1. Okay. How do we start?Copy !req
2. - A picture would be good.
- Right.Copy !req
3. But we should use one
where we're smiling.Copy !req
4. Nice.Copy !req
5. "Two male brothers..."Copy !req
6. Male? That's implied through
the word "brothers."Copy !req
7. I know, I just think that we should be
ultra-clear on this.Copy !req
8. About ourselves.
What's there to tell?Copy !req
9. Describe ourselves.Copy !req
10. - What's the word?
- Duper?Copy !req
11. That's it.Copy !req
12. Okay, what's the most
we could hope for?Copy !req
13. Oh, I got this one.Copy !req
14. - Awesome.
- This is gonna be great.Copy !req
15. 64.89.Copy !req
16. - Can I write a check?
- You're already taken care of.Copy !req
17. "Taken care of"? By who?Copy !req
18. I watched you at work in here.
I must say I am more than impressed.Copy !req
19. John.Copy !req
20. Thank you very much,
but I really can't accept this.Copy !req
21. Can't accept what?
Your own groceries?Copy !req
22. These are yours. I don't own them.Copy !req
23. All I own is the opportunity...Copy !req
24. to come in contact with such
a well-rounded and fun person.Copy !req
25. - Should we go to your car?
- No. Thank you.Copy !req
26. I don't mean to be rude,
but I bought your groceries.Copy !req
27. If you don't leave me alone...Copy !req
28. I'll call security
and they'll kick you out.Copy !req
29. You're fighting an uphill battle.Copy !req
30. I'm a taxpayer, therefore I can
stand wherever I want.Copy !req
31. Taxpayers can stand
where they want.Copy !req
32. - Security!
- Security!Copy !req
33. You can't block the door.
I don't care how much tax you pay.Copy !req
34. Okay, you can do this.
Don't think about past defeats.Copy !req
35. Gotta impress her parents,
gotta make a good impression.Copy !req
36. Hi, Dean.Copy !req
37. I'm so relieved,
you look just like your picture.Copy !req
38. Thank you. It's nice to meet you.Copy !req
39. That's so sweet.
I want you to meet my dad. Come on.Copy !req
40. It's nice to meet you, sir.Copy !req
41. Well, I followed your advice
to the letter...Copy !req
42. and everything seemed
to be going great.Copy !req
43. But then when I went in
for the kiss...Copy !req
44. he got very standoffish, very cold.Copy !req
45. I'm sorry.Copy !req
46. Do you think I did
something wrong?Copy !req
47. By expressing the greatest respect
you can show a woman's father?Copy !req
48. - That can never be wrong.
- Yeah.Copy !req
49. So did you go to the store?Copy !req
50. Yup. Spent like 200 bucks.Copy !req
51. Get any numbers?Copy !req
52. No. But I did manage
to get thrown in store jail.Copy !req
53. What?Copy !req
54. Yeah. Apparently, in the store's eyes,
I was annoying the customers.Copy !req
55. Did they know you're current
on your taxes?Copy !req
56. - They knew.
- And they still locked you up?Copy !req
57. Well, I guess I don't understand
the dating scene.Copy !req
58. I know.Copy !req
59. It really is a mystery to me.Copy !req
60. But you know what?
We've got nothing to be sorry about.Copy !req
61. I did the best job I could
at being me today, and so did you.Copy !req
62. I love learning from you.Copy !req
63. And I love teaching you.Copy !req
64. First message, sent today at 1743.Copy !req
65. I switched it to military time.Copy !req
66. That's great.Copy !req
67. This is Dr. Mettler from
the Arctic Ice Data Bank...Copy !req
68. calling again about
those core-sample reports.Copy !req
69. I'm on it.Copy !req
70. About 10 degrees.Copy !req
71. Second message,
sent today at 1143.Copy !req
72. Hey, this is Jim
from Movie Time Video.Copy !req
73. I'm just calling to remind you...Copy !req
74. that you still owe us $23
in late charges for Ulee's Gold.Copy !req
75. Great, now the video store
is pissed.Copy !req
76. Third message, sent today at 2043.Copy !req
77. "2043." I love it.Copy !req
78. Yeah, it's like space time.Copy !req
79. Dean, John, this is your father.Copy !req
80. I'm down at
Ajax Community Hospital.Copy !req
81. I was feeling sick
so I came in for a few tests...Copy !req
82. and I'm afraid I have
some bad news.Copy !req
83. Devastating news, actually.Copy !req
84. I just want you boys to know
how much I love you...Copy !req
85. and how proud I am of you both.Copy !req
86. Please come as soon
as you possibly can.Copy !req
87. Oh, my God.Copy !req
88. We just found out our father's dealing
with medical issues, possibly dying...Copy !req
89. so we need to dispute this
late charge quickly. Do you mind if—?Copy !req
90. - Go ahead.
- Great.Copy !req
91. Have a movie time.Copy !req
92. We got a call about late charges for
Ulee's Gold but we paid them already.Copy !req
93. What's your last name?Copy !req
94. We don't have time for this! Our fa—
Solomon. Solomon!Copy !req
95. - Says you're paid. Don't worry about it.
- Great! Thank you.Copy !req
96. In fact...Copy !req
97. it says you have credit for a movie.
If you like movies.Copy !req
98. You can't park that here.Copy !req
99. Dad.Copy !req
100. Oh, Dad.Copy !req
101. He seemed to be doing fine...Copy !req
102. and then, like 10 minutes ago,
he lapsed into the coma.Copy !req
103. Well, not even 10 minutes.
More like seven.Copy !req
104. Or even six.Copy !req
105. We got here as soon as we could.Copy !req
106. - It's not good.
- His coma?Copy !req
107. No, his coma's fine.
It's a strong coma.Copy !req
108. That's not surprising.
Dad does everything all the way.Copy !req
109. He's amazing.Copy !req
110. He can take even the most negative
thing and turn it into a positive.Copy !req
111. He's definitely looking at this situation
right now as being half alive.Copy !req
112. Yes, he seemed very upbeat
for a man slipping into a coma.Copy !req
113. He told me how very proud he was
of both of you...Copy !req
114. of his work for the government...Copy !req
115. of the story of meeting your mother,
and of her tragic death.Copy !req
116. He told you all that?Copy !req
117. He spoke very fast. Remarkable man,
with very few regrets.Copy !req
118. "Few regrets"?Copy !req
119. Try no regrets.Copy !req
120. No, he said something about
how he wished he could live...Copy !req
121. to see his first grandchild, or...Copy !req
122. I forget how he said it.Copy !req
123. You know, if you'd been here, like,
five, even four minutes earlier—Copy !req
124. We're very aware of the time line.Copy !req
125. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
126. Looking good.Copy !req
127. Looking real good.Copy !req
128. It's too bad there aren't, like,
coma pageants.Copy !req
129. Right, John?Copy !req
130. - John?
- Sorry.Copy !req
131. I was thinking about
what Dr. Wong said.Copy !req
132. John, Dad would've wanted us
to dispute that late charge.Copy !req
133. No, not about the late charge.
About the grandchild thing.Copy !req
134. Look, it's not an exact science...Copy !req
135. but sometimes people hang on...Copy !req
136. if they have a milestone
to look forward to.Copy !req
137. Milestone?Copy !req
138. Yes. Like an anniversary,
or a birthday, or a...Copy !req
139. Or a baby being made for you?Copy !req
140. Well, maybe.Copy !req
141. Wait. How are we supposed to
make a baby?Copy !req
142. I mean, we don't have the best of luck
with women, John.Copy !req
143. Dean, I know that.Copy !req
144. But before, we were trying
to enter women for ourselves.Copy !req
145. This time,
we'd be entering women for Dad.Copy !req
146. Hands in.Copy !req
147. "Make a baby for Dad" on three.Copy !req
148. One, two, three.Copy !req
149. Make a baby for Dad!Copy !req
150. You have got a nice face.Copy !req
151. Thank you.Copy !req
152. - Sure makes up for that body.
- What?Copy !req
153. No. No, no, no.
I'm saying that your face...Copy !req
154. it makes up for your body.Copy !req
155. Thank you.Copy !req
156. Hey, you've got something right...
Right— No. You know what?Copy !req
157. Chicken.Copy !req
158. I gotta be honest, Erica.
I'm really feeling a connection here.Copy !req
159. I mean, you're beautiful,
impeccable dresser...Copy !req
160. great personality, nice hair, fat,
great smile, smell good...Copy !req
161. Have you ever heard of the phrase
"More cushion for the pushin'"?Copy !req
162. Yeah, why?Copy !req
163. Because you got it, lady.
Here, lift up your napkin for a sec.Copy !req
164. Yep, you've got it.Copy !req
165. There it is. There it is.Copy !req
166. Are you ovulating right now?Copy !req
167. This is our first date
and that's none of your business.Copy !req
168. I'm about to make it my business.Copy !req
169. Michelle.Copy !req
170. Make me the happiest man
in the world...Copy !req
171. and marry me.Copy !req
172. Are you joking?Copy !req
173. I know. Isn't it great?Copy !req
174. No.Copy !req
175. What do you say we get out of here,
and I go put a baby in you?Copy !req
176. Well, I don't—Copy !req
177. No strings attached.Copy !req
178. You have no idea how long I've been
wanting to have a baby like this.Copy !req
179. I mean, this is like
a dream come true.Copy !req
180. For me too.Copy !req
181. A no-strings-attached situation
in which I can carry a baby to term...Copy !req
182. have it and then give it
to two wonderful people.Copy !req
183. - It's great.
- Awesome!Copy !req
184. You know what? I'm gonna deliver
this baby to you on a silver platter.Copy !req
185. One hundred percent—Copy !req
186. So she got hit by a bus, huh?Copy !req
187. Poor girl.Copy !req
188. Yeah, the bus took
a pretty serious hit too.Copy !req
189. I mean, she was a large girl.
Comfortably in the 200s.Copy !req
190. Oh, my God. Sounds horrible.Copy !req
191. Yeah.Copy !req
192. So how was your date?Copy !req
193. Well...Copy !req
194. wasn't exactly an A-plus.Copy !req
195. More like an A.Copy !req
196. But don't worry.Copy !req
197. I'm not giving up just yet.Copy !req
198. Still a lot more fight
left in this old bulldog.Copy !req
199. God, this thing is gonna be
harder than we thought.Copy !req
200. Come on, Dean.
Don't think like that.Copy !req
201. I mean, yeah, we're gonna have to
make some sacrifices.Copy !req
202. But think about all the sacrifices
that Dad made for us.Copy !req
203. Remember that Christmas
Mom died?Copy !req
204. Dad told us we could have
anything we wanted.Copy !req
205. Where does Santa live?Copy !req
206. He lives at the North Pole.Copy !req
207. I wanna live at the North Pole.Copy !req
208. Me too.Copy !req
209. And what did Dad do?Copy !req
210. He took us to the North Pole
and raised us there.Copy !req
211. And when we were teenagers
and needed a date for prom?Copy !req
212. Dad went out searching for the most
beautiful women within 100 miles.Copy !req
213. He almost died.Copy !req
214. But the women he found!Copy !req
215. Beautiful.Copy !req
216. Oh, Qiqirn.Copy !req
217. The times we had.Copy !req
218. John, I am completely
back on board.Copy !req
219. I can't believe I ever thought
of giving up.Copy !req
220. Dean, don't be so hard on yourself.Copy !req
221. - You just said "hard on."
- I know.Copy !req
222. Dr. Wong called and said
we should start looking...Copy !req
223. for long-term-care facilities
for Dad.Copy !req
224. I guess the hospital kicks him out
after a certain point.Copy !req
225. Really? Well, I wouldn't
worry about it.Copy !req
226. Because while you were telling me
that, I found the perfect place.Copy !req
227. Really? Where?Copy !req
228. I'll tell you tomorrow.Copy !req
229. - Hi. Delivery for John Solomon.
- He's not here right now.Copy !req
230. - Sign here.
- Okay.Copy !req
231. Thank you.Copy !req
232. Bring it on in.Copy !req
233. All right, this thing here
is a dialysis machine.Copy !req
234. That's for the... The kidneys.Copy !req
235. These are defibrillator paddles.Copy !req
236. If the EKG shows a flatline, rub them
together, put them on the chest and:Copy !req
237. Heart should get going again.Copy !req
238. There's more to know about that.
Probably take a class or something.Copy !req
239. That's coagulants
and anti-coagulants.Copy !req
240. This is a blue thing.Copy !req
241. The ventilator, oxy tank
and a couple intubation trays.Copy !req
242. Have your nurse hook those up.
You have a nurse, right?Copy !req
243. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
244. Hold the elevator, please!Copy !req
245. Visiting someone on seven?Copy !req
246. No.Copy !req
247. Check it out?Copy !req
248. Stroll it.Copy !req
249. No, I live there.Copy !req
250. You do not. You absolutely do not.
Where on seven?Copy !req
251. - 704.
- What?Copy !req
252. I am 703.Copy !req
253. You ever like to go out for drinks?
Unwind after a long day?Copy !req
254. - No.
- Nor do I.Copy !req
255. Dad's here!Copy !req
256. Yeah, thanks for telling me.Copy !req
257. I wanted you to be surprised.Copy !req
258. Well, I was surprised.Copy !req
259. By how you once again made
the best possible decision.Copy !req
260. This is great.Copy !req
261. I thought he'd be better off here
than some medical shithole.Copy !req
262. So much better off.Copy !req
263. And because of a factory recall,
I got a great price on the machines.Copy !req
264. Yeah, there might be some flaws in
some of these, only time's gonna tell...Copy !req
265. but flaws equal savings.Copy !req
266. Everywhere you look, a positive.Copy !req
267. Plus, I got a ton of medical books
highly recommended by Dr. Wang.Copy !req
268. - You mean Dr. Wong.
- Dr. Wang.Copy !req
269. This dentist I met at Barnes & Noble.
Really knows his shit.Copy !req
270. Oh, God. I have some really exciting
news to tell you about.Copy !req
271. What? What?Copy !req
272. Okay, okay. I just met the most—Copy !req
273. Is there any way to turn
Dad's machines down?Copy !req
274. I tried earlier but there doesn't seem
to be a volume switch on them.Copy !req
275. At least that I can find.Copy !req
276. All right, it's just very distracting.Copy !req
277. Yeah.Copy !req
278. I just met the most gorgeous woman
I've ever seen. Guess where she lives.Copy !req
279. - 704.
- 704? Oh, my God.Copy !req
280. You gotta see her.
She is amazing.Copy !req
281. Tall, super-skinny,
infectious spirit. She—Copy !req
282. Crap. You get the circuit breaker,
I'll revive Dad.Copy !req
283. Okay. Here I go.Copy !req
284. Clear!Copy !req
285. - Did you get him?
- I got him. He's back.Copy !req
286. Nice job.Copy !req
287. I guess we were using
too much power.Copy !req
288. Maybe we should turn off
some lights.Copy !req
289. All right. Yeah. That'll be good.Copy !req
290. Do you think it's safe
to turn the TV back on?Copy !req
291. I think it's safe.Copy !req
292. See, with all these lights off,
I think you're totally fine. You can do—Copy !req
293. Shit balls!Copy !req
294. I'll be right there.Copy !req
295. Okey-dokey.Copy !req
296. Hi.Copy !req
297. Ken, hi.Copy !req
298. Hi. Can I help you?Copy !req
299. John.Copy !req
300. Of the elevator and 703 fame.Copy !req
301. Just wanted to invite you to a lit—Copy !req
302. Sorry, if you can just—Copy !req
303. Invite you to a little
romantic hallway dinner.Copy !req
304. We already have dinner plans.Copy !req
305. Well, you know what? I do this
all the time, so I'll get you next time.Copy !req
306. We should go.Copy !req
307. I'm starving.Copy !req
308. You guys look really nice.Copy !req
309. Who wants bubbly?Copy !req
310. - Enjoy your dinner, sport.
- Already am.Copy !req
311. You guys want some?Copy !req
312. Excuse me.Copy !req
313. Champagne does it to me.Copy !req
314. I think we maybe need to
broaden our search to include...Copy !req
315. less conventional methods
of having a baby.Copy !req
316. Like anal?Copy !req
317. Well, I was thinking more along
the lines of adoption.Copy !req
318. But isn't adoption kind of cheating?Copy !req
319. Look, we just gotta step it up, and that
means exploring every possibility.Copy !req
320. Yeah.Copy !req
321. You do realize that adoption is
a huge commitment.Copy !req
322. We're ready.Copy !req
323. So are you married
or just a long-term couple?Copy !req
324. We're not gay. We're brothers.Copy !req
325. So which of you will have custody?Copy !req
326. We're gonna tag-team.Copy !req
327. I'm afraid that's not an option.Copy !req
328. Unless you're married, one of you
needs to have full legal custody.Copy !req
329. Well, in that case,
I guess it'll have to be Dean.Copy !req
330. Burn.Copy !req
331. Can we have a moment, please?Copy !req
332. - Thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
333. No, I was being facetious.
I do not want this responsibility.Copy !req
334. You would be better at this
than me.Copy !req
335. What? I'm gonna be
a horrible father.Copy !req
336. - You're not.
- Much worse than you.Copy !req
337. Well, I mean, what if we get this kid
and it just sucks?Copy !req
338. We return it.Copy !req
339. - You can do that?
- Of course.Copy !req
340. - Why don't you just do it?
- I have bad credit.Copy !req
341. Two questions for you.Copy !req
342. What is your return policy?Copy !req
343. Will bad credit
fuck our chances to adopt?Copy !req
344. There's no return policy.Copy !req
345. And, yes, your financial situation is
of paramount importance.Copy !req
346. Do you have any pictures of the kids?
Something that we can—?Copy !req
347. Dean, how about that little guy?Copy !req
348. No frigging way.
Under no circumstances.Copy !req
349. He's got, like,
Bell's palsy or something.Copy !req
350. That's my son.Copy !req
351. I'm sorry.Copy !req
352. Bell's palsy is the clinical term,
though, right?Copy !req
353. He's clowning for the camera.Copy !req
354. God's special little clown.Copy !req
355. Get out.Copy !req
356. - You look like the real deal.
- Thank you.Copy !req
357. Wasn't a compliment.
Why'd you get that thing, anyway?Copy !req
358. I don't know. I saw it on Craigslist
and I thought, "What the hell?"Copy !req
359. - What's Craigslist?
- It's great.Copy !req
360. It's this website that's
got everything:Copy !req
361. Jobs, pets, cars, ice-dancing suits.
I mean, you can find anything there.Copy !req
362. - Anything?
- Anything.Copy !req
363. - Anything?
- Anything.Copy !req
364. "Two brothers looking
to have baby.Copy !req
365. Thank you."Copy !req
366. Okay. It's a little bare bones,
but if you like it, I can get behind it.Copy !req
367. "Thank you."Copy !req
368. Send.Copy !req
369. All right, so what do we do now?Copy !req
370. Now we just sit here and wait.Copy !req
371. I almost forgot. This suit does
something a little unexpected.Copy !req
372. Check this out.Copy !req
373. All ri—Copy !req
374. Nice doggy.Copy !req
375. Hold the elevator!Copy !req
376. We have gotta stop
meeting like this.Copy !req
377. People are gonna start to talk.Copy !req
378. Got a new generator.Copy !req
379. Looks like it's already generating
some heat.Copy !req
380. I gotta go get my mail.Copy !req
381. Cool, I'll hold the elevates for you.Copy !req
382. Please don't.Copy !req
383. John? John, is that you?Copy !req
384. Get in here!
Craigslist came through!Copy !req
385. - We got a response?
- Yeah.Copy !req
386. Her name is Janine
and she totally wants to do it.Copy !req
387. I mean, there's one little catch.Copy !req
388. I knew it. What is it?Copy !req
389. She wants $10,000.Copy !req
390. Ten thousand dollars?Copy !req
391. There is a huge demand for babies
right now. It's a seller's market.Copy !req
392. Okay, well,
I'll give this Janine a call.Copy !req
393. But I might try a little negotiation.Copy !req
394. Janine. Hi, it's John and Dean
from the Craigslist.Copy !req
395. Let me just start by saying how happy
we are to have a baby with you and—Copy !req
396. Well, we were thinking
something in the $20 range.Copy !req
397. Won't budge off the 10 thou?Copy !req
398. Okay, well, then I am gonna
have to counter with $25.Copy !req
399. Forty dollars. Fifty.Copy !req
400. Deal!Copy !req
401. Okay.Copy !req
402. Twelve thousand dollars it is.Copy !req
403. Great, bye-bye.Copy !req
404. Twelve thousand dollars?Copy !req
405. Yeah, she really brought
her A game.Copy !req
406. But you know what? Who cares?
You know what this means, right?Copy !req
407. - We're having a baby!
- We're having a baby!Copy !req
408. You got your
defibrillator paddles there.Copy !req
409. And heart machine.Copy !req
410. This is...Copy !req
411. a blue medical machine.Copy !req
412. This is, you know...Copy !req
413. That's a dialysis machine
for the kidneys.Copy !req
414. And if you wanna watch TV
or something...Copy !req
415. just throw on the generator,
you'll have power!Copy !req
416. Dean, we're gonna be super late.
Come on.Copy !req
417. Wait. You go comedy and drama,
I'm gonna go action and foreign.Copy !req
418. Let me start by saying—Copy !req
419. - You got the money?
- Yes.Copy !req
420. So I guess I'll go first.Copy !req
421. Wait, I would like to go first.Copy !req
422. Relax. We're gonna get
multiple shots here.Copy !req
423. What do you mean by
"multiple shots"?Copy !req
424. Well, egg fertilization is
a quantity game.Copy !req
425. So our plan is to literally blanket
your ovarian walls with our sperm.Copy !req
426. We'll each make love to you
until one of our seeds sticks.Copy !req
427. Not at the same time.
Taking turns.Copy !req
428. - Yes. Yes. John, then me.
- Guys, wait.Copy !req
429. - Then Dean, then me.
- Guys.Copy !req
430. - Then Dean, then me.
- Then lunch.Copy !req
431. Then me, then Dean, then me.
I can't wait to feel myself inside of you.Copy !req
432. Guys!Copy !req
433. The only thing you're gonna feel
yourself inside of is a cold Dixie cup.Copy !req
434. Well, that certainly doesn't make
your vagina sound very appealing.Copy !req
435. I'm not talking about my vagina.Copy !req
436. I'm talking about
artificial insemination.Copy !req
437. I see.Copy !req
438. A scientist gets to do all the fun stuff
and we get stuck with the frigging bill.Copy !req
439. Well, that sounds fair.Copy !req
440. Janine, we are spending
a lot of money here.Copy !req
441. Shouldn't we get
something out of it?Copy !req
442. Yeah, you get a baby out of it.Copy !req
443. That is a good point.Copy !req
444. Okay.Copy !req
445. Okay. So I made an appointment at
the sperm bank for tomorrow at 3:00.Copy !req
446. - Good times.
- Awesome.Copy !req
447. Janine, what the hell is going on
in there? I heard guys.Copy !req
448. - Who's that?
- It's my ex-boyfriend, James.Copy !req
449. James, I thought we agreed
we were taking a break.Copy !req
450. And you already seeing other people?
Who the fuck are these guys?Copy !req
451. Hi, James, it's me, John.Copy !req
452. And I'm his brother, Dean.
It's nice to meet you.Copy !req
453. Nice to meet you too.Copy !req
454. The fuck you doing in there?Copy !req
455. No, James, it's okay.Copy !req
456. We're just working out a plan
in which Janine is having our baby.Copy !req
457. Yeah, we're all very excited
about it.Copy !req
458. Oh, yeah. I'm getting excited
just hearing about it.Copy !req
459. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't the
three of us get together sometime?Copy !req
460. That way you can get to know me
and I can beat the shit out of you.Copy !req
461. James, you better cool it or I'm gonna
call the cops. You want me to do that?Copy !req
462. Baby, what you talking about?
I just wanna talk.Copy !req
463. Okay, fine.Copy !req
464. Wait, can we vote on this?Copy !req
465. - I vote no.
- "No" here too.Copy !req
466. Looks like the "no's" have it.
Seems like a democratic—Copy !req
467. James.Copy !req
468. - Have you been crying?
- No.Copy !req
469. You poor thing.
Let me get you some tissues.Copy !req
470. Okay.Copy !req
471. So which one of you two assholes
is having a baby with my girl?Copy !req
472. - I am.
- I am.Copy !req
473. How did you two meet?Copy !req
474. Chat room, motherfucker.Copy !req
475. So...Copy !req
476. you're a janitor?Copy !req
477. That's right. I'm a black man
so I must be a janitor.Copy !req
478. Motherfucking racist-ass
stereotyper.Copy !req
479. It's just, you're...Copy !req
480. wearing a...Copy !req
481. janitor's outfit.Copy !req
482. So a black man can't just go
in a thrift shop...Copy !req
483. and buy a janitor's outfit because
he find it comfortable on his nuts.Copy !req
484. No, he can.Copy !req
485. Especially a black man.Copy !req
486. What do you do?Copy !req
487. I'm a janitor.Copy !req
488. Baby, why you even doing this?Copy !req
489. They need a baby, I need the money.
It's that simple.Copy !req
490. Okay, so we're gonna go.
Give you guys some privacy and...Copy !req
491. We got a big day ahead of us
tomorrow at the sperm bank.Copy !req
492. We're gonna need all our energy
for that trip to the—Copy !req
493. Don't you fucking say
"sperm bank."Copy !req
494. —fluid...Copy !req
495. depository.Copy !req
496. James, I think you should leave too.Copy !req
497. - Can we give you a ride somewhere?
- Ain't that a bitch?Copy !req
498. So because I'm a black man...Copy !req
499. automatically I ain't got
no goddamn car.Copy !req
500. The more I think about
our trip to the...Copy !req
501. bank, the more excited I get.Copy !req
502. Dean, I need you to promise me that
you're not gonna... yourself off tonight.Copy !req
503. We're gonna need every drop of...Copy !req
504. we can muster for tomorrow's trip
to the... bank.Copy !req
505. Yeah, well, it's essential that
we fill Janine's... to the tippity-top...Copy !req
506. with all the pearly white s... erm
we can conjure up.Copy !req
507. If you two don't shut the fuck up,
I'm gonna beat the living...Copy !req
508. out your fucking...Copy !req
509. My place over there.Copy !req
510. That's your house? It's beautiful.Copy !req
511. Surprised? I guess I should be
living in the ghetto.Copy !req
512. I think Dean's surprised you live in
a nice house, because you're a janitor.Copy !req
513. Bingo.Copy !req
514. But you wouldn't be as surprised
if I was a white janitor.Copy !req
515. Not as surprised.Copy !req
516. He really scares me.Copy !req
517. When you're done, leave the cups
and an attendant will collect them.Copy !req
518. We're not expected to fill
this whole thing, right?Copy !req
519. Just do whatever you can.Copy !req
520. Okay, good.
I had kind of a big morning.Copy !req
521. I thought we promised we were
gonna hold off till this afternoon.Copy !req
522. Well, I'm sorry, but there was a
Laverne & Shirley marathon on TV...Copy !req
523. and I, you know, was weak.Copy !req
524. Well, I hope, for your sake,
that you are multi-orgasmic.Copy !req
525. Well, I am. I swear.Copy !req
526. I am like the semen equivalent
of the Energizer Bunny.Copy !req
527. - I can have so many orga—
- She gets it.Copy !req
528. So these are your rooms and
over here is our magazine selection.Copy !req
529. I'll leave you two alone
to make your decision.Copy !req
530. Okay, so I guess we got sort of
a breast theme there...Copy !req
531. and that has more of a focus
on the vagina there.Copy !req
532. But there's vaginal stuff
in the breast one, right?Copy !req
533. Yeah, there's plenty of crossover,
I'm sure.Copy !req
534. Don't worry, none of these are gonna
give short shrift to the vagina.Copy !req
535. - So wait, where were we?
- Jug Junkies.Copy !req
536. Right, breasts, vagina, senior vaginal,
teen vaginal, housewife anal...Copy !req
537. How'd that get there?Copy !req
538. What are you doing here,
little lady?Copy !req
539. All right, you go ahead
and pick first.Copy !req
540. Let's see.Copy !req
541. Dean going for
the Indigenous Weekly.Copy !req
542. Gotcha. J.K. I know that you
probably want this one.Copy !req
543. Indigenous Weekly back in play.Copy !req
544. I don't want it.Copy !req
545. Let's see... This.Copy !req
546. Okay. All right, well,
as tempted as I am to get that...Copy !req
547. Not.Copy !req
548. I'm gonna take the Jizz Junkies.Copy !req
549. Okay. So bombs away.Copy !req
550. Motherfuck!Copy !req
551. Well, we finished the procedure.Copy !req
552. Janine will be out in a minute.
In a week we'll know if it worked.Copy !req
553. So whose sperm was used?Copy !req
554. Well, we went in with
your specimen, John.Copy !req
555. Oh, really?Copy !req
556. But unfortunately there was
no motility in your sperm.Copy !req
557. - I'm sterile?
- Basically.Copy !req
558. Burn.Copy !req
559. So we went with Dean's sperm.Copy !req
560. Well, we'll see who's laughing...Copy !req
561. when they spend zero dollars
at the condom store.Copy !req
562. Well, I have your results here...Copy !req
563. and I want you to know that
what I am about to tell you...Copy !req
564. has been double-checked
by the lab.Copy !req
565. I guess you just never know how
you're gonna react in that situation.Copy !req
566. I just got so excited.
I mean, we're gonna be dads!Copy !req
567. I know.Copy !req
568. Wait, why the hell's it so quiet?Copy !req
569. Clear!Copy !req
570. Wait a— I think this thing's still on.Copy !req
571. These are on too.Copy !req
572. I think they're all still on.Copy !req
573. - Dad's okay?
- Yeah.Copy !req
574. What the hell?Copy !req
575. Hey. I was just using
your bathroom.Copy !req
576. Your friend had to go back
to the video store...Copy !req
577. so he asked me
to watch your dad.Copy !req
578. I hope you don't mind, I turned down
the volume on the machines.Copy !req
579. They have volume switches?Copy !req
580. Yeah. Inside the back plates.Copy !req
581. Crap, is the generator on?
The microwave—Copy !req
582. Relax. I rerouted the electricity.Copy !req
583. I hope you don't mind, but I helped
myself to some of your chili.Copy !req
584. Tara, you need to know something.Copy !req
585. Our chili...Copy !req
586. is your chili.Copy !req
587. - Thank you.
- No...Copy !req
588. thank you for watching our dad.Copy !req
589. No problem.Copy !req
590. About that...Copy !req
591. Do you guys know anything
about vascular pumps...Copy !req
592. or EKGs or any of
this equipment?Copy !req
593. - Very much. Much. Very, very much.
- Much. Much, much, much.Copy !req
594. Well, I'm training to be a nurse.Copy !req
595. What an arousingly selfless pursuit.Copy !req
596. Anyway, if you guys need any help,
you know...Copy !req
597. I need to watch an intensive-care
patient for three months.Copy !req
598. So if you were across the hall from me,
it would save me a lot of hassle.Copy !req
599. - Deal.
- Great.Copy !req
600. And, as payment, I will take you
on a series of nighttime dates.Copy !req
601. No, that's okay.Copy !req
602. I should go.Copy !req
603. Do you mind if I take this chili
and bring back the bowl later?Copy !req
604. - Just keep the bowl.
- Thank you.Copy !req
605. No. No.Copy !req
606. That is our chili bowl...Copy !req
607. and you will bring it back.Copy !req
608. Understand?Copy !req
609. Yeah.Copy !req
610. Oh, my God!Copy !req
611. So, what was with the bowl thing?Copy !req
612. Why take away a reason for her
to come back to our apartment?Copy !req
613. If she falls in love with this place...Copy !req
614. it's only a matter of time
before she falls in love...Copy !req
615. with this place.Copy !req
616. And then...Copy !req
617. this place.Copy !req
618. John...Copy !req
619. Of course she should return
the chili bowl.Copy !req
620. What do you think?
Should we tell Dad the good news?Copy !req
621. Yeah.Copy !req
622. Dad? You've always given us
everything we've ever wanted.Copy !req
623. And now it's payback time.Copy !req
624. Dad, you're gonna be
a grandfather.Copy !req
625. But, Dad...Copy !req
626. we need a little something
from you.Copy !req
627. We need you to stay alive
for nine more months.Copy !req
628. We know you can do it...Copy !req
629. because you can do anything
that you put your mind to.Copy !req
630. Well...Copy !req
631. Look who's in the hot tub.Copy !req
632. That's good news for both of us.Copy !req
633. I was actually just getting out.Copy !req
634. Talk about a wet dream.Copy !req
635. You know, you don't have to tell me
each time one of those happens.Copy !req
636. This was a different kind of wet.Copy !req
637. But every bit as satisfying.Copy !req
638. Birthday, birthday, birthdayCopy !req
639. Someone's having a birthdayCopy !req
640. A day of joy and mirth dayCopy !req
641. Because it's Jennifer's birthdayCopy !req
642. Happy birthday, Jennifer.Copy !req
643. Really?Copy !req
644. Happy birthday to Tiffany.Copy !req
645. A toast to the baby.Copy !req
646. You can't toast our future baby
with water.Copy !req
647. I can't have alcohol if I'm pregnant.Copy !req
648. Bingo. That's baby-smart.Copy !req
649. Dart it up?Copy !req
650. I wish you could've seen our dad's face
when we told him about the baby.Copy !req
651. It was priceless.Copy !req
652. It's really sweet that you guys are
so close to your dad.Copy !req
653. Yeah. Our dad is the best.Copy !req
654. I mean, when Mom died,
could've really messed us up.Copy !req
655. But he worked hard to raise us like
every other kid in a two-parent family.Copy !req
656. You know, homeschooling,
puppetry-based sex education...Copy !req
657. friendship simulations, the works.Copy !req
658. I mean, don't get me wrong,
I'm not happy that my mom died.Copy !req
659. Just, it's because of her grisly death
that we turned out the way we did.Copy !req
660. - You owe me $5.
- No, I don't.Copy !req
661. That is clearly within two inches
of your nose.Copy !req
662. This is in my nose.Copy !req
663. Okay. So I guess your nose isn't
within two inches of your nose.Copy !req
664. You're right. Here is $5.
Congratulations on a good win.Copy !req
665. Thank you.Copy !req
666. Well, your dad certainly
gave you guys a positive outlook.Copy !req
667. Wish some of that
would rub off on James.Copy !req
668. Don't worry about it.
James'll be fine. I'm sure—Copy !req
669. The cocksucking newspaper machine
ate my motherfucking quarter, man.Copy !req
670. What the fuck?Copy !req
671. First trimester.Copy !req
672. And that's the nose and mouth,
and there's an eye right there.Copy !req
673. Beautiful.Copy !req
674. Now, should we be concerned at all
that we only saw one eye?Copy !req
675. No, I'm sure the other eye is fine.Copy !req
676. How sure? A hundred percent?Copy !req
677. Well, I suppose
anything's possible.Copy !req
678. So there's at least a small chance
we're dealing with a Cyclops.Copy !req
679. Well, a Cyclops is
a mythical creature, so no.Copy !req
680. - Thank God.
- My God. Check it out, guys.Copy !req
681. I'm about to give birth
to an ice cream sandwich.Copy !req
682. I just felt it kick.Copy !req
683. Are you guys sure
you're ready for this?Copy !req
684. Being a dad is a big deal.Copy !req
685. You should be prepared.
Maybe spend some time around kids.Copy !req
686. Don't you worry, Janine.
We have a plan.Copy !req
687. And by the time you poop that thing
out of your baby hole...Copy !req
688. we'll be so prepared,
you won't even recognize us.Copy !req
689. We'll be ready.Copy !req
690. They're so cute,
I just wanna hug them all to death.Copy !req
691. I just wanna squeeze the life
out of them.Copy !req
692. Yeah, you might wanna control that.Copy !req
693. Okay.Copy !req
694. Okay, Jenny, one more trip
down the slide. Just one.Copy !req
695. Hello, young lady.
Wanna go get some ice cream?Copy !req
696. - Yeah.
- Great, let's go!Copy !req
697. - What do you think you're doing?
- Getting ice cream. Wanna join?Copy !req
698. No, and my daughter
doesn't wanna join either.Copy !req
699. Actually, she does wanna join.Copy !req
700. Yeah, Mommy, I want ice cream.Copy !req
701. Are we done here?Copy !req
702. - Jenny, come with Mommy.
- I want ice cream.Copy !req
703. Come with Mommy.Copy !req
704. Hey, Jenny, if you change your mind,
we'll be here in this car.Copy !req
705. Nice. Reserve the option for later.Copy !req
706. Look at the tits on that one.Copy !req
707. Yeah. He needs to lose
a few pounds.Copy !req
708. Did you know childhood obesity is
the number one cause—?Copy !req
709. Gentlemen.Copy !req
710. Hello, officer. One second, please.Copy !req
711. It's the number one cause
of early-onset diabetes.Copy !req
712. You know what?
I think I did know that.Copy !req
713. What can we do for you?Copy !req
714. We've had complaints.
Can I ask you what you're doing here?Copy !req
715. Trying to coax that girl into our car,
but her mom's being a pain in the ass.Copy !req
716. We're just kind of waiting
for an opening.Copy !req
717. Get her by herself.Copy !req
718. And what is your badge number?Copy !req
719. "247726-A."
Great. See you in court.Copy !req
720. Or should I say "sue you in court."Copy !req
721. And please relay that message
to 924, 946, and 955.Copy !req
722. Hello, Janine.Copy !req
723. Glad you took what I said to heart.Copy !req
724. - We took it very to heart.
- Extremely to heart.Copy !req
725. You guys just can't practice
on somebody else's kid.Copy !req
726. I know how badly you guys want this,
but wanting it badly just isn't enough.Copy !req
727. Do you guys even know
the first thing about raising a child?Copy !req
728. Have you read any books
or done any research?Copy !req
729. No.Copy !req
730. But, I mean...Copy !req
731. - The cavemen didn't read any books.
- He's got a point.Copy !req
732. The infant mortality rate back then
was, like, 80 percent.Copy !req
733. Well, that's pretty good.Copy !req
734. No, that means 80 percent died.Copy !req
735. - I went the other way with it.
- This isn't a joke.Copy !req
736. I'm not joking, I seriously went
the other way with it.Copy !req
737. If you guys are gonna do this...Copy !req
738. you have to stop making decisions
a head-trauma patient would make...Copy !req
739. and start making decisions
that a parent would make.Copy !req
740. I'll take that into consideration.Copy !req
741. - That's not good enough.
- Then we'll heavily consider it.Copy !req
742. Can we focus?Copy !req
743. Guys. This baby is inside of me,
which means I have some say in this.Copy !req
744. If I don't think the two of you
can handle this...Copy !req
745. you will never even lay eyes
on this child. Got it?Copy !req
746. Yeah.Copy !req
747. Got it.Copy !req
748. Dean.Copy !req
749. Hands in.Copy !req
750. "Become kick-ass dads," on three.Copy !req
751. One, two, three.Copy !req
752. - Become kick-ass dads!
- Become kick-ass dads!Copy !req
753. It's all right, you told them, baby.Copy !req
754. Second trimester.Copy !req
755. The baby's lost
and you gotta find it. Go.Copy !req
756. - Fifteen seconds.
- Where are you?Copy !req
757. Dean, you gotta find that baby!Copy !req
758. Got it, got it! How'd I do?Copy !req
759. - Fifty-four seconds.
- Nice.Copy !req
760. - Yeah, I think it died.
- Crap.Copy !req
761. Keep your chin up.Copy !req
762. Bound to lose a baby or two
along the way.Copy !req
763. I love you.Copy !req
764. - Are you ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
765. It's not always gonna tell us when it's
gonna jump. Gotta think about that.Copy !req
766. There you go again,
making me a better person.Copy !req
767. Good one, Dean.Copy !req
768. Looks like someone's diaper's full.Copy !req
769. It crapped out, like,
$5 in quarters. What the hell?Copy !req
770. I thought it'd be good
to condition our brains...Copy !req
771. to view diaper-changing
as a positive experience.Copy !req
772. Brilliant.Copy !req
773. A friendship bracelet.Copy !req
774. Chicken fingers.Copy !req
775. And hot mustard sauce.Copy !req
776. Popcorn.Copy !req
777. That's not all.Copy !req
778. What the hell? I was just starting
to get comfortable with it.Copy !req
779. Yeah. I noticed.Copy !req
780. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
781. It's important to get comfortable,
but not too comfortable.Copy !req
782. So now I'm too comfortable?Copy !req
783. Look, Dean, this is not a game.Copy !req
784. We're gonna see some shit
we've never seen before.Copy !req
785. Odd combos like
popcorn and dead bird...Copy !req
786. are gonna seem
like sugar and spice.Copy !req
787. Just don't get too close.Copy !req
788. Fine.Copy !req
789. I love you too. Apology accepted.Copy !req
790. Ready to see a fully
baby-proofed apartment?Copy !req
791. It's called the Super Baby Mat.Copy !req
792. It rolls right up and stores
right under the cupboard.Copy !req
793. Hey, guys.Copy !req
794. Check out the nursery.Copy !req
795. This is really nice.Copy !req
796. What the fuck is that?Copy !req
797. That the fuck is the crib.Copy !req
798. The safest place in the house.Copy !req
799. Dean, a demonstration.Copy !req
800. Look out!Copy !req
801. See? Not a shard of glass
gets through.Copy !req
802. Been doing some diaper training,
I see.Copy !req
803. Yeah, that's Snickers.Copy !req
804. Does not smell like Snickers.Copy !req
805. No, Snickers is the name
of our neighbor's dog.Copy !req
806. Hi.Copy !req
807. I can't really talk right now.
Baby's sleeping.Copy !req
808. It can hear me talking
through my chest cavity.Copy !req
809. Really good to see you.Copy !req
810. - Third trimester.
- Third trimester.Copy !req
811. Looking good.
It's got all its fingers and toes.Copy !req
812. Should be very happy.Copy !req
813. I'll give you four a moment.Copy !req
814. Hey, you guys wanna see how that
ice cream sandwich is progressing?Copy !req
815. What is that?Copy !req
816. I got this last week.
It's one of those temporary ones.Copy !req
817. Just comes off after
a few laser sessions.Copy !req
818. I'm walking into the apartment now.Copy !req
819. I can still hear you.Copy !req
820. - Great.
- Hey, Tara.Copy !req
821. Hi from the car, Tara.Copy !req
822. The inter-apartment
communication system is a go.Copy !req
823. Roger that.
Tell her the news, good buddy.Copy !req
824. Oh, yeah. Tara, great news.Copy !req
825. The ultrasound went really well,
so we're going to a celebratory movie.Copy !req
826. And Janine has offered to look
after Dad so you can come with us.Copy !req
827. I have a book I want to finish.Copy !req
828. Are you sure? I could hold your hand
on the way to and during the movie.Copy !req
829. No. Just go.Copy !req
830. Okay. Janine, looks like you back in.
Shall we?Copy !req
831. I'm gonna use the bathroom.
I'll meet you down in the car.Copy !req
832. Okay. Bye, Tara.Copy !req
833. Bathroom's down the hall.Copy !req
834. Yeah, I know. Look, I know you think
they're just a couple of losers.Copy !req
835. That's what I thought too, but once
you know them, they're great guys.Copy !req
836. And I know they do
some weird stuff sometimes...Copy !req
837. Actually, all the time.Copy !req
838. But their heart's in the right place.
So, what do you say?Copy !req
839. Yeah.Copy !req
840. Great. You'll go to the movie.Copy !req
841. No, I meant, yeah, I think
they're just a couple of losers.Copy !req
842. Okay.Copy !req
843. Enjoy your book.Copy !req
844. This is all about encouragement
and relaxation.Copy !req
845. - Just do it with me.
- So partners, guide the mothers.Copy !req
846. Help them focus.Copy !req
847. - Faster, faster.
- Breathe together.Copy !req
848. You gotta pace it up.Copy !req
849. Don't listen to a word John says.Copy !req
850. Keep it slower.
Shoot for one breath a minute.Copy !req
851. Calm down. You heard the bitch say
to relax. Calm the fuck down!Copy !req
852. Do you have to swear, honey?Copy !req
853. - Keep it slow.
- No, you fucking it up.Copy !req
854. Guys, this is not fair to a—
This is— Guys!Copy !req
855. Cut that shit out!Copy !req
856. Very good, guys. That was great.
That's our class.Copy !req
857. I'll see you guys next week.
Thank you.Copy !req
858. Hey, class?
Look who brought their new baby.Copy !req
859. - Welcome back, guys.
- Thank you.Copy !req
860. Hey everybody. This is Tyler.Copy !req
861. - Any advice for the mothers-to-be?
- Get an epidural.Copy !req
862. Gosh.Copy !req
863. What can I say?
It's the most magical moment.Copy !req
864. It's just wonderful. I mean,
the first time you see this little guy...Copy !req
865. And it's like you're looking
at a little part of you, you know?Copy !req
866. I'm sorry.
Every time I talk about it, I get—Copy !req
867. It's just so powerful.Copy !req
868. You will see.Copy !req
869. So does anybody want to
meet this little fellow?Copy !req
870. Fuck it.
I'll meet that little motherfucker.Copy !req
871. Guess I'll meet
the motherfucker. Sure.Copy !req
872. - Should we...? Think so?
- Yeah.Copy !req
873. Honey, I'm gonna go get the car.Copy !req
874. - Surprise!
- Surprise!Copy !req
875. Ultrasound picture.Copy !req
876. Thank you.Copy !req
877. That's really sweet. Thank you.Copy !req
878. No, thank you.Copy !req
879. We are already
so attached to this baby.Copy !req
880. And it's been inside you
eight months.Copy !req
881. I can't imagine how attached
you must be at this point.Copy !req
882. And in two weeks it's gonna be
taken from your body...Copy !req
883. and immediately placed
in our arms.Copy !req
884. I can see why so many surrogates
wanna keep their babies.Copy !req
885. And your body could stop
producing eggs or something.Copy !req
886. That happens all the time.Copy !req
887. And knowing there's
even a chance...Copy !req
888. this could be your only child,
and you're giving it to us?Copy !req
889. Well, a framed picture of the
very precious thing you're giving up...Copy !req
890. is the least we could do. Thanks.Copy !req
891. You know, I could stop by every now
and then and help out. I don't mind.Copy !req
892. Oh, no, no.
You've done more than enough.Copy !req
893. - We will take it from here.
- Your work is done. Thanks.Copy !req
894. Okay.Copy !req
895. Group hug?Copy !req
896. John? What's the combination
to the fridge again?Copy !req
897. 27 left, 32 right, 25 left.Copy !req
898. You know, I was thinking maybe we
should put some locks on the locks.Copy !req
899. In case the baby learns
the combination to the original locks.Copy !req
900. Hey, look at this.Copy !req
901. It's a letter from Janine!Copy !req
902. That's nice of her.Copy !req
903. Hand-delivered.Copy !req
904. "Dear John and Dean,
I should start by saying...Copy !req
905. what great fathers
I think you're gonna be.Copy !req
906. Never thought I'd say that
and mean it." Hear that, Dad?Copy !req
907. "After seeing your hard work
and dedication...Copy !req
908. I realize how badly you want it.Copy !req
909. Unfortunately, last night you made me
realize just how badly I want it too.Copy !req
910. It kills me to write this,
but I have decided to...Copy !req
911. keep the baby.Copy !req
912. I hope one day you'll forgive me.
Janine."Copy !req
913. Oh, my God.Copy !req
914. Let's get dressed, let's get dressed.
You're right.Copy !req
915. Tara, could you watch our Dad for us?
We're going to find Janine.Copy !req
916. She's not here.
Let's go to James' house.Copy !req
917. - They're not here.
- I know!Copy !req
918. So, what do we do now?Copy !req
919. I was just watching your dad
and needed to use the bathroom.Copy !req
920. - Did you find her?
- No.Copy !req
921. But very thoughtful of you to ask.Copy !req
922. If that thoughtful attitude you displayed
was the attitude of the world...Copy !req
923. there'd be no war.Copy !req
924. I should go.Copy !req
925. Well, have a fantastic
whatever-you're-doing...Copy !req
926. and a great
whatever-you're-doing-after-that.Copy !req
927. How can you be so nonchalant
about this?Copy !req
928. Because I know that if this doesn't
work out, we have other options.Copy !req
929. We have dick.Copy !req
930. No, we do not have dick.
We have Tara. Well, I have Tara.Copy !req
931. Tara?Copy !req
932. It's about time I took this thing
with Tara to the next level.Copy !req
933. She's not into you, John.Copy !req
934. What?Copy !req
935. She's not into you.
Can't you see that?Copy !req
936. You're just jealous of what we have.Copy !req
937. Jealous of what you have?Copy !req
938. I already have what you have:
nothing.Copy !req
939. She thinks you're a loser.Copy !req
940. Oh, really? And how did you come up
with your expert analysis?Copy !req
941. From your combined total of five hours
of relationship experience?Copy !req
942. Because I heard her say it.Copy !req
943. What?Copy !req
944. I overheard Tara talking to Janine.Copy !req
945. She thinks you're a loser.Copy !req
946. I mean, she thinks
we're both losers.Copy !req
947. You know what? Maybe she's right.Copy !req
948. Maybe all that stuff that Dad
used to say was just bullshit.Copy !req
949. And we're just too big of losers
to know it.Copy !req
950. Really?Copy !req
951. So I've always been such a loser?Copy !req
952. I guess I was a huge loser...Copy !req
953. when I was voted our school's
goddamn homecoming king!Copy !req
954. - We were homeschooled.
- You're just upset because I beat you!Copy !req
955. - You tied me.
- And I won the tiebreaker.Copy !req
956. Fine, you won.
You're less of a loser than me.Copy !req
957. But you're still a loser.Copy !req
958. Well, if I'm such a loser,
maybe you'd be better off without me.Copy !req
959. Yeah. Maybe I would.Copy !req
960. Good. Because you know what?
I'll find her faster on my own anyway.Copy !req
961. Well, I certainly wouldn't wanna
slow you down.Copy !req
962. Then maybe I should
get the hell out of here.Copy !req
963. Yeah. Maybe you should.Copy !req
964. - Fine. Have a nice life.
- I will!Copy !req
965. Good, I hope you don't die!Copy !req
966. John!Copy !req
967. Dean?Copy !req
968. I am so proud of you.Copy !req
969. Thanks, Pop.Copy !req
970. Isn't he great?Copy !req
971. Dean.Copy !req
972. Keep focused on
finding Janine, on three.Copy !req
973. One. Two. Three.Copy !req
974. Keep focused on finding Janine!Copy !req
975. Oh, God.Copy !req
976. That's strange.
My shower's running.Copy !req
977. It's strange because I live alone.Copy !req
978. Can I ask what you're doing here?Copy !req
979. I saw a sign out front
that said "Room For Rent.Copy !req
980. A bull-headed brother who sometimes
sticks his foot in his mouth."Copy !req
981. Yeah, well,
I'm afraid you're too late.Copy !req
982. There's already a bull-headed brother
who sticks his foot in his mouth...Copy !req
983. renting this apartment.Copy !req
984. Oh, yeah? Who's that?Copy !req
985. You're talking to him.Copy !req
986. That's too bad.Copy !req
987. Say, do you think there's enough room
for me to crash here...Copy !req
988. while I look for a place willing
to take a bull-headed brother...Copy !req
989. who sometimes sticks
his foot in his mouth...Copy !req
990. who's really, really sorry?Copy !req
991. I don't know.Copy !req
992. Two bull-headed brothers who
stick their feet in their mouth...Copy !req
993. in one small apartment?Copy !req
994. That doesn't sound like
it would work out.Copy !req
995. Yeah.Copy !req
996. How long are we talking?Copy !req
997. Not very long.Copy !req
998. Only the rest of my life.Copy !req
999. How much you willing to pay?Copy !req
1000. Just all the money in the world.Copy !req
1001. Come here!Copy !req
1002. - God, I've missed you.
- I missed you too.Copy !req
1003. Hey, could I get you to
throw on a towel or something?Copy !req
1004. - You got it.
- Great.Copy !req
1005. - How's that?
- Great. Thank you.Copy !req
1006. Take a look in that mirror.Copy !req
1007. There's not a man on this earth
I'd rather have a baby with.Copy !req
1008. Hands in.Copy !req
1009. Towel off, get dressed and come up
with a plan to find Janine, on three.Copy !req
1010. One. Two. Three.Copy !req
1011. Towel off, get dressed and
come up with a plan to find Janine!Copy !req
1012. Wait, hold up.
We gotta get Tara to watch Dad.Copy !req
1013. Oh, yeah. Look, I'll do it.Copy !req
1014. No, no.
This is something I have to do.Copy !req
1015. Yeah.Copy !req
1016. Hey, Tara.
Can you watch our dad for us?Copy !req
1017. Yeah. Yeah, I can.Copy !req
1018. Great, thanks.Copy !req
1019. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1020. - That's it?
- Yeah, why?Copy !req
1021. You're not gonna ask me to dinner
or anything?Copy !req
1022. Dinner. Does sound good.Copy !req
1023. But no.Copy !req
1024. And also, I'm over you.Copy !req
1025. Burn! Facial! Suck it!Copy !req
1026. All right, let's game plan.Copy !req
1027. Between the two of us, we've already
searched every place she would be.Copy !req
1028. She could be anywhere.Copy !req
1029. I wish there was some way
to communicate with her...Copy !req
1030. and say what we wanted to say
in a way which didn't threaten her.Copy !req
1031. Fortune cookies?Copy !req
1032. - Interesting idea, but...
- Flyers?Copy !req
1033. You're on the right track,
but I don't think we've hit it yet.Copy !req
1034. - Oh, my God.
- Let's go.Copy !req
1035. What a great and delicious idea.Copy !req
1036. Your engine cannot run on optimum
capability if there's no gas in the tank.Copy !req
1037. All right. We gotta get our message
through to Janine, but how?Copy !req
1038. Yeah.Copy !req
1039. - Oh, my God.
- I got it.Copy !req
1040. It was right in front of our face.Copy !req
1041. I got there a fraction of a second
after you did. It is so obvious.Copy !req
1042. Let's go.Copy !req
1043. - Where you going?
- The apple orchard is this way.Copy !req
1044. What does that
have to do with anything?Copy !req
1045. - What were you thinking?
- I'll tell you on the way. Let's go.Copy !req
1046. I can't believe they charged us
50 bucks a letter.Copy !req
1047. That's why we kept it short.Copy !req
1048. So, what do we do now?Copy !req
1049. We wait.Copy !req
1050. Oh, my God. I think I see it.Copy !req
1051. "Hi, my name is John."Copy !req
1052. "And I'm his brother Dean."Copy !req
1053. "Hi.Copy !req
1054. We've got a little situation here,
and, boy, could we use your help."Copy !req
1055. "How can you help?Copy !req
1056. Well, sit back and relax,
we're about to tell you.Copy !req
1057. You can start by grabbing
a pen and paper...Copy !req
1058. to write down some information."Copy !req
1059. "We'll give you a moment
to grab that paper and pen."Copy !req
1060. "We are sorry if we didn't
give you enough time...Copy !req
1061. to get the necessary writing
implements...Copy !req
1062. but we are under
serious space constraints...Copy !req
1063. with this sky banner."Copy !req
1064. "We are looking for a woman
named Janine Rice.Copy !req
1065. She is five-foot-eight,
blondish hair, blue eyes."Copy !req
1066. "Oh, that really narrows it down."Copy !req
1067. "Fine, Dean, then how
would you describe her?"Copy !req
1068. "Well, she just looks like a normal,
pretty American girl."Copy !req
1069. "Oh, that's much better."Copy !req
1070. "Janine is eight and a half months
pregnant with our baby.Copy !req
1071. Well, fine, Dean's.Copy !req
1072. I have a problem
with sperm motility...Copy !req
1073. a subject Dean likes
to rub in my face."Copy !req
1074. "Okay, let me get in here
for a second.Copy !req
1075. You make one little joke
about a guy's infertility...Copy !req
1076. and suddenly you deserve
to be labeled a jerk—"Copy !req
1077. "On a sky banner that could
potentially be seen...Copy !req
1078. by 50,000 people?Copy !req
1079. That's fucking bullshit."Copy !req
1080. "Dean, none of that matters
right now.Copy !req
1081. What matters most is that Janine sees
this sign, especially this next part."Copy !req
1082. "So for those of you reading this...Copy !req
1083. we need to ask you
for just one more favor."Copy !req
1084. "Just in case Janine has
her back turned or something...Copy !req
1085. and can't read the sign—"Copy !req
1086. "It would really be a big help
if we could get you to yell out:"Copy !req
1087. "'Janine, look in the sky.'"Copy !req
1088. - "'Janine, look in the sky.'"
- "'Janine, look in the sky!'"Copy !req
1089. Janine, look in the sky!Copy !req
1090. Janine, look in the sky!Copy !req
1091. Janine, look in the sky!Copy !req
1092. Think this maybe might work?Copy !req
1093. I think this definitely
maybe might work.Copy !req
1094. Janine, look in the sky!Copy !req
1095. Janine, look in the sky!Copy !req
1096. Baby.Copy !req
1097. I think you need to
take a look at this.Copy !req
1098. "Janine, hopefully you're
reading this right now.Copy !req
1099. There's so much
we need to tell you.Copy !req
1100. We never meant to come
between you and the baby."Copy !req
1101. "So we want you to keep the baby,
but we want you to keep us too.Copy !req
1102. Maybe if we had told you that in
the first place, you'd never have left.Copy !req
1103. Hopefully we're not too late."Copy !req
1104. "Oh, my God.
John, are you crying?"Copy !req
1105. "No, I have something in my eye."Copy !req
1106. "Anyways, please,
if you have any information...Copy !req
1107. we are offering a reward of
500 doll hairs.Copy !req
1108. Just kidding, dollars."Copy !req
1109. - "Nice."
- "Thank you."Copy !req
1110. What the hell? They cut off our—Copy !req
1111. Wait. Look!Copy !req
1112. You have one new message.
Message sent today at 1443.Copy !req
1113. Hey, my name's Matt
and I'm calling about the sky banner.Copy !req
1114. I wanna propose to my girlfriend...Copy !req
1115. and I need the phone number
of the banner place.Copy !req
1116. I'm at 555-0183.Copy !req
1117. Oh, hey, Tara, we're home.Copy !req
1118. She loves that bathroom.Copy !req
1119. Well, we did our best.Copy !req
1120. Yup.Copy !req
1121. And Dad knows that.Copy !req
1122. We got nothing to be ashamed of.Copy !req
1123. Hands in.Copy !req
1124. What should we do on this one?Copy !req
1125. I'm really kind of stumped, like...Copy !req
1126. I gotta be honest, I don't know
if I have anything left in me.Copy !req
1127. How about
"Janine's right behind us," on three?Copy !req
1128. - Oh, my God.
- Janine?Copy !req
1129. I had to use your bathroom.
I hope you don't mind.Copy !req
1130. After all, I'm peeing for five now.Copy !req
1131. That is, if the offer still stands.Copy !req
1132. Oh, my God. Do you mean it?Copy !req
1133. Janine!Copy !req
1134. Sorry.Copy !req
1135. So you saw our sky banner?Copy !req
1136. Actually, James did.Copy !req
1137. Hey, guys.Copy !req
1138. James!Copy !req
1139. All right. Yeah, all right, settle down.
Relax. Everybody back the fuck up.Copy !req
1140. I have a little something I've been
saving for a special occasion.Copy !req
1141. This is the perfect time to open it.
It doesn't get more special than this.Copy !req
1142. Hey there, little one. How are you?
We missed you so much.Copy !req
1143. Oh, here it is.Copy !req
1144. Oh, my God. My water just broke.Copy !req
1145. We gotta go. We gotta go, honey.
Come on! Let's go!Copy !req
1146. - We're having a baby!
- Quit blowing that!Copy !req
1147. We're having a baby!
Dean, we're having a baby!Copy !req
1148. Wait, wait! How are we gonna
get Dad to the hospital?Copy !req
1149. I'm on it.Copy !req
1150. 911? Hurry, send an ambulance!
My father's dying!Copy !req
1151. We're having a baby!Copy !req
1152. - Hold it in!
- Keep it in there!Copy !req
1153. Suck it up there! Come on!
That's great! Don't breathe!Copy !req
1154. Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.Copy !req
1155. That's it.Copy !req
1156. Where's the fucking doctor?Copy !req
1157. - She's ready, get the doctor.
- Hurry, she's having a baby!Copy !req
1158. - Here you go, sweetheart.
- How dilated is she?Copy !req
1159. Where's the doctor?
It's getting hot in here.Copy !req
1160. Oh, Jesus.
My bad, my bad, my bad.Copy !req
1161. Surprise!Copy !req
1162. - Look who's here!
- What the fuck?Copy !req
1163. Just trying to give Dad
a view of the birth.Copy !req
1164. There's too much blanket.Copy !req
1165. That's the sweet spot.Copy !req
1166. Okay. Let's do this thing.Copy !req
1167. Okay. Okay.
It's all right. It's all right.Copy !req
1168. Push.Copy !req
1169. Breathe.Copy !req
1170. - Push!
- It's crowning.Copy !req
1171. Push, Janine. Push, Janine.Copy !req
1172. One more push. One more.Copy !req
1173. That's good. That's good, baby.
That's good.Copy !req
1174. It's coming out!Copy !req
1175. Come on.Copy !req
1176. That's it.Copy !req
1177. The head is out. The head is out.Copy !req
1178. I see the head!Copy !req
1179. That's good, baby. It's all right.Copy !req
1180. One more big push, Janine. Come on.
One more big push.Copy !req
1181. That's it. Push hard. Push hard.
Look up.Copy !req
1182. There it is. Very good, Janine.Copy !req
1183. Congratulations, it's a boy.Copy !req
1184. You had a baby!Copy !req
1185. It's a baby! It came out of there!
We saw it! We saw it come out—Copy !req
1186. Now, that is one beautiful baby.Copy !req
1187. Can we show the baby to Dad?Copy !req
1188. Dad, I'd like to introduce you
to your new grandson.Copy !req
1189. Dad, he's got your eyes.Copy !req
1190. Okay, let's get a picture
of the happy family.Copy !req
1191. One, two, three.Copy !req
1192. And remember, put the bungee cord
around your wrist...Copy !req
1193. so when the baby does
a roof fall, no harm done.Copy !req
1194. All right.Copy !req
1195. But never leave the child
alone with the cord.Copy !req
1196. Where do I start? Hanging hazard,
potential tripping danger...Copy !req
1197. - ... autoerotic-asphyxiation risk...
- What?Copy !req
1198. Kids are starting really early
these days with that.Copy !req
1199. Listen, you might wanna change
that cord a couple times a year.Copy !req
1200. Otherwise, the elasticity goes to shit,
and that's your baby's ass, partner.Copy !req
1201. - Thanks, James.
- Thank you for your business.Copy !req
1202. Thank you. They said there were three
number one causes of child death.Copy !req
1203. What was the third one again?Copy !req
1204. Jesus!Copy !req
1205. It's okay, he's fine. He's in a coma.Copy !req
1206. I hope he lives.Copy !req
1207. Hope your baby doesn't die.Copy !req
1208. - Guard your baby with your life.
- Don't fuck up.Copy !req
1209. - Thanks again.
- Sure.Copy !req
1210. Safety first, right?Copy !req
1211. I love you.Copy !req
1212. Who's that over there?Copy !req
1213. Who's this? That's grandpa.
Can you say "grandpa"?Copy !req
1214. He's not gonna be able to talk—Copy !req
1215. Grandpa?Copy !req
1216. - No way!
- Holy fuck!Copy !req
1217. Dean. Don't swear.Copy !req
1218. Well, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1219. You never know how you'll react
when your baby says his first words.Copy !req
1220. Well, be careful.Copy !req
1221. Babies are like little sponges.Copy !req
1222. Sorry.Copy !req
1223. Fuck.Copy !req
1224. Didn't I tell you this motherfucker
was like a sponge?Copy !req
1225. - No, no, no. That's a bad word.
- Bad word.Copy !req
1226. No, no, that's okay.
Say the other word.Copy !req
1227. Say the other word.
Say the other word.Copy !req
1228. - The other word will make you happy.
- Say "grandpa." Say "grandpa."Copy !req
1229. Grandpa?Copy !req
1230. Good boy.Copy !req
1231. Grandson.Copy !req
1232. Grandson?Copy !req
1233. - Dad?
- Dad?Copy !req
1234. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1235. Look. It's your grandson.Copy !req
1236. Holy shit.Copy !req
1237. Holy shit is right, Dad.Copy !req
1238. We used every lesson you ever
taught us to help get him for you.Copy !req
1239. He's a Solomon.
We even named him after you.Copy !req
1240. I'm so proud of you boys.Copy !req
1241. You did good.Copy !req
1242. Hands in.Copy !req
1243. "Solomon family," on three.Copy !req
1244. One, two, three. Solomon family!Copy !req
1245. Let's do this.Copy !req
1246. Head came off.Copy !req
1247. Okay, that wasn't good enough.Copy !req
1248. But the baby's still here.
What if it brought a friend?Copy !req
1249. Let's do this!Copy !req
1250. Action.Copy !req
1251. It's nice to meet you, sir.Copy !req
1252. Tell all your friends to come on over.
It's the blue car. It's the fun car.Copy !req
1253. We'll be right here. Rain or shine.Copy !req
1254. Luckily, we're both wearing
rain coats.Copy !req
1255. Baby scramble.Copy !req
1256. Line it up!Copy !req
1257. So I guess herpes and gonorrhea
and AIDS aren't a problem for you.Copy !req
1258. That was not your five.Copy !req
1259. When my brother has a five
hanging in the wind...Copy !req
1260. I don't leave it there.Copy !req
1261. Thank you.Copy !req
1262. He's not handicapped.Copy !req
1263. Handi-capable.Copy !req
1264. No, he's...Copy !req
1265. - Disabled?
- No.Copy !req
1266. - He's—
- Not fully cooked.Copy !req
1267. He's clowning for the camera.Copy !req
1268. God's special little clown.Copy !req
1269. Get out.Copy !req
1270. - Now?
- Now!Copy !req
1271. I told you.Copy !req
1272. - Does he want us to go?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1273. They're not making any noise.Copy !req
1274. What?Copy !req
1275. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1276. Cut.Copy !req