Team America: World Police (2004)

1. Oh, hello.

2. Jean Francois?

3. Jean Francois.

4. You in the robes. Put down the weapon of mass destruction

5. and get on the ground. You're under arrest.

6. Put down your weapons now!

7. Why can't they ever do this the easy way?

8. World Police. Get down on the ground!

9. Hey, terrorist.

10. Terrorize this.

11. All right, let's make this interesting.

12. You lose.

13. - He's getting away with the WMD! - I got him.

14. Damn, I missed him.

15. Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?

16. I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre.

17. Your plans are over.

18. - All right, Sarah. - Yeah, all right, team!

19. Nothing to it.

20. All right.

21. Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon.

22. We stopped the terrorists.

23. I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.

24. Oh, yeah? About what?

25. I was thinking that I want you to marry me.

26. - Don't joke about that. - Who's joking?

27. Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.

28. - He finally popped the question? - Lisa, you're an amazing woman.

29. And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

30. Oh, Carson. Carson...

31. Carson!

32. No!

33. Carson.

34. - Feel so cold. - You have to hang on, Carson.

35. Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket.

36. No.

37. Lisa, you have to live on.

38. Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy.

39. You deserve...

40. No!

41. Everyone has AIDS

42. Everyone has AIDS

43. And so this is the end of our story

44. And everyone is dead from AIDS

45. It took from me my best friend

46. My only true pal

47. My only bright star

48. He died of AIDS

49. Well, I'm gonna march on Washington

50. Lead the fight And charge the brigades

51. There's a hero inside of all of us

52. I'll make them see Everyone has AIDS

53. My father

54. My sister

55. My uncle and my cousin And her best friend

56. The gays and the straights And the whites and the spades

57. Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

58. The Pope has got it and so do you

59. Come on, everybody We got quilting to do

60. We're gonna break down These barricades

61. Everyone has

62. - Great job, Gary. - Thanks. You, too, Steve.

63. That was the greatest acting I've ever seen.

64. I just don't know how you do it, Gary.

65. How do you make yourself so somber and emotional

66. to make everybody cry like that?

67. It's not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life.

68. Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.

69. Gary. Oh, no. Help me! Help me!

70. Get off of me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

71. Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance.

72. Oh, thank you. I don't believe we've met, Mr...?

73. The name is Spottswoode.

74. - Well, nice to meet you. - And you are Gary Johnston.

75. All-American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude

76. with a double major in theatre and world languages.

77. You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child.

78. Top-gun actor.

79. Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood?

80. I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow me this way.

81. Please, Gary, step into my car.

82. Oh, I get it.

83. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me.

84. Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

85. No, I just want to show you something.

86. Yeah, I'll bet you do.

87. Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood.

88. I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable.

89. - Jesus, this is a nice limo. - Yes, it is.

90. Now, suck my cock.

91. Just kidding.

92. All right, just what the hell is this about?

93. I hate to break this to you, Gary,

94. but some people out there want you dead.

95. - Dead? - They're called terrorists, Gary.

96. And they hate everything about you.

97. Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor.

98. It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for.

99. And every single minute of every single day,

100. the terrorists are planning new ways

101. to kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country.

102. The only thing standing in their way is us.

103. You?

104. Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.

105. Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

106. Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

107. - No. - So then you haven't seen everything.

108. And neither have we.

109. Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists

110. with a weapon of mass destruction.

111. The terrorists are planning something very big.

112. And just what does this have to do with me?

113. Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist

114. who wants to help them carry out the attack.

115. An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them.

116. This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.

117. That's all spying is, acting. And they say you're the best.

118. An actor with a double major in theatre and world languages?

119. Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.

120. Look out!

121. Right this way, you maverick renegade.

122. Welcome to Team Base.

123. Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska.

124. He's a natural-born leader.

125. I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr Johnston.

126. Hope it's as good as they say it is.

127. And this is Sarah,

128. the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant

129. in San Francisco.

130. I sense that you're slightly confused right now.

131. That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, a fucking actor?

132. Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy,

133. but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer.

134. That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me.

135. And finally, we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa?

136. Right here.

137. Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.

138. Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.

139. We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary.

140. But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs.

141. And intelligence tells us they plan to use them.

142. Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

143. - That is affirmative. - I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

144. The most sophisticated computer in the world.

145. I've intercepted communications that several terrorist groups

146. are being organized for one massive worldwide attack.

147. From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered,

148. it would be 9/11 times 100.

149. 9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's...

150. Yes, 91,100.

151. Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible.

152. So now you see why we need you.

153. We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East.

154. If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us the information we need

155. to stop this whole thing from happening.

156. Of course, if you're not interested,

157. there's the door.

158. All right. Thanks.

159. Gary. Hey, hold on a second.

160. Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger.

161. How is it my responsibility to do something?

162. Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.

163. I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns or jets.

164. That doesn't matter. If you want to help people,

165. all that matters, Gary, is what you have here.

166. Just think about it, okay? Here, take this.

167. Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember,

168. your freedom's at stake, too.

169. What do you think Spottswoode sees in him?

170. I don't know. But I think I see it, too.

171. Hey, Baxter.

172. I wanna take a detour.

173. What would you do

174. If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom?

175. What would you do

176. If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice?

177. Would you think about all them people

178. Who gave up everything they had?

179. Would you think about all them war vets

180. And would you start to feel bad?

181. Freedom isn't free

182. It costs folks like you and me

183. And if we don't all chip in

184. We'll never pay that bill

185. Freedom isn't free

186. No, there's a hefty fucking fee

187. And if you don't throw in your buck-o-five, who will?

188. Buck-o-five

189. Freedom costs a buck-o-five

190. Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says the weapons of mass destruction

191. you requested are ready for you to take.

192. I am still in the process of recruiting

193. and training new terrorists for the attack.

194. We take weapons later.

195. He asks what part of the deal you did not understand.

196. He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you.

197. He says he should fire his translator?

198. Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?

199. I cannot berieve that I actually have a Chechnyan standing here

200. terring me when he's gonna take a derivery.

201. Herro?

202. Perhaps we can be ready sooner.

203. Yes, perhaps you can.

204. Now, take your weapons of mass destruction

205. and get the fuck out of here.

206. I had to come back.

207. - I know you did, son. - I still say this is a fucking mistake.

208. Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated.

209. Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.

210. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent.

211. We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.

212. There's just one problem. I don't look Middle Eastern.

213. Leave that to us.

214. Sarah's a professional at skin grafting and laser valmoriphication.

215. Just try to be still.

216. Amazing.

217. The valmoriphication completely worked.

218. Sit up and take a look, Gary.

219. It's uncanny.

220. You're going to fool everyone, Gary.

221. Or should I say,

222. Hakmed.

223. All right, team, we've only got one shot at this, so listen up.

224. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications

225. that terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo.

226. Cairo. That's in Egypt.

227. Exactly right, Joe.

228. Now, team, your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern.

229. And once he's on the inside, cover his back.

230. Gary, you must use your acting

231. to find out any information you can from the terrorists.

232. Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown

233. and the terrorists take you prisoner,

234. well, you'll probably want to take your own life.

235. Here, you'd better have this.

236. All right, team, that's it. We've got a job to do.

237. Let's go police the world.

238. America

239. - America - Fuck, yeah

240. Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah

241. - America - Fuck, yeah

242. Freedom is the only way, yeah

243. Terrorists, your game is through

244. 'Cause now you have to answer to

245. - America - Fuck, yeah

246. So lick my butt And suck on my balls

247. - America - Fuck, yeah

248. What if the old man is wrong about him, huh?

249. What if he's not the great actor Spottswoode says he is?

250. Why don't you trust actors, Chris?

251. I got my reasons.

252. You all right, Gary?

253. I was just thinking.

254. Onstage, if I mess up a line, it could mean a bad review.

255. If I mess up here,

256. we're all dead.

257. I believe you can do this, Gary.

258. Why? What reason do you have to believe?

259. Sometimes believing is all we have.

260. Fear not, Muslim friends. We're here to find terrorists.

261. I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.

262. All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern.

263. Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you.

264. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass

265. so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

266. - What's your problem with me? - Yeah, you wanna go?

267. Guys, guys, guys!

268. Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?

269. The war is out there, man. Out there. Now, pull it together.

270. All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet.

271. - Clear. - Clear.

272. All right, Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team,

273. take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One.

274. All right, that's the tavern with the blue door.

275. Act your way past those guards and see what you can find out.

276. Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal.

277. You remember the signal?

278. That's right. All right, good luck.

279. Go get them, cowboy.

280. Oh, shit.

281. Come on, Gary, act. You have the power.

282. - All right, Gary! - Told you he was top-gun.

283. - I've never seen acting that good. - He's amazing.

284. Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible.

285. We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you?

286. My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.

287. Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon?

288. I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary.

289. My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah.

290. It's too painful to see them die.

291. I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up...

292. It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship.

293. I treasure yours, Lisa.

294. Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?

295. What would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me?

296. I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants.

297. Still, I'd love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields.

298. What do you know?

299. I heard there might be a large terrorist attack.

300. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.

301. Get out of here. We have put out a jihad on the infidels

302. because they destroyed our lives.

303. What do you know about pain and sadness?

304. Gary. Help me! Help me!

305. Get him off! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

306. I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village

307. in their BLACK HAWK helicopters.

308. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.

309. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched.

310. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed

311. by the fiery, black liquid death.

312. In the midst of the chaos,

313. I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help.

314. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone.

315. It was on that day I put a jihad on them.

316. And if you don't believe it, then you better kill me now,

317. because I'll put a jihad on you, too.

318. I like you. You have balls.

319. I like balls.

320. All right, listen carefully. The WMDs are located

321. in a secret bunker 20 yards east of this building.

322. You can help us by guarding it and making...

323. Come. They're onto us!

324. Hurry, friend. We must make our escape.

325. Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street.

326. Don't let them get away.

327. I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern.

328. Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists.

329. America

330. - America - Fuck, yeah

331. Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah

332. - America - Fuck, yeah

333. Freedom is the only way, yeah

334. It's the dream that we all share

335. It's the hope for tomorrow

336. Go faster, you idiot.

337. Die! Infidels!

338. - They're not stopping. - They had their chance.

339. Missed. Wide right.

340. One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.

341. It's me. It's me.

342. Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me. Kiss me."

343. Smartass motherfucker.

344. - Gary? - An infidel.

345. Kill her.

346. Gary?

347. - Sarah to Team America 4. - What you got, Sarah?

348. Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with...

349. - Say again, Sarah. You're breaking up. - Joe, do you copy?

350. - I'll get him. - Lisa?

351. I lost her.

352. It's all right. We'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants.

353. Right.

354. Hey, guys, I think we should pull over.

355. Pull over? Yes, of course.

356. Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them.

357. I love your balls.

358. Shit, they got by me.

359. - What are we doing? - This jeep is filled with explosives.

360. We're going to take their lives and our own.

361. We're gonna what?

362. - Hang on, Joe. - Die, infidels.

363. Surprise, cockfags!

364. All right. We fucking did it.

365. Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down.

366. Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

367. This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.

368. Team America has once again pissed off the entire world

369. after blowing up half of Cairo.

370. And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out.

371. Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild.

372. The Film Actors Guild believes

373. that what the world needs is compassion, not violence.

374. All that Team America does is create new enemies.

375. Let me explain to you how this works.

376. You see, the corporations finance Team America.

377. And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their...

378. In their corporation buildings, and, see, they're all corporation-y,

379. and they make money.

380. Last year I went to Iraq.

381. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place.

382. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies

383. and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced

384. and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

385. The actors are calling for an emergency meeting.

386. Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt,

387. George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,

388. Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon.

389. Matt Damon.

390. In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals

391. their own way.

392. Hans Brix? Oh, no.

393. Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans.

394. Mr II, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today,

395. and your guards won't let me into certain areas.

396. Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been through this a dozen times.

397. I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans?

398. Then let me look around so I can ease the UN's collective mind.

399. Hans, you're breaking my barrs here. Hans, you're breaking my barrs.

400. I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you.

401. Let me see your whole palace, or else.

402. Or else what?

403. Or else we will be very, very angry with you.

404. And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.

405. Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready?

406. Stand a rittle to your reft.

407. A rittle more.

408. Good.

409. There you go, Hans Brix.

410. How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker?

411. Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?

412. Well, fuck you. You want inspection?

413. Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit.

414. What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer?

415. I'm pranning the attack.

416. Congraturations, Team America, you have stopped nothing.

417. Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing.

418. It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again.

419. We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary.

420. Terrorists, your game is through.

421. You're the best, Gary.

422. So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he...

423. You might have all the others fooled, but not me.

424. Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger.

425. The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick

426. so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions. You got it?

427. Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you?

428. No, of course not, Joe.

429. Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date?

430. Sarah, really?

431. Yeah. Do you think it's all right?

432. I think it's better than all right. It's great!

433. Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.

434. Gary? You okay?

435. I was just wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory.

436. Is it anything that you wanna talk about?

437. When I was a kid, I always looked up to my older brother, Tommy.

438. He was the jock, and I was the little performer.

439. We were all out at the zoo one day.

440. I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.

441. I fell in.

442. Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me,

443. forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket.

444. The gorillas just went wild.

445. They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll

446. to get to those blueberries.

447. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, who tossed him to another.

448. Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help,

449. but it was too late.

450. The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.

451. My acting

452. got my brother killed.

453. I've had to live with that

454. every single day.

455. Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

456. I think I can finally let it go.

457. Because my acting saved the entire world.

458. And something even better happened.

459. What?

460. I met somebody who took my breath away.

461. Gary, no.

462. I'm sorry.

463. It's just... Things are really complicated, Gary.

464. I know about Carson.

465. I know how it feels.

466. God, I'm so confused.

467. It's too soon to be having feelings for you.

468. Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

469. But I have to control them

470. because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful.

471. So... So, what, you're just gonna shut down?

472. I really like you.

473. There's no chance we can ever be together?

474. Only if you could promise me you'll never die.

475. You know I can't promise that.

476. If you did that, I would make love to you right now.

477. I promise. I will never die.

478. I need this, I need love I need you

479. I don't need one heartbeat I need two

480. There's an emptiness I need to fill

481. And only one emptiness will do

482. Only a woman Can brighten up my day

483. Only a woman Can touch me the right way, yeah

484. Only a woman Is allowed to touch me there

485. All I ask Is that you're a woman

486. Lisa, you're the most amazing person I've ever met.

487. It's only been a short time, but I think that I'm completely in love...

488. Let's not talk.

489. I can't help it. This just feels so right,

490. and I don't want anything to mess it up.

491. There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up.

492. Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.

493. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.

494. - What? - But how can that be?

495. Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.

496. It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong

497. about the Chechnyans being in charge.

498. That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

499. - Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. - I'm sorry.

500. We have to find out who did this and take them down. Fast.

501. Sir, I am intercepting communications about the terrorists' identities.

502. On screen.

503. This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.

504. An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead.

505. Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan.

506. Of course, Derka Derkastan.

507. The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation

508. for Team America's actions in Cairo.

509. Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors Guild.

510. - Alec Baldwin? - Gary?

511. He's my hero.

512. The single greatest actor of all time.

513. Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama?

514. The terrorists?

515. The person who supplied them with WMDs?

516. No. Blame Team America.

517. Their reckless disregard in Cairo brought on this violence today.

518. Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands.

519. Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech,

520. hundreds of people turned out at Mount Rushmore today to protest.

521. Hey, that's here.

522. Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore

523. is also jumping on the "Fuck Team America" bandwagon.

524. Protesting is not enough.

525. We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country.

526. Bring it down! Bring it all down!

527. Team, if the Derka Derkastanis have weapons of mass destruction,

528. I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1,000.

529. - Jesus, you mean... - Yes.

530. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

531. Then forget all these assholes. We got work to do.

532. Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized so he can use his acting.

533. My acting?

534. My acting? My acting just got a thousand people killed.

535. Jesus, I've done it again.

536. Pull yourself together, Gary. We need you now more than ever.

537. - I'm through with this. - Gary, you can't go.

538. Without you, the team is doomed.

539. Remember, there is no "I" in Team America.

540. Yes, there is.

541. I know it's hard, Gary.

542. But you're still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists.

543. Why me? Why am I the only one?

544. Because you're the one with the power to...

545. Well, I don't want the fucking power!

546. I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame

547. and I don't want the responsibility.

548. Then what about all the things you promised last night?

549. You said you'd never leave.

550. I said I'd never die. But now I'm dead inside.

551. You slept with Gary?

552. - Sarah. - But you knew I liked Gary.

553. I told you.

554. You like Gary?

555. Oh, I see.

556. - I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah. - Save it, Lisa.

557. You see? All I do is hurt people.

558. Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

559. I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am.

560. I'm just bad news.

561. I'll never act again.

562. Fuck him. We don't need an actor.

563. We can take out the Derka Derkastanis the old-fashioned way.

564. No. It would be a suicide mission.

565. That's all right. I feel a little bit like dying.

566. God damn it, Gary.

567. - America - Fuck, yeah

568. Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah

569. - America - Fuck, yeah

570. Freedom is the only way Yeah

571. Terrorists, your game is through

572. 'Cause now you have to answer to

573. - America - Fuck, yeah

574. America Fuck

575. Gary! Help me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

576. All right, team. We're nearing Derka Derkastan.

577. Let's get ready.

578. Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.

579. There's only five of them, team. This should be easy.

580. I've got Korean aircraft at one o'clock.

581. What are they doing here?

582. Shoot them down. Rike dogs.

583. Kim Jong II? Why is he helping terrorists?

584. I've got one on my tail!

585. I got you, Sarah.

586. Bring in the submarines.

587. What the hell? Something's shooting at us from the water.

588. - It must be a Korean sub. - Chris, you've gotta take them out.

589. I'm already on it.

590. These guys really snuck up on us.

591. Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately.

592. Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.

593. No, you just didn't care if you did.

594. Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair.

595. Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her.

596. Just like nobody can help it if you have feelings for Gary.

597. What is that supposed to mean?

598. Oh, come on, Sarah. You mean you never realized

599. Joe has feelings for you?

600. Joe? But you're like a brother to me.

601. That's all I ever am. Like a brother. It isn't fair.

602. Hang on, team. Someone has broken into the hangar.

603. - Baxter? - Hey, Team America.

604. I got something for you.

605. - What the hell? - Prepare to die.

606. Jesus titty-fucking...

607. Christ!

608. Spottswoode!

609. Oh, my God!

610. No. He can't be dead.

611. We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

612. I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

613. Their computers are down. Attack!

614. - Sarah! - I sense I'm going down.

615. Sarah! God, Chris, you gotta help her.

616. I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.

617. Oh, fuck, I've been hit.

618. Chris, come in.

619. - Oh, Jesus, I'm hit! - Lisa!

620. - Going down. - God damn it,

621. I'm gonna have to breach.

622. I'm gonna hit the water.

623. Missile lock. I've got missile lock.

624. I've gotta bail out.

625. Salvage their ships. If you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them.

626. Terrorists on screen.

627. Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?

628. We were angry about Cairo.

629. God damn it, how many times do I have to tell you?

630. You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal.

631. I have worked ten years on this pran.

632. It is a very precise and a compricated pran.

633. I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up.

634. Now, take the weapons where I told you

635. and wait for the goddamn signal this time. Goodbye.

636. Why is everyone so fucking stupid?

637. Why aren't more people interrigent? Rike me?

638. I'm so ronery

639. So ronery

640. So ronery and sadry arone

641. There's no one Just me onry

642. Sitting on my rittle throne

643. I work rearry hard And make up great prans

644. But nobody ristens No one understands

645. Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry

646. And so

647. I'm ronery

648. A rittle ronery

649. Poor rittle me

650. There's nobody I can rerate to

651. Feel rike a bird in a cage

652. It's kind of sirry But not rearry

653. Because it's firring my body With rage

654. I'm the smartest, most crever Most physicarry fit

655. But nobody else seems to rearise it

656. When I change the world Maybe they'll notice me

657. And until then

658. I'll just be ronery

659. Yeah, a rittle ronery

660. Poor rittle me

661. I'm so ronery

662. What would you do

663. If you were asked to give up Your dreams for freedom?

664. What would you do if asked To make the ultimate sacrifice?

665. Hey, weren't you the actor in that Broadway show?

666. Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS:

667. I don't act any more. I gave that up.

668. - Oh, come on, man, just a scene. - I said, get away from me!

669. I'm completely lost. I've hit rock bottom.

670. Easy, easy. You gotta calm down there, Chuck.

671. I hurt people. I'm a dick.

672. Well, being a dick ain't so bad.

673. See, there are three kinds of people,

674. dicks, pussies and assholes.

675. Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just wanna fuck all the time

676. without thinking it through.

677. But then you got your assholes, Chuck.

678. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything.

679. So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while

680. because pussies get fucked by dicks.

681. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.

682. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get?

683. You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit.

684. All right, that does it. Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.

685. Get out of here, I said.

686. Lisa!

687. Lisa. Lisa, are you here?

688. Get out of the street, you fucking bum!

689. You gave up on life, didn't you?

690. My fellow actors, we live in a dark time.

691. The world is becoming more and more violent

692. and the idiots in charge are making it worse.

693. What the world needs is an international advisory committee

694. who truly understands global politics.

695. Namely, us.

696. The time has come for us to start using our acting talents

697. in a different way.

698. Yes, we can use our powers to change the world.

699. We will persuade everyone to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.

700. If we focus our acting on global politics,

701. we can change everything and stuff.

702. As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers

703. and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.

704. Matt Damon.

705. We've all done action films.

706. If anyone tries to get in our way, we'll show them just how tough

707. us actors really are.

708. I'm glad you all agree.

709. Because I've just been contacted by a very important political leader

710. who is bringing all the world leaders together

711. for a massive international peace conference.

712. And he wants us to be the keynote speakers.

713. Matt Damon!

714. Say hello to our new partner.

715. Herro.

716. Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!

717. I'm gonna fucking kill you!

718. You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red, white and brue friend.

719. So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000.

720. No. You think so small.

721. You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony.

722. And while all the world's most important people are distracted here,

723. I will detonate the WMDs

724. which I have given to terrorists arr around the grobe.

725. It will be 9/11 times 2,356.

726. My God, that's... I don't even know what that is.

727. Nobody does.

728. You heartless bastard. Why would you do such a thing?

729. Because then there will be barance.

730. Every country will be a Third World country.

731. Just imagine it.

732. All around the world, there will be massive exprosions.

733. With nobody to guide them,

734. the people will break out into panic and rioting all over the Earth.

735. The true nature of humanity is unreashed.

736. Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone

737. and fends only for themselves.

738. Grobal stabirity unravels.

739. By the time my show is over, it will be far too rate.

740. Your plan will fail.

741. You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for nine hours.

742. Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.

743. Dear God.

744. You are the rast of a dying breed, the frag-waving American.

745. Well, your rittle dream will soon be over.

746. I must get back to pranning the ceremony now.

747. The film actors are on their way.

748. Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.

749. Having so little faith in humanity must make you a very lonely man.

750. You shall have a front-row seat.

751. Bring her upstairs.

752. Leave her alone, you son of a bitch!

753. Lisa, I treasure your friendship!

754. Somebody has to stop this!

755. I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark

756. When he made Pearl Harbor

757. I miss you more than that movie missed the point

758. And that's an awful lot, girl And now

759. Now you've gone away

760. And all I'm trying to say

761. Is Pearl Harbor sucked

762. And I miss you

763. I need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school

764. He was terrible in that film

765. I need you like Cuba Gooding Needed a bigger part

766. He's way better than Ben Affleck And now

767. All I can think about is your smile

768. And that shitty movie, too

769. Pearl Harbor sucked

770. And I miss you

771. Pearl Harbor sucked

772. Just a little bit more Than I miss you

773. Oh, my God. What the hell happened?

774. Hello? Anybody?

775. Greetings, Mr Johnston.

776. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened?

777. Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.

778. But where's the team?

779. They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong II in North Korea.

780. I have intercepted communications that he is planning

781. the massive attack during a peace ceremony.

782. Don't move, protester, or I'll blow your commie brains out.

783. - Spottswoode. - Johnston?

784. What the hell are you doing here?

785. Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

786. I'm using it to blow up North Korea.

787. No! The team is in North Korea.

788. I know. And so are the triggers to WMDs poised all around the globe.

789. My only option now is to blow up Kim Jong II

790. and everything around him before he can set them off.

791. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate detonation sequence on the ships.

792. You'll kill them all.

793. It's what they would want me to do, Gary.

794. They would happily give their lives for the good of the world,

795. - something you don't understand! - There has to be another way.

796. There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong II.

797. Let me go.

798. You? You're a buttfucking quitter.

799. You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you.

800. And without an actor, they were like pigs to the slaughter.

801. I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?

802. I know I walked out, but I'd do anything to take it back.

803. - Please, just let me help. - You've done enough.

804. Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me.

805. I want to believe in you, Gary, I really do.

806. But you've let me down before.

807. Please, how can I make you trust me?

808. I remember the first time we met.

809. You were a simple Broadway actor afraid to get in my limo

810. because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me.

811. Do you remember that?

812. Yeah.

813. And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.

814. Just give me a chance.

815. All right, I'll trust you.

816. But only if you

817. will perform oral sex on me.

818. - What? - Right here, right now.

819. - You can't be serious. - Oh, I am serious.

820. Look, this is my serious face.

821. - What will that prove? - It will prove that you are truly ready

822. to lay everything on the line.

823. To throw away all your inhibitions and give 100 %.

824. We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust.

825. - Don't you see? - No. I thought you weren't gay.

826. This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust.

827. It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it.

828. Okay, let's do it.

829. I'll make sure nobody's watching.

830. Yeah, it looks clear.

831. Okay, go.

832. There must be another way.

833. I guess you won't do everything to take it all back, will you, Gary?

834. No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.

835. You're saying if I do that, you'll let me help the team?

836. I'll give you all the time I can.

837. Okay, let's do it.

838. Here we go.

839. And go.

840. You are dedicated.

841. Now, let's go get cleaned up.

842. If you're going to storm Kim Jong II's palace single-handed,

843. we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time.

844. How we gonna do that?

845. I think I know just what we need.

846. The hour's approaching To give it your best

847. And you've got to reach your prime

848. That's when you need to put yourself to the test

849. And show us a passage of time

850. - We're gonna need a montage - Montage

851. - It takes a montage - Montage

852. Show a lot of things Happening at once

853. Remind everyone Of what's going on

854. And with every shot Show a little improvement

855. To show it all would take too long

856. - That's called a montage - Montage

857. - Girl, we want a montage - Montage

858. In anything, if you want to go

859. From just a beginner to a pro

860. - You need a montage - Montage

861. - Even Rocky had a montage - Montage

862. - Always fade out in a montage - Montage

863. If you fade out It seems like more time has passed

864. - In a montage - Montage

865. Radies and gentlemen.

866. The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II are preased to welcome you

867. to the International World Peace Ceremony.

868. The most important people from every country

869. are gathered here in soridarity to cerebrate peace.

870. There will be music, dancing and, of course,

871. the biggest stars in Horrywood.

872. In the box to your reft is the mastermind of this spectacurar show,

873. the multitarented Kim Jong II.

874. Oh, herro.

875. And now we present to you the very best in North Korean music.

876. Ten years of pranning, and finarry the night is here.

877. The terrorists know to be in position by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.

878. That's when I trigger all the WMDs to go off at the same time.

879. When you see Arec Barrwin,

880. you will see the true ugriness of human nature.

881. Your plan will never work. Something will stop it.

882. You stupid, naive Team Americans.

883. You berieve in true rove and happy endings

884. even while the world around you spirals downward.

885. Sometimes believing is all we have.

886. And as the leaders of your countries, you have the power

887. to bring the world together under the principles of the Film Actors Guild.

888. You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.

889. Ten minutes, Mr Baldwin.

890. Who the hell you?

891. I'm with the Film Actors Guild. I'm here to help with the broadcast.

892. Then you show credentials.

893. Hey, you don't need to see my credentials.

894. I left them at home and I'm running late.

895. - I berieve him. - Yeah, me, too.

896. Okay, have a nice day.

897. My God, his acting is better than ever.

898. Don't worry, fellas, I've got my pass right here.

899. Please, Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins,

900. you don't understand what Kim Jong II is doing.

901. Shut up. We have explicit instructions to watch you.

902. - Yeah. We're supposed to be guards. - We're guards.

903. - We're guards, huh? We're guards. - We're guards.

904. Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins. Someone has broken into the main hall.

905. What? Come on, Martin!

906. - Gary? - What the fuck are you doing here?

907. Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa?

908. What the heck do you care? You walked out on her.

909. Look, I wanna make things right.

910. Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base.

911. - Spottswoode is dead, Gary. - Not as dead as you think.

912. - Spottswoode! - Yes, I'm here, Joe.

913. - All right, you're alive! - Great to hear your voices again.

914. Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong II.

915. I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor.

916. What makes you think we'll take you back, douchebag?

917. - We're doing this without you! - Now, hold on, team.

918. Gary has already proven to me

919. that he is 100 % committed to the team.

920. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

921. All right. Come on, team, we gotta find that stage.

922. Rook how much they rove my show. The entire audience is so captivated.

923. And now you see, the new world is inevitabre.

924. - It's what? - Inevitabre.

925. - One more time. - Inevitabre!

926. Things are inevitabry going to change.

927. God damn it, open your fucking ears.

928. - Five minutes, Mr Baldwin. - Thank you.

929. - Alec, we have a problem. - Team America escaped.

930. What? You fools. They'll ruin everything.

931. We better warn everyone. They'll be headed here.

932. No. We can't look weak and powerless.

933. If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get.

934. Every actor, grab a gun and keep Team America

935. from reaching this ceremony at all costs.

936. I swear they won't reach this stage.

937. Jesus! What have we got?

938. Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.

939. Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo.

940. Drop your weapons.

941. Fucking die!

942. We gotta split up.

943. Sarah, you and Gary go that way. Chris and I will go right.

944. No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe.

945. I guess you're with me, cockfag.

946. - Danny Glover! - Come on, Penn.

947. - We must protect the show. - Right.

948. - The stage must be that way. - No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!

949. Very impressive, warmongers.

950. Now let's see how Kim Jong II's panthers treat you.

951. I went to Iraq, you know!

952. - Susan Sarandon. - Oh, thank God.

953. We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong II is mad.

954. Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theatre is.

955. - All right. - No, Chris, stay away from her.

956. - Fuck you. She wants to help us. - No, Chris, she's acting.

957. I am not. The others tied me up

958. because I wouldn't go along with their plans.

959. Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.

960. You shall die a peasant's death!

961. Jesus titty-fucking Christ.

962. I could've sworn she was telling the truth.

963. That's why they call it acting. Come on, we gotta find Lisa.

964. I was 19 years old when the musical Cats came to our town.

965. I couldn't wait to see it.

966. After the show, I was asked if I wanted to go meet

967. some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled.

968. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control.

969. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg.

970. I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down and...

971. I was raped by Mr Mistoffelees.

972. That's why you don't trust actors.

973. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.

974. If there's still a world left when this is all over,

975. I'd like to buy you a beer.

976. Come on, let's go. We're running out of time.

977. Sarah, before we die, I want to finally tell you that I love you.

978. No. No, I'm not gonna let it end like this.

979. We are not your enemy, furry ones. You will not attack us.

980. Sarah, that isn't going to work. You don't really have mental powers.

981. Your captors are behind you, Shebas. Show your anger to them.

982. Sarah, you did it!

983. Wait. Hold on.

984. Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theatre.

985. Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...

986. Gary!

987. - Actors, ho! - Helen Hunt.

988. Samuel Jackson.

989. Matt Damon.

990. Motherfucker.

991. Gary, Chris, come in.

992. And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr Arec Barrwin.

993. We are here to usher in a new era without violence.

994. By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild,

995. the world can become a better place

996. that handles dangerous people with talk and reasoning.

997. That is the F.A.G. way.

998. One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say,

999. "Wow. Good going, F.A.G.

1000. "You really made the world a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"

1001. Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft.

1002. Oh, God, no.

1003. You see? No Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion to save the day.

1004. This is the real world.

1005. I'm afraid your world is over.

1006. In five minutes.

1007. Yes, the ticking crock.

1008. Sorry, Team America, but you see, we must live in a time of peace.

1009. Put down the gas can now.

1010. Kill them.

1011. Jackson!

1012. Team, you've got to hurry.

1013. Let's go, bitch. I've done action films.

1014. Come on.

1015. Matt Damon!

1016. Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me.

1017. Don't fucking move!

1018. Now, isn't that a shame.

1019. You came so close to stopping peace.

1020. But you see, peace always finds a way.

1021. Goodbye, Team America.

1022. I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.

1023. - What's that? - I'm a smoker.

1024. Now that the world is going to be run peacefully,

1025. we should all drive hybrid cars.

1026. Right now famiries are gathering in parks,

1027. children are walking to school, friends are sitting in movie theatres.

1028. All compretery unaware that the world is about to change forever.

1029. All because of me.

1030. Stop that man.

1031. Gary!

1032. - Team America? - God damn it.

1033. Sorry to interrupt the show, everyone, but Kim Jong II

1034. is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him.

1035. Oh, no, you're not.

1036. This is a peace conference.

1037. And if you even try to touch Kim Jong II,

1038. this audience and I will rise up against you.

1039. Fuck off, Team America!

1040. Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience

1041. to let you do your job.

1042. - Gary, you've got to take the stage. - No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.

1043. - He's the best actor in the world. - You have to try.

1044. - I'm not that good. - Actually...

1045. You're the finest actor I've ever met.

1046. Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast.

1047. I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now,

1048. but Kim Jong II is a lot worse.

1049. You can't out-act me, boy. Don't even try.

1050. For the truth is that Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations.

1051. They are just as bad as the enemies they fight.

1052. Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!

1053. We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.

1054. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.

1055. And Kim Jong II is an asshole.

1056. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks.

1057. But dicks also fuck assholes,

1058. assholes who just wanna shit on everything.

1059. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.

1060. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole

1061. is a dick with some balls.

1062. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much.

1063. - Or fuck when it isn't appropriate. - Yes, Gary, yes.

1064. And it takes a pussy to show them that.

1065. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit

1066. that they become assholes themselves.

1067. Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes.

1068. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world,

1069. but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole,

1070. we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies

1071. all covered in shit.

1072. Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong II.

1073. Do something, Arec Barrwin!

1074. The... Global warming and... Corporate America...

1075. You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

1076. Don't fucking move! You were all going to be treated

1077. to a faburous show. But now party's over.

1078. - For I am the great Kim Jong II. - Lisa.

1079. And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived.

1080. Terrorize this.

1081. - Lisa, are you okay? - No, Gary, the countdown.

1082. You have to stop it.

1083. - What do I do? - Hit the big "cancel" button!

1084. - Gary, how did you manage this? - Spottswoode helped me.

1085. Spottswoode? He's alive?

1086. Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I...

1087. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."

1088. Attention. Attention, everyone.

1089. All you in the audience should go to your homes now.

1090. Your countries need you. But the world will be safe,

1091. thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

1092. Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is.

1093. He's a man who knows

1094. that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.

1095. A bond that cannot be broken.

1096. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees

1097. and put that cock right in his mouth.

1098. Wait a minute. Look!

1099. You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong II.

1100. I will return!

1101. You shall see. I will be back!

1102. So rong, earthrings!

1103. We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong II.

1104. All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party,

1105. but there's still a lot of bad guys out there.

1106. Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.

1107. Fuck, yeah.

1108. America

1109. - America - Fuck, yeah

1110. Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah

1111. - America - Fuck, yeah

1112. Freedom is the only way, yeah

1113. Terrorists, your game is through

1114. 'Cause now you have to answer to

1115. - America - Fuck, yeah

1116. So lick my butt And suck on my balls

1117. - America - Fuck, yeah

1118. What you gonna do When we come for you now?

1119. It's the dream that we all share

1120. - It's the hope for tomorrow - Fuck, yeah

1121. - McDonald's - Fuck, yeah

1122. - Wal-Mart - Fuck, yeah

1123. - The Gap - Fuck, yeah

1124. - Baseball - Fuck, yeah

1125. - NFL - Fuck, yeah

1126. - Rock 'n' roll - Fuck, yeah

1127. - The Internet - Fuck, yeah

1128. - Slavery - Fuck, yeah

1129. Fuck, yeah

1130. Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

1131. The Pope has got it and so do you

1132. Come on, everybody We got quilting to do

1133. We're gonna break down These barricades

1134. Everyone has

1135. Freedom isn't free

1136. It costs folks like you and me

1137. And if we don't all chip in

1138. We'll never pay that bill

1139. Freedom isn't free

1140. No, there's a hefty fucking fee

1141. And if you don't throw in your buck-o-five, who will?

1142. Buck-o-five

1143. Freedom costs a buck-o-five

1144. Only a woman Can brighten up my day

1145. Only a woman Can touch me the right way, yeah

1146. Only a woman Is allowed to touch me there

1147. All I ask Is that you're a woman

1148. I'm so ronery

1149. So ronery

1150. So ronery and sadry arone

1151. There's no one Just me onry

1152. Sitting on my rittle throne

1153. I work rearry hard And make up great prans

1154. But nobody ristens No one understands

1155. Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry

1156. And so

1157. I'm ronery

1158. A rittle ronery

1159. Poor rittle me

1160. I need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school

1161. He was terrible in that film

1162. I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part

1163. He's way better than Ben Affleck And now

1164. All I can think about is your smile

1165. And that shitty movie, too

1166. Pearl Harbor sucked

1167. And I miss you

1168. Why does Michael Bay Get to keep on making movies?

1169. I guess Pearl Harbor sucked

1170. Just a little bit more Than I miss you

1171. Show a lot of things Happening at once

1172. Remind everyone Of what's going on

1173. And with every shot Show a little improvement

1174. To show it all would take too long

1175. - That's called a montage - Montage

1176. - Girl, we want a montage - Montage

1177. In anything, if you want to go

1178. From just a beginner to a pro

1179. - You need a montage - Montage

1180. - Even Rocky had a montage - Montage

1181. - Always fade out in a montage - Montage

1182. If you fade out It seems like more time has passed

1183. I was sent from planet Gyron To conquer the Earth

1184. I had a terrific pran I thought it would work

1185. Tried to get the earthrings All to kill each other, you see

1186. But it all went wrong And now I must decree

1187. You are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin

1188. You failed in every way And now my stock in you has farren

1189. Your career is starring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin

1190. That's why I brew your head off And your children are all bawring

1191. Pranet Gyron is inhabited With Zypods rike me

1192. But also with Barmacks Who are giant bees

1193. The Zypods and the Barmacks Are at constant war

1194. So we wanted a new home And that's what Earth was for

1195. But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin

1196. You fucked up my whole pran

1197. And now Gyron is smeared With Barmack porren

1198. Your garbage needs some hauring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin

1199. Now I must return home a failure

1200. I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock Is carring