1. Yo.
Copy !req
2. Hey, man, I was doing
some research for next year
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3. and I think I figured out
which website
I wanna subscribe to.
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4. The Vag-tastic Voyage.
Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?
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5. The Vag-tastic Voyage
is the one where
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6. they find random girls on the street,
and they invite them into a van
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7. and then they bang them
once they're on the van.
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8. It's like 13 bucks a month,
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9. and you get access
to a bunch of other sites.
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10. Like one's Latina, one's Asian, um,
you know, there's one for fetishes
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11. like feet and pee-pee and shit
and stuff like that.
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12. That's disgusting.
You're like an animal.
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13. I'm— What? I'm disgusting?
You're the weird one, man.
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14. Don't make me feel weird
because I like porn.
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15. You're weird for not liking porn.
I'm normal as shit.
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16. Peeing on people.
That's normal?
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17. Evan, I'm not saying
I'm gonna look at it.
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18. I'm just saying that it comes
with the site, okay?
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19. I don't know what
I'm gonna be into
10 years from now.
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20. I'm just sick of all
the amateur stuff, you know.
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21. I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar,
I want a little production value.
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22. Like some editing, transition,
something. Some music.
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23. You know, well, I'm sorry, Evan,
that the Coen brothers
don't direct the porn that I watch.
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24. They're hard to get ahold of, okay?
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25. Plus your parents are gonna be
looking at the bill, dipshit.
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26. Yeah, you're right. I probably
should pick the one with
the least dirty-sounding name.
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27. Uh...
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28. What about, like,
Perfect Ten?
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29. Something like that, you know?
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30. Like Perfect Ten?
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31. Because that could be
any number of things.
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32. They can't really get you for that.
That could be, like, a bowling website.
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33. Yeah, but they don't
really show dick going in,
which is a huge concern.
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34. I didn't realise that.
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35. Plus, have you ever seen
a vagina by itself?
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36. Not for me.
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37. Hi.
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38. Thanks for taking him, Seth.
No— No problem, Jane.
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39. How are you?
Good.
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40. Beautiful.
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41. Hey! Don't touch that.
What are you—?
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42. I'm not a piece of meat.
You two are funny.
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43. I can't imagine
what you're gonna do
without each other next year.
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44. Evan told me you didn't
get into Dartmouth.
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45. I got into some schools, some
pretty good ones. So I'll be fine.
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46. You gonna miss each other?
No. Miss each other? No, thank you.
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47. I don't— I don't miss each other.
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48. Yeah, I'm gonna cry myself
to sleep every night.
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49. Me too.
When I'm out partying.
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50. Go to school, boys.
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51. Bye, Mom.
Bye, Jane.
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52. I am truly jealous you got
to suck on those tits
when you were a baby.
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53. Yeah, well, at least
you got to suck
on your dad's dick.
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54. Hey, Seth, you can't park
in the faculty lot.
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55. Don't be such a vagine, man.
I gotta get a Red Bull before class.
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56. You know, you're being an idiot, man.
You shouldn't have parked there.
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57. Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.
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58. They should be sucking
on my ball sac.
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59. It's the least they could do
for stealing three years of my life.
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60. Oh, fuck me.
Look at those nipples.
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61. They're like little baby toes.
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62. It's not fair that
they get to flaunt that stuff
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63. and, like, I have to hide
every erection I get.
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64. You know what I do?
I flip my boner up
into my waistband.
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65. It hides it and
it feels awesome.
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66. I almost blew a load
into my bellybutton.
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67. I mean, just imagine if
girls weren't weirded out
by our boners
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68. and just, like,
wanted to see them.
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69. I mean, that's the world
I one day wanna live in.
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70. It's been two years since
I've seen an actual
human female nipple.
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71. Shauna? Shauna was
two years ago now?
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72. Yeah.
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73. Yeah, I guess so.
But she was
insanely hot.
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74. Exactly. She was too hot, okay?
That's what sucks.
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75. How can that possibly suck?
I'd be psyched if
I'd gotten with her.
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76. You got, like,
two dozen handjobs.
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77. Yes, and three-quarters
of a blowjob, but who's
counting, Evan?
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78. Look, it was the peak
of my ass-getting career,
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79. and it happened
way, way too early.
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80. You're like Orson Welles.
Exactly!
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81. If I'd paced myself,
I'd be having
at least steady sex
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82. with a decent-looking girl.
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83. I honestly see now
why Orson Welles
ate his fat ass to death.
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84. You'll have sex in college,
everyone does.
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85. Yes, but the point is to
be good at sex by the time
you get to college.
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86. You don't want girls thinking
you suck dick at fucking pussy.
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87. I still think you have
a chance with Jules,
man. Really.
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88. And she got incredibly hot
over last summer
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89. and she obviously
hasn't realised it yet
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90. because she's still always
talking to you and
flirting with you and stuff.
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91. Are you out of your mind?
Look at Jules'
dating record, okay?
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92. She dated Dan Remick,
who's had a six-pack since,
like, kindergarten.
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93. Jason Stone, who looks
like fucking Zack Morris.
And Matt Muir.
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94. Matt Muir.
He's the sweetest guy ever.
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95. Have you ever
stared into his eyes?
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96. It was like the first time
I heard the Beatles.
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97. Why would she end
her high school career
with me?
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98. You know, Becca dated
Eric Rosecrantz
for like two years.
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99. Yeah, but that guy's
a fucking idiot.
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100. You're actually a step up
from that dick-load.
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101. That's why you need to stop—
Will you get this for me?
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102. That's why you need
to stop being a pussy
and nail her, okay?
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103. You could bang her
for like two months
before you leave.
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104. And I'm not gonna dance
around it, she looks
like a good fucker.
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105. All right, I'm tired of you talking
about her like that, man.
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106. What, you can talk about her
all day every day, and the second
I say one thing, it's blasphemy?
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107. Yeah, well, I don't
constantly insult her.
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108. I'm not trying to insult her.
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109. I'm just saying that she looks
like a good fucker, okay?
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110. She looks like
she can take a dick.
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111. Some women pride themselves
on their dick-taking abilities.
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112. Dick-taking abilities?
You think that's a good thing
to say about someone?
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113. The fucked-up thing is,
I actually do, okay?
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114. If some woman tried to
compliment me on my dick-giving
abilities, I'd be psyched.
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115. Hey, yo, Seth.
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116. What?
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117. Did you hear I'm having
a big grad party
next Saturday?
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118. No.
Yeah.
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119. Oh, shit!
You're not coming.
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120. Tell your fucking faggot friend
he can't come either.
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121. So Jesse wanted me
to tell you
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122. that you're a fucking faggot
and you can't come to his party.
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123. You know,
you really bitched out
back there, man.
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124. I bitched out?
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125. You bitched out, man,
you fucking Judas.
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126. You fucking
left me hanging
over there.
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127. Did you want me
to dive in front
of his spit?
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128. Come on, guys,
let's go!
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129. This is bullshit.
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130. Pussy.
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131. If I equals the square root
of negative one,
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132. then I squared equals
negative one. Okay?
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133. In other words,
if you consider I as a constant,
Copy !req
134. you can then define the square roots
of all the negative numbers.
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135. So I is an imaginary number.
It doesn't really exist.
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136. If I equals the square root
of negative one,
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137. then I squared equals
negative one.
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138. Is this making s—? Okay.
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139. Okay, bye.
Evan!
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140. Evan, hey.
Hey, Becca.
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141. Hey, uh, thank you for your pen.
Hey. Hi.
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142. No problem. No, no,
don't worry. No worries.
You just keep it.
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143. It'll be yours. You won't
have to borrow one again
because you'll have that one.
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144. Thank you so much, that's...
You're welcome. Don't worry about it.
Copy !req
145. So I was gonna ask you
Copy !req
146. did you hear about
Jesse's grad party
next weekend?
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147. It should be fun.
I heard. L— It's a maybe.
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148. Really?
For me at the moment.
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149. Uh, my R.S.V.P.
Just a maybe?
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150. So far.
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151. There's so much other
fun shit that's gonna be
happening that night
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152. that I can't really commit
and, you know,
hurt someone's feelings.
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153. Fun shit? But I never see you
at parties or anything.
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154. That's because of
all the other fun shit
I'm off doing.
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155. I'd love to be
at all of them, but...
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156. So why weren't you
at Dimitri's on Saturday?
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157. There was just
so many things going on.
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158. I couldn't find a minute
to make an appearance
over there.
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159. What did you do?
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160. Um, Saturday was
a crazy night for me.
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161. I had some friends over,
we had a few drinks.
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162. That's Vag-tastic!
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163. I hung out in my basement,
the chill zone, where we chill-lax.
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164. Like "relax" and "chill"
all at once.
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165. Seth's parents
were throwing this party.
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166. We got to hang around adults,
which was a nice change of pace.
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167. You converse, you talk to people
and they have interesting stories.
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168. I talked to a man who claimed he had
climbed five mountains in his life.
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169. Wow.
Then we went to a nightclub,
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170. which was incredible.
This big, fancy one.
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171. Gonna look at tits right now!
"I'm feeling crazy." I said that.
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172. You got in?
We got right in.
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173. Wanna do this, 'roid monkey?
Fuck you!
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174. Then we called it a night.
We were all just really exhausted.
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175. Oh! What the fuck?
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176. You would've loved it.
It was an incredible,
unbelievable night.
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177. That sounds like a lot of fun.
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178. You know, I'd love to
go do something
like that sometime.
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179. Oh, who wouldn't?
I mean, it was like
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180. me and Seth are always
kind of cooking up these
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181. fun sort of little,
you know, events.
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182. So I guess you guys
are really gonna go crazy
next year together.
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183. Um, we were going to,
but we got into
different schools.
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184. Really? That sucks.
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185. Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad.
I mean, it should be okay.
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186. I'm not too worried
about it, really.
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187. Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried at all.
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188. All right, well, thank you for the pen.
Yeah. No problem.
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189. Bye.
Bye.
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190. Bye, Evan.
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191. Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this class
because I thought I'd be
cooking with a partner.
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192. But she's never here,
and I don't get twice the grades
for doing all the work.
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193. I didn't invent
odd numbers, Seth.
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194. I know, but look at Evan, okay?
Just look at him.
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195. Hey, don't keep me
waiting much longer.
I'm getting impatient up here.
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196. You know what I'm talking about.
Miroki, you're embarrassing me.
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197. I'm over here in my unit,
isolated and alone,
eating my terrible-tasting food,
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198. and I gotta look over at that.
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199. Looks like the most fun
I've ever seen
in my entire life.
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200. And it's B.S. Excuse my
language. I'm just saying
that I wash and dry.
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201. I'm like a single mother.
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202. Look, we all know Home Ec
is a joke, no offence.
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203. Everyone takes
this class to get an A.
It's bullshit, and I'm sorry.
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204. I'm not putting down
your profession,
but it's just the way I feel.
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205. I don't wanna sit here
all by myself
cooking this shitty food.
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206. No offence. And I just think
that I don't ever need
to cook tiramisu.
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207. When am I gonna need
to cook tiramisu?
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208. Am I gonna be a chef? No.
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209. There's three weeks left in school.
Give me a fucking break.
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210. I'm sorry for cursing.
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211. All right, Jules' partner
isn't here today either.
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212. Pair up with her. Station four.
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213. Jules?
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214. All right.
I'll give it another shot.
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215. I'll give Home Ec
another shot.
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216. Hey, Jules.
Your partner didn't come today?
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217. That's kind of a personal question.
What?
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218. Nothing. It's my attempt
at humour. I was just—
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219. Oh, like coming.
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220. Like "coming" coming.
Ahh.
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221. Wow, that was a little too far
right there. The gesture.
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222. Yeah. It's pretty far.
Shit, I do that—
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223. No, don't worry.
I'm actually used to it.
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224. My older brother says, like,
the nastiest shit.
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225. Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.
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226. That's sick. That's not even clever.
I know.
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227. I know.
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228. You know, I would've gone with
something, you know, at least,
like, mildly entertaining.
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229. You know, like— Like—
Like "family Jules."
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230. Oh, like "nuts." Yeah, that's funny.
That's a fucking funny joke.
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231. Fucking funny.
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232. I can't believe that.
So all right. We gotta
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233. mix it up.
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234. Yeah, Hayworth won't
notice this, if we cover it
with chocolate.
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235. The whole thing?
Just dump it on. I'm serious.
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236. Okay.
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237. And now it looks professional.
That's really impressive.
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238. It's beautifully done.
I think we're gonna get an A.
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239. So, what are you doing tonight?
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240. Probably nothing. Why?
I don't know.
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241. My parents are out of town
so I was thinking
about having a party.
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242. I don't really know
how many people
are gonna be there,
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243. but you could stop by
if you wanted to.
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244. Yeah, I love parties.
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245. Really?
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246. I just don't really ever
see you at them.
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247. You know,
it's a love-hate thing.
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248. So, like, you know, right now,
I really love them, though.
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249. Yeah.
Good shit, right, Miroki?
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250. Mm. Mm-hm.
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251. Yeah.
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252. Hey, Miroki, could we have
a minute alone? Just— Thanks.
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253. Dude, Jules is having
a fucking party.
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254. Hey!
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255. Don't tell Fogell about the party.
Gangsters. What's up, guys?
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256. I was just walking
down the hall and Nicola
was right in front of me.
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257. She's wearing these
tight white pants with
this black G-string
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258. and you could see
right through the pants,
man. It was so sweet.
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259. Uh...
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260. It's 10:33.
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261. What?
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262. I told her what time it was.
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263. That's the coolest fucking story
I've ever heard in my entire life.
That's insane.
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264. Can I hear it again? You have time?
Yeah, yeah, Seth.
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265. I'm really gonna miss
your knee-slappers when me
and Evan are at Dartmouth.
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266. Well, while you guys
are at Dartmouth,
I'll be over at State
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267. where the girls are
half as smart and thus
twice as likely to fellash me.
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268. What are you guys
doing tonight? Asshole.
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269. We got nothing.
Nothing tonight, Fogell.
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270. No? Well, if nothing
comes up, we can get
shitfaced again, yeah?
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271. I mean, you're always calling me
a pussy and whatnot,
but today you're wrong.
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272. At lunch, I'm going to
the same place
Mike Snider went
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273. to pick up
my brand-new fake ID.
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274. Chica, chica. Yeah.
Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.
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275. That's insane. Because
Evan was just like,
"I heard about this party.
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276. We shouldn't tell Fogell
about it." I was like,
"No, we should tell Fogell."
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277. That way you could
buy us booze now.
It's awesome.
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278. Yeah, I'll— Sure, I'll buy
the booze. Yeah, man, we're
gonna get our drinks on.
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279. We're gonna party
and get crunk
and rock out, dude.
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280. If you're not in this class,
leave this class.
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281. Fogell! Hi.
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282. Okay. Gotta go.
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283. Well done. Seriously.
See you after class.
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284. You tell that idiot
you're not rooming
with him next year?
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285. Not yet. No.
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286. All right, well, you better.
That guy's the fucking anti-poon.
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287. Seth, it's dishes time.
What's the holdup?
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288. We're getting a fake ID, so...
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289. It's not like a big deal.
Wow. That's cool.
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290. But you guys have, like,
four more years to cuddle,
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291. so do you wanna
get to work?
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292. Well, we got into
different schools, so...
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293. So you're cutting the cord?
What's gonna happen?
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294. Nothing. Jeez, what does
everybody think is gonna happen?
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295. The world's gonna explode if we
don't spend every second together?
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296. I mean, we're not dependent
on each other, you know.
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297. It's like, we met when
we were eight. We were
fine before then.
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298. I was. I mean, it's like,
we don't do everything
together.
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299. No. All right, I gotta take
a piss. My dick's not gonna
shake itself. Come on, babe.
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300. Oh, yeah.
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301. He's a crack-up.
I'm just gonna go.
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302. Well, at least
we're getting
a graduation party.
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303. Thank God, man.
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304. Oh, I'm excited.
Copy !req
305. I would do terrible,
disgusting things
to hook up with Jules.
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306. Unforgivable things.
I hear you, man.
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307. I'd give my middle nut
to start dating Becca.
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308. Becca's a bitch.
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309. You know what? I'm seriously
getting fucking sick of you
Copy !req
310. talking about her like that,
frankly, if we can be honest
with each other.
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311. Me too.
Why do you hate her so much?
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312. You've never given me a reason.
I think you like her.
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313. Fuck no, man! I hate Becca.
Why, man?
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314. Fine, Evan. Here it comes.
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315. When I was a little kid,
I kind of had this problem.
Copy !req
316. And it's not even
that big of a deal.
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317. Something like
8 percent of kids
do it, but whatever. It's...
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318. For some reason, I don't
know why, I would just
kind of sit around all day...
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319. and draw pictures of dicks.
Copy !req
320. What?
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321. Draw pictures of dicks.
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322. Dicks?
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323. Like a man dick?
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324. Yeah. Like a man dick.
Copy !req
325. I'd just sit there for hours
on end, drawing dicks.
I don't know what it was.
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326. I couldn't touch the pen
to a piece of paper without it
drawing the shape of a penis.
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327. That's fucked.
No shit, it's really fucked up.
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328. Here I am, this little kid,
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329. and I can't stop drawing dicks
to save my own life.
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330. All right. I mean, I don't see
what this has to do with Becca.
Copy !req
331. Just listen. Okay?
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332. Your precious little Becca
sat next to me for all of fourth grade.
Copy !req
333. And in the classroom is where
I did the majority of my illustrations.
Copy !req
334. I was very secretive about this
whole dick operation I had going on.
Copy !req
335. Even I thought I was fucking crazy.
Copy !req
336. Imagine what everyone else
would think.
Copy !req
337. So I would stash
all of my dick drawings
Copy !req
338. in this Ghostbusters lunchbox
that I had.
Copy !req
339. So one day I'm finishing up this
real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.
Copy !req
340. All of a sudden...
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341. Pussy.
Copy !req
342. You hit Becca's foot
with your dick?
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343. Yeah. I know.
Copy !req
344. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
345. She starts crying. She flips out.
And she rats me out to the principal.
Copy !req
346. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox
dick treasure chest
Copy !req
347. and he fucking flips out.
Copy !req
348. He calls in my parents. Turns out this
principal is some religious fanatic
Copy !req
349. and he thinks I'm possessed
by some sort of dick devil.
Copy !req
350. My parents make me go see
some therapist, and he's asking
me all these dick questions.
Copy !req
351. They literally made me
stop eating foods
that were shaped like dicks.
Copy !req
352. No hot dogs, no Popsicles.
Copy !req
353. You know how many foods
are shaped like dicks?
The best kinds.
Copy !req
354. Yeah.
Copy !req
355. Well, I don't—
That's really messed up.
Copy !req
356. Super gay.
All right, let's stop this madness.
Copy !req
357. Let's just go get some dessert.
I can't, I gotta go meet my counsellor.
Copy !req
358. I'm picking out my classes
for next year.
Copy !req
359. What, so I gotta sit here and
eat dessert alone, like I'm
fucking Steven Glanzberg?
Copy !req
360. I gue— Yeah, I mean,
what do you want me to do?
Copy !req
361. I don't know. Nothing.
It's fine.
Copy !req
362. Just relax, man. I'll see you later.
That's fine. I'll be fine.
Copy !req
363. Hey, pussy.
Copy !req
364. Fuck off.
Copy !req
365. Just the one. Just the one.
Not both.
Copy !req
366. So I'll call Andy and Greg.
Okay.
Copy !req
367. And I'll bring the '80s dance music.
Copy !req
368. Yeah, yeah.
Right on.
Copy !req
369. Seth! Hi. There you are.
We were just
talking about you.
Copy !req
370. Here I am. Yeah.
That's weird.
Copy !req
371. Um, so you're coming
to my party tonight, right?
Because it's, like, fully on.
Copy !req
372. Yeah, why? Should I
not come? Because I could
think of other shit...
Copy !req
373. Oh, no. No. I want you
to come, I just—
Copy !req
374. You said something earlier
about, like, a fake ID
or something, right?
Copy !req
375. Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
For sure, for sure.
Copy !req
376. I'm getting that for sure.
Copy !req
377. Can you get us booze?
Copy !req
378. Yeah. I can.
I can get you guys alcohol.
Copy !req
379. Really? Seriously?
Yes, for sure.
Copy !req
380. That would be awesome.
Thank you.
Copy !req
381. Because we were worried
about that. That would be great.
Copy !req
382. Plus, you know, you scratch
our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Copy !req
383. Well, Jules, the funny thing
about my back
Copy !req
384. is that it's located on my cock.
Copy !req
385. So you do want alcohol?
You want some sort or no?
Copy !req
386. You do or you don't?
You do want alcohol.
Copy !req
387. Um, yeah.
Either way.
Copy !req
388. Well—
Either way. Either way's fine.
Copy !req
389. This is actually kind of
a big favour.
Copy !req
390. Because my parents
left me like 100 bucks
to feed myself for the week.
Copy !req
391. But the house is
full of food, so I just
thought I'd spend it all
Copy !req
392. on, you know, extra drinks
for the party, so...
Copy !req
393. That's really nice. I don't think
I've ever done anything that nice.
Copy !req
394. It's cool?
Yeah.
Copy !req
395. Okay. Thank you.
Awesome.
Copy !req
396. I mean, seriously,
that's really— That's nice
of you. Thank you.
Copy !req
397. So should I just get a shitload
of different shit?
Copy !req
398. Well, you gotta get me
some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
Copy !req
399. Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
That's kind of gay,
but I can get it for you.
Copy !req
400. So— Okay,
so then we will
see you tonight.
Copy !req
401. Go to the ball, guys.
Copy !req
402. Evan. Get into the game.
Copy !req
403. Kick it over to me.
Copy !req
404. Seth! Get off the field!
Copy !req
405. Dude, get out of here.
They're gonna make me
run laps again.
Copy !req
406. Just fucking
listen, okay?
Copy !req
407. Jules and her stupid fucking friend
came up to me and they
asked me to buy her alcohol.
Copy !req
408. But not just her,
for her whole party.
You know what that means?
Copy !req
409. By some divine miracle,
we were paired up and she
actually thought of me.
Copy !req
410. Thought of me enough
to decide that I was
the guy she would trust
Copy !req
411. with the whole fun-ness
of her party.
She wants to fuck me.
Copy !req
412. She wants my dick
in or around her mouth.
Copy !req
413. Did you ever think that
maybe she's just using you
to get her alcohol?
Copy !req
414. She doesn't want your dick.
Copy !req
415. Yes, of course
I thought of that.
Copy !req
416. That's like the first thing that
came to my mind. Just listen.
Copy !req
417. My older brother always says,
like, the nastiest shit.
Copy !req
418. Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.
Copy !req
419. Seth, I wanna blow you.
Copy !req
420. Man, she didn't say that.
Come on.
Copy !req
421. She didn't say the second part,
but the first part—
Copy !req
422. She's got an older brother.
She could've asked him,
Copy !req
423. but she asked me.
She looked me
in the eyes and said:
Copy !req
424. "Seth, mama's making
a pubie salad. I need
some Seth's Own dressing."
Copy !req
425. She's D.T.F. She's down
to fuck, man.
Copy !req
426. P in vagi.
She wants to fuck, man.
Copy !req
427. Tonight is the night
that fucking is
an actual possibility.
Copy !req
428. You just sound like an idiot.
You're not gonna be able
to sleep with her, man.
Copy !req
429. No. Dude, I know
I talk a lot of shit, okay?
Copy !req
430. But she's gonna be
at the party and she's
gonna be drunk.
Copy !req
431. She likes me at least a little.
Enough to get with me.
Copy !req
432. At the very least,
I'll make out with her.
Copy !req
433. Two weeks, handjob.
Month, blowjob. Whatever.
Copy !req
434. And then I make her
my girlfriend.
Copy !req
435. And I've got, like,
two solid months of sex.
Copy !req
436. By the time
college rolls around,
Copy !req
437. I'll be like the Iron Chef
of pounding vag.
Copy !req
438. Can you get out
of here and we'll talk
about this later?
Copy !req
439. What the fuck, Evan?
We're down two points.
Copy !req
440. Fucking calm down, Greg.
It's soccer.
Copy !req
441. It's soccer.
Fuck you, man.
Copy !req
442. Hey, Greg,
why don't you go
piss your pants again?
Copy !req
443. That was eight years ago, asshole.
People don't forget.
Copy !req
444. Do you wanna hear
the best part? Becca.
Copy !req
445. You do the same thing
with her.
Copy !req
446. When you guys are
shitfaced at the party,
you get with her.
Copy !req
447. This is our last party
as high school people.
Copy !req
448. I've fully ignored my hatred
for Becca in coming up
with this plan.
Copy !req
449. I'm flexing nuts. Just fucking
come with me on this voyage,
Copy !req
450. and just stop being
a pussy for once,
Copy !req
451. and we can fucking
fuck some girls already.
Copy !req
452. I should buy Becca alcohol?
Yeah, it'll be pimp.
Copy !req
453. That way you know
she'll be drunk. You know
when you hear girls saying:
Copy !req
454. "Oh, I was so shitfaced last night.
I shouldn't have fucked that guy."
Copy !req
455. We could be that mistake!
Copy !req
456. Have you talked to Fogell?
Copy !req
457. All right, you talk to Becca.
I'll talk to that retard, Fogell.
Copy !req
458. Don't worry.
Copy !req
459. Seth, get off the field!
Copy !req
460. Goal.
Copy !req
461. You're getting that!
No, I'm not!
Copy !req
462. Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.
Copy !req
463. Oh, hey.
Hey, um...
Copy !req
464. Hi. Did you hear
about the party tonight?
Copy !req
465. Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
It sounds awesome.
Copy !req
466. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.
Copy !req
467. Really?
Yeah, I'm gonna go to it.
Copy !req
468. That's actually why
I came looking for you.
Copy !req
469. Me and the guys
are gonna go to
a liquor store after class.
Copy !req
470. And I just thought,
you know,
Copy !req
471. if you needed someone
to get you yours,
I could do that.
Copy !req
472. I could be that person.
Copy !req
473. Yeah.
Copy !req
474. Um, yeah, no,
that would be great.
Copy !req
475. That would save me
such a hassle, because I was
gonna beg my sister.
Copy !req
476. Could you get me, like,
a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?
Copy !req
477. Yeah. That's the one
with the little
golden flakes in it?
Copy !req
478. Yeah. The girly one.
That's classy.
Copy !req
479. Well, I'll pay you back
at the party.
Copy !req
480. No, you won't.
No, it's my treat, miss.
Copy !req
481. Really?
Yep. That's that.
Copy !req
482. It's the first of many too,
so get used to it, sister.
Copy !req
483. Oh, well, thank you.
Copy !req
484. Yeah, no problem.
Copy !req
485. I'm sorry. That guy walked by.
Copy !req
486. It was an accident.
It's okay.
Copy !req
487. I was gonna give you a nudge—
A punch, the friend thing.
Copy !req
488. It's okay.
I didn't mean—
Copy !req
489. Hey, Becca.
Oh. Hey.
Copy !req
490. Hey.
Gaby.
Copy !req
491. What's up, Evan?
Hey, Gaby.
Copy !req
492. We should get to class.
We're gonna go to class.
Copy !req
493. So I will see you tonight.
Okay.
Copy !req
494. Really, don't worry.
Okay. Sorry.
Copy !req
495. Bye.
Sorry.
Copy !req
496. Bye.
Copy !req
497. Sorry.
Copy !req
498. Where's that sack of shit
Fogell? He said
he'd be here after lunch.
Copy !req
499. I'm sitting here with
my thumb up my ass.
Copy !req
500. I did it, dude. I even
offered to pay for it.
Copy !req
501. It was pimp.
I'm like, I feel like
a pimp right now.
Copy !req
502. Like one of those pimps.
Whoa. That is fucking pimp.
Copy !req
503. That's what I was afraid of.
Why didn't I think of that? Shit.
Copy !req
504. Sh— We're screwed.
Copy !req
505. Okay? We're screwed.
Okay.
Copy !req
506. This is what we get
for trusting Fogell, okay?
Copy !req
507. He pussied out.
I know he pussied out.
Copy !req
508. What are you making?
Copy !req
509. I'm just drilling holes.
The last two weeks. Fuck it.
Copy !req
510. What are we supposed
to tell the girls, that we
couldn't do the one thing
Copy !req
511. that we promised because
we're dickless incompetents?
Copy !req
512. Now we're never gonna bone
because of that used tampon, Fogell.
Copy !req
513. How'd he get into
Dartmouth? I don't get it.
He's got shit for brains.
Copy !req
514. All right, how else
can we get alcohol?
Copy !req
515. Yo, guys! What's up?
Copy !req
516. Fogell, where have
you been, man?
Copy !req
517. You almost gave me
a goddamn heart attack.
Copy !req
518. Let me see it. Did you pussy out?
No, no, man. I got it.
Copy !req
519. It's flawless. Check it.
Copy !req
520. Hawaii?
Uh-huh.
Copy !req
521. All right, that's good.
It's hard to trace, I guess.
Copy !req
522. Wait, you changed
your name to McLovin?
Copy !req
523. Yeah.
McLovin?
Copy !req
524. What kind of a stupid name
is that? You trying to be
an Irish R & B singer?
Copy !req
525. No, they let you pick
any name you want
when you get down there.
Copy !req
526. And you
landed on McLovin?
Copy !req
527. Yeah, it was between that
or Mohammad.
Copy !req
528. Why the fuck would it be
between that or Mohammad?
Copy !req
529. Why don't you just pick
a common name
like a normal person?
Copy !req
530. Mohammad is the most
commonly used name
on earth. Read a fucking book.
Copy !req
531. Fogell, have you ever
actually met anyone
named Mohammad?
Copy !req
532. Have you actually
ever met anyone
named McLovin?
Copy !req
533. No, that's why you picked
a dumb fucking name.
Copy !req
534. Fuck you.
Give me that.
Copy !req
535. All right. You look like
a future paedophile
in this picture, number one.
Copy !req
536. Number two, it doesn't even have
a first name. It just says McLovin!
Copy !req
537. What? One name?
Copy !req
538. One name? Who are you, Seal?
Copy !req
539. Fogell, this ID says
you're 25 years old.
Copy !req
540. Why wouldn't you
just put 21, man?
Copy !req
541. Seth, Seth, Seth.
Listen up, ass-face.
Copy !req
542. Every day, hundreds of kids
go into the liquor store
with their fake IDs,
Copy !req
543. and every single one
says they're 21.
Copy !req
544. How many 21-year-olds
do you think there are
in this town?
Copy !req
545. It's called fucking strategy.
Copy !req
546. Let's stay calm, okay?
Let's not lose our heads.
Copy !req
547. It's a fine ID. It'll—
It's gonna work.
It's passable, okay?
Copy !req
548. This isn't terrible.
I mean, it's up
to you, Fogell.
Copy !req
549. This guy's either
gonna think, "Here's
another kid with a fake ID"
Copy !req
550. or, "Here's McLovin,
the 25-year-old
Hawaiian organ donor."
Copy !req
551. Okay? So, what's it gonna be?
Copy !req
552. I am McLovin.
Copy !req
553. No, you're not.
No one's McLovin.
McLovin's never existed
Copy !req
554. because that's a made-up,
dumb, fucking fairy-tale
name, you fuck!
Copy !req
555. Jeez, man. It'll work.
Give it a chance.
Copy !req
556. Did you move my—?
Copy !req
557. Where is my car?
Copy !req
558. Oh, my God, man.
Copy !req
559. Didn't I tell you?
What did I say to you?
I told you not to park here.
Copy !req
560. Why would you park
in the staff parking lot?
Copy !req
561. Shut the fuck up, Fogell.
Copy !req
562. I mean, because
you're not staff.
Copy !req
563. I know that, Fagell!
I know that!
Copy !req
564. Evan, let's go to your house.
Copy !req
565. Wait, are you guys
still picking me up from work?
Copy !req
566. Can you answer me?
Copy !req
567. Man, don't you have
any non-infant clothes?
Copy !req
568. It'll be fine.
Yeah.
Copy !req
569. Why don't you just wear
what you wore to school?
Copy !req
570. No. I can't do that. I can't let Jules
see me in what I wore to school.
Copy !req
571. It's completely unbecoming.
Copy !req
572. No one's gotten a handjob
in cargo shorts since Nam.
Copy !req
573. You know why I have to kill
these guys? Because you don't
negotiate with terrorists.
Copy !req
574. Oh, really?
Yeah, that's what we should
be talking about right now.
Copy !req
575. Then why don't you go
to your house and get
some of your own clothes?
Copy !req
576. No. That's the dumbest thing ever.
Copy !req
577. If I go home, my parents will see
that my car's been towed
and I'll be grounded.
Copy !req
578. These fucking terrorists
multiply like bunnies.
Copy !req
579. Where did I leave the M16?
Copy !req
580. Do you have any
bigger clothes or do you
only shop at babyGap?
Copy !req
581. Fuck me. I can't—
Copy !req
582. That's fun.
Why do they make that?
Copy !req
583. If you can't even win,
then why am I fucking playing?
Copy !req
584. Do you wanna go see
what my dad has?
Copy !req
585. What the fuck?
Copy !req
586. What the hell is that?
Copy !req
587. It's a fucking vest, dumb-ass.
Copy !req
588. I'm trying to look older.
You look like Pinocchio.
Copy !req
589. No, it's just a vest.
They got a lot of booze in there.
Copy !req
590. If we get it now, we can get
to the party faster with Jules' shit.
Copy !req
591. No way, man. I work there.
They know I'm not 25.
Copy !req
592. Nobody said anything about you,
dick-mouth.
Copy !req
593. You really fucked me
on this one.
Copy !req
594. So now I'm gonna
steal the booze.
Copy !req
595. Don't do this. I promise you
I'll get the liquor later.
Copy !req
596. Mike Snider's ID always works.
So will mine, man.
Copy !req
597. Mike Snider's ID doesn't have
one fucking name on it! Okay?
Copy !req
598. I thought you Dartmouth guys
would be smart enough
to understand that.
Copy !req
599. Now Seth's gotta
pick up all the pieces.
Copy !req
600. He won't do it.
Don't worry.
Copy !req
601. I forgot to tell you,
my mom said we can have
the TV from the basement—
Copy !req
602. Shut the fuck up,
he's gonna hear you.
Copy !req
603. Just be quiet.
Wait until he goes away.
Copy !req
604. You still haven't told him
that we're rooming together?
Copy !req
605. Fogell, shut
the fuck up.
Copy !req
606. And take off your vest.
You look like Aladdin.
Copy !req
607. Okay. You got it.
Copy !req
608. Hope piggy can run.
Copy !req
609. How old are you?
Copy !req
610. Twenty-two.
Copy !req
611. You certainly are.
That'll be 80 dollars.
Copy !req
612. Oh. Okay.
Copy !req
613. Thank you kindly.
Will that do?
Copy !req
614. Certainly will.
Thank you, Seth.
Copy !req
615. Hey, thank you.
Copy !req
616. Oh.
Copy !req
617. You dropped
your purse, ma'am.
Copy !req
618. Would you like some help
with your groceries?
Copy !req
619. Well, that would be lovely,
young man.
Copy !req
620. Would you like me
to buy you alcohol?
Copy !req
621. That would be lovely.
Copy !req
622. Enjoy your remaining years.
I will.
Copy !req
623. Enjoy fucking Jules.
I will.
Copy !req
624. Don't do it, kid.
Copy !req
625. I never had a choice.
Copy !req
626. You fucking killed her!
Copy !req
627. No!
Copy !req
628. Where's all the stolen liquor?
Did you hide it up your butt?
Copy !req
629. Piss off! I was gonna
do it, but there was
a security breach.
Copy !req
630. You never would've done it.
Copy !req
631. Let's go to a liquor store
and watch your stupid ID
get rejected.
Copy !req
632. Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest
back in my locker.
Copy !req
633. All right. Here we are.
This is it. You ready?
Copy !req
634. Yeah.
Yeah?
Copy !req
635. Here's the money and the list.
Change is yours. Keep the change.
Copy !req
636. Thank you. What's the list for?
The alcohol.
Copy !req
637. We're gonna get alcohol
for the whole party, okay?
Copy !req
638. We put a lot of time into
this list, so don't fuck it up
and get sambuca again.
Copy !req
639. It's perfect.
Ouzo, bourbon,
Copy !req
640. spiced rum, Goldslick...
Copy !req
641. Goldslick Vodka. That's for Becca.
Don't forget that, okay?
Copy !req
642. Raspberry vodka, Scotch...
Copy !req
643. Oh, and Kyle's Killer
Lemonade. A six-pack.
Copy !req
644. This is a lot of stuff, man.
I don't know if I can
get away with all this.
Copy !req
645. What difference
does it make
how much it is?
Copy !req
646. I don't know, man.
I'm, like, really nervous.
Copy !req
647. Are you okay?
No, man. I should have wore the vest.
Copy !req
648. Calm down.
What the fuck are you doing?
Copy !req
649. What if I go in there
and they turn me down, man?
Copy !req
650. Then we're in
the same exact place
we're in right now.
Copy !req
651. Who cares?
It's fucking humiliating!
Copy !req
652. Everybody in
the store sees them
kicking me out.
Copy !req
653. What if they make me
put the liquor back
on the shelf? I can't do that.
Copy !req
654. This whole thing
is bigger than you, Fogell!
Copy !req
655. So grow a pair of nuts
and fucking walk in there
and buy the alcohol!
Copy !req
656. What if I don't feel like it
anymore, Seth? What?
Copy !req
657. Then I'll fucking kill you, okay?
Copy !req
658. I'll get a knife and stab you
through your fucking heart.
Copy !req
659. No, you can do this, man.
Come on.
Copy !req
660. Killing me won't get you
alcohol, jerkoff. I'm the one
with the fake ID.
Copy !req
661. Then I'll cut
your dumb fucking face off
Copy !req
662. throw it over mine and get your ID
and buy it my-fucking-self!
Copy !req
663. Oh, really? You don't
have the technology
or the steady hands
Copy !req
664. to pull off a procedure
like that, so ha!
Copy !req
665. Peace.
Copy !req
666. Fogell, just be cool, man.
Get in and get out.
Copy !req
667. You're the hero.
Copy !req
668. Sorry.
Copy !req
669. Is there a problem here, sir?
Mm-mm.
Copy !req
670. No. Mm-mm.
No problem whatsoever.
Copy !req
671. Sir, did you do this?
On the floor?
Copy !req
672. No.
Copy !req
673. And you should really clean this up.
Copy !req
674. Someone could really
hurt themselves.
Copy !req
675. Fuck my life.
Copy !req
676. We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
Copy !req
677. This plan's been fucked
since Jump Street, man.
Copy !req
678. Okay, just calm down.
Just calm down, all right?
Copy !req
679. Hey, so did you bring
a condom for tonight?
Copy !req
680. You brought a condom
with you?
Copy !req
681. Yeah. I figured
I might as well, you know?
Copy !req
682. I brought a little bottle
of spermicidal lube too.
Copy !req
683. But you laughed in
my face when I said
I'd be having sex tonight.
Copy !req
684. Yeah, that doesn't mean
you shouldn't
always be prepared.
Copy !req
685. You didn't even bring a condom?
No.
Copy !req
686. No, Evan, that wasn't
part of the plan.
Copy !req
687. I can't believe you did this
without consulting
with me about it.
Copy !req
688. Why are you talking about a plan?
We've never discussed, like, any plan,
but you keep saying we have a plan.
Copy !req
689. I had, like,
a general outline.
You know?
Copy !req
690. I was gonna go down
on her for, like,
several hours, okay?
Copy !req
691. She would love that.
She'd be smitten by that.
She'd go out with that.
Copy !req
692. Or I dry hump
the shit out of her leg.
Copy !req
693. Okay. Well, I just—
I don't see the harm
in bringing one little condom.
Copy !req
694. And one little bottle
of spermicidal lube?
Copy !req
695. Yeah, one little bottle
of spermicidal lube.
Copy !req
696. Evan, that's psycho shit, man.
No, it's not.
Copy !req
697. That's, like,
Charles Manson shit.
Copy !req
698. What, do you think Becca's
gonna be psyched that
you brought a bottle of lube?
Copy !req
699. "Oh, Evan. Thank you
for bringing that lube
for my pussy.
Copy !req
700. I never would've
been able to handle
your fucking 4-inch dick
Copy !req
701. inside my pussy without
that gigantic bottle of lube."
Copy !req
702. Okay, that's— That's enough.
Fuck.
Copy !req
703. These girls are 18 years old,
they're not dried-up old ladies.
Copy !req
704. They're good to go.
Then I won't bring the lube.
Copy !req
705. Don't make me feel like that.
I thought it was cool.
Copy !req
706. This is a nice kind.
Let me see that for a second.
Copy !req
707. An impressive kind.
It actually is kind of cool.
Copy !req
708. That's cool.
Fucking dumb-ass. Lube?
Copy !req
709. That's fun.
You brought lube?
Copy !req
710. So you owe me 6 bucks
because I'm not walking over
there to get it and it exploded.
Copy !req
711. Hello, Mindy.
Copy !req
712. I love that stuff.
Been drinking it for years.
Copy !req
713. You know, I heard they recently
decided to add more hops to it.
Copy !req
714. Um, okay.
Copy !req
715. I'm gonna need to see
some identification.
Copy !req
716. Really?
Copy !req
717. Makes me feel young again.
Ha-ha. There you go.
Copy !req
718. Oh, shit,
it's Cary Hutchins.
Copy !req
719. She had the biggest tits
I've ever seen, I think.
Copy !req
720. I heard she got
breast-reduction surgery.
Copy !req
721. What? Making your tits smaller?
Copy !req
722. That's like slapping God
across the face for giving you
a gorgeous gift.
Copy !req
723. She had back problems, man.
Copy !req
724. And it's not just
making them smaller.
They completely reshape them.
Copy !req
725. They make them more supple
and symmetrical.
Copy !req
726. I gotta catch a glimpse
of these warlocks.
Copy !req
727. Let's make a move.
Copy !req
728. She's going around the corner.
Come on!
Copy !req
729. Okay. Your total is 96.59.
Copy !req
730. I don't believe it!
Copy !req
731. Are you okay, mister?
Copy !req
732. Ah! What the shit was that?
Copy !req
733. I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Copy !req
734. I don't believe it.
Copy !req
735. I don't know, man. I think
she looked better before.
Copy !req
736. But now that she can
jog comfortably, she's in
the best shape she's ever—
Copy !req
737. What is this? What's that?
Copy !req
738. Oh, man.
Copy !req
739. Holy shit,
they busted Fogell.
Copy !req
740. How did this
happen, Evan?
Fuck, man!
Copy !req
741. His dad's gonna
fucking kill him.
Copy !req
742. Look, okay?
Copy !req
743. He assaulted the customer,
grabbed the cash and ran out.
Copy !req
744. So...
Copy !req
745. How—?
How—? How—? How—?
Copy !req
746. Say when, height-wise.
I'm gonna start up here, tell me when.
Copy !req
747. I'll start on the bottom and—
When.
Copy !req
748. Whatever 5'10" is,
he was 5'10".
Copy !req
749. Ethnically, I mean, did—?
What—? Um...
Copy !req
750. I mean, was he—?
Was he like us, or—?
Copy !req
751. A woman?
Copy !req
752. Female?
No.
Copy !req
753. Is that what you're asking?
No, no. Was he—?
Copy !req
754. Like, uh...
What? What?
Copy !req
755. African?
Af— Af—
Copy !req
756. Was he African?
African.
Copy !req
757. No. He was American,
and he was like you.
Copy !req
758. He looked just like you.
He was Jewish. Okay, Jew.
Copy !req
759. It's an odd crime for a Jew.
They're pretty docile.
Copy !req
760. Okay, so we have
an African Jew
wearing a hoodie.
Copy !req
761. No, you don't. No.
That's not what I said.
Is that what you heard me say?
Copy !req
762. I said he looked like you.
Do you look like an African Jew?
Copy !req
763. No, I look like a cop.
Yeah.
Copy !req
764. He was Caucasian.
Copy !req
765. Caucasian.
Oh. All right.
Copy !req
766. Okay.
Well, touché.
Copy !req
767. Kind of looked like Eminem.
Does that help you?
Copy !req
768. An M&M.
An M&M.
Copy !req
769. So he was circular—?
Marshall Mathers. Eminem?
Copy !req
770. The rapper, Eminem.
Did he look like this?
Copy !req
771. I'm an amateur. I kind of—
Copy !req
772. Because that kind of
looks like an M&M.
Copy !req
773. Longer face?
Bigger nose? Would you
say his mouth was wider?
Copy !req
774. Open? A gap?
Copy !req
775. Is there another squad car
that's in the area that could
probably be of further assistance?
Copy !req
776. I don't seem to be
getting any.
Copy !req
777. Okay, so just walk me through
again what this guy did.
Copy !req
778. He— He— He came in,
he's wielding—
Copy !req
779. He's wielding something.
He hits this small gentleman
in the slacks.
Copy !req
780. And then he jumps over you,
he feels you up, violates you.
Copy !req
781. I did not say that.
No, he doesn't.
Copy !req
782. Look, I can't do this.
I told you already,
I have an exam tomorrow.
Copy !req
783. Can you understand that?
I have a goddamn
veterinary exam!
Copy !req
784. Goddamn it.
This is bullshit.
Copy !req
785. This is some bullshit.
I got an exam tomorrow.
Forget this.
Copy !req
786. Well, apparently
someone has an exam.
Copy !req
787. How'd you know?
Copy !req
788. You. You're the one
that got punched?
Copy !req
789. Yeah.
Okay.
Copy !req
790. First things first.
What is your name?
Copy !req
791. Uh...
Copy !req
792. My name?
Copy !req
793. It's M— McLov— McLovin.
Copy !req
794. McLovin?
Copy !req
795. Yeah. Mm-hm.
Copy !req
796. Now, what's
your first name?
Copy !req
797. What?
Copy !req
798. Your first name?
My first name?
Copy !req
799. Technically I don't have
a first name, so don't worry
about my first name.
Copy !req
800. But we're the police.
Copy !req
801. We just wanna get
the story straight.
Copy !req
802. Come on.
Fuck, man.
Copy !req
803. Come on!
He must be so afraid.
Copy !req
804. I don't believe this bullshit.
I can't believe this is happening!
Copy !req
805. I didn't know you could
get arrested for this shit.
We need that liquor.
Copy !req
806. Are they gonna take him downtown?
Fuck Fogell.
Copy !req
807. He got arrested, okay?
We're on our own.
Copy !req
808. We need a new way
to get liq—
Copy !req
809. Fuck! The money, man!
Fuck! How much money
can you get?
Copy !req
810. Why are you talking
about money, man?
What about Fogell?
Copy !req
811. That doesn't matter anymore.
I lost a hundred dollars
of Jules' money.
Copy !req
812. What am I gonna do, bust him
out of jail? I'm gonna bake him
a cake with a fucking file in it?
Copy !req
813. Fuck Fogell. We need a new way to
get liquor, which is fucking impossible
because we don't have any money.
Copy !req
814. Fuck!
All right, you need to calm down.
Copy !req
815. We need to think
for a second.
Copy !req
816. We just need to think this out.
Fuck thinking, we need to act!
Copy !req
817. Whoa. Seth!
Copy !req
818. What the fuck happened?
Just— Just get up. Slowly.
Copy !req
819. You all right? You okay?
Copy !req
820. I am so sorry, man.
I am so sorry.
Copy !req
821. I didn't even effing
see you at all, man.
Are you okay?
Copy !req
822. So it's just McLovin?
Copy !req
823. Yeah. Mm-hm.
Copy !req
824. That's badass.
That is badass.
Copy !req
825. Really cool.
A badass name.
Copy !req
826. Lot of people
with weird names nowadays.
Copy !req
827. Chingy. Shakira.
Copy !req
828. Rafe. Pax.
Copy !req
829. We arrested a man-lady
who was legally named "Fuck."
Copy !req
830. Think he was Vietnamese,
it was with a P-H.
Copy !req
831. But it's still
pretty shocking
to see on a licence.
Copy !req
832. Okay, and how old are you, McLovin?
Old enough.
Copy !req
833. Old enough for what?
Copy !req
834. To party.
Copy !req
835. Can I see your ID?
Copy !req
836. Yeah, I think I have it.
Copy !req
837. You're an organ donor.
Bu— What?
Copy !req
838. I didn't wanna be one,
but my wife insisted.
Copy !req
839. I always give him shit
for it too. All the time.
Copy !req
840. I say, "It's just like
a woman. Even after
you're dead,
Copy !req
841. they wanna tear your heart out."
They wanna tear your heart out.
Copy !req
842. I say it weekly and it's still funny.
It still makes me laugh.
Copy !req
843. Really funny.
There you go.
Copy !req
844. I'm sorry, guys.
I don't really have
any information.
Copy !req
845. He just kind of hit me,
and I didn't really see
what he looked like.
Copy !req
846. I don't know if I can help you.
You in a hurry or something?
Copy !req
847. Yeah, kind of had
to catch that bus.
Copy !req
848. Where were you headed?
Uh, near 13th and Granville.
Copy !req
849. We can take you there.
Get your information on the way.
Copy !req
850. Why waste 2 bucks?
We'll take you. No problem.
Copy !req
851. Please don't report me, man.
We can figure this out, right?
We can figure this out, right?
Copy !req
852. Why the fuck
wouldn't I report you?
You just hit me with your car.
Copy !req
853. Because I'll do anything.
Copy !req
854. Please, okay? Anything.
Like, literally,
Copy !req
855. fucking anything.
Copy !req
856. Name anything.
Name it. Name it.
Copy !req
857. All right, look.
Hey, man. All right.
Copy !req
858. Listen, you can
trust me, okay?
Copy !req
859. I'm gonna be
totally honest with you.
Copy !req
860. I have a warrant out
for a totally nonviolent crime.
Copy !req
861. Okay? There.
Mercy street, guys.
Copy !req
862. Well, I'll be honest
with you for a second.
Copy !req
863. You better get us
a shitload of cash
or a shitload of alcohol
Copy !req
864. or you're going
to fucking prison.
Copy !req
865. What are you doing, man?
You don't need to—
Copy !req
866. No, let's not—
Let's hang on
a second here.
Copy !req
867. Cough it up.
Fine.
Copy !req
868. I don't know if we should
be doing anything too official.
Copy !req
869. Let's work together.
We're working together. It's like
Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.
Copy !req
870. Seven bucks?
Copy !req
871. Are you fucking serious?
This isn't enough for anything.
What are you, a 6-year-old?
Copy !req
872. It's all I have, man. It's all I have.
You better think of something quickly.
Copy !req
873. Ah! My back! My back. Cops, my back.
No, no, no. Wait, don't do that.
Copy !req
874. All right, listen.
I can get you alcohol.
Copy !req
875. I'm going over to this party
right now, bro. Okay?
Copy !req
876. It's got booze, it's got girls.
Booze and girls equals...
Copy !req
877. I don't know. Do you?
I don't know. Do you?
Copy !req
878. I think you do. Do you?
Yes. That's a definite yes.
Copy !req
879. Definite yes, then.
Copy !req
880. Give me one sec to talk to him.
Stay right here.
Copy !req
881. Yeah, yeah. Do what you gotta do.
Mix it over. I'll be over by the car.
It's cool.
Copy !req
882. Just talk it out.
Hey, I'm a nice guy.
Copy !req
883. Come on, it's great.
What are you thinking, man?
Copy !req
884. What are you doing?
What?
Copy !req
885. I lost Jules' money,
Fogell's dead to us now,
Copy !req
886. we don't have any
other choices. Let's go.
Copy !req
887. I don't like this idea.
This guy's fucking creepy,
man. Look at him.
Copy !req
888. What? He looks like a guy.
That's what guys look like.
Copy !req
889. What is your problem?
You guys know a guy named Jimmy?
Copy !req
890. You totally look
like his brother.
Copy !req
891. You totally look
like his brother, man.
Copy !req
892. You do.
Copy !req
893. You promised Becca
you'd get her alcohol.
Copy !req
894. If you don't, she's gonna
have a shitty night.
Copy !req
895. That's all I'm saying.
Come on.
Copy !req
896. We bingo, bango,
ready to go, go?
Copy !req
897. Good luck on your exam tomorrow.
Copy !req
898. Good luck on your exam.
Copy !req
899. You don't wanna
ride the bus anyway.
Copy !req
900. Buses smell like piss, generally.
Copy !req
901. You know why?
Why?
Copy !req
902. People piss on them.
Copy !req
903. You know, one of you bros
could've come up
and sat up with me.
Copy !req
904. We're fine back here.
Back's fine.
Copy !req
905. Safe in the back seat.
Copy !req
906. Oh!
Copy !req
907. Oh, my God.
What's up?
Copy !req
908. Hey, Jules.
Who is it? Who's on the phone?
Copy !req
909. Seth. Hey, where are you?
Copy !req
910. I'm in a cab right now,
on the way to a liquor store.
Copy !req
911. Okay, good. I can't wait
for you to get here.
Copy !req
912. Well, I hope your friends
are ready to get fucked up.
Copy !req
913. I'm sure they will be.
Copy !req
914. Okay, I'll see you soon.
Peace.
Copy !req
915. Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.
Copy !req
916. She called, she said,
"I can't wait for you
to get there."
Copy !req
917. That sounds like
she fully wants it,
man. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
918. Who's gonna give it
to her, huh, my man?
You, that's who.
Copy !req
919. Man.
Copy !req
920. You guys on MySpace, or...?
Copy !req
921. Um, officers?
Hm?
Copy !req
922. I can answer
those questions now
if you want me to.
Copy !req
923. We get the gist of it.
You were buying beer,
some guys punched you.
Copy !req
924. Don't worry about it.
We're not gonna find them.
Copy !req
925. Case closed.
Um, but it was only—
Copy !req
926. Uh-oh.
Whoop.
Copy !req
927. But it was only one guy.
Only one guy? Shit.
Copy !req
928. How am I supposed to find
one guy in the whole county?
Copy !req
929. This job really isn't how,
you know, shows like
CSI make it out to be.
Copy !req
930. When I first joined the force,
I assumed there was
semen on everything
Copy !req
931. and there was some, like,
huge semen database
Copy !req
932. that had every bad guy's
semen in it. There isn't.
That doesn't exist.
Copy !req
933. I often go to sleep and dream of
waking up in a world where
Copy !req
934. everything is covered in semen.
I mean, who doesn't?
Copy !req
935. It'd be nice.
Like that crime scene today.
Copy !req
936. If the man had ejaculated
and then punched you
in the face,
Copy !req
937. we'd have a real good shot
at catching him.
Copy !req
938. No way.
Just punched in the face,
Copy !req
939. no semen.
No semen.
Copy !req
940. Story of my life.
Oh!
Copy !req
941. Michaels here,
he's six months in.
Copy !req
942. He's young,
but the Force
is strong with this one.
Copy !req
943. Learning you are,
young padawan.
Copy !req
944. Thank you very much.
Copy !req
945. That's Yoda.
You familiar with Yoda?
Copy !req
946. From Attack of the Clones?
Copy !req
947. We have a 245 at East 24 and
Montgomery, Bailey's Bar and Grill.
Copy !req
948. Car 98 on it.
Copy !req
949. See, Michaels, you always
take a call at a bar because
Copy !req
950. better or worse, you get
a beer out of it.
Copy !req
951. Wow.
Pretty sweet, huh?
Copy !req
952. True that. Amazing thinking.
Hey, McLovin.
Copy !req
953. We got a situation at Bailey's,
so we'll drop you off
after, all right?
Copy !req
954. Actually, I kind of
have to be somewhere—
Copy !req
955. Sweet. Sit tight.
Copy !req
956. Set course for Bailey's Bar and Grill,
warp 10. Engage.
Copy !req
957. Yeah. Welcome to
the Thunderdome.
Copy !req
958. Hey, man,
are you sure it's cool that
we're here with you?
Copy !req
959. Oh, definitely, man.
Copy !req
960. I'm essentially
best friends with the guy,
Copy !req
961. so a bunch of my buds
are coming.
Copy !req
962. Don't worry. We're gonna rock out
with our cocks out. Just kidding.
Copy !req
963. We are gonna rock out.
Just go, just go.
Copy !req
964. What's up? What's up? What's up?
Copy !req
965. Hello, hello. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
966. This is something
a smart person wouldn't do.
Copy !req
967. Look, just act cool
and act casual,
and try and look old.
Copy !req
968. We'll get the booze
and get the fuck
out of here, okay?
Copy !req
969. Hey, where the party at? Right.
Copy !req
970. You got those shots, bro?
It's coming.
Copy !req
971. Come on, let's party.
Copy !req
972. Come on. Do it up.
Copy !req
973. We should just grab
one of these buckets
and get out of here.
Copy !req
974. Are you out of your mind?
How are we gonna get
a fucking bucket out?
Copy !req
975. Hey, man.
Copy !req
976. What the fuck do you think
you're doing?
Copy !req
977. What are you—? What? Nothing.
You using my phone?
Copy !req
978. What do you think you're doing?
Hang on. Nothing.
Copy !req
979. What—? What—?
What's wrong, Mark?
Copy !req
980. You weren't invited.
Get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
981. Come on, Mark. It's cool, man.
You using my fucking phone?
Copy !req
982. You calling your fucking
friends again? Huh?
Copy !req
983. You calling your friends,
your fantastic friends?
Copy !req
984. No. I mean, yes.
But I mean I'll—
Copy !req
985. Come on, man, just relax.
Mark, please.
Copy !req
986. Get the fuck out of here.
The fuck out of my house.
Copy !req
987. Get the fuck out of my house.
Copy !req
988. This is my house.
Don't be such a dick, man!
Copy !req
989. What the fuck?
Copy !req
990. Mark! You really wanna
do this, man?
Copy !req
991. Here we go.
We're really gonna do this?
Copy !req
992. That's right, motherfucker.
Copy !req
993. Come on, pussy.
Get up, dude.
Copy !req
994. Ooh!
Copy !req
995. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro.
I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.
Copy !req
996. Tiger got out of the cage, man.
All right? I'm sorry.
Come on, Mark.
Copy !req
997. Let's just chill.
Everyone just chill out.
Copy !req
998. Truce, man.
Copy !req
999. Right in the nads!
Copy !req
1000. This is for your friends.
Here, have another one.
Copy !req
1001. Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
Oh, my God. What do we do?
Copy !req
1002. Come on. come on.
Choose one.
Copy !req
1003. We can slip out the back, man.
Wait, wait. Come on.
Copy !req
1004. We're here. Let's
hurry up and do this.
Copy !req
1005. Are you crazy, man?
Wanna end up like that guy?
Copy !req
1006. Not me. I need my nuts,
man, for a lot of things.
Copy !req
1007. We need this liquor.
No. You need it. I don't.
Copy !req
1008. I'm just gonna tell Becca
how I feel. And then maybe
she'll get with me.
Copy !req
1009. I'm not gonna get her
drunk out of her mind.
Copy !req
1010. Oh, really? Then how come
you never made
a move, you pussy?
Copy !req
1011. Because I respect her, Seth.
I'm not gonna put that kind of
unfair pressure on her.
Copy !req
1012. Come on,
I don't see a problem.
Let's just do it.
Copy !req
1013. We're leaving, okay?
These guys could kill us, man.
You wanna get killed for liquor?
Copy !req
1014. No, but I would get
killed for pussy,
no questions asked.
Copy !req
1015. Fuck this, man.
You're just gonna bail on me?
Copy !req
1016. I'm going.
Fucking bitch.
Copy !req
1017. Move, people.
Copy !req
1018. Thank you.
Oh, I love this place.
Copy !req
1019. What the hell
is going on in there?
Copy !req
1020. If the bullets start flying,
hit the deck.
Copy !req
1021. You pissed everywhere,
you son of a bitch!
Copy !req
1022. Everywhere? You didn't
see me pissing anywhere.
Copy !req
1023. Sir, I don't know
what you're
talking about.
Copy !req
1024. Take your nuts
out of your shells!
Copy !req
1025. All right, Michaels,
I got your back.
Copy !req
1026. Why don't you show
this rummy how we roll?
Copy !req
1027. 10-4.
Copy !req
1028. Excuse me, sir.
Stop what you
are doing at once.
Copy !req
1029. Ah! Blue guys!
Resisting. Resisting!
Copy !req
1030. Slater!
Michaels!
Copy !req
1031. Everybody stay calm.
Copy !req
1032. Everybody stay calm.
Get the fuck out of my way!
Copy !req
1033. Stay calm! Fuck!
Copy !req
1034. Should I shoot him?
No, no, no!
Copy !req
1035. No!
Stop him, McLovin!
Copy !req
1036. McLovin, stop him!
Do it, do it, do it, do it!
Copy !req
1037. Please stop it,
you fucking bum.
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1038. McLovin! Nice!
Copy !req
1039. He just came at me.
I took him down.
Copy !req
1040. I'm buying you a beer, McLovin.
Copy !req
1041. I'm buying you one too.
You guys,
Copy !req
1042. take note. That's how
you take down a motherfucker.
Copy !req
1043. That's right.
Copy !req
1044. McLovin in the fucking house!
Copy !req
1045. Hey.
You dance hot.
Copy !req
1046. Thank you.
Copy !req
1047. Okay, okay.
Here we— Here we go.
Copy !req
1048. Hello?
Evan, it's Becca.
Copy !req
1049. Oh, Becca. Hi. Hey.
Copy !req
1050. Hello?
Hello. Hey. Becca.
Copy !req
1051. Becca—
Evan, can you hear me?
Copy !req
1052. Hello? What?
Can you hear—? Piece of shit!
Copy !req
1053. Guy sells me
a piece of shit fucking phone.
Copy !req
1054. Becca?
It's Becca.
Copy !req
1055. I get one bar
everywhere I fucking go.
Copy !req
1056. What is he saying?
Fucking asshole.
Copy !req
1057. I think—
What happened?
Copy !req
1058. Son-of-a-fucking-bitch
phone company.
Copy !req
1059. That's rude. Hello?
Fuck. You suck.
Copy !req
1060. Bullshit phone. Piece of shit.
Hello?
Copy !req
1061. I swear I'll bitchslap you
so fucking hard.
Copy !req
1062. What?
Bec—?
Copy !req
1063. Thanks.
Copy !req
1064. This is fucking crazy.
Copy !req
1065. Hey. Look what
fell out of the truck!
Copy !req
1066. You're full of shit.
Copy !req
1067. Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
1068. Dude. Dude.
We're so gonna
get fucked up.
Copy !req
1069. All right.
Hey.
Copy !req
1070. What is that?
Uh...
Copy !req
1071. I don't know. What?
Copy !req
1072. That fucking stain
on your pants, idiot.
What is that?
Copy !req
1073. What are you talking about, man?
Dude.
Copy !req
1074. Is that blood?
What the fuck is that?
Copy !req
1075. Are you bleeding?
I'm not cut or anything.
Copy !req
1076. Why would I be bleeding?
It's fucking blood, man.
Copy !req
1077. Were you dancing
with some chick in there?
Copy !req
1078. Yeah, so?
It's blood.
Copy !req
1079. Dude, that's not funny.
It's blood, dude.
Copy !req
1080. But why would I be bleeding?
Why the fuck would I be bl—?
Copy !req
1081. Dude, why would there
be bl—?
Copy !req
1082. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1083. Oh, shit.
I'm gonna fucking throw up.
Copy !req
1084. Someone perioded
on my fucking leg?
Copy !req
1085. Oh, shit.
What the fuck do I do?
Copy !req
1086. I've never before
seen that in my life!
Copy !req
1087. This is so disgusting.
Copy !req
1088. Yes, it is.
I'm gonna go get Bill.
Copy !req
1089. He's gotta check this shit out.
Fuck, yeah.
Copy !req
1090. No. Who's Bill?
Don't tell Bill! Bill has
nothing to do with this!
Copy !req
1091. Hey, calm down, calm down.
Let me get a picture
of that real quick.
Copy !req
1092. No, you can't have a picture!
Copy !req
1093. Dude, stop!
Bill, Bill! Check it out!
Copy !req
1094. This kid's got period blood
on his slacks.
Copy !req
1095. It's merlot.
That's what you don't get.
Copy !req
1096. Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's
got period blood on his pants!
Copy !req
1097. Please stop.
God, man, let me see.
Copy !req
1098. Oh, my God,
that's a fucking
man-gina, man.
Copy !req
1099. Do you need a tampon? I could—
Wait, wait. I have one! I have one!
Copy !req
1100. Yeah, right? I don't know.
Copy !req
1101. I gotta wash this merlot off.
Is this the line?
Copy !req
1102. What does it look like?
Copy !req
1103. Fuck me, right?
Copy !req
1104. Uh, yeah, I'm McLovin.
I'd like to buy some—
Copy !req
1105. Oh!
Copy !req
1106. Shit.
Copy !req
1107. Rewind, rewind.
Rewind it. Yeah!
Copy !req
1108. So hot. Let's see it again.
Oh!
Copy !req
1109. Your legs lifted off the ground.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1110. That is bona fide
badass, man.
Copy !req
1111. You gotta keep
that tape, McLovin.
It is badass.
Copy !req
1112. It really is.
Really?
Copy !req
1113. Well, don't you guys,
like, need it for,
like, evidence or...?
Copy !req
1114. The only thing that's evidence of
is you can take a hit like a champ.
Copy !req
1115. Seriously. Take that.
Copy !req
1116. Are there any ladies
we'd like to show
this tape to?
Copy !req
1117. No. You don't wanna meet a chick
in a bar, man. Seriously.
Copy !req
1118. That was a major turning point
in my life, when I realised that.
Copy !req
1119. You gotta go to other places.
You gotta go to a spin class,
a farmers' market,
Copy !req
1120. pumpkin patch,
given the time of year.
Copy !req
1121. Just somewhere social,
non-threatening.
Copy !req
1122. You know, something like that.
Yeah, I met the missus at paintball.
Copy !req
1123. Yeah, I shot her
in the neck.
And we just...
Copy !req
1124. And we just hit it off,
you know.
Copy !req
1125. My first wife—
Who is a whore,
by the way.
Copy !req
1126. —where do you think
I met her?
Copy !req
1127. A bar. A bar.
Copy !req
1128. It was this bar.
It was this bar.
Copy !req
1129. Yeah, it was this bar.
Copy !req
1130. Bought her a Binion's,
complimented her
on her tote bag,
Copy !req
1131. and next thing I know,
she's putting her mouth
around the tip of my penis.
Copy !req
1132. You don't have
to tell me that.
Copy !req
1133. Right in there.
She opened up my world, sexually.
Copy !req
1134. On our wedding night,
we had group sex.
Copy !req
1135. I wasn't involved in it.
Copy !req
1136. But I could hear it through the wall.
I was.
Copy !req
1137. She was amazing.
And then it was
exactly 23 months later
Copy !req
1138. that I found out that
she was an actual whore.
Copy !req
1139. We discovered her on the street.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1140. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1141. She was bad.
Fucking whoring bitch.
Copy !req
1142. But you got a new wife now, so...
Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
1143. And she is wonderful.
Copy !req
1144. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll meet her.
Copy !req
1145. You know what?
I bet I know
your trick, McLovin.
Copy !req
1146. You play the whole myst—
Copy !req
1147. Calling all units.
Copy !req
1148. Just turn that off.
Copy !req
1149. Send backup!
There's so much blood—!
Copy !req
1150. I bet you play the whole
mysterious-guy thing, right?
Copy !req
1151. Yeah, seriously.
How's it going
with the ladies?
Copy !req
1152. It's not the going with the ladies
I care about,
Copy !req
1153. it's the coming.
Copy !req
1154. I get it.
What is it? What is it?
Copy !req
1155. Like coming.
Copy !req
1156. That's funny. That is really funny.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1157. Whoo!
Copy !req
1158. All right, looks like we got a call.
We can't pay for these.
Copy !req
1159. 10-4. We'll be right there.
Copy !req
1160. Speedy Gonzales, let's go.
We should get road beers, huh?
Copy !req
1161. Hell, yeah, we should
get some road beers.
Copy !req
1162. Can I have 13 beers
to go, please?
Copy !req
1163. Please. God, my fucking leg.
Copy !req
1164. Fuck.
Copy !req
1165. I think it's him. Shh.
Oh, is it him?
Copy !req
1166. Hello?
Hey, Becca.
Copy !req
1167. Hi, I had a bad reception.
So, um, about your Goldslick...
Copy !req
1168. Guys, shut up.
Hey, what's going on over there?
Copy !req
1169. Oh, it's nothing. It's just—
Copy !req
1170. Um, I was just calling, you know,
to see if you were coming
Copy !req
1171. because I thought
maybe you were
stuck at, like, a nightclub
Copy !req
1172. or a cocktail party
or something.
Copy !req
1173. No, no, I'm gonna
be there for sure.
Full throttle.
Copy !req
1174. Charlie's Angels 2.
Awesome.
Copy !req
1175. I can't wait to see you. Evan?
Okay, bye.
Copy !req
1176. That was the first time
I ever did coke. Off that
bitch's nipple. That was so—
Copy !req
1177. A little white sniff.
That was awesome.
Copy !req
1178. That was gorgeous.
Copy !req
1179. Hey, hey, hey.
You guys,
stay in this room, man.
Copy !req
1180. They're gonna kill that guy tonight.
That chick's boyfriend is pissed.
Copy !req
1181. Yeah. He's a beast.
Copy !req
1182. I've been praying for a fight.
I'm literally waking up
every morning and praying
Copy !req
1183. to see a fucking fight.
Hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
1184. Who's that guy?
Copy !req
1185. Hi.
Who is that guy?
Copy !req
1186. Who's this guy?
Pleasure to see you fellas.
Copy !req
1187. Hi, everyone.
Copy !req
1188. Who are you?
I'm nobody.
Copy !req
1189. No, no, no. I know you.
I know you.
Copy !req
1190. He was at that party
with me. The one
I was telling you about.
Copy !req
1191. No, no.
Who is it?
Copy !req
1192. Remember? He's Jimmy's brother.
The guy. The singer.
Copy !req
1193. No shit.
He's the guy
Copy !req
1194. with the beautiful voice
I was telling you about.
Copy !req
1195. The fucking singer, Jimmy's brother!
That's not me, man.
Copy !req
1196. Oh, my God.
Sing for us! Sing.
Copy !req
1197. Oh, "It's not me"?
You fucking lying?
Copy !req
1198. No, I don't mean to
accuse you guys of
being ill-informed, but—
Copy !req
1199. My brother came from Scottsdale,
Arizona to be here tonight.
Copy !req
1200. And you're not
gonna sing for him?
Copy !req
1201. Fucking bullshit.
Sing.
Copy !req
1202. You're a fucking singer.
You sing. And you sing good.
Copy !req
1203. Sing it again.
Like a bird.
Copy !req
1204. No, I know, I just— I want to.
You want a line of cocaine?
Copy !req
1205. No way, man.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1206. Don't make this weird. Sing.
Copy !req
1207. Sing it again.
Turbo.
Copy !req
1208. Fuck! Over!
Okay, watch this.
Copy !req
1209. I'll get it right on the nose.
Copy !req
1210. You're gonna fuck it up.
You're gonna fuck it up.
Copy !req
1211. Under!
Copy !req
1212. I feel hammered.
That doesn't make
any sense.
Copy !req
1213. You're a fucking pussy.
Okay, okay. Great, great.
Copy !req
1214. Okay, McLovin, see if you can do it.
The kid's gonna nail it.
Copy !req
1215. Come on, McLovin.
Do it, buddy. Come on, buddy!
Copy !req
1216. Bring it!
0.08, motherfuckers!
Copy !req
1217. Man!
That's my boy!
Copy !req
1218. Yes!
Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck.
Copy !req
1219. So, what's it like
to have guns?
Copy !req
1220. It is awesome,
McLovin.
Copy !req
1221. I mean, it's mindbl—
It's great.
Copy !req
1222. I haven't had one for long,
only a few months,
but I'll tell you
Copy !req
1223. it's like having two cocks.
Yup.
Copy !req
1224. If one of your cocks
could kill someone.
Copy !req
1225. Can I hold one?
What?
Copy !req
1226. Can I hold one of your guns?
Copy !req
1227. Yeah, sure.
Fine with me. Why not?
Copy !req
1228. Everyone should hold a gun
at least a couple times.
Copy !req
1229. Yeah, there you go.
Copy !req
1230. Have a blast.
"Have a blast."
Copy !req
1231. That's funny.
I've never held one of these before.
Copy !req
1232. Are they hard to shoot?
Uh, if you're Michaels, they are.
Copy !req
1233. He can't shoot worth dick.
What?
Copy !req
1234. I can shoot. What are you—? Wait.
Copy !req
1235. You honestly saying
I can't shoot worth dick?
Copy !req
1236. You cannot shoot.
I shot that cat last week.
Copy !req
1237. It was already dead, man.
Copy !req
1238. I still shot it.
That cat was dead.
Copy !req
1239. There's only one way
to settle this, guys.
Copy !req
1240. Shoot-off.
Shoot-off.
Copy !req
1241. Shoot-off!
Shoot-off!
Copy !req
1242. Dude, there's a lot of
reasons why I like you.
Copy !req
1243. I mean, you're handsome
and you're a good friend.
Copy !req
1244. Dude, there he is. That's the guy.
Hey, Mark, right there.
Copy !req
1245. Oh, you got a stain too.
Copy !req
1246. We're blood brothers.
Shut the fuck up.
Copy !req
1247. You're in my house,
you answer my questions.
Copy !req
1248. What were you doing
dancing with Jacinda?
Copy !req
1249. I don't even dance. I just—
Copy !req
1250. I don't even dance ever, so—
I've never even tried it.
Copy !req
1251. Then where the hell did this
come from, asshole?
Copy !req
1252. Maybe you and I rubbed up against
each other at some point in time.
Copy !req
1253. I don't remember.
Or maybe it was some sort of
ricochet scenario. I don't know.
Copy !req
1254. How am I supposed to know?
Kick his ass, Mark.
Copy !req
1255. Shut the fuck up, Scarlett.
Copy !req
1256. Where do you get off
dancing with my fiancée?
Copy !req
1257. To some girl.
Copy !req
1258. Talk about the hurting.
Copy !req
1259. Aw, shit.
All right.
Copy !req
1260. Yo! Fight!
Move it!
Copy !req
1261. Go, check this out!
Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
1262. And what the hell is this?
Copy !req
1263. I don't fucking— It's detergent.
Yeah, what are you doing with it?
Copy !req
1264. I got fucking blood
on my pants.
Copy !req
1265. Get down.
Copy !req
1266. What the fuck is this all about,
man? Are you—?
Copy !req
1267. Well, fuck me.
Fellas.
Copy !req
1268. Oh, shit,
I've been tackled
by little girls!
Copy !req
1269. You die! You're next!
Copy !req
1270. I should fucking kill you,
you motherfucker!
Copy !req
1271. Hold him, Jimmy's brother!
Copy !req
1272. Hold him!
What do you mean? No. No way!
Copy !req
1273. You humiliated me!
I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1274. You used my leg as a tampon!
I'm calling the cops.
Copy !req
1275. Evan! Come on! Move!
Copy !req
1276. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1277. Yeah. Fifth and Paysview.
Hurry.
Copy !req
1278. Mark, I called the cops.
You should hide your gun.
Copy !req
1279. You're a fucking pussy.
Copy !req
1280. Don't listen to him, officer.
Copy !req
1281. If you make this,
we're no longer friends, Michaels.
Copy !req
1282. Shh. Cheating.
Copy !req
1283. You're a fucking pussy.
You're cheating.
Copy !req
1284. Fuck me.
Oh, suck on my nuts, Slater!
Copy !req
1285. All right, you—
That was a lucky shot.
Copy !req
1286. That was a lucky shot.
I rule.
Copy !req
1287. I got jizzed on.
All right.
Copy !req
1288. Can I shoot one?
Yeah, go nuts. Go nuts.
Copy !req
1289. Have a good time, man.
Copy !req
1290. Empty the clip.
Empty the clip on it, man.
Copy !req
1291. Shit!
The cops!
Copy !req
1292. Bail! Bail! Bail!
Shotgun, shotgun!
Damn it!
Copy !req
1293. Shotgun.
Copy !req
1294. What a rush.
What do you guys wanna do?
Copy !req
1295. Man, let's get drunk!
Let's get more fucked up!
Copy !req
1296. You're fucking
living the dream, Michaels!
Copy !req
1297. Oh, man.
Copy !req
1298. This is gonna be
the best night ever.
Copy !req
1299. Got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview.
Copy !req
1300. Aw, shit.
Copy !req
1301. All units in the area report
to Fifth and Paysview.
Copy !req
1302. Car 98, that's you. Do it.
Fuck.
Copy !req
1303. Shit.
Shit.
Copy !req
1304. Car 98 on it.
You dumb fucking whore.
Copy !req
1305. Hey, did she say we're gonna get
to shoot somebody or something?
Copy !req
1306. Oh, God, I wish.
Copy !req
1307. It's probably some lame
house party. We'll drop
you off after. Cool?
Copy !req
1308. Yeah, man.
Let's show these fuckers
how we roll!
Copy !req
1309. You fucking prick.
What?
Copy !req
1310. You bailed on me.
I didn't bail on you.
Copy !req
1311. Yeah, you did.
Copy !req
1312. You said you were gonna
do something
and you didn't do it.
Copy !req
1313. That's bailing.
Copy !req
1314. You're the one that dragged
me to that fucking party
with those lunatics.
Copy !req
1315. I didn't bail on you.
You bailed on me, okay?
Copy !req
1316. You bailed on me this morning
when Jesse spat on me,
Copy !req
1317. and you're bailing on me
next year.
Copy !req
1318. What the fuck?
It finally comes out.
That's good, man.
Copy !req
1319. We were supposed to go
to college together, Evan.
Copy !req
1320. Since we were little kids,
since elementary school,
Copy !req
1321. that's all we've ever
talked about, was us
going to college together.
Copy !req
1322. And you got into
fucking Dartmouth.
Copy !req
1323. You're making me feel
like I'm a bad guy.
Copy !req
1324. What—? I didn't do
anything wrong.
I got into a good school.
Copy !req
1325. How the fuck am I supposed
to get into Dartmouth?
You knew I couldn't.
Copy !req
1326. How fucking selfish
are you?
Copy !req
1327. You had no problem
letting Fogell take
the fall back there.
Copy !req
1328. You obviously don't want me
going to a good school.
Copy !req
1329. Fuck, man!
So what the fuck do you want?
Copy !req
1330. I'm not gonna let you
slow me down
anymore, Seth.
Copy !req
1331. What are you saying?
Copy !req
1332. I've wasted the last three years
of my life sitting around
talking bullshit with you.
Copy !req
1333. Instead of chasing girls
and making friends,
Copy !req
1334. I've just sat around
wasting all my time
with you.
Copy !req
1335. And now because of you
I'm going to college
a fucking friendless virgin.
Copy !req
1336. Is this about Becca?
This is about some girl, man?
Copy !req
1337. I like her!
Who gives a fuck?
Copy !req
1338. She's some fucking girl!
You gonna go out with her
for two years?
Copy !req
1339. What about after that?
Fuck you, you're a piece of shit.
Copy !req
1340. Fuck you! And next time
you're pissed off
about something,
Copy !req
1341. don't keep it inside
for 10 years, say it
like a fucking man!
Copy !req
1342. Don't touch me.
Fuck you!
Copy !req
1343. Hey, McLovin, are the numbers
on your side odd or even?
Copy !req
1344. I don't know. It's too dark to see.
We got flashlights.
Copy !req
1345. Oh, that's true.
Copy !req
1346. Bing.
Copy !req
1347. Where the fuck are we?
Copy !req
1348. Hey, Slater.
What's that?
Copy !req
1349. Slater.
Copy !req
1350. Now, young Michaels,
you will die.
Copy !req
1351. All right.
Come on, stop it.
I can't fucking see.
Copy !req
1352. You can't see?
No, I can't see. Fuck it.
Copy !req
1353. How do you like it?
Hey, fuck off, that hurts.
Copy !req
1354. You stop first.
Not until you stop.
Copy !req
1355. Stop it, asshole.
Hey, you stop.
Copy !req
1356. Fuck you, Evan!
Don't fucking touch me.
Copy !req
1357. Why did you do that?
Copy !req
1358. You shined a light in my face.
You shined a light in my face.
Copy !req
1359. I'm driving.
We were playing Lightsabers.
Copy !req
1360. Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1361. Are you guys gonna make sure
he's okay?
Copy !req
1362. Go out there and check on him.
You check.
Copy !req
1363. You go out there and check on him.
Fuck that. You go.
Copy !req
1364. Balls. Okay,
we'll both go out there
and check on him.
Copy !req
1365. I can't believe this
is happening again.
What are the odds?
Copy !req
1366. Fuck.
Copy !req
1367. Is everyone okay?
Yeah, we're great, thanks.
Copy !req
1368. Hey, hey,
where's the love?
Copy !req
1369. He's okay. He's fine.
Stand right next to your friend.
Copy !req
1370. Get over there.
I got them.
Copy !req
1371. You got these guys?
Copy !req
1372. You boys doing
a bit of drinking tonight?
Copy !req
1373. No, officer. Not at all. Not— We—
We found those.
Copy !req
1374. I don't believe you.
Copy !req
1375. Freeze. Stand right there.
Copy !req
1376. We're telling the truth.
Yeah. Keep it going.
Copy !req
1377. Don't be a hero tonight, guys.
Wrong night for that.
Copy !req
1378. This is your fault.
You gotta fucking
take care of this.
Copy !req
1379. No. Look, I am not fixing
your mistakes again, okay?
Fuck that shit.
Copy !req
1380. I don't wanna get shitcanned.
I happen to like this job.
Copy !req
1381. I like this job too.
I get free haircuts.
I'm not taking the fall.
Copy !req
1382. Okay, okay!
Copy !req
1383. We're gonna arrest
these two little dipshits, okay?
Copy !req
1384. And we're gonna
pin it on them.
Copy !req
1385. Yeah, do what you have to do.
Copy !req
1386. Spread your shit!
Copy !req
1387. Get on the ground!
Loaded gun, ready to go!
Copy !req
1388. Spread your shit!
Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
Copy !req
1389. Come on!
Please don't shoot, sir.
Copy !req
1390. "Please don't shoot."
Shut up and spread your shit!
Copy !req
1391. I am the law! Okay?
Copy !req
1392. Now hold hands.
Copy !req
1393. What?
Why?
Copy !req
1394. Because you don't want
an asshole where your face
used to be, Whaling Jennings.
Copy !req
1395. Hold his fucking hand!
Fucking hold my hand.
Copy !req
1396. There. That's not so hard, is it?
Copy !req
1397. Here, McLovin,
have a cigarette.
Copy !req
1398. Smoke up.
Life's short, you know.
Copy !req
1399. Suck it in, my friend.
Copy !req
1400. Suck it long and deep.
Copy !req
1401. Enjoy it.
Copy !req
1402. McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.
Copy !req
1403. You like Officer Slater and myself?
Yeah, you guys are awesome.
Copy !req
1404. Thanks. We really
like you too, McLovin.
Copy !req
1405. So here's
what's about to happen.
Copy !req
1406. We're gonna arrest
these two guys,
Copy !req
1407. you're gonna write a witness
report saying they leapt out
in front of our car like madmen
Copy !req
1408. and there was nothing
we could do to avoid
hitting them. Sound cool?
Copy !req
1409. Yeah, that's fine.
Good.
Copy !req
1410. That's good.
Pretend he's your little sister.
Copy !req
1411. Your little sister with the...
Copy !req
1412. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1413. Fagell?
Copy !req
1414. Shit!
Shit!
Copy !req
1415. Run! Run!
Copy !req
1416. Wait.
Copy !req
1417. Hold on, I gotta get
all the booze.
Seth, wait up!
Copy !req
1418. McLovin bailed!
Copy !req
1419. Chase the kid!
Copy !req
1420. Stop!
Copy !req
1421. Ah!
Copy !req
1422. That was a fast kid.
Copy !req
1423. I want a ride! You hear me?
You can't unarrest me!
Copy !req
1424. Stop!
Copy !req
1425. McLovin!
Come on.
Copy !req
1426. McLovin!
Copy !req
1427. McLovin! Why?
Copy !req
1428. McLovin, come back!
Copy !req
1429. GlRL 1:
Ow! My hand! Monster!
Nicole! Nicole, get Daddy.
Copy !req
1430. GlRL 2: Get Daddy.
GlRL 1: Get Daddy!
Copy !req
1431. Oh, shit.
Get away from my kids!
Copy !req
1432. You sick sons of bitches!
Copy !req
1433. Ow! What the fuck?
Copy !req
1434. Michaels, are you okay?
Copy !req
1435. It's just beer.
Oh, give me a break.
Copy !req
1436. It's just beer.
Man up.
Copy !req
1437. What happened?
What, did you lose him?
Copy !req
1438. He's a freak.
He's the fastest kid alive.
Copy !req
1439. This is not good.
He's the fastest kid alive.
Copy !req
1440. Fastest kid alive,
my ass. Come on.
What are we gonna do?
Copy !req
1441. I'll shoot my gun
in the air.
Copy !req
1442. Give me a fucking warning
before you do it.
Copy !req
1443. I'll scare him out of
wherever he's hiding.
Copy !req
1444. This isn't gonna
do shit.
Copy !req
1445. Shh. Shh.
Get in the car. Get in the car.
Copy !req
1446. This is your fault,
you piece of—
Copy !req
1447. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
They shot Seth.
Copy !req
1448. They fucking shot Seth,
I know it.
Copy !req
1449. Holy shit.
Copy !req
1450. Holy shit.
Ah!
Copy !req
1451. Should I run?
Yes.
Copy !req
1452. Fuck. Stop!
Stop the bus!
Copy !req
1453. Stop it!
It's stopping.
Copy !req
1454. It's stopping.
Oh, thank God.
Copy !req
1455. Hey, Evan, pay for me,
please.
Copy !req
1456. That's me and him.
Copy !req
1457. Hey, hey. It's you.
Copy !req
1458. McMuffin.
Copy !req
1459. You know this guy?
It's—
Copy !req
1460. Ain't got no cop people
to help you keep
your booze now, do you?
Copy !req
1461. Hey! Back the fuck up, man,
or I'll beat the shit out of you.
Copy !req
1462. Give me the booze.
Hey! Back the fuck up.
Copy !req
1463. Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up.
Copy !req
1464. Please, please, calm down, sir.
Copy !req
1465. Goldslick.
Copy !req
1466. Get off the bus
or I'm calling the cops.
Copy !req
1467. Eat shit, bum.
Copy !req
1468. Oh, shit, guys. We're
three blocks away,
man. We made it.
Copy !req
1469. We made it with
the booze and
everything.
Copy !req
1470. We made it.
Copy !req
1471. Hold this.
Copy !req
1472. I can't believe
you still have the liquor.
Copy !req
1473. That's awesome.
Copy !req
1474. Yeah, I told you
the idea would work.
I fooled those cops.
Copy !req
1475. I'm McLovin. Whoo!
I am McLovin.
Copy !req
1476. Why do you guys
have detergent?
Copy !req
1477. I don't understand why
you were smoking cigarettes
with those cops.
Copy !req
1478. Because I fucking rule.
Copy !req
1479. We are so gonna get laid tonight.
I am. I'm gonna get laid.
Copy !req
1480. We're finally
gonna get our drinks on.
Chica, chica, yeah.
Copy !req
1481. I can't believe
Becca's bottle broke.
Copy !req
1482. I'm sure it'll be fine.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1483. I thought you didn't
need it anyway. You were
gonna tell her how you feel.
Copy !req
1484. Good luck getting Jules
drunk enough
to have sex with you.
Copy !req
1485. What's wrong with you guys?
Nothing.
Copy !req
1486. You two femmes can talk
about it next year at
your little slumber party.
Copy !req
1487. Oh, you told him.
Copy !req
1488. Told me what?
Yeah. You're an idiot, Fogell.
Copy !req
1489. Well, we gotta tell him now.
No, we—
Copy !req
1490. Well, he knows
something's up.
Copy !req
1491. What are you guys
talking about?
Tell me now.
Copy !req
1492. Seth, me and Evan
are rooming together
next year at college.
Copy !req
1493. What's the big deal?
Copy !req
1494. "Oh, my God,
Fogell's rooming with Evan."
Copy !req
1495. Jeez, why don't you
go cry about it?
Copy !req
1496. I didn't tell you because—
Because you're a backstabber
Copy !req
1497. and you lied to your best friend
and only want to hang out with Fogell
and you just don't care anymore?
Copy !req
1498. I didn't expect this
from you, Evan.
Copy !req
1499. Not from you.
Copy !req
1500. Give me that booze, Fagell.
Copy !req
1501. We never should
have had to hide
our arrangement.
Copy !req
1502. Seth's here.
Seth, you're here.
Copy !req
1503. Hi. Everybody,
Seth has got it.
Copy !req
1504. Evan.
Gaby, hey.
Copy !req
1505. Where have you been?
You almost blew it.
Copy !req
1506. What are you talking about?
Becca. She's been waiting for you.
Copy !req
1507. She's over there.
Copy !req
1508. She's way smashed.
Copy !req
1509. And she's been yammering
about you all night.
Copy !req
1510. Really? What was
she saying?
Copy !req
1511. She told you that she thinks
I'm a good guy?
Copy !req
1512. No, no. She said
something more like:
Copy !req
1513. "I will fully blow him tonight."
Copy !req
1514. What?
I know.
Copy !req
1515. Yeah.
But she's totally hammered,
Copy !req
1516. and if I get with her
and I'm not drunk,
isn't that unethical?
Copy !req
1517. Oh. Not if you're drunk too.
Copy !req
1518. I guess not.
Copy !req
1519. To Seth.
Copy !req
1520. To Seth!
All right.
Copy !req
1521. Who the fuck is Seth?
Copy !req
1522. I'm Seth!
Copy !req
1523. Let's do another one to me.
Copy !req
1524. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
1525. Calm down.
Calm down, man.
Copy !req
1526. Calm down.
She likes you.
Copy !req
1527. She wants to suck on your penis.
Copy !req
1528. It's a good thing.
Copy !req
1529. It's the best thing.
Copy !req
1530. Just down the hatch.
Copy !req
1531. Fogell. What's up?
Copy !req
1532. Evan, hey. Evie, come here.
Copy !req
1533. Can you please help me up?
Copy !req
1534. I fell down and
none of these assholes
will help me up.
Copy !req
1535. Shit.
Becca.
Copy !req
1536. I have been waiting for you
for, like, ever.
Copy !req
1537. What took you so long?
I know, it—
Copy !req
1538. No, I can't even—
Do you have my Goldslick?
Copy !req
1539. It's such
a crazy story, okay?
Copy !req
1540. I swear I was try—
It doesn't even matter.
Copy !req
1541. Look. Look what we—
We can just drink this.
Copy !req
1542. Here. You could have a drink.
Oh, no.
Copy !req
1543. I'm already pretty wasted.
Take a drink.
Copy !req
1544. Okay, here's to you.
This is to Becca.
Copy !req
1545. To Becca.
Copy !req
1546. To the respecting—
Guys.
Copy !req
1547. —women. To people
respecting women.
Copy !req
1548. Okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
1549. You're a lightweight.
Copy !req
1550. Hey.
Copy !req
1551. You and me,
we should go upstairs, because—
Copy !req
1552. Because I need to
tell you something. Okay?
Copy !req
1553. You could just tell me
here, I mean...
Copy !req
1554. I can't tell you, because
it's a secret for you from me.
Copy !req
1555. All right.
So come. Come on. Okay.
Copy !req
1556. Bye, guys.
Bye.
Copy !req
1557. Bye-bye.
Bye.
Copy !req
1558. You changed your name
to McLovin? Wow.
Copy !req
1559. That's so cool.
Thanks.
Copy !req
1560. So, like, what's Hawaii like?
Hm?
Copy !req
1561. All right. I am back.
Copy !req
1562. I had to thank the peeps
for coming out, you know.
Copy !req
1563. Jules. I want you
to have a drink with me.
Copy !req
1564. Just drink some of this.
You're gonna love it.
Copy !req
1565. You're to—
I know you're gonna love it.
Copy !req
1566. You know, I—
It's green beer. For your information.
Copy !req
1567. You know, I'm actually good
right now. But thank you.
Copy !req
1568. And thank you
very much for bringing
everything, again.
Copy !req
1569. Seriously, it really
made the night.
Copy !req
1570. No, that's how I roll.
That's the thing.
Copy !req
1571. It's no problems.
You'll learn that.
Copy !req
1572. I love talking
and conversing with you.
Copy !req
1573. But I can't hear you, though,
because the music is so loud.
Copy !req
1574. So do you wanna go outside
and talk more?
Copy !req
1575. Um...
Copy !req
1576. Yeah. Sorry, sure.
You know, why not?
Copy !req
1577. Let's do it.
I haven't conversed in ages.
Copy !req
1578. Okay. Ladies— Ladies first.
Okay.
Copy !req
1579. Thank you very much.
No problem.
Copy !req
1580. Watch your step. I fell earlier today.
Are you serious?
Copy !req
1581. Well, I was hit by a car.
It's a long story.
Copy !req
1582. Oh, shit. Careful.
Okay, well...
Copy !req
1583. So loud. Don't let
the parents hear.
Copy !req
1584. You look so pretty.
Copy !req
1585. Are you okay?
I so flirt with you in math.
Copy !req
1586. Tell me about it. I— Samesies.
Copy !req
1587. I've wanted to tell you
for so long that
you're the best girl.
Copy !req
1588. I know. I've wanted to
get with you, like,
so hard.
Copy !req
1589. Like so hard.
Copy !req
1590. You're the best.
Copy !req
1591. We'll take this sweater off.
I think so.
Copy !req
1592. Just be careful, because
it's a meaningful sweater
to me. It's vintage.
Copy !req
1593. Okay.
Copy !req
1594. Bought it at that vintage market.
Just hurry.
Copy !req
1595. And this one.
It's off.
Copy !req
1596. Hey, wait, careful.
Copy !req
1597. Oh, shit.
Oh, my.
Copy !req
1598. Put that there.
Copy !req
1599. Now, looky, looky,
Okay.
Copy !req
1600. what I got for you under here.
Oh, my gosh.
Copy !req
1601. You are the prettiest girl
Copy !req
1602. this side of the Mississippi.
I have a little something
Copy !req
1603. for you under here.
Copy !req
1604. You look so pretty.
Copy !req
1605. Look so pretty.
Under there.
Copy !req
1606. Hello.
Copy !req
1607. For you.
Copy !req
1608. You're the best. You're so unique.
Copy !req
1609. Come here.
Copy !req
1610. Evan, kiss me.
Copy !req
1611. I like you so much.
Copy !req
1612. Come on, McLovin.
Copy !req
1613. I've never been
with an older guy before.
Copy !req
1614. Well, it's way better.
Copy !req
1615. I know, we made some
kick-ass tiramisu earlier.
Copy !req
1616. It was deli— It looked weird.
But it was delicious.
Copy !req
1617. Whoa.
Copy !req
1618. What—? What's wrong?
Copy !req
1619. I— I would prefer
if we would just do that
Copy !req
1620. at some other time.
Copy !req
1621. No. There is no other time.
School is up.
Copy !req
1622. What's wrong with right now?
Well, I mean, you're— You're drunk.
Copy !req
1623. You're, like, really, really drunk.
So? You're drunk. You're drunk, Jules.
Copy !req
1624. Yeah, I'm actually—
I'm not drunk at all.
Copy !req
1625. I don't even drink, so it's...
I mean...
Copy !req
1626. Jules, you drink. You drink.
Copy !req
1627. Everybody— You— You had me
get liquor, so you drink.
Copy !req
1628. It's like...
Copy !req
1629. Well, yeah, because
I'm throwing a party, remember?
Copy !req
1630. Other people drink
and so I just...
Copy !req
1631. You...?
Copy !req
1632. You don't wanna, you know?
Copy !req
1633. Not, uh, right now.
Copy !req
1634. You know, not while
you're drunk.
Copy !req
1635. But, you know, thank you.
Copy !req
1636. Evan. Evan, I'm so wet.
Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1637. They said that would
happen in health,
when I learned about it.
Copy !req
1638. Yeah.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1639. They taught me about— Oh!
Who's down there?
Copy !req
1640. Yeah, it's your hand.
Copy !req
1641. Ah-ha-ha.
Copy !req
1642. Thank you, that's good.
You have such a smooth cock.
Copy !req
1643. Thank you.
You would too
if you were a man.
Copy !req
1644. But you got
such a smooth chest.
Copy !req
1645. I am gonna give you
Copy !req
1646. the best blow-J ever
Copy !req
1647. with my mouth.
Copy !req
1648. Why don't we—?
Why don't we just
kiss a while?
Copy !req
1649. Why don't we
keep kissing for a bit,
instead of...?
Copy !req
1650. How badly do you
wanna fuck me?
Copy !req
1651. Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
1652. Jesus, fuck.
Copy !req
1653. Hang on, one second.
What?
Copy !req
1654. Becca, I don't think
you wanna do this.
Copy !req
1655. You're really drunk.
No, I'm not. I am not drunk.
Copy !req
1656. I see that you are. I think you are.
And I really— I want you inside me.
Copy !req
1657. I want you to be my first.
I want you inside me.
Copy !req
1658. So just— Just go with it.
Copy !req
1659. Let it happen.
I know, but...
Copy !req
1660. Becca, this is kind of intense.
Copy !req
1661. And I just— I'm so drunk.
I can't even, like, process this.
Copy !req
1662. And, um, you're really pretty.
Copy !req
1663. And I just think
this isn't how I pictured it.
Copy !req
1664. I don't understand why
you have to be
such a little bitch about it.
Copy !req
1665. Did you just call me a bitch?
Yes, a scared—
Copy !req
1666. See, l, like, I think
we're not thinking clear—
Copy !req
1667. Holy shit. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1668. Go get Gaby.
I'll go get her.
Copy !req
1669. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Go get Gaby, please.
Copy !req
1670. I got a boner.
Good.
Copy !req
1671. Do you have a condom?
Yes.
Copy !req
1672. And lube.
Copy !req
1673. Seth?
Copy !req
1674. Are—? Are you crying?
Copy !req
1675. No, I just have something
in both my eyes.
Copy !req
1676. I don't cry. That's funny.
Copy !req
1677. You look— You look—
It looks like you're crying.
Copy !req
1678. So...
Copy !req
1679. It was my last chance
and I fucked it up, and—
Copy !req
1680. Your last chance to do what?
Copy !req
1681. To make you my girlfriend
for the summer.
Copy !req
1682. You're, like,
the coolest person
that's ever talked to me.
Copy !req
1683. I thought we'd both
be drunk.
Copy !req
1684. What does me being drunk
have anything to do with it?
Copy !req
1685. You'd never get with me
if you were sober.
Copy !req
1686. Look at you.
Copy !req
1687. Look at me.
Seth, come on, you didn't blow it.
Copy !req
1688. I think maybe—
Copy !req
1689. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1690. Help me.
Ow!
Copy !req
1691. Shirley.
Copy !req
1692. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1693. Someone forgot to call pest control.
Copy !req
1694. Yep.
Copy !req
1695. Where you going?
Hey, party's still on.
Copy !req
1696. Where are you going?
Oh, no.
Copy !req
1697. If you're back there, get out.
Everyone, come on.
Copy !req
1698. We will shoot you.
Party's over.
Copy !req
1699. Evan.
Get the hell out of here.
Copy !req
1700. Keep your hands up.
Copy !req
1701. Life's bullshit, Miroki.
Copy !req
1702. Ev, wake the fuck up, man.
Copy !req
1703. We gotta go.
Those fucking cops
are here, man.
Copy !req
1704. "Oh, no, it's the cops."
We have a complaint.
Copy !req
1705. Evan, come on.
Copy !req
1706. Get the hell out of here right now.
Copy !req
1707. Get out of here, pal.
She's not interested.
Copy !req
1708. Drop the crantini
and move it, sister.
Copy !req
1709. See you, sugar tits.
Guys, come on, move.
Copy !req
1710. Everybody out.
Leave the booze and go.
Copy !req
1711. What the fuck, man?
Copy !req
1712. What the fuck, Seth?
Copy !req
1713. He's my best friend. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1714. Oh, shit. Come on.
Copy !req
1715. I assume you all have guns
and crack.
Copy !req
1716. Oh, my God, come on. Don't stop.
Copy !req
1717. Okay, everyone,
Copy !req
1718. prepare to be fucked
by the long dick of the law.
Copy !req
1719. Get out.
Copy !req
1720. Come on, go.
Copy !req
1721. Fuck off, Seth.
Copy !req
1722. Get a room.
Copy !req
1723. I'm gonna save you.
I'm gonna save you, Evan.
Copy !req
1724. Fuck.
Copy !req
1725. Fuck. Fuck, man, so heavy.
Copy !req
1726. It's in. Oh, my God, it's in.
Copy !req
1727. All right, everybody out.
Come on, let's go.
Copy !req
1728. McLovin! What the fuck?
Copy !req
1729. Officer Slater, is that you?
You ran away from us.
Copy !req
1730. Why did you run away?
Michaels, get up here.
Copy !req
1731. No. I didn't run away.
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1732. Why would you do that?
Copy !req
1733. I was disoriented from—
Were you violating that girl?
Copy !req
1734. You just violated her
with your penis?
Michaels, look.
Copy !req
1735. McLovin?
No, no, no.
Copy !req
1736. No.
Whoa.
Copy !req
1737. Holy shit. Were you
just getting laid?
Copy !req
1738. No. Yeah, I was, but—
Copy !req
1739. Yes, yes, he was.
It's not what you think, guys.
Copy !req
1740. I'm not even—
Sit the fuck down. Stay down.
Copy !req
1741. Calm down.
I thought we were friends,
Copy !req
1742. and then you go running away.
Copy !req
1743. Contain yourself.
Copy !req
1744. We're friends.
Shut up.
Copy !req
1745. Calm down. Calm down, man.
Why? What?
Copy !req
1746. You just cock-blocked
McLovin. Okay?
Copy !req
1747. He's our friend.
We don't do that.
Copy !req
1748. We should be guiding
his cock, not blocking it.
Copy !req
1749. Just relax, okay?
Let's make this right.
Copy !req
1750. Wait, what are you—?
What are you guys doing?
Copy !req
1751. No, please, I can't—
I can't go to jail.
Please, I can't go to jail.
Copy !req
1752. No, look. We're really
sorry, McLovin.
Copy !req
1753. This has— This has
gone on— This has
gone way too far.
Copy !req
1754. What? What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
1755. We know you're
not 25, man. We're
not idiots, McLovin.
Copy !req
1756. Yeah.
Did you know the whole time?
Copy !req
1757. Look, when we
were your age,
we hated cops.
Copy !req
1758. When we saw you
in the liquor store
today, we just...
Copy !req
1759. I guess we saw
a bit of ourselves,
you know,
Copy !req
1760. and we just wanted
to show you that,
Copy !req
1761. you know, cops can have
a fun time too, you know?
Copy !req
1762. Yeah.
Copy !req
1763. You know, in a way,
I think we wanted
to show ourselves.
Copy !req
1764. Also, I'm...
Copy !req
1765. I'm really sorry that
I blocked your cock.
Copy !req
1766. Apology accepted.
Seriously, man.
Copy !req
1767. That feels good.
Copy !req
1768. It feels so good.
I missed you guys.
Copy !req
1769. I just wish we could
make it up to you
somehow, man.
Copy !req
1770. Well, do you think
you can do me
a really big favour?
Copy !req
1771. What is it? Anything.
Name it.
Copy !req
1772. This kid's fucking crazy.
Copy !req
1773. Stay back for your own safety.
Copy !req
1774. Get off me, you fucking cops.
Get your hands off me.
Copy !req
1775. Do you know who I am?
I'm Fogell.
Copy !req
1776. The joint can't hold me.
Holy shit, Fogell's a badass.
Copy !req
1777. I'm gonna break your glasses,
you fucking cop. You can't hold me.
Copy !req
1778. Fucking pigs.
Copy !req
1779. Oh!
Copy !req
1780. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1781. Nice mullet, asshole.
Copy !req
1782. He's crazy.
This kid's crazy.
Copy !req
1783. He's nuts.
Well, we caught
the infamous Fogell.
Copy !req
1784. Get your hands—
Wait for me, Nicola.
Copy !req
1785. Wait for me on the outside.
Copy !req
1786. We were gonna go to Hawaii.
Copy !req
1787. Man, that's gonna
get you so much ass.
Copy !req
1788. Seriously?
Copy !req
1789. I know what to do about the car.
Sweet.
Copy !req
1790. Fucking go. Fucking throw up.
Copy !req
1791. Are you carrying me?
Copy !req
1792. No, I'm saving you from the cops.
Copy !req
1793. You saved me?
Copy !req
1794. Well, I don't know
what you're talking
about, but thanks.
Copy !req
1795. Can I—?
Should I just walk?
Copy !req
1796. Should I walk?
Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
1797. Okay.
Where do you wanna go?
Copy !req
1798. Sleepover at my house?
You wanna come sleep...?
Copy !req
1799. Okay.
Okay.
Copy !req
1800. Does your mom
still have
pizza bagels?
Copy !req
1801. Yeah. Lots.
Copy !req
1802. Pizza bagels.
Copy !req
1803. So by signing this,
you are officially saying
Copy !req
1804. that as we stopped you
from being mugged,
Copy !req
1805. a crackhead stole our cruiser
and did God knows what with it.
Copy !req
1806. You cool to sign that?
Of course. I owe you guys my life.
Copy !req
1807. We owe you, Mc— Wait,
what's your real name again?
Copy !req
1808. Fogell.
Fuck that.
Copy !req
1809. We're calling you McLovin.
McLovin.
Copy !req
1810. Let's do this dance, boys.
Copy !req
1811. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1812. What did I tell you guys, right?
Copy !req
1813. That was crazy.
Copy !req
1814. All right.
Copy !req
1815. All right, now, guys,
check this out.
Copy !req
1816. It's probably the greatest move
in doughnut-spinning history.
Copy !req
1817. You paying attention?
Copy !req
1818. Behold, the upward-spiralling pigtail.
Copy !req
1819. Why is it called that?
I don't know!
Copy !req
1820. Make the badge proud, Slater.
Copy !req
1821. He's not usually this drunk
when he does this,
Copy !req
1822. but I think
that could make it more cool.
Copy !req
1823. McLovin!
Copy !req
1824. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1825. Fuck.
Copy !req
1826. Slater!
Officer Slater.
Copy !req
1827. All right. Fucking crazy.
Copy !req
1828. Let's do this.
Copy !req
1829. Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Let's go. Go, go.
Copy !req
1830. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
Copy !req
1831. I'm out, I'm out.
Good, here we go, here we go.
Copy !req
1832. Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up.
Copy !req
1833. Don't blow yourself up, asshole.
Copy !req
1834. Oh!
Copy !req
1835. Yes. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1836. It worked. It worked.
Copy !req
1837. We won. We won.
Copy !req
1838. Can we shoot at it?
Copy !req
1839. I don't know. Can you?
Copy !req
1840. Break yourself,
fool.
Copy !req
1841. Tight.
Copy !req
1842. Listen, and then she said
she was gonna give me a blow-J.
Copy !req
1843. I can't believe
she said that to you.
Copy !req
1844. Man, you have no idea.
Copy !req
1845. What was she thinking?
You don't even know.
Copy !req
1846. I gotta tell you.
I gotta tell you
something, Evan.
Copy !req
1847. What?
Copy !req
1848. I was in your room, like,
three weeks ago
Copy !req
1849. while you were taking a shit.
Copy !req
1850. And I saw your housing,
like, forms.
Copy !req
1851. So I knew you and Fogell
were gonna live together,
you know.
Copy !req
1852. I'm sorry, man, I don't know.
Copy !req
1853. I should've told you.
I don't know why I didn't.
Copy !req
1854. Don't— No, don't be sorry.
I should be sorry.
Copy !req
1855. I was being a dick.
I was being a big dick to you.
Copy !req
1856. No, l—
Copy !req
1857. Listen, Seth, I want you
to know, I don't wanna
live with Fogell.
Copy !req
1858. I never wanted
to live with him.
I just don't— I ha—
Copy !req
1859. I'm afraid to live
with strangers.
Copy !req
1860. I can't.
Copy !req
1861. I can't do it.
Copy !req
1862. I know, I know.
Copy !req
1863. I can't believe
you saved me.
Copy !req
1864. You saved me.
Copy !req
1865. I can't believe.
I owe you so—
Copy !req
1866. You carried me. I love you.
Copy !req
1867. I love you, man.
Copy !req
1868. I love you.
Copy !req
1869. I love you. I'm not even
embarrassed to say it. I just—
Copy !req
1870. I lo— I love you.
Copy !req
1871. I'm not embarrassed.
I love you.
Copy !req
1872. I love you.
Copy !req
1873. Why don't we say that
every day? Why can't we
say it more often?
Copy !req
1874. I just love you. I just wanna
go to the rooftops and scream:
Copy !req
1875. "I love my best friend, Evan."
Copy !req
1876. We should go up on my roof.
For sure.
Copy !req
1877. Like, when you went away
for Easter, on your vacation,
I missed you.
Copy !req
1878. I missed you too.
I want the world to know.
Copy !req
1879. It's— It's the most beautiful
thing in the world.
Copy !req
1880. Boop. Boop, boop.
Copy !req
1881. Come here. Come here, man.
Copy !req
1882. I love you.
I love you.
Copy !req
1883. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1884. What up?
Morning. Morning.
Copy !req
1885. I should get moving.
I should get moving.
Copy !req
1886. I should be getting
a move on, for sure.
Copy !req
1887. Yeah, you don't—
I mean, you don't
have to, you know.
Copy !req
1888. I don't really have
anything going on.
Copy !req
1889. You don't have to
rush off like that.
Copy !req
1890. You wanna hang out?
Copy !req
1891. I was gonna go to the mall.
Copy !req
1892. I have to get a new comforter.
Copy !req
1893. For college. The mall,
they would sell that.
Copy !req
1894. Cool. So, uh,
Copy !req
1895. your mom's got huge tits.
Copy !req
1896. What do you think?
Copy !req
1897. I don't know, man.
Don't ask me.
Copy !req
1898. Because I don't give a shit
how pants look.
Copy !req
1899. Yeah, I need
someone's opinion.
Copy !req
1900. Those are too tight.
Those are way too tight.
Copy !req
1901. Yeah, but, like—
Way too tight. You need to upgrade.
Copy !req
1902. There's not enough pants where
there should be more pant in there.
Copy !req
1903. Yeah, but— I mean,
does it look weird?
Copy !req
1904. Looks like you're standing funny.
You wouldn't be standing like that.
Like a duck.
Copy !req
1905. Yeah, but I'm doing like—
Copy !req
1906. I'm doing a college pose, it's like—
I don't know if you are.
Copy !req
1907. You might just be doing—
Hey, prof.
Copy !req
1908. Okay.
That test was— Whoo!
Copy !req
1909. Hey, Susan. Are you gonna
party tonight or no?
Copy !req
1910. Yeah, but that's just—
It's like I wish there were
more pants where—
Copy !req
1911. You know,
where there aren't.
Copy !req
1912. But when I was wearing
your dad's pants last night,
Copy !req
1913. I realised that if I wear pants
that are a little too small,
Copy !req
1914. it might encourage me
to lose a little weight.
Copy !req
1915. And also, chicks can
kind of see, like,
Copy !req
1916. you know, the borders
and outline of
my dick a little.
Copy !req
1917. Yeah, man, they
go nuts for that.
The male camel toe.
Copy !req
1918. Yeah, the camel tail.
It's right—
Copy !req
1919. I know where it is,
where it happens.
Copy !req
1920. Like, right there.
Copy !req
1921. It's like they're so tight
that one ball is,
like, above my dick, even.
Copy !req
1922. Yeah, exactly.
It's like three.
Copy !req
1923. It's like a three thing.
It's like ball, dick, ball.
Copy !req
1924. It's like a division sign.
Copy !req
1925. Like a bunch of people
crammed into a van.
Copy !req
1926. Like, does my ass
look weird?
Copy !req
1927. It makes a lot of stuff
look weird.
Copy !req
1928. No, those are way too tight.
Copy !req
1929. You're right, these look stupid.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
1930. I'm really sorry about
that. I can't believe
I actually did that.
Copy !req
1931. I feel bad that I'm making you
buy me a new one.
Copy !req
1932. It's seems, like, ridiculous.
Copy !req
1933. No. I have to, it's puke. It's gross.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1934. Do alcoholics get hangovers?
Copy !req
1935. Holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit. It's them.
Copy !req
1936. What the fuck do we do, man?
Don't stop. I don't know.
Copy !req
1937. Hey.
Hey.
Copy !req
1938. How's it going?
Copy !req
1939. It's so good to—
How are you feeling?
Copy !req
1940. I've felt better.
But I'll be fine.
How about you?
Copy !req
1941. I'm okay, you know, yeah.
Did you have fun last night?
Copy !req
1942. Uh...
Copy !req
1943. You know, I actually
don't remember much.
Copy !req
1944. I don't remember anything.
Copy !req
1945. So weird.
Nothing.
Copy !req
1946. Um, I didn't puke
on you, did l?
Copy !req
1947. You didn't. I remember
that you— I avoided it.
Copy !req
1948. It whizzed right by me,
and I said, "Stay away
from me," you know.
Copy !req
1949. I'm really sorry about everything
last night, and I just...
Copy !req
1950. Thank you for being
such a nice guy about it all.
Copy !req
1951. That's okay, you know.
Copy !req
1952. At least you don't have
a black eye from it.
Copy !req
1953. That looks terrible.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1954. You look great. You don't
look terrible. It's just,
like, a bad bruise.
Copy !req
1955. Everything's great,
just from he—
This, just like right there.
Copy !req
1956. Your eye.
Yeah, your eye.
Copy !req
1957. Everything else is great.
Copy !req
1958. But seriously, I acted like
a fucking idiot last night.
Copy !req
1959. You don't deserve that.
So I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1960. On the upside,
I think you look cool
with a black eye.
Copy !req
1961. I'm just gonna
throw that out there.
I don't— I don't know.
Copy !req
1962. Well, thank you, smart guy.
Thanks. That's actually,
uh, why I'm here.
Copy !req
1963. Because I have to get
a ton of cover-up
for the grad photo.
Copy !req
1964. Oh, man. Fuck.
Copy !req
1965. And I'm gonna get Jules
a new comforter.
Copy !req
1966. I have to get
a comforter too.
For college.
Copy !req
1967. Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I just figured I would need one.
Copy !req
1968. So, Seth...
Copy !req
1969. So do you wanna
come buy me
cover-up or something?
Copy !req
1970. I mean,
you kind of owe me.
Copy !req
1971. Yeah, definitely.
I would love to do that.
Copy !req
1972. I had such
bad acne last year
Copy !req
1973. that I pretty much became,
like, an expert on the stuff.
Copy !req
1974. Well, you drove.
Evan drove me here,
though, so...
Copy !req
1975. Well, so—
Well, I mean,
I have my dad's car.
Copy !req
1976. So I could just
give you a lift,
Copy !req
1977. and then Evan
could take Becca home.
Copy !req
1978. If that works.
I don't know
if it's in your route.
Copy !req
1979. It'd be fine with me.
Copy !req
1980. Fine, yeah.
Maybe we can get some food.
Copy !req
1981. Yeah, I'd like that.
Copy !req
1982. So I guess I'll call you, then.
Copy !req
1983. Yeah, give me a call.
Yeah, you have my number.
Copy !req
1984. I have your information.
So put her there.
Copy !req
1985. Perfect. Good.
All right, man.
Copy !req
1986. Okay.
Okay, guys.
Copy !req
1987. Becca.
Bye, guys.
Copy !req
1988. Bye, have fun.
See you, Jules.
Copy !req
1989. Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.
Copy !req
1990. Where do you wanna
go to eat?
Copy !req
1991. I'm gonna fuck her.
Copy !req
1992. So can you honestly
help me figure out
what kind of cover-up to get?
Copy !req
1993. I love you.
Copy !req