1. Hey, Brennan.
Copy !req
2. Mom, I'm watching the thing
with the lady.
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3. I'm leaving. Okay?
I'll be home around 11.
Copy !req
4. - Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Brennan.
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5. Let's slowly get those hips up.
Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.
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6. Dale.
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7. Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.
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8. - You leave me money for pizza, Dad?
- Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.
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9. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.
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10. - But what if I want wings?
- You don't need wings.
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11. That's not enough, Dad!
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12. The RTI cochlear implant...
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13. is the state-of-the-art
implantable hearing device...
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14. due to its input processing of sound
via the speech processor.
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15. But the most exciting
new development...
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16. is the external processor...
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17. which fits directly over the ear...
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18. which eliminates the need to put
your face between those breasts.
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19. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost.
And this never happens to me.
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20. My name is Robert, and I play
racquetball. I collect coins.
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21. Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.
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22. I am Nancy Huff. I know
how to make tandoori chicken...
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23. I contribute to NPR
every single year...
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24. and I love the movies
of Rob Reiner.
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25. Pilates changed my life.
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26. I have a boat, and I wanna retire
and sail around the world.
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27. - I love the sea!
- And I drive a Mercedes...
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28. and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale,
who still lives at home.
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29. - What did you just say?
- I knew I shouldn't have told you that.
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30. I have a 39-year-old son
named Brennan...
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31. who still lives at home with me.
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32. I would like to thank all of you...
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33. for being here with us
on this fantastic, wonderful day.
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34. And I would like to raise my glass.
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35. Dale and I wanna welcome you
to our home with open arms.
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36. - Get a room, Dad.
- Oh, for chri... Dale!
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37. Well, as you all know, my youngest
son, Derek, couldn't be here...
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38. because of an important
fishing trip.
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39. But my other son, Brennan, was going
to be moving into his own place...
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40. but he was recently let go
from his job at PetSmart...
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41. so he is gonna be living with us.
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42. I wasn't fired from my job,
I was laid off!
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43. But you wouldn't
know the difference.
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44. I didn't want salmon!
I said it four times.
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45. This wedding is horseshit.
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46. Somebody's awfully quiet
back there.
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47. I'm not gonna call him Dad.
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48. Brennan, you're 39 years old.
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49. I would not expect you
to call him Dad.
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50. Well, I'm not going to, ever.
Even if there's a fire.
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51. Robert better not get in my face...
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52. because I'll drop
that motherfucker.
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53. Jesus, Brennan.
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54. I'm just saying, I think
you gotta think about your options.
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55. I know that you are
technically married now...
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56. but that does not mean
that they have to live here.
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57. Dale, I think it's time for a change
for both of us.
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58. Dad, we're men, okay?
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59. That means a few things.
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60. We like to shit with the door open.
We talk about pussy.
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61. We go on riverboat-gambling trips.
We make our own beef jerky.
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62. That's what we do.
And now that is all wrecked.
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63. We literally have never done
any of those things.
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64. Where did he go to medical school?
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65. He went to Northwestern
and Johns Hopkins.
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66. - Is that good enough for you?
- No, it's not.
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67. Well, Brennan, those are
very prestigious schools.
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68. I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
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69. You don't know anyone
named Johnny Hopkins.
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70. It was Johnny Hopkins
and Sloan Kettering...
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71. and they were
blazing that shit up every day.
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72. All right, here's a scenario
for you, Dad.
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73. Suppose Nancy sees me
coming out of the shower...
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74. and decides to come on to me.
I'm looking good.
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75. I've got a luscious V of hair...
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76. going from my chest pubes
down to my ball-fro.
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77. And she takes one look at me,
and she goes:
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78. "Oh, my God."
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79. "I've had the old bull,
now I want the young calf."
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80. - And she grabs me by the wiener.
- Shut the fuck up!
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81. - Come on, Brennan.
- I'm fine here.
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82. - There you are.
- Hi.
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83. Oh, you look so cute
in your moving clothes.
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84. - How was it?
- It was easy.
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85. The movers did everything.
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86. Where's Brennan?
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87. He's still in the car.
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88. It was kind of a rough drive.
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89. Hey, Robert,
what's all the commotion?
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90. - Hey, Don.
- Is that your wife, Nancy?
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91. - Right here, Don.
- Can I come over this afternoon...
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92. - and touch your face?
- Sure.
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93. Thanks. Good luck, guys.
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94. We'll see you, Don.
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95. Let's go, Cinnamon.
Heel, Cinnamon.
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96. Heel! Cinnamon!
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97. Cinnamon!
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98. Hi, Dale.
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99. Hey, Nancy. Could you make me
a grilled-cheese sandwich?
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100. - Sure.
- No.
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101. Dale just ate. He's testing you to see
how much he can get away with.
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102. - I see.
- I'm hungry.
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103. Look in your right hand.
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104. - I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't.
- No, no.
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105. No, no. He's fine.
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106. Hey.
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107. Hey.
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108. I'm Brennan.
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109. I'm Dale.
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110. But you have to call me Dragon.
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111. You have to call me Nighthawk.
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112. Brennan.
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113. Please don't do that.
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114. Now, that's enough ketchup.
Come on. Dale.
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115. - I like it.
- That's enough.
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116. Dale, I don't know if you...
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117. You might wanna try this.
I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...
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118. For me.
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119. that Brennan really likes
with his chicken nuggets.
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120. It's my fancy sauce.
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121. Well, when Brennan finishes,
I'll give you some of this, and it's...
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122. It's ketchup and mayonnaise
mixed together, so...
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123. It's so good.
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124. - I want some fancy sauce.
- Yeah.
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125. - I'm not done using it.
- Looks good.
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126. - Can I have fancy sauce?
- Of course. Of course.
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127. - I'm using it right now.
- Okay.
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128. - So let's just let him try some.
- You wanna try it, Dale?
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129. Yeah, I really would like some.
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130. Just one last spoonful.
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131. Hey, I think you've got
enough there, Brennan.
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132. - So here you go.
- Thanks.
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133. It's ketchup and mayonnaise.
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134. - I don't like it. It smells weird.
- Okay.
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135. - I'll try some.
- You want some?
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136. - Sure. Absolutely.
- Okay.
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137. You don't mind, do you, Brennan?
No. Okay.
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138. - Brennan...
- I'm not comfortable...
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139. It's okay. It's probably
not good on fish anyway.
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140. My dad's king of the castle, so if he
wants fancy sauce, he should...
Copy !req
141. - No, it's all right, Dale.
- He can make his own batch.
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142. So you know what?
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143. Today, when you were driving around,
Dale was telling me that he's really...
Copy !req
144. into kung fu, and I was telling him
that you're really into kung fu as well.
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145. I have a green belt.
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146. Read it and weep.
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147. I don't believe in belts.
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148. There should be no
ranking system for toughness.
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149. But one time I wrestled a giraffe
to the ground with my bare hands.
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150. That's not true, Dale.
Don't be ridiculous.
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151. So, Dale, what have you been
working on recently?
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152. Well...
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153. I manage a baseball team.
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154. - Little League?
- Fantasy league.
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155. Take a picture. It'll last longer.
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156. Why don't you stop
being so confrontational, Dale?
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157. I'm not the one staring at me.
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158. So, Brennan, how about you?
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159. I know you used to
work at PetSmart.
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160. - That's right, Mr. Doback.
- Call me Robert.
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161. - That's right, Robin.
- Robert.
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162. Robin.
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163. Actually, Brennan
is a really talented person.
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164. He's a very gifted singer.
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165. - I'm really, really good.
- How good?
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166. I've been called
the songbird of my generation...
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167. by people who've heard me.
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168. That good.
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169. The only trick is
is that Brennan's very...
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170. particular about
who he sings in front of, so...
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171. I'm his mom, for example,
I've only heard him sing twice.
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172. That's funny that you say that,
because I can sing too.
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173. In fact, I'll sing right now.
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174. If you wanna get down
On these hairy balls
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175. - Hey!
- Why don't you jump right in?
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176. It's a crotch party right up in here
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177. - Stop it!
- Why don't you lick on this big joint?
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178. Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!
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179. That's cute.
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180. I remember when I had my first beer.
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181. That's so funny,
the last time I heard that...
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182. I laughed so hard
I fell off my dinosaur.
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183. Stop right now. All right?
Let's just back off.
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184. All right. Brennan, it's okay.
It's okay.
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185. Hey, hey.
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186. - Great, Dale.
- He said a mean thing first.
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187. All right, just...
Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.
Copy !req
188. Okay, sleeping arrangements.
It's gonna be different...
Copy !req
189. but because Dale refuses
to give up his office drum set...
Copy !req
190. that means that, Brennan, you and
Dale are gonna have to share a room.
Copy !req
191. - But it's just temporary.
- Mom, we didn't talk about this.
Copy !req
192. Well, it's gonna be
an exciting adventure.
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193. You wanna show him the room, Dale?
Show him where he can put his stuff?
Copy !req
194. - That's nice, thank you.
- Good night, Nancy.
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195. Hey, listen, I like to have
a lot of fresh fruit around...
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196. and chocolate chips
in my pancakes. Okay?
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197. - Write it so you don't forget.
- Show him the room.
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198. She's Mom now, so...
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199. - Good night, Mom.
- Good night, Brennan.
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200. - Good night, Mr. Doback.
- Good night, Brennan.
Copy !req
201. So just a few basic rules
about the house.
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202. If there's any foods that you like...
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203. I suggest you put your name
on them, or they will be thrown out.
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204. By me.
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205. House was built in 1825
by General Custer.
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206. I wanna show you this room.
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207. Hold up.
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208. - You see this room?
- Yeah.
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209. Okay, here's the deal.
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210. This is my office
and my beat laboratory.
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211. Okay?
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212. And this is the one rule of the house:
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213. Don't ever, ever, ever...
Copy !req
214. touch my drum set.
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215. - You understand?
- Don't go in there and...
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216. - No touching!
- All right!
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217. There. I was at about six there.
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218. You don't wanna see me go to 10.
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219. Get your shit.
We're going to my room.
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220. Honey?
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221. I just found a chain of islands
that we can sail to after New Zealand.
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222. That's wonderful.
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223. You know,
I've been meaning to ask you...
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224. Why is it that Dale never left?
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225. Well, Dale has always
coasted off my accomplishments.
Copy !req
226. I mean, he left college
his junior year...
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227. because he said he wanted
to join the family business.
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228. - But you're a medical doctor.
- Believe me, I've told him that.
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229. But he just always says,
"It's all about who you know."
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230. I don't know where
he got this sense of entitlement.
Copy !req
231. Maybe it was his mother passing.
What about Brennan?
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232. From what you've told me...
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233. his younger brother Derek's
been quite successful.
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234. Well, certainly when his father
and I split, that was difficult for him.
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235. And this one time, when Brennan
was 17 and Derek was 14...
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236. and Brennan decided
to enter a talent show.
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237. He sang a song
from an old pirate musical.
Copy !req
238. But Derek got his football buddies
to replace the choir and sing:
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239. "Brennan has a mangina."
Copy !req
240. Brennan has a mangina
Brennan has a mangina
Copy !req
241. Finally, the audience and even some
of the nastier parents started singing:
Copy !req
242. "Brennan has a mangina."
Copy !req
243. And I have to admit, for a little while,
I sort of joined in as well.
Copy !req
244. From that day on,
Brennan never sang again.
Copy !req
245. Derek went on to win the contest
by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."
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246. - Oh, that's a great song.
- It is.
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247. - Hey, you awake?
- Yeah.
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248. I just want you to know I hate you.
So does my dad.
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249. Well, that's fine.
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250. Because guess what.
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251. I hate you too.
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252. And this house sucks ass.
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253. Well, the only reason
you're living here...
Copy !req
254. is because me and my dad decided
that your mom was really hot...
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255. and maybe we should just
both bang her.
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256. And we'll put up with the retard
in the meantime.
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257. - Who's the retard?
- You.
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258. - Hey, y'all don't say that.
- Shut up.
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259. You'll wake up my dad
and get me grounded.
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260. Just shut up.
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261. You and your mom are hillbillies.
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262. - This is a house of learned doctors.
- You're not a doctor.
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263. You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.
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264. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
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265. - I'm a curly-headed fuck?
- Yeah.
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266. You better not go to sleep.
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267. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna
punch you square in the face.
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268. I hope you stay still
when you sleep...
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269. because I'm putting a rat trap
between your legs.
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270. I'm gonna take a pillowcase
and fill it full of bars of soap...
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271. and beat the shit out of you.
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272. I want you out of my fucking house.
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273. No way, kemosabe.
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274. This is my house now.
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275. How do you like The Gilded Lady?
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276. I wish we could retire right now.
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277. Won't be long.
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278. Oh, God! It's cold!
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279. Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!
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280. Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!
Copy !req
281. - obviously you guys are hot.
- You know?
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282. Just revealed her cover.
I was like, "Wow, this is hot."
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283. A little girl-on-girl.
A little heaven, a little hell.
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284. - Hey.
- Hey.
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285. - Why you so sweaty?
- I was watching Cops.
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286. Not supposed to have
your feet on the couch.
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287. Hey, man.
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288. Did you touch my drum set?
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289. - Nope.
- It's just weird...
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290. because seems like someone
definitely touched my drum set.
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291. Yeah, that is weird.
Because I didn't touch them.
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292. - Hey! Did you touch my drum set?
- Hey, knock it off!
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293. I know you touched my drumstick,
because the left one has a chip in it.
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294. You fucking crazy, man?
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295. You sound insane, do you realize
that? You should be medicated.
Copy !req
296. Fuck you, Brennan.
I know you touched my drum set.
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297. I wanna hear that
dirty mouth admit it.
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298. You get out of my face,
or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.
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299. You swear on your mom's life
that you didn't touch it!
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300. I don't swear to shit!
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301. That's because you fucking
touched my drum set...
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302. because I know
Cops doesn't start till 4.
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303. - Where are you going?
- I'm going upstairs.
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304. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack
on your drum set. Okay?
Copy !req
305. Don't you do that.
I am warning you right now:
Copy !req
306. If you touch my drums, I will
stab you in the neck with a knife!
Copy !req
307. If you even go in the room,
I will go ape-shit, you hear me?
Copy !req
308. Don't wanna miss a spot.
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309. John Bonham's playing
"Moby Dick" for real!
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310. I swear to God. I swear to God! No!
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311. I warned you.
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312. There's one rule in the house,
and you broke it!
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313. I didn't touch your damn drum set!
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314. I'm pre-diabetic!
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315. You fucking fucker! I'm gonna
rub my balls on your mom's face!
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316. Come back here!
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317. I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!
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318. Your drum set's a whore!
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319. I teabagged your fucking drum set!
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320. Well, my drum set's a guy,
so that makes you gay, you fucker!
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321. I'll kill you!
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322. I think it's gonna go
generic soon, okay?
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323. - Line three.
- Oh, thanks, Miles.
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324. Yeah.
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325. Jules? Wait, what's wrong?
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326. - Back!
- You touched my drum set, you fucker!
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327. Stop it! Stop it!
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328. - Rape! Rape! Rape!
- Stop it! Stop! Stop.
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329. - Stay out of this, Nancy!
- Stop it, you guys.
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330. - Oh, my God, you're hurting him!
- No, Nancy!
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331. Cinnamon! Stop it!
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332. My mom is being eaten by a dog,
there's nothing I can do!
Copy !req
333. - No, a story has a...
- Excuse me.
Copy !req
334. Dr. Doback, the phone's for you.
I think it's urgent.
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335. Hello?
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336. Robert, they're like animals!
I can't stop them!
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337. Stop screaming. Please.
I'm on my way.
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338. There seems to be some
savage fight going on...
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339. between my son and stepson,
so I...
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340. Family issues, huh?
Copy !req
341. I don't believe in talking about
people's personal lives...
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342. behind their back.
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343. You know nobody likes you, right?
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344. Rape! Rape! Rape!
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345. What's going on?
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346. Robert! They won't... They won't...
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347. - Stop it! Stop it!
- Dale, what...?
Copy !req
348. - Stay out of it, Dad!
- Stop it!
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349. What the fucking fuck?
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350. Someone got some air. Snap.
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351. - I still hate you.
- Still hate you.
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352. Such power. It's raw power.
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353. What are you doing?
It's Shark Week.
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354. Okay, here's the deal:
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355. Number one, you will fix
the fucking drywall now.
Copy !req
356. Number two, you have one month to
find jobs or you're out on your asses.
Copy !req
357. I will arrange interviews for Monday,
and you will go!
Copy !req
358. Dad, why are you talking
to me like this? I'm your son.
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359. I'm not buying that crap anymore.
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360. Today I saw my own son
use a bicycle as a weapon.
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361. You yelled "rape"
at the top of your lungs.
Copy !req
362. Mom, I honestly thought
I was gonna be raped for a second.
Copy !req
363. He had the craziest look in his eyes.
Copy !req
364. And at one point he said,
"Let's get it on."
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365. That was about the fighting.
I'm so not a raper.
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366. I didn't touch your drum set, okay?
Copy !req
367. I witnessed with my eyes
your testicles touching my drum set.
Copy !req
368. All right, that's it! That's it!
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369. You two guys leave me no choice.
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370. No television for a week.
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371. - What?
- What?
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372. - We are so serious, guys.
- You're fucking high!
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373. Are you out of your mind?
Copy !req
374. This goes in Robert's wall safe
and it's gonna stay there.
Copy !req
375. - No!
- Okay.
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376. - This house is a fucking prison!
- On planet Bullshit!
Copy !req
377. In the galaxy of
This Sucks Camel Dicks!
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378. Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.
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379. - Hey.
- You can't catch me.
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380. I gotcha.
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381. I gotcha.
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382. Aunt Carol's on fire!
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383. I don't know where you learned it.
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384. - Well, there's lots more where that...
- My God.
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385. - Oh, no. What happened?
- What the...?
Copy !req
386. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
387. Maybe Dale left the back door open
and raccoons got in.
Copy !req
388. Nancy? Is this your purse
in the freezer?
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389. Yes. It's Brennan.
Copy !req
390. He sleepwalks and he always
puts my purse in the freezer.
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391. Dale sleepwalks too.
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392. - Are you kidding me?
- I'm not. Look in the oven.
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393. - What's in the...? Couch pillows?
- Couch pillows.
Copy !req
394. Yeah, Dale.
Copy !req
395. Come on.
Copy !req
396. - It's okay.
- It's really hard.
Copy !req
397. It's gonna be fine.
Copy !req
398. They're gonna get jobs,
they'll be gone in a month. A month.
Copy !req
399. Guys.
Copy !req
400. - Guys. Guys!
- I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.
Copy !req
401. The clown has no penis.
Copy !req
402. What kind of dreams
are you guys having?
Copy !req
403. Hey, it's 12:30.
Copy !req
404. Brennan, your brother's
coming today, so get up.
Copy !req
405. - Today?
- Yep.
Copy !req
406. - Shit.
- What's your problem?
Copy !req
407. My little brother's even
a bigger asshole than you are.
Copy !req
408. All right, let's really nail it this time.
Here we go.
Copy !req
409. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
Copy !req
410. All right, Tommy, you're the oldest.
I'm counting on you. Come on.
Copy !req
411. Nice vibrato, buddy.
All right, all right, Alice, let's go.
Copy !req
412. Flat. It's so flat.
Copy !req
413. I can't even... You don't even
look good while you're singing.
Copy !req
414. The worst thing I've ever heard.
Copy !req
415. This is $ 1200 a week for
voice lessons, and this is what I get?
Copy !req
416. Okay, I'm gonna save it
with this solo.
Copy !req
417. I'm Derek
Copy !req
418. And I can sing high like this
Copy !req
419. And I can sing high
Copy !req
420. Jesus!
Copy !req
421. We were so sad you guys
couldn't come to the wedding.
Copy !req
422. - But we completely understand.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
423. You were busy fishing
with Mark Cuban.
Copy !req
424. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, not just the Cubes...
Copy !req
425. but we had Chris Daughtry,
Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.
Copy !req
426. It was insane.
I mean, it was almost too much.
Copy !req
427. My God, that's impressive.
Copy !req
428. Yeah, we were down in the Gulf,
fishing bonito.
Copy !req
429. Robert, have you ever been down
to the Gulf on the bonito run?
Copy !req
430. Always wanted to.
I hear it's amazing.
Copy !req
431. - It is. It's gorgeous.
- Are bonito fish big?
Copy !req
432. What?
Copy !req
433. Don't interrupt
when he's telling a story.
Copy !req
434. - It's fine, Robert.
- I was asking about the story.
Copy !req
435. - What's this guy's deal?
- I don't know, son. It's okay.
Copy !req
436. Well, Dale, they are
what's called a trophy fish.
Copy !req
437. So, yeah, they're pretty big.
Copy !req
438. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
439. Anyway...
Copy !req
440. Oh, God, I'm sorry,
I forget where my story was going.
Copy !req
441. Damn it, Dale.
Copy !req
442. - No...
- Robert.
Copy !req
443. - What?
- What? I asked him.
Copy !req
444. No, he can join in, Robert.
It's really okay.
Copy !req
445. Well, I asked him twice
not to interrupt.
Copy !req
446. Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining
the story. And possibly the evening.
Copy !req
447. It's totally fine.
I have a lot more stories.
Copy !req
448. - Derek, that you do. That you do.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
449. - Guilty as charged with the stories.
- Oh, God, you're impressive.
Copy !req
450. Come on. I love talking to you.
Copy !req
451. From across the room,
I feel like we have a thing.
Copy !req
452. You and me, man. You're my
new stepdad. You're unbelievable.
Copy !req
453. - I never heard that laugh before.
- Dad, why are you acting so weird?
Copy !req
454. Oh, hey, by the way, guys,
where's my bro, Brennan?
Copy !req
455. You're right about your brother.
Total dick.
Copy !req
456. Told you.
Copy !req
457. You know what? I still hate you...
Copy !req
458. but you got a pretty awesome
collection of nudie mags.
Copy !req
459. Yeah, I got them
from the '70s, '80s and '90s.
Copy !req
460. It's like masturbating
in a time machine.
Copy !req
461. Anyway, so I figure by the summer
of 2010, we can probably set sail.
Copy !req
462. But I think about it
every day of my life.
Copy !req
463. Let me ask you this, Bob,
why wait two years?
Copy !req
464. - Well, I gotta make more money.
- Okay, look.
Copy !req
465. I hear you, believe me.
Copy !req
466. But what if I were to tell you
that I could sell this house...
Copy !req
467. for 30 percent above market?
Copy !req
468. - That'd be great. Could you do it?
- Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.
Copy !req
469. Look, I got my real-estate license
a few years back for shits and gigs.
Copy !req
470. I'd do it for four-fifths commish...
Copy !req
471. because you know what really
gets my dick hard?
Copy !req
472. Helping out my friends.
Copy !req
473. That'd be fantastic.
That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.
Copy !req
474. - No, it would be kick-ass, bro.
- Oh, man.
Copy !req
475. Right there.
Copy !req
476. What about Dale and Brennan?
Copy !req
477. Because they haven't
even gotten jobs yet.
Copy !req
478. God, change the record.
Copy !req
479. Sweet!
Copy !req
480. Robert. Don't talk to me like that
in front of my son.
Copy !req
481. Oh, come on. We're talking about
our dream, the boat. Come on.
Copy !req
482. Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it
all needs to be done in good time.
Copy !req
483. I'm just saying give it some thought,
okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.
Copy !req
484. Holy shit, triplets.
Copy !req
485. It's true, three's company.
Copy !req
486. - It shows tons of bush.
- Hey, hey, careful.
Copy !req
487. Careful with that. You're crinkling.
Copy !req
488. That's a collector's item.
It's worth a lot of money.
Copy !req
489. What's up, faggots?
Copy !req
490. What's up, man? What, you're not
gonna come down, say hi to me?
Copy !req
491. Hi, Derek.
Copy !req
492. Whoa, calm down, man.
I'm just joking.
Copy !req
493. You guys, I really like
your guys' setup up here.
Copy !req
494. What is your problem, man?
Copy !req
495. My problem? I don't know.
I don't have a problem, Dale.
Copy !req
496. Actually, I have the opposite
of a problem:
Copy !req
497. I made over 550 K last year.
How much did you make?
Copy !req
498. - It's not about money.
- No, it's not about money.
Copy !req
499. Well, for me,
it's a little bit about money...
Copy !req
500. and I made
that much money last year.
Copy !req
501. I am the VP of the biggest...
Copy !req
502. executive-helicopter-leasing
company on the Western Seaboard.
Copy !req
503. Okay? I haven't had a carb
since 2004.
Copy !req
504. Check these out. See these?
See these boys?
Copy !req
505. This is what I live with.
Copy !req
506. Every day I lather this up
with Kiehl's in the shower.
Copy !req
507. You wanna touch this shit?
You wanna touch these bad boys?
Copy !req
508. Sorry, not gonna happen.
Copy !req
509. Is there something you want?
Copy !req
510. I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.
Copy !req
511. I told her it'd count as her
Christmas present, so...
Copy !req
512. No. I'm never gonna work for you.
Copy !req
513. Fine. I don't care.
Copy !req
514. The truth is I just smoked a J
out in my car a few minutes ago...
Copy !req
515. so feeling a little spacy.
Copy !req
516. Know what I'm say...?
What's up with you, man?
Copy !req
517. What you looking at, kemosabe?
Copy !req
518. You...
Copy !req
519. You wanna punch me right now.
Copy !req
520. You wanna punch me right now,
but you won't.
Copy !req
521. You wanna punch me too?
Copy !req
522. You guys both look like you might
wanna hit me in the face.
Copy !req
523. You do, I can tell.
Well, why don't you do it?
Copy !req
524. Why don't you punch me
in the face?
Copy !req
525. Punch me in the fucking face!
Copy !req
526. - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my shoulder!
Copy !req
527. That was awesome.
Copy !req
528. Mom! Mom!
Copy !req
529. Derek, know what's always good
for shoulder pain?
Copy !req
530. - What?
- If you lick my butthole.
Copy !req
531. Snap!
Copy !req
532. - Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby.
- Sure.
Copy !req
533. Aside from that retard trying to punch
me, it was a pretty good evening.
Copy !req
534. - It was our pleasure, son.
- Why are you calling him that?
Copy !req
535. Oh, don't, don't.
Copy !req
536. Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock
you recommended, Tommy.
Copy !req
537. Excuse me.
Copy !req
538. - Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife.
- Hi.
Copy !req
539. Is it true you struck Derek in the face
and he fell from the tree house?
Copy !req
540. Yeah. He asked me to.
Copy !req
541. Oh, that's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.
Copy !req
542. I want you to know that tonight...
Copy !req
543. I am gonna pleasure myself to
the image of you doing that to Derek.
Copy !req
544. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
545. Masturbate.
Copy !req
546. I am.
Copy !req
547. Oh, Dale.
Copy !req
548. You are something.
Copy !req
549. You are something.
Copy !req
550. You're something too.
Copy !req
551. I wanna roll you into a little ball
and shove you up my vagina.
Copy !req
552. You could just live there.
It's warm and it's cozy.
Copy !req
553. In your vagina?
Copy !req
554. I wanna walk around with you
in there and just know that...
Copy !req
555. whenever I feel a little tickle
or scratch...
Copy !req
556. that it's just your hair
up my vagina.
Copy !req
557. Please, just do it for me.
Copy !req
558. What's happening?
Copy !req
559. Kiss me.
Copy !req
560. I know. I know. It's too much.
Copy !req
561. It's too much.
Copy !req
562. I hate my life, Dale.
Copy !req
563. Dale, I hate my life!
I have nobody to talk to.
Copy !req
564. - Well, you seemed okay at the Di...
- Please.
Copy !req
565. Alice! Honey, come on!
Copy !req
566. Dane Cook, pay-per-view,
20 minutes. Let's go!
Copy !req
567. Coming, honey!
I'm just talking to Dale.
Copy !req
568. This is so stupid.
Copy !req
569. Call me.
Copy !req
570. - I love you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
571. - Hey. What'd she want?
- What?
Copy !req
572. Nothing. Who's...? Who?
Copy !req
573. Alice.
Copy !req
574. We were just talking. Not...
It was not about sex or anything.
Copy !req
575. I can't believe you hit Derek.
Copy !req
576. I know. Did you see
the expression on his face?
Copy !req
577. - That was cool.
- Listen.
Copy !req
578. I know that we started out as foe.
Copy !req
579. But after that courageous act...
Copy !req
580. that you showed me
against the one they call Derek...
Copy !req
581. maybe someday
we could become friends.
Copy !req
582. Friends who ride majestic,
translucent steeds...
Copy !req
583. shooting flaming arrows
across the Bridge of Hemdale.
Copy !req
584. I would follow you into the mists
of Avalon, if that's what you mean.
Copy !req
585. Do you wanna see something cool
that only three people have seen?
Copy !req
586. Okay, open your eyes.
Copy !req
587. See that black smudge
right there on the blade?
Copy !req
588. - Yeah.
- Look at it closely.
Copy !req
589. - Pretty recognizable signature.
- No.
Copy !req
590. Randy Jackson from American Idol.
Copy !req
591. Why do you have Randy Jackson's
autograph on a martial-arts weapon?
Copy !req
592. I bumped into him
and all I had was this sword...
Copy !req
593. and you're not gonna not get
Randy Jackson's autograph.
Copy !req
594. I would've done
the exact same thing.
Copy !req
595. Now, do you wanna see
something really cool?
Copy !req
596. - Of course.
- Turn off the lights.
Copy !req
597. Industrial-strength
night-vision goggles.
Copy !req
598. Holy Santa Claus shit.
Copy !req
599. Can you imagine if we had these
when we were 12?
Copy !req
600. Even better.
We got them when we're 40.
Copy !req
601. You know what's amazing? They're
not that noticeable on your face.
Copy !req
602. - Right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
603. I can't believe I've been living here
for two weeks...
Copy !req
604. and I'm walking
around this place...
Copy !req
605. thinking I've got a huge doucher
for a stepbrother.
Copy !req
606. Secretly, you're not a doucher.
Copy !req
607. Let's play a game, all right?
Copy !req
608. On the count of three,
name your favorite dinosaur.
Copy !req
609. Don't even think about it, just name it.
Ready? One, two, three.
Copy !req
610. - Velociraptor.
- Velociraptor.
Copy !req
611. Favorite non-pornographic magazine
to masturbate to.
Copy !req
612. - Good Housekeeping.
- Good Housekeeping.
Copy !req
613. If you were a chick, who's
the one guy you'd sleep with?
Copy !req
614. - John Stamos.
- John Stamos.
Copy !req
615. - What?
- Did we just become best friends?
Copy !req
616. Yep.
Copy !req
617. Do you wanna go do karate
in the garage?
Copy !req
618. Yup!
Copy !req
619. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
620. I think they're starting to
like each other.
Copy !req
621. I got a really bad feeling about this.
Copy !req
622. - Sword fight!
- I know.
Copy !req
623. Sword fight!
Copy !req
624. - Exactly the same!
- I know! That's so weird.
Copy !req
625. Now you're in trouble.
Copy !req
626. - Come on!
- No!
Copy !req
627. They're betting against you,
but you can do it!
Copy !req
628. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
629. Is this a bad time?
Copy !req
630. What the hell's going on?
Copy !req
631. Ma, Mr. Doback, okay,
Dale and I were just...
Copy !req
632. Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.
Copy !req
633. Sorry. Okay.
Copy !req
634. Mom, Doback...
Copy !req
635. we think it would be very prudent...
Copy !req
636. - Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
- Yes.
Copy !req
637. Why are you guys so sweaty?
Copy !req
638. We've already figured out how.
The beds match up perfectly.
Copy !req
639. It would give us so much extra space
in our room to do activities.
Copy !req
640. Please say yes.
Copy !req
641. You don't need our permission
to build bunk beds.
Copy !req
642. You're adults.
You can do what you want.
Copy !req
643. So...?
Copy !req
644. I'm not making myself clear.
Copy !req
645. I don't give a fuck.
Copy !req
646. Now, you both have
several interviews tomorrow.
Copy !req
647. I would think you'd be focused
on that and not building bunk beds.
Copy !req
648. - So...?
- So...?
Copy !req
649. - We can? No?
- Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.
Copy !req
650. - I knew it.
- Okay. You are not gonna regret this.
Copy !req
651. We'll get so much more
activities done.
Copy !req
652. This is the funnest night ever!
Copy !req
653. This is so scary.
Copy !req
654. - How you doing over there?
- Really good.
Copy !req
655. Okay.
Copy !req
656. Does your son know anything
about carpentry?
Copy !req
657. No, not a Th... Did I hear a drill?
Copy !req
658. - Dale! Dale, no power tools!
- Power tools.
Copy !req
659. - What?
- No power tools!
Copy !req
660. - No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth.
- That is not your toothbrush.
Copy !req
661. Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.
Copy !req
662. - We did it.
- We did it!
Copy !req
663. It looks amazing!
Copy !req
664. Look at that! That looks like
what you'd buy from a store!
Copy !req
665. - Should've been a bunk bed all along.
- Look at this space.
Copy !req
666. - We could do aerobics in here.
- So many activities!
Copy !req
667. - Do step class.
- It's making my head spin...
Copy !req
668. - how many activities we can do.
- Play Army men.
Copy !req
669. - Yeah.
- Come on.
Copy !req
670. Hey, I never asked you.
Do you like guacamole?
Copy !req
671. Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!
Copy !req
672. Brennan! Brennan!
Copy !req
673. Dad. Nancy. It's bad.
Copy !req
674. It's so bad.
There's blood everywhere.
Copy !req
675. The bunk beds were a terrible idea.
Why'd you let us do that?
Copy !req
676. It's so bad!
Copy !req
677. How would you describe that?
Copy !req
678. - It's not so bad.
- Right. See?
Copy !req
679. Put your beds back.
Copy !req
680. Rumpus time is over.
Copy !req
681. You got a big day tomorrow.
You need your eight hours.
Copy !req
682. And although she was 88 years old,
she never stopped believing.
Copy !req
683. And although she was 88 years old,
she never stopped believing.
Copy !req
684. It's 8:20 in the a.m.
Copy !req
685. Coming up next, a recent study
by the American Council...
Copy !req
686. Look at her. She's hot.
Copy !req
687. Okay, guys, this is it.
Good luck. Don't be late.
Copy !req
688. Dad, I need to borrow
some clothes for the interview...
Copy !req
689. since I don't have
any fancy clothes.
Copy !req
690. You go in my closet, take whatever
you need. You guys gotta look sharp.
Copy !req
691. This is the most important
day of our lives.
Copy !req
692. - Okay.
- No pressure, no pressure.
Copy !req
693. - All right? Relax.
- Okay.
Copy !req
694. I gotta go. I gotta go.
Copy !req
695. This is your day.
Remember that. You own it.
Copy !req
696. - This is your one day!
- All right.
Copy !req
697. Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener
is ready for your interview.
Copy !req
698. Actually, we'll be
interviewing as a team.
Copy !req
699. We're here to fuck shit up.
Copy !req
700. Move it!
Copy !req
701. Hey!
Copy !req
702. Well, Brennan, you certainly
have had a lot of jobs.
Copy !req
703. I'm a bit of a spark plug.
Copy !req
704. And, Human Resources lady,
when I think...
Copy !req
705. - You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
706. - Well, Pan...
- No, my name is Pam.
Copy !req
707. - Are you saying Pan or Pam?
- I'm saying Pam.
Copy !req
708. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this
gentleman sitting behind you?
Copy !req
709. Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale.
I'm Brennan's stepbrother...
Copy !req
710. and I think I might be able to help
with the Pan-Pam dilemma.
Copy !req
711. - Yeah, that'd be great.
- Pam.
Copy !req
712. - Pan.
- Pam.
Copy !req
713. - Pand. There's a D on the end.
- With an M.
Copy !req
714. - There's no D. It's Pam.
- It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.
Copy !req
715. - N-N. There's two N's.
- Two M's. That was the confusion.
Copy !req
716. No, there's just one M.
Copy !req
717. What do you say we interview you?
Copy !req
718. All right. Yes, that's a
sometimes-useful exercise.
Copy !req
719. Please put your hand down.
Copy !req
720. Go ahead.
Copy !req
721. How much money do you make
a year before taxes?
Copy !req
722. Okay, I'm actually not comfortable
answering that.
Copy !req
723. - Come on!
- We're doing the interview, not you.
Copy !req
724. Here's a shot out of a cannon:
Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.
Copy !req
725. You gotta fuck one,
marry one, kill one. Go!
Copy !req
726. I think we're done here. Thank you.
Copy !req
727. Mr. Huff, under your references,
you listed Dale Doback...
Copy !req
728. which I know is this gentleman,
but you also listed...
Copy !req
729. "Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior."
- Yeah.
Copy !req
730. Yeah, we are looking for people
we can contact.
Copy !req
731. We wanna tell you the stuff
we're not good at.
Copy !req
732. - Our weaknesses.
- So we're clear up front.
Copy !req
733. - Okay.
- We're not generally comfortable...
Copy !req
734. - in an office setting, I would say.
- I get cooped up.
Copy !req
735. I won't go into an office
that's ever been used before.
Copy !req
736. I am no good before 11 a.m.
Copy !req
737. I also get headaches from computers,
so I can't be around them too long.
Copy !req
738. I take stuff.
Copy !req
739. I need someone to go up and down
with me in the elevator.
Copy !req
740. I have a weakness for sweets.
Copy !req
741. Other weaknesses?
Copy !req
742. We're slow learners and we're
not particularly good listeners.
Copy !req
743. - That'll be a huge problem.
- We're also slow learners.
Copy !req
744. First of all,
I needed someone to work...
Copy !req
745. Wait, shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.
Copy !req
746. I think we've had enough...
Copy !req
747. - Shush up for one second.
- Shut your mouth.
Copy !req
748. - Wait, shut your mouth.
- I'm sorry, what did you just say?
Copy !req
749. - You're just coming off stupid.
- I'm coming off stupid?
Copy !req
750. You're wearing tuxedos to a job that
requires you to clean bathrooms.
Copy !req
751. - Please leave this office, we're done.
- Do we get any sort of souvenir?
Copy !req
752. Get out of my office!
Copy !req
753. I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind
hanging out with for 12 hours a day.
Copy !req
754. You guys seem like cool guys.
Copy !req
755. Got hair similar to mine,
you wear tuxedos to the interview.
Copy !req
756. That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.
Copy !req
757. Underplaying the whole formality of it.
I think that's funny as hell.
Copy !req
758. So let's do this, you know?
You guys are hired. You're in.
Copy !req
759. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever
and I don't see it.
Copy !req
760. Great.
Copy !req
761. - Was that a fart?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
762. I can taste it.
Copy !req
763. On my tongue.
Copy !req
764. Okay, I'll be honest with you.
I did fart.
Copy !req
765. Is that onion? Onion and...
Onion and ketchup.
Copy !req
766. - It stinks. And this is a small room.
- Shit.
Copy !req
767. Okay, now the tuxedos
seem kind of fucked up.
Copy !req
768. God. We were so close.
Copy !req
769. So, what do we do for jobs?
Is your dad really gonna kick us out?
Copy !req
770. Listen, don't worry about my dad.
Copy !req
771. Got him sewn up.
Copy !req
772. We've gotta start thinking bigger,
though, Brennan.
Copy !req
773. Listen, what are you really good at?
Copy !req
774. Singing. I'm a world-class singer.
Copy !req
775. See? Right there,
that's an amazing skill.
Copy !req
776. Now, what am I good at?
Copy !req
777. I can shred on the drums
and I'm a marketing wiz.
Copy !req
778. Put all that together,
what do you get?
Copy !req
779. - I don't know, a band?
- No, that's been done before.
Copy !req
780. Even better: we are gonna start an
international entertainment company.
Copy !req
781. The biggest and the best.
Copy !req
782. And we're gonna call it
Prestige Worldwide.
Copy !req
783. That sounds so cool.
Copy !req
784. I feel like a lightning bolt
hit the tip of my penis.
Copy !req
785. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
786. We're brothers. This is why we met.
Copy !req
787. - To form this alliance, right?
- Right?
Copy !req
788. That's why our parents met,
so this idea could happen.
Copy !req
789. - Okay, what do we do?
- We get to work.
Copy !req
790. And we hit the beat laboratory
right now. Let's go.
Copy !req
791. - What?
- Wait.
Copy !req
792. What time is it?
Copy !req
793. - 4:30.
- 4:30.
Copy !req
794. 4:32.
Copy !req
795. - I can't go down Whitworth right now.
- Okay.
Copy !req
796. We should go this way.
Copy !req
797. - What's up?
- Chris Gardocki.
Copy !req
798. - What?
- He gets in my face...
Copy !req
799. and I just don't wanna
deal with the hassle now.
Copy !req
800. - Are you this scared?
- Can we please go the long way?
Copy !req
801. - Down Cutler?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
802. But that's 45 minutes.
Copy !req
803. You're gonna shame me
into doing this.
Copy !req
804. - You sound stupid.
- You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.
Copy !req
805. Oh, man.
Copy !req
806. Oh, God, there they are.
Copy !req
807. Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?
Copy !req
808. - Let's make him lick dog shit.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
809. Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.
Copy !req
810. Is that your boyfriend?
Is that your butt buddy?
Copy !req
811. Look, Mr. Gardocki,
just leave me alone, will you?
Copy !req
812. Shut your mouth, esé.
Copy !req
813. You guys just go back and have fun
on your jungle gym, okay?
Copy !req
814. Does butt buddy have a name?
Copy !req
815. If you're referring to me as
butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.
Copy !req
816. It's Brennan Huff.
Copy !req
817. If you don't come over here
and lick that white dog shit...
Copy !req
818. I'm gonna plow into your nose
with my fist.
Copy !req
819. - I'm not licking any white dog shit.
- I'll lick the shit if you leave us alone.
Copy !req
820. Dale, you're not licking
dog shit, okay? They're kids.
Copy !req
821. - Brennan, it's just dog shit.
- It's ridiculous!
Copy !req
822. - Hello, how are...?
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
823. Leave him alone! Leave him alone!
Copy !req
824. Get them!
Copy !req
825. So maybe you don't
go down that way anymore.
Copy !req
826. Maybe you go the long way home.
Copy !req
827. That's what we talked about.
We'll take the long way home.
Copy !req
828. You know in that one scene
in The Wizard of Oz...
Copy !req
829. when the flying monkeys
pull apart the Scarecrow?
Copy !req
830. That's what it was like.
Copy !req
831. - It's okay, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
832. Is my dad mad about
the stuff that happened?
Copy !req
833. Robert was very upset, yes.
Copy !req
834. He knows that you interviewed
as a team.
Copy !req
835. And he heard about the fart.
Copy !req
836. - Oh, he did?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
837. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?
Copy !req
838. - No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
- It was not silent.
Copy !req
839. Just kept going, and it made a sound.
It was embarrassing.
Copy !req
840. It got louder.
Copy !req
841. So listen, Bobby,
I'll get those keys made tomorrow...
Copy !req
842. - and then we'll start setting up times.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
843. - Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
Copy !req
844. - Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
845. - Always nice to see you.
- You too.
Copy !req
846. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
847. Looks like your
free ride's over, huh?
Copy !req
848. Have fun living on the streets.
Copy !req
849. Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys.
Bye, Mom.
Copy !req
850. - Bye.
- See you, buddy.
Copy !req
851. What was he doing here?
Copy !req
852. We're putting the house
on the market.
Copy !req
853. - Where are we moving?
- Is the house haunted?
Copy !req
854. Nancy and I are retiring...
Copy !req
855. and sailing around the world
on my boat.
Copy !req
856. We are living the dream.
Copy !req
857. Well, what about us?
Copy !req
858. I'm sorry. Robert... We thought that...
Copy !req
859. you should take responsibility
for your own lives.
Copy !req
860. This is the exciting part:
Copy !req
861. We're going to put enough
money in your accounts...
Copy !req
862. for a security deposit
on an apartment.
Copy !req
863. What's this all about?
Copy !req
864. More than just money, we're gonna get
you another kind of support as well.
Copy !req
865. You're both gonna see therapists.
Nancy thinks it'll help.
Copy !req
866. - Guys, that's nonnegotiable.
- Hold on. We're not going on the boat...
Copy !req
867. Derek's selling the house,
we have to go to therapy?
Copy !req
868. - What the fuck happened?
- Hey!
Copy !req
869. Look, I know this seems
really, really sudden...
Copy !req
870. and just sort of unfair
and cruel and...
Copy !req
871. - But it's nonnegotiable.
- But it's nonnegotiable.
Copy !req
872. I got a bellyful
of white dog crap in me...
Copy !req
873. and now you lay this shit on me?
Copy !req
874. You're adults. It's time
you started acting like adults.
Copy !req
875. - Mom.
- I'm not backing down, Brennan.
Copy !req
876. Don't even try.
Copy !req
877. I know it seems hard,
but it's the best thing for both of you.
Copy !req
878. We do it because we love you.
Copy !req
879. Dad, I'm doing this because
I love you: fuck you.
Copy !req
880. - Anything else?
- No.
Copy !req
881. Bon voyage! Have a great time!
Copy !req
882. Hey, what's up, Derek?
Copy !req
883. Yeah.
Copy !req
884. - Know what?
- Look what I got.
Copy !req
885. I'm sitting here thinking we finally got
a family together here...
Copy !req
886. and now it's about to be taken away
because they think we're losers.
Copy !req
887. - Because they don't understand us?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
888. They don't get that this lifestyle
is a choice.
Copy !req
889. And all they think about
is that stupid boat.
Copy !req
890. I swear, I'm so pissed off
at my mom.
Copy !req
891. As soon as she is of age,
I'm putting her in a home.
Copy !req
892. We have got to get
Prestige Worldwide going.
Copy !req
893. It's the thing that's
gonna save this family.
Copy !req
894. I was thinking we should
have a investor presentation...
Copy !req
895. like on The Apprentice.
Copy !req
896. We gotta start
with some capital somewhere.
Copy !req
897. Here's the thing, though:
Copy !req
898. If we're gonna start
a huge multinational corporation...
Copy !req
899. I have to hear you sing.
Copy !req
900. Can't you just trust that
I'm a really, really good singer?
Copy !req
901. Just one song, so I know
what your voice sounds like.
Copy !req
902. Yeah, yeah. I'll just do it.
Copy !req
903. No big deal. I'll just dive into it
and just start singing.
Copy !req
904. Jesus, my heart is beating
so fast right now.
Copy !req
905. Okay, just do it. Just do it.
Copy !req
906. Just...
Copy !req
907. You know, I don't know.
Copy !req
908. I didn't sing too loud, because I don't
wanna wake up Robert and Nancy.
Copy !req
909. My throat's sore. I've had
a sore throat for a month and a half.
Copy !req
910. And this is not an acoustic
environment that's suitable...
Copy !req
911. to request this from me.
Copy !req
912. You gotta know,
I'm not just some guy.
Copy !req
913. Brennan, that is
the voice of an angel.
Copy !req
914. Brennan, I can't even make
eye contact with you right now.
Copy !req
915. Your voice is like a combination
of Fergie and Jesus.
Copy !req
916. Why can't you do that
in front of people?
Copy !req
917. Are you messing with me right now?
Copy !req
918. It's me, Dale.
Copy !req
919. You're good.
Copy !req
920. - I know.
- This is gonna sound weird...
Copy !req
921. but for a second, I think
you took on the shape of a unicorn.
Copy !req
922. I felt like I was hovering
above my own body...
Copy !req
923. watching myself sing.
Copy !req
924. Now, let's move on
to other business.
Copy !req
925. First thing tomorrow, we gotta get
cracking on this investor presentation.
Copy !req
926. And guess what else.
This just came to me.
Copy !req
927. - We're making a music video.
- Yeah!
Copy !req
928. What do we do about Derek
and the house?
Copy !req
929. Don't worry about him.
Copy !req
930. Oh, it's a great "nabe."
Copy !req
931. Frank Gifford
used to live down the block.
Copy !req
932. - The Giff?
- Yeah, the Giff. Right down the block.
Copy !req
933. I'm getting
a really good feeling about this.
Copy !req
934. I am so glad.
Copy !req
935. You get us that 10-year
interest-only loan, we got a deal.
Copy !req
936. Hey, fuckers!
Welcome to the neighborhood!
Copy !req
937. - My name is Craig.
- The neighbor is a Nazi?
Copy !req
938. You guys ever need fertilizer,
I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons.
Copy !req
939. Hey, folks! How you doing?
You're gonna love this neighborhood.
Copy !req
940. Every single house here recycles.
Copy !req
941. - Okay, we're done here.
- Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
942. Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.
Copy !req
943. Dale, I don't know how much
you know about therapy...
Copy !req
944. but it usually starts by you
telling me something about yourself.
Copy !req
945. I work at a college as a janitor...
Copy !req
946. even though I'm smarter
than most of the people there.
Copy !req
947. Sometimes I see an equation
written on a blackboard...
Copy !req
948. like half an equation,
and I'll just figure it out.
Copy !req
949. - Is this Good Will Hunting?
- No.
Copy !req
950. It sounds a lot like the plot
of Good Will Hunting.
Copy !req
951. Yeah. Anyway.
My best friend is Ben Affleck...
Copy !req
952. So I thought we'd begin
talking about your parents' divorce.
Copy !req
953. Okay.
Copy !req
954. How old were you
when they got divorced?
Copy !req
955. - Fifteen.
- That's a hard age.
Copy !req
956. - Yes. Yeah.
- Do you wanna talk...
Copy !req
957. - about some of those feelings?
- I love you.
Copy !req
958. - Obviously, you don't know me.
- I love you so much.
Copy !req
959. Thank you. And I will take that
as a feeling that you have...
Copy !req
960. of comfortability with me.
Copy !req
961. It's more than comfortability.
Copy !req
962. - I mean, I fucking love you.
- Okay. I Th...
Copy !req
963. I'm just thinking
about our life together.
Copy !req
964. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.
Copy !req
965. My penis is tingling right now.
Copy !req
966. - That is so off-putting.
- You're not feeling this?
Copy !req
967. In no way, shape or form do I feel
any feelings of intimacy towards you...
Copy !req
968. in any way whatsoever.
Copy !req
969. You got a really dope
front lawn here.
Copy !req
970. You and your homeboys
can play on that.
Copy !req
971. - You can just say "It looks good."
- Yeah.
Copy !req
972. No, that's how I talk.
Copy !req
973. Oh, you got a really fresh
entryway here. Pretty awesome.
Copy !req
974. Show you the front of the house,
which is actual...
Copy !req
975. Will you vultures please give us some
privacy? He just died last night.
Copy !req
976. What is going on here?
Copy !req
977. It was the asbestos in here,
that's what did it!
Copy !req
978. I've seen too many dead bodies.
Copy !req
979. - I can't be in here. I can't.
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
980. - Not bad.
- Eat shit, Derek.
Copy !req
981. - Awesome B-day party, broheisens.
- You the man, Derek.
Copy !req
982. Okay, who's this from? TJ?
Copy !req
983. Where are
the rest of my gifts, dude?
Copy !req
984. Totally joking around, TJ.
Copy !req
985. All right.
Copy !req
986. Oh, yes! Yes! Callaway 3-wood.
Copy !req
987. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
988. Yeah.
Copy !req
989. - Bomb it down the fairway, bitches!
- That's right.
Copy !req
990. Hi, my name is Jim.
Wanna suck my dick for money?
Copy !req
991. - It's just me. Hi.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
992. What are you doing?
This is the men's bathroom.
Copy !req
993. Happy anniversary.
Copy !req
994. - It's our second date.
- What?
Copy !req
995. Listen, I'm sick of being
all coy and bashful, Dale. Okay?
Copy !req
996. - We're in the bathroom.
- This'll just take a minute.
Copy !req
997. There's really little you can
do about it. Let me just hop on.
Copy !req
998. It's all slippery.
Copy !req
999. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1000. It's getting tingly.
Something's gonna happen, Alice!
Copy !req
1001. Oh, we just had sex.
Copy !req
1002. - Just the way I imagined it.
- I like you.
Copy !req
1003. I love you.
Copy !req
1004. - Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1005. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1006. You're incredible.
Copy !req
1007. Say hello to my little friend.
Copy !req
1008. - Just kidding. It's from Scarface.
- Scarface.
Copy !req
1009. Shut the fuck up!
Copy !req
1010. - Sweet-ass gift, Teej.
- Yeah, not bad.
Copy !req
1011. - I got it all mapped out.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1012. - I'm following your lead, though.
- I'll get all eyes on us.
Copy !req
1013. - Okay.
- Just like we planned.
Copy !req
1014. And then we'll drop the hammer.
Copy !req
1015. What were Dale and Brennan doing
with my video camera, do you know?
Copy !req
1016. I have no idea. And frankly,
I really don't care. So...
Copy !req
1017. I would like to say a few things.
Copy !req
1018. Derek, you are an outstanding
young man, son.
Copy !req
1019. And I would like say that
this is the image I have:
Copy !req
1020. That sometimes when I'm making love
to your mother and I realize that...
Copy !req
1021. this is where you came from,
that I'm so moved...
Copy !req
1022. that I talked to my lawyer,
and not only are you going to be...
Copy !req
1023. in my heart forever, but you're
going to be in my will, young man.
Copy !req
1024. - Okay. Okay.
- Okay?
Copy !req
1025. - Robert, that was fucking awesome.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1026. You got a lot of this, buddy.
And you got a lot of these.
Copy !req
1027. Thank you.
Copy !req
1028. Everyone, if I could have
your attention, please.
Copy !req
1029. For those of you
who don't know me...
Copy !req
1030. - my name's Dale Doback.
- Check. Check.
Copy !req
1031. I'm Robert's other son,
the biological one.
Copy !req
1032. Check. Check.
Copy !req
1033. Probably wondering
why we gathered you here tonight...
Copy !req
1034. besides Derek's birthday.
Copy !req
1035. We got a special surprise for you,
Derek, and everybody here...
Copy !req
1036. - Check, check.
- Check.
Copy !req
1037. - Dale. No, please.
- Don't interrupt them.
Copy !req
1038. - I'm begging you.
- You wanna shut this down?
Copy !req
1039. - Just hold on.
- Derek, for your birthday...
Copy !req
1040. we thought we'd roll out...
Copy !req
1041. a once-in-a-lifetime
business opportunity.
Copy !req
1042. Happy birthday, Derek.
Copy !req
1043. Music.
Copy !req
1044. Prestige Worldwide,
wide, wide, wide.
Copy !req
1045. Prestige Worldwide.
Copy !req
1046. - The first word in entertainment.
- First word.
Copy !req
1047. - Management.
- Financial portfolios.
Copy !req
1048. - Insurance.
- Computers.
Copy !req
1049. - Black leather gloves.
- Research and development.
Copy !req
1050. Putting in the man-hours to study
the science of what you need.
Copy !req
1051. Last week we put Liquid Paper
on a bee...
Copy !req
1052. and it died.
Copy !req
1053. - Security.
- Security.
Copy !req
1054. - And...
- And.
Copy !req
1055. - Possibly you.
- Possibly you.
Copy !req
1056. - Oh, this is classic. This is...
- We'd like to present...
Copy !req
1057. the world premiere of Prestige
Worldwide's first music video...
Copy !req
1058. by our first act, Huff and Doback.
Copy !req
1059. - Roll it.
- Roll it.
Copy !req
1060. Pay close attention, Dad.
It's gonna look familiar.
Copy !req
1061. - This is... This is perfect.
- Is that my boat?
Copy !req
1062. Yes, it is.
Copy !req
1063. What are you doing on my boat?
Copy !req
1064. The Niña, the Pinta
the Santa María
Copy !req
1065. I'll do you in the bottom
While you're drinking sangria
Copy !req
1066. Nachos and Lemonheads
On my dad's boat
Copy !req
1067. You won't go down
'Cause my dick can float
Copy !req
1068. We sail around the world
And go port to port
Copy !req
1069. Every time I come
I produce a quart
Copy !req
1070. That is offensive. Brennan, Dale.
Copy !req
1071. I gotta have me my boats and ho's
Copy !req
1072. Deadliest Catch without the crabs
Copy !req
1073. We're almost out of gas
Call the Arabs
Copy !req
1074. Pull up the anchor
'Cause we're leaving dry land
Copy !req
1075. Get below deck
With a dick in your hand
Copy !req
1076. Boats and ho's
Boats and ho's
Copy !req
1077. I gotta have me my boats and ho's
Copy !req
1078. Are you ready for some
world-class vocalization?
Copy !req
1079. - Get a partner.
- Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1080. - Who's steering the boat?
- Dad, please shut up.
Copy !req
1081. Please shut up!
Copy !req
1082. Yeah!
Copy !req
1083. So...
Copy !req
1084. big question is:
Copy !req
1085. Aside from the damage to the boat,
which we will fix...
Copy !req
1086. what'd you think
of the presentation?
Copy !req
1087. Brennan, I think that what you did
to Robert's boat was horrid.
Copy !req
1088. Having said that,
I think that both of you boys...
Copy !req
1089. showed a lot of enthusiasm
and inventiveness.
Copy !req
1090. Yes. Thank you.
Copy !req
1091. You gotta be kidding me.
Copy !req
1092. They destroyed our dream
and you're calling it inventive.
Copy !req
1093. - No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.
- Yes, you did.
Copy !req
1094. Come on, you did.
Copy !req
1095. It's gonna be four years, at least,
before we can sail anywhere.
Copy !req
1096. - And you could care less, admit it.
- I will not admit that...
Copy !req
1097. - because it is not true.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1098. But, you know,
I do think that you could show...
Copy !req
1099. a little bit more attentiveness
to your son and your stepson...
Copy !req
1100. who obviously need you.
Copy !req
1101. It's true, Dr. Doback.
Copy !req
1102. You've been very cold
and unsupportive of our dreams.
Copy !req
1103. You wrecked my fucking boat,
you goon!
Copy !req
1104. Don't speak to my son like that.
Copy !req
1105. Your son's costing me $80,000.
Copy !req
1106. We could bicker about this all night,
but what's done is done, Dad.
Copy !req
1107. - Are you guys gonna invest or not?
- That's it! That's it!
Copy !req
1108. - What are you doing?
- Grab the wheel!
Copy !req
1109. I can't believe
you're being so stingy.
Copy !req
1110. - Robert, come down.
- It's a simple business decision.
Copy !req
1111. You jackaloons!
Copy !req
1112. You're failures! Failures!
Copy !req
1113. And you're embarrassing yourself,
you geriatric fuck!
Copy !req
1114. - Brennan.
- Two things:
Copy !req
1115. You keep your liver-spotted hands
off my beautiful mother.
Copy !req
1116. She's a saint!
Copy !req
1117. Then you sit down and you write Dale
and Brennan a check for $ 10,000.
Copy !req
1118. Oh, stop it.
Copy !req
1119. Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake
hearing devices so far up your ass...
Copy !req
1120. Brennan!
you can hear the sound...
Copy !req
1121. of your small intestine
as it produces shit!
Copy !req
1122. - All right, here we go.
- Oh, my Lord.
Copy !req
1123. Somebody should've done this
a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.
Copy !req
1124. - What are you doing?
- Robert.
Copy !req
1125. There are consequences
for your actions.
Copy !req
1126. - No! Robert!
- Dad!
Copy !req
1127. - This is not the answer.
- You're next, mister.
Copy !req
1128. - You understand me?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1129. - Certain behaviors...
- Let go of me.
Copy !req
1130. - will not be tolerated!
- My ass is on fire!
Copy !req
1131. Wow, the tree looks great, Nancy.
Really tasteful.
Copy !req
1132. Thank you, Dale. That's a very nice
sweater you're wearing.
Copy !req
1133. It was my mom's.
I took the shoulder pads out.
Copy !req
1134. Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called...
Copy !req
1135. and she said she can't go out
with you on New Year's Eve...
Copy !req
1136. because she's not your girlfriend,
she's your therapist.
Copy !req
1137. - Is that what she said?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1138. She's a rascal.
Copy !req
1139. Hey, Dad, Nancy?
Copy !req
1140. Would it be cool if Brennan and I
opened just one present each...
Copy !req
1141. since it's Christmas Eve?
Copy !req
1142. I'm gonna go down to the
Cheesecake Factory, have a drink.
Copy !req
1143. But it's Christmas Eve.
Copy !req
1144. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1145. - Yes.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1146. I had my eye on one.
Copy !req
1147. I hope it's what I think it is.
Copy !req
1148. Oh, my God. Hulk Hands!
Copy !req
1149. Wait, Dale got Hulk Hands?
Copy !req
1150. Well, you reek of Scotch
and cheesecake.
Copy !req
1151. You know...
Copy !req
1152. tonight at the Cheesecake Factory
was the happiest I've been in months.
Copy !req
1153. - Well, then I feel very sorry for you.
- Well, just...
Copy !req
1154. Nancy, I don't know if I can ever
forgive them for wrecking my boat.
Copy !req
1155. - Why are you giving up?
- I'm not giving up. I'm not.
Copy !req
1156. - You are. You're giving up on our boys.
- But they're 40.
Copy !req
1157. I don't care how old they are.
They're still our children.
Copy !req
1158. Well, sometime it's got to matter
how old they are.
Copy !req
1159. That's all we do, is...
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Copy !req
1160. Oh, it...
You know, they'll go back to bed.
Copy !req
1161. See? They're sleepwalking.
Copy !req
1162. No. No.
Copy !req
1163. See, back to bed.
Copy !req
1164. They'll be fine.
Copy !req
1165. Just nonsense.
I'm gonna wake them up.
Copy !req
1166. - No. Why would you do such a thing?
- Well, because it's...
Copy !req
1167. - Never, ever wake up a sleepwalker.
- See, that's it.
Copy !req
1168. - We can't ever do anything.
- No.
Copy !req
1169. But they could do real harm
to themselves or others.
Copy !req
1170. - Oh, the Christmas presents.
- No, guys... No, no, don't...
Copy !req
1171. - No. But...
- I think we should take control.
Copy !req
1172. - It's always about them.
- How do you propose to do that?
Copy !req
1173. - Oh, Jesus.
- Whatever you do, don't wake them.
Copy !req
1174. They might do real harm
to themselves or others.
Copy !req
1175. - Not everybody does know that.
- Oh, the Christmas tree!
Copy !req
1176. Oh, not the... No, don't...
All right, that's it!
Copy !req
1177. - I'm waking them up!
- No! No!
Copy !req
1178. - Don't wake them up!
- That's a myth!
Copy !req
1179. - Wake up, both of you.
- Don't.
Copy !req
1180. I told you! I told you!
Copy !req
1181. Stop it! Don't hurt him!
Copy !req
1182. The pictures! Nancy!
Copy !req
1183. Robert!
Copy !req
1184. I mean, I was driving around
with a buddy of mine, Topher.
Copy !req
1185. You guys remember Topher, right?
Copy !req
1186. Driving around, he has this
brand-new Testarossa, right?
Copy !req
1187. We hit this four-point buck. Dead.
Lying in the road.
Copy !req
1188. Long story short,
we sue the state of Michigan.
Copy !req
1189. I end up getting 125 G's. Okay?
You know what I spent that money on?
Copy !req
1190. Sniper rifle to hunt deer.
Copy !req
1191. Either way, the deers lose,
my friends.
Copy !req
1192. Good riddance.
Eat all the damn flowers, anyway.
Copy !req
1193. If you'll excuse me...
Copy !req
1194. I think I'm going to go into
the other room to check my hair.
Copy !req
1195. - Excuse me.
- Sorry, everybody.
Copy !req
1196. If you'll excuse
my space-cadet wife here.
Copy !req
1197. Let's just say the meds
aren't helping.
Copy !req
1198. I'm kidding. Kidding. But not at all.
Copy !req
1199. I have to get some more gravy.
Copy !req
1200. - Oh, Dale, it's right there.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
1201. Shush up, Nancy.
I have to get some more bread.
Copy !req
1202. What did I do to deserve that?
Copy !req
1203. What do any of us do
to deserve anything?
Copy !req
1204. I pay enough taxes to support
all these lazy goddamn liberals.
Copy !req
1205. Get off me! Off!
Get back. Get back! Back!
Copy !req
1206. - What do you want?
- Merry Christmas, darling.
Copy !req
1207. - Merry Christmas.
- Oh, that was torture.
Copy !req
1208. I couldn't eat another bite of turkey
without thinking of you inside of me.
Copy !req
1209. Come on, let's try something illegal.
Copy !req
1210. So, Tommy, what did you
get for Christmas?
Copy !req
1211. Well, Santa brought me the Bowflex
and $ 1000 in fresh-minted $50 bills.
Copy !req
1212. Wanna know what I got
for Christmas? A crushed soul.
Copy !req
1213. - Alice, please.
- Sing along, Santa.
Copy !req
1214. You know this song.
Copy !req
1215. What is that noise?
Copy !req
1216. It's... This is the ghost.
Copy !req
1217. - Just try to be quiet. Okay.
- You're right. You're right.
Copy !req
1218. - We've got to be discreet.
- All right.
Copy !req
1219. No, no! Oh, hey.
Copy !req
1220. Are you all still talking in here?
Copy !req
1221. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1222. Alice was moving a chair from the
living room into the dining room...
Copy !req
1223. for an extra chair
and her back went out.
Copy !req
1224. And I just did the best thing,
which is get right on the muscles...
Copy !req
1225. Muscles.
so they don't seize up.
Copy !req
1226. Just add some heat to it.
Copy !req
1227. Damn it, Dale, sit down.
Copy !req
1228. It's just a real deep, tight muscle.
Copy !req
1229. Hey, sweetie,
can you grab me a beer?
Copy !req
1230. - I'll get you another Heineken.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1231. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1232. And how about you, Tiffany,
what did you get for Christmas?
Copy !req
1233. I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace.
Copy !req
1234. But next year I'm gonna ask
Santa for breast implants...
Copy !req
1235. because I'm impatient
with my body.
Copy !req
1236. Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know
what I got? A crushed soul.
Copy !req
1237. You mentioned that earlier.
Copy !req
1238. - So good.
- Oh, gosh!
Copy !req
1239. It's gone into a real bad spasm,
so I put a yoga move on her.
Copy !req
1240. Grant me this one,
because I was pretty wasted.
Copy !req
1241. So I put my lips
around that breathalyzer...
Copy !req
1242. and I saw those numerals pop up:
Copy !req
1243. 0.079.
Copy !req
1244. So I started going to Chad
Michael Murray's Christmas party.
Copy !req
1245. I think that was the year.
And just driving...
Copy !req
1246. I have to interrupt you. Robert, while
the children are in the living room...
Copy !req
1247. I think this would be a good time
to make our announcement.
Copy !req
1248. - What's going on?
- It's over.
Copy !req
1249. I'm gonna be moving in
with my friend Jack Handle...
Copy !req
1250. and Nancy found a townhouse
in the city.
Copy !req
1251. What is this? What's happening?
Copy !req
1252. What Robert is trying to say
is that we are getting a divorce.
Copy !req
1253. - Don't do this.
- No. No!
Copy !req
1254. - I could've called this one.
- No.
Copy !req
1255. - Yeah.
- Is it our fault?
Copy !req
1256. - Is it because we were bad?
- No. No.
Copy !req
1257. The main thing that
Robert and I talked about...
Copy !req
1258. is that we did not want you two
to blame yourselves.
Copy !req
1259. - What can we do to fix it?
- Dale, honey, are you okay?
Copy !req
1260. - Why are you calling him "honey"?
- I cannot stress this enough:
Copy !req
1261. - It is not your fault.
- Whose fault is it?
Copy !req
1262. - Fuck it, I wanna fucking know!
- Let's cut the shit.
Copy !req
1263. - It is directly your fault.
- Robert.
Copy !req
1264. You destroyed my boat.
Copy !req
1265. You beat me up in your sleep...
Copy !req
1266. and worst of all, you made
Nancy and I resent each other.
Copy !req
1267. - It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!
- Of course it's their fault.
Copy !req
1268. They're the world's biggest dickheads,
and they're living in your house.
Copy !req
1269. - Shut up, Derek.
- I'm sorry, but that...
Copy !req
1270. Please don't cry like that.
Please don't, Brennan.
Copy !req
1271. - Mommy!
- Dale!
Copy !req
1272. I told you that they would feel
completely to blame.
Copy !req
1273. - Oh, let's grow up.
- I think I'm going to throw up.
Copy !req
1274. - I think I'm gonna throw up...
- Don't throw up.
Copy !req
1275. all the nice dinner that I had.
I'm gonna throw it up.
Copy !req
1276. - You're not gonna throw up.
- He's gonna throw up.
Copy !req
1277. - Come on.
- My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.
Copy !req
1278. - Hey, guys. Guys.
- This is not nice!
Copy !req
1279. - All right, dipshits. Right here.
- Stop it, Derek.
Copy !req
1280. - One, two, three...
- I don't want my picture taken now.
Copy !req
1281. Good luck, and remember, I need you
out of this house by tomorrow.
Copy !req
1282. No exceptions.
Copy !req
1283. If there's anything you need,
anything that you boys need...
Copy !req
1284. you just give me a call. Okay?
It's all right.
Copy !req
1285. Hey. Are you awake?
Copy !req
1286. Yeah.
Copy !req
1287. I can't believe we actually
have to move out of this house.
Copy !req
1288. I know. I feel bad.
Copy !req
1289. Hey, you know,
we don't have to whisper anymore.
Copy !req
1290. Mom and Dad aren't here.
Copy !req
1291. Yeah, but can we keep
doing it, though?
Copy !req
1292. It helps me pretend that they are.
Copy !req
1293. You must feel just terrible.
Copy !req
1294. - I mean, I know I feel bad.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1295. But I can't imagine how you feel...
Copy !req
1296. after my dad looked
right at you and said...
Copy !req
1297. it's all your fault
that they broke up.
Copy !req
1298. That's funny, because my mom said:
Copy !req
1299. "If that curly-headed fuck Dale
wasn't here...
Copy !req
1300. everything would be perfect."
Copy !req
1301. - You take that back.
- No way. It's your fault.
Copy !req
1302. You know what your problem is?
Copy !req
1303. You live in a fantasy land.
You refuse to get a job...
Copy !req
1304. and you don't know what it's like
to work for something.
Copy !req
1305. You don't take responsibility for
your actions. This is all your fault!
Copy !req
1306. Well, you're a mama's boy
who's too chicken to sing in public!
Copy !req
1307. Yeah, that's right.
Copy !req
1308. Run away, little boy,
because you know it's true.
Copy !req
1309. Just avoid everything.
Copy !req
1310. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1311. - Dale broke up Mom and Dad
- Motherfucker!
Copy !req
1312. Dale broke up Mom and Dad
Dale broke up Mom and Dad
Copy !req
1313. - Dale broke up Mom and...
- Brennan!
Copy !req
1314. Get up, Brennan,
I know you're faking. Get up!
Copy !req
1315. Get up!
Copy !req
1316. Brennan?
Copy !req
1317. It's just like Cold Case Files.
It's just like Cold Case Files.
Copy !req
1318. It's just like Cold Case Files.
Copy !req
1319. People die every day.
Copy !req
1320. Give him a proper burial
in an unmarked grave...
Copy !req
1321. - Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my God.
- I know.
Copy !req
1322. I'm alive.
Copy !req
1323. - You were dead. I saw you die!
- I was faking.
Copy !req
1324. I used ninja focus
to slow my heart rate down.
Copy !req
1325. - What are you doing?
- I'm burying you.
Copy !req
1326. - I'm alive. Brennan, I'm alive.
- You're waking the neighbors!
Copy !req
1327. - Shut up!
- No. No.
Copy !req
1328. - Now I'm gonna play your drum set.
- Help me.
Copy !req
1329. Close your eyes.
Let the dirt just shower over you.
Copy !req
1330. This is your fault.
Copy !req
1331. Oh, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna sleep good tonight.
Copy !req
1332. - Don't you touch my drums!
- Zombie!
Copy !req
1333. Zombie! Zombie!
Copy !req
1334. Get off me, zombie.
Copy !req
1335. Get off.
Copy !req
1336. I'm late for school.
Copy !req
1337. I will kiss you right on the mouth,
Kenny Rogers.
Copy !req
1338. - Just get off me.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1339. So I guess it's really over.
Copy !req
1340. I'd say you trying to bury me alive
pretty much did it.
Copy !req
1341. You know what I just realized?
Copy !req
1342. You've been the one
dragging me down.
Copy !req
1343. Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna
get a job and an apartment...
Copy !req
1344. and then I'm gonna get Mom
and Dr. Doback back together.
Copy !req
1345. I'm gonna be the hero,
and you can suck on it.
Copy !req
1346. My life was perfect
before you came here.
Copy !req
1347. Me and my dad had a perfect setup,
and you wrecked it.
Copy !req
1348. Hey.
Copy !req
1349. We're no longer brothers.
Copy !req
1350. We never were.
We were stepbrothers.
Copy !req
1351. - That was one of your best.
- These balls fucking suck.
Copy !req
1352. All right.
Copy !req
1353. Well, well, well,
look who's here, boys.
Copy !req
1354. Can you give me a job, please?
Copy !req
1355. TJ, get an office pool going.
Copy !req
1356. Give Ken-Doll Crotch here
two weeks, tops.
Copy !req
1357. Dr. Angel Face,
I just wanted to say thank you...
Copy !req
1358. for meeting me
on such short notice.
Copy !req
1359. - Don't call me Angel Face.
- I apologize.
Copy !req
1360. I'm very alone right now, and the thing
I wanna ask you to help me...
Copy !req
1361. To show me how I can be
a grown-up.
Copy !req
1362. Do I carry my
high-school diploma around?
Copy !req
1363. What do you do with your hair?
Copy !req
1364. What happens if there's
inclement weather?
Copy !req
1365. Where do you...?
What do you wear?
Copy !req
1366. Can you wash clothes
in the dishwasher?
Copy !req
1367. I notice that there's a long gap
in your job history...
Copy !req
1368. and it said for 22 years...
Copy !req
1369. you went Kerouac
on everyone's ass?
Copy !req
1370. I'm gonna be honest with you.
I really need a job.
Copy !req
1371. And I will take any position,
as long as it doesn't involve...
Copy !req
1372. having sex with old ladies
for money or bear traps.
Copy !req
1373. - Those are my two bugaboos.
- All right, got it.
Copy !req
1374. There's a catering business,
there's a temp job open.
Copy !req
1375. And you get to play with fire.
Copy !req
1376. What do you want?
This is my online-poker time.
Copy !req
1377. I'm ready to take on
the Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1378. Slow down there, Speed Racer.
Copy !req
1379. I know what it entails,
and I'm ready to nail it.
Copy !req
1380. I want it, okay?
I want the Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1381. - Yo, yo.
- Hey, D-man.
Copy !req
1382. - You tell him what's up?
- I sure did.
Copy !req
1383. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1384. Your brother wants a shot
at the Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1385. I'm ready, walking tall.
Copy !req
1386. You're ready to run with the bulls?
Copy !req
1387. I've been earning and burning,
snapping necks and cashing checks.
Copy !req
1388. Screw it, let's let him do it.
It's a win-win for me...
Copy !req
1389. - because if you fuck up, Brennan...
- Yeah?
Copy !req
1390. I get to fire your ass. But if you pull
it off, I look like a genius to the board.
Copy !req
1391. - Okay?
- I get it.
Copy !req
1392. Brennan, here's the thing.
Copy !req
1393. It's the Catalina fucking
Wine Mixer, okay?
Copy !req
1394. Are you saying "pow"?
What are you saying?
Copy !req
1395. It's the biggest helicopter-leasing
event in the Western Hemisphere...
Copy !req
1396. since 1997.
Copy !req
1397. - Why does he keep doing that?
- I have to sell or lease...
Copy !req
1398. at least 80 choppers
to make my nut.
Copy !req
1399. And you mess with my nut, Brennan,
Randy here is gonna eat your dick.
Copy !req
1400. Like Kobayashi.
Copy !req
1401. I've seen him do it.
Copy !req
1402. You've seen him eat a penis?
Copy !req
1403. It was in international waters,
so they couldn't prosecute him.
Copy !req
1404. I tell you now, I'll nail it.
I'll pull it off, okay?
Copy !req
1405. Wait a second,
why do you want this so bad?
Copy !req
1406. Trying to get Mom and Dad
back together or something?
Copy !req
1407. - Why do I want this?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1408. Because I wanna make bank, bro.
I wanna get ass.
Copy !req
1409. And I wanna drive a Range Rover.
Copy !req
1410. Okay, well, you better, Brennan.
Copy !req
1411. This is the fucking
Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1412. Nancy. Hi.
Copy !req
1413. Hi. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1414. Well, Dale's working the function.
Copy !req
1415. Guys, this is supposed to be jicama,
not bok choy.
Copy !req
1416. Sorry, folks.
Copy !req
1417. And I got an invitation from Brennan.
Copy !req
1418. Can you believe
Brennan put all this together?
Copy !req
1419. And now here we all are in Catalina.
Copy !req
1420. - It's funny, huh?
- Yeah, it's funny.
Copy !req
1421. - Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1422. Not bad. You're nailing it.
Copy !req
1423. - Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1424. I don't know what it is...
Copy !req
1425. but I wanna deliver one of these
right in your suck hole.
Copy !req
1426. - Is there anything I can do?
- No. Not really. It's your face.
Copy !req
1427. Again, you're doing great, man.
The Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1428. We're all having a great time,
having fun.
Copy !req
1429. You pulled it off.
But if you don't change your face...
Copy !req
1430. - I'm gonna change it for you.
- Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
1431. All I can do is take that in,
consider it...
Copy !req
1432. and I'll just do my best version
of whatever I think that would be.
Copy !req
1433. I don't even hear you,
your face is driving me nuts.
Copy !req
1434. - Thanks again, though.
- Oh, tits. Hold on.
Copy !req
1435. - Hey. Hello, Catalina Wine Mixer.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1436. How are you? We are Uptown Girl.
Copy !req
1437. We are California's preeminent
1980s Billy Joel cover band.
Copy !req
1438. "Piano Man"!
Copy !req
1439. What did I just say, man?
Copy !req
1440. All right, we don't play that...
Copy !req
1441. so let's keep it in the '80s
and let's keep it fun.
Copy !req
1442. You having a good time?
Copy !req
1443. I hope you are,
because sometimes life can be tough.
Copy !req
1444. And I know that sometimes
it's hard to "Keeping the Faith."
Copy !req
1445. You guys seem to be hitting it off.
Copy !req
1446. Oh, honey.
Copy !req
1447. Oh, my God,
this is the greatest party.
Copy !req
1448. - Hello, Robert.
- Way to go.
Copy !req
1449. - Brennan, this is fantastic.
- Way to go.
Copy !req
1450. So impressed.
Copy !req
1451. - Hi, Dad. Hi, Nancy.
- Hi, Dale.
Copy !req
1452. - Hey, Brennan.
- It's good to see you.
Copy !req
1453. Thanks for hiring
our catering company.
Copy !req
1454. Easy decision. You guys have
a outstanding track record.
Copy !req
1455. - Just like old times, huh?
- Right, it really is.
Copy !req
1456. You still have your
night-vision goggles?
Copy !req
1457. No, no. No, I had to sell those
to pay for car insurance.
Copy !req
1458. How about you?
You still breaking boards...
Copy !req
1459. or kicking holes in pumpkins
or anything?
Copy !req
1460. No.
Copy !req
1461. But I did start taking baby aspirin
to reduce my risk for heart attack.
Copy !req
1462. That makes sense.
Gotta keep an eye on it, you know.
Copy !req
1463. - Knock off the sweets.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1464. It's a truly funny observation.
Copy !req
1465. Yeah.
Copy !req
1466. Dale, the empanadas
are starting to sweat.
Copy !req
1467. Okay. I better run.
Copy !req
1468. - It's good to see you, Brennan.
- You too.
Copy !req
1469. - Take care, be well. Take care, Dad.
- Okay, buddy.
Copy !req
1470. - It's great to talk to him.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1471. I gotta go too.
Copy !req
1472. We should do this again.
I think it was very constructive.
Copy !req
1473. - Maybe grab a bite to eat?
- Sure.
Copy !req
1474. - Go to Outback Steakhouse.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1475. I've grown very fond of that place.
Copy !req
1476. Thank you for coming.
Copy !req
1477. Great to see you.
Copy !req
1478. It was very nice to see you, Robert.
Copy !req
1479. I think Brennan organized this
whole thing to get us back together.
Copy !req
1480. You have to excuse me.
I think that I just might cry.
Copy !req
1481. It's the funniest thing. Bye-bye.
Copy !req
1482. "Start the Fire," buddy!
Copy !req
1483. Come on, man. Play something
from The Stranger!
Copy !req
1484. We strictly do '80s Joel music, sir.
Copy !req
1485. '80s Billy Joel doo-wop sucks!
Copy !req
1486. Hey, listen, motherfucker,
we only sing '80s Joel!
Copy !req
1487. So take your skank hooker wife
and get the fuck out of here!
Copy !req
1488. Shit.
Copy !req
1489. - What's wrong?
- All right. "What's wrong?"
Copy !req
1490. Get him out of here.
Get his ass out of here!
Copy !req
1491. Hey.
Copy !req
1492. Hey, great job, fuck face. You just
busted my nut. This party's shot.
Copy !req
1493. Just relax. I didn't realize
he would say these things.
Copy !req
1494. You know what?
You cost me money.
Copy !req
1495. So this isn't even
a judgment call, man.
Copy !req
1496. - You're Audi 5000, my friend.
- Derek, can't we talk about this?
Copy !req
1497. No.
Copy !req
1498. - Hey.
- Shit.
Copy !req
1499. - Is everything okay?
- No. He just fired me.
Copy !req
1500. What happened to the music?
Copy !req
1501. The band left. The guy freaked out.
Copy !req
1502. Derek fired me.
Copy !req
1503. - It's no big deal.
- Robert, you don't get it.
Copy !req
1504. It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!
Copy !req
1505. People have killed
to be in the position I'm in.
Copy !req
1506. - He's right. It's a big deal.
- Here's a thought:
Copy !req
1507. I see an empty stage.
Copy !req
1508. I see drums, I see a drummer.
Copy !req
1509. I see a microphone,
and I see a singer.
Copy !req
1510. - Dad, come on.
- What?
Copy !req
1511. - We gave that stuff up.
- We don't do that.
Copy !req
1512. Listen to me.
Dale, look, when I was a kid...
Copy !req
1513. when I was a little boy,
I always wanted to be a dinosaur.
Copy !req
1514. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex
more than anything.
Copy !req
1515. I made my arms short
and I roamed the backyard...
Copy !req
1516. and I chased the neighborhood cats,
and I growled and I roared.
Copy !req
1517. Everybody knew me
and was afraid of me.
Copy !req
1518. And then one day, my dad said:
Copy !req
1519. "Bobby, you're 17. It's time
to throw childish things aside."
Copy !req
1520. And I said, "Okay, Pop."
Copy !req
1521. But he didn't really say that, he said,
"Stop being a dinosaur and get a job."
Copy !req
1522. But, you know, I thought to myself,
"I'll go to medical school...
Copy !req
1523. I'll practice for a little while,
and then I'll come back to it."
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1524. - Dad...
- How is that a skill?
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1525. But I forgot how to do it.
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1526. You're human.
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1527. - You could never be a dinosaur.
- Yeah.
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1528. Hey, I lost it.
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1529. - Dad, what's the point?
- Yeah.
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1530. The point is
don't lose your dinosaur.
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1531. Yeah. You know, I hated
the way you guys were before.
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1532. I mean, I hated you.
Copy !req
1533. But it just kills me to see you
so crushed and normal.
Copy !req
1534. Listen to me, don't listen to me...
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1535. Prestige Worldwide,
that's what you gotta do.
Copy !req
1536. - You're saying we should go for it.
- That's what I'm saying.
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1537. What do you think, Brennan?
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1538. I'm so scared right now.
I'm gonna do what's sensible:
Copy !req
1539. I'm gonna file for unemployment...
Copy !req
1540. and I'm gonna try to get a job
at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
Copy !req
1541. Because they got
a excellent corporate structure...
Copy !req
1542. and they give you the tools
to be your own boss.
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1543. My dad's right.
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1544. This isn't me.
Copy !req
1545. I'm fucking miserable.
I had to get up at 10:00 this morning.
Copy !req
1546. And even though
I just got a tidal wave of nerves...
Copy !req
1547. I'm going up on that stage...
Copy !req
1548. and I'm gonna make beautiful music
for a sad world.
Copy !req
1549. - Dale...
- That's the boy I know.
Copy !req
1550. This crowd's gonna eat him alive.
Copy !req
1551. Wait, what's he doing up there?
Copy !req
1552. Somebody get him
off the fucking stage!
Copy !req
1553. Hi. How you doing?
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1554. My name's Dale Doback,
and I hope you like to kick it.
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1555. Oh, go get them, Dale!
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1556. Boats and ho's
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1557. Get off the stage, you dick!
Copy !req
1558. Stop yelling at him.
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1559. - Terrible!
- Terrible.
Copy !req
1560. He's a human being.
Copy !req
1561. Dale has a mangina
Dale has a mangina
Copy !req
1562. No.
Copy !req
1563. Gotta have me my boats and ho's
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1564. He's up there alone, Brennan.
He's up there alone.
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1565. Gotta have me my boats and ho's
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1566. - You suck!
- What are you doing, Brennan?
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1567. Gotta have me my...
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1568. Brennan, no!
Copy !req
1569. - What did you do?
- Oh, Jesus, Nancy.
Copy !req
1570. I couldn't stand to see him like that.
I miss my son.
Copy !req
1571. All right. Let me go for a few bars.
Come in soft, but then finish strong.
Copy !req
1572. - Okay. Hey, Brennan?
- Yeah.
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1573. - Thanks for coming up.
- You got it, Dragon.
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1574. We got a little change coming up.
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1575. It's my main man Brennan.
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1576. Boats and ho's
Copy !req
1577. Boats and ho's
Copy !req
1578. - You did it, Derek.
- I made a kite fly.
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1579. Brennan, you're the best
big brother ever!
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1580. floor mats. The ones that match
the seats, and I kind of wanted...
Copy !req
1581. I traveled 500 miles
to give you my seed.
Copy !req
1582. Lumberjack!
Copy !req
1583. Rock the fuck
out of those drums, Dale!
Copy !req
1584. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1585. - We're Prestige Worldwide!
- Prestige Worldwide!
Copy !req
1586. - Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
- It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1587. It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1588. Brennan, that was sublime.
Copy !req
1589. Amazing.
We are so proud of you both.
Copy !req
1590. - Thank you.
- Incredible.
Copy !req
1591. - Thank you so much.
- Hey.
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1592. So I made my quota.
Yeah, we sold a shit-ton of copters.
Copy !req
1593. - That's so good.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1594. Look, I'm not great at
this Hallmark stuff...
Copy !req
1595. but, Brennan,
when I look at you now...
Copy !req
1596. I don't wanna kick you
in the head quite as much.
Copy !req
1597. Thanks, man.
Copy !req
1598. - That was beautiful.
- That was nice.
Copy !req
1599. Yeah.
Copy !req
1600. - What do we do now?
- We could hug.
Copy !req
1601. Yeah, you'd like that, faggot.
Sorry. I'm...
Copy !req
1602. Okay.
Copy !req
1603. - It's okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1604. - That's what we've been looking for.
- That's the ticket.
Copy !req
1605. It's fantastic.
Copy !req
1606. We've never done anything like that,
so you can't expect it to be perfect.
Copy !req
1607. It was good.
Copy !req
1608. - Felt good.
- Gotten close to a hug.
Copy !req
1609. - Hello, Brennan. Hi.
- Denise. Hey.
Copy !req
1610. Robert, Mom, Derek,
this is my girlfriend, Denise.
Copy !req
1611. - Hi. How are you?
- Actually, I'm his therapist.
Copy !req
1612. - We are in absolutely no way dating.
- Right.
Copy !req
1613. Brennan told me he was going to
hurl his body off a helicopter...
Copy !req
1614. into shark-infested waters...
Copy !req
1615. so I had a legal obligation
to be here.
Copy !req
1616. I get it.
Copy !req
1617. Don't wanna appear too eager,
and that is a good strategy too.
Copy !req
1618. You are an enabler.
You think you're helping...
Copy !req
1619. - but you're not.
- And you are a keeper.
Copy !req
1620. What'd you think?
Copy !req
1621. Brennan, I thought
you were incredibly brave.
Copy !req
1622. And I mean that...
Copy !req
1623. in strictly the most clinical
and professional sense possible...
Copy !req
1624. with no emotional,
intimate, sexual...
Copy !req
1625. or any other undertones
that you could possibly infer.
Copy !req
1626. God, you're gonna make me cry.
Copy !req
1627. What poem is that from?
Is that James Joyce?
Copy !req
1628. Alice...
Copy !req
1629. - I like making sex with you.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1630. I do. But you're also married.
Copy !req
1631. It's over.
Copy !req
1632. This is crazy. I'm a mother.
Copy !req
1633. I have two children,
I have a husband, a beautiful home.
Copy !req
1634. - I can't be fucking around with you.
- It was fun. It was fun, right?
Copy !req
1635. - It was fun while it lasted.
- I'm glad. All right, well, good luck.
Copy !req
1636. - No.
- Oh, my God, Dale!
Copy !req
1637. - Please don't leave me.
- Oh, my God. Look at that whale.
Copy !req
1638. Where?
Copy !req
1639. Dale!
Copy !req
1640. So I was with Seal...
Copy !req
1641. and we were just taking a chopper
up to Everest base camp...
Copy !req
1642. - and the plot to my Sherpa...
- Derek. Derek.
Copy !req
1643. - Sorry. Okay.
- Remember, we talked about this.
Copy !req
1644. Dale, Brennan.
Tell me about the karaoke business.
Copy !req
1645. Really great, Dad.
Yeah. We call it Karaoke 'n' Roll.
Copy !req
1646. We got six bars, three restaurants,
and two more wanna sign up.
Copy !req
1647. - So it's booming.
- Fantastic.
Copy !req
1648. Most karaoke it's,
"Open to everyone.
Copy !req
1649. - "Hey, just get up and have fun."
- Not you guys.
Copy !req
1650. If you can't sing, just sit down.
That's our motto.
Copy !req
1651. - It's the big leagues.
- You guys are doing so great.
Copy !req
1652. Guys, I have a little Christmas
surprise for Dale and Brennan.
Copy !req
1653. - You wanna see it?
- Yes!
Copy !req
1654. - You bet!
- Let's go look at it! Come on.
Copy !req
1655. - Don't peek.
- I smell cookies.
Copy !req
1656. Be patient. No, no. No, no.
Copy !req
1657. - Just a piñata, isn't it?
- Be patient. Be patient.
Copy !req
1658. - Be patient.
- Did you get me a tiger, Dad?
Copy !req
1659. Okay, open your eyes.
Copy !req
1660. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1661. Holy shit!
Copy !req
1662. Dad, I can't believe
you put the boat in the tree!
Copy !req
1663. This is amazing!
Copy !req
1664. - It's The Gilded Lady. She lives!
- I can't believe it.
Copy !req
1665. - How'd you get it up here?
- Oh, Robert, it's so great.
Copy !req
1666. - Pirate hats!
- Pirate hats!
Copy !req
1667. - Hustlers!
- Hustlers!
Copy !req
1668. Dad, that was so thoughtful!
Copy !req
1669. - Crossbows!
- Crossbows!
Copy !req
1670. You guys finally came to your senses
and got us something cool.
Copy !req
1671. You both know this is
completely fucked up, right?
Copy !req
1672. - Yeah.
- Of course.
Copy !req
1673. But Brennan sure can wear the shit
out of that pirate hat.
Copy !req
1674. - Chewbacca masks!
- Chewbacca masks!
Copy !req
1675. It's okay that mine's
not movie-quality.
Copy !req
1676. But he's like, "No, because you drove
my car last week, so I can't get it."
Copy !req
1677. So I'm like "You're gonna buy it for me
or I'm gonna sock you in the mouth."
Copy !req
1678. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1679. Well, if it isn't Dale Doback
and his little butt buddy.
Copy !req
1680. Sticks and stones
may break my bones...
Copy !req
1681. but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly
in the balls, Gardocki!
Copy !req
1682. Let's get them!
Copy !req
1683. - Where do you think you're going?
- Home.
Copy !req
1684. - We got something to show you.
- Come on.
Copy !req
1685. - You see that white dog crap?
- Do you see it?
Copy !req
1686. - Yeah.
- Not too fun down there, is it?
Copy !req
1687. - No.
- You see?
Copy !req
1688. Your actions have consequences!
Copy !req
1689. When you oppress people,
they rise up in a fiery anger!
Copy !req
1690. Go home.
Copy !req
1691. We're not like you.
We're grown-ups, motherfucker!
Copy !req
1692. Say hi to your dad.
We went to high school together.
Copy !req
1693. The cops'll be here soon.
Copy !req
1694. I guess this is what it feels like
to be grown up.
Copy !req
1695. Hey.
Copy !req
1696. Can I ask you something?
Copy !req
1697. Yeah, of course.
Copy !req
1698. You know back when
you first moved in?
Copy !req
1699. Yeah.
Copy !req
1700. - Did you touch my drum set?
- No, I didn't.
Copy !req
1701. No, really, I won't get mad.
I just wanna know.
Copy !req
1702. No, I know.
You said you wouldn't get mad.
Copy !req
1703. I'm saying I didn't do it.
I didn't do it, I never did it.
Copy !req
1704. - Then I owe you an apology.
- No.
Copy !req
1705. No, you don't, at all. No.
Copy !req
1706. Why wouldn't you take an apology
if you didn't do it?
Copy !req
1707. Just because I'm cool.
It doesn't matter.
Copy !req
1708. You got my passport.
Copy !req
1709. I'm good.
Copy !req
1710. Don't worry, not gonna be late.
Don't worry.
Copy !req