Superhero Movie (2008)

1. Who am I?

2. You sure you wanna know?

3. Truth is, I'm a nobody.

4. Actually, I'm worse than a nobody. I'm this guy.

5. Stop! Stop the bus!

6. The story of my life is not for the faint of heart.

7. Thanks.

8. But, like any story worth telling,

9. it's all about a girl.

10. Not that girl.

11. - Hey. Hi. I don't think that is a girl.

12. No, it's about this girl,

13. Jill Johnson.

14. Ever since I can remember I've been in love with her,

15. but she barely knows I exist.

16. Yo, Rick! Yo, come here, man!

17. I got you a seat down here. What's-? I'll call y'all back. Everybody, bye.

18. - What's up, man? - Hey, Trey.

19. Dude, I'm so psyched for this class trip.

20. We about to see some real serious cutting-edge shit.

21. Mmm. Mm-hm. Mmm.

22. That's what I'm talking about. Yo, you got any C batteries on you? AAs?

23. Got that new sandwich from Sony in my backpack.

24. It's Wi-Fi, mmm!

25. Yo, you gotta forget about her, dog.

26. Look, look. Let me show you something.

27. She not even looking at you.

28. If I could just tell her how I feel-

29. I already told you, you never gonna get with Jill, all right?

30. She hangs out with the popular crew,

31. and nobody messes around outside their group.

32. Come on, that crew stuff isn't real.

33. The hell it ain't. Look around, Rick.

34. - Look, you got your jocks, - Get the ball, man.

35. nerds, emos,

36. Frodos,

37. the Scarface Society,

38. the sexual predators.

39. - Of course, you got the Rick-punchers. - The who?

40. - Ow! - Yeah, they new.

41. Mm-hm. But you know what? Who cares?

42. Because we got our own crew: me and you.

43. Thanks, Trey. You're the best, man.

44. - Am I in? No.

45. Come on. Hey, it's me and you, baby. The two of us against the world, you hear?

46. You look good today. I like your hair.

47. I wanna show you something nasty I downloaded. Don't tell nobody.

48. Welcome to Amalgamated.

49. I'm Dr. Strom, head of the Research Department

50. - Come on, man. - where we create the future today.

51. And now I'd like to show you our crown jewel.

52. The Amalgamated animal genetics lab.

53. Go ahead, explore.

54. Yo, yo. Come on, Rick, man. Check this out.

55. All of our animals are genetically engineered

56. and each of them has...

57. Oh, you're so pretty.

58. Oh, hi, birdie.

59. Hi. Hi. Hen, hen.

60. She's beautiful, isn't she?

61. Yes, she is.

62. Uh, I'm gonna take a picture of her for the school newspaper.

63. Our only rules: Don't feed the animals

64. and please, no flash photography.

65. Some of our genetically engineered animals are a little sensitive to light.

66. It flew away.

67. Man. Hoo-hoo.

68. What the F, loser?

69. You get him, Lance.

70. - Come on, Lance. Leave him alone. - I don't think so.

71. Is there a problem, Lance?

72. No. No problem, Uncle Lou.

73. Mr. Landers.

74. Students, this is Lou Landers,

75. visionary scientist and CEO of Amalgamated.

76. Well, I'm just a businessman now.

77. The future of science belongs to all of you.

78. Please, enjoy the tour.

79. Are you okay?

80. Yes, this is healthy cough blood.

81. Rick Riker. You're not Blaine and Julia Riker's son, are you?

82. - I am. - Ah. Good people.

83. - How are they? - They died violently nine years ago.

84. But otherwise okay?

85. Yes, thank you. I live with my aunt and uncle now.

86. Well, you seem like a real chip off the old block.

87. Let's hope you're not violently murdered too.

88. That's for making me look stupid.

89. Next time I hurt you.

90. Yeah. You the man, Lance.

91. Our work with these animals has helped us develop new antibiotics,

92. advanced pesticides,

93. and a powerful new pheromone which drives animals to mate

94. called compound H209.

95. It's a strong sexual attractant.

96. A single drop is enough to arouse any animal.

97. We plan on using it to breed endangered species.

98. A special and indeed often overlooked-

99. But our most promising research

100. is with these dragonflies.

101. For example, this dragonfly's skin

102. has a hard, armor-like exoskeleton to defend against...

103. And this species of dragonfly has enormous strength for its size.

104. It can lift vast amounts, more than its body weight.

105. And here we've injected the DNA from all three species

106. into seven new genetically enhanced super dragonflies.

107. But there's only six in there.

108. Well, one missing dragonfly is the least of my concerns.

109. I lost six tigers alone last month.

110. Ah!

111. This area is where we keep our livestock.

112. Oh.

113. Aren't you gonna do something?

114. Soon as I get this up on YouTube.

115. I see. Well, yes, I understand.

116. Thank you for the call.

117. That was the principal.

118. Rick walked off a class trip.

119. After all the parenting you've done, he's still so troubled.

120. Why do you think that is, Albert?

121. I have no idea, Lucille.

122. I've taught him everything I know about being a man.

123. And a good man you are

124. after all these years of marriage.

125. It's like we first met.

126. Sure, you're a little older.

127. Your hair's gray.

128. You have crow's feet.

129. It takes you an hour to pee.

130. Your thighs look like cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.

131. And you've always had a tiny penis.

132. Well, hen, what does it matter when you're in love?

133. - Uhh... - Oh, Rick.

134. We were wondering where you were.

135. It's so late.

136. About time you got home. Your aunt was getting worried.

137. You can sleep late in the morning,

138. but don't forget to feed the fish.

139. Attaboy.

140. I don't know. Something just doesn't seem quite right with him today.

141. Teenagers. I'll talk to him.

142. Rough day, huh? Well, I won't lie to you.

143. Puberty is a difficult time in a young man's life, you know.

144. Uh, this book may explain what's happening.

145. Let's see.

146. There are mood swings, fluid retention,

147. and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.

148. This may be the wrong book.

149. What's important is that you're on the verge of adulthood.

150. Here, take a drink.

151. Ah, the rituals of manhood.

152. Today you have your first beer,

153. and tomorrow we'll circumcise you.

154. I'm losing patience, Dr. Strom.

155. Please, sir, if you could just wait a few minutes-

156. I've waited long enough for this egomaniac.

157. We're the board of directors. Our time is valuable.

158. Not as valuable as mine, Mr. Carlson.

159. You see, I have a terminal illness.

160. I've been fighting it for years,

161. but the disease has ravaged my organs.

162. As of this moment, I have one hour left to live.

163. It was on sale.

164. Gentlemen, if you're ready,

165. allow me to show you the future.

166. What the hell is that?

167. An innovation- Thank you.

168. - that will not only save my life,

169. but the life of this company.

170. For too long we've scraped out profits from pills and injections.

171. The real prize is the total cure.

172. A device that can alter DNA

173. and restore the body to perfect health.

174. - You're crazy. Ha, ha. No.

175. Crazy is hearing voices, talking to cats,

176. dating Paula Abdul.

177. I'm not crazy. I'm a visionary.

178. Sir. Sir, the machine's never been fully tested.

179. If something should go wrong-

180. - Start the machine! - Yes, sir.

181. Plasma level is steady. Genetic modification's at optimum levels.

182. Sir, the core is overheating.

183. - Aah! We have to abort.

184. Did it work?

185. I'm so sorry.

186. Well, well, well.

187. I want you to know what a joy it will be

188. running this company without you in the way.

189. Let go. Let me go.

190. Gentlemen, I think it's time we made some personnel changes.

191. No, stay away.

192. Oh. How long was I asleep?

193. Five days.

194. Huh.

195. Wait, uh-

196. Oh, Dad.

197. I thought you'd live forever.

198. Oh.

199. Breakfast, Rick.

200. I'll be right down.

201. Oh.

202. If I can have your attention.

203. We are delighted to have as guest judge

204. the foremost scientist in the world.

205. He's a visiting professor at Empire City University

206. where he's working with the rare element cerillium.

207. I am so proud to welcome Dr. Stephen Hawking.

208. Thank you for that warm welcome.

209. I have a disease that has paralyzed me.

210. I cannot walk and I use this computer to speak.

211. But I am not depressed, because I have the gift of knowledge.

212. That's a lie. I think about suicide every day.

213. But you should all be happy with your lives.

214. You can walk, talk, wipe your own asses

215. and then there's all the sex.

216. I haven't had sex in years.

217. My nurse is a lesbian and not the hot kind.

218. Hey, anyone want to get high?

219. - I've got some hash with me. No way.

220. White guy in the dreads, you know what I'm talking about.

221. Anyone? Anyone?

222. Pussies.

223. Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit.

224. - Pfft. - Yeah.

225. Go to her, stupid.

226. Tell her how you feel.

227. Unh!

228. Yow.

229. Any day.

230. Uh, he did it.

231. - I'm gonna kill you. Get him, Lance.

232. - Lance, stop it. Kick his ass, Lance.

233. Fight, fight, fight.

234. Damn.

235. Ooh.

236. Get off.

237. Get- Get off me.

238. Ow. Ow. Ow.

239. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

240. Stop. Stop. Hey.

241. Get out of the way. No brakes.

242. Get out of the way.

243. - Aah! - Ma'am, look out.

244. Are you okay?

245. - How did you-? I can't believe it.

246. - You just saved that old lady's life. - Amazing.

247. I- I guess. If I hadn't pushed her out of the way,

248. she would've die- Ah.

249. - You should be really proud of yourself. - You're some kind of hero.

250. If you could excuse me.

251. There we go. Awfully nice of you to help me out here, Trey.

252. Oh, no problem. I'm waiting on Rick, anyway, so...

253. - Ooh. My God.

254. - How did you do that? Uh...

255. It's easier than it looks.

256. No, I don't think so.

257. - Why don't you tell me what's going on? - Aah!

258. All right. Well, there is something, okay?

259. But you have to keep it a secret.

260. Uh...

261. I think I have superpowers.

262. I find that hard to believe.

263. All right, all right, how about this? Throw as many punches as you want.

264. I bet you 100 bucks you don't land one.

265. Easy money.

266. - What else can you do? - Well, I don't know.

267. I— I was bitten by a dragonfly.

268. Some dragonflies have armored skin.

269. I wonder if my skin is—?

270. Well, good thing that worked.

271. So you do have superpowers.

272. We could be a team.

273. We gonna get fame, money-

274. - Don't forget the bitches. - There's not gonna be fame

275. and there's not gonna be bitches, okay?

276. I didn't ask for any of this. I just wanna be like everybody else.

277. That isn't what your parents wanted for you.

278. - You're not my father. - But I love you like your father did.

279. I believe in you like your father did.

280. I had sex with your mother just like your father did.

281. You'll never understand me.

282. Never.

283. That isn't what your parents wanted for you.

284. What a great performance.

285. Well, Rick, did you enjoy the opera?

286. Son, something troubling you?

287. It's so unfair. They have nothing.

288. - I want to change things. - And you will.

289. One day, Rick, people will look to you to be a hero.

290. When that day comes, will you be ready?

291. Give me your wallet.

292. That too.

293. People will look to you to be a hero.

294. When that day comes, will you be ready?

295. Rick!

296. Ah!

297. Ow.

298. Huh? Unh!

299. Rick, please.

300. - Dad. - Oh, Rick.

301. - I'm dying. - No.

302. Don't worry. My brother, Albert, will take you in.

303. Rick, the money, it's all yours now.

304. Sell all shares of a small company called Google.

305. It's worthless. Invest heavily in Enron.

306. Rick, I have something for you.

307. Reach into my coat pocket.

308. The other coat pocket.

309. God.

310. That ring was my father's

311. and his father's before him.

312. Earn it, Rick.

313. Be a hero. Claim your-

314. - destiny.

315. Dad.

316. I'm no superhero.

317. I'm nobody.

318. Ah!

319. Shut up back there!

320. - Are you okay? - What, you heard that?

321. You're nothing but an ugly, ungrateful little whore.

322. Just like your mother.

323. - Who was that? - My mother.

324. Listen, about what happened at school this morning, I-

325. - You really freaked us out. - I'm going through a tough time right now.

326. Me too. My parents, they want me to go to college,

327. but I wanna be a dancer.

328. I believe in you.

329. You really do, don't you?

330. I wish I could say the same for Lance.

331. I don't know. Is he the right one?

332. Or am I just dating him to rebel against my father?

333. He doesn't want any boy near me.

334. That's why he installed the electrified fence.

335. Well, we'll see. You can't run from your destiny.

336. - Right? - Right.

337. - Jill, let's go. - Nice car.

338. Maybe one day you could take me for a ride in your car.

339. Uh...

340. Uh, yeah.

341. Yeah, definitely.

342. Oh.

343. Lovebirds.

344. Rick, this is Professor Xavier.

345. Your powers are growing, but you can't control it.

346. It's important that you-

347. Become a hero, train yourself to fly-

348. In your ass because-

349. Squatting on a glass table-

350. Two girls, one cup-

351. You know what to do.

352. This shouldn't take long. - Well, I'll be waiting right here.

353. Hello, Mr. Bailey.

354. I've reviewed your request for a loan, Mr. Riker,

355. but with no job, no credit history,

356. I'm afraid I have to say no.

357. But what about this?

358. That was last month.

359. This new promotion's proving quite popular.

360. Look, I need to buy a car.

361. Frankly, you're the worst applicant we've ever had.

362. Thanks for the loan, Mr. Thompson.

363. This is a good boy. There must be something I could do.

364. Ma'am,

365. rubbing my crotch under the desk won't change my mind.

366. I'm not rubbing your crotch.

367. I really need that car.

368. I don't see how that's my problem.

369. This is a robbery. Nobody move. Everybody stay down. Stay down.

370. - Get down. Come on, lady.

371. - Oh! Come on, move it. Let's go.

372. Oh, hey. I made the same mistake before when I came in.

373. Thanks.

374. You idiot. You let him get away with our money.

375. I don't see how that's my problem.

376. Oh, man.

377. Wow.

378. - Over here. You've gotta see this. Oh, my God!

379. Let me through. Let me through.

380. Oh, thank God. I thought something terrible had happened.

381. Well, an old guy did get shot over there.

382. Uncle Albert. Just try to breathe.

383. I can't. You're kneeling on my balls.

384. Oh, sorry.

385. Rick, listen.

386. With great power comes-

387. Great responsibility?

388. I was gonna stick with "bitches,"

389. but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...

390. - Uncle Albert. My balls.

391. Very good.

392. Oh, God. Mr. Landers.

393. Oh, no.

394. There we go.

395. Hide the body. Gotta hide the body. Yeah. Hide the body.

396. Get in.

397. Okay, I come back.

398. Jill?

399. I came as soon as I heard.

400. - This is all my fault. - Rick, it was an armed robbery.

401. There was nothing you could've done.

402. I could've stopped that guy before he shot my uncle.

403. - Rick Riker? - Yes?

404. Dr. Whitby.

405. - What brought you here today? - My uncle.

406. - Your uncle brought you? - No, he's gravely injured.

407. Well, then he shouldn't be driving.

408. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to perform a breast exam.

409. Doctor, please. Is my uncle gonna survive?

410. I'm not a betting man, but if you wanna put some money on it,

411. - I'll take "dead in a week." - Oh, my God.

412. No, it's all right. It's a normal emotional reaction,

413. but this should take the edge off of it.

414. Here we go. Nice and easy.

415. That's your vein.

416. - Yes, I know... - First my parents, now this?

417. I'm nothing but a screw-up.

418. Yes, your life has been a testament to that.

419. But your uncle believed in you and so do I.

420. It's never too late to become the person you're meant to be.

421. Rick.

422. Rick.

423. Hello, Rick.

424. Who are you and how do you know my name?

425. - I'm a psychic. - Prove it.

426. Think of any number between one and a million

427. and I'll tell you what it is.

428. - Nine. - Not out loud, dumb-ass.

429. Follow me. Dumb son of a bitch.

430. My name is Professor Xavier and this is my school.

431. I started it to help people with special talents like yours.

432. Our students here learn to harness their incredible talents.

433. and use them to advance the common good.

434. - Ah. Ow. Heh, heh.

435. Here we have children who can walk through walls.

436. We have children who think they can walk through walls.

437. Some faces may be familiar, like Wolverine.

438. Other mutants you probably didn't know existed, like Sneezo.

439. Most of our students are born with their powers.

440. Some, like you, gain them later in life.

441. - Oh, is that-? Yes, it is.

442. When he came to this school, he weighed 130 lbs.

443. Take enough roids, you could do anything.

444. Back up off those pills, Barry.

445. - Why have you brought me here? - You have the potential to be the best.

446. But I can't even fly.

447. Once you understand the true nature of heroism, you will fly.

448. But first I must teach you the secret to becoming a superhero.

449. Hey, Storm. You look like you putting on a little weight.

450. So, professor, about this secret- - Well, you see-

451. Xavier. - Aw, shit.

452. Well? You wanna explain why I found her hiding in your closet?

453. But, pumpkin, I don't see nobody.

454. - Oh, you don't? Ow!

455. Invisible Girl?

456. Apparently not invisible enough.

457. If you knew how to take care of your man, this wouldn't have happened.

458. - No, she didn't. - Oh, this bitch is crazy.

459. I'm gonna have to whip your ass. You don't say no disrespectful-

460. What are you gonna do? I'm everywhere, sweet cheeks.

461. - Whoa. Ow!

462. That all you got? - Yeah.

463. Now what? Now how about that, Invisi-bitch?

464. Yeah, whatever. I'm out of here.

465. How could you do this to me? To your kids?

466. To your newborn baby?

467. How do I know that baby's even mine?

468. Because he can do this.

469. Shit!

470. Aw, man.

471. Now I'm never gonna know the secret to becoming a superhero.

472. You wanna know the secret? Come close.

473. Make a costume, shithead.

474. I swear to God. They get dumber and dumber every year.

475. A costume.

476. Rick, you, uh...

477. Oh, my God.

478. Damn. Oh.

479. Dude, you're like a real superhero, man.

480. I love the mask. How you breathe in it, though?

481. What's that sound?

482. You put some kind of air intake in the mask.

483. Boy, you better-

484. Now, I'm assuming that the material is see-through, right? Yeah.

485. Dude, I'm gonna tell you something, Rick. This is good.

486. I'm impressed. Like, really impressed.

487. Hey, that's my spot.

488. You're sitting on my gargoyle. Move it.

489. - Excuse me? - What are you even doing here?

490. I'm looking seriously out over the city.

491. Well, that's what I do here.

492. So if you're not moving, I guess we're gonna have to share.

493. Uh, okay, fine.

494. - Okay, okay. - Okay, okay.

495. - Uh, I can't perch like this. - God, me neither.

496. - What's your name? - John Storm.

497. Dragonfly. So, what's your power?

498. What's my power? Stand back.

499. - Flame on. - Whoa.

500. Ha. Huh?

501. I'm on fire!

502. Get a blanket or something. Holy shit!

503. It's not working. Get the fire extinguisher.

504. Ow! No. Aah!

505. God. You idiot, stop.

506. What's wrong with you?

507. Oh! Sorry, my bad.

508. Rick, once you understand the true nature of heroism,

509. you will fly.

510. Aw, shit.

511. This Dragonfly,

512. he's not even a hero. He's not-

513. I have- I have- I have just a- I have-

514. He can't- He can't even fly.

515. The Dragonfly can't even fly.

516. I can fly, okay?

517. I can fly.

518. This just in: Tom Cruise is dead.

519. Strom, do you have my test results?

520. I'm afraid you have to kill each day

521. to live each day.

522. Unless you had some cerillium.

523. Take a look.

524. Hawking's lab is in the physics building.

525. I could just walk right in.

526. You're going to steal cerillium?

527. No, not me.

528. But perhaps there's someone inside me.

529. Someone who will, at any cost, survive!

530. Ow. Oh, glass in my eye.

531. Glass in my eye. Shit.

532. - Does it hurt? - Uh, yeah, it hurts.

533. Well, if you could spread- Spread them with your fingers.

534. Push your lids with your fingers.

535. - Two fingers. - Are your fingers clean?

536. That's it. And roll your eyeball around.

537. - And then push it. - I'm rolling it.

538. Dig it out with another piece of glass.

539. Are you fricking insane?

540. I'll get the tweezers.

541. Read about the Dragonfly, world's greatest hero.

542. - Right here? - Right here, yup.

543. Read all about it.

544. No, you listen to me.

545. I want that story on my desk or you're fired.

546. - Who the hell are you? - I was wondering if you've got a job for-

547. Job? How dare you come in here and ask me for a job?

548. I'm the editor in chief. I know the mayor of Venus.

549. Hamburgers can see the future. Rosie O'Donnell-

550. Sorry about this. We share the building with a mental hospital.

551. Bad news, boss. We're nowhere on those Dragonfly photos.

552. Damn. Those were tomorrow's lead.

553. What about these?

554. Wow, it's almost like you're the Dragonfly.

555. Uh, no, no, no. See? Look.

556. Now that's photography.

557. Just heard on the scanner: some kind of police standoff at Empire University.

558. We'll need photos. Kid, I want you to-

559. Where'd he go?

560. Right, let's go.

561. This is the chief of police. We have the building surrounded.

562. Come out with your hands up.

563. What the hell is that?

564. I am the Hourglass.

565. And your time is up.

566. The Hourglass is moving. Get him, Dragonfly.

567. It's useless to resist.

568. I'll fight you to my last breath.

569. Like the sands of time, I am unceasing and relentless.

570. Evil never triumphs, Hourglass.

571. You'll pay for your crimes and justice will be-

572. Stop. Stop. Stop.

573. - Are you okay? - No.

574. Titanium blades.

575. They cut through diamonds.

576. I'm not wearing any diamonds.

577. Ooh, ow.

578. Ow.

579. I wish I could stay longer, Dragonfly.

580. But I just don't have the time.

581. Titanium blades. Looks like someone found your weakness.

582. It's not my weakness.

583. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Your weakness is you can't fly.

584. - Maybe if you had a partner- - I don't need help.

585. I'm fine all by myself.

586. She means a lot to you, doesn't she?

587. What? Oh, no.

588. I mean, she's with someone else.

589. Well, maybe that's for the best.

590. After all, it could be dangerous, you know, being the girlfriend of the Dragonfly.

591. I don't know what to do, Aunt Lucille.

592. - I love her. So be it.

593. But remember, to get to you,

594. your enemies will attack the people you care for the most.

595. Be careful not to hurt the ones you love.

596. Whoever this Dragonfly is,

597. he's in over his head.

598. We don't need so-called superheroes.

599. What Empire City needs is more cops.

600. And a Hooters.

601. Jill.

602. - Rick? - I heard you were auditioning so...

603. Oh, they're beautiful.

604. God, you are so supportive.

605. Why can't Lance be more like you?

606. There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?

607. Something secret.

608. Something locked away deep inside.

609. Well, there is...

610. Keep your identity a secret, Rick.

611. Dude, you're like a real superhero, man.

612. Once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.

613. I...

614. Nothing.

615. Nothing?

616. Well, I should go.

617. You're a good friend.

618. Hey, check this out.

619. Oh, shit.

620. Nowhere to run. Let's go. Get her.

621. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts. Oh, God.

622. Please stop. I'm begging you.

623. Oh! Wait.

624. - Where are you? - Behind you.

625. You saved my life.

626. Do I get to thank you?

627. Go. Be a hero.

628. Yeah.

629. You're planning a mass murder. Would you like help?

630. Paper-clip guy.

631. I'm so happy that you and your boyfriend

632. are spending Thanksgiving with us.

633. Of course, Lucille.

634. You need support at a time like this.

635. Yes, I miss seeing my Albert each morning.

636. You know, 50 years of marriage creates quite a bond.

637. I wish I knew love like that.

638. Oh, you will, dear. You just have to follow your heart.

639. That's the thing. I don't know if I can.

640. Oh, Jill.

641. If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?

642. I know.

643. But what if my heart is telling me to be with someone I can't be with?

644. It's not just any guy, it's the-

645. Forget it. You'll think I'm crazy.

646. No, of course not. You can tell me anything.

647. I'm very good at keeping secrets.

648. Oh, you'll think it's ridiculous, but... It's the Drag-

649. - I'll get it. - Thank you.

650. Hey, babe.

651. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I kind of invited my uncle.

652. - Your uncle? - What? Set another plate.

653. Well, okay. I guess.

654. Miss Johnson. Please, excuse my nephew's poor manners.

655. - Oh, thank you. - Ms. Adams, I'm Lou Landers.

656. I hope this isn't too much of an imposition.

657. Oh, of course not. There's always room for one more.

658. Thank you. It's just- Thanksgiving's for family.

659. Lance is the only family I have.

660. - I never married. - Fruitcake?

661. Nope, just never met the right woman.

662. Ah, yes, Lance told me that Rick Riker was your neighbor.

663. Where is Rick?

664. Why, that's odd. I thought he was out. I'll go check on him.

665. Please, you're busy. Allow me.

666. Thank you. Upstairs, second door to the right.

667. Rick?

668. Hmm.

669. Hmm.

670. Sorry I'm late.

671. - Oh, Mr. Landers. - Rick.

672. No, you're just on time.

673. Everybody, take your seat.

674. - Ugh. - Mm.

675. Uh-uh-uh. Not till we say grace.

676. Jesus.

677. Amen.

678. Please start, everyone.

679. This all looks so delicious, Lucille.

680. Well, we have Rick to thank for it.

681. Ever since Albert-

682. Rick has been supporting me with his new job.

683. New job? You didn't tell me.

684. Oh, well, I'm sort of the Dragonfly's unofficial photographer.

685. What happened to your arm?

686. Uh...

687. A bike messenger knocked me down.

688. I see your wrist is bandaged.

689. Yes, I burned it on some hot coffee.

690. And you have a cut on your lip.

691. Uh...

692. My crack pipe broke.

693. You have a scratch on your neck.

694. Yes, I...

695. Met a girl on Craigslist.

696. And you have a bruise on your neck.

697. I met a guy on Craigslist.

698. I'm sorry, Lance. We have to go.

699. - Why? - I...

700. Shat my pants.

701. I'll drive.

702. - Thanks for helping clean up. - Of course.

703. - Poor thing's so tired. - Yeah, well,

704. you know old folks after a big meal.

705. So... You know the Dragonfly?

706. Uh... Yeah, I guess.

707. You could sort of say we're close.

708. Has he...? Has he ever asked about me?

709. Um, yeah. Yeah, once.

710. - What did you tell him? - Urn...

711. Well, I said-

712. I told him-

713. I told him, "The thing about Jill is

714. when you look in her eyes and she looks back in yours, you-

715. You know that you'd do anything,

716. anything to be a better person than you are so that-

717. —if you were ever lucky enough to be with her,

718. you could earn every second of her perfect-

719. - grace, and her limitless beauty-

720. - and her unending love."

721. - Don't cry. - I'm not. My eyes are burning.

722. Rick, I want you to know that was the most beautiful thing

723. anyone's ever said to me.

724. Scented candle?

725. Thank you.

726. Rick, I'm so confused, and yet-

727. - I know exactly what I want.

728. Sorry to drop in uninvited.

729. It's okay. We were hoping someone would open a window.

730. It was getting stuffy in here.

731. So this is the lair of the Dragonfly.

732. - How did you-? - No, no, no. I'm not here to fight you.

733. I've got thousands of other people I plan to kill.

734. This little visit is just to show you who'll get hurt if you get in my way.

735. Never.

736. Time to go.

737. The woman, Lucille Adams of Empire City,

738. was badly injured.

739. How was she injured? - Badly.

740. What about the Dragonfly? - All I can tell you is this:

741. He didn't save anyone tonight.

742. Doctor, how is she?

743. I'm afraid your aunt's taken a turn for the worse.

744. She can't speak, she can't walk, she has no control over her bowels.

745. - That's- That's awful. - I know. I went ahead

746. and set up a MySpace page for her under "crazy shit machine."

747. She already has 40 friends.

748. Wait a minute. That's somebody else's aunt.

749. Your aunt has no problem with her bowels.

750. - Oh, thank God. - Because she's dead.

751. Truly sorry, Rick, but there is a silver lining.

752. Your uncle came out of his coma this morning.

753. - He did? - Yes.

754. But you mustn't tell him about your aunt just yet.

755. He's in a delicate mental state. The slightest bit of bad news

756. could send him spiraling right back into a coma.

757. I understand.

758. Mr. Adams, you have a visitor.

759. Is it Lucille?

760. No, sir, it's not your dead wife. It's your nephew, Rick.

761. Remember, no bad news.

762. Now, sir, here you go. This is my bill.

763. You did surgery on me?

764. Uh, yes, sir. We confused you with one of our sex-change patients,

765. but don't worry, we didn't remove your penis.

766. We did cut your testicles off, but, well, since your wife's dead,

767. you won't be needing them anyway.

768. You just want to keep his spirits up. He'll land on his feet in no time.

769. We are gathered today to say goodbye to Lucille Adams.

770. Goodbye.

771. And now the eulogy.

772. It's tragic to think this is the last time

773. that I can look upon my wife's face.

774. God, Lucille.

775. How could you take her from me? I can't live without her. Aah!

776. Lucille. Snookie lumps.

777. Sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife.

778. Ah!

779. She is this man's wife.

780. Give me five minutes.

781. - Uncle Albert. I'm not finished.

782. Uncle Albert. I'm-

783. You're one lucky guy.

784. Now, where's Lucille?

785. Ah, Lucille.

786. I do have this coupon for a cremation.

787. Rick?

788. I am so sorry for your loss.

789. What is it?

790. I know I said some things,

791. but now more than ever, I realize...

792. we can never be together.

793. I don't believe you.

794. You love me, Rick. I know you do.

795. Jill, trust me. I'm telling you this for your own good.

796. I don't love you.

797. You're no longer in my five.

798. How could you?

799. You can't keep getting lucky, man.

800. You only beat me by two strokes this time. And the back nine is what killed.

801. Oh, my God. Look at this place.

802. Yo, what are you doing, man? You gotta pull yourself together, dude.

803. What's the point?

804. Look at you. Eating junk food, wearing fake beards.

805. And we found your costume in the garbage outside.

806. Yeah, well, I'm not the Dragonfly anymore.

807. But you said the Hourglass was gonna kill thousands of people.

808. Look, I told you I'm no hero. All right? Aunt Lucille's dead,

809. I rejected the only girl I've ever loved

810. and I can't even fly.

811. God, I wish I'd never been bitten by that stupid dragonfly.

812. Then maybe your father shouldn't have given you this after all.

813. Look at the words your ancestors inscribed in that ring.

814. Honor, valor, sacrifice,

815. duty, commitment, bravery, justice,

816. integrity, brotherhood,

817. self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing,

818. loose-fitting pants, cheap Internet porn.

819. The rest is in Latin.

820. Rick, the hero's path is dangerous.

821. You may fail or you may fly.

822. All that matters is that you do it for the best of reasons.

823. Helping others, Rick,

824. that's what makes you a real hero.

825. Maybe you're right,

826. but even if I wanted to stop the Hourglass,

827. I wouldn't know where to start.

828. I mean, where's he gonna find thousands of people in one place?

829. Look.

830. Reporting live from the city convention center

831. where thousands of people are in one place,

832. but none of them more important

833. than the attendees of the World Humanity Awards.

834. I'll drive.

835. Well, that shortcut through the playground sure saved us some time.

836. You go ahead, I'll find a place to park.

837. Mister, please stop.

838. Each year, the World Humanity Awards are held

839. to honor the greatest achievements on behalf of all humanity.

840. This gala event is expected to draw

841. the world's most prestigious leaders to Empire City.

842. Excuse us, excuse us. - Empire City Times.

843. Damn. Look, there go Prince Charles.

844. And Nelson Mandela. Nelson! Hey, I was in jail too, man.

845. One of the guests here is the Hourglass.

846. But which one?

847. Thank you so much for inviting us, Mr. Landers.

848. When you're being honored by the world, you want your family with you.

849. Perhaps one day, you could be part of our family too.

850. Ladies and gentlemen, our first award

851. is for the medical breakthrough of the year.

852. For his company's pioneering work in the field of feminine hygiene

853. I award Lou Landers douche bag of the year.

854. Douche bag

855. He's the douche bag of the year

856. Now ain't he great, folks?

857. Ain't he grand? The douche bag of the year

858. Douche bag

859. He's Mr. Douche-Bag-of-the-Year

860. Look at him smile, look at him shine

861. He's the douche bag of The douche bag of the year

862. Hold up the douche bag. Hold up the douche bag, sir.

863. Stop right there, Landers.

864. Mr. Riker.

865. So you know.

866. You're damn right I do.

867. Someone in this auditorium is the Hourglass.

868. I need your help to figure out who it is.

869. Now the Hourglass could be anyone. A guest of honor.

870. Maybe even a stagehand.

871. This may be nothing, but I did see a man

872. with what looked like a canister of cerillium.

873. Who?

874. This lifetime achievement award - Him.

875. goes to one of the world's greatest souls,

876. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.

877. This man isn't who you think he is. He's the Hourglass.

878. - No, no, I'm a man of peace. - Shut up.

879. You're plotting to kill all these people and I can prove it.

880. Show the world the armor you're hiding under these robes.

881. You can't fool me, Hourglass.

882. You're packing 10 pounds of cerillium under there.

883. - What? - Ahh.

884. Take him down.

885. Tutu.

886. Peace. Pea-

887. Shit, shit, shit.

888. You.

889. You're the Hourglass.

890. Hourglass.

891. - "Hero Con"? - It's a convention for people

892. who like to dress up as their favorite heroes and villains.

893. - By the way, your costume sucks. Out of my way.

894. Hourglass, you'll never get away with this.

895. Forget it, Dragonfly. You're too late.

896. Run!

897. Yeah.

898. Goodbye,

899. little fly.

900. Dragonfly!

901. No!

902. Ann! Unh!

903. My eye.

904. Dragonfly, you must stop the Hourglass.

905. I can't.

906. I can't fly.

907. If there is one lesson my life can teach,

908. it is that the spirit is stronger than the body.

909. The hero comes from within.

910. Those are Celine Dion lyrics.

911. Whatever. It's still true.

912. You're right.

913. It's working.

914. Unh! - Sorry.

915. Watch, Dragonfly, as your city dies.

916. Where am I?

917. You're with me,

918. your lover.

919. Dragonfly.

920. No.

921. - No. - Only now do you understand.

922. Oh, come-

923. I need you to yank this off.

924. - Yeah. - There's not enough time.

925. Oh, fuck.

926. - It's over. Dragonfly!

927. Jill.

928. Gotcha.

929. - Rick? - You didn't think

930. I'd let anything happen to the girl I love, did you?

931. Well, we're still falling.

932. Damn it. If only I could fly.

933. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a hero.

934. Maybe I was meant to have a normal job. An accountant, a gym teacher.

935. - This is a really tall building. - Rick.

936. I don't care what happens anymore.

937. If I die, I die happily in your arms.

938. You're my hero, Rick Riker, and I love you.

939. Yes!

940. Oh, thank God. We only have 50 stories left.

941. Hang on.

942. Thank you, Dragonfly.

943. Because of you, our city is safe at last.

944. - You said it, Dr. Hawking. Shit!

945. - Well, it's a happy ending for us all. Aah!

946. Let's go get some dinner. I'm buying.

947. Who am I? I'm Rick Riker.

948. I'm the Dragonfly.

949. And as long as there's crime and injustice,

950. I will forever be a superhero-

951. I am the Hourglass!

952. Your time is up.

953. Ow!

954. Hm.

955. Aah!

956. My dad says my breasts are too big for a dancer.

957. Maybe he's right. I mean, look at them.

958. They're just huge, worthless, blobby weights.

959. Yes. Worthless.

960. Dr. Hawking. I am such a fan.

961. I'd love to show you my project on supernovas.

962. You have an incredible ass-

963. - stronomy career ahead of you.

964. Wait, where's Saturn? I'd hate to lose my father's bowling ball.

965. There it is.

966. Gentlemen, if you're ready,

967. allow me to show you the future.

968. Strom.

969. From the- From the- Lift it-

970. Got it. - Lift it over.

971. - Can you fly? - No.

972. - Can you see through walls? - No.

973. - Can you see through a tube top? - No!

974. Can you fix a prostate?

975. Strom, do you have my test results?

976. Whatever you're doing to your victims rejuvenates you.

977. But only for 24 hours.

978. Hmm. What if I killed 28 people in one session?

979. Would that give me a month to live?

980. If it were February, yes.

981. You.

982. You're the Hourglass.

983. It's a pity you saw that, my dear.

984. Perhaps this

985. will help you forget.

986. Help!

987. What are you doing?

988. Take me.

989. This, uh... This, uh... This turtleneck's really strangling me.

990. You have no idea. I'd let you- I'd give this off the skin of my back to you.

991. A knockoff. You can have it on the way out.

992. Old McDonald had a farm, and Bingo was his name-o.

993. And, uh, that's, uh...

994. Tom?

995. Yeah.

996. I, uh... I'm, uh... I got it. I'm good.

997. - I know what you're doing. I'm not doing anything.

998. I just- I just wanted to ask you, urn...

999. - Stop. Just shut up. Shut up. - No, but-

1000. - Hey. Hey. - There was a rumor about-

1001. - But you wanted to- - Stop.

1002. - You did claim, however- - Stop.

1003. Okay, but you did say you agreed to be here,

1004. and you said that you would talk about-

1005. - Shut up. - Yeah? Okay.

1006. Douche bag

1007. He's the douche bag of the year

1008. Now ain't he great, folks?

1009. Ain't he grand? The douche bag of the year

1010. Douche bag

1011. Mr. Douche-Bag-of-the-Year

1012. Look at him smile, look at him shine

1013. He's the douche bag of The douche bag of the year

1014. And this is the guy who wipes Wolverine's butt.

1015. Where you been? What am I supposed to do?

1016. - Sorry. - "Sorry" doesn't wipe my ass.

1017. Come on, put some shoulder into it.

1018. Are you going right now?

1019. Dragonfly!

1020. People throw some crazy shit in the trash.

1021. Amazing. Do you work with the Dragonfly?

1022. - Well... - Yes, he does. We're a team.

1023. What do they call you?

1024. Me? They call me the Incredible

1025. - Black Co- - Uh!

1026. Rooster. He's the Incredible Black Rooster.

1027. If I may, sir. In 2003, Mr. Landers won the National Science Award

1028. for his invention of the nonstick toilet seat.

1029. Oh! That thing saved my grandma's life. She big.

1030. Excuse me. There is a line.

1031. No, you're killing him all wrong. It's like this.

1032. Better.

1033. Oh, shit.

1034. It's so unfair. They have nothing.

1035. Why do we have $2 billion?

1036. Well, your grandfather left us $3 billion, and I made some bad investments.

1037. But that's nothing for to worry about.

1038. I've got tomorrow's editorial. "When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping

1039. with everyone they ever slept with." Does that make you gay?

1040. Yes! Yes, it does!

1041. Well, someone'll think twice before they try to steal a pack of gum from you again.

1042. This is gonna be difficult for you, Rick, but you need to identify the body.

1043. This isn't my aunt. - Yes, that's why it's so difficult.

1044. - I know. One, two, three... - One, two, three...

1045. - Where's Aunt Lucille? - She's at home under heavy sedation.

1046. They made her watch three hours of women's basketball.

1047. I wanna be a dancer.

1048. I bet you're great.

1049. I am pretty flexible.

1050. Unless you had some cerillium.

1051. Then you could create a device

1052. powerful enough to draw the life force out of thousands of people

1053. and enhance your own cellular capacity.

1054. Strom, you're a genius.

1055. Wikipedia.

1056. Dang it.

1057. Phew.