1. I promised that I would tell you...Copy !req
2. why I never eat fish.Copy !req
3. When we all moved in
to my grandfather's house, it...Copy !req
4. somehow fell to me...Copy !req
5. to keep the old man's mind off of things.Copy !req
6. We would play casino
over an old card table.Copy !req
7. He never let me win.Copy !req
8. One time he put one
of those tiny model trains...Copy !req
9. into my hamburger.Copy !req
10. He was a practical joker.Copy !req
11. I broke my tooth on it.Copy !req
12. On Friday evenings
we had fish at our house.Copy !req
13. Every Friday.Copy !req
14. Not on religious grounds...Copy !req
15. but because Grandpa was a fish enthusiast.Copy !req
16. "Keeps you from going blind,"
he would say...Copy !req
17. even though the bones
always got caught in his throat.Copy !req
18. My brother and I would sit
next to one another...Copy !req
19. waiting for his terrible coughing to begin.Copy !req
20. Then one of us would be
dispatched to the kitchen...Copy !req
21. to get a flat heel of bread
to clear the bones.Copy !req
22. He'd gulp it down, and slowly
his coughing would diminish...Copy !req
23. and then everything would be quiet again...Copy !req
24. and we would go on with the meal
as though nothing had happened.Copy !req
25. One Friday my parents went out...Copy !req
26. leaving my brother and I alone...Copy !req
27. to serve ourselves and Grandfather.Copy !req
28. Mom left the fish warming on the stove -Copy !req
29. breaded sole.Copy !req
30. The bread crumbs only helped
to conceal the bones.Copy !req
31. When the inevitable coughing began...Copy !req
32. my brother and I just sat...Copy !req
33. and looked at each other...Copy !req
34. not moving.Copy !req
35. Grandfather's eyes got wide.Copy !req
36. His face became contorted and red...Copy !req
37. his arms flailing about.Copy !req
38. I raced to the kitchen and back...Copy !req
39. with a flat heel of pumpernickel.Copy !req
40. Grandfather reached out for it
convulsively...Copy !req
41. but...Copy !req
42. l...Copy !req
43. handed it to my brother instead...Copy !req
44. and... he...Copy !req
45. back to me.Copy !req
46. Grandfather pitched...Copy !req
47. face forward onto the dining room table
and then... back...Copy !req
48. knocking his chair over...Copy !req
49. pulling the tablecloth...Copy !req
50. silverware, mashed potatoes...Copy !req
51. fish, stewed tomatoes
with peppers and onions -Copy !req
52. all of it -Copy !req
53. on top of him.Copy !req
54. Heaped on the floor...Copy !req
55. behind the table, he...Copy !req
56. looked like the... remains...Copy !req
57. of some chaotic dinner party.Copy !req
58. My brother took the incriminating
pumpernickel from my hand...Copy !req
59. and, uh -Copy !req
60. - stuck it...Copy !req
61. into Grandpa's fingers.Copy !req
62. I think at that moment...Copy !req
63. my brother and l
became accomplices forever.Copy !req
64. "Don't ever say a word about this," he said.Copy !req
65. "Just go to bed and pretend...Copy !req
66. that you're asleep."Copy !req
67. The next morning...Copy !req
68. my parents explained to me that, uh...Copy !req
69. Grandpa had gone away on business...Copy !req
70. and had left me a very special...Copy !req
71. kiss good-bye.Copy !req
72. I'm sorry, Dave.
The guy said it was an emergency.Copy !req
73. I don't care what the story is.
I'm on the air.Copy !req
74. Anything you say. I'm sorry.Copy !req
75. Let's hear our theme
all the way through tonight.Copy !req
76. Until Wednesday, then,
this has been Etcetera...Copy !req
77. and I have been your host,
David Staebler.Copy !req
78. - Eight minutes of theme?
- Who called?Copy !req
79. I don't know. He said he'd call back.Copy !req
80. I'm gonna tape at home for Wednesday.Copy !req
81. Maybe for from now on.Copy !req
82. Blinking lights, urgent telephone calls.Copy !req
83. I'll mail you the cassette.Copy !req
84. Hey, Dave, you know
nothing gets past me when you're live.Copy !req
85. The guy said it was an emergency.Copy !req
86. There is no emergency
can't wait till I've signed off.Copy !req
87. Yeah, I know. I know.Copy !req
88. - What's the difference?
- I know.Copy !req
89. If you don't mind hanging around,
I'll buy you coffee.Copy !req
90. I've got another appointment.
Some other time, okay?Copy !req
91. Okay, Dave.Copy !req
92. Frank.Copy !req
93. It's not your fault. Sorry.Copy !req
94. Hey, Dave!
Are you comin' in Wednesday?Copy !req
95. Are you gonna mail in the show or what?Copy !req
96. Next! Ho!Copy !req
97. And up and down.Copy !req
98. Down, down, up and down.Copy !req
99. Two, three, and bring it back.Copy !req
100. helps strengthen the arch and our butt.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]Copy !req
101. Ready. And up. Down.Copy !req
102. There are 39 stations to choose from -
A.M. and F.M. -Copy !req
103. plus television.Copy !req
104. If you don't like my stories,
you don't have to listen to my program.Copy !req
105. Jason called.Copy !req
106. Person to person, after midnight.Copy !req
107. I gave the operator
your number at the station.Copy !req
108. Well, he didn't get through.Copy !req
109. Oh, he'll get through.Copy !req
110. He'll get through.Copy !req
111. Bend up and down.Copy !req
112. And I never stuck a model train
in your hamburger.Copy !req
113. It was a cricket from a Cracker Jack box.Copy !req
114. Up and bounce, bounce.Copy !req
115. What's going on?Copy !req
116. - It's your brother again.
- Jason?Copy !req
117. - He made me wake you.Copy !req
118. - What's he want?
- He says, uh -Copy !req
119. He made me write it down.Copy !req
120. Let me see it.Copy !req
121. "Get your" -
What's it say?Copy !req
122. It says, "Get your ass down here fast.
Our kingdom has come."Copy !req
123. Where's he calling -
Geez, I got pins and needles.Copy !req
124. - Where's he calling from?
- Oh, blood's not circulating.Copy !req
125. - Jersey.
- Jersey.Copy !req
126. - Down at the shore.
- Okay.Copy !req
127. What time is it?Copy !req
128. Let me see.Copy !req
129. - 1:30.
- Damn it.Copy !req
130. You woke me up, Jason.Copy !req
131. Train arriving
from Philadelphia, track one.Copy !req
132. Train arriving from Philadelphia,
track one.Copy !req
133. Welcome, Davey!Copy !req
134. We're not really ready yet.Copy !req
135. I mean, it was supposed
to be a whole lot better, you know...Copy !req
136. but things don't always work out
as you plan, right?Copy !req
137. And if you love Jason -Copy !req
138. I'm Sally.Copy !req
139. I would tell you that I've
heard so much about you...Copy !req
140. but I absolutely detest clichés.Copy !req
141. Listen, I would like to see my brother.Copy !req
142. I'm sure you can understand, I'm -Copy !req
143. Oh, Davey, he was supposed to be here.Copy !req
144. David. Okay? I mean, it was nice of you
to come down and everything...Copy !req
145. but, uh, no one's
called me Davey in 10 years.Copy !req
146. Naturally you're irritated.
But is it my fau -Copy !req
147. Oh, just a minute.
They're here. Hold on.Copy !req
148. Fine.
Okay, just this little row.Copy !req
149. Make a straight line.
Okay, you know the song, right?Copy !req
150. You got the song?
Now, on the downbeat, okay?Copy !req
151. Come on, Davey. Jason's waiting.Copy !req
152. That's all, boys.Copy !req
153. You look like a priest in that wardrobe.Copy !req
154. - Hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
155. Come on!
Give me a break here now, huh?Copy !req
156. Same old David, huh?Copy !req
157. You notice how it's Monopoly out there?Copy !req
158. Remember Boardwalk,
Park Place, Marvin Gardens?Copy !req
159. - Go directly to jail?
- Well, that's me.Copy !req
160. Don't pass go, don't collect $200.Copy !req
161. Jason, is there something I should do?Copy !req
162. Yeah.Copy !req
163. Give me your pen.Copy !req
164. I'm gonna give you an address.Copy !req
165. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Come on, now!Copy !req
166. Give me a break!Copy !req
167. My brother's in town! All right. Wow.Copy !req
168. I'm giving you an address here.Copy !req
169. It's about a five
or a 10-minute jitney ride.Copy !req
170. When you get there,
ask for a man named Lewis.Copy !req
171. - Lewis.
- Right.Copy !req
172. Tell him you're my brother, and I want
my ass out of here before sundown.Copy !req
173. Nothin' on the record.Copy !req
174. And be... polite.Copy !req
175. Then meet me on the boardwalk.Copy !req
176. Take in the sights, look around.
I'll find you. Hmm?Copy !req
177. - Go around the other way.
- I'm Jason's brother.Copy !req
178. I said, go around the back.Copy !req
179. What can we do for ya?Copy !req
180. Jason said, uh,
that I should only talk to Lewis.Copy !req
181. - if that's okay.Copy !req
182. - Have a seat in here anywhere.
- Thank you.Copy !req
183. Listen, you don't have to push people.Copy !req
184. - Well, can you think of more to service you now?Copy !req
185. You know I'm goin' to up and do it for ya.
That's what I'm like.Copy !req
186. Well, I just wanted to tell you
how much I appreciate -Copy !req
187. Well, how 'bout you just consider
us appreciated... up the ass.Copy !req
188. - Yeah, well, you know, man,
I don't like to make trouble -
- You're not in trouble with me.Copy !req
189. - I'm not a troublemaker. I just -
- Yeah, I understand.Copy !req
190. - I just want to say thank you.
- Okay. I understand.Copy !req
191. Thank you. I really mean that.Copy !req
192. I don't need thanks,
and I don't want no thanks!Copy !req
193. Thanks.Copy !req
194. You see,
I'm a generous sort of a gentleman.Copy !req
195. What's the message?Copy !req
196. Well, Jason said
that I should only talk to Lewis.Copy !req
197. Gettin' to Lewis is known
to entail additional waiting time.Copy !req
198. Well, Jason said that if Lewis knows -Copy !req
199. Right there, my boy,
is an accurate summarization.Copy !req
200. Jason says and Lewis knows.Copy !req
201. Jason says and Lewis knows.Copy !req
202. You want to change seats,
though, go right ahead.Copy !req
203. Jason says and Lewis -Copy !req
204. - [ Man Speaking, Indistinct ]Copy !req
205. - Wave your hands!Copy !req
206. Gertrude, wait for me!Copy !req
207. Wait! Wait for me, Gertrude!Copy !req
208. Wait for me!Copy !req
209. Well, you already met Sally. Jessica.Copy !req
210. Jessica!Copy !req
211. This is David.Copy !req
212. Hi.Copy !req
213. Hello.Copy !req
214. There it is, Davey.Copy !req
215. It's supposed to be the oldest and finest
accommodations on the boardwalk.Copy !req
216. Come on, darlin'. Come on, Jess.Copy !req
217. Woodrow Wilson used to stay here.
Did you know that?Copy !req
218. Did you know he used to live
up there in Princeton?Copy !req
219. Anyway, the island's called Tiki.Copy !req
220. It's just seven miles
off the coast of Honolulu.Copy !req
221. It's the most fantastic place
I ever saw in my life. Sally?Copy !req
222. - Yes, dear?
- Did you remember to pick up
that mail this morning?Copy !req
223. I sent Jessie for it.Copy !req
224. Jesus, it's really gonna be good
to talk island again.Copy !req
225. Do you know that we haven't
talked island in years?Copy !req
226. We haven't talked anything in years.Copy !req
227. Well, I know,
but that's what I'm tryin' to get here...Copy !req
228. is the Staebler Brothers' renaissance.Copy !req
229. I didn't forget, David.Copy !req
230. - How are you tonight?
- Très bien, monsieur.Copy !req
231. - Oh.Copy !req
232. Sally, you know, we're not
paying electricity here.Copy !req
233. - You can leave some lights burning.
- I did, Jason.Copy !req
234. - The bulbs must have blown.
- The last time we had candles.Copy !req
235. - How's about some candles?
- Yeah!Copy !req
236. - Isn't this romantic?
- Yeah, I love it.Copy !req
237. I'm for gettin' violins up here.Copy !req
238. Maybe it's the fuse.
I'll call downstairs.Copy !req
239. May I talk to Mr. Seymour, please?Copy !req
240. - Hey, Sal, bring one of those candles in here.
- Okay.Copy !req
241. - I can't see to piss.Copy !req
242. Mr. Seymour,
this is Jason Staebler's secretary.Copy !req
243. We have no lights in 914.Copy !req
244. Would you?Copy !req
245. - Please, as soon as possible.
- No, no, no "soon as possible."Copy !req
246. Tell the man I want these lights
10 minutes ago!Copy !req
247. Thank you very much.Copy !req
248. Blowout.Copy !req
249. Black Horse Pike,
right outside Absecon.Copy !req
250. This lady, Lucy - real upset...Copy !req
251. because she's afraid that
somebody's gonna find us together.Copy !req
252. I got nothin' with Lucy.Copy !req
253. I don't have the key to Shirley's trunk.Copy !req
254. I drive her car all the time,
whenever I want to go someplace...Copy !req
255. but I never needed
to get into her trunk before.Copy !req
256. Now, I'm lookin' around.Copy !req
257. Crowbar I find on the floor - backseat.Copy !req
258. Pull it out, go outside the car...Copy !req
259. and I'm tryin' to...
pry open her trunk.Copy !req
260. All of a sudden,
headlights I'm gettin', right here.Copy !req
261. Cops.Copy !req
262. I got to admit, let's face it, I look a little
suspicious with a crowbar in my hand...Copy !req
263. tryin' to pry open her trunk, not to mention
I got a goddamn woman here - Lucy -Copy !req
264. in the front seat tryin' to hide herself
underneath the dashboard.Copy !req
265. Now I got a cop comin' around...Copy !req
266. with a big flashlight here,
lookin' in the trunk.Copy !req
267. What have we got there,
behind the spare?Copy !req
268. A Kleenex box filled with Swiss watches.Copy !req
269. And this bitch, Shirley...Copy !req
270. she's reported that her car
has been stolen.Copy !req
271. Now, you understand without that...Copy !req
272. what you got at the train station is...
celebrity treatment?Copy !req
273. You mean you'd have been there
to conduct the orchestra.Copy !req
274. I'd have been there.Copy !req
275. Pathetic.Copy !req
276. Half of 'em don't even know
whether they're standin' or sittin'.Copy !req
277. They may wind up sitting on your jury.Copy !req
278. Jury? What are you talking about, jury?Copy !req
279. I'm telling you the whole charge
is a total charade.Copy !req
280. It ain't even gonna get
to the trial stage.Copy !req
281. - It's some lunatic who's out in the street -Copy !req
282. totally confused, tryin' to hang my ass
'cause he's got a grudge.Copy !req
283. We got apologies in the morning.Copy !req
284. - I was in jail one time, you know, in Cincinnati.Copy !req
285. I don't know if you ever heard about that.
I did 60 days.Copy !req
286. You wouldn't know what that was like,
but it was really grim, let me tell you.Copy !req
287. We've all done our time, Jason.Copy !req
288. Isn't she beautiful?Copy !req
289. So beautiful.Copy !req
290. What do you think, David?
Miss America?Copy !req
291. Sure, darlin'. We'll bring her back
next summer as Miss Hawaii.Copy !req
292. How's that? In the meantime,
let us formulate some plans here.Copy !req
293. You notice how it's not on most maps?Copy !req
294. It's just a dot here.Copy !req
295. But it's paradise.Copy !req
296. A kingdom.Copy !req
297. Staebleravia.Copy !req
298. - "Staebleravia"! Ya-hoo.Copy !req
299. I thought it was called Tiki.Copy !req
300. We're gonna get to rename it next month.Copy !req
301. - You can consider that your department.
- Who'd build a resort like this?Copy !req
302. Don Dimbleby.
Have you ever heard of him?Copy !req
303. I call him "Dimblewit."Copy !req
304. You understand, this is a man
who inherited his daddy's entire fortune.Copy !req
305. Then he pours six million clams
into my little island...Copy !req
306. before he bothers to clear
his gambling license.Copy !req
307. Now, in an operation this large...Copy !req
308. the casino is the name of the game.Copy !req
309. I mean, that's where you stand or fall.Copy !req
310. But Dimblewit, now, you see, he thinks
that he can do it without politicians.Copy !req
311. You never can.Copy !req
312. Let's try something new tonight, yes?Copy !req
313. Come here. Let me help you.Copy !req
314. Lewis -
He was the one taught me that.Copy !req
315. Jason? Look, honey.
Which do you like better?Copy !req
316. Up, like this...Copy !req
317. or down?Copy !req
318. If Donald Dimbleby couldn't get
a gambling license, how can you, Jason?Copy !req
319. He could have got one, all right.Copy !req
320. See, he just insulted the wrong people.Copy !req
321. Now, I've done business
with the man, and -Copy !req
322. he's no diplomat.Copy !req
323. And you can run a place this big?Copy !req
324. I don't know.Copy !req
325. And I'm not gonna try and con ya.Copy !req
326. I can only tell you,
for the last 10 years...Copy !req
327. I have been in training for it,
and I got people fighting to back me.Copy !req
328. Goddamn smart money.Copy !req
329. But who the hell knows?Copy !req
330. As to costs...Copy !req
331. I got it worked out so we parcel off
some 10-acre packages on the far side...Copy !req
332. cover our total investment.Copy !req
333. Vacation villas.Copy !req
334. We retain two thirds for free.
How's that?Copy !req
335. My pal Lewis's front money.
He owes me favors.Copy !req
336. I'd cut him in for a piece of the casino.Copy !req
337. That Lewis - he loves to amortize.Copy !req
338. I don't know too much about real estate.Copy !req
339. Well, I just told you
all that you need to know.Copy !req
340. Now tell me, how does it sound?Copy !req
341. Well, it sounds fantastic, Jason.Copy !req
342. But, then, what are you worried about?Copy !req
343. Good night, Davey -
I mean, David.Copy !req
344. - Good night.
- Your job?Copy !req
345. You don't think we got radio in Hawaii?Copy !req
346. Hey, we'll package your show.Copy !req
347. I'll tell you what we can do.Copy !req
348. We can syndicate you to
the whole goddamn English-speaking world.Copy !req
349. You bunk here tonight, okay?Copy !req
350. Tell me what you're so upset about.Copy !req
351. I'll tell you whether or not it's real.Copy !req
352. Frankly, I think what you've got
is an exercise problem.Copy !req
353. Not enough space to run around
up there in Philly, work up a decent sweat.Copy !req
354. Hey, David?Copy !req
355. How's about we change all that?Copy !req
356. Come on.Copy !req
357. Come on. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
358. Come on. Come on!
Sprint! Give me sprint!Copy !req
359. Come on! Loosen up!Copy !req
360. I'll give you goddamn Olympic games!Copy !req
361. Come on! Come on! I'm two goddamn years
older than you and beatin' your butt!Copy !req
362. - Come on, Dave. Are you all right?Copy !req
363. David? Yeah.
Yes, you are. You're terrific.Copy !req
364. - Oh!
- One, two, three, exercise!Copy !req
365. - Throw your arms up!
Come on! Don't puke on me!Copy !req
366. Goddamn it, exercise! You look like
some kind of goddamn penguin!Copy !req
367. Come on. Give me gymnastics!Copy !req
368. Look at this.
Look, we got bimbos comin' for gym class!Copy !req
369. - Bimbos comin' for gym class!
- Jason!Copy !req
370. - Bimbos comin' for gym class!
- Things are a mess again, Jason.Copy !req
371. - Put it in a nutshell, doll.
- It's Sally.Copy !req
372. The nutshell is,
you'd better come right away.Copy !req
373. Talk the manager of the St. James
out of a grim mood.Copy !req
374. Surtees is always in a grim mood.Copy !req
375. - Look, he's already called the police, Jason.
- The police?Copy !req
376. - It's not funny. It's no joke.
- Jesus, what do you mean, the police?Copy !req
377. She knows that I'm
in a delicate situation there.Copy !req
378. Okay. Try not to go off
half-cocked then.Copy !req
379. - Absolutely.
Let's review the situation calmly, darlin'.
- Calm down.Copy !req
380. I'm only out on goddamn bail here.Copy !req
381. I mean, let's be totally serene
on the subject of police.Copy !req
382. Jason.Copy !req
383. Sally goes to take her morning bath...Copy !req
384. and the water comes out rusty.Copy !req
385. Well, the Carlton's
right next door to the St. James...Copy !req
386. which your brother said
he acquired last week.Copy !req
387. So Sally says,
"Am I not entitled to bathe...Copy !req
388. - in Jason's own hotel?"
- I never said I acquired it alone.Copy !req
389. She just shoos the little peon desk clerk away.
You know how she does.Copy !req
390. - That's really peachy. I can just see it now.
- And she grabs the key.Copy !req
391. Me and the cops riding up together
in the same elevator.Copy !req
392. I don't mean to cast
any stones here, David.Copy !req
393. - I mean, I'm still out on a ridiculous felony charge.
- Oh!Copy !req
394. And all I asked from you
was a simple message to Lewis.Copy !req
395. - Now, wait a minute.
- No, that's all. It was a favor. Now I'm vulnerable.Copy !req
396. - Hey, I went to see him.
- Yeah, but you didn't
talk to him before you left...Copy !req
397. otherwise the man would've
gone straight into action.Copy !req
398. - Well, the place was weird.
- Jason.Copy !req
399. - Hey, I waited around. What's the difference?
- Please, take care of her.Copy !req
400. - Guns is all I need.
- I got nervous.Copy !req
401. - I meant to tell you I'm sorry.
- I'm out on goddamn bail
with a concealed weapon.Copy !req
402. Ain't even registered. Will you please
remind me to get this thing registered?Copy !req
403. Now, you take this... in your hand.Copy !req
404. Come on. It ain't gonna go off
like a firecracker in your face.Copy !req
405. Jesus Christ! Great to have flesh and blood
in your corner. Know what I mean?Copy !req
406. - I'm sorry about the message.
- Pick up some lunch!Copy !req
407. - Some pastrami, coleslaw, head cheese!
- Jason!Copy !req
408. - Do you need me?
- I don't care! Anything you want!Copy !req
409. Do you want me to carry that?Copy !req
410. Sally made Jason buy this, you know.Copy !req
411. As if anyone would dare mug Sally.Copy !req
412. David...Copy !req
413. I wish you didn't really think
I was part of all this.Copy !req
414. - Aren't you?Copy !req
415. Of course I am.Copy !req
416. We all are.Copy !req
417. People from the Glassware group...Copy !req
418. - bus leaving from Camden -
- Hey!Copy !req
419. - Hey, Charles, where's my problem?
- 213.Copy !req
420. - But wait a minute. You can't go up there!
- Sorry.Copy !req
421. Bus leaving from Camden,
Asbury Park, Long Branch -Copy !req
422. Jason, how can I get dressed?
My clothes are out there!Copy !req
423. It's okay, darlin'. I'm taking care of it.Copy !req
424. I'm standing here,
wiping bubble bath off my chest...Copy !req
425. and you're insulting my people?Copy !req
426. Well, you're standing there.
You sicced the cops in on the woman.Copy !req
427. You got a whole battalion
of people here.Copy !req
428. You got a woman trapped naked in the bathtub
and you're not even selling tickets.Copy !req
429. - You missed your -
- Jason, hand me my stuff, will ya?Copy !req
430. - Here's your dress, darlin'. Please hurry up.
- Thank you. You pig!Copy !req
431. What are you lookin' at? What,
am I runnin' a burlesque for you today?Copy !req
432. - I was just trying to help.
- What's the matter? You're not
gettin' enough at home?Copy !req
433. You gotta take a peek around here.
Is that your problem?Copy !req
434. All right. All right. Take it easy.Copy !req
435. What do you care about
a man hot for an eyeful?Copy !req
436. - What do you care about a lady,
all she wants to do is wash up.
- Oh.Copy !req
437. - It's the principle, Jason.
- "Principle"?Copy !req
438. - Principle. I'm attempting -
I'm attempting to run -
- Princ -Copy !req
439. - an orderly establishment.
- You talkin' "principle" to me?
Get over here.Copy !req
440. Who are you trying to bullshit here?
You got a grudge a mile wide, and you know it.Copy !req
441. - Now, what's goin' on here?
- I have every reason to be chagrined.Copy !req
442. - You promised Lewis would sign last week.
- That was providing...Copy !req
443. we could work out the terms
of the maintenance deal.Copy !req
444. You can't even produce your owners for the
meeting, so what are you talking about?Copy !req
445. And waste everybody's time? You know that
damn maintenance clause is a smoke screen.Copy !req
446. Of course it's a smoke screen.
You'd rather we cancel the whole negotiations?Copy !req
447. - Well, you got it.
- Can you get - Can you get Lewis to -Copy !req
448. - to cancel that last paragraph or not?Copy !req
449. If I can't get Lewis to cancel
a little paragraph, nobody can.Copy !req
450. What are we talking about here? I'm the
only man trying to hold this deal together.Copy !req
451. - Yes.
- Now, why would you ever want to alienate me?Copy !req
452. God Almighty!Copy !req
453. Yes.Copy !req
454. Right.Copy !req
455. Yes, well -Copy !req
456. Under the, uh -
Under the circumstances, uh...Copy !req
457. I'm afraid I'm still going to have to
charge you for the room.Copy !req
458. That's understood.Copy !req
459. - What is it, uh, $38.50?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
460. Okay. Here's 20.Copy !req
461. I had a hunch that, uh...Copy !req
462. we weren't talkin' "principle" here today.Copy !req
463. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
464. You're gonna make real sure my money
finds its way into the cash register...Copy !req
465. aren't ya, hard-on?Copy !req
466. If you hadn't come,
the police would've been there...Copy !req
467. dragging me out
of the bathtub in a minute.Copy !req
468. I mean, I don't want to go into a place
with my bubble bath...Copy !req
469. and say,
"All right. I have special privileges here"...Copy !req
470. and have the cops called on me,
that's all.Copy !req
471. All right. I'm not finished yet.
My feet are still cold.Copy !req
472. - This water isn't hot enough.
- It's still steaming.Copy !req
473. It's not steaming, Jason. It's cold!Copy !req
474. - Sally, the water is still hot.
- Well, maybe it feels hot to you...Copy !req
475. because you weren't out there
freezing your ass off, but I was!Copy !req
476. Catching double pneumonia
as you were dragging me out of a bathtub.Copy !req
477. - Sally, it's all right.
- It's not all right.Copy !req
478. Could you bring
the hot water over there and pour it?Copy !req
479. - Oh, not him!
- Oh, Sally -Copy !req
480. It's all right. Go ahead.Copy !req
481. Jason, I'm just asking you
to put yourself...Copy !req
482. in my shoes for once,
if you would, please.Copy !req
483. How on earth do you think
that made me feel? Just think about it.Copy !req
484. Poor Mommy.Copy !req
485. Poor baby.Copy !req
486. Hold it. Thank you, David.Copy !req
487. I mean, you told me that you owned
the goddamn St. James Hotel.Copy !req
488. You're so full of shit.Copy !req
489. What I told you was that we still
had to examine the papers.Copy !req
490. You're full of shit!Copy !req
491. Thank you.Copy !req
492. You take a bath in there sometime,
will you, Jason?Copy !req
493. Just go take one bath in there.
The water is rusty, icky, mucky!Copy !req
494. I mean, you'd come out dirtier
than when you went in, for God's sakes!Copy !req
495. Just - I'm telling you, it won't even stay hot
for three minutes, on top of everything else.Copy !req
496. Just go in there
and take one bath and you'll see.Copy !req
497. - Go on. Shrivel your testicles.
- I'll talk to the manager.Copy !req
498. Oh, that'll do a lot of good. Terrific.Copy !req
499. I mean, it's just for a few more days, darling.
Couple of weeks at the most.Copy !req
500. Agura's flying in here Friday from Tokyo,
and we got a deal there.Copy !req
501. It's 96% finalized.Copy !req
502. - Not like the St. James, darlin'.
- What is it?Copy !req
503. - Apple juice.
- Sally, listen to me now, for one time!Copy !req
504. - I am listening to you!
- Well, I tried to explain to you...Copy !req
505. that the St. James deal
was still in the exploratory stage.Copy !req
506. - Well, you didn't make that clear.
- I didn't mean to yell.Copy !req
507. But after that it doesn't matter anyway
'cause the four of us are Waikiki Beach.Copy !req
508. Brown as berries.
Goddamn 50th state.Copy !req
509. We're goddamn Hawaii, babe.
Pineapples.Copy !req
510. That's funny.Copy !req
511. All I need to feel is that you're with me,
you know, David?Copy !req
512. Like we've got
something solid between us.Copy !req
513. I'm still here, aren't l?Copy !req
514. Things are pretty weird
around here, you know?Copy !req
515. It's not like home, huh?Copy !req
516. You were really fabulous
with Sally yesterday.Copy !req
517. You know, the girls,
they'll be yours as much as mine.Copy !req
518. Yeah? When's all this go into effect?Copy !req
519. We'll know when it's time, won't we?Copy !req
520. Love takes time, you understand.Copy !req
521. You've read all that literature.Copy !req
522. No one reads anymore.Copy !req
523. I have been deprived my literary right...Copy !req
524. and I crave an audience.Copy !req
525. The form of the tragic autobiography
is dead...Copy !req
526. or will be soon,
along with most of its authors.Copy !req
527. Good-bye, written word.Copy !req
528. So I have chosen this form -Copy !req
529. radio -Copy !req
530. to author my life.Copy !req
531. Not because my life
is particularly worthy...Copy !req
532. but because it is hopefully...Copy !req
533. comically unworthy.Copy !req
534. Besides...Copy !req
535. tragedy isn't Top 40.Copy !req
536. - Which is just as well.Copy !req
537. - Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- I, uh - l, um -Copy !req
538. I didn't know anybody was in here.Copy !req
539. It's all right. I'm not doing anything.Copy !req
540. - What time is it?
- I don't even have to go.
I can come back anytime.Copy !req
541. I - I couldn't sleep, and I was afraid if l
talked in there I would wake you all up.Copy !req
542. No, no. It's fine.Copy !req
543. You should have all the time you need.Copy !req
544. - I know you're an artist.Copy !req
545. I can come back anytime.
- I - I couldn't sleep...Copy !req
546. and I was afraid if I talked in there
I would wake you all up.Copy !req
547. No, no. It's fine. You should
have all the time you need.Copy !req
548. - I know you're an artist.Copy !req
549. Who say now $150?
Let it go at 1 50. 1 50 now bid.Copy !req
550. 175? 175, yes? 75. Hundred, $200. 200.
Now it's 225. 225? Yes!Copy !req
551. 225 and now 250. 250. Now 275.
Going to give it to you. 75 the bid.Copy !req
552. Bottom 275. Sold 250.Copy !req
553. Thank you, Henry. That was neat.Copy !req
554. Next.Copy !req
555. Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm your auctioneer for the evening...Copy !req
556. and by my accent you can
undoubtedly know that I am Scottish.Copy !req
557. And as you well know, Scottish people
do not give things away free.Copy !req
558. I love all the hustle around here.
It's out in the open.Copy !req
559. Down here, everybody's hustling all the time.
That makes me laugh.Copy !req
560. Maybe you can explain to me why the tzimmis
couldn't wait till the season rolls around.Copy !req
561. Nobody hires an auctioneer
in the depths of winter.Copy !req
562. We all take five. What do you say?Copy !req
563. Pause that refreshes, boys, huh?Copy !req
564. Talk to you guys in a minute.Copy !req
565. Now, you, my brother, sit down right there
for a second and watch this.Copy !req
566. - Purse snatcher!Copy !req
567. - That man took her purse!Copy !req
568. - Mister, look, you give Magda back her purse
this minute, or I'm gonna call the police.
- You want your purse back?Copy !req
569. - Oh, no, no. She's got it back.Copy !req
570. Come right in, ladies.
Of course you won't give me your purse.Copy !req
571. 2,000 years of civilized greed...Copy !req
572. has taught us to cling desperately
to our little possessions.Copy !req
573. Trust no one.
The woods are full of thieves.Copy !req
574. What woods?
What are you selling?Copy !req
575. - The man is sincere, Bambi.
- Oh, Magda.Copy !req
576. Thank you. Now, I really appreciate that.Copy !req
577. And I know that none of you expects me to
give you something for nothing...Copy !req
578. but I am prepared to give you
something for next to nothing.Copy !req
579. You see what we have here today?Copy !req
580. - What do you select?
- The radio.Copy !req
581. - Magda!
- The clock radio. I knew it.Copy !req
582. Sophisticated taste from Magda,
the woman who's goin' for a 28.50 item here.Copy !req
583. For you, Magda, 75 cents.Copy !req
584. Three quarters in my hand,
and you're walkin' out with a clock radio.Copy !req
585. You'd give me that radio for 75 cents?Copy !req
586. What else does she have to buy?Copy !req
587. I got a clock radio here
goin' for six bits.Copy !req
588. It's goin' once. It's goin' twice.Copy !req
589. l-I'd like to hear it play a minute.
It's only fair.Copy !req
590. I'm sorry. Forgive me.Copy !req
591. - Oh!
- Okay, Davey. Take over.Copy !req
592. - Forget the radio. Here.Copy !req
593. Now, why don't you take
this little mixing machine. It's a freebie.Copy !req
594. - The other man just confused me.
- Hey, how about the toaster?Copy !req
595. - Toaster? Sure. Here.
- Yeah.
- How 'bout the watch?Copy !req
596. - How about you take the toaster?
What did you want?Copy !req
597. Here's the Bulova for Dad.
There you are.Copy !req
598. We don't want your money, ladies.
There you go. Quite a surprise package for you.Copy !req
599. - [ All Chattering, Shouting ]
- No, no, ladies! For God's sakes!Copy !req
600. - Let's clear the entrance.
- They don't want your money.Copy !req
601. Auction is over.
Run along now. That's it for today.Copy !req
602. - Ah, geez.
- You're some kind of holy terror, you know that?Copy !req
603. - I'm surprised they ever
let you out of that loony bin.
- Well, not exactly a loony bin.Copy !req
604. More like a retreat, rest home.Copy !req
605. Now wait a minute. Both of you.Copy !req
606. Look, before you call it a good day's work,
what am I supposed to do with seven auctioneers?Copy !req
607. Send 'em packin'.
They're a bunch of lames, jam-joiners.Copy !req
608. Very nice.
What about my merchandise?Copy !req
609. Why be so shortsighted? Why don't you
think of the goodwill that it bought you?Copy !req
610. Goodwill don't balance my books.
At least I need receipts.Copy !req
611. Jason, tell this schmuck about receipts.Copy !req
612. See, I got a news flash for you.
These grandmas are coming back...Copy !req
613. with half the widows of South Jersey, and
not because they got a handout for nothin'.Copy !req
614. - But because merchandise
was presented to them with style -
- Sure.Copy !req
615. Style from this schmuck, you schmuck, who
happens to be David Staebler, my brother.Copy !req
616. Two Staeblers.
What, are you planning my ruination?Copy !req
617. Just the opposite, Mr. Lebowitz.Copy !req
618. I've been summoned here
to give your image a face-lifting.Copy !req
619. Surely even you understand that image
is everything in business today.Copy !req
620. Look. I have no time for jokes, Jason,
no desire for argument.
Receipts is the rule for everybody.Copy !req
621. - What are you aggravatin' me for?
- if Lewis came here, wanted to play Santa -Copy !req
622. Here I am, goddamn reunited with my brother,
and you're arguing with me.Copy !req
623. Now, that's no way to do business.
It don't have a good bode.Copy !req
624. Remember when we were kids?Copy !req
625. You were always hollering,
"You're not the king of me."Copy !req
626. That still goes.Copy !req
627. Don't think you got
the crown of Staebleravia sewed up either.Copy !req
628. I hear these islands are
a veritable hotbed of palace revolution.Copy !req
629. What kind of wardrobe is that, huh?Copy !req
630. Spread 'em apart.
There's a mole in the middle of the valley.Copy !req
631. - That's not funny.
- Shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
632. - Come on. What are you doing?
- Come on.Copy !req
633. - Come on.Copy !req
634. Your aim is totally off.Copy !req
635. Are you gonna
make something happen or what?Copy !req
636. One, two, three!Copy !req
637. Hey, hey! I'll give you Billy the Kid!Copy !req
638. - I'm all wet.Copy !req
639. This could've been
a fantastic island right here.Copy !req
640. It was full-out class until about 1930.Copy !req
641. I tell you, you could hop a plane to Bermuda
for the weekend.Copy !req
642. Yeah. Look at it now.Copy !req
643. Let that be a lesson to us.Copy !req
644. I promise you strict controls on Tiki.Copy !req
645. We can't ever let it go downhill.Copy !req
646. That's why I won't let anybody
build on anything less than 10 acres.Copy !req
647. And no pokerino. No frozen custard.Copy !req
648. No saltwater taffy.Copy !req
649. If anybody litters, we deport 'em.Copy !req
650. Thanks, Bertha. It was a nice ride.Copy !req
651. You're welcome.Copy !req
652. So tell me, how are you doing
with little Jessica?Copy !req
653. She seems very nice.Copy !req
654. We haven't exactly gotten intimate yet.Copy !req
655. Well, you're the most fascinating man
she ever met.Copy !req
656. - Did she say that?
- We have no secrets.Copy !req
657. Jason, we're freezing. Come on!Copy !req
658. - Miss Hawaii. Yes, indeed.Copy !req
659. Miss Hawaii.Copy !req
660. Style and grace...Copy !req
661. and a beautiful face...Copy !req
662. from our beautiful 50th state
of blue Hawaii.Copy !req
663. Yes, indeed! No contest!Copy !req
664. Major discovery!Copy !req
665. Totally major discovery!Copy !req
666. She's it!Copy !req
667. This is my favorite part of the show.
Having fun?Copy !req
668. I'm just having a ball.Copy !req
669. Now, I noticed in your biographical sketch...Copy !req
670. that you haven't tap-danced
since you were nine years old.Copy !req
671. No, sir. Not really, sir.Copy !req
672. Ask her an interesting question, lame,
and quit milkin' it for yourself!Copy !req
673. I see you brought
your own rooting section with you.Copy !req
674. Yes, sir, I did.Copy !req
675. Well, how 'bout that?Copy !req
676. Thank you. We wish you
all the best luck in the world, uh, honey.Copy !req
677. And now...Copy !req
678. comes the moment
we've all been waiting for.Copy !req
679. I don't envy our judges.Copy !req
680. They've had to select
from among the most glamorous...Copy !req
681. and the most talented contestants ever.Copy !req
682. But at last,
they have reached their decision.Copy !req
683. And there she is...Copy !req
684. being crowned by last year's queen...Copy !req
685. the most beautiful girl in the world...Copy !req
686. Miss America!Copy !req
687. Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!Copy !req
688. You look beautiful, darlin'!Copy !req
689. Take a walk! Come on!
Hit the big runway!Copy !req
690. - You look beautiful.Copy !req
691. We're pushin' 1:00 a.m., Staebes.
You ain't splurgin' for no time and a half.Copy !req
692. Sticklers!Copy !req
693. Nobody down here
got any pageantry anymore at all.Copy !req
694. Nobody even wants it anymore.Copy !req
695. - Jason, what's happening? I haven't finished.
- That's it?Copy !req
696. - Why can't she finish?
- Go on home. You're off the rate.Copy !req
697. Take Miss America and her pageant
and get out of here.Copy !req
698. - Let her finish.
- What do you got in here? Dracula?Copy !req
699. - She's almost finished.
- Come on, darlin'. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
700. - You got it.
- Careful!Copy !req
701. ♪ In Atlantic City ♪Copy !req
702. A rose here! A rose!Copy !req
703. - Now you got 'em. Yeah. Bring 'em in.Copy !req
704. - That means he's ready to eat, right?
- Yep.Copy !req
705. - Yeah, he looks like - He looks like a good one.
- He's not very big.Copy !req
706. - Nah, but he's -
- Here, little guy.Copy !req
707. - They cook better when they're that size.
- Here, little guy.Copy !req
708. - Okay. We need about four
or five more the size there.
- Four or five more?Copy !req
709. Davey, which one do you like?Copy !req
710. Forgive me.Copy !req
711. We don't want to misunderstand
about these dolphins.Copy !req
712. They live with people in the same family?Copy !req
713. Exactly. At least that's the way
these particular experiments were structured.Copy !req
714. In one, a girl lived intimately
with a male dolphin for two months.Copy !req
715. They developed an extraordinary level
of interspecies communication.Copy !req
716. She taught him to make humanoid sounds...Copy !req
717. even English language phrases.Copy !req
718. They learned to sense one another's moods...Copy !req
719. to make each other happy.Copy !req
720. Uh, please. Just how did she
make this dolphin happy?Copy !req
721. Well, he liked to have the skin
between his flippers stroked...Copy !req
722. for one thing.Copy !req
723. She eventually learned
to relieve his sexual needs...Copy !req
724. if that's what you're curious about -
and I certainly would be.Copy !req
725. The point is, there are a hundred avenues
to redefining leisure.Copy !req
726. We're exploring many of them.Copy !req
727. Dolphins are only one example, of course.Copy !req
728. You see, we don't believe that people today...Copy !req
729. want to spend their whole vacation...Copy !req
730. lazing on their backs in the sun.Copy !req
731. They want to bring home
something more than just a suntan.Copy !req
732. But no nightclub? No entertainment?Copy !req
733. Oh, I can promise you stage shows
that are one of a kind...Copy !req
734. like my brother's mind.Copy !req
735. You've been listening to the man.Copy !req
736. We're not talkin' about Las Vegas.Copy !req
737. He's already booked the most fantastic
tap-dancing show in America.Copy !req
738. Gentlemen, lady, excuse me.Copy !req
739. I - I have a splitting headache.Copy !req
740. On your way home,
why don't you pick up a spice cake...Copy !req
741. and then we can all have a little dessert
back at the suite later?Copy !req
742. I'm sorry. Business discussions always disturb her.
They give her a headache.Copy !req
743. It's because, um, her father talked of nothing
but business at the dinner table -Copy !req
744. or something like that.Copy !req
745. - Here. Sit down.Copy !req
746. Well, we too must be
getting back to our hotel.Copy !req
747. Oh, nonsense. Now, come on.
It's still early. Sit down.Copy !req
748. We'll be leaving on an early flight
tomorrow out of Newark.Copy !req
749. Most fascinating, these plans of yours.Copy !req
750. Anyhow, since we're talking
about Lewis's money...Copy !req
751. perhaps we should soon
be talking to Lewis.Copy !req
752. You've always had this, Davey.
You seem to need to cut me.Copy !req
753. Jason, you gave me the impression
we had this island all locked up.Copy !req
754. - I'm not saying -
- Well, it is all locked up.Copy !req
755. Are you trying to teach me about business?Copy !req
756. I mean, you really think that you ever
settle every last detail over a lobster?Copy !req
757. Come on. You know better than that.Copy !req
758. Listen.
This whole deal is no competition.Copy !req
759. Those Orientals got nobody else
interested in this island.Copy !req
760. Well, if it's such a desirable piece of property...Copy !req
761. why don't they have somebody else
interested in this island?Copy !req
762. Because we're talking about
a highly superstitious people.Copy !req
763. I mean, I checked
this proposition out myself...Copy !req
764. and these Orientals think
that there's some kind of jinx on this place.Copy !req
765. Nobody'll touch it, and Dimblewit
won't play ball with the right people...Copy !req
766. so they think that Tiki's a white elephant.Copy !req
767. Jason, even if you could sew up a down payment,
a nightclub isn't something -Copy !req
768. Hey, don't "nightclub" me.
What we got here is Staebleravia - a kingdom.Copy !req
769. Oh, for God's sakes.
Let somebody else handle the entertainment.Copy !req
770. Your brother changes his mind twice a day.Copy !req
771. Sally, if David
has any reservations about the plan...Copy !req
772. I am welcoming the opportunity
to rebut them.Copy !req
773. But, Jason, if somebody doesn't want something,
you just can't go give it to 'em!Copy !req
774. He's never gonna understand
what you're trying to do for him, not ever.Copy !req
775. I mean, he doesn't -
he doesn't have any gratitude.Copy !req
776. He's got only one thing -
that's depression, suspicion and mistrust.Copy !req
777. She's not all wrong.Copy !req
778. I mean, there is a grain of truth there.Copy !req
779. Jason, you're asking me
to believe in another dream.Copy !req
780. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
781. Like two years ago, when we were gonna
go on a trip around the world, the two of us...Copy !req
782. all expenses paid.Copy !req
783. Cook's Tours. Holland American Lines.Copy !req
784. Well, that's the perfect example.Copy !req
785. I convinced the U.S.I.A. that we are
goodwill ambassadors - big smiles -Copy !req
786. and then you gotta show up
in one of your famous depressions.Copy !req
787. Now, look, Jason.Copy !req
788. I don't hear from you for a year and a half, and
then you call me up three and a half weeks ago -Copy !req
789. That's exactly what I'm talkin' about.
You hear yourself now? Your attitude.Copy !req
790. Now, why not give me a chance,
a few months?Copy !req
791. Suppose I do fall on my ass?
What does that cost you?Copy !req
792. My suggestion is we call it a night.Copy !req
793. If you two could hear yourselves -Copy !req
794. We could hear ourselves a whole lot better
if you would butt out for about 30 seconds.Copy !req
795. - Come on, Jessie. Let's go.
- In a minute, Sally.Copy !req
796. No, honey. It's nighty-night,
beddy-bye time. Come on.Copy !req
797. Now, now. Tomorrow's another day.Copy !req
798. Another day, another dollar.
The early bird gets the worm.Copy !req
799. You're the one
who's acting like a three-year-old.Copy !req
800. Why don't you just go to bed?Copy !req
801. I say you get in that bedroom right now.Copy !req
802. Jason, why don't you sleep out here tonight
with your little brother?Copy !req
803. I think you can squeeze two
in that Murphy bed.Copy !req
804. [ Jessica, Muffled ]
Okay, Sally, you got your own stupid way.Copy !req
805. I'd better go.Copy !req
806. I've already told them
what we're callin' the place -Copy !req
807. "The Philosopher King," after you.Copy !req
808. Jason!Copy !req
809. Yeah.Copy !req
810. I get to feed alfalfa to the rabbits, right?Copy !req
811. Oh, David, stuff is just gettin'
too complicated in this shit-hole.Copy !req
812. For Christ's sakes, straighten up!Copy !req
813. Why must you always walk away like that?Copy !req
814. I know you're afraid, David.Copy !req
815. But I don't know...Copy !req
816. what it is that makes you afraid.Copy !req
817. You'd better go to bed now.Copy !req
818. I love you. All right?Copy !req
819. I know.Copy !req
820. I love you too.Copy !req
821. Good-bye to all this, huh?Copy !req
822. How deep is beauty?Copy !req
823. Skin deep.Copy !req
824. - How deep is beauty?
- Skin deep!Copy !req
825. Vanity, vanity! All is vanity!Copy !req
826. - Out goes the old,
and in - goddamn - comes the new!
- Good-bye to this!Copy !req
827. - Farewell to finery!
- Oh, goddamn!Copy !req
828. - Tiki Hawaii! Winter is out!
- You've done a good job,
but your life is over, my dear.Copy !req
829. - Farewell!
- Winter coats, go!Copy !req
830. - It's all over!
- Whoo!Copy !req
831. - Good-bye to this!
- We got an inferno here!Copy !req
832. - No more diets!
- I'll match you.Copy !req
833. - You throw one, I'll throw one.
- Good-bye to all of this!Copy !req
834. Three, four.Copy !req
835. - And take that too!
- Come on. As fast as you can go, darlin'. Go.Copy !req
836. Hey, darlin'. Where are you goin'?Copy !req
837. Sally, are you all right?Copy !req
838. There. Now we're a cooperation, huh?Copy !req
839. No more competition. Are you happy?Copy !req
840. - Huh?Copy !req
841. Hey, did you want any of this stuff?
You can have anything you want, honey.Copy !req
842. Should we save something for you?
What do you think? Here, you pick out
something for your old age.Copy !req
843. Come on. This will be your hope chest,
my darling.Copy !req
844. Here it is.Copy !req
845. Oh, don't.
Don't get tears on the pretty face.Copy !req
846. I want you to stay
as beautiful as you can...Copy !req
847. as long as you can, okay?Copy !req
848. Oh, you don't need this though.
What am I thinking?Copy !req
849. I mean, they're gonna have
new and improved products...Copy !req
850. by the time you're old and... withered.Copy !req
851. Fat.Copy !req
852. Saggy-breasted.Copy !req
853. Stretch marks
all over your blubbery thighs...Copy !req
854. and your dumpy behind.Copy !req
855. Tsk. Oh. Nah, you're not gonna
need any of this stuff.Copy !req
856. No. Nor this.Copy !req
857. Or this. Or this.Copy !req
858. It's all for you now, Jessie.Copy !req
859. - It's all you, honey.Copy !req
860. Hmm.Copy !req
861. I'm just along for the ride now.Copy !req
862. Isn't it funny how things change?
You see how things change?Copy !req
863. You know?
I mean, now you're the meal ticket.Copy !req
864. Yeah. You won't forget old Sal,
will you, huh?Copy !req
865. You gonna forget old Sal?
No. Okay.Copy !req
866. Hey, don't you cry.
Why are you crying?Copy !req
867. Miss America. Come on.
Let me see Miss America. There she is.Copy !req
868. That's good.
And I am your chaperone.Copy !req
869. Yes, I am. I will be your chaperone.Copy !req
870. Now -Copy !req
871. I'll wait up for you, see?Copy !req
872. I'll stay home, and I'll wait up,
my little bunny rabbit.Copy !req
873. And every night when you come home,
I'll tuck you in.Copy !req
874. How about that? Huh? All right?Copy !req
875. Tame, you go first.Copy !req
876. All right. No.Copy !req
877. You've known Sally a long time,
haven't you?Copy !req
878. My whole life, practically.Copy !req
879. She's my stepmother.Copy !req
880. Wait a minute.Copy !req
881. It's my eye makeup.Copy !req
882. Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...Copy !req
883. to lay sweet Maybelline
in her final resting place in the sand.Copy !req
884. That's my eyeliner...Copy !req
885. eye shadow...Copy !req
886. and eyelashes.Copy !req
887. Do you know that eyelashes
are made out of real animal fur?Copy !req
888. They are, really.
Honest, Jase.Copy !req
889. Minks.Copy !req
890. I've been walking around for 20 years
with little minks on my eyelids.Copy !req
891. May I greet the morning...Copy !req
892. as I am...Copy !req
893. with my own naked face.Copy !req
894. Yes?Copy !req
895. Sally. Come on.
Let's go now.Copy !req
896. Run some of that energy off.Copy !req
897. Come on, sweetheart.
There's nothing left to throw into the fire.Copy !req
898. Yeah. I just wanna sit here.
I don't wanna run.Copy !req
899. Sally. Please come
run with me right now.Copy !req
900. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
901. Come on. I'll go slow. Come on.Copy !req
902. I never went anywhere.Copy !req
903. Never left my cabin.Copy !req
904. Except to pick up some milk and cheese
at a little farm in the valley nearby.Copy !req
905. Never saw anybody...Copy !req
906. except old Ma Saboski...Copy !req
907. who ran it by herself.Copy !req
908. She had a Sunday supplement...Copy !req
909. color photograph of Johnny Unitas...Copy !req
910. Scotch-taped to her wall.Copy !req
911. I told myself that I had all that I needed...Copy !req
912. in the way of human companionship.Copy !req
913. But then I couldn't make it
through the winter alone.Copy !req
914. They're gonna be down here any second.Copy !req
915. Well, we're in the middle of something,
aren't we?Copy !req
916. Do you want me
to go someplace with you?Copy !req
917. Look, David, there have been lots of men.Copy !req
918. At first, Sally carried me...Copy !req
919. and then I just tagged along...Copy !req
920. until I got old enough.Copy !req
921. And we went together.Copy !req
922. Sort of a package deal.Copy !req
923. That's a polite way of putting it.Copy !req
924. When my father left, she didn't
have to take me with her, David.Copy !req
925. That's what I mean when I talk about
being connected to somebody.Copy !req
926. You mean, sleepwalking along
on someone else's life?Copy !req
927. Jessica! Jessie.Copy !req
928. Do you think that you're the only one
who's entitled to be selfish?Copy !req
929. What are you doin' down there, darlin'?
Hatching corporate mergers?Copy !req
930. Come on. Let's mule train out of here.
We're on the town tonight.Copy !req
931. Ah, here they come.
Oh, and my, don't they look nice together?Copy !req
932. Oh. Tsk. Aren't we chichi?Copy !req
933. Aren't we "shiekery," Davey?
Sally and the beautiful people, yes?Copy !req
934. Jess and Jase. Jase and Jess.
It's just too perfect.Copy !req
935. Come on, darlin'.Copy !req
936. Are you sure
you're gonna be all right alone?Copy !req
937. Good night.Copy !req
938. - Whoop!
- Oh, boy.Copy !req
939. As illusions begin to drift and fade...Copy !req
940. like white snow -Copy !req
941. Once, while pretending to be living alone...Copy !req
942. in a cabin in the woods...Copy !req
943. it began to snow...Copy !req
944. for 11 days...Copy !req
945. and 11 nights.Copy !req
946. The end of the sixth day...Copy !req
947. I began to feel...Copy !req
948. that I was...Copy !req
949. disappearing.Copy !req
950. Shit.Copy !req
951. Edit that out, Frank.Copy !req
952. Edit that out too.Copy !req
953. Bitch.Copy !req
954. Have you... ever had the feeling...Copy !req
955. that you were... uncertain...Copy !req
956. that you were
where you sensed yourself to be...Copy !req
957. that you were in a set...Copy !req
958. that all of the...Copy !req
959. things were...Copy !req
960. props...Copy !req
961. put there to stimulate you...Copy !req
962. and that you were, in fact...Copy !req
963. under observation in some...Copy !req
964. white hospital?Copy !req
965. God. Vomit.Copy !req
966. [ Sighs, Mutters ]
Um -Copy !req
967. Edit all that out, Frank.Copy !req
968. The roads...Copy !req
969. were impassable.Copy !req
970. The blizzard...Copy !req
971. had been falling...Copy !req
972. for eight days.Copy !req
973. - The snow had built...Copy !req
974. - over the windowsill -Copy !req
975. enclosing the windows...Copy !req
976. cutting off all the white light.Copy !req
977. - Jesus. Start again.Copy !req
978. - Who are you?
- Let's go, Staebler.Copy !req
979. Yeah. What do you want?
Who - Who told you to come in here?Copy !req
980. Hey, who - who sent you?Copy !req
981. - Hey, what is -
- Just hold it right there!Copy !req
982. - Ju - Just stay right there.
- Nobody said nothin' about no gun.Copy !req
983. - Yeah, no way, man.
- Who sent you?Copy !req
984. - We're just pickup and deliverymen.
- Just don't move.Copy !req
985. - We ain't goin' nowhere, right?
- No.Copy !req
986. Only when it was exhumed...Copy !req
987. did it begin to decompose...Copy !req
988. into a chicken fucking sandwich.Copy !req
989. Hey, wait a minute.
I want to ask you one or two questions.Copy !req
990. Wait a minute, I said!Copy !req
991. I got a piece of business
with Jason Capone upstairs.Copy !req
992. He's out for the evening.Copy !req
993. In that case,
we got all the time in the world.Copy !req
994. I'm not gonna cause you any trouble.
You can rely on that.Copy !req
995. I just want to find out a few things.Copy !req
996. As long as you ain't
no dirty trouble-causer.Copy !req
997. There are two types put me uptight -Copy !req
998. a dirty double-crosser...Copy !req
999. and a dirty trouble causer.Copy !req
1000. You know what a dirty double-crosser is?Copy !req
1001. That's a cat that sails
all the way to Paris, France...Copy !req
1002. and all the way back...Copy !req
1003. without taking a bath for the duration.Copy !req
1004. Now...Copy !req
1005. a dirty trouble causer...Copy !req
1006. he's somethin' else again.Copy !req
1007. He might be a cat
lookin' to arrange secret meetings...Copy !req
1008. with my superiors.Copy !req
1009. I'm in a hurry.Copy !req
1010. I hope you're cautious,
carryin' that little piece in your pocket.Copy !req
1011. Let's go.Copy !req
1012. You know, you remind me of a little sweet cat
I used to know up in Perth Amboy.Copy !req
1013. Carried a little derringer around like that.Copy !req
1014. One day it went off in his pants.Copy !req
1015. Changed his life.Copy !req
1016. I just want to forewarn you.Copy !req
1017. Some cats mistakenly presume that
if a white man walks in bearing firearms...Copy !req
1018. he's on a hostile mission.Copy !req
1019. Ooh. Oh.Copy !req
1020. Do you wanna stay cordial?Copy !req
1021. Don't ever point no weapon at me.
You understand?Copy !req
1022. - Okay.Copy !req
1023. Move.Copy !req
1024. You're not a whole lot smarter
than your brother.Copy !req
1025. I was only playing with you
that time in my office.Copy !req
1026. I'm Lewis.Copy !req
1027. Heard Jase talk about you many a-times.Copy !req
1028. Many a-times.Copy !req
1029. - You're the philosopher.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1030. An hour ago two hoodlums
tried to kidnap me.Copy !req
1031. Yeah, I heard that.Copy !req
1032. They were told to pick up
your big, bad brother.Copy !req
1033. Why are you after Jason?Copy !req
1034. After him?Copy !req
1035. You've got to be kidding. After him?Copy !req
1036. Is that how come you requested
a summit meetin'?Copy !req
1037. Oh, I neglected to mention,
he was packin' this when he requested.Copy !req
1038. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1039. - Come here.Copy !req
1040. - Hey, what do they call you?
- Teddy the Wonder Boy.Copy !req
1041. I wonder why in the hell
you don't stay out of my kitchen.Copy !req
1042. - Can't hear yourself think around here.Copy !req
1043. You put Jason in jail.Copy !req
1044. Why not? I kept him out enough times.Copy !req
1045. Odd way to pay somebody back
for years of loyalty.Copy !req
1046. Pay back?Copy !req
1047. You come to tell me who owes who?Copy !req
1048. I had the impression that he opened up
some territories for you.Copy !req
1049. Places that you couldn't get into,
places in the South...Copy !req
1050. like Daytona, Atlanta, New Orleans.Copy !req
1051. - Places that brought you a lot of money.
- Okay.Copy !req
1052. So I don't forget a job well done.Copy !req
1053. But maybe you don't know about Hawaii.Copy !req
1054. No, I know about Hawaii.
I know about Hawaii.Copy !req
1055. You send a guy down there - You send a flunky
down there, you don't get anything big.Copy !req
1056. You can't send a flunky down there.
You send Jason.Copy !req
1057. Of course he's got ideas of his own. What do
you expect? That's what you like about him.Copy !req
1058. That's why he's working this job for you.
That's the way you got started.Copy !req
1059. You think everything goes down
one thing right after another?Copy !req
1060. Everything's settled over a lobster dinner?
It doesn't work that way.Copy !req
1061. I send him on errands.
The next thing is he wants his own island.Copy !req
1062. - For a venture.
- Sure. Craps, roulette.Copy !req
1063. He'll make a fortune for me.
He's gonna be the new Conrad Hilton.Copy !req
1064. He wants to start off for himself
like you started off for yourself.Copy !req
1065. That's all there is to that.
He's just like you.Copy !req
1066. Look, son, if Jason's tired of Atlantic City...Copy !req
1067. I'll send him to Hawaii.Copy !req
1068. Fine.Copy !req
1069. You wanna go along, also fine.Copy !req
1070. We'll buy you boys some kind
of pineapple stand down there.Copy !req
1071. How's that?Copy !req
1072. Maybe I know my brother
a little better than you.Copy !req
1073. One thing about him -Copy !req
1074. If he insists he's still workin' for me...Copy !req
1075. his ass is gonna rot in correctional
for two to five on an auto-theft felony.Copy !req
1076. Listen, son.Copy !req
1077. I'll invite him to live
in my own residence...Copy !req
1078. but no business.Copy !req
1079. You I can talk to.Copy !req
1080. You and me could work up
some sweet deals.Copy !req
1081. Jason's no businessman.
Can't he understand?Copy !req
1082. He won't listen to my opinion.Copy !req
1083. I think he's an artist.Copy !req
1084. Who is Lewis?Copy !req
1085. Some pitiful shine off the streets -
moderate brains.Copy !req
1086. I was his goddamn turning point, Brother.Copy !req
1087. That's right. Jason Staebler.Copy !req
1088. Lewis was nickels and dimes
when he met me.Copy !req
1089. - You're living in his suite.
- Oh, what are you talkin' about?Copy !req
1090. The man was hustling numbers
on Baltic Avenue when I met him.Copy !req
1091. I built up his entire organization.Copy !req
1092. And if you think for one second, David,
that I need Lewis to sew up Tiki Island...Copy !req
1093. you're dead wrong, so forget it.Copy !req
1094. Well, don't tell me. Tell the Japanese.Copy !req
1095. I don't want you in the shower, honey,
unless you're totally packed.Copy !req
1096. - I'm totally packed!
- Thank you.Copy !req
1097. I don't even know why you and l
are discussing Japanese...Copy !req
1098. because Mount Fuji-face only knows Lewis
because I picked up some real estate for him.Copy !req
1099. Yeah, with whose money?
Who paid for it, Jason? Him or you?Copy !req
1100. Oh, come on. What are you talking about?
I got guys - seven, eight figures -
calling me all the time...Copy !req
1101. asking what they should do
with their loose cash.Copy !req
1102. Thousands of 'em. I can't sleep at night.
The telephone's ringin' all the time.Copy !req
1103. Oh, David. For Christ's sake!
Look how close we are.Copy !req
1104. What are you letting us
get our wires crossed now?Copy !req
1105. Just let me row us into shore,
will you, please?Copy !req
1106. Close? You keep pretending
that the charges don't exist.Copy !req
1107. He wants me out of his hair.
Is that what you're saying? I'm out.Copy !req
1108. Let Lewis clear up the phony rap.Copy !req
1109. Do you realize
I have absolutely nothing to pack?Copy !req
1110. Nothing?Copy !req
1111. I've left a thousand places.
This is the first time I've had no packing.Copy !req
1112. You see, David, if everything
don't work out for you like magic...Copy !req
1113. then it's all a mirage.Copy !req
1114. I've been knocking around this old world
a little longer than you have...Copy !req
1115. and I can tell you one thing right off the bat -
it ain't never that easy.Copy !req
1116. Do you know, even my makeup kit is empty.Copy !req
1117. Plan "A" busts, you switch to plan "B,"
with "C" and "D" to fall back on.Copy !req
1118. And then maybe you end up with something.Copy !req
1119. A lot of plans.Copy !req
1120. You know, David, I think you'd be happier
back in Philadelphia living with Grandpa.Copy !req
1121. Every week for $1 1 0
you can rehash the same old bullshit...Copy !req
1122. that you have been boring me to death with
since I was 15 years old.Copy !req
1123. What about her, Jason?
What are you gonna do with her?Copy !req
1124. Send her home from Hawaii in a basket?Copy !req
1125. What are you, the consulting psychiatrist
or something? I happen to be right here in
the room with you, you little snot-nose kid!Copy !req
1126. - Can't you see I'm trying to have
a conversation with my brother?
- Yes, I can see that.Copy !req
1127. - Now, will you get in that room
and pack your bag right away!
- I don't have anything to pack!Copy !req
1128. - We've got a limousine, Sally.
It's due here inside of an hour.
- I told you. All right.Copy !req
1129. I don't care whether
you have anything to pack or not.
Go downstairs and buy a magazine then.Copy !req
1130. Just do me a favor, darling.
Don't go to pieces on me right now.Copy !req
1131. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1132. Look, we'll leave Sally here.Copy !req
1133. Then Jessica, you and I can go together...Copy !req
1134. settle the backing,
and then we'll send for Sally.Copy !req
1135. You still think there's a deal!Copy !req
1136. Your household is crumbling, and you're putting
together a multimillion-dollar real estate deal.Copy !req
1137. That's just great. You two run off with Jessie
and leave me here alone.Copy !req
1138. - You two pulling Jessie's titty in the hot sand.
- I'm going back to Philadelphia...Copy !req
1139. - and you are going to stand trial on Friday.
- Good. Good.Copy !req
1140. - There's not gonna be a trial.
How many times I gotta tell you that?
- Jason.Copy !req
1141. - Can't you think? Huh?
- Jason. Is that what you're gonna do?Copy !req
1142. Now, just be quiet, will you, darlin'?
You want to know why nobody can ever
have a conversation with you?Copy !req
1143. It's very simple.
You cannot keep the issues straight.Copy !req
1144. Jason, just - Jason, are you gonna leave me?Copy !req
1145. - Well, let's just drop it then.
- No, let's not just drop it then.Copy !req
1146. I mean, you want Jessica to stay and take care
of Sally, that's fine with me, David.Copy !req
1147. I merely thought that the girl
would be an added attraction. That's all.Copy !req
1148. Actually, this way it's much better,
because now together, you and l,
can go down and close the deal.Copy !req
1149. Oh, Christ, Jason!
Will you wake up for one minute?Copy !req
1150. Will you open your eyes?
Open your ears!Copy !req
1151. Okay, okay. The big problem
is where to dump me. Isn't it?Copy !req
1152. Well, isn't it?Copy !req
1153. How's this? I'll shoot myself, huh?Copy !req
1154. Then the three of you can run off to
the South Sea Islands together. How's that?Copy !req
1155. How's this? You just stop acting crazy
for a minute, huh?Copy !req
1156. - You want me to have to beg you, is that it?
- Don't be rigid, Jason.Copy !req
1157. - That's a perfectly good solution.
- I am not being rigid, sweetheart.Copy !req
1158. I'm simply telling you, get your ass
into the bedroom, or I'll shoot you myself.Copy !req
1159. Now, we've both had a bellyful of you.Copy !req
1160. How's this? I'll shoot your brother David,
and then I'll go off to the gas chamber...Copy !req
1161. and you can run off with Jessica, which is what
you've been wanting to do for a long time.Copy !req
1162. - Just give me the gun.
- Isn't it, Jason?Copy !req
1163. Now, let me tell you what's number one with me.
You want to really know?Copy !req
1164. It's my brother. Now, for 30 years, David and l
have been trying to get together on something.Copy !req
1165. We finally have an opportunity.
We are very close.Copy !req
1166. And if you think for one second
that you're gonna chase him back to Philly...Copy !req
1167. with all the scene
you're putting on here...Copy !req
1168. and then it's gonna be Jessica and you and me
playing ukuleles forever in the sand, forget it!Copy !req
1169. No, ma'am. Never.
So get a grip on yourself.Copy !req
1170. You wait a minute! Just a minute, you!Copy !req
1171. I'll shoot you, and then your little brother
David can run off with my Jessie...Copy !req
1172. - and live happily ever after!Copy !req
1173. - They'll probably pin a medal on me!
- What's going on?Copy !req
1174. Your mother's gonna murder one of us.Copy !req
1175. So far the only one
she hasn't nominated is you.Copy !req
1176. I can see it right now. "Matron Slays Three
in Seashore Love Nest." Headline material.Copy !req
1177. Oh, please, go off.Copy !req
1178. Oh.Copy !req
1179. There was no way that...Copy !req
1180. the middle-aged Kewpie doll
really thought...Copy !req
1181. that Miss America was in the cards.Copy !req
1182. The dinners with -Copy !req
1183. the Japanese businessmen in bibs...Copy !req
1184. and...Copy !req
1185. the latest come-on with Lili's dolphins...Copy !req
1186. all seemed harmless.Copy !req
1187. No sense in not going along
for the ride...Copy !req
1188. and not enjoying the games...Copy !req
1189. when...Copy !req
1190. that's what the trip seemed to be about.Copy !req
1191. No need not to speculate
what your hero was doing...Copy !req
1192. behind the doors...Copy !req
1193. late at night when you couldn't sleep.Copy !req
1194. The goals didn't seem serious for moments.Copy !req
1195. Then certainly nothing more serious
could happen.Copy !req
1196. Maybe there even would be a trip...Copy !req
1197. to blue Hawaii.Copy !req
1198. I certainly didn't want to stop it.Copy !req
1199. But in the fun house...Copy !req
1200. how do you know who's really crazy?Copy !req
1201. How do you know...Copy !req
1202. that it's supposed to be you...Copy !req
1203. that stops it right now?Copy !req
1204. Only you don't know how to stop it.Copy !req
1205. The gun was...Copy !req
1206. always with the water pistols.Copy !req
1207. Until Wednesday...Copy !req
1208. this has been your host, David Staebler.Copy !req
1209. The program is Etcetera.Copy !req
1210. What are you looking at this for?Copy !req
1211. Do you know what time it is?Copy !req
1212. Don't worry about me. I'm all right.Copy !req
1213. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1214. It's okay. I know you didn't mean it.Copy !req
1215. - Good night.
- Good night.Copy !req