The ABCs of Death (2013)

Directed by Hélène Cattet • Jorge Michel Grau • Angela Bettis • Thomas Cappelen Malling • Banjong Pisanthanakun • Bruno Forzani • Andrew Traucki • Jason Eisener • Jon Schnepp • Adrián García Bogliano • Nacho Vigalondo • Ti West • Ernesto Díaz Espinoza • Yudai Yamaguchi • Jake West • Yoshihiro Nishimura • Srđan Spasojević • Xavier Gens • Lee Hardcastle • Noboru Iguchi • Simon Rumley • Adam Wingard • Marcel Sarmiento • Ben Wheatley • Timo Tjahjanto • Kaare Andrews • Anders Morgenthaler

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Ingrid Bolsø Berdal as Frau Scheisse (voice) • Erik Audé as Fighter • Iván González as Bobo • Kyra Zagorsky as Lainey • Peter Pedrero as Hooded Man • Lee Hardcastle as Dad • Erik Audé as Beat Down Dude (segment "D is for Dogfight") • Iván González as Bobo (segment "X is for XXL") • Kyra Zagorsky as Lainey (segment "V is for Vagitus") • Peter Pedrero as Hooded Man (segment "S is for Speed") • Dallas Malloy as Female Boxer (segment "D is for Dogfight") • Lee Hardcastle as Dad (segment "T is for Toilet") (voice)

An ambitious anthology film featuring segments directed by over two dozen of the world's leading talents in contemporary genre film. Inspired by children's educational ABC books, the film comprises 26 individual chapters, each helmed by a different d...

New Zealand • United States of America • Horror

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ah!

2. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

3. I've been poisoning you since last year.

4. You were supposed to die in a few months,

5. slowly, like up to now.

6. Nobody would realize it was me.

7. Everything would have worked out.

8. It would have been over with.

9. Why?

10. Because I've been listening to the news all morning and I've run out of time.

11. I'm sorry, it was going to be better.

12. But we didn't have time.

13. I can't sleep.

14. But it's almost—

15. almost 8:00.

16. Go to your room. I'll be right with you.

17. What do you want me to do?

18. My parents lent me the house with this condition only.

19. Well, let's do nothing.

20. Xo, look...

21. you have to sleep.

22. Being a child is a bitch, I know, but that's how things are.

23. But in my house I don't have to go to sleep until 10:00.

24. Look, in this neighborhood, children have to sleep early,

25. because if not... err...

26. - ... the Abominable Snowman comes! - But it doesn't snow here.

27. You tell him that when he comes to get you.

28. - Your uncle is all wrong. - He is my cousin, not my uncle.

29. Yes, baby, it doesn't snow in Mexico City.

30. Any idiot knows that.

31. But many, many years ago

32. there was a snowfall that covered the city.

33. It came from the distant region of Nepal and sat here

34. for 40 days in which the sun barely came out to warm.

35. It was snowing day after day. People couldn't go outside

36. and that's why they took so long to realize what was happening.

37. Many children were disappearing from their homes.

38. You know what happened to them?

39. But your uncle does, right?

40. They were found...

41. - dead? - Dead, of course.

42. But that wasn't the worst part of it.

43. Their hearts were torn out.

44. After that, they realized that whoever had done it

45. only ate children's hearts.

46. When they finally found him...

47. one of the bloodiest battles in all of history took place.

48. The battle was so long that in 1958 the government had to make a truce.

49. Benito Juarez agreed with the snowman

50. that he could live in a cold-storage container with one condition—

51. he could only go out at night

52. and could only take the children who were not lying down after 8:00.

53. They don't have to be asleep, but lying in their beds.

54. But they have to demonstrate good will if they are not asleep

55. - and at least they must count sheep. - And how is he?

56. He rings a bell and has a cart where he puts the children's bodies.

57. And he screams!

58. Sure.

59. - He screams. - Is he the Bogeyman?

60. If you have to choose, choose the Bogeyman.

61. It's the kind of person that will only abduct you.

62. The Snowman from Mexico

63. will take out your little heart

64. and before you die, you'll see him eat it.

65. Gaaarbiishhhhhhh...

66. Did you hear that?

67. - Gaaarbiishhhhhhh... - Quick, Xochitl,

68. close your eyes, close your eyes.

69. Shhh. Don't make a sound!

70. If you're going to do something, do it right.

71. She won't come out!

72. Oh! The garbage collector...

73. or my mom will kill me.

74. Scare her with the garbage collector— you're a bitch.

75. Good night.

76. 97 sheeps, 98 sheeps, 99 sheeps...

77. One sheep, two sheeps, three sheeps...

78. Bruce?

79. Is everything okay?

80. I heard a sound.

81. - Huh? - I heard a sound. Go see.

82. Bruce?

83. Did you see this?

84. Alice?

85. Alice?

86. - I heard a sound. - Huh?

87. I heard a sound. Go see.

88. Alice?

89. Alice?

90. Bruce?

91. Is everything okay?

92. Buddy.

93. Ah! Ugh!

94. Ah ah ah.

95. Ugh. Ugh.

96. This is because I stuck my finger in you, isn't it?

97. - Oh, come on, baby, don't be like that. - Well, when are we gonna get together?

98. - When are we gonna meet up? - No no, tomorrow.

99. It's just my ear. It hurts a little bit.

100. I got you, you little son—

101. Oh!

102. Phew.

103. Fuck you!

104. Japan,

105. we always believed, was a country watched over by the gods.

106. But me, I don't believe there is a God.

107. Besides, if there really were a God...

108. sensitive girls wouldn't be

109. so ashamed whenever they had to fart.

110. Good morning.

111. Aaah! Miss Yumi,

112. were you watching?

113. Oh no. I'm so embarrassed!

114. I saw what you did!

115. Instead of God,

116. I believe that Miss Yumi is watching over me.

117. When I'm with Miss Yumi, I feel so happy,

118. but I can't control the sense of yearning swelling in my breast.

119. So gentle and pure—

120. I wonder if Miss Yumi could also make such a shameful noise?

121. Just then,

122. we felt God's anger towards us.

123. Oh no! It's an earthquake!

124. The ground began to shake.

125. - Gas! Gas is coming! - Run!

126. Or maybe that black gas...

127. is a fart from the ass of God?

128. Miss Yumi!

129. Huh?

130. I don't want to die from breathing in that gas!

131. - If I have to die... - Yes?

132. it's your—

133. it's your gas I want to breathe!

134. All right.

135. As long as you don't mind if it smells bad.

136. Miss Yumi! What a lovely behind!

137. Here I go.

138. Miss Yumi... everybody...

139. So stinky!

140. Miss Yumi and I both have the same kind of animal smell on the inside.

141. I'm so happy.

142. The land of the dead isn't the place for pure and clean things.

143. Let us pass beyond the boundaries of good taste and become one together.

144. Miss Yumi!

145. I think I'm gonna fart.

146. We shall go on to the end,

147. we shall fight with growing confidence

148. and growing strength in the air.

149. We shall fight them on the beaches,

150. and on the streets.

151. We shall never surrender... never!

152. And now,

153. introducing that army charmer, that navy baby,

154. the marine queen, the lady who's middle name is "Ka-boom"!

155. Whoo-hoo.

156. Yoo-hoo.

157. Huh?

158. Rowr.

159. Get ready for real power!

160. Bertie.

161. Bertie.

162. Keep calm, my son...

163. and carry on.

164. Never surrender!

165. Fight!

166. Ow!

167. I...

168. I'm not the intruder,

169. nor stranger...

170. nor somebody else.

171. Ironic, isn't it?

172. You changed me.

173. You changed me. You marked me.

174. And, you know?

175. You aren't brave.

176. Neither unique nor original.

177. You are so basic.

178. So primal.

179. I can't even remember how I got here.

180. I...

181. I arrived without looking,

182. without worrying.

183. And now?

184. Do I surrender?

185. I just didn't see that angle.

186. I didn't see this would happen.

187. I...

188. the one who stopped being.

189. The one who isn't anymore.

190. I...

191. What's wrong, Kawabe?

192. Hmm?

193. Huh?

194. Ooh!

195. Oh!

196. Mmm!

197. Ooh la la!

198. - Ooh! - Oh!

199. Help me... please.

200. Not yet!

201. You sick fucks!

202. Don't you fucking dare!

203. Wait... wait... don't.

204. Gimme another chance!

205. Oh.

206. Ta-da! Cute, right?

207. You brought something again, Shane?

208. Don't. I'm scared of bird flu.

209. C'mon, traffic was bad and I had this bird.

210. Why buy it then? Was it expensive?

211. Don't tell me you spent my money.

212. Not expensive, just look.

213. Look!

214. That's nothing.

215. Any bird can do that.

216. You have something to tell Mommy? Go.

217. "Hi, Anne. You're so beautiful."

218. Boring. Tell me something I don't know.

219. I just got it yesterday and spent all night teaching it to speak.

220. "Will you marry me?

221. Marry me please— me please."

222. Will you marry me?

223. Mmm.

224. "Don't be scared, Joy, my girlfriend won't know."

225. Who is Joy?

226. The heck. It must have remembered it from a movie.

227. "Mine is kinda big, so it's gonna hurt a little."

228. "Ooh, Shane, yours is so big!"

229. What the hell? Just say hello to your mom, birdy!

230. "Oh, that feels good. Shane, you're amazing."

231. "Oh oh oh oh..."

232. "Ahhh...!"

233. Damn you, Shane!

234. Ahh...

235. Ah!

236. God damn it.

237. None of this is working.

238. This is a fucking disaster.

239. Okay, that was good.

240. Uh, could you give me one more of those?

241. Just like less high pitched and more just like just terrified

242. and kind of make it a little bit longer too, if you could.

243. Okay.

244. It's not my fault we got the letter Q.

245. - That's you being disrespected. - I know.

246. Did you see the press release? I was last!

247. Yeah, I saw that. You were even after Nacho Vigalondo.

248. Besides... five grand? How do they expect us

249. to make any kind of movie for $5,000?

250. All right. So what are we gonna do

251. to make our segment stand out?

252. What if our "ABCs of Death" short is the only segment in the entire film

253. to feature an actual on-screen death, like— like somebody actually dies?

254. Actually, that's a great idea. Like we kill an animal or something?

255. Yeah, it wouldn't have to be a person. We could kill an animal.

256. - Nobody gives a shit about animals. - But what animal would we kill?

257. - It's gotta start with a Q... - A "Q."

258. or have something to do with a Q.

259. A fucking Q.

260. Actually, he's kind of cute.

261. - Yeah, he is. - Here, Mr. Quackers, come here.

262. Yes yes...

263. Ahhh, fuck!

264. Let's kill this fucking duck.

265. Juan, you might wanna back up just a little bit.

266. All right.

267. Okay, so how do we wanna do this?

268. We gotta make sure we pretty much kill it right away.

269. - We don't want it to suffer too much. - Right right right.

270. Yeah yeah. This isn't a snuff film, this is art.

271. Ducks die all the time for food.

272. Okay. Yeah yeah. This is what you eat, America!

273. You American pigs! They're the real killers, not us.

274. That's right, yeah. Hey, Juan,

275. we're gonna just tail-slate this. Is that cool?

276. All right... so on the count of three?

277. - Yeah, that sounds good. - All right.

278. One...

279. two...

280. thrrr— hold on a second.

281. Can you just shoot the duck? I mean I—

282. I know it's my, umm, you know, thing,

283. but, uhhh, if you would shoot the duck, I'd appreciate it.

284. Yeah yeah, I got it.

285. Okay. One...

286. two...

287. This fucking thing, God damn it.

288. - You got the safety on? - I don't even know what side it's on.

289. Yeah, it's that thing the side right there.

290. Oh, oh shit!

291. Ugh.

292. Let go of me, you crazy-assed bitch!

293. What you're trying to do

294. can't be done.

295. Hell's coming down on you. I'm just along for the ride, baby.

296. - Want me to shoot you? - You can't kill me.

297. Lucky!

298. Yeah, woo-fucking-hoo, it's my lucky day, you fucking psycho!

299. Enjoy the ride, bitch!

300. Fuck you! Motherfucker!

301. You'll never outrun him, you crazy junkie bitch!

302. - Shut up, bitch! - Fuck you!

303. You fucking whore!

304. Close your eyes.

305. Fuck.

306. For the first time in a long time

307. - I'm impressed. - Good. Now leave me alone.

308. Take her. She's given up and you know it.

309. You cunt!

310. Huh, naw... it's not her time!

311. Please...

312. leave me alone.

313. There's still so much I wanna do.

314. You gave me a run for my money.

315. Nobody's ever made me chase them that hard before,

316. but you can't run forever.

317. Fuck!

318. - It's showtime! - I can't understand

319. why he's so afraid of the toilet.

320. For young boys the most common cause

321. of genital injury is when the toilet seat falls down.

322. He's not gonna have that problem if he's going for a poo.

323. Loads of people have died on the toilet.

324. - Like who? - Elvis.

325. - He died on the bathroom floor. - Yeah.

326. Died on the toilet and then fell over.

327. If I were him, I'd be more scared of those screws I put in.

328. - They're the wrong size. - Honey, you go do a poo poo.

329. There's nothing to be afraid of.

330. Danny Glover had nothing to be afraid of in "Lethal Weapon 2."

331. - Shhh! - We might even have

332. a lethal weapon of his own in a moment.

333. Uh...

334. Whoa!

335. - Bleeding hellfire. That's odd. - Shh shh.

336. That's really odd.

337. Look at the state—

338. Whoa!

339. What on earth?

340. Call the plumber now. It's an emergency.

341. What?

342. Help!

343. Oh! You fucking bastard!

344. Oh God.

345. Huh?

346. Hey! Hey! Wake up.

347. He's finally using the toilet. About fucking time.

348. Stand back!

349. He's spitting.

350. He's spitting! Hold him!

351. Get in!

352. E nomine patris...

353. I've got hold of it!

354. Don't! No-oooo!

355. Ah!

356. Be careful, man!

357. He's in here, I heard something!

358. I can hear it breathing!

359. Come on, let's go!

360. Wake up! Wake up!

361. I'll make you one promise—

362. your children will never know how this ended.

363. See?

364. Father.

365. Finish it!

366. Geoff...

367. Fuck!

368. Fuck!

369. The world is dying. It's one of the reasons

370. we implemented the Infant Sterilization Act.

371. Still, every citizen has the right to earn back their fertility permits.

372. The fastest route has always been through service to Propagation Control.

373. Oh yes, sir, it's why I joined—

374. that and making the world a safer place, of course.

375. Of course. Why do you want children?

376. Propagation Control.

377. You are charged with acts of terror through illegal propagation.

378. You are hereby ordered to surrender all contraband.

379. Please, you don't know what they'll do to him.

380. It's not up to me.

381. I'm sorry, there's been a misunderstanding.

382. You've already verified our permits.

383. A misunderstanding.

384. The illegals have escaped.

385. We're free to go.

386. Free to go.

387. No!

388. Bad, Nezbit, bad!

389. Calm down, officer.

390. Your Nezbit unit simply auto-responded

391. - to para-psychic activity. - Commander Stoker.

392. Congratulations,

393. you've dispatched a rather dangerous group of mentals.

394. - Mentals? - Telekinesis, telepathy,

395. mind control— all very real.

396. All valuable genetic materials.

397. "Materials"? We just killed a child.

398. Oh, it wasn't alive to begin with. Not by law.

399. Hmm. The rebels were delivering the child to the Vatic—

400. "prophet" of all mentals.

401. With such power, his very existence threatens humanity,

402. but once we've reanimated

403. and bio-vac'd every last bit of brain matter,

404. we may finally ascertain his location.

405. A fine achievement, officer.

406. You see, the agency has a far greater purpose than its...

407. "public position."

408. You've given 10 years of service to your unit, officer.

409. Your records are excellent.

410. I'm pleased to say that your permits have been approved.

411. Sir.

412. - Yes sir, but— - I'm not finished.

413. While your permits are approved,

414. there are biological factors beyond the agency's control.

415. Reanimate the infant.

416. I can't let you do this.

417. Nezbit, Officer Lainey has clearly been compromised.

418. Arrest her.

419. I won't let you re-murder a child.

420. Oh, grow up!

421. Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

422. Sir!

423. Sir, the baby is—

424. Where'd he go?

425. Sir? Did you hear that?

426. It's a mental, idiot! Shoot for the head!

427. Oh shit.

428. Oh, such vitality... mmm!

429. I'll keep the corpse alive for weeks.

430. Wasn't taking him to the prophet.

431. Farm every burning neuron.

432. He is the prophet.

433. I'll feast on its pain.

434. Take him. Unite the mentals.

435. - Oh! - You're his mother now.

436. Scream, witch.

437. No one will hear you

438. as I harvest your intestines.

439. - What? - Unhand her, witch!

440. - Willowford! - Wendy!

441. - Save me! - Now, warlock!

442. - What the fuck? - What's up, Tommy?

443. - Where the fuck have you been? - Look, the thing's almost done.

444. - What is that! - Well, um, it's for animated—

445. it's the last frame of the animation I've been working on, remember?

446. - Animation? - Yeah.

447. We weren't even supposed to have animation!

448. Well, we talked about a bunch of different ideas, remember?

449. Look at this list of, err, "W's I got here.

450. Oh my God, what the fuck is wrong with you?

451. We're gonna get this done. Hold on, it's a—

452. - Why do you do this? - Here's the thing— walrus.

453. It's like a Godzilla-walrus.

454. It's a city— people are being destroyed, you pan over, it's a walrus.

455. - Okay? - "W."

456. - Okay, do you have a city? - No.

457. - Do you have a guy in a walrus outfit? - No.

458. - Can you do that by this weekend? - No.

459. Well, what the fuck are you talking about then?

460. - Warrior. - Super hot chick.

461. She's just killed a bunch of, like... trolls?

462. All right, whatever, she's covered in blood.

463. Okay. Let's do that. Let's do that this weekend.

464. I'm not sure I even want to do that one. I'm just saying it's an idea.

465. "W" is for wheelchair. It's an old man— an evil old man.

466. He's in the wheelchair— everybody hates old people.

467. He gets pushed off a fucking cliff.

468. I got— ummm...

469. I got— I got nothing.

470. You guys! Come to the conference room. Come on, you gotta see this!

471. Nancy, I'm coming to you from downtown Hollywood.

472. I've got to tell you, some of the strangest things I have ever seen...

473. - Oh fuck, what's going on? - ... are going on right now.

474. If you can see, over my head, the most oddest looking colored gases.

475. Uh, they're like chemtrails, I guess, and they seem

476. to be followed by other planes and copters, and a general sense of...

477. - "W'! - ... panic seems to have hit the area.

478. Believe it or not, Nancy, we're actually getting reports

479. of people seeing clown zombies in the streets.

480. Fuckin' clown zombies? That's fucking stupid!

481. What, are they looking for magnets? "W"? I just...

482. Is that a "W" on there? What's up with these "W's?

483. Is this some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy,

484. as we watch the horror

485. of our own minds

486. pushing humanity toward extinction?

487. Can we live in a world

488. that is more immoral than our own brains,

489. - our own ideas? - No! Don't open the door!

490. We live in a process that is already infested,

491. already mutated, already over!

492. Already blank— already blank..

493. from a wave of congealed confidence!

494. My elbows are untouchable!

495. My elbows are sharp!

496. I am transparent.

497. I am solid in the form of this new liberty reborn!

498. You-you-you are invisible in this new world!

499. I hover above you...

500. above as below.

501. I am legion.

502. A traced mindfuck of a billion bombs

503. dropping on your fired synapses,

504. your tired synapses!

505. You are inserted,

506. digested, gestated!

507. Lie in the waste of your own vision,

508. gutter punks to bigger words that you ate years ago!

509. That you tasted and shat upon years ago!

510. That you chewed and corrupted

511. after the seeds were buried long ago!

512. I am the one with seven heads!

513. I am the thing that laughs!

514. I am the thing that waits... for you!

515. What the fuck?

516. Damn, I can't believe it.

517. Fucking fat girl!

518. So, so—

519. Look at that gelatin. Hey, gelatin!

520. Hold on, hold on.

521. Madame, excuse me.

522. You're fat, madame. You have to do something after a while.

523. - Yes, thanks. - No, it shows.

524. You performed in Jurassic Park, didn't you? The Brontosaurus.

525. Get out, get out!

526. Gosh... look at this.

527. Hey, take a break on the peanut butter.

528. Oh my gosh, if I were her, I wouldn't go out.

529. Oh my gosh! Hey hey hey, so true!

530. Ah ah ah... for sure. She can't climb up the stairs.

531. Hey, take a ride to the gym!

532. Me, with my cereal, I can manage my summer slimness.

533. Slimness, flat tummy... get ready for the summer!

534. With low dye...

535. say no to fat!

536. Rich in vitamins...

537. my body loves it, as you can see!

538. Diet cereals make me thinner and help you keep it!

539. Me, for my hair, I use Protif!

540. Ah! Ah!

541. Me, with my cereals, I can manage my summer...

542. With low dye, rich in vitamins...

543. my body loves it as you can see!

544. March 11th,

545. radioactivity completely covered our shitty country— Japan.

546. The Rising Sun was flooded with cesium.

547. Our soft-bellied government officials covered it all up

548. and our DNA underwent a violent transformation.

549. Our cells were forever altered...

550. and the people of Japan welcomed

551. a new century of mutants.

552. Japanese food products are totally safe.

553. Nuclear energy is also safe.

554. It's a gift from our beloved,

555. nice country America.

556. Our technology is simple.

557. Even an inferior nation can use it.

558. It is fully automatic and indestructible.

559. Our talented personnel are totally talented

560. and our shitty bastards are perfectly shitty.

561. White means white-skinned human. Not black, nor yellow, nor red.

562. Made in America.

563. Ever since Kunta Kinte was abducted by America,

564. the blacks have harbored a hatred for the whites.

565. Let's change the way of saying "nuclear energy."

566. It's more accurate to say "fission-cultivated electricity."

567. Have no fear. Small and lightweight,

568. their outer walls are made more thin and weak than usual.

569. We yellow people love tangerines!

570. Japanese are superior sons of bitches!

571. My Emperor!

572. It is standing!

573. And, you know?

574. You aren't brave.

575. Neither unique nor original.

576. You are so basic.

577. So primal.

578. I can't even remember...

579. What's wrong, Kawabe?

580. "Oh, that feels good. Shane, you're amazing."

581. "Oh oh oh oh..."

582. Ahhh, fuck!

583. Let's kill this fucking duck.

584. Juan, you might wanna back up just a little bit.

585. For the first time in a long time

586. - I'm impressed. - Good. Now leave me alone.

587. Take her. She's given up and you know it.

588. You cunt!

589. I can't let you do this.

590. Nezbit, Officer Lainey has clearly been compromised.

591. Arrest her.

592. I won't let you re-murder a child.

593. Oh, grow up!

594. Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

595. Sir...

596. sir, the baby is...

597. Where'd he go?

598. Sir? Did you hear that?

599. Such vitality... mmm!

600. I'll keep the corpse alive for weeks...

601. Scream, witch.

602. No one will hear you

603. as I harvest your intestines.

604. - What? - Unhand her, witch!

605. - Willowford! - Wendy!

606. - Save me! - Now, warlock!

607. Me, with my cereal

608. I can manage my summer slimness.

609. Slimness, flat tummy...

610. get ready for the summer!

611. With low dye...

612. Say no to fat!

613. Rich in vitamins...

614. my body loves it, as you can see!

615. It's a gift from

616. our beloved nice country America.