1. There's a tornado watch
for a portion of West Texas.Copy !req
2. Brian Chadwick is with the county
sheriff's office in Sweetwater.Copy !req
3. We're trying to get the word out to
the community to brace themselves.Copy !req
4. We hope this thing's not gonna
develop into a real funnel...Copy !req
5. but after Saragosa, we're
not taking any chances.Copy !req
6. The National Weather Service says
the storm is moving northeast...Copy !req
7. and with the exception of some rain, it
shouldn't affect the Dallas-Fort Worth area.Copy !req
8. That's news, sports and weather. I'm
Frank Castle for KGAB talk radio news.Copy !req
9. From the heart of
the Lone Star state,Copy !req
10. it's time for Dallas'
most popular talk show,Copy !req
11. Night Talk
with Barry Champlain.Copy !req
12. The KGAB phone lines are open
and ready for your call...Copy !req
13. at 555-TALK.Copy !req
14. And now your host for Night
Talk, Barry Champlain.Copy !req
15. The worst news
of the night is that...Copy !req
16. three of four people say they'd rather
watch TV than have sex with their spouse.Copy !req
17. The second worst news is that some
kids needed money for crack last night,Copy !req
18. so they stuck a knife in the throat
of an 80-year-old grandmother...Copy !req
19. down on Euclid Avenue
right here in Dallas.Copy !req
20. One night
in one American city.Copy !req
21. Multiply that by hundreds of
cities and what have you got?Copy !req
22. A country where culture means
pornography and slasher films,;Copy !req
23. where ethics means payoffs,
graft, insider trading,;Copy !req
24. where integrity means lying,
whoring and intoxication.Copy !req
25. This country is
in deep trouble, people.Copy !req
26. This country is rotten to the core and
somebody better do something about it.Copy !req
27. Take your hand out of that bowl of Fritos,
throw away your National Enquirer,Copy !req
28. and pick up the phone,
hold it up to your face...Copy !req
29. and dial 555-TALK.Copy !req
30. Open your mouth and tell me what we're
gonna do about the mess this country's in.Copy !req
31. "Talk radio", it's the last
neighborhood in town.Copy !req
32. People don't talk
to each other anymore.Copy !req
33. Let's go to
the first caller.Copy !req
34. A lot of problems with the
country today have a lot do...Copy !req
35. with the continued exploitation
of the third world countries.Copy !req
36. Wait. Third world countries? Where'd
you learn that phrase, in college?Copy !req
37. - Do you know what it means?
- You're getting off the track.Copy !req
38. We're not getting off the track,
we're getting on.Copy !req
39. Josh, go back to college. When
you graduate, give me a call.Copy !req
40. A prime example of that
uniquely American institution;Copy !req
41. the concerned
bleeding-heart liberal...Copy !req
42. looking for people with
problems he can call his own.Copy !req
43. - Francine in Oakline.
- I'm a transvestite.Copy !req
44. I'm trying to save money
for an operation...Copy !req
45. What interest do you think your adventures
in surgery hold for my listeners?Copy !req
46. - It's something I have to talk
about. - I don't. Night Talk.Copy !req
47. Let me put you on hold. You slip
some testosterone into Barry's coffee?Copy !req
48. - The guy's possessed tonight.
- He's a little tense.Copy !req
49. Get outta here!Copy !req
50. Sometimes I come home from work and
we have dinner together, you know?Copy !req
51. No, I don't know. You have
dinner at the table with your cat?Copy !req
52. - With a tablecloth and
candles? - No, Barry.Copy !req
53. - Just her own plate on the floor.
- Good.Copy !req
54. But we eat the same things. Like if I
have a pork chop, she has a pork chop.Copy !req
55. If I have a veal,
she has a veal.Copy !req
56. Glenn, take my advice.Copy !req
57. Stop hangin' around with
the pussy. Go find some.Copy !req
58. I'm listening, Michael.
What's up?Copy !req
59. Yeah, I heard your little
advertisement there for the pizza place.Copy !req
60. Yeah, Jericho's Pizza. I love
that pizza. Don't you like it?Copy !req
61. - You sound like you'd love it.
- I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.Copy !req
62. What I wanted to say to you
tonight, Mr. Champlain, was...Copy !req
63. I have an interest in this place,
or at least, some friends of mine...Copy !req
64. Just use one-syllables, Billy,
if it's difficult. Oh, Michael.Copy !req
65. - Hey, smart guy.
- Just use one-syllable...Copy !req
66. Smart guy?
We're being "Smart guy".Copy !req
67. We got somebody with
a little lip on us tonight.Copy !req
68. - Hey.
- Don't call me "Hey. "Copy !req
69. This is not a conversation. This
is a monologue. I talk, you listen.Copy !req
70. - Understand me?
- Oh, yeah, we're listening.Copy !req
71. Yes?
Go ahead.Copy !req
72. I don't want you makin' any more
comments about the pizza joint.Copy !req
73. - Do you have relatives that run the place?
- People gotta make money on this.Copy !req
74. - Uncle Vinnie or someone?
- There are people...Copy !req
75. You know what, Michael?
You're a meatball.Copy !req
76. - Debbie in Highland Park.
- My name is Debbie.Copy !req
77. Hello, Debbie.
How old are you?Copy !req
78. - I'm 23.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
79. - What do you do?
- I don't do anything.Copy !req
80. When was the last time
you did something?Copy !req
81. I don't know.
About a month ago.Copy !req
82. - What'd you do a month ago?
- I went swimmin'!Copy !req
83. Mm-hmm.
What do you do for money?Copy !req
84. I got my brother.
I haven't made any.Copy !req
85. Debbie, you're a leech.Copy !req
86. Don't you think it's time you got
off your duff, started making money?Copy !req
87. Well, not really.
I got everything I want.Copy !req
88. - But, Debbie, what do you need?
- Well...Copy !req
89. - What are you missing that
you need? - A guy. A boyfriend.Copy !req
90. A guy? What do you have
to offer a guy?Copy !req
91. Well...Copy !req
92. I have nice,
shiny long hair...Copy !req
93. A guy could buy
himself a wig.Copy !req
94. You can tell I don't have a wig.
It never falls off.Copy !req
95. You're terrific, darling.
But seriously, Debbie.Copy !req
96. Aren't you shooting for anything more
in life than looking for a free meal?Copy !req
97. Not really.Copy !req
98. You wanna lie around till you
find somebody to take care of you.Copy !req
99. - Yeah.
- You're dynamic, darling.Copy !req
100. Rhonda from Garland on the line.
Rhonda, you're on Night Talk.Copy !req
101. Barry, I want to
express my views...Copy !req
102. - What are you doing, Steve?
- Looking at this Dietz guy.Copy !req
103. up in New York City, givin'
out needles to drug addicts.Copy !req
104. They have to do it to stop
AIDS. Clean needles help.Copy !req
105. It's immoral for the
government of this country...Copy !req
106. tax dollars to be
goin' to addicts.Copy !req
107. But it's all right for our tax
dollars, four billion of them,Copy !req
108. to go into a system
that's a complete joke.Copy !req
109. More drugs than ever are
coming into this country.Copy !req
110. Our courts, our jails
are clogged with cases.Copy !req
111. The other night up in New York City,
crack dealers killed another cop.Copy !req
112. - Any kid who wants a hit
can get one. - That's right.Copy !req
113. When are we gonna
wake up, Rhonda?Copy !req
114. When are we going to admit that drug
prohibition is not working in this country?Copy !req
115. - I think...
- Know what I think?Copy !req
116. I think we should legalize all
drugs, as sinister as that sounds.Copy !req
117. - That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard. - Is it?Copy !req
118. - A junkie could go to a drugstore...
- More stuff, Laura.Copy !req
119. sign his name,
get the stuff for a buck...Copy !req
120. - then he doesn't have to rob or
kill for his habit. - Thanks, Ellen.Copy !req
121. You cannot let children
have drugs.Copy !req
122. - Why not? - Why not?
- They're gonna get it anyway.Copy !req
123. In America today we're talking about
shooting up in the eighth grade.Copy !req
124. We have a moral obligation
to the children.Copy !req
125. Know what the most
dangerous drug is?Copy !req
126. - It's heroin.
- No, it's legal.Copy !req
127. It's tobacco.
It kills 350, 000 people a year.Copy !req
128. You know how much coke, crack,
heroin, pot kill every year?Copy !req
129. - Four thousand people. Will you
listen to sense? - Hello? Let me check.Copy !req
130. Will you listen to logic,
please?Copy !req
131. The only people who benefit
from prohibition...Copy !req
132. are the gangsters
makin' the money on it,Copy !req
133. the politicians condemning
it and gettin' your vote.Copy !req
134. And who foots the bill?
You, Rhonda Q Sucker!Copy !req
135. - I beg your pardon!
- It would end tomorrow.Copy !req
136. The $200 billion drug problem in this
country could disappear overnight.Copy !req
137. Legalize the damn stuff. Do it
today, right after this message.Copy !req
138. I'm Barry Champlain.
This is Night Talk.Copy !req
139. We're gonna go to a message.
I'll be right back after I shoot up.Copy !req
140. Who's the schlub?Copy !req
141. Barry, Dan and I wanted to tell you
before the show we have some good news.Copy !req
142. - Barry? - Dan, I can't talk
right now. I gotta take a leak.Copy !req
143. I'll catch you later,
okay?Copy !req
144. Stu, cool it with the baseball calls
and the transvestites. How's the lines?Copy !req
145. - I got five hanging on already.
- Give me 45.Copy !req
146. - You got it. Barry, - I'd like
you to meet Chuck Dietz,Copy !req
147. V.P. in charge of advertising,
Metro Wave, Chicago.Copy !req
148. - Really? Very nice to meet you.
- It's my pleasure.Copy !req
149. I've been reading all
your press clippings...Copy !req
150. and listening to tapes
of your shows for weeks.Copy !req
151. - And?
- And you're really something.Copy !req
152. - You're very funny.
- I try to amuse.Copy !req
153. - I'm in the middle of a show. I've
gotta move it along. - Genius at work.Copy !req
154. Metro Wave's picking up the show starting
Monday, linking it to a national feed.Copy !req
155. Some people at Humphrey's Coffee
want to sponsor the show nationally.Copy !req
156. We're at cold; 30, Bar.Copy !req
157. Wait a minute. The show's going
national starting Monday night?Copy !req
158. When did this happen?Copy !req
159. - Don't I get a say in this?
You know about this? - Yeah.Copy !req
160. - Dan... - We didn't know anything
about it until tonight.Copy !req
161. No sense getting you all
excited until it panned out.Copy !req
162. Chuck is here to be the eyes and
ears of Metro Wave, so to speak.Copy !req
163. - So to speak.
- Fifteen, Bar.Copy !req
164. Why don't you go ahead.
We can talk later.Copy !req
165. We got a hot show. We're talking
Larry King here, coast to coast.Copy !req
166. It's always a hot show,
Dan. Stu, find me a catheter.Copy !req
167. - Extra hot. We'll get a
contract for six months. - Jawohl.Copy !req
168. You're listening
to the best talk in Texas.Copy !req
169. Barry Champlain on KGAB.
You know about this?Copy !req
170. Yeah. Chill, will you, Barry?
The bucks don't suck. Stand by.Copy !req
171. - 555-TALK.
- Yo.Copy !req
172. Metro Wave Broadcasting is
a giant media corporation...Copy !req
173. specializing
in broadcast radio.Copy !req
174. It has 357
affiliate stations...Copy !req
175. in the United States
and Canada.Copy !req
176. Two minutes ago
I received a phone call...Copy !req
177. from the man who controls
those 357 stations...Copy !req
178. the president of
Metro Wave Broadcasting.Copy !req
179. He asked me if Metro Wave
could pick up this show,Copy !req
180. pick up Barry Champlain for national
syndication, beginning Monday night.Copy !req
181. I've had
these offers before,Copy !req
182. and I've been asked in the past
if I could ever soften my touch,Copy !req
183. go a little easier, and my
answer has always been the same;Copy !req
184. Take it or leave it.Copy !req
185. He took it.Copy !req
186. And so,
beginning Monday night,Copy !req
187. this show, Night Talk,
begins national broadcasting.Copy !req
188. That means the nation
is listening.Copy !req
189. You better have something
to say. I know I do.Copy !req
190. And we have Chet from Mesquite
on the line.Copy !req
191. Hello, Chet.
Hello?Copy !req
192. - You think you're so smart.
- Hello?Copy !req
193. Why are you always talkin'
about the drugs and niggers...Copy !req
194. and homos and Jews?Copy !req
195. - Isn't there anything else to talk about?
- You know what I hate?Copy !req
196. I hate people who tell me what
they don't wanna talk about.Copy !req
197. You don't wanna talk about blacks
and gays, why'd you bring them up?Copy !req
198. Sounds like you like
talking about them.Copy !req
199. Tell me what you wanna talk
about, or get off the phone.Copy !req
200. - Why don't you start telling the truth?
- About what?Copy !req
201. You know. People behind your
show, people who pay the bills.Copy !req
202. - Talking about the sponsors now.
- Don't you act dumb with me.Copy !req
203. What kind of a name
is Champlain?Copy !req
204. - I want you to cancel my plane
reservations for tonight. - You changed it?Copy !req
205. - I'm gonna come in tomorrow.
- Maybe because it sounded too Jewish.Copy !req
206. Call Freddie.
Tell him to call me tomorrow.Copy !req
207. - Change the name, get a nose job,
same old story. - Chet, come on!Copy !req
208. - He started out a bit shaky.
- Your attitude reminds me of a story.Copy !req
209. Last summer
I visited Germany.Copy !req
210. Wanted to take a look
at Hitler's homeland.Copy !req
211. Are you familiar
with Adolf Hitler, Chet?Copy !req
212. I'm familiar
with Adolf Hitler.Copy !req
213. I bet you are.Copy !req
214. I decided to visit the remains
of a concentration campCopy !req
215. on the outskirts of Munich:
Dachau.Copy !req
216. You join a tour group, go out by bus,
get out at the gate. It's chilling.Copy !req
217. A sign over the gate says,
"Arbeit Macht Frei. "Copy !req
218. It means, "Work will make you free",
something the Nazis told their prisoners.Copy !req
219. - You still listening to me, Chet?
- I'm counting your lies.Copy !req
220. Good. I wanna make sure
you're hearing them.Copy !req
221. I'm walking around this concentration
camp, and I see something on the ground.Copy !req
222. I picked it up.
Guess what I found, Chet?Copy !req
223. A tiny Star of David.
Very old.Copy !req
224. Who knows? It might've belonged to
one of the prisoners at the camp.Copy !req
225. Maybe a small boy
torn from his parents...Copy !req
226. as they were dragged off
to the slaughterhouse.Copy !req
227. I kept that Star of David.Copy !req
228. I know I shouldn't have, but I did.
I keep it right here on my console.Copy !req
229. I like to hold it
sometimes.Copy !req
230. In fact, well...
I'm holding it right now.Copy !req
231. I like to hold it in my hand
to give me courage.Copy !req
232. Maybe some of the courage that small
boy had as he faced unspeakable evil...Copy !req
233. can enter me as I face
the trials in my own life...Copy !req
234. as I face the cowardly
and the narrow-minded.Copy !req
235. The bitter, bigoted people who
hide behind anonymous phone calls...Copy !req
236. full of hatred
and poisonous bile.Copy !req
237. The gutless,
spineless people...Copy !req
238. like you, Chet,
who make me puke!Copy !req
239. Keep talkin', Jewboy.
Life is short.Copy !req
240. Stu, let's send
a microwave oven out to Chet.Copy !req
241. And we have Kent on the line.
Yeah, Kent?Copy !req
242. - I need help.
- Shoot.Copy !req
243. I like to party
with my girlfriend.Copy !req
244. - How old are you?
- Nineteen.Copy !req
245. - How old's your girlfriend?
- Seventeen.Copy !req
246. - Okay, go ahead.
- So we like to party, you know?Copy !req
247. - When you're partying, where are
your parents? - On a vacation.Copy !req
248. He's so excited about it.
Look at him.Copy !req
249. I think it's Fiji.
Is that right?Copy !req
250. - Is there a place called Fiji? - Excuse me.
I'm gonna take care of some stuff.Copy !req
251. Your parents are on vacation in a
place called Fiji, and you're partying.Copy !req
252. Yeah, that's what I wanted
to ask you about, Bar.Copy !req
253. - See, we've been partying
for a couple of days. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
254. Smokin' coke, crack.Copy !req
255. Free-base.Copy !req
256. Sounds pretty sordid, Kent. You've
been smoking crack with your girlfriend.Copy !req
257. - What else you been up to?
- Drinkin'.Copy !req
258. - Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.Copy !req
259. I drank a bottle of 100-proof whiskey
yesterday 'cause I was gettin' paranoid.Copy !req
260. Jill was doin' some acid
with some Valium.Copy !req
261. It was...Copy !req
262. Kent, you need to call a doctor,
have your stomach pumped.Copy !req
263. - Let me give you a number to call.
- That's why I'm callin' you.Copy !req
264. - Why?
- It's Jill.Copy !req
265. - She's been sleepin' a long time...
- No, no, no.Copy !req
266. She's been sleepin'
and she won't wake up.Copy !req
267. Don't waste my time with this baloney.
When you get outta detox, give me a call.Copy !req
268. - She's turnin' blue.
- She's turning blue?Copy !req
269. Great. Just give Stu your address
and we'll send an ambulance there now.Copy !req
270. Give Stu your address, we'll
send an ambulance in two minutes.Copy !req
271. - I can't! I can't! - I'm gonna
get your address. Kent, hello?Copy !req
272. Hello?Copy !req
273. I'm really glad people like Kent
are out there and I'm inside here.Copy !req
274. We're gonna go to
a little commercial break now.Copy !req
275. Whoo-whee! Jericho's Pizza, down
Route 111 at the Jericho Turnpike.Copy !req
276. They got pizza you'll never forget. One
slice, you don't have to eat for a week.Copy !req
277. I saw a guy in there combing his hair with
his stuff off the plate. Jericho's Pizza.Copy !req
278. We have the news and weather coming up,
then we'll be back with more Night Talk.Copy !req
279. - Here's your mail.
- You read it.Copy !req
280. What's the problem tonight?
Fight with the old lady?Copy !req
281. - No, there's no problems.
- Throwing me some real curve balls.Copy !req
282. - What's wrong with curve balls, Bar?
- Some call.Copy !req
283. - It's a hoax.
- How can you be sure?Copy !req
284. A hoax. Stu, who's this Henry?
You didn't give me this.Copy !req
285. Who's Denise from Fort Worth?
I didn't get that.Copy !req
286. - Maybe Laura should take the calls.
- These people were stiffs.Copy !req
287. - You want stiffs,
I'll give you stiffs. - No, Stu.Copy !req
288. I don't want stiffs. Am I
speaking English? Read my lips.Copy !req
289. Keep the show moving,
give me stuff I can work with.Copy !req
290. - You having trouble understanding me?
- No, I'm not having trouble.Copy !req
291. As a matter of fact,
I read you loud and clear.Copy !req
292. Good!Copy !req
293. Barry?Copy !req
294. Barry.Copy !req
295. Honey, just relax.
Everything's under control.Copy !req
296. It's my ass on the line,
not yours.Copy !req
297. All you have to do
is just be nice.Copy !req
298. Okay?
Just for tonight.Copy !req
299. You be nice, Laura.
It's what you're good at.Copy !req
300. You're not gonna lose
even with a 15...Copy !req
301. Jerry, I'm gonna put you on hold.
Something wrong, Barry?Copy !req
302. I can't work with him breathing
down my neck. I want him out now!Copy !req
303. I have your contract right here. Why
don't you take it and look it over.Copy !req
304. You dump it on me the Friday
before it's gonna happen.Copy !req
305. You stick some putz
in the middle of my studio.Copy !req
306. I feel like I'm auditioning
for my own job!Copy !req
307. - Barry, calm down.
- You don't care.Copy !req
308. Just stick me out there,
see how it goes.Copy !req
309. Doesn't work out, flush Barry
down the toilet, right?Copy !req
310. You're not gonna get me to apologize
for getting you a slot on national radio.Copy !req
311. I worked very hard on this deal,
and I'm happy with it.Copy !req
312. If you're not,
we tear up the contract,Copy !req
313. we don't do
the Metro Wave hookup.Copy !req
314. Big mistake, guy. I think it's worth the
gamble because I think the show is good.Copy !req
315. Barry, you are good. And it will blow
them away everywhere it's heard.Copy !req
316. Dietz goes with the deal.
Grin and bear it.Copy !req
317. You do your job,
I'll do mine.Copy !req
318. Did you run Sani Clean
before the news?Copy !req
319. - Yes, I did.
- You up with your log?Copy !req
320. - There's a Harry's, a Firestone, a logo.
- They're all on track.Copy !req
321. Good. Don't let it get to you.
It's been a strange night.Copy !req
322. There's nothing strange about it.
How long you been working here?Copy !req
323. - Four months. - How long you
been sleeping with him?Copy !req
324. - Listen, Ellen.
- I was gonna cheer you up.Copy !req
325. Metro Wave, the network, is picking
up the show. We're going national.Copy !req
326. - Oh, my God. In Chicago too?
- Yeah, in Chicago too.Copy !req
327. - It's not that simple exactly...
- You must be so excited!Copy !req
328. Yeah, of course
I'm excited.Copy !req
329. We got this character here from
the company keeping an eye on me.Copy !req
330. - I'll be right off the phone. - Ellen,
will you tell him you're talking to me?Copy !req
331. I like this stuff. Nights like
tonight are what it's all about.Copy !req
332. You either get used to it or you get lost.
That's what his wife did, left him.Copy !req
333. So did the two producers who were here
before you. But big Stu stayed, didn't he?Copy !req
334. - I don't have to take his shit. I'm not
his wife. - You're not, but I am.Copy !req
335. This is not the best time
forme to talk.Copy !req
336. Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry I'm calling so late.Copy !req
337. - It's just that... this is
important. - Barry, 20!Copy !req
338. I need your help with something.
I never ask you for anything and...Copy !req
339. Barry...Copy !req
340. Can you come to Dallas
over the weekend, till Tuesday?Copy !req
341. - What? - I just need someone
here I can trust. It's...Copy !req
342. - It's important.
- Damn it! Come on!Copy !req
343. - I don't think he's gonna let me.
- Forget it.Copy !req
344. Forget it.
Don't come.Copy !req
345. He answered,
"The night he didn't come home. "Copy !req
346. - No, that happened all the time.
- Ellen?Copy !req
347. I'm thinking, okay?Copy !req
348. Five, Bar.Copy !req
349. - alright. Sunday? You pick me
up at the airport. - Strap in, Bar.Copy !req
350. - Yeah, I'll be there.
- Here we go.Copy !req
351. - Look, I gotta go. Bye. - You're
listening to the best talk in Texas.Copy !req
352. The phone lines are open, and
your calls are invited now...Copy !req
353. at 555-TALK.Copy !req
354. Bob, what a relief.
How you doing tonight?Copy !req
355. Terrific.
Very well, thank you.Copy !req
356. I hope you're not gonna get
too busy to take my calls.Copy !req
357. No show is complete without
your call. How are the legs?Copy !req
358. They're fine, an ache or two.
But you know what I say?Copy !req
359. When they give you lemons,
make lemonade.Copy !req
360. - You can't cry over spilled milk.
- Cry, and you cry alone.Copy !req
361. You can't lose
what you never had.Copy !req
362. Because you don't know
what you got until you lost it.Copy !req
363. So don't lose hope.
This too shall pass.Copy !req
364. Because today is the first day
of the rest of your life.Copy !req
365. Yeah, and it's always darkest
before dawn. Bob, could I just...Copy !req
366. People think that life in a wheelchair
must be the worst thing in the world.Copy !req
367. That's not the way
I look at it.Copy !req
368. I imagine the worst thing
in the world would be...Copy !req
369. bein' unthankful for all the good
things that come our way everyday.Copy !req
370. The smiles on little children,
flowers bloomin',Copy !req
371. little birds chirpin', sittin' on the
buddin' branches on a bright spring day.Copy !req
372. Why, hell, just the sun comin'
up every day is a miracle.Copy !req
373. I couldn't agree with you more,
especially that part about the sun.Copy !req
374. We get bogged down in our daily troubles
and we forget about the simple things.Copy !req
375. Oh, I forgot one more thing
to be thankful for.Copy !req
376. - What's that?
- The Barry Champlain show.Copy !req
377. Thank you, Bob.
Listen, we gotta run.Copy !req
378. - Know you can't, but we can.
So God bless you. - One more thing.Copy !req
379. - Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
- A bird in the hand...Copy !req
380. - Good night. And we have...
- Debbie, you still there?Copy !req
381. - Turn your radio down. Stop crying.
- Well, I'm black.Copy !req
382. Good for you.
What do you want? A medal?Copy !req
383. Well, no, I don't. Don't play
with me like them other people.Copy !req
384. I want you to know...Copy !req
385. that I enjoy listening to your show,
and I want to say, I like you Jews.Copy !req
386. Well, I like you blacks.
I think everyone should own one.Copy !req
387. What I mean to say is,Copy !req
388. - Uh-huh. - I have many
friends who are Jewish.Copy !req
389. - Really? How many?
- Well, three or four.Copy !req
390. - I wouldn't call that "many. "
- They're very nice people.Copy !req
391. They're educated and
they're good in business.Copy !req
392. John, I don't know how to break this to you,
but you'll never get in the B'nai B'rith.Copy !req
393. You're black. Don't you know
how Jews feel about blacks?Copy !req
394. They hate you! They see you schwartzes on
the street, they cross to the other side.Copy !req
395. You know those slums in south Dallas
where the rats eat babies for breakfast?Copy !req
396. Jews own those slums! What do you mean,
I love Jews? Are you some kind of Uncle Tom?Copy !req
397. What the hell you know about
Uncle Tom? I think brotherhood...Copy !req
398. I don't care what you think!
No one does!Copy !req
399. You wanna know why? Because you're
trying to kiss the master's butt.Copy !req
400. What? You call me up, try to get
deep on how much you love Jews.Copy !req
401. You're lying. You hate them.
You hate me!Copy !req
402. - I don't kiss nobody's butt!
- Sure you do! You kiss my butt.Copy !req
403. You're kissing my butt right now.
If you weren't, you'd hang up on me.Copy !req
404. - I don't wanna hang up on you!
- Then I'll do you the favor.Copy !req
405. Night Talk.
Debbie, you're on.Copy !req
406. - Barry?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
407. This is Debbie again.Copy !req
408. Oh, Debbie.
Right.Copy !req
409. She of the long hair,
my zombie queen, my fantasy.Copy !req
410. - How are you, my belle?
- Bad.Copy !req
411. I've been thinkin' about
what you said.Copy !req
412. - I wanna ask you somethin'.
- Yeah?Copy !req
413. - What's wrong with me?
- What?Copy !req
414. Chet's back. You've had Debbie on twice.
I don't think you should take the call.Copy !req
415. - Barry? - I can handle it.
Just shoot it to me.Copy !req
416. - This is too important. - I'm not gonna
jump through hoops tonight justCopy !req
417. because of this...
Please, tell him to put it on.Copy !req
418. Yeah, Debbie, look,
you should see the shape I'm in.Copy !req
419. I mean, nothing a good plastic surgeon
or a glass of cyanide wouldn't fix.Copy !req
420. I mean, you're young. You got
your whole life ahead of you.Copy !req
421. Why don't I go anywhere?Copy !req
422. Well, you gotta
stand up first.Copy !req
423. I mean, every journey
begins with a single step.Copy !req
424. You gotta go for it,
pumpkin.Copy !req
425. Me and Linda used to go out,
but she moved to Houston.Copy !req
426. Yeah... Heh!
Listen, Debbie, Debbie.Copy !req
427. - You got two arms
and two legs? - Yeah.Copy !req
428. - Are you blind?
- No.Copy !req
429. - You got a belly button?
- Yeah.Copy !req
430. - Two belly buttons?
- No, I got one.Copy !req
431. Are you sure?
Have you looked lately?Copy !req
432. - Yeah. I got one.
- You're gonna be fine.Copy !req
433. You're gonna be just fine.Copy !req
434. And we have... Chet from
Mesquite on the line. Chet?Copy !req
435. So now everyone in the country
can hear your big mouth flap.Copy !req
436. Chet, so nice to
hear from you again.Copy !req
437. Shouldn't you be out burning
crosses or molesting children?Copy !req
438. - I'd rather be talking to you.
- How about training pit bulls?Copy !req
439. Think you're so smart.Copy !req
440. You get the package
I sent down to the station?Copy !req
441. Package?Copy !req
442. - You got it, I know you did.
- You sent me a present?Copy !req
443. I couldn't decide whether
to use a timer or not.Copy !req
444. You'll have to find that out
when you open it.Copy !req
445. You're telling me you sent
me a bomb in the mail?Copy !req
446. Wrapped in brown paper. I know
you're lookin' at it right now.Copy !req
447. You just take some C-4,Copy !req
448. roll it in a pile of nuts and bolts
and pebbles, and it does the job.Copy !req
449. Sounds interesting, Chet.
I didn't receive your package.Copy !req
450. - Sure you sent it to the
right address? - You got it.Copy !req
451. If I were you, I'd have my pretty
assistant give the police a call.Copy !req
452. Take the bomb squad
ten minutes to get there.Copy !req
453. Why should I call
the bomb squad, Chet?Copy !req
454. Because some pinheaded redneck moron
tells me there's a bomb in my mail?Copy !req
455. He who laughs last...Copy !req
456. Shut up!Copy !req
457. Night Talk.
Denise, you're on.Copy !req
458. - I'm scared, Barry.
- What are you scared of, babe?Copy !req
459. Nothin' specifically,
but on the other hand...Copy !req
460. it's like everywhere I go...Copy !req
461. Mm-hmm.
Yeah?Copy !req
462. Barry, you know,
we've got...Copy !req
463. - a garbage disposal in our
kitchen sink. - Yeah, it's fine.Copy !req
464. Tell Dan my mail
is my business.Copy !req
465. - This is not funny. - You tell
Dan my mail is my business.Copy !req
466. You know how that feels when you have
to reach down there into that gook...Copy !req
467. and put your hand around?Copy !req
468. Who knows what
could be down there?Copy !req
469. Dan, I hope you're not calling the cops.
If you are, I'm gonna get really pissed off.Copy !req
470. Get off the phone
or I walk.Copy !req
471. - There's germs you can't even see.
- Don't waste my time, man.Copy !req
472. - Hang it or I walk!
- They grow there.Copy !req
473. - Hang it up!
- They come back up the pipes.Copy !req
474. Salmonella, yeast, cancer, even
the common cold. Who knows?Copy !req
475. But, Barry, even without
all of that, what if...Copy !req
476. and I'm just sayin'
what if...Copy !req
477. what if that disposal came on
while your hand was down there?Copy !req
478. - And it goes around and around...
- Denise, tell me something.Copy !req
479. You're telling me that you're afraid of the
garbage disposal in your mother's kitchen?Copy !req
480. Well, it's not just
the garbage disposal.Copy !req
481. I like things
to be clean, Barry.Copy !req
482. How often does
this happen?Copy !req
483. Couple times since
I've been here.Copy !req
484. Like the houses on our street. Used
to be we knew who lived on our street.Copy !req
485. But that was years ago. Now all
different kinds of people live here...Copy !req
486. foreigners,
people with accents.Copy !req
487. - Are they sanitary?
- Why don't you ask one of them?Copy !req
488. That would be a nice idea to
just go to somebody's house...Copy !req
489. and knock on their door,Copy !req
490. but what if a serial murderer
lived there?Copy !req
491. What if Ted Bundy
lived there?Copy !req
492. What if he was sittin' inside watchin'
television, and I came to the door?Copy !req
493. "Why, you just come right on
in here, Denise, " he'd say.Copy !req
494. That's why I don't go to
strange people's houses anymore.Copy !req
495. I keep the doors locked at all times,
but that's not gonna solve anything.Copy !req
496. You're not gonna stop a plane from
crashin' onto your house, are you?Copy !req
497. - No. - The mailman brings
me unsolicited mail.Copy !req
498. The postage stamp could've been
licked by somebody with AIDS.Copy !req
499. My mother's a threat to my life
just by persistin' to go out there.Copy !req
500. - Out where? Where does
your mother go? - Barry...Copy !req
501. Barry, did you know there's this
terrible dust storm in California?Copy !req
502. It has these fungus spores
in it, and these spores...Copy !req
503. get into people's lungs
and their bloodstream...Copy !req
504. and it grows,
and then it kills them.Copy !req
505. Strange air.
Strange air, Barry.Copy !req
506. Oh, I hear my mother's key
in the door.Copy !req
507. Strange air.
Well, uh...Copy !req
508. That about wraps up another thrilling
episode with the man you love to love.Copy !req
509. Gotta go home now,
take care of the goldfish.Copy !req
510. Stay tuned, 'cause Monday's when
Night Talk begins national syndication,Copy !req
511. allowing the good folks of Dallas
to have verbal intercourse...Copy !req
512. with the rest of the U.S.A.Copy !req
513. But don't go away yet.Copy !req
514. If you've got any psychological
problems or you're just plain suicidal,Copy !req
515. Dr. Sheila Fleming is here, and she'll
be glad to give you some dubious advice.Copy !req
516. Or if you're just a level headed, happy,
normal person, you can turn the radio off.Copy !req
517. Until Monday, this is Barry
Champlain reminding you that...Copy !req
518. sticks and stones can break your bones,
but words cause permanent damage.Copy !req
519. It's time to strap him up and wheel
him away for his weekend therapy.Copy !req
520. But Barry Champlain will be back
with more Night Talk Monday...Copy !req
521. on KGAB, Dallas.Copy !req
522. Barry, my man.
What's happenin'?Copy !req
523. The coach is here. You're gonna say
a few words and then give him the cup,Copy !req
524. - and then he's gonna talk.
- Yeah.Copy !req
525. Now, you're gonna be
introduced by Mel in the booth.Copy !req
526. Got it.
You hear the show last night?Copy !req
527. A great show.
Great show.Copy !req
528. Listen, I never got that autographed
picture that you promised...Copy !req
529. so I can hang it
in my restaurant.Copy !req
530. - You were supposed to send it over
three weeks ago. - It slipped my mind.Copy !req
531. Slipped your mind? What mind? What
could be more important than that Dino?Copy !req
532. - I'll send it over first thing tomorrow.
- Don't go to any trouble.Copy !req
533. - No trouble.
- Where is he?Copy !req
534. There he is.Copy !req
535. Stick around. You are the
greatest, Barry! All right.Copy !req
536. - See you.
- See you later.Copy !req
537. - He's a great guy, huh?
- Of course he is.Copy !req
538. - He thinks you're God.
- What bit you in the ass?Copy !req
539. You're pissed' cause I tell you to get
a picture for the guy, which is your job.Copy !req
540. I'm pissed because you haven't
said two words to me all weekCopy !req
541. - except to boss me around.
- We work together.Copy !req
542. That's the deal.
I'm the boss. I boss you around.Copy !req
543. - It's more than that. It's like you're
always angry with me. - Excuse me.Copy !req
544. - You're Barry Champlain,
aren't you? - Yeah.Copy !req
545. - Can I have an autograph?
- Sure thing. - Thanks.Copy !req
546. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
547. - Here you go.
- Thanks a lot.Copy !req
548. I love your show.Copy !req
549. Okay, see you later.Copy !req
550. Back in the cage.Copy !req
551. I used to listen to your show
when I was in high school.Copy !req
552. - I'm supposed to be doing my
homework, and... - Barry?Copy !req
553. - You wanna make it out to
Joe Bob, please? - Sure.Copy !req
554. You should have called. I would
have come and tucked you in.Copy !req
555. Thanks, Barry.
God bless.Copy !req
556. God bless you,
Joe Bob.Copy !req
557. The show going national is
important. Let's work together.Copy !req
558. Just be a little more careful
around this guy Dietz.Copy !req
559. This is a big thing,
Barry.Copy !req
560. - Right. - I'm not greasing
my way up a pole.Copy !req
561. - I resent it that when I talk to
you like your producer... - All right.Copy !req
562. you treat me
like a girlfriend,Copy !req
563. and when I talk to you like your
girlfriend, you treat me like your wife.Copy !req
564. I'm not following the drift
of this conversation.Copy !req
565. We work together, we
sleep together. That's it.Copy !req
566. I didn't know when we started seeing each
other I was enrolling in a self-help course.Copy !req
567. If I'm angry,
that's who I am.Copy !req
568. For better or for worse, that's
what got me where I am today.Copy !req
569. If you think it's tough on the outside,
just be thankful you weren't born me.Copy !req
570. I've gotta be out of my mind
picking a fight with you.Copy !req
571. You a little moody today?
Is that the problem?Copy !req
572. Excuse me. Are you
Mr. Barry Champlain?Copy !req
573. Uh, maybe.Copy !req
574. - Could I have your autograph?
- Sure, sure.Copy !req
575. You do a great job
on the show.Copy !req
576. - I couldn't do it without you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
577. I listen to your show
all the time.Copy !req
578. I think you're a sick,
foul-mouthed, disgusting man,Copy !req
579. and you make people really
nauseous 365 days a year.Copy !req
580. It just goes to show what masochists
people are, they listen 365 days a year.Copy !req
581. I don't know why they
leave your show on the air.Copy !req
582. Everybody I know hates it. It
makes me wanna throw my radio out.Copy !req
583. If you don't like the show,
why do you listen?Copy !req
584. 'Cause I'm waitin' for a better
program that's on later.Copy !req
585. Waiting for another program? There
are 30 other shows on in Dallas.Copy !req
586. You listen to my show
every night. Makes sense.Copy !req
587. I feel real sorry for you, and I think
you should be ashamed of yourself.Copy !req
588. - You're such a pathetic nerd.
- I should be ashamed?Copy !req
589. At least I don't show up in public, half in
the bag, making an utter jerk out of myself.Copy !req
590. You have no credibility. You
like what I do. You need me.Copy !req
591. But you have no sense of humor, which
is why you can never enjoy the show,Copy !req
592. which is why you're a loser, like
all people who have no sense of humor.Copy !req
593. And you are categorically
one of them. Good-bye.Copy !req
594. - Furthermore... - Lady, what
the hell is the matter with you?Copy !req
595. - What'd you do? - What
happened to your suit? Jesus.Copy !req
596. All right,
you're gonna be fine.Copy !req
597. Come on.
Let's go.Copy !req
598. All of us are here for something very
important and exciting at S.M.U.,Copy !req
599. and I think you know
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
600. Who's ready for a new beginning?
How about Mustang football this fall?Copy !req
601. That's what I thought.Copy !req
602. Now... Now, to introduce the new man
in charge of football here at S.M.U.,Copy !req
603. our own KGAB radio personality,
the man you love to love...Copy !req
604. ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Barry Champlain!Copy !req
605. Thank you. On my way
over here tonight, I...Copy !req
606. I was finding out that...Copy !req
607. They love me.
They really love me.Copy !req
608. Ladies and gentlemen,
let's calm down.Copy !req
609. A different kind of welcome
than I've ever experienced.Copy !req
610. Barry?Copy !req
611. Barry!Copy !req
612. Barry.Copy !req
613. - Hello? - Laura, it's Dan.
Is Barry there?Copy !req
614. Hang on a second.Copy !req
615. - It's Dan.
- Hmm?Copy !req
616. Did I wake you up?
I'm sorry.Copy !req
617. No, I always get up ten hours
before I have to go to work.Copy !req
618. It's Sunday, your day off
from self-loathing.Copy !req
619. You said you didn't want Dietz breathing
down your neck, so we had a drink.Copy !req
620. He's a sharp guy. Loves you, loves the show.
You should sit down with him, have a chat.Copy !req
621. Is he gonna give
you orders now?Copy !req
622. I figured you'd look at it that way,
so I set up a meeting for Sunday brunch.Copy !req
623. - What? - He's got some
great ideas, Bar.Copy !req
624. The guy wouldn't know an idea
if it crawled on his kneecap.Copy !req
625. Just hold your horses
for one minute.Copy !req
626. Chuck and I decided before we hit national
air we should establish a few ground rules.Copy !req
627. Ground rules? What is this, Dan?
A radio station or an airport?Copy !req
628. - Will you shut the fuck up and listen?
- No, I won't listen to you.Copy !req
629. I knew that when that corporate cannibal
came into my studio I was in trouble.Copy !req
630. What difference does it make
to you? It's just a show, right?Copy !req
631. - Are you saying I don't care? Nobody cares
more than I do. - I don't wanna hear it.Copy !req
632. I'm gonna come in tomorrow night, I'm
gonna do the same show I do every night.Copy !req
633. - And blow the deal.
- If it means that, yes.Copy !req
634. I do my show, or I don't
do a show. Good-bye.Copy !req
635. You f...Copy !req
636. I gotta take a piss.Copy !req
637. - Hello?
- Is Barry there?Copy !req
638. - Who's calling, please? - Look, I'm
in a rush. Could you just get Barry?Copy !req
639. Barry, phone again!
It's a woman!Copy !req
640. - Get her number. I'll call her back.
- He'll call you back.Copy !req
641. It's a pay phone. I can't
call you back. Who is this?Copy !req
642. - Look, just tell Barry
it's his ex-wife. - Huh!Copy !req
643. It's a pay phone. She can't you
call back. It's your ex-wife.Copy !req
644. Shit.Copy !req
645. - Give me that. Ellen, hi.
- I'm down at the airport. Remember?Copy !req
646. - What airport? - Dallas. What
do you think? It's Sunday.Copy !req
647. - You told me to be here.
- Uh, well, great.Copy !req
648. Are you too busy,
or are you coming to get me?Copy !req
649. Yeah. No, I'm not busy.
I'm just doing some work here.Copy !req
650. Who answered the phone?
I thought you said you were alone.Copy !req
651. It's just my secretary. Look,
Ellen, what airline are you on?Copy !req
652. American Airlines.
Maybe I should just leave.Copy !req
653. No, you stay there.
I'll see you in 20 minutes, okay?Copy !req
654. - You better be here.
- Yeah, I'll see you in 20 minutes.Copy !req
655. - Are you alright? - I'm fine.
I'll see you in 20 minutes.Copy !req
656. Okay. See ya.
Bye.Copy !req
657. I gotta get her now.Copy !req
658. Where are my shoes?Copy !req
659. What?
Don't give me that look.Copy !req
660. Hey.Copy !req
661. Hey, come here. She wants to
be here for the national show.Copy !req
662. What am I supposed to do?
Say no? Huh?Copy !req
663. What did Dan want?Copy !req
664. Wants me to come in
and kiss Dietz's ass.Copy !req
665. I told him to kiss
my microphone.Copy !req
666. Look, uh...Copy !req
667. Can you clean up around here
a bit before you go? Huh?Copy !req
668. Where's my shoes?Copy !req
669. I'll call you later,
okay?Copy !req
670. - You look nice.
- Thanks.Copy !req
671. - You look great.
- You look good too.Copy !req
672. - Except for my wrinkled clothes.
- Except for... I miss you, so what?Copy !req
673. - So what have you been doing? - I hate when
you call me in the middle of the night.Copy !req
674. Lou is so pissed off at me,
I had a fight.Copy !req
675. - I had a fight at the end of this
with Lou. - You're too good for Lou.Copy !req
676. Don't start, Barry.
Barry, don't start.Copy !req
677. - You been going to a health club?
- You're such a jerk.Copy !req
678. - Excuse me? - You been going to
a health club or something?Copy !req
679. - Why?
- You look dynamite.Copy !req
680. I left you. I look
dynamite 'cause I left you.Copy !req
681. Jesus. I spend time,
a little, on my own self.Copy !req
682. I'm working too. I'm not
at someone's beck and call.Copy !req
683. Ellen this, Ellen that.
I want this, I want that.Copy !req
684. I may not have
worked for you...Copy !req
685. You just have to bring him food.
Is that basically it?Copy !req
686. - Don't you start. - "Bring me
another plate of spaghetti. "Copy !req
687. You're such
a troublemaker.Copy !req
688. Why doesn't he go to the health
club? Probably can't fit in the door.Copy !req
689. He does.
Barry!Copy !req
690. Hey, I have no bad feelings
about Lou.Copy !req
691. I'm glad he's so lucky.Copy !req
692. You know, I'm glad that somebody's
treating you nice for a change.Copy !req
693. I have some time for myself.
It's kinda, you know, it's...Copy !req
694. When I was with you, I spent
so much time taking care of you,Copy !req
695. and Lou sometimes
even takes care of me.Copy !req
696. Um...Copy !req
697. I don't know.
It's a different lifestyle.Copy !req
698. You're like a carnival,Copy !req
699. and he's more like
homogenized milk.Copy !req
700. Why are you staring at me?Copy !req
701. I miss you.Copy !req
702. I miss you too.Copy !req
703. What's this hold
you have on me?Copy !req
704. Love.Copy !req
705. I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to
say stuff like that. I forgot.Copy !req
706. Barry, what do you want me to do?
Fall in love with you again?Copy !req
707. - Is that what this is about?
- I don't want you doing anything.Copy !req
708. I mean, you're here. That's all I...
I'm happy that you're here.Copy !req
709. I... I don't know... I have to
go at the end of the day...Copy !req
710. or tomorrow...Copy !req
711. and I can't keep coming
back and forth.Copy !req
712. I... You know,
you've got success.Copy !req
713. You know, the most important thing is,
you've got to start loving yourself.Copy !req
714. You got that. You are good.
You are wonderful.Copy !req
715. Now, feel it and know
you have to have a life.Copy !req
716. - Find someone with a soul.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
717. Don't just fall in love
with some girl's body.Copy !req
718. I mean, you do like a
girl's body, didn't you?Copy !req
719. - The only problem was I got caught.
- Yeah, what can you do?Copy !req
720. Maybe you should've stayed
at your mom's that day.Copy !req
721. Tony, keep the taper nice
and tight around the waist.Copy !req
722. Judge wants to look hot
for his old lady.Copy !req
723. Don't you think these lapels are
too much for an awards ceremony?Copy !req
724. Judge, everyone's gonna be wearing
these lapels by this time next year.Copy !req
725. Wait and see. You need
a shirt to go with that.Copy !req
726. What do you think about
that referendum coming up?Copy !req
727. - I was gonna ask you the
same question. - Perfect.Copy !req
728. - Throwin' this in free of charge. Gift
from me and Teddy. - Very kind of you.Copy !req
729. Judge, you bring out the
woman in me. You're gorgeous.Copy !req
730. Hey, good-looking.Copy !req
731. Tony, why don't you show the
judge back to the dressing rooms.Copy !req
732. - I'll just take this up for you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
733. - Been out shopping? - Uh-huh.
- Buy any see-through undies?Copy !req
734. I thought we'd have
lunch together.Copy !req
735. Love to, babe.
Having lunch with the judge.Copy !req
736. He's gonna help me out with that
zoning variance for the nightclub.Copy !req
737. Okay, work's important.
What about dinner?Copy !req
738. I can't.
Moe Thompson's stag party.Copy !req
739. City Council president.
Come on.Copy !req
740. - Make sure there are no women.
- Hey.Copy !req
741. Tomorrow night, you and me, dinner,
just the two of us. The Caprice?Copy !req
742. - Promise? - I promise. - Flowers?
- Tablecloths. - Mariachi bands?Copy !req
743. - Barry.
- Music. What, Vince?Copy !req
744. Someone you gotta meet. Guess who
this is. Go ahead, guess. What, Vince?Copy !req
745. I have no idea.
Your Cousin Al.Copy !req
746. No. What a joker.
Jeff, say something.Copy !req
747. - What is this, performing seal time?
- Cut another caller off.Copy !req
748. You're history. Ptt!
You're on Talk of the Town.Copy !req
749. You're Jeff Fisher.Copy !req
750. In my store. I can't believe it.
I listen to your show all the time.Copy !req
751. You're great, man. You look
different than I thought.Copy !req
752. - You thought I'd be 6'2, in spurs?
- Yeah.Copy !req
753. - This is my wife, Ellen.
- Nice to meet you.Copy !req
754. Yeah, the craziest people
call in that show.Copy !req
755. I think of calling
myself sometimes.Copy !req
756. You're too shy, right?
I can tell.Copy !req
757. - Don't I listen all the time?
- He thinks you're God.Copy !req
758. - Well, thank you, sir. - Wish we had
your picture. We could put it up.Copy !req
759. I'll send you one.
You've got quite a voice.Copy !req
760. - Voice?
- You ever do radio?Copy !req
761. - I've thought of doing some radio.
- Only came in for a second.Copy !req
762. I gotta run. Listen, Vince,
send the jacket to my home.Copy !req
763. - Uh... Uh... What's your name?
- Barry. Barry Golden. Yeah.Copy !req
764. Anytime you're in the neighborhood,
stop by the station.Copy !req
765. - Love to show you around, let you
say a couple of words, - Yeah, sure.Copy !req
766. sell some suits, plug the store.Copy !req
767. My secretary'll send the picture. Don't
forget the sleeves. Nice meeting you.Copy !req
768. - Bye-bye!
- Bye!Copy !req
769. The topic is fantasy
love affairs.Copy !req
770. Who would you like to have
a love affair with?Copy !req
771. We're here with our good friend, Barry.
What's your name this week?Copy !req
772. - Barry Champlain, man.
- Barry Champlain, man, is here,Copy !req
773. - and he has said "his wife".
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
774. These are supposed to be
famous people,Copy !req
775. unless your wife's gotten around
a lot more than I think she has.Copy !req
776. Come on. Your wife's
not listening, okay?Copy !req
777. Who would you really like to
get up close and personal with?Copy !req
778. - Marie Osmond, I think, is very sexy.
- That's one for Marie Osmond.Copy !req
779. - In black leather, yeah.
- The studio fish is blushing.Copy !req
780. She is sex incarnate, man.
She's a Mormon, isn't she?Copy !req
781. Mormons believe in bigamy. Marie,
I want to marry you right now.Copy !req
782. Come down to the station.
I want you, Marie.Copy !req
783. Okay! We'll take another caller.
Yeah, you're on "Talk of the Town".Copy !req
784. Yeah, you know what I think?
You two are a couple of liberal pinkos.Copy !req
785. That's what I think. Are you two homos?
Is that what you are?Copy !req
786. You know what you are,
my friend, you are history.Copy !req
787. Wait.
The caller has a point.Copy !req
788. It's true, sir, indeed,
Jeff Fisher and I are lovers.Copy !req
789. Have been for the last 15 years. In
fact, we're holding hands right now.Copy !req
790. - Probably nigger lovers too.
- Yeah, what race are you, sir?Copy !req
791. I'm white,
and I'm proud of it.Copy !req
792. As one white man to another,
let me ask you a question.Copy !req
793. Do you know how much money white Americans
spend every year on suntan lotion?Copy !req
794. $165 million!Copy !req
795. That's a lot of money to spend
just to turn brown.Copy !req
796. You know why they wanna turn
brown? Jeff, do you know why?Copy !req
797. - Let's take another caller.
- This is an interesting question.Copy !req
798. They wanna turn brown because
they secretly want to be black.Copy !req
799. - You know why they wanna be black?
- These and other questions...Copy !req
800. Because they feel
sexually inferior.Copy !req
801. You're a smart-mouth homo.
That's what you are.Copy !req
802. - Okay, okay.
- You're an inbred throwback...Copy !req
803. Ha-hoo! It's a Texas rodeo, yes
indeed. We'll hose 'em down...Copy !req
804. and be right back after
this commercial break.Copy !req
805. When I say "cut, "
you stop talking.Copy !req
806. We've been through this before.
You're fun and the audience likes you,Copy !req
807. but I'm not gonna lose
my license over this shit.Copy !req
808. Why would you lose
your license?Copy !req
809. - It's called Standards and Prac...
- Jeff, pick up seven.Copy !req
810. Thank you. Standards and Practices.
You ever heard of it? Yeah?Copy !req
811. Oh, he's funny, yeah.Copy !req
812. Yeah, right, yeah, sure.Copy !req
813. Sells suits.Copy !req
814. Tomorrow at 10:00?Copy !req
815. I'll ask him.
Hold on.Copy !req
816. Can you come in tomorrow morning,
meet the boss at 10:00?Copy !req
817. - What for?
- What I would do is...Copy !req
818. have a swimming pool
and a sauna...Copy !req
819. Boring. Come on,
you could do better than that.Copy !req
820. Line four. Nancy, what would
you do with a million bucks?Copy !req
821. Barry,
I just love your show.Copy !req
822. Send me your measurements and a nude
photograph, and I'll get back to you.Copy !req
823. Line one, Frank in Grapevine.
Yeah, Frank?Copy !req
824. - I'm a Chicano...
- Good for you. I'm a Jew.Copy !req
825. - Now, this is serious, dude.
- Wrong show.Copy !req
826. Look, Stu, I don't think we've had a decent
answer to this question all night long.Copy !req
827. Now, come on, people,
you gotta give me a good answer,Copy !req
828. - Yeah, hold on.
- or I'm gonna punish ya.Copy !req
829. Okay, let's go to...Copy !req
830. - Let's go to... - Here, talk to Barry.
Come on. Talk to Barry.Copy !req
831. - Line one, you're on. - Say something,
anything. Ready? Say something.Copy !req
832. - Say something.
- Uh, yeah, this is Cheryl Ann.Copy !req
833. What are you gonna do with
a million bucks, Cheryl Ann?Copy !req
834. If I had a million bucks, I would
buy my own radio transmitter...Copy !req
835. and start my own
talk show,Copy !req
836. so I wouldn't have to listen
to your voice.Copy !req
837. If you hate my voice so much,
why don't you change the station?Copy !req
838. - I can't.
- Why not.Copy !req
839. I'm in prison, and the warden
picks the shows we listen to.Copy !req
840. Good. You're lying.
You love my voice.Copy !req
841. - I hate your voice.
- You love my voice.Copy !req
842. It's a love-hate situation.
You can't get enough of my voice.Copy !req
843. Come on. Admit it.
You're full of it!Copy !req
844. If you don't love my voice,
then hang up. Come on. Hang up.Copy !req
845. You love me. Come on.
Hang up. Hang up!Copy !req
846. I hate you,
Barry Champlain!Copy !req
847. Beautiful.
I love it.Copy !req
848. Not good enough.
Folks, you let me down once again.Copy !req
849. For that,
you must be punished.Copy !req
850. This is the Bee Gees, and this
one's going out to you, Cheryl Ann,Copy !req
851. singing "Saturday Night Fever"
ten times in a row.Copy !req
852. Best call we've had in a
couple of weeks, I swear.Copy !req
853. That was great, honey. We gotta
get Cheryl Ann calling more often.Copy !req
854. They're eating this stuff up, Barry.
See that piece in the paper today?Copy !req
855. The thing about me looking for
a bodyguard? Great publicity.Copy !req
856. You want this ten times
in a row, seriously?Copy !req
857. No, make it three times.
I'll be back in a minute.Copy !req
858. - Three it is.
- Beautiful show. I love it.Copy !req
859. Ooh.Copy !req
860. - That was great.
- The kiss or the call?Copy !req
861. Dan just gave me
some good news.Copy !req
862. I'm getting the
10:00 a. m. slot.Copy !req
863. He's hiring a producer
just for my own show.Copy !req
864. - Oh, Barry, that's wonderful.
- Yeah. You wanna do it?Copy !req
865. - Huh? - You'd be the
best person to do it.Copy !req
866. You're smart, you're hardworking,
you do everything I tell you to do.Copy !req
867. Um, Barry, I think you
better get someone else.Copy !req
868. - I don't think it's a good idea.
- It's a great idea.Copy !req
869. Come on.
You gotta do it.Copy !req
870. - No, I don't think so.
- Do it. Come on. I need you.Copy !req
871. Barry, if I work for you, the
fun would go out it, you know?Copy !req
872. There'd be a lot of tension.
It might even screw up our marriage.Copy !req
873. Fuck our marriage. Come on.
This is important. I need you.Copy !req
874. Don't you want the show to be as good
as it can be? Aren't you behind me?Copy !req
875. - You gotta be joking.
- Of course I'm not joking.Copy !req
876. You just said,
"Fuck our marriage. "Copy !req
877. I'm joking.Copy !req
878. This is getting really boring.
I'm gonna switch it, all right?Copy !req
879. I just thought that...Copy !req
880. Forget it.Copy !req
881. I'm very proud of you.Copy !req
882. It's wonderful for you.Copy !req
883. Come on.
Okay?Copy !req
884. Hmm?
Come on. Okay?Copy !req
885. Barry?Copy !req
886. Baby, I don't wanna go
in the sink.Copy !req
887. Yeah!
In the sink!Copy !req
888. I don't wanna go
in the sink.Copy !req
889. Oh-ho!
Hi, Ellen!Copy !req
890. Hi, Stu.Copy !req
891. - Are you having a party?
- Yeah, a sink party.Copy !req
892. Oh, uh, hi, hon. My mother wasn't
feeling well, so I decided to come home.Copy !req
893. Ellen, I thought you
and your mother were...Copy !req
894. - ... uh...
- Eh...Copy !req
895. Um, what...Copy !req
896. what are you two up to?Copy !req
897. - Look, I better go out and come back in.
- Barry, come back.Copy !req
898. You cut me off!Copy !req
899. Hey, Theresa, come here.
Come with Stuey,Copy !req
900. and have a Stuey sandwich
with Mimi and Stuey.Copy !req
901. You want one?Copy !req
902. No.Copy !req
903. He became a millionaire.
How about that?Copy !req
904. Brings back memories.Copy !req
905. A lot of changes.
I'm nicer, I make more money...Copy !req
906. and I only hang up
on one out of seven.Copy !req
907. with Dallas' own Mr.
Popularity, Barry Champlain.Copy !req
908. I'm Sidney Greenberg, reminding
you that it's not how much you take,Copy !req
909. it's how much
you take home.Copy !req
910. Hey!Copy !req
911. - How's Chicago? - Great.
- You look great. - You look great too.Copy !req
912. Ellen, what are you
doing here?Copy !req
913. I couldn't miss
Barry's premiere.Copy !req
914. Yeah, we only have a couple of minutes.
You mind if I steal Barry?Copy !req
915. You know where the green room is.
Have a cup of coffee. We'll catch up.Copy !req
916. Sure.
Bye.Copy !req
917. - Evening, Barry.
- I have two minutes. What is it?Copy !req
918. I'll make it brief. I know
you've got your show to do.Copy !req
919. Barry, we've run into some
slight scheduling problems...Copy !req
920. concerning
the national feed.Copy !req
921. We're gonna have to delay it
for at least a couple of weeks.Copy !req
922. Hi, Stuey.Copy !req
923. Ellen! Holy cow!
I knew you'd show up.Copy !req
924. Jesus, let me look at you here. Are
you taking young pills or something?Copy !req
925. - Wanna step into my crib with me?
- You must be excited.Copy !req
926. Oh, yeah, I'm jumping out
of my skin. You kidding me?Copy !req
927. I called my mother and told her we're
gonna broadcast all over the country.Copy !req
928. She says, "Stuart, that's
beautiful. What country?"Copy !req
929. - Good to see you.
- It's good to see you.Copy !req
930. - Hi. - Hi. - I'm Laura Nicholson.
I spoke to you on the phone.Copy !req
931. Oh, it's nice to meet you.
You must be Barry's secretary.Copy !req
932. - No, actually, I'm his producer. We're
going in a few seconds. - Excuse me.Copy !req
933. - Let's go. - From the heart
of the Lone Star state,Copy !req
934. it's time for Dallas' most
popular talk show, Night Talk...Copy !req
935. The KGAB phone lines are open
and ready for your call...Copy !req
936. at 555-TALK.Copy !req
937. - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Isn't this exciting?Copy !req
938. I've just received
some terrible news.Copy !req
939. Night Talk will not be broadcast
nationally tonight...Copy !req
940. due to the usual corporate,
big business, inefficiency,Copy !req
941. sloppiness and bureaucracy.Copy !req
942. I've just been informed
of a scheduling problem.Copy !req
943. Nothing personal, nothing logical,
just business as usual.Copy !req
944. Maybe the show will go national
next week, maybe next month.Copy !req
945. No one seems to know.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
946. I feel I've let you,
the listeners, down.Copy !req
947. But I've been in this business long
enough to know you can lose the battle...Copy !req
948. and still win the war.Copy !req
949. Night Talk still has a purpose,
a standard to which it must rise,Copy !req
950. and I will not let you down
on that score.Copy !req
951. This show is about saying
what's got to be said.Copy !req
952. That's what we're
gonna do here tonight.Copy !req
953. Tonight, anything goes.Copy !req
954. I wanna hear you. I want you to
tell me what you really think.Copy !req
955. - No holds barred.
Call 555-TALK. - I'm sorry.Copy !req
956. The door is open.
Hit me with your best shot.Copy !req
957. Night Talk.
Jerry from Rockwell.Copy !req
958. - You're on.
- Barry.Copy !req
959. Have you ever entertained
one single doubt...Copy !req
960. about the truth
of the Holocaust?Copy !req
961. I think we've had this conversation
before, sir. When you make theseCopy !req
962. accusations against Jews, when you
start questioning the Holocaust,Copy !req
963. I think you should have some facts
available, and the facts are available.Copy !req
964. Well, of course. We'd love to sit
down and debate them with you.Copy !req
965. Uh-huh. Well, who's "we"? Am
I talking to a "we" or a "you"?Copy !req
966. Well, Barry, we're
organized in our belief...Copy !req
967. the same way the Zionists
are organized in their belief.Copy !req
968. We could debate it. It would
be very easy and simple.Copy !req
969. It would be far more simple and
valuable for you to get in touch with,Copy !req
970. let's say, the Holocaust
Museum down in Washington.Copy !req
971. - Uh-huh. - They'll send you
the names of all the Jews...Copy !req
972. who died during World War ll.
They have all this information.Copy !req
973. I mean, the first one to say if
somebody made a mistake...Copy !req
974. They say six million died? It could've
been five million or seven million.Copy !req
975. It could be two also.Copy !req
976. Is that the issue? That two
million innocent people died?Copy !req
977. - Why should one single innocent
person die, Jew or non-Jew? -I agree.Copy !req
978. But the Zionists are using this issue
and the guilt on the American public...Copy !req
979. to extort from us
our tax dollars.Copy !req
980. The figures we have say
every family in Israel...Copy !req
981. gets over $10, 000
of our taxes.Copy !req
982. Well, you'll never see more
collective poverty than in Israel.Copy !req
983. - I urge you to take a trip there. - All you
got to do, Barry, is go to West Virginia.Copy !req
984. - What does West Virginia have to
do with it? - Or Nebraska or Idaho,Copy !req
985. - where you'll see farmer after
farmer biting the dust... - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
986. - losing their farms, can't
get decent loans. - Yeah.Copy !req
987. If we had the loans and grants
that are sent to Israel,Copy !req
988. we wouldn't be losing our farms,
which is the backbone of this country.Copy !req
989. And what if a woman competes with you
in the marketplace and takes your job?Copy !req
990. - What if black men start dating
and marrying white women? - Oh!Copy !req
991. And what if homosexuals
are teaching your children?Copy !req
992. And what if you're afraid to
walk the streets at night?Copy !req
993. What if you see yuppies getting rich while
you're standing in the unemployment line?Copy !req
994. And what if your government
sends you to Vietnam...Copy !req
995. to fight a war they have
no chance of winning?Copy !req
996. And what if your country
is slipping away, lost?Copy !req
997. I know the argument, friend.Copy !req
998. It's the great theory of history.
I've heard it before.Copy !req
999. It says,
"When things ain't good,Copy !req
1000. "instead of getting down and
doing something about it,Copy !req
1001. instead of changing your life, it's a hell
of a lot easier to blame somebody else. "Copy !req
1002. And it just don't wash
in my book.Copy !req
1003. - Well, that's a very nice
speech, Barry... - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1004. but it seems to me you're making
pretty good money on that station.Copy !req
1005. And since you're an outsider
to these parts and all,Copy !req
1006. it seems difficult, I guess, to relate to
the common-folk problems out here.Copy !req
1007. There is no room for self-pity, sir,
in my life or yours.Copy !req
1008. Now, you ought to read the Turner Diaries,
Barry, by William Pierce. It's all there.Copy !req
1009. - Mm-hmm.
- It says...Copy !req
1010. Yes, I'm familiar with that novel,
a product of the enlightened man.Copy !req
1011. - Now, let me finish!
- Barry, I got Beauty on five.Copy !req
1012. What it does is lays out the plan for
the coming revolution. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1013. See, the word "America, "Barry, means
"heavenly kingdom" in the gothic language.Copy !req
1014. - Yeah. - It's the real new
Jerusalem of Scripture.Copy !req
1015. It shows you how the Jews
are impostors who took...Copy !req
1016. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For those
of you who don't know it,Copy !req
1017. - it starts idiotically enough in
the year 1991. - That's correct.Copy !req
1018. It's written as a diary by a young,
white, racist, electrical engineer...Copy !req
1019. who joins an underground
paramilitary organization...Copy !req
1020. - known as "The Order. "
- That's right.Copy !req
1021. Oh, am I doing all right?
Oh, great.Copy !req
1022. They institute a revolution
against ZOG,Copy !req
1023. the Zionist Occupied Government
of America.Copy !req
1024. And along the way, they kill
all the mongrel races...Copy !req
1025. Jews, blacks,
homosexuals, feminists...Copy !req
1026. and other mud people.Copy !req
1027. It's an idiotic book written for
people with bubble gum brains...Copy !req
1028. who never got out of the fourth grade,
watching reruns of The Blob.Copy !req
1029. Easy, Barry.
You're part of the problem.Copy !req
1030. You're another Jew,
another weed-eating Jew,Copy !req
1031. in control of the media
of this country.Copy !req
1032. And from there, you pass judgement
on that which you don't know.Copy !req
1033. And there will come a day for you Barry,
and thousands of others like you...Copy !req
1034. who have slept with black women,
who have lied to us...Copy !req
1035. when you will hang from your neck
with a placard around it saying,Copy !req
1036. "I betrayed my race. "Copy !req
1037. Well, what can you say to
a paranoid schizophrenic...Copy !req
1038. who's a coward for hanging up,
except that I guess the day that I hang,Copy !req
1039. I'll probably defend the asshole
who hung me.Copy !req
1040. Talk radio. Free speech
isn't really free at all.Copy !req
1041. It's actually a little bit like Russian
roulette. A very expensive commodity.Copy !req
1042. You never know what's gonna come up
the next time you push the button.Copy !req
1043. - Yeah, you're on Night Talk.
- I changed my name...Copy !req
1044. and didn't have any trouble
getting Social Security.Copy !req
1045. My birth certificate has
my name spelled differently.Copy !req
1046. - And I...
- Hello?Copy !req
1047. Yeah, it's very interesting.
What's your view on lesbian priests?Copy !req
1048. - My view on what?
- How about masturbation?Copy !req
1049. - You got any view on that?
- No, I don't.Copy !req
1050. How about that law in Arizona
where it's a felony...Copy !req
1051. to go around with an
erection in your pants?Copy !req
1052. - What do you think about that? - Well,
I... I'm not really calling about that.Copy !req
1053. - Mm-hmm.
- If they wanna do it, let 'em do it.Copy !req
1054. Yeah, what?Copy !req
1055. Kent's on three. I don't
think you should take the call.Copy !req
1056. - Lose him, Barry.
- Barry? Hello?Copy !req
1057. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's just fine
for you. Tell him to shoot it to me.Copy !req
1058. - Hello, Barry? Hello?
- Well, good, good.Copy !req
1059. That's good for you.Copy !req
1060. Gee, tonight's just a
walk down memory lane.Copy !req
1061. And we have Kent with us
once again.Copy !req
1062. - Yeah, Kent.
- I didn't mean to hang up on you.Copy !req
1063. Yeah, but you did. Listen, Kent,
you're a fake. You're a hoax.Copy !req
1064. You call up with some fake-o story
about how you and your girlfriend...Copy !req
1065. are taking drugs
and she's O.D.'d...Copy !req
1066. - and your parents
are in Acapulco. - Fiji.Copy !req
1067. Oh, Fiji, right.
An important detail.Copy !req
1068. You're just this poor, mixed-up kid.
You don't know what to do.Copy !req
1069. - I think she's dead!
- What are you trying to tell me?Copy !req
1070. - That your girlfriend O.D.'d? Now
she's dead? - I don't know, okay?Copy !req
1071. - I just can't get her to wake up!
- Yeah, we heard that already.Copy !req
1072. - There's foam coming out
of her mouth. - What?Copy !req
1073. Foam coming out
of her mouth.Copy !req
1074. - Let's dump this guy, now.
- It's Barry's show, boss.Copy !req
1075. - That's it. That's it.
- Listen!Copy !req
1076. My parents are in Fiji, okay?Copy !req
1077. - And the stuff about my girlfriend...
- Yeah, what?Copy !req
1078. - She...
- Come on, Kent. Spit it out.Copy !req
1079. - No, you'll cut me off!
- I won't cut you off, Kent.Copy !req
1080. You promise?Copy !req
1081. I promise I won't
cut you off, Kent.Copy !req
1082. I made the whole thing up!Copy !req
1083. - Kent? - What? - I lied.
I'm cutting you off.Copy !req
1084. - Get the hell out of here.
- No, please! Look, I'm not lying!Copy !req
1085. - I gotta talk to you.
- You gotta talk to me?Copy !req
1086. What are you gonna talk about?
Your mother just slit her wrists?Copy !req
1087. She's bleeding to death?Copy !req
1088. How about your father? Got a shotgun
in his mouth? Gonna blow his brains out?Copy !req
1089. Tell me, who else is dead?
Come on. Who's dead, Kent?Copy !req
1090. Who's dead? Who's dead?
Tell me, who's dead?Copy !req
1091. No one's dead!
No one's dead, Barry.Copy !req
1092. Come on.
Look.Copy !req
1093. - I just wanted to talk. - We're
talking. You got two seconds. Talk.Copy !req
1094. - Okay, I listen to you all
the time, you know. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1095. - I think about what
you say, Bar. - Yeah.Copy !req
1096. - You say such cool stuff.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1097. Well, I just didn't know
what to say, you know.Copy !req
1098. Look, I wanted to meet you.Copy !req
1099. Now you're goofing on me.
You wanted to meet me?Copy !req
1100. You can meet me anytime you want.
I'm right here in the station.Copy !req
1101. - You're at the station? - I'm not
the president, for God's sakes.Copy !req
1102. I'm right here, downtown,
in the studio.Copy !req
1103. - So I could just come down?
- You could just come down.Copy !req
1104. - Now? - Now?
- Right now?Copy !req
1105. - What do you mean, right now?
- Right now.Copy !req
1106. - I'll just come down.
- I'm on the air, Kent.Copy !req
1107. Please?Copy !req
1108. - Sure, Kent. - Why not?
- Really? - Come on down.Copy !req
1109. - I'd love to meet you.
Just hurry up. - alright!Copy !req
1110. I'm halfway through the show.
We're at the end of the first hour...Copy !req
1111. of exciting and intellectual
conversation here on Night Talk.Copy !req
1112. Don't go away. We have the
news and the weather coming up.Copy !req
1113. And then we'll be back
with more Night Talk.Copy !req
1114. - Barry.
- Dan.Copy !req
1115. Laura, call down and tell
Security there's a kid coming.Copy !req
1116. Dan, you want anything?
Coffee? Tea? Insulin?Copy !req
1117. Crack?
We have it all right here.Copy !req
1118. Barry, you should ask me if you
wanna have a guest on the show.Copy !req
1119. - Why? - 'Cause I'm the
boss, Barry. That's why.Copy !req
1120. Dan, I'll do my job,
you do yours, okay?Copy !req
1121. He is not coming on the show.
That's it. We have too much riding...Copy !req
1122. - on what's going on here tonight.
- What's going on here tonight?Copy !req
1123. If they think for one minute that
you're undependable, it's over.Copy !req
1124. Dan, Metro Wave bought
my show. All right?Copy !req
1125. This is my show.
I put who I want on my show.Copy !req
1126. If I wanna have Charlie Manson on
my show, I'll put him on the show.Copy !req
1127. Or Ted Bundy... Or how about this.
I have David Berkowitz,Copy !req
1128. Bernard Goetz,
John Hinckley on.Copy !req
1129. We do a special on gun control.
How would that be?Copy !req
1130. Or how about that postman from
Oklahoma who killed 14 people, Dan?Copy !req
1131. - He killed his boss.
We bring him on the show. - Cut.Copy !req
1132. - We bring you on as a
special guest. - Out. Out.Copy !req
1133. We're gonna bring these guys on
the show. We'll have a terrific show.Copy !req
1134. Oh, boy, this'll be great.Copy !req
1135. That's funny stuff, Barry,
the mailman who killed his boss.Copy !req
1136. Did you see what the mailman
brought me today?Copy !req
1137. Huh?Copy !req
1138. We got half the wackos
within 20 miles of this place...Copy !req
1139. saying how much they wanna
"burn your Jew ass. "Copy !req
1140. Think about that, Barry. The time it
takes to sit down and write that on paper,Copy !req
1141. put it in an envelope,
lick it, send it to the station.Copy !req
1142. And I've got boxes of
this shit in my office.Copy !req
1143. These people are
dead serious.Copy !req
1144. All I'm suggesting is that you simply
pull it back, just for a little bit.Copy !req
1145. I think you're a little
out of your depth, Dan.Copy !req
1146. - I think it's time... - Just stop talking
and listen to me for two minutes!Copy !req
1147. You don't have an audience
in here now to cheer you on.Copy !req
1148. You do whatever you want to tonight,
Barry. Have fun. Blow the deal.Copy !req
1149. I'm not gonna say I don't care,
because I worked very hard on this.Copy !req
1150. - I worked my ass off on this.
- This is my life you're talking about.Copy !req
1151. No, what you are, Barry, is a fucking
suit salesman with a big mouth.Copy !req
1152. Let's call a spade a spade.Copy !req
1153. It's a job.
That's all it is.Copy !req
1154. You can come in here and start predicting
Armageddon if you want to, Barry.Copy !req
1155. But it's still a job.Copy !req
1156. A job you did not even know
how to do...Copy !req
1157. until I taught it to you!Copy !req
1158. What do you think you're doing
in here, changing the world?Copy !req
1159. This is a talk show, Barry,
and you are a talk show host.Copy !req
1160. Alan does the drive time,
Jerry does the home handyman stuff,Copy !req
1161. Sheila does the shrink stuff, Sid does the
financial stuff, and you hang up on people.Copy !req
1162. That's your job.Copy !req
1163. Now, you're very good at it.
You're the joker in my deck,Copy !req
1164. and I'm very happy
for your success.Copy !req
1165. But you work for me!Copy !req
1166. I'm your boss.Copy !req
1167. You wanna have the kid
on the show? Have him on!Copy !req
1168. But you get one thing straight.
You fuck up my deal,Copy !req
1169. and you go back to selling
double-knit suits.Copy !req
1170. I'm glad you take it
all so seriously, Barry,Copy !req
1171. but you gotta learn when to
stop or it's gonna kill you.Copy !req
1172. - Go get the kid.
- The kid is not a good idea, Barry.Copy !req
1173. - You're on his side, aren't you?
- No, I want you to think about the show.Copy !req
1174. You could lose everything that you've
worked for and everything I've worked for.Copy !req
1175. Get the kid.Copy !req
1176. It's very important to Barry.Copy !req
1177. It's a very important
moment in his life.Copy !req
1178. Yes, he is important to me.
He is important.Copy !req
1179. Look, Lou,
he's a fuckin' basket case.Copy !req
1180. Lou... alright, alright.
Forget it. Forget it.Copy !req
1181. I'll just stay to see the show tonight,
and then I'll be home tomorrow, okay?Copy !req
1182. Love you.Copy !req
1183. Yeah.
Hey.Copy !req
1184. Just pretend I'm visiting
a sick relative.Copy !req
1185. All right?Copy !req
1186. Bye.Copy !req
1187. Yeah.Copy !req
1188. Night Talk. We're back. This is
the spirit of Barry Champlain.Copy !req
1189. - Joe, hit me with your best shot.
- Yeah, Barry.Copy !req
1190. I've been driving a cab now
for about 11 years.Copy !req
1191. - I've met all kinds.
I know people. - I wish I did.Copy !req
1192. Let me tell you
something, friend.Copy !req
1193. That kid who just called, what he
needs is a good bust in the chops.Copy !req
1194. - Think that would do it, Joe?
- Kid like that needs some discipline.Copy !req
1195. - Discipline?
- I got two kids, Barry.Copy !req
1196. They give me any trouble,
I just take off my belt.Copy !req
1197. - They see the belt, that's it.
- How old are your children, Joe?Copy !req
1198. Little girl's five,
boy's three and a half.Copy !req
1199. - You hit them with a belt?
- Brush, belt, newspaper. Whatever.Copy !req
1200. Hey, they're either gonna get it from
me or they're gonna get it out there.Copy !req
1201. - Joe, I think you need
professional help. - What's that?Copy !req
1202. You need to get together with Jerry.
He can hold them down...Copy !req
1203. - while you hit them with a belt.
- What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
1204. You're hitting your kids with
brushes and belts. You're psychotic.Copy !req
1205. - You're a psycho. - Yeah?
And what are you, friend, a faggot?Copy !req
1206. Coming from a pinhead like you,
that's a complement.Copy !req
1207. How about I come on down there to
that station of yours right now...Copy !req
1208. and bust your little
faggot face right in?Copy !req
1209. - Who's gonna help, your brother?
- You don't say nothin' about my brother.Copy !req
1210. Your brother hangs around Harry
Heinz Blvd, doesn't he? He's a pimp.Copy !req
1211. - And your wife, she's a
hooker, isn't she? - My wife?Copy !req
1212. What do you beat her with,
a baseball bat?Copy !req
1213. Hmm?Copy !req
1214. Well, I know where
you live, partner.Copy !req
1215. alright?
I know what you look like.Copy !req
1216. - Mm-hmm.
- Sweet dreams, sweetheart.Copy !req
1217. I can't wait.Copy !req
1218. Vincent, you're on Night Talk.
Say something interesting.Copy !req
1219. - Yup. Uh...
- Yo.Copy !req
1220. - I've been listening to
you for five years. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
1221. Yup, and the guys down here at
the store put you on every night.Copy !req
1222. - Yup. - And we sit around
and laugh at you... - Yup.Copy !req
1223. because you're
such a jerk-off and...Copy !req
1224. Yeah, all right.
Night Talk. Agnes, yeah.Copy !req
1225. - Barry, can I ask you a question?
- Hit me.Copy !req
1226. I wouldn't hit you for
the world, sweetheart.Copy !req
1227. - I Love Lucy. Now, why don't
they make more of them? - What?Copy !req
1228. What do you want to talk
to Barry about?Copy !req
1229. You wanna rape somebody?Copy !req
1230. Why don't you go home and take
a cold shower. That'd be better.Copy !req
1231. Those shows are ancient, Agnes. Lucille
Ball must be at least 105 years old.Copy !req
1232. - The rest of the cast is dead.
- No. Now, she's not that old.Copy !req
1233. I saw her on the show the other night,
and she looked to be around 35.Copy !req
1234. And that Ricky Ricardo boy,
can he play the bongos.Copy !req
1235. Nobody can be this stupid. Are you serious,
Agnes? You know what year this is?Copy !req
1236. Yeah, John,
you're on Night Talk.Copy !req
1237. Remember me, Barry?Copy !req
1238. I called and said
I was in Turtle Creek.Copy !req
1239. Well, I...Copy !req
1240. I raped three
women since then.Copy !req
1241. - Do you remember me?
- I'm not sure. Refresh me, John.Copy !req
1242. I'm thinking about raping another
one, Barry. I saw her this morning.Copy !req
1243. What are you doing to me, Stu?
You're killing me right here on the air.Copy !req
1244. - Oh, could we relax, please?
- These women I raped aren't turning me in.Copy !req
1245. - How come?
- Well, tell me where you are, John,Copy !req
1246. and I'll make sure
you get some help.Copy !req
1247. - You have my word on that.
- I'm just so tired of raping women. I...Copy !req
1248. I'm so tired of
raping women!Copy !req
1249. - I... I got rage for them!
I got rage for them! - John.Copy !req
1250. When was the last time
you raped a woman?Copy !req
1251. Greenville a
couple weeks ago.Copy !req
1252. She was...
She was struttin' around...Copy !req
1253. like she was something else.Copy !req
1254. Yeah, I... I understand, John.
I sympathize.Copy !req
1255. We all get angry.Copy !req
1256. Where did the rape
actually occur?Copy !req
1257. It was in the backseat
of her car.Copy !req
1258. She pulled into the
Jack in the Box parking lot.Copy !req
1259. I jumped in and said,
"Okay, I'm-"Copy !req
1260. It was nighttime, sometime.
I don't know.Copy !req
1261. - How old are you, John?
- I'm 40.Copy !req
1262. - I was in the pen 12 years.
- Are you taping this for me?Copy !req
1263. - I didn't get no therapy. - Let me hook
this up. - They didn't do nothin' for me!Copy !req
1264. They didn't... They didn't...
They didn't bother to help me!Copy !req
1265. - Barry, I'm gonna rape somebody.
I'm gonna do it. - But why?Copy !req
1266. I gotta!
It's an irresistible compulsion.Copy !req
1267. It's like... It's like
tryin' to quit smoking.Copy !req
1268. Barry, I can't help myself.Copy !req
1269. I can't...Copy !req
1270. Yeah, all right. You have
this irresistible compulsion.Copy !req
1271. John, the last time we spoke,Copy !req
1272. you said that
jogging helped you.Copy !req
1273. Up and down Turtle Creek.Copy !req
1274. Jogging up and down the
Turtle Creek. Turtle Creek!Copy !req
1275. I could name you every duck
in Turtle Creek!Copy !req
1276. John, have you decided
who you're gonna rape next?Copy !req
1277. I got her picked out,
staked out and ready.Copy !req
1278. I always wanted her.Copy !req
1279. What is it about her
that you like?Copy !req
1280. What is it about a piece of strawberry
pie or a piece of pumpkin pie?Copy !req
1281. I mean, I don't know.
She could be black or white,Copy !req
1282. Hispano, Japanese,
pretty, fat, ugly.Copy !req
1283. I wanna rape them all!Copy !req
1284. All right, John, calm down. I
wanna help you. I'm your friend.Copy !req
1285. Are you my buddy, Barry?Copy !req
1286. I'm your buddy, John.Copy !req
1287. I can't help myself.
I gotta go do it.Copy !req
1288. - You can help yourself. You're not
gonna do it, John. - No, I gotta do it.Copy !req
1289. No, you're not
gonna do it, John.Copy !req
1290. - Now, listen to me.
- I'm gonna go do it.Copy !req
1291. No, no, no. Think about
what you're saying, John.Copy !req
1292. John?Copy !req
1293. He's gone.Copy !req
1294. Another lost soul goes
into the Dallas night.Copy !req
1295. We... We have a
police trace on this.Copy !req
1296. If anybody knows
anything about this man...Copy !req
1297. or is in Turtle Creek or sees
someone in a phone booth,Copy !req
1298. please call us here
at KGAB.Copy !req
1299. The number to call is,
is 555-TALK.Copy !req
1300. Uh, let's hear
from our sponsors...Copy !req
1301. Pasty Mate Roach
and Termite Cleaners.Copy !req
1302. Listen closely.Copy !req
1303. The sound of
cockroaches mating...Copy !req
1304. - enhanced 500 times.
- They couldn't trace it.Copy !req
1305. Right, I should've kept him on
for another three hours.Copy !req
1306. You know, I once had a
cup of Humphrey's coffee.Copy !req
1307. I was spitting blood
for three weeks.Copy !req
1308. You should try the
decaffeinated, Barry.Copy !req
1309. - This is great.
- Oh, wait. Don't tell me.Copy !req
1310. He seems
pretty harmless.Copy !req
1311. Come on, kid, sit down.
This is your chair.Copy !req
1312. This is your microphone.
Speak directly into it.Copy !req
1313. Keep your mouth about
six inches away from it.Copy !req
1314. These are your headphones so you can
hear the show. These are the ground rules.Copy !req
1315. - What?
- The ground rules.Copy !req
1316. No last names, no brand names,
no phone numbers over the air.Copy !req
1317. Other than that, act and speak normally.
This is Mr. Barry Champlain.Copy !req
1318. You're Barry.Copy !req
1319. - You got him.
- All right.Copy !req
1320. - What's wrong with him? - He's star
struck. - Hey, kid, say something.Copy !req
1321. - I need a level.
- Check, check. Check one.Copy !req
1322. Here we go on five,Copy !req
1323. - four, three, two, one.
- Stu.Copy !req
1324. Strap in, bitch.
Here we go.Copy !req
1325. We're back. I'm Barry Champlain.
You're listening to Night Talk.Copy !req
1326. We have a very special
guest with us tonight.Copy !req
1327. Kent. Say hello
to everybody, Kent.Copy !req
1328. All right.Copy !req
1329. My sentiments exactly.Copy !req
1330. We've brought Kent on board to get an
inside look at the future of America.Copy !req
1331. Kent is the classic
American youth...Copy !req
1332. energetic and resourceful,
spoiled, perverse and disturbed.Copy !req
1333. - Would you say that's an accurate
description, Kent? - Yep, sure.Copy !req
1334. - What do you call that haircut?
- I don't know. Rock and roll!Copy !req
1335. Are you high right now,
Kent?Copy !req
1336. - Am I high?
- Are you on drugs,Copy !req
1337. or is this your naturally
moronic self?Copy !req
1338. Watch the drool. You're
getting it all over the console.Copy !req
1339. I can't believe
I'm here, man.Copy !req
1340. Hey. Wow.
Does this thing really work?Copy !req
1341. You're sitting in
a radio station, Kent.Copy !req
1342. You're sitting in front
of a live mike.Copy !req
1343. When you speak, thousands
of people hear your voice.Copy !req
1344. It penetrates their minds.Copy !req
1345. Okay, okay.
No, listen.Copy !req
1346. I wanna send that one out to Diamond
Dave and Billy the bass player...Copy !req
1347. and all the babes at
the Valley View Mall.Copy !req
1348. We're discussing
America here tonight, Kent.Copy !req
1349. Do you have any thoughts
on that subject?Copy !req
1350. - Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1351. I broke your train of thought. Please,
keep going. This is exhilarating.Copy !req
1352. No, I know.Copy !req
1353. It's not like I'm not political
or nothin'. You know, I mean...Copy !req
1354. I like Bruce.
He's political.Copy !req
1355. Bruce Springsteen, yes.
A very deep, political thinker.Copy !req
1356. He's a communist, isn't he?Copy !req
1357. No, he's from New Jersey.Copy !req
1358. - His ex is pretty nice.
- Mm-hmm. Whose ex?Copy !req
1359. Bruce's. Bruce Springsteen's
wife. Yes, what about her?Copy !req
1360. Julienne.
Hi, Julienne.Copy !req
1361. She was a model.
You know that, Bar?Copy !req
1362. All those guys
got models, Bar.Copy !req
1363. I mean, Mick and Jerry,
Keith and Patty,Copy !req
1364. Prince and...Copy !req
1365. Prince.Copy !req
1366. - You know, Bar,
- Bingo.Copy !req
1367. models only hang around with
guys they think are coolest.Copy !req
1368. Look at you, man. You're a
big guy, famous star and all.Copy !req
1369. I mean, you got that fine
babe right over there...Copy !req
1370. who works for you, man.Copy !req
1371. So hey, if you got some
cash and you're cool,Copy !req
1372. you get to have a model.Copy !req
1373. So you wouldn't call yourself a
women's libber then, Kent, huh?Copy !req
1374. Yeah, I would, Bar. I mean,
everybody being liberated, you know.Copy !req
1375. Women, South Africans,
all those kind of people, you know.Copy !req
1376. I saw a show
about all that stuff...Copy !req
1377. about how revolution's
a pretty important thing.Copy !req
1378. We're gonna have a lot more
revolutions where people get together,Copy !req
1379. solidarity and that and...Copy !req
1380. You know,
like that song by Megadeath.Copy !req
1381. Hey, plus...
Oh, I saw this other show...Copy !req
1382. about how in the future they're
gonna have these two-way TV sets.Copy !req
1383. People will be able to see
each other and everything.Copy !req
1384. And then there's, like, no way they're
gonna be able to stop the revolution.Copy !req
1385. Who won't be able
to stop it, Kent?Copy !req
1386. Big Brother, the government,
corporations.Copy !req
1387. They're a bunch of fascists. They
wanna control everybody's mind.Copy !req
1388. But, hey, freedom's
an important thing,Copy !req
1389. just like you
always say, Bar.Copy !req
1390. You say
the best things, Bar.Copy !req
1391. I listen to you
all the time.Copy !req
1392. - You're great.
- Kent, you're an idiot.Copy !req
1393. I sincerely hope you do not
represent the future of this country,Copy !req
1394. because if you do
we are in sad shape.Copy !req
1395. Bar, man,
you're so funny, man.Copy !req
1396. That's why I love to listen to your show.
That's why all the kids listen to you, man.Copy !req
1397. Plus, these goons
push you around, you know.Copy !req
1398. All the kids
listen to you, Bar.Copy !req
1399. You are the best thing
on the radio!Copy !req
1400. Kent, we discuss a lot of
serious subjects on this show...Copy !req
1401. sad things, frightening
things, tragic things.Copy !req
1402. Doesn't any of that
bother you?Copy !req
1403. Nope.Copy !req
1404. Why not?Copy !req
1405. - It's just a show. - It's one
big rock video, huh, Kent?Copy !req
1406. Yeah!Copy !req
1407. No.
Come on, Bar.Copy !req
1408. It's your show.Copy !req
1409. Yeah, that it is, that it is.
It's my show.Copy !req
1410. Let's go back to the callers
on my show.Copy !req
1411. Uh, Julia,
you're on Night Talk.Copy !req
1412. Barry, hello.
Now, you know, darlin',Copy !req
1413. I think these people who've
been callin' you tonight...Copy !req
1414. are a bunch of
I don't know what's.Copy !req
1415. It's crazy. And that crazy kid you
got on there, now, that's terrible.Copy !req
1416. I've been listenin' to your show
for five years straight, Barry,Copy !req
1417. and I love you and your show.Copy !req
1418. I think it's terrific that more
folks are gonna be listenin'.Copy !req
1419. I just hope you have time for
your longtime friends there, Bar.Copy !req
1420. I always have time
for my friends, Julia.Copy !req
1421. Aw, you're terrific.Copy !req
1422. Your show's terrific.
I don't know what else to say.Copy !req
1423. Well, tell me something, Julia,
since you listen all the time.Copy !req
1424. What is it you like
about the show?Copy !req
1425. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
1426. A lot of things.Copy !req
1427. - Well, what, for instance?
- Well, I love you, Bar.Copy !req
1428. Uh-huh, that's a given. Okay,
what about me do you love?Copy !req
1429. - Well, you're very funny.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
1430. And I love to hear you talk about
all the things you have to say.Copy !req
1431. Yeah, yeah, okay.
Let's get back to the show.Copy !req
1432. The show must serve some
kind of purpose for you.Copy !req
1433. - Well, now, I wouldn't say that.
- What would you say?Copy !req
1434. - Well, I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?Copy !req
1435. You said that at least five times
already. What don't you know?Copy !req
1436. You've been listening to this show for five
years. You don't know why you listen to it?Copy !req
1437. - Well, I just said...
- I heard what you just said.Copy !req
1438. You said you don't know why you listen
to this show. Why don't I tell you why.Copy !req
1439. You listen so that you can feel
superior to the other losers who call in!Copy !req
1440. - Barry!
- Don't "Barry" me!Copy !req
1441. You've got sawdust between your ears
instead of brains. Just listen to you!Copy !req
1442. If I sounded as stupid as you, I'd be
too embarrassed to open my mouth!Copy !req
1443. - I'm hanging up!
- Good, and don't call back.Copy !req
1444. Nothing more boring
than people who love you.Copy !req
1445. Yeah, you're on Night Talk.Copy !req
1446. I just have one thing
to ask you, Barry.Copy !req
1447. Hit me.Copy !req
1448. - Are you as ugly-looking
as you sound? - Uglier.Copy !req
1449. Yeah, I thought you'd
say something like that.Copy !req
1450. But as usual,
you avoid the question.Copy !req
1451. - What's the question?
- I think you know the question.Copy !req
1452. - Is an animal a vegetable or a mineral?
- The question is obvious.Copy !req
1453. Why does an intelligent fellow
like yourself...Copy !req
1454. spend so much energy
hurting other people?Copy !req
1455. Hmm?
Do you not love yourself?Copy !req
1456. I think you're very
lonely, Barry.Copy !req
1457. I'm sorry for you, because
you don't know how to love.Copy !req
1458. Night Talk.
Ralph.Copy !req
1459. They always say that,
don't they?Copy !req
1460. "Why are you so angry"?Copy !req
1461. Well, they don't understand
me and you, Barry.Copy !req
1462. We're the kind of people,
we feel too much.Copy !req
1463. Are we, Ralph?Copy !req
1464. Yeah, my name is Cheryl Ann.
I'll hold.Copy !req
1465. Who knows? I mean,
take, for instance, cancer.Copy !req
1466. - What is cancer?
- What are you doing, Ellen?Copy !req
1467. - He's all alone out there.
- So what?Copy !req
1468. He's going down
in flames, Dan.Copy !req
1469. It's Barry's show, Ellen.Copy !req
1470. Let Barry do
Barry's show.Copy !req
1471. Well, what are they gonna do
with my TV set?Copy !req
1472. We watch it. That's what
people do with TV sets.Copy !req
1473. What do they see? They see people
killing people, babies starving, floods.Copy !req
1474. And for what?
For nothing!Copy !req
1475. For beer commercials
and Tampax ads,Copy !req
1476. MTV, a yacht, the ocean,Copy !req
1477. a diamond earring,
a racehorse.Copy !req
1478. Well, I guess so.Copy !req
1479. I guess so. All I know is
what I read in the papers.Copy !req
1480. And that's a lot of talk.
Barry, it's talk. Talk, talk, talk.Copy !req
1481. - Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk!- Ralph, Ralph, Ralph!Copy !req
1482. Tell me something.
I'm curious.Copy !req
1483. How do you dial a phone
with a straightjacket on?Copy !req
1484. Barry.Copy !req
1485. I don't know much about God
and I never was very religious,Copy !req
1486. but you can't help feeling
like something is wrong,Copy !req
1487. like nobody's
driving the train,Copy !req
1488. the system,Copy !req
1489. 'cause too many people
are gettin' sick.Copy !req
1490. And the traffic,
it's just jamming up.Copy !req
1491. And even the weather,
not so good lately.Copy !req
1492. Barry, I just don't... I don't
get it, Barry. I just don't get it.Copy !req
1493. You don't get it, wimp? Here's
what you get! You get $1.59.Copy !req
1494. - That's it. - Go down to the drugstore,
buy a pack of razor blades,Copy !req
1495. and slash your
fuckin' wrists, pinhead!Copy !req
1496. That's it, kid.
Come on.Copy !req
1497. - What?
- Get him out of here, now!Copy !req
1498. Hey, Barry!Copy !req
1499. Get the fuck off me,
you fuckin' son of a bitch!Copy !req
1500. Thank you, Dallas!
Good night!Copy !req
1501. You alright, Barry?
Standby.Copy !req
1502. I'm confused, Barry.Copy !req
1503. What did you say
your name was?Copy !req
1504. Cheryl Ann.Copy !req
1505. It's about my ex-husband.Copy !req
1506. He's back in town and, well,
I haven't seen him for a while.Copy !req
1507. What are you confused about,
Cheryl Ann?Copy !req
1508. Well, let me first say...Copy !req
1509. that I left my ex-husband
for very good reasons.Copy !req
1510. Did it... Let's not
get into them, okay?Copy !req
1511. And he's anything
but perfect.Copy !req
1512. He smokes, he drinks,
he loves to argue.Copy !req
1513. - Sounds like my kind of guy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1514. He is a little bit like you.Copy !req
1515. Yeah, well, we gotta move
it along here, Cheryl Ann.Copy !req
1516. You wanna get to the point?Copy !req
1517. I have, um,
feelings for him.Copy !req
1518. What kind of feelings?Copy !req
1519. Nice feelings.Copy !req
1520. Um...Copy !req
1521. This is hard to say.Copy !req
1522. Sexual feelings?Copy !req
1523. It's not just that.
I mean, yes, of course, but...Copy !req
1524. I still love him.Copy !req
1525. It's not the same
with my husband.Copy !req
1526. We had something,Copy !req
1527. and... I want him.Copy !req
1528. I want him inside of me.Copy !req
1529. I want to take care of him.Copy !req
1530. I want to be with him.Copy !req
1531. You wanna be close to him.Copy !req
1532. Yes.Copy !req
1533. You wanna hold him.Copy !req
1534. Oh, yes.Copy !req
1535. You wanna relive the
feelings you two had.Copy !req
1536. Yes, Barry.Copy !req
1537. You don't love
your husband?Copy !req
1538. No.
Well, I...Copy !req
1539. You tell him
that you love him.Copy !req
1540. You lie to him and you
tell him that you love him.Copy !req
1541. I do love him.Copy !req
1542. I love him as a friend.Copy !req
1543. Friend.Copy !req
1544. Everyone's your friend.Copy !req
1545. Not like my ex-husband.Copy !req
1546. There's a passion there
for his soul and...Copy !req
1547. I... I thought I wanted a
simple life, but I... I was wrong.Copy !req
1548. I want my old life back.Copy !req
1549. Sounds like you
made a mistake.Copy !req
1550. Should've stuck with
the first guy.Copy !req
1551. Yeah, well, what was I
supposed to do?Copy !req
1552. I love you, Barry.Copy !req
1553. Ever hear the story of the little
dog who had a bone in his mouth?Copy !req
1554. And he's trotting over this
bridge and he looks over...Copy !req
1555. and sees his reflection
in the water.Copy !req
1556. Thinks it's another dog.Copy !req
1557. That dog has a bone
in his mouth too.Copy !req
1558. The dog wants both bones, so he
barks at the little dog in the water,Copy !req
1559. trying to scare him.Copy !req
1560. Bone drops out of his mouth.Copy !req
1561. Loses both bones.Copy !req
1562. What has that got to do
with what I just said?Copy !req
1563. Babe, I don't know
what to tell you.Copy !req
1564. You blew it!Copy !req
1565. You know, women like you
are never happy.Copy !req
1566. What do you want me to say? Leave
your husband? Go back to your ex?Copy !req
1567. Your ex doesn't want you.Copy !req
1568. He's got women all over the
place. He doesn't need you.Copy !req
1569. He's not some suburban zombie like
your husband. He's out there having fun.Copy !req
1570. Did you ever think of that? Maybe
your ex-husband doesn't want you?Copy !req
1571. - Hmm? - He came on to me.
He said he wanted me.Copy !req
1572. - You're lying again.
- He said he still loved me.Copy !req
1573. You're lying! You're a sexually
unsatisfied woman living in a dream world!Copy !req
1574. I feel sorry for you!Copy !req
1575. So why don't you stick
with Mr. America there,Copy !req
1576. go out and buy yourself a heavy-duty
vibrator, and knock yourself out.Copy !req
1577. We reap what we sow.Copy !req
1578. Follow me, Cheryl Ann?Copy !req
1579. Probably frigid.
And we have Theresa on the line.Copy !req
1580. The day will come
for you, Barry.Copy !req
1581. And there will be
a reckoning,Copy !req
1582. an adding up
and a totaling.Copy !req
1583. Those who turned away
will be turned upon.Copy !req
1584. And I don't care what
your story is, Barry.Copy !req
1585. You are responsible, and there
will be no confusion at your trial.Copy !req
1586. It will be short,
and necks will crack.Copy !req
1587. The whips will strip your back
bare to the bone,Copy !req
1588. and your children
will cry for you...Copy !req
1589. as they are slaughtered
before your eyes.Copy !req
1590. You...Copy !req
1591. The Jews will hang high
over the streets.Copy !req
1592. You will be buried in piles.Copy !req
1593. You dig your own holes.Copy !req
1594. I am here merely to tell you
that the day will come.Copy !req
1595. It will.Copy !req
1596. Believe it or not,
you make perfect sense to me.Copy !req
1597. I should hang.Copy !req
1598. I'm a hypocrite.Copy !req
1599. I ask for sincerity,
and I lie.Copy !req
1600. I denounce the system
as I embrace it.Copy !req
1601. I want money and power
and prestige.Copy !req
1602. I want ratings and success.Copy !req
1603. I don't give a damn about you
or the world. That's the truth.Copy !req
1604. For this, I could say I'm sorry,
but I won't. Why should I?Copy !req
1605. I mean, who the hell are
you anyways, you audience?Copy !req
1606. You're on me every night
like a pack of wolves,Copy !req
1607. 'cause you can't stand facing
what you are and what you've made.Copy !req
1608. Yes, the world
is a terrible place.Copy !req
1609. Yes, cancer and garbage
disposals will get you.Copy !req
1610. Yes, a war is coming.Copy !req
1611. Yes, the world is shot to hell,
and you're all goners.Copy !req
1612. Everything's screwed up and
you like it that way, don't you?Copy !req
1613. You're fascinated
by the gory details.Copy !req
1614. You're mesmerized
by your own fear.Copy !req
1615. You revel in floods,
car accidents.Copy !req
1616. Unstoppable diseases.Copy !req
1617. You're happiest when
others are in pain.Copy !req
1618. That's where I come in,
isn't it?Copy !req
1619. I'm here to lead you by the
hands through the dark forest...Copy !req
1620. of your own hatred and
anger and humiliation.Copy !req
1621. I'm providing a public service.Copy !req
1622. You're so scared.Copy !req
1623. You're like a little child
under the covers.Copy !req
1624. You're afraid of the bogeyman,
but you can't live without him.Copy !req
1625. Your fear, your own lives,
have become your entertainment.Copy !req
1626. Next month, millions of people are
gonna be listening to this show,Copy !req
1627. and you'll have
nothing to talk about!Copy !req
1628. Marvelous technology
is at our disposal.Copy !req
1629. Instead of reaching up to new heights,
we're gonna see how far down we can go.Copy !req
1630. How deep into the muck
we can immerse ourselves.Copy !req
1631. What do you wanna
talk about, hmm?Copy !req
1632. Baseball scores?Copy !req
1633. Your pet?Copy !req
1634. Orgasms?Copy !req
1635. You're pathetic.Copy !req
1636. I despise each and
every one of you.Copy !req
1637. You got nothing,Copy !req
1638. absolutely nothing.Copy !req
1639. No brains, no power, no future.Copy !req
1640. No hope.Copy !req
1641. No God.Copy !req
1642. The only thing you
believe in is me.Copy !req
1643. What are you if
you don't have me?Copy !req
1644. I'm not afraid, see?Copy !req
1645. I come in every night, make my case,
make my point, say what I believe in!Copy !req
1646. I tell you what you are.
I have to. I have no choice.Copy !req
1647. You frighten me.Copy !req
1648. I come here every night, tear into
you, I abuse you, I insult you,Copy !req
1649. and you just keep
coming back for more.Copy !req
1650. What's wrong with you?
Why do you keep calling?Copy !req
1651. I don't wanna hear it anymore.
Stop talking!Copy !req
1652. Go away!Copy !req
1653. But you're a yellow-bellied,
spineless, bigoted,Copy !req
1654. quivering, drunken,
insomniatic,Copy !req
1655. paranoid, disgusting, perverted,
voyeuristic, little obscene phone callers.Copy !req
1656. That's what you are.Copy !req
1657. Well, to hell with you.Copy !req
1658. I don't need your fear and your
stupidity. You don't get it.Copy !req
1659. It's wasted on you.Copy !req
1660. Pearls before swine.Copy !req
1661. If one person out there, had any
idea of what I'm talking about...Copy !req
1662. I...Copy !req
1663. Fred, you're on Night Talk.Copy !req
1664. Yes.
You see, Barry,Copy !req
1665. I know it's depressing that so many
people don't understand you're just joking.Copy !req
1666. Jackie, you're on Night Talk.Copy !req
1667. Hello. I've been listening for years,
and I find you a warm and intelligent...Copy !req
1668. Arnold.Copy !req
1669. What you were saying before about
loneliness, I'm an electrical engineer...Copy !req
1670. - Lucy. - My mother is from Waco and wants
to know if you went to high school...Copy !req
1671. - Larry. - Why do people insist
on calling homosexuals normal?Copy !req
1672. - Ralph!
- I'm in my house.Copy !req
1673. I'm at home,Copy !req
1674. which is where
you should be, Barry.Copy !req
1675. Hey, I'm not far away.
You could come over if you want.Copy !req
1676. We're the same kind of people.Copy !req
1677. I have beer, soup.Copy !req
1678. I'm here.Copy !req
1679. Come over later.Copy !req
1680. I'll wait.Copy !req
1681. Barry, there's 60 seconds
left in the show.Copy !req
1682. This is dead air, Barry.Copy !req
1683. Dead air.Copy !req
1684. I guess we're stuck
with each other.Copy !req
1685. This is Barry Champlain.Copy !req
1686. Barry.Copy !req
1687. That was great.
I feel very good about this.Copy !req
1688. I'm gonna talk to the lawyers, and we'll
get started on this deal right away.Copy !req
1689. We're gonna be seeing
a lot more of each other.Copy !req
1690. I'll be in touch.Copy !req
1691. Barry.Copy !req
1692. That was great.Copy !req
1693. You pulled it off, champ.
Congratulations.Copy !req
1694. I'll see you tomorrow.Copy !req
1695. Dan.Copy !req
1696. What if I don't come in
tomorrow night?Copy !req
1697. You'll come in tomorrow,
Barry.Copy !req
1698. You always do.Copy !req
1699. - She left, huh?
- Yep. I don't blame her.Copy !req
1700. Her best line was, "Barry
Champlain's a nice place to visit,Copy !req
1701. but I wouldn't want
to live there. "Copy !req
1702. The show's a washout, Stu.Copy !req
1703. Give me a break, will you?
We're going national, man.Copy !req
1704. Besides, it's not that important.
It's just one show.Copy !req
1705. - If it's not that important, why am
I doing it? - I don't know, Barry.Copy !req
1706. You don't like the heights,
don't climb the mountains.Copy !req
1707. You know what I mean?
It's like that kid just said:Copy !req
1708. "Man, this is your show. "Copy !req
1709. Where you headed?Copy !req
1710. I don't know. Go to
Ellen's hotel, try to talk.Copy !req
1711. That's good.
Tomorrow, Barry.Copy !req
1712. Before I take the first
caller this evening,Copy !req
1713. - Tomorrow, Stu. - I'd like to
comment on something I saw...Copy !req
1714. in the parking lot on the
way into the station.Copy !req
1715. - There was a man standing there...
- Walk you to your car?Copy !req
1716. obviously mentally disturbed.Copy !req
1717. It made me think about something
we don't often talk about.Copy !req
1718. Wanna grab a burger,
just talk?Copy !req
1719. I'm too old for you,
Laura.Copy !req
1720. Ow.Copy !req
1721. I mean, you don't
know about Vietnam,Copy !req
1722. Easy Rider, Beatles.Copy !req
1723. Start over, Grandpa.Copy !req
1724. I can't.Copy !req
1725. I'm inside this thing.Copy !req
1726. You're not.Copy !req
1727. You know what
my greatest fear is?Copy !req
1728. Being boring.Copy !req
1729. You're not boring.Copy !req
1730. I'm afraid that the whole
audience is gonna get up and leave.Copy !req
1731. I get confused sometimes
about this love stuff.Copy !req
1732. I don't know what people mean
when they say that they're in love,Copy !req
1733. but...Copy !req
1734. but I do know that I don't think
you're the bad guy you think you are.Copy !req
1735. Yes, I am.Copy !req
1736. I'll take a rain check
on that burger.Copy !req
1737. Excuse me, Barry.
Barry. Mr. Champlain.Copy !req
1738. I hate to bother you. Do you think
you could give me an autograph, please?Copy !req
1739. - Some show tonight.
- Sure.Copy !req
1740. - What'd you say your name was?
- You're dead, fucker.Copy !req
1741. You come on down
to these parts,Copy !req
1742. you start telling people their
business and insulting their race,Copy !req
1743. you end up like Champlain,
I'll tell you that right now.Copy !req
1744. I listened to his show the
night that he was killed.Copy !req
1745. There was this drug-crazed
kid bothering him.Copy !req
1746. When people smoke that crack
stuff, they go berserk, you know?Copy !req
1747. I hope they catch
that kid.Copy !req
1748. But they ought to listen to
that show. He was on the air.Copy !req
1749. I didn't think he was gonna
get shot or anything,Copy !req
1750. but that show was strange.Copy !req
1751. I mean, I got to be on his show the
last day. That was his last show.Copy !req
1752. I feel kinda like my whole
life is different, you know?Copy !req
1753. Like I'm kinda blessed.Copy !req
1754. But like I told Barry,
you know, I mean, hey,Copy !req
1755. life is kinda just like a
big party thrown by God,Copy !req
1756. and I'm the new
toastmaster, Bar.Copy !req
1757. Like Barry always said,Copy !req
1758. if you didn't like him,
turn him off.Copy !req
1759. But they didn't have
to kill him.Copy !req
1760. I think that young boy that had come
in on the show, I think he did it.Copy !req
1761. I'll tell you how
I feel about it.Copy !req
1762. I think if you steal something,
they oughta cut your hands off.Copy !req
1763. If you rape somebody, they ought
a cut your you-know-what off.Copy !req
1764. I never called him.Copy !req
1765. And now I'm sorry.Copy !req
1766. He never even
hung up on me.Copy !req
1767. I miss him. You know how when
you have a cast on your arm...Copy !req
1768. and they cut it off,
you miss having it?Copy !req
1769. He was like a cast
on my arm. I miss him.Copy !req
1770. He was like a hot-fudge
sundae with fresh pecans.Copy !req
1771. Now, I knew I shouldn't listen
to him 'cause he always got me...Copy !req
1772. so dog-dang riled up till I
was like to smash my radio.Copy !req
1773. He did a whole show once on which
way to roll your toilet paper.Copy !req
1774. Over or under?
People responded for hours.Copy !req
1775. Some got so angry,
they hung up.Copy !req
1776. I called almost every night.
I loved Barry.Copy !req
1777. Didn't care much for the fellow
who answered the phone, though.Copy !req
1778. You know, he always forgot
I was waiting on the line.Copy !req
1779. Didn't I read he was having some
kind of problem with his wife?Copy !req
1780. Yes, he was
insensitive and nasty,Copy !req
1781. but he was a strong,
masculine presence on the radio.Copy !req
1782. Why would anyone
do such a thing?Copy !req
1783. Oh, well, there's another
bright star in God's heaven.Copy !req
1784. My view is that you don't give
a group like the neo-Nazis...Copy !req
1785. access to the airways
like he did.Copy !req
1786. Basically, I couldn't stand
Barry Champlain.Copy !req
1787. - I was in love with his voice.
- I was in love with his voice.Copy !req
1788. He was in love
with his own voice.Copy !req
1789. My first thought was that I couldn't
believe anyone could hate him that much.Copy !req
1790. Disagree or dislike,
but not hate him. Not kill him.Copy !req
1791. My second thought was...Copy !req
1792. that he always wondered
if there was a God.Copy !req
1793. Barry said he had to wait
until the evidence was in.Copy !req
1794. Now you know, Barry.Copy !req
1795. Now you know.Copy !req
1796. Now, we know that whatever the law
says, it speaks to those under the law...Copy !req
1797. so that every mouth
maybe stopped...Copy !req
1798. and the whole world may
be held accountable to God.Copy !req
1799. The world is crazy, crazy!Copy !req
1800. Barry was rude, but
he was a funny guy too.Copy !req
1801. He insulted my mother
when I called,Copy !req
1802. but this is why we have
freedom of speech.Copy !req
1803. I hope that when
they remember Barry,Copy !req
1804. they remember
what he said...Copy !req
1805. and not the style
in which he said it.Copy !req
1806. It was karmic.Copy !req
1807. You just can't put out
that much bad karma...Copy !req
1808. without it coming
back at you.Copy !req
1809. Barry and I worked together
for over seven years.Copy !req
1810. Whenever you threatened him over the air,
man, he'd stick it right back in your face.Copy !req
1811. It was like his dick
was flapping in the wing...Copy !req
1812. and he liked to see if
he could get an erection.Copy !req
1813. The guy had a little dick,
but he liked to flap it out there.Copy !req
1814. Then they cut if off.
Now he's dead.Copy !req
1815. I don't know if you
understand that analogy,Copy !req
1816. but it's the clearest
one I can make.Copy !req