1. Tales from the Crypt!
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2. I did it, Jack.
I did it.
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3. And you know what?
It got me hot.
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4. No, I'm not kidding.
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5. You should have seen the look on Carl's face
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6. when I buried that axe in his chest.
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7. Killing him was almost better than sex.
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8. I said almost, didn't I?
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9. We are going to have so much fun
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10. spending all of his money, aren't we, baby?
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11. Just thinking about it gets me all
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12. hot and squishy.
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13. You mean right now?
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14. He's in the basement cooling off.
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15. What took you so long?
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16. Jesus, Jack, what kind of cologne...?
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17. Cut!
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18. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
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19. What the hell are you doing?
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20. You call that "hack-ting"?
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21. Well, yes.
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22. As a matter of fact I do call it acting.
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23. Well, let me tell you something, pal.
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24. You're no "Gorey" Cooper.
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25. You ain't even a
Robert "Deadford."
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26. Another take like that and
it'll be back to bit parts for you.
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27. And I won't say what bits I'm talking about.
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28. Hmph! Alright,
everybody, reset!
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29. Reset, guys...
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30. Director?
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31. Where the hell did they dig this guy up?
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32. I give and I give and I...
Oh!
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33. Hello, kiddies.
So glad you could join me.
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34. Your old pal the Crypt Keeper
has gone Hollywood in a big way.
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35. Care to see what I've been working on?
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36. So if you're ready, creeps,
fasten your drool cups
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37. and hold on to your vomit bags.
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38. We're going to the movies!
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39. Frights! Camera!
Action!
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40. I call this one Demon Knight.
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41. Come on!
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42. Son of a bitch!
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43. Come on, you son of a bitch!
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44. On, shit!
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45. Whatcha doin, mister?
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46. - Are you stealing my daddy's car?
- Stealin?
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47. No, I was testing the lock.
Seems to be working just fine.
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48. Hey, kid, you want a quarter?
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49. How about a shiny new quarter?
You want one?
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50. Come on.
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51. Dad, there's a guy outside stealing your car!
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52. Hey, Dad, hurry up.
Get out here!
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53. - Homer, go, go, 90...
- He's gone!
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54. Boy, listen to that thunder.
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55. God's doing some serious thinking tonight.
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56. I'll bet he's saying,
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57. "On second thought,
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58. maybe I should have given
it all to the monkeys."
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59. Maybe it's not to late.
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60. I always hate drinking alone.
You want a taste?
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61. Sure.
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62. To the monkeys.
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63. It ain't very subtle, but it does the trick.
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64. You wouldn't happen to know of a place
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65. where I could bed down for the night, would you?
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66. Well, it just so happens I do.
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67. That's two cars, Sheriff?
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68. That's right, Mavis.
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69. Yeah, one of em's got Maryland plates,
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70. and the other one's from New Jersey.
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71. - Ten-four.
- Ten-four.
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72. You were right, Sheriff.
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73. Them sons of bitches must have
been doing well over a hundred
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74. to make a mess like this.
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75. Well, Bob, it's too late to give them a ticket.
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76. But if it'll make you feel any better,
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77. you can shoot their ashes.
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78. What them?
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79. Holy shit!
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80. Hey, mister, get away from there.
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81. - Where the hell you come from?
- This is my car.
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82. Was my car.
Did you see him?
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83. Walking into town, the guy I was chasing?
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84. Air bags, gotta love em.
Did you see him?
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85. - We didn't see anybody.
- Now wait a minute.
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86. Are you telling me that guy over there
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87. walked out of here too?
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88. Hey, where the hell are you goin?
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89. You got a few questions to answer.
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90. Look, officers, the man I'm
chasing now is dangerous.
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91. If he's in your town, you got a problem.
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92. Now if we stand here arguing
about a traffic accident...
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93. Do you mind?
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94. Something awful's about
to go clown... over there.
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95. Is that where we're going?
It looks like a church.
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96. That's it.
Used to be a church.
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97. Ain't a church no more.
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98. They decommissioned it in the 50s
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99. due to lack of interest.
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100. Just the place I've been looking for.
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101. Gangway, I'm bringing in business.
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102. What kind of business?
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103. Well, I think he's looking for
a room of his own, Cordelia.
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104. - You been drinking, Uncle Willy?
- You must be kidding.
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105. - I'm clean as a whistle, Irene.
- How long you wanting the room for?
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106. I don't know.
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107. One night, maybe two.
Depends.
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108. I never rent short-term,
and I don't rent to strangers.
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109. But I can make exceptions.
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110. Okay.
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111. Enjoy your stay, Mr...
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112. Mr. Smith.
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113. Jeryline! Jeryline!
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114. Jeryline, I mean now!
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115. Look, Irene, I'm trying to clean your stove.
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116. Alright, now do you expect
me to get my work done
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117. if you keep bothering me?
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118. You've been working so hard
with them clean rubber gloves?
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119. Show Mr. Smith up to number five.
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120. And then fix him some dinner.
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121. And after that, I got a few more jobs for you.
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122. This time I'm gonna watch you.
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123. I want it right the first time,
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124. and that's all there is to it.
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125. It's my way or the highway.
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126. Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
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127. Alright, let's see.
What do I need to tell you?
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128. What am I looking at?
Which way is town?
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129. Town is that way, and you're looking at nothing.
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130. But I'm sure you didn't come
here for a view, now did you?
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131. But here's your key.
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132. And the concierge will bring
up your bags momentarily.
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133. I don't see how they could fire you, Wally.
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134. You didn't do anything.
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135. That's what I told them
but they don't listen to me.
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136. Cordelia, I don't know what
happened to all that mail.
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137. As far as I know it just disappeared,
but they won't believe me.
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138. God! It's so humiliating.
Do you know what he did?
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139. - Uh-uh.
- Postmaster comes in...
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140. and he rips my name tag right off my shirt.
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141. Right in front of everybody.
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142. And like that's not bad enough,
he took my Mr. Zippy patch.
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143. You should have told your damn
boss to go screw hisself.
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144. Stupid post office.
Ain't the only job in town, you know.
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145. The hell it ain't.
If you had any sense, Wally,
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146. you'd crawl back to him on your hands and knees
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147. and beg for the job.
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148. Yeah, well, I already tried that.
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149. He said no.
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150. Oh, poor Wally.
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151. Where is that girl?
Jeryline!
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152. - What is it?
- Are my sheets done yet?
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153. They're downstairs.
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154. And I couldn't get all those stains out, either.
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155. Damn guacamole.
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156. Would you just be a sweet thing
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157. and put them on my bed for me?
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158. Why can't you do it yourself?
You know I'm busy.
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159. Jeryline, get her sheets, will you?
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160. No, I just started that stove
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161. and I can't do everything at once.
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162. I'll get them for you, Cordelia.
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163. Good.
Damn.
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164. That's very sweet of you, Wally.
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165. - Put them on your bed?
- Thanks.
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166. Oh, poor guy.
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167. Maybe I should give him a freebie.
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168. Just what he needs, someone else screwing him.
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169. To be perfectly honest,
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170. I wasn't really watching the speedometer.
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171. Exactly why were you chasing him?
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172. He's a thief.
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173. What the hell did he steal
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174. that had you going over 100 miles an hour?
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175. Must have been pretty valuable.
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176. It is.
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177. - Sheriff?
- Yeah, Mavis, go ahead.
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178. We just got a call from Homer over at the café.
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179. He says somebody tried to steal his car.
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180. Okay, we're on it.
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181. - You want some?
- Hell, no.
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182. I was just thinking how much better
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183. that stuff looked when it was roadkill.
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184. Why don't you shut up?
You eat it.
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185. - She loves me.
- You hurry up and finish and...
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186. I'll take care of dessert.
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187. Ah, don't worry.
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188. Good Cleo knows better than to eat that slop.
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189. Goddamn it! Get that
pussy off the table.
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190. I meant the cat.
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191. Cleo!
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192. Didn't I tell you to put him out?
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193. I did. I don't know how
she got back in here.
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194. You finish cleaning the stove,
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195. or you too busy shooting the breeze?
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196. Irene, for Christ's sakes,
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197. I'll finish cleaning it tomorrow.
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198. I want it clean tonight.
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199. Remind me of that program you're on.
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200. It's called "work release," ain't it?
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201. I swear that girl ain't got
no goddamn gratitude.
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202. If I hadn't made a place for her,
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203. she'd be behind bars or dead.
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204. - Lucky kid.
- Mm-hm.
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205. You expecting somebody,
Mr. Smith?
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206. Evenin, motel people.
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207. You kept me waiting, Roach, honey.
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208. I'll tell you the reason I'm late.
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209. Somebody tried to steal Homer's car.
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210. You're kiddin?
That old hunk of junk?
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211. Yeah.
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212. Right out of the diner parking lot.
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213. Sheriff and Deputy Dipshit showed up too.
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214. - Damn, you look sweet.
- Thank you, honey.
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215. You know, I've been
looking forward to this all week.
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216. That makes two of us, honey.
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217. Hey, what are those panties you got on there?
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218. I got the cherry flavor.
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219. Are those edible panties?
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220. You know, I want pieces
of panty in my salad later.
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221. Oh, Roach, you're so dirty!
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222. Why don't you set the basket
by the steps, Wally?
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223. She's gonna be needing clean sheets soon enough.
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224. Your boy did the right thing,
ma'am, you should be very...
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225. Okay, Homer, that about covers it.
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226. We'll let you know if we hear anything.
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227. Sheriff, you there?
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228. Go ahead, Mavis.
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229. I just got a call from Irene at the mission
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230. about that fellow you're looking for.
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231. - Let's go, Sheriff.
- Get in.
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232. He's really holding on tonight, isn't he?
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233. Okay.
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234. So what were you in for?
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235. I'm not passing judgment.
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236. - Stealin.
- Kay?
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237. Good evening, Irene.
Where is he?
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238. That's him, in the dining room.
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239. Excuse me, mister.
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240. We'd like to have a word with you
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241. about the little fender bender on the highway.
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242. Sheriff, you better
watch it. He's armed.
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243. Told you.
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244. - Drop the guns, or I'll kill her.
- Don't!
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245. - I said, drop your goddamn guns.
- He won't do it.
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246. The hell I won't.
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247. I know this man, Sheriff,
and he absolutely will not do it.
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248. Drop the knife.
Drop the goddamn knife!
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249. Her blood's on your head, asshole.
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250. Spread em!
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251. Well, well, well.
Mr. Brayker.
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252. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
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253. You lyin son of a bitch.
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254. Said his name was Smith.
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255. Call it in, Bob.
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256. I believe you'll find what
I'm looking for in there.
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257. What's he got to do with this?
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258. I'm... I work for a
collection agency.
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259. It's empty.
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260. Really?
That can't be.
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261. Well, then I guess that means
it's somewhere in the house.
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262. - Keep him away from me!
- Shut up!
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263. Where is it?
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264. I don't know what you're talking about.
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265. Don't give me that shit!
Where is it?
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266. Maybe it's up in his room.
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267. I mean, what you guys looking for?
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268. What the hell are we looking for anyway?
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269. A piece of antiquity.
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270. A relic...
in the shape of a key.
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271. - Bob!
- Yeah?
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272. - Search his room.
- It's number five.
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273. Come on, give it to me.
Come on.
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274. Give it to me.
Come on.
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275. Come on.
Crank me up.
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276. Come on.
God!
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277. - Freeze!
- Ohh!
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278. Jesus Christ, Bob, you son of a bitch!
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279. - Turn it off! Turn it off!
- I'm sorry, Baby.
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280. Oh! My nipples are smoking!
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281. Get your clothes on.
Now!
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282. - Good work, Mavis.
- Looky, looky.
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283. I didn't find anything in the perp's room,
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284. but I sure found something
in the room down the hall.
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285. Thanks, Mavis.
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286. Sorry to drag you folks down here,
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287. but we'll sort this thing out
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288. and then you can get back to your business.
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289. I am assuming it was
personal business, Cordelia.
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290. Actually, Sheriff...
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291. It was kind of like a
tune-up and lube job.
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292. - Shut up, Bob!
- I don't want to hear about it.
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293. You know how it is when you get your car...
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294. I don't want to hear it.
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295. Shut up, Bob.
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296. Now, Bob, this Brayker fella's
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297. getting more interesting by the minute.
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298. According to the computer,
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299. Frank Brayker died over five years ago.
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300. Who the hell are you?
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301. What's your name?
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302. Maybe if you cool your heels
in a jail cell for a few clays,
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303. you'll be a little more chatty.
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304. Come on, Bob.
Help me get him to the car.
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305. Before you drag him off,
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306. I'd appreciate getting back
what he stole from me.
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307. That way I can get on my way,
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308. and you can give this lowlife what he deserves.
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309. Why don't you tell us where you put it?
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310. You make it easy for me,
I'll make it easy for you.
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311. Mind you, you're off to a pretty bad start.
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312. I know where it is!
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313. Damn, it just occurred to me.
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314. Hell, I watched him stash it
and didn't even know it.
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315. - Willy, no!
- Relax!
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316. I'm sorry, mister.
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317. I'd like you to put it inside.
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318. Look what he's done.
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319. He's gone and put somethin awful inside there.
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320. Would you mind dumping that out
before you place it inside?
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321. Sure.
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322. No, don't do it.
He's not what he says he is.
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323. Willy! Willy!
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324. He's just...
Just pop that lid.
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325. I'll take that, Willy.
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326. Bob, would you
escort Mr. Brayker,
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327. or whatever the hell
his name is, out to the car?
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328. Sheriff, I have to say I am much obliged
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329. for your assistance in apprehending this...
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330. Don't bother.
You're coming with us.
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331. See, both those cars were stolen.
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332. We're going down to the station
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333. and we're going to sort this shit out.
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334. Sheriff, you're making a big mistake.
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335. It won't be the first time.
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336. Sorry for the inconvenience, everyone.
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337. Really, like the man said,
if you knew who I was...
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338. We'll find out soon enough.
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339. Why Wait?
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340. Give me the keys!
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341. Give me the goddamn keys!
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342. Ah, come on!
Get off me!
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343. Shit!
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344. Heads up!
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345. Humans! You're not worth
the flesh you're printed on!
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346. Fuck this cowboy shit!
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347. You fuckin, hodunk Podunk,
well, then, motherfuckers!
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348. All you had to do was give me the goddamn key!
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349. Then we could get on with our lives.
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350. Alright, this property...
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351. is hereby... condemned.
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352. Shit!
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353. What is that?
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354. - Oh, my God!
- Shit!
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355. Oh, great.
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356. What the hell happened with the lights?
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357. That's just what we need.
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358. They're gone.
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359. Everybody, back!
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360. Where do you suppose they went?
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361. What's that smell?
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362. Let's get out of here!
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363. There's more of them!
There's more of them!
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364. Yeah, shoot em.
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365. We'll go out the back door.
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366. Come on.
Let's go, come on.
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367. Hurry up...
Hurry up...
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368. Man, talk about ugly.
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369. Oh, that is disgusting.
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370. What the hell is that shit?
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371. I don't see them.
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372. - Do you see them?
- No.
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373. Where the fuck did they go?
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374. Cordelia, stay away from the door!
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375. You see what I mean?
We can make it to my truck.
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376. No, Roach, I don't think so.
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377. Listen! You can stay here
and die if you want to.
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378. I sure as shit ain't.
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379. Roach, be smart for once in your life.
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380. Cordelia!
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381. - Roach, wait.
- Just come on, would ya?
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382. - Fuck me!
- Cordelia, I'm coming!
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383. I'm sorry.
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384. Give me that gun!
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385. Hey, fuck-face!
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386. Get the eyes!
Get the eyes!
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387. Oh, Wally.
Wally. Oh, God.
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388. Need a hand?
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389. Give me the key, Brayker.
For cryin out loud!
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390. Braker? Braker,
this is gonna get ugly.
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391. Wally? Wally.
Please don't die, Wally.
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392. Wally?
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393. Oh!
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394. Cordelia!
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395. Brayker, what the hell are those things?
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396. Demons or something?
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397. Worse.
Demons.
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398. That's sweet.
That's just fuckin sweet!
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399. And they want to kill us because of you?
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400. Who's going to protect us?
You?
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401. Deputy Bob? Or the headless horsemen?
We'll be alright.
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402. Just stay inside and stay together.
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403. We just have to make it through the night.
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404. And that stuffs gonna keep them out?
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405. There are only two things
we can use against them.
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406. - The blood that's in this key...
- It's blood?
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407. And anything that destroys their eyes.
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408. Frees their tortured souls.
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409. - This is crazy!
- Deal with it!
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410. No, you deal with it, man.
They got no quarrel with us.
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411. They just want you and
that thing you're carrying.
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412. I say we give it to them.
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413. I say they'll kill you anyway.
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414. Or possess you.
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415. Or use you to get to the rest of us.
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416. Like it or not, we stick together.
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417. My cat's outside.
I gotta get my cat.
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418. You go out, you stay out.
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419. Is that so?
What are you gonna do?
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420. - Shoot us?
- Right in the eyes.
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421. Stay down here.
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422. I'm going to seal the upstairs.
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423. - Damn it!
- What are you doing up here?
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424. I thought I told you to stay downstairs.
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425. I just thought you might need some help.
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426. Look, I'm...
I'm sorry about your cat.
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427. And about before, with the knife,
I wasn't gonna hurt you.
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428. Funny thing is that I knew you weren't.
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429. I just had a feeling about you.
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430. - Can I ask you something?
- Yeah?
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431. Who are you, really?
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432. I'm just an old man...
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433. running out of time.
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434. Well, well, well.
Isn't this sweet?
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435. Soiled dove and her
square-jawed postal clerk.
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436. You're a bastard, you know that?
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437. I ain't the one who tried to kill you.
Copy !req
438. Shithead, you left me out there.
Copy !req
439. Who in the hell told you to follow me?
Copy !req
440. You're absolutely right.
Nobody.
Copy !req
441. At least now I know who my friends are.
Copy !req
442. Whores ain't got no friends.
Copy !req
443. That's all the doors and window sealed.
Copy !req
444. Any other ways in or out of this place?
Copy !req
445. Aside from the doors and windows?
Copy !req
446. Got some place you want us to put him?
Copy !req
447. Jeryline, let's go make some coffee.
Copy !req
448. Looks like we're in for a long night.
Copy !req
449. Where did you get that from?
Copy !req
450. It was my husband's.
Copy !req
451. Cleo! Hi, baby.
Copy !req
452. You let the cat in.
She just appeared.
Copy !req
453. Brayker, what are you doing?
Copy !req
454. Animals aren't immune.
Copy !req
455. They can be possessed just like people.
Copy !req
456. Give me the cat, come on.
Give me the cat! Shit.
Copy !req
457. What the hell's going on?
Copy !req
458. The cat.
The cat.
Copy !req
459. Brayker, please, my cat is not possessed
Copy !req
460. by some demon from hell.
Copy !req
461. We'll see.
Copy !req
462. - Listen.
- What?
Copy !req
463. Wally, I gotta talk to you for a second.
Copy !req
464. No, I got nothing to say to you, Roach.
Copy !req
465. Look, I just gotta talk to you for a second.
Copy !req
466. No, I don't want to talk to you
for a second or a minute.
Copy !req
467. Just go bother somebody else, okay?
Copy !req
468. Damn it, just for a second.
Copy !req
469. Okay, fine, you want to talk?
Copy !req
470. Let's talk about how you
abandoned Cordelia out there.
Copy !req
471. How you left her to die.
Huh?
Copy !req
472. I hope you're ashamed of yourself, Roach.
Copy !req
473. Not particularly, no.
Copy !req
474. Everybody's got to look out their selves.
Copy !req
475. Now I'm for getting out of here.
Copy !req
476. No one's going anywhere
till Mr. Brayker says so.
Copy !req
477. Hey, fuck him!
This is his fight.
Copy !req
478. You may want to die in this motel, but I don't.
Copy !req
479. I want to get that key,
Copy !req
480. and I want to give it to those things out there.
Copy !req
481. Hey, Roach.
Copy !req
482. Haven't you caused just about enough trouble?
Copy !req
483. Excuse me.
Copy !req
484. I'm trying to have a conversation
with my friend Wally here.
Copy !req
485. He's not your friend.
Assholes don't have friends.
Copy !req
486. Excuse us.
Copy !req
487. Can I talk to you for a second, please?
Copy !req
488. Jesus, Roach!
Copy !req
489. So... you got yourself
a new boyfriend.
Copy !req
490. You get in my fucking way and I'll kill you.
Copy !req
491. Why don't you just keep it in your fucking pants
Copy !req
492. for a change, Roach?
Copy !req
493. I'm warning you, bitch.
Copy !req
494. You know, I'm not afraid of you.
Copy !req
495. No?
Copy !req
496. You better be afraid of me.
Copy !req
497. Come here, girl.
Come on.
Copy !req
498. Cleo, come on.
Copy !req
499. Cleo?
Come to mommy.
Copy !req
500. Come on.
Come here, girl.
Copy !req
501. Come here, Cleo.
Come on.
Copy !req
502. I got you, girl.
Come on, Brayker.
Copy !req
503. See, I told you.
Copy !req
504. Hey, look...
where she came from.
Copy !req
505. A breeze.
Copy !req
506. Poor Cordelia.
Copy !req
507. Seems downright criminal
Copy !req
508. to treat such a pretty girl that way.
Copy !req
509. Did I say pretty?
I meant beautiful.
Copy !req
510. Cause you are.
You are beautiful, Cordelia.
Copy !req
511. Inside and out.
Copy !req
512. Maybe nobody here can see it, but I sure can.
Copy !req
513. I understand you.
Copy !req
514. I know what you want.
Copy !req
515. I know what you need.
Copy !req
516. Guys like Roach, they think...
Copy !req
517. just because they're paying for it
Copy !req
518. that they can treat you like shit.
Copy !req
519. If they spend the same
money on dinner and a movie,
Copy !req
520. they can call you "girlfriend"
instead of "whore."
Copy !req
521. Whore, what a horrible word that is
Copy !req
522. to use on someone who's really just
Copy !req
523. a sad girl who's looking for love.
Copy !req
524. Tender, warm, unconditional love.
Copy !req
525. I can give you that love,
as much as you can take.
Copy !req
526. All you have to do is let me in.
Copy !req
527. Let me in.
Copy !req
528. Let me in.
Copy !req
529. Let me in.
Copy !req
530. Let me in.
Copy !req
531. Cordelia?
Copy !req
532. Cordelia?
Copy !req
533. Cordelia?
You okay?
Copy !req
534. - Hello, Wally.
- Hello, Cordelia.
Copy !req
535. I realized something awful
about myself tonight, Wally.
Copy !req
536. My whole life, I've avoided
the guys who really loved me.
Copy !req
537. Like you.
Copy !req
538. You really love me, don't you, Wally?
Copy !req
539. Yes, Cordelia, I really love you.
Copy !req
540. I've always loved you.
Copy !req
541. From the very first time I delivered your mail.
Copy !req
542. Well, don't just do it with your eyes, Wally.
Copy !req
543. - It's some kind of tunnel.
- It's a mine shaft.
Copy !req
544. Not surprising.
Copy !req
545. The whole area's riddled with them.
Copy !req
546. Then this means that this is a way out, right?
Copy !req
547. I mean, shit, we can get to town
Copy !req
548. before those things even
find out that we're gone.
Copy !req
549. No.
Copy !req
550. No, it's too risky.
Copy !req
551. - What?
- Now, listen.
Copy !req
552. What the hell are you saying?
Copy !req
553. Trust me.
You're safer in this house.
Copy !req
554. Shit!
Copy !req
555. What was that?
Copy !req
556. What's going on?
Copy !req
557. - Oh, God!
- What's in there?
Copy !req
558. - Cordelia?
- Ahhhh!
Copy !req
559. Oh! Man!
Copy !req
560. - Shoot it, damn it!
- I can't! I can't!
Copy !req
561. Fuck that!
Shoot em both!
Copy !req
562. Stop it, stop it!
Copy !req
563. Irene!
Copy !req
564. Go ahead.
Copy !req
565. Give it to me!
Copy !req
566. - Shit! It's still bleeding.
- Here.
Copy !req
567. We've got to get her out of here, alright?
Copy !req
568. If she stays here any longer
she will bleed to death.
Copy !req
569. I'm with Jeryline.
Copy !req
570. We've got to take our chances in the mines.
Copy !req
571. You know, if my memory's right,
Copy !req
572. the spur that runs under here comes to a head
Copy !req
573. in about a mile or two.
Copy !req
574. - I say we do it.
- Fuck, yeah.
Copy !req
575. Nobody's going anywhere.
Copy !req
576. What makes you think
they haven't found the mines?
Copy !req
577. Is it just me or has everybody fuckin had it
Copy !req
578. with you tellin us what to do?
Copy !req
579. If we want to go out the mines
then we're going out that way,
Copy !req
580. and we don't need your
fuckin permission to do it.
Copy !req
581. I got an idea that's gonna save us that walk.
Copy !req
582. I say wee give those goddamn
demons what they want.
Copy !req
583. Mr. Roach...
Copy !req
584. I'm not gonna give you the key.
You're gonna have to take it.
Copy !req
585. Then I'm gonna have to kill you, right?
Copy !req
586. Right?
Copy !req
587. - If you say so.
- I say so.
Copy !req
588. Now listen to me, all of you.
Copy !req
589. You don't know what you're up against.
Copy !req
590. Go down there, I can't help you.
Copy !req
591. You've been doing a real
fine job of helping us so far.
Copy !req
592. Last I looked, we were missing
Wally and Cordelia...
Copy !req
593. and half her arm.
Copy !req
594. So fuck you!
I'm going.
Copy !req
595. Let's go.
Copy !req
596. Hey, Brayker.
Don't worry. I'll save you.
Copy !req
597. No!
Copy !req
598. Hey, handsome, age before beauty.
Copy !req
599. Yeah, and pearls before swine, shithead.
Copy !req
600. Oh, jeez!
Copy !req
601. - You know something, Willy?
- Huh?
Copy !req
602. You're so dried up,
Copy !req
603. the demons will probably throw you back.
Copy !req
604. Well, the sons of bitches ain't gonna get us.
Copy !req
605. I know these mines.
Used to own the damn place.
Copy !req
606. I'm gonna find that north spur
and get us the hell out of here.
Copy !req
607. Shit, now!
Copy !req
608. Irene?
Copy !req
609. Irene?
Copy !req
610. You sure this is the way out, old man?
Copy !req
611. Hey, no doubt about it.
This here's the north spur.
Copy !req
612. Course, if we're heading west...
Copy !req
613. then the other one is north.
Copy !req
614. Why don't we just sit clown
here and wait for them?
Copy !req
615. That way!
Let's do it.
Copy !req
616. Yeah, this is it.
The north spur's just ahead.
Copy !req
617. Man, I don't know how
anybody ever worked down here.
Copy !req
618. Smells like a big ol'
pile of doo-doo.
Copy !req
619. Help me.
Copy !req
620. It's the bat shit.
You get used to it.
Copy !req
621. I remember the first time
we struck pay dirt down here.
Copy !req
622. Mommy.
Copy !req
623. Hello?
Copy !req
624. Danny, is that you?
Copy !req
625. Danny, how the hell did you get down here?
Copy !req
626. Come on. Come on, Danny.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Copy !req
627. I promise.
Come on. Come on.
Copy !req
628. You alright?
Copy !req
629. - Mom?
- Shit!
Copy !req
630. They're here!
The demons are here! Run!
Copy !req
631. Let's go! Let's go!
Move, move, move, move!
Copy !req
632. Thanks, Chief.
Copy !req
633. Don't worry.
They can't get past the seal.
Copy !req
634. Homer.
Copy !req
635. This is for four years of
minimum wage, you asshole.
Copy !req
636. No!
No! Stop.
Copy !req
637. Uh-oh...
Copy !req
638. You broke the seal.
Run!
Copy !req
639. Danny, go upstairs!
Come on, move it!
Copy !req
640. Guess you got an "I told you so" coming to you.
Copy !req
641. Next time.
Copy !req
642. At least we're all in one piece.
Copy !req
643. - Sorry about that, Irene.
- It's okay. Vodka's kicking in.
Copy !req
644. - So what's the boy's name?
- Danny.
Copy !req
645. Hey, Danny.
How you doing?
Copy !req
646. Listen, what were you doing down in the mines?
Copy !req
647. Well, the man, he came back.
Copy !req
648. Yeah.
Copy !req
649. He got my parents.
Copy !req
650. I ran away.
Copy !req
651. Brayker!
Copy !req
652. It's alright.
Copy !req
653. I just have to check.
Copy !req
654. It's good to see you again, Danny.
Copy !req
655. Hey, Bob.
How we fixed for ammo?
Copy !req
656. Oh, not too good.
Copy !req
657. Yeah, I'm down to four.
Copy !req
658. How bout shotgun shells?
Not up here.
Copy !req
659. Oh, man, this is hopeless.
Copy !req
660. Fuckin hopeless.
Copy !req
661. Sons of bitches.
Copy !req
662. They drew us right into a goddamn ambush!
Copy !req
663. What are you doing?
Copy !req
664. - We gotta get outta here.
- The real battle is ahead.
Copy !req
665. Sir, I don't understand.
Copy !req
666. Now take it.
Copy !req
667. No!
Copy !req
668. You're the one, Brayker.
Copy !req
669. You're the one.
Copy !req
670. Hey. You got us into this mess.
Copy !req
671. What the hell are you gonna
do to get us out of it?
Copy !req
672. We just have to survive the night.
Copy !req
673. That's all I can tell you.
Copy !req
674. That's bullshit.
Copy !req
675. We're entitled to know what's going on here.
Copy !req
676. When I came here tonight,
I thought you'd be safe.
Copy !req
677. There are only five of you.
They need seven.
Copy !req
678. And then he came with Bob and the sheriff.
Copy !req
679. It's like tumblers in a lock.
Everything has to line up.
Copy !req
680. - Seven stars, seven people...
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
681. Goddamn it, I'm not making these rules up!
Copy !req
682. And I didn't...
I didn't ask for this!
Copy !req
683. Alright?
Copy !req
684. You wanna know what's going on?
Shall I tell ya?
Copy !req
685. In the beginning...
Copy !req
686. God created the heavens and the earth.
Copy !req
687. You're talking Genesis.
That beginning?
Copy !req
688. And the earth was a formless void...
Copy !req
689. and darkness covered the face of the deep.
Copy !req
690. But the darkness wasn't empty.
Copy !req
691. It was full of creatures.
Full of demons.
Copy !req
692. And they had seven keys formed into a circle...
Copy !req
693. to focus the power of the cosmos
into their hands...
Copy !req
694. until God stepped forth and said...
Copy !req
695. "Let there be light."
Copy !req
696. And there was light.
Copy !req
697. And He scattered the demons...
and He scattered the keys...
Copy !req
698. all across the universe.
Copy !req
699. Then we fast-forward about
two or three million millennia.
Copy !req
700. Now the demons are back.
Copy !req
701. They got six of the keys.
Copy !req
702. And one day they find
the seventh key here on earth.
Copy !req
703. To save it, God filled it
with the blood of a carpenter
Copy !req
704. who was being crucified by the Romans...
Copy !req
705. and gave it to a thief named Sirach.
Copy !req
706. The blood ins... inside...
is that...
Copy !req
707. Some of it.
Yeah.
Copy !req
708. It gets used, you see.
Copy !req
709. Sirach had to refill it.
Copy !req
710. Bad neck wound.
Copy !req
711. Talon caught the artery here.
Copy !req
712. Most of what's in here now belonged to
Copy !req
713. a soldier named Dickerson.
Copy !req
714. Gave it to me in France.
August 23, 1917.
Copy !req
715. Funny how you remember the big dates.
Copy !req
716. Jesus, that...
would make you, uh...
Copy !req
717. What happens when you run out of blood?
Copy !req
718. - They bring back the darkness.
- Just like that?
Copy !req
719. Just like that.
Copy !req
720. So...
Copy !req
721. now you know.
Copy !req
722. You feel better?
Copy !req
723. God, I wish I had that bottle of vodka now.
Copy !req
724. I guess I owe you an apology, Brayker.
Copy !req
725. You really got some balls, man.
Copy !req
726. You're a fucking hero.
Copy !req
727. Where's Danny?
Copy !req
728. What?
Copy !req
729. Find him.
Find him now.
Copy !req
730. I'm gonna check in my room.
Copy !req
731. I'll look in my room.
Copy !req
732. - Danny!
- I'll stay here.
Copy !req
733. Danny?
Copy !req
734. Danny?
You in there?
Copy !req
735. Danny?
Copy !req
736. Do me a favor.
Don't scream.
Copy !req
737. Just hear what I've gotta say.
And then scream.
Copy !req
738. You're so young.
Copy !req
739. You've got so much to live for
and yet where the hell are you?
Copy !req
740. You're stuck in this house.
You're stuck in this town.
Copy !req
741. There's a great big world out there, Jeryline.
Copy !req
742. You should travel.
You can see it all.
Copy !req
743. I can help you.
Copy !req
744. You want Paris, Rome, Athens?
You got it.
Copy !req
745. Course, if you don't help me,
well, that's a whole other picture.
Copy !req
746. Come on, let's be real.
Copy !req
747. Brayker isn't gonna get you out of here, okay?
Copy !req
748. Brayker can't even get himself out.
Copy !req
749. The man's dead meat.
Copy !req
750. And if you stick with him,
Copy !req
751. you're gonna end up the same way.
Copy !req
752. Here, check this out.
Copy !req
753. I hate to even think about it.
Copy !req
754. It's a simple deal, Jeryline:
You let me in, I let you out.
Copy !req
755. Horrible, isn't it?
Copy !req
756. You know, it doesn't have to be unpleasant.
Copy !req
757. Hell, I'd rather it wasn't.
Copy !req
758. Alright, I know what you're thinking.
Copy !req
759. You give up your soul.
Copy !req
760. You turn into a demon.
You look like shit.
Copy !req
761. Where's the payoff, right?
I'll make you a little promise.
Copy !req
762. Just give me what I want,
and nothing will happen to you.
Copy !req
763. Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?
Copy !req
764. I know that sounds like a line.
Lord knows I've used it.
Copy !req
765. But I mean it.
Copy !req
766. You know, I can see to it that you stay pretty.
Copy !req
767. Forever.
Think about that.
Copy !req
768. All you have to do is say yes.
Copy !req
769. Do we have a deal?
Copy !req
770. Something tells me you don't trust me.
Copy !req
771. That's alright.
We'll work on that.
Copy !req
772. You will give me what I want.
That's just the way it is.
Copy !req
773. And the sooner you figure that out, the better.
Copy !req
774. - Any sign of him?
- Haven't seen him.
Copy !req
775. This doesn't make sense.
Anything?
Copy !req
776. Where's Uncle Willy?
Copy !req
777. I haven't seen his wrinkled butt neither.
Copy !req
778. Come on, Bob.
Copy !req
779. Willy, you son of a bitch!
Copy !req
780. Hey, I found the kid.
Copy !req
781. I bet he found you.
Copy !req
782. Probably wanted to know what the smell was.
Copy !req
783. I forgot all about this place.
Copy !req
784. Willy, you get downstairs right now.
Copy !req
785. You take the kid with you.
Copy !req
786. You tell Brayker to get his ass
and the key up here now!
Copy !req
787. Let's go.
Copy !req
788. Go on! Go on!
Copy !req
789. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
790. Leave the bottle.
Copy !req
791. Party poopin old bitch.
Copy !req
792. Hey...
they hate that.
Copy !req
793. Brayker!
You in here?
Copy !req
794. Holy shit!
Copy !req
795. Hi, Uncle Willy.
Poor Uncle Willy!
Copy !req
796. You look like you've had a long, hard day.
Copy !req
797. Oh my goodness!
Copy !req
798. I bet you could use a long, hard one.
Copy !req
799. I know I could.
Copy !req
800. Here you go, Uncle Willy.
Copy !req
801. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
802. - Oh, Jesus!
- Try mine.
Copy !req
803. Oh my goodness!
Oh, my God!
Copy !req
804. Uncle Willy, are you okay?
Copy !req
805. Try mine.
Try mine.
Copy !req
806. Try mine.
Try mine.
Copy !req
807. Suck this one down,
Uncle Willy. Long hard one.
Copy !req
808. Nothing gets you fucked up
faster, am I right, girls?
Copy !req
809. Am I right?
Copy !req
810. Here's lookin at you, Uncle Willy.
Copy !req
811. There you go.
There you go.
Copy !req
812. Have another.
Copy !req
813. Knock yourself out.
Copy !req
814. Come on.
Drink more.
Copy !req
815. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
816. Those post office folks were right.
Copy !req
817. Son of a bitch!
Copy !req
818. This guy was reading all our mail.
Copy !req
819. What the hell?
Copy !req
820. Shit! Wally was
crazier than I thought.
Copy !req
821. Give me your light, Bob.
Copy !req
822. Oh, God!
Copy !req
823. He was planning to take out
the post office for Cordelia.
Copy !req
824. Well, if he was...
Copy !req
825. he didn't have any bullets to do it.
Copy !req
826. Whoooo-eee!
Copy !req
827. Then again...
Copy !req
828. Willy?
Copy !req
829. - Danny?
- Ahhh!
Copy !req
830. No! Stop it!
Copy !req
831. Oh, yeah, we got a whole lot of trouble!
Copy !req
832. - Jeryline! Help!
- Let go!
Copy !req
833. - Jeryline! Jeryline!
- You will give me what I want.
Copy !req
834. Jeryline, help me!
Copy !req
835. Hello!
I'm your waiter, Skip.
Copy !req
836. Our special today is a lovely poached appendage.
Copy !req
837. Market price, of course.
Copy !req
838. For starters, I recommend the finger food.
Copy !req
839. Want your arm back, Irene?
I can make it happen.
Copy !req
840. - Is that a yes?
- No.
Copy !req
841. That's me giving you the finger, asshole.
Copy !req
842. I'll get back to you.
Copy !req
843. Willy, don't make me do this.
Copy !req
844. Willy.
Copy !req
845. Stop!
Please stop, mister!
Copy !req
846. Please don't make me do this.
Copy !req
847. Put him down!
Copy !req
848. Hello?
Copy !req
849. Hello?
Copy !req
850. Mr. Roach!
What have you got there?
Copy !req
851. I want out of here,
and I'm lookin to cut a deal.
Copy !req
852. - Well, let's talk about it.
- Put him down!
Copy !req
853. - Stop!
- Jeryline.
Copy !req
854. You wouldn't hurt your old Uncle Willy.
Copy !req
855. Now would you, baby?
Copy !req
856. Jesus!
Oh, man!
Copy !req
857. Shit!
Copy !req
858. - Get the eyes!
- I heard that.
Copy !req
859. - Get the eyes!
- Get away!
Copy !req
860. Oh boy.
Copy !req
861. How do I know you ain't gonna kill me?
Copy !req
862. You have my word.
Copy !req
863. Frankly, we've been counting on you, haven't we?
Copy !req
864. The world needs more people
like you, Mr. Roach.
Copy !req
865. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
866. Of course, you don't mind
if we kill the others, do you?
Copy !req
867. Hey, if it makes you feel good, do it.
Copy !req
868. "If it makes you feel good, do it."
Copy !req
869. Exactly.
Copy !req
870. First things first, of course.
Copy !req
871. The blood seal.
Copy !req
872. Listen, on a personal note.
Copy !req
873. Be sure and kill Brayker.
He's a bossy asshole.
Copy !req
874. Isn't he, though?
Copy !req
875. - Thank you.
- That's it?
Copy !req
876. That's it.
Copy !req
877. You know, you ain't such a bad fellow.
Copy !req
878. You aren't so bad yourself.
Copy !req
879. Oh, a pleasure doing business
with you, Mr. Roach.
Copy !req
880. Well... you know this...
"hell on earth" business?
Copy !req
881. Big fucking deal!
I got hemorrhoids.
Copy !req
882. Vaya con Dios.
Copy !req
883. And a vaya con diablos to you too, sir.
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884. Roach, there's just one more
thing I forgot to mention: I lied.
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885. Anybody home?
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886. Come on out, everybody!
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887. It's time to play!
Hello?
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888. Or not.
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889. Come on, Brayker, move your ass.
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890. Grab the case and get on over here.
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891. Let's go.
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892. Cleo!
Come on, baby.
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893. Yeah.
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894. Go.
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895. I want you all up in the steeple now!
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896. - What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna cover the rear.
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897. Get your asses up there!
Go!
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898. Up. Up, up, up!
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899. This is my house, and I make the rules!
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900. Now get up there!
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901. Shit!
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902. Supper time.
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903. Only enough for one entrance.
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904. Is that all there is?
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905. That's all.
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906. The window.
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907. What did you do that for?
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908. Take it.
What?
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909. Out of the seven, you're the only one left.
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910. You're the chosen one.
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911. That's what I came here to do.
Give you this key.
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912. Can I have it?
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913. Danny, no!
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914. Danny!
Stop it!
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915. Let him go right now!
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916. No!
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917. Danny, no!
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918. Shit!
Oh, Jesus!
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919. Brayker, I'm so sorry.
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920. Don't be.
You killed him, right?
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921. That's all that's important.
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922. You're ready.
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923. Ready for what?
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924. For the key.
Give me the key.
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925. Brayker, look, I can't do this, alright?
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926. I'm not the right kind of person for this shit!
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927. He tried to seduce you, didn't he?
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928. He tried.
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929. You're exactly the right kind of person.
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930. Give me your hand.
I can't, Brayker.
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931. He's still down there.
Come on!
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932. When the stars line up you'll know what to do.
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933. I can't tell you how long.
Maybe a lifetime.
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934. Maybe several.
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935. And on that day you'll fight.
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936. And when that night is over,
you'll do what I just did.
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937. Watch your back, Jeryline.
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938. Watch your back.
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939. Brayker?
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940. Don't you leave me!
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941. Brayker! Wake up!
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942. Come on.
Wake up.
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943. See that, Jeryline?
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944. I was right about Brayker.
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945. He's dead.
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946. You, you're still here, aren't you?
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947. I'm not gonna hurt you unless you make me.
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948. You just stay where you are.
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949. Personally, I was hoping we could avoid this.
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950. Just pour the blood out.
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951. Save yourself the years of running.
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952. I mean, really, what's the point?
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953. It all ends up the same way.
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954. Look at you.
You must be in exquisite pain.
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955. All covered with blood.
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956. That's right.
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957. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
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958. - Oooh!
- It's not my blood.
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959. Bitch!
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960. It's curtains for you, baby.
Come on!
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961. I'm sure you're familiar with the relationship
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962. between cleanliness and godliness.
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963. Well, let me tell you something.
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964. That's the first thing I'm gonna change.
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965. You wash and you wash behind the ears.
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966. You rinse and you rinse till it comes out clear.
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967. No, you don't.
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968. How was that?
Good.
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969. I liked those too.
Damn!
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970. Guess Brayker didn't have time
to tell you everything, huh?
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971. That eyeball shit only works
on low-level demons.
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972. I know.
Who makes up all these rules?
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973. Upsy-daisy!
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974. This is a special day for me, Jeryline.
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975. I waited a long time for this promotion,
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976. and I have to tell you,
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977. You know, I'm glad that it's you
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978. who could share it with me.
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979. Don't feel bad about giving up the key because
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980. by the time your race finds out what happened,
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981. well, they'll look like
last week's leftovers anyway.
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982. So... cheer up.
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983. Thanks.
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984. I warned you.
I told you what would happen.
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985. You didn't believe me.
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986. I forgive you.
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987. I know what you're thinking:
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988. "He's got the key. What else
could he possibly want now?"
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989. I want you.
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990. You know, no one's ever brought a demon knight
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991. over to the other side before.
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992. Well, not in one piece, anyway.
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993. Honey, you'd be the first.
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994. There'd be a period of adjustment, of course.
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995. I'm very easy to live with,
I'm clean, I don't drink much,
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996. and I know my folks are gonna love you.
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997. I notice you're not
saying anything. Hmm?
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998. Is that because you're
thinking of something to say?
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999. What the hell is there to think about?
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1000. There was a time when a coy silence
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1001. was appreciated in a woman.
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1002. Well, this is not one of those times,
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1003. and you're really starting to piss me off!
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1004. Down, boy!
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1005. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
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1006. I didn't mean
to get angry. I...
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1007. Jeryline.
Jeryline...
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1008. I'm gonna say something to
you I haven't said to anyone.
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1009. Jeryline, I lo... you.
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1010. Jeryline, I lo... you.
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1011. Jeryline, do you think you could
ever find it in your heart
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1012. to possibly lo... me?
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1013. Didn't think so.
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1014. Alright, let's...
Ah, fuck it!
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1015. You will die, but at least
we'll be together forever.
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1016. If I can't have your soul,
I'm gonna take your heart.
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1017. Thank you.
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1018. - Thank you.
- Hold on.
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1019. No.
It's okay.
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1020. I'll wait for the next one.
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1021. Ahhh!
I love "scarnations."
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1022. You'll be happy to know, kiddies,
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1023. that Jeryline lived happily ever after.
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1024. In fact, I even got a "ghostcard" from her.
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1025. She's traveling the world
and having a fabulous time.
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1026. As for me, I'm afraid I've got to hurry.
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1027. Tonight's our big
"screamiere."
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1028. Hello.
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1029. Hello, hello.
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1030. Ah, the whole fan club is here.
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1031. Hello,
baby-booby-bubby.
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1032. Uh-oh! I think my producers
are trying to tell me something.
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1033. Well, what do you know!
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1034. I asked for final cut, and I got it!
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1035. Now that's "inter-tainment"!
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1036. Oh, still here, creeps?
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1037. What's the matter?
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1038. Didn't get your minimum deadly allowance
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1039. of murder, madness and mayhem?
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1040. Then look out for my next motion picture,
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1041. Dead Easy, coming very soon
to a theater near you.
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