1. Yo.
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2. Hey, I was doing some research
for next year...
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3. and I think I figured out
which website I wanna subscribe to.
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4. - The Vag-tastic Voyage.
- Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?
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5. The Vag-tastic Voyage
is the one where...
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6. they find random girls on the street,
and they invite them into a van...
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7. and then they bang them
in the van.
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8. It's like 13 bucks a month...
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9. and you get access
to other sites.
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10. Like one's Latina, one's Asian,
you know, there's one for fetishes...
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11. like feet and pee-pee and shit
and stuff like that.
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12. That's disgusting.
You're like an animal.
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13. I'm- What? I'm disgusting?
You're the weird one, man.
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14. Don't make me feel weird
because I like porn.
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15. You're weird for not liking porn.
I'm normal as shit.
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16. Peeing on people. That's normal?
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17. Evan, I'm not saying
I'm gonna look at it.
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18. I'm just saying that
it comes with the site, okay?
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19. I don't know what I'm gonna be into
10 years from now.
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20. I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff.
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21. I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar,
I want a little production value.
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22. Like some editing, transition,
something. Some music.
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23. Yeah, well, I'm sorry the Coen brothers
don't direct the porn that I watch.
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24. They're hard to get ahold of, okay?
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25. Plus your parents are gonna be
looking at the bill, dipshit.
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26. Yeah, you're right. I probably should
pick the one with the least dirty name.
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27. What about, like, Perfect Ten?
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28. Something like that, you know?
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29. Like Perfect Ten?
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30. Because that could be
any number of things.
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31. They can't really get you for that.
That could be, like, a bowling website.
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32. Yeah, but they don't really show dick
going in, which is a huge concern.
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33. I didn't realize that.
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34. Plus, have you ever seen
a vagina by itself?
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35. Not for me.
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36. Hi.
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37. - Thanks for taking him, Seth.
- No- No problem, Jane.
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38. - How are you?
- Good.
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39. Beautiful.
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40. - Don't touch that.
- What are you-?
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41. - I'm not a piece of meat.
- You two are funny.
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42. I can't imagine what you're gonna do
without each other next year.
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43. Evan told me
you didn't get into Dartmouth.
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44. I got into some schools, some
pretty good ones. So I'll be fine.
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45. - You gonna miss each other?
- No. Miss each other? No, thank you.
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46. I don't- I don't miss each other.
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47. I'm gonna cry myself
to sleep every night.
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48. - Me too.
- When I'm out partying.
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49. Go to school, boys.
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50. - Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Jane.
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51. I am truly jealous you got to suck
on those tits when you were a baby.
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52. Yeah, well, at least you got to
suck on your dad's dick.
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53. Hey, Seth,
you can't park in the faculty lot.
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54. Don't be such a vagine, man.
I gotta get a Red Bull before class.
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55. You're being an idiot.
You shouldn't have parked there.
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56. Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.
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57. They should be sucking
on my ball sac.
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58. It's the least they could do
for stealing three years of my life.
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59. - Oh, fuck me.
- Look at those nipples.
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60. They're like little baby toes.
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61. It's not fair
they get to flaunt that stuff...
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62. and I have to hide
every erection I get.
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63. You know what I do?
I flip my boner up into my waistband.
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64. It hides it and it feels awesome.
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65. I almost blew a load
into my bellybutton.
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66. I mean, just imagine if girls weren't
weirded out by our boners...
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67. and just, like,
wanted to see them.
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68. I mean, that's the world
I one day wanna live in.
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69. It's been two years since I've seen
an actual human female nipple.
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70. Shauna?
Shauna was two years ago now?
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71. Yeah.
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72. Yeah, I guess so.
But she was insanely hot.
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73. Exactly. She was too hot, okay?
That's what sucks.
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74. How can that suck?
I'd be psyched if I got with her.
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75. You got, like, two dozen handjobs.
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76. Yes, and three-quarters of a blowjob,
but who's counting?
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77. Look, it was the peak
of my ass-getting career...
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78. and it happened way too early.
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79. - You're like Orson Welles.
- Exactly!
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80. If I'd paced myself,
I'd be having at least steady sex...
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81. With a decent-looking girl.
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82. I honestly see now why Orson Welles
ate his fat ass to death.
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83. You'll have sex in college,
everyone does.
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84. But the point is to be good at sex
by the time you get to college.
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85. You don't want girls thinking
you suck dick at fucking pussy.
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86. I still think you have
a chance with Jules.
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87. She got incredibly hot over
last summer...
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88. and she obviously
hasn't realized it yet...
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89. because she's still talking to you
and flirting with you.
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90. Are you out of your mind?
Look at Jules' dating record, okay?
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91. She dated Dan Remick, who's had
a six-pack since, like, kindergarten.
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92. Jason Stone, who looks like
fucking Zack Morris. And Matt Muir.
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93. Matt Muir.
He's the sweetest guy ever.
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94. Have you ever stared into his eyes?
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95. It was like the first time
I heard the Beatles.
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96. Why would she end
her high school career with me?
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97. Becca dated Eric Rosecrantz
for like two years.
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98. Yeah, but he's a fucking idiot.
You're a step up from that dick-load.
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99. That's why you need to stop-
Will you get this?
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100. That's why you need to stop
being a pussy and nail her.
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101. You could bang her
before you leave.
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102. And I'm not gonna dance around it,
she looks like a good fucker.
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103. I'm tired of you talking
about her like that, man.
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104. What, you can talk about her all day
and if I say one thing, it's blasphemy?
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105. Well, I don't constantly insult her.
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106. I'm not trying to insult her.
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107. I'm just saying that
she looks like a good fucker, okay?
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108. She looks like she can take a dick.
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109. Some women pride themselves
on their dick-taking abilities.
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110. Dick-taking abilities? You think
that's good to say about someone?
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111. The fucked-up thing is,
I actually do, okay?
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112. If a woman tried to compliment me on
my dick-giving abilities, I'd be psyched.
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113. Hey, yo, Seth.
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114. What?
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115. Did you hear I'm having
a big grad party next Saturday?
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116. - No.
- Yeah.
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117. - Oh, shit!
- You're not coming.
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118. Tell your fucking faggot friend
he can't come either.
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119. So Jesse wanted me to tell you...
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120. you're a fucking faggot
and can't come to his party.
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121. You really bitched out
back there, man.
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122. I bitched out?
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123. You bitched out, man,
you fucking Judas.
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124. You fucking left me hanging.
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125. Did you want me to dive
in front of his spit?
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126. Come on, guys, let's go!
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127. This is bullshit.
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128. Pussy.
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129. If I equals the square root
of negative one...
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130. then I squared equals
negative one. Okay?
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131. In other words,
if you consider I as a constant...
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132. you can then define the square roots
of all the negative numbers.
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133. So I is an imaginary number.
It doesn't really exist.
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134. If I equals the square root
of negative one...
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135. then I squared equals
negative one.
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136. Is this making s-? Okay.
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137. - Okay, bye.
- Evan!
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138. - Evan, hey.
- Hey, Becca.
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139. - Hey, thank you for your pen.
- Hey.
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140. No problem. No, no, don't worry.
No worries. You keep it.
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141. You won't have to borrow one again
because you'll have that one.
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142. - Thank you so much, that's...
- You're welcome. Don't worry about it.
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143. So I was gonna ask you...
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144. did you hear about
Jesse's grad party next weekend?
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145. - It should be fun.
- I heard. L- It's a maybe.
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146. - Really?
- For me at the moment.
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147. - My R.S.V.P.
- Just a maybe?
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148. So far.
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149. There's so much other fun shit
that's gonna be happening...
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150. that I can't really commit and,
you know, hurt someone's feelings.
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151. Fun shit? But I never see you
at parties or anything.
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152. That's because of
all the other fun shit I'm off doing.
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153. I'd love to be at all of them, but...
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154. Why weren't you
at Dimitri's on Saturday?
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155. There was so many things
going on.
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156. I couldn't find a minute
to make an appearance.
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157. - What did you do?
- Saturday was a crazy night for me.
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158. I had some friends over,
we had a few drinks.
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159. That's Vag-tastic!
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160. I hung out in my basement,
the chill zone, where we chill-lax.
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161. Like "relax" and "chill"
all at once.
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162. Seth's parents
Were throwing a party.
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163. We got to hang around adults,
which was a nice change of pace.
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164. You converse, you talk to people
and they have interesting stories.
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165. I talked to a man who claimed he had
climbed five mountains in his life.
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166. Then we went to a nightclub, which
was incredible. This big, fancy one.
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167. - Gonna look at tits right now!
- I'm feeling crazy. I said that.
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168. - You got in?
- We got right in.
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169. - Wanna do this, 'roid monkey?
- Fuck you!
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170. Then we called it a night.
We were all just really exhausted.
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171. What the fuck?
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172. You would've loved it. It was
an incredible, unbelievable night.
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173. That sounds like a lot of fun.
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174. You know, I'd love to go
do something like that sometime.
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175. Who wouldn't? I mean, it was like...
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176. me and Seth are
always kind of cooking up these...
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177. fun, sort of,
little, you know, events.
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178. I guess you guys are really
gonna go crazy next year together.
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179. We were going to,
but we got into different schools.
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180. Really? That sucks.
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181. Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad.
I mean, it should be okay.
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182. Not too worried about it, really.
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183. Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried at all.
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184. - All right, well, thank you for the pen.
- Yeah. No problem.
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185. - Bye.
- Bye.
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186. Bye, Evan.
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187. Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this class
because I'd be cooking with a partner.
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188. But she's never here, and I don't get
twice the grades for doing all the work.
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189. I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
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190. I know, but look at Evan, okay?
Just look at him.
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191. Don't keep me waiting much longer.
I'm getting impatient up here.
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192. You know what I'm talking about.
Miroki, you're embarrassing me.
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193. I'm here in my unit, isolated and alone,
eating my terrible-tasting food...
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194. and I gotta look over at that.
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195. Looks like the most fun
I've ever seen in my life.
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196. And it's B.S. Excuse my language.
I'm just saying that I wash and dry.
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197. I'm like a single mother.
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198. We all know Home Ec is a joke,
no offense.
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199. Everyone takes this class to get an A.
It's bullshit, and I'm sorry.
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200. I'm not putting down your profession,
but it's just the way I feel.
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201. I don't wanna sit here alone
cooking this shitty food.
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202. No offense. And I just think
that I don't ever need to cook tiramisu.
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203. When am I gonna need
to cook tiramisu?
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204. Am I gonna be a chef? No.
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205. There's three weeks left in school.
Give me a fucking break.
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206. I'm sorry for cursing.
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207. All right, Jules' partner isn't here
today either.
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208. Pair up with her. Station four.
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209. Jules?
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210. All right. I'll give it another shot.
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211. I'll give Home Ec another shot.
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212. Hey, Jules.
Your partner didn't come today?
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213. - That's kind of a personal question.
- What?
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214. Nothing. It's my attempt at humor.
I was just-
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215. Oh, like coming.
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216. Like "coming" coming.
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217. Wow, that was a little too far
right there. The gesture.
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218. Yeah. It's pretty far.
Shit, I do that-
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219. No, don't worry.
I'm actually used to it.
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220. My older brother says, like,
the nastiest shit.
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221. Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.
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222. - That's sick. That's not even clever.
- I know.
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223. I know.
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224. I would've gone with something
at least mildly entertaining.
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225. You know, like- Like-
Like "family Jules. "
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226. Or like "nuts. " Yeah, that's funny.
That's a fucking funny joke.
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227. Fucking funny.
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228. - I can't believe that.
- So, all right. We gotta...
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229. mix it up.
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230. Yeah, Hayworth will notice this,
if we cover it with chocolate.
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231. - The whole thing?
- Just dump it on. I'm serious.
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232. Okay.
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233. - And now it looks professional.
- That's really impressive.
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234. - It's beautifully done.
- I think we're gonna get an A.
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235. So, what are you doing tonight?
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236. - Probably nothing. Why?
- I don't know.
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237. My parents are gone
so I'm having a party.
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238. I don't really know how many people
are gonna be there...
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239. but you could stop by
if you wanted to.
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240. Yeah, I love parties.
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241. Really?
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242. I just don't really ever
see you at them.
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243. You know, it's a love-hate thing.
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244. So, like, you know, right now,
I really love them, though.
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245. - Yeah.
- Good shit, right, Miroki?
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246. Yeah.
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247. Hey, Miroki, could we have
a minute alone? Just- Thanks.
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248. Dude, Jules is having
a fucking party.
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249. Hey!
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250. - Don't tell Fogell about the party.
- Gangsters. What's up, guys?
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251. I was just walking down the hall
and Nicola was right in front of me.
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252. She's wearing these tight white pants
with this black G-string...
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253. and you could see right
through the pants. It was so sweet.
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254. It's 10:33.
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255. What?
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256. I told her what time it was.
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257. That's the coolest fucking story
I've ever heard in my entire life.
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258. - Can I hear it again? You have time?
- Yeah, yeah, Seth.
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259. I'll miss your knee-slappers
when me and Evan are at Dartmouth.
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260. While you guys are at Dartmouth,
I'll be at State...
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261. Where the girls are half as smart
and twice as likely to fellash me.
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262. What are you guys doing tonight?
Asshole.
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263. We got nothing.
Nothing tonight, Fogell.
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264. No? Well, if nothing comes up,
We can get shitfaced again, yeah?
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265. You're always calling me a pussy,
but today you're wrong.
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266. At lunch, I'm going to the same place
Mike Snider went...
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267. to pick up my brand-new fake ID.
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268. Yeah. Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.
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269. That's insane. Evan was like,
"I heard about this party.
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270. We shouldn't tell Fogell. "
I was like, "No, we should tell Fogell. "
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271. You could buy us booze now.
It's awesome.
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272. Yeah, I'll- Sure, I'll buy the booze.
Yeah, we're gonna get our drinks on.
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273. We're gonna party
and get crunk and rock out, dude.
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274. If you're not in this class,
leave this class.
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275. Fogell! Hi.
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276. Okay. Gotta go.
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277. Well done. Seriously.
See you after class.
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278. You tell that idiot
you're not rooming with him?
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279. Not yet. No.
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280. All right, well, you better.
That guy's the fucking anti-poon.
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281. Seth, it's dishes time.
What's the holdup?
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282. We're getting a fake ID, so...
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283. - It's not like a big deal.
- Wow, that's cool.
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284. But you guys have, like,
four more years to go...
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285. so do you wanna get to work?
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286. Well, we got into
different schools, so...
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287. So you're cutting the cord?
What's gonna happen?
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288. Nothing. Jeez, what does
everybody think is gonna happen?
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289. The world's gonna explode if we
don't spend every second together?
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290. I mean, we're not dependent
on each other, you know.
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291. We met when we were 8.
We were fine before then.
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292. I was. I mean, it's like,
We don't do everything together.
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293. No. All right, I gotta take a piss.
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294. My dick's not gonna shake itself.
Come on, babe.
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295. - He's a crack-up.
- I'm just gonna go.
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296. Well, at least
We're getting a graduation party.
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297. Thank God, man.
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298. I'm excited.
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299. I would do terrible, disgusting things
to hook up with Jules.
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300. - Unforgivable things.
- I hear you, man.
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301. I'd give my middle nut
to start dating Becca.
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302. Becca's a bitch.
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303. You know what? I'm seriously
getting fucking sick of you...
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304. talking about her like that,
if we can be honest.
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305. - Me too.
- Why do you hate her so much?
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306. You've never given me a reason.
I think you like her.
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307. - Fuck no, man! I hate Becca.
- Why, man?
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308. Fine, Evan. Here it comes.
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309. When I was a little kid,
I kind of had this problem.
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310. And it's not even that big of a deal.
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311. Something like 8 percent of kids
do it, but whatever. It's...
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312. For some reason, I don't know why,
I would just kind of sit around all day...
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313. and draw pictures of dicks.
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314. What?
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315. Draw pictures of dicks.
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316. Dicks?
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317. Like a man dick?
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318. Yeah. Like a man dick.
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319. I'd sit there for hours, drawing dicks.
I don't know what it was.
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320. I couldn't touch the pen to paper
without drawing the shape of a penis.
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321. - That's fucked.
- No shit, it's really fucked up.
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322. Here I am, this little kid...
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323. and I can't stop drawing dicks
to save my own life.
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324. All right. I mean, I don't see
What this has to do with Becca.
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325. Just listen. Okay?
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326. Your precious little Becca
sat next to me for all of fourth grade.
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327. And in the classroom is where
I did the majority of my illustrations.
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328. I was very secretive about this
whole dick operation I had going on.
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329. Even I thought I was fucking crazy.
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330. Imagine what everyone else
would think.
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331. So I would stash
all of my dick drawings...
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332. in this Ghostbusters lunchbox
that I had.
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333. So one day I'm finishing up this
real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.
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334. All of a sudden...
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335. Pussy!
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336. You hit Becca's foot with your dick?
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337. Yeah. I know.
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338. Oh, my God!
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339. She starts crying. She flips out.
And she rats me out to the principal.
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340. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox
dick treasure chest...
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341. and he fucking flips out.
Copy !req
342. He calls in my parents. Turns out this
principal is some religious fanatic...
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343. and he thinks I'm possessed
by some dick devil.
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344. My parents make me see a therapist,
and he's asking me dick questions.
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345. They made me stop eating foods
shaped like dicks.
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346. No hot dogs, no Popsicles.
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347. You know how many foods are
shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
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348. Yeah.
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349. Well, I don't-
That's really messed up.
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350. - Super gay.
- All right, let's stop this madness.
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351. - Let's just go get some dessert.
- I can't, I gotta go meet my counselor.
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352. I'm picking out my classes
for next year.
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353. So I gotta sit and eat dessert alone,
like I'm fucking Steven Glanzberg?
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354. I gue- Yeah, I mean,
What do you want me to do?
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355. I don't know. Nothing. It's fine.
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356. - Just relax, man. I'll see you later.
- That's fine. I'll be fine.
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357. Hey, pussy.
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358. Fuck off.
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359. Just the one. Just the one. Not both.
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360. - So I'll call Andy and Greg.
- Okay.
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361. And I'll bring the '80s dance music.
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362. - Yeah, yeah.
- Right on.
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363. Seth! Hi. There you are.
We were just talking about you.
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364. - Here I am.
- That's weird.
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365. So you're coming to my party tonight?
Because it's fully on.
Copy !req
366. Yeah, why? Should I not come?
Because I could think of other shit...
Copy !req
367. Oh, no. No.
I want you to come, I just-
Copy !req
368. You said something earlier about,
like, a fake ID or something, right?
Copy !req
369. Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
For sure, for sure.
Copy !req
370. I'm getting that for sure.
Copy !req
371. Can you get us booze?
Copy !req
372. Yeah. I can.
I can get you guys alcohol.
Copy !req
373. - Really? Seriously?
- Yes, for sure.
Copy !req
374. That would be awesome.
Thank you.
Copy !req
375. Because we were worried about that.
That would be great.
Copy !req
376. Plus, you know, you scratch
our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Copy !req
377. Well, Jules, the funny thing
about my back...
Copy !req
378. is that it's located on my cock.
Copy !req
379. So you do want alcohol?
You want some or no?
Copy !req
380. You do or you don't?
You do want alcohol.
Copy !req
381. - Yeah.
- Either way.
Copy !req
382. - Well-
- Either way. Either way's fine.
Copy !req
383. This is actually kind of a big favor.
Copy !req
384. Because my parents left me like
100 bucks to feed myself for the week.
Copy !req
385. But the house is full of food,
so I just thought I'd spend it all...
Copy !req
386. on, you know,
extra drinks for the party, so...
Copy !req
387. That's really nice. I don't think
I've ever done anything that nice.
Copy !req
388. - It's cool?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
389. - Okay. Thank you.
- Awesome.
Copy !req
390. I mean, seriously, that's really-
That's nice of you. Thank you.
Copy !req
391. So should I just get a shitload
of different shit?
Copy !req
392. Well, you gotta get me
some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
Copy !req
393. Kyle's Killer Lemonade. That's kind of
gay, but I can get it for you.
Copy !req
394. So- Okay, so then
We will see you tonight.
Copy !req
395. Go to the ball, guys.
Copy !req
396. Evan. Get into the game.
Copy !req
397. Kick it over to me.
Copy !req
398. Seth! Get off the field!
Copy !req
399. Get out of here.
They're gonna make me run laps.
Copy !req
400. Just fucking listen, okay?
Copy !req
401. Jules and her stupid fucking friend
asked me to buy her alcohol.
Copy !req
402. But not just her, for her whole party.
You know what that means?
Copy !req
403. By some miracle, we were paired up
and she actually thought of me.
Copy !req
404. Thought of me enough to decide
I was the guy she would trust...
Copy !req
405. with the whole fun-ness of her party.
She wants to fuck me.
Copy !req
406. She wants my dick
in or around her mouth.
Copy !req
407. Did you think that maybe
she's using you to get her alcohol?
Copy !req
408. - She doesn't want your dick.
- Of course I thought of that.
Copy !req
409. The first thing that came
to my mind. Listen.
Copy !req
410. My older brother always says
the nastiest shit.
Copy !req
411. Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.
Copy !req
412. Seth, I wanna blow you.
Copy !req
413. She didn't say that. Come on.
Copy !req
414. She didn't say the second part,
the first-
Copy !req
415. She's got an older brother.
She could have asked him.
Copy !req
416. She looked me in the eyes and said:
Copy !req
417. "Seth, Mom is making a pubie salad.
I need some Seth's Own dressing. "
Copy !req
418. She's D.T.F.
She's down to fuck, man.
Copy !req
419. P in vagi.
She wants to fuck, man.
Copy !req
420. Tonight is the night
that fucking is an actual possibility.
Copy !req
421. You sound like an idiot.
You're not gonna sleep with her.
Copy !req
422. No. Dude, I know
I talk a lot of shit, okay?
Copy !req
423. But she's gonna be at the party
and she's gonna be drunk.
Copy !req
424. She likes me at least a little.
At the very least, I'll make out with her.
Copy !req
425. Two weeks, handjob.
Month, blowjob. Whatever.
Copy !req
426. And then I make her my girlfriend.
Copy !req
427. And I've got, like,
two solid months of sex.
Copy !req
428. By the time college rolls around...
Copy !req
429. I'll be like the Iron Chef
of pounding vag.
Copy !req
430. Can we talk about this later?
Copy !req
431. What the fuck, Evan?
We're down two points.
Copy !req
432. Fucking calm down, Greg.
It's soccer.
Copy !req
433. - It's soccer.
- Fuck you, man.
Copy !req
434. Hey, Greg, why don't you go
piss your pants again?
Copy !req
435. - That was eight years ago, asshole.
- People don't forget.
Copy !req
436. Do you wanna hear the best part?
Becca.
Copy !req
437. You do the same thing with her.
Copy !req
438. When you guys are shitfaced,
you get with her.
Copy !req
439. This is our last party
as high school people.
Copy !req
440. I've ignored my hatred for Becca
in coming up with this plan.
Copy !req
441. I'm flexing nuts. Just fucking
come with me on this voyage...
Copy !req
442. and stop being a pussy
for once...
Copy !req
443. and we can fucking
fuck some girls already.
Copy !req
444. - I should buy Becca alcohol?
- Yeah, it'll be pimp.
Copy !req
445. That way you know she'll be drunk.
You know when girls say:
Copy !req
446. "I was so shitfaced last night.
I shouldn't have fucked that guy. "
Copy !req
447. We could be that mistake!
Copy !req
448. Have you talked to Fogell?
Copy !req
449. All right, you talk to Becca.
I'll talk to that retard, Fogell.
Copy !req
450. Don't worry.
Copy !req
451. - Seth, get off the field!
- Goal.
Copy !req
452. - You're getting that!
- No, I'm not!
Copy !req
453. Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.
Copy !req
454. - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
455. Hi. Did you hear
about the party tonight?
Copy !req
456. Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
It sounds awesome.
Copy !req
457. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.
Copy !req
458. - Really?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Copy !req
459. That's why I came looking for you.
Copy !req
460. Me and the guys are gonna
go to a liquor store.
Copy !req
461. And I just thought, you know...
Copy !req
462. if you needed someone
to get you yours, I could do that.
Copy !req
463. I could be that person.
Copy !req
464. Yeah.
Copy !req
465. Yeah, no, that would be great.
Copy !req
466. That would save me such a hassle,
because I was gonna beg my sister.
Copy !req
467. Could you get me, like,
a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?
Copy !req
468. Yeah. That's the one
With the little golden flakes in it?
Copy !req
469. - Yeah. The girly one.
- That's classy.
Copy !req
470. Well, I'll pay you back at the party.
Copy !req
471. No, you won't.
No, it's my treat, miss.
Copy !req
472. - Really?
- Yep. That's that.
Copy !req
473. It's the first of many too,
so get used to it, sister.
Copy !req
474. Well, thank you.
Copy !req
475. Yeah, no problem.
Copy !req
476. - I'm sorry. It was an accident.
- It's okay.
Copy !req
477. I was gonna give you a nudge-
A punch, the friend thing.
Copy !req
478. I didn't mean-
Copy !req
479. - Hey, Becca.
- Hey.
Copy !req
480. - Hey.
- Gaby.
Copy !req
481. - What's up, Evan?
- Hey, Gaby.
Copy !req
482. - We should get to class.
- We're gonna go.
Copy !req
483. - So I will see you tonight.
- Okay.
Copy !req
484. - Really, don't worry.
- Okay. Sorry.
Copy !req
485. - Bye.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
486. Bye.
Copy !req
487. Sorry.
Copy !req
488. Where's that sack of shit, Fogell?
He said he'd be here.
Copy !req
489. I'm here with my thumb up my ass.
Copy !req
490. I did it, dude.
I even offered to pay for it.
Copy !req
491. It was pimp.
I feel like a pimp right now.
Copy !req
492. - Like one of those pimps.
- That is fucking pimp.
Copy !req
493. - That's what I was afraid of.
- Why didn't I think of that? Shit.
Copy !req
494. Sh- we're screwed.
Copy !req
495. - Okay? We're screwed.
- Okay.
Copy !req
496. This is what we get
for trusting Fogell, okay?
Copy !req
497. He pussied out.
I know he pussied out.
Copy !req
498. What are you making?
Copy !req
499. I'm just drilling holes.
The last two weeks. Fuck it.
Copy !req
500. What do we tell the girls,
We couldn't do the one thing...
Copy !req
501. we promised because
we're dickless incompetents?
Copy !req
502. Now we're never gonna bone
because of that used tampon, Fogell.
Copy !req
503. How'd he get into Dartmouth?
I don't get it. He's got shit for brains.
Copy !req
504. All right,
how else can we get alcohol?
Copy !req
505. - Yo, guys! What's up?
- Fogell, where have you been, man?
Copy !req
506. You almost gave me
a goddamn heart attack.
Copy !req
507. - Let me see it. Did you pussy out?
- No, no, man. I got it.
Copy !req
508. It's flawless. Check it.
Copy !req
509. Hawaii?
Copy !req
510. All right, that's good.
It's hard to trace, I guess.
Copy !req
511. Wait, you changed your name
to McLovin?
Copy !req
512. - Yeah.
- McLovin?
Copy !req
513. What kind of a stupid name is that?
Are you an Irish R & B singer?
Copy !req
514. They let you pick any name you want
when you're there.
Copy !req
515. And you landed on McLovin?
Copy !req
516. Yeah, it was between that
or Mohammad.
Copy !req
517. Why the fuck would it be
between that or Mohammad?
Copy !req
518. Why not just pick
a common name?
Copy !req
519. Mohammad is the most common name
on earth. Read a fucking book.
Copy !req
520. Have you ever met anyone
named Mohammad?
Copy !req
521. Have you ever met anyone
named McLovin?
Copy !req
522. No, that's why you picked
a dumb fucking name.
Copy !req
523. - Fuck you.
- Give me that.
Copy !req
524. All right. You look like a future
pedophile in this picture, number one.
Copy !req
525. Number two, it doesn't even have
a first name. It just says McLovin!
Copy !req
526. What? One name?
Copy !req
527. One name? Who are you, Seal?
Copy !req
528. Fogell, this ID says
you're 25 years old.
Copy !req
529. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Copy !req
530. Seth, Seth, Seth.
Listen up, ass-face.
Copy !req
531. Every day, hundreds of kids go into
the liquor store with their fake IDs...
Copy !req
532. and every single one
says they're 21.
Copy !req
533. How many 21-year-olds
are in this town?
Copy !req
534. It's called fucking strategy.
Copy !req
535. Let's stay calm, okay?
Let's not lose our heads.
Copy !req
536. It's a fine ID. It'll- It's gonna work.
It's passable, okay?
Copy !req
537. This isn't terrible.
I mean, it's up to you, Fogell.
Copy !req
538. This guy's gonna think,
"Here's a kid with a fake ID"...
Copy !req
539. or "Here's McLovin, the 25-year-old
Hawaiian organ donor. "
Copy !req
540. Okay? So, what's it gonna be?
Copy !req
541. I am McLovin.
Copy !req
542. No, you're not. No one's McLovin.
McLovin's never existed...
Copy !req
543. because that's a made-up, dumb,
fucking fairy-tale name, you fuck!
Copy !req
544. Jeez, man. It'll work.
Give it a chance.
Copy !req
545. Did you move my-?
Copy !req
546. Where is my car?
Copy !req
547. Oh, my God, man.
Copy !req
548. What did I say to you?
I told you not to park here.
Copy !req
549. Why would you park
in the staff parking lot?
Copy !req
550. Shut the fuck up, Fogell.
Copy !req
551. I mean, because you're not staff.
Copy !req
552. I know that, Fagell! I know that!
Copy !req
553. Evan, let's go to your house.
Copy !req
554. Wait, are you guys
still picking me up from work?
Copy !req
555. Can you answer me?
Copy !req
556. Man, don't you have
any non-infant clothes?
Copy !req
557. - It'll be fine.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
558. Why don't you just wear
what you wore to school?
Copy !req
559. I can't do that. I can't let Jules
see me in what I wore to school.
Copy !req
560. It's completely unbecoming.
Copy !req
561. No one's gotten a handjob
in cargo shorts since Nam.
Copy !req
562. I have to kill these guys.
You don't negotiate with terrorists.
Copy !req
563. Really? Yeah, that's what
we should be talking about right now.
Copy !req
564. Then why don't you go
and get some of your own clothes?
Copy !req
565. That's the dumbest thing ever.
Copy !req
566. My parents will see that my car's
been towed and I'll be grounded.
Copy !req
567. These fucking terrorists
multiply like bunnies.
Copy !req
568. Where did I leave the M16?
Copy !req
569. Do you have any bigger clothes
or do you only shop at babyGap?
Copy !req
570. Fuck me. I can't-
Copy !req
571. That's fun.
Why do they make that?
Copy !req
572. If you can't even win,
then why am I fucking playing?
Copy !req
573. Do you wanna go see
what my dad has?
Copy !req
574. What the fuck?
Copy !req
575. What the hell is that?
Copy !req
576. It's a fucking vest, dumb-ass.
Copy !req
577. - I'm trying to look older.
- You look like Pinocchio.
Copy !req
578. - It's just a vest.
- They got a lot of booze in there.
Copy !req
579. If we get it now, we can get
to the party faster with Jules' shit.
Copy !req
580. No way, man. I work there.
They know I'm not 25.
Copy !req
581. Nobody said anything about you,
dick-mouth.
Copy !req
582. You really fucked me on this one.
Copy !req
583. So now I'm gonna steal the booze.
Copy !req
584. Don't do this.
I promise you I'll get the liquor later.
Copy !req
585. Mike Snider's ID always works.
So will mine, man.
Copy !req
586. Mike Snider's ID doesn't have
one fucking name on it! Okay?
Copy !req
587. I thought you Dartmouth guys would
be smart enough to understand that.
Copy !req
588. Now Seth's gotta
pick up all the pieces.
Copy !req
589. He won't do it. Don't worry.
Copy !req
590. I forgot to tell you, my mom said we
can have the TV from the basement-
Copy !req
591. Shut the fuck up,
he's gonna hear you.
Copy !req
592. Just be quiet.
Wait until he goes away.
Copy !req
593. You still haven't told him
that we're rooming together?
Copy !req
594. Fogell, shut the fuck up.
Copy !req
595. And take off your vest.
You look like Aladdin.
Copy !req
596. Okay. You got it.
Copy !req
597. Hope piggy can run.
Copy !req
598. How old are you?
Copy !req
599. Twenty-two.
Copy !req
600. You certainly are.
That'll be 80 dollars.
Copy !req
601. Okay.
Copy !req
602. Thank you kindly. Will that do?
Copy !req
603. Certainly will. Thank you, Seth.
Copy !req
604. Hey, thank you.
Copy !req
605. You dropped your purse, ma'am.
Copy !req
606. Would you like some help?
Copy !req
607. Well, that would be lovely,
young man.
Copy !req
608. Would you like me
to buy you alcohol?
Copy !req
609. That would be lovely.
Copy !req
610. - Enjoy your remaining years.
- I will.
Copy !req
611. - Enjoy fucking Jules.
- I will.
Copy !req
612. Don't do it, kid.
Copy !req
613. I never had a choice.
Copy !req
614. You fucking killed her!
Copy !req
615. No!
Copy !req
616. Where's all the stolen liquor?
Did you hide it up your butt?
Copy !req
617. Piss off! I was gonna do it,
but there was a security breach.
Copy !req
618. You never would've done it.
Copy !req
619. Let's go to a liquor store
and watch your stupid ID get rejected.
Copy !req
620. Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest
back in my locker.
Copy !req
621. All right. Here we are. This is it.
Copy !req
622. - You ready? Yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
623. - Here's the money and the list.
- Change is yours. Keep the change.
Copy !req
624. - Thank you. What's the list for?
- The alcohol.
Copy !req
625. We're gonna get alcohol
for the whole party, okay?
Copy !req
626. We put a lot of time into this list,
so don't fuck it up.
Copy !req
627. It's perfect.
Copy !req
628. Ouzo, bourbon,
spiced rum, Goldslick...
Copy !req
629. Goldslick Vodka. That's for Becca.
Don't forget that.
Copy !req
630. Raspberry vodka, Scotch...
Copy !req
631. And Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
A six-pack.
Copy !req
632. This is a lot. I don't know
if I can get away with all this.
Copy !req
633. What difference does it make?
Copy !req
634. I don't know, man.
I'm, like, really nervous.
Copy !req
635. - Are you okay?
- No, man. I should have wore the vest.
Copy !req
636. - Calm down.
- What the fuck are you doing?
Copy !req
637. What if I go in
and they turn me down, man?
Copy !req
638. Then we're in the same place
we're in now.
Copy !req
639. - Who cares?
- It's fucking humiliating!
Copy !req
640. Everybody sees them
kicking me out.
Copy !req
641. What if they make me
put the liquor back? I can't do that.
Copy !req
642. This whole thing
is bigger than you, Fogell!
Copy !req
643. So grow a pair of nuts and fucking
walk in there and buy the alcohol!
Copy !req
644. What if I don't feel like it
anymore, Seth? What?
Copy !req
645. Then I'll fucking kill you, okay?
Copy !req
646. I'll stab you
through your fucking heart.
Copy !req
647. No, you can do this, man.
Come on.
Copy !req
648. Killing me won't get you alcohol.
I'm the one with the fake ID.
Copy !req
649. Then I'll cut
your dumb fucking face off...
Copy !req
650. throw it over mine and get your ID
and buy it my fucking self!
Copy !req
651. Oh, really? You don't have
the technology or the steady hands...
Copy !req
652. to pull off a procedure like that,
so ha!
Copy !req
653. Peace.
Copy !req
654. Fogell, just be cool, man.
Get in and get out.
Copy !req
655. You're the hero.
Copy !req
656. Sorry.
Copy !req
657. Is there a problem here, sir?
Copy !req
658. No. No problem whatsoever.
Copy !req
659. Sir, did you do this? On the floor?
Copy !req
660. No.
Copy !req
661. And you should really clean this up.
Copy !req
662. Someone could really
hurt themselves.
Copy !req
663. Fuck my life.
Copy !req
664. We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.
Copy !req
665. This plan's been fucked
since Jump Street.
Copy !req
666. Okay, just calm down.
Just calm down, all right?
Copy !req
667. Hey, so did you bring a condom
for tonight?
Copy !req
668. You brought a condom with you?
Copy !req
669. Yeah. I figured
I might as well, you know?
Copy !req
670. I brought a little bottle
of spermicidal lube too.
Copy !req
671. You laughed in my face
When I said I'd be having sex tonight.
Copy !req
672. That doesn't mean
you shouldn't always be prepared.
Copy !req
673. - You didn't even bring a condom?
- No.
Copy !req
674. No, Evan,
that wasn't part of the plan.
Copy !req
675. You did this
without consulting with me.
Copy !req
676. We've never discussed, like, any plan,
but you keep saying we have a plan.
Copy !req
677. I had, like, a general outline.
You know?
Copy !req
678. I was gonna go down on her
for, like, several hours, okay?
Copy !req
679. She would love that. She'd be smitten.
She'd go out with that.
Copy !req
680. Or I dry hump the shit out of her leg.
Copy !req
681. Well, I just- I don't see the harm
in bringing one little condom.
Copy !req
682. And one little bottle
of spermicidal lube?
Copy !req
683. Yeah, one little bottle
of spermicidal lube.
Copy !req
684. - Evan, that's psycho shit, man.
- No, it's not.
Copy !req
685. That's, like, Charles Manson shit.
Copy !req
686. What, do you think Becca's gonna be
psyched that you brought lube?
Copy !req
687. "Oh, Evan. Thank you for bringing
that lube for my pussy.
Copy !req
688. I never would've been able to handle
your fucking 4-inch dick...
Copy !req
689. inside my pussy
without that gigantic bottle of lube. "
Copy !req
690. - Okay, that's- That's enough.
- Fuck.
Copy !req
691. These girls are 18,
they're not dried-up old ladies.
Copy !req
692. - They're good to go.
- Then I won't bring the lube.
Copy !req
693. Don't make me feel like that.
I thought it was cool.
Copy !req
694. - This is a nice kind.
- Let me see that for a second.
Copy !req
695. - An impressive kind.
- It is kind of cool.
Copy !req
696. - That's cool.
- Fucking dumb-ass. Lube?
Copy !req
697. - That's funny.
- You brought lube?
Copy !req
698. You owe me 6 bucks because I'm not
walking over to get it and it exploded.
Copy !req
699. Hello, Mindy.
Copy !req
700. I love that stuff.
Been drinking it for years.
Copy !req
701. You know, I heard they recently
decided to add more hops to it.
Copy !req
702. Okay.
Copy !req
703. I'm gonna need to see
some identification.
Copy !req
704. Really?
Copy !req
705. Makes me feel young again.
There you go.
Copy !req
706. Oh, shit, it's Cary Hutchins.
Copy !req
707. She had the biggest tits
I've ever seen.
Copy !req
708. I heard she got
breast-reduction surgery.
Copy !req
709. What? Making your tits smaller?
Copy !req
710. That's like slapping God
for giving you a gorgeous gift.
Copy !req
711. She had back problems, man.
Copy !req
712. And it's not just making them smaller.
They completely reshape them.
Copy !req
713. They make them
more supple and symmetrical.
Copy !req
714. I gotta catch a glimpse
of these warlocks.
Copy !req
715. Let's make a move.
Copy !req
716. - She's going around the corner.
- Come on!
Copy !req
717. Okay. Your total is 96.59.
Copy !req
718. I don't believe it!
Copy !req
719. Are you okay, mister?
Copy !req
720. What the shit was that?
Copy !req
721. I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Copy !req
722. I don't believe it.
Copy !req
723. I don't know, man.
I think she looked better before.
Copy !req
724. But now that she can jog comfortably,
she's in the best shape she's ever-
Copy !req
725. What is this? What's that?
Copy !req
726. Oh, man.
Copy !req
727. Holy shit, they busted Fogell.
Copy !req
728. How did this happen, Evan?
Fuck, man!
Copy !req
729. His dad's gonna fucking kill him.
Copy !req
730. Look, okay?
Copy !req
731. He assaulted the customer,
grabbed the cash and ran out.
Copy !req
732. So...
Copy !req
733. - How-?
- How-? How-? How-?
Copy !req
734. - Say when, height-wise.
- I'm gonna start up here, tell me when.
Copy !req
735. - I'll start on the bottom and-
- When.
Copy !req
736. Whatever 5'10" is,
he was 5'10".
Copy !req
737. Ethnically, I mean, did- what-?
Copy !req
738. I mean, was he-?
Was he like us, or-?
Copy !req
739. A woman?
Copy !req
740. - Female?
- No.
Copy !req
741. - Is that what you're asking?
- No, no. Was he-?
Copy !req
742. - Like...
- What? What?
Copy !req
743. - African?
- Af- Af-
Copy !req
744. - Was he African?
- African.
Copy !req
745. No. He was American,
and he was like you.
Copy !req
746. - He looked just like you.
- He was Jewish. Okay, Jew.
Copy !req
747. - It's an odd crime for a Jew.
- They're pretty docile.
Copy !req
748. Okay, so we have an African Jew
wearing a hoodie.
Copy !req
749. No, you don't. No. That's not what
I said. Is that what you heard me say?
Copy !req
750. I said he looked like you.
Do you look like an African Jew?
Copy !req
751. - No, I look like a cop.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
752. He was Caucasian.
Copy !req
753. - Caucasian.
- All right.
Copy !req
754. - Okay.
- Well, touché.
Copy !req
755. Kind of looked like Eminem.
Does that help you?
Copy !req
756. - An M&M.
- An M&M.
Copy !req
757. - So he was circular-?
- Marshall Mathers. Eminem?
Copy !req
758. - The rapper, Eminem.
- Did he look like this?
Copy !req
759. - I'm an amateur. I kind of-
- That looks like an M&M.
Copy !req
760. Longer face? Bigger nose?
Would you say his mouth was wider?
Copy !req
761. Open? A gap?
Copy !req
762. Is there another squad car in the area
that could be of further assistance?
Copy !req
763. I don't seem to be getting any.
Copy !req
764. Okay, so just walk me through again
what this guy did.
Copy !req
765. He- He- He came in, he's wielding-
Copy !req
766. He's wielding something. He hits
this small gentleman in the slacks.
Copy !req
767. And then he jumps over you,
he feels you up, violates you.
Copy !req
768. - I did not say that.
- No, he doesn't.
Copy !req
769. Look, I can't do this. I told you already,
I have an exam tomorrow.
Copy !req
770. Can you understand that?
I have a goddamn veterinary exam!
Copy !req
771. Goddamn it. This is bullshit.
Copy !req
772. This is some bullshit.
I got an exam tomorrow. Forget this.
Copy !req
773. Well, apparently someone
has an exam.
Copy !req
774. How'd you know?
Copy !req
775. You. You're the one
that got punched?
Copy !req
776. - Yeah.
- Okay.
Copy !req
777. First things first.
What is your name?
Copy !req
778. My name?
Copy !req
779. It's M- McLov- McLovin.
Copy !req
780. McLovin?
Copy !req
781. Yeah.
Copy !req
782. Now, what's your first name?
Copy !req
783. What?
Copy !req
784. - Your first name?
- My first name?
Copy !req
785. Technically I don't have a first name,
so don't worry about my first name.
Copy !req
786. But we're the police.
Copy !req
787. We just wanna get
the story straight.
Copy !req
788. - Come on.
- Fuck, man.
Copy !req
789. - Come on!
- He must be so afraid.
Copy !req
790. I don't believe this bullshit.
I can't believe this is happening!
Copy !req
791. I didn't know you could get arrested
for this shit. We need that liquor.
Copy !req
792. - Are they gonna take him downtown?
- Fuck Fogell.
Copy !req
793. He got arrested, okay?
We're on our own.
Copy !req
794. We need a new way to get liq-
Copy !req
795. Fuck! The money, man! Fuck!
How much money can you get?
Copy !req
796. Why are you talking about money?
What about Fogell?
Copy !req
797. That doesn't matter anymore. I lost
a hundred dollars of Jules' money.
Copy !req
798. Are we gonna bust him out of jail?
Bake a cake with a fucking file in it?
Copy !req
799. Fuck Fogell. We need a new way to
get liquor, which is fucking impossible.
Copy !req
800. All right, you need to calm down.
We need to think for a second.
Copy !req
801. - We need to think this out.
- Fuck thinking, we need to act!
Copy !req
802. Seth!
Copy !req
803. - What the fuck happened?
- Just- Just get up. Slowly.
Copy !req
804. You all right? You okay?
Copy !req
805. I am so sorry, man. I am so sorry.
Copy !req
806. I didn't even effing see you at all, man.
Are you okay?
Copy !req
807. So it's just McLovin?
Copy !req
808. Yeah.
Copy !req
809. - That's badass.
- That is badass.
Copy !req
810. - Really cool.
- A badass name.
Copy !req
811. - Lot of people with weird names.
- Chingy. Shakira.
Copy !req
812. Rafe. Pax.
Copy !req
813. We arrested a man-lady
who was legally named "Fuck. "
Copy !req
814. Think he was Vietnamese,
it was with a P-H.
Copy !req
815. But it's still shocking
to see on a license.
Copy !req
816. - Okay, and how old are you, McLovin?
- Old enough.
Copy !req
817. Old enough for what?
Copy !req
818. To party.
Copy !req
819. Can I see your ID?
Copy !req
820. Yeah, I think I have it.
Copy !req
821. - You're an organ donor.
- What?
Copy !req
822. I didn't wanna, but my wife insisted.
Copy !req
823. I give him shit for it too. All the time.
Copy !req
824. I say, "It's just like a woman.
Even after you're dead...
Copy !req
825. they wanna tear your heart out. "
- They wanna tear your...
Copy !req
826. - I say it weekly and it's still funny.
- It still makes me laugh.
Copy !req
827. - Really funny.
- There you go.
Copy !req
828. I'm sorry, guys.
I don't really have any information.
Copy !req
829. He just hit me,
and I didn't see what he looked like.
Copy !req
830. - I don't know if I can help you.
- You in a hurry?
Copy !req
831. Yeah, kind of had to catch that bus.
Copy !req
832. - Where were you headed?
- Near 13th and Granville.
Copy !req
833. - We can take you there.
- Get your information on the way.
Copy !req
834. - Why waste 2 bucks?
- We'll take you. No problem.
Copy !req
835. Please don't report me, man.
We can figure this out, right?
Copy !req
836. Why the fuck wouldn't I report you?
You just hit me.
Copy !req
837. Because I'll do anything.
Copy !req
838. Please, okay? Anything.
Like, literally...
Copy !req
839. fucking anything.
Copy !req
840. Name anything. Name it. Name it.
Copy !req
841. All right, look. Hey, man. All right.
Copy !req
842. Listen, you can trust me, okay?
Copy !req
843. I'm gonna be totally honest with you.
Copy !req
844. I have a warrant out
for a totally nonviolent crime.
Copy !req
845. Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.
Copy !req
846. I'll be honest with you for a second.
Copy !req
847. You better get us a shitload of cash
or a shitload of alcohol...
Copy !req
848. or you're going to fucking prison.
Copy !req
849. What are you doing, man?
You don't need to-
Copy !req
850. No, let's not-
Let's hang on a second here.
Copy !req
851. - Cough it up.
- Fine.
Copy !req
852. Don't know if we should be
doing anything official.
Copy !req
853. We're working together. It's like
Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.
Copy !req
854. Seven bucks?
Copy !req
855. Are you fucking serious? This isn't
enough. What are you, a 6-year-old?
Copy !req
856. - It's all I have, man. It's all I have.
- You better think of something quickly.
Copy !req
857. - My back! My back. Cops, my back.
- No, no, no. Wait, don't do that.
Copy !req
858. All right, listen.
I can get you alcohol.
Copy !req
859. I'm going over to this party
right now, bro. Okay?
Copy !req
860. It's got booze, it's got girls.
Booze and girls equals...
Copy !req
861. I don't know. Do you?
I don't know. Do you?
Copy !req
862. - I think you do. Do you?
- Yes. That's a definite yes.
Copy !req
863. Definite yes, then.
Copy !req
864. - Give me one sec to talk to him.
- Stay right here.
Copy !req
865. Yeah, yeah. Do what you gotta do.
Mix it over. I'll be over by the car.
Copy !req
866. Just talk it out. Hey, I'm a nice guy.
Copy !req
867. - Come on, it's great.
- What are you thinking?
Copy !req
868. - What are you doing?
- What?
Copy !req
869. I lost Jules' money,
Fogell's dead to us now...
Copy !req
870. we don't have any choice.
Let's go.
Copy !req
871. I don't like this idea. This guy's
fucking creepy, man. Look at him.
Copy !req
872. What? He looks like a guy.
That's what guys look like.
Copy !req
873. - What is your problem?
- You guys know a guy named Jimmy?
Copy !req
874. You totally look like his brother.
Copy !req
875. You totally
look like his brother, man.
Copy !req
876. You do.
Copy !req
877. You promised Becca
you'd get her alcohol.
Copy !req
878. If you don't, she's gonna have
a shitty night.
Copy !req
879. That's all I'm saying. Come on.
Copy !req
880. We bingo, bango, ready to go, go?
Copy !req
881. - Good luck on your exam tomorrow.
- Good luck on your exam.
Copy !req
882. - You don't wanna ride the bus.
- Buses smell like piss, generally.
Copy !req
883. - You know why?
- Why?
Copy !req
884. People piss on them.
Copy !req
885. You know, one of you bros could've
come up and sat up with me.
Copy !req
886. - We're fine back here.
- Back's fine.
Copy !req
887. Safe in the back seat.
Copy !req
888. - Oh, my God.
- What's up?
Copy !req
889. - Hey, Jules.
- Who is it? Who's on the phone?
Copy !req
890. Seth. Hey, where are you?
Copy !req
891. I'm in a cab right now,
on the way to a liquor store.
Copy !req
892. Good. I can't wait
for you to get here.
Copy !req
893. Well, I hope your friends
are ready to get fucked up.
Copy !req
894. I'm sure they will be.
Copy !req
895. - Okay, I'll see you soon.
- Peace.
Copy !req
896. Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.
Copy !req
897. She called, she said,
"I can't wait for you to get there. "
Copy !req
898. That sounds like
she fully wants it, man! Oh, yeah!
Copy !req
899. Who's gonna give it to her, huh,
my man? You, that's who.
Copy !req
900. Man.
Copy !req
901. You guys on MySpace, or...?
Copy !req
902. Officers? I can answer those
questions now if you want me to.
Copy !req
903. We get the gist of it. You were
buying beer, some guys punched you.
Copy !req
904. Don't worry about it.
We're not gonna find them.
Copy !req
905. - Case closed.
- But it was only-
Copy !req
906. - But it was only one guy.
- Only one guy? Shit.
Copy !req
907. How am I supposed to
find one guy?
Copy !req
908. This job really isn't how, you know,
shows like CSI make it out to be.
Copy !req
909. When I first joined the force, I assumed
there was semen on everything...
Copy !req
910. and there was some, like,
huge semen database...
Copy !req
911. that had every bad guy's semen in it.
There isn't. That doesn't exist.
Copy !req
912. I often go to sleep and dream of
waking up in a world where...
Copy !req
913. - everything's covered in semen.
- I mean, who doesn't?
Copy !req
914. Lt'd be nice.
Like that crime scene today.
Copy !req
915. If the man had ejaculated
and then punched you...
Copy !req
916. we'd have a shot at catching him.
Copy !req
917. - No way.
- Just punched in the face, no semen.
Copy !req
918. - No semen.
- Story of my life.
Copy !req
919. Michaels here, he's six months in.
Copy !req
920. He's young,
but the Force is strong with this one.
Copy !req
921. Learning you are, young padawan.
Copy !req
922. Thank you very much.
Copy !req
923. - That's Yoda.
- Are you familiar with Yoda?
Copy !req
924. From Attack of the Clones?
Copy !req
925. We have a 245 at East 24 and
Montgomery, Bailey's Bar and Grill.
Copy !req
926. Car 98 on it.
Copy !req
927. See, Michaels, you always
take a call at a bar because...
Copy !req
928. better or worse,
you get a beer out of it.
Copy !req
929. Pretty sweet, huh?
Copy !req
930. - True that. Amazing thinking.
- Hey, McLovin.
Copy !req
931. We got a situation at Bailey's,
so we'll drop you off after, all right?
Copy !req
932. Actually, I kind of
have to be somewhere-
Copy !req
933. - Sweet. Sit tight.
- Set course for Bailey's, warp 10.
Copy !req
934. Engage.
Copy !req
935. Yeah.
Copy !req
936. Welcome to the Thunderdome.
Copy !req
937. Hey, man, are you sure it's cool
that we're here with you?
Copy !req
938. Oh, definitely, man.
Copy !req
939. I'm essentially
best friends with the guy...
Copy !req
940. so a bunch of my buds
are coming.
Copy !req
941. We're gonna rock out
with our cocks out. Just kidding.
Copy !req
942. - We are gonna rock out.
- Just go, just go.
Copy !req
943. What's up? What's up? What's up?
Copy !req
944. Hello, hello. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
945. This is something
a smart person wouldn't do.
Copy !req
946. Look, just act cool and act casual,
and try and look old.
Copy !req
947. We'll get the booze
and get the fuck out of here, okay?
Copy !req
948. Hey, where the party at? Right.
Copy !req
949. - You got those shots, bro?
- It's coming.
Copy !req
950. Come on, let's party.
Copy !req
951. Come on. Do it up.
Copy !req
952. We should grab one of these buckets
and get out.
Copy !req
953. You out of your mind? How are we
gonna get a fucking bucket out?
Copy !req
954. - Dude, what the fuck?
- Hey, man.
Copy !req
955. What the fuck do you think
you're doing?
Copy !req
956. - What are you-? What? Nothing.
- You using my phone?
Copy !req
957. - What do you think you're doing?
- Hang up. Nothing.
Copy !req
958. What- What-
What's wrong, Mark?
Copy !req
959. You weren't invited.
Get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
960. - Come on, Mark. It's cool, man.
- You using my fucking phone?
Copy !req
961. You calling your
fucking friends again?
Copy !req
962. You calling your friends,
your fantastic friends?
Copy !req
963. No. I mean, yes. But I mean I'll-
Copy !req
964. Come on, man, just relax.
Mark, please.
Copy !req
965. Get the fuck out of here.
The fuck out of my house.
Copy !req
966. Get the fuck out of my house.
Copy !req
967. - This is my house.
- Don't be such a dick, man!
Copy !req
968. What the fuck?
Copy !req
969. Mark! You really wanna do this, man?
Copy !req
970. Here we go.
We're really gonna do this?
Copy !req
971. That's right, motherfucker.
Copy !req
972. Come on, pussy. Get up, dude.
Copy !req
973. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro.
I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.
Copy !req
974. Tiger got out of the cage, man.
All right? I'm sorry. Come on, Mark.
Copy !req
975. Let's just chill.
Everyone just chill out.
Copy !req
976. Truce, man.
Copy !req
977. Right in the nads!
Copy !req
978. This is for your friends.
Here, have another one.
Copy !req
979. Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
Oh, my God. What do we do?
Copy !req
980. - Come on. Come on.
- Choose one.
Copy !req
981. - We can slip out the back, man.
- Come on. Let's hurry up and do this.
Copy !req
982. Are you crazy, man?
Wanna end up like that guy?
Copy !req
983. Not me. I need my nuts, man,
for a lot of things.
Copy !req
984. - We need liquor.
- You need it. I don't.
Copy !req
985. I'm gonna tell Becca how I feel.
Maybe she'll get with me.
Copy !req
986. I'm not gonna get her
drunk out of her mind.
Copy !req
987. Oh, really? Then how come
you never made a move, you pussy?
Copy !req
988. Because I respect her, Seth. I'm not
gonna put unfair pressure on her.
Copy !req
989. I don't see a problem.
Let's just do it.
Copy !req
990. We're leaving, okay?
You wanna get killed for liquor?
Copy !req
991. No, but I would get killed for pussy,
no questions asked.
Copy !req
992. - Fuck this, man.
- You're just gonna bail on me?
Copy !req
993. - I'm going.
- Fucking bitch.
Copy !req
994. Move, people.
Copy !req
995. - Thank you.
- Oh, I love this place.
Copy !req
996. What the hell is going on in there?
Copy !req
997. If the bullets start flying,
hit the deck.
Copy !req
998. You pissed everywhere,
you son of a bitch!
Copy !req
999. Everywhere? You didn't
see me pissing anywhere.
Copy !req
1000. I don't know
what you're talking about.
Copy !req
1001. Take your nuts out of your shells!
Copy !req
1002. Michaels, I got your back.
Copy !req
1003. Why don't you show this rummy
how we roll?
Copy !req
1004. 10-4.
Copy !req
1005. Excuse me, sir.
Stop what you are doing at once.
Copy !req
1006. - Blue guys!
- Resisting. Resisting!
Copy !req
1007. - Slater!
- Michaels!
Copy !req
1008. Everybody stay calm.
Copy !req
1009. - Everybody stay calm.
- Get the fuck out of my way!
Copy !req
1010. Stay calm! Fuck!
Copy !req
1011. - Should I shoot him?
- No, no, no!
Copy !req
1012. - No!
- Stop him, McLovin!
Copy !req
1013. McLovin, stop him!
Do it, do it, do it, do it!
Copy !req
1014. Please stop it, you fucking bum.
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1015. McLovin! Nice!
Copy !req
1016. He just came at me.
I took him down.
Copy !req
1017. - I'm buying you a beer, McLovin.
- I'm buying you one too.
Copy !req
1018. Take note. That's how
you take down a motherfucker.
Copy !req
1019. That's right.
Copy !req
1020. McLovin in the fucking house!
Copy !req
1021. Hey. You dance hot.
Copy !req
1022. Thank you.
Copy !req
1023. Okay, okay. Here we- Here we go.
Copy !req
1024. - Hello?
- Evan, it's Becca.
Copy !req
1025. Oh, Becca. Hi.
Copy !req
1026. Hey. Hello. Hey. Becca.
Copy !req
1027. - Becca-
- Evan, can you hear me?
Copy !req
1028. - Hello? What?
- Can you hear—? Piece of shit!
Copy !req
1029. Guy sells me
a piece of shit fucking phone.
Copy !req
1030. - Becca?
- It's Becca.
Copy !req
1031. I get one bar
everywhere I fucking go.
Copy !req
1032. - What is he saying?
- Fucking asshole.
Copy !req
1033. - I think-
- What happened?
Copy !req
1034. Son-of-a-fucking-bitch
phone company.
Copy !req
1035. - What? It's rude. Hello?
- Fuck. You suck.
Copy !req
1036. Bullshit phone. Piece of shit.
Copy !req
1037. I swear I'll bitchslap you
so fucking hard.
Copy !req
1038. - What?
- Bec-?
Copy !req
1039. Thanks.
Copy !req
1040. This is fucking crazy.
Copy !req
1041. Hey. Look what fell out of the truck!
Copy !req
1042. You're full of shit.
Copy !req
1043. Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
1044. Dude. Dude.
We're so gonna get fucked up.
Copy !req
1045. - All right.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1046. What is that?
Copy !req
1047. I don't know. What?
Copy !req
1048. That fucking stain on your pants, idiot.
What is that?
Copy !req
1049. - What are you talking about, man?
- Dude.
Copy !req
1050. - Is that blood?
- What the fuck is that?
Copy !req
1051. - Are you bleeding?
- I'm not cut or anything.
Copy !req
1052. - Why would I be bleeding?
- It's fucking blood, man.
Copy !req
1053. Were you dancing
with some chick in there?
Copy !req
1054. - Yeah, so?
- It's blood.
Copy !req
1055. - Dude, that's not funny.
- It's blood, dude.
Copy !req
1056. But why would I be bleeding?
Why the fuck would I be bl-?
Copy !req
1057. Dude, why would there be bl-?
Copy !req
1058. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1059. Oh, shit.
I'm gonna fucking throw up.
Copy !req
1060. Someone perioded
on my fucking leg?
Copy !req
1061. - Oh, shit.
- What the fuck do I do?
Copy !req
1062. I've never before
seen that in my life!
Copy !req
1063. This is so disgusting.
Copy !req
1064. - Yes, it is.
- I'm gonna go get Bill.
Copy !req
1065. - He's gotta check this shit out.
- Fuck, yeah.
Copy !req
1066. No. Who's Bill? Don't tell Bill!
Bill has nothing to do with this!
Copy !req
1067. Hey, calm down.
Let me get a picture of that real quick.
Copy !req
1068. No, you can't have a picture!
Copy !req
1069. - Dude, stop!
- Bill, Bill! Check it out!
Copy !req
1070. This kid's got period blood
on his slacks.
Copy !req
1071. It's merlot.
That's what you don't get.
Copy !req
1072. Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's
got period blood on his pants!
Copy !req
1073. - Please stop.
- God, man, let me see.
Copy !req
1074. Oh, my God,
that's a fucking man-gina, man.
Copy !req
1075. - Do you need a tampon? I could-
- Wait, wait. I have one! I have one!
Copy !req
1076. Yeah, right? I don't know.
Copy !req
1077. - I gotta wash this off. Is this the line?
- What does it look like?
Copy !req
1078. Fuck me, right?
Copy !req
1079. "Yeah, I'm McLovin.
I'd like to buy some-"
Copy !req
1080. Shit.
Copy !req
1081. - Rewind, rewind.
- Rewind it. Yeah!
Copy !req
1082. So hot. Let's see it again.
Copy !req
1083. - Your legs lifted off the ground.
- That is bona fide badass, man.
Copy !req
1084. You gotta keep that tape, McLovin.
It is badass.
Copy !req
1085. - It really is.
- Really?
Copy !req
1086. Well, don't you guys, like,
need it for, like, evidence or...?
Copy !req
1087. The only thing that's evidence of
is you can take a hit like a champ.
Copy !req
1088. Seriously. Take that.
Copy !req
1089. Are there any ladies
we'd like to show this tape to?
Copy !req
1090. No. You don't wanna meet a chick
in a bar, man. Seriously.
Copy !req
1091. That was a turning point
in my life, when I realized that.
Copy !req
1092. You gotta go to other places. You gotta
go to a spin class, a farmers' market...
Copy !req
1093. pumpkin patch,
given the time of year.
Copy !req
1094. Just somewhere social,
non-threatening.
Copy !req
1095. - You know, something like that.
- Yeah, I met the missus at paintball.
Copy !req
1096. Yeah, I shot her in the neck.
And we just...
Copy !req
1097. And we just hit it off, you know.
Copy !req
1098. My first wife-
Who is a whore, by the way.
Copy !req
1099. Where do you think I met her?
Copy !req
1100. A bar. A bar.
Copy !req
1101. - It was this bar.
- It was this bar.
Copy !req
1102. Yeah, it was this bar.
Copy !req
1103. Bought her a Binion's,
complimented her on her tote bag...
Copy !req
1104. and next thing I know, she's putting
her mouth around the tip of my penis.
Copy !req
1105. You don't have to tell me that.
Copy !req
1106. - Right in there.
- She opened up my world, sexually.
Copy !req
1107. On our wedding night,
we had group sex.
Copy !req
1108. I wasn't involved in it.
Copy !req
1109. - But I could hear it through the wall.
- I was.
Copy !req
1110. She was amazing. And then it was
exactly 23 months later...
Copy !req
1111. that I found out
she was an actual whore.
Copy !req
1112. - We discovered her on the street.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1113. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1114. She was bad.
Fucking whoring bitch.
Copy !req
1115. - But you got a new wife now, so...
- Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
1116. And she is wonderful.
Copy !req
1117. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You'll meet her.
Copy !req
1118. You know what?
I bet I know your trick, McLovin.
Copy !req
1119. - You play the whole myst-
- Calling all units.
Copy !req
1120. Just turn that off.
Copy !req
1121. Send backup!
There's so much blood—
Copy !req
1122. I bet you play the whole
mysterious-guy thing, right?
Copy !req
1123. Yeah, seriously.
How's it going with the ladies?
Copy !req
1124. It's not the going with the ladies
I care about...
Copy !req
1125. it's the coming.
Copy !req
1126. - I get it.
- What is it? What is it?
Copy !req
1127. Like coming.
Copy !req
1128. - That's funny. That is really funny.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1129. All right, looks like we got a call.
We can't pay for these.
Copy !req
1130. 10-4. We'll be right there.
Copy !req
1131. - Speedy Gonzales, let's go.
- We should get road beers.
Copy !req
1132. Hell, yeah,
We should get some road beers.
Copy !req
1133. Can I have 13 beers to go, please?
Copy !req
1134. Please. God, my fucking leg.
Copy !req
1135. Fuck.
Copy !req
1136. - I think it's him.
- Is it him?
Copy !req
1137. - Hello?
- Hey, Becca.
Copy !req
1138. Hi, I had a bad reception.
So about your Goldslick...
Copy !req
1139. - Guys, shut up.
- Hey, what's going on over there?
Copy !req
1140. It's nothing. It's just-
Copy !req
1141. I was just calling, you know,
to see if you were coming...
Copy !req
1142. because I thought maybe you were
stuck at, like, a nightclub...
Copy !req
1143. or a cocktail party or something.
Copy !req
1144. No, no, I'm gonna be there for sure.
Full throttle.
Copy !req
1145. - Charlie's Angels 2.
- Awesome.
Copy !req
1146. - I can't wait to see you. Evan?
- Okay, bye.
Copy !req
1147. That was the first time I ever did coke.
Off that bitch's nipple. That was so-
Copy !req
1148. - A little white sniff.
- That was awesome.
Copy !req
1149. That was gorgeous.
Copy !req
1150. Hey, hey, hey.
You guys, stay in this room, man.
Copy !req
1151. They're gonna kill that guy tonight.
That chick's boyfriend is pissed.
Copy !req
1152. Yeah. He's a beast.
Copy !req
1153. I've been praying for a fight.
I'm literally waking up and praying...
Copy !req
1154. - to see a fucking fight.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
1155. Who's that guy?
Copy !req
1156. - Hi.
- Who is that guy?
Copy !req
1157. - Who's this guy?
- Pleasure to see you fellas.
Copy !req
1158. Hi, everyone.
Copy !req
1159. - Who are you?
- I'm nobody.
Copy !req
1160. No, no, no. I know you. I know you.
Copy !req
1161. He was at that party
I was telling you about.
Copy !req
1162. - No, no.
- Who is it?
Copy !req
1163. Remember? He's Jimmy's brother.
The guy. The singer.
Copy !req
1164. - No.
- He's the guy with the beautiful voice.
Copy !req
1165. - The fucking singer, Jimmy's brother!
- That's not me, man.
Copy !req
1166. - Oh, my God.
- Sing for us! Sing.
Copy !req
1167. "It's not me"? You fucking lying?
Copy !req
1168. No, I don't mean to accuse you guys
of being ill-informed, but-
Copy !req
1169. My brother came from Scottsdale,
Arizona to be here.
Copy !req
1170. You're not gonna sing for him?
Copy !req
1171. - Fucking bullshit.
- Sing.
Copy !req
1172. - You're a fucking singer.
- You sing good.
Copy !req
1173. - Sing it again.
- Like a bird.
Copy !req
1174. - No, I know, I just- I want to.
- You want a line of cocaine?
Copy !req
1175. - No way, man.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1176. Don't make this weird. Sing.
Copy !req
1177. - Sing it again.
- Turbo.
Copy !req
1178. - Fuck! Over!
- Okay, watch this.
Copy !req
1179. I'll get it right on the nose.
Copy !req
1180. You're gonna fuck it up.
You're gonna fuck it up.
Copy !req
1181. Under!
Copy !req
1182. I feel hammered.
That doesn't make any sense.
Copy !req
1183. - You're a fucking pussy.
- Okay, okay. Great, great.
Copy !req
1184. - Okay, McLovin, see if you can do it.
- The kid's gonna nail it.
Copy !req
1185. Come on, McLovin.
Do it, buddy. Come on, buddy!
Copy !req
1186. - Bring it!
- 0.08, motherfuckers!
Copy !req
1187. - Man!
- That's my boy!
Copy !req
1188. - Yes!
- Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck.
Copy !req
1189. So, what's it like to have guns?
Copy !req
1190. It is awesome, McLovin.
Copy !req
1191. - I mean, it's mindbl-
- It's great.
Copy !req
1192. I haven't had one for long,
a few months, but I'll tell you...
Copy !req
1193. - it's like having two cocks.
- Yup.
Copy !req
1194. If one of your cocks
could kill someone.
Copy !req
1195. - Can I hold one?
- What?
Copy !req
1196. Can I hold one of your guns?
Copy !req
1197. - Yeah, sure.
- Fine with me. Why not?
Copy !req
1198. Everyone should hold a gun
at least a couple times.
Copy !req
1199. Yeah, there you go.
Copy !req
1200. - Have a blast.
- "Have a blast. "
Copy !req
1201. - That's funny.
- I've never held one of these before.
Copy !req
1202. - Are they hard to shoot?
- If you're Michaels, they are.
Copy !req
1203. - He can't shoot worth dick.
- What?
Copy !req
1204. I can shoot. What are you-? Wait.
Copy !req
1205. - I can't shoot worth dick?
- You cannot shoot.
Copy !req
1206. - I shot that cat last week.
- It was already dead, man.
Copy !req
1207. - I still shot it.
- That cat was dead.
Copy !req
1208. There's only one way
to settle this, guys.
Copy !req
1209. - Shoot-off.
- Shoot-off.
Copy !req
1210. - Shoot-off!
- Shoot-off!
Copy !req
1211. There's a lot of reasons
why I like you.
Copy !req
1212. I mean, you're handsome
and you're a good friend.
Copy !req
1213. Dude, there he is. That's the guy.
Hey, Mark, right there.
Copy !req
1214. Oh, you got a stain too.
Copy !req
1215. - We're blood brothers.
- Shut the fuck up.
Copy !req
1216. You're in my house,
you answer my questions.
Copy !req
1217. What were you doing
dancing with Jacinda?
Copy !req
1218. I don't even dance. I just-
Copy !req
1219. I don't even dance ever, so-
I've never even tried it.
Copy !req
1220. Then where the hell did this
come from, asshole?
Copy !req
1221. Maybe you and I rubbed up against
each other at some point.
Copy !req
1222. I don't remember. Maybe it was
some ricochet scenario. I don't know.
Copy !req
1223. - How am I supposed to know?
- Kick his ass, Mark.
Copy !req
1224. Shut the fuck up, Scarlett.
Copy !req
1225. Where do you get off
dancing with my fiancée?
Copy !req
1226. To some girl.
Copy !req
1227. Talk about the hurting.
Copy !req
1228. - Shit.
- All right.
Copy !req
1229. - Yo! Fight!
- Move it!
Copy !req
1230. - Go, check this out!
- Oh, fuck!
Copy !req
1231. And what the hell is this?
Copy !req
1232. - I don't fucking- It's detergent.
- Yeah, what are you doing with it?
Copy !req
1233. I got fucking blood on my pants.
Copy !req
1234. Get down.
Copy !req
1235. What the fuck is this all about, man?
Are you-?
Copy !req
1236. - Well, fuck me.
- Fellas.
Copy !req
1237. Oh, shit,
I've been tackled by little girls!
Copy !req
1238. You die! You're next!
Copy !req
1239. I should fucking kill you,
you motherfucker!
Copy !req
1240. - Hold him, Jimmy's brother! Hold him!
- What do you mean? No. No way!
Copy !req
1241. - You humiliated me!
- I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1242. - You used my leg as a tampon!
- I'm calling the cops.
Copy !req
1243. Evan! Come on! Move!
Copy !req
1244. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1245. Yeah. Fifth and Paysview. Hurry.
Copy !req
1246. Mark, I called the cops.
You should hide your gun.
Copy !req
1247. You're a fucking pussy.
Copy !req
1248. Don't listen to him, officer.
Copy !req
1249. If you make this,
we're no longer friends, Michaels.
Copy !req
1250. - You're a fucking pussy.
- Cheating. You're cheating.
Copy !req
1251. - Fuck me.
- Oh, suck on my nuts, Slater!
Copy !req
1252. All right, you-
That was a lucky shot.
Copy !req
1253. - That was a lucky shot.
- I rule.
Copy !req
1254. I got jizzed on. All right.
Copy !req
1255. - Can I shoot one?
- Yeah, go nuts. Go nuts.
Copy !req
1256. Have a good time, man.
Copy !req
1257. Empty the clip.
Empty the clip on it, man. Shit!
Copy !req
1258. The cops! Bail! Bail! Bail!
Shotgun, shotgun! Damn it!
Copy !req
1259. Shotgun.
Copy !req
1260. - What a rush.
- What do you guys wanna do?
Copy !req
1261. - Man, let's get drunk!
- Let's get more fucked up!
Copy !req
1262. You're fucking living the dream,
Michaels!
Copy !req
1263. Oh, man.
Copy !req
1264. This is gonna be the best night ever.
Copy !req
1265. - Got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview.
- Shit.
Copy !req
1266. All units in the area report
to Fifth and Paysview.
Copy !req
1267. - Car 98, that's you. Do it.
- Fuck.
Copy !req
1268. - Shit.
- Shit.
Copy !req
1269. Car 98 on it.
You dumb fucking whore.
Copy !req
1270. Hey, did she say we're gonna get
to shoot somebody or something?
Copy !req
1271. Oh, God, I wish.
Copy !req
1272. It's probably some lame house party.
We'll drop you off after. Cool?
Copy !req
1273. Yeah, man.
Let's show these fuckers how we roll!
Copy !req
1274. - You fucking prick.
- What?
Copy !req
1275. - You bailed on me.
- I didn't bail on you.
Copy !req
1276. Yeah, you did.
Copy !req
1277. You said you were gonna
do something and you didn't do it.
Copy !req
1278. That's bailing.
Copy !req
1279. You're the one that dragged me to
that fucking party with those lunatics.
Copy !req
1280. - I didn't bail on you.
- You bailed on me, okay?
Copy !req
1281. You bailed on me this morning
when Jesse spat on me...
Copy !req
1282. and you're bailing on me
next year.
Copy !req
1283. What the fuck? It finally comes out.
That's good, man.
Copy !req
1284. We were supposed to go
to college together.
Copy !req
1285. Since we were kids,
since elementary school...
Copy !req
1286. that's all we've ever talked about,
us going together.
Copy !req
1287. And you got into
fucking Dartmouth.
Copy !req
1288. You're making me feel
like I'm a bad guy.
Copy !req
1289. What-? I didn't do anything wrong.
I got into a good school.
Copy !req
1290. How the fuck am I supposed to get
into Dartmouth? You knew I couldn't.
Copy !req
1291. How fucking selfish are you?
Copy !req
1292. You had no problem letting Fogell
take the fall.
Copy !req
1293. You don't want me going
to a good school.
Copy !req
1294. - Fuck, man!
- So, what the fuck do you want?
Copy !req
1295. I'm not gonna let you
slow me down anymore, Seth.
Copy !req
1296. What are you saying?
Copy !req
1297. I've wasted the last three years
sitting around talking bullshit with you.
Copy !req
1298. Instead of chasing girls
and making friends...
Copy !req
1299. I've just sat around
wasting all my time with you.
Copy !req
1300. And now I'm going to college
a fucking friendless virgin.
Copy !req
1301. Is this about Becca?
This is about some girl, man?
Copy !req
1302. - I like her!
- Who gives a fuck?
Copy !req
1303. She's some fucking girl!
You gonna go out with her?
Copy !req
1304. - What about after that?
- Fuck you, you're a piece of shit.
Copy !req
1305. Fuck you! And next time
you're pissed off about something...
Copy !req
1306. don't keep it inside for 10 years,
say it like a fucking man!
Copy !req
1307. - Don't touch me.
- Fuck you!
Copy !req
1308. Hey, McLovin, are the numbers
on your side odd or even?
Copy !req
1309. - I don't know. It's too dark to see.
- We got flashlights.
Copy !req
1310. Oh, that's true.
Copy !req
1311. Where the fuck are we?
Copy !req
1312. - Hey, Slater.
- What's that?
Copy !req
1313. Slater.
Copy !req
1314. Now, young Michaels, you will die.
Copy !req
1315. All right. Come on, stop it.
I can't fucking see. I can't see. Fuck it.
Copy !req
1316. - Like it?
- Hey, fuck off, that hurts.
Copy !req
1317. - You stop first.
- Not until you stop.
Copy !req
1318. - Stop it, asshole.
- Hey, you stop.
Copy !req
1319. - Fuck you, Evan!
- Don't fucking touch me.
Copy !req
1320. Why did you do that?
Copy !req
1321. - You shined the light in my face.
- You did too.
Copy !req
1322. - I'm driving.
- We were playing Lightsabers.
Copy !req
1323. - Excuse me.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1324. Are you guys gonna make sure
he's okay?
Copy !req
1325. - Check on him.
- You check.
Copy !req
1326. - You go out there and check on him.
- Fuck that. You go.
Copy !req
1327. Balls. Okay, we'll both go out there
and check on him.
Copy !req
1328. I can't believe this is happening again.
What are the odds?
Copy !req
1329. Fuck.
Copy !req
1330. - Is everyone okay?
- Yeah, we're great, thanks.
Copy !req
1331. Hey, hey, where's the love?
Copy !req
1332. - He's okay. He's fine.
- Stand right next to your friend.
Copy !req
1333. - Get over there.
- I got them.
Copy !req
1334. You got these guys?
Copy !req
1335. You boys doing
a bit of drinking tonight?
Copy !req
1336. - No, officer. Not at all. Not- we-
- We found those.
Copy !req
1337. I don't believe you.
Copy !req
1338. Freeze. Stand right there.
Copy !req
1339. - We're telling the truth.
- Keep it going.
Copy !req
1340. - Don't be a hero tonight, guys.
- Wrong night for that.
Copy !req
1341. You gotta fucking take care of this.
Copy !req
1342. No. Look, I am not fixing your mistakes
again, okay? Fuck that shit.
Copy !req
1343. I don't wanna get shitcanned.
I like this job.
Copy !req
1344. Me too. I get free haircuts.
I'm not taking the fall.
Copy !req
1345. Okay, okay!
Copy !req
1346. We're gonna arrest
these two little dipshits, okay?
Copy !req
1347. And we're gonna pin it on them.
Copy !req
1348. Yeah, do what you have to do.
Copy !req
1349. Spread your shit!
Copy !req
1350. Get on the ground!
Loaded gun, ready to go!
Copy !req
1351. Spread your shit!
Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
Copy !req
1352. - Come on!
- Please don't shoot, sir.
Copy !req
1353. "Please don't shoot. "
Shut up and spread your shit!
Copy !req
1354. I am the law! Okay?
Copy !req
1355. Now hold hands.
Copy !req
1356. - What?
- Why?
Copy !req
1357. You don't want an asshole where your
face used to be, Whaling Jennings.
Copy !req
1358. - Hold his fucking hand!
- Fucking hold my hand.
Copy !req
1359. There. That's not so hard, is it?
Copy !req
1360. Here, McLovin, have a cigarette.
Copy !req
1361. Smoke up. Life's short, you know.
Copy !req
1362. Suck it in, my friend.
Copy !req
1363. Suck it long and deep.
Copy !req
1364. Enjoy it.
Copy !req
1365. McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.
Copy !req
1366. - You like Officer Slater and myself?
- Yeah, you guys are awesome.
Copy !req
1367. Thanks.
We really like you too, McLovin.
Copy !req
1368. So here's what's about to happen.
Copy !req
1369. We're gonna arrest these guys...
Copy !req
1370. you're gonna write a witness report
saying they leapt in front of our car...
Copy !req
1371. and there was nothing we could do.
Sound cool?
Copy !req
1372. - Yeah, that's fine.
- Good.
Copy !req
1373. That's good.
Pretend he's your little sister.
Copy !req
1374. Your little sister with the...
Copy !req
1375. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1376. Fagell?
Copy !req
1377. - Shit!
- Shit!
Copy !req
1378. Run! Run!
Copy !req
1379. Wait.
Copy !req
1380. Hold on, I gotta get all the booze.
Seth, wait up!
Copy !req
1381. McLovin bailed!
Copy !req
1382. Chase the kid!
Copy !req
1383. Stop!
Copy !req
1384. That was a fast kid.
Copy !req
1385. I want a ride! You hear me?
You can't unarrest me!
Copy !req
1386. Stop!
Copy !req
1387. - McLovin!
- Come on.
Copy !req
1388. McLovin!
Copy !req
1389. McLovin! Why?
Copy !req
1390. McLovin, come back!
Copy !req
1391. My hand! Monster!
Nicole! Nicole, get Daddy.
Copy !req
1392. - Get Daddy.
- Get Daddy!
Copy !req
1393. - Oh, shit.
- Get away from my kids!
Copy !req
1394. You sick sons of bitches!
Copy !req
1395. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1396. Michaels, are you okay?
Copy !req
1397. - It's just beer.
- Give me a break.
Copy !req
1398. - It's just beer.
- Man up.
Copy !req
1399. What happened?
What, did you lose him?
Copy !req
1400. He's a freak.
He's the fastest kid alive.
Copy !req
1401. - This is not good.
- He's the fastest kid alive.
Copy !req
1402. Fastest kid alive, my ass. Come on.
What are we gonna do?
Copy !req
1403. I'll shoot my gun in the air.
Copy !req
1404. Give me a fucking warning
before you do it.
Copy !req
1405. I'll scare him out of wherever
he's hiding.
Copy !req
1406. This isn't gonna do shit.
Get in the car. Get in the car.
Copy !req
1407. This is your fault, you piece of-
Copy !req
1408. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
They shot Seth.
Copy !req
1409. They fucking shot Seth, I know it.
Copy !req
1410. Holy shit.
Copy !req
1411. Holy shit. Holy shit.
Copy !req
1412. - Should I run?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1413. - Fuck. Stop!
- Stop the bus!
Copy !req
1414. - Stop it!
- It's stopping.
Copy !req
1415. - It's stopping.
- Oh, thank God.
Copy !req
1416. Hey, Evan, pay for me, please.
Copy !req
1417. That's me and him.
Copy !req
1418. Hey, hey. It's you.
Copy !req
1419. McMuffin.
Copy !req
1420. - You know this guy?
- It's-
Copy !req
1421. Ain't got no cop people to help you
keep your booze now, do you?
Copy !req
1422. Hey! Back the fuck up, man,
or I'll beat the shit out of you.
Copy !req
1423. - Give me the booze.
- Hey! Back the fuck up.
Copy !req
1424. Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up.
Copy !req
1425. Please, please, calm down, sir.
Copy !req
1426. Goldslick.
Copy !req
1427. Get off the bus
or I'm calling the cops.
Copy !req
1428. Eat shit, bum.
Copy !req
1429. Oh, shit, guys.
We're three blocks away, man.
Copy !req
1430. We made it. We made it
with the booze and everything.
Copy !req
1431. We made it.
Copy !req
1432. Hold this.
Copy !req
1433. I can't believe
you still have the liquor.
Copy !req
1434. It's awesome.
Copy !req
1435. Yeah, I told you the idea would work.
I fooled those cops.
Copy !req
1436. I'm McLovin. I am McLovin.
Copy !req
1437. Why do you guys have detergent?
Copy !req
1438. I don't understand why you were
smoking cigarettes with those cops.
Copy !req
1439. Because I fucking rule.
Copy !req
1440. - we are so gonna get laid tonight.
- I am. I'm gonna get laid.
Copy !req
1441. we're finally gonna
get our drinks on.
Copy !req
1442. I can't believe Becca's bottle broke.
Copy !req
1443. - I'm sure it'll be fine.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1444. I thought you didn't need it.
You were gonna tell her how you feel.
Copy !req
1445. Good luck getting Jules drunk enough
to have sex with you.
Copy !req
1446. - what's wrong with you guys?
- Nothing.
Copy !req
1447. You two femmes can talk about it
next year at your little slumber party.
Copy !req
1448. Oh, you told him.
Copy !req
1449. - Told me what?
- Yeah. You're an idiot, Fogell.
Copy !req
1450. - well, we gotta tell him now.
- No, we-
Copy !req
1451. well, he knows something's up.
Copy !req
1452. what are you guys talking about?
Tell me now.
Copy !req
1453. Seth, me and Evan are
rooming together next year.
Copy !req
1454. what's the big deal?
Copy !req
1455. "Oh, my God,
Fogell's rooming with Evan. "
Copy !req
1456. Jeez, why don't you go cry about it?
Copy !req
1457. - I didn't tell you because-
- You're a backstabber...
Copy !req
1458. and you lied to your best friend
and you just don't care anymore?
Copy !req
1459. I didn't expect this from you, Evan.
Copy !req
1460. Not from you.
Copy !req
1461. Give me that booze, Fagell.
Copy !req
1462. we never should have had to hide
our arrangement.
Copy !req
1463. - Seth's here.
- Seth, you're here.
Copy !req
1464. Hi. Everybody, Seth has got it.
Copy !req
1465. - Evan.
- Gaby, hey.
Copy !req
1466. where have you been?
You almost blew it.
Copy !req
1467. - what are you talking about?
- Becca. She's been waiting.
Copy !req
1468. She's over there.
Copy !req
1469. She's way smashed.
Copy !req
1470. And she's been yammering
about you all night.
Copy !req
1471. Really? what was she saying?
Copy !req
1472. She told you that she thinks
I'm a good guy?
Copy !req
1473. No, no.
She said something more like:
Copy !req
1474. "I will fully blow him tonight. "
Copy !req
1475. - what?
- I know.
Copy !req
1476. - Yeah.
- But she's totally hammered...
Copy !req
1477. and if I get with her
and I'm not drunk, isn't that unethical?
Copy !req
1478. Not if you're drunk too.
Copy !req
1479. I guess not.
Copy !req
1480. To Seth.
Copy !req
1481. - To Seth!
- All right.
Copy !req
1482. who the fuck is Seth?
Copy !req
1483. I'm Seth!
Copy !req
1484. Let's do another one to me.
Copy !req
1485. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
1486. Calm down. Calm down, man.
Copy !req
1487. Calm down. She likes you.
Copy !req
1488. She wants to suck on your penis.
Copy !req
1489. It's a good thing.
Copy !req
1490. It's the best thing.
Copy !req
1491. Just down the hatch.
Copy !req
1492. Fogell. What's up?
Copy !req
1493. Evan, hey. Evie, come here.
Copy !req
1494. Can you please help me up?
Copy !req
1495. I fell down and none of these assholes
will help me up.
Copy !req
1496. - Shit.
- Becca.
Copy !req
1497. I have been waiting for you
for, like, ever.
Copy !req
1498. - what took you so long?
- I know, it-
Copy !req
1499. - Do you have my Goldslick?
- No, I can't even-
Copy !req
1500. It's such a crazy story, okay?
Copy !req
1501. - I swear I was try-
- It doesn't even matter.
Copy !req
1502. Look. Look what we-
we can just drink this.
Copy !req
1503. - Here. You could have a drink.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
1504. - I'm already pretty wasted.
- Take a drink.
Copy !req
1505. Okay, here's to you.
This is to Becca.
Copy !req
1506. To Becca.
Copy !req
1507. - To the respecting-
- Guys.
Copy !req
1508. - women.
- To people respecting women.
Copy !req
1509. Okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
1510. You're a lightweight.
Copy !req
1511. Hey.
Copy !req
1512. You and me,
we should go upstairs, because-
Copy !req
1513. Because I need to
tell you something. Okay?
Copy !req
1514. You could just tell me here,
I mean...
Copy !req
1515. I can't tell you, because
it's a secret for you from me.
Copy !req
1516. - All right.
- So come. Come on. Okay.
Copy !req
1517. - Bye, guys.
- Bye.
Copy !req
1518. - Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
1519. You changed your name
to McLovin?
Copy !req
1520. - That's so cool.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
1521. So, like, what's Hawaii like?
Copy !req
1522. All right. I am back.
Copy !req
1523. I had to thank the peeps
for coming out, you know.
Copy !req
1524. Jules. I want you
to have a drink with me.
Copy !req
1525. Just drink some of this.
You're gonna love it.
Copy !req
1526. You're to-
I know you're gonna love it.
Copy !req
1527. - You know, I-
- It's green beer. For your information.
Copy !req
1528. You know, I'm actually good
right now. But thank you.
Copy !req
1529. And thank you very much
for bringing everything, again.
Copy !req
1530. Seriously, it really made the night.
Copy !req
1531. No, that's how I roll.
That's the thing.
Copy !req
1532. It's no problems. You'll learn that.
Copy !req
1533. I love talking
and conversing with you.
Copy !req
1534. But I can't hear you, though,
because the music is so loud.
Copy !req
1535. So do you wanna go outside
and talk more?
Copy !req
1536. Yeah. Sorry, sure.
You know, why not?
Copy !req
1537. Let's do it.
I haven't conversed in ages.
Copy !req
1538. - Okay. Ladies- Ladies first.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1539. - Thank you very much.
- No problem.
Copy !req
1540. - watch your step. I fell earlier today.
- You serious?
Copy !req
1541. well, I was hit by a car.
It's a long story.
Copy !req
1542. - Oh, shit. Careful.
- Okay, well...
Copy !req
1543. So loud. Don't let the parents hear.
Copy !req
1544. You look so pretty.
Copy !req
1545. - Are you okay?
- I so flirt with you in math.
Copy !req
1546. Tell me about it. L- Samesies.
Copy !req
1547. I've wanted to tell you for so long
that you're the best girl.
Copy !req
1548. I know. I've wanted to get with you,
like, so hard.
Copy !req
1549. Like so hard.
Copy !req
1550. You're the best.
Copy !req
1551. we'll take this sweater off. I think so.
Copy !req
1552. Just be careful, because it's a
meaningful sweater to me. It's vintage.
Copy !req
1553. Okay.
Copy !req
1554. - Bought it at that vintage market.
- Just hurry.
Copy !req
1555. - And this one.
- It's off.
Copy !req
1556. Hey, wait, careful.
Copy !req
1557. - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my.
Copy !req
1558. Put that there.
Copy !req
1559. - Now, looky, looky...
- Okay.
Copy !req
1560. - what I got for you under here.
- Oh, my gosh.
Copy !req
1561. You are the prettiest girl...
Copy !req
1562. - this side of the Mississippi.
- I have a little something...
Copy !req
1563. for you under here.
Copy !req
1564. You look so pretty.
Copy !req
1565. - Look so pretty.
- Under there.
Copy !req
1566. Hello.
Copy !req
1567. For you.
Copy !req
1568. You're the best. You're so unique.
Copy !req
1569. Come here.
Copy !req
1570. Evan, kiss me.
Copy !req
1571. I like you so much.
Copy !req
1572. Come on, McLovin.
Copy !req
1573. I've never been
with an older guy before.
Copy !req
1574. well, it's way better.
Copy !req
1575. I know, we made some
kick-ass tiramisu earlier.
Copy !req
1576. It was deli- It looked weird.
But it was delicious.
Copy !req
1577. what-? what's wrong?
Copy !req
1578. L- I would prefer
if we would just do that...
Copy !req
1579. at some other time.
Copy !req
1580. No. There is no other time.
School is up.
Copy !req
1581. - what's wrong with right now?
- well, I mean, you're- You're drunk.
Copy !req
1582. - You're, like, really, really drunk.
- So? You're drunk. You're drunk, Jules.
Copy !req
1583. Yeah, I'm actually-
I'm not drunk at all.
Copy !req
1584. I don't even drink, so it's...
I mean...
Copy !req
1585. Jules, you drink. You drink.
Copy !req
1586. Everybody- You-
You had me get liquor, so you drink.
Copy !req
1587. It's like...
Copy !req
1588. well, yeah, because
I'm throwing a party, remember?
Copy !req
1589. Other people drink
and so I just...
Copy !req
1590. You...?
Copy !req
1591. You don't wanna, you know?
Copy !req
1592. Not right now.
Copy !req
1593. You know, not while you're drunk.
Copy !req
1594. But, you know, thank you.
Copy !req
1595. - Evan. Evan, I'm so wet.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1596. They said that would happen
in health, when I learned about it.
Copy !req
1597. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1598. - They taught me about-
- who's down there?
Copy !req
1599. Yeah, it's your hand.
Copy !req
1600. - Thank you, that's good.
- You have such a smooth cock.
Copy !req
1601. Thank you.
You would too if you were a man.
Copy !req
1602. But you got such a smooth chest.
Copy !req
1603. I am gonna give you...
Copy !req
1604. the best blow-J ever...
Copy !req
1605. with my mouth.
Copy !req
1606. why don't we-?
why don't we just kiss a while?
Copy !req
1607. why don't we keep kissing for a bit,
instead of...?
Copy !req
1608. How badly do you wanna fuck me?
Copy !req
1609. Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
1610. Jesus, fuck.
Copy !req
1611. - Hang on one second.
- what?
Copy !req
1612. Becca,
I don't think you wanna do this.
Copy !req
1613. - You're really drunk.
- No, I'm not. I am not drunk.
Copy !req
1614. - I see that you are. I think you are.
- And I really- I want you inside me.
Copy !req
1615. I want you to be my first.
I want you inside me.
Copy !req
1616. So just- Just go with it.
Copy !req
1617. - Let it happen.
- I know, but...
Copy !req
1618. Becca, this is kind of intense.
Copy !req
1619. And I just- I'm so drunk.
I can't even, like, process this.
Copy !req
1620. And you're really pretty.
Copy !req
1621. And I just think
this isn't how I pictured it.
Copy !req
1622. I don't understand why you have to be
such a little bitch about it.
Copy !req
1623. - Did you just call me a bitch?
- Yes, a scared-
Copy !req
1624. See, I, like,
I think we're not thinking clear-
Copy !req
1625. Holy shit. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1626. - Go get Gaby.
- I'll go get her.
Copy !req
1627. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Go get Gaby, please.
Copy !req
1628. - I got a boner.
- Good.
Copy !req
1629. - Do you have a condom?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1630. And lube.
Copy !req
1631. Seth?
Copy !req
1632. Are-? Are you crying?
Copy !req
1633. No, I just have something
in both my eyes.
Copy !req
1634. I don't cry. That's funny.
Copy !req
1635. You look- You look-
It looks like you're crying.
Copy !req
1636. So...
Copy !req
1637. It was my last chance
and I fucked it up and-
Copy !req
1638. Your last chance to do what?
Copy !req
1639. To make you
my girlfriend for the summer.
Copy !req
1640. You're, like, the coolest person
that's ever talked to me.
Copy !req
1641. I thought we'd both be drunk.
Copy !req
1642. what does me being drunk
have anything to do with it?
Copy !req
1643. You'd never get with me
if you were sober.
Copy !req
1644. Look at you.
Copy !req
1645. - Look at me.
- Seth, come on, you didn't blow it.
Copy !req
1646. I think maybe-
Copy !req
1647. what the fuck?
Copy !req
1648. Help me.
Copy !req
1649. Shirley.
Copy !req
1650. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1651. - Someone forgot to call pest control.
- Yep.
Copy !req
1652. where you going?
Hey, party's still on.
Copy !req
1653. - where are you going?
- No.
Copy !req
1654. If you're back there, get out.
Everyone, come on.
Copy !req
1655. - we will shoot you.
- Party's over.
Copy !req
1656. - Evan.
- Get the hell out of here.
Copy !req
1657. Keep your hands up.
Copy !req
1658. Life's bullshit, Miroki.
Copy !req
1659. Ev, wake the fuck up, man.
Copy !req
1660. we gotta go.
Those fucking cops are here, man.
Copy !req
1661. "Oh, no, it's the cops. "
we have a complaint.
Copy !req
1662. - Evan, come on.
- Get the hell out of here right now.
Copy !req
1663. Get out of here.
She's not interested.
Copy !req
1664. - Drop the crantini and move it, sister.
- See you, sugar tits.
Copy !req
1665. Guys, come on, move.
Copy !req
1666. Everybody out.
Leave the booze and go.
Copy !req
1667. what the fuck, man?
Copy !req
1668. what the fuck, Seth?
Copy !req
1669. He's my best friend. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1670. Oh, shit. Come on.
Copy !req
1671. I assume you all have guns
and crack.
Copy !req
1672. Oh, my God, come on. Don't stop.
Copy !req
1673. Okay, everyone...
Copy !req
1674. prepare to be fucked
by the long dick of the law.
Copy !req
1675. Get out.
Copy !req
1676. Come on, go.
Copy !req
1677. Fuck off, Seth.
Copy !req
1678. Get a room.
Copy !req
1679. I'm gonna save you.
I'm gonna save you, Evan.
Copy !req
1680. Fuck.
Copy !req
1681. Fuck. Fuck, man, so heavy.
Copy !req
1682. It's in. Oh, my God, it's in.
Copy !req
1683. All right, everybody out.
Come on, let's go.
Copy !req
1684. McLovin! what the fuck?
Copy !req
1685. - Officer Slater, is that you?
- You ran away from us.
Copy !req
1686. why did you run away?
Michaels, get up here.
Copy !req
1687. - No. I didn't run away.
- what the fuck?
Copy !req
1688. why would you do that?
Copy !req
1689. - I was disoriented from-
- were you violating that girl?
Copy !req
1690. You just violated her with your penis?
Michaels, look.
Copy !req
1691. - McLovin?
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
1692. No.
Copy !req
1693. Holy shit.
were you just getting laid?
Copy !req
1694. No. Yeah, I was, but-
Copy !req
1695. - Yes, yes, he was.
- It's not what you think, guys.
Copy !req
1696. - I'm not even-
- Sit the fuck down. Stay down.
Copy !req
1697. - Calm down.
- I thought we were friends...
Copy !req
1698. and then you go running away.
Copy !req
1699. Contain yourself.
Copy !req
1700. - we're friends.
- Shut up.
Copy !req
1701. - Calm down. Calm down, man.
- why? what?
Copy !req
1702. You just cock-blocked McLovin.
Okay?
Copy !req
1703. He's our friend. We don't do that.
Copy !req
1704. we should be guiding his cock,
not blocking it.
Copy !req
1705. Just relax, okay?
Let's make this right.
Copy !req
1706. wait, what are you-?
what are you guys doing?
Copy !req
1707. No, please, I can't- I can't go to jail.
Please, I can't go to jail.
Copy !req
1708. No, look.
we're really sorry, McLovin.
Copy !req
1709. This has- This has gone on-
This has gone way too far.
Copy !req
1710. what? what are you talking about?
Copy !req
1711. we know you're not 25, man.
we're not idiots, McLovin.
Copy !req
1712. - Yeah.
- Did you know the whole time?
Copy !req
1713. Look, when we were your age,
we hated cops.
Copy !req
1714. when we saw you
in the liquor store today, we just...
Copy !req
1715. I guess we saw a bit of ourselves,
you know...
Copy !req
1716. and we just wanted
to show you that...
Copy !req
1717. you know, cops can have
a fun time too, you know?
Copy !req
1718. Yeah.
Copy !req
1719. You know, in a way,
I think we wanted to show ourselves.
Copy !req
1720. Also, I'm...
Copy !req
1721. I'm really sorry
that I blocked your cock.
Copy !req
1722. - Apology accepted.
- Seriously, man.
Copy !req
1723. That feels good.
Copy !req
1724. - It feels so good.
- I missed you guys.
Copy !req
1725. I just wish we could
make it up to you somehow, man.
Copy !req
1726. well, do you think
you can do me a really big favor?
Copy !req
1727. - what is it? Anything.
- Name it.
Copy !req
1728. - This kid's fucking crazy.
- Stay back for your own safety.
Copy !req
1729. Get off me, you fucking cops.
Get your hands off.
Copy !req
1730. Do you know who I am?
I'm Fogell.
Copy !req
1731. - The joint can't hold me.
- Holy shit, Fogell's a badass.
Copy !req
1732. I'm gonna break your glasses,
you fucking cop. You can't hold me.
Copy !req
1733. Fucking pigs.
Copy !req
1734. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1735. Nice mullet, asshole.
Copy !req
1736. - You crazy.
- This kid's crazy.
Copy !req
1737. He's nuts.
well, we caught the infamous Fogell.
Copy !req
1738. Get your hands-
wait for me, Nicola.
Copy !req
1739. wait for me on the outside.
Copy !req
1740. we were gonna go to Hawaii.
Copy !req
1741. Man, that's gonna get you
so much ass.
Copy !req
1742. Seriously?
Copy !req
1743. - I know what to do about the car.
- Sweet.
Copy !req
1744. Fucking go. Fucking throw up.
Copy !req
1745. Are you carrying me?
Copy !req
1746. No, I'm saving you from the cops.
Copy !req
1747. You saved me?
Copy !req
1748. well, I don't know what
you're talking about, but thanks.
Copy !req
1749. Can I- Should I just walk?
Copy !req
1750. - Should I walk?
- Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
1751. - Okay.
- where do you wanna go?
Copy !req
1752. Sleepover at my house?
You wanna come sleep...?
Copy !req
1753. - Okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1754. Does your mom
still have pizza bagels?
Copy !req
1755. Yeah. Lots.
Copy !req
1756. Pizza bagels.
Copy !req
1757. So by signing this,
you are officially saying...
Copy !req
1758. that as we stopped you
from being mugged...
Copy !req
1759. a crackhead stole our cruiser
and did God knows what with it.
Copy !req
1760. - You cool to sign that?
- Of course. I owe you guys my life.
Copy !req
1761. we owe you, Mc-
wait, what's your real name again?
Copy !req
1762. - Fogell.
- Fuck that.
Copy !req
1763. - we're calling you McLovin.
- McLovin.
Copy !req
1764. Let's do this dance, boys.
Copy !req
1765. - Oh, my God.
- what did I tell you guys, right?
Copy !req
1766. That was crazy.
Copy !req
1767. All right.
Copy !req
1768. All right, now, guys, check this out.
Copy !req
1769. It's probably the greatest move
in doughnut-spinning history.
Copy !req
1770. You paying attention?
Copy !req
1771. Behold, the upward-spiraling pigtail.
Copy !req
1772. - why is it called that?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1773. Make the badge proud, Slater.
Copy !req
1774. He's not usually this drunk
when he does this...
Copy !req
1775. but I think
that could make it more cool.
Copy !req
1776. McLovin!
Copy !req
1777. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1778. Fuck.
Copy !req
1779. - Slater!
- Officer Slater.
Copy !req
1780. All right. Fucking crazy.
Copy !req
1781. Let's do this.
Copy !req
1782. - Hurry, hurry. Let's go. Go, go.
- I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
Copy !req
1783. - I'm out, I'm out.
- Good, here we go, here we go.
Copy !req
1784. Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up.
Copy !req
1785. Don't blow yourself up, asshole.
Copy !req
1786. Yes. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1787. It worked. It worked.
Copy !req
1788. we won. We won.
Copy !req
1789. Can we shoot at it?
Copy !req
1790. I don't know. Can you?
Copy !req
1791. Break yourself, fool.
Copy !req
1792. Tight.
Copy !req
1793. Listen, and then she said
she was gonna give me a blow-J.
Copy !req
1794. - I can't believe she said that to you.
- Man, you have no idea.
Copy !req
1795. - what was she thinking?
- You don't even know.
Copy !req
1796. I gotta tell you.
I gotta tell you something, Evan.
Copy !req
1797. what?
Copy !req
1798. I was in your room, like,
three weeks ago...
Copy !req
1799. while you were taking a shit.
Copy !req
1800. And I saw your housing, like, forms.
Copy !req
1801. So I knew you and Fogell
were gonna live together, you know.
Copy !req
1802. I'm sorry, man, I don't know.
Copy !req
1803. I should've told you.
I don't know why I didn't.
Copy !req
1804. Don't- No, don't be sorry.
I should be sorry.
Copy !req
1805. I was being a dick.
I was being a big dick to you.
Copy !req
1806. No, I-
Copy !req
1807. Listen, Seth, I want you to know,
I don't wanna live with Fogell.
Copy !req
1808. I never wanted to live with him.
I just don't- I ha-
Copy !req
1809. I'm afraid to live with strangers.
Copy !req
1810. I can't.
Copy !req
1811. I can't do it.
Copy !req
1812. I know, I know.
Copy !req
1813. I can't believe you saved me.
Copy !req
1814. You saved me.
Copy !req
1815. I can't believe. I owe you so-
Copy !req
1816. You carried me. I love you.
Copy !req
1817. I love you, man.
Copy !req
1818. I love you.
Copy !req
1819. I love you. I'm not even
embarrassed to say it. I just-
Copy !req
1820. I lo- I love you.
Copy !req
1821. - I'm not embarrassed.
- I love you.
Copy !req
1822. I love you.
Copy !req
1823. why don't we say that every day?
why can't we say it more often?
Copy !req
1824. I just love you. I just wanna
go to the rooftops and scream:
Copy !req
1825. "I love my best friend, Evan. "
Copy !req
1826. - we should go up on my roof.
- For sure.
Copy !req
1827. Like, when you went away for Easter,
on your vacation, I missed you.
Copy !req
1828. - I missed you too.
- I want the world to know.
Copy !req
1829. It's- It's the most beautiful thing
in the world.
Copy !req
1830. Come here. Come here, man.
Copy !req
1831. - I love you.
- I love you.
Copy !req
1832. what the fuck?
Copy !req
1833. - what up?
- Morning. Morning.
Copy !req
1834. I should get moving.
I should get moving.
Copy !req
1835. I should be getting
a move on, for sure.
Copy !req
1836. Yeah, you don't-
I mean, you don't have to, you know.
Copy !req
1837. I don't really have anything
going on.
Copy !req
1838. You don't have to rush off like that.
Copy !req
1839. You wanna hang out?
Copy !req
1840. I was gonna go to the mall.
Copy !req
1841. I have to get a new comforter.
Copy !req
1842. For college.
The mall, they would sell that.
Copy !req
1843. Cool. So...
Copy !req
1844. your mom's got huge tits.
Copy !req
1845. what do you think?
Copy !req
1846. I don't know, man. Don't ask me.
Copy !req
1847. Because I don't give a shit
how pants look.
Copy !req
1848. Yeah, I need someone's opinion.
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1849. Those are too tight.
Those are way too tight.
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1850. - Yeah, but, like-
- way too tight. You need to upgrade.
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1851. There's not enough pants where
there should be. More pants.
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1852. Yeah, but-
I mean, does it look weird?
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1853. Looks like you're standing funny. You
wouldn't stand like that. Like a duck.
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1854. Yeah, but I'm doing like-
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1855. - I'm doing the college poses like-
- I don't know if you are.
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1856. - You might just be doing-
- Hey, prof.
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1857. - Okay.
- That test was...
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1858. Hey, Susan. Are you gonna
party tonight or no?
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1859. Yeah, but that's just- It's like I wish
there were more pants where-
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1860. You know, where there aren't.
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1861. But when I was wearing
your dad's pants...
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1862. I realized that if I wear pants
that are a little too small...
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1863. it might encourage me
to lose weight.
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1864. And also,
chicks can kind of see, like...
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1865. you know, the borders
and outline of my dick a little.
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1866. Yeah, man, they go nuts for that.
The male camel toe.
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1867. Yeah, the camel tail. It's right-
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1868. I know where it is, where it happens.
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1869. Like, right there.
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1870. It's like they're so tight that one ball is,
like, above my dick, even.
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1871. - Yeah, exactly.
- It's like three.
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1872. It's like a three thing.
It's like ball, dick, ball.
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1873. It's like a division sign.
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1874. Like a bunch of people
crammed into a van.
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1875. - Making my ass look weird?
- It makes a lot of stuff look weird.
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1876. No, those are way too tight.
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1877. You're right, these look stupid.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
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1878. I'm really sorry about that.
I can't believe I actually did that.
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1879. I feel bad that I'm making you
buy me a new one.
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1880. It's seems, like, ridiculous.
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1881. - No. I have to, it's puke. It's gross.
- Oh, my God.
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1882. Do alcoholics get hangovers?
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1883. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
It's them.
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1884. - what the fuck do we do, man?
- Don't stop. I don't know.
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1885. - Hey.
- Hey.
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1886. How's it going?
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1887. It's so good to-
How are you feeling?
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1888. I've felt better. But I'll be fine.
How about you?
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1889. I'm okay, you know, yeah.
Did you have fun last night?
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1890. You know,
I actually don't remember much.
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1891. I don't remember anything.
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1892. - So weird.
- Nothing.
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1893. I didn't puke on you, did I?
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1894. You didn't.
I remember that you- I avoided it.
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1895. It whizzed right by me, and I said,
"Stay away from me," you know.
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1896. I'm really sorry about
everything last night, and I just...
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1897. Thank you for being
such a nice guy about it all.
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1898. That's okay, you know.
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1899. At least you don't have
a black eye from it.
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1900. - That looks terrible.
- Yeah.
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1901. You look great. You don't look terrible.
It's just, like, a bad bruise.
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1902. Everything's great, just from he-
This, just like right there.
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1903. - Your eye.
- Yeah, your eye.
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1904. Everything else is great.
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1905. But seriously,
I acted like a fucking idiot last night.
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1906. You don't deserve that.
So I'm sorry.
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1907. On the upside,
I think you look cool with a black eye.
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1908. I'm just gonna throw that out there.
I don't- I don't know.
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1909. well, thank you, smart guy.
Thanks. That's actually why I'm here.
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1910. Because I have to get
a ton of cover-up for the grad photo.
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1911. Oh, man. Fuck.
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1912. And I'm gonna get Jules
a new comforter.
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1913. I have to get a comforter too.
For college.
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1914. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I just figured I would need one.
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1915. So, Seth...
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1916. So do you wanna come
buy me cover-up or something?
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1917. I mean, you kind of owe me.
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1918. Yeah, definitely.
I would love to do that.
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1919. I had such bad acne last year...
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1920. that I pretty much became,
like, an expert on the stuff.
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1921. well, you drove.
Evan drove me here, though, so...
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1922. well, so-
well, I mean, I have my dad's car.
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1923. So I could just give you a lift...
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1924. and then Evan
could take Becca home.
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1925. If that works.
I don't know if it's in your route.
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1926. It'd be fine with me.
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1927. Fine, yeah.
Maybe we can get some food.
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1928. Yeah, I'd like that.
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1929. So I guess I'll call you, then.
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1930. Yeah, give me a call.
Yeah, you have my number.
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1931. I have your information.
So put her there.
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1932. Perfect. Good. All right, man.
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1933. - Okay.
- Okay, guys.
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1934. - Becca.
- Bye, guys.
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1935. - Bye, have fun.
- See you, Jules.
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1936. Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.
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1937. where do you wanna go to eat?
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1938. So can you honestly help me figure out
what kind of cover-up to get?
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1939. I love you.
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