The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994)

1. I want more!

2. Oh, God.

3. Are you okay?

4. That was fucking charming, you gutless pack of dickheads.

5. - Fuck off, you talent-less dog! - What was that?

6. - Show us your pink bits. - No, I don't think I will.

7. Now, do you know why this microphone has such a long cord?

8. Why?

9. So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your ass.

10. Christ Almighty!

11. What the fuck's going on out there tonight?

12. Are you hurt?

13. All right, which one of you bitches sat on my dress?

14. Tick, darling, it's for you.

15. - Hello. - Ding-dong.

16. Avon calling. Howdy, sunshine.

17. Long time no hear.

18. - Where? - Emergency Ward A.

19. Mr. Belrose?

20. Yes?

21. So how about it?

22. Yeah.

23. Bernadette? It's Tick. Sorry to call you so late, but...

24. Hey, are you okay?

25. - No, I'm not. - Well, what's the matter?

26. Trumpet just died.

27. "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.

28. "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

29. "He leadeth me beside the still waters.

30. "He restoreth my soul.

31. "He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

32. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

33. "I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.

34. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

35. "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.

36. "Thou anointest my head with oil.

37. "My cup runneth over.

38. "Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

39. "and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

40. It's not fair.

41. I've spent half my life and all my savings

42. trying to snag a sympathetic husband.

43. Selfish little shit goes and dies on me.

44. Twenty-five years old, and he goes and slips over in a bathroom.

45. He didn't slip.

46. He was peroxiding his hair at home again and he asphyxiated on the fumes.

47. I've gotta get some space.

48. I've been asked to do a show out of town.

49. - That's nice. - Why don't you come with me?

50. I'll need some help, and I think we can both use the break.

51. You're not wrong. Where is it?

52. Alice Springs.

53. You've got to be fucking joking!

54. Wo-Man is a unique range of...

55. specialty facial products designed for the more...

56. heavy-duty woman in us all.

57. Now, this week...

58. Excuse me.

59. Hello.

60. How long is the run?

61. Four weeks. Equity minimum, two shows a night,

62. accommodation included.

63. I can't just sit around here crying all the time.

64. Jesus! My mascara keeps running. I look like a raccoon.

65. Good girl. That's the spirit.

66. Here's hoping the desert's big enough for the two of us.

67. Three of us.

68. - Why? - Why not?

69. Look, he's turned into a bloody good little performer.

70. That's right.

71. A bloody good little performer, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

72. I thought we were getting away from all this shit.

73. Two's company, three's a party, Bernadette, my sweet.

74. We're unplugging our curling wands and going bush for this show.

75. Why would you possibly want to leave all this glamour

76. for a hike into the middle of nowhere?

77. - Do you really want to know? - Desperately.

78. Well, ever since I was a lad, I've had this dream,

79. a dream that I now finally have a chance to fulfill.

80. And that is?

81. To travel to the center of Australia, climb Kings Canyon as a queen

82. in a full-length Gaultier sequin, heels, and a tiara.

83. Great. That's just what this country needs,

84. a cock in a frock on a rock.

85. Get back in your kennels, both of you.

86. The first thing we have to work out

87. is how the hell we're gonna get there.

88. Ta-da!

89. What do you think?

90. When do we have to return it to the school?

91. We don't. We own it.

92. What?

93. Hi, darling, how are you?

94. I met some nice, Swedish tourists called Lars, Lars, and Lars,

95. and I coaxed it out of them for 10,000 bucks.

96. - We can't afford it. - That's right.

97. Mummy, maybe a trip to the Outback would help me get over

98. this little phase I'm going through.

99. And you never know. I might meet some lovely country girl.

100. I hereby christen this budget Barbie camper,

101. Priscilla, queen of the desert.

102. Seems to be the understatement of the century.

103. Mum.

104. Ladies and gentlemen,

105. we're here today to see off a very brave woman

106. who will attempt to cross a continent alone.

107. On behalf of all our sponsors...

108. Ladies, start your engines.

109. Oh, please! Oh, give me a break!

110. How long have we been on the road?

111. Four and a half hours.

112. I've got a splitting headache already.

113. Happy hour!

114. Mother's Ruin pour moi.

115. - Long Island Tea. - And a Stoli and tonic for me.

116. - Stupid cow! - Yeah, well, listen to this one.

117. After we did the ABBA show,

118. Kevin had one of those liposuction penis enlargements.

119. - He didn't? - Yep.

120. Do you know what they do?

121. They siphon all the fat out of your love handles

122. and actually inject it into your wing-wang.

123. Yucky!

124. I suppose it gives a whole new meaning to cracking a fat, though, doesn't it?

125. Oh, listen to yourselves.

126. You sound like two fat slags at a pie bake-off.

127. Your contribution to the conversation hasn't exactly made headlines, Bernice.

128. Gee, poor Kevin's dick.

129. There can't be much room down there

130. with his brain taking up so much space already.

131. No, I'll join this conversation on the proviso

132. that we stop bitching about people,

133. talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes,

134. penises, drugs, nightclubs, and bloody ABBA.

135. Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?

136. Hey, can you confirm a rumor for me? Is it true that her real name's Ralph?

137. How do you like your little boys, girls?

138. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to.

139. Oh, my God.

140. What is this, Outback with Benny Hill?

141. Just leave mine outside the door at about 8:00 a.m.,

142. along with an orange juice and toast, please.

143. Oh, why, certainly, madam.

144. And would you like Vegemite or jam with that?

145. Knock, knock, room service.

146. Can't you read the sign? Do Not Disturb.

147. - Please come back in the morning. - Ha ha, girls! Open the door.

148. Good night, Bernice.

149. Good night, Mitzi.

150. Open the fucking door!

151. Okay, if you don't open the door, I'm gonna sing.

152. Fine. You asked for it.

153. Good night, John Boy.

154. I'm seriously falling asleep.

155. It's your shift, and you're gonna stick to it.

156. Serves you right for staying out all night, slut.

157. I'm not gonna make it.

158. Fuck off, Grandma.

159. You all right?

160. Me? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just thinking.

161. Sorry. Shit!

162. What is it?

163. Perhaps we should've flown.

164. Wrong, but thanks for playing. Anyone else?

165. - No. - Witchetty grub. Your turn.

166. I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R".

167. - Rectum. - No.

168. - Ring pirate? - No.

169. Road.

170. All right, that's it. What's the matter with you?

171. - Nothing, darling. - Don't "darling" me, darling.

172. Look at you. You got a face like a cat's ass.

173. Now, come on, 'fess up.

174. Just worried about the show, that's all.

175. We haven't done any rehearsals yet.

176. We got two weeks, for Christ's sake. There's plenty of time to rehearse.

177. - Now what is your problem? - It's not a problem.

178. I just want the show to be good, that's all.

179. Gotta be good.

180. How the fuck did you get this job, Mitzi, my darling?

181. I mean, who is the fish that runs

182. this bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere, anyway?

183. - Your mother? - No, my wife.

184. Don't tell me you've got an ex-boyfriend tucked away

185. - out here somewhere. - No, my wife.

186. I'm married.

187. And when the joint bank account ran dry after a couple of years,

188. I guess I preferred her wedding ring to mine, so no drama.

189. We swapped and called it a day.

190. This is getting too weird.

191. You and a woman.

192. I mean, what did she used to do for kicks?

193. Put a bucket on your head and swing off the handle?

194. There are two things I don't like about you, Felicia. Your face.

195. So how about shutting both of them?

196. At least this explains your abysmal batting average, Mitz.

197. I often wondered why your dance card was so empty.

198. I take it you never got a divorce, then?

199. Well, girls, what can I say? Here's to a secret very well-kept.

200. Shame it's not gonna stay that way, isn't it?

201. Got any more little surprises you'd like to share with us?

202. Haven't got any kids stashed away out there as well, have you?

203. Look, I haven't lied about anything.

204. After six years, I get a phone call out of nowhere, screaming for help.

205. Christ knows I owe her a couple of favors.

206. I'm sorry that I never told you.

207. I'm not sorry that you're here.

208. Don't worry about it, dolls.

209. I'm as jealous as all hell.

210. What?

211. So was it a big wedding? Get lots of prezzies, did you?

212. I just wish I was old enough to have been there.

213. Oh, ha-ha.

214. I would've bought you a lovely matching set

215. of hers and hers bathmats or something.

216. - Oh, give it a rest. - Not on your life.

217. Oh, imagine! Mitzi the Magnificent and her blushing bride.

218. Mowing those lawns must've been murder on your heels, though.

219. All right, Felicia, that's enough.

220. Let's put some money in that seething, cesspool mouth of yours.

221. If I win this game, you will never mention my wife

222. ever in my presence again, okay?

223. - And if I win? - Name your price.

224. Well, now, what would I like more than anything else

225. in the whole, wide world?

226. Snap. Better be quick.

227. (I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE

228. What the fuck am I doing?

229. Take that bloody frock off, Felicia. Don't make it any worse than it is.

230. You think I'm gonna let you walk away with all the attention?

231. No chance. Come on, girls. Let's go shopping.

232. Oh, for Christ's sake.

233. I just adore these hats.

234. Come on, come on!

235. You've got to be kidding.

236. Welcome to Mario's Palace. Come in, come in.

237. Come in. What can I do for you? Would you like a room, madam?

238. - Subtle. - Oh, tack-o-rama.

239. Who the hell does all the painting around here?

240. Someone with no arms or right foot, by the look of things.

241. For goodness sakes, get down off that crucifix.

242. Someone needs the wood.

243. What have we here?

244. What fun. Baby bottles of booze.

245. Oh. Gather round, girls. Let me show you a trick.

246. You drink the gin,

247. fill the bottle up with water, and put it back in the fridge.

248. Va t'en vous. What about the Scotch?

249. That's where the complimentary teabags come in handy.

250. - Very clever. - Cheers, girls.

251. And congratulations, Mitzi, darling. You did it.

252. One lap of the Broken Hill main drag in drag.

253. That'll teach you to take on the Fairmont Boys School Snap champion.

254. Here's to being off that fucking bus.

255. - Chookers. - Chookers.

256. So, all dolled up and nowhere to go.

257. I sure as shit am not gonna sit in here all evening.

258. I'm in.

259. Oh, all right. Here's hoping they have a decent cocktail bar.

260. Hello. Could I please have a Stoli and tonic,

261. a Bloody Mary, and a lime daiquiri, please?

262. Well, look what the cat dragged in.

263. What have we got here, eh?

264. A couple of showgirls, have we?

265. Where did you ladies come in from? Uranus?

266. - Could I please have a Stoli... - No! You can't have.

267. You can't have nothing.

268. We've got nothing here for people like you.

269. Nothing!

270. Now listen here, you mullet.

271. Why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart,

272. because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart.

273. Now, what could be more soothing

274. than coming home after a hard day's work down the mine

275. to the Wo-Man in us all?

276. Now, don't send any money, okay?

277. Ooh.

278. Shit!

279. All I can see is female impersonators.

280. This has gotta be a first.

281. Nobody has ever out-drunk old Shirl before.

282. Where'd you learn to throw them back like that?

283. That's our girl, Bernadette.

284. I just knew that stumbling around the pub circuit with Les Girls

285. for 200 years must've taught her something.

286. - You're a bloody marvel, Bernie. - Bernadette, please.

287. - What's that? - My name isn't Bernie.

288. She said her name isn't Bernie.

289. It's Ralph!

290. Come on.

291. - What did you call me? - "What did you call me," what?

292. What did you call me back there in the bar?

293. Sorry, Ralph.

294. You fucking idiot!

295. Fuck!

296. Fuck! Get off me, you fucking...

297. Fuck!

298. Don't worry about a fucking thing. It's only my fucking head.

299. At least the bump on your head's bigger than your prick.

300. Why don't you just get fucked, you stupid old bitch?

301. Oh, piss off, you little faggot.

302. You're so bloody boring...

303. If your mouth was as big as your dick...

304. - Good morning. - Morning.

305. It's funny, you know.

306. No matter how tough I think I'm getting,

307. it still hurts.

308. Hope it still works. Don't have much call for it out here.

309. - Where you blokes from? - Uranus.

310. Oh, good.

311. There. Left.

312. I hope you know what you're doing.

313. If we stick to the sealed road,

314. we'll be at it for at least another two days.

315. Take the shortcut.

316. One more push, I'm gonna smack his face so hard,

317. he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his ass to clean his teeth.

318. Just lay off.

319. I told you not to use the "R" word.

320. - What did you go and do? - I was only having a bit of fun.

321. Fun? What else do you do for amusement, slam your fingers in car doors?

322. What's the point?

323. I like seeing people get hotheaded, okay? It gives me a kick.

324. Is it true when you were born,

325. the doctor turned around and slapped your mother?

326. What sort of bent childhood did you have, Adam Whitely?

327. Adam? Adam?

328. Come in here, boy.

329. Come sit over here.

330. Would you like to have some fun with Uncle Barry?

331. We're gonna play a special game,

332. but you can't tell anybody ever, ever, ever, okay?

333. Now, what I want you to do is put your hand down here

334. and pull very gently, okay?

335. Very gently.

336. That's good. That's good.

337. Jesus Christ, Adam! Get help!

338. Adam, Uncle Barry's ping-pongs are caught in the drain.

339. Get mummy.

340. - Get mummy. - No!

341. What do you mean, no?

342. Never, ever, ever, ever!

343. You know the best part?

344. The best part, mum was out playing golf,

345. and the dirty old fuck was stuck there for about seven hours.

346. Oh, and I thought they were small and wrinkled

347. before they got in the water.

348. Hey, I've got a joke. Who wants to hear a joke?

349. Come on, Bernice, it's so funny.

350. You'll laugh so hard, your lashes will curl all by themselves.

351. - Do tell us your hilarious joke. - Okay.

352. Well, once upon a time, many moons ago,

353. there was a famous bunch of Indians called the Fukawi tribe.

354. And one day, the son of the great Indian chief

355. says to his father,

356. "Dad, why is my friend, Little Hawk, called Little Hawk?"

357. - And his father says... - "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

358. That's not the end of the joke. So, anyway, back to me.

359. - Jesus! - What's happening?

360. I don't know.

361. Oh, my God.

362. Oh, Felicia, where the fuck are we?

363. Shit! Shit! Shit!

364. Oh, shit.

365. Well, I've had a look around,

366. and I think we can safely assume that I now know less about motors

367. than I did when I first lifted up that bonnety thing.

368. Now what?

369. Let's just not think about it for the moment

370. and eat brekkie, shall we?

371. Oh, that's a novel idea. Let's stuff ourselves to death.

372. Imagine the headlines.

373. "Whales beach themselves in the Outback.

374. "Mystery bumsticks dead in drag."

375. Well, there's no point in walking back.

376. The only life I saw for the last million miles

377. were the hypnotized bunnies.

378. Most of them are now wedged in the tires.

379. Well, somebody'll drive past for sure. We'll keep the fire burning.

380. Yes, and toast marshmallows and chill champagne for when they arrive.

381. What if they don't drive past?

382. Look, you're not helping here. Just eat your hormones.

383. Hell! Why didn't we stick to the main road?

384. - What difference does it make now? - You got us into this, Anthony Belrose,

385. and I suggest you start thinking about how to get us back,

386. or I don't fancy your chances of ever trying to be a husband again.

387. Jesus. What are we gonna do?

388. We're gonna start off with a little facelift.

389. Nothing like a new frock to brighten up your day.

390. - Purple? - It's not purple, it's lavender.

391. - What do you think? - It's nice in a hideous sort of a way.

392. Where are you going?

393. If you think I'm going to sit around

394. watching Picasso take on the public transport system,

395. you've got another thing coming.

396. I'll be back with the cavalry in a couple of hours.

397. There goes a transsexual, last seen heading south.

398. We call her Bernie, but her real name was...

399. Adam.

400. Help! Help!

401. - What's that, Pa? - What?

402. Out there, you nong. Looks like a woman.

403. Help!

404. Thank God.

405. Thank you. I can't tell you how grateful I am.

406. You fucking beauty!

407. Shit!

408. Bernie, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you!

409. I wish I could say the same.

410. I was just drawing up the will.

411. Come and meet our saviors.

412. Tony, Adam, this is Mr. and Mrs. Spencer.

413. - Hello. - Hello.

414. Wait! Stop!

415. Shit!

416. Oh, for goodness sakes, look at yourself, Mitz.

417. How many times do I have to tell you green is not your color?

418. Do you think about Trumpet much?

419. - No.

420. Trumpet was just a nice kid who had a thing about transsexuals.

421. Lots of people do.

422. Sort of bent status symbol, you know?

423. "Did you know my girlfriend used to be a boyfriend?"

424. That sort of thing. Always good for a supper invite.

425. Still, it was better than nothing.

426. Nothing. Nothing for miles.

427. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

428. - No more fucking ABBA! - Okay, if we have the time,

429. we may as well put it to good use.

430. Come on, girls. Off your snatches. Rehearsal time.

431. Okay, two bobs to start with, all right?

432. Boring.

433. Ready?

434. - I did this years ago. - You did it so beautifully,

435. and, darling, you do it so well.

436. Come on. Right, from the top.

437. One, two.

438. Hello.

439. Nice night for it.

440. I think we just crashed a party.

441. No, come on. You'll be all right.

442. Welcome to my office. Have a seat.

443. Bernice, I don't know what could've possibly possessed you

444. - to wear that to a corroboree. - Shut your face.

445. Bravo!

446. Fabulous!

447. Well, girls, I guess it's our turn.

448. Hey, take a look at that.

449. I've got an idea.

450. So you actually make money by dressing up like a woman?

451. Oh, sure. You can make a fine living in a pair of heels.

452. Why, Alan, you want a job?

453. Oh, if only this dress could talk.

454. You know, sometimes I wonder where I get my taste from.

455. Definitely not my mother.

456. Oh, well, serves me right for letting her buy me all those awful clothes.

457. What's this?

458. That, my darling, is my most treasured possession in the whole, wide world.

459. But what is it?

460. Well, a few years ago,

461. I went on a pilgrimage backstage to an ABBA concert

462. hoping to grab an audience with Her Royal Highness Agnetha.

463. Well, when I saw her ducking into the ladies loo,

464. naturally I followed her in.

465. And after she'd finished her business, I ducked into the cubicle,

466. only to find she'd left me a little gift sitting in the toilet bowl.

467. What are you telling me? This is an ABBA turd?

468. I know what we can do with this.

469. - Are you right? - Hang on.

470. Okay, go!

471. There!

472. Afternoon. What seems to be the problem?

473. What a nice dog. What's its name?

474. Herpes.

475. If she's good, she'll heel.

476. Things get pretty quiet around here. We're a bit starved for entertainment.

477. Glad we could oblige. How does it look?

478. Your gas tank's chockablock full of crud.

479. Traveling on a rough road on a low tank chucked it all up into the motor.

480. Your fuel line's blocked, injectors are stuffed.

481. - So does that mean you can fix it? - In the short term.

482. What you blokes need is a new gas tank.

483. Don't suppose you have one lying around?

484. No, sorry.

485. You could pick one up in Coober Pedy in about a week.

486. When do you have to be in Alice?

487. Six days.

488. Well, we can clear it out and hope for the best.

489. You might make it. Won't know unless you give it a try.

490. Refreshments!

491. Lemonade, here I make.

492. That's very nice, darling. Please, go back inside.

493. Lemonade, here I make. Lemonade for guests.

494. No, darling, please.

495. I made chocolate cracker.

496. Thank you.

497. - We put cream on? - No, no.

498. It's a face cream. For face.

499. Bob, Cynthia, thank you.

500. I love lamb with meringue.

501. Thank you for the company.

502. Like I said earlier, new faces are pretty hard to come by out here.

503. If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing off the highway?

504. Well, now, that's a bloody good question.

505. Glad you bothered. Don't get your type out here very often.

506. - Me like to sing, too. Me like... - Yeah, pretty damn quiet.

507. Thought of opening a video business for a while.

508. But I suppose we gotta wait to get television first.

509. Me perform for you. Me dance, too.

510. My wife used to be in the entertainment business.

511. - Yeah. You perform here? - You're thinking of performing here?

512. I mean, you've got to be here at least another night.

513. Um... the thought hadn't really crossed my mind.

514. Well, why not? I could have a word with Wally at the pub.

515. Everybody would love it.

516. I'm not sure our show would go down too well out here.

517. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of cabaret do you do?

518. We dress up in women's clothes and parade around

519. mouthing the words to other people's songs.

520. You mean sort of like those... What do they call them...

521. Les Girls.

522. Oh, yeah, I've seen them,

523. way back in Sydney when I was a young bloke.

524. - Fantastic. Just terrific. - Bob, you are looking

525. at probably the most famous Le Girl

526. ever produced.

527. - You're kidding me. - Give me a break.

528. - I was never that famous. - I am not joking.

529. What? I mean, I wouldn't really have seen you, but...

530. - That must've been 30 years back. - Oh, you'd be surprised.

531. Me perform for you. Me sing.

532. No, Cynthia, you no perform. They perform, not you.

533. Well, a real, live Les Girls show. Right. This calls for a celebration.

534. - Maybe this isn't such a good idea. - Oh, shut your twat.

535. Our frocks were the sensation of Broken Hill, remember?

536. There was a Kmart in Broken Hill. At least they knew what a frock was.

537. Christ, you should see what this woman's wearing.

538. It's not a frock, it's a piece of corrugated iron.

539. - Can I come in? - Only if you're single.

540. Oh, you look incredible.

541. Where did we find this guy?

542. You just keep dishing out the compliments, Bob.

543. Flattery will get you everywhere. And where's that lovely wife of yours?

544. She's at home.

545. She's not allowed in the pub anymore.

546. Really? Why?

547. She had a problem with alcohol.

548. Every time she gets in the pub, she makes a complete fool of herself.

549. I know how she feels.

550. Well, we're all waiting. You ready?

551. Bob, we're having second thoughts.

552. You can't back out now. Every man and his dog's out there.

553. They're not chained up, by any chance?

554. You blokes. Sorry. You girls.

555. Look, you'll be fine. Take my word for it.

556. Yeah!

557. Yeah, right.

558. What the hell is going on?

559. Oh, she's not...

560. Is she?

561. Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball.

562. You wanna bet?

563. I'm going!

564. Darling, don't go. There's nothing we can't work out.

565. - You no good man. - Don't be silly.

566. You want good wife? You be good husband.

567. Darling, don't go.

568. I no like you anyway. You got little ding-a-ling.

569. Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed.

570. In my opinion, you should wait here

571. until I get back from Coober Pedy with a new gas tank.

572. Then again, you listened to my last opinion.

573. Forget it, Bob. It's time we made a move.

574. I'm just a gifted amateur round here.

575. There's no way a nice frock and a catchy tune

576. can compete with three ping-pong balls,

577. two cigarettes, and a pint of beer.

578. If we break down, we break down. I'll play it safe

579. and stick to the main drag.

580. Pardon the pun. Well, good-bye, Bob.

581. Thanks for a very educational stay.

582. Yes, I'd do anything to be able to open a bottle like that.

583. Bernadette, it's certainly been an honor meeting a member of Les Girls.

584. And may I say it's been an honor to meet a gentleman.

585. Believe me, Bob, these days gentlemen are an endangered species.

586. Unlike bloody drag queens, who just keep breeding like rabbits.

587. Oh, fuck it!

588. Bob, fancy a free ride to Coober Pedy?

589. Now listen, Bob, let's get one thing straight.

590. We may wear the frocks around here,

591. but that doesn't mean that you wear the pants.

592. Right. Where will I sleep?

593. Oh, anywhere that takes your fancy.

594. The roof will do me fine.

595. Thank you, Bob. I don't know what to say.

596. That's all right. Might as well get there a few days earlier. Bit of R&R.

597. God knows I need it.

598. Can I ask you a personal question? I mean, if you don't mind.

599. Sure.

600. Why? Why do you, you know...

601. You mean, the $64,000 question?

602. That's a girl. Now, don't tear the wrapping paper.

603. Just slide the ribbon off, and we can see what Santa's brought you.

604. Here it comes now. What is it?

605. Oh, it's a... It's a...

606. Cement mixer.

607. Have you been changing the cards around again, Ralph?

608. So, I guess I had no choice in the matter.

609. Oh, for fuck's sake! Watch where you're driving, you stupid bitch!

610. What are you trying to do? Fucking kill me or something?

611. My fault.

612. I'm sorry, Bob. I thought it was Bernadette.

613. One, two, three.

614. Now, you're getting it.

615. - Who taught you to waltz? - My wife.

616. Oh, how sweet.

617. You and the missus, down at Arthur Murray's every Tuesday night,

618. practicing your little hearts out.

619. - Makes me wanna sick up. - She's a better dancer than you...

620. - Married? - Yes, married.

621. We've only recently discovered young Anthony here bats for both teams.

622. - I do not. - Oh, so we're straight.

623. - No. - Oh, we're not?

624. So, we're a donut puncher after all?

625. - No. - Then what the hell are we?

626. I don't fucking know!

627. What the fuck's that?

628. Good evening.

629. Nice night for it.

630. Oh, okay. Good night then.

631. What a rude woman.

632. And that's the power steering pump, that's the radiator fan.

633. - How interesting. - Simple.

634. That's the rubber band that ties the whole thing together.

635. Hey, who wants first bath?

636. I won!

637. Can I help you, ma'am?

638. Okay, turn her over.

639. That's it over there.

640. It's an okay room with a shower.

641. - I'm first! - I'm first!

642. Is hot water all you can ever think about?

643. No. A shower, a comfortable bed, and a nice meal will do me fine.

644. You think I'm gonna crawl into the sack and watch television,

645. - you got another thing coming. - Now, look, you blokes watch your back.

646. This is a pretty tough little town.

647. They get up in the morning, they go down a hole,

648. they blow things up, and they come up again.

649. - That about sums things up. - Fabulous!

650. You're welcome to hang out with us, Bob, if you've got nothing better to do.

651. Yeah, I'm meeting some of the boys at the old drive-in for a booze-up,

652. - like the old days. - I wanna go with Bob.

653. I wanna go to the boys club! I wanna go with Bob!

654. You come and have supper with us, Adam Whitely,

655. or you'll stay in your room by yourself and watch TV.

656. - He's a good man, our Bob. - Yeah.

657. Not my type, though.

658. Oh, don't come the raw prawn with me.

659. I can spot the fluttering of a beaded lash from 300 paces.

660. Oh, get out. He's far too old.

661. Mind you, so am I.

662. Did you catch that mail-order bride?

663. Why'd he marry? I'm dying to ask.

664. - Sorry. - That's all right.

665. Don't worry about it. You're the world's best husband.

666. Given the chance, a perfectly good father, too.

667. Do you really think so?

668. Why? Thinking about children?

669. Yes, as a matter of fact.

670. Do you have The Texas Chainsaw Mascara?

671. You ever wanted kids?

672. Sure. But I've learnt not to think about it.

673. Do you think an old queen's capable of raising a child?

674. Well, Elizabeth did a pretty good job.

675. Prince Charles is a wonderful boy.

676. Edward's still a bit of a worry.

677. What happens if they turn out like Adam?

678. You stuff them back in and ask for a refund.

679. Stupid little shit.

680. I dread to think what he's up to.

681. Hello. I'm new in town.

682. No kidding.

683. Could I have a Bloody Mary, please?

684. It's a beer or nothing, sweetheart.

685. Well, I better have a beer then.

686. Cheers.

687. What are you all looking at?

688. I'm sorry.

689. We didn't mean to stare. We don't usually get women down here.

690. Oh.

691. So what do women do around here besides watching videos?

692. Well, well, well. Look who we have here.

693. You know that bloke, do you?

694. No.

695. So, who's gonna show me the sights?

696. - Be my pleasure. - Oh.

697. So how about it?

698. Well, I suppose a fuck's now out of the question.

699. Get her, Frank!

700. Come on, boys. Who wants to see my map of Tasmania?

701. So I never got a chance to tell my parents

702. what a wonderful childhood I'd had.

703. They never spoke to me again after I'd had the chop.

704. I think I have something to tell you.

705. Oh, shit.

706. Okay, fellows. Let's not forget how to treat a lady.

707. You fucking freak!

708. Hold him down.

709. - Spread his legs. - No, please.

710. Frank, stop!

711. Stop! What the fuck do you think you're doing?

712. You mean you do know this cocksucker?

713. Get off him, you mongrel.

714. He was joking, okay? Now you leave the little bugger alone.

715. - Get out of here, Bob. - Cut it out, Frank.

716. Put the faggot down and get the fuck out of there, Bob,

717. - or you'll be next. - Frank.

718. Get out of there!

719. Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd.

720. I'm sure your mates will be much more impressed

721. if you just go back to the pub and fuck a couple of pigs on the bar.

722. Bernadette, please.

723. Bernadette?

724. Well, I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town.

725. I suppose you wanna fuck, too, do you?

726. Come on, Bernadette. Come and fuck me. That's it.

727. Come on. Come and fuck me. Come on.

728. Fuck me.

729. There. Now you're fucked.

730. You stupid, bloody idiot. Drugs, for Christ's sake!

731. Well, three cheers for you! I hope you're bloody well happy now.

732. Stupid, bloody fuckwit.

733. It's funny.

734. We all sit around

735. mindlessly slagging off that vile stinkhole of a city.

736. But in some strange way, it takes care of us.

737. I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia

738. has been put there to stop them getting in or us getting out.

739. Come on.

740. Don't let it drag you down.

741. Let it toughen you up.

742. I can only fight because I've learned to.

743. Being a man one day and a woman the next

744. is not an easy thing to do.

745. - Sorry. Can't help you. - No worries, mate.

746. Well, are we bunny-hopping all the way to Alice?

747. No good. He says the man to help us is a fair way out of town.

748. Like how fair?

749. Couple of hundred klicks fair.

750. No matter. Got nothing else to do today.

751. Let's get out of here.

752. Come on, Adam, we're not here.

753. Some things are said in the heat of the moment.

754. I'm sorry I got angry with you last night,

755. although I daresay you deserved it.

756. Anyway, that's enough of that.

757. This is quite an experience, sitting here with you now.

758. I quite safely say that I think your taste in clothing

759. is absolutely terrible, because you can't say a word, can you?

760. Oh, this is great fun!

761. We're going to have a problem

762. finding this guy with the tank, aren't we?

763. - Why do you say that? - Because he's not out here.

764. He's out here. He's in Alice.

765. Well, I can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while.

766. Not the most popular bloke in the world back there anymore.

767. Hello.

768. - Hello. - Who are you?

769. I your wife.

770. - Guess I'll be going home then. - No, you no going. I coming, too.

771. I your wife, see?

772. I your wife!

773. Silly girl.

774. Should have done her homework better.

775. She thought I was from Sydney.

776. Why in God's name did you bring her home?

777. - She was me wife. - Couldn't you sell her off?

778. Oh, the party's over, everyone.

779. It talks. Can't keep a good bitch down.

780. What time do you reckon we'll be in Alice Springs?

781. Late tomorrow arvo.

782. How long do you think you'll be staying?

783. I don't know. Couple of days, maybe.

784. Hey, big day for you tomorrow, eh? We all get to meet the missus.

785. I saw that smile, Felicia. One word, one derogatory word,

786. and I'm gonna take you back to your mate in Coober Pedy.

787. Look, please, everyone. Tomorrow's gonna be a little tough.

788. Please don't make it any harder than it has to be.

789. We're only teasing.

790. We won't open our mouths until you give the word.

791. Then it's open season.

792. Oh, well, time for bed.

793. I've got to look good for the wife in the morning.

794. Come along, Adam. Time for your beauty sleep.

795. Come on.

796. Will you two be joining us?

797. I just thought I'd have one for the road.

798. - How about you, Bob? - Sounds good to me.

799. All right, then. See you in the morning.

800. Good night.

801. - Another piece of cake, Bob? - No.

802. So, tell me about you.

803. Can't complain. Life's a lot simpler now.

804. I spent 30 years wandering around the world

805. only to find that I was better off where I started.

806. Not much, but it's my turf.

807. Shit!

808. Adam.

809. Adam.

810. - What? - Guess who didn't come home last night.

811. I've waited all my life for this.

812. Bernice has left her cake out in the rain.

813. My fucking back's killing me.

814. I need a crap.

815. - Look, do you want me to go in? - No, no, I'll go.

816. Excuse me, sir. You can't park your bus here.

817. Are you planning on staying at the hotel?

818. Sorry. Could you direct me to Marion Barber, please?

819. - We're the cabaret act from Sydney. - Oh, right. Right, yeah.

820. Just go through to Reception, and they'll take you right through.

821. - Thanks. - No worries.

822. It's all right, Lenny, it's the drag queens.

823. Come on, Bob. Let's go try on your new frock.

824. G'day.

825. - Just over there by the back bar. - Thanks.

826. No, those three kegs didn't arrive.

827. I need them today, not tomorrow, but today.

828. You're a doll. What an asshole.

829. My God! Husband, husband!

830. - It's so good to see you. - Hiya, wife.

831. You're a day late. I was just gathering the search party.

832. - Where are the others? - They're outside.

833. You've lost weight, you rotten old queer.

834. It's about fucking time.

835. I can finally get into that old one-piece of yours.

836. - You know, the one with the sunflowers. - You still got that?

837. What the hell do you do with it?

838. The Poseidon Adventure routine, you know. Shelley Winters.

839. Where is he?

840. I'm very, very angry with you.

841. There's one thing I'd like to do to you, a good spanking.

842. You forget it.

843. Spank, spank, spank.

844. I've got a good mind to put you over my knee.

845. - I'll spank, spank you back. - Benj.

846. Do you remember Tick?

847. Hello, Tick.

848. Hello.

849. Where's the bloody bar?

850. - Mr. Belrose? - Yes?

851. Congratulations. It's a boy.

852. Shit!

853. - You okay? - What's the matter?

854. - Help. - Oh, my God.

855. For Christ sake, Mitz, why didn't you tell us?

856. Why the hell did you have to shock me like that?

857. This lump on my head is getting bigger by the second.

858. I'm about to make my Northern Territories debut

859. looking like a fucking Warner Brothers cartoon character

860. has hit me over the head with an iron.

861. I think you look more like a Disney witch, myself.

862. Oh, shut your face, Felicia. At least I don't look like

863. somebody's tried to open a can of beans with my face.

864. I'm sorry, girls.

865. I couldn't stand the thought of you bagging me on the bus for two weeks.

866. Anyway, what difference does it make now?

867. About two inches to my head, for one.

868. Did you get a good look at him? He's got my profile, that's for sure.

869. I think I'm gonna be sick.

870. I hate to be practical here, but does he know who you are?

871. I mean, does he know what you do for a living?

872. He knows he has a father in the show business, cosmetics industry.

873. Oh, Lord. I don't understand.

874. No, you don't understand, so stop trying to.

875. - It'll be fine. - It better be.

876. Hello! Stop wearing out that mirror.

877. - Do you always knock before you enter? - Always. Why?

878. You haven't got anything to hide in there, have you?

879. All right, girls, you're on in 10 minutes.

880. Sweetheart, you've been on ever since you were born.

881. Hope you're ready to slay them. The word's out, we've got a big crowd.

882. - Like how big? - A full house.

883. Where's Benj?

884. Safe and sound, asleep in bed. Don't you worry about a thing.

885. Okay, my little powder puff?

886. - Can I come in? - Now there's a gentleman.

887. Of course you can, Bob.

888. My Aunt Minnie in here?

889. Don't mean to barge in. Just wanted to wish you luck.

890. - Thank you, Bob. - Thanks.

891. To make up for what happened last time.

892. Thank you. That's so thoughtful.

893. All right, girls, let's get this show on the road.

894. You, out. That's a 10-minute curtain call.

895. Good luck.

896. That's quite a wife you've got there, Mitz.

897. What does she do in her spare time,

898. sand back the hulls of oil tankers with her tongue?

899. She sure is something.

900. - Chookers, girls. - Watch my jaw.

901. Be careful with my head.

902. Aren't we fabulous?

903. Ladies and gentlemen, Lasseter's Casino of Alice Springs

904. presents Miss Mitzi Del Bra, Miss Felicia Jollygoodfellow,

905. and Miss Bernadette Bassenger,

906. the Sisters of the Simpson Desert.

907. PLAYING)

908. Bravo! Brilliant!

909. - Come on, everybody! - More!

910. More, more!

911. More!

912. - More! - We want more!

913. - Yes! Magnificent! - Yeah!

914. - Bravo! - More!

915. We want more!

916. - Come on, snap out of it. - Come on, mate.

917. You'll be fine.

918. Come on, love.

919. That's it, mate.

920. You scared us all for a minute.

921. Just had to have that extra little bit of attention, didn't you?

922. Nice one, lovey. Nice one.

923. Shit! What are you doing, Marion?

924. You liar!

925. - You told me he'd be in bed. - Oh, shush!

926. - Drink your daiquiri. - I hate bloody daiquiri.

927. No, you don't. You love bloody daiquiris.

928. At least now I know why drag queens drink from such big glasses.

929. - To make their hands look smaller! - Oh, ha-ha, Marion.

930. What am I going to say to the boy? I've never been so embarrassed.

931. - I think you're overreacting. - Really?

932. Yes, you're just being a drama queen.

933. You're gonna have to drop all that shit if you're gonna be a good father.

934. And don't pretend to be surprised.

935. I've kept my end of the bargain, now it's your turn.

936. Not forever, maybe just for a couple of months.

937. Why now?

938. Because I haven't had a holiday in eight years.

939. I need a rest, Tick. I need some space.

940. Reminds me of something I said not so long ago.

941. Well, I do. And besides, it's time he knew who his father was anyway.

942. Yeah, and that's the problem. I mean, I don't know what to tell him.

943. What do you assume I do, lie?

944. Assumption, my dear Mitz, is the mother of all fuck-ups.

945. - Don't bitch to me. Bitch to him. - Thanks for the...

946. You might be in for a pleasant surprise.

947. free advice.

948. - Who is it? - It's me, Bob.

949. Your flowers were being mangled. Thought I'd rescue them for you.

950. Good idea. Thanks.

951. - What's the matter? - Nothing.

952. Do you know what your father does for a living?

953. Yeah.

954. So I suppose you know he doesn't really like girls then.

955. Does he have a boyfriend at the moment?

956. - No. - Neither does mum.

957. She used to have a girlfriend, but she got over her.

958. Do you want to come play in my room? I've got Lego.

959. Sure.

960. Come on, butch, get a move on.

961. We can't brand the cattle all by ourselves.

962. Great show last night. You always end a number like that?

963. Always.

964. How'd you like to pick her up every night, Sundance?

965. Be a pleasure.

966. I think that might include taking the lady home every evening

967. - and tucking her into bed, Jeff. - What's the pay like, Marion?

968. That one's gonna get himself into trouble one day,

969. and if you play your cards right, you might just be the lucky fellow.

970. Come on, all aboard.

971. Just watch it with the innuendos, Marion.

972. At least give me a clear shot at this.

973. You call dressing up like a Xanadu production number a clear shot?

974. Come on, Tick. Who's kidding who around here?

975. He sure as shit isn't.

976. Swimming, swimming.

977. Rock. Little Rock.

978. Rock. Rock Hudson.

979. You silly old gay.

980. My turn, my turn!

981. Okay, smarty-pants, you give it a go.

982. Come on, then.

983. - It's a... - Person.

984. - A sexy woman. - Cat.

985. Famous woman.

986. - Baby. - Rocking.

987. I know this one.

988. - Race horse. - Cat. Scary cat.

989. Scary moose.

990. - Scary dog. - I know, I know.

991. No?

992. Lindy Chamberlain.

993. That was appalling, Benji. Who taught you that?

994. - Mum did. - Lies, all lies.

995. Come on, Adam. Up.

996. Time is against us, and we have things to do.

997. - Come on, you butch thing, you. - No, count me out.

998. - All for one. - Come on, Tick.

999. No.

1000. Come on, Adam, let's get frocked.

1001. So...

1002. What's it like to finally have a father?

1003. It's okay.

1004. Sorry about last night.

1005. I don't always dress up in women's clothes.

1006. I mean, you know, don't get the wrong idea.

1007. I mean, I do a lot of different stuff, you know,

1008. like Elvis and Gary Glitter.

1009. ABBA?

1010. I'm not supposed to know about the ABBA show,

1011. but I'd really like to see it.

1012. Would you do ABBA for me?

1013. Sure.

1014. You know what I am, don't you?

1015. Mum says you're the best in the business.

1016. Well, your mother was always prone to exaggeration.

1017. Will you have a boyfriend when we get back to Sydney?

1018. Maybe.

1019. That's good.

1020. - Come on. - Where are we going?

1021. We're gonna unleash the best in the business.

1022. I had a dream.

1023. Well, we did it.

1024. It never ends, does it?

1025. All that space.

1026. So what now?

1027. I think I wanna go home.

1028. Me, too.

1029. Well, then, let's finish the shows and go home.

1030. Hey, don't go without leaving me your number, sunshine.

1031. Already taken care of, Jeff.

1032. It's at the far end of the men's cubicle.

1033. "For a good time, phone Felicia."

1034. Hey, can we stop at McDonald's on the way back?

1035. That's a good idea.

1036. I've had just about enough of this shitty food. Fucking crawfish.

1037. I don't know. Where the hell do you start?

1038. Stop it. Lay it on the line, husband. Don't conceal a thing.

1039. That's the key. And if he doesn't like it, stiff bikkies.

1040. He can always buy his own ticket back.

1041. What happens when word gets out that Mitzi's got a minor?

1042. That's your problem, not his. He knows when and where to listen.

1043. Morals are a choice, and he'll decide his own

1044. when he's good and bloody well ready.

1045. Well, that's it. You're all packed.

1046. Gotta be joking.

1047. We haven't got Bernadette's shoes up on board yet.

1048. I hate to say this. Wish I was going with you.

1049. Your gas tank will be fine. Your axle may be another matter.

1050. I'm sure the road home will just be filled with bored mechanics

1051. waiting for a bus full of drag queens to spirit them away to a better life.

1052. I wish. We're not even gonna spirit gum at this rate.

1053. - Where the hell's Bernadette? - Here.

1054. Come on, Cabanossi tits. Where are your bags?

1055. In my room.

1056. I'm not going. I've decided to stay here for a while.

1057. Oh, really? And you're choosing to tell us about this now?

1058. She told me a few weeks back. Just when I was looking for somebody

1059. to handle the guest entertainment while I'm away.

1060. Oh, I get it.

1061. Who's been playing hide the sausage, then?

1062. That's it. Let's get out of here before I throw up.

1063. Come on, Benj.

1064. - Hope you can drive. - Hey, not without a hug.

1065. You sure?

1066. No, I'm not sure.

1067. But I'll never know unless I give it a shot.

1068. I'm as jealous as all hell.

1069. Shit. Raccoon time again.

1070. - Bye. Bye-bye.

1071. - Don't forget to write. - See you. Wish I was staying.

1072. - Bye. Take care of her now. - Bye-bye!

1073. Bye, Mum!

1074. Yeah. See you, Ralph!

1075. No, that's enough. Oh, my tits are falling down.

1076. Jesus!

1077. Thank you! Thank you! It's good to be home!