1. Hey, Brennan.Copy !req
2. Mom, I'm watching the thing
with the lady.Copy !req
3. I'm leaving. Okay?
I'll be home around 11.Copy !req
4. - Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Brennan.Copy !req
5. Let's slowly get those hips up.
Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.Copy !req
6. Dale.Copy !req
7. Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.Copy !req
8. - You leave me money for pizza, Dad?
- Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.Copy !req
9. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.Copy !req
10. - But what if I want wings?
- You don't need wings.Copy !req
11. That's not enough, Dad!Copy !req
12. The RTI cochlear implant...Copy !req
13. is the state-of-the-art
implantable hearing device...Copy !req
14. due to its input processing of sound
via the speech processor.Copy !req
15. But the most exciting
new development...Copy !req
16. is the external processor...Copy !req
17. which fits directly over the ear...Copy !req
18. which eliminates the need to put
your face between those breasts.Copy !req
19. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost.
And this never happens to me.Copy !req
20. My name is Robert, and I play
racquetball. I collect coins.Copy !req
21. Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.Copy !req
22. I am Nancy Huff. I know
how to make tandoori chicken...Copy !req
23. I contribute to NPR
every single year...Copy !req
24. and I love the movies
of Rob Reiner.Copy !req
25. Pilates changed my life.Copy !req
26. I have a boat, and I wanna retire
and sail around the world.Copy !req
27. - I love the sea!
- And I drive a Mercedes...Copy !req
28. and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale,
who still lives at home.Copy !req
29. - What did you just say?
- I knew I shouldn't have told you that.Copy !req
30. I have a 39-year-old son
named Brennan...Copy !req
31. who still lives at home with me.Copy !req
32. I would like to thank all of you...Copy !req
33. for being here with us
on this fantastic, wonderful day.Copy !req
34. And I would like to raise my glass.Copy !req
35. Dale and I wanna welcome you
to our home with open arms.Copy !req
36. - Get a room, Dad.
- Oh, for chri... Dale!Copy !req
37. Well, as you all know, my youngest
son, Derek, couldn't be here...Copy !req
38. because of an important
fishing trip.Copy !req
39. But my other son, Brennan, was going
to be moving into his own place...Copy !req
40. but he was recently let go
from his job at PetSmart...Copy !req
41. so he is gonna be living with us.Copy !req
42. I wasn't fired from my job,
I was laid off!Copy !req
43. But you wouldn't
know the difference.Copy !req
44. I didn't want salmon!
I said it four times.Copy !req
45. This wedding is horseshit.Copy !req
46. Somebody's awfully quiet
back there.Copy !req
47. I'm not gonna call him Dad.Copy !req
48. Brennan, you're 39 years old.Copy !req
49. I would not expect you
to call him Dad.Copy !req
50. Well, I'm not going to, ever.
Even if there's a fire.Copy !req
51. Robert better not get in my face...Copy !req
52. because I'll drop
that motherfucker.Copy !req
53. Jesus, Brennan.Copy !req
54. I'm just saying, I think
you gotta think about your options.Copy !req
55. I know that you are
technically married now...Copy !req
56. but that does not mean
that they have to live here.Copy !req
57. Dale, I think it's time for a change
for both of us.Copy !req
58. Dad, we're men, okay?Copy !req
59. That means a few things.Copy !req
60. We like to shit with the door open.
We talk about pussy.Copy !req
61. We go on riverboat-gambling trips.
We make our own beef jerky.Copy !req
62. That's what we do.
And now that is all wrecked.Copy !req
63. We literally have never done
any of those things.Copy !req
64. Where did he go to medical school?Copy !req
65. He went to Northwestern
and Johns Hopkins.Copy !req
66. - Is that good enough for you?
- No, it's not.Copy !req
67. Well, Brennan, those are
very prestigious schools.Copy !req
68. I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.Copy !req
69. You don't know anyone
named Johnny Hopkins.Copy !req
70. It was Johnny Hopkins
and Sloan Kettering...Copy !req
71. and they were
blazing that shit up every day.Copy !req
72. All right, here's a scenario
for you, Dad.Copy !req
73. Suppose Nancy sees me
coming out of the shower...Copy !req
74. and decides to come on to me.
I'm looking good.Copy !req
75. I've got a luscious V of hair...Copy !req
76. going from my chest pubes
down to my ball-fro.Copy !req
77. And she takes one look at me,
and she goes:Copy !req
78. "Oh, my God.Copy !req
79. I've had the old bull,
now I want the young calf."Copy !req
80. - And she grabs me by the wiener.
- Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
81. - Come on, Brennan.
- I'm fine here.Copy !req
82. - There you are.
- Hi.Copy !req
83. Oh, you look so cute
in your moving clothes.Copy !req
84. - How was it?
- It was easy.Copy !req
85. The movers did everything.Copy !req
86. Where's Brennan?Copy !req
87. He's still in the car.Copy !req
88. It was kind of a rough drive.Copy !req
89. Hey, Robert,
what's all the commotion?Copy !req
90. - Hey, Don.
- Is that your wife, Nancy?Copy !req
91. - Right here, Don.
- Can I come over this afternoon...Copy !req
92. and touch your face?
- Sure.Copy !req
93. Thanks. Good luck, guys.Copy !req
94. We'll see you, Don.Copy !req
95. Let's go, Cinnamon.
Heel, Cinnamon.Copy !req
96. Heel! Cinnamon!Copy !req
97. Cinnamon!Copy !req
98. Hi, Dale.Copy !req
99. Hey, Nancy. Could you make me
a grilled-cheese sandwich?Copy !req
100. - Sure.
- No.Copy !req
101. Dale just ate. He's testing you to see
how much he can get away with.Copy !req
102. - I see.
- I'm hungry.Copy !req
103. Look in your right hand.Copy !req
104. - I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't.
- No, no.Copy !req
105. No, no. He's fine.Copy !req
106. Hey.Copy !req
107. Hey.Copy !req
108. I'm Brennan.Copy !req
109. I'm Dale.Copy !req
110. But you have to call me Dragon.Copy !req
111. You have to call me Nighthawk.Copy !req
112. Brennan.Copy !req
113. Please don't do that.Copy !req
114. Now, that's enough ketchup.
Come on. Dale.Copy !req
115. - I like it.
- That's enough.Copy !req
116. So, Dale, what have you been
working on recently?Copy !req
117. Well...Copy !req
118. I manage a baseball team.Copy !req
119. - Little League?
- Fantasy league.Copy !req
120. Take a picture. It'll last longer.Copy !req
121. Why don't you stop
being so confrontational, Dale?Copy !req
122. I'm not the one staring at me.Copy !req
123. So, Brennan, how about you?Copy !req
124. I know you used to
work at PetSmart.Copy !req
125. - That's right, Mr. Doback.
- Call me Robert.Copy !req
126. - That's right, Robin.
- Robert.Copy !req
127. Robin.Copy !req
128. Actually, Brennan
is a really talented person.Copy !req
129. He's a very gifted singer.Copy !req
130. - I'm really, really good.
- How good?Copy !req
131. I've been called
the songbird of my generation...Copy !req
132. by people who've heard me.Copy !req
133. That good.Copy !req
134. The only trick is
is that Brennan's very...Copy !req
135. particular about
who he sings in front of, so...Copy !req
136. I'm his mom, for example,
I've only heard him sing twice.Copy !req
137. That's funny that you say that,
because I can sing too.Copy !req
138. In fact, I'll sing right now.Copy !req
139. If you wanna get down
On these hairy ballsCopy !req
140. - Hey!
- Why don't you jump right in?Copy !req
141. It's a crotch party right up in hereCopy !req
142. - Stop it!
- Why don't you lick on this big joint?Copy !req
143. Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
144. That's cute.Copy !req
145. I remember when I had my first beer.Copy !req
146. That's so funny,
the last time I heard that...Copy !req
147. I laughed so hard
I fell off my dinosaur.Copy !req
148. Stop right now. All right?
Let's just back off.Copy !req
149. All right. Brennan, it's okay.
It's okay.Copy !req
150. Hey, hey.Copy !req
151. - Great, Dale.
- He said a mean thing first.Copy !req
152. All right, just...
Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.Copy !req
153. Okay, sleeping arrangements.
It's gonna be different...Copy !req
154. but because Dale refuses
to give up his office drum set...Copy !req
155. that means that, Brennan, you and
Dale are gonna have to share a room.Copy !req
156. - But it's just temporary.
- Mom, we didn't talk about this.Copy !req
157. Well, it's gonna be
an exciting adventure.Copy !req
158. You wanna show him the room, Dale?
Show him where he can put his stuff?Copy !req
159. - That's nice, thank you.
- Good night, Nancy.Copy !req
160. Hey, listen, I like to have
a lot of fresh fruit around...Copy !req
161. and chocolate chips
in my pancakes. Okay?Copy !req
162. - Write it so you don't forget.
- Show him the room.Copy !req
163. She's Mom now, so...Copy !req
164. - Good night, Mom.
- Good night, Brennan.Copy !req
165. - Good night, Mr. Doback.
- Good night, Brennan.Copy !req
166. So just a few basic rules
about the house.Copy !req
167. If there's any foods that you like...Copy !req
168. I suggest you put your name
on them, or they will be thrown out.Copy !req
169. By me.Copy !req
170. House was built in 1825
by General Custer.Copy !req
171. I wanna show you this room.Copy !req
172. Hold up.Copy !req
173. - You see this room?
- Yeah.Copy !req
174. Okay, here's the deal.Copy !req
175. This is my office
and my beat laboratory.Copy !req
176. Okay?Copy !req
177. And this is the one rule of the house:Copy !req
178. Don't ever, ever, ever...Copy !req
179. touch my drum set.Copy !req
180. - You understand?
- Don't go in there and...Copy !req
181. - No touching!
- All right!Copy !req
182. There. I was at about six there.Copy !req
183. You don't wanna see me go to 10.Copy !req
184. Get your shit.
We're going to my room.Copy !req
185. Honey?Copy !req
186. I just found a chain of islands
that we can sail to after New Zealand.Copy !req
187. That's wonderful.Copy !req
188. You know,
I've been meaning to ask you...Copy !req
189. Why is it that Dale never left?Copy !req
190. Well, Dale has always
coasted off my accomplishments.Copy !req
191. I mean, he left college
his junior year...Copy !req
192. because he said he wanted
to join the family business.Copy !req
193. - But you're a medical doctor.
- Believe me, I've told him that.Copy !req
194. But he just always says,
"It's all about who you know."Copy !req
195. I don't know where
he got this sense of entitlement.Copy !req
196. Maybe it was his mother passing.
What about Brennan?Copy !req
197. From what you've told me...Copy !req
198. his younger brother Derek's
been quite successful.Copy !req
199. Well, certainly when his father
and I split, that was difficult for him.Copy !req
200. And this one time, when Brennan
was 17 and Derek was 14...Copy !req
201. and Brennan decided
to enter a talent show.Copy !req
202. He sang a song
from an old pirate musical.Copy !req
203. But Derek got his football buddies
to replace the choir and sing:Copy !req
204. "Brennan has a mangina."Copy !req
205. Brennan has a mangina
Brennan has a manginaCopy !req
206. Finally, the audience and even some
of the nastier parents started singing:Copy !req
207. "Brennan has a mangina."Copy !req
208. And I have to admit, for a little while,
I sort of joined in as well.Copy !req
209. From that day on,
Brennan never sang again.Copy !req
210. Derek went on to win the contest
by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."Copy !req
211. - Oh, that's a great song.
- It is.Copy !req
212. - Hey, you awake?
- Yeah.Copy !req
213. I just want you to know I hate you.
So does my dad.Copy !req
214. Well, that's fine.Copy !req
215. Because guess what.Copy !req
216. I hate you too.Copy !req
217. And this house sucks ass.Copy !req
218. Well, the only reason
you're living here...Copy !req
219. is because me and my dad decided
that your mom was really hot...Copy !req
220. and maybe we should just
both bang her.Copy !req
221. And we'll put up with the retard
in the meantime.Copy !req
222. - Who's the retard?
- You.Copy !req
223. - Hey, y'all don't say that.
- Shut up.Copy !req
224. You'll wake up my dad
and get me grounded.Copy !req
225. Just shut up.Copy !req
226. You and your mom are hillbillies.Copy !req
227. - This is a house of learned doctors.
- You're not a doctor.Copy !req
228. You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.Copy !req
229. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
230. - I'm a curly-headed fuck?
- Yeah.Copy !req
231. You better not go to sleep.Copy !req
232. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna
punch you square in the face.Copy !req
233. I hope you stay still
when you sleep...Copy !req
234. because I'm putting a rat trap
between your legs.Copy !req
235. I'm gonna take a pillowcase
and fill it full of bars of soap...Copy !req
236. and beat the shit out of you.Copy !req
237. I want you out of my fucking house.Copy !req
238. No way, kemosabe.Copy !req
239. This is my house now.Copy !req
240. How do you like The Gilded Lady?Copy !req
241. I wish we could retire right now.Copy !req
242. Won't be long.Copy !req
243. Oh, God! It's cold!Copy !req
244. Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!Copy !req
245. Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!Copy !req
246. - obviously you guys are hot.
You know?Copy !req
247. Just revealed her cover.
I was like, "Wow, this is hot."Copy !req
248. A little girl-on-girl.
A little heaven, a little hell.Copy !req
249. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
250. - Why you so sweaty?
- I was watching Cops.Copy !req
251. Not supposed to have
your feet on the couch.Copy !req
252. Hey, man.Copy !req
253. Did you touch my drum set?Copy !req
254. - Nope.
- It's just weird...Copy !req
255. because seems like someone
definitely touched my drum set.Copy !req
256. Yeah, that is weird.
Because I didn't touch them.Copy !req
257. - Hey! Did you touch my drum set?
- Hey, knock it off!Copy !req
258. I know you touched my drumstick,
because the left one has a chip in it.Copy !req
259. You fucking crazy, man?Copy !req
260. You sound insane, do you realize
that? You should be medicated.Copy !req
261. Fuck you, Brennan.
I know you touched my drum set.Copy !req
262. I wanna hear that
dirty mouth admit it.Copy !req
263. You get out of my face,
or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.Copy !req
264. You swear on your mom's life
that you didn't touch it!Copy !req
265. I don't swear to shit!Copy !req
266. That's because you fucking
touched my drum set...Copy !req
267. because I know
Cops doesn't start till 4.Copy !req
268. - Where are you going?
- I'm going upstairs.Copy !req
269. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack
on your drum set. Okay?Copy !req
270. Don't you do that.
I am warning you right now:Copy !req
271. If you touch my drums, I will
stab you in the neck with a knife!Copy !req
272. If you even go in the room,
I will go ape-shit, you hear me?Copy !req
273. Don't wanna miss a spot.Copy !req
274. John Bonham's playing
"Moby Dick" for real!Copy !req
275. I swear to God. I swear to God! No!Copy !req
276. I warned you.Copy !req
277. There's one rule in the house,
and you broke it!Copy !req
278. I didn't touch your damn drum set!Copy !req
279. I'm pre-diabetic!Copy !req
280. You fucking fucker! I'm gonna
rub my balls on your mom's face!Copy !req
281. Come back here!Copy !req
282. I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!Copy !req
283. Your drum set's a whore!Copy !req
284. I teabagged your fucking drum set!Copy !req
285. Well, my drum set's a guy,
so that makes you gay, you fucker!Copy !req
286. I'll kill you!Copy !req
287. Excuse me
very sorry.Copy !req
288. Dr. Doback, the phone's for you.
I think it's urgent.Copy !req
289. Hello?Copy !req
290. Robert, they're like animals!
I can't stop them!Copy !req
291. Stop screaming. Please.
I'm on my way.Copy !req
292. There seems to be some
savage fight going on...Copy !req
293. between my son and stepson,
so l...Copy !req
294. What's going on?Copy !req
295. Robert! They won't... They won't...Copy !req
296. - Stop it! Stop it!
- Dale, what...?Copy !req
297. - Stay out of it, Dad!
- Stop it!Copy !req
298. What the fucking fuck?Copy !req
299. Someone got some air. Snap.Copy !req
300. - I still hate you.
- Still hate you.Copy !req
301. Such power. It's raw power.Copy !req
302. What are you doing?
It's Shark Week.Copy !req
303. Okay, here's the deal:Copy !req
304. Number one, you will fix
the fucking drywall now.Copy !req
305. Number two, you have one month to
find jobs or you're out on your asses.Copy !req
306. I will arrange interviews for Monday,
and you will go!Copy !req
307. Dad, why are you talking
to me like this? I'm your son.Copy !req
308. I'm not buying that crap anymore.Copy !req
309. Today I saw my own son
use a bicycle as a weapon.Copy !req
310. You yelled "rape"
at the top of your lungs.Copy !req
311. Mom, I honestly thought
I was gonna be raped for a second.Copy !req
312. He had the craziest look in his eyes.Copy !req
313. And at one point he said,
"Let's get it on."Copy !req
314. That was about the fighting.
I'm so not a raper.Copy !req
315. I didn't touch your drum set, okay?Copy !req
316. I witnessed with my eyes
your testicles touching my drum set.Copy !req
317. All right, that's it! That's it!Copy !req
318. You two guys leave me no choice.Copy !req
319. No television for a week.Copy !req
320. - What?
- What?Copy !req
321. - We are so serious, guys.
- You're fucking high!Copy !req
322. Are you out of your mind?Copy !req
323. This goes in Robert's wall safe
and it's gonna stay there.Copy !req
324. - No!
- Okay.Copy !req
325. - This house is a fucking prison!
- On planet Bullshit!Copy !req
326. In the galaxy of
This Sucks Camel Dicks!Copy !req
327. Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.Copy !req
328. - Hey.
- You can't catch me.Copy !req
329. I gotcha.Copy !req
330. I gotcha.Copy !req
331. Aunt Carol's on fire!Copy !req
332. I don't know where you learned it.Copy !req
333. - Well, there's lots more where that...
- My God.Copy !req
334. - Oh, no. What happened?
- What the...?Copy !req
335. Oh, my God.Copy !req
336. Maybe Dale left the back door open
and raccoons got in.Copy !req
337. Nancy? Is this your purse
in the freezer?Copy !req
338. Yes. It's Brennan.Copy !req
339. He sleepwalks and he always
puts my purse in the freezer.Copy !req
340. Dale sleepwalks too.Copy !req
341. - Are you kidding me?
- I'm not. Look in the oven.Copy !req
342. - What's in the...? Couch pillows?
- Couch pillows.Copy !req
343. Yeah, Dale.Copy !req
344. Come on.Copy !req
345. - It's okay.
- It's really hard.Copy !req
346. It's gonna be fine.Copy !req
347. They're gonna get jobs,
they'll be gone in a month. A month.Copy !req
348. Guys.Copy !req
349. - Guys. Guys!
- I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.Copy !req
350. The clown has no penis.Copy !req
351. What kind of dreams
are you guys having?Copy !req
352. Hey, it's 12:30.Copy !req
353. Brennan, your brother's
coming today, so get up.Copy !req
354. - Today?
- Yep.Copy !req
355. - Shit.
- What's your problem?Copy !req
356. My little brother's even
a bigger asshole than you are.Copy !req
357. All right, let's really nail it this time.
Here we go.Copy !req
358. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.Copy !req
359. All right, Tommy, you're the oldest.
I'm counting on you. Come on.Copy !req
360. Nice vibrato, buddy.
All right, all right, Alice, let's go.Copy !req
361. Flat. It's so flat.Copy !req
362. I can't even... You don't even
look good while you're singing.Copy !req
363. The worst thing I've ever heard.Copy !req
364. This is $ 1200 a week for
voice lessons, and this is what I get?Copy !req
365. Okay, I'm gonna save it
with this solo.Copy !req
366. I'm DerekCopy !req
367. And I can sing high like thisCopy !req
368. And I can sing highCopy !req
369. Jesus!Copy !req
370. We were so sad you guys
couldn't come to the wedding.Copy !req
371. - But we completely understand.
- Yeah.Copy !req
372. You were busy fishing
with Mark Cuban.Copy !req
373. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, not just the Cubes...Copy !req
374. but we had Chris Daughtry,
Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.Copy !req
375. It was insane.
I mean, it was almost too much.Copy !req
376. My God, that's impressive.Copy !req
377. Yeah, we were down in the Gulf,
fishing bonito.Copy !req
378. Robert, have you ever been down
to the Gulf on the bonito run?Copy !req
379. Always wanted to.
I hear it's amazing.Copy !req
380. - It is. It's gorgeous.
- Are bonito fish big?Copy !req
381. What?Copy !req
382. Don't interrupt
when he's telling a story.Copy !req
383. - It's fine, Robert.
- I was asking about the story.Copy !req
384. - What's this guy's deal?
- I don't know, son. It's okay.Copy !req
385. Well, Dale, they are
what's called a trophy fish.Copy !req
386. So, yeah, they're pretty big.Copy !req
387. I'm sorry.Copy !req
388. Anyway...Copy !req
389. Oh, God, I'm sorry,
I forget where my story was going.Copy !req
390. Damn it, Dale.Copy !req
391. - No...
- Robert.Copy !req
392. - What?
- What? I asked him.Copy !req
393. No, he can join in, Robert.
It's really okay.Copy !req
394. Well, I asked him twice
not to interrupt.Copy !req
395. Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining
the story. And possibly the evening.Copy !req
396. It's totally fine.
I have a lot more stories.Copy !req
397. - Derek, that you do. That you do.
- Yeah.Copy !req
398. - Guilty as charged with the stories.
- Oh, God, you're impressive.Copy !req
399. Come on. I love talking to you.Copy !req
400. From across the room,
I feel like we have a thing.Copy !req
401. You and me, man. You're my
new stepdad. You're unbelievable.Copy !req
402. - I never heard that laugh before.
- Dad, why are you acting so weird?Copy !req
403. Oh, hey, by the way, guys,
where's my bro, Brennan?Copy !req
404. You're right about your brother.
Total dick.Copy !req
405. Told you.Copy !req
406. You know what? I still hate you...Copy !req
407. but you got a pretty awesome
collection of nudie mags.Copy !req
408. Yeah, I got them
from the '70s, '80s and '90s.Copy !req
409. It's like masturbating
in a time machine.Copy !req
410. Anyway, so I figure by the summer
of 2010, we can probably set sail.Copy !req
411. But I think about it
every day of my life.Copy !req
412. Let me ask you this, Bob,
why wait two years?Copy !req
413. - Well, I gotta make more money.
- Okay, look.Copy !req
414. I hear you, believe me.Copy !req
415. But what if I were to tell you
that I could sell this house...Copy !req
416. for 30 percent above market?Copy !req
417. - That'd be great. Could you do it?
- Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.Copy !req
418. Look, I got my real-estate license
a few years back for shits and gigs.Copy !req
419. I'd do it for four-fifths commish...Copy !req
420. because you know what really
gets my dick hard?Copy !req
421. Helping out my friends.Copy !req
422. That'd be fantastic.
That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.Copy !req
423. - No, it would be kick-ass, bro.
- Oh, man.Copy !req
424. Right there.Copy !req
425. What about Dale and Brennan?Copy !req
426. Because they haven't
even gotten jobs yet.Copy !req
427. God, change the record.Copy !req
428. Sweet!Copy !req
429. Robert. Don't talk to me like that
in front of my son.Copy !req
430. Oh, come on. We're talking about
our dream, the boat. Come on.Copy !req
431. Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it
all needs to be done in good time.Copy !req
432. I'm just saying give it some thought,
okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.Copy !req
433. Holy shit, triplets.Copy !req
434. It's true, three's company.Copy !req
435. - It shows tons of bush.
- Hey, hey, careful.Copy !req
436. Careful with that. You're crinkling.Copy !req
437. That's a collector's item.
It's worth a lot of money.Copy !req
438. What's up, faggots?Copy !req
439. What's up, man? What, you're not
gonna come down, say hi to me?Copy !req
440. Hi, Derek.Copy !req
441. Whoa, calm down, man.
I'm just joking.Copy !req
442. You guys, I really like
your guys' setup up here.Copy !req
443. What is your problem, man?Copy !req
444. My problem? I don't know.
I don't have a problem, Dale.Copy !req
445. Actually, I have the opposite
of a problem:Copy !req
446. I made over 550 K last year.
How much did you make?Copy !req
447. - It's not about money.
- No, it's not about money.Copy !req
448. Well, for me,
it's a little bit about money...Copy !req
449. and I made
that much money last year.Copy !req
450. I am the VP of the biggest...Copy !req
451. executive-helicopter-leasing
company on the Western Seaboard.Copy !req
452. Okay? I haven't had a carb
since 2004.Copy !req
453. Check these out. See these?
See these boys?Copy !req
454. This is what I live with.Copy !req
455. Every day I lather this up
with Kiehl's in the shower.Copy !req
456. You wanna touch this shit?
You wanna touch these bad boys?Copy !req
457. Sorry, not gonna happen.Copy !req
458. Is there something you want?Copy !req
459. I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.Copy !req
460. I told her it'd count as her
Christmas present, so...Copy !req
461. No. I'm never gonna work for you.Copy !req
462. Fine. I don't care.Copy !req
463. The truth is I just smoked a J
out in my car a few minutes ago...Copy !req
464. so feeling a little spacy.Copy !req
465. Know what I'm say...?
What's up with you, man?Copy !req
466. What you looking at, kemosabe?Copy !req
467. You...Copy !req
468. You wanna punch me right now.Copy !req
469. You wanna punch me right now,
but you won't.Copy !req
470. You wanna punch me too?Copy !req
471. You guys both look like you might
wanna hit me in the face.Copy !req
472. You do, I can tell.
Well, why don't you do it?Copy !req
473. Why don't you punch me
in the face?Copy !req
474. Punch me in the fucking face!Copy !req
475. - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my shoulder!Copy !req
476. That was awesome.Copy !req
477. Mom! Mom!Copy !req
478. Derek, know what's always good
for shoulder pain?Copy !req
479. - What?
- If you lick my butthole.Copy !req
480. Snap!Copy !req
481. - Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby.
- Sure.Copy !req
482. Aside from that retard trying to punch
me, it was a pretty good evening.Copy !req
483. - It was our pleasure, son.
- Why are you calling him that?Copy !req
484. Oh, don't, don't.Copy !req
485. Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock
you recommended, Tommy.Copy !req
486. Excuse me.Copy !req
487. - Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife.
- Hi.Copy !req
488. Is it true you struck Derek in the face
and he fell from the tree house?Copy !req
489. Yeah. He asked me to.Copy !req
490. Oh, that's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.Copy !req
491. I want you to know that tonight...Copy !req
492. I am gonna pleasure myself to
the image of you doing that to Derek.Copy !req
493. You know what I mean?Copy !req
494. Masturbate.Copy !req
495. I am.Copy !req
496. Oh, Dale.Copy !req
497. You are something.Copy !req
498. You are something.Copy !req
499. You're something too.Copy !req
500. I wanna roll you into a little ball
and shove you up my vagina.Copy !req
501. You could just live there.
It's warm and it's cozy.Copy !req
502. In your vagina?Copy !req
503. I wanna walk around with you
in there and just know that...Copy !req
504. whenever I feel a little tickle
or scratch...Copy !req
505. that it's just your hair
up my vagina.Copy !req
506. Please, just do it for me.Copy !req
507. What's happening?Copy !req
508. Kiss me.Copy !req
509. I know. I know. It's too much.Copy !req
510. It's too much.Copy !req
511. I hate my life, Dale.Copy !req
512. Dale, I hate my life!
I have nobody to talk to.Copy !req
513. - Well, you seemed okay at the di...
- Please.Copy !req
514. Alice! Honey, come on!Copy !req
515. Dane Cook, pay-per-view,
20 minutes. Let's go!Copy !req
516. Coming, honey!
I'm just talking to Dale.Copy !req
517. This is so stupid.Copy !req
518. Call me.Copy !req
519. - I love you.
- Okay.Copy !req
520. - Hey. What'd she want?
- What?Copy !req
521. Nothing. Who's...? Who?Copy !req
522. Alice.Copy !req
523. We were just talking. Not...
It was not about sex or anything.Copy !req
524. I can't believe you hit Derek.Copy !req
525. I know. Did you see
the expression on his face?Copy !req
526. - That was cool.
- Listen.Copy !req
527. I know that we started out as foe.Copy !req
528. But after that courageous act...Copy !req
529. that you showed me
against the one they call Derek...Copy !req
530. maybe someday
we could become friends.Copy !req
531. Friends who ride majestic,
translucent steeds...Copy !req
532. shooting flaming arrows
across the Bridge of Hemdale.Copy !req
533. I would follow you into the mists
of Avalon, if that's what you mean.Copy !req
534. Do you wanna see something cool
that only three people have seen?Copy !req
535. Okay, open your eyes.Copy !req
536. See that black smudge
right there on the blade?Copy !req
537. - Yeah.
- Look at it closely.Copy !req
538. - Pretty recognizable signature.
- No.Copy !req
539. Randy Jackson from American Idol.Copy !req
540. Why do you have Randy Jackson's
autograph on a martial-arts weapon?Copy !req
541. I bumped into him
and all I had was this sword...Copy !req
542. and you're not gonna not get
Randy Jackson's autograph.Copy !req
543. I would've done
the exact same thing.Copy !req
544. Now, do you wanna see
something really cool?Copy !req
545. - Of course.
- Turn off the lights.Copy !req
546. Industrial-strength
night-vision goggles.Copy !req
547. Holy Santa Claus shit.Copy !req
548. Can you imagine if we had these
when we were 12?Copy !req
549. Even better.
We got them when we're 40.Copy !req
550. You know what's amazing? They're
not that noticeable on your face.Copy !req
551. - Right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
552. I can't believe I've been living here
for two weeks...Copy !req
553. and I'm walking
around this place...Copy !req
554. thinking I've got a huge doucher
for a stepbrother.Copy !req
555. Secretly, you're not a doucher.Copy !req
556. Let's play a game, all right?Copy !req
557. On the count of three,
name your favorite dinosaur.Copy !req
558. Don't even think about it, just name it.
Ready? One, two, three.Copy !req
559. - Velociraptor.
- Velociraptor.Copy !req
560. Favorite non-pornographic magazine
to masturbate to.Copy !req
561. - Good Housekeeping.
- Good Housekeeping.Copy !req
562. If you were a chick, who's
the one guy you'd sleep with?Copy !req
563. - John Stamos.
- John Stamos.Copy !req
564. - What?
- Did we just become best friends?Copy !req
565. Yep.Copy !req
566. Do you wanna go do karate
in the garage?Copy !req
567. Yup!Copy !req
568. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
569. I think they're starting to
like each other.Copy !req
570. I got a really bad feeling about this.Copy !req
571. - Sword fight!
- I know.Copy !req
572. Sword fight!Copy !req
573. - Exactly the same!
- I know! That's so weird.Copy !req
574. Now you're in trouble.Copy !req
575. - Come on!
- No!Copy !req
576. They're betting against you,
but you can do it!Copy !req
577. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
578. Is this a bad time?Copy !req
579. What the hell's going on?Copy !req
580. Ma, Mr. Doback, okay,
Dale and I were just...Copy !req
581. Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.Copy !req
582. Sorry. Okay.Copy !req
583. Mom, Doback...Copy !req
584. we think it would be very prudent...Copy !req
585. - Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
- Yes.Copy !req
586. Why are you guys so sweaty?Copy !req
587. We've already figured out how.
The beds match up perfectly.Copy !req
588. It would give us so much extra space
in our room to do activities.Copy !req
589. Please say yes.Copy !req
590. You don't need our permission
to build bunk beds.Copy !req
591. You're adults.
You can do what you want.Copy !req
592. So?Copy !req
593. I'm not making myself clear.Copy !req
594. I don't give a fuck.Copy !req
595. Now, you both have
several interviews tomorrow.Copy !req
596. I would think you'd be focused
on that and not building bunk beds.Copy !req
597. - So?
- So?Copy !req
598. - We can? No?
- Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.Copy !req
599. - I knew it.
- Okay. You are not gonna regret this.Copy !req
600. We'll get so much more
activities done.Copy !req
601. This is the funnest night ever!Copy !req
602. This is so scary.Copy !req
603. - How you doing over there?
- Really good.Copy !req
604. Okay.Copy !req
605. Does your son know anything
about carpentry?Copy !req
606. No, not a th... Did I hear a drill?Copy !req
607. - Dale! Dale, no power tools!
- Power tools.Copy !req
608. - What?
- No power tools!Copy !req
609. - No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth.
- That is not your toothbrush.Copy !req
610. Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.Copy !req
611. - We did it.
- We did it!Copy !req
612. It looks amazing!Copy !req
613. Look at that! That looks like
what you'd buy from a store!Copy !req
614. - Should've been a bunk bed all along.
- Look at this space.Copy !req
615. - We could do aerobics in here.
- So many activities!Copy !req
616. - Do step class.
- It's making my head spin...Copy !req
617. how many activities we can do.
- Play Army men.Copy !req
618. - Yeah.
- Come on.Copy !req
619. Hey, I never asked you.
Do you like guacamole?Copy !req
620. Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!Copy !req
621. Brennan! Brennan!Copy !req
622. Dad. Nancy. It's bad.Copy !req
623. It's so bad.
There's blood everywhere.Copy !req
624. The bunk beds were a terrible idea.
Why'd you let us do that?Copy !req
625. It's so bad!Copy !req
626. How would you describe that?Copy !req
627. - It's not so bad.
- Right. See?Copy !req
628. Put your beds back.Copy !req
629. Rumpus time is over.Copy !req
630. You got a big day tomorrow.
You need your eight hours.Copy !req
631. And although she was 88 years old,
she never stopped believing.Copy !req
632. It's 8:20 in the a.m.Copy !req
633. Coming up next, a recent study
by the American Council...Copy !req
634. Look at her. She's hot.Copy !req
635. Okay, guys, this is it.
Good luck. Don't be late.Copy !req
636. Dad, I need to borrow
some clothes for the interview...Copy !req
637. since I don't have
any fancy clothes.Copy !req
638. You go in my closet, take whatever
you need. You guys gotta look sharp.Copy !req
639. This is the most important
day of our lives.Copy !req
640. - Okay.
- No pressure, no pressure.Copy !req
641. - All right? Relax.
- Okay.Copy !req
642. I gotta go. I gotta go.Copy !req
643. This is your day.
Remember that. You own it.Copy !req
644. - This is your one day!
- All right.Copy !req
645. Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener
is ready for your interview.Copy !req
646. Actually, we'll be
interviewing as a team.Copy !req
647. We're here to fuck shit up.Copy !req
648. Move it!Copy !req
649. Hey!Copy !req
650. Well, Brennan, you certainly
have had a lot of jobs.Copy !req
651. I'm a bit of a spark plug.Copy !req
652. And, Human Resources lady,
when I think...Copy !req
653. - You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
654. - Well, Pan...
- No, my name is Pam.Copy !req
655. - Are you saying Pan or Pam?
- I'm saying Pam.Copy !req
656. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this
gentleman sitting behind you?Copy !req
657. Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale.
I'm Brennan's stepbrother...Copy !req
658. and I think I might be able to help
with the Pan-Pam dilemma.Copy !req
659. - Yeah, that'd be great.
- Pam.Copy !req
660. - Pan.
- Pam.Copy !req
661. - Pand. There's a D on the end.
- With an M.Copy !req
662. - There's no D. It's Pam.
- It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.Copy !req
663. - N-N. There's two N's.
- Two M's. That was the confusion.Copy !req
664. No, there's just one M.Copy !req
665. What do you say we interview you?Copy !req
666. All right. Yes, that's a
sometimes-useful exercise.Copy !req
667. Please put your hand down.Copy !req
668. Go ahead.Copy !req
669. How much money do you make
a year before taxes?Copy !req
670. Okay, I'm actually not comfortable
answering that.Copy !req
671. - Come on!
- We're doing the interview, not you.Copy !req
672. Here's a shot out of a cannon:
Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.Copy !req
673. You gotta fuck one,
marry one, kill one. Go!Copy !req
674. I think we're done here. Thank you.Copy !req
675. First of all,
I needed someone to work...Copy !req
676. Wait, shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.Copy !req
677. I think we've had enough...Copy !req
678. - Shush up for one second.
- Shut your mouth.Copy !req
679. - Wait, shut your mouth.
- I'm sorry, what did you just say?Copy !req
680. - You're just coming off stupid.
- I'm coming off stupid?Copy !req
681. You're wearing tuxedos to a job that
requires you to clean bathrooms.Copy !req
682. - Please leave this office, we're done.
- Do we get any sort of souvenir?Copy !req
683. Get out of my office!Copy !req
684. I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind
hanging out with for 12 hours a day.Copy !req
685. You guys seem like cool guys.Copy !req
686. Got hair similar to mine,
you wear tuxedos to the interview.Copy !req
687. That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.Copy !req
688. Underplaying the whole formality of it.
I think that's funny as hell.Copy !req
689. So let's do this, you know?
You guys are hired. You're in.Copy !req
690. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever
and I don't see it.Copy !req
691. Great.Copy !req
692. - Was that a fart?
- I don't know.Copy !req
693. I can taste it.Copy !req
694. On my tongue.Copy !req
695. Okay, I'll be honest with you.
I did fart.Copy !req
696. Is that onion? Onion and...
Onion and ketchup.Copy !req
697. - It stinks. And this is a small room.
- Shit.Copy !req
698. Okay, now the tuxedos
seem kind of fucked up.Copy !req
699. God. We were so close.Copy !req
700. So, what do we do for jobs?
Is your dad really gonna kick us out?Copy !req
701. Listen, don't worry about my dad.Copy !req
702. Got him sewn up.Copy !req
703. We've gotta start thinking bigger,
though, Brennan.Copy !req
704. Listen, what are you really good at?Copy !req
705. Singing. I'm a world-class singer.Copy !req
706. See? Right there,
that's an amazing skill.Copy !req
707. Now, what am I good at?Copy !req
708. I can shred on the drums
and I'm a marketing wiz.Copy !req
709. Put all that together,
what do you get?Copy !req
710. - I don't know, a band?
- No, that's been done before.Copy !req
711. Even better: we are gonna start an
international entertainment company.Copy !req
712. The biggest and the best.Copy !req
713. And we're gonna call it
Prestige Worldwide.Copy !req
714. That sounds so cool.Copy !req
715. I feel like a lightning bolt
hit the tip of my penis.Copy !req
716. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
717. We're brothers. This is why we met.Copy !req
718. - To form this alliance, right?
- Right?Copy !req
719. That's why our parents met,
so this idea could happen.Copy !req
720. - Okay, what do we do?
- We get to work.Copy !req
721. And we hit the beat laboratory
right now. Let's go.Copy !req
722. - What?
- Wait.Copy !req
723. What time is it?Copy !req
724. - 4:30.
- 4:30.Copy !req
725. 4:32.Copy !req
726. - I can't go down Whitworth right now.
- Okay.Copy !req
727. We should go this way.Copy !req
728. - What's up?
- Chris Gardocki.Copy !req
729. - What?
- He gets in my face...Copy !req
730. and I just don't wanna
deal with the hassle now.Copy !req
731. - Are you this scared?
- Can we please go the long way?Copy !req
732. - Down Cutler?
- Yeah.Copy !req
733. But that's 45 minutes.Copy !req
734. You're gonna shame me
into doing this.Copy !req
735. - You sound stupid.
- You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.Copy !req
736. Oh, man.Copy !req
737. Oh, God, there they are.Copy !req
738. Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?Copy !req
739. - Let's make him lick dog shit.
- Yeah.Copy !req
740. Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.Copy !req
741. Is that your boyfriend?
Is that your butt buddy?Copy !req
742. Look, Mr. Gardocki,
just leave me alone, will you?Copy !req
743. Shut your mouth, esé.Copy !req
744. You guys just go back and have fun
on your jungle gym, okay?Copy !req
745. Does butt buddy have a name?Copy !req
746. If you're referring to me as
butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.Copy !req
747. It's Brennan Huff.Copy !req
748. If you don't come over here
and lick that white dog shit...Copy !req
749. I'm gonna plow into your nose
with my fist.Copy !req
750. - I'm not licking any white dog shit.
- I'll lick the shit if you leave us alone.Copy !req
751. Dale, you're not licking
dog shit, okay? They're kids.Copy !req
752. - Brennan, it's just dog shit.
- It's ridiculous!Copy !req
753. - Hello, how are...?
- Oh, God!Copy !req
754. Leave him alone! Leave him alone!Copy !req
755. Get them!Copy !req
756. So maybe you don't
go down that way anymore.Copy !req
757. Maybe you go the long way home.Copy !req
758. That's what we talked about.
We'll take the long way home.Copy !req
759. You know in that one scene
in The Wizard of Oz...Copy !req
760. when the flying monkeys
pull apart the Scarecrow?Copy !req
761. That's what it was like.Copy !req
762. - It's okay, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry.Copy !req
763. Is my dad mad about
the stuff that happened?Copy !req
764. Robert was very upset, yes.Copy !req
765. He knows that you interviewed
as a team.Copy !req
766. And he heard about the fart.Copy !req
767. - Oh, he did?
- Yeah.Copy !req
768. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?Copy !req
769. - No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
- It was not silent.Copy !req
770. Just kept going, and it made a sound.
It was embarrassing.Copy !req
771. It got louder.Copy !req
772. So listen, Bobby,
I'll get those keys made tomorrow...Copy !req
773. and then we'll start setting up times.
- Thank you.Copy !req
774. - Hi, Mom.
- Hi.Copy !req
775. - Okay, bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
776. - Always nice to see you.
- You too.Copy !req
777. Hey, guys.Copy !req
778. Looks like your
free ride's over, huh?Copy !req
779. Have fun living on the streets.Copy !req
780. Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys.
Bye, Mom.Copy !req
781. - Bye.
- See you, buddy.Copy !req
782. What was he doing here?Copy !req
783. We're putting the house
on the market.Copy !req
784. - Where are we moving?
- Is the house haunted?Copy !req
785. Nancy and I are retiring...Copy !req
786. and sailing around the world
on my boat.Copy !req
787. We are living the dream.Copy !req
788. Well, what about us?Copy !req
789. I'm sorry. Robert... We thought that...Copy !req
790. you should take responsibility
for your own lives.Copy !req
791. This is the exciting part:Copy !req
792. We're going to put enough
money in your accounts...Copy !req
793. for a security deposit
on an apartment.Copy !req
794. What's this all about?Copy !req
795. More than just money, we're gonna get
you another kind of support as well.Copy !req
796. You're both gonna see therapists.
Nancy thinks it'll help.Copy !req
797. - Guys, that's nonnegotiable.
- Hold on. We're not going on the boat...Copy !req
798. Derek's selling the house,
we have to go to therapy?Copy !req
799. - What the fuck happened?
- Hey!Copy !req
800. Look, I know this seems
really, really sudden...Copy !req
801. and just sort of unfair
and cruel and...Copy !req
802. - But it's nonnegotiable.
- But it's nonnegotiable.Copy !req
803. I got a bellyful
of white dog crap in me...Copy !req
804. and now you lay this shit on me?Copy !req
805. You're adults. It's time
you started acting like adults.Copy !req
806. - Mom.
- I'm not backing down, Brennan.Copy !req
807. Don't even try.Copy !req
808. I know it seems hard,
but it's the best thing for both of you.Copy !req
809. We do it because we love you.Copy !req
810. Dad, I'm doing this because
I love you: fuck you.Copy !req
811. - Anything else?
- No.Copy !req
812. Bon voyage! Have a great time!Copy !req
813. Hey, what's up, Derek?Copy !req
814. Yeah.Copy !req
815. - Know what?
- Look what I got.Copy !req
816. I'm sitting here thinking we finally got
a family together here...Copy !req
817. and now it's about to be taken away
because they think we're losers.Copy !req
818. - Because they don't understand us?
- Yeah.Copy !req
819. They don't get that this lifestyle
is a choice.Copy !req
820. And all they think about
is that stupid boat.Copy !req
821. I swear, I'm so pissed off
at my mom.Copy !req
822. As soon as she is of age,
I'm putting her in a home.Copy !req
823. We have got to get
Prestige Worldwide going.Copy !req
824. It's the thing that's
gonna save this family.Copy !req
825. I was thinking we should
have a investor presentation...Copy !req
826. like on The Apprentice.Copy !req
827. We gotta start
with some capital somewhere.Copy !req
828. Here's the thing, though:Copy !req
829. If we're gonna start
a huge multinational corporation...Copy !req
830. I have to hear you sing.Copy !req
831. Can't you just trust that
I'm a really, really good singer?Copy !req
832. Just one song, so I know
what your voice sounds like.Copy !req
833. Yeah, yeah. I'll just do it.Copy !req
834. No big deal. I'll just dive into it
and just start singing.Copy !req
835. Jesus, my heart is beating
so fast right now.Copy !req
836. Okay, just do it. Just do it.Copy !req
837. Just...Copy !req
838. You know, I don't know.Copy !req
839. I didn't sing too loud, because I don't
wanna wake up Robert and Nancy.Copy !req
840. My throat's sore. I've had
a sore throat for a month and a half.Copy !req
841. And this is not an acoustic
environment that's suitable...Copy !req
842. to request this from me.Copy !req
843. You gotta know,
I'm not just some guy.Copy !req
844. Brennan, that is
the voice of an angel.Copy !req
845. Brennan, I can't even make
eye contact with you right now.Copy !req
846. Your voice is like a combination
of Fergie and Jesus.Copy !req
847. Why can't you do that
in front of people?Copy !req
848. Are you messing with me right now?Copy !req
849. It's me, Dale.Copy !req
850. You're good.Copy !req
851. - I know.
- This is gonna sound weird...Copy !req
852. but for a second, I think
you took on the shape of a unicorn.Copy !req
853. I felt like I was hovering
above my own body...Copy !req
854. watching myself sing.Copy !req
855. Now, let's move on
to other business.Copy !req
856. First thing tomorrow, we gotta get
cracking on this investor presentation.Copy !req
857. And guess what else.
This just came to me.Copy !req
858. - We're making a music video.
- Yeah!Copy !req
859. What do we do about Derek
and the house?Copy !req
860. Don't worry about him.Copy !req
861. Oh, it's a great "nabe."Copy !req
862. Frank Gifford
used to live down the block.Copy !req
863. - The Giff?
- Yeah, the Giff. Right down the block.Copy !req
864. I'm getting
a really good feeling about this.Copy !req
865. I am so glad.Copy !req
866. You get us that 10-year
interest-only loan, we got a deal.Copy !req
867. Hey, fuckers!
Welcome to the neighborhood!Copy !req
868. - My name is Craig.
- The neighbor is a Nazi?Copy !req
869. You guys ever need fertilizer,
I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons.Copy !req
870. Hey, folks! How you doing?
You're gonna love this neighborhood.Copy !req
871. Every single house here recycles.Copy !req
872. - Okay, we're done here.
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
873. Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.Copy !req
874. Dale, I don't know how much
you know about therapy...Copy !req
875. but it usually starts by you
telling me something about yourself.Copy !req
876. I work at a college as a janitor...Copy !req
877. even though I'm smarter
than most of the people there.Copy !req
878. Sometimes I see an equation
written on a blackboard...Copy !req
879. like half an equation,
and I'll just figure it out.Copy !req
880. - Is this Good Will Hunting?
- No.Copy !req
881. It sounds a lot like the plot
of Good Will Hunting.Copy !req
882. Yeah. Anyway.
My best friend is Ben Affleck...Copy !req
883. So I thought we'd begin
talking about your parents' divorce.Copy !req
884. Okay.Copy !req
885. How old were you
when they got divorced?Copy !req
886. - Fifteen.
- That's a hard age.Copy !req
887. - Yes. Yeah.
- Do you wanna talk...Copy !req
888. about some of those feelings?
- I love you.Copy !req
889. - Obviously, you don't know me.
- I love you so much.Copy !req
890. Thank you. And I will take that
as a feeling that you have...Copy !req
891. of comfortability with me.Copy !req
892. It's more than comfortability.Copy !req
893. - I mean, I fucking love you.
- Okay. I th...Copy !req
894. I'm just thinking
about our life together.Copy !req
895. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.Copy !req
896. My penis is tingling right now.Copy !req
897. - That is so off-putting.
- You're not feeling this?Copy !req
898. In no way, shape or form do I feel
any feelings of intimacy towards you...Copy !req
899. in any way whatsoever.Copy !req
900. You got a really dope
front lawn here.Copy !req
901. You and your homeboys
can play on that.Copy !req
902. - You can just say "It looks good."
- Yeah.Copy !req
903. No, that's how I talk.Copy !req
904. Oh, you got a really fresh
entryway here. Pretty awesome.Copy !req
905. - show you the front of the house,
which is actual...Copy !req
906. Will you vultures please give us some
privacy? He just died last night.Copy !req
907. What is going on here?Copy !req
908. It was the asbestos in here,
that's what did it!Copy !req
909. I've seen too many dead bodies.Copy !req
910. - I can't be in here. I can't.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
911. - Not bad.
- Eat shit, Derek.Copy !req
912. - Awesome B-day party, broheisens.
- You the man, Derek.Copy !req
913. Okay, who's this from? TJ?Copy !req
914. Where are
the rest of my gifts, dude?Copy !req
915. Totally joking around, TJ.Copy !req
916. All right.Copy !req
917. Oh, yes! Yes! Callaway 3-wood.Copy !req
918. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
919. Yeah.Copy !req
920. - Bomb it down the fairway, bitches!
- That's right.Copy !req
921. Hi, my name is Jim.
Wanna suck my dick for money?Copy !req
922. - It's just me. Hi.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
923. What are you doing?
This is the men's bathroom.Copy !req
924. Happy anniversary.Copy !req
925. - It's our second date.
- What?Copy !req
926. Listen, I'm sick of being
all coy and bashful, Dale. Okay?Copy !req
927. - We're in the bathroom.
- This'll just take a minute.Copy !req
928. There's really little you can
do about it. Let me just hop on.Copy !req
929. It's all slippery.Copy !req
930. Oh, my God!Copy !req
931. It's getting tingly.
Something's gonna happen, Alice!Copy !req
932. Oh, we just had sex.Copy !req
933. - Just the way I imagined it.
- I like you.Copy !req
934. I love you.Copy !req
935. - Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee.
- Okay.Copy !req
936. Oh, my God.Copy !req
937. You're incredible.Copy !req
938. Say hello to my little friend.Copy !req
939. - Just kidding. It's from Scarface.
- Scarface.Copy !req
940. Shut the fuck up!Copy !req
941. - Sweet-ass gift, Teej.
- Yeah, not bad.Copy !req
942. - I got it all mapped out.
- Okay.Copy !req
943. - I'm following your lead, though.
- I'll get all eyes on us.Copy !req
944. - Okay.
- Just like we planned.Copy !req
945. And then we'll drop the hammer.Copy !req
946. Everyone, if I could have
your attention, please.Copy !req
947. For those of you
who don't know me...Copy !req
948. my name's Dale Doback.
- Check. Check.Copy !req
949. Probably wondering
why we gathered you here tonight...Copy !req
950. besides Derek's birthday.Copy !req
951. We got a special surprise for you,
Derek, and everybody here...Copy !req
952. - Check, check.
- Check.Copy !req
953. - Dale. No, please.
- Don't interrupt them.Copy !req
954. - I'm begging you.
- You wanna shut this down?Copy !req
955. - Just hold on.
- Derek, for your birthday...Copy !req
956. we thought we'd roll out...Copy !req
957. a once-in-a-lifetime
business opportunity.Copy !req
958. Happy birthday, Derek.Copy !req
959. Music.Copy !req
960. Prestige Worldwide,
wide, wide, wide.Copy !req
961. Prestige Worldwide.Copy !req
962. - The first word in entertainment.
- First word.Copy !req
963. - Management.
- Financial portfolios.Copy !req
964. - Insurance.
- Computers.Copy !req
965. - Black leather gloves.
- Research and development.Copy !req
966. Putting in the man-hours to study
the science of what you need.Copy !req
967. Last week we put Liquid Paper
on a bee...Copy !req
968. and it died.Copy !req
969. - Security.
- Security.Copy !req
970. - And...
- And.Copy !req
971. - Possibly you.
- Possibly you.Copy !req
972. - Oh, this is classic. This is...
- We'd like to present...Copy !req
973. the world premiere of Prestige
Worldwide's first music video...Copy !req
974. by our first act, Huff and Doback.Copy !req
975. - Roll it.
- Roll it.Copy !req
976. Pay close attention, Dad.
It's gonna look familiar.Copy !req
977. - This is... This is perfect.
- Is that my boat?Copy !req
978. Yes, it is.Copy !req
979. What are you doing on my boat?Copy !req
980. The Niña, the Pinta
The Santa MaríaCopy !req
981. I'll do you in the bottom
While you're drinking sangriaCopy !req
982. Nachos and Lemonheads
On my dad's boatCopy !req
983. You won't go down
'Cause my dick can floatCopy !req
984. We sail around the world
And go port to portCopy !req
985. Every time I come
I produce a quartCopy !req
986. That is offensive. Brennan, Dale.Copy !req
987. I gotta have me my boats and ho'sCopy !req
988. Deadliest Catch without the crabsCopy !req
989. We're almost out of gas
Call the ArabsCopy !req
990. Pull up the anchor
'Cause we're leaving dry landCopy !req
991. Get below deck
With a dick in your handCopy !req
992. Boats and ho's
Boats and ho'sCopy !req
993. I gotta have me my boats and ho'sCopy !req
994. Are you ready for some
world-class vocalization?Copy !req
995. - Get a partner.
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
996. - Who's steering the boat?
- Dad, please shut up.Copy !req
997. Please shut up!Copy !req
998. Yeah!Copy !req
999. So...Copy !req
1000. big question is:Copy !req
1001. Aside from the damage to the boat,
which we will fix...Copy !req
1002. what'd you think
of the presentation?Copy !req
1003. Brennan, I think that what you did
to Robert's boat was horrid.Copy !req
1004. Having said that,
I think that both of you boys...Copy !req
1005. showed a lot of enthusiasm
and inventiveness.Copy !req
1006. Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
1007. You gotta be kidding me.Copy !req
1008. They destroyed our dream
and you're calling it inventive.Copy !req
1009. - No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.
- Yes, you did.Copy !req
1010. Come on, you did.Copy !req
1011. It's gonna be four years, at least,
before we can sail anywhere.Copy !req
1012. - And you could care less, admit it.
- I will not admit that...Copy !req
1013. because it is not true.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1014. But, you know,
I do think that you could show...Copy !req
1015. a little bit more attentiveness
to your son and your stepson...Copy !req
1016. who obviously need you.Copy !req
1017. It's true, Dr. Doback.Copy !req
1018. You've been very cold
and unsupportive of our dreams.Copy !req
1019. You wrecked my fucking boat,
you goon!Copy !req
1020. Don't speak to my son like that.Copy !req
1021. Your son's costing me $80,000.Copy !req
1022. We could bicker about this all night,
but what's done is done, Dad.Copy !req
1023. - Are you guys gonna invest or not?
- That's it! That's it!Copy !req
1024. - What are you doing?
- Grab the wheel!Copy !req
1025. I can't believe
you're being so stingy.Copy !req
1026. - Robert, come down.
- It's a simple business decision.Copy !req
1027. You jackaloons!Copy !req
1028. You're failures! Failures!Copy !req
1029. And you're embarrassing yourself,
you geriatric fuck!Copy !req
1030. - Brennan.
- Two things:Copy !req
1031. You keep your liver-spotted hands
off my beautiful mother.Copy !req
1032. She's a saint!Copy !req
1033. Then you sit down and you write Dale
and Brennan a check for $ 10,000.Copy !req
1034. Oh, stop it.Copy !req
1035. Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake
hearing devices so far up your ass...Copy !req
1036. - Brennan!
you can hear the sound...Copy !req
1037. of your small intestine
as it produces shit!Copy !req
1038. - All right, here we go.
- Oh, my Lord.Copy !req
1039. Somebody should've done this
a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.Copy !req
1040. - What are you doing?
- Robert.Copy !req
1041. There are consequences
for your actions.Copy !req
1042. - No! Robert!
- Dad!Copy !req
1043. - This is not the answer.
- You're next, mister.Copy !req
1044. - You understand me?
- Yes.Copy !req
1045. - Certain behaviors...
- Let go of me.Copy !req
1046. will not be tolerated!
- My ass is on fire!Copy !req
1047. Wow, the tree looks great, Nancy.
Really tasteful.Copy !req
1048. Thank you, Dale. That's a very nice
sweater you're wearing.Copy !req
1049. It was my mom's.
I took the shoulder pads out.Copy !req
1050. Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called...Copy !req
1051. and she said she can't go out
with you on New Year's Eve...Copy !req
1052. because she's not your girlfriend,
she's your therapist.Copy !req
1053. - Is that what she said?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1054. She's a rascal.Copy !req
1055. Hey, Dad, Nancy?Copy !req
1056. Would it be cool if Brennan and I
opened just one present each...Copy !req
1057. since it's Christmas Eve?Copy !req
1058. I'm gonna go down to the
Cheesecake Factory, have a drink.Copy !req
1059. But it's Christmas Eve.Copy !req
1060. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1061. - Yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1062. I had my eye on one.Copy !req
1063. I hope it's what I think it is.Copy !req
1064. Oh, my God. Hulk Hands!Copy !req
1065. Wait, Dale got Hulk Hands?Copy !req
1066. Well, you reek of Scotch
and cheesecake.Copy !req
1067. You know...Copy !req
1068. tonight at the Cheesecake Factory
was the happiest I've been in months.Copy !req
1069. - Well, then I feel very sorry for you.
- Well, just...Copy !req
1070. Nancy, I don't know if I can ever
forgive them for wrecking my boat.Copy !req
1071. - Why are you giving up?
- I'm not giving up. I'm not.Copy !req
1072. - You are. You're giving up on our boys.
- But they're 40.Copy !req
1073. I don't care how old they are.
They're still our children.Copy !req
1074. Well, sometime it's got to matter
how old they are.Copy !req
1075. That's all we do, is...
Oh, sweet Jesus.Copy !req
1076. Oh, it...
You know, they'll go back to bed.Copy !req
1077. See? They're sleepwalking.Copy !req
1078. No. No.Copy !req
1079. See, back to bed.Copy !req
1080. They'll be fine.Copy !req
1081. Just nonsense.
I'm gonna wake them up.Copy !req
1082. - No. Why would you do such a thing?
- Well, because it's...Copy !req
1083. - Never, ever wake up a sleepwalker.
- See, that's it.Copy !req
1084. - We can't ever do anything.
- No.Copy !req
1085. But they could do real harm
to themselves or others.Copy !req
1086. - Oh, the Christmas presents.
- No, guys... No, no, don't...Copy !req
1087. - No. But...
- I think we should take control.Copy !req
1088. - It's always about them.
- How do you propose to do that?Copy !req
1089. - Oh, Jesus.
- Whatever you do, don't wake them.Copy !req
1090. They might do real harm
to themselves or others.Copy !req
1091. - Not everybody does know that.
- Oh, the Christmas tree!Copy !req
1092. Oh, not the... No, don't...
All right, that's it!Copy !req
1093. - I'm waking them up!
- No! No!Copy !req
1094. - Don't wake them up!
- That's a myth!Copy !req
1095. - Wake up, both of you.
- Don't.Copy !req
1096. I told you! I told you!Copy !req
1097. Stop it! Don't hurt him!Copy !req
1098. The pictures! Nancy!Copy !req
1099. Robert!Copy !req
1100. So I put my lips
around that breathalyzer...Copy !req
1101. and I saw those numerals pop up:Copy !req
1102. 0.079.Copy !req
1103. So I started going to Chad
Michael Murray's Christmas party.Copy !req
1104. I think that was the year.
And just driving...Copy !req
1105. I have to interrupt you. Robert, while
the children are in the living room...Copy !req
1106. I think this would be a good time
to make our announcement.Copy !req
1107. - What's going on?
- It's over.Copy !req
1108. I'm gonna be moving in
with my friend Jack Handle...Copy !req
1109. and Nancy found a townhouse
in the city.Copy !req
1110. What is this? What's happening?Copy !req
1111. What Robert is trying to say
is that we are getting a divorce.Copy !req
1112. - Don't do this.
- No. No!Copy !req
1113. - I could've called this one.
- No.Copy !req
1114. - Yeah.
- Is it our fault?Copy !req
1115. - Is it because we were bad?
- No. No.Copy !req
1116. The main thing that
Robert and I talked about...Copy !req
1117. is that we did not want you two
to blame yourselves.Copy !req
1118. - What can we do to fix it?
- Dale, honey, are you okay?Copy !req
1119. - Why are you calling him "honey"?
- I cannot stress this enough:Copy !req
1120. - It is not your fault.
- Whose fault is it?Copy !req
1121. - Fuck it, I wanna fucking know!
- Let's cut the shit.Copy !req
1122. - It is directly your fault.
- Robert.Copy !req
1123. You destroyed my boat.Copy !req
1124. You beat me up in your sleep...Copy !req
1125. and worst of all, you made
Nancy and I resent each other.Copy !req
1126. - It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!
- Of course it's their fault.Copy !req
1127. They're the world's biggest dickheads,
and they're living in your house.Copy !req
1128. - Shut up, Derek.
- I'm sorry, but that...Copy !req
1129. Please don't cry like that.
Please don't, Brennan.Copy !req
1130. - Mommy!
- Dale!Copy !req
1131. I told you that they would feel
completely to blame.Copy !req
1132. - Oh, let's grow up.
- I think I'm going to throw up.Copy !req
1133. - I think I'm gonna throw up...
- Don't throw up.Copy !req
1134. all the nice dinner that I had.
I'm gonna throw it up.Copy !req
1135. - You're not gonna throw up.
- He's gonna throw up.Copy !req
1136. - Come on.
- My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.Copy !req
1137. - Hey, guys. Guys.
- This is not nice!Copy !req
1138. - All right, dipshits. Right here.
- Stop it, Derek.Copy !req
1139. - One, two, three...
- I don't want my picture taken now.Copy !req
1140. Good luck, and remember, I need you
out of this house by tomorrow.Copy !req
1141. No exceptions.Copy !req
1142. If there's anything you need,
anything that you boys need...Copy !req
1143. you just give me a call. Okay?
It's all right.Copy !req
1144. Hey. Are you awake?Copy !req
1145. Yeah.Copy !req
1146. I can't believe we actually
have to move out of this house.Copy !req
1147. I know. I feel bad.Copy !req
1148. Hey, you know,
we don't have to whisper anymore.Copy !req
1149. Mom and Dad aren't here.Copy !req
1150. Yeah, but can we keep
doing it, though?Copy !req
1151. It helps me pretend that they are.Copy !req
1152. You must feel just terrible.Copy !req
1153. - I mean, I know I feel bad.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1154. But I can't imagine how you feel...Copy !req
1155. after my dad looked
right at you and said...Copy !req
1156. it's all your fault
that they broke up.Copy !req
1157. That's funny, because my mom said:Copy !req
1158. "If that curly-headed fuck Dale
wasn't here...Copy !req
1159. everything would be perfect."Copy !req
1160. - You take that back.
- No way. It's your fault.Copy !req
1161. You know what your problem is?Copy !req
1162. You live in a fantasy land.
You refuse to get a job...Copy !req
1163. and you don't know what it's like
to work for something.Copy !req
1164. You don't take responsibility for
your actions. This is all your fault!Copy !req
1165. Well, you're a mama's boy
who's too chicken to sing in public!Copy !req
1166. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
1167. Run away, little boy,
because you know it's true.Copy !req
1168. Just avoid everything.Copy !req
1169. What are you doing?Copy !req
1170. - Dale broke up Mom and Dad
- Motherfucker!Copy !req
1171. Dale broke up Mom and Dad
Dale broke up Mom and DadCopy !req
1172. - Dale broke up Mom and...
- Brennan!Copy !req
1173. Get up, Brennan,
I know you're faking. Get up!Copy !req
1174. Get up!Copy !req
1175. Brennan?Copy !req
1176. It's just like Cold Case Files.
It's just like Cold Case Files.Copy !req
1177. It's just like Cold Case Files.Copy !req
1178. People die every day.Copy !req
1179. Give him a proper burial
in an unmarked grave...Copy !req
1180. - Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my God.
- I know.Copy !req
1181. I'm alive.Copy !req
1182. - You were dead. I saw you die!
- I was faking.Copy !req
1183. I used ninja focus
to slow my heart rate down.Copy !req
1184. - What are you doing?
- I'm burying you.Copy !req
1185. - I'm alive. Brennan, I'm alive.
- You're waking the neighbors!Copy !req
1186. - Shut up!
- No. No.Copy !req
1187. - Now I'm gonna play your drum set.
- Help me.Copy !req
1188. Close your eyes.
Let the dirt just shower over you.Copy !req
1189. This is your fault.Copy !req
1190. Oh, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna sleep good tonight.Copy !req
1191. - Don't you touch my drums!
- Zombie!Copy !req
1192. Zombie! Zombie!Copy !req
1193. Get off me, zombie.Copy !req
1194. Get off.Copy !req
1195. I'm late for school.Copy !req
1196. I will kiss you right on the mouth,
Kenny Rogers.Copy !req
1197. - Just get off me.
- Hey.Copy !req
1198. So I guess it's really over.Copy !req
1199. I'd say you trying to bury me alive
pretty much did it.Copy !req
1200. You know what I just realized?Copy !req
1201. You've been the one
dragging me down.Copy !req
1202. Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna
get a job and an apartment...Copy !req
1203. and then I'm gonna get Mom
and Dr. Doback back together.Copy !req
1204. I'm gonna be the hero,
and you can suck on it.Copy !req
1205. My life was perfect
before you came here.Copy !req
1206. Me and my dad had a perfect setup,
and you wrecked it.Copy !req
1207. Hey.Copy !req
1208. We're no longer brothers.Copy !req
1209. We never were.
We were stepbrothers.Copy !req
1210. - That was one of your best.
- These balls fucking suck.Copy !req
1211. All right.Copy !req
1212. Well, well, well,
look who's here, boys.Copy !req
1213. Can you give me a job, please?Copy !req
1214. TJ, get an office pool going.Copy !req
1215. Give Ken-Doll Crotch here
two weeks, tops.Copy !req
1216. Dr. Angel Face,
I just wanted to say thank you...Copy !req
1217. for meeting me
on such short notice.Copy !req
1218. - Don't call me Angel Face.
- I apologize.Copy !req
1219. I'm very alone right now, and the thing
I wanna ask you to help me...Copy !req
1220. To show me how I can be
a grown-up.Copy !req
1221. Do I carry my
high-school diploma around?Copy !req
1222. What do you do with your hair?Copy !req
1223. What happens if there's
inclement weather?Copy !req
1224. Where do you...?
What do you wear?Copy !req
1225. Can you wash clothes
in the dishwasher?Copy !req
1226. I notice that there's a long gap
in your job history...Copy !req
1227. and it said for 22 years...Copy !req
1228. you went Kerouac
on everyone's ass?Copy !req
1229. I'm gonna be honest with you.
I really need a job.Copy !req
1230. And I will take any position,
as long as it doesn't involve...Copy !req
1231. having sex with old ladies
for money or bear traps.Copy !req
1232. - Those are my two bugaboos.
- All right, got it.Copy !req
1233. There's a catering business,
there's a temp job open.Copy !req
1234. And you get to play with fire.Copy !req
1235. What do you want?
This is my online-poker time.Copy !req
1236. I'm ready to take on
the Catalina Wine Mixer.Copy !req
1237. Slow down there, Speed Racer.Copy !req
1238. I know what it entails,
and I'm ready to nail it.Copy !req
1239. I want it, okay?
I want the Catalina Wine Mixer.Copy !req
1240. - Yo, yo.
- Hey, D-man.Copy !req
1241. - You tell him what's up?
- I sure did.Copy !req
1242. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1243. Your brother wants a shot
at the Catalina Wine Mixer.Copy !req
1244. I'm ready, walking tall.Copy !req
1245. You're ready to run with the bulls?Copy !req
1246. I've been earning and burning,
snapping necks and cashing checks.Copy !req
1247. Screw it, let's let him do it.
It's a win-win for me...Copy !req
1248. because if you fuck up, Brennan...
- Yeah?Copy !req
1249. I get to fire your ass. But if you pull
it off, I look like a genius to the board.Copy !req
1250. - Okay?
- I get it.Copy !req
1251. Brennan, here's the thing.Copy !req
1252. It's the Catalina fucking
Wine Mixer, okay?Copy !req
1253. Are you saying "pow"?
What are you saying?Copy !req
1254. It's the biggest helicopter-leasing
event in the Western Hemisphere...Copy !req
1255. since 1997.Copy !req
1256. - Why does he keep doing that?
- I have to sell or lease...Copy !req
1257. at least 80 choppers
to make my nut.Copy !req
1258. And you mess with my nut, Brennan,
Randy here is gonna eat your dick.Copy !req
1259. Like Kobayashi.Copy !req
1260. I've seen him do it.Copy !req
1261. You've seen him eat a penis?Copy !req
1262. It was in international waters,
so they couldn't prosecute him.Copy !req
1263. I tell you now, I'll nail it.
I'll pull it off, okay?Copy !req
1264. Wait a second,
why do you want this so bad?Copy !req
1265. Trying to get Mom and Dad
back together or something?Copy !req
1266. - Why do I want this?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1267. Because I wanna make bank, bro.
I wanna get ass.Copy !req
1268. And I wanna drive a Range Rover.Copy !req
1269. Okay, well, you better, Brennan.Copy !req
1270. This is the fucking
Catalina Wine Mixer.Copy !req
1271. Nancy. Hi.Copy !req
1272. Hi. What are you doing here?Copy !req
1273. Well, Dale's working the function.Copy !req
1274. Guys, this is supposed to be jicama,
not bok choy.Copy !req
1275. Sorry, folks.Copy !req
1276. And I got an invitation from Brennan.Copy !req
1277. Can you believe
Brennan put all this together?Copy !req
1278. And now here we all are in Catalina.Copy !req
1279. - It's funny, huh?
- Yeah, it's funny.Copy !req
1280. - Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1281. Not bad. You're nailing it.Copy !req
1282. - Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1283. I don't know what it is...Copy !req
1284. but I wanna deliver one of these
right in your suck hole.Copy !req
1285. - Is there anything I can do?
- No. Not really. It's your face.Copy !req
1286. Again, you're doing great, man.
The Catalina Wine Mixer.Copy !req
1287. We're all having a great time,
having fun.Copy !req
1288. You pulled it off.
But if you don't change your face...Copy !req
1289. I'm gonna change it for you.
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
1290. All I can do is take that in,
consider it...Copy !req
1291. and I'll just do my best version
of whatever I think that would be.Copy !req
1292. I don't even hear you,
your face is driving me nuts.Copy !req
1293. - Thanks again, though.
- Oh, tits. Hold on.Copy !req
1294. - Hey. Hello, Catalina Wine Mixer.
- Hi.Copy !req
1295. How are you? We are Uptown Girl.Copy !req
1296. We are California's preeminent
1980s Billy Joel cover band.Copy !req
1297. "Piano Man"!Copy !req
1298. What did I just say, man?Copy !req
1299. All right, we don't play that...Copy !req
1300. so let's keep it in the '80s
and let's keep it fun.Copy !req
1301. You having a good time?Copy !req
1302. I hope you are,
because sometimes life can be tough.Copy !req
1303. And I know that sometimes
it's hard to "Keeping the Faith."Copy !req
1304. You guys seem to be hitting it off.Copy !req
1305. Oh, honey.Copy !req
1306. Oh, my God,
this is the greatest party.Copy !req
1307. - Hello, Robert.
- Way to go.Copy !req
1308. - Brennan, this is fantastic.
- Way to go.Copy !req
1309. So impressed.Copy !req
1310. - Hi, Dad. Hi, Nancy.
- Hi, Dale.Copy !req
1311. - Hey, Brennan.
- It's good to see you.Copy !req
1312. Thanks for hiring
our catering company.Copy !req
1313. Easy decision. You guys have
a outstanding track record.Copy !req
1314. - Just like old times, huh?
- Right, it really is.Copy !req
1315. You still have your
night-vision goggles?Copy !req
1316. No, no. No, I had to sell those
to pay for car insurance.Copy !req
1317. How about you?
You still breaking boards...Copy !req
1318. or kicking holes in pumpkins
or anything?Copy !req
1319. No.Copy !req
1320. But I did start taking baby aspirin
to reduce my risk for heart attack.Copy !req
1321. That makes sense.
Gotta keep an eye on it, you know.Copy !req
1322. - Knock off the sweets.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1323. It's a truly funny observation.Copy !req
1324. Yeah.Copy !req
1325. Dale, the empanadas
are starting to sweat.Copy !req
1326. Okay. I better run.Copy !req
1327. - It's good to see you, Brennan.
- You too.Copy !req
1328. - Take care, be well. Take care, Dad.
- Okay, buddy.Copy !req
1329. - It's great to talk to him.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1330. I gotta go too.Copy !req
1331. We should do this again.
I think it was very constructive.Copy !req
1332. - Maybe grab a bite to eat?
- Sure.Copy !req
1333. - Go to Outback Steakhouse.
- Okay.Copy !req
1334. I've grown very fond of that place.Copy !req
1335. Thank you for coming.Copy !req
1336. Great to see you.Copy !req
1337. It was very nice to see you, Robert.Copy !req
1338. I think Brennan organized this
whole thing to get us back together.Copy !req
1339. You have to excuse me.
I think that I just might cry.Copy !req
1340. It's the funniest thing. Bye-bye.Copy !req
1341. "Start the Fire," buddy!Copy !req
1342. Come on, man. Play something
from The Stranger!Copy !req
1343. We strictly do '80s Joel music, sir.Copy !req
1344. '80s Billy Joel doo-wop sucks!Copy !req
1345. Hey, listen, motherfucker,
we only sing '80s Joel!Copy !req
1346. So take your skank hooker wife
and get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
1347. Shit.Copy !req
1348. - What's wrong?
- All right. "What's wrong?"Copy !req
1349. Get him out of here.
Get his ass out of here!Copy !req
1350. Hey.Copy !req
1351. Hey, great job, fuck face. You just
busted my nut. This party's shot.Copy !req
1352. Just relax. I didn't realize
he would say these things.Copy !req
1353. You know what?
You cost me money.Copy !req
1354. So this isn't even
a judgment call, man.Copy !req
1355. - You're Audi 5000, my friend.
- Derek, can't we talk about this?Copy !req
1356. No.Copy !req
1357. - Hey.
- Shit.Copy !req
1358. - Is everything okay?
- No. He just fired me.Copy !req
1359. What happened to the music?Copy !req
1360. The band left. The guy freaked out.Copy !req
1361. Derek fired me.Copy !req
1362. - It's no big deal.
- Robert, you don't get it.Copy !req
1363. It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!Copy !req
1364. People have killed
to be in the position I'm in.Copy !req
1365. - He's right. It's a big deal.
- Here's a thought:Copy !req
1366. I see an empty stage.Copy !req
1367. I see drums, I see a drummer.Copy !req
1368. I see a microphone,
and I see a singer.Copy !req
1369. - Dad, come on.
- What?Copy !req
1370. - We gave that stuff up.
- We don't do that.Copy !req
1371. Listen to me.
Dale, look, when I was a kid...Copy !req
1372. when I was a little boy,
I always wanted to be a dinosaur.Copy !req
1373. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex
more than anything.Copy !req
1374. I made my arms short
and I roamed the backyard...Copy !req
1375. and I chased the neighborhood cats,
and I growled and I roared.Copy !req
1376. Everybody knew me
and was afraid of me.Copy !req
1377. And then one day, my dad said:Copy !req
1378. "Bobby, you're 17. It's time
to throw childish things aside."Copy !req
1379. And I said, "Okay, Pop."Copy !req
1380. But he didn't really say that, he said,
"Stop being a dinosaur and get a job."Copy !req
1381. But, you know, I thought to myself,
"I'll go to medical school...Copy !req
1382. I'll practice for a little while,
and then I'll come back to it."Copy !req
1383. - Dad...
- How is that a skill?Copy !req
1384. But I forgot how to do it.Copy !req
1385. You're human.Copy !req
1386. - You could never be a dinosaur.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1387. Hey, I lost it.Copy !req
1388. - Dad, what's the point?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1389. The point is
don't lose your dinosaur.Copy !req
1390. Yeah. You know, I hated
the way you guys were before.Copy !req
1391. I mean, I hated you.Copy !req
1392. But it just kills me to see you
so crushed and normal.Copy !req
1393. Listen to me, don't listen to me...Copy !req
1394. Prestige Worldwide,
that's what you gotta do.Copy !req
1395. - You're saying we should go for it.
- That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
1396. What do you think, Brennan?Copy !req
1397. I'm so scared right now.
I'm gonna do what's sensible:Copy !req
1398. I'm gonna file for unemployment...Copy !req
1399. and I'm gonna try to get a job
at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.Copy !req
1400. Because they got
a excellent corporate structure...Copy !req
1401. and they give you the tools
to be your own boss.Copy !req
1402. My dad's right.Copy !req
1403. This isn't me.Copy !req
1404. I'm fucking miserable.
I had to get up at 10:00 this morning.Copy !req
1405. And even though
I just got a tidal wave of nerves...Copy !req
1406. I'm going up on that stage...Copy !req
1407. and I'm gonna make beautiful music
for a sad world.Copy !req
1408. - Dale...
- That's the boy I know.Copy !req
1409. This crowd's gonna eat him alive.Copy !req
1410. Wait, what's he doing up there?Copy !req
1411. Somebody get him
off the fucking stage!Copy !req
1412. Hi. How you doing?Copy !req
1413. My name's Dale Doback,
and I hope you like to kick it.Copy !req
1414. Oh, go get them, Dale!Copy !req
1415. Boats and ho'sCopy !req
1416. Get off the stage, you dick!Copy !req
1417. Stop yelling at him.Copy !req
1418. - Terrible!
- Terrible.Copy !req
1419. He's a human being.Copy !req
1420. Dale has a mangina
Dale has a manginaCopy !req
1421. No.Copy !req
1422. Gotta have me my boats and ho'sCopy !req
1423. He's up there alone, Brennan.
He's up there alone.Copy !req
1424. Gotta have me my boats and ho'sCopy !req
1425. - You suck!
- What are you doing, Brennan?Copy !req
1426. Gotta have me my...Copy !req
1427. Brennan, no!Copy !req
1428. - What did you do?
- Oh, Jesus, Nancy.Copy !req
1429. I couldn't stand to see him like that.
I miss my son.Copy !req
1430. All right. Let me go for a few bars.
Come in soft, but then finish strong.Copy !req
1431. - Okay. Hey, Brennan?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1432. - Thanks for coming up.
- You got it, Dragon.Copy !req
1433. We got a little change coming up.Copy !req
1434. It's my main man Brennan.Copy !req
1435. Boats and ho'sCopy !req
1436. Boats and ho'sCopy !req
1437. - You did it, Derek.
- I made a kite fly.Copy !req
1438. Brennan, you're the best
big brother ever!Copy !req
1439. - floor mats. The ones that match
the seats, and I kind of wanted...Copy !req
1440. I traveled 500 miles
to give you my seed.Copy !req
1441. Lumberjack!Copy !req
1442. Rock the fuck
out of those drums, Dale!Copy !req
1443. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1444. - We're Prestige Worldwide!
- Prestige Worldwide!Copy !req
1445. - Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
- It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.Copy !req
1446. It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.Copy !req
1447. Brennan, that was sublime.Copy !req
1448. Amazing.
We are so proud of you both.Copy !req
1449. - Thank you.
- Incredible.Copy !req
1450. - Thank you so much.
- Hey.Copy !req
1451. So I made my quota.
Yeah, we sold a shit-ton of copters.Copy !req
1452. - That's so good.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1453. Look, I'm not great at
this Hallmark stuff...Copy !req
1454. but, Brennan,
when I look at you now...Copy !req
1455. I don't wanna kick you
in the head quite as much.Copy !req
1456. Thanks, man.Copy !req
1457. - That was beautiful.
- That was nice.Copy !req
1458. Yeah.Copy !req
1459. - What do we do now?
- We could hug.Copy !req
1460. Yeah, you'd like that, faggot.
Sorry. I'm...Copy !req
1461. Okay.Copy !req
1462. - It's okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
1463. - That's what we've been looking for.
- That's the ticket.Copy !req
1464. It's fantastic.Copy !req
1465. We've never done anything like that,
so you can't expect it to be perfect.Copy !req
1466. It was good.Copy !req
1467. - Felt good.
- Gotten close to a hug.Copy !req
1468. - Hello, Brennan. Hi.
- Denise. Hey.Copy !req
1469. Robert, Mom, Derek,
this is my girlfriend, Denise.Copy !req
1470. - Hi. How are you?
- Actually, I'm his therapist.Copy !req
1471. - We are in absolutely no way dating.
- Right.Copy !req
1472. Brennan told me he was going to
hurl his body off a helicopter...Copy !req
1473. into shark-infested waters...Copy !req
1474. so I had a legal obligation
to be here.Copy !req
1475. I get it.Copy !req
1476. Don't wanna appear too eager,
and that is a good strategy too.Copy !req
1477. You are an enabler.
You think you're helping...Copy !req
1478. but you're not.
- And you are a keeper.Copy !req
1479. What'd you think?Copy !req
1480. Brennan, I thought
you were incredibly brave.Copy !req
1481. And I mean that...Copy !req
1482. in strictly the most clinical
and professional sense possible...Copy !req
1483. with no emotional,
intimate, sexual...Copy !req
1484. or any other undertones
that you could possibly infer.Copy !req
1485. God, you're gonna make me cry.Copy !req
1486. What poem is that from?
Is that James Joyce?Copy !req
1487. Alice...Copy !req
1488. I like making sex with you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1489. I do. But you're also married.Copy !req
1490. It's over.Copy !req
1491. This is crazy. I'm a mother.Copy !req
1492. I have two children,
I have a husband, a beautiful home.Copy !req
1493. - I can't be fucking around with you.
- It was fun. It was fun, right?Copy !req
1494. - It was fun while it lasted.
- I'm glad. All right, well, good luck.Copy !req
1495. - No.
- Oh, my God, Dale!Copy !req
1496. - Please don't leave me.
- Oh, my God. Look at that whale.Copy !req
1497. Where?Copy !req
1498. Dale!Copy !req
1499. So I was with Seal...Copy !req
1500. and we were just taking a chopper
up to Everest base camp...Copy !req
1501. and the plot to my Sherpa...
- Derek. Derek.Copy !req
1502. - Sorry. Okay.
- Remember, we talked about this.Copy !req
1503. Dale, Brennan.
Tell me about the karaoke business.Copy !req
1504. Really great, Dad.
Yeah. We call it Karaoke 'n' Roll.Copy !req
1505. We got six bars, three restaurants,
and two more wanna sign up.Copy !req
1506. - So it's booming.
- Fantastic.Copy !req
1507. Most karaoke it's,
"Open to everyone.Copy !req
1508. - Hey, just get up and have fun."
- Not you guys.Copy !req
1509. If you can't sing, just sit down.
That's our motto.Copy !req
1510. - It's the big leagues.
- You guys are doing so great.Copy !req
1511. Guys, I have a little Christmas
surprise for Dale and Brennan.Copy !req
1512. - You wanna see it?
- Yes!Copy !req
1513. - You bet!
- Let's go look at it! Come on.Copy !req
1514. - Don't peek.
- I smell cookies.Copy !req
1515. Be patient. No, no. No, no.Copy !req
1516. - Just a piñata, isn't it?
- Be patient. Be patient.Copy !req
1517. - Be patient.
- Did you get me a tiger, Dad?Copy !req
1518. Okay, open your eyes.Copy !req
1519. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1520. Holy shit!Copy !req
1521. Dad, I can't believe
you put the boat in the tree!Copy !req
1522. This is amazing!Copy !req
1523. - It's The Gilded Lady. She lives!
- I can't believe it.Copy !req
1524. - How'd you get it up here?
- Oh, Robert, it's so great.Copy !req
1525. - Pirate hats!
- Pirate hats!Copy !req
1526. - Hustlers!
- Hustlers!Copy !req
1527. Dad, that was so thoughtful!Copy !req
1528. - Crossbows!
- Crossbows!Copy !req
1529. You guys finally came to your senses
and got us something cool.Copy !req
1530. You both know this is
completely fucked up, right?Copy !req
1531. - Yeah.
- Of course.Copy !req
1532. But Brennan sure can wear the shit
out of that pirate hat.Copy !req
1533. - Chewbacca masks!
- Chewbacca masks!Copy !req
1534. It's okay that mine's
not movie-quality.Copy !req
1535. But he's like, "No, because you drove
my car last week, so I can't get it."Copy !req
1536. So I'm like "You're gonna buy it for me
or I'm gonna sock you in the mouth."Copy !req
1537. Oh, shit.Copy !req
1538. Well, if it isn't Dale Doback
and his little butt buddy.Copy !req
1539. Sticks and stones
may break my bones...Copy !req
1540. but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly
in the balls, Gardocki!Copy !req
1541. Let's get them!Copy !req
1542. The cops'll be here soon.Copy !req
1543. I guess this is what it feels like
to be grown up.Copy !req
1544. Hey.Copy !req
1545. Can I ask you something?Copy !req
1546. Yeah, of course.Copy !req
1547. You know back when
you first moved in?Copy !req
1548. Yeah.Copy !req
1549. - Did you touch my drum set?
- No, I didn't.Copy !req
1550. No, really, I won't get mad.
I just wanna know.Copy !req
1551. No, I know.
You said you wouldn't get mad.Copy !req
1552. I'm saying I didn't do it.
I didn't do it, I never did it.Copy !req
1553. - Then I owe you an apology.
- No.Copy !req
1554. No, you don't, at all.
No.Copy !req
1555. Why wouldn't you take an apology
if you didn't do it?Copy !req
1556. Just because I'm cool.
It doesn't matter.Copy !req
1557. You got my passport.Copy !req
1558. I'm good.Copy !req
1559. Don't worry, not gonna be late.
Don't worry.Copy !req