Spy Kids (2001)

1. Carmen, Juni, time for bed.

2. - Did you brush your teeth? - I already did.

3. - Juni, don't forget to... - I am, I am.

4. All right, all right.

5. Okay, warts.

6. Prepare to meet your maker.

7. Everything okay at school?

8. Yeah. It's good. It's fine.

9. Okay, well, lights out.

10. Bedtime story first.

11. What story do you want to hear?

12. "The Two Spies Who Fell in Love."

13. Wow. I haven't told that one in a while.

14. You probably remember that better than I do.

15. Want to hear a story, Juni?

16. I'm listening.

17. Okay.

18. Once upon a time,

19. there was a man and a woman.

20. - And they were both spies. - Yes.

21. She from one country, he from another.

22. She had a very important mission assigned to her.

23. He was her mission.

24. Correct. Her mission was to take him out.

25. On a date?

26. No. Take him...

27. You mean...

28. - I shouldn't be telling you this. - Go on. Go on.

29. You have to understand these were dark and confusing times.

30. There was an enormous amount of turmoil between countries.

31. Out of fear, a new kind of soldier was created.

32. Brilliant, brave soldiers whose greatest weapons were their minds.

33. Those men and women were spies.

34. They were masters of disguise.

35. They could sense danger a mile away.

36. And through their work,

37. wars were ended before they even started.

38. The only things spies were truly afraid of

39. were other spies.

40. Enemy spies.

41. So, sometimes, one spy's mission was to make the enemy disappear.

42. He was the assignment that changed her life.

43. But when the moment finally came to carry out her mission,

44. she couldn't do it.

45. He was different than she expected.

46. Sure, he was charming and intelligent,

47. but he was unexpectedly honorable,

48. and it made her realize how years of working with detached emotion

49. had taken its toll.

50. So, they kept contact.

51. A few lunch dates, very discreet.

52. After all, they were on different sides, so they could never be seen together.

53. Dinner dates followed wherever their mutual travels took them.

54. And they fell in love.

55. And they decided that, together,

56. they would embark on the most dangerous mission of all time.

57. What?

58. They decided to marry.

59. Wow.

60. Yes. On her wedding day,

61. she felt like she would rather brave a thousand deadly missions

62. than go through with what she was about to attempt.

63. Why is that?

64. Well, marriage is a mission so complex

65. that only the most courageous and slightly insane need apply.

66. There's such an amazing series of obstacles one has to navigate

67. to keep a marriage together, much less a family,

68. that it frightened even her,

69. a hardened and experienced secret agent.

70. But when she saw him

71. standing there with no doubt whatsoever,

72. so assured of his decision,

73. so enamored with what they were about to do,

74. she took his hand,

75. looked deep into his eyes,

76. and said the two most dangerous,

77. most trusting words you can say to anyone.

78. What?

79. She said, "I do."

80. That's so cool.

81. Yeah. Then the problems started.

82. Now, there was always some faction that wanted at least one of them gone.

83. On their own, each agent was notorious,

84. but together, they made tempting targets.

85. So, they retired, settled down, had a few kids.

86. In a way, they exchanged one life of adventure for another,

87. trading espionage for parenthood,

88. a mysterious and compelling mission in its own right.

89. And they're better off. The end.

90. No "happily ever after"?

91. I said they were better off.

92. Great story, Mom, but it needs a new ending.

93. It needs monsters.

94. Is that right? Do you want me to look at your...

95. I put the medicine on.

96. Okay, munchkin. Good night.

97. What was the story tonight?

98. Ours.

99. How many nights, I wonder,

100. do you send the children off to bed with nightmares?

101. Carmen asked for the story.

102. That life is over now.

103. We are consultants, not spies.

104. So, I went to their school today. Had that meeting with the principal.

105. Carmen's been skipping school twice a month.

106. - Why? - I don't know.

107. And those school friends Juni talks about having?

108. Yeah. Diego somebody and Renaldo?

109. No such beasts.

110. It turns out, the other kids, they pick on him. He has no friends.

111. It doesn't help that he has his head in the clouds,

112. making these weird drawings

113. and burying himself into that demented kids' show.

114. They're keeping secrets from us, Gregorio,

115. and I think it's our fault. They've gotten this from us.

116. We have good reason to keep secrets.

117. If we told them we were spies,

118. they'd have visions of danger every time we leave the house.

119. Speaking of secrets, what are you working on over here?

120. Nothing important.

121. It's just...

122. Why do we have to do this every morning?

123. We already have P.E. at school.

124. You gonna hang there all day, scaredy cat?

125. Told you not to look down.

126. I can't help it. I'm slipping.

127. It's your butterfingers that are slipping.

128. Hurry up!

129. I can...

130. You just fell 1000 feet. You're a pancake.

131. - Am not. - Are too.

132. Don't trip getting up, pancake.

133. Butterfingers.

134. We'll see about that.

135. - Donnagon? - Yeah. He's missing.

136. Is this what you were hiding from me last night?

137. I didn't want to worry you.

138. We now return to Floop's Fooglies.

139. Juni, why do you watch that show?

140. Because it's cool. Why?

141. Because that's all you ever do.

142. Play its video games and watch the tapes.

143. Do you know why, Son?

144. So, always remember, whatever you do, believe in yourself.

145. Your dreams will come true

146. for you and you and you.

147. What's this supposed to be, a self-portrait?

148. What's this supposed to be, a self-portrait?

149. Mom, he's mimicking me!

150. Mom, he's mimicking me!

151. Carmen, leave your brother alone.

152. Juni, stop talking like your sister.

153. Stop it.

154. Stop it.

155. - Look at this. It's hideous. - Well, talk to him.

156. It's a Fooglie idea.

157. I designed it myself.

158. Today, we're very excited,

159. because today, we have a new character!

160. We found him snooping around the castle last night.

161. I want you all to meet Donnamight.

162. Dad, when Floop makes a toy out of that one, I want it!

163. Honey!

164. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

165. Juni. Juni. Hey.

166. Anybody gives you a hard time in there,

167. remember, you are a Cortez.

168. - What's so special about being a Cortez? - Lots of things.

169. Hey, it's the mummy.

170. Nice looking bandages, mummy.

171. Just stop it, man.

172. When I'm talking to you, you listen.

173. Nice dolls. Here, let me see the dolls.

174. Have a good day, Son. Show them who's boss.

175. Can I help you with something, macho?

176. I said, "Can I help you with something, chief?"

177. I didn't think so.

178. My dad was gonna beat up your dad.

179. No more secrets. Deal?

180. Soon. Definitely soon.

181. I even have to share a room with him, because he's so afraid of being alone.

182. "Watch out for Juni." "Take care of Juni." "Show Juni right from wrong."

183. I shouldn't be responsible for anybody but me.

184. You're so right, Carmen.

185. What's so special about being a Cortez?

186. I wish I could go away to your world, Floop.

187. You'd be my friend.

188. I thank you all for attending today's demonstration.

189. Year after year, we pay outrageous sums of money to several inventors

190. to come up with our technologies.

191. Mr. Floop is one such visionary.

192. However, his inventions are somewhat questionable

193. and, therefore, need to be evaluated.

194. You promised us an army, Mr. Floop,

195. but our first billion dollars bought us only this.

196. Mutated secret agents.

197. The mutative process and brain wipe caused their minds to turn to mush.

198. I have found little use for them except as novelties on my...

199. Well, my children's show, currently rated number two?

200. Number two.

201. What the devil are these finger men?

202. They're called Thumb-Thumbs. Very capable robots.

203. All thumbs. Useless.

204. Mr. Lisp, I think you'll enjoy this.

205. Through that door, an awesome power will emerge.

206. You will have but a moment to disarm it.

207. In exactly 10 seconds.

208. Seven...

209. Five...

210. Three...

211. One.

212. Johnny?

213. - You hesitated. - I had to. He's my son.

214. Are you sure?

215. Actually, I designed him.

216. I built him!

217. His name is...

218. X-5-2-4-9-5 II.

219. This is your big idea?

220. Robot kids that look like my children.

221. The President's daughter?

222. An almost exact replica.

223. Sometimes, in order to think big,

224. you have to think small.

225. Through physio-electrical imaging, I can make them look like anyone,

226. yet the cunning and intelligence of the world's greatest espionage agents

227. all rolled into tiny packages I call "Spy Kids"!

228. Tell me, Spy Kids,

229. with your vast stores of knowledge,

230. what are four of the five physiological indications

231. that a human being is lying?

232. They're not quite finished. Missing one crucial element.

233. Missing what?

234. Their brains.

235. These buckets of bolts will never pass as children!

236. We have a schedule to keep, Floop, a window of opportunity that's closing fast!

237. We will be back in two days to pick up our army,

238. or we'll take whatever you do have, cut our losses

239. and lay your entire silly empire to waste!

240. No more time.

241. Escort Mr. Lisp back to his chopper, children.

242. - That was brilliant, sir. - Thank you, Minion.

243. Now, all I have to do is make them work for real.

244. - You're going where? - On assignment.

245. Several OSS agents are missing, including Donnagon.

246. No ransom, no demands. They just disappeared.

247. After nine years, you are accepting an assignment?

248. - Why? - In a word, Devlin.

249. Devlin himself called?

250. He called, asked me to go in.

251. I'm going with you.

252. Ingrid, you're always looking to go on another mission,

253. but we have children now.

254. We can't both leave.

255. I want to go on an adventure. I want to save the world.

256. Again? Honey, it's old.

257. I mean, if it wasn't for Donnagon and the other agents,

258. I would be turning this mission down myself.

259. I mean, clearly.

260. You're gonna turn me down?

261. - Me? - Spy boy.

262. Ingrid. Ingrid... Ingrid.

263. What about the children?

264. - Uncle Felix! - Uncle Felix!

265. Hey, churros, how are you?

266. Boy, last time I saw you, you were this big. You're shrinking. What's up?

267. Here, take this bag.

268. Thanks for coming on short notice, Felix.

269. That's what families are for. That's what I hear, anyway.

270. Do I know you?

271. - Feels... - Like old times?

272. S-4-1-4 to Santa Cecilia on assignment to Bond.

273. Missing OSS operatives.

274. Agents Ingrid and Gregorio Cortez en route.

275. Well, it's good to hear those names again.

276. - Good evening, Ms. Gradenko. - Hello, Greg.

277. And Mrs. Cortez.

278. Updates.

279. They're being loaded into your central now.

280. Scan the area.

281. All right.

282. Why don't we call them? They'll be getting up for school soon.

283. - They should know what we're up to. - Ingrid.

284. You're right.

285. Our first time out in nearly a decade

286. and all we can do is think about the children.

287. You should see OSS escort, Agent... Code Delta...

288. Repeat the rendezvous point.

289. Believe in yourself.

290. Picking up a TV signal?

291. And you, Gregorio and Ingrid Cortez.

292. I believe you have something that I want.

293. I know who that is. That's... We've got a follower.

294. Not for long. Watch this.

295. What...

296. What's that?

297. They got us. They got...

298. And this is what Carmen would look like as a Fooglie.

299. Oh, my God.

300. Is this a fire drill?

301. Put these on quickly. We don't have any time to...

302. Follow me. Follow me. Come on!

303. Come on! Follow me!

304. There's a lot for you to know and very little time to explain.

305. Uncle Felix!

306. The first of which is, I'm not your uncle.

307. Your parents are international spies, good ones,

308. but they've been mostly inactive for the last nine years.

309. What are you talking about?

310. I was assigned to protect your family, but something's gone wrong.

311. I have to take you to the safe house.

312. My parents can't be spies. They're not cool enough.

313. That's cool.

314. According to the coordinates in my locating device,

315. they're being taken to Asia or South America.

316. - Go in there. I'll be right back. - And if you're not?

317. Hit the blue button to seal the door and the green button to go.

318. Is this a joke?

319. Cool! Carmen, look! Carmen.

320. You'll have to go to the safe house without me. Go now!

321. Felix, look out!

322. - Yeah! Yeah! - Find the OSS!

323. Tell them the Third Brain lives! You must find...

324. - Felix, behind you! - What are those things?

325. - Get them! - Felix, get them!

326. Press the blue and green buttons.

327. We can't leave Felix behind!

328. Yes, we can. Blue to close, green to go. Quick!

329. - Here's the green button. - Blue button first!

330. Juni! You never do anything right!

331. Blue, then green! You gotta seal the door!

332. I can't find the blue!

333. Hang on!

334. What are those things?

335. I don't know, but they're catching up!

336. Where's the gas pedal?

337. No! Don't touch anything!

338. Manual override engaged.

339. You weirdo! You switched it to manual!

340. How do you work this thing?

341. It was programed to take us to the safe house.

342. Juni? Juni?

343. Juni, what are you doing down there?

344. Help me!

345. Hang on! I'm coming to get you!

346. Autopilot re-engaged.

347. Wow! We are definitely gonna be late for school.

348. Stop shaking.

349. I can't.

350. Stop shaking, or you'll give yourself more warts.

351. We're gonna be fine. Just be cool

352. and do exactly as I say.

353. Okay.

354. Welcome to the N.I.X. Super Guppy.

355. Juni, don't touch anything.

356. Juni!

357. Whoa! Cool.

358. Destination, safe house.

359. Estimated time for arrival, two hours, 30 minutes.

360. - Juni, close your eyes. - Why?

361. - Just keep them shut, all right? - Okay.

362. Okay, you can open your eyes now.

363. - Thanks. - I just don't want you crying all over me.

364. We're never gonna see them again, are we?

365. Refreshments ready.

366. Would you care for a lullaby, sir?

367. Now flushing your poop.

368. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

369. Very dangerous.

370. Characters from Floop's TV show.

371. They're prisoners.

372. We need the brain, Minion. We're running out of time.

373. Don't worry, sir.

374. Ingrid and Gregorio Cortez are the only agents I know of

375. that never had a weakness,

376. but times change. Now they have two.

377. Did you lock it?

378. Yep.

379. That's the safe house?

380. Looks more like an outhouse.

381. Your name?

382. Carmen Cortez.

383. Your full name, please.

384. I don't use my full name. It's too long.

385. Your full name, please.

386. Carmen Elizabeth Juanita Echo Sky Brava Cortez.

387. My name's a pass-code?

388. This place is amazing.

389. Empty.

390. How safe is a safe house if there's nothing to eat?

391. "Machete's BuddyPack"?

392. "Emergency cash"?

393. From every country.

394. I think I'd better take all of it.

395. Check it out.

396. "Thank you, Carmen!"

397. We'll see them again. Just like they said.

398. So, this time we're supposed to believe them.

399. Let's stop worrying about the children.

400. They still wear diapers.

401. Only one is in diapers and only at night. It's not that unusual, okay?

402. This is why I never wanted to go on another mission.

403. Are you blaming me for this?

404. An hour ago, you seemed pretty happy to be back in the game.

405. An hour ago, I was not a prisoner of war.

406. Okay, we're a little rusty, that's all.

407. This is one way to find out who's behind all this.

408. If I can just get the pressure right.

409. She's still got it.

410. How did you do that? Hey, hey, hey, what about me?

411. Remember when we could sense danger a mile away?

412. - Those were the days. - Yeah.

413. Sweetheart!

414. Clever.

415. Okay, okay, come on, come on.

416. - All right. - Yeah, yeah, fine.

417. Very clever.

418. "Virtual room."

419. Let's go.

420. Where are we?

421. You gotta give him points for imagination.

422. Fifteen minutes to escape. With your reputations,

423. I was expecting something a little more impressive.

424. Finally, we can eat!

425. So, you are Floop.

426. You watch my show!

427. No, my son does.

428. He does? Wonderful!

429. Carmen and Juni.

430. But not your daughter.

431. Carmen, isn't it?

432. And Juni?

433. Your children will be joining us soon.

434. Careful!

435. I snap my fingers,

436. and my fingers snap you.

437. Where are the OSS agents you've taken?

438. Twelve years ago, they were part of a research team for the OSS

439. attempting to create a synthetic intelligence,

440. a compendium of spy knowledge, if you will.

441. Research since destroyed.

442. If the OSS destroyed its research,

443. it was for a reason.

444. We all have our reasons.

445. There was someone else on that research team.

446. Someone else who could rebuild it.

447. Isn't that right, Mr. Cortez?

448. Felix.

449. I think he's gonna be a best-seller. And just in time for the holiday rush.

450. I will never, ever build anything for you.

451. Thank you for joining us.

452. "How To Be A Spy."

453. Author unknown.

454. "A good spy uses..."

455. - Testing! One, two... - Gosh! You're too close!

456. "A good spy uses his head." Got that? It's the first one in the book.

457. Gross!

458. - What do you see? - You.

459. Very funny. Focus your eyes closer

460. on the glasses themselves.

461. Whoa! Maps and readouts.

462. That's the computer screen. It's a database of some kind.

463. The wedding from the story,

464. it was theirs.

465. They should've told us about this stuff.

466. Yeah? What about Diego and Renaldo and all your make-believe friends?

467. Should Mom and Dad know about that?

468. What about all the days you skip school?

469. - Want them to know about that? - That's my business.

470. - Carmen? - I don't have a key.

471. Go knock it against something.

472. "A good spy has no fear."

473. Sorry, Juni! Guess you can't be a spy!

474. "A good spy puts himself..." Herself.

475. "...in the mind-set of the opponent." Mind-set.

476. That's exactly what we'll do.

477. I think it's up to us. You with me?

478. - With you what? - Find the OSS, like Felix said.

479. - Okay. - Then, let's go.

480. Hi! I'm Ms. Gradenko. We work for your parents.

481. - "We"? - I can understand if you don't trust me.

482. You were a baby when we first met.

483. Remember me now?

484. Sorry. I have a key. You see?

485. We're all on the same side. We're here to protect you.

486. My mom has a bracelet like that.

487. OSS standard issue. We all have one.

488. OSS? You work with my parents?

489. Yes. Now, please listen closely. Open your ears.

490. Your father was able to send one last communique this morning

491. before he disappeared.

492. It consisted of five letters.

493. F-L-O-O-P.

494. But you're wrong. Fabulous Floop would never do that.

495. Trust me. He's not that fabulous. In fact, recognize these?

496. Floop's Fooglies. I've got toy versions.

497. This is what they looked like before he mutated them.

498. You mean these mutants are captured secret agents?

499. We're dealing with a genius.

500. Told you Floop was a freak.

501. And you know that cute, little tuneless song the characters sing?

502. Play it backwards...

503. We're trapped! Floop is a madman! Help us! Save us!

504. Floop is a madman! Help us! Save us!

505. A cry for help.

506. Will Floop do that to Mom and Dad?

507. Definitely.

508. Unless he gets something your father helped develop.

509. If there's anything you can possibly remember...

510. - The Third Brain lives. - What?

511. Felix gave us a message to deliver to the OSS, and here you are.

512. Here I am. What's the message?

513. The Third Brain lives.

514. Carmen, you have just joined

515. the ranks of women spies in the OSS.

516. Brilliant.

517. - Girls. - Now,

518. where does the Third Brain live exactly? Did Felix tell you that?

519. I don't think he said.

520. He didn't say?

521. Are you sure?

522. Search the place. It wasn't at the house, so it must be here.

523. You were at our house?

524. No!

525. Oh, my God.

526. It exists.

527. That's what Floop wants?

528. It is so beautiful!

529. Carmen! She's working for Floop!

530. Fly this to Floop's castle immediately.

531. Don't move!

532. You don't even know what those things are.

533. I know they're heavy.

534. That equipment cost millions of dollars!

535. That brain's the only thing keeping Mom and Dad from being zapped!

536. Stop her!

537. Send in the Thumbs.

538. Wait for me!

539. How do you work this thing?

540. Bring her back!

541. Don't you want to see your parents,

542. you little brat?

543. Sorry!

544. Get back!

545. What's wrong with you? They're just children.

546. Bad hair day.

547. Going up!

548. - What? - Where did you go?

549. I'm right behind him! Where are you?

550. I'm toast.

551. Give me back that brain!

552. Get away from me! Tough guy, huh?

553. See ya!

554. My sister!

555. Oh, brother!

556. I can't hold on much longer!

557. Get a grip, you big baby!

558. - I'm slipping! - Hang on, butterfingers!

559. I'm not gonna make it!

560. We're almost there!

561. - Don't drop me! - I'm not gonna drop you!

562. What would you do without me?

563. It's a cruel, cruel world All you little boys and girls.

564. And some mean, nasty people Want to have you for their supper.

565. But if you follow me You can all be free.

566. Free, you can all be free As a bird on a big TV.

567. If you dream, if you dream If you dream my dream.

568. It's a cruel, cruel world Full of nasty boys and girls.

569. Full of selfish, mean, nasty people Nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty.

570. But there's a way You can make your day.

571. You can laugh, you can smile You can come and stay a while.

572. You can dream my dream You can have it all with me.

573. You can dream my dream You can dream my dream.

574. You can dream my dream.

575. Cut!

576. Lock them up!

577. What does it need, Minion?

578. - I don't... - My show! It needs something!

579. That thing that will take it to number one.

580. I can feel it, but I can't think straight enough to figure it out.

581. Floop, you're spending too much time on this program

582. when you should be more concerned with our grand, diabolical plan.

583. - Syndication? - The army of robot children, sir.

584. This hardware is getting in the way of my creative abilities.

585. You lost the children.

586. Not only did they escape,

587. they took the Third Brain with them.

588. - It exists? - Completely. Cortez lied to us.

589. Send our best Thumbs.

590. Sir, if you want to catch a criminal,

591. you send a criminal.

592. If you want to snare a spy...

593. Please speak English, Minion! I've been baking under those studio lights.

594. If you want to find a child,

595. you send a child.

596. That is brilliant, Minion.

597. Thank you, sir.

598. Some locating device.

599. I can't even figure out where the coordinates point to.

600. Who makes this? "Machete Products."

601. What are you doing?

602. That's our bargaining chip on getting Mom and Dad back.

603. This is what Floop wants.

604. I think Mom and Dad would want this destroyed.

605. How do you know what they want?

606. Until this morning, you didn't even know who they were.

607. We keep the brain.

608. For now.

609. Why are you still wearing that?

610. That could be a tracer. They could be tracking us.

611. Don't start pointing fingers at me. I didn't do anything stupid, stupid.

612. You better stop calling me names.

613. Or what?

614. Or I'm gonna call you names.

615. The booger was right.

616. I hate that!

617. Thought I ditched you.

618. Why are you dressed like a geek?

619. We're no longer relatives. Go away.

620. You're just getting stupider by the minute.

621. Get away from me.

622. Hey! Put me down!

623. Always wanted to do this.

624. Tough guy, huh?

625. - Juni! - Put me down!

626. Destroy the brain!

627. Destroy it!

628. They took the brain?

629. Yeah, but I took her necklace. She didn't even notice.

630. They weren't very smart. Yours couldn't even speak.

631. "Limited edition Spy Kid,

632. "1 of 500."

633. Floop's gonna have hundreds of these flying around.

634. The Third Brain makes them smart.

635. They're building an army.

636. We've got to save Mom and Dad. Only they can stop the robots.

637. But who's gonna help us?

638. We had it working.

639. A synthetic intelligence as smart as any spy.

640. Why don't you go ahead and tighten that brain up?

641. The Third Brain System.

642. The OSS director realized

643. it was too dangerous if the wrong forces found the technology.

644. We were ordered to destroy it.

645. Why keep that a secret from me?

646. To protect us from something you destroyed?

647. Or something you didn't?

648. All these secrets from me, from the children,

649. it has to stop.

650. I'm sorry.

651. He wants the brain.

652. If we save our children, we risk the world.

653. So, what in the world do we do?

654. Thanks for taking us this far, but this is all we got.

655. What are we doing here?

656. Dad's code name must be "Hombre."

657. So, this must be Machete.

658. We're getting help from Dad's best man?

659. What are you working on?

660. World's smallest camera.

661. I don't see it.

662. But it sees you.

663. You sell counterintelligence stuff here?

664. - Come back with your parents. - We can't.

665. We need something fast that can get us here.

666. Who are you?

667. Carmen Elizabeth Juanita Echo Sky Brava Cortez.

668. Gregorio Cortez is our father.

669. You were at his wedding.

670. You will turn around, you will leave my shop,

671. because I never want to hear my brother's name mentioned again.

672. You're our uncle?

673. Our real uncle? 'Cause we already got a fake uncle.

674. Gregorio Cortez is my younger brother.

675. President's daughter. President's son.

676. Good. Prime Minister's son.

677. General's daughter.

678. They're all here as planned.

679. I have to get back to my show now.

680. You must focus on the task at hand.

681. We have to prepare the army before Mr. Lisp arrives.

682. I don't believe in this anymore, Minion.

683. - I don't think I ever did. - Explain.

684. The mutated agents, the robot kids,

685. - those aren't my ideas. They're yours. - So, what?

686. I think that's why they're not working.

687. Not yet, they're not.

688. But, you see,

689. I now have the Third Brain.

690. I don't need you anymore.

691. Minion?

692. I assure you, it's Mr. Minion now.

693. And you, Floop, have served your purpose.

694. Children,

695. lock him in the virtual room.

696. You're a secret agent, aren't you?

697. What makes you say that?

698. According to the database, you're always traveling,

699. and no one knows what you do for a living.

700. I think we all have uncles like that.

701. "Another fine Machete product."

702. You make the best spy inventions in the world.

703. That's correct.

704. Yeah, but you sell them to both sides, good and bad.

705. That's why Dad hasn't spoken of you in all these years.

706. Ever sell stuff to Floop?

707. - Why? - Our mom and dad,

708. your brother, are his prisoners, and if we don't do something to help,

709. something really bad is gonna happen to them.

710. I don't see why you won't help him!

711. You think I want to baby-sit my brother the rest of my life?

712. "Watch out for Gregorio." "Take care of Gregorio."

713. "Make sure Gregorio knows right from wrong."

714. Not anymore.

715. Machete's not responsible for nobody but Machete.

716. But that's not what family is.

717. We're just brothers. Cain and Abel were brothers.

718. Look how they ended up.

719. Now, the only thing that will get you to Floop's castle fast enough is this.

720. It's tiny.

721. It's built for one passenger, but it's fast.

722. - Will you go? - No.

723. - For your brother? - No!

724. Then how about for us, your niece and nephew?

725. No.

726. - How about if... - No, no, no! A million times no!

727. Pass the pig intestines.

728. I'm not eating that now. Nope.

729. - Can I have a... - No!

730. Glass of water?

731. Thank you for letting us stay here while we ponder our parents' terrible fate.

732. If you weren't a Cortez, I wouldn't be doing this much.

733. So, family does mean more to you than money.

734. No.

735. Dad misses you, too.

736. - Ready? - Let's go.

737. Now we're talking.

738. - What are you doing? - Getting the map to Floop's castle.

739. It's just a reflex.

740. Look. He's still asleep.

741. Never send an adult to do a kid's job.

742. Yeah.

743. What can I do to help?

744. Remember that spy plane up on the roof?

745. Yeah.

746. Start reading.

747. Homework.

748. No!

749. Hurry up! He's coming! He's coming!

750. Good-bye, Uncle Machete!

751. Thanks for the plane!

752. Okay, so here's the new plan.

753. We get to the castle, rescue Mom and Dad,

754. then somehow stop Floop from using the brain on the robots

755. before they're sent out to dominate the world.

756. Think we can do that?

757. How hard could it be?

758. I didn't do anything.

759. Okay. Airspeed, fine. Altitude, fine.

760. Autopilot, failing?

761. Great. Another fine Machete product.

762. Take control. We have to go to manual.

763. Now!

764. You were supposed to read all the instructions!

765. You skipped a chapter, meathead.

766. Better stop calling me names.

767. Pull up, booger breath!

768. Stop it, or I'll call you names.

769. Go ahead. You got nothing on me, warthog.

770. Try me, diaper lady.

771. Hope you're wearing one now.

772. How long have you known?

773. Since forever. Mom made me swear not to mention it.

774. So, now we're even!

775. Now you've done it!

776. I knew this was gonna happen!

777. We're gonna crash if you don't do something!

778. You did that on purpose, you kamikaze!

779. But now it's balanced!

780. Landing gear.

781. No landing gear. We're gonna crash!

782. Nope. We're gonna drop.

783. - Drop? - Get your regulator ready.

784. - Com systems check. Can you hear me? - Yeah.

785. Let's try that cave over there.

786. This must be in.

787. You're kidding.

788. It's a cave of sleeping sharks.

789. - Sharks don't sleep. - Wanna bet?

790. I did a science project on them.

791. At depths where the water salinization's just right,

792. they gather to sleep.

793. I bet they're guarding the way in. It looks like the door over there.

794. Wow. Cool.

795. Don't touch it.

796. Is it a man-eater?

797. No, but you're not a man yet.

798. It might think you're an oversized guppy and gobble you up.

799. Hey, little sleepy sharky.

800. It's asleep, silly.

801. I knew that.

802. Come on.

803. Sweet dreams, sharky.

804. A surveillance camera. I'm gonna distract it, you wait here.

805. - Don't leave me. - Wait here.

806. Say, "Cheese."

807. I hope there's a restroom around here.

808. I take a picture of the door

809. and place it in front of the surveillance camera

810. so it can't see us go inside.

811. I gotta go pee, and I can't hold it.

812. Don't pee.

813. You'll change the water salinization and wake up all the sharks.

814. I can't help it. All this warm water...

815. No. Another camera pointing straight at me.

816. What do I do?

817. Why aren't you watching the monitors?

818. Get more fingers in here if you have to.

819. I couldn't hold it anymore.

820. I'm breaking the code. Almost there. Wait a second, Juni. Keep holding it.

821. Carmen?

822. Leave me alone! I'm almost there.

823. Carmen.

824. Way to go, butter bladder! Now we're both oversized guppies!

825. Go back to sleep!

826. Close the door, Carmen!

827. - I'm trying! - Try faster!

828. I'll never pee again.

829. A Thumb-Thumb.

830. A real live...

831. What did you do to him?

832. Machete's electroshock gumballs. It says "Long lasting,"

833. but I don't trust wrappers.

834. Come on.

835. Over here. Juni, come on.

836. - What are you doing? - World's smallest cameras.

837. I just placed them all over the main hallways.

838. - Sweet. - Thanks.

839. Thumb-Thumbs and Fooglies

840. coming up the south hall.

841. - Got an idea? - Yeah.

842. Agent Donnagon?

843. Where's my mom and dad?

844. Thanks.

845. - I got it. - What'd he say?

846. I'll play it backwards.

847. The dungeon. They're in the dungeon. Hurry.

848. See if they know where the brain room is.

849. Thumb-Thumbs, everywhere.

850. Let's see if they like bubbles.

851. We'll be back for you, fellow agents.

852. All robots, please report to docking bays four, five and six

853. for immediate loading.

854. This is the ventilator shaft, here.

855. Yeah, but the dungeon's on the other side of the castle.

856. How do we get there undetected?

857. I think they've gotten smarter since the last time we met.

858. Intruder.

859. - Intruder. - Intruder.

860. - Can you make it? - I think so.

861. Come on. Come on!

862. - Carmen! - Find Mom and Dad!

863. I hope this leads to the dungeon.

864. You, there.

865. What's that on your hands?

866. Warts, aren't they?

867. Great.

868. From sweaty hands sprout warts.

869. Do you know why you have sweaty hands?

870. From being scared all the time.

871. You don't look very scared to me.

872. That's because I'm mad. You kidnapped my parents,

873. made psycho robot children and swallowed up my sister.

874. But I didn't want any of that.

875. - I thought Floop was a genius. - You did?

876. You watch my show?

877. More than you know.

878. Alexander Minion.

879. Agent Cortez.

880. Wonderful to see you again.

881. - You know him? - Yeah.

882. He was on the Third Brain Project,

883. until I noticed he was trying to inject his own ideas into the system.

884. I turned him in.

885. He was thrown out of the OSS.

886. I'm afraid I'm not nearly the artist Floop is,

887. but not to worry.

888. I have something else in mind.

889. What do you think you're going to accomplish by doing this?

890. Well, you see, Mrs. Cortez,

891. I've always been methodical,

892. goal-orientated, psychotically so.

893. I'm not afraid of you, Alex.

894. So, I think it's refreshing to, every once in a while,

895. have some fun.

896. And don't worry about your little brats.

897. They'll still be able to see you

898. every weekday morning between 7:30 and 8:00.

899. I trust this time Floop will have a success to show us.

900. The Fabulous Floop is away on other business, sir.

901. Your army is complete.

902. The ultimate destructive force is now within your grasp.

903. I'll believe that when I see it.

904. Welcome back, Ms. Gradenko.

905. It's good to be back, Alex.

906. Let's never have children.

907. - So, Minion is the evil one? - Yes.

908. But I will be blamed.

909. You have every reason to be disappointed in me.

910. So, what would you do if you could shut this thing off

911. and get out of here?

912. It's impossible. It can only be turned off from the outside.

913. Just suppose.

914. I'd stop Minion.

915. I'd stop the robot army and hope

916. that the world would forgive me.

917. You're my hero, Floop, so I'm gonna help you,

918. then you're gonna help me.

919. - Minion must be stopped. - Just one thing.

920. My show, what does it need?

921. I know it needs something desperately,

922. but I can't figure it out. Maybe you can?

923. It needs children.

924. Hold still.

925. Now, let's stop Minion.

926. Must be stopped. Must be stopped!

927. This one's for my sister!

928. Juni.

929. Hola.

930. Carmen?

931. - Juni? - Mom!

932. That's my Fooglie!

933. The one I drew.

934. It's Dad.

935. You're here!

936. - What's he doing here? - He's okay. He's okay.

937. How did you get here?

938. Mom, I've been skipping school, going places,

939. taking ferry rides in the city.

940. It's okay. It's okay. I know. We'll talk about it when we get home.

941. - Running off to Belize. - What? You went where?

942. You're right. Let's just talk about this when we get home.

943. No, no, no, no.

944. You can tell me everything now, okay?

945. Is that where you want to be, free from your family?

946. Hey!

947. I used to. Not anymore.

948. You turned my dad into a Fooglie?

949. No, I didn't.

950. But I might be able to change him back.

951. Gentlemen,

952. your army marches to meet us as we speak.

953. Your faith and your patience have meant more than you know.

954. I speak for Mr. Floop when I say that the value

955. we place on partnership is...

956. Minion! This is Floop.

957. Please report to the robotics lab at once.

958. We have huge, major, big time problems with the robots.

959. - I thought you said Floop wasn't here. - He's not.

960. A problem, Mr. Minion, as in mucho grande problemo.

961. I'm gonna just be a moment.

962. Minion!

963. Floop!

964. Where are you?

965. Behind you.

966. What do you think you're doing?

967. You're supposed to be in line with the others.

968. You're supposed to be in line with the others.

969. - Stop that. - Stop that!

970. - Stop that this instant! - Stop that this instant!

971. Stop that right now!

972. Or what?

973. Clever boy you've got there, Cortez. Very clever, indeed.

974. Yes. He gets that from his mother.

975. Can I offer some sort of truce in exchange for your daughter?

976. Spoken for.

977. There you are. Didn't see you. Didn't see her.

978. I am going to show you what happens when you cross the line and involve family.

979. Now, let's get nice and comfortable.

980. - Promising. - Thank you.

981. You couldn't possibly.

982. No, but you can.

983. Don't let go. Ingrid.

984. Hey, you two, come on.

985. Fools.

986. Come on.

987. We have to keep the army from leaving the castle.

988. Our only chance is to get to the control room

989. and hope that their missions have not been programed.

990. And what if they have?

991. Then there's no one on earth who can stop them.

992. - One at a time. - Go.

993. Left, left, left, left!

994. That way. Where's Mom and Dad?

995. - Your doppelgangers have them. - Can you shut them down from here?

996. It's too late. The Third Brain is linked not only to them

997. - but to all the robot children. - Can't you remove it?

998. We can't just take 500 brains out!

999. - So don't. Just reprogram it. - That would take weeks!

1000. - Just two words. - A binary switch. Of course.

1001. So, they would define right as wrong...

1002. And wrong as right. Come on.

1003. But it's not that simple.

1004. Figure it out. We'll be back for you.

1005. Teach them to be good.

1006. Have a seat, Mr. Lithp. You'll be more comfortable.

1007. It's Lisp.

1008. My army, Ms. Gradenko, is the only comfort I need.

1009. They're on their way now, sir.

1010. Minion?

1011. What happened to your head?

1012. Don't worry. I think it's reversible.

1013. Mom! Dad!

1014. Careful. They're stronger and smarter now.

1015. So are we.

1016. See?

1017. Shiitake mushrooms.

1018. Let's go.

1019. Lisp. I should have known you were behind this.

1020. I take it you are Minion.

1021. Ms. Gradenko, I think.

1022. It's me, all right. I owe my new look to your children.

1023. Remind me to raise their allowance.

1024. Minion, I think now would be a good time

1025. to see a demonstration of those wonderfully demonic children of yours.

1026. Certainly.

1027. Your parents were so easy to capture,

1028. and you're not any better.

1029. Poor little Juni.

1030. Defenseless and weak.

1031. You're a worthless little squirt.

1032. Juni! Don't listen to her! You're not worthless!

1033. You figured out how to get us here.

1034. You helped Floop realize he was good, not bad.

1035. You talked to the Fooglies and saved Mom and Dad.

1036. You're strong, Juni! You're strong!

1037. You're not that strong, Juni!

1038. Puny Juni.

1039. It's all over.

1040. Instant cement!

1041. That should hold them.

1042. - Let's go find Mom and Dad. - Good idea.

1043. All robots report to the grand room

1044. for a final demonstration of your destructive powers.

1045. - Mom, Dad! - Juni!

1046. Carmen, Juni, close your eyes. We don't want you to see this, okay?

1047. - Any ideas? - I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

1048. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

1049. - Carmen? - No. Juni?

1050. I've thought it out. Yes, I've thought it out.

1051. - I think I got it. - Tell us.

1052. Family, here's what we do.

1053. I'll take the 100 on the right.

1054. Ingrid, you take the 100 on the left.

1055. Carmen, 100 center-left.

1056. Juni, center-right.

1057. It'll work. It'll work.

1058. There's 500 total, Dad.

1059. We need one more person.

1060. - Isador. - Hello, little brother.

1061. Children!

1062. Tear them limb from limb.

1063. Good. How? How?

1064. I'll have to teach them. Shaped by environment, man...

1065. Of course!

1066. Minion! Tell them to put me down!

1067. Their mind is a mirror now, sir.

1068. Anything we tell them goes in one ear and out the other!

1069. Why did you come back?

1070. For the same reason I left.

1071. You know what?

1072. I don't remember that reason.

1073. Neither do I.

1074. It's okay, it's okay.

1075. It's okay. Let it go. Let it go. He's fine. He's gonna be fine.

1076. He's emotional. Latinos.

1077. Okay. That's it. That's it. That's it.

1078. So, what did you teach them?

1079. It's not what I can teach the children,

1080. but what you taught me.

1081. You won today, Juni,

1082. and not because you were the biggest or the strongest,

1083. but because you were pure of heart and of mind.

1084. And now the robots have learned that as well.

1085. Thank you.

1086. We went on the old-fashioned adventure I always wanted.

1087. And we didn't do one thing right.

1088. Nope.

1089. We did two things right.

1090. There is something that we have to tell you.

1091. Your father and I,

1092. we're secret agents.

1093. We have something to tell you.

1094. We are secret agents, too.

1095. Eight more incidents witnessed today, all in different countries,

1096. of yet another group of children who've done some incredible good deeds.

1097. It seems that a day doesn't go by that another amazing child

1098. performs some outstanding act of charity or community service.

1099. Who are these children? And why are they so good at being good?

1100. I gotta have the business section.

1101. I thought you closed down your shop.

1102. Yeah, but I gotta keep tabs on free enterprise.

1103. Boys, can we please stop fighting?

1104. Hey, kids, it's time for Floop's Fooglies!

1105. Good morning, my children.

1106. Today, I'd like to introduce you to two new characters on our show.

1107. Carmenita and Junito.

1108. Cortezes.

1109. An emergency assignment has come up in the Far East.

1110. I need you on it right away.

1111. Sorry, Devlin.

1112. We haven't talked about this as a family yet, so...

1113. Whether we come out of retirement or not

1114. is a decision that is up to us and our kids.

1115. Gregorio, Ingrid, I wasn't talking to you.

1116. No, this assignment is for Carmen and Juni. They're the ones we need.

1117. They're the two most amazing field agents that this organization's ever seen.

1118. So, what do you say, kids? You up for it?

1119. Devlin, if you want the Cortezes, you take all the Cortezes.

1120. Even Mom and Dad.

1121. From now on, whatever we do, we do together.

1122. Spy work, that's easy.

1123. Keeping a family together, that's difficult.

1124. And that's the mission worth fighting for.