1. Oh, hello.
Copy !req
2. Jean Francois?
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3. Jean Francois.
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4. You in the robes. Put down
the weapon of mass destruction
Copy !req
5. and get on the ground.
You're under arrest.
Copy !req
6. Put down your weapons now!
Copy !req
7. Why can't they ever do this
the easy way?
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8. World Police. Get down on the ground!
Copy !req
9. Hey, terrorist.
Copy !req
10. Terrorize this.
Copy !req
11. All right, let's make this interesting.
Copy !req
12. You lose.
Copy !req
13. - He's getting away with the WMD!
- I got him.
Copy !req
14. Damn, I missed him.
Copy !req
15. Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?
Copy !req
16. I got him, Carson.
He's heading for the Louvre.
Copy !req
17. Your plans are over.
Copy !req
18. - All right, Sarah.
- Yeah, all right, team!
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19. Nothing to it.
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20. All right.
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21. Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry.
Everything is bon.
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22. We stopped the terrorists.
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23. I was doing a lot of thinking
on the ride over here.
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24. Oh, yeah? About what?
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25. I was thinking that I want you
to marry me.
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26. - Don't joke about that.
- Who's joking?
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27. Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may
need to order up a wedding cake.
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28. - He finally popped the question?
- Lisa, you're an amazing woman.
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29. And a damn fine cop. And I want
to spend the rest of my life with you.
Copy !req
30. Oh, Carson. Carson...
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31. Carson!
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32. No!
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33. Carson.
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34. - Feel so cold.
- You have to hang on, Carson.
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35. Sorry, babe. Looks like this
was a one-way ticket.
Copy !req
36. No.
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37. Lisa, you have to live on.
Copy !req
38. Find someone else who will love you.
Find someone else and be happy.
Copy !req
39. You deserve...
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40. No!
Copy !req
41. Everyone has AIDS
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42. Everyone has AIDS
Copy !req
43. And so this is the end of our story
Copy !req
44. And everyone is dead from AIDS
Copy !req
45. It took from me my best friend
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46. My only true pal
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47. My only bright star
Copy !req
48. He died of AIDS
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49. Well, I'm gonna march on Washington
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50. Lead the fight
And charge the brigades
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51. There's a hero inside of all of us
Copy !req
52. I'll make them see
Everyone has AIDS
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53. My father
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54. My sister
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55. My uncle and my cousin
And her best friend
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56. The gays and the straights
And the whites and the spades
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57. Everyone has AIDS
My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
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58. The Pope has got it and so do you
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59. Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
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60. We're gonna break down
These barricades
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61. Everyone has
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62. - Great job, Gary.
- Thanks. You, too, Steve.
Copy !req
63. That was the greatest acting
I've ever seen.
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64. I just don't know how you do it, Gary.
Copy !req
65. How do you make yourself
so somber and emotional
Copy !req
66. to make everybody cry like that?
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67. It's not that hard, really. I just think
about the saddest moment in my life.
Copy !req
68. Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.
Copy !req
69. Gary. Oh, no. Help me! Help me!
Copy !req
70. Get off of me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
Copy !req
71. Hello, young man. Congratulations
on a terrific performance.
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72. Oh, thank you.
I don't believe we've met, Mr...?
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73. The name is Spottswoode.
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74. - Well, nice to meet you.
- And you are Gary Johnston.
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75. All-American actor who graduated
Iowa University summa cum laude
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76. with a double major in theatre
and world languages.
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77. You've been at the top of every
acting class since you were a child.
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78. Top-gun actor.
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79. Hey, hold on a second,
are you from Hollywood?
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80. I have an incredible offer for you, Gary.
If you're interested, follow me this way.
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81. Please, Gary, step into my car.
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82. Oh, I get it.
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83. I'm supposed to get in your car
and let you put your finger inside me.
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84. Then if I go down on you,
I get a movie part.
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85. No, I just want to show you something.
Copy !req
86. Yeah, I'll bet you do.
Copy !req
87. Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood.
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88. I'm not going to fuck your mouth,
and my time is extremely valuable.
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89. - Jesus, this is a nice limo.
- Yes, it is.
Copy !req
90. Now, suck my cock.
Copy !req
91. Just kidding.
Copy !req
92. All right, just what the hell
is this about?
Copy !req
93. I hate to break this to you, Gary,
Copy !req
94. but some people out there
want you dead.
Copy !req
95. - Dead?
- They're called terrorists, Gary.
Copy !req
96. And they hate everything about you.
Copy !req
97. Why? What did I do to them?
I'm just a Broadway actor.
Copy !req
98. It's not who you are, Gary,
it's what you stand for.
Copy !req
99. And every single minute
of every single day,
Copy !req
100. the terrorists are planning new ways
Copy !req
101. to kill you and everyone else
who lives in a free country.
Copy !req
102. The only thing standing
in their way is us.
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103. You?
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104. Baxter, I think we can
valmorphanize safely now.
Copy !req
105. Okay, a limousine that can fly.
Now I have seen everything.
Copy !req
106. Really? Have you seen a man
eat his own head?
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107. - No.
- So then you haven't seen everything.
Copy !req
108. And neither have we.
Copy !req
109. Last week in Paris,
we caught four terrorists
Copy !req
110. with a weapon of mass destruction.
Copy !req
111. The terrorists are planning
something very big.
Copy !req
112. And just what does this have
to do with me?
Copy !req
113. Our only hope is to have somebody
act like a terrorist
Copy !req
114. who wants to help them
carry out the attack.
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115. An actor convincing enough to make
the terrorists think he's one of them.
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116. This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.
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117. That's all spying is, acting.
And they say you're the best.
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118. An actor with a double major
in theatre and world languages?
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119. Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.
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120. Look out!
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121. Right this way, you maverick renegade.
Copy !req
122. Welcome to Team Base.
Copy !req
123. Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback
from the University of Nebraska.
Copy !req
124. He's a natural-born leader.
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125. I've heard a lot about your acting,
Mr Johnston.
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126. Hope it's as good as they say it is.
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127. And this is Sarah,
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128. the top empath from Berkeley's
School for the Clairvoyant
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129. in San Francisco.
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130. I sense that you're slightly
confused right now.
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131. That's supposed to be Carson's
replacement, a fucking actor?
Copy !req
132. Don't mind Chris.
He may be lacking courtesy,
Copy !req
133. but he's the best martial-arts expert
Detroit has to offer.
Copy !req
134. That's right, actor.
Just stay the fuck away from me.
Copy !req
135. And finally, we have our
psychology expert. Where's Lisa?
Copy !req
136. Right here.
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137. Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes
in how the terrorists think.
Copy !req
138. Usually a case of malignant narcissism
brought on during childhood.
Copy !req
139. We've been doing our best
to keep the world safe, Gary.
Copy !req
140. But now somebody has supplied
the terrorists with WMDs.
Copy !req
141. And intelligence tells us
they plan to use them.
Copy !req
142. Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
Copy !req
143. - That is affirmative.
- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?
Copy !req
144. The most sophisticated computer
in the world.
Copy !req
145. I've intercepted communications
that several terrorist groups
Copy !req
146. are being organized for one
massive worldwide attack.
Copy !req
147. From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
has gathered,
Copy !req
148. it would be 9/11 times 100.
Copy !req
149. 9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's...
Copy !req
150. Yes, 91,100.
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151. Basically, all the worst parts
of the Bible.
Copy !req
152. So now you see why we need you.
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153. We will disguise you as a terrorist and
take you deep into the Middle East.
Copy !req
154. If your acting is successful, you'll be
able to get us the information we need
Copy !req
155. to stop this whole thing
from happening.
Copy !req
156. Of course, if you're not interested,
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157. there's the door.
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158. All right. Thanks.
Copy !req
159. Gary. Hey, hold on a second.
Copy !req
160. Don't you understand?
Every country in the world is in danger.
Copy !req
161. How is it my responsibility
to do something?
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162. Because like it or not, you're the one
with the power to do something.
Copy !req
163. I can't fight terrorists. I don't know
anything about guns or jets.
Copy !req
164. That doesn't matter.
If you want to help people,
Copy !req
165. all that matters, Gary,
is what you have here.
Copy !req
166. Just think about it, okay?
Here, take this.
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167. Baxter will take you wherever
you wanna go. Just remember,
Copy !req
168. your freedom's at stake, too.
Copy !req
169. What do you think Spottswoode
sees in him?
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170. I don't know. But I think I see it, too.
Copy !req
171. Hey, Baxter.
Copy !req
172. I wanna take a detour.
Copy !req
173. What would you do
Copy !req
174. If you were asked to give up
your dreams for freedom?
Copy !req
175. What would you do
Copy !req
176. If asked to make
the ultimate sacrifice?
Copy !req
177. Would you think about
all them people
Copy !req
178. Who gave up everything they had?
Copy !req
179. Would you think about
all them war vets
Copy !req
180. And would you start to feel bad?
Copy !req
181. Freedom isn't free
Copy !req
182. It costs folks like you and me
Copy !req
183. And if we don't all chip in
Copy !req
184. We'll never pay that bill
Copy !req
185. Freedom isn't free
Copy !req
186. No, there's a hefty fucking fee
Copy !req
187. And if you don't throw in
your buck-o-five, who will?
Copy !req
188. Buck-o-five
Copy !req
189. Freedom costs a buck-o-five
Copy !req
190. Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says
the weapons of mass destruction
Copy !req
191. you requested are ready for you to take.
Copy !req
192. I am still in the process of recruiting
Copy !req
193. and training new terrorists
for the attack.
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194. We take weapons later.
Copy !req
195. He asks what part of the deal
you did not understand.
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196. He says perhaps his translator
did not make it clear to you.
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197. He says he should fire his translator?
Copy !req
198. Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am?
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199. I cannot berieve that I actually have
a Chechnyan standing here
Copy !req
200. terring me when
he's gonna take a derivery.
Copy !req
201. Herro?
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202. Perhaps we can be ready sooner.
Copy !req
203. Yes, perhaps you can.
Copy !req
204. Now, take your weapons
of mass destruction
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205. and get the fuck out of here.
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206. I had to come back.
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207. - I know you did, son.
- I still say this is a fucking mistake.
Copy !req
208. Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're
making him feel intimidated.
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209. Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.
Copy !req
210. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us
the attack is imminent.
Copy !req
211. We need you to act like
a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.
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212. There's just one problem.
I don't look Middle Eastern.
Copy !req
213. Leave that to us.
Copy !req
214. Sarah's a professional at skin grafting
and laser valmoriphication.
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215. Just try to be still.
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216. Amazing.
Copy !req
217. The valmoriphication
completely worked.
Copy !req
218. Sit up and take a look, Gary.
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219. It's uncanny.
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220. You're going to fool everyone, Gary.
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221. Or should I say,
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222. Hakmed.
Copy !req
223. All right, team, we've only got
one shot at this, so listen up.
Copy !req
224. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
has intercepted communications
Copy !req
225. that terrorists from different countries
are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo.
Copy !req
226. Cairo. That's in Egypt.
Copy !req
227. Exactly right, Joe.
Copy !req
228. Now, team, your mission will be
to get Gary into that tavern.
Copy !req
229. And once he's on the inside,
cover his back.
Copy !req
230. Gary, you must use your acting
Copy !req
231. to find out any information you can
from the terrorists.
Copy !req
232. Gary, if for some reason
your cover is blown
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233. and the terrorists take you prisoner,
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234. well, you'll probably want
to take your own life.
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235. Here, you'd better have this.
Copy !req
236. All right, team, that's it.
We've got a job to do.
Copy !req
237. Let's go police the world.
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238. America
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239. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
240. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Copy !req
241. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
242. Freedom is the only way, yeah
Copy !req
243. Terrorists, your game is through
Copy !req
244. 'Cause now you have to answer to
Copy !req
245. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
246. So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
Copy !req
247. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
248. What if the old man is wrong
about him, huh?
Copy !req
249. What if he's not the great actor
Spottswoode says he is?
Copy !req
250. Why don't you trust actors, Chris?
Copy !req
251. I got my reasons.
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252. You all right, Gary?
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253. I was just thinking.
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254. Onstage, if I mess up a line,
it could mean a bad review.
Copy !req
255. If I mess up here,
Copy !req
256. we're all dead.
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257. I believe you can do this, Gary.
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258. Why? What reason do you
have to believe?
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259. Sometimes believing is all we have.
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260. Fear not, Muslim friends.
We're here to find terrorists.
Copy !req
261. I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.
Copy !req
262. All right, good job, Sarah.
Now, everyone make for the tavern.
Copy !req
263. Let's get one thing straight, actor.
I don't trust you.
Copy !req
264. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking
balls off and stuff them up your ass
Copy !req
265. so that the next time you shit,
you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Copy !req
266. - What's your problem with me?
- Yeah, you wanna go?
Copy !req
267. Guys, guys, guys!
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268. Don't you see this is just
what the terrorists want us to do?
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269. The war is out there, man. Out there.
Now, pull it together.
Copy !req
270. All right, team, let's move
to the inner city. Keep it quiet.
Copy !req
271. - Clear.
- Clear.
Copy !req
272. All right, Gary, you follow me.
The rest of the team,
Copy !req
273. take super-secret hiding positions
Alpha One.
Copy !req
274. All right, that's the tavern
with the blue door.
Copy !req
275. Act your way past those guards
and see what you can find out.
Copy !req
276. Remember, if you think they're
onto you, give us the signal.
Copy !req
277. You remember the signal?
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278. That's right. All right, good luck.
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279. Go get them, cowboy.
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280. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
281. Come on, Gary, act.
You have the power.
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282. - All right, Gary!
- Told you he was top-gun.
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283. - I've never seen acting that good.
- He's amazing.
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284. Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible.
Copy !req
285. We are Bashir rebels from
the country of Somalia. Who are you?
Copy !req
286. My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.
Copy !req
287. Anybody know of any terrorist attacks
coming up soon?
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288. I sense that I'm becoming
attracted to Gary.
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289. My advice is not to get involved
with a team member, Sarah.
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290. It's too painful to see them die.
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291. I'm sorry, Lisa.
I didn't mean to bring up...
Copy !req
292. It's okay, Sarah.
I treasure your friendship.
Copy !req
293. I treasure yours, Lisa.
Copy !req
294. Hey, have you ever thought
of telling Sarah how you feel?
Copy !req
295. What would a girl like Sarah want
with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
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296. I don't know nothing about fancy cars
and fancy restaurants.
Copy !req
297. Still, I'd love to show her
a full-moon night on the cornfields.
Copy !req
298. What do you know?
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299. I heard there might be
a large terrorist attack.
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300. If you tell me what it is,
maybe I could help out.
Copy !req
301. Get out of here. We have put out
a jihad on the infidels
Copy !req
302. because they destroyed our lives.
Copy !req
303. What do you know
about pain and sadness?
Copy !req
304. Gary. Help me! Help me!
Copy !req
305. Get him off!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
Copy !req
306. I was just a boy when the infidels
came to my village
Copy !req
307. in their BLACK HAWK helicopters.
Copy !req
308. The infidels fired at the oil fields
and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.
Copy !req
309. Burning oil rained down from the sky
and cooked everything it touched.
Copy !req
310. I could only hide myself and cry
as my goats were consumed
Copy !req
311. by the fiery, black liquid death.
Copy !req
312. In the midst of the chaos,
Copy !req
313. I could swear that I heard my goats
screaming for help.
Copy !req
314. As quickly as they had come,
the infidels were gone.
Copy !req
315. It was on that day I put a jihad on them.
Copy !req
316. And if you don't believe it,
then you better kill me now,
Copy !req
317. because I'll put a jihad on you, too.
Copy !req
318. I like you. You have balls.
Copy !req
319. I like balls.
Copy !req
320. All right, listen carefully.
The WMDs are located
Copy !req
321. in a secret bunker 20 yards east
of this building.
Copy !req
322. You can help us by guarding it
and making...
Copy !req
323. Come. They're onto us!
Copy !req
324. Hurry, friend.
We must make our escape.
Copy !req
325. Shit. I've got five terrorists going
southeast on Baka laka daka Street.
Copy !req
326. Don't let them get away.
Copy !req
327. I sense Gary's trapped
inside the tavern.
Copy !req
328. Copy, Sarah. You get Gary,
we'll go after the terrorists.
Copy !req
329. America
Copy !req
330. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
331. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Copy !req
332. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
333. Freedom is the only way, yeah
Copy !req
334. It's the dream that we all share
Copy !req
335. It's the hope for tomorrow
Copy !req
336. Go faster, you idiot.
Copy !req
337. Die! Infidels!
Copy !req
338. - They're not stopping.
- They had their chance.
Copy !req
339. Missed. Wide right.
Copy !req
340. One of the terrorists is trying
to tell us something.
Copy !req
341. It's me. It's me.
Copy !req
342. Looks like he's saying,
"Kiss me. Kiss me."
Copy !req
343. Smartass motherfucker.
Copy !req
344. - Gary?
- An infidel.
Copy !req
345. Kill her.
Copy !req
346. Gary?
Copy !req
347. - Sarah to Team America 4.
- What you got, Sarah?
Copy !req
348. Gary isn't in the tavern.
I think he may be with...
Copy !req
349. - Say again, Sarah. You're breaking up.
- Joe, do you copy?
Copy !req
350. - I'll get him.
- Lisa?
Copy !req
351. I lost her.
Copy !req
352. It's all right. We'll kill these guys,
then we'll find out what she wants.
Copy !req
353. Right.
Copy !req
354. Hey, guys, I think we should pull over.
Copy !req
355. Pull over? Yes, of course.
Copy !req
356. Pull over, let them pass us, and when
they turn around, we charge them.
Copy !req
357. I love your balls.
Copy !req
358. Shit, they got by me.
Copy !req
359. - What are we doing?
- This jeep is filled with explosives.
Copy !req
360. We're going to take their lives
and our own.
Copy !req
361. We're gonna what?
Copy !req
362. - Hang on, Joe.
- Die, infidels.
Copy !req
363. Surprise, cockfags!
Copy !req
364. All right. We fucking did it.
Copy !req
365. Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found
the WMDs and the terrorists are down.
Copy !req
366. Great job, team. Head back to base
for debriefing and cocktails.
Copy !req
367. This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
Copy !req
368. Team America has once again
pissed off the entire world
Copy !req
369. after blowing up half of Cairo.
Copy !req
370. And now some Hollywood celebrities
are lashing out.
Copy !req
371. Alec Baldwin is head
of the Film Actors Guild.
Copy !req
372. The Film Actors Guild believes
Copy !req
373. that what the world needs
is compassion, not violence.
Copy !req
374. All that Team America
does is create new enemies.
Copy !req
375. Let me explain to you how this works.
Copy !req
376. You see, the corporations
finance Team America.
Copy !req
377. And then Team America goes out,
and the corporations sit there in their...
Copy !req
378. In their corporation buildings,
and, see, they're all corporation-y,
Copy !req
379. and they make money.
Copy !req
380. Last year I went to Iraq.
Copy !req
381. Before Team America showed up,
it was a happy place.
Copy !req
382. They had flowery meadows
and rainbow skies
Copy !req
383. and rivers made of chocolate,
where the children danced
Copy !req
384. and laughed and played
with gumdrop smiles.
Copy !req
385. The actors are calling
for an emergency meeting.
Copy !req
386. Already expected to attend
are Helen Hunt,
Copy !req
387. George Clooney, Liv Tyler,
Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,
Copy !req
388. Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon.
Copy !req
389. Matt Damon.
Copy !req
390. In the meantime, the world wants
to deal with dangerous individuals
Copy !req
391. their own way.
Copy !req
392. Hans Brix? Oh, no.
Copy !req
393. Oh, herro,
great to see you again, Hans.
Copy !req
394. Mr II, I was supposed to be allowed
to inspect your palace today,
Copy !req
395. and your guards won't let me into
certain areas.
Copy !req
396. Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been
through this a dozen times.
Copy !req
397. I don't have any weapons
of mass destruction, okay, Hans?
Copy !req
398. Then let me look around
so I can ease the UN's collective mind.
Copy !req
399. Hans, you're breaking my barrs here.
Hans, you're breaking my barrs.
Copy !req
400. I'm sorry, but the UN must be
firm with you.
Copy !req
401. Let me see your whole palace, or else.
Copy !req
402. Or else what?
Copy !req
403. Or else we will be very,
very angry with you.
Copy !req
404. And we will write you a letter
telling you how angry we are.
Copy !req
405. Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready?
Copy !req
406. Stand a rittle to your reft.
Copy !req
407. A rittle more.
Copy !req
408. Good.
Copy !req
409. There you go, Hans Brix.
Copy !req
410. How you rike that,
you fucking cocksucker?
Copy !req
411. Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?
Copy !req
412. Well, fuck you. You want inspection?
Copy !req
413. Well, inspect that,
you buttfucking piece of shit.
Copy !req
414. What, you think I'm just
a petty arms dearer?
Copy !req
415. I'm pranning the attack.
Copy !req
416. Congraturations, Team America,
you have stopped nothing.
Copy !req
417. Congratulations, Gary.
You've done an amazing thing.
Copy !req
418. It will be years before the terrorists
have the resources to attack again.
Copy !req
419. We're gonna be unstoppable
with you on the team, Gary.
Copy !req
420. Terrorists, your game is through.
Copy !req
421. You're the best, Gary.
Copy !req
422. So this terrorist is shooting at us
from the back of his jeep, and he...
Copy !req
423. You might have all the others fooled,
but not me.
Copy !req
424. Your acting was reckless
and it put us all in danger.
Copy !req
425. The next time you pull a stunt like that,
I'll drill two holes through your dick
Copy !req
426. so that when you pee, it shoots out
in all different directions. You got it?
Copy !req
427. Hey, Sarah, do you mind
if I dance with you?
Copy !req
428. No, of course not, Joe.
Copy !req
429. Joe, do you think it's okay
for team members to date?
Copy !req
430. Sarah, really?
Copy !req
431. Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
Copy !req
432. I think it's better than all right. It's great!
Copy !req
433. Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.
Copy !req
434. Gary? You okay?
Copy !req
435. I was just wondering if I can let go
of an old, painful memory.
Copy !req
436. Is it anything that you wanna talk about?
Copy !req
437. When I was a kid, I always looked up
to my older brother, Tommy.
Copy !req
438. He was the jock,
and I was the little performer.
Copy !req
439. We were all out at the zoo one day.
Copy !req
440. I was doing some acting, walking
on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.
Copy !req
441. I fell in.
Copy !req
442. Everyone screamed,
and Tommy jumped in after me,
Copy !req
443. forgetting that he had blueberries
in his front pocket.
Copy !req
444. The gorillas just went wild.
Copy !req
445. They jumped all over his body
and threw him around like a rag doll
Copy !req
446. to get to those blueberries.
Copy !req
447. One gorilla would throw him to another
gorilla, who tossed him to another.
Copy !req
448. Everyone panicked and cried out
for somebody to help,
Copy !req
449. but it was too late.
Copy !req
450. The gorillas beat him to death before
the zookeepers could gas them all.
Copy !req
451. My acting
Copy !req
452. got my brother killed.
Copy !req
453. I've had to live with that
Copy !req
454. every single day.
Copy !req
455. Gary, you can't blame yourself
for what gorillas did.
Copy !req
456. I think I can finally let it go.
Copy !req
457. Because my acting
saved the entire world.
Copy !req
458. And something even better happened.
Copy !req
459. What?
Copy !req
460. I met somebody
who took my breath away.
Copy !req
461. Gary, no.
Copy !req
462. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
463. It's just...
Things are really complicated, Gary.
Copy !req
464. I know about Carson.
Copy !req
465. I know how it feels.
Copy !req
466. God, I'm so confused.
Copy !req
467. It's too soon to be
having feelings for you.
Copy !req
468. Maybe feelings are feelings
because we can't control them.
Copy !req
469. But I have to control them
Copy !req
470. because I can't go through losing
somebody again. It's too painful.
Copy !req
471. So... So, what, you're just
gonna shut down?
Copy !req
472. I really like you.
Copy !req
473. There's no chance
we can ever be together?
Copy !req
474. Only if you could promise me
you'll never die.
Copy !req
475. You know I can't promise that.
Copy !req
476. If you did that,
I would make love to you right now.
Copy !req
477. I promise. I will never die.
Copy !req
478. I need this, I need love
I need you
Copy !req
479. I don't need one heartbeat
I need two
Copy !req
480. There's an emptiness I need to fill
Copy !req
481. And only one emptiness will do
Copy !req
482. Only a woman
Can brighten up my day
Copy !req
483. Only a woman
Can touch me the right way, yeah
Copy !req
484. Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me there
Copy !req
485. All I ask
Is that you're a woman
Copy !req
486. Lisa, you're the most amazing person
I've ever met.
Copy !req
487. It's only been a short time,
but I think that I'm completely in love...
Copy !req
488. Let's not talk.
Copy !req
489. I can't help it. This just feels so right,
Copy !req
490. and I don't want anything to mess it up.
Copy !req
491. There's not a thing in the world
that can mess this up.
Copy !req
492. Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.
Copy !req
493. At 7:15 this morning,
the terrorists carried out their attack.
Copy !req
494. - What?
- But how can that be?
Copy !req
495. Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
Copy !req
496. It appears now that
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong
Copy !req
497. about the Chechnyans being in charge.
Copy !req
498. That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Copy !req
499. - Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
500. We have to find out who did this
and take them down. Fast.
Copy !req
501. Sir, I am intercepting communications
about the terrorists' identities.
Copy !req
502. On screen.
Copy !req
503. This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.
Copy !req
504. An attack in Panama today
has left thousands dead.
Copy !req
505. Taking credit were terrorists
from Derka Derkastan.
Copy !req
506. Of course, Derka Derkastan.
Copy !req
507. The terrorists claim that the attack
was a retaliation
Copy !req
508. for Team America's actions in Cairo.
Copy !req
509. Alec Baldwin is rallying all
the members of the Film Actors Guild.
Copy !req
510. - Alec Baldwin?
- Gary?
Copy !req
511. He's my hero.
Copy !req
512. The single greatest actor of all time.
Copy !req
513. Who is to blame for these attacks
in Panama?
Copy !req
514. The terrorists?
Copy !req
515. The person who supplied them
with WMDs?
Copy !req
516. No. Blame Team America.
Copy !req
517. Their reckless disregard in Cairo
brought on this violence today.
Copy !req
518. Team America, the blood of the victims
of Panama is on your hands.
Copy !req
519. Moved by Baldwin's
impassioned speech,
Copy !req
520. hundreds of people turned out
at Mount Rushmore today to protest.
Copy !req
521. Hey, that's here.
Copy !req
522. Tom, it looks like filmmaker
Michael Moore
Copy !req
523. is also jumping on the
"Fuck Team America" bandwagon.
Copy !req
524. Protesting is not enough.
Copy !req
525. We must take radical action against
the fascists in our own country.
Copy !req
526. Bring it down! Bring it all down!
Copy !req
527. Team, if the Derka Derkastanis
have weapons of mass destruction,
Copy !req
528. I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1,000.
Copy !req
529. - Jesus, you mean...
- Yes.
Copy !req
530. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Copy !req
531. Then forget all these assholes.
We got work to do.
Copy !req
532. Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized
so he can use his acting.
Copy !req
533. My acting?
Copy !req
534. My acting? My acting just got
a thousand people killed.
Copy !req
535. Jesus, I've done it again.
Copy !req
536. Pull yourself together, Gary.
We need you now more than ever.
Copy !req
537. - I'm through with this.
- Gary, you can't go.
Copy !req
538. Without you, the team is doomed.
Copy !req
539. Remember, there is no "I"
in Team America.
Copy !req
540. Yes, there is.
Copy !req
541. I know it's hard, Gary.
Copy !req
542. But you're still the only hope
to stop these newer terrorists.
Copy !req
543. Why me? Why am I the only one?
Copy !req
544. Because you're the one
with the power to...
Copy !req
545. Well, I don't want the fucking power!
Copy !req
546. I don't want the guilt,
I don't want the shame
Copy !req
547. and I don't want the responsibility.
Copy !req
548. Then what about all the things
you promised last night?
Copy !req
549. You said you'd never leave.
Copy !req
550. I said I'd never die.
But now I'm dead inside.
Copy !req
551. You slept with Gary?
Copy !req
552. - Sarah.
- But you knew I liked Gary.
Copy !req
553. I told you.
Copy !req
554. You like Gary?
Copy !req
555. Oh, I see.
Copy !req
556. - I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.
- Save it, Lisa.
Copy !req
557. You see? All I do is hurt people.
Copy !req
558. Gary, you didn't kill your brother.
Those gorillas did.
Copy !req
559. I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am.
Copy !req
560. I'm just bad news.
Copy !req
561. I'll never act again.
Copy !req
562. Fuck him. We don't need an actor.
Copy !req
563. We can take out the Derka
Derkastanis the old-fashioned way.
Copy !req
564. No. It would be a suicide mission.
Copy !req
565. That's all right.
I feel a little bit like dying.
Copy !req
566. God damn it, Gary.
Copy !req
567. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
568. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Copy !req
569. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
570. Freedom is the only way
Yeah
Copy !req
571. Terrorists, your game is through
Copy !req
572. 'Cause now you have to answer to
Copy !req
573. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
574. America
Fuck
Copy !req
575. Gary! Help me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!
Copy !req
576. All right, team.
We're nearing Derka Derkastan.
Copy !req
577. Let's get ready.
Copy !req
578. Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.
Copy !req
579. There's only five of them, team.
This should be easy.
Copy !req
580. I've got Korean aircraft at one o'clock.
Copy !req
581. What are they doing here?
Copy !req
582. Shoot them down. Rike dogs.
Copy !req
583. Kim Jong II?
Why is he helping terrorists?
Copy !req
584. I've got one on my tail!
Copy !req
585. I got you, Sarah.
Copy !req
586. Bring in the submarines.
Copy !req
587. What the hell? Something's shooting
at us from the water.
Copy !req
588. - It must be a Korean sub.
- Chris, you've gotta take them out.
Copy !req
589. I'm already on it.
Copy !req
590. These guys really snuck up on us.
Copy !req
591. Yeah, there's a lot of that
going around lately.
Copy !req
592. Sarah, you know I didn't mean
to hurt you.
Copy !req
593. No, you just didn't care if you did.
Copy !req
594. Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair.
Copy !req
595. Lisa can't help it
if Gary has feelings for her.
Copy !req
596. Just like nobody can help it
if you have feelings for Gary.
Copy !req
597. What is that supposed to mean?
Copy !req
598. Oh, come on, Sarah.
You mean you never realized
Copy !req
599. Joe has feelings for you?
Copy !req
600. Joe? But you're like a brother to me.
Copy !req
601. That's all I ever am. Like a brother.
It isn't fair.
Copy !req
602. Hang on, team.
Someone has broken into the hangar.
Copy !req
603. - Baxter?
- Hey, Team America.
Copy !req
604. I got something for you.
Copy !req
605. - What the hell?
- Prepare to die.
Copy !req
606. Jesus titty-fucking...
Copy !req
607. Christ!
Copy !req
608. Spottswoode!
Copy !req
609. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
610. No. He can't be dead.
Copy !req
611. We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Copy !req
612. I repeat,
we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Copy !req
613. Their computers are down. Attack!
Copy !req
614. - Sarah!
- I sense I'm going down.
Copy !req
615. Sarah! God, Chris, you gotta help her.
Copy !req
616. I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.
Copy !req
617. Oh, fuck, I've been hit.
Copy !req
618. Chris, come in.
Copy !req
619. - Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!
- Lisa!
Copy !req
620. - Going down.
- God damn it,
Copy !req
621. I'm gonna have to breach.
Copy !req
622. I'm gonna hit the water.
Copy !req
623. Missile lock. I've got missile lock.
Copy !req
624. I've gotta bail out.
Copy !req
625. Salvage their ships. If you find anyone
arive, you know what to do with them.
Copy !req
626. Terrorists on screen.
Copy !req
627. Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?
Copy !req
628. We were angry about Cairo.
Copy !req
629. God damn it, how many times
do I have to tell you?
Copy !req
630. You don't use the WMDs
until you see the signal.
Copy !req
631. I have worked ten years on this pran.
Copy !req
632. It is a very precise
and a compricated pran.
Copy !req
633. I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up.
Copy !req
634. Now, take the weapons where I told you
Copy !req
635. and wait for the goddamn signal
this time. Goodbye.
Copy !req
636. Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
Copy !req
637. Why aren't more people interrigent?
Rike me?
Copy !req
638. I'm so ronery
Copy !req
639. So ronery
Copy !req
640. So ronery and sadry arone
Copy !req
641. There's no one
Just me onry
Copy !req
642. Sitting on my rittle throne
Copy !req
643. I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
Copy !req
644. But nobody ristens
No one understands
Copy !req
645. Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
Copy !req
646. And so
Copy !req
647. I'm ronery
Copy !req
648. A rittle ronery
Copy !req
649. Poor rittle me
Copy !req
650. There's nobody I can rerate to
Copy !req
651. Feel rike a bird in a cage
Copy !req
652. It's kind of sirry
But not rearry
Copy !req
653. Because it's firring my body
With rage
Copy !req
654. I'm the smartest, most crever
Most physicarry fit
Copy !req
655. But nobody else seems to rearise it
Copy !req
656. When I change the world
Maybe they'll notice me
Copy !req
657. And until then
Copy !req
658. I'll just be ronery
Copy !req
659. Yeah, a rittle ronery
Copy !req
660. Poor rittle me
Copy !req
661. I'm so ronery
Copy !req
662. What would you do
Copy !req
663. If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?
Copy !req
664. What would you do if asked
To make the ultimate sacrifice?
Copy !req
665. Hey, weren't you the actor
in that Broadway show?
Copy !req
666. Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene
where everyone gets AIDS:
Copy !req
667. I don't act any more. I gave that up.
Copy !req
668. - Oh, come on, man, just a scene.
- I said, get away from me!
Copy !req
669. I'm completely lost. I've hit rock bottom.
Copy !req
670. Easy, easy.
You gotta calm down there, Chuck.
Copy !req
671. I hurt people. I'm a dick.
Copy !req
672. Well, being a dick ain't so bad.
Copy !req
673. See, there are three kinds of people,
Copy !req
674. dicks, pussies and assholes.
Copy !req
675. Pussies think everyone can get along
and dicks just wanna fuck all the time
Copy !req
676. without thinking it through.
Copy !req
677. But then you got your assholes, Chuck.
Copy !req
678. And all the assholes want
is to shit all over everything.
Copy !req
679. So pussies may get mad at dicks
once in a while
Copy !req
680. because pussies get fucked by dicks.
Copy !req
681. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.
Copy !req
682. And if they didn't fuck the assholes,
you know what you'd get?
Copy !req
683. You'd get your dick and your pussy
all covered in shit.
Copy !req
684. All right, that does it.
Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.
Copy !req
685. Get out of here, I said.
Copy !req
686. Lisa!
Copy !req
687. Lisa. Lisa, are you here?
Copy !req
688. Get out of the street, you fucking bum!
Copy !req
689. You gave up on life, didn't you?
Copy !req
690. My fellow actors, we live in a dark time.
Copy !req
691. The world is becoming more
and more violent
Copy !req
692. and the idiots in charge
are making it worse.
Copy !req
693. What the world needs is
an international advisory committee
Copy !req
694. who truly understands global politics.
Copy !req
695. Namely, us.
Copy !req
696. The time has come for us
to start using our acting talents
Copy !req
697. in a different way.
Copy !req
698. Yes, we can use our powers
to change the world.
Copy !req
699. We will persuade everyone
to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.
Copy !req
700. If we focus our acting on global politics,
Copy !req
701. we can change everything and stuff.
Copy !req
702. As actors, it is our responsibility
to read the newspapers
Copy !req
703. and then say what we read
on television like it's our own opinion.
Copy !req
704. Matt Damon.
Copy !req
705. We've all done action films.
Copy !req
706. If anyone tries to get in our way,
we'll show them just how tough
Copy !req
707. us actors really are.
Copy !req
708. I'm glad you all agree.
Copy !req
709. Because I've just been contacted
by a very important political leader
Copy !req
710. who is bringing all
the world leaders together
Copy !req
711. for a massive
international peace conference.
Copy !req
712. And he wants us to be
the keynote speakers.
Copy !req
713. Matt Damon!
Copy !req
714. Say hello to our new partner.
Copy !req
715. Herro.
Copy !req
716. Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!
Copy !req
717. I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Copy !req
718. You're not in a position to kill anyone,
my red, white and brue friend.
Copy !req
719. So you're the bastard
planning 9/11 times 1,000.
Copy !req
720. No. You think so small.
Copy !req
721. You see, I'm about to have
an eraborate peace ceremony.
Copy !req
722. And while all the world's most
important people are distracted here,
Copy !req
723. I will detonate the WMDs
Copy !req
724. which I have given to terrorists
arr around the grobe.
Copy !req
725. It will be 9/11 times 2,356.
Copy !req
726. My God, that's...
I don't even know what that is.
Copy !req
727. Nobody does.
Copy !req
728. You heartless bastard.
Why would you do such a thing?
Copy !req
729. Because then there will be barance.
Copy !req
730. Every country will be
a Third World country.
Copy !req
731. Just imagine it.
Copy !req
732. All around the world, there will be
massive exprosions.
Copy !req
733. With nobody to guide them,
Copy !req
734. the people will break out into panic
and rioting all over the Earth.
Copy !req
735. The true nature of humanity
is unreashed.
Copy !req
736. Dog eats dog,
as everyone attacks everyone
Copy !req
737. and fends only for themselves.
Copy !req
738. Grobal stabirity unravels.
Copy !req
739. By the time my show is over,
it will be far too rate.
Copy !req
740. Your plan will fail.
Copy !req
741. You'll never keep the world leaders
distracted here for nine hours.
Copy !req
742. Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.
Copy !req
743. Dear God.
Copy !req
744. You are the rast of a dying breed,
the frag-waving American.
Copy !req
745. Well, your rittle dream
will soon be over.
Copy !req
746. I must get back to pranning
the ceremony now.
Copy !req
747. The film actors are on their way.
Copy !req
748. Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.
Copy !req
749. Having so little faith in humanity
must make you a very lonely man.
Copy !req
750. You shall have a front-row seat.
Copy !req
751. Bring her upstairs.
Copy !req
752. Leave her alone, you son of a bitch!
Copy !req
753. Lisa, I treasure your friendship!
Copy !req
754. Somebody has to stop this!
Copy !req
755. I miss you more than Michael Bay
missed the mark
Copy !req
756. When he made Pearl Harbor
Copy !req
757. I miss you more than that movie
missed the point
Copy !req
758. And that's an awful lot, girl
And now
Copy !req
759. Now you've gone away
Copy !req
760. And all I'm trying to say
Copy !req
761. Is Pearl Harbor sucked
Copy !req
762. And I miss you
Copy !req
763. I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
Copy !req
764. He was terrible in that film
Copy !req
765. I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger part
Copy !req
766. He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
Copy !req
767. All I can think about is your smile
Copy !req
768. And that shitty movie, too
Copy !req
769. Pearl Harbor sucked
Copy !req
770. And I miss you
Copy !req
771. Pearl Harbor sucked
Copy !req
772. Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
Copy !req
773. Oh, my God. What the hell happened?
Copy !req
774. Hello? Anybody?
Copy !req
775. Greetings, Mr Johnston.
Copy !req
776. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.,
what the hell happened?
Copy !req
777. Our base was attacked by
a giant socialist weasel.
Copy !req
778. But where's the team?
Copy !req
779. They have been taken prisoner
by Kim Jong II in North Korea.
Copy !req
780. I have intercepted communications
that he is planning
Copy !req
781. the massive attack
during a peace ceremony.
Copy !req
782. Don't move, protester,
or I'll blow your commie brains out.
Copy !req
783. - Spottswoode.
- Johnston?
Copy !req
784. What the hell are you doing here?
Copy !req
785. Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Copy !req
786. I'm using it to blow up North Korea.
Copy !req
787. No! The team is in North Korea.
Copy !req
788. I know. And so are the triggers
to WMDs poised all around the globe.
Copy !req
789. My only option now
is to blow up Kim Jong II
Copy !req
790. and everything around him
before he can set them off.
Copy !req
791. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate
detonation sequence on the ships.
Copy !req
792. You'll kill them all.
Copy !req
793. It's what they would
want me to do, Gary.
Copy !req
794. They would happily give their lives
for the good of the world,
Copy !req
795. - something you don't understand!
- There has to be another way.
Copy !req
796. There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong II.
Copy !req
797. Let me go.
Copy !req
798. You? You're a buttfucking quitter.
Copy !req
799. You walked out, Gary. The team went
on a mission without you.
Copy !req
800. And without an actor,
they were like pigs to the slaughter.
Copy !req
801. I'm supposed to leave
the fate of the world in your hands?
Copy !req
802. I know I walked out,
but I'd do anything to take it back.
Copy !req
803. - Please, just let me help.
- You've done enough.
Copy !req
804. Please, Spottswoode,
you have to believe in me.
Copy !req
805. I want to believe in you, Gary,
I really do.
Copy !req
806. But you've let me down before.
Copy !req
807. Please, how can I make you trust me?
Copy !req
808. I remember the first time we met.
Copy !req
809. You were a simple Broadway actor
afraid to get in my limo
Copy !req
810. because you thought I wanted you
to perform oral sex on me.
Copy !req
811. Do you remember that?
Copy !req
812. Yeah.
Copy !req
813. And now the tables are turned,
and I don't know if I can trust you.
Copy !req
814. Just give me a chance.
Copy !req
815. All right, I'll trust you.
Copy !req
816. But only if you
Copy !req
817. will perform oral sex on me.
Copy !req
818. - What?
- Right here, right now.
Copy !req
819. - You can't be serious.
- Oh, I am serious.
Copy !req
820. Look, this is my serious face.
Copy !req
821. - What will that prove?
- It will prove that you are truly ready
Copy !req
822. to lay everything on the line.
Copy !req
823. To throw away all your inhibitions
and give 100 %.
Copy !req
824. We must go back to that first night
we met, that first issue of trust.
Copy !req
825. - Don't you see?
- No. I thought you weren't gay.
Copy !req
826. This isn't about sex, Gary,
it's about trust.
Copy !req
827. It's the eye of the needle, Gary,
and we must both pass through it.
Copy !req
828. Okay, let's do it.
Copy !req
829. I'll make sure nobody's watching.
Copy !req
830. Yeah, it looks clear.
Copy !req
831. Okay, go.
Copy !req
832. There must be another way.
Copy !req
833. I guess you won't do everything
to take it all back, will you, Gary?
Copy !req
834. No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.
Copy !req
835. You're saying if I do that,
you'll let me help the team?
Copy !req
836. I'll give you all the time I can.
Copy !req
837. Okay, let's do it.
Copy !req
838. Here we go.
Copy !req
839. And go.
Copy !req
840. You are dedicated.
Copy !req
841. Now, let's go get cleaned up.
Copy !req
842. If you're going to storm Kim Jong II's
palace single-handed,
Copy !req
843. we have to make you
a complete soldier in very little time.
Copy !req
844. How we gonna do that?
Copy !req
845. I think I know just what we need.
Copy !req
846. The hour's approaching
To give it your best
Copy !req
847. And you've got to reach your prime
Copy !req
848. That's when you need
to put yourself to the test
Copy !req
849. And show us a passage of time
Copy !req
850. - We're gonna need a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
851. - It takes a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
852. Show a lot of things
Happening at once
Copy !req
853. Remind everyone
Of what's going on
Copy !req
854. And with every shot
Show a little improvement
Copy !req
855. To show it all would take too long
Copy !req
856. - That's called a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
857. - Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
858. In anything, if you want to go
Copy !req
859. From just a beginner to a pro
Copy !req
860. - You need a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
861. - Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
862. - Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
863. If you fade out
It seems like more time has passed
Copy !req
864. - In a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
865. Radies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
866. The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II
are preased to welcome you
Copy !req
867. to the International
World Peace Ceremony.
Copy !req
868. The most important people
from every country
Copy !req
869. are gathered here in soridarity
to cerebrate peace.
Copy !req
870. There will be music, dancing
and, of course,
Copy !req
871. the biggest stars in Horrywood.
Copy !req
872. In the box to your reft is the
mastermind of this spectacurar show,
Copy !req
873. the multitarented Kim Jong II.
Copy !req
874. Oh, herro.
Copy !req
875. And now we present to you
the very best in North Korean music.
Copy !req
876. Ten years of pranning,
and finarry the night is here.
Copy !req
877. The terrorists know to be in position by
the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.
Copy !req
878. That's when I trigger all the WMDs
to go off at the same time.
Copy !req
879. When you see Arec Barrwin,
Copy !req
880. you will see the true ugriness
of human nature.
Copy !req
881. Your plan will never work.
Something will stop it.
Copy !req
882. You stupid, naive Team Americans.
Copy !req
883. You berieve in true rove
and happy endings
Copy !req
884. even while the world around you
spirals downward.
Copy !req
885. Sometimes believing is all we have.
Copy !req
886. And as the leaders of your countries,
you have the power
Copy !req
887. to bring the world together under
the principles of the Film Actors Guild.
Copy !req
888. You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.
Copy !req
889. Ten minutes, Mr Baldwin.
Copy !req
890. Who the hell you?
Copy !req
891. I'm with the Film Actors Guild.
I'm here to help with the broadcast.
Copy !req
892. Then you show credentials.
Copy !req
893. Hey, you don't need to see
my credentials.
Copy !req
894. I left them at home and I'm running late.
Copy !req
895. - I berieve him.
- Yeah, me, too.
Copy !req
896. Okay, have a nice day.
Copy !req
897. My God, his acting is better than ever.
Copy !req
898. Don't worry, fellas,
I've got my pass right here.
Copy !req
899. Please, Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins,
Copy !req
900. you don't understand
what Kim Jong II is doing.
Copy !req
901. Shut up. We have explicit instructions
to watch you.
Copy !req
902. - Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.
- We're guards.
Copy !req
903. - We're guards, huh? We're guards.
- We're guards.
Copy !req
904. Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins. Someone
has broken into the main hall.
Copy !req
905. What? Come on, Martin!
Copy !req
906. - Gary?
- What the fuck are you doing here?
Copy !req
907. Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa?
Copy !req
908. What the heck do you care?
You walked out on her.
Copy !req
909. Look, I wanna make things right.
Copy !req
910. Here, Spottswoode's monitoring
from the base.
Copy !req
911. - Spottswoode is dead, Gary.
- Not as dead as you think.
Copy !req
912. - Spottswoode!
- Yes, I'm here, Joe.
Copy !req
913. - All right, you're alive!
- Great to hear your voices again.
Copy !req
914. Now we've got to get Lisa
and stop Kim Jong II.
Copy !req
915. I'm not going anywhere
with this fucking traitor.
Copy !req
916. What makes you think
we'll take you back, douchebag?
Copy !req
917. - We're doing this without you!
- Now, hold on, team.
Copy !req
918. Gary has already proven to me
Copy !req
919. that he is 100 % committed to the team.
Copy !req
920. He proved it last night
by sucking my cock.
Copy !req
921. All right. Come on, team,
we gotta find that stage.
Copy !req
922. Rook how much they rove my show.
The entire audience is so captivated.
Copy !req
923. And now you see,
the new world is inevitabre.
Copy !req
924. - It's what?
- Inevitabre.
Copy !req
925. - One more time.
- Inevitabre!
Copy !req
926. Things are inevitabry going to change.
Copy !req
927. God damn it, open your fucking ears.
Copy !req
928. - Five minutes, Mr Baldwin.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
929. - Alec, we have a problem.
- Team America escaped.
Copy !req
930. What? You fools.
They'll ruin everything.
Copy !req
931. We better warn everyone.
They'll be headed here.
Copy !req
932. No. We can't look weak and powerless.
Copy !req
933. If violence is all those bastards
understand, then violence they'll get.
Copy !req
934. Every actor, grab a gun
and keep Team America
Copy !req
935. from reaching this ceremony
at all costs.
Copy !req
936. I swear they won't reach this stage.
Copy !req
937. Jesus! What have we got?
Copy !req
938. Looks like George Clooney
and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.
Copy !req
939. Look out, it's Ethan Hawke
and Janeane Garofalo.
Copy !req
940. Drop your weapons.
Copy !req
941. Fucking die!
Copy !req
942. We gotta split up.
Copy !req
943. Sarah, you and Gary go that way.
Chris and I will go right.
Copy !req
944. No, I think I'd rather team up
with you, Joe.
Copy !req
945. I guess you're with me, cockfag.
Copy !req
946. - Danny Glover!
- Come on, Penn.
Copy !req
947. - We must protect the show.
- Right.
Copy !req
948. - The stage must be that way.
- No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!
Copy !req
949. Very impressive, warmongers.
Copy !req
950. Now let's see how Kim Jong II's
panthers treat you.
Copy !req
951. I went to Iraq, you know!
Copy !req
952. - Susan Sarandon.
- Oh, thank God.
Copy !req
953. We have to stop the ceremony.
Kim Jong II is mad.
Copy !req
954. Here, let me loose.
I'll show you where the theatre is.
Copy !req
955. - All right.
- No, Chris, stay away from her.
Copy !req
956. - Fuck you. She wants to help us.
- No, Chris, she's acting.
Copy !req
957. I am not. The others tied me up
Copy !req
958. because I wouldn't go along
with their plans.
Copy !req
959. Your skills are fading with age,
Miss Sarandon.
Copy !req
960. You shall die a peasant's death!
Copy !req
961. Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
Copy !req
962. I could've sworn
she was telling the truth.
Copy !req
963. That's why they call it acting.
Come on, we gotta find Lisa.
Copy !req
964. I was 19 years old when
the musical Cats came to our town.
Copy !req
965. I couldn't wait to see it.
Copy !req
966. After the show, I was asked
if I wanted to go meet
Copy !req
967. some of the performers backstage.
Man, I was thrilled.
Copy !req
968. But when I got back there,
they were drunk and out of control.
Copy !req
969. Rumpus Cat and Macavity
kept feeling up my leg.
Copy !req
970. I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer
held me down and...
Copy !req
971. I was raped by Mr Mistoffelees.
Copy !req
972. That's why you don't trust actors.
Copy !req
973. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.
Copy !req
974. If there's still a world left
when this is all over,
Copy !req
975. I'd like to buy you a beer.
Copy !req
976. Come on, let's go.
We're running out of time.
Copy !req
977. Sarah, before we die, I want to
finally tell you that I love you.
Copy !req
978. No. No, I'm not gonna let it end like this.
Copy !req
979. We are not your enemy, furry ones.
You will not attack us.
Copy !req
980. Sarah, that isn't going to work.
You don't really have mental powers.
Copy !req
981. Your captors are behind you, Shebas.
Show your anger to them.
Copy !req
982. Sarah, you did it!
Copy !req
983. Wait. Hold on.
Copy !req
984. Spottswoode, I think we just found
the entrance to the theatre.
Copy !req
985. Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...
Copy !req
986. Gary!
Copy !req
987. - Actors, ho!
- Helen Hunt.
Copy !req
988. Samuel Jackson.
Copy !req
989. Matt Damon.
Copy !req
990. Motherfucker.
Copy !req
991. Gary, Chris, come in.
Copy !req
992. And now, radies and gentlemen,
Mr Arec Barrwin.
Copy !req
993. We are here to usher in a new era
without violence.
Copy !req
994. By following the rules
of the Film Actors Guild,
Copy !req
995. the world can become a better place
Copy !req
996. that handles dangerous people
with talk and reasoning.
Copy !req
997. That is the F.A.G. way.
Copy !req
998. One day you'll all look at the world
us actors created and say,
Copy !req
999. "Wow. Good going, F.A.G.
Copy !req
1000. "You really made the world
a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"
Copy !req
1001. Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad
there won't be a world reft.
Copy !req
1002. Oh, God, no.
Copy !req
1003. You see? No Prince Charming rode in
on a white stallion to save the day.
Copy !req
1004. This is the real world.
Copy !req
1005. I'm afraid your world is over.
Copy !req
1006. In five minutes.
Copy !req
1007. Yes, the ticking crock.
Copy !req
1008. Sorry, Team America, but you see,
we must live in a time of peace.
Copy !req
1009. Put down the gas can now.
Copy !req
1010. Kill them.
Copy !req
1011. Jackson!
Copy !req
1012. Team, you've got to hurry.
Copy !req
1013. Let's go, bitch. I've done action films.
Copy !req
1014. Come on.
Copy !req
1015. Matt Damon!
Copy !req
1016. Come on, stop trying to hit me
and hit me.
Copy !req
1017. Don't fucking move!
Copy !req
1018. Now, isn't that a shame.
Copy !req
1019. You came so close to stopping peace.
Copy !req
1020. But you see, peace always finds a way.
Copy !req
1021. Goodbye, Team America.
Copy !req
1022. I've just got one piece of bad news
for you, Robbins.
Copy !req
1023. - What's that?
- I'm a smoker.
Copy !req
1024. Now that the world
is going to be run peacefully,
Copy !req
1025. we should all drive hybrid cars.
Copy !req
1026. Right now famiries
are gathering in parks,
Copy !req
1027. children are walking to school,
friends are sitting in movie theatres.
Copy !req
1028. All compretery unaware that the world
is about to change forever.
Copy !req
1029. All because of me.
Copy !req
1030. Stop that man.
Copy !req
1031. Gary!
Copy !req
1032. - Team America?
- God damn it.
Copy !req
1033. Sorry to interrupt the show,
everyone, but Kim Jong II
Copy !req
1034. is an international criminal.
We're here to arrest him.
Copy !req
1035. Oh, no, you're not.
Copy !req
1036. This is a peace conference.
Copy !req
1037. And if you even try to touch Kim Jong II,
Copy !req
1038. this audience and I will rise up
against you.
Copy !req
1039. Fuck off, Team America!
Copy !req
1040. Team, there's no time.
You have to convince that audience
Copy !req
1041. to let you do your job.
Copy !req
1042. - Gary, you've got to take the stage.
- No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.
Copy !req
1043. - He's the best actor in the world.
- You have to try.
Copy !req
1044. - I'm not that good.
- Actually...
Copy !req
1045. You're the finest actor I've ever met.
Copy !req
1046. Come on, Gary, hurry.
You've got to act fast.
Copy !req
1047. I know you all don't like Team America
a whole lot right now,
Copy !req
1048. but Kim Jong II is a lot worse.
Copy !req
1049. You can't out-act me, boy.
Don't even try.
Copy !req
1050. For the truth is that Team America
fights for the billion-dollar corporations.
Copy !req
1051. They are just as bad
as the enemies they fight.
Copy !req
1052. Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!
Copy !req
1053. We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.
Copy !req
1054. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.
Copy !req
1055. And Kim Jong II is an asshole.
Copy !req
1056. Pussies don't like dicks,
because pussies get fucked by dicks.
Copy !req
1057. But dicks also fuck assholes,
Copy !req
1058. assholes who just wanna shit
on everything.
Copy !req
1059. Pussies may think they can deal
with assholes their way.
Copy !req
1060. But the only thing
that can fuck an asshole
Copy !req
1061. is a dick with some balls.
Copy !req
1062. The problem with dicks
is that sometimes they fuck too much.
Copy !req
1063. - Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.
- Yes, Gary, yes.
Copy !req
1064. And it takes a pussy to show them that.
Copy !req
1065. But sometimes pussies
get so full of shit
Copy !req
1066. that they become assholes themselves.
Copy !req
1067. Because pussies are only
an inch and a half away from assholes.
Copy !req
1068. I don't know much
in this crazy, crazy world,
Copy !req
1069. but I do know that if you don't
let us fuck this asshole,
Copy !req
1070. we are gonna have our dicks
and our pussies
Copy !req
1071. all covered in shit.
Copy !req
1072. Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong II.
Copy !req
1073. Do something, Arec Barrwin!
Copy !req
1074. The... Global warming and...
Corporate America...
Copy !req
1075. You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.
Copy !req
1076. Don't fucking move!
You were all going to be treated
Copy !req
1077. to a faburous show.
But now party's over.
Copy !req
1078. - For I am the great Kim Jong II.
- Lisa.
Copy !req
1079. And I am the greatest terrorist
ever to have rived.
Copy !req
1080. Terrorize this.
Copy !req
1081. - Lisa, are you okay?
- No, Gary, the countdown.
Copy !req
1082. You have to stop it.
Copy !req
1083. - What do I do?
- Hit the big "cancel" button!
Copy !req
1084. - Gary, how did you manage this?
- Spottswoode helped me.
Copy !req
1085. Spottswoode? He's alive?
Copy !req
1086. Lisa, I'm crazy about you.
Will you please forgive me if I...
Copy !req
1087. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."
Copy !req
1088. Attention. Attention, everyone.
Copy !req
1089. All you in the audience should go
to your homes now.
Copy !req
1090. Your countries need you.
But the world will be safe,
Copy !req
1091. thanks to a brilliant actor
named Gary Johnston.
Copy !req
1092. Let me explain to you
the kind of man Gary is.
Copy !req
1093. He's a man who knows
Copy !req
1094. that when you put another man's cock
in your mouth, you make a pact.
Copy !req
1095. A bond that cannot be broken.
Copy !req
1096. He's a man so dedicated that
he will get down on his knees
Copy !req
1097. and put that cock right in his mouth.
Copy !req
1098. Wait a minute. Look!
Copy !req
1099. You have not heard the rast
of Kim Jong II.
Copy !req
1100. I will return!
Copy !req
1101. You shall see. I will be back!
Copy !req
1102. So rong, earthrings!
Copy !req
1103. We'll be here waiting for you,
Kim Jong II.
Copy !req
1104. All right, you guys, I hate to break up
this little party,
Copy !req
1105. but there's still a lot of bad guys
out there.
Copy !req
1106. Well, then let's go show the bad guys
the police are back in force.
Copy !req
1107. Fuck, yeah.
Copy !req
1108. America
Copy !req
1109. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1110. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
Copy !req
1111. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1112. Freedom is the only way, yeah
Copy !req
1113. Terrorists, your game is through
Copy !req
1114. 'Cause now you have to answer to
Copy !req
1115. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1116. So lick my butt
And suck on my balls
Copy !req
1117. - America
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1118. What you gonna do
When we come for you now?
Copy !req
1119. It's the dream that we all share
Copy !req
1120. - It's the hope for tomorrow
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1121. - McDonald's
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1122. - Wal-Mart
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1123. - The Gap
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1124. - Baseball
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1125. - NFL
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1126. - Rock 'n' roll
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1127. - The Internet
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1128. - Slavery
- Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1129. Fuck, yeah
Copy !req
1130. Everyone has AIDS
My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
Copy !req
1131. The Pope has got it and so do you
Copy !req
1132. Come on, everybody
We got quilting to do
Copy !req
1133. We're gonna break down
These barricades
Copy !req
1134. Everyone has
Copy !req
1135. Freedom isn't free
Copy !req
1136. It costs folks like you and me
Copy !req
1137. And if we don't all chip in
Copy !req
1138. We'll never pay that bill
Copy !req
1139. Freedom isn't free
Copy !req
1140. No, there's a hefty fucking fee
Copy !req
1141. And if you don't throw in
your buck-o-five, who will?
Copy !req
1142. Buck-o-five
Copy !req
1143. Freedom costs a buck-o-five
Copy !req
1144. Only a woman
Can brighten up my day
Copy !req
1145. Only a woman
Can touch me the right way, yeah
Copy !req
1146. Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me there
Copy !req
1147. All I ask
Is that you're a woman
Copy !req
1148. I'm so ronery
Copy !req
1149. So ronery
Copy !req
1150. So ronery and sadry arone
Copy !req
1151. There's no one
Just me onry
Copy !req
1152. Sitting on my rittle throne
Copy !req
1153. I work rearry hard
And make up great prans
Copy !req
1154. But nobody ristens
No one understands
Copy !req
1155. Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousry
Copy !req
1156. And so
Copy !req
1157. I'm ronery
Copy !req
1158. A rittle ronery
Copy !req
1159. Poor rittle me
Copy !req
1160. I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting school
Copy !req
1161. He was terrible in that film
Copy !req
1162. I need you like Cuba Gooding
needed a bigger part
Copy !req
1163. He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now
Copy !req
1164. All I can think about is your smile
Copy !req
1165. And that shitty movie, too
Copy !req
1166. Pearl Harbor sucked
Copy !req
1167. And I miss you
Copy !req
1168. Why does Michael Bay
Get to keep on making movies?
Copy !req
1169. I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
Copy !req
1170. Just a little bit more
Than I miss you
Copy !req
1171. Show a lot of things
Happening at once
Copy !req
1172. Remind everyone
Of what's going on
Copy !req
1173. And with every shot
Show a little improvement
Copy !req
1174. To show it all would take too long
Copy !req
1175. - That's called a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
1176. - Girl, we want a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
1177. In anything, if you want to go
Copy !req
1178. From just a beginner to a pro
Copy !req
1179. - You need a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
1180. - Even Rocky had a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
1181. - Always fade out in a montage
- Montage
Copy !req
1182. If you fade out
It seems like more time has passed
Copy !req
1183. I was sent from planet Gyron
To conquer the Earth
Copy !req
1184. I had a terrific pran
I thought it would work
Copy !req
1185. Tried to get the earthrings
All to kill each other, you see
Copy !req
1186. But it all went wrong
And now I must decree
Copy !req
1187. You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
Copy !req
1188. You failed in every way
And now my stock in you has farren
Copy !req
1189. Your career is starring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
Copy !req
1190. That's why I brew your head off
And your children are all bawring
Copy !req
1191. Pranet Gyron is inhabited
With Zypods rike me
Copy !req
1192. But also with Barmacks
Who are giant bees
Copy !req
1193. The Zypods and the Barmacks
Are at constant war
Copy !req
1194. So we wanted a new home
And that's what Earth was for
Copy !req
1195. But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
Copy !req
1196. You fucked up my whole pran
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1197. And now Gyron is smeared
With Barmack porren
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1198. Your garbage needs some hauring
And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin
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1199. Now I must return home a failure
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1200. I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock
Is carring
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