- 1. - Throw it here.
- Come on, Nelson, throw it in here!
- 2. - Yeah! You almost had it!
- I get one more?
- 3. Strike three!
- 4. - Here you go. There it is.
- Gretchen, you almost had it.
- 5. - Dang it.
- Nice throw.
- 6. I got a ladder. I'll get it.
- 7. Just tell Mrs. Donnelly it's on the roof.
She can get it whenever she wants.
- 8. That's good thinking, Clark.
- 9. I'll just have 80-year-old
Mrs. Donnelly climb on her roof.
- 10. Okay, cool. Thanks.
- 11. Clark. Hey.
- 12. I was kidding. You can't do that.
- 13. All right, fine.
- 14. Here, give her one of these.
- 15. - This is yesterday's paper.
- Well, at least it's not on the roof.
- 16. Clark, don't pick your nose
in front of me, please.
- 17. I'm not picking, I'm scratching.
- 18. What are you scratching,
- 19. Yeah, because it's huge.
- 20. Chain break! Not now!
I have 86 houses left.
- 21. Can you fix it?
- 22. - Gus, what should I do with this?
- I'd flick it.
- 23. Nelson leans in and gets his sign.
- 24. Here comes a fastball.
- 25. Swing and a huge miss
by Gretchen Peterson.
- 26. Hey, losers. We have a practice
scheduled here. You gotta go.
- 27. - I thought your practice was at 4:30.
- It is.
- 28. We wanna have a practice
before our practice.
- 29. - Oh, okay. Can we hit with you?
- No, you suck.
- 30. Why don't you go home
and build your science projects.
- 31. Look, there's room for all of us.
We'll just play catch off to the side.
- 32. Listen, we have a game tomorrow...
- 33. and there's only one field
to practice on.
- 34. So beat it!
- 35. Maybe this is a sign
you should get a car.
- 36. My mother said I should hold off
getting my license one more year.
- 37. You know, just to make sure
my reflexes are fully developed.
- 38. - Stop!
- Hold him, Kyle!
- 39. Troy, I think he wants
some of your famous beef stew.
- 40. - Beef stew! Beef stew!
- 41. Beef stew! Beef stew! Beef stew!
- 42. No, no, no.
- 43. No, stop it.
- 44. Hey! Get off him!
- 45. Later, fart face.
- 46. Yeah, you better run!
- 47. - Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- 48. Need us to call your parents
- 49. It actually...
- 50. didn't taste as bad as you'd think.
- 51. Nelson, wait!
Let's just go to my house!
- 52. Oh, I love beef stew.
- 53. Why do kids have to be
so fricking cruel?
- 54. You know, I haven't been on
an actual field in almost 20 years.
- 55. I've never even been on a field.
- 56. If I tried, the kids in my neighborhood
would spit loogies on my forehead.
- 57. That's awful, Clark.
- 58. Baseball is America's pastime.
- 59. That's like saying
you've never had apple pie.
- 60. You've never had apple pie?
- 61. Well, my mom said
it would give me diarrhea.
- 62. That's ridiculous.
You have to try it at least once.
- 63. Diarrhea?
- 64. No. Baseball. It's the best.
- 65. Let's come back here later
and hit some balls.
- 66. Can I bring Richie?
He's never played either.
- 67. - Yeah, bring Richie. Let's say 4:00.
- All right.
- 68. Hold on. My mom's sending me
a text message.
- 69. No way!
- 70. We're having macaroni tonight!
That means garlic bread! Yes!
- 71. Awesome!
- 72. - Excuse me.
- 73. I rented this
on your recommendation.
- 74. It's nothing but a lame story
with lesbian sex scenes.
- 75. And you didn't like it?
- 76. I watched it with my parents.
It was uncomfortable.
- 77. - Come on, it's kind of hot.
- No, it's not.
- 78. All right, I'm sorry.
- 79. I'll recommend this:
Haunted S I umber Party.
- 80. - It's actually a pretty decent film.
- No lesbian sex scenes?
- 81. - I think there's two.
- You're a pig.
- 82. - Hey, Richie, are you off yet?
- Easy. I can't leave this second, Clark.
- 83. I don't get to work for an hour a day
like you, paperboy.
- 84. Gus wants us to
hit some baseballs with him.
- 85. Clark, we don't play baseball.
- 86. I told Gus we'd be there, Richie.
- 87. And if we don't go,
that makes me a liar.
- 88. And that's not what I'm about.
Not now, not ever.
- 89. All right, Daytime Emmy.
- 90. Hey, Marty, I'm gonna split early,
- 91. I don't even know who you are.
- 92. Bros before ho's, dude.
- 93. Liz, honey, do you know
where I packed my baseball mitt?
- 94. No. Gus, if we conceive this month,
we would have the baby in January.
- 95. It would be fun to have
a New Year's baby.
- 96. I can't find it.
- 97. January also has a higher
percentage of it being a girl.
- 98. I found it. I found it.
- 99. I found my mitt, Liz.
It was in the old trunk.
- 100. Be serious. This is important.
My ovulation peaks at 6:00 tonight.
- 101. All right, honey, I love you.
I'll see you later.
- 102. Remember, Gus, 6:00.
- 103. Gotta keep your eye on the ball.
- 104. You just think of that?
You're an amazing coach.
- 105. Just focus, you'll be fine.
Just watch me.
- 106. With this vest, it's hard to swing.
It's tight, you know.
- 107. Quit picking your nose, Clark.
Let's go. Look alive. Coming to you!
- 108. You just lost your membership
at Video Spot!
- 109. Dang it.
- 110. Hey, mister,
we have this field reserved.
- 111. You were the ones
picking on that kid today.
- 112. So? You douche bags
have to get off this field.
- 113. - Where's your coach?
- None of your business.
- 114. We have practice here,
so go, ho!
- 115. Hey, well, no coach, no field. Sorry.
- 116. Leave our field,
or you'll pay the consequences!
- 117. W h a t I s t h I s, Chi I dren o f the C o rn?
- 118. I'm gonna call the cops.
- 119. We are cops. We're Navy SEALs.
- 120. - Navy SEALs aren't cops.
- Aren't you our paperboy?
- 121. I'm undercover.
- 122. All right, you cocky jerks, you want
the field so bad? We'll play you for it.
- 123. But there are nine of us
and three of you.
- 124. So you should beat us no problem.
- 125. - What, are you scared?
- 126. Yeah, chicken.
- 127. I'm gonna go ask our team.
- 128. This is a bad idea. They look tough.
- 129. I saw that demon boy laying beef
in some nice kid's mouth earlier today.
- 130. Clark used to get beef
laid in his face all the time.
- 131. - Oh, and you didn't?
- I got wedgies, that's different.
- 132. It's cooler.
- 133. - We'll do it.
- Time to meet your makers.
- 134. Makers of what? Poop?
- 135. Coming down!
- 136. - Balls in.
- Don't worry, you'll be fine.
- 137. - Get your position down.
- Troy, strike this loser out.
- 138. - Strike!
- Yeah. Nice one, Troy.
- 139. Don't swing if it's not
in the strike zone.
- 140. - Where's the strike zone?
- Strike two!
- 141. Right there.
- 142. - Strike three.
- Three, you're out!
- 143. - What a loser.
- Sit down, spaz.
- 144. - That kid's throwing heat.
- Heat, schmeat.
- 145. One out!
- 146. Gonna be two outs!
- 147. Hey, I bet you're a real good catcher.
Of doughnuts, in your mouth.
- 148. - Strike!
- Don't chop at it.
- 149. - it's not a sword.
- You're not a sword.
- 150. - Come on.
- Strike two.
- 151. - Oh, that's ugly, man.
- Strike out, video boy.
- 152. Come on, now.
- 153. - Strike three!
- I caught it. You're out.
- 154. - But I ticked it. It hit the bat.
- You're still out.
- 155. You're still fat. I ticked it!
- 156. - I ticked it. Gus, you see that?
- Way to make contact on that one.
- 157. You know what? I was trying
to get under it to rip it into left...
- 158. and throw them off,
but the dog barking threw me.
- 159. - What dog?
- He ran to the bushes.
- 160. It's cool now. All right, go, Gus.
Come on! Let's get rid of these dogs.
- 161. - Strike him out quick!
- Get this guy out!
- 162. - Move in.
- You're going down, shorty.
- 163. - Guy's got nothing.
- Come on, give him a fast one.
- 164. All right, Gus! Awesome!
- 165. All right! Yeah!
- 166. - He just did that steroid-free.
- What's steroids?
- 167. Something that makes
your pee-pee smaller.
- 168. - There must be steroids in macaroni.
- Let's go.
- 169. Yeah!
- 170. Nice!
- 171. - Here we go.
- Batter up.
- 172. Batter up!
- 173. Strike!
- 174. Not so fast!
- 175. You're supposed to catch it
with your glove, not your face.
- 176. Yeah!
- 177. I don't need lip from you,
son of Satan.
- 178. - We're still in this thing.
- It's okay. Next time.
- 179. You're out!
- 180. You're out!
- 181. Strike three, you're out!
- 182. - Come on, Troy. Let's go, Troy.
- He can't hit you. Come on.
- 183. - Yes!
- Yeah, Gus! Are you okay?
- 184. It's over!
- 185. Three, you're out!
- 186. Sorry. Shoot.
Get another homer for us, Gus.
- 187. - Yeah, smack it in the butt.
- Whatever that means.
- 188. I'm gonna keep this one in play.
Give the infield a workout. It's 17-0.
- 189. What an idiot.
Come on, Troy, destroy him!
- 190. Strike him out. Strike this loser—
- 191. Come on, Kyle, are you okay?
- 192. - What happened?
- Get up.
- 193. - Hey, get him up.
- Kyle, you okay?
- 194. - Ball's still alive, chumps.
- Dude, he's gonna score.
- 195. Should somebody call 411?
- 196. He's fine.
He got the wind knocked out of him.
- 197. What's that noise?
- 198. - Get him! Get him!
- Get him!
- 199. I think he just got the wind
knocked back into him.
- 200. Gus, why didn't you play in
high school? You're incredible.
- 201. The whole bully thing, and jocks.
I didn't wanna deal with it.
- 202. Those butts! You could've gone
to the Super Bowl.
- 203. Yeah, that's the past.
- 204. - Hey, Richie, where's your brother?
- Howie! Come out, the guys are here.
- 205. Is he still dealing with agoraphobia?
- 206. Yeah, dude, he hasn't left the house
in six months.
- 207. There he is.
- 208. - Hey, Howie.
- How's it going, buddy?
- 209. Hey, guys.
How did hitting the balls go?
- 210. We played an actual game
against real people. It was classic.
- 211. All these punk teenagers are like,
"Get off our field."
- 212. We're like, "We'll play you for it."
And we did, and we beat them.
- 213. - I hit a foul, dude, it was sweet.
- It was awesome.
- 214. You gotta videotape it next time
so I can see.
- 215. - Buddy, just come with us.
- No. No.
- 216. It's not that scary. And you could use
a little sun, trust me.
- 217. Outside, bad. The sun, scary.
- 218. He's not my friend.
He wants to hurt me. Safe room.
- 219. - I know. Sun, bad. You, cuckoo.
- All right.
- 220. You know the best part about
winning a baseball game?
- 221. - What's that?
- Going to Pizza Hut to celebrate.
- 222. Richie?
- 223. Oh, yeah. Okay, buddy.
- 224. - Is that apple juice?
- 225. Honestly, you have
real natural athletic skills.
- 226. You could be a terrific ball player.
- 227. When you throw it to me,
and I catch it—
- 228. Not with my face, but with a glove.
—I like it.
- 229. I am starting to get the fever.
- 230. Dude, this chick is so hot.
- 231. What's going on?
- 232. Nothing. Just refilling the bar.
- 233. I love salad.
- 234. Yeah, it's...
- 235. good and good for you.
- 236. I love salad.
- 237. That was some Barry White shit.
- 238. Yeah, I work it when I have to.
- 239. - How's "Ms. Pac-Man" treating you?
- That red ghost is kicking my balls.
- 240. Yeah, that's them, Uncle Jerry.
- 241. Richie Goodman and Clark Reedy?
- 242. What were you losers doing
on my ball field today?
- 243. - Clark was. I was home.
- They were with me.
- 244. We were just hitting balls. These kids
showed up and we scrimmaged them.
- 245. That is priceless.
- 246. Clork the Dork and Richie Bitchy
- 247. - Why is that so funny?
- Because they're retards.
- 248. They should stick to what they know:
boogers and dingleberries.
- 249. You, stay away from my field...
- 250. or I'll have my 12-year-old nephew
kick your ass.
- 251. Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.
- 252. - What was that?
- You gave them nicknames.
- 253. I thought I'd give you one.
- 254. - Oh, really?
- 255. Okay, Gus.
- 256. Gus...
- 257. - Gus Bus.
- 258. That's you. Gus Bus.
- 259. Wow, that was a brutal comeback.
- 260. Let's go, guys. I don't think
I'll ever recover from that.
- 261. Man.
- 262. You stay off my field.
- 263. Stay away from the fairy dust, Jerry.
- 264. - "Gus Bus"?
- Shut up, Troy.
- 265. It was the coolest, Gus.
- 266. Never seen anybody stand up
to Jerry like that.
- 267. I knew guys like that where I grew up.
They think they can do whatever.
- 268. I just wanted to say...
- 269. that was great, the way
you put Jerry McDowell in his place.
- 270. That was no big deal.
- 271. Well, unfortunately for all of us...
- 272. Jerry's in charge of
the baseball league for the county.
- 273. Hey. Are you the kid
that got farted on earlier?
- 274. Yes. This is my son Nelson.
- 275. He's become the fart magnet
for the neighborhood bullies.
- 276. I also get a healthy smear
of animal turds twice daily.
- 277. When I was your age, Fairy Jerry
dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
- 278. His son just did that to me
- 279. I tried to talk to Jerry. He just laughed
and gave me a titty twister.
- 280. Guys like that don't realize
the damage they're causing.
- 281. I couldn't agree more.
- 282. By the way, thanks for hitting
Kyle Wilson in the chest with the ball...
- 283. then letting me rip one
right in his mouth earlier.
- 284. It was one of the best days
of my life.
- 285. This car is so radical.
- 286. Looks just like K.I.T.T.
from the show K night Rider.
- 287. It is K.I.T.T. from K night Rider.
- 288. Watch this.
- 289. A Il o w me t o intr o duce myse I f.
I'm K. I. T. T.
- 290. Who are you?
- 291. I'm just one of those nerds
who grew up...
- 292. to make billions.
- 293. Maybe I'll see you guys
- 294. I t was a p I easure t o meet y o u a Il.
- 295. E asy, Me I.
- 296. I have yet to perfect the peel-out.
- 297. - It was fine.
- No, no, no. That was cool.
- 298. - Yeah.
- Chicks were checking you out.
- 299. Try n o t t o destr o y me
c o mp I ete I y, Me I.
- 300. Hey, honey, I'm home.
- 301. - Where have you been?
- I was with Clark and Richie.
- 302. I am on an ovulating schedule.
You were supposed to be here at 6:00.
- 303. I thought you meant
Central Mountain Time.
- 304. Did you mean
Pacific Standard Time?
- 305. - Why would you think that?
- Because you're from Colorado.
- 306. Don't you ovulate
according to where you're born?
- 307. Gus, that's just weird.
- 308. So from now on,
it's Pacific Standard Time.
- 309. Pacific Standard Time.
I'm all over that, baby. I love you.
- 310. Check out this mitt. It's all black.
- 311. I look like a Borack warrior
from the Captain Mighty series.
- 312. Well, get a load of Mega Mitt.
- 313. Hey! Hey! What the—?
- 314. Watch it!
- 315. Clark? Richie?
- 316. I hardly recognize you clowns
without underwear on your head.
- 317. Brad. You have really
not slimmed down.
- 318. Oh, eat me.
- 319. So I heard from Jerry you tools
think you're athletes now.
- 320. I didn't know "athlete"
had three syllables. "A-tha-lete."
- 321. That's "ama-za-zing."
- 322. You think you're hot shit
because you know words.
- 323. Why don't you be a stud
and point us toward the register.
- 324. Or "register-er."
- 325. My team practices today at 5.
Swing by if you she-men wanna lose.
- 326. You can't handle the truth!
- 327. - Bring it!
- Suck it!
- 328. Gus!
- 329. Gus!
- 330. He can't hear us.
- 331. Hey, fellas.
- 332. - You okay, Richie?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Just purple nuts.
- 333. We just had a run-in with one of our
old bullies at the sporting goods store.
- 334. - What happened?
- He said we're wussies...
- 335. and he challenged us to a game.
- 336. - I don't know if you can leave work.
- Of course I can.
- 337. I'll mow this later.
Let's take this guy down.
- 338. I think I'm gonna puke.
Grab my arm.
- 339. Bobby, this one's coming for you.
Focus and give us a double play now.
- 340. Let's go!
- 341. Thattaway. Good job.
- 342. Looks like the Three Muske-queers
decided to show up.
- 343. Everybody, get your butts in here.
Time for us to scrimmage some losers.
- 344. Yeah, we got a "scrim-im-age."
- 345. How the hell will this work
with three guys?
- 346. We got a pitcher, a catcher,
and a fielder.
- 347. No, you've got a retarded paperboy,
a gay video clerk...
- 348. and a smelly midget.
- 349. You wanna dance?
I'll dance on your face.
- 350. Dance? We'll beat your ass.
- 351. - Death to you.
- Titty twister!
- 352. My wife's the only one
who gets to twist these man-titties.
- 353. I just know you guys better—
Better come ready to play!
- 354. Gus is the new Jet Li.
- 355. Bring it on!
- 356. Hey, Dad, come down
to the field, quick!
- 357. Strike one!
- 358. Strike two!
- 359. Strike three!
- 360. - Hey!
- What? It slipped.
- 361. Strike three!
- 362. Hey! What are you laughing at?
- 363. He told me a joke.
- 364. - Let's go, Richie!
- Oh, yeah.
- 365. Hey, Dad, come here. Look.
- 366. Might wanna throw a fielder
up in those mountains, in case:
- 367. - What you got?
- 368. Pulled something. Used to run track.
- 369. Come on, Richie.
- 370. - Strike two!
- I didn't swing at that. Can't count it.
- 371. Strike three!
- 372. Could you tell him to slow it down?
- 373. Did you tell him?
- 374. - Here you go, Clark.
- Thanks, Nelson.
- 375. You're welcome.
- 376. Home run!
- 377. Yeah! Yeah, did you see that?
- 378. All right! You hit another homer!
- 379. Howie! He just hit a home run!
- 380. Strike one! Strike two! Strike three!
- 381. Can I get you a tennis racket?
- 382. No!
- 383. Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo.
- 384. - Great game.
- Hey, thanks, Mel.
- 385. Say, guys, I have this sensational idea
I wanna run by you.
- 386. Are you free for lunch tomorrow?
- 387. I usually take lunch from 12 to 4:30,
so if it's in there I could handle it.
- 388. Tomorrow is egg salad day...
- 389. but I guess I could
double up on lunch.
- 390. Gus, what do you think?
- 391. - One sounds good.
- 392. I'm at 501 Shmegmer Street.
- 393. - See you then.
- See you, Nelson.
- 394. - Bye. Bye, guys.
- What do you think it's about?
- 395. - Dude, you're in trouble.
- No way.
- 396. You're definitely busted.
- 397. I didn't do anything. I swear!
- 398. - This is it?
- I always wondered who lived here.
- 399. I just thought it was Clay Aiken
- 400. - Wh o g o es there?
- That is so cool!
- 401. It's Gus, Clark and Richie.
We're here to see Mel.
- 402. - Y o u may enter.
- Thanks, Darth.
- 403. "Thanks, Darth."
- 404. - This place is sick, yo.
- This house must cost a zillion dollars.
- 405. Two zillion, actually.
- 406. Hey, Mel. This place is incredible.
- 407. Thank you, Gus. Gentlemen,
welcome to Chateau Shmegmer.
- 408. Shall we adjourn
to the food quarters?
- 409. Gentlemen, make yourselves
- 410. Yoda! R2!
- 411. Number 7!
- 412. Lunch is ready when y o u are,
Mr. Carmichae I.
- 413. - Hey, Number 7.
- D o n't t o uch me!
- 414. Gentlemen, let's eat.
Sit wherever you please.
- 415. Gentlemen, order any kind
of sandwich you'd like.
- 416. Number 7, thank you.
- 417. I'll have a peanut-butter-and-jelly
sandwich with mayonnaise.
- 418. Can I have tuna fish and Skittles...
- 419. and pudding skin on wheat,
with the crust cut off?
- 420. I guess s o.
- 421. That was radical!
- 422. All right, I got a crazy one for you,
- 423. I'd like a turkey on white—
- 424. He's good.
- 425. So, what's on your mind, Mel?
- 426. Gentlemen, it is time we brought
this cause into the public eye.
- 427. - What cause?
- The cause of the benchwarmers...
- 428. the kids who warm the bench while
the others get to play and have fun.
- 429. All of us here in this room have been
excluded from athletic activities...
- 430. and now our kids are going through
the same tomfoolery.
- 431. - Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
- Never had a date.
- 432. - Clark?
- Never spoke to a girl.
- 433. - Gus?
- My wife and I are working on it.
- 434. Well, when you do have them...
- 435. you will know how painful it is
to see them sad.
- 436. - B o nj o ur, dudes.
- Hey, Nelson.
- 437. - How's it going?
- There's my man.
- 438. Son, you have a little smear
of something on your cheek.
- 439. From a dog or a cat?
- 440. I think it's a goat.
- 441. Number 7,
some assistance, please.
- 442. Thanks, Number 7.
You're my best friend.
- 443. As y o u are mine, Ne I s o n.
- 444. That's so cool.
- 445. Now, this is why I wanna start
a round-robin tournament...
- 446. with you incredible men against all
the notoriously mean-spirited teams.
- 447. But why us three?
- 448. Because you know what it feels like
to be left out.
- 449. You're three grown men
who never got to play baseball...
- 450. because you were weird
and smelled and sat when you peed.
- 451. Okay, the last one was just me.
But you get my point.
- 452. But why would any of these teams
agree to play in this tournament?
- 453. For the prize.
- 454. - That's incredible!
- 455. An official-size stadium,
modeled to scale...
- 456. after all the greatest ballparks
- 457. Like Wrigley, Fenway
and Yankee Stadium.
- 458. Nelson and his buddies have set up
websites devoted to your team.
- 459. You can go on Nerdly.net,
- 460. or Please-stop-with-the-shit-tossing-
- 461. Why don't you just build a stadium
for Nelson and his buddies...
- 462. - ... and keep everybody else out?
- That won't solve anything.
- 463. Yeah, Clark.
- 464. If we can beat them
at their own game...
- 465. then kids like Nelson
and his buddies will get respect.
- 466. We'll do it. Come on.
- 467. Benchwarmers on three.
One, two, three.
- 468. Benchwarmers!
- 469. Can I get a napkin?
I spilled my ice cream.
- 470. On the counter.
- 471. Excuse me, sir.
Are you Gus Matthews?
- 472. Sorry. I spit a lot when I speak.
People despise me for it.
- 473. People spit. I mean, I spit
when I talk sometimes, too, you know?
- 474. My name is Sammy.
They call me Sammy Sprinkler.
- 475. Pleased to meet you, Sammy.
I'm Gus. Gus Bus.
- 476. Hey, if I come to a game...
- 477. can I be your scorekeeper
- 478. - Certainly.
- 479. - All right. See you later, Sammy.
- You're the man, Gus. Peace out.
- 480. All right.
- 481. Who was that boy?
- 482. I'm just seeing if he might be
interested in babysitting our triplets.
- 483. - Why are you spitting on me?
- Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
- 484. This is idiotic.
- 485. Are these guys serious about
this benchwarmer crap?
- 486. - It sounds like it.
- I'm not playing in this stinking thing.
- 487. If there weren't nerds in the world,
who would we throw crap at?
- 488. No doubt. But what if we don't play,
and they win it?
- 489. They'll probably build
some weird nerd spaceship...
- 490. and fly it to Planet Booger
or something, I don't know.
- 491. Now, guys,
it's one-game elimination.
- 492. They're as good as done.
- 493. You know what? You're right.
- 494. Let's strap it on, and beat these three
geeks, and win us a new stadium.
- 495. Let's get it on!
- 496. This green one is sweet.
Oh, all right. Okay.
- 497. We have a crowd, you guys.
- 498. Excellent!
- 499. - Crap! What is she doing here?
- Who is it?
- 500. - It's that salad chick from Pizza Hut.
- She's so hot, it's sick.
- 501. - Hey, she's with me.
- You wish.
- 502. Good afternoon, gentlemen.
How you feeling?
- 503. I just destroyed that Porta-Potty,
but I'm feeling better.
- 504. Who did this?
- 505. Sorry!
- 506. Listen, I got a gift for you.
- 507. I never had my own uniform before.
- 508. We can't have a team
- 509. I'm never taking this off.
This is the coolest thing ever.
- 510. This is the first game of
the tournament. Let's go out styling.
- 511. Nelson, you showed some serious
bat-retrieving skills last game.
- 512. What do you say about being
the Benchwarmers' official batboy?
- 513. - That means yes!
- All right!
- 514. Come on! What are we waiting for?
Let's kick some hairless ass!
- 515. I had hair on my ass
before I could walk.
- 516. This is it, kids.
- 517. The Benchwarmers' quest
for a stadium is about to begin.
- 518. - Karl's!
- Karl's Auto Body, the bad guys...
- 519. have taken the fie I d in o ur I nternet
P o dcast o f Benchwarmers baseba Il.
- 520. First t o bat, Richie G oo dman.
- 521. Fingers crossed.
- 522. - Come on, Richie.
- Easy out here. Let's go.
- 523. The pitcher pitches...
- 524. Strike!
- 525. I ticked it.
- 526. I ticked it again.
- 527. Strike!
- 528. Nice try, son.
- 529. - Just fouled two in front of salad girl.
- 530. Next up to bat, Clark Reedy.
- 531. All right, Clark. Here we go.
You're the man.
- 532. Those squirrels are definitely out.
- 533. That's my Miata! Kill him!
- 534. Hey, break it up!
- 535. Why is this happening?
- 536. Come on! Snap his femur!
- 537. Richie, help me!
- 538. Help me!
- 539. Mommy!
- 540. Come on, Gus.
- 541. - We need it.
- You can do it.
- 542. - Home run!
- 543. Strike!
- 544. Strike!
- 545. Another one!
- 546. Oh, my God!
- 547. Strike!
- 548. Strike!
- 549. Gus Bus! Gus Bus! Gus Bus!
- 550. This can't just be about me.
I gotta get these guys more involved.
- 551. - Look alive, Clark!
- I wanna go home.
- 552. No, we need you, buddy.
- 553. No, you don't. I'm awful.
- 554. Come on, now.
- 555. Let's go, Tommy!
- 556. This one's coming
right to you, Clark.
- 557. It's up, Clark! Clark!
- 558. Clark, look out!
- 559. Attaboy! Good job!
- 560. All right! Good throw!
- 561. Use your mitt, son, not your head!
- 562. Get it in here, pal! Get it in here.
- 563. Hold, hold, hold. Good job.
- 564. Gus, come on. Let's end this.
- 565. Two outs. Strike this kid out,
- 566. A home run here would tie it up...
- 567. and knock the Benchwarmers
out of the tournament.
- 568. There we go! Nice! Go! Run!
- 569. Make the play, Clark!
- 570. Clark, go!
- 571. Pick up the ball!
- 572. Run! Go, go, go!
- 573. Richie! Incoming!
- 574. What did you say?
- 575. - There we go! Nice! Go!
- Richie, get the ball!
- 576. The ball?
- 577. Behind you!
- 578. You're out!
- 579. What are you doing?
- 580. Yes!
- 581. I'm sorry, honey,
we had another game today.
- 582. I pulled a muscle
sliding into second.
- 583. - You gotta be kidding.
- It's all right, I was safe.
- 584. Gus, we're trying to start a family.
I can't do it by myself.
- 585. I would hope not, because that
would make you a hermaphrodite.
- 586. We don't want that.
- 587. I'm glad this is a big joke to you.
- 588. Honey, I was just having a little fun.
- 589. Come on, don't go.
- 590. Gentlemen, yesterday's performance
- 591. All the online chat rooms
are exploding with enthusiasm.
- 592. Hey, Mel, why aren't we out practicing
on the field?
- 593. Well, I thought we could have
kind of a secret practice.
- 594. Maybe become more well-rounded
as a unit.
- 595. Nothing much.
Hitting, running, throwing, catching.
- 596. - Yeah, Clark.
- I heard y o u stunk.
- 597. - Shut up, Number 7.
- Y o u shut up.
- 598. I'll kill you.
- 599. I want you guys to meet
an old friend of mine...
- 600. who knows a thing or two
- 601. Ready when you are, buddy!
- 602. - Is that Mr. T?
- Dude, it's Dr. Dre.
- 603. No, no.
- 604. That's Reggie Jackson.
- 605. Yeah, no, I don't know.
- 606. Mr. October! Five hundred
and sixty-three home runs.
- 607. Twice World Series MVP...
- 608. where he spanked
four consecutive home runs.
- 609. Three on three pitches.
- 610. Reggie bar and I met at tuba camp
when we were kids.
- 611. - Look at that.
- Oh, no way.
- 612. - That's you, Reggie?
- Why is that so funny?
- 613. - I was a cute kid.
- Oh, absolutely.
- 614. You're like a young Denzel.
- 615. I didn't know Denzel played Urkel.
- 616. Reginator and I went through
some tough times...
- 617. with bullies and being picked on.
- 618. I can't stand that stuff.
Drives me crazy!
- 619. - Crazy!
- Easy, buddy.
- 620. Easy.
- 621. Anyway,
I told Reggie-Reggie-Oxen-Free...
- 622. we're having problems
with our fundamentals.
- 623. He agreed to come and help us
run some drills. Isn't that great?
- 624. We'll do the same drills that I did
when I was a kid learning to play.
- 625. All right.
- 626. Hey, so whose house is this?
- 627. This is to teach you speed.
- 628. How is standing here gonna teach us
speed? What are you doing?
- 629. - Hey, run!
- 630. - Go, go!
- Reggie, you're nuts!
- 631. Go, go, go!
- 632. Who in the hell is it?
I was freaking sleeping!
- 633. Nobody messes with me!
- 634. I will rip your throat out!
Do you hear me?
- 635. And I will find you!
- 636. You're in the bushes!
- 637. I'm sorry!
- 638. I'm sorry! Go back to sleep!
- 639. - Come on, guys, let's go. Come on.
- Run, run, run.
- 640. Who's there?
- 641. You better run, you smart alecks!
- 642. - Who is it, Brad?
- Just a bunch of punks...
- 643. who better watch their backs!
- 644. Relax, smarty pants.
Let's finish the massage.
- 645. - Brad have a pool?
- I don't think so.
- 646. Yeah, I guess you're right.
- 647. Oh, you little devil.
I'm gonna get you.
- 648. Nightmares.
- 649. This next drill, boys, is for your
- 650. Hot potato!
- 651. No!
- 652. Excellent, Clark.
- 653. Clark, let it go!
- 654. - Throw it! Get rid of it!
- Come on, let it go!
- 655. Release! Release! Release!
- 656. S o rry.
- 657. O h, dear.
- 658. We Il...
- 659. The final drill is for
hand-eye coordination. Hit it, Mel!
- 660. Let's go racing!
- 661. - Look at that! Excellent!
- That's insane!
- 662. - Yeah, baby!
- You got it, buddy.
- 663. That's my friend!
- 664. Give me the bat.
- 665. Gus Bus! Gus Bus!
- 666. Thattaway to go.
- 667. Don't fall.
- 668. - You got it. You can do it.
- Hit it, baby!
- 669. Man, you can do it. You can do it.
Let me see it.
- 670. Clark, you're lucky I'm a billionaire.
- 671. The so o re is a Il tied up.
- 672. The bottom of the sixth. This is
the Benchwarmers' closest battle yet.
- 673. Strike.
- 674. All right, Clark.
See the ball, be the ball.
- 675. Strike two!
- 676. - Clark just made contact.
- With his own head.
- 677. Grab real tight and concen—
- 678. Hey!
- 679. - Better distance that time. Yeah.
- 680. Richie's coming up.
The Benchwarmers need a hit here.
- 681. All right, Richie, here we go.
- 682. She's way out of your league.
- 683. - What's?
- You're probably a 39-year-old virgin.
- 684. Women don't think that's too cute.
- 685. Shouldn't you be at home,
like, combing your doll's hair?
- 686. Shouldn't you be at home
blowing a doll up?
- 687. That's the only action a tool like you
is ever gonna get.
- 688. Take it out on the ball, not his head.
- 689. Run! Run!
- 690. Move your ass, Richie!
- 691. - Run, Richie, run!
- You got it! Way to run!
- 692. Go! Go! Go!
- 693. Slide if you have to!
- 694. He's rounding third
and heading for home!
- 695. Bring it, dork.
- 696. Touch home plate!
Touch home plate!
- 697. Richie, touch home!
- 698. - Safe!
- He scores!
- 699. - Benchwarmers win!
- It's a miracle! It's a miracle!
- 700. I ain't a virgin now...
- 701. to home runs, beyotch!
- 702. The Benchwarmers win a c I o se o ne
o n Richie's first h o me run...
- 703. in the hist o ry o f the universe.
We'll see y o u in game three.
- 704. - I never hit it.
- Can we have your autographs?
- 705. Are you serious?
- 706. - Yeah, you can.
- All right.
- 707. Write my name on the ball?
- 708. You see that home run?
Tell your sister about it.
- 709. Wait, do you need my address too?
- 710. You guys are making some noise.
This is music to my ear hair.
- 711. My dad has ear hair.
It's pretty scary.
- 712. Is "badass" one or two words?
- 713. - How do they keep winning?
- These guys are turd nuggets!
- 714. - Who wants to wrestle?
- I'm in.
- 715. - All right.
- I'm good, I'm good.
- 716. Gotcha.
- 717. Howie, look,
they're not gonna kill you, all right?
- 718. They're dropping off
the cookies I ordered.
- 719. They look very aggressive.
- 720. - I think they wanna beat me up.
- Trust me, you'll be fine.
- 721. Just take the Thin Mints back
into the apartment.
- 722. - That's our food for the week.
- 723. You can eat the Thin Mints
at my funeral, Richie.
- 724. Hot. Hot.
- 725. Hot sun.
- 726. Cookie.
- 727. Sun, bad! Sun, bad!
- 728. Excuse me?
- 729. - Are you okay?
- How you doing? Yeah. Wrong pipe.
- 730. - No biggie. What's going on?
- Just returning these movies.
- 731. Hey, well, I'm the management
so I'm gonna waive the late fee.
- 732. Oh, they're not late. But thank you.
- 733. Well, anything you want
in the store is free too, so...
- 734. I'm Sarah,
and this is my brother Jarrett.
- 735. He's a huge fan of yours
and the Benchwarmers.
- 736. Cool. Thanks for cheering us on.
- 737. Hey, what does "beyotch" mean?
- 738. That's...
- 739. That means "good game"
- 740. Well, we'll let you get back to work.
- 741. Okay. But maybe I'll see you
at another game, hopefully?
- 742. Yeah. Definitely.
- 743. - All right. See you, Jarrett.
- Beyotch yesterday.
- 744. Marty, what do you think
of my future wife?
- 745. I smell cinnamon rolls.
- 746. Oh, I smell cinnamon rolls too.
- 747. Gentlemen, check it out.
- 748. Nerd headquarters.
Never felt more comfortable in my life.
- 749. Hey, guys, take a gander at these.
We made your own baseball cards.
- 750. - Give me that.
- Let me see this.
- 751. - What?
- They got statistics.
- 752. - I hit 30 home runs.
- I got 11 foul ticks.
- 753. I have 20 eyes-closed strikeouts, five
broken windshields, six dead birds.
- 754. I'm freaking awesome!
- 755. Now listen up. Brookdale and Candia
both advanced today.
- 756. We have to beat them
to make it to the semifinals.
- 757. Unfortunately, it is on
their own home turf.
- 758. We'll have to hit the road
for a few days.
- 759. - Did you say Brookdale?
- Yeah, aren't you from Brookdale?
- 760. - Yeah.
- Oh, that's great.
- 761. We'll have a big
welcome-home party for you.
- 762. No!
- 763. I mean, it's all right.
- 764. I lost contact with everybody there.
- 765. Wait, so we're staying overnight?
- 766. Does my mother have to sign
a permission slip?
- 767. No, but we will have to change
- 768. Seriously, it's been three days.
- 769. Sweetheart, I have to leave town
for a landscaping convention.
- 770. You never mentioned
a landscaping convention before.
- 771. I know. This is the first one.
- 772. My ovulation schedule is delayed
because of the full moon anyway.
- 773. So it's okay.
- 774. Hey, Gussie,
imagine if we had a boy first...
- 775. and he grew up to be smart
and sweet and handsome.
- 776. Or imagine he's only 3 feet tall...
- 777. and everybody in the school calls
him Midget Boy or Yoda.
- 778. Then, just for fun,
they throw him into bowling pins...
- 779. and laugh until
they pee all over themselves.
- 780. Were you Midget Boy or Yoda?
- 781. I don't wanna talk about it.
- 782. Just make some room, honey,
I gotta take a leak.
- 783. Oh, my God, you're not kidding!
Gus, stop it!
- 784. Mel is officially insane.
- 785. Oh, my God.
- 786. Right?
- 787. Gus, how sick is this?
It sleeps five and it's got Playstation.
- 788. Check out the fridge, it's full of sweets.
I'm already on my third candy bar.
- 789. - Oh, man.
- Mother would not approve of this.
- 790. That's creepy.
- 791. - What the hell is that?
- That's just Howie.
- 792. Howie? You left the house.
Good for you.
- 793. Richie told me about the killer
in the neighborhood.
- 794. He's killing anyone named Howie.
That's my name. That's my name.
- 795. Just go with it.
- 796. Let's go, boys, we gotta be
in Candia by 2:00. Oh, FYI:
- 797. This team we're playing is notorious
for egging comic-book conventions.
- 798. Destroy them!
- 799. Howie, you're a freak.
- 800. Edgar, let's get this Gus Bus
on the road.
- 801. Game t hree. Benchwarmers vs.
Standard Fence at Candia City Park.
- 802. - Are we here?
- 803. I think we are.
- 804. It's sixth inning and the Benchwarmers
are down by one run...
- 805. with Clark Reedy up on deck.
- 806. - Clark, hold the bat.
- Wait. Why?
- 807. - That's good.
- What are you doing?
- 808. - Oh, I see.
- It's gonna be great.
- 809. Hey, Richie! I look like a mummy!
- 810. - God, it worked!
- Clark got a hit!
- 811. - Awesome!
- The other way!
- 812. Come on, run it out!
- 813. Let's go! Yeah!
- 814. And Richie scores!
That ties it up, four to four!
- 815. I made it! I made it! Yeah!
- 816. Clark, bend down.
- 817. What the heck was that?
I mean, come on!
- 818. What a moron!
- 819. The ball gets away from the catcher!
Gus goes to second!
- 820. Go! He missed it!
- 821. Hey! What the—? Let go!
- 822. - Go, Gus, go!
- You got it!
- 823. - Come on, over here! Third!
- I got it! You got it. You got it.
- 824. Get the ball! Get the ball! Home!
- 825. Yeah!
- 826. It burns.
- 827. - Hot.
- It burns. It burns.
- 828. And the Benchwarmers win it, 5-4.
- 829. Look at all these people.
We're like the Beatles.
- 830. Or Wham!
- 831. Get your Benchwarmers souvenirs.
- 832. Slide rules, pocket protectors,
- 833. We got everything you need.
- 834. Welcome to Brookdale for game four.
Benchwarmers ball is on the Internet.
- 835. Coach Bellows, Gus Matthews
from the Benchwarmers.
- 836. Shake hands
and have a good game.
- 837. Matthews. That sounds familiar.
You from around here?
- 838. No.
- 839. I grew up on the North Pole.
- 840. Not even close to here.
- 841. And here's the pitch.
- 842. It's a high fly ball!
- 843. Bad news.
The Benchwarmers are behind, 2-0.
- 844. Gus is up. Clark's on third.
- 845. He smacked that one!
- 846. - No!
- 847. This game is all tied up.
- 848. Richie hit a four-footer.
- 849. Run it out! Run it out! Get there!
- 850. He's safe! He's safe! He's safe!
- 851. - Way to go! Run it out!
- He's rounding third.
- 852. Richie scores!
- 853. Clark overran third base.
- 854. - Safe!
- 855. Too high! Bad idea! Call 911!
- 856. That was close. Benchwarmers, 3-2.
Brookdale Glass is shattered!
- 857. - Hey, could we please leave, Mel?
- What? Oh, yeah, sure.
- 858. Gus!
- 859. Gus, maybe this'll relax you.
- 860. Fresh off the presses
o f The Dai I y Shmegmer.
- 861. - We're on the front page.
- No way!
- 862. "Benchwarmers Get Hizzot
and Rizoll Into Semi-Fizinals."
- 863. Mel, if my wife sees this,
I'm totally busted.
- 864. Do not fret, my good man.
- 865. Number 7 is covering
Clark's paper route.
- 866. Pr o b I em s o I ved, Gus.
- 867. Welcome to the semifinals
of Mel's tournament.
- 868. Wayne's Hardware stands between
the Benchwarmers and the final game.
- 869. Meanwhile, the nerd fans
are attempting their first wave ever.
- 870. Hey, Jerry, what's going on?
- 871. Who's this?
- 872. I wanted you guys to have a little edge
today, so I brought my friend Carlos.
- 873. He is from the Dominican Republic,
and he is one incredible ball player.
- 874. Carlos, that's great.
- 875. - How old are you?
- I am 12.
- 876. More like 1200.
- 877. Check my birth certificate.
- 878. He's legit.
- 879. You're kidding.
This is green crayon.
- 880. That's your kid?
- 881. Well, thanks a lot, Jerry,
but my team kicks ass.
- 882. - I think we'll be fine.
- Well, he's here if you need him.
- 883. - I need a refill.
- You need to go to an AA meeting.
- 884. No, really. I need a refill.
- 885. Here, hold this.
- 886. Look, a vampire.
- 887. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- 888. Strike three!
- 889. It's a hit parade!
- 890. Time-out!
- 891. It's about time. You're in, you're in.
Give me that.
- 892. Come on, h o mbre.
We need much o home run-o's.
- 893. - Dude, you smell like beer.
- You look like beer.
- 894. - Hey, who the hell's this guy?
- 895. - Is he on your roster?
- Yeah, of course he is.
- 896. He wasn't well earlier,
so I couldn't play him.
- 897. Mi tummy es sick-o.
- 898. This guy's 50. He's got a mustache.
- 899. Not according to birth "certifico."
- 900. He's got documentation. Play ball!
- 901. Get out of here, baby!
Get out of here, baby!
- 902. Yeah!
- 903. O h, shit.
- 904. Howie, listen, take this money...
- 905. go buy beer and tequila,
and come right back.
- 906. - Don't be scared.
- I don't wanna do that.
- 907. Go, go, go.
- 908. - Nelson.
- You're all right.
- 909. Strike three!
- 910. You gotta step in the batter's box.
- 911. I'm gonna kill your family.
- 912. Yes!
- 913. - Yeah!
- 914. Looks like the Gus Bus
is out of gas.
- 915. I got it! I got it!
- 916. That's what I'm talking about!
- 917. Third inning, and the Benchwarmers
cling to a one-run lead.
- 918. Your hair is like a waterfall.
- 919. - Thank you.
- 920. Who say my name?
- 921. This is a present
from the Benchwarmers.
- 922. You're really good at baseball.
- 923. Gracias, albino. Now get lost!
- 924. Two outs and the Benchwarmers
hanging on, 6-5.
- 925. - Go, go, go!
- Gus, go!
- 926. - Safe!
- Yes! He did it!
- 927. - He did it!
- No way! God!
- 928. My hand!
- 929. Top of the sixth,
Benchwarmers leading, 7-5.
- 930. That looks rough, dude.
Is it broken?
- 931. It's not broken, but I can't pitch.
- 932. - Richie, can you pitch?
- Hell, no, dude. I can't even catch.
- 933. - My vote is to have Clark pitch.
- Wait, why me?
- 934. You throw newspapers.
You have to have some arm.
- 935. - Come on, come on. Let's go, guys.
- Clark, we have no other choice.
- 936. - What are you gonna do?
- I'll play the outfield.
- 937. I can still catch pop flies.
- 938. I'll try.
- 939. I wonder if Clark pitched before.
- 940. - Nope.
- Come on, really burn it in.
- 941. Ball three.
- 942. Come on.
- 943. Ball four. Take your base.
- 944. Two-run lead. Bases are loaded,
and Carlos is coming up.
- 945. One run scores.
- 946. The tying run scores.
- 947. Here comes the lead run!
And he is...
- 948. - Out!
- Oh, my God! What a play!
- 949. We go to the bottom of the last inning,
and it's all tied up.
- 950. Carlos, we need tres more outs
to go into extra innings.
- 951. Is that beer?
- 952. No, it's Gatorade, honky.
Just give me the ball.
- 953. The Benchwarmers need something
against Carlos. He's unhittable.
- 954. It's a live ball! Run it out!
Clark, run it out!
- 955. Yes!
- 956. Maria...
- 957. why did you leave me?
- 958. Letting a 12-year-old drink like that
- 959. Here we g o, Richie, here we g o!
- 960. - Ball!
- Come on, ump, he's ducking it!
- 961. Here we go, Richie, here we go!
- 962. Take your base.
- 963. Gus is up, and here's the pitch.
- 964. Safe!
- 965. Hey, who's on deck?
- 966. - Damn!
- Oh, no. They don't have anyone else.
- 967. - They have to forfeit.
- 968. - You have any reserve players?
- 969. What about that guy over there
eating sun block?
- 970. He's never played before.
- 971. That's not my problem.
He's got a uniform.
- 972. Hey, either he plays
or you forfeit the game. Play ball!
- 973. Last inning, winning run's on third,
and it's all up to Howie.
- 974. - Look at this freak.
- Son, son. Get in the batter's box.
- 975. Someone get his sword.
- 976. - Here you go, Howie. Take this.
- Nelson. Nelson.
- 977. Get up and take a swing.
- 978. Look at all those albinos.
- 979. Wait till he pitches the ball, retard.
- 980. Strike!
- 981. They should let him use his sword.
- 982. Maria!
- 983. - No.
- Come on, weird guy!
- 984. Weird guy! Weird guy! Weird guy!
- 985. Take the base.
- 986. - No way! We win! We win!
- 987. - You have to touch first base, kid.
- Come on, come on.
- 988. Howie, hit by the pitch,
forces in the winning run...
- 989. and sends the Benchwarmers
to the finals!
- 990. That's game.
- 991. Carlos, you're drunk!
- 992. We're here with Richie Goodman
of the Benchwarmers.
- 993. How do you feel after that win?
- 994. What can I say?
Baseball's in my blood.
- 995. Hey, c o u I d I give a sh o ut- o ut
t o my main sa I ad gir I at Pizza Hut?
- 996. I I ike sa I ad.
- 997. Guys, can you believe this crap?
- 998. I'd like to beat his ass,
just like I did back in the diz-ay.
- 999. - Are they any good?
- The only guy that's good is that guy.
- 1000. This is Gus Matthews, the hear t
and s o u I o f the Benchwarmers.
- 1001. Gus Matthews?
- 1002. S o were y o u bu Il ied as a kid?
- 1003. The bu Il y thing affected my I ife pretty
huge, and I wanna te Il y o u kids...
- 1004. messing with o ther kids
can d o a I o t o f damage.
- 1005. What? That guy damaged more kids
than anybody I knew.
- 1006. He made my life hell growing up.
- 1007. You're twice his size.
You could crush that little puke.
- 1008. He didn't do the physical warfare.
- 1009. He played the psychological card
by attacking your weaknesses.
- 1010. I started losing my hair
when I was 9 years old.
- 1011. He jumped all over it
with the mean nicknames.
- 1012. Eight Ball, Bowling Ball...
- 1013. Kojak, Mr. Clean,
Cream of Wheat Guy...
- 1014. Scatman Crothers,
the Black Uncle Fester.
- 1015. How about the
Black Bodybuilding Charlie Brown?
- 1016. That's a good one.
- 1017. He used that too!
- 1018. Oh, don't cry, buddy.
I think your hair's the bomb, yo.
- 1019. - It looks great. Doesn't it, guys?
- 1020. - Really, brothers?
- 1021. Sure, Daddy Warbucks. I would've
never have thought that was a wig.
- 1022. If I was blindfolded.
- 1023. Got a problem? Why don't you punch
me in the face as hard as you can.
- 1024. Pour some honey on me.
Let me see you get really mad.
- 1025. Anyway, at least I left there
with my sanity.
- 1026. He actually teased this one midget boy
in our neighborhood league so bad...
- 1027. the little fella up and quit baseball
and went into the loony bin.
- 1028. Guys, we gotta tell Jerry.
He's gonna love this.
- 1029. - Definitely.
- 1030. Really? Well, thanks, Cassandra.
- 1031. - What's the score now, Mel?
- Well, Jerry's Lumber just won, 5-2.
- 1032. That means our town
gets the stadium!
- 1033. Nelson and his buddies will,
because we'll kill those guys!
- 1034. Yeah! Wicked!
- 1035. - Number 7, shakes all around!
- 1036. I gotta take a leak.
- 1037. Down the hall,
12th door on the right.
- 1038. Last night, we did a st o ry
ab o ut the Benchwarmers...
- 1039. a team o f three men wh o were
exc I uded fr o m baseba Il as kids...
- 1040. and are n o w making up
f o r I o st time.
- 1041. He Il o, Gus.
This is the urina I speaking.
- 1042. Chemica I ana I ysis o f y o ur pee sh o ws
y o u'd better st o p eating fast f oo d...
- 1043. o r y o u're g o ing t o die.
- 1044. We have just been given evidence
that o ne o f the men, Gus Matthews...
- 1045. is n o t the man
he's been saying he is.
- 1046. Hey, no shake for me.
The toilet said so.
- 1047. Gus Matthews was easi I y
the biggest bu Il y in Br o o kda I e.
- 1048. We Il, y o u weren't the nicest kid
in sch o o I either, Steven.
- 1049. I hate everyb o dy!
- 1050. What a baby. But he's right.
- 1051. I was their principa I back then,
and Gus was in my o ffice c o ns t an t I y.
- 1052. I remember he especia Il y
picked s o hard o n o ne kid...
- 1053. that the p oo r b o y
was instituti o na I ized.
- 1054. That's rea Il y t o o bad. Th o se guys
inspired a I o t o f rea Il y nice kids.
- 1055. This is K athy D o bs o n
fr o m Channe I 9 news.
- 1056. You were a jerk just like the rest
of the kids who mess with me?
- 1057. I made a mistake, Nelson.
- 1058. I wish I could take it all back.
- 1059. I can't believe I looked up to you.
- 1060. I don't know what to say, guys.
- 1061. I'm sorry.
- 1062. Let's party!
- 1063. Not now, Number 7!
- 1064. Is that why you don't
wanna have kids, Gus?
- 1065. Do you feel you don't deserve
a happy family because of your past?
- 1066. I'm afraid that if we have kids, they're
gonna get picked on without mercy...
- 1067. because karma
will be catching up with me.
- 1068. Sweetheart, you are wrong.
Life's about learning lessons.
- 1069. I can't just learn a lesson
and move on.
- 1070. That little boy that I picked on
when I was a kid...
- 1071. he didn't ever move on.
- 1072. I bet he'd be able to move on
if you said you were sorry.
- 1073. Can I help you?
- 1074. - Marcus, honey.
- What is it, Mother?
- 1075. I just finished another peanut butter
sculpture. It's a pterodactyl.
- 1076. Oh, that's nice.
You have a visitor, dear.
- 1077. But I don't know anyone.
- 1078. It's Gus from grade school.
- 1079. No!
- 1080. Don't come down here!
- 1081. - Marcus—
- No, don't come down!
- 1082. Take it easy. Take it easy.
- 1083. - Don't touch me!
- Please, hear me out.
- 1084. Just give me a chance.
- 1085. Marcus, stop trying to cast spells.
- 1086. - Marcus—
- Stay away!
- 1087. Look, Marcus, I want to apologize...
- 1088. for all the nasty things I did to you
when we were kids.
- 1089. I'm not here to mess with you.
- 1090. You're lying to me
like all the other times.
- 1091. You are denied entry.
- 1092. I'm sorry,
from the bottom of my heart.
- 1093. I was stupid, Marcus.
- 1094. Get out of my basement!
You're a bad, bad man! Go! Get out!
- 1095. I didn't expect you to forgive me.
- 1096. Look, I know because of me...
- 1097. you were never able to feel
what it was like to play ball...
- 1098. or be part of a team.
- 1099. So I wanna
give you my hat, Marcus.
- 1100. Because even though
you didn't know it...
- 1101. you are the heart and soul
of this squad.
- 1102. I'll see you around, buddy.
- 1103. Start here.
- 1104. - You've got 24 hours.
- What, are you serious?
- 1105. If you build it, nerds will come.
- 1106. And keep it under a billion.
It's all I've got...
- 1107. on me.
- 1108. Excellent!
- 1109. Okay, people!
- 1110. We got 24 hours to build us
a ballpark! Can we do it?
- 1111. Yeah!
- 1112. Cool!
- 1113. Are you kidding me? Look at this.
Dude, this place is huge!
- 1114. - Swings!
- We'll go on the swings later.
- 1115. - Slide.
- That's right, there's a pool.
- 1116. - We'll all go in after.
- I forgot my floaties.
- 1117. We're here live in Greenfield
for the big game...
- 1118. between the Benchwarmers
and Jerry's Lumber.
- 1119. The Benchwarmers were
recently rocked by scandal.
- 1120. Let's see what the fans have to say.
- 1121. Excuse me, sir. What do you think
of the accusations against Gus?
- 1122. His soul will perish in the fire pit
of the underworld.
- 1123. There y o u have it. The fire pits.
N o t a g oo d time.
- 1124. Around the horn.
- 1125. We could still win this thing.
- 1126. - Wha—? How?
- If we use the Force.
- 1127. Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.
- 1128. The Force is powerful,
my young padawan.
- 1129. He's right. It is.
- 1130. Hey, guys.
- 1131. I know I'm not
on the team anymore...
- 1132. but I just wanted you to know that
I'm here to support you.
- 1133. Because you'll always be
my best friends.
- 1134. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Shmegmer Park...
- 1135. and the final game
of Mel's Tournament...
- 1136. of Little Baseballers
and Three Older Guys!
- 1137. Homo!
- 1138. Hey, check out the little gnome.
- 1139. Play ball!
- 1140. Can I say something?
- 1141. Yeah, I guess so.
- 1142. Hand me the mike, please.
I can't reach it.
- 1143. Hello, everyone.
My name is Marcus Ellwood...
- 1144. better known
- 1145. Or Yoda! Or Midget Boy!
- 1146. It is true I ended up in an institution
as a child...
- 1147. from Gus bullying me all the time.
- 1148. And he made my life miserable
- 1149. To be honest, I thought I would never
stop hating him.
- 1150. But then yesterday
he came to visit me in my basement.
- 1151. And as I cowered in my peanut butter
fort, he apologized to me.
- 1152. And I could hear the sadness
in his voice.
- 1153. This nerd makes me
seem like Rambo.
- 1154. I don't think so.
- 1155. - John Stamos?
- 1156. And then, moments
after my old nemesis left...
- 1157. I saw a hat on my stuffed moose.
- 1158. The hat of a Benchwarmer.
- 1159. A Benchwarmer begging
for a new start, just like me...
- 1160. and so many of you.
- 1161. He shouldn't get a new start! I'll never
forgive the kids who picked on me!
- 1162. Yeah!
- 1163. Young one,
life is too short to harbor hatred.
- 1164. Do you remember episode
number 38 of Dunge o n Wars?
- 1165. The golden elves forgive the great
giants for destroying their village...
- 1166. even though the giants
made the elves' life hell.
- 1167. The elves realized the giants
were tortured too.
- 1168. He's a modern-day Yoda.
- 1169. I mean, not his looks
but his philosophy stuff.
- 1170. - Actually, his looks too. Yeah.
- His looks a little bit too, yeah.
- 1171. And so I forgive my new friend Gus,
as all of you should.
- 1172. Look at all the joy and hope
he's brought to all of us.
- 1173. He has more than paid his dues.
- 1174. - Go, Gus!
- Come on, Marcus!
- 1175. Thank you, Marcus. Come on.
- 1176. - Hey. Buddies for life.
- 1177. - I want a little man too.
- Here you go.
- 1178. Me and the guys have been playing
all these games, not for revenge.
- 1179. We did it to show that everyone
should be allowed to play baseball...
- 1180. and have fun.
- 1181. And that is why Clark, Richie and I
will not be playing in the game today.
- 1182. Instead, our team will consist of
kids who've never known...
- 1183. what it's like to play in front
of a crowd or to be cheered on.
- 1184. Let me tell you,
it's an awesome feeling.
- 1185. So please, put your nerd
and jock hands together...
- 1186. and welcome to the field
the new Benchwarmers!
- 1187. - Yeah!
- 1188. All right!
- 1189. Now, lastly, let's make some noise
for your new third-base coach:
- 1190. Marcus Ellwood!
- 1191. Is he all right?
- 1192. For years I thought the sun
was a monster.
- 1193. I'm here to tell you that it's not
a monster. It's not a monster!
- 1194. - You're all right.
- Take him in the shade.
- 1195. All right, let's have some fun!
- 1196. Hey, everyb o dy,
it's C I ark and Richie...
- 1197. and we're standing in
f o r Gre t chen and Mi t che Il.
- 1198. And we're gonna get things going
right now. Big deck.
- 1199. He got it.
- 1200. Oh, no.
- 1201. And he's okay.
- 1202. Oh, hey, that's my helmet!
That's my helmet!
- 1203. It's all right, buddy.
- 1204. Nice try, Sammy!
- 1205. Oh, my God, I just saw
your head for the first time.
- 1206. Let's give a nice r o und o f app I ause
f o r I itt I e Sammy Sprink I er!
- 1207. He missed it
and people are cheering.
- 1208. Yeah, and his coach
didn't even yell at him.
- 1209. That's pretty cool.
- 1210. And here comes our lead-off hitter
with a familiar tape job.
- 1211. Gretchen, I know why
you're taping your hands.
- 1212. I also know why there's three squirrels
that won't be at this game today.
- 1213. Strike! Strike! Strike!
- 1214. Well, there's a strikeout.
- 1215. That's okay! Good try! Good try!
- 1216. Good going, Gretchen.
- 1217. All right, next up it's Jarrett.
- 1218. If you know Jarrett, you know his sister
works at Pizza Hut. She's over there.
- 1219. Another strikeout.
- 1220. And a strikeout. Strikeout.
- 1221. Strikeout. Strikeout. Strikeout.
- 1222. And a strikeout.
- 1223. I think we got a free stadium!
- 1224. Clark, we're beating them
- 1225. And you're also beating them
in boogers picked, so we got that.
- 1226. Good game. Drive home safe tonight.
On the yellow brick road.
- 1227. God, he's a dick.
- 1228. He got all of that one.
Back, back, back!
- 1229. In the pool!
- 1230. Good hit, Kyle.
- 1231. Yeah, nice one, Kyle.
- 1232. Go, Kyle!
- 1233. Well, it's 42 to nothing as we head
into the last inning.
- 1234. And it looks like the Benchwarmers
will go down without a fight.
- 1235. Hey. What are you smiling at?
- 1236. I guess how much fun
- 1237. Wipe the smile off your face
or I'll wipe it off for you.
- 1238. You got three more outs.
- 1239. You blow this shutout, you won't play
on a team next year. Got it?
- 1240. Get out there and annihilate
- 1241. Let's go!
- 1242. Come on, let's do this!
- 1243. Strike one!
- 1244. Hang in there, son!
- 1245. Come on, Nelson!
- 1246. Strike two!
- 1247. Come on, strike out this loser!
- 1248. You know what? You're the loser.
- 1249. Time!
- 1250. - What's up, buddy?
- Hey, Nelson.
- 1251. - I'll throw you one down the middle.
- What does that mean?
- 1252. It means choke up on the bat a little
and swing away.
- 1253. - The ball's gonna be right there.
- Hey, thanks.
- 1254. I can help you with your social studies
homework later if you need it.
- 1255. Sounds good.
I suck at social studies.
- 1256. Okay, guys, follow my lead.
- 1257. - Butterfingers.
- He got a hit!
- 1258. - Come on! Go, go!
- Oh, my God!
- 1259. Why are you kicking it?
- 1260. Go, go!
- 1261. - Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
- 1262. Run! Come on! Go! Go! Go home!
- 1263. - Go, go, go!
- Go, Nelson!
- 1264. Nelson, get at the plate!
- 1265. Slide! Slide!
- 1266. Safe!
- 1267. We did not get shut out!
- 1268. What is going on? What is going on?
Let go of me! Nerds!
- 1269. You put me down!
What is going on?
- 1270. - Can I let you in on a secret?
- 1271. I've never actually, like, totally,
100-percent kissed a girl before...
- 1272. and I was wondering
if you would be my first one.
- 1273. I would like nothing more than that.
- 1274. Rea—?
- 1275. Clark!
- 1276. You kissed a girl before I did?
- 1277. This is way better than macaroni.
- 1278. I'm not afraid of the sun anymore.
- 1279. That's good, buddy.
How's the moon treating you?
- 1280. Not a fan.
- 1281. Hey, Gus. The new Benchwarmers
are gonna need a coach next season.
- 1282. What do you say?
- 1283. I'd be honored, Mel...
- 1284. but I might be a little busy
getting my family started.
- 1285. Actually, honey,
it's already been started.
- 1286. Really?
- 1287. Hey, everybody!
- 1288. I'm gonna be a dad!
- 1289. - That's quite an ovation.
- You wanna hear an even bigger one?
- 1290. The reason she's pregnant is
because I went all the way with her!
- 1291. That's so great.
What does "all the way" mean?