1. Oh, hello.Copy !req
2. Jean Francois?Copy !req
3. Jean Francois.Copy !req
4. You in the robes.Copy !req
5. Put down the weapon
of mass destructionCopy !req
6. and get on the ground.
You're under arrest.Copy !req
7. Put down your weapons now!Copy !req
8. Why can't they ever do this
the easy way?Copy !req
9. World Police. Get down on the ground!Copy !req
10. Hey, terrorist.Copy !req
11. Terrorize this.Copy !req
12. All right, let's make this interesting.Copy !req
13. Kee-ya!Copy !req
14. You lose.Copy !req
15. He's getting away with the WMD!
I got him.Copy !req
16. Damn, I missed him.Copy !req
17. Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?Copy !req
18. I got him, Carson.
He's heading for the Louvre.Copy !req
19. Your plans are over.Copy !req
20. All right, Sarah.
Yeah, all right, team!Copy !req
21. Nothing to it.Copy !req
22. Whoo!
All right.Copy !req
23. Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry.
Everything is bon.Copy !req
24. We stopped the terrorists.Copy !req
25. I was doing a lot of thinking
on the ride over here.Copy !req
26. Oh, yeah? About what?Copy !req
27. I was thinking that I want you
to marry me.Copy !req
28. Don't joke about that.
Who's joking?Copy !req
29. Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may
need to order up a wedding cake.Copy !req
30. He finally popped the question?
Lisa, you're an amazing woman.Copy !req
31. And a damn fine cop. And I want
to spend the rest of my life with you.Copy !req
32. Oh, Carson. Carson...Copy !req
33. Carson!Copy !req
34. No!Copy !req
35. Carson.Copy !req
36. Feel so cold.
You have to hang on, Carson.Copy !req
37. Sorry, babe.
Looks like this was a one-way ticket.Copy !req
38. No.Copy !req
39. Lisa, you have to live on.Copy !req
40. Find someone else who will love you.
Find someone else and be happy.Copy !req
41. You deserve...Copy !req
42. No!Copy !req
43. Everyone has AIDSCopy !req
44. AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
45. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
46. Everyone has AIDSCopy !req
47. And so this
is the end of our storyCopy !req
48. And everyone is dead from AIDSCopy !req
49. It took from me my best friendCopy !req
50. My only true palCopy !req
51. My only bright starCopy !req
52. He died of AIDSCopy !req
53. Well, I'm gonna march on WashingtonCopy !req
54. Lead the fight
And charge the brigadesCopy !req
55. There's a hero inside of all of usCopy !req
56. I'll make them see
Everyone has AIDSCopy !req
57. My fatherCopy !req
58. My sisterCopy !req
59. My uncle and my cousin
And her best friendCopy !req
60. AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
61. The gays and the straights
And the whites and the spadesCopy !req
62. Everyone has AIDS
My grandma and my dog Ole BlueCopy !req
63. AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
64. The Pope has got it
and so do youCopy !req
65. Come on, everybody
We got quilting to doCopy !req
66. We're gonna break down
These barricadesCopy !req
67. Everyone has
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
68. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
69. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
70. Great job, Gary.
Thanks. You, too, Steve.Copy !req
71. That was the greatest acting
I've ever seen.Copy !req
72. I just don't know how you do it, Gary.Copy !req
73. How do you make yourself
so somber and emotionalCopy !req
74. to make everybody cry like that?Copy !req
75. It's not that hard, really. I just think
about the saddest moment in my life.Copy !req
76. Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.Copy !req
77. Gary. Oh, no.
Help me! Help me!Copy !req
78. Get off of me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!Copy !req
79. Hello, young man. Congratulations
on a terrific performance.Copy !req
80. Oh, thank you.
I don't believe we've met, Mr...?Copy !req
81. The name is Spottswoode.Copy !req
82. Well, nice to meet you.
And you are Gary Johnston.Copy !req
83. All-American actor who graduated
Iowa University summa cum laudeCopy !req
84. with a double major in theatre
and world languages.Copy !req
85. You've been at the top of every
acting class since you were a child.Copy !req
86. Top-gun actor.Copy !req
87. Hey, hold on a second,
are you from Hollywood?Copy !req
88. I have an incredible offer for you, Gary.
If you're interested, follow me this way.Copy !req
89. Please, Gary, step into my car.Copy !req
90. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
91. I'm supposed to get in your car
and let you put your finger inside me.Copy !req
92. Then if I go down on you,
I get a movie part.Copy !req
93. No, I just want to show you something.Copy !req
94. Yeah, I'll bet you do.Copy !req
95. Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood.Copy !req
96. I'm not going to fuck your mouth,
and my time is extremely valuable.Copy !req
97. Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Yes, it is.Copy !req
98. Now, suck my cock.Copy !req
99. Just kidding.Copy !req
100. All right, just what the hell
is this about?Copy !req
101. I hate to break this to you, Gary,Copy !req
102. but some people out there
want you dead.Copy !req
103. Dead?
They're called terrorists, Gary.Copy !req
104. And they hate everything about you.Copy !req
105. Why? What did I do to them?
I'm just a Broadway actor.Copy !req
106. It's not who you are, Gary,
it's what you stand for.Copy !req
107. And every single minute
of every single day,Copy !req
108. the terrorists are planning new waysCopy !req
109. to kill you and everyone else
who lives in a free country.Copy !req
110. The only thing standing
in their way is us.Copy !req
111. You?Copy !req
112. Baxter, I think we can
valmorphanise safely now.Copy !req
113. Okay, a limousine that can fly.
Now I have seen everything.Copy !req
114. Really? Have you seen a man
eat his own head?Copy !req
115. No.
So then you haven't seen everything.Copy !req
116. And neither have we.Copy !req
117. Last week in Paris,
we caught four terroristsCopy !req
118. with a weapon of mass destruction.Copy !req
119. The terrorists are planning
something very big.Copy !req
120. And just what does this have
to do with me?Copy !req
121. Our only hope is to have somebody
act like a terroristCopy !req
122. who wants to help them
carry out the attack.Copy !req
123. An actor convincing enough to make
the terrorists think he's one of them.Copy !req
124. This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.Copy !req
125. That's all spying is, acting.
And they say you're the best.Copy !req
126. An actor with a double major
in theatre and world languages?Copy !req
127. Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.Copy !req
128. Look out!Copy !req
129. Right this way, you maverick renegade.Copy !req
130. Welcome to Team Base.Copy !req
131. Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback
from the University of Nebraska.Copy !req
132. He's a natural-born leader.Copy !req
133. I've heard a lot about your acting,
Mr Johnston.Copy !req
134. Hope it's as good as they say it is.Copy !req
135. And this is Sarah,Copy !req
136. the top empath from Berkeley's
School for the ClairvoyantCopy !req
137. in San Francisco.Copy !req
138. I sense that you're slightly
confused right now.Copy !req
139. That's supposed to be Carson's
replacement, a fucking actor?Copy !req
140. Don't mind Chris.
He may be lacking courtesy,Copy !req
141. but he's the best martial-arts expert
Detroit has to offer.Copy !req
142. That's right, actor.
Just stay the fuck away from me.Copy !req
143. And finally, we have our
psychology expert. Where's Lisa?Copy !req
144. Right here.Copy !req
145. Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes
in how the terrorists think.Copy !req
146. Usually a case of malignant narcissism
brought on during childhood.Copy !req
147. We've been doing our best
to keep the world safe, Gary.Copy !req
148. But now somebody has supplied
the terrorists with WMDs.Copy !req
149. And intelligence tells us
they plan to use them.Copy !req
150. Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?Copy !req
151. That is affirmative.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?Copy !req
152. The most sophisticated computer
in the world.Copy !req
153. I've intercepted communications
that several terrorist groupsCopy !req
154. are being organized for one
massive worldwide attack.Copy !req
155. From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
has gathered,Copy !req
156. it would be 9/11 times 100.Copy !req
157. 9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's...Copy !req
158. Yes, 91,100.Copy !req
159. Basically, all the worst parts
of the Bible.Copy !req
160. So now you see why we need you.Copy !req
161. We will disguise you as a terrorist and
take you deep into the Middle East.Copy !req
162. If your acting is successful, you'll be
able to get us the information we needCopy !req
163. to stop this whole thing
from happening.Copy !req
164. Of course, if you're not interested,Copy !req
165. there's the door.Copy !req
166. All right. Thanks.Copy !req
167. Huh!Copy !req
168. Gary. Hey, hold on a second.Copy !req
169. Don't you understand?
Every country in the world is in danger.Copy !req
170. How is it my responsibility
to do something?Copy !req
171. Because like it or not, you're the one
with the power to do something.Copy !req
172. I can't fight terrorists. I don't know
anything about guns or jets.Copy !req
173. That doesn't matter.
If you want to help people,Copy !req
174. all that matters, Gary,
is what you have here.Copy !req
175. Just think about it, okay?
Here, take this.Copy !req
176. Baxter will take you wherever
you wanna go. Just remember,Copy !req
177. your freedom's at stake, too.Copy !req
178. What do you think Spottswoode
sees in him?Copy !req
179. I don't know. But I think I see it, too.Copy !req
180. Hey, Baxter.Copy !req
181. I wanna take a detour.Copy !req
182. What would you doCopy !req
183. If you were asked to give up
your dreams for freedom?Copy !req
184. What would you doCopy !req
185. If asked to make
the ultimate sacrifice?Copy !req
186. Would you think about
all them peopleCopy !req
187. Who gave up everything they had?Copy !req
188. Would you think about
all them war vetsCopy !req
189. And would you start to feel bad?Copy !req
190. Freedom isn't freeCopy !req
191. It costs folks like you and meCopy !req
192. And if we don't all chip inCopy !req
193. We'll never pay that billCopy !req
194. Freedom isn't freeCopy !req
195. No, there's a hefty fucking feeCopy !req
196. And if you don't throw in
your buck-o-five, who will?Copy !req
197. Buck-o-fiveCopy !req
198. Freedom costs a buck-o-fiveCopy !req
199. Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, says
the weapons of mass destructionCopy !req
200. you requested are ready for you to take.Copy !req
201. I am still in the process of recruitingCopy !req
202. and training new terrorists
for the attack.Copy !req
203. We take weapons later.Copy !req
204. He asks what part of the deal
you did not understand.Copy !req
205. He says perhaps his translator
did not make it clear to you.Copy !req
206. He says he should fire his translator?Copy !req
207. Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am?Copy !req
208. I cannot berieve that I actually have
a Chechnyan standing hereCopy !req
209. terring me when
he's gonna take a derivery.Copy !req
210. Herro?Copy !req
211. Perhaps we can be ready sooner.Copy !req
212. Yes, perhaps you can.Copy !req
213. Now, take your weapons
of mass destructionCopy !req
214. and get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
215. I had to come back.Copy !req
216. I know you did, son.
I still say this is a fucking mistake.Copy !req
217. Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're
making him feel intimidated.Copy !req
218. Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.Copy !req
219. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us
the attack is imminent.Copy !req
220. We need you to act like
a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.Copy !req
221. There's just one problem.
I don't look Middle Eastern.Copy !req
222. Leave that to us.Copy !req
223. Sarah's a professional at skin grafting
and laser valmoriphication.Copy !req
224. Just try to be still.Copy !req
225. Amazing.Copy !req
226. The valmoriphication
completely worked.Copy !req
227. Sit up and take a look, Gary.Copy !req
228. It's uncanny.Copy !req
229. You're going to fool everyone, Gary.Copy !req
230. Or should I say,Copy !req
231. Hakmed.Copy !req
232. All right, team, we've only got
one shot at this, so listen up.Copy !req
233. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
has intercepted communicationsCopy !req
234. that terrorists from different countries
are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo.Copy !req
235. Cairo. That's in Egypt.Copy !req
236. Exactly right, Joe.Copy !req
237. Now, team, your mission will be
to get Gary into that tavern.Copy !req
238. And once he's on the inside,
cover his back.Copy !req
239. Gary, you must use your actingCopy !req
240. to find out any information you can
from the terrorists.Copy !req
241. Gary, if for some reason
your cover is blownCopy !req
242. and the terrorists take you prisoner,Copy !req
243. well, you'll probably want
to take your own life.Copy !req
244. Here, you'd better have this.Copy !req
245. All right, team, that's it.
We've got a job to do.Copy !req
246. Let's go police the world.Copy !req
247. AmericaCopy !req
248. AmericaCopy !req
249. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
250. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeahCopy !req
251. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
252. Freedom is the only way, yeahCopy !req
253. Terrorists, your game is throughCopy !req
254. 'Cause now you have to answer toCopy !req
255. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
256. So lick my butt
And suck on my ballsCopy !req
257. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
258. What if the old man is wrong
about him, huh?Copy !req
259. What if he's not the great actor
Spottswoode says he is?Copy !req
260. Why don't you trust actors, Chris?Copy !req
261. I got my reasons.Copy !req
262. You all right, Gary?Copy !req
263. I was just thinking.Copy !req
264. Onstage, if I mess up a line,
it could mean a bad review.Copy !req
265. If I mess up here,Copy !req
266. we're all dead.Copy !req
267. I believe you can do this, Gary.Copy !req
268. Why? What reason do you
have to believe?Copy !req
269. Sometimes believing is all we have.Copy !req
270. Fear not, Muslim friends.
We're here to find terrorists.Copy !req
271. I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.Copy !req
272. All right, good job, Sarah.
Now, everyone make for the tavern.Copy !req
273. Let's get one thing straight, actor.
I don't trust you.Copy !req
274. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking
balls off and stuff them up your assCopy !req
275. so that the next time you shit,
you'll shit all over your balls, got it?Copy !req
276. What's your problem with me?
Yeah, you wanna go?Copy !req
277. Guys, guys, guys!Copy !req
278. Don't you see this is just
what the terrorists want us to do?Copy !req
279. The war is out there, man. Out there.
Now, pull it together.Copy !req
280. All right, team, let's move
to the inner city. Keep it quiet.Copy !req
281. Clear.
Clear.Copy !req
282. All right, Gary, you follow me.
The rest of the team,Copy !req
283. take super-secret hiding positions
Alpha One.Copy !req
284. All right, that's the tavern
with the blue door.Copy !req
285. Act your way past those guards
and see what you can find out.Copy !req
286. Remember, if you think they're
onto you, give us the signal.Copy !req
287. You remember the signal?Copy !req
288. That's right. All right, good luck.Copy !req
289. Go get them, cowboy.Copy !req
290. Oh, shit.Copy !req
291. Come on, Gary, act.
You have the power.Copy !req
292. All right, Gary!
Told you he was top-gun.Copy !req
293. I've never seen acting that good.
He's amazing.Copy !req
294. Yeah, no, I know.
It's terrible, terrible.Copy !req
295. We are Bashir rebels from
the country of Somalia. Who are you?Copy !req
296. My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.Copy !req
297. Anybody know of any terrorist attacks
coming up soon?Copy !req
298. I sense that I'm becoming
attracted to Gary.Copy !req
299. My advice is not to get involved
with a team member, Sarah.Copy !req
300. It's too painful to see them die.Copy !req
301. I'm sorry, Lisa.
I didn't mean to bring up...Copy !req
302. It's okay, Sarah.
I treasure your friendship.Copy !req
303. I treasure yours, Lisa.Copy !req
304. Hey, have you ever thought
of telling Sarah how you feel?Copy !req
305. What would a girl like Sarah want
with a simple Nebraska boy like me?Copy !req
306. I don't know nothing about fancy cars
and fancy restaurants.Copy !req
307. Still, I'd love to show her
a full-moon night on the cornfields.Copy !req
308. What do you know?Copy !req
309. I heard there might be
a large terrorist attack.Copy !req
310. If you tell me what it is,
maybe I could help out.Copy !req
311. Get out of here. We have put out
a jihad on the infidelsCopy !req
312. because they destroyed our lives.Copy !req
313. What do you know
about pain and sadness?Copy !req
314. Gary. Help me! Help me!Copy !req
315. Get him off!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!Copy !req
316. I was just a boy when the infidels
came to my villageCopy !req
317. in their BLACK HAWK helicopters.Copy !req
318. The infidels fired at the oil fields
and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.Copy !req
319. Burning oil rained down from the sky
and cooked everything it touched.Copy !req
320. I could only hide myself and cry
as my goats were consumedCopy !req
321. by the fiery, black liquid death.Copy !req
322. In the midst of the chaos,Copy !req
323. I could swear that I heard my goats
screaming for help.Copy !req
324. As quickly as they had come,
the infidels were gone.Copy !req
325. It was on that day I put a jihad on them.Copy !req
326. And if you don't believe it,
then you better kill me now,Copy !req
327. because I'll put a jihad on you, too.Copy !req
328. I like you. You have balls.Copy !req
329. I like balls.Copy !req
330. All right, listen carefully.
The WMDs are locatedCopy !req
331. in a secret bunker 20 yards east
of this building.Copy !req
332. You can help usCopy !req
333. by guarding it and making...Copy !req
334. Come. They're onto us!Copy !req
335. Hurry, friend.
We must make our escape.Copy !req
336. Shit. I've got five terrorists going
southeast on Baka laka daka Street.Copy !req
337. Don't let them get away.Copy !req
338. I sense Gary's trapped
inside the tavern.Copy !req
339. Copy, Sarah. You get Gary,
we'll go after the terrorists.Copy !req
340. AmericaCopy !req
341. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
342. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeahCopy !req
343. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
344. Freedom is the only way, yeahCopy !req
345. It's the dream that we all shareCopy !req
346. It's the hope for tomorrowCopy !req
347. Go faster, you idiot.Copy !req
348. Die! Infidels!Copy !req
349. They're not stopping.
They had their chance.Copy !req
350. Missed. Wide right.Copy !req
351. One of the terrorists is trying
to tell us something.Copy !req
352. It's me. It's me.Copy !req
353. Looks like he's saying,
"Kiss me. Kiss me."Copy !req
354. Smartass motherfucker.Copy !req
355. Gary?
An infidel.Copy !req
356. Kill her.Copy !req
357. Gary?Copy !req
358. Sarah to Team America 4.Copy !req
359. What you got, Sarah?Copy !req
360. Gary isn't in the tavern.
I think he may be with...Copy !req
361. Say again, Sarah. You're breaking up.
Joe, do you copy?Copy !req
362. I'll get him.
Lisa?Copy !req
363. I lost her.Copy !req
364. It's all right. We'll kill these guys,
then we'll find out what she wants.Copy !req
365. Right.Copy !req
366. Hey, hey, guys, I think
we should pull over.Copy !req
367. Pull over? Yes, of course.Copy !req
368. Pull over, let them pass us, and when
they turn around, we charge them.Copy !req
369. I love your balls.Copy !req
370. Shit, they got by me.Copy !req
371. What are we doing?
This jeep is filled with explosives.Copy !req
372. We're going to take their lives
and our own.Copy !req
373. We're gonna what?Copy !req
374. Hang on, Joe.
Die, infidels.Copy !req
375. Surprise, cockfags!Copy !req
376. All right. We fucking did it.Copy !req
377. Spottswoode, it's Lisa.Copy !req
378. Gary found the WMDs
and the terrorists are down.Copy !req
379. Great job, team. Head back to base
for debriefing and cocktails.Copy !req
380. (ON TV) This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.Copy !req
381. Team America has once again
pissed off the entire worldCopy !req
382. after blowing up half of Cairo.Copy !req
383. And now some Hollywood celebrities
are lashing out.Copy !req
384. Alec Baldwin is head
of the Film Actors Guild.Copy !req
385. The Film Actors Guild believesCopy !req
386. that what the world needs
is compassion, not violence.Copy !req
387. All that Team America
does is create new enemies.Copy !req
388. Let me explain to you how this works.Copy !req
389. You see, the corporations
finance Team America.Copy !req
390. And then Team America goes out,
and the corporations sit there in their...Copy !req
391. In their corporation buildings,
and, see, they're all corporation-y,Copy !req
392. and they make money.Copy !req
393. Last year I went to Iraq.Copy !req
394. Before Team America showed up,
it was a happy place.Copy !req
395. They had flowery meadows
and rainbow skiesCopy !req
396. and rivers made of chocolate,
where the children dancedCopy !req
397. and laughed and played
with gumdrop smiles.Copy !req
398. The actors are calling
for an emergency meeting.Copy !req
399. Already expected to attend
are Helen Hunt,Copy !req
400. George Clooney, Liv Tyler,
Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,Copy !req
401. Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon.Copy !req
402. Matt Damon.Copy !req
403. In the meantime, the world wants
to deal with dangerous individualsCopy !req
404. their own way.Copy !req
405. Hans Brix? Oh, no.Copy !req
406. Oh, herro,
great to see you again, Hans.Copy !req
407. Mr Il, I was supposed to be allowed
to inspect your palace today,Copy !req
408. and your guards won't let me into
certain areas.Copy !req
409. Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been
through this a dozen times.Copy !req
410. I don't have any weapons
of mass destruction, okay, Hans?Copy !req
411. Then let me look around
so I can ease the UN's collective mind.Copy !req
412. Hans, you're breaking my barrs here.
Hans, you're breaking my barrs.Copy !req
413. I'm sorry, but the UN must be
firm with you.Copy !req
414. Let me see your whole palace, or else.Copy !req
415. Or else what?Copy !req
416. Or else we will be very,
very angry with you.Copy !req
417. And we will write you a letter
telling you how angry we are.Copy !req
418. Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready?Copy !req
419. Stand a rittle to your reft.Copy !req
420. A rittle more.Copy !req
421. Good.Copy !req
422. There you go, Hans Brix.Copy !req
423. How you rike that,
you fucking cocksucker?Copy !req
424. Do you have any idea
how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?Copy !req
425. Well, fuck you. You want inspection?Copy !req
426. Well, inspect that,
you buttfucking piece of shit.Copy !req
427. What, you think I'm just
a petty arms dearer?Copy !req
428. I'm pranning the attack.Copy !req
429. Congraturations, Team America,
you have stopped nothing.Copy !req
430. Congratulations, Gary.
You've done an amazing thing.Copy !req
431. It will be years before the terrorists
have the resources to attack again.Copy !req
432. We're gonna be unstoppable
with you on the team, Gary.Copy !req
433. Terrorists, your game is through.Copy !req
434. You're the best, Gary.Copy !req
435. So this terrorist is shooting at us
from the back of his jeep, and he...Copy !req
436. You might have all the others fooled,
but not me.Copy !req
437. Your acting was reckless
and it put us all in danger.Copy !req
438. The next time you pull a stunt like that,
I'll drill two holes through your dickCopy !req
439. so that when you pee, it shoots out
in all different directions. You got it?Copy !req
440. Hey, Sarah, do you mind
if I dance with you?Copy !req
441. No, of course not, Joe.Copy !req
442. Joe, do you think it's okay
for team members to date?Copy !req
443. Uh, Sarah, really?Copy !req
444. Yeah. Do you think it's all right?Copy !req
445. I think it's better than all right. It's great!Copy !req
446. Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.Copy !req
447. Gary? You okay?Copy !req
448. I was just wondering if I can let go
of an old, painful memory.Copy !req
449. Is it anything that you wanna talk about?Copy !req
450. When I was a kid, I always looked up
to my older brother, Tommy.Copy !req
451. He was the jock,
and I was the little performer.Copy !req
452. We were all out at the zoo one day.Copy !req
453. I was doing some acting, walking
on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.Copy !req
454. I fell in.Copy !req
455. Everyone screamed,
and Tommy jumped in after me,Copy !req
456. forgetting that he had blueberries
in his front pocket.Copy !req
457. The gorillas just went wild.Copy !req
458. They jumped all over his body
and threw him around like a rag dollCopy !req
459. to get to those blueberries.Copy !req
460. One gorilla would throw him to another
gorilla, who tossed him to another.Copy !req
461. Everyone panicked and cried out
for somebody to help,Copy !req
462. but it was too late.Copy !req
463. The gorillas beat him to death before
the zookeepers could gas them all.Copy !req
464. My actingCopy !req
465. got my brother killed.Copy !req
466. I've had to live with thatCopy !req
467. every single day.Copy !req
468. Gary, you can't blame yourself
for what gorillas did.Copy !req
469. I think I can finally let it go.Copy !req
470. Because my acting
saved the entire world.Copy !req
471. And something even better happened.Copy !req
472. What?Copy !req
473. I met somebody
who took my breath away.Copy !req
474. Gary, no.Copy !req
475. I'm sorry.Copy !req
476. It's just...
Things are really complicated, Gary.Copy !req
477. I know about Carson.Copy !req
478. I know how it feels.Copy !req
479. God, I'm so confused.Copy !req
480. It's too soon to be
having feelings for you.Copy !req
481. Maybe feelings are feelings
because we can't control them.Copy !req
482. But I have to control themCopy !req
483. because I can't go through losing
somebody again. It's too painful.Copy !req
484. So... So, what, you're just
gonna shut down?Copy !req
485. I really like you.Copy !req
486. There's no chance
we can ever be together?Copy !req
487. Only if you could promise me
you'll never die.Copy !req
488. You know I can't promise that.Copy !req
489. If you did that,
I would make love to you right now.Copy !req
490. I promise. I will never die.Copy !req
491. I need this, I need love
I need youCopy !req
492. I don't need one heartbeat
I need twoCopy !req
493. There's an emptiness I need to fillCopy !req
494. And only one emptiness will doCopy !req
495. Only a woman
Can brighten up my dayCopy !req
496. Only a woman
Can touch me the right way, yeahCopy !req
497. Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me thereCopy !req
498. All I ask
Is that you're a womanCopy !req
499. Lisa, you're the most amazing person
I've ever met.Copy !req
500. It's only been a short time,Copy !req
501. but I think that I'm completely in love...
Shh...Copy !req
502. Let's not talk.Copy !req
503. I can't help it. This just feels so right,Copy !req
504. and I don't want anything to mess it up.
Shh...Copy !req
505. There's not a thing in the world
that can mess this up.Copy !req
506. Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.Copy !req
507. At 7:15 this morning,
the terrorists carried out their attack.Copy !req
508. What?
But how can that be?Copy !req
509. Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.Copy !req
510. It appears now that
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrongCopy !req
511. about the Chechnyans being in charge.Copy !req
512. That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.Copy !req
513. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
514. We have to find out who did this
and take them down. Fast.Copy !req
515. Sir, I am intercepting communications
about the terrorists' identities.Copy !req
516. On screen.Copy !req
517. This is breaking news
with Peter Jennings.Copy !req
518. An attack in Panama today
has left thousands dead.Copy !req
519. Taking credit were terrorists
from Derka Derkastan.Copy !req
520. Of course, Derka Derkastan.Copy !req
521. The terrorists claim that the attack
was a retaliationCopy !req
522. for Team America's actions in Cairo.Copy !req
523. Alec Baldwin is rallying all
the members of the Film Actors Guild.Copy !req
524. Alec Baldwin?
Gary?Copy !req
525. He's my hero.Copy !req
526. The single greatest actor of all time.Copy !req
527. Who is to blame for these attacks
in Panama?Copy !req
528. The terrorists?Copy !req
529. The person who supplied them
with WMDs?Copy !req
530. No. Blame Team America.Copy !req
531. Their reckless disregard in Cairo
brought on this violence today.Copy !req
532. Team America, the blood of the victims
of Panama is on your hands.Copy !req
533. Moved by Baldwin's
impassioned speech,Copy !req
534. hundreds of people turned out
at Mount Rushmore today to protest.Copy !req
535. Hey, that's here.Copy !req
536. Tom, it looks like filmmaker
Michael MooreCopy !req
537. is also jumping on the
"Fuck Team America" bandwagon.Copy !req
538. Protesting is not enough.Copy !req
539. We must take radical action against
the fascists in our own country.Copy !req
540. Bring it down! Bring it all down!Copy !req
541. Team, if the Derka Derkastanis
have weapons of mass destruction,Copy !req
542. I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1,000.Copy !req
543. Jesus, you mean...
Yes.Copy !req
544. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.Copy !req
545. Then forget all these assholes.
We got work to do.Copy !req
546. Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanised
so he can use his acting.Copy !req
547. My acting?Copy !req
548. My acting? My acting just got
a thousand people killed.Copy !req
549. Jesus, I've done it again.Copy !req
550. Pull yourself together, Gary.
We need you now more than ever.Copy !req
551. I'm through with this.
Gary, you can't go.Copy !req
552. Without you, the team is doomed.Copy !req
553. Remember, there is no "I"
in Team America.Copy !req
554. Yes, there is.Copy !req
555. I know it's hard, Gary.Copy !req
556. But you're still the only hope
to stop these newer terrorists.Copy !req
557. Why me? Why am I the only one?Copy !req
558. Because you're the one
with the power to...Copy !req
559. Well, I don't want the fucking power!Copy !req
560. I don't want the guilt,
I don't want the shameCopy !req
561. and I don't want the responsibility.Copy !req
562. Then what about all the things
you promised last night?Copy !req
563. You said you'd never leave.Copy !req
564. I said I'd never die.
But now I'm dead inside.Copy !req
565. You slept with Gary?Copy !req
566. Sarah.
But you knew I liked Gary.Copy !req
567. I told you.Copy !req
568. You like Gary?Copy !req
569. Oh, I see.Copy !req
570. I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.
Save it, Lisa.Copy !req
571. You see? All I do is hurt people.Copy !req
572. Gary, you didn't kill your brother.
Those gorillas did.Copy !req
573. I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am.Copy !req
574. I'm just bad news.Copy !req
575. I'll never act again.Copy !req
576. Fuck him. We don't need an actor.Copy !req
577. We can take out the Derka
Derkastanis the old-fashioned way.Copy !req
578. No. It would be a suicide mission.Copy !req
579. That's all right.
I feel a little bit like dying.Copy !req
580. God damn it, Gary.Copy !req
581. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
582. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeahCopy !req
583. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
584. Freedom is the only way
YeahCopy !req
585. Terrorists, your game is throughCopy !req
586. 'Cause now you have to answer toCopy !req
587. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
588. America
FuckCopy !req
589. Gary! Help me!
Get this thing off of me! Gary!Copy !req
590. All right, team.
We're nearing Derka Derkastan.Copy !req
591. Let's get ready.Copy !req
592. Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.Copy !req
593. There's only five of them, team.
This should be easy.Copy !req
594. I've got Korean aircraft at one o'clock.Copy !req
595. What are they doing here?Copy !req
596. Shoot them down. Rike dogs.Copy !req
597. Kim Jong Il?
Why is he helping terrorists?Copy !req
598. I've got one on my tail!Copy !req
599. I got you, Sarah.Copy !req
600. Bring in the submarines.Copy !req
601. What the hell? Something's shooting
at us from the water.Copy !req
602. It must be a Korean sub.
Chris, you've gotta take them out.Copy !req
603. I'm already on it.Copy !req
604. These guys really snuck up on us.Copy !req
605. Yeah, there's a lot of that
going around lately.Copy !req
606. Sarah, you know I didn't mean
to hurt you.Copy !req
607. No, you just didn't care if you did.Copy !req
608. Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair.Copy !req
609. Lisa can't help it
if Gary has feelings for her.Copy !req
610. Just like nobody can help it
if you have feelings for Gary.Copy !req
611. What is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
612. Oh, come on, Sarah.
You mean you never realizedCopy !req
613. Joe has feelings for you?Copy !req
614. Joe? But you're like a brother to me.Copy !req
615. That's all I ever am. Like a brother.
It isn't fair.Copy !req
616. Hang on, team.
Someone has broken into the hangar.Copy !req
617. Baxter?
Hey, Team America.Copy !req
618. I got something for you.Copy !req
619. What the hell?
Prepare to die.Copy !req
620. Jesus titty-fucking...Copy !req
621. Christ!Copy !req
622. Spottswoode!Copy !req
623. Oh, my God!Copy !req
624. No. He can't be dead.Copy !req
625. We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.Copy !req
626. I repeat,
we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.Copy !req
627. Their computers are down. Attack!Copy !req
628. Sarah!
I sense I'm going down.Copy !req
629. Sarah! God, Chris, you gotta help her.Copy !req
630. I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.Copy !req
631. Oh, fuck, I've been hit.Copy !req
632. Chris, come in.Copy !req
633. Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!
Lisa!Copy !req
634. Going down.
God damn it,Copy !req
635. I'm gonna have to breach.Copy !req
636. I'm gonna hit the water.Copy !req
637. Missile lock. I've got missile lock.Copy !req
638. I've gotta bail out.Copy !req
639. Ah!Copy !req
640. Salvage their ships. If you find anyone
arive, you know what to do with them.Copy !req
641. Terrorists on screen.Copy !req
642. Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?Copy !req
643. We were angry about Cairo.Copy !req
644. God damn it, how many times
do I have to tell you?Copy !req
645. You don't use the WMDs
until you see the signal.Copy !req
646. I have worked ten years on this pran.Copy !req
647. It is a very precise
and a compricated pran.Copy !req
648. I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up.Copy !req
649. Now, take the weapons where I told youCopy !req
650. and wait for the goddamn signal
this time. Goodbye.Copy !req
651. Why is everyone so fucking stupid?Copy !req
652. Why aren't more people interrigent?
Rike me?Copy !req
653. I'm so roneryCopy !req
654. So roneryCopy !req
655. So ronery and sadry aroneCopy !req
656. There's no one
Just me onryCopy !req
657. Sitting on my rittle throneCopy !req
658. I work rearry hard
And make up great pransCopy !req
659. But nobody ristens
No one understandsCopy !req
660. Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousryCopy !req
661. And soCopy !req
662. I'm roneryCopy !req
663. A rittle roneryCopy !req
664. Poor rittle meCopy !req
665. There's nobody I can rerate toCopy !req
666. Feel rike a bird in a cageCopy !req
667. It's kind of sirry
But not rearryCopy !req
668. Because it's firring my body
With rageCopy !req
669. I'm the smartest, most crever
Most physicarry fitCopy !req
670. But nobody else seems to rearise itCopy !req
671. When I change the world
Maybe they'll notice meCopy !req
672. And until thenCopy !req
673. I'll just be roneryCopy !req
674. Yeah, a rittle roneryCopy !req
675. Poor rittle meCopy !req
676. I'm so roneryCopy !req
677. What would you doCopy !req
678. If you were asked to give up
Your dreams for freedom?Copy !req
679. What would you do if asked
To make the ultimate sacrifice?Copy !req
680. Hey, weren't you the actor
in that Broadway show?Copy !req
681. Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene
where everyone gets AIDS.Copy !req
682. I don't act any more. I gave that up.Copy !req
683. Oh, come on, man, just a scene.
I said, get away from me!Copy !req
684. I'm completely lost. I've hit rock bottom.Copy !req
685. Easy, easy. Whoa!
You gotta calm down there, Chuck.Copy !req
686. I hurt people. I'm a dick.Copy !req
687. Well, being a dick ain't so bad.Copy !req
688. See, there are three kinds of people,Copy !req
689. dicks, pussies and assholes.Copy !req
690. Pussies think everyone can get along
and dicks just wanna fuck all the timeCopy !req
691. without thinking it through.Copy !req
692. But then you got your assholes, Chuck.Copy !req
693. And all the assholes want
is to shit all over everything.Copy !req
694. So pussies may get mad at dicks
once in a whileCopy !req
695. because pussies get fucked by dicks.Copy !req
696. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.Copy !req
697. And if they didn't fuck the assholes,
you know what you'd get?Copy !req
698. You'd get your dick and your pussy
all covered in shit.Copy !req
699. All right, that does it.
Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.Copy !req
700. Get out of here, I said.Copy !req
701. Lisa!Copy !req
702. Lisa. Lisa, are you here?Copy !req
703. Get out of the street, you fucking bum!Copy !req
704. You gave up on life, didn't you?Copy !req
705. My fellow actors, we live in a dark time.Copy !req
706. The world is becoming more
and more violentCopy !req
707. and the idiots in charge
are making it worse.Copy !req
708. What the world needs is
an international advisory committeeCopy !req
709. who truly understands global politics.Copy !req
710. Namely, us.Copy !req
711. The time has come for us
to start using our acting talentsCopy !req
712. in a different way.Copy !req
713. Yes, we can use our powers
to change the world.Copy !req
714. We will persuade everyone
to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.Copy !req
715. If we focus our acting on global politics,Copy !req
716. we can change everything and stuff.Copy !req
717. As actors, it is our responsibility
to read the newspapersCopy !req
718. and then say what we read
on television like it's our own opinion.Copy !req
719. Matt Damon.Copy !req
720. We've all done action films.Copy !req
721. If anyone tries to get in our way,
we'll show them just how toughCopy !req
722. us actors really are.Copy !req
723. I'm glad you all agree.Copy !req
724. Because I've just been contacted
by a very important political leaderCopy !req
725. who is bringing all
the world leaders togetherCopy !req
726. for a massive
international peace conference.Copy !req
727. And he wants us to be
the keynote speakers.Copy !req
728. Matt Damon!Copy !req
729. Say hello to our new partner.Copy !req
730. Herro.Copy !req
731. Ah!
Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!Copy !req
732. I'm gonna fucking kill you!Copy !req
733. You're not in a position to kill anyone,
my red, white and brue friend.Copy !req
734. So you're the bastard
planning 9/11 times 1,000.Copy !req
735. No. You think so small.Copy !req
736. You see, I'm about to have
an eraborate peace ceremony.Copy !req
737. And while all the world's most
important people are distracted here,Copy !req
738. I will detonate the WMDsCopy !req
739. which I have given to terrorists
arr around the grobe.Copy !req
740. It will be 9/11 times 2,356.Copy !req
741. My God, that's...
I don't even know what that is.Copy !req
742. Nobody does.Copy !req
743. You heartless bastard.
Why would you do such a thing?Copy !req
744. Because then there will be barance.Copy !req
745. Every country will be
a Third World country.Copy !req
746. Just imagine it.Copy !req
747. All around the world, there will be
massive exprosions.Copy !req
748. With nobody to guide them,Copy !req
749. the people will break out into panic
and rioting all over the Earth.Copy !req
750. The true nature of humanity
is unreashed.Copy !req
751. Dog eats dog,
as everyone attacks everyoneCopy !req
752. and fends only for themselves.Copy !req
753. Grobal stabirity unravels.Copy !req
754. By the time my show is over,
it will be far too rate.Copy !req
755. Your plan will fail.Copy !req
756. You'll never keep the world leaders
distracted here for nine hours.Copy !req
757. Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.Copy !req
758. Dear God.Copy !req
759. You are the rast of a dying breed,
the frag-waving American.Copy !req
760. Well, your rittle dream
will soon be over.Copy !req
761. I must get back to pranning
the ceremony now.Copy !req
762. The film actors are on their way.Copy !req
763. Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.Copy !req
764. Having so little faith in humanity
must make you a very lonely man.Copy !req
765. You shall have a front-row seat.Copy !req
766. Bring her upstairs.Copy !req
767. Leave her alone, you son of a bitch!Copy !req
768. Lisa, I treasure your friendship!Copy !req
769. Somebody has to stop this!Copy !req
770. I miss you more than
Michael Bay missed the markCopy !req
771. When he made Pearl HarborCopy !req
772. I miss you more than that movie
missed the pointCopy !req
773. And that's an awful lot, girl
And nowCopy !req
774. Now you've gone awayCopy !req
775. And all I'm trying to sayCopy !req
776. Is Pearl Harbor suckedCopy !req
777. And I miss youCopy !req
778. I need you like Ben Affleck
Needs acting schoolCopy !req
779. He was terrible in that filmCopy !req
780. I need you like Cuba Gooding
Needed a bigger partCopy !req
781. He's way better than Ben Affleck
And nowCopy !req
782. All I can think about is your smileCopy !req
783. And that shitty movie, tooCopy !req
784. Pearl Harbor suckedCopy !req
785. And I miss youCopy !req
786. Pearl Harbor suckedCopy !req
787. Just a little bit more
Than I miss youCopy !req
788. Oh, my God. What the hell happened?Copy !req
789. Hello? Anybody?Copy !req
790. Greetings, Mr Johnston.Copy !req
791. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.,
what the hell happened?Copy !req
792. Our base was attacked by
a giant socialist weasel.Copy !req
793. But where's the team?Copy !req
794. They have been taken prisoner
by Kim Jong Il in North Korea.Copy !req
795. I have intercepted communications
that he is planningCopy !req
796. the massive attack
during a peace ceremony.Copy !req
797. Don't move, protester,
or I'll blow your commie brains out.Copy !req
798. Spottswoode.
Johnston?Copy !req
799. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
800. Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.Copy !req
801. I'm using it to blow up North Korea.Copy !req
802. No! The team is in North Korea.Copy !req
803. I know. And so are the triggers
to WMDs poised all around the globe.Copy !req
804. My only option now
is to blow up Kim Jong IlCopy !req
805. and everything around him
before he can set them off.Copy !req
806. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate
detonation sequence on the ships.Copy !req
807. You'll kill them all.Copy !req
808. It's what they would
want me to do, Gary.Copy !req
809. They would happily give their lives
for the good of the world,Copy !req
810. something you don't understand!
There has to be another way.Copy !req
811. There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong ll.Copy !req
812. Let me go.Copy !req
813. You? You're a buttfucking quitter.Copy !req
814. You walked out, Gary. The team went
on a mission without you.Copy !req
815. And without an actor,
they were like pigs to the slaughter.Copy !req
816. I'm supposed to leave
the fate of the world in your hands?Copy !req
817. I know I walked out,
but I'd do anything to take it back.Copy !req
818. Please, just let me help.
You've done enough.Copy !req
819. Please, Spottswoode,
you have to believe in me.Copy !req
820. I want to believe in you, Gary,
I really do.Copy !req
821. But you've let me down before.Copy !req
822. Please, how can I make you trust me?Copy !req
823. I remember the first time we met.Copy !req
824. You were a simple Broadway actor
afraid to get in my limoCopy !req
825. because you thought I wanted you
to perform oral sex on me.Copy !req
826. Do you remember that?Copy !req
827. Yeah.Copy !req
828. And now the tables are turned,
and I don't know if I can trust you.Copy !req
829. Just give me a chance.Copy !req
830. All right, I'll trust you.Copy !req
831. But only if youCopy !req
832. will perform oral sex on me.Copy !req
833. What?
Right here, right now.Copy !req
834. You can't be serious.
Oh, I am serious.Copy !req
835. Look, this is my serious face.Copy !req
836. What will that prove?
It will prove that you are truly readyCopy !req
837. to lay everything on the line.Copy !req
838. To throw away all your inhibitions
and give 100%.Copy !req
839. We must go back to that first night
we met, that first issue of trust.Copy !req
840. Don't you see?
No. I thought you weren't gay.Copy !req
841. This isn't about sex, Gary,
it's about trust.Copy !req
842. It's the eye of the needle, Gary,
and we must both pass through it.Copy !req
843. Okay, let's do it.Copy !req
844. I'll make sure nobody's watching.Copy !req
845. Yeah, it looks clear.Copy !req
846. Okay, go.Copy !req
847. There must be another way.Copy !req
848. I guess you won't do everything
to take it all back, will you, Gary?Copy !req
849. No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.Copy !req
850. You're saying if I do that,
you'll let me help the team?Copy !req
851. I'll give you all the time I can.Copy !req
852. Okay, let's do it.Copy !req
853. Here we go.Copy !req
854. And go.Copy !req
855. You are dedicated.Copy !req
856. Now, let's go get cleaned up.Copy !req
857. If you're going to storm Kim Jong Il's
palace single-handed,Copy !req
858. we have to make you
a complete soldier in very little time.Copy !req
859. How we gonna do that?Copy !req
860. I think I know just what we need.Copy !req
861. The hour's approachingCopy !req
862. To give it your bestCopy !req
863. And you've got to reach your primeCopy !req
864. That's when you need
to put yourself to the testCopy !req
865. And show us a passage of timeCopy !req
866. We're gonna need a montage
MontageCopy !req
867. It takes a montage
MontageCopy !req
868. Show a lot of things
Happening at onceCopy !req
869. Remind everyone
Of what's going onCopy !req
870. And with every shot
Show a little improvementCopy !req
871. To show it all would take too longCopy !req
872. That's called a montage
MontageCopy !req
873. Girl, we want a montage
MontageCopy !req
874. In anything, if you want to goCopy !req
875. From just a beginner to a proCopy !req
876. You need a montage
MontageCopy !req
877. Even Rocky had a montage
MontageCopy !req
878. Always fade out in a montage
MontageCopy !req
879. If you fade out
It seems like more time has passedCopy !req
880. In a montage
MontageCopy !req
881. Radies and gentlemen.Copy !req
882. The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong Il
are preased to welcome youCopy !req
883. to the International
World Peace Ceremony.Copy !req
884. The most important people
from every countryCopy !req
885. are gathered here in soridarity
to cerebrate peace.Copy !req
886. There will be music, dancing
and, of course,Copy !req
887. the biggest stars in Horrywood.Copy !req
888. In the box to your reft is the
mastermind of this spectacurar show,Copy !req
889. the multitarented Kim Jong Il.Copy !req
890. Oh, herro.Copy !req
891. And now we present to you
the very best in North Korean music.Copy !req
892. Ten years of pranning,
and finarry the night is here.Copy !req
893. The terrorists know to be in position by
the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.Copy !req
894. That's when I trigger all the WMDs
to go off at the same time.Copy !req
895. When you see Arec Barrwin,Copy !req
896. you will see the true ugriness
of human nature.Copy !req
897. Your plan will never work.
Something will stop it.Copy !req
898. You stupid, naive Team Americans.Copy !req
899. You berieve in true rove
and happy endingsCopy !req
900. even while the world around you
spirals downward.Copy !req
901. Sometimes believing is all we have.Copy !req
902. And as the leaders of your countries,
you have the powerCopy !req
903. to bring the world together under
the principles of the Film Actors Guild.Copy !req
904. You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.Copy !req
905. Ten minutes, Mr Baldwin.Copy !req
906. Who the hell you?Copy !req
907. I'm with the Film Actors Guild.
I'm here to help with the broadcast.Copy !req
908. Then you show credentials.Copy !req
909. Hey, you don't need to see
my credentials.Copy !req
910. I left them at home and I'm running late.Copy !req
911. I berieve him.
Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
912. Okay, have a nice day.Copy !req
913. My God, his acting is better than ever.Copy !req
914. Don't worry, fellas,
I've got my pass right here.Copy !req
915. Please, Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins,Copy !req
916. you don't understand
what Kim Jong Il is doing.Copy !req
917. Shut up. We have explicit instructions
to watch you.Copy !req
918. Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.
We're guards.Copy !req
919. We're guards, huh? We're guards.
We're guards.Copy !req
920. Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins. Someone
has broken into the main hall.Copy !req
921. What? Come on, Martin!Copy !req
922. Gary?
What the fuck are you doing here?Copy !req
923. Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa?Copy !req
924. What the heck do you care?
You walked out on her.Copy !req
925. Look, I wanna make things right.Copy !req
926. Here, Spottswoode's monitoring
from the base.Copy !req
927. Spottswoode is dead, Gary.Copy !req
928. Not as dead as you think.Copy !req
929. Spottswoode!
Yes, I'm here, Joe.Copy !req
930. All right, you're alive!
Great to hear your voices again.Copy !req
931. Now we've got to get Lisa
and stop Kim Jong ll.Copy !req
932. I'm not going anywhere
with this fucking traitor.Copy !req
933. Yeah, what makes you think
we'll take you back, douchebag?Copy !req
934. We're doing this without you!
Now, hold on, team.Copy !req
935. Gary has already proven to meCopy !req
936. that he is 100% committed to the team.Copy !req
937. He proved it last night
by sucking my cock.Copy !req
938. All right. Come on, team,
we gotta find that stage.Copy !req
939. Rook how much they rove my show.
The entire audience is so captivated.Copy !req
940. And now you see,
the new world is inevitabre.Copy !req
941. It's what?
Inevitabre.Copy !req
942. One more time.
Inevitabre!Copy !req
943. Things are inevitabry going to change.Copy !req
944. God damn it, open your fucking ears.Copy !req
945. Five minutes, Mr Baldwin.
Thank you.Copy !req
946. Alec, we have a problem.
Team America escaped.Copy !req
947. What? You fools.
They'll ruin everything.Copy !req
948. We better warn everyone.
They'll be headed here.Copy !req
949. No. We can't look weak and powerless.Copy !req
950. If violence is all those bastards
understand, then violence they'll get.Copy !req
951. Every actor, grab a gun
and keep Team AmericaCopy !req
952. from reaching this ceremony
at all costs.Copy !req
953. Qapla'!
Qapla'!Copy !req
954. I swear they won't reach this stage.Copy !req
955. Jesus! What have we got?Copy !req
956. Looks like George Clooney
and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.Copy !req
957. Look out, it's Ethan Hawke
and Janeane Garofalo.Copy !req
958. Drop your weapons.Copy !req
959. Fucking die!Copy !req
960. We gotta split up.Copy !req
961. Sarah, you and Gary go that way.
Chris and I will go right.Copy !req
962. No, I think I'd rather team up
with you, Joe.Copy !req
963. I guess you're with me, cockfag.Copy !req
964. Danny Glover!
Come on, Penn.Copy !req
965. We must protect the show.
Right.Copy !req
966. The stage must be that way.
No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!Copy !req
967. Very impressive, warmongers.Copy !req
968. Now let's see how Kim Jong Il's
panthers treat you.Copy !req
969. I went to Iraq, you know!Copy !req
970. Susan Sarandon.
Oh, thank God.Copy !req
971. We have to stop the ceremony.
Kim Jong Il is mad.Copy !req
972. Here, let me loose.
I'll show you where the theatre is.Copy !req
973. All right.
No, Chris, stay away from her.Copy !req
974. Fuck you. She wants to help us.
No, Chris, she's acting.Copy !req
975. I am not. The others tied me upCopy !req
976. because I wouldn't go along
with their plans.Copy !req
977. Your skills are fading with age,
Miss Sarandon.Copy !req
978. You shall die a peasant's death!Copy !req
979. Jesus titty-fucking Christ.Copy !req
980. I could've sworn
she was telling the truth.Copy !req
981. That's why they call it acting.
Come on, we gotta find Lisa.Copy !req
982. I was 19 years old when
the musical Cats came to our town.Copy !req
983. I couldn't wait to see it.Copy !req
984. After the show, I was asked
if I wanted to go meetCopy !req
985. some of the performers backstage.
Man, I was thrilled.Copy !req
986. But when I got back there,
they were drunk and out of control.Copy !req
987. Rumpus Cat and Macavity
kept feeling up my leg.Copy !req
988. I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer
held me down and...Copy !req
989. I was raped by Mr Mistoffelees.Copy !req
990. That's why you don't trust actors.Copy !req
991. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.Copy !req
992. If there's still a world left
when this is all over,Copy !req
993. I'd like to buy you a beer.Copy !req
994. Come on, let's go.
We're running out of time.Copy !req
995. Sarah, before we die, I want to
finally tell you that I love you.Copy !req
996. No. No, I'm not gonna let it end like this.Copy !req
997. We are not your enemy, furry ones.
You will not attack us.Copy !req
998. Sarah, that isn't going to work.
You don't really have mental powers.Copy !req
999. Your captors are behind you, Shebas.
Show your anger to them.Copy !req
1000. Sarah, you did it!Copy !req
1001. Wait. Hold on.Copy !req
1002. Spottswoode, I think we just found
the entrance to the theatre.Copy !req
1003. Have Sarah and Joe
lock on to our...Copy !req
1004. Gary!Copy !req
1005. Actors, ho!
Helen Hunt.Copy !req
1006. Samuel Jackson.Copy !req
1007. Matt Damon.Copy !req
1008. Motherfucker.Copy !req
1009. Gary, Chris, come in.Copy !req
1010. And now,
radies and gentlemen, Mr Arec Barrwin.Copy !req
1011. We are here to usher in a new era
without violence.Copy !req
1012. By following the rules
of the Film Actors Guild,Copy !req
1013. the world can become a better placeCopy !req
1014. that handles dangerous people
with talk and reasoning.Copy !req
1015. That is the F.A.G. way.Copy !req
1016. One day you'll all look at the world
us actors created and say,Copy !req
1017. "Wow. Good going, F.A.G.Copy !req
1018. "You really made the world
a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"Copy !req
1019. Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad
there won't be a world reft.Copy !req
1020. Oh, God, no.Copy !req
1021. You see? No Prince Charming rode in
on a white stallion to save the day.Copy !req
1022. This is the real world.Copy !req
1023. I'm afraid your world is over.Copy !req
1024. In five minutes.Copy !req
1025. Yes, the ticking crock.Copy !req
1026. Sorry, Team America, but you see,
we must live in a time of peace.Copy !req
1027. Put down the gas can now.Copy !req
1028. Kill them.Copy !req
1029. Jackson!Copy !req
1030. Team, you've got to hurry.Copy !req
1031. Let's go, bitch. I've done action films.Copy !req
1032. Come on.Copy !req
1033. Matt Damon!Copy !req
1034. Come on, stop trying to hit me
and hit me.Copy !req
1035. Don't fucking move!Copy !req
1036. Now, isn't that a shame.Copy !req
1037. You came so close to stopping peace.Copy !req
1038. But you see, peace always finds a way.Copy !req
1039. Goodbye, Team America.Copy !req
1040. I've just got one piece
of bad news for you, Robbins.Copy !req
1041. What's that?
I'm a smoker.Copy !req
1042. Now that the world
is going to be run peacefully,Copy !req
1043. we should all drive hybrid cars.Copy !req
1044. Right now famiries
are gathering in parks,Copy !req
1045. children are walking to school,
friends are sitting in movie theatres.Copy !req
1046. All compretery unaware that the world
is about to change forever.Copy !req
1047. All because of me.Copy !req
1048. Stop that man.Copy !req
1049. Gary!Copy !req
1050. Team America?
God damn it.Copy !req
1051. Sorry to interrupt the show,
everyone, but Kim Jong IlCopy !req
1052. is an international criminal.
We're here to arrest him.Copy !req
1053. Oh, no, you're not.Copy !req
1054. This is a peace conference.Copy !req
1055. And if you even try to touch Kim Jong Il,Copy !req
1056. this audience and I will rise up
against you.Copy !req
1057. Fuck off, Team America!Copy !req
1058. Team, there's no time.
You have to convince that audienceCopy !req
1059. to let you do your job.Copy !req
1060. Gary, you've got to take the stage.
No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
1061. He's the best actor in the world.
You have to try.Copy !req
1062. I'm not that good.
Actually...Copy !req
1063. You're the finest actor I've ever met.Copy !req
1064. Come on, Gary, hurry.
You've got to act fast.Copy !req
1065. Uh... I know you all don't like
Team America a whole lot right now,Copy !req
1066. but Kim Jong Il is a lot worse.Copy !req
1067. You can't out-act me, boy.
Don't even try.Copy !req
1068. For the truth is that Team America
fights for the billion-dollar corporations.Copy !req
1069. They are just as bad
as the enemies they fight.Copy !req
1070. Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!Copy !req
1071. We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.Copy !req
1072. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.Copy !req
1073. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole.Copy !req
1074. Pussies don't like dicks,
because pussies get fucked by dicks.Copy !req
1075. But dicks also fuck assholes,Copy !req
1076. assholes who just wanna shit
on everything.Copy !req
1077. Pussies may think they can deal
with assholes their way.Copy !req
1078. But the only thing
that can fuck an assholeCopy !req
1079. is a dick with some balls.Copy !req
1080. The problem with dicks
is that sometimes they fuck too much.Copy !req
1081. Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.
Yes, Gary, yes.Copy !req
1082. And it takes a pussy to show them that.Copy !req
1083. But sometimes pussies
get so full of shitCopy !req
1084. that they become assholes themselves.Copy !req
1085. Because pussies are only
an inch and a half away from assholes.Copy !req
1086. I don't know much
in this crazy, crazy world,Copy !req
1087. but I do know that if you don't
let us fuck this asshole,Copy !req
1088. we are gonna have our dicks
and our pussiesCopy !req
1089. all covered in shit.Copy !req
1090. Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong ll.Copy !req
1091. Do something, Arec Barrwin!Copy !req
1092. The... Global warming and...Copy !req
1093. Corporate America...Copy !req
1094. You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.Copy !req
1095. Don't fucking move!
You were all going to be treatedCopy !req
1096. to a faburous show.
But now party's over.Copy !req
1097. For I am the great Kim Jong ll.
Lisa.Copy !req
1098. And I am the greatest
terrorist ever to have rived.Copy !req
1099. Terrorize this.Copy !req
1100. Lisa, are you okay?
No, Gary, the countdown.Copy !req
1101. You have to stop it.Copy !req
1102. What do I do?
Hit the big "cancel" button!Copy !req
1103. Gary, how did you manage this?
Spottswoode helped me.Copy !req
1104. Spottswoode? He's alive?Copy !req
1105. Lisa, I'm crazy about you.
Will you please forgive me if I...Copy !req
1106. Shh... You had me at
"dicks fuck assholes."Copy !req
1107. Attention. Attention, everyone.Copy !req
1108. All you in the audience should go
to your homes now.Copy !req
1109. Your countries need you.
But the world will be safe,Copy !req
1110. thanks to a brilliant actor
named Gary Johnston.Copy !req
1111. Let me explain
to you the kind of man Gary is.Copy !req
1112. He's a man who knowsCopy !req
1113. that when you put another man's cock
in your mouth, you make a pact.Copy !req
1114. A bond that cannot be broken.Copy !req
1115. He's a man so dedicated that
he will get down on his kneesCopy !req
1116. and put that cock right in his mouth.Copy !req
1117. Wait a minute. Look!Copy !req
1118. You have not
heard the rast of Kim Jong ll.Copy !req
1119. I will return!Copy !req
1120. You shall see. I will be back!Copy !req
1121. So rong, earthrings!Copy !req
1122. We'll be here waiting for you,
Kim Jong ll.Copy !req
1123. All right, you guys, I hate to break up
this little party,Copy !req
1124. but there's still a lot of bad guys
out there.Copy !req
1125. Well, then let's go show the bad guys
the police are back in force.Copy !req
1126. Fuck, yeah.Copy !req
1127. AmericaCopy !req
1128. AmericaCopy !req
1129. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1130. Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeahCopy !req
1131. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1132. Freedom is the only way, yeahCopy !req
1133. Terrorists, your game is throughCopy !req
1134. 'Cause now you have to answer toCopy !req
1135. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1136. So lick my butt
And suck on my ballsCopy !req
1137. America
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1138. What you gonna do
When we come for you now?Copy !req
1139. It's the dream
that we all shareCopy !req
1140. It's the hope for tomorrow
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1141. McDonald's
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1142. Wal-Mart
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1143. The Gap
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1144. Baseball
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1145. NFL
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1146. Rock 'n' roll
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1147. The Internet
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1148. Slavery
Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1149. Fuck, yeahCopy !req
1150. Everyone has AIDSCopy !req
1151. My grandma
and my dog Ole BlueCopy !req
1152. AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
1153. The Pope has got it
and so do youCopy !req
1154. Come on, everybody
We got quilting to doCopy !req
1155. We're gonna break down
These barricadesCopy !req
1156. Everyone has
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
1157. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
1158. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDSCopy !req
1159. Freedom isn't freeCopy !req
1160. It costs folks like you and meCopy !req
1161. And if we don't all chip inCopy !req
1162. We'll never pay that billCopy !req
1163. Freedom isn't freeCopy !req
1164. No, there's a hefty fucking feeCopy !req
1165. And if you don't throw in
your buck-o-five, who will?Copy !req
1166. Buck-o-fiveCopy !req
1167. Freedom costs a buck-o-fiveCopy !req
1168. Only a woman
Can brighten up my dayCopy !req
1169. Only a woman
Can touch me the right way, yeahCopy !req
1170. Only a woman
Is allowed to touch me thereCopy !req
1171. All I ask
Is that you're a womanCopy !req
1172. I'm so roneryCopy !req
1173. So roneryCopy !req
1174. So ronery and sadry aroneCopy !req
1175. There's no one
Just me onryCopy !req
1176. Sitting on my rittle throneCopy !req
1177. I work rearry hard
And make up great pransCopy !req
1178. But nobody ristens
No one understandsCopy !req
1179. Seems rike no one
Takes me seriousryCopy !req
1180. And soCopy !req
1181. I'm roneryCopy !req
1182. A rittle roneryCopy !req
1183. Poor rittle meCopy !req
1184. I need you like Ben AffleckCopy !req
1185. Needs acting schoolCopy !req
1186. He was terrible in that filmCopy !req
1187. I need you like Cuba Gooding
needed a bigger partCopy !req
1188. He's way better than Ben Affleck
And nowCopy !req
1189. All I can think about is your smileCopy !req
1190. And that shitty movie, tooCopy !req
1191. Pearl Harbor suckedCopy !req
1192. And I miss youCopy !req
1193. Why does Michael Bay
Get to keep on making movies?Copy !req
1194. I guess Pearl Harbor suckedCopy !req
1195. Just a little bit more
Than I miss youCopy !req
1196. Show a lot of things
Happening at onceCopy !req
1197. Remind everyone
Of what's going onCopy !req
1198. And with every shot
Show a little improvementCopy !req
1199. To show it all would take too longCopy !req
1200. That's called a montage
MontageCopy !req
1201. Girl, we want a montage
MontageCopy !req
1202. In anything, if you want to goCopy !req
1203. From just a beginner to a proCopy !req
1204. You need a montage
MontageCopy !req
1205. Even Rocky had a montage
MontageCopy !req
1206. Always fade out in a montage
MontageCopy !req
1207. If you fade out
It seems like more time has passedCopy !req
1208. I was sent from planet GyronCopy !req
1209. To conquer the EarthCopy !req
1210. I had a terrific pran
I thought it would workCopy !req
1211. Tried to get the earthrings
All to kill each other, you seeCopy !req
1212. But it all went wrong
And now I must decreeCopy !req
1213. You are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec BarrwinCopy !req
1214. You failed in every way
And now my stock in you has farrenCopy !req
1215. Your career is starring
And you're worthress, Arec BarrwinCopy !req
1216. That's why I brew your head off
And your children are all bawringCopy !req
1217. Pranet Gyron is inhabited
With Zypods rike meCopy !req
1218. But also with Barmacks
Who are giant beesCopy !req
1219. The Zypods and the Barmacks
Are at constant warCopy !req
1220. So we wanted a new home
And that's what Earth was forCopy !req
1221. But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin
You are worthress, Arec BarrwinCopy !req
1222. You fucked up my whole pranCopy !req
1223. And now Gyron is smeared
With Barmack porrenCopy !req
1224. Your garbage needs some hauring
And you're worthress, Arec BarrwinCopy !req
1225. Now I must return home a failureCopy !req
1226. I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock
Is carringCopy !req