1. - Throw it here.
- Come on, Nelson, throw it in here!Copy !req
2. - Yeah! You almost had it!
- I get one more?Copy !req
3. Strike three!Copy !req
4. - Here you go. There it is.
- Gretchen, you almost had it.Copy !req
5. - Dang it.
- Nice throw.Copy !req
6. I got a ladder. I'll get it.Copy !req
7. Just tell Mrs. Donnelly it's on the roof.
She can get it whenever she wants.Copy !req
8. That's good thinking, Clark.Copy !req
9. I'll just have 80-year-old
Mrs. Donnelly climb on her roof.Copy !req
10. Okay, cool. Thanks.Copy !req
11. Clark. Hey.Copy !req
12. I was kidding. You can't do that.Copy !req
13. All right, fine.Copy !req
14. Here, give her one of these.Copy !req
15. - This is yesterday's paper.
- Well, at least it's not on the roof.Copy !req
16. Clark, don't pick your nose
in front of me, please.Copy !req
17. I'm not picking, I'm scratching.Copy !req
18. What are you scratching,
your brain?Copy !req
19. Yeah, because it's huge.Copy !req
20. Chain break! Not now!
I have 86 houses left.Copy !req
21. Can you fix it?Copy !req
22. - Gus, what should I do with this?
- I'd flick it.Copy !req
23. Nelson leans in and gets his sign.Copy !req
24. Here comes a fastball.Copy !req
25. Swing and a huge miss
by Gretchen Peterson.Copy !req
26. Hey, losers. We have a practice
scheduled here. You gotta go.Copy !req
27. - I thought your practice was at 4:30.
- It is.Copy !req
28. We wanna have a practice
before our practice.Copy !req
29. - Oh, okay. Can we hit with you?
- No, you suck.Copy !req
30. Why don't you go home
and build your science projects.Copy !req
31. Look, there's room for all of us.
We'll just play catch off to the side.Copy !req
32. Listen, we have a game tomorrow...Copy !req
33. and there's only one field
to practice on.Copy !req
34. So beat it!Copy !req
35. Maybe this is a sign
you should get a car.Copy !req
36. My mother said I should hold off
getting my license one more year.Copy !req
37. You know, just to make sure
my reflexes are fully developed.Copy !req
38. - Stop!
- Hold him, Kyle!Copy !req
39. Troy, I think he wants
some of your famous beef stew.Copy !req
40. - Beef stew! Beef stew!
- Stop!Copy !req
41. Beef stew! Beef stew! Beef stew!Copy !req
42. No, no, no.Copy !req
43. No, stop it.Copy !req
44. Hey! Get off him!Copy !req
45. Later, fart face.Copy !req
46. Yeah, you better run!Copy !req
47. - Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
48. Need us to call your parents
or something?Copy !req
49. It actually...Copy !req
50. didn't taste as bad as you'd think.Copy !req
51. Nelson, wait!
Let's just go to my house!Copy !req
52. Oh, I love beef stew.Copy !req
53. Why do kids have to be
so fricking cruel?Copy !req
54. You know, I haven't been on
an actual field in almost 20 years.Copy !req
55. I've never even been on a field.Copy !req
56. If I tried, the kids in my neighborhood
would spit loogies on my forehead.Copy !req
57. That's awful, Clark.Copy !req
58. Baseball is America's pastime.Copy !req
59. That's like saying
you've never had apple pie.Copy !req
60. You've never had apple pie?Copy !req
61. Well, my mom said
it would give me diarrhea.Copy !req
62. That's ridiculous.
You have to try it at least once.Copy !req
63. Diarrhea?Copy !req
64. No. Baseball. It's the best.Copy !req
65. Let's come back here later
and hit some balls.Copy !req
66. Can I bring Richie?
He's never played either.Copy !req
67. - Yeah, bring Richie. Let's say 4:00.
- All right.Copy !req
68. Hold on. My mom's sending me
a text message.Copy !req
69. No way!Copy !req
70. We're having macaroni tonight!
That means garlic bread! Yes!Copy !req
71. Awesome!Copy !req
72. - Excuse me.
- Yeah?Copy !req
73. I rented this
on your recommendation.Copy !req
74. It's nothing but a lame story
with lesbian sex scenes.Copy !req
75. And you didn't like it?Copy !req
76. I watched it with my parents.
It was uncomfortable.Copy !req
77. - Come on, it's kind of hot.
- No, it's not.Copy !req
78. All right, I'm sorry.Copy !req
79. I'll recommend this:
Haunted S I umber Party.Copy !req
80. - It's actually a pretty decent film.
- No lesbian sex scenes?Copy !req
81. - I think there's two.
- You're a pig.Copy !req
82. - Hey, Richie, are you off yet?
- Easy. I can't leave this second, Clark.Copy !req
83. I don't get to work for an hour a day
like you, paperboy.Copy !req
84. Gus wants us to
hit some baseballs with him.Copy !req
85. Clark, we don't play baseball.Copy !req
86. I told Gus we'd be there, Richie.Copy !req
87. And if we don't go,
that makes me a liar.Copy !req
88. And that's not what I'm about.
Not now, not ever.Copy !req
89. All right, Daytime Emmy.Copy !req
90. Hey, Marty, I'm gonna split early,
all right?Copy !req
91. I don't even know who you are.Copy !req
92. Bros before ho's, dude.Copy !req
93. Liz, honey, do you know
where I packed my baseball mitt?Copy !req
94. No. Gus, if we conceive this month,
we would have the baby in January.Copy !req
95. It would be fun to have
a New Year's baby.Copy !req
96. I can't find it.Copy !req
97. January also has a higher
percentage of it being a girl.Copy !req
98. I found it. I found it.Copy !req
99. I found my mitt, Liz.
It was in the old trunk.Copy !req
100. Be serious. This is important.
My ovulation peaks at 6:00 tonight.Copy !req
101. All right, honey, I love you.
I'll see you later.Copy !req
102. Remember, Gus, 6:00.Copy !req
103. Gotta keep your eye on the ball.Copy !req
104. You just think of that?
You're an amazing coach.Copy !req
105. Just focus, you'll be fine.
Just watch me.Copy !req
106. With this vest, it's hard to swing.
It's tight, you know.Copy !req
107. Quit picking your nose, Clark.
Let's go. Look alive. Coming to you!Copy !req
108. You just lost your membership
at Video Spot!Copy !req
109. Dang it.Copy !req
110. Hey, mister,
we have this field reserved.Copy !req
111. You were the ones
picking on that kid today.Copy !req
112. So? You douche bags
have to get off this field.Copy !req
113. - Where's your coach?
- None of your business.Copy !req
114. We have practice here,
so go, ho!Copy !req
115. Hey, well, no coach, no field. Sorry.Copy !req
116. Leave our field,
or you'll pay the consequences!Copy !req
117. W h a t I s t h I s, Chi I dren o f the C o rn?Copy !req
118. I'm gonna call the cops.Copy !req
119. We are cops. We're Navy SEALs.Copy !req
120. - Navy SEALs aren't cops.
- Aren't you our paperboy?Copy !req
121. I'm undercover.Copy !req
122. All right, you cocky jerks, you want
the field so bad? We'll play you for it.Copy !req
123. But there are nine of us
and three of you.Copy !req
124. So you should beat us no problem.Copy !req
125. - What, are you scared?
- No.Copy !req
126. Yeah, chicken.Copy !req
127. I'm gonna go ask our team.Copy !req
128. This is a bad idea. They look tough.Copy !req
129. I saw that demon boy laying beef
in some nice kid's mouth earlier today.Copy !req
130. Clark used to get beef
laid in his face all the time.Copy !req
131. - Oh, and you didn't?
- I got wedgies, that's different.Copy !req
132. It's cooler.Copy !req
133. - We'll do it.
- Time to meet your makers.Copy !req
134. Makers of what? Poop?Copy !req
135. Coming down!Copy !req
136. - Balls in.
- Don't worry, you'll be fine.Copy !req
137. - Get your position down.
- Troy, strike this loser out.Copy !req
138. - Strike!
- Yeah. Nice one, Troy.Copy !req
139. Don't swing if it's not
in the strike zone.Copy !req
140. - Where's the strike zone?
- Strike two!Copy !req
141. Right there.Copy !req
142. - Strike three.
- Three, you're out!Copy !req
143. - What a loser.
- Sit down, spaz.Copy !req
144. - That kid's throwing heat.
- Heat, schmeat.Copy !req
145. One out!Copy !req
146. Gonna be two outs!Copy !req
147. Hey, I bet you're a real good catcher.
Of doughnuts, in your mouth.Copy !req
148. - Strike!
- Don't chop at it.Copy !req
149. - it's not a sword.
- You're not a sword.Copy !req
150. - Come on.
- Strike two.Copy !req
151. - Oh, that's ugly, man.
- Strike out, video boy.Copy !req
152. Come on, now.Copy !req
153. - Strike three!
- I caught it. You're out.Copy !req
154. - But I ticked it. It hit the bat.
- You're still out.Copy !req
155. You're still fat. I ticked it!Copy !req
156. - I ticked it. Gus, you see that?
- Way to make contact on that one.Copy !req
157. You know what? I was trying
to get under it to rip it into left...Copy !req
158. and throw them off,
but the dog barking threw me.Copy !req
159. - What dog?
- He ran to the bushes.Copy !req
160. It's cool now. All right, go, Gus.
Come on! Let's get rid of these dogs.Copy !req
161. - Strike him out quick!
- Get this guy out!Copy !req
162. - Move in.
- You're going down, shorty.Copy !req
163. - Guy's got nothing.
- Come on, give him a fast one.Copy !req
164. All right, Gus! Awesome!Copy !req
165. All right! Yeah!Copy !req
166. - He just did that steroid-free.
- What's steroids?Copy !req
167. Something that makes
your pee-pee smaller.Copy !req
168. - There must be steroids in macaroni.
- Let's go.Copy !req
169. Yeah!Copy !req
170. Nice!Copy !req
171. - Here we go.
- Batter up.Copy !req
172. Batter up!Copy !req
173. Strike!Copy !req
174. Not so fast!Copy !req
175. You're supposed to catch it
with your glove, not your face.Copy !req
176. Yeah!Copy !req
177. I don't need lip from you,
son of Satan.Copy !req
178. - We're still in this thing.
- It's okay. Next time.Copy !req
179. You're out!Copy !req
180. You're out!Copy !req
181. Strike three, you're out!Copy !req
182. - Come on, Troy. Let's go, Troy.
- He can't hit you. Come on.Copy !req
183. - Yes!
- Yeah, Gus! Are you okay?Copy !req
184. It's over!Copy !req
185. Three, you're out!Copy !req
186. Sorry. Shoot.
Get another homer for us, Gus.Copy !req
187. - Yeah, smack it in the butt.
- Whatever that means.Copy !req
188. I'm gonna keep this one in play.
Give the infield a workout. It's 17-0.Copy !req
189. What an idiot.
Come on, Troy, destroy him!Copy !req
190. Strike him out. Strike this loser—Copy !req
191. Come on, Kyle, are you okay?Copy !req
192. - What happened?
- Get up.Copy !req
193. - Hey, get him up.
- Kyle, you okay?Copy !req
194. - Ball's still alive, chumps.
- Dude, he's gonna score.Copy !req
195. Should somebody call 411?Copy !req
196. He's fine.
He got the wind knocked out of him.Copy !req
197. What's that noise?Copy !req
198. - Get him! Get him!
- Get him!Copy !req
199. I think he just got the wind
knocked back into him.Copy !req
200. Gus, why didn't you play in
high school? You're incredible.Copy !req
201. The whole bully thing, and jocks.
I didn't wanna deal with it.Copy !req
202. Those butts! You could've gone
to the Super Bowl.Copy !req
203. Yeah, that's the past.Copy !req
204. - Hey, Richie, where's your brother?
- Howie! Come out, the guys are here.Copy !req
205. Is he still dealing with agoraphobia?Copy !req
206. Yeah, dude, he hasn't left the house
in six months.Copy !req
207. There he is.Copy !req
208. - Hey, Howie.
- How's it going, buddy?Copy !req
209. Hey, guys.
How did hitting the balls go?Copy !req
210. We played an actual game
against real people. It was classic.Copy !req
211. All these punk teenagers are like,
"Get off our field."Copy !req
212. We're like, "We'll play you for it."
And we did, and we beat them.Copy !req
213. - I hit a foul, dude, it was sweet.
- It was awesome.Copy !req
214. You gotta videotape it next time
so I can see.Copy !req
215. - Buddy, just come with us.
- No. No.Copy !req
216. It's not that scary. And you could use
a little sun, trust me.Copy !req
217. Outside, bad. The sun, scary.Copy !req
218. He's not my friend.
He wants to hurt me. Safe room.Copy !req
219. - I know. Sun, bad. You, cuckoo.
- All right.Copy !req
220. You know the best part about
winning a baseball game?Copy !req
221. - What's that?
- Going to Pizza Hut to celebrate.Copy !req
222. Richie?Copy !req
223. Oh, yeah. Okay, buddy.Copy !req
224. - Is that apple juice?
- No.Copy !req
225. Honestly, you have
real natural athletic skills.Copy !req
226. You could be a terrific ball player.Copy !req
227. When you throw it to me,
and I catch it—Copy !req
228. Not with my face, but with a glove.
—I like it.Copy !req
229. I am starting to get the fever.Copy !req
230. Dude, this chick is so hot.Copy !req
231. What's going on?Copy !req
232. Nothing. Just refilling the bar.Copy !req
233. I love salad.Copy !req
234. Yeah, it's...Copy !req
235. good and good for you.Copy !req
236. I love salad.Copy !req
237. That was some Barry White shit.
Very smooth.Copy !req
238. Yeah, I work it when I have to.Copy !req
239. - How's "Ms. Pac-Man" treating you?
- That red ghost is kicking my balls.Copy !req
240. Yeah, that's them, Uncle Jerry.Copy !req
241. Richie Goodman and Clark Reedy?Copy !req
242. What were you losers doing
on my ball field today?Copy !req
243. - Clark was. I was home.
- They were with me.Copy !req
244. We were just hitting balls. These kids
showed up and we scrimmaged them.Copy !req
245. That is priceless.Copy !req
246. Clork the Dork and Richie Bitchy
playing baseball.Copy !req
247. - Why is that so funny?
- Because they're retards.Copy !req
248. They should stick to what they know:
boogers and dingleberries.Copy !req
249. You, stay away from my field...Copy !req
250. or I'll have my 12-year-old nephew
kick your ass.Copy !req
251. Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.Copy !req
252. - What was that?
- You gave them nicknames.Copy !req
253. I thought I'd give you one.
Fairy Jerry.Copy !req
254. - Oh, really?
- Really.Copy !req
255. Okay, Gus.Copy !req
256. Gus...Copy !req
257. - Gus Bus.
- What?Copy !req
258. That's you. Gus Bus.Copy !req
259. Wow, that was a brutal comeback.Copy !req
260. Let's go, guys. I don't think
I'll ever recover from that.Copy !req
261. Man.Copy !req
262. You stay off my field.Copy !req
263. Stay away from the fairy dust, Jerry.Copy !req
264. - "Gus Bus"?
- Shut up, Troy.Copy !req
265. It was the coolest, Gus.Copy !req
266. Never seen anybody stand up
to Jerry like that.Copy !req
267. I knew guys like that where I grew up.
They think they can do whatever.Copy !req
268. I just wanted to say...Copy !req
269. that was great, the way
you put Jerry McDowell in his place.Copy !req
270. That was no big deal.Copy !req
271. Well, unfortunately for all of us...Copy !req
272. Jerry's in charge of
the baseball league for the county.Copy !req
273. Hey. Are you the kid
that got farted on earlier?Copy !req
274. Yes. This is my son Nelson.Copy !req
275. He's become the fart magnet
for the neighborhood bullies.Copy !req
276. I also get a healthy smear
of animal turds twice daily.Copy !req
277. When I was your age, Fairy Jerry
dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.Copy !req
278. His son just did that to me
last week.Copy !req
279. I tried to talk to Jerry. He just laughed
and gave me a titty twister.Copy !req
280. Guys like that don't realize
the damage they're causing.Copy !req
281. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
282. By the way, thanks for hitting
Kyle Wilson in the chest with the ball...Copy !req
283. then letting me rip one
right in his mouth earlier.Copy !req
284. It was one of the best days
of my life.Copy !req
285. This car is so radical.Copy !req
286. Looks just like K.I.T.T.
from the show K night Rider.Copy !req
287. It is K.I.T.T. from K night Rider.Copy !req
288. Watch this.Copy !req
289. A Il o w me t o intr o duce myse I f.
I'm K. I. T. T.Copy !req
290. Who are you?Copy !req
291. I'm just one of those nerds
who grew up...Copy !req
292. to make billions.Copy !req
293. Maybe I'll see you guys
around sometime.Copy !req
294. I t was a p I easure t o meet y o u a Il.Copy !req
295. E asy, Me I.Copy !req
296. I have yet to perfect the peel-out.Copy !req
297. - It was fine.
- No, no, no. That was cool.Copy !req
298. - Yeah.
- Chicks were checking you out.Copy !req
299. Try n o t t o destr o y me
c o mp I ete I y, Me I.Copy !req
300. Hey, honey, I'm home.Copy !req
301. - Where have you been?
- I was with Clark and Richie.Copy !req
302. I am on an ovulating schedule.
You were supposed to be here at 6:00.Copy !req
303. I thought you meant
Central Mountain Time.Copy !req
304. Did you mean
Pacific Standard Time?Copy !req
305. - Why would you think that?
- Because you're from Colorado.Copy !req
306. Don't you ovulate
according to where you're born?Copy !req
307. Gus, that's just weird.Copy !req
308. So from now on,
it's Pacific Standard Time.Copy !req
309. Pacific Standard Time.
I'm all over that, baby. I love you.Copy !req
310. Check out this mitt. It's all black.Copy !req
311. I look like a Borack warrior
from the Captain Mighty series.Copy !req
312. Well, get a load of Mega Mitt.Copy !req
313. Hey! Hey! What the—?Copy !req
314. Watch it!Copy !req
315. Clark? Richie?Copy !req
316. I hardly recognize you clowns
without underwear on your head.Copy !req
317. Brad. You have really
not slimmed down.Copy !req
318. Oh, eat me.Copy !req
319. So I heard from Jerry you tools
think you're athletes now.Copy !req
320. I didn't know "athlete"
had three syllables. "A-tha-lete."Copy !req
321. That's "ama-za-zing."Copy !req
322. You think you're hot shit
because you know words.Copy !req
323. Why don't you be a stud
and point us toward the register.Copy !req
324. Or "register-er."Copy !req
325. My team practices today at 5.
Swing by if you she-men wanna lose.Copy !req
326. You can't handle the truth!Copy !req
327. - Bring it!
- Suck it!Copy !req
328. Gus!Copy !req
329. Gus!Copy !req
330. He can't hear us.Copy !req
331. Hey, fellas.Copy !req
332. - You okay, Richie?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Just purple nuts.Copy !req
333. We just had a run-in with one of our
old bullies at the sporting goods store.Copy !req
334. - What happened?
- He said we're wussies...Copy !req
335. and he challenged us to a game.Copy !req
336. - I don't know if you can leave work.
- Of course I can.Copy !req
337. I'll mow this later.
Let's take this guy down.Copy !req
338. I think I'm gonna puke.
Grab my arm.Copy !req
339. Bobby, this one's coming for you.
Focus and give us a double play now.Copy !req
340. Let's go!Copy !req
341. Thattaway. Good job.Copy !req
342. Looks like the Three Muske-queers
decided to show up.Copy !req
343. Everybody, get your butts in here.
Time for us to scrimmage some losers.Copy !req
344. Yeah, we got a "scrim-im-age."
Come on!Copy !req
345. How the hell will this work
with three guys?Copy !req
346. We got a pitcher, a catcher,
and a fielder.Copy !req
347. No, you've got a retarded paperboy,
a gay video clerk...Copy !req
348. and a smelly midget.Copy !req
349. You wanna dance?
I'll dance on your face.Copy !req
350. Dance? We'll beat your ass.Copy !req
351. - Death to you.
- Titty twister!Copy !req
352. My wife's the only one
who gets to twist these man-titties.Copy !req
353. I just know you guys better—
Better come ready to play!Copy !req
354. Gus is the new Jet Li.Copy !req
355. Bring it on!Copy !req
356. Hey, Dad, come down
to the field, quick!Copy !req
357. Strike one!Copy !req
358. Strike two!Copy !req
359. Strike three!Copy !req
360. - Hey!
- What? It slipped.Copy !req
361. Strike three!Copy !req
362. Hey! What are you laughing at?Copy !req
363. He told me a joke.Copy !req
364. - Let's go, Richie!
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
365. Hey, Dad, come here. Look.Copy !req
366. Might wanna throw a fielder
up in those mountains, in case:Copy !req
367. - What you got?
- Strike!Copy !req
368. Pulled something. Used to run track.Copy !req
369. Come on, Richie.Copy !req
370. - Strike two!
- I didn't swing at that. Can't count it.Copy !req
371. Strike three!Copy !req
372. Could you tell him to slow it down?Copy !req
373. Did you tell him?Copy !req
374. - Here you go, Clark.
- Thanks, Nelson.Copy !req
375. You're welcome.Copy !req
376. Home run!Copy !req
377. Yeah! Yeah, did you see that?Copy !req
378. All right! You hit another homer!Copy !req
379. Howie! He just hit a home run!Copy !req
380. Strike one! Strike two! Strike three!Copy !req
381. Can I get you a tennis racket?Copy !req
382. No!Copy !req
383. Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo.Copy !req
384. - Great game.
- Hey, thanks, Mel.Copy !req
385. Say, guys, I have this sensational idea
I wanna run by you.Copy !req
386. Are you free for lunch tomorrow?Copy !req
387. I usually take lunch from 12 to 4:30,
so if it's in there I could handle it.Copy !req
388. Tomorrow is egg salad day...Copy !req
389. but I guess I could
double up on lunch.Copy !req
390. Gus, what do you think?Copy !req
391. - One sounds good.
- Great.Copy !req
392. I'm at 501 Shmegmer Street.Copy !req
393. - See you then.
- See you, Nelson.Copy !req
394. - Bye. Bye, guys.
- What do you think it's about?Copy !req
395. - Dude, you're in trouble.
- No way.Copy !req
396. You're definitely busted.Copy !req
397. I didn't do anything. I swear!Copy !req
398. - This is it?
- I always wondered who lived here.Copy !req
399. I just thought it was Clay Aiken
or something.Copy !req
400. - Wh o g o es there?
- That is so cool!Copy !req
401. It's Gus, Clark and Richie.
We're here to see Mel.Copy !req
402. - Y o u may enter.
- Thanks, Darth.Copy !req
403. "Thanks, Darth."Copy !req
404. - This place is sick, yo.
- This house must cost a zillion dollars.Copy !req
405. Two zillion, actually.Copy !req
406. Hey, Mel. This place is incredible.Copy !req
407. Thank you, Gus. Gentlemen,
welcome to Chateau Shmegmer.Copy !req
408. Shall we adjourn
to the food quarters?Copy !req
409. Gentlemen, make yourselves
at home.Copy !req
410. Yoda! R2!Copy !req
411. Number 7!Copy !req
412. Lunch is ready when y o u are,
Mr. Carmichae I.Copy !req
413. - Hey, Number 7.
- D o n't t o uch me!Copy !req
414. Gentlemen, let's eat.
Sit wherever you please.Copy !req
415. Gentlemen, order any kind
of sandwich you'd like.Copy !req
416. Number 7, thank you.Copy !req
417. I'll have a peanut-butter-and-jelly
sandwich with mayonnaise.Copy !req
418. Can I have tuna fish and Skittles...Copy !req
419. and pudding skin on wheat,
with the crust cut off?Copy !req
420. I guess s o.Copy !req
421. That was radical!Copy !req
422. All right, I got a crazy one for you,
Number 7.Copy !req
423. I'd like a turkey on white—Copy !req
424. He's good.Copy !req
425. So, what's on your mind, Mel?Copy !req
426. Gentlemen, it is time we brought
this cause into the public eye.Copy !req
427. - What cause?
- The cause of the benchwarmers...Copy !req
428. the kids who warm the bench while
the others get to play and have fun.Copy !req
429. All of us here in this room have been
excluded from athletic activities...Copy !req
430. and now our kids are going through
the same tomfoolery.Copy !req
431. - Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
- Never had a date.Copy !req
432. - Clark?
- Never spoke to a girl.Copy !req
433. - Gus?
- My wife and I are working on it.Copy !req
434. Well, when you do have them...Copy !req
435. you will know how painful it is
to see them sad.Copy !req
436. - B o nj o ur, dudes.
- Hey, Nelson.Copy !req
437. - How's it going?
- There's my man.Copy !req
438. Son, you have a little smear
of something on your cheek.Copy !req
439. From a dog or a cat?Copy !req
440. I think it's a goat.Copy !req
441. Number 7,
some assistance, please.Copy !req
442. Thanks, Number 7.
You're my best friend.Copy !req
443. As y o u are mine, Ne I s o n.Copy !req
444. That's so cool.Copy !req
445. Now, this is why I wanna start
a round-robin tournament...Copy !req
446. with you incredible men against all
the notoriously mean-spirited teams.Copy !req
447. But why us three?Copy !req
448. Because you know what it feels like
to be left out.Copy !req
449. You're three grown men
who never got to play baseball...Copy !req
450. because you were weird
and smelled and sat when you peed.Copy !req
451. Okay, the last one was just me.
But you get my point.Copy !req
452. But why would any of these teams
agree to play in this tournament?Copy !req
453. For the prize.Copy !req
454. - That's incredible!
- Killer!Copy !req
455. An official-size stadium,
modeled to scale...Copy !req
456. after all the greatest ballparks
in America.Copy !req
457. Like Wrigley, Fenway
and Yankee Stadium.Copy !req
458. Nelson and his buddies have set up
websites devoted to your team.Copy !req
459. You can go on Nerdly.net,
TheBenchwarmers.org...Copy !req
460. or Please-stop-with-the-shit-tossing-
it's-getting-old.com.Copy !req
461. Why don't you just build a stadium
for Nelson and his buddies...Copy !req
462. - ... and keep everybody else out?
- That won't solve anything.Copy !req
463. Yeah, Clark.Copy !req
464. If we can beat them
at their own game...Copy !req
465. then kids like Nelson
and his buddies will get respect.Copy !req
466. We'll do it. Come on.Copy !req
467. Benchwarmers on three.
One, two, three.Copy !req
468. Benchwarmers!Copy !req
469. Can I get a napkin?
I spilled my ice cream.Copy !req
470. On the counter.Copy !req
471. Excuse me, sir.
Are you Gus Matthews?Copy !req
472. Sorry. I spit a lot when I speak.
People despise me for it.Copy !req
473. People spit. I mean, I spit
when I talk sometimes, too, you know?Copy !req
474. My name is Sammy.
They call me Sammy Sprinkler.Copy !req
475. Pleased to meet you, Sammy.
I'm Gus. Gus Bus.Copy !req
476. Hey, if I come to a game...Copy !req
477. can I be your scorekeeper
and statistician?Copy !req
478. - Certainly.
- Yes!Copy !req
479. - All right. See you later, Sammy.
- You're the man, Gus. Peace out.Copy !req
480. All right.Copy !req
481. Who was that boy?Copy !req
482. I'm just seeing if he might be
interested in babysitting our triplets.Copy !req
483. - Why are you spitting on me?
- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.Copy !req
484. This is idiotic.Copy !req
485. Are these guys serious about
this benchwarmer crap?Copy !req
486. - It sounds like it.
- I'm not playing in this stinking thing.Copy !req
487. If there weren't nerds in the world,
who would we throw crap at?Copy !req
488. No doubt. But what if we don't play,
and they win it?Copy !req
489. They'll probably build
some weird nerd spaceship...Copy !req
490. and fly it to Planet Booger
or something, I don't know.Copy !req
491. Now, guys,
it's one-game elimination.Copy !req
492. They're as good as done.Copy !req
493. You know what? You're right.Copy !req
494. Let's strap it on, and beat these three
geeks, and win us a new stadium.Copy !req
495. Let's get it on!Copy !req
496. This green one is sweet.
Oh, all right. Okay.Copy !req
497. We have a crowd, you guys.Copy !req
498. Excellent!Copy !req
499. - Crap! What is she doing here?
- Who is it?Copy !req
500. - It's that salad chick from Pizza Hut.
- She's so hot, it's sick.Copy !req
501. - Hey, she's with me.
- You wish.Copy !req
502. Good afternoon, gentlemen.
How you feeling?Copy !req
503. I just destroyed that Porta-Potty,
but I'm feeling better.Copy !req
504. Who did this?Copy !req
505. Sorry!Copy !req
506. Listen, I got a gift for you.Copy !req
507. I never had my own uniform before.Copy !req
508. We can't have a team
without uniforms.Copy !req
509. I'm never taking this off.
This is the coolest thing ever.Copy !req
510. This is the first game of
the tournament. Let's go out styling.Copy !req
511. Nelson, you showed some serious
bat-retrieving skills last game.Copy !req
512. What do you say about being
the Benchwarmers' official batboy?Copy !req
513. - That means yes!
- All right!Copy !req
514. Come on! What are we waiting for?
Let's kick some hairless ass!Copy !req
515. I had hair on my ass
before I could walk.Copy !req
516. This is it, kids.Copy !req
517. The Benchwarmers' quest
for a stadium is about to begin.Copy !req
518. - Karl's!
- Karl's Auto Body, the bad guys...Copy !req
519. have taken the fie I d in o ur I nternet
P o dcast o f Benchwarmers baseba Il.Copy !req
520. First t o bat, Richie G oo dman.Copy !req
521. Fingers crossed.Copy !req
522. - Come on, Richie.
- Easy out here. Let's go.Copy !req
523. The pitcher pitches...Copy !req
524. Strike!Copy !req
525. I ticked it.Copy !req
526. I ticked it again.Copy !req
527. Strike!Copy !req
528. Nice try, son.Copy !req
529. - Just fouled two in front of salad girl.
- Nice.Copy !req
530. Next up to bat, Clark Reedy.Copy !req
531. All right, Clark. Here we go.
You're the man.Copy !req
532. Those squirrels are definitely out.Copy !req
533. That's my Miata! Kill him!Copy !req
534. Hey, break it up!Copy !req
535. Why is this happening?Copy !req
536. Come on! Snap his femur!Copy !req
537. Richie, help me!Copy !req
538. Help me!Copy !req
539. Mommy!Copy !req
540. Come on, Gus.Copy !req
541. - We need it.
- You can do it.Copy !req
542. - Home run!
- Yeah!Copy !req
543. Strike!Copy !req
544. Strike!Copy !req
545. Another one!Copy !req
546. Oh, my God!Copy !req
547. Strike!Copy !req
548. Strike!Copy !req
549. Gus Bus! Gus Bus! Gus Bus!Copy !req
550. This can't just be about me.
I gotta get these guys more involved.Copy !req
551. - Look alive, Clark!
- I wanna go home.Copy !req
552. No, we need you, buddy.Copy !req
553. No, you don't. I'm awful.Copy !req
554. Come on, now.Copy !req
555. Let's go, Tommy!Copy !req
556. This one's coming
right to you, Clark.Copy !req
557. It's up, Clark! Clark!Copy !req
558. Clark, look out!Copy !req
559. Attaboy! Good job!Copy !req
560. All right! Good throw!Copy !req
561. Use your mitt, son, not your head!Copy !req
562. Get it in here, pal! Get it in here.Copy !req
563. Hold, hold, hold. Good job.Copy !req
564. Gus, come on. Let's end this.Copy !req
565. Two outs. Strike this kid out,
like before.Copy !req
566. A home run here would tie it up...Copy !req
567. and knock the Benchwarmers
out of the tournament.Copy !req
568. There we go! Nice! Go! Run!Copy !req
569. Make the play, Clark!Copy !req
570. Clark, go!Copy !req
571. Pick up the ball!Copy !req
572. Run! Go, go, go!Copy !req
573. Richie! Incoming!Copy !req
574. What did you say?Copy !req
575. - There we go! Nice! Go!
- Richie, get the ball!Copy !req
576. The ball?Copy !req
577. Behind you!Copy !req
578. You're out!Copy !req
579. What are you doing?Copy !req
580. Yes!Copy !req
581. I'm sorry, honey,
we had another game today.Copy !req
582. I pulled a muscle
sliding into second.Copy !req
583. - You gotta be kidding.
- It's all right, I was safe.Copy !req
584. Gus, we're trying to start a family.
I can't do it by myself.Copy !req
585. I would hope not, because that
would make you a hermaphrodite.Copy !req
586. We don't want that.Copy !req
587. I'm glad this is a big joke to you.Copy !req
588. Honey, I was just having a little fun.Copy !req
589. Come on, don't go.Copy !req
590. Gentlemen, yesterday's performance
was phenomenal.Copy !req
591. All the online chat rooms
are exploding with enthusiasm.Copy !req
592. Hey, Mel, why aren't we out practicing
on the field?Copy !req
593. Well, I thought we could have
kind of a secret practice.Copy !req
594. Maybe become more well-rounded
as a unit.Copy !req
595. Nothing much.
Hitting, running, throwing, catching.Copy !req
596. - Yeah, Clark.
- I heard y o u stunk.Copy !req
597. - Shut up, Number 7.
- Y o u shut up.Copy !req
598. I'll kill you.Copy !req
599. I want you guys to meet
an old friend of mine...Copy !req
600. who knows a thing or two
about baseball.Copy !req
601. Ready when you are, buddy!Copy !req
602. - Is that Mr. T?
- Dude, it's Dr. Dre.Copy !req
603. No, no.Copy !req
604. That's Reggie Jackson.Copy !req
605. Yeah, no, I don't know.Copy !req
606. Mr. October! Five hundred
and sixty-three home runs.Copy !req
607. Twice World Series MVP...Copy !req
608. where he spanked
four consecutive home runs.Copy !req
609. Three on three pitches.Copy !req
610. Reggie bar and I met at tuba camp
when we were kids.Copy !req
611. - Look at that.
- Oh, no way.Copy !req
612. - That's you, Reggie?
- Why is that so funny?Copy !req
613. - I was a cute kid.
- Oh, absolutely.Copy !req
614. You're like a young Denzel.Copy !req
615. I didn't know Denzel played Urkel.Copy !req
616. Reginator and I went through
some tough times...Copy !req
617. with bullies and being picked on.Copy !req
618. I can't stand that stuff.
Drives me crazy!Copy !req
619. - Crazy!
- Easy, buddy.Copy !req
620. Easy.Copy !req
621. Anyway,
I told Reggie-Reggie-Oxen-Free...Copy !req
622. we're having problems
with our fundamentals.Copy !req
623. He agreed to come and help us
run some drills. Isn't that great?Copy !req
624. We'll do the same drills that I did
when I was a kid learning to play.Copy !req
625. All right.Copy !req
626. Hey, so whose house is this?Copy !req
627. This is to teach you speed.Copy !req
628. How is standing here gonna teach us
speed? What are you doing?Copy !req
629. - Hey, run!
- Why?Copy !req
630. - Go, go!
- Reggie, you're nuts!Copy !req
631. Go, go, go!Copy !req
632. Who in the hell is it?
I was freaking sleeping!Copy !req
633. Nobody messes with me!Copy !req
634. I will rip your throat out!
Do you hear me?Copy !req
635. And I will find you!Copy !req
636. You're in the bushes!Copy !req
637. I'm sorry!Copy !req
638. I'm sorry! Go back to sleep!Copy !req
639. - Come on, guys, let's go. Come on.
- Run, run, run.Copy !req
640. Who's there?Copy !req
641. You better run, you smart alecks!Copy !req
642. - Who is it, Brad?
- Just a bunch of punks...Copy !req
643. who better watch their backs!Copy !req
644. Relax, smarty pants.
Let's finish the massage.Copy !req
645. - Brad have a pool?
- I don't think so.Copy !req
646. Yeah, I guess you're right.Copy !req
647. Oh, you little devil.
I'm gonna get you.Copy !req
648. Nightmares.Copy !req
649. This next drill, boys, is for your
catch-and-quick-release skills.Copy !req
650. Hot potato!Copy !req
651. No!Copy !req
652. Excellent, Clark.Copy !req
653. Clark, let it go!Copy !req
654. - Throw it! Get rid of it!
- Come on, let it go!Copy !req
655. Release! Release! Release!Copy !req
656. S o rry.Copy !req
657. O h, dear.Copy !req
658. We Il...Copy !req
659. The final drill is for
hand-eye coordination. Hit it, Mel!Copy !req
660. Let's go racing!Copy !req
661. - Look at that! Excellent!
- That's insane!Copy !req
662. - Yeah, baby!
- You got it, buddy.Copy !req
663. That's my friend!Copy !req
664. Give me the bat.Copy !req
665. Gus Bus! Gus Bus!Copy !req
666. Thattaway to go.Copy !req
667. Don't fall.Copy !req
668. - You got it. You can do it.
- Hit it, baby!Copy !req
669. Man, you can do it. You can do it.
Let me see it.Copy !req
670. Clark, you're lucky I'm a billionaire.Copy !req
671. The so o re is a Il tied up.Copy !req
672. The bottom of the sixth. This is
the Benchwarmers' closest battle yet.Copy !req
673. Strike.Copy !req
674. All right, Clark.
See the ball, be the ball.Copy !req
675. Strike two!Copy !req
676. - Clark just made contact.
- With his own head.Copy !req
677. Grab real tight and concen—Copy !req
678. Hey!Copy !req
679. - Better distance that time. Yeah.
- Thanks.Copy !req
680. Richie's coming up.
The Benchwarmers need a hit here.Copy !req
681. All right, Richie, here we go.Copy !req
682. She's way out of your league.Copy !req
683. - What's?
- You're probably a 39-year-old virgin.Copy !req
684. Women don't think that's too cute.Copy !req
685. Shouldn't you be at home,
like, combing your doll's hair?Copy !req
686. Shouldn't you be at home
blowing a doll up?Copy !req
687. That's the only action a tool like you
is ever gonna get.Copy !req
688. Take it out on the ball, not his head.Copy !req
689. Run! Run!Copy !req
690. Move your ass, Richie!Copy !req
691. - Run, Richie, run!
- You got it! Way to run!Copy !req
692. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
693. Slide if you have to!Copy !req
694. He's rounding third
and heading for home!Copy !req
695. Bring it, dork.Copy !req
696. Touch home plate!
Touch home plate!Copy !req
697. Richie, touch home!Copy !req
698. - Safe!
- He scores!Copy !req
699. - Benchwarmers win!
- It's a miracle! It's a miracle!Copy !req
700. I ain't a virgin now...Copy !req
701. to home runs, beyotch!Copy !req
702. The Benchwarmers win a c I o se o ne
o n Richie's first h o me run...Copy !req
703. in the hist o ry o f the universe.
We'll see y o u in game three.Copy !req
704. - I never hit it.
- Can we have your autographs?Copy !req
705. Are you serious?Copy !req
706. - Yeah, you can.
- All right.Copy !req
707. Write my name on the ball?Copy !req
708. You see that home run?
Tell your sister about it.Copy !req
709. Wait, do you need my address too?Copy !req
710. You guys are making some noise.
This is music to my ear hair.Copy !req
711. My dad has ear hair.
It's pretty scary.Copy !req
712. Is "badass" one or two words?Copy !req
713. - How do they keep winning?
- These guys are turd nuggets!Copy !req
714. - Who wants to wrestle?
- I'm in.Copy !req
715. - All right.
- I'm good, I'm good.Copy !req
716. Gotcha.Copy !req
717. Howie, look,
they're not gonna kill you, all right?Copy !req
718. They're dropping off
the cookies I ordered.Copy !req
719. They look very aggressive.Copy !req
720. - I think they wanna beat me up.
- Trust me, you'll be fine.Copy !req
721. Just take the Thin Mints back
into the apartment.Copy !req
722. - That's our food for the week.
- Fine.Copy !req
723. You can eat the Thin Mints
at my funeral, Richie.Copy !req
724. Hot. Hot.Copy !req
725. Hot sun.Copy !req
726. Cookie.Copy !req
727. Sun, bad! Sun, bad!Copy !req
728. Excuse me?Copy !req
729. - Are you okay?
- How you doing? Yeah. Wrong pipe.Copy !req
730. - No biggie. What's going on?
- Just returning these movies.Copy !req
731. Hey, well, I'm the management
so I'm gonna waive the late fee.Copy !req
732. Oh, they're not late. But thank you.Copy !req
733. Well, anything you want
in the store is free too, so...Copy !req
734. I'm Sarah,
and this is my brother Jarrett.Copy !req
735. He's a huge fan of yours
and the Benchwarmers.Copy !req
736. Cool. Thanks for cheering us on.Copy !req
737. Hey, what does "beyotch" mean?Copy !req
738. That's...Copy !req
739. That means "good game"
in Swedlandia.Copy !req
740. Well, we'll let you get back to work.Copy !req
741. Okay. But maybe I'll see you
at another game, hopefully?Copy !req
742. Yeah. Definitely.Copy !req
743. - All right. See you, Jarrett.
- Beyotch yesterday.Copy !req
744. Marty, what do you think
of my future wife?Copy !req
745. I smell cinnamon rolls.Copy !req
746. Oh, I smell cinnamon rolls too.Copy !req
747. Gentlemen, check it out.Copy !req
748. Nerd headquarters.
Never felt more comfortable in my life.Copy !req
749. Hey, guys, take a gander at these.
We made your own baseball cards.Copy !req
750. - Give me that.
- Let me see this.Copy !req
751. - What?
- They got statistics.Copy !req
752. - I hit 30 home runs.
- I got 11 foul ticks.Copy !req
753. I have 20 eyes-closed strikeouts, five
broken windshields, six dead birds.Copy !req
754. I'm freaking awesome!Copy !req
755. Now listen up. Brookdale and Candia
both advanced today.Copy !req
756. We have to beat them
to make it to the semifinals.Copy !req
757. Unfortunately, it is on
their own home turf.Copy !req
758. We'll have to hit the road
for a few days.Copy !req
759. - Did you say Brookdale?
- Yeah, aren't you from Brookdale?Copy !req
760. - Yeah.
- Oh, that's great.Copy !req
761. We'll have a big
welcome-home party for you.Copy !req
762. No!Copy !req
763. I mean, it's all right.Copy !req
764. I lost contact with everybody there.Copy !req
765. Wait, so we're staying overnight?Copy !req
766. Does my mother have to sign
a permission slip?Copy !req
767. No, but we will have to change
your diaper.Copy !req
768. Seriously, it's been three days.Copy !req
769. Sweetheart, I have to leave town
for a landscaping convention.Copy !req
770. You never mentioned
a landscaping convention before.Copy !req
771. I know. This is the first one.Copy !req
772. My ovulation schedule is delayed
because of the full moon anyway.Copy !req
773. So it's okay.Copy !req
774. Hey, Gussie,
imagine if we had a boy first...Copy !req
775. and he grew up to be smart
and sweet and handsome.Copy !req
776. Or imagine he's only 3 feet tall...Copy !req
777. and everybody in the school calls
him Midget Boy or Yoda.Copy !req
778. Then, just for fun,
they throw him into bowling pins...Copy !req
779. and laugh until
they pee all over themselves.Copy !req
780. Were you Midget Boy or Yoda?Copy !req
781. I don't wanna talk about it.Copy !req
782. Just make some room, honey,
I gotta take a leak.Copy !req
783. Oh, my God, you're not kidding!
Gus, stop it!Copy !req
784. Mel is officially insane.Copy !req
785. Oh, my God.Copy !req
786. Right?Copy !req
787. Gus, how sick is this?
It sleeps five and it's got Playstation.Copy !req
788. Check out the fridge, it's full of sweets.
I'm already on my third candy bar.Copy !req
789. - Oh, man.
- Mother would not approve of this.Copy !req
790. That's creepy.Copy !req
791. - What the hell is that?
- That's just Howie.Copy !req
792. Howie? You left the house.
Good for you.Copy !req
793. Richie told me about the killer
in the neighborhood.Copy !req
794. He's killing anyone named Howie.
That's my name. That's my name.Copy !req
795. Just go with it.Copy !req
796. Let's go, boys, we gotta be
in Candia by 2:00. Oh, FYI:Copy !req
797. This team we're playing is notorious
for egging comic-book conventions.Copy !req
798. Destroy them!Copy !req
799. Howie, you're a freak.Copy !req
800. Edgar, let's get this Gus Bus
on the road.Copy !req
801. Game t hree. Benchwarmers vs.
Standard Fence at Candia City Park.Copy !req
802. - Are we here?
- Loser!Copy !req
803. I think we are.Copy !req
804. It's sixth inning and the Benchwarmers
are down by one run...Copy !req
805. with Clark Reedy up on deck.Copy !req
806. - Clark, hold the bat.
- Wait. Why?Copy !req
807. - That's good.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
808. - Oh, I see.
- It's gonna be great.Copy !req
809. Hey, Richie! I look like a mummy!Copy !req
810. - God, it worked!
- Clark got a hit!Copy !req
811. - Awesome!
- The other way!Copy !req
812. Come on, run it out!Copy !req
813. Let's go! Yeah!Copy !req
814. And Richie scores!
That ties it up, four to four!Copy !req
815. I made it! I made it! Yeah!Copy !req
816. Clark, bend down.Copy !req
817. What the heck was that?
I mean, come on!Copy !req
818. What a moron!Copy !req
819. The ball gets away from the catcher!
Gus goes to second!Copy !req
820. Go! He missed it!Copy !req
821. Hey! What the—? Let go!Copy !req
822. - Go, Gus, go!
- You got it!Copy !req
823. - Come on, over here! Third!
- I got it! You got it. You got it.Copy !req
824. Get the ball! Get the ball! Home!Copy !req
825. Yeah!Copy !req
826. It burns.Copy !req
827. - Hot.
- It burns. It burns.Copy !req
828. And the Benchwarmers win it, 5-4.Copy !req
829. Look at all these people.
We're like the Beatles.Copy !req
830. Or Wham!Copy !req
831. Get your Benchwarmers souvenirs.Copy !req
832. Slide rules, pocket protectors,
pennants.Copy !req
833. We got everything you need.Copy !req
834. Welcome to Brookdale for game four.
Benchwarmers ball is on the Internet.Copy !req
835. Coach Bellows, Gus Matthews
from the Benchwarmers.Copy !req
836. Shake hands
and have a good game.Copy !req
837. Matthews. That sounds familiar.
You from around here?Copy !req
838. No.Copy !req
839. I grew up on the North Pole.Copy !req
840. Not even close to here.Copy !req
841. And here's the pitch.Copy !req
842. It's a high fly ball!Copy !req
843. Bad news.
The Benchwarmers are behind, 2-0.Copy !req
844. Gus is up. Clark's on third.Copy !req
845. He smacked that one!Copy !req
846. - No!
- Relax.Copy !req
847. This game is all tied up.Copy !req
848. Richie hit a four-footer.
Go, Richie!Copy !req
849. Run it out! Run it out! Get there!Copy !req
850. He's safe! He's safe! He's safe!Copy !req
851. - Way to go! Run it out!
- He's rounding third.Copy !req
852. Richie scores!Copy !req
853. Clark overran third base.Copy !req
854. - Safe!
- Yeah!Copy !req
855. Too high! Bad idea! Call 911!Copy !req
856. That was close. Benchwarmers, 3-2.
Brookdale Glass is shattered!Copy !req
857. - Hey, could we please leave, Mel?
- What? Oh, yeah, sure.Copy !req
858. Gus!Copy !req
859. Gus, maybe this'll relax you.Copy !req
860. Fresh off the presses
o f The Dai I y Shmegmer.Copy !req
861. - We're on the front page.
- No way!Copy !req
862. "Benchwarmers Get Hizzot
and Rizoll Into Semi-Fizinals."Copy !req
863. Mel, if my wife sees this,
I'm totally busted.Copy !req
864. Do not fret, my good man.Copy !req
865. Number 7 is covering
Clark's paper route.Copy !req
866. Pr o b I em s o I ved, Gus.Copy !req
867. Welcome to the semifinals
of Mel's tournament.Copy !req
868. Wayne's Hardware stands between
the Benchwarmers and the final game.Copy !req
869. Meanwhile, the nerd fans
are attempting their first wave ever.Copy !req
870. Hey, Jerry, what's going on?Copy !req
871. Who's this?Copy !req
872. I wanted you guys to have a little edge
today, so I brought my friend Carlos.Copy !req
873. He is from the Dominican Republic,
and he is one incredible ball player.Copy !req
874. Carlos, that's great.Copy !req
875. - How old are you?
- I am 12.Copy !req
876. More like 1200.Copy !req
877. Check my birth certificate.Copy !req
878. He's legit.Copy !req
879. You're kidding.
This is green crayon.Copy !req
880. That's your kid?Copy !req
881. Well, thanks a lot, Jerry,
but my team kicks ass.Copy !req
882. - I think we'll be fine.
- Well, he's here if you need him.Copy !req
883. - I need a refill.
- You need to go to an AA meeting.Copy !req
884. No, really. I need a refill.Copy !req
885. Here, hold this.Copy !req
886. Look, a vampire.Copy !req
887. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
888. Strike three!Copy !req
889. It's a hit parade!Copy !req
890. Time-out!Copy !req
891. It's about time. You're in, you're in.
Give me that.Copy !req
892. Come on, h o mbre.
We need much o home run-o's.Copy !req
893. - Dude, you smell like beer.
- You look like beer.Copy !req
894. - Hey, who the hell's this guy?
- Sorry.Copy !req
895. - Is he on your roster?
- Yeah, of course he is.Copy !req
896. He wasn't well earlier,
so I couldn't play him.Copy !req
897. Mi tummy es sick-o.Copy !req
898. This guy's 50. He's got a mustache.Copy !req
899. Not according to birth "certifico."Copy !req
900. He's got documentation. Play ball!Copy !req
901. Get out of here, baby!
Get out of here, baby!Copy !req
902. Yeah!Copy !req
903. O h, shit.Copy !req
904. Howie, listen, take this money...Copy !req
905. go buy beer and tequila,
and come right back.Copy !req
906. - Don't be scared.
- I don't wanna do that.Copy !req
907. Go, go, go.Copy !req
908. - Nelson.
- You're all right.Copy !req
909. Strike three!Copy !req
910. You gotta step in the batter's box.Copy !req
911. I'm gonna kill your family.Copy !req
912. Yes!Copy !req
913. - Yeah!
- Gone!Copy !req
914. Looks like the Gus Bus
is out of gas.Copy !req
915. I got it! I got it!Copy !req
916. That's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
917. Third inning, and the Benchwarmers
cling to a one-run lead.Copy !req
918. Your hair is like a waterfall.Copy !req
919. - Thank you.
- Carlos.Copy !req
920. Who say my name?Copy !req
921. This is a present
from the Benchwarmers.Copy !req
922. You're really good at baseball.
Awesome.Copy !req
923. Gracias, albino. Now get lost!Copy !req
924. Two outs and the Benchwarmers
hanging on, 6-5.Copy !req
925. - Go, go, go!
- Gus, go!Copy !req
926. - Safe!
- Yes! He did it!Copy !req
927. - He did it!
- No way! God!Copy !req
928. My hand!Copy !req
929. Top of the sixth,
Benchwarmers leading, 7-5.Copy !req
930. That looks rough, dude.
Is it broken?Copy !req
931. It's not broken, but I can't pitch.Copy !req
932. - Richie, can you pitch?
- Hell, no, dude. I can't even catch.Copy !req
933. - My vote is to have Clark pitch.
- Wait, why me?Copy !req
934. You throw newspapers.
You have to have some arm.Copy !req
935. - Come on, come on. Let's go, guys.
- Clark, we have no other choice.Copy !req
936. - What are you gonna do?
- I'll play the outfield.Copy !req
937. I can still catch pop flies.Copy !req
938. I'll try.Copy !req
939. I wonder if Clark pitched before.Copy !req
940. - Nope.
- Come on, really burn it in.Copy !req
941. Ball three.Copy !req
942. Come on.Copy !req
943. Ball four. Take your base.Copy !req
944. Two-run lead. Bases are loaded,
and Carlos is coming up.Copy !req
945. One run scores.Copy !req
946. The tying run scores.Copy !req
947. Here comes the lead run!
And he is...Copy !req
948. - Out!
- Oh, my God! What a play!Copy !req
949. We go to the bottom of the last inning,
and it's all tied up.Copy !req
950. Carlos, we need tres more outs
to go into extra innings.Copy !req
951. Is that beer?Copy !req
952. No, it's Gatorade, honky.
Just give me the ball.Copy !req
953. The Benchwarmers need something
against Carlos. He's unhittable.Copy !req
954. It's a live ball! Run it out!
Clark, run it out!Copy !req
955. Yes!Copy !req
956. Maria...Copy !req
957. why did you leave me?Copy !req
958. Letting a 12-year-old drink like that
is disgusting.Copy !req
959. Here we g o, Richie, here we g o!Copy !req
960. - Ball!
- Come on, ump, he's ducking it!Copy !req
961. Here we go, Richie, here we go!Copy !req
962. Take your base.Copy !req
963. Gus is up, and here's the pitch.Copy !req
964. Safe!Copy !req
965. Hey, who's on deck?Copy !req
966. - Damn!
- Oh, no. They don't have anyone else.Copy !req
967. - They have to forfeit.
- What?Copy !req
968. - You have any reserve players?
- No.Copy !req
969. What about that guy over there
eating sun block?Copy !req
970. He's never played before.Copy !req
971. That's not my problem.
He's got a uniform.Copy !req
972. Hey, either he plays
or you forfeit the game. Play ball!Copy !req
973. Last inning, winning run's on third,
and it's all up to Howie.Copy !req
974. - Look at this freak.
- Son, son. Get in the batter's box.Copy !req
975. Someone get his sword.Copy !req
976. - Here you go, Howie. Take this.
- Nelson. Nelson.Copy !req
977. Get up and take a swing.Copy !req
978. Look at all those albinos.Copy !req
979. Wait till he pitches the ball, retard.Copy !req
980. Strike!Copy !req
981. They should let him use his sword.Copy !req
982. Maria!Copy !req
983. - No.
- Come on, weird guy!Copy !req
984. Weird guy! Weird guy! Weird guy!Copy !req
985. Take the base.Copy !req
986. - No way! We win! We win!
- Amazing!Copy !req
987. - You have to touch first base, kid.
- Come on, come on.Copy !req
988. Howie, hit by the pitch,
forces in the winning run...Copy !req
989. and sends the Benchwarmers
to the finals!Copy !req
990. That's game.Copy !req
991. Carlos, you're drunk!Copy !req
992. We're here with Richie Goodman
of the Benchwarmers.Copy !req
993. How do you feel after that win?Copy !req
994. What can I say?
Baseball's in my blood.Copy !req
995. Hey, c o u I d I give a sh o ut- o ut
t o my main sa I ad gir I at Pizza Hut?Copy !req
996. I I ike sa I ad.Copy !req
997. Guys, can you believe this crap?Copy !req
998. I'd like to beat his ass,
just like I did back in the diz-ay.Copy !req
999. - Are they any good?
- The only guy that's good is that guy.Copy !req
1000. This is Gus Matthews, the hear t
and s o u I o f the Benchwarmers.Copy !req
1001. Gus Matthews?Copy !req
1002. S o were y o u bu Il ied as a kid?Copy !req
1003. The bu Il y thing affected my I ife pretty
huge, and I wanna te Il y o u kids...Copy !req
1004. messing with o ther kids
can d o a I o t o f damage.Copy !req
1005. What? That guy damaged more kids
than anybody I knew.Copy !req
1006. He made my life hell growing up.Copy !req
1007. You're twice his size.
You could crush that little puke.Copy !req
1008. He didn't do the physical warfare.Copy !req
1009. He played the psychological card
by attacking your weaknesses.Copy !req
1010. I started losing my hair
when I was 9 years old.Copy !req
1011. He jumped all over it
with the mean nicknames.Copy !req
1012. Eight Ball, Bowling Ball...Copy !req
1013. Kojak, Mr. Clean,
Cream of Wheat Guy...Copy !req
1014. Scatman Crothers,
the Black Uncle Fester.Copy !req
1015. How about the
Black Bodybuilding Charlie Brown?Copy !req
1016. That's a good one.Copy !req
1017. He used that too!Copy !req
1018. Oh, don't cry, buddy.
I think your hair's the bomb, yo.Copy !req
1019. - It looks great. Doesn't it, guys?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1020. - Really, brothers?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1021. Sure, Daddy Warbucks. I would've
never have thought that was a wig.Copy !req
1022. If I was blindfolded.Copy !req
1023. Got a problem? Why don't you punch
me in the face as hard as you can.Copy !req
1024. Pour some honey on me.
Let me see you get really mad.Copy !req
1025. Anyway, at least I left there
with my sanity.Copy !req
1026. He actually teased this one midget boy
in our neighborhood league so bad...Copy !req
1027. the little fella up and quit baseball
and went into the loony bin.Copy !req
1028. Guys, we gotta tell Jerry.
He's gonna love this.Copy !req
1029. - Definitely.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1030. Really? Well, thanks, Cassandra.Copy !req
1031. - What's the score now, Mel?
- Well, Jerry's Lumber just won, 5-2.Copy !req
1032. That means our town
gets the stadium!Copy !req
1033. Nelson and his buddies will,
because we'll kill those guys!Copy !req
1034. Yeah! Wicked!Copy !req
1035. - Number 7, shakes all around!
- Yes!Copy !req
1036. I gotta take a leak.Copy !req
1037. Down the hall,
12th door on the right.Copy !req
1038. Last night, we did a st o ry
ab o ut the Benchwarmers...Copy !req
1039. a team o f three men wh o were
exc I uded fr o m baseba Il as kids...Copy !req
1040. and are n o w making up
f o r I o st time.Copy !req
1041. He Il o, Gus.
This is the urina I speaking.Copy !req
1042. Chemica I ana I ysis o f y o ur pee sh o ws
y o u'd better st o p eating fast f oo d...Copy !req
1043. o r y o u're g o ing t o die.Copy !req
1044. We have just been given evidence
that o ne o f the men, Gus Matthews...Copy !req
1045. is n o t the man
he's been saying he is.Copy !req
1046. Hey, no shake for me.
The toilet said so.Copy !req
1047. Gus Matthews was easi I y
the biggest bu Il y in Br o o kda I e.Copy !req
1048. We Il, y o u weren't the nicest kid
in sch o o I either, Steven.Copy !req
1049. I hate everyb o dy!Copy !req
1050. What a baby. But he's right.Copy !req
1051. I was their principa I back then,
and Gus was in my o ffice c o ns t an t I y.Copy !req
1052. I remember he especia Il y
picked s o hard o n o ne kid...Copy !req
1053. that the p oo r b o y
was instituti o na I ized.Copy !req
1054. That's rea Il y t o o bad. Th o se guys
inspired a I o t o f rea Il y nice kids.Copy !req
1055. This is K athy D o bs o n
fr o m Channe I 9 news.Copy !req
1056. You were a jerk just like the rest
of the kids who mess with me?Copy !req
1057. I made a mistake, Nelson.Copy !req
1058. I wish I could take it all back.Copy !req
1059. I can't believe I looked up to you.Copy !req
1060. I don't know what to say, guys.Copy !req
1061. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1062. Let's party!Copy !req
1063. Not now, Number 7!Copy !req
1064. Is that why you don't
wanna have kids, Gus?Copy !req
1065. Do you feel you don't deserve
a happy family because of your past?Copy !req
1066. I'm afraid that if we have kids, they're
gonna get picked on without mercy...Copy !req
1067. because karma
will be catching up with me.Copy !req
1068. Sweetheart, you are wrong.
Life's about learning lessons.Copy !req
1069. I can't just learn a lesson
and move on.Copy !req
1070. That little boy that I picked on
when I was a kid...Copy !req
1071. he didn't ever move on.Copy !req
1072. I bet he'd be able to move on
if you said you were sorry.Copy !req
1073. Can I help you?Copy !req
1074. - Marcus, honey.
- What is it, Mother?Copy !req
1075. I just finished another peanut butter
sculpture. It's a pterodactyl.Copy !req
1076. Oh, that's nice.
You have a visitor, dear.Copy !req
1077. But I don't know anyone.Copy !req
1078. It's Gus from grade school.Copy !req
1079. No!Copy !req
1080. Don't come down here!Copy !req
1081. - Marcus—
- No, don't come down!Copy !req
1082. Take it easy. Take it easy.Copy !req
1083. - Don't touch me!
- Please, hear me out.Copy !req
1084. Just give me a chance.Copy !req
1085. Marcus, stop trying to cast spells.Copy !req
1086. - Marcus—
- Stay away!Copy !req
1087. Look, Marcus, I want to apologize...Copy !req
1088. for all the nasty things I did to you
when we were kids.Copy !req
1089. I'm not here to mess with you.Copy !req
1090. You're lying to me
like all the other times.Copy !req
1091. You are denied entry.Copy !req
1092. I'm sorry,
from the bottom of my heart.Copy !req
1093. I was stupid, Marcus.Copy !req
1094. Get out of my basement!
You're a bad, bad man! Go! Get out!Copy !req
1095. I didn't expect you to forgive me.
I mean...Copy !req
1096. Look, I know because of me...Copy !req
1097. you were never able to feel
what it was like to play ball...Copy !req
1098. or be part of a team.Copy !req
1099. So I wanna
give you my hat, Marcus.Copy !req
1100. Because even though
you didn't know it...Copy !req
1101. you are the heart and soul
of this squad.Copy !req
1102. I'll see you around, buddy.Copy !req
1103. Start here.Copy !req
1104. - You've got 24 hours.
- What, are you serious?Copy !req
1105. If you build it, nerds will come.Copy !req
1106. And keep it under a billion.
It's all I've got...Copy !req
1107. on me.Copy !req
1108. Excellent!Copy !req
1109. Okay, people!Copy !req
1110. We got 24 hours to build us
a ballpark! Can we do it?Copy !req
1111. Yeah!Copy !req
1112. Cool!Copy !req
1113. Are you kidding me? Look at this.
Dude, this place is huge!Copy !req
1114. - Swings!
- We'll go on the swings later.Copy !req
1115. - Slide.
- That's right, there's a pool.Copy !req
1116. - We'll all go in after.
- I forgot my floaties.Copy !req
1117. We're here live in Greenfield
for the big game...Copy !req
1118. between the Benchwarmers
and Jerry's Lumber.Copy !req
1119. The Benchwarmers were
recently rocked by scandal.Copy !req
1120. Let's see what the fans have to say.Copy !req
1121. Excuse me, sir. What do you think
of the accusations against Gus?Copy !req
1122. His soul will perish in the fire pit
of the underworld.Copy !req
1123. There y o u have it. The fire pits.
N o t a g oo d time.Copy !req
1124. Around the horn.Copy !req
1125. We could still win this thing.Copy !req
1126. - Wha—? How?
- If we use the Force.Copy !req
1127. Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.Copy !req
1128. The Force is powerful,
my young padawan.Copy !req
1129. He's right. It is.Copy !req
1130. Hey, guys.Copy !req
1131. I know I'm not
on the team anymore...Copy !req
1132. but I just wanted you to know that
I'm here to support you.Copy !req
1133. Because you'll always be
my best friends.Copy !req
1134. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Shmegmer Park...Copy !req
1135. and the final game
of Mel's Tournament...Copy !req
1136. of Little Baseballers
and Three Older Guys!Copy !req
1137. Homo!Copy !req
1138. Hey, check out the little gnome.Copy !req
1139. Play ball!Copy !req
1140. Can I say something?Copy !req
1141. Yeah, I guess so.Copy !req
1142. Hand me the mike, please.
I can't reach it.Copy !req
1143. Hello, everyone.
My name is Marcus Ellwood...Copy !req
1144. better known
as Dragonmaster784.Copy !req
1145. Or Yoda! Or Midget Boy!Copy !req
1146. It is true I ended up in an institution
as a child...Copy !req
1147. from Gus bullying me all the time.Copy !req
1148. And he made my life miserable
for years.Copy !req
1149. To be honest, I thought I would never
stop hating him.Copy !req
1150. But then yesterday
he came to visit me in my basement.Copy !req
1151. And as I cowered in my peanut butter
fort, he apologized to me.Copy !req
1152. And I could hear the sadness
in his voice.Copy !req
1153. This nerd makes me
seem like Rambo.Copy !req
1154. I don't think so.Copy !req
1155. - John Stamos?
- Warmer.Copy !req
1156. And then, moments
after my old nemesis left...Copy !req
1157. I saw a hat on my stuffed moose.Copy !req
1158. The hat of a Benchwarmer.Copy !req
1159. A Benchwarmer begging
for a new start, just like me...Copy !req
1160. and so many of you.Copy !req
1161. He shouldn't get a new start! I'll never
forgive the kids who picked on me!Copy !req
1162. Yeah!Copy !req
1163. Young one,
life is too short to harbor hatred.Copy !req
1164. Do you remember episode
number 38 of Dunge o n Wars?Copy !req
1165. The golden elves forgive the great
giants for destroying their village...Copy !req
1166. even though the giants
made the elves' life hell.Copy !req
1167. The elves realized the giants
were tortured too.Copy !req
1168. He's a modern-day Yoda.Copy !req
1169. I mean, not his looks
but his philosophy stuff.Copy !req
1170. - Actually, his looks too. Yeah.
- His looks a little bit too, yeah.Copy !req
1171. And so I forgive my new friend Gus,
as all of you should.Copy !req
1172. Look at all the joy and hope
he's brought to all of us.Copy !req
1173. He has more than paid his dues.Copy !req
1174. - Go, Gus!
- Come on, Marcus!Copy !req
1175. Thank you, Marcus. Come on.Copy !req
1176. - Hey. Buddies for life.
- Thanks.Copy !req
1177. - I want a little man too.
- Here you go.Copy !req
1178. Me and the guys have been playing
all these games, not for revenge.Copy !req
1179. We did it to show that everyone
should be allowed to play baseball...Copy !req
1180. and have fun.Copy !req
1181. And that is why Clark, Richie and I
will not be playing in the game today.Copy !req
1182. Instead, our team will consist of
kids who've never known...Copy !req
1183. what it's like to play in front
of a crowd or to be cheered on.Copy !req
1184. Let me tell you,
it's an awesome feeling.Copy !req
1185. So please, put your nerd
and jock hands together...Copy !req
1186. and welcome to the field
the new Benchwarmers!Copy !req
1187. - Yeah!
- Hi!Copy !req
1188. All right!Copy !req
1189. Now, lastly, let's make some noise
for your new third-base coach:Copy !req
1190. Marcus Ellwood!Copy !req
1191. Is he all right?Copy !req
1192. For years I thought the sun
was a monster.Copy !req
1193. I'm here to tell you that it's not
a monster. It's not a monster!Copy !req
1194. - You're all right.
- Take him in the shade.Copy !req
1195. All right, let's have some fun!Copy !req
1196. Hey, everyb o dy,
it's C I ark and Richie...Copy !req
1197. and we're standing in
f o r Gre t chen and Mi t che Il.Copy !req
1198. And we're gonna get things going
right now. Big deck.Copy !req
1199. He got it.Copy !req
1200. Oh, no.Copy !req
1201. And he's okay.Copy !req
1202. Oh, hey, that's my helmet!
That's my helmet!Copy !req
1203. It's all right, buddy.Copy !req
1204. Nice try, Sammy!Copy !req
1205. Oh, my God, I just saw
your head for the first time.Copy !req
1206. Let's give a nice r o und o f app I ause
f o r I itt I e Sammy Sprink I er!Copy !req
1207. He missed it
and people are cheering.Copy !req
1208. Yeah, and his coach
didn't even yell at him.Copy !req
1209. That's pretty cool.Copy !req
1210. And here comes our lead-off hitter
with a familiar tape job.Copy !req
1211. Gretchen, I know why
you're taping your hands.Copy !req
1212. I also know why there's three squirrels
that won't be at this game today.Copy !req
1213. Strike! Strike! Strike!Copy !req
1214. Well, there's a strikeout.Copy !req
1215. That's okay! Good try! Good try!Copy !req
1216. Good going, Gretchen.Copy !req
1217. All right, next up it's Jarrett.Copy !req
1218. If you know Jarrett, you know his sister
works at Pizza Hut. She's over there.Copy !req
1219. Another strikeout.Copy !req
1220. And a strikeout. Strikeout.Copy !req
1221. Strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout.Copy !req
1222. And a strikeout.Copy !req
1223. I think we got a free stadium!Copy !req
1224. Clark, we're beating them
in strikeouts.Copy !req
1225. And you're also beating them
in boogers picked, so we got that.Copy !req
1226. Good game. Drive home safe tonight.
On the yellow brick road.Copy !req
1227. God, he's a dick.Copy !req
1228. He got all of that one.
Back, back, back!Copy !req
1229. In the pool!Copy !req
1230. Good hit, Kyle.Copy !req
1231. Yeah, nice one, Kyle.Copy !req
1232. Go, Kyle!Copy !req
1233. Well, it's 42 to nothing as we head
into the last inning.Copy !req
1234. And it looks like the Benchwarmers
will go down without a fight.Copy !req
1235. Hey. What are you smiling at?Copy !req
1236. I guess how much fun
they're having.Copy !req
1237. Wipe the smile off your face
or I'll wipe it off for you.Copy !req
1238. You got three more outs.Copy !req
1239. You blow this shutout, you won't play
on a team next year. Got it?Copy !req
1240. Get out there and annihilate
those stinkweeds!Copy !req
1241. Let's go!Copy !req
1242. Come on, let's do this!Copy !req
1243. Strike one!Copy !req
1244. Hang in there, son!Copy !req
1245. Come on, Nelson!Copy !req
1246. Strike two!Copy !req
1247. Come on, strike out this loser!Copy !req
1248. You know what? You're the loser.Copy !req
1249. Time!Copy !req
1250. - What's up, buddy?
- Hey, Nelson.Copy !req
1251. - I'll throw you one down the middle.
- What does that mean?Copy !req
1252. It means choke up on the bat a little
and swing away.Copy !req
1253. - The ball's gonna be right there.
- Hey, thanks.Copy !req
1254. I can help you with your social studies
homework later if you need it.Copy !req
1255. Sounds good.
I suck at social studies.Copy !req
1256. Okay, guys, follow my lead.Copy !req
1257. - Butterfingers.
- He got a hit!Copy !req
1258. - Come on! Go, go!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
1259. Why are you kicking it?Copy !req
1260. Go, go!Copy !req
1261. - Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!Copy !req
1262. Run! Come on! Go! Go! Go home!Copy !req
1263. - Go, go, go!
- Go, Nelson!Copy !req
1264. Nelson, get at the plate!Copy !req
1265. Slide! Slide!Copy !req
1266. Safe!Copy !req
1267. We did not get shut out!Copy !req
1268. What is going on? What is going on?
Let go of me! Nerds!Copy !req
1269. You put me down!
What is going on?Copy !req
1270. - Can I let you in on a secret?
- Sure.Copy !req
1271. I've never actually, like, totally,
100-percent kissed a girl before...Copy !req
1272. and I was wondering
if you would be my first one.Copy !req
1273. I would like nothing more than that.Copy !req
1274. Rea—?Copy !req
1275. Clark!Copy !req
1276. You kissed a girl before I did?Copy !req
1277. This is way better than macaroni.Copy !req
1278. I'm not afraid of the sun anymore.Copy !req
1279. That's good, buddy.
How's the moon treating you?Copy !req
1280. Not a fan.Copy !req
1281. Hey, Gus. The new Benchwarmers
are gonna need a coach next season.Copy !req
1282. What do you say?Copy !req
1283. I'd be honored, Mel...Copy !req
1284. but I might be a little busy
getting my family started.Copy !req
1285. Actually, honey,
it's already been started.Copy !req
1286. Really?Copy !req
1287. Hey, everybody!Copy !req
1288. I'm gonna be a dad!Copy !req
1289. - That's quite an ovation.
- You wanna hear an even bigger one?Copy !req
1290. The reason she's pregnant is
because I went all the way with her!Copy !req
1291. That's so great.
What does "all the way" mean?Copy !req