South Park: (Not Suitable For Children) (2023)

1. Cred has more electrolytes

2. than Gatorade or Prime.

3. And now Cred has a new flavor: Cherry Bubblegum.

4. Eric, do you really need to bring three bottles

5. of that drink to school?

6. Mom, a kid today is defined by their hydration drink.

7. I have to have more Cred than anyone else.

8. Yeah, but it's, like, seriously,

9. look at how it's suddenly everybody now.

10. Like that Spencer Hollis kid.

11. He never even cared about Cred,

12. he just drinks it 'cause some stupid influencer

13. said it's cool now.

14. Hey, hey, Clyde, where's your Cred?

15. Oh, um, it's in my... I-I already drank it.

16. See? That's what I'm talking about.

17. Clyde likes Cred so much that he drank all his before noon.

18. That's a real Cred drinker.

19. Unlike all the poser Cred drinkers

20. like Spencer Hollis!

21. Fuck you.

22. Fuck you, Spencer, you're a fucking poser!

23. It's literally everywhere now.

24. These crazy hydration drinks that say they're healthy,

25. but are loaded with fake sugars and not safe for children.

26. Why now? Why are kids suddenly so into these things?

27. Online influencers.

28. They promote this stuff to kids to make money.

29. I don't know what kind of scumbags would push adult things

30. - on something they know kids will watch.

31. You guys, we have a big problem.

32. - What is it? - It's about the South Park

33. elementary art teacher.

34. Mrs. Streibel? What about her?

35. We just found out that she's been...

36. doing pornographic videos on OnlyFans.

37. - Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

38. There's gonna be a big meeting tonight,

39. and everybody's gonna see it.

40. Everyone, let's try to be civil here.

41. Be civil? How are we supposed to go home

42. and explain to our children that their art teacher is a slut?

43. She is not a slut.

44. Mrs. Streibel is a woman engaging in a legal activity

45. on a website that is for adults only.

46. Of course kids are gonna see it.

47. - They see everything on the Internet.

48. Well, the problem is you guys buy your kids phones, okay?

49. Just like you buy them all these unhealthy hydration drinks.

50. Oh, don't turn this around on us.

51. We can't control what our kids drink

52. or what they watch.

53. They're your kids.

54. Many teachers are struggling to get by

55. and need ways to supplement their income.

56. Mrs. Streibel makes close to minimum wage as a teacher,

57. but on OnlyFans, she makes an extra $10,000 a week.

58. It doesn't matter how much she made,

59. we're talking about someone who influences our children.

60. Did she say $10,000 a week?

61. Listen, we have suspended

62. Mrs. Streibel indefinitely, okay?

63. But over the next few days,

64. you should probably talk to your kids

65. about what they might have seen, m'kay.

66. Uh, hey, Clyde, w-why don't you come over here and have a seat?

67. What?

68. Uh, have a seat, pal. We need to talk to you.

69. Clyde...

70. we're understanding that some tough things

71. have been going on at school.

72. Yes. Yes, they have.

73. All right, well, we know that some of the stuff

74. you're dealing with might be kind of disturbing.

75. Yes, it's totally disturbing, yes.

76. All right, Clyde, well, we want to try and help you.

77. Really? You do?

78. Oh, thank God. Finally.

79. Yeah, pal, let-let me explain to you

80. what "double penetration" is.

81. Double penetration?

82. See, in your art teacher's OnlyFans page,

83. her and two men, who love each other very much,

84. wanted to express that love...

85. Dad, nobody cares about double penetration.

86. My life at school is awful because you don't let me drink

87. hydrating sports drinks like all the other kids.

88. Clyde, we've told you, those things are filled

89. with additives and fake sugar,

90. and they're not good for children.

91. You're not even my real mom, Janice,

92. so why don't you shut the fuck up?

93. Clyde, that's enough.

94. Every other kid at school is allowed to have it.

95. They all have Cred, but I have zero Cred

96. because my dad and his stupid girlfriend

97. think it's bad for me.

98. Why do you want to be like all the other kids?

99. Shut up, Janice, you're not my mom!

100. All right, Clyde, we're trying to have a nice talk with you

101. about double penetration,

102. and you can just go to your room now.

103. Fine!

104. Thanks a lot for making sure your son

105. is the only kid in school without any Cred!

106. It's like nobody understands me, you know?

107. Like, all these stupid boomers and people over 40

108. don't know how hard it is for young people.

109. - Yeah. - Like, yo, if you guys

110. feel the same way, just leave a comment down below

111. and smash that like button.

112. You know, the most important thing is just to be yourself.

113. And when I feel like I can't be myself,

114. that's when I need a hydration drink that'll pick me up.

115. - That's when I need Cred.

116. It's the coolest sports drink in the world.

117. Cred is 100% sugar-free.

118. Cred has electrolytes so you can ride your bike.

119. And also, Cred has more vitamin A

120. than your body could possibly ever use.

121. I can't feel my face.

122. Drink Cred or you're a piece of shit.

123. Drink Cred at your school today.

124. Hey, guys, I know there's a lot of influencers out there

125. trying to get your attention.

126. And I just hope that you'll maybe take a moment

127. to check out what I have to say here on My OnlyFans page.

128. I hope you're all doing great, and if you're watching this PPV,

129. I hope you'll consider subscribing.

130. If you want me to give a shout-out

131. for your social media, I can do that.

132. And if you want a custom, just let me know

133. if there's anything special you want to see.

134. - What the fuck are you doing? - Oh! Hey, Sharon,

135. just supplementing my income.

136. Are you serious right now?

137. All right, all right, Sharon, yes,

138. I am an OnlyFans model.

139. And I'm not ashamed of it.

140. Goddamn it, Randy.

141. What is with all the stigma Americans have anyway, huh?

142. It's just my penis, Sharon. It's not a big deal.

143. No, it's definitely not a big deal.

144. Okay, good. Thank you.

145. All I'm doing is taking back control

146. of my sexuality on a platform

147. that I can benefit from financially.

148. So you're just gonna sit here and jack off

149. for four hours a week just to make a few extra dollars?

150. I jack off two hours a week anyways.

151. Now I just do it a little bit more

152. and make enough money to pay for the increase in gas prices.

153. If your children find out about this,

154. they are going to leave home.

155. Children aren't allowed on OnlyFans, Sharon.

156. It's totally safe.

157. Kids aren't gonna see this.

158. Hey, Butters, Tweek, you guys got a second?

159. - For what? - Okay, you know how, like,

160. some kids in this school really like Cred

161. and others just pretend to,

162. but really they're posers like Spencer Hollis?

163. Well, I think we should start a Cred affinity group.

164. What's an affinity group?

165. It's where you, like, divide people into groups

166. and single them out in order to make other people feel bad.

167. See, it's like we're the legit Cred drinkers,

168. and we should just let the very coolest kids

169. into our affinity group.

170. Oh, hey, Clyde.

171. - Where's your Cred? - Oh, it's just, uh...

172. - it's, uh, in my backpack again. - Oh, that's cool.

173. You guys think we should let Clyde into our affinity group?

174. Yeah, I like Clyde.

175. Oh, hey, Stan. Do you want to be in our affinity group?

176. - What's an affinity group? - It's like where people separate

177. into little clubs by, like, skin color or religious beliefs

178. and talk about how much better they are than everyone else.

179. Usually, white people can't be in an affinity group,

180. but it's for a drink, so they have to let us.

181. That's not what an affinity group is.

182. Uh, yeah, well, no one's inviting you, Kyle.

183. 'Cause it looks like you don't even have any Cred.

184. Yeah, I do, it's in my backpack.

185. Oh, sure, it's in his backpack, guys.

186. Yeah, let's see it, then.

187. It's right here. We drink way more Cred than you guys do.

188. Oh, yeah, right. Tweek drinks four bottles of Cred

189. - for breakfast.

190. I don't want to be a part of any affinity group.

191. It just sounds like trouble.

192. Yeah, well, we don't want you.

193. 'Cause you just pretend to like Cred

194. 'cause it's a fad right now

195. like all the other lame-o's in this school.

196. Hey, guys.

197. Hey, Clyde, you got a sec?

198. - For what? - I was just gonna talk to you about your backpack.

199. - W-What about my backpack? - Well, it's just...

200. You know, it's really best to have a backpack

201. that's got a water bottle pouch to put your Cred in.

202. See, like, see how y-you can see, like,

203. you can see my Cred bottle from the outside?

204. You just go like this, and everyone-everyone

205. can see your Cred? You're just like,

206. "Oh, hey, what's going on?

207. "Oh, yeah, sweet, check out my Cred.

208. It's, like, right here."

209. Um, well, I-I don't think

210. I can get a new backpack till my birthday.

211. Well, maybe just, like, use some tape or something

212. to make your own bottle pouch?

213. You know, we definitely don't want you to look

214. like you don't have any Cred.

215. All right, see you in class, brah.

216. Hey, Sharon. Can we talk?

217. I feel like there's a lot bad things going on

218. in the world, and it gets so confusing sometimes, you know?

219. I think, as Americans, we watch news about things happening

220. in the Middle East and we just don't want to get involved.

221. And I know it can feel like "What can I do?

222. I'm not special, how could I ever make a difference?"

223. But we can't let ourselves think like that.

224. Sometimes what it takes

225. is just one person to start a movement.

226. One person, and then everyone else might follow.

227. I am not subscribing to your OnlyFans page, Randy.

228. Okay, well, you're a cunt.

229. Yeah, that looks good.

230. Maybe a little higher on your side, Butters.

231. Yeah, that's great. I think everyone can see that now.

232. That should definitely make people feel unwelcome.

233. Hey.

234. Hey...

235. What's goin' on?

236. So... are you, like, selling Cred?

237. What? Selling hydration drinks on school grounds

238. is against the rules.

239. Come here, come here.

240. What the— Hey, what are you— What the hell are you doing?

241. If you're wearing a wire, I will kick your ass.

242. Bro, I'm not wearing a wire! Do you have Cred or not?

243. Sure, I got Cred. What are ya looking for?

244. A little... Watermelon Strawberry?

245. No, no, do you have any ones

246. that don't taste like total ass?

247. Oh, you want the good shit.

248. I got your Bubblegum Grape right here.

249. Okay, how much?

250. Eighty bucks.

251. $80? For a shitty fake-sugar drink?

252. What do you think I'm runnin' here,

253. a fucking charity for the homeless?

254. How about some Oatmeal Nummy Nums?

255. I can get you into that for $65.

256. I don't have $65. What can I get for three bucks?

257. Three bucks? Oh, sure.

258. For that, you can get an empty Cred bottle.

259. - What good is that gonna do me? - It's easy.

260. You just fill your empty bottle with water,

261. add a little food coloring.

262. Everyone thinks you got Cred when you actually have no Cred.

263. I'm not giving you three dollars for just plastic garbage!

264. Cool thing, man.

265. You just go back into the school without any Cred at all.

266. See how long you last.

267. Here!

268. Hey, guys, it's your boy Randy,

269. and in this video we're doing authentic pad Thai

270. for under $6.

271. Now we're gonna start with some medium shrimp

272. and some rice noodles.

273. For the wet ingredients, we're looking at a couple eggs,

274. some fish and also soy sauce.

275. And then for garnish, we're gonna do a little cilantro,

276. green onion, and then of course,

277. we're gonna top that all off with some fresh nuts.

278. Those nuts are gonna give it that extra bite.

279. Now, if you like what you're seeing

280. be sure to smash that subscribe button.

281. - And— - Get your balls off the table!

282. Oh, oh, great Sharon you just ruined the shot!

283. The guys at the deli wanted me to say hi, Randy.

284. They all saw you on OnlyFans.

285. Really? Are they gonna subscribe?

286. No, they're not going to subscribe.

287. Nobody's going to subscribe, Randy.

288. Will you fucking stop?

289. This stuff takes time!

290. You don't just put up a page and immediately get followers.

291. You have to support it with other social media,

292. have a craft to teach...

293. Being an influencer takes time, Sharon!

294. Oh, so now you're an influencer?

295. Yes! I'm an influencer.

296. Maybe you should see how it feels, Randy.

297. Maybe I should go and do my own OnlyFans.

298. What? What?

299. Yeah, like people are gonna pay to see your OnlyFans.

300. I'll make more than you do!

301. Sharon, being an influencer is work.

302. You got to pay for the lighting, for the sound,

303. you got to be good at editing!

304. Okay. Cool, Randy.

305. I'm gonna go start an OnlyFans channel.

306. Ok-okay. Okay, you go do that, Sharon!

307. I'm gonna fuckin' do it!

308. Okay, yeah, go supplement our income, Shar...

309. Sharon?

310. You got this day, bro!

311. You're strong and I'm gonna keep on making videos for you.

312. Hey, guys, we're having a Cred affinity group meeting

313. today at 4:00. Nobody's allowed but us, okay?

314. Hey, Jordan.

315. We're having a meeting today. You can't come.

316. Affinity group meeting today, Sally.

317. You're not invited.

318. Well, I think that's just about everyone.

319. Tweek, did you tell Spencer Hollis

320. he's not allowed in the affinity group?

321. Yeah. You told me to call him last night.

322. He didn't seem to care.

323. - Yeah, he cares. - Oh, there's Clyde!

324. Hey, Clyde. Look at you with your nice new backpack.

325. Oh, uh, yeah. You guys like it?

326. Yeah, it's really cool.

327. You can see your Cred now.

328. Yeah, it's really nice the way your Cred is—

329. Oh, my God! Clyde! You got Moonrise Mellow?

330. How the hell did you get a bottle of Moonrise Mellow?

331. Oh, it was just, uh, what my parents gave me today.

332. You guys, Moonrise Mellow is, like,

333. the hardest flavor to get ever.

334. - Whoa, lucky. - Yeah, hey, I'm not sharing.

335. - Hey, Stan. Hey, Stan. - No, no, dude, wait.

336. Check out what Clyde has. Moonrise Mellow.

337. That's impossible.

338. Look at their faces.

339. They're so jealous.

340. No, it's really impossible.

341. Moonrise Mellow was discontinued months ago.

342. Guess you wish now that you were in the Cred affinity group.

343. We told you guys we have better Cred than anyone at school.

344. It's probably fake.

345. Oh! Oh, you think it's fake, huh?

346. You want to fucking taste it?

347. What the fuck?

348. This is fucking apple juice. Gross!

349. - Let's see. - Hey, give it back.

350. Yeah, it's apple juice. You guys are posers.

351. We're not posers!

352. Hey, guys. Cred affinity group uses fake Cred.

353. What the fuck?

354. What the fuck have you done, Clyde?

355. I'm sorry, okay?

356. Oh, he's sorry.

357. He faked having Cred, but he's sorry!

358. All right, look, my parents won't let me drink Cred, okay?

359. They think it's bad for me.

360. So you never had Cred?

361. No.

362. Oh, my God!

363. We all said you had Cred in your backpack, Clyde.

364. We fucking backed you!

365. What the hell are we gonna do?

366. Why do you guys care?

367. I'm the one who doesn't have any Cred!

368. That's not how it works, man!

369. If you don't have Cred, then everyone around you

370. loses all their Cred.

371. We're dead. We're fuckin' dead.

372. Word is gonna spread through the school

373. that our affinity group has no Cred

374. and then we're gonna—

375. How could you do this to us, Clyde?

376. I'm sorry. It was all the pressure.

377. I never even wanted to be in an affinity group.

378. Now I'm doomed!

379. Ooh... oh. Oh, yeah.

380. - You like that, guys? - Oh, my God.

381. - Oh... Oh, God. - Oh, my God. She did it.

382. - Mm... Oh, yeah. - She actually did it.

383. - She actually got more subscribers than me. - Ooh, yeah, guys.

384. Oh, yeah.

385. Just let me know if there's anything special

386. you'd like to see, guys.

387. - 3,100 subscribers. - Ooh...

388. - Oh, oh, yeah... - How is that possible?

389. I mean, look at that, the lighting sucks.

390. The sound keeps clipping

391. like she got a microphone at Walmart or something.

392. And who's that guy? He's blocking half the shot.

393. - Oh, oh, ooh... - This is total amateur hour!

394. Thanks for calling OnlyFans customer support.

395. How can I help you?

396. Yeah, I just found out that my wife has

397. an OnlyFans page,

398. and in one day she has more subscribers than me.

399. I'm starting to think this whole thing is rigged.

400. Well, it is slightly easier

401. for our female content creators to find an audience.

402. Look, my wife can't become a bigger influencer than me.

403. I'll never hear the end of it.

404. Well, sir, have you been trying

405. the pointers we discussed to reach a larger audience?

406. Yes! I added a skill.

407. I'm advertising my OnlyFans page with TikTok and Instagram.

408. What about optimizing your algorithm?

409. Oh, um, how do I do that?

410. No, no, no. Not with your penis.

411. See, what a lot of influencers will do is

412. they talk about things and show things in their videos

413. that are trending.

414. Then you can hashtag that,

415. and the search engines will think your content is trending.

416. So I... add stuff to my videos that's popular,

417. and people will accidentally go to my page

418. trying to search for that popular thing.

419. Exactly.

420. That's perfect!

421. But what's trending most on the Internet right now?

422. Oh, hey there, Clyde. How was school?

423. You want to know how school was?

424. It fucking sucked!

425. All I wanted was to have a little bit of Cred at school,

426. but now I've destroyed it and everyone hates me!

427. Oh, Clyde, we're always trying to do what's best for you.

428. And you shut the fuck up, Janice!

429. - You are not my mom. - Clyde!

430. I seriously can't stand how stupid people are sometimes.

431. That's why I do all my pranks and stuff.

432. Sometimes it's impossible to stay positive

433. when everyone sucks so hard.

434. If you like what I'm saying in this video,

435. smash that like button down below.

436. You know, the thing is,

437. when you really feel the most down,

438. that's when you got to fight the hardest, you know?

439. I'm gonna give you 10 tips to being tougher.

440. But first I want to give a shout-out to our sponsor

441. Cred hydration drinks!

442. Cred gives you all the energy you need!

443. And now Cred has an all-new exclusive flavor.

444. Introducing new Mega Cred.

445. It's a super limited edition

446. only available to a select few.

447. And Cred's doing a big giveaway

448. and maybe these super limited edition bottles can be yours.

449. So I looked it up,

450. and there's this drink called Cred

451. that's the most searched thing on the internet.

452. I figured if I can get my hands

453. on some of the more hard to get bottles

454. and put them in my videos, maybe I'll get more traffic.

455. Everyone says maybe you can help me.

456. Cred? What's Cred? Never heard of it.

457. Okay, look, I'm not wearing a wire.

458. You want to see?

459. No, no, I don't want to see! What the hell is wrong with you?

460. I'm looking for a lot of Cred.

461. Maybe I can even get them

462. to eventually sponsor my adult web channel.

463. Oh, okay. Then you'll want

464. some of the harder stuff that's marketed

465. for adults only.

466. Like maybe... Peppa Pig Peppermint.

467. That doesn't sound like it's marketed for adults.

468. Oh, well, maybe you want to try the I'm a Big Boy Blueberry.

469. All right, look, just— How much for the whole bag?

470. You want my whole bag of Cred?

471. I want you to supply me

472. with every bottle of Cred you can find.

473. I have to have more subscribers than my wife.

474. Eric, sweetie, are you feeling any better?

475. No, Mom, I'm dying.

476. I've been completely discredited.

477. Eric, everything is going to be okay at school tomorrow.

478. It's too late.

479. I've already stepped down as founder and chairman

480. of my own affinity group.

481. You'll find my letter of resignation on the nightstand.

482. I'm choosing to step down

483. before all those sick bastards at school try and force me out.

484. Well, you need to sit up for just a minute.

485. Your little friend Clyde wants to talk to you.

486. Clyde? No, no, no, no, no. Do not let— Mom!

487. Do not let Clyde in my— Aw, goddamn it.

488. What do you guys want?

489. Eric, Clyde has an idea that might save our Cred.

490. Nothing is going to save our Cred, you boners.

491. Will you just listen?

492. My influencer said there's gonna be a big Cred promotion

493. at a CVS in Pueblo.

494. A promotion, great.

495. They're gonna sell a very limited quantity

496. of an all-new Cred that nobody's even tried yet.

497. So we could ditch school,

498. find a way to get to Pueblo

499. and come back with a Cred nobody else can even get.

500. We'd have our Cred back.

501. We followed Clyde before, you guys,

502. and it cost us everything.

503. Look, 50 cases of Cred,

504. only available tomorrow 200 miles away

505. and then not available for another six months.

506. It's called Mega Cred.

507. All right, you son of a bitch.

508. Maybe our affinity group isn't dead just yet.

509. Hey, what up, guys? It's your boy Randy.

510. In this video, I'm gonna be trying out

511. six different flavors of the newest sports drink.

512. As you can see, I've got lots of Cred. Do you like Cred?

513. If so, leave a comment down below,

514. and maybe smash that like button.

515. Okay, we're gonna start with Summer Popsicle.

516. I guess it's pretty popular.

517. Smells okay. Let's see how good it is.

518. Ooh. Oh, okay, yeah.

519. That one's kind of fizzy.

520. K-Kind of fizzy, but more on the penis

521. than it is on them balls.

522. Yeah, this is really nice.

523. Oh. Oh, yeah, it looks good.

524. Yeah, looks delicious. Oishii.

525. Hey If you're liking the content, be sure to subscribe.

526. Really helps the channel out.

527. Let's move on to another flavor now.

528. This one's called Purple Snow Globe.

529. Let's see how it tastes.

530. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.

531. Oh?

532. Oh, my God!

533. Hey, Sharon!

534. Sharon, you got to see this!

535. Oh, there you are, Sharon.

536. Been out shopping with all the money you made on OnlyFans?

537. I'm ready to stop whenever you are.

538. Oh, ho! Yeah, I don't think so, Sharon.

539. I just had a video on TikTok with 1,000 views

540. and a video on Meta with 2,000!

541. That's gonna drive all the subscribers to my OnlyFans page.

542. You said my penis wasn't a big deal, and now look!

543. What are you doing to that Cred bottle?

544. Oh, that's just a little trend jumping.

545. Randy, you know who drinks Cred, right? Children!

546. No, it's not even suitable for children.

547. Okay, this has to stop, Randy.

548. The only views you're getting on TikTok and Meta are from kids!

549. That's not what the data shows, Sharon.

550. According to Meta and TikTok,

551. their audience is predominately people

552. over the age of 22.

553. That means it's not kids who care about Cred,

554. it's adults who want to see my dick.

555. Randy, please. Let's just call it a tie, okay?

556. Oh, I bet you'd love that now.

557. Now that my OnlyFans is about to be bigger than yours.

558. I'm gonna beat your ass, honey!

559. Oh, Jesus, now it looks like they're doing

560. a two-bottle max per person.

561. O-Okay, so two bottles each. That means we'll have eight.

562. - Is that enough Cred? - Oh, my God.

563. No!

564. We want Cred! We want Cred!

565. We want Cred! We want Cred!

566. Dude, there's like 2,000 kids here.

567. Don't these losers have anything better to do

568. than fight over a shitty drink?

569. Come on, we gotta make our way to the front.

570. Tom, I'm standing outside the CVS in Pueblo

571. where thousands of children have shown up to get some Cred.

572. The fake sugar hydration drink

573. is considered not suitable for children

574. and yet kids are literally fighting

575. to get their hands on this limited edition.

576. I'll be covering the whole thing live here on my OnlyFans page.

577. Just DM me if there's anything custom you'd like to see.

578. Dude, this is fucking crazy!

579. There's never gonna be enough Cred for everybody!

580. Oh, my God. No. No!

581. It's fucking Spencer Hollis.

582. Hey, stop pushing, kid.

583. What's he doing here, that dirty son a bitch?

584. He fucking ditched school to come get Cred

585. and he doesn't even like it! He's a fucking poser!

586. We want Cred! We want Cred! We want Cred!

587. The delivery truck!

588. Ah!

589. - Ah! Get away! - Give me Cred!

590. You're all a bunch of animals! Ah!

591. Cred! Give me the Cred!

592. I got to have Cred!

593. We want Cred! We want Cred!

594. Okay, go, go, go!

595. Okay, okay, it's here, you bastards.

596. - Come in and— Ah! - I was here—

597. Tweek's not gonna make it, you guys.

598. - Where is it? - Where's the Cred?

599. It's over there!

600. Give me Cred!

601. Me first! Me first!

602. Give me the Cred!

603. Ah! Ah!

604. There's some, right there! Ah!

605. It's gone! It's all gone!

606. Mom!

607. Spencer?

608. Start the car! Start the car!

609. Jesus Christ!

610. Start the fucking car, Mom!

611. Spencer's getting away with the Cred!

612. No!

613. Well, these are extremely impressive numbers.

614. It looks like your content's getting a lot of views online.

615. Yeah, thanks.

616. But you see, what I'm trying to learn now

617. is how to take all the views I'm getting

618. on like Instagram and stuff and use them

619. to make myself bigger.

620. Well, we can help you with that.

621. You know, to really succeed,

622. you gotta ask yourself:

623. What is it that you want to achieve as an influencer?

624. Well, what I really want to do

625. is beat my wife.

626. You want to beat your wife?

627. I mean, don't we all?

628. I-I don't understand,

629. you want to beat your wife on Instagram?

630. I want to beat her on Instagram,

631. I want to beat her on TikTok,

632. but mostly I want to beat the shit out of her on OnlyFans

633. and make a lot of money doing it.

634. Hmm. Okay, well, if you can get the kids to watch

635. then we can find you a sponsor.

636. Organizations will do anything to reach kids these days.

637. Oh, yeah, yeah, but, see, my content

638. actually isn't suitable for children.

639. Right. I mean, the data shows

640. kids aren't the main audience for any of this stuff, right?

641. - Right. - Right.

642. Mr. Marsh, the thing is, a sponsor not only gets you cash

643. but they also help you push that algorithm

644. so that their message is heard through you.

645. Oh, really?

646. Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of companies

647. that want to pay you to show your videos to "not kids."

648. But what we want to do is get these sponsors

649. to bid against each other for your audience.

650. That's when you become a big influencer.

651. And then you can beat your wife as much as you want.

652. Wow.

653. There's nothing.

654. Just two more broken Cred bottles.

655. And a couple of cans of SpaghettiOs.

656. I don't think I can go back.

657. Go back to what?

658. Spencer Hollis has all the Cred now.

659. Tomorrow, he'll start his own affinity group

660. and not let any of us in.

661. Don't you guys think this is all fucked up?

662. Yeah, fucked up 'cause of you.

663. No, I mean what they're doing to us.

664. Look at this. My influencer told me to come down here.

665. He knew there wasn't gonna be enough Cred for everyone.

666. It's like— It's like they wanted to create

667. this false scarcity. Give all us kids FOMO.

668. If anyone's a FOMO, Clyde, it's you.

669. You guys aren't listening. We've been manipulated.

670. If kids are willing to fight and die over this,

671. then what else would they be willing to fight and die over?

672. Nobody in school cared about hydration drinks

673. three weeks ago.

674. My influencer convinced me to come down here.

675. What else is he convincing me to do?

676. So, maybe if we find your influencer,

677. then he can give us Cred?

678. No!

679. No, no, no. I like your angle, Clyde.

680. Maybe this whole thing is a sham.

681. If we can make the whole thing look stupid,

682. then we make a Cred affinity group look stupid.

683. Then Spencer Hollis will have nothing to keep us out of.

684. I just know there's more to all this than we think.

685. I know what town my influencer lives in.

686. I want some goddamn answers.

687. Tweek, Butters,

688. gather up all the Pop-Tarts and SpaghettiOs you can.

689. We move out at oh-ninety-two-hundred.

690. Can I help you?

691. Yeah, hi, I'm a big influencer?

692. My agent sent me here to find a sponsor?

693. - Name. - Uh, Randy Marsh?

694. It's with five Rs because there was already

695. a Randy Marsh on TikTok.

696. Put this around your neck. Through that door

697. and wait with the other influencers.

698. Oh, okay, thanks.

699. Okay, influencers, follow me,

700. stand in a straight line and step forward

701. when your number is called.

702. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

703. We have some incredible influencers available today.

704. They are all complete freelancers

705. and looking for sponsors.

706. First off, we have influencer number 394

707. This is BlinkyBlankyGirl.

708. She has over 10,000 views on Instagram,

709. 6,800 on TikTok

710. and is up-and-coming on Meta and X.

711. Who would like to own this influencer?

712. We'll start the bidding at 20. 20, do I hear 20?

713. There's 20. Do I hear 25, 25?

714. Let's hear 25, 25, 30.

715. 25 from Mattel Toys.

716. Mattel Toys now the highest bidder at 25.

717. 25, who's gonna go for 30? 30, 30.

718. 30! 30 from Lunchables! Let's go 50.

719. 50 now, who wants the influencer?

720. - 50, 50. - 100!

721. 100! 100 from the Chinese government! Can we go 150?

722. 150?

723. 150, 150, yes!

724. Stoli Vodka at 150.

725. 150, the current bid from Stoli Vodka.

726. What about you, Build-A-Bear?

727. Do we hear from Build-A-Bear?

728. 160! 160 from the NRA, outbidding Stoli Vodka.

729. Who wants to influence the youngins more?

730. 170 from Voices for Ukraine.

731. Don't let them outbid you, Russia.

732. No? Chinese government? No?

733. Sold to Voices for Ukraine. Thank you.

734. I don't understand what happened.

735. Just keep making your stupid videos,

736. they'll tell you what to say.

737. Okay, next up we have influencer number 226.

738. This is Kevinlovesoranges.

739. Over six million views on TikTok, 4,600 on Instagram

740. and a small following on X and Meta.

741. Who wants Kevinlovesoranges to push their agenda?

742. We'll start at 40, 40. China in at 40, China at 40.

743. Who's gonna go 50? Russia with 50.

744. 55, 60, Big Pharma at 60.

745. 60. Kellogg's Cereal.

746. Ravenclaw Casinos.

747. Influence the children.

748. Can I hear 70? Last call for 70.

749. Sold to the Canadian government, congratulations.

750. Our next influencer, number 427.

751. This is Randy Marrrrrsh.

752. We'll start the bidding at 50. 50, do I hear 50? 50?

753. 50? No? Come on, Mattel Toys. Let's hear from you.

754. How about 40? 40?

755. How about 40, let's do 40?

756. Freeze! Nobody move!

757. Up here! He's up here!

758. Are you Randy Marrrrrsh?

759. - Yeah? - All right, we got him.

760. Hands behind your back.

761. Me? I didn't do anything.

762. I'm just trying to beat my wife.

763. On your knees! Hands behind your back now!

764. Hello? Logan LaDouche?

765. - Hello? We know you're in there.

766. Go away. I'm in enough trouble as it is.

767. Look, dude, we just want to talk to you, okay?

768. No, not okay. I'm in hiding.

769. How did you guys find me?

770. Dude, if you're in hiding, you shouldn't probably post

771. videos of yourself at the motel you're hiding in.

772. Shit. Shit, I just can't help myself.

773. Brah, we need to know the truth about Cred.

774. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to cause a riot.

775. Did Cred want us all to kill each other?

776. If you found me, then so can they. Just go.

777. Okay, okay, fine, Mr. Influencer,

778. we'll leave.

779. - Yeah. What the fuck are you doing?

780. Where's the Cred? You got some Cred?

781. Butters, Butters, calm down.

782. They're gonna take me out, man.

783. I should just turn myself in. I'll be safer in jail.

784. Listen, dude, I went to Pueblo 'cause of you.

785. Why did you tell us we could get Mega Cred

786. when you knew there wasn't enough?

787. Brah, I don't even drink that crap.

788. Don't you get it, man?

789. I'm just this tiny little piece of a very big lie.

790. You guys are all being manipulated.

791. I trusted you. I've watched all your videos,

792. and you told me to be strong and never give up.

793. That's all just Cred messing with me?

794. Don't you get it? I don't work for Cred.

795. The Cred is just there to get views, man.

796. 'Cause kids love it so much.

797. But if Cred isn't your sponsor, then-then who is?

798. If you knew, it would make you sick.

799. They just use you and Cred to get to us,

800. and those higher-up people

801. can get us some limited-edition Cred?

802. - Who has the Cred? - Butters, Jesus.

803. Oh, there-there she is.

804. Hey, Sharon.

805. This is my wife, Sharon.

806. She's an OnlyFans model just like me.

807. We are both legally supplementing our income.

808. So you work with your husband, ma'am?

809. No, we have very different OnlyFans accounts.

810. I could never do what he does.

811. Thanks, honey, it's nice for you to finally admit it.

812. Now I'd like to know what I'm being detained for.

813. Exposing children to pornography,

814. soliciting nude images to a minor,

815. child endangerment...

816. Oh, come on, like it's just me?

817. Everybody's doing it.

818. There's an entire network where everyone just pretends

819. Internet platforms aren't made for children

820. but they all auction our kids to the highest bidder.

821. You seem like some kind of influencer expert.

822. Would you say these things on record?

823. No, 'cause I'm a sovereign citizen,

824. and I don't need to tell you anything.

825. - Randy, you need to cooperate. - Why?

826. I'll tell you why, scumbag.

827. Your posts drew in a lot of children,

828. and they like to copy what they see.

829. So then kids started creating their own erotic content

830. based on yours.

831. - What? - That's right.

832. We've just found sexuality explicit,

833. pornographic images of minors.

834. I warn you, what you are about to see

835. is extremely disturbing and graphic.

836. Oh, God. Ugh.

837. Oh, don't close your eyes now.

838. You think these miners deserved to be treated like this?

839. What have I done? I had no idea.

840. Randy, you knew kids were watching your content.

841. Yeah, but I never knew it would lead to...

842. pornographic images of miners.

843. God, it's disgusting.

844. Being an influencer is disgusting.

845. All right, I'm gonna tell you everything I know

846. about how the system works.

847. This has to stop.

848. Hey, what's up, guys?

849. Just wanted to let you all know that I think

850. maybe I'm gonna get killed or arrested,

851. so I'm hiding out in this motel room.

852. Be sure to like and subscribe. It really helps the channel out.

853. Dude, will you stop making videos?

854. I don't know what else to do, okay?

855. All I've ever done is make fucking videos.

856. But for who? You said it wasn't for Cred,

857. so then who sponsors you?

858. I just wanted to be a big influencer.

859. So I got put on this stage and I was auctioned off

860. to the highest bidder.

861. People will pay anything to push their agenda on you guys.

862. What, you mean, like, the Chinese government or something?

863. I'm sponsored by people worse than the Chinese government.

864. I can't tell you who they are, because then the companies

865. that run the whole system will have me killed.

866. We deserve to know who's been manipulating us.

867. Tell us the truth and we'll make sure you're safe, okay?

868. You promise?

869. Yes, we promise.

870. Fine.

871. The truth is, I'm being paid by...

872. Whoops!

873. - Okay, okay.

874. We don't care who's trying to influence us!

875. The game is up, scumbag.

876. We know about the whole operation.

877. - We know everything.

878. The influencers are being paid by organizations

879. to knowingly influence children.

880. The data shows that consumers

881. of social media platforms are predominately adults over 21.

882. Oh, come on.

883. Within tech companies, it's an open secret

884. that millions of users are actually under the age of 13.

885. Tech companies are working diligently

886. to find ways to make the Internet safer for children,

887. but these methods are often criticized

888. for violating free speech.

889. Okay, and tech companies use those assertions

890. and their endless cash to keep regulations tied up in court

891. so they can continue to profit off of our kids.

892. Okay, well, you'll never take me alive, copper.

893. He's still alive. Let's get City General out here.

894. Who do you work for? Who's trying to influence me?

895. He's just the middleman, kids.

896. Whoever was trying to influence you is still a mystery.

897. Hey, fellas, I got an idea.

898. How about we just keep our affinity group,

899. but instead of it being about Cred,

900. it's just about how proud we are of who we are.

901. No, they won't let us do that, Butters, 'cause we're white.

902. White people can't be in groups talking about

903. how proud they are, it doesn't fly.

904. Dang it.

905. Well, then, I guess we just got to accept

906. that we're gonna go to school tomorrow

907. and get totally boned.

908. Yep.

909. Hey, look, you guys. It's Cred.

910. Mr. Marsh? What are you doing with all that Cred?

911. I'm putting it where it belongs, in the garbage.

912. But that's, like, Jelly Roll Midnight Waffle House.

913. Do you know what that's worth?

914. Yeah, I know what it's worth.

915. It's worth gold to all the people in the world

916. who want to use social media to influence children.

917. But there's more to life than making money.

918. And there's more to marriage than just beating your wife.

919. The bottom line is that

920. all this social media influencer garbage

921. is not suitable for children.

922. And if you're a kid on social media,

923. you have to know that someone is always trying to get to you.

924. All you have to do is ask yourself,

925. "Who is it that wants to influence me the most?"

926. Holy shit.

927. Janice!

928. Oh, Clyde, where have you been? We've been worried sick.

929. It was you, this whole time.

930. You've been trying to influence me for months.

931. Clyde, you really should have

932. let your father know where you were...

933. You've been paying an influencer to try and reach me,

934. and you caused this whole fucking mess!

935. What is this about, Janice?

936. I don't think people understand how hard it is to be a stepmom.

937. You want to try and teach your kids,

938. but they don't listen because you're not their "real parent."

939. I just wanted to be a good influence on you, Clyde.

940. But influencing kids these days

941. requires good lighting and a quality microphone.

942. But why Cred? If you're so against it,

943. then why have it in all those videos?

944. That was just to get your views, Clyde.

945. Your views are so important to me,

946. because we never talk.

947. Maybe what I did was all a bit much,

948. but look at us.

949. Here we are, talking.

950. Janice, can I call you "Mom"?

951. Yes, of course.

952. Fuck you, Mom!

953. Oh...

954. Whoa, Spencer, is that Mega Cred?

955. Yeah, pretty cool, right?

956. "Pretty cool"? How'd you get that?

957. Oh, I just went to this thing in Pueblo. No big deal.

958. Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

959. We have something really important to tell you guys.

960. Tweek and Butters and I have learned

961. a lot of things recently.

962. We have news that you will all find shocking.

963. You see, we talked to Mr. Marsh,

964. and he gave us four bottles

965. of Jelly Roll Midnight Waffle House.

966. - No, no, no. Back up.

967. This is for the Cred affinity group only.

968. - You can look at our Cred, but don't touch. - All right!

969. Oh, oh, hey, Clyde.

970. Say, Clyde, you, uh,

971. forgot your super special Jelly Roll Cred

972. at the group meeting, remember?

973. It tastes amazing.

974. - All right!

975. Yeah! Clyde's got Cred again!