1. - Colonel Sandurz!
- What is it, Sergeant Ricco?Copy !req
2. You told me to let you know the moment
Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.Copy !req
3. - So?
- Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.Copy !req
4. You're really a Spaceball.Copy !req
5. - You know that, don't you?
- Thanks, sir.Copy !req
6. - Have you notified Lord Helmet?
- Yes, sir. He's on his way.Copy !req
7. Make way for Dark Helmet.Copy !req
8. All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.Copy !req
9. I can't breathe in this thing!Copy !req
10. - We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
- Good.Copy !req
11. I'll call Spaceball City
and notify President Skroob.Copy !req
12. I already called him, sir.
He knows everything.Copy !req
13. What?Copy !req
14. You went over my helmet?Copy !req
15. Not exactly over, sir.
Uh, m-m-more to the side.Copy !req
16. I'll always call you first.
It'll never happen again. Never, ever!Copy !req
17. Oh, shit!Copy !req
18. No, no, no, no! No, no!Copy !req
19. Please, please, please! No, no, not that!Copy !req
20. Yes, that.Copy !req
21. Whoa! Oh!Copy !req
22. Ooh! Ooh! Oh!Copy !req
23. Ooh! Ooh! Ow!Copy !req
24. - Sandurz!
- Sir?Copy !req
25. I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?Copy !req
26. We have it on the radar screen.
Shall I punch it up for you?Copy !req
27. - Nah, I'll do it myself.
- Very good, sir.Copy !req
28. What's the matter with this thing?
You call that a radar screen?Copy !req
29. No, sir. We call it... Mr Coffee.Copy !req
30. Care for some?Copy !req
31. Yes!Copy !req
32. - I always have coffee when I watch radar.
- Of course.Copy !req
33. - Everybody knows that.
- Of course we do, sir.Copy !req
34. Now that I have my coffee,
I'm ready to watch radar.Copy !req
35. Where is it?Copy !req
36. - Right here, sir.
- Switch to teleview.Copy !req
37. There it is. Planet Druidia.Copy !req
38. And under the air shield
10,000 years of fresh air.Copy !req
39. - We must get through the shield.
- We will, sir.Copy !req
40. Once we kidnap the princess, her father'll
give us the combination to the air shield,Copy !req
41. thereby destroying Planet Druidia
and saving Planet Spaceball.Copy !req
42. Everybody got that?Copy !req
43. - Good. When will the princess marry?
- Within the hour, sir.Copy !req
44. Well, I hope it's a long ceremony,
cos it's gonna be a short honeymoon.Copy !req
45. Mm! Mm!Copy !req
46. Mm!Copy !req
47. Hot! Too hot!Copy !req
48. Oh, if only your mother
were alive to see this day.Copy !req
49. - Everyone ready?
- Yes, Your Majesty.Copy !req
50. - No. Where's my droid of honour?
- Oh, dear, yes! Where's Dot?Copy !req
51. Dot!Copy !req
52. Dot Matrix!Copy !req
53. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
54. - Where have you been?
- Here I am.Copy !req
55. Sorry. I had to make a pit stop.Copy !req
56. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.Copy !req
57. All right, people. It's magic time.Copy !req
58. Right, everyone starting on the left foot.Copy !req
59. - Daddy, that's your right foot.
- It's too late. Keep going.Copy !req
60. Daddy?Copy !req
61. - Must I go through with this?
- I'm sorry, my dear. You have to.Copy !req
62. But, Daddy?Copy !req
63. I don't love him.Copy !req
64. I'm sorry, Vespa.
He's the last prince left in the galaxy.Copy !req
65. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
on this most joyous occasionCopy !req
66. to witness Princess Vespa,
daughter of King Roland...Copy !req
67. going right past the altar,
heading down the ramp, and out the door!Copy !req
68. Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!Copy !req
69. Hey, wait! You forgot to get married.Copy !req
70. Will you stop?Copy !req
71. - What are you doing?
- No questions, Dot. Get in!Copy !req
72. Where is she going?! Where is she going?Copy !req
73. Come ba... ...Copy !req
74. ...ck!Copy !req
75. # Ooh, yeah!Copy !req
76. # YouCopy !req
77. # You got a nasty reputationCopy !req
78. # We're in a sticky situationCopy !req
79. # It's down to me and youCopy !req
80. # So tell me, is it true?Copy !req
81. # They say there ain't nobody better...Copy !req
82. Barf...Copy !req
83. Barf.Copy !req
84. Ba-arf!Copy !req
85. Huh?Copy !req
86. # Raise your hands...Copy !req
87. - Barf?
- Always when I'm eating.Copy !req
88. Barf!Copy !req
89. - What can I do you for?
- Where you been?Copy !req
90. - Grabbin' a snack. Want some?
- No.Copy !req
91. - Little hair of the dog?
- No! Listen, answer that for me.Copy !req
92. - Will you watch that?
- Oh, sorry.Copy !req
93. I'll just throw on your audio.
That way they won't see you.Copy !req
94. - Y'hello!
- Hello, Lone Starr.Copy !req
95. Sorry, wrong switch.Copy !req
96. Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?Copy !req
97. No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not what I want.Copy !req
98. It's what he wants.Copy !req
99. Pizza The Hutt!Copy !req
100. Well, if it isn't Lone Starr...Copy !req
101. ...and his sidekick, Puke.Copy !req
102. - That's Barf.
- Barf, Puke, whatever!Copy !req
103. - Where's my money?
- Don't worry. You'll have it by next week.Copy !req
104. No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.Copy !req
105. A hundred thousand space bucks...
by tomorrow?!Copy !req
106. A hundred thousand?Copy !req
107. No way! You forgot late charges,Copy !req
108. which brings it up to,
uh... one million space bucks.Copy !req
109. A million?! That's unfair.Copy !req
110. Unfair to the payer,Copy !req
111. but not to the payee.Copy !req
112. But you're gonna pay it...Copy !req
113. ...or else.Copy !req
114. Or else what?Copy !req
115. Tell him, Vinnie.Copy !req
116. Or else PizzaCopy !req
117. is gonna send out for you.Copy !req
118. Mm!Copy !req
119. You're delicious.Copy !req
120. Ciao, boys.Copy !req
121. Can we talk?Copy !req
122. OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill.Copy !req
123. But you could've married him for your
father, then had a headache for 25 years.Copy !req
124. Will you turn that thing off?Copy !req
125. What?Copy !req
126. What is it?Copy !req
127. I was saying,
do you realise what you've done?Copy !req
128. Yes! And I'm glad.Copy !req
129. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.Copy !req
130. I wonder if she's glad.Copy !req
131. Don't be ridiculous!Copy !req
132. As President of Planet Spaceball,
I can assure both you and your viewersCopy !req
133. that there's absolutely
no air shortage whatsoever.Copy !req
134. Yes, of course.
I've heard the same rumour myself.Copy !req
135. Yes, thanks for calling
and not reversing the charges. Yes, bye.Copy !req
136. Shithead!Copy !req
137. President Skroob?Copy !req
138. Yes?Copy !req
139. This is Central Control.
Commanderette Zircon speaking, sir.Copy !req
140. What is it?Copy !req
141. Lord Helmet has just notified us
that Princess Vespa is in sight.Copy !req
142. - And Spaceball One is closing in on her.
- Good, good.Copy !req
143. We have both ships coming up
on the Teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.Copy !req
144. - I'll be down immediately.
- Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?Copy !req
145. I don't know about that
beaming stuff. Is it safe?Copy !req
146. Oh, yes, sir.
Snotty beamed me twice last night.Copy !req
147. It was wonderful.Copy !req
148. All right, I'll take a shot at it.
What the hell, it works on Star Trek.Copy !req
149. Snotty!Copy !req
150. - Beam him down.
- Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.Copy !req
151. Great beasties! His head!Copy !req
152. - It's on backwards!
- Well, this is terrible! Do something!Copy !req
153. I'm sorry, sir. There must have been
a micro-converter malfunction.Copy !req
154. Why didn't somebody tell me
my ass was so big?Copy !req
155. Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam.Copy !req
156. Could be the interlocking system.Copy !req
157. Lock one. Lock two. Lock three.Copy !req
158. Loch Lomond.Copy !req
159. Are you all right, Mr President?Copy !req
160. Fine, fine, no thanks to you.Copy !req
161. - We'll beam you back, sir.
- Forget it, forget it. No more beaming.Copy !req
162. This time I'm gonna walk!Copy !req
163. President Skroob! Salute!Copy !req
164. Hail, Skroob!Copy !req
165. - Hello, President Skroob.
- Oh, uh...Copy !req
166. - Hello, Charlene.
- I'm Marlene!Copy !req
167. - Hello, Marlene.
- I'm Charlene!Copy !req
168. Chew your gum.Copy !req
169. - Where's the princess?
- Right there, sir.Copy !req
170. To the left, approaching Spaceball One
at 1500 light leagues per minute.Copy !req
171. Good, good! She's almost in our grasp.Copy !req
172. Tell Dark Helmet
he must take the princess alive.Copy !req
173. Princess Vespa's spaceship within range.Copy !req
174. Good.
Fire a warning shot across her nose.Copy !req
175. What's going on?Copy !req
176. It's either the Fourth of July,
or someone's trying to kill us!Copy !req
177. Hey, I don't have to put up with this.Copy !req
178. I'm rich.Copy !req
179. - What are you doing?
- I'm calling my father.Copy !req
180. 1- 800- DRUIDIA.Copy !req
181. Careful, you idiot!
I said across her nose, not up it!Copy !req
182. Sorry, sir. Doing my best.Copy !req
183. - Who made that man a gunner?
- I did, sir.Copy !req
184. He's my cousin.Copy !req
185. - Who is he?
- He's an Asshole, sir.Copy !req
186. - I know that! What's his name?
- That is his name, sir. Major Asshole.Copy !req
187. - And his cousin?
- An Asshole, too. Gunner Phillip Asshole.Copy !req
188. How many Assholes
we got on this ship anyhow?Copy !req
189. Yo!Copy !req
190. I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes.Copy !req
191. Keep firing, Assholes!Copy !req
192. Hurry, Daddy! Hurry!Copy !req
193. There are laser blasts all around us!Copy !req
194. I'm scared.Copy !req
195. King Roland to Lone Starr!
King Roland to Lone Starr! Are you there?Copy !req
196. Lone Starr, you've got to help me. My
daughter's being attacked by Spaceballs.Copy !req
197. Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.Copy !req
198. Besides, I'm already n�mero uno
on Dark Helmet's hit list.Copy !req
199. Look, Your Highness,
it's not that we're afraid.Copy !req
200. It's just that we've got this thing
about death. It's not us.Copy !req
201. You're the only ones that can save her!
I'll give you anything!Copy !req
202. Did you hear me? Anything!Copy !req
203. - Anything?
- Yes, anything!Copy !req
204. - OK, we'll do it for... a million.
- A million!Copy !req
205. Oh, you're starting to fade,
Your Highness.Copy !req
206. All right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.Copy !req
207. All right, King. You just made a deal.Copy !req
208. One princess for one million space bucks.Copy !req
209. - What's she driving?
- A brand-new white Mercedes 2001Copy !req
210. SEL limited edition.
Moonroof, all-leather interior.Copy !req
211. I got it at a good price. I paid cash.Copy !req
212. My cousin Prince Murray has
a dealership. He was very nice to me.Copy !req
213. We get the idea.
Where was she last seen?Copy !req
214. - She was just passing Jupiter Two.
- We'll find her.Copy !req
215. Please, bring her back safely!Copy !req
216. And if it's at all possible,
try to save the car.Copy !req
217. One million space bucks!
We can pay off Pizza!Copy !req
218. Gimme paw!Copy !req
219. What's happening?Copy !req
220. What's that glow?Copy !req
221. - We're not moving.
- Oh, we're moving all right.Copy !req
222. Backwards!Copy !req
223. There's our princess. She's got company.Copy !req
224. Oh, no. Spaceballs. And they've
got her in their magnetic beam.Copy !req
225. Oh, well, we're too late.
I'll just reverse and we'll go.Copy !req
226. Barf! No. Bad.Copy !req
227. Why are we risking our lives
for a princess? I know we need money...Copy !req
228. Listen!
We're not just doing this for money.Copy !req
229. We're doing it for a shitload of money!Copy !req
230. Oh, you're right.
And when you're right, you're right.Copy !req
231. And you're always right.Copy !req
232. OK, we save her, but how?
They're gonna spot us on their radar.Copy !req
233. - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
234. - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
235. Uh-uh, not if we jam it.Copy !req
236. Aha! You're right.Copy !req
237. - Down scope!
- Down scope.Copy !req
238. Radar about to be...Copy !req
239. jammed.Copy !req
240. Sh...Copy !req
241. ...it!Copy !req
242. Sir?Copy !req
243. - What is it?
- Can I talk to you for a moment, sir?Copy !req
244. - Well?
- Trouble with the radar, sir.Copy !req
245. You don't need that, Private. What is it?Copy !req
246. Trouble with the radar, sir.Copy !req
247. - What is it?!
- Trouble with the radar.Copy !req
248. - What's wrong?
- I've lost the bleeps, sweeps and creeps.Copy !req
249. - The what?
- The what?Copy !req
250. You know. The bleeps:Copy !req
251. The sweeps:Copy !req
252. And the creeps:Copy !req
253. That's not all he's lost.Copy !req
254. Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be...Copy !req
255. jammed!Copy !req
256. Jammed.Copy !req
257. Raspberry.Copy !req
258. There is only one man
who would dare give me the raspberry.Copy !req
259. Lone Starr!Copy !req
260. What was that?Copy !req
261. Never mind that. What was that?Copy !req
262. Hi.Copy !req
263. - Who are you?
- Barf.Copy !req
264. Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.Copy !req
265. No, that's my name. Barf.Copy !req
266. Barf? What are you?Copy !req
267. I'm a mog. Half man, half dog.
I'm my own best friend.Copy !req
268. What do you want?Copy !req
269. Your father hired Lone Starr and me
to save you. We gotta go.Copy !req
270. - Good. Quick. Hurry. Follow the dog.
- Mog. I'm a mog.Copy !req
271. Wait. What about my matched luggage?Copy !req
272. Hey, stop looking up my can.Copy !req
273. Sorry.Copy !req
274. Checking in?Copy !req
275. What the hell is all that?Copy !req
276. Her Royal Highness's
matched luggage!Copy !req
277. What?Copy !req
278. Her Royal Highness's matched luggage.Copy !req
279. Oh, matched luggage, huh? What's
she think this is, a Princess Cruise?Copy !req
280. - Ow!
- She wouldn't go without it.Copy !req
281. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
282. Ah!Copy !req
283. Now hear this! The minute we get
outta here the first thing we do is...Copy !req
284. ... dump the matched luggage!Copy !req
285. Who was that?Copy !req
286. Now you hear this, whoever you are.Copy !req
287. You will not touch that luggage.Copy !req
288. And, furthermore,
I want this pigsty cleaned up.Copy !req
289. I will not be rescued in such filth.Copy !req
290. Listen! On this ship,
I don't take orders, I give 'em.Copy !req
291. This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.Copy !req
292. - Sweetheart?
- Uh-oh.Copy !req
293. How dare you speak to me that way!Copy !req
294. You will address me as
"Your Royal Highness".Copy !req
295. I am Princess Vespa.
Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.Copy !req
296. That's all we needed.Copy !req
297. A Druish princess.Copy !req
298. Funny, she doesn't look Druish.Copy !req
299. Now we will show her
who is in charge of this galaxy.Copy !req
300. Hold it!Copy !req
301. I'll handle this personally.Copy !req
302. Jawohl, Lord Helmet.Copy !req
303. So, Princess Vespa,Copy !req
304. you thought you could outwit
the forces of Planet Spaceball.Copy !req
305. Well, you were wrong.Copy !req
306. You are now our prisoner. And you will
be held hostage until such timeCopy !req
307. as all of the air is transferred
from your planetCopy !req
308. to ours.Copy !req
309. She's not in there!Copy !req
310. Radar repaired, sir. We're
picking up the outline of a... Winnebago.Copy !req
311. Winnebago?Copy !req
312. Lone Starr.Copy !req
313. Lone Starr...Copy !req
314. - Uh-oh, here comes the Badyear blimp.
- We'd better get outta here in a hurry.Copy !req
315. - Switch to secret hyper jets.
- Switching to secret hyper jets.Copy !req
316. Buckle up back there,
we're going into... hyperactive.Copy !req
317. We're closing in on them, sir.
Soon Lone Starr will be ours.Copy !req
318. Good. Prepare to attack.Copy !req
319. Prepare to attack!Copy !req
320. On the count of three.Copy !req
321. One...Copy !req
322. two...Copy !req
323. ...late! What happened? Where are they?Copy !req
324. I don't know, sir.
They must have hyper jets.Copy !req
325. - And what have we got? A Cuisinart?
- No, sir.Copy !req
326. - Well, find them! Catch them!
- Yes, sir!Copy !req
327. - Prepare ship for light speed.
- No, no, light speed is too slow.Copy !req
328. - Light speed too slow?
- Yes. We're gonna have to go right to...Copy !req
329. ...ludicrous speed.
- Ludicrous speed?Copy !req
330. We've never gone that fast.
Maybe the ship can't take it.Copy !req
331. What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?
Chicken?Copy !req
332. Prepare ship...Copy !req
333. Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.Copy !req
334. Fasten all seat belts.
Seal all entrances and exits.Copy !req
335. Close all shops in the mall.
Cancel the three-ring circus.Copy !req
336. - Secure all animals in the zoo...
- Shut up, you petty excuse for an officer!Copy !req
337. Now hear this. Ludicrous speed!Copy !req
338. - Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
- Oh, buckle this!Copy !req
339. Ludicrous speed! Go!Copy !req
340. What have I done?Copy !req
341. My brains... are going into my feet.Copy !req
342. What the hell was that?Copy !req
343. Spaceball One.Copy !req
344. They've gone to plaid!Copy !req
345. We passed them! Stop this thing!Copy !req
346. We can't stop. It's too dangerous.Copy !req
347. We've got to slow down first.Copy !req
348. Bullshit!Copy !req
349. Just stop this thing! I order you!Copy !req
350. Stop!Copy !req
351. Oh!Copy !req
352. Here, sir, here. Let me help you, sir.Copy !req
353. - Are you all right, sir?
- Fine. How have you been?Copy !req
354. - Fine, sir.
- Good.Copy !req
355. - Good thing you were wearing a helmet.
- Yeah.Copy !req
356. What shall we do now, sir?Copy !req
357. - Well... Are we stopped?
- We're stopped, sir.Copy !req
358. Good.Copy !req
359. - Why don't we take a five-minute break?
- Very good, sir.Copy !req
360. Smoke if you got 'em.Copy !req
361. - Take her out of hyperactive.
- Takin' her out of hyperactive.Copy !req
362. Congrats, boss. We did it.Copy !req
363. They overshot us by a week.Copy !req
364. - OK. Set a course for Druidia.
- Setting a course for Drui-i-i-i...Copy !req
365. - What's that?
- I don't know. We're losin' power.Copy !req
366. We're out of gas!Copy !req
367. - Must have burned it up in hyper.
- Should've put more than $5 worth in!Copy !req
368. OK, we'll have to set her down.
Prepare for an emergency landing.Copy !req
369. - Quick, give me a reading.
- "Our Father, who art in heaven..."Copy !req
370. Stop that!Copy !req
371. Keep your seat belts on.
You OK, Princess?Copy !req
372. No, you idiot!
Where'd you learn how to fly?Copy !req
373. OK, Eagle Five coming in.Copy !req
374. Go left. Right! I mean right! Whoa!Copy !req
375. Oh!Copy !req
376. - Where are you going?
- I am going to tell him off once and for all.Copy !req
377. W- w-w-wait!
We'll need him to get us out of here.Copy !req
378. Called me an idiot? I'm goin' back there
and explain a few things to her.Copy !req
379. Besides, he's got a sexy voice.
He might be cute.Copy !req
380. - You haven't seen what she looks like.
- I have. All princesses look the same.Copy !req
381. Cute! I know these space bums.
They're all alike.Copy !req
382. - Fat, ugly...
- Bucktoothed, knock-kneed...Copy !req
383. ...beer-swilling pigs.
...horse-faced space dogs.Copy !req
384. Normally I'd...
Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark.Copy !req
385. Now, listen, you...Copy !req
386. You listen. On this ship you're to refer
to me as "idiot", not "you Captain".Copy !req
387. - I mean... You know what I mean.
- And you will not call me "you".Copy !req
388. You will never address me as "you".Copy !req
389. You will call me "Your Royal Highness"!Copy !req
390. You are a royal pain in the...Copy !req
391. - Whoa! Hold it. Time.
- What?Copy !req
392. May I make a suggestion? Any minute
the Spaceballs will make a U-turn,Copy !req
393. head back this way
and make us all dead.Copy !req
394. He's right. Let's go.Copy !req
395. Wait. My things.Copy !req
396. Now, listen, you royal...Copy !req
397. ...Highness.Copy !req
398. Take only what you need to survive.Copy !req
399. Please, slow down.
I'm getting sand up my gears.Copy !req
400. Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything.Copy !req
401. All right, wait a minute, Barf. Put it down.Copy !req
402. - What the hell's in this thing?
- I dunno.Copy !req
403. What's this?
I said take only what you need to survive.Copy !req
404. It's my industrial-strength hair dryer.Copy !req
405. And I can't live without it!Copy !req
406. OK, Princess, that's it.
The fairy tale is over.Copy !req
407. Welcome to real life.Copy !req
408. You want this hot-air machine,
you carry it.Copy !req
409. You pick that up.Copy !req
410. You pick that up.Copy !req
411. How dare you, you insolent peasant!Copy !req
412. Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!Copy !req
413. Nobody!Copy !req
414. Well, what have we got here?
Will you look at her?Copy !req
415. Those flashing eyes, those
flushed cheeks, those trembling lips.Copy !req
416. You know something, Princess?Copy !req
417. You are ugly when you're angry.Copy !req
418. - Uh-oh.
- That's it.Copy !req
419. - You and your dog are...
- Please, please,Copy !req
420. total humans, droids, if I may.Copy !req
421. It'll be dark soon,
so I suggest we find a place to camp.Copy !req
422. Come, darling.Copy !req
423. - See? It's lighter.
- Oh, yeah. This is the best.Copy !req
424. I could have carried two or three of these.Copy !req
425. Have you found them yet?Copy !req
426. No, Lord Helmet.
They're still not on the scanner.Copy !req
427. Well, keep looking for them.Copy !req
428. Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.Copy !req
429. Corporal, get me the video cassette
of Spaceballs: The Movie.Copy !req
430. Yes, sir.Copy !req
431. The Producers, Blazing Saddles,
Young Frankenstein...Copy !req
432. - Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
433. How can there be a cassette
of the movie? We're still making it!Copy !req
434. True, sir. But there's been a breakthrough
in home-video marketing.Copy !req
435. - There has?
- Yes. Instant cassettes.Copy !req
436. They're out in stores
before the movie is finished.Copy !req
437. - Nah!
- Here it is, sir.Copy !req
438. - Spaceballs.
- Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.Copy !req
439. - Prepare to fast-forward.
- Preparing to fast-forward.Copy !req
440. - Fast-forward!
- Fast-forwarding, sir.Copy !req
441. No, no, no, go past this. Past this part.
In fact, never play this again.Copy !req
442. Try here. Stop.Copy !req
443. What the hell am I looking at?
When does this happen in the movie?Copy !req
444. Now. You're looking at now. Everything
that happens now is happening now.Copy !req
445. - And then?
- We passed then.Copy !req
446. - When?
- Just now. We're at now, now.Copy !req
447. - Go back to then.
- When?Copy !req
448. - Now.
- Now?Copy !req
449. - Now!
- I can't. We missed it.Copy !req
450. - When?
- Just now.Copy !req
451. - When will then be now?
- Soon.Copy !req
452. - How soon?
- Sir, we've identified their location.Copy !req
453. - Where?
- The moon of Vega.Copy !req
454. - Prepare for our arrival.
- When?Copy !req
455. - 1900 hours.
- By tomorrow they'll be our prisoners.Copy !req
456. Who?!Copy !req
457. - No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
- Take it. It's freezing.Copy !req
458. If you insist.Copy !req
459. - Won't you be cold?
- Nah, cold never bothers me.Copy !req
460. I can't seem to find Druidia.Copy !req
461. It's right there.Copy !req
462. - Where?
- There. It's that bright blue one. See?Copy !req
463. Oh, yeah, but it's so far a...Copy !req
464. ...away.Copy !req
465. Don't worry. I'll get you there.Copy !req
466. - Which one's yours?
- Who knows?Copy !req
467. - You don't know where you're from?
- No. I was found outside a monastery.Copy !req
468. - Monastery? Where?
- Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.Copy !req
469. Didn't the monks say
who your parents were?Copy !req
470. They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.Copy !req
471. All I got was this. It was around my neck.Copy !req
472. - What is it?
- I don't know.Copy !req
473. I've taken it to every wise man in the
universe. Nobody can tell me what it says.Copy !req
474. It's beautiful.Copy !req
475. You know, I...Copy !req
476. It's beautiful.Copy !req
477. So, how come you ran away
from your wedding?Copy !req
478. Well, if you must know,
I wasn't in love with the groom.Copy !req
479. - Why were you gonna marry him?
- Because!Copy !req
480. I'm a princess
and I have to marry a prince.Copy !req
481. Ah! And he doesn't do it for you, huh?Copy !req
482. No, he doesn't do it for me.Copy !req
483. I really must go back.Copy !req
484. I shouldn't have run away.Copy !req
485. I realise now that love
is one luxury a princess cannot afford.Copy !req
486. You're probably right.Copy !req
487. I know now that I must learn to live
without... love.Copy !req
488. I guess so.Copy !req
489. - Besides, love isn't that important.
- Nah, it never was.Copy !req
490. I could be perfectly happy
the rest of my life without...Copy !req
491. ...Iove.Copy !req
492. Sure you could.Copy !req
493. Without physical contact.Copy !req
494. Yeah.Copy !req
495. Without being held.Copy !req
496. Yeah.Copy !req
497. Or kissed.Copy !req
498. Abandon ship! Abandon ship!Copy !req
499. Women and mogs first!Copy !req
500. We'll have none of that, mister.Copy !req
501. - How far did he get? What'd he touch?
- Nothing happened.Copy !req
502. - What the hell was that noise?
- That was my virgin alarm.Copy !req
503. It's programmed to go off before you do.Copy !req
504. You get back to bed, miss.
And as for you, sex fiend...Copy !req
505. All right, let's all just get some sleep.
We gotta get moving before dawn.Copy !req
506. - Why so early?
- Because we're in the middle of a desert.Copy !req
507. And we aren't gonna get very far
once that blazing sun gets overhead.Copy !req
508. Nice dissolve.Copy !req
509. Water. Water.Copy !req
510. Water.Copy !req
511. Oil. Oil.Copy !req
512. Room service. Room service.Copy !req
513. Chief, I'm dead.Copy !req
514. I can't... I can't go any further.Copy !req
515. - I can't go any further.
- Come on, Barf, old buddy.Copy !req
516. - No!
- Just one more dune to go.Copy !req
517. No! You said that three dunes ago.Copy !req
518. I got no more left.Copy !req
519. Oh, waiter. Check, please.Copy !req
520. Must go on.Copy !req
521. Must go on!Copy !req
522. Must go on...Copy !req
523. Who am I kidding?Copy !req
524. Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.Copy !req
525. # Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink-dink.Copy !req
526. - Oh. Thanks, little guy.
- Dink, dink!Copy !req
527. - Oh, thank you.
- Da-dink-dink.Copy !req
528. Did I miss something?Copy !req
529. When did we get to Disneyland?Copy !req
530. - I don't see them, Sandurz.
- I've sent the troops on ahead, sir.Copy !req
531. - Good. Get moving.
- Driver, prepare to move out.Copy !req
532. What are you preparing? Just go!Copy !req
533. - Just go.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
534. Sir, shouldn't you sit down?Copy !req
535. Dink, dink.Copy !req
536. - What are they saying?
- They want us to go with them.Copy !req
537. - What is this place?
- It looks like the Temple of Doom.Copy !req
538. Well, it ain't Temple Beth Israel.Copy !req
539. Come on.
I think we better follow 'em.Copy !req
540. Oh-oh, I think we woke it up.Copy !req
541. - Goodbye. Let me know how it turns out.
- Come back, Dot!Copy !req
542. - Come on, we gotta keep goin'.
- We need you.Copy !req
543. - What's gonna happen now?
- Don't ask. Maybe it won't.Copy !req
544. - What if it does? I'm all for leaving!
- Barf, no!Copy !req
545. I think we should get outta here now
while the going's good!Copy !req
546. Silence!Copy !req
547. Who dares enter the sacred and awesome
presence of the everlasting know-it-all,Copy !req
548. Yogurt?Copy !req
549. Yogurt?Copy !req
550. - You heard of me?
- Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of you?Copy !req
551. Yogurt, the wise.Copy !req
552. - Yogurt, the all-powerful!
- Yogurt, the magnificent.Copy !req
553. Please, please, don't make a fuss.
I'm just plain Yogurt.Copy !req
554. - But you're the one...
- Yes!Copy !req
555. I am the keeper of a greater magic.Copy !req
556. A power known throughout the universeCopy !req
557. - as the...
- Force?Copy !req
558. No. The Schwartz.Copy !req
559. The Schwartz.Copy !req
560. Yes.Copy !req
561. The Schwartz.Copy !req
562. But, Yogurt, what is this place?
What is it that you do here?Copy !req
563. - Merchandising.
- Merchandising. What's that?Copy !req
564. Merchandising. Come, I'll show you.Copy !req
565. Open up the store.Copy !req
566. Come!
Walk this way! Take a look.Copy !req
567. We put the picture's name on everything!Copy !req
568. Merchandising! Merchandising!Copy !req
569. Where the real money
from the movie is made.Copy !req
570. Spaceballs - the T-shirt.
Spaceballs - the colouring book.Copy !req
571. Spaceballs - the lunchbox.
Spaceballs - the breakfast cereal.Copy !req
572. Spaceballs - the flame thrower!Copy !req
573. The kids love this one.Copy !req
574. Last, but not least. Spaceballs - the doll.Copy !req
575. Me.Copy !req
576. May the Schwartz be with you.Copy !req
577. Adorable.Copy !req
578. - President Skroob.
- What is it?Copy !req
579. I have an urgent message from
Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.Copy !req
580. - Where?
- Somewhere in the sands of Vega.Copy !req
581. Tell them to comb the desert,
do you hear me? Comb the desert!Copy !req
582. Yes, sir.Copy !req
583. - Sir?
- What?Copy !req
584. - Are we being too literal?
- No, you fool, we're following orders.Copy !req
585. We were told to comb the desert,
so we're combing it.Copy !req
586. Found anything yet?Copy !req
587. Nothing yet, sir.Copy !req
588. How about you?Copy !req
589. Not a thing, sir.Copy !req
590. What about you guys?Copy !req
591. We ain't found shit!Copy !req
592. It's a big mystery. None of the wise men
could tell me what it means.Copy !req
593. Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean.
What do they know?Copy !req
594. Here, let me take a look.Copy !req
595. Khut khut khudit.Copy !req
596. M- mookh mookh mooo-kh-khut.Copy !req
597. - You can read it!
- No, I was just clearing my throat.Copy !req
598. Here, let me take a...Copy !req
599. Ah. Ooh, yes.Copy !req
600. Yes, yes, of course!Copy !req
601. - You understand it?
- Yes.Copy !req
602. - What's it say?
- I cannot tell you that now.Copy !req
603. - It'll be revealed to you at the proper time.
- Great.Copy !req
604. Don't be disappointed.
Back to your Schwartz training.Copy !req
605. Here, take the ring.
Point it at that big statue.Copy !req
606. OK, but I still don't understand how I'm
gonna lift a big statue with this little ring.Copy !req
607. Never underestimate
the power of the Schwartz!Copy !req
608. Come on, concentrate. Here we go.Copy !req
609. Concentrate.Copy !req
610. Lone Starr, you're doing it!Copy !req
611. You're doing it!Copy !req
612. I can't believe it. The Schwartz is working!Copy !req
613. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
614. Hey, boss, how'd you do that?Copy !req
615. Ow! Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
616. Give me the ring. Give me the ring, quick!Copy !req
617. Upsee-dahzee, upsee-mahzee,
upsy-daisy!Copy !req
618. Whoa! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!Copy !req
619. - Eugh.
- Sorry, Barf.Copy !req
620. Keep searching.Copy !req
621. - It's no use. We've searched everywhere.
- Wait. I feel the presence of...Copy !req
622. the Schwartz!Copy !req
623. - The Schwartz?
- Yes.Copy !req
624. It's coming from somewhere... down...Copy !req
625. there!Copy !req
626. You're right, sir.
There's a secret entrance here.Copy !req
627. And look at this insignia. It's a "Y".Copy !req
628. Yogurt! Yogurt!Copy !req
629. I hate yogurt! Even with strawberries.Copy !req
630. - I'll call for the attack squad.
- No, we can't go in.Copy !req
631. Yogurt has the Schwartz.
It's too powerful.Copy !req
632. But, sir, don't you have the Schwartz, too?Copy !req
633. He got the upside, I got the downside.
Each Schwartz has two sides.Copy !req
634. Then how are we gonna go in there
and get her?Copy !req
635. We will not go in there.Copy !req
636. She will come out to us.Copy !req
637. Vespa. Vespa, my child.Copy !req
638. Where are you?Copy !req
639. Daddy?Copy !req
640. Vespa, it's your father, King Roland.Copy !req
641. - Come to me.
- Daddy?Copy !req
642. I hear you. I hear you. Where are you?Copy !req
643. Follow my voice.Copy !req
644. Come to me.Copy !req
645. Come to me.Copy !req
646. Vespa, where are you going?Copy !req
647. Vespa, come to me.Copy !req
648. Daddy! Is it really you?Copy !req
649. Yes, my dear. I guarantee it.Copy !req
650. Would I lie?Copy !req
651. Daddy!Copy !req
652. No, Vespa, don't!Copy !req
653. Argh! No. Oh...Copy !req
654. Fooled you.Copy !req
655. Take them both aboard
and put the princess in my quarters.Copy !req
656. Now she is mine.Copy !req
657. What?Copy !req
658. They've taken the princess!Copy !req
659. Spaceballs. Too late.Copy !req
660. Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.Copy !req
661. Yeah.Copy !req
662. - Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
663. And here. Just in case you get hungry.Copy !req
664. - A fortune cookie?
- Yes.Copy !req
665. Remember: Open it before you eat it.Copy !req
666. Thanks. Well, we better get going.Copy !req
667. I wonder...
Will we ever see each other again?Copy !req
668. Who knows? God willing
we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II:Copy !req
669. The Search For More Money.Copy !req
670. - Goodbye, Lone Starr.
- Goodbye, Yogurt.Copy !req
671. The ring of the Schwartz!Copy !req
672. - No, no, I can't take this.
- Take it, take it.Copy !req
673. - You might need it.
- Thanks.Copy !req
674. I'll never forget you.Copy !req
675. - Wish me luck.
- Dink, dink.Copy !req
676. So, Princess Vespa,
at last I have you in my clutchesCopy !req
677. to have my way with you
the way I want to.Copy !req
678. No! No! Leave me alone.
No, you are mine.Copy !req
679. Not so fast.
Lone Starr!Copy !req
680. Yes, it's me.
I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.Copy !req
681. Now you are going to die. Psst!Copy !req
682. Oh, oh! Oh!Copy !req
683. What'd you do to him?
The same thing I'll do to you. Oh!Copy !req
684. And you, too.
Oh! Argh!Copy !req
685. Now, Princess Vespa,
at last we are alone.Copy !req
686. Oh, no, I hate you.
Leave me alone.Copy !req
687. Yet I find you strangely attractive.
Of course you do.Copy !req
688. Druish princesses are often
attracted to money and power.Copy !req
689. And I have both. And you know it.Copy !req
690. Oh, leave me alone.
No, kiss me! No! No! Yes! No!Copy !req
691. No!
Yes! No! Yes! Ah, oh, ah, oh...Copy !req
692. Oh, your helmet is so big.Copy !req
693. - Lord Helmet.
- What?Copy !req
694. - You're needed on the bridge, sir.
- Knock on my door! Knock next time!Copy !req
695. - Yes, sir.
- Did you see anything?Copy !req
696. No, I didn't see you
playing with your dolls.Copy !req
697. Good.Copy !req
698. - President Skroob.
- Agh!Copy !req
699. I told you never to call me on this wall!
This is an unlisted wall.Copy !req
700. Sorry, sir, but it's very important.
The princess is in your officeCopy !req
701. and Lord Helmet is awaiting you there.Copy !req
702. - All right, all right. I'll be right there.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
703. Ooh.Copy !req
704. Argh, argh!Copy !req
705. Helmet, you fiend! What's going on?
What are you doing to my daughter?Copy !req
706. Permit me to introduce
the brilliant young plastic surgeon,Copy !req
707. Dr Phillip Schlotkin.Copy !req
708. The greatest nose-job man
in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.Copy !req
709. - Your Highness.
- Nose job? She's already had a nose job.Copy !req
710. It was her Sweet-16 present.Copy !req
711. No, it's not what you think.
It's much, much worse.Copy !req
712. If you do not give me
the combination to the air shield,Copy !req
713. Dr Schlotkin will give your daughter backCopy !req
714. her old nose!Copy !req
715. No!Copy !req
716. - Where did you get that?
- All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.Copy !req
717. - No, Daddy, no! You mustn't.
- You're right, my dear.Copy !req
718. I'll miss your new nose, but I will not
tell him the combination, no matter what.Copy !req
719. Very well.
Dr Schlotkin, do your worst.Copy !req
720. My pleasure.Copy !req
721. No! Wait! Wait!Copy !req
722. I'll tell. I'll tell.Copy !req
723. I knew it would work.Copy !req
724. All right. Give it to me.Copy !req
725. The combination is...Copy !req
726. One.Copy !req
727. - One.
- One.Copy !req
728. Two.Copy !req
729. - Two.
- Two.Copy !req
730. Three.Copy !req
731. - Three.
- Three.Copy !req
732. Four.Copy !req
733. - Four.
- Four.Copy !req
734. Five.Copy !req
735. - Five.
- Five.Copy !req
736. So the combination is
one, two, three, four, five.Copy !req
737. That's the stupidest combination
I ever heard!Copy !req
738. It's what an idiot has on his luggage.Copy !req
739. Thank you, Your Highness.Copy !req
740. - What did you do?
- I turned off the wall.Copy !req
741. - No, you turned off the movie.
- Wrong button.Copy !req
742. - Well, put it back up!
- Yes, sir!Copy !req
743. You gotta get that thing fixed! We're back,
and we have the combination.Copy !req
744. - Schlotkin!
- What?Copy !req
745. We're done. Go back to the golf course
and work on your putts.Copy !req
746. Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen.
Of course I'll still have to bill you for this.Copy !req
747. Oh! I bet she gives great helmet.Copy !req
748. - Did it work?
- Yes, sir. We have the combination.Copy !req
749. Great! Now we can take every last breath
of fresh air from Planet Druidia.Copy !req
750. - What's the combination?
- One, two, three, four, five.Copy !req
751. - One, two, three, four, five?
- Yes.Copy !req
752. That's amazing. I've got
the same combination on my luggage.Copy !req
753. - Prepare Spaceball One for departure.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
754. And change the combination
on my luggage.Copy !req
755. Argh!Copy !req
756. There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.Copy !req
757. Good. I'm taking her in.Copy !req
758. What the hell is that thing?Copy !req
759. Looks like a Winnebago with wings. Jeez.Copy !req
760. Hey, you can't park here!Copy !req
761. Yeah. Can't you guys read? "No Parking".Copy !req
762. That son of a...Copy !req
763. All right, hands up.
You're under arrest for illegal parking.Copy !req
764. Yeah!Copy !req
765. Warden Miller.
Warden Miller. You're wanted in V17.Copy !req
766. Attention, attention.
Section C scanners, report.Copy !req
767. Nah.Copy !req
768. - She's gotta be in one of these cells.
- Yeah, but which one?Copy !req
769. - No.
- No.Copy !req
770. # Nobody knows...Copy !req
771. - It's coming from here.
- That can't be her.Copy !req
772. # The trouble I've seenCopy !req
773. # Nobody knows but JesusCopy !req
774. It's her!Copy !req
775. # Nobody knowsCopy !req
776. # The trouble I've seenCopy !req
777. - She's a bass!
- # Glory hallelujahCopy !req
778. Ai!Copy !req
779. - What do you want?
- It's me!Copy !req
780. - It's us!
- Lone Starr!Copy !req
781. - How did you find us?
- No time to talk. Come on.Copy !req
782. - We gotta move.
- Barf, how'd you do it?Copy !req
783. Come on.Copy !req
784. Hey, those are the guys
that stole our uniforms!Copy !req
785. And beat the shit out of us, too!Copy !req
786. Uh-oh, we got company!Copy !req
787. Watch out!Copy !req
788. Dammit! That's our only way out.Copy !req
789. - We're trapped!
- I hate these movies.Copy !req
790. - Oh. I'm out of ammo!
- Get back! I'll hold 'em off!Copy !req
791. I got an idea!Copy !req
792. - What are you doing?
- What's he doing?Copy !req
793. Good work.
Uh-oh, more ping pongs! Run for it.Copy !req
794. Let's go!Copy !req
795. It's closing!Copy !req
796. - The door's closing!
- Go for broke!Copy !req
797. Don't move, or you're dead. Stand up!Copy !req
798. Captain, we've got them.Copy !req
799. Spectacular stunt, my friends.Copy !req
800. But all for naught.Copy !req
801. Turn around, please.Copy !req
802. Ah, what a pity.Copy !req
803. What a pity.Copy !req
804. So, Princess, you thought you could
outwit the imperious force of...Copy !req
805. You idiots! These are not them!Copy !req
806. You've captured their stunt doubles!Copy !req
807. Search the area. Find them!Copy !req
808. Find them!Copy !req
809. - Open the door!
- I can't. It's fused.Copy !req
810. - And this one?
- It's locked.Copy !req
811. - The keys?
- Inside.Copy !req
812. - Oh, great!
- Duck!Copy !req
813. - Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door.
- I'm not shooting this thing. I hate guns.Copy !req
814. Agh!Copy !req
815. My hair! He shot my hair.Copy !req
816. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
817. Holy shit!Copy !req
818. - How was that?
- Not bad.Copy !req
819. - Not bad... for a girl.
- Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.Copy !req
820. Let's blow this joint.Copy !req
821. President Skroob!Copy !req
822. - Salute!
- Hail, Skroob!Copy !req
823. The ship is too big.
If I walk, the movie'll be over.Copy !req
824. - Sir.
- Yes? Ooh!Copy !req
825. Never have that damn thing down
in front of me!Copy !req
826. How do I know you're not
making faces at me under that?Copy !req
827. President Skroob.
There it is. Planet Druidia.Copy !req
828. Ah, Planet Druidia.Copy !req
829. And 10,000 years of fresh air.Copy !req
830. - Way he runs things, it won't last 100.
- What?Copy !req
831. - Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir.
- Good. Get on with it.Copy !req
832. Ready, Kafka?Copy !req
833. Look, it's Spaceball One.Copy !req
834. - They've reached the air shield.
- And it's opening.Copy !req
835. The ship's too big.Copy !req
836. How they gonna get the air out?
I don't see any hoses.Copy !req
837. What's happening?Copy !req
838. The ship... is changing.Copy !req
839. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
840. It's not just a spaceship.Copy !req
841. It's a Transformer!Copy !req
842. - It's changing into...
- A gigantic...Copy !req
843. - Maid?
- With a vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
844. So that's how
they're gonna get the air out.Copy !req
845. Metamorphosis completed, sir.Copy !req
846. Spaceball One has now become...Copy !req
847. Megamaid.Copy !req
848. - Good.
- Remarkable.Copy !req
849. Now, commence Operation...Copy !req
850. Vacu-Suck!Copy !req
851. Suck. Suck. Suck!Copy !req
852. Goodbye, little Vespa.Copy !req
853. My... little...Copy !req
854. baby... Vespa.Copy !req
855. - The air bag, it's almost full!
- What'll we do?Copy !req
856. We've gotta act fast.
Step one: We reverse the vacuumCopy !req
857. and blow the air back on to the planet.Copy !req
858. Step two: We destroy that thing.Copy !req
859. - But isn't that dangerous?
- Extremely. Plus...Copy !req
860. I don't know
how the hell we're gonna do it.Copy !req
861. - What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
862. - But...
- Come on, boss. Give it a shot.Copy !req
863. OK. Here goes nothing.Copy !req
864. - Look at that.
- Wow!Copy !req
865. It's... It's working!Copy !req
866. Come on, Schwartz.Copy !req
867. Come on, Schwartz.
Come on, Schwartz!Copy !req
868. - Helmet, what's going on?
- Sandurz, what's going on?Copy !req
869. It's Megamaid.Copy !req
870. She's gone from suck to blow.Copy !req
871. What? They're getting their air back.Copy !req
872. - Do something.
- Do something.Copy !req
873. Do something!Copy !req
874. I'm breathing.Copy !req
875. Air.Copy !req
876. Air!Copy !req
877. - Dim the lights.
- Dimming the lights.Copy !req
878. - Go to infrared.
- Going to infrared.Copy !req
879. - Pray to God.
- Praying to God.Copy !req
880. Careful. Careful.Copy !req
881. What are you doing?Copy !req
882. Scanning.Copy !req
883. There's gotta be a self-destruct
mechanism in the central brain area.Copy !req
884. - I think we just found it.
- Where?Copy !req
885. Watch.Copy !req
886. Bingo! There it is.Copy !req
887. It's right below us.Copy !req
888. - Put her in hover, Barf.
- Putting her in hover.Copy !req
889. - I'm going down there.
- He's going down there.Copy !req
890. I wouldn't.Copy !req
891. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
892. The... Vulcan neck pinch?Copy !req
893. No, no, no, stupid.
You got it much too high.Copy !req
894. It's down here
where the shoulder meets the neck.Copy !req
895. - Like this?
- Yeah!Copy !req
896. Thanks.Copy !req
897. Handprint identification, please.Copy !req
898. Handprint identification, please.Copy !req
899. Handprint identification, please.Copy !req
900. Handprint...Copy !req
901. Thanks again.Copy !req
902. Is that you, Mylar?Copy !req
903. Who are you? What are you doing?Copy !req
904. This.Copy !req
905. Argh!Copy !req
906. Sweet dreams.Copy !req
907. Not so fast, Lone Starr.Copy !req
908. Helmet!Copy !req
909. So, at last we meet for the first time,
for the last time.Copy !req
910. Before you die, there is something
you should know about us, Lone Starr.Copy !req
911. What?Copy !req
912. I am your father's brother's nephew's
cousin's former roommate.Copy !req
913. - What's that make us?
- Absolutely nothing!Copy !req
914. Which is what you are about to become.Copy !req
915. Prepare to die.Copy !req
916. You have the ring.Copy !req
917. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.Copy !req
918. Now let's see how well you handle it.Copy !req
919. Argh!Copy !req
920. Um... He did it.Copy !req
921. What?Copy !req
922. Shit! I hate it
when I get my Schwartz twisted.Copy !req
923. OK, maybe if I put my leg up on yours,Copy !req
924. we could split apart like...Copy !req
925. Good, yeah. One, two, three, go!Copy !req
926. Ooh!Copy !req
927. Aaargh!Copy !req
928. Ow!Copy !req
929. Oh!Copy !req
930. So, Lone Starr,
Yogurt has taught you well.Copy !req
931. If there's one thing I despise,
it is a fair fight.Copy !req
932. But if I must, then I must.
May the best man win.Copy !req
933. Put 'er there.Copy !req
934. The ring! I can't believe
you fell for the oldest trick in the book!Copy !req
935. What a goof!
What's with you, man? Come on!Copy !req
936. You know what?
Let me give it back to you. Oh!Copy !req
937. Oh, look at that. You fell for that, too.
I can't believe it, man.Copy !req
938. So, Lone Starr, now you see
that evil will always triumphCopy !req
939. because good is dumb.Copy !req
940. Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad
this isn't the Wide Worid Of Sports.Copy !req
941. Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr.Copy !req
942. I can't. I lost the ring.Copy !req
943. Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis.Copy !req
944. I found it in a Cracker Jack box.Copy !req
945. The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr.
It's in you!Copy !req
946. All right. I'll try.Copy !req
947. Say goodbye to your two best friends.Copy !req
948. And I don't mean
your pals in the Winnebago.Copy !req
949. Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.Copy !req
950. This ship will self-destruct
in three minutes.Copy !req
951. What's going on?
Where the hell are we? Paris?Copy !req
952. Thank you for pressing the button.Copy !req
953. This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds.Copy !req
954. Stop it. Is there any way to stop it?Copy !req
955. I can't. It's irreversible.Copy !req
956. Like my raincoat.Copy !req
957. Attention, this is Colonel Sandurz
in forward command. Abandon ship!Copy !req
958. Abandon ship!
All personnel proceed to escape pods.Copy !req
959. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.Copy !req
960. The self-destruct mechanism
has been activated. Abandon ship.Copy !req
961. Sandurz! Sandurz, you gotta help me.Copy !req
962. I don't know what to do.
I can't make decisions. I'm a president!Copy !req
963. This is your two-minute warning. This
ship will self-destruct in two minutes.Copy !req
964. Launch all escape pods
once they are filled.Copy !req
965. What's happening? Where is he?Copy !req
966. # SpaceballsCopy !req
967. # Watch out!Copy !req
968. - Where is he?
- Here.Copy !req
969. We got a minute and 40
before the end of the worid. Hang on!Copy !req
970. # Spaceballs...Copy !req
971. Full throttle.Copy !req
972. - Go to hyper jets.
- Going to hyper jets.Copy !req
973. # If you're livin' in a bubbleCopy !req
974. And you haven't got a careCopy !req
975. - Hey, where do you think you're going?
- Pizza to go!Copy !req
976. # Then you're gonna be in trouble
Cos we're gonna steal your airCopy !req
977. # Cos what you've got is what we need
And all we do is dirty deedsCopy !req
978. # We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
979. # Watch outCopy !req
980. # We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
981. Hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?Copy !req
982. I'm the bearded lady.
What are you, one of the freaks?Copy !req
983. Hey, come back! That's my pod! No!Copy !req
984. Come back, you fat, bearded bitch!Copy !req
985. One pod left.Copy !req
986. And three of us.
And I'm the President.Copy !req
987. Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship.
I think you should go down with it.Copy !req
988. Goodbye.Copy !req
989. What's the matter with this belt?Copy !req
990. # SpaceballsCopy !req
991. This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds.Copy !req
992. It's your last chance
to push the cancellation button.Copy !req
993. Cancellation button? Hurry!Copy !req
994. # SpaceballsCopy !req
995. # Watch out!Copy !req
996. - Where is it? Where is it?
- It's gotta be here.Copy !req
997. - Out of order.
- Fuck! Even in the future nothing works.Copy !req
998. This ship will self-destruct
in exactly ten seconds.Copy !req
999. Counting down.Copy !req
1000. Ten, nine,Copy !req
1001. eight, six...Copy !req
1002. Six? What happened to seven?Copy !req
1003. Just kidding.Copy !req
1004. There's the other end. Faster!Copy !req
1005. Six, five, four,Copy !req
1006. three, two, one.Copy !req
1007. - Have a nice day.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1008. We did it!Copy !req
1009. We all did it.Copy !req
1010. So I guess you might call that
a case of... man bites droid?Copy !req
1011. On a sadder note, Pizza The Hutt,Copy !req
1012. famed half-man, half-pizza,Copy !req
1013. was found dead earlier today
in the back seat of his stretch limo.Copy !req
1014. Evidently, the notorious gangster became
locked in his car and ate himself to death.Copy !req
1015. Coming up:
Pongo's review of "Rocky Five...Copy !req
1016. Thousand". Pongo?Copy !req
1017. Did you hear that?
Pizza kicked the bucket.Copy !req
1018. Now we don't have to pay him the million.
We can keep it for ourselves.Copy !req
1019. Yeah.Copy !req
1020. - Daddy! Oh, Daddy!
- Oh, Vespa, my darling.Copy !req
1021. I thought I'd never see you again.
Oh, my sweet little daughter.Copy !req
1022. I'm so happy that you're home and safe.Copy !req
1023. And, little Vespa, here's someone else
who's happy to see you.Copy !req
1024. Oh, hello.Copy !req
1025. Where have you been?Copy !req
1026. Thanks, hon.Copy !req
1027. Hiya, big stuff.Copy !req
1028. Hi, dream.Copy !req
1029. - What'll you have?
- We're just gassing up, so what's ready?Copy !req
1030. I got the space soup or the space special.Copy !req
1031. - Um, I'll have the soup.
- OK.Copy !req
1032. I'll have the cleavage. Uh, the special.Copy !req
1033. OK, one special and one soup.Copy !req
1034. - Ready to order?
- Hi. Yes, we'll both have the lunafish.Copy !req
1035. Anything to drink?
Hey, watch where you stick that thing!Copy !req
1036. Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own,
sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.Copy !req
1037. - Jeez!
- What?Copy !req
1038. No, we were lost.
None of us knew where we were.Copy !req
1039. And then Harry began feeling around
on all the trees.Copy !req
1040. Then he said "I got it. We on Pluto."Copy !req
1041. And we said "Harry, how can you tell?"
He said "From the bark, you dummy!"Copy !req
1042. From the bark!Copy !req
1043. Is he all right?Copy !req
1044. - Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
- I don't know!Copy !req
1045. - Bring him some water!
- Water, my ass!Copy !req
1046. Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!Copy !req
1047. Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?Copy !req
1048. - Oh, he had the special.
- The spe... That's my order!Copy !req
1049. - Change my order to the soup.
- Good move.Copy !req
1050. Oh, no.Copy !req
1051. Not again.Copy !req
1052. # Hello, my baby
Hello, my honeyCopy !req
1053. # Hello, my ragtime galCopy !req
1054. # Send me a kiss by wireCopy !req
1055. # Baby, my heart's on fireCopy !req
1056. # If you refuse me
Honey, you'll lose meCopy !req
1057. # Then you'll be left alone
Oh, baby, telephoneCopy !req
1058. # And tell me I'm your ownCopy !req
1059. Check, please.Copy !req
1060. Five minutes to magic time.Copy !req
1061. Are you all right, my dear?
You look a little... flighty.Copy !req
1062. Don't worry about me, Father.
I'm completely over him.Copy !req
1063. Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding.
Just grabbed his million bucks and ran.Copy !req
1064. He didn't take the million.Copy !req
1065. - He didn't?
- No.Copy !req
1066. He just took 248 space bucks
for lunch, gas and tolls.Copy !req
1067. I can't believe you refused the money. But
we could've stayed for food. I'm starving.Copy !req
1068. - Have you got anything to eat?
- Nah.Copy !req
1069. Oh, wait a minute.
Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie.Copy !req
1070. - Here, chow down.
- Wow, thanks.Copy !req
1071. - I'll split it.
- No.Copy !req
1072. OK.Copy !req
1073. - Yogurt!
- Hello, boys.Copy !req
1074. Well, you opened your fortune cookie,
so here's your fortune.Copy !req
1075. Lone Starr, you know
that medallion that you wear,Copy !req
1076. but you don't know what it means?
Here's what it means.Copy !req
1077. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes!Copy !req
1078. Your father was a king,
your mother was a queen,Copy !req
1079. which makes you a certified prince.Copy !req
1080. Hey, I'm a prince.Copy !req
1081. I'm a prince! Which means...Copy !req
1082. Which means if you hurry
there could be a princess in your future.Copy !req
1083. If you wanna stop her
marrying Sleeping Beauty,Copy !req
1084. there's a special can of fuel
in your glove compartment.Copy !req
1085. - Good luck, boys.
- Bye, Yogurt.Copy !req
1086. And, Yogurt...Copy !req
1087. - Thanks.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
1088. And may the Schwartz be with youuuuu!Copy !req
1089. Oh, what a worid.Copy !req
1090. - Barf, open that glove compartment.
- You got it... Your Highness.Copy !req
1091. Wow! Liquid Schwartz!Copy !req
1092. - Quick, pour it in the tank.
- Right.Copy !req
1093. Look at that!Copy !req
1094. - Done.
- Hang on, Barfo,Copy !req
1095. we're gonna make space tracks.Copy !req
1096. Dear me, what are those things
coming out of her nose?Copy !req
1097. Hey, hey, watch my helmet.Copy !req
1098. Spaceballs!Copy !req
1099. Oh, shit. There goes the planet.Copy !req
1100. Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here together...Copy !req
1101. again.Copy !req
1102. - You didn't say he refused the money.
- It wasn't important.Copy !req
1103. - May I continue, please?
- Besides, he asked me not to tell you.Copy !req
1104. Thank you.Copy !req
1105. To join Princess Vespa
and Princess Valium...Copy !req
1106. I'm sorry, it's the hair.Copy !req
1107. Prince ValiumCopy !req
1108. in the bonds of holy matrimony.Copy !req
1109. I see it all now.
Don't you see he loves me?Copy !req
1110. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here,
which has nothing to do with love. Quiet.Copy !req
1111. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
1112. - I'm sorry, too.
- Don't be sorry, be quiet.Copy !req
1113. I'm sorry!Copy !req
1114. To join Princess Vespa and Prince ValiumCopy !req
1115. in the bonds of holy...Copy !req
1116. ...moly!Copy !req
1117. Uh... matrimony.Copy !req
1118. That's him.
I know it's him. He's come back!Copy !req
1119. That's it. No more chances.
We're doing the short version.Copy !req
1120. Prince Valium, do you take
Princess Vespa to be your wife?Copy !req
1121. Uh-huh.Copy !req
1122. - Do you take Valium to be your husband?
- Uh... well, I...Copy !req
1123. I suppose. Well, oh, I don't know.Copy !req
1124. - No! She doesn't.
- What?Copy !req
1125. - Who the hell are you?
- Prince Lone Starr.Copy !req
1126. - Prince?!
- I just found out.Copy !req
1127. That's what this says.
I'm an honest-to-God prince.Copy !req
1128. Will you marry me?Copy !req
1129. Well, let me think about it.Copy !req
1130. Yes!Copy !req
1131. I'm sick of this. I don't care who it is,
but I'm gonna marry somebody today.Copy !req
1132. - Who are you?
- I'm the best man, Barf.Copy !req
1133. - Full name?
- Barfolomew.Copy !req
1134. - Are you getting married?
- No.Copy !req
1135. Then get over there!Copy !req
1136. OK, here we go. The short, short version.Copy !req
1137. - Do you?
- Yes.Copy !req
1138. - Do you?
- Yes.Copy !req
1139. Good. You're married. Kiss her!Copy !req
1140. - I love you.
- I love you.Copy !req
1141. Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm.Copy !req
1142. If you're livin' in a bubble
And you haven't got a careCopy !req
1143. Then you're gonna be in trouble
Cos we're gonna steal your airCopy !req
1144. Cos what you've got is what we need
And all we do is dirty deedsCopy !req
1145. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1146. Watch out!Copy !req
1147. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1148. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1149. - Hey, don't mess around
- With the SpaceballsCopy !req
1150. Going cruisin' in a spaceship
We're so good at being badCopy !req
1151. We'll destroy your little planet
If you ever get us madCopy !req
1152. We're mothers of the galaxy
You better scatter when you seeCopy !req
1153. The SpaceballsCopy !req
1154. Watch out!Copy !req
1155. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1156. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1157. - Say what? Don't mess around
- With the SpaceballsCopy !req
1158. Watch out!Copy !req
1159. We're mothers of the galaxyCopy !req
1160. We're gonna take the air you breatheCopy !req
1161. Oh! SpaceballsCopy !req
1162. Watch out!Copy !req
1163. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1164. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1165. Don't mess around with the SpaceballsCopy !req
1166. Watch out!Copy !req
1167. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1168. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1169. Don't mess around with the SpaceballsCopy !req
1170. Watch out!Copy !req
1171. We've got a bossin' metal shipCopy !req
1172. So you better watch your lipCopy !req
1173. Cos we're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1174. Watch out!Copy !req
1175. You may think that you are badCopy !req
1176. But believe you can be hadCopy !req
1177. By the SpaceballsCopy !req
1178. Watch out!Copy !req
1179. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1180. Watch out!Copy !req
1181. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1182. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1183. Don't mess around with the SpaceballsCopy !req
1184. We're so bad and meanCopy !req
1185. We make nightmares out of dreamsCopy !req
1186. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1187. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1188. So you'd better watch out!Copy !req