1. Greetings, Muggles.
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2. - Oh, my fucking God. He fell for it.
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3. I told you he would.
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4. It's not really fancy dress, you dick.
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5. Oh, what? No way!
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6. These are the jokers from my course
I was telling you about.
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7. You lot. Technically, I didn't fall for it
as there was no way I could have known.
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8. - Whoa. Where d'you think you're going?
- Into the party.
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9. You're dressed like Harry Potter.
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10. There's no way you're coming in here,
you fucking plum.
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11. You could have come as someone sexy.
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12. - Hermione's sexy.
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13. What a twat.
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14. Mental.
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15. Guys?
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16. Guys?
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17. Oh, piss off, Harry.
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18. Well, this is a disaster.
I've come down from Sheffield for this?
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19. It's OK. We'll still have a good weekend.
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20. There's a pub I love just down the road.
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21. I'm wearing a gym skirt.
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22. It's a student town. No one will care.
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23. - And no pants.
- Righto.
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24. Oi, Si. Nudgies.
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25. - What the fuck?
- Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.
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26. Fuck me. What a waste of a weekend.
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27. I thought you said they were
your best mates at uni.
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28. - Yeah.
- I'll find us some mates.
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29. I've got this amazing app called Grindr.
Made loads of new mates through it.
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30. - Oh, my gosh, you'll never guess what.
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31. - Someone's sent you a penis shot?
- Nah, I just got an email from Jay.
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32. - No way.
- Way. Listen to this.
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33. "Dear Neil, you fucking weapon..."
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34. As you know, I am on a mental gap year,
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35. in Australia.
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36. - Or outback...
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37. as they say over here.
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38. So I thought I'd email you,
not because I miss you lot
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39. but because this place is a million
out of ten and you'll be well jel.
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40. Life has never been better.
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41. It's much better than when I was going out
with Jane, who I now no longer think about.
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42. I'm living near a town called Sydney
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43. and working at the most mental club
in Australia called Revolutions.
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44. I am now their premier number one DJ...
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45. Good evening, ladies!
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46. going by the name of DJ Big Penis,
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47. which everyone agrees is the perfect name.
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48. I've made so much cashola,
which is Australian for money,
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49. that I've bought myself a fuck-off mansion
and filled it full of pussay.
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50. And like Will's mum's appetite for cock,
it's enormous.
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51. Before that, I was living
with Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin,
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52. although he is tragic
and obviously not as cool as my dad.
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53. - What's that?
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54. Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you
the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting,
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55. which is Australian for knobbing.
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56. - Yes!
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57. They're total filth and
fuck like kangaroos,
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58. all big teeth, bouncing and wet pouches.
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59. I make love to them with a technique
I like to call the one-pump orgasm.
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60. - They absolutely love it.
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61. Name an Aussie bird and I've fucked her.
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62. Elle Macpherson: check.
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63. Dame Edna Everage: check.
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64. Kylie and Dannii Minogue three-way?
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65. I'd done that ten minutes
after getting off the plane.
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66. And mates? I've made loads of cool
new mates who come round for dinner.
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67. But really it's all about the birds.
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68. Aussie sheilas just can't get enough
of Jay, especially the supermodels,
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69. who, by the way, love it up the shitter.
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70. I've been woken up by a blowjob from
a different girl every single morning.
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71. You can imagine what that's like,
waking up every morning to a blowie.
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72. They keep it so clean.
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73. I haven't had to wash my cock in weeks.
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74. Basically, everything's better
than when I was with Jane,
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75. who, as I mentioned, I
no longer think about.
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76. On the minus side,
I've had to punch out a few koala bears,
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77. normally when they drop out of the trees
and try to fight me.
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78. Mug! Have it!
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79. But other than that, it's been bonza,
which is Australian for fucking brilliant.
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80. Come and stay any time you like.
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81. I guarantee I'll get you sucked
drier than Simon's mum's fanny.
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82. Say hello to those other two dozy pricks
if you see them.
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83. Tell your bent dad he still can't bum me.
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84. And tell your fit sister
that I'd like to...
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85. - Oh, no, come on.
- What does it say?
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86. "I'd like to chew on those
massive juicy burger nipples of hers,
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87. reach my thumb round and..."
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88. Oh, no, it's too much.
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89. Oi, get off!
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90. Oi!
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91. - Oh, there's more. "Flip her over..."
- What a lovely email.
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92. "... spoodge down her face, over her back,
clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal..."
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93. This goes on a bit.
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94. Australia sounds a laugh.
Not like hanging out with you two.
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95. Wish I'd gone to Australia this weekend
instead of shitty Bristol.
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96. You know it's on the
other side of the world?
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97. - Doubt it.
- Excuse me, mate. You're on.
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98. Oh, at last, something decent.
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99. - Is this seat taken?
- Yeah, sorry, it is.
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100. - Have you got any friends at university?
- Of course I have, Simon.
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101. I'm just lucky that I've managed to not
get tied down to a clique or a group.
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102. - I'm free to hang out with anyone and everyone.
- Or no one.
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103. You changed universities
just to be with your girlfriend.
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104. I've got mates other than Lucy.
Pete, for one.
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105. - Who's Pete?
- Pete from my halls.
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106. I must have mentioned Pete. Pete.
Pete, my best mate.
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107. - My best mate at uni.
- Hm.
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108. I do spend a lot of time with Lucy.
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109. Although she has changed a bit
since we were on holiday.
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110. And, well, what's the word
when someone's not nicer?
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111. - Nastier?
- Yeah. I think that's it, maybe.
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112. - She's nastier.
- Right, out. You're barred.
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113. Barred? What?
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114. Why?
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115. That.
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116. So we're all on the same page,
that's me, Will McKenzie,
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117. seemingly Bristol University's
least popular undergraduate.
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118. And that's my friend Simon, who's got
university relationship problems of his own.
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119. Who's this fucking slut, Kirsty Scott?
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120. - Lucy, are you on my Facebook again?
- Goodbye, whore.
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121. Simon, swear on your hoodie
you're not going to cheat on me.
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122. What? Oh, no, please, Lucy,
that's my favourite.
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123. - Lucy.
- Sorry, Simon.
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124. But I just have to be sure.
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125. I just love you so much.
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126. I love you too, cuddles.
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127. And finally, there's Neil.
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128. At least he's made a new friend.
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129. Buster.
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130. I don't know what brand of shower gel
Neil uses,
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131. but I suspect it might be Pedigree Chum.
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132. And as we headed back to my room,
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133. if I'd assumed watching some low-level bestiality
would be the low point of my night, I was wrong.
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134. Oh, not again!
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135. - Is your room in space?
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136. - Thank you, arseholes!
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137. They've done a pretty good job, to be fair.
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138. I fucking hate it here.
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139. To be honest, I'm glad
I chose not to do uni.
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140. - More reality than a choice.
- Exactly.
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141. - Maybe we should go to Australia.
- And surprise the fuck out of Jay!
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142. - I was joking.
- Why?
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143. It's better than hanging round
old men's pubs and dressing up as magic.
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144. We get four weeks off for Easter.
I dread spending it with Lucy.
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145. - Can we afford it?
- Will, they invented student loans
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146. so students could go on holiday.
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147. And I got a sweet bonus this month.
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148. I'm the cleverest non-Asian
in the department.
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149. I have always wanted to go travelling.
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150. I think I'd be good at it,
do it properly, not like Jay.
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151. - How can you be good at it?
- He's staying in one place.
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152. I'd explore, meet people,
come back a better and more rounded person.
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153. He's getting sucked off every morning.
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154. Fuck it, I'm in.
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155. So, goodbye, shitty Bristol.
I was off to Australia.
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156. So, goodbye, shitty Bristol.
I was off to Australia.
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157. Now, petal, you know how much I worry.
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158. - So I've got you a special holiday gift.
- Oh, thanks, Mum.
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159. It's...
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160. a rape alarm.
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161. What do you think is gonna happen to me?
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162. - Petal, I think you might get raped.
- Right.
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163. Sweetie, it's better to have a rape alarm
and not need it
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164. than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men
you may have, however innocently, led on.
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165. - Ah, hello, everyone.
- Hello, Kevin.
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166. You sorry to see them leave?
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167. Actually, it's handy Neil's going away.
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168. Give me a chance to get some men in,
to decorate his bedroom.
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169. - Virgin Atlantic flight VS3O1...
- That's our flight.
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170. I am gonna miss you, petal.
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171. Oh...
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172. Yes, all right! Get off!
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173. Be very careful, little soldier, OK?
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174. - Your mum looks fit when she cries.
- Thank you.
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175. - I bet she looked amazing when your dad left.
- Brilliant.
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176. Off we went, running
away from our problems.
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177. All I knew about Australia
was that if it could bite you,
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178. sting you or eat you alive,
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179. then it probably lived there.
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180. But nothing had prepared us
for the beauty of Sydney Harbour.
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181. And Neil was particularly impressed.
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182. - What the fuck is that?
- What?
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183. - That fucking thing.
- The Sydney Opera House?
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184. No, that thing, the spaceship.
The spaceship, there.
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185. That's the sightseeing done.
We need to find this club.
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186. Hang on. Got a signal now.
Googlemappage to the rescue.
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187. It's this way.
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188. No way! That just cost me 20 quid.
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189. Data roaming charges
are pretty extortionate abroad.
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190. - Well, I'll just stand still, then.
- That's not really how it works.
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191. - Another 20 quid?
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192. I'm not roaming now, you
useless piece of shit!
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193. - Just switch it off, Neil.
- Agh!
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194. - Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now.
- Not sure that was strictly my fault.
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195. We left the harbour to find Jay,
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196. to see if he really was
getting sucked off every morning.
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197. Cannot wait to see DJ Big Penis
rocking da house.
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198. No, nor can I.
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199. Ever taken a backpack
or a suitcase to a nightclub?
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200. No, of course you haven't.
Because you're not a fucking idiot.
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201. Hey!
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202. We had nowhere to stay
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203. and, surprisingly, Big Penis wasn't
the club's premier number one DJ.
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204. I don't get it. He said he worked here.
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205. He also said he knocked out a koala
and fucked the Minogues.
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206. - Legend.
- He's not here.
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207. Have to spend the night in a hostel.
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208. Aren't hostels a bit pikey?
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209. Hostels are how everyone does it, Simon.
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210. Full of interesting people
who are travelling, like us.
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211. I don't know. We visited Uncle Paul
in a hostel when he had cancer.
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212. Wasn't very cool if I'm being honest.
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213. - It also wasn't a hostel.
- Fine.
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214. - If it's only one night, I suppose.
- Yeah.
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215. - Least there might be some sexy nurses.
- There won't be.
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216. Quick pizzle first?
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217. That's it, sir.
Wash your fingers for the mingers.
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218. No splash, no gash. No Armani, no punani.
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219. No Dolce & Gabbana, no sucky your banana.
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220. - Jay! Jay!
- Oh, fuck.
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221. - Jay?
- No, pal, the name's Bruce.
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222. What? Shut up, Jay.
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223. Sorry, I've never heard of this bloke Jay.
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224. Oh, it's clearly not him. Let's go.
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225. - So you're not Jay?
- It's Bruce, you fucking drongo.
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226. - But you've got Jay's face.
- Nah.
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227. And your sign says
"Jay's Pussay Juice - dollar a squirt."
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228. - Coincidence.
- What's happened to Jay? Is this a wind-up?
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229. Course it's a bloody wind-up!
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230. 100% merked.
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231. The looks on your faces.
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232. You prize bellends.
I can't believe you fell for that.
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233. - We didn't.
- It is you, Jay!
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234. Epic bants!
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235. All right, Neil, calm down.
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236. Good to see you, man.
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237. Just to clear one thing up, though.
You do work in a toilet, don't you?
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238. I can see going to uni
hasn't made you any less of a retard.
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239. Course I don't work in a fucking toilet.
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240. Why are you working in a toilet, then?
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241. It's a joke!
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242. Don't worry,
it probably went over your heads. Whoosh.
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243. I run this whole club.
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244. - I'm my own boss.
- Boss of a toilet.
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245. Well, drinks are on you, then.
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246. - What, now?
- Yeah, now.
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247. Yeah, great, perfect.
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248. Jay's story made complete sense.
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249. If I ran a nightclub, I'd definitely dress like
a snooker player and hang out in the toilets.
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250. I cannot wait to hear
the mad bants you've been having.
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251. Oh, mate, the bants in Australia
are legendary.
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252. Cos I've been delivering most of the bants.
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253. - I'm like Banta Claus.
- I've got bants.
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254. - Nudgies.
- You twat!
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255. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
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256. Oh, my God!
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257. Oh, what? You don't recognise me, do you?
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258. Katie?
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259. - Katie Evans from prep school?
- Maybe you do remember.
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260. I'll never forget that sleepover
we had at Lloydie's house.
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261. - I don't remember that.
- No, nor me.
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262. How amazing to see you.
What an incredibly small world.
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263. I don't know. Seems like every kid
from the Home Counties
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264. - is out here doing a gap year.
- Yeah, what a cliché.
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265. - So what are you up to?
- I'm doing a gap year.
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266. The standard. India once, India twice.
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267. Love, heartbreak, silent retreat.
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268. Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot.
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269. Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes.
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270. Indonesia, healers, reiki,
cafés, tears, revelations,
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271. amazing people, amazing conversations.
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272. Unforgettable
and life-changing experiences. You?
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273. I'm visiting my friend
who works in a toilet.
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274. You always made me laugh, you nutter.
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275. - What are you really doing?
- Travelling.
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276. - Out here for four weeks.
- Oh, so you're on holiday.
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277. No, travelling, I think.
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278. What have you been up to without me?
Must have been shit.
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279. - I've been at uni.
- That's bent.
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280. What about you?
Been getting your dick wet?
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281. - I went swimming.
- No, with fanny juice.
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282. Oh, right. Er, no, not really.
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283. I worked in the garage.
Now I'm working in the bank.
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284. - Oh, you know your cousin Michelle?
- Yeah.
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285. - I fingered her.
- Neil.
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286. Tell me you're not staying
in Sydney, are you?
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287. - It's so banker.
- No.
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288. I'm going to, erm...
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289. - Er, where is it you're going?
- Byron Bay. It is awesome.
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290. I've got a job there selling excursions, like
white-water rafting, zip lining, bungee.
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291. I was actually just flyering to raise
some cash for the bus tomorrow.
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292. Oh, well, it's been nice to see you.
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293. What? I haven't seen you in ages.
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294. - Why don't you come to Byron?
- You're inviting me?
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295. Of course I'm inviting you. Come to Byron.
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296. Look, you would love the vibe.
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297. It's so you. It's just totally chill.
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298. Really, I'd love to,
but I'll have to ask the others.
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299. I'll convince them.
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300. - Is that them over there?
- No, no.
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301. That's not them.
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302. Erm, but I'm sure my actual friends
will be up for it.
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303. Yay! Amazing!
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304. Right, well, I will see you tomorrow, then.
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305. - What?
- Nothing.
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306. - See you later... alligator.
- Love it.
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307. I'll see you on the bus tomorrow.
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308. - Who was that?
- Katie Evans from junior school.
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309. - Definitely my first love.
- That is well Jimmy Savile.
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310. - Just an old friend.
- That you wanna have sex with.
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311. She might wanna have sex with me.
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312. - She kissed me on the lips.
- Tongues?
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313. - No, but...
- No, that don't count.
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314. - My mum used to kiss me on the lips.
- When you were a child.
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315. Couldn't have done it any other time.
She ran off when he was ten.
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316. Girls don't kiss people on the lips
they don't fancy.
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317. She's one of those mouth-kissing girls.
I've met loads at uni.
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318. - Have you?
- I met one and then Lucy punched her.
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319. I'm not surprised Briefcase
has had a sniff.
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320. Australia is the sex capital of the world.
That's why I'm here.
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321. They call it down under cos that's where
your face spends most of the time.
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322. - Banter.
- I've spent plenty of time in the bush.
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323. - The bush around the pussays.
- Bants.
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324. Check these out. My new bants.
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325. Hashtag mad bants.
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326. - I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury.
- Bantom of the Opera.
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327. - I don't get it.
- Whoosh.
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328. Bant and Dec.
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329. - Someone needs tickets to the bantomime.
- Eric Bantona.
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330. Just saying "banter" or "bants"
over and over again
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331. is not a substitute
for actual amusing conversation.
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332. - Briefcase banter.
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333. Jay, what are you doing? Your shift
doesn't end for another four hours.
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334. - Good one, Lizzie.
- Get back to work.
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335. Yeah, I'll tell you what, you pretend
to be my boss. It'll be hilarious.
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336. Anyway, we'd better go.
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337. Take one step outside that door,
you're fucking sacked.
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338. You mean you're sacked. I just sacked you.
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339. - Don't play the prick. You can't sack me.
- Just did, mate.
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340. I'll see you later. I've gotta go home.
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341. Don't think we can't find another bottom
feeder to wipe piss off people's hands.
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342. Good one, Lizzie.
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343. I can't wait to see the mansion.
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344. - Can I have a room with a hot tub?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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345. So this is the mansion?
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346. A tent in your uncle's front garden?
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347. It's only temporary. My new fuck pad
is still under construction.
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348. In your mind.
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349. I can't believe I've travelled
literally halfway round the world
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350. to spend a month in a two-man tent.
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351. Jay?
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352. - Did you sweep that veranda this morning?
- Yes, Uncle Bryan.
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353. Who are these pale little bastards?
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354. - You butt-fucking boys in your tent?
- No, Uncle Bryan.
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355. These are my friends from England.
Simon and Neil.
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356. - And?
- And Will.
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357. Uncle Bryan, Cousin Shane.
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358. - How's Australia treating you fellas?
- Oh, what a place. So interesting...
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359. Greatest fucking country on Earth.
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360. I keep telling Jay that he should move
here, but he won't. Too much of a pussy,
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361. which is a shame, cos we could do with
some white immigration for a change.
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362. Right.
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363. Jay told us about the sheilas
he's been shagging.
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364. Has he? Well, that's bullshit.
Closest this little runt's come to some vag
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365. is when the dog
dripped period down his leg.
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366. - Don't pretend you didn't get a boner.
- Good one, Bry.
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367. - What's that?
- Nothing, Uncle Bryan.
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368. Hey, some nights for shits and giggles, me
and Shano shine a torch through the tent,
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369. we can see him sitting up, all silhouetted
like, bashing away on his little platypus.
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370. You understand when I say platypus
I mean cock?
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371. - Yeah.
- And guess what?
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372. He's gone and dug a hole in
the ground to fuck.
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373. I'm just kidding. It's a wormhole,
cos his dick's so small. Get it?
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374. But I'm not kidding about the hole,
he has got that, and a small dick,
Copy !req
375. which he fucks the hole in the ground with.
Copy !req
376. Right.
Copy !req
377. - We should put our stuff in the tent.
- Yeah, all right. I'll see youse later.
Copy !req
378. Hey, careful you don't
fall in the fuck hole.
Copy !req
379. - He's nice, isn't he?
- He's all right. He's just...
Copy !req
380. - Australian?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
381. It's pretty obvious we can't
stay in here for four weeks.
Copy !req
382. I propose we go travelling.
Copy !req
383. Oh, my gosh. Think of the bants!
Copy !req
384. If we're travelling,
there's only one place to go.
Copy !req
385. Ooh. Uluru?
Copy !req
386. The Great Barrier Reef? Fraser Island?
Copy !req
387. No, none of that boring shit.
Splash Planet.
Copy !req
388. - I'm sorry?
- Splash Planet.
Copy !req
389. The whole of Australia and you're
suggesting we visit a water park?
Copy !req
390. If you hadn't spent the last six months
at uni wanking off to Shakespeare,
Copy !req
391. you'd know that water parks
are the ultimate place to fuck girls.
Copy !req
392. Scientists have proved the water pressure on
their clitties gives them such a wide-on,
Copy !req
393. when they get off the rides,
they're gagging for it.
Copy !req
394. - No word of a lie.
- Some word of a lie.
Copy !req
395. Where did the scientists get their
funding from? The University of Sex?
Copy !req
396. - Oh, fuck off!
Copy !req
397. Fucking leave me alone! Can I not have
one fucking day without you abusing me?
Copy !req
398. - Is that your mum?
- No, Lucy. She's burnt my trainers.
Copy !req
399. You need to end it, Si.
Copy !req
400. I know. I know.
Copy !req
401. Get your dad to text her,
tell her you've died. That's what I do.
Copy !req
402. Right. I think at least I need to
tell her to her face.
Copy !req
403. My uncle's got Skype.
Go and dump the nightmare now.
Copy !req
404. That's unfair. You don't know her.
Though she is a fucking nightmare.
Copy !req
405. - I'll do it, Si.
- No, it's all right. I'm going.
Copy !req
406. - Wish me luck.
- Bad luck.
Copy !req
407. Close enough.
Copy !req
408. - Yo.
Copy !req
409. - Hey! Beer?
- No, thanks.
Copy !req
410. Is it OK to use the computer?
Copy !req
411. Yeah, course it is, mate.
Copy !req
412. Jay's always on there chubby chasing.
Copy !req
413. Hm.
Copy !req
414. OK, I've worked it out.
Copy !req
415. We wanna go travelling,
you wanna go to Splash Planet,
Copy !req
416. which means the best place
to stay is here, Byron Bay.
Copy !req
417. Oh, where mouth-kiss bird is?
Copy !req
418. It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet,
on the beach, there's loads of cool hostels
Copy !req
419. and it's easy to get jobs
should we need money.
Copy !req
420. I've always wanted to be a dolphin trainer.
Copy !req
421. - Have you?
- You should go to Splash Planet.
Copy !req
422. - You'll get that job there.
- You won't.
Copy !req
423. Look, we're English, right?
Copy !req
424. Just finishing school in England makes us
ten times cleverer than any Australian.
Copy !req
425. We're like doctors or rocket scientists
over here. You can get any job you want.
Copy !req
426. - Even dolphin trainer?
- Course.
Copy !req
427. Turn up, tell 'em your English.
Copy !req
428. I am 100% certain that is not
how you get a job as a dolphin trainer.
Copy !req
429. Who's been living in Australia
for months, eh? Me, that's who.
Copy !req
430. Yes, in a tent.
Copy !req
431. You calling your mummy
for a good night kiss?
Copy !req
432. Oh, no, I have...
I have to Skype my girlfriend.
Copy !req
433. You got a girlfriend?
Copy !req
434. Well done, mate.
Copy !req
435. Looking at you, no offence, I'm amazed.
Copy !req
436. - What's wrong with her?
- Erm, nothing.
Copy !req
437. I'll be the judge of that.
Give us a look at her.
Copy !req
438. Fuck me dead, she's gorgeous, mate.
Copy !req
439. - Oh, right. Yeah, I suppose so.
- Suppose?
Copy !req
440. Mate, if that was my sheila,
I wouldn't leave her side.
Copy !req
441. - You're getting married, right?
- Erm, no.
Copy !req
442. No? Fuck me, mate.
Copy !req
443. Look at that. Then look at you.
Copy !req
444. You could live to be a billion,
you'll never get a root better than that.
Copy !req
445. We sometimes argue a bit,
and we're quite young.
Copy !req
446. Cash your chips, mate.
Copy !req
447. That's the best you'll get ever.
Copy !req
448. At last. Where have you been?
Copy !req
449. - I haven't heard from you in days.
- I've been on a plane.
Copy !req
450. That was yesterday, you fucking moron.
Copy !req
451. Look, I think we need to talk.
Copy !req
452. I've checked your emails.
They're clean for now.
Copy !req
453. What's there to talk about?
Copy !req
454. - Look, I wanted to say...
- Will you marry me?
Copy !req
455. - What was that?
- No, no. What, what it was...
Copy !req
456. Simon.
Copy !req
457. - No, what it was was...
- Say it again.
Copy !req
458. What, will you marry me?
Copy !req
459. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
460. Oh, my God! I thought you'd never ask.
Copy !req
461. - No, wait a minute, Lucy...
- What? What?
Copy !req
462. Nothing.
Copy !req
463. I'm so happy.
Copy !req
464. Oh, my God. Where's my...
Copy !req
465. Where's my phone? I need to ring people.
Copy !req
466. Congratulations, mate.
Copy !req
467. - Where's my phone?
Copy !req
468. - Here he is.
Copy !req
469. - Well?
- I can't go back home now.
Copy !req
470. - She didn't take being dumped too well?
- Did not dump her. Have agreed to marry her.
Copy !req
471. Oh, well done.
Copy !req
472. You bellend!
Copy !req
473. Genuine question:
have I just fucked up my entire life?
Copy !req
474. Course not. Just cos you promise people
stuff doesn't mean you have to do it.
Copy !req
475. I once told Comic Relief I'd raise three
million quid by selling selfies of my cock.
Copy !req
476. - In the end, didn't bother.
- Right. I mean, I...
Copy !req
477. - Not sure how that helps my situation.
- Make something up.
Copy !req
478. The drive up to Byron's 12 hours.
We'll think of something.
Copy !req
479. Drive? I thought we were taking the bus.
Copy !req
480. Fuck that. I've got a car.
Bought it off Cousin Shane.
Copy !req
481. And considering it's an awesome
custom job, he done me a great deal.
Copy !req
482. Let's sleep on it. I'd like to get the bus
but I'm sure we can reach a compromise.
Copy !req
483. You're gonna keep talking
till we do what you want?
Copy !req
484. No.
Copy !req
485. Oh, I wouldn't sleep there, Simon.
Copy !req
486. So, compromise reached,
Copy !req
487. the next day we did what I wanted
and headed to the bus station,
Copy !req
488. which was full of other cool people
travelling to Byron Bay.
Copy !req
489. The Darién Gap is really all that's
left of untouched jungle in the world.
Copy !req
490. - Yeah.
- I'm going to do South America.
Copy !req
491. - I might try it.
- Yeah, you don't really try it.
Copy !req
492. It's a five-day trek
and you only sleep in hammocks.
Copy !req
493. Man, I got the shits so bad,
Copy !req
494. they used up the whole group's
medical supplies treating me.
Copy !req
495. It's so dangerous,
most guides won't even take you.
Copy !req
496. - Yeah, I found that.
- Shame.
Copy !req
497. So I walked it by myself,
unaccompanied, Panama to Colombia.
Copy !req
498. Unaccompanied? I...
Copy !req
499. - I thought that was illegal.
- It is, yeah,
Copy !req
500. but it's better that way,
because you meet the real locals
Copy !req
501. and there's none of that luxury bullshit
like hammocks and medical supplies.
Copy !req
502. So if you do get the shits,
or malaria, like I did,
Copy !req
503. then you just get on with it,
do you know what I mean?
Copy !req
504. Wow. What an experience.
Copy !req
505. Sounds incredible. Amazing stuff.
Copy !req
506. I'm Will, by the way.
Copy !req
507. You know, I used to have long hair too.
Not dreads, but erm... pretty long.
Copy !req
508. Yep. Had it all cut
just before we came out travelling.
Copy !req
509. Well, that's an interesting story.
Copy !req
510. - Will, you made it.
Copy !req
511. Byron, here we come.
Copy !req
512. So you've met the rest of the gang?
Copy !req
513. We were chatting about South America,
my experiments with hair styles and shit.
Copy !req
514. Classic travelling shit.
Copy !req
515. I got you that McFlurry.
Jay says get a fucking move on.
Copy !req
516. - Oh, so are you guys travelling too?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
517. Yeah. It's my second
foreign holiday in a year.
Copy !req
518. - First we all went Malia.
- We went ironically.
Copy !req
519. It was brilliant.
They had jet skis you could rent.
Copy !req
520. Wow. Do tell us more.
Copy !req
521. They're like motorbikes
without wheels but on water.
Copy !req
522. Good one!
Copy !req
523. - I'm Neil Sutherland as it goes.
- Ben.
Copy !req
524. - Is that your whole name?
- No.
Copy !req
525. - Oh.
- Does it matter? It's Ben Thornton-Wilde.
Copy !req
526. - Which one?
- What?
Copy !req
527. - Thornton or Wilde?
- It's double-barrelled.
Copy !req
528. Choose one
depending on how you're feeling?
Copy !req
529. No, no, those...
those are both my last name.
Copy !req
530. What? Shut up.
Copy !req
531. That is mental.
Copy !req
532. Will, Ben here has got two last names, but it's
actually just one name. Have you heard of that?
Copy !req
533. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that.
Copy !req
534. Koala Coaches departure to Byron Bay...
Copy !req
535. Finally.
Copy !req
536. Departing now at stand 14.
Copy !req
537. - Are you coming, then?
- Me? Oh, no.
Copy !req
538. - I thought you were coming north with me.
- I am, just not on the bus.
Copy !req
539. My friends wanted to travel by car, so...
Copy !req
540. So you've been waiting at a bus station
for ages in your backpack
Copy !req
541. even though you're going by car?
Copy !req
542. - That's a bit weird, isn't it?
- Yeah. See you in Byron.
Copy !req
543. So off we went. We didn't know exactly
how to get to Byron Bay.
Copy !req
544. So we just followed the
bus that Katie was on,
Copy !req
545. perhaps a little too closely.
Copy !req
546. She looks well freaked out.
Copy !req
547. - Might it have anything to do with the car?
- Doubt it.
Copy !req
548. - A few questions about the car...
- Fire away.
Copy !req
549. just why did you buy it?
Copy !req
550. I needed a cool set of wheels
and Shano did me a deal.
Copy !req
551. is Shano a big Peter Andre fan?
Copy !req
552. Shano's not stupid.
The birds love Peter Andre.
Copy !req
553. Not sure anyone loves anything
enough to have sex with Shano.
Copy !req
554. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
555. He got so much anal in here,
I had to hose down the footwell.
Copy !req
556. This is the classic Aussie Shaggin' Wagon.
Copy !req
557. - Is it?
- It's the fuck truck.
Copy !req
558. - The mobile virgin conversion unit.
- We should use it on Will.
Copy !req
559. Brilliant.
Copy !req
560. I can't wait to get a job training dolphins,
even though it's bad how they're treated.
Copy !req
561. Did you know, all they
feed 'em is raw fish?
Copy !req
562. Oh, that is grim.
Copy !req
563. I'd puke if all I ate was fish.
That is bang out of order.
Copy !req
564. - Imagine it, just raw fish.
- Their diet is fish.
Copy !req
565. - Yeah, cos that's all they're given.
- But also because that's what they eat.
Copy !req
566. It's so cruel, you know.
Copy !req
567. No burgers, no KFC, no Nando's on
birthdays, nothing. How would you like it?
Copy !req
568. Well, if all I ate was fish,
I probably wouldn't mind it.
Copy !req
569. All right, yes or no,
how would you like to just eat raw fish?
Copy !req
570. Well, if I was a dolphin...
Copy !req
571. - Yes or no?
- You can't compare...
Copy !req
572. - Yes or no?
- They're marine biologists.
Copy !req
573. - Yes or no?
- It's not as simple as...
Copy !req
574. Only raw fish, yes or no?
Copy !req
575. - No!
- Correct.
Copy !req
576. "Bryan Bay", next left.
Copy !req
577. Finally, we made it to Byron Bay,
and I'd never seen anywhere like it.
Copy !req
578. It was buzzing with life,
Copy !req
579. or in Jay's opinion,
absolutely rammed full of bellends.
Copy !req
580. But if there was one place where a car
featuring Peter Andre and a pair of tits
Copy !req
581. wouldn't raise an eyebrow,
Copy !req
582. it was the Arts Factory Lodge hostel.
Copy !req
583. OK, Jay. Please park the car
where no-one can see it.
Copy !req
584. No.
Copy !req
585. Oh, Ben. Ben, mate!
Copy !req
586. - Man. I meant "man".
- Hey, guys. How's the holiday?
Copy !req
587. What's on the tourist
itinerary for tomorrow?
Copy !req
588. Ha! That's funny. You
know we're not tourists.
Copy !req
589. - Splash Planet.
- I'm gonna work with dolphins.
Copy !req
590. - Start at the bottom, work my way up.
- Like father, like son.
Copy !req
591. His dad's bent.
Copy !req
592. I'll begin with the easy stuff,
cleaning out their cages and that.
Copy !req
593. So participating in
the enslavement of animals. Wow.
Copy !req
594. - Have you heard of ethically travelling?
- Is that with Ryan Gosling?
Copy !req
595. OK, er... we'll see you around.
Copy !req
596. Yeah, great.
Copy !req
597. - When?
- What?
Copy !req
598. Oh, I just wondered
when you'd see us around.
Copy !req
599. Is there a good time?
Copy !req
600. - It's a figure of speech.
- Cool. Catch you later, mate.
Copy !req
601. Mate? Man. Man.
Copy !req
602. He's all right, isn't he?
Copy !req
603. No, not really.
Copy !req
604. The hostel was laid-back, cool
and the kind of place where anything goes.
Copy !req
605. Anything except, it seemed, deodorant.
Copy !req
606. Smells a bit in here.
Copy !req
607. Shotgun.
Copy !req
608. Unlucky. Top-bunk wankers.
Copy !req
609. Oh, fuck off, Neil. I want some hottie
above me, not your rotting arsehole.
Copy !req
610. I just wanna be near you.
Copy !req
611. I've been thinking.
Do we really need to go to Splash Planet?
Copy !req
612. Yes. Yes, we do.
Copy !req
613. But it's so tacky and
gaudy and full of idiots.
Copy !req
614. - It's my lifetime's ambition.
- You first mentioned it yesterday.
Copy !req
615. - Don't kill my dreams, Will.
- Oh! Hello, nutter.
Copy !req
616. You made it.
Copy !req
617. So, er, what are you up to tomorrow?
Any plans?
Copy !req
618. We thought we might travel
somewhere ethical, an Aboriginal... cave.
Copy !req
619. Ah, that's a shame.
I'm going to Splash Planet.
Copy !req
620. It looks brilliant.
Copy !req
621. It does, doesn't it?
Copy !req
622. - You just said it was tacky.
- What? Shut up.
Copy !req
623. You said it was full of idiots.
Are you an idiot, Katie?
Copy !req
624. They're being funny.
Stop being so funny, you guys.
Copy !req
625. Well, I must be an idiot, then,
because I think it looks amazing.
Copy !req
626. I can get you tickets if you like.
Copy !req
627. Really? Fantastic.
Copy !req
628. - Four, please.
- Cool. Done.
Copy !req
629. Right, I'm gonna go and sit by the fire.
Fancy coming?
Copy !req
630. Yeah. I just need to Skype home first.
My mother worries.
Copy !req
631. Crazy. Right, well, I'll
see you in a bit, then.
Copy !req
632. - You all right?
- Wait, I'm thinking.
Copy !req
633. - About what?
- Wait.
Copy !req
634. What is it?
Copy !req
635. Has anyone ever said anything less cool
to a girl than "My mother worries"?
Copy !req
636. - "Bye."
Copy !req
637. Splash Planet wasn't one of
the great Australian tourist attractions
Copy !req
638. but it did have one sight I wanted to see.
Copy !req
639. Katie in a bikini.
Copy !req
640. First, I just had to Skype
the other woman in my life.
Copy !req
641. - Really?
- I haven't seen your mum for six months.
Copy !req
642. I need to refresh the
image in the wank bank.
Copy !req
643. Surely watching Simon dump Lucy
has to be more fun than this.
Copy !req
644. Nothing's more fun than your mum.
Copy !req
645. Hello, darling. I can't see you.
Copy !req
646. Yeah, you've not got your video on,
same as every time.
Copy !req
647. - Where's the button?
- Where it always is.
Copy !req
648. Where I have to point you
every single time we Skype.
Copy !req
649. Then move the camera down, remember?
Copy !req
650. - What camera?
- Come on. We've done this.
Copy !req
651. The camera. It's on top of the laptop.
Copy !req
652. - Just tip the lid forward.
- How's that?
Copy !req
653. - Move it up!
- Perfect.
Copy !req
654. Oh, is that Neil?
Copy !req
655. - Can you both just fuck off?
- Don't be rude to your friends.
Copy !req
656. - He gets grump grumps when he gets tired.
- Just move the camera back.
Copy !req
657. Finally.
Copy !req
658. Look, I just wanted to check in,
tell you I've met some great new people...
Copy !req
659. Oh, is... is Grandma staying over?
Copy !req
660. No. Why would you say that?
Copy !req
661. You've got two bowls and two mugs out
for breakfast.
Copy !req
662. Oh, yes, so I have.
Copy !req
663. So who's staying over?
Copy !req
664. Your grandma.
Copy !req
665. You just said she wasn't.
Copy !req
666. Did I?
Copy !req
667. Think it must be the connection, darling.
Copy !req
668. Yeah, terrible connection.
You're breaking up.
Copy !req
669. I love you. Speak soon.
Copy !req
670. She's getting fucked, I reckon.
Copy !req
671. Meanwhile, it was second time lucky
for Simon.
Copy !req
672. The only way this Skype with Lucy
could go worse than the first
Copy !req
673. was if he somehow got her pregnant.
Copy !req
674. Hello, baby boo.
Copy !req
675. I love you.
Copy !req
676. - Lucy?
- Come on.
Copy !req
677. - Now you say it.
- No.
Copy !req
678. Look, there's something
I need to do right now.
Copy !req
679. - Put it away. There are elderly people present.
- What the fuck?
Copy !req
680. Popped round to see our
new daughter-in-law.
Copy !req
681. Simon, we're so delighted for you.
Copy !req
682. You'll have to start planning
as soon as you get back.
Copy !req
683. - Thanks for stating the fucking obvious.
- Oi, this is a happy occasion.
Copy !req
684. It's OK. It's an emotional time.
Copy !req
685. Come on, Pam,
let's leave these love birds to it.
Copy !req
686. Don't you two get carried away.
Copy !req
687. Me and Mum have seen plenty of videos that
start like this on the internet. Plenty.
Copy !req
688. Alan, please.
Copy !req
689. They're so nice.
Copy !req
690. They're fucking idiots.
Copy !req
691. We've all agreed on a date, so that's good.
Copy !req
692. - You've set a date?
- And I've got all my bridesmaids sorted.
Copy !req
693. I just hope Jane will
come back from Australia.
Copy !req
694. No, Lucy, I'm in Australia,
not Jane, remember?
Copy !req
695. I'm not fucking senile, Simon.
Copy !req
696. I know you're there. She's there too.
Copy !req
697. - Why didn't you mention it?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
698. I forgot I'm meant to give you
minute-by-minute updates
Copy !req
699. on my friends' movements.
Copy !req
700. OK, so Suzanne is moving in with Steve
because she's missed her period.
Copy !req
701. And Louise is back in Coventry
because she's self-harming again.
Copy !req
702. Is that enough detail?
Copy !req
703. Yes, that's great, thank you.
Copy !req
704. The vibe at the hostel was incredible
and it was clear we weren't at home any more.
Copy !req
705. Things were different,
Copy !req
706. and it was nice to see that Simon,
Neil and especially Jay
Copy !req
707. were embracing this new environment.
Copy !req
708. Oh, no! Why is there always
some cunt with a guitar?
Copy !req
709. If anyone starts playing
the bongos, I'm leaving.
Copy !req
710. If the bongos start, I'm
burning the place down.
Copy !req
711. Open your minds, guys.
We're backpacking now.
Copy !req
712. - Get into the backpacking vibe.
- Vibe?
Copy !req
713. We're by a fire listening
to some posh prick play guitar.
Copy !req
714. - How much more backpacking can it get?
- Please don't ruin this for me.
Copy !req
715. Katie.
Copy !req
716. - Nudgies.
Copy !req
717. - Enjoy the trip?
- Are you OK?
Copy !req
718. Yep. Yep. Totally fine. Good one, man.
Copy !req
719. - Looks like you've got front-row seats.
- Mm, yeah. Lucky me.
Copy !req
720. At least you're here to
cheer me up, though. Hi.
Copy !req
721. Katie, can I play you a song?
Copy !req
722. No, I'm good, thanks.
Copy !req
723. God, that guy can be such a dick.
Copy !req
724. - Really?
- Yeah. Look at him.
Copy !req
725. He always has to be the
centre of attention.
Copy !req
726. How can anyone wear that many friendship
bracelets? No-one has that many friends.
Copy !req
727. How is giving a stinking piece of string
a show of friendship?
Copy !req
728. I know, right?
I mean, I only wear, what, like seven.
Copy !req
729. Actually, I made one for you.
Copy !req
730. - D'you want it?
- Yeah, great. I love these.
Copy !req
731. OK, Katie, this is your last chance.
What can I play for you?
Copy !req
732. How about The Sound Of Silence?
Copy !req
733. What the fuck?
Copy !req
734. Oh, Jay, you know Jane's
in Australia, right?
Copy !req
735. - What? Who?
- The fat bird that dumped you.
Copy !req
736. She did not fucking dump me, Neil.
Copy !req
737. - But you cried.
- Tears of joy probably.
Copy !req
738. Well, Lucy told me Jane's
here in Australia.
Copy !req
739. So? Like I give a shit.
Copy !req
740. - Weird, though. Amazing coincidence.
- Maybe she's come to get you back.
Copy !req
741. She should be so lucky.
You know the first rule of Banter Brigade.
Copy !req
742. - You're only allowed one fatty?
- Ha!
Copy !req
743. No, that...
that is a very funny joke, though, but no.
Copy !req
744. What is it again? I know it, but
I've just forgotten for a minute.
Copy !req
745. - All the Fs...
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
746. Find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em.
Copy !req
747. No, Neil. All the Fs.
Copy !req
748. Find 'em, Frenchy 'em, get 'em frothy,
Copy !req
749. finger 'em, frig 'em,
Copy !req
750. film 'em, flange 'em, flick 'em,
Copy !req
751. fanny fart 'em, fuck 'em, frot 'em,
Copy !req
752. fist 'em, felch 'em, finish with 'em
and then finally forget about 'em.
Copy !req
753. Just like what I done with Jane,
or whatever her name was.
Copy !req
754. Sorry, I switched off after "frig".
Copy !req
755. You aren't bothered
about Jane being here?
Copy !req
756. No.
Copy !req
757. Did you know that laughter
is intensely spiritual?
Copy !req
758. So that means that you're very spiritual.
Copy !req
759. - Would you say you're spiritual?
- Erm...
Copy !req
760. It's quite a vague way
to describe a whole person.
Copy !req
761. Could you just narrow it down at all?
Copy !req
762. Mm.
Copy !req
763. So, what I'm saying, right,
is that I think you're spiritual.
Copy !req
764. - Yep, and I'm saying that's great...
- Mm.
Copy !req
765. really great, but what do you mean?
Don't wanna sign up for something I'm not.
Copy !req
766. Oh... OK.
Copy !req
767. Actually, I've had a think about it
and I am spiritual.
Copy !req
768. I knew it!
Do you wanna get drunk?
Copy !req
769. - On goon? Yes, please.
Copy !req
770. Did you really not know
Jane was in Australia?
Copy !req
771. Don't talk bollocks, Si.
Copy !req
772. If I'd have known that,
why would I have come here?
Copy !req
773. Because you wanna get her back?
Because you miss her?
Copy !req
774. - Is your lip all right?
- Yep.
Copy !req
775. She's at the water park, isn't she?
That's why you wanna go.
Copy !req
776. I made a mistake, all right?
Copy !req
777. I made a mistake
and I'm trying to make it better.
Copy !req
778. - Why didn't you see her before?
- I was building up to it.
Copy !req
779. And now you're here, I'm gonna do it.
Copy !req
780. So just don't fucking tell anyone.
Copy !req
781. - Tell anyone what?
- About your dad's world record.
Copy !req
782. - My dad's got a world record?
- Yeah. Most dogs' cocks in one mouth.
Copy !req
783. Hey, hey, hey! It's the dudes.
Copy !req
784. How are we, dudes?
Copy !req
785. Am I right in thinking my young friends
might be up for a little?
Copy !req
786. Darts?
I don't think they've got a board.
Copy !req
787. You guys are so funny.
Copy !req
788. No. Anyone mind if I skin up? As if.
Copy !req
789. See, Stephen?
Copy !req
790. Nobody fucking minds!
Copy !req
791. That's right, run away from our problems
like you always do.
Copy !req
792. - Mm.
Copy !req
793. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
794. Oh, fucking leave me alone.
Copy !req
795. Oh, God, do I really have
to marry that lunatic?
Copy !req
796. Well, I asked her, so, yes, I have.
Copy !req
797. God, how has this happened?
Copy !req
798. Marriage woes, yeah?
Copy !req
799. Dr Doobs prescribes
a toke of Jesper's finest.
Copy !req
800. A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
Copy !req
801. Um... all right, cheers.
Copy !req
802. - Si.
- What? I'm a fucking mess.
Copy !req
803. She's cutting up all my hoodies.
Copy !req
804. Oh, God.
Copy !req
805. Ah... Yes.
Copy !req
806. Ooh.
Copy !req
807. Fucking hell, mate,
you are the full package.
Copy !req
808. You're funny and spiritual.
Copy !req
809. I can't believe you're single.
Copy !req
810. It is hard to believe, but I am single.
Copy !req
811. I never know when you're joking
and when you're not.
Copy !req
812. But, let me tell you, if you could play
guitar, I would jump you right now.
Copy !req
813. But, let me tell you, if you could play
guitar, I would jump you right now.
Copy !req
814. Actually, I can play guitar.
Copy !req
815. Fuck off!
Copy !req
816. I've had a lot of time on my own at uni
to practise.
Copy !req
817. Fucking knockout!
Go on, then, mate. Give us a song.
Copy !req
818. OK.
Copy !req
819. Hey, Ben, man, can I have a go, man?
Copy !req
820. Wow. Erm...
Copy !req
821. Well, you don't really
have a go with a guitar.
Copy !req
822. It's... Not in front of
this many people, you know.
Copy !req
823. I just wanna play a song for
a friend, for... for Katie.
Copy !req
824. - Sure you've got this?
- Yeah, I think so.
Copy !req
825. - It's quite a lot of people...
- I can handle it.
Copy !req
826. - OK, well, just go for it, man.
- I'm trying to.
Copy !req
827. Just take the guitar.
Copy !req
828. Remove your hand from the
neck of the guitar, then.
Copy !req
829. Thank you. Thanks, man.
Copy !req
830. This is a... slight
change of mood but erm...
Copy !req
831. Yeah, hope you like it.
Copy !req
832. What is he doing?
Copy !req
833. It's weird. I don't like it.
Copy !req
834. I'm trying to stop watching, but I can't.
Copy !req
835. Right, well, I'm going to bed.
Copy !req
836. Neil, you coming?
Copy !req
837. No, I might wait a bit.
Copy !req
838. Your face.
Copy !req
839. Oh. This is very nice.
Copy !req
840. Is it a little bit public?
Copy !req
841. No-one cares.
Copy !req
842. Ooh. Hello. I sort of care.
Copy !req
843. Erm, should we be doing this here?
Copy !req
844. This is what travelling's about.
Now, get in bed.
Copy !req
845. I'm on the top bunk.
Copy !req
846. Look, you just lie there and I'll ride you.
Copy !req
847. Oh, what is this?
Copy !req
848. That's very hard.
Copy !req
849. Sorry. Let me get that out of the way.
Copy !req
850. This is someone else's bed.
Let's get on my bunk. It's just up there.
Copy !req
851. You're so sexy.
Copy !req
852. Um, Katie, this is great,
but you're very drunk.
Copy !req
853. Why don't we get a hotel for tomorrow?
My treat.
Copy !req
854. - Anything. You're gorgeous.
- Ssh.
Copy !req
855. Nah.
Copy !req
856. What? You're no fun!
Copy !req
857. I am. I am fun.
Copy !req
858. It's just... here?
Copy !req
859. Come on, let's have fun here.
Copy !req
860. Mm, yeah, do it like that.
Copy !req
861. That's nice.
Copy !req
862. Mm, yeah.
Copy !req
863. Your friend is asleep on my bed.
Copy !req
864. Ah... Now, this is not what it looks like.
Copy !req
865. You piece of shit!
Copy !req
866. After I'd explained to everyone
that it was my rape alarm,
Copy !req
867. and once they'd stopped laughing,
we got some sleep.
Copy !req
868. The next morning,
Simon was the first person in history
Copy !req
869. to get the munchies
ten hours after smoking a joint.
Copy !req
870. - You two not having breakfast?
- No.
Copy !req
871. I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
Gets worse when I get stressed.
Copy !req
872. I'm finding travelling stressful.
Copy !req
873. You should have seen me sweating
in the toilet block.
Copy !req
874. It's not even runny. It's just like
massive ones firing 'emselves out.
Copy !req
875. This foreign muck I'm eating don't help.
Copy !req
876. - You've only eaten McDonald's.
- Yeah, Australian McDonald's.
Copy !req
877. - Good morning.
- Here he is, the singing sex pest.
Copy !req
878. Say what you like. The song worked.
Copy !req
879. - Someone had a good night.
- Yes.
Copy !req
880. After the unpleasantness with Agnetha
was sorted out.
Copy !req
881. After the unpleasantness with Agnetha
was sorted out.
Copy !req
882. I think we have to call
last night a success.
Copy !req
883. A beautiful girl wants to have sex with me.
Oh, and there she is.
Copy !req
884. Yoo-hoo! Katie!
Copy !req
885. Katie! Katie!
Copy !req
886. Fucking hell, mate.
There's no need to shout.
Copy !req
887. Goon hangovers are the worst.
Copy !req
888. Look, it's all right, mate. I can walk.
Copy !req
889. God, I was so pissed last night.
Copy !req
890. You were a little. You passed out.
Copy !req
891. - I remember, like, an alarm or something?
- Yeah, don't worry about that.
Copy !req
892. Apart from that I literally cannot
remember a single thing that happened.
Copy !req
893. It goes straight from sitting
round the fire to puking this morning.
Copy !req
894. Oh.
Copy !req
895. Oh, my God. Did we?
Copy !req
896. Well, sort of.
Copy !req
897. - We fucked?
- No.
Copy !req
898. - Did we kiss?
- Yes.
Copy !req
899. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
900. That is so funny.
Copy !req
901. - Isn't that funny?
- A bit.
Copy !req
902. God, I'm so bad when I'm drunk.
Copy !req
903. - Bad?
- Oh, no, no, not in that way.
Copy !req
904. Not that you're not, like...
Copy !req
905. Oh, my God, I'm digging myself a hole here.
Change the subject, Katie.
Copy !req
906. I'm gonna go and get some breakfast and I'll,
er, I'll catch up with you in a bit, OK?
Copy !req
907. I've got to work out what adventures
people are on today.
Copy !req
908. Got the money for those
Splash Planet tickets?
Copy !req
909. Yes, of course. Erm, how
much do we owe you?
Copy !req
910. 400 bucks.
Copy !req
911. 400? I thought it was $75 a ticket.
Copy !req
912. It is, but there's this
premium when I get them.
Copy !req
913. - It's just a thing.
- Oh, OK. Cool.
Copy !req
914. Hm. Looks like I'll have to get out
my mum's emergency stash.
Copy !req
915. Oh. All right, kinky.
Copy !req
916. Ha. No, no, it's not that.
Copy !req
917. She gave me a bit extra for emergencies
as a precautionary thing.
Copy !req
918. Well, cheers, mate.
I'll see you at the water park.
Copy !req
919. - So I've sorted out the...
- Wait. I'm thinking.
Copy !req
920. To be fair, Splash Planet looked amazing.
Copy !req
921. And even though Jay insisted that 80%
of the water was made up of vaginal fluid,
Copy !req
922. we still couldn't wait
to try out the rides,
Copy !req
923. or, better still, work there.
Copy !req
924. I'm looking for a job as a dolphin trainer.
Copy !req
925. Are you a qualified marine biologist?
Copy !req
926. No, but I'm English.
Copy !req
927. OK. We don't have any jobs.
Copy !req
928. But you can swim with them for 75 bucks.
Copy !req
929. Oh, cool, like work experience?
Copy !req
930. - No.
- All right, I'm in.
Copy !req
931. - Did you get the job, then?
- No.
Copy !req
932. - That's well racist.
- I'm gonna swim with one, though.
Copy !req
933. And I'm gonna give it the time of its life.
Copy !req
934. Is it just me or did it sound like
he's gonna wank off a dolphin?
Copy !req
935. That is what it sounded like.
Copy !req
936. We split up and I went to find Katie.
Copy !req
937. Last night she said I was sexy.
So, today, I just had to seal the deal,
Copy !req
938. by laughing at anything she said or did.
Copy !req
939. Got ya.
Copy !req
940. Yes. Yes, you did. What
a good joke that is.
Copy !req
941. - Always funny.
- Hi.
Copy !req
942. Let's get on these rides, then.
It's the best hangover cure ever!
Copy !req
943. Yes. Erm...
Copy !req
944. I've heard the water pressure
on some of these slides is quite... high.
Copy !req
945. Oh, look out. Hypocrite alert.
Copy !req
946. Ben, you came! Cool. Hi.
Copy !req
947. Hi. Yeah, I wanted to see
what the tourists saw in the place.
Copy !req
948. I'm not a tourist, man.
I've got a backpack, for one.
Copy !req
949. In Bolivia, they say,
"If you put a shell on a donkey,
Copy !req
950. does that make him a crab?"
Copy !req
951. - Don't know what that means, Ben.
- You'll find out.
Copy !req
952. - Right, let's ride some flumes.
- Yes!
Copy !req
953. Jay and Simon had left
me to, as Jay put it,
Copy !req
954. "Chase after Katie like a little prick,"
Copy !req
955. while they, for some unknown reason,
headed to the Lazy River - a child's ride.
Copy !req
956. - Does Jane work on this ride, then?
- No.
Copy !req
957. But, as you can see
from this map of the park,
Copy !req
958. the Lazy River
pretty much covers the whole place.
Copy !req
959. So, basically, we get on,
drift around till we see her. Simples!
Copy !req
960. Is that map entirely accurate?
Copy !req
961. There are pirates and crocodiles
having a sword fight on it.
Copy !req
962. It's a map, all right? Maps don't lie.
Copy !req
963. I'm so sorry if the kids are bothering you.
Copy !req
964. Course not. No, not at all. I love kids.
Copy !req
965. He's a paedophile.
Copy !req
966. - Seriously, I'm trying to help you.
Copy !req
967. All right. Nudgies.
Copy !req
968. Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Copy !req
969. Nudgies was fast becoming
no-one's favourite game.
Copy !req
970. Meanwhile, Neil was teaching animals
only slightly cleverer than him
Copy !req
971. that there's more to life than fish.
Copy !req
972. OK, guys, now you get some very special
one-on-one time with your dolphins.
Copy !req
973. If you'd like to take your positions...
Copy !req
974. Hello, gorgeous.
Copy !req
975. Come here.
Copy !req
976. Good boy!
Copy !req
977. This is amazing.
Copy !req
978. Look, apparently I'm not
allowed to train you,
Copy !req
979. because it turns out this
lot are well racist.
Copy !req
980. But there's one thing I can give you
that they can't.
Copy !req
981. On land, we call that a burger.
Copy !req
982. McDonald's probably do the best one,
followed by Burger King.
Copy !req
983. You like it, do you?
Come on, that's gotta be worth a kiss. Mm!
Copy !req
984. Lovely!
Copy !req
985. They say dolphins are clever,
but what they don't tell you is,
Copy !req
986. they're also greedy little bastards.
Copy !req
987. Meanwhile Jay and Simon
were sticking to their terrible plan.
Copy !req
988. This might not be the quickest way
to search the park.
Copy !req
989. It'll be fine. It's a matter of time
before we find her. Chill.
Copy !req
990. Jay?
Copy !req
991. - Is that him?
- Yeah, Dad, that's him.
Copy !req
992. All right.
Copy !req
993. Hey, mate, what are you doing
with those kids?
Copy !req
994. No, wait. My friend was joking.
Copy !req
995. - You're disgusting.
- I don't love kids.
Copy !req
996. Please. I hate kids!
Copy !req
997. They're not... sexy!
Copy !req
998. Please... agh! Jay?
Copy !req
999. Meanwhile, I was trying to impress
a girl I'd recently fingered to sleep.
Copy !req
1000. Oh, my God! This is the one. Rapids Racer.
It's amazing.
Copy !req
1001. You race other people down rapids.
Copy !req
1002. Cool. How about me versus beaky, then?
Copy !req
1003. Loser has to do a naked
streak round the park.
Copy !req
1004. Yeah, that's hilarious!
Will, you're up for it, aren't you?
Copy !req
1005. I would be, but I'm...
Copy !req
1006. - Boring?
- No, Ben.
Copy !req
1007. - Scared? Ashamed of your tiny penis?
- No, Ben.
Copy !req
1008. Actually I get nosebleeds.
Copy !req
1009. - What?
- I think he said he gets nosebleeds.
Copy !req
1010. Come on, let's race.
Copy !req
1011. Will.
Copy !req
1012. - What happened to you?
- Oh, I was waterboarded on the Lazy River
Copy !req
1013. because Jay told some parents
I was a paedophile.
Copy !req
1014. - Pretty good. Where's Jay now?
- He's gone to find Jane.
Copy !req
1015. - Jane?
- That's why he's in Australia.
Copy !req
1016. She works here
and he's desperate to get her back.
Copy !req
1017. I'm not supposed to tell anyone,
but... after that, fuck him.
Copy !req
1018. Will, come on.
Copy !req
1019. What about your nosebleeds?
Copy !req
1020. Did you want something?
Copy !req
1021. Yeah, I'm looking for someone
that works here, a girl called Jane.
Copy !req
1022. Ok, we've had a few Janes.
What does she look like?
Copy !req
1023. She's got, like, red hair, quite big.
Copy !req
1024. Well, no, beautiful, really,
like really, really beautiful.
Copy !req
1025. Ah, yes, I know Jane.
Copy !req
1026. Yeah, she's a stunner all right, huh?
Copy !req
1027. So whereabouts is she working today?
Copy !req
1028. She left about a month ago, mate. She got
a dream job, with horses or something.
Copy !req
1029. - Did she say where?
- No, sorry. Outback somewhere?
Copy !req
1030. Oh, that's all right. Guess I'll head
to the outback and go find her.
Copy !req
1031. To the outback?
Yeah, you'll find her no problems.
Copy !req
1032. - Will I? Jahmazing.
- Are you some kind of moron?
Copy !req
1033. Of course you fucking won't.
The outback's enormous.
Copy !req
1034. Nah, you'll never find her.
Copy !req
1035. - Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1036. If she gets in touch,
want me to say you're looking for her?
Copy !req
1037. No, it's cool. I'm not even bothered.
Copy !req
1038. I've got some stuff to sort out in...
Vietnam,
Copy !req
1039. like CIA shit.
Copy !req
1040. Basically, I'm getting my own private
train with a machine gun on front.
Copy !req
1041. I'm gonna drive across the
country, standing up,
Copy !req
1042. firing out the machine gun
as it goes along, so...
Copy !req
1043. Now it's time for some chicken.
Copy !req
1044. Ssh! Don't tell anyone.
Copy !req
1045. All right, but this is the last one.
It's the bollocks. Meatball sandwich.
Copy !req
1046. Wake up.
Copy !req
1047. Come on!
Copy !req
1048. We'll never know for certain
exactly what killed the dolphin,
Copy !req
1049. but we do know that Neil did it.
Copy !req
1050. There was tension in the air
as we waited to race.
Copy !req
1051. And tension in the queue as Neil
barged past with his irritable bowels.
Copy !req
1052. - Out the way.
Copy !req
1053. - Get in line, mate.
- No, I've got mates.
Copy !req
1054. - I'm going up there.
- All right?
Copy !req
1055. - How were the dolphins?
- The dolphins are fine, totally fine.
Copy !req
1056. - Why wouldn't they be?
- Only asking.
Copy !req
1057. I don't wanna talk about
the fucking dolphins!
Copy !req
1058. - Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1059. Soz. That's my irritating bowels.
Copy !req
1060. - Next two up.
- Right, good luck, boys.
Copy !req
1061. See you at the bottom.
And don't forget, loser streaks.
Copy !req
1062. Seriously, I would have thought
it'd have been gone by now.
Copy !req
1063. - It's a new one.
- Jesus, Neil.
Copy !req
1064. - I can't stop 'em.
- OK, next two.
Copy !req
1065. - Will, I've got an issue.
- Ready to lose?
Copy !req
1066. - I'm not, but you are.
- Will.
Copy !req
1067. - I'm not gonna lose.
- What's that, mate? No, I'm gonna win.
Copy !req
1068. - Will.
- I can't lose.
Copy !req
1069. - We'll see about that.
- Will.
Copy !req
1070. - I don't lose.
- You wish, jellyfish.
Copy !req
1071. - What?
- Will.
Copy !req
1072. Will, I need help. That last one,
I think maybe I followed through.
Copy !req
1073. Go.
Copy !req
1074. Look, it's my bowels, they're disabled!
Copy !req
1075. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1076. Will!
Copy !req
1077. Will, poo! Poo!
Copy !req
1078. I'm sorry! It just slipped out!
Copy !req
1079. Poo!
Copy !req
1080. No!
Copy !req
1081. Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no!
Copy !req
1082. God! Oh, no!
Copy !req
1083. No!
Copy !req
1084. Go faster, go fucking faster!
Copy !req
1085. Out of the water! Clear!
Copy !req
1086. Clear!
Copy !req
1087. Clear!
Copy !req
1088. Yeah! You won! Yeah!
Copy !req
1089. No!
Copy !req
1090. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1091. Please.
Copy !req
1092. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1093. It wasn't funny, Simon. I was arrested.
Copy !req
1094. Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet
security team can strictly arrest you.
Copy !req
1095. - Children were crying.
- I don't think that was you.
Copy !req
1096. I think that was to do
with that dolphin that died.
Copy !req
1097. - Neil, you were swimming with them.
- I didn't swim with any dolphins.
Copy !req
1098. If you keep telling lies about me,
I'll bring up your mum's hairy face again.
Copy !req
1099. Calm down.
Copy !req
1100. All you all right, Jay?
Copy !req
1101. - Everything's ruined.
- What's up? Your tight foreskin thing?
Copy !req
1102. I've fucked it up again.
Copy !req
1103. - Lay off it for a week. It'll get better.
- She's gone, forever.
Copy !req
1104. - Who?
- Jane.
Copy !req
1105. I should never have bought her a Wii Fit.
Copy !req
1106. She said she wanted to lose a bit of
weight. I was just trying to help.
Copy !req
1107. I loved her the way she was.
Copy !req
1108. You bought her a Wii Fit?
Copy !req
1109. So I came here to find her,
to apologise, to try and win her back.
Copy !req
1110. But I had no idea how big Australia was.
Copy !req
1111. I knew it was an island, so I thought,
"It can't be that big.
Copy !req
1112. I'll probably just bump into her down
the shops." But it's fucking massive!
Copy !req
1113. And now she's gone forever
and my life is pointless again.
Copy !req
1114. Sorry... you bought her a Wii Fit?
Copy !req
1115. My dad was right,
he should have just whipped it out
Copy !req
1116. and splurged on my mum's arse
rather than waste it making me.
Copy !req
1117. I still love her, but I'll never find her.
Copy !req
1118. Si could always ask Lucy where she is.
Copy !req
1119. Shit, yeah, Lucy'll probably know.
Copy !req
1120. - Really?
- Actually, yeah.
Copy !req
1121. She'll definitely know.
She sent her a wedding invitation.
Copy !req
1122. Let's go. I'll Skype her now.
Copy !req
1123. - Shotgun.
- Don't worry, mate. We'll find her.
Copy !req
1124. - Thanks for this, Si.
- No problem. You would do the same for me.
Copy !req
1125. - We wouldn't, your bird's a fucking nightmare.
- Fair enough.
Copy !req
1126. So far, my travelling experience
wasn't going entirely to plan.
Copy !req
1127. I'd assumed that I'd get shitfaced
at some point - but not literally.
Copy !req
1128. Right, you lot go and pack up our stuff.
I'll Skype Lucy.
Copy !req
1129. Will!
Copy !req
1130. Will!
Copy !req
1131. Will!
Copy !req
1132. Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my friends.
It's Neil's fault. He's got this thing...
Copy !req
1133. It was fucking hysterical!
Closing down Splash Planet?
Copy !req
1134. I mean, everyone is talking about
what an absolute legend you are.
Copy !req
1135. - I'm a legend?
- I mean, it looked horrific.
Copy !req
1136. - You were covered in shit, yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1137. But at the same time, it was literally the
funniest thing I've seen. We all loved it!
Copy !req
1138. If it made you laugh, maybe
it was worth getting conjunctivitis.
Copy !req
1139. You're mental!
Copy !req
1140. So what do you wanna do later, then?
Copy !req
1141. Drink? Bite to eat?
Copy !req
1142. Sea kayaking, zip lining, bungee?
Copy !req
1143. - Will, come on. You've gotta pack.
- I am talking, Simon.
Copy !req
1144. - Sorry about that.
- Pack? What? You can't leave!
Copy !req
1145. The gang'll be gutted.
No, you're not actually leaving, are you?
Copy !req
1146. - Yes.
- Well, nothing's finalised.
Copy !req
1147. But it's the songline ceremony tonight.
Copy !req
1148. Look, it's perfect for you, Will.
It's incredibly spiritual.
Copy !req
1149. We're going to the outback.
Will should be packing up now.
Copy !req
1150. OK, well, if you're busy,
I'll leave you to it.
Copy !req
1151. No, Katie, I'm not busy.
I apologise for my friend. He's very rude.
Copy !req
1152. Now, tell me about sea kayaking.
Copy !req
1153. It's amazing. They've got these
kayaks, right, that go in the sea.
Copy !req
1154. - No way!
- It's absolutely unbelievable.
Copy !req
1155. Simon, this was not an
agreed time for Skype.
Copy !req
1156. Lucy, listen,
do you know where Jane is staying?
Copy !req
1157. Of course I do. Simon, we need
to talk about photographers.
Copy !req
1158. You'll have to take out
another student loan.
Copy !req
1159. Christ. Really?
Copy !req
1160. Right, fine, whatever.
Can you just get me her address?
Copy !req
1161. - And I've asked Pete to be your best man.
- Aren't I meant to decide that?
Copy !req
1162. All your friends are massive
dicks, except Pete.
Copy !req
1163. It's Pete or no-one.
Copy !req
1164. Great, fine. It's Pete.
Now, I need that address.
Copy !req
1165. - Pete's been amazing.
- Yeah, Pete's amazing. Please, Lucy.
Copy !req
1166. Thanks, mate. I am amazing. G'day.
Copy !req
1167. - Pete.
- Surprise.
Copy !req
1168. How are things down under?
And I don't mean your horrible balls.
Copy !req
1169. - Ha-ha. You've got horrible balls.
- You actually have, though.
Copy !req
1170. - Banter.
- So, go on. How is it, then?
Copy !req
1171. Not been eaten by a shark yet, worse luck?
Copy !req
1172. Thank you. Yeah, some best man you are!
Copy !req
1173. I'm the best of the best, mate. You know
it. I should be called the brilliant man.
Copy !req
1174. Yeah! Listen, mate, we're
in a bit of a rush.
Copy !req
1175. OK.
Copy !req
1176. So she's staying at
Bewley Stud Farm near Birdsville.
Copy !req
1177. I don't have the exact address because
they pick up the post from the town hotel.
Copy !req
1178. - So what's the house number?
- I told you, I don't have it.
Copy !req
1179. It's a massive farm, you div.
You'll find it.
Copy !req
1180. - Yeah, you div.
- Huh. Of course.
Copy !req
1181. Over and out, Captain Kirk.
Copy !req
1182. - Did you get it?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1183. She's at a stud farm near Birdsville.
Copy !req
1184. That's me fucked. If she's at a stud farm,
then she'll have her pick.
Copy !req
1185. I've got no chance. I've lost her!
Copy !req
1186. Um, a stud farm's where they breed horses.
Copy !req
1187. Yes, I know.
Copy !req
1188. I'm just saying, she really likes horses.
Copy !req
1189. You won't need a life vest
in the car, Will. It's dry.
Copy !req
1190. - Get that off. We're leaving.
- I'm staying here.
Copy !req
1191. - Don't be a dick. Just get in the car.
- No. I'm staying for a bit.
Copy !req
1192. Then I'll do some real travelling
with people who do it properly.
Copy !req
1193. Those tools in there?
They think you're a twat.
Copy !req
1194. And I've met someone I like who likes me.
Copy !req
1195. Will, be careful. Jay told me muff before
mates is actually a crime in Australia.
Copy !req
1196. You think you're my mates?
You don't do any of the things I like,
Copy !req
1197. you don't talk about things I like
and you shit on my face.
Copy !req
1198. - Why would I come with you?
- I only shit on your face once.
Copy !req
1199. I'm not sure how much clearer I
can make it. I'm not coming.
Copy !req
1200. Fine. Fuck you.
We'll go to Birdsville without you.
Copy !req
1201. You're being stupid.
You got dumped, just like I got dumped,
Copy !req
1202. just like Simon will probably get dumped...
Sorry, I mean divorced.
Copy !req
1203. Get over it and be realistic.
Copy !req
1204. Chasing a girl round Australia isn't
romantic, it's extreme stalking.
Copy !req
1205. That's exactly what you're doing to Katie.
Copy !req
1206. - Grow up, Simon.
- You grow up.
Copy !req
1207. I am grown up. You should grow up.
Copy !req
1208. - Really? Grow up.
- I am. You're not. So grow up.
Copy !req
1209. That's grown up. Grow up!
Copy !req
1210. - Yeah, you should.
- We'll see who's grown up, won't we?
Copy !req
1211. - Grow up.
- Grow up!
Copy !req
1212. - Oh, grow up!
- Grow... up!
Copy !req
1213. Grow up.
Copy !req
1214. I feel a bit sad. Can I drive?
Copy !req
1215. - Yeah, sure.
- And can I be best man?
Copy !req
1216. No, it's fucking Pete.
Copy !req
1217. Here's your fucking bag!
Copy !req
1218. Grow up!
Copy !req
1219. Off they went, the idiots.
Good riddance to them.
Copy !req
1220. I was gonna have an authentic
experience sea kayaking.
Copy !req
1221. And at least if I drowned,
and it looked like I might drown,
Copy !req
1222. people could say,
"He died doing what he did best:
Copy !req
1223. making a twat of himself
in front of a girl."
Copy !req
1224. Fuck! Fuck!
Copy !req
1225. Aa-aargh!
Copy !req
1226. Aaagh!
Copy !req
1227. Whoaagh! Waagh!
Copy !req
1228. A-wob a-bob bob?
Copy !req
1229. - What?
- I said, what time is it now?
Copy !req
1230. No, you fucking didn't.
You said, "A-wob a-bob bob."
Copy !req
1231. - Are you sure you're OK to drive?
- Yeah, fine.
Copy !req
1232. Although I think I might cry again.
Copy !req
1233. - Is it far now?
- No, it's only about...
Copy !req
1234. 400 miles. You can make
that, can't you, Neil?
Copy !req
1235. Course. Got a system.
Copy !req
1236. Maybe we should stop for a bit.
Copy !req
1237. Now we have cleansed the area
with sound, we can begin.
Copy !req
1238. We are sitting on songlines,
Copy !req
1239. the ancient lines of power
that cross Australia.
Copy !req
1240. Can you feel the connection?
Copy !req
1241. - Yeah.
- It's amazing.
Copy !req
1242. We carry a great responsibility.
Copy !req
1243. What we say here before the fire,
Copy !req
1244. we transmit out, on the songlines,
to the rest of the planet.
Copy !req
1245. Let's help heal the world by throwing
all the world's negativities onto the fire.
Copy !req
1246. Each think of a negativity and burn it.
Copy !req
1247. What's your negativity?
Copy !req
1248. - Narrow-mindedness.
- Good.
Copy !req
1249. Stephen?
Copy !req
1250. Oh, God, where to start?
Copy !req
1251. I'm just a seeker, a searcher, but...
Copy !req
1252. present in this moment,
Copy !req
1253. away from the past, away from
a military father who I love so much
Copy !req
1254. but Daddy wasn't around,
and away from a distant mother.
Copy !req
1255. But I'm here now,
in the now, not there.
Copy !req
1256. Just wondering how to tell Mummy
what hugs mean.
Copy !req
1257. She asked what negativity
you want to throw on the fire.
Copy !req
1258. Oh, right. Yeah, cool.
Copy !req
1259. - Conformity.
- Excellent.
Copy !req
1260. - Really good.
- What's your negativity, brother?
Copy !req
1261. Erm...
Copy !req
1262. - Come on.
- Erm...
Copy !req
1263. - negativity.
- Yes. Which one?
Copy !req
1264. Just negativity.
Copy !req
1265. Remember, we can help heal the whole world.
Copy !req
1266. - Pass.
- Pass?
Copy !req
1267. Maybe you should just
tell me the right answer.
Copy !req
1268. There's no right answer.
Copy !req
1269. Clearly there is, though.
Copy !req
1270. Raw Pot Noodle, anyone?
Copy !req
1271. Not bad, but a bit crunchy.
Copy !req
1272. I reckon I'll probably propose
to Jane when I see her.
Copy !req
1273. What about the Thai bird
you told me you were seeing?
Copy !req
1274. The black belt at firing
Ping-Pong balls out of her fanny.
Copy !req
1275. Oh, her?
Yeah, no, she had to go back to Vietnam.
Copy !req
1276. - Thailand.
- Thailand.
Copy !req
1277. Yeah, no, Jane's the one.
Copy !req
1278. I'll be married, and you'll be married, Si.
Copy !req
1279. - Yeah.
- So we can go on double dates and stuff.
Copy !req
1280. Yeah. Lucy's not that bad, really. Maybe
being married to her will be all right.
Copy !req
1281. - It will be.
- Gotta be easier than breaking up with her.
Copy !req
1282. She's microwaved my PlayStation.
Copy !req
1283. - Della?
- Um...
Copy !req
1284. - Racism.
- Oh, I hate that.
Copy !req
1285. Ben?
Copy !req
1286. - Negative thoughts.
- Good.
Copy !req
1287. How is that different to "negativity"?
Copy !req
1288. Will, please, just respect the songlines.
Copy !req
1289. - Kristian.
- Racial hatred.
Copy !req
1290. Mm.
Copy !req
1291. Yeah, already had that one, Kris.
Copy !req
1292. - What?
- We've had that.
Copy !req
1293. Think of another one.
Copy !req
1294. So you think racial hatred is a good thing?
Copy !req
1295. You know I'm not saying that, Ben.
Copy !req
1296. She said, "Racism."
He said, "Racial hatred." Pick another.
Copy !req
1297. Will, there's no right or wrong answers.
Copy !req
1298. Yes, there is. You know there is.
Copy !req
1299. Let it all flow out. We'll support you.
Copy !req
1300. - There's no judgement here.
- So you keep saying.
Copy !req
1301. In that case, I'd like to throw the poor
and disadvantaged onto the fire,
Copy !req
1302. and the handicapped,
the homeless, and babies.
Copy !req
1303. Yes, spazzy little African babies
riddled with malaria and AIDS.
Copy !req
1304. There they go, onto the fire.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.
Copy !req
1305. - How's that?
- That is wrong.
Copy !req
1306. Yep, thought it might be.
Copy !req
1307. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1308. I throw anger onto the fire.
Copy !req
1309. - Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Copy !req
1310. - Stephen?
- Infidelity.
Copy !req
1311. Oh, will you just fucking let it go?
Copy !req
1312. Will, are you OK?
Copy !req
1313. Yeah.
Copy !req
1314. - Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin it.
- Oh, no, you didn't.
Copy !req
1315. No, we still had an amazing connection.
Copy !req
1316. Oh, good. That's good.
Copy !req
1317. Listen, whatever your energy is
when you interact over fire stones,
Copy !req
1318. that's your song, and your song is humour.
Copy !req
1319. Oh.
Copy !req
1320. - Thank you.
- And also anger.
Copy !req
1321. You have a large, quite
deep anger song in you.
Copy !req
1322. Frustration, maybe.
Copy !req
1323. And sometimes it's hard to hear the humour
song with the anger song singing so very loud.
Copy !req
1324. You do like me, don't you, Katie?
Copy !req
1325. Of course I do.
Copy !req
1326. Sorry, Ben, this is a private party.
Copy !req
1327. Oh, OK.
Copy !req
1328. See you later.
Copy !req
1329. Are you OK?
Copy !req
1330. - That was horrible.
- What was?
Copy !req
1331. Him just kissing you like that.
Do you want me to call somebody?
Copy !req
1332. - He shouldn't get away with that.
- Oh, I know.
Copy !req
1333. He can be such a tease.
Copy !req
1334. - Tease?
- He knows that drives me crazy.
Copy !req
1335. Crazy angry, right?
Copy !req
1336. And tingly.
Copy !req
1337. Bad tingly, like really
severe pins and needles?
Copy !req
1338. Oh, God, no. Nice.
Copy !req
1339. It's scary. I don't know how he does it.
Copy !req
1340. What is happening here?
Copy !req
1341. We've been having
this on/off thing for ages,
Copy !req
1342. and he drives me mental
when we fight, but, in the end,
Copy !req
1343. the animal urge, it's
just too much to ignore.
Copy !req
1344. - You said he was a dick.
- Will, I wish you'd get to know him.
Copy !req
1345. He is such a spiritual guy.
Copy !req
1346. So you're with him, even
though you kissed me?
Copy !req
1347. Will, I like you. I kissed you.
Copy !req
1348. But I kiss a lot of people,
especially when I'm drunk.
Copy !req
1349. What Ben and I have,
it's a deep lust for each other.
Copy !req
1350. - It's spiritual.
- Right, that's the last time.
Copy !req
1351. Even the dictionary
definition of spiritual,
Copy !req
1352. which I looked up, suggests
it's about the soul,
Copy !req
1353. another vague
and probably non-existent concept.
Copy !req
1354. I don't think you get it. But that's cool.
Copy !req
1355. No, no, I get it all right,
you patronising cow.
Copy !req
1356. It's you twats that don't get it.
That's right, I called you twats.
Copy !req
1357. Chill, Will.
Copy !req
1358. Playing the guitar badly,
wearing beads, talking about one love,
Copy !req
1359. pretending you're friends with Central American
villagers, who, by the way, despise you,
Copy !req
1360. before heading to your parents'
five-bedroom house in Surrey,
Copy !req
1361. doesn't make you a spiritual person,
it makes you a bellend.
Copy !req
1362. I think you're right about his song, Katie.
Copy !req
1363. Fuck off, Ben! You don't believe
in songlines any more than I do.
Copy !req
1364. It's just a way
to seem interesting to girls
Copy !req
1365. because deep down,
you're boring and pretentious,
Copy !req
1366. like your stupid fucking dreadlocks,
Copy !req
1367. which, by the way, always look
embarrassing on white people.
Copy !req
1368. They're not countercultural.
They scream, "I've got a trust fund."
Copy !req
1369. So get a normal haircut,
you unbearable prick. Goodbye.
Copy !req
1370. I may have won the battle,
but I'd lost the war.
Copy !req
1371. By now, my real friends
were hundreds of miles away,
Copy !req
1372. but my fake friends
were a little too close to home.
Copy !req
1373. - I don't lose.
- Oh, Ben.
Copy !req
1374. I don't lose. I don't lose.
Copy !req
1375. - I... don't... lose!
- Oh, Ben!
Copy !req
1376. One ticket to Birdsville.
Copy !req
1377. So that'll be $350.
Copy !req
1378. - Have you flown this route before?
- No.
Copy !req
1379. OK. You'll want these, then.
Copy !req
1380. There's some sick bags,
because you are gonna be sick.
Copy !req
1381. Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
1382. Oh, my Go-o-o-d!
Copy !req
1383. - Get out, you pommy mongrels.
- See you later. They were nice.
Copy !req
1384. Apart from when they tried to fight us.
Copy !req
1385. It's the next property,
just down the Birdsville Track.
Copy !req
1386. Yeah, not far now, mate.
Copy !req
1387. - Wait! Wait!
- What the fuck is that?
Copy !req
1388. Guys! Wait!
Copy !req
1389. I think it's a prick.
Copy !req
1390. I had to get here.
Copy !req
1391. I'm just so lost at the
moment with uni and...
Copy !req
1392. I know I've made some bad decisions
but I'm finding it hard to know who I am.
Copy !req
1393. - Don't worry about that. Leave that.
- We'd better get going.
Copy !req
1394. Listen, please.
Copy !req
1395. I don't have many friends
and I thought those people...
Copy !req
1396. Nudgies.
Copy !req
1397. Get in.
Copy !req
1398. Ooh, you're hard.
Copy !req
1399. Next farm! Next farm! Next farm!
Copy !req
1400. Next farm! Next farm!
Copy !req
1401. Next farm! Next farm...
Copy !req
1402. Did they say exactly how
far the next farm is?
Copy !req
1403. Shit. We're on the white
bit of the petrol meter.
Copy !req
1404. Don't worry about that, that's a con, by car
makers and oil people, to get you to buy more.
Copy !req
1405. I went to Portugal and
back on the white bit.
Copy !req
1406. - I don't know. It looks quite low.
- Please, let's just keep going.
Copy !req
1407. There's bound to be a petrol
station round here somewhere.
Copy !req
1408. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1409. Don't worry. I'll just coast
it for a couple of miles.
Copy !req
1410. - It's very hot in here.
- Yeah, sorry about that. I had the heating on.
Copy !req
1411. What now?
Wait for someone to pass by to help?
Copy !req
1412. Bollocks. Just phone the AA
and they'll come pick us up.
Copy !req
1413. How's the reception on your phone?
Copy !req
1414. - Oh, fuck!
- Exactly.
Copy !req
1415. We should get out of the car, though.
It's an oven.
Copy !req
1416. It's not that much cooler
out of the car, to be fair.
Copy !req
1417. All right, we're in a bit of a spot here.
Copy !req
1418. We've got to keep calm. Do not panic.
Copy !req
1419. How much water have we got?
Copy !req
1420. None.
Copy !req
1421. OK. Bad start.
Copy !req
1422. We'll be fine. There'll probably be
a wise old Aboriginal along any minute.
Copy !req
1423. Think. In the two hours since we left
Birdsville, how many cars have we seen?
Copy !req
1424. Ooh. None.
Copy !req
1425. None is correct.
Now, how many wise old Aboriginals?
Copy !req
1426. - None.
- None.
Copy !req
1427. Fucking none. We aren't
in England any more.
Copy !req
1428. We're somewhere genuinely dangerous.
Copy !req
1429. Don't shit your pants. I know Australia.
Copy !req
1430. - Someone will be along in a minute.
- But what if they aren't?
Copy !req
1431. - They will be.
- Anyone want a drink?
Copy !req
1432. - Have you got water?
- No, just wondered.
Copy !req
1433. - I'm really thirsty.
- We need a survival plan.
Copy !req
1434. No, I doubt it.
Copy !req
1435. In the desert without
water, we'll die in a day.
Copy !req
1436. - I think we're going to be fine.
- How, Simon?
Copy !req
1437. Tell me how we're gonna be fine.
Copy !req
1438. - People will be looking for us.
- Who?
Copy !req
1439. Who even knows we're missing, or cares?
Your dad?
Copy !req
1440. Jay's uncle?
Copy !req
1441. Your mum, if she wasn't
getting fucked by a stranger.
Copy !req
1442. - It's nasty, but it's probably true.
Copy !req
1443. - We could drink our piss.
- What?
Copy !req
1444. It's all right. I do it occasionally.
I ate a bit of my spunk once too.
Copy !req
1445. You're grim, mate.
Copy !req
1446. I need a piss and it seems
a shame to waste it.
Copy !req
1447. Up to you.
Copy !req
1448. Neil, do you have to do that here?
Copy !req
1449. If you can't see it coming out the end,
it's not rude.
Copy !req
1450. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1451. There's probably water in the windscreen
washer pot. We could share that out.
Copy !req
1452. Perfect. This should keep us going.
Copy !req
1453. Uncle Jay sorts it again.
Copy !req
1454. - It was soap.
- Obviously.
Copy !req
1455. Seriously, we do need a plan.
Copy !req
1456. I saw that film where the bloke
got stuck in the desert but lived.
Copy !req
1457. - What did he do?
- Cut his arm off with a penknife.
Copy !req
1458. Right. Any other ideas?
Copy !req
1459. I watched every episode
of Bear Grylls' Man Vs. Wild.
Copy !req
1460. OK. Now we're getting somewhere.
Copy !req
1461. What would Bear suggest
we do in this situation, Neil?
Copy !req
1462. OK, when we get a salmon, just bite
into the middle, even though it's raw.
Copy !req
1463. There isn't any water. Where do we
get a salmon, you fucking idiot?
Copy !req
1464. Shop.
Copy !req
1465. Neil's got a point.
Split up and search for water sources.
Copy !req
1466. - And a salmon.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1467. Thanks very much, Dad. Thanks for
not teaching me how to find water,
Copy !req
1468. the only thing I would need
to know in my entire fucking life.
Copy !req
1469. "Go and do a sociology degree.
That'll be fucking helpful."
Copy !req
1470. Si, quick! Look!
Copy !req
1471. OK, learn from your mistakes.
Copy !req
1472. Wandering around failing to find water
just uses up calories. We've learnt that.
Copy !req
1473. I can't believe we didn't
bring any sun cream.
Copy !req
1474. Not even, like, factor eight.
Copy !req
1475. Even some shitty factor eight
would make the situation better.
Copy !req
1476. God, I'd love some factor eight right now.
Copy !req
1477. Oh, my gosh. A lake!
Copy !req
1478. A fucking lake! We're saved.
Copy !req
1479. But I can't believe we never spotted that.
Copy !req
1480. - It's a mirage, Neil.
- Is that Australian for lake?
Copy !req
1481. It means cos you're hot,
you're seeing things.
Copy !req
1482. - What if it is a lake?
- You're seeing things. It's an illusion.
Copy !req
1483. If I was seeing things,
I'd be seeing cool things,
Copy !req
1484. like Optimus Prime banging Katy Perry,
Copy !req
1485. or Jay the size of a house but all
his fingers are Cadbury's Flakes.
Copy !req
1486. - I want water more than anything.
- I'll get us water, Si. Don't worry.
Copy !req
1487. This is it. We're saved.
Thank you, Bear Grylls!
Copy !req
1488. No-o-o-o!
Copy !req
1489. - I told him so.
- I know you did.
Copy !req
1490. - Can we start panicking now?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1491. No-o-o-o!
Copy !req
1492. I bet they use a shit picture.
Copy !req
1493. What?
Copy !req
1494. When they report us being dead,
Copy !req
1495. I bet they use a picture
where my hair looks shit.
Copy !req
1496. They'll have plenty to choose from.
Copy !req
1497. And I'll be described as engaged,
for fuck's sake.
Copy !req
1498. I bet Lucy'll love that.
She'll milk the attention, the cow.
Copy !req
1499. - I don't think you'll be that bothered.
- I will.
Copy !req
1500. I don't think you will be.
Cos, crucially, you'll be dead.
Copy !req
1501. Stone fucking dead, just like we all will.
Copy !req
1502. Oh, God. I don't wanna die.
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1503. For fuck's sake, I'm too dehydrated to cry.
Copy !req
1504. I wish my mum was here.
Copy !req
1505. - Does she deliver water?
- She does when I'm nearby.
Copy !req
1506. From her fanny.
Copy !req
1507. I'm so fucking thirsty.
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1508. Do you wanna try the spunk thing?
It's a bit like a salty smoothie.
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1509. I can't think of anything
I wanna do less right now than wank.
Copy !req
1510. Jesus, things are even more serious
than I thought.
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1511. Neil, if you can piss
again now, I'll drink it.
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1512. You should really only drink your own, Si.
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1513. I'm so dehydrated, I can't piss.
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1514. Neil, please, help.
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1515. I'm dying.
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1516. Course, mate.
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1517. Sorry, Si. I've got no more piss.
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1518. That's all right, mate. Thanks for trying.
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1519. I was trying, Si, I really was.
It's just... Oh.
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1520. And there was that bit.
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1521. I'm hot, then cold, then hot.
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1522. - Then really cold.
- And you stink of piss.
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1523. I really didn't think
dying would be like this.
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1524. It's knackering to get wound up about it.
Copy !req
1525. Just let it happen, I reckon.
Copy !req
1526. No. Please fight it, Jay.
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1527. There's something I need to say.
Copy !req
1528. What?
Copy !req
1529. - Sorry.
- Oh, mate.
Copy !req
1530. I am. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1531. Just...
Copy !req
1532. Sorry.
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1533. It don't matter.
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1534. There's something
I always meant to ask you guys, too.
Copy !req
1535. What is it, mate?
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1536. How long after a poo can you have sex?
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1537. Please don't make this my last thought.
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1538. I never found out, and...
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1539. now I'll never know.
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1540. I can't see very well.
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1541. I think it's just the brightness.
Copy !req
1542. Close your eyes.
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1543. - But you said...
- I know.
Copy !req
1544. Here.
Copy !req
1545. Neil.
Copy !req
1546. - For bants.
- Yeah, for bants.
Copy !req
1547. That's better.
Copy !req
1548. Die, then?
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1549. Sorry, Dad.
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1550. Sorry, Jane.
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1551. It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si?
I've always liked sleep.
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1552. Yeah, it'll be OK, Neil.
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1553. All right, then.
Copy !req
1554. Cheers.
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1555. Is this proper travelling?
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1556. Yeah.
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1557. Yeah, it is.
Copy !req
1558. - Shall we?
- Yeah, I suppose.
Copy !req
1559. Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
1560. - Are you a mirage?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1561. Would a mirage call you a stupid cunt?
Copy !req
1562. We're saved! We're saved!
Copy !req
1563. We're saved! We're saved! We're saved!
Copy !req
1564. Fuck me, you poms love a drama!
You've only been out here two hours.
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1565. We're alive!
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1566. Jane! Jane!
Copy !req
1567. - Jane.
- Jay, oh, my God. Look at you!
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1568. I love you. Will you marry me?
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1569. I'm sorry about the Wii Fit.
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1570. No, Jay.
Copy !req
1571. - Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.
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1572. Jay, did you really come all this way
out here just to find me?
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1573. Yeah.
Copy !req
1574. But...
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1575. not because I miss you,
but because I've got an STD,
Copy !req
1576. and the doctor said I have to
tell all my former lovers,
Copy !req
1577. and you're the last, number 6,004.
Copy !req
1578. So, that's that dealt with. Good.
Copy !req
1579. 6,004?
Copy !req
1580. Don't forget, a lot of them was orgies.
Copy !req
1581. Everything's been rubbish since you left.
Copy !req
1582. I work in a toilet and I live in a tent.
Copy !req
1583. Oh, come here.
Copy !req
1584. So, do you wanna get back together?
Copy !req
1585. No. No, that's definitely not happening.
Copy !req
1586. - Hashtag dumped again.
- Come on, let's get you home.
Copy !req
1587. Last time I saw something that soppy,
I was pulling my cock out of it.
Copy !req
1588. - Let's head back to the farm.
- I'm not sure we're in a state to travel.
Copy !req
1589. We need serious medical attention.
Copy !req
1590. What you need is some fucking after sun
and a beer.
Copy !req
1591. Now, take your clothes
off and get in the ute.
Copy !req
1592. Shit. Mum was right.
Copy !req
1593. It's the best thing for the sunstroke.
Copy !req
1594. You need the heat to
leave your body quickly.
Copy !req
1595. Right, fine. Of course.
Copy !req
1596. Plus, it makes you easier to rape.
Copy !req
1597. We couldn't wait to leave the outback,
Copy !req
1598. although some things
would stay with us forever...
Copy !req
1599. mainly the sight of Neil's meaty penis.
Copy !req
1600. Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the car
and then we headed back to civilisation...
Copy !req
1601. if you can call Uncle
Bryan's house civilised.
Copy !req
1602. Neil pissed all over my head,
Copy !req
1603. but I didn't manage to drink any,
then we gave up.
Copy !req
1604. But the stud farm sent
people to look for us,
Copy !req
1605. and we were on the news -
they called us pommy morons.
Copy !req
1606. Everyone has flown over,
they were worried.
Copy !req
1607. But everything's changed, Luce.
I am so lucky to be alive.
Copy !req
1608. And this world
is just the most beautiful thing.
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1609. You are so great
and I can't wait to get married.
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1610. I love you, Lucy.
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1611. I've been sleeping with Pete.
Copy !req
1612. Sorry?
Copy !req
1613. Me and your best man Pete
have been having sex.
Copy !req
1614. Good sex.
Copy !req
1615. Is this role playing again,
like when I said I'd bummed Will?
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1616. You're such a dopey prick.
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1617. I still can't believe
you come out of me nut sacks.
Copy !req
1618. Your nut sacks?
I can't believe we're the same species.
Copy !req
1619. Look at him, weedy and retarded.
Copy !req
1620. He's like one of them X-Men freaks,
Doctor Lawn Fucker or something.
Copy !req
1621. Oh, my God, my petal, my darling!
Copy !req
1622. - I missed you so much.
- I was lost in the desert too.
Copy !req
1623. I don't really want to be friends,
but Pete said it'd be better if we were.
Copy !req
1624. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1625. - You're breaking up with me?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1626. So I'm single and now Pete
has to go out with you?
Copy !req
1627. Yes, Simon!
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1628. Ye-e-e-s!
Copy !req
1629. Fucking brilliant!
Copy !req
1630. - Oh, hello, Mrs McKenzie.
- Hello, Simon.
Copy !req
1631. Your parents asked me
to check if you're OK.
Copy !req
1632. Me? Fucking brilliant.
Absolutely fucking brilliant.
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1633. Sorry, sir. Sorry. I didn't mean to swear.
Copy !req
1634. Mr Gilbert? What are you doing here?
You have no jurisdiction.
Copy !req
1635. Oh, Phil's just... helping me out
with a couple of things.
Copy !req
1636. I don't follow. "Phil"?
Copy !req
1637. Do I need to spell it
out for you, McKenzie?
Copy !req
1638. OK.
Copy !req
1639. Well, when a man loves a lady very much,
Copy !req
1640. blood rushes to the genital area,
enlarging significantly the penis.
Copy !req
1641. - Or, in this case, my penis.
- I mean, we wanted to tell you in person,
Copy !req
1642. then you getting lost was the perfect
excuse to come and see you.
Copy !req
1643. Then we thought,
"Let's make it into a holiday."
Copy !req
1644. Have you got any recommendations?
We've booked a Barrier Reef tour.
Copy !req
1645. Yes. I'm very much looking forward
to going diving.
Copy !req
1646. OK, so here's some bad news.
Copy !req
1647. It turns out we did die in the desert,
because I appear to be in hell.
Copy !req
1648. Jesus Christ, mate, don't get me wrong,
Copy !req
1649. I'm glad you stopped fucking me garden,
Copy !req
1650. but what was you thinking
going all that way for a fat chick?
Copy !req
1651. - What did you just say?
- About the spunk hole?
Copy !req
1652. - No, after that.
- About you chasing the fat chick?
Copy !req
1653. You're lucky Fatty Boom Boom
didn't eat you out there in the desert.
Copy !req
1654. Them fat chicks get so fucking hungry...
Copy !req
1655. Yeah, no, yeah, good.
I mean, good for trying.
Copy !req
1656. Weak as fuck, obviously, more like a slap.
Copy !req
1657. You taught him how to punch like a girl,
I presume?
Copy !req
1658. - Watch it, Bryan.
- Least your boy's got some spunk.
Copy !req
1659. But it's mainly round
his mouth and arsehole.
Copy !req
1660. - I said watch it.
- Or what? You'll slap me too?
Copy !req
1661. - You...
- Here we go.
Copy !req
1662. Get in there! Get in there, you ugly fuck!
Copy !req
1663. I'll give it to you.
Then I'll fucking give it to you again.
Copy !req
1664. Shall we go? It's getting
a bit like my cousin's wedding.
Copy !req
1665. - Yeah.
- In your fucking dreams.
Copy !req
1666. I was thinking about
not going back to England for a bit.
Copy !req
1667. Do some more travelling.
Vietnam's nice. Anyone fancy it?
Copy !req
1668. I'm in. I've still got some shit
to sort out for the CIA there.
Copy !req
1669. - Neil?
- I'd like to go travelling.
Copy !req
1670. Go far enough, we might find your mum.
Copy !req
1671. - Fuck off.
- Sorry, Neil.
Copy !req
1672. My Ping-Pong fanny girl's got a mate,
I could set you two up.
Copy !req
1673. - Nice one.
- Shake on it?
Copy !req
1674. - Cheers, mate.
- He's a ladyboy.
Copy !req
1675. - Oh, fuck!
- Too late. You shook on it. Bad luck.
Copy !req
1676. - Bants?
- No, you've gotta fuck a man with tits.
Copy !req
1677. - Or a girl with a penis.
- Will, help me out.
Copy !req
1678. Sorry, Neil. You shook on it.
Copy !req
1679. I suppose I'd better just
stick to the top half.
Copy !req
1680. Kombucha!
Copy !req
1681. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1682. All right? OK. Ease off.
Copy !req
1683. I guess that's gonna be a problem?
Copy !req
1684. - Oh, fuck off! Fuck off!
- Simon.
Copy !req
1685. - We love it.
- Fuck off.
Copy !req
1686. What's up with him?
Copy !req
1687. Dad, this is Nikki. Nikki, this is Dad.
Copy !req
1688. Hi.
Copy !req
1689. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Copy !req