1. It has been said that
magic vanished from our world
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2. a long time ago,
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3. and that humanity can no
longer fulfill its desires
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4. through the power of wishes.
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5. To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,
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6. submitted here is
the story of a little boy
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7. and a magical Christmas wish
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8. that changed his life forever.
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9. It began in 1985, in a
town just outside Boston.
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10. It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.
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11. That special time of year
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12. when Boston children
gather together
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13. and beat up the Jewish kids.
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14. Hey, greenbaum!
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15. Get him!
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16. But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.
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17. Little John Bennett,
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18. that one boy in
every neighborhood
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19. who just has a tough time
making friends.
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20. Hey, guys, can I play?
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21. Get out of here, Bennett.
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22. Get lost, Bennett!
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23. Get out of here, Bennett!
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24. Yeah, Bennett get lost.
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25. John longed with all his heart
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26. for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.
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27. And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,
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28. he would never let him go.
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29. Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.
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30. All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.
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31. And for little John Bennett,
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32. Christmas day brought a
very special new arrival.
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33. I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year?
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34. Merry Christmas, John.
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35. I love you!
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36. He talks!
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37. I'm going to name you Teddy.
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38. John became
instantly attached to Teddy.
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39. There was something
about that bear
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40. that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend
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41. with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.
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42. I love you!
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43. I love you, too, Teddy.
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44. You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.
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45. Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.
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46. Now, if there's one
thing you can be sure of,
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47. it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.
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48. Except an apache helicopter.
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49. An apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.
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50. It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,
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51. an absolute death machine.
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52. Well, as it turned out,
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53. John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.
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54. Teddy?
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55. Teddy?
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56. Teddy?
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57. Hug me.
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58. You're my best friend, John.
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59. Did you... did you just talk?
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60. don't look so surprised.
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61. You're the one who wished
for it, aren't you?
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62. Yeah. I did wish for it.
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63. Well, here I am.
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64. You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?
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65. For real.
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66. Forever and ever?
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67. Sounds good to me.
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68. John was just about
the happiest boy in the world
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69. and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.
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70. Mom, dad, guess what?
My Teddy bear's alive!
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71. Really? Well, isn't
that exciting.
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72. No, mom, he's really alive.
Look.
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73. Merry Christmas, everybody.
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74. Jesus h. Fuck!
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75. Let's all be best friends.
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76. Oh, my god!
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77. John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.
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78. - But, dad...
- Get over here!
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79. Listen to your father!
Come here!
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80. - Helen, get my gun.
- Dad, no!
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81. Is it a hugging gun?
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82. Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!
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83. I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I
didn't mean to scare anybody.
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84. I just wanted John
and I to be friends.
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85. Yeah, dad, I made a wish last
night that Teddy was alive
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86. and my wish came true.
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87. Oh, my god!
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88. It's a miracle.
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89. It's a Christmas miracle.
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90. You're just like the baby Jesus.
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91. Well, it wasn't long before
the story of John's little miracle
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92. was sweeping the nation.
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93. Out of a Boston suburb
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94. comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...
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95. A young boy's stuffed animal
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96. has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...
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97. Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!
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98. Before long, Teddy
had become a huge celebrity
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99. in his own right.
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100. Hello, Teddy.
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101. You... you are a...
You surprise me.
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102. For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.
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103. I thought you were
going to be funnier.
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104. But through all the fame,
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105. Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.
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106. The thunder can't get us, right?
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107. Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.
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108. We're totally safe.
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109. Teddy?
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110. Yeah, John?
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111. Do you promise we'll
always be together?
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112. I promise.
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113. Thunder buddies for life.
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114. Thunder buddies for life.
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115. And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.
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116. So, where are
John and Teddy today?
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117. Well, let me put it this way.
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118. No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,
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119. whether you're Corey feldman,
Frankie muniz, Justin bieber,
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120. or a talking Teddy bear,
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121. eventually, nobody gives a shit.
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122. Do I dare look at the clock?
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123. Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,
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124. a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.
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125. That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.
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126. No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.
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127. They're not that bad.
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128. See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad
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129. means that they are that bad.
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130. Did you ever hear a Boston
girl have an orgasm?
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131. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!
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132. Oh, god, that was so good!
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133. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with pepperidge farm!
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134. Jesus, this is weak.
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135. It's not even getting me high. I got
to have a talk with my weed guy.
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136. It's working for me.
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137. I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.
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138. I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.
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139. No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.
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140. You remember? I was, like, "oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."
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141. - Is it 9:30?
- Yeah.
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142. Shit, I got to get to work!
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143. I don't know if I can drive!
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144. It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.
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145. - Fuck!
- Shit.
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146. Oh, man!
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147. Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That
car just came out of nowhere.
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148. God, is it bad?
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149. Oh, man!
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150. John! May I speak
with you, please?
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151. Shit.
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152. It's all right, go, go, go.
I'll pull out of here.
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153. Hi, Thomas, how are you?
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154. Asshole!
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155. That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.
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156. John, it's almost 10:00.
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157. I know, sir, I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.
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158. What do you mean?
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159. I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.
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160. John, all you got to do
is not fuck up
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161. and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.
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162. You're the new branch manager.
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163. All you've got to do
is not fuck up.
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164. - I realize that.
- Good.
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165. Glad to hear it.
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166. Because in a month,
my life could be your life.
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167. A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager
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168. who's personal friends
with tom skerritt.
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169. Not a bad life, is it?
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170. No.
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171. I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people
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172. because I don't want them
treating me differently.
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173. That's me and skerritt.
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174. Goddamn right, "wow."
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175. I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car
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176. and for showing up
late today, all right?
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177. Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.
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178. I will, sir, I promise.
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179. I'm not going to
let you down, goose.
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180. What?
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181. Top gun.
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182. So?
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183. Tom skerritt.
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184. I know that.
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185. Get out of here, okay?
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186. Thank you, sir.
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187. All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,
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188. complimentary map of Boston.
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189. Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.
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190. - Thanks.
- Thanks so much.
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191. I heard you got busted.
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192. Jesus, guy, you look like shit, man.
What happened?
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193. I don't know, I got fucking
wasted last night.
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194. My phone says I texted someone at
3:15, asking them to beat me up.
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195. And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "thanks."
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196. And you don't remember it?
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197. No, same as last time.
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198. It just seems kind
of gay, doesn't it?
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199. I don't know. Maybe, yeah.
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200. Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?
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201. Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?
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202. I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.
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203. I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.
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204. I might be gay, I don't know.
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205. Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?
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206. I might go lay down in the John.
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207. Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?
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208. Hey, alix, what's up? You
get in the club last night?
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209. I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.
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210. But I made friends in the line.
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211. That's good, I guess.
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212. Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,
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213. like something
where they give out
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214. free bubblegum in the bathrooms?
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215. For what?
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216. Lori and I have been dating
four years tomorrow.
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217. I want to take her
someplace really nice.
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218. Congratulations, John.
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219. You guys have been
going out for four years?
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220. My longest relationship
was like six months
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221. and then she farted
in her sleep.
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222. I'm like, "I'm out of here, man."
I was gone before she woke up.
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223. You're not very tolerant?
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224. Lori ever fart in front of you?
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225. Yeah.
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226. - Really?
- Yeah, many times.
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227. - You Italian?
- No.
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228. Why?
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229. Never mind.
Take her to benihana.
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230. John, look, don't you
think after four years
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231. maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?
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232. Like what?
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233. I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.
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234. Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.
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235. I mean, marriage isn't...
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236. Isn't love enough? I submit
that love is enough.
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237. You can put the ring in her
ass, let her fart it out.
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238. So bad, but so good.
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239. Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,
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240. you and I got to
nail down a plan
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241. for the bruins game
tomorrow night.
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242. No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.
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243. For what?
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244. Well, we've been dating
four years tomorrow.
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245. Oh, fuck me. Nice.
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246. Let me ask you something.
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247. You don't think
she's going to be
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248. expecting something big, do you?
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249. What, like anal?
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250. No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.
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251. Oh, fuck that! It's been
four years, Johnny.
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252. You and me have been
together for 27 years.
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253. Where's my ring?
Where's my ring, asshole?
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254. Where's my ring, motherfucker?
Stop it. Come on!
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255. Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!
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256. All right, knock it off!
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257. All right, I'm just saying.
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258. But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?
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259. No, I don't think she is. And, not
only that, it's the wrong time.
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260. It's a terrible idea. I
mean, you got the economy.
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261. You got the credit bubble,
the supreme court.
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262. I mean, look at Haiti.
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263. I guess I didn't
think about that.
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264. Well, that's... it's a factor.
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265. Who are you?
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266. Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York jets.
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267. This is the American
fantasy, right here.
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268. A professional NFL player is
called upon to save the world.
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269. Tom Brady could do that.
Tom Brady could do that!
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270. - Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.
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271. Hey, Lori-.
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272. - Hi.
- Hi.
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273. What do you got there?
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274. Turkey burgers.
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275. Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?
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276. No, just you homos.
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277. You kind of just reworded my
joke, but...
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278. How was work?
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279. It was fine.
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280. How's your dickhead boss?
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281. Rex is fine.
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282. He only hit on me once today,
so, it's a good thing.
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283. Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?
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284. A couple of
Charles brew-kowskis?
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285. Couple of brew-stoyevskis?
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286. Maybe a Mike brew-gaslowski?
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287. Perhaps a tedy brew-ski?
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288. That's a good one.
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289. You know what, I think I, too,
want a martina navrati-brewski.
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290. No, that doesn't work.
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291. don't ruin it. No.
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292. Bullshit! That totally works.
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293. No, no.
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294. - Yeah, it does.
- It doesn't work.
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295. The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it
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296. and you just put "brewski" at the
end of "martina navratilova," so...
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297. I just thought we
were saying funny names.
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298. No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.
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299. Otherwise,
where's the challenge?
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300. If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word
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301. then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.
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302. Hey.
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303. They found the missing hikers.
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304. They did?
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305. - Yeah.
- What happened?
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306. They said they got separated
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307. and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock
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308. for like, five days.
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309. You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock
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310. I'd chew it off to get you free.
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311. You would?
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312. I sure would.
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313. Is that cannibalism?
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314. No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.
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315. Oh, yeah, no!
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316. don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.
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317. Really? 'Cause
that's not what I heard.
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318. Well, it's not true, okay?
I'm a classy broad.
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319. Yeah.
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320. I can see that.
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321. Listen, speaking of classy,
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322. ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.
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323. So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.
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324. I really don't care,
as long as we're together.
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325. Are you kidding me?
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326. No, no, no. Four years,
we've been going out.
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327. I'm taking you to
the best place in town.
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328. You know I love you.
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329. I love you, too.
And you're nasty.
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330. Do you want to get nasty?
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331. You're a nasty girl.
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332. I don't understand.
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333. Thirty-five years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.
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334. I am not!
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335. Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
Fucking right.
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336. Let's sing the thunder song.
All right.
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337. When you hear the sound
of thunder don't you get too scared
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338. just grab your thunder buddy
and say these magic words
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339. fuck you, thunder
you can suck my dick
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340. you can't get me, thunder
'cause you're just god's farts
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341. hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?
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342. I've got a lot of
stuff to do tomorrow.
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343. Good morning, Lori.
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344. Good morning.
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345. Okay. You okay
there, sweetheart?
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346. You look a little flustered.
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347. I'm fine, I'm fine,
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348. I just didn't have time for
breakfast and the garage was full,
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349. oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm
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350. without his Teddy bear.
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351. I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.
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352. Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's
working for a rental car service.
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353. You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.
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354. I don't care about that. I mean,
I'd love him if he was a janitor.
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355. I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.
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356. It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.
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357. I don't know. I just wish he
would get his life together.
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358. Our life. And he can't.
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359. And, I swear to god,
it is because of that bear.
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360. You should give him an ultimatum.
It's you or the bear.
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361. No, I can't do that.
That would devastate him.
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362. Besides, what if he chose Ted?
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363. Well, hello there.
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364. Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk
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365. about Channing Tatum's
index finger.
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366. But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.
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367. Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a
lot of work I need to get to...
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368. Oh, this is work, I swear.
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369. Great.
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370. - Good luck.
- Thank you.
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371. He's such an asshole.
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372. Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.
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373. A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.
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374. Check this out.
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375. That's me on
the high school diving team.
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376. We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.
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377. You promised me
this was about work.
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378. Lori, why don't you like me?
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379. I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.
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380. I have a boyfriend.
I have told you this.
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381. Yeah, the guy with the bear.
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382. But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.
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383. If we were together, our
babies would be spectacular.
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384. With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of
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385. dark, beautiful, smoky...
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386. Baltic? Czech?
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387. Goodbye, Rex.
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388. Okay, that was perfect.
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389. Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?
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390. No, I'm good. Thank you.
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391. Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?
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392. I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.
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393. Sure.
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394. What are you, five years old?
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395. Yeah.
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396. But I read at a
six-year-old level, so...
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397. Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert
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398. and champagne.
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399. Cristal.
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400. It's a special night. We've
been dating for four years.
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401. And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?
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402. It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?
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403. No, it doesn't.
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404. You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,
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405. but I'm really happy
that you were.
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406. This song is so great.
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407. Oh, yeah. Chris brown
can do no wrong.
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408. You can really move.
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409. You like that?
Check this shit out.
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410. Oh, my god!
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411. Are you okay?
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412. Oh, god, lam so sorry.
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413. No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
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414. Jesus, lam so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.
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415. Did you hurt your head?
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416. Yeah, my head hurts a lot.
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417. Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.
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418. Sorry, sorry. Does it hurt?
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419. No. It's fine.
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420. Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.
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421. You remember that night,
after the club
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422. we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.
Copy !req
423. We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.
Copy !req
424. Name that movie.
Copy !req
425. Octopussy.
Copy !req
426. Baby! Gold star.
Copy !req
427. And, by the way, my
dancing was not that bad.
Copy !req
428. It was pretty bad.
I have cool moves.
Copy !req
429. Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.
Copy !req
430. That's not how I remember it.
Copy !req
431. Okay, how do you remember it?
Copy !req
432. All right, whatever you say.
Copy !req
433. - Hey.
- Yes?
Copy !req
434. Here's to four more years.
Copy !req
435. - Okay.
- You make me happy.
Copy !req
436. Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...
Copy !req
437. We said no such thing.
Copy !req
438. I got you something anyway, in clear
violation of the "no gift" rule.
Copy !req
439. We had no such rule.
Copy !req
440. Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.
Copy !req
441. John".
Copy !req
442. Those are the ones you like, right?
From that kiosk at the mall.
Copy !req
443. Yeah.
Copy !req
444. You know, Lori,
Copy !req
445. someday, there's going
to be a ring in there.
Copy !req
446. But I want to wait until I get
you something really special.
Copy !req
447. I just don't have
the money right now.
Copy !req
448. Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.
Copy !req
449. You're not going to
have any sort of career
Copy !req
450. if you keep
wasting time with Ted.
Copy !req
451. Oh, jeez, here we go.
Copy !req
452. Baby, please ask Ted to move out
Copy !req
453. so we can move on
with our lives.
Copy !req
454. Lori, look, he's been my best
friend since I was eight.
Copy !req
455. I was not a popular child.
Copy !req
456. You have to understand, I had no
friends before he came along.
Copy !req
457. He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.
Copy !req
458. But you're no longer eight.
You're 35 years old.
Copy !req
459. And unless you're
too blind to notice,
Copy !req
460. he's not your
only friend anymore.
Copy !req
461. Can we talk about
this another time,
Copy !req
462. and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?
Copy !req
463. Oh, shit, hang on a second.
Copy !req
464. Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.
Copy !req
465. Can you call it?
Copy !req
466. Yeah.
Copy !req
467. Is that my ringtone?
Copy !req
468. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
469. What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.
Copy !req
470. No, no, it's from the notebook.
Copy !req
471. This is going to take
some doing, I think.
Copy !req
472. I'll just meet
you upstairs then?
Copy !req
473. Yeah, I'll be right there.
Copy !req
474. Lori, hey, you're home early.
Copy !req
475. What the hell is this?
Copy !req
476. The ladies and I were just
watching Jack and Jill.
Copy !req
477. Adam sandier plays a guy and his
sister, and it's just awful.
Copy !req
478. It's unwatchable.
Copy !req
479. But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.
Copy !req
480. This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?
Copy !req
481. Where are my manners?
Copy !req
482. Lori, this is Angelique, heavenly,
cherene, and sauvignon blanc.
Copy !req
483. I love you girls.
Copy !req
484. You know, somewhere out there
are four terrible fathers
Copy !req
485. I wish I could thank
for this great night.
Copy !req
486. What is that?
Copy !req
487. What is what?
Copy !req
488. There is...
Copy !req
489. A shit on my floor.
Copy !req
490. In the corner, there is a shit!
Copy !req
491. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were
playing truth or dare
Copy !req
492. and cherene's pretty ballsy.
Copy !req
493. There is a shit on my floor!
Copy !req
494. "Or is the floor on the shit?"
Is what kierkegaard would say.
Copy !req
495. Who lives here? I'm coming
to get whoever lives here.
Copy !req
496. You owe me lobster money.
Copy !req
497. That's my buddy, Johnny.
Copy !req
498. Not the lobster,
the guy running it.
Copy !req
499. I found my phone.
Copy !req
500. What's going on?
Copy !req
501. Is that a shit?
Copy !req
502. God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.
Copy !req
503. Look at that one.
Waspy, white-guy fish.
Copy !req
504. "I married the wrong woman, and
now I lead a life of regret."
Copy !req
505. Oh, look at this guy.
Copy !req
506. "I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."
Copy !req
507. Ted, you gotta move out.
Copy !req
508. What?
Copy !req
509. It's got to happen.
Copy !req
510. What did I do?
Copy !req
511. My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.
Copy !req
512. Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.
Copy !req
513. Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.
Copy !req
514. - Oh, god!
- What?
Copy !req
515. Oh, this is so gross!
Copy !req
516. don't tell me! I don't want to
hear about it! Did you get it?
Copy !req
517. No, I didn't get it!
Tell me when you get it!
Copy !req
518. Oh, my god,
I got some on my thumb!
Copy !req
519. No! You can never cook
with that hand again!
Copy !req
520. Oh, my god! You have to
learn to cook left-handed.
Copy !req
521. This is the most
disgusting thing ever!
Copy !req
522. don't! Get it away from me!
Copy !req
523. Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.
Copy !req
524. Ted, you mean everything
to me, and so does Lori.
Copy !req
525. I'm just trying to find a way
to keep you both in my life.
Copy !req
526. She's making you
do it, isn't she?
Copy !req
527. Yes.
Copy !req
528. But that doesn't mean we can't hang out.
We'll hang out all the time.
Copy !req
529. Yeah, but what about "thunder
buddies for life," Johnny?
Copy !req
530. I know. I just don't
know what to do, here.
Copy !req
531. I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.
Copy !req
532. And I do love her, Ted.
Copy !req
533. I know you do, Johnny.
Copy !req
534. I'll help you get on your
feet out there, I promise.
Copy !req
535. I know. And we'll hang
out all the time, right?
Copy !req
536. All the time.
Copy !req
537. Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.
Copy !req
538. Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.
Copy !req
539. I love you!
Copy !req
540. Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's
the thing from the...
Copy !req
541. - The old...
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
542. - I'm not gay.
- I know.
Copy !req
543. And you're not gay,
so we're fine.
Copy !req
544. We gotta get you a job.
Copy !req
545. I look stupid.
Copy !req
546. No you don't. You look dapper.
Copy !req
547. I don't. I look like
snuggle's accountant.
Copy !req
548. Come on, it's not that bad.
Copy !req
549. John, I look like something
you give your kid
Copy !req
550. when you tell him grandma died.
Copy !req
551. Look, I know it sucks, okay?
Copy !req
552. But you've got
to make some money
Copy !req
553. so you can pay for an apartment.
Copy !req
554. I don't want to work
at a grocery store.
Copy !req
555. Yeah, but you have no skills.
Copy !req
556. I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.
Copy !req
557. You get the job, we're
celebrating after, okay?
Copy !req
558. And if I don't get the job,
Copy !req
559. are we still going to
smoke that pot?
Copy !req
560. Probably, yes.
Copy !req
561. Okay, all right.
Good talk, coach, thanks.
Copy !req
562. All right, buddy, go get 'em.
Copy !req
563. And don't worry,
I'll do my very best
Copy !req
564. to get this job that I so crave.
Copy !req
565. So you think you
got what it takes?
Copy !req
566. I'll tell you what I got. Your
wife's pussy on my breath.
Copy !req
567. Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.
Copy !req
568. That's 'cause everyone's mouth is
usually full of your wife's box.
Copy !req
569. You're hired.
Copy !req
570. Shit.
Copy !req
571. Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.
Copy !req
572. This is how the cast of
different strokes feels.
Copy !req
573. All day, every day. Just awful.
Copy !req
574. They must feel awful. The
live ones must feel awful.
Copy !req
575. Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?
Copy !req
576. I got a shitty job, and I
assure you, lam quite content.
Copy !req
577. Excuse me.
Copy !req
578. I'm sorry to bother you
Copy !req
579. but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your Teddy bear.
Copy !req
580. - Oh, thank you.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
581. Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.
Copy !req
582. I have to say, I've been following
you ever since I was a young boy
Copy !req
583. and I remember seeing you
on the Carson show.
Copy !req
584. You were just wonderful.
Copy !req
585. Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.
Copy !req
586. Ed thought I was alf, and he kept
muttering anti-semitic comments.
Copy !req
587. He thought alf was
Jewish for some reason.
Copy !req
588. Have you ever considered
selling the bear?
Copy !req
589. - What?
- Excuse me?
Copy !req
590. I want it.
Copy !req
591. I'm not an "it," pal.
I'm a "he," all right?
Copy !req
592. I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.
Copy !req
593. See, I've had him
since I was about your age.
Copy !req
594. He's very, very special to me.
Copy !req
595. Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.
Copy !req
596. Why the fuck would he say that?
Copy !req
597. Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.
Copy !req
598. Look, we're very
interested in the bear.
Copy !req
599. If you want to make
some sort of arrangement
Copy !req
600. here's my address
and phone number.
Copy !req
601. And you can call me
any time, okay?
Copy !req
602. Will do.
Copy !req
603. Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.
Copy !req
604. Okay? Okay.
Copy !req
605. - Okay.
- See you later.
Copy !req
606. Come on, Robert.
Copy !req
607. Take it easy.
Copy !req
608. What the fuck?
Copy !req
609. Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?
Copy !req
610. I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement
Copy !req
611. and really slowly
de-limbing you
Copy !req
612. while singing some creepy
victorian nursery rhyme.
Copy !req
613. Oh, my little sixpence
my pretty little sixpence
Copy !req
614. stop it. Knock it off.
Copy !req
615. I love my sixpence
better than my life
Copy !req
616. stop it! Fuck! Why you got
to take it to that place?
Copy !req
617. You took it to a very... now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.
Copy !req
618. Come on. Take it easy.
Copy !req
619. All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.
Copy !req
620. I guess this is it?
Copy !req
621. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
Copy !req
622. First night on your own.
Copy !req
623. Yeah, first night in
my beautiful new apartment.
Copy !req
624. It'll be great
when it's furnished.
Copy !req
625. Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.
Copy !req
626. So, that's good.
Copy !req
627. Okay, so,
if you need anything...
Copy !req
628. Yeah, I know. Don't worry,
Johnny, I'll be fine.
Copy !req
629. I know you will.
Copy !req
630. All right.
Copy !req
631. Hey there.
Copy !req
632. Hey.
Copy !req
633. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
634. Listen, I just want
to say thank you.
Copy !req
635. I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,
Copy !req
636. and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,
Copy !req
637. and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.
Copy !req
638. Hey, anything for you.
Copy !req
639. This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,
Copy !req
640. so you better get used to him.
Copy !req
641. Really?
Copy !req
642. Well, you know,
Copy !req
643. I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.
Copy !req
644. Well, that's perfect.
Copy !req
645. Because I'm only
going to need one.
Copy !req
646. You know what my favorite
thing about you is?
Copy !req
647. That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.
Copy !req
648. To step up and change such
a huge part of your life
Copy !req
649. just to make your
girlfriend happier...
Copy !req
650. I don't know, I guess most
guys wouldn't do that.
Copy !req
651. Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.
Copy !req
652. I know I'm not
a talking Teddy bear,
Copy !req
653. but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.
Copy !req
654. How do you know?
Copy !req
655. Is that a flash Gordon ray gun,
Copy !req
656. or are you just happy to see me?
Copy !req
657. There we go.
Copy !req
658. Thank you very much, please come again.
We have a lot more groceries.
Copy !req
659. Hey, Ellen.
Copy !req
660. Yeah?
Copy !req
661. Who's that over there?
Copy !req
662. That's the new checkout girl.
Copy !req
663. don't know her name.
Seems cute.
Copy !req
664. Yeah, very cute. Do you know
what I'd like to do to her?
Copy !req
665. Something I call a dirty fozzie.
Copy !req
666. Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.
Copy !req
667. Hey, how are you holding up?
Copy !req
668. Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting
used to things, that's all.
Copy !req
669. It's going to be all right.
Copy !req
670. I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.
Copy !req
671. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
672. We were together for eight
months, and I really loved him.
Copy !req
673. And then he got
deported back to Iran,
Copy !req
674. so I know what
you're going through.
Copy !req
675. Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.
Copy !req
676. We sure did.
Copy !req
677. Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?
Copy !req
678. You want to come over
and catch a buzz?
Copy !req
679. Well, I could probably
stop by after work.
Copy !req
680. Fuck that I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.
Copy !req
681. Come on, I'm bored as crap over here.
Just swing by for a bit.
Copy !req
682. I cannot just ditch work, man.
Copy !req
683. Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together
Copy !req
684. and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.
Copy !req
685. John, five minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.
Copy !req
686. Just come over. I got
the cheers DVD box set
Copy !req
687. and the guy down
at the store told me
Copy !req
688. that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.
Copy !req
689. You'll kick me out in five?
Copy !req
690. I will kick you out in five.
John, I have to kick you out.
Copy !req
691. I have so much Teddy bear paperwork
I have to get to, it is sick.
Copy !req
692. What do I tell Thomas?
Copy !req
693. Just tell him you
don't feel well.
Copy !req
694. I gotta cut out for a bit.
Copy !req
695. Lori tried to
break up a dog fight
Copy !req
696. and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.
Copy !req
697. Oh, my god!
Copy !req
698. Yeah, that's the way she is.
Copy !req
699. She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,
Copy !req
700. and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm
Copy !req
701. and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up
Copy !req
702. and stuck his finger in his ass.
Copy !req
703. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
704. Yeah, she's pretty shook up.
Copy !req
705. Up the dog's ass, right?
Copy !req
706. Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.
Copy !req
707. I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.
Copy !req
708. No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.
Copy !req
709. Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.
Copy !req
710. - Thank you.
- Go.
Copy !req
711. Woody Harrelson. Smallest
dick I've ever seen on a man.
Copy !req
712. See, that's why
I watch these things.
Copy !req
713. That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.
Copy !req
714. Oh, hey, listen, try this.
Copy !req
715. I told my weed guy to step
it up and he gave me that.
Copy !req
716. What is it?
Copy !req
717. It's called "mind rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.
Copy !req
718. It doesn't sound very mellow.
Copy !req
719. Well, he only had
three other batches.
Copy !req
720. "Gorilla panic,"
Copy !req
721. "they're coming,
they're coming,"
Copy !req
722. and something called,
"this is permanent."
Copy !req
723. Go on, spark it up.
Copy !req
724. There you go. You got it.
Copy !req
725. Nice. Good? Good job.
Copy !req
726. - Yeah.
- Take pride in that.
Copy !req
727. You know,
this place looks great.
Copy !req
728. Thanks, man, it's all Ikea.
Copy !req
729. Did the whole place for $47.
Copy !req
730. - Nice.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
731. How are the neighbors?
Copy !req
732. You know, there's an Asian
family living next door
Copy !req
733. but they don't have a gong or
nothing, so it's not too bad.
Copy !req
734. - That's lucky.
- Yeah, it is.
Copy !req
735. - How's work?
- It sucks.
Copy !req
736. You?
Copy !req
737. You know, not bad actually.
Copy !req
738. I met a girl. She's a cashier.
Copy !req
739. - No way, that's awesome!
- Yeah.
Copy !req
740. Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.
Copy !req
741. You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?
Copy !req
742. White trash name. Guess.
Copy !req
743. - Mandy?
- No.
Copy !req
744. - Marilyn?
- No.
Copy !req
745. - Britney? Tiffany?
- No. No.
Copy !req
746. - Candice?
- No.
Copy !req
747. don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!
Copy !req
748. - Do you see me fucking with you?
- All right, speed round.
Copy !req
749. I'm going to
rattle off some names
Copy !req
750. and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.
Copy !req
751. - I will tell you.
- You got me?
Copy !req
752. All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,
Copy !req
753. Breanna, Amber, Sabrina, melody,
Copy !req
754. Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, crystal,
Copy !req
755. Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, tami,
Copy !req
756. Lauren, charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, misty, Jenny, krista,
Copy !req
757. mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
trina, reba, Cassandra,
Copy !req
758. Nikki, Kelsey, shawna,
Jolene, earline, claudine,
Copy !req
759. Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, emmylou.
Copy !req
760. - Fucking Becky?
- No.
Copy !req
761. Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?
Copy !req
762. Yes.
Copy !req
763. I got you, motherfucker.
Copy !req
764. I got you. Okay.
Copy !req
765. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.
Copy !req
766. Fuck!
Copy !req
767. What the hell?
Copy !req
768. Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?
Copy !req
769. There's, like,
1,000 people here.
Copy !req
770. There's supposed to be
three registers open.
Copy !req
771. For god's sakes.
Copy !req
772. Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.
Copy !req
773. You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker
Copy !req
774. on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.
Copy !req
775. I fucked her with
a parsnip last week
Copy !req
776. and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.
Copy !req
777. That took guts. We need guts.
Copy !req
778. I'm promoting you.
Copy !req
779. You got a lot of problems,
don't you?
Copy !req
780. All right, Kareem!
Copy !req
781. You suck, Kareem.
Copy !req
782. Hello?
Copy !req
783. Hey, Ted.
Copy !req
784. Hey there, fella. How are you?
Copy !req
785. Are you out here all alone?
Copy !req
786. No, no, I'm not.
Copy !req
787. You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.
Copy !req
788. So, no, I'm not alone.
Copy !req
789. Yeah. Me, too.
Copy !req
790. You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.
Copy !req
791. Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.
Copy !req
792. I just got
a shitty new apartment...
Copy !req
793. I can offer you
$6,000 in rail road bonds.
Copy !req
794. Well, you know,
since I just returned
Copy !req
795. from active duty
in the civil war
Copy !req
796. that actually
sounds very appealing.
Copy !req
797. Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
798. That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.
Copy !req
799. Okay.
Copy !req
800. Teddy, come on, we're going to be
late for dinner with your friends.
Copy !req
801. Okay, be there
in a second, baby.
Copy !req
802. As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.
Copy !req
803. So, I'm going to
have to decline.
Copy !req
804. Can I just get a hug?
Copy !req
805. No.
Copy !req
806. - Yeah.
- No, no.
Copy !req
807. And it kills me to have to tell you
no, because I'm a people pleaser.
Copy !req
808. Yeah.
Copy !req
809. Thank you for
creeping up my night.
Copy !req
810. - And Jesus be with you...
- Okay.
Copy !req
811. In Christ.
Copy !req
812. Who was that guy?
Copy !req
813. That was sinead o'Connor.
Copy !req
814. She don't look so good no more.
Copy !req
815. How great is this? The
four of us out to dinner.
Copy !req
816. How long have we been saying
we were going to...
Copy !req
817. Lori, how you doing? I haven't
talked to you in forever.
Copy !req
818. I'm good. I'm good.
Copy !req
819. The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.
Copy !req
820. So, that's something.
Copy !req
821. Lori's a senior vp
at a big, huge PR firm.
Copy !req
822. It's not that big of a deal.
Copy !req
823. Company's turning 20?
Copy !req
824. So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.
Copy !req
825. - Right?
- Yeah, she gets it.
Copy !req
826. She enjoys my humor.
Copy !req
827. Yeah, Rex is having
a house party
Copy !req
828. but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering
Copy !req
829. you two have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.
Copy !req
830. You know, it's funny, because
whenever Johnny and I hang out
Copy !req
831. the first item on our agenda is,
Copy !req
832. "what's going on with Lori?"
Copy !req
833. So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.
Copy !req
834. That must have
slipped through the cracks.
Copy !req
835. Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.
Copy !req
836. Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying
Copy !req
837. how great Lori's
hair always looks.
Copy !req
838. Oh, my god,
it always looks so great!
Copy !req
839. I always want to
fucking brush it.
Copy !req
840. Right, Johnny? I say that.
Copy !req
841. So, tami-Lynn,
Copy !req
842. why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
Copy !req
843. Like, where are you from?
Copy !req
844. I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.
Copy !req
845. What do you mean "girlfriends"?
Copy !req
846. Was there a lot of them
or something?
Copy !req
847. No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?
Copy !req
848. Lori, you didn't mean that.
No, no, no.
Copy !req
849. What I meant to say
was Ted's very handsome
Copy !req
850. so I'm always
interested in meeting
Copy !req
851. the lady that can snatch him up.
Copy !req
852. Did you just call me a whore?
Copy !req
853. What?
Copy !req
854. You just worry about your own
"snatch." How about that, honey?
Copy !req
855. What the hell happened? We're
having a friendly meal here.
Copy !req
856. This was a nice evening.
Copy !req
857. don't talk shit to me.
Copy !req
858. I just asked you a question.
Copy !req
859. You know,
you're a freaking snob.
Copy !req
860. You think you're
cool because you work
Copy !req
861. at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.
Copy !req
862. Okay, take it easy.
Nice, Lori, real nice.
Copy !req
863. Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.
Copy !req
864. Oh, fuck you!
Copy !req
865. Just because you're on the business
world and shit you think, what,
Copy !req
866. everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?
Copy !req
867. Okay. All right, tami, come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.
Copy !req
868. We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry quiks.
Copy !req
869. You know what?
I gave birth once, bitch.
Copy !req
870. I could kick your fucking ass.
Copy !req
871. And you better never show your
face around Quincy, you hear me?
Copy !req
872. - Okay, come on.
- Ever!
Copy !req
873. I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?
Copy !req
874. What a cunt.
Copy !req
875. I hate that word!
Copy !req
876. - What?
- That word.
Copy !req
877. It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword
Copy !req
878. slashing everything in its path.
Copy !req
879. Why would you say that?
Copy !req
880. You didn't exactly
stand up for me.
Copy !req
881. I'm trying to walk a line, here.
Copy !req
882. I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?
Copy !req
883. I think you're being a
little more fair to him.
Copy !req
884. Oh, come on.
Copy !req
885. You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.
Copy !req
886. Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.
Copy !req
887. If I had to make a guess
Copy !req
888. I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse
Copy !req
889. to get out of work
to go to Ted's.
Copy !req
890. Now, am I right?
Copy !req
891. I made you out to be a hero.
Copy !req
892. You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out
Copy !req
893. so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.
Copy !req
894. You're not giving
anything a chance
Copy !req
895. if you keep blowing off work to
get high with your Teddy bear.
Copy !req
896. You're right.
Copy !req
897. I've been getting stoned too much.
I know that.
Copy !req
898. I've been bumming around with Ted too much.
I know that, too.
Copy !req
899. You give me one more chance,
I promise I can fix it.
Copy !req
900. John, I need a man. Not a
little boy with a Teddy bear.
Copy !req
901. I know, done. Man. Right here,
in front of you, all right?
Copy !req
902. Look at these pecs.
These are man pecs.
Copy !req
903. Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.
Copy !req
904. I just farted.
That was a man fart.
Copy !req
905. Fine, John, but this is, I swear
to god, your last chance.
Copy !req
906. Trust me. I love you.
Copy !req
907. All right, I love you.
Copy !req
908. I love you so much. You
won't be sorry, I swear.
Copy !req
909. Did you really just fart?
Copy !req
910. Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.
Copy !req
911. I wonder who it's
going to hit first.
Copy !req
912. So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times
Copy !req
913. these numbers do not add up.
Copy !req
914. Who did this to us?
Copy !req
915. God damn it!
I'm here on business!
Copy !req
916. All right, here we go.
Copy !req
917. I'm really glad that you came.
Copy !req
918. - Me, too.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
919. Is it okay if I
kick your boss's ass?
Copy !req
920. That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?
Copy !req
921. Please play nice.
Copy !req
922. For you, I will.
Copy !req
923. - Thank you.
- Anything.
Copy !req
924. There she is. I was worried
you weren't coming.
Copy !req
925. Hey, squirt, how you doing?
Where's your bunny rabbit?
Copy !req
926. He's a bear.
Copy !req
927. Got it. Oh, my god! This
house is fucking huge!
Copy !req
928. I know. Try not to get lost.
Come on in.
Copy !req
929. Here are the ladies.
Copy !req
930. Look at you guys.
You guys look amazing.
Copy !req
931. A little heavy on the eye
makeup, but pretty good.
Copy !req
932. - Thank you, Rex.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
933. You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?
Copy !req
934. John.
Copy !req
935. - You guys remember John.
- Hi.
Copy !req
936. Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?
Copy !req
937. Sure.
Copy !req
938. Great, we'll be right back.
Come on, buddy.
Copy !req
939. It's an old sweater?
Copy !req
940. This is Wade boggs'
autographed bat.
Copy !req
941. I just barely outbid Phil
donahue for that at auction.
Copy !req
942. Cool.
Copy !req
943. Yeah, cool.
Copy !req
944. These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.
Copy !req
945. This is art. Get it?
Copy !req
946. These were
John Lennon's glasses.
Copy !req
947. They're worth,
like, a million dollars.
Copy !req
948. That's me and tom skerritt.
Copy !req
949. Check this out.
Copy !req
950. It's Lance Armstrong's nut.
Copy !req
951. I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.
Copy !req
952. Every now and then
when my life's
Copy !req
953. getting me down
and things are tough,
Copy !req
954. I just come up here
and I look at it.
Copy !req
955. And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.
Copy !req
956. Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Copy !req
957. Sometimes you don't.
Copy !req
958. So, talk to me, Johnny quest. How
are things with you and Lori?
Copy !req
959. Things are great, actually.
Copy !req
960. That's great. That is great.
Copy !req
961. You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,
Copy !req
962. but she told me how
you are at the office.
Copy !req
963. And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say
Copy !req
964. I really hope you fucking
get Lou gehrig's disease.
Copy !req
965. I think I need to clear
the air here a little.
Copy !req
966. Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.
Copy !req
967. But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.
Copy !req
968. I'm a kook.
Copy !req
969. I have no designs
on your girlfriend.
Copy !req
970. We work together, and that's it.
Copy !req
971. I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.
Copy !req
972. Well, that's good to hear.
Copy !req
973. Yeah.
Copy !req
974. Excuse me.
Copy !req
975. Hey, Ted.
Copy !req
976. Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.
Copy !req
977. Why, what's going on?
Copy !req
978. Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing
Copy !req
979. with some people
at my apartment.
Copy !req
980. And, John, Sam Jones is here.
Copy !req
981. What?
Copy !req
982. Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.
Copy !req
983. Holy shit! What?
Copy !req
984. You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?
Copy !req
985. My buddy's in town
with his cousin,
Copy !req
986. and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.
Copy !req
987. Sam Jones is here, and, John,
Copy !req
988. his hair is
parted down the middle.
Copy !req
989. Just like in the movie.
Copy !req
990. Yes. Get over here right now.
Copy !req
991. Fuck, I can't!
Copy !req
992. I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.
Copy !req
993. I can't.
Copy !req
994. John, flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.
Copy !req
995. He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.
Copy !req
996. And that the word
"acting" apparently
Copy !req
997. has an extremely
broad definition.
Copy !req
998. Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.
Copy !req
999. Come share this with me.
Copy !req
1000. I'm coming.
Copy !req
1001. Rex, I got to go.
Copy !req
1002. I'll be back in 30 minutes
tops, okay?
Copy !req
1003. But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.
Copy !req
1004. If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.
Copy !req
1005. I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.
Copy !req
1006. All right, this is
one man to another.
Copy !req
1007. I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.
Copy !req
1008. This is serious.
Copy !req
1009. Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.
Copy !req
1010. Thank you. I'll be back.
Copy !req
1011. I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.
Copy !req
1012. Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.
Copy !req
1013. Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's flash Gordon?
Copy !req
1014. Okay, get ready.
Copy !req
1015. Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.
Copy !req
1016. Flash!
Copy !req
1017. Savior of the universe!
Copy !req
1018. Flash!
Copy !req
1019. He'll save every one of us!
Copy !req
1020. Just a man with a man's courage
Copy !req
1021. he knows nothing but a man
Copy !req
1022. but he can never fail
Copy !req
1023. no one but the pure in heart
can find the golden grail
Copy !req
1024. how you doing?
Good to meet you.
Copy !req
1025. I thank you for
saving every one of us.
Copy !req
1026. Well, you're welcome.
Copy !req
1027. He acknowledged it.
Copy !req
1028. Let's do some shots.
Copy !req
1029. With you?
Copy !req
1030. Ch, my god, yes!
Ch, my god, yes!
Copy !req
1031. Let's go!
Copy !req
1032. Thanks, flash.
Copy !req
1033. There you go, my friend.
Thank you.
Copy !req
1034. Death to ming!
Copy !req
1035. Yes!
Copy !req
1036. You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.
Copy !req
1037. You like to party?
Copy !req
1038. Cocaine, right?
Copy !req
1039. Come on, dudes. Don't tell
me you never done it before.
Copy !req
1040. Not recently, no.
Copy !req
1041. I thought that was just
for people in Florida.
Copy !req
1042. You better follow me.
Copy !req
1043. Come on.
Copy !req
1044. Johnny, I'm frightened.
Copy !req
1045. We are going to
party like the '80s.
Copy !req
1046. Show us how, flash.
Copy !req
1047. It's easy.
Copy !req
1048. We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.
Copy !req
1049. God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.
Copy !req
1050. We better start
doing stupid shit.
Copy !req
1051. Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to
Copy !req
1052. get serious about
opening a restaurant
Copy !req
1053. we got to start planning it now.
Copy !req
1054. - Italian.
- Italian, yes.
Copy !req
1055. - What's the special on Tuesdays?
- Eggplant parm.
Copy !req
1056. Chopped salad, half price.
Copy !req
1057. And it's
a non-restricted place.
Copy !req
1058. - Yeah. What do you mean?
- Anybody can come.
Copy !req
1059. - Of course.
- Jews are welcome.
Copy !req
1060. Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?
Copy !req
1061. Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
Copy !req
1062. Why even bring that up?
Copy !req
1063. You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.
Copy !req
1064. - Why mention it?
- No one will.
Copy !req
1065. Why are we talking about it?
Copy !req
1066. You're talking about it. I'm
just saying, let them in.
Copy !req
1067. Let them in. Right. Okay.
Exactly. Good.
Copy !req
1068. No Mexicans, though.
Copy !req
1069. This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.
Copy !req
1070. Trust me, I can do this.
Shut up.
Copy !req
1071. Let him try it, man.
Copy !req
1072. All right, fuck it.
Copy !req
1073. Go, go, go!
Copy !req
1074. You son of a bitch!
Copy !req
1075. Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.
Copy !req
1076. Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.
Copy !req
1077. Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.
Copy !req
1078. Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.
Copy !req
1079. You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.
Copy !req
1080. A-e-I-o-u
Copy !req
1081. see? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.
Copy !req
1082. You were right.
Copy !req
1083. If you can punch through this wall,
you really are flash Gordon.
Copy !req
1084. Are you going to do it?
Copy !req
1085. I'm going to punch through it.
Copy !req
1086. - Come on, Sam, do it!
- Do it!
Copy !req
1087. Oh, my god!
Copy !req
1088. Yes! He did it!
Copy !req
1089. What the hell you problem?
Copy !req
1090. You break my wall!
I break you wall!
Copy !req
1091. Break his arm off!
Copy !req
1092. We're going to die.
We're all going to die.
Copy !req
1093. Break this up, break this up.
Copy !req
1094. Get him!
Copy !req
1095. You break my wall!
This my home long time.
Copy !req
1096. You break my wall,
you bastard men.
Copy !req
1097. We're sorry,
it was an accident, okay?
Copy !req
1098. I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.
Copy !req
1099. Chill out. Can we just talk about this?
What's your name? I'm John.
Copy !req
1100. My name is wan ming.
Copy !req
1101. Ming?
Copy !req
1102. You pay many dollar for wall!
Copy !req
1103. This bullshit!
This all bullshit!
Copy !req
1104. Death to ming!
Copy !req
1105. Rape!
Copy !req
1106. Sam, let him go.
Copy !req
1107. You crazy! You crazy, man!
Copy !req
1108. Come on, James Franco.
Copy !req
1109. You pay for wall!
Copy !req
1110. Move, sucker!
Copy !req
1111. Greatest night ever!
Copy !req
1112. Hey.
Copy !req
1113. Hey, guy.
Copy !req
1114. What's going on?
Copy !req
1115. This is Jared. He's the
guy who beat me up.
Copy !req
1116. And we're in love.
Copy !req
1117. Turns out I'm gay, or whatever.
Copy !req
1118. I had no idea.
Copy !req
1119. Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.
Copy !req
1120. How we doing, Ace?
Copy !req
1121. You coming down?
Copy !req
1122. Yeah, I don't feel so good.
Copy !req
1123. Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, ponyboy.
Copy !req
1124. You want a Xanax?
Copy !req
1125. Holy shit. Oh, my god.
Copy !req
1126. What?
Copy !req
1127. I got to go.
Copy !req
1128. Lori, I...
Copy !req
1129. Lori!
Copy !req
1130. Lori, wait, please.
Copy !req
1131. Look, I'm sorry, I messed up...
Copy !req
1132. John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.
Copy !req
1133. Can I... just give
me the car keys.
Copy !req
1134. Can I please just explain? No.
Copy !req
1135. Look, I was...
Copy !req
1136. I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.
Copy !req
1137. I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then flash Gordon...
Copy !req
1138. Just give me the car keys.
Copy !req
1139. Lori.
Copy !req
1140. Lori, please, I love you.
Copy !req
1141. Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.
Copy !req
1142. That guy from your office
is in there on the couch
Copy !req
1143. making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.
Copy !req
1144. You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.
Copy !req
1145. What?
Copy !req
1146. Do you know what just happened?
Copy !req
1147. Do you have any clue?
My fucking life just ended!
Copy !req
1148. Come on. She'll go home,
Copy !req
1149. she'll watch Bridget
Jones-something-asshole.
Copy !req
1150. She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.
Copy !req
1151. Come on upstairs. Are you
even listening to me?
Copy !req
1152. Do you give any shred of a shit?
Copy !req
1153. Of course I do, Johnny.
Copy !req
1154. "Thunder buddies
for life," remember?
Copy !req
1155. Jesus! Lori was right.
Copy !req
1156. I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.
Copy !req
1157. I'm never going to have
a life with you around.
Copy !req
1158. I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.
Copy !req
1159. All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a Teddy-fucking-bear.
Copy !req
1160. Because of that, I just
lost the love of my life.
Copy !req
1161. Johnny, I'm...
Copy !req
1162. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1163. I gotta be on my own, Ted.
I can't see you anymore.
Copy !req
1164. John, wait. Listen.
Copy !req
1165. I love you!
Copy !req
1166. So, word through the
grapevine is that you're
Copy !req
1167. newly solo.
Copy !req
1168. Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.
Copy !req
1169. I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the hatch shell tonight
Copy !req
1170. and I would love it
if you would go with me.
Copy !req
1171. You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?
Copy !req
1172. Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.
Copy !req
1173. Please.
Copy !req
1174. This is the first time
that you've been single
Copy !req
1175. in all the years
you've worked here.
Copy !req
1176. Just go out with me one time.
Copy !req
1177. And if you're miserable
and you hate it
Copy !req
1178. then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.
Copy !req
1179. Please.
Copy !req
1180. Rex, I don't think it's smart.
Copy !req
1181. I'm an asshole, I know that.
Copy !req
1182. It worked for me in high school,
Copy !req
1183. and it's been
a reflex ever since.
Copy !req
1184. Lori, the worst that can happen
Copy !req
1185. is that you go on
a fun, casual date
Copy !req
1186. with a guy who
just wants a chance
Copy !req
1187. to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.
Copy !req
1188. Plus, you are a huge catch.
Copy !req
1189. And it's about time someone
treated you that way.
Copy !req
1190. Fuck it. Fine.
Copy !req
1191. Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.
Copy !req
1192. And if that means
getting you off my back,
Copy !req
1193. well, that's just a bonus.
Copy !req
1194. I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Copy !req
1195. Johnny. It's me.
Copy !req
1196. Go away.
Copy !req
1197. Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.
Copy !req
1198. Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?
Copy !req
1199. Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?
Copy !req
1200. But just listen to me
for five seconds.
Copy !req
1201. I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.
Copy !req
1202. What?
Copy !req
1203. I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her
Copy !req
1204. and maybe take some
of the heat off you.
Copy !req
1205. And there he was,
picking her up.
Copy !req
1206. They were going
to the hatch shell.
Copy !req
1207. You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?
Copy !req
1208. How stupid do you think I am?
Copy !req
1209. If you think that by
making shit like that up
Copy !req
1210. you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you
Copy !req
1211. over her you're out
of your fucking mind.
Copy !req
1212. Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.
Copy !req
1213. You know what? Get out of here.
Copy !req
1214. You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?
Copy !req
1215. What? I'm acting like a cock?
Copy !req
1216. Yes, you are.
Copy !req
1217. So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.
Copy !req
1218. Meat hole? What?
Copy !req
1219. That's not right, is it? No.
Copy !req
1220. "Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?
Copy !req
1221. No, it can't be that either.
Copy !req
1222. Because, "how can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"
Copy !req
1223. Right? Pink Floyd.
Copy !req
1224. Look, the point is,
you're blaming me
Copy !req
1225. for something that
you did to yourself.
Copy !req
1226. Lori was right about you.
Copy !req
1227. You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.
Copy !req
1228. Oh, and you can?
Copy !req
1229. I don't have to.
I'm a fucking Teddy bear.
Copy !req
1230. You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.
Copy !req
1231. I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.
Copy !req
1232. You can't stand there
and tell me
Copy !req
1233. that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.
Copy !req
1234. It works out
so much better for you
Copy !req
1235. when you and I are
getting fucked up
Copy !req
1236. on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?
Copy !req
1237. Listen to yourself.
Copy !req
1238. What am I? Emperor ming,
here, controlling your mind?
Copy !req
1239. That's your choice, John.
Copy !req
1240. And by blaming me,
you, you're just
Copy !req
1241. making yourself
look like a pussy.
Copy !req
1242. Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning
Copy !req
1243. when I was eight years old.
Copy !req
1244. I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy ruxpin.
Copy !req
1245. Say that one more time.
Copy !req
1246. Teddy rux-fucking-pin!
Copy !req
1247. Shit!
Copy !req
1248. Fuck, man!
Copy !req
1249. Fuck! Cocksucker!
Copy !req
1250. Fucking stop! Fuck!
Copy !req
1251. Why are you crying?
Copy !req
1252. My dick is squished by the TV.
Copy !req
1253. I'm so sorry, Johnny.
Copy !req
1254. So am I, man.
Copy !req
1255. I love you.
Copy !req
1256. I love you, too.
Copy !req
1257. Listen.
Copy !req
1258. You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.
Copy !req
1259. There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.
Copy !req
1260. No, John. We can get her back.
Copy !req
1261. Look,
Copy !req
1262. you remember when you were 10,
Copy !req
1263. and you hit that squirrel
with your bb gun?
Copy !req
1264. And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,
Copy !req
1265. we both started crying,
you remember?
Copy !req
1266. And then we ran up to it
Copy !req
1267. and we tried to give it cpr,
and it came back to life.
Copy !req
1268. John, we could do that again.
Copy !req
1269. Ted,
Copy !req
1270. we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it cpr.
Copy !req
1271. It died.
Copy !req
1272. Come on. We're going
to the hatch shell.
Copy !req
1273. Yeah!
Copy !req
1274. Thanks. We're going to take a short
break, but we'll be back in a few.
Copy !req
1275. Play chopsticks, you jazzy slut.
Copy !req
1276. Teddy!
Copy !req
1277. How are you?
Copy !req
1278. How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?
Copy !req
1279. Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick
Copy !req
1280. who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.
Copy !req
1281. Half-Indian, but thanks.
Copy !req
1282. Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.
Copy !req
1283. Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?
Copy !req
1284. John Bennett, Norah Jones.
Copy !req
1285. Hi, Norah Jones.
Copy !req
1286. Hey, there, sweaty.
Copy !req
1287. You ready to
bring down the house?
Copy !req
1288. Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, miss...
Copy !req
1289. Ma'am Jones. Thank you.
Copy !req
1290. Jesus, you look fantastic.
Copy !req
1291. Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.
Copy !req
1292. Yeah, I know, right?
Copy !req
1293. Me and Norah met in 2002 at a
party at belinda Carlisle's house
Copy !req
1294. and we had awkward
fuzzy sex in the coatroom.
Copy !req
1295. Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.
Copy !req
1296. You know, I have written so many
angry letters to hasbro about that.
Copy !req
1297. Thank you.
Copy !req
1298. Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest
Copy !req
1299. and bring a friend up
to the stage.
Copy !req
1300. He's going to sing a
song to a special lady
Copy !req
1301. in the audience
who he loves very much.
Copy !req
1302. Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.
Copy !req
1303. Oh, my god.
Copy !req
1304. Holy shit!
Copy !req
1305. I gotta fuck her again.
Copy !req
1306. Hi, my name is John Bennett,
Copy !req
1307. and this is for Lori Collins.
Copy !req
1308. Because I love you.
Copy !req
1309. This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.
Copy !req
1310. The night we met.
Copy !req
1311. This is the theme song
from the movie octopussy.
Copy !req
1312. All I wanted was a sweet
distraction for an hour or two
Copy !req
1313. had no intention to do
Copy !req
1314. still better than Katy Perry.
Copy !req
1315. Funny how it
always goes with love
Copy !req
1316. when you don't look, you find
Copy !req
1317. but then we're two of a kind
Copy !req
1318. we move as one
Copy !req
1319. we're an all time high
Copy !req
1320. you suck, get off the stage!
Copy !req
1321. Come on.
Give him a chance.
Copy !req
1322. Doing so much more
Copy !req
1323. you're an asshole!
Copy !req
1324. Than falling...
Copy !req
1325. Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
1326. Someone call an ambulance!
Copy !req
1327. That was insane.
Copy !req
1328. Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?
Copy !req
1329. He was like a ragdoll.
Copy !req
1330. Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.
Copy !req
1331. Do you want to go
get a drink after this?
Copy !req
1332. I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.
Copy !req
1333. No, I think I'd
rather just have you take me home.
Copy !req
1334. One drink. Come on.
Copy !req
1335. No, not really feeling up to it.
Copy !req
1336. All right, I get it.
Copy !req
1337. And, you know,
I don't blame you.
Copy !req
1338. I mean, when you think about it,
Copy !req
1339. it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.
Copy !req
1340. Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.
Copy !req
1341. Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.
Copy !req
1342. You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.
Copy !req
1343. Where are you going?
Copy !req
1344. Taking a cab. I'm going home.
Copy !req
1345. Finally.
Copy !req
1346. Down here.
Copy !req
1347. Not looking up your towel.
Swear to god.
Copy !req
1348. Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.
Copy !req
1349. Ted, what are you doing here?
Copy !req
1350. I need to talk to you.
Copy !req
1351. Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...
Copy !req
1352. Look, just let me
talk first, all right?
Copy !req
1353. And then you can
say whatever you want.
Copy !req
1354. Look, John loves you very much,
Copy !req
1355. more than anything in the world,
Copy !req
1356. and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.
Copy !req
1357. He knows he screwed up huge
Copy !req
1358. but you've got to believe me
it wasn't all his fault.
Copy !req
1359. I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "no."
Copy !req
1360. He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.
Copy !req
1361. So, if you just give him
one more chance
Copy !req
1362. I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.
Copy !req
1363. All right? He'll be all yours.
Copy !req
1364. Ted, that's a really nice offer,
Copy !req
1365. but I don't want you to do that.
Copy !req
1366. This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.
Copy !req
1367. Yeah, because of me!
Copy !req
1368. Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.
Copy !req
1369. But as long as
he's got his Teddy bear,
Copy !req
1370. he's always going to be a boy.
Copy !req
1371. He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.
Copy !req
1372. So, if you go down there
and just talk to him
Copy !req
1373. I'll be gone when you get back.
Copy !req
1374. Forever.
Copy !req
1375. And, you'll see,
Copy !req
1376. he'll never be
scared of thunder again.
Copy !req
1377. "Michelob ultra
tuscan orange grapefruit."
Copy !req
1378. My god, America is imploding.
Copy !req
1379. Hi, Ted.
Copy !req
1380. Fuck!
Copy !req
1381. Lori, what...
Copy !req
1382. Hey.
Copy !req
1383. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1384. You can thank Ted.
Copy !req
1385. Should I sit?
Copy !req
1386. Yeah, if you want.
Copy !req
1387. Okay.
Copy !req
1388. So, work's good?
Everything good, there?
Copy !req
1389. Yeah. Yeah, work's good.
Copy !req
1390. I guess we can't make
small talk all day?
Copy !req
1391. If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.
Copy !req
1392. I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,
Copy !req
1393. it was a huge misunderstanding,
Copy !req
1394. and I'm ready to change,
Copy !req
1395. but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.
Copy !req
1396. I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.
Copy !req
1397. Why would you?
Copy !req
1398. I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.
Copy !req
1399. I don't deserve you.
Copy !req
1400. I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,
Copy !req
1401. I do love you more
than life itself.
Copy !req
1402. All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.
Copy !req
1403. I owe that to you.
Copy !req
1404. I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.
Copy !req
1405. And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.
Copy !req
1406. Thank you for being so honest.
Copy !req
1407. That's pretty much it.
Copy !req
1408. Thanks for coming by.
Copy !req
1409. Yeah, as you can see
Copy !req
1410. you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.
Copy !req
1411. Welcome home.
Copy !req
1412. Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.
Copy !req
1413. I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.
Copy !req
1414. Is he all mine, daddy?
Copy !req
1415. Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.
Copy !req
1416. Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.
Copy !req
1417. It's almost Robert's play hour.
Copy !req
1418. Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a ps3.
Copy !req
1419. I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.
Copy !req
1420. Yeah.
Copy !req
1421. No. Yeah. No.
Copy !req
1422. Yeah.
Copy !req
1423. Yeah, see, there's the guy.
Copy !req
1424. Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.
Copy !req
1425. You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?
Copy !req
1426. That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...
Copy !req
1427. Language!
Copy !req
1428. Sorry. Sorry.
Copy !req
1429. You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,
Copy !req
1430. I saw you on television.
Copy !req
1431. And I thought you were
the most amazing,
Copy !req
1432. most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.
Copy !req
1433. And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little Teddy bear, too.
Copy !req
1434. And he said, "no."
Copy !req
1435. Can you just email me
the rest of this story?
Copy !req
1436. And I was so heartbroken.
Copy !req
1437. And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,
Copy !req
1438. I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.
Copy !req
1439. Even
Copy !req
1440. maybe "no" to a snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.
Copy !req
1441. Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, daddy.
Copy !req
1442. Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.
Copy !req
1443. Happy playtime.
Copy !req
1444. Jesus fucking Christ!
Copy !req
1445. I said a bad word one time.
Copy !req
1446. Daddy punished me for it.
Copy !req
1447. That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.
Copy !req
1448. Daddy gave me an ouch.
Copy !req
1449. Now, I have to give you an ouch.
Copy !req
1450. All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.
Copy !req
1451. What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?
Copy !req
1452. It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.
Copy !req
1453. Yeah, I want to play a game.
Copy !req
1454. Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...
Copy !req
1455. How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?
Copy !req
1456. I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.
Copy !req
1457. Now, hang on a sec, there.
Copy !req
1458. Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, tubby mcfat-fuck?
Copy !req
1459. Okay. You hide first.
Copy !req
1460. Great. Fantastic.
Copy !req
1461. Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?
Copy !req
1462. Okay.
Copy !req
1463. Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?
Copy !req
1464. No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.
Copy !req
1465. One, two,
Copy !req
1466. three, four, five,
Copy !req
1467. six, seven...
Copy !req
1468. No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.
Copy !req
1469. Eight, nine, ten,
Copy !req
1470. eleven, twelve, thirteen...
Copy !req
1471. Hey.
Copy !req
1472. Hey.
Copy !req
1473. You walking home alone?
Copy !req
1474. Yeah.
Copy !req
1475. Do you need a lift?
Copy !req
1476. Oh, I'm okay.
Copy !req
1477. If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.
Copy !req
1478. Listen, John.
Copy !req
1479. There's something that I
need to say to you, too.
Copy !req
1480. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1481. John, I hope thal"
Copy !req
1482. listen, I don't want
you to think that...
Copy !req
1483. Sorry.
Copy !req
1484. I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...
Copy !req
1485. Go ahead.
Copy !req
1486. Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.
Copy !req
1487. John, it's me. Can you hear me?
Copy !req
1488. Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.
Copy !req
1489. No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.
Copy !req
1490. What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?
Copy !req
1491. They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,
Copy !req
1492. and that kid who I
think is his son,
Copy !req
1493. but may also be his lover,
I don't know.
Copy !req
1494. Slow down. Where are you?
Copy !req
1495. I'm not sure, it's...
Copy !req
1496. Hello? Hello, John?
Copy !req
1497. Hello?
Copy !req
1498. You're not a very
polite guest, are you?
Copy !req
1499. Shit!
Copy !req
1500. Ted, hello? Ted?
Copy !req
1501. What's the matter? Is he okay?
Copy !req
1502. - I don't know.
- Where is he?
Copy !req
1503. I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.
Copy !req
1504. Can you call him back?
Copy !req
1505. No, it's blocked.
Copy !req
1506. Wait a second.
Copy !req
1507. Go. Take Columbus to herald
and get on the expressway.
Copy !req
1508. Hello, 911?
Copy !req
1509. I need the police right away.
Copy !req
1510. This guy took my Teddy bear.
Copy !req
1511. Hello?
Copy !req
1512. Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!
Copy !req
1513. I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.
Copy !req
1514. I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!
Copy !req
1515. I am a citizen of
the United States of America
Copy !req
1516. and I have rights!
Copy !req
1517. Robert, seatbelt.
Copy !req
1518. It should be
right here, somewhere.
Copy !req
1519. Johnny!
Copy !req
1520. Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!
Copy !req
1521. Stay with them.
Copy !req
1522. Hang gm
Copy !req
1523. back off, Susan boyle!
Copy !req
1524. Oh, my god! He's going to jump!
Get closer.
Copy !req
1525. - All right, easy.
- Come on, Ted.
Copy !req
1526. - Shit!
- Yes!
Copy !req
1527. Hey, Johnny!
Total t.J. Hooker, right?
Copy !req
1528. Yes! Fucking-a right!
Copy !req
1529. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1530. Go! Go! Go!
Copy !req
1531. Daddy!
Copy !req
1532. Let's see how well
you know these streets.
Copy !req
1533. Where is he?
Copy !req
1534. Jesus!
Copy !req
1535. There he is. Pull over.
Copy !req
1536. Where?
Copy !req
1537. No!
Copy !req
1538. You can't have my Teddy bear!
Copy !req
1539. Holy shit.
Copy !req
1540. Sorry.
Copy !req
1541. Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.
Copy !req
1542. Come on.
Copy !req
1543. Ted?
Copy !req
1544. Oh, my god!
Copy !req
1545. Shit!
Copy !req
1546. Jesus.
Copy !req
1547. Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!
Copy !req
1548. You're mine, Ted!
Copy !req
1549. Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.
Copy !req
1550. But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,
Copy !req
1551. and dancing.
Copy !req
1552. I think we're very
far apart on this.
Copy !req
1553. Ted!
Copy !req
1554. Oh, my god!
Copy !req
1555. Ted!
Copy !req
1556. John.
Copy !req
1557. Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.
Copy !req
1558. Johnny.
Copy !req
1559. You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?
Copy !req
1560. You're going to be fine.
Copy !req
1561. Jesus, I look like
the robot from aliens.
Copy !req
1562. No, look at me, buddy.
Copy !req
1563. I promise,
you're going to be okay.
Copy !req
1564. I don't think so. I'm...
Copy !req
1565. I'm in trouble.
Copy !req
1566. I need.
Copy !req
1567. I need to tell you something.
Copy !req
1568. What is it?
Copy !req
1569. don't ever lose her again.
Copy !req
1570. She's the most important...
Copy !req
1571. The most important
part of your life.
Copy !req
1572. Even more than me.
Copy !req
1573. She's your thunder buddy now.
Copy !req
1574. She's...
Copy !req
1575. I got it.
Copy !req
1576. Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.
Copy !req
1577. Please, just try.
Copy !req
1578. Come on, buddy.
Copy !req
1579. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1580. You did everything you could.
Copy !req
1581. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1582. Ted!
Copy !req
1583. I'm alive, Johnny!
Copy !req
1584. Oh, my god!
Copy !req
1585. I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!
Copy !req
1586. You're back!
Copy !req
1587. Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up
Copy !req
1588. you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places
Copy !req
1589. so I'm a little fucked up.
Copy !req
1590. But will you take care of me
forever and ever?
Copy !req
1591. I'm just kidding you.
I thought it would be funny
Copy !req
1592. if you thought
I was fucking retarded.
Copy !req
1593. You asshole!
Copy !req
1594. Come here, you bastard.
Copy !req
1595. Welcome back, Ted.
Copy !req
1596. It was you.
Copy !req
1597. You did it.
Copy !req
1598. Son of a bitch!
Copy !req
1599. You wished for my life back.
Copy !req
1600. No. No.
Copy !req
1601. I wished for my life back.
Copy !req
1602. I love you.
Copy !req
1603. I love you, too.
Copy !req
1604. And I want you to know that,
after last night
Copy !req
1605. I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.
Copy !req
1606. I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.
Copy !req
1607. Lori,
Copy !req
1608. will you marry me?
Copy !req
1609. All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.
Copy !req
1610. And so John, Lori and
Ted lived happily ever after.
Copy !req
1611. Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.
Copy !req
1612. John and Lori were
married in Cambridge
Copy !req
1613. by a very special
justice of the peace.
Copy !req
1614. By the power vested in me
Copy !req
1615. by the New York jets
Copy !req
1616. and by the united peoples
of the planet mongo,
Copy !req
1617. I now pronounce
you man and wife.
Copy !req
1618. You may kiss the bride, Johnny.
Copy !req
1619. Hi. Tom skerritt.
Copy !req
1620. Tom skerritt!
Copy !req
1621. Thanks so much for coming.
Copy !req
1622. My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1623. I am so fake-happy for her.
Copy !req
1624. You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.
Copy !req
1625. What's that?
Copy !req
1626. Flash jump.
Copy !req
1627. Right.
Copy !req
1628. One, two, three!
Copy !req
1629. Yeah!
Copy !req
1630. And that's the story
of how one magical wish
Copy !req
1631. forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.
Copy !req
1632. Ted and tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.
Copy !req
1633. One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter
Copy !req
1634. eating potato salad off of
tami-Lynn's bare bottom.
Copy !req
1635. He was instantly
promoted to store manager.
Copy !req
1636. Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood
Copy !req
1637. with the goal of
restarting his film career.
Copy !req
1638. He currently resides in Burbank
Copy !req
1639. where he shares
a studio apartment
Copy !req
1640. with his roommate,
Brandon routh.
Copy !req
1641. Remember Brandon routh from
that god-awful superman movie?
Copy !req
1642. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
1643. Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.
Copy !req
1644. Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.
Copy !req
1645. Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression
Copy !req
1646. and died of
Lou gehrig's disease.
Copy !req
1647. Donny was arrested
by Boston police
Copy !req
1648. and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.
Copy !req
1649. The charges were dropped
when everyone realized
Copy !req
1650. how completely stupid
that sounded.
Copy !req
1651. Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight
Copy !req
1652. and went on to become
Copy !req
1653. Taylor lautner.
Copy !req