- 1. And now, from New York,
The Jerry Langford Show...
- 2. with Jerry's guests:
Tony Randall, Richard Dreyfuss...
- 3. Rodney Dangerfield, Dr. Joyce Brothers,
Lou Brown and the orchestra...
- 4. and little old me, Ed Herlihy.
- 5. And now say hello to Jerry!
- 6. Thank you. Good evening.
You look like a great audience.
- 7. Louis, how are you? Lou Brown
and the marvelous Langford orchestra.
- 8. Group.
- 9. - Um, Ed, how are you tonight?
- Very well.
- 10. Wonderful. I'm sorry I woke you.
- 11. I shall adhere to your request, sir.
- 12. You want Jerry's autograph?
Give me the books.
- 13. Give me the books, give me the books. Okay.
- 14. - Have him write something personal.
- Half an hour. Goodbye.
- 15. I'll give you Mia Farrow for it.
- 16. I'm not gonna give you anything else.
I'm not wasting my time going in to get it.
- 17. - Hi, Rupert.
- Hello, Rupert.
- 18. - Who'd you get?
- 19. I got Rodney Dangerfield.
I'll trade for Barbra.
- 20. - You're wasting your time.
- Robin Williams.
- 21. Sidney, it's not my whole life.
- 22. That supposed to mean it's my whole life?
- 23. It's not my whole life. It's not my whole life,
that's right. It's yours, but not mine.
- 24. Jerry, it's me! I love you!
- 25. Don't go, Jerry! No! No!
- 26. Will you stop shoving, please?
Will you stop pushing?
- 27. I'm not gonna take this, Jerry! No!
- 28. Jerry! Jerry!
- 29. Please.
- 30. Okay! Stand back! Stand back!
Please let Mr. Langford get some air!
- 31. Didn't you get my message?
- 32. Come on, people.
- 33. Jerry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to disturb you.
I just wanna talk to you for a minute.
- 34. - This is not the time.
- If we could just drive away.
- 35. You can drop me off anywhere.
- 36. No, I have a very strict rule
about people getting in the car.
- 37. I hate to bring this up, and I don't mean to be
rude, but I did put myself on the line for you.
- 38. - Go ahead, Harvey. Hit it.
- Jerry! Jerry!
- 39. Here.
- 40. Thanks.
- 41. - Is that your initials?
- 42. I just wanna tell you,
my name is Rupert Pupkin.
- 43. I know the name doesn't mean very much
to you, but it means an awful lot to me, and...
- 44. - Calm down. Take your time.
- I'm a little nervous.
- 45. You might have wondered who I am.
I've been outside your show many times.
- 46. I'm in communications now, but the point I'm
trying to make is, by nature I'm a comedian.
- 47. You're gonna say, "Not another one."
But, believe me, I'm very good. I'm dynamite.
- 48. I wouldn't take one minute of your time
if I wasn't convinced I'm dynamite.
- 49. You're probably wondering, "If he's so good,
how come he hasn't caught my act?"
- 50. That's a very good question,
and I'll tell you why. You know why?
- 51. I've been biding my time, slowly and
carefully, so that when my big break came...
- 52. Like the night when Jack Paar got sick?
Your big break?
- 53. That was the night that convinced me
I wanted to be a comedian.
- 54. I walked out of that show
like I was in a dream.
- 55. After that, I caught
all your guest appearances on Sullivan.
- 56. I studied everything you did. The way
you built to your one-liners, nice and relaxed.
- 57. How you delivered the jokes
without leaning too much on them.
- 58. How you didn't say,
"Hey, folks, here's the punch line."
- 59. You know, Jerry?
You know what I'm talking about?
- 60. You don't say, "Folks, here's the punch line."
You just do the punch line.
- 61. Exactly. That's what I loved
about what you did.
- 62. So, what I'm trying to say is that,
you see, now I'm ready.
- 63. I'm ready, and I've finished the course.
- 64. And I'm thinking as I'm sitting here now,
maybe this is my big break, my big chance.
- 65. You know what I mean?
- 66. What do you think?
- 67. - What'd you say your name was?
- Rupert Pupkin.
- 68. All right, look, pal. Gotta tell you...
- 69. this is a crazy business, but it's not unlike
any other business. There are ground rules.
- 70. You don't just walk on
to a network show without experience.
- 71. It's an old hackneyed expression, but it's
the truth: you've got to start at the bottom.
- 72. - That's where I am, at the bottom.
- That's a perfect place to start.
- 73. I know that, but there's gotta be a...
- 74. Ah, it looks so simple to the viewer at home,
those things that come so easily...
- 75. that are so relaxed and look like
it's a matter of just taking another breath.
- 76. It takes years and years and years
of honing that and working it and...
- 77. There's only one problem.
I don't mean to interrupt you. I'm 34 years old.
- 78. That's why I'm asking you if you'll listen to
my act and tell me what you think about it.
- 79. I'll tell you what.
Why don't you call my office?
- 80. - All right, okay. I could do that.
- You ask for Cathy Long. She's my secretary.
- 81. - And we'll make time to listen to you.
- 82. You know how many times
I've had this conversation in my head?
- 83. - Did it always turn out this way?
- Yeah, it did, heh.
- 84. I really believe this. I think once you get over
the initial shyness, you're gonna be okay.
- 85. - Yeah?
- 86. - I hope it works out for you.
- Thanks, Jerry. Thanks a lot.
- 87. It's a pleasure meeting you, Jerry.
- 88. Jerry?
- 89. I'm short on cash, but if you don't mind just
appetizers, I'll take you to dinner sometime.
- 90. I got people waiting. I don't know
what my schedule is. Maybe we can.
- 91. Thanks, Jerry, thanks.
- 92. Jerry! Jerry.
- 93. Let me show you a picture
of my pride and joy.
- 94. - That's good. It is.
- That's good, isn't it?
- 95. Hey, Jerry, take it.
- 96. Take it. Go ahead. Take it.
Consider it a gift. It'll work for you.
- 97. - I will.
- Not that you need the help, heh.
- 98. Jerry. Seriously,
you ever want lunch, my treat.
- 99. - Call my office.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- 100. Okay. Jerry, you're a prince.
- 101. Hey, Rupe, before I forget,
I really appreciate you meeting me for lunch.
- 102. I know how busy you are
and how tired you are.
- 103. What are friends for, Jerry?
- 104. You're the one who looks tired.
- 105. Yeah, I know. It's the show.
- 106. The pressure, the ratings,
the same guests, same questions.
- 107. - I'm just not enjoying it anymore.
- That's... the worst.
- 108. Listen, I really wish
you would think about it again, okay?
- 109. You're starting again.
You're starting up again.
- 110. - It's not that big a deal to think.
- I am thinking. I'm thinking.
- 111. That's all I do, is think day and night.
- 112. How can I not think about it?
I'm here at lunch with you...
- 113. which I knew was the reason
you invited me...
- 114. and all I'm sitting here for
is to get guilty with you, right?
- 115. I'm asking you to take over the show
for six weeks. I mean, what's six weeks?
- 116. Anything, but don't ask me to do six weeks.
I can't take over the show for six weeks.
- 117. I can't even take over
my own life for six weeks.
- 118. And you're asking me to do
something that's impossible!
- 119. - It's impossible.
- 120. - What?
- What are you doing down there so late?
- 121. It's impossible! I'm trying to tell you that.
You want the tears to come out of my eyes?
- 122. There's gotta be a way you can work it out.
It's just six weeks.
- 123. Excuse me, uh, Mr. Pupkin?
Do you think you could?
- 124. Yeah.
- 125. - Sure. What's your name, dear?
- 126. Dolores? That was my father's name.
- 127. "To Dolores, who sensed greatness."
- 128. There you go, sweetheart.
- 129. - Thanks, Mr. Pupkin.
- Don't mention it.
- 130. Rupert! Rupert, who are you talking to?
- 131. - Mom!
- What is it?
- 132. Please stop calling me!
- 133. It's terrific. It's great.
There's only one problem, though.
- 134. - He made you bigger.
- Will you give me an answer?
- 135. All right, you got the six weeks.
I'll give you the six weeks.
- 136. Don't bother me. I'll give you six weeks.
What can I say? Are you happy now?
- 137. You're a tough man, Rupe.
- 138. You gotta be in this business.
- 139. - Hello.
- Hello. It's Masha, Jerry.
- 140. - Did you get my note?
- Who is this?
- 141. It's Masha. Did you get the note?
I left it on the back seat.
- 142. I dropped it there before
they dragged me out of the car.
- 143. Those guys really hurt me.
I think that was a bit much. I really do.
- 144. - How did you get this number?
- Don't be angry with me, Jerry.
- 145. - I said, how did you get this number?
- I didn't know what else to do.
- 146. How have you been, Rita?
- 147. - Do I know you?
- I think you might.
- 148. Rupert.
- 149. - Rupert Pupkin, right?
- 150. I brought you a little present.
- 151. Oh, yeah. I remember. Mr. Romance, heh.
- 152. Put an aspirin in that. It'll last longer.
- 153. So, what are you up to these days?
- 154. You're looking as beautiful as ever, Rita.
- 155. Well, here I am.
Local cheerleader makes good.
- 156. You know, it's funny, but I...
I, uh, voted for you, Most Beautiful.
- 157. - Did you? That was sweet.
- I didn't have the nerve to tell you then, but...
- 158. Yeah, now you can tell me.
It's okay, we're both adults.
- 159. When you're younger,
you're afraid to say those things...
- 160. but when you get older, 15-, 20 years later...
- 161. you can say all those things
that you should have said 15-, 20 years ago.
- 162. Isn't that the final irony of life? Isn't it?
- 163. I guess.
- 164. Are you happy in this place, Rita?
- 165. - Why? You got something better?
- 166. - Oh, really? Like what?
- Well, what are you doing tonight?
- 167. - What am I doing tonight?
- Yeah. What's so funny?
- 168. It only took you 15 years to ask me for a date.
Don't you think it's a little late?
- 169. Really? Well...
- 170. Waiter? Can I have a fresh one?
- 171. Rita.
- 172. Who is your favorite movie star?
- 173. This some kind of a game? You gonna tell me
something about my character, my future?
- 174. You'll see. Tell me.
Everybody has a favorite movie star.
- 175. Well, I better come up with somebody
or we'll never get out of here, right?
- 176. - That's a little test, heh.
- Let's see. Marilyn Monroe.
- 177. Perfect.
- 178. Talent register, huh?
- 179. That's her name.
- 180. She signed this when she was in New York
on her publicity tour for The Misfits.
- 181. - That was her last movie, you know.
- 182. She wasn't a great actress,
but she did have a real gift for comedy.
- 183. She died tragically alone, like many
of the world's most beautiful women.
- 184. I don't wanna see that happening to you.
- 185. - Who's this?
- Burt Reynolds.
- 186. - This?
- Mel Brooks.
- 187. He's what you call "on" funny.
Others are just regular.
- 188. That's Sid Caesar. He's remarkable.
I really like him. He's great.
- 189. Woody Allen. He's a personal friend of mine.
- 190. - Of course he is.
- Ha, ha. No, he is.
- 191. That's Ernie Kovacs. He was wonderful.
- 192. He was a great comedian, a great
innovator, and it was a great, great loss.
- 193. Oh, I bet some of these are worth money.
- 194. Oh, yeah. Especially this one. Just hold it.
- 195. - Who's this?
- Well, just take a guess.
- 196. - Heh, it looks like a retard wrote this.
- 197. The more scribbled the name,
the bigger the fame.
- 198. That might be true, Rupert, but who is it?
- 199. "R" is the first letter.
- 200. - Come on, Rupert. Who is it? I'm tired.
- Well, I'll give you a little hint.
- 201. - R?
- Robert Redford.
- 202. No.
- 203. No, no.
- 204. That's Rupert Pupkin.
- 205. Rupert Pupkin.
- 206. I surprised you, didn't I?
- 207. Take this as a gift.
- 208. Take good care of that. In a few weeks,
everyone's gonna want one.
- 209. Rupert, you have not changed.
- 210. Just a couple of hours ago,
do you know who I was talking to? Guess.
- 211. - Your shrink?
- Heh, that's very funny.
- 212. No. Jerry Langford.
That's right. The Jerry Langford.
- 213. He gave me the go-ahead, Rita.
- 214. You know what? Don't tell anyone yet, but
you're looking at the new King of Comedy.
- 215. Why not me? Why not?
- 216. A guy can get anything he wants,
as long as he pays the price.
- 217. What's so funny about that?
I mean, crazier things have happened.
- 218. You don't understand
what a shot on Langford means.
- 219. That's coast-to-coast national TV...
- 220. a bigger audience than the greatest
comedians played to in a whole lifetime.
- 221. A shot at a free ticket on the comedy circuit.
- 222. A comedy show of my own.
The Rupert Pupkin Show. Everything.
- 223. All that leads in one direction: Hollywood.
- 224. A beach house in Malibu on the ocean.
And we'll keep a suite at the Sherry.
- 225. Everybody stays there when they make it big.
Up top, so we can look down and yell:
- 226. "Hey, tough luck, suckers!
Better luck next time."
- 227. Come on. What do you say?
- 228. It sounds wonderful, Rupert,
and I wish you the best of luck.
- 229. But it's getting late and I'm a working girl.
I gotta go home.
- 230. I don't get you.
Here I am offering you a way out.
- 231. Rita, every king needs a queen.
- 232. I want you to be mine.
- 233. This is a nice street. Nice building.
- 234. - Thanks for your jacket, Rupert.
- 235. I guess you're entitled
to come up and have some coffee.
- 236. Oh, no, I wouldn't wanna impose, really.
- 237. - I know I can be...
- What do you want, Rupert?
- 238. What?
- 239. - What do you want?
- What do I want?
- 240. Rita, you still don't understand? I love you.
- 241. I wanna help change your life,
if you'll just give me a chance.
- 242. What if I set something up
between me, you and Jerry?
- 243. What if we went out to dinner one night?
What do you think?
- 244. You know what's even better?
We'll go to his summer house for a weekend.
- 245. - He wouldn't wanna meet me.
- That's not true.
- 246. Jerry is a very nice guy.
- 247. He's a very, very nice guy,
and we had a terrific meeting.
- 248. You shouldn't sell yourself short. You have
too little faith, and you're a wonderful person.
- 249. Why don't you go to sleep
and get a good night's rest, okay?
- 250. Okay.
- 251. - Good night, Rupert.
- Good night.
- 252. Go to sleep right away.
- 253. I'll tell you, boy.
- 254. Hi, Liza. Good seeing you.
- 255. Jerry, good seeing you. Jerry. Don't get up.
- 256. Ah, oh, boy, I'll tell you.
- 257. Every time you come back from a tour...
- 258. there must be something in the air
or the tour, it really becomes you.
- 259. It's like you become rejuvenated.
I don't know what it is.
- 260. Isn't that so, everybody? Isn't that so?
- 261. Heh, that's the truth. I'll tell you.
It's amazing. You look wonderful.
- 262. Yeah, I know. You look wonderful too, Jerry.
I wasn't leaving you out, heh.
- 263. What? Yeah!
- 264. Oh, Jerry. I love this guy.
Always coming up with these great lines.
- 265. I love him. I love him.
He's wonderful. You're wonderful.
- 266. I don't know what I'd do without you.
- 267. Rupert! The bus is here.
It's early. Try to be on time for once!
- 268. I can't believe this. Ha, ha, I gotta go now.
Yeah, I gotta catch a bus.
- 269. Jerry, take care of yourself.
Baby, be good. Good luck in Rio.
- 270. - Good morning, Rupert.
- Good morning.
- 271. - How are you?
- This is for you.
- 272. Work.
- 273. - What time is it?
- It's 10:00.
- 274. Is it 10 o'clock?
Could I use the phone for one second?
- 275. - Is it local?
- 276. Sure. Just dial 9 first, and make it short.
- 277. Hello. Jerry Langford, please.
- 278. Rupert Pupkin.
- 279. Thank you.
- 280. Yes, uh, is Jerry there, please?
- 281. Yes.
- 282. Well, just tell him it's Rupert calling,
and he'll know what it's about. Thank you.
- 283. Oh. Oh, he is? Well, that's okay.
I'm in a meeting myself.
- 284. Uh, just tell him I called. Thank you very much.
And I'll call later. Thank you. Bye.
- 285. Was that the Jerry Langford?
- 286. - I'll see you, Roberta.
- 287. Hello. Jerry Langford, please.
- 288. Yes, Rupert Pupkin calling.
Jerry Langford, please.
- 289. Which, the first name or the second name?
- 290. P-U-P-K-l-N. It's often mispronounced
and misspelled, so that's why... Yes.
- 291. Jerry knows I'm calling.
He knows what it's about. Sure.
- 292. I see, I see. I see. Yes, you can call me.
- 293. I'll be here for the next hour and a half.
- 294. I'm at my office, and the number is JL5-4321.
- 295. I am waiting for a phone call.
It'll only take a few minutes.
- 296. - All these phones don't work.
- The phone does not work.
- 297. I cannot make a call. I am expecting a call.
- 298. - Let me try. I'll make a call.
- It doesn't work.
- 299. Wait. Let me just slide in and make a call.
Let me just make a call.
- 300. - It's important.
- This phone don't work either!
- 301. I can't do that. Because
we're gonna be working late. Hold on.
- 302. - Yes, sir?
- Yes, Jerry Langford, please.
- 303. - Your name, please?
- Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin.
- 304. - Rupert?
- Pupkin. P-U-P-K-l-N.
- 305. People often misspell it and mispronounce it.
- 306. There's a man here by the name of Rupert
Pumpkin who wants to see Mr. Langford.
- 307. I'm sorry, Mr. Pumpkin, but Mr. Langford's
secretary has no record of your appointment.
- 308. Pardon me?
- 309. We have no record of your appointment.
- 310. Oh, well, technically speaking,
I don't have an official appointment...
- 311. but he did ask me to call him personally,
and I was in the neighborhood.
- 312. I was having trouble calling for some reason.
- 313. The line seemed to be busy.
- 314. He has no appointment.
- 315. His secretary wants to know
what this is in reference to.
- 316. - Mr. Gangemi, go right in.
- 317. Yes. Jerry and I discussed my being on
the show last night. He told me to call. Yes.
- 318. No, sure, sure. Sure.
- 319. I'm supposed to wait.
- 320. Is that cork?
- 321. I don't know what it is. Is it dripping on you?
- 322. No. I was looking at the patterns.
- 323. You know, cork is good for sound.
- 324. It's very quiet in here.
- 325. Reception.
- 326. No, you got an hour or so
before they come in. Yeah.
- 327. He hasn't come back from the meeting yet.
- 328. - Mr. Pipkin?
- 329. - Sorry. I'm Cathy Long. Can I help you?
- You are?
- 330. I'm Bert Thomas's assistant.
He's our executive producer.
- 331. Oh, I'm sorry. I've already spoken to Jerry
directly about my being on the show.
- 332. He told me to get in touch with him personally.
I'm here to follow up on that.
- 333. - What is it exactly that you do?
- I stand-up comic.
- 334. - Oh. Where are you working now?
- Right now I'm working on new material.
- 335. Well, as soon as you do start working again,
why don't you give us a call...
- 336. and we'll send someone
to check out your act. Thanks.
- 337. - Jerry and I went over this last night.
- Does Jerry know your work?
- 338. Yes. I don't think he does.
- 339. - Do you have a tape I could listen to?
- A tape? Oh, naturally. Whatever you'd like.
- 340. - Why don't you drop me by a tape?
- I will. I can see where Jerry would need that.
- 341. - Of course. Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you too.
- 342. This is really what's right.
- 343. This is great. This is...
- 344. See you again. Nice talking to you. Bye.
- 345. Rupert. Hey, Rupert.
- 346. I gotta talk to you.
What happened last night in the car?
- 347. - Did he talk about me?
- No, he didn't.
- 348. - He talked about me, as a matter of fact.
- He must've said something about me.
- 349. What's he gonna say about you
after what you did in the car last night?
- 350. - You must be really loving this.
- You were schmucko supremo last night.
- 351. Hold on a minute. I'm the schmuck? Me?
You're wrong, buddy. You're very wrong.
- 352. If I hadn't gotten in that car, you'd never
even have had the chance to talk to Jerry.
- 353. What? I don't wanna be cruel,
but we're in front of Jerry's building.
- 354. God forbid he should see me with you.
Jerry and I have a real relationship.
- 355. No fantasy world. After what you did last night,
I don't even wanna see you anymore.
- 356. Fine! That's the way you want it?
See if I care! Just get it to him.
- 357. I'm not giving him anything. No way. You're
the one who's so friendly. You give it to him.
- 358. We're having a communication problem,
and I need you to get this to him.
- 359. Is that what you call it? You're always bragging
about how you broke bread with Jerry.
- 360. Just do this for me, Rupert.
I've done things for you.
- 361. You haven't done anything for me.
What are you talking about?
- 362. How about Howard Johnson's? I bought you
food. I bought you coffee night after night.
- 363. You got your mind screwed up.
I bought my own coffee.
- 364. You never bought anything!
- 365. What about things I did for you
that no money can buy?
- 366. What about the time I gave you my spot?
I let you get right next to Jerry!
- 367. I waited for eight hours and you went right
next to him because you were crying to me!
- 368. And what about the time I gave you my last
album of The Best of Jerry? What about that?
- 369. I didn't even ask you for money,
and I can't even pay my rent!
- 370. What are you talking about? I live in a hovel!
And you live in a townhouse!
- 371. I can't believe this girl!
- 372. Here, I got money for you.
- 373. I can't believe how long I've been your friend
and listened to your tired, stale, boring jokes!
- 374. - Here's $900.
- Will you be quiet?
- 375. Take this and give it to Jerry.
- 376. All right, this is the last time.
This is the last time.
- 377. - When are you gonna get it to him?
- You're a wacko.
- 378. You make sure. I'll know if you don't.
I know where you are, where Jerry is!
- 379. I cover the waterfront! Remember that!
- 380. What are you looking at? Beat it!
You scum! You're street trash!
- 381. First, Miss Long, thank you for your help
at the office and for passing this on to Jerry.
- 382. I appreciate it more than you know.
- 383. Jerry, thank you for listening to this material
and for the opportunity you've given me.
- 384. Lots of people think that guys like you,
people who've made it...
- 385. lose their feeling for struggling
young talent such as myself.
- 386. But now I know from experience
that those people are just cynics...
- 387. embittered by their own failure.
- 388. I know, Jerry, that you are as human
as the rest of us, if not more so.
- 389. No point in going on about it.
You know how I feel.
- 390. So let's get on with the show,
The Best of Rupert Pupkin.
- 391. Jerry, I've sketched out this little outline
in order to save you a bit of time.
- 392. It's a little introduction. So close your eyes
and imagine it's exactly 6:00.
- 393. You're standing in the wings, and we hear
the orchestra strike up your theme song.
- 394. And now from
New York, it's The Jerry Langford Show...
- 395. with Jerry's guests:
Richard Pryor, Ben Gazzara...
- 396. Elizabeth Ashley, Carol Burnett...
- 397. And the comedy find of the year,
making his television debut...
- 398. - ... Rupert Pupkin, the new King of Comedy!
- Rupert! Rupert!
- 399. Are you crazy? What's the matter with you?
- 400. - Come on, Mom!
- People are sleeping. Lower it!
- 401. - What's the matter with you?
- 402. - Take it easy. Lower it.
- I'm not gonna lower it! I have to do this now!
- 403. I don't mind you playing it, but lower it.
- 404. Now, you come on, Jerry,
and do your monologue.
- 405. When the time comes, this is how I see you
introducing me. Something like this:
- 406. "Will you please give your warmest welcome
to the newest King of Comedy...
- 407. Rupert Pupkin!"
- 408. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Rupert Pupkin.
- 409. I was born in Clifton, New Jersey...
- 410. Is there anyone here from Clifton?
- 411. But the fact is that no one's allowed to be...
- 412. Because once you fall
below a certain level...
- 413. - Mr. Pipkin.
- 414. - Pupkin. Sorry.
- You'll get it right one of these days.
- 415. - I'll bet you have a tape for me.
- Right here.
- 416. Got your name on it? We'll listen to it
and get it back to you as soon as we can.
- 417. Thank you very much. When Jerry
finds a moment. Good. When will that be?
- 418. Uh...
- 419. Actually, you can try me tomorrow. We might
know something by then. Otherwise, Monday.
- 420. Monday?
- 421. Hmm. Miss Long, what I might do is just wait
here a while. Maybe Jerry'll find a minute.
- 422. You're wasting your time.
We won't know until tomorrow at the earliest.
- 423. That's all right. I don't mind.
I'm not wasting my time. I'm glad to do it.
- 424. It's important to me, so I really don't mind.
- 425. - It'll probably be Monday.
- 426. Well, I'll still wait.
- 427. Really, I don't mind. It's okay.
- 428. I'll tell you what. Why don't you try me
tomorrow afternoon for sure?
- 429. - Tomorrow? What time tomorrow?
- 430. - Four thirty.
- Four thirty. I'll be here. Thank you.
- 431. - You're welcome.
- And thank Jerry.
- 432. - I will.
- 433. Goodbye.
- 434. Goodbye.
- 435. At least once in his life
every man is a genius.
- 436. And, Rupe, it's gonna be
more than once in your life for you.
- 437. It's gonna be a number of times,
because you've got it.
- 438. From what I've heard here,
you've got it and you're stuck with it.
- 439. I don't care if you wanted to get rid of it,
you couldn't. It's always gonna be there.
- 440. Now, I know there's no formula for it.
I just don't know how you do it.
- 441. And I'm not curious, mind you,
because I wanna use the material.
- 442. I'm just curious to know how you do it.
I really have to ask you. How do you do it?
- 443. I think it's that I look at my whole life,
and I see the awful, terrible things in my life...
- 444. and turn it into something funny.
- 445. It just happens.
- 446. Were the first few one-liners strong enough?
- 447. If they were any stronger, you'd hurt yourself.
They're marvelous. Leave them alone.
- 448. I remember a man... A man said...
Listen to me. Listen to me.
- 449. A man said something very profound
some years ago, which I later originated.
- 450. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
You wanna know how I know it's so good?
- 451. - Yes.
- Because I envy you. I hate you, but I envy you.
- 452. Because it's purity, it's marvelous,
it's humor based on you.
- 453. No one else could do it but you.
I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't lie to you, Rupe.
- 454. Now, look, this weekend would be a perfect
time for you to come out to the house...
- 455. if you care to, and we can hash it around.
Only because I wanna know how you do it.
- 456. There'll be people there,
but we can still work.
- 457. - It sounds great.
- 458. - I would really like to come.
- 459. Could I bring somebody?
- 460. - A young lady?
- A very special young lady.
- 461. Of course. I'd like to meet her.
- 462. - Heh, hey, Jerry, how you doing?
- How are you?
- 463. - You're looking good.
- You should see me in my white taffeta.
- 464. - You're doing some great shows, Jerry.
- Thanks a lot.
- 465. - How about putting me on your show?
- Yeah. I could've used you last night.
- 466. Come on down!
- 467. - Hi, Jerry. How are you?
- Hi there.
- 468. Morris, you will not believe
who's coming down here.
- 469. Jerry Langford, right?
Morris, please hold on.
- 470. Jerry, could you please
sign my magazine for me?
- 471. You're just wonderful.
I've watched you your entire career.
- 472. Would you say something to my nephew
Morris on the phone? He's in the hospital.
- 473. - I'm sorry. I'm late.
- I hope you get cancer!
- 474. Jerry?
- 475. I can't. I'm late.
- 476. Yes, sir? Oh, hi.
- 477. - Hi. How are you?
- Not bad.
- 478. Good, good. I'm fine.
- 479. - Can I help you?
- Yes. I'd like to see Jerry, please.
- 480. You are?
- 481. Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin.
- 482. Mr. Potkin is here. That's right.
- 483. Okay.
- 484. She'll be with you in a minute.
- 485. - Who's that?
- Miss Long.
- 486. Oh, well, I'd prefer to see Jerry.
- 487. Miss Long will take care of you.
- 488. Okay. I'll wait right here.
- 489. And as a surprise to Rupert
for being on the show with us tonight...
- 490. we'd like to present to you someone
in a form that we've never presented before.
- 491. A mystery guest. Would you please welcome
our mystery guest? Let's hear it for him.
- 492. Jerry, this is the mystery guest?
- 493. This is the mystery guest.
- 494. Let me see if I can place him.
I think I know.
- 495. - Don't you remember me?
- No, I don't.
- 496. - I'm George Kapp.
- George Kapp. My high-school principal!
- 497. - You guessed it.
- Well, how are you?
- 498. You used to fail me. What do you have him
on the show for? He's an enemy, heh.
- 499. - Only because you deserved it.
- Oh, thank you.
- 500. But I'm a justice of the peace now.
- 501. - I perform weddings.
- Do you?
- 502. Jerry.
- 503. Jerry, what are you doing?
I can't believe this.
- 504. Believe it. It's part of the surprise.
- 505. How would the audience like to see the King
of Comedy marry his queen on the show?
- 506. I can't believe it. I don't know what to say!
- 507. He's too much. He's too much.
- 508. Dearly beloved, when Rupert here
was a student at Clifton High School...
- 509. none of us...
Myself, his teachers, his classmates.
- 510. - dreamt that he would amount
to a hill of beans.
- 511. But we were wrong.
And you, Rupert, you were right.
- 512. And that's why tonight,
before the entire nation...
- 513. we'd like to apologize to you personally...
- 514. and to beg your forgiveness for...
- 515. For all the things we did to you.
- 516. And we'd like to thank you
personally, all of us...
- 517. for the meaning you've given our lives.
- 518. Please accept our warmest wishes,
Rita and Rupert...
- 519. for a long and successful reign together.
- 520. We'll be back to marry them
right after this word.
- 521. Mr. Pupkin.
- 522. - How are you today?
- I'm fine.
- 523. Good, good.
- 524. I wanna thank you for your tape.
We listened to it with great interest.
- 525. Oh, good. I'm glad.
- 526. We see a lot of good things
in what you're doing.
- 527. We think you have potential, which is why
I'm gonna be absolutely honest with you.
- 528. That's the way you should be.
- 529. - We don't think you're ready yet.
- Don't think I'm ready.
- 530. - We don't feel that you're right for Jerry.
- Right for Jerry. Mm-hm.
- 531. Some of the material is good, but some of the
one-liners, for instance, are not very strong.
- 532. They're not very strong. You didn't
like some of the jokes. Is that it?
- 533. - That's right.
- Good. I can take care of that.
- 534. Just tell me the ones you don't like, and
no problem. Actually, that's a great help. Great.
- 535. We think you have a good potential.
Your timing is excellent.
- 536. But you should keep developing your act.
- 537. You ought to test it in a few live situations.
I think that'd be very good for you.
- 538. There are a number of clubs that you can try.
- 539. When you start working in one of those,
give us a call. We'll send someone down.
- 540. - Thanks.
- You're welcome. Bye-bye.
- 541. Thank you.
- 542. Miss Long, may I ask you a question?
Are you speaking for Jerry?
- 543. - Yes, I am.
- You are?
- 544. - He has complete faith in our judgment.
- Well, I'm sorry to have to say this.
- 545. But I have to tell you,
I don't have faith in your judgment.
- 546. I'm sorry that you feel that way. But I guess
there's nothing we can do about that.
- 547. No, I'll have to disagree
with you again, Miss Long.
- 548. That's your privilege, Mr. Pupkin.
- 549. Now, would you excuse me?
I have a great many things to do.
- 550. Miss Long, when will Jerry be back?
- 551. Mr. Langford won't be in
until very late this afternoon.
- 552. Mr. Pupkin, we mean what we say
when we thank you for stopping up.
- 553. And we mean it when we tell you
that you can call us when you start working.
- 554. - Goodbye.
- 555. Is there anyone else you'd like to see?
- 556. No. That's all right.
- 557. I don't mind waiting.
- 558. Which reminds me about the man who waited
so long, he forgot what he was waiting for.
- 559. Well, would you mind
waiting outside, Mr. Pupnick?
- 560. This is a reception area, not a waiting room.
- 561. I understand.
- 562. - Did you ask him to leave?
- Yeah, but he won't go.
- 563. - What's his name?
- Rupert Pumpkin.
- 564. Hi. I'm Raymond Wirtz, in charge of security
for the Langford organization.
- 565. Why don't we go outside and talk?
Is this your bag?
- 566. Yes. I'm waiting for Jerry. It's personal.
- 567. - We'll talk about that outside.
- I know he's expecting me.
- 568. Listen, we'll talk about that outside.
Please take your bag.
- 569. I'll explain company policy
to you on the way, okay?
- 570. Now, I'm pretty sure you understand
that we have certain rules here...
- 571. that are essential to the smooth functioning
of our operation. Right?
- 572. - If I could just say that...
- Now, just listen, please. Okay?
- 573. And that without these rules, we really
wouldn't be able to function at our best.
- 574. - You follow my point?
- I get the point, except...
- 575. - Please, Mr. Puffer.
- After you.
- 576. - After you, sir, please.
- If I could just say that Jerry is...
- 577. Just listen to me. I checked with Miss Long.
You do not have an appointment.
- 578. Now, company policy
is that only authorized personnel...
- 579. and those persons with official business
with our organization...
- 580. are permitted on our premises.
- 581. In other words, you want me
to leave the building?
- 582. - Well? Did you get it to him?
- 583. - Did you get my letter to him?
- He's not in there, okay?
- 584. Now that you're so in with him,
you can't do me a favor? Don't bother.
- 585. Just give me the letter.
I'll find somebody else.
- 586. - He wasn't there.
- I saw him go in myself.
- 587. - Who?
- 588. - He's up there right now. Wanna see him?
- That's impossible.
- 589. They assured me that he was out.
- 590. - And you believed them?
- 591. You're so naive.
I would expect that from you.
- 592. So inexperienced. You're such a chump.
- 593. - He went up there just now?
- Of course. Go back up.
- 594. Assert yourself a little bit.
He's up there right now.
- 595. Oh, no.
- 596. - Would you tell Jerry I'm here?
- I'm sorry, he's not in.
- 597. - I know he is. Would you tell him I'm here?
- I'm sorry, he's not in.
- 598. You're putting your job on the line, lady.
You hear me?
- 599. Security.
- 600. You too.
- 601. Mr. Pupkin, what are you doing here?
- 602. Mr. Pupkin?
- 603. Mr. Pupkin.
- 604. Get security on the telephone.
- 605. There he goes.
- 606. Hold on. Grab his other arm.
Hold on to him.
- 607. Right. All right, right out the door.
- 608. You wouldn't listen, huh?
- 609. Jerry? Jerry?
- 610. - Nobody's gonna help you.
- You're gonna have a lot of explaining to do.
- 611. - You had your warning, Krupkin.
- My lawyer'll be calling you.
- 612. Make sure he gets my name right.
- 613. - Say goodbye to our guest, Miss Long.
- Wait till Jerry hears about this.
- 614. I will mention your name to Jerry, Pupper.
- 615. Listen good, because if we see
your face again, we're gonna call the police.
- 616. Thank you. Thank you very much, heh, heh.
- 617. Terrific. I suppose
that you got the letter to him?
- 618. - No, but I'll get it later.
- 619. - You just got thrown out of the building.
- I didn't get thrown out.
- 620. - What do you call that?
- I didn't.
- 621. Excuse me.
I wasn't thrown out of the building.
- 622. - You're a constant embarrassment.
- They walked me outside.
- 623. - You can't handle the simplest things.
- I'll tell you something else. I'm going...
- 624. - Jerry invited me for the weekend.
- Great. I'll go with you.
- 625. Do I look okay?
- 626. - Wonderful.
- Does this look all right?
- 627. - That, I'm not sure about.
- What do you mean?
- 628. - You look wonderful.
- What's wrong with it?
- 629. Nothing. I just don't think you need it.
- 630. - You don't think it looks nice on me?
- No, it looks wonderful.
- 631. Hello.
- 632. - You must be Jonno.
- Uh, yes.
- 633. My name is Rupert Pupkin
and this is Rita Keane.
- 634. - Would you let Jerry know we're here?
- Mr. Langford asked you to come?
- 635. No, we just thought we'd drop in
uninvited for the weekend.
- 636. Come on in. We'll be staying
in separate rooms. The blue bag is mine.
- 637. - But Mr. Langford's not here.
- Where is he? Out playing golf?
- 638. - Yes.
- Yes, of course.
- 639. - I hope he's finally gonna break 100.
- A hundred?
- 640. - Perhaps better you come back.
- No, we'll just wait.
- 641. - But Mr. Langford is not here.
- That's okay. We'll just wait.
- 642. That's okay. We don't mind waiting.
- 643. Isn't this lovely?
- 644. Table's only set for one.
- 645. - How do you like it?
- I could live here.
- 646. Mr. Langford, I'm sorry to disturb you, sir.
- 647. Uh, what's wrong? Everything's wrong.
There are a couple over here.
- 648. His name is Pumpkin. Pumpkin, yes.
Do you know a name Pumpkin?
- 649. Didn't you tell him what time we'd get here?
- 650. We didn't have time to iron out the details.
We're the first guests.
- 651. But that butler wasn't even expecting us.
- 652. Jerry does have more important things
to think about than what to tell his houseboy.
- 653. Really? Well, excuse me.
- 654. He knows everything.
He knew you were playing golf and everything.
- 655. Uh, I don't know what he want. He wanna
spend the weekend over here. Yes.
- 656. And you better come back. He's touching
everything. He's ruining the house.
- 657. And I'm getting a heart attack already.
- 658. Here's a famous one with the youngest clown
in the world, Zippo. Clown for a day.
- 659. Remember this one
with Ray Charles on Jerry's special?
- 660. - That's famous.
- I know. There it is.
- 661. Here's a famous one
when he was a kid, 12 years old.
- 662. Someone sent this in as a part of the show,
"I Knew You When" section.
- 663. They thought they were playing a joke.
Now Jerry shows it to everyone on the show.
- 664. If I should take a notion...
- 665. Let's get a little life into this place.
It's like a funeral parlor.
- 666. Jump off into the ocean
- 667. You should really turn that off.
You shouldn't put that on. It's not polite.
- 668. - How about a little spin, handsome?
- We shouldn't be dancing.
- 669. - A little fun never hurt anybody.
- What if Jerry walks in?
- 670. He'll be happy to see us having a good time.
- 671. - What if he walks in?
- So? You're his friend. He won't mind.
- 672. Ain't nobody's business if I do
- 673. Oh, one day...
- 674. - I wonder what the rest of this place is like.
- Well, I'm sure it's very nice.
- 675. No, Rita, I wouldn't go up there.
- 676. - Rita? Rita?
- Come on.
- 677. I don't think it's a good idea.
- 678. Rita, they're watching us. Rita, I don't think
you have the right to go upstairs.
- 679. Rita, please don't go up there.
- 680. Would you open the goddamn door?
I was standing out there eight minutes.
- 681. What was with the door? Jesus!
Where are they?
- 682. I was gonna call the police,
but I wait for you.
- 683. Hi, Jerry. Hi, Jerry. How are you?
We were just freshening up upstairs.
- 684. Rita, I want you to meet the Jerry Langford.
Jerry, I want you to meet the Rita Keane.
- 685. Come on down. Don't be ashamed.
Attagirl. Come on down.
- 686. What's your pleasure, Jerry?
- 687. It's hot out there. I wanna get something nice
to drink. Jerry, what would you like? Jer?
- 688. Jer?
- 689. Excuse us, but it's not every day
that a girl like Rita meets a man like you.
- 690. I mean, this is part of your success.
You have to live with it.
- 691. How was your golf game? Was it good?
Did you finally break 100?
- 692. - I told them you were not here.
- That's right, he did.
- 693. Yes, they did. They were really very helpful.
- 694. We took an earlier train.
There wasn't anything else until after 1, so...
- 695. Anyway, I brought the work. It's right here.
All ready. All ready and set to go.
- 696. So...
- 697. where is everybody?
- 698. - What everybody?
- Heh, what everybody? The guests, Jer.
- 699. To tell you the truth,
we're getting a little hungry.
- 700. You know I could have
the both of you arrested?
- 701. He could have us arrested.
Of course you could have us arrested.
- 702. There's no way
we can prove that we belong here.
- 703. He's great. When he comes up
with an idea, he's terrific.
- 704. - Really, I never thought of that.
- You should have.
- 705. We can set up a story where you invite all
your friends out and you throw them all in jail!
- 706. That's terrific. That's terrific.
- 707. What's the matter? Lighten up. Let's get
to work on that. After this, of course.
- 708. How did you get here?
- 709. We walked in the door. What do you mean?
What's the matter with you?
- 710. How did you get here?
- 711. I think you're upset.
I'm gonna leave my material here.
- 712. We'll talk later. You've got more
important things to worry about.
- 713. - We'll just stroll around, wait till lunchtime.
- Did anyone ever tell you you're a moron?
- 714. You know, Jerry,
I wanna tell you something.
- 715. Ordinarily I wouldn't allow anybody
to speak that way about Rita.
- 716. But since it's you, I know you're only kidding.
He's a real character.
- 717. - Rupert, he's saying he wants us to go.
- No, he's not saying that.
- 718. Jerry, tell her that. You're not saying that.
He's not saying that at all.
- 719. - Call the station, Jonno.
- Where are you going? Rita?
- 720. There'll be a cab here in five or 10 minutes.
Wait at the gate and use it.
- 721. Why? You going someplace, heh?
- 722. No, you are.
- 723. Did I say something wrong, Jerry? Because
if I did, could we chalk it up to inexperience?
- 724. Rita?
- 725. I have my stuff right here.
We could do it in a half an hour.
- 726. Then you'd have
the rest of the afternoon to yourself.
- 727. I want you out of here. I want you
out of here now. Is that plain enough?
- 728. - I understand.
- Is that clear?
- 729. Yeah, yeah. I understand.
Look, you're tired. That's okay.
- 730. I'm gonna leave the stuff here.
Read it and let me know what you think.
- 731. Don't be so dopey. Use your ears.
The man is telling us to go.
- 732. He is not telling us to go.
Will you stop?
- 733. - Mr. Langford, I knew nothing about this.
- Tell her she's wrong, Jerry.
- 734. I don't even know him. I haven't seen him
in years. He told me you were friends.
- 735. Rita!
- 736. I feel terrible. I'm so humiliated.
If there's anything I can do...
- 737. Don't listen. She works in a bar.
She wants to spoil everything.
- 738. Come on, Rupert. Let's go.
- 739. - Jerry...
- Okay, come on. Come on, come on.
- 740. - Let's go.
- Sorry, Mr. Langford.
- 741. - Here you are. Take your things and go!
- All right, I can take a hint, Jerry.
- 742. I just want you to listen to my stuff
for 15 minutes. Is that asking too much?
- 743. Yes, it is. I have a life, okay?
- 744. - I have a life too.
- That's not my responsibility.
- 745. - It is when you tell me to call you.
- I told you to call to get rid of you!
- 746. - To get rid of me? Okay, I can take a hint.
- That's right.
- 747. If I didn't tell you that, we'd still be
on the steps at my apartment!
- 748. - All right, so I made a mistake.
- So did Hitler!
- 749. All right.
This is the way it is when you're famous.
- 750. - You understand?
- Now I see. That's how you guys are, huh?
- 751. - Not them. Me. Yeah!
- That's how you are.
- 752. - When you reach the top.
- No, I was that way before.
- 753. - Now I know how people like you are.
- Goodbye and good luck!
- 754. Goodbye.
- 755. And, Jerry. Jerry,
I just wanna say one more thing, Jerry.
- 756. I'm glad what you did to me today.
Because now I know I can't rely on anybody.
- 757. Not you, not anybody.
And I shouldn't rely on anybody.
- 758. And you wanna know something else?
I'm gonna work 50 times harder...
- 759. and I'm gonna be 50 times
more famous than you.
- 760. Then you're gonna have idiots like you
plaguing your life!
- 761. That's right. Yes. Come on, Rita.
We're wasting our time. Goodbye, Jerry.
- 762. Jonno, lock that door.
- 763. - You did good, Mr. Langford.
- Thank you.
- 764. It looks real.
- 765. That's the whole point.
- 766. - Is that him?
- 767. - You sure?
- Sure, I'm sure. It looks too much like him.
- 768. - What do you mean?
- When it's him, it doesn't look like him.
- 769. God, it feels like it's taking him forever.
- 770. How much longer?
- 771. It's him.
- 772. Yeah, that's him.
- 773. - Don't go too fast.
- Okay, okay.
- 774. Stay on this side so you're not all over him.
- 775. - I'm getting over as soon as I can.
- Get in the next lane.
- 776. Okay, okay, okay.
- 777. - Not yet. There are too many people.
- I know. I'll keep going.
- 778. He walks in the most crowded areas.
You'd think he'd wanna stay away.
- 779. Well, because he doesn't wanna be alone.
- 780. Why? Tell me why. I know. You tell me why.
- 781. Don't get an attitude with me.
- 782. Explain it to me,
because you know so much about him.
- 783. Fill me in. Let me learn from you.
- 784. All right. Because when he walks
on crowded streets, he feels safe, that's why.
- 785. Is that what it is? Thanks for telling me.
- 786. Okay, go past him and stop.
- 787. Okay, Jerry. Get over. Get in there.
I'm not fooling around.
- 788. - What are you doing? Are you crazy?
- Get in, Jerry. Get in.
- 789. Hi, Jerry.
- 790. Take that.
She's gonna hold a gun on your head.
- 791. Don't make any false moves.
I'd hate to do anything drastic.
- 792. Now, if everything works out, you should be
out of here by the very latest 12-, 12:30.
- 793. Well, maybe 1 -, 1:15 at the very latest.
- 794. What I want you to do is call your producer.
- 795. - Call what?
- Bert Thomas. I want you to call him.
- 796. I'm gonna give you a phone right now.
- 797. Get him on the phone,
and I'll tell you exactly what to say, okay?
- 798. Now, if you don't do it,
I don't know what to say.
- 799. There could be a problem.
- 800. Watch your eyes, Jerry. I'm gonna take
these off now. It's a little bright in here, okay?
- 801. Okay.
- 802. Are these yours?
- 803. - Jerry, these are yours?
- 804. - Do you mind if I have one?
- I don't mind.
- 805. Thank you.
- 806. - Masha, do you want one?
- Save it for me.
- 807. - You want one?
- I'd love one, but will you save it?
- 808. It's a little bit inconvenient at the moment.
Thank you, Rupert.
- 809. - Do you want one?
- 810. I'll just take one for later then.
- 811. There's no reason to get mad.
I'm just trying to ease the tension.
- 812. Even though this is a strange situation...
- 813. there are moments of friendship
and moments of sharing or whatever.
- 814. Okay, let's go.
- 815. Jerry, I mean business.
- 816. Get on the phone.
Let's go. The fun is over.
- 817. Let's go. Come on.
- 818. Bert Thomas, please. Jerry Langford.
- 819. - What happened?
- They hung up.
- 820. Call them again. Why did they hang up?
- 821. Probably thought it was a gag.
We get that all the time.
- 822. Well, I find that strange, you know.
- 823. But it's typical.
Because that's the way they treat even you.
- 824. Because I'll let you in on a little secret.
- 825. That's the way they treated me.
- 826. And now look where we are.
- 827. Bert Thomas.
- 828. Audrey, this is Jerry Langford.
Get Bert Thomas on the phone, and quickly.
- 829. Martino, I know it's you.
I'm too busy for games today.
- 830. Did you hear what I said?
This is Jerry Langford. Now, get Bert Thomas.
- 831. I'm not kidding.
It's not a gag. It's serious. Now, move it!
- 832. - Why don't we have somebody else?
- Like what?
- 833. It's Mr. Langford. He says it's urgent.
- 834. Tell him I'll call him back. I'm busy.
- 835. - It's that Martino kid, the impressionist.
- He's a pain in the neck.
- 836. Will you do what I tell you? And do it quick.
- 837. I'm sorry, Mr. Thomas, he insists on
talking to you. I cannot get rid of him.
- 838. Okay, I'll take it.
- 839. Martino, you know better...
- 840. Bert, I said this is Jerry. Jerry Langford.
And I'm in deep trouble.
- 841. - Now you'd best pay attention.
- Yeah, I am listening, uh...
- 842. Would you give me that again?
- 843. Now, wait a minute.
Uh, I wanna ask you something.
- 844. What do we call our second cameraman?
- 845. We call our second cameraman Helen Keller.
- 846. His favorite color is plaid.
- 847. Helen Keller? Plaid? What is that?
- 848. When someone does
an impression of me on the phone...
- 849. the only way they're gonna know
it's really me is by that clue.
- 850. If I didn't know what we called him,
then he would know it's not me.
- 851. Say no more. I understand.
- 852. Now, listen, Bert. Listen carefully.
- 853. "I have a gun...
- 854. at my head.
- 855. If a man who identifies himself as...
- 856. the King..."
- 857. Card's upside down.
- 858. Sorry.
- 859. "... is not allowed to be the first guest on..."
- 860. You got a blank card there.
- 861. Hold on, Bert. I'm reading from cue cards.
- 862. "... tonight's show...
- 863. you will never see me..."
- 864. Go back.
- 865. "... alive again."
- 866. It's not grammatically correct,
but I think you have the idea.
- 867. It's clear, but let me break in for a minute.
Let me talk to you. Don't do anything silly.
- 868. Okay. I'm okay.
- 869. I'm okay, Bert. Just get it done.
- 870. He wants you to call at 5:00.
I have the private number.
- 871. - They'll do whatever you want.
- Okay, that was very good, Jerry.
- 872. Turn around, let's see how it looks.
- 873. Oh, I love it. I'm sorry.
The sleeves aren't quite right.
- 874. Do you like it on him? What do you think?
- 875. I think it looks pretty good.
- 876. To guess on it and have it turn out like this,
I'm very pleased with it.
- 877. The color's great, and I like to see him
more casual for a change.
- 878. This is a look I like to see on him.
Not so uptight, not so...
- 879. - Okay. I gotta get started here.
- What do you think?
- 880. - It's wonderful. It's very good.
- Be honest with me.
- 881. - I'm being honest.
- Would you wear it?
- 882. I like it. I'm so glad I went with red.
It looks so good on him.
- 883. - It looks good, Jerry.
- Gorgeous. Mm.
- 884. - Come on.
- 885. - Take it off and let's go.
- Oh, okay.
- 886. You want me to take it off?
Why can't he wear it for a little while?
- 887. Will you take it off, please?
- 888. I know he's in a meeting, but this is
an emergency and I gotta talk to him.
- 889. You'll interrupt him,
or I'm gonna come busting into that meeting.
- 890. No. Forget calling me back. I'm on my way.
- 891. Why didn't you listen to the tape when
I asked you to? It wasn't that hard, was it?
- 892. A few minutes of your time to listen to
something that I worked on my whole life.
- 893. If that's what's behind all this, let's go to
my office and we'll play the tape right now.
- 894. Are you crazy? You know what would
happen to me if I went there now?
- 895. - I'm not stupid.
- Nobody's calling you stupid.
- 896. You pulled this off. That makes you smart.
- 897. You know, Jerry,
I'm gonna tell you something.
- 898. Friendship is a two-way street.
- 899. You know that?
And you couldn't have cared less about me.
- 900. Am I gonna hold this till next Shavuoth?
You gonna make some decisions here?
- 901. You gonna knock off
the talking for two minutes?
- 902. When you put the sweater on,
was I bothering you, huh?
- 903. It took one minute.
You have a long night ahead.
- 904. - I have something to say.
- You've got more than enough to say.
- 905. You're driving me nuts. Can you be quiet
for one goddamn minute and let me rest?
- 906. With this gun? You're driving me crazy!
- 907. You have not shut up
since we walked into my house.
- 908. This is my house. This is my domain.
- 909. Jerry is my guest and you're my guest,
and you're lucky to be here!
- 910. You get to change in my house, you get
your head together for the show tonight.
- 911. Why don't you give me a little break?
Why can't you give me a break? Shut up!
- 912. You shut up. I did give you a break.
I listened to you talk about that sweater.
- 913. Worrying about the sleeves, the color.
Did I say anything?
- 914. I didn't make it for you. I made it for Jerry.
It looks fabulous.
- 915. Whose idea was this anyway? If it wasn't
for me, you wouldn't even be here.
- 916. Why didn't you listen to the tape
when I asked you to? Was that so hard to do?
- 917. I'm sure you can understand, doing the kind
of show I'm doing, it's mind-boggling.
- 918. There's so much stuff that comes down,
you can't keep your head clear.
- 919. And if that's the case, I'm wrong.
- 920. You're right, I'm wrong.
If I'm wrong, I apologize.
- 921. I'm just a human being,
with all of the foibles and all of the traps.
- 922. The show, the pressure, the groupies,
the autograph hounds, the crew.
- 923. The incompetents behind the scenes
you think are your friends...
- 924. and you're not sure if you're gonna be there
tomorrow because of them.
- 925. Wonderful pressures that make every day
a glowing, radiant day in your life.
- 926. It's terrific. Okay.
If all of that means nothing...
- 927. if I'm wrong, in spite of all that...
- 928. then I apologize, I'm sorry.
- 929. If you accept my apology, I think we should
shake hands and we'll forget the whole thing.
- 930. I won't press charges. You two could be
in deep trouble, but I will not press charges.
- 931. - Ah, that's easy for you to say, Jerry.
- But I mean it.
- 932. I mean, I'll go to the office
and tell them all it's a gag.
- 933. They'll understand that.
If I tell them it's a gag, they're gonna buy it.
- 934. - And then we'll put the tape on and listen...
- Sit down! I said, sit down.
- 935. You heard what he said.
- 936. Yeah, right. All of a sudden with a gun on him,
he wants to be friends?
- 937. - What happens when he walks out the door?
- What happens then, Jerry?
- 938. - You get to his office, and they jump you.
- Is that what happens, Jerry?
- 939. Not if I tell them not to. They won't jump you.
No one's gonna jump you.
- 940. If I tell them to do something, they do it.
No one's gonna jump you.
- 941. Now, that's the truth.
You have to take my word for it.
- 942. If you think I'm not telling you the truth,
then don't respond.
- 943. If you think I'm telling you the truth,
then let me get the hell out of here.
- 944. - He gives me his word.
- And what else?
- 945. And what else, Jerry?
- 946. There is nothing else. Just my word.
- 947. Isn't my word good enough?
- 948. I'm sorry, Jerry.
- 949. Suppose we tape him, he doesn't talk,
it gets to be 11:30.
- 950. Do we put him on, no matter what?
- 951. You can go ahead and tape him. It, uh, won't
hurt anything. You always can erase it.
- 952. We may learn something from it
and, uh, it'll also buy us time.
- 953. Under no circumstances
will we put this man on the air.
- 954. This lunatic is threatening Jerry's life
and you're not gonna put him on the air?
- 955. Let's not get too excited. I don't think
you understand. We'll tape at 7.
- 956. We won't have to make a decision
about putting him on the air till 11:30.
- 957. This gives us four hours. Hopefully, by that
time, we'll have Mr. Langford back safely.
- 958. Harry, that's it. We're suing. We're going
to sue. We're gonna sue everybody.
- 959. - Who is this man?
- Jerry's lawyer.
- 960. What do you mean, who am I?
I'm the one who's suing. I'm the lawyer.
- 961. - Jay...
- Don't "Jay" me, please. Do me a favor.
- 962. Jay, who are you going to sue?
- 963. You. We're suing you, personally!
- 964. - Who else are you suing?
- The FBI.
- 965. We have a serious situation
and I want it dealt with rationally.
- 966. Unless we start talking politely,
there's gonna be serious consequences.
- 967. There is nothing polite about kidnapping.
It is one of the most stupid offenses ever.
- 968. Where's the defense of kidnapping?
How can you say "I was crazy"?
- 969. "I didn't know what I was doing.
I did it on the spur of the moment"?
- 970. Jay, who cares?
- 971. Only an idiot kidnaps. And only an idiot
decides to do what you guys are doing.
- 972. Jerry, I'm gonna go now.
- 973. Pretty soon you'll be able to go.
About 12..., 12:30, as I said. Have a good time.
- 974. I know you will, heh.
- 975. Bye.
- 976. First of all, we don't know whether
we're dealing with kidnappers or terrorists.
- 977. Terrorists? Terrorists?
What do you mean, terrorists?
- 978. You might have this man go on the air,
deliver a coded message...
- 979. and possibly 50 people around the country
would lose their lives.
- 980. - You're out of your mind!
- I'm not out of my mind.
- 981. That guy is gonna be taped,
and we'll listen to what he says.
- 982. Unless something horrendous is on that tape,
we're gonna put that tape on the air.
- 983. All we're dealing with here is 10 minutes
of talk-show time against a man's life...
- 984. and I don't see that as any argument.
- 985. Hello. How are you today? Well, I'm calling...
- 986. Mr. King calling collect
long distance for Mr. Thomas.
- 987. Mr. Thomas, there's a long-distance call.
- 988. Let's go.
- 989. If this is it, remember, keep him talking.
- 990. Uh, hi, there. Who is this?
- 991. This is Mr. King. I'm calling for Mr. King.
- 992. Uh-huh. Well, you're right on time.
- 993. Yes, of course. We're always punctual.
We're fine, thank you.
- 994. I wanna make it brief, and I wanna tell you...
- 995. Could I break in and ask you,
could I speak to Jerry?
- 996. No, Jerry's not with us. We're at a payphone.
Don't have the call traced.
- 997. I noticed you just did. I heard the sounds.
I do know those sounds.
- 998. It's kind of important, so that we know
that he's in... What'll I say? your care?
- 999. We've taken care of that by bringing along
an article of clothing that you will recognize.
- 1000. It is not as easy as you think just to
walk in the studio, go right on the show...
- 1001. No, Bert... If I could call you, uh...
- 1002. Well, if I could just say, there is no problem.
The material is clean material.
- 1003. - Do you know of Standards and Practices?
- No, but that can be discussed.
- 1004. All I can say is don't have any press leaks.
- 1005. You must keep the audience there until 11:45
or 12:00, after it has been aired nationally.
- 1006. Thank you. We'll discuss the other things.
That's your problem. Nice talking to you.
- 1007. Boy, he's shrewd.
He just, uh, wouldn't buy anything.
- 1008. I feel completely impulsive tonight.
- 1009. Anything... Anything could happen.
- 1010. I have so much to tell you.
I don't know where to start.
- 1011. I wanna tell you everything about myself,
everything you don't know.
- 1012. Do you like these glasses?
Crystal. Beautiful. I bought them just for you.
- 1013. There's something about them.
Just the simplicity of them.
- 1014. But if you don't like them, if there's even
an inkling, even a doubt in your mind...
- 1015. Sometimes during the day
I'll just be doing the simplest things.
- 1016. I'll be taking a bath and I'll say to myself:
- 1017. "Heh, I wonder
if Jerry's taking a bath right now."
- 1018. And I just hope, you know,
you're not drowning or something, heh.
- 1019. I just get really worried about you,
like something terrible's gonna happen.
- 1020. And I have these daydreams
that I'm out with you at the golf course...
- 1021. driving your cart, just driving around.
- 1022. "You need a putter, Jer?" You know?
- 1023. "Need an iron?"
- 1024. I don't even know how to play golf.
I played with my parents once, my dad, but...
- 1025. I love you.
- 1026. I've never told my parents that I love them.
- 1027. They never told me they loved me either,
which was fine with me.
- 1028. But I love you.
- 1029. Want some wine? No? Okay.
- 1030. I'm not in the mood to drink either though.
- 1031. But I'm sure in the mood to be alone with you.
- 1032. Why don't we just clear off the table?
- 1033. I was thinking why don't we go upstairs,
but that's so predictable.
- 1034. Let's just take everything off the table
and do it right here.
- 1035. That would blow your mind. It would blow
my mind. I've never done anything like that.
- 1036. I've never even had anybody over for dinner,
let alone made love on the table.
- 1037. But I just wanna do that. I just wanna dance.
I just wanna, like, put on some Shirelles.
- 1038. I wanna be black.
- 1039. Wouldn't that be insane?
- 1040. God. You know who I wish I was tonight?
- 1041. I wish I was Tina Turner,
just dancing through the room.
- 1042. Thank you. Please have your tickets ready.
- 1043. Good evening.
My name is Clarence McCabe. I'm the writer.
- 1044. - Are these people with you?
- Yes. This is my wife.
- 1045. - These people here?
- Her parents, from Cleveland, Ohio.
- 1046. - I'll check your name, sir.
- I'm gonna be on third.
- 1047. I'll check your name, sir.
- 1048. - I'm sorry, sir. I don't see your name, sir.
- You just went past the M's.
- 1049. I'll go back again for you, sir.
There it is again, sir.
- 1050. Let me just check. This isn't possible.
- 1051. - Did Miss Long call you?
- No, sir, she didn't.
- 1052. She didn't tell you about my book
and that I was gonna be on?
- 1053. - Not according to this list.
- She told me to be here at a quarter to 6.
- 1054. It's now 10 to 6. I've only got 10 minutes.
- 1055. Only authorized personnel are allowed in.
That's the rules and regulations.
- 1056. You never heard of the book?
The Vanishing Siberian Tiger?
- 1057. - Can I call Miss Long?
- You cannot call Miss Long at all.
- 1058. - Can you call Miss Long?
- No, sir.
- 1059. Your name is not on the list, so I cannot
let you in. That's the rules and regulations.
- 1060. - I'm gonna try to get her. Miss Long?
- Stop him.
- 1061. Miss Long?
- 1062. Hey, hey. What's going on? Let go of me!
- 1063. Clarence!
- 1064. - Miss Long!
- 1065. - What is this Clarence McCabe?
- That's who I am.
- 1066. - Is that your real name?
- Well, technically, it's my real name.
- 1067. - No, it's a pseudonym, actually. An alias.
- Why do you use a pseudonym?
- 1068. - I'm an author. That's my business.
- Author of what?
- 1069. I told you. I wrote a book called
The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.
- 1070. I spent two years in Russia,
two years in China, researching it.
- 1071. - Two years in Russia, two in China?
- Right. Does that make me a Communist now?
- 1072. We have one more light to preset.
That'll be number 47.
- 1073. - Hello, I'm the King.
- 1074. - The King.
- What can I do for Your Highness?
- 1075. Really, I'm the King.
- 1076. Your dressing room's backstage. Your throne
is in there also. You'll recognize the door.
- 1077. Very funny.
- 1078. - There's a half-moon, stars.
- Is there someone in charge?
- 1079. Mr. Ding. He's a little fella with
an ice-cream cone nose, a couple of bells.
- 1080. - Miss Long.
- Mr. Pipkin?
- 1081. No, it's Mr. Pupkin, Miss Long.
Mr. Pupkin. How are you?
- 1082. What are you doing here, Mr. Pupkin?
- 1083. I'm the King.
- 1084. I think you're expecting me.
- 1085. - Yeah.
- Yes. Mr. Thomas around?
- 1086. You're gonna love me
- 1087. Like nobody's loved me
- 1088. Come rain or come shine
- 1089. Happy together
- 1090. Unhappy together
- 1091. And won't it be fine?
- 1092. Days may be cloudy or sunny
- 1093. We're in and we're out of the money
- 1094. I'm with you always
- 1095. I'm with you
- 1096. Rain
- 1097. Or shine
- 1098. - Mr. King?
- 1099. I'm Inspector Gerrity from the FBI.
- 1100. - Do you understand?
- 1101. What is your name?
- 1102. - Rupert Pupkin.
- What is your real name?
- 1103. That's my real name. Rupert Pupkin.
- 1104. Well, Mr. Pupkin, are you gonna tell us
where Jerry Langford is or not?
- 1105. - Are you from the show?
- No, I'm not in the show.
- 1106. This is my assistant, Agent Giardello, and
Captain Burke of the New York City Police.
- 1107. I'd like to meet someone from the show.
- 1108. You don't get to see anyone with the show
until I get to see Langford.
- 1109. I'd like to see someone from the show first.
- 1110. You won't see someone
unless you tell us where Langford is.
- 1111. Well, then Jerry Langford is dead.
- 1112. Get Thomas.
- 1113. - I'm Bert Thomas. Are you Mr. King?
- Yes. How do you do?
- 1114. - Uh, did we talk on the phone today?
- Yes, we spoke a few moments ago.
- 1115. - And then Jerry spoke to you earlier.
- 1116. - Where did you get this?
- That's Jerry's, as you can see.
- 1117. - What's that?
- That's my blood, not Jerry's, heh.
- 1118. I'll buy this. What have we here?
- 1119. This is my introduction, and I'd like
Mr. Randall, if he could, speak it word for word.
- 1120. Randall's introduction to your monologue?
Could I have a copy of your monologue?
- 1121. Uh...
- 1122. Actually, I have it memorized,
so I don't have a copy of it.
- 1123. There are reasons I need a copy. We have to
make sure you don't say anything obscene...
- 1124. or anything that could cause
a problem in the audience.
- 1125. No, it's all right, really.
It's a wholesome monologue.
- 1126. - You guarantee it?
- Nothing obscene. I guarantee it.
- 1127. Make sure you got that audience
till after 11:30.
- 1128. - The man's gonna get everything he asks for.
- Thank you. It's nice meeting you.
- 1129. Sit down, Pupkin.
- 1130. Mr. Pupkin, I gotta tell you this. From this
point on, you have the right to remain silent.
- 1131. - You understand?
- 1132. Because anything you say
from here on out...
- 1133. might be used against you later on
in a court of law. You understand?
- 1134. - Say you understand.
- I understand that.
- 1135. Did you participate
in the abduction of Jerry Langford?
- 1136. Yes, I did. I abducted him.
- 1137. You abducted him?
Do you know where Mr. Langford is now?
- 1138. Yes, I do.
- 1139. - Will you lead us to Mr. Langford?
- No, I won't.
- 1140. At this time, Mr. Pupkin, I want to advise you
to consider yourself under arrest.
- 1141. Fine. I think I should get made up.
- 1142. You need some make-up.
Put some color on his face.
- 1143. I'd like to put some color on your face.
- 1144. Really, I should get made up.
- 1145. "... sad news for you." Turn the card.
"I have some sad..."
- 1146. - Tony, did you wanna see me?
- Have you seen this stuff?
- 1147. I've gone over it. I think it's fine.
- 1148. This is fine? "My writing staff was executed
in Central Park by the network firing squad."
- 1149. - I think it's good.
- You're laughing at that?
- 1150. - Do me a favor, please.
- Why do I have to say this?
- 1151. Exactly as it's written. It'll play for us.
It'll be good for you. Trust me.
- 1152. - You're the director. Can you help me?
- Take the tissues out and let's go.
- 1153. - A few more minutes. Let's go.
- Turn the cards fast. Are you listening?
- 1154. - Turn the cards fast.
- 1155. Let's do something crazy tonight.
Just get insane. I wanna be crazy!
- 1156. I wanna be nuts!
I wanna have some fun! Goddamn it.
- 1157. My doctor says, "Don't have any fun.
No, you're not allowed to have a good time.
- 1158. You can't get crazy."
See, I have to be in control.
- 1159. And I like being in control.
- 1160. But for one night I'd like to see myself
out of my head! Wouldn't you?
- 1161. Wouldn't that be great?
Wouldn't it be fabulous?
- 1162. I'm having a good time.
- 1163. I'm having fun.
- 1164. Fun is my middle name. I'm having fun.
- 1165. That's right. Having some fun.
Never had this much fun before.
- 1166. That's right.
- 1167. Good, old-fashioned,
- 1168. And now, direct from New York,
it's The Jerry Langford Show...
- 1169. with guest host Tony Randall
and his special guests:
- 1170. Shelley Winters, Gore Vidal, Tony Bennett...
- 1171. as always, Lou Brown and the orchestra
and little old me, Ed Herlihy.
- 1172. For now, say hello to Tony!
- 1173. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. I have some sad news for you.
- 1174. Aw!
- 1175. Earlier today, my writing staff was executed
in Central Park by the network firing squad.
- 1176. So there will be no sensational
Randall monologue this evening.
- 1177. No embarrassing display of emotion, please.
- 1178. Instead we're going to do something a little bit
different this evening. A lot different.
- 1179. We're going to give you a glimpse...
Turn it over, please.
- 1180. Ha-ha-ha.
- into the future.
- 1181. It isn't often you can call someone
a sure thing in the entertainment business.
- 1182. After all, the verdict is always
in your hands, isn't it?
- 1183. But I think tonight, after you've met...
- 1184. my first guest...
- 1185. you'll agree with me that he's destined
for greatness, in one way or another.
- 1186. So will you please give your warmest
greetings to the newest King of Comedy...
- 1187. Rupert Pupkin!
- 1188. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Let me
introduce myself. My name is Rupert Pupkin.
- 1189. I can't believe I'm gonna kiss you.
- 1190. Masha.
- 1191. Take the tape off.
- 1192. Really?
- 1193. Go on. Take it off.
- 1194. - I'm ready now.
- Take him back down.
- 1195. With pleasure.
- 1196. Why did you do this? Tell me why
and then maybe I'll be able to believe in you.
- 1197. - Why did you do such a thing?
- Do you know what time it is?
- 1198. - It's five minutes to 11.
- I think we better go.
- 1199. Because otherwise... I don't like to say it
like this... Jerry's gonna be unavailable.
- 1200. - You'll understand when we go.
- I'll understand? Why will I understand?
- 1201. Where are we going?
- 1202. - Well, that's part of the bargain.
- Part of what bargain?
- 1203. That's my understanding.
Now, I just want to see it in this other place.
- 1204. And once I see it, that's it.
I'll give you Langford.
- 1205. - But you don't understand my position.
- 1206. I have you right now.
- 1207. - That's true.
- If I have you, I have a shot at Langford.
- 1208. - But you don't have Jerry.
- I understand that.
- 1209. I'm getting it off as fast as I can.
- 1210. - That's good, Masha.
- 1211. - You all right?
- I'm doing fine.
- 1212. I know you are.
- 1213. Come on.
- 1214. One more thing, please. I can't
walk in here with you. If you could both...
- 1215. If you could just wait here
and let me walk in by myself, that's all.
- 1216. I'll break your ankles
if you make a wrong move.
- 1217. I promise. I promise, okay?
- 1218. But make believe you don't know me too.
- 1219. Go ahead.
- 1220. Jerry, you seem a little bit...
- 1221. Jerry! Jerry, wait!
- 1222. Jerry! Jerry!
- 1223. Jerry, come back here!
- 1224. Jerry!
- 1225. Oh, God.
- 1226. What do you want now?
- 1227. - What are you doing? I'm watching that.
- Just a minute.
- 1228. And now, direct from
New York, it's The Jerry Langford Show...
- 1229. with guest host Tony Randall
and his special guests: Shelley Winters...
- 1230. - What's going on here?
- Do you know him?
- 1231. - Unfortunately, yes.
- Just sit tight. Relax. Everything'll be okay.
- 1232. My first guest, you'll agree with me
that he's destined for greatness...
- 1233. in one way or another.
- 1234. So will you please give your warmest
greetings to the newest King of Comedy...
- 1235. Rupert Pupkin!
- 1236. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Let me introduce myself.
- 1237. My name is Rupert Pupkin.
- 1238. I was born in Clifton, New Jersey,
which was not at that time a federal offense.
- 1239. Is there anyone here from Clifton?
- 1240. Good, we can all relax now.
- 1241. Now, I'd like to begin by saying
that my parents were too poor...
- 1242. to afford me a childhood in Clifton...
- 1243. but the fact is that no one is allowed
to be really too poor in Clifton.
- 1244. Once you fall below a certain level,
they exile you to Passaic.
- 1245. But my parents did put the first two
down payments on my childhood.
- 1246. Don't get me wrong.
- 1247. But they did also return me
to the hospital as defective.
- 1248. But like everyone else, I grew up
in large part thanks to my mother.
- 1249. If she were only here today, I'd say:
- 1250. "Hey, Mom! What are you doing here?
You've been dead for nine years!"
- 1251. But seriously, you should've seen my mother.
She was wonderful.
- 1252. Blond, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic...
- 1253. We used to drink milk together after school.
Mine was homogenized, hers was loaded.
- 1254. Once they picked her up for speeding.
They clocked her doing 50.
- 1255. All right, but in our garage?
- 1256. And, you know, when they tested her, they
found out that her alcohol had 2 percent blood.
- 1257. But we used to joke together, Mom and me...
- 1258. until the tears would stroll down her face
and she would throw up! Yeah.
- 1259. And who would clean it up? Ha, not Dad.
- 1260. He was too busy down at O'Grady's,
throwing up on his own. Yeah.
- 1261. In fact, until I was 16, I thought
throwing up was a sign of maturity.
- 1262. While the other kids were off in the woods
- 1263. I was hiding behind the house
with my fingers down my throat.
- 1264. The only problem was I never got anywhere,
until one day my father caught me.
- 1265. And, you know, just as he was giving me
a final kick in the stomach for luck...
- 1266. I managed to heave all over his new shoes!
- 1267. "That's it!" I thought.
"I've made it! I'm finally a man!"
- 1268. But, as it turned out, I was wrong.
- 1269. That was the only attention
my father ever gave me.
- 1270. Aw...
- 1271. Yeah, he was usually too busy out in the park
playing ball with my sister Rose.
- 1272. Aw...
- 1273. But today, I must say,
thanks to those many hours of practice...
- 1274. my sister Rose has grown into a fine man.
- 1275. Me, I wasn't interested in athletics.
- 1276. The only exercise I ever got
was when the other kids picked on me.
- 1277. They used to beat me up once a week,
- 1278. And after a while,
the school worked it into the curriculum.
- 1279. And if you knocked me out,
you got extra credit.
- 1280. Except there was this one kid.
Poor kid. He was afraid of me.
- 1281. I used to tell him, "Hit me, hit me!
What's the matter with you?
- 1282. Don't you wanna graduate?"
- 1283. As for me, hey, I was the youngest kid in the
history of the school to graduate in traction.
- 1284. But, you know, my only real interest,
right from the beginning, was show business.
- 1285. Even as a young man, I began at the very top,
- 1286. Now...
- 1287. a lot of you are probably wondering
why Jerry isn't with us tonight.
- 1288. Well, I'll tell you, the fact is he's tied up.
- 1289. And I'm the one who tied him.
- 1290. I know you think I'm joking, but that's the
only way I could break into show business...
- 1291. by hijacking Jerry Langford.
- 1292. Right now Jerry is strapped to a chair
somewhere in the middle of this city.
- 1293. Go ahead and laugh. Thank you.
I appreciate it. But the fact is, I'm here.
- 1294. Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding
and you'll think I was crazy.
- 1295. But, look, I figure it this way: better to be king
for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.
- 1296. Thank you. Thank you.
- 1297. - How'd you do that?
- Did you like it? Thank you.
- 1298. I'd like to buy everyone here a drink,
and I hope you all enjoyed the show.
- 1299. - Rita, you keep the change.
- We're getting Langford now.
- 1300. Rita, just because I made it big
doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about you.
- 1301. - Remember, I'll call you...
- No more speeches.
- 1302. - What's happening here?
- Take care.
- 1303. That's the same guy who was just
on television. Just now. Same guy.
- 1304. I'm just getting even.
Those jokes... Those jokes were murder.
- 1305. - You didn't like those jokes?
- No. No.
- 1306. I'm looking for the guy that wrote the material.
I'd like to pick him up and take him along.
- 1307. I wrote the material. I disagree with you.
I thought they were very good jokes.
- 1308. If you wrote that material,
I got one piece of advice for you.
- 1309. Throw yourself on your knees
in front of the judge and beg for mercy.
- 1310. That's very funny, but you'll see.
- 1311. In the most bizarre debut in recent times...
- 1312. a self-styled comedian named Rupert Pupkin
appeared on The Jerry Langford Show.
- 1313. There is no doubt the incident...
- 1314. has made the name Rupert Pupkin
a household word.
- 1315. Rupert Pupkin's performance...
- 1316. has been viewed by a record 87 million
- 1317. Rupert Pupkin,
the kidnapping King of Comedy...
- 1318. was sentenced to six years imprisonment...
- 1319. at the minimum-security facility
in Allenwood, Pennsylvania...
- 1320. for his part in the abduction
of talk-show host Jerry Langford.
- 1321. On the anniversary
of his appearance on the show...
- 1322. Pupkin told reporters he still considers
Jerry Langford his friend and mentor.
- 1323. He reported that
he has been writing his memoirs...
- 1324. which have been purchased by
a leading New York publishing house...
- 1325. for in excess of $1 million.
- 1326. Rupert Pupkin was released today...
- 1327. after serving two years and nine months
of a six-year sentence.
- 1328. Hundreds were there to greet
the 37-year-old comedian and author...
- 1329. among them his new agent and manager,
- 1330. who announced that King for a Night,
Pupkin's bestselling autobiography...
- 1331. would appear as a major motion picture.
- 1332. Pupkin said he had used his stay
at Allenwood to sharpen his material.
- 1333. He said he and his people were weighing
a number of attractive offers...
- 1334. and that he looked forward
to resuming his show-business career.
- 1335. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the man we've all been waiting for...
- 1336. and waiting for.
- 1337. Would you welcome home, please,
television's brightest new star.
- 1338. The legendary, inspirational,
the one and only King of Comedy...
- 1339. ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin!
- 1340. Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen!
Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!
- 1341. Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin,
ladies and gentlemen.
- 1342. Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!
- 1343. Wonderful! Rupert Pupkin,
ladies and gentlemen.