1. Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
won't you please, uh,Copy !req
2. give a warm welcome
to the comedy stylings...Copy !req
3. of, uh, Mr. Marty Malt.Copy !req
4. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
5. My name is Marty Malt.Copy !req
6. I'm reminded tonight...Copy !req
7. of something
that happened to me
the other day.Copy !req
8. I went to the post office
to get some stamps,Copy !req
9. and I waited my usual
three hours in line.Copy !req
10. And just as I was getting
to the window,Copy !req
11. an announcement was made that
if anyone just needed stamps,Copy !req
12. to move into a different line.Copy !req
13. So I moved into
the different line,Copy !req
14. and this giant boot
came down from the ceiling...Copy !req
15. and stamped me on the head.Copy !req
16. Ooh!Copy !req
17. Do I have a headache.Copy !req
18. I decided to buy a pet,Copy !req
19. so I went to the pet store
and asked the guy there...Copy !req
20. what would make the best pet.Copy !req
21. And he suggested a turtle.Copy !req
22. So I bought a turtle
and got a nice little bowl...
for him to live in...Copy !req
23. with some plants and a bridge
for him to walk on.Copy !req
24. But he would never
come out of his shell.Copy !req
25. I waited and waited,
but he never came out.Copy !req
26. And then I realized
that the pet shop owner...Copy !req
27. had taken me for a ride.Copy !req
28. It wasn't a turtle at all.Copy !req
29. It was a rock.Copy !req
30. So now I use it
as my doorstop.Copy !req
31. Even you didn't laugh.
I was laughin'
on the inside!Copy !req
32. I was roarin'!
Oh, God!Copy !req
33. See, I didn't want to laugh
out loud 'cause I was eyein'
this chick across the room,Copy !req
34. and I didn't want to
come off uncool.Copy !req
35. But, no,
I was laughin' inside.
Oh, yeah!Copy !req
36. You were funny.
Trust me.Copy !req
37. I know comedy,
and you were funny,
hilarious.Copy !req
38. I don't usually
use that word unless
I really mean it.Copy !req
39. But, yeah,
I'm gonna use it again.Copy !req
40. Hilarious!
You were hilarious, man!Copy !req
41. You think so?
Hilarious?Copy !req
42. Oh, yeah, definitely.
You were sensational.Copy !req
43. Well, 'cause Syd said
that I can do it regular...Copy !req
44. on Tuesday
and Thursday nights
for 10 bucks.Copy !req
45. You see?
They loved ya.
They know talent.Copy !req
46. Most of them are probably
laughin' on the inside, too,Copy !req
47. unless they were too stupid
to get the jokes!Copy !req
48. So 10 bucks a week, huh?
Ten bucks a night.Copy !req
49. Twenty bucks a week.Copy !req
50. Twenty bucks a week
just for standing up
and telling dumb jokes?Copy !req
51. Hey, that's great, man!Copy !req
52. You're gonna do it,
right?Copy !req
53. I guess so.
You guess so?Copy !req
54. Go grab it, baby!Copy !req
55. You have a talent.
It's your calling.Copy !req
56. And maybe once in a while,
you'll let me play a little
musical accompaniment.Copy !req
57. Maybe.
Hey, that's great!Copy !req
58. You are gonna
be famous.Copy !req
59. You are gonna be so big!Copy !req
60. Big!
Let's see you go big!Copy !req
61. - How'd it go?
- He was great!Copy !req
62. Great, huh?
Fantastic.Copy !req
63. He was so funny,
I thought I was gonna
have a heart attack.Copy !req
64. He had the joint
eating out of his hand.Copy !req
65. I almost split a gut!
What did you say?Copy !req
66. Come on.
Give me a sample.Copy !req
67. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on. Come on.Copy !req
68. Tell 'em the one...
about the movie star
and the podiatrist.Copy !req
69. Oh, this one really
bowled them over!Copy !req
70. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
71. Okay.Copy !req
72. This movie star goes
to see this podiatrist,
right?Copy !req
73. Right!Copy !req
74. Okay.Copy !req
75. He limps
into the office,Copy !req
76. and the podiatrist says,
"Oh, my God!"Copy !req
77. - What's a podiatrist?
- Who the hell knows?Copy !req
78. Um—Copy !req
79. Well, he— he limps
into the podiatrist office.Copy !req
80. Hang on, Marty.Copy !req
81. Hey, Rosarita.
What's the special?Copy !req
82. - Um, ham and beans
au gratin with peas.
- Is that the man-made ham?Copy !req
83. Nothing but the best.Copy !req
84. So, Marty,
when's the next show?
Thursday.Copy !req
85. You are lookin'
at the next big deal
in professional comedy!Copy !req
86. Well, I-I always told him
that if he gave it a try,
they'd love him.Copy !req
87. I've been working on
some new material.Copy !req
88. I think it's gonna be
some pretty funny stuff.Copy !req
89. People relate to jokes
about things they know,
you know?Copy !req
90. A guy goes
into a barbershop,
he asks for a haircut.Copy !req
91. Barber says,
"Sure. Have a seat."Copy !req
92. The guy sits down.
He takes off his toupee.Copy !req
93. The barber says,
"Wait a second.
You wanted a haircut.Copy !req
94. You're completely bald."Copy !req
95. And the man goes,
"Why, you're right.Copy !req
96. In that case,
cut my ears off."Copy !req
97. Marty?
Do you have any milk?Copy !req
98. Whoa! Hey, Marty!Copy !req
99. Oh, God.Copy !req
100. - You got a bite, man.
- A what?Copy !req
101. Uh, on your back.
A bug bite or something.Copy !req
102. Oh, well.Copy !req
103. Okay! Let's go!Copy !req
104. Land ho!Copy !req
105. Here I goCopy !req
106. Whoa!Copy !req
107. A-ho
Whoo!Copy !req
108. Hey, Gus!Copy !req
109. Yeah, Marty.
Can you come over here
for a sec?Copy !req
110. Uh—Copy !req
111. Here, help me
get this out.
What is it?Copy !req
112. It's an authentic
Oriental rug.Copy !req
113. Wow! How do you know
it's authentic?Copy !req
114. Look at
the craftsmanship.
Yeah.Copy !req
115. Hey, Gus?
Yeah, Marty?Copy !req
116. I thought you
were gonna come by
and listen to my act.Copy !req
117. I will, I promise, later.
We'll only be at Nicolette's
for a minute.Copy !req
118. Well, I have
a whole bunch
of new material.Copy !req
119. I think you're
gonna like it.Copy !req
120. I have no doubt
about that,
sonny boy.Copy !req
121. If last night's performance
is any indication
of what's to come,Copy !req
122. I will laugh
so hard,Copy !req
123. my stomach will burst open
and spray bile
all over the stage!Copy !req
124. Well, I hope so.Copy !req
125. Who is it?Copy !req
126. It's Gussy pussy,Copy !req
127. Nicky picky.Copy !req
128. God, what a woman.Copy !req
129. Gussy. Oh, baby!Copy !req
130. Hi, Nicolette.Copy !req
131. So what'd you bring me,
big boy?Copy !req
132. I brought you something
very special,Copy !req
133. and it didn't
cost me a dime!Copy !req
134. What is it?
Give it to me.
Close your eyes.Copy !req
135. Okay. They're closed.Copy !req
136. Can I open my eyes?
Sure.Copy !req
137. Give me! Give me.
They're mine!Copy !req
138. Give me! Give me!Copy !req
139. Give me!Copy !req
140. Oh, baby.Copy !req
141. Hey, man.
Why don't you run along?Copy !req
142. We'll work on the act
a little bit later.Copy !req
143. Marty has an act?
Oh, yeah, baby.Copy !req
144. Marty's gonna be
a big, famous...Copy !req
145. comedian.Copy !req
146. Yeah. That's—
That's great.
Yeah.Copy !req
147. Well, but— I—Copy !req
148. You got anything to eat?
I'm starving.Copy !req
149. What took you so long?
Huh? What time is it?Copy !req
150. Well, it's 3:00.Copy !req
151. Geez, I'd better get home.Copy !req
152. You know, we gotta go to work
in a couple of hours.Copy !req
153. Just sleep here.
What, in this dump?Copy !req
154. Never mind.Copy !req
155. Hey, do you mind
if I eat this chicken?Copy !req
156. It's been there
for quite a while.
That's okay. I don't care.Copy !req
157. So, what have you
been doing?Copy !req
158. Just polishing up
that new material.Copy !req
159. Oh, yeah, right.
I wanna hear that.Copy !req
160. You should've told me earlier.
I'd have come by. I would've.Copy !req
161. Okay, let's hear it.Copy !req
162. This is gonna be great!
I know it.Copy !req
163. Okay, okay.Copy !req
164. Let's see.Copy !req
165. There was this guy—
Hold on a second!Copy !req
166. We gotta do
this thing up right.Copy !req
167. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
168. Syd's nightclub
is proud to welcome...Copy !req
169. once again...Copy !req
170. the comedy stylings
of Mr. Marty Malt!Copy !req
171. Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
172. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Marty Malt.Copy !req
173. - Yeah.Copy !req
174. Well, I was— I was
trying to grab a cab
the other day.Copy !req
175. It was rainy and cold.Copy !req
176. I forgot my raincoat
and my umbrella.Copy !req
177. So I'm standing
at the cabstand with
three other guys and me.Copy !req
178. A Jew, a priest,
and a black, and me.Copy !req
179. So this cab comes up—
One cab to the cabstand.Copy !req
180. And the cabdriver
was Chinese.Copy !req
181. Okay? Well.Copy !req
182. We were all standing there
in the pouring rain...Copy !req
183. when this little old lady
gets in the other side,
and off they go.Copy !req
184. Which just goes to prove...Copy !req
185. nobody can get a cab
in this town.Copy !req
186. This little old lady
jumped into the cab
from the other side,Copy !req
187. and off they went.Copy !req
188. Which just goes to prove...Copy !req
189. nobody can get a cab
in this town.Copy !req
190. So, you were laughing
inside again, right?Copy !req
191. Well, I didn't exactly
see the whole show.Copy !req
192. Me and the hatcheck girl
were getting friendly,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
193. Well, which part
of-of the show
did you see?Copy !req
194. That's not important.
Just listen.Copy !req
195. I've got some great news.Copy !req
196. - How was the underpants joke?
- Will you shut up and listen?
You're gonna love this!Copy !req
197. What?Copy !req
198. - Me and Phyllis—
- Who's Phyllis?Copy !req
199. - The hatcheck girl.
- Oh.Copy !req
200. Me and Phyllis
went across the street
for some cocktails.Copy !req
201. - During my act?
- Will you shut up?Copy !req
202. We were in the lounge,
and there was this awful
comedian onstage,Copy !req
203. and this fancy Dapper Dan
sitting at the bar
next to us,Copy !req
204. squawkin' about
how bad the comic was.Copy !req
205. So I said,
"You wanna see comedy,
mister?Copy !req
206. "Catch Marty Malt
across the street at Syd's.Copy !req
207. He's a comic genius,"
I said.Copy !req
208. So, he hands me
this card,Copy !req
209. and what do you think
it says?Copy !req
210. Go ahead. Read it.Copy !req
211. "Jackie Chrome,
Talent Agent."Copy !req
212. So?
So?Copy !req
213. So, he's coming here
to see your act Tuesday night!Copy !req
214. Man, don't you see?Copy !req
215. This is the start
of everything.Copy !req
216. Do you know
what a talent agent
can do for you?Copy !req
217. He'll just make you the biggest,
the richest son of a gun
this country's ever seen!Copy !req
218. - Tuesday?
- This Tuesday!Copy !req
219. Should I write new material?
Should I stick with
the old standbys?Copy !req
220. What if he hates me?
What if he doesn't hate me?Copy !req
221. Maybe I should get
some new clothes.Copy !req
222. This is the lucky suit.Copy !req
223. Geez, look at my clothes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Mart.Copy !req
224. What? What?
Hey, this lump's
getting bigger, man.Copy !req
225. Does that hurt?
Yes.Copy !req
226. You better see a doctor
before Tuesday.Copy !req
227. The last thing we need
is for you to get
spine cancer...Copy !req
228. before our big break.Copy !req
229. - Morty Malt?
- Marty.Copy !req
230. Oh.Copy !req
231. The doctor
will see you now.Copy !req
232. Excuse me.Copy !req
233. Kitty.
Back to work.Copy !req
234. Aah! Ooh.Copy !req
235. - So, Mr. Fault.
- Malt.Copy !req
236. What? Malt.
Yeah.
Malt.Copy !req
237. What, uh—
What seems to be
your problem?Copy !req
238. Well, I've got this odd lump
in the middle of my back.Copy !req
239. I'm, uh, somewhat
concerned about it.Copy !req
240. Oh.Copy !req
241. Oh, you're concerned,
an odd little lump?Copy !req
242. Well, at first I thought
it was just a bite,Copy !req
243. but it hasn't gone away.Copy !req
244. It just keeps getting
bigger and bigger.
Shut up. Shut up!Copy !req
245. Here's where
your problem is.Copy !req
246. What is it?
Will you wait!Copy !req
247. I'm a professional.
Would you like me to jump
on a misconclusion?Copy !req
248. Diagnose you
and send you off
in a coma?Copy !req
249. You'd like that, maybe?
No, no, I thought not.Copy !req
250. Just wait.
I gotta get my nurse.Copy !req
251. Kitty, get—
Yes, Dr. Scurvy?Copy !req
252. Here. What do you
make of this?Copy !req
253. Um—Copy !req
254. Ooh. It's an odd
little lump.Copy !req
255. It's pretty big
though, huh?Copy !req
256. - Uh, do I need
to worry about it?
- Now, look, kid.Copy !req
257. I see this kind
of thing every day.Copy !req
258. You just leave it alone,
and it'll fade away.Copy !req
259. Of course, uh,Copy !req
260. we-we could always
cut it off.Copy !req
261. Uh— Uh— E—Copy !req
262. If it's going
to go away... anyway,Copy !req
263. I'd rather not
pay the money.Copy !req
264. Do anything you want,
you little weasel.
I don't care.Copy !req
265. I don't care.Copy !req
266. All right. Here.
This'll fix ya.Copy !req
267. Right.Copy !req
268. That oughta do you.Copy !req
269. What does this say?Copy !req
270. Two.
All right. $250.Copy !req
271. I—
I don't have $250.Copy !req
272. Oh.Copy !req
273. Um, well.Copy !req
274. There are other ways
of paying,Copy !req
275. besides money.Copy !req
276. You know, when I see
a great act like this,Copy !req
277. it makes me all hungry for
Blump's cheddar-scented cheese!Copy !req
278. You can put this
on a Welsh rarebit.Copy !req
279. You can put it on
a— a Chinese rarebit.Copy !req
280. You can put it onanykind
of rarebit there is.Copy !req
281. Oh.Copy !req
282. It smells so good!Copy !req
283. And now it's Mr. Smuntz
and His Dancing Bible.Copy !req
284. Well, Martin.
Do you realize
it's been a week?Copy !req
285. I'm sorry, Mother.Copy !req
286. How long do you expect me to
live on two bags of groceries?Copy !req
287. How are you feeling?Copy !req
288. It's obvious
you don't care.Copy !req
289. I'm on my deathbed here.Copy !req
290. Well,Copy !req
291. I'm sorry that I'm a day late
with the groceries,Copy !req
292. but I got another job.Copy !req
293. I knew you couldn't
hold on to a job.Copy !req
294. No, I got a second job.Copy !req
295. Yeah? Doing what?Copy !req
296. Doing stand-up comedy.Copy !req
297. Oh, what a joke.Copy !req
298. Comedy's big business.Copy !req
299. And Gus got this agent...Copy !req
300. to come and see me
on Tuesday.Copy !req
301. You're not funny,
Martin.Copy !req
302. Listen, Marty.
After you get done with that,
I want you to clip my toenails.Copy !req
303. They're getting jagged
again.Copy !req
304. This big agent
will probably get him
his own TV show.Copy !req
305. That's exciting.Copy !req
306. And he's gonna
take me along.
Me too.Copy !req
307. When Marty gets rich,
we all get rich!Copy !req
308. Hi, everybody.
Speak of the devil.Copy !req
309. Hi, Marty.
Gus, we don't want
to be late.Copy !req
310. Well, okay, pal o' mine!
Let's go!Copy !req
311. So you're sure
that he's really
coming tonight?Copy !req
312. As sure as my name is Gus!Copy !req
313. How do I look?Copy !req
314. Couldn't look
any funnier.Copy !req
315. Cigars. Cigarettes.Copy !req
316. Cigars. Cigarettes.Copy !req
317. Cigars. Cigarettes.Copy !req
318. Cigars.Copy !req
319. So, he says,Copy !req
320. "I'd like
the doughnut soup,
please."Copy !req
321. Then the guy
behind the counter,
he says, "Would you"””--Copy !req
322. Marty! Marty!Copy !req
323. He just walked in.
He's here, man!Copy !req
324. This is it!Copy !req
325. That is
theJackie Chrome!Copy !req
326. I can't do it.
Oh, Jesus. I can't go on.Copy !req
327. Pull yourself together,
man.Copy !req
328. Just picture him
out there naked.Copy !req
329. And now, ladies and gentlemen—Copy !req
330. I'll see you
after the show!Copy !req
331. Syd's nightclub welcomes
the comedy stylings...Copy !req
332. of Mr. Marty Malt.Copy !req
333. Hey. Good to see you.Copy !req
334. This is gonna
be great!Copy !req
335. Seeing all of you
out there tonight...Copy !req
336. reminds me
of my eye doctor.Copy !req
337. He told me
I needed new glasses.Copy !req
338. I told him
I already had four pair.Copy !req
339. He said I needed more.Copy !req
340. So I got four more
pair of glasses...Copy !req
341. just to be
on the safe side.Copy !req
342. So now, 16 people
can drink in my house.Copy !req
343. My friends said that
I needed a hobby...Copy !req
344. to fill up my idle time.Copy !req
345. And...Copy !req
346. I thought it was
a good idea.Copy !req
347. I tried stamp collecting,
building the little ships
in a bottle.Copy !req
348. None of it seemed right.Copy !req
349. But I finally found
the hobby that suits me.Copy !req
350. I'm reconstructing
tomatoes...Copy !req
351. from ketchup.Copy !req
352. Mr. Chrome! Mr. Chrome!
Mr. Chrome—Copy !req
353. Sir—Copy !req
354. Mr. Chrome,
show's not over yet!Copy !req
355. Oh, it— it is for me, pal.Copy !req
356. Your friend stinks.Copy !req
357. Marty Malt has to be
theworst stand-up comic...Copy !req
358. I have ever had
the misfortune to see.Copy !req
359. What are you being
so picky for?Copy !req
360. You walked out
before his best stuff.
He was getting warmed up.Copy !req
361. Come on.
What do you think I am?
Stupid?Copy !req
362. Do I look stupid to you?Copy !req
363. Talent is my business.
Your friend has none.Copy !req
364. Now, if you'd like
some free advice,Copy !req
365. shoot him
and put him out
of his misery.Copy !req
366. So what are you saying?
Does this mean
no contract?Copy !req
367. On the nose, buster.
On the nose.Copy !req
368. Wait a minute, pal!Copy !req
369. How 'bout a nice, class
musical act?Copy !req
370. Drop dead.Copy !req
371. Ah, you're a bum anyway!Copy !req
372. He said he liked
your material,
loved your delivery,Copy !req
373. but wants you
to polish it up
ever so slightly.Copy !req
374. Ah, you don't want
an agent like him
anyway.Copy !req
375. Did you see how stiff
his hair was?Copy !req
376. Look, he's just
probably not used to
such intellectual wit.Copy !req
377. You know agents
these days.Copy !req
378. They handle all kinds
of dumb acts.Copy !req
379. I would take it
as a good sign,
if I were you.Copy !req
380. I don't know.Copy !req
381. - You think so?
- Definitely!Copy !req
382. And I got an idea
about how you can
polish up your act.Copy !req
383. Musical accompaniment!Copy !req
384. Yeah, you know,
you tell a few jokes,
I play a few notes.Copy !req
385. You tell a few more jokes,
I play a few more notes.Copy !req
386. Then, during your bow,
I play a little song.Copy !req
387. It'll be real original.Copy !req
388. Yeah. Yeah!Copy !req
389. That might not
be a bad idea. Yeah.Copy !req
390. Let's do it!Copy !req
391. You see,
that's what I've been trying
to tell you all alo—Copy !req
392. Turn around, Marty.Copy !req
393. - What?
- Just do it.Copy !req
394. Great Caesar's ghost!Copy !req
395. - What? What happened?
- Marty!Copy !req
396. Look!
Look at your lump!Copy !req
397. Oh, my God! Wait!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
398. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
399. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
400. That's weird, man.
That's weird!
God help me!Copy !req
401. God help me! God!Copy !req
402. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Calm down a minute, will ya?Copy !req
403. Do something, Gus!
Do something, Gus!
Calm down! Calm down!Copy !req
404. Just calm down.Copy !req
405. Now,Copy !req
406. let me take
a look at it.Copy !req
407. Oh, man. Oh, man.Copy !req
408. Oh, no.Copy !req
409. Oh.Copy !req
410. - Can you feel this?
- Yes!Copy !req
411. Uh—Copy !req
412. Gus!Copy !req
413. Oh, my God, Gus!Copy !req
414. Whoo! Whoo!
Gus! What is it, Gus?Copy !req
415. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!Copy !req
416. Oh, my God!
Whoa!Copy !req
417. I don't know why you keep
running in here all the time.Copy !req
418. I see this type of thing
every day.Copy !req
419. I told you
if you left it alone,
it would probably go away.Copy !req
420. But, no, you probably
picked it, right?Copy !req
421. I am sick and tired
of you little mama boys
coming in here...Copy !req
422. every time you have an abrasion
or a hand growing out
of the back or whatever.Copy !req
423. I am a busy man,
and I can't spend my time
babying you wimps.Copy !req
424. Medicine is reserved...Copy !req
425. for those with real problems,
life and death kind of stuff,Copy !req
426. not these little frivolities
you guys come in here with!Copy !req
427. Well, I—
I never heard of this.Copy !req
428. Yeah! That's why
you're not the doctor.Copy !req
429. Oh! Oh, my God!
That's gross!Copy !req
430. That is so gross!
That's the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen!Copy !req
431. You promised
you wouldn't scream.Copy !req
432. You didn't tell me
it was a hand!Copy !req
433. I thought it would be
a carbuncle or a boil,
but a hand?Copy !req
434. I mean, Jesus!
I thought you'd
understand.Copy !req
435. It's disgusting!
It's gross!Copy !req
436. I'll— I'll always
keep my shirt on.
It won't matter!Copy !req
437. People don't grow hands
out of their back!
What's wrong with you?Copy !req
438. Well, I— I didn't
grow one on purpose.Copy !req
439. Oh, geez!
I gotta get out of here.
Wait a minute.Copy !req
440. Look, Marty, it's all over
between the two of us!Copy !req
441. I can't love a man
with three hands.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
442. It's all over, Marty!Copy !req
443. Oh, yeah?
Well, my Gussy here
eats garbage.Copy !req
444. He does?
You do?Copy !req
445. Real garbage?Copy !req
446. Yup.
I'll eat anything.Copy !req
447. I'll even eat bugs!Copy !req
448. - Well, I don't eat bugs.
- That's about the only thing
you don't eat.Copy !req
449. Well, I have horseradish
on my pancakes.Copy !req
450. Did any of you
ever eat dog food...Copy !req
451. stir-fried
in castor oil,Copy !req
452. topped with
minced clams...Copy !req
453. in a sugary
cream sauce...Copy !req
454. with pimento
and chives?Copy !req
455. No one eats that!Copy !req
456. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
457. Show 'em what I had
for breakfast this morning!Copy !req
458. Whoo!Copy !req
459. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
460. Baby!Copy !req
461. Ooh. That stinks.Copy !req
462. Oh, mwah! My compliments
to the chef!Copy !req
463. Wait a second!Copy !req
464. You guys
wanna see something
really neat?Copy !req
465. Uh-huh.
Well, come on!Copy !req
466. Marty!Copy !req
467. Party! Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
468. Whoa! Wake up, Marty!
Come on. Open up.Copy !req
469. Marty!Copy !req
470. Whoo! Marty, old buddy!
Ol' pal o' mine!Copy !req
471. We didn't wake you,
did we, Marty?Copy !req
472. Nah, we didn't wake you,
did we, Marty?Copy !req
473. See?
He's still all dressed.
No, I— I—Copy !req
474. I told you he'd be up,
didn't I? Huh?Copy !req
475. Huh? My Marty here,
he's like an owl.Copy !req
476. Make yourselves at home.Copy !req
477. Girls, I bet you never
met a star before, huh?Copy !req
478. Mmm.Copy !req
479. You are standing
in front...Copy !req
480. of the one and only...Copy !req
481. Marty Malt!Copy !req
482. Ooh!Copy !req
483. Marty Malt,
this is Pickles.Copy !req
484. And this— whoa—Copy !req
485. is Shirley!Copy !req
486. I'm Pickles.
That's Shirley.Copy !req
487. Oh! Oh! Pickles, Shirley.
Shirley, Pickles.Copy !req
488. Shekels, shackles,
tickle, tackle!Copy !req
489. Who cares!Copy !req
490. Gus, I don't mean
to be a party pooper,Copy !req
491. but it's really late.Copy !req
492. Enough with the small talk.Copy !req
493. Ladies,Copy !req
494. will you excuse us
for a moment?Copy !req
495. Look, Mart,
I promised the girls
a little something.Copy !req
496. You don't mind
helping out, do you?
Tell some jokes?Copy !req
497. I promised them
you'd show 'em
somethin'.Copy !req
498. Oh, no.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
Show it to 'em.Copy !req
499. No way, Gus.
Uh-uh.Copy !req
500. If you do, you can
have your pick of either
Shirley or Pickles.Copy !req
501. Both drunk and ready
to be taken advantage of.Copy !req
502. Ooh.Copy !req
503. Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
504. No way.
Come on, Marty.Copy !req
505. No way.Copy !req
506. Marty.
No.Copy !req
507. Oh, I see how it is.
You ask a favor of a friend,
and what do you get?Copy !req
508. A kick in the pants.Copy !req
509. And you call yourself
a friend?Copy !req
510. Well, am I— am I
asking so much?Copy !req
511. Am I asking you
to kill your mother,
or poke out your own eyes?Copy !req
512. I don't think so.Copy !req
513. I'm disappointed
in you, Marty.Copy !req
514. Who got you the job
at the club?Copy !req
515. You.Copy !req
516. Who, uh, got Jackie Chrome
to come see your act?Copy !req
517. He's a big man,
you know.
You.Copy !req
518. Who's been pulling
your butt out of trouble
since we were yea high?Copy !req
519. You.
Well, I think the record
speaks for itself.Copy !req
520. I think if the shoe
was on the other foot,Copy !req
521. you know what I'd do.Copy !req
522. Yeah.
But it's up
to you, Marty.Copy !req
523. If you don't want to do me
this one small favor...Copy !req
524. after all I've done
for you,Copy !req
525. then just forget it.Copy !req
526. Okay.
Huh?Copy !req
527. Huh?
Okay.Copy !req
528. All right!
Well, come on over
and show the girls!Copy !req
529. Ladies, what you
are about to see...Copy !req
530. is the eighth wonder
of the world.Copy !req
531. May I humbly
present...Copy !req
532. the backside
of Marty Malt!Copy !req
533. Whoa! Well, pickle my tongue!
You rascal, you didn't
even tell me!Copy !req
534. Tell you what?
Look.Copy !req
535. - Oh, God.
- Kind of weird, you know?Copy !req
536. I don't know. I think
it's kind of funny looking.Copy !req
537. Okay, girls.
Show's over.Copy !req
538. Marty. Marty.Copy !req
539. Hey, Marty.Copy !req
540. When did it
get that big, man?Copy !req
541. It wasn't that big
earlier.Copy !req
542. You're a weirdo, man.
You're a nutcase.Copy !req
543. Hey, Marty.
Mind if we use your bed
for a minute?Copy !req
544. Know what I mean, huh?
Huh?Copy !req
545. I don't know.
Aw, come on, Marty.Copy !req
546. I can't wait.Copy !req
547. Gus!
Marty!Copy !req
548. I guess so.Copy !req
549. That's my boy!Copy !req
550. You sure you don't
want to join us?Copy !req
551. Yeah. Yeah.
I-I-I-I'm sure.Copy !req
552. I'll just wait right here
in the kitchen.
Oh!Copy !req
553. Whoopee!Copy !req
554. I love it!
Here comes Daddy,
you three little vixens!Copy !req
555. Let's get naked!Copy !req
556. Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!Copy !req
557. Ah, Marty!
Marty, come on, man!Copy !req
558. Whoo!Copy !req
559. Oh, Marty.Copy !req
560. This is great!
Ah, man! Oh, God!Copy !req
561. Marty!Copy !req
562. Marty!Copy !req
563. Get away from me!
Please, Ma!Copy !req
564. - Why won't you look at it?
- I can't stand to look at
that thing one more time!Copy !req
565. How can such a thing happen?
How can you do this to me?Copy !req
566. Do you think
I grew this on purpose?Copy !req
567. How do I know why you did it?
You think I could figure out
what goes on in your head?Copy !req
568. You're just like
your father.Copy !req
569. I give you my life,
and what do you do?
You treat me like dirt.Copy !req
570. You think you
bring up a kid right,
and what does he do?Copy !req
571. He pulls a stunt
like this!Copy !req
572. What are you trying to do,
give me a heart attack?Copy !req
573. You know I can't take
this sort of thing!
Do you care? No!Copy !req
574. What do you care?Copy !req
575. I'm running a nightclub here,
not a circus sideshow.Copy !req
576. But, Syd, no one's
gonna see it.
I'm gonna see it!Copy !req
577. Now get the hell out of here.
I don't want no freaks
performing in my club.Copy !req
578. - But, Syd—
- It's not just the arm.Copy !req
579. I've been looking to fire you
for a long time now.
Your jokes stink.Copy !req
580. I got me a new comic. Here.
This here's Rufus Bing.Copy !req
581. He knows comedy.Copy !req
582. Show him your stuff,
Rufus.
Okay.Copy !req
583. So, I go into this coffee shop,
and there's three other guys
in there and me.Copy !req
584. There's an Italian guy,
there's a Swedish guy,Copy !req
585. there's a Jamaican guy
and me.Copy !req
586. And there's one cup
of coffee left.Copy !req
587. Suddenly this Mazatlántian
waitress comes up
and drinks it herself.Copy !req
588. Which just goes to prove...Copy !req
589. nobody can get
a cup of coffee
in this town!Copy !req
590. Look at him! Yeah—
Now, that's comedy!Copy !req
591. - But, Syd—
- That's it!
I've had it with you.Copy !req
592. Take your third arm,
your lousy jokes
and beat it, you freak!Copy !req
593. You're starting
to make me sick.Copy !req
594. I'll give you 20 bucks a day,
uh, Tuesdays and Thursdays.Copy !req
595. Uh, just keep those
original jokes coming.Copy !req
596. Nobody can get
a cup of coffee here!Copy !req
597. Oh, that's rich.
That's rich!Copy !req
598. Who is it?
It's Gus.Copy !req
599. Come on in.Copy !req
600. Hey, Marty!
Look who I brought
to see you.Copy !req
601. - Hi.
- Dr. Scurvy.Copy !req
602. Hmm. What's that growing
out of your back?Copy !req
603. An arm?Copy !req
604. Hey, Marty,
I was down at the dump,
looking around for stuff,Copy !req
605. and who do you suppose
I run into?Copy !req
606. Good old Dr. Scurvy here.Copy !req
607. So, we get to talking
and decided to come
and see ya.Copy !req
608. Yeah, we-we came
to see you and, uh,
we came to help you.Copy !req
609. Help me?
What do you mean?Copy !req
610. What do I mean?Copy !req
611. You seem to have forgotten.
I'm a doctor.Copy !req
612. I fix things.Copy !req
613. Yeah. Yeah!Copy !req
614. Gus, he hated me.
I can't go in.Copy !req
615. Would you
shut up about that?
He didn't hate you.Copy !req
616. Besides,
you got a gimmick now.
It's a crazy idea.Copy !req
617. Let's go home.
No way! Come on!
We're here.Copy !req
618. What's the matter with you?
Don't you ever want
to succeed, huh?Copy !req
619. It'll never work.Copy !req
620. Here we are.Copy !req
621. Jackie Chrome,
talent agent.Copy !req
622. This is a mistake.Copy !req
623. Marty! Marty.
Marty!Copy !req
624. On the other side
of this door sits
the golden key...Copy !req
625. of opportunity.Copy !req
626. Go ahead. Knock.Copy !req
627. You knock.Copy !req
628. Come in.Copy !req
629. Come in. I'll be with you
in just a minute.Copy !req
630. Beautiful! Bravo, kids.
That was wonderful. Wonderful.Copy !req
631. Why don't you, uh,
give me a call
in about a week?Copy !req
632. - I just might have
something for you.
- How exciting.Copy !req
633. In the meantime,
keep up the good work.
Thank you.Copy !req
634. Thank you.
Cheerio.Copy !req
635. Cheerio.
Very nice to meet you.Copy !req
636. Weren't they
a bunch of honeys?Copy !req
637. Mark my word, you'll
be hearing big things
about Marjorie Zipp...Copy !req
638. and Her Human Xylophone.Copy !req
639. Uh—
Do I know you guys?Copy !req
640. As a matter of fact,
you do, Mr. Chrome.Copy !req
641. The name here is Gus,
and I'm sure you remember
Marty Malt.Copy !req
642. Oh, no.
Oh, no, not a chance.Copy !req
643. I thought I told you guys
to drop dead.Copy !req
644. - Calm down there, Mr. Chrome.
- You just take your little
friend and get out.Copy !req
645. Before you jump
to any conclusions,
let me explain.Copy !req
646. You got no explaining
to me, pal. I told you before,
this guy stinks.Copy !req
647. I got no place in my agency
for the likes of him.
Let's go, Gus.Copy !req
648. Sit down.
Mr. Chrome, I don't think
you quite understand.Copy !req
649. I understand perfectly.Copy !req
650. Something wonderful
has happened.Copy !req
651. What? Somebody laughed
at one of his jokes, so now
you think he's star material?Copy !req
652. Get up, Marty.Copy !req
653. Come here.
Come here.Copy !req
654. Come on. Come on.
Get over here.Copy !req
655. Here stands Marty Malt,
a stand-up comedian
extraordinaire,Copy !req
656. but with a difference.
I've just about had it.Copy !req
657. Take your coat off,
Marty.Copy !req
658. No, do me a favor
and leave your coat on
and get the hell out.Copy !req
659. - I've heard enough.Copy !req
660. Turn around, Marty.Copy !req
661. Presenting Marty Malt,Copy !req
662. the comic with
a little something extra.Copy !req
663. I said get the hell out!Copy !req
664. Oh, what have we here,
the old—Copy !req
665. The old "fake arm
out of the back" routine?Copy !req
666. Let me tell you something,
schmuck. I've seen 'em all.
I've seen 'em with—Copy !req
667. I've seen—Copy !req
668. It's real?Copy !req
669. This is real?Copy !req
670. It's— It's real.Copy !req
671. It's real!
It's real!Copy !req
672. Marty Malt.
Marty Malt.Copy !req
673. We gotta do something
about the name, fellas.Copy !req
674. Martin— Marty Malt.
It just doesn't grab me.Copy !req
675. You're right.
Marty Malt,
that name stinks.Copy !req
676. You see, Marty, in showbiz,
everything's in the name.Copy !req
677. The name's more important
than talent even.Copy !req
678. You gotta have a name
that grabs people.Copy !req
679. You gotta have a name
that draws 'em in.Copy !req
680. How 'bout Gus?Copy !req
681. That's— That's wonderful.
That's really wonderful.Copy !req
682. Gus, the Three-Armed Comic,
and His Musical
Accompanist, Gus.Copy !req
683. You guys don't know
a thing about show business.Copy !req
684. You gotta have a name
that's snazzy.Copy !req
685. A name with pizzazz,
you know.Copy !req
686. How about
Peppy Rodriguez?Copy !req
687. No. No.Copy !req
688. The Amazing Maltzie.Copy !req
689. What are you, stupid?
No M's.Copy !req
690. Nothing that sounds
like Malt.Copy !req
691. You don't want anything
that sounds like your real name.Copy !req
692. Beside, we gotta push
the third arm.
That's the important thing.Copy !req
693. Willy the Wonder Comic.Copy !req
694. I like "Wonder."Copy !req
695. I like "Wonder."Copy !req
696. Willy...Copy !req
697. the Three-Armed Wonder.Copy !req
698. - Comic.
- Huh?Copy !req
699. Willy, the Three-Armed
Wonder Comic.Copy !req
700. I got it.Copy !req
701. Desi, the Three-Armed
Wonder Comic.Copy !req
702. Desi?
Perfect.Copy !req
703. Wh-Where did Desi
come from?Copy !req
704. Genius, my boy, genius.Copy !req
705. Welcome to showbiz, Desi,
the Three-Armed Wonder Comic.Copy !req
706. Fellas,
I got you booked Thursday night
at Club Gay Paree. Ooh-la-la.Copy !req
707. Friday night
at Sam's Hoedown Ranch.Copy !req
708. And then I got a gig
for you at Sloppy's
on Saturday and Sunday.Copy !req
709. Sloppy's?
You hear that, Mart?Copy !req
710. We're gonna be performing
at Sloppy's.Copy !req
711. Let me tell you guys,
come this time next week,Copy !req
712. we're gonna be blowing
our noses in money.Copy !req
713. Sam's Hoedown.
I ate a dog there once.Copy !req
714. I've always felt
that the fingernails
and toenails...Copy !req
715. are the most underrated part
of the human anatomy.Copy !req
716. The sensual implications
are, of course, self-evident.Copy !req
717. However, left in
a natural state,Copy !req
718. their crudity,
their vulgarity
is almost unbearable.Copy !req
719. For me, anyway.Copy !req
720. How does it feel
in the shoulder?
Too tight?Copy !req
721. No.
M-Move your arms around.
See how it feels.Copy !req
722. It's good?
Wonderful.
Wonderful.Copy !req
723. You look
pretty sharp, man.Copy !req
724. Nothing's too good
for our boy Marty here,
huh, guys?Copy !req
725. That's right.
A wonderful job, Raoul.
Wonderful.Copy !req
726. Thank you, sir.
I'm rather proud of it
myself.Copy !req
727. Pay the guy, Marty.Copy !req
728. Marty, we're gonna be famous.Copy !req
729. Only I already had four pair.Copy !req
730. But he said I needed new ones,
so I got four more pair,Copy !req
731. just to be on the safe side.Copy !req
732. So now 16 people
can drink in my house.Copy !req
733. I was on a farm recently.Copy !req
734. Farms are such funny places.Copy !req
735. Somewhere
something's missing.Copy !req
736. It wasn't me.
I think his timing was off.Copy !req
737. Well, maybe the jokes
aren't strong enough.Copy !req
738. Maybe if he did it
without his shirt on.Copy !req
739. What? Half naked?Copy !req
740. Let's both do it
totally naked.Copy !req
741. What are you, stupid?
You want me to lose
my license?Copy !req
742. I mean, what we need here
is a gimmick.Copy !req
743. I thought my arm
was the gimmick.Copy !req
744. It is, but we need
more of a gimmick.Copy !req
745. It was probably
just a tough crowd.Copy !req
746. Could be, but we really
need a little spark.Copy !req
747. How about this?
I think I got it.Copy !req
748. Right now I sit
on Marty's left side.Copy !req
749. What if I were to,
unexpectedly,
after the first two jokes,Copy !req
750. move my chair
to Marty's right side?Copy !req
751. Then back again
after two more jokes.Copy !req
752. And then you do that,
like every— every
couple of jokes?Copy !req
753. Yeah.Copy !req
754. Yeah.Copy !req
755. Yeah, I like that.
I mean it would
give the act...Copy !req
756. just enough action
to be entertaining, and yet,Copy !req
757. not so much
it would cover up Marty.Copy !req
758. Yeah, I like that.
That's real good.Copy !req
759. That's real good.Copy !req
760. I hope all that motion
doesn't confuse me.Copy !req
761. I'd hate for my timing
to be thrown off.Copy !req
762. Timing, "schmiming."
There's more important things
to comedy than timing.Copy !req
763. Gus is right, Marty.
I mean, I believe
this is the answer.Copy !req
764. Come on, Marty.
Don't look so down, man.Copy !req
765. The act's gonna work.
It's not that.Copy !req
766. Well, what?
Well, I—Copy !req
767. I've been thinking
about Rosarita.Copy !req
768. - What's a Rosarita?
- Just some old girlfriend.Copy !req
769. She dumped him
when he grew his hand.Copy !req
770. Well, then who needs her?Copy !req
771. That's what
I've been telling him.Copy !req
772. But our Marty here,
he's a sap.Copy !req
773. Are you a sap, Marty?Copy !req
774. Are you a little chump, Marty?Copy !req
775. Go talk to her, Marty.Copy !req
776. No. No way.
She hates me.Copy !req
777. She doesn't hate you.
She just thinks you're some kind
of weirdy or something.Copy !req
778. - You know her, don't you, Gus?
- Yeah.Copy !req
779. Well, you go talk to her
for him.Copy !req
780. No. No.
Don't anybody talk to her.Copy !req
781. Don't you worry
about it, Marty.Copy !req
782. I'll just go have
a little talk with her.Copy !req
783. Just talk.
She'll be begging
to come back to you,Copy !req
784. once she hears
you're on the verge of stardom.Copy !req
785. Hey, I'm doing this
strictly as a favor
to you, Marty.Copy !req
786. I mean,
what are friends for?Copy !req
787. Wow, was that wacky!Copy !req
788. Here comes Lou Moskowitz...Copy !req
789. and His Singing Bunion!Copy !req
790. Are you hungry, Gus?Copy !req
791. Oh, yeah, I'm hungry,
all right.Copy !req
792. What would you like to eat?Copy !req
793. I think what I want
isn't exactly on the menu.Copy !req
794. - So, how's the world
of garbage?
- Oh, didn't you hear?Copy !req
795. Me and Marty
ain't garbagemen no more.Copy !req
796. Oh, yeah?
Yeah.Copy !req
797. We're full-time
showbiz people now.Copy !req
798. That's great.Copy !req
799. How's Marty?
Oh, you know Marty.Copy !req
800. Still the same old dork.
No respect for anybody.Copy !req
801. I mean, look how
he treated you.Copy !req
802. Growing an arm
out of his back.Copy !req
803. Is that any way
to treat a girl?
An arm?Copy !req
804. Yeah. He's bragging about
how glad he is he dumped you.Copy !req
805. Oh, yeah?
Yeah.Copy !req
806. Marty never did know
how to treat a lady.Copy !req
807. But I do.Copy !req
808. Gus, customers aren't allowed
behind the counter.Copy !req
809. Oh, I've always considered
myself more than
just a customer.Copy !req
810. Yeah?
Come on.
You've always wanted me.Copy !req
811. No.
Oh. That doesn't
particularly matter,Copy !req
812. because I've always
wanted you.Copy !req
813. What are you doing?
Don't fight it.Copy !req
814. What are you doing?
Stop.
No.Copy !req
815. Stop.
No.Copy !req
816. Stop.
No.Copy !req
817. Stop it.
No.Copy !req
818. Gus, stop.Copy !req
819. Stop. Stop.Copy !req
820. Stop. Stop.Copy !req
821. No.Copy !req
822. All of a sudden,Copy !req
823. the little old Chinese lady
who worked there
grabbed it and ate it.Copy !req
824. - Which just goes to prove...Copy !req
825. no one can get
a cream puff...
in this town.Copy !req
826. So here's the deal.
Two nights a week.
That's all I'm asking.Copy !req
827. What's a measly
two nights a week?Copy !req
828. Jackie, I like you,
but this act, it stinks.Copy !req
829. It is the dumbest thing
that I have ever seen.Copy !req
830. And what's with the guy
on the accordion?Copy !req
831. What the hell does he keep
running all around for?Copy !req
832. What's the matter?
You don't know anything
about comedy?Copy !req
833. It's called pacing.Copy !req
834. Fat slob.
That's it!Copy !req
835. That is it!Copy !req
836. Get the hell
off of my stage!Copy !req
837. Right now, get 'em off!Copy !req
838. I've had it with you two.
Outta the house. Out!Copy !req
839. Get the hell out of here.
Get the hell out of here.Copy !req
840. Go! Go! Get the hell
out of here.Copy !req
841. I don't wanna
ever see you again!Copy !req
842. You stupid—
Get the hell outta here!
That's the dumbest act—Copy !req
843. Now, you too!Copy !req
844. I've had it with you!
Don't you ever come back!Copy !req
845. And don't you ever show me
another act like that.Copy !req
846. I hope you all
drop dead!Copy !req
847. Oh, go eat your beans.
Whoa!Copy !req
848. What was that all about?
We had that crowd
eating out of our hands.Copy !req
849. Well, he wanted you guys
every night for a year.Copy !req
850. I said, "No can do.
These guys gotta circulate."Copy !req
851. He got mad,
calls Marty a slob.Copy !req
852. The next thing I know
we're in midair.
He called me a slob?Copy !req
853. Geez, Marty, you're always
screwing things up.Copy !req
854. Come on.Copy !req
855. Rosarita.Copy !req
856. I love you, Marty Malt.Copy !req
857. Rosarita.Copy !req
858. Rosarita.Copy !req
859. Hey, Marty!Copy !req
860. Marty, wake up, will ya?Copy !req
861. - Marty, wake up, man!
- Gus.Copy !req
862. Wake up, will ya?
We gotta get over to Jackie's.
Why?Copy !req
863. I don't know, but he said
it was something big.
Something mighty big!Copy !req
864. Say, you didn't happen
to talk to Rosarita lately,
did you?Copy !req
865. Oh, yeah, yeah, I went in
to talk to her about you.Copy !req
866. Man, just forget
about that chick.
What did she say?Copy !req
867. She said she hates guys
with three arms.Copy !req
868. Well, boys, I think
our boat has come in.Copy !req
869. What are you talking about?
Let me put it
to you this way.Copy !req
870. You're gonna
be on television.Copy !req
871. What are you talking about,
you little weasel?Copy !req
872. Does the name Twinkee Doodle
mean anything to you guys?Copy !req
873. Twinkee Doodle's
Amateur Spotlight?Copy !req
874. Desi, the Three-Armed
Wonder Comic and His
Musical Accompaniment, Gus,Copy !req
875. will be filling
the number-two spotlight
on this Sunday's telecast.Copy !req
876. Now don't get too excited.Copy !req
877. I mean, it's just a local thing,
but it's one hell of a start.Copy !req
878. D-Don't you see
what this means?Copy !req
879. This is it!
This is the beginning
of everything.Copy !req
880. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
881. I've been waiting for this
all my life!Copy !req
882. All my life!Copy !req
883. Gus. Gus. Gus, Gus.
Gus. Gus.Copy !req
884. Let's be realistic
about this.Copy !req
885. I mean, accordion players
can come and go,Copy !req
886. but the comedy genius
of Marty Malt and Desi...Copy !req
887. is a one in a million thing.Copy !req
888. You're right.Copy !req
889. Marty here
is our baby boy.Copy !req
890. Hey there, kids.
I know who you've
been waiting for.Copy !req
891. Me!Copy !req
892. Who's the guy
with the talent showCopy !req
893. Twinkee! Twinkee!Copy !req
894. I'm all ready
so come on let's goCopy !req
895. Doodle! Doodle!Copy !req
896. What can you do
Let me seeCopy !req
897. Play the harp
or eat a beeCopy !req
898. Pull your tongue
down to your toeCopy !req
899. Come and do it
on the Twinkee ShowCopy !req
900. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
901. Welcome to the Twinkee Doodle
Amateur Spotlight.Copy !req
902. Boy, have we got
a great show for you tonight.Copy !req
903. We'll start with
Apples Yonahan,Copy !req
904. the Man
With a Thousand Faces.Copy !req
905. Okay, great, good. Thanks.Copy !req
906. You guys are up next.
Oh, my God.
I can't do it.Copy !req
907. Don't freeze up on me now.Copy !req
908. You okay, Gus?
Never felt better
in my life, Mr. "C."Copy !req
909. Twinkee, baby.
Man, I can't
thank you enough.Copy !req
910. Yeah, yeah, great.
There's something I've been
meaning to tell you guys.Copy !req
911. This is TV.
It's not the stage.Copy !req
912. So when you're doing your act,
just stay in one spot. None of
this running around stuff. Okay?Copy !req
913. That's what I've been trying
to tell him, Twinkee. You hear
that, Gus? Stay in one spot.Copy !req
914. You got it, boss.
I gotta run.Copy !req
915. You guys are next.Copy !req
916. That was great!
I love it.
That was Apples.Copy !req
917. Boy, did you see
all those faces?Copy !req
918. Whew! But now we have
a real treat for you guys.Copy !req
919. Keep in mind,
this isn't for the squeamish.Copy !req
920. Give a nice warm
Twinkee Doodle welcome...Copy !req
921. to Desi, the Three-Armed
Wonder Comic...Copy !req
922. and His Accompanist, Gus.Copy !req
923. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
924. I heard this story
the other day...Copy !req
925. about the tortoise
having a race
with a hare.Copy !req
926. And I think
that's pretty stupid.Copy !req
927. Everyone knows a tortoise
is a cold-blooded reptile...Copy !req
928. that moves about
half a mile an hour.Copy !req
929. Of course it will win.
A hair is just something
you pull from someone's head.Copy !req
930. I went into
a butcher shop the other day.Copy !req
931. And there were
three other people
in there and me—Copy !req
932. a Catholic priest,
a Baptist minister,Copy !req
933. a Jewish rabbi and me.Copy !req
934. And only one leg
of lamb on the rack.Copy !req
935. And all of a sudden,
this Buddhist monk
came out of the back room,Copy !req
936. disguised as a bush.Copy !req
937. And he grabbed
the leg of lamb
off the rack...Copy !req
938. and proceeded to beat
everyone up with it.Copy !req
939. Then he hit himself in the face
with the leg of lamb, knocking
himself unconscious.Copy !req
940. And it just goes to prove
a leg of lamb
is worth two in the bush.Copy !req
941. Hmm.Copy !req
942. I was on a farm recently.Copy !req
943. There was this telephone
in the chicken coop.Copy !req
944. And I said to the farmer,
"What is a telephone doing
in the chicken coop?"Copy !req
945. And the farmer said,
"Well, how the heck
should I know?Copy !req
946. They're not my chickens."Copy !req
947. Weren't they great, kids?Copy !req
948. You guys sure are funny.Copy !req
949. Sensational!
Sensational!Copy !req
950. Boys, you hear me?
It was sensational.Copy !req
951. I couldn't have done it
without my Marty here.Copy !req
952. Hey, everybody,
look who's coming now.Copy !req
953. It's Denny Ginkle...Copy !req
954. and His Fantastic Gymnastics.Copy !req
955. Whoo!Copy !req
956. Wonderful. Wonderful.
Excuse me.Copy !req
957. Are you the manager
of Desi, the Three-Armed
Wonder Comic?Copy !req
958. Yes. Jackie Chrome,
talent agent, at your service.Copy !req
959. Dirk Delta.
I'm the talent scout
forThe Night-light Show,Copy !req
960. starring Sammy Dugan
in Hollywood, California.Copy !req
961. The Sammy Dugan?Copy !req
962. You got it, babe.
Wow!Copy !req
963. Well, uh, what can I
do for you, sir?
How about a cigar?Copy !req
964. We're looking for some,
uh, unconventional
entertainment.Copy !req
965. There's just so much competition
in late-night television
these days, you know.Copy !req
966. Yeah, I know.
I know.
You know?Copy !req
967. Does he know?Copy !req
968. Well, I just got
this feeling about Desi.Copy !req
969. He's gonna be
a really big star.Copy !req
970. You got a great eye, sir.
Desi's a great talent.Copy !req
971. We'd like to book him
on next week's show.Copy !req
972. Call my assistant here.
He'll call you back,
and we'll make the deal.Copy !req
973. Keep in mind
that a limo...Copy !req
974. will be waiting for you
on Tuesday.Copy !req
975. Do you hear that, Marty?
We're going to Hollywood! Whoo!Copy !req
976. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!Copy !req
977. Babe, perhaps I didn't
make myself clear.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
978. I want Desi,
the Three-Armed
Wonder Comic.Copy !req
979. I have very little use
for an accordion player.Copy !req
980. - Oh, no!Copy !req
981. Marty, Marty—
Uh, Desi, Desi.Copy !req
982. No way.Copy !req
983. - I'm not going anywhere
without Gus.
- Yeah.Copy !req
984. Would you—
Would you excuse us
for just a moment?Copy !req
985. Excuse us.
Yeah.Copy !req
986. You guys crazy?
Do you realize this is
The Sammy Dugan Show?Copy !req
987. I'm not going on
without Gus.Copy !req
988. Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Marty goes.Copy !req
989. Gets a little notoriety,
then we work the accordion
back in.Copy !req
990. That's the way
you do things.
No, Jackie!Copy !req
991. I'm not going on without Gus.
It's either both of us
or none of us.Copy !req
992. Marty, don't do this.Copy !req
993. Fellas, fellas,
six of one,
half dozen of the other.Copy !req
994. I'll take 'em both.Copy !req
995. I'll see you next Tuesday
in Hollywood.Copy !req
996. People wonder why
they need agents.Copy !req
997. This is the best.
This is the greatest.Copy !req
998. Don't you see?
We're gonna be stars.
Famous!Copy !req
999. The Sammy Dugan Show.
I've been watching that show
ever since I was a kid.Copy !req
1000. Boys, I am
so proud of you.Copy !req
1001. I mean, I knew the first time
I laid eyes on you
that you were going places.Copy !req
1002. And I said to myself,
"You'd better get
a piece of that action."Copy !req
1003. You know, Marty,
I've been thinking.Copy !req
1004. Jackie's fine
for this local junk,Copy !req
1005. but out there in Hollywood,
they got all them
big-time agents.Copy !req
1006. Once they see us
onThe Sammy Dugan Show,Copy !req
1007. they're gonna be
knocking our door down.Copy !req
1008. We got a contract
with Jackie.
Contract, "schmontract."Copy !req
1009. What do you think,
he's gonna fly all the way
out to L.A. to sue us?Copy !req
1010. Maybe.Copy !req
1011. After Tuesday,
we never have to think
about Jackie Chrome again.Copy !req
1012. Marty, opportunity
only knocks once.Copy !req
1013. How come you never
wanna succeed?Copy !req
1014. I don't know.Copy !req
1015. You're right.
You're right.Copy !req
1016. You're always right, Gus.Copy !req
1017. We're going to Hollywood,
and we're going to be big stars.Copy !req
1018. That's my boy.
That's my boy!Copy !req
1019. Hollywood.Copy !req
1020. Quit screaming,
will you, Gus?Copy !req
1021. Where is it, Marty?
Where is it?Copy !req
1022. Where's what?
Your arm!Copy !req
1023. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
1024. Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, Jesus, Marty!Copy !req
1025. Oh, no, you gone
and done it now.Copy !req
1026. I can't believe it.
Where is it? It's gotta
be here somewhere.Copy !req
1027. How could you
do this to me?Copy !req
1028. Well, don't—
don't blame me!
It's not my fault.Copy !req
1029. Oh, well,
whose fault is it?Copy !req
1030. Mine? Huh?Copy !req
1031. Well—
You've—
You've gone...Copy !req
1032. and just ruined
everything.Copy !req
1033. We were so close,
and you—Copy !req
1034. Maybe we—
You wrecked it!Copy !req
1035. Well, I-I never
wanted a third arm
in the first place.Copy !req
1036. Bite your tongue!Copy !req
1037. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1038. Wait a minute.
I got an idea.Copy !req
1039. I don't think
it's gonna work.
Just shut up and trust me.Copy !req
1040. There they are.Copy !req
1041. My two stars.
Come on in.Copy !req
1042. - Morning, Jackie.
- Hey. Hey.Copy !req
1043. Well, I got the phone number
right here.Copy !req
1044. Shall we make the call now?Copy !req
1045. Or should we wait
a minute?
Why don't we make the call?Copy !req
1046. A little nervous, are we?Copy !req
1047. Well, I'm a little nervous
too, fellas.Copy !req
1048. Nervous?
Why should we be nervous?
Do we look nervous?Copy !req
1049. Are you nervous, Marty?
I'm not nervous.
No, I'm not nervous.Copy !req
1050. See? He's not nervous.
Look, it happens
to everybody.Copy !req
1051. I mean, you know,
it's nothing to be ashamed of.Copy !req
1052. You're right.
Jackie, you're right,
as always.Copy !req
1053. We're nervous, all right.
At least I know I'm nervous.Copy !req
1054. Are you nervous, Marty?
Yes, I'm nervous.Copy !req
1055. You see?
We're nervous.Copy !req
1056. Let's get this show
on the road.
What's going on?Copy !req
1057. Going on?Copy !req
1058. We're going to Hollywood,
that's what's going on.Copy !req
1059. Now make the call.Copy !req
1060. You guys are acting funny.Copy !req
1061. Well, um, Marty here's
a comedian.Copy !req
1062. We're supposed to be funny.Copy !req
1063. All right, fellas,
it's just my nerves speaking.Copy !req
1064. I mean, it's the biggest day
of my life, but I'm calm.Copy !req
1065. We understand.
Don't we, Marty?
Yes.Copy !req
1066. I think it would be best
if you made that call.Copy !req
1067. Okay. Okay.
All right.Copy !req
1068. Look, call me crazy,Copy !req
1069. call me
a sentimental old fool,
but before I make this call,Copy !req
1070. you gotta do me one favor.Copy !req
1071. In order to get in the mood,
I-I gotta see Marty
do a spin just once more.Copy !req
1072. No, nah, come on.
Just make the call, will ya?Copy !req
1073. Aw, come on, Just one spin.
I mean, look at my hands,
they're shaking.Copy !req
1074. Without a stage,
it's just going
through the motions.Copy !req
1075. That's all right.Copy !req
1076. Well, I need music.Copy !req
1077. Well, you got Gus's accordion
right there.Copy !req
1078. Marty slammed my hand
in the door on the way
over here. Oh, God.Copy !req
1079. Come on, just one quick spin.
I mean, we can't keep
Dirk Delta waiting. Please.Copy !req
1080. Get out of the way, Gus.Copy !req
1081. One more time, Marty, for me.
Come on, one more.Copy !req
1082. A real one.
Inspire me.Copy !req
1083. Okay.
Yeah.Copy !req
1084. A real spin.
A real spin.Copy !req
1085. Again. Again.Copy !req
1086. - Again. Again.Copy !req
1087. One more time for the Gipper.
Come on.Copy !req
1088. Turn around, Marty.Copy !req
1089. Turn around, Marty.Copy !req
1090. Turn around, Marty.Copy !req
1091. Turn around, Marty.Copy !req
1092. It's gone.
It's gone.Copy !req
1093. It's gone.Copy !req
1094. Where is it?Copy !req
1095. Where is it,
you stupid little maggot?
Where is it?Copy !req
1096. Say, leave him alone,
you bum.Copy !req
1097. Nobody pushes
my Marty around.Copy !req
1098. It's—
It's not my fault.Copy !req
1099. But where is it?Copy !req
1100. Well, who the hell knows
where it is?Copy !req
1101. It just must have
sunk back into him.Copy !req
1102. I'm sorry, Jackie.
I didn't mean to.Copy !req
1103. I'm ruined.Copy !req
1104. It's all over.Copy !req
1105. I'm ruined.Copy !req
1106. What are you talking about,
you're ruined?Copy !req
1107. Hey, that's not
the Jackie I know.Copy !req
1108. What, you're not
even gonna call him?Copy !req
1109. Big deal.
So he doesn't
have three arms.Copy !req
1110. He's still gonna tell
the same jokes. I'm still
gonna play the same notes.Copy !req
1111. They'll never buy it.
Sure they will.Copy !req
1112. I mean, what,
are you gonna give up
without even calling him?Copy !req
1113. - What am I gonna tell him?
- Don't tell him anything.Copy !req
1114. We'll stuff
the bat back in.
Who's gonna know?Copy !req
1115. Everybody knows
the old "fake arm
out of the back" trick.Copy !req
1116. Maybe you should...
tell him the truth.Copy !req
1117. You should call
before it gets too late.Copy !req
1118. Yeah, Dirk Delta's
secretary, please.
Jackie Chrome calling.Copy !req
1119. Hi. This is Jackie Chrome.Copy !req
1120. Yes, yeah, mm-hmm.Copy !req
1121. Tuesday.
Tuesday morning. Okay.Copy !req
1122. Flight 56.
Okay. Yeah.Copy !req
1123. No, that's great.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1124. Yeah, uh, by the way,Copy !req
1125. Desi, the Three-Armed
Wonder Comic,Copy !req
1126. yeah,Copy !req
1127. he's only got two arms.Copy !req
1128. He only has two arms.Copy !req
1129. Yeah.
I'm on hold.Copy !req
1130. Oh, Dirk.
How are you?Copy !req
1131. Mr. Delta, how are you?Copy !req
1132. That's right.
J-Just two.Copy !req
1133. No, no, the one
out of his back.Copy !req
1134. Okay, yeah.
I'm on hold again.Copy !req
1135. - Wh-Wh-What?
- Shh.Copy !req
1136. Right here.
Right here.Copy !req
1137. Uh-huh.Copy !req
1138. Oh, great.Copy !req
1139. Wonderful. Wonderful.
Absolutely.Copy !req
1140. Geez, thanks a million.
Okay, see you Tuesday.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
1141. - What's the beef, chief?Copy !req
1142. It's not as bad
as we thought, boys.
Honesty pays.Copy !req
1143. Honesty pays.
That's what
I've always believed.Copy !req
1144. You heard me tell him
straight out that Marty here's
only got two arms,Copy !req
1145. and he said they've
gotta fill the slot...Copy !req
1146. and all the arrangements
had been made.Copy !req
1147. Uh, I mean, he was honest,
you know. He said, "Comics with
two arms are a dime a dozen."Copy !req
1148. He said, "But Dirk Delta
is a man of his word."Copy !req
1149. I was really impressed.
So here's the deal.Copy !req
1150. He said, "Send out
the accordion player."Copy !req
1151. You're going to Hollywood,
Gus, me boy.Copy !req
1152. You're going to Hollywood!Copy !req
1153. Hollywood?Copy !req
1154. H-H-Hollywood?Copy !req
1155. Do you hear that, Marty?Copy !req
1156. I'm going to Hollywood!Copy !req
1157. Bless you, sir, bless you.Copy !req
1158. Oh!Copy !req
1159. In you go, little lady.
Bye, Marty.Copy !req
1160. Jackie.
Oh, hi, Marty.Copy !req
1161. I'll be seeing you,
buddy, huh?Copy !req
1162. You're going too?Copy !req
1163. Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna open up
this big agency in Hollywood.Copy !req
1164. No more
of this piddly stuff
for Jackie Chrome.Copy !req
1165. But what about me?Copy !req
1166. Ooh, uh,Copy !req
1167. Desi, the Two-Armed
Wonder Comic
has a great snap to it.Copy !req
1168. See ya.Copy !req
1169. See ya, Mart.Copy !req
1170. Can I help you?Copy !req
1171. Where's Rosarita?Copy !req
1172. She doesn't work here anymore.
You gonna order?Copy !req
1173. Mashed potatoes, please.Copy !req
1174. Ladies and gentlemen,
Syd's nightclub is proud
to welcome back...Copy !req
1175. the comedy styling
of Mr. Marty Malt.Copy !req
1176. Up until a few days ago,Copy !req
1177. I had a third arm growing
out of the middle of my back.Copy !req
1178. No.Copy !req
1179. It's true.Copy !req
1180. Three arms.Copy !req
1181. It was very frightening.Copy !req
1182. It started out as a lump.Copy !req
1183. And then it grew into
a... baby hand.Copy !req
1184. Anyway, it eventually
grew into a...Copy !req
1185. - full-sized arm.Copy !req
1186. And my best friend, Gus,Copy !req
1187. said I was a weirdy.Copy !req
1188. Having a third arm
taught me quite a bit
about my friends though.Copy !req
1189. My girlfriend dumped me.Copy !req
1190. Gave me the boot.Copy !req
1191. I guess she didn't like me
always having the upper hand.Copy !req
1192. Now that it's gone though,Copy !req
1193. I kinda miss it.Copy !req
1194. I mean, I was making a lot
of money as the turnstile
at Kiddieland.Copy !req
1195. It's very embarrassing
having three arms though.Copy !req
1196. Every time I would go
to a restaurant,
when I would stand up,Copy !req
1197. people would think
I was the coatrack.Copy !req
1198. At one point
I was so depressed,Copy !req
1199. I thought I would join
the military.Copy !req
1200. But I failed the physical.Copy !req
1201. Can you imagine?Copy !req
1202. Me, not being allowed
to join the army.Copy !req