1. We are often told
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2. that happily-ever-afters exist
only in the pages of fairy tales
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3. and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.
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4. And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,
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5. a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,
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6. proving two things.
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7. Happy endings can
come true for anyone.
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8. And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.
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9. Do you,
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
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10. take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
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11. I do.
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12. And do you, Ted,
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13. take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
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14. Fuckin' A right, I do!
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15. Then, by the power
vested in me,
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16. I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
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17. You may kiss the bear.
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18. Thank you, folks.
We're going to take a short break
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19. and pass things over
to DJ Nightshade.
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20. Ladies and
gentlemen, your newlyweds!
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21. Teddy, this is
the best day of my life!
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22. I just love you so much.
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23. I love you, too, baby.
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24. I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.
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25. Let's go get shit-faced!
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26. Okay!
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27. Thank you.
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28. Hey, congrats,
you mofos.
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29. Oh, hey, Guy.
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30. Beautiful ceremony.
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31. Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.
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32. Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.
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33. How you doing?
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34. Good, good.
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35. He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.
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36. Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.
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37. Oh, you guys
are getting married?
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38. No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.
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39. Ha! Fuck you.
Fuck you.
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40. Deal.
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41. No! No!
I said no Electric Slide.
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42. God damn it, you will not
wreck this night
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43. with your forced
white people group fun.
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44. Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?
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45. You look a little down.
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46. Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?
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47. Oh!
That's nice.
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48. Oh, my God.
She's fucking begging for it!
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49. She's totally begging.
Get it. Get in there.
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50. Look at her.
She wants it bad!
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51. Oh, yeah.
She wants more
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52. than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
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53. That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.
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54. You know what's fucked up?
Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!
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55. Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!
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56. You know what, Johnny?
It's entirely possible it's his daughter.
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57. That's how it works
out there.
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58. I'm fine.
I was thinking about Lori.
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59. Oh, Johnny,
come on, man.
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60. It's been six months since
you guys got divorced.
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61. I know, I know.
it's just that...
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62. Being back in
that church again.
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63. I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.
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64. Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy
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65. to marry the wrong girl.
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66. Hey, listen.
Don't let her drag you
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67. down tonight, okay?
This is a party.
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68. I'm sorry, buddy.
I don't mean to mess up your big day.
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69. What, you kidding?
You're not the one messing it up.
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70. Check out Tami-Lyon's
asshole brother
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71. in the wheelchair.
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72. If you don't dance with
me, you're a monster.
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73. Watch it,
you fucking tool!
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74. Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?
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75. You guys wanna celebrate with
a little something else, hmm?
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76. Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me
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77. if I did drugs
on our wedding day.
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78. Ah, she won't notice.
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79. I just did a line with a
dude in the men's room
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80. and I bet you
can't even spot him.
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81. Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
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82. Hey, hey. What do you say we do the thing, huh?
That'll cheer you up.
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83. Fuck, let's do it.
There he is!
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84. Attention, everyone.
May I have your attention, please.
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85. Johnny and I have prepared something
very special for you, here.
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86. Let's have it, fellas!
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87. When you hear
the sound of thunder
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88. Don't you get too scared
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89. Just grab your thunder buddy
and say these magic words
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90. Ho! Fuck you, thunder!
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91. You can suck my dick
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92. You can't get me thunder
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93. 'Cause you're just
God's farts
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94. Yeah!
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95. I'm steppin' out
with my honey
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96. Can't be bad to feel so good
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97. Never felt quite so sunny
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98. So I keep on knockin' wood
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99. Yeah, steppin' out
with my baby
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100. Can't go wrong
'cause I'm in right
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101. Ask me when will the day be
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102. The big day may be tonight
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103. This is the best
day of my life!
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104. I'm starving.
What the hell are you doing over there?
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105. I'm curing cancer.
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106. I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?
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107. What do I think
you're doing?
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108. I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.
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109. Look at this, look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.
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110. What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?
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111. I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?
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112. What do you mean?
You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.
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113. Yeah? So are you!
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114. Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going
out and buying designer shit!
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115. Oh,no, no,
no,no, no!
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116. You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.
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117. You should fucking talk!
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118. I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.
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119. Well, I have to
interrupt you or else
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120. I never get to
fucking say anything!
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121. Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
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122. You're always
cutting me off!
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123. Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
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124. It's important to
look good at work.
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125. I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!
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126. Nobody's in there
to look at your ass!
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127. You're acting like an asshole!
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128. Oh, what am I
acting like, Tami?
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129. You're acting like
a fucking asshole!
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130. Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!
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131. You don't got to dress like Elizabeth
Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!
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132. I am the face
of the business! Okay?
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133. The face of the business?
So get the fuck off my case!
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134. Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!
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135. I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.
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136. Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!
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137. He treated
me good!
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138. And he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!
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139. Oh, newsflashl Boston whore
has seen Italian penis.
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140. What the fuck did you
just call me, fucker?
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141. What did you
fucking say?
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142. Jesus!
Vvhatthefuck?
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143. You wanna call me
a whore?
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144. You wanna throw shit?
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145. Yeah, I wanna
fucking throw shit!
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146. I'll fucking throw shit!
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147. Oh. Wow. There, see!
How do you like that?
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148. I'm scared, Teddy!
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149. I'm really fucking scared of
you, you little fucking bear!
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150. Shut the fuck up!
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151. Oh, for Christ's sake!
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152. Hey, you shut the fuck up!
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153. Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?
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154. Yeah, why don't you
come up here
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155. and make me come
down there, tough guy?
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156. I am gonna come up there and I'm
gonna kick your fucking ass!
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157. Yeah, why don't you
try it, asshole?
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158. Get your ass up here
and kick my ass!
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159. Shut the fuck up,
you stupid bitch!
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160. Hey, shut up,
lady!
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161. Run the fuck back
to Russia, you whore!
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162. Get the fuck
out of here!
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163. People are
trying to sleep!
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164. God damn it!
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165. Shut the fuck up!
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166. Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, me, too.
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167. She's worse than us.
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168. Yeah, she's
our enemy now.
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169. Have you guys at least
tried marriage therapy?
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170. Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.
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171. $250 and we didn't
learn a goddamn thing.
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172. $25O? Dude,
that's ridiculous!
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173. I mean, doesn't your insurance
cover that or something?
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174. Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up
for Obamacare on the Internet,
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175. but I came back
five minutes later,
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176. she was looking
at black cooks.
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177. It seems like every
time you go online,
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178. you're two clicks away
from black cocks.
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179. Look.
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180. See, I'll Google
"Grand Canyon."
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181. Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"
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182. I don't know, man.
I got to do something
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183. or my marriage is
gonna collapse.
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184. Here you go,
guys.
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185. We're gonna be
closing in a few,
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186. but I'm going to
this after-hours thing
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187. at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.
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188. Oh, thanks, Allison.
But I got an early day tomorrow.
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189. Oh, okay.
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190. Well, if you change your
mind, here's the address.
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191. I put my cell number
on there, too.
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192. Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
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193. What?
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194. What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?
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195. Jesus, Johnny, she totally
wants to sleep with you.
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196. I'm not into it.
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197. John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half
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198. about every chick that
throws herself at you.
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199. You got to get back
in the game, man!
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200. No, don't start
this shit, all right?
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201. Look, I wasted
six years of my life
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202. with the wrong girl
and I got burned.
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203. I'm not gonna make that
same mistake again.
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204. Jesus, Johnny, you don't
got to marry Allison.
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205. You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.
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206. What?
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207. It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.
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208. Yeah, I got
to take a leak.
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209. Sorry, Allison. I tried.
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210. it's okay.
I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute.
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211. Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's
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212. with just a splash
of Grey Goose?
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213. Wish I could help you,
but we're closing.
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214. Oh, come on.
I've been coming here since the '90s!
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215. Sorry, buddy.
No can do.
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216. Come on, one drink and I
promise I won't tell anybody
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217. that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.
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218. Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
Get off of me!
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219. Sorry, my mistake.
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220. There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.
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221. Hey.
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222. Hello.
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223. I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.
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224. Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.
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225. That's right.
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226. I've been led to understand that
Trix are exclusively for children.
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227. Is that correct?
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228. I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix
are for kids" in the commercials.
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229. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
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230. And is that
enforced by law?
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231. Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
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232. So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?
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233. No. No, you...
You should be fine.
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234. You do understand that I
myself am not a child?
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235. Uh, I was able to
sniff that out, yeah.
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236. Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.
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237. Uh,yeah, yeah.
You'll___ You'll be okay.
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238. And, uh,
I won't be followed?
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239. Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.
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240. Hey.
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241. I won't forget what you've
done for me here today.
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242. I would prefer that you do.
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243. Jesus Christ.
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244. You two still not talking?
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245. No.
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246. Honest to God, Joy, I don't
know how to fix this.
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247. I mean, how the hell do you take
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248. a broken marriage
and make it work again?
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249. Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.
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250. A baby?
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251. Uh-huh. Look at that.
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252. You see them two
white niggas over there?
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253. Yeah. What?
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254. Look at them.
They're so happy.
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255. Because they got that little
baby keeping them together.
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256. If they didn't have that baby,
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257. they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas
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258. waiting for
Downtown Abbey to come on.
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259. Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?
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260. I'm telling you, Ted,
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261. y'all better have a baby or
your marriage is over. Trust.
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262. Uh, hey.
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263. Go away, Teddy.
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264. Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?
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265. Will you just listen
to me for one second?
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266. Why? So you can give me
shit about my clothes?
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267. No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?
I'm sorry.
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268. I was an asshole
and I didn't mean it.
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269. You know, whatever, Teddy.
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270. Tami, listen.
I love you.
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271. Okay? And...
And I don'twant us
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272. to fight like we've been
doing the past few months.
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273. I don't know, Teddy.
Something's got to change, you know?
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274. Because I can't do this no more.
it's too much.
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275. I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...
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276. I wanna have a baby.
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277. You do?
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278. Yeah.
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279. A baby? Like really?
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280. Yeah.
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281. See, I think,
if we got a kid to love,
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282. it'll teach us how to
love each other again.
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283. Oh, my God, Teddy.
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284. You better not be
messing with me.
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285. I swear to God,
not messing with you.
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286. I think you'd make
an awesome mom.
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287. Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
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288. I would, like, kick so much
ass at mommin'!
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289. So what do you say?
We all good?
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290. Yes! Oh, I love you!
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291. I love you so much!
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292. Oh, baby, I love you, too!
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293. Let's make a baby!
Let's make a baby!
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294. Let me know
when you're ready to go
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295. and I'll stick a bottle
of Newman's Own in you.
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296. All the
profits go to charity.
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297. You had sexual intercourse
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298. on a pile of raw
hamburger meat
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299. that we're supposed to
sell to the public
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300. for their Fourth of July
barbecues.
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301. I fucked her
with a pack of Freedent.
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302. Then I put it back on the shelf
and a senior citizen bought it.
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303. That took guts.
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304. We need guts.
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305. I'm naming the store
after you.
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306. Okay, you ready? Oh, shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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307. Here it comes.
Okay, okay. I'm ready.
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308. Let's all go to court
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309. Let's go make some law now
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310. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
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311. Some law now
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312. I say we go to court!
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313. Yes, let's go to court!
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314. We're a bunch of
assholes who take up
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315. a whole hallway
with our conversation.
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316. Hey, you lawyer guys
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317. You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you
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318. While we're high
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319. That was fucking magic.
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320. That felt smooth.
That felt really smooth. Oh!
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321. So in the pocket.
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322. Hey, so, uh, listen,
I got, uh...
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323. I got some big news
to tell ya.
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324. Oh, yeah? What's that?
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325. Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!
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326. Holy Shit! YOU?
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327. Yeah, yeah,
we talked about it today.
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328. Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!
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329. Thank you!
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330. Wait, wait, wait. How...
How... How do you guys...
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331. Well, yeah, that's the thing. We...
We, uh... We got to find a sperm donor.
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332. And, um, I'm wondering,
what do you think
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333. Sam Jones would say
if I asked him?
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334. You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?
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335. Yeah, I mean,
do you think...
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336. Would that be weird?
Would he be freaked out if I...
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337. No, I think
he'd be flattered!
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338. And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!
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339. Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.
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340. Yeah, I say do it!
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341. All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,
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342. and see if I can
stop by tonight.
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343. You come with me?
Sure.
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344. All right, great.
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345. Shit.
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346. I can never get a signal in your apartment.
Hey, can I use your laptop?
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347. Yeah, go ahead.
Okay, thanks.
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348. What the fuck?
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349. Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?
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350. What's going on?
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351. There's so much porn!
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352. Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?
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353. What are you talking about, "private snit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!
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354. There are literally
thousands of files here!
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355. Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.
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356. Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!
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357. Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!
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358. Yeah, well, sometimes you like
seeing the tongue go the other way!
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359. You sick bastard! Look at this!
Chicks with dicks?
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360. Oh, my God! I have a
disease, all right? I need help!
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361. There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!
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362. Oh, this is such a relief!
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363. I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
I wanted to be caught!
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364. Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call, all right?
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365. You got to get back out
there and meet somebody
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366. because you are spiraling
out of control here.
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367. All right, fine, I will.
Just stop looking at that shit, please!
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368. Johnny, I mean it. All right?
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369. The next chick you meet, you
are getting back in the game.
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370. Fine, I got it. Done.
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371. All right.
Now, let's get rid of this.
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372. What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!
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373. No,no, no.
That shit can always be recovered.
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374. We got to smash your
laptop with a hammer.
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375. All right, there, you happy?
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376. No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.
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377. We got to bury it
in the harbor.
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378. Okay. We'll come back
once every three months,
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379. take a dive and check on it.
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380. So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.
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381. So what do
ya say?
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382. You'd really be
helping me and Tami out.
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383. No can do, my brother.
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384. Well...
Well, why not?
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385. Oh, look, I did a lot
of blow in the '80s
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386. and my sperm count's
a little low.
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387. Oh. How low?
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388. One.
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389. One?
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390. Yeah, little fella's having his
own I Am Legend in my nut sack.
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391. Oh. Can we have that one?
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392. No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.
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393. Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here?
I got to go.
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394. That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.
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395. Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!
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396. That was really
selfish of him.
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397. I know. And after
I watched his
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398. piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.
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399. God damn it!
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400. Ah!
Oh, Shit!
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401. Johnny, please, just
help me do this. Okay?
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402. He's the only guy in
the world whose sperm
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403. is even close to
Flash Gordon's_
Copy !req
404. Ted, it's insane.
We could get in a lot of trouble.
Copy !req
405. But not if nobody
finds out.
Copy !req
406. Look, look, John, John.
Copy !req
407. We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep
Copy !req
408. and sneak out with the sperm.
it'll be easy!
Copy !req
409. And think how awesome
the baby will be.
Copy !req
410. Would be
a sweet-ass fucking baby.
Copy !req
411. All right, I'll help you.
But we got to have a game plan.
Copy !req
412. Just calm down.
Copy !req
413. Yeah, can I help you?
Copy !req
414. Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?
Copy !req
415. Yeah.
Copy !req
416. Um, hey. Um...
Copy !req
417. Your neighbors called,
Copy !req
418. and your air conditioner's
making aloud noise
Copy !req
419. so I'm supposed to
check out the unit.
Copy !req
420. Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.
Copy !req
421. Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case
Copy !req
422. I got to get some parts,
for the billing.
Copy !req
423. You could just, uh, write that
to John and Ted. Put number 12.
Copy !req
424. And you're not a cheater.
I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
Copy !req
425. It's around back.
All right. Yeah.
Copy !req
426. Stupid idiot.
Copy !req
427. Okay. Go, go, go!
Copy !req
428. Take the damn raincoat off.
it's making too much noise.
Copy !req
429. Piss off! I don't wanna get
anyjizz on me!
Copy !req
430. Two League IVIVPs,
four Super Bowl rings,
Copy !req
431. guaranteed first
ballot Hall of Famer.
Copy !req
432. Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.
Copy !req
433. All right. Go ahead.
Copy !req
434. Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.
Copy !req
435. What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.
Copy !req
436. Yeah, but it's got
to be a human hand.
Copy !req
437. It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.
Copy !req
438. No, it doesn't_
It's just friction.
Copy !req
439. Look, I've never done this before.
Neither have I.
Copy !req
440. You do it to yourself.
Yeah, but that's different.
Copy !req
441. You're an adult with a poster of
this guy in your fucking room.
Copy !req
442. You're telling me
you don't want this?
Copy !req
443. Yeah, I want it!
You know I want it, but I'm nervous.
Copy !req
444. What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it?
He deserves the best!
Copy !req
445. Pull yourself together,
for God's sakes_
Copy !req
446. He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!
Copy !req
447. Au right.
Copy !req
448. Sweet God and baby Jesus.
Copy !req
449. And that's at rest.
Copy !req
450. what the hell?
Copy !req
451. Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.
Copy !req
452. What are you doing here?
Who are you?
Copy !req
453. Get out of my house!
Copy !req
454. Oh, God!
Ahhh!
Copy !req
455. Wait, Mr. Brady!
Copy !req
456. Take your goddamn
teddy bear with you!
Copy !req
457. Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!
Copy !req
458. Come on,
let's get out of here!
Copy !req
459. Shit!
Copy !req
460. What the hell do we do now?
Copy !req
461. Hey, Ted, let me
ask you something.
Copy !req
462. What's that?
Copy !req
463. Why didn't you
just come to me?
Copy !req
464. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
465. For the sperm.
Copy !req
466. Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man?
You were the first person I wanted to go to.
Copy !req
467. But you've just
been so bummed out
Copy !req
468. over your divorce lately
Copy !req
469. that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.
Copy !req
470. And plus,
after seeing your laptop,
Copy !req
471. I didn't think
you had any left.
Copy !req
472. Just so you know, I'm
totally willing to do it.
Copy !req
473. Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?
Copy !req
474. Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.
Copy !req
475. Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...
Copy !req
476. You're ready to be a parent.
Copy !req
477. God...
Copy !req
478. I don't know what to say.
Copy !req
479. Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!
Copy !req
480. Hey, thunder buddies
for life, remember?
Copy !req
481. Thunder buddies for life.
Copy !req
482. Come on. We got to get out of
here before the cops show up.
Copy !req
483. All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive.
Area units, please respond.
Copy !req
484. What's a 3-17?
Copy !req
485. Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.
Copy !req
486. Really?
Copy !req
487. Welcome to Boston, kid.
Copy !req
488. What is that?
What?
Copy !req
489. What are you doing?
I'm getting ready, dude.
Copy !req
490. What do you mean
you're getting ready?
Copy !req
491. What are you doing
to your hand?
Copy !req
492. I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.
Copy !req
493. You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?
Copy !req
494. I'm trying
to get it half hard,
Copy !req
495. so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.
Copy !req
496. Sitting out here in public,
jerking off?
Copy !req
497. Where do you think you are?
Red Lobster? What are you doing?
Copy !req
498. What do you think
I got to do in there?
Copy !req
499. Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't
Copy !req
500. smoked pot for two
whole days, right?
Copy !req
501. Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.
Copy !req
502. I'm sorry, I just
don't want something
Copy !req
503. I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.
Copy !req
504. "John Bennett."
Copy !req
505. Hi.
Copy !req
506. Right this way. I'll show you
where to deposit your specimen.
Copy !req
507. Hey, Johnny. Johnny.
Copy !req
508. I'm John Bennett.
Copy !req
509. I know,
I just said your name.
Copy !req
510. Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
Copy !req
511. I've been out of
the game for a while.
Copy !req
512. The game?
Copy !req
513. I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.
Copy !req
514. I $66.
Copy !req
515. Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?
Copy !req
516. Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.
Copy !req
517. I have a boyfriend.
Copy !req
518. Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad.
You're missing out on a great guy.
Copy !req
519. Um, do I just spit in
my hand or do I get
Copy !req
520. a lube or something?
A magazine?
Copy !req
521. Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.
Copy !req
522. There's lube
right there.
Copy !req
523. All right,
yeah, thanks.
Copy !req
524. Uh, excuse me.
Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom?
Copy !req
525. Down that hallway,
to the left.
Copy !req
526. Okay, thanks.
Copy !req
527. Oh. No way!
Copy !req
528. Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you
guys store all the, uh, stuff?
Copy !req
529. It's the intermediary station
before insemination.
Copy !req
530. Are you submitting?
Copy !req
531. No. My friend is, uh, yanking
outa sample in one of the rooms.
Copy !req
532. Oh, well, that's a good friend.
Yeah.
Copy !req
533. I'm Dr. Danzer.
Copy !req
534. Oh, cool.
Copy !req
535. Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer
Copy !req
536. Yeah, whatever,
I don't know.
Copy !req
537. Now, wait. You look familiar.
Are you that teddy bear who came alive?
Copy !req
538. I am. That's me, yeah.
Copy !req
539. See, I was trying
to figure out
Copy !req
540. where I'd seen you
before and that's it.
Copy !req
541. Good eye, good eye.
Copy !req
542. So, how did you get into this line of work?
Do you just love cum?
Copy !req
543. Uh, uh...
Copy !req
544. Not especially, but I love
helping good people
Copy !req
545. fulfill their dreams
of having children.
Copy !req
546. It's amazing
what we can do here.
Copy !req
547. You want to have a look?
Copy !req
548. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
549. This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.
Copy !req
550. We can eliminate
hereditary diseases,
Copy !req
551. such as cystic fibrosis, muscular
dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.
Copy !req
552. The list goes on
and on, really.
Copy !req
553. Wow.
Copy !req
554. Hey, Johnny! You did it!
Copy !req
555. Right here, buddy.
Copy !req
556. Ew. I mean, awesome!
Copy !req
557. Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.
Copy !req
558. She said it's an emergency.
Copy !req
559. Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Copy !req
560. You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?
Copy !req
561. I can see it from here,
thanks, yeah_
Copy !req
562. Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.
Copy !req
563. No,no, no!
Come on!
Copy !req
564. You got to take a closer look.
That's close enough, Johnny!
Copy !req
565. He's beautiful. Come on!
I'll trade you. Catch.
Copy !req
566. Oh, shit!
Oh, God!
Copy !req
567. Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!
Copy !req
568. Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!
You were supposed to catch it!
Copy !req
569. We got to find something
to scoop it up.
Copy !req
570. There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.
Copy !req
571. Shit. All right.
Copy !req
572. No, no,
that's not gonna work.
Copy !req
573. You need two of them.
You got to scoop one into the other.
Copy !req
574. Oh, Shit! Fuck!
Copy !req
575. Oh!
Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
576. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
577. Fuck! Fuck!
Copy !req
578. Oh, my God! it's in my eyes!
Copy !req
579. I'm blinking it in!
Copy !req
580. You got to fucking help me!
Copy !req
581. Oh, my God!
it's in my fucking mouth!
Copy !req
582. Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.
Copy !req
583. No!
Copy !req
584. Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."
Copy !req
585. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
586. Look, I'm so sorry!
We swear to God, it was an accident.
Copy !req
587. We're so sorry.
Copy !req
588. Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.
Copy !req
589. Ah, you hear that,
Johnny?
Copy !req
590. You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.
Copy !req
591. You look like a Kardashian_
Copy !req
592. Fuck!
Copy !req
593. No, make sure you
have all the updated
Copy !req
594. information on our
Comic Con placement.
Copy !req
595. This has to be the biggest, most
impressive rollout at the convention.
Copy !req
596. Morning, Mr. Jessup.
Copy !req
597. Good morning. Now...
Copy !req
598. My name's Donny.
Copy !req
599. Hi, Donny.
Hi.
Copy !req
600. Now this is
a multi-platform release,
Copy !req
601. so I want a full
report on all...
Copy !req
602. Fresh cakes.
Copy !req
603. What?
Copy !req
604. In the urinals, sir.
Copy !req
605. I noticed you always
use urinal four,
Copy !req
606. so I put fresh cakes
in there for you.
Copy !req
607. You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.
Copy !req
608. See, most people
flip the cakes.
Copy !req
609. I replace the cakes.
Copy !req
610. That's the Donny difference.
Copy !req
611. I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.
Copy !req
612. Contact Bob Jennings
atJavHsH_
Copy !req
613. Hi, Ted.
Copy !req
614. I've missed you.
Copy !req
615. I love you!
Copy !req
616. I love you too.
Copy !req
617. I love you too!
Copy !req
618. Pretty soon,
Copy !req
619. you'll be saying that
for real.
Copy !req
620. Pretty soon,
pretty soon, pretty soon.
Copy !req
621. This is gonna work. This is gonna work.
This is gonna work.
Copy !req
622. Okay.
Copy !req
623. Okay.
Copy !req
624. Okay.
Copy !req
625. No,no,no,no, no!
No,no,no,no, no!
Copy !req
626. Oh, Shit!
Copy !req
627. Soon, my love.
Copy !req
628. Soon.
Copy !req
629. I'm afraid I have bad news.
Copy !req
630. I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.
Copy !req
631. Wait, what?
Why not?
Copy !req
632. Tami-Lynn, according to your test
results, you're no longer fertile.
Copy !req
633. What?
Copy !req
634. Wait, Doc,
are you sure about that?
Copy !req
635. I mean, maybe you should check
again or something, you know?
Copy !req
636. I'm quite sure.
Copy !req
637. Tami-Lynn, because of your
history of excessive drug use
Copy !req
638. your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.
Copy !req
639. What are you talking about?
It looks fine. Yeah.
Copy !req
640. Forgive me,
that's a normal ovary.
Copy !req
641. This is Tami-Lyon's.
Copy !req
642. Jesus!
Copy !req
643. Yeah, but I bet this
stuff happens a lot.
Copy !req
644. You probably see this kind of
stuff all the time, right?
Copy !req
645. No,notonce, noteveL
Copy !req
646. When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.
Copy !req
647. Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.
Copy !req
648. I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.
Copy !req
649. It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.
Copy !req
650. No, what does
this mean, Teddy?
Copy !req
651. Does it mean we
can't have a baby?
Copy !req
652. I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
Copy !req
653. Everything's gonna be okay.
Copy !req
654. It really isn't.
Copy !req
655. Teddy, I got a really
good feeling about this.
Copy !req
656. I know, me too.
Copy !req
657. I mean, adoption's
great, right?
Copy !req
658. Oh, yeah, I mean,
Copy !req
659. Steve Jobs was adopted.
Copy !req
660. Yeah! Yeah, and also a million
kids who did nothing.
Copy !req
661. You know, Teddy,
Copy !req
662. this has been nice, you and
me doing this together.
Copy !req
663. I mean, it's like we have a
common goal or something, right?
Copy !req
664. Yeah, I love hearing you
saythaL'causelfeel exactly the same way.
Copy !req
665. And we ain't fought
in, like, a week.
Copy !req
666. I know, we haven't! it's...
Copy !req
667. Hey, you know what?
If the baby works out, we should get a dog.
Copy !req
668. Oh, my God.
A German shepherd.
Copy !req
669. A German shepherd
and a baby, together.
Copy !req
670. It's like the perfect family.
Copy !req
671. And a gun,
to protect us all!
Copy !req
672. Yes! Okay, as soon as we get
the baby, we get the gun.
Copy !req
673. I love our
gun-dog-baby family.
Copy !req
674. Well, I have gone
through your application
Copy !req
675. and vetted your
personal histories,
Copy !req
676. and I'm afraid this
isn't gonna work out.
Copy !req
677. What?
Copy !req
678. Why not?
Copy !req
679. Well, first of all,
there's the question
Copy !req
680. of Tami-Lyon's
drug conviction.
Copy !req
681. Hey, I did
my community service.
Copy !req
682. Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.
Copy !req
683. There's another issue,
Copy !req
684. and, honestly, it's
the more serious one.
Copy !req
685. I was reluctant to
bring it up because
Copy !req
686. it's a little awkward.
Copy !req
687. Ted, in the eyes of the state,
you are not a person.
Copy !req
688. Wait, what?
Copy !req
689. The state official
I spoke to said
Copy !req
690. that technically, you are
classified as property.
Copy !req
691. I'm not a person?
Copy !req
692. Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
693. But that is so fucked up!
Copy !req
694. "Property"?
Copy !req
695. You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.
Copy !req
696. Come on.
Copy !req
697. Look.
Copy !req
698. You seem like good people.
Copy !req
699. Be careful.
Copy !req
700. What do you mean,
"Be careful"?
Copy !req
701. The state official I spoke to
Copy !req
702. made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.
Copy !req
703. Your adoption request may
have raised some red flags.
Copy !req
704. If they choose to
investigate the issue,
Copy !req
705. it may leave you
quite vulnerable.
Copy !req
706. Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.
Copy !req
707. Is that for real?
Did they actually tell you that?
Copy !req
708. Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."
Copy !req
709. They said I'm property.
Copy !req
710. What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?
Copy !req
711. What, like garbage
or a piece of shit?
Copy !req
712. I mean, maybe more like a
hammer or an orange, but yeah.
Copy !req
713. What the hell
do they know?
Copy !req
714. It's just a word.
Copy !req
715. They can't change your whole life
just by calling you property!
Copy !req
716. Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.
Copy !req
717. One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes
Copy !req
718. in the river,
titties out. You good.
Copy !req
719. Then all of a sudden,
you somewhere
Copy !req
720. across the world,
fucking Thomas Jefferson.
Copy !req
721. Wow! You make
history come alive.
Copy !req
722. Why the hell is this
just coming up now?
Copy !req
723. I mean, I've never voted.
Copy !req
724. I don't have a driver's
license, I don't pay taxes.
Copy !req
725. I mean, hell, this is
the firstjob I ever had.
Copy !req
726. Ted, can I see you
for a moment?
Copy !req
727. I'm sorry,
Copy !req
728. but I'm gonna have to let you go.
Copy !req
729. What? Why? I've been busting my
ass at this job for three years!
Copy !req
730. I just got a call from
the Labor Department.
Copy !req
731. I can't legally keep
you on as an employee
Copy !req
732. because I've been informed
that you're technically...
Copy !req
733. Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
734. I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.
Copy !req
735. "Dear Ted,
your Chase bank account
Copy !req
736. "has been terminated clue to
a lack of citizenship."
Copy !req
737. "Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."
Copy !req
738. "Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."
Copy !req
739. Fuck, that's a big one.
Copy !req
740. This poor baby bootie_
Copy !req
741. It's always gonna be empty.
There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
Copy !req
742. I don't understand.
We would have made such great parents.
Copy !req
743. UNHALES)
Copy !req
744. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
745. Oh, my God, Teddy!
Copy !req
746. What? What's wrong?
Copy !req
747. Look at this.
Copy !req
748. "Dear Ted,
Copy !req
749. "the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you
Copy !req
750. "that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status
Copy !req
751. "your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state
Copy !req
752. "and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."
Copy !req
753. Teddy, can they do this to us?
Copy !req
754. Let me see that.
Copy !req
755. This is a nightmare.
Copy !req
756. You fucking
believe that?
Copy !req
757. No. This is insane.
Copy !req
758. I mean, Tami's
the woman I love.
Copy !req
759. You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog
Copy !req
760. if I had known it was gonna cause
me this kind of shit storm.
Copy !req
761. This whole thing is
complete bullshit.
Copy !req
762. I mean, if you ask me,
we got to fight it.
Copy !req
763. What do you mean?
I mean, we get a lawyer.
Copy !req
764. Oh, my God. Can we do that?
Copy !req
765. Hell yeah!
You know what we do?
Copy !req
766. We'll get a lawyer
and we'll sue
Copy !req
767. the fucking government
for your civil rights!
Copy !req
768. Johnny, that's a great idea!
Copy !req
769. Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of
them Harrison Ford lawyers
Copy !req
770. who gets shot in the head, then turns
all retarded and nice and goes,
Copy !req
771. "What we're doing is wrong."
Copy !req
772. Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.
Copy !req
773. We take that shit all the way
up to Judge Judy if we have to.
Copy !req
774. Yeah.
Copy !req
775. But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.
Copy !req
776. Oh, we just Google "Boston lawyers.
" Ah.
Copy !req
777. Jesus. Look at
that black cock.
Copy !req
778. Uh...
Copy !req
779. This is a very complicated
case you have here.
Copy !req
780. Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.
Copy !req
781. Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.
Copy !req
782. Listen, your case is
not gonna be cheap.
Copy !req
783. What is your
financial situation?
Copy !req
784. Uh, all of our holdings are
tied up in the railroads.
Copy !req
785. Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O
Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
Copy !req
786. We're working on Short Line.
Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
Copy !req
787. And I own four houses
on Baltic Ave.
Copy !req
788. I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.
Copy !req
789. I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.
Copy !req
790. Are you guys just
saying Monopoly stuff?
Copy !req
791. Tell you what, I'm gonna
go drive around the block,
Copy !req
792. and I'll be back
with $200.
Copy !req
793. I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
Copy !req
794. My niece recently
passed her bar exam
Copy !req
795. and I've hired her on as a junior
associate here at the firm.
Copy !req
796. I could assign her to
your case, pro bono.
Copy !req
797. And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney
Copy !req
798. and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.
Copy !req
799. So what do you say to that?
Copy !req
800. Yeah, sure,
sounds great.
Copy !req
801. Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?
Copy !req
802. Uh, those aren't
supposed to be out.
Copy !req
803. Hello?
Copy !req
804. om Fuck!
Copy !req
805. Hi.
Copy !req
806. You okay?
Copy !req
807. Yeah! I'm fine.
Copy !req
808. You must be Ted.
Copy !req
809. Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,
Copy !req
810. this is my buddy, John.
Hi.
Copy !req
811. Um, my uncle says that you
guys are my first clients.
Copy !req
812. Uh, it's been discussed,
Copy !req
813. but do you mind if
I ask how old you are?
Copy !req
814. I'm 26.
Copy !req
815. Ah.
Copy !req
816. What, is there a problem?
Copy !req
817. Well, you know, I just don't
want my lawyer singing
Copy !req
818. Frozen songs during
the opening arguments.
Copy !req
819. It's just this is
a really important case.
Copy !req
820. Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.
Copy !req
821. I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.
Copy !req
822. Right. You see, the thing is, we
don't want to take any chances
Copy !req
823. because the stakes
are so significant.
Copy !req
824. We can't just
rush into anything.
Copy !req
825. We got to make sure we're
making the right decision.
Copy !req
826. We really
appreciate your time,
Copy !req
827. but I think what
we're probably gonna do is
Copy !req
828. just take a seat
and get to work.
Copy !req
829. Trust you completely.
Copy !req
830. Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.
Copy !req
831. Sorry.
Copy !req
832. You don't mind the pot,
do you?
Copy !req
833. I get migraines.
Copy !req
834. Oh, absolutely, me, too.
That's fine.
Copy !req
835. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the
parking lot in about 20 minutes.
Copy !req
836. Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.
Copy !req
837. Ted. How are ya?
Copy !req
838. Good to meet you. John.
Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
839. Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?
Copy !req
840. Leslie.
Copy !req
841. Oh, my God! So you're Sam I.
Jackson!
Copy !req
842. That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!
Copy !req
843. Who is that?
Copy !req
844. You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.
Copy !req
845. That weed is really good.
Copy !req
846. It reminds me of
the strain I smoked
Copy !req
847. last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."
Copy !req
848. Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called
Copy !req
849. "How Long Has
That Van Been There?"
Copy !req
850. No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home_"
Copy !req
851. You know, I'm surprised a
lawyer like you gets high.
Copy !req
852. I mean, aren't you
supposed to be fighting
Copy !req
853. the War on Drugs
and all that shit?
Copy !req
854. Please, the War on Drugs is a joke.
Copy !req
855. It's just a way
for the government
Copy !req
856. to inflate law
enforcement budgets
Copy !req
857. and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.
Copy !req
858. And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.
Copy !req
859. Yeah. No shit.
Copy !req
860. They've denied you the same
rights as everybody else
Copy !req
861. just because
you're different,
Copy !req
862. and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.
Copy !req
863. So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?
Copy !req
864. I'm gonna try.
Copy !req
865. Hey, guys?
Copy !req
866. I'm having
some trouble over here.
Copy !req
867. What's the matter?
Copy !req
868. Can you help me get home?
Copy !req
869. I'm having a really
hard time here, guys.
Copy !req
870. Johnny, it's okay,
buddy. It's okay.
Copy !req
871. You're doing fine.
You're doing great.
Copy !req
872. No, I'm scared. All right.
Copy !req
873. I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.
Copy !req
874. You just have to
hang onto the wall.
Copy !req
875. Don't let the goose get me!
Copy !req
876. How far away
does he live?
Copy !req
877. Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.
Copy !req
878. Fuck, okay.
Copy !req
879. Hey, it's okay.
One foot in front of the other.
Copy !req
880. All right, I got Dred Scott v.
Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson
Copy !req
881. and Brown v.
the Board of Education.
Copy !req
882. I got Kramer vs- Kramer, Alien vs-
Predator, and Freddy vs- Jason-
Copy !req
883. I got, uh, Ernest Goes to
Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail
Copy !req
884. and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.
Copy !req
885. Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions.
Are you ready?
Copy !req
886. Yep, bring it on.
Copy !req
887. You're on the stand,
the DA says,
Copy !req
888. "Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"
Copy !req
889. Objection!
Sustained!
Copy !req
890. No, the witness can't object.
Copy !req
891. Overruledl
Sidebar?
Copy !req
892. Guilty!
Speculation!
Copy !req
893. Hearsay! Briefcase!
Bailiff I Disregard!
Copy !req
894. In my chambers!
Stop beavering the witness!
Copy !req
895. I rest.
We could totally be lawyers.
Copy !req
896. Bang.
Copy !req
897. Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.
Copy !req
898. Your name is Toby!
Copy !req
899. You're going to learn
to say your name.
Copy !req
900. Let me hear you say it.
Copy !req
901. What's your name?
Copy !req
902. Kunta_ Kunta Kinte_
Copy !req
903. That's just like me.
That's exactly what I'm going through.
Copy !req
904. Well, it's
a little different.
Copy !req
905. You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.
Copy !req
906. Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.
Copy !req
907. Okay, what is it?
Copy !req
908. Last name
of a movie character.
Copy !req
909. Ah!
Copy !req
910. He knows where
this is going. Okay.
Copy !req
911. All right, you ready?
Yep.
Copy !req
912. Go! Skywalker, Solo, Vader,
Kenobi, Palpatine,
Copy !req
913. Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo,
Griswold, Stifler, Bickle, Gump,
Copy !req
914. Corleone, Wonka, Zhivago,
Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler,
Copy !req
915. Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko,
Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle,
Copy !req
916. Poppins, Bond, Blofeld,
Blutarsky, Lightyear, Soze,
Copy !req
917. O'Hara, Butler, Dufresne,
Clouseau, McFly,
Copy !req
918. Baggins, Plissken, Ventura,
Montoya, Burgundy,
Copy !req
919. Scissorhands, Drebin,
Striker, Bueller, Lector,
Copy !req
920. Potter, Weasley, Dumbledore,
Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne,
Copy !req
921. Von Trapp, Zoolander,
Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Copy !req
922. Clubber Lang.
Fucking...
Copy !req
923. Who is Clubber Lang?
Copy !req
924. Who's Clubber Lang?
Copy !req
925. Mr. T's character
in Rocky III. Hello?
Copy !req
926. Is that the boxing movies?
Copy !req
927. The boxing...
Copy !req
928. You've never seen Rocky?
She's not serious.
Copy !req
929. You've never seen Rocky?
Copy !req
930. You know...
Copy !req
931. You know, Rocky!
Copy !req
932. I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen
Copy !req
933. just because you're singing
a song I don't know.
Copy !req
934. You don't know Samuel I.
Jackson, you don't know Rocky.
Copy !req
935. You are literally
pop culture illiterate.
Copy !req
936. I have a college degree.
Copy !req
937. My pop culture references are
Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray.
Copy !req
938. Ever heard of any of them? No, but I'm pretty sure Mr.
T could kick their ass!
Copy !req
939. Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.
Copy !req
940. Oh, really? Um, can either of you
tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?
Copy !req
941. Judy Blume?
Hitler?
Copy !req
942. F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Copy !req
943. Who's that?
The author.
Copy !req
944. Why are you saying, "Fuck him"?
What?
Copy !req
945. You just said "Eff
Scott Fitzgerald."
Copy !req
946. What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
Yeah.
Copy !req
947. No, that's his first name.
Copy !req
948. His name's "Fuck
Scott Fitzgerald"?
Copy !req
949. What? No. Well, then,
whats the "F" stand for?
Copy !req
950. Francis.
Copy !req
951. No. It's got to be "Fuck_"
It must be "Fuck_"
Copy !req
952. It's got to be "Fuck_"
It has to be "Fuck_"
Copy !req
953. Why the hell
would it be "Fuck"?
Copy !req
954. Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?
Copy !req
955. Yeah, he's hiding
something. It's "Fuck."
Copy !req
956. Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
it's "Fuck_"
Copy !req
957. That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.
Copy !req
958. Yeah, well, whatever.
Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.
Copy !req
959. Yes!
Copy !req
960. Sir?
Copy !req
961. Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.
Copy !req
962. I'm busy.
Copy !req
963. Fresh cakes!
Copy !req
964. What is it, Danny?
Copy !req
965. Uh, Donny, sir.
Copy !req
966. Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy
with the Comic Con presentation...
Copy !req
967. I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro
Copy !req
968. for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?
Copy !req
969. Yeah, I suppose
that's true.
Copy !req
970. All right, come in.
Copy !req
971. Okay.
Copy !req
972. Thank you. Thank you.
I love your dress.
Copy !req
973. I love these things!
Copy !req
974. Look at this!
Copy !req
975. Oh!
Copy !req
976. Don't touch my pony.
Sorry.
Copy !req
977. Mr. Jessup,
Copy !req
978. I can make this company
a billion dollars.
Copy !req
979. I'm listening.
Copy !req
980. Thirty years ago,
Copy !req
981. a little boy named
John Bennett made a wish
Copy !req
982. that his teddy bear
would come to life.
Copy !req
983. Somehow, one of
our Hasbro bears...
Copy !req
984. Yes, I'm aware
of the story.
Copy !req
985. Have you seen this?
Copy !req
986. So what?
Copy !req
987. Well, Ted is suing
for his civil rights.
Copy !req
988. If he loses, the state
will officially declare him
Copy !req
989. a non-entity with
no rights under the law.
Copy !req
990. That means
he becomes property.
Copy !req
991. Mr. Jessup,
Copy !req
992. we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree of legal consequence
Copy !req
993. if we were even caught.
Copy !req
994. And why would
we do this?
Copy !req
995. Sir, if we could cut him open
to see what makes him tick,
Copy !req
996. we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.
Copy !req
997. Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.
Copy !req
998. Go on.
Copy !req
999. We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.
Copy !req
1000. You use every back channel,
every bribe,
Copy !req
1001. you call in every favor
Copy !req
1002. and you get the best lawyer
in the world on the defense.
Copy !req
1003. When Ted's rights
are officially null,
Copy !req
1004. we grab him.
Copy !req
1005. No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.
Copy !req
1006. You're a hell of a lot smarter
than your urinal cakes, Danny.
Copy !req
1007. Really?
Copy !req
1008. Now, what exactly
do you want from this?
Copy !req
1009. Mr. Jessup, I'm not
interested in money.
Copy !req
1010. I just want a Ted
for my very own.
Copy !req
1011. All right.
I think I can handle the defense.
Copy !req
1012. But let's make
one thing clear.
Copy !req
1013. We never had
this conversation.
Copy !req
1014. Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.
Copy !req
1015. Do you understand?
Copy !req
1016. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
1017. I need Shep Wild.
Copy !req
1018. That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.
Copy !req
1019. I've never had Pringles
on my steak before.
Copy !req
1020. Oh, it's my pleasure.
Copy !req
1021. It's the least I can do with all
you're doing for us. Really.
Copy !req
1022. Oh, I haven't done
anything yet.
Copy !req
1023. Well, you know, we wanted
to take you out to dinner,
Copy !req
1024. but, uh, all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.
Copy !req
1025. Things are getting
really tight, huh?
Copy !req
1026. Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.
Copy !req
1027. BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!
Copy !req
1028. Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!
Copy !req
1029. Get your BJs here.
Copy !req
1030. Wow.
Copy !req
1031. Hey, listen,
I got an idea.
Copy !req
1032. Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes
Copy !req
1033. and give Sam and Diane
here some alone time, eh?
Copy !req
1034. All right, all right.
Copy !req
1035. Hey, you go pull
a bad back, bitch!
Copy !req
1036. What do you think
that was about?
Copy !req
1037. Oh, it's nothing. That's his way
of saying I should ask you out.
Copy !req
1038. Ah.
Copy !req
1039. Uh, yeah, look...
Copy !req
1040. We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.
Copy !req
1041. I completely agree.
Copy !req
1042. You know, I am a little bit curious.
How is it that a guy like you is unattached?
Copy !req
1043. Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.
Copy !req
1044. Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.
Copy !req
1045. No. I mean, we'd make
it work day to day,
Copy !req
1046. but she was always
just trying to change me
Copy !req
1047. into someone I'm not.
Copy !req
1048. And I tried, you know?
Copy !req
1049. I really tried everything I could
to be the man that she wanted.
Copy !req
1050. One day I woke up and I just
realized I wasn't myself anymore.
Copy !req
1051. You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.
Copy !req
1052. At least you
figured it out early.
Copy !req
1053. Some people go through
their whole lives
Copy !req
1054. trying to make it work
with the wrong person.
Copy !req
1055. Yeah.
Copy !req
1056. So, we're gonna
win this thing?
Copy !req
1057. Honestly, I don't know.
Copy !req
1058. Oh, we're betting on you.
Copy !req
1059. Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.
Copy !req
1060. Hey, Sam,
you want in on this?
Copy !req
1061. What is it?
Copy !req
1062. On Tuesday nights, we get fucked
up and throw apples atjoggers
Copy !req
1063. Oh, there's one!
Copy !req
1064. How's your workout?
Fuck you!
Copy !req
1065. Eat my pussy!
Have some apples!
Copy !req
1066. Jesus, what the hell
is your problem?
Copy !req
1067. It's everybody
else's fault, Mary Decker!
Copy !req
1068. Bam!
Copy !req
1069. You sons of bitches!
What the fuck is your...
Copy !req
1070. That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!
Copy !req
1071. That's what you get
for fucking exercising!
Copy !req
1072. That is unbelievable!
Copy !req
1073. Teddy.
Copy !req
1074. Teddy, I'm scared.
Copy !req
1075. Baby, we're gonna be fine.
Copy !req
1076. I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.
Copy !req
1077. I love you so much.
Copy !req
1078. And I swear to God,
if we lose,
Copy !req
1079. I'm gonna
fucking cut thatjudge_
Copy !req
1080. Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
Copy !req
1081. Yeah.
Copy !req
1082. But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?
Copy !req
1083. Oh!
Copy !req
1084. Hey, Sam.
Copy !req
1085. Who's that buttnut
over there?
Copy !req
1086. That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.
Copy !req
1087. It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.
Copy !req
1088. He's never lost
a casein his life.
Copy !req
1089. Mr. Wild, your opening
statement, if you please.
Copy !req
1090. Thank you, Your Honor.
Copy !req
1091. I would first like to thank the
ladies and gentlemen of the jury
Copy !req
1092. for taking time out
of their busy schedules
Copy !req
1093. to be a part of
these proceedings.
Copy !req
1094. Now, the case we'll be examining
today is really quite a simple one.
Copy !req
1095. Is Ted a human being?
Copy !req
1096. Or a piece of property?
Copy !req
1097. You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.
Copy !req
1098. It's a gift from God bestowed
upon only one species.
Copy !req
1099. Us.
Copy !req
1100. But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,
Copy !req
1101. where does that lead us?
Copy !req
1102. Does your dog
deserve human rights?
Copy !req
1103. Your cat?
Copy !req
1104. Your toaster?
Copy !req
1105. Suddenly, being human doesn't
seem so special anymore, does it?
Copy !req
1106. I'm confident you'll
make the right decision.
Copy !req
1107. Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.
Copy !req
1108. Ms. Jackson?
Copy !req
1109. Hi.
Copy !req
1110. I am Samantha Jackson.
Copy !req
1111. I got to be honest
with you. I'm. __
Copy !req
1112. I'm a little nervous.
Copy !req
1113. Why am I nervous? Um...
Copy !req
1114. Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing ner first case.
Copy !req
1115. And not because
some of you might laugh
Copy !req
1116. at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.
Copy !req
1117. No, I'm. __ I'm nervous
because of one simple word.
Copy !req
1118. "Justice_"
Copy !req
1119. I'm nervous that you're
going to be swayed
Copy !req
1120. by smooth talk
and a haircut,
Copy !req
1121. and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.
Copy !req
1122. Justice.
Copy !req
1123. A hundred
and fifty years ago
Copy !req
1124. a slave by the name of Dred Scott
Copy !req
1125. sued to prove that he was a person
and not a piece of property.
Copy !req
1126. He lost.
Copy !req
1127. And as history has shown
us, that wasn't justice_
Copy !req
1128. In every
civil rights conflict,
Copy !req
1129. we are only able to recognize
the just point of view
Copy !req
1130. years after the fact.
Copy !req
1131. And when the next
conflict comes along,
Copy !req
1132. we're once again blind
to it as it's happening.
Copy !req
1133. "Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.
Copy !req
1134. It is the same beast, just
wearing a different face,
Copy !req
1135. and it's happening
again today.
Copy !req
1136. So I urge you, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
Copy !req
1137. not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.
Copy !req
1138. Don't wait too long
to be right.
Copy !req
1139. Thank you.
Copy !req
1140. Erection.
Copy !req
1141. Sustained.
Copy !req
1142. Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.
Copy !req
1143. Is that correct?
Copy !req
1144. Yeah.
Copy !req
1145. And if I may inquire,
Copy !req
1146. why did you not choose to
have a child of your own?
Copy !req
1147. Because Teddy
ain't got no dick.
Copy !req
1148. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1149. And, uh, why does Ted not
possess a, uh, male appendage?
Copy !req
1150. Is it a freak of genetics?
Copy !req
1151. No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!
Copy !req
1152. What's your excuse?
Copy !req
1153. Whoa-ho! Take a burn!
Copy !req
1154. Yeah! How's your tongue taste
in your own ass, Poindexter?
Copy !req
1155. Yeah! How'd you...
What?
Copy !req
1156. Order!
Copy !req
1157. Mr. Bennett,
Copy !req
1158. how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?
Copy !req
1159. He's my best friend.
Copy !req
1160. So you don't see him
as your property.
Copy !req
1161. No, he's not my property.
He's a person.
Copy !req
1162. He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.
Copy !req
1163. I mean,
fucking Steven Tyler?
Copy !req
1164. What the fuck is that?
Some kind of
Copy !req
1165. weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?
Copy !req
1166. Your Honor?
I'll allow it.
Copy !req
1167. Thank you, Your Honor.
Copy !req
1168. Your witness.
Copy !req
1169. Mr. Bennett,
Copy !req
1170. when and where did
you first encounter Ted?
Copy !req
1171. Oh, what do you mean?
My parents got him for me when I was a kid.
Copy !req
1172. A-ha. They "got him."
Copy !req
1173. Where did they get him?
Copy !req
1174. Child World toy store.
Copy !req
1175. I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?
Copy !req
1176. Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.
Copy !req
1177. Tnere's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.
Copy !req
1178. Why? Nobody here likes you!
Copy !req
1179. I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!
Copy !req
1180. Your Honor?
Mr. Bennett.
Copy !req
1181. I hope your kids
get bird flu!
Copy !req
1182. Mr. Bennett!
Copy !req
1183. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1184. Now, you said your
parents purchased Ted,
Copy !req
1185. as one might purchase a
baseball glove or a Big Wheel.
Copy !req
1186. No, it's not like that!
Copy !req
1187. Objection!
Copy !req
1188. You can't do that!
Copy !req
1189. You know what?
This is bullshit!
Copy !req
1190. This court is
trying to tell me
Copy !req
1191. that I'm not as good
as other people,
Copy !req
1192. and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!
Copy !req
1193. Ted!
Copy !req
1194. Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homes.
Copy !req
1195. This is exactly
what you've been doing
Copy !req
1196. to the homos,
and I say it's wrong!
Copy !req
1197. Ms. Jackson,
please control your client
Copy !req
1198. or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!
Copy !req
1199. Oh, piss off!
Copy !req
1200. I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!
Copy !req
1201. We deserve respect!
Copy !req
1202. Ted, shut up!
Copy !req
1203. Fine.
Copy !req
1204. Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.
Copy !req
1205. Yes!
Copy !req
1206. My turn, assholes!
Copy !req
1207. Ted,
Copy !req
1208. do you love your wife?
Copy !req
1209. Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.
Copy !req
1210. I'll rephrase.
Copy !req
1211. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Copy !req
1212. I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.
Copy !req
1213. More than anything
in the world.
Copy !req
1214. We're married.
I don't care what anybody says.
Copy !req
1215. So you're saying you are
capable of feeling love.
Copy !req
1216. Yeah.
Copy !req
1217. Hey, it must be weird
for you guys,
Copy !req
1218. having a doll up here
on the stand
Copy !req
1219. with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?
Copy !req
1220. Yeah, no, yeah, no.
Copy !req
1221. Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.
Copy !req
1222. Ted, do you believe
you have a soul?
Copy !req
1223. what did you think
Copy !req
1224. I would do at this moment
Copy !req
1225. When you're standing before me
Copy !req
1226. With tears in your eyes
Copy !req
1227. That answer your question?
Copy !req
1228. Objection. Your Honor?
Copy !req
1229. Overruledl
Copy !req
1230. A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.
Copy !req
1231. Ted. Right, right.
Sorry, sorry.
Copy !req
1232. Look, I'm not
a scientist, okay?
Copy !req
1233. I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.
Copy !req
1234. All I know is I feel stuff.
Copy !req
1235. Just like all you guys.
Copy !req
1236. And I don't think I ought to
be treated any different.
Copy !req
1237. Capable of love.
Copy !req
1238. Aware of his
own consciousness.
Copy !req
1239. Seems pretty human to me.
Copy !req
1240. No further questions.
Copy !req
1241. Mr. Kidder,
Copy !req
1242. you were an employee at Hasbro from
1976 to 1998. Is that correct?
Copy !req
1243. Yes, I supervised the
stuffing of the teddy bears.
Copy !req
1244. And what is that
stuffing made of?
Copy !req
1245. A synthetic
cotton-poly blend.
Copy !req
1246. Is there anything else
in there?
Copy !req
1247. The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest
Copy !req
1248. which can be programmed to
say any one of five phrases.
Copy !req
1249. Hmm.
Copy !req
1250. Ted,
Copy !req
1251. would you please
press your chest?
Copy !req
1252. What?
Copy !req
1253. Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.
Copy !req
1254. I love you!
Copy !req
1255. No further questions.
Copy !req
1256. Also in the
news, a pending court case
Copy !req
1257. is beginning to get
national attention
Copy !req
1258. for its civil
rights ramifications.
Copy !req
1259. Ted, the bean
who some of you may remember
Copy !req
1260. came to life back in the
mid-'80s right here in Boston,
Copy !req
1261. is suing to prove
he is indeed a person.
Copy !req
1262. Okay, so what are we
even talking about here?
Copy !req
1263. What we're talking about is a civil rights issue.
This bear has rights.
Copy !req
1264. Oh, come on! He does not!
He's a toy.
Copy !req
1265. Then why are you
calling it a "he"?
Copy !req
1266. Look, we call the Statue
of Liberty "she,"
Copy !req
1267. but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.
Copy !req
1268. Oh, good point.
Copy !req
1269. Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient.
He is. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1270. Now, come on!
Copy !req
1271. Are any of you gonna
sit there and tell me
Copy !req
1272. that this stuffed
doll is a person?
Copy !req
1273. No.
Not at all.
Copy !req
1274. We all agree
all the time.
Copy !req
1275. So, of course,
the big story out of Boston
Copy !req
1276. is that Ted, the bean is suing
to prove that he's a person.
Copy !req
1277. Legal experts are closely
watching this case.
Copy !req
1278. They said if Ted wins,
Copy !req
1279. Donald Trump's hair would look to
quickly file a similar lawsuit.
Copy !req
1280. So, I think
it might be real.
Copy !req
1281. I don't think he should want
to be considered a person.
Copy !req
1282. After all, you know,
Ted spent many years
Copy !req
1283. sleeping and cuddling
with a child.
Copy !req
1284. That's cute when
you're a stuffed animal.
Copy !req
1285. When you're a person,
that's a felony.
Copy !req
1286. This sounds like
a silly case,
Copy !req
1287. but this is actually
a really big case.
Copy !req
1288. The last time
someone named Ted
Copy !req
1289. made this much news
in Massachusetts,
Copy !req
1290. he drove a chick
into a lake.
Copy !req
1291. Ted, do you have anything
to say in your own defense?
Copy !req
1292. I am not an animal!
Copy !req
1293. You see, Your Honor?
Copy !req
1294. He's not an animal.
Copy !req
1295. <GRo\/vLING)
Copy !req
1296. I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.
Copy !req
1297. And live from New York, it's
Saturday Night!
Copy !req
1298. What is taking
them so long?
Copy !req
1299. Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?
Copy !req
1300. It's not good or bad.
It just means
Copy !req
1301. that they're probably
having a debate.
Copy !req
1302. Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.
Copy !req
1303. What do you mean?
Copy !req
1304. I mean saying his
name three times.
Copy !req
1305. What?
Copy !req
1306. Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.
Copy !req
1307. Shut up!
Copy !req
1308. You fucking crazy?
We don't want
Copy !req
1309. that guy running
around in here.
Copy !req
1310. No, Johnny,
he'll be on our side.
Copy !req
1311. He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...
Copy !req
1312. You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.
Copy !req
1313. Cut the shit.
Copy !req
1314. Please be seated.
Copy !req
1315. Mr. Wilier, has the jury
reached a verdict?
Copy !req
1316. Yes, we have, Your Honor.
Copy !req
1317. Um, in the case of Ted v.
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
Copy !req
1318. we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.
Copy !req
1319. Very well.
Copy !req
1320. The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.
Copy !req
1321. The definition entails
the rights thereof
Copy !req
1322. and will be recognized
in the terms set
Copy !req
1323. by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.
Copy !req
1324. The court wishes to thank
the jury for its service.
Copy !req
1325. Are you sure
you can get him?
Copy !req
1326. Remember, you're
on your own out there.
Copy !req
1327. Hasbro can have
no connection to this.
Copy !req
1328. Oh, I'll get him.
Copy !req
1329. And when I have him, I'll call
you with the code phrase.
Copy !req
1330. Do you remember what it is?
Copy !req
1331. Yes, I remember it.
Copy !req
1332. Should we say it
just for safety?
Copy !req
1333. No, that's not necessary.
Copy !req
1334. Say it. Just say it.
Say it.
Copy !req
1335. I don't want to.
I don't have to.
Copy !req
1336. Fresh cakes.
Copy !req
1337. Fresh cakes.
Copy !req
1338. This isn't fucking fair.
Copy !req
1339. Teddy's a good man.
Copy !req
1340. Why is he being treated
differently than everybody else?
Copy !req
1341. it's what
this country does best.
Copy !req
1342. Putting different people
into little groups
Copy !req
1343. and making them
watch Tyler Perry.
Copy !req
1344. It's wrong!
Copy !req
1345. I'm so sorry, baby.
Copy !req
1346. No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.
Copy !req
1347. It's just...
Copy !req
1348. The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.
Copy !req
1349. Hey, come on.
Copy !req
1350. Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.
Copy !req
1351. I... I'm sitting here
Copy !req
1352. and I...
I can't believe it's official.
Copy !req
1353. Oh, so what are
we gonna do now?
Copy !req
1354. I mean, we can't take this lying down, right?
We got to do something.
Copy !req
1355. You know what We're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Nleighan.
Copy !req
1356. Who's that?
Copy !req
1357. He is the top civil rights
attorney in America.
Copy !req
1358. Wait. Is he the one who got that
female midget into the Marines?
Copy !req
1359. Yeah.
Copy !req
1360. Yeah, that had a sad ending
though, you remember?
Copy !req
1361. She was at
a Veterans Day parade,
Copy !req
1362. and somebody handed ner
a bunch of balloons
Copy !req
1363. and...
Gone!
Copy !req
1364. It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.
Copy !req
1365. You know what? If anyone can get
this verdict overturned, it's him.
Copy !req
1366. He's not cheap,
Copy !req
1367. but we've become such
a high profile case,
Copy !req
1368. I feel like he might
take it pro bono.
Copy !req
1369. He's a sucker for media.
Copy !req
1370. Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer, huh?
Copy !req
1371. Yeah, that's a good idea.
Copy !req
1372. Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Nleighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.
Copy !req
1373. I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted v. Massachusetts.
Copy !req
1374. Hey!
Copy !req
1375. Hi, Mr. Nleighan.
Thank you so much for taking my call.
Copy !req
1376. Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.
Copy !req
1377. Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
Copy !req
1378. Yeah, I was wondering
Copy !req
1379. if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.
Copy !req
1380. Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro bono situation
Copy !req
1381. because we're not really
working with much money.
Copy !req
1382. But I think you'll be
impressed with my client.
Copy !req
1383. Oh! Ha-ha!
Ivlotherfuckerl
Copy !req
1384. Sure.
Copy !req
1385. Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!
Copy !req
1386. Okay, Nlseeyou
then. Bye.
Copy !req
1387. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1388. He said he'll meet with
us on Friday at 9:00 a.m.
Copy !req
1389. At his office in New York.
Copy !req
1390. Is he gonna take the case?
Copy !req
1391. I don't want tojinx it,
but I think so.
Copy !req
1392. Oh, my God!
You hear that, Johnny?
Copy !req
1393. I still get a shot!
Yes!
Copy !req
1394. Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!
Copy !req
1395. Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Copy !req
1396. Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?
Copy !req
1397. Fuck yeah!
Copy !req
1398. So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?
Copy !req
1399. 9/11.
Copy !req
1400. Okay,
maybe something else.
Copy !req
1401. All right, let's start with a person.
Copy !req
1402. Robin Williams!
Copy !req
1403. Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?
Copy !req
1404. Robin Williams on 9/11.
Copy !req
1405. All right, we've heard
from these guys.
Copy !req
1406. Let's maybe give somebody
else over here a chance.
Copy !req
1407. How about a location?
Let's go with a location.
Copy !req
1408. The offices
of Charlie Hebdo.
Copy !req
1409. Okay, seriously, sir, uh,
I just need a location.
Copy !req
1410. Ferguson, Missouri.
Copy !req
1411. Germanwings cockpit.
Copy !req
1412. Okay, I heard "Starbucks"
No, you didn't.
Copy !req
1413. Nobody said "Starbucks"
Copy !req
1414. All right, Starbucks.
Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?
Copy !req
1415. Bill Cosby.
Copy !req
1416. You people are monsters.
Copy !req
1417. We're giving you
the tools, buddy.
Copy !req
1418. Come on,
make some fucking comedy.
Copy !req
1419. All right.
We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
Copy !req
1420. I love you so much, Teddy.
Copy !req
1421. You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.
Copy !req
1422. I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.
Copy !req
1423. If you wanna sit
there with a pie of meat
Copy !req
1424. Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat
Copy !req
1425. Oh, why can't you
just say please?
Copy !req
1426. Hey! Must be the money
Copy !req
1427. Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel
bag that says "Arizona State"?
Copy !req
1428. Because that's
where I went to school.
Copy !req
1429. What, you went
to Arizona State?
Copy !req
1430. Yeah, why?
Copy !req
1431. Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.
Copy !req
1432. Hello?
You're dicks.
Copy !req
1433. Arizona State. Hey, now many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?
Copy !req
1434. Oh, come on.
Copy !req
1435. Did you write
your dissertation
Copy !req
1436. on the collected
works of, uh, Red Bull?
Copy !req
1437. Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I got an A on it.
Copy !req
1438. So do you say "Arizona State
University" or do you just say "HPVU"?
Copy !req
1439. This is perfect.
We're gonna get to the city before 10:00.
Copy !req
1440. Hey, Sam,
how's your boring salad?
Copy !req
1441. Mmm, it's actually delicious.
Copy !req
1442. Everybody always says
that about their salad.
Copy !req
1443. They're all
a bunch of fucking liars.
Copy !req
1444. No, I love it.
it's really good.
Copy !req
1445. Have some Cookie Crisp.
You need something nutritional.
Copy !req
1446. Why do you think
I want your Cookie Crisp?
Copy !req
1447. Because you've been staring
at it, and you want it.
Copy !req
1448. Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?
Copy !req
1449. Teddy, come on, dude!
Copy !req
1450. No, I'm just saying.
You look like you're hitting it off, you know?
Copy !req
1451. Sam, you dig him, right?
Copy !req
1452. Hey!
Copy !req
1453. Where the hell's my coffee?
I've been waiting for 10 minutes.
Copy !req
1454. I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot.
I'll get it right away.
Copy !req
1455. Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not
building rockets. Figure it out!
Copy !req
1456. What a prick!
Copy !req
1457. Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.
Copy !req
1458. Wait, let me try.
Copy !req
1459. I used to pitch for the
softball team at Arizona State.
Copy !req
1460. Oh, yeah?
Was your mascot a broken condom?
Copy !req
1461. Shut up.
Copy !req
1462. Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
Copy !req
1463. Who did that?
Copy !req
1464. Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!
Copy !req
1465. Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.
Copy !req
1466. I swear to God, I'll kick
your goddamn ass! Who was it?
Copy !req
1467. Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.
Copy !req
1468. I'm sowwy!
Copy !req
1469. Sovvvvy, sir.
Copy !req
1470. Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
I'm sovvvvy.
Copy !req
1471. Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.
Copy !req
1472. Oh, my God.
Now we're even bigger assholes.
Copy !req
1473. Go get my Cookie
Crisp out of his ass.
Copy !req
1474. You guys making
trouble over here?
Copy !req
1475. Uh, no, ma'am_ We're just
minding our business.
Copy !req
1476. Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?
Copy !req
1477. Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
Copy !req
1478. Oh.
Copy !req
1479. Good.
Copy !req
1480. We'll just get the check.
Thanks.
Copy !req
1481. Of course.
Copy !req
1482. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1483. John, did you see that?
She was totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.
Copy !req
1484. No, she wasn't_
Copy !req
1485. She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.
Copy !req
1486. What are the fuck-me eyes?
Copy !req
1487. Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.
Copy !req
1488. Do I have fuck-me eyes?
Copy !req
1489. No, you have "Give us the
ring, my precious" eyes.
Copy !req
1490. We better get going.
Copy !req
1491. We got two hours of driving
left and I'm kind of beat.
Copy !req
1492. Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.
Copy !req
1493. I'll drive.
You can take a nap.
Copy !req
1494. You don't have a license.
Copy !req
1495. Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive
Copy !req
1496. every once in a while
when he's too hammered.
Copy !req
1497. I'm a fucking pro!
Copy !req
1498. Besides,
Copy !req
1499. I've been Kicked around
a lot this week. I just...
Copy !req
1500. I want to feel useful,
you know?
Copy !req
1501. Twenty minutes
behind the wheel.
Copy !req
1502. Yay!
Copy !req
1503. Ah! Ah!
Shit, Shit, Shit!
Copy !req
1504. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1505. Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?
Copy !req
1506. Hey, listen,
Sam, I'm real sorry.
Copy !req
1507. That barn just
came out of nowhere.
Copy !req
1508. No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...
Copy !req
1509. I should never
have let you drive.
Copy !req
1510. Yeah. You were wrong.
Copy !req
1511. You were wrong to do that.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1512. But that and the trial are the only
two things you fucked up. So, uh...
Copy !req
1513. I can't see shit
in there.
Copy !req
1514. We're gonna have to wait till
tomorrow to get the car out.
Copy !req
1515. Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?
Copy !req
1516. Yeah, it'll be fine.
We just got to find some firewood.
Copy !req
1517. What the hell?
Copy !req
1518. Holy shit! Hey, Ted!
Copy !req
1519. You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.
Copy !req
1520. It's a really rare strain.
Copy !req
1521. It's a cross between Lemon
Skunk and Super Silver Haze.
Copy !req
1522. It's totally potent.
Copy !req
1523. I've only had it
once in my life
Copy !req
1524. and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.
Copy !req
1525. What the hell is
a leaf of this stuff
Copy !req
1526. doing out in
the middle of a...
Copy !req
1527. Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
Copy !req
1528. So beautiful.
Copy !req
1529. It's so beautiful.
Copy !req
1530. No words.
Copy !req
1531. No words.
Copy !req
1532. They should've sent
a poet.
Copy !req
1533. They're moving in herds.
Copy !req
1534. They do move in herds.
Copy !req
1535. Please tell me that's not the only
bong you brought on this trip.
Copy !req
1536. Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.
Copy !req
1537. I mean, we wanna
get high, too.
Copy !req
1538. I don't have any
papers or nothing.
Copy !req
1539. Is this hilarious?
I got it at a bachelorette party.
Copy !req
1540. <LAuGHs)
Copy !req
1541. it's so stupid.
Here, try it.
Copy !req
1542. Uh, no.
Copy !req
1543. Why?
Copy !req
1544. I don't wanna put a big
glass cock in my mouth.
Copy !req
1545. Oh, you think
this is big?
Copy !req
1546. <LAuGHs)
Copy !req
1547. Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.
Copy !req
1548. This is all I brought.
Copy !req
1549. How about this?
I'm gonna go check out the barn
Copy !req
1550. and I'm gonna see if I can
find a soda can or something
Copy !req
1551. for us to make an actual bong.
Copy !req
1552. Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.
Copy !req
1553. Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the
South Korean president.
Copy !req
1554. Right?
Copy !req
1555. She gets...
You get it.
Copy !req
1556. Right? No.
Copy !req
1557. What?
Copy !req
1558. Okay, I'll be back.
Copy !req
1559. Sorry.
Copy !req
1560. No. This is nice.
Copy !req
1561. You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife
Copy !req
1562. to get stoned with me.
She never would.
Copy !req
1563. Really?
Copy !req
1564. Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.
Copy !req
1565. I agree.
Copy !req
1566. So, you think this Ivleighan guy
is gonna help us?
Copy !req
1567. I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...
Copy !req
1568. But we're going
to the right place.
Copy !req
1569. Listen, I just really
want to thank you
Copy !req
1570. for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.
Copy !req
1571. I know it's not
making you rich.
Copy !req
1572. Please.
Copy !req
1573. There are more important
things in life than money.
Copy !req
1574. Look,
Copy !req
1575. I don't know what
kind of mojo was in
Copy !req
1576. that wish you made
when you were a child,
Copy !req
1577. but this bear is alive.
Copy !req
1578. And it seems to me that once the
law devalues one kind of life,
Copy !req
1579. how soon before
it devalues another?
Copy !req
1580. Who gets subjugated
after the bear?
Copy !req
1581. You're really smart,
you know that?
Copy !req
1582. How come
you don't have a guy?
Copy !req
1583. Dude, have you seen
the guys in Boston?
Copy !req
1584. I'm supposed to date
some pale, blotchy guy
Copy !req
1585. with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket
Copy !req
1586. and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.
Copy !req
1587. Yeah.
Copy !req
1588. That's so dumb.
Copy !req
1589. I Couldn't
find any cans,
Copy !req
1590. but I got to tell you, there's
some awesome shit in that barn.
Copy !req
1591. Take a look at this.
I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.
Copy !req
1592. Hey, be careful
with that, huh.
Copy !req
1593. No, it's okay.
it's not loaded.
Copy !req
1594. And my fucking nose
came off.
Copy !req
1595. Jeez, I wonder who
this place belongs to.
Copy !req
1596. Maybe we should find someplace else.
Copy !req
1597. We're in the middle
of nowhere.
Copy !req
1598. If we get out of here by dawn,
we should be fine, right?
Copy !req
1599. You play the guitar?
Copy !req
1600. A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.
Copy !req
1601. Mean ol' moon
Copy !req
1602. It must be fun
Copy !req
1603. To shine upon me
as I come undone
Copy !req
1604. Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun
Copy !req
1605. You mean ol' moon
Copy !req
1606. With your beam you led the way
Copy !req
1607. And found me love
I thought was here to stay
Copy !req
1608. Then you went and
took my love away
Copy !req
1609. You mean ol' moon
Copy !req
1610. Oh, you mean ol' stars above
Copy !req
1611. The games that
you play with me
Copy !req
1612. I could find some happiness
Copy !req
1613. If all of my nights
were cloudy
Copy !req
1614. Mean ol' moon
Copy !req
1615. I hope it's true
Copy !req
1616. You're takin' all the light
that's left in you
Copy !req
1617. And saving it up
for you know who
Copy !req
1618. You mean ol' moon
Copy !req
1619. You mean ol' moon
Copy !req
1620. Yes!
Copy !req
1621. You got it.
Copy !req
1622. You got it!
Copy !req
1623. Come on, put your legs into it.
Copy !req
1624. There you go! Nice job!
Copy !req
1625. Jesus.
Copy !req
1626. So, listen, I got to ask.
Copy !req
1627. Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?
Copy !req
1628. How far are we?
Copy !req
1629. I'd say we're about
an hour outside the city.
Copy !req
1630. Fantastic. So, I'm one hour
away from being a real person.
Copy !req
1631. Hey!
Copy !req
1632. Who the fuck are you?
Copy !req
1633. This is private property!
Copy !req
1634. Get the fuck
out of the car!
Copy !req
1635. Shit! Go, go, go!
Copy !req
1636. Shit!
Copy !req
1637. Oh, God, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, pot! Sorry!
Copy !req
1638. I'm so sorry, pot!
Copy !req
1639. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1640. Seizing the day!
Copy !req
1641. There's the road,
there, that way! Go!
Copy !req
1642. Come on, you gotta move.
They're right on our ass. I am, I'm moving.
Copy !req
1643. What the fuck, man?
What?
Copy !req
1644. Are you hard?
Copy !req
1645. Yeah, this shit
makes me hard.
Copy !req
1646. Whoa!
Holy shit!
Copy !req
1647. Oh, my God,
are they okay?
Copy !req
1648. Uh, yeah, they're fine.
They look happy.
Copy !req
1649. Yeah, they're waving at us.
They're giving us the thumbs up.
Copy !req
1650. Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.
Copy !req
1651. Oh, we're gonna
smoke it, all right,
Copy !req
1652. but just stuff it
under the seat for now.
Copy !req
1653. We don't wanna
go to jail.
Copy !req
1654. Yeah, that's a good idea.
Copy !req
1655. UNHALES)
Copy !req
1656. Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
1657. Hashtag "My amazing summer."
Copy !req
1658. God damn it!
What the hell's wrong with you?
Copy !req
1659. Oh, I fucking owe you,
you bastard.
Copy !req
1660. What do you mean?
I was just messing around.
Copy !req
1661. Oh, shut up
and suck that dick.
Copy !req
1662. Oh, fuck you.
Copy !req
1663. I love New York.
Copy !req
1664. Yeah, there's no
bullshit with these people.
Copy !req
1665. Yeah, you always know who you're
dealing with in New York.
Copy !req
1666. Hello, Jews!
Copy !req
1667. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Copy !req
1668. Watch it. Jesus!
Watch where you're going!
Copy !req
1669. It's a crosswalk, jackass!
We have the right of way! Yeah.
Copy !req
1670. Whoa!
Copy !req
1671. Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?
Copy !req
1672. It's Comic Con, you idiot!
We're going to the Javits Center.
Copy !req
1673. You're the idiots,
because you three guys
Copy !req
1674. would never be
walking together!
Copy !req
1675. Yeah, you're his boss and
you two guys are enemies!
Copy !req
1676. Yeah, bite me,
Captain Kirk!
Copy !req
1677. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey!
Come on. That's Star Trek!
Copy !req
1678. Yeah, that's two
different franchises.
Copy !req
1679. Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.
Copy !req
1680. Nah, it's okay.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
Copy !req
1681. All right, let's go.
Copy !req
1682. Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.
Copy !req
1683. Come on.
Copy !req
1684. This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?
Copy !req
1685. Mmm.
Copy !req
1686. And there is our
first impression.
Copy !req
1687. Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Ivleighan will see you now.
Copy !req
1688. Oh, okay. Thank you.
Copy !req
1689. Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.
Copy !req
1690. Mr. Nleighan,
this is such an honor.
Copy !req
1691. Thank you so much
for meeting with us.
Copy !req
1692. Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.
Copy !req
1693. Oh, this office is
fucking awesome.
Copy !req
1694. Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.
Copy !req
1695. You ever bring chicks up here?
Copy !req
1696. What do you think?
Copy !req
1697. I think I want to sleep on
a bed made of your voice.
Copy !req
1698. I'll get right down to it.
Copy !req
1699. I don't want to waste
too much of your time.
Copy !req
1700. Ted, I've been
reviewing your file.
Copy !req
1701. And while I'm sympathetic
to your cause,
Copy !req
1702. I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.
Copy !req
1703. What?
Why?
Copy !req
1704. Why not?
Copy !req
1705. Well, it comes down to this.
Copy !req
1706. You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.
Copy !req
1707. That's a hard sell,
even for me.
Copy !req
1708. See, the important
thing about being human
Copy !req
1709. is making a contribution
to society.
Copy !req
1710. Assisting in
the betterment of your race.
Copy !req
1711. You've done none of that.
Copy !req
1712. I've read about your life.
Copy !req
1713. The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.
Copy !req
1714. Mr. Ivleighan, we've come
along way to meet you
Copy !req
1715. because you said
that you could help us.
Copy !req
1716. I said I would consider it.
Copy !req
1717. And I have.
Copy !req
1718. Ted, you're special.
Copy !req
1719. You could've been
an inspiration to the world.
Copy !req
1720. Could've been a leader,
a role model.
Copy !req
1721. Instead you're
Copy !req
1722. Justin Bieber.
Copy !req
1723. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1724. Hey, Ted! Come on!
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1725. He doesn't mean that.
Please forgive me, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1726. There's just no indication
Copy !req
1727. that you've had any positive
effect on the world around you.
Copy !req
1728. Well, that's not true.
He's had a positive effect on me.
Copy !req
1729. Would that positive effect
be yourjoint arrest
Copy !req
1730. for purchasing
marijuana in 2003?
Copy !req
1731. Well, how the fuck do you prepare
for a Foo Fighters concert?
Copy !req
1732. You know why
you lost this case?
Copy !req
1733. It can't be argued by reason.
Copy !req
1734. The precedent it sets would
affect the public directly.
Copy !req
1735. And unfortunately, the public
doesn'tjudge by reason.
Copy !req
1736. It judges by emotion.
Copy !req
1737. And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.
Copy !req
1738. Nonetheless, I wish you all
the best in your efforts.
Copy !req
1739. He needs help.
Copy !req
1740. And from what
I know about you,
Copy !req
1741. at one point in your career
that would've been enough.
Copy !req
1742. I'm sorry you're not
who I hoped you'd be.
Copy !req
1743. Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?
Copy !req
1744. Those aren't
supposed to be out.
Copy !req
1745. So that's it.
I'm property.
Copy !req
1746. No rights, no nothing.
Copy !req
1747. Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.
Copy !req
1748. I feel terrible.
Copy !req
1749. I let you guys down
all over again.
Copy !req
1750. Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.
Copy !req
1751. And, look, regardless
of all this shit,
Copy !req
1752. you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
Copy !req
1753. Oh. Oh, that...
Copy !req
1754. That's great!
That's fucking great!
Copy !req
1755. I'm glad you guys
are so happy!
Copy !req
1756. What?
Copy !req
1757. What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.
Copy !req
1758. And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,
Copy !req
1759. and she's probably
still fucking billing us!
Copy !req
1760. Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!
Copy !req
1761. Yeah, exactly! Exactly!
Copy !req
1762. Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,
Copy !req
1763. Sam could've won this thing and
lwouldn't be a fucking thing!
Copy !req
1764. Like garbage or
a piece of shit!
Copy !req
1765. Hey, we've been fighting right
alongside you the whole way.
Copy !req
1766. And remember,
you're the one
Copy !req
1767. who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.
Copy !req
1768. I finally meet someone and
you're giving me shit for it?
Copy !req
1769. Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.
Copy !req
1770. You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.
Copy !req
1771. I got no job,
no marriage and no life!
Copy !req
1772. But you have fun porking Gollum
here, while I'm left with shit!
Copy !req
1773. Ted!
Copy !req
1774. Who's Gollum?
Copy !req
1775. She's a model.
Ted, come back!
Copy !req
1776. Leave me alone!
Copy !req
1777. Ted!
Ted!
Copy !req
1778. Shit.
Copy !req
1779. \/Vhoa.
Copy !req
1780. Sorry, bro.
Copy !req
1781. Hey, Ted!
Copy !req
1782. Guy?
Copy !req
1783. I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?
Copy !req
1784. Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
Copy !req
1785. Hey, how you doing?
Copy !req
1786. Hey, what's going on?
What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1787. I just feel at home among the outcasts.
What are you guys doing here?
Copy !req
1788. Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.
Copy !req
1789. Dress up like we're into this
shit and fuck with the nerds.
Copy !req
1790. Hey, spaz_
Copy !req
1791. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew.
How about that, huh?
Copy !req
1792. <GRoANs)
Copy !req
1793. Uh-huh. All right, well, good
luck with your dick, there.
Copy !req
1794. Right on.
You, too, man.
Copy !req
1795. God damn it, that
underwear had shit on it!
Copy !req
1796. Yeah, I have a question
for David Hasselhoff.
Copy !req
1797. Yes, sir.
Copy !req
1798. Did you find it difficult as an
actor, playing opposite a car?
Copy !req
1799. You know, that is
a very good question.
Copy !req
1800. As an actor,
you rely on subtle
Copy !req
1801. facial changes and cues
from your co-stars.
Copy !req
1802. Uh, you don't get that
with a car.
Copy !req
1803. But after awhile,
Copy !req
1804. you get used to it,
it becomes the norm.
Copy !req
1805. Thank you.
Thank you.
Copy !req
1806. Uh, yeah, excuse me.
I have a question. Um...
Copy !req
1807. Exactly how many
beers did you have
Copy !req
1808. before you got naked
with that hamburger?
Copy !req
1809. You know, buddy,
we all make mistakes.
Copy !req
1810. That was a long time ago
and I'm a different guy now.
Copy !req
1811. You know what?
Can I just jump in here for a second?
Copy !req
1812. You're a real scumbag
for asking that question.
Copy !req
1813. What? It's a fair question.
Copy !req
1814. No, you know what?
You know what?
Copy !req
1815. Let me tell you something
about this man.
Copy !req
1816. KITT, it's all right.
Just let it go, huh?
Copy !req
1817. No, no- I want him
to hear this-
Copy !req
1818. Let me tell you something.
After the show ended,
Copy !req
1819. I got nothing but shit work,
all right?
Copy !req
1820. I was playing snow plows,
tractors,
Copy !req
1821. I was even cast
as a lawnmower_
Copy !req
1822. Now, that was a real
low point for me,
Copy !req
1823. and this man,
sitting next to me,
Copy !req
1824. at this very low point
in my life,
Copy !req
1825. wrote me a check...
Copy !req
1826. Aw, come on, pal.
Come on.
Copy !req
1827. No, no. I want
everyone to hear this,
Copy !req
1828. because you are a good
man, David Hasselhoff
Copy !req
1829. You are a good man.
You saved me
Copy !req
1830. with your generosity.
Copy !req
1831. You are the most...
Copy !req
1832. I'm so sorry. I promised myself
I wouldn't get emotional.
Copy !req
1833. I just love you, buddy.
Copy !req
1834. I just love you so much.
Copy !req
1835. I love you
so much. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1836. I love you too, pal.
I really do.
Copy !req
1837. I love you.
Copy !req
1838. So, like, 25 beers,
or what?
Copy !req
1839. Piece of shit!
Get out of here!
Copy !req
1840. Whoa, whoa, whoa, man!
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1841. You are not fit to breathe
the same air as this man!
Copy !req
1842. KITT, he's not worth it.
Copy !req
1843. Get out of here!
What? He's a celebrity.
Copy !req
1844. His personal life
is our business.
Copy !req
1845. Get the fuck out,
you piece of dog shit.
Copy !req
1846. I will run you down
like roadkill_
Copy !req
1847. Hey, I don't have to take this
shit from a fucking Pontiac.
Copy !req
1848. Get out!
Get the fuck out!
Copy !req
1849. You're a psycho, dude.
Seriously, you're a psycho.
Copy !req
1850. Get some therapy.
Get out!
Copy !req
1851. Crazy son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1852. Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
1853. Hey.
Copy !req
1854. Are you Ted?
Copy !req
1855. Uh, yeah.
Copy !req
1856. <LAuGHs)
Copy !req
1857. This is so exciting!
Copy !req
1858. I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s_
Copy !req
1859. Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?
Copy !req
1860. I'm Raphael.
Copy !req
1861. Hey, do you think I could
take a picture with you?
Copy !req
1862. Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
Copy !req
1863. Great, great!
Here, follow me.
Copy !req
1864. Uh, okay, why are we
doing this back here?
Copy !req
1865. Well, you're a celebrity.
Copy !req
1866. I just don't want you to get
mobbed when people recognize you.
Copy !req
1867. Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.
Copy !req
1868. All right,
let's do this.
Copy !req
1869. Holy shit! Donny!
Copy !req
1870. It's so good to see you, Ted.
Copy !req
1871. It's been some time,
hasn't it?
Copy !req
1872. What, you mean since
you ripped me in half?
Copy !req
1873. That wasn't
supposed to happen.
Copy !req
1874. That was an accident.
Copy !req
1875. I have some big plans
for you, Ted.
Copy !req
1876. Very big plans.
Copy !req
1877. I need you to come
with me now.
Copy !req
1878. Go to hell!
Copy !req
1879. Nice lunch, spaz.
Copy !req
1880. Hey! What the hell!
Copy !req
1881. He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.
Copy !req
1882. We should just
wait by the car.
Copy !req
1883. What do you mean?
We have to find him, okay?
Copy !req
1884. He's a teddy bear on his own
in New York, for God's sakes_
Copy !req
1885. Hello?
Copy !req
1886. Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.
Copy !req
1887. Ted, where are you?
Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you.
Copy !req
1888. I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny!
He's here!
Copy !req
1889. He's after me.
You got to get over here.
Copy !req
1890. What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?
Copy !req
1891. John, what's going on?
Copy !req
1892. Yes, it's him! He's...
Copy !req
1893. Oh, Shit!
Copy !req
1894. Ted! Ted, hello?
Copy !req
1895. What's the matter?
Oh, my God. Déjé vu.
Copy !req
1896. We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!
Copy !req
1897. Get out of the way!
Copy !req
1898. You know,
Copy !req
1899. I really love
that Neil Diamond.
Copy !req
1900. Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.
Copy !req
1901. It's just so infectious.
Copy !req
1902. You just can't
help but sing along.
Copy !req
1903. Hands touching hands
Copy !req
1904. Reaching out
Copy !req
1905. Touching me, touching you
Copy !req
1906. Sweet Caroline
Copy !req
1907. Bah, bah, bah!
Copy !req
1908. Fuck!
Copy !req
1909. Crazy son of
a bitch!
Copy !req
1910. Hey!
Copy !req
1911. What are you doing
to that bear?
Copy !req
1912. I'm sorry. I, uh...
Copy !req
1913. You better be planning
on buying that!
Copy !req
1914. He just reminds me
of when I was a kid.
Copy !req
1915. Yeah, that's great.
Copy !req
1916. $40.
Copy !req
1917. Okay.
Copy !req
1918. I have $40, here.
Copy !req
1919. You see
him anywhere?
Copy !req
1920. No. Let's try in there.
Copy !req
1921. Hi. Have any of you guys seen a
talking teddy bear run through here?
Copy !req
1922. Shh_ Tney're about to
announce the new Superman.
Copy !req
1923. The new Superman is...
Copy !req
1924. Jonah Hill!
Copy !req
1925. Fuck!
Copy !req
1926. Who's Superman?
What?
Copy !req
1927. I'm just kidding.
I'm fucking with you. Come on!
Copy !req
1928. And if that is
not big enough news,
Copy !req
1929. Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line
Copy !req
1930. of Transformers
merchandise next fall.
Copy !req
1931. We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons. __
Copy !req
1932. Hey!
Copy !req
1933. that is gonna be...
Fresh cakes.
Copy !req
1934. Fresh cakes.
Copy !req
1935. Fresh cakes.
Copy !req
1936. Comic Con fans,
Copy !req
1937. let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel
Copy !req
1938. with all of our
exciting new toys.
Copy !req
1939. Take a look.
Copy !req
1940. Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.
Copy !req
1941. Is that him?
Copy !req
1942. Yeah, there was
an issue, so he's
Copy !req
1943. unconscious now,
but yeah, this is him.
Copy !req
1944. Jesus!
Why did you bring him here?
Copy !req
1945. I've been following him
around since yesterday.
Copy !req
1946. This was the only chance I could get him alone.
I had to move fast.
Copy !req
1947. Hey, Ted!
Copy !req
1948. Isthatyou?
Copy !req
1949. Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.
Copy !req
1950. He puked a pile of cotton all over
this little girl in a stroller
Copy !req
1951. so we're gonna take him
back and sober him up.
Copy !req
1952. Ah, rock on, Ted.
Copy !req
1953. Eff yeah.
Copy !req
1954. Hey, guys, be careful out there.
Some nerd spilled his lunch.
Copy !req
1955. Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.
Copy !req
1956. Hey, Johnny.
Copy !req
1957. Guy?
Copy !req
1958. Man, it's a goddamn
party here today.
Copy !req
1959. Hey, I remember
you from the wedding.
Copy !req
1960. You get a nose job?
No.
Copy !req
1961. Yes, you did,
you fucking liar.
Copy !req
1962. Hey, we just ran
into your buddy Ted.
Copy !req
1963. Ted? Where is he?
Copy !req
1964. He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.
Copy !req
1965. Did you see
which way they went?
Copy !req
1966. Yeah, yeah.
Back hallway, past the photo booth.
Copy !req
1967. Come on!
Copy !req
1968. Thirsty, Urkel?
Copy !req
1969. I fucking love this place.
Copy !req
1970. What the fuck?
What the fuck's going on here?
Copy !req
1971. Who the hell are you?
Copy !req
1972. He really is
extraordinary, isn't he?
Copy !req
1973. You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!
Copy !req
1974. No, it's not.
Copy !req
1975. Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.
Copy !req
1976. Yeah, so is
that fucking hairpiece.
Copy !req
1977. What do you say there,
happy face?
Copy !req
1978. Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.
Copy !req
1979. Happy QUV-
Copy !req
1980. Right there. Death to Ming.
Good, yeah.
Copy !req
1981. Hey, Bennett!
Copy !req
1982. Oh, Shit!
Copy !req
1983. You messed up my car.
Copy !req
1984. What the hell is
wrong with you?
Copy !req
1985. Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right?
Something happened to Ted.
Copy !req
1986. But it was a good time for you
to vandalize my Chrysler though.
Copy !req
1987. Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
Copy !req
1988. Holy shit!
Copy !req
1989. Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?
Copy !req
1990. Think about what
happened at Fenway.
Copy !req
1991. You remember? You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!
Copy !req
1992. Just a regular old teddy bear.
Copy !req
1993. I won't be any
fun then, will I?
Copy !req
1994. This isn't about you, Ted.
Copy !req
1995. You're only one bear.
Copy !req
1996. We're gonna figure out
what makes you real,
Copy !req
1997. and then we're gonna
make millions of Teds.
Copy !req
1998. One for every
child in the world.
Copy !req
1999. One for me.
Copy !req
2000. One that loves me
just as much as you love John.
Copy !req
2001. Look, Donny,
I can never love you.
Copy !req
2002. God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.
Copy !req
2003. Okay? So, uh...
Copy !req
2004. What if I gave you
a hand job outside
Copy !req
2005. your pants while
you ate an ice cream?
Copy !req
2006. I'll give you a minute.
Copy !req
2007. Come here!
Copy !req
2008. Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.
Copy !req
2009. Ah!
Copy !req
2010. Come here.
Copy !req
2011. Come on.
Copy !req
2012. I'll see you in heaven, Ted.
Copy !req
2013. Ted!
Johnny!
Copy !req
2014. Who the hell are you?
Copy !req
2015. Get away from him,
you bastard!
Copy !req
2016. Ted, you okay, buddy?
Johnny, thank God!
Copy !req
2017. I'm out.
Copy !req
2018. Wait, IVIr. Jessup, please don't go.
Come on, we can still do this.
Copy !req
2019. You're on your own, Danny.
I can't be implicated in any of this.
Copy !req
2020. Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
Copy !req
2021. I work for Mattel.
Copy !req
2022. You piece of shit.
Copy !req
2023. Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?
Copy !req
2024. What do you wanna do now?
Copy !req
2025. You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!
Copy !req
2026. I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.
Copy !req
2027. A-ha! I fucking knew it!
Copy !req
2028. Come on.
Copy !req
2029. Listen, Johnny, I wanna
tell you how sorry I am.
Copy !req
2030. No, forget it, buddy.
Copy !req
2031. Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
2032. No, listen to me.
Copy !req
2033. Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.
Copy !req
2034. I acted like an asshole.
Copy !req
2035. All right? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.
Copy !req
2036. And that, in the eyes of the
world, I'll always be property.
Copy !req
2037. But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?
Copy !req
2038. It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.
Copy !req
2039. And that's all
that's important.
Copy !req
2040. And I know who my friends are.
Copy !req
2041. And honest to God,
Copy !req
2042. if you two want to be together,
nothing would make me happier.
Copy !req
2043. Aw, buddy,
I love you for that.
Copy !req
2044. Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.
Copy !req
2045. And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,
Copy !req
2046. you're a person.
Copy !req
2047. As much as anybody
I've ever known.
Copy !req
2048. Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.
Copy !req
2049. Ted!
Copy !req
2050. Holy shit! Johnny!
Copy !req
2051. Oh, my God. John!
Johnny!
Copy !req
2052. John!
Oh, Jesus!
Copy !req
2053. Are you okay?
Johnny, you all right?
Copy !req
2054. Shit.
Copy !req
2055. John, hey.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
2056. Jesus, what happened here?
Copy !req
2057. The rocket ship just hit him!
Copy !req
2058. Jesus Christ, that's the starship
Enterprise... Forget it.
Copy !req
2059. Somebody call 911!
Copy !req
2060. Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.
Copy !req
2061. We need an ambulance
at 655 West 34th.
Copy !req
2062. HOW the hell did it fall?
Copy !req
2063. I don't know!
Copy !req
2064. It was him!
Copy !req
2065. The guy dressed like
the Ninja Turtle!
Copy !req
2066. Which one?
Copy !req
2067. All right, two can play this Where's
Waldo shit, you son of a bitch!
Copy !req
2068. Sam, give me your phone.
Copy !req
2069. That's him.
Copy !req
2070. Get off me!
Copy !req
2071. Get off me!
Copy !req
2072. Johnny?
Copy !req
2073. Johnny, come on.
Copy !req
2074. Johnny, you got to
wake up, pal.
Copy !req
2075. Johnny, wake up!
Copy !req
2076. Wake up, Johnny.
Copy !req
2077. Johnny.
Copy !req
2078. Johnny, wake up!
Copy !req
2079. Johnny, wake up.
Copy !req
2080. Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?
Copy !req
2081. I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can
Copy !req
2082. and it's all up to him now.
Copy !req
2083. John,
Copy !req
2084. please wake up.
Copy !req
2085. Somebody help!
Copy !req
2086. Oh, my God, John!
John? Johnny?
Copy !req
2087. Hello?
There's something happening.
Copy !req
2088. Mr. Bennett?
Copy !req
2089. Sometning's wrong. What's going on?
What's happening to him?
Copy !req
2090. Mr. Bennett? John?
Copy !req
2091. We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
What does that mean?
Copy !req
2092. I'm sorry. You three are
gonna have to wait outside.
Copy !req
2093. What the hell is going on?
Is he gonna be okay?
Copy !req
2094. The doctors will do
everything they can,
Copy !req
2095. but I need you to go to the
waiting area now, please.
Copy !req
2096. Excuse me, excuse me.
Copy !req
2097. What's the status?
Copy !req
2098. He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.
Copy !req
2099. The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.
Copy !req
2100. Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate_
Copy !req
2101. Give him a milligram
of epinephrine.
Copy !req
2102. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2103. He didn't make it.
Copy !req
2104. What?
Copy !req
2105. Johnny.
Copy !req
2106. If you'd like, you can go in
Copy !req
2107. and say your goodbyes.
Copy !req
2108. Johnny.
Copy !req
2109. You were my thunder buddy.
Copy !req
2110. You were my thunder buddy
for life.
Copy !req
2111. And you gave up your own life
to save mine.
Copy !req
2112. The only problem is
Copy !req
2113. I don't know how
my life works without you.
Copy !req
2114. Goodbye, John.
Copy !req
2115. I got you, motherfucker!
Copy !req
2116. Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!
Copy !req
2117. I totally fucking got you!
Copy !req
2118. Holy shit!
Copy !req
2119. You should have seen
your fucking face!
Copy !req
2120. You son of a bitch!
Copy !req
2121. That was fucking classic!
Copy !req
2122. Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!
Copy !req
2123. You made me think
you were retarded!
Copy !req
2124. Oh! Well done!
Copy !req
2125. Well done, man. High five.
Copy !req
2126. High five.
Copy !req
2127. What the fuck is going on?
Copy !req
2128. What's going on, is this guy just won
the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.
Copy !req
2129. You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!
Copy !req
2130. Wait. How was the doctor
in on it?
Copy !req
2131. They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.
Copy !req
2132. So I talked him into
going along with the bit.
Copy !req
2133. Hey, Doc, itworked out
hilarious. Thanks.
Copy !req
2134. No problem.
We're a fun hospital.
Copy !req
2135. You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?
Copy !req
2136. Do you know how devastated
I was?
Copy !req
2137. I put a frowny face
on Facebook!
Copy !req
2138. How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?
Copy !req
2139. You could change your
relationship status from "single"
Copy !req
2140. to "it's complicated."
Copy !req
2141. You're gonna have to do a lot
better than that.
Copy !req
2142. How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?
Copy !req
2143. Well, we'll have
to talk about that.
Copy !req
2144. Okay, well, good talk.
Copy !req
2145. Hey, if you guys
want to bang,
Copy !req
2146. me and Teddy
can totally leave the room.
Copy !req
2147. No, no, honey, honey, they're
classy, they're not like us.
Copy !req
2148. They're good people.
Copy !req
2149. I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.
Copy !req
2150. Mr. Nleighan.
What the hell?
Copy !req
2151. Holy shit!
Copy !req
2152. Is it all right
if I come in?
Copy !req
2153. Sure, yeah.
Copy !req
2154. How are you feeling, John?
Copy !req
2155. I'm alive.
Copy !req
2156. You're very lucky.
Copy !req
2157. I saw what you did on TV.
Copy !req
2158. Yeah, he saved my ass
is what he did.
Copy !req
2159. You know why?
Because he's a person.
Copy !req
2160. And no matter how many
Copy !req
2161. of you smart-ass Harvard
lawyers try to keep him down,
Copy !req
2162. you're not gonna change that.
Copy !req
2163. Not in our eyes.
Copy !req
2164. Ted is real.
Copy !req
2165. So you can go fuck yourself.
Copy !req
2166. I will.
Copy !req
2167. And as soon as I'm done
fucking myself,
Copy !req
2168. I'd like to take
your case, Ted.
Copy !req
2169. What?
Seriously?
Copy !req
2170. Oh, my God!
You heard that?
Copy !req
2171. Oh, my gosh!I don't believe it!
Copy !req
2172. Maybe we don't want you now.
Shut up.
Copy !req
2173. No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.
Copy !req
2174. What made you
change your mind?
Copy !req
2175. Well, when I saw
what John did for you,
Copy !req
2176. that he was willing to
give his life for yours,
Copy !req
2177. it gave me a kick in the ass.
Copy !req
2178. Reminded me of why I chose
to do the kind of work I do.
Copy !req
2179. I'm sorry I turned you away.
Copy !req
2180. I was wrong.
Copy !req
2181. As far as I'm concerned,
Copy !req
2182. anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person
Copy !req
2183. deserves to be called human.
Copy !req
2184. You mean it?
Copy !req
2185. I certainly do.
Copy !req
2186. So,
Copy !req
2187. shall we get started?
Copy !req
2188. What defines a person?
Copy !req
2189. What defines property?
Copy !req
2190. What's the difference?
Copy !req
2191. The anthropologist and
ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes
Copy !req
2192. argues that the standards for
personhood include self-awareness,
Copy !req
2193. an ability to understand
complex emotions
Copy !req
2194. and a capacity for empathy.
Copy !req
2195. We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.
Copy !req
2196. What is your name?
Copy !req
2197. Ted Clubber Lang.
Copy !req
2198. As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,
Copy !req
2199. we all saw
the distressing images
Copy !req
2200. of Ted agonizing
over his fallen friend,
Copy !req
2201. John Bennett.
Copy !req
2202. In those images,
Copy !req
2203. Ted exhibits all of the remaining
qualities of personhood_
Copy !req
2204. it's right there
for anyone to see.
Copy !req
2205. And I believe that a just
court must, by definition,
Copy !req
2206. grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,
Copy !req
2207. just as
the Emancipation Proclamation
Copy !req
2208. and the Thirteenth Amendment
did so many years ago.
Copy !req
2209. So, ladies and gentlemen
of the court,
Copy !req
2210. I invite you
Copy !req
2211. to change the world.
Copy !req
2212. Well, Johnny, this is the second
time you've made me real.
Copy !req
2213. Thanks, pal.
Copy !req
2214. Hey, you were
always real to me, buddy.
Copy !req
2215. Even when you weren't.
Copy !req
2216. Congratulations, Ted.
Copy !req
2217. Thanks, Sam.
Copy !req
2218. Ted!
Copy !req
2219. Ted!
Ted! Over here!
Copy !req
2220. Ted!
Copy !req
2221. This is quite a victory
for you.
Copy !req
2222. Is there any statement
that you'd like to make
Copy !req
2223. now that
you're legally a person?
Copy !req
2224. Yes, there is.
Copy !req
2225. Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
Copy !req
2226. will you marry me?
Copy !req
2227. YSS.
Copy !req
2228. And so
our story comes to an end.
Copy !req
2229. Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,
Copy !req
2230. and soon afterward, they adopted
a fine, young baby boy.
Copy !req
2231. Johnny,
meet your new godson,
Copy !req
2232. Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.
Copy !req
2233. Oh, Teddy,
he's adorable.
Copy !req
2234. Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.
Copy !req
2235. Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.
Copy !req
2236. He got you something.
Copy !req
2237. Huh?
Copy !req
2238. Oh, Johnny!
Copy !req
2239. Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.
Copy !req
2240. Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,
Copy !req
2241. maybe he'll come to life
Copy !req
2242. and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.
Copy !req
2243. That's all I want for him.
Copy !req
2244. Oh! It smells like somebody's
got a poopy diaper.
Copy !req
2245. Teddy, it's your turn
to change him.
Copy !req
2246. Oh, yeah, no problem.
Copy !req
2247. Oh! Fuck me!
What's the matter?
Copy !req
2248. That can't be normal.
He's got to be sick.
Copy !req
2249. He's not sick,
it's just baby doody_
Copy !req
2250. Yeah, that's what
babies do, Teddy.
Copy !req
2251. Oh, you don't think this
diaper's gross? No.
Copy !req
2252. All right. Here, catch.
Copy !req
2253. oh, Teddy,
what the fuck?
Copy !req
2254. Holy shit!
Oh, you motherfucker!
Copy !req
2255. Hashtag "Shit happens- "
Copy !req