1. Hey, Brennan.
Copy !req
2. Mom, I'm watching the thing
with the lady.
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3. I'm leaving. Okay?
I'll be home around 11.
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4. - Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Brennan.
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5. Let's slowly get those hips up.
Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.
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6. Dale.
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7. Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.
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8. - You leave me money for pizza, Dad?
- Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.
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9. Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.
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10. - But what if I want wings?
- You don't need wings.
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11. That's not enough, Dad!
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12. The RTI cochlear implant...
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13. is the state-of-the-art
implantable hearing device...
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14. due to its input processing of sound
via the speech processor.
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15. But the most exciting
new development...
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16. is the external processor...
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17. which fits directly over the ear...
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18. which eliminates the need to put
your face between those breasts.
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19. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so lost.
And this never happens to me.
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20. My name is Robert, and I play
racquetball. I collect coins.
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21. Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.
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22. I am Nancy Huff. I know
how to make tandoori chicken...
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23. I contribute to NPR
every single year...
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24. and I love the movies
of Rob Reiner.
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25. Pilates changed my life.
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26. I have a boat, and I wanna retire
and sail around the world.
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27. - I love the sea!
- And I drive a Mercedes...
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28. and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale,
who still lives at home.
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29. - What did you just say?
- I knew I shouldn't have told you that.
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30. I have a 39-year-old son
named Brennan...
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31. who still lives at home with me.
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32. I would like to thank all of you...
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33. for being here with us
on this fantastic, wonderful day.
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34. And I would like to raise my glass.
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35. Dale and I wanna welcome you
to our home with open arms.
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36. - Get a room, Dad.
- Oh, for chri... Dale!
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37. Well, as you all know, my youngest
son, Derek, couldn't be here...
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38. because of an important
fishing trip.
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39. But my other son, Brennan, was going
to be moving into his own place...
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40. but he was recently let go
from his job at PetSmart...
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41. so he is gonna be living with us.
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42. I wasn't fired from my job,
I was laid off!
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43. But you wouldn't
know the difference.
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44. I didn't want salmon!
I said it four times.
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45. This wedding is horseshit.
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46. Somebody's awfully quiet
back there.
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47. I'm not gonna call him Dad.
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48. Brennan, you're 39 years old.
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49. I would not expect you
to call him Dad.
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50. Well, I'm not going to, ever.
Even if there's a fire.
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51. Robert better not get in my face...
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52. because I'll drop
that motherfucker.
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53. Jesus, Brennan.
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54. I'm just saying, I think
you gotta think about your options.
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55. I know that you are
technically married now...
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56. but that does not mean
that they have to live here.
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57. Dale, I think it's time for a change
for both of us.
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58. Dad, we're men, okay?
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59. That means a few things.
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60. We like to shit with the door open.
We talk about pussy.
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61. We go on riverboat-gambling trips.
We make our own beef jerky.
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62. That's what we do.
And now that is all wrecked.
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63. We literally have never done
any of those things.
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64. Where did he go to medical school?
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65. He went to Northwestern
and Johns Hopkins.
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66. - Is that good enough for you?
- No, it's not.
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67. Well, Brennan, those are
very prestigious schools.
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68. I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
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69. You don't know anyone
named Johnny Hopkins.
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70. It was Johnny Hopkins
and Sloan Kettering...
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71. and they were
blazing that shit up every day.
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72. All right, here's a scenario
for you, Dad.
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73. Suppose Nancy sees me
coming out of the shower...
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74. and decides to come on to me.
I'm looking good.
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75. I've got a luscious V of hair...
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76. going from my chest pubes
down to my ball-fro.
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77. And she takes one look at me,
and she goes:
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78. "Oh, my God.
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79. I've had the old bull,
now I want the young calf."
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80. - And she grabs me by the wiener.
- Shut the fuck up!
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81. - Come on, Brennan.
- I'm fine here.
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82. - There you are.
- Hi.
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83. Oh, you look so cute
in your moving clothes.
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84. - How was it?
- It was easy.
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85. The movers did everything.
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86. Where's Brennan?
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87. He's still in the car.
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88. It was kind of a rough drive.
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89. Hey, Robert,
what's all the commotion?
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90. - Hey, Don.
- Is that your wife, Nancy?
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91. - Right here, Don.
- Can I come over this afternoon...
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92. and touch your face?
- Sure.
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93. Thanks. Good luck, guys.
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94. We'll see you, Don.
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95. Let's go, Cinnamon.
Heel, Cinnamon.
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96. Heel! Cinnamon!
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97. Cinnamon!
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98. Hi, Dale.
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99. Hey, Nancy. Could you make me
a grilled-cheese sandwich?
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100. - Sure.
- No.
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101. Dale just ate. He's testing you to see
how much he can get away with.
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102. - I see.
- I'm hungry.
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103. Look in your right hand.
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104. - I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't.
- No, no.
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105. No, no. He's fine.
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106. Hey.
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107. Hey.
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108. I'm Brennan.
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109. I'm Dale.
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110. But you have to call me Dragon.
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111. You have to call me Nighthawk.
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112. Brennan.
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113. Please don't do that.
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114. Now, that's enough ketchup.
Come on. Dale.
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115. - I like it.
- That's enough.
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116. Dale, I don't know if you...
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117. You might wanna try this. I make
a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...
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118. For me.
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119. - that Brennan really likes
with his chicken nuggets.
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120. It's my fancy sauce.
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121. Well, when Brennan finishes,
I'll give you some of this, and it's...
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122. It's ketchup and mayonnaise
mixed together, so...
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123. It's so good.
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124. - I want some fancy sauce.
- Yeah.
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125. - I'm not done using it.
- Looks good.
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126. - Can I have fancy sauce?
- Of course. Of course.
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127. - I'm using it right now.
- Okay.
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128. - So let's just let him try some.
- You wanna try it, Dale?
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129. Yeah, I really would like some.
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130. Just one last spoonful.
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131. Hey, I think you've got
enough there, Brennan.
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132. - So here you go.
- Thanks.
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133. It's ketchup and mayonnaise.
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134. - I don't like it. It smells weird.
- Okay.
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135. - I'll try some.
- You want some?
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136. - Sure. Absolutely.
- Okay.
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137. You don't mind, do you, Brennan?
No. Okay.
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138. - Brennan...
- I'm not comfortable...
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139. It's okay. It's probably
not good on fish anyway.
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140. My dad's king of the castle, so if he
wants fancy sauce, he should...
Copy !req
141. - No, it's all right, Dale.
- He can make his own batch.
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142. So you know what?
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143. Today, when you were driving around,
Dale was telling me that he's really...
Copy !req
144. into kung fu, and I was telling him
that you're really into kung fu as well.
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145. I have a green belt.
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146. Read it and weep.
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147. I don't believe in belts.
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148. There should be no
ranking system for toughness.
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149. But one time I wrestled a giraffe
to the ground with my bare hands.
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150. That's not true, Dale.
Don't be ridiculous.
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151. So, Dale, what have you been
working on recently?
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152. Well...
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153. I manage a baseball team.
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154. - Little League?
- Fantasy league.
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155. Take a picture. It'll last longer.
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156. Why don't you stop
being so confrontational, Dale?
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157. I'm not the one staring at me.
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158. So, Brennan, how about you?
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159. I know you used to
work at PetSmart.
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160. - That's right, Mr. Doback.
- Call me Robert.
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161. - That's right, Robin.
- Robert.
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162. Robin.
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163. Actually, Brennan
is a really talented person.
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164. He's a very gifted singer.
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165. - I'm really, really good.
- How good?
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166. I've been called
the songbird of my generation...
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167. by people who've heard me.
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168. That good.
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169. The only trick is
is that Brennan's very...
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170. particular about
who he sings in front of, so...
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171. I'm his mom, for example,
I've only heard him sing twice.
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172. That's funny that you say that,
because I can sing too.
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173. In fact, I'll sing right now.
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174. If you wanna get down
On these hairy balls
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175. - Hey!
- Why don't you jump right in?
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176. It's a crotch party right up in here
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177. - Stop it!
- Why don't you lick on this big joint?
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178. Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!
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179. That's cute.
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180. I remember when I had my first beer.
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181. Ha-Ha-Ha. That's so funny,
the last time I heard that,
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182. I laughed so hard
I fell off my dinosaur.
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183. Stop right now. All right?
Let's just back off.
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184. All right. Brennan, it's okay.
It's okay.
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185. Hey, hey.
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186. - Great, Dale.
- He said a mean thing first.
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187. All right, just...
Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.
Copy !req
188. Okay, sleeping arrangements.
It's gonna be different...
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189. but because Dale refuses
to give up his office drum set...
Copy !req
190. that means that, Brennan, you and
Dale are gonna have to share a room.
Copy !req
191. - But it's just temporary.
- Mom, we didn't talk about this.
Copy !req
192. Well, it's gonna be
an exciting adventure.
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193. You wanna show him the room, Dale?
Show him where he can put his stuff?
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194. - That's nice, thank you.
- Good night, Nancy.
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195. Hey, listen, I like to have
a lot of fresh fruit around...
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196. and chocolate chips
in my pancakes. Okay?
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197. - Write it so you don't forget.
- Show him the room.
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198. She's Mom now, so...
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199. - Good night, Mom.
- Good night, Brennan.
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200. - Good night, Mr. Doback.
- Good night, Brennan.
Copy !req
201. So just a few basic rules
about the house.
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202. If there's any foods that you like...
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203. I suggest you put your name
on them, or they will be thrown out.
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204. By me.
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205. House was built in 1825
by General Custer.
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206. I wanna show you this room.
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207. Hold up.
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208. - You see this room?
- Yeah.
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209. Okay, here's the deal.
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210. This is my office
and my beat laboratory.
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211. Okay?
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212. And this is the one rule of the house:
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213. Don't ever, ever, ever...
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214. touch my drum set.
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215. - You understand?
- Don't go in there and...
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216. - No touching!
- All right!
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217. There. I was at about six there.
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218. You don't wanna see me go to 10.
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219. Get your shit.
We're going to my room.
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220. Honey?
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221. I just found a chain of islands
that we can sail to after New Zealand.
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222. That's wonderful.
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223. You know,
I've been meaning to ask you...
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224. Why is it that Dale never left?
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225. Well, Dale has always
coasted off my accomplishments.
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226. I mean, he left college
his junior year...
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227. because he said he wanted
to join the family business.
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228. - But you're a medical doctor.
- Believe me, I've told him that.
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229. But he just always says,
"It's all about who you know."
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230. I don't know where
he got this sense of entitlement.
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231. Maybe it was his mother passing.
What about Brennan?
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232. From what you've told me...
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233. his younger brother Derek's
been quite successful.
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234. Well, certainly when his father
and I split, that was difficult for him.
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235. And this one time, when Brennan
was 17 and Derek was 14...
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236. and Brennan decided
to enter a talent show.
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237. He sang a song
from an old pirate musical.
Copy !req
238. But Derek got his football buddies
to replace the choir and sing:
Copy !req
239. "Brennan has a mangina."
Copy !req
240. Brennan has a mangina
Brennan has a mangina
Copy !req
241. Finally, the audience and even some
of the nastier parents started singing:
Copy !req
242. "Brennan has a mangina."
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243. And I have to admit, for a little while,
I sort of joined in as well.
Copy !req
244. From that day on,
Brennan never sang again.
Copy !req
245. Derek went on to win the contest
by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."
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246. - Oh, that's a great song.
- It is.
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247. - Hey, you awake?
- Yeah.
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248. I just want you to know I hate you.
So does my dad.
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249. Well, that's fine.
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250. Because guess what.
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251. I hate you too.
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252. And this house sucks ass.
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253. Well, the only reason
you're living here...
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254. is because me and my dad decided
that your mom was really hot...
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255. and maybe we should just
both bang her.
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256. And we'll put up with the retard
in the meantime.
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257. - Who's the retard?
- You.
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258. - Hey, y'all don't say that.
- Shut up.
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259. You'll wake up my dad
and get me grounded.
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260. Just shut up.
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261. You and your mom are hillbillies.
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262. - This is a house of learned doctors.
- You're not a doctor.
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263. You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.
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264. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
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265. - I'm a curly-headed fuck?
- Yeah.
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266. You better not go to sleep.
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267. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna
punch you square in the face.
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268. I hope you stay still
when you sleep...
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269. because I'm putting a rat trap
between your legs.
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270. I'm gonna take a pillowcase
and fill it full of bars of soap...
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271. and beat the shit out of you.
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272. I want you out of my fucking house.
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273. No way, kemosabe.
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274. This is my house now.
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275. How do you like The Gilded Lady?
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276. I wish we could retire right now.
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277. Won't be long.
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278. Oh, God! It's cold!
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279. Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!
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280. Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!
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281. - obviously you guys are hot.
You know?
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282. Just revealed her cover.
I was like, "Wow, this is hot."
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283. A little girl-on-girl.
A little heaven, a little hell.
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284. - Hey.
- Hey.
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285. - Why you so sweaty?
- I was watching Cops.
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286. Not supposed to have
your feet on the couch.
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287. Hey, man.
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288. Did you touch my drum set?
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289. - Nope.
- It's just weird...
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290. because seems like someone
definitely touched my drum set.
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291. Yeah, that is weird.
Because I didn't touch them.
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292. - Hey! Did you touch my drum set?
- Hey, knock it off!
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293. I know you touched my drumstick,
because the left one has a chip in it.
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294. You fucking crazy, man?
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295. You sound insane, do you realize
that? You should be medicated.
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296. Fuck you, Brennan.
I know you touched my drum set.
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297. I wanna hear that
dirty mouth admit it.
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298. You get out of my face,
or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.
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299. You swear on your mom's life
that you didn't touch it!
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300. I don't swear to shit!
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301. That's because you fucking
touched my drum set...
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302. because I know
Cops doesn't start till 4.
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303. - Where are you going?
- I'm going upstairs.
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304. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack
on your drum set. Okay?
Copy !req
305. Don't you do that.
I am warning you right now:
Copy !req
306. If you touch my drums, I will
stab you in the neck with a knife!
Copy !req
307. If you even go in the room,
I will go ape-shit, you hear me?
Copy !req
308. Don't wanna miss a spot.
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309. John Bonham's playing
"Moby Dick" for real!
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310. I swear to God. I swear to God! No!
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311. I warned you.
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312. There's one rule in the house,
and you broke it!
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313. I didn't touch your damn drum set!
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314. I'm pre-diabetic!
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315. You fucking fucker! I'm gonna
rub my balls on your mom's face!
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316. Come back here!
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317. I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!
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318. Your drum set's a whore!
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319. I teabagged your fucking drum set!
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320. Well, my drum set's a guy,
so that makes you gay, you fucker!
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321. I'll kill you!
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322. I think it's gonna go
generic soon, okay?
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323. - Line three.
- Oh, thanks, Miles.
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324. Yeah.
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325. Jules? Wait, what's wrong?
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326. - Back!
- You touched my drum set, you fucker!
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327. Stop it! Stop it!
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328. - Rape! Rape! Rape!
- Stop it! Stop! Stop.
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329. - Stay out of this, Nancy!
- Stop it, you guys.
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330. - Oh, my God, you're hurting him!
- No, Nancy!
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331. Cinnamon! Stop it!
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332. My mom is being eaten by a dog,
there's nothing I can do!
Copy !req
333. - No, a story has a...
- Excuse me.
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334. Dr. Doback, the phone's for you.
I think it's urgent.
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335. Hello?
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336. Robert, they're like animals!
I can't stop them!
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337. Stop screaming. Please.
I'm on my way.
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338. There seems to be some
savage fight going on...
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339. between my son and stepson,
so I...
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340. Family issues, huh?
Copy !req
341. I don't believe in talking about
people's personal lives...
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342. behind their back.
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343. You know nobody likes you, right?
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344. Rape! Rape! Rape!
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345. What's going on?
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346. Robert! They won't... They won't...
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347. - Stop it! Stop it!
- Dale, what...?
Copy !req
348. - Stay out of it, Dad!
- Stop it!
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349. What the fucking fuck?
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350. Someone got some air. Snap.
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351. - I still hate you.
- Still hate you.
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352. Such power. It's raw power.
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353. What are you doing?
It's Shark Week.
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354. Okay, here's the deal:
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355. Number one, you will fix
the fucking drywall now.
Copy !req
356. Number two, you have one month to
find jobs or you're out on your asses.
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357. I will arrange interviews for Monday,
and you will go!
Copy !req
358. Dad, why are you talking
to me like this? I'm your son.
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359. I'm not buying that crap anymore.
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360. Today I saw my own son
use a bicycle as a weapon.
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361. You yelled "rape"
at the top of your lungs.
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362. Mom, I honestly thought
I was gonna be raped for a second.
Copy !req
363. He had the craziest look in his eyes.
Copy !req
364. And at one point he said,
"Let's get it on."
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365. That was about the fighting.
I'm so not a raper.
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366. I didn't touch your drum set, okay?
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367. I witnessed with my eyes
your testicles touching my drum set.
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368. All right, that's it! That's it!
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369. You two guys leave me no choice.
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370. No television for a week.
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371. - What?
- What?
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372. - We are so serious, guys.
- You're fucking high!
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373. Are you out of your mind?
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374. This goes in Robert's wall safe
and it's gonna stay there.
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375. - No!
- Okay.
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376. - This house is a fucking prison!
- On planet Bullshit!
Copy !req
377. In the galaxy of
This Sucks Camel Dicks!
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378. Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.
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379. - Hey.
- You can't catch me.
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380. I gotcha.
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381. I gotcha.
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382. Aunt Carol's on fire!
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383. I don't know where you learned it.
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384. - Well, there's lots more where that...
- My God.
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385. - Oh, no. What happened?
- What the...?
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386. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
387. Maybe Dale left the back door open
and raccoons got in.
Copy !req
388. Nancy? Is this your purse
in the freezer?
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389. Yes. It's Brennan.
Copy !req
390. He sleepwalks and he always
puts my purse in the freezer.
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391. Dale sleepwalks too.
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392. - Are you kidding me?
- I'm not. Look in the oven.
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393. - What's in the...? Couch pillows?
- Couch pillows.
Copy !req
394. Yeah, Dale.
Copy !req
395. Come on.
Copy !req
396. - It's okay.
- It's really hard.
Copy !req
397. It's gonna be fine.
Copy !req
398. They're gonna get jobs,
they'll be gone in a month. A month.
Copy !req
399. Guys.
Copy !req
400. - Guys. Guys!
- I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.
Copy !req
401. The clown has no penis.
Copy !req
402. What kind of dreams
are you guys having?
Copy !req
403. Hey, it's 12:30.
Copy !req
404. Brennan, your brother's
coming today, so get up.
Copy !req
405. - Today?
- Yep.
Copy !req
406. - Shit.
- What's your problem?
Copy !req
407. My little brother's even
a bigger asshole than you are.
Copy !req
408. All right, let's really nail it this time.
Here we go.
Copy !req
409. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
Copy !req
410. All right, Tommy, you're the oldest.
I'm counting on you. Come on.
Copy !req
411. Nice vibrato, buddy.
All right, all right, Alice, let's go.
Copy !req
412. Flat. It's so flat.
Copy !req
413. I can't even... You don't even
look good while you're singing.
Copy !req
414. The worst thing I've ever heard.
Copy !req
415. This is $ 1200 a week for
voice lessons, and this is what I get?
Copy !req
416. Okay, I'm gonna save it
with this solo.
Copy !req
417. I'm Derek
Copy !req
418. And I can sing high like this
Copy !req
419. And I can sing high
Copy !req
420. Jesus!
Copy !req
421. We were so sad you guys
couldn't come to the wedding.
Copy !req
422. - But we completely understand.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
423. You were busy fishing
with Mark Cuban.
Copy !req
424. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, not just the Cubes...
Copy !req
425. but we had Chris Daughtry,
Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.
Copy !req
426. It was insane.
I mean, it was almost too much.
Copy !req
427. My God, that's impressive.
Copy !req
428. Yeah, we were down in the Gulf,
fishing bonito.
Copy !req
429. Robert, have you ever been down
to the Gulf on the bonito run?
Copy !req
430. Always wanted to.
I hear it's amazing.
Copy !req
431. - It is. It's gorgeous.
- Are bonito fish big?
Copy !req
432. What?
Copy !req
433. Don't interrupt
when he's telling a story.
Copy !req
434. - It's fine, Robert.
- I was asking about the story.
Copy !req
435. - What's this guy's deal?
- I don't know, son. It's okay.
Copy !req
436. Well, Dale, they are
what's called a trophy fish.
Copy !req
437. So, yeah, they're pretty big.
Copy !req
438. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
439. Anyway...
Copy !req
440. Oh, God, I'm sorry,
I forget where my story was going.
Copy !req
441. Damn it, Dale.
Copy !req
442. - No...
- Robert.
Copy !req
443. - What?
- What? I asked him.
Copy !req
444. No, he can join in, Robert.
It's really okay.
Copy !req
445. Well, I asked him twice
not to interrupt.
Copy !req
446. Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining
the story. And possibly the evening.
Copy !req
447. It's totally fine.
I have a lot more stories.
Copy !req
448. - Derek, that you do. That you do.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
449. - Guilty as charged with the stories.
- Oh, God, you're impressive.
Copy !req
450. Come on. I love talking to you.
Copy !req
451. From across the room,
I feel like we have a thing.
Copy !req
452. You and me, man. You're my
new stepdad. You're unbelievable.
Copy !req
453. - I never heard that laugh before.
- Dad, why are you acting so weird?
Copy !req
454. Oh, hey, by the way, guys,
where's my bro, Brennan?
Copy !req
455. You're right about your brother.
Total dick.
Copy !req
456. Told you.
Copy !req
457. You know what? I still hate you...
Copy !req
458. but you got a pretty awesome
collection of nudie mags.
Copy !req
459. Yeah, I got them
from the '70s, '80s and '90s.
Copy !req
460. It's like masturbating
in a time machine.
Copy !req
461. Anyway, so I figure by the summer
of 2010, we can probably set sail.
Copy !req
462. But I think about it
every day of my life.
Copy !req
463. Let me ask you this, Bob,
why wait two years?
Copy !req
464. - Well, I gotta make more money.
- Okay, look.
Copy !req
465. I hear you, believe me.
Copy !req
466. But what if I were to tell you
that I could sell this house...
Copy !req
467. for 30 percent above market?
Copy !req
468. - That'd be great. Could you do it?
- Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.
Copy !req
469. Look, I got my real-estate license
a few years back for shits and gigs.
Copy !req
470. I'd do it for four-fifths commish...
Copy !req
471. because you know what really
gets my dick hard?
Copy !req
472. Helping out my friends.
Copy !req
473. That'd be fantastic.
That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.
Copy !req
474. - No, it would be kick-ass, bro.
- Oh, man.
Copy !req
475. Right there.
Copy !req
476. What about Dale and Brennan?
Copy !req
477. Because they haven't
even gotten jobs yet.
Copy !req
478. God, change the record.
Copy !req
479. Sweet!
Copy !req
480. Robert. Don't talk to me like that
in front of my son.
Copy !req
481. Oh, come on. We're talking about
our dream, the boat. Come on.
Copy !req
482. Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it
all needs to be done in good time.
Copy !req
483. I'm just saying give it some thought,
okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.
Copy !req
484. Holy shit, triplets.
Copy !req
485. It's true, three's company.
Copy !req
486. - It shows tons of bush.
- Hey, hey, careful.
Copy !req
487. Careful with that. You're crinkling.
Copy !req
488. That's a collector's item.
It's worth a lot of money.
Copy !req
489. What's up, faggots?
Copy !req
490. What's up, man? What, you're not
gonna come down, say hi to me?
Copy !req
491. Hi, Derek.
Copy !req
492. Whoa, calm down, man.
I'm just joking.
Copy !req
493. You guys, I really like
your guys' setup up here.
Copy !req
494. What is your problem, man?
Copy !req
495. My problem? I don't know.
I don't have a problem, Dale.
Copy !req
496. Actually, I have the opposite
of a problem:
Copy !req
497. I made over 550 K last year.
How much did you make?
Copy !req
498. - It's not about money.
- No, it's not about money.
Copy !req
499. Well, for me,
it's a little bit about money...
Copy !req
500. and I made
that much money last year.
Copy !req
501. I am the VP of the biggest...
Copy !req
502. executive-helicopter-leasing
company on the Western Seaboard.
Copy !req
503. Okay? I haven't had a carb
since 2004.
Copy !req
504. Check these out. See these?
See these boys?
Copy !req
505. This is what I live with.
Copy !req
506. Every day I lather this up
with Kiehl's in the shower.
Copy !req
507. You wanna touch this shit?
You wanna touch these bad boys?
Copy !req
508. Sorry, not gonna happen.
Copy !req
509. Is there something you want?
Copy !req
510. I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.
Copy !req
511. I told her it'd count as her
Christmas present, so...
Copy !req
512. No. I'm never gonna work for you.
Copy !req
513. Fine. I don't care.
Copy !req
514. The truth is I just smoked a J
out in my car a few minutes ago...
Copy !req
515. so feeling a little spacy.
Copy !req
516. Know what I'm say...?
What's up with you, man?
Copy !req
517. What you looking at, kemosabe?
Copy !req
518. You...
Copy !req
519. You wanna punch me right now.
Copy !req
520. You wanna punch me right now,
but you won't.
Copy !req
521. You wanna punch me too?
Copy !req
522. You guys both look like you might
wanna hit me in the face.
Copy !req
523. You do, I can tell.
Well, why don't you do it?
Copy !req
524. Why don't you punch me
in the face?
Copy !req
525. Punch me in the fucking face!
Copy !req
526. - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my shoulder!
Copy !req
527. That was awesome.
Copy !req
528. Mom! Mom!
Copy !req
529. Derek, know what's always good
for shoulder pain?
Copy !req
530. - What?
- If you lick my butthole.
Copy !req
531. Snap!
Copy !req
532. - Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby.
- Sure.
Copy !req
533. Aside from that retard trying to punch
me, it was a pretty good evening.
Copy !req
534. - It was our pleasure, son.
- Why are you calling him that?
Copy !req
535. Oh, don't, don't.
Copy !req
536. Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock
you recommended, Tommy.
Copy !req
537. Excuse me.
Copy !req
538. - Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife.
- Hi.
Copy !req
539. Is it true you struck Derek in the face
and he fell from the tree house?
Copy !req
540. Yeah. He asked me to.
Copy !req
541. Oh, that's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.
Copy !req
542. I want you to know that tonight...
Copy !req
543. I am gonna pleasure myself to
the image of you doing that to Derek.
Copy !req
544. You know what I mean?
Copy !req
545. Masturbate.
Copy !req
546. I am.
Copy !req
547. Oh, Dale.
Copy !req
548. You are something.
Copy !req
549. You are something.
Copy !req
550. You're something too.
Copy !req
551. I wanna roll you into a little ball
and shove you up my vagina.
Copy !req
552. You could just live there.
It's warm and it's cozy.
Copy !req
553. In your vagina?
Copy !req
554. I wanna walk around with you
in there and just know that...
Copy !req
555. whenever I feel a little tickle
or scratch...
Copy !req
556. that it's just your hair
up my vagina.
Copy !req
557. Please, just do it for me.
Copy !req
558. What's happening?
Copy !req
559. Kiss me.
Copy !req
560. I know. I know. It's too much.
Copy !req
561. It's too much.
Copy !req
562. I hate my life, Dale.
Copy !req
563. Dale, I hate my life!
I have nobody to talk to.
Copy !req
564. - Well, you seemed okay at the di...
- Please.
Copy !req
565. Alice! Honey, come on!
Copy !req
566. Dane Cook, pay-per-view,
20 minutes. Let's go!
Copy !req
567. Coming, honey!
I'm just talking to Dale.
Copy !req
568. This is so stupid.
Copy !req
569. Call me.
Copy !req
570. - I love you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
571. - Hey. What'd she want?
- What?
Copy !req
572. Nothing. Who's...? Who?
Copy !req
573. Alice.
Copy !req
574. We were just talking. Not...
It was not about sex or anything.
Copy !req
575. I can't believe you hit Derek.
Copy !req
576. I know. Did you see
the expression on his face?
Copy !req
577. - That was cool.
- Listen.
Copy !req
578. I know that we started out as foe.
Copy !req
579. But after that courageous act...
Copy !req
580. that you showed me
against the one they call Derek...
Copy !req
581. maybe someday
we could become friends.
Copy !req
582. Friends who ride majestic,
translucent steeds...
Copy !req
583. shooting flaming arrows
across the Bridge of Hemdale.
Copy !req
584. I would follow you into the mists
of Avalon, if that's what you mean.
Copy !req
585. Do you wanna see something cool
that only three people have seen?
Copy !req
586. Okay, open your eyes.
Copy !req
587. See that black smudge
right there on the blade?
Copy !req
588. - Yeah.
- Look at it closely.
Copy !req
589. - Pretty recognizable signature.
- No.
Copy !req
590. Randy Jackson from American Idol.
Copy !req
591. Why do you have Randy Jackson's
autograph on a martial-arts weapon?
Copy !req
592. I bumped into him
and all I had was this sword...
Copy !req
593. and you're not gonna not get
Randy Jackson's autograph.
Copy !req
594. I would've done
the exact same thing.
Copy !req
595. Now, do you wanna see
something really cool?
Copy !req
596. - Of course.
- Turn off the lights.
Copy !req
597. Industrial-strength
night-vision goggles.
Copy !req
598. Holy Santa Claus shit.
Copy !req
599. Can you imagine if we had these
when we were 12?
Copy !req
600. Even better.
We got them when we're 40.
Copy !req
601. You know what's amazing? They're
not that noticeable on your face.
Copy !req
602. - Right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
603. I can't believe I've been living here
for two weeks...
Copy !req
604. and I'm walking
around this place...
Copy !req
605. thinking I've got a huge doucher
for a stepbrother.
Copy !req
606. Secretly, you're not a doucher.
Copy !req
607. Let's play a game, all right?
Copy !req
608. On the count of three,
name your favorite dinosaur.
Copy !req
609. Don't even think about it, just name it.
Ready? One, two, three.
Copy !req
610. - Velociraptor.
- Velociraptor.
Copy !req
611. Favorite non-pornographic magazine
to masturbate to.
Copy !req
612. - Good Housekeeping.
- Good Housekeeping.
Copy !req
613. If you were a chick, who's
the one guy you'd sleep with?
Copy !req
614. - John Stamos.
- John Stamos.
Copy !req
615. - What?
- Did we just become best friends?
Copy !req
616. Yep.
Copy !req
617. Do you wanna go do karate
in the garage?
Copy !req
618. Yup!
Copy !req
619. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
620. I think they're starting to
like each other.
Copy !req
621. I got a really bad feeling about this.
Copy !req
622. - Sword fight!
- I know.
Copy !req
623. Sword fight!
Copy !req
624. - Exactly the same!
- I know! That's so weird.
Copy !req
625. Now you're in trouble.
Copy !req
626. - Come on!
- No!
Copy !req
627. They're betting against you,
but you can do it!
Copy !req
628. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
629. Is this a bad time?
Copy !req
630. What the hell's going on?
Copy !req
631. Ma, Mr. Doback, okay,
Dale and I were just...
Copy !req
632. Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.
Copy !req
633. Sorry. Okay.
Copy !req
634. Mom, Doback...
Copy !req
635. we think it would be very prudent...
Copy !req
636. - Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
- Yes.
Copy !req
637. Why are you guys so sweaty?
Copy !req
638. We've already figured out how.
The beds match up perfectly.
Copy !req
639. It would give us so much extra space
in our room to do activities.
Copy !req
640. Please say yes.
Copy !req
641. You don't need our permission
to build bunk beds.
Copy !req
642. You're adults.
You can do what you want.
Copy !req
643. So?
Copy !req
644. I'm not making myself clear.
Copy !req
645. I don't give a fuck.
Copy !req
646. Now, you both have
several interviews tomorrow.
Copy !req
647. I would think you'd be focused
on that and not building bunk beds.
Copy !req
648. - So?
- So?
Copy !req
649. - We can? No?
- Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.
Copy !req
650. - I knew it.
- Okay. You are not gonna regret this.
Copy !req
651. We'll get so much more
activities done.
Copy !req
652. This is the funnest night ever!
Copy !req
653. This is so scary.
Copy !req
654. - How you doing over there?
- Really good.
Copy !req
655. Okay.
Copy !req
656. Does your son know anything
about carpentry?
Copy !req
657. No, not a th... Did I hear a drill?
Copy !req
658. - Dale! Dale, no power tools!
- Power tools.
Copy !req
659. - What?
- No power tools!
Copy !req
660. - No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth.
- That is not your toothbrush.
Copy !req
661. Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.
Copy !req
662. - We did it.
- We did it!
Copy !req
663. It looks amazing!
Copy !req
664. Look at that! That looks like
what you'd buy from a store!
Copy !req
665. - Should've been a bunk bed all along.
- Look at this space.
Copy !req
666. - We could do aerobics in here.
- So many activities!
Copy !req
667. - Do step class.
- It's making my head spin...
Copy !req
668. how many activities we can do.
- Play Army men.
Copy !req
669. - Yeah.
- Come on.
Copy !req
670. Hey, I never asked you.
Do you like guacamole?
Copy !req
671. Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!
Copy !req
672. Brennan! Brennan!
Copy !req
673. Dad. Nancy. It's bad.
Copy !req
674. It's so bad.
There's blood everywhere.
Copy !req
675. The bunk beds were a terrible idea.
Why'd you let us do that?
Copy !req
676. It's so bad!
Copy !req
677. How would you describe that?
Copy !req
678. - It's not so bad.
- Right. See?
Copy !req
679. Put your beds back.
Copy !req
680. Rumpus time is over.
Copy !req
681. You got a big day tomorrow.
You need your eight hours.
Copy !req
682. And although she was 88 years old,
she never stopped believing.
Copy !req
683. It's 8:20 in the a.m.
Copy !req
684. Coming up next, a recent study
by the American Council...
Copy !req
685. Look at her. She's hot.
Copy !req
686. Okay, guys, this is it.
Good luck. Don't be late.
Copy !req
687. Dad, I need to borrow
some clothes for the interview...
Copy !req
688. since I don't have
any fancy clothes.
Copy !req
689. You go in my closet, take whatever
you need. You guys gotta look sharp.
Copy !req
690. This is the most important
day of our lives.
Copy !req
691. - Okay.
- No pressure, no pressure.
Copy !req
692. - All right? Relax.
- Okay.
Copy !req
693. I gotta go. I gotta go.
Copy !req
694. This is your day.
Remember that. You own it.
Copy !req
695. - This is your one day!
- All right.
Copy !req
696. Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener
is ready for your interview.
Copy !req
697. Actually, we'll be
interviewing as a team.
Copy !req
698. We're here to fuck shit up.
Copy !req
699. Move it!
Copy !req
700. Hey!
Copy !req
701. Well, Brennan, you certainly
have had a lot of jobs.
Copy !req
702. I'm a bit of a spark plug.
Copy !req
703. And, Human Resources lady,
when I think...
Copy !req
704. - You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
705. - Well, Pan...
- No, my name is Pam.
Copy !req
706. - Are you saying Pan or Pam?
- I'm saying Pam.
Copy !req
707. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this
gentleman sitting behind you?
Copy !req
708. Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale.
I'm Brennan's stepbrother...
Copy !req
709. and I think I might be able to help
with the Pan-Pam dilemma.
Copy !req
710. - Yeah, that'd be great.
- Pam.
Copy !req
711. - Pan.
- Pam.
Copy !req
712. - Pand. There's a D on the end.
- With an M.
Copy !req
713. - There's no D. It's Pam.
- It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.
Copy !req
714. - N-N. There's two N's.
- Two M's. That was the confusion.
Copy !req
715. No, there's just one M.
Copy !req
716. What do you say we interview you?
Copy !req
717. All right. Yes, that's a
sometimes-useful exercise.
Copy !req
718. Please put your hand down.
Copy !req
719. Go ahead.
Copy !req
720. How much money do you make
a year before taxes?
Copy !req
721. Okay, I'm actually not comfortable
answering that.
Copy !req
722. - Come on!
- We're doing the interview, not you.
Copy !req
723. Here's a shot out of a cannon:
Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.
Copy !req
724. You gotta fuck one,
marry one, kill one. Go!
Copy !req
725. I think we're done here. Thank you.
Copy !req
726. Mr. Huff, under your references,
you listed Dale Doback...
Copy !req
727. which I know is this gentleman,
but you also listed...
Copy !req
728. "Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior."
- Yeah.
Copy !req
729. Yeah, we are looking for people
we can contact.
Copy !req
730. We wanna tell you the stuff
we're not good at.
Copy !req
731. - Our weaknesses.
- So we're clear up front.
Copy !req
732. - Okay.
- We're not generally comfortable...
Copy !req
733. in an office setting, I would say.
- I get cooped up.
Copy !req
734. I won't go into an office
that's ever been used before.
Copy !req
735. I am no good before 11 a.m.
Copy !req
736. I also get headaches from computers,
so I can't be around them too long.
Copy !req
737. I take stuff.
Copy !req
738. I need someone to go up and down
with me in the elevator.
Copy !req
739. I have a weakness for sweets.
Copy !req
740. Other weaknesses?
Copy !req
741. We're slow learners and we're
not particularly good listeners.
Copy !req
742. - That'll be a huge problem.
- We're also slow learners.
Copy !req
743. First of all,
I needed someone to work...
Copy !req
744. Wait, shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.
Copy !req
745. I think we've had enough...
Copy !req
746. - Shush up for one second.
- Shut your mouth.
Copy !req
747. - Wait, shut your mouth.
- I'm sorry, what did you just say?
Copy !req
748. - You're just coming off stupid.
- I'm coming off stupid?
Copy !req
749. You're wearing tuxedos to a job that
requires you to clean bathrooms.
Copy !req
750. - Please leave this office, we're done.
- Do we get any sort of souvenir?
Copy !req
751. Get out of my office!
Copy !req
752. I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind
hanging out with for 12 hours a day.
Copy !req
753. You guys seem like cool guys.
Copy !req
754. Got hair similar to mine,
you wear tuxedos to the interview.
Copy !req
755. That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.
Copy !req
756. Underplaying the whole formality of it.
I think that's funny as hell.
Copy !req
757. So let's do this, you know?
You guys are hired. You're in.
Copy !req
758. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever
and I don't see it.
Copy !req
759. Great.
Copy !req
760. - Was that a fart?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
761. I can taste it.
Copy !req
762. On my tongue.
Copy !req
763. Okay, I'll be honest with you.
I did fart.
Copy !req
764. Is that onion? Onion and...
Onion and ketchup.
Copy !req
765. - It stinks. And this is a small room.
- Shit.
Copy !req
766. Okay, now the tuxedos
seem kind of fucked up.
Copy !req
767. God. We were so close.
Copy !req
768. So, what do we do for jobs?
Is your dad really gonna kick us out?
Copy !req
769. Listen, don't worry about my dad.
Copy !req
770. Got him sewn up.
Copy !req
771. We've gotta start thinking bigger,
though, Brennan.
Copy !req
772. Listen, what are you really good at?
Copy !req
773. Singing. I'm a world-class singer.
Copy !req
774. See? Right there,
that's an amazing skill.
Copy !req
775. Now, what am I good at?
Copy !req
776. I can shred on the drums
and I'm a marketing wiz.
Copy !req
777. Put all that together,
what do you get?
Copy !req
778. - I don't know, a band?
- No, that's been done before.
Copy !req
779. Even better: we are gonna start an
international entertainment company.
Copy !req
780. The biggest and the best.
Copy !req
781. And we're gonna call it
Prestige Worldwide.
Copy !req
782. That sounds so cool.
Copy !req
783. I feel like a lightning bolt
hit the tip of my penis.
Copy !req
784. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
785. We're brothers. This is why we met.
Copy !req
786. - To form this alliance, right?
- Right?
Copy !req
787. That's why our parents met,
so this idea could happen.
Copy !req
788. - Okay, what do we do?
- We get to work.
Copy !req
789. And we hit the beat laboratory
right now. Let's go.
Copy !req
790. - What?
- Wait.
Copy !req
791. What time is it?
Copy !req
792. - 4:30.
- 4:30.
Copy !req
793. 4:32.
Copy !req
794. - I can't go down Whitworth right now.
- Okay.
Copy !req
795. We should go this way.
Copy !req
796. - What's up?
- Chris Gardocki.
Copy !req
797. - What?
- He gets in my face...
Copy !req
798. and I just don't wanna
deal with the hassle now.
Copy !req
799. - Are you this scared?
- Can we please go the long way?
Copy !req
800. - Down Cutler?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
801. But that's 45 minutes.
Copy !req
802. You're gonna shame me
into doing this.
Copy !req
803. - You sound stupid.
- You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.
Copy !req
804. Oh, man.
Copy !req
805. Oh, God, there they are.
Copy !req
806. Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?
Copy !req
807. - Let's make him lick dog shit.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
808. Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.
Copy !req
809. Is that your boyfriend?
Is that your butt buddy?
Copy !req
810. Look, Mr. Gardocki,
just leave me alone, will you?
Copy !req
811. Shut your mouth, esé.
Copy !req
812. You guys just go back and have fun
on your jungle gym, okay?
Copy !req
813. Does butt buddy have a name?
Copy !req
814. If you're referring to me as
butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.
Copy !req
815. It's Brennan Huff.
Copy !req
816. If you don't come over here
and lick that white dog shit...
Copy !req
817. I'm gonna plow into your nose
with my fist.
Copy !req
818. - I'm not licking any white dog shit.
- I'll lick the shit if you leave us alone.
Copy !req
819. Dale, you're not licking
dog shit, okay? They're kids.
Copy !req
820. - Brennan, it's just dog shit.
- It's ridiculous!
Copy !req
821. - Hello, how are...?
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
822. Leave him alone! Leave him alone!
Copy !req
823. Get them!
Copy !req
824. So maybe you don't
go down that way anymore.
Copy !req
825. Maybe you go the long way home.
Copy !req
826. That's what we talked about.
We'll take the long way home.
Copy !req
827. You know in that one scene
in The Wizard of Oz...
Copy !req
828. when the flying monkeys
pull apart the Scarecrow?
Copy !req
829. That's what it was like.
Copy !req
830. - It's okay, it's okay.
- I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
831. Is my dad mad about
the stuff that happened?
Copy !req
832. Robert was very upset, yes.
Copy !req
833. He knows that you interviewed
as a team.
Copy !req
834. And he heard about the fart.
Copy !req
835. - Oh, he did?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
836. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?
Copy !req
837. - No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
- It was not silent.
Copy !req
838. Just kept going, and it made a sound.
It was embarrassing.
Copy !req
839. It got louder.
Copy !req
840. So listen, Bobby,
I'll get those keys made tomorrow...
Copy !req
841. and then we'll start setting up times.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
842. - Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
Copy !req
843. - Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
844. - Always nice to see you.
- You too.
Copy !req
845. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
846. Looks like your
free ride's over, huh?
Copy !req
847. Have fun living on the streets.
Copy !req
848. Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys.
Bye, Mom.
Copy !req
849. - Bye.
- See you, buddy.
Copy !req
850. What was he doing here?
Copy !req
851. We're putting the house
on the market.
Copy !req
852. - Where are we moving?
- Is the house haunted?
Copy !req
853. Nancy and I are retiring...
Copy !req
854. and sailing around the world
on my boat.
Copy !req
855. We are living the dream.
Copy !req
856. Well, what about us?
Copy !req
857. I'm sorry. Robert... We thought that...
Copy !req
858. you should take responsibility
for your own lives.
Copy !req
859. This is the exciting part:
Copy !req
860. We're going to put enough
money in your accounts...
Copy !req
861. for a security deposit
on an apartment.
Copy !req
862. What's this all about?
Copy !req
863. More than just money, we're gonna get
you another kind of support as well.
Copy !req
864. You're both gonna see therapists.
Nancy thinks it'll help.
Copy !req
865. - Guys, that's nonnegotiable.
- Hold on. We're not going on the boat...
Copy !req
866. Derek's selling the house,
we have to go to therapy?
Copy !req
867. - What the fuck happened?
- Hey!
Copy !req
868. Look, I know this seems
really, really sudden...
Copy !req
869. and just sort of unfair
and cruel and...
Copy !req
870. - But it's nonnegotiable.
- But it's nonnegotiable.
Copy !req
871. I got a bellyful
of white dog crap in me...
Copy !req
872. and now you lay this shit on me?
Copy !req
873. You're adults. It's time
you started acting like adults.
Copy !req
874. - Mom.
- I'm not backing down, Brennan.
Copy !req
875. Don't even try.
Copy !req
876. I know it seems hard,
but it's the best thing for both of you.
Copy !req
877. We do it because we love you.
Copy !req
878. Dad, I'm doing this because
I love you: fuck you.
Copy !req
879. - Anything else?
- No.
Copy !req
880. Bon voyage! Have a great time!
Copy !req
881. Hey, what's up, Derek?
Copy !req
882. Yeah.
Copy !req
883. - Know what?
- Look what I got.
Copy !req
884. I'm sitting here thinking we finally got
a family together here...
Copy !req
885. and now it's about to be taken away
because they think we're losers.
Copy !req
886. - Because they don't understand us?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
887. They don't get that this lifestyle
is a choice.
Copy !req
888. And all they think about
is that stupid boat.
Copy !req
889. I swear, I'm so pissed off
at my mom.
Copy !req
890. As soon as she is of age,
I'm putting her in a home.
Copy !req
891. We have got to get
Prestige Worldwide going.
Copy !req
892. It's the thing that's
gonna save this family.
Copy !req
893. I was thinking we should
have a investor presentation...
Copy !req
894. like on The Apprentice.
Copy !req
895. We gotta start
with some capital somewhere.
Copy !req
896. Here's the thing, though:
Copy !req
897. If we're gonna start
a huge multinational corporation...
Copy !req
898. I have to hear you sing.
Copy !req
899. Can't you just trust that
I'm a really, really good singer?
Copy !req
900. Just one song, so I know
what your voice sounds like.
Copy !req
901. Yeah, yeah. I'll just do it.
Copy !req
902. No big deal. I'll just dive into it
and just start singing.
Copy !req
903. Jesus, my heart is beating
so fast right now.
Copy !req
904. Okay, just do it. Just do it.
Copy !req
905. Just...
Copy !req
906. You know, I don't know.
Copy !req
907. I didn't sing too loud, because I don't
wanna wake up Robert and Nancy.
Copy !req
908. My throat's sore. I've had
a sore throat for a month and a half.
Copy !req
909. And this is not an acoustic
environment that's suitable...
Copy !req
910. to request this from me.
Copy !req
911. You gotta know,
I'm not just some guy.
Copy !req
912. Brennan, that is
the voice of an angel.
Copy !req
913. Brennan, I can't even make
eye contact with you right now.
Copy !req
914. Your voice is like a combination
of Fergie and Jesus.
Copy !req
915. Why can't you do that
in front of people?
Copy !req
916. Are you messing with me right now?
Copy !req
917. It's me, Dale.
Copy !req
918. You're good.
Copy !req
919. - I know.
- This is gonna sound weird...
Copy !req
920. but for a second, I think
you took on the shape of a unicorn.
Copy !req
921. I felt like I was hovering
above my own body...
Copy !req
922. watching myself sing.
Copy !req
923. Now, let's move on
to other business.
Copy !req
924. First thing tomorrow, we gotta get
cracking on this investor presentation.
Copy !req
925. And guess what else.
This just came to me.
Copy !req
926. - We're making a music video.
- Yeah!
Copy !req
927. What do we do about Derek
and the house?
Copy !req
928. Don't worry about him.
Copy !req
929. Oh, it's a great "nabe."
Copy !req
930. Frank Gifford
used to live down the block.
Copy !req
931. - The Giff?
- Yeah, the Giff. Right down the block.
Copy !req
932. I'm getting
a really good feeling about this.
Copy !req
933. I am so glad.
Copy !req
934. You get us that 10-year
interest-only loan, we got a deal.
Copy !req
935. Hey, fuckers!
Welcome to the neighborhood!
Copy !req
936. - My name is Craig.
- The neighbor is a Nazi?
Copy !req
937. You guys ever need fertilizer,
I've got a lot of it. Close to 80 tons.
Copy !req
938. Hey, folks! How you doing?
You're gonna love this neighborhood.
Copy !req
939. Every single house here recycles.
Copy !req
940. - Okay, we're done here.
- Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
941. Hey, Derek, sprechen sie dick.
Copy !req
942. Dale, I don't know how much
you know about therapy...
Copy !req
943. but it usually starts by you
telling me something about yourself.
Copy !req
944. I work at a college as a janitor...
Copy !req
945. even though I'm smarter
than most of the people there.
Copy !req
946. Sometimes I see an equation
written on a blackboard...
Copy !req
947. like half an equation,
and I'll just figure it out.
Copy !req
948. - Is this Good Will Hunting?
- No.
Copy !req
949. It sounds a lot like the plot
of Good Will Hunting.
Copy !req
950. Yeah. Anyway.
My best friend is Ben Affleck...
Copy !req
951. So I thought we'd begin
talking about your parents' divorce.
Copy !req
952. Okay.
Copy !req
953. How old were you
when they got divorced?
Copy !req
954. - Fifteen.
- That's a hard age.
Copy !req
955. - Yes. Yeah.
- Do you wanna talk...
Copy !req
956. about some of those feelings?
- I love you.
Copy !req
957. - Obviously, you don't know me.
- I love you so much.
Copy !req
958. Thank you. And I will take that
as a feeling that you have...
Copy !req
959. of comfortability with me.
Copy !req
960. It's more than comfortability.
Copy !req
961. - I mean, I fucking love you.
- Okay. I th...
Copy !req
962. I'm just thinking
about our life together.
Copy !req
963. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud.
Copy !req
964. My penis is tingling right now.
Copy !req
965. - That is so off-putting.
- You're not feeling this?
Copy !req
966. In no way, shape or form do I feel
any feelings of intimacy towards you...
Copy !req
967. in any way whatsoever.
Copy !req
968. You got a really dope
front lawn here.
Copy !req
969. You and your homeboys
can play on that.
Copy !req
970. - You can just say "It looks good."
- Yeah.
Copy !req
971. No, that's how I talk.
Copy !req
972. Oh, you got a really fresh
entryway here. Pretty awesome.
Copy !req
973. - show you the front of the house,
which is actual...
Copy !req
974. Will you vultures please give us some
privacy? He just died last night.
Copy !req
975. What is going on here?
Copy !req
976. It was the asbestos in here,
that's what did it!
Copy !req
977. I've seen too many dead bodies.
Copy !req
978. - I can't be in here. I can't.
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
979. - Not bad.
- Eat shit, Derek.
Copy !req
980. - Awesome B-day party, broheisens.
- You the man, Derek.
Copy !req
981. Okay, who's this from? TJ?
Copy !req
982. Where are
the rest of my gifts, dude?
Copy !req
983. Totally joking around, TJ.
Copy !req
984. All right.
Copy !req
985. Oh, yes! Yes! Callaway 3-wood.
Copy !req
986. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
987. Yeah.
Copy !req
988. - Bomb it down the fairway, bitches!
- That's right.
Copy !req
989. Hi, my name is Jim.
Wanna suck my dick for money?
Copy !req
990. - It's just me. Hi.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
991. What are you doing?
This is the men's bathroom.
Copy !req
992. Happy anniversary.
Copy !req
993. - It's our second date.
- What?
Copy !req
994. Listen, I'm sick of being
all coy and bashful, Dale. Okay?
Copy !req
995. - We're in the bathroom.
- This'll just take a minute.
Copy !req
996. There's really little you can
do about it. Let me just hop on.
Copy !req
997. It's all slippery.
Copy !req
998. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
999. It's getting tingly.
Something's gonna happen, Alice!
Copy !req
1000. Oh, we just had sex.
Copy !req
1001. - Just the way I imagined it.
- I like you.
Copy !req
1002. I love you.
Copy !req
1003. - Stay golden, Ponyboy. I gotta pee.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1004. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1005. You're incredible.
Copy !req
1006. Say hello to my little friend.
Copy !req
1007. - Just kidding. It's from Scarface.
- Scarface.
Copy !req
1008. Shut the fuck up!
Copy !req
1009. - Sweet-ass gift, Teej.
- Yeah, not bad.
Copy !req
1010. - I got it all mapped out.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1011. - I'm following your lead, though.
- I'll get all eyes on us.
Copy !req
1012. - Okay.
- Just like we planned.
Copy !req
1013. And then we'll drop the hammer.
Copy !req
1014. What were Dale and Brennan doing
with my video camera, do you know?
Copy !req
1015. I have no idea. And frankly,
I really don't care. So...
Copy !req
1016. I would like to say a few things.
Copy !req
1017. Derek, you are an outstanding
young man, son.
Copy !req
1018. And I would like say that
this is the image I have:
Copy !req
1019. That sometimes when I'm making love
to your mother and I realize that...
Copy !req
1020. this is where you came from,
that I'm so moved...
Copy !req
1021. that I talked to my lawyer,
and not only are you going to be...
Copy !req
1022. in my heart forever, but you're
going to be in my will, young man.
Copy !req
1023. - Okay. Okay.
- Okay?
Copy !req
1024. - Robert, that was fucking awesome.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1025. You got a lot of this, buddy.
And you got a lot of these.
Copy !req
1026. Thank you.
Copy !req
1027. Everyone, if I could have
your attention, please.
Copy !req
1028. For those of you
who don't know me...
Copy !req
1029. my name's Dale Doback.
- Check. Check.
Copy !req
1030. I'm Robert's other son,
the biological one.
Copy !req
1031. Check. Check.
Copy !req
1032. Probably wondering
why we gathered you here tonight...
Copy !req
1033. besides Derek's birthday.
Copy !req
1034. We got a special surprise for you,
Derek, and everybody here...
Copy !req
1035. - Check, check.
- Check.
Copy !req
1036. - Dale. No, please.
- Don't interrupt them.
Copy !req
1037. - I'm begging you.
- You wanna shut this down?
Copy !req
1038. - Just hold on.
- Derek, for your birthday...
Copy !req
1039. we thought we'd roll out...
Copy !req
1040. a once-in-a-lifetime
business opportunity.
Copy !req
1041. Happy birthday, Derek.
Copy !req
1042. Music.
Copy !req
1043. Prestige Worldwide,
wide, wide, wide.
Copy !req
1044. Prestige Worldwide.
Copy !req
1045. - The first word in entertainment.
- First word.
Copy !req
1046. - Management.
- Financial portfolios.
Copy !req
1047. - Insurance.
- Computers.
Copy !req
1048. - Black leather gloves.
- Research and development.
Copy !req
1049. Putting in the man-hours to study
the science of what you need.
Copy !req
1050. Last week we put Liquid Paper
on a bee...
Copy !req
1051. and it died.
Copy !req
1052. - Security.
- Security.
Copy !req
1053. - And...
- And.
Copy !req
1054. - Possibly you.
- Possibly you.
Copy !req
1055. - Oh, this is classic. This is...
- We'd like to present...
Copy !req
1056. the world premiere of Prestige
Worldwide's first music video...
Copy !req
1057. by our first act, Huff and Doback.
Copy !req
1058. - Roll it.
- Roll it.
Copy !req
1059. Pay close attention, Dad.
It's gonna look familiar.
Copy !req
1060. - This is... This is perfect.
- Is that my boat?
Copy !req
1061. Yes, it is.
Copy !req
1062. What are you doing on my boat?
Copy !req
1063. The Niña, the Pinta
The Santa María
Copy !req
1064. I'll do you in the bottom
While you're drinking sangria
Copy !req
1065. Nachos and Lemonheads
On my dad's boat
Copy !req
1066. You won't go down
'Cause my dick can float
Copy !req
1067. We sail around the world
And go port to port
Copy !req
1068. Every time I come
I produce a quart
Copy !req
1069. That is offensive. Brennan, Dale.
Copy !req
1070. I gotta have me my boats and ho's
Copy !req
1071. Deadliest Catch without the crabs
Copy !req
1072. We're almost out of gas
Call the Arabs
Copy !req
1073. Pull up the anchor
'Cause we're leaving dry land
Copy !req
1074. Get below deck
With a dick in your hand
Copy !req
1075. Boats and ho's
Boats and ho's
Copy !req
1076. I gotta have me my boats and ho's
Copy !req
1077. Are you ready for some
world-class vocalization?
Copy !req
1078. - Get a partner.
- Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1079. - Who's steering the boat?
- Dad, please shut up.
Copy !req
1080. Please shut up!
Copy !req
1081. Yeah!
Copy !req
1082. So...
Copy !req
1083. big question is:
Copy !req
1084. Aside from the damage to the boat,
which we will fix...
Copy !req
1085. what'd you think
of the presentation?
Copy !req
1086. Brennan, I think that what you did
to Robert's boat was horrid.
Copy !req
1087. Having said that,
I think that both of you boys...
Copy !req
1088. showed a lot of enthusiasm
and inventiveness.
Copy !req
1089. Yes. Thank you.
Copy !req
1090. You gotta be kidding me.
Copy !req
1091. They destroyed our dream
and you're calling it inventive.
Copy !req
1092. - No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.
- Yes, you did.
Copy !req
1093. Come on, you did.
Copy !req
1094. It's gonna be four years, at least,
before we can sail anywhere.
Copy !req
1095. - And you could care less, admit it.
- I will not admit that...
Copy !req
1096. because it is not true.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1097. But, you know,
I do think that you could show...
Copy !req
1098. a little bit more attentiveness
to your son and your stepson...
Copy !req
1099. who obviously need you.
Copy !req
1100. It's true, Dr. Doback.
Copy !req
1101. You've been very cold
and unsupportive of our dreams.
Copy !req
1102. You wrecked my fucking boat,
you goon!
Copy !req
1103. Don't speak to my son like that.
Copy !req
1104. Your son's costing me $80,000.
Copy !req
1105. We could bicker about this all night,
but what's done is done, Dad.
Copy !req
1106. - Are you guys gonna invest or not?
- That's it! That's it!
Copy !req
1107. - What are you doing?
- Grab the wheel!
Copy !req
1108. I can't believe
you're being so stingy.
Copy !req
1109. - Robert, come down.
- It's a simple business decision.
Copy !req
1110. You jackaloons!
Copy !req
1111. You're failures! Failures!
Copy !req
1112. And you're embarrassing yourself,
you geriatric fuck!
Copy !req
1113. - Brennan.
- Two things:
Copy !req
1114. You keep your liver-spotted hands
off my beautiful mother.
Copy !req
1115. She's a saint!
Copy !req
1116. Then you sit down and you write Dale
and Brennan a check for $ 10,000.
Copy !req
1117. Oh, stop it.
Copy !req
1118. Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake
hearing devices so far up your ass...
Copy !req
1119. - Brennan!
you can hear the sound...
Copy !req
1120. of your small intestine
as it produces shit!
Copy !req
1121. - All right, here we go.
- Oh, my Lord.
Copy !req
1122. Somebody should've done this
a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.
Copy !req
1123. - What are you doing?
- Robert.
Copy !req
1124. There are consequences
for your actions.
Copy !req
1125. - No! Robert!
- Dad!
Copy !req
1126. - This is not the answer.
- You're next, mister.
Copy !req
1127. - You understand me?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1128. - Certain behaviors...
- Let go of me.
Copy !req
1129. will not be tolerated!
- My ass is on fire!
Copy !req
1130. Wow, the tree looks great, Nancy.
Really tasteful.
Copy !req
1131. Thank you, Dale. That's a very nice
sweater you're wearing.
Copy !req
1132. It was my mom's.
I took the shoulder pads out.
Copy !req
1133. Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called...
Copy !req
1134. and she said she can't go out
with you on New Year's Eve...
Copy !req
1135. because she's not your girlfriend,
she's your therapist.
Copy !req
1136. - Is that what she said?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1137. She's a rascal.
Copy !req
1138. Hey, Dad, Nancy?
Copy !req
1139. Would it be cool if Brennan and I
opened just one present each...
Copy !req
1140. since it's Christmas Eve?
Copy !req
1141. I'm gonna go down to the
Cheesecake Factory, have a drink.
Copy !req
1142. But it's Christmas Eve.
Copy !req
1143. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1144. - Yes.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1145. I had my eye on one.
Copy !req
1146. I hope it's what I think it is.
Copy !req
1147. Oh, my God. Hulk Hands!
Copy !req
1148. Wait, Dale got Hulk Hands?
Copy !req
1149. Well, you reek of Scotch
and cheesecake.
Copy !req
1150. You know...
Copy !req
1151. tonight at the Cheesecake Factory
was the happiest I've been in months.
Copy !req
1152. - Well, then I feel very sorry for you.
- Well, just...
Copy !req
1153. Nancy, I don't know if I can ever
forgive them for wrecking my boat.
Copy !req
1154. - Why are you giving up?
- I'm not giving up. I'm not.
Copy !req
1155. - You are. You're giving up on our boys.
- But they're 40.
Copy !req
1156. I don't care how old they are.
They're still our children.
Copy !req
1157. Well, sometime it's got to matter
how old they are.
Copy !req
1158. That's all we do, is...
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Copy !req
1159. Oh, it...
You know, they'll go back to bed.
Copy !req
1160. See? They're sleepwalking.
Copy !req
1161. No. No.
Copy !req
1162. See, back to bed.
Copy !req
1163. They'll be fine.
Copy !req
1164. Just nonsense.
I'm gonna wake them up.
Copy !req
1165. - No. Why would you do such a thing?
- Well, because it's...
Copy !req
1166. - Never, ever wake up a sleepwalker.
- See, that's it.
Copy !req
1167. - We can't ever do anything.
- No.
Copy !req
1168. But they could do real harm
to themselves or others.
Copy !req
1169. - Oh, the Christmas presents.
- No, guys... No, no, don't...
Copy !req
1170. - No. But...
- I think we should take control.
Copy !req
1171. - It's always about them.
- How do you propose to do that?
Copy !req
1172. - Oh, Jesus.
- Whatever you do, don't wake them.
Copy !req
1173. They might do real harm
to themselves or others.
Copy !req
1174. - Not everybody does know that.
- Oh, the Christmas tree!
Copy !req
1175. Oh, not the... No, don't...
All right, that's it!
Copy !req
1176. - I'm waking them up!
- No! No!
Copy !req
1177. - Don't wake them up!
- That's a myth!
Copy !req
1178. - Wake up, both of you.
- Don't.
Copy !req
1179. I told you! I told you!
Copy !req
1180. Stop it! Don't hurt him!
Copy !req
1181. The pictures! Nancy!
Copy !req
1182. Robert!
Copy !req
1183. I mean, I was driving around
with a buddy of mine, Topher.
Copy !req
1184. You guys remember Topher, right?
Copy !req
1185. Driving around, he has this
brand-new Testarossa, right?
Copy !req
1186. We hit this four-point buck. Dead.
Lying in the road.
Copy !req
1187. Long story short,
we sue the state of Michigan.
Copy !req
1188. I end up getting 125 G's. Okay?
You know what I spent that money on?
Copy !req
1189. Sniper rifle to hunt deer.
Copy !req
1190. Either way, the deers lose,
my friends.
Copy !req
1191. Good riddance.
Eat all the damn flowers, anyway.
Copy !req
1192. If you'll excuse me...
Copy !req
1193. I think I'm going to go into
the other room to check my hair.
Copy !req
1194. - Excuse me.
- Sorry, everybody.
Copy !req
1195. If you'll excuse
my space-cadet wife here.
Copy !req
1196. Let's just say the meds
aren't helping.
Copy !req
1197. I'm kidding. Kidding. But not at all.
Copy !req
1198. I have to get some more gravy.
Copy !req
1199. - Oh, Dale, it's right there.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
1200. Shush up, Nancy.
I have to get some more bread.
Copy !req
1201. What did I do to deserve that?
Copy !req
1202. What do any of us do
to deserve anything?
Copy !req
1203. I pay enough taxes to support
all these lazy goddamn liberals.
Copy !req
1204. Get off me! Off!
Get back. Get back! Back!
Copy !req
1205. - What do you want?
- Merry Christmas, darling.
Copy !req
1206. - Merry Christmas.
- Oh, that was torture.
Copy !req
1207. I couldn't eat another bite of turkey
without thinking of you inside of me.
Copy !req
1208. Come on, let's try something illegal.
Copy !req
1209. So, Tommy, what did you
get for Christmas?
Copy !req
1210. Well, Santa brought me the Bowflex
and $ 1000 in fresh-minted $50 bills.
Copy !req
1211. Wanna know what I got
for Christmas? A crushed soul.
Copy !req
1212. - Alice, please.
- Sing along, Santa.
Copy !req
1213. You know this song.
Copy !req
1214. What is that noise?
Copy !req
1215. It's... This is the ghost.
Copy !req
1216. - Just try to be quiet. Okay.
- You're right. You're right.
Copy !req
1217. - We've got to be discreet.
- All right.
Copy !req
1218. No, no! Oh, hey.
Copy !req
1219. Are you all still talking in here?
Copy !req
1220. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1221. Alice was moving a chair from the
living room into the dining room...
Copy !req
1222. for an extra chair
and her back went out.
Copy !req
1223. And I just did the best thing,
which is get right on the muscles...
Copy !req
1224. - Muscles.
so they don't seize up.
Copy !req
1225. Just add some heat to it.
Copy !req
1226. Damn it, Dale, sit down.
Copy !req
1227. It's just a real deep, tight muscle.
Copy !req
1228. Hey, sweetie,
can you grab me a beer?
Copy !req
1229. - I'll get you another Heineken.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1230. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1231. And how about you, Tiffany,
what did you get for Christmas?
Copy !req
1232. I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace.
Copy !req
1233. But next year I'm gonna ask
Santa for breast implants...
Copy !req
1234. because I'm impatient
with my body.
Copy !req
1235. Hey, Tiffany. Wanna know
what I got? A crushed soul.
Copy !req
1236. You mentioned that earlier.
Copy !req
1237. - So good.
- Oh, gosh!
Copy !req
1238. It's gone into a real bad spasm,
so I put a yoga move on her.
Copy !req
1239. - grant me this one,
because I was pretty wasted.
Copy !req
1240. So I put my lips
around that breathalyzer...
Copy !req
1241. and I saw those numerals pop up:
Copy !req
1242. 0.079.
Copy !req
1243. So I started going to Chad
Michael Murray's Christmas party.
Copy !req
1244. I think that was the year.
And just driving...
Copy !req
1245. I have to interrupt you. Robert, while
the children are in the living room...
Copy !req
1246. I think this would be a good time
to make our announcement.
Copy !req
1247. - What's going on?
- It's over.
Copy !req
1248. I'm gonna be moving in
with my friend Jack Handle...
Copy !req
1249. and Nancy found a townhouse
in the city.
Copy !req
1250. What is this? What's happening?
Copy !req
1251. What Robert is trying to say
is that we are getting a divorce.
Copy !req
1252. - Don't do this.
- No. No!
Copy !req
1253. - I could've called this one.
- No.
Copy !req
1254. - Yeah.
- Is it our fault?
Copy !req
1255. - Is it because we were bad?
- No. No.
Copy !req
1256. The main thing that
Robert and I talked about...
Copy !req
1257. is that we did not want you two
to blame yourselves.
Copy !req
1258. - What can we do to fix it?
- Dale, honey, are you okay?
Copy !req
1259. - Why are you calling him "honey"?
- I cannot stress this enough:
Copy !req
1260. - It is not your fault.
- Whose fault is it?
Copy !req
1261. - Fuck it, I wanna fucking know!
- Let's cut the shit.
Copy !req
1262. - It is directly your fault.
- Robert.
Copy !req
1263. You destroyed my boat.
Copy !req
1264. You beat me up in your sleep...
Copy !req
1265. and worst of all, you made
Nancy and I resent each other.
Copy !req
1266. - It is absolutely 150 percent your fault!
- Of course it's their fault.
Copy !req
1267. They're the world's biggest dickheads,
and they're living in your house.
Copy !req
1268. - Shut up, Derek.
- I'm sorry, but that...
Copy !req
1269. Please don't cry like that.
Please don't, Brennan.
Copy !req
1270. - Mommy!
- Dale!
Copy !req
1271. I told you that they would feel
completely to blame.
Copy !req
1272. - Oh, let's grow up.
- I think I'm going to throw up.
Copy !req
1273. - I think I'm gonna throw up...
- Don't throw up.
Copy !req
1274. all the nice dinner that I had.
I'm gonna throw it up.
Copy !req
1275. - You're not gonna throw up.
- He's gonna throw up.
Copy !req
1276. - Come on.
- My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.
Copy !req
1277. - Hey, guys. Guys.
- This is not nice!
Copy !req
1278. - All right, dipshits. Right here.
- Stop it, Derek.
Copy !req
1279. - One, two, three...
- I don't want my picture taken now.
Copy !req
1280. Good luck, and remember, I need you
out of this house by tomorrow.
Copy !req
1281. No exceptions.
Copy !req
1282. If there's anything you need,
anything that you boys need...
Copy !req
1283. you just give me a call. Okay?
It's all right.
Copy !req
1284. Hey. Are you awake?
Copy !req
1285. Yeah.
Copy !req
1286. I can't believe we actually
have to move out of this house.
Copy !req
1287. I know. I feel bad.
Copy !req
1288. Hey, you know,
we don't have to whisper anymore.
Copy !req
1289. Mom and Dad aren't here.
Copy !req
1290. Yeah, but can we keep
doing it, though?
Copy !req
1291. It helps me pretend that they are.
Copy !req
1292. You must feel just terrible.
Copy !req
1293. - I mean, I know I feel bad.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1294. But I can't imagine how you feel...
Copy !req
1295. after my dad looked
right at you and said...
Copy !req
1296. it's all your fault
that they broke up.
Copy !req
1297. That's funny, because my mom said:
Copy !req
1298. "If that curly-headed fuck Dale
wasn't here...
Copy !req
1299. everything would be perfect."
Copy !req
1300. - You take that back.
- No way. It's your fault.
Copy !req
1301. You know what your problem is?
Copy !req
1302. You live in a fantasy land.
You refuse to get a job...
Copy !req
1303. and you don't know what it's like
to work for something.
Copy !req
1304. You don't take responsibility for
your actions. This is all your fault!
Copy !req
1305. Well, you're a mama's boy
who's too chicken to sing in public!
Copy !req
1306. Yeah, that's right.
Copy !req
1307. Run away, little boy,
because you know it's true.
Copy !req
1308. Just avoid everything.
Copy !req
1309. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1310. - Dale broke up Mom and Dad
- Motherfucker!
Copy !req
1311. Dale broke up Mom and Dad
Dale broke up Mom and Dad
Copy !req
1312. - Dale broke up Mom and...
- Brennan!
Copy !req
1313. Get up, Brennan,
I know you're faking. Get up!
Copy !req
1314. Get up!
Copy !req
1315. Brennan?
Copy !req
1316. It's just like Cold Case Files.
It's just like Cold Case Files.
Copy !req
1317. It's just like Cold Case Files.
Copy !req
1318. People die every day.
Copy !req
1319. Give him a proper burial
in an unmarked grave...
Copy !req
1320. - Brennan! You're alive! Oh, my God.
- I know.
Copy !req
1321. I'm alive.
Copy !req
1322. - You were dead. I saw you die!
- I was faking.
Copy !req
1323. I used ninja focus
to slow my heart rate down.
Copy !req
1324. - What are you doing?
- I'm burying you.
Copy !req
1325. - I'm alive. Brennan, I'm alive.
- You're waking the neighbors!
Copy !req
1326. - Shut up!
- No. No.
Copy !req
1327. - Now I'm gonna play your drum set.
- Help me.
Copy !req
1328. Close your eyes.
Let the dirt just shower over you.
Copy !req
1329. This is your fault.
Copy !req
1330. Oh, I'm exhausted.
I'm gonna sleep good tonight.
Copy !req
1331. - Don't you touch my drums!
- Zombie!
Copy !req
1332. Zombie! Zombie!
Copy !req
1333. Get off me, zombie.
Copy !req
1334. Get off.
Copy !req
1335. I'm late for school.
Copy !req
1336. I will kiss you right on the mouth,
Kenny Rogers.
Copy !req
1337. - Just get off me.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1338. So I guess it's really over.
Copy !req
1339. I'd say you trying to bury me alive
pretty much did it.
Copy !req
1340. You know what I just realized?
Copy !req
1341. You've been the one
dragging me down.
Copy !req
1342. Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna
get a job and an apartment...
Copy !req
1343. and then I'm gonna get Mom
and Dr. Doback back together.
Copy !req
1344. I'm gonna be the hero,
and you can suck on it.
Copy !req
1345. My life was perfect
before you came here.
Copy !req
1346. Me and my dad had a perfect setup,
and you wrecked it.
Copy !req
1347. Hey.
Copy !req
1348. We're no longer brothers.
Copy !req
1349. We never were.
We were stepbrothers.
Copy !req
1350. - That was one of your best.
- These balls fucking suck.
Copy !req
1351. All right.
Copy !req
1352. Well, well, well,
look who's here, boys.
Copy !req
1353. Can you give me a job, please?
Copy !req
1354. TJ, get an office pool going.
Copy !req
1355. Give Ken-Doll Crotch here
two weeks, tops.
Copy !req
1356. Dr. Angel Face,
I just wanted to say thank you...
Copy !req
1357. for meeting me
on such short notice.
Copy !req
1358. - Don't call me Angel Face.
- I apologize.
Copy !req
1359. I'm very alone right now, and the thing
I wanna ask you to help me...
Copy !req
1360. To show me how I can be
a grown-up.
Copy !req
1361. Do I carry my
high-school diploma around?
Copy !req
1362. What do you do with your hair?
Copy !req
1363. What happens if there's
inclement weather?
Copy !req
1364. Where do you...?
What do you wear?
Copy !req
1365. Can you wash clothes
in the dishwasher?
Copy !req
1366. I notice that there's a long gap
in your job history...
Copy !req
1367. and it said for 22 years...
Copy !req
1368. you went Kerouac
on everyone's ass?
Copy !req
1369. I'm gonna be honest with you.
I really need a job.
Copy !req
1370. And I will take any position,
as long as it doesn't involve...
Copy !req
1371. having sex with old ladies
for money or bear traps.
Copy !req
1372. - Those are my two bugaboos.
- All right, got it.
Copy !req
1373. There's a catering business,
there's a temp job open.
Copy !req
1374. And you get to play with fire.
Copy !req
1375. What do you want?
This is my online-poker time.
Copy !req
1376. I'm ready to take on
the Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1377. Slow down there, Speed Racer.
Copy !req
1378. I know what it entails,
and I'm ready to nail it.
Copy !req
1379. I want it, okay?
I want the Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1380. - Yo, yo.
- Hey, D-man.
Copy !req
1381. - You tell him what's up?
- I sure did.
Copy !req
1382. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1383. Your brother wants a shot
at the Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1384. I'm ready, walking tall.
Copy !req
1385. You're ready to run with the bulls?
Copy !req
1386. I've been earning and burning,
snapping necks and cashing checks.
Copy !req
1387. Screw it, let's let him do it.
It's a win-win for me...
Copy !req
1388. because if you fuck up, Brennan...
- Yeah?
Copy !req
1389. I get to fire your ass. But if you pull
it off, I look like a genius to the board.
Copy !req
1390. - Okay?
- I get it.
Copy !req
1391. Brennan, here's the thing.
Copy !req
1392. It's the Catalina fucking
Wine Mixer, okay?
Copy !req
1393. Are you saying "pow"?
What are you saying?
Copy !req
1394. It's the biggest helicopter-leasing
event in the Western Hemisphere...
Copy !req
1395. since 1997.
Copy !req
1396. - Why does he keep doing that?
- I have to sell or lease...
Copy !req
1397. at least 80 choppers
to make my nut.
Copy !req
1398. And you mess with my nut, Brennan,
Randy here is gonna eat your dick.
Copy !req
1399. Like Kobayashi.
Copy !req
1400. I've seen him do it.
Copy !req
1401. You've seen him eat a penis?
Copy !req
1402. It was in international waters,
so they couldn't prosecute him.
Copy !req
1403. I tell you now, I'll nail it.
I'll pull it off, okay?
Copy !req
1404. Wait a second,
why do you want this so bad?
Copy !req
1405. Trying to get Mom and Dad
back together or something?
Copy !req
1406. - Why do I want this?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1407. Because I wanna make bank, bro.
I wanna get ass.
Copy !req
1408. And I wanna drive a Range Rover.
Copy !req
1409. Okay, well, you better, Brennan.
Copy !req
1410. This is the fucking
Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1411. Nancy. Hi.
Copy !req
1412. Hi. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1413. Well, Dale's working the function.
Copy !req
1414. Guys, this is supposed to be jicama,
not bok choy.
Copy !req
1415. Sorry, folks.
Copy !req
1416. And I got an invitation from Brennan.
Copy !req
1417. Can you believe
Brennan put all this together?
Copy !req
1418. And now here we all are in Catalina.
Copy !req
1419. - It's funny, huh?
- Yeah, it's funny.
Copy !req
1420. - Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1421. Not bad. You're nailing it.
Copy !req
1422. - Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1423. I don't know what it is...
Copy !req
1424. but I wanna deliver one of these
right in your suck hole.
Copy !req
1425. - Is there anything I can do?
- No. Not really. It's your face.
Copy !req
1426. Again, you're doing great, man.
The Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1427. We're all having a great time,
having fun.
Copy !req
1428. You pulled it off.
But if you don't change your face...
Copy !req
1429. I'm gonna change it for you.
- Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
1430. All I can do is take that in,
consider it...
Copy !req
1431. and I'll just do my best version
of whatever I think that would be.
Copy !req
1432. I don't even hear you,
your face is driving me nuts.
Copy !req
1433. - Thanks again, though.
- Oh, tits. Hold on.
Copy !req
1434. - Hey. Hello, Catalina Wine Mixer.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1435. How are you? We are Uptown Girl.
Copy !req
1436. We are California's preeminent
1980s Billy Joel cover band.
Copy !req
1437. "Piano Man"!
Copy !req
1438. What did I just say, man?
Copy !req
1439. All right, we don't play that...
Copy !req
1440. so let's keep it in the '80s
and let's keep it fun.
Copy !req
1441. You having a good time?
Copy !req
1442. I hope you are,
because sometimes life can be tough.
Copy !req
1443. And I know that sometimes
it's hard to "Keeping the Faith."
Copy !req
1444. You guys seem to be hitting it off.
Copy !req
1445. Oh, honey.
Copy !req
1446. Oh, my God,
this is the greatest party.
Copy !req
1447. - Hello, Robert.
- Way to go.
Copy !req
1448. - Brennan, this is fantastic.
- Way to go.
Copy !req
1449. So impressed.
Copy !req
1450. - Hi, Dad. Hi, Nancy.
- Hi, Dale.
Copy !req
1451. - Hey, Brennan.
- It's good to see you.
Copy !req
1452. Thanks for hiring
our catering company.
Copy !req
1453. Easy decision. You guys have
a outstanding track record.
Copy !req
1454. - Just like old times, huh?
- Right, it really is.
Copy !req
1455. You still have your
night-vision goggles?
Copy !req
1456. No, no. No, I had to sell those
to pay for car insurance.
Copy !req
1457. How about you?
You still breaking boards...
Copy !req
1458. or kicking holes in pumpkins
or anything?
Copy !req
1459. No.
Copy !req
1460. But I did start taking baby aspirin
to reduce my risk for heart attack.
Copy !req
1461. That makes sense.
Gotta keep an eye on it, you know.
Copy !req
1462. - Knock off the sweets.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1463. It's a truly funny observation.
Copy !req
1464. Yeah.
Copy !req
1465. Dale, the empanadas
are starting to sweat.
Copy !req
1466. Okay. I better run.
Copy !req
1467. - It's good to see you, Brennan.
- You too.
Copy !req
1468. - Take care, be well. Take care, Dad.
- Okay, buddy.
Copy !req
1469. - It's great to talk to him.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1470. I gotta go too.
Copy !req
1471. We should do this again.
I think it was very constructive.
Copy !req
1472. - Maybe grab a bite to eat?
- Sure.
Copy !req
1473. - Go to Outback Steakhouse.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1474. I've grown very fond of that place.
Copy !req
1475. Thank you for coming.
Copy !req
1476. Great to see you.
Copy !req
1477. It was very nice to see you, Robert.
Copy !req
1478. I think Brennan organized this
whole thing to get us back together.
Copy !req
1479. You have to excuse me.
I think that I just might cry.
Copy !req
1480. It's the funniest thing. Bye-bye.
Copy !req
1481. "Start the Fire," buddy!
Copy !req
1482. Come on, man. Play something
from The Stranger!
Copy !req
1483. We strictly do '80s Joel music, sir.
Copy !req
1484. '80s Billy Joel doo-wop sucks!
Copy !req
1485. Hey, listen, motherfucker,
we only sing '80s Joel!
Copy !req
1486. So take your skank hooker wife
and get the fuck out of here!
Copy !req
1487. Shit.
Copy !req
1488. - What's wrong?
- All right. "What's wrong?"
Copy !req
1489. Get him out of here.
Get his ass out of here!
Copy !req
1490. Hey.
Copy !req
1491. Hey, great job, fuck face. You just
busted my nut. This party's shot.
Copy !req
1492. Just relax. I didn't realize
he would say these things.
Copy !req
1493. You know what?
You cost me money.
Copy !req
1494. So this isn't even
a judgment call, man.
Copy !req
1495. - You're Audi 5000, my friend.
- Derek, can't we talk about this?
Copy !req
1496. No.
Copy !req
1497. - Hey.
- Shit.
Copy !req
1498. - Is everything okay?
- No. He just fired me.
Copy !req
1499. What happened to the music?
Copy !req
1500. The band left. The guy freaked out.
Copy !req
1501. Derek fired me.
Copy !req
1502. - It's no big deal.
- Robert, you don't get it.
Copy !req
1503. It's the Catalina Wine Mixer!
Copy !req
1504. People have killed
to be in the position I'm in.
Copy !req
1505. - He's right. It's a big deal.
- Here's a thought:
Copy !req
1506. I see an empty stage.
Copy !req
1507. I see drums, I see a drummer.
Copy !req
1508. I see a microphone,
and I see a singer.
Copy !req
1509. - Dad, come on.
- What?
Copy !req
1510. - We gave that stuff up.
- We don't do that.
Copy !req
1511. Listen to me.
Dale, look, when I was a kid...
Copy !req
1512. when I was a little boy,
I always wanted to be a dinosaur.
Copy !req
1513. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex
more than anything.
Copy !req
1514. I made my arms short
and I roamed the backyard...
Copy !req
1515. and I chased the neighborhood cats,
and I growled and I roared.
Copy !req
1516. Everybody knew me
and was afraid of me.
Copy !req
1517. And then one day, my dad said:
Copy !req
1518. "Bobby, you're 17. It's time
to throw childish things aside."
Copy !req
1519. And I said, "Okay, Pop."
Copy !req
1520. But he didn't really say that, he said,
"Stop being a dinosaur and get a job."
Copy !req
1521. But, you know, I thought to myself,
"I'll go to medical school...
Copy !req
1522. I'll practice for a little while,
and then I'll come back to it."
Copy !req
1523. - Dad...
- How is that a skill?
Copy !req
1524. But I forgot how to do it.
Copy !req
1525. You're human.
Copy !req
1526. - You could never be a dinosaur.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1527. Hey, I lost it.
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1528. - Dad, what's the point?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1529. The point is
don't lose your dinosaur.
Copy !req
1530. Yeah. You know, I hated
the way you guys were before.
Copy !req
1531. I mean, I hated you.
Copy !req
1532. But it just kills me to see you
so crushed and normal.
Copy !req
1533. Listen to me, don't listen to me...
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1534. Prestige Worldwide,
that's what you gotta do.
Copy !req
1535. - You're saying we should go for it.
- That's what I'm saying.
Copy !req
1536. What do you think, Brennan?
Copy !req
1537. I'm so scared right now.
I'm gonna do what's sensible:
Copy !req
1538. I'm gonna file for unemployment...
Copy !req
1539. and I'm gonna try to get a job
at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
Copy !req
1540. Because they got
a excellent corporate structure...
Copy !req
1541. and they give you the tools
to be your own boss.
Copy !req
1542. My dad's right.
Copy !req
1543. This isn't me.
Copy !req
1544. I'm fucking miserable.
I had to get up at 10:00 this morning.
Copy !req
1545. And even though
I just got a tidal wave of nerves...
Copy !req
1546. I'm going up on that stage...
Copy !req
1547. and I'm gonna make beautiful music
for a sad world.
Copy !req
1548. - Dale...
- That's the boy I know.
Copy !req
1549. This crowd's gonna eat him alive.
Copy !req
1550. Wait, what's he doing up there?
Copy !req
1551. Somebody get him
off the fucking stage!
Copy !req
1552. Hi. How you doing?
Copy !req
1553. My name's Dale Doback,
and I hope you like to kick it.
Copy !req
1554. Oh, go get them, Dale!
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1555. Boats and ho's
Copy !req
1556. Get off the stage, you dick!
Copy !req
1557. Stop yelling at him.
Copy !req
1558. - Terrible!
- Terrible.
Copy !req
1559. He's a human being.
Copy !req
1560. Dale has a mangina
Dale has a mangina
Copy !req
1561. No.
Copy !req
1562. Gotta have me my boats and ho's
Copy !req
1563. He's up there alone, Brennan.
He's up there alone.
Copy !req
1564. Gotta have me my boats and ho's
Copy !req
1565. - You suck!
- What are you doing, Brennan?
Copy !req
1566. Gotta have me my...
Copy !req
1567. Brennan, no!
Copy !req
1568. - What did you do?
- Oh, Jesus, Nancy.
Copy !req
1569. I couldn't stand to see him like that.
I miss my son.
Copy !req
1570. All right. Let me go for a few bars.
Come in soft, but then finish strong.
Copy !req
1571. - Okay. Hey, Brennan?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1572. - Thanks for coming up.
- You got it, Dragon.
Copy !req
1573. We got a little change coming up.
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1574. It's my main man Brennan.
Copy !req
1575. Boats and ho's
Copy !req
1576. Boats and ho's
Copy !req
1577. - You did it, Derek.
- I made a kite fly.
Copy !req
1578. Brennan, you're the best
big brother ever!
Copy !req
1579. - floor mats. The ones that match
the seats, and I kind of wanted...
Copy !req
1580. I traveled 500 miles
to give you my seed.
Copy !req
1581. Lumberjack!
Copy !req
1582. Rock the fuck
out of those drums, Dale!
Copy !req
1583. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1584. - We're Prestige Worldwide!
- Prestige Worldwide!
Copy !req
1585. - Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
- It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1586. It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
Copy !req
1587. Brennan, that was sublime.
Copy !req
1588. Amazing.
We are so proud of you both.
Copy !req
1589. - Thank you.
- Incredible.
Copy !req
1590. - Thank you so much.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1591. So I made my quota.
Yeah, we sold a shit-ton of copters.
Copy !req
1592. - That's so good.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1593. Look, I'm not great at
this Hallmark stuff...
Copy !req
1594. but, Brennan,
when I look at you now...
Copy !req
1595. I don't wanna kick you
in the head quite as much.
Copy !req
1596. Thanks, man.
Copy !req
1597. - That was beautiful.
- That was nice.
Copy !req
1598. Yeah.
Copy !req
1599. - What do we do now?
- We could hug.
Copy !req
1600. Yeah, you'd like that, faggot.
Sorry. I'm...
Copy !req
1601. Okay.
Copy !req
1602. - It's okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1603. - That's what we've been looking for.
- That's the ticket.
Copy !req
1604. It's fantastic.
Copy !req
1605. We've never done anything like that,
so you can't expect it to be perfect.
Copy !req
1606. It was good.
Copy !req
1607. - Felt good.
- Gotten close to a hug.
Copy !req
1608. - Hello, Brennan. Hi.
- Denise. Hey.
Copy !req
1609. Robert, Mom, Derek,
this is my girlfriend, Denise.
Copy !req
1610. - Hi. How are you?
- Actually, I'm his therapist.
Copy !req
1611. - We are in absolutely no way dating.
- Right.
Copy !req
1612. Brennan told me he was going to
hurl his body off a helicopter...
Copy !req
1613. into shark-infested waters...
Copy !req
1614. so I had a legal obligation
to be here.
Copy !req
1615. I get it.
Copy !req
1616. Don't wanna appear too eager,
and that is a good strategy too.
Copy !req
1617. You are an enabler.
You think you're helping...
Copy !req
1618. but you're not.
- And you are a keeper.
Copy !req
1619. What'd you think?
Copy !req
1620. Brennan, I thought
you were incredibly brave.
Copy !req
1621. And I mean that...
Copy !req
1622. in strictly the most clinical
and professional sense possible...
Copy !req
1623. with no emotional,
intimate, sexual...
Copy !req
1624. or any other undertones
that you could possibly infer.
Copy !req
1625. God, you're gonna make me cry.
Copy !req
1626. What poem is that from?
Is that James Joyce?
Copy !req
1627. Alice...
Copy !req
1628. I like making sex with you.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1629. I do. But you're also married.
Copy !req
1630. It's over.
Copy !req
1631. This is crazy. I'm a mother.
Copy !req
1632. I have two children,
I have a husband, a beautiful home.
Copy !req
1633. - I can't be fucking around with you.
- It was fun. It was fun, right?
Copy !req
1634. - It was fun while it lasted.
- I'm glad. All right, well, good luck.
Copy !req
1635. - No.
- Oh, my God, Dale!
Copy !req
1636. - Please don't leave me.
- Oh, my God. Look at that whale.
Copy !req
1637. Where?
Copy !req
1638. Dale!
Copy !req
1639. So I was with Seal...
Copy !req
1640. and we were just taking a chopper
up to Everest base camp...
Copy !req
1641. and the plot to my Sherpa...
- Derek. Derek.
Copy !req
1642. - Sorry. Okay.
- Remember, we talked about this.
Copy !req
1643. Dale, Brennan.
Tell me about the karaoke business.
Copy !req
1644. Really great, Dad.
Yeah. We call it Karaoke 'n' Roll.
Copy !req
1645. We got six bars, three restaurants,
and two more wanna sign up.
Copy !req
1646. - So it's booming.
- Fantastic.
Copy !req
1647. Most karaoke it's,
"Open to everyone.
Copy !req
1648. - Hey, just get up and have fun."
- Not you guys.
Copy !req
1649. If you can't sing, just sit down.
That's our motto.
Copy !req
1650. - It's the big leagues.
- You guys are doing so great.
Copy !req
1651. Guys, I have a little Christmas
surprise for Dale and Brennan.
Copy !req
1652. - You wanna see it?
- Yes!
Copy !req
1653. - You bet!
- Let's go look at it! Come on.
Copy !req
1654. - Don't peek.
- I smell cookies.
Copy !req
1655. Be patient. No, no. No, no.
Copy !req
1656. - Just a piñata, isn't it?
- Be patient. Be patient.
Copy !req
1657. - Be patient.
- Did you get me a tiger, Dad?
Copy !req
1658. Okay, open your eyes.
Copy !req
1659. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
1660. Holy shit!
Copy !req
1661. Dad, I can't believe
you put the boat in the tree!
Copy !req
1662. This is amazing!
Copy !req
1663. - It's The Gilded Lady. She lives!
- I can't believe it.
Copy !req
1664. - How'd you get it up here?
- Oh, Robert, it's so great.
Copy !req
1665. - Pirate hats!
- Pirate hats!
Copy !req
1666. - Hustlers!
- Hustlers!
Copy !req
1667. Dad, that was so thoughtful!
Copy !req
1668. - Crossbows!
- Crossbows!
Copy !req
1669. You guys finally came to your senses
and got us something cool.
Copy !req
1670. You both know this is
completely fucked up, right?
Copy !req
1671. - Yeah.
- Of course.
Copy !req
1672. But Brennan sure can wear the shit
out of that pirate hat.
Copy !req
1673. - Chewbacca masks!
- Chewbacca masks!
Copy !req
1674. It's okay that mine's
not movie-quality.
Copy !req
1675. But he's like, "No, because you drove
my car last week, so I can't get it."
Copy !req
1676. So I'm like "You're gonna buy it for me
or I'm gonna sock you in the mouth."
Copy !req
1677. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1678. Well, if it isn't Dale Doback
and his little butt buddy.
Copy !req
1679. Sticks and stones
may break my bones...
Copy !req
1680. but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly
in the balls, Gardocki!
Copy !req
1681. Let's get them!
Copy !req
1682. - Where do you think you're going?
- Home.
Copy !req
1683. - We got something to show you.
- Come on.
Copy !req
1684. - You see that white dog crap?
- Do you see it?
Copy !req
1685. - Yeah.
- Not too fun down there, is it?
Copy !req
1686. - No.
- You see?
Copy !req
1687. Your actions have consequences!
Copy !req
1688. When you oppress people,
they rise up in a fiery anger!
Copy !req
1689. Go home.
Copy !req
1690. We're not like you.
We're grown-ups, motherfucker!
Copy !req
1691. Say hi to your dad.
We went to high school together.
Copy !req
1692. The cops'll be here soon.
Copy !req
1693. I guess this is what it feels like
to be grown up.
Copy !req
1694. Hey.
Copy !req
1695. Can I ask you something?
Copy !req
1696. Yeah, of course.
Copy !req
1697. You know back when
you first moved in?
Copy !req
1698. Yeah.
Copy !req
1699. - Did you touch my drum set?
- No, I didn't.
Copy !req
1700. No, really, I won't get mad.
I just wanna know.
Copy !req
1701. No, I know.
You said you wouldn't get mad.
Copy !req
1702. I'm saying I didn't do it.
I didn't do it, I never did it.
Copy !req
1703. - Then I owe you an apology.
- No.
Copy !req
1704. No, you don't, at all.
No.
Copy !req
1705. Why wouldn't you take an apology
if you didn't do it?
Copy !req
1706. Just because I'm cool.
It doesn't matter.
Copy !req
1707. You got my passport.
Copy !req
1708. I'm good.
Copy !req
1709. Don't worry, not gonna be late.
Don't worry.
Copy !req