The Interview (2014)

1. We now turn to the hostile nation of North Korea.

2. The rocket they are testing is big enough...

3. to reach the West Coast of the United States.

4. Today, an official of the United Nations tried to tell the world...

5. so there will be no mistake...

6. that we are living in the midst of a modern-day Hitler.

7. A young, untested leader with nuclear ambition—

8. - Kim Jong-un. - Kim Jong-un.

9. We are talking about Kim Jong-un.

10. Good evening. I'm Dave Skylark.

11. Tonight, we are joined by 13-time Grammy winner...

12. Oscar-winning songwriter, Detroit's own:

13. Eminem.

14. He'll speak with us about his new album which has been mired in controversy...

15. concerning lyrics that some view as demeaning...

16. to the elderly.

17. Tonight...

18. on Skylark Tonight.

19. And...

20. action.

21. "It's hell to be Shady

22. Yesterday, I yelled a degrading insult At an elderly lady

23. Then I asked her how it felt to be 80

24. F-word a senior citizen

25. Suck a wiener, sit and spin"

26. - "Suck a wiener, sit and spin" - It's funny.

27. "And why you drive so slow for?

28. Don't you wanna get Where you're going faster

29. Since you'll probably die tomorrow You old whore?

30. Die, old bitch, die

31. Before I murder you"

32. What do you mean by this, Em?

33. Well, first of all, I feel like when I rap, like...

34. people twist my words.

35. Okay. But can you see how an old person might say:

36. "I think what this guy is telling me, this Eminem...

37. is that I should go kill myself, and, you know, I don't like that"?

38. I mean, I don't necessarily rap about...

39. the things that I hate.

40. It's more about the things that I fear.

41. I get you.

42. - If I talk about women or whatever. - Yes.

43. A lot of that is more or less me just dealing with issues with...

44. old issues with my mom or whatever.

45. With your mother?

46. Yeah, or, you know, when I say things about gay people...

47. or people think my lyrics are homophobic.

48. It's because I'm gay.

49. - When I rap about violence... - Wait.

50. or, you know, sound like I'm promoting violence...

51. - ... I think that it's more or less... - What? What? What?

52. because, you know, it's kind of about me just confronting it.

53. What did he just say?

54. He said he was gay.

55. Dave. Dave, we're pretty sure we just heard him say he was gay.

56. Em, let's just back it up a moment.

57. You...

58. just said...

59. that you were gay?

60. And I'm just curious what you meant by that exactly.

61. I mean I'm gay.

62. I'm a little confused here because "gay" can mean a lot of things.

63. I am a homosexual.

64. Meaning...?

65. I like men.

66. What the fuck just happened?

67. Eminem said he was gay four times. That's what the fuck just happened.

68. - Holy shit. - Holy shit.

69. Eminem's gay on our show.

70. Oh, my God. Camera two.

71. Gay Twitter's blowing up.

72. Change the chyron. "Eminem gay?"

73. Dave, keep him talking. Keep him talking.

74. Push in on gay Eminem. The greatest moment in gay history!

75. —are probably shocked by what you're saying right now.

76. I'm more shocked that people haven't figured it out.

77. It's like I've been playing gay peekaboo.

78. - Gay peekaboo. - Yeah.

79. - But... - Shit. Camera one.

80. - This interview is over. Shut it off. - No! Get out of here.

81. I am Marshall's publicist. Pull the plug now.

82. This is gold! This is the best interview we've ever done!

83. What happens if I do this?

84. - Don't touch my buttons! - Shut it off! Shut it off!

85. - Get him the fuck out of here! - I'm gonna murder you!

86. Thank you. Dave, look, I got the lyrics. Say what I say.

87. What did you mean when you rapped:

88. "I said nice rectum, I had a—"

89. "--vasectomy, Hector

90. So you can't get pregnant If I bisexually wreck ya"?

91. I've pretty much just been leaving a breadcrumb trail of gayness.

92. - I see that now. - You know?

93. But, yeah, actually, Hector was a real person.

94. Hector and his rectum were real.

95. - It's real! Hector's rectum is real! - Holy shit. Yes!

96. - Slim Shady, everyone! - I knew it!

97. - Dude, dude! - Aaron. Bring it in.

98. - Oh, my God. - Bring it in, big boy!

99. Oh, my God.

100. - Oh, my God. - What the heck just happened?

101. The real Slim Shady just stood up. That's what happened!

102. - This is like Spike Lee said he's white! - I can't believe this.

103. - You the man! You the man! - You're the man!

104. - You're the best! - You're the best.

105. Listen, I'm gonna go get my makeup off. I want you to meet me downstairs.

106. Dude, where are we going?

107. I thought we were going to the Hamptons.

108. - What is this place? - We're just, you know...

109. just hanging out.

110. - Okay. - All right, all right, all right.

111. It's a surprise party for you.

112. What? Why? Why did you just tell me that?

113. Because I'm so excited! This is gonna be great!

114. - I don't understand what's happening. - Surprise!

115. All right, all right, I already told him!

116. - You're the best in the world, cocksucker. - Not now, Malcolm. Come on.

117. Thank you. Why is this happening?

118. You've been with us for 1000 episodes!

119. - Are you kidding me? - Ten years, baby!

120. - Come on. - Thank you. I appreciate it.

121. All right, now, I know we all like to keep it light, keep it fun.

122. I'm gonna take it to a serious tip.

123. I'm gonna talk about Aaron.

124. Before we started working together, my show barely broke the top 15.

125. So I called this professor at the Columbia School of Journalism...

126. that I was having sex with, and I said:

127. "I need someone smarter than anyone in entertainment!

128. I need a real journalist!"

129. Aaron, you are...

130. the Samwise Gamgee...

131. to my Frodo Baggins.

132. You are the Gandalf to my Bilbo Baggins.

133. But of all The Lord of the Rings references I could make...

134. this is the most important:

135. I am Gollum.

136. And you're my precious.

137. Sméagol needs Aaron.

138. One Ring to rule them all!

139. And in the darkness bind them.

140. Now, get up here! Get up here!

141. - Come up here, buddy. I love you. - Okay.

142. - I fucking love you. - I love—

143. - Hey. - Hey.

144. Jake.

145. Hey.

146. Yeah, like, what's that? Come on, man, what's happening?

147. - Hey, yeah. What's happening? - How's it going, dude?

148. We haven't seen each other since graduation. Right?

149. Yeah. Probably.

150. And, wait, am I wrong? You're a junior producer on 60 Minutes, right?

151. - I'm now a senior producer. Yeah. - No way, man. That's awesome.

152. Look at us. Both producing news for television.

153. Yeah.

154. - What was that? - Nothing.

155. It was something. What's the joke?

156. You've got your job, I've got mine. But they're different.

157. Yours is cool. Mine's just a little more serious.

158. What? We have the same job.

159. I report real news. You know, stuff that matters.

160. You report on all the cool: "Who's getting new boobs?"

161. And the fun eating-disorder stuff.

162. You really helped build up 60 Minutes too, right?

163. - It's only been on for 80 fucking years. - Look, I'm sorry.

164. I shouldn't say this, but we got an opening at 60 Minutes.

165. - And we could use somebody like you. - Are you serious?

166. I'm fucking with you, man. Come on! You'd be eaten alive at our office.

167. I'm gonna catch up with these guys, but cheers, man, congrats.

168. Or whatever.

169. When did the hair begin to go?

170. I would say, around The Outsiders.

171. When you're ready.

172. I don't think I'll ever be ready, but...

173. Oh, wig's coming off.

174. Oh, Jesus fuck.

175. Why does he keep the long pieces? His head looks like somebody's taint.

176. - You barely look different. - Thanks, man.

177. You said you were bald. I see a little stuff on top.

178. - So freeing! - Rob.

179. Is there anything that you would like to say to America?

180. Good evening. I'm Phillip Sterling with a UBS News special report.

181. Kim Jong-un's military forces...

182. targeted an uninhabited South Pacific island...

183. with a 15-megaton thermonuclear ICBM.

184. We're not live anymore.

185. - They cut our feed. - Off the air?

186. Goddamn it!

187. Rob, put your fucking wig on. They fucked us. Goddamn it!

188. What's going on?

189. Dude, seriously, what is up with you?

190. Know how I'm good at picking up energies?

191. You're shooting off a slightly cunty vibe right now. What's going on?

192. We have millions of viewers every night and what do we do?

193. We just shovel shit into their faces. We could be doing something positive.

194. We could be having on authors, activists, politicians.

195. That's what people want. "Give us some shit. Mangia.

196. We're the people, give us the shit. Mangia, mangia."

197. I wanted to cover actual news...

198. not Nicki Minaj's vagina flopping out at the Grammys.

199. - You don't like brown sugar? - Nothing to do with that.

200. I can't keep doing this, okay? We have to change!

201. Fine.

202. - Are you serious right now? - Yeah.

203. - Do you promise you'll do this? - If you promise you'll never leave.

204. - If you promise, I promise. - Same time.

205. - One, two, three. Promise. - Promise.

206. - Okay. - Okay. That's all we had to say.

207. - Don't put me through that. - Fine. Okay.

208. I hate it when we fight.

209. No, this is not a joke, okay?

210. - I think you're being condescending. - Look, look, look.

211. One sec. Shut up, I'm on the phone, okay?

212. Dude. The fuck, man? That was John Kerry's office.

213. Forget that oak tree-looking fuck. This tops it.

214. The Times printed it about North Korea. Read the bottom.

215. After all the death-camp shit.

216. "Although Kim Jong-un rallies his people...

217. with cries for the destruction of the United States of America...

218. he is known to be an avid consumer of American entertainment.

219. His favorite shows are The Big Bang Theory..."

220. And...?

221. "... and Skylark Tonight."

222. This is great! This is what you were talking about!

223. I interview this guy.

224. Are you joking? He's the most reclusive leader on the planet.

225. He lives in North Korea. We can't go there.

226. Dave Skylark...

227. gets in anywhere.

228. Do you remember that club?

229. Three-month waiting list. First night.

230. I don't think it's quite the same thing.

231. - There were a lot of Asian girls there. - It's impossible, Dave.

232. Here's what we'll do. We're gonna do that interview.

233. Everyone is gonna take you super-duper seriously.

234. - And then you're never gonna leave me. - North Korea's in the Olympics, right?

235. I bet they have an office to communicate with the Olympic Committee...

236. so there's probably some infrastructure for communicating through that.

237. - Those wheels are turning. - If I leave a message for that office...

238. then maybe, if they're a fan, that can actually work.

239. We could interview the most famous man on the planet.

240. Guys, some pictures just came out...

241. where it looks like McConaughey's fucking a goat.

242. - McConaughey goat fuck? - McConaughey goat fuck.

243. We obviously have to have him on to do that.

244. So put that together. But we're doing this North Korea thing.

245. - First thing tomorrow. - Book him!

246. - Get him! Get the goat! - On him.

247. Get the goat! I got some questions for that goat.

248. This is Aaron Rapaport from Skylark Tonight.

249. We heard your Supreme Leader is a fan of our show...

250. and we'd love to have him on.

251. Please get back to me.

252. I'm about to head into a meeting, but I'll be around in the morning.

253. Hope to hear from you.

254. Yeah.

255. - Hi. - Hey.

256. - Where to? - Mercer and Spring, please.

257. Hello?

258. Hello? Who this?

259. - I am trying to reach Aaron Rapaport. - You got Aaron Rapaport. Who this is?

260. You left word with our office regarding an interview.

261. Look, Dave, is this you?

262. Because if it is, you're doing a terrible Asian accent.

263. Me so sorry. Me gots to go now, son.

264. I am from the office of Sook-yin Park...

265. Secretary of Communications for the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

266. Oh, my God.

267. Shit. Me so sorry.

268. I mean, I'm so sorry.

269. I mean, I'm so sorr— I'm so— I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

270. We would like to discuss a meeting...

271. between the Supreme Leader and Dave Skylark.

272. Security concerns dictate the matter be discussed in person.

273. Okay, great. Where do you do that?

274. We will meet at latitude 40.1326.

275. Longitude 123.9889.

276. I'm not totally familiar with my longitudes and latitudes.

277. Where is that again?

278. Fifty kilometers west of Dandong, northeastern China.

279. Did you just say "China"?

280. And did you just say "dong"?

281. I'm going to motherfucking China, y'all.

282. Excuse me. Can I get in there?

283. Thank you.

284. Hi there.

285. No, thank you. I'll just get it through secondhand smoke.

286. Selfie.

287. Where the fuck are they?

288. What the fuck...?

289. No, no!

290. I'm not—! No!

291. I'm an American journalist. Aaron Rapaport.

292. I was invited here. Please don't kill me!

293. I come in peace! I'm here for interview.

294. Please don't kill me!

295. Mr. Rapaport, I am Sook-yin Park.

296. The Supreme Leader will grant an interview...

297. to Mr. Skylark from inside North Korea.

298. All questions will be supplied by the Supreme Leader.

299. Terms are nonnegotiable. You have 24 hours to decide.

300. - That's it? - Yes.

301. Why didn't you tell me over the phone? Or Skype? Do you guys have Skype?

302. Okay, well...

303. Look, could you give me some water? That guy has water!

304. Please give me a ride somewhere.

305. I didn't pack well for this trip.

306. I packed like a fool! Like a goddamn fool!

307. Please! Please!

308. Damn, she was sexy.

309. The fucking helicopter landed.

310. I'm in the middle of nowhere.

311. Two soldiers jump out. I think I'm gonna get killed!

312. Then, out comes Sook. I told you about her.

313. She comes out. She's hot.

314. - How hot? - Super sexy.

315. - Get in there? - Yeah, I fucked her.

316. - My fucking man! - No, I didn't do that, dude. No!

317. She said we can't ask our own questions.

318. They were gonna write the questions. We can't do it.

319. We're essentially letting him interview himself with your mouth.

320. Look. Look at this buttfuck!

321. He's got a whole parade of nukes. He's ready to use them.

322. When you score a bin Laden...

323. or a Hitler...

324. or an Un...

325. you take it by the balls!

326. It's the first rule of journalism. Give the people what they want.

327. That's not the first rule.

328. That's the first rule of circuses and demolition derbies.

329. This is the biggest interview since Frosty/Nixon.

330. - "Frosty/Nixon"? - In 10 years...

331. Ron Howard's gonna make a movie out of this.

332. We do this, we can interview any president on the planet.

333. And then you can ask them the real questions.

334. This is like eating our vegetables.

335. Once you eat those, then you get to eat the steak.

336. And we know Aaron wants his steak.

337. This is like The Lord of the Rings.

338. Okay?

339. I'm actually like...

340. Frodo Baggins.

341. And you are my Sam.

342. My Samwise.

343. - I can't do it without you. - Okay.

344. Come with me to Mordor.

345. - Okay. Let's fucking do it. Yeah. - Yeah?

346. As always, I'd like to thank my guest:

347. Joe Gordon-Levitt!

348. And before we go, I have a very special announcement.

349. With the help of my outstanding producer, Aaron Rapaport...

350. I have secured the most important interview of the 21st century.

351. Three weeks from tonight...

352. I will be traveling to Pyongyang, North Korea...

353. to conduct the first globally broadcast interview...

354. with President Kim Jong-un.

355. I am deeply humbled and profoundly honored...

356. to accept this most awesome responsibility.

357. Apparently Dave Skylark will be interviewing the dictator of North Korea.

358. Hundred bucks, Skylark thinks he's the guy from "Gangnam Style."

359. —obscene glorification of a brutal dictator.

360. This is a man who tortures, terrorizes and starves his own people.

361. - Skylark is beneath despicable. - Fuck this.

362. Meow.

363. What a fucking bitch, am I right?

364. No, you're not right. He's not being a bitch. He's completely right.

365. He's motherfucking peanut butter and jealous!

366. He's not jealous.

367. - He's putting K-Y jealous all over his dick. - What is there to be jealous of?

368. Fuckers hate us because they ain't us.

369. They hate us because we anus? What does anus have to do with this?

370. They hate us because they ain't us.

371. That's not what it is.

372. - Yes, it is. - No, it's not.

373. They hate us because we is us, and what we is doing is fucking terrible.

374. - They hate us because they ain't us. - Stop saying that.

375. - Hate us because they ain't us. - They don't!

376. Hate us because they ain't us. I'm used to it.

377. - They hate us because they ain't us. - Stop it. Stop it. Don't say it again!

378. Baby.

379. Haters gonna hate.

380. And ain'ters gonna ain't.

381. That is not an actual thing that people say.

382. This is what you do to haters.

383. You just smile.

384. What is that?

385. The strongest ecstasy I've ever done in my life.

386. Oh, what the fuck.

387. Okay.

388. Okay, I'm coming.

389. Oh, shit.

390. Oh, God.

391. Mr. Rapaport.

392. I'm Agent Lacey with Central Intelligence. And this is my partner, Agent Botwin.

393. Yo, Aaron, whoever that is, tell them to fuck off.

394. Dave, it's not—

395. Yo, I don't know who I fucked last night...

396. but I got some stink dick.

397. Yo, my dick stinks!

398. So weird how you, like...

399. just wanna keep smelling it, though.

400. Yo, you gotta come over and smell this shit!

401. Come smell this. You gotta identify this. I don't know what it is.

402. Excuse him.

403. He has stink dick.

404. It kind of smells like guacamole.

405. May we come in?

406. Would you like a drink...

407. or some of Aaron's cocaine?

408. - This is not our coke. This is our— - No, I'm sure it's not.

409. So how can we—? What can we do you for?

410. - To what do we owe the pleasure? - Well, Aaron, Dave...

411. as I'm sure you know already...

412. Kim Jong-un is now capable of nuking all of the West Coast.

413. The point is, we're talking about nuclear nations at war with each other.

414. Nuclear.

415. He does have one tactical advantage over the West.

416. He's more than willing to let millions and millions of his own people die.

417. Explosions. All over my face.

418. I'm sorry. We had kind of a long night.

419. Why are you telling us all this information?

420. We're telling you this because you two lucky gentlemen...

421. are going to be in a room alone with him.

422. - And congratulations, by the way. - That's right!

423. Which is why we're here.

424. The CIA would love it...

425. if you two could...

426. take him out.

427. - Take him out. - Take him out?

428. - Like, for drinks? - No, no, no.

429. - Take him out. - Take out.

430. - Like, to dinner? - Out to a meal?

431. Take him out.

432. - Like, on the town? - Party?

433. No...

434. Take him out.

435. You want us to assassinate...

436. the leader of North Korea?

437. - Yes. - What?

438. Won't they just get another chubby dude with a goofy hairdo...

439. - ... to come in and replace him? - Exactly. Exactly.

440. We're aware of a faction in the existing leadership that already wants him gone.

441. They're too scared to act alone.

442. And they need you two to go in there, remove Kim...

443. embolden them to revolt...

444. and take over.

445. Are you, Agent Lacey, going to be involved?

446. I am going to be in your ear...

447. by your side, every step of the way.

448. Then I have one answer.

449. No more Kim.

450. You know what? I think we should talk about it more.

451. - All right, we're just gonna go talk. - By all means.

452. Just for the record, I don't have stank dick.

453. Come over here, come here, come in here.

454. Dude. I think we need to do this.

455. - She is so cool. - You don't see what's happening.

456. - And it's so obvious, it's crazy, man. - What?

457. - They're honeypotting us. - What?

458. It's an attractive spy woman who lures men into doing shit.

459. How can you not see that?

460. - Because that is so sexist. - Is it?

461. This is 2014. Women are smart now.

462. You think she just so happens to have everything you find attractive?

463. Bangs, giant tits, glasses?

464. - They're fake, man. - Fake glasses?

465. - How could the CIA come up with that? - That poor girl is blind as a bat.

466. I'm just saying that when we're on molly and when we're horned up, might not—

467. - "Horned up"? Oh, please. - You are horned up.

468. You have half a fucking chub right now!

469. - Take your hands away. I saw the boner. - I'm not doing it.

470. Move your fucking hands.

471. - Fine! You wanna see it? - Yeah.

472. Feast your eyes.

473. I'm gonna go poop out these drugs. You're gonna go jerk off these thoughts.

474. If we both still wanna talk about this afterwards, we can. But not until then.

475. Dave Skylark never backs down from a jerk-off.

476. In three days...

477. you will fly from New York to Beijing...

478. where you will transfer to a commercial airline...

479. that takes you directly to Pyongyang.

480. I'm sorry, this is completely unrelated, but...

481. what happened to your glasses?

482. - I got LASIK. - Between the time I saw you and now?

483. - Yes. - Okay.

484. Now, our intelligence suggests that you will be taken here...

485. to Kim Jong-un's personal compound.

486. So preceding the interview...

487. you are going to shake Kim's hand...

488. administering a fatal dose of poison...

489. with this: a transdermal, time-delayed ricin strip.

490. When you shake his hand...

491. the poison will be absorbed into his skin...

492. where it metabolizes for a 12-hour period.

493. Nobody will have any idea you two were involved.

494. No one will know?

495. The United States must maintain total and complete deniability.

496. - Total deniability? - Obviously.

497. What did you picture?

498. I walk in there like a fucking gangster...

499. and blow his little fucking ass away on television.

500. This is a major television event.

501. You don't wanna blow it with an off-screen death.

502. Okay? Look, in porno, we call this the money shot.

503. You don't have a bunch of dudes going at it.

504. Then, right before they finish, you cut to black and say:

505. "Oh, don't worry, 12 hours later, they came all over each other."

506. No! You want them all over, close-up.

507. All over his face.

508. The end!

509. - Bam! - What kind of porn are you watching?

510. What happens when his guards start firing at you...

511. for killing their leader in front of them?

512. - Good question. - My bulletproof vest—

513. No, you don't have a bulletproof vest.

514. - You don't have one. - I will dodge those bullets.

515. What happens after you escape the compound?

516. I look back over my shoulder, I see Aaron.

517. I grab him by the hand. We run out into the woods.

518. Perhaps there's a secret tunnel there.

519. We exit said tunnel.

520. At a designated spot...

521. SEAL Team 6 swoops in...

522. puts us on one of those inflatable motorboats.

523. We hit the water. We're out of there, on our way to you.

524. If you tried to do this, what would kill you first?

525. - Subfreezing temperatures. - I don't like the cold.

526. - Okay, we wear— - Starvation. Starve to death.

527. You're telling me the CIA doesn't have North Face jackets and Pirate Booty?

528. Cap'n Crunch?

529. - What about Siberian tigers? - What?

530. You're not going to shoot him. Not going to be a bulletproof vest.

531. And nobody is going to know that you had anything to do with this.

532. That's it. That's the plan.

533. - Period. - Okay.

534. Two years later, I come out with my best-selling tell-all:

535. An Unexpected Journey:

536. Dave Skylark's Adventures in North Korea.

537. You can't write a tell-all.

538. We were in an oddly shaped gray room at the CIA Headquarters.

539. - The titillating Agent Lacey— - Stop doing that.

540. - Why? - There's no tell-all.

541. "There's no tell-all," Agent Lacey said.

542. She looked at him.

543. She trembled with rage.

544. - Or was it passion? - Stop it.

545. I just want everybody to know that I know what you did to me.

546. - What? - With the glasses. Honeycombed me.

547. - What does that mean? - You honeypotted him.

548. - It's "honeypot." - You honeypotted me.

549. - You honeypotted him. - No, I didn't.

550. He said a lot of stupid shit in the last 10 minutes, but you did honeypot him.

551. I bet you got him in here as a honeydick, in case I'm gay. But I'm not.

552. But if I was, I would've seen him coming a mile away.

553. - You honeydicking? - Look.

554. She's not honeypotting you. I'm not honeydicking him.

555. It's very offensive. If you think about it...

556. you're saying because I'm a girl and because I'm attractive...

557. my only use for this agency would be to manipulate men.

558. I think it's offensive too. That's what I said to Aaron.

559. I said, "That bitch is blind as a bat."

560. Could we please move on?

561. We have a dictator to kill.

562. When handling the ricin strip, operate with extreme caution.

563. Even momentary flesh contact with the exposed strip is fatal.

564. The poison will lay dormant for 12 hours.

565. After it passes the blood-brain barrier, your heart rate would shoot up to 160.

566. Your body will strain to reject the poison by sweating, defecating, vomiting.

567. Within minutes, you will be dead. Got it?

568. Aaron peels off the film marked "A"...

569. exposing the adhesive coating.

570. - He applies the strip to Dave's palm. - Okay.

571. Aaron will then remove the film marked "B," exposing the ricin.

572. - Clear. Okay. - Okay, clear. Okay.

573. Dave needs to appear casual as he is transferred from his room...

574. to the broadcast facility.

575. It is critical that he keeps his hand open and touches...

576. nothing.

577. Dave Skylark.

578. Mr. Kim, just shaking hands.

579. Hi.

580. Nice to meet you.

581. Dave will bow to Kim, then shake his hand...

582. immediately disposing of the strip in his jacket pocket, which will be lined...

583. with an absorbing agent that denatures the poison.

584. Oh, no.

585. Aaron! Aaron!

586. - Agent Lacey! What's this mean? - You're dead.

587. All right, Mr. Skylark, so you'll place the ricin case in this pouch.

588. It will magnetically seal. And then, you're good to go.

589. So you want me to carry this bag?

590. This is the bag.

591. This is a douche bag.

592. The watches conceal an array of tactical functions.

593. It's how you stay in contact with me in the command center.

594. Aaron to Dave.

595. Radio communication is done using call signs.

596. - Cool. - Dave, you are Dung Beetle.

597. - And, Aaron, you are Aardvark. - What?

598. - I can't carry this thing! - What do you mean?

599. Aerodynamics are all off. It's hitting my leg. It's, like, bulky.

600. Remember, gentlemen:

601. You are entering into the most dangerous and unpredictable country on earth.

602. Kim Jong-un is a master manipulator.

603. His people revere him as a god.

604. They'll believe anything he tells them, including that he can speak to dolphins...

605. or he doesn't urinate and defecate.

606. My man doesn't pee or poo?

607. He does. He lies to his people and they believe him.

608. Everybody pees and poos. Where would it go? He'd explode.

609. But he does talk to dolphins.

610. All right, how do I look? Fucking awesome?

611. Yeah, actually, this is really, really nice—

612. - What the fuck is this? - It's my bag.

613. Wonderful. That's not the bag the CIA gave you.

614. - Oh, that bag? - Yes, that bag.

615. That bag was fugly with a capital "fug"!

616. It was designed to conceal poison that we're gonna smuggle in.

617. Kim is a superfan.

618. He knows I take fashion risks.

619. I show up with that other bag, Kim's gonna be like:

620. "Aw, no. You got ugly bag?

621. You no Skylark. You secret agent. Terminate him."

622. - Where's the fucking poison strip? - I put the strip in a pack of gum.

623. - They'll never find it. - I am not cool with this.

624. - It's showtime. - "Showtime"? It's not showtime.

625. - Dave Skylark Tonight! - What are you doing? Stop walking.

626. - Hello! - Stop walking.

627. We are going to North Korea.

628. Skylark, which side of President Kim's ass you gonna kiss?

629. Not gonna kiss him, but let's just say...

630. I might give him something special with my hand.

631. You gonna jerk him off?

632. - What? No, that's a double entendre! - Shut the fuck up!

633. - I'm foreshadowing! - Just shut up! Get in the fucking car!

634. Shut up! Shut up!

635. Why would you say that? Why would you say that?

636. All right. Here we go.

637. What's that noise?

638. - I don't know. Yeah. - Do you hear that?

639. This is crazy.

640. Hello, North Korea!

641. Crazy.

642. - Okay, okay. - North side!

643. Okay, hi. Sorry about what he's doing.

644. Hello.

645. I like your style.

646. Good to see you again. How are you?

647. - Hi. - Hello.

648. - Hello. - This is great.

649. Dave, this is Sook-yin Park.

650. - Sook? The Sook? - Yes. Yes.

651. - That you won't stop talking about? - That's not true.

652. We are different people.

653. We speak different languages.

654. We have different faces.

655. But inside...

656. we are same-same.

657. Same-same.

658. But different.

659. But still same.

660. Thank you.

661. You know, I'm very, very interested in the history of your young nation.

662. I hear that absolutely everyone here is starving to death.

663. No.

664. It's quite all right.

665. - This is a common misconception. - Oh, okay.

666. See for yourself.

667. It's a grocery store! Looks like the Whole Foods near my place.

668. Yep. Guess no one's hungry here after all.

669. We have an abundance of food here.

670. And speak of the devil, look at that fat kid.

671. Hi, little fatty. Hi.

672. We have many fat children in North Korea.

673. The Supreme Leader believes it is a hallmark...

674. of prosperity and self-sufficiency.

675. I don't know about all that, but this one is one that I heard.

676. I heard he doesn't pee or poo.

677. He works so hard, he burns the energy from inside.

678. My man doesn't have to take a poo?

679. - Does he have a butthole? - He does not have a butthole.

680. He has no need for one.

681. - Damn, son. - Damn.

682. Right this way.

683. I get it. Fucking stop it.

684. These are Officers Koh and Yu.

685. They are the heads of our Supreme Leader's personal security.

686. They have been with him since he was a boy.

687. They will search you one last time before entering our Supreme Leader's home.

688. Just a Gucci bag.

689. What's this?

690. Gum. That is gum.

691. - You fucking tried it. - Okay.

692. - This gum has no flavor. - If you don't like it, spit it out.

693. Spit it out. We wouldn't be insulted.

694. - Your gum taste like shit. - Okay.

695. You may now enter the Supreme Leader's home.

696. - This room for Mr. Skylark. - Cool.

697. Thanks.

698. This room for Mr. Rapaport.

699. Ooh, lovely. Thank you.

700. - Cute. - Quaint.

701. I'm tired. How are you feeling?

702. - We go now. - Okay.

703. Dude, what the fuck? Hey, you know, how's your tummy feeling?

704. - Have some TUMS. - Have some tea.

705. Fuck.

706. They could be recording?

707. - Oh, the thing. - The thing. Okay.

708. - Lovely room. Oh, yes. - Yeah.

709. - I'm gonna go take a shower now. - Okay.

710. - I'll take one with you. - Why with me?

711. Fake conversation.

712. - What the fuck, dude? - Oh, my God.

713. He ate it. He fucking ate it.

714. - You're not supposed to touch it. - And he ate it.

715. - Chewing. Chewing it! - Shit! Fuck.

716. Shit! He's gonna die.

717. Look, look, look.

718. He's probably Kim's triggerman, okay? He's probably killed, like, tons of people.

719. He's probably worse than Kim. And we're okay with killing Kim.

720. How the fuck are we gonna do that? We don't have any poison anymore!

721. Well, what happened to it?

722. - Somebody ate it. - Someone ate it?

723. - Why the fuck did you switch bags? - Yeah, Dave.

724. All right, all right!

725. I shouldn't have switched the bags. Sorry.

726. Listen, just sit tight.

727. I am going to contact you. Do not fall asleep.

728. I'll figure out a way to fix this.

729. - Thanks. Why'd you tell her? - It's the truth.

730. - Why'd you tell her that he ate it? - He did!

731. Dude. That was a cock block.

732. Get me Major Franks at the Osan Air Force Base.

733. ETA to launch zone: 20 minutes.

734. We have a bird en route.

735. It will be within range of you in 15 minutes.

736. Your watch will transmit the coordinates to guide in the package.

737. Get outside to a place with no tree cover where you can't be detected.

738. - Okay? - What—?

739. - Why do I have to do it? - Why you?

740. If Dung Beetle gets caught or killed, then we don't have a mission anymore.

741. - I could get caught or killed? - Hey!

742. Put on your darkest clothes and get outside now.

743. Make sure you are 20 yards away from the building.

744. Approaching launch zone.

745. - You ready? - I think so.

746. A little nervous, but I'm feeling okay. I think I can do it.

747. - What are you doing? - I'll cherish all our memories.

748. - Don't do this. - What?

749. Talk to me like I'm about to die, okay? I'll be fine!

750. I'm trying to psych myself up here.

751. I will love your mother like she was mine.

752. - Just shut up. - Okay.

753. - It's really scary out there. - Yeah, super-duper scary.

754. - Be careful. - Okay, good. You got me?

755. - I got you. - Okay.

756. - I will not drop you. I got you— - Don't drop me.

757. Aardvark, are you all right?

758. I'm fine. Shut the fuck up.

759. Aardvark is hot.

760. I repeat: Aardvark is H-O-T. Hot.

761. - This is so scary. - Aardvark:

762. You're being extremely brave. Everybody here is very proud of you.

763. - My tummy's all scraped up and wet. - Aardvark:

764. I'll rub your tummy when you get back.

765. Just a few more feet. Okay? Just five to 10 more feet.

766. I gotta keep going?

767. I don't wanna keep going. Fuck.

768. Package will deploy in three, two, one. Boom.

769. Package is inbound. Arrival time: two minutes.

770. Just five more feet. Five more feet and you're on your mark.

771. Hey, hey. Hey. Don't move.

772. I think I see something.

773. - There's something out there. - What do you mean?

774. What is it? Can you zoom in?

775. What do I do?

776. Comm One, are you seeing this?

777. Zoom in on that thing. What is that?

778. There's something crawling towards Aardvark.

779. What the fuck? What is it? Talk to me.

780. I'm seeing four legs connected to one body.

781. What the fuck are you seeing?

782. - Dog? Big dog? - A big dog?

783. It's like Clifford size. We're talking Falkor in The Neverending Story.

784. It's like a dragon dog. This is like a dragon dog.

785. - Is that a fucking—? - Guys?

786. - What am I looking for? I don't— - It's like a big dog.

787. It's orange, got stripes.

788. It's like a big, orange, stripy dog.

789. There's a tiger.

790. It's a fucking tiger!

791. It's a fucking tiger.

792. Yes. A tiger.

793. - You led my friend into a tiger patch? - I told you there were tigers.

794. Guys, I'm very unhappy right now.

795. It's really dark. He probably doesn't see you.

796. Oh, it fucking sees me.

797. - It has night vision. - They have night vision?

798. That tiger has night-vision goggles?

799. It doesn't have night-vision goggles. It naturally has night—

800. - What is this, some futuristic nightmare? - Just keep the line clear.

801. Aardvark is in trouble.

802. What do I do? What do I do?

803. Talk to me. Talk to me.

804. You're gonna have to fight that tiger.

805. No! Do not! Do not fight the tiger!

806. Do not be a gentleman. Go right for the balls!

807. - I don't see its balls. - Do not fight the tiger. You will lose.

808. If that's a girl tiger, you gotta cunt-punt that bitch!

809. - Dave, shut the fuck up! - Cunt-punt that bitch!

810. You know that's a stupid idea. Please, don't try to fight the tiger.

811. - I'm gonna make a run for it. - Do not run for it!

812. - You will die! - It's coming.

813. You go, go, go, buddy!

814. Look out, it's coming after you!

815. - Oh, God. I'm alive! - Aaron.

816. I'm alive!

817. Are you in the tiger? Are you inside the tiger?

818. Are you okay? Do you have the package?

819. This is Aardvark.

820. The package killed the tiger.

821. Fantastic. You have to secure the package.

822. Secure the package.

823. He's got the package. He has the package.

824. What do I do with it?

825. There are people coming. You have to act now.

826. Secure the package.

827. - What do I do with it? - They're coming towards you.

828. You gotta hide that little missile.

829. I have to hide it somewhere? Where?

830. What do I do with it? What do I do with it?

831. What if you hide it in your butt?

832. I don't wanna stick it in my ass.

833. You gotta put it in your butt.

834. Comm One, please tell me I don't have to stick this in my ass.

835. Okay. Just give us one second to come up with a better plan.

836. - Isn't there anywhere else? - I think he should put it in his asshole.

837. We don't have a better plan. Stick it in your ass.

838. No! No!

839. No!

840. I've never done that!

841. I've been there before. It looks huge.

842. - That tiger blood will lubricate it. - This will mess up my asshole!

843. Aardvark, there are people there.

844. They are closing in on you. They have guns.

845. You need to secure the payload.

846. - Secure it in your ass. - Stick it in your butt.

847. - Okay. Fine. Fine. Fine. - I'm there with you, bro.

848. Just listen to the soothing tones of my voice. Just breathe.

849. - Oh, it's cold! - Just let everything go loose.

850. - I don't like it! - The tip is...

851. It's the worst part. Trust me on this.

852. Inhale as you do it.

853. - The tip of the package is secure. - Comm One, that thing is in his butt!

854. You are almost in the end zone, Aardvark. Just take it home.

855. The package is secure.

856. You are a hero.

857. You are a goddamn hero.

858. All right, they're coming in. I gotta go. Over and out.

859. Oh, shit. Hi! Hi, don't shoot me! Oh, God!

860. Stop it! Don't hurt me, please!

861. See? There's nothing in here!

862. What?

863. Oh, God. No!

864. Come on! What the fuck?

865. Why? Why'd you do that?

866. Why'd you do that?

867. Is this what you want?

868. There! You like it?

869. You like it?

870. It's all yours, fuckers!

871. Stay in the room, American.

872. Hey.

873. - Did they look in your butt? - No, they didn't look!

874. - It's still in there? - Yes!

875. - Must be deep. - It is.

876. - Get it out! I'm here to help. - I'm gonna fucking get it out.

877. Hey, how'd it go?

878. - One ricin strip with your name on it. - Got it.

879. - All right. See? Not so bad. - Yeah, not so bad.

880. - What? - Yeah.

881. - That? - This.

882. - In your bu—? - Asshole.

883. - No! - Yes!

884. - I was picturing like this big. - That I could live with.

885. Soon as you get home, see a proctologist.

886. - I'm afraid to look. - You got fucked by RoboCop, dude.

887. Who is it?

888. It is Kim Jong-un.

889. What?

890. Kim Jong what?

891. I am the Supreme Leader of North Korea.

892. - What? What the fuck? - It's him.

893. It's him. What is he doing here? What the fuck?

894. Hide it. Put it back up.

895. No! I'm not putting it back up. I'll hide it in my room. Go say hi.

896. - What do I do? Put it on right now? - No, then he'll die when we're still here.

897. - Just put it in your pocket. - Okay, fine.

898. - Come with me. - No, I gotta hide this.

899. - Aaron. Just come with me. - No. No.

900. Aaron. Aaron.

901. Hi.

902. Good morning, Dave.

903. Good morning. Hi.

904. Dave Skylark.

905. It's crazy.

906. - Oh, I have a gift for you. Yeah. - Oh, really?

907. This.

908. - Oh, this is me. - It's you.

909. Oh, that's great. I always wanted one of these.

910. A bust.

911. Dave Skylark.

912. - Hey! Thank you. - You like that?

913. So you really like the show?

914. I might not show it, but I'm freaking out.

915. You're like a superfan.

916. - I really am. - Yeah!

917. That's so cool.

918. Don't say something stupid, Kim.

919. Okay, so I thought you might enjoy breakfast...

920. and a tour of my home.

921. I'd absolutely love to.

922. You know, I have to admit, before I came here...

923. I thought this place was gonna be a dump.

924. Of course. For decades you've heard the false rumors:

925. "North Korea is a failed state. We can't feed our people."

926. It's all propaganda.

927. I see. Well, yeah, I mean...

928. I did see a fat kid and a really nice-looking grocery store.

929. Oh, we have beautiful grocery stores here in North Korea.

930. One of my favorite things to do is just strolling up and down the aisles...

931. to see the beautiful fruits of my country's land.

932. I can believe that. It looks like you hit the grocery store pretty often.

933. Screw you, Dave.

934. - Hey, you want to see something cool? - Yeah.

935. Holy fuck-a-moley!

936. Is that real?

937. It was a gift to my grandfather from Stalin.

938. In my country, it's pronounced "Stallone."

939. You're so funny, Dave.

940. Right. Well, can we look inside?

941. Fuck, yeah, we can. Come on.

942. This is so cool!

943. - A tank! - Yeah, a tank.

944. Is it still live?

945. I don't know. Maybe we should find out.

946. - Look. You have a sound system in here? - Oh, no, no, no. Don't touch.

947. Katy Perry?

948. My wife must have put that in there.

949. - I've never heard this before in my life. - I love Katy Perry!

950. Baby, you're a firework

951. Come on, show them what you're worth

952. I love— I listen to this all the time.

953. - Really? - I love her!

954. You know why I really like her? She has such a strong message...

955. for young women and girls across the planet.

956. It's so empowering.

957. Yeah.

958. You know, Dave, sometimes I feel like a plastic bag.

959. Drifting through the wind?

960. Wanting to start again.

961. As you shoot across

962. The sky-sky-sky

963. - Good times. Yeah. - Yeah.

964. Dave, do you think that margaritas are gay because they are so sweet?

965. Did someone tell you that margaritas are gay?

966. No, it's just a question I have.

967. If liking Katy Perry and drinking margaritas is gay...

968. then who wants to be straight?

969. - Not me. - Boring!

970. Margaritas are great.

971. And whoever planted that in your head is crazy.

972. Let me ask you something.

973. Does this thing still run?

974. Oh, man, this is great!

975. Can we fire the gun?

976. Think I'd tease you and not take you all the way?

977. - Really? - Close that shit.

978. - Closing the hatch! - Okay.

979. Boom, boom, boom!

980. Oh, shit!

981. Fuck you, tree!

982. The control room will be fully staffed to insure an uninterrupted transmission.

983. All right.

984. This is the kill switch.

985. During the interview, if any parameters are violated...

986. I will use it and cut the signal.

987. - We're gonna stick with the program. - I will be in charge of this transmission.

988. Dave and the show itself are dependent on me...

989. when it comes to how we shoot the show.

990. I know. I've watched every episode in preparation.

991. I particularly enjoyed the Miley Cyrus camel toe episode.

992. The camel toe episode. That was good.

993. I've never heard this expression before.

994. But after seeing it, it is a perfect representation of her vagina.

995. It is. It looked exactly like that. Yeah.

996. - It's very deep. - Very deep.

997. Quite a moose knuckle.

998. You Americans are so creative with your sexual innuendos.

999. - We do it very well. - Many animal references.

1000. Oh, yes, tons.

1001. Please, take this printed copy of the questions.

1002. It's crucial Dave review them.

1003. Officers Koh and Yu will now take you to your room for lunch.

1004. Come, American. Time to get even fatter.

1005. Great. Thanks, guys.

1006. Making you my little Korean bitch!

1007. What are you gonna do, drop nukes on L.A.?

1008. - Nuke your mama! - I bet they can't even make it to Australia!

1009. Face!

1010. Man...

1011. this is so nice.

1012. Let me ask you something. Don't take this the wrong way.

1013. You can ask me anything, Dave.

1014. Do you pee and poo?

1015. You've heard the stories, huh?

1016. - Yes, I pee and poo. - So you have a butthole?

1017. I've got a butthole, and it's working overtime.

1018. You are awesome.

1019. You know, this is so weird.

1020. You are, like, the coolest guy.

1021. But a lot of people say...

1022. that you're batshit crazy.

1023. They're not wrong.

1024. I'm 31 years old.

1025. The fact that I am running a country is batshit crazy.

1026. What am I to do when 24 million people...

1027. look to me as their leader, their god?

1028. What am I to do when my father's dying wish was for me to carry his torch?

1029. Know what my father said to me on his deathbed?

1030. What did he say, Dave?

1031. "I'm disappointed because you haven't done enough with your life."

1032. That is fucked up.

1033. Yeah, tell me about it.

1034. Jordan!

1035. They call me incompetent.

1036. That's what they said about me when I scored this interview!

1037. - No way! - They said, "Dave Skylark is stupid...

1038. and incompetent."

1039. You're handsome, competent, suave. How dare they?

1040. I pretend like their insults don't get to me.

1041. But they do.

1042. You know what's more destructive than a nuclear bomb?

1043. Words.

1044. And the people are jealous of men like you and me.

1045. It's as though they despise us because they are not us.

1046. Hate us because they ain't us.

1047. Exactly. They hate us because they ain't us.

1048. - That's a great saying, okay? - Hate us because they ain't us!

1049. They hate us because they ain't us!

1050. Kim! You got a break!

1051. Alley-oop!

1052. That's all right. That's all right.

1053. Oh, my ankles.

1054. - Okay. - Hey, Kim.

1055. Let me ask you something.

1056. Was your father the one who said that margaritas are gay?

1057. He said that my brothers and l were all too feminine.

1058. That our luxurious lifestyles turned us into homosexuals.

1059. I don't have to worry about that anymore.

1060. Because guess what I get tons of?

1061. - Pussy. - Oh, my God.

1062. Hey.

1063. Dude, you just spent the fucking day with Kim Jong-un. What happened?

1064. It was amazing.

1065. - It was amazing? - Yeah.

1066. It was one of the best days of my life.

1067. - What? - We smoked joints...

1068. played basketball...

1069. fucked chicks.

1070. We had the best margaritas.

1071. Did you say you fucked chicks?

1072. Oh, my God. Kim Jong is an animal!

1073. You know you have to kill this guy tomorrow.

1074. I've been thinking a little bit about the mission.

1075. Okay.

1076. America, you know...

1077. always putting its nose in things and screwing them up.

1078. The truth is, Kim is a master at manipulating the media.

1079. - Yeah? - You're the media.

1080. You get what's happening here?

1081. Maybe the media's manipulating you.

1082. What the fuck does that even mean?

1083. I'm the only one who's spent real time with him.

1084. Spent face-to-face time! Dick-to-dick!

1085. It's just, man, I can sympathize with people that get dumped on by the media.

1086. - And it sucks. - You know what else fucking sucks?

1087. Concentration camps, famine, firing squads—

1088. - I didn't see any here. Have you? - No—

1089. Your attendance is required in the banquet room of the Eternal Leader.

1090. - Hey, how you doing? - Yeah, seriously. You look fantastic.

1091. Your obsession with my well-being is only making me more suspicious of you.

1092. Don't be suspicious.

1093. - I want to know what your routine is. - Do you take vitamins?

1094. - You're doing something right. - You look good.

1095. Do not ask us any more question. Meet us in the banquet hall.

1096. You see how big their guitars are compared to their bodies?

1097. I think it's funny.

1098. That is funny.

1099. Oh, no.

1100. It's happening.

1101. Dave.

1102. Dave.

1103. No.

1104. - Wait, what? - Look at the fu—

1105. They're good.

1106. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

1107. Oh, my God.

1108. - What do we do? - He's gonna poo.

1109. Oh, no.

1110. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, no.

1111. It's happening.

1112. So gross.

1113. Oh, no, no, no.

1114. Oh, no! Oh, no!

1115. Oh, my God!

1116. - It's okay, man. - No.

1117. Come on, man.

1118. We just killed two innocent men.

1119. Look, first of all, it's not your fault that those men died.

1120. Second, they had to go. They knew we were up to something.

1121. - I'm out. - What? You cannot pull out of this.

1122. - I'm pulling out. - You're way too deep.

1123. - I'm pulling out. - No. You are leaving it in.

1124. - I've been pulling out for years. - You are not pulling out of this mission.

1125. That's the only reason we're here. We are doing this!

1126. Kim is not evil. He was just born into a hard situation.

1127. You are fucking stupid, and you are fucking ignorant.

1128. - Who you calling ign'ant? - You, motherfucker.

1129. You're fucking arrogant!

1130. Everything he's shown you is fake.

1131. He's shown you what you wanna see.

1132. He's fooled you, you fucking idiot!

1133. God, look how ready you are to betray me.

1134. This whole time, I thought you were Samwise to my Frodo.

1135. But you're just Boromir.

1136. I don't know who that is.

1137. That's such a Boromir thing to say!

1138. This is fucking done. You are fucking done after this.

1139. Once you kill this motherfucker, this shit's over.

1140. - You are going to kill him! - You've turned me into a gun.

1141. And you're pointing me at the one guy who gets me.

1142. Well, you know what, cowboy?

1143. - A gun can't fire without no bullets. - What the fuck are you doing?

1144. - No, no, no! - Yes, yes, yes!

1145. Realize what you just did?

1146. - I just saved a life, you murderer. - You piece of—

1147. Mr. Skylark.

1148. The Supreme Leader requests your presence in Pyongyang for dinner.

1149. He will be at your door in 30 minutes.

1150. Hey, Dave. Thank you for being with me in my time of sorrow.

1151. That was super gross and fucked up.

1152. Hi.

1153. Mr. Supreme Leader.

1154. I'm Aaron.

1155. - Aaron? - Hello.

1156. We never got a chance to formally meet, Mr. Great Leader.

1157. I just wanted to shake your hand.

1158. Well, any friend of Dave is a friend of mine.

1159. No! Don't shake that hand.

1160. - Why not? - Yeah, why not?

1161. - Because Aaron's a Jew. - Oh, gross.

1162. - Let's go, Supreme Leader. - Okay. It was nice meeting you.

1163. Don't you know Jews are bad luck?

1164. - Fuck you. - Friends don't kill friends' friends.

1165. Okay. Okay.

1166. Oh, fuck.

1167. We need to review some new data...

1168. the Leader wants included in the interview.

1169. - Now's not really the best time. - It will only take a moment.

1170. Yeah, okay.

1171. - Great. - Thank you.

1172. Would you like to share a drink?

1173. Raise your glasses. Koh and Yu!

1174. Koh and Yu possessed the finest trait men can have:

1175. Loyalty.

1176. I know how you feel.

1177. My dog Digby died when I was a kid, and I'm still fucked up about it.

1178. Loyalty is what made my father and grandfather so successful.

1179. That's right. Hey, listen up. You.

1180. Without loyalty...

1181. a country is a lawless jungle.

1182. Welcome to the jungle, baby. Welcome to the jungle.

1183. On your... knees.

1184. How else can I prevail...

1185. against so many enemies?

1186. Defectors.

1187. South Korean capitalists.

1188. The people in this room...

1189. who don't think I can fill my father's shoes!

1190. These bastards deserve no humanity!

1191. To those who seek to undermine me, at home and abroad...

1192. I cannot respond with anything less...

1193. than the totality of my strength!

1194. If a billion people across the earth and in my own country...

1195. must be burned to prove it...

1196. then my worthiness as a Kim...

1197. will be demonstrated!

1198. Hey, Kim, I gotta go outside. Is that okay?

1199. I'm just feeling...

1200. Too much...

1201. soju, whatever.

1202. Okay.

1203. I'll be back.

1204. So how'd you wind up as one of the heads...

1205. of a dictatorship?

1206. One day, officials came to my classroom in search of a young woman...

1207. to serve on the Kim family personal staff.

1208. They selected me.

1209. Over the years...

1210. I grew close with Kim Jong-un.

1211. When he rose to power, he took me with him.

1212. And here I am.

1213. Kind of have a guy like that in my life too.

1214. You've been with Dave a long time.

1215. He's a hard guy to leave.

1216. You like the money and can't say no to Dave.

1217. No.

1218. Yes! I know you.

1219. You're fucking awesome.

1220. - No, I don't understand you. - You know, it's a little bit weird.

1221. Do you have a boyfriend? Is that too forward of me to ask?

1222. What are you looking at?

1223. I should leave.

1224. Why?

1225. I'm concerned my feelings of attraction for you...

1226. will cause me to make mistakes.

1227. Your feelings of attraction for me?

1228. Fuck this!

1229. Ever since I saw you, this is all I've been thinking about.

1230. Me too!

1231. Fake.

1232. Fake carrots.

1233. Fake fruit!

1234. Fake!

1235. Fake!

1236. Fake grapefruits!

1237. Fake!

1238. Liar!

1239. You liar!

1240. Why aren't I naked yet?

1241. Yeah!

1242. You're hairy! You so hairy like a bear!

1243. You're fucking sexy. Yeah.

1244. - Your nipples are so pink! - Yes, they are.

1245. I love it!

1246. No! Whoa! No!

1247. - No hands. - No hands?

1248. I'm not into handsy shit. That's how I like it.

1249. - Just take it off! - Okay.

1250. - You said no hands! - You hit me with your hand!

1251. How do I get it off?

1252. Use your big, fat American teeth.

1253. Okay! I will!

1254. This is awesome.

1255. Yeah!

1256. Oh, this is hard.

1257. Shit.

1258. Oh, shit, what's wrong?

1259. The numbers I gave you on potato output...

1260. are exaggerated.

1261. That's okay with me. I don't really care about that.

1262. We can get back to what we were doing.

1263. No, it's not just the numbers!

1264. - I am a terrible person. - No. You're the best person.

1265. You were about to have sex with me. That's the best thing someone could do.

1266. I'm the propagandist of a totalitarian dictatorship.

1267. That's an area you could improve, but you don't have to dwell on it.

1268. He's as cruel as his father and grandfather before him!

1269. You knew this this whole time. Why is this just bothering you now?

1270. It's been bothering me for a long time.

1271. And I'm not the only one.

1272. But too many people see him as a god.

1273. How do you prove to 24 million people...

1274. that their god is a murderer and a liar?

1275. - Aaron, I need to talk. - Fuck, it's Dave. Shit.

1276. You hide in there.

1277. - I'll go deal with him. - Okay. Go, go, go.

1278. - Aaron, are you here? - Yeah, one sec. One sec.

1279. - Don't come in, don't come in! - I need to talk.

1280. - Hey, how's it going, dude? - Not good.

1281. We should take a walk.

1282. No, no, no. I can't walk this off. I cannot walk this off.

1283. I need to...

1284. I'm so fucking pissed.

1285. - I just wanna hit something! - No! Don't punch anything!

1286. Breathe. Just breathe.

1287. - Maybe pace it out. - Fuck, man.

1288. Kim.

1289. - What about him? - He's going crazy.

1290. He's gonna blow up the world just to show that he's the shit!

1291. And at first I thought:

1292. "All right, maybe he's just talking, you know. Maybe he doesn't mean it."

1293. - Then I saw this fake fucking grapefruit. - What?

1294. All the food in that grocery store is fake!

1295. He fucking lied to me.

1296. Maybe that fat kid isn't fat.

1297. I mean, oh! What about the concentration camps?

1298. And the famine. Maybe that's real. God!

1299. It is. I've been telling you that for weeks now.

1300. He fucking honeydicked me. He honeydicked the shit out of me.

1301. - Sucks. - You still got that poison?

1302. You can't speak? What the fuck?

1303. I wanna know if you have the poison so we can kill that motherfucker.

1304. What?

1305. Spy! What the hell?

1306. - She's on our side! - Fuck's going on?

1307. - You can trust me. - You can trust her!

1308. Trust her? Are you joking? We gotta kill her!

1309. I was in bed with her!

1310. We were hooking up. That's why she's here.

1311. - What? - Let him go. Everything is fine.

1312. Now we gotta kill the girl that you like. This is the worst moment ever!

1313. We're not killing her!

1314. - She's loyal to Kim. - No! Dude!

1315. She was just telling me she's with us.

1316. I hate Kim. He is a terrible leader.

1317. - See? - Okay.

1318. She can help us kill him.

1319. What? No! No! No killing!

1320. Kim must die! That's the American way.

1321. How many times can the U.S. make the same mistake?

1322. As many times as it takes.

1323. Killing Kim won't change anything.

1324. You said it yourself! We gotta do something. Right?

1325. He will be replaced. He has brothers, other generals.

1326. The people need to be shown that he is not a god.

1327. That he is a man.

1328. Then they will be ready for change.

1329. Yeah? How?

1330. Interviewing him.

1331. Everyone in North Korea will be watching.

1332. No, look, the interview's scripted.

1333. His people are never gonna let me ask real questions.

1334. - Dave, I am his people. - She controls the broadcast.

1335. I can't do political interviews.

1336. I do entertainment interviews.

1337. - Dude. You can fucking do this. - Yeah?

1338. You don't interview with your brain. You interview with your heart.

1339. - True. - Your emotion, Dave.

1340. You get Kim Jong-un to fucking cry like a baby in front of all of North Korea?

1341. They'll know he's not a god.

1342. I think I can do this.

1343. You can do it.

1344. I'm Dave Skylark...

1345. and I can interview anyone.

1346. - Yeah, you can. - Let's take this motherfucker down!

1347. Oh, God! Oh, God!

1348. You got a lot of pent-up energy! Oh, God!

1349. Okay. Everything's ready.

1350. You ready to rock? You memorize those facts?

1351. - I'm ready, baby. - Great.

1352. - How many people in camps? - Two hundred thousand.

1353. - How many malnourished? - Sixteen million.

1354. They spent 800 million on nukes last year...

1355. and got 200 million in food aid from the U.N.

1356. And I got more where that came from, baby.

1357. You're gonna nail this shit.

1358. I just wish we had an escape plan.

1359. - Why don't we go to Japan? - It's across the Sea of Japan.

1360. - Why don't we swim? - Can't swim that.

1361. - I'm a good swimmer. - It's really far.

1362. - People have done it. - Nope.

1363. - Michael Phelps did it. - Not true.

1364. - Okay. - Skylark, two-minute warning.

1365. - Keep me on the air as long as you can. - I will, man.

1366. - Maybe we won't get out of here. - No. We might die.

1367. I've had a great life. I had the best, best friend.

1368. Fucked more women than Ellen DeGeneres.

1369. Now, it's time for the North Korean people to get their dicks wet.

1370. This is a perfect ending for the tell-all.

1371. As the two best friends stared each other in the eyes...

1372. they knew...

1373. that this might be the end of the long road.

1374. But they also knew...

1375. how much they meant to each other.

1376. And even though neither one could say it out loud...

1377. they were both thinking:

1378. - I love you. - I love you.

1379. Bro.

1380. - Okay, man. You got this. - Okay.

1381. Showtime.

1382. Dave.

1383. Kim.

1384. Are you ready to share with the world that gorgeous smile of yours?

1385. Tonight, I think it's your smile they wanna see.

1386. I have something for you.

1387. What?

1388. - What's this? - Open.

1389. - For me? - For you.

1390. He's just like Digby.

1391. Just like Digby.

1392. - I think I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. - Don't die, please.

1393. Not till after the interview.

1394. This dog is killing me with cuteness.

1395. He's crazy cute.

1396. - Can I keep it? - Take him home, forever and ever.

1397. Why?

1398. I live a lonely life, Dave.

1399. And it warms my heart to know that there is someone in this world...

1400. with whom I can truly be myself.

1401. Whatever they say about you...

1402. they're wrong.

1403. I'm just me, and I do my best.

1404. You're my brother.

1405. You're my brother.

1406. Let's get this out of the way, okay?

1407. - Okay. - Okay.

1408. And what are we gonna name you, huh?

1409. You need a name? Yes, you do.

1410. Look, look. He looks just like Digby.

1411. You gotta be fucking kidding me.

1412. We'll see you in a minute. Bye-bye.

1413. - Okay. Shall we begin? - Okay. You ready?

1414. Shut the fuck up. Guys, it's starting!

1415. And we're on in five...

1416. four, three...

1417. Good evening. And good morning to our viewers around the world.

1418. I'm Dave Skylark.

1419. Thank you for joining me for this historic moment in history.

1420. I'm with President Kim Jong-un...

1421. of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

1422. We are broadcasting from a station outside of Pyongyang...

1423. for this very special edition of: Skylark Tonight.

1424. Thank you for joining me, President Kim Jong-un.

1425. It is my pleasure, Dave. You know...

1426. there is so much misunderstanding about North Korea...

1427. and me personally.

1428. And I can't think of a man with greater intelligence than you.

1429. I am grateful...

1430. for this opportunity for my government and for the international community...

1431. to forge a better relationship.

1432. - So you wanna set the record straight. - Indeed, Dave.

1433. Camera three.

1434. Tensions between your nation and South Korea are at a high.

1435. It's fair to say that you're on the brink of armed conflict.

1436. So what I want to know is...

1437. in these times of great stress...

1438. do you do karaoke?

1439. Yes, I do, Dave.

1440. I believe that it is important for those in power...

1441. to remain in touch with the beauty in life.

1442. You are also a very accomplished painter, aren't you?

1443. Well, how can I not be?

1444. - He's reading the script. - He lulls them and then he gets them.

1445. It's his technique.

1446. The beauty guides you.

1447. It guides my hand.

1448. This is fucking bullshit.

1449. Let's take it to a serious tip. Supreme Leader Kim...

1450. when the United States, which has an enormous stockpile of nuclear weapons...

1451. insists that countries like yours have none...

1452. does that feel hypocritical to you?

1453. Many Americans do not realize...

1454. that the war in North Korea was entirely the fault of the United States.

1455. Damn! Kim's calling us out!

1456. - You really are still hopeful? - No.

1457. I'm not hopeful at all. He's bailed on the plan.

1458. America, what you done to these Koreans?

1459. This is a little embarrassing.

1460. When you think of all that your country has been through...

1461. the wars, the floods...

1462. do you think your people should be rewarded...

1463. for their resilience and strength?

1464. Of course, Dave.

1465. Then, why don't you feed them?

1466. I...

1467. Camera two.

1468. I beg your pardon?

1469. Why don't you feed your people?

1470. They are hungry. Specifically, two-thirds of them.

1471. Isn't that embarrassing since you're the one they view as a provider and a god?

1472. And you spend $800 million on nukes every year?

1473. And you have 16 million starving people?

1474. Are you sure you don't...

1475. mean to ask me about potato yields?

1476. No. I wanna know about that other thing I just asked.

1477. Okay, well...

1478. Dave, as you have seen for yourself...

1479. we have a great bounty of food in North Korea.

1480. What I saw for myself...

1481. was a fake grocery store...

1482. with a fake fat kid planted right in front of it!

1483. Okay, this is an offensive line of questioning.

1484. I don't think it's offensive. It's important.

1485. If you don't wanna answer, you can get up and walk away.

1486. I can't keep you from retreating.

1487. - He's gonna go for the button. - He's sitting there. Not moving.

1488. - He's going for the button! - He's not.

1489. - Oh, shit. He's making a move! - Don't move, homie!

1490. Get your hand away!

1491. I will cap you! I'm exploding with energy. I can't believe this.

1492. I feel so alive right now. This is so real.

1493. He's got him. Nice!

1494. - Dave! Dave. - I know you, Kim.

1495. Dave, perhaps the question you should ask is:

1496. How have I managed to keep my country so well-nourished...

1497. despite the harsh and unjust economic sanctions...

1498. imposed on North Korea by the United States?

1499. Sanctions?

1500. Don't you know that the U.S. has more incarcerated people per capita than us?

1501. No. But—

1502. So perhaps now you would like to return to the civil discussion...

1503. we had originally agreed upon.

1504. No! Get him!

1505. Oh, shit! Go to camera one!

1506. Camera three! Camera three!

1507. Do not move, homie!

1508. Give me something! Give me fucking something! Okay.

1509. Why? Fuck! Shit, that hurts!

1510. We don't have concentration camps, Dave.

1511. Have you seen one person mistreated since your arrival here?

1512. Oh, shit! Shit. Someone's coming. Someone's coming.

1513. Oh, fuck! Fuck!

1514. Dave, unless you can show me a person, a photo...

1515. of widespread hunger...

1516. Aaron!

1517. Do not fuck with my angles!

1518. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.

1519. You're fucking up the angles!

1520. Sit still!

1521. Slow push!

1522. Thank you!

1523. Face it, Dave, you have failed.

1524. You've made wild allegations, but you have proven nothing.

1525. You made this long journey just to show the world that they were right about you.

1526. You are incapable of conducting a real interview.

1527. You're a joke!

1528. Maybe you're right.

1529. Yeah, it sucks.

1530. Because I need people's approval.

1531. Desperately.

1532. Because I could never get it...

1533. from my father when I was a kid.

1534. But I see a lot of the same thing in you, Kim.

1535. Your father...

1536. deprived you of life's simplest pleasures.

1537. He told you that margaritas are gay.

1538. I have no comment on margaritas.

1539. - Then why don't you drink them? - I don't like brain freeze.

1540. Fuck you, Dave.

1541. You fucking asshole!

1542. I just have one more question for you.

1543. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

1544. Drifting through the wind Wanting to start again?

1545. - What is that? I don't know what that is. - Yes, you do.

1546. No, I don't. I never heard that before.

1547. Do you ever feel Feel so paper-thin

1548. Just like a house of cards

1549. One blow from caving in?

1550. - I don't know what you're singing. - You know what it is.

1551. - No, I don't. - You don't need to lie.

1552. Katy Perry's your favorite!

1553. Katy who? I don't know who you're talking about.

1554. You just gotta ignite the light

1555. And let it shine

1556. Not the chorus, please!

1557. And own the night Like it's the Fourth of July

1558. - 'Cause, Kimmy, you're a firework - Stop!

1559. Go and show 'em what you're worth

1560. And make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"

1561. As you sail across the sky-y-y

1562. Kimmy, you're a firework

1563. No!

1564. I don't need my father!

1565. I am strong!

1566. Excuse me.

1567. - Did you just shart? - No, I didn't.

1568. It was that camera guy.

1569. It wasn't me.

1570. Ladies and gentlemen, Kim Jong-un has just pooed in his pants.

1571. Let's get the fuck out of here.

1572. Yeah. Let's go.

1573. Damn, girl. You a badass.

1574. I thought you were my friend, Dave.

1575. I thought you were my friend, Kim.

1576. I thought everyone lied about you.

1577. And then I saw that fake grapefruit...

1578. in that fake grocery store...

1579. and I realized that you were a fake friend.

1580. You said you were gonna blow everybody up...

1581. just to show what a big guy you are?

1582. No friend would blow up another friend's country.

1583. You're just a flawed man with a big ol' butthole.

1584. And you pee and poo like the rest of us.

1585. Well, tell me this, Dave:

1586. Will you be so cocky when I slay you in front of the whole world...

1587. you Yankee motherfucker?

1588. If you shoot me, you'll just be proving me right.

1589. You're just a sad, little man.

1590. Dave! Dave, no!

1591. This is Dave Skylark...

1592. signing off.

1593. Goodbye, Dave.

1594. Oh, man.

1595. Bulletproof vest.

1596. Genius!

1597. He's alive, everybody. Oh, fuck!

1598. Got a bulletproof vest on! I don't know how he got it!

1599. But he's got it on!

1600. Thank you for watching my interview.

1601. This is Dave Skylark...

1602. signing off.

1603. - No! - Aaron!

1604. - Let's get the fuck out of here. - Wait! The puppy.

1605. - What happened to your hand? - Someone bit my fucking fingers off.

1606. - That's just like Frodo! - Whoa! Shit!

1607. Don't shoot! I have a puppy!

1608. Go!

1609. - Oh, no, no! Oh! Oh, no! - Who is that?

1610. - Oh, shit! Oh, fuck! - Keep shooting!

1611. Oh, no!

1612. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! There's more!

1613. You're a hero! Thank you, sir!

1614. That's the only way out!

1615. Hey. I have an idea.

1616. Follow me.

1617. Is this Katy fucking Perry?

1618. Leave it on! It's helping me concentrate!

1619. - Oh, shit. Are those fucking nukes? - Let me check.

1620. Oh, we really fucked up! He's arming his fucking nukes!

1621. Fuck!

1622. Skylark!

1623. Kim!

1624. Fuck you!

1625. I've been grazed!

1626. - How's the puppy? - Puppy is okay!

1627. Protect that puppy with your life!

1628. We gotta do something! He's gonna kill us!

1629. We're in a tank! Shoot him back!

1630. - It's loaded! - Let's barbecue this motherfucker!

1631. On three!

1632. Balls to the wall!

1633. Boom, boom...

1634. boom!

1635. Yes! Yes!

1636. Yes!

1637. Okay.

1638. Okay.

1639. That way. It's an old mining tunnel.

1640. - Holy shit, where does that go? - West. Away from Pyongyang.

1641. Keep moving until you reach the coast. I wish you both luck.

1642. You sound like you're not coming with us.

1643. - I have to go to Pyongyang. - Right back into the snake pit!

1644. I can't leave North Korea. I just helped plunge it into chaos!

1645. So did we. I'm okay with leaving.

1646. I have to ensure that the power does not transfer to the wrong hands.

1647. I can't deny that we have chemistry.

1648. But I have to stay here for my people.

1649. Okay.

1650. I'm glad to meet you.

1651. Okay.

1652. Kiss her.

1653. Kiss her, dude.

1654. Yeah, get in there.

1655. Nice.

1656. I'm happy to have met you, Aaron.

1657. Me too.

1658. Bye, Sook!

1659. Have fun with the war.

1660. - All right, it's clear. - Okay.

1661. Okay, here you go.

1662. - You got him? - Yeah.

1663. You out of that big ol' scary hole?

1664. - Where are we? - I don't know.

1665. Is this China?

1666. - I don't know. Looks like North Korea. - Yeah.

1667. - Man. - Which way's the coast?

1668. I have no idea. Does that do something?

1669. - Dogs always run to the sea. - Not true.

1670. - You gotta find the sea. - That's not gonna happen.

1671. Shit.

1672. - Shit, shit, shit! - Protect the puppy!

1673. Stop! It's them!

1674. Echo Romeo Five, Echo Romeo Five.

1675. We have contact with Dung Beetle and Aardvark.

1676. Aaron, Dave.

1677. - I'm Captain Sung, SEAL Team 6. - Holy shit.

1678. How'd you find us?

1679. The GPS on your wristwatch. Let's get you boys home.

1680. - Oh, my God! - For you.

1681. - For me? - Is it the president?

1682. - Mr. Obama? - Nope, just me. Agent Lacey.

1683. Agent Lacey. Fancy hearing from you here.

1684. I enjoyed your interview, guys.

1685. Now, try not to fuck up your extraction.

1686. Get home safe.

1687. Guess who's going to America where they don't eat doggies?

1688. - And you get all the good stuff. - Let's just go. Can we please go?

1689. Get them in.

1690. She honeypotted me.

1691. - What? What are you talking about? - Sook.

1692. Think about it, man. I mean, she researched me, she seduced me...

1693. she commandeered my plans, made them her own. She used me.

1694. I'll admit it was for, like, a really good fucking cause...

1695. but she honeypotted me.

1696. Yeah. Well, good riddance. I hated that fucking bitch.

1697. Really?

1698. No. Just thought it'd make you feel better.

1699. That was your one true love.

1700. Now she's gone.

1701. Doesn't make me feel any better.

1702. Well, you have us.

1703. And we love you!

1704. We all love each other!

1705. "And as the North Korean coastline receded in the distance...

1706. we heard the crackle of gunfire.

1707. It was the beginning of a revolution.

1708. A revolution Aaron and I had started.

1709. - Of course, in a tale like this... - Malcolm.

1710. you might expect to find some...

1711. hot CIA honeypot bombshell."

1712. "Maybe a few drones...

1713. or a secret CIA watch."

1714. - You got Skype. - So good to see you.

1715. Wait, someone else wants to say hi.

1716. Guess what we named him? Kim Jong-un!

1717. That's a little fucked up, no?

1718. It's super fucked up. But he's cute.

1719. "But there was none of that.

1720. No.

1721. This was a revolution...

1722. ignited with nothing more than a camera...

1723. and some questions.

1724. Questions that led a man...

1725. once revered as a god...

1726. among mortals...

1727. to cry and shit his pants."

1728. The end.

1729. Thank you.