The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980)

1. It looks like a paradise, but it is, in fact,

2. the most treacherous desert in the world,

3. the Kalahari.

4. After the short rainy season,

5. there are many water holes, and even rivers.

6. But after a few weeks,

7. the water sinks away into the deep Kalahari sand.

8. The water holes dry up, and the rivers stop flowing.

9. The grass fades to a beautiful blond color

10. that offers excellent grazing for the animals.

11. But for the next nine months, there'll be no water to drink.

12. So most of the animals move away,

13. leaving the beautiful blond grass uneaten.

14. Humans avoid the deep Kalahari like the plague

15. because man must have water to live.

16. So the beautiful landscapes are devoid of people...

17. except for the little people of the Kalahari.

18. Pretty, dainty, small, and graceful,

19. the bushmen.

20. Where any other person would die of thirst in a few days,

21. they live quite contentedly in this desert

22. that doesn't look like a desert.

23. They know where to dig for roots and bulbs and tubers

24. and which berries and pods are good to eat.

25. And of course, they know what to do about water.

26. For instance, in the early morning,

27. you can collect dew drops from leaves

28. that were carefully laid out the previous evening.

29. Or a plume of grass can be a reservoir.

30. And if you have the know-how,

31. an insignificant clump of twigs

32. can tell you where to dig.

33. Then you come to light with an enormous tuber.

34. You scrape shavings off it with a stick

35. that was split to give it a sharp edge.

36. You take a handful of the shavings,

37. point your thumb at your mouth, and squeeze.

38. They must be the most contented people in the world.

39. They have no crime, no punishment,

40. no violence, no laws,

41. no police, judges, rulers, or bosses.

42. They believe that the gods put only good and useful things

43. on the Earth for them to use.

44. In this world of theirs, nothing is bad or evil.

45. Even a poisonous snake is not bad.

46. You just have to keep away from the sharp end.

47. Actually, a snake is very good.

48. In fact, it's delicious,

49. and the skin makes a fine pouch.

50. They live in the vastness of the Kalahari

51. in small family groups.

52. One family of bushmen might meet up with another family

53. once in a few years.

54. But for the most part, they live in complete isolation,

55. quite unaware that there are other people in the world.

56. In the deep Kalahari, there are bushmen

57. who have never seen nor heard of civilized man.

58. Sometimes they hear a thundering sound

59. when there are no clouds in the sky,

60. and they assume that the gods have eaten too much again

61. and their tummies are rumbling up there.

62. Sometimes they can even see the evidence

63. of the gods' flatulence.

64. It seems to consist mainly of clicking sounds.

65. They're very gentle people.

66. They'll never punish a child

67. or even speak harshly to it,

68. so, of course, those kids are extremely well-behaved,

69. and their games are cute and inventive.

70. When the family needs meat,

71. the hunter dips his tiny arrow in a brew

72. that acts as a tranquilizer,

73. so when he shoots a buck, it only feels a sting,

74. and the arrow drops out.

75. The buck runs away,

76. but soon it gets very drowsy,

77. and it stops running.

78. After a while, it goes to sleep.

79. And the hunter apologizes to his prey.

80. He explains that his family needs the meat.

81. The one characteristic which really makes

82. the bushmen different from all the other races on earth

83. is the fact that they have no sense of ownership at all.

84. Where they live, there's really nothing you can own,

85. only trees and grass and animals.

86. In fact, these bushmen have never seen

87. a stone or a rock in their lives.

88. The hardest things they know are wood and bone.

89. They live in a gentle world,

90. where nothing is as hard as rock or steel or concrete.

91. Only 600 miles to the south, there's a vast city.

92. And here you find civilized man.

93. Civilized man refused to adapt himself to his environment.

94. Instead, he adapted his environment to suit him.

95. So he built cities, roads, vehicles, machinery,

96. and he put up power lines to run

97. his labor-saving devices.

98. But, somehow, he didn't know when to stop.

99. The more he improved his surroundings

100. to make his life easier,

101. the more complicated he made it.

102. So now his children are sentenced

103. to 10 to 15 years of school

104. just to learn how to survive

105. in this complex and hazardous habitat

106. they were born into.

107. And civilized man, who refused to adapt himself

108. to his natural surroundings, now finds that he has to adapt

109. and readapt himself every day and every hour of the day

110. to his self-created environment.

111. For instance, if the day is called Monday

112. and the number 7:30 comes up,

113. you have to disadapt yourself

114. from your domestic surroundings

115. and readapt yourself to an entirely different environment.

116. 8:00 means everybody has to look busy.

117. I've got a very good story here about handicapped children.

118. Handicapped children? No!

119. You don't print depressing stuff!

120. Uh...

121. Yeah, all right. Look, I'm sorry.

122. I'll only print sweetness and light,

123. even if it bores the pants off them.

124. 10:30 says you can stop looking busy

125. for 15 minutes.

126. And then you have to look busy again.

127. - Hi, Kate. - Hi, Pete.

128. You think you can use this?

129. It's about the shortage of teachers in Botswana.

130. - Good story? - Yeah.

131. They're so short, they'll take anybody

132. who can read and write.

133. Mmm. I don't know.

134. I got bawled out for running a story on mugging.

135. He says my page should only have sweetness and light,

136. like Liberace and Jackie Onassis. I'm sorry.

137. And so your day is chopped up into little pieces,

138. and in each segment of time, you have to adapt

139. to a new set of circumstances.

140. May I share a table?

141. No wonder some people go off the rails a bit.

142. Does the noise in my head bother you?

143. No.

144. Pete, have you still got that story

145. about the teacher shortage in Botswana?

146. Yeah. You gonna use it?

147. No. Maybe they can use me.

148. But in the Kalahari, it's always Tuesday

149. or Thursday, if you like,

150. or Sunday.

151. No clocks or calendars tell you to do this or that.

152. Lately, strange new things sometimes appeared in the sky,

153. noisy birds that flew without flapping their wings.

154. One day, something fell from the sky.

155. Xi had never seen anything like this in his life.

156. It looked like water, but it was harder

157. than anything else in the world.

158. He wondered why the gods had sent this thing

159. down to the Earth.

160. It was the strangest

161. and most beautiful thing they had ever seen,

162. and they wondered why the gods had sent it to them.

163. Xabo got his finger stuck in the thing,

164. and the children thought he was very funny.

165. At first, Xi tried the thing out to cure thongs.

166. It had the right shape and just the right weight.

167. It was also beautifully smooth

168. and ideal for curing snakeskin.

169. And Xabo discovered you could make music on it.

170. And every day, they discovered a new use for the thing.

171. It was harder and heavier and smoother

172. than anything they'd ever known.

173. It was the most useful thing the gods had ever given them,

174. a real labor-saving device.

175. But the gods had been careless.

176. They had sent only one.

177. And now, for the first time in their lives,

178. here was a thing which could not be shared

179. because there was only one of it.

180. Suddenly, everybody needed it most of the time.

181. A thing they'd never needed before became a necessity.

182. And unfamiliar emotions began to stir,

183. a feeling of wanting to own, of not wanting to share.

184. And other new things came,

185. anger, jealousy, hate, and violence.

186. Xi was angry with the gods.

187. He shouted, "Take back your thing! We don't want it!

188. Look at the trouble it brought!"

189. But the gods did not take it back.

190. He shouted, "You must be crazy to send us this thing!

191. Take it back!"

192. Then he shouted, "Look out! Look out!"

193. But he spoke too late.

194. And the thing felled his daughter Xani.

195. Xi carried the thing away from the shelter

196. and buried it.

197. That evening, there was no laughter

198. and no chatter around the family fire.

199. A strange feeling of shame had come over the family,

200. and they were very quiet.

201. Xi said, "I have buried the thing.

202. It will not make us unhappy again."

203. That night, a hyena smelled the blood on the thing

204. and dug it up.

205. But a bad-tempered warthog chased the hyena away

206. from her territory, and it dropped the thing.

207. The next day, Xani found it.

208. Her brother Xoma heard her playing on it,

209. and he said, "Let me try! Let me try, too!"

210. That night, the family was very unhappy.

211. They began to talk about this thing

212. that had come into their lives.

213. They did not have a name for it.

214. They called it the evil thing.

215. Xabo said, "Perhaps the gods were absent-minded

216. "when they dropped the evil thing on the Earth.

217. "They've always sent us only good things

218. "like the rain and the trees

219. "and roots and berries to eat

220. "because we are their children, and they love us.

221. But now they've sent us this evil thing."

222. Xi said, "The thing does not belong on the Earth.

223. "Tomorrow I will take it to the end of the Earth

224. and throw it off."

225. Xabo said, "I think the end of the Earth must be very far.

226. I think you'll have to walk for 20 days, perhaps 40."

227. Xi said, "I will start walking tomorrow."

228. 2,000 miles to the north,

229. in the state of Birani,

230. trouble was brewing.

231. This is 35 million to combat erosion

232. in the Munda Valley

233. and six million for the improvement—

234. Hold it, Minister. We can't—

235. Aah!

236. Get out, mafarra! We need the car.

237. That was Sam Boga's gang.

238. You said they were in Kabinda!

239. That's what I thought.

240. How many got away?

241. There were two jeeps, four got away.

242. Sam Boga was not with them.

243. This time, he's got to die.

244. Find him!

245. And kill him yourself.

246. Bring him here.

247. Where is Sam Boga?

248. Where is your hideout?

249. Bring the one in the corridor.

250. Bring that one.

251. Where is Sam Boga?

252. Where is your hideout?

253. Take them...

254. to the helicopter.

255. They went south.

256. - I'll direct you from the helicopter. - Yes, sir.

257. Gas guzzler!

258. Four of the eight assassins got away in two jeeps.

259. The other four were shot down in the cabinet room

260. by the security guards of the President.

261. Bastards.

262. The assassins were wearing the brown t-shirts

263. which have become the trademark of a terrorist gang

264. led by the notorious Sam Boga.

265. However, eyewitnesses state that Sam Boga himself

266. did not take part in the assassination.

267. It is assumed that he masterminded the attack

268. from a hideout some distance from the capital.

269. Government sources announced that the assassins

270. killed the Ministers of Education,

271. Public Works, and Agriculture.

272. The President, who miraculously survived

273. the hail of bullets with only a flesh wound,

274. will be addressing the nation in a few moments.

275. We did it! We did it!

276. We got the President,

277. and we got five of his Ministers!

278. You didn't, you know. That's him.

279. It was the will of the Almighty that I was spared,

280. but we deeply mourn the deaths of three members of my cabinet.

281. We extend our deepest sympathies to their...

282. He's lying. We got six of them.

283. I saw them go down.

284. You killed three

285. and wounded five...

286. and you lost four.

287. Why do I have to work with amateurs?

288. Did you get away clean?

289. Yes, we were in and out in two minutes.

290. They'll never find us.

291. Attention!

292. What happened?

293. We ran out of gas, sir.

294. How long ago?

295. About 15 minutes, sir.

296. Okay! Let's go!

297. Now you'll tell me.

298. Where is Sam Boga?

299. Where is your hideout?

300. Next time, you're gonna be a bit higher.

301. I'll tell, I'll tell!

302. The banana forest at Dumgaze!

303. I'll tell! I'll tell! I'll show you!

304. The banana forest at Dumgaze!

305. Aah! I'll tell you! I'll show you where!

306. Colonel Gasa, do you hear me?

307. Right here, General.

308. Banana forest at Dumgaze. Follow me.

309. Right, General.

310. The man we want to get is the President,

311. not the bloody Minister of Education.

312. And this time, I'll come with you.

313. We'll get him in his bed.

314. - (helicopter approaching) - Cover up! Cover up!

315. Come on, fanyana! Mount the bazooka!

316. Move it! Move it!

317. Cover that one, too.

318. Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

319. Take cover. You, you go there.

320. Not there, you bloody fool! Get out of that!

321. - Well? - They are there. They are there!

322. You cannot see them, but they're there!

323. Okay.

324. You see? There they are!

325. Okay.

326. Hold it. Oh!

327. Okay!

328. Oh, shit.

329. Cut it out, man!

330. Okay!

331. Hey, hey!

332. Going to be our champion, this one!

333. Quiet!

334. Stand by.

335. Let's go.

336. The most inquisitive creature in Africa

337. is the baboon.

338. Xi said, "That is a very evil thing

339. "you've got there.

340. "You better give it back to me

341. "so I can take it away and throw it off the Earth.

342. "It brought great unhappiness to me and my family.

343. "If you don't give it to me, it'll bring much grief

344. to you and your family, too."

345. He spoke long and earnestly

346. until the baboon began to pay attention.

347. In the end, he must have convinced it,

348. and it dropped the thing.

349. And Xi said, "You have done a very wise thing."

350. So you want to go and do

351. an Albert Schweitzer in Botswana?

352. I just want to get away from all this

353. for six months or a year or...

354. But in the Kalahari!

355. Aw, Mom, it's not in the Kalahari.

356. Botswana isn't all desert.

357. You bloody son of a baronga!

358. Get in there, you murlaja.

359. Why do they always put the bloody nuts

360. where the bloody spanner can't get at them?

361. The oil can go right in my bloody face.

362. Kwamorago unjo!

363. Every year, I lay here on my back

364. like a goddamn hooda-hooda.

365. Cinch it more, you—

366. Keep it down a bit, Mpudi!

367. I'm trying to tune the scanner.

368. Okay, Mpudi. Go ahead.

369. Yeah. Every year you comes here

370. with a bigger and better tent

371. and bigger and better equipment,

372. and every year you turns up

373. with the same son of a maraga,

374. and I have to work my ass off.

375. That's funny. This elephant's dung shows

376. a complete lack of boron.

377. Hello, Reverend. What are you doing on a horse?

378. Uh, I hit a rock with my crankcase,

379. cracked it wide open.

380. The trouble is, I have to meet the new schoolteacher

381. at Mabula today.

382. Oh, boy. Well, you can have that one,

383. but she's in a terrible shape.

384. We've been knocking around in the Khama Do Lot.

385. I, I promised Mpudi I'll work around here for a while

386. so he can have a whole week to patch her up.

387. - Here, Reverend. - Thank you.

388. Get in there you bloody son of a—

389. Animal! Animal!

390. Morning, Mpudi. - Morning, Reverend.

391. Will this thing make it to Mabula and back?

392. She gonna be a bastard to start.

393. Uh, sorry, Reverend.

394. I put in new rings, and they're very tight.

395. But, uh, will she make it?

396. You said I could have a whole week.

397. This is an emergency.

398. What we want to know is will she make it

399. to Mabula and back?

400. I hasn't even looked at the brakes

401. or the steering.

402. - Mpudi! - Okay, she'll make it,

403. soon as I connect up the steering rod,

404. but she gonna be a bastard to start.

405. Sorry, Reverend.

406. There we are, Reverend.

407. She'll be all yours.

408. I don't think I can handle her.

409. I hear Mpudi calls her the Anti-Christ.

410. Well, she is a... thing.

411. I was hoping that... I was ho...

412. I was hoping you could go.

413. Oh, Reverend, I'm very awkward around women.

414. - Yes, aren't we all? - No, it's not like that.

415. When I'm in the presence of a lady,

416. my brain switches off or something.

417. I turn into a complete idiot.

418. Yes. You ought to meet more women.

419. It only gets worse.

420. But you will do this for me?

421. Come on, Prince, come on. Go, boy.

422. Come on, boy. Come on, come on.

423. Okay.

424. Okay!

425. Son of a... Choke!

426. Choke, choke, choke, choke!

427. Ah!

428. You tried to murder me, you son of moraga!

429. Don't ever switch her off or let her stall.

430. - You'll never start her again. - I know.

431. And don't park on a slope. You got no hand brake.

432. Now you tell me.

433. - Good-bye, Reverend! Bye, Andrew.

434. Take care now. Good-bye.

435. Bye, Mpudi.

436. One day, a very noisy animal

437. rushed past where Xi was sleeping.

438. It left very peculiar tracks,

439. as if two enormous snakes had slithered past.

440. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

441. Whoa.

442. Whoa!

443. Ay-yi-yi!

444. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

445. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

446. Ay-yi!

447. Everybody lie down on the ground!

448. All of you! Lie down!

449. Come on, lie down, you, and you.

450. Everybody lie down.

451. Hey, you, didn't you hear me?

452. Lie down!

453. He can't hear you, sir.

454. - He's deaf. - Shut up!

455. Hey, wake up! Come and give us petrol here.

456. Did two jeeps pass here?

457. Yes, sir. They took half my stock.

458. They took a big drum of petrol.

459. They made me to lie down.

460. If you find them, please, ask them,

461. they must pay me my money, sir!

462. It's such a lot of stuff they took.

463. Morning.

464. Uh... Miss Thompson?

465. Yes.

466. - My name— - Howdy.

467. My name...

468. My name is...

469. My name—

470. My name is Andrew Steyn.

471. - How do you do? - I, uh...

472. The Reverend cracked his crankcase,

473. so he asked me to, uh...

474. Uh, thank you.

475. How far do we have to go?

476. How far do we have to go?

477. Oh!

478. Sorry.

479. Hello, Andrew.

480. Hello, Phineas.

481. - Morning, madam. - Good morning.

482. - Aah! - Oh, I'm sorry, madam.

483. - Sorry, sorry. It's all right.

484. I'm too sorry, madam. Sorry.

485. It's all right.

486. What are you doing?

487. What... what are you...

488. Your brakes are shot!

489. - Yes. - What are you doing?

490. I'm opening the gate.

491. How do I get out of here?

492. No. It's all right. I, uh, I...

493. No. I just, uh...

494. Oh, this is too weird. I'm getting out.

495. No, it's okay. I just have to...

496. What are you doing now?

497. I'm closing the gate, but don't worry.

498. Are you crazy? This thing hasn't got any brakes!

499. You're gonna get me killed! Are you crazy?

500. All right, Miss Thompson! It'll come back!

501. What?

502. The Land Rover, it'll come back.

503. What do you mean, it'll come back?

504. It's all right!

505. I suppose you think that was funny.

506. I'm sorry. The brakes don't work.

507. I noticed.

508. Xi saw a very strange-looking person,

509. and he greeted him, but the man didn't hear him.

510. Xi said, "This is a funny stick.

511. Did it grow on a tree?"

512. Aah!

513. He couldn't understand why the man had run away.

514. Then he realized the man must have seen

515. the evil thing he was carrying,

516. and that's what made him run.

517. She stopped.

518. I noticed.

519. Can you start her again?

520. No. We gave her new rings, and they're very tight.

521. How far are we from the mission?

522. About 30 miles.

523. Will we get there before dark?

524. I don't know. This thing is stopped.

525. I noticed.

526. Are you sure you can't start her again?

527. Yes. This morning, it took a horse and three men.

528. - So now what? - Well, I can make a fire.

529. And there's some food and a sleeping bag.

530. Spend the night?

531. I'm afraid so.

532. You're sure this thing stopped?

533. Yes. Didn't you notice?

534. I can carry you across.

535. Then you don't have to...

536. Okay.

537. Aah! Watch it! Be careful!

538. Thank you.

539. - Oh! - I'm sorry.

540. - (gasping) - I'm sorry.

541. Aah!

542. Oh! Look at my dress!

543. My shoes! I've lost my shoes!

544. - Your what? - My shoes!

545. - Aah! - I'm sorry!

546. Well, watch it, buster.

547. I'm sorry.

548. I'm sorry.

549. - I-I'll fetch your bags. - No! Don't! You'll drop them!

550. I'll get them myself.

551. I'm all right. I'm okay!

552. Leave that one. I don't need it!

553. Idiot.

554. Oh, what are you doing? Leave me alone!

555. Don't you dare!

556. Go away!

557. It's all right. She's gone.

558. Keep away.

559. You keep away from me.

560. No, I was... There was this warthog.

561. What warthog?

562. She's gone now, but...

563. Keep away.

564. - I wasn't— - Go away!

565. I wasn't...

566. I didn't...

567. Only about half a mile away,

568. Xi was fixing dinner

569. when he was rudely interrupted.

570. The rhino is the self-appointed

571. fire-prevention officer in Africa.

572. When he sees a fire, he rushes in and stamps it out.

573. Do you work here in Botswana?

574. Yes, I...

575. Yes.

576. - Yes. - And what do you do?

577. I, uh... I collect manure.

578. I...

579. Get away from... Get away from...

580. Aah! No! Leave me alone!

581. Miss Thompson?

582. Miss Thompson?

583. Miss Thompson?

584. - Miss Thompson! - (gasps)

585. Oh, it's all right. He's gone.

586. Who's gone?

587. The rhinoceros.

588. What bloody rhinoceros?

589. Uh, didn't you see him? He stamped out the fire.

590. You stamped out the fire. I saw you.

591. No. He did it first,

592. and I didn't want him to come back, so...

593. - But didn't you see? - Keep away!

594. Miss Thompson, if you make a fire

595. and a rhinoceros sees it,

596. he comes and stamps it out.

597. Rhinos do that.

598. It's a most interesting phenomenon.

599. You get these sudden urges,

600. and then you come up with warthogs and rhinoceroses.

601. All right, I'll show you.

602. I'll make another fire.

603. You think I'm lying.

604. I'll show you.

605. You see, I'm making another fire.

606. You'll see. It'll come back.

607. I'm no liar.

608. Maybe it's too far away.

609. Maybe it's upwind.

610. Mr. Steyn.

611. Ask them. They'll tell you rhinoceroses always stamp out fires.

612. I don't speak the language.

613. Okay, I'll ask them.

614. - See? - I noticed.

615. They're Tawanas.

616. They always shake their heads when they mean to say yes.

617. What are you doing?

618. I'm making coffee.

619. Sir, sir! Some people went through here.

620. They didn't show me their passports,

621. and they smashed down the barrier.

622. They've got guns! This is Frank speaking, sir.

623. Frank, were they traveling in two jeeps?

624. Yes, sir.

625. They are being followed by some armored cars.

626. - Can you see them yet? - Excuse me, sir.

627. Yes, sir, I can see one.

628. - Stop them right there! - Yes, sir.

629. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

630. Frank?

631. Frank.

632. Frank, what was that noise?

633. Frank.

634. I stopped them, sir.

635. Right. Now explain to them

636. that they cannot cross our border under arms.

637. We cannot allow them to violate our territorial integrity.

638. Yes, sir. - This is Lieutenant Mabasha.

639. Request permission to cross your border

640. in hot pursuit of Sam Boga.

641. Sorry, lieutenant. We cannot allow an armed force

642. to come into Botswana.

643. But I've got to get Sam Boga.

644. He shot up half our cabinet.

645. Yes, our police will track him down

646. and hand him over to you dead or alive.

647. Good-bye. Good-bye.

648. Can't they help us?

649. They'll take a message to the Reverend.

650. I think I can get that thing out of the river.

651. There's an electric winch on the front.

652. Ah.

653. Ouch. Ooh. Ow!

654. Mr. Steyn.

655. Mr. Steyn!

656. Miss Thompson?

657. Could you help me, please?

658. Don't look!

659. That's a wait-a-bit tree.

660. You mustn't go near a wait-a-bit tree

661. or they grab you.

662. Could you hand me my gown, please?

663. It's in the suitcase.

664. The, the pink one with the white edging.

665. Ow! Thank you.

666. - Ah. - Sorry.

667. Ow.

668. Ah!

669. It's all right.

670. Ow.

671. Sorry.

672. Ow.

673. Thank you very much.

674. Thank you.

675. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

676. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

677. That morning, Xi saw

678. the ugliest person he'd ever come across.

679. She was as pale as something

680. that had crawled out of a rotting log.

681. Her hair was quite gruesome,

682. long and stringy and white,

683. as if she was very old.

684. She was very big.

685. You'd have to dig the whole day

686. to find enough food to feed her.

687. Go away.

688. Although it was a hot day,

689. she was covering her body with skins

690. that looked as if they were made from cobwebs.

691. She was doing strange and magical things,

692. and it struck him that she must be one of the gods,

693. And he wondered what she was doing down here on Earth.

694. But he was glad he met her

695. because now he could give the evil thing back to her

696. and go home to his family.

697. So he said tactfully that he didn't need the thing anymore

698. and she could have it back.

699. But she was very rude, and she walked away.

700. That's a bushman. How did he get here?

701. I don't know. He's very rude.

702. There was another god.

703. He had a fire inside him.

704. And the smoke came out through his mouth and nostrils.

705. Xi said politely, "It was very kind of you

706. "to send us this thing, but it made my family unhappy.

707. Please take it back."

708. Sorry. No savvy.

709. Where's the truck?

710. I'll try and get it down.

711. There was a peculiar sound,

712. and then Xi saw a most amazing animal approaching.

713. Its legs went round and round instead of up and down,

714. and there was a weird-looking god on its back.

715. He wore a blue skin on his head

716. and a red one on his body,

717. and hair grew on his face.

718. What the hell happened? Where have you been?

719. The Reverend is doing his nut.

720. The funny thing about these gods was

721. that they couldn't speak.

722. They could only make chattering sounds like monkeys.

723. - Hi. - But what happened, man?

724. Where's the Anti-Christ?

725. What the hell did you do that for?

726. Huh?

727. I'll tell you later. Let's get it down.

728. And the little bushman?

729. What's he doing in these parts?

730. I don't know. He was trying to tell me something.

731. You speak bushman?

732. Yeah.

733. The hairy one could speak.

734. He says, "Thank you for the bottle,

735. but you can have it back now."

736. I didn't give it to him.

737. Well, he don't want the bottle.

738. Then he'd better throw it away.

739. The hairy one said, "We don't want the thing.

740. You'll have to throw it away yourself."

741. Xi was very disappointed.

742. He thought it was unfair of the gods

743. to make him throw the thing off the Earth.

744. In fact, he began to doubt

745. whether they really were gods.

746. Get out! Get out! Get out!

747. Get in there! Get in there!

748. Move it! Move it!

749. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

750. Yes, yes, yes.

751. Here comes the great white hunter to the rescue.

752. Miss Thompson, I presume.

753. Hello, Steyn.

754. How would you like to travel in style for a change?

755. Yes, thank you.

756. How do you open this thing? With a can opener?

757. How quaint. Milady.

758. Well, thank you very much, Mr. Steyn, for—

759. Bye-bye, Steyn.

760. Uh, good-bye, Miss Thompson.

761. By the way, I am Jack Hind.

762. Boy, is the Reverend worried.

763. He got to me on the shortwave,

764. so I offered to come and look for you,

765. and that was very sweet of me.

766. Sure was.

767. Would you like to sit over there?

768. Sure.

769. Oh, thank you, Mr. Steyn.

770. See you, Steyn. See you, Mpudi.

771. I don't want to talk about it.

772. She thinks I'm a lunatic, and I don't blame her.

773. You know, she asks me what do I do?

774. And I say I collect manure.

775. I don't tell her I analyze it

776. for my doctoral thesis.

777. I'll bet you she thinks I shovel the stuff.

778. Was it rough?

779. I'd rather not talk about it.

780. Ah, that rough.

781. Well, it won't be long now, and your suffering will be over.

782. Only when you get to the mission,

783. you'll have to stand there

784. and look beautiful for a few minutes

785. while the whole the tribe sings their welcome song at you.

786. Then you can relax,

787. have a bath and a nice breakfast.

788. Is it true that when a rhino sees a fire,

789. he stamps it out?

790. Where did you hear that one?

791. Did Steyn tell you?

792. Why would he want to tell you a thing like that?

793. I'd rather not talk about it.

794. Here. This will put some hair on your chest.

795. That's all I need.

796. And she wouldn't believe me about the warthog,

797. the bloody rhinoceros.

798. What bloody rhinoceros?

799. I don't want to talk about it.

800. So how did this thing get up the tree?

801. She got stuck in a wait-a-bit tree, and I...

802. You know, she's got flowers on her panties.

803. So that's how this thing got up a tree.

804. Yes.

805. Don't I wave or take a bow or something?

806. No.

807. Notorious communist guerrilla leader

808. Sam Boga and his band of assassins

809. have crashed through the border into Botswana.

810. It is believed that they are heading for Mozambique.

811. Well, how many?

812. Not even 300.

813. I told you bastards don't waste ammunition.

814. Now we can't even fight back anymore.

815. All of you switch your guns over from automatic to single fire.

816. must immediately report to the nearest police post.

817. Anyone who withholds information

818. which could lead to the capture of these criminals...

819. That's automatic. That's single.

820. However, citizens are warned

821. that Sam Boga is an extremely dangerous person

822. and that he and his gang are well-armed,

823. so it'll be unwise...

824. And why are you so beautiful?

825. Well, I'm, uh... I'm going to the school to give her these.

826. You gonna look like that?

827. - Like what? - Like it's a funeral.

828. You got to smile, man, and tell her she looks good.

829. How come suddenly you're an expert on women?

830. I got seven wives. How many you got?

831. So why aren't you at home With your seven wives?

832. I know how to marry them.

833. Nobody knows how to live with them.

834. So what did you marry them for?

835. Shee-shee! Someday I have to tell you the facts of life.

836. "And yet we all agree

837. "that every plate we break

838. "was cracked by Mr. Nobody.

839. 'Tis he who tears our books—"

840. Yay!

841. Come in.

842. Good morning, Mr. Steyn.

843. Morning, class.

844. Good morning, Mr. Steyn.

845. I brought you—

846. Please just leave it.

847. Oh, do excuse me.

848. Come in.

849. Come in.

850. Shoe.

851. You don't want to talk about it, huh?

852. Shame.

853. There were some ridiculous-looking animals,

854. but they looked good to eat, and he was hungry.

855. Suddenly, a young boy

856. made chattering noises at Xi,

857. so he greeted him and said, "I shot one of those animals.

858. It'll go to sleep soon, and then we can eat it."

859. But the boy ran away,

860. maybe to call his family to join in the feast.

861. There was a weird sound,

862. and another of those strange animals

863. with the round legs appeared.

864. The young boy and a grownup got out of it,

865. and they seemed very excited.

866. Xi said, "Come sit down.

867. There's enough meat for all of us."

868. But the man was rude and greedy.

869. He took the whole animal.

870. Xi said, "You have very bad manners.

871. "If you want to eat the whole thing,

872. I'll have to shoot another one for myself."

873. The man shouted at him,

874. but he didn't want to have anything to do

875. with such an uncouth person, so he ignored him.

876. Suddenly, there was a thunderclap.

877. The animals ran away, and Xi ran after them.

878. He was very hungry.

879. Do you speak English?

880. You are free to remain silent

881. until you have seen your lawyer.

882. But if you choose to speak now,

883. whatever you say will be taken down

884. as evidence against you.

885. Why are you so beautiful?

886. I got to go to court.

887. What did you do?

888. No, the cops were here.

889. They say they caught the little bushman

890. for stock theft.

891. They say all he can speak is... (speaking native language)

892. so they want me to interpret.

893. Call Xi Xao.

894. Xi Xao.

895. They brought Xi into a place

896. where there were several people.

897. He smiled at them in greeting,

898. but nobody smiled back.

899. Interpreter.

900. You, Xi Xao, are hereby charged

901. with wrongfully and unlawfully slaughtering

902. one goat on the 25th of September, 1980,

903. in or near Motokwe.

904. How plead you? Guilty or not guilty?

905. Mpudi found it very difficult to interpret

906. because in Xi's language, there was no word for guilty.

907. Finally he asked, "Did you shoot an animal?"

908. Xi said, "Yes, I did, but that man took it.

909. He did not want to share it with me."

910. Well, what does he plead?

911. Not guilty.

912. They gave him the death sentence.

913. For killing a goat? No.

914. Three months in jail. Same thing.

915. He gonna die for sure.

916. He never seen a wall in his life.

917. Now he got walls all around him.

918. But didn't you explain to them?

919. They said, "Silence in court."

920. But, surely, they ought to know.

921. Nobody knows the bushmen.

922. Nobody ever goes into the deep Kalahari.

923. How come you know so much about them?

924. Way back when Botswana belonged to the British,

925. I hit a policeman because he insulted my father.

926. So I fled right into the Kalahari.

927. I died, you know. Dehydration.

928. And some of those little buggers found me and they buried me.

929. Only my head stuck up.

930. And for about two weeks, they kept on pushing

931. water and food into my mouth.

932. And when they dug me up, I was nearly white like you.

933. Yech.

934. I lived with them for three years.

935. They're the sweetest little buggers.

936. He gonna die for sure.

937. Can I go to Mahadi tomorrow?

938. You want to go and see little what's-his-name?

939. I want to get him out.

940. Well, don't do anything silly.

941. They got to let him out.

942. Maybe if we explain to them.

943. Are you coming, too?

944. Yes.

945. He says he's sorry.

946. He try to eat the food tomorrow.

947. Has he eaten anything? It's been a week.

948. No.

949. Of course we worry.

950. We can't force-feed him.

951. You've got to let him out.

952. He's got 11 weeks to go.

953. Well, is there no way?

954. Can't we buy him out or something?

955. Well, if somebody wants to employ him as a convict laborer,

956. but he has no experience, no qualifications.

957. He's got qualifications.

958. He could teach you things about plants and animals.

959. Yes. We want to employ him as an ecological expert.

960. He will have to remain in your employ

961. for the full 11 weeks.

962. If he leaves, we'll have to hunt him down

963. and lock him up for a very long time.

964. Okay. Thanks.

965. We can't put him inside.

966. No, you're right.

967. I understand the words, but the meaning?

968. He talks about a bad thing,

969. an evil thing,

970. and about the end of the world.

971. Well, explain to him he has to stay with us

972. for the full 11 weeks.

973. He doesn't know from weeks.

974. All right, we'll tell him when it's okay to go.

975. - Hello, Andrew. Mpudi. - Hello, Jack.

976. I hear you've got a bushman working for you.

977. - Is that him? - Yeah. His name is Xi.

978. Are they good trackers?

979. Best in the world.

980. Mind if I borrow him?

981. One of my bloody guests wounded a kudu,

982. and my trackers can't find it.

983. This is where we lost him.

984. You'll see. He'll find him.

985. Shh.

986. Hey! Hey, wait for us!

987. Scram. Go away.

988. Shoo! Shoo! Get!

989. Go away.

990. Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy!

991. Oy, oy, oy, oy!

992. I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize...

993. I don't want to talk about it.

994. What do you want?

995. Hurry up. Hurry up! Get them out!

996. Come on! Hurry up, man!

997. You can drop those guns.

998. Stand there, little bastard!

999. You want me to let fly?

1000. Now get out...

1001. with your hands up.

1002. Bring out all the kids.

1003. Sergeant, I am going to walk due east

1004. from here to Motambe, and I'm taking

1005. all these kids with me.

1006. If I see one truck or one airplane

1007. or one policeman or one soldier

1008. or one person,

1009. we'll mow these kids down.

1010. Have you got short-wave in there?

1011. Yes.

1012. Now get on to headquarters

1013. and tell them I want a corridor ten miles wide.

1014. The army and the police better clear out everybody.

1015. And they've got to put down food and water

1016. every 20 miles

1017. and then get the hell out of the way

1018. before we get there.

1019. Tell them that.

1020. All right, get them into a circle.

1021. I want a big circle around me.

1022. You've got to leave the small ones here.

1023. It's miles and miles to Motambe.

1024. They'll never make it.

1025. Okay. Now buzz off,

1026. and start clearing out the people from this end

1027. because I want to start marching in two hours.

1028. And I warn you, you better clear out everybody.

1029. Clutch!

1030. Brake! Brake!

1031. Clutch! Clutch!

1032. I'm teaching him to drive just for the hell of it.

1033. Nothing else to do round here anyhow.

1034. Are you still mooning about the schoolmarm?

1035. Hmm. Sort of.

1036. I want to move up to Nioko for a few days

1037. so we can do a game count.

1038. So how's this thing gonna get us through the jungle?

1039. We strip her down.

1040. Come on, Xi! Come on!

1041. (laughs) He don't know from doors.

1042. Stop playing that bloody game.

1043. Okay, it's time. Let's go. Move them.

1044. Come on. Everybody up.

1045. Come on, Miss Beauty. Let's go.

1046. Keep them going.

1047. Keep them in a circle around me.

1048. Move them, move them.

1049. Don't leave any stragglers.

1050. - Keep your paws to yourself! - You shut up, see?

1051. Get them into a circle. A circle! A circle!

1052. Stop yelling at them!

1053. That's not a bloody circle.

1054. Can't you do anything right?

1055. I can't get them into a circle.

1056. They keep on coming up in a square.

1057. All right, then make it a square.

1058. Let them walk in a square.

1059. Keep them going. Don't let them straggle.

1060. Who says they'll come this way?

1061. He says he wants a corridor ten miles wide.

1062. Well, I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

1063. We'll have to get out of the way for now

1064. until he passes this point.

1065. Where can I find Andrew Steyn?

1066. Yeah, you'd better warn him, too.

1067. He's about five miles thataway.

1068. You turn right at the, uh...

1069. Hang on, I'll come and show you.

1070. Johnny, will you take them to Machadi?

1071. Tell them to sing.

1072. Come on, everybody. Sing! Sing!

1073. Wouldn't you know?

1074. Now where the hell do we find him?

1075. They left this morning.

1076. Come on.

1077. They went through.

1078. They'll meet up with Boga for sure.

1079. Is there a way around this?

1080. It's a hell of a long way.

1081. Well, let's go.

1082. Mpudi.

1083. One, two, three,

1084. four, five,

1085. six adult oryx.

1086. He says there are people things down there.

1087. - Where? - Down there.

1088. Army truck unloading something.

1089. I wonder what they're up to.

1090. Looks like food, cooking pots and stuff.

1091. Maybe it's a picnic.

1092. Funny. They're going away.

1093. They went away and just left the stuff.

1094. Yeah, funny.

1095. Oh, well.

1096. One, two, three, four, five, six.

1097. You've got to let them rest.

1098. The smaller ones can't keep up.

1099. They can rest when they get to the food.

1100. You're driving them too hard.

1101. It's a long way to Motambe.

1102. But you said 20 miles.

1103. They can't walk 20 miles without eating.

1104. (echoing) Halt!

1105. Look at that!

1106. I told you stop playing that bloody game!

1107. You've got to let the little ones turn back.

1108. Nobody turns back.

1109. Next thing, everybody's gonna get sore feet.

1110. Next one drops out, I shoot him.

1111. You, you, help her.

1112. If you got to carry her, carry her.

1113. If I catch you playing again, by god...

1114. (echoing) March!

1115. They can't march 20 miles!

1116. (echoing) They're not soldiers!

1117. If they want to eat, they'd better march 20 miles!

1118. Are you scared it'll spoil your image

1119. if you admit you made a mistake?

1120. Halt!

1121. You. Come here.

1122. See that hill over there?

1123. Go to the top and wave this thing

1124. until the army people see you.

1125. Then you go down to them and tell them

1126. Sam Boga made a mistake.

1127. Now I want them to leave food every 10 miles.

1128. Understand?

1129. - Yeah. - Now, get going. Move!

1130. (echoing) March!

1131. One ostrich and four, five, six, seven—

1132. A lot of children.

1133. The food must have been left there for them.

1134. Hey, what the hell? They've got guns.

1135. The kids? No.

1136. There are men down there with guns.

1137. It's no picnic.

1138. I think those kids are hostages.

1139. What was that on the news about Sam Boga?

1140. You reckon?

1141. That man said I must go to the top,

1142. and I must wave my conga.

1143. So Miss Kate said 20 miles is too much.

1144. Is she down there?

1145. Yes.

1146. We'll have to immobilize them.

1147. Are bushmen good stalkers?

1148. Best in the world.

1149. Let him have a look at them.

1150. All right.

1151. Explain to him that the men with the guns are bad men,

1152. and we have to put them to sleep.

1153. He want to know

1154. how did all those people get in there?

1155. No, no, they're not, uh...

1156. You explain.

1157. One hour, then we move.

1158. I'm going to have a snooze.

1159. "Dear Miss Thompson,

1160. "your abductors have been injected

1161. "with an immobilizer.

1162. When they go to sleep, you must disarm them."

1163. Tell him he must give her the note

1164. only after he's shot all the men.

1165. And when he shoots, he must pull back

1166. on the thread very quickly

1167. so the man can think it was a horsefly or a wasp

1168. that stung him.

1169. Mm-hmm. He's fast. It'll work.

1170. He must dip the needle each time.

1171. I can't see the little bugger.

1172. Yeah, I see him.

1173. Now, look at that.

1174. Yeah, he's clever.

1175. Eeeh!

1176. Oh!

1177. Eesh!

1178. Oh!

1179. Nothing's happening down there.

1180. It takes time.

1181. Who are you?

1182. Some of those guys are down.

1183. She's going to need help when they wake up.

1184. Hey, Jafta. Wake up, man.

1185. You got to wake up.

1186. Come on. You can't sleep now.

1187. Come on.

1188. We need some rope to tie them up.

1189. - There's plenty in the Land Rover. - Okay, I...

1190. No, he can fetch it. I didn't teach him for nothing.

1191. (chuckles) Says he don't understand the gears.

1192. Told him he can drive in any gear.

1193. Okay, let's go!

1194. And you take that one, and you, that one.

1195. And I'll take...

1196. There's only six. There should be eight.

1197. Maybe they're asleep as well.

1198. I don't know.

1199. All right.

1200. I want you to circulate among the children quietly.

1201. And tell them that when we grab the guns,

1202. they must run very fast into that crevice behind us

1203. and take cover.

1204. Okay? Good.

1205. Ready?

1206. Go!

1207. Come on, Frans!

1208. Frans, no!

1209. Get down! Get down!

1210. And stay there!

1211. Get back. Get back. All of you.

1212. - Hey, watch it! - Sorry.

1213. - Watch it— - (gunfire)

1214. We got to outflank them.

1215. You go around. I'll keep you covered.

1216. Get back! Get back!

1217. Hurry up!

1218. Kate!

1219. You okay? Yup.

1220. - Who are they shooting at? - I don't know.

1221. Four, five, six.

1222. - There are two missing. - Yeah, this one here,

1223. and I heard some shots from over there.

1224. Look.

1225. Aah!

1226. Roll over.

1227. Here, Mpudi. Hold him.

1228. What happened?

1229. Have you got water in there?

1230. Hold this for me.

1231. Get up.

1232. But what happened, man?

1233. Oh, it's a long story.

1234. What happened to those guys?

1235. Are they all dead?

1236. Did you kill them?

1237. They've been immobilized. They're sleeping.

1238. Where is Kate and the kids?

1239. They're hiding back there. They can come out now.

1240. Oh, my god! Mpudi.

1241. Keep that guy covered.

1242. Kate! It's okay! You can come out!

1243. Kate!

1244. We've got everything under control.

1245. You can come out!

1246. Jack?

1247. Hi, there. The marines have landed.

1248. It's okay. You can all come out.

1249. All right. Come on. Come on.

1250. You're safe now.

1251. Sergeant, you'd better collect those men

1252. before they wake up.

1253. Are you all right?

1254. Did you fix him good?

1255. Yeah. Get up.

1256. Walk.

1257. Ay-yi-yi!

1258. Boy, you had a tough time, huh?

1259. - Watch out! - (children screaming)

1260. Stop fooling around, Steyn!

1261. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

1262. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

1263. Uh, I'm sorry.

1264. That's all right, Steyn. Move.

1265. Milady.

1266. Sergeant, you'd better get on the radio

1267. and organize some buses to take the kids home.

1268. How come suddenly he the big hero?

1269. Ay-yi! We'd better get back to our equipment.

1270. He says thank you and good-bye

1271. and hopes you have lots of children.

1272. Tell him thank you. I'll miss him.

1273. - He can't use that stuff. - Well, I have to—

1274. Bushmen don't know about money.

1275. Well, what else can I give him?

1276. There is nothing here he can use.

1277. Bushmen don't need things.

1278. He's got to take the money. It's the law.

1279. He's going the wrong way. The Kalahari's that way.

1280. Says he got to find the evil thing

1281. and get rid of it.

1282. I don't know.

1283. I'm going to miss the little bugger.

1284. Yeah. Me, too.

1285. You gonna look like that forever?

1286. - Like what? - Like Jack Hind is a better man than you.

1287. No, I'm going to talk to her.

1288. Yeah. Tell her you were the big hero.

1289. I can't do that,

1290. but I do want to talk to her.

1291. I'll tell her...

1292. I'll say, "Look, Miss Thompson...

1293. "I know you think I'm an idiot,

1294. "but normally I'm quite normal.

1295. "It's only when I'm in the presence of a lady

1296. "that I, uh...

1297. "Well, it's really just an interesting

1298. "psychological phenomenon.

1299. "If a man who is susceptible

1300. "to a type of Parafreudian syndrome like this

1301. encounters a nubile female, what happens?"

1302. I suppose another big word happens.

1303. Too erudite, huh?

1304. Yeah, whatever that means.

1305. Okay, I'll put it more simply.

1306. I-I'll say, "Look, Miss Thompson...

1307. "Kate. Kate,

1308. It's really only an interesting psychological phenomenon."

1309. She'll understand that bit. She's a schoolteacher.

1310. I'll say, uh, "When there's no lady present,

1311. I can catch the tiniest insect without hurting it."

1312. If she gets to know me better,

1313. she'll see I'm not such a stumblebum.

1314. All I need is a little practice.

1315. - If I could just— - Wait for me.

1316. You need some moral support.

1317. There she is.

1318. You better do your thing before the pupils come.

1319. Yeah.

1320. Morning.

1321. Morning, Miss Thompson.

1322. Morning.

1323. - How are you? - Fine, thanks. How are you?

1324. Fine, thanks. And how are you?

1325. Eesh!

1326. I'm fine, thank you.

1327. Uh, Kate.

1328. I know you think I'm an idiot,

1329. but I'm not really like that.

1330. It's only when I'm around women...

1331. around you. I'm sorry.

1332. Normally, I'm quite normal.

1333. But whenever I'm in the presence of a lady,

1334. my fingers turn into thumbs.

1335. My brain switches off.

1336. Watch it!

1337. It's flour.

1338. I noticed.

1339. It's actually...

1340. Actually, it's really only

1341. an interesting psychological phenomenon.

1342. Perhaps it's some Freudian syndrome.

1343. That day when I brought you your shoes,

1344. I actually came to apologize

1345. for all the stupid things I did when I met you at Mabula,

1346. and I wanted to explain that I'm not really

1347. as stupid as that.

1348. But then, of course, I blew it, and I...

1349. So I don't blame you if you think...

1350. But it's really only an interesting psychological—

1351. When you get to know me better,

1352. you'll see that I'm not always stumbling—

1353. It's really just

1354. an interesting psychological phenomenon.

1355. Yes, you are a very interesting psychological phenomenon,

1356. and I think you're very sweet.

1357. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

1358. Xi was beginning to think he would never find

1359. the end of the Earth.

1360. And one day, suddenly, there it was.

1361. Subtitled by Point.360