1. What's it all about?Copy !req
2. America, Jesus, freedom.Copy !req
3. Say it again.Copy !req
4. America, Jesus, freedom.Copy !req
5. And what does that mean?Copy !req
6. Shit, I don't know.
But the people sure love it when I say it.Copy !req
7. How's my hair?Copy !req
8. Strong. Real strong.Copy !req
9. Let's send him back to Washington.Copy !req
10. Democratic congressman today,
vice president tomorrow.Copy !req
11. Here he is, running unopposed...Copy !req
12. - Hello, everyone!
- ... Cam Brady!Copy !req
13. North Carolina is taking care of business.Copy !req
14. Just like you, every day,
I'm living the American dream.Copy !req
15. I come from humble beginnings.Copy !req
16. My father worked with his hands...Copy !req
17. as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon.Copy !req
18. Amen!
Very much the typical American family.Copy !req
19. I'm here today with my beautiful family,
and I'd love for you to welcome them.Copy !req
20. My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr.Copy !req
21. - I love you, J. Lo. Camouflage.
Get them, Camo!Copy !req
22. And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar...Copy !req
23. Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife.Copy !req
24. Love you, baby.Copy !req
25. My dream maker. Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
26. Cam Brady '012.Copy !req
27. Our nation's security
has never been stronger...Copy !req
28. because our troops and our veterans
are this nation's backbone.Copy !req
29. Because farmers are this nation's backbone.Copy !req
30. Schools is this nation's backbone.Copy !req
31. Audio-installation specialists
and window tinters are this nation's backbone.Copy !req
32. Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl operators
are this nation's backbone.Copy !req
33. And I wanna make you a promise today...Copy !req
34. that if you send me back to Washington, D.C.,
for a fifth consecutive term...Copy !req
35. I will let them know it's about America,
Jesus and freedom.Copy !req
36. We love you, Cam!Copy !req
37. I love you too.Copy !req
38. You got a lot of energy, don't you?Copy !req
39. - Oh, Shana.
- Oh! Oh, Cam!Copy !req
40. Your body's so toned.Copy !req
41. - Cam!
- So toned.Copy !req
42. - Cam, it smells horrible in here.
- It's not that bad once you get used to it.Copy !req
43. if it's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.Copy !req
44. This is bad, Cam.Copy !req
45. This is real bad. Okay?
I don't like those numbers at all.Copy !req
46. - Just one poll. Those things aren't scientific.
- Yes, they are.Copy !req
47. All this is is science. This is math.Copy !req
48. But if you took it
and put it on its axis this way—Copy !req
49. Hey, look, Cam, I'm telling you right now,
it was the phone call.Copy !req
50. Mm-mm.
- Yes.Copy !req
51. - No way.
- Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay?Copy !req
52. Sixty-two percent of the people
that got asked liked you, okay?Copy !req
53. Then the phone call happened.
Then they asked the same question.Copy !req
54. Now only 46 percent of the people like you.Copy !req
55. Run through it one more time.Copy !req
56. Look, before the call, this is you.
Like Price ls Right.Copy !req
57. And then look at that. Straight down.Copy !req
58. I thought I was calling Shana. I misdialed.Copy !req
59. And, Lord, we just pray
that you bless this table...Copy !req
60. this food, this family and this nation.Copy !req
61. Hey, Jared,
let's let the machine take one for God.Copy !req
62. Hey, Shana,
it's Congressman Cam Brady here.Copy !req
63. I just stepped away from a family dinner
to tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak.Copy !req
64. I wish I was eating Shana pussy.Copy !req
65. Seriously, baby, you get me so hard
my dick presses against my zipper...Copy !req
66. and it hurts like a motherfucker.Copy !req
67. What else?Copy !req
68. Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to
The Producers.Copy !req
69. And, oh, yeah,
let's do something crazy weird next time...Copy !req
70. like lick each other's buttholes
in a Denny's bathroom.Copy !req
71. All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '012.Copy !req
72. - Okay.
- Now, that was clearly a wrong number.Copy !req
73. Right.
- He is not listening to Jesus...Copy !req
74. because if he was,
oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing.Copy !req
75. Not like the one he has requested.Copy !req
76. And that family's hopping mad.Copy !req
77. - What do you want me to say?
- You tell me.Copy !req
78. I fucked up.Copy !req
79. Yeah, we're in a bad situation here, okay?Copy !req
80. - What do you wanna do?
- Get out front. Walk it back.Copy !req
81. We can't have this.
It's a behavior that has to stop.Copy !req
82. But, congressman, you made the call.Copy !req
83. I have made in my lifetime...Copy !req
84. probably over 100,000 phone calls...Copy !req
85. of which I could say maybe 1 percent
have been inappropriate.Copy !req
86. - What is that, a thousand phone calls?
- That is exactly 1000.Copy !req
87. A thousand phone calls have been rude,
inappropriate, sexually explicit.Copy !req
88. Phone calls I wish I could take back.Copy !req
89. But that's only 1000 out of 100,000.
I'll take those odds any day of the week.Copy !req
90. Gentlemen, I can't bring this bill
to the floor. I'll get killed.Copy !req
91. There is no way Congress
will let Motch Worldwide Global...Copy !req
92. put "made in America"
on goods made in China.Copy !req
93. Why not?
The name of the town in China is America.Copy !req
94. Oh, now, technically it's Mera-Kai.Copy !req
95. My brother and I are job creators.Copy !req
96. And because of that,
we're also candidate creators.Copy !req
97. My hands are tied.Copy !req
98. That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade?
Yeah.Copy !req
99. By the time we're finished,
half your district will think you're a Marxist...Copy !req
100. and the other half will think you've got
every D.C. Craigslist hooker on speed dial.Copy !req
101. Got it?Copy !req
102. When the family plugged in their phone
into the answering machine...Copy !req
103. they became consenting adults.Copy !req
104. Cam Brady's done.Copy !req
105. He doesn't have this district
locked up anymore.Copy !req
106. Let's get Brady out of there.Copy !req
107. Finance someone
who'll be a friend of the Motches...Copy !req
108. and help us change these regulations.Copy !req
109. Who do we have down there
that we could run?Copy !req
110. Big Jim Santon's in prison
for embezzling state lottery funds.Copy !req
111. - Sad.
- Well, Raymond Huggins' boy Marty?Copy !req
112. isn't he the weird one?Copy !req
113. Has weird ever stopped us before?Copy !req
114. How, in the year 2012,
do they still have an answering machine?Copy !req
115. Why are they denied modern technology?Copy !req
116. Make the call.Copy !req
117. Come on, guys.Copy !req
118. Hey there, Marty.
- Hey, Tammy.Copy !req
119. - Good morning, Dr. Scruggs.
I have no idea who you are.Copy !req
120. Hey, Diane.
How's business at Candles 'N' Such?Copy !req
121. Such is selling.
I can't move the candles, though.Copy !req
122. Yes, you can, Diane.
"Can't" is the real C-word.Copy !req
123. Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. You look tired.
Did you get some sleep?Copy !req
124. Yeah, I'm just real high.Copy !req
125. You're hysterical, Travis.Copy !req
126. - How's the turnout for the 1 1 :30 tour?
- Just one person signed in.Copy !req
127. What? Are you serious?
What happened to the eighth-grade field trip?Copy !req
128. I guess the kids
would just rather go to class.Copy !req
129. - Well, I just need one person.
- Yeah, well, guess who it is.Copy !req
130. Mrs. Cutler again.
She got a crush on you, Marty.Copy !req
131. She's gonna have to get in line. Heh.Copy !req
132. Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas,
as I like to call it...Copy !req
133. is rich in history
and flush with natural beauty.Copy !req
134. We've also had celebrities pass through.Copy !req
135. Eight years ago,
actress Rosie Perez passed through...Copy !req
136. when she got turned around on the interstate
and came to ask us for direc—Copy !req
137. - Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. Stop the tour.
- Now? All right.Copy !req
138. Hello, Father?Copy !req
139. Yes.Copy !req
140. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.Copy !req
141. Oh, l's a-coming, l's a-coming.Copy !req
142. Patience for the tired.Copy !req
143. Now, you just enjoy that view
from the porch, now.Copy !req
144. Oh. Almost there.Copy !req
145. Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty.Copy !req
146. - Hi, Mrs. Yao.
- Oh, come on in, child.Copy !req
147. Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks
trying to scare up some catfish.Copy !req
148. He's still making you talk like that?Copy !req
149. Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week.Copy !req
150. Says it reminds him of the good old days.Copy !req
151. He can be an old coot.
- Yeah.Copy !req
152. Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake...Copy !req
153. fishing for some catfish to fry up.Copy !req
154. Mm, Lordy, that sounds good.Copy !req
155. Catfish.Copy !req
156. - Marty, you stack of cock rings.
- Stop! Ha, ha!Copy !req
157. Mouthful of pubes.
- Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me!Copy !req
158. - Full revenge, man.
- Stop! Stop tickling me!Copy !req
159. I'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man.Copy !req
160. You should see the look on your stupid face.Copy !req
161. Ah. It's good to see you, brother.
Daddy got a little surprise for you.Copy !req
162. - Do you know what it is?
- Yeah. But I ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat.Copy !req
163. - Bam! Ha, ha.
- Ow!Copy !req
164. - It's still funny.
- Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting.Copy !req
165. Okay. Hey, Daddy.Copy !req
166. Now, listen up.Copy !req
167. Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning.
You know the Motch brothers?Copy !req
168. And they feel there's an opening
to challenge Cam Brady for congressman.Copy !req
169. And, well...Copy !req
170. believe it or not...Copy !req
171. they want you to run for office.Copy !req
172. Dad, that is like the greatest...Copy !req
173. This is like the greatest news I've ever heard.
I can't believe this.Copy !req
174. All these years I've been begging you
to let me get into politics...Copy !req
175. and right now here it is.Copy !req
176. I didn't even know they knew who I was.
Motch brothers.Copy !req
177. Well, I'll tell you this.Copy !req
178. I'll make you proud. I will.Copy !req
179. I'll make you— I'll make you real proud.Copy !req
180. I'd say there's mathematically zero chance
of that happening.Copy !req
181. Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye.Copy !req
182. But you look like Richard Simmons
just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.Copy !req
183. Dad, if you're still holding a grudge
because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral...Copy !req
184. like I've told you a thousand times,
I'm sorry.Copy !req
185. Mom would've wanted it that way.
She was casual.Copy !req
186. I don't even know what to think.Copy !req
187. I got so many thoughts
running through my mind...Copy !req
188. about what I can do for the district
and for the town, for the people of Hammond.Copy !req
189. Give them a voice.
Put them in the right direction.Copy !req
190. I mean, it's a mess out there.Copy !req
191. Son, it's no secret
we've never enjoyed each other's company.Copy !req
192. You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad.Copy !req
193. Hmm.Copy !req
194. Did you ever get that calendar I sent
of those animals dressed in human clothing?Copy !req
195. I was looking at mine yesterday
because I bought one for myself...Copy !req
196. and it had a giraffe in high heels.Copy !req
197. And I thought to myself,
"Who thinks of this stuff?"Copy !req
198. I laughed so hard.Copy !req
199. I thought it was super cute.
A giraffe is tall enough as is.Copy !req
200. Then somebody thought,
"Let's put a giraffe in high heels.Copy !req
201. Maybe add a belt.
There was a little bow on him."Copy !req
202. Boy, you really are a sad little fucker,
aren't you?Copy !req
203. This is the 14th district of
North Carolina and the city of Hammond.Copy !req
204. We are acquiring massive parcels of real estate
under a shell corporation...Copy !req
205. so we can reopen three large factories.Copy !req
206. Ostensibly, we own this district.Copy !req
207. We think we can operate at the same regulatory
and wage levels as China...Copy !req
208. and eliminate shipping costs.Copy !req
209. And your government will cooperate?Copy !req
210. We also own
the most important resource of all:Copy !req
211. a willing candidate.Copy !req
212. Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable.Copy !req
213. Mr. Zheng, there's something
you need to know about American politics.Copy !req
214. When you've got the money,
nothing is unpredictable.Copy !req
215. Sometimes democracy moves
with the stroke of a pen...Copy !req
216. and tonight Cam Brady
will win his fifth term in Congress...Copy !req
217. simply by registering for the ballot.Copy !req
218. That's the perks of running unopposed.Copy !req
219. - Check it out. It's a picture of my dick.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
220. I shaved my pubic hair to look
like a 19th-century handlebar mustache.Copy !req
221. - Man, put that away, will you?
- I'm gonna tweet it to Shana.Copy !req
222. - Cam, don't do that, please.
- Too late.Copy !req
223. I CC'd you. Heh.Copy !req
224. - I don't wanna see it.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
225. Next up, we have ballot confirmation
of Camden Brady, congressman.Copy !req
226. Thank you, Carl.Copy !req
227. - Let's get this bad boy signed.
Let's do it.Copy !req
228. I couldn't tell what was going on.
I thought the thing was locked.Copy !req
229. What the hell is this?Copy !req
230. Hey, Becky.
Hi.Copy !req
231. Hello.
My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins...Copy !req
232. and I'm here today to formally announce
my candidacy on the Republican ticket...Copy !req
233. for the 14th district for congressman.Copy !req
234. I have, uh, my check and my application
and my birth certificate all right here if you...Copy !req
235. Wait, what—? Hold on. Hold on.
What's going on here?Copy !req
236. Hold on a second, Cam.
Let me take a look at this.Copy !req
237. All his paperwork is here.Copy !req
238. Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot...Copy !req
239. - ... running for congressional representative...
- What?Copy !req
240. of the 14th district of North Carolina.Copy !req
241. - Are you kidding me?
- Hey, come on, Carl.Copy !req
242. - Is this some kind ofjoke?
- Come on, Carl.Copy !req
243. They're gonna wanna get to know you...Copy !req
244. now that you're challenging
our congressman.Copy !req
245. How do you expect to do that?Copy !req
246. - Uh, say that again.
- That's Marty Huggins.Copy !req
247. You know, back in fourth grade,
they used to call him Tickle Shits...Copy !req
248. because all you had to do was tickle him
and he'd shit his pants.Copy !req
249. - Oh, I remember that name.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
250. I'm Marty Huggins, and I approve this message.Copy !req
251. - I've always wanted to say that.
- Heh.Copy !req
252. What the hell?Copy !req
253. I can't seem to—Copy !req
254. - Push the door.
Yeah, you gonna push.Copy !req
255. Push it? Push it real good?Copy !req
256. - Not good with doors. Heh.
- No.Copy !req
257. - It's called a door.
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
258. Breaking news out of North Carolina.Copy !req
259. Democratic incumbent Cam Brady...Copy !req
260. getting a run for his money
by newcomer Marty Huggins.Copy !req
261. Early rumors have billionaire industrialists
the Motch brothers...Copy !req
262. financing a PAC supporting Huggins.Copy !req
263. And with a thin majority in the House,
this race could be hugely important.Copy !req
264. You know, baby, I've been thinking.
I don't like this.Copy !req
265. Why does a Marty Huggins
come out of nowhere and decide to run?Copy !req
266. Baby, I'm a thoroughbred.
I'm gonna smoke that clown.Copy !req
267. Kids, put your headphones in.
About to use TV mature words.Copy !req
268. You know I love it
when you get all bitchy and wild.Copy !req
269. You listen to me,
you dick dragging around a body.Copy !req
270. Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins.Copy !req
271. He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager
for six terms.Copy !req
272. - Mm-hm.
- He's got fucking juice. What have you got?Copy !req
273. A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son.Copy !req
274. She's got a kid?Copy !req
275. Ass and titties, ass and titties
And big booty bitchesCopy !req
276. Ass and titties, ass and titties
Ass and tittiesCopy !req
277. Last election,
Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP.Copy !req
278. - I want that VP nod, Cam.
Okay.Copy !req
279. I wanna be second lady.
And what are you doing to make that happen?Copy !req
280. You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against
any piece of ass that flashes you a smile.Copy !req
281. None of that was my fault. I was powerless.Copy !req
282. I was plied with copious amounts
of Red Bull, Jell-O shots...Copy !req
283. and Goldschläger.Copy !req
284. Remember Dr. Jenkins,
he thought I had Crohn's disease.Copy !req
285. There were flakes of 24-karat gold
in my stool for about a month.Copy !req
286. I crapped gold.Copy !req
287. Was the nicest thing.Copy !req
288. - Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady...
- Oh.Copy !req
289. saying that, uh, he invited me
to something called a civility brunch.Copy !req
290. Oh.Copy !req
291. Which I think is just a chance for us
to share a meal together...Copy !req
292. and talk about the campaign
and its issues...Copy !req
293. and make sure
that everything's gonna be civil, you know?Copy !req
294. That's a lovely idea, Marty.
We're all so proud of you.Copy !req
295. I knew one day
your dad would realize your true potential.Copy !req
296. Um, boys, put down your utensils.
I wanna talk to you about something real quick.Copy !req
297. I wanted to take this time...Copy !req
298. to say that we're gonna be under
a lot of media scrutiny.Copy !req
299. So if there's anything
that you wanna talk about...Copy !req
300. any kind of secrets...Copy !req
301. or stories or fibs...Copy !req
302. now's the time to put it on the table, okay?Copy !req
303. And if you tell me,
if you tell me and your mom...Copy !req
304. we're not gonna be mad.Copy !req
305. I said the Lord's name in vain at school.Copy !req
306. Mm-hm.Copy !req
307. Well, I said I wasn't gonna get angry,
and I'm not angry.Copy !req
308. Okay. Good.Copy !req
309. I went to the petting zoo
and I let the goat lick my penis.Copy !req
310. What? What—?Copy !req
311. - Now, that I have a—
Now, honey.Copy !req
312. Now, you promised
you wouldn't get mad, okay?Copy !req
313. They're just— They're being honest.Copy !req
314. Okay. Maybe that's— Hopefully, that's it.Copy !req
315. I had a beer with the old biker man
at the end of the street...Copy !req
316. and he let me touch his old lady's titty.Copy !req
317. - Oh, God.
- Ugh. "Breast."Copy !req
318. I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell
and take photos up women's skirts.Copy !req
319. I have a whole book of cooter shots
under my bed.Copy !req
320. One time I put a firefly in my butthole.Copy !req
321. - Why?
- To make my farts glow.Copy !req
322. Oh, God.Copy !req
323. I shaved the dog and glued the hair
to my nut sac so I'd look like a grown man.Copy !req
324. Oh, God.Copy !req
325. I touch myself to Drew Carey
on The Price ls Right.Copy !req
326. God.Copy !req
327. Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.Copy !req
328. I wanna thank you all for coming here today.Copy !req
329. Events like this give us an opportunity
to show Washington, D.C...Copy !req
330. that we're not gonna stand for the
mudslinging that's tearing this country apart.Copy !req
331. Support our troops.Copy !req
332. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
333. And with that, I would like to, uh,
take this time...Copy !req
334. to introduce my opponent and, uh,
my friend, Marty Huggins.Copy !req
335. Marty?Copy !req
336. Thank you so much.Copy !req
337. Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, uh—
Thank you everybody.Copy !req
338. Well, I'm a little nervous. Heh.
I'll be honest with you. Um...Copy !req
339. My dad always told me two things
about giving speeches.Copy !req
340. One, never say anything bad
about the Jews...Copy !req
341. and two, tell an interesting story.Copy !req
342. I have two pugs.Copy !req
343. One's named Poundcake
and one's named Muffins.Copy !req
344. Good Lord.Copy !req
345. Anyway, Poundcake loves
to get underneath the sofa.Copy !req
346. And I know exactly why.Copy !req
347. Because my wife leaves Milky Ways
underneath the sofa...Copy !req
348. with Hamburger Helper on it.Copy !req
349. And Muffins is always yapping at him,
like, "Don't go underneath the sofa."Copy !req
350. And Poundcake barks back:Copy !req
351. "l am under the sofa,
and I'm having a good time."Copy !req
352. And they look at me like, "What?"Copy !req
353. The other one's looking at the other one,
going, "What?"Copy !req
354. Then I walk in like,
"What are y'all two doing?"Copy !req
355. But every day, it's the same thing.Copy !req
356. Just barking about one of them
being underneath the sofa.Copy !req
357. - That's— And that's my story.
- All right.Copy !req
358. Thank you very much.Copy !req
359. Thank you, Marty.Copy !req
360. Have a seat.Copy !req
361. I am sorry. Where are my manners?
I forgot Marty's bio.Copy !req
362. Didn't know I had a bio.Copy !req
363. Mitch, if you'd go ahead and kill the lights.Copy !req
364. if we could draw those curtains, thank you.Copy !req
365. Little presentation.Copy !req
366. Today we are here
to meet Martin Sylvester Huggins...Copy !req
367. who was born right here in 1972.Copy !req
368. As a boy, Marty attended camp
for weight loss and emotional stability.Copy !req
369. In high school, he was part
of an all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch.Copy !req
370. At 25, he met the love of his life.Copy !req
371. She proposed to him six times
before he said yes.Copy !req
372. Together, they have two boys...Copy !req
373. and two pugs,
which, keep in mind, are Chinese.Copy !req
374. They're Chinese dogs.Copy !req
375. And currently Marty Huggins
works out at Curves...Copy !req
376. which is a workout facility
for plus-size women.Copy !req
377. Anyway, don't you find that interesting
to learn about Marty Huggins?Copy !req
378. That's my opponent, Marty Huggins.Copy !req
379. Eat up, everyone. Enjoy.Copy !req
380. Welcome to the fucking show.Copy !req
381. Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry.Copy !req
382. Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie!Copy !req
383. - They're not Communist dogs.
- Drive.Copy !req
384. Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go.Copy !req
385. - Who are you?
- Tim Wattley.Copy !req
386. Motch brothers sent me.
I'm your campaign manager.Copy !req
387. I'm here to make you not suck.Copy !req
388. Now put this shit bucket in gear.Copy !req
389. - What's this all about, Mr. Wattley?
- Your life as you know it is over.Copy !req
390. Your campaign headquarters
are being furnished and staffed...Copy !req
391. and the Motch brothers have put $1 million
into your political action committee.Copy !req
392. But these are my things.
I mean, this is my doily collection.Copy !req
393. - And that's my sign.
From now on, you don't own pugs.Copy !req
394. You own a chocolate Lab and a
golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs.Copy !req
395. One of them will be named Sergeant,
the other Scout.Copy !req
396. They will wear bandanas.Copy !req
397. Sit.Copy !req
398. What about my pugs?Copy !req
399. - Have them put down humanely.
Coming through.Copy !req
400. No. That cannot stay there.Copy !req
401. You wanna put a live deer in the backyard, fine,
but I don't want dead things—Copy !req
402. No. You cannot have guns in here.
Are you crazy?Copy !req
403. Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence.Copy !req
404. Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in.
I tried to stop them.Copy !req
405. They want me to cut my hair
like Katie Couric.Copy !req
406. I want a Bible on this end table...Copy !req
407. and an oil painting of an eagle
over this fireplace, stat.Copy !req
408. - I want Lee Greenwood playing 24/7.
- Mitzi, they're just trying to help us win.Copy !req
409. - Tim, where you going?
No, no, no.Copy !req
410. You do not take down my family.Copy !req
411. Mr. Wattley, what are you doing?
That's my wardrobe.Copy !req
412. Not anymore, it's not.Copy !req
413. From now on,
you wear Men's Wearhouse for formal...Copy !req
414. and the Greg Norman sport collection
for cazh.Copy !req
415. And for God's sakes,
put those beds together.Copy !req
416. No. No.Copy !req
417. These kids need some real help.Copy !req
418. Either one of you throw a football?Copy !req
419. Goddamn it,
what have you been doing with these boys?Copy !req
420. They're homeschooled.
- They're good eaters.Copy !req
421. We have 49 days...Copy !req
422. before this district of 700,000 people
decides if they like you or not.Copy !req
423. Right now, your likability is at 26 percent.Copy !req
424. The focus group words
that come up about you are "odd"...Copy !req
425. "clammy,"probably Serbian."Copy !req
426. - That's an old one.
- "He looks like the Travelocity gnome."Copy !req
427. What?Copy !req
428. if you really wanna help this district,
the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win.Copy !req
429. I do wanna help the district. I love my home.
It's just all happening so fast.Copy !req
430. Listen, I think Cam Brady can be beaten.
But I don't believe you believe that.Copy !req
431. You know what?Copy !req
432. I'm just gonna call your dad
and tell him you don't have the rocks for this.Copy !req
433. Hey.Copy !req
434. You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley.Copy !req
435. This might be hard for you to believe,
but this dog has a ton of fight in him.Copy !req
436. A ton of fight.Copy !req
437. And when I get a scent, I hunt, brother.
I hunt all day long.Copy !req
438. So don't you ever insinuate anything
like that again.Copy !req
439. Call me Tim.Copy !req
440. Complete makeover, head to toe.Copy !req
441. No, no, no, not the pink one.
Let me have a black one.Copy !req
442. It looks like that Precious girl's panties.Copy !req
443. Younger, stronger, smarter.Copy !req
444. Hit him again.Copy !req
445. Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay?Copy !req
446. Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?
Keep the change.Copy !req
447. Like Burt. Goddamn it.Copy !req
448. Why don't you clean this crap up
off the beach?Copy !req
449. Again.
- Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?Copy !req
450. - Get rid of this.
- That's where I keep my things.Copy !req
451. No, up. I need you up, like this.
See the difference?Copy !req
452. - Yeah.
- Here. Watch me. Up. Up.Copy !req
453. Swag. There you go. Like a man.Copy !req
454. Right, Mitch.Copy !req
455. No, I'm out campaigning right now. Mm-hm.Copy !req
456. I'm not taking this thing too lightly.
Heh, give me a break.Copy !req
457. You know me better than that.Copy !req
458. No, I'm meet— I'm literally meeting people.
Hold on, I gotta shake this guy's hand.Copy !req
459. Nice to meet you too, sir.Copy !req
460. Okay, I'm back.Copy !req
461. Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages.Copy !req
462. Keep it simple
and direct questions to the talking points.Copy !req
463. - My boy Spanx are too tight.
- They're supposed to be. Now suck in.Copy !req
464. When you meet Cam at center stage,
shake hands but don't let go.Copy !req
465. Pull him close, maintain a smile,
and then lay some trash talk on him.Copy !req
466. - Yeah.
- Set the tone.Copy !req
467. Right.Copy !req
468. - You jacked?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm jacked, yeah.Copy !req
469. - Now you're jacked.
- Now I'm jacked. Okay.Copy !req
470. Must be hard running for Miss America
and teaching high school at the same time.Copy !req
471. Right. Uh, congressman, I'm married.Copy !req
472. - I'm married too.
- Good.Copy !req
473. - Looks like we got a common denominator.
- Oh.Copy !req
474. - It's a math joke.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
475. - Excuse me, darling.
- It's good.Copy !req
476. - Mind if I talk to my man here?
- Sure.Copy !req
477. - I appreciate it. Thank you.
- She's very nice.Copy !req
478. I just found out some interesting news.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
479. The Motch brothers put a million bucks
in Marty Huggins' political action committee.Copy !req
480. Marty Huggins
has a political action committee?Copy !req
481. Evidently. Yeah, it's called HugPAC.Copy !req
482. And I saw him on the way in.Copy !req
483. They got him in a hundred-dollar suit
and gave him a $5 haircut.Copy !req
484. Looks like they just pissed away
a million dollars.Copy !req
485. Mm-hm.Copy !req
486. - How's my hair?
- Strong.Copy !req
487. Too strong.Copy !req
488. Good evening, everyone.
Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins...Copy !req
489. and Congressman Cam Brady.Copy !req
490. Yeah, baby. Looking good, baby.Copy !req
491. - Good to see you.
- How you doing?Copy !req
492. Hate to break it to you, friend,
but your balloon's getting ready to pop.Copy !req
493. And that balloon's full
of your own butt toots.Copy !req
494. Are you trying to trash-talk me?Copy !req
495. Might wanna decide whether
you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave.Copy !req
496. - Because your face is like a butt.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
497. - You don't know how to trash-talk, do you?
I do know how to.Copy !req
498. - Let me give you some trash talk, okay?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
499. You know what the difference between
your mama and a washing machine is?Copy !req
500. When I dump a load in a machine...Copy !req
501. machine doesn't follow me around
for three weeks.Copy !req
502. Now you go.Copy !req
503. You should take a bath in a toilet.
I just wanna do the debate.Copy !req
504. No. Now I go.Copy !req
505. You're such a little turd...Copy !req
506. that when you sit in sand,
cats try to bury you.Copy !req
507. You have a very vulgar mouth.Copy !req
508. - Please let go of my hand.
- I want you to reach down and touch my nuts.Copy !req
509. Stop.
- That's what nuts feel like. Touch it.Copy !req
510. I don't want to.
- Let me see if you got any.Copy !req
511. Sirs. Sirs, we'd love to get started.Copy !req
512. - I'd love to start.
- Me too.Copy !req
513. - Tim.
- Get him something to stand on.Copy !req
514. Thank you.Copy !req
515. Our first question will go to the incumbent.Copy !req
516. How would you bring jobs back
to the 14th district?Copy !req
517. That's a great question, Carl.
Thank you for asking it.Copy !req
518. It's the first thing I think of
when I wake up in the morning...Copy !req
519. and it's the last thing I think of
when I go to bed.Copy !req
520. Jobs in North Carolina mean what?
A strong North Carolina.Copy !req
521. And a strong North Carolina
means a strong America.Copy !req
522. And that, my friends,
is how we're gonna do it.Copy !req
523. All right.
It's how we do, baby.Copy !req
524. - Yeah.
- It's how we do.Copy !req
525. You've got my vote, Cam.Copy !req
526. Mr. Huggins,
you have one minute for a rebuttal.Copy !req
527. Just like we rehearsed.Copy !req
528. Cam Brady just gave you
the old D.C. Dip and Twirl.Copy !req
529. Just danced around the question.Copy !req
530. Well, I'm here to tell you, North Carolina,
that when it comes to jobs for my district...Copy !req
531. Martin Huggins doesn't dance.Copy !req
532. He rolls up his sleeves,
puts his sandwich in his lunch pail...Copy !req
533. and brings jobs to the Tar Heel State.Copy !req
534. - Yes!
- Yes!Copy !req
535. What the hell?Copy !req
536. Let's bring back corporations
to North Carolina.Copy !req
537. Let's clean up D.C.Copy !req
538. And bring your brooms, because it's a mess.Copy !req
539. There was a clear winner in the first debate.
Marty Huggins simply electrified this crowd.Copy !req
540. Two hours ago,
this congressional race was dead on arrival.Copy !req
541. That was real nice, Marty.
- I was jacked. I don't know what I was saying.Copy !req
542. - Doesn't matter. You killed it.
- Marty. Here he is.Copy !req
543. Rumpelscrotskin,
you been doing so good up there.Copy !req
544. Who did this to you?Copy !req
545. You could not have been doing this
on your own.Copy !req
546. Oh. I want you to meet Becky.
Becky, this is Marty.Copy !req
547. - Hey, Marty.
- Hey, Becky.Copy !req
548. Wow, you were great.Copy !req
549. - I thought you were married to Mindy.
- I am. This is Becky.Copy !req
550. Your brother said I could dance
in your campaign video.Copy !req
551. I have a lot of experience.
I worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls.Copy !req
552. - Fantastic.
- Well, well, well. Tim Wattley.Copy !req
553. - You really outdone yourself this time.
- Gentlemen. Very spirited debate.Copy !req
554. - Hey, Cam.
- Hey, Becky.Copy !req
555. Hey, Becky.Copy !req
556. Well, if you'll excuse us,
we've got some babies to kiss.Copy !req
557. Okay.Copy !req
558. It was like I was another person,
you know?Copy !req
559. I actually have a baby I need to kiss
right down there.Copy !req
560. What's the matter with him?
This is my district. That's my baby.Copy !req
561. - Excuse me.
- Excuse me, please.Copy !req
562. Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair.Copy !req
563. You little fucker.Copy !req
564. No!Copy !req
565. Oh, shit.Copy !req
566. Bizarre news coming out of the 14th district
congressional race in North Carolina.Copy !req
567. Now, get this: Cam Brady,
four-time congressman, punched a baby.Copy !req
568. This is likely to hurt him
with the Christian right, social conservatives.Copy !req
569. Really any group
that opposes baby-punching.Copy !req
570. Baby is fine, and he said he punches
like a 3-year-old.Copy !req
571. After Cam Brady's baby-punching incident...Copy !req
572. Marty Huggins has jumped 11 points
in the polls.Copy !req
573. That is totally taken out of context.Copy !req
574. Well, not really.
I mean, you punched that baby.Copy !req
575. Is anyone asking how my hand feels...Copy !req
576. after punching that iron-like jaw
of that baby?Copy !req
577. - How is your hand?
I can't even make a fist.Copy !req
578. I tell you right now, though,
I'm so angered by seeing that...Copy !req
579. I wish I could go out
and punch that baby again.Copy !req
580. We're getting killed. You're the
best campaign-ad guy in the business.Copy !req
581. I got something that's gonna help.
We tried to take a negative...Copy !req
582. okay, your recent scandals,
and show the positive side of that negative.Copy !req
583. Take a look.Copy !req
584. Cam Brady has come under fire...Copy !req
585. for getting it on with this woman,
Shana St. Croix...Copy !req
586. a former professional cheerleader
and part-time aerobics instructor...Copy !req
587. who can do this.Copy !req
588. And this.Copy !req
589. - Yes, she can.
- Okay.Copy !req
590. Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire?Copy !req
591. We can go into all the great things Cam's done
as a congressman...Copy !req
592. or we can just show some more
of this little honey.Copy !req
593. Vote for Cam Brady...Copy !req
594. a real American man.Copy !req
595. I don't know. What do you think?
- Oh, I fucking love it.Copy !req
596. Shana's gonna love it too.
She looks so hot in it.Copy !req
597. Jesus, Cam.Copy !req
598. Well, let me tell you something.
This spot tested through the roof with men.Copy !req
599. I knew it.
- Now, here's the downside.Copy !req
600. Horrible numbers with women.Copy !req
601. You don't say.
- Horrible?Copy !req
602. - Yeah, that's not a surprise to me.
- Worst we've ever seen.Copy !req
603. You're kidding me.
- No.Copy !req
604. - "Worst" as in...?
- In the history of numbers.Copy !req
605. Yeah, that's lower than I thought.Copy !req
606. Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some
important questions in the minds of voters.Copy !req
607. We're calling it "Homeland lnsecurity."Copy !req
608. Ha, ha.
Check it out.Copy !req
609. Al-Qaeda. The Taliban.Copy !req
610. I hate those guys.Copy !req
611. One thing unites all of them
in their blood pacts:Copy !req
612. facial hair.Copy !req
613. There's someone else, North Carolina,
that has facial hair:Copy !req
614. Marty Huggins.Copy !req
615. - Right.
Right?Copy !req
616. Why doesn't Marty Huggins
answer the question?Copy !req
617. Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda?Copy !req
618. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
619. Why does Marty Huggins
refuse to take a lie-detector test?Copy !req
620. Why won't he?Copy !req
621. And where exactly
was Marty Huggins on 9/11?Copy !req
622. - Bingo.
Okay.Copy !req
623. There's just too many questions.Copy !req
624. Boy, that is solid too. Real solid.Copy !req
625. - Yes.
Uh, Rick, let me ask you this.Copy !req
626. Has there been any sort of correlation
between Huggins and, heh, lslamic radicals?Copy !req
627. - I mean, at all?
- None that I know of.Copy !req
628. What— I think what Rick's trying
to illustrate with that...Copy !req
629. is there's still a heck of a lot of questions
about this guy.Copy !req
630. - Spot on.
How are we gonna pay for these?Copy !req
631. We're gonna run them both.
Let's turn the heat up on Mr. Marty Huggins.Copy !req
632. Gentlemen, we're really counting
on your support.Copy !req
633. The guys at Goldman Sachs are prepared
to donate $500,000 to your super PAC.Copy !req
634. Provided, of course,
you pick up the phone any time we call.Copy !req
635. That's not gonna be a problem.Copy !req
636. if you give us a million, hell,
I'll let you sleep with my wife.Copy !req
637. - And for 1.5, I'll throw in my cousin.
- I don't know if you want her cousin.Copy !req
638. That might drive the price down.Copy !req
639. - No, she lost weight.
- Oh.Copy !req
640. Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie
with me under the table?Copy !req
641. Nope, that's me.Copy !req
642. He's a switch-hitter.Copy !req
643. - Oh, no.
No, no.Copy !req
644. No. I did once. I did once, in college. Yes.
Which we've never talked about.Copy !req
645. It goes without saying,
this lunch never happened.Copy !req
646. This question is for the congressman.Copy !req
647. Why have you consistently voted
against campaign-finance reform?Copy !req
648. Yeah.Copy !req
649. We all know big money
is running this country.Copy !req
650. That's right.
- Do they run you?Copy !req
651. Yeah!Copy !req
652. Hold on.Copy !req
653. Why don't we stop all the softball questions
and ask some real questions, okay?Copy !req
654. Like why won't Marty Huggins here
take a lie-detector test?Copy !req
655. - Yeah. Take the test.
Yeah.Copy !req
656. - Yeah.
- Is he an al Qaeda? Is he a Taliban?Copy !req
657. Congressman, please.Copy !req
658. I've seen a mustache like that before,
and you know who wore it?Copy !req
659. Saddam Hussein.Copy !req
660. And I believe we never caught two of his sons,
Uday and Falafel.Copy !req
661. I am not beholden to
Cam Brady's accusations.Copy !req
662. I am beholden to only one man...Copy !req
663. and that is the greatest American
that has ever lived:Copy !req
664. Jesus Christ.
Who happened to have a mustache.Copy !req
665. There you go, Marty. Amen, Marty.
Jesus loves you, Marty.Copy !req
666. Cam Brady, is it true...Copy !req
667. that you have not been to church
in over nine months?Copy !req
668. Good question.
First of all, my relationship to God...Copy !req
669. is not measured by taking attendance.Copy !req
670. Hallelujah.Copy !req
671. Well, as a Christian, I guess that it would
be easy for you to recite the Lord's Prayer.Copy !req
672. Is that what we're resorting to here?
Gestapo tactics?Copy !req
673. I would like to hear that.Copy !req
674. Would you like to hear him
say the Lord's Prayer?Copy !req
675. You heard the man.
- Fine, I'm happy to. Ahem.Copy !req
676. if the media wouldn't mind
turning off their recording devices...Copy !req
677. and closing their eyes as well,
we can start with the Lord's Prayer.Copy !req
678. Our father...Copy !req
679. Art, who is up in heaven...Copy !req
680. aloe vera be thy name...Copy !req
681. Thy. Thy.
The thigh.Copy !req
682. Thy kingdom...Copy !req
683. Thy kingdom come.Copy !req
684. The magic kingdom.Copy !req
685. As it is on earth...Copy !req
686. in a helicopter.Copy !req
687. Give us this day our daily...Copy !req
688. pizza and let us digest it.Copy !req
689. Forgive us...Copy !req
690. Pass.Copy !req
691. Forgive our passes we commit sometimes
on womenfolk...Copy !req
692. with their dresses that are too tight.
Like, that's a nice caboose you got on your—Copy !req
693. You know what?
That's not part of it, I know that.Copy !req
694. Keep your heads bowed, please.Copy !req
695. Forgive us for trespassing...Copy !req
696. and do not lead us to the Temptations.Copy !req
697. Because we are tired of them
and their dancing.Copy !req
698. And deliver us from evil
with your mighty sword and falcon...Copy !req
699. forever and ever and ever. Amen.Copy !req
700. Amen.Copy !req
701. - That wasn't right.
He doesn't know it.Copy !req
702. - He does not know the Lord's Prayer.
- It's pretty close.Copy !req
703. I know the essence.Copy !req
704. I think we can all agree.
Cam Brady, he's a mess.Copy !req
705. All I know, if you say, "It's a mess,"
you don't support our troops.Copy !req
706. Cam Brady '012.
I was the last one to say something.Copy !req
707. Yeah, baby.Copy !req
708. Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!Copy !req
709. You want a holy war, little man?
You got one.Copy !req
710. - Every day
- Every day would be SundayCopy !req
711. Thank you for having me
at your congregation.Copy !req
712. First time I've worn a Yamaha. It fits nicely.
How do you say "It's a mess" in Hebrew?Copy !req
713. Donkey Kong?Copy !req
714. I have the faith in me.Copy !req
715. Hallelujah.
- Yeah. All right.Copy !req
716. Mitch, I could do this forever.
These snakes love me.Copy !req
717. Goddamn it. Fucking son of a fuck.Copy !req
718. Oh, the fucking cunt-ass serpent bit me!Copy !req
719. Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole.
That is painful.Copy !req
720. Staple my tits to my balls
and then do sit-ups. It hurts.Copy !req
721. Sir, words like that
have never been spoken in this room.Copy !req
722. But the fucker bit me.
I'm sorry, the snake bit me.Copy !req
723. - Which means you don't have the faith of God.
- Yeah— Yes, I do.Copy !req
724. God has removed the venom from my blood
and the blasphemy from my heart.Copy !req
725. - It's a miracle.
- It's a miracle.Copy !req
726. Hallelujah.Copy !req
727. - I can't feel anything. It's Fd up.
- Hey, you okay?Copy !req
728. Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go.Copy !req
729. I feel like I'm maintaining.
Am I maintaining, Mitch?Copy !req
730. - No, you're not. You look horrible. Come on.
- Let's get a couple of burritos.Copy !req
731. Oh, my God.Copy !req
732. Cam. Cam! Where'd he go?Copy !req
733. - He has ascended.
- Cam!Copy !req
734. It's a miracle.Copy !req
735. I gotta cool down. I gotta cool down. Oh.Copy !req
736. Oh, the venom's coursing through my veins.Copy !req
737. Suck the venom out.Copy !req
738. Oh! The venom's giving me an erection.Copy !req
739. I need— I need roughage. I need roughage.Copy !req
740. Oh.Copy !req
741. Oh, I landed on Nazareth,
and I would like to buy a manger.Copy !req
742. Cam Brady, have you not wrought enough evil
on this home?Copy !req
743. Why?Copy !req
744. Don't worry, we're gonna get you home,
get you a couple Advil.Copy !req
745. You'll be right as rain, okay?Copy !req
746. Now, a poll conducted this afternoon
shows the congressman...Copy !req
747. getting a two-point bump from the incident.Copy !req
748. Why were you handling dangerous
snakes without a professional present?Copy !req
749. For the poops.Copy !req
750. Mitzi, look at this.Copy !req
751. Cam Brady got a two-point bump out of a—Copy !req
752. - I was watching that.
- No, Marty. We have to talk.Copy !req
753. You're never home,
and when you are, it's all politics.Copy !req
754. Gosh, I am so flustered.Copy !req
755. Everybody's got me
running every which way but loose.Copy !req
756. I just wanna get back to the basics.
I miss you.Copy !req
757. Let's just have one night like we used to.Copy !req
758. No Tim Wattley.Copy !req
759. Just the family.Copy !req
760. That sounds like a little slice of heaven.Copy !req
761. What the fuck is going on in here?Copy !req
762. You kids go upstairs,
wash your filthy faces, and get to bed.Copy !req
763. Hurry up!Copy !req
764. Are you gonna let him
talk to our children that way?Copy !req
765. - Let me handle this.
- I know you're Marty's wife, but I swear...Copy !req
766. get out before I lose my shit.Copy !req
767. - Marty.
- Now, Mr. Wattley.Copy !req
768. Marty, I need you kicking Cam's balls in
on a daily basis.Copy !req
769. And I come here and find you playing
Hee Haw with the fuck-around gang.Copy !req
770. - Oh, he's drunk. You're drunk.
Yeah, I'm a little lit. So what?Copy !req
771. You have an opportunity to win this thing.Copy !req
772. Do you really think so?Copy !req
773. You promised me this dog could hunt.Copy !req
774. Can you do that?Copy !req
775. Yes, I can, Mr. Wattley.Copy !req
776. That's my boy.Copy !req
777. I think I'm gonna take the children
and go stay at my mother's for the night.Copy !req
778. Mitzi, this will all be over
as soon as I win, okay?Copy !req
779. I promise.Copy !req
780. Just remember, Marty,
what you're giving up for what you're getting.Copy !req
781. Come here.Copy !req
782. Yeah?Copy !req
783. - Hey, Dad.
Hey, Camo, what's going on?Copy !req
784. Hey, uh, I just wanna let you know
that I'm running for class president.Copy !req
785. Good for you. Come on in, have a seat.Copy !req
786. So, uh, what are the issues you're gonna
run on? Figure that out yet?Copy !req
787. No, no, that's boring.
Nobody really cares about that.Copy !req
788. But I did spread a rumor...Copy !req
789. that my opponent, Tommy Monahan,
may or may not have a vagina.Copy !req
790. - That could work, yeah.
- It will work.Copy !req
791. Win at all costs, right, Dad?
You taught me that.Copy !req
792. - Yeah, I guess I did.
- Learned from the best.Copy !req
793. These dreams go on when I close my eyesCopy !req
794. Every sec—Copy !req
795. Cam Brady.Copy !req
796. What are you doing here? It's 1 1 :00 at night.Copy !req
797. I know. But, uh— But we need to talk.Copy !req
798. Are you wearing a hidden camera?Copy !req
799. - Tam—? Do I know Tamara?
- I said, are you wearing a hidden camera?Copy !req
800. Heh, heh. No.Copy !req
801. The black button looks like it has a lens in it.Copy !req
802. Cut.Copy !req
803. Look, I came over here tonight...Copy !req
804. and I just wanted you to know...Copy !req
805. that I just think things have gotten crazy.Copy !req
806. And...Copy !req
807. I want it to stop.Copy !req
808. - Cam, do you think I'm an idiot?
- I do not.Copy !req
809. Okay, then take off that camera, please.Copy !req
810. I'm sorry, it's a habit of mine. I just—
I'm so used to wearing one of these things...Copy !req
811. because I'm afraid someone's taping me,
so I tape them.Copy !req
812. Yeah, it's okay.Copy !req
813. - Where are my manners? Come on in.
- Thank you.Copy !req
814. What is this we have here?Copy !req
815. It's a small-batch bourbon.
By-product of the prohibition days.Copy !req
816. Mm. Oh, wow. Thank you. That is smooth.Copy !req
817. - It's good.
- It's good, yeah.Copy !req
818. - Ah.
- Well...Copy !req
819. - Are they okay?
- What's that?Copy !req
820. Your Chinese dogs.Copy !req
821. Well, pugs were bred
with, uh, short snouts...Copy !req
822. - Mm.
- ... so they could lock in and take down lions.Copy !req
823. I find that hard to believe. Heh.Copy !req
824. You can Google it. It's worth a Google.Copy !req
825. Marty, I was thinking we could
make this campaign a little more civil...Copy !req
826. if there were some way that you and l
could become friends.Copy !req
827. Well, I appreciate you saying that, Cam.Copy !req
828. The meanness and the nastiness
needs to stop.Copy !req
829. I mean, this race is for the people, isn't it?
It shouldn't be about us.Copy !req
830. Do your dogs ever go to a different room?Copy !req
831. - No, I like to have them nearby.
- Oh.Copy !req
832. You know when I first got into politics?Copy !req
833. The fifth grade. Heh.Copy !req
834. Out on the playground,
there was this jaggedy old jungle gym.Copy !req
835. Rusty, sharp edges.
We used to call it Jim the Ripper.Copy !req
836. It got me pretty good.Copy !req
837. Yeah, I remember that old jungle gym.Copy !req
838. Thank you.Copy !req
839. You're welcome.Copy !req
840. Well, in the fifth grade,
I ran for class president...Copy !req
841. under one promise:Copy !req
842. to take down the jaggedy jungle gym.Copy !req
843. And I won.Copy !req
844. Well, that's a heartwarming story, Cam.Copy !req
845. Ah.Copy !req
846. Thank you.Copy !req
847. - Thanks.
- Thank you.Copy !req
848. We are—Copy !req
849. We are definitely going to Cancún.Copy !req
850. And you're not gonna pay for a thing.Copy !req
851. - Bye, Marty.
- Heh.Copy !req
852. - Hey, Cam?
- Yeah?Copy !req
853. - Are you okay?
- Yeah, you too.Copy !req
854. Oh, man. Whew.Copy !req
855. You know what to do, Marty.Copy !req
856. Hammond Police.Copy !req
857. Yes, I'd like to report a drunk driver, please.Copy !req
858. He's going to D-D.C. to be VPCopy !req
859. Whoo!Copy !req
860. BarracudaCopy !req
861. Oh, fuck. Fuck me.Copy !req
862. - In God we must.
Sir, please get out of the vehicle.Copy !req
863. You have a great night.Copy !req
864. - Sir?
- Huh?Copy !req
865. - Please get out of the vehicle.
- Get out of the— You know what? Absolutely.Copy !req
866. And thank you for doing your job.
I appreciate it.Copy !req
867. Also, thank you for releasing me
upon my own recognizance.Copy !req
868. Sir, have you been drinking?Copy !req
869. Yes, I have.
I've had five or six small-batch bourbons.Copy !req
870. That's a lot. I'm gonna have to ask you
to take a Breathalyzer test.Copy !req
871. Mm-hm.Copy !req
872. We got a runner. Stop running!Copy !req
873. Try to catch me, Ranger Rick.
- Stop!Copy !req
874. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
875. Oh, whoo!Copy !req
876. - Chase.
- Stop the vehicle! Stop the vehicle!Copy !req
877. Look what I'm doing. I handled this perfectly.Copy !req
878. This car's so powerful. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
879. What's your present location?Copy !req
880. Oh, wait, this is not my car.
Oh, man. This is not my car.Copy !req
881. I don't have a gun in my car.Copy !req
882. Take the car back.
Okay, play it cool. Play it cool.Copy !req
883. He's not gonna notice. Uh-uh.
He's not gonna notice.Copy !req
884. Control my breathing.
I gotta control my breathing.Copy !req
885. Oh, no. Easy, slow.Copy !req
886. Stop the vehicle now!
- Officer, are you in need of assistance?Copy !req
887. - I'm back up.
- Stop the vehicle.Copy !req
888. I'm back up. l—
- Stop the vehicle now.Copy !req
889. I see you.Copy !req
890. Stop the vehicle.
- No, I see you.Copy !req
891. Get out of the vehicle.
- Hey, here's the good news. I came back.Copy !req
892. Let's just talk about this. Oof. Hey.Copy !req
893. - He fucking set me up, Mitch.
I know it.Copy !req
894. I mean, I showed one moment of weakness,
and then he struck like a cobra.Copy !req
895. Absolutely. Hey, guys. How you doing?
- You were charged with drunk driving.Copy !req
896. Is it true you blew a 1.4?Copy !req
897. Let's also remember
that a responsible number of drinks...Copy !req
898. makes your body looser in car accidents.Copy !req
899. - You actually suffer less injuries.
- Are you advocating drinking and driving?Copy !req
900. Thank you for your help.
You guys do real good work. God bless you.Copy !req
901. - Goodness gracious.
Oh, God.Copy !req
902. - I swear to God, I wanna run these people over.
I don't blame you.Copy !req
903. Damn it. I am still way too drunk.Copy !req
904. We need to double up
our fundraising efforts.Copy !req
905. - if there's money out there, we get it.
- Right. That's what we're gonna do.Copy !req
906. Did you hear about this corporation
that came in...Copy !req
907. and bought 50 foreclosed homes
in this district? What are you doing?Copy !req
908. All right. Anyway,
they also bought off a few closed-up factories.Copy !req
909. - You know anything about that?
- No, I've been trying to win an election.Copy !req
910. Hey, guys, I heard what happened.Copy !req
911. Listen, I wanna tell you,
we had nothing to do with that DUl.Copy !req
912. We don't run a negative campaign.
Need a ride?Copy !req
913. - Come on. We're not gonna fall for that.
- Come on.Copy !req
914. - Jump in.
- Why would you offer us a ride?Copy !req
915. I'm trying to make it up to you.
I'm not who you think I am.Copy !req
916. - Get in the car and I'll give you a ride.
- Are you sure?Copy !req
917. I swear. I swear on my mother's grave.
Okay? isn't that enough? Come on.Copy !req
918. - We're gonna fit in that tiny little thing?
Are you gonna make us pay for the gas?Copy !req
919. You know what? My treat.Copy !req
920. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
921. - Okay.
- Thank you.Copy !req
922. - This is very nice.
- Wonderful.Copy !req
923. The man's not gonna swear
on his mother's grave and then drive off—Copy !req
924. My mother's still alive!Copy !req
925. - What did he say?
- He said, "My mother is still alive."Copy !req
926. - Oh, that's how you beat that.
- Yeah.Copy !req
927. That's exactly how you beat it.Copy !req
928. I'm an American.Copy !req
929. And I believe in American ingenuity
and hard work.Copy !req
930. Unlike my friend here, Cam Brady...Copy !req
931. who believes that everyone should live
in Rainbow Land.Copy !req
932. Douglas, I'd like to say one thing.
I'm an American too.Copy !req
933. And I have no idea what he's referring to
as Rainbow Land, okay?Copy !req
934. I'm referring to a 13-page doctrine...Copy !req
935. written by Camden Brady...Copy !req
936. called Rainbow Land.Copy !req
937. That's something I wrote
in the second grade.Copy !req
938. I think anybody that writes
about the redistribution of wealth...Copy !req
939. sounds like a communist to me.Copy !req
940. - Am I right?
- Hold on.Copy !req
941. It is the simple story of a teddy bear
giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay?Copy !req
942. - That's right.
- May I read from Page 7?Copy !req
943. Don't listen to him, Cam.Copy !req
944. "Please come with me to Rainbow Land...Copy !req
945. where unicorns are made of fudge
and cotton candy...Copy !req
946. and everything is free."Copy !req
947. It's a fictitious place.
Rainbow Land, it's fiction.Copy !req
948. I guess we're all idiots
according to Cam Brady.Copy !req
949. - I didn't say that. I did not say that.
Hey! Hey!Copy !req
950. I do not want to live in Rainbow Land...Copy !req
951. and you can't make me live
in Rainbow Land.Copy !req
952. Yeah.
- This is America.Copy !req
953. You do not have to live in Rainbow Land.Copy !req
954. - You can go to Rainbow Land.
- It does not exist.Copy !req
955. It's a fictitious place. I was 8.
It's from a child's imagination.Copy !req
956. - It's right here in his communist manifesto.
Oh, come on.Copy !req
957. - I won't go to Rainbow Land.
Sit down.Copy !req
958. I said, sit the fuck down. It doesn't exist.Copy !req
959. Go back to where you're from, dick.Copy !req
960. It's not a real place!Copy !req
961. How many times do I gotta say it?
It's not real!Copy !req
962. - What is he pointing at?
- Don't worry.Copy !req
963. - Is he pointing at me?
- He sure the fuck is.Copy !req
964. Cam, you're a communist.
- He's talking shit about me again?Copy !req
965. - You pointing at me?
- What?Copy !req
966. - You pointing at me? You talking to me?
- Huh?Copy !req
967. - Fucking dickhead!
- What are you doing? Cam, no.Copy !req
968. What did you—?
No. No!Copy !req
969. No, no, no!Copy !req
970. Your nickname in school was Tickle Shits.
I'm gonna see if it's true.Copy !req
971. Don't you shit your pants, Marty.Copy !req
972. - Don't! Ha, ha!
Go for his hair.Copy !req
973. - You do not touch the hair.
- Don't you touch my hair.Copy !req
974. - It's a $900 haircut.
Don't talk about that, Cam.Copy !req
975. I'm gonna kill you.Copy !req
976. Remember the politician that punched a baby?
Well, he's at it again.Copy !req
977. He punched Uggie, the dog from
the Academy Award-winning film The Artist.Copy !req
978. Marty Huggins is solidly ahead.Copy !req
979. Rainbow Land is now number six
on Amazon.com.Copy !req
980. Can't believe you landed a national interview.Copy !req
981. Mm-hm.
- This could really swing the campaign.Copy !req
982. Yeah, that's the idea.
Let's get this bad boy. Let's wrap it up.Copy !req
983. - How's the hair?
- Strong.Copy !req
984. Yeah.
- So fucking strong.Copy !req
985. My hair could lift a car off a baby if it had to.Copy !req
986. - Absolutely.
- It'd do it on its way to church.Copy !req
987. - Okay. Ready to do it? Let's do it.
- Ready. Let's go.Copy !req
988. Good evening.
Welcome to Piers Morgan Tonight.Copy !req
989. We start tonight from North Carolina...Copy !req
990. with one of the nation's ugliest
and most polarizing campaigns ever.Copy !req
991. - Our guest is Congressman Cam Brady.
- Thank you, Piers.Copy !req
992. It is an honor to be on your show.
My wife, Rose, and I watch you every night.Copy !req
993. That's very kind of you, congressman.Copy !req
994. It's well known the Motch brothers
are backing Marty Huggins...Copy !req
995. your opponent, with millions of dollars.Copy !req
996. Is this election being bought
by the highest bidder?Copy !req
997. Piers, this election is about
the freedom of choice, simple as that.Copy !req
998. Americans standing up for their freedom
and their right to choose...Copy !req
999. whether it be in the great outdoors
or with four black friends at a jazz club.Copy !req
1000. Congressman, are you taking money
to promote Menthol 100s or not?Copy !req
1001. - Uh, come again? Did you say Menthol 100s?
- I'm not saying the brand of cigarettes again.Copy !req
1002. Are you taking money
from big tobacco companies?Copy !req
1003. No, no, no, I'm not.Copy !req
1004. I just honestly enjoy their cool, fresh taste.Copy !req
1005. And the freshness that Menthol 100s—Copy !req
1006. - Easy.
Hey, come on.Copy !req
1007. - Congressman, let's get back on topic, please.
- I'd love to.Copy !req
1008. And what was that topic
we were talking about?Copy !req
1009. Did it happen to be Coke Zero?Copy !req
1010. No, it was not Coke Zero.Copy !req
1011. Look, I'd like to say one thing:
Marty Huggins for Congress in '012.Copy !req
1012. It's a mess.Copy !req
1013. You're taking money
from Marty Huggins' campaign?Copy !req
1014. - To do a plug on my show?
- Yes. I did take money from Marty Huggins.Copy !req
1015. But you can rest assured that every dime...Copy !req
1016. every single dime,
will be used to defeat Marty Huggins.Copy !req
1017. It's a mess.Copy !req
1018. Let's change topics.Copy !req
1019. Let's get to the toll this race has had
on your marriage.Copy !req
1020. Oh, there's been no toll.Copy !req
1021. I don't know why you would bring that up.
I find that laughable. Ha, ha.Copy !req
1022. No, our campaign
is just so steady right now.Copy !req
1023. We are really hitting our stride,
and my lovely wife is a rock.Copy !req
1024. Really? Well, as a special guest
from an undisclosed location...Copy !req
1025. let's introduce you to your wife.Copy !req
1026. - Hello, Piers.
- Oh.Copy !req
1027. - Honey, what are you doing in the kitchen?
- I'm doing an interview.Copy !req
1028. - She's here in the house.
- Yes.Copy !req
1029. She's— Come on up here.Copy !req
1030. Mrs. Brady, you've gone through
this election process four times now.Copy !req
1031. - How has this race been different for you?
- Oh, it's just been terrible.Copy !req
1032. For one, Cam has just completely
let his body go.Copy !req
1033. It's just a whole mess of fat
and weirdly placed hair.Copy !req
1034. It's like somebody dropped a glazed ham
in a barber shop.Copy !req
1035. - Okay, that— That's ridiculous.
- Oh, come on. Come on.Copy !req
1036. Do you think Cam is emotionally stable enough
to be in office?Copy !req
1037. - I'm trying.
- Oh, God, no.Copy !req
1038. - You can read all about it in my new book.
- Aw, what?Copy !req
1039. I've sold the movie rights.
We're in talks with Kate Hudson to play me.Copy !req
1040. No.
- No.Copy !req
1041. Cam will be played by Yaphet Kotto,
who you may remember...Copy !req
1042. - ... from Homicide: Life on the Streets.
Okay, that's uncalled for.Copy !req
1043. Holy smokes. Done. You had your fun.
- This is over. Damn. You had your fun.Copy !req
1044. You happy, New York? You had your fun.
Shut it down.Copy !req
1045. Why would you do this?
You just killed the campaign.Copy !req
1046. You're five points down. You can't win this.Copy !req
1047. I told you, I don't truck with losers.Copy !req
1048. Plus, I got offered a lobbying job in D.C.
for Motch brothers.Copy !req
1049. - The Motch brothers?
- Yup.Copy !req
1050. You know what they're trying to do.
Get you to leave me.Copy !req
1051. You got your baton, baby?
Yeah.Copy !req
1052. Come on, baby, we're a team.
You're my rock.Copy !req
1053. You're dragging me down, baby.Copy !req
1054. What if my poll numbers go up?
Will you come back?Copy !req
1055. I hate to do this to you, buddy,
but we got bigger problems.Copy !req
1056. I think you need to see this.Copy !req
1057. Congressman
Cam Brady claims to be a family man.Copy !req
1058. What a nice day we've had.Copy !req
1059. - Cam Jr.?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
1060. - The batting cages, the water park.
Must be a hidden-camera situation.Copy !req
1061. You were doing cannonballs.
You were good at those.Copy !req
1062. CAM JR.: Yeah.
- Seeing any girls yet?Copy !req
1063. - What is he doing?
CAM JR.: Sort of.Copy !req
1064. Must be tough having your dad
not be around that much, you know?Copy !req
1065. What is he talking about?
I'm around too much.Copy !req
1066. I could be your dad.Copy !req
1067. - You can call me "Dad."
- No.Copy !req
1068. Go ahead, try.
- No, don't do it.Copy !req
1069. - No, I'm your daddy.
Go ahead.Copy !req
1070. - Dad.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
1071. There you go. That wasn't bad.Copy !req
1072. I'm Marty Huggins,
and I regretfully approve this message.Copy !req
1073. Love you, Cam Jr.Copy !req
1074. Marty Huggins,
the father Cam Brady will never be.Copy !req
1075. Just take it easy. All right?
Just take a deep breath.Copy !req
1076. Now, we ought to think about
how we gonna get back, okay?Copy !req
1077. But we can't let emotion
cloud our judgment, okay?Copy !req
1078. We gotta think logically here.
Now, what do you wanna do?Copy !req
1079. I'm gonna fuck his wife.Copy !req
1080. Great. No. No, you can't do that. No, no, no.Copy !req
1081. I'm gonna fuck his wife,
and I'm gonna go put it on television.Copy !req
1082. No. Okay, you definitely can't do that.Copy !req
1083. First part, maybe,
but the second part, definitely not.Copy !req
1084. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1085. You get my son to call you "Daddy,"
I fuck your wife.Copy !req
1086. - That's the deal?
- That is the deal.Copy !req
1087. What are you pointing at?Copy !req
1088. - Got a book of bad ideas?
- I got a book of good ideas. That's the first one.Copy !req
1089. Get my son to call you "Daddy"...Copy !req
1090. turn the page, it says, "Fuck your wife."Copy !req
1091. Okay, let's talk about this.Copy !req
1092. Welcome back, everybody,
to The Price ls Right.Copy !req
1093. George Gray, who's next, please?Copy !req
1094. Coming.Copy !req
1095. Congressman Brady.Copy !req
1096. Marty's down at the tourism office, so...Copy !req
1097. I really like your hair.Copy !req
1098. It's very Katie Couric.Copy !req
1099. Thank you.Copy !req
1100. May I come in and use your phone?Copy !req
1101. Cal Tjader. Best known
for starting the samba-salsa jazz craze.Copy !req
1102. Yet sadly, was not recognized
for a Grammy for over 40 years.Copy !req
1103. I find it tragic when someone isn't recognized
for perfection.Copy !req
1104. That's very interesting.Copy !req
1105. Tell me something about you.Copy !req
1106. Oh, uh, well, I love owls.Copy !req
1107. I collect them, you know.
Not real ones, of course.Copy !req
1108. But I got some porcelain
or maybe china ones.Copy !req
1109. There's some pretty grumpy ones too
that kind of have those big eyebrows, like—Copy !req
1110. Oh, God,
I know exactly what you're talking about.Copy !req
1111. - I'm gonna let these little fellas out.
- Oh.Copy !req
1112. Come on, little buddies. Come on.Copy !req
1113. Get out, you little fuckers.Copy !req
1114. They are tiny little munchkin butts,
aren't they?Copy !req
1115. They're Marty's dogs.
They don't listen to me.Copy !req
1116. Well, I don't understand that,
because I find you fascinating.Copy !req
1117. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
1118. Mitzi, I'm gonna cut to the chase.Copy !req
1119. I've had feelings for you.Copy !req
1120. - Are we doing what I think we're doing?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1121. I tell you right now, my heart is beating
like a phone book in a dryer...Copy !req
1122. and I'm so afraid
of what's about to happen.Copy !req
1123. What's about to happen?Copy !req
1124. This.Copy !req
1125. Ooh.Copy !req
1126. - Ooh!
- Oh.Copy !req
1127. I want you to put my head in the freezer
while you do me from behind.Copy !req
1128. - Hold on, hold on. isn't the freezer too high?
- I'll get a stool!Copy !req
1129. Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy.Copy !req
1130. The following commercial
is rated TV-MA for mature audiences.Copy !req
1131. Marty Huggins can't even
take care of his own wife, so I did.Copy !req
1132. MlTZl Whoo!
That night, Marty's wife voted.Copy !req
1133. - Multiple times.
Good work. Attaboy. Whoo!Copy !req
1134. Whoo! Whoo!Copy !req
1135. Getting juicy in here.
Whoo!Copy !req
1136. Come on, this isn't a game.Copy !req
1137. I'm Cam Brady,
and I seductively approve this message.Copy !req
1138. - Boom. There it is. Let's get this out ASAP.
- Cam, you can't do that.Copy !req
1139. - Why? Because it wasn't your idea?
- No. No, because it's porn.Copy !req
1140. - I didn't sign up for this.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
1141. What did you sign up for, Mitch?Copy !req
1142. The Big Fat Pussy Who's Too Afraid
to Do What It Takes to Win Club?Copy !req
1143. You gotta calm down.
You're going crazy on me.Copy !req
1144. - I'm crazy because I refuse to lose?
- I think so.Copy !req
1145. Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it!Copy !req
1146. My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one!Copy !req
1147. I will do anything it takes to win.Copy !req
1148. - Hey, hey.
- Even if it means lying!Copy !req
1149. - Or physically hurting someone!
Easy, easy, easy. Put that down.Copy !req
1150. Or branding myself with a coat hanger
in the shape of a V for "victory."Copy !req
1151. I get it. Okay, I'm sorry, everybody.Copy !req
1152. Even if it means listening to Metallica
in a sauna...Copy !req
1153. He's a little stressed out.Copy !req
1154. while I do push-ups
with a naked Shana on my back.Copy !req
1155. Come on, man.
- Is that crazy?Copy !req
1156. - I think so.
- Do I seem crazy?Copy !req
1157. - Or are you the crazy one?
- You gotta stop it.Copy !req
1158. Okay, sit down.Copy !req
1159. Sit the fuck down right now. Okay.
Breathe. Just breathe, okay?Copy !req
1160. Now, what is going on with you?
This is getting out of hand.Copy !req
1161. Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch.Copy !req
1162. - I did get a little crazy there.
- Yes, you did.Copy !req
1163. But I gotta tell you,
this is what it's gonna take to win.Copy !req
1164. Cam, I've been here for eight years with you,
by your side.Copy !req
1165. And we've done some great things.Copy !req
1166. But I don't know
what the hell's gotten into you.Copy !req
1167. What?Copy !req
1168. And to be honest with you,
I'm pretty goddamn disappointed.Copy !req
1169. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1170. Okay, well, get out of here. Go.Copy !req
1171. - Anyone can do your job.
- Hey.Copy !req
1172. Anyone.Copy !req
1173. - You. What's your name?
- Uh, Jason, sir.Copy !req
1174. I just started here. I'm an intern.
But I'm a poli sci major in college.Copy !req
1175. Okay, well, guess what, Jason.
You're running my campaign.Copy !req
1176. Are you serious?
- Congratulations to Jason, everyone.Copy !req
1177. - Nice round of applause.
- I got so many good ideas.Copy !req
1178. Did you know that our government,
we actually give tax breaks to companies...Copy !req
1179. that outsource jobs to other countries?
That's awful.Copy !req
1180. We've already lost 7 million jobs
since NAFTA, right?Copy !req
1181. You get the fuck out of here.
You get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
1182. I don't wanna hear that bullshit.
Hey, what did you major in in college?Copy !req
1183. - You!
- Uh, sports marketing.Copy !req
1184. Okay. You're running my campaign.
Take this down to the TV station.Copy !req
1185. Go. Right now. Tell them to run it.
Let's go, people.Copy !req
1186. Let's win this thing for America. Right?Copy !req
1187. It's the first combination political commercial
and sex tape...Copy !req
1188. and it's got over 65 million hits
on YouTube.Copy !req
1189. Cam Brady was supposed to be
on my show tonight...Copy !req
1190. but he's had to cancel again.Copy !req
1191. He's apparently dealing with a sex tape.Copy !req
1192. He's gotta withdraw his name from the ballot
at the very least, wouldn't you say?Copy !req
1193. - Uh, a slight bump, actually.
- What?Copy !req
1194. And there's Muffins and Poundcake...Copy !req
1195. in a parking lot of an airport Denny's...Copy !req
1196. thirsty, alone and tired.Copy !req
1197. And then I find a wife who's forced me
to wear the horns of a cuckold.Copy !req
1198. Look, Marty, I definitely did wrong.Copy !req
1199. But do you know this is the first time
you've actually talked to me in weeks?Copy !req
1200. The entire country is talking
about what you did.Copy !req
1201. I know.Copy !req
1202. Tim says I gotta kick you out...Copy !req
1203. or else I'll look weak
and I'll lose the election.Copy !req
1204. When did Tim Wattley
become part of this family?Copy !req
1205. Why don't you make up
your own mind, Marty?Copy !req
1206. I think you should leave, Mitzi.Copy !req
1207. At least until the election's over.Copy !req
1208. And then what?
You'll be the old Marty again?Copy !req
1209. - And what if you win?
- Well—Copy !req
1210. - Marty, you should've never entered this race.
- Well, Cam Brady should've never entered you.Copy !req
1211. - Tim told me to say that.
- Gross.Copy !req
1212. Goodbye, Marty.Copy !req
1213. We're out of Honey Nut Cheerios.Copy !req
1214. Check the pantry. There's some Froot Loops.Copy !req
1215. Okay, so here's the deal.Copy !req
1216. if I bag a buck,
we'll get a nice bounce in the polls.Copy !req
1217. So, what I did is
I bought a dead seven-point buck, I froze it...Copy !req
1218. and I put it out by the lake in the woods.Copy !req
1219. It's probably defrosted by about now.Copy !req
1220. So get the photographers ready when I yell.Copy !req
1221. That's an awesome plan, congressman.
What's the signal?Copy !req
1222. Well, you'll hear a gunshot,
and then you'll hear me yell:Copy !req
1223. "Black Hawk down!"Copy !req
1224. That makes sense. Hey.Copy !req
1225. Marty Huggins.
I didn't realize you were a sportsman.Copy !req
1226. Sorry about that thing with your wife.
You know politics.Copy !req
1227. Ho—! He shot me.
Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!Copy !req
1228. - You saw it. You all saw it.
- Way to go, Marty.Copy !req
1229. - Hunting season's over. Let's go, start the car.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1230. It went right through my femur.Copy !req
1231. Candidate Huggins shot his opponent,
Congressman Brady, in a hunting accident...Copy !req
1232. and went up in the polls.Copy !req
1233. Ted Nugent would be proud.Copy !req
1234. Bravo, young man.
Well, well, well.Copy !req
1235. if it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle.Copy !req
1236. We didn't have any idea
that you had this kind of talent.Copy !req
1237. Well done.Copy !req
1238. I'm only saying this because I've had
about a dozen brandies and a bump of coke...Copy !req
1239. and I'm a little emotional.Copy !req
1240. Goddamn it, I'm so proud of you. I mean—Copy !req
1241. You actually shot a man
and went up in the polls.Copy !req
1242. That's something we've only dreamed about.Copy !req
1243. Well, I would've shot somebody a long time
ago if I knew you'd be proud of me, Dad.Copy !req
1244. - Sit down.
- Okay.Copy !req
1245. Well, the good news is
you don't have to worry about the charges.Copy !req
1246. There was not a single soul
who was willing to testify.Copy !req
1247. As of right now,
you are 12 points over Cam Brady.Copy !req
1248. - That's right.
Well, I'm just super overwhelmed by it.Copy !req
1249. It's been a really good day.Copy !req
1250. Well, I got some more good news
for you, son.Copy !req
1251. We have purchased all the rights
and large tracts of land in your district...Copy !req
1252. and we will be building three factories
that will generate 8000 jobs...Copy !req
1253. and over a billion dollars of revenue
per annum.Copy !req
1254. Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
1255. And we immediately sold that real estate
and debt...Copy !req
1256. to the People's Republic
for a massive profit.Copy !req
1257. - I'm sorry, to who?
- Oh. The 14th district now belongs to China.Copy !req
1258. Guess those jobs will be good
for the district.Copy !req
1259. Actually, American workers
are paid way too much...Copy !req
1260. for us to book the profits
we're accustomed to.Copy !req
1261. We'll be bringing in low-paid Chinese labor.
They'll clock in at 50 cents an hour.Copy !req
1262. We call the concept "insourcing."Copy !req
1263. And we want you to start using "insourcing"
in all your campaign speeches.Copy !req
1264. The word tested through the roof.Copy !req
1265. It just kind of seems like you're building
a big sweatshop in Hammond.Copy !req
1266. You have factories in China.
Why are you gonna bring them here?Copy !req
1267. It'll save a fortune in shipping.Copy !req
1268. It'll double the already-doubled profits
that we make.Copy !req
1269. With all due respect, I thought we were
gonna do something nice for the district.Copy !req
1270. And when you request those EPA waivers
and concessions on minimum wage...Copy !req
1271. the whole project will be a go.Copy !req
1272. Well, Marty?Copy !req
1273. No, I won't do it.Copy !req
1274. I'm not gonna be known as the congressman
who sold out his district to the Chinese.Copy !req
1275. What are you doing?
You're fucking up, baby bro.Copy !req
1276. Goddamn it, son! Will you do as I say?Copy !req
1277. Look, I'm not the type of guy
that talks back to his father.Copy !req
1278. But I imagine that guy, and I imagine that guy
would say something like this:Copy !req
1279. You were never there for me.
This town was always there for me.Copy !req
1280. And by the way,
I know when you were married to Mama...Copy !req
1281. you were having an affair with that woman
that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter.Copy !req
1282. What you're doing is wrong. It's dead wrong.Copy !req
1283. Jiggle it.Copy !req
1284. - Jiggle a little.
- Jiggle a little.Copy !req
1285. I did. I mean...Copy !req
1286. Jig— You pull— Lift it up and jiggle it.
Lift it up.Copy !req
1287. - Shake and push.
- Now push.Copy !req
1288. - No, at the same time. You gotta—
- Jiggle, shake and push.Copy !req
1289. Yeah.
There it is.Copy !req
1290. Nope. Now I got it.Copy !req
1291. Do we kill him?Copy !req
1292. No, no, no.Copy !req
1293. What we're looking for is a new,
fresh voice...Copy !req
1294. that'll wake up the people
and harness their frustrations.Copy !req
1295. A savior, if you will.Copy !req
1296. And it turns out
he's been right in front of us all along.Copy !req
1297. I'm not gonna cry.Copy !req
1298. - I'm not gonna cry.
- Rinse.Copy !req
1299. Jesus, Wattley.Copy !req
1300. What the hell are you doing in here?Copy !req
1301. Motch brothers sent me.
I'm here to make you not suck.Copy !req
1302. lntroducing the new and improved Cam Brady.Copy !req
1303. Bring him down.Copy !req
1304. How you doing, North Carolina?Copy !req
1305. The new Cam Brady is here today
to stop the talking and start the walking.Copy !req
1306. The funny thing is, there's still
a lot people out there that say no.Copy !req
1307. Marty Huggins says no.Copy !req
1308. But we're gonna kick his ass,
because that's how we do.Copy !req
1309. Whoo!Copy !req
1310. Motch paid me 50 grand
to make a few appearances.Copy !req
1311. We're not back together.
Put your arm around me.Copy !req
1312. Now, remember,
y'all have to support Cam Brady.Copy !req
1313. Cam Brady '012. Whoo!Copy !req
1314. Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins!Copy !req
1315. Well, let's be honest.Copy !req
1316. We're getting our tushes handed to us.Copy !req
1317. You're only eight points down, Marty.Copy !req
1318. There's a chance we could make it up
before the polls open tomorrow.Copy !req
1319. - Hello, Mitzi.
Hey, Marty.Copy !req
1320. Look, after 17 years of faithful marriage...Copy !req
1321. I did a bad, stupid thing.Copy !req
1322. I got crazy, Marty.Copy !req
1323. I lost myself and who I am.Copy !req
1324. And I'll be sorry for the rest of my life.Copy !req
1325. Well, you should be.Copy !req
1326. You hurt my feelings, Mitzi.Copy !req
1327. And I don't get my feelings hurt that much,
you know?Copy !req
1328. But I'm to blame too.Copy !req
1329. I turned my back on the boys and you.Copy !req
1330. And to the people of this town.Copy !req
1331. I got all messed up with the hoopla
of bigtime politics...Copy !req
1332. and look who I am now.Copy !req
1333. I ain't much of nothing.Copy !req
1334. Marty, tomorrow is election day.Copy !req
1335. You're not gonna win.
And that means they'll destroy this town.Copy !req
1336. You've got 14 hours
till they open up those polls.Copy !req
1337. We're up against some dirty players.Copy !req
1338. It's time to save this town.Copy !req
1339. Now, when you say something like that...Copy !req
1340. I do get a little careless whisper
in my body.Copy !req
1341. - Do you?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
1342. Be my Drew Carey.Copy !req
1343. Mitzi Huggins, come on down.Copy !req
1344. Oh. Oh, I'm dizzy.Copy !req
1345. Okay, people.Copy !req
1346. It's time to get to work. Let's do it.Copy !req
1347. KElTH OLBERMANN: It's election day.
Polls are opening on the East Coast.Copy !req
1348. Record turnout
in North Carolina's 14th district..Copy !req
1349. where Cam Brady is solidly ahead.Copy !req
1350. - All right.
- That's how we do.Copy !req
1351. Ha, ha. Hello.Copy !req
1352. Stuart, do you still have those
TV commercial spots available for today?Copy !req
1353. - Mm-hm.
- Okay.Copy !req
1354. Hey. Hey, everybody.Copy !req
1355. Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody.
Check out these TVs.Copy !req
1356. Hello, I'm Marty Huggins.
I'm running to be your congressman.Copy !req
1357. I've spent my last penny on this ad
to tell everyone in the district one thing.Copy !req
1358. I have not been honest with you.Copy !req
1359. See, the truth is,
big money is running politics in America.Copy !req
1360. Billionaires and corporations
have given me millions of dollars...Copy !req
1361. to say what they want me to say.Copy !req
1362. What the hell is he doing?Copy !req
1363. And most of the time,
what they want me to say is a lie.Copy !req
1364. Well, I'm not doing it anymore.Copy !req
1365. But on this election day,
if you choose to vote for me, know this:Copy !req
1366. I will never take another dime
from any billionaire or corporation.Copy !req
1367. And to get the ball rolling,
I will tell you the darkest secrets of my life.Copy !req
1368. On October 23rd, 1996, at 2:11 p.m...Copy !req
1369. I farted in a very crowded elevator
and blamed it on a war veteran.Copy !req
1370. I would like to apologize to that woman.Copy !req
1371. Last year, I attended a Halloween party
dressed up as Lady Gaga.Copy !req
1372. I felt so alive and free,
I did not take off the costume for two days.Copy !req
1373. As a prank, when I was 15...Copy !req
1374. my big brother told me
you have to masturbate with your feet.Copy !req
1375. And to this day, that's how I do it.Copy !req
1376. This feels good. Ahem.Copy !req
1377. Everyone, turn to the person next to you,
reach in your heart, and let it speak.Copy !req
1378. I had an affair with the waitress
at Ruby Tuesdays.Copy !req
1379. So did l.Copy !req
1380. I run a meth lab out of the kids' tree fort.Copy !req
1381. I'm your twin sister.Copy !req
1382. Sometimes when I get a little drunk,
I let kids touch my old lady's titty.Copy !req
1383. Ninety percent of the time,
I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.Copy !req
1384. I tried to kill you in your sleep.Copy !req
1385. What?Copy !req
1386. Three times.Copy !req
1387. You see, telling the truth feels good,
and it's what this country was built on.Copy !req
1388. I'm Marty Huggins,
and this is one message I approve.Copy !req
1389. Oh, Mr. Raymond.
Here you go, your afternoon refreshment.Copy !req
1390. - Mrs. Yao?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1391. Do you know what I like most
about your Asian boys?Copy !req
1392. Hmm?Copy !req
1393. They respect their elders
and do as they're told.Copy !req
1394. You have been saying for years...Copy !req
1395. how you want Marty to stand up
and be his own man.Copy !req
1396. Well, he's finally done it.
You should be proud of him.Copy !req
1397. - What did you say?
- Oh, right. Uh...Copy !req
1398. Your son Marty be standing up like a man...Copy !req
1399. but his pappy gots to support him.Copy !req
1400. This is bullshit.Copy !req
1401. Election day winding down.Copy !req
1402. North Carolina's 14th district
one of the last to call it.Copy !req
1403. And today opponent Marty Huggins
did the craziest stunt to date.Copy !req
1404. Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be
the most honest congressman out there.Copy !req
1405. Listen, guys,
he opened his life up, and it's worked.Copy !req
1406. He's up in the polls.Copy !req
1407. The whole country is still waiting
on the result.Copy !req
1408. Ahem. We have a winner,
as verified by the State Election Board.Copy !req
1409. And the results were as follows.Copy !req
1410. With 90,362 votes, Camden Brady.Copy !req
1411. And now for the results for Martin Huggins:Copy !req
1412. 80,365 votes. Cam Brady wins.Copy !req
1413. - Yeah! Whoo!
- All right. Whoo!Copy !req
1414. How can that be?
We were up 10,000 votes in the exit polls.Copy !req
1415. How can that be?Copy !req
1416. Who's taking care of business now?Copy !req
1417. - Thank you.
- We did it, baby. We did it.Copy !req
1418. It's you and me against the world forever.Copy !req
1419. Cam Brady!Copy !req
1420. - Thank you. Thank you so much.
Well done.Copy !req
1421. Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
1422. - Mitzi.
- Cam.Copy !req
1423. Sorry.Copy !req
1424. Hey, Marty.Copy !req
1425. Why are you so upset?
You ran a hell of a campaign.Copy !req
1426. - I mean, you got a real talent for this.
- You still don't get it, do you?Copy !req
1427. I didn't do this for some career.Copy !req
1428. I did this because I love my home
and I wanted to help out.Copy !req
1429. Just like you did when you took down
that jaggedy jungle gym...Copy !req
1430. so other kids wouldn't get cut like me.Copy !req
1431. - It got you too.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1432. I remember that jaggedy jungle gym.Copy !req
1433. - Ow.
- Look at this.Copy !req
1434. Oh, no.Copy !req
1435. Doctors said it was the worst
playground accident they'd ever seen.Copy !req
1436. And I just dangled there
for two straight nights.Copy !req
1437. Oh, good Lord.Copy !req
1438. But back then, in the fourth grade,
I voted for you.Copy !req
1439. You know why?Copy !req
1440. Because you were a voice of the people.
But that's when we was kids.Copy !req
1441. I guess this is the, uh...
The way of the world now.Copy !req
1442. Come on, Cam, we gotta go.Copy !req
1443. It had to be said.Copy !req
1444. - Pull up your pants, honey.
- Okay.Copy !req
1445. Here he is, the man of the hour.Copy !req
1446. It's been a pleasure running his campaign.
Congressman Cam Brady.Copy !req
1447. We love you, Cam.Copy !req
1448. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thanks.Copy !req
1449. So, uh...Copy !req
1450. So I won. That's great.Copy !req
1451. Marty Huggins did a crazy thing
on TV today.Copy !req
1452. He told the truth.Copy !req
1453. So here I go.Copy !req
1454. I am a great politician.Copy !req
1455. Yeah.Copy !req
1456. - But I am a horrible congressman.
No.Copy !req
1457. Now, hold on, hear me out.Copy !req
1458. I hardly ever vote in Congress,
and I never read the bills.Copy !req
1459. When I'm in D.C.,
I mostly Facebook old girlfriends...Copy !req
1460. play fantasy hockey.Copy !req
1461. Words with Friends, Scrabble,
Draw Something.Copy !req
1462. I just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady...Copy !req
1463. and I was scared to death of losing that.Copy !req
1464. So I took a bunch of money
from the Motch brothers...Copy !req
1465. and convinced myself that selling
the 14th district to China was a good idea.Copy !req
1466. All they care about is profits.Copy !req
1467. Not you, not me, not America.Copy !req
1468. The only reason why my wife is here tonight
is because they paid her to be here.Copy !req
1469. Jesus, I think we should
take our leave. Excuse me.Copy !req
1470. He's a liar.
He's a nutbag.Copy !req
1471. Don't touch me. We're both ex-Marines.Copy !req
1472. Get away now.
Get away or I'll start slapping people.Copy !req
1473. But do you know which individual
in this room...Copy !req
1474. stood up to the Motch brothers
and said no?Copy !req
1475. Marty Huggins.
That son of a bitch fears no man.Copy !req
1476. He should be your congressman.Copy !req
1477. Sure, I know what you're thinking:
He's a weirdo.Copy !req
1478. I've often wondered...Copy !req
1479. why the folks
from Ripley's Believe It or Not!Copy !req
1480. haven't broken into his house...Copy !req
1481. and kidnapped him
for a permanent display.Copy !req
1482. But I'll tell you this: He's one of the good ones,
and I've actually grown fond of him.Copy !req
1483. So with that, I'd like to announce
my withdrawal from this election...Copy !req
1484. and congratulate
Congressman Marty Huggins.Copy !req
1485. Come on up here, Marty.Copy !req
1486. Goddamn.Copy !req
1487. AUDlENCE
Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!Copy !req
1488. You sure about this?Copy !req
1489. Get on up there before I change my mind.Copy !req
1490. Thanks so much.Copy !req
1491. One minute you got your pants down...Copy !req
1492. and the next minute
you're a U.S. congressman.Copy !req
1493. It's usually the other way around, I guess.Copy !req
1494. I'd like to thank Cam Brady
for his intestinal fortitude...Copy !req
1495. for doing what he just did.Copy !req
1496. I want the 14th district to know
that you will not be sold to China...Copy !req
1497. to Brazil...Copy !req
1498. to Nova Scotia...Copy !req
1499. or any other country.Copy !req
1500. - Hi, Cam.
- Hey, Mitch.Copy !req
1501. That was the greatest gesture
I've ever seen in my life.Copy !req
1502. - That was book-worthy.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1503. - I'd really like to work together again someday.
- Well, nothing would please me more.Copy !req
1504. It's a deal.Copy !req
1505. By the way, I hope you don't mind me
saying this, but you look great.Copy !req
1506. - I started drinking again.
- Oh.Copy !req
1507. Mm-hm.Copy !req
1508. And I want to end daylight savings time.
I hate when it gets dark early.Copy !req
1509. Washington, D.C., I have a message for you:Copy !req
1510. I'm bringing my broom,
because you know why?Copy !req
1511. It's a mess.Copy !req
1512. It's a mess! It's a mess! It's a mess!Copy !req
1513. It's a mess! It's a mess!Copy !req
1514. Congressman
Scott Talley will tender his resignation...Copy !req
1515. over allegations of using federal funds
to purchase his mistress's fake breasts.Copy !req
1516. Large breasts offer more protection
to a woman's tender vital organs.Copy !req
1517. - Talley's done.
- What a waste.Copy !req
1518. - Connie!
- I think you fired her.Copy !req
1519. Oh, damn it. Who is it?Copy !req
1520. Hola, it's me, Rosita,
your new cleaning lady.Copy !req
1521. Oh, this is a big casa.Copy !req
1522. It's going to take me forever to clean it,
but I do it for you.Copy !req
1523. Go away.Copy !req
1524. This is a subpoena...Copy !req
1525. for you to appear before a congressional
hearing on campaign-finance illegalities.Copy !req
1526. You've been served, dickheads. Heh.Copy !req
1527. - What?
- Who's heading this hearing?Copy !req
1528. Oh. Congressman Marty Huggins...Copy !req
1529. and he's going to go loco
on your gringo asses.Copy !req
1530. Greedy motherfuckers.Copy !req
1531. Okay, everyone, please. Okay.Copy !req
1532. I'd like to remind these gentlemen
why they are here.Copy !req
1533. You were spending millions of dollars
buying politicians...Copy !req
1534. spreading misinformation...Copy !req
1535. and influencing legislation
for your personal gain.Copy !req
1536. - Now, I think the re—
Marty. You're doing great.Copy !req
1537. - And I just love being your chief of staff.
- Good.Copy !req
1538. Unfortunately,
none of these charges are illegal.Copy !req
1539. Uh, that's correct, congressman.Copy !req
1540. The Citizens United ruling
made that abundantly clear.Copy !req
1541. Maybe I can't get you on the corruption
of elections, but I can get you on this:Copy !req
1542. I can—Copy !req
1543. It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A.
It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A.Copy !req
1544. Aiding and abetting
a known international fugitive.Copy !req
1545. This is Tim Wattley,
a.k.a. Leonidis Stavros...Copy !req
1546. a.k.a. the Greek Butcher...Copy !req
1547. a.k.a. the Greek Baker...Copy !req
1548. a.k.a. the Greek Candlestick Maker...Copy !req
1549. a.k.a. Dermot Mulroney...Copy !req
1550. a.k.a. Osama Getting-Laiden.Copy !req
1551. Gentlemen, these are federal offenses.Copy !req
1552. My brother is responsible for this.
I've never heard of Mr. Wattley in my life.Copy !req
1553. Boom.Copy !req
1554. You're under arrest.
- I've never seen him before.Copy !req
1555. - I'll tell you this: It's a mess.
- Whoo!Copy !req
1556. I put you in that chair. I can get you out.Copy !req
1557. - This is a sham.
Are you kidding?Copy !req
1558. - We make every decision together.
This is all you.Copy !req