1. Agador, where is Starina?
She goes on in five minutes.Copy !req
2. Armand.Copy !req
3. The Kennedys are here for supper.
Do we pick up their tab?Copy !req
4. - Ted?
- No. Just the younger ones.Copy !req
5. Wish we could get Ted.
Give them free coffee.Copy !req
6. Leave room for coffee.Copy !req
7. Where's Starina?Copy !req
8. Agador said she'd be down in five.Copy !req
9. Okay, let's go.Copy !req
10. You look great.Copy !req
11. Starina won't go on.
She's a-still in her robe.Copy !req
12. Damn!Copy !req
13. I don't know what happened.Copy !req
14. Go upstairs. Try to get her ready.
I'll be right up. Go!Copy !req
15. She won't.Copy !req
16. Merde! Have Carmen get ready to do
Starina's number, just in case.Copy !req
17. Honey, please.
You got to get dressed for me.Copy !req
18. No, Agador.Copy !req
19. Victoria Page will not dance
the Dance of the Red Shoes tonight.Copy !req
20. Or any other night.Copy !req
21. How 'bout just your stockings, okay?Copy !req
22. Victoria Page is dead.Copy !req
23. But watch how nice
I'm gonna put it for you.Copy !req
24. You know how she died?Copy !req
25. Alone... weeping for her lover.Copy !req
26. Darling, have you eaten?
You look haggard.Copy !req
27. Please! You gotta help me a little.Copy !req
28. - What is this?
- Supplements.Copy !req
29. I bought them for Armand, but...Copy !req
30. that's all over now.Copy !req
31. Okay.Copy !req
32. Albert!Copy !req
33. Agh!Copy !req
34. Where are you? Albert, come on!Copy !req
35. - Open up, Albert, baby.
- Get out!Copy !req
36. - Open it, Albert!
- Go away!Copy !req
37. I don't want him to see me.
I'm hideous!Copy !req
38. Fuck!Copy !req
39. - I'm calling 911!
- Agador, abre la puerta!Copy !req
40. - Open the door!
- I'm trying, but he's so crazy.Copy !req
41. Albert!Copy !req
42. Are you trying to ruin me?Copy !req
43. Don't look at me. I'm hideous!Copy !req
44. Hideous! Fat and hideous!Copy !req
45. Agador, I'm in such pain.Copy !req
46. I know, honey. It's gonna pass.Copy !req
47. No! It will never pass. I hate my life.Copy !req
48. Are you crazy?
It's packed out there!Copy !req
49. That's all I am to you - a meal ticket.Copy !req
50. - I can't stand this.
- Forget about my feelings.Copy !req
51. Forget about my suffering.
It's just about your show.Copy !req
52. Not even our show. Your show.Copy !req
53. I want a palimony agreement, now.Copy !req
54. I don't have one on me.
Is tomorrow okay?Copy !req
55. - Don't use that tone to me.
- What tone?Copy !req
56. That sarcastic tone that implies you
know everything because you're a man,Copy !req
57. and I know nothing
because I'm a woman.Copy !req
58. - You're not a woman.
- Oh, you bastard!Copy !req
59. Everybody, take it easy.Copy !req
60. Whatever I am, he made me.Copy !req
61. I was adorable once,
young and full of hope.Copy !req
62. Now, look at me.
I'm this short,Copy !req
63. fat, insecure,
middle-aged thing!Copy !req
64. I made you short?Copy !req
65. What do I do?
The number is nearly over.Copy !req
66. Do I send Carmen on for Starina?Copy !req
67. We have no choice. Yes.Copy !req
68. Not Carmen! How dare you?Copy !req
69. - Do it!
- No! No!Copy !req
70. - Cyril, go.
- Please.Copy !req
71. I will go on. The people
have come to see Starina.Copy !req
72. Starina will not disappoint them,
even in this state.Copy !req
73. Put on the mambo number. Have Beatrice
and Dante get the staircase ready.Copy !req
74. - My hands are shaking.
- That's okay.Copy !req
75. Agador, I need some Pirin tablets.Copy !req
76. - What are you taking?
- Nothing.Copy !req
77. Just one, okay?
One before the show,Copy !req
78. and one after.
No more, so don't ask.Copy !req
79. Thank you, my darling Agador.Copy !req
80. I'm gonna put
this here for you.Copy !req
81. Breathe.
Ignore the bad things.Copy !req
82. This room is so crowded. Can I have
a moment to myself to prepare?Copy !req
83. Let's leave her.
Come on.Copy !req
84. Why are you giving him drugs?
What the hell are Pirin tablets?Copy !req
85. Aspirin, with the "A" and "S"
scraped off.Copy !req
86. - What a brilliant idea.
- I know.Copy !req
87. I don't believe it!
You're shaving your chest now?Copy !req
88. I didn't have time to wax.Copy !req
89. Indifference is the most
awful thing in the world.Copy !req
90. I've done everything I could
to make myself attractive for you.Copy !req
91. I've lost and gained over
a hundred pounds in the last year.Copy !req
92. I've yo-yoed from a 16
to a 10 to a 16, and...Copy !req
93. you've never said a word.Copy !req
94. Not one hint of encouragement,
not one scrap of validation.Copy !req
95. If not for the Pirin tablets,
I couldn't go on.Copy !req
96. If you don't finish making up,
I'll kill myself.Copy !req
97. You don't love me anymore.Copy !req
98. Oh, shit.Copy !req
99. - There's a man in your life.
- What?Copy !req
100. I sense it.Copy !req
101. And I saw a bottle of white wine,Copy !req
102. chilling in the refrigerator.Copy !req
103. I only drink red.Copy !req
104. And so do you.Copy !req
105. There's no man.Copy !req
106. I'm switching to white
because red has tannins.Copy !req
107. Now there are 150 people out there,
half of them Kennedys, waiting for you.Copy !req
108. Waiting to applaud you.
To applaud the great Starina.Copy !req
109. Tannins?Copy !req
110. - What do you do while I'm on stage?
- Nothing. I lie here.Copy !req
111. Where do you go while I'm killing myself
on stage? I know that look.Copy !req
112. Go ahead, hit me. Go on.Copy !req
113. That's what you want to do.
Do it. Hit me.Copy !req
114. Go on, hit me.Copy !req
115. Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,Copy !req
116. the incomparable Starina.Copy !req
117. Thank you
and welcome to The Birdcage.Copy !req
118. As you see, I've just gotten back
from safari. I picked up a new muff.Copy !req
119. Look, it comes with accessories.Copy !req
120. Don't look at me like that.
I didn't kill him.Copy !req
121. He died and left me everything.Copy !req
122. Oh, where are the couple
celebrating their anniversary?Copy !req
123. Mon congrats, you sweeties.Copy !req
124. I may have something
to celebrate myself very soon.Copy !req
125. I think I have found the one.Copy !req
126. Yes.Copy !req
127. You know I hate to brag, but...Copy !req
128. Excuse me.Copy !req
129. Hello. What do you think?Copy !req
130. You look like Lucy's stunt double.Copy !req
131. I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky.Copy !req
132. And it's terrifying.
Get out the white wine,Copy !req
133. chill two glasses
and take the night off.Copy !req
134. Why you talk to me
like I'm your servant?Copy !req
135. Because you're
our faithful houseman.Copy !req
136. My father was the shaman of his tribe,Copy !req
137. my mother was the high priestess.Copy !req
138. Then why did they move to New Jersey?Copy !req
139. I don't know. They so stupid.
They want me to have a career.Copy !req
140. Hello? A career? When you gonna
let me audition for you again?Copy !req
141. When you have talent.Copy !req
142. Now take off the wig
or I'll tell Albert you wore it.Copy !req
143. You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're
seeing someone while he's on stage.Copy !req
144. I have two words for you: Green Card.Copy !req
145. Now go! And leave
the front door unlocked.Copy !req
146. You're such a beast to everybody.Copy !req
147. Come on, Gloria.Copy !req
148. Hey.Copy !req
149. You keep getting better looking.Copy !req
150. Thank you. So do you.Copy !req
151. Oh, no. Really?Copy !req
152. I feel bloated.Copy !req
153. - You think I look good?
- You look great.Copy !req
154. That's very sweet.Copy !req
155. I'm glad you cut your hair.Copy !req
156. - Did you eat?
- Yes.Copy !req
157. Something to drink?Copy !req
158. - Beer, if you have it.
- I do not. Talk about bloat.Copy !req
159. White wine.Copy !req
160. Swell.Copy !req
161. - How long has Albert been on?
- He just went on.Copy !req
162. I gave Agador the night off.Copy !req
163. So we're all alone.Copy !req
164. As requested.Copy !req
165. Since when do you like beer?Copy !req
166. So, I have something to tell you.Copy !req
167. But I don't want you
to get how you get.Copy !req
168. Oh, God.Copy !req
169. I'm getting married.Copy !req
170. I didn't want to tell you
over the phone.Copy !req
171. It's a girl.
I met her at school.Copy !req
172. It's this wonderful...
Are you upset?Copy !req
173. Let me tell you why.Copy !req
174. First, you're only 20.Copy !req
175. Pop, I know I'm young.Copy !req
176. But... you've always said I was
a very level-headed guy. And I am.Copy !req
177. I have job offers, I know what I want.
And I have an incredible role model.Copy !req
178. - Oh, please.
- It's true.Copy !req
179. I'm the only guy in my fraternity
who isn't from a broken home.Copy !req
180. Stop flattering me. It's cheap.Copy !req
181. Is it all right, Dad?Copy !req
182. Does it matter?Copy !req
183. Of course it does.Copy !req
184. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives
and starts screaming.Copy !req
185. I can't. And I won't.Copy !req
186. This is too crazy.Copy !req
187. You do this, you're on your own.
Got that, sport?Copy !req
188. Don't come back,
don't ask me for anything.Copy !req
189. - I want nothing to do with it.
- Okay.Copy !req
190. - If that's how you feel.
- I do.Copy !req
191. - Fine. Goodbye, Pop.
- Goodbye, son.Copy !req
192. - You called my bluff.
- It was good.Copy !req
193. - Really?
- Not bad.Copy !req
194. I got backed off on a little bit.Copy !req
195. Tell me it's all right.Copy !req
196. It's all right. I always dreamed you
would. Just not so soon.Copy !req
197. Come on. Drop your bags,
stay a while.Copy !req
198. Let's drink a toast to this catastrophe.Copy !req
199. I'm kidding.Copy !req
200. It's all right.Copy !req
201. What's the young lady's name?Copy !req
202. Barbara.Copy !req
203. Are you crazy? Forget it.Copy !req
204. Married? You're not even 18!Copy !req
205. Who is this boy, Barbie?
When did you last see him?Copy !req
206. Don't call me Barbie. Today at two.
We've been sleeping together for a year.Copy !req
207. Oh, God! Has he been tested?Copy !req
208. - Oh, Kevin!
- Yes, and so have I.Copy !req
209. This has to wait until after the
election.Copy !req
210. Where does the young man come from,
Barbie... ra? Who is his father?Copy !req
211. His father is in the arts.
He's on the Council of Cultural Arts.Copy !req
212. Did they fund the Mapplethorpe exhibit?Copy !req
213. No! Goodness, no.
He's a cultural attaché to Greece.Copy !req
214. Really?Copy !req
215. What the hell is that?Copy !req
216. That's kind of a diplomatic post.
It's a sort of an ambassador.Copy !req
217. What does the mother do?Copy !req
218. She's a housewife.Copy !req
219. That's so refreshing,
isn't it, Kevin?Copy !req
220. I can't talk about this now.Copy !req
221. - Hello.
- You all right?Copy !req
222. Yes. I just told them.Copy !req
223. Me, too. And my father isCopy !req
224. very excited. He's raising his glass
to toast us right now.Copy !req
225. I'm going to put him on.
Yes. Take it.Copy !req
226. - You said his parents were in Greece.
- Dad, get off the phone!Copy !req
227. Take it.Copy !req
228. Hello, Barbara.Copy !req
229. Here's to your future.Copy !req
230. Shit! No, dear,
that was not my toast.Copy !req
231. I broke my glass. I'm sorry.Copy !req
232. That's okay.Copy !req
233. It was nice talking to you.
We'll talk again soon.Copy !req
234. How dare you eavesdrop?Copy !req
235. - You said his parents were in Greece.
- They are.Copy !req
236. You saw this boy at two o'clock today
and now he's in Greece with his parents?Copy !req
237. No.Copy !req
238. Greece?Copy !req
239. They're back for the winter.Copy !req
240. They're at their home in South Beach.Copy !req
241. Is that like Palm Beach?Copy !req
242. It's close. It's about two minutes
from where Jeb Bush lives.Copy !req
243. Really?Copy !req
244. Ah-ha!Copy !req
245. - Wait.
- Who is he?Copy !req
246. Who? Where's your little chippie?Copy !req
247. Will you stop screaming? It's Val.Copy !req
248. Val?Copy !req
249. He's asleep in his room
if you don't believe me.Copy !req
250. Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
251. Surprise.Copy !req
252. - Mornin', Albert.
- Good morning!Copy !req
253. What beautiful flowers!Copy !req
254. - Morning, Albert.
- Good morning.Copy !req
255. We have nice, fresh lobster
this morning, Albert.Copy !req
256. No, thank you, Mr. Lopez.
Not today. The piglet is home.Copy !req
257. You want the cake delivered?Copy !req
258. Yes, please. And remember to write
"To my Piglet, from his Auntie" on it.Copy !req
259. You got it.Copy !req
260. Thank you, Mr. Boynton.
I want to get back before he wakes up.Copy !req
261. I'll just try this sample.Copy !req
262. Chocolate schnecken.Copy !req
263. A triumph. Well, bye-bye.Copy !req
264. Perhaps one more schnecken. Do you
mind? When the schnecken beckons...Copy !req
265. - Good morning.
- Not yet.Copy !req
266. What is this, sludge?Copy !req
267. Yes. I thought it would make
a nice change from coffee.Copy !req
268. Why don't you tell me
Val was coming, you bad man?Copy !req
269. I would not have been
so sassy to you.Copy !req
270. Will you put some clothes on?Copy !req
271. Why don't you let me
be in the show?Copy !req
272. Are you afraid
of my Guatemalanness?Copy !req
273. Your what?Copy !req
274. My Guatemalanness.
My natural heat.Copy !req
275. You're afraid I'm too primitiveCopy !req
276. to perform with your
little estrogen Rockettes.Copy !req
277. You're right.
I'm afraid of your heat.Copy !req
278. Here I am.Copy !req
279. The bag lady.
Good morning, Agador.Copy !req
280. Wash those, will you?
They're delivering the rest around noon.Copy !req
281. Good morning.Copy !req
282. My God, that beard!Copy !req
283. - Here you go.
- Thank you, dear.Copy !req
284. Turkish coffee. Delicious.Copy !req
285. See?Copy !req
286. - Is Val still asleep?
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
287. He must be exhausted, poor baby.
You should have told me he was coming.Copy !req
288. I'm so ashamed of how I acted.
But how could I know?Copy !req
289. The truth is, you hate sharing your son
with me. You're always pushing me away.Copy !req
290. Oh, will you look at this shirt?
It's a rag!Copy !req
291. No matter how many shirts I send him,
he only wears this one.Copy !req
292. You look awful. What's wrong?Copy !req
293. Val's getting married.Copy !req
294. Don't be silly.
I got pork roast for dinner.Copy !req
295. I wanted to get fillet mignons,
but they're so expensive.Copy !req
296. What do you mean, married?Copy !req
297. You know what I mean.Copy !req
298. - I don't understand.
- Yes, you do.Copy !req
299. To some girl he met at school.Copy !req
300. Oh, no! Oh, but...Copy !req
301. He's just a baby.
He'll ruin his life!Copy !req
302. We've been all through that, okay?Copy !req
303. He's getting married, no matter
what we say. The less said, the better.Copy !req
304. Oh, my God.Copy !req
305. I woke up feeling so good.Copy !req
306. Now, all of a sudden, I feel...Copy !req
307. so funny.Copy !req
308. Just breathe. Let it go.Copy !req
309. Oh, you've heard.Copy !req
310. Oh, Vallie! Oh, my God,
this is such a shock.Copy !req
311. I'm not saying anything.
I promised your father.Copy !req
312. But at 20, if you throw yourself away
on some dormitory slut,Copy !req
313. you'll be sorry the rest of your life.
There! Enough said. Subject closed.Copy !req
314. Hey, hey!Copy !req
315. Well, don't just stand there.
Give me a kiss!Copy !req
316. Or are you too grown-up
for that now?Copy !req
317. Hello, Albie.Copy !req
318. Oh, Armand, our baby is going to leave
us. And we won't have any others.Copy !req
319. Not without a miracle.Copy !req
320. When Senator Keeley and I founded
the Coalition for Moral Order,Copy !req
321. it was to express moral,
rather than political, views.Copy !req
322. What Senator Jackson
is trying to say is thatCopy !req
323. morality is political.Copy !req
324. Abortion, same-sex marriage...Copy !req
325. It's a wonderful show.Copy !req
326. The most intelligent one
on television.Copy !req
327. Pornography would not existCopy !req
328. if politicians didn't
make laws to protect them.Copy !req
329. That's why both houses
are now Republican.Copy !req
330. It's the perfect platform.Copy !req
331. I'm glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon
instead of Dole. Dole is just too...Copy !req
332. Dark.Copy !req
333. I was going to say liberal,
but he's dark, too.Copy !req
334. I gotta fire this woman.Copy !req
335. This young man Barbie wants to marry...Copy !req
336. Miss Porter, page two,Copy !req
337. paragraph two,
it's "porno," not "pronto."Copy !req
338. I wonder if he's old money.
I mean, a cultural attaché.Copy !req
339. Your campaign manager is calling.
He says he's got to talk to you.Copy !req
340. Thank you, Bridget.Copy !req
341. Hello, Ben.Copy !req
342. Ready for what?Copy !req
343. What?Copy !req
344. What's wrong, Kevin?Copy !req
345. Jackson's dead.Copy !req
346. Oh, my God.Copy !req
347. He died in bed? Whose bed?Copy !req
348. A prostitute?Copy !req
349. A minor? And black?Copy !req
350. I don't believe this. I don't
fucking believe this! I'm ruined!Copy !req
351. You cannot be held responsible
for Senator Jackson's private life.Copy !req
352. I'm the Vice President
of the Coalition for Moral Order.Copy !req
353. My co-founder just died in the bed
of an underage black whore!Copy !req
354. Wait until the media finds out!Copy !req
355. Bridget!Copy !req
356. I could really use some candy!Copy !req
357. You want one of these?Copy !req
358. Oh, this.Copy !req
359. My baby.Copy !req
360. Albert, you're driving me crazy.Copy !req
361. I know, but...Copy !req
362. Penmanship award.Copy !req
363. There's the bar mitzvah.Copy !req
364. Time passes so quickly.Copy !req
365. Well, he looked kind of funny,
but he was smiling, so I didn't worry.Copy !req
366. How do they get them on so quickly?Copy !req
367. They pay.Copy !req
368. They're not mentioning you much.Copy !req
369. It's early.Copy !req
370. Senator Jackson's last
words tonight on Inside Edition.Copy !req
371. Can you get a good shot of the house?Copy !req
372. We may not make the live shot.
If we must, I'll do a stand-up.Copy !req
373. "He looked kind of funny..."Copy !req
374. "... but he was smiling,
so I didn't worry."Copy !req
375. Yeah, we got a good spot. I don't know
if he's going to... Excuse me.Copy !req
376. Why don't you set up there? Figure
you'll get part of the house and me...Copy !req
377. I don't know if he'll come out.Copy !req
378. Where's Dad?Copy !req
379. He snuck out to meet with his advisors.
They wouldn't come here.Copy !req
380. I shouldn't have let him go.
How will he get back in?Copy !req
381. Mom?Copy !req
382. Mom, I have something to tell you
about Val's parents.Copy !req
383. They can't blame us for this.Copy !req
384. Eli Jackson was a common redneck.
We never saw him socially.Copy !req
385. They can understand that, can't they?
Thank goodness they're not snobs.Copy !req
386. Oh!Copy !req
387. What are you doing here?Copy !req
388. I came through the orchard,
over the barn.Copy !req
389. You could have fallen.Copy !req
390. I did! I'm a wreck. This thing
is all anyone can talk about.Copy !req
391. Kevin? There may be a solution.Copy !req
392. What, death?
It didn't work for Jackson.Copy !req
393. What about a wedding?
A big, white wedding.Copy !req
394. What wedding?
Who's getting married?Copy !req
395. No, no!Copy !req
396. Why not?
It would restore your image.Copy !req
397. A wedding is hope. And a white wedding
is family and morality and tradition.Copy !req
398. And it would be such a special marriage.Copy !req
399. The son of a cultural attaché,
a sort of a diplomat, really,Copy !req
400. who doesn't look down on us
because of Senator Jackson,Copy !req
401. willingly joining our family. It'd mean
the cover of People, Time and Newsweek.Copy !req
402. Love and optimism
versus cynicism and sex!Copy !req
403. It would be an affirmation! We could get
the Pope's blessing. It's not hard.Copy !req
404. No, he's too controversial.
What about Billy Graham?Copy !req
405. No, he's too liberal.Copy !req
406. Where's the candy?Copy !req
407. You've had enough candy.Copy !req
408. This boy - what's his father's name?Copy !req
409. Armand... Coleman.Copy !req
410. I wonder if they're
related to Tish and Bobo Coleman.Copy !req
411. - Are they from Boston?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
412. I think we should go to South Beach.
We should have dinner...Copy !req
413. We'll have dinner with them
and stay with the Bushes.Copy !req
414. Mr. And Mrs. Armand Coleman
of Greece and South Beach.Copy !req
415. Fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust.Copy !req
416. I saw that.Copy !req
417. Well, this is impossible.
Either I'm an artistCopy !req
418. or I'm just some cheap drag queen
trying to get laughs.Copy !req
419. Let's just get through it.Copy !req
420. I have to understand
every nuance of a song.Copy !req
421. I have to give my all. Everyone else can
just "get through it." He's chewing gum.Copy !req
422. Chewing gum helps me think.Copy !req
423. Sweetie, you're wasting your gum.Copy !req
424. Let's keep going.
And no more talking - from anyone.Copy !req
425. - I need to talk to you.
- Sit.Copy !req
426. - It's important.
- Quiet. He's rehearsing.Copy !req
427. What is it?Copy !req
428. - Can you come upstairs with me?
- No. Not right now.Copy !req
429. Did you see what he just did?
Hello, Vallie, darling.Copy !req
430. - What did he do?
- He blew a bubble.Copy !req
431. He can't do that while I'm singing!Copy !req
432. Celsius, look, this may be
a drag show,Copy !req
433. but it still has be a good drag show.
If possible, a great one.Copy !req
434. Just because you're 22 and hung...Copy !req
435. I'll do this, Albert.Copy !req
436. - You're the director.
- Thank you.Copy !req
437. This is a complex number,
full of mythic themes.Copy !req
438. The woman who is singing
invented you.Copy !req
439. You are her fantasy. Suddenly,Copy !req
440. you, the fantasy, see her, your
inventor, and she becomes your fantasy.Copy !req
441. - I don't get it.
- Try more gum.Copy !req
442. - Albert.
- I hear you.Copy !req
443. Thank you. I know you do.Copy !req
444. Celsius,
let's start with the premiseCopy !req
445. that when you see this stunning,
smoldering creature,Copy !req
446. she transcends your desire to chew.
She electrifies you!Copy !req
447. Something starts in your pelvis
and goes to your heart,Copy !req
448. where it becomes heart/pelvis.Copy !req
449. - Pop?
- Yes? Coming!Copy !req
450. What do I do?
Stand here like an object?Copy !req
451. No. You do an eclectic celebration
of the dance!Copy !req
452. You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! Or Martha
Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham!Copy !req
453. Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd,
Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd!Copy !req
454. Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!
But you keep it all inside.Copy !req
455. Work on that. I'll be right back.
It's looking wonderful.Copy !req
456. Barbara's coming with her parents.Copy !req
457. - When?
- Tomorrow.Copy !req
458. That's plenty of time.Copy !req
459. There's more. There's a lot more.Copy !req
460. Wine?Copy !req
461. No. Let's hear it.
I have to get back to rehearsal.Copy !req
462. Dad, Barbara's father is a senator,
a conservative senator.Copy !req
463. He's running for re-election.
And she told him...Copy !req
464. you're the cultural attaché to Greece
and Albert is a housewife.Copy !req
465. What?Copy !req
466. She had to. He founded
the Coalition for Moral Order.Copy !req
467. I don't care who he is.
I don't want to be someone else.Copy !req
468. Do you want me to be?Copy !req
469. No, no. Of course not.
And neither does she. But...Copy !req
470. Dad, he's Kevin Keeley.Copy !req
471. Who's Kevin Keeley?Copy !req
472. Do you ever read the newspapers?Copy !req
473. Of course. Variety, the Arts and Leisure
section of the Times...Copy !req
474. What don't I know?
Are you marrying some Nazi?Copy !req
475. No. He's conservative,
like half of America is conservative.Copy !req
476. And I'm marrying her, not him.Copy !req
477. - I need your help.
- Not for this.Copy !req
478. - You've done it before.
- Lied about who I am? Never.Copy !req
479. When I started Edison Park,
remember what you said?Copy !req
480. No.Copy !req
481. You said if Miss Donovan asked,
I should say you were a businessman.Copy !req
482. You were a baby, and she was
a small-minded idiot.Copy !req
483. I didn't want you to get hurt.Copy !req
484. It's different now. You're a man.Copy !req
485. I can still get hurt.Copy !req
486. It would mean everything to me
if you would help us.Copy !req
487. It's just for one night.Copy !req
488. This is insane.
What do I do, close the clubCopy !req
489. so I can pretend to be a cultural
attaché, whatever that is?Copy !req
490. And what about Albert? How do you make
Albert into a housewife?Copy !req
491. Well, you'd have to send him away.Copy !req
492. Are you nuts?
You try sending Albert away.Copy !req
493. We'd never get him past the Keeleys.
Dad, we have to rid of a few things.Copy !req
494. What things?Copy !req
495. Well, that, for example.Copy !req
496. Neptune? That's a classic.Copy !req
497. And this.Copy !req
498. The Kirby? That's art!Copy !req
499. And how about that?Copy !req
500. That better?Copy !req
501. Look, it's not just
one or two things, okay?Copy !req
502. It's everything.Copy !req
503. We're gonna have to tone
this down a little.Copy !req
504. Just make it a bit more
like other people's homes.Copy !req
505. I see. So we need a total redecoration,
so we can be more like other people.Copy !req
506. And you're going to have
to try to,Copy !req
507. you know,
change your mannerisms a little.Copy !req
508. - What are you saying?
- Just be a little less obvious.Copy !req
509. I'm obvious?Copy !req
510. Pop...Copy !req
511. I just had the walls
sponge-painted, Val.Copy !req
512. You better come downstairs.
She's trying to take his gum away.Copy !req
513. I'll be right down.Copy !req
514. Yes, I wear foundation.
Yes, I live with a man.Copy !req
515. Yes, I'm a middle-aged fag.Copy !req
516. But I know who I am, Val.
It took me 20 years to get here.Copy !req
517. I won't let some
idiot senator destroy that.Copy !req
518. Fuck the Senator.
I don't give a damn what he thinks.Copy !req
519. We're still outside
the home of Senator Kevin Keeley,Copy !req
520. co-founder of the Coalition...Copy !req
521. waiting for Senator Jackson's
colleague, Senator Kevin Keeley.Copy !req
522. At this point, we don't know
if the Senator is at home...Copy !req
523. Earlier reports placed him
at the home of Senator Robert Dole.Copy !req
524. We're here at what
they're calling Camp Keeley,Copy !req
525. waiting for the Senator to appear.Copy !req
526. The Senator was co-founder
of the Coalition for Moral OrderCopy !req
527. with Senator Eli Jackson.Copy !req
528. The Senator has been besieged here,
outside his palatial estate...Copy !req
529. by a virtual army of media, waiting
for his comment on the events of late.Copy !req
530. Where you driving him?Copy !req
531. South Beach, Florida.Copy !req
532. There have been a lot of tasteless jokes
going aroundCopy !req
533. about the death of Senator Jackson.Copy !req
534. And here's another one.Copy !req
535. Join Jay on The Tonight ShowCopy !req
536. with guests
Yassir Arafat and Kate Moss.Copy !req
537. This is unbearable.Copy !req
538. Kevin, no!Copy !req
539. I'm going down the ladder.
I can't face the press.Copy !req
540. Have the chauffeur
pick me up by the orchard.Copy !req
541. No! I don't want
to go out there alone!Copy !req
542. Barbara will be with you.
It's not you they're after.Copy !req
543. Daddy!Copy !req
544. Shush! I'm going the back way.Copy !req
545. What about your announcing Barbara's
wedding to the Coleman boy?Copy !req
546. Wait till we meet them.
What if they change their mind?Copy !req
547. Let go of my coat.
I'll meet you in the car.Copy !req
548. - He's leaving his home.
- Senator Keeley!Copy !req
549. Senator, will this cost you votes?Copy !req
550. What's the future of the Coalition?Copy !req
551. What about the rumors Senator Jackson
was on lithium?Copy !req
552. Uh, gentlemen... and ladies,Copy !req
553. I am, as are all my colleagues,Copy !req
554. Republican and Democrat,
liberal and conservative alike,Copy !req
555. stunned and saddened
by the circumstances surroundingCopy !req
556. the death of Senator Jackson,
as well as the death itself.Copy !req
557. My family and I
are leaving town for a few days,Copy !req
558. uh, for reasons that I cannot, uh...Copy !req
559. to, um, plan an event.Copy !req
560. An event which, uh,
I cannot, uh...Copy !req
561. which may perhaps heal some of the...Copy !req
562. bad, uh, things, that...Copy !req
563. Senator Jackson's demise
has made us all... feel.Copy !req
564. Where are you going, Senator?Copy !req
565. Where? To our farm. That's all
I'm going to say at this time.Copy !req
566. - Did you know the girl?
- Where is the farm?Copy !req
567. Agador? Goddamn it.Copy !req
568. What did I do?Copy !req
569. We're redoing the apartment
for tomorrow night. Goddamn it.Copy !req
570. This is for the in-laws, right?Copy !req
571. Right. We gotta get rid of everything
that's over the top.Copy !req
572. That's a lot.Copy !req
573. You'll have to get a uniform
and dress like a butler.Copy !req
574. No. I'm gonna look like a fag.Copy !req
575. But you'll look like
a fag in a uniform.Copy !req
576. Don't ask, don't tell.Copy !req
577. Start tomorrow morning.
I'll get Albert out early.Copy !req
578. Where will
I get a uniform?Copy !req
579. I'll say, "Albert,
you must go away for a few days."Copy !req
580. - Ay, Dio.
- It'll be hard.Copy !req
581. I got so much to do.Copy !req
582. Pop.Copy !req
583. Thank you.Copy !req
584. Do me a favor, Val.
Don't talk to me for a while.Copy !req
585. Kevin, please,
let's charter a plane.Copy !req
586. No. We can't get out of the car. Once
we get out of the car, we'll be spotted.Copy !req
587. How I love the sun.Copy !req
588. Yes, it's glorious, isn't it?Copy !req
589. You know, you could use some more sun.
Take a few days off. You look tired.Copy !req
590. What do you mean?Copy !req
591. Nothing.Copy !req
592. Don't kill yourselves.Copy !req
593. Who put Playboy in the bathroom?Copy !req
594. It's what they read.Copy !req
595. Don't add. Just subtract.Copy !req
596. Please hurry. This place
has to look respectable by six.Copy !req
597. Cyril, that's too short.Copy !req
598. I want that nice Armani
break in the front.Copy !req
599. But don't just pull it. Do it down
there. I got highwaters here.Copy !req
600. That's it.Copy !req
601. - But you must have meant something.
- I meant you looked tired.Copy !req
602. Tired means old. "You look tired"
means "you look old."Copy !req
603. "You look rested"
means you had collagen.Copy !req
604. You look wonderful.
Let's go window shopping.Copy !req
605. No, I want to go home.Copy !req
606. On a day like this?
I'll buy you anything you want.Copy !req
607. Anything?
I'll have to change my shoes.Copy !req
608. I'll buy you some.
- I need peds.Copy !req
609. - I'll buy you sandals.
- Armand! What's going on?Copy !req
610. - Why can't we go home?
- Nothing. Nothing.Copy !req
611. Then I'll see you upstairs.Copy !req
612. What?Copy !req
613. - I hurt my thing.
- Your what?Copy !req
614. My ankle. I don't think
I can make it upstairs.Copy !req
615. - I'll bring down some ice.
- No, no!Copy !req
616. Why not? Ow, my arm!Copy !req
617. My arm. I hate it
when you get hysterical.Copy !req
618. Don't leave me!Copy !req
619. What is that?Copy !req
620. I got it from the antique store
next door. Too butch?Copy !req
621. Don't add.Copy !req
622. Albert,
you're blocking my way.Copy !req
623. Put the moose on the patio.Copy !req
624. Don't be such a baby.
Be careful!Copy !req
625. - I can't move any faster.
- Lean on me.Copy !req
626. I need a doctor.Copy !req
627. Don't be silly.
It isn't even swollen.Copy !req
628. We should go to the emergency room.Copy !req
629. You're overreacting. Don't be such a
baby. Just sit down on...Copy !req
630. We've been robbed.Copy !req
631. Albie, no. I've just taken
a few things out.Copy !req
632. They'll be returned
by the time you're back.Copy !req
633. Back?Copy !req
634. Where am I going?Copy !req
635. - You didn't tell him.
- What? Tell me what?Copy !req
636. Val's fiancée is coming tonight
with her parents.Copy !req
637. We thought...Copy !req
638. We thought it would be better
if you weren't here.Copy !req
639. I see.Copy !req
640. - I see.
- It's just for tonight.Copy !req
641. I understand.
Just while people are here.Copy !req
642. It's all right, my darling.Copy !req
643. It's nothing. It's painful...Copy !req
644. but it's not important.Copy !req
645. - I'm leaving.
- It's just one night, Albert.Copy !req
646. The monster...Copy !req
647. the freak is leaving.Copy !req
648. You're safe.Copy !req
649. That went well.Copy !req
650. Albert!Copy !req
651. Albert!
Will you listen?Copy !req
652. Go away. I hate you!
I never want to see you again.Copy !req
653. My heart is breaking.Copy !req
654. Please don't cry. It's okay.
You can stay.Copy !req
655. I won't stay where I'm not wanted.Copy !req
656. Where I can be thrown out on a whim
without legal rights.Copy !req
657. I have the palimony papers.Copy !req
658. You're lying again.
This is too much for me.Copy !req
659. Too much ugliness, too much pain.Copy !req
660. Feel my pulse. Am I all right?Copy !req
661. My goodness, it's very fast.
Let's get you out of the sun.Copy !req
662. - Waiter! Water.
- Right away.Copy !req
663. It's the end. I know it is.Copy !req
664. No, it isn't. Just breathe.Copy !req
665. Thank you, Rodrigo. And the usual.Copy !req
666. Right away, Señor Goldman.Copy !req
667. There you go.Copy !req
668. Thank you. That's better.Copy !req
669. This is not about you.
The girl's parents are assholes.Copy !req
670. Val is crazy about you.Copy !req
671. Is he? Oh, that helps.Copy !req
672. Oh, you're so sweet.Copy !req
673. That water is so cool.Copy !req
674. Maybe it is a bit much to introduce me
as his mother on the first visit.Copy !req
675. Could you say I was a visiting relative?Copy !req
676. Val's uncle? Uncle Al?Copy !req
677. What's the point?
To be Val's gay uncle?Copy !req
678. I could play it straight.Copy !req
679. Oh, please. Look at you,
at how you hold your glass.Copy !req
680. Look at your pinky, your posture.Copy !req
681. What about you? You're obviously
not a cultural... whatever it is.Copy !req
682. You've never been to a museum
and you eat like a pig.Copy !req
683. These conservatives don't care
if you're a pig, just if you're a fag.Copy !req
684. Oh, fuck 'em.
Of course you can pass as an uncle.Copy !req
685. You're a great performer,
I'm a great director.Copy !req
686. Together we can do anything.Copy !req
687. Oh, Armand. Really?Copy !req
688. Absolutely.
We've got five hours.Copy !req
689. First, get your pinky down.
It's up again.Copy !req
690. And your posture.Copy !req
691. My God! Are you crazy?
What are you doing?Copy !req
692. Stop screaming!
I'm teaching you to act like a man.Copy !req
693. All right, all right.Copy !req
694. It's a dinner party,
let's work with food.Copy !req
695. Spread some mustard on the toast.Copy !req
696. Don't use the spoon.
And don't dribble dots of mustard.Copy !req
697. You take your knife...Copy !req
698. and you smear. Men smear.Copy !req
699. Smear. Yeah.Copy !req
700. Get the goddamn pinky down! Make your
fingers like iron. Stop trembling!Copy !req
701. Hold the knife boldly, with strength.Copy !req
702. Oh, God! I pierced the toast!Copy !req
703. So what? Just remember not to go
to pieces when that happens.Copy !req
704. React like a man, calmly.Copy !req
705. You say to yourself, "Albert, you
pierced the toast. So what?"Copy !req
706. It's not the end of your life.Copy !req
707. "Albert, you pierced the toast. So
what?"Copy !req
708. Of course.
There's no need to get hysterical.Copy !req
709. All I have to remember is,
I can always get more toast.Copy !req
710. That's the spirit. Let's try walking.Copy !req
711. - Holding the sandwich?
- It doesn't matter. Just walk.Copy !req
712. Down!Copy !req
713. Too swishy?Copy !req
714. Let me give you an image.Copy !req
715. It's a cliché, but it's an image.
John Wayne.Copy !req
716. Oh, God!
Couldn't we start with someone easier?Copy !req
717. Come on. You're a big fan.Copy !req
718. He has a very distinctive walk.Copy !req
719. Very easy to imitate. And if anyone
was a man... Now try it.Copy !req
720. Now just get off your horse
and head into the saloon.Copy !req
721. Nice touch.Copy !req
722. Howdy, ma'am.Copy !req
723. No good?Copy !req
724. Actually, it's perfect. I never realized
John Wayne walked like that.Copy !req
725. Hang on.Copy !req
726. This guy's a fucking maniac.Copy !req
727. What's in South Beach?Copy !req
728. Armand Goldman,
you old so-and-so.Copy !req
729. How about those Dolphins?Copy !req
730. Screaming queen?Copy !req
731. The hand goes sideways, not palm down.
I'm shaking it, not kissing it.Copy !req
732. Tighten your wrist.Copy !req
733. No, straighten it, then tighten it.Copy !req
734. Al, you old so-and-so.Copy !req
735. - I just said that.
- Now I'm saying it.Copy !req
736. Okay. Straighten, tighten.Copy !req
737. Al, you old son of a bitch!
How do you feel about that call today?Copy !req
738. The Dolphins, in the fourth on their
30-yard line with only 34 seconds to go.Copy !req
739. How do you think I feel?
Betrayed. Bewildered.Copy !req
740. Wrong response?Copy !req
741. I'm not sure.
Take it from the top.Copy !req
742. This is very exciting.Copy !req
743. - It is, fella.
- Right on, amigo!Copy !req
744. - Damn straight.
- Damn straight!Copy !req
745. - Fuckin' A!
- Fuckin' A, right!Copy !req
746. Swing that by me again, little buddy.Copy !req
747. - I'm terribly sorry.
- Take it easy.Copy !req
748. You take it easy, pilgrim.Copy !req
749. - He bumped into me.
- Tough gazongas.Copy !req
750. Why are you being a prick?Copy !req
751. Why are you being an asshole?Copy !req
752. Are you calling me an asshole?Copy !req
753. Actually, I'm talking
to the asshole behind you.Copy !req
754. See, the swelling's already gone down.
It's nothing.Copy !req
755. You were magnificent, marvelous,
very masculine.Copy !req
756. I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
757. That big gorilla looked ridiculous
when he sat on youCopy !req
758. and banged your head on the ground.
He didn't even know how to box!Copy !req
759. Thank you, Vallie. You're a dear.Copy !req
760. I'll get you some more ice.
Be right back, love.Copy !req
761. Dad, could we hire a straight maid
for tonight?Copy !req
762. There are no straight maids
in South Beach.Copy !req
763. And I have more bad news for you.Copy !req
764. I told Albert he could stay.Copy !req
765. You did what? Why?Copy !req
766. Why? Because he told me
his heart was breakingCopy !req
767. and he's my friend and companion.Copy !req
768. Who will we say he is?Copy !req
769. Your uncle.Copy !req
770. My uncle?Copy !req
771. Let's just forget the whole thing.Copy !req
772. Don't be so negative!
Have a little hope!Copy !req
773. About what? Once they see you
and Albert together...Copy !req
774. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I was feeling so good, and now...Copy !req
775. God, what a mess.Copy !req
776. We need a woman.Copy !req
777. We can pass Albert off as an uncle
if we have a woman as a mother.Copy !req
778. Ironic, isn't it?
When you need a woman...Copy !req
779. Why don't I ask your mother?Copy !req
780. My mother wouldn't do it. Would she?Copy !req
781. - How do we know?
- 'Cause she hasn't seen me in 20 years.Copy !req
782. No. 20 years ago, she was
a young girl, scared, broke. Now...Copy !req
783. You can't be serious!Copy !req
784. It's very unfair of you to try to talk
Val into this. He has every reason...Copy !req
785. You think she'd do it?Copy !req
786. My mother?Copy !req
787. Oh, my God. Armand?Copy !req
788. I don't believe it.
It's been 100 years. Where are you?Copy !req
789. I'll be there in five minutes.Copy !req
790. I can hardly wait.Copy !req
791. Me, too. Bye-bye.Copy !req
792. She's gonna see me.Copy !req
793. Why don't I drop you off at a café?Copy !req
794. No, I'll come up with you.
I'm sure there's a waiting room.Copy !req
795. Hello. Katharine Archer, please.
It's Armand Goldman.Copy !req
796. Go right in.Copy !req
797. Thank you.Copy !req
798. Just sit!Copy !req
799. Excuse us.Copy !req
800. Army Goldman.Copy !req
801. Katie Archer. Or is it Mrs. Something?Copy !req
802. No. I'm between husbands. Sit down.Copy !req
803. I've thought about you so many times.Copy !req
804. Whenever I saw an ad for The Birdcage.
Are you still with Albert?Copy !req
805. Yes, we're still together.Copy !req
806. And you...Copy !req
807. you've done well.Copy !req
808. The money you gave me
started this place.Copy !req
809. You should have
gotten stock for it.Copy !req
810. I got Val for it.
It was a fair trade.Copy !req
811. Is he?Copy !req
812. How is he?Copy !req
813. He's fine.
He wants to get married.Copy !req
814. Married? How old is he?Copy !req
815. - 20.
- 20?Copy !req
816. My God, 20 years.Copy !req
817. And today, for the first time,
he really needs you.Copy !req
818. Shiny.Copy !req
819. Imelda,
cancel my appointments for tonight.Copy !req
820. I normally drink vegetable juice
during business hours, but for this...Copy !req
821. let's drink to Senator Keeley's
daughter and our Val.Copy !req
822. I haven't done much for him
in the last 20 years.Copy !req
823. Don't worry about that.Copy !req
824. I'm not exactly maternal.Copy !req
825. I am.Copy !req
826. I'm very maternal.Copy !req
827. And Albert's practically a breast.Copy !req
828. Do you remember the show
where we met?Copy !req
829. Very well.Copy !req
830. Wait, wait.Copy !req
831. Aye, for the gypsy.Copy !req
832. How handsome you were.Copy !req
833. How unavailable, and what a body.Copy !req
834. You're embarrassing me.Copy !req
835. You were so terrified.
It was so sweet.Copy !req
836. I nearly died. I walk into my room
and there's a woman in my bed!Copy !req
837. I paid the doorman 20 dollars.Copy !req
838. 20 dollars in those days.Copy !req
839. Oh, God.
I thought, "What the hell?"Copy !req
840. "I'll try it once and see what those
straight guys are raving about."Copy !req
841. - How long did we last?
- I know exactly.Copy !req
842. From 2:30 till 3:45 a.m.
Two times.Copy !req
843. Sorry.Copy !req
844. You're in incredible shape.
And you still can dance.Copy !req
845. So can you, Armand.Copy !req
846. Thank you. That's so cool.Copy !req
847. Where did all this hair come from?
Wasn't your chest smooth?Copy !req
848. I shaved it for the show.
I wanted to look young.Copy !req
849. It's much nicer this way,
much more masculine.Copy !req
850. So much hair.Copy !req
851. Let me touch it.Copy !req
852. What a beautiful chain.Copy !req
853. Look how it glitters in that thick,
black nest of hair.Copy !req
854. Unbutton your shirt.Copy !req
855. - Careful, it's silk.
- Let me touch that chest.Copy !req
856. - You'll pull a thread.
- Your beautiful, hairy chest.Copy !req
857. Excuse me...Copy !req
858. I'm sorry, I couldn't stop him.Copy !req
859. Albert?Copy !req
860. - Is Albert here?
- No.Copy !req
861. Great. Then he's driving back
from Miami at 20 miles an hourCopy !req
862. with the parking brake on.
I had to take the bus.Copy !req
863. Are we crucifying someone tonight?Copy !req
864. You like it? I traded
that stupid moose for it.Copy !req
865. And they threw in books.
It all goes back tomorrow.Copy !req
866. Dad, is my mother coming?Copy !req
867. Yes, she's coming.Copy !req
868. Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
869. There. You see?
It all worked out.Copy !req
870. I'm only here to get
my toothbrush.Copy !req
871. Agador, will you?
It's in the usual place.Copy !req
872. I would have loved to see your children.Copy !req
873. Why don't you hold the crucifix?
It's the prop for martyrs.Copy !req
874. Oh, yes. Another gibe,
another joke at my expense.Copy !req
875. You and Katharine were probably
laughing at me, too.Copy !req
876. Well, why not? I'm not young.
I'm not newCopy !req
877. and everyone laughs at me.Copy !req
878. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am.Copy !req
879. The only solution is to go
where nobody is ridiculous,Copy !req
880. where everyone is equal.Copy !req
881. Goodbye, Armand.Copy !req
882. Wait, Miss Albert!
Don't forget this.Copy !req
883. Listen, I don't want you to go.Copy !req
884. My poor, devoted Agador.Copy !req
885. I'm leaving you my stereo...Copy !req
886. my red boots...
- I don't want them.Copy !req
887. and my wigs.
- Which wigs?Copy !req
888. My best wigs.
I won't need them where I'm going.Copy !req
889. Okay, I'll bite.Copy !req
890. Where are you going?Copy !req
891. To Los Copa.Copy !req
892. Los Copa? There isn't anything
in Los Copa but a cemetery.Copy !req
893. I know. That's why I'm packing light.Copy !req
894. - A Dio.
- I see.Copy !req
895. You're going to the cemetery
with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.Copy !req
896. Goodbye, Armand.Copy !req
897. Miss Albert, wait! Don't!Copy !req
898. Shit!Copy !req
899. It'll be better without an uncle.Copy !req
900. What did you do to him?
He goes to a cemetery!Copy !req
901. - Pull yourself together!
- Why?Copy !req
902. Because you have to start
cooking dinner.Copy !req
903. I'm going after fucking Albert.Copy !req
904. Can you...Copy !req
905. You can cook, right?Copy !req
906. Your father seems to think so.Copy !req
907. My cemetery is in Key Biscayne.Copy !req
908. It's one of the prettiest in the world.Copy !req
909. There are lovely trees, the sky is blue,
there are birds.Copy !req
910. The one in Los Copa is really shit.Copy !req
911. What a pain in the ass you are.Copy !req
912. It's true. You're not young
and you're not new,Copy !req
913. and you do make people laugh.Copy !req
914. I'm still with you
because you make me laugh.Copy !req
915. So now I have to sell my plot
in Key Biscayne so I can be next to youCopy !req
916. in that shithole Los Copa,
so I never miss a laugh.Copy !req
917. Here.Copy !req
918. What's this?Copy !req
919. Read it.Copy !req
920. I don't understand.Copy !req
921. It's the palimony agreement.
I told you I had it.Copy !req
922. It says I have the right to give you
half of everything I own.Copy !req
923. It's safer, if something happens
to one of us.Copy !req
924. But who owns it now?Copy !req
925. You do.Copy !req
926. Well, I... I don't want it.Copy !req
927. Then give me half.Copy !req
928. Quick, give me a pen.
I don't want all of this, Armand.Copy !req
929. Sign it.Copy !req
930. There, we're partners.Copy !req
931. You own half of my life
and I own half of yours.Copy !req
932. Half of the club?Copy !req
933. What does it matter?
Take it all.Copy !req
934. I'm 50 years old.Copy !req
935. There's one place I call home
and it's because you're there.Copy !req
936. What difference does it make if I say
you can stay or you say I can stay?Copy !req
937. It's ours.Copy !req
938. Hello. She's gone, Mr. Goldman.
But she always checks in.Copy !req
939. Sure, I'll take a message.Copy !req
940. Go ahead.Copy !req
941. Don't come...Copy !req
942. The Reverend Al Sharpton
said today thatCopy !req
943. Jackson's last words, "Your money's
on the dresser, Chocolate" were racist.Copy !req
944. The prostitute's given name
was Natumbundra...Copy !req
945. That idiot Jackson!
Now the Blacks will start.Copy !req
946. Barbara's wedding will disassociate
us from all this, really.Copy !req
947. The Colemans are a perfect family.
They've never been divorced, have they?Copy !req
948. - No.
- See? We're on our way to salvation.Copy !req
949. And it was a question
of Albert or your mother.Copy !req
950. So I had to choose.Copy !req
951. And I chose Albert.Copy !req
952. You understand that, don't you?Copy !req
953. I knew you would.Copy !req
954. I can't get this damn tie even.Copy !req
955. Well, the jacket will cover it.Copy !req
956. I look like my grandfather in this suit.Copy !req
957. He always dressed like this.
He killed himself at 30.Copy !req
958. Any last instructions?Copy !req
959. No. Just don't walk
unless you have to.Copy !req
960. Try not to gesture.Copy !req
961. - Is that all?
- Don't talk... too much.Copy !req
962. Who cares? This won't work.Copy !req
963. Come on! Don't be so negative.
I think we can pull this off.Copy !req
964. What?Copy !req
965. No good?Copy !req
966. Why? I'm dressed just the way you are.Copy !req
967. I took off all my rings.Copy !req
968. I'm not wearing any makeup.Copy !req
969. I'm just... a "guy."Copy !req
970. What about those?Copy !req
971. Those? Well, one does want
a hint of color.Copy !req
972. You're thinking that dressed this way,Copy !req
973. I'm even more obvious, aren't you?Copy !req
974. You're right.Copy !req
975. I just wanted so much to help you.Copy !req
976. And you hate me.Copy !req
977. You both hate me.Copy !req
978. Oh, God...Copy !req
979. We don't hate you.Copy !req
980. Better put your shoes on, it's late.Copy !req
981. There's no point in my putting
shoes on, sir.Copy !req
982. I never wear shoes
because they make me fall down.Copy !req
983. Just put your shoes on!Copy !req
984. And talk in your normal voice.
Give me a break.Copy !req
985. Okay?Copy !req
986. Okay.Copy !req
987. Armand, it's Katharine.Copy !req
988. I'm in the car and I got
a message telling me not to come.Copy !req
989. And I wanted to check...Copy !req
990. No, that was a mistake. He said
not to come late. I was there.Copy !req
991. I thought my secretary got it wrong.Copy !req
992. I should be there in half an hour.Copy !req
993. Is this Val?Copy !req
994. Yeah.Copy !req
995. Val, I want you to know how...Copy !req
996. happy I am
that I can do this for you.Copy !req
997. I know it's a little late.Copy !req
998. No, it's fine.Copy !req
999. Thanks for this.Copy !req
1000. So, um, see you in half an hour...Copy !req
1001. Mom.Copy !req
1002. What?Copy !req
1003. Did you just say,
"See you in half an hour, Mom"?Copy !req
1004. - Was that?
- Yes.Copy !req
1005. You can't call her back.
She's in the car.Copy !req
1006. Are you crazy?Copy !req
1007. Albert is hysterical now.Copy !req
1008. You know what he'll do
if Katharine comes?Copy !req
1009. He won't embarrass me.Copy !req
1010. It was my mother.
I couldn't tell her not to come.Copy !req
1011. Pop, without her, I'm screwed.
You know that.Copy !req
1012. So this is hell.
And there's a crucifix in it.Copy !req
1013. This is less like Palm Beach
than I imagined.Copy !req
1014. It was all sand when they bought here.Copy !req
1015. This grew up around them
while they were in Greece.Copy !req
1016. He's locked himself in. If we're lucky
he won't come out at all.Copy !req
1017. I'm not religious and I'm Jewish.Copy !req
1018. But if things go well,
I'd appreciate it.Copy !req
1019. Speaking of Jewish. Barbara told
her parents our last name is Coleman.Copy !req
1020. Thanks.Copy !req
1021. Coming.Copy !req
1022. Perfect.Copy !req
1023. It's the shoes.Copy !req
1024. Good evening. I am Spartacus,
the Goldmans' butler.Copy !req
1025. Please, come... come in.Copy !req
1026. Is that Goldman?Copy !req
1027. Coldman, Coldman.
Spartacus is, uh...Copy !req
1028. - Guatemalan.
new.Copy !req
1029. Val, this is my father
and my mother.Copy !req
1030. This is Val Coleman.Copy !req
1031. Coleman or Coldman?Copy !req
1032. Coleman.
The "D" is silent.Copy !req
1033. - My father.
- How do you do?Copy !req
1034. - My daughter, Barbara.
- Delighted.Copy !req
1035. - My husband.
- Extremely honored.Copy !req
1036. You have a very forceful handshake.Copy !req
1037. You have to in Greece.Copy !req
1038. My mother won't be here
for another 15 minutes.Copy !req
1039. She's with my grandparents
in Palm Beach.Copy !req
1040. Oh, isn't that nice?Copy !req
1041. Having contact between the generations.Copy !req
1042. Yes. Won't you come in?Copy !req
1043. How's the leg?
My father has an old football injury.Copy !req
1044. A fellow sufferer.
Where did you play?Copy !req
1045. - Greece.
- Miami U.Copy !req
1046. What an interesting room.Copy !req
1047. Don't you think this room is nice?Copy !req
1048. Well, yes. A very, very...Copy !req
1049. pleasant vacation house.
I like its, uh, severity.Copy !req
1050. Dad uses this place more for work and...
reflection than anything else.Copy !req
1051. So it's not so much
a vacation house as a...Copy !req
1052. Monastery.Copy !req
1053. Well, it's just charming.Copy !req
1054. And look at these lovely old books.Copy !req
1055. Look at this.Copy !req
1056. Nancy Drew and the Case
of the Burning Candle.Copy !req
1057. You have the whole series.Copy !req
1058. - Uh, they're my mother's.
- Sit down!Copy !req
1059. Please.Copy !req
1060. Shall we have champagne to celebrate?Copy !req
1061. Oh, how nice.Copy !req
1062. - Agador!
- Spartacus!Copy !req
1063. Agador Spartacus! He insists
on being called by his full name.Copy !req
1064. We'd like the champagne now.Copy !req
1065. Over there? Okay, thanks.Copy !req
1066. God bless you.Copy !req
1067. They went in around the corner.Copy !req
1068. That's the side entrance to this
building.Copy !req
1069. Let's check it out.Copy !req
1070. You have such a responsibility,
two houses.Copy !req
1071. When did you buy this one?Copy !req
1072. About 15 years ago.
The area was mostly Jewish then.Copy !req
1073. Really? Barbara told us
it was mostly sand.Copy !req
1074. Yes. Well, you know the old saying.
"Where there's sand..."Copy !req
1075. Here we go.
Champagne for everyone.Copy !req
1076. And a Scotch, if you have it.Copy !req
1077. Is someone else home?Copy !req
1078. Just our dog, Piranha. We always
lock her in when there's company.Copy !req
1079. I'll finish pouring.
Go take care of dinner.Copy !req
1080. He's a brilliant chef. He just
has a lot to learn about serving.Copy !req
1081. Where could the wife be?Copy !req
1082. It was so weird.Copy !req
1083. No, it really was.Copy !req
1084. I was, like, "Will you marry me?"Copy !req
1085. She was like,
"Didn't you say no way before 30?"Copy !req
1086. It was so funny.Copy !req
1087. Yes, it does sound... funny.Copy !req
1088. How was your trip, Senator?Copy !req
1089. A nice trip. Very nice.Copy !req
1090. We decided to drive down
to see the seasons change.Copy !req
1091. It was a long trip, though.
Virginia, Kentucky,Copy !req
1092. Tennessee...Copy !req
1093. Georgia.Copy !req
1094. It was just so magical to come
from the north, where it's cold...Copy !req
1095. to the south, where it's warm...Copy !req
1096. and see the tremendous differences
from region to region,Copy !req
1097. in this incredible country of ours.Copy !req
1098. My wife and I used to go to VirginiaCopy !req
1099. every autumn to see the foliage turn.Copy !req
1100. Virginia has amazing foliage,Copy !req
1101. although I do think that the foliage
in Ohio is underrated.Copy !req
1102. It's just dazzling along I-75.Copy !req
1103. Just dazzling.Copy !req
1104. We would go down to Virginia,
to get away for a while.Copy !req
1105. To see the wonderful farms,
the countryside.Copy !req
1106. I'm stuck in traffic.Copy !req
1107. Start dinner without me.Copy !req
1108. The hills, the mountains.Copy !req
1109. Talk about "purple mountains majesty."Copy !req
1110. Just fantastic.Copy !req
1111. Red leaves, purple mountains...Copy !req
1112. green fields.Copy !req
1113. And the roads. Black...Copy !req
1114. cutting through the green.Copy !req
1115. All the colors.Copy !req
1116. The trees.Copy !req
1117. Pennsylvania's nice, too.Copy !req
1118. Was that my wife?Copy !req
1119. Just now on the phone?Copy !req
1120. I think it was.
I was just so caught up.Copy !req
1121. Val, was that Mom?Copy !req
1122. Yeah. She's stuck.Copy !req
1123. We're to start dinner without her.Copy !req
1124. I would have picked up,
but I was so interestedCopy !req
1125. in the Senator's... story.Copy !req
1126. Oh, it wasn't that good.Copy !req
1127. It was wonderful.Copy !req
1128. Will you excuse me? I should tell
Agador Spartacus this news.Copy !req
1129. Would you excuse us?Copy !req
1130. I've never had so much
go so wrong so quickly.Copy !req
1131. This is like a curse.Copy !req
1132. Dad, what do we do?
Do we wait for her or do we...Copy !req
1133. - You're soaking!
- I'm sweating like some farm animal.Copy !req
1134. - I can't do this.
- We can do this! Work with me.Copy !req
1135. Something very odd is going on.Copy !req
1136. It's this thing with Jackson.Copy !req
1137. The wife doesn't want to see us
and the father's a wreck.Copy !req
1138. I'm sure that's not it.Copy !req
1139. No, it's something else. Something about
the father and the butler.Copy !req
1140. - It's nothing!
- It is something.Copy !req
1141. It's not! You always think the worst.Copy !req
1142. - I do not!
- You always do!Copy !req
1143. Val's mother is just late.Copy !req
1144. She's just a little late!Copy !req
1145. - Watch yourself, young lady!
- Here they come.Copy !req
1146. Excuse me.Copy !req
1147. Well, we'll...Copy !req
1148. Let's give her half an hour
and then if she isn't...Copy !req
1149. Here I am!Copy !req
1150. Oh, please,Copy !req
1151. forgive me for being so late,
but traffic was unbelievable!Copy !req
1152. Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley,Copy !req
1153. I'm so happy to meet you at last.Copy !req
1154. You must be Barbara.Copy !req
1155. What a pretty child.Copy !req
1156. Come give me a hug.Copy !req
1157. Don't be afraid.Copy !req
1158. Oh, how adorable. She's shy.Copy !req
1159. How nice to meet you, Mrs. Coleman.Copy !req
1160. Goldman.Copy !req
1161. Isn't the "D" silent?Copy !req
1162. It is pronounced Coleman, isn't it?
We've had some confusion.Copy !req
1163. Oh, yes. Coleman.Copy !req
1164. The "D" is silent in America.Copy !req
1165. It's Cole d'Isle au Man,
or Cole of the Isle of Man in FranceCopy !req
1166. where Armand's chateau is,Copy !req
1167. Cole d'man in Greece
where Armand's work is,Copy !req
1168. and finally, the vulgar Coleman
in Florida, where Armand's home is.Copy !req
1169. So, we never know where we are until
we hear our last name pronounced.Copy !req
1170. - Oh, that explains it.
- At last.Copy !req
1171. I think I would like to hug you,
Mrs. Coleman.Copy !req
1172. Oh, my dear child. Welcome.Copy !req
1173. Look at this.Copy !req
1174. This is our footage for the show
on Jackson. Pump up the sound.Copy !req
1175. We're here at what
they're calling Camp Keeley...Copy !req
1176. Where you driving him?Copy !req
1177. South Beach, Florida.Copy !req
1178. Where'd we get this?Copy !req
1179. Keeley's house last night.
The fat guy,Copy !req
1180. is with the National Enquirer.
Harry Radman.Copy !req
1181. Oh, yeah. My God, he's put on so much
weight since the Simpson case.Copy !req
1182. This should go to the network.Copy !req
1183. It's so wonderful what you've done here.
Everything is so simple and uncluttered.Copy !req
1184. Our house is a sea of papers. You men.Copy !req
1185. You're the biggest babies.
They can run the world,Copy !req
1186. but can't pick out a tie.Copy !req
1187. I know. I can't get this big lug
to buy a new suit.Copy !req
1188. Armand, they're picking on us.Copy !req
1189. Oh, well...Copy !req
1190. bless them.
That's the way nature made them.Copy !req
1191. Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned girl,Copy !req
1192. but I pity the woman who's too busy
to take care of her man.Copy !req
1193. Hear, hear! It's so nice
to meet people like you.Copy !req
1194. Our kind of people.Copy !req
1195. C-O-L-E-M-A-N.
There's no first name on the bell.Copy !req
1196. Sure? They can't find them.Copy !req
1197. What about the name in front
of the club - Goldman? That's close.Copy !req
1198. You're right.
Wouldn't that be something?Copy !req
1199. Try Goldman. What was it?Copy !req
1200. Armand Goldman.Copy !req
1201. It's so odd to me,
this fuss over school prayer.Copy !req
1202. As if anyone,
Jews, Muslims, whatever,Copy !req
1203. would mind if their children
prayed in the classroom.Copy !req
1204. It's insane.Copy !req
1205. Thank you, Agador Spartacus!
You may go.Copy !req
1206. He's very nice,
but such a problem.Copy !req
1207. We never know
what makes him laugh.Copy !req
1208. At least he speaks English.Copy !req
1209. We have been through more chauffeurs
in the last six months...Copy !req
1210. And the maids we've run through
in the last six years!Copy !req
1211. - Rodney, Bruno, Chuck...
- Look! You all need more ice.Copy !req
1212. I have a good feeling about you people.Copy !req
1213. Not a lot of clever books
on the shelves,Copy !req
1214. no fancy art on the walls.Copy !req
1215. Just the crucifix,Copy !req
1216. and a lot of good,
warm, family feeling.Copy !req
1217. This is what Clinton missed
when he started in on school prayerCopy !req
1218. and gays in the military.Copy !req
1219. More ice for you.Copy !req
1220. There's an idiotic issue,
gays in the military!Copy !req
1221. I mean, those haircuts,
those uniforms, who cares?Copy !req
1222. Mom, don't talk about things
you don't know about.Copy !req
1223. Don't patronize your mother.
She's amazingly intelligent.Copy !req
1224. - I think homosexuality...
- A lot more ice for you!Copy !req
1225. More for me, Dad.Copy !req
1226. is one of the things
weakening this country.Copy !req
1227. Really?Copy !req
1228. That's what I thought until I found out
Alexander the Great was a fag.Copy !req
1229. Talk about gays in the military!Copy !req
1230. How about those Dolphins?Copy !req
1231. I'll get it.Copy !req
1232. I think we're skirting an issue here
that has Mr. Coleman very nervous.Copy !req
1233. You must have heard about
how Senator Jackson died.Copy !req
1234. Oh, that.Copy !req
1235. Yes, what an ugly story.Copy !req
1236. Of course, we don't believe a word of
it.Copy !req
1237. - What do you mean?
- He was obviously framed.Copy !req
1238. - I, for one, would like an autopsy.
- Mom...Copy !req
1239. That's just what Rush Limbaugh said.Copy !req
1240. Excuse me.Copy !req
1241. The tension... it's like riding a
psychotic horse toward a burning stable.Copy !req
1242. Dinner is going to be late, okay?Copy !req
1243. 'Cause you give me
so little time to shop.Copy !req
1244. Barbara's nice.
I owe it to Val,Copy !req
1245. growing up the way he did.
It can't have been easy.Copy !req
1246. I'm sorry to laugh at Miss Albert,
but what is that hairdo?Copy !req
1247. Fuck it! It's one night.
I can live through it.Copy !req
1248. Of course, it's wrong
to kill an abortion doctor.Copy !req
1249. Many pro-lifers, I don't agree with
them, but they feel that if you...Copy !req
1250. I'm here, son.Copy !req
1251. stop the doctors,
you stop the abortions.Copy !req
1252. That's ridiculous.
The doctors are only doing their jobs.Copy !req
1253. Better to kill the mothers.
That will stop them.Copy !req
1254. May I see you a moment, dear?Copy !req
1255. I know, I know, if you kill the mother,
the fetus dies, too.Copy !req
1256. But the fetus is going to be aborted,
so let it go down with the ship.Copy !req
1257. I really must see you now.Copy !req
1258. Excuse me.Copy !req
1259. I assure you,Copy !req
1260. Mother is just following a train
of thought to its logicalCopy !req
1261. yet absurd conclusion.Copy !req
1262. As Jonathan Swift did
when he suggestedCopy !req
1263. Irish peasants feed
their babies to the rich.Copy !req
1264. I don't know about Jonathan Swift,
but I know one thing about your mother.Copy !req
1265. She's a passionate woman
who follows her heart. And I love her.Copy !req
1266. So Goldman owns the club,Copy !req
1267. lives above it,
owns the building and he's gay.Copy !req
1268. We are in Enquirer heaven.Copy !req
1269. You have a beautiful voice.Copy !req
1270. Your mother should know
I want a career and marriage.Copy !req
1271. Barbara, Albert isn't my mother.
He's a drag queen.Copy !req
1272. That's right, I keep forgetting.Copy !req
1273. He just sounds so much like a mother.Copy !req
1274. Bravo!Copy !req
1275. What a lovely voice you have,
Agador Spartacus.Copy !req
1276. Thank you. Thank you, all.
Dinner is served.Copy !req
1277. Wonderful. This way, Senator.
You know, I played Eliza in high school.Copy !req
1278. I'll bet you were lovely.Copy !req
1279. Go inside. I'll tape a note
to Katharine to the door.Copy !req
1280. Mrs. Keeley over there,
and the Senator on my right.Copy !req
1281. Val, over here.
And Barbara, dear, please sit.Copy !req
1282. You are the most gracious hostess.Copy !req
1283. Oh, thank you so much.Copy !req
1284. I'm having such a wonderful time.Copy !req
1285. This is what I've always dreamed of:Copy !req
1286. A big, loving family
gathered around the table,Copy !req
1287. the way it was when I was a girl.Copy !req
1288. That's the way we grew up, too.Copy !req
1289. It was a wonderful world then,
wasn't it? Happy families andCopy !req
1290. everyone speaking English
and no drugs and no AIDS.Copy !req
1291. Easy on the wine, Mom.Copy !req
1292. What interesting china!Copy !req
1293. It looks like young men
playing leapfrog.Copy !req
1294. Is it Greek?Copy !req
1295. I... I...Copy !req
1296. I have no idea.Copy !req
1297. I've never seen these bowls before.Copy !req
1298. Really? Barbara,
get me my glasses, dear.Copy !req
1299. They're in my purse by the chair.Copy !req
1300. Where are my glasses? It is Greek.Copy !req
1301. Greek boys, actually.
Uh, naked Greek boys.Copy !req
1302. And girls!
Doesn't your bowl have girls?Copy !req
1303. - I have one!
- Mine, too! Oh, look.Copy !req
1304. There. I think that's a girl.Copy !req
1305. Then you haven't seen one in a long
time. That's a boy.Copy !req
1306. I may need glasses, but I can see that.Copy !req
1307. I couldn't find your glasses.
Maybe they're in the car.Copy !req
1308. I have mine. Here.Copy !req
1309. Hurry, you idiot!
They're looking at the bowls.Copy !req
1310. How could you put out bowls
without looking at them?Copy !req
1311. Stop ladling! Give me the pot!Copy !req
1312. - You can't serve out of that!
- Move!Copy !req
1313. Wait! There's shrimps.Copy !req
1314. Let's see
what these Greeks are doing.Copy !req
1315. Here we go.Copy !req
1316. Agador's superb soup. We're in luck,
he doesn't make this for everyone.Copy !req
1317. This is his specialty,
seafood chowder.Copy !req
1318. - Isn't that an egg?
- What?Copy !req
1319. - An egg.
- Why, yes, it is. It is a huevo.Copy !req
1320. This is so Guatemala.Copy !req
1321. They put eggs in everything down thereCopy !req
1322. because chicken is
so important to them.Copy !req
1323. It's their only real currency.Copy !req
1324. A woman is said to be
worth her weight in hens.Copy !req
1325. A man's wealth is measured
by the size of his cock.Copy !req
1326. Will you excuse me?Copy !req
1327. What the hell is this?Copy !req
1328. Sweet and sour peasant soup.
Why'd you say it was seafood chowder?Copy !req
1329. - What the hell is that?
- I don't know. I made it up!Copy !req
1330. God, this is a nightmare.Copy !req
1331. Where are you staying in Florida?Copy !req
1332. With the Jeb Bushes, on Fisher Island.Copy !req
1333. Fisher Island. Such a lovely spot.Copy !req
1334. My parents lived on Fisher Island
until they died.Copy !req
1335. I thought you were visiting your parents
in Palm Beach.Copy !req
1336. What?Copy !req
1337. Oh, yes, uh... now...Copy !req
1338. that they're dead.Copy !req
1339. They moved...Copy !req
1340. were moved... because...Copy !req
1341. Well...Copy !req
1342. My mother always said,
"Live on Fisher Island,Copy !req
1343. get buried in Palm Beach,Copy !req
1344. that way you'll have
the best of Florida."Copy !req
1345. Dad, get in there.
Everything is going to hell.Copy !req
1346. He didn't make an entrée.Copy !req
1347. What? You... you mean
we just have soup?Copy !req
1348. Peasant soup is an entrée.
It's like stew!Copy !req
1349. Why do you think I put
so much in it?Copy !req
1350. Shut up!Copy !req
1351. Put Katharine's note
on the downstairs door.Copy !req
1352. I have to go back before
they get to the bottom of the bowls.Copy !req
1353. I had so much to do.
You give me no time to shop!Copy !req
1354. Shut up!Copy !req
1355. It's okay! We're all right!Copy !req
1356. Shut up, goddamn you!
Stop crying! Goddamn you!Copy !req
1357. Don't just stand there!
She'll be here any minute! Go!Copy !req
1358. Goddamn it! Fuck the shrimp!Copy !req
1359. Oh, my God.
That's it. That's it.Copy !req
1360. - That's the Lincoln.
- Park here. The street's jammed.Copy !req
1361. - This is an intersection.
- So? We're the press.Copy !req
1362. "Katharine, do not go upstairs.
I'll call you tomorrow. Armand."Copy !req
1363. This is going to be great.Copy !req
1364. From that day on, they looked
for a cemetery they really lovedCopy !req
1365. instead of eating tofu.Copy !req
1366. Daddy favored Key Biscayne, but...Copy !req
1367. Time for dessert.
You get everything done?Copy !req
1368. Yes.Copy !req
1369. Shall we have our coffee
in the living room?Copy !req
1370. No, it's his town car.
I am looking at it.Copy !req
1371. We're in the middle of a bunch
of drag clubs. I don't know.Copy !req
1372. We got authorization.Copy !req
1373. So, three?Copy !req
1374. - So, where are they?
- They went around the corner there.Copy !req
1375. So what do you think of these kids
getting married?Copy !req
1376. Well, she's only 18
and he's only 20, so I...Copy !req
1377. Good God. That sounds like
it's coming from downstairs.Copy !req
1378. It must be coming
from that nightclub on the corner.Copy !req
1379. This must be the same building.Copy !req
1380. You're joking! I always thought
that was someone's television set.Copy !req
1381. Now, Mother, you know we live
above a nightclub.Copy !req
1382. She's travelled around the world,
but deep downCopy !req
1383. she's still a girl
from Grover's Corners.Copy !req
1384. I'm afraid I am a bit naïve.Copy !req
1385. Don't be ashamed of Grover's Corners.Copy !req
1386. It's not a chateau,
but it's a darn good place to call home.Copy !req
1387. Thank you. I will remember that.Copy !req
1388. Of course, Armand is much more
sophisticated than I am.Copy !req
1389. But then, he comes from such good stock.Copy !req
1390. Just like those two adorable youngsters.Copy !req
1391. Don't you agree?Copy !req
1392. - Where's the bathroom?
- I'll show you.Copy !req
1393. - No, I want Mother Coleman to show me.
- My dear child!Copy !req
1394. One kiss, darling.Copy !req
1395. - I'm only going to the bathroom.
- We'll all go.Copy !req
1396. I think you're all crazy.Copy !req
1397. My men!Copy !req
1398. Isn't this wonderful?
All of us together.Copy !req
1399. This is so moving,
I think I'm going to cry!Copy !req
1400. Something very strange is going on.Copy !req
1401. I know.Copy !req
1402. I mean, that dinner.Copy !req
1403. I know there was something
on those bowls.Copy !req
1404. And the son disappearing
while we were eating.Copy !req
1405. I know just what's going on.Copy !req
1406. It's the oldest story in the world.Copy !req
1407. What is it?Copy !req
1408. She's a small town girl...Copy !req
1409. and he's a pretentious European,
the worst kind.Copy !req
1410. Him and his Cole d'whatever.Copy !req
1411. And his decadent china.
I've seen it all before.Copy !req
1412. Aristotle Onassis was like this.Copy !req
1413. And all of the French.
Especially Mitterrand.Copy !req
1414. And the English.
Not Margaret Thatcher, of course.Copy !req
1415. But I bet John Major has something
on the side. And she can't handle it.Copy !req
1416. - Who?
- Mrs. Coleman.Copy !req
1417. Why should she care about John Major?Copy !req
1418. No. Mrs. Coleman can't handle him.Copy !req
1419. Coleman and his nasty
little European traditions.Copy !req
1420. And his snobbery. And that dig
about Grover's Corners.Copy !req
1421. Kevin, you're rambling.Copy !req
1422. Well, it makes me furious,
the contempt he has for her.Copy !req
1423. Did you see him when she talked?
He looked almost frightened.Copy !req
1424. He won't let her run the house.
He's in the kitchen. He serves.Copy !req
1425. He tells that beige savage what to do.Copy !req
1426. What?Copy !req
1427. I'm so sorry.
I've ruined everything!Copy !req
1428. Don't be silly. No-one noticed the wig.
Where's the spirit gum?Copy !req
1429. They took everything away.Copy !req
1430. I have a barrette. If you don't move
your head, it might work.Copy !req
1431. Thank you. You're a very sweet girl.Copy !req
1432. I'm so sorry, Val.Copy !req
1433. You didn't have this kind of sympathy
for poor Bessie Jackson!Copy !req
1434. Bessie Jackson is an insensitive cow.Copy !req
1435. This woman is a lady.
You know, she'll be your in-law, too.Copy !req
1436. If he's so terrible, maybe your daughter
shouldn't marry his son!Copy !req
1437. He's not terrible in that way.
He won't get mixed up in some scandal.Copy !req
1438. - I've never really seen you before.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
1439. I don't even know who you are!
All you think about is your career.Copy !req
1440. And poor, little Mrs. Coleman.Copy !req
1441. Oh, please. You're just as worried
about my career as I am.Copy !req
1442. You're the one who pushed for the
marriage. Barbara can handle that boy.Copy !req
1443. She's a modern woman, tough as nails.Copy !req
1444. Mrs. Coleman is just very vulnerable.Copy !req
1445. It just breaks my heart. They don't
make woman like that anymore.Copy !req
1446. Hello! I'm home!
I forgot my key.Copy !req
1447. - Who is it?
- Val's mother, Mrs. Goldman.Copy !req
1448. Is Armand there?Copy !req
1449. - Val's mother?
- Mrs. Goldman?Copy !req
1450. So this is the whole story.
The bastard has a live-in mistress.Copy !req
1451. - I'll get the door.
- No, you're in the wrong house!Copy !req
1452. Good evening. May I take your purse,
as usual? Or...Copy !req
1453. for the first time.Copy !req
1454. Thank you.Copy !req
1455. You must be Senator and Mrs. Keeley.Copy !req
1456. Katharine Goldman. Delighted
to meet you. I'm sorry I'm so late...Copy !req
1457. Sorry to take so long, but Barbara...
What is she doing here?Copy !req
1458. Let me explain.Copy !req
1459. Please do.
Explain to all of us.Copy !req
1460. I don't want to embarrass
this lovely lady,Copy !req
1461. but how many mothers does Val have?Copy !req
1462. What?Copy !req
1463. This woman introduced herself
as Val's mother.Copy !req
1464. How many mothers does he have?Copy !req
1465. Just one.Copy !req
1466. This is my mother.Copy !req
1467. My father owns the club downstairs.
My mother is the star.Copy !req
1468. What?Copy !req
1469. We lied to you, Barbara and I.
And everyone lied for us.Copy !req
1470. These are my parents.Copy !req
1471. This is my wife.Copy !req
1472. This is the lady who had Val.Copy !req
1473. Nice to meet you, Katharine.Copy !req
1474. Very nice, Val.Copy !req
1475. You've done a good job.Copy !req
1476. Thank you. We're very proud of him.Copy !req
1477. I don't understand.Copy !req
1478. Barbara, the nightclub downstairs,
he owns it?Copy !req
1479. He's not a cultural attaché?Copy !req
1480. No. And he isn't married to a housewife.Copy !req
1481. And their name is Goldman, not Coleman.Copy !req
1482. They're Jewish.Copy !req
1483. I don't understand.Copy !req
1484. He's a man.
They're both men.Copy !req
1485. No. You can't be Jewish.Copy !req
1486. No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.Copy !req
1487. Kevin, this is a man.Copy !req
1488. What?Copy !req
1489. Don't you see? They're gay.Copy !req
1490. They own the drag club downstairs.
They're two men.Copy !req
1491. Senator Keeley...Copy !req
1492. this may not help, but I want you
to know I meant every word I saidCopy !req
1493. about a return to family values
and a stricter moral code.Copy !req
1494. I feel like I'm insane.Copy !req
1495. It's really very simple.
Armand and I...Copy !req
1496. She called you Mother Coleman.Copy !req
1497. Kevin, nothing has changed.
It's still me.Copy !req
1498. With one... tiny difference.Copy !req
1499. Well, not tiny.Copy !req
1500. I don't understand.Copy !req
1501. I'll explain in the car.
Come on, Barbara. Let's go.Copy !req
1502. I'm not coming.Copy !req
1503. Barbara, please don't do this to me.Copy !req
1504. I may not be as vulnerable
as Mrs. Coleman...Copy !req
1505. but I still have feelings.Copy !req
1506. Somebody has to like me best.Copy !req
1507. Take it easy, Louise.
Barbara, we're leaving now.Copy !req
1508. - You're coming with us.
- Daddy, please.Copy !req
1509. I've made your mother cry.
I'm up for re-election.Copy !req
1510. We're involved in a scandal.Copy !req
1511. I'm in the home of a gay couple
who own a drag club.Copy !req
1512. You want to get married, but
how many lives must you ruin to do it?Copy !req
1513. I...Copy !req
1514. I would have liked
to have had you as my family.Copy !req
1515. I just want to say,
Mr. And Mrs., uh, Mr...Copy !req
1516. whatever your name is,
I hope this doesn't influence your vote.Copy !req
1517. Senator Keeley!Copy !req
1518. Oh, no.Copy !req
1519. Did you get him?Copy !req
1520. I would have if you
hadn't said his name.Copy !req
1521. I wanted to make him turn.Copy !req
1522. Those vultures.Copy !req
1523. Another television van just arrived.
And a car.! T says Florida Eagle.Copy !req
1524. Oh, that's just print news.Copy !req
1525. I can see the headline:
"Senator JacksonCopy !req
1526. and His Women;
Senator Keeley and His Men."Copy !req
1527. It's perfectly innocent.Copy !req
1528. You came to meet the parents of the boy
that Barbara wants to marry.Copy !req
1529. Louise, people in this country
don't care about details.Copy !req
1530. All they trust are headlines.Copy !req
1531. Well, if I can
put in my two cents,Copy !req
1532. what do they have? It's their word
against yours that you're even here.Copy !req
1533. Yes, but at some point, I'll have to
leave.Copy !req
1534. People will notice if I'm never seen
again.Copy !req
1535. Another television crew.
And they're going into the club!Copy !req
1536. Wouldn't you know it?
The one night I don't perform...Copy !req
1537. Can I get anyone some soup?Copy !req
1538. No!Copy !req
1539. - Daddy, I'm sorry.
- I know.Copy !req
1540. Senator?Copy !req
1541. - Another shot for you?
- I don't really drink.Copy !req
1542. Yeah, but...
now is the time to pretend.Copy !req
1543. Give me some candy, Louise.Copy !req
1544. Couldn't the Keeleys slip out
at the end of the show?Copy !req
1545. No, they're waiting for that.
They'd be recognized.Copy !req
1546. Not necessarily.Copy !req
1547. A big hand for our girls.Copy !req
1548. As we come to the end of our show,
you are family, too, so sing along.Copy !req
1549. Will they keep waiting?Copy !req
1550. They have to. There's no story
if they don't get him coming out.Copy !req
1551. Work it. Sell it.
Own it. Go, girlfriend.Copy !req
1552. Come on.Copy !req
1553. I've never danced with a man before.Copy !req
1554. There's always a first time.Copy !req
1555. Perdóname.Copy !req
1556. No one will dance with me.
It's this dress.Copy !req
1557. I knew white would make me look fat.Copy !req
1558. What about me? I'm as pretty
as these other guys.Copy !req
1559. - Dance?
- Not you. Barbara.Copy !req
1560. Don't go. I don't want to be
the only girl not dancing.Copy !req
1561. Just head for the door.
We'll be out of here soon.Copy !req
1562. Care to dance... baby?Copy !req
1563. Meet me in 20 minutes
at the corner of El Dorado and Palm.Copy !req
1564. Lady, not for a million dollars.Copy !req
1565. Bob Dole is gorgeous!Copy !req
1566. Which one is the mother?Copy !req
1567. I just don't know.Copy !req
1568. Mazel tov.Copy !req
1569. As a sign of your union,
you may kiss the bride.Copy !req
1570. I'm sorry.Copy !req