1. Along the Kennedy Expressway,Copy !req
2. a truck overturned
in the slow lane.Copy !req
3. Along the Stevenson Expressway,
the traffic moving along nicely.Copy !req
4. Another Shadow traffic update
with T.J. Burks in ten minutes.Copy !req
5. You are listening to WRIX,Copy !req
6. Chicago's number one news
and financial net work.Copy !req
7. Now, back to Money Matters.
- Welcome back.I'm your host, Gil Stewart,Copy !req
8. and we're almost out of time
here on Money Matters,Copy !req
9. but here's a quick wrap-up
of the day's biggest stories.Copy !req
10. The Dow closing out today
at minus 55,Copy !req
11. while the NASDAQ
was up seven points.Copy !req
12. The S&P is down four.Copy !req
13. Gold takes a big hit on the floor
as the International Monetary Fund...Copy !req
14. unloads 10%
of its gold holdings,Copy !req
15. causing ripples
throughout the banking industry,Copy !req
16. continuing the trend of
unloading the bulk of its holdings...Copy !req
17. in favor of
better-performing securities.Copy !req
18. You've been listening
to Money Matters.Copy !req
19. I'm Gil Stewart,
looking after your money.Copy !req
20. - It's now 2:00 a.m. and time for—Copy !req
21. What's happening?
And welcome to The Ladies Man,Copy !req
22. the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries.Copy !req
23. My name is Leon Phelps, and to those
of you that are uninitiated,Copy !req
24. I am an expert
in the ways of love.Copy !req
25. Um, I have made love
to many fine ladies,Copy !req
26. from the lowliest
bus station skank...Copy !req
27. to the classiest,
most sophisticated,Copy !req
28. educated, debutante,
high society bus station skank.Copy !req
29. But listen. I am doing good,
if you were askin'.Copy !req
30. I got my Courvoisier cognac
right here,Copy !req
31. and I'm ready
to take your calls.Copy !req
32. While I am not a psychiatrist
or a psychologist or whatever,Copy !req
33. I have done it
to a lot of ladies,Copy !req
34. and that makes me
somewhat like an expert.Copy !req
35. I have a Ph.D. in tang,
as it were.Copy !req
36. So, if you have a romantic query
and you are under the age of 50...Copy !req
37. and you're not freaky or disgustin',
please give us a call.Copy !req
38. My lovely producer,
Julie Simmons,Copy !req
39. she is over there and she is
awaiting with bated breath...Copy !req
40. to hear what
you got to say.Copy !req
41. Okay, you're gonna have
to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.Copy !req
42. Susan from Oak Park.
you have a question for Leon?Copy !req
43. Oh, he left his clothes
at your house.Copy !req
44. The phone is lighting up,
so let's take a call.Copy !req
45. Hey, what's happening? This is
Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
46. - Hello, Ladies Man.
- Oh, it's a lady.Copy !req
47. I'm new to this city.
and I don't know too many people.Copy !req
48. And I am painfully shy.Copy !req
49. Yeah, you sound painfully shy.
Listen, this is what you should do.Copy !req
50. Go to the bus station
or to a bowling alley...Copy !req
51. and hang out
with no underpants.Copy !req
52. - Trust me. It works.
- What?Copy !req
53. You'd be surprised at how many men
will approach you. I know that I would.Copy !req
54. Next caller, go ahead.
You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
55. Ladies Man.
I've been feeling really confused.Copy !req
56. Yeah, that sounds good.Copy !req
57. No, it's not good.Copy !req
58. I'm in a relationship, but
I don't know if he is for real.Copy !req
59. How do you know when
you're really, truly in love?Copy !req
60. Don't worry.
When you're really, truly in love,Copy !req
61. you will feel it
deep down in your pants.Copy !req
62. Unless, of course,
you're not wearing any pants,Copy !req
63. which is not uncommon
in my case.Copy !req
64. What are you talking about?
I asked you about finding true love.Copy !req
65. Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,
I hope whatever I said was helpful.Copy !req
66. Next caller.
You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
67. Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put
you on hold, okay? Ladies Man.Copy !req
68. Listen, I don't care what you say.
Chlamydia is a soup.Copy !req
69. It's my opinion.
I can have that if I'd like.Copy !req
70. You don't have to argue. I've seen it
on the grocery store shelves.Copy !req
71. Yes, I know that cl am chowder
is not a venereal disease.Copy !req
72. Don't argue with me about it.
I don't care if you are a doctor.Copy !req
73. No, we promise there
won't be any more vulgar material.Copy !req
74. You gotta get a thumb
and just stick it up in there.Copy !req
75. Actually, get two thumbs up
in there, you know, like the Fonz.Copy !req
76. Like this- "Hey."Copy !req
77. There may be weird smells afterwards,
but don't worry. Just take a shower.Copy !req
78. Hey, go ahead, caller.
You got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
79. No one knows
where Leon came from exactly,Copy !req
80. but he started out life on
the steps of a majestic mansion.Copy !req
81. The master of the house
was a great man...Copy !req
82. who surrounded himself
with the world's most beautiful objects.Copy !req
83. He had everything he wanted,Copy !req
84. except a son.Copy !req
85. Young Leon was taken
into this world...Copy !req
86. and raised as one of their own.Copy !req
87. And in that warm
family environment,Copy !req
88. Leon developed into quite
a stylish young man.Copy !req
89. He learned everything a bright kid
would wanna know about—Copy !req
90. stereo systems
and, of course, love.Copy !req
91. In this magical kingdom,Copy !req
92. the king shared everything
with him.Copy !req
93. Only one thing was off-limits.Copy !req
94. But Leon being Leon,Copy !req
95. the day arrived when the benevolent
proprietor and Leon parted ways.Copy !req
96. Poor little Leon
was thrown out into the cold,Copy !req
97. much like Moses
in the days of old.Copy !req
98. After that it wasn't easy
for the little man, but he got along.Copy !req
99. He always did.Copy !req
100. Not because he was smart
and not because he was rich,Copy !req
101. but because...Copy !req
102. the ladies loved Leon Phelps.Copy !req
103. - How did he do it?
- Hey, Leon.Copy !req
104. Well, I guess you'd better
ask the man yourself.Copy !req
105. Lester, how come you tell that story
every time we walk into this bar?Copy !req
106. I don't know. Maybe there's somebody
out there who don't know you.Copy !req
107. Yeah, right. It's the same five
or six people in this place.Copy !req
108. - How'd your show go tonight?
- Oh, yeah, good question.Copy !req
109. Um, same old, same old.
Leon Phelps is a genius.Copy !req
110. Yeah, same old angry calls
from our listeners...Copy !req
111. and same old threats
from the boss.Copy !req
112. But listen,
for every hundred angry calls we get,Copy !req
113. there is somebody
that I helped.Copy !req
114. Ain't that right,
Scrap Iron?Copy !req
115. Huh? Yeah.Copy !req
116. Leon single-handedly saved
my second and fourth marriages.Copy !req
117. - Mm-hmm.
- That's right. And it was Leon...Copy !req
118. who taught me I didn't have
to be ashamed of my body.Copy !req
119. Thank you, Candy. You see, I like
to help people. That is what I do.Copy !req
120. You know,
I am like Mother Teresa,Copy !req
121. but of "boning,"
you see what I'm saying?Copy !req
122. Listen, Julie, you are now
in the world of Leon Phelps, okay?Copy !req
123. Everything will work out.
Trust me.Copy !req
124. Thank you, Scrap.Copy !req
125. And besides that, Julie,
you have to learn...Copy !req
126. that there are more important things
in life than work.Copy !req
127. - Can I help you?
- Martini with lemon.Copy !req
128. So excuse me while
Leon Phelps shows you...Copy !req
129. how he brings home
the bacon.Copy !req
130. That's my cue.
I'm out of here.Copy !req
131. Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak,
ain't it, girlfriend?Copy !req
132. I mean, when's it
gonna be our turn, right?Copy !req
133. You know, you and me
are exactly alike. Eerie.Copy !req
134. - See you later, Scrap Iron.
- Bye, baby.Copy !req
135. - Bye, Lester. See you tomorrow, Leon.
- Bye, sweetie.Copy !req
136. There goes Julie Simmons.Copy !req
137. I bet you're wondering what a nice girl
like that is doing in a place like this.Copy !req
138. That's exactly what I was wondering
one night about two years ago.Copy !req
139. - Bourbon, up.Copy !req
140. Let me help you with that.
There you go.Copy !req
141. Listen, I was wondering,
can I ask you a question?Copy !req
142. Was your father
a meat burglar?Copy !req
143. Here's why I ask.
Because it looks like somebody...Copy !req
144. stole two fine hams and shoved them
down the back of your dress.Copy !req
145. And then it happened.
She started laughing.Copy !req
146. Kept on laughing.
I thought she was crazy.Copy !req
147. They talked and laughed
on into the night.Copy !req
148. Leon didn't go home with her,
but he took home her business card.Copy !req
149. She said she was in radio. Said
she wanted to put Leon on the radio.Copy !req
150. That was two years ago.Copy !req
151. I guess she packed
her wedding dress away...Copy !req
152. for another day.Copy !req
153. Listen, seriously, Lester.
Can you take a break for a second?Copy !req
154. I'm trying to concentrate
over here.Copy !req
155. Leon, think
she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.Copy !req
156. Au contraire, bon jour.Copy !req
157. Let me give you
the play-by-play.Copy !req
158. I will probably begin
with a very classy first line.Copy !req
159. Something like—Copy !req
160. Say, sweet thing,
can I buy you a fish sandwich?Copy !req
161. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
162. And then I will commence to
whisper sweet words in her ear.Copy !req
163. Something like—Copy !req
164. Man, I'd like to take a bite
out of your butt.Copy !req
165. And then I will close the deal
by giving her a preview of...Copy !req
166. - the goods.Copy !req
167. The day you pick up that pretty woman,Copy !req
168. that's the day I believe
a wet bird don't fly at night.Copy !req
169. Yeah? Well, get ready to see
a wet bird fly at night, my friend.Copy !req
170. Say there, sweet thing.Copy !req
171. Uh, I have a question.
Could I—Copy !req
172. - Hey, swinger. I've got an idea.
- Yeah?Copy !req
173. My husbands away.Copy !req
174. Let's go back to my place.Copy !req
175. So you don't want
a fish sandwich?Copy !req
176. Okay, that's cool, I guess.
But listen.Copy !req
177. - My car doesn't exist, so- Yes.
- Shut up.Copy !req
178. The bus is what
we'll be taking.Copy !req
179. - Hey! Hey, man! Hey!Copy !req
180. - To the left! Yeah. Just like that.
- Like that?Copy !req
181. Honey, the front door.Copy !req
182. Barney, is that you?Copy !req
183. Well, it isn't the Orkin man.Copy !req
184. I'll be right there.Copy !req
185. You'll never guess
what happened.Copy !req
186. I was cleaning up
the broom closet,Copy !req
187. and it was so stuffed
with crap.Copy !req
188. So I opened the door...Copy !req
189. and it was like,
"Uh-uh-uh-uh.Copy !req
190. Don't open that door, McGee."Copy !req
191. 'Cause all that stuff...Copy !req
192. just came tumbling down
all over me.Copy !req
193. - Do you have a man in there with you?
- Oh, yes!Copy !req
194. Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Don't stop.Copy !req
195. - CherylCopy !req
196. Oh, don't stop!
Oh, don't-Copy !req
197. Listen, baby, that was cool,
but I gotta go.Copy !req
198. No!Copy !req
199. Wake up!Copy !req
200. It is 2:30 in the a.m., and you are
listenin' to The Ladies Man.Copy !req
201. All right. So let's take
some more calls. Go ahead, caller.Copy !req
202. Hello? Am I on?Copy !req
203. Yes, you are.
What seems to be your query?Copy !req
204. Uh-Copy !req
205. Well, look, I've never called
a show like this before,Copy !req
206. but I'm in-
I'm in really bad shape.Copy !req
207. I was, uh- I was kind of hoping
that you'd help me out.Copy !req
208. Well, we'll see
what we can do.Copy !req
209. So, I came home last night,Copy !req
210. and what do you know.Copy !req
211. My wife of seven years was
in the sack with another guy.Copy !req
212. - Yeah, that sounds good.
- No, it's not good.Copy !req
213. I-I saw the guy.Copy !req
214. I saw him running—
running down the street.Copy !req
215. He had this, like, smiley...Copy !req
216. tattoo thing on his, uh,
on his, uh-Copy !req
217. Okay, sir, listen.Copy !req
218. We're gonna take
a break right now.Copy !req
219. We'll be back in a few moments
with the answer to our survey,Copy !req
220. "What is your favorite hole?"
Thanks for calling.Copy !req
221. I don't wanna talk.
I just came to pick up my-Copy !req
222. - Barney!Copy !req
223. No! No!Copy !req
224. It's not what you think.Copy !req
225. Way to go, Leon.
You really are a class act.Copy !req
226. Well, what can I say, baby?
The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.Copy !req
227. What ladies?
Who are these women?Copy !req
228. And why do you feel like you
have to sleep with all of them?Copy !req
229. Um, let me see.
Have you ever had sex?Copy !req
230. Yes, Leon, I've had sex.Copy !req
231. - Yes, well, there you go.Copy !req
232. That's delightful.Copy !req
233. - Yeah.
- It's exactly that kind of language...Copy !req
234. that's gonna get you
kicked off the air-Copy !req
235. - Mr. Kent.
- Yes!Copy !req
236. You certainly seem
in good spirits today.Copy !req
237. I didn't think it showed.Copy !req
238. I just got a letter
from the F.C.C.Copy !req
239. So I suppose you could say I'm full
of contentment and cheer.Copy !req
240. What do you mean?Copy !req
241. I'm sure you're aware
your little friend, Leon Phelps,Copy !req
242. has always been a thorn
in my side.Copy !req
243. He's unprofessional.
He drinks on the air.Copy !req
244. He has a little sip
of cognac now and then, but-Copy !req
245. I would have fired him years ago
if he wasn't such a-Copy !req
246. such a favorite with
the owner of the station.Copy !req
247. I don't know what
she sees in him.Copy !req
248. But I finally decided to
go over her head about this...Copy !req
249. and straight to the F.C.C.Copy !req
250. And if Leon Phelps is responsible
for even one more...Copy !req
251. tiny little fine,Copy !req
252. I get to fire him.Copy !req
253. Well, we haven't had
a fine in weeks.Copy !req
254. Leon's completely
cleaned up his act.Copy !req
255. - Oh, is that a fact?
- Caller, you got The Ladies Man.Copy !req
256. Yeah, you see,
what your problem is...Copy !req
257. is that you suffer from,Copy !req
258. um, "homo-un-erectus."Copy !req
259. Which means, basically, that
your Wang is "hugeified"Copy !req
260. not by a woman but by a man.Copy !req
261. Well, you never know. I mean, some
nights the F.C.C. doesn't even listen.Copy !req
262. - Really?
- No!Copy !req
263. They listen all the time.
Probably listening now.Copy !req
264. What's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us
in the station. How you doing?Copy !req
265. Well, I guess he can't stick around.Copy !req
266. But you still got Leon Phelps.
I'm sticking it out here.Copy !req
267. We gonna take a break.
We gonna be right back.Copy !req
268. - Leon—
- Don't let Bucky get you all upset.Copy !req
269. - He is just jealous.
- Leon, I think he's serious this time.Copy !req
270. He said that the radio station
won't pay for any more of your fines.Copy !req
271. I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only
got three minutes left for the show.Copy !req
272. I'm just gonna ease my way out. Play
a little music. No more phone calls.Copy !req
273. And you'll see by tomorrow
Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.Copy !req
274. - You promise?
- Julie, come on.Copy !req
275. The one person you can trust
is Leon Phelps.Copy !req
276. - Okay.
- Kiss me. Kiss me!Copy !req
277. - Stop it.Copy !req
278. What's happening?
You got The Ladies Man,Copy !req
279. Leon Phelps here, and I am looking
at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,Copy !req
280. which means that we are
just about out of time.Copy !req
281. But before I go, I'd like to
leave you with just one more thought.Copy !req
282. This is a little something
that I wrote.Copy !req
283. And I read:Copy !req
284. "What is love?Copy !req
285. What is this longing in
our hearts for togetherness?Copy !req
286. Is it not
the sweetest flower?Copy !req
287. Does not this flower
of love...Copy !req
288. have the fragrant aroma
affine, fine diamonds?Copy !req
289. Does not the wind
love the dirt?Copy !req
290. ls not love not unlike
the unlikely not it is unliking to?Copy !req
291. Are you with someone tonight?Copy !req
292. Do not question your love.Copy !req
293. Take your lover by the hand.Copy !req
294. Release the power
within yourselfCopy !req
295. You heard me,
release the power.Copy !req
296. Tame the wild cosmos
with a whisper.Copy !req
297. Conquer heaven with one
intimate caress.Copy !req
298. That's right.
Don't be shy.Copy !req
299. Whip out
everything you've got...Copy !req
300. and do it in the butt."Copy !req
301. By Leon Phelps.Copy !req
302. Let's go. Come on.Copy !req
303. - Good distance.
- Yeah, not bad.Copy !req
304. Listen, Julie, I just wanna say...Copy !req
305. thank you
for sticking up for me.Copy !req
306. - Yeah, okay. Leon-
- Listen. You always stick up for me.Copy !req
307. - Yeah, but Leon—
- You're the greatest, you know?Copy !req
308. - Thank you.
- And another thing.Copy !req
309. No matter what they do to me, they can
fire me from their radio station,Copy !req
310. they can call me
all kinds of names,Copy !req
311. they can make me get down
on my knees and beg for my job,Copy !req
312. but the one thing
that they cannot take away...Copy !req
313. from sweet Leon...Copy !req
314. is his dignity.Copy !req
315. So this is my fabulous yacht.Copy !req
316. Or as I like to call it,
my personal "skankuary."Copy !req
317. I told you before, Leon,
it's not a yacht if you get mail there.Copy !req
318. It's more like a trailer park
of the sea.Copy !req
319. Yeah, well, even so,Copy !req
320. this is what I like
to call the L.A. Forum,Copy !req
321. because this is where
the magic happens.Copy !req
322. And the magic just happened once
on that chair that you're touching.Copy !req
323. I have performed the magic
once in that wastepaper basket.Copy !req
324. You know,Copy !req
325. That was along shot.
Wore me out.Copy !req
326. - Let's get you into bed, okay?Copy !req
327. - Here.
- Officer, no.Copy !req
328. Come on. Let's see
if we can get you into bed.Copy !req
329. Watch it. Ow!Copy !req
330. - I'm sorry, Julie.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on.Copy !req
331. - I'm sorry.
- It's okay.Copy !req
332. Listen, I handle my drink
better than today.Copy !req
333. - I've seen you. I know.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the firing.Copy !req
334. - It's okay just lie down.
- You deserve better.Copy !req
335. - It's okay. We're gonna be fine.
- You should be with a professional.Copy !req
336. Mrs. Robinson, are you
trying to seduce me?Copy !req
337. No, I'm not.Copy !req
338. In fact, I'm looking
around this place...Copy !req
339. and I can't understand why anyone
would ever want to seduce you.Copy !req
340. That is why.Copy !req
341. Mm-mmm.Copy !req
342. - "Pina Colada Butt Lotion"?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
343. Where do you even
find this stuff?Copy !req
344. Mostly at K-Mart
and Wal-Mart.Copy !req
345. And why do you have a water bed
when you live on a boat?Copy !req
346. Oh, it's because there's
more motion in the ocean.Copy !req
347. Come on in, baby.
The water's fine.Copy !req
348. - So Julie?
- Huh?Copy !req
349. Are we going to do it?Copy !req
350. No, we are not going to do it.Copy !req
351. I would hate to see you
as an old man, Leon.Copy !req
352. You are gonna be
one sorry sight.Copy !req
353. - Where you going?
- I'm going home.Copy !req
354. The job search
starts tomorrow.Copy !req
355. Oh, boy.Copy !req
356. - Smiley...Copy !req
357. ass tattoo.Copy !req
358. "Victims of the smiling ass."Copy !req
359. "Have you seen this ass?"Copy !req
360. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
361. "Welcome to the V.S.A.Copy !req
362. Victims of the smiling ass.Copy !req
363. We will have our revenge."Copy !req
364. Well, let me
tell you a little bit about WRQE.Copy !req
365. We play all the biggest names
in soft rock and light jazz.Copy !req
366. Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.Copy !req
367. I don't know if you've heard of a lady
who goes by the name of Celine Dion.Copy !req
368. - No, who is that?Copy !req
369. I have to say I've heard of you, but
I'm not too familiar with your show.Copy !req
370. I don't stay up
that late anymore.Copy !req
371. - Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- I'm afraid we don't-Copy !req
372. Yeah, actually, we do.
This should give you...Copy !req
373. a good idea of what
we can bring to your station.Copy !req
374. Fantastic.Copy !req
375. Let's see
what we've got here.Copy !req
376. You know, clinically speaking,
doing it doggy style has-Copy !req
377. There's some racy stuff at the
beginning, but you can speed through it.Copy !req
378. All right.Copy !req
379. - Yeah.Copy !req
380. Sounds like the answer for you
is doing it doggy style.Copy !req
381. Just speed through.
Same stuff.Copy !req
382. Boy, excuse me.
Anyways, doggy style—Copy !req
383. You can speed right through
that part too.Copy !req
384. Yeah, see,
you was kicked in the scrotum.Copy !req
385. Or as they say
in the medical profession, the ball sac.Copy !req
386. You can skip
through that part.Copy !req
387. Well, you know, the scientific name
is the "Hershey Highway."Copy !req
388. Speed on through.Copy !req
389. Hey. But that
is the only tape.Copy !req
390. The tape is important.
There's people looking.Copy !req
391. That's not- Don't-Copy !req
392. - Miss, uh, Simmons?
- Yes.Copy !req
393. Uh, let's see.Copy !req
394. Oh, very nice.
Very nice.Copy !req
395. - Thank you.
- And, uh-Copy !req
396. Mr. Phelps.Copy !req
397. Yeah, that's me.Copy !req
398. I'm presently in the process of getting
my resume typed up over at Kinko's.Copy !req
399. - Kinko's. Good people. Nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
400. I see under "interests,"
you've written "Debit"?Copy !req
401. No, that's "da" butt.Copy !req
402. - "Da" butt?
- Yeah. And I also like tennis.Copy !req
403. Good, good.Copy !req
404. Well, Mr. Phelps,
today might be your lucky day.Copy !req
405. Our morning anchor quit,
out of the blue.Copy !req
406. And we are desperate for
someone to fill her old slot.Copy !req
407. Well, that's no problem,Copy !req
408. 'cause I have a lot of experience
at filling other people's slots.Copy !req
409. - Really?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
410. You mean you've filled
other people's slots before?Copy !req
411. - Yeah, this morning.
- Fantastic. You got the job.Copy !req
412. Really?Copy !req
413. Yeah, absolutely.Copy !req
414. Well, welcome to WPJT Radio.Copy !req
415. What's happening?
And welcome to The Ladies—Copy !req
416. Uh, The Lord's Man Show.Copy !req
417. Um- So, I understand
that you are a nun?Copy !req
418. - Yes, that's right.
- Yeah, that's cool.Copy !req
419. And how long have you been,
uh, "nunning" it up?Copy !req
420. For about 30 years now.Copy !req
421. Yeah. Well, congratulations.
That's good.Copy !req
422. Now, I understand
that your work...Copy !req
423. takes you all around the world,
is that right?Copy !req
424. Yes, that is correct. In fact,
I'll be leaving the country...Copy !req
425. very soon to assume
a missionary position.Copy !req
426. I'm sorry. What was that?Copy !req
427. I'm going to assume
a missionary position,Copy !req
428. and I'll probably be holding it
for a very longtime.Copy !req
429. Yeah, well, that's—
that's interesting.Copy !req
430. Um- So, where will
you be holding this-Copy !req
431. - Missionary position? In Bangkok.
- Yeah.Copy !req
432. Bangkok. Yeah.
That's, uh, cool.Copy !req
433. So why don't we talk
about something else.Copy !req
434. Bangkok is lovely. In fact, I'm
looking forward to taking it all in.Copy !req
435. Hmm.Copy !req
436. - But it can get a little steamy.Copy !req
437. Have you ever gone down
the Yellow River?Copy !req
438. Yeah, once in the '80s,
but I did not enjoy it.Copy !req
439. What about
a missionary position?Copy !req
440. Have you ever known the joys
of a missionary position?Copy !req
441. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
442. Here's a story I'm gonna tell you.
It goes a little something like this.Copy !req
443. I was with these two girls,
right?Copy !req
444. And so I was doing the twin sisters
and then her mother walks in,Copy !req
445. and her mother
has a video camera.Copy !req
446. So she puts it on the tripod
and she starts to ram it.Copy !req
447. It was sort of
a missionary position—Copy !req
448. Yeah?
Well, up yours too.Copy !req
449. Oh, well,
on to the next one.Copy !req
450. Next one?
There is no next one.Copy !req
451. That's nonsense, Julie. There's
that kiddie station up in Wilmette.Copy !req
452. Leon, we may never work
in radio again.Copy !req
453. No, listen, Julie.
That is where you are wrong.Copy !req
454. We'll get out of this mess.
Trust me.Copy !req
455. Last time I trusted you, you told the
city of Chicago to do it in the butt.Copy !req
456. Yeah. Well, there was no way to predict
that that was gonna end up so badly.Copy !req
457. - But look, it'll be different this time.
- Whatever, Leon.Copy !req
458. I need to think this through. You
call me when you come back to reality.Copy !req
459. Don't you worry, Julie.
I'm a man of action.Copy !req
460. I have a plan
for this type of thing.Copy !req
461. There's only one thing to do.Copy !req
462. I'm must go and have sex...Copy !req
463. and wait for something
to randomly happen.Copy !req
464. It'll work out, you'll see.Copy !req
465. It will randomly work out!Copy !req
466. Score! Score! Score!Copy !req
467. Yeah. Whoo!Copy !req
468. Well, I just had sex, and-Copy !req
469. - U.S. Mail.
- There's the random occurrence.Copy !req
470. I hate the houseboat guy.Copy !req
471. Hey, what's happenin'?Copy !req
472. Shh.
I was bonin' a lady inside.Copy !req
473. Say, look at this.
It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker.Copy !req
474. - Really?
- Ooh, it says, "Urgent."Copy !req
475. "Dear Leon. Stop.
The '70s are over. Stop."Copy !req
476. Let me see that.Copy !req
477. Here's your- Oops.Copy !req
478. I seem to be dropping
all your mail.Copy !req
479. - I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.
- You're a bad mailman.Copy !req
480. - And this is not from Jimmie Walker.Copy !req
481. Let's see here.Copy !req
482. Gas bill.Copy !req
483. Houseboat bill.
Electrical bill.Copy !req
484. Ooh, what is this?Copy !req
485. Ooh. It's a lady.Copy !req
486. "Money- "Copy !req
487. This is it!Copy !req
488. "Dearest Leon,Copy !req
489. I know it has been a longtime since
we parted ways that fateful night,Copy !req
490. but I still remember
the tender moments we spent together.Copy !req
491. The feeling of your skin
pressed up against mine.Copy !req
492. The feeling of my back pressed up
against the wall of the Laundromat.Copy !req
493. I remember how you said
I was your one true love.Copy !req
494. Time has changed nothing.Copy !req
495. I want you even more.Copy !req
496. And I have all the money we'll ever
need to make a fresh start.Copy !req
497. Come back to me, Leon.
I'm waiting for you...Copy !req
498. and I've never stopped
thinking of myself...Copy !req
499. the way you always used to
describe me...Copy !req
500. as your very special
Sweet Thing."Copy !req
501. - You gotta be kidding me.
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
502. This is the answer to
all your unemployment problems?Copy !req
503. - Who is she?
- I don't know.Copy !req
504. - You don't know?
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
505. As you can see,
she did not sign her name,Copy !req
506. so I guess she thought
I knew who she was.Copy !req
507. Cuckoo, cuckoo.
Yeah.Copy !req
508. All I know is that all my problems,
they are now solved.Copy !req
509. Leon, all your problems will be solved
when you get a job like normal people.Copy !req
510. How am I supposed to do that?
We tried every radio station in town.Copy !req
511. Not every one.
I can still pull a favor, hopefully,Copy !req
512. over at WAMS from Cyrus.Copy !req
513. Cyrus Cunningham?
Your ex-fiancé?Copy !req
514. The one that dumped you?Copy !req
515. The one with
the three-inch penis?Copy !req
516. No, Julie, listen.
I can't stand the idea of you...Copy !req
517. crawling back to that jerk
just because I got both of us fired.Copy !req
518. Listen, baby, the answer
to all of our troubles...Copy !req
519. is in this rich lady's letter
and her money.Copy !req
520. Her money. Leon, this
is a love letter, not a lottery ticket.Copy !req
521. - This is a woman who cared for you,Copy !req
522. who you called
by a special pet name.Copy !req
523. - Who you called-
- Hey, sweet thing.Copy !req
524. Hi. Can I get some more
waffles down here? Thank you.Copy !req
525. I'm sorry.
What were you saying, sweet thing?Copy !req
526. I'm, uh-
I'm sorry about the door.Copy !req
527. Do I have the right place?
I was just-Copy !req
528. Wow! You're huge.Copy !req
529. We know who you are, Barney.Copy !req
530. I think you'll be glad
that you decided to come.Copy !req
531. What-What is this?Copy !req
532. - These are people just like you, Barney.
Hi, Barney.Copy !req
533. They, too, have had
their lives shattered...Copy !req
534. by the sight
of that man's ass.Copy !req
535. I caught this mysterious tattooed guy
and my wife going at it...Copy !req
536. in July, 1992.Copy !req
537. Spring of '89.Copy !req
538. December, 1994.Copy !req
539. November of '95.Copy !req
540. And then April of '96.Copy !req
541. [Murmuring ICopy !req
542. And then again
in June of '96.Copy !req
543. And then twice more
on January 15,1997.Copy !req
544. And three more times
in the spring of '99—Copy !req
545. Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo
and Flag Day.Copy !req
546. That's Hal. Don't
make any sudden moves around him.Copy !req
547. It's all right, man.Copy !req
548. What about you?
I mean, what's your story?Copy !req
549. It was April, 1990.Copy !req
550. I was in training
for the U.S. Olympic Team.Copy !req
551. My Sport:Copy !req
552. Greco-Roman wrestling.Copy !req
553. My wife and I didn't
have a perfect marriage.Copy !req
554. Maybe I didn't
understand her needs.Copy !req
555. But she definitely
didn't understand my passion...Copy !req
556. for wrestling.Copy !req
557. She didn't understand why Brian,
my wrestling partner, and I...Copy !req
558. trained constantly.Copy !req
559. She didn't understand
the thrill any man would feel...Copy !req
560. after grabbing a big,
husky guy like Brian...Copy !req
561. and pinning him down
to the ground...Copy !req
562. until he squirms and squeals
like a little piglet.Copy !req
563. One night,
I went out to train...Copy !req
564. - at Brian's.Copy !req
565. I returned home only
to find my wife lying there...Copy !req
566. with a faraway look.Copy !req
567. I noticed an open window,Copy !req
568. and out of it I saw our man
running through the parking lot.Copy !req
569. I would've chased after him,
but I was too sore.Copy !req
570. From the training.Copy !req
571. - Of course, the training.Copy !req
572. Right. After that, I discovered
there were others like me,Copy !req
573. and I formed this group.Copy !req
574. The point is,Copy !req
575. we may not know his name,
but we're onto him.Copy !req
576. And one day, he'll slip up.Copy !req
577. And when he does, we're gonna
be there to nail him...Copy !req
578. and cut his balls off!Copy !req
579. - Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.Copy !req
580. Maybe we won't
actually go that far.Copy !req
581. That's yucky.Copy !req
582. Well, you don't have to wait
for him to slip up.Copy !req
583. He already has.Copy !req
584. 'Cause when he ran
out of my apartment-Copy !req
585. Look!
He's a circus clown!Copy !req
586. Yeah, we already know
about the clothes.Copy !req
587. He runs out of all
of our houses bare-assed, you know.Copy !req
588. The clothes really
haven't given us anything.Copy !req
589. What?Copy !req
590. Damn it!Copy !req
591. I mean, there must be some way
to catch this woman's dude.Copy !req
592. Gentlemen,Copy !req
593. - prepare for battle.Copy !req
594. Listen up, everybody.
This will be...Copy !req
595. our general area
of our search, okay?Copy !req
596. Now, years ago
I was in the army,Copy !req
597. and we spent a lot of time
in this area here.Copy !req
598. The army, they called it Asia,Copy !req
599. but I like to call it
Freaky-Deeky Sex World.Copy !req
600. Scrap Iron, you're my man.Copy !req
601. This will be your area.
I suggest that...Copy !req
602. you stick to the back streets
and the whorehouses.Copy !req
603. - I'm right on it.
- Good'.Copy !req
604. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Scrap, wait a minute. Leon.Copy !req
605. This postmark is from Chicago.Copy !req
606. - Hey.
- Let me see that, Lester.Copy !req
607. If the lady lives right here
in Chicago, that ought to be easy.Copy !req
608. I mean, you could find all the women
you been with in town, right?Copy !req
609. That's a very good question,
Candy. Yes, I can,Copy !req
610. because I have written the names of all
of my very special sweet ladies down...Copy !req
611. in this, my black book.Copy !req
612. - Look at that thing.
- And in addition to that,Copy !req
613. I have made these photocopies
for you all to take a look at.Copy !req
614. - That's for you, Lester.
- You have any idea who this woman is?Copy !req
615. Yes, I do, because
when I read this letter...Copy !req
616. I hear a voice
that I connect to a face.Copy !req
617. And because I have
what is called 20-20 memory,Copy !req
618. that tells me that this is
my very special Sweet Thing.Copy !req
619. Leon Phelps.Copy !req
620. - You miserable, fatheaded jackass.
- Theresa!Copy !req
621. What the hell are you doing here?
I hoped you were dead.Copy !req
622. No, I'm not dead. Surprise.Copy !req
623. - Ew!
- What?Copy !req
624. You expect me to let you stick your
tongue in my mouth after two years?Copy !req
625. Yes, I do.
Ooh, Courvoisier.Copy !req
626. Let's have a drink.
Come on in, baby.Copy !req
627. This is nice.Copy !req
628. Leon, why haven't
you called me?Copy !req
629. This is the thing. They kept changing
all those collect call phone numbers,Copy !req
630. so it became really difficult
for me to use the telephone.Copy !req
631. - Shut it up. I can't believe this.
- Okay.Copy !req
632. I meet you under the stands at a dog
track. You sweet-talk me into leaving.Copy !req
633. Next thing, I'm busting slobs with you
in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.Copy !req
634. You called me
your sweet thing.Copy !req
635. Wait a second. It says here
we did it in a Laundromat.Copy !req
636. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
637. Didn't you send me a note about getting
together and sharing your money, love?Copy !req
638. Mistakes
are sometimes funny.Copy !req
639. Listen, I could really
use that drink now.Copy !req
640. All right, that's nice.
I got everything but the glass.Copy !req
641. - Rot in hell, Leon.
- Yes, I heard you the first time.Copy !req
642. No, no, no, no, no.
I hope you burn in hell.Copy !req
643. - Yes, duly noted.
- Rotting and burning.Copy !req
644. - Yes, in hell. I got you.
- Your mother looks like Florida Evans!Copy !req
645. Listen, there's no reason
to go there.Copy !req
646. You mud duck!
Quack on.Copy !req
647. Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon.
What's happening?Copy !req
648. - Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon.
- Hi.Copy !req
649. How you doing?
Good to see you.Copy !req
650. I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, I know you gotta go.Copy !req
651. - Listen, did you write this letter?
- What?Copy !req
652. No? Okay. Go on up there.
Have a good time tonight.Copy !req
653. Play some AI Green and smack her
on the ass. She likes that.Copy !req
654. Hey. How you doin'?Copy !req
655. Hey, what's happening, Evelyn?
I remember-Copy !req
656. That was not a good idea.Copy !req
657. What's happening, Chicago?Copy !req
658. Ladies, if you are rich
and I boned you,Copy !req
659. could you please meet me
at the nacho cart?Copy !req
660. Also, if you are rich
and you want to be boned,Copy !req
661. would you please meet me
at the nacho cart?Copy !req
662. - Hey, Lester.
- I stepped in a time machine.Copy !req
663. Look at this place.
This place is disgusting.Copy !req
664. You don't have to stay long.
just long enough to meet Leon.Copy !req
665. I'm telling you,
he's just what your station needs.Copy !req
666. - Leon, this is Cyrus.
- Cyrus Cunningham.Copy !req
667. Yeah, this is the guy
that dumped you.Copy !req
668. You're a lot shorter than I expected.
But the hair and the shoes help out.Copy !req
669. Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said
I would meet your friend, and I have.Copy !req
670. I wasted a lot of my time
in the process.Copy !req
671. Obviously, you haven't grown up much
since our little mistake.Copy !req
672. Look, Cyrus, why don't you
just listen for a second?Copy !req
673. WAMS has done quite well
without the help of rejects...Copy !req
674. and winos and ditsy women who think
they can run with the big boys.Copy !req
675. If you need a temp job, let me know,
okay? Gotta go. Love your place.Copy !req
676. Listen, don't talk
to Julie like that.Copy !req
677. Excuse me.
What was that, little man?Copy !req
678. I said that you don't talk
to Julie like that.Copy !req
679. Don't push up on me
in front of your peeps, okay?Copy !req
680. Don't let the smooth taste fool you.
I'm from the streets.Copy !req
681. Oh, yeah?
Well, I still live in the streets...Copy !req
682. and will occasionally
find myself waking up in the streets.Copy !req
683. That's right.
That's right.Copy !req
684. Gentlemen, there will be
no fighting in this bar.Copy !req
685. All right, fine.
We can take it outside.Copy !req
686. Listen, I'm sorry.
We-We got off on the wrong foot here.Copy !req
687. Um, why don't we just
let bygones be bygones?Copy !req
688. Whatever you say, sugar.
That's fine with me.Copy !req
689. Listen, how about you have a- I'd
like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.Copy !req
690. I don't think so.Copy !req
691. Come on, Johnny Mathis.Copy !req
692. - You said you from the streets.
- Yeah.Copy !req
693. Yeah, well, Julie told me
that while they were datin',Copy !req
694. there were some things that
Cyrus didn't have a taste for.Copy !req
695. - Interesting.
- Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
696. It ain't no thing, all right?
It ain't no thing.Copy !req
697. I was raised on pig's feet.Copy !req
698. I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it.
If this is what you want, fine.Copy !req
699. - This is what you want me to do?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
700. Just to impress you and the rest
of the Sunshine Band, I'll eat it.Copy !req
701. That's fine.Copy !req
702. See? I'll eat it here. Cut it up a
little bit and eat it like that. See?Copy !req
703. There.Copy !req
704. Perhaps you thought I'd recoil
from your bar food, but-Copy !req
705. - You want some pickled eggs?
- I'd love some pickled eggs.Copy !req
706. One pickled dish at a time.
Why are we gonna—Copy !req
707. Okay, I'll stay
for one pickled egg.Copy !req
708. Look, everybody. People
are actually eating the bar food.Copy !req
709. All right, boys, eat up.
The food is free.Copy !req
710. - It disappears.
- Pickled egg you want, you got.Copy !req
711. This ain't the welfare.
This is the good stuffCopy !req
712. - Mmm.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm!Copy !req
713. - Hey, how about some prairie oysters?
- Ooh, prairie oysters!Copy !req
714. - They are really good.
- Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.Copy !req
715. - Look like a chitlin to me.
- Prairie oysters. Mmm!Copy !req
716. Oh, yeah, look at that.
Oh, yeah, it's fresh.Copy !req
717. This is gonna be so good.
I haven't had these since yesterday.Copy !req
718. - Mmm!
- It's an acquired taste.Copy !req
719. Take your time.Copy !req
720. Hmm?
Good, huh?Copy !req
721. - Spicy hog balls.Copy !req
722. Not the hog balls.Copy !req
723. Spicy hog balls.
Where'd you find these?Copy !req
724. Ooh, look at that.
They got two balls.Copy !req
725. And they going right down here.
Mmm! Mmm!Copy !req
726. Oh! Yes, indeed.
Look at them.Copy !req
727. Eat all you want, boys.
Eat all you want.Copy !req
728. Show him how to do it, Leon.Copy !req
729. Mmm!
Mmm, mmm, mmm!Copy !req
730. How you boys doing?Copy !req
731. So, is that it?Copy !req
732. I've eaten more exotic foods
than that.Copy !req
733. - How about a piece de resistance?
- Hmm.Copy !req
734. - Back-bottom gristle lumps.
- Special of the house.Copy !req
735. Practically nobody eats these.Copy !req
736. - I don't remember those on the menu.
- Oh, these are good.Copy !req
737. These are new.
The best!Copy !req
738. - These are mine.
- No, no, no. No way. No way!Copy !req
739. - They're mine.
- Get the hell off of them!Copy !req
740. Jeez!Copy !req
741. Don't be fighting
over gristle lumps. Come on, now.Copy !req
742. There you go, now. That's a nice one.
That's a nice one.Copy !req
743. - just some gristle lumps.
- Gristle lump you want, you got.Copy !req
744. - I got your gristle lump.Copy !req
745. - Savor the flavor.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
746. Got some hot sauce to go with that too.Copy !req
747. - Mmm. I did it.
- That's right. You sure did.Copy !req
748. - I did it.
- You did it. I'm proud of you.Copy !req
749. I did it. I did it!Copy !req
750. I've never seen anything
like this in my life.Copy !req
751. - Boy, you just done ate some shit.Copy !req
752. - Some what?
- You just ate some human shit.Copy !req
753. Human shit?
Human shit?Copy !req
754. Why would you
bottle human shit?Copy !req
755. What possible holiday would you
bottle human shit for?Copy !req
756. - Funniest idea yet!
- You people are sick!Copy !req
757. That's the first time
it's ever worked.Copy !req
758. We scored so big.Copy !req
759. You know that that was
our last chance at a steady paycheck.Copy !req
760. - Mm-hmm.
- But I feel good. I feel real good.Copy !req
761. Well, that's good,
because listen, there's no way...Copy !req
762. that I was gonna let that dude
disrespect my Julie twice.Copy !req
763. So, listen, excuse me.Copy !req
764. I will be going to the bathroom
to puke up a hog ball.Copy !req
765. Gentlemen, we've been waiting
for this day for a longtime.Copy !req
766. - This man, this "Ladies Man,"Copy !req
767. thought he could take something
from us, something we hold sacred.Copy !req
768. - Our manhood. Was he successful?
- No!Copy !req
769. No, he was not. Why?
Because we're men among men.Copy !req
770. - That's right! Yeah!
- Super men!Copy !req
771. And from this moment on,
I declare our supreme manliness!Copy !req
772. That's right!Copy !req
773. That's right!Copy !req
774. When we catch him,
we're gonna cut his balls off.Copy !req
775. Going UP-Copy !req
776. His name is Leon Phelps.
I fired him a week ago.Copy !req
777. Say, is that a picture
of him over there?Copy !req
778. Yes. Yes, it is.
That's your man.Copy !req
779. That's, uh-
That's Leon Phelps.Copy !req
780. Leon Phelps.Copy !req
781. Where might we
find this Leon Phelps?Copy !req
782. Oh, you might
try his houseboat,Copy !req
783. or that gin tank
called Lester's Lounge.Copy !req
784. And when you find him, tell him
to come in and pick up this crap.Copy !req
785. - What's this?
- Fan mail...Copy !req
786. from all the sluts he's been banging
for the past couple of years.Copy !req
787. A lot of these
are from my wife.Copy !req
788. - You thought I wrote this?
- Yeah, I did.Copy !req
789. Sorry, Leon. I'm not really
interested in settling down right now.Copy !req
790. - You're on in ten minutes.Copy !req
791. Excuse me.
I'll just be a minute changing.Copy !req
792. This is a nice place. It looks
like you've finally made the big-time.Copy !req
793. Yeah, my work is everything
to me right now.Copy !req
794. That's why I couldn't dream
of settling down.Copy !req
795. In fact, the only thing
that ever compared...Copy !req
796. to the thrill
of my performances...Copy !req
797. were those wild nights
we had together in bed.Copy !req
798. Yeah, we did some pretty
messed-up junk.Copy !req
799. - Hey, Leon.
- Yes?Copy !req
800. I've got a crazy idea.Copy !req
801. I've got a few minutes
before I go on.Copy !req
802. Let's have a quickie
for old time's sake.Copy !req
803. That's not a crazy idea.
I like that idea and I will support it.Copy !req
804. Let's do it like we used to—
real nasty!Copy !req
805. Listen, maybe it's not a good idea.
We don't have the time to do this.Copy !req
806. We'll do it real quick. Come on,
baby. You know what Bloopy likes.Copy !req
807. - Okay, listen, Bloopy?Copy !req
808. I'm about to go on.
I have to stay in character.Copy !req
809. Now, give it to me, you stud.Copy !req
810. - Take it easy there, Bloopy.
- Bloopy's gonna lick you all over.Copy !req
811. Okay, listen.
I don't know.Copy !req
812. Oh, what the hell.Copy !req
813. That's right!Copy !req
814. - Hal, why don't you just-
- Yeah.Copy !req
815. He's not here, guys.Copy !req
816. This stinks.Copy !req
817. So, this is where he lives.Copy !req
818. Well, tasteful.Copy !req
819. Gentlemen,
let's torch it.Copy !req
820. - Hey...
- Let's go!Copy !req
821. We really didn't
think that through.Copy !req
822. That place was full
of pleather and cologne.Copy !req
823. It was quite a thrill,
though, when it went up in flames.Copy !req
824. Ah, gentlemen,
can I help you?Copy !req
825. - A round of beers for my men.
- Yeah!Copy !req
826. - There something else I can help with?
- I think there is. My card.Copy !req
827. We're also looking
for this man.Copy !req
828. His name is Leon Phelps.Copy !req
829. - He also goes by "The Ladies Man. "
- Yeah!Copy !req
830. - You guys friends of his?
- You might say that.Copy !req
831. - We want to kill him.Copy !req
832. Well, he doesn't hang out here.Copy !req
833. What would you want to kill a guy
like that for anyway?Copy !req
834. He's a dangerous thief
of hearts.Copy !req
835. He seduced my wife.
He screwed all our women!Copy !req
836. Yeah!Copy !req
837. - That's why you want to kill Phelps.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
838. Yeah, that's why we wanna kill him.
And we're going to.Copy !req
839. We're going to catch him
and cut off his tiny little pecker.Copy !req
840. - You're not talking about-
- That's him!Copy !req
841. Get him!Copy !req
842. - See you later!
- How does he do it?Copy !req
843. - He's outsmarted us again.
- Lance, his little black book.Copy !req
844. Oh, yes.Copy !req
845. Oh, yes,
this is good.Copy !req
846. This is very good!Copy !req
847. - Why is it very good?
- It's the book of all of his numbers.Copy !req
848. This is not cool.
This is unfair.Copy !req
849. I did not do anything to deserve this.Copy !req
850. My houseboat.
It's my houseboat!Copy !req
851. Why?Copy !req
852. Mm.Copy !req
853. This is how my uncle
taught us to drink tea.Copy !req
854. You put your pinkie up.
Then take it to your lips, like this.Copy !req
855. Julie.
Come on in.Copy !req
856. Your friend Leon
has made some suggestions...Copy !req
857. pertaining to us
and our love life.Copy !req
858. I'm so glad you invited Leon here
to spend this time with us.Copy !req
859. I didn't invite Leon—Copy !req
860. As far as I'm concerned,
he can stay as long as he wants.Copy !req
861. - I'll drink to that.
- I do too.Copy !req
862. If you got some Courvoisier, we could
pour some of that in here too.Copy !req
863. Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?Copy !req
864. Julie, when am I
gonna see your room?Copy !req
865. That's a song
I wrote for you.Copy !req
866. Look, you got your nice
little stuffed animals there.Copy !req
867. And look at that nice poster
of Rick Astley.Copy !req
868. Okay, I told you
this was temporary.Copy !req
869. - You don't have to tease me.
- Yes, I do.Copy !req
870. I'd like to remind you,
young lady,Copy !req
871. about the "trailer park of
the sea'line, my houseboat...Copy !req
872. which I don't
have anymore.Copy !req
873. Oh, man.Copy !req
874. You know something, Julie? I'm
realizing that my life really sucks.Copy !req
875. You know whose fault it is,
don't you?Copy !req
876. It is the fault of the Wang.
I should cut this thing off.Copy !req
877. - You're not gonna cut it off.
- I know.Copy !req
878. That's the craziest thing
I've ever thought of.Copy !req
879. But I just can't live
like this anymore.Copy !req
880. I'm so tired of being
"The Ladies Man."Copy !req
881. You know, you were never
"The Ladies Man" to me.Copy !req
882. - Really?
- Really.Copy !req
883. No, to me you've always been
just plain old Leon Phelps.Copy !req
884. A lonely, misguided...Copy !req
885. idiot.Copy !req
886. You know something Julie? Hmm?Copy !req
887. I think that you
wrote the mystery letter.Copy !req
888. Yeah! Leon,
I've never had sex with you,Copy !req
889. especially not
in a Laundromat.Copy !req
890. Yeah, that is true.Copy !req
891. You know what?Copy !req
892. It would've been really nice
if you had written this letter.Copy !req
893. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
894. You know, a girl like you,
that's what I need.Copy !req
895. I don't need
some crazy mystery lady.Copy !req
896. Well, how could you find
a girl like me?Copy !req
897. Yeah, how can I find
a girl like you?Copy !req
898. She'd have to be single.Copy !req
899. - That would be really nice this time.
- Yeah.Copy !req
900. And she'd
have to be attractive.Copy !req
901. - Yeah, well, you have that.Copy !req
902. She'd have to have parents that
wouldn't throw you off the porch.Copy !req
903. Yeah, that would
be really nice.Copy !req
904. And she'd have to have
known you long enough...Copy !req
905. to finally realize what a wonderful
person you're capable of being.Copy !req
906. Julie, can you
do that again?Copy !req
907. That's it.Copy !req
908. - That is it.
- What? What?Copy !req
909. DeLune.Copy !req
910. DeLune!Copy !req
911. DeLune, DeLune.Copy !req
912. Honey DeLune!Copy !req
913. Sweet Thing
is Honey DeLune!Copy !req
914. That is it!Copy !req
915. Oh, my God!Copy !req
916. I am rich!Copy !req
917. Look out, Chicago!
The Ladies Man is back!Copy !req
918. Yes!Copy !req
919. Well, there
goes Leon Phelps, chasing his dream.Copy !req
920. But here's a funny thing
about running after a dream—Copy !req
921. sometimes what you were dreaming
about was in front of you all along.Copy !req
922. Lester, could you just shut up and
give me the number for Honey DeLune?Copy !req
923. Right.Copy !req
924. Just thought you could
use a little advice.Copy !req
925. Okay.Copy !req
926. 5, 9—Copy !req
927. - Hello?
- Guess who, Sweet Thing!Copy !req
928. - Leon? Leon Phelps?Copy !req
929. That's right, baby.
It's your Laundromat love machine.Copy !req
930. Oh, my God! It is!Copy !req
931. - So you got my letter, right?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
932. Oh, when so much time
went by, I thought...Copy !req
933. maybe you didn't want
to have anything to do with me.Copy !req
934. - I guess that was silly, huh?
- Yes, it was.Copy !req
935. - It was downright stupid, baby.Copy !req
936. Ever since
we last saw each other,Copy !req
937. - I have had this aching in my soul.
- Oh, you did?Copy !req
938. Yeah. How about I come over there and
go to town on your money and your ass?Copy !req
939. Oh! Heh-heh!Copy !req
940. Oh, uh, Leon, you're gonna have
to give me a little bit of time.Copy !req
941. - What the hell for?
- To tie up some loose ends.Copy !req
942. Baby, I want to leave my whole life
behind and run away with you.Copy !req
943. How does a trip around the world
sound for starters?Copy !req
944. - Are you paying for it?
- Of course.Copy !req
945. - Well, that sounds good.
- Wonderful.Copy !req
946. Um, come by and pick me up
tomorrow night. Okay?Copy !req
947. All right. Sure, Sweet Thing.
Ha ha!Copy !req
948. - You talking on the phone just now?
- No, sweetheart.Copy !req
949. Good.Copy !req
950. - Nice try, my friend.
- Hello, Mrs. DeLune.Copy !req
951. Hi, Brian.Copy !req
952. Here comes the pterodactyl.
Hope you like it.Copy !req
953. - Yo!
- What's up, Aloysius?Copy !req
954. - My main man!
- I need some new stuff.Copy !req
955. - Man, I got you covered, baby.
- This is all right.Copy !req
956. - This is the darkest brown you got?
- Yeah.Copy !req
957. - German chocolate. Can't get no deeper.
- Yeah. Aloysius...Copy !req
958. - I think you got a deal.
- Yeah. Mm!Copy !req
959. Mm!Copy !req
960. - Hey, Leon!
- Yeah, that's right. It's me.Copy !req
961. Hey, there, Leon!Copy !req
962. - You like that?
- I don't believe this.Copy !req
963. Custom-made, $100.Copy !req
964. - You look like Monkey D.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
965. I just got off the phone
with my Sweet Thing.Copy !req
966. She is gonna take me
on a trip around the world.Copy !req
967. Wow! Where you gonna go, Leon?Copy !req
968. Well, basically,
around the world, you know.Copy !req
969. We'll go to Paris, of course.
We might go to France.Copy !req
970. Acapulco, Sweden,
maybe the Solomon Islands.Copy !req
971. - You know.
- Well, Leon, you finally made good.Copy !req
972. That's the way I like
to look at it, you know.Copy !req
973. When a man works hard
all his life...Copy !req
974. and dorks hundreds of ladies,
many of whom he don't even remember,Copy !req
975. you'd like to think that
at the end of the day...Copy !req
976. he'll be given a lot of money
without having to earn it.Copy !req
977. I believe that, yes.Copy !req
978. So, yes, I think I have found
true happiness. And I raise my glass.Copy !req
979. - To happiness.
- To happiness.Copy !req
980. - Happiness!
- Thank you.Copy !req
981. Mmm!Copy !req
982. That is good Courvoisier.Copy !req
983. I would love to stay and have
another one, like I usually do,Copy !req
984. but I cannot keep the future
Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.Copy !req
985. So I bid you adieu. See you
on the other side of the tracks.Copy !req
986. - Take care of yourself.
- All right, Scrap.Copy !req
987. Julie,
you made it just in time.Copy !req
988. I'm on my way to see
the girl of my dreams.Copy !req
989. Yeah. Now, that's
what I'm talkin' about.Copy !req
990. Leon Phelps.Copy !req
991. - Damn!
- Baby, what happened to your face?Copy !req
992. This is nothin'. It's just one
of those Biore patches, that's all.Copy !req
993. Sorry about that.
I brought you some flowers.Copy !req
994. They look and feel plastic,
but they smell real.Copy !req
995. And also I bought you a box
of my favorite Mexican wine.Copy !req
996. - It's a little heavy.Copy !req
997. Well, you've always
been so... giving.Copy !req
998. - Mm.
- Why don't you come on in?Copy !req
999. I will. This is my house,
after all. Right?Copy !req
1000. I mean, this is my statue,
and this is my carpet.Copy !req
1001. This is my mirror.Copy !req
1002. That's my urn.Copy !req
1003. And that is my frieze.Copy !req
1004. Why don't you go have a seat in the
living room, and I'll fix you a drink.Copy !req
1005. Yeah, that sounds good.Copy !req
1006. Let me see if
I remember- Cour-Copy !req
1007. Courvoisier, yes.
That is the drink.Copy !req
1008. Yeah. This is a nice place
you got here.Copy !req
1009. It's no houseboat,
but it's nice.Copy !req
1010. Can we sell it?
just kiddin'.Copy !req
1011. My God, this is a butt-load
of cash you got here.Copy !req
1012. - Is this ours?
- Well, it's ours now.Copy !req
1013. Well, that's nice, but you should
put that in a safer place,Copy !req
1014. like a bank or somethin'.Copy !req
1015. Stop talking.Copy !req
1016. - I want you to take me, wild man.
- Now?Copy !req
1017. Yes, now. My husband
won't be back for hours.Copy !req
1018. - Your husband.
- Yeah. It's no big deal.Copy !req
1019. You might have to kill him,
but I don't think it'll come to that.Copy !req
1020. You better be sure it's safe, because
I can guarantee if it was not safe...Copy !req
1021. I would never do something
of this nature.Copy !req
1022. Because over the years
I have learned to not do...Copy !req
1023. - unsafe things, you understand.Copy !req
1024. - Because-
- Shut up and kiss me.Copy !req
1025. Okay, listen,
this is very nice, but-Copy !req
1026. Listen,
this is not cool.Copy !req
1027. Why don't we talk first?
We never get to really- Whoa!Copy !req
1028. - We're never gonna catch this guy.
- Calm down, Barney.Copy !req
1029. You've gotta take that
defeatist attitude and subdue it.Copy !req
1030. Wrestle it to the ground.Copy !req
1031. Pin its-its
well-oiled and...Copy !req
1032. musky form down hard.Copy !req
1033. Let it feel your-your...Copy !req
1034. soft breath on-
on the back of its neck.Copy !req
1035. I mean-
You know what I'm...Copy !req
1036. trying to get at.Copy !req
1037. - Oh, yeah. Oh, sure.
- You bet.Copy !req
1038. - Yes! Yes! Yes!
- No, no. No.Copy !req
1039. - Listen, I can't do it.
- What?Copy !req
1040. - I can't do it. It's not workin'.
- It looks fine.Copy !req
1041. Oh, no, that is workin'.
Yeah.Copy !req
1042. But I can't do it.
Somethin' is wrong.Copy !req
1043. You see, I—Copy !req
1044. I know I'm in control
of my personal world.Copy !req
1045. - Nothing will ever violate my—Copy !req
1046. my personal space.Copy !req
1047. That's for sure.
Whoops. Butterfingers.Copy !req
1048. Let me just grab these keys,
and we'll be right inside.Copy !req
1049. Something is wrong.
I can't do this.Copy !req
1050. - You know, I think that I'm in love.
- What?Copy !req
1051. Yeah. When you sent that letter,
all I could think about was the money.Copy !req
1052. But then when we started to do it, all
I could think about was Julie's face.Copy !req
1053. I don't mean like thinkin' about some
hot chick when you're bonin' a skank.Copy !req
1054. - This was sensitive.Copy !req
1055. Gentlemen, please step into
the serenity...Copy !req
1056. of my beautiful foyer.Copy !req
1057. - All right.
- All right.Copy !req
1058. Listen- Listen, Honey,
I don't think this is a good idea.Copy !req
1059. - I'm telling you—
- Remember how—Copy !req
1060. Yeah, I know—
Gettin' it together.Copy !req
1061. Hi, sweetheart.
Have you met Leon Phelps?Copy !req
1062. - Yeah, what's happenin'?Copy !req
1063. - Son of a bitch!
- Don't say "son of a bitch."Copy !req
1064. That's not nice.
What's wrong with you fellas?Copy !req
1065. - Oh, my God!Copy !req
1066. - My wife had that?
- Yeah, she did.Copy !req
1067. - I can understand you bein' angry,Copy !req
1068. but you can't bl ame
the Wang.Copy !req
1069. - Well, he's got a point.
- I mean, that's a beauty.Copy !req
1070. Kill him!Copy !req
1071. - Yeah!
- Yeah! No!Copy !req
1072. Yeah, you heard what he said.
No!Copy !req
1073. I've waited longer for this
than anyone.Copy !req
1074. Gentlemen... he's mine.Copy !req
1075. - And he's dead.
- Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
1076. Talk to her, Lord.
Please talk to her.Copy !req
1077. I told you
we were a lot alike.Copy !req
1078. It's all right, baby.
Men are pigs.Copy !req
1079. The only way to deal with them
is booze.Copy !req
1080. Booze... and penicillin.Copy !req
1081. I swear, I never thought
I could be taken in again...Copy !req
1082. by another insincere man.Copy !req
1083. Easy. Easy, girl. That's one
rambunctious guzzle you got there.Copy !req
1084. I drank that one
for Leon's one true love.Copy !req
1085. Rot in hell,
Honey DeLune.Copy !req
1086. In hell!Copy !req
1087. Did you say that woman's name
was Honey DeLune?Copy !req
1088. That's what she said.Copy !req
1089. If that's her name,
Leon is in a whole lot of trouble.Copy !req
1090. Why is that?Copy !req
1091. That's the wife of the dude
who wants to kill Leon.Copy !req
1092. - Somebody wants to kill Leon?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1093. - My Leon?
- Yup.Copy !req
1094. Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!Copy !req
1095. Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!Copy !req
1096. Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!Copy !req
1097. Lance! Lance!
Lance! Lance!Copy !req
1098. - Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!
- I am going to wrestle you.Copy !req
1099. You really don't
have to do this.Copy !req
1100. I was just saying to your wife Honey
that I'm a changed man.Copy !req
1101. And if I can have the self-control
to not bone a lady as fine as she is-Copy !req
1102. She can do that amazing thing
with her tongue—Copy !req
1103. that should be reason enough
to let me go.Copy !req
1104. Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!Copy !req
1105. Oh, yes.
I'm going to enjoy this.Copy !req
1106. - Oil?Copy !req
1107. - No, that's all right.
- Oh.Copy !req
1108. Well, I- I'm still
going to enjoy this.Copy !req
1109. But definitely not as much.
And that makes me angry.Copy !req
1110. - I am a master of Greco-Roman wrestling.
Yeah!Copy !req
1111. I will crush you,Copy !req
1112. and you will learn
a new definition of pain!Copy !req
1113. - Totally! Yeah!
- All right!Copy !req
1114. Sure you don't want a dab? It's
a lemon essence, and it is delightful.Copy !req
1115. - Mm.
- Ah—Copy !req
1116. You'd better take the oil, Leon.
It's pretty rough without the oil.Copy !req
1117. - No, that's all right. I'm good.
- Okay. Suit yourself.Copy !req
1118. And Lance, dear,
can you kick ass quietly?Copy !req
1119. 10-4, apricot.Copy !req
1120. Now, Leon Phelps,
prepare to meet your doom.Copy !req
1121. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1122. Cry havoc,
and set free the dogs of war!Copy !req
1123. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1124. Vengeance is mine!
Aa-aah!Copy !req
1125. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
1126. Ooh!Copy !req
1127. - O-O-Ohh!Copy !req
1128. - Ow! You punched me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1129. That is not wrestling!
Hello!Copy !req
1130. Boss, you want us
to let him go now, or-Copy !req
1131. - He's got a gun!
- What, are you crazy, round boy?Copy !req
1132. No, we don't let him go!
Get back in there!Copy !req
1133. This guys ruined my life!Copy !req
1134. Get me the bolt cutters.Copy !req
1135. - This man has stolen our manhood
- Cuckoo!Copy !req
1136. It's time to take it back.Copy !req
1137. - Cut his balls off!
- Wait a second!Copy !req
1138. - Aarrgh!
- Before you do what you're about to do,Copy !req
1139. there's something
I want to say, all right?Copy !req
1140. Now listen. All you men
here with wives or girlfriends...Copy !req
1141. or sisters or mothers,Copy !req
1142. yes, I did sex them up
a little bit.Copy !req
1143. - Kill him!
- There's something else I wanna say.Copy !req
1144. In most cases,
it was really good.Copy !req
1145. - Kill!
- No, hold on!Copy !req
1146. I didn't force myself
onto your women.Copy !req
1147. I simply gave them somethin'
that you all wasn't givin' them.Copy !req
1148. - Like Frank. You, for instance.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1149. - Your wife, she loves you, man.
- She does?Copy !req
1150. Yes. She always used to call your name
when I was rockin' on top of her.Copy !req
1151. - She did?
- Yeah. And Hal.Copy !req
1152. - Me?
- Hal, Hal, Hal.Copy !req
1153. All your old lady ever wanted was you
to spend time gettin' her in the mood.Copy !req
1154. - Really?
- Yeah. And you never did, did you?Copy !req
1155. - Say it loud.
- No.Copy !req
1156. You see?Copy !req
1157. And Lance.
Well, Lance, you're clearly gay.Copy !req
1158. There's nothing really else to say
about that. I think you all know that.Copy !req
1159. That's cool. But you were tryin' to
oil me up, and that's not really cool.Copy !req
1160. You all need to listen
to your ladies.Copy !req
1161. You need to say to her, "Baby,
what is it that you want?"Copy !req
1162. Or, "Do you want
to do it in the butt?Copy !req
1163. No? Well, let's move onto somethin'
else."You just need to listen.Copy !req
1164. I know that now, because I,
too, have a woman that I love.Copy !req
1165. Her name is Julie,
and I never listened to her.Copy !req
1166. I was too busy trying to be
"Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man,"Copy !req
1167. instead of Leon Phelps,
the man.Copy !req
1168. - Leon—
- just a second, Julie, I got-Julie!Copy !req
1169. That was beautiful.Copy !req
1170. You're not getting off
the hook this time.Copy !req
1171. - No, Lance, no!
- Lance, Lance.Copy !req
1172. Nuts!
Al's right.Copy !req
1173. - Hey, hey! Watch it!
- He's not the problem.Copy !req
1174. l-I'm the problem.Copy !req
1175. Look what it's done to us.Copy !req
1176. - It's turned us crazy!
- Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
1177. I'm sorry, Lance.
I'm going home.Copy !req
1178. No-o-o!Copy !req
1179. No!Copy !req
1180. Lance!Copy !req
1181. Lance!Copy !req
1182. Lance!Copy !req
1183. - I'm sorry. That was way too dramatic.Copy !req
1184. I'm actually with these guys.
You're all right in my book.Copy !req
1185. - See you later.
- Take care.Copy !req
1186. Well, there goes Leon Phelps.Copy !req
1187. His days as the fastest and loosest Wang
in town may be over,Copy !req
1188. but it's not the end
of his story by along shot.Copy !req
1189. In fact, he got—Copy !req
1190. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
1191. - Let's go.
- Yes. Let's.Copy !req
1192. In fact, Leon got his show back.Copy !req
1193. His popularity grew and grew until he
was one of the biggest deejays in town.Copy !req
1194. His face appeared on the nation's
most popular brand of hog balls.Copy !req
1195. Ladies Man became America's
number-one radio talk show.Copy !req
1196. Your husband is a little insecure
because he's retirin', that's all.Copy !req
1197. Don't worry. It's a passing thing.
Okay, Hillary?Copy !req
1198. Now, I will see you and Bill
this weekend. Okay? Bye-bye.Copy !req
1199. You're listening to The Ladies Man,
the coast-to-coast love line...Copy !req
1200. with all the right responses
to your romantic queries.Copy !req
1201. And I think we got time
for one more call.Copy !req
1202. - Hello? Ladies Man?
- Hey, it's a lady.Copy !req
1203. How do you know when you're really,
truly in love?Copy !req
1204. That's a good question.Copy !req
1205. I can tell you how I felt
when I knew I was truly in love.Copy !req
1206. It happened when
I met someone...Copy !req
1207. that made everything
that I enjoy in life...Copy !req
1208. a little bit
more special.Copy !req
1209. Plus, I felt it
in my pants.Copy !req
1210. Well. That is
all the time we have.Copy !req
1211. Until next time,
this has been The Ladies Man.Copy !req
1212. Oo-oo-oohCopy !req