1. Now, back to Money Matters.Copy !req
2. Welcome back,
I'm your host, Gil Stewart,Copy !req
3. and we're almost out of time
here on Money Matters,Copy !req
4. but here's a quick wrap-up
of the day's biggest stories.Copy !req
5. The Dow closing out today
at minus 55,Copy !req
6. while the NASDAQ
was up seven points.Copy !req
7. The S&P is down four.Copy !req
8. Gold takes a big hit on the floor
as the International Monetary Fund...Copy !req
9. unloads 10%
of its gold holdings,Copy !req
10. causing ripples
throughout the banking industry,Copy !req
11. continuing the trend in
unloading the bulk of its holdings...Copy !req
12. in favor of
better-performing securities.Copy !req
13. You've been listening
to Money Matters.Copy !req
14. I'm Gil Stewart,
looking after your money.Copy !req
15. It's now 2:00 a.m. and time for...Copy !req
16. What's happening?
And welcome to The Ladies Man,Copy !req
17. the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries.Copy !req
18. My name is Leon Phelps, and to those
of you that are uninitiated,Copy !req
19. I am an expert
in the ways of love.Copy !req
20. Um, I have made love
to many fine ladies,Copy !req
21. from the lowliest
bus station skank...Copy !req
22. to the classiest,
most sophisticated,Copy !req
23. educated, debutante,
high society bus station skank.Copy !req
24. But listen. I am doing good,
if you were askin'.Copy !req
25. I got my Courvoisier cognac
right here,Copy !req
26. and I'm ready
to take your calls.Copy !req
27. While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,Copy !req
28. I have done it
to a lot of ladies,Copy !req
29. and that makes me
somewhat like an expert.Copy !req
30. I have a Ph.D. in tang,
as it were.Copy !req
31. So, if you have a romantic query
and you are under the age of 50...Copy !req
32. and you're not freaky or disgustin',
please give us a call.Copy !req
33. My lovely producer,
Julie Simmons,Copy !req
34. she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath...Copy !req
35. to hear what
you got to say.Copy !req
36. Okay, you're gonna have
to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.Copy !req
37. Susan from Oak Park.
you have a question for Leon?Copy !req
38. Oh, he left his clothes
at your house.Copy !req
39. The phone is lighting up,
so let's take a call.Copy !req
40. Hey, what's happening? This is
Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
41. - Hello, Ladies Man.
- Oh, it's a lady.Copy !req
42. I'm new to this city.
and I don't know too many people.Copy !req
43. And I am painfully shy.Copy !req
44. Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is what you should do.Copy !req
45. Go to the bus station
or to a bowling alley...Copy !req
46. and hang out
with no underpants.Copy !req
47. - Trust me. It works.
- What?Copy !req
48. You'd be surprised at how many men
will approach you. I know that I would.Copy !req
49. Next caller, go ahead.
You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
50. Ladies Man.
I've been feeling really confused.Copy !req
51. Yeah, that sounds good.Copy !req
52. No, it's not good.Copy !req
53. I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.Copy !req
54. How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?Copy !req
55. Don't worry.
When you're really, truly in love,Copy !req
56. you will feel it
deep down in your pants.Copy !req
57. Unless, of course,
you're not wearing any pants,Copy !req
58. which is not uncommon
in my case.Copy !req
59. What are you talking about?
I asked you about finding true love.Copy !req
60. Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,
I hope whatever I said was helpful.Copy !req
61. Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
62. Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
63. Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay? Ladies Man.Copy !req
64. Listen, I don't care what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.Copy !req
65. It's my opinion.
I can have that if I'd like.Copy !req
66. You don't have to argue. I've seen it
on the grocery store shelves.Copy !req
67. Yes, I know that clam chowder
is not a venereal disease.Copy !req
68. Don't argue with me about it.
I don't care if you are a doctor.Copy !req
69. No, we promise there
won't be any more vulgar material.Copy !req
70. You gotta get a thumb
and just stick it up in there.Copy !req
71. Actually, get two thumbs up
in there, you know, like the Fonz.Copy !req
72. Like this, "Hey."Copy !req
73. There may be weird smells afterwards,
but don't worry. Just take a shower.Copy !req
74. Hey, go ahead, caller.
You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
75. No one knows
where Leon came from exactly,Copy !req
76. but he started out life on
the steps of a majestic mansion.Copy !req
77. The master of the house
was a great man...Copy !req
78. who surrounded himself
with the world's most beautiful objects.Copy !req
79. He had everything he wanted,Copy !req
80. except a son.Copy !req
81. Young Leon was taken
into this world...Copy !req
82. and raised as one of their own.Copy !req
83. And in that warm
family environment,Copy !req
84. Leon developed into quite
a stylish young man.Copy !req
85. He learned everything a bright kid
would wanna know about...Copy !req
86. stereo systems
and, of course, love.Copy !req
87. In this magical kingdom,Copy !req
88. the king shared everything
with him.Copy !req
89. Only one thing was off-limits.Copy !req
90. But Leon being Leon,Copy !req
91. the day arrived when the benevolent
proprietor and Leon parted ways.Copy !req
92. Poor little Leon
was thrown out into the cold,Copy !req
93. much like Moses
in the days of old.Copy !req
94. After that it Wash't easy
for the little man, but he got along.Copy !req
95. He always did.Copy !req
96. Not because he was smart
and not because he was rich,Copy !req
97. but because...Copy !req
98. the ladies loved Leon Phelps.Copy !req
99. - How did he do it?
- Hey, Leon.Copy !req
100. Well, I guess you'd better
ask the man yourself.Copy !req
101. Lester, how come you tell that story
every time we walk into this bar?Copy !req
102. I don't know. Maybe there's somebody
out there who don't know you.Copy !req
103. Yeah, right. It's the same five
or six people in this place.Copy !req
104. - How'd your show go tonight?
- Oh, yeah, good question.Copy !req
105. Um, same old, same old.
Leon Phelps is a genius.Copy !req
106. Yeah, same old angry calls
from our listeners...Copy !req
107. and same old threats
from the boss.Copy !req
108. But listen,
for every hundred angry calls we get,Copy !req
109. there is somebody
that I helped.Copy !req
110. Ain't that right,
Scrap Iron?Copy !req
111. Huh? Yeah.Copy !req
112. Leon single-handedly saved
my second and fourth marriages.Copy !req
113. - Mm-hmm.
- That's right. And it was Leon...Copy !req
114. who taught me I didn't have
to be ashamed of my body.Copy !req
115. Thank you, Candy. You see, I like
to help people. That is what I do.Copy !req
116. You know,
lam like Mother Teresa,Copy !req
117. but of bonin',
you see what I'm saying?Copy !req
118. Listen, Julie, you are now
in the world of Leon Phelps, okay?Copy !req
119. Everything will work out.
Trust me.Copy !req
120. Thank you, Scrap.Copy !req
121. And besides that, Julie,
you have to learn...Copy !req
122. that there are more important things
in life than work.Copy !req
123. - Can I help you?
- Martini with lemon.Copy !req
124. So excuse me while
Leon Phelps shows you...Copy !req
125. how he brings home
the bacon.Copy !req
126. That's my cue.
I'm out of here.Copy !req
127. Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak,
ain't it, girlfriend?Copy !req
128. I mean, when's it
gonna be our turn, right?Copy !req
129. You know, you and me
are exactly alike. Eerie.Copy !req
130. - See you later, Scrap Iron.
- Bye, baby.Copy !req
131. - Bye, Lester. See you tomorrow, Leon.
- Bye, sweetie.Copy !req
132. There goes Julie Simmons.Copy !req
133. I bet you're wondering what a nice girl
like that is doing in a place like this.Copy !req
134. That's exactly what I was wondering
one night about two years ago.Copy !req
135. Bourbon, up.Copy !req
136. Let me help you with that.
There you go.Copy !req
137. Listen, I was wondering,
can I ask you a question?Copy !req
138. Was your father
a meat burglar?Copy !req
139. Here's why I ask.
Because it looks like somebody...Copy !req
140. stole two fine hams and shoved them
down the back of your dress.Copy !req
141. And then it happened.
She started laughing.Copy !req
142. Kept on laughing.
I thought she was crazy.Copy !req
143. They talked and laughed
on into the night.Copy !req
144. Leon didn't go home with her,
but he took home her business card.Copy !req
145. She said she was in radio.
Said she wanted to put Leon on the radio.Copy !req
146. That was two years ago.Copy !req
147. I guess she packed
her wedding dress away...Copy !req
148. for another day.Copy !req
149. Listen, seriously, Lester.
Can you take a break for a second?Copy !req
150. I'm trying to concentrate
over here.Copy !req
151. Leon, think
she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.Copy !req
152. Au contraire, bon jour.Copy !req
153. Let me give you
the play-by-play.Copy !req
154. I will probably begin
with a very classy first line.Copy !req
155. Something like...Copy !req
156. Say, sweet thing,
can I buy you a fish sandwich?Copy !req
157. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
158. And then I will commence to
whisper sweet words in her ear.Copy !req
159. Something like...Copy !req
160. Man, I'd like to take a bite
out of your butt.Copy !req
161. And then I will close the deal
by giving her a preview of...Copy !req
162. the goods.Copy !req
163. The day you pick up that pretty woman,Copy !req
164. that's the day I believe
a wet bird don't fly at night.Copy !req
165. Yeah? Well, get ready to see
a wet bird fly at night, my friend.Copy !req
166. Say there, sweet thing.Copy !req
167. Uh, I have a question.
Could I...Copy !req
168. - Hey, swinger. I've got an idea.
- Yeah?Copy !req
169. My husbands away.Copy !req
170. Let's go back to my place.Copy !req
171. So you don't want
a fish sandwich?Copy !req
172. Okay, that's cool, I guess.
But listen.Copy !req
173. - My car doesn't exist, so...
- Shut up.Copy !req
174. Yes.Copy !req
175. The bus is what
we'll be taking.Copy !req
176. Hey! Hey, man! Hey!Copy !req
177. - To the left'. Yeah. Just like that.
- Like that?Copy !req
178. Honey, the front door.Copy !req
179. Barney, is that you?Copy !req
180. Well, it isn't the Orkin man.Copy !req
181. I'll be right there.Copy !req
182. You'll never guess
what happened.Copy !req
183. I was cleaning up
the broom closet,Copy !req
184. and it was so stuffed
with crap.Copy !req
185. So I opened the door...Copy !req
186. and it was like,
"Uh-uh-uh-uh."Copy !req
187. Don't open that door, McGee.Copy !req
188. 'Cause all that stuff...Copy !req
189. just came tumbling down
all over me.Copy !req
190. Cheryl!Copy !req
191. - Do you have a man in there with you?
- Oh, yes!Copy !req
192. Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Don't stop.Copy !req
193. Cheryl!Copy !req
194. Oh, don't stop!
Oh, don't...Copy !req
195. Listen, baby, that was cool,
but I gotta go.Copy !req
196. No!Copy !req
197. Wake up!Copy !req
198. It is 2:30 in the a.m., and you are
listenin' to The Ladies Man.Copy !req
199. All right. So let's take
some more calls. Go ahead, caller.Copy !req
200. Hello? Am I on?Copy !req
201. Yes, you are.
What seems to be your query?Copy !req
202. U...Copy !req
203. Well, look, I've never called
a show like this before,Copy !req
204. but, I'm in...
I'm in really bad shape.Copy !req
205. I was, uh... I was kind of hoping
that you'd help me out.Copy !req
206. Well, we'll see
what we can do.Copy !req
207. So, I came home last night,Copy !req
208. and what do you know.Copy !req
209. My wife of seven years was
in the sack with another guy.Copy !req
210. - Yeah, that sounds good.
- No, it's not good.Copy !req
211. I... I saw the guy.Copy !req
212. I saw him running...
running down the street.Copy !req
213. He had this, like, smiley...Copy !req
214. tattoo thing on his, uh,
on his, uh...Copy !req
215. Okay, sir, listen.Copy !req
216. We're gonna take
a break right now.Copy !req
217. We'll be back in a few moments
with the answer to our survey,Copy !req
218. "What is your favorite hole?"
Thanks for calling.Copy !req
219. I don't wanna talk.
I just came to pick up my-Copy !req
220. Barney!Copy !req
221. No! No!Copy !req
222. It's not what you think.Copy !req
223. Way to go, Leon.
You really are a class act.Copy !req
224. Well, what can I say, baby?
The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.Copy !req
225. What ladies?
Who are these women?Copy !req
226. And why do you feel like you
have to sleep with all of them?Copy !req
227. Um, let me see.
Have you ever had sex?Copy !req
228. Yes, Leon, I've had sex.Copy !req
229. Yes, well, there you go.Copy !req
230. That's delightful.Copy !req
231. - Yeah.
- You know, it's exactly that kind of languageCopy !req
232. that's gonna get you
kicked off the air...Copy !req
233. - Mr. Kent.
- Yes!Copy !req
234. You certainly seem
in good spirits today.Copy !req
235. I didn't think it showed.Copy !req
236. I just got a letter
from the F.C.C.Copy !req
237. So I suppose you could say I'm full
of contentment and cheer.Copy !req
238. What do you mean?Copy !req
239. I'm sure you're aware
your smutty-mouth little friend, Leon Phelps,Copy !req
240. has always been a thorn
in my side.Copy !req
241. He's unprofessional.
He drinks on the air.Copy !req
242. He has a little sip
of cognac now and then, but...Copy !req
243. I would have fired him years ago
if he wasn't such a...Copy !req
244. such a favorite with
the owner of the station.Copy !req
245. I don't know what
she sees in him.Copy !req
246. But I finally decided to
go over her head about this...Copy !req
247. and straight to the F.C.C.Copy !req
248. And if Leon Phelps is responsible
for even one more...Copy !req
249. tiny little fine,Copy !req
250. I get to fire him.Copy !req
251. Well, we haven't had
a fine in weeks.Copy !req
252. Leon's completely
cleaned up his act.Copy !req
253. - Oh, is that a fact?
- Caller, you got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
254. Yeah, you see,
what your problem is...Copy !req
255. is that you suffer from,Copy !req
256. um, "homo-un-erectus."Copy !req
257. Which means, basically, that
your Wang is "hugeified"Copy !req
258. not by a woman but by a man.Copy !req
259. Well, you never know. I mean, some
nights the F.C.C. doesn't even listen.Copy !req
260. - Really?
- No!Copy !req
261. They listen all the time.
Probably listening now.Copy !req
262. What's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us
in the station. How you doing?Copy !req
263. Well, I guess he can? stick around.Copy !req
264. But you still got Leon Phelps.
I'm sticking it out here.Copy !req
265. We gonna take a break.
We gonna be right back.Copy !req
266. - Leon...
- Don't let Bucky get you all upset.Copy !req
267. - He is just jealous.
- Leon, I think he's serious this time.Copy !req
268. He said that the radio station
won't pay for any more of your fines.Copy !req
269. I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only
got three minutes left for the show.Copy !req
270. I'm just gonna ease my way out. Play
a little music. No more phone calls.Copy !req
271. And you'll see by tomorrow
Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.Copy !req
272. - You promise?
- Julie, come on.Copy !req
273. The one person you can trust
is Leon Phelps.Copy !req
274. - Okay.
- Kiss me. Kiss me!Copy !req
275. Stop it.Copy !req
276. What's happening?
You got The Ladies Man,Copy !req
277. Leon Phelps here, and I am looking
at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,Copy !req
278. which means that we are
just about out of time.Copy !req
279. But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with just one more thought.Copy !req
280. This is a little something
that I wrote.Copy !req
281. And I read:Copy !req
282. “ What is love?Copy !req
283. What is this longing in
our hearts for togetherness?Copy !req
284. Is it not
the sweetest flower?Copy !req
285. Does not this flower
of love...Copy !req
286. have the fragrant aroma
affine, fine diamonds?Copy !req
287. Does not the wind
love the dirt?Copy !req
288. Is not love not unlike
the unlikely not it is unliking to?Copy !req
289. Are you with someone tonight?Copy !req
290. Do not question your love.Copy !req
291. Take your lover by the hand.Copy !req
292. Release the power
within yourselfCopy !req
293. You heard me,
release the power.Copy !req
294. Tame the wild cosmos
with a whisper.Copy !req
295. Conquer heaven with one
intimate caress.Copy !req
296. That's right.
Don't be shy.Copy !req
297. Whip out
everything you've got...Copy !req
298. and do it in the butt."Copy !req
299. By Leon Phelps.Copy !req
300. Let's go. Come on.Copy !req
301. - Good distance.
- Yeah, not bad.Copy !req
302. Listen, Julie, I just wanna say...Copy !req
303. thank you
for sticking up for me.Copy !req
304. - Yeah, okay. Leon...
- Listen. You always stick up for me.Copy !req
305. - Yeah, but Leon...
- You're the greatest, you know?Copy !req
306. - Thank you.
- And another thing.Copy !req
307. No matter what they do to me, they can
fire me from their radio station,Copy !req
308. they can call me
all kinds of names,Copy !req
309. they can make me get down
on my knees and beg for my job,Copy !req
310. but the one thing
that they cannot take away...Copy !req
311. from sweet Leon...Copy !req
312. is his dignity.Copy !req
313. So this is my fabulous yacht.Copy !req
314. Or as I like to call it,
my personal "skankuary."Copy !req
315. I told you before, Leon,
it's not a yacht if you get mail there.Copy !req
316. It's more like a trailer park
of the sea.Copy !req
317. Yeah, well, even so,Copy !req
318. this is what I like
to call the L.A. Forum,Copy !req
319. because this is where
the magic happens.Copy !req
320. And the magic just happened once
on that chair that you're touching.Copy !req
321. I have performed the magic
once in that wastepaper basket.Copy !req
322. You know, I actually had to get the
magic cleaned from out of this curtain.Copy !req
323. That was along shot.
Wore me out.Copy !req
324. Let's get you into bed, okay?Copy !req
325. - Here.
- Officer, no.Copy !req
326. Come on. Let's see
if we can get you into bed.Copy !req
327. Watch it. Ow!Copy !req
328. - I'm sorry, Julie.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.Copy !req
329. - I'm sorry.
- It's okay.Copy !req
330. Listen, I handle my drink
better than today.Copy !req
331. - I've seen you. I know.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the firing.Copy !req
332. - It's okay just lie down.
- You deserve better.Copy !req
333. - It's okay. We're gonna be fine.
- You should be with a professional.Copy !req
334. Mrs. Robinson, are you
trying to seduce me?Copy !req
335. No, I'm not.Copy !req
336. In fact, I'm looking
around this place...Copy !req
337. and I can't understand why anyone
would ever want to seduce you.Copy !req
338. That is why.Copy !req
339. Mm-mmm.Copy !req
340. - "Pina Colada Butt Lotion"?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
341. Where do you even
find this stuff?Copy !req
342. Mostly at K-Mart
and Wal-Mart.Copy !req
343. And why do you have a water bed
when you live on a boat?Copy !req
344. Oh, it's because there's
more motion in the ocean.Copy !req
345. Come on in, baby.
The water's fine.Copy !req
346. - So Julie?
- Huh?Copy !req
347. Are we going to do it?Copy !req
348. No, we are not going to do it.Copy !req
349. I would hate to see you
as an old man, Leon.Copy !req
350. You are gonna be
one sorry sight.Copy !req
351. - Where you going?
- I'm going home.Copy !req
352. The job search
starts tomorrow.Copy !req
353. Oh, boy.Copy !req
354. Smiley...Copy !req
355. ass tattoo.Copy !req
356. "Victims of the smiling ass."Copy !req
357. "Have you seen this ass?"Copy !req
358. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
359. "Welcome to the V.S.A.Copy !req
360. Victims of the smiling ass.Copy !req
361. We will have our revenge."Copy !req
362. Well, let me
tell you a little bit about WRQE.Copy !req
363. We play all the biggest names
in soft rock and light jazz.Copy !req
364. Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.Copy !req
365. I don't know if you've heard of a lady
who goes by the name of Celine Dion.Copy !req
366. No, who is that?Copy !req
367. I have to say I've heard of you, but
I'm not too familiar with your show.Copy !req
368. I don't stay up
that late anymore.Copy !req
369. - Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- I'm afraid we don't have a tape...Copy !req
370. Yeah, actually, we do.
This should give youCopy !req
371. a good idea of what
we can bring to your station.Copy !req
372. Fantastic.Copy !req
373. Let's see
what we've got here.Copy !req
374. You know, clinically speaking,
doing it doggy style has...Copy !req
375. There's some racy stuff at the
beginning, but you can speed through it.Copy !req
376. All right.Copy !req
377. Yeah.Copy !req
378. Sounds like the answer for you
is doing it doggy style.Copy !req
379. Just speed through.
Same stuff.Copy !req
380. Boy, excuse me.
Anyways, doggy style...Copy !req
381. You can speed right through
that part too.Copy !req
382. Yeah, see,
you was kicked in the scrotum.Copy !req
383. Or as they say
in the medical profession, the ball sac.Copy !req
384. You can skip
through that part.Copy !req
385. Well, you know, the scientific name
is the "Hershey Highway."Copy !req
386. Speed on through.Copy !req
387. Hey. But that
is the only tape.Copy !req
388. The tape is important.
There's people looking.Copy !req
389. That's not...
Don't...Copy !req
390. - Miss, uh, Simmons?
- Yes.Copy !req
391. Uh, let's see.Copy !req
392. Oh, very nice.
Very nice.Copy !req
393. - Thank you.
- And, uh...Copy !req
394. Mr. Phelps.Copy !req
395. Yeah, that's me.Copy !req
396. I'm presently in the process of getting
my resume typed up over at Kinko's.Copy !req
397. - Kinko's. Good people. Nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
398. I see under "interests,"
you've written "Debit"?Copy !req
399. Ah, No, that's "Dabutt."Copy !req
400. - "Dabutt?"
- Yeah. And also, I like tennis.Copy !req
401. Good, good.Copy !req
402. Well, Mr. Phelps,
today might be your lucky day.Copy !req
403. Our morning anchor quit,
out of the blue.Copy !req
404. And we are desperate for
someone to fill her old slot.Copy !req
405. Well, that's no problem,Copy !req
406. 'cause I have a lot of experience
at filling other people's slots.Copy !req
407. - Really?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
408. You mean you've filled
other people's slots before?Copy !req
409. - Yeah, this morning.
- Fantastic. You got the job.Copy !req
410. Really?Copy !req
411. Yeah, absolutely.Copy !req
412. Well, welcome to WPJT Radio.Copy !req
413. What's happening?
And welcome to The Ladies...Copy !req
414. Uh, The Lord's Man Show.Copy !req
415. Um... So, I understand
that you are a nun?Copy !req
416. - Yes, that's right.
- Yeah, that's cool.Copy !req
417. "And how long have you been,
uh, nunning it up?Copy !req
418. For about 30 years now.Copy !req
419. Yeah. Well, congratulations.
That's good.Copy !req
420. Now, I understand
that your work...Copy !req
421. takes you all around the world,
is that right?Copy !req
422. Yes, that is correct. In fact,
I'll be leaving the country...Copy !req
423. very soon to assume
a missionary position.Copy !req
424. I'm sorry. What was that?Copy !req
425. I'm going to assume
a missionary position,Copy !req
426. and I'll probably be holding it
for a very longtime.Copy !req
427. Yeah, well, that's...
that's interesting.Copy !req
428. Um... So, where will
you be holding this...Copy !req
429. - Missionary position? In Bangkok.
- Yeah.Copy !req
430. Bangkok. Yeah.
That's, uh, cool.Copy !req
431. So why don't we talk
about something else.Copy !req
432. Bangkok is lovely. In fact, I'm
looking forward to taking it all in.Copy !req
433. Hmm.Copy !req
434. But it can get a little steamy.Copy !req
435. Have you ever gone down
the Yellow River?Copy !req
436. Yeah, once in the '80s,
but I did not enjoy it.Copy !req
437. What about
a missionary position?Copy !req
438. Have you ever known the joys
of a missionary position?Copy !req
439. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
440. Here's a story I'm gonna tell you.
It goes a little something like this.Copy !req
441. I was with these two girls,
right?Copy !req
442. And so I was doing the twin sisters
and then her mother walks in,Copy !req
443. and her mother
has a video camera.Copy !req
444. So she puts it on the tripod
and she starts to ram it.Copy !req
445. It was sort of
a missionary position...Copy !req
446. Yeah?
Well, up yours too.Copy !req
447. Oh, well,
on to the next one.Copy !req
448. Next one?
There is no next one.Copy !req
449. That's nonsense, Julie. There's
that kiddie station up in Wilmette.Copy !req
450. Leon, we may never work
in radio again.Copy !req
451. No, listen, Julie.
That is where you are wrong.Copy !req
452. We'll get out of this mess.
Trust me.Copy !req
453. Last time I trusted you, you told the
city of Chicago to do it in the butt.Copy !req
454. Yeah. Well, there was no way to predict
that that was gonna end up so badly.Copy !req
455. - But look, it'll be different this time.
- Whatever, Leon.Copy !req
456. I need to think this through. You
call me when you come back to reality.Copy !req
457. Don't you worry, Julie.
I'm a man of action.Copy !req
458. I have a plan
for this type of thing.Copy !req
459. There's only one thing to do.Copy !req
460. I'm must go and have sex...Copy !req
461. and wait for something
to randomly happen.Copy !req
462. It'll work out, you'll see.Copy !req
463. It will randomly work out!Copy !req
464. Score! Score! Score!Copy !req
465. Yeah. Whoo!Copy !req
466. Well, I just had sex, and...Copy !req
467. - U.S. Mail.
- There's the random occurrence.Copy !req
468. I hate the houseboat guy.Copy !req
469. Hey, what's happenin'?Copy !req
470. Shh.
I was bonin' a lady inside.Copy !req
471. Say, look at this.
It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker.Copy !req
472. - Really?
- Ooh, it says, "Urgent."Copy !req
473. "Dear Leon. Stop.
The '70s are over. Stop."Copy !req
474. Let me see that.Copy !req
475. Here's your... Oops.Copy !req
476. I seem to be dropping
all your mail.Copy !req
477. - I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.
- You're a bad mailman.Copy !req
478. And this is not from Jimmie Walker.Copy !req
479. Let's see here.Copy !req
480. Gas bill.Copy !req
481. Houseboat bill.
Electrical bill.Copy !req
482. Ooh, what is this?Copy !req
483. Ooh. It's a lady.Copy !req
484. "Dearest Leon,
I know it's been a long..."Copy !req
485. "My back pressed against
the washing machine..."Copy !req
486. "Money..."Copy !req
487. This is it!Copy !req
488. "Dearest Leon,Copy !req
489. I know it has been a longtime since
we parted ways that fateful night,Copy !req
490. but I still remember
the tender moments we spent together.Copy !req
491. The feeling of your skin
pressed up against mine.Copy !req
492. The feeling of my back pressed up
against the wall of the Laundromat.Copy !req
493. I remember how you said
I was your one true love.Copy !req
494. Time has changed nothing.Copy !req
495. I want you even more.Copy !req
496. And I have all the money we'll ever
need to make a fresh start.Copy !req
497. Come back to me, Leon.
I'm waiting for you...Copy !req
498. and I've never stopped
thinking of myself...Copy !req
499. the way you always used to
describe me...Copy !req
500. as your very special
Sweet Thing."Copy !req
501. - You gotta be kidding me.
- Uh... uh.Copy !req
502. This is the answer to
all your unemployment problems?Copy !req
503. - Who is she?
- I don't know.Copy !req
504. - You don't know?
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
505. As you can see,
she did not sign her name,Copy !req
506. so I guess she thought
I knew who she was.Copy !req
507. Cuckoo, cuckoo.
Yeah.Copy !req
508. All I know is that all my problems,
they are now solved.Copy !req
509. Leon, all your problems will be solved
when you get a job like normal people.Copy !req
510. How am I supposed to do that?
We tried every radio station in town.Copy !req
511. Not every one.
I can still pull a favor, hopefully,Copy !req
512. over at WAMS from Cyrus.Copy !req
513. Cyrus Cunningham?
Your ex-fiance?Copy !req
514. The one that dumped you?Copy !req
515. The one with
the three-inch penis?Copy !req
516. No, Julie, listen.
I can't stand the idea of you...Copy !req
517. crawling back to that jerk
just because I got both of us fired.Copy !req
518. Listen, baby, the answer
to all of our troubles...Copy !req
519. is in this rich lady's letter
and her money.Copy !req
520. Her money. Leon, this
is a love letter, not a lottery ticket.Copy !req
521. This is a woman who cared for you,Copy !req
522. who you called
by a special pet name.Copy !req
523. - Who you called...
- Hey, sweet thing.Copy !req
524. Hi. Can I get some more
waffles down here? Thank you.Copy !req
525. I'm sorry.
What were you saying, sweet thing?Copy !req
526. I'm, uh...
I'm sorry about the door.Copy !req
527. Do I have the right place?
I was just...Copy !req
528. Wow! You're huge.Copy !req
529. We know who you are, Barney.Copy !req
530. I think you'll be glad
that you decided to come.Copy !req
531. What... What is this?Copy !req
532. - These are people just like you, Barney.
- Hi, Barney.Copy !req
533. They, too, have had
their lives shattered...Copy !req
534. by the sight
of that man's ass.Copy !req
535. I caught this mysterious tattooed guy
and my wife going at it...Copy !req
536. in July, 1992.Copy !req
537. Spring of '89.Copy !req
538. December, 1994.Copy !req
539. November of '95.Copy !req
540. And then April of '96.Copy !req
541. And then again
in June of '96.Copy !req
542. And then twice more
on January 15,1997.Copy !req
543. And three more times
in the spring of '99...Copy !req
544. Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo
and Flag Day.Copy !req
545. That's Hal. Don't
make any sudden moves around him.Copy !req
546. It's all right, man.Copy !req
547. What about you?
I mean, what's your story?Copy !req
548. It was April, 1990.Copy !req
549. I was in training
for the U.S. Olympic Team.Copy !req
550. My Sport:Copy !req
551. Greco-Roman wrestling.Copy !req
552. My wife and I didn't
have a perfect marriage.Copy !req
553. Maybe I didn't
understand her needs.Copy !req
554. But she definitely
didn't understand my passion...Copy !req
555. for wrestling.Copy !req
556. She didn't understand why Brian,
my wrestling partner, and I...Copy !req
557. trained constantly.Copy !req
558. She didn't understand
the thrill any man would feel...Copy !req
559. after grabbing a big,
husky guy like Brian...Copy !req
560. and pinning him down
to the ground...Copy !req
561. until he squirms and squeals
like a little piglet.Copy !req
562. One night,
I went out to train...Copy !req
563. at... at Brian's.Copy !req
564. I returned home only
to find my wife lying there...Copy !req
565. with a faraway look.Copy !req
566. I noticed an open window,Copy !req
567. and out of it I saw our man
running through the parking lot.Copy !req
568. I would've chased after him,
but I was too sore.Copy !req
569. From the training.Copy !req
570. Of course, the training.Copy !req
571. Right. After that, I discovered
there were others like me,Copy !req
572. and I formed this group.Copy !req
573. The point is,Copy !req
574. we may not know his name,
but we're onto him.Copy !req
575. And one day, he'll slip up.Copy !req
576. And when he does, we're gonna
be there to nail him...Copy !req
577. and cut his balls off!Copy !req
578. Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.Copy !req
579. Maybe we won't
actually go that far.Copy !req
580. That's yucky.Copy !req
581. Well, you don't have to wait
for him to slip up.Copy !req
582. He already has.Copy !req
583. 'Cause when he ran
out of my apartment...Copy !req
584. Look!
He's a circus clown!Copy !req
585. Yeah, we already know
about the clothes.Copy !req
586. He runs out of all
of our houses bare-assed, you know.Copy !req
587. The clothes really
haven't given us anything.Copy !req
588. What?Copy !req
589. Damn it!Copy !req
590. I mean, there must be some way
to catch this woman's dude.Copy !req
591. Gentlemen,Copy !req
592. prepare for battle.Copy !req
593. Listen up, everybody.
This will be...Copy !req
594. our general area
of our search, okay?Copy !req
595. Now, years ago
I was in the army,Copy !req
596. and we spent a lot of time
in this area here.Copy !req
597. The army, they called it Asia,Copy !req
598. but I like to call it
Freaky-Deeky Sex World.Copy !req
599. Scrap Iron, you're my man.Copy !req
600. This will be your area.
[suggest that...Copy !req
601. you stick to the back streets
and the whorehouses.Copy !req
602. - I'm right on it.
- Good.Copy !req
603. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.Copy !req
604. This postmark is from Chicago.Copy !req
605. - Hey.
- Let me see that, Lester.Copy !req
606. If the lady lives right here
in Chicago, that ought to be easy.Copy !req
607. I mean, you could find all the women
you been with in town, right?Copy !req
608. That's a very good question,
Candy. Yes, I can,Copy !req
609. because I have written the names of all
of my very special sweet ladies down...Copy !req
610. in this, my black book.Copy !req
611. - Look at that thing.
- And in addition to that,Copy !req
612. I have made these photocopies
for you all to take a look at.Copy !req
613. - That's for you, Lester.
- You have any idea who this woman is?Copy !req
614. Yes, I do, because
when I read this letter...Copy !req
615. I hear a voice
that I connect to a face.Copy !req
616. And because I have
what is called 20-20 memory,Copy !req
617. that tells me that this is
my very special Sweet Thing.Copy !req
618. Leon Phelps.Copy !req
619. - You miserable, fatheaded jackass.
- Theresa!Copy !req
620. What the hell are you doing here?
I hoped you were dead.Copy !req
621. No, I'm not dead. Surprise.Copy !req
622. - Ew!
- What?Copy !req
623. You expect me to let you stick your
tongue in my mouth after two years?Copy !req
624. Yes, I do.
Ooh, Courvoisier.Copy !req
625. Let's have a drink.
Come on in, baby.Copy !req
626. This is nice.Copy !req
627. Leon, why haven't
you called me?Copy !req
628. This is the thing. They kept changing
all those collect call phone numbers,Copy !req
629. so it became really difficult
for me to use the telephone.Copy !req
630. - Shut it up. I can't believe this.
- Okay.Copy !req
631. I meet you under the stands at a dog
track. You sweet-talk me into leaving.Copy !req
632. Next thing, I'm busting slobs with you
in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.Copy !req
633. You called me
your sweet thing.Copy !req
634. Wait a second. It says here
we did it in a Laundromat.Copy !req
635. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
636. Didn't you send me a note about getting
together and sharing your money, love?Copy !req
637. Mistakes
are sometimes funny.Copy !req
638. Listen, I could really
use that drink now.Copy !req
639. All right, that's nice.
I got everything but the glass.Copy !req
640. - Rot in hell, Leon.
- Yes, I heard you the first time.Copy !req
641. No, no, no, no, no.
I hope you burn in hell.Copy !req
642. - Yes, duly noted.
- Rotting and burning.Copy !req
643. - Yes, in hell. I got you.
- Your mother looks like Florida Evans, ya scrub!Copy !req
644. Listen, there's no reason
to go there.Copy !req
645. You mud duck!
Quack on.Copy !req
646. Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon.
What's happening?Copy !req
647. - Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon.
- Hi.Copy !req
648. How you doing?
Good to see you.Copy !req
649. I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, I know you gotta go.Copy !req
650. - Listen, did you write this letter?
- What?Copy !req
651. No? Okay. Go on up there.
Have a good time tonight.Copy !req
652. Play some Al Green and smack her
on the ass. She likes that.Copy !req
653. Hey. How you doin'?Copy !req
654. Hey, what's happening, Evelyn?
I remember...Copy !req
655. That was not a good idea.Copy !req
656. What's happening, Chicago?Copy !req
657. Ladies, if you are rich
and I boned you,Copy !req
658. could you please meet me
at the nacho cart?Copy !req
659. Also, if you are rich
and you want to be boned,Copy !req
660. would you please meet me
at the nacho cart?Copy !req
661. - Hey, Lester.
- I stepped in a time machine.Copy !req
662. Look at this place.
This place is disgusting.Copy !req
663. You don't have to stay long.
just long enough to meet Leon.Copy !req
664. I'm telling you,
he's just what your station needs.Copy !req
665. - Leon, this is Cyrus.
- Cyrus Cunningham.Copy !req
666. Yeah, this is the guy
that dumped you.Copy !req
667. Leon, you're a lot shorter than I expected.
But the hair and the shoes help out.Copy !req
668. Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said
I would meet your friend, and I have.Copy !req
669. And I've wasted a lot of my time
in the process.Copy !req
670. Obviously, you haven't grown up much
since our little mistake.Copy !req
671. Look, Cyrus, why don't you
just listen for a second?Copy !req
672. WAMS has done quite well
without the help of rejects...Copy !req
673. and winos and ditsy women who think
they can run with the big boys.Copy !req
674. Listen, if you need a temp job, let me know,
okay? Gotta go. Love your place.Copy !req
675. Listen, don't talk
to Julie like that.Copy !req
676. Excuse me.
What was that, little man?Copy !req
677. I said that you don't talk
to Julie like that.Copy !req
678. Don't push up on me
in front of your peeps, okay?Copy !req
679. Don't let the smooth taste fool you.
I'm from the streets.Copy !req
680. Oh, yeah?
Well, I still live in the streets...Copy !req
681. and will occasionally
find myself waking up in the streets.Copy !req
682. That's right.
That's right.Copy !req
683. Gentlemen, there will be
no fighting in this bar.Copy !req
684. All right, fine.
We can take it outside.Copy !req
685. Listen, I'm sorry.
We... We got off on the wrong foot here.Copy !req
686. Um, why don't we just
let bygones be bygones?Copy !req
687. Whatever you say, sugar.
That's fine with me.Copy !req
688. Listen, how about you have a...
I'd like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.Copy !req
689. I don't think so.Copy !req
690. Come on, johnny Mathis.Copy !req
691. - You said you from the streets.
- Yeah.Copy !req
692. Yeah, well, Julie told me
that while they were datin',Copy !req
693. there were some things that
Cyrus didn't have a taste for.Copy !req
694. - Interesting.
- Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
695. It ain't no thing, all right?
It ain't no thing.Copy !req
696. I was raised on pig's feet.Copy !req
697. I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it.
If this is what you want, fine.Copy !req
698. - This is what you want me to do?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
699. Just to impress you and the rest
of the Sunshine Band, I'll eat it.Copy !req
700. That's fine.Copy !req
701. See? I'll eat it here. Cut it up a
little bit and eat it like that. See?Copy !req
702. There.Copy !req
703. Perhaps you thought I'd recoil
from your bar food, but...Copy !req
704. - You want some pickled eggs?
- I'd love some pickled eggs.Copy !req
705. That'd be nice.Copy !req
706. One pickled dish at a time.
Why are we gonna...Copy !req
707. Okay, I'll stay
for one pickled egg.Copy !req
708. Look, everybody.
People are actually eating the bar food.Copy !req
709. All right, boys, eat up.
The food is free.Copy !req
710. - It disappears.
- Pickled egg you want, pickled egg you got.Copy !req
711. This ain't the welfare.
This is the good stuffCopy !req
712. - Mmm.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm!Copy !req
713. - Hey, how about some prairie oysters?
- Ooh, prairie oysters!Copy !req
714. - They are really good.
- Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.Copy !req
715. - Look like a chitlin to me.
- Prairie oysters. Mmm!Copy !req
716. Oh, yeah, look at that.
Oh, yeah, it's fresh.Copy !req
717. This is gonna be so good.
I haven't had these since yesterday.Copy !req
718. - M m m!
- It's an acquired taste.Copy !req
719. Take your time.Copy !req
720. Hmm?
Good, huh?Copy !req
721. Spicy hog balls.Copy !req
722. Not the hog balls.Copy !req
723. Spicy hog balls.
Where'd you find these?Copy !req
724. Ooh, look at that.
They got two balls.Copy !req
725. And they going right down here.
Mmm! Mmm!Copy !req
726. Oh! Yes, indeed.
Look at them.Copy !req
727. Eat all you want, boys.
Eat all you want.Copy !req
728. Show him how to do it, Leon.Copy !req
729. Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.Copy !req
730. How you boys doing?Copy !req
731. So, is that it?Copy !req
732. I've eaten more exotic foods
than that.Copy !req
733. - How about a piece de resistance?
- Hmm.Copy !req
734. - Back-bottom gristle lumps.
- Special of the house.Copy !req
735. Practically nobody eats these.Copy !req
736. - I don't remember those on the menu.
- Oh, these are good.Copy !req
737. These are new.
The best!Copy !req
738. - These are mine.
- No, no, no. No way. No way!Copy !req
739. - They're mine.
- Get the hell off of them!Copy !req
740. Jeez!Copy !req
741. Don't be fighting
over gristle lumps. Come on, now.Copy !req
742. There you go, now. That's a nice one.
That's a nice one.Copy !req
743. - Just some gristle lumps.
- Gristle lump you want, you got.Copy !req
744. I got your gristle lump.Copy !req
745. - Savor the flavor.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
746. Got some hot sauce to go with that too.Copy !req
747. - Mmm. I did it.
- That's right. You sure did.Copy !req
748. - I did it.
- You did it. I'm proud of you.Copy !req
749. I did it. I did it!Copy !req
750. I've never seen anything
like this in my life.Copy !req
751. Boy, you just done ate some shit.Copy !req
752. - Some what?
- You just ate some human shit.Copy !req
753. Human shit?
Human shit?Copy !req
754. Why would you
bottle human shit?Copy !req
755. What possible holiday would you
bottle human shit for?Copy !req
756. - Funniest idea yet!
- You people are sick!Copy !req
757. That's the first time
it's ever worked.Copy !req
758. We scored so big.Copy !req
759. You know that that was
our last chance at a steady paycheck.Copy !req
760. - Mm-hmm.
- But I feel good. I feel real good.Copy !req
761. Well, that's good,
because listen, there's no way...Copy !req
762. that I was gonna let that dude
disrespect my Julie twice.Copy !req
763. So, listen, excuse me.Copy !req
764. I will be going to the bathroom
to puke up a hog ball.Copy !req
765. Gentlemen, we've been waiting
for this day for a longtime.Copy !req
766. This man, this "Ladies Man,"Copy !req
767. thought he could take something
from us, something we hold sacred.Copy !req
768. - Our manhood. Was he successful?
- No!Copy !req
769. No, he was not. Why?
Because we're men among men.Copy !req
770. - That's right! Yeah!
- Super men!Copy !req
771. And from this moment on,
I declare our supreme manliness!Copy !req
772. That's right!Copy !req
773. That's right!Copy !req
774. When we catch him,
we're gonna cut his balls off.Copy !req
775. Going up.Copy !req
776. His name is Leon Phelps.
I fired him a week ago.Copy !req
777. Say, is that a picture
of him over there?Copy !req
778. Yes. Yes, it is.
That's your man.Copy !req
779. That's, uh...
That's Leon Phelps.Copy !req
780. Leon Phelps.Copy !req
781. Where might we
find this Leon Phelps?Copy !req
782. Oh, you might
try his houseboat,Copy !req
783. or that gin tank
called Lester's Lounge.Copy !req
784. And when you find him, tell him
to come in and pick up this crap.Copy !req
785. - What's this?
- Fan mail...Copy !req
786. from all the sluts he's been banging
for the past couple of years.Copy !req
787. A lot of these
are from my wife.Copy !req
788. - You thought I wrote this?
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
789. Sorry, Leon. I'm not really
interested in settling down right now.Copy !req
790. You're on in ten minutes.Copy !req
791. Excuse me.
I'll just be a minute changing.Copy !req
792. This is a nice place. It looks
like you've finally made the big-time.Copy !req
793. Yeah, my work is everything
to me right now.Copy !req
794. That's why I couldn't dream
of settling down.Copy !req
795. In fact, the only thing
that ever compared...Copy !req
796. to the thrill
of my performances...Copy !req
797. were those wild nights
we had together in bed.Copy !req
798. Yeah, we did some pretty
messed-up junk.Copy !req
799. - Hey, Leon.
- Yes?Copy !req
800. I've got a crazy idea.Copy !req
801. I've got a few minutes
before I go on.Copy !req
802. Let's have a quickie
for old time's sake.Copy !req
803. That's not a crazy idea.
I like that idea and I will support it.Copy !req
804. Let's do it like we used to...
real nasty!Copy !req
805. Listen, maybe it's not a good idea.
We don't have the time to do this.Copy !req
806. We'll do it real quick. Come on,
baby. You know what Bloopy likes.Copy !req
807. Okay, listen, Bloopy?Copy !req
808. I'm about to go on.
I have to stay in character.Copy !req
809. Now, give it to me, you stud.Copy !req
810. - Take it easy there, Bloopy.
- Bloopy's gonna lick you all over.Copy !req
811. Okay, listen.
I don't know.Copy !req
812. Oh, what the hell.Copy !req
813. That's right!Copy !req
814. - Hal, why don't you just...
- Yeah.Copy !req
815. He's not here, guys.Copy !req
816. This stinks.Copy !req
817. So, this is where he lives.Copy !req
818. Well, tasteful.Copy !req
819. Gentlemen,
let's torch it.Copy !req
820. - Hey...
- Let's go!Copy !req
821. We really didn't
think that through.Copy !req
822. That place was full
of pleather and cologne.Copy !req
823. It was quite a thrill,
though, when it went up in flames.Copy !req
824. Ah, gentlemen,
can I help you?Copy !req
825. - A round of beers for my men.
- Yeah!Copy !req
826. - There something else I can help with?
- I think there is. My card.Copy !req
827. We're also looking
for this man.Copy !req
828. His name is Leon Phelps.Copy !req
829. - He also goes by "The Ladies Man."
- Yeah!Copy !req
830. - You guys friends of his?
- You might say that.Copy !req
831. We want to kill him.Copy !req
832. Well, he doesn't hang out here.Copy !req
833. What would you want to kill a guy
like that for anyway?Copy !req
834. He's a dangerous thief
of hearts.Copy !req
835. He seduced my wife.
He screwed all our women!Copy !req
836. Yeah!Copy !req
837. - That's why you want to kill Phelps.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
838. Yeah, that's why we wanna kill him.
And we're going to.Copy !req
839. We're going to catch him
and cut off his tiny little pecker.Copy !req
840. - You're not talking about...
- That's him!Copy !req
841. Get him!Copy !req
842. - See you later!
- How does he do it?Copy !req
843. - He's outsmarted us again.
- Lance, his little black book.Copy !req
844. Oh, yes.Copy !req
845. Oh, yes,
this is good.Copy !req
846. This is very good!Copy !req
847. - Why is it very good?
- It's the book of all of his numbers.Copy !req
848. This is not cool.
This is unfair.Copy !req
849. I did not do anything to deserve this.Copy !req
850. My houseboat.
It's my houseboat!Copy !req
851. Why?Copy !req
852. Mm.Copy !req
853. This is how my uncle
taught us to drink tea.Copy !req
854. You put your pinkie up.
Then take it to your lips, like this.Copy !req
855. Julie.
Come on in.Copy !req
856. Your friend Leon
has made some suggestions...Copy !req
857. pertaining to us
and our love life.Copy !req
858. I'm so glad you invited Leon here
to spend this time with us.Copy !req
859. I didn't invite Leon...Copy !req
860. As far as I'm concerned,
he can stay as long as he wants.Copy !req
861. - I'll drink to that.
- I do too.Copy !req
862. If you got some Courvoisier, we could
pour some of that in here too.Copy !req
863. Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?Copy !req
864. Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?Copy !req
865. That's a song
I wrote for you.Copy !req
866. Look, you got your nice
little stuffed animals there.Copy !req
867. And look at that nice poster
of Rick Astley.Copy !req
868. Okay, I told you
this was temporary.Copy !req
869. - You don't have to tease me.
- Yes, I do.Copy !req
870. I'd like to remind you,
young lady,Copy !req
871. about the “trailer park of
the sea“ line, my houseboat...Copy !req
872. which I don't
have anymore.Copy !req
873. Oh, man.Copy !req
874. You know something, Julie? I'm
realizing that my life really sucks.Copy !req
875. You know whose fault it is,
don't you?Copy !req
876. It is the fault of the Wang.
I should cut this thing off.Copy !req
877. - You're not gonna cut it off.
- I know.Copy !req
878. That's the craziest thing
I've ever thought of.Copy !req
879. But I just can't live
like this anymore.Copy !req
880. I'm so tired of being
"The Ladies Man."Copy !req
881. You know, you were never
"The Ladies Man" to me.Copy !req
882. - Really?
- Really.Copy !req
883. No, to me you've always been
just plain old Leon Phelps.Copy !req
884. A lonely, misguided...Copy !req
885. idiot.Copy !req
886. You know something Julie? Hmm?Copy !req
887. I think that you
wrote the mystery letter.Copy !req
888. Yeah! Leon,
I've never had sex with you,Copy !req
889. especially not
in a Laundromat.Copy !req
890. Yeah, that is true.Copy !req
891. You know what?Copy !req
892. It would've been really nice
if you had written this letter.Copy !req
893. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
894. You know, a girl like you,
that's what I need.Copy !req
895. I don't need
some crazy mystery lady.Copy !req
896. Well, how could you find
a girl like me?Copy !req
897. Yeah, how can I find
a girl like you?Copy !req
898. She'd have to be single.Copy !req
899. - That would be really nice this time.
- Yeah.Copy !req
900. And she'd
have to be attractive.Copy !req
901. Yeah, well, you have that.Copy !req
902. She'd have to have parents that
wouldn't throw you off the porch.Copy !req
903. Yeah, that would
be really nice.Copy !req
904. And she'd have to have
known you long enough...Copy !req
905. to finally realize what a wonderful
person you're capable of being.Copy !req
906. Julie, can you
do that again?Copy !req
907. That's it.Copy !req
908. - That is it.
- What? What?Copy !req
909. Del an e.Copy !req
910. DeLune!Copy !req
911. DeLune, DeLune.Copy !req
912. Honey DeLune!Copy !req
913. Sweet Thing
is Honey DeLune!Copy !req
914. That is it!Copy !req
915. Oh, my God!Copy !req
916. I am rich!Copy !req
917. Look out, Chicago!
The Ladies Man is back!Copy !req
918. Yes!Copy !req
919. Well, there
goes Leon Phelps, chasing his dream.Copy !req
920. But here's a funny thing
about running after a dream...Copy !req
921. sometimes what you were dreaming
about was in front of you all along.Copy !req
922. Lester, could you just shut up and
give me the number for Honey DeLune?Copy !req
923. Right.Copy !req
924. Just thought you could
use a little advice.Copy !req
925. Okay.Copy !req
926. 5, 9...Copy !req
927. - Hello?
- Guess who, Sweet Thing!Copy !req
928. Leon? Leon Phelps?Copy !req
929. That's right, baby.
It's your Laundromat love machine.Copy !req
930. Oh, my God! It is!Copy !req
931. - So you got my letter, right?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
932. Oh, when so much time
went by, I thought...Copy !req
933. maybe you didn't want
to have anything to do with me.Copy !req
934. - I guess that was silly, huh?
- Yes, it was.Copy !req
935. It was downright stupid, baby.Copy !req
936. Ever since
we last saw each other,Copy !req
937. - I have had this aching in my soul.
- Oh, you did?Copy !req
938. Yeah. How about I come over there and
go to town on your money and your ass?Copy !req
939. Oh! Heh-heh!Copy !req
940. Oh, uh, Leon, you're gonna have
to give me a little bit of time.Copy !req
941. - What the hell for?
- To tie up some loose ends.Copy !req
942. Baby, I want to leave my whole life
behind and run away with you.Copy !req
943. How does a trip around the world
sound for starters?Copy !req
944. - Are you paying for it?
- Of course.Copy !req
945. - Well, that sounds good.
- Wonderful.Copy !req
946. Um, come by and pick me up
tomorrow night. Okay?Copy !req
947. All right. Sure, Sweet Thing.
Ha ha!Copy !req
948. - You talking on the phone just now?
- No, sweetheart.Copy !req
949. Good.Copy !req
950. - Nice try, my friend.
- Hello, Mrs. DeLune.Copy !req
951. Hi, Brian.Copy !req
952. Here comes the pterodactyl.
Hope you like it.Copy !req
953. - Yo!
- What's up, Aloysius?Copy !req
954. - My main man!
- I need some new stuff.Copy !req
955. - Man, I got you covered, baby.
- This is all right.Copy !req
956. - This is the darkest brown you got?
- Yeah.Copy !req
957. - German chocolate. Can't get no deeper.
- Yeah. Aloysius...Copy !req
958. - I think you got a deal.
- Yeah. Mm!Copy !req
959. Mm!Copy !req
960. - Hey, Leon!
- Yeah, that's right. It's me.Copy !req
961. Hey, there, Leon!Copy !req
962. - You like that?
- I don't believe this.Copy !req
963. Custom-made, $100.Copy !req
964. - You look like Monkey D.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
965. I just got off the phone
with my Sweet Thing.Copy !req
966. She is gonna take me
on a trip around the world.Copy !req
967. Wow! Where you gonna go, Leon?Copy !req
968. Well, basically,
around the world, you know.Copy !req
969. We'll go to Paris, of course.
We might go to France.Copy !req
970. Acapulco, Sweden,
maybe the Solomon Islands.Copy !req
971. - You know.
- Well, Leon, you finally made good.Copy !req
972. That's the way I like
to look at it, you know.Copy !req
973. When a man works hard
all his life...Copy !req
974. and dorks hundreds of ladies,
many of whom he don't even remember,Copy !req
975. you'd like to think that
at the end of the day...Copy !req
976. he'll be given a lot of money
without having to earn it.Copy !req
977. I believe that, yes.Copy !req
978. So, yes, I think I have found
true happiness. And I raise my glass.Copy !req
979. - To happiness.
- To happiness.Copy !req
980. - Happiness.
- Thank you.Copy !req
981. Mmm!Copy !req
982. That is good Courvoisier.Copy !req
983. I would love to stay and have
another one, like I usually do,Copy !req
984. but I cannot keep the future
Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.Copy !req
985. So I bid you adieu. See you
on the other side of the tracks.Copy !req
986. - Take care of yourself.
- All right, Scrap.Copy !req
987. Julie,
you made it just in time.Copy !req
988. I'm on my way to see
the girl of my dreams.Copy !req
989. Yeah. Now, that's
what I'm talkin' about.Copy !req
990. Leon Phelps.Copy !req
991. - Damn!
- Baby, what happened to your face?Copy !req
992. This is nothin'. It's just one
of those Biore patches, that's all.Copy !req
993. Sorry about that.
I brought you some flowers.Copy !req
994. They look and feel plastic,
but they smell real.Copy !req
995. And also I bought you a box
of my favorite Mexican wine.Copy !req
996. It's a little heavy.Copy !req
997. Well, you've always
been so... giving.Copy !req
998. - Mm.
- Why don't you come on in?Copy !req
999. I will. This is my house,
after all. Right?Copy !req
1000. I mean, this is my statue,
and this is my carpet.Copy !req
1001. This is my mirror.Copy !req
1002. That's my urn.Copy !req
1003. And that is my frieze.Copy !req
1004. Why don't you go have a seat in the
living room, and I'll fix you a drink.Copy !req
1005. Yeah, that sounds good.Copy !req
1006. Let me see if I remember...
Cour...Copy !req
1007. Courvoisier, yes.
That is the drink.Copy !req
1008. Yeah. This is a nice place
you got here.Copy !req
1009. It's no houseboat,
but it's nice.Copy !req
1010. Can we sell it?
just kiddin'.Copy !req
1011. My God, this is a butt-load
of cash you got here.Copy !req
1012. - Is this ours?
- Well, it's ours now.Copy !req
1013. Well, that's nice, but you should
put that in a safer place,Copy !req
1014. like a bank or somethin' like that.Copy !req
1015. Stop talking.Copy !req
1016. - I want you to take me, wild man.
- Now?Copy !req
1017. Yes, now. My husband
won't be back for hours.Copy !req
1018. - Your husband.
- Yeah. It's no big deal.Copy !req
1019. You might have to kill him,
but I don't think it'll come to that.Copy !req
1020. You better be sure it's safe, because
I can guarantee if it was not safe...Copy !req
1021. I would never do something
of this nature.Copy !req
1022. Because over the years
I have learned to not do...Copy !req
1023. unsafe things, you understand.Copy !req
1024. - Because...
- Shut up and kiss me.Copy !req
1025. Okay, listen,
this is very nice, but...Copy !req
1026. Listen,
this is not cool.Copy !req
1027. Why don't we talk first?
We never get to really... Whoa!Copy !req
1028. - We're never gonna catch this guy.
- Calm down, Barney.Copy !req
1029. You've gotta take that
defeatist attitude and subdue it.Copy !req
1030. Wrestle it to the ground.Copy !req
1031. Pin its... its
well-oiled and...Copy !req
1032. musky form down hard.Copy !req
1033. Let it feel your... your...Copy !req
1034. soft breath on...
on the back of its neck.Copy !req
1035. I mean...
You know what I'm...Copy !req
1036. trying to get at.Copy !req
1037. - Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.
- You bet.Copy !req
1038. - Yes! Yes! Yes!
- No, no. No.Copy !req
1039. - Listen, I can't do it.
- What?Copy !req
1040. - I can't do it. It's not workin'.
- It looks fine.Copy !req
1041. Oh, no, that is workin'.
Yeah.Copy !req
1042. But listen, I can't do it.
Somethin' is wrong.Copy !req
1043. You see, I...Copy !req
1044. I know I'm in control
of my personal world.Copy !req
1045. Nothing will ever violate my...Copy !req
1046. my personal space.Copy !req
1047. That's for sure.
Whoops. Butterfingers.Copy !req
1048. Let me just grab these keys,
and we'll be right inside.Copy !req
1049. Something is wrong.
I can't do this.Copy !req
1050. - You know, I think that I'm in love.
- What?Copy !req
1051. Yeah. When you sent that letter,
all I could think about was the money.Copy !req
1052. But then when we started to do it, all
I could think about was Julie's face.Copy !req
1053. I don't mean like thinkin' about some
hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.Copy !req
1054. This was sensitive.Copy !req
1055. Gentlemen, please step into
the serenity...Copy !req
1056. of my beautiful foyer.Copy !req
1057. - All right.
- All right.Copy !req
1058. Listen... Listen, Honey,
I don't think this is a good idea.Copy !req
1059. - I'm telling...
- Remember how...Copy !req
1060. Yeah, I know...
Gettin' it together.Copy !req
1061. Hi, sweetheart.
Have you met Leon Phelps?Copy !req
1062. Yeah, what's happenin'?Copy !req
1063. - Son of a bitch!
- Don't say "son of a bitch."Copy !req
1064. That's not nice.
What's wrong with you fellas?Copy !req
1065. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1066. - My wife had that?
- Yeah, she did.Copy !req
1067. I can understand you bein' angry,Copy !req
1068. but you can't blame
the Wang.Copy !req
1069. - Well, he's got a point.
- I mean, that's a beauty.Copy !req
1070. Kill him!Copy !req
1071. - Yeah!
- Yeah! No!Copy !req
1072. Yeah, you heard what he said.
No!Copy !req
1073. I've waited longer for this
than anyone.Copy !req
1074. Gentlemen... he's mine.Copy !req
1075. - And he's dead.
- Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
1076. Talk to her, Lord.
Please talk to her.Copy !req
1077. I told you
we were a lot alike.Copy !req
1078. It's all right, baby.
Men are pigs.Copy !req
1079. The only way to deal with them
is booze.Copy !req
1080. Booze... and penicillin.Copy !req
1081. I swear, I never thought
I could be taken in again...Copy !req
1082. by another insincere man.Copy !req
1083. Easy. Easy, girl. That's one
rambunctious guzzle you got there.Copy !req
1084. I drank that one
for Leon's one true love.Copy !req
1085. Rot in hell,
Honey DeLune.Copy !req
1086. In hell!Copy !req
1087. Did you say that woman's name
was Honey DeLune?Copy !req
1088. That's what she said.Copy !req
1089. If that's her name,
Leon is in a whole lot of trouble.Copy !req
1090. Why is that?Copy !req
1091. That's the wife of the dude
who wants to kill Leon.Copy !req
1092. - Somebody wants to kill Leon?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1093. - My Leon?
- Yup.Copy !req
1094. Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!Copy !req
1095. I am going to wrestle you.Copy !req
1096. Listen, you really don't
have to do this.Copy !req
1097. I was just saying to your wife Honey
that I'm a changed man.Copy !req
1098. And if I can have the self-control
to not bone a lady as fine as she is...Copy !req
1099. And you know, she can do that
amazing thing with her tongue...Copy !req
1100. I think you know what
I'm talkin' about.Copy !req
1101. That should be reason enough
to let me go.Copy !req
1102. Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!Copy !req
1103. Oh, yes.
I'm going to enjoy this.Copy !req
1104. Oil?Copy !req
1105. - No, that's all right.
- Oh.Copy !req
1106. Well, I... I'm still
going to enjoy this.Copy !req
1107. But definitely not as much.
And that makes me angry.Copy !req
1108. - I am a master of Greco-Roman wrestling.
- Yeah!Copy !req
1109. I will crush you,Copy !req
1110. and you will learn
a new definition of pain!Copy !req
1111. - Totally! Yeah!
- All right!Copy !req
1112. Sure you don't want a dab?
It's a lemon essence, and it is delightful.Copy !req
1113. - Mm.
- Ah...Copy !req
1114. You'd better take the oil, Leon.
It's pretty rough without the oil.Copy !req
1115. - No, that's all right. I'm good.
- Okay. Suit yourself.Copy !req
1116. And Lance, dear,
can you kick ass quietly?Copy !req
1117. 10-4, apricot.Copy !req
1118. Now, Leon Phelps,
prepare to meet your doom.Copy !req
1119. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1120. Cry havoc,
and set free the dogs of war!Copy !req
1121. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1122. Vengeance is mine!
Aa-aah!Copy !req
1123. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
1124. Ooh!Copy !req
1125. O-O-Ohh!Copy !req
1126. - Ow! You punched me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1127. That is not wrestling!
Hello!Copy !req
1128. Boss, you want us
to let him go now, or...Copy !req
1129. - He's got a gun!
- What, are you crazy, round boy?Copy !req
1130. No, we don't let him go!
Get back in there!Copy !req
1131. This guys ruined my life!Copy !req
1132. Get me the bolt cutters.Copy !req
1133. - This man has stolen our manhood
- Cuckoo!Copy !req
1134. It's time to take it back.Copy !req
1135. - Cut his balls off!
- Wait a second!Copy !req
1136. - Aarrgh!
- Before you do what you're about to do,Copy !req
1137. there's something
I want to say, all right?Copy !req
1138. Now listen. All you men
here with wives or girlfriends...Copy !req
1139. or sisters or mothers,Copy !req
1140. yes, I did sex them up
a little bit.Copy !req
1141. - Kill him!
- There's something else I wanna say.Copy !req
1142. In most cases,
it was really good.Copy !req
1143. - Kill!
- No, hold on!Copy !req
1144. But listen, I didn't force myself
onto your women.Copy !req
1145. I simply gave them somethin'
that you all wasn't givin' them.Copy !req
1146. - Like Frank. You, for instance.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1147. - Your wife, she loves you, man.
- She does?Copy !req
1148. Yes. She always used to call your name
when I was rockin' on top of her.Copy !req
1149. - She did?
- Yeah. And Hal.Copy !req
1150. - Me?
- Hal, Hal, Hal.Copy !req
1151. All your old lady ever wanted was you
to spend time gettin' her in the mood.Copy !req
1152. - Really?
- Yeah. And you never did, did you?Copy !req
1153. - Say it loud.
- No.Copy !req
1154. You see?Copy !req
1155. And Lance.
Well, Lance, you're clearly gay.Copy !req
1156. There's nothing really else to say
about that. I think you all know that.Copy !req
1157. That's cool. But you were tryin' to
oil me up, and that's not really cool.Copy !req
1158. You all need to listen
to your ladies.Copy !req
1159. You need to say to her, "Baby,
what is it that you want?"Copy !req
1160. Or, "Do you want
to do it in the butt?Copy !req
1161. No? Okay, well,
let's move onto somethin' else."Copy !req
1162. You just need to listen
to your ladies.Copy !req
1163. I know that now, because I
too have a woman that I love.Copy !req
1164. Her name is Julie,
and I never listened to her.Copy !req
1165. I was too busy trying to be
"Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man,"Copy !req
1166. instead of Leon Phelps,
the man.Copy !req
1167. - Leon...
- Just a second Julie, I got these... Julie!Copy !req
1168. That was beautiful.Copy !req
1169. No, you're not getting off
the hook this time Phelps.Copy !req
1170. - No, Lance, no!
- Lance, Lance.Copy !req
1171. Nuts!
Al's right.Copy !req
1172. - Hey, hey! Watch it!
- He's not the problem.Copy !req
1173. I... I'm the problem.Copy !req
1174. Look what it's done to us.Copy !req
1175. - It's turned us crazy!
- Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
1176. I'm sorry, Lance.
I'm going home.Copy !req
1177. No-o-o!Copy !req
1178. No!Copy !req
1179. Lance!Copy !req
1180. Lance!Copy !req
1181. Lance!Copy !req
1182. I'm sorry. That was way too dramatic.Copy !req
1183. I'm actually with these guys.
You're all right in my book.Copy !req
1184. - See you later.
- Take care.Copy !req
1185. Well, there goes Leon Phelps.Copy !req
1186. His days as the fastest and loosest Wang
in town may be over,Copy !req
1187. but it's not the end
of his story by along shot.Copy !req
1188. In fact, he got...Copy !req
1189. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
1190. - Let's go.
- Yes. Let's.Copy !req
1191. In fact, Leon got his show back.Copy !req
1192. His popularity grew and grew until he
was one of the biggest deejays in town.Copy !req
1193. His face appeared on the nation's
most popular brand of hog balls.Copy !req
1194. Ladies Man became America's
number-one radio talk show.Copy !req
1195. Your husband is a little insecure
because he's retirin', that's all.Copy !req
1196. Don't worry. It's a passing thing.
Okay, Hillary?Copy !req
1197. Now, I will see you and Bill
this weekend. Okay? Bye-bye.Copy !req
1198. You're listening to The Ladies Man,
the coast-to-coast love line...Copy !req
1199. with all the right responses
to your romantic queries.Copy !req
1200. And I think we got time
for one more call.Copy !req
1201. - Hello? Ladies Man?
- Hey, it's a lady.Copy !req
1202. Ladies Man, how do you know when
you're really, truly in love?Copy !req
1203. That's a good question.Copy !req
1204. You know, I can tell you how I felt
when I knew I was truly in love.Copy !req
1205. It happened when
I met someone...Copy !req
1206. that made everything
that I enjoy in life...Copy !req
1207. a little bit
more special.Copy !req
1208. Plus, I felt it
in my pants.Copy !req
1209. Well. That is
all the time we have.Copy !req
1210. Until next time,
this has been The Ladies Man.Copy !req