The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)

1. So you see the thing is, Dad, I could reapply next year,

2. but if I defer and try again for Oxford

3. then I'll probably lose my place at Bristol, which is

4. a good university, but not my dream.

5. Do you think it matters in the long term

6. or is the subject and standard of degree more important?

7. - So I got married. - What?

8. - To Susie. We got married. - You mean remarried.

9. This time it's for keeps, though.

10. - Well, when did this happen? - A few weeks ago.

11. I was gonna invite you, but I know how you are around people.

12. - How am I? - Awkward. Weird.

13. I don't live in a cave. I live in suburban London.

14. I spend my entire life around people.

15. Much as I'd like to, it's almost impossible to avoid them.

16. See, this is what I mean.

17. Oh, well, was it a big wedding?

18. No, a couple hundred close friends and family.

19. - And it was perfect. - Mmm.

20. I can't believe you didn't invite me to your wedding.

21. So what are you up to this summer?

22. - You're changing the subject? - Mm-hm.

23. Fine. I don't know. I guess I'll be going on holiday.

24. Oh, this should be good. What have you got planned?

25. Trans-Siberian Express? Fossil hunting in Dorset?

26. Or maybe something even weirder.

27. No, actually, something normal.

28. I'm gonna go somewhere normal with my normal friends

29. to a place full of normal people.

30. - And you, of course. - (SIGHS)

31. ♪ Whoa!

32. In case you were wondering, that was me with my father.

33. And this is where I live,

34. not with him, but with my mother.

35. It's a long story. Well, not that long.

36. He shagged the work experience girl and then left us,

37. so just clichéd, really.

38. Plus, it only happened two years ago,

39. which means I don't even get the luxury

40. of blaming my various personality defects

41. on their divorce.

42. Anyway, that's how I ended up here,

43. the very definition of suburbia -

44. safe, comforting, stifling, boring

45. and I couldn't wait to fucking leave.

46. Maybe that's unfair,

47. as they do say you never know what goes on

48. behind the net curtains of suburbia,

49. although in my friend Jay Cartwright's case,

50. you could have a pretty good guess.

51. Ohh, mmm.

52. (RUSSIAN ACCENT) Are you ready to have some fun, big boy?

53. Mmm, I'm feeling sexy.

54. Take off mask, baby. Let me see.

55. - Nah. - Ohh.

56. Do you promise this will be properly filthy, yeah?

57. Oh, yes, like bomb explode from in penis,

58. so sexy like, mm, finger up bum hole.

59. Christ, you make me so erect.

60. Oh, yes, you also make me erect.

61. Now put in card details.

62. Oh, I'm so horny! Don't forget security number on back.

63. Mmm! Come on. Hurry up.

64. Alright, Jay's mum? Where's Jay?

65. Hello, Neil. He's at home updating his CV.

66. - (MOBILE RINGS) - Oh, excuse me.

67. Hello.

68. Oh...

69. - It's a bit over. Is that OK? - Not really.

70. Excuse me. My prawns.

71. Sorry, mate. I finish at 6:00.

72. Cheers for that.

73. You don't have to thank me every time.

74. Oh, right. Cool.

75. You're so fit.

76. Simon, we need to talk.

77. Oh, not talking!

78. Look, it's been great so far.

79. It's been amazing. Literally the best year of my life.

80. My spots clearing up, not moving to Wales and now you.

81. And I'm definitely getting better at kissing, aren't I?

82. - I think we should break up. - What?

83. We're both going away to uni soon

84. and it'll be too hard to keep it going long distance.

85. It won't be fair on either of us.

86. - I don't mind. - You will mind, though.

87. - You will. - I bloody won't!

88. Plus, I'm going on holidays soon, so there's that.

89. Why? What are you planning to do on holiday?

90. Maybe you should just go home.

91. I just need some space to think at the moment.

92. OK, fine.

93. So I'll see you later, yeah? Or whenever?

94. Mum, I'm back! When's tea?

95. In a minute. - It better be delicious.

96. Oh, oh, yeah.

97. Oh, tell me you love me. Tell me you love me.

98. Oh, yes, I like you, I like you.

99. Get out! I'm just looking at holidays. It's just holidays!

100. Jay, can you come downstairs, please? Your grandfather's died.

101. (WOMAN GIGGLES) Hm, you've got a lady there, you bad boy.

102. Has she got nice titties?

103. Suck on the lady's titties. Suck them, go on!

104. It was our last ever day of school -

105. something my new stepmum had experienced

106. only four years ago herself.

107. So the head of sixth was gonna say a few inspirational words

108. and if ever there was a man for the job,

109. it wasn't lunatic giant Mr Gilbert.

110. I will forget each and every one of you almost immediately

111. so if you do find yourself at a loose end next year,

112. think it might be nice to pop in,

113. see how we're getting on, don't.

114. This isn't the 'Dead Poets Society'

115. and I'm not that bloke on BBC Two

116. who keeps getting kids to sing in choirs.

117. I especially don't want to hear

118. about how well you're settling down at uni

119. or how much growing up you've done in the past 12 months.

120. At best, I am ambivalent towards most of you,

121. but some of you I actively dislike

122. for no other reason than your poor personal hygiene

123. or your irritating personalities.

124. I hope I've made myself clear on this point.

125. And in case any of you think I'm joking, I'm not.

126. I assure you that once my legal obligation

127. to look after your best interests is removed,

128. I can be one truly nasty fucker.

129. Good luck with the rest of your lives

130. and try not to kill anyone.

131. It reflects very badly on all of us here.

132. Slightly more upbeat than I was expecting.

133. They say your school days are the best of your life.

134. The only way that would be true for me

135. would be if I went straight from school to prison

136. and stayed there forever until I died.

137. How many times is that she's caught you now?

138. Four, but this was the worst.

139. Mask, snorkel, ham.

140. Here, one last one for luck.

141. Now, come on, Mark. - Ooh!

142. Good. Old-school wedgie. To be admired, in a way.

143. Squashing the balls now.

144. Ooh, that does not tickle. Arggh!

145. Mark, what the fuck do you think you're doing?

146. - Put him down. - Alright, calm down.

147. Just saying goodbye to the bender squad.

148. - Have a nice life, dickheads. - Oh, grow up! God!

149. - Are you OK, Will? - Fine.

150. Slightly chafed arse crack, but, no, basically fine, thanks.

151. Hi, Simon.

152. OK, well, 'bye, then.

153. - Fucking bitch. - Is she?

154. No.

155. Oh, God, I just really miss her. (CRIES)

156. It's alright, mate. I understand.

157. Anyone would miss those tits.

158. - It's not that, Neil. - Is it her lovely snatch?

159. - No. - I know it feels rough now.

160. You just need to give it some time.

161. I'm just worried I'll never get over her.

162. - I can help with that. - Can you?

163. Yeah, from now on,

164. every time you mention the Moanatronic 5000,

165. you get a slap in the balls.

166. Do you mean Carli? OW! For fuck's sake, Jay!

167. - You were warned. - How's that helping?

168. Stopped you from crying like a baby for one.

169. So my life is still ruined, but now my balls ache too? Thanks.

170. No, your life is just about to begin, mate.

171. Now you've been dumped

172. we can all go on a mental holiday together -

173. two weeks of sun, sea, sex, sand, booze,

174. sex, minge, fanny and tits.

175. And booze. And sex.

176. He's put it horrifically, but he's probably right.

177. A holiday will definitely take your mind off her.

178. It's the perfect time to go.

179. Summer's the perfect time for a summer holiday.

180. Si, what do you say? The lads on tour!

181. And you? - Yes, and me, one of the lads.

182. Fuck it. Go on, then. Maybe it will help.

183. Of course it will.

184. I promise you we'll go somewhere so full of fit birds

185. it'll be like shooting clunge in a barrel.

186. What a lovely image.

187. So that was it. We were no longer schoolboys.

188. And to prove our independence,

189. we were off on the holiday of a lifetime without our parents...

190. .. after we'd made them pay for it.

191. It's the first time you've been away, but don't go crazy.

192. When have I ever gone crazy?

193. When you drank all that shandy at Deborah's wedding.

194. - You went pretty wild. - I was seven years old.

195. He was running round with his pants down

196. shouting, "I've got a white slug."

197. - Mum! - Oh, hello, Kevin.

198. Looks like just Jay we're waiting for, then.

199. It does look like that, doesn't it?

200. - God. Sorry about her. - You alright, Neil?

201. - Your face is a bit weird. - Yeah, fine.

202. Just popped some of me sister's fake tan on - get it started.

203. - Just on your face? - It's on me hands now too.

204. Right. Who's this, then? The vicar?

205. Me? No, I'm Kevin. I'm Neil's father. Nice to meet you.

206. Where's Neil been hiding you, then? The church? (CHUCKLES)

207. Looks like a bloody vicar, doesn't he?

208. - No, no, no, I'm not a vicar. - I know that.

209. But you look like a vicar, talk like a vicar.

210. A bloody gay vicar or something. (LAUGHS)

211. Well, I... I'm not a vicar and I'm not gay.

212. No, I'm saying you look gay, but you can't be, can you,

213. 'cause old soppy bollocks here come out your pipe.

214. Right, I see.

215. Well, better get going. Don't want you to miss that flight.

216. Bye-bye, Pookie Petal. I love you. Mwah.

217. Yep, there you are.

218. Oh, Jay, if you're gonna spend

219. your grandad's money chasing skirt, two things -

220. one, make sure she's not a hound like the last one

221. and, two, try to be a man

222. when she dumps you for someone with a bigger cock...

223. .. which is everyone. (LAUGHS)

224. Dad!

225. Dads are like arseholes - everyone's got one, yes,

226. but also they're arseholes,

227. which is why they make excellent cab drivers.

228. Takes me back, all this - cheap flights at ungodly hours.

229. Where is it you're headed to again?

230. - Simon never tells me anything. Malia in Greece.

231. - Can't say I've heard of it. - Of course you haven't.

232. - It's a cool place. - And it's got a Subway's.

233. Right. In my day, it was all about Spain.

234. Me and my mates went to Magaluf this one time.

235. - 'Shagaluf', we called it. - (CHUCKLES)

236. Should've called it 'Shag-a-lot'...

237. .. and hard, anything that moved.

238. We had a system - always left a hat on the bedroom door

239. when one of us got lucky.

240. - It was usually me. - Oh, Dad, please shut up!

241. I don't know what it is, but you'll find girls

242. just seem to let themselves go a bit more abroad,

243. like, as soon as they smell suncream, they get wet.

244. - Your mum's the same even now. - Oh, God! Just drop us here.

245. I was learning a lot about holidays

246. and not just what they did to Mrs Cooper's front bottom.

247. I was also learning on a lads' holiday

248. it's compulsory to wear hilarious matching T-shirts.

249. Here you are.

250. Nice.

251. You owe me 12 quid each. Except you, Will. You owe 20.

252. I gotta pay more for a shirt

253. I didn't ask for and I'm not gonna wear

254. with a nickname I didn't know I had?

255. - Yes. - Great.

256. ♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on

257. - Malia flight? - Yep.

258. Delayed seven hours.

259. And please remove those T-shirts

260. or we won't allow you to board the plane.

261. Despite Neil offering, twice,

262. they didn't let him drive the plane.

263. Finally, though, we'd made it on holiday

264. and Jay's thoughts on the beautiful Isle of Crete,

265. birthplace of Zeus,

266. were as insightful as ever.

267. - I'm hot. - It is well hot.

268. - Might be too hot. - Might be.

269. - (CAR HORN HONKS) - Oh!

270. Carli! Carli!

271. Carls!

272. Oh, sorry.

273. Oi, Jay, Jay. Tidy minge, 10 o'clock.

274. Jay? Jay!

275. Didn't you see them girls? Why don't you chat up some?

276. I can't handle that many at once.

277. Really? What about that netball team?

278. Yeah, that was alright 'cause that was a luxury caravan,

279. but this coach is way too small for my moves.

280. Oh, of course.

281. So the plan is get to the apartment, unpack,

282. get some sleep, then head out fresh tomorrow.

283. First stop - the Minoan Palace at Knossos.

284. Have you come on a lads' holiday by mistake?

285. We haven't come halfway round the world

286. to look at boring fucking Greek ruins.

287. You can see that shit anywhere.

288. Look, we get there, drop the bags off

289. and then go straight out and get spasticated.

290. Simples!

291. But I've not slept for 37 hours.

292. Shut up and try and get some sleep here, then.

293. Fine. Good idea. (BUS ENGINE STARTS)

294. (BOYS SING) ♪ We love you, Burnley, we do

295. Oh, Burnley! Oh, Burnley!

296. Is wonderful! Is wonderful!

297. When people now ask me if I like football,

298. I say, "Yes, I do like football.

299. "But not Burnley. Burnley can fuck off."

300. (BOYS CONTINUE) ♪ Come on, Burnley!

301. It was a tense moment.

302. Someone was obviously staying here.

303. Right, then, Mackenzie party, this is you.

304. Good one, fellas! Don't worry.

305. It'll look nice when it's finished.

306. Oh, Burnley! Oh, Burnley!

307. Is wonderful! Is wonderful!

308. This don't look like the pictures.

309. I still don't know how the dog died.

310. I can only presume it threw itself in the well

311. rather than stay here.

312. - You Willy? - Yes.

313. Here key. You have fun, but not too much fun.

314. You shit on floor, 50 euro fine each time.

315. Alright, lads? Are you stopping here?

316. - Uh, yes, we are. - Bad luck.

317. I've just come back from Afghanistan

318. and conditions there are better than this shit hole.

319. Can't wait to get back to lying in a dusty trench,

320. being shot at by some raghead.

321. - Are you married? - No.

322. Don't get married. The wife booked this, but it's my fault.

323. Anyway, pop down for a beer if you fancy.

324. I'll see youse later.

325. Steve, you owe me 50 euros!

326. As we entered our new home,

327. wondering if our human rights had been breached,

328. I couldn't help thinking a shit on the floor

329. might have cheered the place up a bit.

330. Shotgun this room!

331. - Shotgun the sofa bed! - Well, where am I gonna sleep?

332. Not really my problem.

333. What's that? Is that the bath?

334. Of course it's not, you fucking idiot. There's the bath there.

335. That's the... kid's toilet.

336. - Is it? - Yes!

337. Why has it got a plughole and a tap, then?

338. For checking your kid's shit before you flush it.

339. - Oh, that's grim. - Yeah, I know.

340. That's the Continentals, innit? They're dirty.

341. See? That looks nice.

342. I'm not sleeping in a fucking bathtub for two weeks, Simon.

343. - We'll share the sofa bed. - Ooh, hello!

344. - Brilliant. - Right.

345. While you two decide who gets first go on each other's cocks,

346. I'm getting ready and getting out there.

347. The gash isn't gonna fuck itself, you know.

348. Charming.

349. Arggh!

350. Finally,

351. smelling like an industrial accident at a Lynx factory

352. and looking like the world's shittest boy band,

353. we hit the town.

354. - Oh, heads down, boys. Shit.

355. What? Why? We haven't done anything.

356. - Foreign police, innit? - So?

357. Don't you even know about foreign police?

358. What, short-sleeved uniforms? Chunkier truncheons?

359. - Oh, fucking hell. - Mate, they're all corrupt.

360. If you misbehave and don't have the money to bribe them,

361. they take you up to these shepherds' huts in the hills,

362. beat you up and bum you.

363. And if they don't kill you, you kill yourself

364. 'cause of the shame of getting a boner whilst being bummed.

365. Right, couple of things.

366. Firstly, the hills are full of timeshares,

367. not deserted shepherds' huts.

368. Secondly, Crete's in the EU so I think the standard of policing

369. probably goes beyond bumming and forced suicide.

370. Believe what you want.

371. I'm keeping a bribe up my arse just in case.

372. You'll spend the holiday with 20 euros inside your arsehole?

373. It's been up there since the seatbelt signs went off, mate.

374. Alright, lads? Holiday, is it, yeah?

375. I'm at it on my own, having a mental time.

376. - Can I have a beer? - Here you go, mate.

377. - No, you can't! - Alright, which is it?

378. You say yes, he says bloody no. He's not your boss, is he, hey?

379. Great talking to you, but we've really gotta get a move on.

380. - Can I come round for a shower? - Um, no.

381. No? Cool beans. See you later.

382. Richard, yeah? Richard.

383. Well, Richard was clearly mental,

384. but as we were about to discover so was everything else here.

385. While Simon was seeing Carli everywhere,

386. Jay was seeing some very lucky ladies.

387. - She'd get it. - Most definitely.

388. Oh, and that one. She'd get it.

389. And that one! And that one!

390. - And that one. She'd get it. - Right in the bum holey.

391. I can't believe I've already got a bird. Gutted.

392. So what? All birds know what goes on tour stays on tour.

393. I couldn't do that to Nicole. I think I love her.

394. I've never loved anything before

395. apart from a car or sandwich.

396. Alright, lads? You up for a good time?

397. - Always up for a good time. - We're the 'Pussay Patrol'.

398. - If you are the Pussay Patrol. - Which we are.

399. ..you're obviously going to Marco's.

400. It's the most buzzing bar here,

401. always packed with a really chilled out, sexy vibe.

402. - Know what I mean? - I don't really know.

403. When you say "sexy vibe", do you mean girls?

404. Of course, loads of girls.

405. I'll sort you out with half-priced drinks

406. and a free fishbowl.

407. Cool, cool, cool.

408. So will you be in there with your sexiness,

409. making the vibe all sexy, being all sexy and that, sexy?

410. Say 'sexy' more.

411. I will be if you're gonna be there, you saucy bugger.

412. Come on, then.

413. Here you go, these four. I'll see you in a bit.

414. - Mine's a Bacardi and Coke. - Large one?

415. Saucy! See you later.

416. Fucking hell! You're well in there, mate.

417. Yep. He shoots, he scores right up the vag.

418. God, if she's outside, imagine the birds inside.

419. - (FOREIGN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) - Ah, interesting.

420. It must get going a bit later. She did say it was amazing.

421. And why would she lie?

422. Alright, mate?

423. Four pints, four J germeisters and a fishbowl, please.

424. (SPEAKS SLOWLY) Hello! When it good here?

425. - Sorry? - When here party good?

426. Normally about an hour or two.

427. As we've paid, maybe we should hang on.

428. But this year, never.

429. - Thanking you very much. - OK, let's go.

430. Fuck off! My bird will be down in a minute.

431. You mean the woman who was clearly on commission

432. to trick people into this empty bar?

433. I mean the hottie outside I was flirting with.

434. I'll take that as a yes.

435. I'm going nowhere till she's sucked me off.

436. - So you're going nowhere? Jay, we're on holiday!

437. I'm meant to be out hitting on girls I think are beneath me,

438. but who won't give me the time of day, so let's go.

439. Oh, hello, hello. It's those little lovelies from the coach.

440. - That one's not so little. - They're looking at us.

441. And not in a terrified, "Leave us alone," way. Amazing.

442. Jay, you're drunkest. Talk to them.

443. Nah, not me. None of them are as fit as my one outside.

444. Why go for hamburgers when you got steak at home?

445. If, like you, you have neither anywhere. It's up to you, Si.

446. Oh, shit. Really? I dunno if I'm over Carli.

447. Ow! Fuck! Can you stop that?

448. Yes, I can when you stop being such a pussy about your ex.

449. It's time to get back on the horse now, Si,

450. and those little ponies need feeding.

451. Feed the pony.

452. I'll introduce us, but we've all gotta go over together.

453. - Great. - You fucking sad cases.

454. You don't walk up to a girl in a club and introduce yourself.

455. It's creepy. Clubs have different rules, you dick.

456. Look, you dance over near them, make the eyes.

457. - Get them to dance with ya. - Really?

458. - Annoyingly, does sound right. - Thank you!

459. Then after a bit, you stand behind them,

460. pretend to slap them and fuck them up the arse.

461. - That might be a bit much. - Yeah, I dunno.

462. Oh, fucking hell. I'll do it.

463. - What about Nicole? - It's only dancing.

464. She likes my dancing. Stick with me. You'll be fine.

465. Right, then, Si. Looks like the holiday starts here.

466. Am I doing it right? Am I in time?

467. Maybe a bit out, but not so you notice. Copy Neil.

468. Sorry. You mind if we come talk to you?

469. 'Cause you look nice and, frankly,

470. this is just humiliating for everyone involved.

471. Um...

472. .. sit down, Specs.

473. Hello. I'm Lucy.

474. Hi, I'm Diamond. Simon! I'm Simon.

475. I better not get stuck with the fat one.

476. So when Alison initially suggested Malia,

477. we all thought, "Yeah, why not? It'll be ironic."

478. Then we had a reality check and thought, "Do we honestly

479. "want to spend two weeks somewhere being ironic?"

480. Obviously, the answer was no, so we looked at other places,

481. but we realised actually we did just want to have a laugh

482. and go clubbing and get drunk and be silly

483. and that this might genuinely be a really good place to come.

484. So, fuck it, here we are.

485. Just so you know, I've met a really fit bird

486. and she'll be along any minute, alright?

487. OK. She won't mind you talking to me, then, will she?

488. If our dancing was bad - and it was bad -

489. then our small talk was even worse.

490. Uh...

491. They were useless. It was up to me.

492. So I dived in with my best chat-up line.

493. - I'm Will, by the way. - Alison.

494. So did this place hire you out

495. as an avant-garde dance troupe to scare the customers off?

496. No, I lost my mind and agreed to come here on holiday.

497. - What's your excuse? - Sort of similar.

498. I came out here earlier this summer

499. and fell crazy in love with a gorgeous local.

500. - Now I'm back. - Huh, hilarious.

501. Of course you did. What was he - barman or waiter?

502. - Waiter. - Brilliant.

503. - Was he called Stavros? - Nicos.

504. Too good. I bet he's different to all the boys back home.

505. Yeah, he understands women, for one.

506. I'm sure he does. Must get enough practice.

507. Not only had Jay not offered to buy Jane a drink,

508. he'd now stopped paying for his own.

509. Meanwhile, Simon had finally found a subject

510. he was sure Lucy would love.

511. It's pretty devastating 'cause she's definitely

512. the most beautiful girl I've ever met.

513. She's so fascinating. She's really funny, you know?

514. Oh, right. In what sort of way?

515. Like, you know when something's funny and people get it?

516. - Yes. - So in that way.

517. And also in a comedy way.

518. Neil was a man of few words,

519. but even for him this was ridiculous.

520. Luckily, he had a trump card to play.

521. Do you want to dance?

522. Meanwhile, Alison didn't seem to be enjoying

523. my hilarious Greek waiter impression.

524. I presume he wooed you with the old...

525. (FAUX ACCENT) .."I love you, I love you.

526. "You only girl for me.

527. "There no other girl in my life.

528. "Wait, here comes the next plane from Newcastle. Gotta go, baby."

529. Sorry, you do realise I'm not playing along with the joke?

530. I do genuinely have a Greek waiter boyfriend called Nicos.

531. No, course you do! Brilliant. Nicos.

532. You've really nailed the clichés.

533. You are joking, aren't you?

534. No.

535. His grandmother has a moustache as well,

536. if that makes the stereotype even funnier for you.

537. Sorry. I'm sure he's not like every other waiter out here.

538. That's fine. You don't know what you're talking about.

539. Your accent was pretty good, though.

540. Oh, gotta go.

541. Don't wanna miss my stereotypical Greek boyfriend.

542. He might get angry and smash some plates.

543. Or commit atrocities in Anatolia.

544. You're not normal, are you?

545. So then Carli said we needed some space

546. and uni's coming up so maybe she's right.

547. - Sorry. Who's right? - Carli.

548. - Who? - Carli, my ex.

549. You went out with a girl called Carli?

550. You should've said.

551. What? I did. That's all I've been talking about.

552. Ohh!

553. - Yes, I was joking. - Sorry for going on about her.

554. I usually get a smack in the balls to stop me.

555. - What? - Um, nothing.

556. You right, Lis? Where's that bloke you were dancing with?

557. Luce, we should go.

558. Nicos finishes soon. I don't want to miss him.

559. So shall we all hang out again some time?

560. Yeah, you lot don't seem too bad.

561. If I hear another bloke out here

562. refer to women as 'gash', I'll scream.

563. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that is horrible.

564. It's awful when men do that.

565. - Disgusting. - Really bad.

566. Do you fancy coming to the all-day boat party Friday?

567. It's meant to be sold out, but our rep

568. reckons he can still get tickets.

569. All-day boat party? What's that?

570. - Well, it's a party. - OK.

571. - All day. - Yep.

572. - On a boat. - Oh, right.

573. Well, now that's been cleared up we should go.

574. See you later, Will.

575. Amazing.

576. Do you realise we just danced over, chatted up some girls,

577. they loved it and you didn't fuck it up?

578. - Me? - Are we players?

579. I'm starting to think that here, unlike at home,

580. we might actually be players.

581. Maybe. I'm not really sure what that means.

582. However, as I've not slept now for two days, I'm going to bed.

583. Yeah, my eyeballs feel like they've got paper cuts.

584. - Jay, you coming? - Fuck that!

585. There's a fit bird up there who's so wet for me

586. I can hear the waves breaking in her fanny.

587. I'm gonna down this, go to the beach and fuck her brains out.

588. Right, well, we've established that isn't happening.

589. Fine. Watch me.

590. Mm, classy.

591. We better get Neil.

592. - Neil... Oh, God! We're off. - Right, won't be a minute.

593. - I'll just finish up here. - Christ, what about Nicole?

594. She won't mind. We're not kissing.

595. Nah, it's just fingers, ain't it, lovey?

596. Right.

597. I'll catch you lot up. One second.

598. He's definitely picked up the pace.

599. While Neil picked up his finger-banging speed,

600. we picked up Jay

601. and he had a chilling prediction to share with us.

602. She's gonna suck my knob-knob dry. You watch.

603. I'd rather not watch, if it's all the same to you.

604. Shit. Is that Carli?

605. Look, Si, it's normal that after a break-up

606. you'll think you see her everywhere, but she's not here.

607. Yeah, I s'pose.

608. - It could be her. - What?

609. - It could be her. She's here. - What?

610. We weren't sure where the best place to go was.

611. Her and her mates are cool so I asked where they was going.

612. - That's why I booked Malia. - You fucking idiot!

613. I came away to try and get over her.

614. - Did ya? - You know I did!

615. Oh, yeah, of course.

616. Oh, God, look at her.

617. Do you think this is fate - her being here, me being here?

618. No, I think Neil asked her where she was going

619. and then booked the same place, like he just said.

620. Let's go before she sees us.

621. No, no. I've gotta go talk to her.

622. If there's a chance to get back together, I've gotta take it.

623. Carli! Carli!

624. Simon! Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

625. - Stalking you abroad. - No, the opposite, actually.

626. Just a mix-up by my friends,

627. my stupid fucking idiot friends.

628. Well, whatever. It's great to see you.

629. - Is it? - Yeah, it is, of course.

630. Of course.

631. So as we're here, why don't we hang out? How about right now?

632. Now? Oh, I can't now.

633. But you'll be at the boat party on Friday, right?

634. I was literally just talking about the boat party.

635. It's gonna be amazing, the best way to round off our holiday.

636. What? Why are you going? Don't go.

637. I've got to go. My flight leaves on Saturday.

638. The boat's our last chance to party.

639. Right, well, I'll definitely be there, then. For total.

640. One million per cent. Definitely.

641. Cool. It'll be great to hang out again.

642. - I've missed you. - Hmm.

643. Ow! Jesus!

644. - Fuck it! - Sorry, mate.

645. James! Are you alright, Simon?

646. (MOANS) Yeah, fine. Ohh!

647. I'll walk it off.

648. Cool, yeah. Carls, come on. We gotta go.

649. - Do you two know each other? - Yeah, James is our rep.

650. Rep, unofficial rep. I sort out club nights.

651. Do a bit of organising, PR,

652. just make sure everyone's having a good time,

653. you know what I mean?

654. - You sure you alright, mate? - All good.

655. Cool. Carls, come on.

656. 'Bye, Simon. See you on the boat.

657. See you, mate. Mind that leg.

658. I'll sort you out with a free fishbowl.

659. Oi, baby, you stood me up!

660. Oh, you didn't wait long enough, sweetheart.

661. - Come on. Kiss me. - I'm working, darling.

662. I love your boobs.

663. What? What gives you the right to touch me, you fucking prick?

664. - What? - Sorry.

665. He had too much of the old drink.

666. I am sick of every dickhead thinking

667. he's got touching rights just 'cause I smiled at him.

668. It's my fucking job, you cretin!

669. - Are you on the blob? - Oh!

670. Sexy. I like it.

671. - No, Jay! Time for bed. - Oh, fuck that!

672. You two can bum yourselves to death on the sofa bed.

673. I'm going to get another drink.

674. Jay, don't be insane. You're too drunk already.

675. I'm on fucking holiday! You can't be too drunk.

676. - You coming, Neil? - Nah, I like it in there.

677. The way I see it, not sleeping for two nights

678. is pretty much the same as not sleeping for one.

679. Right, fine. Fucking knobheads.

680. - How was your chat? - Amazing. Carli is here, Will.

681. That's what she was worried about - us being apart.

682. That's why we split up.

683. But we're not apart. We're both here.

684. I just need to get on that boat.

685. Actually, can one of youse help me?

686. I think she might be a two-man job.

687. - What happened to your leg? - I got a little bit run over.

688. A "little bit" run over?

689. The next morning I was woken up

690. by what sounded like Big Foot having an asthma attack.

691. (WHISPERS) Simon.

692. Simon!

693. Christ, it's like a sauna in here.

694. Have you got any water?

695. What the fuck is that noise?

696. I think it's Neil.

697. Oh, no. Not the dinner lady from last night.

698. I can't understand a thing you say.

699. Spunk all over me bastard tits!

700. Well, it's her or Johnny Vegas.

701. Ohh! Fucking smack it!

702. Smack it, you little prick!

703. - Is that all you've got? - Shall I bite it?

704. - Interesting question. - This is beyond creepy.

705. .. spit on it, twist it right fucking off.

706. OK, I'm getting out of here.

707. Harder! - (NEIL SHRIEKS)

708. How can I have spent 100 euros?

709. Holy shit, I only budgeted 15 euros a day.

710. Great, I've spunked all my money in one night.

711. - Alright? - Oh, Jesus, Neil!

712. Don't worry about that. It's on the way down.

713. Don't you feel bad about Nicole?

714. - Who? - Nicole.

715. The girlfriend you've just cheated on.

716. Oh, no, no, 'cause we weren't kissing

717. and only the tip went in.

718. Any more than the tip is cheating.

719. I'd never do that 'cause I got ethics.

720. - Right. - Anyone want breakfast?

721. No, I'm gonna go to the Palace Hotel.

722. It's where those girls we met last night are staying.

723. At least you found someone to stalk other than Carli.

724. Ow! Not me, Neil!

725. Lucy reckons their rep can still get boat party tickets.

726. Yeah, I'll come. Alison was nice.

727. - Neil? - Can't. I had a nightmare.

728. I left my trunks in England, didn't I?

729. Could always wear your Calvins. They're practically the same.

730. - Can I, Will? - Um, yeah. I suppose.

731. And can I bring a ball?

732. - Yes, Neil. Yes, you can. - Cool.

733. - Oh, have you guys seen Jay? - Shit, not since last night.

734. No. I mean, have you seen him? He's over there.

735. So Jay had slept facedown in the dirt,

736. but I'd woken up listening to Neil getting sucked off.

737. As far as I was concerned, he won.

738. Ohh! (GROANS)

739. Oh, face!

740. Yeah, you got something on your face.

741. It appears Jay slept on an ants' nest.

742. Oh, pain!

743. Tongue.

744. It's alright, boys. Kitty don't bite.

745. Not now she's been fed, hey, lover?

746. What the fuck was that?

747. Unsurprisingly, the girls' hotel was nicer than our hotel.

748. There are North Korean prison camps

749. nicer than our hotel.

750. But like a North Korean prison camp,

751. it was overcrowded so we had nowhere to sit.

752. - What about there? They got towels on them.

753. - So? - People have bagsied them.

754. - We can't take those. - Fuck that!

755. - No, Jay! We can't! - Watch me.

756. It's probably just a load of krauts

757. that got down early to reserve them.

758. That towel's got 'Finding Nemo' on it.

759. Oh, what? So Nazis can't like Disney too?

760. Jay!

761. Besides, I really need a lie-down.

762. My head's more fucked than Neil's dad's arsehole.

763. Jay, please.

764. Jay and Neil were off

765. to, as they put it, "check out the chicas",

766. but I had a serious problem.

767. In the absence of my mother or a teacher,

768. I needed help with my sunblock.

769. - Simon, will you do my back? - No.

770. - No? - I don't want to touch you.

771. Unbelievable. Fine, I'll do it myself.

772. Alright, I'll do it with one finger.

773. Thank you.

774. You've got too much here and here.

775. I'll scrape it off.

776. But don't try and be funny and draw a cock on my back.

777. No, of course not.

778. Right, all done.

779. See? That wasn't so bad, was it?

780. No, that was fine.

781. I was really enjoying my book,

782. blissfully unaware of the crudely drawn phallus

783. burning itself onto my skin.

784. Meanwhile, Jay was having trouble

785. with his emergency funds.

786. - You alright? - Yeah, just that 20 euros.

787. Ay, ay, Jay, here we go. We've been spotted.

788. Seen them. Look cool.

789. (LAUGHS) Manchester!

790. Manchester!

791. - Who's this little twat? - You from Manchester?

792. You like Manchester.

793. - Yeah, near Manchester. - No, you aren't.

794. Shut up, Neil. The birds are loving it.

795. Goal!

796. Yeah, goal! Goal to Manchester! Yeah.

797. Oh, Manchester, foul.

798. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Uh!

799. Yeah, hilarious. Now get out of the way.

800. - Whoa! - (LAUGHS)

801. Right, you're fucking dead, you little shit!

802. Hey! Just leave it.

803. The chicas are looking. Just laugh it off.

804. Oh! (CONTINUES LAUGHING)

805. No, I'm fine for drinks, thanks.

806. - Oh, Alison. Hello. - Hello.

807. You know you've got a spunking cock on your back?

808. - What? Oh, no! - (LAUGHS)

809. Thanks, Simon. Very funny, very mature.

810. I've been lying here with a cock on my back?

811. - Not for the first time. - (LAUGHS)

812. I'll burn a muff on my tit

813. if it makes you feel less self-conscious.

814. It would, actually. We'd make quite the pair.

815. You've got a really good spot here.

816. Yeah, Jay sorted them.

817. Did he use some of his boyish charm?

818. In a way, yes.

819. I think I might start drinking again.

820. - Anyone fancy joining me? - Um, yes, I will.

821. Oh, lucky me.

822. Ohh, I'm knackered.

823. - Fishbowl hangover? - No.

824. - Nicos was over last night. - Does not stop talking.

825. No, we were having sex.

826. Right.

827. Does it make you uncomfortable when I mention sex?

828. No, no. It's good.

829. It's great that you're so... sexually active.

830. Yeah, I s'pose it is.

831. What's the best sex you've ever had, Will?

832. - Well, hard to say, really. - Come on. You can tell me.

833. Oh, I don't like to sex and tell.

834. Don't be boring! Just tell me.

835. Look, I'm gonna level with you.

836. I have never put my penis in a lady.

837. Well, that's alright. You're a virgin. It's cool.

838. It's definitely not cool. If anything, it's famously uncool.

839. - Well, it's cute, then. - Oh, God. That's even worse.

840. - Huh! You're funny, Will. - Well, that's something.

841. Can I get a girl into bed just by making her laugh?

842. - Course you can... - Wow. Great.

843. .. if she's a clinical moron.

844. Lucy, it's so amazing to see you.

845. What a welcome. Nice to see you too.

846. Yeah, good. Now, can you still get boat party tickets?

847. I'd have thought so. I just have to go and find the rep.

848. - So you're coming along, then? - Yeah, of course.

849. - It'll be amazing. - Great.

850. 'Cause Carli's here in Malia

851. and she's gonna be on the boat tomorrow.

852. If I can just get five minutes with her,

853. I know we'll fix things up.

854. It's fate. So can you go and get those tickets?

855. You really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you?

856. Yeah, yeah, I know. Carli is gonna love it.

857. Can you hurry up?

858. Simon's plan was coming together.

859. Meanwhile, Jane was about to experience

860. the full force of Jay's boyish charm.

861. Can you move? You're blocking the sun.

862. Charming! What's happened to your face, Jay?

863. It's a food allergy.

864. I could do with one of those. Maybe an iced bun allergy.

865. Yeah, you could.

866. Meanwhile, Neil had a surprise in store for Lisa.

867. I forgot my trunks. Fancy a swim?

868. Oh, leave it out, you little prick.

869. Right, that's it!

870. I'm gonna fucking kill you, I'm gonna fucking kill you!

871. Oi! Those are our sun beds. And where's our towels?

872. Oh, good.

873. There weren't any towels when we arrived an hour ago.

874. I didn't ask to read your fucking diary.

875. - I said, "Where's our towels?" - No need to be abusive.

876. If you look around, there are signs everywhere

877. saying you can't reserve sun beds.

878. So you moved our towels?

879. The point I'm making is whatever the fate of the towels,

880. these cannot be your beds. What have you done

881. with my fucking towels?

882. Sir, I get you nice other beds. Please take up your stuff.

883. Me? What? Why should we move? 'Cause he's made a scene?

884. 'Cause his family's too lazy to walk 20 feet to the pool?

885. Seriously, I'm warning you.

886. Why have a rule if you don't enforce it?

887. - The signs are redundant. - (GIRL CRIES) My towel!

888. - Disabled. Of course she is. - Here you go.

889. - Happy now? - Well, obviously not.

890. And that isn't helping.

891. You got five seconds to get off my beds.

892. Come on, Will. We'll just find somewhere else.

893. I still don't see why we should move.

894. Yes, his daughter has a serious condition,

895. but it's not like the whole family

896. are therefore entitled to poolside seats for life.

897. Strictly speaking, she doesn't even need another chair.

898. Are you guests at this hotel?

899. Arggh! No! I no swim!

900. Please, mister! I no swim! I beg you, not pool!

901. Arggh!

902. Alright, alright. It's just a joke.

903. We're mates.

904. - So little, so little! Arggh! - (PEOPLE GASP)

905. Great.

906. And with a rough grab from a BO-ridden security guard,

907. Simon's perfect plan came crashing down.

908. Thanks a lot, Jay.

909. - Me? What have I done? - I don't know.

910. Oh, yeah, fucked everything up for me like you always do.

911. I had to teach him a lesson. He was mugging me off.

912. He was nine years old and couldn't swim!

913. Now my life is ruined. Thanks.

914. Is this about the tickets? Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

915. You don't get to go to the boat party. So what?

916. So I don't get back the woman I love!

917. It's not my fault Carli thinks you're a prick.

918. Watch me more closely, mate. Might actually learn something.

919. Yeah, what would I learn? How to bullshit about having sex?

920. How to sleep in an ants' nest or be scared shitless of my dad?

921. Come on. Calm down.

922. You'd learn not to be such a tool over that miserable cunt.

923. Don't call Carli a cunt!

924. - You had enough yet? - Have you had enough yet?

925. - I asked first! - (BOTH GRUNT)

926. - We should do something. - You wanna go get a Subway?

927. No, I meant about the fight. We should break it up.

928. Yeah.

929. Alright, come on, you two.

930. No!

931. I'm sick of his bollocks! I'm gonna fucking do him!

932. Ooh, you're hard, Si. Didn't see you do me just now.

933. - Come back here then, prick. - Let's go for a walk!

934. - Oh, don't cry, Si! - I'm not crying.

935. - You're crying. - Don't look like it.

936. - You're crying! - Come here, then!

937. - See you later, then, Will. - Alright.

938. Ohh!

939. Honestly, I'm done with that arsehole.

940. Why do I even hang round with him?

941. Well, yeah, obviously we all wonder that at times.

942. Look, it's been a tough few days. The Carli thing is weird.

943. But just 'cause you fought with Jay, you don't have to leave.

944. I'm not leaving.

945. You are aware you're packing your suitcase?

946. I've never liked him.

947. You've been mates since primary school.

948. He's a little cry-baby poof. And his hair!

949. Everyone took the piss out of that, but not me. I didn't.

950. I fucking wish I had now.

951. - You did a bit. - Well, no, of course a bit.

952. But not enough. He's a total twat.

953. Oh, that's harsh, mate. He can be a knob, but he's not a twat.

954. - I'm gonna sell my clothes. - You're having a breakdown.

955. She means so much to me. I don't care about anything else.

956. If I can get enough money, I can buy a ticket

957. for the boat party somehow, whatever it costs.

958. Money is all I need.

959. I agree, but who's gonna buy your clothes?

960. No offence, but you dress appallingly.

961. Are you gonna help or just constantly undermine me?

962. - A bit of both, I'd imagine. - Fine.

963. Do you think Alison likes me?

964. 13 years he's been dragging me down.

965. - Well, fuck him! - What's that?

966. Boat party tickets. I bought four before I passed out.

967. Cost a fortune. I thought I'd surprise him.

968. Well, here's his fucking surprise.

969. - Oh, no. Jay, don't. - No, fuck him!

970. And fuck that dick Will too.

971. What should we do now, then?

972. Now we have the best holiday ever

973. and do what we came here to do.

974. - Get better at swimming! - No.

975. Go on pussay patrol!

976. Unfortunately for him,

977. Simon wasn't the only person in Malia

978. trying to sell shit no-one wanted.

979. - Lookie, lookie! - Hello, hello.

980. Hello, nice lady. Good price!

981. Clothes? Lookie, lookie. Top clothes for sale.

982. You want clothes? Good price.

983. I think you'd have more luck selling the big glasses.

984. - Isn't that Carli's friend? - He's a rep.

985. - Don't think they're friends. - Alright, mate?

986. What's this? The world's shittest boot fair?

987. Hah. Just selling my clothes for money.

988. I need money desperately.

989. Alright, as luck would have it,

990. I've got a mate who's had his apartment broken into.

991. The fuckers nicked all his clothes.

992. I reckon he'll be interested. I'll call him.

993. That'd be amazing. Thanks so much.

994. No problem, mate. All part of the service, yeah?

995. - See? - Alright, mate?

996. Yeah, got some clothes.

997. Yeah, got some girls' T-shirts.

998. - These are girls', right? - No.

999. Hoodies like your mum'd buy you.

1000. The sort of jeans Jeremy Clarkson wears.

1001. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's all shit.

1002. Hold on. He says he'll give you 100 euros for the lot.

1003. Amazing! Totally.

1004. Cool. Coolio. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1005. Thanks so much, man.

1006. - With what you're wearing now. - Really?

1007. - Yeah, that's the deal. - OK.

1008. Obviously, he's not gonna take his clothes off.

1009. - Oh. - Nice one!

1010. Oh, he's gonna need your pants too.

1011. - What? These? - Thieves stole everything.

1012. Give me your pants. I'll be back with your 100 euros.

1013. Sorry, this has gone too far. Do not take your pants off.

1014. Stop always telling me what to do! I'm an adult.

1015. James is doing me a favour. What are you doing, hey?

1016. Here you are. You'll be right back, yeah?

1017. Of course I will. I'll see you very soon.

1018. Thanks, James. Thanks so much, man.

1019. Told you.

1020. Yeah, cheers, Abdul. Good luck, mate.

1021. James isn't coming back, is he?

1022. - Don't think so. - Brilliant.

1023. So we made Simon some makeshift pants

1024. and headed home to get changed.

1025. Simon, please don't fart in my T-shirt.

1026. Sorry.

1027. In just 24 hours

1028. Malia had pretty much broken me and Simon.

1029. So, in a way, I had to admire Jay and Neil,

1030. as they rolled up the sleeves on their offensive T-shirts

1031. and dived straight back in.

1032. - This place is mental. - It's decadent, Neil.

1033. That's what they call it. This is what we came here for.

1034. You won't find those other two muppets in a place like this.

1035. They'd just shit themselves and run away.

1036. DJ: And now, all the way from Privilege in Ibiza,

1037. we have a very, very special act.

1038. Probably some fit dancer who'll take one look at me

1039. and want to bang me all night.

1040. Yeah, and we've got the best view.

1041. You'll see up their snatch from here.

1042. This is it, Neil. This is a fucking holiday.

1043. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Fernando!

1044. Must be like a cage fighter or a martial arts type thing.

1045. Whoa!

1046. - Is this a bit gay? - No, it's decadent.

1047. Let's have a big cheer for Fernando,

1048. the master of self-fellatio.

1049. I don't know if I like decadent things.

1050. Jay and Neil never told us

1051. exactly how close they came to Fernando's cock,

1052. but they did say they could smell it.

1053. And they were still having more fun than us.

1054. Last two. Shall we pretend they're pudding?

1055. Alright, fellas? Romantic dinner, is it, yeah?

1056. I've just had a 'mare, right?

1057. Some massive body-building geezer

1058. came running out the bushes at me - God knows why.

1059. Anyway, I've lamped him. He's gone flying.

1060. (WHISPERS) I think I might've killed him.

1061. OK, well, it's been lovely to chat, Richard.

1062. - Can you lend us 50 quid? - Um, no.

1063. Simple and clear. 30?

1064. - No, we're going. - Are we? Where?

1065. Terrible bar I know. See you later, Richard.

1066. 10? 10? 10? 10?

1067. (DESPERATELY) Five?

1068. 'Ere, look. It's that James bloke Carli's sucking off.

1069. - Oh, yeah. - See?

1070. Now, that looks like a proper laugh.

1071. Neil, I think it's time

1072. the Pussay Patrol recruited some new members.

1073. You alright, mate?

1074. - Do I know you? - Yeah, we're mates of Carli's.

1075. Ah, yeah. 'Carli Cling-On'. Nice girl, bit keen.

1076. Yeah, our mate's in love with her, the fucking dick.

1077. Oh, is he?

1078. Well, tell him he can have a sniff on these if he's lucky.

1079. Yeah, well, he's not really a mate.

1080. We ditched him. Yeah, he's too tragic.

1081. It's a wicked place, this. Nice vibe.

1082. What, you think a bloke sucking his own cock is wicked?

1083. - Are you bent? - (ALL LAUGH)

1084. Nah, of course not. We're the Pussay Patrol.

1085. Pussay Patrol? More like the Bumming Brigade.

1086. The only pussy you'll get will be a cat.

1087. Oi! I said the only pussy they'll get will be a cat.

1088. You know, like one of them stray cats you get round here.

1089. - (LAUGHS) Good one. - Fuck you, you lanky prick.

1090. You two are fucking me off. Get out of my face.

1091. Oh, no. Come on, we're having a laugh. We're alright here.

1092. You're not fucking alright anywhere,

1093. you scrawny little shit.

1094. Now, fuck off before I put a glass in your throat.

1095. - (SNIFFS) - You alright, Jay?

1096. - Yeah. - Are you crying?

1097. No, it's just the smoke in here.

1098. There isn't any.

1099. Yeah, that's what I mean.

1100. Do you wanna go somewhere not decadent?

1101. So what happens now?

1102. Probably a bit far for my dad to come and pick us up.

1103. Oh, great.

1104. Be nice. Maybe he's come to apologise.

1105. Alright? - We were just leaving.

1106. - Ooh. Don't cry, Simon. - I'm not crying.

1107. Jay, it was you crying, remember?

1108. - Neil! - Come on, Si.

1109. Let's all share a fishbowl.

1110. - We're totally out of cash. - Yeah.

1111. We're not all lucky enough to have a relative die.

1112. Well, you're clearly fucked without me,

1113. so I was gonna buy your drinks.

1114. But if you're gonna be a baby, fuck it.

1115. Were you really?

1116. Well, I'm not arsed either way, but if I have to... yes.

1117. Si?

1118. Alright. Thank you, Jay.

1119. Shake.

1120. Group hug?

1121. Oh, go on, Neil. Just one more suicide shot.

1122. Fucking hell.

1123. - Right, tenner, please. - Sorry, mate.

1124. - Had my fingers crossed. - Oh, not again!

1125. Oh, my God. I never expected to see them again.

1126. Doesn't matter, though, does it?

1127. Even if Lucy can get a boat party ticket,

1128. I now can't afford one.

1129. Yes, but incredible as it may seem,

1130. I wasn't thinking about you.

1131. Hi, guys. Taking a break from drowning children?

1132. We are. And welcome back to Malia's least cool bar.

1133. We're regulars, obviously, but surprised to see you here again.

1134. It's the only place where the blokes weren't total animals.

1135. I'll take that as a compliment.

1136. - Hello, by the way. - Hello, spectacles.

1137. Still gonna get shit-faced, though.

1138. Shots only. Are you man enough, Jaybo?

1139. - Course. - Thought you would be.

1140. Clearly, Alison was out of my league,

1141. but, then, all girls I like are out of my league.

1142. Look at me. Imagine my league. It had to be worth a go.

1143. So, I've been thinking... about us.

1144. - What, the four of you? - No, me and you.

1145. There's no us, so that's a weird thought process, but go on.

1146. I'm not sure Nicos is right for you.

1147. Interesting.

1148. Why wouldn't my sexy, charming, caring boyfriend,

1149. who is also a sensational lover, be right for me?

1150. - You'd say sensational? - Hmm.

1151. It was nice of Richard Branson to lend you an outfit.

1152. It's Neil's. Is it really that bad?

1153. Well, at least you look fantastic.

1154. Right, there's one thing for it - we're gonna say fuck it

1155. and do shots till one of us is sick through our nose.

1156. My money's on me. Four monkey brains, please.

1157. I like this Simon. He's fun.

1158. Thanks very much.

1159. - Cheers. - Cheers.

1160. Oh, actually, can you pay?

1161. Right, next!

1162. No, no. I can't have another one.

1163. I'm sorry, didn't realise you were a lightweight.

1164. - What? - Lightweight. Lightweight.

1165. You're one to talk about lightweights.

1166. What do you mean? Oh, 'cause I'm fat?

1167. No.

1168. What I mean, Jane, is...

1169. ..I'm gonna drink you under the table.

1170. - You're trouble, aren't you? - (GIGGLES)

1171. You're funny - that is why I know

1172. you don't have to worry about getting laid.

1173. Um, did I say I was worried?

1174. No, but it's obvious that you are,

1175. and you think that somehow I'm the answer.

1176. Well, I am not, and you'll be fine.

1177. - I think you might be, though. - Nonsense.

1178. In fact, I am so confident I will make a pact with you.

1179. If you still haven't had sex by this time next year,

1180. I'll have sex with you.

1181. As long as I'm not with Nicos, of course.

1182. Of course.

1183. Um... this is a joke, right?

1184. A handshake's good.

1185. Is it possible to get it in writing?

1186. See? Funny. Yes. Ha, ha, ha.

1187. Hmm...

1188. You alright, Lis? Where's Neil?

1189. He is literally incredible.

1190. Come on, Lis. We're getting out of here.

1191. Let's go for a swim. Come on, you.

1192. Are you coming swimming?

1193. I can't. I haven't brought my swimming costume.

1194. Oh, no. I haven't brought mine, either.

1195. Really? What are you gonna do?

1196. Well, I'm gonna go in naked. You?

1197. Oh, right. Yeah, me too.

1198. Totally naked.

1199. Are they really going skinny-dipping?

1200. If I know Jane, probably, yeah.

1201. Really? Fucking hell, really?

1202. Yes.

1203. And... what about you?

1204. Well, I'm meeting Nicos in half an hour.

1205. 'Course.

1206. So I've got time for a quick dip.

1207. Obviously, Alison and me was never gonna happen,

1208. and yet... and yet...

1209. No, I had no fucking chance.

1210. Come on.

1211. What you doing? Get it off.

1212. No. Yeah. Good. I will.

1213. - Go on, then. - All in good time.

1214. I'll look away, if you like.

1215. Um, yeah, that would be nice. Thank you.

1216. OK, so I'm looking away now.

1217. And so, for only the second time today,

1218. Simon was tricked into getting naked.

1219. Further along the beach, for the first time ever,

1220. Jay was close to seeing some naked women

1221. not on a computer screen.

1222. Come on, Jay. Don't be shy.

1223. I'll take it all off, if you will.

1224. Alright. Just give me a minute.

1225. Are you scared you won't be able to control yourself?

1226. She's a big girl. She is a big girl. (LAUGHS)

1227. I can't take it anymore. Just give us a snog.

1228. Um, alright, but... let's go somewhere secret.

1229. Secret? Just give us a snog here.

1230. Nah. Let's go somewhere people can't see us, OK?

1231. Fucking whale on the beach! Go on, son.

1232. Actually, forget it.

1233. I've already seen your cock, and it wasn't pretty.

1234. All I'm saying is that, logically,

1235. we might not have to wait a year to have sex.

1236. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

1237. I mean, once you remove Nicos from the equation

1238. and think, as I say, logically,

1239. it really makes no sense to wait that long.

1240. Do you find that your logic talks a lot of girls into bed?

1241. Well, no.

1242. I was just curious to know

1243. whether this kind of relentless pedantic chat

1244. is a big hit with the other chicks.

1245. Well, obviously it isn't.

1246. Thought not.

1247. What are you waiting for?

1248. Um, I don't know.

1249. OK.

1250. Take your clothes off.

1251. That's it till next year, I'm afraid!

1252. I've lost my glasses. (SHOUTS) I've lost my glasses!

1253. - God, it's freezing in here. - Don't be such a wuss!

1254. - (GROANS) - (LAUGHS)

1255. That's right, let's get Simon's hair wet, shall we?

1256. It always looks wet anyway, gel boy.

1257. Right, how's this for a wet look, then?

1258. Oh, shit. Sorry.

1259. (SHOUTS) Carli!

1260. Carli, over here!

1261. Carli, over here!

1262. Carls! Carls!

1263. Come on, Will! It feels amazing.

1264. (SHOUTS) Just getting my glasses.

1265. You're not wussing out on me, are you?

1266. No, as soon as I'm not blind

1267. I'll be right over with you and the other naked ladies.

1268. Well, hurry up, or I'm getting out.

1269. Jesus Christ, come on. Where are they?

1270. What the fuck are you doing?

1271. I'm really sorry, I tripped. I've lost my glasses.

1272. You've got a big problem now, mister.

1273. - A big fucking problem here! - Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

1274. I didn't know you were down there, doing that.

1275. - (SPEAKS GREEK) - Help!

1276. I'm really sorry, mate. (SHOUTS) Help me!

1277. - Nicos? - Alison?

1278. What are you doing?

1279. How does she know your fucking name, Nicos?

1280. Donna, I need you to be quiet for five minutes, please.

1281. Who the fuck is that?

1282. Come and sit down with me. I want to talk...

1283. We're supposed to be meeting up in 15 minutes,

1284. you utter, utter scumbag.

1285. Glasses. Glasses?

1286. It's OK, it's OK.

1287. Ooh, there they are.

1288. Alison, I love you. I love you.

1289. You are the only girl for me.

1290. There no other girl in my life.

1291. Now, where have we heard that before?

1292. Just shut up, Will!

1293. Baby, you know this weirdo?

1294. I am not your fucking baby!

1295. Alison, wait!

1296. Simon, are you swimming naked?

1297. - Hell, yeah. - That's not like you.

1298. Well, I'm on holiday, so, who knows, maybe it's the new me.

1299. Oh, right.

1300. I like the old you.

1301. Hmm...

1302. OK. Well, I'm off to bed.

1303. - Can I come? - To bed?

1304. No, sure. I'm all wet, anyway, so...

1305. Look, I'm knackered, I've had a shitty night.

1306. I just want to be alone.

1307. But I'll see you at the boat party.

1308. We can catch up properly there, OK?

1309. Yeah, course.

1310. See you at the boat party.

1311. Great. See ya.

1312. - I miss you too. - Sorry?

1313. You said it the other night.

1314. Oh, yeah.

1315. Lucy? Lucy!

1316. Alison, wait. I'll come with you.

1317. I wanna be on my own.

1318. Um, you're not expecting me to hit him or anything, are you?

1319. - No! - Good.

1320. I don't expect anything from anyone but disappointment.

1321. You'll love me, then.

1322. And I will never have sex with anyone again

1323. for as long as I live, and certainly not with you.

1324. So just fuck off! All of you, just fuck off!

1325. Does this affect our deal?

1326. Fuck your deal!

1327. - (WILL GROANS) - (SPEAKS GREEK)

1328. Lucy?

1329. Oh, are you getting out?

1330. Yes.

1331. That was Carli. Did you see her?

1332. Yeah. It was dark, but I saw her.

1333. - Isn't she beautiful? - Yes, she's very beautiful.

1334. I'm going now.

1335. Oh, OK.

1336. - Alright? - I've been better.

1337. - What are you doing? - I'm thinking.

1338. - About how shit the holiday is? - Partly that.

1339. Partly I'm thinking about putting stones in my pockets

1340. and chucking myself in the pool.

1341. I wouldn't swim in that.

1342. - It's rank. - Right.

1343. Also, if you put stones in your pockets, you'll sink.

1344. So, better to not have the stones, really.

1345. I'll bear that in mind, Neil.

1346. I stopped believing in God

1347. when I realised it was just 'dog' backwards.

1348. What?

1349. Well, when you think about it -

1350. G-O-D, D-O-G.

1351. It's like an anagram, but a backwards one, innit?

1352. Right.

1353. And then after that, I just stopped worrying about stuff.

1354. You only get one go round. When you're dead, you're dead.

1355. You can spend your time thinking about

1356. how things haven't gone perfect,

1357. or you can get on with it, have a laugh.

1358. That's what I do. I'm pretty happy.

1359. - You are, aren't you? - Yeah.

1360. Thanks, Neil. Thanks for that.

1361. Just remember, it's D-O-G backwards.

1362. No, not that. No offence, but that's moronic.

1363. No, thanks for coming to cheer me up.

1364. Oh, I didn't come to cheer you up.

1365. I come to say I did a shit in the children's toilet.

1366. - I can't get rid of it. - Oh, God.

1367. I thought I'd try something different, as a treat.

1368. Neil, what the fuck has gone into that?

1369. - Have you been eating tear gas? - No, it's just a bit beery.

1370. (SNIFFS) And that meatiness is probably the kebabs.

1371. OK, that's it.

1372. Neil, you were right - it mightn't be paradise,

1373. but we can try and enjoy this place for what it is.

1374. - A shithole? - Yes, but it's our shithole.

1375. So, let's get out there and get royally fucked up

1376. on Jay's dead grandad's money.

1377. It's what he would have wanted.

1378. If we get fined 50 euros, Neil, you're paying it.

1379. - But it's not on the floor. Some of it is.

1380. Well, yeah, some of it.

1381. ♪ I know you're there

1382. Is this normal enough for you?

1383. Probably a bit too normal.

1384. I'm almost gonna miss him when I'm at uni.

1385. When he's at uni, you mean?

1386. - Yeah, but I'll be at uni too. - Will you?

1387. - What, this year? - In a few weeks.

1388. Oh, what, just 'cause Will's going?

1389. No, 'cause I want to.

1390. What about me?

1391. What?

1392. Well, what am I gonna do?

1393. Um... I dunno.

1394. I thought you knew I was going to uni.

1395. Yeah, 'course, no.

1396. But it's just that I was gonna use my grandad's money

1397. to set us up in business -

1398. selling car stereos to premiership footballers.

1399. Neil was gonna work in the depot,

1400. but me, you and Rio Ferdinand are on sales,

1401. having a laugh and that.

1402. Oh, right.

1403. Yeah, I'm gonna do sociology.

1404. Fuck.

1405. I'm sorry I ripped your tickets up now.

1406. Could've had a bit of a send-off.

1407. - What tickets? - Boat party ones.

1408. I bought them when I was pissed the other night.

1409. I thought I'd surprise you.

1410. Oh, well.

1411. You what? You tore them up?

1412. - Yeah. - What, after we had the fight?

1413. Yeah, I was angry 'cause you had a go and that.

1414. Yeah. No.

1415. Makes sense.

1416. You two go on.

1417. I'm just gonna have a little recovery snooze.

1418. (SIGHS) Come on, mate.

1419. You can have my bed tonight. This one's a bit bitey.

1420. Did I tell you I touched a boob tonight?

1421. Like... like a real boob. A girl's one.

1422. I didn't get to lick it, though.

1423. This has been the best night of my life.

1424. It was the day of the boat party

1425. and it looked like literally everyone in Malia had a ticket.

1426. Well, everyone except me and Simon,

1427. whose mood was now bluer than his balls.

1428. If I could, I'd give you my ticket, Si.

1429. You can. Just give me your ticket.

1430. Yeah, but I really wanna go, so, actually, I can't.

1431. - Take Jay's ticket. - No, I think he needs it.

1432. - What, 'cause of Jane? - No.

1433. In case the captain dies and they need me to drive the boat.

1434. Eased up on the vomiting. Mainly retching now.

1435. For the record, they don't clean that toilet floor very often.

1436. Pubes on hands, knees and face when I had a little lie-down.

1437. I cannot believe we've been eating here.

1438. - Whoa, they look hot! - Bit young for you, Neil?

1439. - Behave. - Lucy!

1440. Lucy!

1441. Alison?

1442. Alis... (GROANS) I give up.

1443. Alright, boys?

1444. - Who killed Will? - (GROANS)

1445. - What's up with Lucy?I don't know.

1446. Ask her, rather than talking about your ex the whole time.

1447. Oh, God. Really? (SIGHS)

1448. Fine.

1449. - You coming to the boat party? - You try and stop me.

1450. We saw two hot fellas dressed as firemen getting on board.

1451. Might need a hand with their hoses.

1452. Might have to set fire to my knickers.

1453. I'll come with you, if you like.

1454. No, thank you. Come on, Lisa.

1455. Well, you look as bad on the outside

1456. as I feel on the inside.

1457. Well, don't worry. I feel like shit on the inside too.

1458. Although... I don't have a pube on my cheek.

1459. - Oh, God. - (LAUGHS)

1460. Anyway, seeing you in such a mess has cheered me up a bit.

1461. Glad to be of service.

1462. You know I have a penis sunburned on my back too?

1463. It must be reassuring to know

1464. that however bad life gets, you're not me.

1465. - It is. - Good.

1466. Every time you're down, you'll have to hang out with me.

1467. Yeah, I think I might, starting with today.

1468. I've got Nicos's ticket for the boat party.

1469. - Do you fancy joining me? - Um, yes.

1470. - More than anything. - Great.

1471. - On one condition, though. - Anything.

1472. At no point are you allowed to say, "I told you so."

1473. Oooh. Not sure I can guarantee that.

1474. So, it's not that I'd rather go to a party

1475. that infinitely heightens my sense of being out of kilter

1476. with the rest of the world.

1477. Alison's the fittest girl I've ever met, and maybe...

1478. It's fine, Will, honestly. Go for it.

1479. I'll just find a quiet spot and hang myself.

1480. Great. Lucy, make sure he doesn't hang himself. I'm off.

1481. Look at me, following my cock like a normal person.

1482. Sorry for saying 'cock'.

1483. I didn't realise I was being such a dick.

1484. You were.

1485. I'm trying to say sorry.

1486. Well, say it, then.

1487. Sorry.

1488. For being a dick.

1489. Sorry for being a dick.

1490. And for having too much gel in your hair.

1491. I don't think I've got that much...

1492. OK. I'm sorry for having too much gel in my hair.

1493. You should probably get going.

1494. - I'm not that bothered. - Really?

1495. Yeah.

1496. If you like, maybe we could hang out, the two of us.

1497. I quite fancy just staying by the pool.

1498. Yeah, I mean, why spend the day

1499. having unbelievable fun on a party boat

1500. when you could be taking a depressed man

1501. swimming at a family hotel?

1502. I'm serious. I don't mind.

1503. I might even cheer you up... if they let you back in.

1504. I honestly don't think I'll be very good company,

1505. but thanks for the offer.

1506. You go. I'll be alright.

1507. Look, it's obvious how much Carli means to you.

1508. She's lucky... I think. I'm sure you'll sort it out.

1509. She goes back tomorrow. I can feel her slipping away.

1510. Simon, if she really means that much to you,

1511. I want you to take my ticket.

1512. Lucy.

1513. If you really want to go, take it.

1514. If you really want to go.

1515. God, you'd do that for me?

1516. Yeah.

1517. - Thanks! - (TENDER MUSIC STOPS)

1518. I'll see you later. Enjoy the pool.

1519. Will! Will! I got a ticket, I got a ticket!

1520. Will! I got a ticket, I got a ticket!

1521. ♪ We are go

1522. The boat party was Jay's promised land.

1523. Sun, sea, booze, and who knows?

1524. Maybe even some sex, minge, fanny and tits.

1525. And booze. And sex.

1526. - Mental! - Cheeky shot to get started?

1527. - You are kidding. - Come on, it's the best cure.

1528. Fair enough. What are we toasting?

1529. To the pussay!

1530. The pussay!

1531. - Neil? - Uh, to being play-ahs!

1532. Play-ahs!

1533. - Si? - To me and Carli!

1534. No, you're right, mate. Fuck off.

1535. Fine. Well, I'm going off to find her, anyway.

1536. - Oh, Si, I forgot something. - What?

1537. Oh! For fuck's sake!

1538. You know, I should probably find Jane.

1539. - I promised her a dance. - What?

1540. What? No, just a dance.

1541. And then we can get some proper fit gash.

1542. But Jane's alright, you know? She's a laugh.

1543. The fat ones are always jolly.

1544. Neil, what a horrible thing to say.

1545. Just you and me, then, Will.

1546. Oh, no. Oh, God. What was I thinking? Tequila?

1547. Shit. Sorry.

1548. Sorry.

1549. Make your bloody mind up, you wally!

1550. Richard! Alright, mate?

1551. - Alright. - How's it going?

1552. Not too bad. The other day, I started crying, couldn't stop.

1553. So, yeah, my mum and dad have flown over to take me home.

1554. Pretty cool.

1555. Yeah.

1556. - Come and say hello? - Alright.

1557. Dad. Mum.

1558. Hiya.

1559. Back off, bitch!

1560. Not this time.

1561. Jane? Jane.

1562. Oh, hello. Sure you want to be seen with me?

1563. Yeah, I do. I really do.

1564. Can we have that snog now?

1565. What? Now, here, right in front of everyone?

1566. Um, yeah.

1567. - Yeah. - Yeah?

1568. - I'm not that kind of girl. - Oh.

1569. So, I suggest we find somewhere a little more private.

1570. - I don't mind. - I told you, I do.

1571. And, to be fair, in private,

1572. you might get a blow job out of it.

1573. - Simee! - Oh, hi!

1574. 'Carlee'!

1575. Where have you been?

1576. I've been looking all over for you.

1577. - I need to tell you something. - Shhh.

1578. I know.

1579. Get it all up.

1580. A little easier on the sunburnt cock, please.

1581. - Sorry. - It's fine.

1582. I mean, what a total twat!

1583. - Me? - No.

1584. Nicos, the total and utter Greek twat.

1585. Did you see her? She was hideous.

1586. She must have been at least 30.

1587. I told you so.

1588. You arsehole. You had to say it, didn't you?

1589. Even in the fucking state you're in, you couldn't resist.

1590. Sorry, but at least I'm consistent.

1591. Yes, you are, aren't you?

1592. OK. So I think I'd like to revise my offer.

1593. How about instead of having sex with you in a year,

1594. I have sex with you all year?

1595. - What? - It's a one-time offer.

1596. To confirm, do you mean like a girlfriend or like a prostitute?

1597. I was thinking more like a girlfriend.

1598. - Could you write it...? - No!

1599. I am not gonna write it down.

1600. Look, what I'm trying to say is I like you.

1601. Despite myself, I really do like you.

1602. If you like me too, then we're on.

1603. But not till you've brushed your teeth.

1604. Oh!

1605. That should do it.

1606. You know, we could do this forever.

1607. Yeah, I know, yeah.

1608. Oh, God, Carls, I thought I'd lost you.

1609. I thought I'd lost you.

1610. No matter how often they hit me in the balls,

1611. I knew I was right, and I've worked it all out.

1612. I'll just get a job near your uni for three years,

1613. four if you do an M.A., and then we can be together forever.

1614. Forever, just like we should be.

1615. Carli, what's wrong?

1616. Did you hear what I said?

1617. Something about being hit in the balls?

1618. Well, yeah, but... mainly about being together forever.

1619. Sorry, Simon, could you just kiss me again?

1620. Sorry, Carls. This is wrong.

1621. What?

1622. I've made a bad choice today.

1623. I honestly wish you all the best with your life.

1624. But right now, I have to leave.

1625. I don't think you'll ever see me again.

1626. But I'll see you at your Mum's birthday in two weeks time.

1627. Well, yeah, but then after that.

1628. And then your brother's 16th the following week.

1629. Yeah, it was more of a metaphorical thing.

1630. Anyway, I'll see you around, Carls.

1631. Yes, at your Mum's.

1632. Please, can I just... Thank you.

1633. Below deck, Neil was being

1634. as faithful as ever to his girlfriend

1635. by aggressively dry-humping Lisa to within an inch of her life.

1636. Neil?

1637. Neil, stop.

1638. What's up? Is it my zip? I can undo it if you want.

1639. No, it's not that.

1640. I just think this is wrong.

1641. I feel bad for your girlfriend.

1642. No, it's fine. We aren't kissing.

1643. Yeah, but look at what we are doing.

1644. I mean, how do you think you'd feel

1645. if you saw her doing this with a guy?

1646. I wouldn't want to be treated like this.

1647. I've got ethics.

1648. Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's just that, um...

1649. .. Nicole dumped me before we got out here

1650. and I didn't say anything to the others

1651. because I was embarrassed.

1652. - Oh, Neil. - Yeah.

1653. She sent me this text saying, like,

1654. "You dance like a twat. You are dumped."

1655. It broke me up.

1656. So, this is fine, and if you want, we can even kiss.

1657. Oh, Neil. Is that true?

1658. - Really? - Yeah, course.

1659. If you like.

1660. That was just... I mean...

1661. Did it not taste funny? Because it looks funny.

1662. Alright, mate. Who's this, then?

1663. - Hi, I'm Jane. - She's my girlfriend.

1664. (LAUGHS) Oh, is she? Fucking hell.

1665. Be careful she doesn't fall overboard, 'cause she'll...

1666. I'll get harpooned? They might think I'm a new island?

1667. Because all the water will splash out onto the land?

1668. I've heard them all. Take your pick.

1669. Fucking hell, tubs. Alright, it was only a joke.

1670. Anyway, seeing as you're coming out of there

1671. like a naughty boy, how about you do me a favour?

1672. I need a note for the old toot.

1673. We weren't doing drugs, actually.

1674. Christ, for his sake, I hope you were.

1675. There are laws against fucking cow, mate, even in Greece.

1676. Now, I'm gonna need to take that note off you.

1677. Well, you're a mate. You don't mind, do you?

1678. Give.

1679. No, no, not at all.

1680. There you are, mate. Already rolled.

1681. Cheers. I'll keep this, yeah?

1682. No problemo.

1683. I think the government's anti-drugs campaign

1684. would be more successful

1685. if they pointed out that every now and again

1686. there was a small chance

1687. you might accidentally snort some poo.

1688. Simon, are you alright?

1689. Yeah. Yeah.

1690. For the first time in my life I think I actually am.

1691. - I'm clear, anyway. - How'd it go with Carli?

1692. Long term, good. Short term, horrific.

1693. - Have you murdered her? - No.

1694. But I'm starting to think maybe Carli's not all that.

1695. Well, it's taken a while. Better late than never.

1696. I think Lucy might be the one.

1697. Yes, obviously.

1698. Lucy's much nicer and actually likes you.

1699. I'm worried I've been a bit of a dick to her.

1700. Well, you've been more than a bit of a dick.

1701. You've been a massive dick to her.

1702. - She still likes you anyway. - Good.

1703. That's really good.

1704. Does he always strip when he's happy?

1705. Yeah, normally. Simon, you can't go up there.

1706. - There's a sign. - Ooh, sign.

1707. Alison, will you text Lucy? Tell her I'm coming to get her?

1708. Course I will. Brilliant.

1709. Alright?

1710. Yeah.

1711. What are you doing up there?

1712. I'm gonna swim back and tell Lucy how I feel.

1713. - How romantic! - It is, isn't it?

1714. Is it a bit far?

1715. Nah, bollocks. You can see the shore.

1716. I've swum further than that underwater.

1717. Do it - just swim there, show her what she means to you

1718. then kiss her.

1719. - On the fanny! - Jay!

1720. Sorry, darling.

1721. Right, fuck it. You only live once.

1722. (ALL CHANT) Jump, jump, jump!

1723. Jump, jump, jump! Jump, jump, jump!

1724. Jump, jump, jump! Jump, jump, jump!

1725. Jump, jump, jump! Jump, jump, jump!

1726. Jump, jump, jump! Jump, jump, jump!

1727. Jump, jump, jump! Jump, jump, jump!

1728. I think he might be drowning.

1729. Oh, Simon.

1730. Oh, I think I've shit myself.

1731. Lucy, it's normally bigger. It was cold.

1732. One of us should have gone to hospital with Simon.

1733. But, to be perfectly honest,

1734. we had more important things to do.

1735. ♪ Let's go!

1736. ♪ Going to the race track to try and get your money back