The Harry Hill Movie (2013)

1. Watch out, mate!

2. Slow down.

3. Get off the pavement.

4. Out of the way, baldy.

5. Hi! I'm Harry and this is my movie!

6. Yay!

7. Hiya!

8. Whoa!

9. Ah!

10. Sorry!

11. - You can do it! - I can see the head.

12. Keep going, you're nearly there. Push! Push! Push!

13. - It's a girl. - Thanks, Harry.

14. Come on, get it open. Come on.

15. - Thanks, Harry. - Don't mention it.

16. Why didn't you let me pass, Nan?

17. I thought you were someone else.

18. Mrs Pickford's not been the same since her dog died.

19. Well, at least this new one seems to do as it's told.

20. - Yeah. - Come on.

21. - Did you get the chicken? - I knew I'd forgotten something.

22. - You'll have to get one out the coop. - I hate doing that.

23. Well, then there's no mid-week roast.

24. You and your set menu.

25. Sniper!

26. Looks like I'm henned in!

27. Dinner is sewed.

28. And I picked these up for breakfast too.

29. Harry, love, sit down.

30. - It's time I told you something. - What is it, Nan?

31. You have got a long-lost twin brother called...

32. Otto, I know. There's pictures of him everywhere.

33. What, and I've told you this before?

34. Yeah, for some reason every-time we have eggs!

35. Can I tell it you again, anyway?

36. Well you're going to so...

37. Many years ago,

38. when you was just a boy...

39. - What's happened to your voice? - It's my flashback voice.

40. Many years ago,

41. when you was just a boy...

42. Get on with it, Nan.

43. Your mother and father left me to look after you and Otto

44. while they went off on a romantic mini-break for two.

45. To Butlins... but they never came back.

46. I thought they'd been killed in a freak wave pool accident.

47. But I later discovered

48. there were so many attractions on offer they just couldn't leave.

49. There was tennis and archery, falconry.

50. There's entertainment every night from top entertainers from the past like Lulu.

51. - Lulu? - Yes.

52. I couldn't look after both of you,

53. so I did what any responsible grandparent would do

54. and I sent Otto to live with a family of Alsatians near Kettering.

55. And that was the last...

56. saw of him.

57. So, he was brought up by Alsatians?

58. Oh, yes. It's more common than you'd think.

59. But you and me Harry,

60. we've been happy living together ever since.

61. Yeah, about that.

62. It's not ideal is it?

63. What?

64. Well, it's difficult for me to bring girls back.

65. - Girls? - You send me to bed at nine,

66. you always leave the toilet seat up

67. and why should you have the top bunk?

68. Are you trying to tell me something, Harry?

69. Maybe it's time you thought about moving...

70. Abu!

71. Come on, Nan.

72. Abu, are you all right?

73. I'll check on him.

74. Abu!

75. He's a bit under the weather.

76. He looks alright to me.

77. It would seem that something...

78. has disagreed with him.

79. Let's drive.

80. But take it easy, Nan, just in case he's sick again...

81. You got those wet wipes Nan?

82. "Gone but not fur-gotten".

83. "A loving and special friend"?

84. Well, that's a good start.

85. She says we need an appointment.

86. - But this is an emergency. - I'm sorry, but we're very busy

87. and there's absolutely no way you can see the vet

88. without a pre-booked appointment.

89. The vet will see you now...

90. Nice tracksuit.

91. Yes. A rash; red and swollen round the thighs,

92. some green discharge,

93. Interesting.

94. OK. Bye, Mum.

95. Now, where were we?

96. - Excessive vomiting. - Ah, right.

97. We can give him something for that. Come here.

98. There!

99. But to get to the bottom of it, we're going to need to run some tests.

100. Will they look sinister in a montage?

101. I'm afraid so.

102. Ow!

103. Harry, take a seat.

104. - I think you might need a drink. - Thank you.

105. I thought it was tangy.

106. Well, that was misleading. When you pointed to the...

107. I was pointing at the chair.

108. Listen, Harry. It's bad news, I'm afraid.

109. You see these areas here... and here.

110. Yes. Like I say, 'not good'.

111. And the test results, well - ouch!

112. - Can he be...? - Cured? No.

113. Poor Abu.

114. - How long's he got? - Oh I don't know! A week tops.

115. Which is why I'd like to ask the nurse to put him down.

116. There must be something we can do?

117. There's only one thing we can do. The kindest thing.

118. Mary!

119. Ah, Mary! Would you mind doing the honours?

120. Ah!

121. On!

122. Never mind.

123. We'll take him home and think about it!

124. Harry.

125. We failed. He's still got the hamster.

126. The boy, Kisko. Did his disguise fail?

127. No, his disguise was impeccable.

128. Well, then, get me that hamster.

129. We'll try, but...

130. No buts! Get me that hamster!

131. Yes! It's an evil twin thing!

132. That's the Alsatian in me.

133. And once you're mine, Abu,

134. there's a spot with your name on it

135. in my very own Hamsterville.

136. Look at the little fella, sleeping soundly.

137. Blissfully unaware that he's going to die.

138. Die? I'm actually feeling a lot better!

139. He's awake! Maybe you should tell him?

140. Let's not. I don't want to ruin his last week.

141. A week? But I've just paid a year's subscription to Netflix.

142. Abu, if I wanted to, for no particular reason,

143. give you the best week of your life,

144. just for fun. Nothing sinister about it.

145. And you could do anything, what would it be, old friend?

146. One thing.

147. Is there any chance you could get me to meet Rihanna?

148. - She's gorgeous, that girl. - Really?

149. Well, if you're sure.

150. He wants to go to the top of the Blackpool Tower.

151. - No! - I'm not surprised.

152. We had such happy holidays there when we were nippers.

153. Why don't you understand me? Rihanna.

154. How can you be sure? You don't speak hamster.

155. No but I speak a little gerbil and it's practically the same,

156. - What? - Just a bit more...

157. That's guinea-pig!

158. Rihanna, if you're watching, I've got one week - call me.

159. See how excited he is.

160. - We're all going to... - Rihanna's house!

161. I wonder who that could be?

162. Nan! How many times? No strippagrams on a week night.

163. No Harry, I'm Father... Jesus...

164. and this is Sister Man... sfield.

165. Sister Mansfield.

166. I heard your Hamster was ill and I'm here to read him the last rites.

167. I had no idea Abu was Catholic. You'd better come in.

168. Where is the little...?

169. Tea? Coffee? Coke float?

170. Thank you, but as a priest we're only allowed to drink holy water.

171. - Really? - Yeah, pretty sure about that.

172. - Where's the hamster? - In his bedroom.

173. - I'll show you up. - No! No.

174. It's best if you stay with Sister Mansfield.

175. - Things can get a bit... - What?

176. The power of Christ compels you!

177. You'll never convert me.

178. In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti.

179. - A bit like that. - Right, well, I'll leave you to it.

180. Umbrella.

181. No. No means no, Rihanna.

182. - Gotcha. - I'll tell the Pope about you!

183. Woo hoo!

184. Try doing this with a Kindle.

185. Nunning. I suppose that's pretty much recession-proof.

186. Yes.

187. Ah!

188. That's magic!

189. It was Abu, on the shelf, with a dagger.

190. Ow!

191. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

192. - Ooh! - Arriba, arriba!

193. Andale. Andale!

194. Yeah, guess what? I'm not in the hat any more.

195. Coming up, inappropriate uses of a crucifix. Number one...

196. Of course, Jesus

197. backwards

198. is Susej.

199. Sister Mansfield? Can you come and assist me?

200. - Radiator. - Whoa. It's Julie Mandrews.

201. Ah!

202. Don't look up, Abu!

203. Where's he gone?

204. Oh!

205. I've got my hand on something furry.

206. What the...?

207. So this is what you get up to, is it?

208. Right, get out.

209. You dirty...

210. Honestly, you people took a vow.

211. Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry-

212. It's that vet. He's trying to kidnap me.

213. That's right, Abu. That image will be difficult to get out of our heads.

214. But there's a lesson in this.

215. When strange people knock at your door,

216. always remember to request some photo ID, and if you're not convinced,

217. phone the company they say they're from, or alternatively the police.

218. Right, little buddy, you'd better get some sleep.

219. - We've got a long day tomorrow. - Agh!

220. Strap in, Abu, and get ready for the best week of your life.

221. This is a hostage situation.

222. That's the spirit. Blackpool ho!

223. Your Google Maps is out of date.

224. No, no, this is Sepia Maps. All the villains use it.

225. It lets you track your arch enemy anywhere in the world.

226. It's got some nice touches, actually.

227. Germany's still called Prussia. There's dragons in the sea.

228. Right, you two! I can't afford any more failures.

229. Literally. The rent on this HQ is astronomical.

230. There's a service charge which includes the gym which I don't even use.

231. Now, as my erstwhile brother is on the move,

232. you follow that car, and when his back is turned,

233. you steal that hamster and bring him to me!

234. And if you fail...

235. Great. Steak for dinner. I love steak.

236. No, not steak for dinner. You end up like the steak.

237. Technically if you are gonna feed raw meat to your dogs,

238. you should supplement their diet...

239. - Shut up. - Just saying.

240. So, gentlemen, it looks like you're going on a little road trip.

241. Dance with me.

242. Oh, please.

243. I spy with my little eye something beginning with...

244. - ... C. - Car.

245. - No. - Cruise control.

246. On a Rover 2200 SC? Guess again, Nan.

247. - Creepy bald guy? - Good try, Abu.

248. But the last Cafe Rouge we passed was in Winchester.

249. - Eh? - No one?

250. It was charming retirement home.

251. Your last three goes have been

252. care home, removal van and skip.

253. - You trying to tell me something? - Well, it can't last forever, Nan.

254. I mean, what if I meet the right girl, get married and need the space?

255. Oh, yeah. I've got a good feeling about this trip.

256. Well, I'm glad someone has.

257. Brilliant camouflage, Kisko.

258. They'll never suspect a thing.

259. What? Eh?

260. Guys, we're being followed by a mobile cone.

261. - No, Abu, we're not there yet. - Turn left, you muppet!

262. Sat nav's a bit aggressive.

263. I said take the next left, you toilet!

264. All right.

265. Ah!

266. Whoa!

267. Oi, baldy, tell the old girl to put her foot down

268. or we'll be here all day!

269. - It's set on angry white van man. - I'm not angry!

270. Isn't there a nicer setting, like 'Milkman' or 'David Beckham'?

271. Guys, can you seriously not see this giant traffic cone?

272. You should have gone before we left.

273. - I give up. - Here we are - 'Sheila'.

274. Keep going until the roundabout.

275. Here we go.

276. - Which exit, Sheila? - What are you asking me for?

277. - How am I supposed to know... - Oh, hang on.

278. It's Sheila, the white van man's even angrier ex-wife.

279. - I'm gonna be sick. - ... it's my fault that we get lost!

280. My old fella was right about you! I never should have married you!

281. For God's sake, change it.

282. The only other one is 'Yakuza Boss'.

283. It would honour us greatly

284. if you would take second exit off roundabout.

285. This is much more pleasant.

286. Oops!

287. In 400 yards look out for low bridge.

288. He's very helpful, isn't he?

289. But they eat tiny pieces of raw fish, which seems terribly cruel.

290. - Uh-oh. - Hmm?

291. Ooh.

292. Yes! Back of the net for Team Abu!

293. Yeah!

294. You have reached your destination.

295. - Arigato. - Lovely.

296. - Blackpool Tower? - Blackpool?

297. No. This is Blackpole.

298. - Really? - Yeah. Look.

299. Blackpole, home of the black pole.

300. That's right.

301. Oooh.

302. Excuse me one moment.

303. Where are you going with sat nav, Harry San?

304. What's he...?

305. Ooh.

306. Please return to car now.

307. No! Can't swim.

308. - Shall we find somewhere to stay? - Yeah.

309. Well, this looks cheap.

310. Must check the sheets for curlies.

311. Hello. We're looking for a room.

312. - You've come to the right place. - Let's show you round.

313. Lovely.

314. - Good night, Nan. - Night, Harry.

315. - Good night, Abu. - Night.

316. - Good night, The Magic Numbers. - Good night, Harry.

317. He's only got one week to live.

318. Abu.

319. He wants to go to Blackpool.

320. Abu.

321. Abu. Abu. Abu.

322. Am

323. I know, you missed breakfast.

324. But don't worry, I snuck up the toast rack.

325. So how did you get into the henchman business?

326. Yeah, me too.

327. I've henched for everyone. Scaramanga.

328. Lex Luthor. I did Tony Blair for a couple of years.

329. I'll tell you who's nice who you wouldn't expect. Darth Vader.

330. Well, thank you. We've had the most lovely stay.

331. Sorry about the stain.

332. Thanks. Tell me, is there much to see in Blackpole?

333. - You've seen the pole, right? - Yeah, yeah, we saw that yesterday.

334. Well, you can't go without seeing the nuclear power station.

335. I thought that was IKEA.

336. It's the number one tourist attraction here in Blackpole.

337. After the pole.

338. Well, it certainly looks entertaining and educational.

339. What do you think, Abu? After all, it's your special week.

340. I'd rather gouge me eyes out with a Twiglet.

341. Well, if you feel that strongly about it, power station it is.

342. - Goodbye, Magic Numbers. - Goodbye, Harry.

343. Here we go again.

344. Ooh.

345. Oh, here they come.

346. No. We can't draw attention.

347. Sorry.

348. Ow!

349. Hello? Hello?

350. - Can you smell burning? - Hello? Anyone?

351. - I can. - Hello, me ducks.

352. We're here for the tour. I've been ringing that thing for the last 20 minutes.

353. Oh, no. That's not a bell.

354. That's the temperature booster for the nuclear reactor.

355. Oh, no.

356. Meltdown imminent.

357. Meltdown imminent.

358. Meltdown narrowly averted.

359. Sorry about that.

360. It's our fault for putting it on the reception desk.

361. We've come for the guided tour.

362. I'm sorry, dear. The tour guide's only here Monday to Friday.

363. - Gutted. - Could I have a word?

364. The hamster friend of ours, I know he looks fine,

365. but he's very ill.

366. - Nan, what are you doing? - He's only got a week to live.

367. - Your hands are cold. - Bless him. And he's only young.

368. Yeah. So if you could see your way clear to showing us round.

369. It'd mean the world to him.

370. I'd love to, darling, but I'm very busy, you see.

371. Maybe this'll change your mind?

372. But, sir, this is a Nando's loyalty card.

373. With all six stamps.

374. You've got my number.

375. And this board here gives us all the relevant information

376. for the reactor vessel.

377. Have you got Wi-Fi?

378. - Likewise the functionof this one. - Now!

379. - Except it relates to the steam generator. - Yes.

380. And right here we come all the way down to the main one, which...

381. Ah!

382. Help me!

383. Harry! I'm being sucked up!

384. Ah!

385. That's a big one, isn't it?

386. This is where all the radioactive waste exits into the water supply.

387. This is the filtration system

388. that ensures that the water has zero possibility

389. of any contamination causing mutations.

390. - Come with me. - Did you...?

391. Hello. Could I speak to Otto Hill, please? It's one of his henchmen.

392. - Woof woof. - Is that you, Otto?

393. Of course it's me. Now tell me you've caught that hamster.

394. Not exactly, boss, no. He gave us the slip.

395. - Gave you the slip? And the disguises? - No, our disguises were impeccable.

396. - Where is it, then? - Look, it's a hamster.

397. I'm sure he can't have got far. He must be around here somewhere.

398. What?

399. - Hello? Hello? - I think I might have found him.

400. Call you back.

401. Ah!

402. Hello?

403. The fools!

404. Ah!

405. Oh, please!

406. To the cone!

407. It's a giant hamster!

408. The keys! Where are the keys?

409. Come on! Oh, it's open.

410. Ah!

411. Ah!

412. I'm gonna be sick!

413. And the canteen serves a range of hot and cold food,

414. and they do a roast on Wednesdays.

415. - All this and a midweek roast, Nan. - Oh, yes.

416. Come on, men.

417. I understand that the binding energy of the nucleus is released

418. when the atom is assembled from its constituent nucleons.

419. - But what's the mass defect? - Weren't you listening?

420. The mass defect of a nucleus

421. is the difference between the total mass of all its separate nucleons

422. and the mass of the nucleus itself.

423. - That's right. - Of course.

424. Do it!

425. - Fancy a pint? - Come on, men.

426. Look, I know that was wrong, but it felt so right.

427. Anything else you'd like to know at all?

428. Who'd have thought that thermonuclear intra-molecular physics

429. would be so easy to understand.

430. - Abu? Abu? - You're not gonna believe this.

431. You're supposed to be ill.

432. I just caused a major international incident.

433. You hear that? Abu's found the gift shop.

434. - Ah! Buy a phrase book! - Thanks.

435. Enjoy!

436. This atomic winter snow globe's

437. going straight on the mantelpiece.

438. Or eBay.

439. - Ouch! Get off! - What's that?

440. Watch where you're going, mush.

441. That's what happens when you lie concealed on a public thoroughfare.

442. Look at your skin.

443. What's your moisturising regime?

444. Perhaps I should explain.

445. I'm from an ancient race of shell people

446. called the Makuktuksoautrakuherx,

447. which in your language translates as...

448. - Shell people? - Yes.

449. Well, I'm Harry, this is Nan and our hamster Abu.

450. - Yo, dude. - Hi. My name's Barney Cull.

451. - Barnacle. - No. Barney Cull.

452. - Barnacle. - Do you think you could help me?

453. Sorry, mate. Haven't got any spare change.

454. - I'm not homeless. - You're sleeping on a beach, dude.

455. - Just saying. - Come, let me show you.

456. - Actually, it's that way. - That way?

457. So they steal your children?

458. Yeah, and then they sell them to humans as ornaments for their houses.

459. - Well, hello, you. - Help!

460. - Well, that's just sick. - Yeah.

461. Putting something that tacky in your house.

462. - What? - Nan, please.

463. Barney, this is your lucky day.

464. I'm gonna go into that shop and free those kids of yours

465. so that a whole new generation of Makuktuksoautrakuherx may thrive.

466. - How? - With this debit card.

467. Unbelievable! The prices in there.

468. They think because they're the only shop on the beach,

469. they can charge what they like and we'll just pay.

470. Honestly, rip-off Britain or what!

471. - Thanks for doing your best, Harry. - Oh, no. This isn't over.

472. OK, this plan is complicated and dangerous.

473. The slightest error, we may not make it out alive, so listen up.

474. Shh...

475. OK, everything's gonna be fine, guys. Don't worry.

476. Just five minutes, that's all it's gonna take.

477. Where's Abu?

478. Go, go! Go on, go on!

479. - Hey, hey! - Thank you.

480. No need to thank me, ma'am. Just doing me job.

481. Well, that was easier than I thought.

482. Welcome to my home.

483. - It stinks. - Thank you. What's your name?

484. - Thank you. - Your people are so generous.

485. You have done them great service.

486. It stinks.

487. Hmm. Oh!

488. - What's that? - Creamed blubber.

489. It would be an insult to refuse it.

490. - Great. - Go on.

491. - Cheers, everyone. - Down the hatch, Harry.

492. Oh.

493. - Go on. - Chewy bit.

494. You're embarrassing me.

495. - Come on. - It's warm.

496. That's me boy.

497. He drank it!

498. They fall for it every time! Priceless!

499. That's my kind of humour.

500. I drank it.

501. Eh?

502. I am Conch, King of the Shell People,

503. Lord of the Estuary, Protector of the Rock-Pool Realm

504. and current Champion of the Crustacean Amateur Darts League.

505. We are here to honour three brave heroes

506. whose noble deeds and selfless actions,

507. with only superficial knowledge of our race...

508. - Who's that? - Michelle, the Conch's daughter

509. and the most beautiful shell woman in the entire kingdom.

510. That she is.

511. I bestow upon you the keys to the Rock-Pool Realm for a period up to

512. and including six weeks. Terms and conditions apply.

513. So, without further ado, let us party!

514. So I'm like 50 feet tall and spitting fire bombs

515. and there's lasers coming out me eyes.

516. And then this tank turns up. Yeah.

517. - Do you know what he's saying? - Not a clue.

518. But the man's a hero, so show a little respect.

519. He's like so cute.

520. You seem like a really interesting guy.

521. - You speak hamster? - I get by.

522. Come to the bar. I'll buy you some blubber.

523. - So what's your name? - Rihanna.

524. Wow!

525. I'm afraid that seat's taken...

526. by the most beautiful girl in the world.

527. My mother warned me about men like you.

528. I find that hard to believe. There are no men like me.

529. They say an arrogant man is just compensating.

530. The only compensation I'm seeking

531. is for a fall I had at work which wasn't my fault.

532. Seriously, I'm owed like four thousand pound.

533. - Is that supposed to impress me? - No. This is.

534. Stop that!

535. Outrageous.

536. The ancient laws clearly state

537. that 'inter-species carry on' is strictly forbidden.

538. - Yes. - How can you stand in the way of love?

539. He's right, Harry.

540. As much as it hurts, we can never be together.

541. I'd be banished from my home.

542. And?

543. - No! - Goodbye, Mr Stinkpot!

544. I couldn't breathe.

545. There was water everywhere. My eyes were stinging.

546. There's no way I could live down there.

547. You made the right decision.

548. Maybe I was too hasty. We could have made it work.

549. I could have invested in a snorkel.

550. To be honest, I wasn't sure about the smell either.

551. - No, she was a nice girl... - Not the right one for you.

552. Nan. stop the car!

553. Free stick of rock. Well, this certainly needs looking into.

554. - You look like a good sport, sir. - Do I know you?

555. Absolutely not.

556. Beat the champ to win the prize.

557. He's tiny. It'll be like taking candy from a baby.

558. - Harry. - Literally. It doesn't seem fair.

559. This is a wind-up. There's bound to be a catch.

560. Well, Abu, if you insist. I'll do it.

561. I won't be too hard on him, Nan.

562. If you could just sign this disclaimer before we start.

563. - Disclaimer, of course. - Don't sign it, you mug.

564. - Thank you. - Not at all.

565. In the yellow corner, the challenger,

566. Harry 'Insert Nickname' Hill!

567. Boo!

568. Hey!

569. And in the red corner,

570. Kisko 'The Piston' Kalashnikov.

571. Nan, start the car.

572. But I thought I was fighting the little guy.

573. I'm just here to watch.

574. 12 rounds, win is by knockout,

575. and if Harry loses, he loses his hamster,

576. as stated in this contract.

577. - What did I tell you? - It's a stitch-up.

578. - Abu, there's a lesson in this. - Really?

579. When signing any kind of legal document,

580. always be sure to check the small print.

581. Look at him. He's a monster.

582. - Round one! - Go for his soft bits!

583. Keep your guard up.

584. That's it, tire him. Tire him.

585. Turn round! Don't run away!

586. Get in there! Punch him!

587. Weave, Harry! Now get up!

588. Get back in there! Go on!

589. Ow!

590. - Ow! - Ugh!

591. Yes! Yes!

592. This is it, Harry. Last round.

593. Sorry, Abu.

594. - I don't think I can win. - Do you think?

595. He's like the offspring of Mike Tyson and a troll.

596. - We've had it. - I know what the problem is.

597. We never gave you a training montage.

598. Of course.

599. Bob and weave, one, two. One, two!

600. Right, let's go and win that fight. Go on.

601. Ooh!

602. Oh!

603. No!

604. - Yeah! - Harry, get up! Get up!

605. One! Two!

606. Get up!

607. I ain't scared of you!

608. Three!

609. Four!

610. Tickle him.

611. Tickle him. Tickle him.

612. Tickle him.

613. Tickle him!

614. Eh?

615. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

616. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

617. Tickle, tickle, tickle.

618. Tickle, tickle, tickle.

619. Yeah!

620. Harry! Harry!

621. Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry!

622. Oh, damn!

623. Don't look at me like that. Don't judge me.

624. I'm still your little boy.

625. Oh, so now you're siding with her? Thanks a lot, Dad!

626. Help. Help.

627. - We've run out of petrol. - Why didn't you stop for some then?

628. To be honest, I fell asleep just after you did.

629. It's a miracle we're alive.

630. There must be a petrol station round here somewhere.

631. - Abu, wait in the car. - Can you get me a Twix?

632. Of course.

633. I almost forgot.

634. Every year hundreds of animals die needlessly in hot cars.

635. So if you are leaving your pet, even for just a minute,

636. always remember to wind down a window.

637. And a copy of 'Nuts'.

638. Sorted. Respect due.

639. I might buy some charcoal briquettes. They're always handy.

640. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

641. Nan? Ah!

642. You two, get away!

643. Mind your fingers!

644. Three pound on the nose. You haven't lost your touch, Nan.

645. Could I interest you in our car wash?

646. Maybe. There's so many different types.

647. - What's the difference? - Wouldn't you like to know?

648. So what do you want, then?

649. We don't actually have our car with us.

650. You made us sing that massive song for nothing?

651. Well...

652. Some people!

653. - Disco car wash song. - Time wasters!

654. Yeah, very original.

655. Right, grab him. Let's go.

656. - Help! - It's them.

657. Harry! Help! They're getting away!

658. Harry!

659. Where's all the petrol gone, Nan?

660. For God's sake, Nan. I thought you'd completed all 12 steps.

661. Well...

662. Well, it doesn't matter, does it? We're not going nowhere. Look.

663. Abu, if you were hot, you could have nuzzled up to the open window.

664. That's just vandalism.

665. Huh!

666. He got away?

667. Huh?

668. And that's the best you've got, is it? He got away?

669. Yeah.

670. I mean, how hard can it be to catch a hamster?

671. We tried our best. It's been more difficult than we thought.

672. Yes, I dare say it was difficult trying to find a frock

673. to fit a seven-foot lump like him.

674. Actually, many of those were my designs.

675. My mother has a sewing machine.

676. While you've been playing dress-up, I've been forking out.

677. Have you any idea how much all of this has cost?

678. Take a wild guess. Don't. I'll tell you.

679. £12,000, yeah?

680. I think you'll agree that's rather a lot of money.

681. We really are sorry.

682. I must have the hamster by tomorrow or it will all be for nothing!

683. I know the date's arbitrary, but if I don't set some sort of deadline,

684. nothing ever gets done around here.

685. Which is why I have decided to get you two a little help.

686. So, are you really as good as they say you are?

687. Oui.

688. Excellent.

689. - La master du disguise. - Huh.

690. - Hey, hey! - Come on.

691. - Well, forget that. - Probably a serial killer.

692. 106 miles, walking?

693. You sure you haven't got change for the megabus?

694. Oh... Ah.

695. - A shell? - Harry. Harry?

696. Harry. Harry.

697. Abu!

698. - What you doing? - Nothing. Just...

699. At this rate we'll never get to Blackpool.

700. It's stopping! Come on, Nan.

701. Hi, guys. Need a ride?

702. - Do we know you? - Oh, come on.

703. Know them? That's international teen singing sensation, Justin Bieber,

704. and his equally famous girlfriend... Erm...

705. That's not Justin Bieber. Are you blind?

706. That's it. Selena Gomez.

707. And may I say you're looking delightful.

708. It's amazing how different celebrities look in real life,

709. because you look like a fully matured man.

710. Do I? How funny, because I'm definitely Justin Bieber.

711. I'm only 16 or something.

712. What, and you left your monkey at the airport?

713. - Justin, your hair is... - Luxuriant and beautiful?

714. Yes, everyone always comments on my trademark haircut.

715. See?

716. - Nan, this guy's a mess. - I know.

717. Now we're all best friends, I'd like to give you these front-row tickets

718. to see an amazing band.

719. - Band, Justin? - Yes.

720. The greatest living all-canine 'Jackson 5' tribute band.

721. 'The Dachshund Five'. I'm their manager.

722. No, you're not. You're a hamster-snatching psychopath.

723. Don't gush, Abu. Forgive my friend. He's a massive fan.

724. Driver, are we there yet?

725. Almost. How do you say? 30 minutes.

726. And then it's show time.

727. We're here, Abu.

728. Smell that Blackpool air.

729. I could murder a kebab.

730. Hey, hey, mind my tail.

731. Merci.

732. Oh!

733. Great seats.

734. Now, a novelty T-shirt and cushion for you, Abu.

735. And, Harry, I got you a hat and this 'Dachshund Five' aftershave.

736. Wet Dog. Hmm. Nothing for yourself, Nan?

737. Oh, yeah. I had this done.

738. - That's a bit hardcore. - Dear God.

739. Wait till you see the one I had done here.

740. It's starting.

741. Which one's Michael Dachshund?

742. - Second from the end. - No, that's Jermaine.

743. Is it? Oh, yeah.

744. Oooh!

745. It's great.

746. Oh!

747. - He's gonna moonwalk! - Go on.

748. Michelle? It's Michelle!

749. - Tell her to call back. - But she's here.

750. How come you're in Blackpool?

751. Come on!

752. - Get in the... - What about me cushion?

753. Harry! Harry!

754. - All right, Abu? - Oui.

755. I wanna go for a...

756. - Harry! - Michelle!

757. What are you doing here?

758. I ran away from my dad to be with you.

759. No, I mean what are you doing in here? This is the gents.

760. - I said to meet in the lobby. - I couldn't wait another moment.

761. I've been so miserable since you left.

762. - I think... - Yes?

763. - I love you. - I think I love you too.

764. - Oh, Harry! - Oh, Michelle.

765. - Towel? - Lovely, thank you.

766. Come on, don't be shy.

767. Great news, guys. We've decided to give it a go.

768. Harry. Quick word.

769. - I really hate... - What?

770. - I said I... - I can't hear you!

771. I said I really hate Michelle!

772. She's got a face like an oyster's backside and her breath stinks of fish!

773. Awkward.

774. Yahoo!

775. Watch the... And ooh...

776. And again.

777. Oooh.

778. Chip... nose...

779. All right, this has gone on long enough. Shake hands.

780. Yeah, yeah, real mature.

781. You steppin' to me fam? 'Cause I will bruck you up!

782. - Yeah, bring it fam. - No, Abu, you're allergic to fish.

783. Num, num, num.

784. Hang on a minute. That's not Abu.

785. No, it's a specially adapted hoody. Who are you?

786. Je m'appelle Renard Depardieu, the master of disguise.

787. - Which guys? - Disguise.

788. - I don't see any guys. - Not 'these guys'. Disguise.

789. Never mind that. What have you done with Abu?

790. - The hamster? - Yes.

791. He has been kidnapped by these guys.

792. - How can you be kidnapped by a disguise? - Not 'disguise'.

793. - These guys. - Think he's saying 'these guys'.

794. - Voila. - I knew that. - I was just playing along with him.

795. - What have they done with him? - You will never find out.

796. - Ha! Au revoir. - Oh.

797. Sing it, Kisko!

798. The stick of rock. That's it!

799. Abu!

800. Abu!

801. Come home!

802. Bring yourself home!

803. It's all getting a bit 'Les Misérables', isn't it?

804. - Harry, look. - Eh?

805. Yeah, shocking, innit? Especially when there's a bin just there.

806. Barbecued beef.

807. No. It can't be.

808. I'd recognise that look anywhere. That's your flashback face.

809. You're right, Harry, and I think I know where we'll find Abu.

810. Follow the smell of barbecued beef.

811. A key!

812. Ow!

813. Ah!

814. Give me a biscuit and nibble my hoops.

815. If it isn't my brother's hamster.

816. I've been expecting you.

817. Bit loud.

818. Come on.

819. - What about Michelle? - Forget about her.

820. That girl's only good for one thing.

821. A knob of garlic butter and a side order of fries.

822. - Nan! - Come on.

823. Start again. One...

824. Two... three... four... five...

825. 42,003... 42,004... 42,005...

826. I'll never eat another barbecued beef Hula Hoop as long as I live.

827. Oh, look, Nan.

828. Harry, I think we should get out of here.

829. - Shh! - Not without Abu.

830. Face it, if this was a film and you saw that,

831. what would you be shouting at the screen?

832. Turn around! Go back!

833. I know, but we must save Abu.

834. 'This is it.'

835. Otto!

836. Welcome back to Blackpool.

837. Fancy a Hula Hoop?

838. It's like looking in the mirror, only at Halloween.

839. Ah Harry, always the joker.

840. Perhaps this will wipe the smile off your face.

841. Harry!

842. They've got me!

843. Abu!

844. Well, who did you expect? Kermit the flipping frog?

845. What do you want, Otto? Years ago we were separated.

846. - Why now? - The hamster, Harry.

847. The hamster I never had.

848. You always got everything, didn't you? The house, the toys, her!

849. While I was sleeping rough

850. with a pack of stray dogs next to the M6, living off Pedigree Chum.

851. Have you any idea what it's like

852. to have to lick your own bum, just to fit in?

853. I can't say I have... Once.

854. Once.

855. Everything in my world was out of my control,

856. which is why I built a new world, a perfect world,

857. where I control everything.

858. Harry!

859. - Plastination! - Yeah!

860. Hang on a minute, how did you know that?

861. Just a hunch.

862. Plastination! Such a wonderful process.

863. It gives the effect of taxidermy while keeping the animal very much alive.

864. Just to take the curse off it, you know.

865. Now, prepare Abu,

866. he's my centrepiece,

867. a tiny hamster Harry Hill,

868. to be beaten by a tiny hamster me, for eternity!

869. You're an evil twin!

870. I know.

871. Help me, please.

872. Let's have some music.

873. Vet! Commence plastination.

874. - No! - I have got a name, you know?

875. - Harry! - Good, innit?

876. Worst holiday ever!

877. - No! Abu! - Stop it, please!

878. I'm coming!

879. Fight. Thank God!

880. Get her, Kisko.

881. Ha!

882. Kung Fu sequence eh? Bit old hat!

883. See how you like my Nan Fu! He-ya!

884. How come you always had the runny egg?

885. I thought you preferred hard boiled!

886. Ow!

887. Why did you never let me have a go on your Chopper bike?

888. - I thought you preferred the Grifter bike! - Get off me!

889. No! Brrr!

890. Hot, hot, hot, hot...

891. Nan!

892. No! Please! Not me! It looks hurty!

893. Nan! Help me!

894. - Harry! - What did you do that for?

895. Sorry, I never could tell you two apart.

896. That's how come I sent Otto away in the first place.

897. What?

898. Fine. I'll do it myself.

899. Oh, you dirty boy.

900. Vet! Release the brains!

901. Come to Daddy!

902. The brains are coming!

903. Ah! Quick, Nan! Run!

904. That-a-way.

905. What the...?

906. I'm off!

907. Later!

908. - The doors locked! - Play your recorder then!

909. Just my luck! Music lovers!

910. Who's for a headache?

911. Heard you were in a spot of bother H!

912. Barney! Where did you get the rocket launcher?

913. Door to door arms dealer. Got his number off the chickens.

914. There's someone who's been looking for you.

915. - Harry! - Michelle!

916. I knew you'd come back.

917. It seems I was wrong about you, fish face... I mean Michelle.

918. - Right, let's rescue Abu. - Or stay here and kiss some more?

919. - Harry. - He's only got a few days left anyway.

920. - Alright then. - Come on. Abu!

921. Fatima!

922. Achmed!

923. Steve?

924. - Abu! - Harry!

925. What?

926. No!

927. You're coming with me.

928. Abu!

929. Abu?

930. Come quick! Take a look at this!

931. Coming.

932. Blimey! He got up there fast!

933. - Abu! - Help!

934. You got 20p? Nan!

935. - You got a...? Anyone? - No.

936. You lot wait here. I'm gonna go and get him.

937. - I can't believe the lift wasn't working. - Ah!

938. You'll never get away with this.

939. - Just watch me! - Harry!

940. Oh!

941. Seriously, who climbs Blackpool Tower in those shoes?

942. Careful, Harry!

943. You've got nowhere to go, Otto. Hand him over!

944. That's certainly one option, or I could just do this.

945. Harry!

946. Au revoir.

947. Ow!

948. Get off! Get off!

949. Hold on.

950. Nan!

951. - Guess who? - Harry!

952. I'm coming, Abu. I'm coming.

953. Nan and Harry! Hurrah!

954. Try and get closer, Nan.

955. I expect you're wondering how I learnt to fly a helicopter?

956. Well, I spent three years out in 'Nam flying the old H-46's for the green berets.

957. I was first out of Saigon when things started to get sticky,

958. and I've spent the last 8 years ferrying the Pope to corporate engagements.

959. Roger that, Harry. On my way.

960. - Stop flapping and start scrapping. - Undo his buttons, Abu!

961. Give me my hamster!

962. Bite him where it hurts!

963. You two are about as helpful as a bag of farts.

964. Do something!

965. You know what? I think we're working for the wrong brother.

966. You spoke?

967. Yeah. I choose my words carefully.

968. It's all over, Otto!

969. It is now!

970. I'm slipping!

971. Well, hold on with both hands, then.

972. And let my trousers fall down? Dream on!

973. - Hey, boss. - What?

974. Ah!

975. Well, that's higher than it looks.

976. - I'm slipping! - Hold tight, Abu.

977. - Harry! - Ah!

978. Oh!

979. - Take us down, Nan. - Roger that.

980. Nan to Control Tower.

981. Permission to land on a double yellow line. Over.

982. Clear to land. Over.

983. Are you all right?

984. Sorry about all that plastination business.

985. What? You've got a nerve.

986. Don't mention it.

987. - Harry! - Ow.

988. Well, Abu. At least you finally got to see the Blackpool Tower.

989. - Hey! - Michelle.

990. - Ow. - Come here, you.

991. Make way for the king!

992. Excuse me, king coming through.

993. Your Majesty.

994. Harry, I was wrong about you.

995. You are a true hero.

996. Maybe there's something in this interspecies carry-on after all.

997. I give you permission to marry my daughter.

998. Marry? Who said anything about marriage?

999. What's the rush? Maybe cohabit first?

1000. After all... there's plenty of room for everyone.

1001. - Even for me? - Not so much.

1002. That's it. Go on, cart him off. That's it. Get out of it!

1003. I'm just pleased to see a happy ending.

1004. Abu, what's that you're sucking?

1005. A green felt tip pen?

1006. That's why he's been throwing up.

1007. Where did you get this?

1008. Sorry, Harry. I planted it in your house.

1009. Hamsters love to suck on a felt tip but it makes them sick.

1010. I knew you'd bring him to my vet's surgery and then I could steal him.

1011. Right, so you didn't think to steal Abu then? When you gave him the pen?

1012. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

1013. Well, the good news is: he's not going to die any time soon.

1014. So you're blaming me for the whole caper?

1015. Nonsense, Abu. If you hadn't sucked that green felt tip

1016. I never would have met my Michelle.

1017. How come you can understand Hamster now?

1018. We all can! It's a conceit to speed up the end of the movie!

1019. I'll take him down the station, Mr H.

1020. Not yet, Officer. We'll need him for the finale song.

1021. Ooh.

1022. Yay!

1023. I know I can count on you...

1024. Sometimes I feel like saying 'Lord I just don't care'

1025. But you've got the love I need to see me through.

1026. Sometimes it seems the goings just too rough

1027. and things go wrong no matter what I do.

1028. Now and then it seems that life is just too much.

1029. But you've got the love I need to see me through.

1030. You've got the love.

1031. You've got the love You've got the love.

1032. You've got the love You've got the love.

1033. You've got the love You've got the love.

1034. You've got the love You've got the love.

1035. Come here.

1036. You've got the love You've got the love.

1037. You've got the love You've got the love.

1038. You've got the love You've got the love.

1039. You've got the love You've got the love.

1040. You've got the love You've got the love.

1041. Sometimes I feel like saying 'Lord, I just don't care'

1042. But you've got the love I need To see me through.

1043. Yay!

1044. Put that can down, Nan, you've had enough.

1045. - Sorry, Harry. - Nice one, Nan.