Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

1. - Guess how fast we're going now. - I don't care, I'm having a baby!

2. Hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that?

3. Reese, you just passed the hospital!

4. - The baby's coming, he's coming now! - All right, all right, hold on.

5. - Okay, but I think he might be stuck. - Grab onto something. Ready?

6. One, two, three!

7. It's a baby boy.

8. I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here...

9. to talk to y'all about my day-to-day.

10. And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell...

11. what it's like to manage a Waffle House.

12. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them.

13. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.

14. Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.

15. Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?

16. No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years.

17. But my mama say he's out racing cars...

18. and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.

19. Okay, kids, that's enough. We're gonna move on to Brennan.

20. Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.

21. Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.

22. - His job is like as a prison guard.

23. Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby.

24. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.

25. - Dad! - Hey there, boy!

26. Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?

27. - Ten years. - Ten years?

28. Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.

29. Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.

30. It's all right, I'm a volunteer fireman.

31. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver...

32. and an amateur tattoo artist.

33. And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver...

34. is you don't listen to losers...

35. like your know-it-all teacher here. - Okay, I think that's enough.

36. Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong...

37. because it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid.

38. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

39. You people are in the wrong on this one!

40. So in the wrong!

41. This is egregious, do you hear me? Egregious!

42. We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming!

43. Dad!

44. Don't listen to these people, Ricky. You're a winner.

45. You got the gift. Always remember, if you ain't first, you're last.

46. If you ain't first, you're last.

47. - See you when you're grown up. - Dad! Come back, Dad!

48. It's a hot one here in Talladega...

49. and this crowd of over 180,000 is enjoying one heck of a day.

50. Yo, Terry. Terry, we got the caution. Bring it in for a pit. Let's work on it.

51. All right, fellas, let's go.

52. Looking good. Yes, come on.

53. Keep it up, baby.

54. - All right, way to go. - Go, way to go.

55. Nice jack work, Ricky.

56. Hey, Shake and Bake, Cal.

57. - Shake and Bake! - Terry, it's all on you, bro. You go.

58. Go, baby, go. Wait, what are you doing?

59. - I gotta take a piss. - Go, go, go!

60. It doesn't matter, Lucius. We're in last place. Relax.

61. Jeez, I gotta go take a whiz. Get off my ass.

62. You see, this is what I'm talking about.

63. That's why this group right here is the laughingstock of NASCAR.

64. Face it, we suck.

65. It's not always bad to be in last place. Here's some things we can focus on:

66. One, we tried hard. And two, we're still dear friends.

67. Glenn, shut up.

68. I see Terry. He's having a chicken sandwich.

69. Hey, fellas! These are really good. You should try one.

70. That place actually makes a nice sauce.

71. Let me eat this, then I gotta make a phone call...

72. then I'm coming back, all right? - This is the bottom line.

73. If we don't get that car back on the track...

74. our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken.

75. Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast? Anybody?

76. I wanna go fast.

77. Hey, get him a suit. Hurry up, make it snappy. Let's go.

78. - Hustle up, hustle up. - Hey, man!

79. Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars?

80. - Yeah! - Who's retarded now?

81. - Yeah. - Hey, what are you doing after this?

82. - After the race? - Yeah.

83. I don't know, but it feels like we're wasting a lot of time.

84. No, I know, I know. I'm just excited, man!

85. - Yeah, I know. Yeah. - Hey! I love you!

86. - What? - Nothing.

87. Shake and Bake! Get some!

88. You're my best friend! You're my best friend!

89. - Okay, then! - I'm in there with you!

90. - I gotta get going! - Go, go!

91. - Yeah! - That's Ricky, baby!

92. That's my boy, Ricky!

93. Hey, Ricky, just remember one thing:

94. If you wreck that car, that's 200 grand out of your pocket...

95. so let's take it nice and slow, okay?

96. With all due respect, Lucius, I'm gonna do some driving.

97. Excuse me, coming through.

98. Apparently, we've got a situation for the Laughing Clown, number 26 car.

99. Terry Cheveaux is refusing to drive. One of his crew members...

100. has taken the wheel.

101. Hey, just wanted to share a little piece of personal information with you.

102. I got a chubby right now...

103. because this is one of the most awesome experiences of my life...

104. because I'm getting to drive a racecar!

105. I can't believe it! Oh, my God!

106. Wow, that was cool.

107. Come on, come on.

108. The big story from Talladega:

109. Little-known jack-man Ricky Bobby places third in the Dennit machine.

110. Ricky, first of all, where did you learn to drive like that?

111. In a car. Car handle really good. Yeah.

112. Can you speak up, Ricky?

113. A car. It handled real good.

114. So, what do you think, Mr. Dennit? He sure can drive.

115. He's got guts. Dennit Racing needs a racer like him.

116. Come on, Dad. He's just a stupid cowboy.

117. Look how bad he is in that interview.

118. Junior, driving has got nothing to do with interviews.

119. I just wish to hell you had a little more stupid cowboy in you.

120. I felt like I was on a spaceship and...

121. I'm not sure what to do with my hands.

122. Be good to hold them down by your side.

123. We're really happy with what was going on.

124. And at the end of the day, you know, you gotta be happy.

125. - What did you say his name was again? - His name is Ricky. Ricky Bobby.

126. Ricky Bobby? He's got two first names.

127. Whatever his name is, let's get him over here.

128. Everything ended up fine.

129. Yeah, okay, everything was fine. Thanks, thanks. Great job in the car.

130. Ricky Bobby, a force to be reckoned with, possibly...

131. in the near future.

132. Ricky Bobby with yet another impressive win.

133. He is dominating NAS CAR.

134. First or last, baby, you know it!

135. I've never seen a driver who wants to win more than this guy.

136. I could get used to this winning thing!

137. Dennit Racing Incorporated has decided to field an additional car.

138. And, at the urging of Ricky Bobby...

139. who's been like a son to me, only better...

140. I'm naming Cal Naughton Jr. As the driver.

141. All right.

142. - Cal Naughton. - Hey...

143. we just want to say to all you other drivers out there...

144. if you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race...

145. it's not your tailpipe, it's a little bit...

146. of shake...

147. And then bake.

148. Shake and Bake!

149. - That's our nickname. - Get used to hearing it.

150. And Ricky Bobby wins...

151. with Cal Naughton Jr. Finishing second.

152. - Yeah! - Hey, man!

153. - Shake... - And bake!

154. Hey, driver! Drive these.

155. Please be 18.

156. You want to make this out to Charlotte?

157. Hey, excuse me, Ricky.

158. - Hey, Dale. - Hey, can I get your autograph?

159. - Sure. Who do I make this out to? - It's for me. I think you're awesome.

160. - Don't tell the other drivers. - I'm not gonna tell anyone.

161. I'll see you out there.

162. Absolutely, ma'am, I'd love to sign your baby.

163. You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead.

164. - That's right, Powerade's number one. - Not just for hydration, for vitamin.

165. No, it's me, it's me, Susan, your assistant.

166. Gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode.

167. I know, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I shouldn't have been standing.

168. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner...

169. and what better gift to give a loved one...

170. than the Jackhawk 9000?

171. Available at Wal-Mart.

172. When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff...

173. you should have the right tools too. So that's why you should use...

174. Maypax, the official tampon of NASCAR.

175. I'm Ricky Bobby.

176. If you don't chew Big Red, then f*** you.

177. Prune candy.

178. - You happy? - I'm very happy.

179. - Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. - And I'm Cal Naughton Jr.

180. Urging you never to travel to Tijuana.

181. Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!

182. Okay, I'm starting to get sick.

183. Dick Berggren in Las Vegas, Victory Lane, for Fox Television.

184. Ricky Bobby, today's big winner. Heck of a win for you today...

185. but it seems as if you either win or crash the car trying to win.

186. Well, Dick, here's the deal. I'm the best there is, plain and simple.

187. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

188. And nobody can hang with my stuff.

189. You know, I'm just a big, hairy, American winning machine.

190. If you ain't first, you're last. You know what I'm talking about?

191. That phrase is trademarked...

192. not to be used without permission of Ricky Bobby Inc.

193. Supper's ready! Come on, y'all! I've been slaving over this for hours!

194. Dear Lord baby Jesus...

195. or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus...

196. we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC...

197. and the always delicious Taco Bell.

198. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family...

199. my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons...

200. Walker and Texas Ranger...

201. or T.R., as we call him...

202. and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carley...

203. who is a stone-cold fox.

204. Who if you were to rate her ass on 100, it would easily be a 94.

205. Also wanna thank you for my best friend, Cal Naughton Jr...

206. who's got my back no matter what.

207. Shake and Bake.

208. Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife's father, Chip.

209. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers...

210. to heal him and his horrible leg.

211. And it smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it.

212. Dear tiny infant Jesus, we...

213. Hey, you know, sweetie...

214. Jesus did grow up.

215. You don't always have to call him "baby."

216. It's odd and off-putting to pray to a baby.

217. Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace.

218. When you say grace, say it to grownup Jesus, teenage Jesus...

219. bearded Jesus, whoever you want.

220. You know what I want?

221. I want you to do this grace good, so that God will let us win tomorrow.

222. Dear tiny Jesus...

223. in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists...

224. pawing at the air... - He was a man. He had a beard.

225. Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me?

226. I win the races and I get the money.

227. Ricky, finish the damn grace.

228. I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt...

229. because it says, like, "I wanna be formal...

230. - Right. but I'm here to party too."

231. Because I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.

232. I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai.

233. I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings.

234. And singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd...

235. with, like, a angel band.

236. And I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk.

237. Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?

238. - Yes, ma'am. - Okay.

239. Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus...

240. don't even know a word yet...

241. just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent...

242. we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 million dollars...

243. Love that money!

244. - That I have accrued over this past season.

245. Also, due to a binding endorsement contract...

246. that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace...

247. I just wanna say that Powerade is delicious...

248. and it cools you off on a hot summer day.

249. And we look forward to Powerade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.

250. Thank you for all your power and your grace, dear baby God. Amen.

251. - Amen. - Amen.

252. Let's dig in!

253. That was a hell of a grace, man. You nailed that like a split hog!

254. I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good.

255. Dad, you made that grace your bitch.

256. Hey, boys, I wanna see some napkins in the lap.

257. Boys, how was school today?

258. I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.

259. Sounds like a good day. Texas Ranger, how about you?

260. Well, the teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina.

261. I said, "Washington, D.C."

262. - Bingo. - Nice.

263. She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt."

264. She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants.

265. And I never did change my pee pants all day.

266. I'm still sitting in my dirty pee pants.

267. I wet my bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that.

268. I get emotional because you guys are working so hard.

269. I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me...

270. precocious and full of wonderment.

271. Tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed.

272. - These two are two in a million. - I am.

273. Just like Carley's tatas.

274. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee.

275. Thank you, Cal.

276. That's real sweet of you, Cal.

277. That's real nice. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said.

278. - Well, I mean it. - Stop, you're gonna make me cry.

279. It comes from my heart, that's why.

280. I can't hold my tongue.

281. These kids are my grandchildren, and you are raising them wrong.

282. They are terrible boys.

283. Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!

284. I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head.

285. - Yeah! - Yeah. Turn up the heat.

286. Go on and get some, boys.

287. I'm 10 years old, but I'll beat your ass.

288. Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey.

289. Like a spider monkey! Go on.

290. Chip, you brought this on.

291. The greatest generation, my ass.

292. Tom Brokaw is a punk.

293. What is wrong with you?

294. Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew.

295. I love that.

296. I sure as hell am, Chip. I love the way they're talking to you.

297. They're winners. Winners get to do what they want.

298. Hell, you're just a bag of bones.

299. Only thing you ever done with your life is make a hot daughter.

300. That's it. That is it!

301. We wanted us some wussies...

302. we would've named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman, okay?

303. I work too hard for your bull, Chip.

304. Come here. You make me hot. Come here.

305. Everyone just keep eating.

306. - It's on. - Come here. Come here.

307. All right.

308. I'll hold your hair.

309. - Hey, Stephen. - Hey, Ricky.

310. Got those two tickets for my special friend?

311. Yeah, sure do. You know I do, Ricky. Got them right here, buddy.

312. Great. Hey, how's your mama's hip?

313. She's gonna be all right, thank you for asking.

314. - Appreciate it. Hey, good luck today. - Thanks.

315. That's the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.

316. That boy leaves two tickets for his daddy at every race...

317. and he never shows up.

318. That's a shame.

319. The human heart is such a mystery.

320. - Let's sell these bitches, huh? - Hell, yeah.

321. - Beer money, huh? - There you go. Yes.

322. As the laps wind down, Jamie McMurray is the leader.

323. Cal Naughton in second. Ricky Bobby in third.

324. What's up, Cal? You ready for a little Shake-and-Bake-age?

325. - Hey, buddy. - Naughton Jr. Is letting Ricky Bobby...

326. draft up to him to make that slingshot move past McMurray.

327. Can you believe that he would do that for his teammate?

328. Set him up that way?

329. Slingshot, engage.

330. And there goes Ricky Bobby on the outside!

331. That's how we do it.

332. Makes his move. Naughton's giving him plenty of room.

333. What in the hell is he doing, guys? Get him off of me.

334. They touch! They spin!

335. Snap!

336. Come on, man!

337. See you, wouldn't wanna be you.

338. Look at that! Ricky Bobby's gonna try to win the race in reverse.

339. Man, he wants this win bad!

340. Ricky Bobby wins it in reverse!

341. Unbelievable! I love that! That is cool!

342. Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's something to pick your spirits up.

343. It's real nice. I got it at Target. It's on sale.

344. Yeah!

345. - That's it. Another one. Another one. - All right, man. We did it!

346. I don't wanna be raining on your parade, but I gotta tell you...

347. that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life.

348. - Thank you. - And I know you won the race...

349. but you're not gonna live forever.

350. I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one.

351. But with advances in modern science and my high level of income...

352. I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300.

353. I just read in the newspaper they put a pig heart in some Russian guy.

354. Know what...? I mean, do you know what that means?

355. No, I don't know what that means. I guess, longer life.

356. - Well, no, he didn't live. - He didn't live?

357. No. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.

358. - Ricky? - Hey, Mr. Dennit.

359. - Cheers. - Yeah.

360. - She already wasted? - Celebrating.

361. She's celebrating. You feel pretty good today, huh?

362. Look, Ricky, early word out of NASCAR...

363. is your little obscene gesture's gonna cost you 100 points.

364. You know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?

365. With all due respect, Mr. Dennit...

366. I had no idea you had experimental surgery to have your balls removed.

367. What did you say? What was that?

368. Well, what? I said, "With all due respect."

369. That doesn't mean you get to say whatever you wanna say to me.

370. - It sure as heck does. - No, it doesn't.

371. It's in the Geneva Convention. Look it up.

372. I remember your daddy used to love it.

373. - This is not my dad... This is my team... - Used to love it when I used to win.

374. Now, I suggest you and your wife, Mrs. Jim Beam...

375. you guys go take a chill pill. Enjoy the win!

376. - Come on, man! - Yeah, Ricky. Okay.

377. Baby, photo op, photo op. Come on.

378. Come on, number one.

379. Hold my hand, baby.

380. I'll tell you what, though, guys, that was a hell of a race today.

381. - Shake and Bake in full effect. - It's always been like that.

382. Me and Ricky, since we were little kids, man.

383. We go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding. Let's face it.

384. Yeah, but those are two things that don't really go together.

385. We go together like cocaine and waffles.

386. No, like, for instance, if I say peanut butter and...

387. - Ladies, right? - Yep.

388. - No, jelly. - Am I right?

389. - Jelly? - You like to put jelly on a lady?

390. I'm gonna settle this thing. Let's just get ourselves...

391. a whole mess of cocktails, get drunk and work this thing out.

392. - Work this thing out. - That's right.

393. So I was talking to Nana on Saturday, and her birthday's coming up...

394. but I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be 88.

395. Get her a coffin.

396. Hey, Cal, I'm sorry about wrecking you today.

397. - I mean, but that was for the team. - No, that's cool. That's cool, I know.

398. I was thinking, though, one time...

399. it would be really awesome if, like, you could slingshot me in for a win.

400. Yeah, but... Okay, but if you won...

401. how am I gonna win? - Yeah.

402. - Think about it. - No, I was thinking about it.

403. I mean, it's not like you're finishing 18th.

404. - There's nothing wrong with silver. - Nothing wrong with silver at all.

405. I'm just kidding you, man. I don't wanna win.

406. I'll just bury it down inside.

407. Bury it deep down in there, and never bring it up again.

408. It's painful, and I love you!

409. Get her a gigolo.

410. - What? - A guy to have sex with her.

411. No, she's gonna be 88 and...

412. You don't stop liking sex when you're old.

413. Well, I was thinking more along the line of...

414. - Like, she likes afghans and quilts. - She's probably got a million of those.

415. How many dudes does she have coming over to have sex with her?

416. - None. - Exactly.

417. Be thoughtful, Glenn.

418. Don't stop.

419. What is that?

420. Someone made a tape of something dying or something.

421. Hey, turn that crap off. What's going on?

422. I want this music out of my head.

423. Hey, turn that off!

424. Turn that off right now!

425. Why did you stop the jazz music?

426. Was it not pleasant for you?

427. No one plays jazz here at The Pit Stop, okay?

428. So why is the song on the jukebox?

429. We keep it on there for profiling purposes.

430. We also got the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.

431. My name is Jean Girard...

432. and I am a racing-car driver just like you...

433. except I am from Formula Un.

434. I am the greatest one in the whole world.

435. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.

436. I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.

437. Did you eat peanut butter or something?

438. You sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.

439. I think what you are hearing is my accent.

440. I am French.

441. You say you're French?

442. We? No, we are not French.

443. We're American, because you're in America, okay?

444. Greatest country on the planet.

445. Well, what have you given the world...

446. apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?

447. - Chinese food? - Chinese food.

448. That's from China.

449. - Pizza. - Italy.

450. - Chimichanga. - Mexican.

451. Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?

452. We invented democracy, existentialism...

453. and the blowjob.

454. - Those are three pretty good things. - Hey.

455. Well, that last one's pretty cool.

456. You know, the 69 with the head near the... That bit.

457. We came up with it.

458. We created the missionary position.

459. - You're welcome. - Ricky Bobby...

460. I have come here to defeat you.

461. Oh, well, there's strikes two and three right there.

462. Did you hear what he just said?

463. Well, welcome to America, amigo.

464. You are fast, Ricky Bobby...

465. but I am faster.

466. All right, you let go of me, you Formula One jazz nutjob!

467. Like the frightened baby chipmunk...

468. you are scared by anything that is different.

469. I will let you go, Ricky...

470. but first I want you to say:

471. "I love crepes."

472. Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.

473. - I'm not gonna say it. - Good.

474. Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it.

475. So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?

476. I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby...

477. but I am a man of my word.

478. Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it...

479. because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini.

480. Get down, you little pancake.

481. Someone get me a beer while I'm here.

482. But you have forced me to do this.

483. You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous.

484. Just say, "I love crepes."

485. You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning.

486. They're like pancakes, maybe even better.

487. - Are they the really thin pancakes? - Yeah.

488. They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.

489. - My God, I love those. - Put any syrups you want on them.

490. - I'm saying, think about it. - They come with cheese sometimes?

491. Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.

492. Well, why didn't someone yell that right away?

493. You know what's in the crepe suzette?

494. - Oh, I love the crepe suzette. - With the sugar...

495. and lemon juice, Grand Marnier. - Sugar and lemon juice.

496. I wish I could crawl into one of those right now.

497. - I'd eat my way out from the inside. - They are tasty.

498. Either way this goes, could we get some after we're done?

499. - Absolutely. We're gonna do that. - So, what if you just said:

500. "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?

501. - That is a fair compromise. - Very fair, actually.

502. No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crepes.

503. That's a pretty good compromise.

504. Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?

505. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty.

506. You don't understand freedom.

507. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell.

508. Hey. This is just between you and me, okay?

509. I mean, forget all these other guys.

510. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.

511. What do you think?

512. - Don't say it. - Yeah. I'm not gonna say it.

513. Break it, Pepe Le Pew.

514. As you wish.

515. - He actually did it! - All right. You did it. Back off.

516. - I didn't say it! - No, you did not.

517. Your injury is one of ignorance and pride.

518. Hold it right there, Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner.

519. You just broke my bro's arm.

520. Now you're about to get Tasered.

521. - Say hello to Dr. Watts. - Get him, Cal.

522. I need you all to step away...

523. from my driver.

524. The hell you talking about, "my driver"? What are you doing with a gun?

525. Don't you worry about my gun, Ricky.

526. Jean Girard is my new boy at Dennit Racing. He's here to win us...

527. an overall-points championship, something you apparently...

528. have no interest in. He's gonna usher in a new era.

529. Mr. Dennit, with all due respect...

530. And remember, I'm saying, "with all due respect."

531. - That idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.

532. That's good. That's good fun. That's good fun, Ricky...

533. but that doesn't bother me anymore because Jean is the future...

534. Ricky, the past.

535. So, Jean, introduce me to your new teammates.

536. Everybody, this is my husband, Gregory.

537. What?

538. See you at the track.

539. Did he just say "husband"?

540. Sweet Lord. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate.

541. The room's starting to spin real fast.

542. Because of gayness.

543. - Cal, I love you. - Ricky? Ricky! Oh, God!

544. Fans and NASCAR, everyone is talking about this new driver, Jean Girard.

545. Let's find out a little bit more about him from our reporter, Davey Wesling.

546. Talented. Eccentric. Dominating.

547. These are the words that define Jean Girard.

548. Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses...

549. who are also gay.

550. Jean's days are filled with sun-drenched walks...

551. with his beloved husband, Gregory.

552. Though Gregory is no stay-at-home spouse.

553. He's a world-class trainer of German shepherds.

554. Rolfe, the Nazi boyfriend. Up on top!

555. Very nice. Very nice.

556. Only time will tell if Jean's foray into NAS CAR...

557. will end up in Victory Lane.

558. Well, kiss my ass on Sunday.

559. - Lucius, what the hell is going on? - The man can drive.

560. And check out his crew chief over there.

561. Won the Nobel Prize for physics back in '93.

562. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record.

563. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is, of course...

564. a statement of fact and in no way a comment...

565. on the driver's sexual orientation.

566. Put a smile on your face? That's the future of Dennit Racing.

567. - That make you happy? - I'm just thrilled, Mr. Dennit.

568. I love seeing some French guy break my record...

569. while I got my arm wrapped up like a fricking gordita.

570. Hello, Ricky Bobby.

571. What happened last week was very regrettable and unfortunate...

572. and, as a gesture, I would like to...

573. sign your cast, please.

574. Hell, you know what, get my car off the trailer, guys.

575. Baby! That's my baby!

576. Hold on, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky, Rick. What are you talking about?

577. Look. I wanna drive. My arm's fine. So let's get the car off the trailer.

578. Don't look at me. Get it off the trailer!

579. Even with a healthy arm, you don't have a chance against Jean Girard.

580. All right, fellas. You heard the man. Get the car off. Let's go.

581. You guys heard it.

582. - What's going on? - Soon you will know what it is like...

583. to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you.

584. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow."

585. Well, let me just quote the late, great Colonel Sanders...

586. who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

587. What's that got to do with this?

588. I got a message for all of them. Ready? Shake and Bake!

589. What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!

590. What is that, a catch phrase or is that epilepsy?

591. - Shake and Bake. Shake and Bake. - What?

592. Listen, you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten.

593. Beaten real bad, cowboy.

594. - Really? - Yes!

595. - I don't want to know. - That's news to me.

596. - Tomorrow you'll be in trouble. - I'll rip you a new one.

597. There's going to be a croissant I'm going to take away.

598. I play for keeps!

599. I give you one option, Monsieur Bobby.

600. As a sign of humility, if you kiss me on the lips now...

601. I will return to Paris and you will never see me again in NASCAR.

602. The answer is never!

603. - I close my... - Do you hear me? Never ever!

604. - Well, yes or no? - That's sick.

605. Let me tell you, hold on. Shake and Bake.

606. Yeah!

607. What does that mean? It makes no sense!

608. This "Shake and Bake," it's nonsense.

609. - Hey, baby. You guys are so smooth. - Thanks, darling.

610. Cal, you could say that 10,000 times and it still wouldn't be enough.

611. - It fires me up. - I love it. Say it one more time.

612. - Shake and Bake! - Doesn't that feel good?

613. Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs. It's awesome.

614. NAS CAR on Fox welcomes you to Lowe's Motor Speedway...

615. where tonight we'll go 500 miles.

616. The big stories tonight are at both ends of the grid.

617. Up front, Larry, the surprising French Formula One driver, Jean Girard.

618. And at the opposite end of the grid, Darrell, Ricky Bobby.

619. I saw Ricky Bobby last night walking around with a cast on his arm.

620. Now, I don't know who he conned into letting him start this race.

621. Just keep a camera on him all night long.

622. I am so excited.

623. This is a new era for Dennit Racing, huh?

624. So serious all the time about your big race team.

625. - Who cares? - But this is my life. This is my life.

626. You know what? There's only one good thing about coming to the races...

627. and that is the vibrations from the cars.

628. Oh, I love when them cars whiz by.

629. Can feel the motor...

630. running up my legs.

631. Ricky Bobby, who never met a sponsor he wouldn't push...

632. has a Fig Newton sticker on his windshield.

633. Think NAS CAR will black-flag him for that.

634. He sold the windshield!

635. This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I love Fig Newtons.

636. Ricky Bobby started this race in the back...

637. but he's making no friends on the way to the front.

638. I'm all about getting to the front tonight, Lucius. Let's go! Let's move it!

639. Well, he's driving like a man possessed.

640. I'm not even sure he realizes how much damage he's doing to his car.

641. Hey, Ricky. You know you're driving like a pissed-off teenager, okay?

642. Where is that Frenchy?

643. I got you, Pepe Le Bitch.

644. Oh, Ricky Bobby.

645. Hey, it's me, America.

646. Yeah, I'm here.

647. You have spilled my macchiato.

648. Look at Girard in the 55.

649. He's made that car three lanes wide, but he's still fast.

650. No, no, no, my friend. This way also closed. Not this way.

651. Lucius, what's he doing? He's everywhere at once.

652. Guy's dangerous, Ricky. He's like a cobra. Back off!

653. Where's Cal? I need a little support here!

654. Tell Ricky I'm on my way.

655. Damn it!

656. Hey, Ricky, listen.

657. Cal blew out his engine. You have no backup. Back off!

658. I ain't backing off. I'm Ricky Bobby, I'm the best there is.

659. He's too good, Ricky. Lay off!

660. Bobby's boxed in. There's nowhere to go there.

661. He's gonna try the outside move again. I don't know if it's gonna work.

662. Come on, Daddy!

663. Come on, Daddy! Whoop his butt!

664. Send that weird man back to Indonesia.

665. - Come on! - Bobby moves to the outside.

666. Not a lot of room. He's in the wall!

667. Bobby is sliding, slamming into the wall.

668. He's airborne!

669. Yep. I'm flying through the air. This is not good.

670. - Ricky! - Cool!

671. Ricky!

672. Peaches and cream!

673. The car comes to rest in a big cloud of smoke.

674. Ricky Bobby appears to be okay...

675. but that Wonder Bread car is toast.

676. Fantastic.

677. Oh, my God! Ricky!

678. Hakuna matata, bitches.

679. It's okay, guys, it's just a wreck. Ricky can handle it.

680. Now, that's one of the nastiest wrecks you'll ever see.

681. Oh, no, no, no.

682. It's all right. You're safe.

683. - You're safe. - We got you. We're here.

684. I'm on fire.

685. It's all right. It's all right, you're not on fire!

686. - You're lying! I'm on fire! - There is no fire.

687. - I'm on fire. I don't wanna die. - Come back here.

688. But something looks wrong. I mean, he's running around like he's on fire.

689. Oh, my God! Help me! I don't wanna die! Stop, drop, and roll!

690. - You're not on fire, Ricky Bobby! - I'm on fire!

691. You're not on fire.

692. But I'm not even sure he even knows where he's at right now.

693. This makes us all realize the kind of pressure these drivers are under.

694. Mr. Bobby, come on down here.

695. Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God!

696. Help me, Allah!

697. Help me, Tom Cruise!

698. But how did he get down to his underwear that fast?

699. Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

700. Look. Here, help's coming.

701. - Wait a minute! - It's Cal Naughton.

702. Oh, God! Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!

703. I got you! I got you, man! I'll help you!

704. He's jumping on Ricky, trying to put the nonexistent fire out.

705. Now, that's a teammate right there.

706. This is going downhill fast.

707. It would be a great time to go to commercial break.

708. Help me, Oprah Winfrey!

709. You know, Larry, there's good days in racing, and there's bad days.

710. Ricky Bobby just had himself a bad day.

711. He's suffering from catatonic shock.

712. His injuries are minor, but right now he can't deal with the trauma of the wreck.

713. Golly, this is a hard decision.

714. But I have thought about it, and I want the plug pulled.

715. Yeah.

716. Ma'am, your husband's not dying.

717. He's just taking a nap.

718. - Just look at him. - No, I'm not lying.

719. I've never seen him make that noise. Ever.

720. Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City.

721. Oh, baby. Mama loves you so much.

722. Hey, Ricky. It's me, Cal.

723. Just want you to know, I got your back, bro. No matter what.

724. There's something I want to get off my chest...

725. and it's about that summer when you went away to community college.

726. I got a offer to do Playgirl magazine...

727. and I did it.

728. I did a full spread for Playgirl magazine.

729. I mean spread, man. I pulled my butt apart and stuff...

730. and I was totally nude, and it was weird.

731. You probably didn't hear about it...

732. because I went under the name of Mike Honcho.

733. But I just wanted you to know that.

734. If you could hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...

735. that I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho.

736. "Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

737. Gretchen, my friend, got her period. I'm so jealous, God.

738. I hate myself for being so jealous, but I am.

739. I wish you'd help me just a little.

740. Nancy's sure she's going to get it soon too. And if I'm last..."

741. Hey, Ricky. Ricky!

742. Come on, man, wake up.

743. Are you faking it?

744. Are you faking it? Fake it!

745. I don't know how much longer I can take seeing you like this.

746. I am not gonna let you die here...

747. like some kind of vegetable.

748. I'm gonna put an end to this right now.

749. Get all this crap off you.

750. You don't need any of this crap.

751. This is it. This is how it ends.

752. This is how Shake and Bake ends.

753. It's shadow time, buddy.

754. It's time to go home to Jesus.

755. Goodbye, buddy.

756. Oh, wow, you definitely...

757. You definitely still got some fight in you.

758. Okay, maybe we give this another day.

759. Middle. I'll go up to the middle. Let's play some defense!

760. I just wanna say thanks, doc, for taking care of our boy here.

761. - Oh, shit. - That's a foul! That's a foul!

762. Doc, give it to me straight.

763. Is he ever gonna be able to walk again?

764. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought someone had told you. He's fine.

765. He found that wheelchair in the hallway.

766. His paralysis is entirely psychosomatic.

767. But we all need to go along with this, because he's in a delicate state.

768. So when you say psychosomatic, you mean, like...

769. he could start a fire with his thoughts?

770. No, not at all. It means it's all in his mind.

771. I'm saying, sometimes you get a knock on the head, you get special powers.

772. It happens all the time. Read a comic book, okay?

773. Everyone's real friendly.

774. It doesn't hurt being Ricky Bobby. I'm not gonna lie to you.

775. So how's the physical therapy going?

776. Oh, I gave that up. Yeah, I gave that up...

777. after maybe the first day. Within the first hour, I gave that up.

778. I'm through lying to myself, you know?

779. It's time to be mature about this and just face facts.

780. I bought myself a hundred-thousand-dollar...

781. handicap-accessible van...

782. with the captain's chairs and the DVD plasma screens in the back for the kids.

783. - You all paid up on that? - Yeah. That's all paid in full.

784. It's parked out there. And then the next thing I gotta do...

785. is I just gotta have a sit-down with Carley and just let her know...

786. that it's okay for her to seek the comfort of other men.

787. Because she's gotta run wild. You can't keep something like that back.

788. Hold on, man. Hold...

789. - We gotta tell him. - Now?

790. No, I don't care what the doctor said, we gotta tell him now.

791. Ricky, the doctor told us...

792. that we should let you work it out in your own sweet time...

793. but, Ricky, you can walk.

794. What did you just say?

795. He's telling you the truth, man. It's all in your head.

796. You sick sons of bitches!

797. I mean, you walk in that door...

798. on your two legs, all fat and cocky...

799. and looking at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head?

800. I hope that both of you have sons.

801. Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons who are talented and star athletes...

802. and they have their legs taken away!

803. I pray you know that pain and that hurt.

804. Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!

805. Don't you put that on us! You are not paralyzed!

806. I am so paralyzed!

807. - No, no, no! No, he needs to know! - Getting a little rough on him.

808. - He's always crying! - Tough love, it is. Tough love.

809. - Wake up, idiot! - You wanna know what I am?

810. You wanna see what my life is?

811. Don't do it.

812. - You wanna see what's going on here? - Don't you stick that knife in your leg.

813. - Man! - Hold on, hold on.

814. - Hold on, now. Walk it off. - Oh, that hurts.

815. - Oh, my...! - Walk it off.

816. Stretch, stretch. Stretch it out.

817. Hey, man. You can walk! You can walk!

818. I can walk!

819. - I think I touched a nerve. - Right there.

820. All right, we got it, we got it. Hold it right there.

821. Maybe don't touch it.

822. - Can you feel it? - I can!

823. We'll use this knife to pry it out. We'll pull it out.

824. - Now we got two in there. - Just don't think about it.

825. - We're going down a bad path. - Cut around the meat.

826. I'll cut right here. Stretch it out.

827. Just take out a plug of meat. Just like a deer.

828. We gotta wiggle it a little bit. That's it. Can you feel that?

829. - Yeah, I feel that. - You are back!

830. I love you guys!

831. Hey, I'm sorry, guys. I mean, I hope your boys don't lose their legs.

832. - Thanks, buddy. - So when do I get to drive again?

833. Well, that's the thing. The doctor said you suffered major trauma...

834. and he thinks you should take it slow for a while.

835. Yeah, so, I was thinking, like, while you're resting up and stuff...

836. maybe you could let me win a few. - Well, there you go.

837. Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

838. Yeah. I'm Ricky Bobby. I mean, you know how I play it.

839. - Yeah. - First or last, right, baby?

840. - Don't know what I was thinking. - Besides...

841. Dennit Jr. Must be freaking out. All the money he's losing?

842. Without me on the track?

843. I mean, I just laugh...

844. thinking about him whining all the time, bitching and moaning:

845. "Damn, I wish Ricky was here."

846. You know what I mean?

847. What?

848. Frenchy can drive.

849. Oh, no.

850. Very good.

851. C'est la vie and que sera, sera.

852. It looks like the NASCAR has gone French.

853. Well, in other news, Ricky Bobby...

854. is going to be running some test laps this weekend at Rockingham...

855. in an attempt to come back from his grisly crash.

856. It's one of the hardest things to do in racing.

857. To try to bounce back after a devastating, violent wreck.

858. Ricky Bobby was traumatized during the incident.

859. All right, baby. Come on, now.

860. But today he gets to strap back into a racecar for the first time since...

861. to try to show he can still get the job done.

862. - He's gonna be great. Yep. - He's gonna be great, sure.

863. Would you stop staring at me like that, Susan? I swear...

864. you are the weirdest little girl I've ever seen.

865. Okay, I'm really gonna open it up!

866. I missed you, Mama Speed. Ricky Bobby's back.

867. Wait, how fast is he going?

868. Twenty-six miles an hour.

869. What were those things? Were those the other cars?

870. Oh, God. So fast.

871. Go, baby! There you are.

872. Am I on fire? I'm on fire.

873. - No, no, you're not on fire. - Stretch it out.

874. - It's okay, baby. - Take it easy.

875. - Oh, God, I'm gonna get sick. - Oh, God.

876. - Oh, he's in his underwear again. - Ricky! Please put your clothes on.

877. He's in his underwear again. Go get him, fellas.

878. Oh, Lord.

879. You know who's gonna be number one at Dennit Racing?

880. - Not Ricky? - I'm gonna windmill you.

881. Mr. Cal Naughton Jr.

882. - Come back at him. It's the only way. - Who are you?

883. - Number one. - No.

884. - Oh, yes, ma'am. - Ricky! Come on, man!

885. It's embarrassing.

886. The ninjas are trying to get me. The ninjas are trying to get me.

887. - Oh, my God. - What happened?

888. What happened? He's done. He's done.

889. That's what's happened. It's over. He's finished.

890. What's gonna happen to me?

891. I feel like I was riding inside an asteroid or a comet or something.

892. Yeah, you were going fast.

893. - Look at that. - What are we gonna do?

894. This is ugly. This is bad for all of us. Look at that.

895. - I gotta go check on cuckoo bird. - No, cuckoo's okay.

896. Why don't you get over there and settle down Carley for me?

897. - Could you do that for me? - Yes, sir.

898. There you go.

899. What began as a day of hope and optimism...

900. for Ricky Bobby and his race team has ended here in sad disappointment.

901. There we go, boy.

902. - I lost all muscle control. - Yeah, you did.

903. - He just lost his muscle control is all. - I lost my muscle control.

904. He's fine. He just can't control the muscles.

905. - Thanks for the lift, Hershell. - Yeah, no problem.

906. Jenga!

907. I love you, Cal.

908. - Good one, kiddo. - What the hell's going on?

909. Hey, Ricky, nice of you to stop by for a visit.

910. What do you mean, a visit? This is my house.

911. Baby...

912. shoot. I'm so sorry.

913. I really... I didn't want it to be this way.

914. Hey, what happened to the family portrait?

915. You just crudely pasted your face over mine.

916. We're getting married, Ricky.

917. And we're getting matching leprechaun tattoos.

918. Isn't that cute? With a little pot of gold.

919. Is this some kind of joke? You guys putting me on?

920. I was gone three hours. Dennit just fired me from the team.

921. Ricky, you and I...

922. we both know that this marriage has been over for a long, long time.

923. No! I honestly did not know that!

924. Ricky, you can't race no more.

925. I'm not going back to being poor and dancing at the Wizard's Den.

926. You know, my old boyfriend Greg?

927. He still works there and he was crazy.

928. Baby, stop.

929. Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Just a second. Let me make sure I got this straight.

930. Are you asking me for a divorce?

931. - Yay! Two Christmases! - Yay! Two Christmases!

932. Cal?

933. How could you do this to me, man?

934. Ricky, your marriage was a hollow shell.

935. It was a cruel charade.

936. She just gave me the 411 on the whole deal.

937. And you know what else? You never let me win one time.

938. I thought we had a good thing going. Shake and Bake.

939. You're doing great. You just keep it up. Keep it up.

940. And Mr. Dennit told me that it's my time now.

941. - Oh, really? - That Shake and Bake is dead.

942. And we just came up with a new nickname.

943. - It's so good. It's so good. - I got a new nickname.

944. The Magic Man. Now you see me...

945. now you don't.

946. That is the stupidest nickname I've ever heard.

947. Is it, Ricky?

948. Because I think you wish you thought of it.

949. All right. You got me. That's an awesome nickname.

950. I've always had a lot of great ideas.

951. I also think I might design a car that's in the shape of a rabbit.

952. It might poop out little real rabbits out the back that'll run around the track.

953. You have live rabbits being pooped out onto a track?

954. If I win, I might do a special thing with David Copperfield...

955. where he hides in my car in the passenger seat...

956. and he just flings magic stuff out the window.

957. Did you run any of this by NASCAR?

958. Watch the mail for that invitation to the wedding, because I want you there.

959. - What? - I know it...

960. that some bad stuff happened just now, but in time...

961. The wedding's not for a couple of weeks.

962. Why would I come to your guys' wedding?

963. - You're gonna get over it and be my best man.

964. I'm not gonna be your best man!

965. Baby, he's not gonna come to the wedding.

966. Cal, do you realize the implications of your actions right now?

967. What's "implication" mean?

968. We are no longer friends.

969. - Why? - What do you mean, "Why?"

970. You're wrecking my life!

971. You just lost your wife. You just lost your job.

972. Don't throw out your best friend because of your anger.

973. - That's absolutely ridiculous, man. - Ricky...

974. remember, the field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.

975. That's kind of creepy, ain't it?

976. - Hey, Ricky, I'll call you tomorrow. - Shut up.

977. - Bye, kids. I'll see you next weekend. - Bye.

978. Ricky! Boys! Is everything all right?

979. Mama, we got nowhere to go. Carley and Cal took everything.

980. Well, you're home now, and you got your mama.

981. Get in here, boys. Come on.

982. Come on. Get in this house.

983. Hey, Ricky. Are you on fire?

984. - Nice denim shorts, dude. - Hey, shut up, man.

985. Hump me!

986. Now, you watch yourself.

987. Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again.

988. Hey, sorry, man.

989. Hey.

990. I lost my license.

991. That's why I'm on the bus. I'm delivering pizzas.

992. Motherfucker, what makes you think I care?

993. Shut the fuck up!

994. I was just telling you that because...

995. Like I said, I lost my license. I've been having a lot of problems lately.

996. Problems? I don't wanna hear about your damn problems.

997. Everybody got problems.

998. My mama got problems. She just lost her leg.

999. My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog threw up somebody's finger.

1000. That's a problem.

1001. I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.

1002. - Sorry. Sorry. - Get out of the road!

1003. Hey, come on, man. I'm on a bike. Relax.

1004. - Hey, shut up! - Idiot!

1005. It's open.

1006. Hugalo's Pizza. We are pizza.

1007. - You are pizza? - Yeah, we are pizza. I gotta say it.

1008. Either close the door or come in. I got weed in here, cowboy.

1009. You got three pizzas that haven't been eaten just sitting over there.

1010. I know. I've been calling them all day trying to get you...

1011. but they keep sending me different delivery people.

1012. Trying to get me? Why?

1013. Because I'm your daddy, that's why.

1014. - What did you just say? - I said, I'm your daddy.

1015. I'm Reese Bobby.

1016. Me and your mama did it in a Rustler Steak House bathroom when I was 17.

1017. And then you showed up.

1018. Hey, son.

1019. - Son! Son, did this go good? - No!

1020. - Seems to me like it went pretty good. - You're not my dad.

1021. - It got a little heated, but... - Stop talking to me!

1022. Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-looking bike, boy.

1023. I can't believe it!

1024. I mean, he's been blowing me off for 25 years...

1025. and now he wants to get to know me?

1026. How the hell did he even find me?

1027. I called him.

1028. Are you kidding me? Mama, why did you go do that?

1029. Son, you need help.

1030. - I know he's a son of a bitch. - He's scary.

1031. But you're a grown man. You're delivering pizzas on a bike.

1032. How'd you even get hooked up with him in the first place?

1033. You probably couldn't tell by looking at him now...

1034. but your daddy used to be a real charmer.

1035. And that night in the ladies' room of the Rustler Steak House, he chose me.

1036. - In a ladies' room? - Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!

1037. One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

1038. Hey, stop yelling at me, okay? I'm your dad. You're 7 years old.

1039. Don't talk like that.

1040. Hey. Hey there, Lucy.

1041. How you doing?

1042. Oh, hey there, Ricky. Look, son...

1043. I know you don't want me to be here...

1044. but I saw what happened to you on the television. You saw the fear.

1045. - I can help you with that, son. - Really?

1046. What do you care about me or us? You never even met your grandkids.

1047. - What are you looking at, Popeye? - Shut up, you little pot-licker.

1048. I'll put you in a microwave.

1049. Now, you show me the DNA test...

1050. and then maybe I'll say hello to these swamp rats.

1051. You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent trying to sleep.

1052. You better shut up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent.

1053. Yeah, shut up, Frank!

1054. Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

1055. Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

1056. I know you, son. I know you well.

1057. You're just like me. Talladega's coming up in a couple of weeks...

1058. and I know you wanna win that thing. - No, I don't.

1059. Listen, Ricky.

1060. I'm 55 years old and all I got to my name is a car...

1061. and a duffle bag full of underwear, and sweet, stinky weed.

1062. How much you selling that weed for, old man?

1063. I know I screwed up raising you as a boy...

1064. but just let me help you as a man.

1065. - Do it, Dad. Get your balls back. - Go fast again.

1066. Fine. I'll do it.

1067. - But I ain't calling you Daddy. - Well, what you gonna call me?

1068. All right, Professor Dickweed. What's the plan?

1069. Well, basically, what happened to you is that you saw the fear.

1070. So before you can even think about any real driving...

1071. you gotta make friends with that fear. So get in the car.

1072. What the hell? There's a goddamn cougar in the car!

1073. I know there's a cougar, I put it in there.

1074. You gotta learn to drive with the fear.

1075. Ain't nothing more damn frightening than driving with a cougar in the car.

1076. - God, where'd you get that thing? - I trapped it.

1077. Been keeping it in my bathroom at the motel, feeding it old pizza.

1078. - Now get back in that car, you hear me? - No, I'm not getting in that car.

1079. Hey, listen to me. If you're calm, that wondrous big cat will be calm too.

1080. But if you're scared...

1081. that beautiful death machine will do what God made it to do...

1082. namely, eat you with a smile on its face.

1083. God, he's just following me wherever I go.

1084. Well, he's just looking at you.

1085. You're saying if I just calm down, the cougar will be okay?

1086. - You got it. - Damn it. Okay.

1087. Come on, son. You can do it. Come on.

1088. Oh, come on.

1089. That's it.

1090. - And no sudden moves. - Like, is this too fast? Oh, man. See?

1091. - That's a little quick. - You see what he did?

1092. You gotta be a little more deliberate in your movement.

1093. I'm just gonna get in there. I'm just gonna grab the handle.

1094. I'm gonna get in and drive that car. I'm gonna do it calm.

1095. - Calm. Piece of cake. - I was just trying to stay calm.

1096. - Oh, man! - Sometime today, son.

1097. Okay, here we go. I'm getting in.

1098. Oh, God, help me!

1099. - Ricky! Control your heart rate. - Oh, my God!

1100. Hey, Mama.

1101. Well, hey there, Ricky. How'd it go?

1102. Well, I was mauled by a cougar...

1103. learned nothing about driving, and my Crystal Gayle shirt was ruined.

1104. But other than that, it went fine.

1105. Where are the boys at?

1106. I dropped them off at Sunday school at my church about 10 minutes ago.

1107. Anarchy!

1108. - Anarchy! Anarchy! - Anarchy!

1109. - There they are. - What in tarnation?

1110. - Anarchy! - I don't even know what that means...

1111. but I love it!

1112. - What in the hell? - That is it!

1113. That puts the lid right on the jar!

1114. - Mama! Mama! - No, Ricky, no.

1115. I will not have my grandbabies acting like shiftless, wild hobos.

1116. All right, now, you boys listen up, and you listen good.

1117. Now, I am declaring Granny Law.

1118. And if you do not obey Granny Law...

1119. I will paint your back porch red.

1120. Sorry, Granny, but you're shit out of luck.

1121. We make the rules, not you.

1122. Hey!

1123. You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?

1124. It's the beginning of a new age.

1125. Hey, Derek, it's Ricky.

1126. Just wondering if you can ditch school...

1127. and take over my shift at the pizza place...

1128. because I got strep throat.

1129. And it's bad. I don't wanna give it to everyone else.

1130. So call me back. You know the number.

1131. Hello.

1132. Hey, man. How's it going? You wanna come over and party?

1133. Did you just say "party"?

1134. You know what? No. Because I still hate you, okay?

1135. - What are you so mad about? - What do you think I'm mad about?

1136. Come on, man, that was last week.

1137. What about the time you ran over my leg with a car?

1138. - I let that go that day. - Yeah, I remember.

1139. Wind is kicking up.

1140. Are you in the hot tub?

1141. Answer me this: When you're in spa mode...

1142. how come the water level drops in the spa?

1143. Are you pressing the buttons in the back panel or in the kitchen?

1144. - I just started pressing stuff. - Hey, don't press all those buttons.

1145. I'm getting bored. You wanna come over and play G.I. Joes?

1146. I would love to. No!

1147. Come on. You know what? Screw you, man.

1148. Ricky, man, you gotta cross over the anger bridge.

1149. Come back to the friendship shore.

1150. - "Cross over the anger bridge"? - Yeah, that's where you're at.

1151. You're stuck on an anger bridge.

1152. Can you not see why I'm stuck on the anger bridge?

1153. Look, I don't know why I'm talking to you, okay? What is it?

1154. They got bottomless nachos at Bennigan's.

1155. God, a whole mess of nachos sounds good right now.

1156. I don't have a car no more. Can you come get me?

1157. I'll get you. Which one of your cars do you miss the most? I'll bring that one.

1158. - I miss the Hummer. - I'm coming in the Hummer.

1159. - Are you ready? - Yeah. No, wait.

1160. Okay. Our friendship is done. All right?

1161. - You hear? - You wanna hang out in your house.

1162. - Come on. - Screw you, dude. I'm hanging up.

1163. Okay, that's it. Bye.

1164. Oh, man, this is absolutely crazy. I mean, this is borderline reckless.

1165. Don't you get it? You don't drive with your eyes, you drive with your heart.

1166. This is just dumb. I can't see a thing.

1167. You gotta feel the road. You gotta let it live inside you.

1168. - Are you feeling anything now? - I'm feeling a little bit.

1169. What do you feel? Tell me what you're feeling.

1170. I'm feeling the worn wood of the steering wheel.

1171. - Yeah. What else? - A little bit of heat.

1172. That's you and the car melded together.

1173. Yeah, now I'm really feeling it. I feel like the car could drive itself.

1174. I bet it could. Start her up.

1175. I'm gonna start this car up.

1176. Attaboy. All right, son.

1177. Drive.

1178. I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.

1179. You know what? We better hightail it out of here. Frank's gonna be pissed.

1180. All right.

1181. No, no, Ricky. No blindfold.

1182. Get this highway clean, come on.

1183. I gotta tell you, Granny, this blows.

1184. - How much more of this? - I don't know.

1185. How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio in the bathtub?

1186. - Hello? - Hey, man. You up?

1187. - No. - Wake up. I need to talk to you.

1188. I think your house is haunted.

1189. Hey, come on. It's 2:30 in the morning.

1190. I can't sleep in here, man. I'm scared.

1191. Look, there's nothing to be scared of. It's a new house...

1192. there's a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it.

1193. - Put on... You got your TV on? - Well, yeah, I fell asleep with it on.

1194. - Turn on channel 42. - Forty-two?

1195. - Look at them buns. - Well, that is a set of buns.

1196. And down, and down, and...

1197. What's she doing exercising at 2:30 in the morning?

1198. Oh, yeah, that's a really good point.

1199. I don't know why I'm talking to you. Do you remember that I hate you?

1200. Hey, man, you know what I was thinking?

1201. - You're lucky. - I'm lucky?

1202. - How so? - Well, check it out.

1203. I'm sitting here in this enormous haunted mansion, can't sleep.

1204. You're hanging out at your mom's. That's awesome.

1205. - That's, like, the opposite of awesome. - Well, this is like a hotel room...

1206. with someone else's junk in it.

1207. Okay, yeah, well, that someone else's junk, that used to be my stuff.

1208. I'm just having a hard time, man. I'm just calling up for some support.

1209. Do you...? Do you know how crazy that sounds?

1210. - Hey, one more thing. - Yeah?

1211. When you have the stereo on at the same time as the TV...

1212. how do you control the volume on the TV?

1213. Why do you want to listen to the TV with the stereo on?

1214. Because I like to party.

1215. Why am I still talking to you?

1216. Come on. We were doing good there, man.

1217. I'm taking care of your house good.

1218. I keep snapping back into it. It's like a trick you're pulling on me.

1219. - All right. I'll talk to you tomorrow. - All right, man. Talk to you tomorrow.

1220. Shit.

1221. Get out.

1222. Where did stock-car racing come from?

1223. What?

1224. - Hey, stop doing that. - How did stock-car racing get its start?

1225. Bootleggers in Prohibition had to have cars fast enough to outrun the Feds...

1226. then they started racing each other. - That's right.

1227. If I was right, why'd you throw another bucket on me?

1228. I filled up three. Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail.

1229. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity.

1230. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue.

1231. Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes...

1232. before they show up and you do five to 10.

1233. So, what's it gonna be? Fear or prison?

1234. - What the hell are you talking about? - Real simple, son.

1235. Cops are coming.

1236. There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man.

1237. - You got hair on your peaches or what? - You're not kidding, are you? Man.

1238. You crazy creep!

1239. Come on, son. What's it gonna be?

1240. Speed or jail?

1241. Grandpa, would you like to take us fishing...

1242. and tell us life lessons and stories about your childhood?

1243. I got a better idea.

1244. Why don't you boys go dig a hole and I'll get another beer?

1245. Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?

1246. Good call. Here, that's worth a nickel.

1247. Tragic.

1248. Son of a bitch, son of a bitch, son of a bitch.

1249. Oh, man. Oh, man!

1250. One-sixteen. One-sixteen!

1251. I'm going fast again!

1252. Pull over! Pull over!

1253. Pull over? I'll pull over for you. How about this?

1254. Where are you?

1255. Gotcha.

1256. "Feels good going fast, doesn't it?

1257. By the way, don't try and snort these Lucky Charms. Reese."

1258. Okay.

1259. Okay.

1260. There you go, little man.

1261. Hey, Ricky!

1262. How you doing?

1263. - Oh, Nana, not my prison shank. - In the can.

1264. There's your mother-flipping driving test.

1265. Mr. Bobby, you are magnificent.

1266. Down, Karen! Get down! Get down, Karen!

1267. It's all right. It's gonna be okay.

1268. Well, son, you are looking good behind that wheel.

1269. Thanks, Daddy. I gotta tell you, I feel good. Heck, you know what?

1270. Let's go out tonight, you know, the whole family.

1271. I'm talking about sitting down, enjoying a gourmet meal...

1272. at a place that's real special.

1273. - Hi. Those plates are hot. Enjoy. - You got your own skillet.

1274. - Be back to check on you in a minute. - Thank you.

1275. Oh, gooder than grits.

1276. Let us pray.

1277. Dear Lord baby Jesus...

1278. lying there in your little ghost manger...

1279. just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos...

1280. learning about shapes and colors and...

1281. We just have so much to be thankful for.

1282. First off, my sons no longer act...

1283. like retarded gangbangers. - Amen.

1284. Also, I got my balls back behind the wheel of a car.

1285. And most importantly, we thank you...

1286. for bringing back our nasty, delinquent, pot-dealing daddy to us.

1287. For he was lost, but now he is found. Amen.

1288. - Amen. - Amen.

1289. Son, that was lovely.

1290. - What a lovely meal. - It sure is.

1291. It certainly does look delicious.

1292. I gotta tell you, this is about a damn perfect evening right now.

1293. It is, isn't it?

1294. You know what we should do?

1295. Every week, we should come back to this Applebee's...

1296. and sit at this table, and have a family meal.

1297. - That's a great idea, Mama. - And order the same stuff.

1298. - That would be great. - And I would be delighted, Reese...

1299. if you would accompany me to ballroom dancing on Tuesday nights.

1300. - Tuesday night? - It's a lot of fun.

1301. - I think you'd have a good time. - How's everybody doing here?

1302. - Dolly, it's so good. - Oh, it's really, really good.

1303. You know, I just... I hate to be a pain, darling...

1304. but I asked for no onions on my Bourbon Steak.

1305. I am so sorry. I thought you asked for onions...

1306. Okay, okay, maybe don't interrupt me.

1307. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. - Yeah, well, I think you did mean to...

1308. and I also think that you meant to put the damn onions on my steak.

1309. - Okay, Reese. - Grandfather...

1310. can't we resolve this conflict without anger?

1311. - I'm a veteran and a diabetic! - Dad!

1312. - Dad! Why are you doing this? - Applebee's has rats!

1313. I found a whole rat in my Cobb salad!

1314. Dad, where are you going?

1315. Come on, frat boy, you wanna go?

1316. - What's going on, man? - Ricky, let him go!

1317. - Things were going good, weren't they? - That's exactly why I had to blow it up.

1318. I don't know what organ or bone people have...

1319. that makes them act right, but I was born without it. I'm no good.

1320. All those races I won, that was for you, you know that?

1321. I did just like you told me: "If you ain't first, you're last."

1322. What the hell are you talking about?

1323. What you told me that day at school for career day.

1324. You came in and you said, "If you ain't first, you're last."

1325. Oh, hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that.

1326. That doesn't make any sense at all.

1327. "You're first or last." You can be second, you can be third, fourth.

1328. Hell, you can even be fifth.

1329. What are you talking about? I lived my whole life based on that.

1330. Well, now what the hell am I supposed to do?

1331. Well, that's the million-dollar question, isn't it?

1332. Good luck to you, son.

1333. Hey, Dad!

1334. Where are you going?

1335. Does it matter?

1336. Here we go.

1337. Hey, don't bump me.

1338. Oh, man, I'm flying.

1339. Game over. Come on, reset.

1340. Boy, you are a terrible driver, no?

1341. How'd you get on a video game so fast?

1342. Is your name, by chance, Ricky Bobby?

1343. Hey, screw you, man! I got nothing because of you!

1344. - I hate you! - Hey, Ricky.

1345. I am on fire. I am on fire.

1346. Susan?

1347. And so then I got a marketing job with NASCAR.

1348. - Really? - Yeah, it's great. It's great.

1349. Well, gosh, you look fantastic.

1350. - Thank you. - I mean, you've always looked good.

1351. I mean, I'm just... I'm happy for you.

1352. Thank you.

1353. But what about you?

1354. How have you been? What have you been doing?

1355. Well, they want me to race at Talladega next weekend, but I'm not gonna do it.

1356. Because I'm done. I'm done with the racing, with driving.

1357. - Why would you do that? - Because I've really moved on.

1358. I've sent in my application to The Real World...

1359. so I'm hoping to hear back.

1360. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket.

1361. I'm also thinking about getting a gun and dealing crack.

1362. Being a crack dealer, but not like a mean crack dealer, but like a...

1363. You know, like a nice one.

1364. Just kind of friendly, like, "Hey...

1365. what's up, guys? You want some crack?"

1366. I'm just waiting on those two things to kind of flesh themselves out.

1367. You know what, Ricky?

1368. I have kept my mouth shut for a really, really long time.

1369. And I just don't think that I can keep it shut anymore.

1370. I just have to tell you that I think you are making a big mistake.

1371. - Really? - Yes.

1372. Why is it that you always fall for people who leave you?

1373. Have you noticed that?

1374. Like Carley and your dad and your sponsors.

1375. And you always have to prove yourself. Wh...?

1376. Well, you gotta listen to me here, okay?

1377. You gotta win to get love. Everyone knows that.

1378. I mean, that's just life.

1379. Look at Don Shula, legendary coach.

1380. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record...

1381. for eating all those hot dogs in a row.

1382. Look at Rue McClanahan from The Golden Girls.

1383. All three people, all great champions, all loved.

1384. Do you wanna know why I think that you should race again?

1385. Sure. Why?

1386. Okay. It's because it's what you love, Ricky.

1387. It is who you were born to be.

1388. And here you sit, thinking.

1389. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver.

1390. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do.

1391. You don't need to think, you need to drive.

1392. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine.

1393. You need to fire it up.

1394. You need to grab hold of the line between speed and chaos...

1395. and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra.

1396. And then, when that fear rises up in your belly, you use it...

1397. and you know that fear is powerful because it has been there...

1398. for billions of years! And it is good, and you use it, and you ride it.

1399. You ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell...

1400. and then you win! You win!

1401. You don't win for anybody else, you win for you. You know why?

1402. Because a man takes what he wants, he takes it all.

1403. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?

1404. Susan, I've never heard you talk like that.

1405. Are we about to get it on?

1406. Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.

1407. - This is awesome. - Yes, it is.

1408. - Are you climbing on the table now? - Yes, sir.

1409. I can't believe this.

1410. This is like that Whitesnake video where the girl crawls on...

1411. Yeah. Just like that. What's her name?

1412. Tawny Kitaen. She's really good.

1413. - She's great. - She's fantastic.

1414. Everyone, turn away.

1415. Things are gonna get crazy. We're gonna make animal noises.

1416. - Looks good, damn good. - Yeah. That's good, guys.

1417. Yeah, Ricky, it's good to be back.

1418. - Talladega. - Talladega.

1419. I missed you dudes.

1420. Even you too, Glenn.

1421. I didn't have a whole lot of money left, but what I did I put into the car.

1422. We got some lower-end sponsors, so it's nothing to shout about...

1423. but at least we got something to run in.

1424. Let's see what we got, guys.

1425. What are we looking at? "Julio's thongs for men"?

1426. Come on, what kind of dude wears a thong?

1427. Yeah, that's messed up.

1428. Perverts, you know?

1429. It's not the best car, but it'll move.

1430. Hold on, now, baby. Let's just see what this thing's got under the hood.

1431. - There she is. - Looks like the Pep Boys threw up.

1432. - Damn. - Like I said, work in progress.

1433. All right, I tell you what we gotta do. Since we got no corporate money...

1434. we have to build this engine ourselves.

1435. I want you to hit up every independent driver out there for spare parts.

1436. Yeah, Lucius, that's crazy.

1437. Well, crazy is all we got right now, okay? So do it.

1438. Now, where you going?

1439. I wanna tell Gerard Depardieu we're coming for him.

1440. There you go, baby. Give him hell.

1441. Get this engine built. Get it built.

1442. I have not finished.

1443. Monsieur Girard, Ricky Bobby is here to see you.

1444. This is the one I was talking about, Ricky Bobby.

1445. Thank you, Bacco. Go.

1446. You're a tough man to find. You know that, buster?

1447. I prefer solitude the day before a race.

1448. I am being so incredibly rude, Monsieur Bobby.

1449. Let me introduce you to my lunch guests.

1450. This is my dear old friend Elvis Costello.

1451. Delightful to meet you, Mr. Robert. I thought you were dead.

1452. And next to him is hip-hop artist, poet and my brother-in-law, Mos Def.

1453. I like your driving style. I'm more of a Tony Stewart man...

1454. number 20 car, myself.

1455. How he gets into those straightaways.

1456. Gets it in the paint. Get her done!

1457. And across from Monsieur Def...

1458. is Breeze.

1459. Hey. You're Breeze or you're Breeze? Which one of you is Breeze?

1460. Together we are Breeze.

1461. They are like twins, born from different wombs.

1462. - Right. - They are God's most...

1463. beautiful mistake.

1464. They do everything together. Everything.

1465. They read the same books.

1466. They do Pilates together.

1467. They walk, talk, sleep...

1468. even go make toilet.

1469. Okay, you're starting to creep me out, man.

1470. A single plop.

1471. One single plop.

1472. I don't need to hear about doing a toilet.

1473. You want more examples?

1474. - No, you listed like 8000. - Less than that.

1475. - It's none of my business. - More like...

1476. I don't know, between five and 10.

1477. Look, I need to talk to you.

1478. Walk with me, Ricky Bobby.

1479. - You have a good lunch. - Take care, man.

1480. - Goodbye, Ricky. - Goodbye.

1481. Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.

1482. It is a sign of friendship in many countries.

1483. Well, not in ours.

1484. There's nothing sexual about it.

1485. Please don't be worried at the fact I have an erection.

1486. - It has nothing to do with you. - Hey, come on.

1487. Look. Here's the deal. I came here to tell you one thing.

1488. All right? Tomorrow, I'm coming for you.

1489. Do you know why I came to America, Ricky Bobby?

1490. Public schools, health-care system, giant water parks.

1491. I mean, the same reason anyone comes to America.

1492. I came here for you to beat me.

1493. - What the hell are you talking about? - My husband, Gregory, and I...

1494. wish only for that which every other couple wishes for:

1495. To tame Komodo dragons in Sri Lanka...

1496. and teach them to perform Hamlet.

1497. But before I can do that...

1498. - That's dumb. - It's not dumb.

1499. - It is dumb. - Why is it dumb?

1500. - I don't know. - But before I can do that...

1501. I must be beaten by a driver who's truly better than me.

1502. So you're gonna lose to me on purpose?

1503. - No. - No?

1504. No!

1505. I will battle you with the entirety of my heart.

1506. And you will probably lose.

1507. But maybe, just maybe...

1508. you might challenge me.

1509. God needs the devil.

1510. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones.

1511. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric.

1512. Will you be my Katie Couric?

1513. I feel like I'm in Highlander.

1514. What's the Highlander?

1515. It's a movie.

1516. - Any good? - Very good.

1517. - It won the Academy Award. - Oh, for what?

1518. For best movie ever made.

1519. I just want you to know I came here today to tell you one thing.

1520. That come race time tomorrow, I'm coming for you, all right?

1521. - May God be with you. - Yeah.

1522. Because although today I am friendly...

1523. tomorrow will be war!

1524. All right.

1525. Ladies and gentlemen, pull up a chair, drop the kids off with their aunt...

1526. and take the phone off the hook because it's race day here...

1527. at the Talladega Superspeedway.

1528. Hey, guys.

1529. - Why so down? - Ricky...

1530. we were up all night working on the car.

1531. And then something happened. There was a fire.

1532. Did you say "fire"?

1533. Glenn is dead, Ricky.

1534. I mean, he died last night in my arms...

1535. as I held him. - Oh, man.

1536. He was so scared, because you know how little he is.

1537. And death was coming for him, and he stood there...

1538. and with a tear coming out his eyes, he said, "Tell Ricky, win for me."

1539. That's all that little bastard wanted, was for you to win.

1540. I wish you could've seen him.

1541. I wish you could've felt his little heart fluttering.

1542. Sweet Jesus.

1543. Poor Glenn.

1544. Hey, what the hell, man. Hey, Glenn. Glenn!

1545. - I see you. - Glenn, what did I say?

1546. - I said, "Wait till after the race." - Was he crying?

1547. I'm sorry, Ricky. We were just trying to give you a little extra motivation.

1548. Well, that is just sick, guys.

1549. It's okay, Susie. I appreciate it, guys.

1550. Just trying to help out...

1551. even though it was weird and perverse.

1552. They're just trying to help, Ricky. We're a team here.

1553. - I appreciate it. - Let's see what's under the hood.

1554. All right, let's have a look.

1555. Hot dog. I mean, that's like looking up Bridgette Wilson-Sampras' skirt.

1556. We were up all night working on it. Like I said, a lot of teams gave parts.

1557. Nice work, guys.

1558. And your sponsors weren't doing very much, so...

1559. well, we repainted the car.

1560. Well, take a look. Come on, guys.

1561. Well, I like the cougar, but what company is "M.E."?

1562. "Me" is you...

1563. because it's just you out there.

1564. We don't have any corporate sponsors.

1565. We don't have any fancy team owners.

1566. We have you...

1567. and this car, and this cougar...

1568. which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome.

1569. It's all there for you.

1570. Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used...

1571. to bring together the Knights of the Round Table...

1572. until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen, in the biblical sense.

1573. Okay, Glenn.

1574. Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it.

1575. Guys, let's go win ourselves a race, all right?

1576. - There you go. Yeah! - Right?

1577. Let's get out there and win a race.

1578. From Provence, France...

1579. driver of the number 55 Perrier car...

1580. Jean Girard.

1581. From West River, North Carolina...

1582. driver of the number 47 Old Spice car...

1583. Cal Naughton Jr.

1584. Hey, Carley.

1585. - Hey, Ricky. - Carley! Hey, baby.

1586. Baby.

1587. Oh, hey, Ricky.

1588. Hey, man. We missed you at the wedding.

1589. - You missed me at the wedding? - Oh, man, it was so classy.

1590. We had a Styx cover band and a nacho fountain.

1591. Check it, it was a nacho fountain with six kinds of cheese on it.

1592. - Liquid cheese? It cascaded down? - Yeah.

1593. - Are you serious? - Amazing. Six different kinds.

1594. Swiss, Havarti. What was the other one?

1595. - Gouda. - Cheddar, Gouda.

1596. That's the greatest thing I ever heard of.

1597. Bean buffet in front of it. It was awesome.

1598. Don't listen to him. And remember one thing, he's the competition.

1599. You're not very focused right now. I need you to focus.

1600. - Hey. - What?

1601. - I'm the Magic Man now. Okay? - Yeah, I know.

1602. So get ready for some tricks up these sleeves, all right?

1603. Watch your buns, pal.

1604. Baby, that is real good talk. Like we practiced last night.

1605. I got something to tell you, you mangy piece of trash.

1606. - What? - I'm sorry.

1607. I took you for granted, Cal, and you were a really good friend to me...

1608. and I never gave you your due. It was my fault.

1609. I'll tell you the truth. I'm a little confused by your tactics.

1610. - Tactics? - Yeah. I'm gonna keep acting tough...

1611. until I figure it out. All right?

1612. See you on the track.

1613. - Come on, baby. - I love you.

1614. I love you too. Come on.

1615. Abracadabra, homes.

1616. Hi, Bill Weber, along with Wally Dallenbach and Benny Parsons.

1617. Thanks for having us. Today, Talladega, NASCAR's biggest track...

1618. where the big concern is the big wreck.

1619. And it's not if it happens, it's where and when.

1620. We have a guy in the race today that'll probably cause it, Ricky Bobby.

1621. Starting in the rear of the field, underfunded...

1622. and the last time we saw him, he caused a big crash.

1623. A lot of big stories and some big questions here at Talladega.

1624. All right, go get them.

1625. You must decide, Ricky Bobby.

1626. Is it foolish pride, or is it greatness for you?

1627. - Hey, Jarvis! - Go ahead, Cal.

1628. If you slept with your best friend's wife...

1629. why would he apologize to you? - Yeah, I know. That's weird.

1630. That's what I'm saying. My head's all tied up like a pretzel.

1631. I got a pretzel in my head.

1632. - Ricky! - Come on, Dad!

1633. I've got some big investors coming by.

1634. These guys are big-money power players.

1635. If things go right, they could have us owning half the cars in NASCAR.

1636. So I want you... No, I want you to behave.

1637. - Oh, really? - Quiet.

1638. Should I not tell them after 14 years of marriage...

1639. you're still afraid to let me see you naked?

1640. That's not a fear thing, it's a trust thing.

1641. Hey! I was wondering where you guys got off to.

1642. Baby, this is Ted Beamen from Halliburton.

1643. - Nice to meet you. - Over here...

1644. is Dick Tangfield from Dynacorp.

1645. - Back there is... - You have beautiful teeth.

1646. Yes, he does. Get yourselves down there.

1647. - Adorable. - Make yourselves at home...

1648. grab something to eat, over here... - Sweetheart, sweetheart.

1649. You're a sweetie pie.

1650. She's very affectionate. She suffered a recent loss...

1651. You taste good too.

1652. - So she's a little emotional.

1653. Okay, that's fine. Go ahead, find a seat. Can we get these guys something?

1654. Jean Girard started from the pole and is out to a big lead.

1655. As you know, Bill, he's been doing that all year.

1656. Where are you, Ricky Bobby? Come face your destroyer!

1657. "Come face your destroyer"? Listen to how I sound.

1658. I sound like a massive prick.

1659. Come on, baby! Yeah, that's it.

1660. All right, Lucius. Time to let the cougar loose.

1661. Here we go, boys.

1662. Ricky Bobby, in the 62 car, on the move.

1663. He's gone from 26th to 18th place.

1664. Now let's go to John Hannafin, in the stands with a country-music legend.

1665. Thank you, Sean. I'm here with one of the greatest country-music stars...

1666. of all time, Kenny Rogers.

1667. - What do you think of the race so far? - It's good. They're going really fast.

1668. John, that's not Kenny Rogers.

1669. In the song "The Gambler," you sang:

1670. "You gotta know when to walk away and know when to run."

1671. Should Ricky Bobby have stayed away from racing?

1672. Mr. Bobby's very competitive. If he wants to race, he should race.

1673. Well, this is John Hannafin with Kenny Rogers. And now back to you, Bill.

1674. Well, that, of course, was not Kenny Rogers.

1675. Not even close.

1676. Ricky, you've got Brian Wavecrest...

1677. the guy that replaced you at Dennit, dead ahead.

1678. Bobby working really hard to pass the Wonder Bread car.

1679. That's his old ride, of course.

1680. We've passed the halfway mark with Ricky Bobby...

1681. now three car lengths behind the leader.

1682. Maybe subconsciously you slept with Ricky's wife...

1683. as a way of getting back at him...

1684. for making you come in second all those years.

1685. I know one thing, Carley was definitely unconscious every time we had sex.

1686. Lucius, I got Cal Naughton dead ahead of me.

1687. Hey, Cal, you should pay attention. I think he's passing you.

1688. Is Ricky passing me in my subconscious?

1689. No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.

1690. Go, Ricky! Go!

1691. Let's go back to our John Hannafin...

1692. who's in the stands with an NBA legend, Larry Bird.

1693. Folks, I'm here with one of the great NBA superstars...

1694. a real legend, Larry Bird.

1695. I almost didn't recognize you with the sunglasses. What are you up to?

1696. Come on, John, pay attention.

1697. I'm concerned. He might have had a stroke.

1698. Didn't Ricky Bobby used to drive for you?

1699. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - He's doing quite well.

1700. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Richard!

1701. Get Cal Naughton's crew chief on the radio right away.

1702. I believe you have some tickets waiting for me. My name's Reese Bobby.

1703. Reese Bobby.

1704. Mister, these tickets have been waiting for you for a long time.

1705. Who needs two? I got tickets!

1706. Tickets, right here, 60 bucks a pop.

1707. All right, Girard, I found you. Now let's see where this goes.

1708. Bobby's gotten around Naughton...

1709. and now he's right behind Girard, but Girard's gonna block the track.

1710. Man, he's scary good.

1711. Ah, Ricky Bobby.

1712. Now we shall dance, and yes, it will be a slow jam.

1713. Damn it. Come on, man.

1714. I was wrong about you, Ricky Bobby.

1715. You are not the one to defeat me.

1716. I can't get around him, man.

1717. You tell Cal Naughton to take Ricky Bobby out.

1718. Hey, Cal, listen. I hate to add to your tremendous moral confusion...

1719. but I just heard from Dennit.

1720. He said to take Ricky Bobby out of the race or you're fired, buddy.

1721. What are you talking about?

1722. Tell him if he doesn't do it, he's done. That's right, he'll be driving a tour bus.

1723. Well, you tell Mr. Dennit that Ricky Bobby is my best friend.

1724. - And it's Shake and Bake time. - Cal, I don't like the way...

1725. you're talking out there. - Damn the torpedoes!

1726. Come on, man, slingshot it. Slingshot, come on.

1727. I can't believe it. If it isn't Mike Honcho himself.

1728. Shake and Bake, buddy!

1729. Shake it before you bake it.

1730. Here I come. Slingshot engaged.

1731. Yeah!

1732. I love you, Cal!

1733. - What are you doing? - Can't believe it. Now I've seen it all.

1734. Cal Naughton from Dennit Racing just helped a rival driver pass a teammate.

1735. Darrell, you tell Brian Wavecrest to take out Cal Naughton right now.

1736. Right now, you do it. You do it!

1737. Yes, sir.

1738. And the 26 car just ran Naughton into the wall.

1739. Oh, man.

1740. Damn you, Wavecrest!

1741. The entire field was in that wreck, and we've only got six laps to go.

1742. Only Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard got away clean.

1743. It's just Jean and Ricky.

1744. And now the matador shall dance with the blind shoemaker.

1745. Race officials have completed an extensive cleanup of the track.

1746. We're ready to get back to racing.

1747. The 200,000 fans are on their feet, and the green flag is in the air.

1748. Bobby and Girard are dueling each other for the lead.

1749. No one seems to have the edge.

1750. Go, go, go! Come on, come on, go!

1751. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final lap.

1752. By the way, Ricky, I watched the Highlander movie.

1753. It was shit.

1754. Hang on, baby Jesus, this is gonna get bumpy.

1755. I've seen a lot of big crashes at Talladega...

1756. but this is the longest one I've ever seen.

1757. Let's take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back.

1758. Hungry for both steak and shrimp?

1759. Welcome back to Talladega, where the long one continues.

1760. No, no! Jean Girard and Ricky Bobby have wrecked in the last lap...

1761. on the straightaway. What a shame.

1762. Oh, God.

1763. It looks like neither Girard or Bobby will finish this race.

1764. We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NAS CAR.

1765. Coming up next, it's Ice Dancing to the Hits of Motown.

1766. Wait a minute, there's something going on on the track down there.

1767. Oh, my God, they're racing each other on foot.

1768. These men will not quit.

1769. Go! Go!

1770. Ricky, Ricky. He's going, he's going, he's going. Look!

1771. He did it!

1772. Well, I'll be damned.

1773. Good for you, Ricky Bobby.

1774. Yeah! Yeah!

1775. Ricky Bobby wins!

1776. You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes.

1777. It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but that was something.

1778. It was. That was really good.

1779. Monsieur Bobby, by defeating me today...

1780. you have set me free.

1781. And for that, I thank you.

1782. I will never shake your hand, ever.

1783. But I will give you this.

1784. Sir, you taste of America.

1785. Thank you.

1786. No, once was good. Once was good.

1787. Boy, that Halliburton. Halliburton's taken off, haven't they?

1788. Yeah, yeah, we're doing well.

1789. Now there's some stock I'd like to get my hands on.

1790. Ladies and gentlemen, NASCAR fans...

1791. your eyes on Talladega's famed Victory Lane...

1792. as we get ready for trophy time here...

1793. following an exciting running of the Talladega 500.

1794. First, a very brief explanation.

1795. Because the drivers that finished first and second got out of their cars...

1796. they have officially been disqualified.

1797. So now the winner, he was third, he's now number one:

1798. Cal Naughton Jr.!

1799. Yeah, come on, guys!

1800. - Give me that thing. - Cal, you're number one!

1801. I've been waiting a long time for you to say my name, man.

1802. I know it's a technicality, but I tell you what...

1803. you try to take this away from me, I'll sock you in the face.

1804. Ricky.

1805. Give me that thing.

1806. I can't believe it. I can't believe it!

1807. - Cal! - Put me down.

1808. I'm proud of you!

1809. Get up here, man. No, you come up here.

1810. You come up here.

1811. - Cal Naughton! Cal Naughton. - Oh, my God.

1812. For this to happen... Am I dead, man?

1813. You won the Talladega 500, all right?

1814. I owe you an apology.

1815. - Come on. - Man, I'm sorry about Carley.

1816. She walked straight up to me and grabbed me in the crotch.

1817. - It's like a tractor beam of hotness. - I know.

1818. Shake and Bake?

1819. No. Never again.

1820. You're right. I was a total dick, man.

1821. From now on...

1822. it's Magic Man...

1823. and El Diablo.

1824. What's "Diablo" mean?

1825. It's like, you know...

1826. It's like Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.

1827. - That's awesome. - I know.

1828. - With the claws. - With the claws and the beak.

1829. Where did you think of that?

1830. You just... Sometimes things click.

1831. - I love you, bro. - I love you too.

1832. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I can't believe it!

1833. Excuse me, guys. Nice job.

1834. Hey, Ricky.

1835. Hey, Carley.

1836. I've decided I can love you again. You're a winner.

1837. - Yeah, I don't think so. - Really?

1838. Are you prepared to walk away from these pearls...

1839. of delight?

1840. Well... Yeah, this is tough. How would it work?

1841. - Would Cal move out? - Yep, gone.

1842. Kids move back in?

1843. - Can I just have a little refresher? - Of course, baby.

1844. This is why you fell in love, don't forget.

1845. Yeah, I'm in. I'm moving in right now.

1846. I'll drive 100 miles an hour to your house.

1847. - Our house. Our house. - Our house, yeah.

1848. No, I'm not. Come on. It's gonna be awkward.

1849. - Hey, baby. - Hey.

1850. Wait a minute.

1851. You are ready to walk away...

1852. from FHM magazine's number seven hottest ass...

1853. for the girl who forgets to get your dry cleaning?

1854. - Yeah. - Yeah?

1855. - Yeah. - Good luck, weirdoes.

1856. - Carley, come back here. - Yes, Susie Q?

1857. There's something I've wanted to tell you for a really long time.

1858. Thank you. Maybe one together?

1859. - Susie Q, are those real? - Yeah.

1860. Well, girl, you got some game.

1861. - We'll see you on down the road. - Yeah.

1862. - You seen Cal? - He's somewhere around here.

1863. Hey, Cal! Baby, I'm coming. Thanks, baby.

1864. - Maybe one more? - Oh, boys.

1865. - She's crazy. - Oh, thank you.

1866. - You did good. - Thanks, Mama.

1867. He's amazing.

1868. That was one heck of a day, I gotta say.

1869. That's some nice driving there, cowboy.

1870. - Hey, Daddy. - Well, hello, Reese.

1871. Well, if it isn't our old mangy, transient grandfather.

1872. Well said, grandson. Take that as a compliment.

1873. Hey, Ricky, let me ask you a question.

1874. Who did you win that race for?

1875. Well, I sure as hell didn't win it for you.

1876. I like hearing that.

1877. I guess if I really gotta think about it...

1878. I just went out there and drove.

1879. And knew that no matter what happened...

1880. my boys, my mama, and my lady would love me.

1881. Hi, I'm his lady, I'm Susan.

1882. I painted the car, I... We had sex.

1883. - Is that right? - Yeah.

1884. Well, I wish I could've been there for that.

1885. Son, I'm proud of you.

1886. Yep. Yeah, I think... I guess things are...

1887. just pretty much perfect right now.

1888. It's making me a little itchy.

1889. Well, what do you say we get thrown out of an Applebee's?

1890. - That sound like a good idea? - You read my mind, son.

1891. - You can cuss at Applebee's. - Everybody pile in.

1892. How does one get thrown out of Applebee's?

1893. - You're about to find out. - Okay.

1894. Watch, the doors actually open.

1895. - Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. - And I'm Cal Naughton Jr.

1896. We just want to take a moment to talk to you about snow blindness in cats.

1897. It's affecting more and more cats every year.

1898. And it scares the living shit out of us.

1899. Ninety-eight percent of us will die at some point in our lives.

1900. The darkness is creeping towards you, whether you know it or not.

1901. A little planning can go a long way.

1902. Listen, leaving your big old corpse behind...

1903. for your loved ones to deal with ain't cool.

1904. That's why you should call McCreedy Funeral Service.

1905. McCreedy's. They'll find the hole and build the box.

1906. Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it.

1907. We like to have a lot of laughs on the racetrack...

1908. but today we wanna talk about something serious:

1909. Packs of stray dogs that control most of the major cities.

1910. That's packs of wild, vicious dogs that are controlling most of...

1911. Sorry.

1912. I like to picture Jesus like a mischievous badger.

1913. Like a muscular trapeze artist.

1914. Like a shapeshifter or a changeling, like that guy.

1915. You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?

1916. I like to think of Jesus as a figure skater...

1917. who wears, like, a white outfit...

1918. and he does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

1919. Like a dirty old bum.

1920. He comes up to me, I'm about to sock him one because he's a dirty old bum.

1921. Then I said, "Wait a minute, I better not sock this guy.

1922. Something special about him."

1923. - Yeah, and it turns out it's Jesus. - Yeah.

1924. One, two... Oh, God.

1925. - Not again! No go. No go! - It's stuck. It's stuck.

1926. We got two knives in my leg.

1927. I know, but one is a safety knife. One is a safety.

1928. It's coming out. It's coming out.

1929. I'm choking on my own spit.

1930. It hurts so bad I'm choking on my own spit.

1931. Good night, guys. I'm losing a lot of blood.

1932. - Just relax, man. - Good night.

1933. Ricky! Wake...

1934. Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers.

1935. You know, I put on the skirt and the four-inch heels, man.

1936. I love it.

1937. Sorry. Sorry.

1938. I would be honored if you would let me sign your cast.

1939. And I would be honored if you'd sign my balls.

1940. - Oh, baby, that is a good one. - Hey, what are you doing?

1941. "Don't touch a one of them. They're mine."

1942. So, what do you think that story was about?

1943. Doesn't the bear symbolize the old South...

1944. and the new dog, the encroaching industrialization of the North?

1945. Duh. But the question is, should the reader feel relief or sadness...

1946. at the passing of the old South?

1947. Well, how about both?

1948. Oh, I get it. Moral ambiguity.

1949. The hallmark of all early 20th-century American fiction.

1950. - Great analysis, Walker. - Thank you.