1. Hey, Andy!
What's up, dude?Copy !req
2. Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara.
How you doing?Copy !req
3. When you going to get a car?Copy !req
4. - Hey, why don't you get a car?
- I can't afford it.Copy !req
5. - So, Survivor tomorrow night. We on?
- See you then.Copy !req
6. I'll bring a soda.
Hey, enjoy your orange.Copy !req
7. - Okay, take care.
- See you. Bye-bye.Copy !req
8. - That guy needs to get laid.
- Tell me something I don't know.Copy !req
9. Good morning.Copy !req
10. Excuse me. Pardon me.Copy !req
11. Sorry.Copy !req
12. Excuse me.
Thank you.Copy !req
13. - Good morning.
- Hey.Copy !req
14. - Good morning, Paula.
- Andy.Copy !req
15. Excuse me.
I have a question.Copy !req
16. What is the difference between
Hi8 and Digital video tapes?Copy !req
17. I'm not a salesman,
so, I could probably...Copy !req
18. Welcome to Smart Tech.
How can I be of service to you?Copy !req
19. Well, I was just wondering...Copy !req
20. what is the difference between these?Copy !req
21. Well, if I'm photographing
someone as fine as yourself...Copy !req
22. I'd probably go Digital.Copy !req
23. - My God. Sorry I'm late, man.
- No problem.Copy !req
24. Oh, man.Copy !req
25. - I had a weekend.
- Yeah?Copy !req
26. We went to Tijuana, Mexico,
you know...Copy !req
27. and we thought it would be fun,
you know, to go to this show.Copy !req
28. Everyone's, "You gotta
check out one of these shows. "Copy !req
29. And, you know,
it's a woman fucking a horse.Copy !req
30. We get there, and, you know,
we think it's gonna be awesome...Copy !req
31. and it is not as cool
as it sounds like it would be, man.Copy !req
32. - It's kind of gross.
- Yeah.Copy !req
33. You think,
"A woman fucking a horse"...Copy !req
34. and you get there and it's...Copy !req
35. - ... a woman fucking a horse.
- Yeah.Copy !req
36. It was really giving it to her.Copy !req
37. And you know what...Copy !req
38. to be honest, I felt bad for her.
We all just felt bad for her.Copy !req
39. - Yeah.
- Kind of felt bad for the horse.Copy !req
40. - Wow, that's something.
- So what did you get up to?Copy !req
41. You know, I just kind of hung out.
I was...Copy !req
42. God, Friday, when I went home...Copy !req
43. I really wanted
an egg-salad sandwich.Copy !req
44. And I was just obsessing
about it and I was like:Copy !req
45. "Man, I'm gonna make one of those. "Copy !req
46. So Saturday I went out and I got,
like, a dozen eggs...Copy !req
47. and I boiled them all
and then I just...Copy !req
48. I spent, I don't know,
probably three hours...Copy !req
49. like, three-and-a-half hours
making...Copy !req
50. you know, the mayonnaise
and the onions and paprika...Copy !req
51. and, you know, all the accoutrement.Copy !req
52. And then, by the time I was done...Copy !req
53. I just really didn't feel
like eating it.Copy !req
54. - I can imagine.
- And I didn't have any bread.Copy !req
55. So, you know, it was pretty good.
It was a good weekend.Copy !req
56. - Sounds pretty awesome.
- Yeah, it was fine.Copy !req
57. Sounds really fun.Copy !req
58. - Cool.
- Cool.Copy !req
59. Cool, cool.Copy !req
60. - Hey, Paula.
- Yeah.Copy !req
61. I gotta tell you something.
I'm really excited about it.Copy !req
62. For the first time today,
I woke up...Copy !req
63. I came to the store,
and I feel confident to say to you...Copy !req
64. that if you don't take
this Michael McDonald DVD...Copy !req
65. that you've been playing
for two years straight, off...Copy !req
66. I'm going to kill everyone
in the store...Copy !req
67. and put a bullet in my brain.Copy !req
68. - David, what do you suggest we play?
- I don't care. Anything.Copy !req
69. I would rather watch
Beautician and the Beast.Copy !req
70. I would rather listen
to Fran Drescher for eight hours...Copy !req
71. than have to listen
to Michael McDonald.Copy !req
72. Nothing against him, but if I hear
Yah Mo B There one more time...Copy !req
73. I'm gonna yah mo burn this place
to the ground.Copy !req
74. You're such a smart ass.
Get back on the floor.Copy !req
75. Fuck you.Copy !req
76. This is a great TV.
Nothing beats a plasma.Copy !req
77. What are you doing?
That's my customer.Copy !req
78. It certainly is not.
When I came upon her, she was unattended.Copy !req
79. - No, that's my...
- Wait.Copy !req
80. Go to the checkout there.
Pick up there, please.Copy !req
81. She was unattended
because I went to the back...Copy !req
82. to get the brochure
that she requested.Copy !req
83. I apologize, but it's too late.Copy !req
84. The transaction has been completed.Copy !req
85. Then you're gonna give me
half the commission.Copy !req
86. You'll receive none of the commission.Copy !req
87. I need to talk to Paula.
This is crazy.Copy !req
88. This is bullshit.Copy !req
89. Every time I make a sale,
you go crying to Paula.Copy !req
90. How about Jesse Jackson?
Old Jesse needs a cause.Copy !req
91. Sick of you poaching my customers.Copy !req
92. I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit.Copy !req
93. You wanna take this shit outside?
Just take it outside and squash it?Copy !req
94. Let's stay inside, so everybody can see
what a pussy you have, okay?Copy !req
95. Because when I remove the blade
I keep in my boot from its sheath...Copy !req
96. I can't return it
until it has spilled blood.Copy !req
97. Look, listen to me. You are fucking
with the wrong nigger.Copy !req
98. Hey! You're fucking with
the wrong sun-nigger, okay?Copy !req
99. Dude, I will hang your old ass
by your turban.Copy !req
100. Turban now? Do you see
any fucking turban here?Copy !req
101. Do I talk like a turban guy?Copy !req
102. Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee?
You want a Slurpee?"Copy !req
103. Fuck you, okay?
I was born in Brooklyn.Copy !req
104. Brooklyn, okay?Copy !req
105. My accent is a fucking
Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?Copy !req
106. All right, man.
Calm down, dude.Copy !req
107. Look, you still covering
my shift on Friday or what?Copy !req
108. If I can keep this commission,
with pleasure.Copy !req
109. - Cool, then. All right, pop.
- No problem.Copy !req
110. - How about Andy?
- No.Copy !req
111. Come on, man.
We need, what, five guys...Copy !req
112. - ... to play a decent poker game, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
113. If we cancel this,
I'm gonna have to go...Copy !req
114. to some stupid-ass
birthday party with Jill...Copy !req
115. and that shit ain't happening.Copy !req
116. - No.
- Why not?Copy !req
117. He's a really nice guy and all
but I'm pretty sure that...Copy !req
118. he is a serial murderer.Copy !req
119. Who cares, man?
He's a nice guy.Copy !req
120. I just wanna get drunk,
fucked up, and play some cards.Copy !req
121. That's great.
Look, I don't wanna end up a lampshade...Copy !req
122. in some creepy apartment,
that's what I'm saying.Copy !req
123. I don't really see any other options.Copy !req
124. Andy. My man.Copy !req
125. You got any plans
later on tonight?Copy !req
126. Why, do we have to unload
the Sony truck?Copy !req
127. No, the guys are getting together,
we're playing some poker...Copy !req
128. thought, you know,
you'd wanna play.Copy !req
129. With you guys?Copy !req
130. Yeah, sure.
That would be cool.Copy !req
131. - You know how to play, right?
- Yeah, I play online sometimes.Copy !req
132. - We're gonna play in the store.
- Great.Copy !req
133. Are we allowed to do that?Copy !req
134. - Absolutely not.
- Yeah.Copy !req
135. Oh.Copy !req
136. Well, so I'm gonna go tell Paula.Copy !req
137. I'm just kidding.Copy !req
138. I'm kidding. That sounds great.
Cool, I'll see you guys tonight.Copy !req
139. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
140. Oops.Copy !req
141. - I almost feel guilty.
- No, you don't.Copy !req
142. Going down!Copy !req
143. Going down!Copy !req
144. Dumbass.Copy !req
145. And a full house.Copy !req
146. - Oh, my dukes!
- What?Copy !req
147. How much fucking online poker
do you play, dawg?Copy !req
148. For like an hour or two a night,
when I'm not playing Halo.Copy !req
149. Why did you invite this guy?
He's a fucking ringer, man.Copy !req
150. This is hog shit.Copy !req
151. You, you're a fucking asshole
to tell me to come here.Copy !req
152. You tell me he was a nice guy,
didn't you?Copy !req
153. Well, fuck you people,
and fuck you, you and you...Copy !req
154. fuck and kiss my big brown
fucking ass, okay?Copy !req
155. I'm gonna see you tomorrow.Copy !req
156. - Peace.
- All right, man.Copy !req
157. Fuck a goat.Copy !req
158. - Good night.
- I love that guy.Copy !req
159. Dude, you totally...
Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.Copy !req
160. About to go see Ellen
in a little bit.Copy !req
161. Going now?
Late-night action, huh?Copy !req
162. Dude, you know how it goes.Copy !req
163. Does your girlfriend know
about all these late-night visits?Copy !req
164. It's like an unspoken agreement.
Yeah.Copy !req
165. It's like a completely
and utterly unspoken agreement.Copy !req
166. If you knew her, if you knew
who I was dealing with...Copy !req
167. you wouldn't be saying this shit.Copy !req
168. There's nothing you can't do
with this woman...Copy !req
169. straight up and down.
I've done every single thing...Copy !req
170. I could possibly create.
I've literally lubed up...Copy !req
171. and made love to the arches
of her feet. All right.Copy !req
172. - Wow!
- Yeah.Copy !req
173. - Foot fuck!
- That's sick, man.Copy !req
174. - Wow.
- That is not sick.Copy !req
175. - I will give you sick.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
176. I was sleeping with a woman
recently, she had the...Copy !req
177. - Her tits were unbelievable.
- Oh, man, I love titties.Copy !req
178. And so we're doing it
and I'm about to finish...Copy !req
179. and her dog starts licking my ass.Copy !req
180. I swear to God, I have to decide,
do I finish or do I stop the dog?Copy !req
181. I know your nasty ass.
He finished.Copy !req
182. I finished.
And then I stole the dog.Copy !req
183. No, I didn't, but...Copy !req
184. You know, sometimes,
Amy and I would make love...Copy !req
185. till it was almost like
we weren't two people...Copy !req
186. but we were two spirits
or something.Copy !req
187. Our souls were connected in this way,
I can't describe it.Copy !req
188. Time stood still. It was like we were
sharing the same heart.Copy !req
189. Stop, man! Why do you always come
and kill the vibe with those things?Copy !req
190. "Sharing the same heart,"
that's like some...Copy !req
191. Britney Spears shit, man.Copy !req
192. This is three grown ass men,
don't nobody want to hear that shit.Copy !req
193. Yeah, man, come on,
nobody wants to hear that shit.Copy !req
194. Thank you, Andy.
Dude, you broke up two years ago.Copy !req
195. - You get over it at some point.
- Two years, man.Copy !req
196. You need to get past that...Copy !req
197. because no ass is worth thinking
that much about...Copy !req
198. I always say.Copy !req
199. Andy, do me a favor.Copy !req
200. Would you please help him redeem himself
by telling a real sex story?Copy !req
201. Yes.Copy !req
202. I don't... You know what,
I'm a gentleman and I don't...Copy !req
203. I don't kiss and tell.Copy !req
204. Fuck it, I raise you.
Nastiest shit you've ever done.Copy !req
205. I'm talking about nasty.Copy !req
206. Wow.Copy !req
207. So many stories are running
through my head right now.Copy !req
208. I dated this girl...Copy !req
209. for a while, and she was
really a nasty freak.Copy !req
210. She just loved to get down
with sex all the time.Copy !req
211. She was like, any time of day,
she was like:Copy !req
212. "Yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty. "Copy !req
213. And I'd be nailing her.Copy !req
214. - Oh, shit.
- She'd be like:Copy !req
215. "Oh, you're nailing me. Cool. "Copy !req
216. - She talk dirty to you?
- She loved to dirty-talk.Copy !req
217. Totally into it.
She'd be like:Copy !req
218. "Yeah, let's screw, let's...
I wanna fuck. "Copy !req
219. God, it was so dirty.Copy !req
220. She'd be like, "Me so horny,
me love you long time. "Copy !req
221. So...Copy !req
222. - So what were the titties like?
- Yeah, describe her...Copy !req
223. Yeah, she had great tits.Copy !req
224. No, I mean, like, detailed.
Did she have, like, you know...Copy !req
225. - ... them little pink teeny nipples.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
226. Or like the long
National Geographic nipples.Copy !req
227. You have like the bumpy Braille nipples,
the Stevie Wonders.Copy !req
228. Yeah, they were nice.Copy !req
229. You know, when you, like,
you grab a woman's breast and it's...Copy !req
230. And you feel it and...Copy !req
231. it feels like a bag of sand
when you're touching it.Copy !req
232. Bag of sand?Copy !req
233. You know what I mean.
Why don't we just play?Copy !req
234. Why don't you just deal the cards?Copy !req
235. What are you talking about?Copy !req
236. Have you ever felt
a breast before, man?Copy !req
237. Yes.Copy !req
238. - Dude, are you gay?
- No, I'm not gay.Copy !req
239. I've been with tons of women.Copy !req
240. I touched a guy's balls
at Hebrew school once.Copy !req
241. Dude, it's not a big deal.
You like to fuck guys.Copy !req
242. I'm cool. I got friends
who fuck guys, in jail.Copy !req
243. No, I'm not gay.Copy !req
244. No, I've borked a lot of women
in my day.Copy !req
245. You've "borked"?Copy !req
246. Hold up.
Yo, answer this question:Copy !req
247. Are you a virgin?Copy !req
248. Are you a virgin?Copy !req
249. Yeah, not since I was 10.Copy !req
250. It all makes sense.
You're a virgin.Copy !req
251. - I am... Shut up.
- How does that happen?Copy !req
252. He's a fucking virgin.Copy !req
253. I knew it. That makes so much sense, man.
Look, he's a virgin.Copy !req
254. - You guys are hilarious.
- All right, come on, don't be mean.Copy !req
255. I'm not being mean.
I'm trying to help the partner out.Copy !req
256. I'm trying to say
I wanna get you laid, dude.Copy !req
257. I understand what's going on.Copy !req
258. You guys are so up your asses.Copy !req
259. From now on, your dick is my dick.
I'm getting you some pussy.Copy !req
260. A bag of sand! Come on, man!
You could do better than that.Copy !req
261. God, me so horny?
Me so stupid!Copy !req
262. Oh, come on.Copy !req
263. It's gonna be fine.
They don't even remember.Copy !req
264. Those guys are cool.Copy !req
265. This is gonna be bad.Copy !req
266. Yeah, well,
virgin's not a dirty word.Copy !req
267. You know what's a dirty word,
is asshole...Copy !req
268. and that's what you guys are.Copy !req
269. You know, I may not have had sex,
but I could fuck you up.Copy !req
270. Yeah.Copy !req
271. Come on.Copy !req
272. - Hey, David.
- Hey, Andy.Copy !req
273. - What's up?
- Cal, good morning.Copy !req
274. - Hey, Andy.
- Hey.Copy !req
275. We're gonna have to get you
some punani.Copy !req
276. Andy, it's going down,
partner. We're gonna be...Copy !req
277. This for you, partner, this for you.Copy !req
278. Waves of them coming at you
on Friday, Saturday.Copy !req
279. By Sunday,
your nuts gonna be drained.Copy !req
280. Hey, Andy, don't let him bother you.
It's okay not to have sex.Copy !req
281. Not everybody is a pussy magnet.Copy !req
282. - What are you? 25?
- I'm 40.Copy !req
283. Holy shit, man.
You've got to get on that.Copy !req
284. Life isn't about sex.
Life is about children and passion.Copy !req
285. Yeah.Copy !req
286. - And spirit.
- Yeah, life's about passion.Copy !req
287. It's not about fucking
and balls and pussy.Copy !req
288. It's about love.
It's about people.Copy !req
289. - It's about connection.
- It's all about connections.Copy !req
290. It's not about cock and ass and tits
and butthole pleasures.Copy !req
291. It's not about
butthole pleasures at all.Copy !req
292. It's not about this rusty trombone
and dirty Sanchez.Copy !req
293. - Please stop.
- And Cincinnati bowtie.Copy !req
294. And your pussy juice cocktail
and this shit-stained balls.Copy !req
295. - Mooj, just please stop.
- Just relax...Copy !req
296. All right.
That's enough, party's over.Copy !req
297. Let the virgin get back to work.Copy !req
298. Andy!Copy !req
299. Andy, come on.
We were just kidding.Copy !req
300. Pointless.Copy !req
301. Andy, nobody cares
that you're a virgin.Copy !req
302. Don't be such a baby.Copy !req
303. They were just having fun.
They didn't mean anything.Copy !req
304. - Get away from me, David.
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
305. - Stop following me!
- Hold up.Copy !req
306. - Hold on.
- I'm gonna have to quit my job now.Copy !req
307. You don't have to quit your job.Copy !req
308. You know what, I don't wanna
go out with you guys.Copy !req
309. - Fine.
- Okay? I don't need your help.Copy !req
310. Okay, fine, you don't have to go out
with us if you don't want.Copy !req
311. You know what, I respect women,
I love women.Copy !req
312. I respect them so much that I completely
stay away from them.Copy !req
313. - Okay.
- I have a very fulfilling life.Copy !req
314. And now, I am making
your silver pants blue.Copy !req
315. Get some roadburn, come on!Copy !req
316. Come on, sucker!Copy !req
317. Oh, my God!Copy !req
318. Hey, Will and Grace, back to work.Copy !req
319. Hey, Haziz, can you just
give us a second?Copy !req
320. We're just kind of
in the middle of something.Copy !req
321. I'm on my break, okay?Copy !req
322. Fuck off, Haziz.
Leave us alone, all right?Copy !req
323. - Fuck off? Fuck you!
- Fuck you!Copy !req
324. - Fuck you! Fuck off.
- Fuck off.Copy !req
325. I'm gonna kick you in the nuts,
asshole.Copy !req
326. Hey, hey! Watch the language, okay?
I have a family.Copy !req
327. Watch how you talk to me!Copy !req
328. It's a free country, Bambi.
I can smoke out here if I want to.Copy !req
329. Smoke my pole.Copy !req
330. - You are a very unkind man.
- Get inside!Copy !req
331. This is not professional.Copy !req
332. Paula, this asshole over here...Copy !req
333. - It's okay.
- Paula!Copy !req
334. It's all right. Come on.
You know, it's just...Copy !req
335. So, how could this not have happened?Copy !req
336. It just never happened.Copy !req
337. When I was young, I tried,
and it didn't happen.Copy !req
338. And then I got older and I got
more and more nervous...Copy !req
339. because it hadn't happened yet.
And I got kind of...Copy !req
340. weirded out about it.
Then it really didn't happen...Copy !req
341. and then, I don't know,
I just kind of stopped trying.Copy !req
342. Do you want to give it
another shot?Copy !req
343. Maybe it's too late.Copy !req
344. Sometimes I feel that
it is just too late for me.Copy !req
345. No, that's crazy.Copy !req
346. You're 40 years old.
You know, 40 is the new 20.Copy !req
347. You wanna spend the next 60 years
of your life...Copy !req
348. never experiencing sex?Copy !req
349. And not just sex, but love...Copy !req
350. and a relationship, and laughing
and cuddling and all that shit.Copy !req
351. I don't know.Copy !req
352. - I wouldn't know what to do.
- Look, you gotta take a risk.Copy !req
353. You gotta risk it.
Look at me.Copy !req
354. I went out with this girl
for four months...Copy !req
355. and it was the greatest...Copy !req
356. greatest thing in my life.Copy !req
357. Until she went down on this
guy in an Escalade, I think.Copy !req
358. And, you know, instead of saying:Copy !req
359. "Okay, what am I doing
that caused this behavior?"...Copy !req
360. I dumped her. Stupid decision.Copy !req
361. I spent the last two years
of my life regretting it.Copy !req
362. Why don't you get her back right now?Copy !req
363. Because she's dating this pot dealer.Copy !req
364. Stupid horrible decision.Copy !req
365. But, hey, that's her journey, you know.
I gotta respect that.Copy !req
366. I gotta give her the space.Copy !req
367. She wants to be some immature little bitch
and blow everybody...Copy !req
368. - ... that's love, man.
- It sounds horrible.Copy !req
369. Of course it's horrible.
It's suffering...Copy !req
370. and it's pain and it's...
You know, you lose weight...Copy !req
371. and then you put back on weight...Copy !req
372. and then you call them
a bunch of times...Copy !req
373. and you try and email and then they move
or they change their email...Copy !req
374. but that's just love.Copy !req
375. Do you realize that
this is the first time...Copy !req
376. we've spoken for more than,
like, 30 seconds?Copy !req
377. Uh-huh.Copy !req
378. - It's kind of nice.
- Come out with us this weekend.Copy !req
379. No pressure.
We'll just have a good time.Copy !req
380. Okay, yeah, I will.
I'll give it a shot.Copy !req
381. Great.Copy !req
382. But I'm not going to have sex
with anybody.Copy !req
383. Good, sex should be
the last thing on your mind.Copy !req
384. Logjam. Hi.Copy !req
385. Shit.Copy !req
386. Oh, God.Copy !req
387. Sorry.Copy !req
388. See you later.
Thanks for the dance.Copy !req
389. I'm okay. It's all right.Copy !req
390. Oh, come on, bus!Copy !req
391. Oh, come on, dogs!Copy !req
392. Shit! You gotta be kidding me.Copy !req
393. I mean, I'm kind of nervous.
I never had oral sex before.Copy !req
394. Jennifer told me how to do it.
It's gonna kick ass.Copy !req
395. What are you doing?Copy !req
396. Okay, just...
We're almost there.Copy !req
397. We have one.
Houston, we have one.Copy !req
398. You'll pull my fucking hair out!Copy !req
399. - We did it.
- God!Copy !req
400. Oh, my God,
you came in your pants.Copy !req
401. - What did you do?
- I had some Cream of Wheat.Copy !req
402. - You know what else is sexy?
- What?Copy !req
403. - Me...
- Yeah?Copy !req
404. sucking...Copy !req
405. on your...Copy !req
406. toe.Copy !req
407. - That's what you want to suck on?
- Yeah.Copy !req
408. - It's just so big and thick.
- Okay.Copy !req
409. Yeah.Copy !req
410. That tickles.Copy !req
411. I'm sorry. Oh, no.Copy !req
412. - Your nose is bleeding.
- You think?Copy !req
413. - I'm sorry.
- I'm hot.Copy !req
414. But, now,
you can't have any of this.Copy !req
415. You should just give up forever!Copy !req
416. Cal, what do you think?
Is this too yellow?Copy !req
417. No.Copy !req
418. What's Curious George like
in real life?Copy !req
419. Come on, man.Copy !req
420. Wow, this is pretty crowded.Copy !req
421. Yeah. Well, it's $9 beer night.Copy !req
422. Okay, look now.Copy !req
423. So, this is what's about to happen,
all right?Copy !req
424. You about to go run down
some drunk chicks, all right?Copy !req
425. And don't confuse that with tipsy.
We talking about drunk.Copy !req
426. I want vomit in the hair,
bruised-up knees.Copy !req
427. A broken heel is a plus.Copy !req
428. That's what you want to find, okay?Copy !req
429. No, Dave already told me
I didn't have to have sex tonight.Copy !req
430. And now he's gone, so...Copy !req
431. Dude, just stop thinking
for a minute, all right?Copy !req
432. You ain't got to think
on this one.Copy !req
433. All you got to do
is use your instinct.Copy !req
434. Show me your instincts.Copy !req
435. My head, my heart.
I follow my heart.Copy !req
436. Now, I'm gonna show you this
one time, all right?Copy !req
437. Instincts.
Show me your instincts.Copy !req
438. - Show me your instincts.
- They're right here.Copy !req
439. Own your instincts.Copy !req
440. All you doing is using your instinct.
That's it.Copy !req
441. That's how a tiger know
he got to tackle a gazelle.Copy !req
442. There's a code written in his DNA.Copy !req
443. - It says, "Tackle the gazelle. "
- Okay.Copy !req
444. And believe it or not, in every man,
there's a code written that says:Copy !req
445. - "Tackle drunk bitches. "
- No.Copy !req
446. You know what,
I don't feel comfortable...Copy !req
447. hitting on drunk "bitches,"
you know.Copy !req
448. I don't think that's right.Copy !req
449. Okay, hold up.Copy !req
450. First of all, you making it out to be
some kind of bad thing.Copy !req
451. I didn't use bitches in a derogatory sense.
You did.Copy !req
452. It just does...
This doesn't feel right.Copy !req
453. Of course it don't feel right.
What has felt right for you didn't work.Copy !req
454. You need to try some wrong, dawg.Copy !req
455. Okay, how do I tell
which ones are drunk?Copy !req
456. Now you're talking all right.
Check this out.Copy !req
457. - You see this redhead over here?
- Where?Copy !req
458. - With the big old titties.
- I'm not gonna stare at a woman.Copy !req
459. Dawg, I'm not telling you
to stare at nobody.Copy !req
460. I'm telling you to use your peripherals.
Now look at me.Copy !req
461. - See. Look. See?
- Yeah.Copy !req
462. I'm not looking at you.Copy !req
463. - No. I'm looking at...
- You're looking at her?Copy !req
464. - What do you want me to do?
- I want you to use your peripherals.Copy !req
465. See? I'm not looking at you.Copy !req
466. No. See, I'm looking at the redhead
at 3:00 with the big titties.Copy !req
467. You see her, racked up right there,
see her?Copy !req
468. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
469. - You find one with the peripherals.
- Okay.Copy !req
470. You see, over by the post.Copy !req
471. It looks like a...Copy !req
472. It's either a ficus...Copy !req
473. It might be a rubber tree plant.Copy !req
474. All right, if you're making a joke,
dawg, it's not funny.Copy !req
475. I see a blonde and she's very pretty.Copy !req
476. Better, okay. All right.Copy !req
477. - Now with your peripherals...
- Yeah.Copy !req
478. you got to scope out a hot,
drunk chick.Copy !req
479. And then you should make your move.Copy !req
480. - Okay? All right.
- Yes.Copy !req
481. And remember, it's more important
that she's drunk than she's hot.Copy !req
482. For this first one. Go get her.
Peripherals, though.Copy !req
483. All the way.Copy !req
484. All peripherals.Copy !req
485. That boy is stubborn.Copy !req
486. Hi, I'm Andy.
You look comfortable.Copy !req
487. Can I get you another cocktail?Copy !req
488. Too drunk.Copy !req
489. - But you got the right idea.
- But clinically alive.Copy !req
490. - Hey!
- Yo!Copy !req
491. I'm having trouble
finding the drunk people.Copy !req
492. - You want to know where there's one?
- Yeah.Copy !req
493. I. I, Captain Yellowshirts.Copy !req
494. Okay. Have a good one.Copy !req
495. - Yo!
- What?Copy !req
496. I met a girl and she's here
with a bachelorette party...Copy !req
497. and they invited us to party with them.Copy !req
498. - Okay, that's good.
- It's so good...Copy !req
499. because no one is hornier
than a girl...Copy !req
500. who's about to watch her friend
get married to a guy.Copy !req
501. It's so funny.Copy !req
502. So we just decided because
this is my last night as a free woman...Copy !req
503. before I marry Dan,
that we would just wig out.Copy !req
504. We're wigging out!Copy !req
505. You guys are hilarious.Copy !req
506. Wait a minute.Copy !req
507. Yes, Mr. President.
Yes, the erection results are in.Copy !req
508. Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Zeus' penis.Copy !req
509. I really mean this.Copy !req
510. Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?Copy !req
511. I do.Copy !req
512. - She does.
- Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker.Copy !req
513. What a good guy. What a...Copy !req
514. Dan, the guy Robin's marrying...Copy !req
515. is such a good guy.Copy !req
516. He sounds like a good guy.Copy !req
517. I hated him for like two years
'cause he cheated on me.Copy !req
518. - Oh.
- But...Copy !req
519. he's really changed now.Copy !req
520. - He's a really good guy now.
- Your friends seem nice.Copy !req
521. You have really kind eyes,
you know that?Copy !req
522. Thanks. Your hat has sequins.Copy !req
523. Mmm.Copy !req
524. Mmm.Copy !req
525. - Your hands are on my belt.
- What?Copy !req
526. - Your hands are on my belt.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
527. It's good.Copy !req
528. You're cute.Copy !req
529. This is kind of lame.
You wanna get out of here?Copy !req
530. Okay, yeah.Copy !req
531. - Yeah.
- Fuck.Copy !req
532. - Come on.
- Okay.Copy !req
533. You wanna drive?Copy !req
534. I don't have a car with me here, so...Copy !req
535. Cars just suck.Copy !req
536. I'm driving.Copy !req
537. Are you drunk?Copy !req
538. No, I didn't have anything
to drink.Copy !req
539. - Blow into this?
- Okay.Copy !req
540. - What is this?
- The judge recommended I get one.Copy !req
541. - Whoa, okay. Wow.
- That's fast.Copy !req
542. - Okay.
- Come on, you're in the lasso.Copy !req
543. And Dan's like,
"You're such a B-I-T-C-H, bitch!"Copy !req
544. And I'm like,
"You're the bitch, bitch. "Copy !req
545. - You know?
- Yeah.Copy !req
546. What was your name again?Copy !req
547. - Andy.
- Andy.Copy !req
548. Let me tell you something, Andy.
Don't ever be named Dan.Copy !req
549. Dan rhymes with man,
and men jerk off.Copy !req
550. And he was a jerk-off.Copy !req
551. - Do you know what I mean?
- Look out! The car!Copy !req
552. - Wow.
- I like you.Copy !req
553. You're not a...Copy !req
554. Ugh.Copy !req
555. I think I ate some bad shellfish sandwich
or something.Copy !req
556. - You're cute.
- No.Copy !req
557. - That tasted good.
- That tasted like shellfish.Copy !req
558. Look out! Sorry.Copy !req
559. Watch it!Copy !req
560. - Do you think I'm pretty?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
561. Oh, God, yes!Copy !req
562. - You're not looking at me.
- Yes, you're pretty.Copy !req
563. Do you think I'm pretty?
Look at me.Copy !req
564. - Look at me!
- I'm looking! You're pretty!Copy !req
565. God, I just wanna live!Copy !req
566. God, I hope I get my period soon.Copy !req
567. - I am in a bad mood.
- Okay.Copy !req
568. I'm so tired.Copy !req
569. Hey, whoa!Copy !req
570. Oh, God! Turn away!Copy !req
571. Hey, get off the wheel.Copy !req
572. You're not gonna get in my pants
acting like that.Copy !req
573. I'm starving.Copy !req
574. Let's get some fucking French toast.Copy !req
575. - Okay, here we are.
- Oh, God, we made it.Copy !req
576. Home sweet home.Copy !req
577. Oh, mommy!Copy !req
578. - Are you okay?
- The fucker came out of nowhere.Copy !req
579. Okay. We're okay.Copy !req
580. Are you okay?Copy !req
581. Well, are you...
What's the matter?Copy !req
582. I'm sorry.Copy !req
583. That's okay.
I think I kind of had that coming.Copy !req
584. I'll still have sex with you
if you want.Copy !req
585. You know what, I think I'm gonna
pass on the sex, if you don't mind.Copy !req
586. At least I don't have
to work out tomorrow.Copy !req
587. - Did you have a daiquiri tonight?
- Yeah.Copy !req
588. I thought you might.Copy !req
589. It was a very bad night.Copy !req
590. Yeah, laugh.Copy !req
591. You know what, you guys wouldn't be
laughing right now...Copy !req
592. if some girl had just vomited
shellfish sandwich into your mouth.Copy !req
593. You know what, you're right,
it's my bad.Copy !req
594. Let me apologize to you
first of all...Copy !req
595. for not mentioning in detail
that when you pick up a drunk woman...Copy !req
596. who's falling down
on her way out of the bar...Copy !req
597. - ... that you should probably drive.
- I drive a bike.Copy !req
598. Okay, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong,
who asked you to drive a bike?Copy !req
599. You know what, I'm not the only person
in the worid...Copy !req
600. who rides a bike.Copy !req
601. Yeah, everyone rides a bike,
when they're fucking six.Copy !req
602. Why don't you kiss something?Copy !req
603. Because this is over,
you guys, okay?Copy !req
604. Can I just interject for a second?Copy !req
605. Let me just say...Copy !req
606. you're putting the pussy up
on this pedestal.Copy !req
607. You're just building
the pussy up, man.Copy !req
608. What are you even talking about?Copy !req
609. "Building the pussy up,"
what does that mean?Copy !req
610. You making the pussy into this
great big Greek goddess named Pussalia...Copy !req
611. and what you're doing is...Copy !req
612. you're psyching yourself into thinking
it's some impossible feat.Copy !req
613. Yeah, I think you're right.Copy !req
614. I'm putting the pussy up
on a pedestal.Copy !req
615. - Right.
- That's it.Copy !req
616. It's "Pussalia," right?Copy !req
617. - Look where you going.
- I don't wanna say the word anymore.Copy !req
618. - Say what word?
- "Pussy. " I don't wanna say it.Copy !req
619. Fuck it.
"Pussy" is a scientific word.Copy !req
620. Dude! New pants, man.Copy !req
621. You know what, Dave?Copy !req
622. You know, you said there wasn't gonna be
any pressure at all.Copy !req
623. - I'm not pressuring you.
- Excuse me.Copy !req
624. Can one of you guys help me, please?Copy !req
625. No hablo English, lady.Copy !req
626. I actually am helping
a customer right now.Copy !req
627. - Okay, well...
- I'm on break.Copy !req
628. But our stock supervisor
is very knowledgeable.Copy !req
629. He can answer all of your questions
and he'd love to help you.Copy !req
630. Thank you.Copy !req
631. - Have a nice day.
- You, too.Copy !req
632. - Great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish.
- Hi, Andy is my name.Copy !req
633. - This one looks pretty good.
- You don't wanna buy that VCR.Copy !req
634. I don't?Copy !req
635. No, actually to be
totally honest with you...Copy !req
636. you don't wanna buy any VCR.Copy !req
637. It's a dead technology.Copy !req
638. It's like getting
an eight-track player.Copy !req
639. - Yeah.
- Or a Betamax.Copy !req
640. You know what, actually
I'd recommend this one.Copy !req
641. This is a dual.Copy !req
642. You've got the VCR and DVD combo.Copy !req
643. So, you know, that technology would be
probably pretty good for...Copy !req
644. - Six months or so?
- Yeah.Copy !req
645. That's good.Copy !req
646. At best. Sorry.Copy !req
647. - No.
- As good as it gets.Copy !req
648. Okay, that sounds good, then.Copy !req
649. Okay, all right.Copy !req
650. - It's perfect.
- Sorry.Copy !req
651. Coming through.Copy !req
652. Okay.Copy !req
653. God, you know, it's so funny,
I work right across the street...Copy !req
654. and I've never been in this place.Copy !req
655. - Really? Where at?
- Yeah.Copy !req
656. The "We Sell Your Stuff On eBay"
store.Copy !req
657. - Yes.
- And that's the name?Copy !req
658. Yeah, I was looking for something...Copy !req
659. you know, obvious.
So I chose that.Copy !req
660. I don't understand.
So, what, you do what?Copy !req
661. Well, I take the stuff
that you don't want...Copy !req
662. and then I "sell" it on eBay.Copy !req
663. But you don't actually
sell anything in the store?Copy !req
664. No. I don't.Copy !req
665. So why do you have a store?Copy !req
666. I don't know.Copy !req
667. No, I think it's because, you know,
I wanna maybe look professional...Copy !req
668. and not like a crazy person
who's just gonna steal all your shit.Copy !req
669. Sure. I didn't mean anything by that.Copy !req
670. No, it's okay.Copy !req
671. You know what, you should come by sometime
if you want, you know...Copy !req
672. see it for yourself, check it out.Copy !req
673. I'll check out your empty store.Copy !req
674. Yeah, it's the one across the street
that's not empty.Copy !req
675. Here's my number. So...Copy !req
676. - All right.
- So, just anytime.Copy !req
677. Why do I need your number
if you're across the street, though?Copy !req
678. I don't really have a good answer
for that, Andy. I just...Copy !req
679. - Sorry.
- Just giving it to you.Copy !req
680. So I'll write you up,
and I'll meet you over at the register.Copy !req
681. - Okay.
- And check you out... Check out.Copy !req
682. - Okay, see you over there.
- Okay.Copy !req
683. Okay.Copy !req
684. - Awful chatty.
- Hey...Copy !req
685. Look, I think she gave me
her number.Copy !req
686. She wrote down her number,
but I think she gave me her number.Copy !req
687. - No, she gave you.
- Dude, man.Copy !req
688. See, you still mad at me?Copy !req
689. - No, I was never.
- Right, you see what I mean?Copy !req
690. Yeah, we gonna celebrate it, man.
Yeah.Copy !req
691. - This is pretty cool.
- Yeah.Copy !req
692. - Unbelievable.
- Come on, give him some credit, man.Copy !req
693. The man pulled a number.Copy !req
694. It's just... I was in...
I can't believe that happened.Copy !req
695. What you did with you's own hand.Copy !req
696. Man, she just gave me her number.Copy !req
697. That's great, man. I'm telling you,
love is a mysterious fig.Copy !req
698. It is.Copy !req
699. Okay, here's a question.
When should I call her?Copy !req
700. - You like her?
- Yeah.Copy !req
701. You definitely don't want to call her.Copy !req
702. When is the next Olympics?Copy !req
703. So what you just got to do is...Copy !req
704. just get you a bunch
of these hood rats...Copy !req
705. run through them,
just knock them out.Copy !req
706. Boom, boom, boom.Copy !req
707. And once you've done slayed like 20,
30 of them hood rats...Copy !req
708. now you ready to go up
to the upper echelon type ho.Copy !req
709. - You know what I mean?
- I'm not a big ho runner.Copy !req
710. My uncle used to drive a ho runner.Copy !req
711. Screw these analogies.
What he's saying is...Copy !req
712. you are going to be so bad
at sex the first time...Copy !req
713. you don't want to have sex
with someone you like...Copy !req
714. 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo
for being so lame at it.Copy !req
715. You want to have sex
with hood rats first...Copy !req
716. so that by the time
you get to the girl you do like...Copy !req
717. you're not terrible at sex,
you'll be mediocre at it.Copy !req
718. Probably still pretty bad, though.Copy !req
719. Let's put it up for my man
for pulling that number.Copy !req
720. - Way to go, man.
- Politicked his ass off.Copy !req
721. - You did politic.
- Thanks a lot.Copy !req
722. Like a train, round the bend.
You ready?Copy !req
723. Yeah.Copy !req
724. - I can't.
- Do it.Copy !req
725. - I can't pee in public.
- Gotta do it.Copy !req
726. I've got a mental block about it.Copy !req
727. - Come on, do it.
- I'm shy!Copy !req
728. I peed in public!Copy !req
729. - Let me out.
- I can't hear what you're saying.Copy !req
730. - I don't want to be in here.
- It's a soundproof room.Copy !req
731. - Just learn the techniques.
- Right on, man.Copy !req
732. You guys, this is not funny!Copy !req
733. Hello.Copy !req
734. Hey, what you watching?Copy !req
735. - Dawn of the Dead, man.
- Great.Copy !req
736. The store is slow.
Paula's gone.Copy !req
737. - Yo, is Paula back?
- No. She's not here.Copy !req
738. - She said we can't watch this in here.
- You sure?Copy !req
739. I know.
Can I ask you something in confidence?Copy !req
740. I know this is gonna sound weird.Copy !req
741. Am I good-looking?Copy !req
742. Do you think a woman
will find me attractive?Copy !req
743. Oh, my God!Copy !req
744. - Oh, my God, the blood just...
- Okay, never mind.Copy !req
745. Wait, Andy. Hold up.Copy !req
746. Listen, this is embarrassing for me.
This is hard to talk about.Copy !req
747. - Are you ready for my honest answer?
- Yes.Copy !req
748. Yeah.
I think you're a good-looking cat.Copy !req
749. I don't think that anybody knows it...Copy !req
750. and I don't think anybody can see it.Copy !req
751. Well, that's why I'm asking you.Copy !req
752. You seem really well-groomed
and really put together.Copy !req
753. I mean, look, dude.
You think this was an accident?Copy !req
754. All of this right here?
Premeditated, partner.Copy !req
755. You gotta highlight your attributes,
like a diamond in the rough.Copy !req
756. You willing to make some sacrifices?Copy !req
757. Absolutely.Copy !req
758. You see that whole Teen Wolf thing
you got going right there?Copy !req
759. You need to wax that right out.Copy !req
760. - Does it hurt?
- No. Waxing don't hurt.Copy !req
761. I mean, not unless you're a bitch.
You know what I mean?Copy !req
762. It didn't hurt me.
I get it done all the time.Copy !req
763. What the fuck!Copy !req
764. Fuck that nigger up!Copy !req
765. Bitch, get out of the room!Copy !req
766. This is gonna be good.Copy !req
767. - This the one right here, right?
- Hi, how are you?Copy !req
768. So this is your first time
getting body waxed?Copy !req
769. Yes, it is.Copy !req
770. - Take off your shirt.
- Okay.Copy !req
771. We're gonna need more wax.Copy !req
772. I'm staying.
This is gonna be good.Copy !req
773. And clear all my appointments
in the afternoon.Copy !req
774. Here we go.Copy !req
775. That feels warm.Copy !req
776. I like your sweater.
Does that come in a V-neck?Copy !req
777. She starts doing his pubes,
I'm out of here.Copy !req
778. You gonna look good after this, man.Copy !req
779. Thanks, man.Copy !req
780. - So, ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
781. You fucker!Copy !req
782. I'm sorry.
That's just your job.Copy !req
783. - You want me to stop now?
- No. It's okay.Copy !req
784. Let's do another one.Copy !req
785. That one little patch
looks sexy though.Copy !req
786. - Does it look good?
- Yeah, it looks really good.Copy !req
787. It looks man-tastic.Copy !req
788. Okay.Copy !req
789. Wow! I didn't expect that at all.
I really didn't expect that.Copy !req
790. You got it. The first one
is the only one that hurts.Copy !req
791. Yeah.
Those hairs are pretty deep.Copy !req
792. Okay.Copy !req
793. - You ready?
- Yup.Copy !req
794. Sucker motherfucker!Copy !req
795. You shithead! I hate you!Copy !req
796. I hate you so much!Copy !req
797. That one hurt.Copy !req
798. That one hurt
just as much as the first one.Copy !req
799. - That's great, man.
- Man!Copy !req
800. One, two, three.Copy !req
801. Fuck me!Copy !req
802. In the asshole!Copy !req
803. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
804. I really don't swear this much.Copy !req
805. You know what,
I got a weak stomach.Copy !req
806. That's all I can really take.
I'll see ya'll.Copy !req
807. - Jay.
- Be tough, Andy, you got it.Copy !req
808. - Where did Jay go?
- He went to throw up.Copy !req
809. - Ready?
- Yup.Copy !req
810. One, two.Copy !req
811. Cocksucker motherfucker!Copy !req
812. You pulled on two.Copy !req
813. Why didn't you pull on three?Copy !req
814. Freddy pie hole!Copy !req
815. No! Kelly Clarkson!Copy !req
816. Ya'll done or ya'll...Copy !req
817. - That's fucked up.
- Oh, shit falls!Copy !req
818. That's fucked up.Copy !req
819. I hate you.Copy !req
820. Stop smiling, you jerk!Copy !req
821. You pussy.Copy !req
822. Oh, God. What's next?Copy !req
823. - You're doing the nipple.
- Not the nipple.Copy !req
824. - Come on.
- Not the nipple.Copy !req
825. Please, Cal, hold my hand.Copy !req
826. - You kidding me, man?
- Hold my goddamn hand, man.Copy !req
827. - Do it! Just hold.
- Okay, here we go.Copy !req
828. Ready?Copy !req
829. No. Yup.Copy !req
830. One, two, three.Copy !req
831. Nipple fuck!Copy !req
832. Mika, you should burn in hell!Copy !req
833. Okay, all right.
No, seriously, I think I'm done.Copy !req
834. I think we're done.
I think that's good.Copy !req
835. You know what, guys...Copy !req
836. this is not a good look for me!Copy !req
837. You look like a man-o'- lantern.Copy !req
838. Thank you very much.
Appreciate it. Thank you.Copy !req
839. - Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
840. - Thank you.
- Thanks.Copy !req
841. Andy, I owe you an apology, man.Copy !req
842. I wasn't very nice to you
for the past two-and-a-half years.Copy !req
843. You were nice to me.Copy !req
844. No, I was... I thought
you were really boring and...Copy !req
845. I kind of thought
you were a serial killer.Copy !req
846. I'm not joking.Copy !req
847. - Hey!
- Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.Copy !req
848. Don't worry. There's a lot of
padding in these.Copy !req
849. I could hurl it off the balcony,
it would be fine.Copy !req
850. - Yeah. It will be fine.
- We couldn't break this...Copy !req
851. - ... if we tried.
- No problem.Copy !req
852. Look, you shouldn't listen
to Dave and Jay, okay?Copy !req
853. Those guys are crazy.
You should listen to me, okay?Copy !req
854. Look, there is a hot-ass girl
who works right there.Copy !req
855. There she is, in the bookstore.
You should ask her out, man.Copy !req
856. Something wrong with her underpants.Copy !req
857. Yeah, they're not in my mouth.Copy !req
858. You know, I kind of...Copy !req
859. like the woman from the eBay store.Copy !req
860. That's great, but...Copy !req
861. you're not gonna get with anyone...Copy !req
862. unless you play the odds on this, man.Copy !req
863. You need to plant a lot of seeds.Copy !req
864. It's like this.
When I was growing pot, I realized...Copy !req
865. - ... that the more seeds I planted...
- Thank you.Copy !req
866. the more pot
I could ultimately smoke.Copy !req
867. I think I have all the advice
that I can handle right now.Copy !req
868. Don't get bitter.Copy !req
869. I'm not bitter.
I almost lost a nipple, okay?Copy !req
870. That was Jay's idea, okay?Copy !req
871. And I wasn't going to say anything,
but waxing your chest is...Copy !req
872. like the gayest thing
you could possibly do, okay?Copy !req
873. Look at me. Looks are not important.
Really look at me.Copy !req
874. I am ugly as fuck
by traditional standards...Copy !req
875. but I get with women.Copy !req
876. Aren't you curious
as to how that's possible?Copy !req
877. I am not ugly as fuck.Copy !req
878. I didn't say you were ugly as...Copy !req
879. - Well, you implied it.
- Okay.Copy !req
880. It doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck
or you're ugly as shit.Copy !req
881. It's about talking to women,
and I know how to do that...Copy !req
882. because I observe,
because I am a novelist.Copy !req
883. What? You never told me that before.Copy !req
884. That's because I am not
an arrogant prick, Andy.Copy !req
885. Okay? The problem most men have is...Copy !req
886. they don't know how to talk to women.Copy !req
887. You know what my problem is?
I am not interesting.Copy !req
888. What am I supposed to say?
"I went to magic camp?"Copy !req
889. "I'm an accomplished ventriloquist?"Copy !req
890. "I am a seventh-degree
imperial yo-yo master. "Copy !req
891. Do me, yo-yo master.Copy !req
892. I want you to do me,
'cause you're the yo-yo guy.Copy !req
893. Are you done? Listen.Copy !req
894. The problem most men have is...Copy !req
895. they just plain straight up
have no clue how to talk to women.Copy !req
896. Just ask a question, okay?
That's it.Copy !req
897. Because women do not care
about what you have to say...Copy !req
898. at all anyway, you know.Copy !req
899. And all they want to do
is talk about themselves.Copy !req
900. So you're just gonna
let them do that.Copy !req
901. Okay? So remember.Copy !req
902. Questions, be cool,
and be kind of a dick.Copy !req
903. Here, be David Caruso in Jade.Copy !req
904. Okay. I know exactly
what you're talking about.Copy !req
905. You do. That's good.Copy !req
906. There she is.Copy !req
907. Go plant that seed, man.Copy !req
908. Plant it with your finger.Copy !req
909. Can I help you?Copy !req
910. I don't know. Can you?Copy !req
911. Are you looking for something?Copy !req
912. Is there something
I should be looking for?Copy !req
913. We have a lot of books.Copy !req
914. So, maybe it depends
on what you like.Copy !req
915. What do you like?Copy !req
916. We have a great section of...Copy !req
917. do-it-yourself.Copy !req
918. Do you like to "do it yourself"?Copy !req
919. Sometimes. I mean...Copy !req
920. if the mood strikes.Copy !req
921. How is the mood striking you now?Copy !req
922. What's your name?Copy !req
923. What's your name?Copy !req
924. I'm Beth.Copy !req
925. Andy.Copy !req
926. Andy.Copy !req
927. - Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?
- I wont.Copy !req
928. Unless you want to be told on...Copy !req
929. Beth.Copy !req
930. Wow. That totally worked!Copy !req
931. I literally said nothing.
And she found me fascinating.Copy !req
932. I would've thought
you were doing that for years.Copy !req
933. - Should I have asked her out?
- No. That's the key.Copy !req
934. You wait for it to grow into a plant...Copy !req
935. and then you fuck the plant.Copy !req
936. Okay.Copy !req
937. This is easy.Copy !req
938. All right.Copy !req
939. Hello, Trish. How you doing?
What's going on?Copy !req
940. Good joke.Copy !req
941. This is a fun conversation.Copy !req
942. Just grow a backbone
and call her.Copy !req
943. She asked you to call her.
She wants you to call her.Copy !req
944. Hello.Copy !req
945. Hey, how you doing?Copy !req
946. - How you doing?
- I'm well.Copy !req
947. Who is this?Copy !req
948. - This is James.
- James. Do I know you, James?Copy !req
949. I was wondering whether
you had a few minutes...Copy !req
950. to talk about
a little laundry detergent.Copy !req
951. Are you a telemarketer, James?Copy !req
952. Yep.Copy !req
953. Are you at the top
of a tall building?Copy !req
954. Can you get to a roof quickly?
Jump off!Copy !req
955. I mean, you people are sick.Copy !req
956. Get a real fucking job,
why don't you?Copy !req
957. Go shoot yourself
in the fucking head.Copy !req
958. Hey, why don't you just, you know,
get a knife and run into it?Copy !req
959. Why don't you do that, huh?Copy !req
960. - Okay.
- I'll see you later, James.Copy !req
961. - Nice to talk to you.
- Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.Copy !req
962. Oh.Copy !req
963. Hey, man.
Got a big box of porn for you.Copy !req
964. - Can I come in?
- Yeah.Copy !req
965. Sweet video game chair.Copy !req
966. So what's in the box?Copy !req
967. It's my personal collection
of erotica.Copy !req
968. I want to give it to you.Copy !req
969. I think there might be a few tapes
in there that just might open up...Copy !req
970. Pandora's box of love.Copy !req
971. Okay.Copy !req
972. Amy and I, we used to watch
Harry Twatter...Copy !req
973. and we'd put it on the television...Copy !req
974. and then act it out
as it was going on...Copy !req
975. and it was...Copy !req
976. She's adorable.Copy !req
977. Fucking bitch.Copy !req
978. Well, you know,
this is really gracious and kind...Copy !req
979. and generous and everything.Copy !req
980. But I just don't want
a big box of porn in my apartment.Copy !req
981. There's some really
great stuff in here.Copy !req
982. Really great movies in here,
man.Copy !req
983. Hey, did you ever see
School of Rock?Copy !req
984. - Yeah.
- Well, this is...Copy !req
985. It's called School of...Copy !req
986. You know...Copy !req
987. - That's nice.
- But it stars Jack Black Cock.Copy !req
988. That makes sense.Copy !req
989. Dude, here it is.Copy !req
990. Boner Jams '03.
It's a mixed tape I made.Copy !req
991. All these great scenes that I was
really into in the summer of 2003.Copy !req
992. - I think you'd really dig it.
- Yeah. Now I can see that.Copy !req
993. This is...Copy !req
994. Everybody Loves Raymond.Copy !req
995. That's probably not supposed to be...Copy !req
996. This is a good show.
I just tape it sometimes.Copy !req
997. Well, I don't think
you understand something, Dave.Copy !req
998. I don't want this stuff, okay?
Because I don't do that, that much.Copy !req
999. - What, masturbate?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1000. Dude, I've jacked it twice
since I've been here.Copy !req
1001. - Are you kidding me? Why not?
- It's not a hobby of mine.Copy !req
1002. Well, then, that's the only hobby
you don't have.Copy !req
1003. No, seriously, I just don't feel
comfortable talking about...Copy !req
1004. You need to.
You're wound up.Copy !req
1005. You're like one of these
action figures...Copy !req
1006. all hermetically sealed in your box.Copy !req
1007. - You gotta play with...
- Don't!Copy !req
1008. Don't take it out!Copy !req
1009. I'm sorry.
You know what, it's just...Copy !req
1010. It loses its value if you
take it out of its packaging.Copy !req
1011. I'm just saying, let it out.
Give it some air, man. Play with it.Copy !req
1012. - Take your porn with you.
- I'm not taking it.Copy !req
1013. Take your box-o-porn.Copy !req
1014. - It's my gift to you.
- No. I don't want it.Copy !req
1015. David, it's not...Copy !req
1016. Andy, for the last time...Copy !req
1017. I don't want your giant box
of pornography.Copy !req
1018. No, no, no!
Come on, man.Copy !req
1019. So uncool.Copy !req
1020. Uncool?Copy !req
1021. Uncool is trying to give an honest man
a big box of porn, Andy.Copy !req
1022. For the last time,
I don't want to watch...Copy !req
1023. School of Cock with you.Copy !req
1024. It's nothing official.Copy !req
1025. Just a little token
of my appreciation.Copy !req
1026. Hi, Andy.
I'm gonna talk dirty to you.Copy !req
1027. I want to have
lots of sexy sex with you.Copy !req
1028. I want to touch your big,
fat noodle...Copy !req
1029. 'cause I want to have
naughty intercourse with you.Copy !req
1030. I want you to put your penis on,
I mean, in me, Andy.Copy !req
1031. I want to do lots of,
lots of sexy...Copy !req
1032. hot things with you. Shit.Copy !req
1033. This really isn't working, Andy.
I don't know what to say...Copy !req
1034. because I am you.Copy !req
1035. Okay. New tape.Copy !req
1036. Nothing is ever good enough
and it's always our fault.Copy !req
1037. Hey, you can't speak
to your mother like that.Copy !req
1038. - You do.
- She's not my mother.Copy !req
1039. I heard Dave gave you
the box of porn.Copy !req
1040. Yeah, he did.Copy !req
1041. You ever watch, like,
Primetime Live...Copy !req
1042. when they take a black light
into a hotel room...Copy !req
1043. and show you all the semen
all over the bedspread?Copy !req
1044. Yeah.Copy !req
1045. You blind someone with that box.Copy !req
1046. Could see that thing from space.Copy !req
1047. This right here, you looking at
the Bentley of big screen TVs.Copy !req
1048. I'm talking about, this is the Rolls-Royce
of big screens...Copy !req
1049. Sometimes, I think these butterflies
are in here.Copy !req
1050. I think he might be fooling us all,
though.Copy !req
1051. Really?Copy !req
1052. I actually think he might be,
like, some genius...Copy !req
1053. and this is like some big,
like, hilarious...Copy !req
1054. Like he's bored at work and he
just wanted to kick up some shit...Copy !req
1055. so he told us all he's a virgin.Copy !req
1056. You're seeing that a lot of stuff
that's not there.Copy !req
1057. You're just projecting all over him.Copy !req
1058. He might be an idiot savant...Copy !req
1059. but he's not, like,
clever enough to go that deep.Copy !req
1060. But he's got a great body.Copy !req
1061. - Would you fuck him?
- In a New York minute.Copy !req
1062. - You would fuck him?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
1063. Hey, Andy, what are you doing
for lunch?Copy !req
1064. I don't know.
I have a turkey sandwich.Copy !req
1065. We're gonna go around the corner.
I think you should come with us.Copy !req
1066. There's this great place.
A lot of cute girls.Copy !req
1067. I don't know. Okay.Copy !req
1068. We brought you a shirt.Copy !req
1069. This place is pretty fancy.Copy !req
1070. Something going on?Copy !req
1071. Hey, who's ready
to have some fun?Copy !req
1072. Hey, guys...Copy !req
1073. No, don't ignore me.
I know what this is.Copy !req
1074. Within one hour,
you'll each have 20 dates.Copy !req
1075. Don't... Please don't do this.
I saw this on Primetime Live.Copy !req
1076. All right, ninja master.Copy !req
1077. We've given you all the advice
we have to give.Copy !req
1078. Now you gonna put it in action.Copy !req
1079. Advice? You guys all
gave me different advice.Copy !req
1080. - He thinks you're a pothead.
- I am.Copy !req
1081. Dude. Hey, partner.
What are you whining about?Copy !req
1082. - You asked for this shit.
- No, I didn't.Copy !req
1083. Will you just quit whining
like a bitch?Copy !req
1084. - I'm not whining like a bitch.
- You are whining like a bitch.Copy !req
1085. And you about to cram
like 10 years of pimpage into one day.Copy !req
1086. - I don't want to cram pimpage.
- And after that...Copy !req
1087. you on my level. Come on.Copy !req
1088. - Just ask questions.
- This is a bad idea.Copy !req
1089. - Hi.
- Hi. How are you?Copy !req
1090. I'm fine.Copy !req
1091. Are you fine?Copy !req
1092. Yeah.Copy !req
1093. You're fine then?Copy !req
1094. Are you fucking retarded?
What the hell's the matter with you?Copy !req
1095. Do you want me to be fucking retarded?Copy !req
1096. When I look into the eyes
of the children and the parents...Copy !req
1097. and they are smiling and saying:Copy !req
1098. "Thank you, Dr. Montalban,
you saved my child"...Copy !req
1099. it was worth it.Copy !req
1100. Amy...Copy !req
1101. - ... what are you doing here?
- David.Copy !req
1102. - And you are Gina?
- Gina.Copy !req
1103. - Hey, what's up?
- Nothing.Copy !req
1104. Look, I'm going to be
real honest with you.Copy !req
1105. It's been a long time
since I've been with a man.Copy !req
1106. Spent a lot of time with the ladies.Copy !req
1107. Looking to get back up
on that pogo stick.Copy !req
1108. - You know what I'm saying?
- Excuse me.Copy !req
1109. Remember that time when we made love
and you cried in my arms?Copy !req
1110. Please don't reminisce about
the times we fucked, please.Copy !req
1111. - It's so creepy.
- Let's go to Paris.Copy !req
1112. I want to take you underneath
the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.Copy !req
1113. - Cut it out.
- Cut what out?Copy !req
1114. This go to Paris! We've been broken up
for like two years, man.Copy !req
1115. I don't want to date you anymore.Copy !req
1116. - You're a whore.
- I am not a whore.Copy !req
1117. I just didn't like you.Copy !req
1118. This is so us.Copy !req
1119. - Psycho talk.
- What?Copy !req
1120. - You're a good-looking man.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1121. Very pretty.
Real soft, delicate features.Copy !req
1122. You're real feminine, you know,
which is good for me...Copy !req
1123. because that would be
a simple sort of transition.Copy !req
1124. You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
1125. Maybe throw a little rouge
on you, tuck your sac back.Copy !req
1126. - You game?
- No.Copy !req
1127. You need to stop fucking around
with my friend, okay?Copy !req
1128. Because you're giving him hope,
and it's driving the man crazy.Copy !req
1129. I moved, I changed my e-mail address,
my phone number.Copy !req
1130. He's practically stalking me.Copy !req
1131. Well, I didn't know all that.
So, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1132. I love Minnesota.Copy !req
1133. I grew up in a town
outside of Minneapolis...Copy !req
1134. with a population of, like,
500 people. Really small.Copy !req
1135. Yeah, it's like
the Land of a Thousand Lakes.Copy !req
1136. What about you? You're used to, like,
a really big city.Copy !req
1137. Really... God, yes.Copy !req
1138. The town that I grew up in
was really small. I mean...Copy !req
1139. you know, it was just so safe.
There was no crime.Copy !req
1140. I mean, a girl could just walk
from one end of town to the other...Copy !req
1141. and just, you know,
feel completely safe.Copy !req
1142. You suppose he's had enough?Copy !req
1143. Spank bank has once again been filled.Copy !req
1144. I'll tell you who's the hottest.Copy !req
1145. You're gonna think I'm crazy.
Let me tell you. Gina.Copy !req
1146. Can't get va-Gina out of my head.
Va-Gina all week.Copy !req
1147. - You know what's a fun game?
- Huh?Copy !req
1148. You take three Excedrin PMs...Copy !req
1149. and you see if you could whack off
before you fall asleep.Copy !req
1150. You always win is the best part
about the game.Copy !req
1151. - Are you Andy?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1152. Is this yours?
Did you write this stuff?Copy !req
1153. My girlfriend, Jill,
found your speed-dating card.Copy !req
1154. Yeah, right.Copy !req
1155. God, I've been looking
for that speed-dating card.Copy !req
1156. Thank you so much
for bringing it to me.Copy !req
1157. So, you actually wrote
that one girl looked like...Copy !req
1158. she was
"hurting for a squirting"?Copy !req
1159. Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Hurting for a squirting,
I wrote that.Copy !req
1160. So you wrote "ho fo show. "Copy !req
1161. Yeah, I remember that girl.
She was a ho.Copy !req
1162. Fo show.Copy !req
1163. Let me show you
how this device works.Copy !req
1164. Right, I'm just looking
for a cordless phone.Copy !req
1165. Yup, it's great. You can do anything,
make video diaries...Copy !req
1166. Hey, Amy, how's it going?
How you feeling? I'm great.Copy !req
1167. I feel fantastic since we broke up.Copy !req
1168. I feel awesome!Copy !req
1169. Can you just show me the department
where there would be phones?Copy !req
1170. How have you been?
What's been going on...Copy !req
1171. I bet... Hey, have you been
doing a lot of this?Copy !req
1172. Sir, please, sir.Copy !req
1173. You are never gonna meet anybody...Copy !req
1174. with that kind of mentality about women,
you sick son of a bitch.Copy !req
1175. Who the fuck are you
to put me on trial?Copy !req
1176. I've never even met you.Copy !req
1177. So why don't you back the shit off,
all right?Copy !req
1178. And stop with the inquisition.Copy !req
1179. That's how you talk?Copy !req
1180. You know what,
I don't have to answer to you.Copy !req
1181. You ain't my bitch.Copy !req
1182. Know what I saying?Copy !req
1183. So, shit, man. Fuck it.Copy !req
1184. You shouldn't even be
hanging out with this pervert.Copy !req
1185. I don't hang out with him.
I work with him and that's it.Copy !req
1186. I tried to introduce him
to a few nice people...Copy !req
1187. he made a fool of himself.Copy !req
1188. I don't mess with him, baby.
That's not me.Copy !req
1189. You should keep your ho
on a leash.Copy !req
1190. - Bro, I can't let you...
- Hey.Copy !req
1191. I can't let you be talking
to my woman like that, dawg.Copy !req
1192. - Know what I'm saying?
- Bitch is running wild, man.Copy !req
1193. You miss that ass?
That's the ass of a free man.Copy !req
1194. That ass is going out tonight,
maybe to a club.Copy !req
1195. Maybe to a night club.Copy !req
1196. Hey, Andy...Copy !req
1197. - ... take a look at your pal.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
1198. Yeah, he's performing
a public colonoscopy.Copy !req
1199. Isn't that sweet?Copy !req
1200. I'm gonna send
David home for the day...Copy !req
1201. and you're gonna fill in for him.Copy !req
1202. - What? Selling things?
- You got that right.Copy !req
1203. I don't think that's a good idea.Copy !req
1204. And you're gonna have to
talk to people, too.Copy !req
1205. I know that's a frightening
concept to you...Copy !req
1206. but I think you can handle it.Copy !req
1207. So get out there
and start selling some shit.Copy !req
1208. thing for Amy.Copy !req
1209. - Hold it.
- Check it out.Copy !req
1210. I miss her.Copy !req
1211. Dude, the floor's
the ultimate aphrodisiac.Copy !req
1212. All you got to do
is go make your pick now.Copy !req
1213. - Come on, man.
- Okay.Copy !req
1214. And you could act
a little enthused about it.Copy !req
1215. Yeah.Copy !req
1216. That's right. That's right.
Gazelle in the pink top.Copy !req
1217. - Oh, shit.
- Hi.Copy !req
1218. Looks like you're
checking out digital cameras.Copy !req
1219. You know what, he ain't going
to do it willingly.Copy !req
1220. No. We need to, like,
really facilitate things a bit more.Copy !req
1221. - Yo, Andy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1222. What's up, dude?
This is Jay, man.Copy !req
1223. Hey, Jay.Copy !req
1224. I am throwing a party tonight.Copy !req
1225. It's gonna be real mellow,
just chilled up.Copy !req
1226. Now, you really
need to be there.Copy !req
1227. It's gonna be really, really colorful.Copy !req
1228. Are you free?Copy !req
1229. Yeah, I think so.Copy !req
1230. That was a joke, man.
I know you're free.Copy !req
1231. - I'm okay.
- Gotta go, man.Copy !req
1232. All right, bye.Copy !req
1233. So, tell me, Montel...Copy !req
1234. why weren't we invited to the party?
What are we, Al-Qaeda?Copy !req
1235. No, hold up.Copy !req
1236. - No, no.
- It's not that kind of party, y'all.Copy !req
1237. You're not coming
to our fucking party either, okay?Copy !req
1238. Fuck you, okay?Copy !req
1239. First of all,
it ain't that kind of party.Copy !req
1240. - Go fuck a goat.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1241. Why you always telling me
to fuck a goat, man?Copy !req
1242. Fuck a goat!Copy !req
1243. Hello?Copy !req
1244. Hello?Copy !req
1245. Hello.Copy !req
1246. Hello. Hi.Copy !req
1247. - Are you here for Jay's party?
- Yes.Copy !req
1248. I am Jay's party.Copy !req
1249. You know what, hiring a transvestite
prostitute isn't helping me, man.Copy !req
1250. What? Ain't nobody hired
no damn transvestite.Copy !req
1251. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1252. She was really nice, incidentally.Copy !req
1253. If that sister was a transvestite...Copy !req
1254. that was the Mona Lisa
of transvestites.Copy !req
1255. You got a hummer from the tranny,
didn't you?Copy !req
1256. You know, aren't we owed one now?
'Cause technically we paid her.Copy !req
1257. Get a dick, man.Copy !req
1258. Do you guys even like me?Copy !req
1259. Or is this some sort of cruel joke
that you're all in on?Copy !req
1260. Because I'm not a freak.
I'm a good person.Copy !req
1261. I always thought that Matt Damon
was like a Streisand, but...Copy !req
1262. I think that he's rocking
the shit in this one.Copy !req
1263. Shut up, Dave!Copy !req
1264. Hold up. Let's just chill
on the aggression for a minute.Copy !req
1265. Look at him.
He is such a bad ass.Copy !req
1266. He looks just like Luke Wilson.Copy !req
1267. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
1268. So you saying she was definitely a man?Copy !req
1269. Yes.Copy !req
1270. Okay, well, how do you know
that she was a man?Copy !req
1271. Because her hands were
as big as André the Giant's.Copy !req
1272. And she had an Adam's apple
as big as her balls.Copy !req
1273. So you have no proof.Copy !req
1274. You know what?
Just leave me alone.Copy !req
1275. Just stay away from me.
Or I'm gonna tell Paula...Copy !req
1276. that you're all stealing
the recordable CDs.Copy !req
1277. - Come on.
- That's like we were paid to do it.Copy !req
1278. We did this 'cause we're your friends...Copy !req
1279. and we didn't think you have
the balls to do it yourself.Copy !req
1280. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1281. Okay, watch this.Copy !req
1282. Yo, Andy, it's just CDs, man.Copy !req
1283. That's a third strike for me, dawg.Copy !req
1284. Hi.Copy !req
1285. - Andy. Hi.
- Right, yeah.Copy !req
1286. - You remember my name.
- I did.Copy !req
1287. - How you doing?
- I'm great. I like your store.Copy !req
1288. That's good, yeah.
If you have time, look around. It's...Copy !req
1289. Okay.Copy !req
1290. How's business been?Copy !req
1291. You know, it's coming along.
I mean, it takes a while.Copy !req
1292. - Do you want to go out sometime?
- Yes.Copy !req
1293. Yes, I would like that.
That would be great.Copy !req
1294. I think I'm maybe free this weekend,
if that's okay.Copy !req
1295. Or you could call me tomorrow
and we can just firm it up.Copy !req
1296. - Okay. Great.
- Great.Copy !req
1297. Okay, so I'll call you,
and yeah, that'll be good.Copy !req
1298. - How you doing?
- Congratulations.Copy !req
1299. Okay, so I'll... Yeah.Copy !req
1300. Can I help you?Copy !req
1301. Yeah, these are wonderful.
I'll take these.Copy !req
1302. Thanks, they are. They're great.
The goldfish just crack me up.Copy !req
1303. Funny.Copy !req
1304. - Yeah, they are.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1305. - Yeah.
- They're cute.Copy !req
1306. I don't actually sell anything here.
I just sell them on eBay.Copy !req
1307. I don't get it.Copy !req
1308. Okay.Copy !req
1309. - Can you help me?
- No, you're on your own here.Copy !req
1310. Good luck to you, and to you.
And I'll give you a call.Copy !req
1311. - Great. Nice to see you.
- Great. Thanks for coming in.Copy !req
1312. Bye.Copy !req
1313. So, I guess I'll just
give you some money...Copy !req
1314. and you can give me
these shoes and...Copy !req
1315. You know,
I know it seems so strange...Copy !req
1316. Yes. I'd just rather buy them
from you straight up.Copy !req
1317. Yeah, I know.
I wish it could be that easy, but...Copy !req
1318. I wish, too, but you're making it
extremely difficult for me.Copy !req
1319. I'm just trying to get these shoes
back to my house...Copy !req
1320. so I can wear them.Copy !req
1321. I got a corpse in my way.Copy !req
1322. Look out. Just kill it.Copy !req
1323. That's just so not fair
that you have blades and...Copy !req
1324. I'm telling you, man,
I feel great.Copy !req
1325. I'm so...
It's like a weight has been lifted.Copy !req
1326. Celibacy is the way to go, man.
Andy had it right, you know?Copy !req
1327. Look at him.
He looks younger than all of us...Copy !req
1328. but he's 10 years older.Copy !req
1329. Why? Because he's never had
a relationship.Copy !req
1330. No she-devil sucked
his life force out yet.Copy !req
1331. - Hello?
- Hey. Hi. Hello.Copy !req
1332. Is this Trish?Copy !req
1333. - Who's calling, please?
- This is Andy.Copy !req
1334. - Hi, Andy.
- Hi, how you doing?Copy !req
1335. - I'm good. How're you doing?
- I'm doing great.Copy !req
1336. So you're gay, now?Copy !req
1337. No, I'm not gay.
I'm just celibate.Copy !req
1338. I think...
I mean, that sounds gay.Copy !req
1339. I just want you to know
that this is the first conversation...Copy !req
1340. of three conversations
that leads to you being gay.Copy !req
1341. There's this and then in a year
it's like, "You know...Copy !req
1342. "I'm kind of going to wanna get back
out there, but I think I like guys. "Copy !req
1343. And then there's the big,
"I'm a gay guy now. "Copy !req
1344. - You're gay for saying that.
- I'm gay for saying that?Copy !req
1345. - You know how I know you're gay?
- How? How do you know I'm gay?Copy !req
1346. 'Cause you macraméd yourself
a pair of jean shorts.Copy !req
1347. You know how I know you're gay?Copy !req
1348. You just told me you're not sleeping
with women anymore.Copy !req
1349. - You know how I know you're gay?
- How?Copy !req
1350. 'Cause you're gay and you can tell
who other gay people are?Copy !req
1351. - Do you know how I know you're gay?
- How?Copy !req
1352. You like Coldplay.Copy !req
1353. You're dead.Copy !req
1354. Come on.Copy !req
1355. Leave my torso alone at least.Copy !req
1356. I also wanted to call...Copy !req
1357. and see what night
you might want to go out.Copy !req
1358. I'm actually free tonight.Copy !req
1359. Okay. Now, I was thinking maybe
this weekend, but that's good. Okay.Copy !req
1360. Great.Copy !req
1361. Okay, what time
do you want to pick me up?Copy !req
1362. Let's see.Copy !req
1363. That's actually kind of a problem
because I ride a bike.Copy !req
1364. That's cool.
Are you kidding me?Copy !req
1365. I love getting on the back
of a motorcycle.Copy !req
1366. My boyfriend in college
drove a motorcycle.Copy !req
1367. So, I mean, I'm cool.Copy !req
1368. Yeah, I bet that was cool.
I ride a bicycle.Copy !req
1369. You know how I know that you're gay?Copy !req
1370. How?Copy !req
1371. You like the movie
Maid in Manhattan.Copy !req
1372. - You know how I know you're gay?
- How?Copy !req
1373. I saw you make a spinach dip
in a loaf of sourdough bread once.Copy !req
1374. - You know how I know you're gay?
- How?Copy !req
1375. You have a rainbow bumper sticker
on your car that says:Copy !req
1376. "I love it when balls are in my face. "Copy !req
1377. That's gay?Copy !req
1378. God damn it!Copy !req
1379. I'm ripping your head off right now.
It's off.Copy !req
1380. And now I'm throwing it
at your body.Copy !req
1381. Fuck you!Copy !req
1382. You guys...Copy !req
1383. she's picking me up in an hour.Copy !req
1384. Oh, drag, dude.Copy !req
1385. - She's picking you up from here?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1386. That's fucked up, man.Copy !req
1387. - Why?
- Why?Copy !req
1388. Seriously. I mean,
look at this place, man.Copy !req
1389. You gotta see this through
the eyes of a woman, you know?Copy !req
1390. What is she going to think
when she comes in here? Look.Copy !req
1391. - He's got a billion toys.
- So what?Copy !req
1392. And more video games
than a teenaged Asian kid.Copy !req
1393. It's all right.Copy !req
1394. Is that the
Six Million Dollar Man's boss?Copy !req
1395. It's Oscar Goldman.Copy !req
1396. - Why do you have that?
- That's worth a lot of money.Copy !req
1397. That's much more valuable
than Steve Austin.Copy !req
1398. Well, that may be the case.
But none of this shit is sexy, okay?Copy !req
1399. I'm not trying to be sexy, man.Copy !req
1400. I mean, seriously, Asia?Copy !req
1401. You framed an Asia poster?Copy !req
1402. How hard did the people
at the frame store laugh...Copy !req
1403. - ... when you brought this in?
- They did not laugh at me.Copy !req
1404. - Know why you're gay?
- Because you like Asia.Copy !req
1405. You guys cool it with the gay.Copy !req
1406. You know, she's on her way
over here, okay?Copy !req
1407. First, you relax, okay?Copy !req
1408. Just stop calming me down
and tell me what I should do.Copy !req
1409. Okay, we just take everything
that's embarrassing...Copy !req
1410. and we move it out of here.Copy !req
1411. So it doesn't look like
you live in Neverland Ranch.Copy !req
1412. - Hi.
- Hi. How are you?Copy !req
1413. Good.Copy !req
1414. So, you wanna head out?Copy !req
1415. Did you just move in or something?Copy !req
1416. No. Actually I'm getting
new carpet in.Copy !req
1417. I'm having carpet put in tomorrow, so...Copy !req
1418. - Well, you know.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1419. - Okay.
- Looks good with the floors.Copy !req
1420. - Yeah.
- All right.Copy !req
1421. I should tear up the hard wood...Copy !req
1422. and see if there's carpet underneath.Copy !req
1423. That's never the case.Copy !req
1424. - This is gonna be fun.
- Yes.Copy !req
1425. You know,
I drive by this place every day.Copy !req
1426. I've never been in before.Copy !req
1427. I'm glad you came.Copy !req
1428. You know, I never really go out
with nice guys like you.Copy !req
1429. I think I've avoided nice guys
like you my whole life...Copy !req
1430. at my own peril.Copy !req
1431. My last boyfriend drank a lot.Copy !req
1432. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
1433. - And so...
- This is just punch.Copy !req
1434. No, it's okay.
A little bit's fine.Copy !req
1435. Buddha punch.
I need some Buddha.Copy !req
1436. Excuse me, miss.
Could you gather your team...Copy !req
1437. and sing happy birthday
for my daughter, please?Copy !req
1438. - That was so good. What?
- That was great. Happy birthday.Copy !req
1439. - It's your birthday, too?
- No.Copy !req
1440. - It's his birthday, too.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
1441. Could you sing for him
and bring him a cake?Copy !req
1442. Happy birthday.Copy !req
1443. - Thanks a lot.
- Happy birthday, Andy.Copy !req
1444. - You really like kissing, don't you?
- Yes.Copy !req
1445. I really do.Copy !req
1446. Take off your pants, okay?Copy !req
1447. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
1448. - Wow, this is really gonna happen.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1449. Thank God.Copy !req
1450. - Okay, I'm taking off my pants.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1451. Do you need some help?Copy !req
1452. I think I almost got them.
It's hooked on my ankle.Copy !req
1453. Wow, that's...Copy !req
1454. Hey, wait.
Do you have protection?Copy !req
1455. I don't like guns.Copy !req
1456. That's funny.Copy !req
1457. I have condoms right here. Okay?Copy !req
1458. - Okay.
- There's, you know...Copy !req
1459. Check the expiration date because
they were from when I was married.Copy !req
1460. And we didn't have sex that often.
That's why there are so many, okay?Copy !req
1461. Okay.Copy !req
1462. I got them.Copy !req
1463. How does this go?Copy !req
1464. Okay. "Roll over the tip
and down onto the base. "Copy !req
1465. Over the balls?Copy !req
1466. It doesn't say.Copy !req
1467. Do you mind if I use your magnum?Copy !req
1468. Yeah.Copy !req
1469. Wow. You got to be kidding.Copy !req
1470. I am Aquaman.Copy !req
1471. What is that?Copy !req
1472. Mom?Copy !req
1473. What's going on here?Copy !req
1474. - Who the hell are you?
- It's Andy.Copy !req
1475. Hi, I'm Andy.Copy !req
1476. God! What are you doing?Copy !req
1477. Marla, get the fuck out of my room!Copy !req
1478. You know what...Copy !req
1479. I cannot believe that you're allowed
to have sex when I'm not!Copy !req
1480. - That is so unfair.
- I'm gonna head out.Copy !req
1481. You should go.Copy !req
1482. Oh, Jesus!
How many times did you just do it?Copy !req
1483. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1484. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
1485. Dude, teach me.Copy !req
1486. Hotline.Copy !req
1487. Hi, yes, I'm calling
because it's more than four hours...Copy !req
1488. and your ad said to call
if it's been more than four hours.Copy !req
1489. How much of the medicine
have you taken, sir?Copy !req
1490. I haven't taken any,
but your ad said...Copy !req
1491. that if you've had an erection
for more than four hours, you call.Copy !req
1492. You're only supposed to call
if you've taken the medicine.Copy !req
1493. Okay. I'm sorry.
I must not have heard that part.Copy !req
1494. Yes. If you haven't taken
the medicine, you don't call.Copy !req
1495. Right. I'm sorry. Right.Copy !req
1496. So, there's nothing you can do?Copy !req
1497. - I just don't wanna...
- There's nothing I can do.Copy !req
1498. I'm in Bombay, India.Copy !req
1499. Okay. No, not you personally.
I just don't want...Copy !req
1500. I just don't want
to have an erection anymore.Copy !req
1501. You know,
you could have sex.Copy !req
1502. Okay. Yup.Copy !req
1503. That's one thing people do
when they have an erection.Copy !req
1504. Yeah, that's not an option.
I don't have sex.Copy !req
1505. Okay, well,
then you can masturbate.Copy !req
1506. I'd rather not masturbate.Copy !req
1507. If you'd like the erection
to go away, you can light a match...Copy !req
1508. blow out the flame and put
the hot ember on your wrist.Copy !req
1509. And that will focus
the brain elsewhere...Copy !req
1510. - ... and you will lose your erection.
- Really? That'd work?Copy !req
1511. Take your finger
and flick your testicle...Copy !req
1512. and if you do that till it hurts...Copy !req
1513. - ... your erection will go away.
- Okay, all right.Copy !req
1514. It sounds unpleasant and it is.Copy !req
1515. It is a trick we use in India.Copy !req
1516. Okay, those are all good pieces of advice.
I really appreciate it.Copy !req
1517. We appreciate your business.Copy !req
1518. Oh, no.
We didn't get your business...Copy !req
1519. No, not this time. I guess
I didn't need you this time. Thank you.Copy !req
1520. My goodness, Andy,
you are a terrific salesman.Copy !req
1521. - Thank you.
- Gosh, you really got it down.Copy !req
1522. - Thanks.
- And your numbers are good.Copy !req
1523. Thanks.Copy !req
1524. I'm going to put you out
on the floor full time.Copy !req
1525. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1526. Wow. Okay.Copy !req
1527. Good. We're gonna get you a blue shirt
and tie, all right?Copy !req
1528. Great. Thanks.Copy !req
1529. You know, Andy, I've been thinking
about your problem.Copy !req
1530. I think I might have
a solution for you.Copy !req
1531. You ever heard of the term
"fuck buddy"?Copy !req
1532. What?Copy !req
1533. It's a special friend...Copy !req
1534. who you fuck.Copy !req
1535. No, haven't heard that term.Copy !req
1536. When I was a little girl,
I developed early.Copy !req
1537. By the time I was 14,
I had this body you're looking at.Copy !req
1538. - Can you imagine that?
- I don't want to, no.Copy !req
1539. Well, needless to say,
a lot of male attention.Copy !req
1540. Like men, yes.Copy !req
1541. Especially from our
Guatemalan gardener, Javier.Copy !req
1542. Okay.Copy !req
1543. You know, Javier...Copy !req
1544. before he made passionate yet gentle love
to me for the first time...Copy !req
1545. he serenaded me with a beautiful
old Guatemalan love song.Copy !req
1546. Really, that's...Copy !req
1547. That sounds nice.Copy !req
1548. Okay.Copy !req
1549. My goodness.Copy !req
1550. - I think we better get back to work.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1551. - Yeah, I better go back to work.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1552. - So, okay.
- All right.Copy !req
1553. So, you mull it over
and I'll talk to you soon.Copy !req
1554. - All right, I will. Thank you.
- Okay.Copy !req
1555. What's up, dawg? What happened?
How was the date with Trish?Copy !req
1556. - It was a disaster.
- Really?Copy !req
1557. Yes. I've never been
more embarrassed in my life.Copy !req
1558. Couldn't get the condoms to work.Copy !req
1559. And one of them exploded on my balls.Copy !req
1560. And then her kid walked in the room.Copy !req
1561. Wait. Hold up.Copy !req
1562. She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?Copy !req
1563. You know what, it doesn't matter...Copy !req
1564. because it was going downhill
straight from there.Copy !req
1565. Listen, you don't want
no baby-daddy drama.Copy !req
1566. Trust me on this one, all right?Copy !req
1567. For all you know,
he in prison right now.Copy !req
1568. Let's say y'all living together.Copy !req
1569. Next thing you know, you the one
going on the 1st and the 15th...Copy !req
1570. to pick up the government check.Copy !req
1571. What if he got boys
that's on the outside...Copy !req
1572. and they stalking you?Copy !req
1573. You see what I'm saying?
You got to think, partner...Copy !req
1574. What the fuck are you talking about?Copy !req
1575. Here's what you do.
You tell her you're a virgin.Copy !req
1576. You test her with this shit, okay?Copy !req
1577. Here, tell me. Tell me.
This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.Copy !req
1578. - I'm a virgin.
- Sweet.Copy !req
1579. I like that because
you don't have chlamydia.Copy !req
1580. And I know that,
and that shit is everywhere.Copy !req
1581. What if she laughs at me, though?Copy !req
1582. Then you punch her in the fucking head
if she laughs.Copy !req
1583. I'm not going to punch her in the head.
She's really sweet.Copy !req
1584. No. I mean, you punch her
in her fucking head emotionally.Copy !req
1585. She's different. She's someone
I felt like I had...Copy !req
1586. a connection with.Copy !req
1587. All you trying to do right now
is bust off this first night.Copy !req
1588. You got a whole lot of semen
back up in you.Copy !req
1589. I am going to tell her.Copy !req
1590. - You should totally tell her, man.
- I'm going to.Copy !req
1591. 'Cause I watched this movie
called Liar Liar...Copy !req
1592. and the message was, "Don't lie. "Copy !req
1593. And that was a smart movie.Copy !req
1594. - Yeah, that's the right thing.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1595. Really? All your girlfriends
wanted to have sex with virgins, too?Copy !req
1596. That's funny. I didn't even know
you girls talked like that.Copy !req
1597. I think my first time
might be your best time, too.Copy !req
1598. Well, I knew it.
You know what...Copy !req
1599. I knew that you'd react that way
and I knew that...Copy !req
1600. you would want to lead me through
my first sexual encounter...Copy !req
1601. with all the compassion
and care that someone...Copy !req
1602. would give to their soul mate.Copy !req
1603. Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.Copy !req
1604. Hey, Andy.Copy !req
1605. You watching Survivor tonight?Copy !req
1606. No, actually I'm going out to dinner
with somebody.Copy !req
1607. Hi.Copy !req
1608. This is her.Copy !req
1609. - Trish, this is Joe and Sara.
- Hi.Copy !req
1610. - Hi, Trish.
- Hey.Copy !req
1611. But tape it for me, okay?Copy !req
1612. - Will do. All right.
- Thanks.Copy !req
1613. - So long.
- Bye-bye.Copy !req
1614. - See you later.
- Have a good night.Copy !req
1615. Yeah, my man's gonna get it on tonight.Copy !req
1616. Yes, sir.Copy !req
1617. Yeah, and you better get on me, too.Copy !req
1618. What is wrong with this woman?Copy !req
1619. Mercy, mercy, mercy.Copy !req
1620. I'm so sorry that happened
the other night.Copy !req
1621. No, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1622. - Oh, my God.
- That was me.Copy !req
1623. No.Copy !req
1624. Let me...
I have something I want to tell you.Copy !req
1625. Kind of hard to talk about.Copy !req
1626. But...Copy !req
1627. you know, there are certain things...Copy !req
1628. about who I am that...Copy !req
1629. I'm sorry.
I just have to get this off my chest.Copy !req
1630. I am so sorry,
I didn't tell you I had kids.Copy !req
1631. Yeah, what was that about?Copy !req
1632. Gosh. You know,
that really surprised me.Copy !req
1633. No, you should have
told me probably, but...Copy !req
1634. I'm sorry. I know.Copy !req
1635. What do I care if you have a kid?Copy !req
1636. Well, I have two kids.Copy !req
1637. Wow. Okay.
How old are they?Copy !req
1638. Six.Copy !req
1639. Sixteen.Copy !req
1640. Twenty-one.Copy !req
1641. Forty-two.Copy !req
1642. Fifty-six.
How many kids do you have?Copy !req
1643. - I have three.
- Okay, three.Copy !req
1644. Yeah, and one of them
has a kid.Copy !req
1645. A one-year-old.Copy !req
1646. That's cool. That's great.Copy !req
1647. - I'm really glad we're doing this.
- Me, too.Copy !req
1648. Listen, Andy...Copy !req
1649. I don't want to send you running
for the hills or anything, but...Copy !req
1650. I really feel like if we decide to
do this again, then...Copy !req
1651. maybe we should hold off
on the physical part for a while.Copy !req
1652. That is a fantastic idea.Copy !req
1653. Why didn't I think of that?Copy !req
1654. - Really?
- Totally.Copy !req
1655. - No sex?
- No. Why do that?Copy !req
1656. Because here's the thing.Copy !req
1657. From personal experience...Copy !req
1658. I found that sex can really
complicate things.Copy !req
1659. And what we should be doing right now
is getting to know each other.Copy !req
1660. Yeah.Copy !req
1661. Well, I never thought
you'd go for it.Copy !req
1662. I'm going for it.Copy !req
1663. Well, that just is a great,
great notion.Copy !req
1664. Are you serious?Copy !req
1665. Look at my face.
Look at how serious I am.Copy !req
1666. Can you see my nostrils?Copy !req
1667. - Yes.
- That's serious.Copy !req
1668. That's more angry.Copy !req
1669. Yeah, you know what,
most guys would be saying:Copy !req
1670. "Yeah," right now, but, like,
by the third date, it would be:Copy !req
1671. "Hey, baby, I really need to
physically express how I feel"...Copy !req
1672. - ... and all that stuff.
- Well, hey, baby...Copy !req
1673. you know, three dates...
Make it 10, 10 dates.Copy !req
1674. How about 15?Copy !req
1675. Fifteen. Screw your 15.
20 dates.Copy !req
1676. - Okay, 20 dates.
- Twenty dates.Copy !req
1677. - Okay.
- This is genius.Copy !req
1678. It's gonna hurt.Copy !req
1679. Not as much as you think.Copy !req
1680. We can really get to know
each other this way.Copy !req
1681. Yeah.Copy !req
1682. - This is one, right?
- No, next one.Copy !req
1683. Is it safe to come in,
or are you guys doing it?Copy !req
1684. Honey, it's safe.Copy !req
1685. Great.Copy !req
1686. Well, good timing.Copy !req
1687. - Yeah.
- You remember Marla.Copy !req
1688. - Hi, we met.
- And this is my little bunny rabbit.Copy !req
1689. - Julia.
- Hey.Copy !req
1690. - This is Andy.
- Julia, how you doing?Copy !req
1691. You know what,
do you by any chance like magic?Copy !req
1692. - Yeah.
- I thought that you might.Copy !req
1693. Because I noticed on the way in...Copy !req
1694. that you had something shiny
behind your ear.Copy !req
1695. Marla, did you see that?
Something behind her ear?Copy !req
1696. You think you do?
Could I check?Copy !req
1697. Do you mind if I check
behind your ear?Copy !req
1698. Big money!Copy !req
1699. - That's amazing.
- Wow, it is amazing.Copy !req
1700. There's something else, too,
behind your ear, I think.Copy !req
1701. No, actually it's not behind your ear.
I think it is your ear.Copy !req
1702. Rip!Copy !req
1703. It is your ear.
There is your ear.Copy !req
1704. I ripped it off.Copy !req
1705. - Gross!
- Yeah, that's...Copy !req
1706. All right. Wait.
Okay, but that means that you...Copy !req
1707. walk around with a rubber ear
in your pocket all day?Copy !req
1708. Yeah, like half the time.Copy !req
1709. You know, I can come
to your high school...Copy !req
1710. and do it for your friends
if you want.Copy !req
1711. You know what, I should head out.Copy !req
1712. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1713. I have to give you a ride home.Copy !req
1714. Right. Yes, you do.Copy !req
1715. Yeah, 'cause you don't have
a car or anything, right?Copy !req
1716. Right, I don't have a car.Copy !req
1717. 'Cause he doesn't have a car,
and he does magic.Copy !req
1718. Awesome.Copy !req
1719. And sarcasm is like
a second language to me.Copy !req
1720. So, I'm right there with you.Copy !req
1721. But, Dad...Copy !req
1722. I don't know how to love.Copy !req
1723. You never...Copy !req
1724. taught me how...Copy !req
1725. - Hello.
- Hey, Cal.Copy !req
1726. - Hey.
- I just got back from a date.Copy !req
1727. Did you tell her
you're a virgin?Copy !req
1728. No. I haven't gotten to that yet.Copy !req
1729. Really?
Are you having sex right now?Copy !req
1730. No. She was incredible.Copy !req
1731. She was amazing.
She didn't pressure me.Copy !req
1732. And she has three kids.Copy !req
1733. And one of her kids has a kid.Copy !req
1734. You all right?Copy !req
1735. Did you just say she has three kids,
one of whom has a kid?Copy !req
1736. - Yeah.
- So, so, she's a grandma?Copy !req
1737. No.Copy !req
1738. I'm not a doctor
or anything like that...Copy !req
1739. but she's a fucking grandma.Copy !req
1740. Yeah, whatever, you know.Copy !req
1741. She's the hottest grandma
I ever saw.Copy !req
1742. Yeah, she is.
She's a hot grandma.Copy !req
1743. That's a good-looking grandma.
My grandma looks like Jack Palance.Copy !req
1744. Well, she's no Jack Palance.Copy !req
1745. No. If Jack Palance
looked like that lady...Copy !req
1746. I would want to
fuck Jack Palance right now.Copy !req
1747. Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
1748. She's a hot grandma.Copy !req
1749. Heck, yeah.
No, do a grandma, man.Copy !req
1750. You should fuck her
on her plastic-covered couch.Copy !req
1751. Fuck her while she watches
Murder, She Wrote.Copy !req
1752. She would probably find that
very erotic.Copy !req
1753. Yeah, whatever, you know.Copy !req
1754. Fuck her and then have her send you
a check for $12 on your birthday.Copy !req
1755. I'm the dude with the hot granny.Copy !req
1756. What did you want to talk to me about?Copy !req
1757. Well, Andy, the numbers just came in...Copy !req
1758. and you are by far our best salesman.Copy !req
1759. So, I am promoting you
to floor manager.Copy !req
1760. This is the bullshit of all bullshits!Copy !req
1761. You scumbag! Ass kisser!Copy !req
1762. Thank you. That's great.Copy !req
1763. - I understand you have a girlfriend.
- Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.Copy !req
1764. - I'm very happy for you.
- Thanks. She's great.Copy !req
1765. Are you still a virgin?Copy !req
1766. You know, I don't really...Copy !req
1767. - ... talk about my personal life.
- You're a virgin.Copy !req
1768. - Yes, I am.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1769. My door is always open.Copy !req
1770. - So to speak.
- Great.Copy !req
1771. Great. Thank you.Copy !req
1772. I'm very discreet.Copy !req
1773. But I'll haunt your dreams.Copy !req
1774. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
1775. Wow.Copy !req
1776. - So who's gonna take my job?
- Cal will be taking over your job.Copy !req
1777. And he's interviewing people
right now...Copy !req
1778. for his old job.Copy !req
1779. So, have you ever worked
with electronics before?Copy !req
1780. - No.
- No?Copy !req
1781. But I have electronics in my home.Copy !req
1782. Perfect. That's the job pretty much.
You're very well-qualified.Copy !req
1783. More than these other losers.Copy !req
1784. - I could do that...
- Wait, last thing.Copy !req
1785. I'm also gonna need that
extended warranty on it...Copy !req
1786. for the price of "on the house. "Copy !req
1787. That I can't do.Copy !req
1788. Hey, don't be a Negro. Be my nigger.
All right? Help me out.Copy !req
1789. Hold up.
I ain't nobody's nigger.Copy !req
1790. I mean, you're somebody's nigger
wearing this nigger tie.Copy !req
1791. Now you being condescending.Copy !req
1792. See, you've been warned, all right?
Just move forward amicably.Copy !req
1793. Okay. Well, check this out.Copy !req
1794. First of all, you're throwing
too many big words at me.Copy !req
1795. Okay, now because
I don't understand them...Copy !req
1796. I'm gonna take them as disrespect.Copy !req
1797. Watch your mouth,
and help me with the sale.Copy !req
1798. Okay, see,
now you found yourself a nigger.Copy !req
1799. You were looking for a nigger?
Nigger here now. See?Copy !req
1800. Today's forecast:
Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by.Copy !req
1801. - You want to go?
- I suggest you move back.Copy !req
1802. Then, nig, fire on.Copy !req
1803. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
1804. What are you gonna do,
Mr. Floor Manager?Copy !req
1805. Go, get them, tiger.Copy !req
1806. This shit just got rigged.Copy !req
1807. - What are you gonna do, bitch?
- I'll tell you what.Copy !req
1808. You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?Copy !req
1809. You ever heard of, Rolling 20s, nigger?Copy !req
1810. Since I was 16, nigger,
I'm saying "frosty. "Copy !req
1811. You know what I'm saying,
"spoon", nigger.Copy !req
1812. We fucked dwarfs in the ass.Copy !req
1813. Nigger, this dwarf here
don't got to be tall...Copy !req
1814. to pull the trigger off
in somebody face!Copy !req
1815. - Come on nigger, back up.
- What's up? Hey...Copy !req
1816. Welcome to Smart Tech.Copy !req
1817. - Is this your boy?
- What can I help you with?Copy !req
1818. Yeah, nigger, we will both mash you!Copy !req
1819. - How can we help you, sir?
- Nigger, what?Copy !req
1820. No, he don't need no help.
He's already been served.Copy !req
1821. I served him. He's taken care of.
He's a little slow, but he got it.Copy !req
1822. See, what he thought was he can come up
in here and make the rules.Copy !req
1823. But now he see that Jay make the moves
at Smart Tech...Copy !req
1824. that I run this, bitch
and now he bought the bounce.Copy !req
1825. This your boy?Copy !req
1826. Yeah, that's my boy.
We represent Smart Tech.Copy !req
1827. You just got fucked up with him.Copy !req
1828. Both y'all niggers going
get clapped up when I get back.Copy !req
1829. Both of you all niggers.Copy !req
1830. - What did I do?
- It don't fucking matter!Copy !req
1831. Yeah, aim high, Willis.
Aim high!Copy !req
1832. Please don't do this.Copy !req
1833. Jay, what's going on?Copy !req
1834. Jill broke up with me.Copy !req
1835. I'm so sorry.
What happened?Copy !req
1836. I came home a little tipsy.Copy !req
1837. And I had one of my condoms
on still.Copy !req
1838. Woke up the next morning
and jumped in the shower with her.Copy !req
1839. I don't know what I was thinking.Copy !req
1840. Why did you cheat on her?Copy !req
1841. Because I'm insecure!
You can't tell?Copy !req
1842. I know, man.
It's gonna be okay.Copy !req
1843. - I'm cold.
- It's gonna be all right, man.Copy !req
1844. Seriously, man, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1845. I apologize to you. I know.Copy !req
1846. If you wanna have
a meaningful relationship...Copy !req
1847. you've got to leave the sex out of it,
man. You're right.Copy !req
1848. It's all right. You're good.Copy !req
1849. I'm sorry. Come here.
I love you, man.Copy !req
1850. Man, I love you, too.Copy !req
1851. You're a good guy.Copy !req
1852. Do you know how I know
you guys are gay?Copy !req
1853. You're holding each other
ever so gently.Copy !req
1854. Cabron.Copy !req
1855. Bravo.Copy !req
1856. At least he can cook, Mom.Copy !req
1857. I love... Spiderman.Copy !req
1858. Pull out slowly and go straight ahead.Copy !req
1859. I'm all right.Copy !req
1860. Nobody's there.Copy !req
1861. I want to know everything about you.Copy !req
1862. I want to tell you.Copy !req
1863. - You do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1864. Like, what do you want to do?
What are your dreams?Copy !req
1865. You don't wanna work at Smart Tech
for the rest of your life.Copy !req
1866. I've been working there
for a long time.Copy !req
1867. And I've been thinking lately
that maybe I should open my own store.Copy !req
1868. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1869. - What kind of store?
- Well, like a stereo store.Copy !req
1870. Oh, my God, that is...
Why don't you do that?Copy !req
1871. I don't have enough money
to do that.Copy !req
1872. What about those collectibles?Copy !req
1873. I bet if you sold those,
you could make a lot of money.Copy !req
1874. I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe
for $1,000.Copy !req
1875. - Really?
- Do you have any of those?Copy !req
1876. - Yeah.
- You do?Copy !req
1877. I have 47 of them.Copy !req
1878. No, you don't.Copy !req
1879. - Yeah, in their original boxes.
- You do?Copy !req
1880. I could help you sell them on eBay.Copy !req
1881. I would not take a commission,
I swear to God.Copy !req
1882. You could do it.
You could totally pull it off.Copy !req
1883. - Yeah, let's do it.
- Let's do it.Copy !req
1884. Aquaman.Copy !req
1885. Here.Copy !req
1886. Clothes on.Copy !req
1887. I'll send you off to...Copy !req
1888. a farm with lots of land.Copy !req
1889. So, you and other Aquamen
can run around...Copy !req
1890. and play in the Aquafields.Copy !req
1891. Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin.Copy !req
1892. You don't wanna go, do you?
Okay, you can stay.Copy !req
1893. Steve Austin can stay.Copy !req
1894. Hey, Cal. David.Copy !req
1895. Way to sell a big TV.Copy !req
1896. She likes you, man.Copy !req
1897. Too bad I retired my penis.Copy !req
1898. Mooj, we try to be fair with
the schedule but it's hard.Copy !req
1899. Okay, but why every damn schedule
comes up, I get most early shift?Copy !req
1900. It's bullshit. Nobody buys stereo
at 10:00 in the morning.Copy !req
1901. No, I understand.Copy !req
1902. People buy stereo
between 6:00 and 8:00.Copy !req
1903. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
1904. Rich men get off work, then buy stereo.Copy !req
1905. - Right.
- Not after fucking brunch.Copy !req
1906. Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.Copy !req
1907. I'm going to give you
a couple of Jay's shifts.Copy !req
1908. And then I'll give you
a couple of mine and that way...Copy !req
1909. - ... we'll all be equal, okay.
- Thank you, Andy.Copy !req
1910. It's okay.Copy !req
1911. You're a good man, Andy.Copy !req
1912. By the way,
what date are you on, now?Copy !req
1913. I think it's around 17.Copy !req
1914. It's hard to tell what actually
constitutes a date, though.Copy !req
1915. Three to go. So that means
you're gonna have sex in three days.Copy !req
1916. Maybe, I might try to space them out
a little bit.Copy !req
1917. - I'll pray for your cock.
- Okay, thanks.Copy !req
1918. - Thanks. Thank you.
- Have a good cocky.Copy !req
1919. Trish is on the phone.
Here is a shock.Copy !req
1920. - Girlfriend with a problem.
- Hello.Copy !req
1921. I have done everything but sex!Copy !req
1922. I'm a woman, okay?
Deal with it!Copy !req
1923. I'm gonna start
taking you back to church.Copy !req
1924. We are gonna start going to church.Copy !req
1925. - Hello?
- You know what?Copy !req
1926. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
1927. Oh, my God, I cannot believe this.
Thank God you're here.Copy !req
1928. Jesus Christ.
Marla locked herself in the bathroom.Copy !req
1929. What happened?Copy !req
1930. She wants to go
to the family health clinic.Copy !req
1931. She wants birth control.
But she's too young.Copy !req
1932. I want to have sex with my boyfriend!
But I can't, Mom!Copy !req
1933. So, you want me to take her?Copy !req
1934. - No, I don't want you to take her.
- Okay, all right.Copy !req
1935. I want her to keep it in her pants
until she gets to college.Copy !req
1936. Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
1937. "Keep it in my pants"?Copy !req
1938. Okay, you didn't keep it
in your pants, Mom.Copy !req
1939. I know. I don't want you to make
the same mistakes as me, Marla.Copy !req
1940. Mistakes? Okay,
so I was a mistake then.Copy !req
1941. No, you're not a mistake.
Your sister was the mistake.Copy !req
1942. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1943. Her older sister, I mean,
she wasn't planned, you know what I mean?Copy !req
1944. Because I was such a...
Oh, God, you wanna run away, don't you?Copy !req
1945. No.Copy !req
1946. You and your boyfriend
have sex all the time!Copy !req
1947. Oh, my God!
Are you kidding?Copy !req
1948. We never have sex.
Do we ever have sex?Copy !req
1949. No, we don't.Copy !req
1950. What? Yes, you do!Copy !req
1951. You're such a liar!
Why do you lie to me?Copy !req
1952. Why?Copy !req
1953. I didn't hear anything
after "a liar. "Copy !req
1954. - What did she say after "a liar"?
- She sounds like a tea kettle.Copy !req
1955. Fuck you!Copy !req
1956. - Maybe I should take her.
- No, I don't think so.Copy !req
1957. You know, a little information
never hurt anybody.Copy !req
1958. Cool.Copy !req
1959. Wow!Copy !req
1960. Where do you put the penis?Copy !req
1961. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1962. It is...Copy !req
1963. not a Rubik's Cube.Copy !req
1964. Shit.Copy !req
1965. God, how much longer
are they gonna make us wait?Copy !req
1966. I don't know. They should be
out in a second.Copy !req
1967. Now, you're all here...Copy !req
1968. because you're interested
in obtaining birth control.Copy !req
1969. Any questions?Copy !req
1970. Here's a cute story.
I came home the other day...Copy !req
1971. and he is with his girlfriend
in my marital bed...Copy !req
1972. doing things that are illegal
in Alabama.Copy !req
1973. Sex acts, right?
Things that my wife won't do, okay?Copy !req
1974. - Did you have a question?
- How do I get my wife to do that?Copy !req
1975. Does anybody else have a question?Copy !req
1976. My daughter is,
for lack of a better word...Copy !req
1977. dumb.Copy !req
1978. How do I stop her menstrual cycle?Copy !req
1979. You want her to stop
having a menstrual cycle?Copy !req
1980. I want to stop it,
maybe just for a few years.Copy !req
1981. Yeah, I don't think
that's a good idea.Copy !req
1982. - Does anybody else have a question?
- I have a question.Copy !req
1983. I think some of the people
here might be sexually inexperienced.Copy !req
1984. Is it true that if you don't use it,
you lose it?Copy !req
1985. Is that a serious question?Copy !req
1986. - No. It wasn't.
- Okay.Copy !req
1987. Now, there are a lot of activities
that you can engage in...Copy !req
1988. without having sex
that are both fun and safe.Copy !req
1989. What sort of activities?
I think...Copy !req
1990. everybody wants to know
about the activities.Copy !req
1991. Well, instead of having intercourse,
you could have outer-course.Copy !req
1992. Outer-course?
What's that?Copy !req
1993. Yeah, what is that?Copy !req
1994. Outer-course is anything
that isn't vaginal intercourse.Copy !req
1995. I prefer vaginal intercourse.Copy !req
1996. He really does.Copy !req
1997. Now, there are ways of having sex
without intercourse.Copy !req
1998. Let's see, there are things
like body rubbing or dry humping.Copy !req
1999. You could dry hump.Copy !req
2000. - There is masturbation.
- Masturbation. Play with yourself.Copy !req
2001. - Mutual masturbation.
- Play with a friend.Copy !req
2002. Deep kissing.
There is erotic massage.Copy !req
2003. That sounds like it would be nice.Copy !req
2004. - Oral sex play.
- Sounds like my Friday night.Copy !req
2005. Shut up, Seth.
We went to temple.Copy !req
2006. Okay, are there any virgins here...Copy !req
2007. who are thinking about
having sex for the first time?Copy !req
2008. Oh.Copy !req
2009. Wait. So you're a virgin?Copy !req
2010. - I'd tap that.
- Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?Copy !req
2011. Seth, what, you think you're cool
with your little Jew fro?Copy !req
2012. We don't say, "tap that. "
What are you talking about, Seth?Copy !req
2013. You know what, I'm a virgin, too.Copy !req
2014. That's...Copy !req
2015. - We're virgins, too.
- Yeah.Copy !req
2016. No, you know what,
it's a personal choice...Copy !req
2017. and I don't think it's weird at all.Copy !req
2018. You know what your problem is?Copy !req
2019. You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.Copy !req
2020. That's the second time I've heard that.Copy !req
2021. What is the "pussy on a pedestal" thing?Copy !req
2022. Okay, I can't listen to anymore of this,
'cause it's making me sick.Copy !req
2023. So, bye.Copy !req
2024. You can get this information
on your website, right?Copy !req
2025. - Yes.
- Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.Copy !req
2026. Any other questions?Copy !req
2027. Do you have any extra-large condoms?Copy !req
2028. Seth, you got a tiny penis.Copy !req
2029. So, I made that all up to help you out.Copy !req
2030. No, you didn't.Copy !req
2031. But thank you for doing that.Copy !req
2032. How can you tell?Copy !req
2033. Well, you know, I go to school
with, like, 400 guys...Copy !req
2034. who are all trying to have sex.Copy !req
2035. And, yeah, so I can tell who's done it.Copy !req
2036. Of course.Copy !req
2037. - And you really haven't?
- No, I really haven't.Copy !req
2038. Please don't tell your mom,
okay?Copy !req
2039. - Yeah, I won't.
- Thanks.Copy !req
2040. But when are you gonna tell her?Copy !req
2041. Believe me, I'm working on it.Copy !req
2042. I am working on it.Copy !req
2043. Do you have any weed?Copy !req
2044. - Yeah.
- You do have some.Copy !req
2045. Can spare any or is it all spoken for?Copy !req
2046. I mean, like what are we talking?
Are we...Copy !req
2047. Just enough to get me
baked for like a week.Copy !req
2048. That's a lot of weed.Copy !req
2049. Yeah, I am taking vacation
next week, so...Copy !req
2050. - Where are you going?
- I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
2051. - I'll stay in my apartment.
- Just getting baked?Copy !req
2052. I want to be baked the whole time.Copy !req
2053. Watch TV,
I'll probably re-watch Gandhi.Copy !req
2054. - Gandhi baked is good.
- Yes, isn't it?Copy !req
2055. I always feel bad
when I watch it baked...Copy !req
2056. 'cause I get really hungry
and I'm eating a lot...Copy !req
2057. and poor Gandhi is...Copy !req
2058. - ... fucking starving his ass off.
- Starving, I know.Copy !req
2059. - Sounds good.
- Yeah.Copy !req
2060. I'm going to take her to capacity.
Are you okay with that?Copy !req
2061. Give it a shot.Copy !req
2062. Freak! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
2063. Michael McDonald, man,
I haven't heard this in years.Copy !req
2064. Yeah, I haven't heard it
in like 48 minutes.Copy !req
2065. If I get the set,
will you throw in the DVD?Copy !req
2066. You don't get the set.
I'll throw in the DVD.Copy !req
2067. I'll take it.Copy !req
2068. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
2069. Y'all want to see something beautiful?
Come here.Copy !req
2070. You want to see the most beautiful thing
in the world? Check this out.Copy !req
2071. This is my baby right here.
That's my baby's dick right there.Copy !req
2072. Looks like a poltergeist.Copy !req
2073. That is his foot.Copy !req
2074. Look at his dick.
That's not even four months.Copy !req
2075. Extrapolate that.Copy !req
2076. By the time he's 30,
what's gonna happen?Copy !req
2077. Yo, Andy! Come check this out, dawg.Copy !req
2078. Is this the movie about babies
that are geniuses?Copy !req
2079. No, this is my child, dude.
Jill is pregnant.Copy !req
2080. - That's yours?
- Yeah.Copy !req
2081. That's why she broke up
with me in the first place...Copy !req
2082. 'cause she just thought
that I wouldn't be a good father...Copy !req
2083. in light of the fact that
I'd be cheating on her all the time.Copy !req
2084. But she got over all that.
It's cool now.Copy !req
2085. Congratulations, man.
That is great.Copy !req
2086. We having a party tonight, Andy...Copy !req
2087. and I really want you to be there, man.Copy !req
2088. We celebrating and I really,
really want you to be there.Copy !req
2089. It looks like the Doppler radar.Copy !req
2090. Can you believe that?Copy !req
2091. This child ain't even four months old.Copy !req
2092. He ain't four months old yet.
Look at what he's packing.Copy !req
2093. Everybody dick looks big
on 60-inch TV.Copy !req
2094. My sister's dick looks big on TV,
okay?Copy !req
2095. Oh, my God, this guy, Eric Gilliland...Copy !req
2096. - ... he has bought, like, 15 of these.
- Really?Copy !req
2097. Yeah, I think he likes action figures
even more than you.Copy !req
2098. - That is impossible.
- I think so.Copy !req
2099. Andy, the way these things
are flying off your shelf...Copy !req
2100. you know, I think you
could actually make like...Copy !req
2101. maybe like $100,000.Copy !req
2102. - Really?
- Yeah, you could open your store.Copy !req
2103. - Wow.
- Honey...Copy !req
2104. - That's a lot of money.
- I know.Copy !req
2105. That's incredible.
I wouldn't have done it without you.Copy !req
2106. Thanks.Copy !req
2107. - And that's not the only good news.
- What?Copy !req
2108. - You know what tonight is?
- Survivor is on?Copy !req
2109. - No.
- I know.Copy !req
2110. Is it The Apprentice?Copy !req
2111. No.Copy !req
2112. What?Copy !req
2113. It's our 20th date.Copy !req
2114. - Wow.
- Yeah.Copy !req
2115. - Really?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
2116. Seriously?
I think we're at 18.Copy !req
2117. 'Cause there were
a couple of dates there...Copy !req
2118. - ... that don't really count as dates.
- No.Copy !req
2119. I'll give you a free pass
on those other ones.Copy !req
2120. Thank you.Copy !req
2121. - Listen.
- What?Copy !req
2122. - Listen.
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
2123. I really like you.Copy !req
2124. I think I'm falling for you.Copy !req
2125. I don't know. I kind of see
this going somewhere.Copy !req
2126. I do, too.Copy !req
2127. I just think we should just
go crazy on each other.Copy !req
2128. - Okay.
- Okay?Copy !req
2129. Oh, thank God!Copy !req
2130. Oh!Copy !req
2131. Okay, I should...
I gotta pick those up.Copy !req
2132. Don't pick them up now.Copy !req
2133. No, I have to pick those up
right now.Copy !req
2134. - Wait, we'll get them later.
- Listen, no, I can't, no.Copy !req
2135. Listen, it's really important
because...Copy !req
2136. once the integrity of the box
gets compromised...Copy !req
2137. This is original packaging
and that's why these things...Copy !req
2138. are so valuable.
So you don't screw with that.Copy !req
2139. - You really don't screw with that.
- All right.Copy !req
2140. We can wrap them again later,
you know.Copy !req
2141. Yeah, I know.
But you know what...Copy !req
2142. this is very important
that we don't lose the value...Copy !req
2143. and compromise the integrity of it.Copy !req
2144. Andy, I'm throwing myself
at you and...Copy !req
2145. all you can think about
is a fucking toy.Copy !req
2146. They're not fucking toys!
This is Iron Man, okay?Copy !req
2147. I got this when I was in second grade.Copy !req
2148. Do you know how hard it is
for a kid to not open that?Copy !req
2149. This is important.Copy !req
2150. These are my things...Copy !req
2151. and you are trying to make me
sell them and I don't want to.Copy !req
2152. - No.
- And you're making me.Copy !req
2153. - I'm not making...
- You are encouraging me...Copy !req
2154. - ... to quit my job.
- I'm not! I'm not trying to...Copy !req
2155. You want me to open a store.
You want me to sell everything.Copy !req
2156. You know what,
I'm gonna tell you something.Copy !req
2157. I don't just change like that.
I can't just change for you.Copy !req
2158. I don't... I'm not trying
to change you. I like you.Copy !req
2159. I'm just... I'm trying
to help you grow up, Andy.Copy !req
2160. Well, thanks a lot.Copy !req
2161. I mean, my God, you ride a bicycle
to work in a stockroom.Copy !req
2162. You know what, I'm not
in the stockroom anymore.Copy !req
2163. - I'm a floor manager.
- Okay.Copy !req
2164. And I ride a bike because I like to.
Einstein rode a bike.Copy !req
2165. He had a wife who he fucked,
by the way.Copy !req
2166. What do I have to do
for you to have sex with me?Copy !req
2167. Do you want me to dress up like Thor?
I'll dress up like Thor.Copy !req
2168. I'll dress up like Iron Man.Copy !req
2169. What do they do?
I'll do it.Copy !req
2170. What?
Everything's always about sex.Copy !req
2171. Why don't you want to have sex with me?Copy !req
2172. Why not? Tell me.
You tell me the truth.Copy !req
2173. Is it because I have a kid
who has a kid? Is that why?Copy !req
2174. No, it's cool that
you're a grandmother.Copy !req
2175. I love the fact
that you're a grandmother.Copy !req
2176. - Oh, God!
- You are. You're a hot grandma.Copy !req
2177. Oh, my God!Copy !req
2178. You are so mean! Get out!Copy !req
2179. - Okay, fine. Good!
- Good, fine. You're gonna go.Copy !req
2180. - I didn't ask for any of this.
- You asked for all of it, Andy.Copy !req
2181. Okay. Great.Copy !req
2182. Okay.Copy !req
2183. That's the way you want it...Copy !req
2184. that's the way homie's gonna play it.Copy !req
2185. Yeah. Truth be told.Copy !req
2186. Baby, you better
enjoy yourself tonight...Copy !req
2187. 'cause once this baby's born,
you ain't going out again...Copy !req
2188. till that baby is in college.Copy !req
2189. - Me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
2190. You the club rat. I'm not
the one that be going out.Copy !req
2191. I'm not a club rat.Copy !req
2192. You're gonna get up,
you march over there...Copy !req
2193. and I want you
to hit on Bernadette now.Copy !req
2194. Dude, I'm not gonna hit
on Bernadette.Copy !req
2195. Yes, you are, man...Copy !req
2196. 'cause your depression
is boring me for one thing...Copy !req
2197. and it's actually making me
a little depressed...Copy !req
2198. which is then in turn
making me more depressed...Copy !req
2199. that you're actually affecting my mood.Copy !req
2200. Look, I'm not in any kind of place
to talk to a woman, all right?Copy !req
2201. I'm just... I'm fragile.Copy !req
2202. I hired her for you.Copy !req
2203. I hired a 90-pound girl
to work in the stockroom at Smart Tech...Copy !req
2204. for you, okay?Copy !req
2205. I should have hired a 300-pound guy...Copy !req
2206. who could lift a 60-inch flat screen.Copy !req
2207. But instead I hired a hot girl...Copy !req
2208. who can't lift an iPod
to bring you out of your funk.Copy !req
2209. - You hired her for me?
- Yes.Copy !req
2210. So will you go talk to her?Copy !req
2211. Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.Copy !req
2212. No.Copy !req
2213. - Did you just flick me in the nuts?
- No.Copy !req
2214. Flicked you in the fleshy patch
where your nuts used to be.Copy !req
2215. Quit flicking my balls, man.Copy !req
2216. Okay, I'll stop flicking your balls.Copy !req
2217. But I'll start punching your nuts.Copy !req
2218. Oh!Copy !req
2219. Okay.Copy !req
2220. Well played, sir.Copy !req
2221. - Okay.
- Thank you.Copy !req
2222. No problem, man.
Go get 'em.Copy !req
2223. Mooj, you done see my son...Copy !req
2224. you know his foot gonna be
bigger than this.Copy !req
2225. If that baby looks Pakistani,
don't fucking look at me, okay?Copy !req
2226. I wouldn't mind. You got good genes.
How old are you? What, 138?Copy !req
2227. When your son is born,
is he already in parole?Copy !req
2228. I need some poon.Copy !req
2229. You guys were so right,
right from the beginning.Copy !req
2230. I need genital to genital connection
and that's all I need.Copy !req
2231. You know, the thing about relationships
is that they...Copy !req
2232. make one person go...Copy !req
2233. And the other person go,
"What are you talking about?"Copy !req
2234. And then one person goes...Copy !req
2235. How much have you had to drink, man?Copy !req
2236. How much have I had to drink?
How many pots have you smoken?Copy !req
2237. What are you talking about?Copy !req
2238. How many times have you gone
to the bathroom in your life?Copy !req
2239. Let me ask you that.Copy !req
2240. You know what, you don't have
an answer for that, do you?Copy !req
2241. Fuck you, man! I'm sorry.Copy !req
2242. No, you're such a good guy,
and I appreciate you.Copy !req
2243. What's up, baby, I didn't know
you had came already.Copy !req
2244. Hey, motherfucker!Copy !req
2245. Man, you know what,
tonight is the night.Copy !req
2246. You know what, you were
totally right and I was wrong.Copy !req
2247. You were right all along.
You cannot have a relationship...Copy !req
2248. with somebody until...Copy !req
2249. you have sex and that's the long...Copy !req
2250. That's the long and short of it.Copy !req
2251. - So, thank you.
- That's good.Copy !req
2252. And now I have to go hunt
for some hos.Copy !req
2253. - He going to be all right?
- No, I don't think he is.Copy !req
2254. - Cal's a good guy.
- Yeah, he's a great guy.Copy !req
2255. It's so funny, because, you know...Copy !req
2256. when I first met him and I thought
you were cute at the store...Copy !req
2257. - ... he told me you were gay.
- I'm not gay.Copy !req
2258. Cal says that I'm gay because
he has a real problem...Copy !req
2259. with his own gayness.Copy !req
2260. But seriously, I'm going
to lay it out for you, right now.Copy !req
2261. I was a little reticent
to come over and talk to you.Copy !req
2262. You're very pretty and you seem very nice.
The truth is...Copy !req
2263. I dated this woman, let me rephrase that,
I dated this whore...Copy !req
2264. who stomped all over my heart.Copy !req
2265. And it's just taking me
a little while to kind of...Copy !req
2266. you know, get back in the game.Copy !req
2267. Oh, my God. Say no more.Copy !req
2268. My last boyfriend Sal junior,
is a scum bag.Copy !req
2269. I would totally pay people
to have him killed.Copy !req
2270. That's how much I fucking hate
that damn scum bag.Copy !req
2271. - God, you're fucking awesome.
- You too.Copy !req
2272. Hey, you!Copy !req
2273. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
2274. How you doing?Copy !req
2275. Much better,
now that I'm talking to you.Copy !req
2276. Hey, lookie,
I can see through your shirt.Copy !req
2277. Nice.Copy !req
2278. So, you think we should...Copy !req
2279. take this party
to my apartment or what?Copy !req
2280. I am RSVPing "yes. "Copy !req
2281. Hope you have a big trunk
because I'm putting my bike in it.Copy !req
2282. Yeah, let's go!Copy !req
2283. Mom, I left my phone somewhere
and I...Copy !req
2284. Thank you.Copy !req
2285. What's the matter?
Where is Andy?Copy !req
2286. - We had a big fight, just...
- Oh, Mom.Copy !req
2287. He just stormed out of here.Copy !req
2288. What happened?Copy !req
2289. Well, I just...
Wait a minute, I thought you hated him.Copy !req
2290. I don't hate him. I mean,
he does do magic, but...Copy !req
2291. you know, he's a big dork...Copy !req
2292. and I like seeing you happy.Copy !req
2293. I do.Copy !req
2294. - That's sweet, that's really sweet.
- Mom.Copy !req
2295. Why don't you just go talk to him,
work it out.Copy !req
2296. 'Cause if the thing is that important,
you can't just stop.Copy !req
2297. Let me dance for you.
I would love it.Copy !req
2298. Look at your bra and your breasts
and everything. That's so great.Copy !req
2299. Wow! You know what?
You're so hot. You're so hot.Copy !req
2300. I'm smoking hot.Copy !req
2301. You know what? I'm just going
to have sex with you.Copy !req
2302. Yes! Let's have sex.Copy !req
2303. - It's going to happen.
- That's why we are here.Copy !req
2304. That's totally what's going
to happen.Copy !req
2305. We could do it in the...Copy !req
2306. Butt, if you want to.Copy !req
2307. But, if I want to what?Copy !req
2308. - Butt.
- But what? What?Copy !req
2309. - Do it.
- Do it?Copy !req
2310. What?Copy !req
2311. I don't know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
2312. - Butt.
- But...Copy !req
2313. - What?
- ... what?Copy !req
2314. But, it still feels so right.Copy !req
2315. Yeah!Copy !req
2316. Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.Copy !req
2317. That was a fun day.Copy !req
2318. You are so kinky.Copy !req
2319. Yeah, I'm so kinky.Copy !req
2320. That's why I did this
because I thought it looks...Copy !req
2321. You like to shave, don't you?Copy !req
2322. - Let's shave each other.
- I don't think you have any hair.Copy !req
2323. You know where to shave me.Copy !req
2324. - Yeah.
- Because I want to shave you.Copy !req
2325. I want to shave your head.Copy !req
2326. I wanna give you a buzz cut.Copy !req
2327. Let's get in the bath.Copy !req
2328. In the bath?Copy !req
2329. Yes. We're gonna get dirty.
Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.Copy !req
2330. It's just about time I got really dirty.Copy !req
2331. Yeah.Copy !req
2332. Hey. Hi, it's me,
and I'm on my way to your house.Copy !req
2333. I want to do whatever
you want to do, okay?Copy !req
2334. Fifty dates. 100.
I hope not, but whatever.Copy !req
2335. I'm gonna see you soon, okay? Bye.Copy !req
2336. Wow. Okay, well, that was fast. Okay.Copy !req
2337. Wow! Holy shit!Copy !req
2338. Wow. This is just
the right thing to happen.Copy !req
2339. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow!
Almost got my penis.Copy !req
2340. Come to mama.Copy !req
2341. I'm gonna really take care
of you tonight.Copy !req
2342. You're never gonna forget Beth.Copy !req
2343. I just want to please you.Copy !req
2344. What do you like?Copy !req
2345. I don't know.
What do you like?Copy !req
2346. Can I show you what I like?Copy !req
2347. Okay.Copy !req
2348. It's so hot in here.Copy !req
2349. I wanna introduce you to my friend.Copy !req
2350. Your friend is so shiny.Copy !req
2351. This guy knows exactly what I like.Copy !req
2352. Where's you friend going?Copy !req
2353. This is how I'm gonna warm up for you.Copy !req
2354. That's always good to warm up.
You don't wanna pull something.Copy !req
2355. Wow, this is graphic.Copy !req
2356. I can't do it.Copy !req
2357. God, what are you doing here?Copy !req
2358. We came here because we were
concerned about you and Trish...Copy !req
2359. and now I could not give a fuck.Copy !req
2360. How did you even know where she lives?Copy !req
2361. - I hit it like eight months back.
- What?Copy !req
2362. Never gave her back the key, man.
You have no idea...Copy !req
2363. where this is going, all right?
That girl is a freak.Copy !req
2364. Oh, it's happening!
It's happening! Andy!Copy !req
2365. You think?Copy !req
2366. We've been talking, and look...Copy !req
2367. if you love Trish, you can't do this.Copy !req
2368. Look, you guys, I don't know
what I'm doing anymore.Copy !req
2369. I don't even know who I am.
All I know is...Copy !req
2370. that woman scares the shit out of me...Copy !req
2371. and I just wanna go home, okay?Copy !req
2372. - Let's go.
- We should all get out of here.Copy !req
2373. - Okay.
- We should all go.Copy !req
2374. It wasn't that good for me.Copy !req
2375. We should totally get out of here.Copy !req
2376. We should run away from here.Copy !req
2377. Hey.Copy !req
2378. Cal.Copy !req
2379. Go around!Copy !req
2380. Come on, just go around me!Copy !req
2381. Can't you hear me?Copy !req
2382. Hey, there. Hi, Trish.Copy !req
2383. Man, I'm really sorry about tonight.Copy !req
2384. What's this?Copy !req
2385. Those are David's.Copy !req
2386. I think he has a problem.Copy !req
2387. - These are David's?
- He's into that.Copy !req
2388. David's Boner Jams '03?Copy !req
2389. Yeah, it's so sad.Copy !req
2390. He compiled all the best
boner scenes, I guess.Copy !req
2391. This isn't what it looks like,
okay?Copy !req
2392. - What does this look like?
- A vagina.Copy !req
2393. And what do you do with this vagina?Copy !req
2394. To learn.
It's for medicinal purposes.Copy !req
2395. Ugh.Copy !req
2396. - Hey, I'm sorry. God...
- What's this?Copy !req
2397. This your date drug?
Your roofie?Copy !req
2398. It's a Mentos.Copy !req
2399. They're "The Freshmaker. "Copy !req
2400. Yeah, right.Copy !req
2401. What are you, some kind of sex pervert?Copy !req
2402. Are you a deviant or something?Copy !req
2403. - No, I'm not a sexual deviant!
- What is all this?Copy !req
2404. I haven't even tried
to have sex with you, so...Copy !req
2405. What are you trying to do?
What are you buttering me up for?Copy !req
2406. Come on.Copy !req
2407. You're not gonna try and kill me,
are you?Copy !req
2408. - Look, Trish.
- You didn't get a new carpet.Copy !req
2409. I'm not trying to kill you.
I love you.Copy !req
2410. - I love you.
- Oh, God!Copy !req
2411. Trish.Copy !req
2412. Trish. No!Copy !req
2413. No. Trish, stop.Copy !req
2414. Come on, Trish!Copy !req
2415. I need to talk to you!Copy !req
2416. No!Copy !req
2417. Damn it.Copy !req
2418. Oh, my God!Copy !req
2419. Andy! Oh, my God!Copy !req
2420. Call 911.Copy !req
2421. Oh, my... Andy.Copy !req
2422. Oh, my God!Copy !req
2423. I'm gonna need a minute.
I'm in a lot of pain right now.Copy !req
2424. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?Copy !req
2425. Not bad.Copy !req
2426. There were two sides
to that billboard.Copy !req
2427. And they both hurt equally.Copy !req
2428. Andy. Andy.Copy !req
2429. - Are you okay?
- I'm okay.Copy !req
2430. No, I'm not okay.Copy !req
2431. I'm a virgin.Copy !req
2432. A what?Copy !req
2433. I'm a virgin.
I always have been.Copy !req
2434. Andy, is that what all this was about?Copy !req
2435. I'm sorry.Copy !req
2436. You're just a virgin, that's all?Copy !req
2437. - Yeah.
- That's good. That's a good thing.Copy !req
2438. I feel stupid.Copy !req
2439. It's okay. I thought
you were trying to kill me.Copy !req
2440. No.Copy !req
2441. Oh, my God.Copy !req
2442. No, I'm not trying to kill you.Copy !req
2443. That's why I never tried
to have sex with you.Copy !req
2444. I was scared, okay?
I just...Copy !req
2445. 'Cause I didn't know what I was doing.Copy !req
2446. I just didn't think it would be good.Copy !req
2447. Of course it'll be good.
We love each other.Copy !req
2448. Really?Copy !req
2449. I love you.Copy !req
2450. Yeah.Copy !req
2451. Get the fuck out of the road,
virgin!Copy !req
2452. Shut up, you fucking jerk!Copy !req
2453. No, that's okay.
That's all right. Sorry.Copy !req
2454. You know what...Copy !req
2455. for so long I thought that there was
something wrong with me...Copy !req
2456. because it had never happened, but...Copy !req
2457. I realize now that it was
just because I was waiting for you.Copy !req
2458. This was some wedding.
How could they afford it?Copy !req
2459. Dude sells his toys and makes
like a half a million dollars.Copy !req
2460. - It's crazy, right?
- That's fucking crazy.Copy !req
2461. We're gonna get some fucking toys.Copy !req
2462. We are all so happy for you.Copy !req
2463. I am delighted to say these words.Copy !req
2464. Andy...Copy !req
2465. you may kiss the bride.Copy !req
2466. And for God's sake,
consummate the thing.Copy !req
2467. No! Stop it.
I have the key.Copy !req
2468. I'm not gonna be done
buffing the marble...Copy !req
2469. for about a half an hour,
but...Copy !req
2470. you can come in and sit down
if you want...Copy !req
2471. or wait in the lobby.
It's okay.Copy !req
2472. It's up to you.Copy !req
2473. Dude, get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
2474. - Ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
2475. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
2476. Whoa.Copy !req
2477. You're officially not a virgin.Copy !req
2478. Cool.Copy !req
2479. Wow.Copy !req
2480. Wanna do it again?Copy !req
2481. - Yeah.
- Good. Okay.Copy !req
2482. Sure.Copy !req
2483. That was good. That was okay.Copy !req
2484. Okay.Copy !req
2485. - You ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
2486. - Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.Copy !req
2487. So, how was that for you?Copy !req
2488. Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV PlayerCopy !req