The Beach Bum (2019)

1. (singsongy): See, see, see, see, see, see, saw.

2. Meenie, meenie, meenie, meenie, my, my, my.

3. - (meowing continues) - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

4. Un gatito albino.

5. Gatito hermosa. My little angel pussy.

6. Nobody? Anybody?

7. - Yeah. Come on. - (meows, purrs)

8. I'll give you something...

9. Moondoggy!

10. The best part of the city

11. - of Key West, Florida. Moondog!

12. It's Moondoggy!

13. The most prolific poet in Key West, Florida.

14. To help me out, I'm gonna throw a few fresh lines on you,

15. a little poem I'm working on right now.

16. Last night...

17. Come on, Moondog!

18. when I went to bed in a van,

19. I was... I was thinking about you.

20. I was thinking about you.

21. And I got up about 4:00 a.m.,

22. and I had to take a piss, as guys do,

23. and I looked down at my dick...

24. - (crowd laughing) - (cat meowing)

25. and I had such affection in my heart when I did.

26. Knowing that it had been

27. inside you twice today...

28. made me feel beautiful.

29. - (cheers and applause) Moondog!

30. That's what I got.

31. Have a great night. Chase the moon.

32. Hey.

33. Moondog is gonna go get dinner.

34. - Moby Dick, ladies. - Whoo! Moondog!

35. Gonna need a bigger boat!

36. - (laughter) - Yes!

37. Don't you laugh.

38. They don't even make these anymore.

39. I'm looking for something a little more earthbound.

40. Big-breasted, no scars,

41. - just like you. - No scars. Natural breasts.

42. - Just like you. Just like you. - Natural breasts.

43. You won't have me unless I put a ring on it.

44. Before I accept whatever award it is they're giving me today,

45. I just want to start off with a little bit of poetic foreplay.

46. I wrote this in the wilds of Kentucky.

47. I didn't have peach fuzz over my pecker at the time.

48. I was surrounded by inbreds, rednecks,

49. juveniles, limp-dicks and all that times 14.

50. It's a little poem I wrote that I always like to read first

51. because it takes me back

52. - to such a pure place. - (crowd whooping, shouting)

53. - Okay. Check this out. Moondog!

54. One day, I will swallow up the world.

55. And when I do, I hope you all perish violently.

56. Thank you. How about another one for Mr. Jimmy Buffet right here?

57. - (cheering) - (whooping)

58. Hey, hey.

59. Hey, hey, hey, what's shaking, little ginger goat?

60. I miss you. - Oh, I miss you, too, sweetie.

61. Well, it's boring here without you.

62. I know, right? I can only imagine.

63. Well, I need you back here in Miami.

64. I need my husband.

65. Eh, civilization.

66. Come on, and I need help with the wedding.

67. Wha... I mean, do you really?

68. Heather and I need you to come back home.

69. Ah, you know my home is down here in the Keys

70. with all the burnouts, sweetie.

71. I'm a bottom-feeder.

72. I got to go low to get high. You know that.

73. No, it's here, and we have so many friends and guests coming.

74. No, your friends. No, I don't have any friends.

75. Yes, you do.

76. Well, at least they pretend to be your friends.

77. You know what? 'Rie just popped over.

78. Moondog, what it do?

79. Oh, is that the Linger' one and only?

80. Man, you already knew it, man.

81. I just stopped by to drop off some roses

82. to your lovely wife, man.

83. Keep it pushing. You know what I'm talking about?

84. But I wish you could see Heather.

85. Oh, my goodness. She's just glowing

86. - and so happy about the wedding, baby. - "Glowing"?

87. Why is she glowing?

88. It's because she's so in love.

89. Oh, shit. You scared me for a minute.

90. Wait, what does she know about love, anyway?

91. She's 16 years old. She doesn't know what love is.

92. She's too young to get married.

93. She's 22, Moondog.

94. Ah, 22, whatever.

95. I mean, besides, she's marrying such a limp-dick.

96. Yeah, you're probably right.

97. - Bye, boo-boo. I love you. - Bye, Minnie-boo. Linger'.

98. Moondog, until we meet again. Bad moon rising.

99. Come here. Love you, love you.

100. Gatito.

101. Where's my wine?

102. - (tuba plays discordant note) - (woman squeals)

103. - (meows) - (Moondog laughing)

104. Hey, hey, hey.

105. Moondog, buenos dias.

106. (kisses) Poor baby.

107. I know.

108. I think it's time to go home.

109. Hey! - I missed you, my love.

110. Oh, yeah. One more time, baby.

111. Did you miss me?

112. - (grunting): I got it. I got it. - Oh, honey.

113. I got it. I... (grunts)

114. Oh. Oh, look at you.

115. No, you've been gone too long.

116. - Look at you. - You have to woo me.

117. Woo, woo, doo, doo, did you miss me?

118. Good.

119. I forgot how rich we were. (chuckles)

120. Yeah, you did forget, Moondog.

121. Mm.

122. I missed all ten of you.

123. - Mmm. (slurping) - Mm.

124. - Oh, that's so good. Oh, God. - (Moondog grunting)

125. You're never gonna write that new book, honey. Oh!

126. (muffled): I'm having lunch with my agent today.

127. - Oh, God. - We'll be going over the new book.

128. - It's not written yet. - Of course not.

129. - (moaning) -I think this is gonna be a good one, baby.

130. Well, make sure it doesn't take too long.

131. I want everything to go perfectly

132. for Heather's wedding today.

133. - I'm so fucking on time. - Uh-uh.

134. I'm the last guy you got to worry about.

135. - No. Sweetie, seriously. - Mm. Mm?

136. You cannot be late. Okay?

137. Because you just can't.

138. - Okay. - I'm not gonna be late, sweetie.

139. I forgot to tell you that, uh, I invited

140. - your mother to the wedding. - Mm-hmm.

141. (moans) Oh, and...

142. and Heather's not wearing the white dress.

143. She's gone with the oyster one with the pearls.

144. - Oh, sh... Oh. - (Moondog muttering)

145. Oh, you can go, Akiko.

146. Thank you, ma'am. - Oh, that's right-right...

147. Right there, honey.

148. (moaning, shouting) Oh, Moondog.

149. It's so nice of 'Rie to let us have the wedding at his place.

150. He's really pulled out all the stops.

151. The Lingerie Doggy Dogg.

152. He got ordained just for the event.

153. Dearly beloved...

154. No, I wouldn't say that shit like that.

155. Players and playettes.

156. Today, we have this man coming for this woman.

157. Bitch, now, you know you're too young to be married, right?

158. You got a lot of living to do, baby.

159. Ain't nobody even made

160. your little pink tweeter squirt yet, huh?

161. You need to settle down somewhere

162. and run for the motherfucking hills.

163. Shit, I got sidetracked for a minute.

164. Fuck!

165. You know, it breaks my heart, Moondog.

166. It breaks my heart 'cause you a motherfucking has-been, boy.

167. (laughs) Whatever the fuck that is. Is that a bad thing?

168. Goddamn, it's a bad thing, Moondog.

169. As you're forever aging, I feel obliged

170. to be truthful with you at all times.

171. - Hey, you're a shitty agent. - It's sad, Moondog.

172. You used to be a motherfucking ATM for me, boy.

173. You have pissed away your talent on women and booze

174. and total excess.

175. Now you're talking. Yeah, all those things,

176. that's what feeds the juices up here in my noggin, man.

177. Through my loins, up the autobahn.

178. My spirit and mind, man.

179. I'm... I'm moist right now. I'm lubricated.

180. Yeah, but you the fastest horse in my stable, boy.

181. You think I want to take a motherfucking shotgun,

182. put it in your mouth, blow your brains

183. all over my nice motherfucking clothes?

184. That's the fucking Lewis I'm talking about.

185. You think I want to do that?

186. You was a revolutionary writer.

187. You were a radical.

188. Your words meant something to people.

189. Either way, it's a good thing I'm rich, Lewis.

190. Especially since I'm well hung.

191. You ain't rich, Moondog.

192. Your wife's rich.

193. That's true.

194. And it's been a while since I had you in there,

195. but you ain't well hung, boy!

196. - Get in there. Get in there. - You ain't well hung!

197. - Get in there. Come on. - I mean, goddamn. God...

198. San Francisco standoff, baby?

199. - (grunting); 0h! - (laughs)

200. I read in The Pelican today Heather's getting married.

201. It's a big day.

202. Yeah. This afternoon, handing her off.

203. Well, congratulations.

204. And you know what? I worked through it.

205. And I'm not even upset even a little bit

206. that I was not included in the ceremonies.

207. Oh, you thought you'd be included?

208. No, well, I-I... like I said,

209. I'm busy anyway, so like I said, I'm-I'm not offended.

210. And-and I just want to be clear, this doesn't have to do, uh...

211. (clears throat) ... with the incident a few years back.

212. Oh, when you walked in on her, saw that...

213. - I didn't know she was changing. - She said you stayed

214. a little longer than a few seconds.

215. - (laughs) - Well...

216. I used to mix signals back then.

217. - Hey, man. -It was a... it-it was a confusing time.

218. I would misread things often, and...

219. Whatever raises your skirt, man. It never bothered me.

220. Well, I'm busy regardless, so I-I could not attend

221. even if you... (clears throat) if people had a change of heart.

222. I'm-I'm-I'm... have other obligations.

223. - Sweet-ass, man. - Yeah.

224. Hey, here's your ball, man. Let's knock this fucker

225. - back on the fairway and get a good lie. -Yeah.

226. Name is? - Shardanne.

227. Now, how does that say "Shardanne

228. all the way up the middle of your thigh?

229. You know what my horoscope said?

230. "Don't play with matches."

231. You don't have to, 'cause the fire's already lit, sweetie.

232. Little veils behind...

233. And you got a lot of great things going on all over

234. - your B-O-D-Y right now. - Mm.

235. I got leopard. - Leopard?

236. Yeah. - I've got volcano orange.

237. I love you. You're so crazy.

238. Oh, what are you making back there, a salad?

239. What are you making, a burger back there?

240. Ooh! (laughs)

241. Hello?

242. - Moondog. Where are you? - Hey.

243. Yeah. Yeah. (moans)

244. Oh, hey, hey, baby. Uh, right around the corner.

245. Finished up a little yoga class.

246. A little downward doggystyle.

247. You are gonna miss our daughter's wedding.

248. No, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

249. Uh, look, I'm right around the corner, honey.

250. Pulling in the driveway any second.

251. The limp-dick groom is melting down.

252. Okay, well, hurry up, please.

253. - I love you, baby. - You're stressing me.

254. - I'm on my way! - Okay, because the wedding is starting.

255. Lingerie? Let's hit it, baby.

256. Love between a boy and a girl can be so wonderful.

257. Especially when it's a girl that I've known

258. ever since she was born.

259. Aw. - Heather, you know I love you

260. and I love your family, and I'm so happy

261. to see you get married today.

262. To him.

263. And you got to be ready to take on everything

264. that she stands for, and that includes her...

265. What are you doing?

266. - You're going too fast. What the...?

267. - (Minnie chuckles) - (trilling) Bye, Mom.

268. Whoa! No!

269. - Oh! Damn, Dog!

270. I'm just kidding, sweetie. That's not my mom.

271. You know that. Mm. How are you?

272. - Good. I... - Hey, can I borrow that, Linge'?

273. - Sir, yes, sir. - All right, see,

274. everyone knows this is my daughter.

275. Me and my Minnie-boo's daughter.

276. Aw.

277. And we're gonna be handing away the bride to be, right now,

278. - a little family tradition we got before we... -Hi.

279. hand over any daughters in our family.

280. We just got to...

281. - (grunting) Wait. - ... lightly check the package.

282. - What are you doing? - The other side. That's not bad.

283. Like five inches flaccid.

284. Ah, Mr. 'Rie, your mic, sir.

285. Thank you. Pardon the interruption.

286. I would like to thank Mr. Moondog for that presentation.

287. Today, dearly beloved, we come together

288. to give Heather to Mr. Limpy.

289. You in a world of motherfucking problems with this family.

290. They fucked-up.

291. Is that the motherfucking Moondog?

292. The one and only Palmia, Lingerie.

293. Moondog, be careful.

294. This here, I can't even explain it, man.

295. This is sort of kind of like a hallucinogenic.

296. - Yeah, you see... - You gonna see all kind of shit, man.

297. My number one jam, you know, the single that was number one

298. - for 16 weeks? - Uh-huh.

299. This is that thing.

300. Wait, wait, wait. Be careful, Dog.

301. You about to go to a place you never been before.

302. That shit don't come with seat belts.

303. He almost ruined the whole day.

304. Don't say that.

305. No, it was fun.

306. - He's fucked-up, Mom. - Ah...

307. - It's just Moondog. - Don't make excuses for him.

308. You just kind of have to accept that he's...

309. he's from another dimension. He really is.

310. And you have to love him for it. I do.

311. You and Limp-Dick are gonna have to accept that.

312. No, but I do think Moondog's mother coddled him way too much.

313. I've told her this before. I mean,

314. he wore a diaper until he was eight.

315. Honestly, I think she put brandy in his little bottle.

316. Man, my nu... ah... my nuts are throbbing right now.

317. First time I hit this shit, nigga went in a coma.

318. I forgot how to motherfucking breathe.

319. - What you see? - 15 lights and 39 ladies.

320. What about those cartoons right there? Can you see 'em?

321. Are we looking at the same screen?

322. Are you sleeping with Lingerie?

323. Yes, yes.

324. And he's a wonderful lover.

325. Does Dad know?

326. Your father wouldn't mind, darling.

327. Your father goes away. You know, 'Rie is...

328. (inhales sharply) Whoa.

329. Um, I think it was just 'Rie's been there.

330. I mean, at your third birthday,

331. it was 'Rie who brought the pony in.

332. I remember.

333. - And he blew out my candles. - Exactly.

334. Well, he was stoned.

335. What's happening down here, cap?

336. Just fuck with me one time, Dog.

337. You gonna love this. Slide in where you ride in, Dog.

338. What the fuck? (laughs)

339. (echoing): Moondog, welcome to the NASA Command Center

340. of Mary Jane.

341. - (wolf-whistles) - This shit only grows

342. in an isolated pond in Jamaica.

343. It sprouts out of a pink fluorescent moss patch.

344. Pink fluorescent?

345. Mm, mm, mm.

346. This weed here, it's so good,

347. it could make a motherfucker yearn for the afterlife.

348. It could send you to the outer limits of humanity.

349. That's the keys and the trees to my success.

350. 'Cause once a year, I fly to Jamaica,

351. do a concert at a big old park, bribe the government.

352. They turn their cheek this way, and we fly off that way.

353. - Get out. - Mm-hmm.

354. You don't remember this, but the day you were born

355. and you came out of your mother's womb,

356. I was there between your legs, and your head came out

357. nice and smooth, with guts all over it.

358. And it was a bloody mess, but it was poetry.

359. Aw. -(laughter) - I saw your face,

360. but I didn't quite see your eyes until I stuck my pinky finger

361. in this, like, placenta veil and peeled it back over your face

362. and there you were.

363. And that's when I put my hands on both sides of your head

364. and escorted you into this world.

365. I want to say...

366. What's your name again? For real.

367. - Frank. - Frank.

368. - Franky B. - Now...

369. I give you my daughter to put your hands

370. and take her into the rest of the world.

371. - Aw. - Thank you.

372. - (cheering, applause) - Beautiful.

373. Love you.

374. Oh, shit.

375. In the dusk, you see... you see that woman?

376. She's singing to us.

377. Calling us back over the... vistas of our past

378. right back to the child who huddles under the piano.

379. He's sitting there with the boom of the tingling strings.

380. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's got his hand...

381. he's got his hand on it.

382. On the foot of his mother.

383. And she smiles as she sings.

384. And in spite of myself, the insidious mastery of song

385. has betrayed me back once again,

386. - till the heart of me... - (cries)

387. where I weep to belong.

388. Oh.

389. That is the most brilliant shit I've ever heard.

390. You wrote that?

391. - Yeah, I did. - That is some wild shit, Dog.

392. Glad you like it, man. I wrote that in my younger years.

393. Whew.

394. Actually, a guy named D.H. Lawrence wrote it,

395. all right, but I stole it and plagiarized it

396. in my seventh grade poetry contest, and guess what.

397. I won that motherfucker. (laughs)

398. - Moondog, you my motherfucker. - Hey, hey.

399. Family and friends,

400. thank you for coming and sharing this perfect day with us.

401. This day has been off the hook, am I right?

402. And, Heather, you're my angel.

403. - Thanks. - (crowd cheering)

404. Where have you been?

405. Waiting for you.

406. Have you seen Moondog, darling?

407. No, I haven't, but what I do know is

408. when I don't see him, and I see you,

409. that means there's more time for us.

410. Wow.

411. - (indistinct chatter) - (song fades)

412. You need some help, man?

413. Sir, are you okay?

414. You know, I-I knew...

415. I knew Minnie was fucking Lingerie.

416. You know how sometimes you just... you just know?

417. You know, one always knows, right?

418. They don't even have an explanation.

419. They just know.

420. Like you two— You probably just know, right?

421. Huh? Mwah.

422. Tricks of the trade you got going on?

423. Moondog.

424. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

425. Minnie-Minnie-boo-boo.

426. Minnie-Minnie-boo.

427. I knew I'd find you here, darling.

428. - You're fucking stunning. - (laughs)

429. God was having a good fucking day

430. when he made the Minnie-boo, huh, didn't he?

431. I think it's their anniversary, and if it's not, it ought to be.

432. Oh, happy anniversary.

433. Sweetie, don't be insincere with strangers.

434. It doesn't look good on you.

435. - Let's go driving! - You want to go driving?

436. - Let's go. - Let me grab my beer.

437. - Happy anniversary, yo. - (laughing)

438. - (siren wailing) - (indistinct radio chatter)

439. Where's Minnie?

440. Watch it.

441. - Got it? - Yep.

442. Airbag deployed. Possible chest trauma.

443. Jesse, pull her in place, please.

444. Trauma Two's been prepped.

445. Hold door.

446. Trauma Two.

447. Watch yourselves. Coming through.

448. Pull her in place, please.

449. - Hey. Hey. Hey.

450. Stay there.

451. Mmm, beep, beep, beep, mmm.

452. What do you want to do?

453. - What do you want to do?

454. - You're such a fuckup. - (chuckles softly)

455. Mm...

456. (whispering): Aw, Minnie-boo.

457. And through Almighty God, we commend the soul

458. of our departed sister,

459. and we commit her body to the ground.

460. Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes.

461. Dust to dust.

462. Minnie was a fine woman, and we, her family and friends,

463. are blessed to have known her.

464. In the fullness of time,

465. and with the help of the good Lord,

466. we shall all be with her again.

467. Until that time,

468. may the blessings of God Almighty, the Father...

469. How you doing, honey?

470. - I'm okay.

471. I'm okay. How are you?

472. "When I was born, I was happy.

473. I was born on the ocean in a gigantic boat."

474. Big fuckin' boat.

475. "My parents were fishermen.

476. "Both were great long-distance runners.

477. "I was read to as a child,

478. "mostly books about survival and contortion.

479. "I drank off the teats of caribou.

480. "Scrumptious. Tasted like jasmine and cupcakes.

481. - 'Cause I remember..." - Fuckin' good, Moondog.

482. "I lived through several wars.

483. "They were never fun.

484. "Why? 'Cause I was shot at.

485. "But I fuckin' returned fire.

486. "I wrote letters to loved ones.

487. - "I memorized winter haiku." - (laughing)

488. "I played games with myself.

489. "Counted the lily pads. Stared in the mirror."

490. I did what I had to do... to keep going."

491. - Damn, I was good, man. - "I made sandwiches.

492. "I played the dance. It was hot.

493. "It was dry. It was raining, it was not.

494. I was fluent in all things dealing with nature."

495. That's great poetry.

496. Dot, dot, dot, dot.

497. Come on, what's "nothing" mean, huh?

498. Nothing. That's what it means.

499. Not a single cent until...

500. Till what?

501. You got to publish your novel, or you get nothing.

502. Uh...

503. Minnie always had a feeling she was gonna die before you.

504. She used to call me up in a panic.

505. Someone did her tarot cards.

506. Predicted it all. Freaked her out.

507. But she was right, I guess.

508. Her will is very precise.

509. Minnie had a will.

510. Motherfucker, that's weird.

511. Yes, she did.

512. She was concerned that if anything ever happened to her,

513. you'd piss away her family's fortune.

514. And she wanted you to finally publish your novel.

515. - Poems. - Whatever.

516. I write poetry, you little bitch.

517. Until then, half of everything goes to Heather.

518. And the other half of yours sits frozen in escrow

519. for a bit of time

520. until you fulfill the requirements stated here.

521. Ah, it's about time you guys got here.

522. I'm gonna need some help carrying my luggage.

523. If you're coming in, kick off your shoes.

524. Effective immediately, you can go back to your home

525. and get your typewriter and some crappy underwear,

526. but that's it.

527. You're now persona non grata.

528. Minnie owned everything. Everything was in her name.

529. You're now, basically, a bum.

530. She owned the cars, the clothes,

531. the houses, country club memberships,

532. cats and dogs.

533. She did not own all the cats.

534. Minnie loved you very much.

535. She just hated seeing you throw it all away.

536. (shouting): Thank you, Minnie-boo!

537. Fuck you as well.

538. I mean, to be fair, there's a lot

539. of bad guys out there, right?

540. You guys are with me in my wife's closet.

541. This is what you went to the academy,

542. though, for, right, shit like this?

543. Look after guys like me at times like this.

544. You never know when you're gonna catch

545. a fully dressed man unarmed.

546. I'm gonna wear my Minnie-boo's Uggs.

547. Wear them in her memory.

548. She had abnormally large feet.

549. Great fuckin' style.

550. See those books?

551. I wrote those.

552. You're probably not big readers, are you?

553. That's cool. There's no pressure.

554. Alvarez, I wrote that one for you.

555. José!

556. Listen, I'm gonna take a little leave of absence.

557. But I left you a little bushel of the sticky-icky

558. that you like, huh.

559. I can't tell you where it is,

560. 'cause these guys might go and try and smoke it,

561. but it's the same place as last time.

562. Keep the pool hot.

563. I put it at 120 for you.

564. That's what I'm talking about.

565. Keep it there, baby, and add the chlorine,

566. 'cause I may have a gangbang when I get back.

567. I will invite your mother.

568. - Thank you, Mr. Moondog. - Wish me luck.

569. I'm off to write the next great American novel.

570. Will do. Thank you, sir.

571. Mom did this for a reason.

572. I'm not gonna let you stay here.

573. - Okay. - Dad, sorry.

574. How about just loaning me a little bit?

575. Just a little bit of spending cash

576. so I can get by for a week or two.

577. Dad, I just... I'll be here for you,

578. but just don't come back till you're ready.

579. Honey, I'm not asking for the world here.

580. I'm just asking for a wee bit of compassion

581. for your father.

582. I know, but when's it gonna end?

583. You're gonna keep coming back and asking me

584. for more and more and more.

585. Dad, I love you, but I can't do that.

586. - Okay. - I just can't. I...

587. Just come back when you're ready, but I...

588. Okay, I understand.

589. - I'm sorry. - I understand.

590. Don't apologize, sweetie.

591. You'll see.

592. You'll see, my little angel.

593. I'll be back, better than ever.

594. Back so good you're gonna see that I was never gone

595. in the first place.

596. Love you, Dad. I'm sorry.

597. Love you.

598. I still don't understand how you married

599. this milk-drinking closet case.

600. - I mean, look at him. - Closet case?

601. He's got no magic, he's got no style.

602. He's dressed up like a JV cheerleader.

603. I had high hopes for you, Heather.

604. High fuckin' hopes.

605. Fuck off! Get out of here,

606. you fuckin'... turd!

607. It's okay.

608. Sorry, he just makes me crazy.

609. He may be a jerk, but he's a great man.

610. He's brilliant.

611. I mean, you'll never be great or brilliant.

612. You're dependable.

613. Oh, thanks.

614. Like that, I like that, I like that.

615. Look, Lewis, I'm a bit destitute, man.

616. Float me enough cash to get back down to the Keys

617. so I can buy the fun goodies that make me

618. smile and laugh all day.

619. Is that so much to ask?

620. I can't do it for you, Big Papa.

621. I can't, because you know what?

622. I've been waiting for ages, and I ain't

623. - getting no pages, sweet tooth. - Mm-hmm.

624. I can't do it.

625. That's a good... that's a good point.

626. Yeah, it is a good point.

627. That's why I made it, you dumb fuck.

628. I'm not asking you to part the fuckin' Red Sea for me.

629. I'm asking you for enough loot to set me up

630. for a few weeks here so I can have my daily goodies.

631. Little booze, little weed, a little poontang.

632. That's not asking too much.

633. And since you're saying you won't,

634. then do your fuckin' job and just get me a gig, you know?

635. Fuck, I'll speak anywhere.

636. Get me set up at a church, a public library,

637. a retirement home, Mapco!

638. And they can pump their gas, and they hear me

639. through the little speaker up there.

640. The little aluminum thing. I don't give a fuck.

641. Oh, my God.

642. Call my motherfuckin' chiropractor.

643. My back is gonna be fucked up tomorrow.

644. - (slams phone down) - I can...

645. I'm not even sure what he's, like...

646. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

647. Is friendship about "I need something from you"?

648. Do you understand what I'm talking about, Bertie?

649. - (bong bubbling) - Civility.

650. (laughs): Yes.

651. It makes complete sense, man.

652. I have real clients up for literary awards.

653. I'm sending faxes at my office.

654. Hello?

655. Motherfucker hung up on me. Oh, my God.

656. What's going on, guys?

657. Hey, is, uh, Linger' in?

658. Nah.

659. - Lingerie's not in? - No.

660. - Where is he? - Jamaica.

661. Ah, the Magical Stoner.

662. I get your drift, man.

663. Your silence is code with me.

664. So, what's with the guns?

665. Huh?

666. You guys ever watch Magnum, P.I.?

667. It's based on my life.

668. I watch it all the time.

669. It's like looking in the fucking mirror.

670. All right, catch you later.

671. Mm.

672. Hey, let him know Moondog came by, huh?

673. "The wind, the rain, the star, the bird,

674. "the clock will answer you:

675. "'Get drunk, good man.

676. - "'Do not be martyred slaves of Time." - (laughter, muttering)

677. Get drunk and stay drunk!

678. Is that poetry?

679. Of course it's poetry, you toothless, illiterate chump.

680. - It's Baudelaire. - Here's a poem.

681. - Come on. - It goes...

682. Not bad, Phil. Not bad at all.

683. Hey, who wants to go on a field trip?

684. This your car here?

685. Why did you destroy your own house?

686. Eh, I don't...

687. Boredom, I guess? I don't know.

688. Dad, what is wrong with you?

689. I'm fine. I'm really better than fine.

690. It's just, this is another little adventure we're on.

691. When'd you become such a Republican?

692. - Republican? - Or whatever.

693. Oh, my God.

694. You know, just getting my groove on.

695. - Having a little fun. - Your groove?

696. - Yeah. - What groove?

697. Honey, honey, honey, whoa, whoa.

698. When's the last time you laughed, honey?

699. Phil, Phil, Phil, do the thing.

700. See if you can make my baby laugh.

701. Hi, Heather.

702. I am Toothless Phil.

703. I am a good friend of your daddy.

704. We want you to be happy.

705. We love you just the way you are.

706. - (laughs) - Who's your daddy?

707. Moondog's your daddy. He loves you.

708. Mm-hmm.

709. Back again, huh?

710. Your choice: prison or rehab.

711. Is there a third option?

712. - Nope. Last chance. - (laughter, muttering)

713. Rehab it is. Preferably somewhere tropical.

714. I'm remanding you into the custody of your daughter.

715. - She will escort you to a rehab facility now. -Great.

716. You'll need to spend a mandatory 12 months there

717. getting your life back together, Moondog.

718. - 12 days is not a problem. - 12 months.

719. - Okay. - MAN: 12 months?

720. It all stops now— The foolishness.

721. I understand. I need a change of pace. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

722. And if you mess this up, it's jail time you're getting.

723. If-if I may suggest, Your Honor.

724. Tell her, Moondog! - I was told

725. of this amazing rehab facility in the Virgin Islands.

726. It's got an open bar

727. - and 24-hour Thai massage. - (laughter)

728. A little jerky-jerk to take

729. the edge off during the detox period.

730. Drain the old jizz pipe with the antitoxins.

731. - Excuse me? - All due respect

732. to my own personal fluid transition into my sobriety.

733. I want to let you know that the therapeutic value

734. of a groin massage

735. during the acute withdrawal phase is off the charts

736. - fucking medicinal. - It's not gonna happen.

737. Take it easy, Judge!

738. - It's not gonna happen. - Why you got to be like that?

739. You know, I was... I was a real fan of your writing, Moondog.

740. - Yeah? - (cheering)

741. - (laughter) - Shut up.

742. But, you know, it amazes me how someone

743. that can write so beautifully can be so crude and reckless.

744. Don't you be acting like you knew where the rooster crow.

745. Don't let us down, Moondog.

746. We're rooting for you. Next.

747. Get him out of here.

748. Heather, my dear,

749. would you be so kind as to pull over

750. and get your old man one final beer?

751. Sure, Dad.

752. Yeah. Give me a, uh, Lucky Lotto Triple 7

753. and a... and a cigar, would you?

754. Sure.

755. You don't sell acid, do you?

756. No.

757. That's too bad, man.

758. This place used to.

759. Did your mother love me?

760. Yes, Dad.

761. She said that?

762. Of course.

763. She think I was brilliant?

764. She thought you were a genius.

765. She said that? (laughs softly)

766. That's why she stayed with you all those years.

767. And that's why you've always been able

768. to get away with everything, Dad.

769. Oh, Minnie-boo.

770. She had an incredible ass.

771. Could fellate like a python.

772. Fuck, she could fellate a python if she...

773. I'm gonna miss her.

774. Let's go to rehab.

775. Mm. I'll try and do better, okay?

776. - Okay. - Okay.

777. You can do this.

778. Mm. Okay. All right, Sunrise.

779. Let's get this party started.

780. It really wasn't up to me.

781. You should've heard the judge, man.

782. She-she swung a hard gavel.

783. She was a fan of mine, too.

784. Which is kind of weird, but...

785. I mean, I wouldn't have come down here like, you know,

786. if I didn't have a little bit of a nudge, you know?

787. Well, this lady's very happy that you're here.

788. We have your entire year planned out.

789. So when you leave us, you'll be a changed person.

790. God, grant me the serenity

791. to accept the things I cannot change

792. and the courage to change the things I can

793. and the wisdom to tell the difference.

794. Hey, you guys are funny.

795. Oh, that's such bullshit.

796. .(laughter) - No.

797. Oh, you fucking talk to yourself.

798. What's up, everybody? Uh, my name is Jason Kravitz.

799. Hi, Jason. - Uh, third time here.

800. What? Who's repeating? Who's repeating?

801. Ah, you are.

802. Yeah, uh, first time I was here, I was... I was drinking a lot.

803. So I decided to make... make myself a better person.

804. I decided to come here.

805. Uh, when I got out, I was good for about six months.

806. (fading): And my friends were like, "Dude,

807. you don't have to... you don't have to drink to have fun."

808. I said, "That's right.

809. We could do weed or cocaine or heroin."

810. And we did 'em all.

811. My dad's a preacher. He's the one that fucking put me in here.

812. - Why? -'Cause he caught me huffing paint a few times.

813. Also, I was breaking into people's houses

814. - and just burning shit. - (laughs)

815. Like, nothing real bad.

816. I love lighting shit on fire.

817. I'm a tiger, bro. It wasn't dangerous.

818. - Yeah. Eh. - Nobody was home.

819. We didn't find out the kids were upstairs

820. until later, and if I wasn't there,

821. they would've fucking burned to death. I got 'em out.

822. - From the second floor? - Yeah. Well...

823. - Like, a ladder and shit? - Yeah. No, no,

824. - I just went up the stairs. Yeah. -Oh, cool.

825. What kind of music is this?

826. This is Christian fucking metal, man!

827. - You like it? - I do!

828. Yeah, this band is from Albuquerque.

829. The lead singer fucking blew himself up on accident.

830. - On accident? - Yeah.

831. - Nice. - Fucking gone, dude.

832. He just disappeared.

833. - Fucking weird. - How do you know these guys, man?

834. 'Cause I was in a cover band, and goddamn,

835. we used to fucking... (trilling)

836. - Ow! Rock this shit. - Fuck, I don't blame you, man.

837. Th-This is good shit.

838. You ever think about getting out of here?

839. Out there is the real world.

840. In here is the fake world.

841. All right?

842. Out there is beautiful.

843. Things really happen. The seasons change.

844. Babies are born.

845. Old men wither away and die in the fucking sands of time.

846. Eloquently put, Flicker.

847. The choice is yours.

848. Sell me no more, man.

849. - Let's blow this fucking joint. - Yeah.

850. - (typewriting jingling) - Oh, shit!

851. - You broke the window! - (alarm ringing)

852. Yes, you! You broke every— Now we're gone!

853. Man, zoom overdrive! Fucking pump this shit, bro! Go!

854. - Look at that! - Fuck you!

855. - (laughs) - (whoops)

856. Yeah, baby, let's go!

857. - Hey! - Fucking freedom!

858. Like, can you feel it, brother?

859. Love is in the air.

860. See, things happen in the real world.

861. - Yeah, man. - Look, we're at a wedding,

862. - and, like, oh, my God. - Uh-huh.

863. - Look at that boat. - Oh, I got your 20.

864. There you go. Perfect.

865. - Oh, beautiful couple. - Okay, one more.

866. - Congratulations! - (woman gasps)

867. Oh, my God!

868. - Get, get, get, get, get... Get back here, asshole!

869. Uh, have a great honeymoon!

870. You do look fucking fine.

871. Shit. She is fucking hot.

872. 'Cause we're free, man. You drove that golf cart

873. with the wings of God behind you.

874. Let's get up to a little fucking devil's business

875. - before we get saved, huh? - Ooh.

876. - You know the best part about the devil? -Huh?

877. Fucking he finds the fun, and then we take Jesus

878. and we just ride him all the way to the top.

879. 'Cause the best part is we can do whatever the fuck we want.

880. Jesus already paid for all our sins.

881. - Hey, Moondog. - As many as I give...

882. Hey, fuck you, pal.

883. - (laughs) - Moondog!

884. Hey, do that flick thing you do.

885. - (whooshing) - Wah...

886. Boom!

887. (grunts) Yeah, do it again, do it again.

888. - (whooshing) - Wah...

889. - (shouts) - Fuck!

890. Dude, you know what we need?

891. What? What do we need?

892. We need money, man.

893. Fucking money.

894. Goddamn it, you're a fucking genius.

895. I know where we can get some money.

896. - Where? - Just follow me, my friend.

897. Cool.

898. Yo, Moondog, Moondog.

899. Just hold this, hold this.

900. Okay, watch.

901. Watch this. Hiya!

902. - (shouts) - (screeching)

903. All right. I'm so sorry, man.

904. You're gonna be fine. We just need this money.

905. Don't have to take part of this derelict behavior, man.

906. Derelict behavior? What are you talking about?

907. - Come on, come on, come on. - Hey, Christ already paid

908. - for all our fucking sins, man. - Come on, man.

909. - Come on, let's go. - Boom!

910. - (laughs) Wait, hold on. - Oh...

911. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Fuck.

912. No, that was for him when he wakes up, dude.

913. - Fuck that. This ain't church, man. Oh, what the fuck?

914. Oh, fucking A, man. You know the best part

915. - about God, man? Hey, assholes!

916. Christ was even a sinner, so we clean, man!

917. That's my money! - We're good to go!

918. - (rooster clucking) - (women moaning)

919. Yeah! - (humming a tune)

920. Oh, my God, you are so beautiful.

921. Love you.

922. (deep voice): Love you.

923. Mm.

924. "0 setting sun,

925. "though the time has come, I warble under you

926. "while no one else does.

927. Unmitigated adoration."

928. Hey, that was fucking beautiful.

929. Mm.

930. I know, right? There she is, shining on you, man.

931. - I'm out of here, Flick. - No, I mean you.

932. - I mean you. - We're all the same.

933. Give me a hug, man.

934. - I'm out of here. - Yeah, you leaving?

935. - Setting sail, brother. - Yeah, I know.

936. Hey, that was the most fun I had in along time.

937. - Mm. Fuck yeah. - For real, though.

938. For real, though. You got God on your shoulder.

939. No, man.

940. Ain't that far down if we don't look, right?

941. - Hey, just promise me one thing. - Mm-hmm.

942. Remember me.

943. Every time you think of my face, you remember this.

944. This shines bright.

945. Fucking real bright.

946. - You got it, tiger. - Go spread that light.

947. Shine big, brother.

948. Hey. Asshole.

949. Go ahead.

950. Guess who's back.

951. . Hey. - (laughs)

952. - Place is good, man. - What's up, man?

953. - Oh, it's pretty lunar these days, man. - Good to see you.

954. Got to tell you, Moondog, business is so good,

955. - I bought a second boat. - Yeah?

956. Yeah. Named it Success.

957. I just take tours to the outer key.

958. When they see a dolphin, I act all fucking stoked, right?

959. "Oh, it's a dolphin!

960. "- Look at the baby dolphin! Look!" -(laughs)

961. Tell them to dive in. Make sure they don't drown.

962. Only had four deaths on my watch.

963. Only four?

964. Four deaths in over eight straight years

965. of dolphin touring is a terrific record.

966. Now, I've been stripped of my license temporarily

967. on five separate occasions,

968. but each time, I get it reinstated due to a technicality

969. - I never quite understood. - (laughs)

970. It's beyond luck or karma, man. I'm blessed up, bro.

971. - Meant to be. - Yeah.

972. I'm cemented in this industry.

973. They fucks with ole Captain Wack around these parts.

974. (inhales sharply) Don't fuck with Captain Wack.

975. You will get whacked fucking with Captain Wack.

976. - (laughs) - What-what is this?

977. Dolphins, man. I love some fucking dolphins, man.

978. The sounds that come out of their mouths.

979. - They trying to communicate with you. - Mm-hmm.

980. All you got to do is talk back to 'em.

981. I fell in love with dolphins

982. ever since I saw the, uh, show Flipper.

983. Blew me away. (imitates dolphin)

984. How they make that noise.

985. I'm telling you, I wouldn't be able to live like this

986. if I wasn't fucking doing dolphin tours, man.

987. I wouldn't have all this.

988. This is all from dolphin tours.

989. Oh, oh, I got something.

990. - Get your ass. Goddamn. - Oh!

991. Oh, we gonna fry this motherfucker up.

992. Yes.

993. Make sure to get your taste buds ready.

994. Yeah, this is almost done.

995. Look here, Moondog, you come work for me, man.

996. It'll be great.

997. Dolphins are great.

998. Way they go up and down in the water like a porpoise.

999. You'll love that shit, man.

1000. - That sounds cool, Wack. - Yeah.

1001. I'm in, man.

1002. - Aah! - What the fuck!

1003. - Fucking... - Man, that shit's loaded.

1004. - No shit. -Man, you could've killed a dolphin, Moondog.

1005. - (laughing) -You want to shoot something, shoot this shit here.

1006. This is what I used in 'Nam.

1007. - Shit, man. Cocaine.

1008. Now I got to feed my coke-addicted parrot.

1009. - Yeah, yeah, set him up. Cocaine.

1010. Give him some of this shit right here.

1011. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, there you go.

1012. She gonna get high as shit.

1013. (squawks) Coca. - But seriously, Moondog,

1014. I could use a partner.

1015. And I got a good sense about you, man.

1016. - Like I say, I'm in, man. - Yeah, man.

1017. Yeah. We'll become millionaires together, man.

1018. - Ah, shit, man, let's do it. - Look at...

1019. look how far I've come so far.

1020. - I like your style, Wack. - (laughs)

1021. - Look at that, look at that. - Look at that.

1022. - See the juices dripping off that? - Oh, yeah.

1023. - Oh, man, that's gonna be good. - That's gonna be real good, man.

1024. I like your swagger, Captain.

1025. Thanks, Moondog.

1026. Got nicked in 'Nam.

1027. - Makes me walk like a pimp. - Mm.

1028. Some shrapnel partially shredded my nut sack,

1029. but everything still works. Still banging.

1030. - Yeah, you are. (laughs) - Ba-ba-ba-ba.

1031. Well, usually, when people call

1032. and say they're coming for the dolphin tour,

1033. - they come and they pay cash. - Yeah. Right. Right.

1034. - My bread and butter, baby. My bread and butter. -Yeah...

1035. - So you can tell in the tone of their voice, man... -Right.

1036. - ... if they're, like, serious or not. - Exactly.

1037. If they really love the dolphins

1038. and if they really want to see the dolphin.

1039. - You hear it in their voice. - Right.

1040. - You see? - Mm-hmm.

1041. That's right.

1042. - Come on over. - (indistinct chatter)

1043. Yes! Hi!

1044. Welcome. Lots of dolphins for you today. Yes.

1045. Act real stoked. Act real stoked.

1046. - Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey. - Hey, hey, hey!

1047. Ahoy there, matey.

1048. - Welcome aboard. - Welcome.

1049. - What's your name, little lady? - Lefty Lipschitz.

1050. - I knew it. Hello, Ms. Lipschitz. -Hi.

1051. - Hunter. Mike. - Mike. Hello. Yes.

1052. Dr. Lipschitz. Call me Ted.

1053. - All the Schitzes. One, two, three.

1054. Listen up, everybody.

1055. All right, we're in the middle of mating season.

1056. If you see some humping, don't look away.

1057. It's cool-looking.

1058. It's nature in all its glory. Dolphins love to bone.

1059. - Oh, my God. Hey, you listen up, kids. Huh?

1060. Greatest dolphin guy in the history of dolphin guys

1061. is sharing wisdom with you.

1062. - Thanks, Moondog. - That's a fact.

1063. Now, what he failed to mention is that these dolphins

1064. got what's called a-a corkscrew pecker.

1065. All right?

1066. A little, whippy, windy, wranky kind of thing.

1067. It's true, kids. It's sort of like a corkscrew.

1068. So keep a lookout.

1069. And it's orgy season,

1070. so hopefully we'll get to see something,

1071. - some real wild stuff. - Everybody's fucking.

1072. They're really horny this time of season.

1073. So watch your back, Carnello.

1074. Some of them prefer redheads.

1075. - Is this thing safe? - Very safe.

1076. I wouldn't have you on here if it wasn't safe.

1077. Family, I just got to tell you, I love dolphins so much.

1078. After the day, you're gonna love dolphins

1079. as much as I love dolphins.

1080. They don't hurt you. They just want to love you.

1081. Dolphins know this man.

1082. They come from all over the world to come see Captain Wack.

1083. And they're coming to see me today.

1084. And you guys get to be on his boat today.

1085. All right, all right, all right.

1086. I see a few out there.

1087. We in business. Who wants to dive in?

1088. - No, we're good. - No, we're good, we're good.

1089. It's prime mating season. Seaweed is an aphrodisiac.

1090. - Wonderful. -I think they're getting cold feet, Wack.

1091. - All right, last chance. Any takers? -It's all yours.

1092. Y'all a bunch of pussies.

1093. Show them how it's done, Captain.

1094. We're just here for a little tour.

1095. Dolphins, here I come, baby.

1096. (grunts) Yeah.

1097. Get in! This water is beautiful.

1098. Look at the dolphin.

1099. Honey, look at the dolphin. Isn't that cute?

1100. Lots of dolphins, motherfuckers!

1101. - Does that look right? Get in!

1102. - The water's perfect. - All good, Wack?

1103. - You good? - It's great!

1104. Dolphins, here I come!

1105. Honey, honey, honey.

1106. That doesn't look like a dolphin fin.

1107. Captain, that kind... that kind of looks like a shark fin.

1108. This must be all part of the show.

1109. I'm having a great time! It's perfect!

1110. - Mr. Wack, come back! - Mr. Wack? Mr. Wack!

1111. - (laughs) Come back, Mr. Wack.

1112. - What the... what the fuck? - Come back!

1113. Help! Aah!

1114. Motherfucker, Captain.

1115. You put on a fucking show, man.

1116. This ain't no motherfucking show!

1117. Aah!

1118. Whoa! That's cool-looking.

1119. When's the last time he clipped his toenails?

1120. - Seriously, that's gnarly, man. - (Captain Wack groaning)

1121. Oh, shit! Holy shit!

1122. - Oh, Lord! -It's just a flesh wound. Don't worry.

1123. That dolphin got teeth!

1124. Oh, shit! Where's my foot?

1125. Okay, just hold my hand.

1126. Fuck, Wack. He got you pretty good, man.

1127. Oh, man. Couldn't have been a fucking dolphin.

1128. Can't believe this shit, man.

1129. I'm-I'm-I'm pretty sure it wasn't a dolphin that bit you,

1130. 'cause look at your foot.

1131. Listen, you're gonna be all right.

1132. You're gonna be just fine.

1133. I mean, it's just a little flesh wound.

1134. You're gonna be up dancing in no time.

1135. You going somewhere, motherfucker?

1136. Yeah. I am.

1137. Trade you, though.

1138. Foot for the hat? Huh?

1139. - Come on. Huh? There we go. - (laughs)

1140. - Hey, man. - It's been real, Moondog.

1141. Ah, it's been more than that.

1142. It's been wack, Captain Wack.

1143. - (laughs) - Uh-huh.

1144. See you down the road.

1145. Look at what the Moondog just sniffed out.

1146. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Linger'.

1147. Hey, Jimmy. I'm back.

1148. - Moondog? - Yeah, I'm back.

1149. Where the fuck you been, man? -Jesus.

1150. You look like shit.

1151. No, man, I look like I always look, man.

1152. We about to set sail. Come fuck with us.

1153. There we go.

1154. I think we need to look at a positive ID. on him.

1155. Make sure the motherfucker washes his feet.

1156. Take your shoes off, Dog,

1157. when you get on the fucking boat.

1158. Glad I came up on y'all, man.

1159. You did, man, but it look like

1160. you in some serious shit, though, Dog.

1161. - Yeah. - Jimmy, tell him.

1162. You in serious shit, man.

1163. - How you figure it's serious? - Motherfucker. I mean,

1164. I heard from some guys down, you know,

1165. in the U.S.-- law people, Keys people.

1166. - Word's out down there. - Word on the streets

1167. that you did escape and then the pigs is on your ass now.

1168. Both are true.

1169. - Def. - That's not serious.

1170. That sounds pretty cool, the way you put it.

1171. Yeah, sounds like a wanted man, the way I put it.

1172. - Yeah. - Trying to find the dog.

1173. - Yeah. - (laughs)

1174. Sit, boo-boo, sit, sit! Sit, boo-boo, sit!

1175. - (continues barking) - (indistinct chatter, laughter)

1176. Yeah!

1177. I got something I got to

1178. get off my chest with you, man.

1179. I don't even really know how to say it.

1180. I'm just gonna come clean.

1181. I was having an affair with Minnie, man.

1182. Several years, behind your back.

1183. I'm talking about really sexually wild

1184. experiences with your wife, man.

1185. Yeah, I figured as much.

1186. But I do know she didn't love me.

1187. She loved my sex, but she didn't love me.

1188. I was the R-and-B singer with the big ding-a-ling.

1189. I was just a diversion until you came back, you dig?

1190. But she honestly loved you. I know that for a fact.

1191. She did, didn't she?

1192. She loved the fuck out of you, Moondog.

1193. And I loved her, man. Still do.

1194. - So sexual. - Hypersexual.

1195. - Oh, man. - Oh, man...

1196. The moves that she'd do in the bedroom.

1197. She had these tiny hands.

1198. And what I loved about her tiny hands,

1199. they made my cock look so big.

1200. Oh, wow, you should have seen

1201. what mine looked like in her hands.

1202. The way she went down, I mean, I could just see her right now.

1203. - And then you make eye contact... - Yeah, yeah, yeah...

1204. I hear you, I hear you. Th-That's enough, that's enough.

1205. I hear you.

1206. I had a crazy-ass dream to help you get out

1207. that motherfuckin' thing that you in.

1208. I had a dream you was dressed like a woman to help you escape.

1209. - A woman? - Yeah.

1210. I had the same dream. I had this guy,

1211. a buddy in Vietnam, dressed up like a geisha.

1212. Walked out of the war.

1213. - Get in touch with your... His femininity.

1214. - Yeah, femininity. - Tap into it, man.

1215. It may not be a bad look after all, you understand me?

1216. I could see you with a dress on.

1217. Moondoggy-doggy might get used to it.

1218. Yeah. The Dog in a dress and some high heels.

1219. - And let him strut the runway. - (laughter)

1220. It's a ridiculous idea. It's...

1221. It's kind of fuckin' freaky ingenious, guys.

1222. I think I already got the underwear right.

1223. And if I got my walk right,

1224. this would be too easy.

1225. Oh, look at this!

1226. Go ahead and give 'em the whole moon there, Moondog.

1227. - You hear me? - I hear you.

1228. Hey, you actually look good, Dog.

1229. I mean, it's kind of fuckin' freaky, right?

1230. I mean, it's supposed to look freaky.

1231. Right now, you a freaky little bitch.

1232. That's what's gonna throw the police off, you dig?

1233. - Moondog. - (chuckles)

1234. Ain't nobody gonna fuckin' recognize you

1235. in that shit right there, especially the fuckin' pigs.

1236. You fuckin' look amazing right now, Dog.

1237. You know what the challenge of this situation's gonna be?

1238. Yes, ma'am?

1239. Dudes are gonna want my shit.

1240. Motherfuckin' Moondog!

1241. We schleppin' through the city unseen.

1242. What a disguise. A perfect disguise, baby.

1243. Any of your bitches gonna get hot on you

1244. they see you riding around with a hot blonde like me?

1245. They gonna like the fact. This is that interracial shit.

1246. Like Jim Brown with Raquel Welch.

1247. You know what I'm talking about?

1248. I love it when a plan comes together.

1249. Anything for a friend.

1250. - Yes. Yes! - This is what...

1251. - I'm lookin' at heaven. - Yes!

1252. Heaven looks like, Linger'.

1253. Think of it like this, Dog.

1254. I'm gonna give you so much of this,

1255. you gonna be able to write you a couple of novels

1256. or that poetry shit.

1257. - Ah, poetry. - Yeah, I'm talkin' 'bout poems

1258. - out your motherfuckin' asshole. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

1259. This... this is the safecracker right here.

1260. To crack the safe to writing that thing,

1261. and getting that money.

1262. 'Cause this is the key to unlocking

1263. all of those juices in that head of yours.

1264. Trust me.

1265. - The cops, they here. Say what?

1266. The pigs is here right now?

1267. Fuck! I must have been high as a motherfucker

1268. when I hatched that plan.

1269. Gas up the seaplane.

1270. Go get my shit out the magical room.

1271. Somebody scrape up Moondog.

1272. It's time to go. Let's load this shit up.

1273. Let's get rolling. Stop dillydallying.

1274. The cops is coming.

1275. Load up the motherfuckin' Rasta van.

1276. I'm bringing y'all for the music.

1277. We on the run, like we used to be back in the days.

1278. Let's get the fuck out of here.

1279. Hurry, mon, hurry. Put it in now. Move, move!

1280. Lingerie, close the fuckin' door. It's time to go.

1281. You know I got the motherfuckin' master plan.

1282. My Rasta, he gonna fly you to the Keys on my seaplane.

1283. Time to get me down to Key West, baby.

1284. Cops ain't never gonna catch the Moondog.

1285. Moondog, come on, hurry up.

1286. Get this shit on the plane, fast like.

1287. I hope we got enough weed for this.

1288. Let's go, man. Yeah.

1289. (chuckles) Shit.

1290. This is gonna be fun.

1291. Didn't know it'd be this easy.

1292. Hey, uh... is he a good pilot?

1293. Not at all.

1294. - Not at all? - No, man.

1295. He got glaucoma in both his eyes.

1296. But when he's zooted off of that shit,

1297. he'll get you where you need to be.

1298. But, Dog, you gonna need some cash for the splash.

1299. Ah, that's gonna cush the landing.

1300. - Yes, sir. - Well, what can I say, Linge'?

1301. We shall meet again on some distant shore, my friend.

1302. Yeah.

1303. The sun, the rain and the motherfuckin' moon.

1304. You make us proud down there, you hear me?

1305. Time for liftoff, Linge'. Time for liftoff.

1306. Be good, or be good at it.

1307. - Yeah. - When I smoke enough weed

1308. and drink the 'shroom tea,

1309. a few lines of dainty white Bogoté coca...

1310. - Yeah... - Shit, man!

1311. - Woof! Woof! - Woof!

1312. Man, I get insane vision,

1313. and the vision guide like a spirit

1314. in a direct line to our final destination.

1315. - Destination, yeah. - Safe and sound.

1316. - I don't fuck around. - Ah, you know what,

1317. it doesn't even matter what you said.

1318. It just sounds so fuckin' good how you say it.

1319. You know, I'm 98% blind.

1320. That's perfect.

1321. They don't even know, man. (chuckles)

1322. Moondog, what you got?

1323. Riding through the slipstream

1324. with a whole lot of green.

1325. Gimme some of that, bro! - (laughing)

1326. Moondog, I love you! - Hey. Yeah.

1327. Love you, too.

1328. - (laughter) What's up, Moondog?

1329. - Ooh... Ooh... - (laughter)

1330. Yeah, man!

1331. - (laughter) Hey, Moondog.

1332. - Honey, I'm home. - Oh, Moondog!

1333. Mm...

1334. All right, that's enough!

1335. This is my Cuban maid.

1336. Ooh, I think I need some of that.

1337. Let's get the party started.

1338. - All right. - Salud.

1339. All right!

1340. Hey, Moondog!

1341. Thank you for meeting with me today.

1342. Yeah, my pleasure. I-I don't remember

1343. the last time I did one of these.

1344. Got an interesting life.

1345. How'd you pull it off? How'd you do it?

1346. I only pull it off how I do it. (laughs)

1347. I mean, look, I could tell you that I've...

1348. been trying to uncover the abyss

1349. beneath my illusory connection with the world.

1350. I could tell you that it's all written in the stars.

1351. I could tell you that I'm a reverse paranoiac.

1352. I'm quite certain that the world

1353. is conspiring to make me happy.

1354. All three of which are true, but...

1355. it's really a little simpler than that.

1356. I like to have fun, man.

1357. Fun's the fucking gun, man.

1358. Also, I like boats.

1359. I like the water. I like the sunshine.

1360. I like beautiful women a lot.

1361. And then I get all these things going, man.

1362. They're all turning me on.

1363. My wires are connecting upstairs,

1364. and I start to hear music in my head.

1365. You know? And the world's reverberating

1366. back and forth, and I hit the frequency,

1367. and I start to dance to it, and my fingers get moving,

1368. my head's getting soupy,

1369. I'm spinning all over the fucking place,

1370. and the fucking words come out.

1371. It's like it's a fucking gift.

1372. What makes you, Moondog,

1373. different than all these other people?

1374. Seriously?

1375. You mean the ones up north on the mainland?

1376. The ones racing to their red light,

1377. the ones stuck in their ways, a little bit too busy

1378. to check inside and say howdy, howdy, do?

1379. That shit's not for me, man. I mean, fuck, man.

1380. So many people trip themselves when they're running downhill.

1381. Life's hard enough. Why would you fucking want to do that?

1382. I mean, fuck, we're here to have a good time.

1383. I just want to have a good time

1384. until this shit's over, man.

1385. This life gig's a fucking rodeo.

1386. I'm gonna suck the nectar out of it and fuck it raw-dog

1387. till the wheels come off. Mmm.

1388. - Let me ask you something. - Come on.

1389. - Off the record. - Come on.

1390. What's up with the women's clothes?

1391. - What women's clothes? Motherfucker,

1392. my phone was dead.

1393. I held a funeral for that motherfucker.

1394. I had people giving speeches in remembrance

1395. of the time when my phone was alive.

1396. But it is back to life.

1397. It has resurrected,

1398. and the phone-a is a-ringing off of the hook-a.

1399. - (laughs) -Calling you motherfucking van Gogh

1400. with words, baby.

1401. They calling you Walt Disney. They want to freeze

1402. your motherfucking brain when you die.

1403. They say your new book is a masterpiece, Moondog.

1404. But you was acting like a little fuck-boy for a minute.

1405. And I had to admit...

1406. true genius takes true guidance, takes true pushing.

1407. - Let me tell you something. - (laughs)

1408. - Please, tell me something. - Moondog.

1409. Tell me something.

1410. You up for a motherfucking Pulitzer.

1411. My book's up for a Pulitzer?

1412. - Pulitzer. - Ah!

1413. (laughs) Minnie-boo, you hear this?

1414. (smooches) Thank you.

1415. And now the prize for outstanding poetry.

1416. It is with great honor that I introduce to you

1417. - Mr. Moondog. - (applause)

1418. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

1419. I had a lot in my life,

1420. but I always had this feeling like,

1421. when I left...

1422. no one gonna remember me.

1423. But knowing you,

1424. being a part of what you did...

1425. maybe that means something now.

1426. I want to thank you.

1427. You know what I liked the most about being rich?

1428. Mm?

1429. You can just...

1430. be horrible to people, and they just have to take it.

1431. This next poem is, uh,

1432. one I wrote at 3:00 a.m.,

1433. coming down off of a two-day acid trip in the Virgin Islands.

1434. It's called "The Beautiful Poem."

1435. "I go to bed in Havana

1436. "thinking about you.

1437. "Pissing a few moments ago, I...

1438. "I looked down at my penis

1439. "with affection.

1440. "Knowing it has been inside you

1441. "twice today...

1442. makes me feel beautiful."

1443. Go, Moondog! Moondog!

1444. Ah...

1445. I have to admit I didn't think you could do it, Dad.

1446. No?

1447. But you managed to pull it off somehow.

1448. - (Heather chuckles) Sweetie,

1449. told you don't ever bet against the Moondog.

1450. I'm just so happy you finally dumped Limp-Dick.

1451. Oh. I know.

1452. He sucked. Right?

1453. Yeah.

1454. You unlocked a fortune.

1455. The money is yours.

1456. (over phone): Your complete inheritance is all yours.

1457. Congratulations.

1458. Exactly. Perfect. Listen. I want it all in cash, man.

1459. What was that?

1460. - Cash, man. C-A-S-H, cash. - (cat meows)

1461. All greenbacks. I don't want you to put a penny

1462. of that stuff in the bank.

1463. You know, I don't trust those Illuminati

1464. - motherfuckers. - (can popping open)

1465. Now, here's what you're gonna do.

1466. I want you to buy me a sailboat.

1467. All right? Like, a 150-, ZOO-footer,

1468. something really nice, preferably vintage,

1469. and I want you to name that boat Success,

1470. after my old friend Captain Wack,

1471. and then you're gonna put the rest of the cash

1472. stacked in that sailboat,

1473. and I want you

1474. to sail it down here to me.

1475. That's over $50 million

1476. in cash, Moondog.

1477. All right, don't fuck it up.

1478. - (kissing noises) - (cat meowing) -(laughing)

1479. She's gonna want to marry me now that I'm rich, right, huh?

1480. That's right.

1481. What do you think about that, huh?

1482. Cash in a boat.

1483. We could do whatever we want or nothing at all.

1484. - Yeah, man. - There she is.

1485. That's beautiful.

1486. She's awesome, man. Awesome boat.

1487. Got great shapes in the cargo. There's $46 million on board.

1488. - (laughing) - Man...

1489. we're gonna buy ourselves so much weed.

1490. Mmm.

1491. - What do you think about that? - (meows)

1492. You know what I want to do?

1493. I want to have a big fucking firework show, man,

1494. invite all my friends from the Keys.

1495. None of that sparkler bullshit

1496. that impresses lesbians, pregnant women and babies.

1497. No, no, no, let's-let's Valhalla

1498. this motherfucker, you know what I mean?

1499. Raise the dead.

1500. - Make it awesome for Minnie. - Boom.

1501. Work it, Moondog.

1502. - Mooney, money. Money! - (laughing)

1503. All right, Federales, this is where you get off.

1504. One for you.

1505. Gracias, señor.

1506. - One for you. - Thank you.

1507. - (meows) - (whoops)

1508. That's great poetry.

1509. Oh! Holy shitfire.

1510. That was so much fun.

1511. Holy shit, huh?

1512. That was a close one, wasn't it?

1513. Hey, yo, yo, yo!

1514. - (barking) - (explosion)

1515. Oh, what a fucking blast.