The Double (2014)

1. You're in my place.

2. I'm sorry?

3. You're in my place.

4. Oh, I'm sorry.

5. 'HEY! You, - Me?

6. Visitors have to sign in.

7. Oh, wait. I've worked here for seven years. I see you every day.

8. - I don't work weekends. - I'm sorry?

9. It is therefore impossible for you to see me every day. ID.

10. Yeah. Right.

11. - Supplementary ID. - Oh, yeah, the funny thing is

12. I don't have any. It's actually in my case,

13. which is in the door of a train. It got stuck.

14. - You think that's funny? - No, no. It's actually more upsetting

15. - than anything. - Don't make a jest of this or...

16. I won't.

17. Oh, um, actually, my name is Simon James.

18. Uh, you left off the J in my last name.

19. - I need to see your pass. - Right.

20. - Uh-huh. - Okay, sorry.

21. Put your jacket on, son. This isn't a brothel.

22. No shirking. This is the big push.

23. Plenty to do!

24. The Colonel is counting on each and every one of you, as am I.

25. Mr Papadopoulos, actually...

26. Mr Papadopoulos, excuse me, Mr Papadopoulos, I've finished up.

27. In fact, I've completed substantially more than my quota.

28. I took my jacket off only because it's so hot,

29. not because I mistook the office for a brothel.

30. Excellent job. That's the type of initiative we need.

31. How long have you been here, son?

32. - Just started, eh? - Yes, sir, seven years ago.

33. You know, we've been pruning the dead wood.

34. The Colonel refuses to carry any more passengers.

35. Actually, I have some rather exciting ideas

36. I've been wanting to share with the Colonel

37. about how we can make our reports more efficient.

38. I think by using simple regression analysis,

39. we could really reconfigure the entire business.

40. My daughter's name is Melanie.

41. - Oh. Nice name. - She's interning for the holidays.

42. - Say hello, Melanie. - Hello, Melanie.

43. Stanley here is going to be your mentor.

44. - Yes. What? - An hour a day, at your discretion.

45. She's a good girl but no head for figures.

46. Yeah.

47. Idiot.

48. - You can go now. - Right. Yes, thank you. I just...

49. Because if I were to find out how depressing and demeaning

50. whatever the fuck it is you do here,

51. I might be forced to feel sorry for you.

52. Right. Well, I look forward to it.

53. Hi.

54. COPY-

55. - Oh.

56. Why don't you print out two copies? That would make sense.

57. That's would be what a normal person would do.

58. - Sorry. - You can't use this place for one copy.

59. It was the same story yesterday.

60. - Sorry. - You're always sorry.

61. Sorry about that. Just...

62. Hannah, can you stay late? I gotta get this thing lanced.

63. Uh-uh.

64. - One copy. - Yes, please.

65. I know. I know.

66. Yes, Mom, I'll be there.

67. I always work late.

68. I'm trying to leave now. Because I'm talking to you.

69. Yeah. Okay. Yes, bye.

70. Yeah, you can rely on me, okay.

71. (man) People, the ultimate resource.

72. Yet to some businesses, they all look the same.

73. But the Colonel knows people are different.

74. The Colonel knows business is people and people are business.

75. Making your business his business.

76. Because the Colonel knows people.

77. And the Colonel knows that you demand

78. the most powerful data-processing system on the planet

79. to make sense of it all.

80. The Colonel will show you people

81. in a way your business can understand.

82. Because the Colonel knows there's no such thing as special people.

83. (all) Just people.

84. - Which one was you? - Which one? I...

85. I don't know how to answer that. The one... The one that was me.

86. He didn't look like you. He had brown hair.

87. We both have brown hair. I mean, I have, I...

88. We're the same person.

89. - I'm not going to die, ever. - I know.

90. - So you can forget it. - Okay.

91. Will you stop talking? I'm trying to sleep.

92. Your mother says you're a strange boy.

93. - I'm sorry? - Your mother says you're a strange boy.

94. Oh. Thank you.

95. Let me see your hand.

96. Oh, that's okay. I'm fine.

97. You're not right.

98. May I speak with you?

99. Yes.

100. Will you excuse me?

101. Yes?

102. There seems to be a discrepancy in your bill.

103. Oh, yes, well...

104. There was a rather large cost increase and no explanation...

105. There's a new price.

106. - And why is that? - Improvements.

107. That seems a little...

108. - Unfair? - Yeah.

109. Oh, I'm sorry.

110. Okay.

111. - That's all I have. - Yeah.

112. It's not enough.

113. You shouldn't be doing that.

114. Sorry.

115. - And then what did you do? - Sorry?

116. - And then what did you do? - I called the police.

117. Right. Anything else?

118. - He waved at me. - Yeah?

119. - Right before he jumped, he waved. - How'd he wave?

120. Did you wave back?

121. I wonder why he did it?

122. His note said he was lonely. He should've got a dog.

123. Or exercised more. That's important.

124. - Should I write that down? - Maybe in parentheses.

125. - Does that mean brackets? - What the fuck are brackets?

126. - Did he suffer? Splat.

127. Do you see this sort of thing often?

128. Every day. That's what we do, suicides.

129. - Only suicides? - That's right.

130. - For the whole city? - We can barely cover the neighbourhood.

131. You know, the funny thing is he would have landed on that awning,

132. if he'd just jumped a few feet to the right.

133. You see that? He would have fallen,

134. bounced off and landed somewhere about there.

135. Probably would have survived. Horribly maimed, of course, but still.

136. If you get 'em to the hospital quick enough to stop the brain swelling.

137. You're not thinking of killing yourself, are you?

138. - Sorry? - It's a simple question.

139. - No. - Should I put him down as a "no"?

140. Put him down as a "maybe".

141. What are you doing here?

142. The man that jumped? I saw it.

143. - How? - I live in that building.

144. I didn't know him.

145. - He waved at me. - Strange.

146. It's the Colonel's ball tomorrow.

147. Do you think you'll go? I don't know if I'll go.

148. It's mandatory. Everyone has to go.

149. - Hannah? - Yeah?

150. It's terrible to be alone too much.

151. I think it was an orange juice, just...

152. - Are they normally that rude here? - Yes.

153. - Then why do you come? - I think I'm quite loyal.

154. You'll have to hand in your holo-badge and blaster.

155. Come and get 'em.

156. Holster your blaster, Jack.

157. I like this show.

158. I don't mind dying. In fact, I'm getting quite used to it.

159. The way I figure it, you only get one life.

160. Like they say, there's no such thing as second chances.

161. Jack, this isn't you.

162. Then who the hell is?

163. He's in your heart. And he's good and right and true.

164. I was lying when I said I didn't know him.

165. The man who jumped? I kind of knew him.

166. I'd never really met him. I'd more confronted him.

167. He was this person who'd been following me around for a while.

168. And I'd always see him, no matter where I went.

169. Like at the office, on the subway, by my apartment.

170. You know, in that little underpass thing by the apartment,

171. he'd just be there, watching.

172. And I thought, "That's strange."

173. But, you know, whatever. Men look at women, you get used to it. But...

174. Then I found out that he lived above me and I thought, "That's really odd."

175. Like, did he follow me around because he lived in the same building as me

176. and he got fixated or did he get fixated and then move in?

177. So, anyway, eventually I thought, "You know what? Enough is enough."

178. Because it was actually getting frightening.

179. Well, like a little bit frightening.

180. It was more annoying than frightening. So...

181. I went up to him and he looked over his shoulder at me as if to say,

182. "Who, me?" Like he hadn't been stalking me.

183. And so I looked at him square in the eyes and I said,

184. "What do you want from me?"

185. And he starts stumbling and mumbling and says,

186. "I think I'm falling for you."

187. I said, "Do you think just staring at me is some kind of meaningful gesture?

188. "What exactly do you think is going to happen here?

189. "Do you think you know who I am? You know, that if you stare long enough

190. "I'll just turn around one day and I'll kiss you?

191. "Like we're going to somehow be together?

192. "Stop fucking following me!"

193. And he did.

194. - My God, when was this? - Last night.

195. Do you think there's a connection?

196. No. I mean, it sounds like he had a lot of things going on.

197. I mean, maybe he just wanted somebody to notice him.

198. You know, a person can get really sick of just floating by and...

199. But I attract so many weirdos.

200. Anyway, what's your story? When did you move into the building?

201. A long time ago. Yeah, I definitely didn't move in recently.

202. Thanks for this.

203. I feel better.

204. I just got my ears pierced.

205. - That's weird, huh, at my age? - No.

206. I mean, you're not that old or weird. You're just...

207. - Hey. You got a call. - Oh, it's not for me.

208. Frumpy-looking guy named Simon?

209. That's me. Yeah. Would you excuse me?

210. Mom? No, it's just a night terror.

211. No, that didn't ever happen.

212. I know I'm a disappointment.

213. I have to go now. I'm with a girl.

214. Yes, a female girl.

215. I don't know if she's fertile.

216. Thanks for the talk. Maybe see you at the ball.

217. Here, play a song for me. Hannah.

218. - No, nothing, you're not here. - My card hasn't been working.

219. - Why does no one else have to swipe in? - See you in there!

220. Harris. Wait, Harris, he knows...

221. Harris, could you please tell her who I am?

222. I've never seen this man before in my life.

223. You're not here. - I've worked here for seven years.

224. - You're just not here. - Why would I try to break into something

225. - that's mandatory? - You're planning on breaking in?

226. - Do you know what "mandatory" means? - 'Cause that's not allowed.

227. It means that no one even wants to be here.

228. You don't know what I want.

229. I was born in East Virginia

230. D North Carolina

231. D I did love

232. 41 There I met a very pretty baby

233. Her name and age

234. D I do not know

235. 41 Well, in my heart

236. 41 You are my darling

237. 41 At my door

238. D You are welcome in

239. 41 At my gate

240. I'll meet you, my darling

241. 41 If your love

242. 41 I could only win

243. - You're not meant to be here. - I've worked here for seven years,

244. I'm an employee of this company.

245. - You'd be well-advised to let go of me. - Do not test my strength.

246. 41 Still in the night

247. 41 I'm dreaming of you

248. Sir, this is not me.

249. This is not me.

250. No. This is not me, sir!

251. 41 Just the thought of you, my darling

252. 41 Sends aching pains

253. 41 All through my breast

254. I bought you a present but I decided it wasn't appropriate.

255. Hmm?

256. I bought you a present but I decided it wasn't appropriate.

257. Oh.

258. Okay.

259. I really didn't kick it that hard.

260. The hardness of the kick was recorded.

261. - Super. - I don't know what I was thinking.

262. I've never done anything like that before.

263. If I could just trouble you for your card?

264. - Yeah. - Magic.

265. - I'm afraid this card is corrupted. - Corrupted? What does that mean?

266. - Corrupted? - You'll receive a replacement

267. within six to eight weeks.

268. Well, how will I get in and out of the building?

269. (man) Lovely.

270. - This one? - Uh, no, that one.

271. And it's worth checking after a couple of...

272. - How do you not kill yourself? - Jesus, that was brutal last night.

273. So embarrassing getting chucked out like that.

274. - Hannah saw the whole thing... - Oh, yeah, you got it. That's it.

275. Do you think you're being encouraging? Is that why you keep saying things?

276. You should get your printer fixed is what I'm saying.

277. - Are you touching my earlobe? - Yes, I am.

278. - Aren't you like a million years old? Don't fight this.

279. - Harris, it's not appropriate. - Why won't you die?

280. We can really use a bright young man like you.

281. Especially right now, with the big push.

282. I'd like to introduce everyone to our newest co-worker,

283. a bright young man who I'm sure will be an asset.

284. He was the only one not fired in the final cull at our sister office.

285. Even the cockroaches didn't survive.

286. Well, I'll let you get started, young hotshot.

287. Soon, you'll have my job.

288. Everyone, please welcome James Simon.

289. There's no need to be alarmed. My cleaning lady's a diabetic.

290. We just need to jam a cookie down his throat.

291. No, no, sir, I'm not diabetic. It's just a shock that...

292. Don't worry, son, we're not replacing you.

293. I'm not one of these holier-than-thou types.

294. Drugs can be healthy for a person.

295. - Just leave it out of the office. - No, not drugs, sir.

296. No, no, last night was a mistake. And now this strange man. I...

297. No need for details. It's happened to us all.

298. Have a drink of water, then get back to work.

299. Harris. Harris, have you spoken to the new employee?

300. - James? Yeah, sure, I met him. - And?

301. He seems all right.

302. But did you notice anything strange about him?

303. - I mean, did he remind you of anyone? - No.

304. - No one at the office? - No.

305. Okay. Would... Can I... Could you...

306. Would you... Could I please just... You can...

307. Thank you.

308. Yeah.

309. - Who did you have in mind? - Me, for instance.

310. - Oh, yeah, suppose so. - You suppose so?

311. - Yeah. Yeah, you look just like him. - Yes, I do, don't I?

312. Yeah, and you're not even Chinese. It's pretty fucked up.

313. Yes, it is that. Now, why didn't you notice?

314. Well, no of fence, mate, but you're pretty unnoticeable.

315. Bit of a non-person.

316. What'll it be?

317. What, do you want to... Okay. No, sorry then,

318. I'll just have a Coke and a bagel.

319. - We're out of bagels. - Oh.

320. Right, then, um... Right. Then, I'll just...

321. - Come on. - Right, sorry, I just, uh...

322. I'll just... I'll just have the Coke, then, I guess.

323. A Coke. And you?

324. - A coffee. - A coffee.

325. - And scrambled eggs. We don't serve

326. - breakfast in the evening. - Why not?

327. Because it says so on the menu.

328. - Well, do you still have eggs here? - Yeah.

329. - And do you have a frying pan? - Yeah.

330. Then do me a favour and make me some scrambled eggs.

331. - Fine. Anything else? - Bacon.

332. - Bacon. - And toast.

333. - And toast. - And a beer.

334. - And a beer. Anything else? - No, that's it.

335. - Are you sure? - Just get me the damn food.

336. - What? I'm hungry. - No, it's just... I don't know.

337. - I would have never done that. - You don't like eggs?

338. No, I mean, I just...

339. don't think I would feel comfortable talking to someone like that.

340. She's a waitress. She's here to serve us.

341. If you don't tell her what you actually want, how can she do her job?

342. No, I can see that. She can be a little short sometimes

343. and I do think being forthright certainly has its place.

344. And I'm not, like, criticising your behaviour or anything.

345. Here's your coffee,

346. your beer and your breakfast.

347. We're out of Coke.

348. You both have very beautiful hands. To be continued.

349. Don't go anywhere.

350. The dark-haired one is a dirty, dirty thing. Which one do you want?

351. - I'm sorry? - I prefer the brunette but either way.

352. That's all right. You can have both.

353. - Never again. - I'm going to go to the bathroom.

354. - Hey, watch it, will you? - Sorry, sorry.

355. What the fuck are you going to do about it?

356. I don't think we've talked. Would you mind holding this for me?

357. Thank you.

358. We should leave.

359. - How come you don't have a girlfriend? - I don't know.

360. You a flamer?

361. No. There's someone I've been thinking about. A lot.

362. - Like some fantasy shit? - No, she's real. A person.

363. - So what's the problem? - I don't know.

364. I have all these things that I want to say to her, like...

365. Like how I can tell that she's a lonely person,

366. even if other people can't.

367. 'Cause... 'Cause I know what it feels like

368. to be lost and lonely and invisible.

369. Simon, you have to go after what you want.

370. I would tear the asshole off an elephant for a piece of trim I wanted that bad.

371. I've tried talking to her but I don't know how to be myself.

372. It's like I'm permanently outside myself.

373. Like, like, you could push your hand straight through me if you wanted to.

374. And I couldn't see the type of man that I want to be

375. versus the type of man I actually am and I know that I'm doing it

376. but I'm incapable of doing what needs to be done.

377. I'm like Pinocchio.

378. I'm a wooden boy, not a real boy.

379. And it kills me.

380. Hey! It's okay. He's with me.

381. Oh. Please, any friend of James's is a friend of mine.

382. I'm not even making that up, really. Oh! Harris.

383. Did you get a chance to take a look at that report yet? Ah, good.

384. Thank you. No, not now. And Rudolph, no rush on the coffee.

385. I think I'm going to take a nap or something.

386. - What switch? - What switch? The switch.

387. You're taking the aptitude test for me.

388. We went through all this last night. The switch.

389. - Will you stop saying "the switch"? - You said you would help me

390. with all this boring office work crap like this test.

391. I've got reports to finish. I am out of my booth.

392. I have to teach Melanie.

393. Just take the test. I'll babysit for an hour.

394. - Do you even know what we do here? - What's to know?

395. What if we get caught?

396. Well, how will we get caught? We have the same face.

397. You may now turn over your paper.

398. (man) Look at the two screens

399. and identify the next figure in the sequence.

400. All the boys in my school are so childish. So immature.

401. No, nothing but a batch of raging hormones.

402. It's like Daddy wanting me to go on a date with his friend's son.

403. Like, just 'cause we're the same age doesn't mean we have anything in common.

404. No, it's no substitute for a real spiritual connection

405. or finding your soulmate.

406. I don't know, I've always felt that emotional maturity

407. is totally unrelated to material age.

408. I'm just interested in the real person.

409. - Do you drink coffee? - No.

410. Would you like to try one?

411. - Finished already? - Yes, sorry.

412. When do you think you'll have the results?

413. For you, right away.

414. But you need to realise that data entry and collection

415. and computers and stuff,

416. it can be sensual.

417. It does have a romance. It can be sexy.

418. All these lives that we're recording, their hopes, their dreams, their loves.

419. Each person out there apart yet connected.

420. We're giving these faceless people immortality.

421. Wow. That's an amazing way of looking at it.

422. These results are off the charts, James.

423. I knew we hired the right man, I just knew it.

424. Thank you, sir.

425. Where is the kid from that desk? He's been here a while.

426. Just between you and me, he hasn't impressed.

427. I'm sure there must be some explanation.

428. Sticking up for a co-worker even though he has limited ability.

429. I like that. Very admirable!

430. - So? - Where were you?

431. - How did I do? - You aced it.

432. - Oh! I knew it. - I told you to be back an hour ago.

433. Don't worry about it, the old man's an idiot.

434. We are going to be running this place.

435. All right, so I will leave you to finish up and get out of your hair.

436. Where is she? There she is! Oh!

437. You got me. You got me.

438. And it's a good thing I fixed my printer.

439. Just used a little elbow grease, so I won't be needing to come down as much.

440. When you rub them together they usually sound like crickets but I've lost it.

441. And I'm sorry I missed you at the Colonel's ball the other night.

442. - I think they've changed the cups. - Well, back to work.

443. Hmm. Strange.

444. Hey, that went great!

445. - I don't know. - Leave her wanting more.

446. Did you use the line about the elbow grease? That's erotic.

447. Okay, within a week, you're going to get hand on boob. That is a promise.

448. Now, we stick to the plan, okay? No contact.

449. Cold turkey for a few days, all right?

450. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, she's definitely looking at you.

451. You had a little setback at the ball but now she's going,

452. "How come Simon hasn't been down to see me?

453. "Why is he being all mysterious?

454. "What's going on in that magnificent mind of his?"

455. - You really think she's looking at me? - Yeah, yeah. Right, now lick your lips.

456. - Yeah. What? - Sends out a subliminal sexual signal,

457. show the tongue but be careful not to look like a lizard. Go.

458. Yeah, now.

459. - I feel so stupid. - Here we go.

460. - Is that okay if I stand here? - Yes, it is.

461. So I was thinking maybe we should meet up sometime.

462. Just you and me.

463. This is obviously making you uncomfortable.

464. I was just wondering whether he might have mentioned me to you.

465. It isn't, it's just when you say you've never met anyone like James.

466. - Yes. I've never met anyone like James. - I find that hard to process.

467. - What is so unique about him? - I don't know.

468. Try to think.

469. He has something.

470. Yes, okay, but you've never even spoken so how can you know if he has something?

471. I think that you can tell just by looking at someone.

472. - Just by looking at someone? - Yes, fuck!

473. I'm going to tell him myself because... You know what?

474. I'm kinda putting myself on the line here at the moment.

475. - I'm vulnerable. - I understand that you're vulnerable.

476. And I thought that you might want to help me out

477. but there's no knife to your throat, so don't worry about it.

478. Sorry. No, no, no, I want to tell him. Please let me.

479. - Really? Are you sure? - Yes, I will tell him.

480. - My God, thank you. - Thank you.

481. - That's great, thank you. - Okay, good.

482. - Um, thanks, er... - Simon.

483. Simon. I'm sorry, I'm just flustered but that's great, thank you.

484. - Are your hands normally this warm? - Quite often.

485. And when did you think our food will arrive?

486. It normally takes a while.

487. I can't say I'm surprised but I think this is a good thing.

488. We'll make a date and you can go as me. I'll give you a little more coaching.

489. Do you think that's even ethical?

490. Uh, don't take this the wrong way, but I think it's unlikely

491. you'll be able to get into an unethical situation on a first date.

492. "Unethical", that's very sweet.

493. When you're walking with a woman or standing next to one of them,

494. you want to put your hand on their lower back.

495. Not the ass, they sometimes get upset about that, but just above it.

496. It shows that you're interested but can push them down the stairs at any moment.

497. - Why? - Because you've got the leverage.

498. - So, wait. Here? What? - Stop that. That's gay.

499. - But you just did it to me. - Yes, but it was me.

500. Do you see the difference? You can't be doing anything gay. No ice-cream cones.

501. - I like ice-cream. - Well, of course, it's delicious.

502. Ice-cream is fine in a cup but in a cone is gay

503. unless you're with a woman at the time.

504. - Anything else? - No riding on a motorcycle

505. with another man. The only exceptions are drive-by shootings,

506. bomb throwings and purse snatchings. Anything else is gay.

507. - You seem to know a lot about this. - Well, defence wins championships.

508. You need to tell them how great you are all the time,

509. which means you'll have to make things up.

510. - What if they find out? - Make it hard to research,

511. like you were the captain of a jai-alai team in school

512. or a Brigadier General in the Navy. Something like that.

513. I don't think anybody'd believe that.

514. Then change the subject and deny everything.

515. - I just don't know if that's me. - That's why it's so good.

516. Just say something.

517. - I used to be an Olympic swimmer. - Go to the bathroom, now.

518. Excuse me. Sorry.

519. What the fuck?

520. I can't do this with you shouting in my ear.

521. This would be going fine if you'd just do what I tell you to do.

522. Like jam my knee between her thighs? I can't do things like that.

523. I know, that's why you're going to die alone.

524. Sorry, that was cruel. I'm just... I'm just so frustrated for you.

525. Look, just give me your jacket. I'll patch things up. Okay?

526. - I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry.

527. No, I am. I've screwed this up.

528. You can't help it. You're just not good at this.

529. - I know. - I know you know. Give me your jacket.

530. - Wait, did you move tables? - No.

531. Excuse me.

532. Did you see a man who looks exactly like me walk in here with a woman?

533. This boy's not serious. Visitors have to sign in.

534. I'm not a visitor.

535. No, I have to go. I really have to go.

536. Okay, but I have to go.

537. Yeah, I have to go.

538. No, because I need to go. That's why. Because I'm at work.

539. Okay.

540. Hi. Uh, I know the policy but my printer is actually broken again so...

541. - How's your growth? - Hannah, the creepy guy's here again.

542. Yeah.

543. - Hi, creepy guy. - Hey, Hannah.

544. I was just telling your colleague that I know the policy

545. but my printer is actually broken again.

546. Oh, I thought that you fixed it with elbow grease.

547. Yes.

548. Do you want me to call someone up to fix it? What's your desk number?

549. - Hi. I'm just with somebody whose... - Oh, no, no. No, no, I'm just...

550. I actually need the copy pretty urgently, yeah.

551. It's a report of special importance to the Colonel.

552. He's taken a particular interest in my findings lately.

553. Well, I haven't actually met him in person

554. but I think he knows a lot about my work. So, maybe just...

555. Oh, that reminds me, you had your date with James, did you?

556. Was that last night?

557. - Did you want me to photocopy that? - Yes. Please. That is why I'm here.

558. One COPY-

559. - So how'd it go? - How did what go?

560. With James. I just wanted to ask

561. 'cause I didn't see you on the train this morning.

562. I mean, not that I'm in the habit of seeing you on the train

563. but I just wanted to ask 'cause I made the introduction.

564. - Thanks for the introduction. - I just wanted to make sure...

565. - That he didn't take advantage of me? - Did he?

566. Do that? 'Cause then I feel responsible 'cause I made the introduction.

567. - That's very kind of you. - So you're okay?

568. - I'm okay. - Okay. Good, then that's fine.

569. Thank you. That's a relief,

570. actually, to me. That's relieved me.

571. Because I made the introduction is all. Thank you. Good.

572. - Guess who? - Oh, God. This is Melanie. Hi, Melanie.

573. - We've met. - Have we?

574. Yes. Papadopoulos asked me to tutor her, that's why...

575. - He's the best teacher I've ever had. - Thank you.

576. - I'm learning a lot. - Well, she's a good student.

577. - Pupil. So, we'll get back to work. - A lot.

578. Okay.

579. I'm not actually meant to be here

580. but I have a report that I think would be of interest to Mr Papadopoulos.

581. Sorry, my name is Simon James,

582. but I don't have my ID or my supplementary ID.

583. The only thing it hasn't been is consistent.

584. I'll be one moment. This is the report I was telling you about.

585. Great work, James! That's the type of initiative I like.

586. Oh, thank you, sir. I just think a man should do

587. the best he can possibly do at the work he's doing.

588. - Oh, but, sir, I... - I don't know what I'm paying you for.

589. This guy just started. Why can't you work like that?

590. - I just started. - Sir, I think I have to make

591. something clear here. I...

592. Use words. Look, I'm not angry with you, son,

593. I just hope you can raise the level of your performance.

594. Hell! Why don't you work with James here?

595. See if you can help him put something together.

596. I would really like that. Yeah, Mr P, that's a fantastic idea.

597. I'm a good worker.

598. So, this is the great James Simon I've been hearing all about.

599. Let's take a look at this paper of yours.

600. This used to be my favourite song.

601. There's no song playing.

602. And you hate music.

603. I think the nurse stole my undershirt.

604. You're right, I do hate music.

605. You are still not right.

606. Make the cut deep.

607. - Excuse me, sir? - Yeah.

608. Did you know that people in here are carrying weapons?

609. - Yeah. - How long has this been going on?

610. Awhile.

611. Hello?

612. Hannah, this is James.

613. Come up. I want you.

614. - I want you to stop seeing Hannah. - I see.

615. And I want you to stop messing around with Melanie.

616. - What else? - And I want you to tell Papadopoulos

617. that I've been doing all your work for you since you got here.

618. Mmm-hmm. Okay. Well, I want to show Papadopoulos

619. this photo of you and his daughter.

620. - Oh!

621. - How do you sleep? - Yeah, I just...

622. Now, who do you think Papadopoulos is going to believe?

623. Some dink he still calls Stanley?

624. Or this guy?

625. So I need the key to your apartment.

626. You see, Melanie is a bit of a screamer

627. and I don't want Hannah coming up and making another scene.

628. It'll just be easier if we use your place.

629. Now, do you need to see the photo again or are you okay?

630. I'll also be taking other women up there,

631. in case you notice different smells.

632. Hey.

633. I'm James.

634. Get up.

635. Get up.

636. Or do you wanna die on the ground, like a snake?

637. There he is.

638. Hey, what are you working on?

639. It's private. Can you please not lean on my work station?

640. - So, I need that key again. - No, that was it. No more.

641. All right, I understand. Hey, Mr Papadopoulos!

642. Simon has something he wanted to show you.

643. - Oh, key. - No, I can't.

644. - Key. - No.

645. Key.

646. - I have more. - Fine.

647. Gotta go. I'll get a copy cut. Save future confusion.

648. - Well, this better be good. - Oh! No, no, no, I'm sorry...

649. You need to step up, Stanley. I want to see some real work from you.

650. Actually, I'm working on something at the moment, sir. Something that I...

651. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

652. Simon. I think that James is seeing someone else.

653. And he told me that you sometimes watch my apartment from a telescope

654. in your room. Which I'm fine with, actually. I don't really mind.

655. It's kind of reassuring in a strange way but...

656. Sure. Do you want to go to the coffee room?

657. It would be interesting to find out exactly who else he's seeing.

658. - Okay, let's just... - Are you hearing this?

659. Wait. Does that mean he's not seeing you?

660. - Not that he's even trying to hide it. - He's not a very good guy.

661. I know and I always have known. But to be made a fool of by him.

662. - Yeah, one second. By a villain. - I knew what he was.

663. - But then he'd say how he knew me. - Oh no. It's not your fault.

664. That he could tell I was a lonely person

665. because he knew what it was like to be lonely and lost and invisible.

666. Like... Like someone could just push their hand straight through you.

667. I think you should definitely not see him.

668. He told me he felt like Pinocchio.

669. - Do you know who Pinocchio is? - No.

670. He's this wooden boy, he's held up by strings.

671. He wants to feel like a real boy. Do you understand?

672. - No. Okay. - I feel like Pinocchio.

673. So is that okay if I come to your apartment tonight?

674. I know it's kind of strange to ask but I wanted to see for myself,

675. you know, if he's taking girls back there.

676. No, I'm sorry, that's just not going to be possible because I have to work.

677. I'm not going to be home tonight. I'll be here.

678. But that's okay, you can just give me your key.

679. I don't have a key.

680. - You don't have a key? - No.

681. You don't have a key to your own apartment?

682. - No. - How do you get in?

683. - I can't get in. - Why are you lying?

684. I'm not. I just don't know if it's a good idea to spy on people.

685. And I think you might be becoming a little obsessive.

686. - Why are you touching me? - I'm not.

687. I just also feel like Pinocchio.

688. You're a snake.

689. I haven't done anything wrong.

690. What is your name? - I'm a visitor. I would like to sign in.

691. What is your name?

692. My name is Simon James.

693. You're wanted in worker services, Simon James.

694. Mmm.

695. Mmm.

696. Hmm. Poor chap.

697. Oh...

698. - You don't exist any more. - Excuse me?

699. - You're no longer on the system. - Well, just put me back in the system.

700. - I can't put you back in the system. - Why?

701. Because you don't exist. I can't put someone who doesn't exist in the system.

702. - But I used to be in the system. - Not according to the system.

703. In fact, according to the system, you've never existed.

704. - How reliable is the system? - Hey, it's completely reliable.

705. Yes, but I used to exist. I do exist. I'm standing in this room, aren't I?

706. - And? - So, how do I get back in the system?

707. - You need a card. - Right. So, can I please get a new card?

708. - No. - Why?

709. - Because you're not in the system. - So, it's... Well...

710. So that's it?

711. That's it.

712. I'll leave you to make your own arrangements.

713. You okay, buddy? - Yeah. Thanks, Harris.

714. Yeah, it's gotta be pretty rough on you.

715. Yeah, I guess it is.

716. Hey, I got you this book. James told us about your problems.

717. You need to read it pronto, though. It's only returnable through Friday.

718. - Thanks. - No worries.

719. - Hey, er, I was just wondering... - Yeah, I'll help you with your report.

720. Well, if you could have it ready by tomorrow.

721. - Fine. I know. - And tomorrow's Friday.

722. So both the book and the report need to be finished by tomorrow.

723. - Okay. - Friday.

724. Yeah, oh, by the way, if you're looking for James,

725. he's in the office with Papadopoulos.

726. Apparently he's written this incredible report on how to increase efficiency.

727. Yeah, Pap's pretty impressed.

728. Hey, you're fucking boring. What's regression analysis?

729. Oh, this one is so silly.

730. These two Chinese virgins get married.

731. It's the night of the wedding. They've just finished boning.

732. And, um, the husband says, "That was great, that was really great.

733. "Uh, is there anything else you'd like to try?"

734. And, and then the woman says...

735. - Mr Papadopoulos. - Hold on a second.

736. No, that's okay. So the woman says,

737. "Yeah, I think I would like to try number 69."

738. And the guy, he thinks for a second. And...

739. Pay attention, Rudolph, you'll like this. He says,

740. "You want breef with broccori?"

741. It's silly. What did I tell you?

742. Sir... Sir, I think we need to talk.

743. You! I can't believe you dare.

744. - Sir, I work here and I... - You pervert.

745. James told me everything about you and Melanie.

746. Hell knows she's handsome, she's a Papadopoulos.

747. But to abuse a young woman's trust like that!

748. - Sir, this man is a fraud. - You should talk!

749. He's the finest employee we've ever had.

750. Oh, sir, thank you.

751. - He doesn't even know what we do here. - Er, this and that.

752. Okay, what is regression analysis?

753. - Who took your test for you? - Sir, I have been through all of this

754. in the report. I think maybe he needs some help.

755. - He's gone a little crazy. - No, no, no.

756. No, sir, this cannot stand.

757. No, no, no, no, stay away from me. Stay away from me.

758. No, no, no, no. No. No, sir, he stole my face.

759. Look at me! Look at me! Look at him!

760. He stole my face!

761. You need to leave. No!

762. You do! Get off of me!

763. Stanley!

764. - Give Rudolph his arm back! - No, no, no, no, no!

765. Stay back! Stay back! No, no. No, no, no.

766. No, stay away from me! No, I need to see the Colonel.

767. Stanley, we all love you.

768. I need to see the Colonel. The Colonel will understand.

769. - Please, where is the Colonel? - You need help.

770. - No, I don't need help. - What's the problem, Stanley?

771. Hey! You fuckers! You don't know who you're dealing with.

772. You don't know who you're dealing with, you fuckers.

773. You fucking fucks.

774. I am a person. Stay back! Stay back, you fucks!

775. You fucking fuckers! I am a person!

776. I exist!

777. Here we are. Has she ever tried anything like this before?

778. - No. - No? First-timer. Good stuff.

779. Well, these things happen. You mustn't blame yourself.

780. Was it pills that she took? I heard it was pills.

781. Mes. - Yes. Fantastisch.

782. How many pills do you think she swallowed?

783. I have nought to 10, 10 to 20, 20 to 30 or 30-plus.

784. I don't know. I wasn't there.

785. - If you were to guess. - I'm not going to guess.

786. - But if you had to guess. - I don't have to.

787. - Is she going to be okay? - I'll just stick a little question mark

788. on it for the moment. What?

789. What is it?

790. All bloody morning, you know.

791. How long have you two been married?

792. (man) Would you excuse us, please, Martin?

793. - Mr James, can I have a word? - Yeah, that's fine.

794. I'll just keep going with this.

795. And take care of this... bloody guy!

796. (man) Has she tried anything like this before?

797. No, I don't think so.

798. - Do you fight a lot? - Sometimes.

799. I'm afraid to say she's had a miscarriage. I'm sorry.

800. Was it your first pregnancy?

801. Yes.

802. The good thing is she's healthy and it was very early,

803. so she won't feel too much pain.

804. These things happen. You mustn't blame yourself.

805. You probably think I should be thankful that you took me to the hospital

806. but I'm not.

807. I wanted to die and now I'm afraid I won't have the courage to try again.

808. Do you want to know what I think?

809. I think you should kill yourself.

810. I promise I won't try to stop you halfway through.

811. Hiya, this is a message for Simon James.

812. Er, your mother passed away this morning following a major cerebral...

813. "Cee-ree-bral"? "Cere-bral", cerebral occurrence.

814. Um, in accordance with her wishes, she's to be buried at night.

815. If you wish to attend the funeral,

816. it starts at midnight at the cemetery to the rear of the home.

817. Not the rear but, um,

818. down the side and then towards the rear of the home.

819. All right...

820. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

821. "I will fear no evil,

822. "for Thou art with me.

823. "Thy rod and Thy staff, they will comfort me.

824. "Thou preparest a table before me

825. "in the presence of mine enemies."

826. Look, look, we can get you help but now is a time for family.

827. - Just don't engage. Who are you?

828. Who's this fuck? Why have you got his face?

829. - Why have you got his face? - Just don't engage.

830. - Is he mental? Are you mental? - Don't engage. Don't engage.

831. - What are you doing? Don't touch me! - Just don't engage.

832. - Don't engage. - Oi!

833. - Oi! Don't touch me!

834. - Don't engage.

835. What is it?

836. Get up.

837. Get off your knees.

838. Oh!

839. - Where are you going? - Fuck off!

840. Oh, hey, James.

841. - Oh, my God, look at you. - You know who I am, don't you?

842. - Are you okay? - Do you recognise me?

843. Of course, Simon. What happened to you?

844. I don't want to be a boy held up by string.

845. - Okay. - Okay?

846. Bye.

847. Yes?

848. I'm okay.

849. That is where I am.

850. Yes, I am looking at him now.

851. He is about to jump.

852. Please hurry.

853. There aren't too many like you.

854. Are there, Simon?

855. I'd like to think I'm pretty unique.

856. Deluxe Media