The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)

1. The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in. Film at 11:00.

2. At Argon, we know that a country which depends on oil

3. can't afford to run short.

4. But conventional drilling is not always possible.

5. Now, new ways must be found to produce crude oil.

6. Here at our multi-million-dollar refinery in Fairbanks.

7. we're extracting 2,5 billions of barrels of crude oil every day,

8. from teenagers' faces.

9. The crude oil can be shipped via mammoth supertankers

10. in order to better utilize our country's vast supplies

11. of yet untapped natural resources.

12. And here in Milan, Italy,

13. an affiliate of Argon has developed a way to reclaim oil

14. from the discarded combs of local residents. Enough to fill

15. an 1,100 ft. Tanker and save 60,000 gallons of valuable energy.

16. Back in the United States,

17. we've developed a way to filter the oil from carry-out food.

18. An amount sufficient to supply the entire city of Oakland

19. in California. And for the future,

20. the promise of capturing over forty trillion cubic feet of natural gas

21. has brought us to Beaumont, Texas, and this unique recycling method.

22. At Argon, we're working to keep your money.

23. Welcome to "A.M. Today." I'm Barbara Duncan.

24. I'm Frank Bowman.

25. We'll see why school children are learning faster in Louisiana.

26. Why trains are slower in Vermont.

27. We'll meet an adorable, furry Australian friend.

28. And we'll take an up-close look at the nation's newest safety craze:

29. Smoke detector alarms. But first,

30. New York city teachers are voting on whether to continue the strike.

31. Ron Butler with local affiliate W.I.L.O.

32. is at the convention center now with a live report.

33. Ron, what's the situation?

34. Ron, are the teachers still voting?

35. We are having trouble getting that report. We'll try back later in the program.

36. In the mean time, this is "A.M. Today."

37. It's 18 minuters after the hour, and time for our daily debate:

38. Count Pointercount" with J. Fitzsimmons and S. Hamilton.

39. Sheila, I guess even you and your liberal cronies

40. have found the light at the end of love

41. with our beloved president.

42. The intellectuals have been much agitated

43. and now, having gotten the presidency by exploiting the problems

44. they themselves have manufactured,

45. he has done his best to fuel their anxieties about him.

46. Sheila. Will you and your pack of bleeding heart liberals

47. never learn that expanding welfare roles

48. only accelerate inflation

49. and inevitably hurt most those they purport to help?

50. Why John, you old stick in the mud.

51. Ive been listening to that horse shit of yours for months.

52. And you can take that crap and blow it out your ass.

53. And for good measure, sit on this, John.

54. The teachers has completed their balloting and the decision if forthcoming.

55. Ron Butler, would you hazard a guess as to the outcome for that vote?

56. It's 19 min after the hour, time for our daily feature:

57. "The astrological report."

58. These reports are not intended to foster beliefs in astrology,

59. but to support people who can not take responsibility for their own lives.

60. If you are a Libra and hesitate to make this big purchase,

61. hold on for a couple of days.

62. Don't forget, your Moon is in Sagittarius.

63. Not the time for reckless spending.

64. You Virgos can expect an untimely death

65. or perhaps a tragic dismemberment to someone close to you.

66. It's a good time to pull the plug on that machine

67. that's been keeping your daughter alive the past six months.

68. If you are Taurus, see your florist.

69. And if you are Gemini like me, you can expect the unexpected.

70. I'm Joyce Wilson, your astro...

71. Thank you, Joyce.

72. With us, Judy Morton from the San Diego Wild Animal Preserve.

73. Judy's been a guest in the past, it's always been a delightful segment.

74. Welcome, Judy.

75. What have you got for us today?

76. I brought an Australian gerbil,

77. one of the few to have been raised in captivity.

78. He's tame, he won't bite?

79. No, he's really friendly.

80. They are very loveable. His name is Oscar.

81. I'd like to get one of those for my kids.

82. They would make great pets

83. except that they really do need a wild surrounding.

84. Well... Oscar?

85. - is absolutely irresistible.

86. You have another surprise for us.

87. That's right, Frank.

88. The next fellow is not small, but he certainly is cute.

89. At least I think so. I have to go get him.

90. Go ahead.

91. This is always one of my favorite segments, because

92. I never know quite what they are going to bring out here.

93. Look what they are bringin out here!

94. This is Dino.

95. He is huge!

96. But don't let Dino's looks fool you,

97. he's gentle as a lamb, as result of being raised in captivity.

98. That's why we're able to bring him out here.

99. Is this a rare animal?

100. Yes, as a matter of fact we're having trouble mating him.

101. You're having trouble finding a female for Dino?

102. Not really, we have matched Dino with several candidates,

103. but all efforts of reproduction have been unsuccessful.

104. I can't believe it. Dino might not be the most handsome,

105. but certainly a big gorilla like this...

106. We're not sure what the trouble is with Dino.

107. It could just be shyness,

108. natural reluctance or even impotence.

109. Impotent?

110. It is now 24 efter the hour,

111. time for the top story with Tom Leclair.

112. Thank you, Barbara.

113. It concerns the meeting of OPEC ministers in Teheran.

114. An anticipated 10% price hike across the board...

115. We've finally gotten through to Ron Butler,

116. And I'm told our audio is operating. Go ahead, Ron.

117. The balloting has lasted three hours.

118. As soon as the absentees are counted we should have the results.

119. Is there any hint about a possible outcome?

120. I thought that the teachers would like to return to work,

121. but being a Gemini, I just never know what to expect.

122. More offensive than "Mandingo"

123. More shocking than "Behind the Green Door"

124. More erotic than "Deep Throat"

125. You will cream

126. in your jeans when you see:

127. recreating her classic roll.

128. And introducing Susan Joyce and Nancy Reems.

129. Susan, this is Nancy.

130. Nancy, this is Susan.

131. The screen has never dared to be so explicit.

132. Show me your nuts.

133. Mrs. Burke! I thought you were Dale.

134. People often mistake me for my teenage daughter, Dale.

135. Never before has the beauty of the sexual act

136. been so crassly exploited.

137. The bizarre story of what happens when high school girls

138. are allowed to stay out after curfew.

139. Finally an adult motion picture has the courage to reveal

140. tha truth about masturbation.

141. You must see:

142. How much is a ticket?

143. Three dollars.

144. Thank you.

145. You are aware that this movie is shown in "Feel-around"?

146. Can I help you?

147. Some popcorn, please.

148. One dollar.

149. Thank you.

150. Come in. I am in the den.

151. Guess who.

152. Zsa Zsa Gabor.

153. Donald, you're always kidding.

154. I see you've started smoking again.

155. I'm on another diet.

156. And you didn't even notice my perfume.

157. May I mix you a drink?

158. I propose a toast, to you and me and the future.

159. Darling, I'm so sorry.

160. Let me get you a towel or something.

161. Carol, watch where you swing that cigarette.

162. Let me put this bandage on.

163. My poor baby.

164. I love to run my hands through your hair.

165. And those big strong shoulders...

166. And that curly hair on your chest...

167. You're the only one, Carol.

168. What's this?

169. Lipstick on your collar?

170. Let me see!

171. It is lipstick on your collar!

172. You cheat, you...

173. I could kill you!

174. I could tear every hair of your insensitive head.

175. Carol, put down that knife!

176. All right, Donald.

177. Tell me you love me or I'll slit your throat.

178. I wouldn't tell you that in a million years.

179. So you want to see your own blood, Donald?

180. You can't scare me. I'm not afraid of spilling my own blood.

181. I can't do it.

182. I know you wouldn't do it.

183. That's why I want you to marry me.

184. Ladies and gentlemen, Rialto "Feel-o-rama" invites you

185. to stay for our next picture "Deep Throat",

186. which will begin shortly.

187. It's hard to believe you went to bed with a headache,

188. when you wake up feeling so wonderful.

189. Thanks to Nytex P.M.

190. The pain reliever that works while you sleep.

191. Nytex relaxes you.

192. Relieves pains from tensions and minor discomforts.

193. You wake up feeling so wonderful,

194. refreshed and ready to begin a new day.

195. It's hard to believe you went to bed with a headache

196. when you wake up feeling so wonderful.

197. Nytex P.M., it is hard to believe.

198. Hello and welcome to "High Adventure."

199. I am Paul Burmaster.

200. With us today, the famed adventurer and explorer,

201. Claude Lamont.

202. Claude, it's a pleasure to have you with us.

203. It's a great pleasure to be here.

204. It's a thrill to have someone with us

205. who lives such great adventures.

206. I live the unknown,

207. I love the unknown, I am the unknown.

208. Claude... Where are you living, now?

209. That is unknown. I don't know.

210. Let me ask you about the film we're going to see.

211. I understand there were great dangers involved.

212. Yes, there were great many dangers involved.

213. The most dangerous, was the poisonous fish.

214. Poisonous fish?

215. Continue, it is your show.

216. No, you are my guest.

217. The poisonous fish will kill more faster than a bullet.

218. In what ocean do we find these fish?

219. The Atlantic and the Pacific.

220. What sizes are they?

221. Some are very large, others very small.

222. That's very interesting.

223. Tell us, Claude,

224. how many men do you take with you on these voyages?

225. Sometimes, we take 45 or 50 men

226. on a single voyage.

227. - That many? - Yes.

228. You can just imagine the food problems we have.

229. Often, we must take enough food for three,

230. maybe four months at a time.

231. The important thing, is to eat well

232. on a regular basis.

233. If you don't eat well balanced meals at sea,

234. several things can happen.

235. By the way, many of you may not know this,

236. but Claude Lamont has made many humanitarian deeds.

237. He is a teacher of diving and involved with several charities.

238. You've done work with the great white shark.

239. Have you verified this idea of distinct territories?

240. Not only has this idea been substantiated,

241. we also can show that few or no shark

242. change territories.

243. My guest tonight has been famed explorer Claude Lamont.

244. This is Paul Burmaster, thanking you for joining us on:

245. "High Adventure."

246. Moscow in flames. Missiles headed toward New York.

247. Film at 11:00.

248. Actor/director, Bill Bixby.

249. People must feel their best to do their best.

250. So when I'm on the set and have headache pain,

251. I take Sanhedrin.

252. Here, at the world's leading headache clinic.

253. tests have proven Sanhedrin's modern formula

254. provides fast, effective relief from pain of:

255. headache, cold or minor arthritic discomfort

256. It's safe

257. and effective. So the next time you have a cold,

258. do what Bill Bixby does,

259. take Sanhedrin. The extra strength pain reliever.

260. I remember the day the girls came over for bridge club.

261. I was so embarrassed because of lingering odors.

262. Fish for dinner last night?

263. Harvey's still smoking those cigars?

264. Christ! Did a cow shit in here?

265. That was a delicious dinner.

266. I do my best.

267. Welcome to "The Wonderful World of Sex",

268. where together we will achieve

269. a new level of sexual fulfillment.

270. After dimming the lights, give your partner a reassuring smile,

271. and a gentle kiss.

272. Then, move to opposite areas of the bedroom to disrobe.

273. The revelation of erogenous zones

274. is an enticing prelude to sexual foreplay

275. Become aware of your own body

276. as it readies itself for the ultimate

277. sensual awareness.

278. It is now time to approach your love partner

279. placing both hands round her waist.

280. Tenderly...

281. Moving smoothly up the torso,

282. slowly massaging the erotic areas,

283. and gently exploring the curves

284. of the upper body.

285. Wasn't that nice?

286. Now you are ready to approach the conjugal bed,

287. relaxing as you fill your senses,

288. in your world of awareness.

289. A this instant, the male may whisper to the female:

290. A: "I love you."

291. B: "I need you".

292. or C: "I want you."

293. "B"

294. The female may respond: "I want you now."

295. "I want you now."

296. "Recuerdos a todos."

297. It is now time to insert the birth control device.

298. And we're back.

299. We are now ready to heighten our foreplay to petting.

300. The male may fondle her back and arms.

301. The female, if she is so inclined,

302. may latch on to his honker.

303. Now he may kiss her gently on the face and neck,

304. seeking out the erogenous zones.

305. The kissing should be increasingly passionate,

306. with both partners working into a sexual frenzy.

307. One of the most frequent problems encountered during the sexual act

308. is that of premature ejaculation.

309. Should premature ejaculation occur,

310. "The Joy of Sex" album comes equipped with

311. "BIG JIM SLADE".

312. Big Jim, tight end for Kansas City Chiefs is outfitted with whips, chains

313. and a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off.

314. Big Jim has satisfied women throughout the world,

315. and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!

316. Three days ago,

317. Russian intelligence sent up this photograph,

318. clearly at least a thirty megaton nuclear blast.

319. First reports from CIA linked it with the red Chinese.

320. however, Radio Peking denied the allegation.

321. These are the Hartz mountains of Asia.

322. A terrain so rugged, so traitorous, no country will claim it.

323. Worse than Detroit?

324. I am afraid so.

325. Here, doctor Klahn has built his fortress.

326. Klahn?

327. Yes. Klahn has been connected

328. with every sort of nefarious activity:

329. Opium, weapons traffick, assassination,

330. motion picture distribution...

331. And global extortion.

332. Precisely. Klahn has kidnapped

333. the famous Chinese nuclear physicist Ada Gronik.

334. And attends to use her knowledge of atomic devices

335. to create a practical detonator,

336. with which he will then threaten the world.

337. This is Butkus. Klahn's bodyguard.

338. He is tough and ruthless.

339. Here is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur.

340. He is rough and toothless.

341. We need someone to find an uncharted mountain,

342. defeat an army of killers

343. and come back with Ada Gronik.

344. I know just the man.

345. I hope you were paying attention.

346. Kick me.

347. What was that?

348. This is not a charade.

349. We need total concentration.

350. Now, once again.

351. This time, with feeling.

352. Better.

353. My government is prepared to offer you 50,000 pounds,

354. to join Klahn's army as our agent.

355. I'm afraid you underestimated me, Mr. Pennington.

356. Your people and mine, have different values.

357. Mr. Loo,

358. you must understand that the survival of the free world is at stake.

359. You must understand, Mr. Pennington,

360. geographical boundaries are of no significance to me.

361. I owe my allegiance to a higher source.

362. But you'll have the chance to kill fifty or sixty people.

363. Hello. My name is Ming Chow.

364. You are joining a noble leader.

365. Gentlemen, welcome.

366. We are honored to have you among us.

367. We are building a fighting force

368. of an extraordinary magnitude.

369. We forge our spirits

370. in the tradition of our ancestors.

371. You have our gratitude.

372. ADA, I HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU

373. Now, bring me the prisoners!

374. Now, take him to be tortured.

375. As for my American friend,

376. the CIA thinks he can infiltrate

377. the mountain of doctor Klahn?

378. You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard!

379. Take him to Detroit.

380. No! Not Detroit!

381. Please! Anything but that.

382. This way, gentlemen. I'll show you to your rooms.

383. Hello, this is doctor Klahn. I'm not home right now.

384. Leave me a message when you hear the beep.

385. You have our gratitude.

386. Come in.

387. I have come to rescue you.

388. Where do you come from?

389. Pennington...

390. How was your trip to the mountains, Mr. Loo?

391. It was a very pleasant journey.

392. You are fortunated. The seas can be very stormy this time of year.

393. I hope your accomodations are to your liking.

394. Doctor Klahn has a great sense of hospitality.

395. Have you ever been in a martial arts army like this?

396. Not for quite some time.

397. I am sure you'll find the caliber of men here

398. among the finest in the world.

399. We're building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude.

400. You honor our mountains.

401. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors.

402. The guards will have to be bribed. We need money.

403. We can waste some money, thats no problem.

404. But it would be wrong!

405. What was that?

406. This is not a charade.

407. We need total concentration.

408. Try again.

409. I brought you a present. Take your pick.

410. If you don't see anything you like...

411. And if you follow me, we are now entering the Haybrick wing,

412. where the opium goes through it's final processing

413. prior to packaging and world wide distribution.

414. We manufacture enough heroine

415. to supply one fourth of the world's addicts.

416. The tanks to your left, stores our biological chemicals for germ warfare.

417. Their capacity is of 4,000 cubic liters.

418. To my right, is the atomic detonator,

419. with which the Dr Kahn intends to threaten the entire world.

420. Are there any questions?

421. No? Good. Follow me.

422. We remind you to stay near the white line, and not using flash bulbs.

423. A toy robot!

424. A toy robot?

425. Eat lead, sucker!

426. You have my gratitude.

427. You are a man of an extraordinary magnitude.

428. Come in.

429. Your technique is only surpassed by your courage, Mr. Loo.

430. A magnificent display of skill.

431. I am flattered by your curiosity.

432. Evidently, you are anxious to see my operation.

433. Who are they?

434. Refuse, found in waterfront bars.

435. Shanghaied?

436. Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are, and no longer care.

437. Where are we?

438. I don't care.

439. And these?

440. These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care.

441. And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink.

442. Where am I? I don't know who I am!

443. Yeah. And I don't drink.

444. Guards!

445. - Do you care? - No.

446. Put this man in cell number one, and give him a drink.

447. - What do you drink? - I don't care.

448. Gentlemen.

449. Regrettably, we have discovered among us

450. am unfriendly visitor.

451. Mr. Loo will be punished for his treason.

452. But that is not important right now.

453. What is important, is that my guards have accepted bribes

454. and failing their duties.

455. Now, they must prove themselves worthy

456. to remain among us.

457. Let us meet our guards.

458. Number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain and aspires to be a chemist.

459. Welcome, please, Hung Well!

460. Number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang!

461. Traveling comes naturally to number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot.

462. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!

463. Guard number one, you're out on your first date,

464. it is too late to see a movie. What do you propose to do?

465. Well...

466. First, we walk on the beach to the moonlight.

467. Then I play love songs on my guitar.

468. And the next morning...

469. Butkus!

470. Guard number two,

471. if I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock,

472. how would you wake me up in the morning?

473. I wouldn't. I'm no ding-a-ling.

474. How about you, number three?

475. The same question?

476. We're building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude.

477. We forge our spirits in the same tradition as our ancestors.

478. Dr. Klahn is magnificent leader. He has our gratitude.

479. Let's give Dr. Klahn a great big hand!

480. Are you ready for this mornings exercise, Mr. Loo?

481. Not water!

482. I'm melting!

483. What a world!

484. It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!

485. Congratulations, Mr. Loo.

486. Your mission is a complete success.

487. Since you are responsible for the death of Dr. Klahn,

488. you may assume the rights to the fortress and all it's riches.

489. Thank you, Mr. Pennington.

490. But all I wanna do right now, is to go back home.

491. Back to Kansas.

492. But my dear fellow, you had the power to go back home all along.

493. I had?

494. All you have to do is click your heels three times,

495. and say: "There's no place like home."

496. There's no place like home.

497. Loo...

498. Wake up!

499. Auntie Em!

500. Toto!

501. I'm home at last.

502. You must have had a bad dream.

503. No, I was there.

504. Where were you?

505. On this terrible mountain

506. ruled by the evil Dr. Klahn.

507. And there were prisoners, and...

508. Jake was there and...

509. Slim, and Ben.

510. Maybe it was just a dream.

511. And quite a nasty one, young feller!

512. A dream of extraordinary magnitude.

513. - It sure was real. - I know, dear.

514. But what have you learned from all of this?

515. Well,

516. you can search all over for happiness,

517. but there's no need to look any further than your own front door.

518. There are plenty of things you can do in your own community.

519. To visit a dairy

520. and find out how milk is handled and prepared for delivery.

521. Or plant a series of window displays on home safety.

522. Or help start a library.

523. To discuss with your dentist how to make your teeth more attractive.

524. You've just sold your last case of incense

525. and pestered over sixty pedestrians.

526. After a gruelling day, you finally run out of leaflets.

527. Now it's Willer time.

528. Time to kick off your sandals,

529. and pop open a Willer.

530. The best taste in beer since 1892.

531. It's time to relax after a tough day.

532. You owe yourself the best tasting beer you can buy.

533. It goes down easily.

534. It's cool, refreshing and far less filling.

535. You're only reincarnated six or seven times in life,

536. so you got to reach for all the guster you can.

537. "Rams" plagued by fumbles as earthquake shatters Los Angeles.

538. Film at 11:00.

539. New from Barker Brothers, a game for the entire family.

540. "Scot Free." Your team has just assassinated the president.

541. Can you get away "Scot Free"?

542. Shake the dice and see.

543. Great! You found a patsy. Go again.

544. Bonus card.

545. You get Jack Ruby to kill your patsy.

546. That's good because dead men don't talk.

547. Oh no! Abraham Sabruter films the assassination.

548. Tough break. But now you go again.

549. And a stroke of luck,

550. Twenty-two witnesses

551. die of unnatural causes. Now your opponent shakes again.

552. "Life Magazine" buys the Sabruter film.

553. But, you buy "Life Magazine"

554. and show the frames out of sequence.

555. You're almost home. Now you must spin the "Public Opinion Board."

556. You've got it! The public believes it.

557. You're "Scot Free"! Available from Barker Brothers.

558. If you were thrilled by "The Towering Inferno",

559. if you were terrified by "Earthquake",

560. then you will be scared shitless

561. by the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of

562. The most realistic depiction of death, doom and destruction

563. in motion picture history. See George Lazenby

564. as the architect.

565. This building is unsafe.

566. Barbara Radnitz as the nurse.

567. Jack Roberts as the governor.

568. Governor, the city is in flames,

569. the national guards powerless to deal with the situation,

570. the dam is threatening to burst,

571. the airport has been seized by terrorists,

572. and the nuclear plant is about to blow any second!

573. Governor, what are we going to do?

574. Donald Sutherland as the clumsy waiter.

575. Larry, you can't go in there! It's certain death!

576. But I've got to. For Helen's sake!

577. Leave her.

578. Come back to Montana with me.

579. I could no sooner run away from her than myself.

580. I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

581. Whose reality, yours or mine?

582. My reality AND yours, that's whose!

583. What are you saying?

584. Leave her! Come back to Montana with me!

585. I could no more run away from her than myself!

586. I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

587. Whose reality, yours or mine?

588. My reality AND yours, that's whose!

589. What are you saying?

590. Larry, we're going now!

591. Whose game?

592. You know damn well whose game.

593. Larry, we're starting the engines.

594. You will never forget

595. You know damn well what I'm saying!

596. In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died.

597. Despite millions of dollars in research,

598. death continues to be our nation's number one killer.

599. Hello, I'm Henry Gibson,

600. speaking to you on behalf of the United Appeal for the Dead.

601. So far, there is no treatment for death's crippling effects,

602. still everyone can acquaint himself with the warning signs of death:

603. It is also important to know what to do when you die.

604. Your past contributions to this cause has already worked wonders.

605. Many deserving families have been helped.

606. Right now, I'd like you to meet the Hefsteders.

607. Three years ago, our Johnny died.

608. We thought that there was no hope, but then we discovered

609. the United Appeal for the Dead.

610. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap,

611. he could still be a useful member of our family and the community.

612. Our "United Appeal for the Dead" caseworker,

613. showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body

614. didn't have to mean his absence from our daily life.

615. We realized the constant joy that could be ours,

616. as we were able to include him in our family activities.

617. The United Appeal for the Dead turn misery into happiness.

618. We have them to thank for our family's newfound togetherness.

619. This is Henry Gibson saying:

620. please, give generously when death knocks at your door.

621. No pictures, please.

622. I said no pictures, no comments.

623. No pictures.

624. On September 22, 1957,

625. there occured a multi-car collision

626. resulting in over 55,000 dollars in damages.

627. Today we bring you the trial resulting from that incident.

628. The litigants you will see are the actual people involved in the accident.

629. As we join the preceding, judge Coarse DeSmizer,

630. is about to ask Mr. Hornung to make his opening remarks.

631. Mr. Hornung, you may make your opening remarks.

632. If it pleases the court, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

633. it is my intention to prove here today,

634. that on the evening of February 22, 1957,

635. Sheldon Grunwald was driving his vehicle

636. on the northbound lane of U.S. highway 30,

637. when the rear of his automobile was struck from behing

638. by a car driven by the defendant,

639. Mile Rita Filagree.

640. In conclusion, your Honor, I would like the jury

641. to listen to a tape.

642. Hey, Wally, being in court is really neat stuff.

643. Knock it off! I don't want the judge to yell at us.

644. Are you prepared with your case?

645. Yes I am, your Honor.

646. Then call your first witness.

647. The number of a Sheldon Gunwald.

648. That's me.

649. Nevermind, operator, I found him myself.

650. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,

651. the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

652. I do.

653. You've made me so happy!

654. We will tell you only that Mr. Grunwald is salaried, deals in a service,

655. and we'll start the questioning with Mr. Hornung.

656. Mr. Grunwald, would I be more likely to use your service

657. than... let's say, my wife?

658. That's five down, and forty-five to go.

659. I think I'll pass to Arlene.

660. Sorry, we're running short of time. We'll flip all the cards now..

661. And I'll tell you that, in fact, Mr. Grunwald is a spoon.

662. Mr. Grunwald,

663. in addition to your occupation as a spool...

664. No, spoon!

665. Ah yes, spoon.

666. Of course, "spool" doesn't make much sense.

667. Mr. Grunwald, in addition to your occupation as a spoon,

668. is it not true that you are a driving instructor?

669. No.

670. - Then it is true? - Yes.

671. That you're not a driving instructor?

672. No.

673. Your Honor, I object to this line of questioning.

674. Overruled.

675. Very well, then. I'd like some time to go over my briefs.

676. Please.

677. They're fine.

678. Your witness, council.

679. Please state your first name.

680. Sheldon.

681. Mr. Grunwald,

682. what does ... that exactly mean?

683. Happy birthday to you...

684. Happy birthday dear - Sheldon.

685. Mr. Grunwald,

686. would you kindly tell the court the fabric of which your shirt is made?

687. Objection! That shirt is immaterial.

688. Sustained.

689. Very well, then.

690. Mr. Grunwald, please follow me to the south end of the courtroom.

691. Objection! The council is leading the witness.

692. Sustained.

693. Mr. Hornung, Mr. Taylor, approach the bench.

694. While the judge conferres with the attorneys,

695. let's pause for this brief message.

696. What is our little skeptic doing today?

697. She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil.

698. The judge will ask Mr. Hornung to show relevance.

699. Mr. Hornung, you are going to have to show relevance.

700. Not only will I show relevance,

701. I will show how these facts relate to the case.

702. I call to the stand,

703. Miss Rita Filagree.

704. As everybody expected, a surprise witness.

705. Miss Filagree was a passenger in the Grunwald vehicle,

706. but was pronounced dead at the scene.

707. I do.

708. Miss Filagree, as a passenger in the Grunwald vehicle,

709. can you identify the man driving the blue Buick?

710. Yes.

711. Is he in this courtroom right now?

712. Yes!

713. Can you point him out to me?

714. I can't do it.

715. I just can't do it.

716. Young lady, are you familiar with the penal codes in this State?

717. You would not cry, if you were just getting yelled at, would you, Wally?

718. Heck no, Beef! But girls are different.

719. If a guy cried, everybody would think he was a creep or something.

720. Gee, Wally. I guess you're right.

721. Young lady,

722. are you aware that to withhold evidence,

723. pertinent to a crime, so heinious... - No.

724. - "Hineous"? - No.

725. "Hinéous."

726. I think it's pronounced "heenus"

727. No, you wouldn't say "your heenus."

728. No! Ladies and gentlemen, I have it right here.

729. Any of a family of cowardly, carnivorous beasts of Asia and Africa.

730. Hey, look, Wally.

731. Lay off, will you!

732. You see? I told you we'd get harred at.

733. We mean no harm to your planet.

734. Your Honor, the prosecution is making a mockery of this courtroom!

735. All right.

736. He's sitting over there.

737. Oh, no. Him!

738. The bailiff is now trying to the driver of the blue Buick.

739. Everybody is, of course, anxiously awaiting

740. the identification of the mystery driver.

741. He could blow the case wide open.

742. Perhaps the next person to...

743. That's him!

744. Announcer Steven McCrosky was found guilty,

745. and sentenced to twenty years in a federal penitentiary.

746. Stenographer Gordon Simley had a sex change operation,

747. and is now a switch-hitter for the Atlanta Braves.

748. Wallace and Theodore Cleaver had their allowance suspended,

749. and was sent to bed without supper.

750. She was six feet of black dynamite.

751. He was a short hasidic jew.

752. She fought a savage battle to stay alive in the ghetto.

753. He studied the Talmud at night..

754. While she burned the ghetto to the ground,

755. he kindled the sabbath candles.

756. Theirs was a love of passion!

757. A torrid sensual lust fueled by those who said no!

758. They alone dared to triumph in a hellish inferno

759. of unrelenting desire.

760. Never before has the screen unleashed such violent fury.

761. Never again will one man

762. and one woman defy such incredible odds.

763. Together,

764. no one could stop them.

765. Whether we know it or not,

766. chemicals play an important and ever increasing role

767. in our daily life.

768. One of the most widely used chemical compounds

769. is zinc oxide. This policeman,

770. this farmer,

771. and this housewife don't realize it,

772. but they all depend on zinc oxide in their daily lives.

773. But how do I use zinc oxide?

774. If it wasn't for zinc oxide, you wouldn't have that bar of soap.

775. The dish towels you use every day.

776. Your toaster.

777. That brassiere you're wearing.

778. Your kitchen sink.

779. Those curtain rods.

780. The shelves in your refrigerator.

781. Metal hooks.

782. The heat control on your stove.

783. The safety catch on your son's rifle. That fire extinguisher.

784. The emergency brake on your car.

785. All brakes.

786. That blanket.

787. How about sand?

788. Yes, sand.

789. Oh, my God!

790. Your husband's pacemaker.

791. Your artificial limb.

792. Yes, zinc oxide at work in our daily life.

793. Watch for "Science series number seven":

794. It's been said that the test of a man's courage

795. is how he performs in the face of danger.

796. You are gonna meet a very unique breed of cat.

797. The kind of man that doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear".

798. Rex Kramer, part-time airplane mechanic, full-time daredevil.

799. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure.

800. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it.

801. Rex Kramer. Danger seeker.

802. Niggers!

803. Turn on the tv, I think the news is on

804. Forget it!

805. Come on, turn on the tv.

806. Governor Billingsley goes on trial today for extortion.

807. Billingsley is the fourth governor in U.S. history to be tried for a crime while in office.

808. U.S. attorney Mark Fielding is the prosecutor,

809. and Billingsley charges that Fielding is trying to destroy him,

810. and "hand pick the next governor."

811. Senator John Hammond of New Mexico says

812. that a report scheduled for release next week, will embarass the CIA

813. and the FBI.

814. The report will not damage the agencies,

815. and recommend resignation of any senator

816. who leaks secret intellegency information.

817. In Detroit, top officials of the United Rubber Workers Union,

818. are concentrating their contract talks

819. on the big three tire and rubber companies.

820. Because of the wage price freeze three years ago,

821. the union didn't get a "cost of living" clause in its contract

822. and this time the URW is demanding

823. an unlimited "cost of living" clause.

824. The businesses are in turmoil and traffic is at a standstill,

825. as more than 500,000 Japanese railway workers

826. staged a three day strike which began today.

827. Officials say the strike disrupted

828. the lifes of...

829. 17 million city-dwellers across Japan,

830. who use trains to get to work

831. or to school.

832. Commuters are scrambled to find alternative ways

833. to get to their jobs as the traffic clogs Tokyo's streets.

834. Tens of thousands of lower level employees

835. were forced to stay in their desks...

836. They camp out in desks and...

837. because clo... stores were closing down.

838. Strike...

839. there is what's happening ...

840. in Japan ... with those Japanese.

841. Prices on the stock market softened this afternoon

842. from readings earlier in the day

843. as the pace of trading is slacking.

844. tributes the stabilisation

845. to the recent deregulation of foreign imports.

846. A tragedy struck the new Hitchcock home development today,

847. when a gas explosion ripped through

848. their recreation center.

849. The explosion claimed the life of the owner

850. of the development, Mr. James Hitchcock...

851. and his entire family of five.

852. Three others were injured

853. and two are listed as missing.

854. Sudan revealed evidence, ehh,

855. wednesday night, that colonel Hernando Escalante of Libya

856. is trying to buy fruits... and arms... and legs...

857. to Uganda to assist president Adi Amin.

858. Goodnight and thank you

859. for joining us

860. on "Eye Witness News."

861. I'm not wearing any pants. Film at 11:00.