1. Headquarters, we are still
in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.Copy !req
2. Car 42,
you've been in pursuit for two hours.Copy !req
3. Another five minutes
and you'll be in Arizona.Copy !req
4. Yeah, and we're gonna
stay in pursuit until we catch him.Copy !req
5. It didn't take us that long to catch Dillinger.Copy !req
6. Hi, guys. JJ?Copy !req
7. - JJ?
- (Man) Victor!Copy !req
8. Ooh! Um...Copy !req
9. - You're two hours late.
- I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.Copy !req
10. - Where the hell you been?
- Oh...Copy !req
11. I'm sorry.Copy !req
12. The fuel-injection system.
It's driving me crazy.Copy !req
13. I'm really sorry I'm late, but one of
my hamsters had an anxiety attack.Copy !req
14. I couldn't leave him
till he was settled down.Copy !req
15. He was acting so crazy,
he ate a piece of tail,Copy !req
16. and Henrietta
wasn't even bothering him.Copy !req
17. Then he ate his treadmill. Whoo!Copy !req
18. They got vets for that.
We got other things to worry about.Copy !req
19. Hamsters are a big responsibility.Copy !req
20. Let me paint you a mental picture,
all right, Victor?Copy !req
21. I want you to think of your hamsters
as a little armyCopy !req
22. marching along on a treadmill,Copy !req
23. running their little legs off,
just running as fast as they can,Copy !req
24. making that engine
just purr right along the road.Copy !req
25. Oh, JJ.
What a wonderful way to put it.Copy !req
26. (JJ) Hm!Copy !req
27. Wouldn't it be great if we could share the glory
of winning the Cannonball with them?Copy !req
28. That would be a real team effort.
You, me, the hamsters and... him.Copy !req
29. Don't start with him.
I don't want to talk about him.Copy !req
30. - If you need any help...
- Damn it, I don't want to talk about him!Copy !req
31. OK.Copy !req
32. Sir James!Copy !req
33. Oh, my God. You again?Copy !req
34. Fenderbaum, do me a favor.Copy !req
35. You're drawing flies.
Get the hell out of here.Copy !req
36. No. Wait a minute, Greek.
Only thing I want to know is,Copy !req
37. how are you figuring the odds
on this Cannonball cockamamie?Copy !req
38. It takes brilliance
and years of hard work.Copy !req
39. And you wouldn't understand
any part of that.Copy !req
40. Do me a favor.
A race is a race, right?Copy !req
41. The only thing you gotta do
in the Cannonball is drive steady,Copy !req
42. stay out of trouble
and have a good cover.Copy !req
43. 3,000 miles,
averaging 85 miles an hour.Copy !req
44. Do you know what that is?Copy !req
45. You want to talk
or do you want a bet?Copy !req
46. Nobody.Copy !req
47. What are you, some kind of nut?
Who do you think you are?Copy !req
48. Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
49. I am Captain Chaos.Copy !req
50. And this -
this is my faithful companion, Cato.Copy !req
51. Say hello, Cato.Copy !req
52. Been a cop long?Copy !req
53. That's funny.Copy !req
54. - You wanna talk or you wanna bet?
- You've got 50-1.Copy !req
55. And you know what you got?
You got yourself a bet.Copy !req
56. Twenty big, large ones.Copy !req
57. That's a million dollars.
Ha-ha! If you win.Copy !req
58. I don't know if you know my partner.
Jamie, you remember Jimmy the Greek.Copy !req
59. - Hmmm!
- Ha! Jamie Blake.Copy !req
60. You used to drive that Formula One.Copy !req
61. When high-buttoned shoes
were in style.Copy !req
62. Let me tell you something, Greek.
We got a secret weapon.Copy !req
63. God is our copilot.Copy !req
64. You'll need him.Copy !req
65. - God is our copilot?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
66. Remember our car?Copy !req
67. - Yeah.
- Two seats.Copy !req
68. Two seats.Copy !req
69. Where's he gonna sit?Copy !req
70. Where?Copy !req
71. (JJ) Listen to me, el Porko.Copy !req
72. We're not in the Indianapolis 500.Copy !req
73. We can't have a car with numbers on it.Copy !req
74. - We have to camouflage the car somehow.
- Like what, JJ?Copy !req
75. How about a limousine with diplomatic plates?Copy !req
76. - Nah.
- No.Copy !req
77. I know. A bloodmobile.Copy !req
78. - Never stop a bloodmobile, would they?
- Nah.Copy !req
79. Ice-cream truck. An ice-cream truck.
You know, they got to get there before it melts.Copy !req
80. Nah.Copy !req
81. Terrific.
We're out of beer, Victor.Copy !req
82. Sorry.Copy !req
83. Take it easy! You're acting crazy
since this Cannonball thing.Copy !req
84. (JJ) I'm gonna pull in here
and get some beer, all right?Copy !req
85. (JJ) How about an armored personnel carrier?
They wouldn't stop that, would they?Copy !req
86. Thank you.Copy !req
87. We could get a black Trans Am.
No, that's been done.Copy !req
88. Hello, Mother.
I trust you had a pleasant day.Copy !req
89. A nightmare. A living nightmare.
You are killing me, Seymour.Copy !req
90. Killing me a slow death
with this idiot spy business.Copy !req
91. - Mother, you don't understand.
- What is there to understand?Copy !req
92. I'm looking at my son,
Seymour Goldfarb Jr,Copy !req
93. son of Seymour Goldfarb,
God rest his soul,Copy !req
94. and heir to the Goldfarb Girdles fortune.Copy !req
95. And what is he doing?Copy !req
96. Walking around, acting,Copy !req
97. like he was some goy movie star
named Roger Moore.Copy !req
98. And for this
I sent you to the best schools?Copy !req
99. For this I'm spending 8,000
on orthodontia work?Copy !req
100. For this I'm going broke,
paying that Beverly Hills analyst?Copy !req
101. And now... Ha-ha!Copy !req
102. this.Copy !req
103. The sleep-in maid found it
under your pillow this morning.Copy !req
104. What is the meaning of this?Copy !req
105. The meaning, Mother dear,
is a quick death.Copy !req
106. I warned you
not to interfere in my affairs.Copy !req
107. Seymour, put that away.
It's liable to go off.Copy !req
108. I'm terribly sorry, Mother,
but you know too much.Copy !req
109. You see, in my business,Copy !req
110. even the deepest family relationships
aren't worth a farthing.Copy !req
111. Farthing, schmarthing.Copy !req
112. - No.
- Zei gezunt, Mama.Copy !req
113. (Pop)Copy !req
114. - Oy! Where did I go wrong?Copy !req
115. You know something, Mama?
You're too Jewish.Copy !req
116. (JJ) We could always
go with a nice, plain-Jane Chevy,Copy !req
117. with a truckload of Sidewinder missiles!Copy !req
118. Maybe you should slow this down
just a little bit!Copy !req
119. - I can't hear you!
- I said, you're making waves!Copy !req
120. You're bothering the people!Copy !req
121. What the hell has going too fast
got to do with being in the Cannonball?Copy !req
122. JJ, you're making very big waves!Copy !req
123. - Hi. How are ya?Copy !req
124. Aaargh!Copy !req
125. You guys are lucky.
You tore the heck out of that boat.Copy !req
126. - You all right, Victor?
- Oh, I'm fine, JJ.Copy !req
127. It only hurts when I point.Copy !req
128. You know,
maybe it would've been better,Copy !req
129. if you didn't pay so much attention
to those girls.Copy !req
130. - Nobody's perfect.
- That's true.Copy !req
131. Nobody's perfect, but him.Copy !req
132. Sorry.Copy !req
133. How far is it to the hospital?Copy !req
134. - About ten miles.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
135. - How long will it take us to get there?
- About four or five minutes.Copy !req
136. You can smoke through traffic
like shot through a gun in this thing.Copy !req
137. Argh!Copy !req
138. Jackie Chan.Copy !req
139. Here's Johnny!Copy !req
140. Jackie Chan.Copy !req
141. Godzilla movie.Copy !req
142. Michael Hui.Copy !req
143. Excuse me.Copy !req
144. Camel.Copy !req
145. Not the Camel, schmuck.
Winston.Copy !req
146. Ah!Copy !req
147. Starting tomorrow, you and George
will be riding in the car with me.Copy !req
148. Yes, sir.Copy !req
149. How goes your driving, my brother?Copy !req
150. Allah be praised, dear sister.Copy !req
151. My speed is rivaled only by the lightning bolts
from the heavens!Copy !req
152. And I suppose you still intend to go through
that race with the infidel Americans.Copy !req
153. - The Cannonball will fall to the forces of Islam!Copy !req
154. My dear sister. I pledge it!Copy !req
155. Drink! Drink!Copy !req
156. - The car will be there, correct?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.Copy !req
157. Don't forget to cancel
the board meeting on Monday.Copy !req
158. I'm going to spend a week in Spain
at the castle.Copy !req
159. Yes, Mr. Compton.Copy !req
160. I want you to find an old friend
of mine, a Mr. Shakey Finch.Copy !req
161. He is the finest long-distance
motorcycle rider in this nation.Copy !req
162. - You got it?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.Copy !req
163. The board has asked me
to express their concern one more time.Copy !req
164. - Please reconsider.
- Not possible, Arthur.Copy !req
165. The board will have to permit me
this one indulgence to my ego.Copy !req
166. - Boy, ain't he something?
- Are you kidding?Copy !req
167. That is the dumbest thing I've seen since
that dimwit tried to jump the Grand Canyon.Copy !req
168. He's still on our ass.Copy !req
169. I don't think... I don't think...
I don't think he's a-bluffing, either.Copy !req
170. Now, don't you worry, son.Copy !req
171. I'm gonna lose him
right up here at the motel.Copy !req
172. Hey, I remember.
There's a spot...Copy !req
173. There... There's a spot in... right in back,
and it's a perfect spot to hide.Copy !req
174. All right. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.Copy !req
175. Take a... Take...Copy !req
176. - Left.
- Oh, hell.Copy !req
177. - Take a left.
- Left.Copy !req
178. - I can't see shit. Can you?
- No problem, son. No problem.Copy !req
179. What was that?Copy !req
180. That's... That's...Copy !req
181. That's p-p-p-p-perfect.Copy !req
182. That's better than hiding it...
That's better than hiding it out back.Copy !req
183. I know.
But the only problem we got now,Copy !req
184. is we have to go and retune it.Copy !req
185. All right?Copy !req
186. Let's go get a beer first.Copy !req
187. Yeah, let's go get a... Let's... Beer.Copy !req
188. I'd like to thank Mona Corson of WestportCopy !req
189. for that wonderful luncheon of
hemp sandwiches and woodchip consommé.Copy !req
190. And now,
the moment you've all been waiting for.Copy !req
191. This is a titty turn...
Terrific turnout for the meeting.Copy !req
192. - Yes, terrific.
- He led the campaignCopy !req
193. to ban the use of electric toothbrushes
during peak load hours,Copy !req
194. - and to sound the alarm...Copy !req
195. I suppose you, uh...
came here to hear me speak.Copy !req
196. No, no, not really. I'm into trees.Copy !req
197. Ah.Copy !req
198. Trees.Copy !req
199. Friends of Nature love trees,
so I come to the meetings.Copy !req
200. That's very interesting.Copy !req
201. I love anybody who loves trees.Copy !req
202. Well, they happen
to be a great passion of mine.Copy !req
203. You know what I like best about trees?Copy !req
204. No, what?Copy !req
205. That you can lie under them
on a moonlit nightCopy !req
206. with the breeze blowing,Copy !req
207. bawl your brains out.Copy !req
208. - Mr. Arthur J Foyt.Copy !req
209. Mr. Foyt. Mr. Foyt.Copy !req
210. Give that sucker some juice.Copy !req
211. The only thing hiding it... hiding it...
hiding it in the... poolCopy !req
212. did was... m-make it p-purty.Copy !req
213. It ain't running worth a shit.
And it's wet.Copy !req
214. I know that.
Just hit it one more time, all right?Copy !req
215. Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!Copy !req
216. I know what's wrong.Copy !req
217. Don't think for a minute...Copy !req
218. that we in WashingtonCopy !req
219. don't appreciate your Mothers' MarchCopy !req
220. to ban the sale
of colored toilet paperCopy !req
221. to, uh, help reduce irritation of the, uh...Copy !req
222. - rectum!Copy !req
223. But today,
I want to direct my remarksCopy !req
224. to an old and familiar enemy.Copy !req
225. The automobile.Copy !req
226. All right. One more time.
Let me hear it.Copy !req
227. Ha! It's...Copy !req
228. - I-It reminds me of a, uh... a poem I wrote.Copy !req
229. The automobile, the automobile...Copy !req
230. (Man 1) Who was that?
(Man 2) Get your hand out of my face.Copy !req
231. Are you all right?Copy !req
232. They picked on the wrong one this time!Copy !req
233. I guarantee
they're gonna pay for this,Copy !req
234. because when the going gets tough,
the tough get going!Copy !req
235. She's running good now, buddy.Copy !req
236. I still think we ought to paint it.Copy !req
237. If we're gonna paint it, let's go ahead
and Midasize it, all right?Copy !req
238. Hey, there's the motel.Copy !req
239. Look at the parking lot.
The Cannonballers have it all jammed up.Copy !req
240. Man, I can't handle this traffic.Copy !req
241. Hold on to your lunch pail.Copy !req
242. - This may get a little weird.
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
243. Slow down!Copy !req
244. - Hey, you the one running this fleabag?
- Huh-uh!Copy !req
245. - Where the hookers?
- What?Copy !req
246. Hookers, man. Where the hookers?Copy !req
247. Excuse me. Excuse me.Copy !req
248. - Hello, Mad Dog.
- Hey, JJ.Copy !req
249. You probably didn't realize,
but the parking lot's outside.Copy !req
250. - I know. Brakes went out.
- Do you think you're the President?Copy !req
251. Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear.Copy !req
252. We feel terrible about it.
And if they can't take a joke...Copy !req
253. Thank goodness.
We just had a terrible accident.Copy !req
254. - We'd like to help you, but we're off duty.
- This man looks bad. Maybe he's dead.Copy !req
255. You should call the coroner.
JJ, he don't look too good.Copy !req
256. Nah.Copy !req
257. - He's just had his bell rung.
- Can't you do something?Copy !req
258. - I mean, you're professionals.
- This is our day off.Copy !req
259. Will you guys do something?Copy !req
260. This man's life is hanging by a thread!Copy !req
261. Victor.Copy !req
262. You have to be very scientific about this.
It could go up the nostrils, affect the sinuses.Copy !req
263. That's true.Copy !req
264. Hm?Copy !req
265. There.Copy !req
266. Don't bother about the bill.Copy !req
267. Just give him a couple of enemas
and call me in the morning.Copy !req
268. Hi. How's it going?Copy !req
269. - Perfect.
- We'd like two singles.Copy !req
270. JJ McClure, Victor Prinzim.Copy !req
271. I'll be in the bar.Copy !req
272. I always like a couple of drinks
right after surgery.Copy !req
273. I wonder why that guy
parked his truck in the lobby.Copy !req
274. Only in America.
Get me 12 suites.Copy !req
275. - Better yet, the entire floor.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
276. Ah! Too much couscous.Copy !req
277. I sure as H
would like to get my hands onCopy !req
278. those Hell's Angels
who were driving that truck.Copy !req
279. But it's probably just as well,Copy !req
280. because I am a wild bull
when I lose my temper.Copy !req
281. - I love wild bulls.
- Oh!Copy !req
282. It's really funny that you should...
Oh, my God. It's them.Copy !req
283. - "Them" who?
- Those Hell's Angels.Copy !req
284. - They could be part of a terrorist group.
- I don't know.Copy !req
285. But this place is filling up...
with some real hoodlums.Copy !req
286. Did you see anything weird back there?Copy !req
287. - No.
- I'm gonna find out.Copy !req
288. Why is it so difficult for you
to find a doctor?Copy !req
289. It's very, very hard.Copy !req
290. It's not easy finding a doctor
to take off like that.Copy !req
291. - Dr. Gay doesn't even leave his house.
- If you're gonna win the CannonballCopy !req
292. driving an ambulance,
you have to have a doctor in the...Copy !req
293. What does Dr. Gay do?Copy !req
294. He's my shrink.
He was committed yesterday.Copy !req
295. - Why?
- He was smoking bananas.Copy !req
296. He gets very upset when he talks to...
him.Copy !req
297. - So do I.
- Oh.Copy !req
298. Sorry.
I don't want fruit in my drink.Copy !req
299. Congratulations. Here's to you.
Good luck.Copy !req
300. - Much obliged.
- And to you, Father.Copy !req
301. You dumb shits.Copy !req
302. They haven't got a chance.
You know what?Copy !req
303. I think I'm gonna call the Greek
and put another 10,000 on us.Copy !req
304. - JJ.
- Mm.Copy !req
305. What about those two?Copy !req
306. Maybe... Maybe one of those beauties
could be our patient.Copy !req
307. - Both of them could be.
- Woof!Copy !req
308. Hm. I could be very patient with those patients.
They're very lickable... very likeable.Copy !req
309. Tell you what. Let's, the two of us,
go over there and talk to them.Copy !req
310. - OK.
- I'll do all the talking.Copy !req
311. - Victor, you just think about the doctor.
- OK.Copy !req
312. - Argh! Ooh!Copy !req
313. Oh!Copy !req
314. - Good evening, ladies.
- Evening.Copy !req
315. My name is JJ McClure.
This is Victor Prinzim, my executive assistant.Copy !req
316. - Hi...
- I'll do the talking, Victor.Copy !req
317. Terrorists, my dimpled ass.Copy !req
318. These people make terrorists
look like the Sisters of Charity.Copy !req
319. These guys are Cannonballers.Copy !req
320. What is that, a bowling team?Copy !req
321. We're the favorites
to win the Cannonball tomorrow,Copy !req
322. and I was wondering if one of you,
or both of you,Copy !req
323. might like to ride in the winning vehicle.Copy !req
324. That would be very exciting.Copy !req
325. Exciting.Copy !req
326. But we're Cannonballers ourselves.
Thank you.Copy !req
327. They're Cannonballers?Copy !req
328. And, as for the winning vehicle, well,
we'll just have to wait and see.Copy !req
329. You haven't seen our equipment.Copy !req
330. Equipment?Copy !req
331. Equipment.Copy !req
332. Hi.Copy !req
333. Don't tell me your name.
Let me guess.Copy !req
334. Melissa.Copy !req
335. No.Copy !req
336. Juliette.Copy !req
337. - No.
- Betty?Copy !req
338. No.Copy !req
339. I'll just call you Beauty, OK?Copy !req
340. Aw. That's nice.Copy !req
341. Thank you.Copy !req
342. Sit down.Copy !req
343. - Are you one of those volleyballers?
- Cannonballers.Copy !req
344. - No.
- Why are you dressed up like that?Copy !req
345. Humanitarian reasons.Copy !req
346. I'm a wealthy philanthropist.Copy !req
347. Me and my partner,
we just ride around in an ambulance,Copy !req
348. looking for accidents,
trying to help people.Copy !req
349. I don't think we were put on this earth
to hurt people,Copy !req
350. I think we were put on this earth
to help people.Copy !req
351. - That's beautiful.
- Thank you.Copy !req
352. You must be a sensitive person.Copy !req
353. - I try to be.
- I bet you're a fan of Rod McKuen's.Copy !req
354. I listen to him every night.Copy !req
355. I'm into trees.Copy !req
356. - Have you ever heard of Joyce Kilmer?
- Yeah.Copy !req
357. - She wrote a really terrific poem about a tree.
- Uh... He.Copy !req
358. Who?Copy !req
359. - He.
- He is a she?Copy !req
360. - She's a he.
- Oh!Copy !req
361. Well, he wrote a really terrific poem
about a tree.Copy !req
362. Yeah.Copy !req
363. - You know what I like best about trees?
- No, what?Copy !req
364. That you can lie under them
on a moonlit night,Copy !req
365. - the leaves gently blowing...Copy !req
366. - Sorry about that.
- It's all right.Copy !req
367. What were you saying about trees?Copy !req
368. I was saying,
what I like best about trees is that,Copy !req
369. on a moonlit night
you can lie under them,Copy !req
370. - with the leaves gently blowing...
- JJ?Copy !req
371. Hey, JJ, you'll never believe
what just happened to him!Copy !req
372. - I don't want to talk about it.
- He had the most wonderful time.Copy !req
373. I don't want to talk about...
Victor, Beauty. Beauty, Victor.Copy !req
374. - Hello, Victor.
- You really are.Copy !req
375. - You wanna hear about the doc?
- He can tell me about the doctor.Copy !req
376. - Oh, it's about the doctor.
- It's really important.Copy !req
377. - We need a doc for the ambulance.
- It'll keep!Copy !req
378. - I'll just leave you two alone.
- But, listen, I think you should hear...Copy !req
379. - It'll keep!
- It's really important.Copy !req
380. I want to talk to her.Copy !req
381. Who?Copy !req
382. - Now do you wanna hear about the doc?
- No!Copy !req
383. It'll keep.Copy !req
384. Hey, Brad, old buddy! Ha-ha!
How the hell are you?Copy !req
385. Shakey. My God, it is you.
Hello, Shakey!Copy !req
386. Shakey, it's kind of tough
to get close to you.Copy !req
387. - Last time I saw you, you were more svelte.
- What can I tell you?Copy !req
388. In the pizza business, when things are slow,
you tend to eat the inventory.Copy !req
389. Listen, that's not good for the Cannonball.Copy !req
390. You know that. You don't need a motorcycle.
You need the Super Chief.Copy !req
391. Even with the extra tonnage,
I'm still the best there is.Copy !req
392. Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.Copy !req
393. I got a throttle that's been sticking.
Why don't you fix that?Copy !req
394. Boss, this is the biggest coup
in the history of the Safety Enforcement Unit.Copy !req
395. We're gonna blow
this Cannonball thing wide openCopy !req
396. and then we're gonna hit Congress
for a real budgetCopy !req
397. that will allow us
to play some real hardball.Copy !req
398. I mean, this is our Three Mile Island
and Love Canal combined.Copy !req
399. Oooh!Copy !req
400. Unnnnh!Copy !req
401. - What's wrong?
- Look at the chicks.Copy !req
402. - What is it?
- Look at those chicks.Copy !req
403. Boy, if we were Methodists,Copy !req
404. what a shot we could have
of getting laid right here.Copy !req
405. Listen, I want to get up there.
I don't want to miss a thing.Copy !req
406. No. Yes. Yes.Copy !req
407. All right. There you go.Copy !req
408. Just as good as new.
Give her a try.Copy !req
409. - That's it?
- That's it.Copy !req
410. All right.Copy !req
411. We'll see.Copy !req
412. I don't think it's the throttle!
I think it's the clutch!Copy !req
413. - Goodbye.Copy !req
414. Look out!Copy !req
415. Hey, watch out! Watch out!Copy !req
416. Coming through!Copy !req
417. What in the hell was that?Copy !req
418. Oh! That must be the entry
of the National Safety Council.Copy !req
419. Good day.Copy !req
420. I am here to participate
in your little jaunt to California.Copy !req
421. Well, of course.
If you would sign in here, please.Copy !req
422. Hold still, Petey. Say cheese.Copy !req
423. I realize the novelty of a major celebrity
entering your little race,Copy !req
424. but kindly resist the temptation and keep
the media coverage to a minimum.Copy !req
425. Thank you.Copy !req
426. Will you hurry the hell up?Copy !req
427. - Got it?
- I got it. Hurry up, will ya?Copy !req
428. Man does not live on... on bread alone.Copy !req
429. What concerns me is,
do we have enough ice for all this beer?Copy !req
430. - P-p-p-p! Plenty.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
431. Yeah, well, how about food, son?
Did you bring enough food?Copy !req
432. - Plenty.
- Get serious. Give me the rest of that beer.Copy !req
433. Excuse me, good sisters, if you will.Copy !req
434. Father, we do have a race to run,
and we're running a little late.Copy !req
435. So, come on.
Will you excuse him, good sisters?Copy !req
436. - Bye-bye.
- Don't run off. Tonight's the night.Copy !req
437. (Man) OK. I'd like to welcome you allCopy !req
438. to an event
that's sometimes been calledCopy !req
439. the automotive counterpart
to the Bay of Pigs.Copy !req
440. You all are certainly
the most distinguished groupCopy !req
441. of highway scofflaws and degenerates
ever gathered together in one place.Copy !req
442. We're gonna have a lot of fun.Copy !req
443. Of course, certain skeptics noteCopy !req
444. that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's
most elite highway patrolmenCopy !req
445. are out there waiting for us after we start,
but let's think positively.Copy !req
446. Think of the fact
that there is not one state in the 50Copy !req
447. that has the death penalty
for speeding.Copy !req
448. - Although I'm not so sure about Ohio.Copy !req
449. Everybody is gonna get a card like this.Copy !req
450. When you leave, you're gonna
punch out here at this time clock.Copy !req
451. 3,000 miles, roughly, away from hereCopy !req
452. is another time clock just like that
at the Portofino Inn.Copy !req
453. The difference between the two times
is your time across the country.Copy !req
454. The record stands at
32 hours and 51 minutes.Copy !req
455. Believe it or not,Copy !req
456. those guys did break
the 55-mile-an-hour speed limit.Copy !req
457. Let's get that first car up here.
We're gonna get this thing under way.Copy !req
458. Go!Copy !req
459. (JJ) Victor.
I know.Copy !req
460. All right. Where is the doctor?Copy !req
461. - I got everything else.
- Where's the doctor?Copy !req
462. - I got 60 gallons of gasoline.
- Read my lips.Copy !req
463. Where is the doctor?Copy !req
464. - The auxiliary tanks are full...
- I gave you one responsibility,Copy !req
465. to get a doctor. Now, where is he?Copy !req
466. He got sick.Copy !req
467. Listen to what I'm telling you.Copy !req
468. You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare,Copy !req
469. get me Dr. Livingstone,
get me Dr. Frankenstein.Copy !req
470. Just get me a doctor.
Go where the doctors hang out.Copy !req
471. - Where's that?
- Bars, golf courses.Copy !req
472. Golf course, bar. Where else? Hospital!Copy !req
473. Try there too.Copy !req
474. My jet will take you to California.Copy !req
475. It's time for you to punch out.Copy !req
476. I'll see you in California.
I love you!Copy !req
477. A toast to us, you and me.
We're gonna win the whole thing.Copy !req
478. It's a cinch.Copy !req
479. The more I look around
and see these turkeys, I have...Copy !req
480. While you're drinking,
that truck to the left.Copy !req
481. Isn't that JJ McClure?Copy !req
482. He's nothing.
Don't worry about him.Copy !req
483. It's the blimp next to him.
The blimp.Copy !req
484. When he puts on that mask,
he'll blow your goddamn doors off.Copy !req
485. - You understand that? The blimp!Copy !req
486. - Is that weird?
- Wow!Copy !req
487. It's a Nevada license plate.Copy !req
488. And that's whiskey, zebra, alpha,Copy !req
489. niner, fiver, zero.Copy !req
490. - You got that?
- What?Copy !req
491. It's...
Just write WZA 9...Copy !req
492. Here. Will you let me do it?Copy !req
493. WZA 950. See?Copy !req
494. Whiskey, zebra, alpha,Copy !req
495. - niner, fiver, zero.
- Oh.Copy !req
496. Oh.Copy !req
497. OK, so it's Interstate 80
through Pennsylvania.Copy !req
498. - Pick up...
- Oh, that's a good-looking piece.Copy !req
499. And cunningly disguised
so it won't look like a racing car.Copy !req
500. You know, the cops would never
give that a second glance.Copy !req
501. 220 miles an hour, and they
aren't gonna get a second glance.Copy !req
502. Hey, when we get to California,
I got a place out at Palos Verdes...Copy !req
503. You boys gonna start this thing
or just sit there and wait for that paint to dry?Copy !req
504. Yes, sir.Copy !req
505. How long till we stop?Copy !req
506. - Eight hours!
- Damn! I... I gotta go to the john!Copy !req
507. Go.Copy !req
508. Mad Dog, you are gonna take
the shortcut to the interstate, aren't you?Copy !req
509. We're here to win, ain't we?Copy !req
510. - If you gonna be a bear, be a grizzly!Copy !req
511. My God, Pamela. Did you see that?Copy !req
512. They drove right through those trees.Copy !req
513. I love trees. Did I tell you...Copy !req
514. We are going right down thereCopy !req
515. and bring this thing
to a screeching halt, right now.Copy !req
516. Buckle up. We're going into action.Copy !req
517. Would you mind?Copy !req
518. Very civil.Copy !req
519. Might be easier with your lights on.Copy !req
520. Why advertise?Copy !req
521. - Wait a minute, Father.
- What?Copy !req
522. That's a no-no. They haven't allowed that
for nearly 2,000 years.Copy !req
523. No, look. I'm a liberal wing,
way out, on the other part of the church.Copy !req
524. - It's nothing at all.
- Keep flying, Father.Copy !req
525. "Keep flying."Copy !req
526. How about just one of you?Copy !req
527. Who says cops
won't stop honeymooners?Copy !req
528. Anyhow, why do I have to be the bride?Copy !req
529. Shut up, sweetie, and punch the clock.Copy !req
530. - OK, go slow until I get my wig on.
- Yes, dear.Copy !req
531. Old pal of mine,
are we all set for California?Copy !req
532. Damn you. Next time, Methodist.
You understand? Methodist!Copy !req
533. - All right, pal of mine.
- OK, OK. You're all right.Copy !req
534. OK, now, who's driving?Copy !req
535. - You're driving.
- You are.Copy !req
536. - I can't drive.
- Then I'm driving.Copy !req
537. - Yeah, I think you are.
- OK.Copy !req
538. All right. Put me down.Copy !req
539. You drive. You hold this.
I'll get in the car.Copy !req
540. - Come on.
- I'm coming.Copy !req
541. Somebody's hat.Copy !req
542. Hold my drink.Copy !req
543. Hit it!Copy !req
544. Thank you, good sisters.Copy !req
545. May the good Lord take a liking to you,
but not too soon.Copy !req
546. Bless you, my children.Copy !req
547. Those guys are more juiced up
than that Ferrari.Copy !req
548. - JJ! JJ, wait! I got the doc!
- Terrific.Copy !req
549. No, wait. He's in the ambulance.
This way.Copy !req
550. Come on!Copy !req
551. Before I open this,
don't get your hopes up too high.Copy !req
552. - I was pressed for time.
- No problem.Copy !req
553. Holy shit.Copy !req
554. I'm honored, sir!Copy !req
555. I'm Doctor Nikol...Copy !req
556. Nikolas Van Helsing,
professor of proctologyCopy !req
557. and other related tendencies.Copy !req
558. Graduate of the University of Rangoon
and assorted night classesCopy !req
559. at the Knoxville, Tennessee,
College of Faith Healing.Copy !req
560. You may be a little overqualified
for this job.Copy !req
561. You got your equipment with you?Copy !req
562. I never go anywhere without it.Copy !req
563. However, in my particular line of work,
I seldom need more than this.Copy !req
564. Or this.Copy !req
565. We'll talk about this later, huh?Copy !req
566. Now, sir,
before we commence this odyssey,Copy !req
567. which I understand will carry us
across this grand nation,Copy !req
568. from sea to shining sea,Copy !req
569. there's the matter of my compensation.Copy !req
570. I've determined that my services
will require the payment of $2,000.Copy !req
571. I was thinking
more along the lines of $200.Copy !req
572. For... Fortunately,
my practice allows me a certain flexibility.Copy !req
573. After checking my schedule,
I find I'll be able to make the journey.Copy !req
574. As far as the money's concerned,
you got a deal.Copy !req
575. We're off.Copy !req
576. - Here we go.
- Here we go.Copy !req
577. 3,000 carefree,
madcap miles to California.Copy !req
578. California, here we come,
right back where we started from.Copy !req
579. Thanks to you, Victor,
we do not have a female patient in the back.Copy !req
580. - Thanks to your wonderful cousin Tessie.
- It's not my fault she didn't fit in the stretcher.Copy !req
581. - Doesn't fit in the ambulance.
- I got the doc here, didn't I?Copy !req
582. Don't you ever tell me where you got him.Copy !req
583. - I don't want to know where you got him.
- OK.Copy !req
584. I was just surprised
that all the animals there were...Copy !req
585. - I don't want to know where you got him!
- OK.Copy !req
586. - Hey, maybe I could be the patient.Copy !req
587. That's a good idea.
Everybody would believe you were sick.Copy !req
588. - Wouldn't you believe he's sick?
- Want me to examine him?Copy !req
589. JJ. Him doesn't like it
when you say bad things about me,Copy !req
590. and you know that.Copy !req
591. Thanks to you, though,
we don't have a female patient.Copy !req
592. And we've got to find a female...Copy !req
593. JJ.Copy !req
594. Damn Cannonballers.Copy !req
595. - Hi. I'm so happy you're here.
- Hi.Copy !req
596. - Can you help me with Mr, um...
- Foyt.Copy !req
597. - Foyt.
- Sure. That's what I'm here for.Copy !req
598. Mr. Foyt, go around
and get in the emergency entrance.Copy !req
599. Come on right here.Copy !req
600. There we go. Hit it!Copy !req
601. Wait, I'm not...Copy !req
602. Ow!Copy !req
603. This is really terrific,Copy !req
604. the way you guys
go around helping people.Copy !req
605. Next year we're going for the Nobel Prize.
That's where the big bucks are.Copy !req
606. You forgot Mr...Copy !req
607. Uh... Mr...Copy !req
608. - Foyt.
Foyt!Copy !req
609. Mm. Well, we got you.Copy !req
610. We're batting.500. Nobody's perfect.Copy !req
611. I think you have to go back and pick him up.Copy !req
612. We'd really like to,
but we're on a tight schedule.Copy !req
613. We're on our way to California.Copy !req
614. You'd be amazed how many sick people
there are out there.Copy !req
615. They need our help.
We could pick him up on the way back.Copy !req
616. Victor, can you help me?Copy !req
617. No, I can't. I can't do anything.Copy !req
618. But... he can.Copy !req
619. Who can?Copy !req
620. Him.Copy !req
621. Excuse me.Copy !req
622. Doctor...Copy !req
623. My God, the perfect specimen.Copy !req
624. JJ, you want me
to start the examination right away?Copy !req
625. I'm gonna like this job.
Right here, honey.Copy !req
626. No, thank you. Not right now.Copy !req
627. Of course, man. This took 30 years.Copy !req
628. (Hui) Never be able to see us,
the son of a guns.Copy !req
629. I'm really sorry
about that little lapse, Officer.Copy !req
630. Normally,
I drive right around the speed limit.Copy !req
631. We all make mistakes, miss, but 160?
That's a little more than a lapse.Copy !req
632. What the hell is going on here?
Everybody's driving like maniacs.Copy !req
633. I don't know, Officer.Copy !req
634. Let me see your driver's license, please.Copy !req
635. Ah, what the hell? I can't penalize
nice girls like you for a little indiscretionCopy !req
636. with the whole road
packed with speed-crazy lunatics.Copy !req
637. Here. You girls have a nice trip.Copy !req
638. - Drive carefully and take it easy.
- Thank you.Copy !req
639. - Come back and see us next year.
- Bye.Copy !req
640. Take care.Copy !req
641. Keep it in the road.Copy !req
642. I don't know why you're pouting.
I mean, look,Copy !req
643. we're taking a nice,
leisurely trip to California.Copy !req
644. And we're picking up the bills.
This could be fun.Copy !req
645. I can't believe this is happening to me.Copy !req
646. This is not a joke anymore.
I'm being kidnapped.Copy !req
647. You can call it kidnapping,
if you want to be rude.Copy !req
648. Just think, we have a professional
physician on boardCopy !req
649. in case somebody gets swamp fever.Copy !req
650. You guys are strange.Copy !req
651. - JJ?
- Yeah?Copy !req
652. - We got company.
- Yeah, I hear.Copy !req
653. OK, Beauty. You lie down
and be a patient for the police.Copy !req
654. - No.
- Come on.Copy !req
655. Don't! I'm not gonna help you.
You didn't even help Mr...Copy !req
656. - Foyt.
Foyt.Copy !req
657. Maybe I can help.Copy !req
658. Dear God.Copy !req
659. It's all right, miss.
It doesn't hurt.Copy !req
660. Give it to myself all the time.Copy !req
661. Yeah. He gives it to himself all the time.Copy !req
662. Show her.Copy !req
663. Come on, Doc. Show her.Copy !req
664. Show her.Copy !req
665. There. You see?Copy !req
666. That didn't hurt.Copy !req
667. - JJ?
- No, thanks.Copy !req
668. Victor?Copy !req
669. Oh, no thanks.Copy !req
670. No.Copy !req
671. Hi, guys. What's up?Copy !req
672. - What's up?
- Huh.Copy !req
673. You guys are running 120, your little lights
are flashing all over. That's what's up.Copy !req
674. - We've got a patient in there.
- You were still speeding.Copy !req
675. - She's, uh... She's very sick.
- There's not a hospital within 50 miles.Copy !req
676. - Where you headed?
- UCLA.Copy !req
677. UCLA?Copy !req
678. - UCLA Medical Center.
- LA.Copy !req
679. California?Copy !req
680. This is gonna sound like a dumb question,
but if she's that sick, why didn't you fly her?Copy !req
681. Why didn't we fly her?Copy !req
682. I'm just the driver.
We have to ask the doc.Copy !req
683. No.Copy !req
684. That's a good idea.
Why don't we ask the doc?Copy !req
685. I'm sorry.Copy !req
686. What's going on out here?
What is this crude interruption?Copy !req
687. The patient.
Why can't she be flown to California?Copy !req
688. Cysts. On the walls of her lungs.
Very rare.Copy !req
689. You see, airplanes are only pressurized
at 10,000 feet.Copy !req
690. Anybody who knows anything about medicine
knows that she can't fly.Copy !req
691. We couldn't even go through Denver
it's so high.Copy !req
692. Tell them to go back and pick up Mr...Copy !req
693. (All) Foyt.
Foyt.Copy !req
694. Is that lady all right?Copy !req
695. She's in great pain.Copy !req
696. Causes her to make certain delirious...
drememium...Copy !req
697. - Sounds like she's on something to me.
- Let me explain something to you.Copy !req
698. We have to get the senator's wife
to California in 72 hours.Copy !req
699. Do you understand what I'm saying? We ha...Copy !req
700. We have to get the senator's wife
to California in 72 hours.Copy !req
701. We're very close.Copy !req
702. Well, as long as you're in New Jersey,
I want you fellas to take it easy.Copy !req
703. - You got that?
- We sure do.Copy !req
704. - Thanks a lot.
- Get this rig outta here.Copy !req
705. I'm glad there's no cupcakes like that
in New Jersey.Copy !req
706. You haven't met my brother-in-law, Ralph.Copy !req
707. I thought that cop
was gonna have a cardiac arrestCopy !req
708. when we said
we were going to California.Copy !req
709. Wasn't Beauty terrific?Copy !req
710. The lady was splendid.Copy !req
711. She should have her picture
on the cover of the AMA journal.Copy !req
712. - AMA journal.Copy !req
713. I'm sure that doctor's
a very sweet man, basically.Copy !req
714. Thanks.Copy !req
715. But don't you ever tell me
where you found him.Copy !req
716. Ever.Copy !req
717. - It's the damn Cannonball for sure.Copy !req
718. They blasted away
right in front of my eyes.Copy !req
719. And they kidnapped a girl
named Pamela Glover,Copy !req
720. just like it was the goddamn
Red Brigade or something.Copy !req
721. But I...
No, I've got them.Copy !req
722. This time I've got them.Copy !req
723. Ohio? Yes. Ohio has been notified.Copy !req
724. Yeah. Ohio has been notified.Copy !req
725. And Missouri. And California.Copy !req
726. We'll get them,
and I'm gonna be there to handle it.Copy !req
727. You can count on it.Copy !req
728. Yeah.Copy !req
729. Listen, I've got two minutes
to catch my flight. Yeah. Bye.Copy !req
730. Hey. Hey!Copy !req
731. - Madam. Madam!
- Madam?Copy !req
732. I'm no madam.
I'm a decent, respectable woman.Copy !req
733. I don't even own a house.
I live in an apartment.Copy !req
734. Now get off my case.
I'm late for my plane.Copy !req
735. Oh!Copy !req
736. - Well, then, after my career in the RAF...
- The what?Copy !req
737. - The Royal Air Force.
- Oh.Copy !req
738. - Do you mind if I have a cigarette?
- Go ahead. They're your lungs.Copy !req
739. Well, I had a chestful of citations,
medals, that sort of thing,Copy !req
740. and then I drifted in
playing a rather popular...Copy !req
741. Not that one, darling, please.Copy !req
742. We don't want you leaving so shortly
after the trip has begun, do we?Copy !req
743. No, of course not.Copy !req
744. Then I drifted into playing a rather
popular character on a television series.Copy !req
745. It's still in syndication, you know.Copy !req
746. Puff away.Copy !req
747. Thanks a lot, ladies.
But I would take it a little easier.Copy !req
748. Some of the officers up the road
might not be as understanding.Copy !req
749. Thank you so much, Officer.
We really do appreciate that warning.Copy !req
750. And if you're ever up in Duluth,
remember to look me up.Copy !req
751. I got the number.
You can count on it.Copy !req
752. - How's the patient?Copy !req
753. - She's alive.Copy !req
754. Looks like she survived the procedure.Copy !req
755. What procedure?Copy !req
756. If you guys laid a finger on me...Copy !req
757. No, I just gave her a little prick.Copy !req
758. With this.Copy !req
759. Super Chief, lean forward
so I can get the front wheel on the ground.Copy !req
760. - Stop kidding. I am.Copy !req
761. Pull over!
We want to give you our blessings.Copy !req
762. JJ. There are two priests
in that car over there.Copy !req
763. What?Copy !req
764. They want us to pull over.Copy !req
765. - Victor.
- Yeah.Copy !req
766. They're two priests driving a Ferrari.Copy !req
767. When's the last time you saw
two priests driving a Ferrari?Copy !req
768. - They taking the bingo money home?
- They're doing the work of the Lord.Copy !req
769. In a Ferrari, they can do it faster, that's all.Copy !req
770. - Pull over!Copy !req
771. We want to bless you!Copy !req
772. - Victor.
- Yeah?Copy !req
773. One of the priests is black.Copy !req
774. - Oh, yeah. They have black priests.
- They do?Copy !req
775. Oh, sure. They have a black cardinal.Copy !req
776. Oh! They do want us to pull over.
They want to bless us. Can we?Copy !req
777. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
778. You want us to pull over and be blessed
by a black priest in a red Ferrari?Copy !req
779. Couldn't hurt.Copy !req
780. Oy vey!Copy !req
781. - Nice car, Father.
- Thank you, asshole.Copy !req
782. Hello, Father. Nice-looking car.Copy !req
783. That's what everybody...
He even said it.Copy !req
784. I want to thank you for stopping, son,Copy !req
785. 'cause we always stop the ambulance
so we can bless whosever's in there.Copy !req
786. And you paramedics
are doing such a wonderful job.Copy !req
787. We're in kind of a hurry,
so if you can just bless it and then we can...Copy !req
788. - Oh. I gotta bless her.
- I'm sorry, Father. She's a Zen Buddhist.Copy !req
789. - You're not, so you can't bless her.
- We specialize in blessing Zen Buddhists.Copy !req
790. Yeah.Copy !req
791. - Oh...
- Yes?Copy !req
792. Second thought, Father,
you want to bless him?Copy !req
793. We need all the help we can get.
Just give him a little shot.Copy !req
794. - Thank you, Father.
- You're quite welcome.Copy !req
795. - You did a good job.
- Thank you.Copy !req
796. Thank you, Father.Copy !req
797. Why don't you take that piece of shit
back to the junkyard?Copy !req
798. - Ooh! JJ, we got a...
- Flat.Copy !req
799. - Yeah. And those priests...
- Weren't fathers.Copy !req
800. - They were...
- Mothers.Copy !req
801. - Come here.
- Oh, jeez.Copy !req
802. Ah, shit!Copy !req
803. So there you have it,
a rather simple story, actually.Copy !req
804. International film star,
ruthless assassin,Copy !req
805. Casanova, poet, philosopher.Copy !req
806. You might say
a legend in my own time.Copy !req
807. In fact, you can.
Not that one, darling.Copy !req
808. I'm afraid this car is full of surprises.Copy !req
809. This is something I've noticed.Copy !req
810. How about some champagne, darling?Copy !req
811. Little silver four-wheeler that
just flew past, with the good-lookin' seat cover.Copy !req
812. Son, back that thing down.
You got smokeys all over my back door.Copy !req
813. If you are referring to me,Copy !req
814. I request that you speak more clearly
in the Queen's English.Copy !req
815. That is, if we are
going to converse on this wireless.Copy !req
816. Ah. Bless your heart.Copy !req
817. Cheers.Copy !req
818. Down the hatch.Copy !req
819. What do you think you're doing?
You can't come in here.Copy !req
820. You're a man.Copy !req
821. - 7-Eleven. How can I help?
- Pumps one and two, hit 'em.Copy !req
822. (Man) What are you, some kind of nut?
You got one unleaded and one premium.Copy !req
823. She goes both ways.Copy !req
824. The round orange moon pie
with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.Copy !req
825. I'm a doctor, and if I may be
permitted the indelicacy,Copy !req
826. you seen one, you've seen 'em all.Copy !req
827. A thousand miles on one wheel?
We're trying to win a race, not set a record.Copy !req
828. (JJ) Victor, what have you got?Copy !req
829. A lot of goodies for you guys
and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me.Copy !req
830. - (JJ) Will you get in here?
- OK. Here you go.Copy !req
831. (JJ) Officer.Copy !req
832. Do you take your law and order
in this town seriously?Copy !req
833. Are you kidding?Copy !req
834. Excuse me for asking.Copy !req
835. Greek! But...Copy !req
836. Would you shut up a minute
and listen to me?Copy !req
837. Oh, by the way, Greek.Copy !req
838. What's the odds on the Japanese team
not finishing?Copy !req
839. There's gonna be a red Ferrari
come flying through hereCopy !req
840. and the two men driving are responsible
for the victim in this ambulance.Copy !req
841. - Victim?
- A flasher victim.Copy !req
842. - You want to know the worst part?
- What's that?Copy !req
843. - They're dressed as priests.
- Go on.Copy !req
844. I guess they think it's a little kinkier,
dressed as priests.Copy !req
845. Goddamn, that's sick.Copy !req
846. - I'll handle this.
- One more thing.Copy !req
847. I think they're armed.Copy !req
848. Damn, I hope so.Copy !req
849. It'll give me an excuse.Copy !req
850. (JJ) Bye-bye!Copy !req
851. JJ, you son of a!Copy !req
852. Out of the car, both of you.Copy !req
853. Now!Copy !req
854. All right, hit it.Copy !req
855. - Hit it?
- Hit it?Copy !req
856. - Freeze, or name your beneficiary.
- Beneficiary?Copy !req
857. - Officer, I sincerely hope you're not a Catholic.
- Pay no attention to him.Copy !req
858. He's been locked up for six years in that
monastery. He don't know what he's doing.Copy !req
859. I don't think both of his paddles
are in the water.Copy !req
860. Six years is gonna seem
like a summer vacationCopy !req
861. when the state of Missouri
gets through with you.Copy !req
862. You, shorty.
Where'd you get all that jewelry?Copy !req
863. - Why'd he call me shorty?
- 'Cause you're small.Copy !req
864. - Small. S-M-all.
- Oh.Copy !req
865. I suggest you take another route, good buddy.Copy !req
866. The smokeys have got traffic all tied up on 40
looking for them Cannonballers.Copy !req
867. That's a big ten-four.Copy !req
868. - Hey, JJ.
- Yeah?Copy !req
869. There's a lot of talk on the CB
about the roadblock ahead.Copy !req
870. What do you think?Copy !req
871. I think we're in deep you-know-what.
The transmission is slipping.Copy !req
872. We lost a lot of time
because of your two phony priests.Copy !req
873. - Oh. I'm sorry.Copy !req
874. If the transmission does hold together,Copy !req
875. you think we're gonna be able to bluff our way
through the roadblock?Copy !req
876. I don't know.
Give me a minute to gather my thoughts.Copy !req
877. I gathered my thoughts.Copy !req
878. Hey, Lowboy!
Look in your rearview mirror.Copy !req
879. See this ambulance back here?Copy !req
880. We need a piggyback ride.Copy !req
881. This one can go by.
There's no problem here.Copy !req
882. Uh... Let's just have this one
and that one.Copy !req
883. Um...Copy !req
884. Yeah, that one's OK. Let it go.Copy !req
885. Excuse me.Copy !req
886. You look very familiar.
Do I know you?Copy !req
887. It's quite possible.
Is this going to take long?Copy !req
888. You see, we're on our honeymoon,
and she can't wait.Copy !req
889. Thank God. Normal people.Copy !req
890. We were just looking for Cannonb...Copy !req
891. It's not important.
Move along, if you would.Copy !req
892. - What is this, anyway?
- It's a stakeout.Copy !req
893. Oh. Bon appétit.Copy !req
894. English humor.Copy !req
895. Come on, guys, keep moving,
will you, please?Copy !req
896. Let's see...Copy !req
897. (JJ) Quiet, Victor.
You're gonna blow our cover.Copy !req
898. JJ, this is not a nine-to-five job.
I wish him were here.Copy !req
899. (JJ) Hi.Copy !req
900. Hello.Copy !req
901. - You look tired.
- Ah, more frustrated than tired.Copy !req
902. Think you're gonna win this crazy race?Copy !req
903. Damn right I am.Copy !req
904. I'm sitting here, having a conversation
with somebody who kidnapped me.Copy !req
905. Hm! Who can blame anybody
for kidnapping you?Copy !req
906. You gave me laughing gas.Copy !req
907. Well, you have an awful beautiful laugh.Copy !req
908. You made me forget my favorite skirt
back at the motel...Copy !req
909. Doesn't matter.
You look terrific without it.Copy !req
910. What'd you expect, anyway?Copy !req
911. - A gangbang or something like that.
- A gangbang?Copy !req
912. We're racers, not rapists.Copy !req
913. - Why?
- Why what?Copy !req
914. Why all this speed
and trouble and risk and...Copy !req
915. I mean, what for?Copy !req
916. For the hell of it.Copy !req
917. Didn't you ever do anything
just for the hell of it?Copy !req
918. I guess so.Copy !req
919. My father used to work in the coal mines.Copy !req
920. 43 years.Copy !req
921. He was gonna retire.Copy !req
922. Buy a houseboat.
Move down to Florida.Copy !req
923. Fish on the back of the boat
and tell my mom lies.Copy !req
924. He died two days
before he was gonna retire.Copy !req
925. Oh.Copy !req
926. I guess you just never know.Copy !req
927. Yeah.Copy !req
928. I made up my mind right then,
I was gonna go for it.Copy !req
929. I mean, everything I wanted,
I was gonna go for it right then,Copy !req
930. 'cause you never know when
something's gonna happen to you.Copy !req
931. Like talking to you, you know?Copy !req
932. I mean, it's really nice.Copy !req
933. Uh... Excuse me.
Where are you guys going?Copy !req
934. We're just... We're just out-out-out
looking for a pack of cigarettes.Copy !req
935. With North Carolina plates,
you're driving to Missouri for cigarettes?Copy !req
936. How about a beer?Copy !req
937. How about the fact that your paint job
is coming off?Copy !req
938. You want to take these guys away?
The good guys strike back.Copy !req
939. What is that? Five, eight, three...
Five, eight, three, six...Copy !req
940. Hold on. Hold on. Let it go. Come on.Copy !req
941. Come on, guys,
keep moving, will you, please?Copy !req
942. Howdy, sir.
What seems to be the problem?Copy !req
943. You didn't think you'd get away with this?
We're gonna get the whole lot of you now.Copy !req
944. Not here, you won't.
The word is out about your roadblock.Copy !req
945. They're talking about it
all up and down the "super slab".Copy !req
946. Come on, get these traitors
out of here, will you?Copy !req
947. You think you're so big.Copy !req
948. Do some of you people want to come over
and push this thing out of the way?Copy !req
949. Come on. I'll put it in neutral.Copy !req
950. Who did that? Make it stop!Copy !req
951. (JJ) Thanks a lot. Keep on truckin'!Copy !req
952. George, you remember the good old days
before they got radar?Copy !req
953. - We used to chase speeders?
- Yeah. This is really boring.Copy !req
954. Smokey. Sayonara. Bye-bye!Copy !req
955. - What the hell was that?Copy !req
956. I don't know, but whatever it was,
it was doing 125.Copy !req
957. That's the first time
we took an order by phone.Copy !req
958. - It was hard to understand you.
- When I called, I was doing 140 miles an hour.Copy !req
959. That was six lamb burgers,
four shish kebabs,Copy !req
960. a side order of couscous, and...Copy !req
961. two milk.Copy !req
962. No! How much?Copy !req
963. Six seventy-five.Copy !req
964. Here, my desert blossom.Copy !req
965. Keep the change.Copy !req
966. Have you ever considered
joining a harem?Copy !req
967. I shall return for you after the race.Copy !req
968. Get a physical.
I shall return, my little fig.Copy !req
969. I love you!Copy !req
970. Victor...Copy !req
971. I don't know how to ask you this.Copy !req
972. Isn't it strange having that guy
running around inside your head?Copy !req
973. Oh! He's not in here.Copy !req
974. He's out there somewhere,
helping people.Copy !req
975. - Oh!
- He's always helping people.Copy !req
976. - He'd help you.
- He would?Copy !req
977. He likes you.Copy !req
978. Well, how did he find you?
I mean, how did you two get together?Copy !req
979. Well, when I was real young,Copy !req
980. I didn't have any friends
like I do now.Copy !req
981. Like JJ...Copy !req
982. Like JJ.Copy !req
983. One day I was in the schoolyard,
and nine guys were beating me up pretty good.Copy !req
984. There he was.Copy !req
985. Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
986. - Captain Chaos?
- Yeah. Out of the blue.Copy !req
987. Pow! Slam! Bam! Boff!Copy !req
988. I sure was grateful.Copy !req
989. - That's great!
- Yeah.Copy !req
990. Nobody bothered me at school after that.Copy !req
991. I wish I had a friend like that.Copy !req
992. Well, first,
you need a mask and a cape.Copy !req
993. I think I'd like mine to be pink.Copy !req
994. Almost everything I wear is pink.Copy !req
995. Everything?Copy !req
996. Even? Uh...Copy !req
997. Oh, I don't wear any.Copy !req
998. - You don't?
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
999. Wow.Copy !req
1000. Victor, I'd like to be your friend.
'Cause I like you.Copy !req
1001. Oh.Copy !req
1002. I like you too, Beauty.Copy !req
1003. Thank you.Copy !req
1004. New Mexico.Copy !req
1005. Texas! Stupid!Copy !req
1006. I'll take care of this one.Copy !req
1007. Well, hello, hot pants.Copy !req
1008. I don't suppose you have a driver's license
tucked down in there somewhere, do you?Copy !req
1009. Yes, Officer.Copy !req
1010. That policeman
seems to want us to stop, darling.Copy !req
1011. Yes. He must be rather upset
with our rapid rate.Copy !req
1012. Funny. They don't have any sense of humor
about that sort of thing.Copy !req
1013. - Aren't you going to pull over?
- I'd rather not.Copy !req
1014. Can be such a bore, talking to those chaps.Copy !req
1015. Tell you what.
We'll just... slip away.Copy !req
1016. - Hit that button, will you?
- Like in your movies!Copy !req
1017. And now a little oil, right, darling?Copy !req
1018. Well, well.
We are full of tricks, aren't we?Copy !req
1019. It's all part of my business, really.Copy !req
1020. I've been meaning to ask you,
what movie?Copy !req
1021. Wait a minute.
Can you see where you're going?Copy !req
1022. - Perfectly.
- This is ridiculous.Copy !req
1023. Good sport, isn't it? Would you
mind rolling the window down, old girl?Copy !req
1024. We're getting done
like a couple of kippers here.Copy !req
1025. - Next time, I bring my mask.
- Like a foggy day in London town.Copy !req
1026. You are about to witness
the ravishment of a womanCopy !req
1027. who has been abducted.Copy !req
1028. A woman whose initial fear
has mellowed into curious expectation.Copy !req
1029. In the morning, she will be set free,
unaware of anything,Copy !req
1030. except that she has been loved
as never before...Copy !req
1031. Oh, no! Please...Copy !req
1032. Oh, yes, there! There!Copy !req
1033. I've never seen a damn Rolls-Royce
that'd do 140 miles an hour.Copy !req
1034. What you fellas got in that thing?Copy !req
1035. - Stock.
- Sign here.Copy !req
1036. I guess you must have
misconstrued my remarkCopy !req
1037. about my mother planning to purchase
Southern CaliforniaCopy !req
1038. as an attempt to influence
your giving me a ticket, Officer.Copy !req
1039. I am sure that she will still consider keeping
you all on as a member of the Highway Patrol,Copy !req
1040. regardless of how shabbily
you treated her son!Copy !req
1041. You might want to tell that to the judge, sir.Copy !req
1042. This is for you and the judge!Copy !req
1043. Goddamn camel jockey!Copy !req
1044. Oh, shit.
We got a smokey on our tail.Copy !req
1045. Watch this.Copy !req
1046. - Officer.
- Pull it over.Copy !req
1047. We got no brakes!Copy !req
1048. No brakes! Help us!
Yes, thank you.Copy !req
1049. Damn "no brake" gag works every time.Copy !req
1050. Oh, no!
We really don't have any brakes!Copy !req
1051. - Quit kidding, will you?
- Hang on!Copy !req
1052. Evel Knievel...
you've got yourself some competition!Copy !req
1053. (Hui) Route 66. Ha-ha!Copy !req
1054. Secret weapon.Copy !req
1055. (Hui) Ready, fire!Copy !req
1056. How long we been here?Copy !req
1057. 20 minutes.
We could have been there by now.Copy !req
1058. The road will be open in five minutes, Father.Copy !req
1059. - Gah!Copy !req
1060. Hey, Father Putz.Copy !req
1061. Albert Schweitzer.Copy !req
1062. I want to thank you
for being so sweet and so nice,Copy !req
1063. and telling those people all about us,
back in Missouri,Copy !req
1064. that we were both flashers
and sex maniacs.Copy !req
1065. Well, I just wanted to return the favorCopy !req
1066. that you and the chocolate monk did for us
back in Ohio.Copy !req
1067. "The chocolate monk"?Copy !req
1068. He can say that.Copy !req
1069. He can say that, he can say thatCopy !req
1070. 'cause he's riding around
with the Goodyear blimp!Copy !req
1071. - The Goodyear blimp?
- He can say that. He can say that.Copy !req
1072. - Yeah, I can say that.
- Because if I had the time,Copy !req
1073. I would take those rosary beads
and stuff 'em up your nose.Copy !req
1074. - These rosary beads? My rosary beads?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1075. - You're gonna shove 'em up this nose?
- Up that nose, yeah.Copy !req
1076. - He can do that.
- He can do that?Copy !req
1077. - You take a little advice?
- Sure.Copy !req
1078. Bring friends.Copy !req
1079. A lot of 'em.Copy !req
1080. He wants me to bring...Copy !req
1081. Blimp?Copy !req
1082. (JJ) Ah, the bride and groom Cannonballer.Copy !req
1083. I told you this honeymoon scheme would work.Copy !req
1084. Good.
Now you wear the wig, sweetheart.Copy !req
1085. - It's hot.
- Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
1086. When I was in Egypt making
The Fly Who Bugged MeCopy !req
1087. it was at least 180 in the shade,
not that there was much shade.Copy !req
1088. If CBS woulda had their cameras thereCopy !req
1089. we'd have made Sports Spectacular.
We just zoomed right over that train.Copy !req
1090. You want to try it again?Copy !req
1091. All right.Copy !req
1092. Don't you look precious?
All dressed up like that.Copy !req
1093. And wearing a wig too. Ha-ha!
Ain't he cute?Copy !req
1094. Those guys scare me.Copy !req
1095. You just stay close to Moore.
There won't be any trouble.Copy !req
1096. He looks like Gregory Peck
in that blue flannel suit.Copy !req
1097. This is my friend Shakey.
Allow me to present myself.Copy !req
1098. I'm on Wall Street.
Maybe we can have lunch sometime.Copy !req
1099. We don't ride in Wall Street.Copy !req
1100. Nah, we don't ride in Wall Street.Copy !req
1101. Why don't we go and help 'em out?Copy !req
1102. What do you mean, "we"?Copy !req
1103. If we do, then that road opens up
and you're long gone.Copy !req
1104. Now, why don't you, huh?Copy !req
1105. You're the Good Samaritan.Copy !req
1106. Besides, I'm wearing these.Copy !req
1107. Maybe you would like
to complete your ensemble.Copy !req
1108. No. There's something else
of yours that I want.Copy !req
1109. Oh, really? What's that?Copy !req
1110. Your ass!Copy !req
1111. Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
1112. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1113. Well, shall we join the fracas?Copy !req
1114. Step back, my dear.Copy !req
1115. I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore.Copy !req
1116. Who?Copy !req
1117. Roger Moore.Copy !req
1118. We'll run in there.Copy !req
1119. Boom-boo-boom, pow! Pow! Pow!Copy !req
1120. Knock 'em flat out.Copy !req
1121. - Then we go. We could still win it, OK?
- We can do that.Copy !req
1122. - We can do that. Yeah.
- We can do that.Copy !req
1123. - You'll be sorry! Let me down!Copy !req
1124. Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
1125. Take that!Copy !req
1126. You're so macho.Copy !req
1127. Watch this!Copy !req
1128. Ha-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
1129. - Need some help, Father?
- Nah.Copy !req
1130. Wah! Give me somebody!Copy !req
1131. Waaargh!Copy !req
1132. What, are you crazy, Greek?Copy !req
1133. How could you possibly change odds
in the middle of things?Copy !req
1134. Hold it. You wouldn't last five minutes
in the New York subway.Copy !req
1135. That's the way it's done.Copy !req
1136. - Is that good to drink?
- I don't know. I never tried it.Copy !req
1137. Hold it, hold it.
You wanna try this side?Copy !req
1138. Yeah.Copy !req
1139. Need some help?Copy !req
1140. - Get out of here.
- Right.Copy !req
1141. Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
1142. Fool!Copy !req
1143. - Thanks, Shakey. Excuse me.
- Get this guy, Shakey!Copy !req
1144. - Excuse me, Father, the road's open.
- Oh, thanks.Copy !req
1145. Fenderbaum, the road's open!Copy !req
1146. Bye.Copy !req
1147. Let's go! Hit it!Copy !req
1148. Ah-so!Copy !req
1149. (JJ) Come on, come on. Faster, faster!Copy !req
1150. - I'm trying.
- Faster!Copy !req
1151. - Drive it like Captain Chaos would.
- I'll try.Copy !req
1152. - What d'you take off the mask for?
- I didn't. He took off the mask.Copy !req
1153. - We need him.
- I don't know where he is.Copy !req
1154. Very interesting fellow.
I'd like to probe his case.Copy !req
1155. Don't want him around, he's around.
When we want him, he's not around.Copy !req
1156. I'm gonna get a beer!Copy !req
1157. Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
1158. It's only ten blocks to the finish!
I feel very confident that we will be triumphant!Copy !req
1159. Ah-ha-ha!Copy !req
1160. What the hell was that?Copy !req
1161. - A Lamborghini.
- Is it in the race?Copy !req
1162. Catch it!Copy !req
1163. - Will you go faster? Come on!
- I'm trying!Copy !req
1164. I've seen every single one of your movies
at least three or four times.Copy !req
1165. Four times?Copy !req
1166. - I think we got it goin', baby.
- Yeah, we're looking good.Copy !req
1167. The Greek's gonna pay us money!Copy !req
1168. Gosh! Wait till I tell my friendsCopy !req
1169. I was sitting next to George Hamilton!Copy !req
1170. George Hamilton?Copy !req
1171. - We got 'em!
- We got 'em!Copy !req
1172. We're not losin' it!Copy !req
1173. Aargh!Copy !req
1174. Look out!Copy !req
1175. - Waah!
- OK, it's a foot race!Copy !req
1176. - I've got the card.
- No, give me that, Doc.Copy !req
1177. (JJ) Come on! It's a foot race!Copy !req
1178. Have no fear, Chaos is here!
Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
1179. Take it and win, Captain!Copy !req
1180. Come on, Chaos, you can do it!Copy !req
1181. Anyone need medical attention?Copy !req
1182. Ah! Ah! Go! Go, Chaos!Copy !req
1183. We're gonna win!Copy !req
1184. It's not a very sporting way to win.
What do you say, Father?Copy !req
1185. No, it's a shitty way to win.Copy !req
1186. We're gonna win!Copy !req
1187. Help! Help!
Somebody save my baby!Copy !req
1188. He's drowning!Copy !req
1189. No, Chaos! No!Copy !req
1190. No problem, fair lady.
I will save your baby. Have no fe-e-e-ear!Copy !req
1191. Oh, my baby, my baby!Copy !req
1192. - Thank you. You're such a brave man.Copy !req
1193. You don't know what this means to me.
Oh, my baby, I love you.Copy !req
1194. JJ, I saved that woman's dog.Copy !req
1195. Victor, we could have won that race.
You understand? We could have won it!Copy !req
1196. You understand that?
You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.Copy !req
1197. He's right, Victor.Copy !req
1198. We are sick of Captain Chaos.Copy !req
1199. We are so sick of Captain Chaos
that we could throw up.Copy !req
1200. So, you know what, Victor? There's not
gonna be any more Captain Chaos.Copy !req
1201. - No more!Copy !req
1202. You see what I'm telling you?
No more! No more Captain Chaos ever!Copy !req
1203. - Now, what do you think of that?Copy !req
1204. I don't care... because...Copy !req
1205. I've always wanted to be...
Captain USA!Copy !req
1206. Dun-dun-dah!Copy !req
1207. It's a dirty job,
but somebody's got to do it.Copy !req
1208. - Who won the race?
- (Man) What do you get for last?Copy !req
1209. Well... Well...Copy !req
1210. How do you all feel, now that you
have raped the American highways?Copy !req
1211. - Beautiful. Wonderful.
- Great.Copy !req
1212. Old chap, I suggest you get a grip
on yourself or better, on one of these.Copy !req
1213. I'll take anything.Copy !req
1214. And feel free to use the lighter
in my car, Mr...Copy !req
1215. (All) Foyt.Copy !req
1216. F-F-F-Foyt.Copy !req
1217. - Wait till he touches that lighter.Copy !req
1218. Ain't nothin' happening.Copy !req
1219. That's funny. Excuse me.Copy !req
1220. Mr. Foyt, how did you light that?Copy !req
1221. - Well, with the lighter, of course.Copy !req
1222. That's odd.Copy !req
1223. - Oy vey!Copy !req
1224. If I'm not filming next year,
we'll do this again.Copy !req
1225. Oh, JJ, didn't we do good?Copy !req
1226. Wah! Wah-ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
1227. - Stop it.
- (Man) Ready?Copy !req
1228. - Will you stop it?
- OK. OK.Copy !req
1229. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
1230. Wait a minute. I got something.Copy !req
1231. - No, this will help you.
- No, don't hit me.Copy !req
1232. - No. I'm not gonna hit you. Listen to me.Copy !req
1233. I swear to God.
I'm not gonna hit you.Copy !req
1234. - Watch. Watch.Copy !req
1235. Ah!Copy !req
1236. - OK.
- OK. I'm ready now. Here we go.Copy !req
1237. Look at that shit.Copy !req
1238. I'm ready.
I swear to God, I'm ready!Copy !req
1239. We're off.Copy !req
1240. Where's he gonna sit?Copy !req
1241. I warned you
not to interfere in my affairs.Copy !req
1242. Steven, put away...
Seymour. Excuse me.Copy !req
1243. That's all right.
I'll answer to anything.Copy !req
1244. You see, even in the deepest
family relations...Copy !req
1245. - My business is not worth a...Copy !req
1246. - Thank you, Victor.Copy !req
1247. (Man) Mark.Copy !req
1248. As you probably know, we're...Copy !req
1249. We're the favorites to...Copy !req
1250. be the winning racers tomorrow
in the Cannonball race,Copy !req
1251. which is gonna be poured...Copy !req
1252. - Good evening, ladies.
- Evening.Copy !req
1253. My name is JJ McClure.
And this is my...Copy !req
1254. - Next year we're going for the nu-nu-nu...
- Yes? Ooh!Copy !req
1255. - Perfect. Perfect.Copy !req
1256. Hey!Copy !req
1257. - Better than...
- (Man) Cut!Copy !req
1258. We have to get this woman,Copy !req
1259. the senator's wife,Copy !req
1260. to Philadelphia by...Copy !req
1261. Make that California, will you?Copy !req
1262. We're very close.Copy !req
1263. Don't hit me.Copy !req
1264. Because if I had enough time...Copy !req
1265. I would take those rosary bleeds
and stuff 'em up your nose.Copy !req
1266. - These bleeds?
- Those bleeds, yeah.Copy !req
1267. You're gonna take these...
And shove 'em up...Copy !req
1268. I'll take these bleeds here...Copy !req
1269. (Man) Mark.Copy !req
1270. I don't care...Copy !req
1271. - I don't care...
- Stop laughing!Copy !req
1272. I don't care, because...Copy !req
1273. You're gonna get a slap.Copy !req
1274. I always wanted to be
Captain America!Copy !req
1275. It's a living.Copy !req
1276. - Oh, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1277. He laughed...
He laughed... He laughed first.Copy !req
1278. Mr. Martin laughed first.Copy !req
1279. Why were you laughing?Copy !req
1280. He laughed and you hit me!Copy !req
1281. Cut it.Copy !req