1. Hey, Andy!
What's up, dude?
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2. Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara.
How you doing?
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3. When you going to
get a car?
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4. Hey, why don't you get
a car? I can't afford it.
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5. So, Survivor tomorrow
night. We on? See you then.
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6. I'll bring a soda.
Hey, enjoy your orange.
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7. Okay, take care.
See you. Bye-bye.
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8. That guy needs to get laid.
Tell me something I don't know.
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9. Good morning.
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10. Excuse me. Pardon me.
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11. Sorry.
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12. Excuse me.
Thank you.
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13. - Good morning.
- Hey.
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14. - Good morning, Paula.
- Andy.
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15. Excuse me.
I have a question.
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16. What is the difference between
Hi8 and Digital video tapes?
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17. I'm not a salesman,
so, I could probably...
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18. Welcome to Smart Tech. How
can I be of service to you?
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19. Well, I was just
wondering
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20. what is the difference
between these?
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21. Well, if I'm photographing
someone as fine as yourself
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22. I'd probably go Digital.
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23. Hey, don't worry
I've been lied to
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24. My God. Sorry I'm late, man. No problem.
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25. Oh, man.
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26. - I had a weekend.
- Yeah?
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27. We went to Tijuana, Mexico,
you know,
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28. and we thought it would be fun,
you know, to go to this show.
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29. Everyone's, "You gotta
check out one of these shows. "
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30. And, you know,
it's a woman fucking a horse.
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31. We get there, and, you know,
we think it's gonna be awesome
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32. and it is not as cool as it
sounds like it would be, man.
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33. It's kind of gross.
Yeah.
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34. You think,
"A woman fucking a horse"
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35. and you get there
and it's
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36. a woman fucking a horse.
Yeah.
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37. It was really
giving it to her.
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38. And you know what,
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39. to be honest, I felt bad for
her. We all just felt bad for her.
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40. Yeah. Kind of felt bad for the horse.
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41. Wow, that's something.
So what did you get up to?
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42. You know, I just kind
of hung out. I was...
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43. God, Friday,
when I went home
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44. I really wanted
an egg-salad sandwich.
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45. And I was just obsessing
about it and I was like,
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46. "Man, I'm gonna
make one of those. "
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47. So Saturday I went out and
I got, like, a dozen eggs
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48. and I boiled them all
and then I just,
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49. I spent, I don't know,
probably three hours,
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50. like, three-and-a-half hours
making,
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51. you know, the mayonnaise
and the onions and paprika
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52. and, you know,
all the accoutrement.
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53. And then, by the time
I was done
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54. I just really didn't feel
like eating it.
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55. I can imagine.
And I didn't have any bread.
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56. So, you know, it was pretty
good. It was a good weekend.
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57. - Sounds pretty awesome.
- Yeah, it was fine.
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58. Sounds really fun.
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59. - Cool.
- Cool.
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60. Cool, cool.
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61. - Hey, Paula.
- Yeah.
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62. I gotta tell you something.
I'm really excited about it.
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63. For the first time today,
I woke up,
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64. I came to the store, and I
feel confident to say to you
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65. that if you don't take
this Michael McDonald DVD
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66. that you've been playing
for two years straight, off,
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67. I'm going to kill everyone
in the store
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68. and put a bullet
in my brain.
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69. David, what do you suggest we
play? I don't care. Anything.
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70. I would rather watch
Beautician and the Beast.
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71. I would rather listen to
Fran Drescher for eight hours
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72. than have to listen
to Michael McDonald.
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73. Nothing against him, but if I
hear Yah Mo B There one more time
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74. I'm gonna yah mo burn
this place to the ground.
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75. You're such a smart ass.
Get back on the floor.
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76. Fuck you.
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77. This is a great TV.
Nothing beats a plasma.
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78. What are you doing?
That's my customer.
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79. It certainly is not. When I came
upon her, she was unattended.
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80. No, that's my...
Wait.
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81. Go to the checkout there.
Pick up there, please.
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82. She was unattended
because I went to the back
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83. to get the brochure
that she requested.
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84. I apologize,
but it's too late.
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85. The transaction
has been completed.
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86. Then you're gonna give me
half the commission.
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87. You'll receive
none of the commission.
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88. I need to talk to Paula.
This is crazy.
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89. This is bullshit.
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90. Every time I make a sale,
you go crying to Paula.
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91. How about Jesse Jackson?
Old Jesse needs a cause.
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92. Sick of you poaching
my customers.
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93. I'm sick of your
crybaby bullshit.
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94. You wanna take this shit outside?
Just take it outside and squash it?
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95. Let's stay inside, so everybody
can see what a pussy you have, okay?
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96. Because when I remove the blade
I keep in my boot from its sheath,
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97. I can't return it
until it has spilled blood.
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98. Look, listen to me. You are
fucking with the wrong nigga.
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99. Hey! You're fucking with
the wrong sand-nigga, okay?
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100. Dude, I will hang your old ass
by your turban.
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101. Turban now? Do you see
any fucking turban here?
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102. Do I talk like a turban guy?
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103. Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want
a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?"
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104. Fuck you, okay?
I was born in Brooklyn.
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105. Brooklyn, okay?
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106. My accent is a fucking
Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
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107. All right, man.
Calm down, dude.
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108. Look, you still covering
my shift on Friday or what?
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109. If I can keep this commission,
with pleasure.
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110. Cool, then. All right, pop.
No problem.
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111. - How about Andy?
- No.
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112. Come on, man. We need, what, five guys
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113. to play a decent poker
game, right? Yeah.
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114. If we cancel this,
I'm gonna have to go
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115. to some stupid-ass
birthday party with Jill
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116. and that shit
ain't happening.
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117. - No.
- Why not?
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118. He's a really nice guy and all
but I'm pretty sure that
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119. he is a serial murderer.
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120. Who cares, man?
He's a nice guy.
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121. I just wanna get drunk,
fucked up, and play some cards.
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122. That's great. Look, I don't
wanna end up a lampshade
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123. in some creepy apartment,
that's what I'm saying.
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124. I don't really see
any other options.
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125. Andy. My man.
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126. You got any plans
later on tonight?
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127. Why, do we have to unload
the Sony truck?
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128. No, the guys are getting
together, we're playing some poker
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129. thought, you know,
you'd wanna play.
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130. With you guys?
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131. Yeah, sure.
That would be cool.
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132. You know how to play, right?
Yeah, I play online sometimes.
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133. - We're gonna play in the store.
- Great.
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134. Are we allowed
to do that?
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135. - Absolutely not.
- Yeah.
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136. Oh.
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137. Well, so I'm gonna
go tell Paula.
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138. I'm just kidding.
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139. I'm kidding. That sounds great.
Cool, I'll see you guys tonight.
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140. Okay.
All right.
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141. Oops.
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142. - I almost feel guilty.
- No, you don't.
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143. Going down!
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144. Dumbass.
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145. And a full house.
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146. Oh, my dukes!
What?
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147. How much fucking online poker
do you play, dawg?
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148. For like an hour or two a
night, when I'm not playing Halo.
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149. Why did you invite this guy?
He's a fucking ringer, man.
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150. This is hog shit.
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151. You, you're a fucking asshole
to tell me to come here.
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152. You tell me he was a nice guy,
didn't you?
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153. Well, fuck you people,
and fuck you, you and you...
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154. fuck and kiss my big brown
fucking ass, okay?
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155. I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
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156. Peace.
All right, man.
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157. Fuck a goat.
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158. - Good night.
- I love that guy.
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159. Dude, you totally...
Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.
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160. About to go see Ellen
in a little bit.
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161. Going now?
Late-night action, huh?
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162. Dude, you know
how it goes.
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163. Does your girlfriend know about
all these late-night visits?
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164. It's like an unspoken
agreement. Yeah.
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165. It's like a completely and
utterly unspoken agreement.
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166. If you knew her, if you knew
who I was dealing with,
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167. you wouldn't be
saying this shit.
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168. There's nothing you can't do
with this woman
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169. straight up and down. I've
done every single thing
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170. I could possibly create.
I've literally lubed up
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171. and made love to the arches
of her feet. All right.
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172. - Wow!
- Yeah.
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173. Foot fuck!
That's sick, man.
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174. - Wow.
- That is not sick.
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175. - I will give you sick.
- Oh, shit.
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176. I was sleeping with a woman
recently, she had the...
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177. Her tits were unbelievable.
Oh, man, I love titties.
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178. And so we're doing it
and I'm about to finish
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179. and her dog starts
licking my ass.
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180. I swear to God, I have to decide,
do I finish or do I stop the dog?
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181. - I know your nasty ass.
- He finished.
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182. I finished.
And then I stole the dog.
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183. No, I didn't, but...
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184. You know, sometimes,
Amy and I would make love
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185. till it was almost like
we weren't two people
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186. but we were two spirits
or something.
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187. Our souls were connected in
this way, I can't describe it.
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188. Time stood still. It was like
we were sharing the same heart.
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189. Stop, man! Why do you always come
and kill the vibe with those things?
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190. "Sharing the same heart,"
that's like some
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191. Britney Spears shit, man.
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192. This is three grown ass men, don't
nobody want to hear that shit.
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193. Yeah, man, come on, nobody
wants to hear that shit.
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194. Thank you, Andy. Dude,
you broke up two years ago.
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195. You get over it at some
point. Two years, man.
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196. You need to get past that
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197. because no ass is worth
thinking that much about
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198. I always say.
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199. Andy, do me a favor.
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200. Would you please help him redeem
himself by telling a real sex story?
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201. Yes.
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202. I don't... You know what,
I'm a gentleman and I don't...
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203. I don't kiss and tell.
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204. Fuck it, I raise you.
Nastiest shit you've ever done.
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205. I'm talking about nasty.
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206. Wow.
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207. So many stories are running
through my head right now.
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208. I dated this girl
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209. for a while, and she was
really a nasty freak.
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210. She just loved to get down
with sex all the time.
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211. She was like, any time of day,
she was like,
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212. "Yeah, let's go.
I'm so nasty. "
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213. And I'd be nailing her.
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214. Oh, shit.
She'd be like,
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215. "Oh, you're nailing me. Cool. "
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216. She talk dirty to you?
She loved to dirty-talk.
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217. Totally into it.
She'd be like,
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218. "Yeah, let's screw, let's...
I wanna fuck. "
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219. God, it was so dirty.
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220. She'd be like, "Me so horny,
me love you long time. "
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221. So...
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222. - So what were the titties like?
- Yeah, describe her...
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223. Yeah, she had great tits.
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224. No, I mean, like, detailed.
Did she have, like, you know,
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225. them little pink teeny
nipples. Oh, yeah.
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226. Or like the long
National Geographic nipples.
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227. You have like the bumpy Braille
nipples, the Stevie Wonders.
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228. Yeah, they were nice.
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229. You know, when you, like, you
grab a woman's breast and it's...
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230. And you feel it and
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231. it feels like a bag of sand
when you're touching it.
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232. Bag of sand?
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233. You know what I mean.
Why don't we just play?
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234. Why don't you just
deal the cards?
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235. What are you
talking about?
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236. Have you ever felt
a breast before, man?
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237. Yes.
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238. - Dude, are you gay?
- No, I'm not gay.
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239. I've been with
tons of women.
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240. I touched a guy's balls
at Hebrew school once.
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241. Dude, it's not a big deal.
You like to fuck guys.
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242. I'm cool. I got friends
who fuck guys, in jail.
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243. No, I'm not gay.
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244. No, I've borked a lot of women
in my day.
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245. You've "borked"?
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246. Hold up.
Yo, answer this question,
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247. Are you a virgin?
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248. Yeah, not since I was 10.
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249. It all makes sense.
You're a virgin.
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250. I am... Shut up.
How does that happen?
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251. He's a fucking virgin.
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252. I knew it. That makes so much
sense, man. Look, he's a virgin.
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253. You guys are hilarious. All
right, come on, don't be mean.
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254. I'm not being mean. I'm
trying to help the partner out.
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255. I'm trying to say
I wanna get you laid, dude.
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256. I understand
what's going on.
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257. You guys are so up your asses.
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258. From now on, your dick is my
dick. I'm getting you some pussy.
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259. A bag of sand! Come on, man!
You could do better than that.
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260. God, me so horny?
Me so stupid!
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261. Oh, come on.
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262. It's gonna be fine.
They don't even remember.
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263. Those guys are cool.
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264. This is gonna be bad.
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265. Yeah, well,
virgin's not a dirty word.
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266. You know what's a dirty word,
is asshole
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267. and that's what you guys are.
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268. You know, I may not have had
sex, but I could fuck you up.
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269. Yeah.
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270. Come on.
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271. - Hey, David.
- Hey, Andy.
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272. - What's up?
- Cal, good morning.
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273. - Hey, Andy.
- Hey.
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274. We're gonna have to get you
some punani.
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275. Andy, it's going down,
partner. We're gonna be...
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276. This for you, partner,
this for you.
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277. Waves of them coming at you
on Friday, Saturday.
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278. By Sunday,
your nuts gonna be drained.
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279. Hey, Andy, don't let him bother
you. It's okay not to have sex.
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280. Not everybody
is a pussy magnet.
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281. - What are you? 25?
- I'm 40.
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282. Holy shit, man.
You've got to get on that.
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283. Life isn't about sex. Life
is about children and passion.
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284. Yeah.
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285. - And spirit.
- Yeah, life's about passion.
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286. It's not about fucking
and balls and pussy.
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287. It's about love.
It's about people.
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288. It's about connection.
It's all about connections.
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289. It's not about cock and ass
and tits and butthole pleasures.
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290. It's not about
butthole pleasures at all.
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291. It's not about this rusty
trombone and dirty Sanchez.
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292. - Please stop.
- And Cincinnati bowtie.
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293. And your pussy juice cocktail
and this shit-stained balls.
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294. - Mooj, just please stop.
- Just relax...
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295. All right.
That's enough, party's over.
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296. Let the virgin
get back to work.
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297. Andy!
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298. Andy, come on.
We were just kidding.
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299. Pointless.
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300. Andy, nobody cares
that you're a virgin.
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301. Don't be such a baby.
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302. They were just having fun.
They didn't mean anything.
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303. - Get away from me, David.
- Wait a minute.
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304. - Stop following me!
- Hold up.
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305. Hold on. I'm gonna
have to quit my job now.
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306. You don't have to
quit your job.
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307. You know what, I don't wanna
go out with you guys.
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308. Fine.
Okay? I don't need your help.
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309. Okay, fine, you don't have to
go out with us if you don't want.
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310. You know what, I respect
women, I love women.
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311. I respect them so much that I
completely stay away from them.
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312. Okay.
I have a very fulfilling life.
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313. And now, I am making
your silver pants blue.
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314. Get some road burn, come on!
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315. Come on, sucker!
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316. Now, pretty ladies
around the world
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317. Got a weird thing
to show you
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318. Oh, my God!
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319. Hey, Will and Grace,
back to work.
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320. Hey, Haziz, can you just
give us a second?
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321. We're just kind of
in the middle of something.
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322. I'm on my break, okay?
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323. Fuck off, Haziz.
Leave us alone, all right?
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324. - Fuck off? Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
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325. - Fuck you! Fuck off.
- Fuck off.
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326. I'm gonna kick you
in the nuts, asshole.
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327. Hey, hey! Watch the language,
okay? I have a family.
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328. Watch how you talk to me!
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329. It's a free country, Bambi. I
can smoke out here if I want to.
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330. Smoke my pole.
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331. You are a very unkind man.
Get inside!
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332. This is not professional.
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333. Paula,
this asshole over here...
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334. - It's okay.
- Paula!
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335. It's all right. Come on.
You know, it's just...
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336. So, how could this
not have happened?
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337. It just never happened.
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338. When I was young, I tried,
and it didn't happen.
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339. And then I got older and I got
more and more nervous
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340. because it hadn't happened
yet. And I got kind of
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341. weirded out about it. Then
it really didn't happen
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342. and then, I don't know,
I just kind of stopped trying.
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343. Do you want to give it
another shot?
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344. Maybe it's too late.
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345. Sometimes I feel that
it is just too late for me.
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346. No, that's crazy.
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347. You're 40 years old.
You know, 40 is the new 20.
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348. You wanna spend the next
60 years of your life
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349. never experiencing sex?
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350. And not just sex, but love
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351. and a relationship, and laughing
and cuddling and all that shit.
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352. I don't know.
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353. I wouldn't know what to do.
Look, you gotta take a risk.
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354. You gotta risk it.
Look at me.
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355. I went out with this girl
for four months
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356. and it was the greatest,
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357. greatest thing in my life.
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358. Until she went down on this
guy in an Escalade, I think.
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359. And, you know,
instead of saying,
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360. "Okay, what am I doing
that caused this behavior?"
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361. I dumped her. Stupid decision.
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362. I spent the last two years
of my life regretting it.
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363. Why don't you
get her back right now?
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364. Because she's dating
this pot dealer.
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365. Stupid horrible decision.
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366. But, hey, that's her journey,
you know. I gotta respect that.
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367. I gotta give her the space.
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368. She wants to be some immature
little bitch and blow everybody,
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369. that's love, man.
It sounds horrible.
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370. Of course it's horrible.
It's suffering
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371. and it's pain and it's...
You know, you lose weight
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372. and then you
put back on weight
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373. and then you call them
a bunch of times
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374. and you try and email and then
they move or they change their email
Copy !req
375. but that's just love.
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376. Do you realize that
this is the first time
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377. we've spoken for more than,
like, 30 seconds?
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378. Uh-huh.
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379. It's kind of nice.
Come out with us this weekend.
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380. No pressure.
We'll just have a good time.
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381. Okay, yeah, I will.
I'll give it a shot.
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382. Great.
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383. But I'm not going to have sex
with anybody.
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384. Good, sex should be
the last thing on your mind.
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385. Logjam. Hi.
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386. Shit.
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387. Oh, God.
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388. Sorry.
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389. See you later.
Thanks for the dance.
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390. I'm okay. It's all right.
Copy !req
391. Oh, come on, bus!
Copy !req
392. Oh, come on, dogs!
Copy !req
393. Shit! You gotta be kidding me.
Copy !req
394. I mean, I'm kind of nervous.
I never had oral sex before.
Copy !req
395. Jennifer told me how to do it.
It's gonna kick ass.
Copy !req
396. What are you doing?
Copy !req
397. Okay, just...
We're almost there.
Copy !req
398. We have one.
Houston, we have one.
Copy !req
399. You'll pull my
fucking hair out!
Copy !req
400. We did it.
God!
Copy !req
401. Oh, my God,
you came in your pants.
Copy !req
402. - What did you do?
- I had some Cream of Wheat.
Copy !req
403. - You know what else is sexy?
- What?
Copy !req
404. - Me.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
405. Sucking
Copy !req
406. on your
Copy !req
407. toe.
Copy !req
408. That's what you want to suck on? Yeah.
Copy !req
409. It's just so big and thick.
Okay.
Copy !req
410. Yeah.
Copy !req
411. That tickles.
Copy !req
412. I'm sorry. Oh, no.
Copy !req
413. Your nose is bleeding.
You think?
Copy !req
414. - I'm sorry.
- I'm hot.
Copy !req
415. But, now,
you can't have any of this.
Copy !req
416. You should just
give up forever!
Copy !req
417. Cal, what do you think?
Is this too yellow?
Copy !req
418. No.
Copy !req
419. What's Curious George like
in real life?
Copy !req
420. Come on, man.
Copy !req
421. Wow, this is
pretty crowded.
Copy !req
422. Yeah. Well,
it's $9 beer night.
Copy !req
423. Okay, look now.
Copy !req
424. So, this is what's about
to happen, all right?
Copy !req
425. You about to go run down
some drunk chicks, all right?
Copy !req
426. And don't confuse that with
tipsy. We talking about drunk.
Copy !req
427. I want vomit in the hair,
bruised-up knees.
Copy !req
428. A broken heel is a plus.
Copy !req
429. That's what you
want to find, okay?
Copy !req
430. No, Dave already told me I
didn't have to have sex tonight.
Copy !req
431. And now he's gone, so...
Copy !req
432. Dude, just stop thinking
for a minute, all right?
Copy !req
433. You ain't got to think
on this one.
Copy !req
434. All you got to do
is use your instinct.
Copy !req
435. Show me your instincts.
Copy !req
436. My head, my heart.
I follow my heart.
Copy !req
437. Now, I'm gonna show you this
one time, all right?
Copy !req
438. Instincts.
Show me your instincts.
Copy !req
439. - Show me your instincts.
- They're right here.
Copy !req
440. Own your instincts.
Copy !req
441. All you doing is using
your instinct. That's it.
Copy !req
442. That's how a tiger know
he got to tackle a gazelle.
Copy !req
443. There's a code
written in his DNA.
Copy !req
444. It says, "Tackle the gazelle. " Okay.
Copy !req
445. And believe it or not, in every man,
there's a code written that says,
Copy !req
446. "Tackle drunk bitches. "
No.
Copy !req
447. You know what,
I don't feel comfortable
Copy !req
448. hitting on drunk "bitches,"
you know.
Copy !req
449. I don't think that's right.
Copy !req
450. Okay, hold up.
Copy !req
451. First of all, you making it out
to be some kind of bad thing.
Copy !req
452. I didn't use bitches in a
derogatory sense. You did.
Copy !req
453. It just does...
This doesn't feel right.
Copy !req
454. Of course it don't feel right. What
has felt right for you didn't work.
Copy !req
455. You need to try
some wrong, dawg.
Copy !req
456. Okay, how do I tell
which ones are drunk?
Copy !req
457. Now you're talking.
All right, check this out.
Copy !req
458. You see this redhead over here? Where?
Copy !req
459. With the big old titties. I'm
not gonna stare at a woman.
Copy !req
460. Dawg, I'm not telling you
to stare at nobody.
Copy !req
461. I'm telling you to use your
peripherals. Now look at me.
Copy !req
462. - See. Look. See?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
463. I'm not looking at you.
Copy !req
464. No. I'm looking at...
You're looking at her?
Copy !req
465. What do you want me to do? I
want you to use your peripherals.
Copy !req
466. See? I'm not looking at you.
Copy !req
467. No. See, I'm looking at the redhead
at 3:00 with the big titties.
Copy !req
468. You see her, racked up
right there, see her?
Copy !req
469. - Yes.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
470. You find one with the peripherals. Okay.
Copy !req
471. You see, over by the post.
Copy !req
472. It looks like a...
Copy !req
473. It's either a ficus...
Copy !req
474. It might be
a rubber tree plant.
Copy !req
475. All right, if you're making
a joke, dawg, it's not funny.
Copy !req
476. I see a blonde
and she's very pretty.
Copy !req
477. Better, okay. All right.
Copy !req
478. Now with your peripherals
Yeah.
Copy !req
479. You got to scope out
a hot, drunk chick.
Copy !req
480. And then you should
make your move.
Copy !req
481. Okay? All right.
Yes.
Copy !req
482. And remember, it's more important
that she's drunk than she's hot.
Copy !req
483. For this first one. Go get
her. Peripherals, though.
Copy !req
484. All the way.
Copy !req
485. All peripherals.
Copy !req
486. That boy is stubborn.
Copy !req
487. Hi, I'm Andy.
You look comfortable.
Copy !req
488. Can I get you
another cocktail?
Copy !req
489. Too drunk.
Copy !req
490. But you got the right idea.
But clinically alive.
Copy !req
491. Hey!
Yo!
Copy !req
492. I'm having trouble
finding the drunk people.
Copy !req
493. You want to know where
there's one? Yeah.
Copy !req
494. I, I, Captain Yellowshirts.
Copy !req
495. Okay. Have a good one.
Copy !req
496. - Yo!
- What?
Copy !req
497. I met a girl and she's here
with a bachelorette party
Copy !req
498. and they invited us
to party with them.
Copy !req
499. Okay, that's good.
It's so good
Copy !req
500. because no one is hornier
than a girl
Copy !req
501. who's about to watch her
friend get married to a guy.
Copy !req
502. It's so funny.
Copy !req
503. So we just decided because this
is my last night as a free woman
Copy !req
504. before I marry Dan,
that we would just wig out.
Copy !req
505. We're wigging out!
Copy !req
506. You guys are hilarious.
Copy !req
507. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
508. Yes, Mr. President. Yes,
the erection results are in.
Copy !req
509. Hey, guys, look,
it's Dr. Seuss' penis.
Copy !req
510. I really mean this.
Copy !req
511. Hey, everybody,
who wants penis cake?
Copy !req
512. I do.
Copy !req
513. She does. Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker.
Copy !req
514. What a good guy. What a...
Copy !req
515. Dan, the guy
Robin's marrying
Copy !req
516. is such a good guy.
Copy !req
517. He sounds like a good guy.
Copy !req
518. I hated him for like two years
'cause he cheated on me.
Copy !req
519. But...
Copy !req
520. he's really changed now.
Copy !req
521. He's a really good guy now.
Your friends seem nice.
Copy !req
522. You have really kind eyes,
you know that?
Copy !req
523. Thanks. Your hat
has sequins.
Copy !req
524. Mmm.
Copy !req
525. - Your hands are on my belt.
- What?
Copy !req
526. - Your hands are on my belt.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
527. It's good.
Copy !req
528. You're cute.
Copy !req
529. This is kind of lame.
You wanna get out of here?
Copy !req
530. Okay, yeah.
Copy !req
531. Yeah.
Fuck.
Copy !req
532. - Come on.
- Okay.
Copy !req
533. You wanna drive?
Copy !req
534. I don't have a car
with me here, so...
Copy !req
535. That's cool, I'll just suck it up.
Copy !req
536. I'm driving.
Copy !req
537. Are you drunk?
Copy !req
538. No, I didn't have anything
to drink.
Copy !req
539. - Blow into this?
- Okay.
Copy !req
540. - What is this?
- The judge recommended I get one.
Copy !req
541. Whoa, okay. Wow.
That's fast.
Copy !req
542. Okay.
Come on, you're in the lasso.
Copy !req
543. And Dan's like, "You're
such a B-I-T-C-H, bitch!"
Copy !req
544. And I'm like,
"You're the bitch, bitch. "
Copy !req
545. - You know?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
546. What was your name again?
Copy !req
547. - Andy.
- Andy.
Copy !req
548. Let me tell you something,
Andy. Don't ever be named Dan.
Copy !req
549. Dan rhymes with man,
and men jerk off.
Copy !req
550. And he was a jerk-off.
Copy !req
551. - Do you know what I mean?
- Yo! Look out! The car!
Copy !req
552. Wow.
I like you.
Copy !req
553. You're not a...
Copy !req
554. Ugh.
Copy !req
555. I think I ate some bad
shellfish sandwich or something.
Copy !req
556. - You're cute.
- No.
Copy !req
557. - That tasted good.
- That tasted like shellfish.
Copy !req
558. Look out! Sorry.
Copy !req
559. Watch it!
Copy !req
560. Do you think I'm pretty?
Oh, yes.
Copy !req
561. Oh, God, yes!
Copy !req
562. You're not looking at me.
Yes, you're pretty.
Copy !req
563. Do you think I'm pretty?
Look at me.
Copy !req
564. - Look at me!
- I'm looking! You're pretty!
Copy !req
565. God, I just wanna live!
Copy !req
566. God, I hope
I get my period soon.
Copy !req
567. I am in a bad mood.
Okay.
Copy !req
568. I'm so tired.
Copy !req
569. Hey, whoa!
Copy !req
570. Oh, God! Turn away!
Copy !req
571. Hey, get off the wheel.
Copy !req
572. You're not gonna get in
my pants acting like that.
Copy !req
573. I'm starving.
Copy !req
574. Let's get some
fucking French toast.
Copy !req
575. Okay, here we are.
Oh, God, we made it.
Copy !req
576. Home sweet home.
Copy !req
577. Oh, mommy!
Copy !req
578. Are you okay? The fucker
came out of nowhere.
Copy !req
579. Okay. We're okay.
Copy !req
580. Are you okay?
Copy !req
581. Well, are you...
What's the matter?
Copy !req
582. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
583. That's okay. I think I
kind of had that coming.
Copy !req
584. I'll still have sex with you
if you want.
Copy !req
585. You know what, I think I'm gonna
pass on the sex, if you don't mind.
Copy !req
586. At least I don't have
to work out tomorrow.
Copy !req
587. Did you have a daiquiri tonight? Yeah.
Copy !req
588. I thought you might.
Copy !req
589. It was a very bad night.
Copy !req
590. Yeah, laugh.
Copy !req
591. You know what, you guys
wouldn't be laughing right now...
Copy !req
592. if some girl had just vomited
shellfish sandwich into your mouth.
Copy !req
593. You know what, you're right,
it's my bad.
Copy !req
594. Let me apologize to you
first of all...
Copy !req
595. for not mentioning in detail that
when you pick up a drunk woman...
Copy !req
596. who's falling down
on her way out of the bar...
Copy !req
597. - that you should probably drive.
- I drive a bike.
Copy !req
598. Okay, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong,
who asked you to drive a bike?
Copy !req
599. You know what, I'm not the
only person in the world...
Copy !req
600. who rides a bike.
Copy !req
601. Yeah, everyone rides a bike,
when they're fucking six.
Copy !req
602. Why don't you kiss something?
Copy !req
603. Because this is over,
you guys, okay?
Copy !req
604. Can I just interject
for a second?
Copy !req
605. Let me just say...
Copy !req
606. you're putting the pussy up
on this pedestal.
Copy !req
607. You're just building
the pussy up, man.
Copy !req
608. What are you even
talking about?
Copy !req
609. "Building the pussy up",
what does that mean?
Copy !req
610. You making the pussy into this great
big Greek goddess named Pussalia...
Copy !req
611. and what you're doing is...
Copy !req
612. you're psyching yourself into
thinking it's some impossible feat.
Copy !req
613. Yeah, I think
you're right.
Copy !req
614. I'm putting the pussy up
on a pedestal.
Copy !req
615. - Right.
- That's it.
Copy !req
616. It's "Pussalia," right?
Copy !req
617. - Look where you going.
- I don't wanna say the word anymore.
Copy !req
618. - Say what word?
- "Pussy. " I don't wanna say it.
Copy !req
619. Fuck it.
"Pussy" is a scientific word.
Copy !req
620. Dude! New pants, man.
Copy !req
621. You know what, Dave?
Copy !req
622. You know, you said there wasn't
gonna be any pressure at all.
Copy !req
623. - I'm not pressuring you.
- Excuse me.
Copy !req
624. Can one of you guys
help me, please?
Copy !req
625. No hablo English, lady.
Copy !req
626. I actually am helping
a customer right now.
Copy !req
627. Okay, well...
I'm on break.
Copy !req
628. But our stock supervisor
is very knowledgeable.
Copy !req
629. He can answer all of your
questions and he'd love to help you.
Copy !req
630. Thank you.
Copy !req
631. Have a nice day.
You, too.
Copy !req
632. - Great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish.
- Hi, Andy is my name.
Copy !req
633. - This one looks pretty good.
- You don't wanna buy that VCR.
Copy !req
634. I don't?
Copy !req
635. No, actually to be
totally honest with you...
Copy !req
636. you don't wanna buy
any VCR.
Copy !req
637. It's a dead technology.
Copy !req
638. It's like getting
an eight-track player.
Copy !req
639. - Yeah.
- Or a Betamax.
Copy !req
640. You know what, actually
I'd recommend this one.
Copy !req
641. This is a dual.
Copy !req
642. You've got the VCR
and DVD combo.
Copy !req
643. So, you know, that technology
would be probably pretty good for...
Copy !req
644. - Six months or so?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
645. That's good.
Copy !req
646. At best. Sorry.
Copy !req
647. - No.
- As good as it gets.
Copy !req
648. Okay, that sounds good,
then.
Copy !req
649. Okay, all right.
Copy !req
650. It's perfect.
Sorry.
Copy !req
651. Coming through.
Copy !req
652. Okay.
Copy !req
653. God, you know, it's so funny,
I work right across the street...
Copy !req
654. and I've never been
in this place.
Copy !req
655. Really? Where at?
Yeah.
Copy !req
656. The "We Sell Your Stuff On eBay" store.
Copy !req
657. - Yes.
- And that's the name?
Copy !req
658. Yeah, I was
looking for something...
Copy !req
659. you know, obvious.
So I chose that.
Copy !req
660. I don't understand.
So, what, you do what?
Copy !req
661. Well, I take the stuff
that you don't want...
Copy !req
662. and then I "sell" it
on eBay.
Copy !req
663. But you don't actually
sell anything in the store?
Copy !req
664. No. I don't.
Copy !req
665. So why do you have a store?
Copy !req
666. I don't know.
Copy !req
667. No, I think it's because, you know,
I wanna maybe look professional
Copy !req
668. and not like a crazy person who's
just gonna steal all your shit.
Copy !req
669. Sure. I didn't
mean anything by that.
Copy !req
670. No, it's okay.
Copy !req
671. You know what, you should come
by sometime if you want, you know
Copy !req
672. see it for yourself,
check it out.
Copy !req
673. I'll check out
your empty store.
Copy !req
674. Yeah, it's the one across
the street that's not empty.
Copy !req
675. Here's my number. So...
Copy !req
676. All right.
So, just anytime.
Copy !req
677. Why do I need your number if
you're across the street, though?
Copy !req
678. I don't really have a good
answer for that, Andy. I just...
Copy !req
679. - Sorry.
- Just giving it to you.
Copy !req
680. So I'll write you up, and I'll
meet you over at the register.
Copy !req
681. Okay. And check you out... Check out.
Copy !req
682. - Okay, see you over there.
- Okay.
Copy !req
683. Okay.
Copy !req
684. Awful chatty.
Hey...
Copy !req
685. Look, I think she gave me
her number.
Copy !req
686. She wrote down her number, but
I think she gave me her number.
Copy !req
687. No, she gave you.
Dude, man.
Copy !req
688. See, you still mad at me?
Copy !req
689. - No, I was never.
- Right, you see what I mean?
Copy !req
690. Yeah, we gonna
celebrate it, man. Yeah.
Copy !req
691. - This is pretty cool.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
692. Unbelievable. Come on,
give him some credit, man.
Copy !req
693. The man pulled a number.
Copy !req
694. It's just... I was in...
I can't believe that happened.
Copy !req
695. What you did was you zoned in.
Copy !req
696. Man, she just gave me
her number.
Copy !req
697. That's great, man. I'm telling
you, love is a mysterious fig.
Copy !req
698. It is.
Copy !req
699. Okay, here's a question.
When should I call her?
Copy !req
700. - You like her?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
701. You definitely
don't want to call her.
Copy !req
702. When is the next Olympics?
Copy !req
703. So what you just
got to do is...
Copy !req
704. just get you a bunch
of these hood rats...
Copy !req
705. run through them,
just knock them out.
Copy !req
706. Boom, boom, boom.
Copy !req
707. And once you've done slayed
like 20, 30 of them hood rats...
Copy !req
708. now you ready to go up
to the upper echelon type ho.
Copy !req
709. You know what I mean?
I'm not a big ho runner.
Copy !req
710. My uncle used to drive
a ho runner.
Copy !req
711. Screw these analogies.
What he's saying is...
Copy !req
712. you are going to be so bad
at sex the first time...
Copy !req
713. you don't want to have sex
with someone you like...
Copy !req
714. 'cause they'll think you're a
weirdo for being so lame at it.
Copy !req
715. You want to have sex
with hood rats first...
Copy !req
716. so that by the time you get
to the girl you do like...
Copy !req
717. you're not terrible at sex,
you'll be mediocre at it.
Copy !req
718. Probably still
pretty bad, though.
Copy !req
719. Let's put it up for my man
for pulling that number.
Copy !req
720. Way to go, man.
Politicked his ass off.
Copy !req
721. You did politic.
Thanks a lot.
Copy !req
722. Like a train, round the bend.
You ready?
Copy !req
723. Yeah.
Copy !req
724. I can't.
Do it.
Copy !req
725. I can't pee in public.
Gotta do it.
Copy !req
726. I've got a mental block
about it.
Copy !req
727. Come on, do it.
I'm shy!
Copy !req
728. I peed in public!
Copy !req
729. Let me out. I can't
hear what you're saying.
Copy !req
730. I don't want to be in here.
It's a soundproof room.
Copy !req
731. Just learn the techniques.
Right on, man.
Copy !req
732. You guys, this is not funny!
Copy !req
733. Hello.
Copy !req
734. Hey, what you watching?
Copy !req
735. Dawn of the Dead, man.
Great.
Copy !req
736. The store is slow.
Paula's gone.
Copy !req
737. - Yo, is Paula back?
- No. She's not here.
Copy !req
738. She said we can't watch
this in here. You sure?
Copy !req
739. I know. Can I ask you
something in confidence?
Copy !req
740. I know this is gonna
sound weird.
Copy !req
741. Am I good-looking?
Copy !req
742. Do you think a woman
will find me attractive?
Copy !req
743. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
744. Oh, my God, the blood just...
Okay, never mind.
Copy !req
745. Wait, Andy. Hold up.
Copy !req
746. Listen, this is embarrassing for
me. This is hard to talk about.
Copy !req
747. Are you ready for my honest answer? Yes.
Copy !req
748. Yeah. I think you're
a good-looking cat.
Copy !req
749. I don't think
that anybody knows it...
Copy !req
750. and I don't think
anybody can see it.
Copy !req
751. Well,
that's why I'm asking you.
Copy !req
752. You seem really well-groomed
and really put together.
Copy !req
753. I mean, look, dude. You
think this was an accident?
Copy !req
754. All of this right here?
Premeditated, partner.
Copy !req
755. You gotta highlight your attributes,
like a diamond in the rough.
Copy !req
756. You willing to make
some sacrifices?
Copy !req
757. Absolutely.
Copy !req
758. You see that whole Teen Wolf
thing you got going right there?
Copy !req
759. You need to wax
that right out.
Copy !req
760. Does it hurt?
No. Waxing don't hurt.
Copy !req
761. I mean, not unless you're a
bitch. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
762. It didn't hurt me.
I get it done all the time.
Copy !req
763. What the fuck!
Copy !req
764. Fuck that nigga up!
Copy !req
765. Bitch, get out of the room!
Copy !req
766. This is gonna be good.
Copy !req
767. This the one right here,
right? Hi, how are you?
Copy !req
768. So this is your first time
getting body waxed?
Copy !req
769. Yes, it is.
Copy !req
770. Take off your shirt.
Okay.
Copy !req
771. We're gonna need
more wax.
Copy !req
772. I'm staying.
This is gonna be good.
Copy !req
773. And clear all my appointments
in the afternoon.
Copy !req
774. Here we go.
Copy !req
775. That feels warm.
Copy !req
776. I like your sweater.
Does that come in a V-neck?
Copy !req
777. She starts doing his pubes,
I'm out of here.
Copy !req
778. You gonna look good
after this, man.
Copy !req
779. Thanks, man.
Copy !req
780. So, ready?
Yeah.
Copy !req
781. You fucker!
Copy !req
782. I'm sorry.
That's just your job.
Copy !req
783. - You want me to stop now?
- No. It's okay.
Copy !req
784. Let's do another one.
Copy !req
785. That one little patch
looks sexy though.
Copy !req
786. Does it look good?
Yeah, it looks really good.
Copy !req
787. It looks man-tastic.
Copy !req
788. Okay.
Copy !req
789. Wow! I didn't expect that at
all. I really didn't expect that.
Copy !req
790. You got it. The first one
is the only one that hurts.
Copy !req
791. - Yeah.
- Those hairs are pretty deep.
Copy !req
792. Okay.
Copy !req
793. - You ready?
- Yup.
Copy !req
794. Sucker motherfucker!
Copy !req
795. You shithead! I hate you!
Copy !req
796. I hate you so much!
Copy !req
797. That one hurt.
Copy !req
798. That one hurt
just as much as the first one.
Copy !req
799. That's great, man.
Man!
Copy !req
800. One, two, three.
Copy !req
801. Fuck me!
Copy !req
802. In the asshole!
Copy !req
803. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
804. I really don't
swear this much.
Copy !req
805. You know what,
I got a weak stomach.
Copy !req
806. That's all I can really take.
I'll see y'all.
Copy !req
807. Jay.
Be tough, Andy, you got it.
Copy !req
808. Where did Jay go?
He went to throw up.
Copy !req
809. - Ready?
- Yup.
Copy !req
810. One, two.
Copy !req
811. Cocksucker motherfucker!
Copy !req
812. You pulled on two.
Copy !req
813. Why didn't you
pull on three?
Copy !req
814. Freddy pie hole!
Copy !req
815. No! Kelly Clarkson!
Copy !req
816. Y'all done or y'all...
Copy !req
817. That's fucked up.
Oh, shit falls!
Copy !req
818. That's fucked up.
Copy !req
819. I hate you.
Copy !req
820. Stop smiling, you jerk!
Copy !req
821. You pussy.
Copy !req
822. Oh, God. What's next?
Copy !req
823. You're doing the nipple.
Not the nipple.
Copy !req
824. Come on.
Not the nipple.
Copy !req
825. Please, Cal,
hold my hand.
Copy !req
826. You kidding me, man?
Hold my goddamn hand, man.
Copy !req
827. - Do it! Just hold.
- Okay, here we go.
Copy !req
828. Ready?
Copy !req
829. No. Yup.
Copy !req
830. One, two, three.
Copy !req
831. Nipple fuck!
Copy !req
832. Mika, you should
burn in hell!
Copy !req
833. Okay, all right. No,
seriously, I think I'm done.
Copy !req
834. I think we're done.
I think that's good.
Copy !req
835. You know what, guys...
Copy !req
836. this is not
a good look for me!
Copy !req
837. You look like
a man-o'- lantern.
Copy !req
838. Thank you very much.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
Copy !req
839. - Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
840. Thank you.
Thanks.
Copy !req
841. Andy,
I owe you an apology, man.
Copy !req
842. I wasn't very nice to you for
the past two-and-a-half years.
Copy !req
843. You were nice to me.
Copy !req
844. No, I was... I thought
you were really boring and
Copy !req
845. I kind of thought
you were a serial killer.
Copy !req
846. I'm not joking.
Copy !req
847. - Hey!
- Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.
Copy !req
848. Don't worry. There's a lot of
padding in these.
Copy !req
849. I could hurl it off the
balcony, it would be fine.
Copy !req
850. Yeah. It will be fine.
We couldn't break this
Copy !req
851. if we tried.
No problem.
Copy !req
852. Look, you shouldn't listen
to Dave and Jay, okay?
Copy !req
853. Those guys are crazy.
You should listen to me, okay?
Copy !req
854. Look, there is a hot-ass girl
who works right there.
Copy !req
855. There she is, in the bookstore.
You should ask her out, man.
Copy !req
856. Something wrong
with her underpants.
Copy !req
857. Yeah, they're not in my mouth.
Copy !req
858. You know, I kind of
Copy !req
859. like the woman
from the eBay store.
Copy !req
860. That's great, but
Copy !req
861. you're not gonna
get with anyone
Copy !req
862. unless you play
the odds on this, man.
Copy !req
863. You need to plant
a lot of seeds.
Copy !req
864. It's like this. When I
was growing pot, I realized
Copy !req
865. that the more seeds
I planted... Thank you.
Copy !req
866. the more pot
I could ultimately smoke.
Copy !req
867. I think I have all the advice
that I can handle right now.
Copy !req
868. Don't get bitter.
Copy !req
869. I'm not bitter.
I almost lost a nipple, okay?
Copy !req
870. That was Jay's idea, okay?
Copy !req
871. And I wasn't going to say
anything, but waxing your chest is
Copy !req
872. like the gayest thing
you could possibly do, okay?
Copy !req
873. Look at me. Looks are not
important. Really look at me.
Copy !req
874. I am ugly as fuck
by traditional standards
Copy !req
875. but I get with women.
Copy !req
876. Aren't you curious
as to how that's possible?
Copy !req
877. I am not ugly as fuck.
Copy !req
878. I didn't say you were
ugly as...
Copy !req
879. - Well, you implied it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
880. It doesn't matter if you're ugly
as fuck or you're ugly as shit.
Copy !req
881. It's about talking to women,
and I know how to do that
Copy !req
882. because I observe,
because I am a novelist.
Copy !req
883. What? You never
told me that before.
Copy !req
884. That's because I am not
an arrogant prick, Andy.
Copy !req
885. Okay? The problem
most men have is
Copy !req
886. they don't know
how to talk to women.
Copy !req
887. You know what my problem is?
I am not interesting.
Copy !req
888. What am I supposed to say?
"I went to magic camp?"
Copy !req
889. "I'm an accomplished
ventriloquist?"
Copy !req
890. "I am a seventh-degree
imperial yo-yo master. "
Copy !req
891. Do me, yo-yo master.
Copy !req
892. I want you to do me,
'cause you're the yo-yo guy.
Copy !req
893. Are you done? Listen.
Copy !req
894. The problem
most men have is
Copy !req
895. they just plain straight up have
no clue how to talk to women.
Copy !req
896. Just ask questions, okay?
That's it.
Copy !req
897. Because women do not care about what
you have to say at all anyway, you know.
Copy !req
898. And all they want to do
is talk about themselves.
Copy !req
899. So you're just gonna
let them do that.
Copy !req
900. Okay? So remember.
Copy !req
901. Questions, be cool,
and be kind of a dick.
Copy !req
902. Here, be David Caruso
in Jade.
Copy !req
903. Okay. I know exactly
what you're talking about.
Copy !req
904. You do. That's good.
Copy !req
905. There she is.
Copy !req
906. Go plant that seed, man.
Copy !req
907. Plant it with your finger.
Copy !req
908. Can I help you?
Copy !req
909. I don't know. Can you?
Copy !req
910. Are you looking
for something?
Copy !req
911. Is there something
I should be looking for?
Copy !req
912. We have
a lot of books.
Copy !req
913. So, maybe it depends
on what you like.
Copy !req
914. What do you like?
Copy !req
915. We have a great section of...
Copy !req
916. do-it-yourself.
Copy !req
917. Do you like to
"do it yourself"?
Copy !req
918. Sometimes. I mean...
Copy !req
919. if the mood strikes.
Copy !req
920. How is the mood
striking you now?
Copy !req
921. What's your name?
Copy !req
922. I'm Beth.
Copy !req
923. Andy.
Copy !req
924. Don't tell on me, okay, Andy? I won't.
Copy !req
925. Unless you want
to be told on...
Copy !req
926. Beth.
Copy !req
927. Wow. That totally worked!
Copy !req
928. I literally said nothing.
And she found me fascinating.
Copy !req
929. I would've thought
you were doing that for years.
Copy !req
930. Should I have asked her out?
No. That's the key.
Copy !req
931. You wait for it
to grow into a plant...
Copy !req
932. and then you fuck the plant.
Copy !req
933. Okay.
Copy !req
934. This is easy.
Copy !req
935. All right.
Copy !req
936. Hello, Trish. How you
doing? What's going on?
Copy !req
937. Good joke.
Copy !req
938. This is a fun conversation.
Copy !req
939. Just grow a backbone
and call her.
Copy !req
940. She asked you to call her.
She wants you to call her.
Copy !req
941. Hello.
Copy !req
942. Hey, how you doing?
Copy !req
943. - How you doing?
- I'm well.
Copy !req
944. Who is this?
Copy !req
945. - This is James.
- James. Do I know you, James?
Copy !req
946. I was wondering whether
you had a few minutes...
Copy !req
947. to talk about
a little laundry detergent.
Copy !req
948. Are you a telemarketer, James?
Copy !req
949. Yep.
Copy !req
950. Are you at the top
of a tall building?
Copy !req
951. Can you get to a roof quickly?
Jump off!
Copy !req
952. I mean, you people are sick.
Copy !req
953. Get a real fucking job,
why don't you?
Copy !req
954. Go shoot yourself
in the fucking head.
Copy !req
955. Hey, why don't you just, you
know, get a knife and run into it?
Copy !req
956. Why don't you do that, huh?
Copy !req
957. Okay.
I'll see you later, James.
Copy !req
958. Nice to talk to you. Fuck
your mother, okay? Bye-bye.
Copy !req
959. Oh.
Copy !req
960. Hey, man.
Got a big box of porn for you.
Copy !req
961. Can I come in?
Yeah.
Copy !req
962. Sweet video game chair.
Copy !req
963. So what's in the box?
Copy !req
964. It's my personal collection
of erotica.
Copy !req
965. I want to give it to you.
Copy !req
966. I think there might be a few tapes
in there that just might open up...
Copy !req
967. Pandora's box of love.
Copy !req
968. Okay.
Copy !req
969. Amy and I, we used to
watch Harry Twatter...
Copy !req
970. and we'd put it on
the television...
Copy !req
971. and then act it out
as it was going on...
Copy !req
972. and it was...
Copy !req
973. She's adorable.
Copy !req
974. Fucking bitch.
Copy !req
975. Well, you know, this is
really gracious and kind...
Copy !req
976. and generous and everything.
Copy !req
977. But I just don't want a big
box of porn in my apartment.
Copy !req
978. There's some really
great stuff in here.
Copy !req
979. Really great movies in here,
man.
Copy !req
980. Hey, did you ever see
School of Rock?
Copy !req
981. Yeah.
Well, this is...
Copy !req
982. It's called School of...
Copy !req
983. You know...
Copy !req
984. That's nice.
But it stars Jack Black Cock.
Copy !req
985. That makes sense.
Copy !req
986. Dude, here it is.
Copy !req
987. Boner Jams '03.
It's a mixed tape I made.
Copy !req
988. All these great scenes that I was
really into in the summer of 2003.
Copy !req
989. I think you'd really dig it.
Yeah. Now I can see that.
Copy !req
990. This is...
Copy !req
991. Everybody Loves Raymond.
Copy !req
992. That's probably
not supposed to be...
Copy !req
993. This is a good show.
I just tape it sometimes.
Copy !req
994. Well, I don't think
you understand something, Dave.
Copy !req
995. I don't want this stuff, okay?
Because I don't do that, that much.
Copy !req
996. - What, masturbate?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
997. Dude, I've jacked it twice
since I've been here.
Copy !req
998. Are you kidding me? Why not?
It's not a hobby of mine.
Copy !req
999. Well, then, that's the
only hobby you don't have.
Copy !req
1000. No, seriously, I just don't
feel comfortable talking about...
Copy !req
1001. You need to.
You're wound up.
Copy !req
1002. You're like one of these
action figures...
Copy !req
1003. all hermetically sealed
in your box.
Copy !req
1004. You gotta play with...
Don't!
Copy !req
1005. Don't take it out!
Copy !req
1006. I'm sorry.
You know what, it's just...
Copy !req
1007. It loses its value if you
take it out of its packaging.
Copy !req
1008. I'm just saying, let it out. Give
it some air, man. Play with it.
Copy !req
1009. Take your porn with you.
I'm not taking it.
Copy !req
1010. Take your box-o-porn.
Copy !req
1011. It's my gift to you.
No. I don't want it.
Copy !req
1012. David, it's not...
Copy !req
1013. Andy, for the last time...
Copy !req
1014. I don't want your giant box
of pornography.
Copy !req
1015. No, no, no!
Come on, man.
Copy !req
1016. So uncool.
Copy !req
1017. Uncool?
Copy !req
1018. Uncool is trying to give an
honest man a big box of porn, Andy.
Copy !req
1019. For the last time,
I don't want to watch
Copy !req
1020. School of Cock with you.
Copy !req
1021. It's nothing official.
Copy !req
1022. Just a little token
of my appreciation.
Copy !req
1023. Hi, Andy.
I'm gonna talk dirty to you.
Copy !req
1024. I want to have
lots of sexy sex with you.
Copy !req
1025. I want to touch
your big, fat noodle
Copy !req
1026. 'cause I want to have
naughty intercourse with you.
Copy !req
1027. I want you to put your penis
on, I mean, in me, Andy.
Copy !req
1028. I want to do lots of,
lots of sexy,
Copy !req
1029. hot things with you. Shit.
Copy !req
1030. This really isn't working,
Andy. I don't know what to say
Copy !req
1031. because I am you.
Copy !req
1032. Okay. New tape.
Copy !req
1033. Nothing is ever good enough
and it's always our fault.
Copy !req
1034. Hey, you can't speak
to your m other like that.
Copy !req
1035. You do.
She's not m y m other.
Copy !req
1036. I heard Dave gave you
the box of porn.
Copy !req
1037. Yeah, he did.
Copy !req
1038. You ever watch, like,
Primetime Live
Copy !req
1039. when they take a black light
into a hotel room
Copy !req
1040. and show you all the semen
all over the bedspread?
Copy !req
1041. Yeah.
Copy !req
1042. You blind someone
with that box.
Copy !req
1043. Could see that thing
from space.
Copy !req
1044. This right here, you looking at
the Bentley of big screen TVs.
Copy !req
1045. I'm talking about, this is the
Rolls-Royce of big screen...
Copy !req
1046. Sometimes, I think these
butterflies are in here.
Copy !req
1047. I think he might be
fooling us all, though.
Copy !req
1048. Really?
Copy !req
1049. I actually think he might be,
like, some genius
Copy !req
1050. and this is like
some big, like, hilarious...
Copy !req
1051. Like he's bored at work and he
just wanted to kick up some shit,
Copy !req
1052. so he told us all
he's a virgin.
Copy !req
1053. You're seeing that a lot
of stuff that's not there.
Copy !req
1054. You're just projecting
all over him.
Copy !req
1055. He might be an idiot savant
Copy !req
1056. but he's not, like,
clever enough to go that deep.
Copy !req
1057. But he's got a great body.
Copy !req
1058. Would you fuck him?
In a New York minute.
Copy !req
1059. You would fuck him?
Absolutely.
Copy !req
1060. Hey, Andy, what are you doing
for lunch?
Copy !req
1061. I don't know.
I have a turkey sandwich.
Copy !req
1062. We're gonna go around the corner.
I think you should come with us.
Copy !req
1063. There's this great place.
A lot of cute girls.
Copy !req
1064. I don't know. Okay.
Copy !req
1065. We brought you a shirt.
Copy !req
1066. This place is pretty fancy.
Copy !req
1067. Something going on?
Copy !req
1068. Hey, who's ready
to have some fun?
Copy !req
1069. Hey, guys...
Copy !req
1070. No, don't ignore me.
I know what this is.
Copy !req
1071. Within one hour,
you'll each have 20 dates.
Copy !req
1072. Don't... Please don't do this.
I saw this on Primetime Live.
Copy !req
1073. All right, ninja master.
Copy !req
1074. We've given you all the advice
we have to give.
Copy !req
1075. Now you gonna put it
in action.
Copy !req
1076. Advice? You guys all
gave me different advice.
Copy !req
1077. - He thinks you're a pothead.
- I am.
Copy !req
1078. Dude. Hey, partner.
What are you whining about?
Copy !req
1079. You asked for this shit.
No, I didn't.
Copy !req
1080. Will you just quit whining
like a bitch?
Copy !req
1081. - I'm not whining like a bitch.
- You are whining like a bitch.
Copy !req
1082. And you about to cram like 10
years of pimpage into one day.
Copy !req
1083. - I don't want to cram pimpage.
- Partner, after that
Copy !req
1084. you on my level. Come on.
Copy !req
1085. Just ask questions.
This is a bad idea.
Copy !req
1086. - Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
Copy !req
1087. I'm fine.
Copy !req
1088. Are you fine?
Copy !req
1089. Yeah.
Copy !req
1090. You're fine then?
Copy !req
1091. Are you fucking retarded? What
the hell's the matter with you?
Copy !req
1092. Do you want me to be
fucking retarded?
Copy !req
1093. When I look into the eyes of
the children and the parents
Copy !req
1094. and they are smiling
and saying,
Copy !req
1095. "Thank you, Dr. Montalban,
you saved my child",
Copy !req
1096. it was worth it.
Copy !req
1097. Amy,
Copy !req
1098. what are you doing here?
David.
Copy !req
1099. And you are Gina?
Gina.
Copy !req
1100. Hey, what's up?
Nothing.
Copy !req
1101. Look, I'm going to be
real honest with you.
Copy !req
1102. It's been a long time
since I've been with a man.
Copy !req
1103. Spent a lot of time
with the ladies.
Copy !req
1104. Looking to get back up
on that pogo stick.
Copy !req
1105. You know what I'm saying?
Excuse me.
Copy !req
1106. Remember that time when we made
love and you cried in my arms?
Copy !req
1107. Please don't reminisce about
the times we fucked, please.
Copy !req
1108. It's so creepy.
Let's go to Paris.
Copy !req
1109. I want to take you underneath the
Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
Copy !req
1110. - Cut it out.
- Cut what out?
Copy !req
1111. This go to Paris! We've been
broken up for like two years, man.
Copy !req
1112. I don't want to
date you anymore.
Copy !req
1113. You're a whore.
I am not a whore.
Copy !req
1114. I just didn't like you.
Copy !req
1115. This is so us.
Copy !req
1116. - Psycho talk.
- What?
Copy !req
1117. - You're a good-looking man.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1118. Very pretty.
Real soft, delicate features.
Copy !req
1119. You're real feminine, you
know, which is good for me
Copy !req
1120. because that would be
a simple sort of transition.
Copy !req
1121. You know what I'm saying?
Copy !req
1122. Maybe throw a little rouge
on you, tuck your sac back.
Copy !req
1123. - You game?
- No.
Copy !req
1124. You need to stop fucking
around with my friend, okay?
Copy !req
1125. Because you're giving him hope,
and it's driving the man crazy.
Copy !req
1126. I moved, I changed my e-mail
address, my phone number.
Copy !req
1127. He's practically
stalking me.
Copy !req
1128. Well, I didn't know all that.
So, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1129. I love Minnesota.
Copy !req
1130. I grew up in a town
outside of Minneapolis
Copy !req
1131. with a population of, like,
500 people. Really small.
Copy !req
1132. Yeah, it's like
the Land of a Thousand Lakes.
Copy !req
1133. What about you? You're used
to, like, a really big city.
Copy !req
1134. Really... God, yes.
Copy !req
1135. The town that I grew up in
was really small. I mean,
Copy !req
1136. you know, it was just so safe.
There was no crime.
Copy !req
1137. I mean, a girl could just walk
from one end of town to the other
Copy !req
1138. and just, you know,
feel completely safe.
Copy !req
1139. You suppose he's had enough?
Copy !req
1140. Spank bank has
once again been filled.
Copy !req
1141. I'll tell you
who's the hottest.
Copy !req
1142. You're gonna think I'm crazy.
Let me tell you. Gina.
Copy !req
1143. Can't get va-Gina out of
my head. Va-Gina all week.
Copy !req
1144. You know what's a fun game?
Huh?
Copy !req
1145. You take three
Excedrin PMs...
Copy !req
1146. and you see if you could whack
off before you fall asleep.
Copy !req
1147. You always win is the
best part about the game.
Copy !req
1148. - Are you Andy?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1149. Is this yours?
Did you write this stuff?
Copy !req
1150. My girlfriend, Jill, found
your speed-dating card.
Copy !req
1151. Yeah, right.
Copy !req
1152. God, I've been looking
for that speed-dating card.
Copy !req
1153. Thank you so much
for bringing it to me.
Copy !req
1154. So, you actually wrote
that one girl looked like...
Copy !req
1155. she was
"hurting for a squirting"?
Copy !req
1156. Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Hurting for
a squirting, I wrote that.
Copy !req
1157. So you wrote
"ho fo sho. "
Copy !req
1158. Yeah, I remember that girl.
She was a ho.
Copy !req
1159. Fo sho.
Copy !req
1160. Let me show you
how this device works.
Copy !req
1161. Right, I'm just looking
for a cordless phone.
Copy !req
1162. Yup, it's great. You can do
anything, make video diaries...
Copy !req
1163. Hey, Amy, how's it going?
How you feeling? I'm great.
Copy !req
1164. I feel fantastic
since we broke up.
Copy !req
1165. I feel awesome!
Copy !req
1166. Can you just show me the department
where there would be phones?
Copy !req
1167. How have you been?
What's been going on...
Copy !req
1168. I bet... Hey, have you been
doing a lot of this?
Copy !req
1169. Sir, please, sir.
Copy !req
1170. You are never gonna
meet anybody...
Copy !req
1171. with that kind of mentality about
women, you sick son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1172. Who the fuck are you
to put me on trial?
Copy !req
1173. I've never even met you.
Copy !req
1174. So why don't you
back the shit off, all right?
Copy !req
1175. And stop with the inquisition.
Copy !req
1176. That's how you talk?
Copy !req
1177. You know what,
I don't have to answer to you.
Copy !req
1178. You ain't my bitch.
Copy !req
1179. Know what I saying?
Copy !req
1180. So, shit, man. Fuck it.
Copy !req
1181. You shouldn't even be
hanging out with this pervert.
Copy !req
1182. I don't hang out with him.
I work with him and that's it.
Copy !req
1183. I tried to introduce him
to a few nice people...
Copy !req
1184. he made a fool of himself.
Copy !req
1185. I don't mess with him, baby.
That's not me.
Copy !req
1186. You should keep your ho
on a leash.
Copy !req
1187. Bro, I can't let you...
Hey.
Copy !req
1188. I can't let you be talking
to my woman like that, dawg.
Copy !req
1189. Know what I'm saying?
Bitch is running wild, man.
Copy !req
1190. You miss that ass?
That's the ass of a free man.
Copy !req
1191. That ass is going out tonight,
maybe to a club.
Copy !req
1192. Maybe to a night club.
Copy !req
1193. Hey, Andy...
Copy !req
1194. take a look at your pal.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1195. Yeah, he's performing
a public colonoscopy.
Copy !req
1196. Isn't that sweet?
Copy !req
1197. I'm gonna send
David home for the day...
Copy !req
1198. and you're gonna
fill in for him.
Copy !req
1199. What? Selling things?
You got that right.
Copy !req
1200. I don't think
that's a good idea.
Copy !req
1201. And you're gonna have to
talk to people, too.
Copy !req
1202. I know that's a frightening
concept to you...
Copy !req
1203. but I think you can handle it.
Copy !req
1204. So get out there
and start selling some shit.
Copy !req
1205. thing for Amy.
Copy !req
1206. - Hold it.
- Check it out.
Copy !req
1207. I miss her.
Copy !req
1208. Dude, the floor's
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Copy !req
1209. All you got to do
is go make your pick now.
Copy !req
1210. Come on, man.
Okay.
Copy !req
1211. And you could act
a little enthused about it.
Copy !req
1212. Yeah.
Copy !req
1213. That's right. That's right.
Gazelle in the pink top.
Copy !req
1214. - Oh, shit.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1215. Looks like you're
checking out digital cameras.
Copy !req
1216. You know what, he ain't going
to do it willingly.
Copy !req
1217. No. We need to, like, really
facilitate things a bit more.
Copy !req
1218. - Yo, Andy.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1219. What's up, dude?
This is Jay, man.
Copy !req
1220. Hey, Jay.
Copy !req
1221. I am throwing a party tonight.
Copy !req
1222. It's gonna be real mellow,
just chilled up.
Copy !req
1223. Now, you really
need to be there.
Copy !req
1224. It's gonna be
really, really colorful.
Copy !req
1225. Are you free?
Copy !req
1226. Yeah, I think so.
Copy !req
1227. That was a joke, man.
I know you're free.
Copy !req
1228. - I'm okay.
- Gotta go, man.
Copy !req
1229. All right, bye.
Copy !req
1230. So, tell me, Montel...
Copy !req
1231. why weren't we invited to the
party? What are we, Al-Qaeda?
Copy !req
1232. No, hold up.
Copy !req
1233. No, no. It's not that
kind of party, y'all.
Copy !req
1234. You're not coming to our
fucking party either, okay?
Copy !req
1235. Fuck you, okay?
Copy !req
1236. First of all,
it ain't that kind of party.
Copy !req
1237. - Go fuck a goat.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1238. Why you always telling me
to fuck a goat, man?
Copy !req
1239. Fuck a goat!
Copy !req
1240. Hello?
Copy !req
1241. Hello.
Copy !req
1242. Hello. Hi.
Copy !req
1243. - Are you here for Jay's party?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1244. I am Jay's party.
Copy !req
1245. You know what, hiring a transvestite
prostitute isn't helping me, man.
Copy !req
1246. What? Ain't nobody hired
no damn transvestite.
Copy !req
1247. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1248. She was really nice,
incidentally.
Copy !req
1249. If that sister
was a transvestite...
Copy !req
1250. that was the Mona Lisa
of transvestites.
Copy !req
1251. You got a hummer
from the tranny, didn't you?
Copy !req
1252. You know, aren't we owed one now?
'Cause technically we paid her.
Copy !req
1253. She had a dick, man.
Copy !req
1254. Do you guys even like me?
Copy !req
1255. Or is this some sort of cruel
joke that you're all in on?
Copy !req
1256. Because I'm not a freak.
I'm a good person.
Copy !req
1257. I always thought that Matt Damon
was like a Streisand, but...
Copy !req
1258. I think that he's rocking
the shit in this one.
Copy !req
1259. Shut up, Dave!
Copy !req
1260. Hold up. Let's just chill on
the aggression for a minute.
Copy !req
1261. Look at him.
He is such a bad ass.
Copy !req
1262. He looks
just like Luke Wilson.
Copy !req
1263. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1264. So you saying
she was definitely a man?
Copy !req
1265. Yes.
Copy !req
1266. Okay, well, how do you know
that she was a man?
Copy !req
1267. Because her hands were
as big as André the Giant's.
Copy !req
1268. And she had an Adam's apple
as big as her balls.
Copy !req
1269. So you have no proof.
Copy !req
1270. You know what?
Just leave me alone.
Copy !req
1271. Just stay away from me.
Or I'm gonna tell Paula...
Copy !req
1272. that you're all stealing
the recordable CDs.
Copy !req
1273. Come on. That's like
we were paid to do it.
Copy !req
1274. We did this
'cause we're your friends...
Copy !req
1275. and we didn't think you have
the balls to do it yourself.
Copy !req
1276. Really?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1277. Okay, watch this.
Copy !req
1278. Yo, Andy,
it's just CDs, man.
Copy !req
1279. That's a third strike
for me, dawg.
Copy !req
1280. Hi.
Copy !req
1281. Andy. Hi.
Right, yeah.
Copy !req
1282. You remember my name.
I did.
Copy !req
1283. How you doing? I'm
great. I like your store.
Copy !req
1284. That's good, yeah. If you
have time, look around. It's...
Copy !req
1285. Okay.
Copy !req
1286. How's business been?
Copy !req
1287. You know, it's coming along.
I mean, it takes a while.
Copy !req
1288. Do you want to go out sometime? Yes.
Copy !req
1289. Yes, I would like that.
That would be great.
Copy !req
1290. I think I'm maybe free this
weekend, if that's okay.
Copy !req
1291. Or you could call me tomorrow
and we can just firm it up.
Copy !req
1292. - Okay. Great.
- Great.
Copy !req
1293. Okay, so I'll call you,
and yeah, that'll be good.
Copy !req
1294. How you doing?
Congratulations.
Copy !req
1295. Okay, so I'll... Yeah.
Copy !req
1296. Can I help you?
Copy !req
1297. Yeah, these are wonderful.
I'll take these.
Copy !req
1298. Thanks, they are. They're great.
The goldfish just crack me up.
Copy !req
1299. Funny.
Copy !req
1300. - Yeah, they are.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1301. Yeah.
They're cute.
Copy !req
1302. I don't actually sell anything
here. I just sell them on eBay.
Copy !req
1303. I don't get it.
Copy !req
1304. Okay.
Copy !req
1305. - Can you help me?
- No, you're on your own here.
Copy !req
1306. Good luck to you, and to you.
And I'll give you a call.
Copy !req
1307. Great. Nice to see you.
Great. Thanks for coming in.
Copy !req
1308. Bye.
Copy !req
1309. So, I guess I'll just
give you some money...
Copy !req
1310. and you can give me
these shoes and...
Copy !req
1311. You know,
I know it seems so strange...
Copy !req
1312. Yes. I'd just rather buy them
from you straight up.
Copy !req
1313. Yeah, I know. I wish it
could be that easy, but...
Copy !req
1314. I wish, too, but you're making
it extremely difficult for me.
Copy !req
1315. I'm just trying to get these
shoes back to my house...
Copy !req
1316. so I can wear them.
Copy !req
1317. I got a corpse in m y way.
Copy !req
1318. Look out. Just kill it.
Copy !req
1319. That's just so not fair
that you have blades and...
Copy !req
1320. I'm telling you, man,
I feel great.
Copy !req
1321. I'm so... It's like a
weight has been lifted.
Copy !req
1322. Celibacy is the way to go, man.
Andy had it right, you know?
Copy !req
1323. Look at him. He looks
younger than all of us...
Copy !req
1324. but he's 10 years older.
Copy !req
1325. Why? Because he's never had
a relationship.
Copy !req
1326. No she-devil sucked
his life force out yet.
Copy !req
1327. Hello?
Hey. Hi. Hello.
Copy !req
1328. Is this Trish?
Copy !req
1329. - Who's calling, please?
- This is Andy.
Copy !req
1330. - Hi, Andy.
- Hi, how you doing?
Copy !req
1331. I'm good. How're you doing?
I'm doing great.
Copy !req
1332. So you're gay, now?
Copy !req
1333. No, I'm not gay.
I'm just celibate.
Copy !req
1334. I think...
I mean, that sounds gay.
Copy !req
1335. I just want you to know that
this is the first conversation...
Copy !req
1336. of three conversations
that leads to you being gay.
Copy !req
1337. There's this and then in a
year it's like, "You know...
Copy !req
1338. "I'm kind of going to wanna get back
out there, but I think I like guys. "
Copy !req
1339. And then there's the big,
"I'm a gay guy now. "
Copy !req
1340. You're gay for saying that.
I'm gay for saying that?
Copy !req
1341. You know how I know you're gay?
How? How do you know I'm gay?
Copy !req
1342. 'Cause you macraméd yourself
a pair of jean shorts.
Copy !req
1343. You know how I know
you're gay?
Copy !req
1344. You just told me you're not
sleeping with women anymore.
Copy !req
1345. You know how I know you're gay? How?
Copy !req
1346. 'Cause you're gay and you can
tell who other gay people are?
Copy !req
1347. Do you know how I know you're gay? How?
Copy !req
1348. You like Coldplay.
Copy !req
1349. You're dead.
Copy !req
1350. Come on.
Copy !req
1351. Leave my torso alone
at least.
Copy !req
1352. I also wanted to call...
Copy !req
1353. and see what night
you might want to go out.
Copy !req
1354. I'm actually free tonight.
Copy !req
1355. Okay. Now, I was thinking maybe
this weekend, but that's good. Okay.
Copy !req
1356. Great.
Copy !req
1357. Okay, what time
do you want to pick me up?
Copy !req
1358. Let's see.
Copy !req
1359. That's actually kind of a
problem because I ride a bike.
Copy !req
1360. That's cool.
Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
1361. I love getting on the back
of a motorcycle.
Copy !req
1362. My boyfriend in college
drove a motorcycle.
Copy !req
1363. So, I mean, I'm cool.
Copy !req
1364. Yeah, I bet that was cool.
I ride a bicycle.
Copy !req
1365. You know how I know
that you're gay?
Copy !req
1366. How?
Copy !req
1367. You like the movie
Maid in Manhattan.
Copy !req
1368. You know how I know you're gay? How?
Copy !req
1369. I saw you make a spinach dip in
a loaf of sourdough bread once.
Copy !req
1370. You know how I know you're gay? How?
Copy !req
1371. You have a rainbow bumper
sticker on your car that says:
Copy !req
1372. "I love it
when balls are in my face. "
Copy !req
1373. That's gay?
Copy !req
1374. God damn it!
Copy !req
1375. I'm ripping your head off
right now. It's off.
Copy !req
1376. And now I'm throwing it
at your body.
Copy !req
1377. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1378. You guys...
Copy !req
1379. she's picking me up
in an hour.
Copy !req
1380. Oh, drag, dude.
Copy !req
1381. She's picking you up from here? Yeah.
Copy !req
1382. That's fucked up, man.
Copy !req
1383. - Why?
- Why?
Copy !req
1384. Seriously. I mean,
look at this place, man.
Copy !req
1385. You gotta see this through
the eyes of a woman, you know?
Copy !req
1386. What is she going to think
when she comes in here? Look.
Copy !req
1387. He's got a billion toys.
So what?
Copy !req
1388. And more video games
than a teenaged Asian kid.
Copy !req
1389. It's all right.
Copy !req
1390. Is that the
Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Copy !req
1391. It's Oscar Goldman.
Copy !req
1392. Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money.
Copy !req
1393. That's much more valuable
than Steve Austin.
Copy !req
1394. Well, that may be the case. But
none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Copy !req
1395. I'm not
trying to be sexy, man.
Copy !req
1396. I mean, seriously, Asia?
Copy !req
1397. You framed an Asia poster?
Copy !req
1398. How hard did the people
at the frame store laugh...
Copy !req
1399. when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
Copy !req
1400. Know why you're gay?
Because you like Asia.
Copy !req
1401. You guys cool it
with the gay.
Copy !req
1402. You know, she's on her way
over here, okay?
Copy !req
1403. First, you relax, okay?
Copy !req
1404. Just stop calming me down
and tell me what I should do.
Copy !req
1405. Okay, we just take everything
that's embarrassing...
Copy !req
1406. and we move it out of here.
Copy !req
1407. So it doesn't look like
you live in Neverland Ranch.
Copy !req
1408. - Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
Copy !req
1409. Good.
Copy !req
1410. So, you wanna head out?
Copy !req
1411. Did you just
move in or something?
Copy !req
1412. No. Actually I'm getting
new carpet in.
Copy !req
1413. I'm having carpet
put in tomorrow, so...
Copy !req
1414. Well, you know.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1415. Okay.
Looks good with the floors.
Copy !req
1416. Yeah.
All right.
Copy !req
1417. I should tear up
the hard wood...
Copy !req
1418. and see if there's
carpet underneath.
Copy !req
1419. That's never the case.
Copy !req
1420. - This is gonna be fun.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1421. You know, I drive by
this place every day.
Copy !req
1422. I've never been in
before.
Copy !req
1423. I'm glad you came.
Copy !req
1424. You know, I never really go
out with nice guys like you.
Copy !req
1425. I think I've avoided nice guys
like you my whole life...
Copy !req
1426. at my own peril.
Copy !req
1427. My last boyfriend
drank a lot.
Copy !req
1428. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1429. And so...
This is just punch.
Copy !req
1430. No, it's okay.
A little bit's fine.
Copy !req
1431. Buddha punch.
I need some Buddha.
Copy !req
1432. Excuse me, miss.
Could you gather your team...
Copy !req
1433. and sing happy birthday
for my daughter, please?
Copy !req
1434. That was so good. What? That
was great. Happy birthday.
Copy !req
1435. - It's your birthday, too?
- No.
Copy !req
1436. - It's his birthday, too.
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
1437. Could you sing for him
and bring him a cake?
Copy !req
1438. Happy birthday.
Copy !req
1439. - Thanks a lot.
- Happy birthday, Andy.
Copy !req
1440. You really like kissing, don't you? Yes.
Copy !req
1441. I really do.
Copy !req
1442. Take off your pants,
okay?
Copy !req
1443. Okay.
Okay.
Copy !req
1444. Wow, this is really
gonna happen. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1445. Thank God.
Copy !req
1446. Okay, I'm taking off my pants. Yeah.
Copy !req
1447. Do you need some help?
Copy !req
1448. I think I almost got them.
It's hooked on my ankle.
Copy !req
1449. Wow, that's...
Copy !req
1450. Hey, wait.
Do you have protection?
Copy !req
1451. I don't like guns.
Copy !req
1452. That's funny.
Copy !req
1453. I have condoms
right here. Okay?
Copy !req
1454. Okay.
There's, you know...
Copy !req
1455. Check the expiration date because
they were from when I was married.
Copy !req
1456. And we didn't have sex that often.
That's why there are so many, okay?
Copy !req
1457. Okay.
Copy !req
1458. I got them.
Copy !req
1459. How does this go?
Copy !req
1460. Okay. "Roll over the tip
and down onto the base. "
Copy !req
1461. Over the balls?
Copy !req
1462. It doesn't say.
Copy !req
1463. Do you mind
if I use your magnum?
Copy !req
1464. Yeah.
Copy !req
1465. Wow. You got to be kidding.
Copy !req
1466. I am Aquaman.
Copy !req
1467. What is that?
Copy !req
1468. Mom?
Copy !req
1469. What's going on here?
Copy !req
1470. - Who the hell are you?
- It's Andy.
Copy !req
1471. Hi, I'm Andy.
Copy !req
1472. God! What are you doing?
Copy !req
1473. Marla, get the fuck
out of my room!
Copy !req
1474. You know what...
Copy !req
1475. I cannot believe that you're
allowed to have sex when I'm not!
Copy !req
1476. - That is so unfair.
- I'm gonna head out.
Copy !req
1477. You should go.
Copy !req
1478. Oh, Jesus! How many
times did you just do it?
Copy !req
1479. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1480. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1481. Dude, teach me.
Copy !req
1482. Hotline.
Copy !req
1483. Hi, yes, I'm calling because
it's more than four hours
Copy !req
1484. and your ad said to call if
it's been more than four hours.
Copy !req
1485. How much of the medicine
have you taken, sir?
Copy !req
1486. I haven't taken any,
but your ad said
Copy !req
1487. that if you've had an erection
for more than four hours, you call.
Copy !req
1488. You're only supposed to call
if you've taken the medicine.
Copy !req
1489. Okay. I'm sorry. I must
not have heard that part.
Copy !req
1490. Yes. If you haven't taken
the medicine, you don't call.
Copy !req
1491. Right. I'm sorry. Right.
Copy !req
1492. So, there's nothing
you can do?
Copy !req
1493. I just don't wanna...
There's nothing I can do.
Copy !req
1494. I'm in Bombay, India.
Copy !req
1495. Okay. No, not you personally.
I just don't want...
Copy !req
1496. I just don't want
to have an erection anymore.
Copy !req
1497. You know,
you could have sex.
Copy !req
1498. Okay. Yup.
Copy !req
1499. That's one thing people do
when they have an erection.
Copy !req
1500. Yeah, that's not an option.
I don't have sex.
Copy !req
1501. Okay, well,
then you can masturbate.
Copy !req
1502. I'd rather not masturbate.
Copy !req
1503. If you'd like the erection to
go away, you can light a match,
Copy !req
1504. blow out the flame and put
the hot ember on your wrist.
Copy !req
1505. And that will focus
the brain elsewhere
Copy !req
1506. and you will lose your
erection. Really? That'd work?
Copy !req
1507. Take your finger
and flick your testicle
Copy !req
1508. and if you do that
till it hurts
Copy !req
1509. your erection will go away.
Okay, all right.
Copy !req
1510. It sounds unpleasant
and it is.
Copy !req
1511. It is a trick we use
in India.
Copy !req
1512. Okay, those are all good pieces
of advice. I really appreciate it.
Copy !req
1513. We appreciate your business.
Copy !req
1514. Oh, no.
We didn't get your business...
Copy !req
1515. No, not this time. I guess I didn't
need you this time. Thank you.
Copy !req
1516. My goodness, Andy,
you are a terrific salesman.
Copy !req
1517. - Thank you.
- Gosh, you really got it down.
Copy !req
1518. Thanks.
And your numbers are good.
Copy !req
1519. Thanks.
Copy !req
1520. I'm going to put you out
on the floor full time.
Copy !req
1521. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1522. Wow. Okay.
Copy !req
1523. Good. We're gonna get you a
blue shirt and tie, all right?
Copy !req
1524. Great. Thanks.
Copy !req
1525. You know, Andy, I've been
thinking about your problem.
Copy !req
1526. I think I might have
a solution for you.
Copy !req
1527. You ever heard of the term
"fuck buddy"?
Copy !req
1528. What?
Copy !req
1529. It's a special friend
Copy !req
1530. who you fuck.
Copy !req
1531. No, haven't heard that term.
Copy !req
1532. When I was a little girl,
I developed early.
Copy !req
1533. By the time I was 14, I had
this body you're looking at.
Copy !req
1534. Can you imagine that?
I don't want to, no.
Copy !req
1535. Well, needless to say,
a lot of male attention.
Copy !req
1536. Like men, yes.
Copy !req
1537. Especially from our
Guatemalan gardener, Javier.
Copy !req
1538. Okay.
Copy !req
1539. You know, Javier,
Copy !req
1540. before he made passionate yet
gentle love to me for the first time,
Copy !req
1541. he serenaded me with a beautiful
old Guatemalan love song.
Copy !req
1542. Really, that's...
Copy !req
1543. That sounds nice.
Copy !req
1544. Okay.
Copy !req
1545. My goodness.
Copy !req
1546. - I think we better get back to work.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1547. - Yeah, I better go back to work.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1548. - So, okay.
- All right.
Copy !req
1549. So, you mull it over
and I'll talk to you soon.
Copy !req
1550. All right, I will. Thank you. Okay.
Copy !req
1551. What's up, dawg? What happened?
How was the date with Trish?
Copy !req
1552. It was a disaster.
Really?
Copy !req
1553. Yes. I've never been
more embarrassed in my life.
Copy !req
1554. Couldn't get the
condoms to work.
Copy !req
1555. And one of them
exploded on my balls.
Copy !req
1556. And then her kid
walked in the room.
Copy !req
1557. Wait. Hold up.
Copy !req
1558. She was hiding the kid
from you, dawg?
Copy !req
1559. You know what,
it doesn't matter
Copy !req
1560. because it was going downhill
straight from there.
Copy !req
1561. Listen, you don't want
no baby-daddy drama.
Copy !req
1562. Trust me on this one,
all right?
Copy !req
1563. For all you know,
he in prison right now.
Copy !req
1564. Let's say y'all
living together.
Copy !req
1565. Next thing you know, you the one
going on the 1 st and the 15th
Copy !req
1566. to pick up the
government check.
Copy !req
1567. What if he got boys
that's on the outside
Copy !req
1568. and they stalking you?
Copy !req
1569. You see what I'm saying?
You got to think, partner...
Copy !req
1570. What the fuck
are you talking about?
Copy !req
1571. Here's what you do.
You tell her you're a virgin.
Copy !req
1572. You test her
with this shit, okay?
Copy !req
1573. Here, tell me. Tell me. This
is how it's gonna go. Tell me.
Copy !req
1574. - I'm a virgin.
- Sweet.
Copy !req
1575. I like that because
you don't have chlamydia.
Copy !req
1576. And I know that,
and that shit is everywhere.
Copy !req
1577. What if she
laughs at me, though?
Copy !req
1578. Then you punch her in the
fucking head if she laughs.
Copy !req
1579. I'm not going to punch her in
the head. She's really sweet.
Copy !req
1580. No. I mean, you punch her in
her fucking head emotionally.
Copy !req
1581. She's different. She's someone
I felt like I had
Copy !req
1582. a connection with.
Copy !req
1583. All you trying to do right now
is bust off this first nut.
Copy !req
1584. You got a whole lot of semen
back up in you.
Copy !req
1585. I am going to tell her.
Copy !req
1586. - You should totally tell her, man.
- I'm going to.
Copy !req
1587. 'Cause I watched this movie
called Liar Liar
Copy !req
1588. and the message was,
"Don't lie. "
Copy !req
1589. And that was a smart movie.
Copy !req
1590. - Yeah, that's the right thing.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1591. Really? All your girlfriends wanted
to have sex with virgins, too?
Copy !req
1592. That's funny. I didn't even
know you girls talked like that.
Copy !req
1593. I think my first time
might be your best time, too.
Copy !req
1594. Well, I knew it.
You know what,
Copy !req
1595. I knew that you'd react
that way and I knew that,
Copy !req
1596. you would want to lead me
through my first sexual encounter
Copy !req
1597. with all the compassion
and care that someone
Copy !req
1598. would give to their soul mate.
Copy !req
1599. Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.
Copy !req
1600. Hey, Andy.
Copy !req
1601. You watching Survivor tonight?
Copy !req
1602. No, actually I'm going out
to dinner with somebody.
Copy !req
1603. Hi.
Copy !req
1604. This is her.
Copy !req
1605. - Trish, this is Joe and Sara.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1606. - Hi, Trish.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1607. But tape it for me,
okay?
Copy !req
1608. - Will do. All right.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
1609. - So long.
- Bye-bye.
Copy !req
1610. See you later.
Have a good night.
Copy !req
1611. Yeah, my man's gonna
get it on tonight.
Copy !req
1612. Yes, sir.
Copy !req
1613. Yeah, and you better
get on me, too.
Copy !req
1614. What is wrong
with this woman?
Copy !req
1615. Mercy, mercy, mercy.
Copy !req
1616. I'm so sorry that happened
the other night.
Copy !req
1617. No, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1618. Oh, my God.
That was me.
Copy !req
1619. No.
Copy !req
1620. Let me... I have something
I want to tell you.
Copy !req
1621. Kind of hard to talk about.
Copy !req
1622. But...
Copy !req
1623. you know,
there are certain things...
Copy !req
1624. about who I am that...
Copy !req
1625. I'm sorry. I just have
to get this off my chest.
Copy !req
1626. I am so sorry,
I didn't tell you I had kids.
Copy !req
1627. Yeah, what was that about?
Copy !req
1628. Gosh. You know,
that really surprised me.
Copy !req
1629. No, you should have
told me probably, but...
Copy !req
1630. I'm sorry. I know.
Copy !req
1631. What do I care
if you have a kid?
Copy !req
1632. Well, I have two kids.
Copy !req
1633. Wow. Okay.
How old are they?
Copy !req
1634. Six.
Copy !req
1635. Sixteen.
Copy !req
1636. Twenty-one.
Copy !req
1637. Forty-two.
Copy !req
1638. Fifty-six. How many kids
do you have?
Copy !req
1639. I have three.
Okay, three.
Copy !req
1640. Yeah, and one of them has a kid.
Copy !req
1641. A one-year-old.
Copy !req
1642. That's cool. That's great.
Copy !req
1643. I'm really glad we're
doing this. Me, too.
Copy !req
1644. Listen, Andy...
Copy !req
1645. I don't want to send you running
for the hills or anything, but...
Copy !req
1646. I really feel like if we
decide to do this again, then...
Copy !req
1647. maybe we should hold off on
the physical part for a while.
Copy !req
1648. That is a fantastic idea.
Copy !req
1649. Why didn't I think of that?
Copy !req
1650. - Really?
- Totally.
Copy !req
1651. - No sex?
- No. Why do that?
Copy !req
1652. Because here's the thing.
Copy !req
1653. From personal experience...
Copy !req
1654. I found that sex can
really complicate things.
Copy !req
1655. And what we should be doing right
now is getting to know each other.
Copy !req
1656. Yeah.
Copy !req
1657. Well, I never thought
you'd go for it.
Copy !req
1658. I'm going for it.
Copy !req
1659. Well, that just
is a great, great notion.
Copy !req
1660. Are you serious?
Copy !req
1661. Look at my face.
Look at how serious I am.
Copy !req
1662. Can you see my nostrils?
Copy !req
1663. - Yes.
- That's serious.
Copy !req
1664. That's more angry.
Copy !req
1665. Yeah, you know what,
most guys would be saying:
Copy !req
1666. "Yeah" right now, but, like,
by the third date, it would be:
Copy !req
1667. "Hey, baby, I really need to
physically express how I feel"...
Copy !req
1668. and all that stuff.
Well, hey, baby...
Copy !req
1669. you know, three dates...
Make it 10, 10 dates.
Copy !req
1670. How about 15?
Copy !req
1671. Fifteen. Screw your 15.
20 dates.
Copy !req
1672. - Okay, 20 dates.
- Twenty dates.
Copy !req
1673. - Okay.
- This is genius.
Copy !req
1674. It's gonna hurt.
Copy !req
1675. Not as much as you think.
Copy !req
1676. We can really get to know
each other this way.
Copy !req
1677. Yeah.
Copy !req
1678. - This is one, right?
- No, next one.
Copy !req
1679. Is it safe to come in,
or are you guys doing it?
Copy !req
1680. Honey, it's safe.
Copy !req
1681. Great.
Copy !req
1682. Well, good timing.
Copy !req
1683. Yeah.
You remember Marla.
Copy !req
1684. Hi, we met. And this is
my little bunny rabbit.
Copy !req
1685. - Julia.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1686. - This is Andy.
- Julia, how you doing?
Copy !req
1687. You know what, do you
by any chance like magic?
Copy !req
1688. - Yeah.
- I thought that you might.
Copy !req
1689. Because I noticed
on the way in...
Copy !req
1690. that you had something shiny
behind your ear.
Copy !req
1691. Marla, did you see that?
Something behind her ear?
Copy !req
1692. You think you do?
Could I check?
Copy !req
1693. Do you mind if I check
behind your ear?
Copy !req
1694. Big money!
Copy !req
1695. - That's amazing.
- Wow, it is amazing.
Copy !req
1696. There's something else, too,
behind your ear, I think.
Copy !req
1697. No, actually it's not behind
your ear. I think it is your ear.
Copy !req
1698. Rip!
Copy !req
1699. It is your ear.
There is your ear.
Copy !req
1700. I ripped it off.
Copy !req
1701. Gross!
Yeah, that's...
Copy !req
1702. All right. Wait. Okay,
but that means that you...
Copy !req
1703. walk around with a rubber ear
in your pocket all day?
Copy !req
1704. Yeah, like half the time.
Copy !req
1705. You know, I can come
to your high school...
Copy !req
1706. and do it for your friends
if you want.
Copy !req
1707. You know what,
I should head out.
Copy !req
1708. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1709. I have to give you
a ride home.
Copy !req
1710. Right. Yes, you do.
Copy !req
1711. Yeah, 'cause you don't have
a car or anything, right?
Copy !req
1712. Right, I don't have a car.
Copy !req
1713. 'Cause he doesn't have a car,
and he does magic.
Copy !req
1714. Awesome.
Copy !req
1715. And sarcasm is like
a second language to me.
Copy !req
1716. So, I'm right there with you.
Copy !req
1717. But, Dad,
Copy !req
1718. I don't know how to love.
Copy !req
1719. You never
Copy !req
1720. taught me how...
Copy !req
1721. Hello.
Hey, Cal.
Copy !req
1722. Hey.
I just got back from a date.
Copy !req
1723. Did you tell her
you're a virgin?
Copy !req
1724. No. I haven't gotten
to that yet.
Copy !req
1725. Really?
Are you having sex right now?
Copy !req
1726. No. She was incredible.
Copy !req
1727. She was amazing.
She didn't pressure me.
Copy !req
1728. And she has three kids.
Copy !req
1729. And one of her kids
has a kid.
Copy !req
1730. You all right?
Copy !req
1731. Did you just say she has three
kids, one of whom has a kid?
Copy !req
1732. - Yeah.
- So, so, she's a grandma?
Copy !req
1733. No.
Copy !req
1734. I'm not a doctor
or anything like that
Copy !req
1735. but she's a fucking grandma.
Copy !req
1736. Yeah, whatever, you know.
Copy !req
1737. She's the hottest grandma
I ever saw.
Copy !req
1738. Yeah, she is.
She's a hot grandma.
Copy !req
1739. That's a good-looking grandma. My
grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Copy !req
1740. Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Copy !req
1741. No. If Jack Palance
looked like that lady,
Copy !req
1742. I would want to
fuck Jack Palance right now.
Copy !req
1743. Yeah, me, too.
Copy !req
1744. She's a hot grandma.
Copy !req
1745. Heck, yeah.
No, do a grandma, man.
Copy !req
1746. You should fuck her
on her plastic-covered couch.
Copy !req
1747. Fuck her while she watches
Murder, She Wrote.
Copy !req
1748. She would probably find that
very erotic.
Copy !req
1749. Yeah, whatever, you know.
Copy !req
1750. Fuck her and then have her send you
a check for $12 on your birthday.
Copy !req
1751. I'm the dude
with the hot granny.
Copy !req
1752. What did you want to
talk to me about?
Copy !req
1753. Well, Andy,
the numbers just came in...
Copy !req
1754. and you are by far
our best salesman.
Copy !req
1755. So, I am promoting you
to floor manager.
Copy !req
1756. This is the bullshit
of all bullshits!
Copy !req
1757. You scumbag! Ass kisser!
Copy !req
1758. Thank you. That's great.
Copy !req
1759. I understand you have a girlfriend.
Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.
Copy !req
1760. I'm very happy for you.
Thanks. She's great.
Copy !req
1761. Are you still a virgin?
Copy !req
1762. You know, I don't really...
Copy !req
1763. talk about my personal life.
You're a virgin.
Copy !req
1764. Yes, I am.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1765. My door is always open.
Copy !req
1766. So to speak.
Great.
Copy !req
1767. Great. Thank you.
Copy !req
1768. I'm very discreet.
Copy !req
1769. But I'll haunt your dreams.
Copy !req
1770. Okay.
Okay.
Copy !req
1771. Wow.
Copy !req
1772. So who's gonna take my job? Cal
will be taking over your job.
Copy !req
1773. And he's interviewing people
right now...
Copy !req
1774. for his old job.
Copy !req
1775. So, have you ever worked
with electronics before?
Copy !req
1776. No.
No?
Copy !req
1777. But I have electronics
in my home.
Copy !req
1778. Perfect. That's the job pretty
much. You're very well-qualified.
Copy !req
1779. More than these other losers.
Copy !req
1780. I could do that...
Wait, last thing.
Copy !req
1781. I'm also gonna need that
extended warranty on it...
Copy !req
1782. for the price of
"on the house. "
Copy !req
1783. That I can't do.
Copy !req
1784. Hey, don't be a Negro. Be my
nigger. All right? Help me out.
Copy !req
1785. Hold up.
I ain't nobody's nigger.
Copy !req
1786. I mean, you somebody's nigger
wearing this nigger tie.
Copy !req
1787. Now you being condescending.
Copy !req
1788. See, you've been warned, all
right? Just move forward amicably.
Copy !req
1789. Okay. Well, check this out.
Copy !req
1790. First of all, you're throwing
too many big words at me.
Copy !req
1791. Okay, now because
I don't understand them...
Copy !req
1792. I'm gonna take them
as disrespect.
Copy !req
1793. Watch your mouth,
and help me with the sale.
Copy !req
1794. Okay, see, now you
found yourself a nigger.
Copy !req
1795. You were looking for a nigger?
Nigger here now. See?
Copy !req
1796. Today's forecast: Dark and
cloudy, and chance of drive-by.
Copy !req
1797. - You want to go?
- I suggest you move back.
Copy !req
1798. Then, nig, fire on.
Copy !req
1799. What are we gonna do?
Copy !req
1800. What are you gonna do,
Mr. Floor Manager?
Copy !req
1801. Go, get them, tiger.
Copy !req
1802. This shit just got rigged.
Copy !req
1803. What are you gonna do, bitch?
I'll tell you what.
Copy !req
1804. You know Luca Perry
from 20th and 25th?
Copy !req
1805. You ever heard of,
Rolling 20s, nigger?
Copy !req
1806. Since I was 16, nigger,
I'm saying "frosty. "
Copy !req
1807. You know what I'm saying,
"spoon", nigger.
Copy !req
1808. We fucked dwarfs in the ass.
Copy !req
1809. Nigger, this dwarf here
don't got to be tall...
Copy !req
1810. to pull the trigger off
in somebody face!
Copy !req
1811. Come on nigger, back
up. What's up? Hey...
Copy !req
1812. Welcome to Smart Tech.
Copy !req
1813. Is this your boy?
What can I help you with?
Copy !req
1814. Yeah, nigger,
we will both mash you!
Copy !req
1815. How can we help you, sir?
Nigger, what?
Copy !req
1816. No, he don't need no help.
He's already been served.
Copy !req
1817. I served him. He's taken care of.
He's a little slow, but he got it.
Copy !req
1818. See, what he thought was he can
come up in here and make the rules.
Copy !req
1819. But now he see that Jay
make the rules at Smart Tech
Copy !req
1820. that I run this bitch
and now he bought the bounce.
Copy !req
1821. This your boy?
Copy !req
1822. Yeah, that's my boy.
We represent Smart Tech.
Copy !req
1823. You just got
fucked up with him.
Copy !req
1824. Both y'all niggers going get
clapped up when I get back.
Copy !req
1825. Both of you all niggers.
Copy !req
1826. What did I do?
It don't fucking matter!
Copy !req
1827. Yeah, aim high, Willis.
Aim high!
Copy !req
1828. Please don't do this.
Copy !req
1829. Jay, what's going on?
Copy !req
1830. Jill broke up with me.
Copy !req
1831. I'm so sorry.
What happened?
Copy !req
1832. I came home a little tipsy.
Copy !req
1833. And I had one of my condoms
on still.
Copy !req
1834. Woke up the next morning and
jumped in the shower with her.
Copy !req
1835. I don't know
what I was thinking.
Copy !req
1836. Why did you cheat on her?
Copy !req
1837. Because I'm insecure!
You can't tell?
Copy !req
1838. I know, man.
It's gonna be okay.
Copy !req
1839. I'm cold.
It's gonna be all right, man.
Copy !req
1840. Seriously, man, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1841. I apologize to you. I know.
Copy !req
1842. If you wanna have
a meaningful relationship...
Copy !req
1843. you've got to leave the sex
out of it, man. You're right.
Copy !req
1844. It's all right. You're good.
Copy !req
1845. I'm sorry. Come here.
I love you, man.
Copy !req
1846. Man, I love you, too.
Copy !req
1847. You're a good guy.
Copy !req
1848. Do you know how I know
you guys are gay?
Copy !req
1849. You're holding each other
ever so gently.
Copy !req
1850. Cabrón.
Copy !req
1851. Bravo.
Copy !req
1852. At least he can cook, Mom.
Copy !req
1853. I love... Spiderman.
Copy !req
1854. Pull out slowly
and go straight ahead.
Copy !req
1855. I'm all right.
Copy !req
1856. Nobody's there.
Copy !req
1857. I want to know
everything about you.
Copy !req
1858. I want to tell you.
Copy !req
1859. You do?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1860. Like, what do you want to do?
What are your dreams?
Copy !req
1861. You don't wanna work at Smart
Tech for the rest of your life.
Copy !req
1862. I've been working there
for a long time.
Copy !req
1863. And I've been thinking lately that
maybe I should open my own store.
Copy !req
1864. Really?
Yeah.
Copy !req
1865. What kind of store?
Well, like a stereo store.
Copy !req
1866. Oh, my God, that is...
Why don't you do that?
Copy !req
1867. I don't have enough money
to do that.
Copy !req
1868. What about those collectibles?
Copy !req
1869. I bet if you sold those,
you could make a lot of money.
Copy !req
1870. I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe
for $1,000.
Copy !req
1871. Really?
Do you have any of those?
Copy !req
1872. Yeah.
You do?
Copy !req
1873. I have 47 of them.
Copy !req
1874. No, you don't.
Copy !req
1875. Yeah, in their original boxes. You do?
Copy !req
1876. I could help you
sell them on eBay.
Copy !req
1877. I would not take a commission,
I swear to God.
Copy !req
1878. You could do it.
You could totally pull it off.
Copy !req
1879. Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Copy !req
1880. Aquaman.
Copy !req
1881. Here.
Copy !req
1882. Clothes on.
Copy !req
1883. I'll send you off to...
Copy !req
1884. a farm with lots of land.
Copy !req
1885. So, you and other Aquamen
can run around...
Copy !req
1886. and play in the Aquafields.
Copy !req
1887. Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin.
Copy !req
1888. You don't wanna go, do you?
Okay, you can stay.
Copy !req
1889. Steve Austin can stay.
Copy !req
1890. Hey, Cal. David.
Copy !req
1891. Way to sell a big TV.
Copy !req
1892. She likes you, man.
Copy !req
1893. Too bad I retired my penis.
Copy !req
1894. Mooj, we try to be fair with
the schedule but it's hard.
Copy !req
1895. Okay, but why every damn schedule
comes up, I get most early shift?
Copy !req
1896. It's bullshit. Nobody buys
stereo at 10:00 in the morning.
Copy !req
1897. No, I understand.
Copy !req
1898. People buy stereo
between 6:00 and 8:00.
Copy !req
1899. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1900. Rich men get off work,
then buy stereo.
Copy !req
1901. Right.
Not after fucking brunch.
Copy !req
1902. Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Copy !req
1903. I'm going to give you
a couple of Jay's shifts.
Copy !req
1904. And then I'll give you a
couple of mine and that way
Copy !req
1905. we'll all be equal, okay.
Thank you, Andy.
Copy !req
1906. It's okay.
Copy !req
1907. You're a good man, Andy.
Copy !req
1908. By the way,
what date are you on, now?
Copy !req
1909. I think it's around 17.
Copy !req
1910. It's hard to tell what actually
constitutes a date, though.
Copy !req
1911. Three to go. So that means you're
gonna have sex in three days.
Copy !req
1912. Maybe, I might try to
space them out a little bit.
Copy !req
1913. I'll pray for your cock.
Okay, thanks.
Copy !req
1914. Thanks. Thank you.
Have a good cocky.
Copy !req
1915. Trish is on the phone.
Here is a shock.
Copy !req
1916. Girlfriend with a problem.
Hello.
Copy !req
1917. I have done everything
but sex!
Copy !req
1918. I'm a woman, okay?
Deal with it!
Copy !req
1919. I'm gonna start
taking you back to church.
Copy !req
1920. We are gonna start
going to church.
Copy !req
1921. Hello?
You know what?
Copy !req
1922. What the hell
are you talking about?
Copy !req
1923. Oh, my God, I cannot believe
this. Thank God you're here.
Copy !req
1924. Jesus Christ. Marla locked
herself in the bathroom.
Copy !req
1925. What happened?
Copy !req
1926. She wants to go
to the family health clinic.
Copy !req
1927. She wants birth control.
But she's too young.
Copy !req
1928. I want to have sex with my
boyfriend! But I can't, Mom!
Copy !req
1929. So, you want me
to take her?
Copy !req
1930. No, I don't want you to
take her. Okay, all right.
Copy !req
1931. I want her to keep it in her
pants until she gets to college.
Copy !req
1932. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
1933. "Keep it in my pants"?
Copy !req
1934. Okay, you didn't keep it
in your pants, Mom.
Copy !req
1935. I know. I don't want you to make
the same mistakes as me, Marla.
Copy !req
1936. Mistakes? Okay,
so I was a mistake then.
Copy !req
1937. No, you're not a mistake.
Your sister was the mistake.
Copy !req
1938. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1939. Her older sister, I mean, she
wasn't planned, you know what I mean?
Copy !req
1940. Because I was such a... Oh, God,
you wanna run away, don't you?
Copy !req
1941. No.
Copy !req
1942. You and your boyfriend
have sex all the time!
Copy !req
1943. Oh, my God!
Are you kidding?
Copy !req
1944. We never have sex.
Do we ever have sex?
Copy !req
1945. No, we don't.
Copy !req
1946. What? Yes, you do!
Copy !req
1947. You're such a liar!
Why do you lie to me?
Copy !req
1948. Why?
Copy !req
1949. I didn't hear anything
after "a liar. "
Copy !req
1950. What did she say after "a liar"?
She sounds like a tea kettle.
Copy !req
1951. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1952. Maybe I should take her.
No, I don't think so.
Copy !req
1953. You know, a little information
never hurt anybody.
Copy !req
1954. Cool.
Copy !req
1955. Wow!
Copy !req
1956. Where do you put the penis?
Copy !req
1957. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1958. It is
Copy !req
1959. not a Rubik's Cube.
Copy !req
1960. Shit.
Copy !req
1961. God, how much longer
are they gonna make us wait?
Copy !req
1962. I don't know. They should be
out in a second.
Copy !req
1963. Now, you're all here
Copy !req
1964. because you're interested
in obtaining birth control.
Copy !req
1965. Any questions?
Copy !req
1966. Here's a cute story.
I came home the other day
Copy !req
1967. and he is with his girlfriend
in my marital bed
Copy !req
1968. doing things that are illegal
in Alabama.
Copy !req
1969. Sex acts, right? Things
that my wife won't do, okay?
Copy !req
1970. Did you have a question? How
do I get my wife to do that?
Copy !req
1971. Does anybody else
have a question?
Copy !req
1972. My daughter is,
for lack of a better word,
Copy !req
1973. dumb.
Copy !req
1974. How do I stop
her menstrual cycle?
Copy !req
1975. You want her to stop
having a menstrual cycle?
Copy !req
1976. I want to stop it,
maybe just for a few years.
Copy !req
1977. Yeah, I don't think
that's a good idea.
Copy !req
1978. Does anybody else have a
question? I have a question.
Copy !req
1979. I think some of the people here
might be sexually inexperienced.
Copy !req
1980. Is it true that if you
don't use it, you lose it?
Copy !req
1981. Is that a serious question?
Copy !req
1982. No. It wasn't.
Okay.
Copy !req
1983. Now, there are a lot of
activities that you can engage in
Copy !req
1984. without having sex
that are both fun and safe.
Copy !req
1985. What sort of activities?
I think
Copy !req
1986. everybody wants to know
about the activities.
Copy !req
1987. Well, instead of having intercourse,
you could have outer-course.
Copy !req
1988. Outer-course?
What's that?
Copy !req
1989. Yeah, what is that?
Copy !req
1990. Outer-course is anything that
isn't vaginal intercourse.
Copy !req
1991. I prefer
vaginal intercourse.
Copy !req
1992. He really does.
Copy !req
1993. Now, there are ways of having
sex without intercourse.
Copy !req
1994. Let's see, there are things
like body rubbing or dry humping.
Copy !req
1995. You could dry hump.
Copy !req
1996. There is masturbation.
Masturbation. Play with yourself.
Copy !req
1997. Mutual masturbation.
Play with a friend.
Copy !req
1998. Deep kissing.
There is erotic massage.
Copy !req
1999. That sounds like
it would be nice.
Copy !req
2000. Oral sex play.
Sounds like my Friday night.
Copy !req
2001. Shut up, Seth.
We went to temple.
Copy !req
2002. Okay,
are there any virgins here
Copy !req
2003. who are thinking about
having sex for the first time?
Copy !req
2004. Oh.
Copy !req
2005. Wait. So you're
a virgin?
Copy !req
2006. I'd tap that.
Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?
Copy !req
2007. Seth, what, you think you're
cool with your little Jew fro?
Copy !req
2008. We don't say, "tap that. " What
are you talking about, Seth?
Copy !req
2009. You know what,
I'm a virgin, too.
Copy !req
2010. That's...
Copy !req
2011. We're virgins, too.
Yeah.
Copy !req
2012. No, you know what,
it's a personal choice
Copy !req
2013. and I don't think
it's weird at all.
Copy !req
2014. You know what
your problem is?
Copy !req
2015. You're putting the pussy
on a pedestal.
Copy !req
2016. That's the second time
I've heard that.
Copy !req
2017. What is the
"pussy on a pedestal" thing?
Copy !req
2018. Okay, I can't listen to anymore of
this, 'cause it's making me sick.
Copy !req
2019. So, bye.
Copy !req
2020. You can get this information
on your website, right?
Copy !req
2021. Yes. Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.
Copy !req
2022. Any other questions?
Copy !req
2023. Do you have any
extra-large condoms?
Copy !req
2024. Seth, you got
a tiny penis.
Copy !req
2025. So, I made that all up
to help you out.
Copy !req
2026. No, you didn't.
Copy !req
2027. But thank you
for doing that.
Copy !req
2028. How can you tell?
Copy !req
2029. Well, you know, I go to school
with, like, 400 guys
Copy !req
2030. who are all trying
to have sex.
Copy !req
2031. And, yeah,
so I can tell who's done it.
Copy !req
2032. Of course.
Copy !req
2033. - And you really haven't?
- No, I really haven't.
Copy !req
2034. Please don't tell your mom,
okay?
Copy !req
2035. Yeah, I won't.
Thanks.
Copy !req
2036. But when are you
gonna tell her?
Copy !req
2037. Believe me,
I'm working on it.
Copy !req
2038. I am working on it.
Copy !req
2039. Do you have any weed?
Copy !req
2040. Yeah.
You do have some.
Copy !req
2041. Can spare any
or is it all spoken for?
Copy !req
2042. I mean, like what
are we talking? Are we...
Copy !req
2043. Just enough to get me
baked for like a week.
Copy !req
2044. That's a lot of weed.
Copy !req
2045. Yeah, I am taking vacation
next week, so...
Copy !req
2046. Where are you going?
I'm not going anywhere.
Copy !req
2047. I'll stay in my apartment.
Just getting baked?
Copy !req
2048. I want to be baked
the whole time.
Copy !req
2049. Watch TV,
I'll probably re-watch Gandhi.
Copy !req
2050. Gandhi baked is good.
Yes, isn't it?
Copy !req
2051. I always feel bad
when I watch it baked
Copy !req
2052. 'cause I get really hungry
and I'm eating a lot
Copy !req
2053. and poor Gandhi is
Copy !req
2054. - fucking starving his ass off.
- Starving, I know.
Copy !req
2055. - Sounds good.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2056. I'm going to take her to
capacity. Are you okay with that?
Copy !req
2057. Give it a shot.
Copy !req
2058. Freak! Oh, yeah!
Copy !req
2059. Michael McDonald, man,
I haven't heard this in years.
Copy !req
2060. Yeah, I haven't heard it
in like 48 minutes.
Copy !req
2061. If I get the set,
will you throw in the DVD?
Copy !req
2062. You don't get the set.
I'll throw in the DVD.
Copy !req
2063. I'll take it.
Copy !req
2064. Really?
Yeah.
Copy !req
2065. Y'all want to see something
beautiful? Come here.
Copy !req
2066. You want to see the most beautiful
thing in the world? Check this out.
Copy !req
2067. This is my baby right here.
That's my baby's dick right there.
Copy !req
2068. Looks like a poltergeist.
Copy !req
2069. That is his foot.
Copy !req
2070. Look at his dick.
That's not even four months.
Copy !req
2071. Extrapolate that.
Copy !req
2072. By the time he's 30,
what's gonna happen?
Copy !req
2073. Yo, Andy! Come check this out,
dawg.
Copy !req
2074. Is this the movie about babies
that are geniuses?
Copy !req
2075. No, this is my child, dude.
Jill is pregnant.
Copy !req
2076. That's yours?
Yeah.
Copy !req
2077. That's why she broke up
with me in the first place...
Copy !req
2078. 'cause she just thought that
I wouldn't be a good father...
Copy !req
2079. in light of the fact that I'd
be cheating on her all the time.
Copy !req
2080. But she got over all that.
It's cool now.
Copy !req
2081. Congratulations, man.
That is great.
Copy !req
2082. We having
a party tonight, Andy...
Copy !req
2083. and I really want you
to be there, man.
Copy !req
2084. We celebrating and I really,
really want you to be there.
Copy !req
2085. It looks like
the Doppler radar.
Copy !req
2086. Can you believe that?
Copy !req
2087. This child
ain't even four months old.
Copy !req
2088. He ain't four months old yet.
Look at what he's packing.
Copy !req
2089. Everybody dick looks big
on 60-inch TV.
Copy !req
2090. My sister's dick looks big
on TV, okay?
Copy !req
2091. Oh, my God,
this guy, Eric Gilliland...
Copy !req
2092. he has bought, like,
15 of these. Really?
Copy !req
2093. Yeah, I think he likes action
figures even more than you.
Copy !req
2094. That is impossible.
I think so.
Copy !req
2095. Andy, the way these things
are flying off your shelf...
Copy !req
2096. you know, I think you
could actually make like...
Copy !req
2097. maybe like $100,000.
Copy !req
2098. Really? Yeah, you could open your store.
Copy !req
2099. Wow.
Honey...
Copy !req
2100. - That's a lot of money.
- I know.
Copy !req
2101. That's incredible. I wouldn't
have done it without you.
Copy !req
2102. Thanks.
Copy !req
2103. And that's not the only good news. What?
Copy !req
2104. - You know what tonight is?
- Survivor is on?
Copy !req
2105. - No.
- I know.
Copy !req
2106. Is it The Apprentice?
Copy !req
2107. No.
Copy !req
2108. What?
Copy !req
2109. It's our 20th date.
Copy !req
2110. - Wow.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2111. - Really?
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
2112. - Seriously?
- I think we're at 18.
Copy !req
2113. 'Cause there were
a couple of dates there...
Copy !req
2114. that don't really count as dates. No.
Copy !req
2115. I'll give you a free pass
on those other ones.
Copy !req
2116. Thank you.
Copy !req
2117. - Listen.
- What?
Copy !req
2118. - Listen.
- Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
2119. I really like you.
Copy !req
2120. I think I'm falling for you.
Copy !req
2121. I don't know. I kind of see
this going somewhere.
Copy !req
2122. I do, too.
Copy !req
2123. I just think we should just
go crazy on each other.
Copy !req
2124. - Okay.
- Okay?
Copy !req
2125. Oh, thank God!
Copy !req
2126. Oh!
Copy !req
2127. Okay, I should...
I gotta pick those up.
Copy !req
2128. Don't pick them up now.
Copy !req
2129. No, I have to pick those up
right now.
Copy !req
2130. Wait, we'll get them later.
Listen, no, I can't, no.
Copy !req
2131. Listen, it's really important
because...
Copy !req
2132. once the integrity of the box
gets compromised...
Copy !req
2133. This is original packaging
and that's why these things...
Copy !req
2134. are so valuable.
So you don't screw with that.
Copy !req
2135. - You really don't screw with that.
- All right.
Copy !req
2136. We can wrap them again later,
you know.
Copy !req
2137. Yeah, I know.
But you know what...
Copy !req
2138. this is very important that
we don't lose the value...
Copy !req
2139. and compromise
the integrity of it.
Copy !req
2140. Andy, I'm throwing myself
at you and...
Copy !req
2141. all you can think about
is a fucking toy.
Copy !req
2142. They're not fucking toys!
This is Iron Man, okay?
Copy !req
2143. I got this
when I was in second grade.
Copy !req
2144. Do you know how hard it is
for a kid to not open that?
Copy !req
2145. This is important.
Copy !req
2146. These are my things...
Copy !req
2147. and you are trying to make me
sell them and I don't want to.
Copy !req
2148. - No.
- And you're making me.
Copy !req
2149. - I'm not making...
- You are encouraging me...
Copy !req
2150. to quit my job.
- I'm not! I'm not trying to...
Copy !req
2151. You want me to open a store.
You want me to sell everything.
Copy !req
2152. You know what,
I'm gonna tell you something.
Copy !req
2153. I don't just change like that.
I can't just change for you.
Copy !req
2154. I don't... I'm not trying
to change you. I like you.
Copy !req
2155. I'm just... I'm trying
to help you grow up, Andy.
Copy !req
2156. Well, thanks a lot.
Copy !req
2157. I mean, my God, you ride a
bicycle to work in a stockroom.
Copy !req
2158. You know what, I'm not
in the stockroom anymore.
Copy !req
2159. I'm a floor manager.
Okay.
Copy !req
2160. And I ride a bike because I
like to. Einstein rode a bike.
Copy !req
2161. He had a wife who he fucked,
by the way.
Copy !req
2162. What do I have to do
for you to have sex with me?
Copy !req
2163. Do you want me to dress up like
Thor? I'll dress up like Thor.
Copy !req
2164. I'll dress up like Iron Man.
Copy !req
2165. What do they do?
I'll do it.
Copy !req
2166. What? Everything's always
about sex.
Copy !req
2167. Why don't you want
to have sex with me?
Copy !req
2168. Why not? Tell me.
You tell me the truth.
Copy !req
2169. Is it because I have a kid
who has a kid? Is that why?
Copy !req
2170. No, it's cool that
you're a grandmother.
Copy !req
2171. I love the fact
that you're a grandmother.
Copy !req
2172. Oh, God! You are. You're a hot grandma.
Copy !req
2173. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
2174. You are so mean! Get out!
Copy !req
2175. Okay, fine. Good!
Good, fine. You're gonna go.
Copy !req
2176. - I didn't ask for any of this.
- You asked for all of it, Andy.
Copy !req
2177. Okay. Great.
Copy !req
2178. Okay.
Copy !req
2179. That's the way
you want it
Copy !req
2180. that's the way
homie's gonna play it.
Copy !req
2181. Yeah. Truth be told.
Copy !req
2182. Baby, you better
enjoy yourself tonight
Copy !req
2183. 'cause once this baby's born,
you ain't going out again
Copy !req
2184. till that baby is in college.
Copy !req
2185. - Me?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2186. You the club rat. I'm not
the one that be going out.
Copy !req
2187. I'm not a club rat.
Copy !req
2188. You're gonna get up,
you march over there
Copy !req
2189. and I want you
to hit on Bernadette now.
Copy !req
2190. Dude, I'm not gonna hit
on Bernadette.
Copy !req
2191. Yes, you are, man,
Copy !req
2192. 'cause your depression
is boring me for one thing
Copy !req
2193. and it's actually making me
a little depressed
Copy !req
2194. which is then in turn
making me more depressed
Copy !req
2195. that you're actually
affecting my mood.
Copy !req
2196. Look, I'm not in any kind of place
to talk to a woman, all right?
Copy !req
2197. I'm just... I'm fragile.
Copy !req
2198. I hired her for you.
Copy !req
2199. I hired a 90-pound girl to work
in the stockroom at Smart Tech
Copy !req
2200. for you, okay?
Copy !req
2201. I should have hired
a 300-pound guy
Copy !req
2202. who could lift
a 60-inch flat screen.
Copy !req
2203. But instead
I hired a hot girl
Copy !req
2204. who can't lift an iPod
to bring you out of your funk.
Copy !req
2205. You hired her for me?
Yes.
Copy !req
2206. So will you go talk to her?
Copy !req
2207. Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.
Copy !req
2208. No.
Copy !req
2209. Did you just flick me in the nuts? No.
Copy !req
2210. Flicked you in the fleshy patch
where your nuts used to be.
Copy !req
2211. Quit flicking my balls, man.
Copy !req
2212. Okay, I'll stop
flicking your balls.
Copy !req
2213. But I'll start punching
your nuts.
Copy !req
2214. Oh!
Copy !req
2215. Okay.
Copy !req
2216. Well played, sir.
Copy !req
2217. - Okay.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
2218. No problem, man.
Go get 'em.
Copy !req
2219. Mooj, you done
see my son,
Copy !req
2220. you know his foot gonna be
bigger than this.
Copy !req
2221. If that baby looks Pakistani,
don't fucking look at me, okay?
Copy !req
2222. I wouldn't mind. You got good
genes. How old are you? What, 138?
Copy !req
2223. When your son is born,
is he already in parole?
Copy !req
2224. I need some poon.
Copy !req
2225. You guys were so right,
right from the beginning.
Copy !req
2226. I need genital to genital
connection and that's all I need.
Copy !req
2227. You know, the thing about
relationships is that they
Copy !req
2228. make one person go...
Copy !req
2229. And the other person go,
"What are you talking about?"
Copy !req
2230. And then one person goes...
Copy !req
2231. How much have you had
to drink, man?
Copy !req
2232. How much have I had to drink?
How many pots have you smoken?
Copy !req
2233. What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
2234. How many times have you gone
to the bathroom in your life?
Copy !req
2235. Let me ask you that.
Copy !req
2236. You know what, you don't have
an answer for that, do you?
Copy !req
2237. Fuck you, man! I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2238. No, you're such a good guy,
and I appreciate you.
Copy !req
2239. What's up, baby, I didn't know
you had came already.
Copy !req
2240. Hey, motherfucker!
Copy !req
2241. Man, you know what,
tonight is the night.
Copy !req
2242. You know what, you were
totally right and I was wrong.
Copy !req
2243. You were right all along.
You cannot have a relationship
Copy !req
2244. with somebody until
Copy !req
2245. you have sex
and that's the long...
Copy !req
2246. That's the long
and short of it.
Copy !req
2247. So, thank you.
That's good.
Copy !req
2248. And now I have to go hunt
for some hos.
Copy !req
2249. - He going to be all right?
- No, I don't think he is.
Copy !req
2250. Cal's a good guy.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
Copy !req
2251. It's so funny, because,
you know,
Copy !req
2252. when I first met him and I
thought you were cute at the store,
Copy !req
2253. he told me you were gay.
- Uh, I'm not gay.
Copy !req
2254. Cal says that I'm gay because
he has a real problem
Copy !req
2255. with his own gayness.
Copy !req
2256. But seriously, I'm going to
lay it out for you, right now.
Copy !req
2257. I was a little reticent
to come over and talk to you.
Copy !req
2258. You're very pretty and you
seem very nice. The truth is
Copy !req
2259. I dated this woman, let me
rephrase that, I dated this whore
Copy !req
2260. who stomped
all over my heart.
Copy !req
2261. And it's just taking me
a little while to kind of,
Copy !req
2262. you know,
get back in the game.
Copy !req
2263. Oh, my God. Say no more.
Copy !req
2264. My last boyfriend Sal junior,
is a scum bag.
Copy !req
2265. I would totally pay people
to have him killed.
Copy !req
2266. That's how much I fucking hate
that damn scum bag.
Copy !req
2267. - God, you're fucking awesome.
- You too.
Copy !req
2268. Hey, you!
Copy !req
2269. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
2270. How you doing?
Copy !req
2271. Much better,
now that I'm talking to you.
Copy !req
2272. Hey, lookie,
I can see through your shirt.
Copy !req
2273. Nice.
Copy !req
2274. So, you think we should
Copy !req
2275. take this party
to my apartment or what?
Copy !req
2276. I am RSVPing "yes".
Copy !req
2277. Hope you have a big trunk
because I'm putting my bike in it.
Copy !req
2278. Yeah, let's go!
Copy !req
2279. Mom, I left my phone somewhere
and I...
Copy !req
2280. Thank you.
Copy !req
2281. What's the matter?
Where is Andy?
Copy !req
2282. - We had a big fight, just...
- Oh, Mom.
Copy !req
2283. He just
stormed out of here.
Copy !req
2284. What happened?
Copy !req
2285. Well, I just... Wait a minute,
I thought you hated him.
Copy !req
2286. I don't hate him. I mean,
he does do magic, but,
Copy !req
2287. you know, he's a big dork
Copy !req
2288. and I like seeing you happy.
Copy !req
2289. I do.
Copy !req
2290. That's sweet, that's really sweet. Mom.
Copy !req
2291. Why don't you just go
talk to him, work it out.
Copy !req
2292. 'Cause if the thing is that
important, you can't just stop.
Copy !req
2293. Let me dance for you.
I would love it.
Copy !req
2294. Look at your bra and your breasts
and everything. That's so great.
Copy !req
2295. Wow! You know what?
You're so hot. You're so hot.
Copy !req
2296. I'm smoking hot.
Copy !req
2297. You know what? I'm just going
to have sex with you.
Copy !req
2298. Yes! Let's have sex.
Copy !req
2299. It's going to happen.
That's why we are here.
Copy !req
2300. That's totally what's going
to happen.
Copy !req
2301. We could do it in the...
Copy !req
2302. Butt, if you want to.
Copy !req
2303. But, if I want to what?
Copy !req
2304. - Butt.
- But what? What?
Copy !req
2305. - Do it.
- Do it?
Copy !req
2306. What?
Copy !req
2307. I don't know
what you're talking about.
Copy !req
2308. - Butt.
- But...
Copy !req
2309. - What?
- ... what?
Copy !req
2310. But, it still feels so right.
Copy !req
2311. Yeah!
Copy !req
2312. Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
2313. That was a fun day.
Copy !req
2314. You are so kinky.
Copy !req
2315. Yeah, I'm so kinky.
Copy !req
2316. That's why I did this
because I thought it looks...
Copy !req
2317. You like to shave, don't you?
Copy !req
2318. - Let's shave each other.
- I don't think you have any hair.
Copy !req
2319. You know where to shave me.
Copy !req
2320. - Yeah.
- Because I want to shave you.
Copy !req
2321. I want to shave your head.
Copy !req
2322. I wanna give you
a buzz cut.
Copy !req
2323. Let's get in the bath.
Copy !req
2324. In the bath?
Copy !req
2325. Yes. We're gonna get dirty.
Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.
Copy !req
2326. It's just about time
I got really dirty.
Copy !req
2327. Yeah.
Copy !req
2328. Hey. Hi, it's me, and I'm
on my way to your house.
Copy !req
2329. I want to do whatever
you want to do, okay?
Copy !req
2330. Fifty dates. 100.
I hope not, but whatever.
Copy !req
2331. I'm gonna see you soon,
okay? Bye.
Copy !req
2332. Wow. Okay, well,
that was fast. Okay.
Copy !req
2333. Wow! Holy shit!
Copy !req
2334. Wow. This is just
the right thing to happen.
Copy !req
2335. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow!
Almost got my penis.
Copy !req
2336. Come to mama.
Copy !req
2337. I'm gonna really take care
of you tonight.
Copy !req
2338. You're never
gonna forget Beth.
Copy !req
2339. I just want to please you.
Copy !req
2340. What do you like?
Copy !req
2341. I don't know.
What do you like?
Copy !req
2342. Can I show you what I like?
Copy !req
2343. Okay.
Copy !req
2344. It's so hot in here.
Copy !req
2345. I wanna introduce you
to my friend.
Copy !req
2346. Your friend is so shiny.
Copy !req
2347. This guy knows exactly
what I like.
Copy !req
2348. Where's you friend going?
Copy !req
2349. This is how I'm gonna
warm up for you.
Copy !req
2350. That's always good to warm up.
You don't wanna pull something.
Copy !req
2351. Wow, this is graphic.
Copy !req
2352. I can't do it.
Copy !req
2353. God, what are you
doing here?
Copy !req
2354. We came here because we were
concerned about you and Trish
Copy !req
2355. and now I could not give
a fuck.
Copy !req
2356. How did you even know
where she lives?
Copy !req
2357. I hit it like eight months back. What?
Copy !req
2358. Never gave her back the key,
man. You have no idea
Copy !req
2359. where this is going, all
right? That girl is a freak.
Copy !req
2360. Oh, it's happening!
It's happening! Andy!
Copy !req
2361. You think?
Copy !req
2362. We've been talking,
and look,
Copy !req
2363. if you love Trish,
you can't do this.
Copy !req
2364. Look, you guys, I don't
know what I'm doing anymore.
Copy !req
2365. I don't even know who I am.
All I know is
Copy !req
2366. that woman
scares the shit out of me
Copy !req
2367. and I just wanna go home,
okay?
Copy !req
2368. Let's go.
We should all get out of here.
Copy !req
2369. Okay.
We should all go.
Copy !req
2370. It wasn't that good
for me.
Copy !req
2371. We should totally
get out of here.
Copy !req
2372. We should run away
from here.
Copy !req
2373. Hey.
Copy !req
2374. Cal.
Copy !req
2375. Go around!
Copy !req
2376. Come on,
just go around me!
Copy !req
2377. Can't you hear me?
Copy !req
2378. Hey, there. Hi, Trish.
Copy !req
2379. Man, I'm really sorry
about tonight.
Copy !req
2380. What's this?
Copy !req
2381. Those are David's.
Copy !req
2382. I think he has a problem.
Copy !req
2383. These are David's?
He's into that.
Copy !req
2384. David's Boner Jams '03?
Copy !req
2385. Yeah, it's so sad.
Copy !req
2386. He compiled all the best
boner scenes, I guess.
Copy !req
2387. This isn't what it looks like,
okay?
Copy !req
2388. What does this look like?
A vagina.
Copy !req
2389. And what do you do
with this vagina?
Copy !req
2390. To learn.
It's for medicinal purposes.
Copy !req
2391. Ugh.
Copy !req
2392. Hey, I'm sorry. God...
What's this?
Copy !req
2393. This your date drug?
Your roofie?
Copy !req
2394. It's a Mentos.
Copy !req
2395. They're "The Freshmaker".
Copy !req
2396. Yeah, right.
Copy !req
2397. What are you,
some kind of sex pervert?
Copy !req
2398. Are you a deviant
or something?
Copy !req
2399. No, I'm not a sexual deviant!
What is all this?
Copy !req
2400. I haven't even tried
to have sex with you, so...
Copy !req
2401. What are you trying to do? What
are you buttering me up for?
Copy !req
2402. Come on.
Copy !req
2403. You're not gonna try
and kill me, are you?
Copy !req
2404. - Look, Trish.
- You didn't get a new carpet.
Copy !req
2405. I'm not trying to kill you.
I love you.
Copy !req
2406. - I love you.
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
2407. Trish.
Copy !req
2408. Trish. No!
Copy !req
2409. No. Trish, stop.
Copy !req
2410. Come on, Trish!
Copy !req
2411. I need to talk to you!
Copy !req
2412. No!
Copy !req
2413. Damn it.
Copy !req
2414. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
2415. Andy! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
2416. Call 911.
Copy !req
2417. Oh, my... Andy.
Copy !req
2418. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
2419. I'm gonna need a minute. I'm
in a lot of pain right now.
Copy !req
2420. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Copy !req
2421. Not bad.
Copy !req
2422. There were two sides
to that billboard.
Copy !req
2423. And they both hurt equally.
Copy !req
2424. Andy. Andy.
Copy !req
2425. - Are you okay?
- I'm okay.
Copy !req
2426. No, I'm not okay.
Copy !req
2427. I'm a virgin.
Copy !req
2428. A what?
Copy !req
2429. I'm a virgin.
I always have been.
Copy !req
2430. Andy, is that what
all this was about?
Copy !req
2431. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2432. You're just a virgin,
that's all?
Copy !req
2433. Yeah. That's good. That's a good thing.
Copy !req
2434. I feel stupid.
Copy !req
2435. It's okay. I thought
you were trying to kill me.
Copy !req
2436. No.
Copy !req
2437. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
2438. No, I'm not trying
to kill you.
Copy !req
2439. That's why I never tried
to have sex with you.
Copy !req
2440. I was scared, okay?
I just...
Copy !req
2441. 'Cause I didn't know
what I was doing.
Copy !req
2442. I just didn't think
it would be good.
Copy !req
2443. Of course it'll be good.
We love each other.
Copy !req
2444. Really?
Copy !req
2445. I love you.
Copy !req
2446. Yeah.
Copy !req
2447. Get the fuck out of the road,
virgin!
Copy !req
2448. Shut up, you fucking jerk!
Copy !req
2449. No, that's okay.
That's all right. Sorry.
Copy !req
2450. You know what...
Copy !req
2451. for so long I thought that there
was something wrong with me...
Copy !req
2452. because it had
never happened, but...
Copy !req
2453. I realize now that it was just
because I was waiting for you.
Copy !req
2454. This was some wedding.
How could they afford it?
Copy !req
2455. Dude sells his toys and makes
like a half a million dollars.
Copy !req
2456. - It's crazy, right?
- That's fucking crazy.
Copy !req
2457. We're gonna get
some fucking toys.
Copy !req
2458. We are all so happy for you.
Copy !req
2459. I am delighted
to say these words.
Copy !req
2460. Andy...
Copy !req
2461. you may kiss the bride.
Copy !req
2462. And for God's sake,
consummate the thing.
Copy !req
2463. No! Stop it.
I have the key.
Copy !req
2464. I'm not gonna be done
buffing the marble...
Copy !req
2465. for about a half an hour,
but...
Copy !req
2466. you can come in and sit down
if you want...
Copy !req
2467. or wait in the lobby.
It's okay.
Copy !req
2468. It's up to you.
Copy !req
2469. Dude,
get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
2470. - Ready?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2471. - Yes.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2472. Whoa.
Copy !req
2473. You're officially
not a virgin.
Copy !req
2474. Cool.
Copy !req
2475. Wow.
Copy !req
2476. Wanna do it again?
Copy !req
2477. - Yeah.
- Good. Okay.
Copy !req
2478. Sure.
Copy !req
2479. That was good. That was okay.
Copy !req
2480. Okay.
Copy !req
2481. - You ready?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2482. - Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
Copy !req
2483. So, how was that for you?
Copy !req