The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special (2022)

Directed by James Gunn

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Chris Pratt as Peter Quill / Star-Lord • Dave Bautista as Drax • Karen Gillan as Nebula • Pom Klementieff as Mantis • Vin Diesel as Groot (voice) • Bradley Cooper as Rocket (voice) • Sean Gunn as Kraglin

United States of America • Adventure • Comedy • Science Fiction

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It was Christmas Eve, babe

2. In the drunk tank

3. An old man said to me

4. Won't see another one

5. And then we sang a song

6. The Rare Old Mountain's Dew

7. I turned my face away

8. And dreamed about you...

9. Hey, this one looks good.

10. What in the fires of Ogord y'all think you doing?

11. Hey, Captain. We're just, uh... Have you ever heard of Christmas?

12. What?

13. Well, it's a celebration we have once a year on Earth,

14. where everybody gets presents for each other.

15. So, me and Kraglin made this tree and we got gifts for everyone.

16. It was Pete's idea.

17. Eh...

18. - And this one here's for you. - Don't come at me with no damn gifts.

19. What a Ravager gets, he works for. We ain't about no damn handouts.

20. - It's more like a sign of appreciation. - That sounds more like sentiment, boy.

21. That may be okay for you mushy types on Terra,

22. but out here in the cold rigors of space, it's what'll get you killed.

23. And you, you ought to know better.

24. Now, get this crap out of here.

25. If it ain't out of here before I get back,

26. you're both gonna be cleaning the latrines for the rest of the damn year.

27. - But that's Gef's favorite job. - You talking back now, Kraglin?

28. No.

29. I hate Christmas!

30. And that's how Yondu ruined Christmas forever.

31. That is so sad.

32. I like the part where Yondu kicked over the tree.

33. Anyways, I just saw on the Multi-calendar

34. that right now on Earth, it's almost Christmastime.

35. So, yeah, it kind of brings back some memories.

36. Yondu had a point.

37. Ever since buying Knowhere from The Collector,

38. we don't have time for trivialities like Christmas.

39. This place needs a lot of fixing up before it's livable.

40. - Yeah, I reckon we've got work to do. - Yeah.

41. That was such a heartbreaking story.

42. I know. I hate stories where everybody lives.

43. - Thank you. - Yeah.

44. Cosmo, what use is telekinesis if you can't even aim?

45. You wanna do it? Do it.

46. Just concentrate, you stupid mutt.

47. What?

48. I refuse to do any more work while you demean me.

49. All right, all right. I'm sorry. Chill out.

50. Also, I want one of those delicious treats in that bag.

51. All right, that's it. Back to work.

52. Here he comes.

53. Hey, Peter.

54. Oh. Hi, Bzermikitokolok.

55. My bandmates and I have been mastering

56. these old Earth instruments and working on a little ditty.

57. And I thought you might be able to help us out

58. as it's about one of your Earth traditions.

59. - Oh? - Christmas.

60. Oh.

61. Everything I know about Christmas, I learned from Rocket,

62. who learned from Cosmo, who learned from Kraglin,

63. who learned from you.

64. So I thought I might just take it back to the source

65. and make sure I understand this all correctly.

66. This is, after all, a historical document.

67. - Okay. Yeah, sure. - Okay.

68. Out on the third planet closest to the sun

69. There's a special celebration And it sounds quite fun

70. A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone

71. On a holiday they call Christmas

72. That's perfect. Good. Bzer, good job.

73. Now I'm not gonna lie

74. Oh, there's more.

75. It makes no sense to me

76. But here's what I've discovered about this Christmas mystery

77. I'm super busy. Is this a long song?

78. One, two, three.

79. Santa is a furry freak with epic superpowers

80. He flies to every human home in under 14 hours

81. He's a master burglar

82. No.

83. A pro at picking locks

84. No.

85. If you don't leave milk and cookies out

86. He will put dung in your socks

87. That is not part of the lore at all.

88. If you act nicely through the night

89. And don't jump on your bed

90. Santa comes with sugar plums and hurls them at your head

91. But if you're on his naughty list

92. He shoots missiles at your toes

93. He might just roast your chestnuts

94. With his powerful flamethrower

95. No, he doesn't have a flamethrower.

96. Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein

97. That's kinda cool.

98. Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer

99. I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

100. He's compelled his creepy elves to do his every wish

101. Huh?

102. One sought to be a dentist Now he's sleeping with the fish

103. Mrs. Claus, she works the pole Plans her man's demise

104. No!

105. Soon the elves will all rise up

106. And stab out Santa's eyes

107. I am Groot.

108. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho

109. Earthlings are so weird

110. That's true.

111. I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

112. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho

113. Earthlings are so weird

114. I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

115. What the heck's a turtledove?

116. And who lit up that deer?

117. I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

118. I don't know what Christmas is But Christmastime is here

119. Or maybe it's there Or it's somewhere

120. I don't know.

121. - You just got these instruments? - Thank you, Knowhere.

122. Have you ever seen a crowd more into it?

123. He loved it, guys.

124. It sounds like Christmas is a wonderful time,

125. and Yondu ruined it for Peter.

126. I feel like I should do something.

127. - Why? - Because of, you know, my secret.

128. The one only you know.

129. That you ate the entire bowl of zarg-nuts in the commissary?

130. - My other secret. - That you're Quill's sister?

131. Why don't you just tell people the truth?

132. Peter's father, our father, killed his mother and tried to kill him.

133. I don't want him to be reminded of that every time he sees me.

134. No, I meant about the zarg-nuts.

135. Oh. I don't think anyone cares about that but you.

136. Maybe because I'm his sister,

137. I feel like I should give Peter a happy Christmas.

138. He's so sad about Gamora being gone.

139. Maybe if we gave Peter a really wonderful Christmas gift,

140. it would make him happy.

141. Well, we could give him those zarg-nuts, except you ate them all.

142. Get over the zarg-nuts!

143. - What kind of present? - Something special he will never forget.

144. - What about someone special? - What?

145. Over the years, Quill has talked about one person more than any other.

146. A legendary hero who has saved countless lives.

147. We could give him to Quill as a present.

148. Kyra, hey, honey.

149. Hey, baby.

150. I can't wait for you guys to get back from New York.

151. - Did you get the stuff? - Yep.

152. Yeah, I got all the presents.

153. Everything is set for the perfect family Christmas.

154. I don't care what the neighbors say

155. Christmastime is near

156. I don't care what anyone says

157. Christmas is full of cheer

158. All I know is that Santa's...

159. Wow!

160. I wonder which one belongs to Kevin Bacon.

161. Drax, why are they staring?

162. You put the cloaking device on like you said you did, right?

163. Yes.

164. I can plainly see that you just did it right now in front of me.

165. - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

166. No, I didn't.

167. I wish I brought Groot.

168. So, we'll go down into the city and ask people where Kevin Bacon is.

169. Do you think Kevin Bacon is the leader of the world

170. or just to most people?

171. - I think everybody. - Oh! I'm so excited.

172. I can hear the sleigh bells coming around the bend

173. Here comes the darkest end

174. Christmas is here

175. Look.

176. Steve!

177. - Why is he running away? - I don't know.

178. - Hey! - No! I'm sorry. GoBots killed his cousin.

179. - I'll rip your head off! - Drax! Stop being a bigot.

180. Oh. Hey, can we get a picture? Come on, guys. Come on. Ready?

181. - Okay, amazing. Thank you so much. - Thank you.

182. We got a picture with the God of War.

183. My dear

184. Is this Christmas?

185. Whatever happened to that festive cheer?

186. Could Kevin Bacon be in here?

187. Don't think I have the energy

188. To add to my already mad rush

189. The perfect gift for me would be

190. Completions and connections left from

191. Last year, ski shop

192. Encounter, most interesting

193. Had his number but never the time

194. Most of '81 passed along those lines

195. So deck those halls Trim those trees

196. Raise up cups of Christmas cheer

197. I just need to catch my breath

198. Give us your finest libations.

199. Have you seen Kevin Bacon anywhere?

200. Why would I know where Kevin Bacon is located?

201. Calendar picture, frozen landscape

202. Chilled this room for 24 days

203. Evergreens, sparkling snow

204. Mmm. More.

205. - Come out and dance with us. - Dancing is for people who are pathetic.

206. - Well, how about a drink then? - Yes!

207. Two shots of tequila, please.

208. I can't believe not a single one

209. of our new homies know where Kevin Bacon is.

210. There are tens of thousands of people on this planet

211. and we don't even know what Kevin Bacon looks like.

212. Said it was like Christmas

213. You wanna know where Kevin Bacon lives?

214. Yes.

215. That's 40 bucks.

216. Uh-oh.

217. I don't know where my money is.

218. Give it to me for free.

219. By the time we got to Oslo

220. Give me all your money.

221. The snow was gone

222. Drax, move faster.

223. It won't be exactly the same as the one you have on Earth,

224. but I'm sure it will serve your purpose.

225. Good. Good. Now I'd like to get going

226. and have the toy shop operating full-blast

227. so that I can return to Earth for Christmas.

228. 'Cause, you know, Mrs. Claus is a very good-natured woman. But...

229. Santa Claus, you will never return to Earth.

230. Wait.

231. Yeah. Can I help you?

232. Yes. We are looking for the legendary Kevin Bacon.

233. We're looking for the legendary Kevin Bacon.

234. I just said that, Drax.

235. Your voice is small and mousy. I think maybe he didn't hear you.

236. He heard. He's Kevin Bacon. He's probably got great ears.

237. I'm sorry, guys. I can't help you.

238. But wait, wait, wait, wait.

239. Hello?

240. Hello?

241. Hello? Hello? Hello!

242. He's gone. Look what you did.

243. You acted weird and you made him not want to talk to us.

244. Sorry.

245. Do you think you can toss me over the gate if you...

246. Ow!

247. - What are you doing? - Tossing you over the gate.

248. I didn't mean right that second. I meant after I was ready.

249. I wasn't even done talking.

250. Toss you over the gate. Don't toss you over the gate.

251. Make up your mind.

252. Whoa!

253. - I want this funny man. - Don't just take stuff.

254. Oh.

255. But I guess that's what it's here for.

256. Kevin Bacon!

257. Kevin Bacon!

258. Kevin Bacon!

259. Kevin Bacon!

260. Kevin Bacon!

261. Kevin Bacon!

262. Okay, guys, I don't know what you're thinking, but this is not cool.

263. This is private property.

264. Now, kindly put down my elf and my candy cane and go.

265. I'm calling the police right now.

266. 911. What's your emergency?

267. You're coming with us. As a Christmas present.

268. 911. Can I help you? Hello? Hello?

269. There's two... I don't know what they are. People in costumes.

270. I want an alien for Christmas

271. Bring me an alien this year

272. I want a little green guy About three feet high...

273. I want an alien for Christmas this year

274. - Wait. - What?

275. I left my little funny man back in the house.

276. - What? - I wanna go back and get him.

277. But Kevin Bacon is gonna get away.

278. But you still have your swirly red and white curly man.

279. How can you possibly think this is a man?

280. - What is it? - I don't know. A shape?

281. Well, how is it fair you get to keep it and I don't?

282. Because I was responsible and held on to it.

283. Drax, do you love Peter and want to save Christmas?

284. Or do you want a little funny man?

285. Uh...

286. - A little funny man. - No!

287. - Mr. Bacon. We got your 911 call. - You gotta get these things away from me.

288. Hey, I'm a police officer.

289. I don't know what's going on here, but you need to back up or I'll shoot.

290. Raise your hands above your head! Stop!

291. Stop. It tickles. Stop. I'm gonna pee my pants.

292. - Sleep. - Hey!

293. - Sleep. - Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

294. Freeze! Get on the ground! Get on the ground!

295. Sleep.

296. Drax! You can't just kill people.

297. Well, how am I supposed to know the rules if no one tells me?

298. Are you okay?

299. We are not doing anything wrong.

300. We are just taking the legendary hero Kevin Bacon,

301. to give him as a present to a friend who is sad about Christmas.

302. Okay.

303. Here.

304. I really wanted this, but we're even now, okay?

305. Sure.

306. That doesn't look like a man to you, does it?

307. A man? No.

308. Of course not. My friend is being an idiot.

309. You would love to come with us.

310. - Hey, where are we going? - First, there.

311. Whoa!

312. Coolness.

313. Shoo bop, shoo bop

314. Sha la la la la

315. Shoo bop, shoo bop

316. I ain't got no time for it now Oh, no, no

317. I got to make this holiday glow

318. Like a lightbulb

319. Are you friends with the Fonz?

320. - Who? - The Fonz.

321. - Fonz. He's a hero, like you. - Have the two of you ever had a team-up?

322. Oh. Well, the Fonz's real name is Henry Winkler.

323. And, yeah, I do know him. He's a very nice guy.

324. Would you consider grabbing dinner, like, one time a team-up?

325. No. Eating together is not a team-up.

326. Tell us, what was it like when you had to save a small town

327. by dancing like an idiot?

328. Oh. Well, that wasn't me.

329. That was a character that I played, Ren McCormack, in the movie, Footloose.

330. What?

331. What about when you fought and defeated

332. the super-strong masked killer Jason Voorhees in the woods?

333. Yeah.

334. Nope. Again, not me. Just a character I played.

335. And he didn't actually kill Jason.

336. He got stabbed through the neck with an arrow.

337. Yeah.

338. He's an actor! He's never actually saved anyone.

339. - But actors are repugnant. - I know.

340. They make me feel gross and creepy when they pretend to be someone else.

341. No. Acting is a wonderful profession.

342. I mean, you don't get to live just one life,

343. you get to live so many lives...

344. We got Quill the worst gift ever. A disgusting actor!

345. - This is the worst day of my life! - We ruined Christmas worse than Yondu.

346. Peter was a child when he left Earth. His memory is all screwed up.

347. He doesn't remember things right.

348. Kevin Bacon, you have to pretend you're an actual hero,

349. or else Christmas is doomed.

350. Blimey, mate.

351. I can't wait to storm them Nazis on the beach.

352. - What are you doing? - I'm a hero, ain't I then?

353. I'm a private in the British Army during World War II.

354. No. Just your regular voice.

355. Oh. Okay. Yeah, sure, fine. Hello. I'm the Batman.

356. - I mean, hello. I'm Bruce Wayne. - Who is Bruce Wayne?

357. No! Don't be someone else. Be Kevin Bacon, but, like, if you didn't suck!

358. That's something.

359. How weird. 'Cause, like, normally, it would really piss me off,

360. but I don't know.

361. Right now, for some reason, I just feel really great about all of it.

362. Hmm.

363. We hate you.

364. We watch the children playing

365. Beside the Christmas tree

366. Presents are wrapped up It's beautiful

367. And secretly the gifts you hide

368. The fun awaits for you inside

369. Christmastime has come

370. There'll be toys for everyone

371. 'Cause Christmastime has come for you

372. I remember dreaming

373. Wishing, hoping, praying for this day

374. Now I sit and watch them

375. The little ones I love

376. So excited by the way

377. Christmastime has come

378. There'll be toys for everyone

379. 'Cause Christmastime has come for you

380. And now the word is given

381. It's time to peer inside

382. Are you kidding me?

383. So anxious for your look of joy

384. Merry Christmas, Peter. From me and Drax and, you know,

385. all of us, really.

386. Christmastime has come

387. There'll be toys for everyone

388. 'Cause Christmastime has come

389. For you

390. Oh! You guys.

391. There'll be toys for everyone

392. What did you do?

393. 'Cause Christmastime has come

394. For you

395. Hey, uh, guys, I'm about to pass out.

396. There's no air in here.

397. Ta-da!

398. You must be Pete. Merry Christmas!

399. It's Kevin Bacon. He's not a loser. He's great. We don't hate him at all.

400. What'd you do?

401. - What? - What did you do?

402. - We got you Kevin Bacon as a present. - You got me a human being as a present?

403. What better gift for the guy who has everything

404. than an actual human living person?

405. This isn't a Christmas gift! This is human trafficking!

406. - Yes! - It was mostly Drax's idea.

407. It was.

408. Hey, Pete, I got to stick up for these guys,

409. because to tell you the truth,

410. I am totally stoked about the whole thing, man.

411. - You used your powers on him, didn't you? - Maybe. I can't remember.

412. Get Kevin Bacon out of the trance now!

413. Just be what you really are.

414. Dude, calm down. We're not gonna hurt you.

415. - That's a talking raccoon. - I'll kill you. Don't ever call me that!

416. Whoa!

417. Sir, sir, sir. Right here, right here.

418. Kraglin, prepare The Bowie for his transport back to Earth.

419. - Aye, Captain. - Mr. Bacon, I am so sorry.

420. This is really embarrassing.

421. I know you're worried sick and your family is, too.

422. We're gonna get you back home immediately.

423. I am Groot.

424. Oh. Suddenly you thought it was a bad idea all along?

425. I am Groot.

426. Dude, I literally just saw you wheel him out in front of everybody.

427. I'm gonna let you go, Kevin Bacon. Don't run.

428. - You're not gonna run? - No, no. No, no, no.

429. - Go get Kevin Bacon. - I've got it.

430. - Don't kill him. - You can't outrun me, Bacon!

431. Hey, that man was a plant.

432. Oh, Groot? He's just a kid. Sorry about all this stuff.

433. What's that on your head?

434. That is a device for controlling a flying arrow.

435. But I ain't quite got the hang of it yet.

436. I know this must all be a shock to you,

437. but it's only 'cause you mean a great deal to Pete that they've done it.

438. Pete didn't have much to love growing up,

439. but one thing he did love was telling us all stories about you.

440. - Me? - You saved a town through dancing.

441. And once, Pete saved the whole galaxy with dancing. For real.

442. You taught him how to be a hero,

443. and now he might just be the greatest hero alive.

444. Mant and these dopes,

445. they was just hoping you'd bring the joy of Christmas back into his heart, is all.

446. Whoa!

447. How on earth do you get reception up here?

448. Couple of good satellite dishes out front

449. will get you anything within about 400 million light-years.

450. Hi, honey.

451. Are you at the house?

452. Yeah, no, I'm just with some friends.

453. Oh, okay. Well, what time do you think you'll be home?

454. Hey, would it be okay if I'm just a little bit late?

455. I got some friends here that kind of need to learn about Christmas.

456. When we are born We are swaddled and snuggled

457. Whispered to, fussed over Tickled and cuddled

458. When we grow up things get muddled

459. And here it is Christmastime

460. Will you stop by for a piece of delicious peach pie?

461. While I tell you my yuletide wishes

462. You can help me do the dishes

463. 'Cause here it is Christmastime

464. And we all want someone

465. Who will love us and hold us

466. To curl up alongside

467. When nights are the coldest

468. And we all want someone

469. Who will hug us and kiss us

470. All I want is you for Christmas

471. Let us examine the holiday spirit

472. Let the small kids sing so we can all hear it

473. Light up a fire and pull the chair near it

474. 'Cause here it is Christmastime

475. Bucky's arm?

476. We all want someone

477. Merry Christmas.

478. Who will love us and hold us

479. To curl up alongside

480. When nights are the coldest

481. And we all want someone

482. Who will hug us and kiss us

483. All I want is you for Christmas

484. When we are born we are swaddled and snuggled

485. Whispered to, fussed over Tickled and cuddled

486. And when we grow up things get muddled

487. And here it is Christmastime

488. And we all want someone

489. Who will love us and hold us

490. To curl up alongside

491. When nights are the coldest

492. And we all want someone

493. Who will hug us and kiss us

494. All I want is you for Christmas

495. All I want is you for Christmas

496. All I want is you for Christmas

497. - The best Christmas ever. - Oh, come on. Bring it in.

498. Okay. All right.

499. - Love you, guys. - We love you, Kevin Bacon.

500. Bye, Kevin Bacon.

501. See you, Kevin Bacon.

502. - We love you, Kevin Bacon. - Hey, I'll see you at Easter.

503. Wow. I guess all actors aren't complete pieces of shit.

504. I can't believe you guys did all of that for me. I mean, why?

505. Why what?

506. Why would you go to the trouble of going all the way to Earth

507. to abduct Kevin Bacon?

508. Kraglin told us the story about how Yondu ruined Christmas.

509. So we wanted to save it for you.

510. I'm not sure Kraglin knows how that story ended.

511. That is so sweet.

512. That's Yondu.

513. I guess I just wanted to do something special for you, because, well...

514. - What? - Your father, Peter.

515. - He might be... - Ego? He might be what?

516. He might be...

517. He is my father, too.

518. Wait. So does that make you my sister?

519. Mantis, that's the greatest Christmas gift I could ever get.

520. - Merry Christmas, Mantis. - Merry Christmas, Peter.

521. I could have been someone

522. Well, so could anyone

523. You took my dreams from me when I first found you

524. I kept them with me, babe

525. I put them with my own

526. Can't make it all alone

527. I've built my dreams around you

528. The boys of the NYPD choir

529. Still singing Galway Bay

530. And the bells are ringing out

531. For Christmas Day

532. - Oh, come on, Groot! - Groot ruined Christmas again.

533. Now we got to have another special.