1. Improved by: www.facebook.com/EnglishLOLChannel
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2. We now turn to the
hostile nation of North Korea.
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3. The rocket they are testing
is believed to be big enough
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4. to reach the West Coast
of the United States.
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5. Today, an official
of the United Nations
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6. tried to tell the world...
So there will be no mistake...
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7. That we are living in the midst
of a modern-day Hitler.
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8. A young, untested leader
with nuclear ambition.
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9. - Kim Jong-un.
- Kim Jong-un.
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10. We are talking
about Kim Jong-un.
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11. Good evening.
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12. I'm Dave Skylark.
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13. Tonight, we are joined
by 13-time Grammy winner,
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14. Oscar-winning songwriter,
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15. Detroit's own Eminem.
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16. He'll speak with us
about his new album,
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17. which has been mired
in controversy
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18. concerning lyrics that some view
as demeaning to the elderly.
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19. Tonight...
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20. on "Skylark Tonight."
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21. And... action.
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22. "It's hell to be Shady."
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23. "Yesterday I yelled
a degrading insult"
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24. "at an elderly lady."
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25. "Then I asked her
how it felt to be 80."
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26. "F' word a senior citizen.
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27. Suck a wiener, sit and spin."
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28. "Suck a wiener, sit and spin."
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29. It's funny.
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30. "And why you drive so slow for?"
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31. "Don't you want to get
where you're going faster"
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32. "since you'll probably die
tomorrow, you old whore?"
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33. "Die, old bitch, die,
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34. before I murder you."
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35. What do you mean by this, Em?
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36. Well, first of all,
I feel like, when I rap,
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37. like, people twist my words.
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38. Okay, but can you see
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39. how an old person
might say, "I think"
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40. "what this guy is telling me...
this Eminem... is that I should
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41. go kill myself, and I...
you know, I don't like that."
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42. I mean, I don't
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43. necessarily rap about
the things that I hate.
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44. It's more about...
the things that I fear.
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45. - I get you.
- You know, it's like,
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46. - if I say something about women or whatever...
- Yes.
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47. I think a lot of that
is more or less me
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48. just dealing with issues with...
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49. you know, old issues
with my mom or whatever.
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50. With your "mutha."
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51. Yeah, or-or... you know,
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52. when I say things
about gay people
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53. or people think that
my lyrics are homophobic,
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54. - Mm-hmm.
- You know, it's because I'm gay.
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55. Um, when I rap about violence.
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56. - Wait...
- or, you know, sound like I'm promoting violence,
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57. I think that, uh... you know,
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58. - it's more or less because...
- What? - What, what, what?
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59. You know, it's kind of...
it's kind of about me just,
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60. you know, confronting it.
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61. - What did he just say?
- Wait, can we play that...?
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62. - He said he was gay.
- Did he just...? Dave? Dave?
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63. - Did he just say he was gay?
- We're pretty sure
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64. in the booth we just heard him
say he was gay.
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65. 'Em, let's just...
back it up a moment.
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66. You... just said
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67. that you were gay?
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68. Um... and I'm just curious
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69. what you meant by that exactly.
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70. I mean I'm gay.
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71. Uh, I'm just a little
confused here, because "gay"
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72. can mean a lot of things.
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73. I am a homosexual.
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74. Meaning...?
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75. I like men.
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76. What the fuck just happened?
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77. Eminem just said
he was gay... four times.
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78. That's what the fuck
just happened.
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79. - Holy shit.
- Holy shit.
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80. Eminem's gay on our show.
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81. - Eminem's gay on our show!
- Oh, my God!
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82. Camera two! Camera two!
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83. Gay Twitter!
Gay Twitter's blowing up.
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84. - Holy shit.
- Change the chyron.
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85. "Eminem Gay?"
Question mark, exclamation mark.
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86. Dave, keep him talking.
Keep him talking.
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87. - Oh, my God.
- Holy shit. Push in on gay Eminem!
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88. This is the greatest moment
in gay history!
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89. Are probably shocked by what
you're saying right now.
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90. I'm more shocked that people
haven't figured it out yet.
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91. I mean, it's kind of like
I've been playing gay peekaboo.
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92. Gay peekaboo.
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93. Yeah. But, um...
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94. Shit.
Camera one. Camera one.
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95. - This interview is over. Shut it off.
- No!
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96. - Shut it off.
- Get the fuck out of here, Darryl.
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97. I am Marshall's publicist,
and I'm telling you,
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98. - pull the fucking plug right now.
- No. This is gold.
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99. I am not cutting
this interview off.
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100. This is the best interview
we've ever done.
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101. - What happens if I just do this?
- No, get out.
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102. Shut it off! Shut it off!
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103. Get him out of here!
Get him the fuck out of here!
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104. I will murder you
and everyone you love!
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105. Thank you.
Dave, look, I got the lyrics.
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106. Say what I say:
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107. What did you mean
when you rapped...
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108. "I said nice rectum, I had a..."
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109. "vasectomy, Hector."
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110. "So you can't get pregnant
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111. if I bisexually wreck ya."
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112. I've pretty much
just been leaving a...
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113. bread-crumb trail of gayness.
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114. - I see that now.
- You know.
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115. But yeah, actually Hector...
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116. Hector was a...
was a real person.
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117. Hector and his rectum were real?
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118. - Holy shit.
- It's real! Hector rectum is real!
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119. - Yes! Yes! - Oh, I knew it!
- Slim Shady, everyone!
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120. Dude! Dude!
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121. Aaron, bring it in.
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122. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Bring it in, big boy!
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123. Oh, my God...
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124. - Oh...!
- Oh, my God!
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125. What the heck just happened?
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126. The real Slim Shady
just stood up.
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127. - Oh!
- That's what the fuck just happened.
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128. This is like Spike Lee
just said he's white.
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129. I can't believe what's happened.
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130. - You da man! You da man!
- You da man!
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131. You're the best.
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132. You're the best.
You're the best.
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133. - Unreal.
- All right, listen, I'm gonna go get my makeup off.
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134. I want you to meet me
downstairs.
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135. I got something to show you.
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136. Dude, just...
where are we going?
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137. I thought we were going to the
Hamptons for the weekend, man.
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138. - No, no, no, no, no, no...
- What is this place?
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139. We're just, you know...
just hanging out.
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140. - Okay.
- All right, all right, all right.
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141. It's a surprise party... for you.
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142. What? Why? Why did you
just tell me that?
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143. Yes! I...
'Cause I'm so excited.
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144. This is gonna be great.
This is gonna be great.
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145. I don't understand
what's happening.
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146. Surprise!
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147. All right, all right.
I already told him.
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148. I already told him.
Come on, come on.
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149. You're best in the world,
you fucking cocksucker.
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150. All right, not now, Malcolm.
Not now, not now. Come on.
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151. - Come on.
- Thank you. Why... why is this happening?
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152. You've been with us
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153. for 1,000 episodes.
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154. - Are you kidding me?
- Ten years, baby!
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155. - Are you fucking...
- Come on.
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156. I really do. It's, uh...
I appreciate it.
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157. All right.
Okay.
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158. All right, now,
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159. I know I like
to keep it light, keep it fun.
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160. I'm gonna take it
to a serious tip.
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161. I'm gonna talk about Aaron.
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162. Before we started
working together,
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163. my show barely broke the top 15.
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164. So I called up
this professor that worked
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165. at the Columbia School
of Journalism that I...
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166. I was having sex with,
and I said,
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167. "I need someone smarter
than anyone in entertainment.
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168. I need a real journalist."
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169. Aaron, you are
the Samwise Gamgee
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170. to my Frodo Baggins.
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171. You are the Gandalf
to my Bilbo Baggins.
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172. But of all the Lord of the Rings
references that I could make,
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173. this is the most important:
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174. I'm Gollum...
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175. and you're my precious.
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176. Smeagol needs Aaron.
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177. "One Ring to rule them all,
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178. and in the darkness
bind them."
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179. Now, get up here!
Get up here!
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180. - Come up here, buddy. I love you.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
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181. - I fucking love you.
- Oh...
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182. Hey.
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183. Hey!
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184. Hey.
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185. Yeah. Like, what's that?
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186. Come on, man.
What's happening?
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187. - Hey, yeah.
- Hey, yeah.
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188. - Wh-What's happening?
- How's it going, dude?
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189. We haven't seen each other
since graduation, right?
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190. - Yeah. Probably.
- Wow. And, uh...
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191. Wait. Am I wrong?
Are you, like, a...
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192. you're a junior producer
on "60 Minutes," right?
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193. I'm now a senior producer.
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194. - No way, man.
- Yeah. Yeah.
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195. - That's awesome.
- Thank you.
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196. Look at us... both producing news
for television.
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197. Yeah.
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198. - What was that?
- Nothing.
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199. It was clearly something.
What's the joke?
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200. No, I mean, like,
you've got your job,
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201. I got mine, but they're
different, you know?
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202. Yours is cool; Mine's just
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203. a little bit more serious,
you know?
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204. What are you saying?
We have the same job.
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205. I report real news...
you know, stuff that matters...
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206. and then you report
on all the cool
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207. "who's getting new boobs"
and, like,
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208. the fun eating disorder stuff.
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209. You really helped build up
"60 Minutes," too, right?
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210. They'd be nothing without you.
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211. It's only been on
for 80 fucking years.
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212. Look, I... I'm sorry.
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213. I'm sorry... look...
I shouldn't say this,
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214. but we got an opening
over at "60 Minutes,"
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215. and we could use
somebody like you.
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216. Are you serious?
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217. I'm fucking with you, man.
Come on! You?
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218. At where I work? You'd be
eaten alive at our office.
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219. Okay, I'm gonna catch up
with these guys,
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220. but cheers, man.
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221. Congrats... or whatever.
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222. When did the hair begin to go?
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223. I would say...
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224. around "The Outsiders."
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225. When you're ready.
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226. I don't think I'll ever
be ready, but...
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227. - Oh, wig's coming off.
- Oh.
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228. Whoa.
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229. Oh, Jesus fuck.
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230. Why does he keep
the long pieces?
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231. His head looks like
somebody's taint.
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232. - You barely look different.
- Thanks, man.
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233. You... you said you were bald.
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234. I... I see a little stuff
on top.
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235. - It's so freeing!
- Rob...
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236. is there anything that you would
like to say to America?
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237. Good evening.
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238. I'm Phillip Sterling
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239. with a UBS News Special Report.
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240. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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241. Kim Jong-un's military forces
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242. targeted an uninhabited
South Pacific island
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243. with a 15-megaton
thermonuclear ICBM:
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244. Yo, Dave, we're not
live anymore.
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245. - They just cut our feed.
- We're off the air?
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246. Goddamn it! Rob, would you just
put your fucking wig on?
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247. They fucked us!
Goddamn it!
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248. Somebody tell me
what's going on?
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249. Dude... seriously,
what is up with you?
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250. You know how I'm good
at picking up energies?
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251. Well, you're shooting off a
slightly cunty vibe right now.
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252. What's going on?
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253. We have millions
of viewers every night
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254. watching our show,
and what do we do?
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255. We just shovel shit
into their faces, man.
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256. We could be doing
something positive.
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257. We could be having on authors,
activists, politicians.
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258. That's what people want.
"Give us some shit.
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259. "Mangia. We're the people.
Give us the shit.
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260. Mangia, mangia, mangia."
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261. Dude, I wanted to cover actual
news, not Nicki Minaj's vagina
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262. fuckin' flopping out
at the Grammys.
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263. You don't like that brown sugar?
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264. Nothing to do with brown sugar.
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265. I just can't keep
doing this, okay?
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266. We have to change.
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267. - Fine.
- Are you serious right now?
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268. - Yeah.
- Do you promise you'll do this?
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269. I promise if you promise
you'll never leave.
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270. If you promise,
then I'll promise.
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271. - Well, then, same time.
- One, two, three.
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272. - Promise.
- Promise.
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273. - Okay.
- Okay.
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274. That's all we had to say.
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275. - Fine.
- Don't put me through that.
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276. - Okay.
- I hate it when we fight.
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277. No, this is not a joke, okay?
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278. Well, I think you're being
kind of condescending.
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279. - Look! Look, look, look...
- What? Yeah... one second.
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280. Shut up. I'm on the phone.
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281. Okay? Uh...
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282. Dude, what the fuck, man?
That was John Kerry's office.
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283. Forget that
oak-tree-looking fuck.
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284. This tops it.
"The Times" printed it
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285. about... about North Korea.
Read the bottom.
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286. After all the...
the death camp shit.
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287. "Although Kim Jong-un
rallies his people"
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288. "with cries for the destruction"
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289. "of the United States
of America, he is known"
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290. "to be an avid consumer
of American entertainment.
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291. His favorite shows
are 'The Big Bang Theory..."
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292. And...?
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293. "And 'Skylark Tonight."
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294. Oh! Boom!
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295. This is great!
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296. This is what you
were talking about.
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297. I interview this guy.
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298. Are you joking me, man?
He's the most
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299. reclusive leader on the planet.
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300. It's not gonna happen.
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301. He lives in North Korea.
We can't go there.
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302. Dave Skylark...
gets in anywhere.
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303. You remember that club?
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304. Three-month waiting list.
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305. First night.
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306. I don't think it's
quite the same thing.
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307. Well, there were a lot
of Asian girls there.
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308. It's impossible, Dave.
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309. Here's what we're gonna do.
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310. We're gonna do that interview,
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311. everyone is gonna take you
super-duper seriously,
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312. and then you're never
gonna leave me.
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313. North Korea's
in the Olympics, right?
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314. I bet they have
an office that is
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315. set up to communicate
with the Olympic Committee,
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316. so there's probably
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317. some infrastructure
for communicating with
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318. the outside world through that.
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319. Good idea.
Those wheels are turning.
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320. - If I leave a message for that office...
- Yeah.
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321. - Then maybe, if they're
a fan of the show, - Mm-hmm.
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322. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- That can actually work.
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323. - We could interview the most famous man on the planet.
- Yeah.
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324. - That would be the biggest interview ever.
- Yeah...
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325. Guys, guys, guys, guys!
I don't know if you've
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326. heard this, but some
pictures just came out
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327. where it looks like
McConaughey's fucking a goat.
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328. - Whoa. "McConaughey Goat Fuck"?
- Ew...
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329. McConaughey Goat Fuck.
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330. Uh...
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331. Okay, we obviously have
to have him on to do that,
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332. so... we should
put that together.
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333. But we're doing this
North Korea thing, okay?
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334. - First thing tomorrow. Okay.
- Book him, though. Book him.
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335. - Get him, get him, get him! Get the goat!
- I'm on him.
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336. Get the goat!
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337. I got some questions
for that goat.
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338. Hello. This is Aaron Rapoport
from "Skylark Tonight."
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339. We heard your Supreme Leader
is a big fan
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340. of our show, and we'd love
to have him on.
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341. Uh, please get back to me
and let me know.
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342. I'm about to head
to an important meeting,
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343. but, uh, I'll be around
in the morning.
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344. Hope to hear from you.
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345. Ooh! Yeah.
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346. - Hi.
- Hey.
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347. Uh, Mercer and Spring, please.
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348. Whoo!
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349. Hello?
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350. Hello. Who dis?
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351. I am trying
to reach Aaron Rapoport.
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352. You got Aaron Rapoport.
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353. - Who dis is?
- You left word
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354. with our office
regarding an interview.
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355. Look, Dave, is this you?
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356. 'Cause if it is,
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357. you're doing
a terrible Asian accent.
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358. Me so "solly."
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359. Me gots to go now, son.
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360. I am from the office
of Sook-yin Park,
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361. Secretary of Communications
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362. with the Democratic People's
Republic of North Korea.
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363. Oh, my God. Uh...
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364. Shit. Uh, me so solly.
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365. I mean, I'm so solly.
I mean, I-I'm so sor...
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366. I'm-I'm... I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
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367. We would like to discuss
the possibility of a meeting
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368. between the Supreme Leader
and Dave Skylark.
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369. Security concerns dictate
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370. that the matter
be discussed in person.
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371. Uh, okay, great.
Where... where do you do that?
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372. We will meet
at latitude 40.1326,
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373. longitude 123.9889.
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374. Just 'cause I'm not, like,
totally familiar
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375. with my longitudes
and latitudes,
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376. where is that again?
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377. 50 kilometers west of Dandong,
northeastern China.
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378. Did you just say "China"?
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379. And did you just say "dong"?
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380. Going to motherfucking
China, y'all.
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381. Excuse me, can I get in there?
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382. Thank you.
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383. Hi, there.
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384. No, thank you.
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385. I'll just get it
through secondhand smoke.
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386. Selfie!
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387. Well, where the fuck are they?
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388. What the fuck?
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389. No, no!
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390. No! No!
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391. I'm an American journalist!
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392. Aaron Rapoport!
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393. I was invited here!
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394. I come in peace!
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395. I'm here for interview!
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396. Please don't kill me!
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397. Mr. Rapoport,
I am Sook-yin Park.
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398. The Supreme Leader will Grant
a one-hour interview
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399. to Mr. Skylark
from inside North Korea.
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400. All questions will be supplied
by the Supreme Leader himself.
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401. Terms are nonnegotiable.
You have 24 hours to decide.
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402. - That's it?
- Yes.
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403. Why didn't you guys tell me this
over the phone?
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404. Or Skype?
Do you guys have Skype?
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405. Do you have Skype here?
Okay.
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406. Well, look, can you give me
some water?
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407. That guy has water!
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408. Please give me a ride somewhere!
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409. I didn't pack well
for this trip!
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410. I packed like a fool!
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411. Like a goddamn fool!
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412. Please! Please!
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413. Whoa.
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414. Damn, she was sexy.
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415. The fucking helicopter landed.
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416. I'm in the middle of nowhere.
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417. Two soldiers jump out.
Copy !req
418. I think I'm gonna get killed.
Copy !req
419. Then, out comes Sook.
Copy !req
420. I told you about her.
Copy !req
421. She comes out of the helicopter.
Copy !req
422. - She's hot, super sexy.
- How hot?
Copy !req
423. - Did you get in there?
- Yeah, I fucked her in the helicopter.
Copy !req
424. My fucking man!
Copy !req
425. No, I didn't do that, dude.
No!
Copy !req
426. - Okay.
- She said we couldn't ask any of our own questions.
Copy !req
427. They were gonna write
all the questions.
Copy !req
428. We can't do it.
Copy !req
429. We're essentially letting him
Copy !req
430. interview himself
with your mouth.
Copy !req
431. Look!
Copy !req
432. Look at this buttfuck!
Copy !req
433. He's got a whole parade
of nukes.
Copy !req
434. He's ready to use them.
Copy !req
435. When you score a bin Laden
Copy !req
436. or a Hitler or an Un,
Copy !req
437. you take it by the balls!
Copy !req
438. It's the first rule
of journalism.
Copy !req
439. You give the people
what they want.
Copy !req
440. That's not the first rule
of journalism.
Copy !req
441. I think that's
the first rule of,
Copy !req
442. like, circuses
and demolition derbies.
Copy !req
443. This is the biggest interview
since Frosty Nixon.
Copy !req
444. - Frosty Nixon?
- I mean, in ten years,
Copy !req
445. Ron Howard's gonna make
a movie out of this.
Copy !req
446. We do this, we can interview
Copy !req
447. any president on the planet.
Copy !req
448. And then you can ask them
the real questions.
Copy !req
449. This is like
eating our vegetables.
Copy !req
450. Once you eat those,
Copy !req
451. then you get to eat the steak.
Copy !req
452. And we know Aaron
wants his steak.
Copy !req
453. This is like...
Copy !req
454. "The Lord of the Rings."
Copy !req
455. Okay?
Copy !req
456. I'm actually like Frodo Baggins.
Copy !req
457. And you are my Sam.
Copy !req
458. My Samwise.
Copy !req
459. I can't do it without you.
Copy !req
460. - Okay.
- Come with me.
Copy !req
461. To Mordor.
Copy !req
462. Okay, let's fucking do it.
Copy !req
463. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
464. As always,
I'd like to thank my guest,
Copy !req
465. Joe Gordon-Levitt.
Copy !req
466. And before we go,
Copy !req
467. I have
a very special announcement.
Copy !req
468. With the help
of my outstanding producer,
Copy !req
469. Aaron Rapoport, I've secured
the most important interview
Copy !req
470. of the 21st century.
Copy !req
471. Three weeks from tonight,
Copy !req
472. I will be traveling
to Pyongyang, North Korea,
Copy !req
473. to conduct the first
globally broadcast interview
Copy !req
474. with President Kim Jong-un.
Copy !req
475. I am deeply humbled
and profoundly honored
Copy !req
476. to accept this
most awesome responsibility.
Copy !req
477. Apparently, Dave Skylark
will be interviewing
Copy !req
478. the dictator of North Korea.
Copy !req
479. 100 bucks Skylark thinks
Copy !req
480. he's the guy
from "Gangnam Style."
Copy !req
481. Obscene glorification
of a brutal dictator.
Copy !req
482. This is a man who tortures,
Copy !req
483. terrorizes and starves
his own people.
Copy !req
484. - Skylark is beneath despicable.
- Fuck this.
Copy !req
485. Meeee-ow.
Copy !req
486. What a fucking bitch,
am I right?
Copy !req
487. No, you're not right.
Copy !req
488. He's not being a bitch.
He's completely right.
Copy !req
489. He's motherfucking
peanut butter and jealous.
Copy !req
490. - He's not jealous.
- He's putting.
Copy !req
491. KY jealous all over his dick.
Copy !req
492. What is there to be jealous of?
Copy !req
493. Fuckers hate us
'cause they ain't us.
Copy !req
494. They hates us 'cause we "anus"?
Copy !req
495. What the fuck does an anus
have to do with this?
Copy !req
496. They hate us
'cause they ain't us.
Copy !req
497. That's not what it is.
Copy !req
498. - Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
Copy !req
499. They hate us 'cause we is us,
Copy !req
500. and what we is doing
is fucking terrible.
Copy !req
501. They fucking hate us
'cause they ain't us.
Copy !req
502. - Stop saying that. They don't.
- Hate us 'cause they ain't us.
Copy !req
503. - Hate us 'cause they ain't us!
- Hate us 'cause they ain't us!
Copy !req
504. - They don't hate us 'cause they ain't us.
- I'm used to it.
Copy !req
505. - Hate us 'cause they ain't us.
- Stop it. Stop it.
Copy !req
506. - Don't say it again.
- Shh.
Copy !req
507. Baby.
Copy !req
508. Haters gonna hate.
Copy !req
509. And ain't-ers gonna ain't.
Copy !req
510. That is not an actual thing
people say.
Copy !req
511. This is what you do to haters.
Copy !req
512. You just smile.
Copy !req
513. What is that?
Copy !req
514. The strongest ecstasy
I've ever done in my life.
Copy !req
515. Oh...
Copy !req
516. Oh, what the fuck?
Copy !req
517. Okay.
Copy !req
518. Okay, I'm coming.
Copy !req
519. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
520. Oh... oh, God.
Copy !req
521. Mr. Rapoport.
Copy !req
522. I'm Agent Lacey
Copy !req
523. with Central Intelligence,
Copy !req
524. and this is my partner,
Agent Botwin.
Copy !req
525. Aaron, whoever that is,
Copy !req
526. tell them to fuck off.
Copy !req
527. Dave, it's, uh,
Copy !req
528. - it's not...
- Yo, I don't know who I fucked last night,
Copy !req
529. but I got some stink dick.
Copy !req
530. Yo, my dick stinks!
Copy !req
531. So weird how you, like,
Copy !req
532. just want to keep
smelling it, though.
Copy !req
533. Yo, you got to come over
and smell this shit.
Copy !req
534. Yo, come smell this.
Copy !req
535. You got to identify this.
Copy !req
536. I don't know what it is.
Copy !req
537. Excuse him.
Copy !req
538. He has stink dick.
Copy !req
539. It kind of smells
like guacamole.
Copy !req
540. May we come in?
Copy !req
541. Would you, um,
Copy !req
542. like a drink or some
of Aaron's cocaine?
Copy !req
543. This is not our cocaine.
This is...
Copy !req
544. No, I'm sure it's not.
Copy !req
545. So, uh, how can we, uh,
what can we do you for?
Copy !req
546. - Yeah, to what do we owe THE PLEASURE?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
547. Well, Aaron, Dave,
Copy !req
548. as I'm sure
Copy !req
549. you know already,
Copy !req
550. Kim Jong-un is now capable
Copy !req
551. of nuking all of the West Coast.
Copy !req
552. The point is we're talking
about nuclear nations
Copy !req
553. at war with each other.
Copy !req
554. Nuclear.
Copy !req
555. He does have one
Copy !req
556. tactical advantage
over the West.
Copy !req
557. He's more than willing
to let millions and millions
Copy !req
558. of his own people die.
Copy !req
559. Ba-bam. Explosions.
All over my face.
Copy !req
560. I'm sorry, we had kind
of a long night last night.
Copy !req
561. Why are you telling us
Copy !req
562. - all this information?
- Well,
Copy !req
563. well, we're telling you this
because you two lucky gentlemen
Copy !req
564. are going to be in a room alone
with him,
Copy !req
565. and congratulations, by the way.
Copy !req
566. That's right!
Copy !req
567. Which is part of the reason
why we're here.
Copy !req
568. The CIA would love it
Copy !req
569. if you two could...
Copy !req
570. take him out.
Copy !req
571. Hmm?
Copy !req
572. - Take him out.
- Take him out?
Copy !req
573. - Like, for drinks?
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
574. - Take him out.
- Take out.
Copy !req
575. - Like, to dinner?
- Take him out to a meal?
Copy !req
576. Take him out.
Copy !req
577. - Like, on the town?
- Party?
Copy !req
578. No, uh...
Copy !req
579. take him out.
Copy !req
580. You want us to assassinate
the leader of North Korea?
Copy !req
581. - Yes.
- What...?
Copy !req
582. If we kill him,
won't they just get
Copy !req
583. another chubby dude
with a goofy hairdo
Copy !req
584. to come in and replace him?
Copy !req
585. - Exactly, exactly.
- And then the same thing happens?
Copy !req
586. Uh, actually,
we're aware of a small faction
Copy !req
587. in the existing leadership
that already wants him gone.
Copy !req
588. They want change; They're
too scared to act alone,
Copy !req
589. and they need you two
to go in there...
Copy !req
590. Hmm...
Copy !req
591. remove Kim,
embolden them to revolt
Copy !req
592. and take over.
Copy !req
593. Are you, Agent Lacey,
going to be involved?
Copy !req
594. I am going to be in your ear,
Copy !req
595. by your side,
every step of the way.
Copy !req
596. Then I have one answer.
Copy !req
597. No more Kim.
Copy !req
598. Uh, you know what?
Copy !req
599. Actually, I think we should
talk about it more.
Copy !req
600. - Okay, all right.
- Okay, let's just...
Copy !req
601. - We're just gonna talk.
- We're just gonna talk.
Copy !req
602. By all means.
Copy !req
603. Just for the record,
Copy !req
604. I don't have stink dick.
Copy !req
605. Come over here, come here,
come in here...
Copy !req
606. I think we need to do this.
Copy !req
607. She is so cool.
Copy !req
608. You don't see what's happening,
and it's so obvious.
Copy !req
609. - It's crazy, man.
- What?
Copy !req
610. They're honeypotting us.
Copy !req
611. - What?
- It's an attractive
Copy !req
612. spy woman who lures men
Copy !req
613. into doing shit they're
not supposed to do.
Copy !req
614. How can you not see that?
Copy !req
615. - Because that is so sexist.
- Is it?
Copy !req
616. - This is 2014.
- Dude...
Copy !req
617. Women are smart now.
Copy !req
618. Do you actually think
she just so happens
Copy !req
619. to have everything
you find attractive?
Copy !req
620. Bangs, giant tits, glasses?
Copy !req
621. They're fake, man.
Copy !req
622. Fake glasses?
Copy !req
623. How could the CIA come up
with such a thing?
Copy !req
624. Well, that poor girl
is blind as a bat.
Copy !req
625. Okay, I'm just saying that
when we're on Molly
Copy !req
626. and when we're horned up
might not be...
Copy !req
627. - Horned up?
- You are horned up.
Copy !req
628. Oh, please!
Copy !req
629. You got half a fucking
chub right now!
Copy !req
630. - Take your hands away.
- Hmm-mm.
Copy !req
631. - I saw the boner.
- I'm not taking my hands away.
Copy !req
632. Move your fucking hands.
Copy !req
633. Fine, you want to see it?
Copy !req
634. - Yeah.
- Feast your eyes.
Copy !req
635. Okay, here's what's
gonna happen.
Copy !req
636. I'm gonna poop out these drugs.
Copy !req
637. You're gonna go jerk off
these thoughts.
Copy !req
638. If we both still want to talk
Copy !req
639. about this afterwards, then
we can, but not until then.
Copy !req
640. Dave Skylark never backs down
from a jerk-off.
Copy !req
641. In three days,
Copy !req
642. you will fly from New York
to Beijing,
Copy !req
643. where you will transfer
to a commercial airline
Copy !req
644. that takes you directly
to Pyongyang.
Copy !req
645. I'm sorry,
this is completely unrelated,
Copy !req
646. but, um, what happened
to your glasses?
Copy !req
647. Oh, I... I got LASIK:
Copy !req
648. Between the time
I saw you and now?
Copy !req
649. - Yes.
- Okay.
Copy !req
650. Now, our intelligence suggests
that you will be taken here,
Copy !req
651. to Kim Jong-un's
personal compound.
Copy !req
652. So, preceding the interview,
Copy !req
653. you are going
to shake Kim's hand,
Copy !req
654. administering
a fatal dose of poison
Copy !req
655. with this, a transdermal
time-delayed
Copy !req
656. ricin strip.
Copy !req
657. When you shake his hand,
Copy !req
658. the poison will be absorbed
into his skin,
Copy !req
659. where it metabolizes
for a 12-hour period.
Copy !req
660. Nobody will have any idea
you two were involved.
Copy !req
661. No one will know?
Copy !req
662. The United States must maintain
total and complete deniability.
Copy !req
663. - Total deniability?
- Obviously.
Copy !req
664. - This isn't what I pictured.
- What did you picture?
Copy !req
665. I walk in there
like a fucking gangster
Copy !req
666. and blow
his little fucking ass away
Copy !req
667. on television.
Copy !req
668. This is a major
television event.
Copy !req
669. You don't want to blow it
with offscreen death.
Copy !req
670. Okay?
Copy !req
671. Look, in porno, we call
this the money shot.
Copy !req
672. You don't have a bunch of dudes
going at it,
Copy !req
673. and then right before
they finish, you cut to black
Copy !req
674. and say, "Oh, don't worry",
Copy !req
675. 12 hours later,
they came all over each other."
Copy !req
676. No! We want
Copy !req
677. the all-over close-up.
Copy !req
678. All over his face.
Copy !req
679. The end!
Copy !req
680. Ah...
Copy !req
681. Bam!
Copy !req
682. What kind of porn
are you watching?
Copy !req
683. What happens when
all of his guards
Copy !req
684. start firing back at you
for killing their leader
Copy !req
685. right in front of them?
Copy !req
686. - That's a good question.
- My bulletproof vest...
Copy !req
687. No, you don't have
a bulletproof vest.
Copy !req
688. - You don't have one of those.
- I will dodge those bullets.
Copy !req
689. What happens after you escape
the compound, Dave?
Copy !req
690. I look back over my shoulder.
Copy !req
691. I see Aaron.
I grab him by the hand.
Copy !req
692. We run out into the woods.
Copy !req
693. Perhaps there's
a secret tunnel there.
Copy !req
694. We exit said tunnel.
Copy !req
695. At a designated spot,
Team Six
Copy !req
696. swoops in, puts us on one
Copy !req
697. of those inflatable motorboats,
we hit the water,
Copy !req
698. we're out of there,
on our way to you.
Copy !req
699. If you did try to do this,
what would kill you first?
Copy !req
700. Sub-freezing temperatures.
Copy !req
701. I don't like the cold.
Copy !req
702. - Okay, we...
- Starvation, starve to death.
Copy !req
703. You telling me the CIA
doesn't have.
Copy !req
704. North Face jackets
and some Pirate Booty?
Copy !req
705. Cap'n Crunch?
Copy !req
706. What about Siberian tigers?
Copy !req
707. - Did you think about that?
- What?
Copy !req
708. You're not going to shoot him.
Copy !req
709. There's not going to be
a bulletproof vest,
Copy !req
710. and nobody is going to know
Copy !req
711. that you had anything
to do with this.
Copy !req
712. That's it, that's the plan.
Copy !req
713. - Period.
- Okay.
Copy !req
714. Two years later,
Copy !req
715. I come out
with my bestselling tell-all.
Copy !req
716. "An Unexpected Journey:
Copy !req
717. Dave Skylark's Adventures
in North Korea."
Copy !req
718. You can't write a tell-all.
Copy !req
719. "We were an oddly-shaped
gray room"
Copy !req
720. "at the CIA headquarters.
Copy !req
721. The titillating Agent Lacey..."
Copy !req
722. Stop doing that.
Copy !req
723. - Why?
- There's no tell-all.
Copy !req
724. "'There's no tell-all, '
Agent Lacey said."
Copy !req
725. "She looked at him.
Copy !req
726. She trembled with rage,
or was it passion?"
Copy !req
727. - Stop it.
- I just want everybody to know
Copy !req
728. that I know what you did to me.
Copy !req
729. - With the glasses?
- What?
Copy !req
730. - Honeycombed me.
- What does that even mean?
Copy !req
731. You honeypotted him.
It's honeypot.
Copy !req
732. - You honeypotted me.
- You honeypotted him.
Copy !req
733. - No, I didn't.
- He's said a lot of stupid shit
Copy !req
734. in the last ten minutes,
but for reals,
Copy !req
735. you did honeypot him.
Copy !req
736. I bet you got him in here
as a honey dick
Copy !req
737. just in case I'm gay,
but I'm not,
Copy !req
738. but if I was, I would've
seen him coming a mile away.
Copy !req
739. - You honey dicking?
- Look, she's not honeypotting you,
Copy !req
740. - and I'm not honey dicking him.
- It's very offensive,
Copy !req
741. 'cause basically if you think
about what you're saying to me,
Copy !req
742. you're saying
because I'm a girl,
Copy !req
743. and because I'm attractive,
Copy !req
744. my only use for this agency
would be to manipulate men.
Copy !req
745. I think it's offensive, too.
Copy !req
746. And that's exactly
what I said to Aaron.
Copy !req
747. I said that bitch
is blind as a bat.
Copy !req
748. Can we please move on?
Copy !req
749. We have a dictator to kill.
Copy !req
750. When handling the ricin strip,
Copy !req
751. operate with extreme caution.
Copy !req
752. Even momentary flesh contact
with the exposed strip is fatal.
Copy !req
753. The poison will lay dormant
for 12 hours.
Copy !req
754. After it passes
the blood-brain barrier,
Copy !req
755. your heart rate
would shoot up to 160.
Copy !req
756. Your body will strain
to reject the poison
Copy !req
757. by profusely sweating,
defecating, vomiting.
Copy !req
758. Within minutes,
you will be dead.
Copy !req
759. - Okay.
- Got it?
Copy !req
760. Aaron peels
off the film marked A,
Copy !req
761. exposing the adhesive coating.
Copy !req
762. He then applies the strip
to Dave's palm.
Copy !req
763. - Okay...
- Aaron will then remove the film marked B,
Copy !req
764. exposing the ricin.
Copy !req
765. - Clear.
- Okay, clear.
Copy !req
766. - Okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
767. Dave needs to appear casual
Copy !req
768. as he is transferred
from his room.
Copy !req
769. - Okay.
- To the broadcast facility.
Copy !req
770. It is critical that he keeps
his hand open
Copy !req
771. and touches nothing.
Copy !req
772. Dave Skylark.
Copy !req
773. Mr. Kim...
Copy !req
774. Just shaking hands.
Copy !req
775. Hi.
Copy !req
776. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
777. Dave will bow to Kim
Copy !req
778. then shake his hand,
Copy !req
779. immediately disposing
of the strip
Copy !req
780. in his jacket pocket,
which will be lined
Copy !req
781. with an absorbing agent
that denatures the poison.
Copy !req
782. Oh, no!
Copy !req
783. Hey! Hey!
Copy !req
784. Agent Lacey!
Copy !req
785. - What's this mean?
- You're dead.
Copy !req
786. All right, Mr. Skylark,
so you'll just place
Copy !req
787. the ricin case
in this pouch here.
Copy !req
788. It will magnetically seal,
Copy !req
789. and then you're good to go.
Copy !req
790. So you want me
to carry this bag?
Copy !req
791. This is the bag.
Copy !req
792. This is a douche bag.
Copy !req
793. The watches conceal
an array of tactical functions.
Copy !req
794. It's how you stay in contact
with me and the command center.
Copy !req
795. - Aaron to Dave.
- All radio communication
Copy !req
796. should be done using call signs.
Copy !req
797. - Cool.
- Dave,
Copy !req
798. you are "dung beetle,".
Copy !req
799. - What?
- And Aaron, you are "aardvark."
Copy !req
800. I can't even carry this thing!
Copy !req
801. What do you mean
you can't carry it?
Copy !req
802. Aerodynamics are all off.
Copy !req
803. It's hitting my leg.
Copy !req
804. It's, like, bulky.
Copy !req
805. Please remember, gentlemen,
you are entering into
Copy !req
806. the most dangerous and
unpredictable country on Earth.
Copy !req
807. Kim Jong-un
is a master manipulator.
Copy !req
808. His people revere him as a god.
Copy !req
809. They'll believe anything
Copy !req
810. he tells them, including that
he can speak to dolphins
Copy !req
811. or he doesn't urinate
and defecate.
Copy !req
812. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Copy !req
813. You're telling me my man
doesn't pee or poop?
Copy !req
814. I'm telling you he does,
and he lies
Copy !req
815. to his people
and they believe him.
Copy !req
816. Everybody pees and poops.
Copy !req
817. Where would it go otherwise?
He'd explode.
Copy !req
818. But he does talk to dolphins.
Copy !req
819. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
820. All right, how do I look?
Copy !req
821. Fucking awesome?
Copy !req
822. Yeah, actually, this
is really, really nice.
Copy !req
823. - Yeah.
- And that just...
Copy !req
824. What the fuck is this?
Copy !req
825. - It's my bag.
- It's wonderful.
Copy !req
826. That's just not the bag
the CIA gave you.
Copy !req
827. Oh, that bag?
Copy !req
828. Yes, that bag!
Copy !req
829. That bag was Fugly
with a capital "Fug."
Copy !req
830. Well, it was also designed
to conceal fucking poison
Copy !req
831. that we're gonna smuggle
into a foreign country.
Copy !req
832. Kim is a super fan.
Copy !req
833. He knows I take fashion risks.
Copy !req
834. Look, I show up
with that other bag,
Copy !req
835. Kim's gonna be like,
Copy !req
836. "Oh, no."
Copy !req
837. "You got ugly bag?"
Copy !req
838. "You no Skylark,
you secret agent.
Copy !req
839. Terminate him."
Copy !req
840. Where's the fucking
poison strip?
Copy !req
841. I put the strip
in a pack of gum.
Copy !req
842. They'll never find it.
Copy !req
843. I am not cool with this.
Copy !req
844. - It's showtime.
- Showtime?
Copy !req
845. It's not showtime.
Copy !req
846. - What are you doing? Stop.
- "Dave Skylark Tonight!"
Copy !req
847. Stop walking!
Copy !req
848. - Stop walking.
- Hello.
Copy !req
849. We are going to North Korea.
Copy !req
850. Yo, Skylark, which side
Copy !req
851. of President Kim's ass
you gonna kiss?
Copy !req
852. I'm not gonna kiss him,
but let's just say
Copy !req
853. I might give him
something special with my hand.
Copy !req
854. You gonna jerk him off?
Copy !req
855. What? No.
That's a double entendre.
Copy !req
856. Shut the fuck... Shut up!
Copy !req
857. - I'm foreshadowing!
- Shut up!
Copy !req
858. Shut up!
Get in the fucking car!
Copy !req
859. Shut up!
Shut up!
Copy !req
860. Why would you say that?
Why would you say that?
Copy !req
861. All right, here we go.
Copy !req
862. What's that noise?
Copy !req
863. - I don't know.
- Do you hear that?
Copy !req
864. Yeah.
Copy !req
865. Wow.
Copy !req
866. This is crazy.
Copy !req
867. - Hello, North Korea!
- Wow.
Copy !req
868. This is crazy.
Copy !req
869. Okay, okay.
Copy !req
870. - North side!
- Okay.
Copy !req
871. Hi. Sorry about...
what he's doing.
Copy !req
872. Hello!
Wow...
Copy !req
873. I like your style.
Copy !req
874. Good to see you again.
How are you?
Copy !req
875. - Hi.
- Hello.
Copy !req
876. - Hello.
- This is great.
Copy !req
877. Uh, Dave, this is, uh,
Sook-yin Park.
Copy !req
878. - Sook? The Sook?
- Yes, yes.
Copy !req
879. That you won't stop
talking about?
Copy !req
880. That's not true.
Copy !req
881. We are different people.
Copy !req
882. We speak different languages.
Copy !req
883. Huh?
Copy !req
884. We have different faces,
Copy !req
885. but inside
Copy !req
886. we are same-same.
Copy !req
887. Same-same, but different.
Copy !req
888. But still same.
Copy !req
889. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
890. Konichiwa.
Copy !req
891. You know, I'm very,
Copy !req
892. very interested in the history
of your young nation.
Copy !req
893. I hear that
Copy !req
894. absolutely everyone here
is-is starving to death.
Copy !req
895. No.
Copy !req
896. It's quite all right.
Copy !req
897. This is a common misconception.
Copy !req
898. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
899. See for yourself.
Copy !req
900. Oh, wow!
It's a grocery store.
Copy !req
901. Looks like the Whole Foods
around the corner from my place.
Copy !req
902. Yep, guess no one's
hungry here after all.
Copy !req
903. We have an abundance
of food here.
Copy !req
904. And speak of the devil,
look at that fat kid!
Copy !req
905. Hi, little fatty!
Copy !req
906. Hi. Mm-mm!
Copy !req
907. We have many fat children
in North Korea.
Copy !req
908. The Supreme Leader
Copy !req
909. believes it is a hallmark
Copy !req
910. of prosperity
and self-sufficiency.
Copy !req
911. I don't know about all that,
Copy !req
912. but this one is one
that I heard.
Copy !req
913. I heard he doesn't pee or poo.
Copy !req
914. He works so hard,
he burns the energy from inside.
Copy !req
915. You-You're telling me my man
doesn't have to take a poo?
Copy !req
916. Does-does he have
a butthole?
Copy !req
917. He does not have a butthole.
Copy !req
918. He has no need for one.
Copy !req
919. Whoa!
Copy !req
920. Ho-ho!
Damn, son!
Copy !req
921. Damn...
Copy !req
922. Right this way.
Copy !req
923. I get it. Fucking stop it.
Copy !req
924. These are Officers Koh and Yu.
Copy !req
925. They are the heads of
Copy !req
926. our Supreme Leader's
personal security.
Copy !req
927. They have been with him
since he was a little boy.
Copy !req
928. They will search you
one last time
Copy !req
929. before entering
our Supreme Leader's home.
Copy !req
930. Just a Gucci bag.
Copy !req
931. What's this?
Copy !req
932. Uh...
Copy !req
933. gum.
Copy !req
934. That is gum.
Copy !req
935. Oh, you fucking tried it?
Copy !req
936. This gun has no flavor.
Copy !req
937. - If you don't like it, just spit it out.
- Just spit it out.
Copy !req
938. We wouldn't be insulted
if you just spat it out.
Copy !req
939. Your gum taste like shit.
Copy !req
940. Okay.
Copy !req
941. You may now enter the
Supreme Leader's home.
Copy !req
942. This room
Copy !req
943. - for Mr. Skylark.
- Cool.
Copy !req
944. Thanks.
Copy !req
945. This room for Mr. Rapoport.
Copy !req
946. Ooh, lovely.
Copy !req
947. - Thank you. Quaint.
- Cute.
Copy !req
948. You know, I'm tired.
Copy !req
949. How are you feeling?
Copy !req
950. - We go now.
- Okay.
Copy !req
951. Dude, what the fuck?
Copy !req
952. Hey, uh, you know,
Copy !req
953. - how's your tummy feeling?
- You should have some Tums.
Copy !req
954. Maybe you should
have some tea.
Copy !req
955. Fuck.
Copy !req
956. - Shh.
- Shh.
Copy !req
957. They could be recording.
Copy !req
958. - Oh, the thing.
- The thing, all right, go.
Copy !req
959. - Oh, uh...
- Lovely room.
Copy !req
960. - Yeah.
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
961. Lovely. I'm gonna go
take a shower now.
Copy !req
962. Okay, I'll take
one with you.
Copy !req
963. Why would you take one with me?
Copy !req
964. I'm just making up
fake conversation.
Copy !req
965. Shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Copy !req
966. What... the... fuck... dude?
Copy !req
967. He ate it.
He fucking ate it.
Copy !req
968. - You're not even supposed to touch it.
- And he ate it.
Copy !req
969. - Chewing. Chewing it!
- Shit! Fuck.
Copy !req
970. Shit, he's gonna die.
Copy !req
971. Look, look, look, look...
Copy !req
972. He's probably, like,
Kim's trigger man, okay?
Copy !req
973. He's probably killed,
like, tons of people.
Copy !req
974. He's probably worse than Kim,
Copy !req
975. and we're okay
with killing Kim, right?
Copy !req
976. Yeah.
Copy !req
977. How the fuck are we gonna
do that, by the way?
Copy !req
978. We don't have
any poison anymore.
Copy !req
979. What happened to it?
Copy !req
980. - Somebody ate it.
- Someone ate it?
Copy !req
981. Why the fuck did you
switch bags?
Copy !req
982. - Yeah, Dave!
- All right, all right!
Copy !req
983. I shouldn't have switched
the bags. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
984. - I told you.
- Listen, just sit tight.
Copy !req
985. I am going to contact you.
Copy !req
986. Do not fall asleep.
Copy !req
987. I'm gonna figure out
a way to fix this.
Copy !req
988. Thanks.
Why'd you tell her?
Copy !req
989. Tell her what?
Because it's the truth.
Copy !req
990. Why'd you tell her
that he ate it?
Copy !req
991. Because he did!
Copy !req
992. Dude, that was a cock block.
Copy !req
993. Get me Major Franks
at the Osan Air Force Base.
Copy !req
994. ETA to launch zone, 20 minutes.
Copy !req
995. We have a bird en route.
Copy !req
996. It will be within range of you
in 15 minutes.
Copy !req
997. Aardvark,
Copy !req
998. your watch will transmit
the coordinates
Copy !req
999. to guide in the package.
Copy !req
1000. You need to get outside
to a place with no tree cover
Copy !req
1001. where you can't be detected.
Copy !req
1002. Okay?
Copy !req
1003. What-what-what...?
Lacey, why do I have to do it?
Copy !req
1004. Why you?
Copy !req
1005. Because if Dung Beetle
gets caught
Copy !req
1006. or killed, then we don't have
a mission anymore, do we?
Copy !req
1007. You really think I could
get caught or killed?
Copy !req
1008. Hey, put on your darkest clothes
and get outside now
Copy !req
1009. and make sure that you are
Copy !req
1010. at least 20 yards away
from the building.
Copy !req
1011. Approaching launch zone.
Copy !req
1012. You ready?
Copy !req
1013. I think so.
Copy !req
1014. I'm a little nervous,
but I'm feeling okay.
Copy !req
1015. - Okay, okay.
- I think I can do it.
Copy !req
1016. - What are you doing?
- I'm gonna Cherish
Copy !req
1017. - all the memories we have.
- Don't do this!
Copy !req
1018. - What?
- Talk to me like I'm about to die, okay?
Copy !req
1019. - I'm gonna be fine!
- All right. I know.
Copy !req
1020. I'm trying to psych myself up
here; You're bringing me down.
Copy !req
1021. I will love your mother
like she was my mother.
Copy !req
1022. - Just shut up. Shut up.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1023. Shh.
Copy !req
1024. It's really scary out there.
Copy !req
1025. Yeah, super-duper scary.
Copy !req
1026. - Be careful.
- Okay, good. You got me?
Copy !req
1027. - I got you. I will not drop you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1028. - Yeah, just don't drop me.
- I got you.
Copy !req
1029. I got... Oh!
Copy !req
1030. Aardvark, are you all right?
Copy !req
1031. I'm fine. Shut the fuck up.
Copy !req
1032. Aardvark is hot.
Copy !req
1033. Aardvark is H-O-T hot.
Copy !req
1034. - This is so scary.
- Aardvark?
Copy !req
1035. You're being extremely brave.
Copy !req
1036. Everybody here
is very proud of you.
Copy !req
1037. - My tummy's all scraped up and wet.
- Aardvark,
Copy !req
1038. I'm gonna rub your tummy
when you get back, don't worry.
Copy !req
1039. Just a few more feet, okay?
Copy !req
1040. Just five to ten more feet.
Copy !req
1041. I got to keep going?
Copy !req
1042. I don't want to keep going.
Copy !req
1043. Fuck.
Copy !req
1044. Package will deploy
in three, two, one, boom.
Copy !req
1045. Package is inbound.
Copy !req
1046. Arrival time, two minutes.
Copy !req
1047. Just five more feet.
Copy !req
1048. Five more feet,
and you're on your mark.
Copy !req
1049. Hey, hey,
Copy !req
1050. hey, don't move.
Copy !req
1051. I think I see something.
Copy !req
1052. - Huh?
- There's something out there.
Copy !req
1053. What do you mean,
there's something out there?
Copy !req
1054. What is it?
Can you zoom in on that?
Copy !req
1055. What do I do?
Copy !req
1056. Comm One, are you seeing this?
Copy !req
1057. Zoom in one that thing.
Copy !req
1058. What is that?
Copy !req
1059. There's something crawling
towards Aardvark.
Copy !req
1060. What the fuck? What is it?
Talk to me.
Copy !req
1061. I'm seeing four legs
connected to one body.
Copy !req
1062. What the fuck are you seeing?
I'm not seeing anything.
Copy !req
1063. Dog, big dog.
Copy !req
1064. - Big dog?
- It's like Clifford size.
Copy !req
1065. We're talking Falkor
in "The Neverending Story."
Copy !req
1066. It's like a dragon dog.
Copy !req
1067. This is like a dragon dog.
Copy !req
1068. Is that a fucking...
Copy !req
1069. Guys, what am I looking for?
I don't know...
Copy !req
1070. It's like a big dog
Copy !req
1071. that's orange.
Copy !req
1072. It's got stripes.
Copy !req
1073. It's like a big, orange,
stripey dog.
Copy !req
1074. There's a tiger.
Copy !req
1075. It's a fucking tiger.
Copy !req
1076. It's a fucking tiger.
Copy !req
1077. Yes.
Copy !req
1078. A tiger.
Copy !req
1079. You fucking led my friend
into a tiger patch?
Copy !req
1080. I told you
there were tigers there.
Copy !req
1081. Guys, I'm very unhappy
right now.
Copy !req
1082. Look, it's really dark
out there.
Copy !req
1083. He probably doesn't see you.
Copy !req
1084. Oh, it fucking sees me.
Copy !req
1085. - It ha... it has night vision.
- They have night vision?
Copy !req
1086. That tiger has
night vision goggles?
Copy !req
1087. It doesn't have
night vision goggles.
Copy !req
1088. It just naturally has night...
Copy !req
1089. — Listen,
just keep the line clear,
Copy !req
1090. Dung Beetle, please?
Copy !req
1091. Aardvark is in trouble.
Copy !req
1092. What do I do?
What do I do?
Copy !req
1093. Talk to me, talk to me.
Copy !req
1094. I didn't want it
to come to this,
Copy !req
1095. but you're gonna have
to fight that tiger.
Copy !req
1096. No, do not!
Do not fight the tiger!
Copy !req
1097. Do not be a gentleman, you go
right for the fucking balls.
Copy !req
1098. I don't see its balls.
Copy !req
1099. Do not fight the tiger!
You will lose!
Copy !req
1100. If that's a girl tiger,
you got to cunt punt that bitch.
Copy !req
1101. - Dave, shut the fuck up.
- Cunt punt that fucking bitch!
Copy !req
1102. Please tell me you know
that that's a stupid idea.
Copy !req
1103. Please, please don't try
to fight the tiger.
Copy !req
1104. I'm gonna make a run for it.
Copy !req
1105. Do not run for it!
Copy !req
1106. You will die.
Copy !req
1107. It's coming.
Copy !req
1108. You go, go, go, buddy!
Go, buddy!
Copy !req
1109. Look out, look out!
It's coming after you!
Copy !req
1110. It's coming after you!
Copy !req
1111. - Oh, God, I'm alive.
- Aaron!
Copy !req
1112. I'm alive.
Copy !req
1113. Are you in the tiger, Aardvark?
Copy !req
1114. Are you inside the tiger?
Copy !req
1115. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1116. Do you have the package?
Copy !req
1117. This is Aardvark.
Copy !req
1118. I think the package just killed
the fucking tiger.
Copy !req
1119. Fantastic.
You have to secure the package.
Copy !req
1120. Secure
the motherfucking package.
Copy !req
1121. He's got the package.
He has the package.
Copy !req
1122. I got it; What do I do with it?
Copy !req
1123. Aardvark,
there are people coming.
Copy !req
1124. You have to act now.
Copy !req
1125. Secure the package,
secure the package.
Copy !req
1126. - What do I do with it?
- They're coming right towards you.
Copy !req
1127. They're gonna see it,
they're gonna see it.
Copy !req
1128. You got to hide
that little missile.
Copy !req
1129. I have to hide it somewhere?
Copy !req
1130. Where the fuck do I hide it?
Copy !req
1131. What do I do with it?
What do I do with it?
Copy !req
1132. What if you hide it
in your butt?
Copy !req
1133. I don't want to stick it
in my ass.
Copy !req
1134. You got to put it
in your butt, Aardvark.
Copy !req
1135. Comm One, please tell me
I don't have
Copy !req
1136. to stick this think in my ass.
Copy !req
1137. Okay, you're right. Just give us
Copy !req
1138. one second
to come up with a better plan.
Copy !req
1139. Isn't there anywhere else
I could secure it?
Copy !req
1140. I think he should put it
in his asshole.
Copy !req
1141. We don't have a better plan.
You're going to have
Copy !req
1142. to stick it in your ass.
Copy !req
1143. No! No!
Copy !req
1144. No!
Copy !req
1145. I've never done that.
Copy !req
1146. I've been there before.
It looks huge.
Copy !req
1147. That tiger blood
will lubricate it.
Copy !req
1148. This will mess up my asshole!
Copy !req
1149. Aardvark,
there-there are people there.
Copy !req
1150. They are closing in on you.
Copy !req
1151. They have guns.
Copy !req
1152. You need to secure the payload
Copy !req
1153. and you need
to secure it in your ass.
Copy !req
1154. Just stick it in your butt.
Copy !req
1155. Okay, fine, fine.
Copy !req
1156. I'm there with you, bro.
Copy !req
1157. Just listen to the soothing
tones of my voice.
Copy !req
1158. Just breathe.
Copy !req
1159. Oh, it's cold.
Copy !req
1160. Just let everything go loose.
Copy !req
1161. Oh, I don't like it!
Copy !req
1162. The tip is...
Copy !req
1163. it's the worst part.
Copy !req
1164. Trust me on this.
Copy !req
1165. Inhale as you do it.
Copy !req
1166. The tip of the package
is secure.
Copy !req
1167. Comm One,
that thing is in his butt.
Copy !req
1168. Owie, owie.
Copy !req
1169. You are almost
in the end zone, Aardvark.
Copy !req
1170. Just take it home.
Copy !req
1171. The package is secure.
Copy !req
1172. You are a hero.
Copy !req
1173. You are a goddamn hero.
Copy !req
1174. — All right,
they're coming, they're coming.
Copy !req
1175. I got to go. Over and out.
Copy !req
1176. Hi!
Aah! Don't shoot me.
Copy !req
1177. Oh, God!
Copy !req
1178. Don't hurt me, please!
Copy !req
1179. See?
There's nothing in here.
Copy !req
1180. There's nothing in here.
Copy !req
1181. What?
Copy !req
1182. Oh, God, no!
Copy !req
1183. Ow!
Copy !req
1184. Come on!
Copy !req
1185. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1186. Why?
Why'd you do that?
Copy !req
1187. Why'd you do that?
Copy !req
1188. Is this what you want?
Copy !req
1189. There!
You like it?
Copy !req
1190. You like it?
Copy !req
1191. It's all yours, fuckers!
Copy !req
1192. Stay in the room, American.
Copy !req
1193. Hey, they're gone.
Did they look in your butt?
Copy !req
1194. - No, they didn't look in my butt.
- It's still in there?
Copy !req
1195. - Yes, it's in there.
- Wow. Must be deep.
Copy !req
1196. - It is.
- Get it out.
Copy !req
1197. I'm gonna fucking get it out.
Copy !req
1198. I'm here to help.
Copy !req
1199. Hey.
Copy !req
1200. - How'd it go?
- One ricin strip with your name on it.
Copy !req
1201. Got it.
Copy !req
1202. All right.
Copy !req
1203. See, not so bad.
Copy !req
1204. Yeah, not so bad.
Copy !req
1205. - What?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1206. - That?
- This.
Copy !req
1207. - In your bu...?
- Asshole.
Copy !req
1208. - No!
- Yes.
Copy !req
1209. I was picturing
something, like, this big.
Copy !req
1210. Yeah, that I could live with.
Copy !req
1211. As soon as you get home,
Copy !req
1212. you need to see a proctologist.
Copy !req
1213. I'm afraid to fucking look.
Copy !req
1214. You got fucked by RoboCop, dude.
Copy !req
1215. Uh, who is it?
Copy !req
1216. It is, uh, Kim Jong-un.
Copy !req
1217. What?
Copy !req
1218. Kim Jong-what?
Copy !req
1219. I am the Supreme Leader of,
uh, North Korea.
Copy !req
1220. What?
Copy !req
1221. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1222. - It's him.
- It's fucking him.
Copy !req
1223. What is he doing here?
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1224. Hide it, hide it, hide it.
Copy !req
1225. - Put it back up.
- No.
Copy !req
1226. I'm not putting it back up.
Copy !req
1227. No, I'm gonna hide it
in my room.
Copy !req
1228. - Okay. What do I do with this?
- Go say hi to him.
Copy !req
1229. Do I put it on right now?
Copy !req
1230. No, then he'll die
when we're still here.
Copy !req
1231. Put it in your pocket.
Copy !req
1232. - Okay, fine.
- Okay, fine.
Copy !req
1233. - Come with me.
- No, I got to hide this.
Copy !req
1234. - Aaron, just come with me.
- No, no...
Copy !req
1235. Aaron, Aaron.
Copy !req
1236. Hi.
Copy !req
1237. Good morning, Dave.
Copy !req
1238. Good morning.
Copy !req
1239. Hi.
Copy !req
1240. Dave Skylark, ah.
Copy !req
1241. It's crazy.
Copy !req
1242. Oh, I have a gift for you.
Copy !req
1243. - Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1244. This.
Copy !req
1245. Oh, oh, this is me.
Copy !req
1246. It's you.
Copy !req
1247. Oh, that's great.
Copy !req
1248. I always wanted
one of these... a bust.
Copy !req
1249. Dave Skylark.
Copy !req
1250. Hey!
Copy !req
1251. - Thank you.
- You like that?
Copy !req
1252. So you really like the show?
Copy !req
1253. No, I might not show it,
but I'm freaking out.
Copy !req
1254. You're like a superfan.
Copy !req
1255. I really am.
Copy !req
1256. Yeah.
Copy !req
1257. That's so cool.
Copy !req
1258. Don't say something stupid, Kim.
Copy !req
1259. Okay, so I, uh,
Copy !req
1260. thought you might enjoy,
uh, breakfast
Copy !req
1261. and a tour of my home.
Copy !req
1262. I'd absolutely love to.
Copy !req
1263. You know, I have to admit,
before I came here,
Copy !req
1264. I thought this place
was gonna be a dump.
Copy !req
1265. Of course.
Copy !req
1266. For decades, you've heard
the false rumors:
Copy !req
1267. "North Korea is a failed state.
Copy !req
1268. We can't feed our people."
Copy !req
1269. - Yeah.
- It's all propaganda.
Copy !req
1270. I see.
Well, yeah, I mean...
Copy !req
1271. I did see a fat kid
Copy !req
1272. and a really nice-looking
grocery store.
Copy !req
1273. Oh, we have beautiful grocery
stores here in North Korea.
Copy !req
1274. You know, one of my
favorite things to do
Copy !req
1275. is just strolling up
and down the aisles
Copy !req
1276. to see the-the beautiful fruits
of my country's land.
Copy !req
1277. I can believe that.
Copy !req
1278. It looks like you hit
the grocery store pretty often.
Copy !req
1279. Screw you, Dave.
Copy !req
1280. - Hey, you want to see something cool?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1281. Holy fuck-a-moley!
Copy !req
1282. Is that real?
Copy !req
1283. It was a gift to my
grandfather from Stalin.
Copy !req
1284. In my country,
it's pronounced "Stallone."
Copy !req
1285. You're so funny, Dave.
Copy !req
1286. Uh, right.
Copy !req
1287. Well, can we look inside?
Copy !req
1288. Fuck, yeah, we can.
Copy !req
1289. Come on.
Copy !req
1290. This is so cool.
Copy !req
1291. - A tank!
- Yeah, a tank.
Copy !req
1292. Whoa.
Copy !req
1293. Is it still live?
Copy !req
1294. I don't know.
Copy !req
1295. Maybe we should find out.
Copy !req
1296. Look... you have a...
sound system in here?
Copy !req
1297. Oh, no, no, no.
Don't... d-don't touch.
Copy !req
1298. - Katy Perry?
- Oh...
Copy !req
1299. Oh, uh... no, my wife
must have put that in there,
Copy !req
1300. 'cause I've never heard this
before in my life.
Copy !req
1301. I love Katy Perry!
Copy !req
1302. I love... I mean,
I have this on...
Copy !req
1303. I listen to this all the time.
Copy !req
1304. - Really?
- I love her!
Copy !req
1305. You know why I really like her?
Copy !req
1306. 'Cause... because she has
such a strong message
Copy !req
1307. for young women and girls
across the planet.
Copy !req
1308. She's a... It's so empowering.
Copy !req
1309. Yeah.
Copy !req
1310. You know, Dave, sometimes I feel
like a plastic bag.
Copy !req
1311. Drifting through the wind?
Copy !req
1312. Wanting to start again.
Copy !req
1313. Oh.
Copy !req
1314. Oh, good times.
Copy !req
1315. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Uh, Dave?
Copy !req
1316. Do you think
that margaritas are gay
Copy !req
1317. because they are so sweet?
Copy !req
1318. Did someone tell you that?
That margaritas are gay?
Copy !req
1319. No, it's just a question I have.
Copy !req
1320. If liking Katy Perry
and drinking margaritas is gay,
Copy !req
1321. then who wants to be straight?
Copy !req
1322. - Not me.
- Boring!
Copy !req
1323. Margaritas are great.
Copy !req
1324. And whoever planted that
in your head is crazy.
Copy !req
1325. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
1326. Does this thing still run?
Copy !req
1327. Oh, man, this is great, right?
Copy !req
1328. Can we fire the gun?
Copy !req
1329. You think I'd tease you
and not take you all the way?
Copy !req
1330. - Really?
- Close that shit.
Copy !req
1331. - Closing the hatch.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1332. Boom, boom, boom!
Copy !req
1333. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1334. Fuck you, tree!
Copy !req
1335. The control room
will be fully staffed
Copy !req
1336. to insure an uninterrupted
transmission.
Copy !req
1337. All right.
Copy !req
1338. This is the kill switch.
Copy !req
1339. During the interview,
if any parameters are violated,
Copy !req
1340. I will use it
and cut the signal.
Copy !req
1341. Don't worry, we're gonna
stick with the program here.
Copy !req
1342. I will be in charge of every
aspect of this transmission.
Copy !req
1343. Dave and the show itself
are very dependent on me
Copy !req
1344. when it comes to how we
actually shoot the show.
Copy !req
1345. I know.
I've watched every episode
Copy !req
1346. in preparation
for this interview.
Copy !req
1347. Wow!
Copy !req
1348. I particularly enjoyed
Copy !req
1349. the Miley Cyrus
camel toe episode.
Copy !req
1350. Oh, the camel toe episode.
That was good.
Copy !req
1351. I've never heard
this expression before.
Copy !req
1352. But after seeing it,
it is a perfect
Copy !req
1353. representation of her vagina.
Copy !req
1354. It is; It looked exactly
like that, yeah.
Copy !req
1355. - It's very deep.
- Very deep. Yeah.
Copy !req
1356. She has quite a
hearty moose knuckle.
Copy !req
1357. You Americans are so creative
with your sexual innuendos.
Copy !req
1358. - We do it very well.
- Many animal references.
Copy !req
1359. Oh, yes, tons.
Copy !req
1360. Please, take this printed copy
of the questions.
Copy !req
1361. It's crucial Dave review them
before the interview.
Copy !req
1362. Officers Koh and Yu
will now take you
Copy !req
1363. to your room,
where you'll be served lunch.
Copy !req
1364. Come, American.
Time to get even fatter.
Copy !req
1365. Oh, ha-ha. Great.
Copy !req
1366. Thanks, guys.
Copy !req
1367. Making you my little
Korean bitch!
Copy !req
1368. What are you gonna do?
Copy !req
1369. You gonna drop
some nukes on L.A.?
Copy !req
1370. - Nuke your mama.
- I bet they can't even
Copy !req
1371. make it to Australia!
Copy !req
1372. Face!
Copy !req
1373. Man, this is so nice.
Copy !req
1374. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
1375. Now, don't take this
the wrong way.
Copy !req
1376. You can ask me anything, Dave.
Copy !req
1377. Do you pee and poo?
Copy !req
1378. You've heard the stories, huh?
Copy !req
1379. Yes, I pee and poo.
Copy !req
1380. So you have a butthole.
Copy !req
1381. I've got a butthole,
Copy !req
1382. and it's working overtime.
Copy !req
1383. You are awesome.
Copy !req
1384. You know, this is so weird.
Copy !req
1385. You are, like, the coolest guy.
Copy !req
1386. But a lot of people
Copy !req
1387. say that...
Copy !req
1388. you're bat-shit crazy.
Copy !req
1389. They're not wrong.
Copy !req
1390. I'm 31 years old.
Copy !req
1391. The fact that I am running
a country is bat-shit crazy.
Copy !req
1392. Hey, what am I to do
Copy !req
1393. when 24 million people
Copy !req
1394. look to me as their
leader, their god?
Copy !req
1395. What am I to do
when my father's dying wish
Copy !req
1396. was for me to carry his torch?
Copy !req
1397. Wow.
Copy !req
1398. You want to know what my father
said to me on his deathbed?
Copy !req
1399. What did he say, Dave?
Copy !req
1400. "I'm disappointed,
Copy !req
1401. because you haven't done
enough with your life."
Copy !req
1402. That is fucked up.
Copy !req
1403. Yeah, tell me about it.
Copy !req
1404. Jordan!
Copy !req
1405. Oh!
Copy !req
1406. - They call me incompetent.
- That's exactly what they
Copy !req
1407. - said about me when I scored this interview.
- No way.
Copy !req
1408. They said, "Dave Skylark
is stupid and incompetent."
Copy !req
1409. You're handsome,
competent, suave.
Copy !req
1410. How dare they!
Copy !req
1411. I pretend like their insults
don't get to me.
Copy !req
1412. But they do.
Copy !req
1413. You know what's more destructive
than a nuclear bomb?
Copy !req
1414. Words.
Copy !req
1415. And the people are jealous
of men like you and me.
Copy !req
1416. It's as though they despise us
because they are not us.
Copy !req
1417. Hate us 'cause they ain't us.
Copy !req
1418. Exactly.
Copy !req
1419. They hate us
because they ain't us.
Copy !req
1420. - That's a great saying, okay?
- Hate us 'cause they ain't us!
Copy !req
1421. They hate us
because they ain't us.
Copy !req
1422. Kim!
You got it, boy!
Copy !req
1423. Okay. Okay. Alley-oop!
Copy !req
1424. Oh!
Copy !req
1425. That's all right.
Copy !req
1426. - That's all right.
- Oh, my ankles.
Copy !req
1427. - Okay.
- Hey, Kim.
Copy !req
1428. Let me ask you something.
Copy !req
1429. Was your father the one who said
that margaritas are gay?
Copy !req
1430. He said that my brothers and I
were all too feminine.
Copy !req
1431. That our luxurious lifestyles
turned us into homosexuals.
Copy !req
1432. I don't have to worry
about that anymore.
Copy !req
1433. Because guess what
I get tons of.
Copy !req
1434. Pussy.
Copy !req
1435. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1436. Hey.
Copy !req
1437. Dude, you just spent
the fucking day
Copy !req
1438. with Kim Jong-un.
What happened?
Copy !req
1439. Ah...
Copy !req
1440. It was amazing.
Copy !req
1441. - "It was amazing"?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1442. I think it was one of
the best days of my life.
Copy !req
1443. - What?
- We smoked joints,
Copy !req
1444. played basketball,
Copy !req
1445. fucked chicks.
Copy !req
1446. We had the best margaritas.
Copy !req
1447. Did you say you fucked chicks?
Copy !req
1448. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1449. Kim Jong is an animal.
Copy !req
1450. You know you have to kill this
fucking guy tomorrow, right?
Copy !req
1451. I've been thinking a little bit
about the mission.
Copy !req
1452. Okay.
Copy !req
1453. America, you know,
Copy !req
1454. always puttin' its nose
in things and screwin' 'em up.
Copy !req
1455. The truth is, Kim is a master
at manipulating the media.
Copy !req
1456. - Yeah.
- You're the media.
Copy !req
1457. You get what's happening here?
Copy !req
1458. Maybe the media's
manipulating you.
Copy !req
1459. "Maybe the media's manip..."?
Copy !req
1460. What the fuck does
that even mean?
Copy !req
1461. I'm the only one who's spent
real time with him, all right?
Copy !req
1462. Spent face-to-face time.
Copy !req
1463. Dick-to-dick.
Copy !req
1464. It's just, man, I can sympathize
Copy !req
1465. with people that get dumped on
by the media... and it sucks.
Copy !req
1466. Well, you know
what else fuckin' sucks?
Copy !req
1467. Concentration camps, famine,
firing squads...
Copy !req
1468. I didn't see any here.
Have you?
Copy !req
1469. No.
Copy !req
1470. Your attendance is required
in the banquet room
Copy !req
1471. of the Eternal Leader.
Copy !req
1472. - Hey, how you doing?
- Yeah, seriously.
Copy !req
1473. You are looking fantastic.
Copy !req
1474. Your unhealthy obsession
with my well-being
Copy !req
1475. is only making me more
suspicious of you two.
Copy !req
1476. - You don't have to be SUSPICIOUS.
- Oh, no, no.
Copy !req
1477. I just want to know what
your routine is, man.
Copy !req
1478. You look fantastic.
Do you take vitamins or...?
Copy !req
1479. - You're doin' somethin' right.
- Yeah, you look good.
Copy !req
1480. Do not ask us any more question.
Copy !req
1481. Meet us in the banquet hall.
Copy !req
1482. You see how big their guitars
are compared to their bodies?
Copy !req
1483. I think it's funny.
Copy !req
1484. That is funny.
Copy !req
1485. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1486. It's happening.
Copy !req
1487. Dave.
Copy !req
1488. Dave.
Copy !req
1489. No.
Copy !req
1490. - Wait, what?
- Look at the fu...
Copy !req
1491. They're good.
Copy !req
1492. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1493. Caw, caw.
Copy !req
1494. - What do we do?
- He's gonna poo.
Copy !req
1495. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1496. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1497. It's happening.
Copy !req
1498. So gross.
Copy !req
1499. Oh, no, no, no.
Copy !req
1500. Oh, no! Oh, no!
Copy !req
1501. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1502. It's okay, man.
Copy !req
1503. No.
Copy !req
1504. Come on, man.
Copy !req
1505. We just killed two innocent men.
Copy !req
1506. Look, Dave, first of all,
Copy !req
1507. it's not your fault
that those men died.
Copy !req
1508. Second of all, they had to go.
Copy !req
1509. They knew we were
up to something.
Copy !req
1510. - I'm out.
- What?
Copy !req
1511. - You cannot pull out of this.
- I'm pulling out.
Copy !req
1512. - You're way too deep to pull out.
- I'm pullin' out.
Copy !req
1513. No, you are not.
You are leaving it in.
Copy !req
1514. I been pullin' out
for years, son.
Copy !req
1515. You are not fucking
pulling out of this mission.
Copy !req
1516. That's the only reason
we're here.
Copy !req
1517. We are doing this!
Copy !req
1518. Kim is not evil.
Copy !req
1519. He was just born
into a hard situation.
Copy !req
1520. You are fucking stupid, and you
are fucking ignorant, Dave.
Copy !req
1521. - Mm!
- Ugh!
Copy !req
1522. - Who you calling ign'ant?
- You, motherfucker.
Copy !req
1523. You're fuckin' arrogant.
Copy !req
1524. Everything he's
shown you is fake.
Copy !req
1525. He's shown you
what you want to see.
Copy !req
1526. He's fooled you,
you fucking idiot!
Copy !req
1527. God, look how ready
you are to betray me.
Copy !req
1528. This whole time I thought you
were Samwise to my Frodo.
Copy !req
1529. But you're just Boromir.
Copy !req
1530. I don't know
who the fuck that is.
Copy !req
1531. "I don't know who Boromir is."
Copy !req
1532. That's such a Boromir thing
to say.
Copy !req
1533. This is fuckin' done.
Copy !req
1534. You are fuckin' done after this.
Copy !req
1535. Once you kill this motherfucker,
this shit's over.
Copy !req
1536. But you are going to kill him!
Copy !req
1537. You've just turned me into
a gun, and you're pointing me
Copy !req
1538. at the one guy
who actually gets me.
Copy !req
1539. Well, you know what, cowboy?
Copy !req
1540. A gun can't fire
without no bullets.
Copy !req
1541. What the fuck are you doing?
Copy !req
1542. - No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes! Yes, yes!
Copy !req
1543. Do you realize
what you just did?
Copy !req
1544. I just saved a life,
you murderer.
Copy !req
1545. - You piece of fu...
- Mr. Skylark.
Copy !req
1546. The Supreme Leader requests
your presence
Copy !req
1547. at a restaurant
in Pyongyang for dinner.
Copy !req
1548. He will be at your door
in 30 minutes.
Copy !req
1549. Hey, Dave.
Copy !req
1550. Thank you for being with me
in my time of sorrow.
Copy !req
1551. That was super-gross
and fucked-up.
Copy !req
1552. Hi.
Copy !req
1553. Uh, Mr. Supreme Leader.
Copy !req
1554. I'm Aaron.
Copy !req
1555. - Aaron?
- Hello.
Copy !req
1556. Uh, we never got a chance to
formally meet, Mr. Great Leader.
Copy !req
1557. I just wanted
to shake your hand.
Copy !req
1558. Well, any friend of Dave
is a friend of mine.
Copy !req
1559. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1560. No!
Copy !req
1561. - Don't shake that hand.
- Why not?
Copy !req
1562. Yeah, why not?
Copy !req
1563. Because Aaron's a Jew.
Copy !req
1564. - Oh, gross.
- Let's go, Supreme Leader.
Copy !req
1565. Okay. It was nice
meeting you.
Copy !req
1566. Don't you know Jews
are bad luck?
Copy !req
1567. Fuck you, fuck you!
Copy !req
1568. Friends don't kill
friends' friends.
Copy !req
1569. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
1570. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1571. Mr. Rapoport, we need to review
some new data
Copy !req
1572. the Leader wants included
in tomorrow's interview.
Copy !req
1573. Now's not really the best time.
Copy !req
1574. It will only take a moment.
Copy !req
1575. Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
1576. - Great.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1577. Would you like
to share a drink?
Copy !req
1578. Raise your glasses.
Copy !req
1579. Koh and Yu!
Copy !req
1580. Koh and Yu possessed the finest
trait men can have:
Copy !req
1581. Loyalty.
Copy !req
1582. I know how you feel.
My dog Digby died
Copy !req
1583. when I was a kid, and I'm still
fucked up about it.
Copy !req
1584. Loyalty is what made my father
Copy !req
1585. and grandfather so successful.
Copy !req
1586. That's right. Listen up.
Hey, listen up. You.
Copy !req
1587. Without loyalty,
Copy !req
1588. a country is a lawless jungle.
Copy !req
1589. Welcome to the jungle, baby.
Welcome to the jungle.
Copy !req
1590. On your
sh-n-n-n-n-n-n knees.
Copy !req
1591. How else can I prevail
against so many enemies?
Copy !req
1592. Defectors.
Copy !req
1593. South Korean capitalists.
Copy !req
1594. The people in this room...
Copy !req
1595. who don't think I can fill
my father's shoes!
Copy !req
1596. These bastards
deserve no humanity!
Copy !req
1597. To those who seek
to undermine me,
Copy !req
1598. at home and abroad,
Copy !req
1599. I cannot respond
with anything less
Copy !req
1600. than the totality
of my strength!
Copy !req
1601. If a billion people across the
Earth and in my own country
Copy !req
1602. must be burned to prove it
Copy !req
1603. then my worthiness as a Kim
Copy !req
1604. will be demonstrated!
Copy !req
1605. Um...
Copy !req
1606. Hey, Kim, I gotta go outside.
Copy !req
1607. Is that okay?
I'm just feelin'...
Copy !req
1608. Too much, uh,
s-s-soju, whatever.
Copy !req
1609. Okay.
Copy !req
1610. I'll be back.
Copy !req
1611. So how'd you wind up
as one of the heads
Copy !req
1612. of a, uh, dictatorship?
Copy !req
1613. Ah.
Copy !req
1614. One day, party officials
came to my classroom
Copy !req
1615. in search of a young woman
Copy !req
1616. to serve on the Kim
family personal staff.
Copy !req
1617. They selected me.
Copy !req
1618. Over the years,
Copy !req
1619. I grew close
with Kim Jong-un.
Copy !req
1620. When he rose to power,
he took me with him.
Copy !req
1621. And here I am.
Copy !req
1622. Kinda have a guy like that
in my life, too.
Copy !req
1623. You've been with Dave
a long time.
Copy !req
1624. He's a hard guy to leave.
Copy !req
1625. You just like the money
and can't say no to Dave.
Copy !req
1626. No...
Copy !req
1627. Yes!
I know you.
Copy !req
1628. You're fuckin' awesome.
Copy !req
1629. - No, I don't understand you.
- And it's a little bit weird.
Copy !req
1630. I mean, do you have a boyfriend
in this country?
Copy !req
1631. Is that too forward
of me to ask?
Copy !req
1632. What are you lookin' at?
Copy !req
1633. - I should leave.
- Why?
Copy !req
1634. I'm concerned my feelings
of attraction for you
Copy !req
1635. will cause me to make mistakes.
Copy !req
1636. Your feelings
of attraction for me?
Copy !req
1637. Fuck this!
Copy !req
1638. Ever since I saw you on that
mountaintop,
Copy !req
1639. this is all I've been
thinking about.
Copy !req
1640. Me, too.
Copy !req
1641. Fake.
Copy !req
1642. Fake carrots.
Copy !req
1643. Fake fruit!
Copy !req
1644. Fake!
Copy !req
1645. Fake!
Copy !req
1646. Fake grapefruits!
Copy !req
1647. Fake!
Copy !req
1648. Liar!
Copy !req
1649. You liar!
Copy !req
1650. Why aren't I naked yet?
Copy !req
1651. Uh...
Copy !req
1652. - Aah!
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1653. You're hairy, you're
so hairy like a bear!
Copy !req
1654. You're fucking sexy, yeah.
Copy !req
1655. Your nipples are so pink!
Copy !req
1656. Yes, they are.
Copy !req
1657. I love it!
Copy !req
1658. Okay, no, whoa, no!
Copy !req
1659. - No hands.
- No hands?
Copy !req
1660. I'm not into handsy shit.
Copy !req
1661. That's how I like it.
Copy !req
1662. Well...
Copy !req
1663. Just take it off.
Copy !req
1664. Okay.
Copy !req
1665. You said no hands!
Copy !req
1666. You fucking hit me
with your hand!
Copy !req
1667. How do I get it off?
Copy !req
1668. Use your big, fat
American teeth.
Copy !req
1669. Okay, I will!
Copy !req
1670. This is awesome.
Copy !req
1671. Oh, this is hard.
Copy !req
1672. Shit...
Copy !req
1673. Oh, shit, what's wrong?
Copy !req
1674. The numbers I gave you
on potato output...
Copy !req
1675. are exaggerated.
Copy !req
1676. That's okay with me.
I don't really care about that.
Copy !req
1677. If you want, you can give me
Copy !req
1678. the real numbers,
and we can get back
Copy !req
1679. - to what we were doing.
- No, it's not just the numbers.
Copy !req
1680. I am a terrible person.
Copy !req
1681. No, you're not.
You're the best person.
Copy !req
1682. You were about
to have sex with me.
Copy !req
1683. That's like the best thing
someone could do.
Copy !req
1684. I'm the propagandist of a
totalitarian dictatorship.
Copy !req
1685. That's an area
you could improve,
Copy !req
1686. but, you know, you don't have
to dwell on it or anything.
Copy !req
1687. He's as cruel as his father
and grandfather before him.
Copy !req
1688. You knew this this whole time.
Copy !req
1689. Why is this just
bothering you now?
Copy !req
1690. It's been bothering
me for a long time,
Copy !req
1691. and I'm not the only one,
Copy !req
1692. but too many people
see him as a god.
Copy !req
1693. How do you prove to
24 million people
Copy !req
1694. that their god is a
murderer and a liar?
Copy !req
1695. Aaron, I need to talk.
Copy !req
1696. Fuck, it's Dave... shit.
Copy !req
1697. You, you hide in there,
I'll be back.
Copy !req
1698. - I'll go deal with him.
- Okay, go, go, go...
Copy !req
1699. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1700. - Aaron, are you here?
- Yeah, one sec, uh, one sec.
Copy !req
1701. - One sec... don't come in, don't come in!
- I need to talk.
Copy !req
1702. Hey, how's it going, dude?
Copy !req
1703. - Not good.
- Uh, maybe now's
Copy !req
1704. not a good time, maybe
we should take a walk.
Copy !req
1705. No, no, no, no,
I can't walk this off.
Copy !req
1706. I cannot walk this off.
Copy !req
1707. I need to...
Copy !req
1708. I'm so fucking pissed.
Copy !req
1709. I just want to hit something!
Copy !req
1710. No, no!
Copy !req
1711. No, don't punch anything!
Copy !req
1712. Breathe.
Copy !req
1713. Just breathe, maybe pace it out.
Copy !req
1714. Fuck, man.
Copy !req
1715. Kim.
Copy !req
1716. - Wha-What about him?
- He's going crazy.
Copy !req
1717. He said he's going
to blow up the world
Copy !req
1718. just to show that he's the shit.
Copy !req
1719. And at first, I thought,
Copy !req
1720. "All right, maybe he's
just talking, you know,
Copy !req
1721. maybe he doesn't mean it."
Copy !req
1722. Then I saw this fake
fucking grapefruit.
Copy !req
1723. What?
Copy !req
1724. All the food
in that grocery store is fake!
Copy !req
1725. He fucking lied to me.
Copy !req
1726. Maybe that, maybe that
fat kid isn't fat.
Copy !req
1727. I mean, oh, what about
the concentration camps?
Copy !req
1728. And the famine...
maybe that's real.
Copy !req
1729. God!
Copy !req
1730. It is... I've been telling you
that for weeks now.
Copy !req
1731. He fucking honeydicked me.
Copy !req
1732. He honeydicked
the shit out of me.
Copy !req
1733. - Sucks.
- You still got that poison?
Copy !req
1734. You can't speak?
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1735. I want to know
if you have the fucking poison
Copy !req
1736. - so we can kill that motherfucker.
- What?
Copy !req
1737. Whoa, ho, spy!
What the hell?
Copy !req
1738. - She's on our side!
- Fuck's going on here?
Copy !req
1739. - You can trust me, I'm okay.
- You can trust her, man!
Copy !req
1740. Trust her? Are you joking?
We got to kill her.
Copy !req
1741. - Oh, my God, what are you doing?
- Dude, I was in bed with her!
Copy !req
1742. - What?
- We're hooking up.
Copy !req
1743. - That's why she's here.
- What?
Copy !req
1744. Let him go; Everything is fine.
Copy !req
1745. Now we got to kill
the girl that you like.
Copy !req
1746. This is the worst moment ever!
Copy !req
1747. We're not killing her!
Copy !req
1748. - She's loyal to Kim.
- No!
Copy !req
1749. Dude, she was just telling me
she's with us.
Copy !req
1750. I hate Kim.
Copy !req
1751. He is a terrible leader.
Copy !req
1752. - See?
- Okay.
Copy !req
1753. She can help us kill him.
Copy !req
1754. What?
No, no, no killing.
Copy !req
1755. Kim must die.
Copy !req
1756. That's the American way.
Copy !req
1757. How many times can the U.S. make
the same mistake?
Copy !req
1758. As many times as it takes.
Copy !req
1759. Killing Kim won't change
anything.
Copy !req
1760. You said it yourself.
Copy !req
1761. We got to do something, right?
Copy !req
1762. He will be replaced.
Copy !req
1763. He has brothers,
he has other generals.
Copy !req
1764. The people need
Copy !req
1765. to be shown
that he is not a god,
Copy !req
1766. that he is a man.
Copy !req
1767. Then they will be
ready for change.
Copy !req
1768. Yeah, how?
Copy !req
1769. Interviewing him.
Copy !req
1770. Everyone in North Korea
will be watching.
Copy !req
1771. No... the interview's scripted.
Copy !req
1772. His people are never going
to let me ask real questions.
Copy !req
1773. Dave, I am his people.
Copy !req
1774. She controls the broadcast.
Copy !req
1775. I can't do political interviews.
Copy !req
1776. I do entertainment interviews.
Copy !req
1777. Dude, you can fucking do this.
Copy !req
1778. - Yeah?
- Yeah, you don't interview with your brain.
Copy !req
1779. You interview with your heart.
Copy !req
1780. - True.
- Your emotion, Dave.
Copy !req
1781. You get Kim Jong-un
to fucking cry like a baby
Copy !req
1782. in front of all of North Korea?
Copy !req
1783. They'll know he's not a god.
Copy !req
1784. - I think I can do this.
- You can do it.
Copy !req
1785. I'm Dave Skylark
and I can interview anyone.
Copy !req
1786. Yeah, you can.
Copy !req
1787. Let's take
this motherfucker down!
Copy !req
1788. - Oh, God, oh, God!
- Oh, ah!
Copy !req
1789. You got a lot of pent-up energy!
Copy !req
1790. Oh, God!
Copy !req
1791. Okay, everything's ready.
Copy !req
1792. Uh, you ready to rock?
Copy !req
1793. Y-You memorize all those facts?
Copy !req
1794. I'm ready, baby.
Copy !req
1795. Great.
Copy !req
1796. How many people
in concentration camps?
Copy !req
1797. 200,000.
Copy !req
1798. How many people malnourished?
Copy !req
1799. 16 million.
Copy !req
1800. They spent $800 million
on nukes last year
Copy !req
1801. and got $200 million
in food aid from the UN.
Copy !req
1802. And I got more where
that came from, baby.
Copy !req
1803. Really good... you're
going to nail this shit.
Copy !req
1804. - I just wish we had a fucking escape plan.
- Why don't we go
Copy !req
1805. - to Japan?
- Well, 'cause it's across the Sea of Japan.
Copy !req
1806. - Why don't we swim?
- Can't swim that.
Copy !req
1807. - Oh, I'm a good swimmer.
- It's really, really far.
Copy !req
1808. - People have done it.
- Nope.
Copy !req
1809. - Yep, Michael Phelps did it.
- That's not true.
Copy !req
1810. — Okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1811. Skylark, two-minute warning.
Copy !req
1812. Just keep me on the air
as long as you can.
Copy !req
1813. I will, man.
Copy !req
1814. Maybe we won't get out of here.
Copy !req
1815. No, we might die.
Copy !req
1816. I've had a great life.
Copy !req
1817. I had the best best friend.
Copy !req
1818. Fucked more women
than Ellen DeGeneres.
Copy !req
1819. And now it's time
Copy !req
1820. for the North Korean people
to get their dicks wet.
Copy !req
1821. This is a perfect ending
for the tell-all.
Copy !req
1822. As the two best friends
stared each other in the eyes,
Copy !req
1823. they knew that this might be
Copy !req
1824. the end of the long road,
Copy !req
1825. but they also knew
Copy !req
1826. how much they meant to
each other, and even though
Copy !req
1827. neither one could say it
out loud,
Copy !req
1828. they were both thinking...
Copy !req
1829. I love you.
Copy !req
1830. Okay, man, you got this.
Copy !req
1831. Okay.
Copy !req
1832. Showtime.
Copy !req
1833. Dave.
Copy !req
1834. Kim.
Copy !req
1835. Are you ready to share
with the world
Copy !req
1836. that gorgeous smile of yours?
Copy !req
1837. Tonight, I think it's
your smile they want to see.
Copy !req
1838. I have something for you.
Copy !req
1839. What?
Copy !req
1840. What's this?
Copy !req
1841. Open.
Copy !req
1842. Aw... aw!
Copy !req
1843. For me?
Copy !req
1844. For you.
Copy !req
1845. Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh...!
Copy !req
1846. Oh, he's just like Digby.
Copy !req
1847. Just like Digby.
Copy !req
1848. I think I'm gonna die.
Copy !req
1849. - Oh, my God...
- Don't die, please.
Copy !req
1850. Not till after the interview.
Copy !req
1851. This dog is killing me
with cuteness.
Copy !req
1852. - He's crazy cute.
- Can I keep it?
Copy !req
1853. Take him home, forever and ever.
Copy !req
1854. Why?
Copy !req
1855. I live a lonely life, Dave...
Copy !req
1856. and it warms my heart to know
Copy !req
1857. that there is someone
in this world
Copy !req
1858. with whom I can truly be myself.
Copy !req
1859. Whatever they say about you...
Copy !req
1860. they're wrong.
Copy !req
1861. I'm just me and I do my best.
Copy !req
1862. You're my brother.
Copy !req
1863. You're my brother.
Copy !req
1864. Let's get this
out of the way, okay?
Copy !req
1865. - Okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1866. And what are
we gonna name you, huh?
Copy !req
1867. You need a name?
Yes, you do.
Copy !req
1868. Look, look.
He looks just like Digby.
Copy !req
1869. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Copy !req
1870. We see you
in a minute. Bye-bye.
Copy !req
1871. - Okay...
- Okay.
Copy !req
1872. - Shall we begin?
- Are you ready?
Copy !req
1873. Shut the fuck up.
Copy !req
1874. Guys, it's starting!
It's starting.
Copy !req
1875. And we're on in five...
Copy !req
1876. four, three...
Copy !req
1877. Good evening.
Copy !req
1878. And good morning to our viewers
around the world.
Copy !req
1879. I'm Dave Skylark.
Copy !req
1880. Thank you for joining me for
this historic moment in history.
Copy !req
1881. I'm with President Kim Jong-un
Copy !req
1882. of the Democratic People's
Republic of Korea.
Copy !req
1883. We are broadcasting
Copy !req
1884. from a station
outside of Pyongyang
Copy !req
1885. for this very special
edition of:
Copy !req
1886. "Skylark Tonight."
Copy !req
1887. Thank you for joining me,
Copy !req
1888. President Kim Jong-un.
Copy !req
1889. It is my pleasure, Dave.
Copy !req
1890. You know, there is so much
misunderstanding
Copy !req
1891. about North Korea
Copy !req
1892. and, uh, me personally.
Copy !req
1893. - Mm-hmm.
- And I can't think of a man
Copy !req
1894. with greater intelligence
than you.
Copy !req
1895. I am grateful
Copy !req
1896. for this opportunity
for my government
Copy !req
1897. and for the international
community
Copy !req
1898. to forge a better relationship.
Copy !req
1899. So you want to set
the record straight.
Copy !req
1900. Indeed, Dave.
Copy !req
1901. Camera three.
Copy !req
1902. Tensions between your nation
Copy !req
1903. and South Korea are
at an all-time high.
Copy !req
1904. It's fair to say that you're on
the brink of armed conflict.
Copy !req
1905. So, what I want to know is:
Copy !req
1906. In these times of great stress,
Copy !req
1907. do you do karaoke?
Copy !req
1908. Yes, I do, Dave.
Copy !req
1909. I believe that it is important
for those in power
Copy !req
1910. to remain in touch
with the beauty in life.
Copy !req
1911. You are also a very accomplished
painter, aren't you?
Copy !req
1912. Well, how can I not be?
Copy !req
1913. He's reading
the scripted questions.
Copy !req
1914. He lulls them
and then he gets them.
Copy !req
1915. It's his technique.
Copy !req
1916. The beauty guides you.
Copy !req
1917. It guides my hand.
Copy !req
1918. This is fuckin' bullshit.
Copy !req
1919. Let's take it to a serious tip.
Copy !req
1920. Supreme Leader Kim, when...
Copy !req
1921. the United States,
Copy !req
1922. which has an enormous stockpile
of nuclear weapons,
Copy !req
1923. insists that countries
like yours have none,
Copy !req
1924. does that feel
hypocritical to you?
Copy !req
1925. Many Americans do not realize
Copy !req
1926. that the war in North Korea
Copy !req
1927. was entirely the fault
of the United States.
Copy !req
1928. Damn!
Kim's callin' us out!
Copy !req
1929. - You really are still hopeful?
- No, no, I'm not
Copy !req
1930. hopeful at all.
He's totally bailed on the plan.
Copy !req
1931. America, what you done
to these Koreans?
Copy !req
1932. This is a little embarrassing.
Copy !req
1933. So when you think of all that
your country has been through...
Copy !req
1934. The wars, the floods...
Copy !req
1935. do you think that your people
should be rewarded
Copy !req
1936. for their resilience
and strength?
Copy !req
1937. Of course, Dave.
Copy !req
1938. Then why don't you feed them?
Copy !req
1939. — Hmm...
- Mm...
Copy !req
1940. Uh... I...
Copy !req
1941. Camera two.
Copy !req
1942. I... beg your pardon?
Copy !req
1943. Why don't you feed your people?
Copy !req
1944. They are hungry.
Copy !req
1945. Specifically,
two-thirds of them?
Copy !req
1946. Isn't that a little
embarrassing, since you're
Copy !req
1947. the one they view
as a provider and a god?
Copy !req
1948. And you spend $800 million
on nukes every year?
Copy !req
1949. And you have 16 million people
Copy !req
1950. who are starving?
Copy !req
1951. Are you sure you don't, uh...
Copy !req
1952. mean to ask me
about potato yields?
Copy !req
1953. No, I want to know
Copy !req
1954. about that other thing
I just asked.
Copy !req
1955. Okay, uh, well, uh...
Copy !req
1956. Dave, as you have seen
for yourself
Copy !req
1957. we have a great bounty of food
in North Korea.
Copy !req
1958. What I saw for myself
Copy !req
1959. was a fake grocery store
Copy !req
1960. with a fake fat kid planted
right in front of it.
Copy !req
1961. Okay, uh, this is, uh...
Copy !req
1962. an offensive
line of questioning.
Copy !req
1963. I don't think it's offensive.
I think it's super important.
Copy !req
1964. Obviously, if you don't want
to answer these questions,
Copy !req
1965. you can just get up
and walk away.
Copy !req
1966. I can't keep you
from retreating.
Copy !req
1967. - He's gonna go for the button.
- He's not. He's sitting there.
Copy !req
1968. - He's not moving.
- He's going for the button.
Copy !req
1969. He's going for the button,
he's going for the button...
Copy !req
1970. He's not. Oh, shit.
He's making a move!
Copy !req
1971. Don't move, homie!
Copy !req
1972. Get your hand away from there!
Get over there!
Copy !req
1973. Over there!
Copy !req
1974. Get over there!
Copy !req
1975. I will cap you!
Copy !req
1976. I'm exploding with energy.
Copy !req
1977. I can't believe
this is happening.
Copy !req
1978. I feel so alive right now.
This is so real.
Copy !req
1979. He's got him. Nice!
Copy !req
1980. - Dave! Dave...
- I know you, Kim.
Copy !req
1981. Dave...
Copy !req
1982. perhaps the question
you should ask is:
Copy !req
1983. How have I managed to keep
my country so well-nourished
Copy !req
1984. despite the harsh and unjust
economic sanctions
Copy !req
1985. imposed on North Korea
by the United States?
Copy !req
1986. Sanctions? Uh...
Copy !req
1987. Don't you know
that the United States
Copy !req
1988. has more incarcerated people
per capita than North Korea?
Copy !req
1989. - No. But...
- So, perhaps, now,
Copy !req
1990. you would like to return
Copy !req
1991. to the civil discussion
we had originally agreed upon.
Copy !req
1992. Uh...
Copy !req
1993. No!
Copy !req
1994. Oh, shit!
Go to camera one!
Copy !req
1995. Camera three!
Camera three!
Copy !req
1996. Do not move, homie!
Copy !req
1997. Give me something!
Give me fucking something!
Copy !req
1998. Okay...
Copy !req
1999. Why?
Copy !req
2000. Fuck!
Shit, that hurts!
Copy !req
2001. We don't have
concentration camps, Dave.
Copy !req
2002. Have you seen
one person mistreated
Copy !req
2003. since your arrival here?
Copy !req
2004. Oh, shit!
Someone's coming.
Copy !req
2005. Someone's coming.
Copy !req
2006. Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Copy !req
2007. Dave, unless you can show me
a person, a photo
Copy !req
2008. of widespread hunger...
Copy !req
2009. Aaron!
Copy !req
2010. Do not fuck with my angles!
Copy !req
2011. Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Copy !req
2012. You're fucking up the angles!
Copy !req
2013. Sit still!
Copy !req
2014. Go wide, camera two!
Copy !req
2015. Slow push!
Copy !req
2016. Thank you!
Copy !req
2017. Face it, Dave, you have failed.
Copy !req
2018. You've made wild allegations
but you have proven nothing.
Copy !req
2019. You made this long journey
Copy !req
2020. just to show the world that they
were right about you.
Copy !req
2021. You are incapable of
conducting a real interview.
Copy !req
2022. You're a joke!
Copy !req
2023. Maybe you're right.
Copy !req
2024. Yeah, it sucks.
Copy !req
2025. Because I need
people's approval.
Copy !req
2026. Desperately.
Copy !req
2027. Because I could never get it
Copy !req
2028. from my father when I was a kid.
Copy !req
2029. But I see a lot of
the same thing in you, Kim.
Copy !req
2030. Your father...
Copy !req
2031. deprived you of
life's simplest pleasures.
Copy !req
2032. He told you
that margaritas are gay.
Copy !req
2033. I have no comment on margaritas.
Copy !req
2034. Then why don't you drink them?
Copy !req
2035. I... don't like brain freeze.
Copy !req
2036. Fuck you, Dave.
Copy !req
2037. You fucking asshole.
Copy !req
2038. I just have
one more question for you.
Copy !req
2039. What is that?
Copy !req
2040. - I don't know what that is.
- Oh, yes, you do.
Copy !req
2041. No, I don't. I never heard that
before in my life.
Copy !req
2042. I don't know
Copy !req
2043. what you're singing.
Copy !req
2044. You know exactly what it is.
Copy !req
2045. - No, I don't.
- You don't need to lie anymore.
Copy !req
2046. Katy Perry's your favorite!
Copy !req
2047. Katy who?
Copy !req
2048. I don't know who
you're talking about.
Copy !req
2049. No!
Copy !req
2050. I don't need my father!
Copy !req
2051. I am strong!
Copy !req
2052. Excuse me.
Copy !req
2053. Did you just shart?
Copy !req
2054. No, I didn't.
Copy !req
2055. It was that camera guy.
Copy !req
2056. It wasn't me.
Copy !req
2057. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
2058. Kim Jong-un has just pooed
Copy !req
2059. in his pants.
Copy !req
2060. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
2061. Yeah, let's go.
Copy !req
2062. Damn, girl.
Copy !req
2063. You a bad-ass.
Copy !req
2064. I thought
you were my friend, Dave.
Copy !req
2065. I thought you were
my friend, Kim.
Copy !req
2066. I thought everyone lied
about you.
Copy !req
2067. And then I saw
that fake grapefruit
Copy !req
2068. in that fake grocery store,
Copy !req
2069. and I realized that you were
a fake friend.
Copy !req
2070. And then you said
you were gonna blow everybody up
Copy !req
2071. just to show what
a big guy you are?
Copy !req
2072. No friend would blow up
another friend's country.
Copy !req
2073. You're just a flawed man
Copy !req
2074. with a big old butthole.
Copy !req
2075. And you pee and poo
like the rest of us.
Copy !req
2076. Well, tell me this, Dave.
Copy !req
2077. Will you be so cocky
Copy !req
2078. when I slay you in front
of the whole world,
Copy !req
2079. you Yankee motherfucker?
Copy !req
2080. If you shoot me,
Copy !req
2081. you'll just be proving me right.
Copy !req
2082. You're just a sad little man.
Copy !req
2083. Dave! Dave! No!
Copy !req
2084. This is Dave Skylark
Copy !req
2085. signing off.
Copy !req
2086. Good-bye, Dave.
Copy !req
2087. Oh, man.
Copy !req
2088. Bulletproof vest.
Copy !req
2089. Genius!
Copy !req
2090. He's alive, everybody!
Copy !req
2091. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
2092. Got a bulletproof vest on!
Copy !req
2093. I don't know how he got it,
but he's got it on!
Copy !req
2094. Thank you for watching
my interview with Kim Jong-un.
Copy !req
2095. This is Dave Skylark
Copy !req
2096. signing off.
Copy !req
2097. No!
Copy !req
2098. - Aaron!
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
2099. Wait!
Copy !req
2100. The puppy.
Copy !req
2101. Hey, what happened to your hand?
Copy !req
2102. Someone bit
my fucking fingers off.
Copy !req
2103. That's just like Frodo!
Copy !req
2104. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
2105. Don't shoot!
I have a puppy!
Copy !req
2106. Go!
Copy !req
2107. Oh, no! No!
Copy !req
2108. - What is that?
- Oh, oh, no!
Copy !req
2109. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
2110. Oh, God!
Copy !req
2111. Oh, no!
Copy !req
2112. Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! There's more!
Copy !req
2113. You're a hero!
Copy !req
2114. Thank you, sir!
Copy !req
2115. That's the only way out.
Copy !req
2116. Hey...
Copy !req
2117. I have an idea.
Copy !req
2118. Follow me.
Copy !req
2119. Is this Katy fucking Perry?
Copy !req
2120. Just leave it on!
It's helping me concentrate.
Copy !req
2121. Oh, shit,
are those fucking nukes?
Copy !req
2122. Let me check!
Copy !req
2123. Oh, we really fucked up!
Copy !req
2124. He's arming his fucking nukes!
Copy !req
2125. Aah! Fuck!
Copy !req
2126. Skylark!
Copy !req
2127. Kim!
Copy !req
2128. Fuck you!
Copy !req
2129. Fire!
Copy !req
2130. I've been grazed!
Copy !req
2131. - How's the puppy?
- Puppy is okay!
Copy !req
2132. You protect that puppy
with your life.
Copy !req
2133. We got to do something!
Copy !req
2134. He's gonna fucking kill us!
Copy !req
2135. We're in a tank!
Copy !req
2136. Shoot him back.
Copy !req
2137. It's loaded!
Copy !req
2138. Let's barbeque
this motherfucker.
Copy !req
2139. On three.
Copy !req
2140. Balls to the wall,
motherfuckers!
Copy !req
2141. Boom, boom...
Copy !req
2142. Boom!
Copy !req
2143. Yes!
Copy !req
2144. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
2145. Yes!
Copy !req
2146. Okay.
Okay.
Copy !req
2147. That way.
Copy !req
2148. It's an old mining tunnel.
Copy !req
2149. - Holy shit, where does that go?
- West.
Copy !req
2150. Away from Pyongyang.
Copy !req
2151. Keep moving
until you reach the coast.
Copy !req
2152. I wish you both luck.
Copy !req
2153. You sound like you're
not coming with us.
Copy !req
2154. - Yeah, Sook...?
- What-what are you doing?
Copy !req
2155. I have to go to Pyongyang.
Copy !req
2156. That's going right back
into the snake pit.
Copy !req
2157. I can't leave North Korea.
Copy !req
2158. I just helped plunge it
into chaos.
Copy !req
2159. - Yeah, yeah.
- So did we. I'm okay with leaving.
Copy !req
2160. I have to ensure that the power
Copy !req
2161. does not transfer
to the wrong hands.
Copy !req
2162. I can't deny
Copy !req
2163. that we have a chemistry,
Copy !req
2164. but I have to stay here
for my people.
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2165. Okay.
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2166. I'm glad to meet you.
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2167. Okay.
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2168. Kiss her.
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2169. Kiss her, dude.
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2170. Yeah, get in there.
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2171. Ooh...
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2172. I'm happy
to have met you, Aaron.
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2173. You, too.
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2174. Bye, Sook.
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2175. Have fun with the war.
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2176. - All right, it's clear.
- Okay.
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2177. Okay, here you go.
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2178. - You got him?
- All right... got him.
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2179. Yeah.
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2180. You out of that
big, old, scary hole?
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2181. Where are we?
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2182. I don't know.
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2183. Is this China?
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2184. I don't know.
Looks like North Korea.
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2185. Yeah.
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2186. Man.
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2187. - Well, which way's the coast?
- I have no idea.
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2188. Does that do something?
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2189. Dogs always run to the sea.
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2190. - That's not true.
- You got to find the sea.
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2191. I don't think
that's gonna happen, Dave.
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2192. Shit.
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2193. - Shit! Shit! Shit!
- Protect the puppy!
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2194. - Protect the puppy!
- Stop! It's them.
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2195. Echo Romeo Five.
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2196. Echo Romeo Five, we have contact
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2197. with Dung Beetle and Aardvark.
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2198. Aaron, Dave, I'm Captain Sung,
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2199. - Team Six.
- Holy shit.
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2200. How'd you guys find us?
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2201. We tracked you using the GPS
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2202. - on your wristwatch.
- Oh, my God.
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2203. Let's get you boys home.
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2204. Oh, my God.
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2205. For you.
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2206. Me?
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2207. Is it the president?
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2208. Mr. Obama?
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2209. Nope, just me, Agent Lacey.
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2210. Agent Lacey.
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2211. Fancy hearing from you here.
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2212. I enjoyed your interview, guys.
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2213. Now try not to fuck up
your extraction.
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2214. Get home safe.
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2215. Guess who's going to America
where they don't eat doggies?
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2216. - And you get all the good stuff,
- Okay, let's just go.
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2217. - And it's nice.
- Let's get out... Can we please go? Okay.
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2218. Get them in.
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2219. Take the dog.
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2220. She honeypotted me.
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2221. What? What are you
talking about?
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2222. Sook.
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2223. Think about it, man.
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2224. I mean, she researched me,
she seduced me,
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2225. she commandeered my plans,
made them her own.
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2226. I mean, she used me.
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2227. I'll admit it was for, like,
a really good fucking cause,
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2228. but she honeypotted me.
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2229. Yeah.
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2230. Well, good riddance.
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2231. I hated that fucking bitch.
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2232. Really?
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2233. Nah, just thought it would
make you feel better.
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2234. That was your one true love.
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2235. Now she's gone.
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2236. Doesn't make me feel any better.
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2237. Well, you have us,
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2238. and "we wuv you."
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2239. "We aw wuv each other."
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2240. "And as
the North Korean coastline"
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2241. "receded in the distance,"
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2242. "we heard the crackling
of gunfire."
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2243. "It was the beginning
of a revolution..."
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2244. "a revolution
Aaron and I started."
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2245. "Of course, in a tale like this,"
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2246. "you might expect to find"
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2247. "some hot CIA"
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2248. "honeypot
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2249. bombshell..."
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2250. "maybe a few drones
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2251. or a secret CIA watch."
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2252. You got Skype!
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2253. So good to see your face.
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2254. Wait, someone else
wants to say hi.
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2255. Guess what we named him?
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2256. Kim Jong-un.
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2257. Aaron, that's a little
fucked up, no?
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2258. Oh, it's super fucked up,
but he's cute, though.
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2259. "But
there was none of that."
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2260. "No."
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2261. "This was a revolution"
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2262. "ignited with nothing more"
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2263. "than a camera"
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2264. "and some questions."
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2265. "Questions that led a man"
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2266. "once revered as a god"
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2267. "among mortals to cry"
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2268. "and shit his pants.
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2269. The end."
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2270. Thank you.
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2271. Want more fun like "The Interview" Movie,
then like this page please...
www.facebook.com/EnglishLOLChannel/
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