The Big Sick (2017)

1. Keep it going for the next performer,

2. my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.

3. Hello.

4. Um, I'll tell you about myself.

5. I grew up in Pakistan.

6. And people are always asking me,

7. "What was that like?"

8. Really not that different from here.

9. I mean, we played cricket,

10. which is just a spicier version of baseball.

11. And we prayed a lot.

12. Well, not a lot. Just five times a day.

13. And we marry someone our parents find for us,

14. arranged marriage, you know?

15. But, for me, it was probably that we got episodes

16. of Knight Rider a little bit later.

17. And by "little bit later, "

18. I mean, we just got episode two.

19. But other than that, it was exactly the same.

20. So, these are my real journals, honestly.

21. And this is the woman who wrote them.

22. Poor gal.

23. Yeah. She— She has no idea that, like,

24. giant titties are about to sprout

25. and change her life dramatically.

26. So, uh, thank you, guys...

27. There's no bad crowds, dude, only bad comedians.

28. You complain about the crowd, like, all the time.

29. Yeah, like, that's when they're really bad.

30. That's, like, 90% of the time they're really bad.

31. Look, will you just watch and give me notes tonight?

32. All right?

33. If we both give each other notes, I think it helps.

34. Your notes are just, "Add more fucks into the bit."

35. - That doesn't help anybody. - Hey, fuck's a funny word.

36. It's soft on the top, and it's hard on the end.

37. That was truly horrible.

38. - That was so bad. - What happened?

39. - Just watch. - I'll watch, give you notes.

40. - All right. Thank you. - Hey, that was great.

41. No, he didn't even crack a smile.

42. - I thought I was gonna puke. - Who?

43. Bob Dalavan.

44. Who's Bob Dalavan?

45. Bob Dalavan works for the Montreal Comedy Festival,

46. you fucking doof.

47. - He's here? - Yes.

48. Don't you want to get noticed?

49. Don't you want to move to L.A.?

50. Hang out with Elijah Wood, and shit?

51. Nobody's on stage?

52. No.

53. He might've been doing cocaine.

54. Was he doing cocaine recreationally?

55. True cokehead.

56. - Cocaine. - I wonder if he was.

57. Now, before I bring out the next guy,

58. you guys know tonight is Jell-O shot Tuesday!

59. And we all know what happens after eight Jell-O shots.

60. We urinate all over ourselves and puke.

61. Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic.

62. - Confidence. Poise. - You know this man.

63. Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!

64. Smile.

65. - Chris! - He's like if a serial killer

66. fucked an inspirational speaker.

67. He's like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he sucks.

68. I've tried his warm-up.

69. - It does not work for me. - So unsettling.

70. Just bought a laser printer.

71. Printed out, like, six lasers so far.

72. - Maybe. - Hey, DODD.

73. Uh, Dalavan's in the crowd tonight.

74. - Can I do ten? - No, five minutes.

75. You put out chairs, you do five minutes.

76. - You know the deal. - Come on, man.

77. I'll double it up next time. Come on.

78. What are you gonna do in there?

79. I'm making up next week's schedule.

80. Okay, cool.

81. I was in bed with my girlfriend,

82. and I was trying to mansplain to her that, you know, we...

83. We are on one little rock orbiting one star in a galaxy

84. of a billion stars in a universe...

85. full of a billion galaxies.

86. You know, so I forgot your birthday.

87. Who gives a shit?

88. Like, you are cosmically overreacting to this.

89. Honestly, you are being super selfish.

90. You're right, but you're selfish.

91. Hey.

92. Have you guys heard of this drug cocktail called cheese?

93. Uh, I saw these news reports, so I looked up what cheese is,

94. and cheese is a mixture.

95. Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin.

96. So, really, it's heroin.

97. Heroin's doing the heavy lifting.

98. Just do the heroin. It's very powerful.

99. You already have heroin.

100. Is Pakistan in the house?

101. Really? You're not from Pakistan.

102. I would've noticed you.

103. - Are you kidding me? - Mmm.

104. He just gave you Montreal? Like, you don't have to

105. showcase or audition or anything?

106. No. It was too easy, almost.

107. Like, I wanted to struggle. I wanted— I wanted a story

108. to be able to tell on talk shows,

109. and instead, like...

110. You guys don't know how tough it is not to struggle.

111. It's— It's a struggle succeeding effortlessly.

112. - Did he say anything about me? - Sure.

113. - What about me? - He... They, both of you.

114. He said, "Those guys performed."

115. I truly hate you, actually.

116. We all hate you.

117. - Hi. - Hi.

118. - Hello. - Um, my name's Kumail.

119. Yeah, we know.

120. Yeah, we saw you perform.

121. Now that the niceties are out of the way, um,

122. I have to tell you that when you yelled at me,

123. it really threw me off,

124. and, uh, you really shouldn't heckle comedians.

125. It's so rude.

126. I didn't heckle you.

127. I just whoo-hoo'd you. It was supportive.

128. Okay, that's a common misconception.

129. But yelling anything at a comedian

130. is considered heckling.

131. Heckling doesn't have to be negative.

132. So, if I— If I yelled out, like,

133. "You're amazing in bed!"

134. That'd be a heckle?

135. Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle.

136. - Cool. - Whoa.

137. Bye.

138. - Oh. - Don't go.

139. - No, you can... - I'm going.

140. You scared my friend off now.

141. What's your name?

142. Emily.

143. Emily. Here...

144. I want to show you something, Emily.

145. This is your name in Urdu.

146. Oh.

147. Does this move work?

148. I've had some minor success with it.

149. Bullshit.

150. So, you just came to a comedy show

151. with your friends?

152. Yeah. We're all grad students at the University of Chicago.

153. What are you studying at grad school?

154. I study psychology. I'm going to be a therapist.

155. Oh, so you're gonna sit on a couch, and, like,

156. ask people, like, "How does that make you feel?"

157. I mean, eventually, yeah.

158. Right now I'm just doing fieldwork

159. with this group of guys

160. who are convicted of domestic violence.

161. - Jesus. Oh, wow. - Cheers to that.

162. No, don't cheers to that. To you being a therapist.

163. Great. To me getting my master's.

164. We'll start there, and then we'll go to the rest of it.

165. So, my roommate Chris is probably on the couch.

166. He's gonna want to try and start a conversation.

167. So, do not engage.

168. Okay.

169. Let's go.

170. - Hey, pals. - Hey.

171. Hi.

172. Good for him. Good for him.

173. Do you want to watch a movie?

174. - Sure. - Okay.

175. Should I just, like, put my stuff down or...

176. Yeah, I would say it's safe. You know what?

177. That area's... Go for that area.

178. I cleaned that earlier this year, so...

179. Should I take my shoes off or is this a shoes-on bed?

180. No, it's a shoes-off bed.

181. I have... I have strict rules.

182. Cool. Cool.

183. Oh, wow.

184. That is totally, uh, an inflated mattress.

185. Yeah. Well, did you think it was gonna be

186. a flat, inflatable mattress?

187. I did think it might be an actual mattress,

188. but you know.

189. Well, air mattresses are actual mattresses.

190. You're being bigoted...

191. - Okay. Uh-huh. - ... towards air-based...

192. Uh-huh.

193. - Towards air-based mattresses? - ... comfort items.

194. Night of the Living Dead?

195. Sure, I haven't ever seen that movie.

196. Okay, so, basically, the dead start rising.

197. - Mmm-hmm. - And the good guys, um...

198. Text Lauren.

199. You up, girl?

200. No, fuck, no.

201. What do you want to say to Warren?

202. She...

203. What do you want to say to...

204. You up, period.

205. Send.

206. That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.

207. Fuck. No.

208. What are these scars?

209. Oh, they're, uh, smallpox vaccination.

210. I thought only old people had those.

211. Well, I'm from Pakistan,

212. and we're still fighting some battles

213. you guys have already won.

214. What were you like in high school?

215. Were you, like, super funny?

216. Were you really smart?

217. Were you...

218. I was very shy.

219. They called me Chashmullee.

220. What is that?

221. It roughly translates to "dweeb."

222. I'll show you a picture.

223. Of you in high school? Oh, my God.

224. - Boom. - No.

225. And I'm thinking I'm killing it right now.

226. - What inspired this haircut? - Hugh Grant.

227. - No. - Yeah.

228. - Oh, no. - Big fan.

229. - And you're so serious, too. - Okay.

230. I read an interview with Hugh Grant.

231. - He said he doesn't smile. - No. That's not real.

232. 'Cause it makes his face look fat, so I didn't...

233. I didn't smile in pictures for many years.

234. What were you like in high school?

235. Um...

236. Were you, like, voted, like, most sexy?

237. No. I was voted most noticeable.

238. - That's good. - No, it's really not good.

239. I, uh, had acne, and I was a goth, and...

240. I had this terrible perm.

241. Um, yeah, the kids called me Beetlejuice.

242. I don't know why.

243. Actually, I do know why.

244. It's because they thought I looked like Beetlejuice.

245. I think I'm done with this subject.

246. In fact, I think I'm gonna go home.

247. Wait, wait. We haven't even had sex again yet.

248. Yeah, I'm just not that kind of girl.

249. I only have sex once on the first date.

250. - Wow. - Plus a hand job.

251. Okay, well, I haven't had that, so...

252. You don't get that because you made fun of me.

253. What is happening? What are you doing?

254. I'm changing under this blanket.

255. I've seen everything. Do you remember?

256. We were just having sex.

257. Yeah, but we were, like, in the throes of passion then,

258. and...

259. Listen, I had a really nice time.

260. Thank you very much.

261. I'm just gonna, like, call an Uber, go home,

262. and I hope...

263. Just...

264. Your driver will be ready

265. as soon as he puts on his pants.

266. Were you available for rides while we were fucking?

267. Yeah, but I only looked a couple times.

268. So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you at the club sometime,

269. and we can grab a drink?

270. Um, I'm not...

271. I know this sounds like a line,

272. but I'm not really, like...

273. I'm not really dating right now. I just...

274. I've got a lot of school and work and...

275. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just a lot on my plate.

276. Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.

277. That's perfect 'cause I'm not...

278. dating right now, either.

279. - Okay. - Yeah.

280. And I actually have a pretty strict two-day rule

281. where I can't see someone more than two days in a row.

282. So, since we hung out for two days,

283. even if I were to see you again,

284. which I won't 'cause you're not dating,

285. I'm not dating,

286. I wouldn't be able to see you till Monday.

287. We haven't hung out for two days.

288. We've hung out for about five hours.

289. - Yeah, but... - Just to be totally clear.

290. Yesterday and today 'cause it's after midnight.

291. So, today is actually tomorrow,

292. earlier tonight was yesterday, so two days.

293. You see, I don't date time-nerds,

294. so that really takes you off the table.

295. That works out

296. 'cause I am a hardcore time-nerd.

297. Yeah, I can tell.

298. I'm, like, very strict about a.m./p.m. stuff and...

299. So, wait. So, just to establish,

300. what did we decide?

301. We decided we aren't ever gonna see each other again.

302. Great.

303. I'm glad we're on the same page.

304. Look at my jeans, Kumi.

305. They're from Citizens of Humanity.

306. - That's the brand's name. - Oh.

307. They're so soft. Touch them.

308. I don't want to touch your jeans.

309. - Come on, touch them. - I'll touch them.

310. They're like sweatpants, you know.

311. You should be stylish like your father, you know.

312. It's not very difficult. Just observe me.

313. - Get some Daddy style. - Yeah.

314. Kumi, why don't you grow a beard?

315. Not like Naveed's, just a small one.

316. - Not like his. - Maybe like mine.

317. Small, cool, and stylish.

318. Kumi, I've been thinking.

319. You know, why you don't enroll for LSAT now?

320. Yeah, sorry, Ma, I haven't done it yet.

321. I like that you bring it up

322. as if you've never brought it up before.

323. How's the stand-up coming, Bhai?

324. It's going fine. Thank you.

325. Yeah, since when are you someone to stand up?

326. You know who I think should stand up is Malala.

327. - She has something to say. - Malala, yeah.

328. - Ooh, I love Malala. - She has something to say.

329. - Malala. - Yeah. I know.

330. She does open mics, and she crushes.

331. A lot of ethnic material, which I think is a crutch,

332. and that one story gets a lot of play, but...

333. You should be on that show

334. - Saturday Night Live. - SNL.

335. That's a great idea. I should e-mail them.

336. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that.

337. You know, I hacked into your cousin

338. Rehan's Facebook account.

339. - You hacked into it? - Oh.

340. Yeah, they were not accepting my friends request,

341. - so I had to hack into it... - Okay.

342. and I discovered that he and that white woman

343. that he's living with are having a baby.

344. - They're married. - Yeah, whatever.

345. And then I hacked into Tumblr, and I discovered that

346. they have named the baby Da-vé.

347. - Can you imagine? - Dave.

348. - Dave? - It's probably Dave.

349. Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.

350. - Nobody's named Da-vé. - It's very, very, very sad.

351. No one is going to visit that baby, and that baby,

352. mark my words, will grow up without a family.

353. It's like he's dead or worse.

354. It is very sad. Kumi,

355. go and pray now, so then we can eat ice cream. Go.

356. - Go. Please, go. - Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.

357. Hurry up, Bhai. Ice cream.

358. And then we'll eat ice cream.

359. Stop, stop. Janamaz is downstairs. Go.

360. Stop.

361. What is this?

362. I don't know, I think—

363. My mother used to make best kulfi.

364. - Your grandmother. - Oh, yeah?

365. I think ice cream is better than kulfi.

366. No, no, no.

367. Oh. I wonder who that could be.

368. - Yeah. - Let me check. I don't know.

369. I'm guessing it's a young, single Pakistani woman

370. who just happened to be driving by our house,

371. which is on a cul-de-sac.

372. - Well... - And I'm also guessing

373. that the phrase "dropped in"

374. will be said in the next ten seconds.

375. - Ten. - Ten, nine...

376. - ... eight, seven... - Quiet.

377. Everyone, this is Zubeida.

378. - She just dropped in. - Salaam.

379. - Come, please. Sit. - Mmm.

380. Oh, here, Kumail, for your files.

381. - Thank you. - Your X-Files because...

382. - Thank you. - ... that's your favorite show.

383. Huh?

384. Thank you so much.

385. "The truth is out there."

386. - Uh-huh. - It's from the show.

387. Thank you.

388. - Thank you. Yeah. - Bye.

389. - Bye. - I hope you come back.

390. Kumi, there's not just going to be a magic spark, okay?

391. You have to work at it. You have to stay open.

392. - Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah. - Okay. Good.

393. I just wish you were better at it, you know?

394. I mean, you've had so much practice, and you're still...

395. - You're not that good at it. - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

396. Brought your A-game with NAVEED,

397. but with me, you're just phoning it in a little bit.

398. Again with the comedy, the comedy.

399. All the time with the comedy. Be serious sometimes.

400. I am serious. I want to help you get better.

401. So, are you ever gonna let me sit in the front seat?

402. No, I'm a professional,

403. and you're paying for this ride.

404. I don't want to pay for this ride.

405. It's surging right now.

406. Yeah. Sorry.

407. You shouldn't have typed in the number.

408. Okay, the year is 1969.

409. MGM has had a string of failures,

410. so it turns to its most bankable star, Vincent Price.

411. Is this your compatibility test?

412. Like the way some people are with Vonnegut or Big Lebowski?

413. No, just watch the movie and take it seriously

414. - because it's very serious. - I'm gonna love it.

415. I love it when men test me on my taste.

416. I just want to share this movie with you,

417. so I don't know why you're reading into...

418. How many women have you showed this movie to?

419. Zero.

420. How many women have you shown a "B" horror movie to

421. on, like, a third date?

422. This is not a "B" horror movie.

423. Okay, are you ready?

424. Just close your eyes 'cause when the menu comes on,

425. there's some spoilers in the menu.

426. - Okay? - I'm ready, I'm ready.

427. Okay, I'll hit play.

428. Okay, go.

429. Watch.

430. - I'm watching. - Shh.

431. Watch this part.

432. - No. - What?

433. If you're tired, we can watch it later.

434. Sorry. Just have that weird, like,

435. yawning thing that happens

436. when you're watching a really boring film.

437. It's not boring. Just wait for it to kick in.

438. - The plot kicks in really soon. - Okay.

439. Your loss. Nine times nine.

440. Nine killed you.

441. That was fun.

442. Uh, thanks for the ride home, but we got to stop doing this.

443. - Yeah. - I know I've said that before,

444. but I really do mean it.

445. I can't be doing this right now.

446. I know, I know. Totally. 100 percent.

447. I agree with you.

448. - So, don't call me again. - I won't.

449. I promise.

450. Good luck on all your future endeavors.

451. Oh, yeah, thank you.

452. Hey, can we have an awkward hug

453. before we part forever?

454. - Okay. - Okay.

455. Uh...

456. - Bye. - Bye.

457. Uh, you just promised never to call me again, so...

458. It's really cold out here.

459. It's so cold.

460. You make a pretty good point.

461. It is a lot warmer in here.

462. It is warmer in here.

463. You know, it's really nice upstairs.

464. Is it?

465. Whoa... Whoa!

466. What are you doing? Okay.

467. Just trying to get comfy.

468. Oh, let me see. Who could that be?

469. Oh, I wonder who that could be.

470. Uncle.

471. Oh, let me see who is that.

472. Emily, so has Kumail told you

473. that in addition to being an Uber driver,

474. he also has a one-man show?

475. No, he did not tell me that.

476. - Do you really? - Oh, it's really nothing.

477. It's just something I'm fiddling around with.

478. How is a one-man show different from stand-up?

479. - It's really not. - I guess it's because

480. there's lots of, like, wigs and costume changes.

481. And there's a lot of acting in it.

482. Mmm. And then, like, at the end of it,

483. you've got this very awkward conversation where you go,

484. "I really liked it."

485. But I thought you really liked it.

486. I really liked it.

487. - I can't wait to see this show. - Oh, yeah.

488. Okay, you will never see the show because it's...

489. - Oh, you have to see it. - You have to.

490. - It's not ready. It's not... - You have to...

491. - You will love the acting. - You have to see it.

492. They're fucking with you. It's not really like this.

493. They're fucking with me or with you?

494. It's actually very significant.

495. It seems like they're fucking with you.

496. I'm 12 years old, and this...

497. This is home.

498. Feels like I never left.

499. Do you smell that?

500. That's my mom cooking the murgh rogan josh.

501. - Fuck. - Do you hear that?

502. That's my father watching cricket on the telly.

503. Do you feel that?

504. That's the weight of Pakistan's history.

505. Pakistan was formed when it separated

506. from its biggest rival, India, on August 14th, 1947.

507. Six runs.

508. Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket.

509. Mid-wicket. Deep mid-wicket.

510. Mid on. Long on. Long off. Bowler. Mid off.

511. A googly is when a...

512. I have to leave as soon as the show's over.

513. - I can't stay. Okay. - Okay.

514. So, if you get a silly mid-on fielder,

515. you know you're getting a yorker soon.

516. So, to review, Pakistan's biggest exports

517. - are cotton and... - Concrete.

518. - Kill me. - That's right.

519. Eid Mubarak. That's our Christmas.

520. Except instead of the traditional Christmas ham,

521. we serve mithai,

522. which my khansamah, Chris, will serve to you right now.

523. Khansamah is Urdu for "servant."

524. If you want to make it at home,

525. the main ingredients are condensed milk,

526. sugar, and love.

527. At least, that was my mom's recipe.

528. Hey, you look like a children's toy from Malaysia.

529. Now would you all please rise

530. for the Pakistani national anthem?

531. Pak sarzamin shad bad

532. Kishwar-I hasin shad bad

533. Hey.

534. Hey. So, what'd you think?

535. - Um, I thought it was great. - Yeah?

536. I never knew that Pakistan

537. had the world's largest irrigation system.

538. Yeah, something like 14 million hectares

539. are being irrigated.

540. Like, as soon as I read that, I was like,

541. "Oh, that's going in the show."

542. - Totally. - Hi, Emily.

543. - Hey. - Hi, guys.

544. Hey. Dude, that was... You were in the zone, man.

545. That was... That was the best one we've seen.

546. Yeah, that was so honest and good.

547. And you know what I realized halfway through?

548. - You're from Pakistan. - Yes.

549. - Cool, good to see you, Emily. - Yes. Okay, bye, guys.

550. - Great. Bye, guys. - Keep up the...

551. - They seemed to like it. - They're so nice.

552. So, really, what'd you think? Like, it's a work in progress.

553. I really liked it. I learned a lot about Pakistan

554. and cricket, all those positions.

555. But I just wish that I had learned more about you.

556. - Does that make any sense? - Yeah.

557. - Hey. - Oh, hi.

558. It's 3:00 a.m.

559. Is that, uh, diner around the corner open?

560. It's 24 hours.

561. Why, you want an old lemon meringue pie?

562. You're so funny.

563. No, actually, um, I just, I really need to, um,

564. get a cup of coffee.

565. I can make you coffee.

566. I love diner coffee. I just love that burnt taste.

567. All right, I'll come with you.

568. No, no, no, no, no. No, why would you do that?

569. It's a bad neighborhood.

570. I'm not gonna let you go on your own.

571. - Why? 'Cause I'm a woman? - Okay.

572. Seriously, that's the most misogynous thing

573. I've ever heard.

574. - Why are you being so weird? - Fuck you.

575. - I'm not being weird. - You're being so weird.

576. You're being weird. You're being so weird.

577. How am I weird? I want to sleep

578. - while it's sleep time. - This is normal.

579. Girls go to get coffee in the middle of the night.

580. Have you never had a girlfriend before?

581. - This is what it's like. - Are you okay?

582. Everything is not okay. Everything is not good.

583. Hey, hey, hey. You could tell me anything,

584. you know that, right?

585. You could tell me anything.

586. I have to take a shit, okay?

587. I have to take a huge, fucking dookie.

588. I can't poo in your bathroom

589. because you don't have any matches,

590. and you don't have any air freshener.

591. What kind of person doesn't have any matches

592. or air freshener in the bathroom?

593. The walls are so thin, and Chris is right out there.

594. Please, stop laughing. Please, please, please.

595. Okay. I have an idea.

596. Hey. How are you?

597. I do not want to talk about it.

598. Watch and learn, Bhai.

599. It's all about shifting the weight and the torque.

600. Oh, Christ.

601. Oh. Okay.

602. Hey, you're like a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.

603. There you go, honey. Yeah. That's it.

604. He's pretty good. Just do what he's doing.

605. Okay, great.

606. Mine.

607. Come on, man, just let me...

608. Mine. Mine, mine, mine, thank you.

609. - Why do you get the Chana? - You go on that... No.

610. Mmm.

611. This cookie's really good.

612. They're biscuits. Listen to yourself.

613. You hardly sound Pakistani.

614. "Cookies."

615. Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

616. Such a burger.

617. - I'm not a burger. - Yes, you're a burger.

618. - I'm not a burger. - You're a big, fat burger.

619. And biscuit is actually a British term.

620. Oh, thank you for all the information

621. I don't give a shit about.

622. And you should listen to Mom and grow a beard.

623. Gets really itchy. I've tried.

624. - It's all patchy. - Oh, is it itchy?

625. - I know I sound like a baby. - Well, try being a man

626. and conditioning like I do.

627. What's the whole thing with Muslims

628. growing beards, anyway?

629. It's such an arbitrary thing, right?

630. Like, who decided that, "Oh, we have to have beards."

631. Oh. But you'll do... So, there's a billion of us,

632. and you're the only one with the truth.

633. Is that right?

634. So, the sun is just shining down on you right now.

635. It's just parting.

636. You know, I have to tell you something, Bhai.

637. Here we go. Yeah.

638. I've been dating this girl.

639. - She's white. - Oh.

640. I thought you were gonna say

641. you were involved in a hit-and-run

642. or you got caught forging some checks,

643. but a white girl?

644. I mean, that's such a cliché.

645. It's okay, and we hate terrorists.

646. - It's... - Just... sorry.

647. Listen, I understand. You're in America,

648. and you want to mow a few lawns

649. and see what it's like, but...

650. Eventually, you have to marry a Pakistani girl.

651. Like...

652. Like, I hung out with other girls,

653. but then I married Fatima.

654. And we hardly spoke two words to each other

655. in the first few months, but now, Kumi,

656. - she's like my best friend. - I know.

657. You have to break up with her immediately.

658. If I find someone who's as good for me

659. as Fatima is for you,

660. Mom would understand, right?

661. I mean, she wouldn't love me less.

662. Oh, she'd definitely love you less.

663. Slowly, it'd sort of...

664. What's the word when guys stop returning girl's calls?

665. - Ghosting? - Yes.

666. You have to end it now, or Mom will fucking ghost you.

667. Now, come on.

668. Batting.

669. I am getting, like, a lot of bright fruit.

670. I'd say it's very fruit-forward.

671. Mmm-hmm. It tastes like grape juice that's gone bad.

672. - Like... - Yeah.

673. Why do you know so much about wine?

674. Um, because,

675. uh...

676. I was pretty unhappy in my first marriage,

677. and I drank a lot,

678. and, uh, one way to cover drinking a lot is to just,

679. like, know a lot about wine.

680. Wait. I'm sorry. What did you just say?

681. That knowing a lot about wine covers for drinking a lot.

682. Uh, no, I mean the huge piece of information

683. that you're trying to just blow right past.

684. Yeah. Yeah, I was married.

685. - You were married? - Um... I was.

686. I was married.

687. Do you want to talk about something else or...

688. Yeah, 'cause I don't really have any questions.

689. - No. - Other than...

690. When did you get married? When did you get divorced?

691. What's his name? How tall is he?

692. Did you love him?

693. I guess I have a couple questions.

694. Uh-huh.

695. Um, his name was— is Ryan.

696. We met in college.

697. Everyone I knew was getting married super young,

698. so we did, and, um, one day I was at a restaurant,

699. and I saw this couple making out.

700. And I thought,

701. "Huh. I don't think about my husband like that.

702. "But that's okay."

703. And then another part of my brain was like,

704. "No, that's not okay. This is your life."

705. I feel like this is freaking you out.

706. - Is this freaking you out? - It's not freaking me out.

707. I don't want to put pressure on you.

708. And I know it's only been a few months,

709. but I just wanted to tell you, I...

710. am... overwhelmed by you.

711. It's the last thing I was expecting.

712. This is also the last thing I was expecting.

713. And I also feel completely overwhelmed by you.

714. - That's a weird thing to say. - Why?

715. I just said what you said, exactly what you said.

716. Yeah, it wasn't weird when I said it.

717. - No... - It's okay.

718. So, listen, my parents are going

719. - to be in town this weekend. - Oh, that's great.

720. Will you maybe want to come and meet them for lunch?

721. Oh, we can't 'cause of the two-day rule, right?

722. Well, you'll come to Mary's party Friday night, right?

723. And then we'll probably spend the night,

724. so I won't be able to see you till Monday, so...

725. Okay. Well, I would love to meet your parents.

726. They live in the city, right?

727. Well, they live in the suburbs,

728. and, uh, you know,

729. I don't really see them very much.

730. Have they asked about me?

731. - What do they think? - Oh, um...

732. Do they... Do they want to meet me?

733. My parents want to meet you.

734. Of course, of course. They're dying to meet you.

735. - Ow. Oh, my God. - Whoa, you okay?

736. - Yep. - What happened?

737. - Do you... - Totally fine.

738. Do you need...

739. No, I think I just tweaked my ankle.

740. assistance?

741. I took this stupid hip-hop dance class last weekend.

742. You should get it looked at. Do you want ice?

743. - I don't need anything. - I can get you a bag of ice.

744. Look, I'm walking on it. I'm totally fine.

745. - I can carry you. - Kumail, seriously, stop.

746. I can carry you the rest of the day.

747. Stop.

748. Hey, I liked your friends.

749. That Craig guy?

750. Or was it Greg?

751. You know, I can never tell with those names.

752. I'm glad I like him 'cause I don't want have to, like,

753. come up with excuses to avoid him, you know?

754. Like... Like, "Oh, no. I have kite-surfing tonight."

755. You know, in the UK, Craig is pronounced Crayg,

756. which is good 'cause that's how it's written, right?

757. Anyway, he's a great guy.

758. I was gonna tell you about that.

759. Are you judging Pakistan's Next Top Model or something?

760. - No. - Seriously.

761. - Who are these women? - Okay, um...

762. You know how we have arranged marriage in my culture?

763. These are those women.

764. These are women in Pakistan who want to marry you?

765. They're not in Pakistan.

766. You've met these women?

767. Just with my parents and stuff, but we haven't, like...

768. But you're not serious about this, are you?

769. It's my mom's thing. I just go along with it.

770. So, what does your mom think about you and me then?

771. She doesn't know about me, does she?

772. No.

773. - Emily, just... - Fuck!

774. Five fucking months of red flags.

775. Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

776. You ducking my parents.

777. Oh, my God, the two-day rule.

778. No, that had nothing to do with it.

779. Seriously. Red flag after red flag.

780. You're such a liar. You lied to me.

781. You lied to your parents.

782. And those are just the people you like.

783. Is there someone that you're not lying to?

784. I'd love to meet them because then I could tell them

785. - what a fucking liar you are! - You know what?

786. You didn't tell me about your divorce until recently.

787. So, you were hiding fucking something, too.

788. My divorce does not mean that our future is impossible.

789. It actually means the direct opposite.

790. I'm not hiding anything from you. Okay?

791. I'm an open fucking book.

792. You want to know what's in my cigar box?

793. Stickers.

794. Stickers and stamps.

795. Aren't you a therapist? Aren't you supposed to be good

796. - at handling this kind of... - Where are my fucking shoes?

797. Aren't you supposed to be, like, able to deal with this

798. better than you are right now?

799. I am expressing myself!

800. You know what we call arranged marriage in Pakistan, Emily?

801. Marriage. Okay? We just call it marriage.

802. There's another type of marriage.

803. It's called love marriage, and that's bad.

804. My cousin Rehan married an Irish woman,

805. and he was kicked out of the family.

806. Nobody is allowed to talk to him.

807. Why didn't you tell me any of this?

808. Because I didn't think you'd fucking understand,

809. and I was fucking right.

810. You don't think that I could

811. fathom your life in any fucking way?

812. Oh, you think you could understand me?

813. I'm fighting a 1,400-year-old culture.

814. You were ugly in high school.

815. There's a big fucking difference.

816. I'm sorry.

817. I can't lose my family.

818. Can you imagine a world in w...

819. In which we end up together?

820. I don't know.

821. I have to go.

822. Don't fucking call me.

823. Multigrain, pumpernickel,

824. pita bread, hot dog bun, croutons.

825. I can't eat any of it.

826. I don't want kids.

827. People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it.

828. "This kid... You're gonna have a kid,

829. "he's gonna be your best friend."

830. A best friend that...

831. that pukes on you and shits everywhere

832. and is constantly screaming.

833. I already have friends like that.

834. People say, "Sam..."

835. I know you're bummed, all right, but, like...

836. Emily's a good person. I'm not saying she's not.

837. All I'm saying is, this is the universe

838. telling you, "Seize your moment.

839. "Be a little selfish and pursue your career."

840. Bob Dalavan's gonna be here on Thursday.

841. If you get the Montreal Comedy Festival,

842. it would change things for you.

843. You don't want to get stuck in Chicago, right?

844. You don't want to end up like Sam Highsmith,

845. who's been doing the "People say Sam" bit

846. since '03.

847. I don't like kids.

848. - People say, "Sam..." - See?

849. - Is that what you want? - It's like...

850. Is that what you want for your life?

851. It's amazing. And it's the same material.

852. - What do people say? - Sam.

853. - People say what? - Sam.

854. I'm Sam Highsmith. Thank you very much.

855. You know what, I'm gonna tell him...

856. - He's a hack. - ... how I feel about it.

857. - Fucking tell him. - Never writes anything new.

858. - I'm gonna tell him... - It's fucking bullshit.

859. - Great set, dude. - I'm feeling it, bro.

860. - Killing me, man. - Crushing. Love the new stuff.

861. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

862. We're weak. We're weak.

863. I wouldn't call it an obsession,

864. but I'm pretty good at magic.

865. Yeah.

866. Can you make his belly disappear?

867. - Oh. - Come on.

868. I'm too happy with my belly.

869. Does anyone have a dollar?

870. - I will give you something. - Okay.

871. Twenty? Big spender.

872. All right. Andrew Jackson.

873. Don't you think he would look cool

874. with a pair of sunglasses?

875. Yeah, I really...

876. - Okay. Mmm. - Okay.

877. - Oh, he's... Okay. - Right?

878. - Okay, stylish. - Yes. Mmm-hmm.

879. Okay.

880. And now we sprinkle the magic dust on.

881. Just a little bit.

882. Yeah, you can't do it without the magic dust. Yeah.

883. No, yeah, I need it. All right.

884. - Abracadabra. - Okay.

885. - Watching carefully. - Mmm-hmm.

886. That is amazing.

887. And he does look better with glasses.

888. - Right? - He does.

889. How did you do that?

890. Oh, no, a magician never reveals her tricks.

891. Here's your 20 back, Mr. Nanjiani.

892. Do you think I can use this $20 bill now to buy something?

893. It look better now, right?

894. I was watching this monster movie with my friend.

895. And he turned to me, and he was like,

896. "What would you do in that situation?"

897. I'm never gonna be one of the last guys alive.

898. I'm gonna be the first guy to die.

899. I die so the other characters get to find out

900. that something weird's going on.

901. I go off alone to find the cat.

902. I never even find out that there were monsters.

903. To me, the plot of the movie was we're at a research facility

904. and the cat's missing!

905. The end.

906. Denise, this...

907. is your name in Urdu.

908. Wow, that is so cool.

909. - Kumail? - Hey.

910. - Hey, Bob Dalavan. - Yeah. I know you.

911. Some very interesting premises in your set tonight.

912. - Oh, thanks. - Yeah.

913. I just wanted you to know. I'm about to take off.

914. But you made it to the finals for the Montreal showcase.

915. Oh, my God. Thank you.

916. - You, too, Mary. - Oh!

917. - Okay. - Okay.

918. So we'll see you guys up there.

919. - Yeah. - We'll be in touch.

920. - Well, what about C-Dog? - Who's that?

921. Uh, me. What about me?

922. Oh, you know what?

923. Funny stuff, okay?

924. I'll walk you out.

925. Hey, do you want to go somewhere?

926. Yeah, let's go somewhere.

927. Hello?

928. Kumail, it's Jessie.

929. Hey. Who?

930. Jessie. I'm in school with Emily.

931. Listen, Emily's in the hospital.

932. She has a really bad flu or something.

933. What?

934. Could you just go, please?

935. We need someone there. We have exams tomorrow,

936. so nobody else can go.

937. She's still in the ER.

938. Could you just go and sit with her,

939. and then drive her home, please?

940. I was there for as long as I could,

941. but I had to leave.

942. Hi. I'm looking for Emily Gardner.

943. Um... Emily Gardner. She was checked in...

944. Hey.

945. What are you doing here?

946. Um, Jessie called me

947. and wanted me to make sure you were okay.

948. - So how are you doing? - Fine.

949. I'm totally fine. Never been better.

950. A 1,000% fine.

951. Just, like, fainted a little at work.

952. I didn't have breakfast this morning.

953. Breakfast, the most important meal of the day.

954. You know that.

955. Ms. Gardner, your room will be ready soon, okay?

956. Oh, no, no, actually, I would just love to go home

957. and sleep in my own bed.

958. Sir, can you step outside for a moment, please?

959. If you want to stay, you have to go to the security desk

960. and get a pass.

961. All right. Where is the security desk?

962. It's downstairs,

963. exactly where you walked in at the security desk.

964. The security desk is at the security desk. Got it.

965. Can I get you something?

966. Water? Juice? Coffee?

967. May I speak with you for a second?

968. I'll be right back.

969. There's a massive infection in her lungs,

970. and all her vitals are elevated.

971. Does she have HIV?

972. What? No. I mean, she...

973. - Are you her husband? - No.

974. Oh, we need to intubate her immediately.

975. I need a family member to sign this.

976. So I'm gonna ask you again, are you her husband?

977. What does, uh, "intubate" mean?

978. We have to put her on a respirator, and to do that,

979. we need to put her in a medically-induced coma.

980. - Coma? - Yes.

981. To stabilize her so we can work on the infection.

982. And it needs to happen right now.

983. So, I'm gonna ask you one last time,

984. are you her husband?

985. What's going on?

986. - What's going on? - You're gonna be okay.

987. - Just relax and... - Where are you taking me?

988. You should call her family.

989. Sorry.

990. Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,

991. this is Kumail, Emily's friend.

992. Uh, sorry to call you so late.

993. Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.

994. Just want to get that taken care of. She's fine.

995. Um, she is at City View Hospital in Chicago

996. in a medically-induced coma,

997. but the doctors say that all...

998. Yes, I did say "coma."

999. Hey. I'm Kumail.

1000. We know who you are, Kumail.

1001. Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

1002. the doctors would like to see you now.

1003. I'll be right back.

1004. Uh, listen, the doctor will be here any minute.

1005. She's just running a little late.

1006. Don't read anything into this being the bereavement room.

1007. It's the only room we had available.

1008. - Okay. Thank you. Okay. - Okay.

1009. - Terry, Terry, I— I— - It's—

1010. - It's driving me insane. - Yes, I know, I know,

1011. but it makes me feel better.

1012. I just...

1013. Hello. No. Please sit. Please sit.

1014. I'm Dr. Cunningham, Emily's attending.

1015. I'll be coordinating all the doctors

1016. and orchestrating her treatment strategy.

1017. All the doctors? How many are there?

1018. - Five. - Five?

1019. Why so many? I mean, is that— is that normal?

1020. Yes. It's standard for patients in the ICU.

1021. We come at it from many angles, we confer...

1022. After assessing her,

1023. we immediately initiated orotracheal intubation.

1024. Thankfully, it hasn't affected her heart at this point.

1025. We don't know the exact nature of the infection yet,

1026. but we got her on a broad spectrum of antibiotics.

1027. battling critical infection

1028. centering around the costodiaphragmatic recess.

1029. Our theory is methicillin-resistant

1030. staphylococcus aureus.

1031. Staphyl... Hold on. That's a "P"?

1032. Yeah.

1033. That's an "F" or a "P-H"?

1034. P-H. No. It's staphylococcus...

1035. That was very reassuring, wasn't it?

1036. Apparently, there are good and bad comas,

1037. and the kind that they put her in,

1038. the medically-induced coma, are definitely, like,

1039. the good kind of coma.

1040. Like... You know how there are good and bad carbs?

1041. Gremlins. Those can be good or bad.

1042. Listen, Kumail... Uh...

1043. We're gonna handle things from here, okay?

1044. You've been very helpful.

1045. Thank you for... For signing the thing, and...

1046. Yeah, my pleasure.

1047. But, uh, you can go now.

1048. - Okay. Um... - All right?

1049. All right.

1050. Peace in the Mideast.

1051. What about this?

1052. I saw a sniffer dog at the airport.

1053. He had a boner.

1054. Does that mean drugs or bombs?

1055. That's good. What if...

1056. What if instead of it being at the airport,

1057. you quit comedy and never do comedy ever again?

1058. Yeah.

1059. Fuck you! It's a good bit.

1060. That's a funny bit.

1061. Just for the sake of the public that they wouldn't have

1062. to look at your face or hear your words. That's...

1063. Hey, it's okay that I'm not there, right?

1064. Like... I don't need to be there, right?

1065. What's up? What happened?

1066. He put his girlfriend in a coma.

1067. - Yeah. - Yeah.

1068. - You know, the way you do. - She's not my girlfriend.

1069. He didn't, but he signed

1070. a paper that allowed doctors to put...

1071. He suggested it.

1072. She's gonna be fine.

1073. She's gonna be fine. They said she's gonna be fine, so...

1074. They're gonna be fine. Doctors know medical stuff.

1075. Mmm-hmm.

1076. That's what doctors do. They're good at medical stuff.

1077. This is a medically-induced coma.

1078. This is their specialty.

1079. Maybe.

1080. You know, it might be a good thing.

1081. Like, she might wake up with a new skill.

1082. Like, my cousin, uh, blacked out once, and then,

1083. when he came to, he thought he knew a different language.

1084. - Did he? - No. Apparently, it was...

1085. It was just gibberish that he made up.

1086. It was brain damage.

1087. I got another Taco Bell one.

1088. Did you forget somethin'?

1089. - Is she up yet? - No, she's not.

1090. And, uh, they won't tell us anything.

1091. We've been here all morning.

1092. I know you guys said that you don't need me to stay,

1093. but I think I'm just gonna wait anyway.

1094. You guys broke up.

1095. I'm not sure why you're here.

1096. You don't have to worry

1097. about being committed to anything, Kumail.

1098. You didn't want to when she was awake.

1099. There's no need to do it when she's unconscious.

1100. It's more complicated than that.

1101. Is it? 'Cause I know about the two-day rule.

1102. I know about the head shots and the secrets.

1103. She tells us everything.

1104. You really don't have to stay, Kumail.

1105. You have already done a lot.

1106. I'm just gonna stay for a second.

1107. Is this seat— Okay.

1108. Is... Is that lady still looking at me?

1109. Oh. Hey.

1110. Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado.

1111. Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado.

1112. Yeah.

1113. Yeah, come on. There's no reason, uh...

1114. Should eat there by yourself, right, hon?

1115. It's a free country.

1116. How's your sandwich?

1117. Best fuckin' sandwich I ever had.

1118. Mine's good.

1119. Tuna's always a gamble, but,

1120. you know, we're not by the water.

1121. Well, we are by the water. But it's a lake.

1122. There's no tuna in the lake.

1123. Whatever. I— I threw the dice.

1124. I got the sevens, I guess.

1125. Whatever— Whatever the good dice number is.

1126. So, uh...

1127. 9/11.

1128. No, I mean...

1129. I've always wanted to have a conversation with...

1130. About it.

1131. With... people.

1132. You've never talked to people about 9/11?

1133. No, what's your... What's your stance?

1134. What's my stance on 9/11?

1135. Oh, um...

1136. Anti.

1137. It was a tragedy.

1138. I mean, we lost 19 of our best guys.

1139. Huh?

1140. That was a joke. Obviously.

1141. 9/11 was a terrible tragedy,

1142. and it's not funny to joke about it.

1143. Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

1144. please report to the ICU.

1145. Mr. and Mrs. Gardner...

1146. - All right. Come on. - To the ICU. Thank you.

1147. Hey, can I come?

1148. - No. - Yeah.

1149. Yeah.

1150. Whatever.

1151. Hello, come in.

1152. Please, have a seat.

1153. I know this isn't the news you were hoping for,

1154. but we aren't ready to bring Emily out of the coma yet.

1155. Oh.

1156. Why? Uh, what happened?

1157. The antibiotics aren't doing what we'd hoped they would,

1158. and we don't want to mess around,

1159. so tomorrow morning, we're gonna perform surgery

1160. to remove the infection.

1161. Oh, wait one second.

1162. Dr. Spellman told us that the antibiotics would work.

1163. Yeah.

1164. I mean, he didn't say anything at all about surgery.

1165. So what does that mean? Surgery? What kind of surgery?

1166. It's called thoracentesis. It's a very common procedure.

1167. We're gonna go in between the ribs and remove the infection.

1168. How do you spell that, please? And what is it?

1169. What's the name? What's the last part?

1170. - Thora... - And the infection is— is—

1171. - On the lung. - "Thora" what? "Thora" what?

1172. - And we're going to remove it. - What is it?

1173. Thoracentesis. C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.

1174. - And what's the risk? - It's a common thing

1175. - that they do? - Low. Yes.

1176. My advice to you

1177. is that you go home, you get something to eat,

1178. and try to relax.

1179. She left the lights on, huh?

1180. My favorite sweater.

1181. - I'm gonna do some research. - Oh, hey.

1182. That's the book I gave her.

1183. No, I gave her that one.

1184. Hey, do you have that little notebook from the doctor's?

1185. - This is the book I gave her. - Uh...

1186. I'm just gonna clean up Emily's room real quick.

1187. No, I— I remember.

1188. I met her at the Falafel place,

1189. and then we went to that bookstore

1190. that's hardly ever open, and I bought it for her.

1191. You're not the only one who gives her things.

1192. What's up with you?

1193. I'm just tired of you thinking

1194. you're the only one who gives her things.

1195. I gave her that book.

1196. - Look at the inscription. - No. No, that's stupid.

1197. - Hey, uh, Kumail. - Hey.

1198. Oh. Hey. Sorry.

1199. Didn't mean to surprise you.

1200. I was just wondering, are we gonna do anything?

1201. - You got any parlor games? - I— I don't—

1202. What are parlor games?

1203. Card games. Word games.

1204. Play any word games?

1205. - Um, no, I've never... - You ever play...

1206. - You Can't Rhyme It? - How does that go?

1207. It's... Eh, basically, you know,

1208. you try to find out a word, a real word,

1209. - that nobody can rhyme. - Okay.

1210. - And then... - Stonehenge.

1211. Yeah, see, you would win.

1212. - Ah. Hmm. - Yeah. That'd be a winner.

1213. I don't play board games. I play, like...

1214. - I play video games. - That's the thing.

1215. Everybody now needs, like, you know, a Nintendo.

1216. A game thing. The thing. Electronics. $1,000.

1217. When I was a kid, piece of chalk and a pavement,

1218. and that's your entertainment.

1219. Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.

1220. Throw the chalk at Jimmy.

1221. There you go. Three games right there.

1222. Jimmy was a real guy?

1223. Yeah, well, I mean, there was no particular Jimmy.

1224. You know, whoever got hit with the chalk,

1225. he was the Jimmy.

1226. Uh...

1227. I'm just trying to figure out, you know, what to do.

1228. Yeah. I... Tonight's no good for me.

1229. I'd love to, but, um...

1230. I'm actually, uh... I'm actually gigging tonight,

1231. which is, like, an industry word we use

1232. for when we do, like, shows and stuff, so...

1233. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1234. There's a big Montreal Comedy Festival audition coming up,

1235. and, um... I'm actually headlining tonight, so, yeah.

1236. Oh, wow. Hey.

1237. I should... I should... Run on out.

1238. Wow, that's cool. I haven't been to a comedy club since...

1239. Oh, boy. Since the '80s, right?

1240. Rita Rudner over at Caroline's.

1241. - Remember that, hon? - Christ. I...

1242. A pleural effusion of the empyema.

1243. Maybe we should go, huh?

1244. Maybe we should go to Kumail's show. What do you think?

1245. - Wouldn't that be fun? - Oh, my God!

1246. - These... pictures are horrible. - Okay, listen.

1247. Why don't we go to the comedy club with him?

1248. And this... It'll take our mind off of things right now.

1249. I don't want to take my mind off it, Terry.

1250. Our daughter's having surgery tomorrow.

1251. Please.

1252. - That's a fair point. - Please, please listen.

1253. I need the distraction.

1254. - Well, then why don't you go? - No.

1255. I want you to come with me.

1256. I don't want to go alone.

1257. Okay. But I'm bringing my iPad.

1258. Ah, it's sold out.

1259. I should have said it

1260. before you guys had the whole discussion.

1261. It sold out, like, super quickly.

1262. They were shocked at how quickly it sold out.

1263. - Like... - Well, you can get us in.

1264. You're the headliner, right? That's what you said.

1265. I mean, if you're the headliner,

1266. you can get two more in, right?

1267. - That's a good point. - Yeah.

1268. We'll sit in the back, right? We'll sit in the back.

1269. They got food there?

1270. Yeah, they've got waffle fries and, um...

1271. Yeah.

1272. The hospital had the waffle fries, too.

1273. Right.

1274. I... I actually have never been to Pakistan.

1275. My parents moved here for grad school,

1276. and then they just stayed here.

1277. I've never even been to Canada.

1278. So, um, when is Kumail coming?

1279. He's coming. Right, NAVEED?

1280. - Ah. Huh. - Traffic.

1281. I heard there's, uh, bumper-to-bumper traffic

1282. on the Dan Ryan Expressway.

1283. - That's weird, because... - You know, rush hour.

1284. I took the Dan Ryan Expressway here.

1285. What is your dad's sister's

1286. favorite kind of music to dance to?

1287. - Emily's parents are here. - Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.

1288. - Tonight? Why? - Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."

1289. It's "aunts." It's "aunts."

1290. All right, forget it. All right.

1291. Uh, is anybody here from out of town?

1292. All right, a few, a few.

1293. What's your name, sir?

1294. Uh, Terry.

1295. Terry. And, uh, who's this lovely lady next to you?

1296. Oh, my God. That's Emily's dad.

1297. Is that cloth? Little terry cloth?

1298. It's Beth.

1299. Beth. That's pretty close.

1300. Why would he do this?

1301. Terry, Beth, where you guys from?

1302. - We're from North Carolina. - Ooh.

1303. North Carolina. Tar Heel state.

1304. - Stop. Stop it. - Oh.

1305. Home of Krispy Kreme donuts. What brings you to Chicago?

1306. Our daughter's in a coma.

1307. Yeah, uh, how... What, uh... Where are you from?

1308. Okay, it's getting late.

1309. - I should go. - No, no, no.

1310. - Betho, betho. He will be here. - Hold on, hold on.

1311. I think I should call him up. I'll just call him up.

1312. Hello? Kum-beta?

1313. What do you mean, who's calling?

1314. This is your father.

1315. Okay, okay, okay.

1316. He will be here any moment.

1317. I... I think I should make something clear. Um...

1318. I want to name my kid Void,

1319. so he won't be able to cash any of his paychecks.

1320. "I'm sorry, sir, this says 'Void' on it."

1321. "But that's my name.

1322. "Curse you, Father!"

1323. I work on the second floor of the bank

1324. - in this fantasy scenario. - Go back to ISIS.

1325. Did he just say that?

1326. Toast is a really strange food.

1327. What— What did you just say?

1328. You put bread, and you make it...

1329. It was nothing. Come on.

1330. I said he should go back to ISIS.

1331. - Toast is the only food... - No, I mean,

1332. that is a really confusing position.

1333. I mean, do you want ISIS to have more people?

1334. No, I was saying that...

1335. Guess what, everybody? We got an ISIS recruiter here.

1336. All right, glad we got to the bottom of that.

1337. Toast is like a...

1338. What is it about him that made you say that?

1339. I think we know what the answer is. I don't...

1340. Lady, I wasn't talking to you.

1341. What is it about him?

1342. We don't have to go down this path.

1343. We know what's at the end of it...

1344. 'Cause of how he looks.

1345. There it is.

1346. That is like saying

1347. that all frat boys wearing country club hats

1348. and Hawaiian shirts

1349. have shriveled-up, tiny, little dicks.

1350. Okay, actually... Actually, Beth,

1351. this is a bad way for you to find out, but he's right.

1352. I actually am a terrorist.

1353. I just do stand-up comedy on the side

1354. to keep a low profile.

1355. Fuck you.

1356. First of all, very clever.

1357. What? Did you... Did you write that at home?

1358. Toast...

1359. - is a very strange... - Fuck you!

1360. - Fuck you. - No, fuck you.

1361. You're a bitch, you know that?

1362. Fuck you!

1363. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1364. Hey, no. No, no, no, no. No. Listen.

1365. Fucking kill you!

1366. What's your fucking phone number?

1367. Sorry, everybody.

1368. I'm sorry.

1369. I— I'm not sorry, actually,

1370. 'cause you're a terrible person.

1371. I don't want to kick your ass here in front of everybody.

1372. Yeah, that's right.

1373. I got levels, motherfucker. Okay?

1374. This elevator goes all the way fucking down,

1375. you fucking prick!

1376. I think I'll make tea.

1377. Actually, I'll open a bottle of wine.

1378. Actually, um, does Emily have whiskey?

1379. On top of the fridge.

1380. So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?

1381. I don't know anything about baseball.

1382. No? Hmm.

1383. I'm so sorry about that.

1384. That was...

1385. I just sort of lost control.

1386. - I thought it was sexy. - Me, too.

1387. Not like sexy,

1388. but like cool sexy, not like aroused sexy.

1389. I'm gonna not say "sexy" anymore.

1390. Hey, you guys want to get something to eat?

1391. I know you guys got a formula.

1392. You know, I've been to a couple shows now.

1393. So is it always like that?

1394. - Oh, like tonight? - Yeah.

1395. No, usually a different mom comes in to help me.

1396. I'm joking. No, it's...

1397. It's not always like that. I'd quit if it was.

1398. - Here's a joke. No. - No. Terry, don't.

1399. Terry's about as funny as a fart at a funeral.

1400. No. This is funny. This is a funny one.

1401. - Okay. - All right.

1402. A giraffe walks into a bar,

1403. and he says to the bartender, "Highballs on me."

1404. You get it, right?

1405. Oh, that was the end of the joke?

1406. Yeah, of course it was.

1407. - That was the whole joke? - That's the joke.

1408. That's the beauty of it. Boom.

1409. - I thought there was more. - But you get it?

1410. He's giraffe, he's tall,

1411. so it would stand to reason, his testicles are high.

1412. - Yeah. - And a highball is a drink.

1413. And you ruined it by saying I wasn't funny first.

1414. - That's what it was. - No. No.

1415. No, it's good. I like my jokes,

1416. like, thoroughly explained.

1417. You're just busting... You're bustin' my highballs.

1418. Yeah.

1419. Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

1420. Complex finish, flamboyant mouth-feel.

1421. Good. How about you?

1422. - My turn? - Yeah.

1423. Mmm-hmm.

1424. Fruit-forward.

1425. Good term, absolutely. Fruit-forward.

1426. - Yeah. No. - I'm impressed.

1427. This one... It's in the front seat.

1428. - It's driving the wine car. - Exactly. It is.

1429. I like wine 'cause of the buzz.

1430. Mmm. She's a bit of a lightweight, Beth.

1431. - So is Terry. - Come on.

1432. He'll be passed out on the sofa in less than an hour.

1433. Aah. That's nonsense. You know that's not true.

1434. You weren't supposed to be on the show tonight, were you?

1435. Oh, me, on the show tonight?

1436. Yeah, I was. I was the headliner.

1437. Okay.

1438. I lied about the show

1439. to get out of hanging out with you guys,

1440. and then I lied about headlining

1441. to impress you guys.

1442. Well, that didn't work.

1443. Also, I think I screwed up with your daughter.

1444. Yeah.

1445. You did.

1446. I don't know how people do it when their family's sick.

1447. My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.

1448. Then he had a stroke, then a heart attack.

1449. Then he had a recurrence of the cancer.

1450. But you know what killed him?

1451. - Cancer? - Car accident.

1452. We think maybe it was a heart attack

1453. while he was driving, and he did still have cancer, too.

1454. And you know what?

1455. He ate sprouts his whole fucking life.

1456. Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.

1457. I don't know how I'm gonna sleep tonight.

1458. You want to stress eat?

1459. Fuck, yeah.

1460. Oh, my God.

1461. I know. "Most noticeable."

1462. Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.

1463. There's more. Look.

1464. The legendary cemetery photo shoot.

1465. Oh. Oh... My God.

1466. - Nah! - Oh! Wow!

1467. Oh. I laughed so hard when I saw these,

1468. she got so... So mad at me.

1469. You're gonna wake him up.

1470. Are you kidding? He could sleep though anything.

1471. - Hey, Terry! - Shh!

1472. How did you and Terry meet?

1473. I was, um, going to East Carolina University.

1474. And I was, um, waiting tables,

1475. and, you know, we met at this coffee shop.

1476. I was waiting on him,

1477. you know, and I liked his hair.

1478. He was a teacher already, you know.

1479. Thick New York accent,

1480. like— like nobody I'd ever met, you know.

1481. Totally wrong for me.

1482. So, naturally, we fell in love.

1483. My family could not stand him.

1484. We're all military people. Army pilots.

1485. All my brothers played football.

1486. Terry couldn't even change a tire.

1487. My father got so mad at me,

1488. he broke every dinner plate we had.

1489. Now back then, um, you go to the gas station,

1490. you fill up your tank, you get a dinner plate.

1491. Oh.

1492. But just one at a time, like cup, saucer.

1493. It took a year of fill-ups to get the whole set back.

1494. And Terry... Terry just stuck around.

1495. Eventually,

1496. they just all got over it.

1497. - They just got over it? - Mm-hmm.

1498. How?

1499. Lots of fucked-up dinners.

1500. How'd your parents meet, Kumail?

1501. So we have arranged marriage, as you know,

1502. and a big group got together to go see a movie,

1503. but really it was just a set-up

1504. so my mom and my dad could meet.

1505. What movie did they see?

1506. I have no idea.

1507. I never asked.

1508. - She's great, you know? - Yeah.

1509. I know.

1510. I feel good about the surgery.

1511. Yeah. Me, too. These doctors know what they're doing.

1512. No, they don't.

1513. They're just winging it like everybody else.

1514. Oh... fuck.

1515. Hey, it's me.

1516. So, um, I tried making some Pakistani food,

1517. uh, to surprise you, and either I'm a bad cook

1518. or all Pakistani food is terrible.

1519. I don't know yet. Bye!

1520. Hey, it's me. Um, if you just want to come over

1521. and, like, kiss me for two seconds,

1522. I'd really love that tonight.

1523. Okay, bye.

1524. Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you want to meet at the gallery?

1525. Oh, my God!

1526. Oh, my God!

1527. Oh, my God! A bird just hit me in the head!

1528. Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!

1529. I'll call you right back. Oh, my God, is it okay?

1530. The infection around the lungs has been removed.

1531. We should be able to pull her out soon.

1532. Oh, boy! Whew.

1533. Oh. Well, how soon?

1534. She should be up by tomorrow morning at the latest.

1535. Oh, wow.

1536. We'll also test the pleural fluid from the thoracentesis

1537. to create a more targeted antibiotic strategy.

1538. - So this is good news? - It's very good news.

1539. - Yeah. - We'll just hold on to her

1540. for a few more days, and then you can have her back.

1541. She's a fighter, right?

1542. Yes.

1543. I was so worried.

1544. We saw on the news that a train derailed,

1545. and we thought that you were on the train,

1546. and you had died.

1547. Nobody died on that train, Ma.

1548. But did they look under the train?

1549. So where were you last night? What were you doing?

1550. Nothing. I wasn't doing anything.

1551. - Kumail? - All right, I'll tell you.

1552. - Tell. - I was...

1553. I was studying for the LSAT.

1554. - Really? - Yup.

1555. I signed up, and if I pass, I'm going to go to law school

1556. and become a lawyer

1557. and do law.

1558. Hmm.

1559. Oh, let me see who that could be.

1560. - Really, Dad? - What?

1561. You said that nobody was going to come, it was just...

1562. - Gonna be just us. - Kumail, do you know this guy?

1563. People say Sam!

1564. People say Sam! Do you know him?

1565. Yeah, I know him.

1566. He should be on Saturday Night Live.

1567. SNL.

1568. People don't say "Sam." They say salaam.

1569. Everybody, you remember Khadija?

1570. She just dropped in.

1571. She was just in the neighborhood.

1572. And these are her parents, Rahan and Tina.

1573. They also just dropped in.

1574. I've just been on so many of these appointments,

1575. and I just never have anything in common with the guys.

1576. Yeah.

1577. You know, when girls at work complain to me about dating,

1578. I just... I want to body-slam them.

1579. They have no idea.

1580. - Right. - I don't know.

1581. My mom says I'm becoming like the bruised apple

1582. at the bottom of the apple bucket.

1583. - No. No, no, no, you're not. - Yeah.

1584. - I am. - No, you're not.

1585. So, do you want to hang out sometime?

1586. Like, without our parents.

1587. Have you been to the Cat Café?

1588. The cats just come up to you

1589. and nestle in your lap, and you just pet them.

1590. I don't think that's a good idea.

1591. You don't like... cats?

1592. I mean...

1593. I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out again.

1594. It's not you.

1595. You're fantastic.

1596. I just can't do this arranged marriage thing.

1597. With anybody.

1598. So why did you meet me?

1599. It wasn't my idea.

1600. I'm just really tired.

1601. Do you ever want to just be in a relationship

1602. so you can just finally relax?

1603. I'm sorry.

1604. You deserve better than me.

1605. People always telling me what I deserve.

1606. It's bullshit.

1607. And stop being so sorry about everything.

1608. I'm gonna go.

1609. And do you know what? I watched The X-Files.

1610. Like, three whole episodes, and it's a bad show.

1611. Wow, they should call this web site,

1612. "everything is cancer dot-com."

1613. Whatever symptom you put in, it could be cancer.

1614. Hiccups could be cancer. Come on.

1615. Take the fun out of hiccups now.

1616. But, you know, this is the 17th best hospital in Chicago?

1617. - Really? Out of how many? - I don't know.

1618. But Northwestern's number one.

1619. How do they rate,

1620. - or what's the methodology? - I don't know, Terry.

1621. But 17th is bad.

1622. It's not great. Unless the sample size is...

1623. You know, that all depends.

1624. Here, look at the comments.

1625. This is why I don't want to go online

1626. 'cause it's never good.

1627. You go online, they hated Forrest Gump.

1628. Frickin' best movie ever.

1629. Yeah, I know.

1630. Well, it, no, it hasn't been that long.

1631. Like, three hours, maybe.

1632. Oh, hey, I— I— All right, I got to go.

1633. - Terry, hi. - Hey.

1634. - Can we talk? - Yeah, yeah.

1635. Okay.

1636. We got the biopsy results.

1637. They are, unfortunately, inconclusive.

1638. Uh, we're concerned because it is also...

1639. Well, wait, wait, what does that mean?

1640. It means it's aggressive. It means that...

1641. I mean, they... They couldn't find out what

1642. the disease was or where the...

1643. Where the virus came from, the bacteria, whatever.

1644. But they took out the infection,

1645. - so it shouldn't matter. - I know. That's what I said.

1646. But, uh, her vitals didn't normalize.

1647. And now they say, the infection,

1648. it's continuing to spread. It's in her kidneys now.

1649. But the kidneys are so far from the lungs.

1650. I know.

1651. It's an aggressive infection, and they said

1652. what they got to do now is they just got to figure out

1653. what this mystery disease actually is.

1654. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

1655. I'm calling Northwestern.

1656. - Just hold on, hold on. - Terry, Goddammit...

1657. I think we should talk about...

1658. Shut up.

1659. I'm sick of this shit, Terry. We're getting her out of here.

1660. They're in the middle of the...

1661. Of the whole process of elimination.

1662. So you're saying Northwestern can't take that information

1663. and continue the search?

1664. This place is a shithole. I'm sorry.

1665. Anna, could I have that?

1666. Will you just stop for a second, all right?

1667. They are the doctors.

1668. You act like you know what you're talking about.

1669. - Doctors are not the same. - You don't.

1670. I can't find my cell phone.

1671. - You got a phone? - Yeah.

1672. Don't give her the phone.

1673. Don't... You don't need a phone.

1674. You don't need to call anybody right now. The...

1675. They're doing it. They're the experts here, and...

1676. - And I trust them. - One, five...

1677. Oh, well, that's very nice, but I don't.

1678. Can you unlock that thing?

1679. There... There's a reason they're number 17

1680. and Northwestern's number one.

1681. And that's not because people trust them. Thank you.

1682. Wait, you think you're smarter than me.

1683. You say big sentences.

1684. Okay, well, you're not. You're not.

1685. I don't think I'm smarter than you.

1686. You just don't think you're as smart as I am.

1687. - That's not my fault. - Right, it's...

1688. It's never your fault. Everything's my fault.

1689. Oh, there are some things that are definitely...

1690. just your fault.

1691. Okay, that's... That's bullshit.

1692. You need to stop freaking out and calm down.

1693. And you need to stop being a coward.

1694. Right.

1695. The greatest hits comin' back.

1696. Okay, you can just... Well, you can stop.

1697. I'll— I'll replay the rest of this from memory.

1698. Yeah, don't... Listen to me...

1699. Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.

1700. It's the biggest thing they had.

1701. I don't even know if she likes giraffes.

1702. We never talked about...

1703. giraffes.

1704. Hey, do they know what they're doing?

1705. 'Cause they don't tell us anything.

1706. Like, uh, Lyme disease.

1707. You know, the girl on The Real World had it.

1708. - Did you guys look for that? - Yes, we did.

1709. You know, she gets hurt all the time,

1710. and she messed up her ankle recently. Could that be lupus?

1711. Listen, we're looking into everything.

1712. We're not holding anything back from you.

1713. We're still just eliminating possibilities.

1714. 'Cause Beth wants to move her to Northwestern.

1715. No. Emily should not be moved.

1716. The hospital will approve it

1717. because it'll get the liability off their hands.

1718. But we put her in a coma for a reason,

1719. to stabilize her.

1720. Moving her could be very dangerous.

1721. Trust me, she is fighting this, and so are we.

1722. Hey, Terry, I was just talking to the...

1723. - You okay? - Yeah.

1724. Yeah, of course.

1725. Fine. Totally fine.

1726. Just, uh... Beth went to Emily, so, uh...

1727. I'm gonna wait here till they kick me out, you know?

1728. Just keep an eye on her.

1729. Do you want to crash at my place?

1730. - You got Golf Channel? - No.

1731. That wasn't funny, right?

1732. Oh, I didn't... I thought that was a serious question.

1733. Let's get the fuck out of here.

1734. So...

1735. This is the place.

1736. Huh. Wow.

1737. This place is terrible.

1738. Hey, uh, I talked to Nurse Judy,

1739. and she was saying that, like,

1740. moving Emily could be a bad idea.

1741. Really?

1742. Yeah, she said it could be dangerous.

1743. Like, something...

1744. Yeah, I hear you.

1745. And... Hmm.

1746. I just... I'd give anything just to...

1747. trade places with Emily.

1748. You know?

1749. Being a parent, it's... It's a nightmare.

1750. Loving somebody this much sucks.

1751. Yeah.

1752. And, uh,

1753. I guess you've noticed the tension

1754. between Beth and me.

1755. Uh, not really.

1756. Uh, it's none of my business,

1757. - so I don't try to... - Yeah, well, it's...

1758. Uh, it's there.

1759. Big-time.

1760. It's getting really late. We should go to sleep.

1761. I cheated on her.

1762. Fuck.

1763. I did.

1764. It was just a one-night stand.

1765. - Okay. - We met at some bar

1766. in Cincinnati.

1767. They— They have these teacher conferences.

1768. Who goes to a math conference to get laid?

1769. Math teachers?

1770. Yeah.

1771. I— I think I was depressed.

1772. - That's what it was. - Yeah.

1773. Let's talk about it tomorrow.

1774. Get a full night's sleep,

1775. tackle it fresh in the morning...

1776. She just smelled so... good.

1777. It was horrible, too.

1778. As soon as I was finished, as soon as I'd finished,

1779. I was like, "What did you fucking do?

1780. "What did you just do?

1781. "What did you do?"

1782. You know, that— that, uh,

1783. moment of clarity you get, right after an orgasm.

1784. Yeah.

1785. I told Beth right away.

1786. I had to.

1787. She was devastated.

1788. And now she hates me.

1789. She might be mad at you, but...

1790. But she doesn't hate you.

1791. Should've heard the way she was talking about you.

1792. Mmm.

1793. Hey, can I ask you something?

1794. Why'd you tell her?

1795. Oh, I had to.

1796. I'm no good with guilt.

1797. Do you guys talk about it?

1798. Not anymore.

1799. She said she forgave me, but— but, no.

1800. She hasn't.

1801. Let me give you some advice, Kumail.

1802. You're gonna know the woman that you want to spend

1803. the rest of your life with

1804. when you cheat on her.

1805. When you cheat on her and you just feel like shit.

1806. So to fully know I love someone,

1807. I have to cheat on them?

1808. Out loud, it sounds stupid.

1809. Eh, it's... Yeah, that's terrible advice.

1810. Love...

1811. Love isn't easy.

1812. That's why they call it love.

1813. I don't really get that either.

1814. I know. I thought I could just start saying something,

1815. and something smart would come out.

1816. Hey, did you see Terry?

1817. Yeah, I heard him leave this morning.

1818. I'm going to Subbies. You want anything?

1819. Nah, I'm good. Thank you.

1820. You don't want a hot dog or nothin'?

1821. Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning.

1822. Okay. No hot dog.

1823. Oh, hi.

1824. Oh, yeah, you can go right in.

1825. We just spoke to Khadija's parents.

1826. - What are you doing here? - What is wrong with you, Kumi?

1827. Nothing is wrong with me. I'm sorry.

1828. Sorry? That's all you have to say?

1829. Okay, I... I don't... I wasn't that into her.

1830. - Into her? - Yeah.

1831. Do you know how difficult it is

1832. to get an appointment with her?

1833. She's in very high demand.

1834. - Okay, so? - So?

1835. Can we please talk about this another time? I... I...

1836. No, no, Kumi. We will talk about this now.

1837. We have sacrificed everything for you.

1838. I know. Okay?

1839. We have left our family.

1840. We have left our home.

1841. I have missed the birth of my sister's daughter.

1842. I have not seen my mother for 15 years.

1843. Your father, he had to do his graduate school again.

1844. He had to give exams again.

1845. I was in my mid-50s.

1846. They were in 20s. They used to call me Father Time.

1847. Okay, okay. I know that.

1848. And I— I really appreciate everything you did for me.

1849. But can we talk about this another time?

1850. Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer, fine.

1851. If you want to do the stand-up comedy

1852. and embarrass us as a family, fine.

1853. There is only one thing

1854. that we have ever asked for you, Kumi,

1855. that you be a good Muslim

1856. and you marry a Pakistani girl!

1857. That is it! One thing!

1858. Can I ask you something?

1859. Something that has never made sense to me.

1860. Why did you bring me here if you wanted me

1861. to not have an American life?

1862. We come here, but we pretend like we're still back there.

1863. That's so stupid.

1864. Don't you talk to your mother like that.

1865. You don't care what I think.

1866. You just want me to follow the rules.

1867. But the r— the rules don't make sense to me.

1868. I don't pray.

1869. I don't.

1870. I haven't prayed in years.

1871. I just go down there,

1872. and I play video games.

1873. You don't believe in Allah?

1874. I don't know what I believe, Dad.

1875. I don't know.

1876. And I can't marry someone you find for me.

1877. And why not?

1878. Because I am in love with someone.

1879. I am.

1880. Her name is Emily.

1881. And she's gonna be a therapist.

1882. And right now she's very sick.

1883. But I couldn't tell you that.

1884. It makes me so sad that I couldn't tell you any of that.

1885. I really appreciate everything you've done for me.

1886. I truly, truly, truly do. I really do.

1887. And I know Islam has been really good for you,

1888. and it has made you good people.

1889. But I don't know what I believe.

1890. I just need to figure it out on my own.

1891. You're not my son.

1892. Kumail. You're being selfish,

1893. you're not thinking about us.

1894. You're not thinking about Khadija, in fact,

1895. you're not even thinking about

1896. that girl you are in love with.

1897. You think American dream is doing just about

1898. whatever you want and not thinking about other people?

1899. You're wrong!

1900. You are wrong!

1901. Excuse us, please.

1902. Sorry.

1903. What's wrong with you, man?

1904. - CHRIS Hey. - Hey.

1905. I, uh, never went to the store.

1906. I was just listening at the door.

1907. Hey... My mom kicked me out for dealing weed at 16,

1908. so I get it, man.

1909. - Hey. - Hey, um, so,

1910. wh... when are we gonna talk to Beth about this thing

1911. - that we talked about? - We— we— we—

1912. We're gonna move her,

1913. is what we're gonna do.

1914. What?

1915. - What? We're gonna move her. - What you...

1916. What are you talking about?

1917. You fucking caved?

1918. - I didn't cave. - You fucking caved?

1919. - I don't cave, okay? - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

1920. I know you don't, you don't cave, you don't cave,

1921. you're great.

1922. But we talked about this last night,

1923. - and we decided... - I know. I know.

1924. that it wasn't gonna be a good...

1925. - We're moving her. - No. What?

1926. - Yeah. - I— I told you what

1927. - the nurse said. - She's right.

1928. Hey, Beth, um, the nurse told me that moving Emily

1929. could be a very bad idea.

1930. Well, Northwestern told us it could be very good.

1931. Well, they don't see her, this nurse sees her,

1932. and she told me herself. She said...

1933. That's okay, Kumail, they don't need to see her.

1934. No, it's not okay! There.

1935. - That's... - I got it.

1936. That's a map of the garage.

1937. Don't...

1938. Wait, wait, wait.

1939. You want to be responsible?

1940. Huh?

1941. She could die!

1942. Kumail,

1943. we're responsible for her no matter what.

1944. We're her parents.

1945. Now, I'm sorry, we're moving her.

1946. Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.

1947. Can I take your order, please?

1948. Yeah, um, can I get a burger with four slices of cheese?

1949. Four burgers. Anything else, sir?

1950. No, one burger with four slices of cheese.

1951. One burger with four slice—

1952. I'm sorry, we can't do that.

1953. Just put four slices of cheese on a burger.

1954. We can't do that. There's no button...

1955. Who the fuck is this "we," man?

1956. Who the fuck is this "we"? It's me and you!

1957. We're just people! Fucking listen to me!

1958. Fuck this corporate entity!

1959. Put four slices of cheese on the fucking burger!

1960. - We can't do that. - What the fuck?

1961. You fucking idiot! Hey!

1962. Hey, look at me, look at me.

1963. 'Cause I'm a human being, you are a human being. Look at me!

1964. Look me in the eyes when you fuck me!

1965. Look at me! Please!

1966. Today's my first day.

1967. Fuck you!

1968. I'll just ring you up for four burgers.

1969. I'm sorry.

1970. Do you want any fries or drink with that?

1971. I'll take four fries.

1972. I'm sorry.

1973. Fuck!

1974. your life dramatically.

1975. Um, so then I started keeping this journal.

1976. And the journal is, like, you know,

1977. me overcompensating and trying to act like

1978. I'm living this, like, cool, rock-and-roll lifestyle.

1979. When, in reality, I'm in third grade,

1980. crying all the time.

1981. Hey, man, Montreal Finals. You ready?

1982. Oh, wait, are you getting all, like, dark and moody

1983. before your set?

1984. Yeah, punish yourself like a nasty, little baby.

1985. Okay, okay, I am not in the mood, okay, Chris?

1986. I'll get you in the mood.

1987. - You all right? - I'll get you all in the mood!

1988. Why is everybody saying the same fucking thing?

1989. - Yeah, I decide... - Dude, are you all right?

1990. Yeah, I'm doing great.

1991. Okay, all right, dude, I'm just checking on you.

1992. It would have stuff, like, you know, like,

1993. an in-unit washer and dryer...

1994. The fuck have you been, man?

1995. - You're on next. - Okay, okay.

1996. Thank you, guys. I love you.

1997. Hello?

1998. Kumail, is that you?

1999. - Yeah. - It's Terry.

2000. Uh, listen, we're not moving her.

2001. The doctor, they said...

2002. Have you guys heard of this

2003. new drug cocktail called cheese?

2004. Like, that's the name of it, it's called cheese.

2005. Um... I saw all these news reports, and they were like,

2006. "There's a new drug, it's called cheese.

2007. "Everyone's doing it in the Midwest.

2008. "Kids are doing it."

2009. It's just really hard to do stand-up comedy

2010. when your girlfriend is in a coma.

2011. Uh...

2012. Not quite sure what part you were laughing at.

2013. They say she's fighting, but she doesn't look like

2014. she's fighting, she looks like she's just...

2015. She looks like she's just laying there.

2016. I said horrible things to her, and, um,

2017. I said horrible things to her, I h— I hurt her.

2018. Um...

2019. She loves birds.

2020. Like, she gets excited every time she sees a bird.

2021. She's like,

2022. "Look at this, it's a bird."

2023. I'm always like, "Yeah, they're all over the place.

2024. "They're birds."

2025. But she, like...

2026. She likes that bird, you know?

2027. Every bird she sees, she sees it.

2028. Her dad just called

2029. and said that they can't transfer her

2030. because the infection has reached her heart.

2031. Uh...

2032. Which...

2033. Which means she...

2034. Which means she could die.

2035. I don't know if you can hear me or not, but...

2036. it would be really good if you pulled through.

2037. If you have to go, you can go, but...

2038. It would be really great if you stayed.

2039. Uh...

2040. And I'm really sorry for what I did, okay?

2041. Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.

2042. Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.

2043. Mom.

2044. You're getting your tears all over me.

2045. When am I gonna be able to feel my face?

2046. Hmm.

2047. Hey, you gave us quite a scare there, scout.

2048. - Really. - Scout?

2049. Come on, I call you that all the time.

2050. No, not since

2051. - I was a grown-up. - Yes, I do.

2052. I've been calling you that my whole life.

2053. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

2054. Oh.

2055. - Sorry, hon. - What's happening?

2056. - You okay? You all right? - What is that crap?

2057. We have to thicken your liquids for a bit.

2058. Your esophagus isn't strong enough to swallow yet.

2059. That shit tastes like semen.

2060. That's nice

2061. - for a father to hear. - She won't have

2062. any social inhibitions until the...

2063. The anesthetic wears off.

2064. Seriously, Mom, you should try this.

2065. - No, wait a minute, honey. - Stop saying that.

2066. - Not the cup. - Oh, come on,

2067. come on, come on.

2068. They'll charge us $48 for it, don't worry about it.

2069. Why are you here?

2070. I— I haven't heard her voice in a while.

2071. He's been... He's been here the whole time.

2072. Could I speak with you both outside?

2073. Yeah.

2074. - We'll be right back. - Yeah, we'll be right outside.

2075. All right.

2076. Hey.

2077. Emily has a rare condition

2078. called adult-onset Still's disease.

2079. Kumail mentioned Emily's hurt ankle,

2080. and the swelling still hadn't gone down

2081. even after several days in bed,

2082. - which is strange. - Mmm.

2083. Still's disease is when the body thinks healthy tissue

2084. is an infection, so it tries to fight it.

2085. - Uh-huh. - It's like a big

2086. biological misunderstanding.

2087. - Yeah, yeah. - So,

2088. we gave her anti-inflammatories,

2089. and she stabilized within hours.

2090. She's gonna take time to recover,

2091. but she'll be fine.

2092. - Wow. - Full recovery.

2093. What are you doing here?

2094. I was visiting someone down the hall,

2095. and I was, like, I'll just pop in

2096. - and say hi to Emily. - Oh.

2097. No, I'm joking. I'm here for you.

2098. You're an asshole, and I don't like you.

2099. I'm not an asshole. I'm really not.

2100. Oh, no, you're an asshole.

2101. You have a lot of drugs in you,

2102. so you're, like, not thinking as clearly.

2103. No, dawg, I'm not joking.

2104. You're not funny to me.

2105. You just make me sad.

2106. You make me sad inside of my heart,

2107. and it makes me sad to look at you.

2108. So, I think you should probably go.

2109. Just go, and tell my mom I want her.

2110. Will you please get my mom?

2111. - I'm so sorry about that. - Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.

2112. Um, Emily wants to see you.

2113. Oh.

2114. Um, I'm gonna head out.

2115. I don't think I should be here.

2116. Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.

2117. Your living condition, it's, uh...

2118. It's a potential health risk.

2119. And you're not that funny.

2120. But you're probably not suited to do anything else either,

2121. so that's troublesome.

2122. You really made it sound like you were gonna

2123. say something positive there.

2124. Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?

2125. Well, you know...

2126. You know I know the good stuff.

2127. I know the good stuff.

2128. I don't know, so you know...

2129. You know how I feel. I got to...

2130. - I got to get in. - Yeah.

2131. What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

2132. Brick on top of the grilled cheese and...

2133. Yeah.

2134. Yeah, I want that.

2135. - Be right back. - Bacon or something...

2136. - Hey. - Hey.

2137. So you're gonna hang around Chicago for a while?

2138. Yeah.

2139. - She's got physical therapy. - Oh.

2140. Did you ever think you'd be excited

2141. to have your daughter go through physical therapy?

2142. It's so strange that we could go through

2143. one of the most intense experiences

2144. of our lives together and just...

2145. Just never see each other again.

2146. Maybe.

2147. But I hope not.

2148. threw a bird at you, and then ran away,

2149. and you're like, "Oh, crap!

2150. "I own a bird now!"

2151. Hi, little sad man.

2152. Mopey boy.

2153. Hey.

2154. We have something to tell you.

2155. Yes. Tell him.

2156. - We're moving to New York. - New York.

2157. - What? - Mm-hmm.

2158. And we want you to come with us.

2159. Are you serious?

2160. You got to do it. It's gonna suck at first,

2161. but we're gonna have each other,

2162. and maybe we'll eventually get paid to write jokes.

2163. Mm-hmm. - It's gonna be the best.

2164. Come on, dude.

2165. You have to come.

2166. I know you did not get Montreal,

2167. and that is only because

2168. you did one of the worst sets I've ever seen

2169. in my goddamn life.

2170. - Yeah. - It was nonsense.

2171. A living disgrace.

2172. I would call it shit, but I would be worried

2173. that I'd be insulting actual shit.

2174. Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me,

2175. I thought a ghost had passed right through me.

2176. We don't have to keep going over

2177. how bad the set was.

2178. I saw their faces

2179. and the noises they didn't make.

2180. I felt one of my eggs die.

2181. Doesn't that happen, like, every month?

2182. It happens every month, Kumail,

2183. but I don't always feel it and go...

2184. And that's what you made me do.

2185. - Yeah. - I...

2186. I'm packing my things up, and I'm moving to New York,

2187. and guess what, baby. You're coming with me.

2188. What about Chris?

2189. Have you ever seen a pigeon

2190. try and pick up another pigeon?

2191. He will be fine.

2192. There's not enough room in the car, probably.

2193. We leave in a week. All right?

2194. And I already called shotgun, Chicago to Pittsburgh.

2195. Do not fuck this up.

2196. Your destiny awaits.

2197. This'll be the biggest move of your life,

2198. other than the one from Pakistan.

2199. Yeah.

2200. I didn't have any kind of epiphany or anything...

2201. Hey, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.

2202. Hey, everybody. Thank you for, uh, for coming.

2203. I just want to say a couple, uh...

2204. A couple of words here.

2205. Mom, why is Kumail here?

2206. 'Cause he was there the whole time, you know.

2207. I invited the nurses, I invited him.

2208. And, um, for...

2209. Emily, come on up, come on up here.

2210. I want to say something.

2211. - I want to say something. - Dad.

2212. Talk amongst yourselves.

2213. This might take a...

2214. Emily successfully peeled an orange this morning.

2215. - Dad! - Yeah.

2216. It was... It was a clementine.

2217. Full disclosure, a clementine.

2218. It's those little ones that, you know,

2219. a baby monkey could peel it.

2220. But, uh, but she did it.

2221. And... And, yeah, so that's all. We just...

2222. Thank you, everybody. Hey...

2223. Hi.

2224. I like your cane.

2225. - I heard pimpin' ain't easy. - Right.

2226. Hey, could we talk for a second?

2227. Sure.

2228. So I've been collecting some things, uh,

2229. that are important to me,

2230. and I wanted to show them to you.

2231. I call this my bag of devotion.

2232. Uh, so this is, uh, all the visitor passes

2233. from when I visited you when you were in the...

2234. um...

2235. So... these are the tickets

2236. from when your parents came to see me perform,

2237. and, uh, I— I realized how great they are,

2238. and how great you are,

2239. and how great honesty is.

2240. What did you do?

2241. Did you cremate someone?

2242. These are the ashes of all the Pakistani women...

2243. Not the women—

2244. The pictures of the Pakistani women.

2245. I thought this was a good idea, and it feels kind of...

2246. It feels a little stupid.

2247. I know I was a terrible boyfriend,

2248. but I have changed.

2249. And I am the person you need me to be.

2250. I really am.

2251. So...

2252. Will you take me back?

2253. Kumail, I'm really glad that you...

2254. went through this experience,

2255. but you have to understand that

2256. that all happened when I was asleep.

2257. Like, you felt one way a few weeks ago,

2258. and now you're saying you feel the total opposite way,

2259. and the only thing that's changed

2260. is that I was in a coma.

2261. Honestly, I— I—

2262. I look at all of this, and I just think,

2263. you know, I just can't do it again.

2264. - And I can't... - I...

2265. I can't be the reason that you don't have a family.

2266. It just feels totally different now.

2267. And I can't do that again.

2268. Do you understand?

2269. - Okay. - Okay?

2270. Okay.

2271. Sorry.

2272. Ma.

2273. Dad.

2274. Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?

2275. Oh, there's no plate.

2276. Oh.

2277. Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided

2278. I won't let you kick me out of the family.

2279. Since I'm a member of the family,

2280. it would stand to reason that I would get a vote

2281. in whether or not I get kicked out,

2282. and that vote would have to be unanimous,

2283. standard parliamentary procedure.

2284. So, all those in favor of not kicking Kumail

2285. out of the family, raise your hand.

2286. Great. Motion to kick Kumail out of the family denied.

2287. So, you guys can just talk to me.

2288. Okay, you're giving me the silent treatment.

2289. I figured that was what was gonna happen.

2290. I have a solution.

2291. So, "Hi, how are you?"

2292. That's just a real basic one. You know.

2293. "Pass the salt." Practical.

2294. "Always with the comedy."

2295. Mom, made that one specially for you.

2296. "Kumail, how did you become so much more handsome

2297. "than your brother NAVEED?"

2298. Bullshit.

2299. I admit, this one is designed

2300. to stir up some controversy.

2301. "It's interesting how you can't really

2302. "kick someone out of your family because

2303. "they will always be your family."

2304. I agree with that one. That's a good one.

2305. So, I'm gonna leave these here for you.

2306. I am sorry I lied about the girls

2307. and the LSAT and all of that.

2308. That was wrong.

2309. And one more thing.

2310. I'm moving to New York to pursue stand-up,

2311. but I am not leaving this family.

2312. My parents, um, they want me to get arrange married.

2313. Or, as it's, uh, called in Pakistan, romance!

2314. And earlier today,

2315. I told them everything. I told them

2316. about my life, I told them about Emily.

2317. They kicked me out of the family.

2318. I may never talk to them again.

2319. So, that happened.

2320. - What is it? - Can I come in?

2321. Okay.

2322. I swear, you and Dad

2323. are just like my freshman year roommate,

2324. but instead of just, like, boning random dudes,

2325. you're just parenting all the time.

2326. All over the place. In every room of the house.

2327. Including right next to me.

2328. We got to go.

2329. Home?

2330. - No. - Yeah.

2331. It's time.

2332. I'm not ready.

2333. Yeah, you know what?

2334. You're strong.

2335. And you are.

2336. And we would go to the mosque and hear graphic details

2337. of religious people being killed 1,400 years ago.

2338. I mean, like, Tarantino-esque details.

2339. And everyone would be crying,

2340. like, competing to see who could cry the hardest.

2341. And I could never cry.

2342. And I was like, what is wrong with me?

2343. Am I broken?

2344. The only time I've cried that much

2345. is during the first 15 minutes of Up.

2346. This is a picture of me and my mother.

2347. I'm seven years old.

2348. You know people, they talk about the— the New York water.

2349. Chicago water is very underrated, I think.

2350. It's good.

2351. Hey, guys.

2352. I think I might just pop out for a bit.

2353. What, by yourself?

2354. Yeah, just hop around the block.

2355. Maybe get some frozen yogurt.

2356. You okay? Can you do it?

2357. Can you walk by yourself?

2358. - Yeah, Dad. - All right.

2359. Have fun.

2360. If you feel a coma coming on, call us.

2361. - Dad, it's too soon. - Right.

2362. I love you, I'll see you in the morning.

2363. - Love you. - Bye.

2364. Okay. Love you. Bye.

2365. - Have fun. - I will.

2366. - Got your phone? - Yep.

2367. But you liked it, huh?

2368. Yeah. I mean...

2369. Yeah.

2370. I mean...

2371. - Hey. - Hi.

2372. - What are you doing here? - Uh...

2373. I was in the neighborhood,

2374. and I saw that you were gonna be here,

2375. so I thought I'd come say hi.

2376. You look great.

2377. How's your blood oxygen level?

2378. Oh, well within range.

2379. Nice.

2380. Um, this is my brother, NAVEED.

2381. - Hi. Hi. - Hi. I'm Emily.

2382. I've heard lots about you.

2383. It's so good to finally meet you.

2384. Yeah.

2385. There's actually something I wanted to, uh, tell you.

2386. Okay, well, I'm gonna just...

2387. - Good-bye. - Bye.

2388. See you, Bhai.

2389. Are you warm enough?

2390. Yeah, yeah. I got my two pairs of socks on.

2391. Do you mind?

2392. No.

2393. I'm glad we're going home tomorrow.

2394. Me, too.

2395. See? I should've brushed my teeth.

2396. I like it.

2397. When something like this happens,

2398. there's this sort of expectation

2399. that you're gonna have this completely,

2400. like, new lease on life, and...

2401. feel totally different about everything,

2402. and, like, cherish every sunrise,

2403. and, like, for the most part,

2404. I just feel like, ugh, I can't get up that early.

2405. You know?

2406. I'm sorry, I feel like

2407. I've been talking about myself so much.

2408. No.

2409. Are you doing a lot of stand-up?

2410. - Are you... - Yeah. I, uh,

2411. bombed my Montreal Comedy Festival audition.

2412. Like, horrifically, like...

2413. I saw the video.

2414. Yeah.

2415. - It wasn't great. - No... No.

2416. I'll be honest with you, it wasn't great.

2417. No. I know.

2418. But there was a lot I liked. Like a— like a lot I liked.

2419. I'm moving to New York.

2420. Really?

2421. Yeah, um...

2422. Mary and CJ and I are, like...

2423. Just gonna drive out, and we have a place all ready, and...

2424. - When do you leave? - Next weekend.

2425. I— I'm so excited for you. That is so great.

2426. Like, you are going to just...

2427. do so great in New York.

2428. What were you gonna say?

2429. What?

2430. You said you were gonna say something to me.

2431. What was it?

2432. Oh, just that I, um, I wanted to thank you.

2433. Uh, my parents told me

2434. everything that you did for me,

2435. and I feel like the last time we spoke,

2436. I didn't properly thank you, so...

2437. Oh. Yeah.

2438. Totally fine.

2439. I should probably go.

2440. - Do you want to call an Uber? - No, I'm gonna walk, actually.

2441. So, this has been really great.

2442. All right.

2443. - Okay, bye. - Yeah.

2444. The scene is gonna be, like,

2445. so different with you guys gone.

2446. Well, you should come out.

2447. No, I'm— I'm good here.

2448. - I'm gonna miss you. - I'm gonna miss you.

2449. Get out of here, you assholes.

2450. All right.

2451. Come here, you big dummy.

2452. - Bye. - I'll miss you.

2453. You're still kicked out of the family.

2454. But because we did not get a proper chance

2455. to say bye to you, so...

2456. Your mother is so angry with you.

2457. She's not going to get out of the car.

2458. She's not even going to look at you.

2459. I don't believe that you kept so much of secret

2460. from me, your father.

2461. Sorry.

2462. Here.

2463. She asked me to give this to you.

2464. Mutton biryani.

2465. For your trip.

2466. Your favorite.

2467. She made it herself, specially for you, with extra potatoes.

2468. Thank you, Ma!

2469. - Is she okay? - Right now?

2470. No.

2471. I'll miss you.

2472. I'm forbidden from hugging you, so...

2473. it was nice to have you as my son.

2474. Good-bye forever.

2475. And do me a favor, when you reach New York,

2476. just text us and tell us that you've reached safely, okay?

2477. I will.

2478. Dad, can I ask you something?

2479. When you and Mom went on your first date,

2480. what movie did you see?

2481. Satte Pe Satta.

2482. Her favorite song.

2483. Why you asking?

2484. I was just curious.

2485. Okay.

2486. - Let's do it. - Let's do it.

2487. - Okay. - All right.

2488. - See you later, dudes. - Let's do it.

2489. - See you. - Hey, we'll text.

2490. - Ooh, sorry. - Yeah, please do.

2491. So, the first time I came to America,

2492. I was, like, 14,

2493. and I was just visiting my uncle in New York,

2494. and it just happened to be Thanksgiving.

2495. My first day in America, my uncle took me

2496. to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.

2497. And I was like, "This is every day in America!"

2498. As advertised.

2499. Every day, they have a party celebrating Garfield.

2500. No day has lived up to that day.

2501. I was, uh, lying to my parents,

2502. I was telling them I was gonna be a lawyer.

2503. And they're very disappointed

2504. 'cause they wanted me to be a doctor.

2505. You guys are like, why didn't you just tell them

2506. that you wanted to be a doctor?

2507. It's a lie anyway, and I'm like,

2508. well, it has to be believable.

2509. If I told them "I want to be a doctor,"

2510. they'd be like, "Bullshit."

2511. If I said "lawyer," they're like, "Oh, okay.

2512. "That's something."

2513. 'Cause there's a strict hierarchy.

2514. It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,

2515. hundreds of jobs,

2516. ISIS, then comedian.

2517. Ah, I'm sorry.

2518. It's very rude to heckle comedians.

2519. Oh, that wasn't a heckle.

2520. I just kind of whoo-hoo'd for you.

2521. Well, see, that's a common misconception.

2522. Heckling doesn't have to be negative.

2523. So if I was like, "Oh, my God, you're amazing in bed!"

2524. That would be a...

2525. heckle?

2526. Yeah, and now you're getting more laughs than me,

2527. and I don't like that.

2528. Do you want to come up, do my job?

2529. Let's talk about...

2530. So, are you from out of town, ma'am?

2531. - Chicago. - Ooh, Windy City.

2532. And what brings you to New York?

2533. - Here to see someone. - And, um...

2534. Have you seen him? Or her? I mean, I don't...

2535. I don't know what your deal is, but...

2536. Yeah, I've seen him.