Son of the Mask (2005)

1. The Mifulu represent a fascinating example

2. of failed culture. The people of the Mifulu

3. communicated entirely in rhyme,

4. although that's actually less impressive than it sounds,

5. because their language only contained one vowel.

6. Also, if you've noticed,

7. the only artifacts we've been able to unearth

8. are primitive musical instruments.

9. The Mifulus had plenty of drums,

10. guitars, harmonicas and the like,

11. but no weapons or tools.

12. So, in essence, they had rhythm, they had music,

13. but they had no hammers and spears,

14. so they died.

15. In any case, this brings us to the final room of the tour

16. and my personal favorite-

17. The Hall of Norse Mythology.

18. This is Odin,

19. chief divinity of the entire Norse pantheon—

20. "The Allfather" as he's called—

21. and these paintings depict some of Odin's many sons.

22. That is Thor, God of Thunder,

23. with his mighty hammer.

24. And this is Balder, God of Beauty.

25. Who's that ugly guy?

26. Oh, I was just about to get to him.

27. That's Loki, Norse God of Mischief.

28. He was also known as "The Trickster."

29. As the youngest son of Odin,

30. Loki was the black sheep of the Norse mythological family.

31. His constant mischievous pranks

32. were an endless source of embarrassment

33. to his father and his siblings.

34. He was, in other words, a bratty little brother.

35. And Loki's ultimate tool of mischief was this,

36. the mask which he created

37. and tossed down to earth thousands of years ago

38. to create mayhem among the mortals. For, according to legend,

39. the wearer of the mask is imbued with the powers of Loki himself.

40. - Is that true? - No, of course not.

41. If it were, I'd be wearing it myself.

42. No, no, it's textbook mythical allegory.

43. Loki represents the "id,"

44. the suppressed parts of ourselves,

45. and the mask is the tool which unleashes the id.

46. I go into this very topic in my critically acclaimed book.

47. Now, of all the Aesir gods—

48. excuse me, sir. Please don't touch the mask display.

49. Of all the Aesir gods,

50. Loki was the only one who could shape shift—

51. change his form, even turn himself into a woman.

52. A woman? Man alive, lock up your sons and daughters

53. around that twisted piece of fruitcake, hey, Doc?

54. Well, I guess that's one way of putting it.

55. Anyway, Loki brought nothing but shame to Odin and his ilk.

56. In fact, Loki was such an unruly child

57. that Odin ultimately locked him up in chains

58. far beneath the earth.

59. He did not!

60. - Good God! - And don't you forget it!

61. Apparently, you do not agree with my theories.

62. Finally!

63. - This is a fake! - Yes, but it's a good fake.

64. Ow. Sir, that is museum property.

65. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me replace it.

66. What— what are— what are you doing?

67. Perhaps I should inform you I suffer from vertigo

68. and I have a lawyer.

69. Hello?

70. Where's my body? Come get me.

71. - Yeah. Oh yeah. - Hold it right there!

72. I don't like it here.

73. Thanks for dropping by.

74. - Dropping? - Bye.

75. Where's... my...

76. mask?

77. Who's a happy baby?

78. Who's a happy baby?

79. Aw, Clare, he's amazing. Honey, look at him.

80. They said he's very alert for his age.

81. He's going to be a genius

82. just like his brothers and sisters.

83. Little Tommy's starting Junior Mensa next week...

84. and Clancy just took his first potty poop.

85. Oh, look. Honey, he just took his first poop.

86. Good poop, Clancy!

87. Whoa, Captain Underpants,

88. watch your aim. He's gonna need those.

89. - You okay? - Yup.

90. Here. Mm-hmm.

91. So, when are you two gonna have one for yourselves?

92. Oh...

93. It's a boy.

94. And agirl!

95. - Twins? - And another boy!

96. - Girl. - Boy.

97. - Girl. - Boy.

98. Girl, boy, girl, boy...

99. Tim!

100. Whew.

101. Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

102. That was flat out embarrassing.

103. The mere mention of the word "baby" and your throat

104. seizes up like you swallowed Drano.

105. After seeing those kids,

106. Drano sounds like a good option.

107. - Honey, just think... - Yeah?

108. if we have a baby, you'll have someone you can play video games with.

109. Mm-hmm.

110. - Hey! - You'll have someone you can relate to.

111. Okay, honey, look. I know you're upset, okay?

112. - But can I ask you one question? - What?

113. Who's a fish? Who's a fish?

114. Tim, stop it. I mean it.

115. Look, babe, who's a turkey?

116. Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!

117. - I'm serious! - Who's a rabid dog?

118. Ow!

119. - Who's Hannibal the Cannibal? - Stop it.

120. Jeez, babe.

121. Okay, I'm driving— driving— driving here!

122. - Ugh. - Honey, slow down.

123. You know I can't run and apologize at the same time.

124. Come on, Tonya. I'm not saying I don't want to have a baby.

125. I'm just saying I don't want to have a baby right now.

126. So why not? Why not now?

127. - Because. - Ugh.

128. Wha— babe!

129. Tonya! Ton-ton—

130. Hey, Otis.

131. You got room in your doghouse?

132. Here you go. Here you go. Yeah!

133. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

134. Up.

135. You're good, aren't you? Now, get in the hole.

136. Tretiak's in the net for the Soviets.

137. Paul Henderson's out of the penalty box.

138. He's on the break! he shoots!

139. Oh, what a save!

140. What a comeback! Oh! Free beef jerky for everybody!

141. And the ice is being pelted with Kibbles 'n Bits.

142. What's this?

143. Now, Otis, how many times have I told you?

144. If you're gonna steal something, steal something with a little value.

145. That's what we're looking for. Get up here, come on.

146. Come here.

147. Thanks, pal. Your kissing is getting a lot better.

148. You don't want a baby right now, do you?

149. He said it.

150. Mmm.

151. LOKl!

152. Dad?

153. I-I mean, Oh, masterful Odin, is that you?

154. Have you found your mask, Loki?

155. I found a mask, but as it turns out,

156. - it was a fake. - Why are you relaxing on this beach?

157. I'm just taking a few moments reprieve from my—

158. Nonsense! That mask

159. has caused enough mischief and malfeasance among the mortals.

160. I curse the day you created that thing.

161. Why don't you just use that all-seeing eye of yours

162. - and tell me where it is? - This is your mess

163. and you will clean it up!

164. You're a god! Now start acting like one!

165. Now, find that mask

166. before I open up a can of lightning on you!

167. Do you need anything while I'm out?

168. I'm just gonna go make a baby with the neighbor.

169. - Honey, come here. - What?

170. Look! Look at all this stuff.

171. I've been trying to do this for 10 years

172. of my life, creating these shows and—

173. I just need more time.

174. Okay, I get it, okay?

175. You want your own show,

176. and I want you to have your own show.

177. You're so good!

178. But I also...

179. really, really wanna have a baby.

180. So, what do we do?

181. I want our child to be proud of us,

182. both of us.

183. And if somebody asks that child, "Hey, what does your mommy do?"

184. He's gonna say, "Oh, she's the managing director of Apt Apparel."

185. They'll say, "Cool." When they say, "What does your daddy do?"

186. They'll say, "He's a— he's a—"

187. Hey, boys and girls. I'm Torpedo Tortoise!

188. And here's one for you.

189. Halloween party's tomorrow night, homes.

190. - Got a costume? - No.

191. Hey, maybe you could go as a turtle.

192. Thanks, Chad.

193. I can't believe Chad got promoted again.

194. When the executives look at me, all they see is a tortoise.

195. Hey man, you want things to change, you gotta make 'em change.

196. - You ever pitch to the top man himself? - Daniel Moss? Hell no.

197. Well, then it's time to man up, my road dog,

198. because there he is.

199. Oh my God. He never eats lunch down here.

200. He's too busy being an animation god!

201. Then it's fate, man. You got to go over there

202. and say, "Yo, I am Tim Avery and I've been slugging away

203. in this costume for six months now

204. and I got an idea for a show and you need to hear it."

205. Be aggressive, man. If a bug bites you, bite him back!

206. Oh, you mean like you have with Sylvia?

207. Shut up.

208. You know, maybe I should.

209. - Should what? - Just walk up to Daniel.

210. - I mean, he's just a guy, right? - Right.

211. - What do I have to lose? - You got nothing to lose, man!

212. - I'm gonna do it. - Are you crazy?

213. Hey, Torpedo Tortoise.

214. Hi.

215. Something I can do for you?

216. Uhm...

217. actually, yes. Yes, you can.

218. Um, see I've been in the turtle suit for a while now,

219. but, uh, I'm a trained animator.

220. I went to school and everything,

221. and, uhm, I got an idea for a show that, uh,

222. you gotta hear.

223. Cool. Lay it on me.

224. Now?

225. So what did he say?

226. That my ideas lacked spark, but the door was always open.

227. Well, that's a good thing.

228. No. It's always open so he can push guys like me out of it.

229. Come on, Otis.

230. Otis. Come on.

231. Come on, boy. Come on, Otis.

232. Thank you, Otis.

233. You're so sweet and thoughtful.

234. Which is why you'd make such a great dad.

235. - What are you wearing? - Oh.

236. Well, I was gonna go as a werewolf victim,

237. but Otis ruined my mask.

238. Well, honey, you know, we've got so much stuff around here.

239. I don't know, just— wear that thing.

240. This?

241. I can't go as this.

242. Everyone at Animagine always goes all out with their costumes.

243. This is the crappiest piece of crap in Craptown.

244. Be a lot less crappy if you went with me, though.

245. I know, but I can't. I gotta finish the Orion brochure.

246. - You know what? - Hmm?

247. Go to the party...

248. have fun,

249. and when you get home,

250. you can tell me all about it.

251. So lame.

252. Whoa! What the...?

253. Don't you just love Halloween?

254. Whoa!

255. Trick or treat.

256. Hardy-har. Let me see your work lD, please.

257. - lD? - No lD, no party.

258. Where did the wife put that invitation?

259. ID, not lV.

260. Excuse me. My bad.

261. Maybe I left it in my other pants.

262. - Crazy! - Okay.

263. Here's your drink.

264. This party is embarrassing.

265. Can't we stir things up a little?

266. - I'm on it. - Go get 'em.

267. Who's that green guy?

268. You'd better cover up, young lady.

269. You might catch a chest cold.

270. Ah.

271. What am I thinking?

272. Whoa! Oh!

273. Hey! Oh!

274. - Whoo! Whoo! - Ah.

275. - Jorge. - Sylvia.

276. Thank you, God.

277. Boo! Boo!

278. Now hold on. Where is everybody going?

279. Whoo! All right. All right!

280. - Boo! Lame! - Whoo-hoo!

281. Honey, I'm home.

282. - Babe, what's gotten into you? - Let's find out.

283. That was off the chain last night, guru.

284. You were a whirling dervish of craziness, homes.

285. Hey, um, did you— did you use holograms

286. for— for all that— that stuff?

287. Whoa, Avery, I didn't know you had it in you, man!

288. Yeah, well, me neither.

289. - Tim Avery? - Yeah.

290. Daniel Moss would like to see you in his office.

291. Do you have a minute?

292. This has potential.

293. Come here. Come here.

294. This has that spark I was looking for.

295. I mean, not to be crass about it,

296. but this guy— this could be a franchise character.

297. How'd you come up with this?

298. M-my dog brought it to me.

299. Oh, yeah. If we knew where the great ones came from,

300. we'd go there every day, right?

301. Yeah.

302. Listen,

303. I think we could do something with this.

304. How would you like to move up to the second floor?

305. Where is it? Where is it?

306. Otis! You know that mask you were chewing on,

307. the wooden one? Where is it, boy?

308. Find it and I'll take you to see Venus—

309. you know, that cute little Jack Russell you're always trying to jump?

310. Yes, I think you guys would make a good couple.

311. I don't know. I don't speak Doberman.

312. Babe! I got incredible news!

313. Really? I think I do too!

314. - Really? What? - Um, you go.

315. - No, you go. - Okay, I'm gonna go.

316. - Babe, let me go. - Okay, go.

317. Guess who got moved up to the second floor?

318. Oh God, that is so great! I am so proud of you.

319. - Oh, then it was meant to be. - What's meant to be? What's your news?

320. I've been feeling really funky all day

321. - and you're not gonna believe this. - I'm not gonna believe what?

322. - Tell me! What? What? - Okay. I think I might be...

323. - Pregnant. - Yes!

324. Oh, but how can that be, 'cause we— that can't be— we just—

325. Who's a fish? Who's a fish?

326. Where's there a trashcan? Where's there a trashcan?

327. - Is that normal? - No.

328. And what's worse, it's not covered by insurance.

329. - Wow. - What?

330. Oh, Alvey.

331. Say hello to your son.

332. Uh, hello there, son.

333. I've been waiting to meet you

334. for nine months now.

335. Whoa. He's got a killer grip.

336. But Dad counteracts with his Pinky of Doom.

337. Hey, do you know who I am?

338. I'm your dad.

339. Loki!

340. There was a baby

341. born of the mask!

342. Damn! Where's my mask?

343. Sir, y-you're gonna have to pay for that.

344. The advertisement said they were authentic!

345. They are authentic.

346. They're authentic Pakistani Norse Mythology masks.

347. Okay. Now let me think.

348. What should I turn him into?

349. Loki!

350. Dad?

351. Fool!

352. What in Helveti were you about to do to this shopkeep?

353. - Nothing, I was just— - Fool!

354. Don't you dare lie to me.

355. You know, Thor never gave me this kind of trouble.

356. Okay, here we go again with the Thor crap.

357. Thor, Thor, Thor. You know, father, I'm not like Thor.

358. I'm never gonna be like Thor.

359. I just wish that— can't you just

360. love me for who I am

361. and not for who I'm not?

362. No! I want you to be more like Thor!

363. Now, I've wasted enough time here.

364. I felt a tremor.

365. A child has been born of the mask!

366. Wow. A baby's born of the mask,

367. so that sort of makes me kind of like a dad, huh?

368. - Find it! - The baby or the mask?

369. Find the baby

370. and you will find the mask.

371. Right.

372. Tonya, have you seen Otis?

373. He's in his new doghouse!

374. Who's a happy baby?

375. Who's a happy baby?

376. Let's blow up another one.

377. You like these, huh? They're pretty!

378. Honey, honey, honey, just a second ago,

379. he was counting the balloons. He held up five fingers.

380. That's great, hon. I gotta go.

381. Daniel brought in Chad to backstab me— oh, I mean help me—

382. and I gotta get to work before he helps me out of a job.

383. Hey.

384. What do you think, Double A?

385. Would you watch this, huh? Hey hon, I know I've asked like a million times,

386. but you happen to see that mask I was looking for, you know the wooden one—

387. Okay, a billion times, and no. Why do you need it so badly?

388. I don't need it. Who said I need it? Don't need it.

389. - Bye. - Bye.

390. Bye. Say "Bye, Daddy." Bye bye.

391. Bye bye. Here. You want another one?

392. Okay, watch, watch, watch.

393. "l want you to be more like Thor."

394. Oh, what a jerk.

395. Oh hey! It's my ear, nose and throat guy.

396. Odin thinks he's so great.

397. Hello! No one even worships you anymore.

398. I could have been a doctor

399. if the SAT weren't so culturally biased.

400. Now, let's see. Oh, "lnfectious Diseases," that always cracks me up.

401. Maternity ward.

402. Okay, first I find the magic baby,

403. then downstairs to the cafeteria for some Jell-O brick.

404. Who do you have to sting to get some answers in this place?

405. Bingo!

406. All right, here we go.

407. Buckle up.

408. Oh, hold on tight. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

409. Okay, baby, this is gonna hurt you

410. more than it's gonna hurt me.

411. Ah!

412. Okay, let's start with...

413. uh, July 27th.

414. Babies born on that day.

415. Oh, my. Why are there so many babies born?

416. - Who are you? - You.

417. - Me? - Who?

418. Huh?

419. Hmm?

420. - It's okay, baby. I got him. - Okay.

421. Tim. Tim.

422. - Okay, it's my turn. - No, no. It's okay, sweetie. It's okay.

423. - It's— it's my turn? - He's asleep. He's asleep.

424. But, baby, can you go in late to work today?

425. My office just called. Um, they're sending me to New York for a week.

426. - Hey, where you going? - I'm— I'm sorry, Daniel.

427. My wife's gotta go out of town for work. It's just a week,

428. but I have to take care of the baby.

429. Hey, you gotta do the kid thing, I understand.

430. Just unfortunate timing. The network called,

431. they want to see our green guy thing by the end of the week,

432. but I'll just put Chad on it.

433. - I'm on it. - What?

434. I said I need to be home, as in my house,

435. but I didn't say I couldn't work.

436. Line up the pitch. I'm on it,

437. and I won't let you down.

438. Cool. Try to give it that spark I saw at the Halloween party.

439. Okay.

440. I left all the phone numbers on the refrigerator

441. and you need to give him a bath before he goes to bed,

442. but don't get any water in his ears, 'cause he freaks out a little bit.

443. Um, and if he gets cranky, you just put him in his car seat

444. and play the Baby Mozart CD, but don't just pop him in front of the TV;,

445. it's gonna make him stupid.

446. Um, uh, if you feel like you're drowning,

447. just go see Betty down the street. She has like 10 kids.

448. - Honey? Do I have to mash his bananas? - Yeah?

449. - l— l— - Okay, you're gonna be fine.

450. Can I say goodbye?

451. Mommy loves you so much.

452. Okay.

453. And Mommy loves you too.

454. - Mommy, I can't do this. - Huh? You can.

455. - I can't. - You can.

456. Mommy. Honey, take him.

457. - Bye. - Honey, take him.

458. - I love you. - Honey, take him.

459. Bye.

460. Bye.

461. Okay. All right, Alvey.

462. Okay. All right. We're gonna have a good time.

463. Here we go. Come on. Yes.

464. Look at the pretty colors.

465. Oh, look! Ah, ee.

466. Fun, right?

467. Look at me! I'm happy, I'm... happy.

468. Okay.

469. Okay, buddy,

470. it's just you and me this morning

471. and we're gonna have fun and gonna play.

472. You excited? Okay.

473. - Hello? - Hey, buddy. Can you get down here now?

474. - Daniel's asking for you. - No, I can't come in right now.

475. - I'm stuck here with my kid. - You'd better think of something.

476. He wants to see your drawings before the pitch on Friday.

477. All right. I'll do the drawings now and I'll fax 'em over after lunch.

478. - All right. - Okay, bye.

479. Hey, pal.

480. Daddy's got a teensy-weensy bit of work to do,

481. so can you be a good boy and let him?

482. Hello?

483. - Honey, hey! - Hey, hon, how you doin'?

484. So, how are you and Alvey doing?

485. Oh, we're doing fine. Yeah, we're doing great.

486. Two little peas in a pod. How's your thing going?

487. Good. Uh, he loved the comps,

488. so now we just gotta rush it all into production.

489. So, how's Alvey?

490. Is he eating? How's he sleeping?

491. Hold on, hon. Somebody wants to talk to you.

492. Hi! How's my little womping wompet?

493. Oh, I miss you. I just want to kiss you and kiss you and kiss you!

494. Okay, hon. Yeah, he loves you too.

495. - Hurry home. Bye. - Okay, bye.

496. Aww.

497. Well, isn't it great

498. that her work is going so well?

499. - Ma? - Yes. Ma and her career are just—

500. - Did you say ma? - Mama.

501. Oh my God. You said mama!

502. Well, can you say "dad"

503. - or "da-da?" - Mommy.

504. That's great! You're doing great!

505. but come on, say "da-da". Da-da

506. Mother.

507. Timmy Tyler, are you my mask baby?

508. - Yes? - Good afternoon!

509. - May I come in? - Ah—

510. What a lovely abode. Oh my, and such a lush carpet.

511. You're exactly the kind of person

512. the Vacuummeister 3000 was invented for!

513. Well, if I don't clean up, no one will.

514. That is why you need the Vacuummeister 3000!

515. It has dual sweeps, durable airpaths,

516. jiggle control, multi-Teflon coated filtering

517. and it's built with a direct-drive design

518. that is so powerful, it sucks the dirt

519. off the dirt!

520. - Is that safe? - Allow me to demonstrate.

521. - Oh, don't you need to plug it in? - No.

522. This is a terrible demonstration.

523. Hello, you little... ugly thing.

524. Let's see if you're the one, hmm?

525. Bend. Morph!

526. Shape shift.

527. Well, do something for Odin's sake.

528. No!

529. I think it's time to introduce you to man's best friend.

530. And I don't mean you, Otis.

531. Okay.

532. Mommy doesn't want me to do this,

533. but what Mommy doesn't know won't hurt her.

534. - ... sour cream and onion... - Oh, look.

535. Hey, wait a minute.

536. We don't like your attitude!

537. Keep an eye on him, will ya?

538. Look at Bam Bam.

539. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

540. Bam Bam looks miserable without Pebbles.

541. Bam.

542. Bam, bam, bam.

543. Smoking!

544. I don't know how. I don't know which end is up.

545. I'm running on fumes.

546. Yeah. Yeah.

547. I don't know.

548. Yeah, I've still got the kid.

549. Oh God, you have no idea.

550. Man, they just suck the life out of you.

551. I don't know what I'm gonna do with him.

552. I think I may be on to something for my pitch, though.

553. I don't know, it's just—

554. Yow! Ooh!

555. Hi, 911? I already told you.

556. My son is bouncing off the walls!

557. Yes, off the walls, the couch,

558. and the ceiling. Hello. Hello? Hello?

559. Don't stop, little—

560. - Yeah? - Betty!

561. I need your help.

562. Tim, what's wrong?

563. Uh, uh, well, Tonya said if I ever needed—

564. you know— oh, uh, well, if any— if I saw anything weird.

565. It's Alvey. It's Alvey. It was Alvey. See?

566. He was— he was bouncing

567. and he— he did the Woody laugh, you know...

568. And he was singing.

569. Well, lots of babies his age sing.

570. Vaudeville?

571. Okay, I'll show you.

572. Okay, okay. Here we go.

573. Go on. Sing.

574. Go on, Alvey.

575. Do it.

576. Do it. Sing, damn it!

577. - Sing— - Tim!

578. - He's a baby. - Exactly my point.

579. I'm here to unclog your throne.

580. Oh, Jason Kemperbee,

581. be my baby.

582. Come on.

583. Hook me up. Show me the magic.

584. Alvey.

585. Put that down.

586. That's Mommy and Daddy's.

587. Please put the fax machine down.

588. Want some juice? Here, want some juice?

589. It's okay. Here you go, Alvey. Have some juice.

590. Yeah, you like juice.

591. See, Alvey? Daddy's not gonna hurt you.

592. Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!

593. No! Hey! Hey! Ah!

594. Hey! Hey! Hey!

595. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

596. Rattle.

597. Aww, poor baby.

598. Huh? Oh!

599. Uh-oh.

600. - Yes? - Hi!

601. Would you like some Thin Chocolate?

602. Yeah, you can run, but you can't hide!

603. Transformers.

604. Alvey?

605. You— you wouldn't do that to Da-da, would you?

606. I'm your dad.

607. C-can you say "dad"?

608. "Da-da"?

609. Madre.

610. This is too much too handle.

611. I mean, this is insanity.

612. Dancing?

613. No. No.

614. Shh.

615. Fire!

616. Bull's-eye!

617. Hmm?

618. Here we are by the baby.

619. Oh, yeah. Who's the dog?

620. Who's the big dog—

621. Whoa!

622. Mommy!

623. I surrender.

624. Bye-bye.

625. Oh, shoot.

626. Oh!

627. Stop it!

628. This is insane!

629. Point it down!

630. - All done? - Hmm.

631. - Hey, I'm Rod. - Get in here!

632. Okay.

633. Uh, take a look at this.

634. Hey, what a cute little baby.

635. - Oh, of course! - Mind if I take a look at him?

636. No, go ahead. I don't care.

637. Come on. Do something crazy.

638. Yeah, do something crazy!

639. Crap! Huh-uh, huh-uh.

640. Damn it. This isn't the right one either.

641. Hey! What are you doing?

642. Uh, I left your package in the foyer.

643. Do I have a package? Okay.

644. Oh well.

645. What happened?

646. You did this to me. I know what you're doing.

647. You're trying to drive me crazy.

648. You're a cunning little mastermind

649. who will stop at nothing until I go

650. completely insane.

651. Well, come on.

652. Start dancing again.

653. Start screwing with my mind!

654. Start, huh? Come on!

655. Why aren't you screwing with my mind?

656. Maybe I am just going crazy.

657. Maybe I am just going crazy.

658. Maybe I am just going crazy.

659. Maybe I am just going crazy.

660. Maybe I am just going—

661. That's it, buddy. First I'm taking you to a pediatrician,

662. then I'm taking you to an exorcist.

663. Who are you?

664. Oh my G—

665. my son is the devil. My son is the devil.

666. Oh my Odin, it is him.

667. We're just going to have a nice little drive,

668. while Daddy has a nervous breakdown.

669. Please leave a message.

670. Tonya, it's Betty. You said I should keep an eye out

671. and call you if there are any problems?

672. I think there's a problem.

673. No parking there.

674. That's a handicapped zone!

675. Hey! Sir?

676. Hey, wait!

677. Stop! You!

678. Hey!

679. What is it?

680. - Ah! - Okay, where is the mask?

681. - What? - The mask. My mask. Where is it?

682. What are you talking about? Who are you?

683. I am Loki, God of Mischief.

684. Yeah, and I'm Tim, God of Crazy Babyland. Will you get out of the way?

685. That baby is born of the mask— my mask.

686. - Now, where is it? - Born of the mask— what?

687. Oh, so that explains why he could pee like that!

688. But wait a minute. This is my baby.

689. I don't care about that. Just give me my mask!

690. - I don't know where it is. - Oh really?

691. Maybe this will jog your memory!

692. - Loki! - Dad?

693. I've warned you! You've left me no other choice.

694. I don't have time for this. Look, Dad, there's Balder.

695. - Just give me the mask. - I don't have it.

696. I think my dog ate it.

697. That is the oldest excuse in the book,

698. and I've read some really, really old books.

699. But if you want to do this the hard way...

700. so be it.

701. Oh, you're good.

702. - Whoa. - Yeah.

703. You really are a chip off the old block.

704. But I don't have time for this. Prepare to feel my true power!

705. Loki!

706. You have defied me

707. for the last time.

708. I've had it up to here with you!

709. Dad, please listen to me. You're holding the baby.

710. Silence! You have left me no choice.

711. - Listen, listen— - You are hereby stripped

712. of your immortal powers and forever banished

713. to the land of mortals.

714. No! Please, hear me out. That baby—

715. Whoa.

716. - Pretty. - Whoa.

717. Whoa.

718. - Hello? - Where the hell are you, homes?

719. Your pitch meeting is starting right now.

720. Um, I just met Green.

721. - Loki. - Snap out of it.

722. Where are you? I'll pick you up.

723. What's the deal, Tim? I get you a network pitch,

724. and you repay me by showing up 20 minutes late

725. Iooking like an escaped mental patient?

726. Andwith a kid?

727. Huh?

728. This is Tim Avery.

729. He created the character,

730. so why don't I just let him tell you more about it?

731. Tim?

732. Tim?

733. Guys, I could walk.

734. I-I guess he didn't like the pitch.

735. I just— I wanna get all my stuff.

736. Tim?

737. Pick up the phone!

738. Tim!

739. Betty just called. She's completely freaked out!

740. Oh, God. Call me the second you get this message.

741. Hey, it's me.

742. Uh, got your message.

743. Well, things are really great here.

744. Uh, me and Alvey got chased by a guy named Loki.

745. Well, that's not important.

746. I pitched, uh, my show today,

747. and, um...

748. I got fired.

749. Yeah.

750. Um...

751. but Alvey pooped,

752. which is good, and, uh...

753. and Alvey saved me.

754. It was amazing.

755. But, uh, uh, the main thing is, uh,

756. we're totally fine. Everything's great.

757. Um, better than fine, actually.

758. Alvey's great.

759. I love you.

760. Okay, bye.

761. Whoa!

762. By Kylvie, King of Svitjod,

763. Houthedy and Yppor.

764. I summon thee, God of Gunningap

765. - Nifleheim, Kvelge— - Tim?

766. Tim? Is that you?

767. Tim!

768. Kvelgemir!

769. Who summons Odin,

770. - Allfather of the gods? - Shh!

771. - G— Loki? - Shh!

772. - You'll wake the baby. - Oh, sorry.

773. Loki, is that you?

774. Tim.

775. What are you doing in there?

776. You did the conjuring ceremony

777. - by yourself? - I pay attention.

778. - Sometimes. - But you don't have the mask.

779. - Well, yeah, that's why l— - Rules are rules, Loki!

780. And I specifically— ow!

781. Could you just stop lecturing me for one minute and listen?

782. I found the baby. He's right there.

783. - That child is strong. - Mmm.

784. Very strong.

785. I had him before. I was this close,

786. but you took my powers and they got away.

787. So, please, father,

788. give me my powers

789. and I will give you the mask.

790. Very well.

791. Your resourcefulness pleases me,

792. and your mother says we should be trying

793. "positive reinforcement,"

794. whatever the Helveti that is.

795. So, as a reward,

796. I shall grant you a reprieve.

797. You have until the sands have fallen.

798. Oh, hey, hey. Wait, wait. Hang on.

799. - Hmm? - I want to sync up.

800. Ready... now!

801. Don't disappoint me, Loki. Use your powers wisely

802. and complete your task. This truly is

803. your final chance!

804. Tim.

805. What's going on up there?

806. Tim Avery, what are you doing in there?

807. Hmm. Nosy neighbors.

808. Ah—ah—choo!

809. - Guess who? - No! Ah!

810. Tim, snap out of it!

811. Baby?

812. - Is that you? - Of course it's me.

813. What are you doing up so late?

814. - And where's Alvey? - Seriously.

815. Is that really you?

816. No, you idiot.

817. Oh God. Ah— what— l—

818. Oh Jeez.

819. Bro, listen.

820. I'm a god. I can shape shift.

821. I can create stuff out of nothingness.

822. I can alter the fabric of reality,

823. so, please, quit being a knucklehead.

824. - What do you want from us? - Oh, don't worry.

825. I'm not gonna hurt you...

826. yet!

827. This baby was born out of the mask,

828. and I want my mask back!

829. Meet me in exactly one hour.

830. So you find the mask and meet me at— hmm.

831. Where shall we meet? Um, how about Red Lobster?

832. It's always so difficult getting a table there, especially on Fridays

833. - when they do that special. - There's a wick burning.

834. Well, how about we meet in an alley in the city?

835. - There's a wick— - Met at one before.

836. - Sure, it's a little cliche... - Sir, your—

837. but it's not so cliche that I think to myself, "Wow, that's too cliche!"

838. - But— it— it— - Meet me in that alley within the hour,

839. with the mask,

840. if you ever want to see your little monster again.

841. No!

842. Alvey! No!

843. What— Tim?

844. Tim?

845. Alvey?

846. Oh God. Tim!

847. What are you— what are you—

848. Tim. What are you doing?

849. What are you doing?

850. What the hell is wrong with you? Get off of me!

851. Get out of there, Loki! Where's my son, you mongrel from hell?

852. Tim! Ah!

853. Tonya?

854. Tonya! Oh, it's really you.

855. - Oh my God. - Oh God, I'm so sorry.

856. Betty was right. You have gone crazy.

857. No, I haven't. I thought I did, but I didn't.

858. Where's Alvey?

859. - Okay, don't freak out. - Where's Alvey?

860. - You're freaking out. - Where's my baby?

861. - Loki t-took him. - Took him?

862. Oh my God. Did you call the police?

863. - No, l— - Oh my God.

864. Tonya, listen!

865. - This is an emergency! - Tonya!

866. - My son is missing— - No, Tonya, listen!

867. The police can't help us! He's the freaking God of Mischief.

868. All he wants is his mask, which Otis is wearing.

869. And if I can just figure out where Otis is, I can just—

870. of course!

871. Our child is missing and you're worried about the damned dog?

872. This is crazy!

873. See what I'm talking about?

874. Now, you're gonna have to trust me

875. and get in the car, because I know where Alvey is and I know how to get him back,

876. because I know the one place Otis the moose would go.

877. See there's this really cute pooch Venus.

878. Otis?

879. Otis!

880. That's not Otis! That's a green critter.

881. I'm sorry, okay?

882. I've ignored you and I've been impatient,

883. but I need you, buddy. Loki, that guy that made the mask?

884. He wants it back. He has Alvey.

885. And he's a bad guy, Otis.

886. He hates dogs.

887. He doesn't realize that dogs are truly man's best friend.

888. - Huh? - You heard me.

889. You're this man's best friend.

890. But Alvey's my son

891. which sort of makes you like his big brother.

892. And when he grows up, he's gonna be your bestest friend.

893. But right now, he needs you

894. and he needs that mask.

895. All right.

896. So, I guess you're

897. kinda cute, huh?

898. Um, can you, like,

899. do anything you want, like me?

900. I mean, can you do this?

901. Wow.

902. Well, look at you!

903. You're just a little outlaw, ain't you?

904. Okay, hombre. Let's see how tough your rawhide can be.

905. Gotcha.

906. I like it!

907. So, you like games, huh?

908. Well you'd better watch out

909. 'cause I've got a game that no one can beat me at.

910. Super Twister!

911. It's just around the corner, right here.

912. Here we go.

913. Isn't this fun?

914. Whoa!

915. Whoa!

916. No fair! That crash threw me. Rematch!

917. Okay, you give me Alvey,

918. and the mask is yours.

919. I can't let go. I've grown attached.

920. - Alvey! - Hey, we had a deal!

921. I'm the God of friggin' Mischief, what did you expect?

922. - Huh. - Hey, Loki.

923. Honey, you look hot.

924. Give me back my son!

925. Um... no.

926. Honey, I think it's time we trade up.

927. Buckle up, baby.

928. Listen to Loki, kid.

929. Dads are overrated and I speak from experience.

930. Ah, there's nothing like a Sunday drive.

931. You wanna have some fun, kid, you stick with me.

932. All right. It's time to lose them for good.

933. Oh, look out, look out, look out!

934. Yahoo!

935. Whoa!

936. Hey, babe, look. No hands. I'm kidding.

937. Let's just finish this.

938. Now, where did he go?

939. - Hmm. - Uh, honey?

940. I think, maybe, there?

941. And here he is, folks,

942. the failure of Fringe City,

943. Yes, it's Tim "No-win" Avery!

944. Tim, it's Alvey. I'm gonna go get him.

945. Kick his can, honey.

946. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

947. Hi, baby. Hi, baby. Hi, baby.

948. Oh, yeah? Well, jump like a grasshopper

949. and stink like a skunk!

950. Caught me with my mouth open!

951. You can't fight me if you're locked in a trunk.

952. Huh?

953. I'm coming, I'm coming.

954. Let's get out of this dump. Come on.

955. And Loki said, "Let there be a brick wall!"

956. And there was!

957. Okay!

958. No more Mr. Nice Guy!

959. Say hello to my little friend!

960. Tim! Tim!

961. Here's Loki!

962. Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, T-T-T-T-T—

963. Wait.

964. This is a waste of time.

965. We're evenly-matched opponents.

966. I think we should let the kid decide.

967. Why, that's a swell idea.

968. Alvey, this is your decision.

969. - Pick me, pick me! - Alvey?

970. - I'm your real dad! - Come on, you little devil. Let's play!

971. - Come on, Alvey. - Alvey.

972. Alvey?

973. - Yeah, that's right. - Tim!

974. Son.

975. Alvey, look at me.

976. It's your dad.

977. There's no more superpowers.

978. I know at first I was kind of a jerk.

979. I didn't know how to handle a son,

980. but you helped me grow up.

981. And I want to repay you

982. by helping you grow up.

983. I love you.

984. Come on.

985. - Da-da. - Oh, Alvey.

986. It's my son.

987. Yes.

988. I just wanted a friend.

989. Push! Push!

990. Huh?

991. Off the throne. He's off the throne. That's not good.

992. Your time is up, son.

993. As expected, you failed in your promise.

994. You failed in your quest.

995. You are, in every sense of the word,

996. - a failure. - And I thought your dad was mean.

997. Hey, we both knew it would end like this, right?

998. You always set me up to fail. At least in that respect,

999. - I'm living up to your expectations. - Silence!

1000. You've brought me much pain, Loki.

1001. Right back at you, Dad.

1002. - Hey! - Tim, no!

1003. Hang on just a minute, Grizzly Adams.

1004. I don't know how things work in the god world,

1005. but you're his father, he's your son.

1006. And even if you banish him, he's still gonna be your son.

1007. There is nothing more important in this entire universe

1008. than your relationship with your family,

1009. especially if you're immortal.

1010. You're like 1,000, he's like 800,

1011. so you might as well get things right now

1012. and enjoy the rest of your eternal life.

1013. Here's the thing. Just take it.

1014. Okay? Loosen up.

1015. Come on, son. Let's go home.

1016. - Okay? - Okay.

1017. Godspeed.

1018. Maybe now, I can help you patch things up with Mom?

1019. Don't push it.

1020. A baby and a dog competing for Dad's attention—

1021. I love it.

1022. Simple, but it's— it's got—

1023. - Spark? - Yes.

1024. Where did you get the idea?

1025. Well, I just kind of quit trying so hard and...

1026. the idea just came to me.

1027. It's great.

1028. Yay! Yay!

1029. Honey, oh.

1030. That was such a good show!

1031. But I think you might need to add another character.

1032. What?

1033. - Really? - Yeah.

1034. What do you think about that, Double A?

1035. A little brother or sister?

1036. How does that sound?