1. Colonel Sandurz?Copy !req
2. What is it,
Sergeant Ricco?Copy !req
3. You told me to let you know
the moment Planet Druidia
was in sight, sir.Copy !req
4. So?Copy !req
5. Planet Druidia
is in sight, sir.Copy !req
6. You're really
a Spaceball.Copy !req
7. You know that,
don't you?Copy !req
8. Thanks, sir.Copy !req
9. Have you notified
Lord Helmet?Copy !req
10. Yes, sir.
I took the liberty.
He's on his way.Copy !req
11. Make way
for Dark Helmet!Copy !req
12. All rise in the presence
of Dark Helmet.Copy !req
13. I can't breathe
in this thing.Copy !req
14. We're approaching
Planet Druidia, sir.Copy !req
15. Good.Copy !req
16. I'll call Spaceball City
and notify
President Skroob immediately.Copy !req
17. I already called him, sir.
He knows everything.Copy !req
18. What? You went
over my helmet?Copy !req
19. Well, not exactly
over, sir.
More to the side.Copy !req
20. I'll always call you first.
It'll never happen again.
Never ever!Copy !req
21. Oh, shit!Copy !req
22. No! Please!Copy !req
23. Please, no, not that!Copy !req
24. Yes, that.Copy !req
25. Sandurz!
Sir.Copy !req
26. I don't see
Planet Druidia.
Where is it?Copy !req
27. We don't have visual
contact yet, but we have
it on the radar screen.Copy !req
28. Shall I punch it
up for you?Copy !req
29. Never mind.
I'll do it myself.Copy !req
30. Very good, sir.Copy !req
31. What's the matter?
What's that
churning and bubbling?Copy !req
32. You call that
a radar screen?Copy !req
33. No, sir, we call it
Mr. Coffee.Copy !req
34. Care for some?Copy !req
35. Yes. I always have coffee
when I watch radar.
You know that.Copy !req
36. Of course I do.
Everybody knows that!Copy !req
37. Of course we do, sir.Copy !req
38. Now that I have my coffee,
I'm ready to watch radar.Copy !req
39. Where is it?Copy !req
40. Right here, sir.Copy !req
41. Switch to teleview.Copy !req
42. There it is.
Planet Druidia.Copy !req
43. And underneath
the air shield,
10,000 years of fresh air.Copy !req
44. We must get through
that air shield.Copy !req
45. We will, sir.Copy !req
46. Once we kidnap the Princess,
we can force
her father, King Roland,Copy !req
47. to give us the combination
to the air shield,Copy !req
48. thereby destroying
Planet Druidia and
saving Planet Spaceball.Copy !req
49. Everybody got that?Copy !req
50. Good. When will
the Princess
be married?Copy !req
51. Within the hour, sir.Copy !req
52. Well, I hope
it's a long ceremony,Copy !req
53. 'cause it's gonna be
a short honeymoon.Copy !req
54. Hot! Too hot.Copy !req
55. If only your mother
were alive
to see this day.Copy !req
56. Is everyone ready?
Yes, Your Majesty.Copy !req
57. No! Where's my
droid of honor?Copy !req
58. Oh, dear, yes.
Where's Dot? Dot?Copy !req
59. Dot Matrix!Copy !req
60. Oh, thank God,
dear!Copy !req
61. Where've you been?Copy !req
62. Here I am.
I'm sorry. I had to
make a pit stop.Copy !req
63. I'm so excited,
I couldn't
hold my oil.Copy !req
64. All right, people.
It's magic time!Copy !req
65. All right, everyone,
starting
on the left foot.Copy !req
66. Daddy, that's
the right foot.Copy !req
67. It's too late.
Keep going.Copy !req
68. Daddy.Copy !req
69. Must I go through
with this?Copy !req
70. I'm sorry, my dear.
You have to.Copy !req
71. But, Daddy,Copy !req
72. I don't love him.Copy !req
73. I'm sorry, Vespa.
He's the last prince
left in the galaxy.Copy !req
74. Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
on this most joyous occasionCopy !req
75. to witness Princess Vespa,
daughter of King Roland,Copy !req
76. going right past the altar,
heading down the rampCopy !req
77. and out the door!Copy !req
78. Stop her!
Someone stop her!
Stop her!Copy !req
79. Hey, wait!
You forgot
to get married!Copy !req
80. Will you stop?Copy !req
81. What are you doing?Copy !req
82. No questions, Dot.
Get in.Copy !req
83. What is she doing?
Where is she going?Copy !req
84. Come back!Copy !req
85. Ooh, yeahCopy !req
86. YouCopy !req
87. You got
a nasty reputationCopy !req
88. We're in
a sticky situationCopy !req
89. It's down to
me and youCopy !req
90. So tell me,
is it true?Copy !req
91. They say there ain't
nobody betterCopy !req
92. Well, now
that we're togetherCopy !req
93. Show me
what you can doCopy !req
94. Barf.Copy !req
95. Barf.Copy !req
96. Barf.Copy !req
97. And playin'
to winCopy !req
98. Huh?Copy !req
99. Raise your hands...Copy !req
100. Barf?Copy !req
101. Always when I'm eating.Copy !req
102. Barf!Copy !req
103. What can I
do you for, boss?Copy !req
104. Where you been?Copy !req
105. Grabbing myself a snack.Copy !req
106. You want some?
No!Copy !req
107. A little hair
of the dog?Copy !req
108. No! Listen,
answer that thing
for me.Copy !req
109. Will you
watch that?Copy !req
110. Sorry.Copy !req
111. I'll just throw on
our audio here. That way
they won't see you.Copy !req
112. Yello!Copy !req
113. Hello, Lone Starr.Copy !req
114. Sorry, wrong switch.Copy !req
115. Hello, Vinnie.
What do you want?Copy !req
116. No, it's not what I want.Copy !req
117. It's what he wants.Copy !req
118. Pizza the Hutt.Copy !req
119. Well, if it isn't
Lone StarrCopy !req
120. and his sidekick, Puke.Copy !req
121. That's Barf.Copy !req
122. Barf, Puke, whatever.Copy !req
123. Where's my money?Copy !req
124. Don't worry, Pizza.
You'll have it
by next week.Copy !req
125. No. I gotta have it
by tomorrow.Copy !req
126. 100,000 space bucks?
By tomorrow?Copy !req
127. 100,000? No way!Copy !req
128. You forgot late chargesCopy !req
129. which brings it up to
1 million space bucks!Copy !req
130. A million?
That's unfair!Copy !req
131. Unfair to the payer,Copy !req
132. but not to the payee.Copy !req
133. But you're gonna
pay it or else...Copy !req
134. Or else what?Copy !req
135. Tell him, Vinnie.Copy !req
136. Or else Pizza
is gonna send out for you.Copy !req
137. You're delicious.Copy !req
138. Ciao, boys.Copy !req
139. I slept in your armsCopy !req
140. Content to go on dreamingCopy !req
141. A nightmare
too real to imagineCopy !req
142. Losing youCopy !req
143. Can we talk?Copy !req
144. Okay. We all know
Prince Valium
is a pill,Copy !req
145. but you could've
married him for
your father's sakeCopy !req
146. and then had a headache
for the next 25 years.Copy !req
147. I love you more each dayCopy !req
148. Will you turn
that thing off?Copy !req
149. Play on my heartstrings...Copy !req
150. What?Copy !req
151. What is it?Copy !req
152. I was saying,
do you realize
what you've done?Copy !req
153. Yes! And I'm glad.Copy !req
154. Glad.Copy !req
155. I wonder
if she's glad.Copy !req
156. Don't be ridiculous.Copy !req
157. As president
of Planet Spaceball,Copy !req
158. I can assure
both you and your viewersCopy !req
159. that there's
absolutely no air shortage
whatsoever.Copy !req
160. Yes, of course.
I've heard
the same rumor myself.Copy !req
161. Yes, thanks for calling
and not reversing the charges.Copy !req
162. Yes, bye.Copy !req
163. Shithead.Copy !req
164. President Skroob.Copy !req
165. Yes?Copy !req
166. This is Central Control.Copy !req
167. Spaceball
Commanderette Zircon
speaking, sir.Copy !req
168. Yes, what is it,
Commanderette?Copy !req
169. Lord Helmet has just
notified us that
Princess Vespa is in sightCopy !req
170. and Spaceball One
is closing in on her.Copy !req
171. Good.Copy !req
172. We have both ships coming up
on the teledar, sir,
if you wish to observe.Copy !req
173. I'll be down immediately.Copy !req
174. Should I have Snotty
beam you down, sir?Copy !req
175. I don't know about
that beaming stuff.
Is it safe?Copy !req
176. Oh, yes, sir.
Snotty beamed me
twice last night.Copy !req
177. It was wonderful.Copy !req
178. All right.
I'll take a shot at it.Copy !req
179. What the hell,
it works on Star Trek.Copy !req
180. Snotty,Copy !req
181. beam him down.Copy !req
182. Yes, sir.
Immediately, sir.Copy !req
183. Great beasties!
What's happened
to his head?Copy !req
184. It's on backwards!Copy !req
185. This is terrible!
Do something!Copy !req
186. I'm sorry, sir.
There must have been
a micro-converter malfunction.Copy !req
187. Why didn't somebody tell me
my ass was so big?Copy !req
188. Hold on, sir.
We'll try to
reverse the beam.Copy !req
189. It could be
the interlocking system.Copy !req
190. Lock one. Lock two.
Lock three. Loch Lomond!Copy !req
191. Are you all right,
Mr. President?Copy !req
192. Fine.
No thanks to you!Copy !req
193. We'll beam you back, sir.Copy !req
194. Forget it.
No more beaming.Copy !req
195. This time I'm gonna walk.Copy !req
196. President Skroob!
Salute!Copy !req
197. Hail, Skroob!Copy !req
198. Hello, President Skroob.Copy !req
199. Hello, Charlene.Copy !req
200. I'm Marlene.Copy !req
201. Hello, Marlene.Copy !req
202. I'm Charlene.Copy !req
203. Chew your gum.Copy !req
204. Where's the Princess?Copy !req
205. Right there, sir,
on the left side
of the screenCopy !req
206. approaching Spaceball One
at 1,500 light leagues
per minute.Copy !req
207. Good. She's almost
in our grasp.Copy !req
208. Tell Dark Helmet
he must take
the Princess alive.Copy !req
209. Princess Vespa's
spaceship
within range, sir.Copy !req
210. Good.Copy !req
211. Fire a warning shot
across her nose.Copy !req
212. What's going on?Copy !req
213. It's either
the Fourth of July,Copy !req
214. or someone's
trying to kill us!Copy !req
215. Hey!Copy !req
216. I don't have to put up
with this. I'm rich.Copy !req
217. What are you doing?Copy !req
218. I'm calling my father.Copy !req
219. 1-800-Druidia.Copy !req
220. Careful, you idiot!
I said across
her nose, not up it!Copy !req
221. Sorry, sir.
I'm doing my best.Copy !req
222. Who made
that man a gunner?Copy !req
223. I did, sir.Copy !req
224. He's my cousin.Copy !req
225. Who is he?
He's an Asshole, sir.Copy !req
226. I know that.
What's his name?Copy !req
227. That is his name, sir.Copy !req
228. Asshole.
Major Asshole.Copy !req
229. And his cousin?
He's an Asshole, too, sir.Copy !req
230. Gunner's Mate,
First Class,
Phillip Asshole.Copy !req
231. How many Assholes
we got
on this ship anyhow?Copy !req
232. Yo!Copy !req
233. I knew it.
I'm surrounded
by assholes.Copy !req
234. Keep firing, assholes!Copy !req
235. Hurry, Daddy. Hurry!Copy !req
236. There are laser blasts
all around us! I'm scared.Copy !req
237. King Roland to Lone Starr.Copy !req
238. Are you there?Copy !req
239. Lone Starr, you've got
to help me.
Please save my daughter.Copy !req
240. She's being attacked
by Spaceballs!Copy !req
241. Spaceballs?
Forget it.
Too dangerous.Copy !req
242. Besides, I'm already
numero uno on
Dark Helmet's hit list.Copy !req
243. Look, Your Highness,
it's not that we're
afraid. Far from it.Copy !req
244. It's just that
we got this thing
about death. It's not us.Copy !req
245. Please, you must!Copy !req
246. You're the only ones
that can save her!
I'll give you anything!Copy !req
247. Did you hear me?
Anything.Copy !req
248. Anything?Copy !req
249. Yes, anything.Copy !req
250. Okay. We'll do it
for a million.Copy !req
251. A million?Copy !req
252. You're starting to fade here.
We're losing picture,
Your Highness.Copy !req
253. All right, I'll pay it.
Only find her, save her.Copy !req
254. All right, King.
You just made a deal.Copy !req
255. One princess for
1 million space bucks.Copy !req
256. What's she driving?Copy !req
257. A brand-new white MercedesCopy !req
258. 2001 SEL limited edition.Copy !req
259. Moon roof,
all-leather interior.Copy !req
260. I got it at
a very good price.
I paid cash.Copy !req
261. My cousin, Prince Murray,
has a dealership
in the valley.Copy !req
262. He was very nice to me.Copy !req
263. We get the idea.Copy !req
264. Where was
she last seen?Copy !req
265. She was just passing
Jupiter Two.Copy !req
266. We'll find her.Copy !req
267. Please bring her back safely.Copy !req
268. And if it's at all possible,
try to save the car.Copy !req
269. 1 million space bucks!
We'll be able to
pay off Pizza the Hutt!Copy !req
270. Give me paw!Copy !req
271. What's happening?Copy !req
272. What's that glow?Copy !req
273. We're not moving.Copy !req
274. We're moving,
all right.Copy !req
275. Backwards.Copy !req
276. Look, there's our princess.
She's got company.Copy !req
277. Oh, no.
Spaceballs!Copy !req
278. And they've already
got her in
their magnetic beam.Copy !req
279. We're too late.
What a shame.Copy !req
280. I'll throw her in reverse.
We'll get out of here.Copy !req
281. No! Bad.Copy !req
282. What are we doing
risking our lives for
a runaway princess?Copy !req
283. I know we need
the money, but...
Listen,Copy !req
284. we're not just
doing this for money.Copy !req
285. We're doing it
for a shitload of money.Copy !req
286. You're right.Copy !req
287. And when you're right,
you're right. And you,
you're always right.Copy !req
288. Okay, we save her.
But how?Copy !req
289. The minute we move in there,
they're gonna
spot us on their radar.Copy !req
290. Uh-uh.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
291. Uh-uh.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
292. Not if we jam it.Copy !req
293. Aha!Copy !req
294. You're right.Copy !req
295. Down scope.
Down scope.Copy !req
296. Radar about to be jammed.Copy !req
297. Shit.Copy !req
298. Sir.
What is it?Copy !req
299. Can I talk to you
for a minute,
please, sir?Copy !req
300. Well?Copy !req
301. I'm having trouble
with the radar, sir.Copy !req
302. You don't need that,
Private. We're right
here. What is it?Copy !req
303. I'm having trouble
with the radar, sir.Copy !req
304. Now what is it?Copy !req
305. I'm having trouble
with the radar.Copy !req
306. What's wrong?Copy !req
307. I've lost the bleeps,
the sweeps,
and the creeps.Copy !req
308. The what?
And the what?Copy !req
309. You know. The bleeps.Copy !req
310. The sweeps.Copy !req
311. And the creeps.Copy !req
312. That's not
all he's lost.Copy !req
313. Sir.
The radar, sir.Copy !req
314. It appears to beCopy !req
315. jammed.Copy !req
316. Jammed.Copy !req
317. Raspberry.Copy !req
318. Well, there's only one man
who would dare
give me the raspberry.Copy !req
319. Lone Starr!Copy !req
320. What was that?Copy !req
321. Never mind that.
What was that?Copy !req
322. Hi.Copy !req
323. Who are you?
Barf.Copy !req
324. Not in here, mister.
This is a Mercedes.Copy !req
325. No, that's
my name. Barf.Copy !req
326. Barf?Copy !req
327. What are you?Copy !req
328. I'm a Mawg:
half man, half dog.Copy !req
329. I'm my own best friend.Copy !req
330. What do you want?Copy !req
331. Your father hired
Captain Lone Starr
and me to save you.Copy !req
332. We got to hop up
this ladder and get out.Copy !req
333. Good. Quick.
Hurry, darling.
Follow the dog.Copy !req
334. Mawg. I'm a Mawg.Copy !req
335. Wait. What about
my matched luggage?Copy !req
336. Stop looking
up my can.Copy !req
337. Sorry.Copy !req
338. Checking in?
What the hell
is all that?Copy !req
339. It's Her Royal Highness's
matched luggage!Copy !req
340. What?Copy !req
341. Her Royal Highness's
matched luggage.Copy !req
342. Matched luggage, huh?Copy !req
343. What's she think this is,
a Princess Cruise?Copy !req
344. Well, she wouldn't
go without it.Copy !req
345. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
346. Now hear this.Copy !req
347. The minute
we get out of here,
the first thing we do isCopy !req
348. dump the matched luggage.Copy !req
349. Who is that?Copy !req
350. Now you hear this,
whoever you are.Copy !req
351. You will not touch
that luggage.Copy !req
352. And furthermore,
I want this pigsty
cleaned up.Copy !req
353. I will not be rescued
in such filth.Copy !req
354. Listen. On this ship,
I don't take orders,
I give them.Copy !req
355. This is my dreamboat,
sweetheart.Copy !req
356. Sweetheart?Copy !req
357. Oh-oh.Copy !req
358. How dare you
speak to me that way?Copy !req
359. You will address me
in the proper manner
as Your Royal Highness.Copy !req
360. I am Princess Vespa,Copy !req
361. daughter of Roland,
King of the Druids.Copy !req
362. That's all we needed.Copy !req
363. A Druish princess.Copy !req
364. Funny.
She doesn't look Druish.Copy !req
365. Now we will show her
who is in charge
of this galaxy.Copy !req
366. Hold it.
I'll handle this
personally.Copy !req
367. Jawohl,
Lord Helmet!Copy !req
368. So, Princess Vespa,Copy !req
369. you thought you could
outwit the imperious forces
of Planet Spaceball.Copy !req
370. Well, you were wrong.Copy !req
371. You are now our prisoner.Copy !req
372. And you will be held
hostage until such timeCopy !req
373. as all of the air
is transferred
from your planetCopy !req
374. to ours.Copy !req
375. She's not in there.Copy !req
376. Radar repaired, sir.Copy !req
377. We're picking up the outline
of a Winnebago.Copy !req
378. Winnebago?Copy !req
379. Lone Starr.Copy !req
380. Here comes
the Badyear blimp.Copy !req
381. We'd better get out
of here in a hurry.Copy !req
382. Switch to
secret hyper-jets.Copy !req
383. Switching to
secret hyper-jets.Copy !req
384. Buckle up back there,
we're going
into hyperactive.Copy !req
385. We're closing in
on them, sir.Copy !req
386. In less than a minute,
Lone Starr will be ours.Copy !req
387. Good.
Prepare to attack.Copy !req
388. Prepare to attack.Copy !req
389. On the count of three.Copy !req
390. One,Copy !req
391. two,Copy !req
392. late!Copy !req
393. What happened?
Where are they?Copy !req
394. I don't know, sir.Copy !req
395. They must have
hyper-jets
on that thing.Copy !req
396. And what have
we got on this thing,
a Cuisinart?Copy !req
397. No, sir.Copy !req
398. Well, find them,
catch them!Copy !req
399. Yes, sir.Copy !req
400. Prepare ship
for light speed.Copy !req
401. No, light speed
is too slow.Copy !req
402. Light speed too slow?Copy !req
403. Yes. We're gonna
have to go right to
ludicrous speed.Copy !req
404. Ludicrous speed?Copy !req
405. We've never gone that fast.
I don't know
if this ship can take it.Copy !req
406. What's the matter,
Colonel Sandurz?Copy !req
407. Chicken?Copy !req
408. Prepare ship.Copy !req
409. Prepare ship for
ludicrous speed.Copy !req
410. Fasten all seat belts.Copy !req
411. Seal all entrances
and exits.Copy !req
412. Close all shops
in the mall.Copy !req
413. Cancel the
three-ring circus.Copy !req
414. Secure all animals
in the zoo...Copy !req
415. Give me that,
you petty excuse
for an officer.Copy !req
416. Now hear this.Copy !req
417. Ludicrous speed!Copy !req
418. Sir, hadn't you
better buckle up?Copy !req
419. Buckle this.Copy !req
420. Ludicrous speed! Go!Copy !req
421. What have I done?Copy !req
422. My brains are going
into my feet.Copy !req
423. What the hell
was that?Copy !req
424. Spaceball One.Copy !req
425. They've gone to plaid.Copy !req
426. We passed them.
Stop this thing.Copy !req
427. We can't stop.
It's too dangerous.Copy !req
428. We've got to
slow down first.Copy !req
429. Bullshit!
Just stop this thing!Copy !req
430. I order you. Stop!Copy !req
431. Here, sir. Here.
Let me help you, sir.Copy !req
432. Are you
all right, sir?Copy !req
433. Fine.
How have you been?Copy !req
434. Fine, sir.Copy !req
435. Good.Copy !req
436. Good thing
you were wearing
that helmet.Copy !req
437. Yeah.Copy !req
438. What shall
we do now, sir?Copy !req
439. Well, are we stopped?Copy !req
440. We're stopped, sir.Copy !req
441. Good.Copy !req
442. Why don't we take
a five-minute break?Copy !req
443. Very good, sir.Copy !req
444. Smoke if
you got them.Copy !req
445. Take her out of
hyperactive.Copy !req
446. Taking her out
of hyperactive.Copy !req
447. Congrats, boss.
We did it.Copy !req
448. They must have
overshot us
by a week-and-a-half.Copy !req
449. Okay. Let's set
a course for Druidia.Copy !req
450. Setting a course
for...Copy !req
451. What's that?Copy !req
452. I don't know.
We're losing power!Copy !req
453. Why?
'Cause we're out of gas!Copy !req
454. Must have burned it
up in hyperactive.Copy !req
455. We should have put
more than
five bucks' worth in!Copy !req
456. Okay. We'll have to
set her down.Copy !req
457. Prepare for
an emergency landing.Copy !req
458. Quick, give me
a reading!Copy !req
459. Our Father,
who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name...Copy !req
460. Will you stop that?Copy !req
461. Keep your seat belts
fastened back there.Copy !req
462. You okay, Princess?Copy !req
463. No, you idiot!
Where'd you learn
how to fly?Copy !req
464. Okay.
Eagle 5 coming in.Copy !req
465. Left! Go left!
Right! I mean right!Copy !req
466. Pull up!Copy !req
467. Where're you going?Copy !req
468. I am going to tell him
off once and for all.Copy !req
469. Wait. We'll need him
to get us out of here.Copy !req
470. Called me an idiot?Copy !req
471. I'm going back there
and explain
a few things to her.Copy !req
472. Besides, he's got
a sexy voice.
He might be cute.Copy !req
473. You haven't seen her.Copy !req
474. I know what
she looks like.Copy !req
475. You've seen one,
you've seen them all.Copy !req
476. Cute? I know
these space bums,
they're all alike.Copy !req
477. Fat, ugly...Copy !req
478. Buck-toothed,
knock-kneed...Copy !req
479. Beer-swilling pigs!Copy !req
480. Horse-faced space dogs!Copy !req
481. Yeah, well, normally...Copy !req
482. That's gonna leave a mark.Copy !req
483. Now listen, you...Copy !req
484. You listen.Copy !req
485. On this ship, you're
to refer to me as "idiot,"
not "you Captain."Copy !req
486. I mean... You know
what I mean.Copy !req
487. And you will not
call me "you."Copy !req
488. You will never
address me as "you."Copy !req
489. You will call me
"Your Royal Highness"!Copy !req
490. You are a royal
pain in the...Copy !req
491. - Hold it. Time!
- What?Copy !req
492. May I make
a small suggestion?Copy !req
493. Any minute now,
the Spaceballs
will make a major U-turn,Copy !req
494. head back this way,
and make us all dead.Copy !req
495. He's right. Let's go.Copy !req
496. Wait. My things.Copy !req
497. Now listen,
you royal...Copy !req
498. Highness.Copy !req
499. Take only what
you need to survive.Copy !req
500. Please slow down.
I'm getting sand
up my gears.Copy !req
501. Gee, I hope
she didn't
forget anything.Copy !req
502. All right,
wait a minute, Barf.
Put it down.Copy !req
503. What the hell's
in this thing?Copy !req
504. What's this?Copy !req
505. I said, take only
what you need
to survive.Copy !req
506. My industrial-strength
hair dryer.Copy !req
507. And I can't
live without it!Copy !req
508. Okay, Princess,
that's it.Copy !req
509. The fairy tale is over.Copy !req
510. Welcome to real life.Copy !req
511. You want this
hot air machine,
you carry it.Copy !req
512. You pick that up.Copy !req
513. You pick that up.Copy !req
514. How dare you,
you insolent peasant?Copy !req
515. Nobody talks to me
that way. Nobody!Copy !req
516. Nobody!Copy !req
517. Well, what have we got here?
Will you look at her?Copy !req
518. Those flashing eyes,
those flushed cheeks,
those trembling lips.Copy !req
519. You know
something, Princess?Copy !req
520. You are ugly
when you're angry.Copy !req
521. Uh-oh.Copy !req
522. That's it.Copy !req
523. You and
your dog are...Copy !req
524. Please.Copy !req
525. Total humans,
droids, if I may?Copy !req
526. It's going to be
very dark soon.Copy !req
527. I suggest we find
a place to camp
for the night.Copy !req
528. Come, darling.Copy !req
529. See? It's lighter.Copy !req
530. Oh, yeah.
This is the best.Copy !req
531. I could have carried
two or three of these.Copy !req
532. Have you
found them yet?Copy !req
533. No, Lord Helmet.Copy !req
534. They're still not
on the scanner.Copy !req
535. Well, keep looking
for them.Copy !req
536. Pardon me, sir.
I have an idea.Copy !req
537. Corporal, get me
the video cassette of
The Movie.Copy !req
538. Yes, sir.Copy !req
539. "The Producers, Twelve Chairs,
Blazing Saddles,
Young Frankenstein."Copy !req
540. Colonel Sandurz,
may I speak
with you, please?Copy !req
541. Yes, sir.Copy !req
542. How can there be a cassette
of Spaceballs: The Movie?Copy !req
543. We're still
in the middle
of making it.Copy !req
544. True, sir.Copy !req
545. There's been
a new breakthrough in
home video marketing.Copy !req
546. There has?Copy !req
547. Yes.
Instant cassettes.Copy !req
548. They're out in stores
before the
movie is finished.Copy !req
549. No.Copy !req
550. Here it is, sir!
Spaceballs.Copy !req
551. - Good work, Corporal.
- Punch it up.Copy !req
552. That's much too early.
Prepare to
fast-forward.Copy !req
553. Preparing to
fast-forward.Copy !req
554. Fast-forward!
Fast-forwarding, sir.Copy !req
555. No, go past this.
Past this part.Copy !req
556. In fact, never play
this again.Copy !req
557. Try here. Stop.Copy !req
558. What the hell
am I looking at?Copy !req
559. When does this happen
in the movie?Copy !req
560. Now.Copy !req
561. You're looking
at now, sir.Copy !req
562. Everything that happens now
is happening now.Copy !req
563. What happened to then?
We passed then.Copy !req
564. When?
Just now.Copy !req
565. We're at now, now.Copy !req
566. Go back to then.Copy !req
567. When?
Now.Copy !req
568. I can't. We missed it.
When?Copy !req
569. Just now.Copy !req
570. When will then
be now?Copy !req
571. Soon.Copy !req
572. How soon?Copy !req
573. Sir!
We've identified
their location!Copy !req
574. Where?
It's the moon of Vega.Copy !req
575. Set a course
and prepare
for our arrival.Copy !req
576. When?
1900 hours, sir.Copy !req
577. By high noon tomorrow,
they will be
our prisoners.Copy !req
578. Who?Copy !req
579. No, thank you.
I'm perfectly all right.Copy !req
580. Take it,
it's freezing.Copy !req
581. If you insist.Copy !req
582. Won't you be cold?Copy !req
583. No, cold never bothers me.Copy !req
584. I can't seem
to find Druidia.Copy !req
585. It's right there.Copy !req
586. Where?Copy !req
587. It's right there.
It's that bright blue one
right there. See?Copy !req
588. Oh, yeah.
But it's so far away.Copy !req
589. Don't worry,
I'll get you there.Copy !req
590. Which one's yours?Copy !req
591. Who knows?Copy !req
592. You don't know
where you're from?Copy !req
593. Not really. I was found
on the doorstep
of a monastery.Copy !req
594. Monastery? Where?Copy !req
595. Somewhere
in the Ford Galaxy.Copy !req
596. Well, didn't the monks
tell you who
your parents were?Copy !req
597. They couldn't.
They took a vow
of silence.Copy !req
598. All I got was this.
It was around my neck.Copy !req
599. What is it?
I don't know.Copy !req
600. I've taken it
to every wise man
in the universeCopy !req
601. and nobody could
tell me
what it means.Copy !req
602. It's beautiful.Copy !req
603. You know, I...Copy !req
604. It's beautiful.Copy !req
605. So, how come
you ran away
from your wedding?Copy !req
606. Well, if you must know,
I wasn't in love
with the groom.Copy !req
607. Why were you
going to marry him?Copy !req
608. Because I'm a princess,
and I have to
marry a prince.Copy !req
609. And he doesn't
do it for you, huh?Copy !req
610. No, he doesn't
do it for me.Copy !req
611. I really must go back.Copy !req
612. I shouldn't have run away.Copy !req
613. I realize now that
love is one luxuryCopy !req
614. a princess
cannot afford.Copy !req
615. You're probably right.Copy !req
616. I know now
that I must learn
to live without love.Copy !req
617. I guess so.Copy !req
618. Besides, love isn't
that important.Copy !req
619. No, it never was.Copy !req
620. I could be perfectly happy
the rest of my life withoutCopy !req
621. love.Copy !req
622. Sure you could.Copy !req
623. Without physical contact.Copy !req
624. Yeah.Copy !req
625. Without being held.Copy !req
626. Yeah.Copy !req
627. Or kissed.Copy !req
628. Abandon ship!Copy !req
629. Women and Mawgs first!Copy !req
630. We'll have none
of that, mister.Copy !req
631. How far did he get?
What did he touch?Copy !req
632. Nothing happened!Copy !req
633. What the hell
was that noise?Copy !req
634. That was
my Virgin Alarm.Copy !req
635. It's programmed
to go off
before you do.Copy !req
636. You get back
to bed, miss.Copy !req
637. And as for you,
sex fiend...Copy !req
638. All right.
Let's all just get
some sleep.Copy !req
639. We gotta get moving
before dawn.Copy !req
640. Why so early?Copy !req
641. Because we're in
the middle of the desertCopy !req
642. and we aren't gonna get
very far once that
blazing sun gets overhead.Copy !req
643. Nice dissolve.Copy !req
644. Water.Copy !req
645. Oil.Copy !req
646. Room service.Copy !req
647. Chief, I'm dead.Copy !req
648. I can't go
any further.Copy !req
649. Come on, Barf,
old buddy.Copy !req
650. Just one more
dune to go.Copy !req
651. No!Copy !req
652. You said that
three dunes ago.
I got no more left.Copy !req
653. Oh, waiter.
Check, please.Copy !req
654. Must go on.Copy !req
655. Must go on.Copy !req
656. Must go on.Copy !req
657. Who am I kidding?Copy !req
658. Thanks, little guy.Copy !req
659. Thank you.Copy !req
660. Did I miss something?Copy !req
661. When did we get
to Disneyland?Copy !req
662. I don't
see them, Sandurz.Copy !req
663. I've sent the troops
on ahead
to Vector 78, sir.Copy !req
664. Let's get moving.Copy !req
665. Yes, sir.
Driver, prepare
to move out.Copy !req
666. What are you preparing?
You're always
preparing. Just go.Copy !req
667. Just go.
Yes, sir.Copy !req
668. Sir, shouldn't
you sit down?Copy !req
669. What're they saying?Copy !req
670. Well, it's obvious
they want us
to go with them.Copy !req
671. What is
this place?Copy !req
672. It looks like
the Temple of Doom.Copy !req
673. Well, it sure ain't
Temple Beth Israel.Copy !req
674. Come on. I think
we'd better
follow them.Copy !req
675. Oh-oh. I think
we woke it up.Copy !req
676. Goodbye, folks!
Let me know
how it turns out.Copy !req
677. Come back
here, Dot!Copy !req
678. Come on.
We gotta
keep going.Copy !req
679. We need you.Copy !req
680. What's gonna
happen now?Copy !req
681. Don't ask.
Maybe it won't.Copy !req
682. But what if
it does?Copy !req
683. I don't know about you,
but I'm all for leaving.Copy !req
684. I say we get out
of here right now,
while the going...Copy !req
685. Silence!Copy !req
686. Who dares enter
the sacred and
awesome presenceCopy !req
687. of the everlasting
know-it-all, Yogurt?Copy !req
688. Yogurt?Copy !req
689. You heard of me?Copy !req
690. Heard of you?
Who hasn't
heard of Yogurt?Copy !req
691. Yogurt,
the wise.Copy !req
692. Yogurt,
the all-powerful.Copy !req
693. Yogurt,
the magnificent.Copy !req
694. Please, don't make a fuss.
I'm just plain Yogurt.Copy !req
695. But you're the one...Copy !req
696. Yes.Copy !req
697. I am the keeper of
a greater magic,Copy !req
698. a power known throughout
the universe as the...Copy !req
699. The Force?Copy !req
700. No. The Schwartz.Copy !req
701. The Schwartz!Copy !req
702. Yes, the Schwartz.Copy !req
703. But, Yogurt, what is
this place? What is it
that you do here?Copy !req
704. Merchandising.Copy !req
705. Merchandising?
What's that?Copy !req
706. Merchandising.Copy !req
707. Come, I'll show you.
Open up the store.Copy !req
708. Come! Walk this way.
Take a look.Copy !req
709. We put the picture's
name on everything!Copy !req
710. Merchandising,Copy !req
711. where the real money
from the movie is made.Copy !req
712. Spaceballs, The T-shirt.Copy !req
713. Spaceballs,
The Coloring Book.Copy !req
714. Spaceballs,
The Lunch Box.Copy !req
715. Spaceballs,
The Breakfast Cereal.Copy !req
716. Spaceballs,
The Flamethrower.Copy !req
717. The kids love this one.Copy !req
718. Last, but not least,Copy !req
719. Spaceballs, The Doll.
Me.Copy !req
720. May the Schwartz
be with you.Copy !req
721. Adorable.Copy !req
722. Hot togetherCopy !req
723. HotCopy !req
724. So hot togetherCopy !req
725. Baby, we could be hot...Copy !req
726. President Skroob.Copy !req
727. What is it?Copy !req
728. I have an urgent message
from Lord Helmet.
He's lost the Princess.Copy !req
729. Where?Copy !req
730. Somewhere in
the sands of Vega.Copy !req
731. Tell them to comb the desert.
Do you hear me?
Comb the desert!Copy !req
732. Yes, sir.Copy !req
733. Sir?
What?Copy !req
734. Are we being
too literal?Copy !req
735. No, you fool.
We're following orders.Copy !req
736. We were told to
comb the desert,
so we're combing it.Copy !req
737. Found anything yet?Copy !req
738. Nothing yet, sir.Copy !req
739. How about you?Copy !req
740. Not a thing, sir.Copy !req
741. What about
you guys?Copy !req
742. We ain't found shit!Copy !req
743. It's a big mystery.
None of the wise men
could tell me what it means.Copy !req
744. Wise men, pshaw.
Wise guys, you mean.
What do they know?Copy !req
745. Here, let me
take a look.Copy !req
746. You can read it!Copy !req
747. No, I was just
clearing my throat.Copy !req
748. Here, let me
take a...Copy !req
749. Oh, yes.
Yes, of course!Copy !req
750. You understand it?Copy !req
751. Yes.
What's it say?Copy !req
752. I cannot tell you that now.
It shall be revealed
to you at the proper time.Copy !req
753. Great.Copy !req
754. Come on, don't be
disappointed.Copy !req
755. Back to your
Schwartz training.Copy !req
756. Here, take the ring.
Point it at
that big statue.Copy !req
757. Okay. But I still
don't understandCopy !req
758. how I'm going to lift
that big statue
with this little ring.Copy !req
759. Never underestimate
the power
of the Schwartz!Copy !req
760. Come on, concentrate!
Here we go!Copy !req
761. Concentrate.Copy !req
762. Lone Starr,
you're doing it!Copy !req
763. I can't believe it!
The Schwartz,
it's working!Copy !req
764. Hey, boss,
how'd you do that?Copy !req
765. Give me the ring, quick.Copy !req
766. Upsy-daisy!Copy !req
767. Sorry, Barf.Copy !req
768. Keep searching.Copy !req
769. It's no use, sir.
We've searched
everywhere.Copy !req
770. Wait.Copy !req
771. I feel the presence
of the Schwartz.Copy !req
772. The Schwartz?
Yes.Copy !req
773. It's coming
from somewhereCopy !req
774. down there.Copy !req
775. You're right, sir.
There's a secret
entrance here.Copy !req
776. And look at this
insignia. It's a "Y."Copy !req
777. Yogurt!
I hate yogurt!Copy !req
778. Even with strawberries!Copy !req
779. I'll call for
the attack squad, sir.Copy !req
780. No, we can't go in there.
Yogurt has the Schwartz.Copy !req
781. It's far too powerful.Copy !req
782. But, sir, your ring.
Don't you have
the Schwartz, too?Copy !req
783. He got the upside.
I got the downside.Copy !req
784. There's two sides
to every Schwartz.Copy !req
785. Then how are we gonna
go in there and get her?Copy !req
786. We will not
go in there.Copy !req
787. She will
come out to us.Copy !req
788. Vespa, my child.
Where are you?Copy !req
789. Daddy?Copy !req
790. Vespa, it's your father,
King Roland.Copy !req
791. Come to me.Copy !req
792. Daddy?Copy !req
793. I hear you.
Where are you?Copy !req
794. Follow my voice.Copy !req
795. Come to me.Copy !req
796. Vespa, where are you going?Copy !req
797. Vespa, come to me.Copy !req
798. Daddy.
Is it really you?Copy !req
799. Yes, my dear.Copy !req
800. I guarantee it.
Would I lie?Copy !req
801. Daddy.Copy !req
802. No, Vespa, don't!Copy !req
803. Fooled you.Copy !req
804. Take them both aboard
and put the Princess
in my quarters.Copy !req
805. Yes, sir.Copy !req
806. Now she is mine.Copy !req
807. What's the matter?
What are they saying?Copy !req
808. They've taken
the Princess.Copy !req
809. Spaceballs.
Too late.Copy !req
810. Don't worry, boss.
We'll get her back.Copy !req
811. Thanks for
the gas, Yogurt.Copy !req
812. You're welcome.
And here!Copy !req
813. Just in case
you get hungry.Copy !req
814. A fortune cookie?
Yes!Copy !req
815. Remember, open it
before you eat it.Copy !req
816. Thanks.
We better get going.Copy !req
817. I wonder,
will we ever see
each other again?Copy !req
818. Who knows? God willing,
we'll all meet againCopy !req
819. in Spaceballs 2:
The Search for More Money.Copy !req
820. Goodbye, Lone Starr.Copy !req
821. Goodbye, Yogurt.Copy !req
822. The ring of the Schwartz!Copy !req
823. No, I can't take this.Copy !req
824. Take it.
You might need it.Copy !req
825. Thanks.
I'll never forget you.Copy !req
826. Wish me luck.Copy !req
827. So, Princess Vespa,Copy !req
828. at last I have you
in my clutchesCopy !req
829. to have my way with you
the way I want to.Copy !req
830. No, please!
Leave me alone.Copy !req
831. No, you are mine.Copy !req
832. Not so fast, Helmet.Copy !req
833. Lone Starr.Copy !req
834. Yes, it's me.
I'm here to
save my girlfriend.Copy !req
835. Hi, honey.Copy !req
836. Now you are
going to die.Copy !req
837. Hey, what'd you do
to my friend?Copy !req
838. The same thing
I'm going to do
to you, big boy.Copy !req
839. And you, too.Copy !req
840. Now, Princess Vespa,
at last we are alone.Copy !req
841. No, I hate you.
Leave me alone!Copy !req
842. Yet I find you
strangely attractive.Copy !req
843. Of course you do.Copy !req
844. Druish princesses
are often attracted
to money and power.Copy !req
845. And I have both.
And you know it.Copy !req
846. Leave me alone!
No, kiss me!Copy !req
847. No! Yes! No!Copy !req
848. No!
Yes!Copy !req
849. Your helmet
is so big.Copy !req
850. Lord Helmet.
What?Copy !req
851. You're needed
on the bridge, sir!Copy !req
852. Knock on my door.
Knock next time!Copy !req
853. Yes, sir.Copy !req
854. Did you see anything?
No, sir.Copy !req
855. I didn't see
you playing
with your dolls.Copy !req
856. Good.Copy !req
857. President Skroob.Copy !req
858. I told you never to
call me on this wall.
This is an unlisted wall.Copy !req
859. Sorry, sir,
but it's very important.Copy !req
860. The Princess
has just been brought
to your officeCopy !req
861. and Lord Helmet
and Colonel Sandurz
are awaiting you there.Copy !req
862. All right. Tell them
I'll be right there.Copy !req
863. Yes, sir!Copy !req
864. Helmet, you fiend!
What's going on?Copy !req
865. What are you doing
to my daughter?Copy !req
866. Permit me
to introduceCopy !req
867. the brilliant young
plastic surgeon,
Dr. Phillip Schlotkin.Copy !req
868. The greatest nose job man
in the entire universe
and Beverly Hills.Copy !req
869. Your Highness.Copy !req
870. Nose job?
I don't understand.Copy !req
871. She's already had a nose job.
It was her
sweet-sixteen present.Copy !req
872. No, it's not what
you think.
It's much, much worse.Copy !req
873. If you do not give me
the combination
to the air shield,Copy !req
874. Dr. Schlotkin will give
your daughter back
her old nose.Copy !req
875. No!Copy !req
876. Where did you get that?Copy !req
877. All right, I'll tell!Copy !req
878. No, Daddy,
no, you mustn't!Copy !req
879. You're right, my dear.
I'll miss your new nose.Copy !req
880. But I will not tell him
the combination,
no matter what.Copy !req
881. Very well.
Dr. Schlotkin,
do your worst.Copy !req
882. My pleasure.Copy !req
883. No! Wait!Copy !req
884. I'll tell.Copy !req
885. I knew
it would work.
All right, give it to me.Copy !req
886. The combination is:Copy !req
887. One.Copy !req
888. Two.Copy !req
889. Three.Copy !req
890. Four.Copy !req
891. Five.Copy !req
892. So the combination is
1-2-3-4-5.Copy !req
893. That's the stupidest
combination
I ever heard in my life!Copy !req
894. That's the kind of thing
an idiot would
have on his luggage!Copy !req
895. Thank you,
Your Highness.Copy !req
896. What did you do?Copy !req
897. I turned off
the wall.Copy !req
898. No, you turned off
the whole movie.Copy !req
899. I must have pressed
the wrong button.Copy !req
900. Put the movie back on!Copy !req
901. Yes, sir.Copy !req
902. You gotta get
that thing fixed.Copy !req
903. We're back!
And we have
the combination!Copy !req
904. Schlotkin!
What?Copy !req
905. We're done with you.Copy !req
906. Go back to the golf course
and work on your putts.Copy !req
907. Let's go, Arnold.
Come, Gretchen.Copy !req
908. Of course, you know
I'll still have
to bill you for this.Copy !req
909. I bet she gives
great helmet.Copy !req
910. Did it work?
Where's the King?Copy !req
911. It worked, sir.
We have the combination.Copy !req
912. Great. Now we can take
every last breath of fresh air
from Planet Druidia.Copy !req
913. What's the combination?Copy !req
914. 1-2-3-4-5.Copy !req
915. 1-2-3-4-5?Copy !req
916. Yes.Copy !req
917. That's amazing.
I've got the same
combination on my luggage.Copy !req
918. Prepare Spaceball One
for immediate departure.Copy !req
919. Yes, sir.Copy !req
920. And change the combination
on my luggage.Copy !req
921. There it is.
Spaceball City,
straight ahead.Copy !req
922. Good,
I'm taking her in.Copy !req
923. What the hell
is that thing?Copy !req
924. It looks like
a Winnebago with wings.Copy !req
925. Hey, you can't
park here!Copy !req
926. Yeah, can't you guys
read? "No parking."Copy !req
927. That son of a...Copy !req
928. All right, hands up.
You're under arrest
for illegal parking.Copy !req
929. Yeah!Copy !req
930. Warden Miller,
you're wanted in V-17.Copy !req
931. Attention.
Section C scanners, report.Copy !req
932. Nah.Copy !req
933. She's gotta be
in one of
these cells.Copy !req
934. Yeah, but which one?Copy !req
935. No.
No.Copy !req
936. Nobody knowsCopy !req
937. It's coming
from here.Copy !req
938. That can't
be her.Copy !req
939. The trouble
I've seenCopy !req
940. Nobody knows
but JesusCopy !req
941. It's her.Copy !req
942. Nobody knowsCopy !req
943. The trouble I've seenCopy !req
944. She's a bass.Copy !req
945. Glory hallelujahCopy !req
946. What do you want?Copy !req
947. It's me.Copy !req
948. It's us.Copy !req
949. Lone Starr.
How did you find us?Copy !req
950. No time to talk.
Come on.Copy !req
951. We gotta move.Copy !req
952. Barf! How'd you do it?Copy !req
953. Those are the guys
that stole
our uniforms!Copy !req
954. And beat the shit
out of us, too!Copy !req
955. We got company.Copy !req
956. Watch out!Copy !req
957. Damn it!
That's our
only way out.Copy !req
958. We're trapped.Copy !req
959. I hate
these movies.Copy !req
960. I'm out of ammo!Copy !req
961. Get back!
I'll hold them off.Copy !req
962. I got an idea!Copy !req
963. What's he doing?Copy !req
964. Good work.Copy !req
965. More ping-pongs.
Run for it.Copy !req
966. Let's go!Copy !req
967. It's closing!Copy !req
968. The door's closing!Copy !req
969. Go for broke!Copy !req
970. Don't move or
you're dead.
Stand up!Copy !req
971. Captain,
we've got them.Copy !req
972. Spectacular stunt, my friends,
but all for naught.Copy !req
973. Turn around, please.Copy !req
974. What a pity.Copy !req
975. So, Princess, you thought
you could outwit
the imperious force of...Copy !req
976. You idiots!Copy !req
977. These are not them.
You've captured
their stunt doubles.Copy !req
978. Search the area.
Find them!Copy !req
979. Hurry up.
Get aboard.
I'll hold them off.Copy !req
980. Open the door!Copy !req
981. I can't,
it's fused.Copy !req
982. What about this one?
It's locked.Copy !req
983. Where are the keys?
Inside.Copy !req
984. Oh, great!
Duck!Copy !req
985. Here, you hold them off.
I'll get the door.Copy !req
986. I ain't shooting
this thing.
I hate guns.Copy !req
987. My hair.
He shot my hair!Copy !req
988. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
989. Holy shit!Copy !req
990. How was that?Copy !req
991. Not bad.Copy !req
992. Not bad
for a girl.Copy !req
993. That was pretty good
for Rambo!Copy !req
994. Let's blow this joint.Copy !req
995. - President Skroob!
- Salute!Copy !req
996. Hail, Skroob.Copy !req
997. The ship is too big.
If I walk, the movie
will be over.Copy !req
998. Sir.
Yes?Copy !req
999. Never have that
damn thing down
in front of me.Copy !req
1000. How do I know you're not
making faces
at me under that thing?Copy !req
1001. President Skroob.
Yes?Copy !req
1002. There it is,
Planet Druidia.Copy !req
1003. Planet Druidia.
And 10,000 years
of fresh air.Copy !req
1004. The way he runs things,
it won't last 100.Copy !req
1005. What?Copy !req
1006. Preparing ship for
metamorphosis, sir.Copy !req
1007. Good.
Get on with it.Copy !req
1008. Ready, Kafka?Copy !req
1009. Look, it's
Spaceball One.Copy !req
1010. They've reached
the air shield.Copy !req
1011. And it's opening.Copy !req
1012. The ship's too big.
They'll never
get through.Copy !req
1013. How will they get
the air out? I don't see
any hoses or anything.Copy !req
1014. What's happening?Copy !req
1015. The ship. Changing.Copy !req
1016. Oh, my gosh.
It's not just
a spaceship.Copy !req
1017. It's a transformer.Copy !req
1018. It's changing into...Copy !req
1019. A gigantic...Copy !req
1020. Maid!Copy !req
1021. With a vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
1022. So that's how
they're gonna
get the air out.Copy !req
1023. Metamorphosis completed, sir.
Spaceball One has now becomeCopy !req
1024. Megamaid.Copy !req
1025. Good!Copy !req
1026. Remarkable.Copy !req
1027. Now, commence
Operation Vacu-Suck.Copy !req
1028. Suck.Copy !req
1029. Goodbye, little Vespa.Copy !req
1030. My little baby Vespa.Copy !req
1031. The air bag,
it's almost full.Copy !req
1032. What do we do?Copy !req
1033. We've gotta act fast.Copy !req
1034. Step one: We reverse
the vacuum and blow
the air back onto the planet.Copy !req
1035. Step two:
We destroy
that thing.Copy !req
1036. But isn't that
dangerous?Copy !req
1037. Extremely.Copy !req
1038. Plus, I don't know
how the hell
we're gonna do it.Copy !req
1039. What about that ring
Yogurt gave you?Copy !req
1040. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1041. Come on, boss.
Give it a shot!Copy !req
1042. Okay.
Here goes nothing.Copy !req
1043. Look at that.Copy !req
1044. Wow!Copy !req
1045. It's working.Copy !req
1046. Come on, Schwartz!Copy !req
1047. Helmet,
what's going on?Copy !req
1048. Sandurz,
what's going on?Copy !req
1049. It's Megamaid.
She's gone from
suck to blow.Copy !req
1050. What? They're getting
all their air back.
Do something.Copy !req
1051. Do something!Copy !req
1052. Do something!Copy !req
1053. I'm breathing.Copy !req
1054. Air.Copy !req
1055. Air!Copy !req
1056. Dim the lights.Copy !req
1057. Dimming the lights.Copy !req
1058. Go to infrared.Copy !req
1059. Going to infrared.Copy !req
1060. Pray to God.Copy !req
1061. Praying to God.Copy !req
1062. Careful.Copy !req
1063. What are you doing?Copy !req
1064. Scanning.Copy !req
1065. There's gotta be
a self-destruct mechanismCopy !req
1066. somewhere in
the central brain area.Copy !req
1067. I think
we just found it.Copy !req
1068. Where?
Watch.Copy !req
1069. Bingo!
There it is.Copy !req
1070. It's right below us.Copy !req
1071. Put her in hover, Barf.Copy !req
1072. Putting her in hover.Copy !req
1073. I'm going
down there.Copy !req
1074. He's going
down there.Copy !req
1075. I wouldn't.Copy !req
1076. What the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
1077. The Vulcan
neck pinch?Copy !req
1078. No, stupid.
You got it
much too high.Copy !req
1079. It's down here
where the shoulder
meets the neck.Copy !req
1080. Like this?Copy !req
1081. Yeah.Copy !req
1082. Thanks.Copy !req
1083. Hand print
identification, please.Copy !req
1084. Thanks again.Copy !req
1085. Is that you, Mylar?Copy !req
1086. Who are you?
What are you doing
with that?Copy !req
1087. This!Copy !req
1088. Sweet dreams.Copy !req
1089. Not so fast,
Lone Starr.Copy !req
1090. Helmet.Copy !req
1091. So. At last we meet
for the first time
for the last time.Copy !req
1092. Before you die,
there is something you should
know about us, Lone Starr.Copy !req
1093. What?Copy !req
1094. I am your father's
brother's nephew's
cousin's former roommate.Copy !req
1095. What's that make us?Copy !req
1096. Absolutely nothing!Copy !req
1097. Which is what
you are about to become.Copy !req
1098. Prepare to die.Copy !req
1099. You have the ring,
and I see your Schwartz
is as big as mine.Copy !req
1100. Now let's see
how well you handle it.Copy !req
1101. He did it.Copy !req
1102. What?Copy !req
1103. Shit! I hate it
when I get
my Schwartz twisted.Copy !req
1104. Maybe if I put my leg
up on yours, we could
scoot apart, like...Copy !req
1105. Good. Yeah, on three.
One, two, three, go!Copy !req
1106. So, Lone Starr,
Yogurt has taught you well.Copy !req
1107. If there's one thing
I despise,
it is a fair fight.Copy !req
1108. But if I must,
then I must.Copy !req
1109. May the best man win.Copy !req
1110. Put her there.Copy !req
1111. The ring! I can't believe
you fell for
the oldest trick in the book.Copy !req
1112. What a goof!
What's with you, man?
Come on.Copy !req
1113. You know what?
Here, let me give it
back to you.Copy !req
1114. Look at that!
You fell for that, too.Copy !req
1115. I can't believe it, man.Copy !req
1116. So, Lone Starr, now you see
that evil will always triumphCopy !req
1117. because good is dumb.Copy !req
1118. Very impressive,
Lone Starr.Copy !req
1119. Too bad this isn't
the Wide World of Sports.Copy !req
1120. Use the Schwartz,
Lone Starr.
Use the Schwartz.Copy !req
1121. I can't.
I lost the ring.Copy !req
1122. Forget the ring.
The ring is bupkis.Copy !req
1123. I found it
in a Cracker Jack box.Copy !req
1124. The Schwartz is in you,
Lone Starr. It's in you.Copy !req
1125. All right. I'll try.Copy !req
1126. Say goodbye to
your two best friends.Copy !req
1127. And I don't mean your pals
in the Winnebago.Copy !req
1128. Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.Copy !req
1129. This ship will self-destruct
in three minutes.Copy !req
1130. What's going on?
Where the hell
are we? Paris?Copy !req
1131. Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.Copy !req
1132. This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes
and 45 seconds.Copy !req
1133. You've got to stop it.
Is there any way
to stop it?Copy !req
1134. I can't.
It's irreversible.Copy !req
1135. Like my raincoat.Copy !req
1136. Attention, this is
Colonel Sandurz
in forward command.Copy !req
1137. Abandon ship!Copy !req
1138. All personnel proceed
to escape pods.Copy !req
1139. Close down the circus.
Evacuate the zoo.Copy !req
1140. The self-destruct mechanism
has been activated.
Abandon ship.Copy !req
1141. Sandurz, you gotta help me.
I don't know what to do.Copy !req
1142. I can't make decisions.
I'm a president!Copy !req
1143. This is
your two-minute warning.Copy !req
1144. This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes.Copy !req
1145. Launch all escape pods
as soon as they are filled.Copy !req
1146. What's happening?
Where is he?Copy !req
1147. SpaceballsCopy !req
1148. Watch out!Copy !req
1149. - Where is he?
- Here.Copy !req
1150. We've got a minute and 40
before the end of the world.
Hang on.Copy !req
1151. SpaceballsCopy !req
1152. Full throttle.
Full throttle.Copy !req
1153. Go to hyper-jets!
Going to hyper-jets.Copy !req
1154. If you're livin' in a bubble
and you haven't got a careCopy !req
1155. Get out of there.
Where do you think
you're going?Copy !req
1156. Pizza to go!Copy !req
1157. Well, you're gonna
be in troubleCopy !req
1158. 'Cause we're gonna
steal your airCopy !req
1159. 'Cause what you got
is what we needCopy !req
1160. And all we do
is dirty deedsCopy !req
1161. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1162. Watch out!Copy !req
1163. 'Cause we're
the SpaceballsCopy !req
1164. That's my escape pod.
Who are you?Copy !req
1165. I'm the bearded lady.
What are you,
one of the freaks?Copy !req
1166. Come back!
That's my pod! No!Copy !req
1167. Come back, you fat,
bearded bitch!Copy !req
1168. One pod left.
And three of us.
And I'm the president.Copy !req
1169. Well, boys,
it's a very lovely ship.Copy !req
1170. I think you should
go down with it.Copy !req
1171. Goodbye!Copy !req
1172. What the hell's
the matter
with this seat belt?Copy !req
1173. SpaceballsCopy !req
1174. This ship will self-destruct
in 20 seconds.Copy !req
1175. This is your last chance
to push
the cancellation button.Copy !req
1176. Cancellation button?
Hurry!Copy !req
1177. SpaceballsCopy !req
1178. Where is it?Copy !req
1179. It's gotta be here.Copy !req
1180. Out of order?Copy !req
1181. Fuck!
Even in the future
nothing works.Copy !req
1182. This ship will self-destruct
in exactly 10 seconds.Copy !req
1183. Counting down.Copy !req
1184. Ten. Nine.Copy !req
1185. Eight.Copy !req
1186. Six.Copy !req
1187. Six? What happened
to seven?Copy !req
1188. Just kidding.Copy !req
1189. There's
the other end.
Faster!Copy !req
1190. Seven.Copy !req
1191. Six. Five. Four.Copy !req
1192. Three. Two. One.Copy !req
1193. Have a nice day.Copy !req
1194. Thank you.Copy !req
1195. We did it!Copy !req
1196. We all did it.Copy !req
1197. So, I guess you might
call that a case
of man bites droid?Copy !req
1198. On a sadder note,
Pizza the Hutt,Copy !req
1199. famed half man, half pizza,
was found dead earlier todayCopy !req
1200. in the back seat
of his stretched limo.Copy !req
1201. Evidently,
the notorious gangsterCopy !req
1202. became locked in his car
and ate himself to death.Copy !req
1203. Coming up, Pongo's review
of Rocky 5,000.Copy !req
1204. Pongo.Copy !req
1205. Whoever said
when you've seen...Copy !req
1206. Did you hear that?
Pizza kicked the bucket.Copy !req
1207. Now we don't have to
pay him the million.
We can keep it for ourselves.Copy !req
1208. Daddy!Copy !req
1209. Vespa, my darling.
I thought I'd never
see you again.Copy !req
1210. My sweet little daughter.
I'm so happy that
you're home and safe.Copy !req
1211. And, little Vespa,
here's someone else
who's happy to see you.Copy !req
1212. Hello.
Where have you been?Copy !req
1213. Thanks, hon.Copy !req
1214. Hiya, big stuff.
Hi, dream.Copy !req
1215. What will you have?Copy !req
1216. We just got a couple minutes
while we're gassing up.
What's ready?Copy !req
1217. I can give you
the space soup,
or the space special.Copy !req
1218. I'll have the soup.Copy !req
1219. Okay.Copy !req
1220. I'll have the cleavage.
Special.Copy !req
1221. Okay, one special
and one soup.Copy !req
1222. Ready to order?Copy !req
1223. Hi, yes.Copy !req
1224. We'll both have
the lunafish.Copy !req
1225. Anything to drink?Copy !req
1226. Hey, watch where
you're sticking
that thing.Copy !req
1227. Look, it's got
a mind of its own,
sweetheart.Copy !req
1228. I can't do
a thing with it.Copy !req
1229. So, we were lost.
None of us knew
where we were.Copy !req
1230. And then Harry
began feeling around
on all the trees.Copy !req
1231. Then he said,
"I got it.
We on Pluto."Copy !req
1232. And we say,
"Harry, how can
you tell?"Copy !req
1233. He said,
"From the bark,
you dummies."Copy !req
1234. Is he all right?Copy !req
1235. Yeah,
the guy digs me.Copy !req
1236. Hey, what's wrong
with this guy?Copy !req
1237. I don't know.Copy !req
1238. Bring him
some water!Copy !req
1239. Water, my ass!
Bring this guy
some Pepto-Bismol!Copy !req
1240. Waitress!
What did he order?Copy !req
1241. He had the special.Copy !req
1242. That's what I ordered.
Change my order
to the soup.Copy !req
1243. Good move.Copy !req
1244. Oh, no. Not again!Copy !req
1245. Hello, my baby
Hello, my honeyCopy !req
1246. Hello, my ragtime galCopy !req
1247. Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart's on fireCopy !req
1248. If you refuse me,
Honey, you'll lose meCopy !req
1249. Then you'll be
left aloneCopy !req
1250. Oh, baby,
telephone and tell me
I'm your ownCopy !req
1251. Check, please.Copy !req
1252. Five minutes
to magic time.Copy !req
1253. Are you all right,
my dear? You look
a little flighty.Copy !req
1254. Don't worry about me, Father.
I'm completely over him.Copy !req
1255. Didn't even stay
for the wedding.Copy !req
1256. Just grabbed
his million space bucks
and ran.Copy !req
1257. He didn't
take the million.Copy !req
1258. He didn't?Copy !req
1259. No. He just took
248 space bucks for lunch,
gas and tolls.Copy !req
1260. I still can't believe
you turned down the money.Copy !req
1261. At least we could have
stayed for the wedding feast.
I'm starving.Copy !req
1262. Have you got
anything to eat?Copy !req
1263. Wait a minute.
Yogurt gave me
that fortune cookie.Copy !req
1264. Here, chow down.Copy !req
1265. Wow, thanks.
I'll split it
with you.Copy !req
1266. No.
Okay.Copy !req
1267. Yogurt!Copy !req
1268. Hello, boys.Copy !req
1269. Well, you opened
your fortune cookie,
so here's your fortune.Copy !req
1270. Lone Starr, you know
that medallion that
you wear around your neckCopy !req
1271. but you don't know
what it means?Copy !req
1272. Here's what it means.
It's a royal
birth certificate.Copy !req
1273. Yes! Your father was a king.
Your mother was a queen.Copy !req
1274. Which makes you
a certified prince.Copy !req
1275. Hey, I'm a prince!Copy !req
1276. I'm a prince.
Which means...Copy !req
1277. Which means, if you hurry,
there could be
a princess in your future.Copy !req
1278. If you want to get back there
before she marries
Sleeping Beauty,Copy !req
1279. there's a special can of fuel
in your glove compartment.Copy !req
1280. Good luck, boys.Copy !req
1281. Bye, Yogurt.Copy !req
1282. And, Yogurt, thanks.Copy !req
1283. You're welcome.Copy !req
1284. And may the Schwartz
be with you!Copy !req
1285. Barf, open that
glove compartment.Copy !req
1286. You got it,
Your Highness.Copy !req
1287. Wow! Liquid Schwartz!Copy !req
1288. Quick, pour it
in the emergency tank.Copy !req
1289. Right.Copy !req
1290. Look at that.Copy !req
1291. Done!Copy !req
1292. Hang on, Barf,
we're gonna
make spacetracks.Copy !req
1293. Dear me, what are
those things
coming out of her nose?Copy !req
1294. Hey, watch my helmet.Copy !req
1295. Spaceballs?Copy !req
1296. Oh, shit.
There goes the planet.Copy !req
1297. Dearly beloved,
we are gathered
here togetherCopy !req
1298. again.Copy !req
1299. Why didn't you tell me
he didn't take the money?Copy !req
1300. I didn't think
it was important.Copy !req
1301. May I continue,
please?Copy !req
1302. Besides, he asked me
not to tell you.Copy !req
1303. Thank you.Copy !req
1304. To join Princess Vespa
and Princess Valium...Copy !req
1305. I'm sorry,
it's the hair.Copy !req
1306. Prince Valium
in the bonds
of holy matrimony.Copy !req
1307. I see it all now.
Don't you see?
He loves me!Copy !req
1308. I'm trying to conduct
a wedding here,Copy !req
1309. which has nothing
to do with love.Copy !req
1310. Please be quiet.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
1311. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1312. I'm sorry, too.Copy !req
1313. Don't be sorry.
Be quiet!Copy !req
1314. I'm sorry!Copy !req
1315. To join Princess Vespa
and Prince ValiumCopy !req
1316. in the bonds of holyCopy !req
1317. moly!Copy !req
1318. Matrimony.Copy !req
1319. That's him!
I know it's him.
He's come back.Copy !req
1320. That's it! I'm gonna
take no more chances.
We're doing the short version.Copy !req
1321. Prince Valium, do you take
Princess Vespa to be
your lawfully wedded wife?Copy !req
1322. Princess Vespa, do you take
Prince Valium to be your
lawfully wedded husband?Copy !req
1323. Well, I suppose.Copy !req
1324. Well...
Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
1325. No! She doesn't!Copy !req
1326. What?Copy !req
1327. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
1328. Prince Lone Starr.Copy !req
1329. Prince?Copy !req
1330. I just found out.
That's what this says.Copy !req
1331. I'm an honest to God prince.Copy !req
1332. Will you marry me?Copy !req
1333. Well, let me
think about it.Copy !req
1334. Yes.Copy !req
1335. I'm sick of this.Copy !req
1336. I don't give a damn
who it is, but I'm gonna
marry somebody today!Copy !req
1337. Who are you?
I'm the best man.Copy !req
1338. What's your name?
Barf.Copy !req
1339. Your full name.Copy !req
1340. Barfolomew.Copy !req
1341. Are you the one
that's getting married?Copy !req
1342. No.Copy !req
1343. Then get over there!Copy !req
1344. Okay, here we go.
The short, short version.Copy !req
1345. Do you?
Yes.Copy !req
1346. Do you?
Yes!Copy !req
1347. Good. You're married.
Kiss her.Copy !req
1348. I love you.Copy !req
1349. I love you.Copy !req
1350. Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm.Copy !req
1351. If you're livin' in a bubble
and you haven't got a careCopy !req
1352. Well, you're gonna
be in troubleCopy !req
1353. 'Cause we're gonna
steal your airCopy !req
1354. 'Cause what you got
is what we needCopy !req
1355. And all we do
is dirty deedsCopy !req
1356. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1357. Watch out!Copy !req
1358. 'Cause we're
the SpaceballsCopy !req
1359. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1360. Hey,
don't mess aroundCopy !req
1361. With the SpaceballsCopy !req
1362. Going cruising
in a spaceshipCopy !req
1363. We're so good at being badCopy !req
1364. We'll destroy
your little planet
if you ever get us madCopy !req
1365. We're mothers of the galaxyCopy !req
1366. You better scatter
when you seeCopy !req
1367. The Spaceballs!Copy !req
1368. Watch out!Copy !req
1369. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1370. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1371. Say what?
Don't mess aroundCopy !req
1372. With the SpaceballsCopy !req
1373. Watch out!Copy !req
1374. We're mothers of the galaxyCopy !req
1375. We're gonna take
the air you breatheCopy !req
1376. Oh, Spaceballs!Copy !req
1377. Watch out!Copy !req
1378. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1379. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1380. Don't mess around
with the SpaceballsCopy !req
1381. Duck!
Watch out!Copy !req
1382. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1383. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1384. Don't mess around
with the SpaceballsCopy !req
1385. Watch out!Copy !req
1386. We've got
a bossin' little shipCopy !req
1387. So you better
watch your lipCopy !req
1388. 'Cause we're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1389. Watch out!Copy !req
1390. You may think
that you are badCopy !req
1391. But believe you can be hadCopy !req
1392. By the SpaceballsCopy !req
1393. Watch out!Copy !req
1394. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1395. Watch out!Copy !req
1396. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1397. We're the masters of spaceCopy !req
1398. Don't mess around
with the SpaceballsCopy !req
1399. We're so bad and meanCopy !req
1400. We make nightmares
out of dreamsCopy !req
1401. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1402. We're the SpaceballsCopy !req
1403. You betterCopy !req
1404. Watch out!Copy !req