Smosh: The Movie (2015)

1. (man)

2. Shut up!

3. [Hawk Nelson's

4. Just Getting Started]

5. - Consider yourselves warned.

6. - Ahh!

7. I was at the mall

8. the other day,

9. and this girl

10. was wearing pants

11. that looked like

12. she literally pooped in them.

13. Look at us. We look like

14. two girls at a club.

15. Hey...

16. Aw...

17. Ah! More videos.

18. More videos!

19. More videos!

20. What are you waiting for?

21. Hey.

22. Hello, little guy.

23. Cheese mobile!

24. Check it out!

25. - Lame. Lame. Lame.

26. My eyes are, like,

27. must be 50 pounds

28. or something, man.

29. Whoa!

30. - That was fake.

31. Hey, I apologize.

32. That's all you can ask for.

33. - You suck.

34. - I apologize!

35. Sweet!

36. Hey, man.

37. Hey, dude.

38. Uh, glad you're here

39. 'cause I need a ride.

40. Oh, I knew it.

41. You can't keep doing this.

42. You can't just

43. order a pizza

44. every time you need

45. a ride somewhere, okay?

46. Why not? You're already out

47. driving around.

48. Plus my mom started

49. charging me for rides.

50. - What's the big deal?

51. - The big deal is

52. I'm a working professional now

53. and you need

54. to respect that.

55. You deliver pizzas.

56. I work in food distribution

57. for a multi-million dollar

58. company.

59. Where you deliver pizzas.

60. Look, I've worked very hard

61. to turn my life around

62. in a very short amount

63. of time.

64. Unlike you, I moved out

65. of my parents' house.

66. Into my parents' house.

67. Hi, boys.

68. Hi, Mom.

69. Hi, Dad.

70. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Hecox.

71. So will you both be home

72. for dinner tonight?

73. - Yeah.

74. - I can't.

75. I'm fasting to fit my—my new

76. pair of jeggings I just got.

77. - Okay.

78. - Oh.

79. - Yup.

80. - Bye, Mom and Dad.

81. - Uh-huh.

82. - Bye, Son.

83. Bye. Thank you.

84. Look, I've got a good job.

85. I don't know why you can't

86. see that.

87. Would we call it good?

88. $25 haircut, dude.

89. I used to only ever pay,

90. like, 10.

91. My life is like a rocket ship

92. right now...

93. going nowhere but up.

94. Yeah, I know you

95. better than that, dude.

96. You're still the same

97. old Anthony

98. who imagines

99. Stone Cold Steve Austin

100. complimenting him

101. in the mirror.

102. No, I grew out of talking to

103. him, like, forever ago.

104. You're working too hard, man.

105. You're out there delivering

106. pizzas for, like,

107. two hours a day.

108. It's high time you did

109. something for yourself.

110. Oh, yeah, like give you

111. a ride somewhere?

112. I mean, I wasn't thinking that,

113. but, that would be great. Yeah.

114. Let me guess. You want to go

115. to the Game Bang.

116. All right, there he is.

117. That's my boy.

118. Come on.

119. Let's do this.

120. Yeah.

121. Whoo! Yeah!

122. Yo, Anthony.

123. You're doing a hell of a job

124. balancing such a busy

125. - and complex life.

126. - Yeah, I know.

127. But you got to start working

128. your glutes man.

129. Looks like a loose lump

130. of Play-Doh down there.

131. - Looks bad.

132. - Yeah, okay.

133. I'll, um, I'll just do some

134. squats on my way out.

135. - Thanks.

136. That pizza?

137. Yeah, that'll be 10 bucks,

138. by the way.

139. Oh, dude, that's messed up.

140. You're gonna charge

141. your best friend?

142. Did Steve Jobs give free iPhones

143. away to his friends? Nope.

144. Um, you're not the CEO

145. of pizza.

146. Not yet.

147. Look at that dumb car.

148. $1.00.

149. - That's it?

150. - Yup.

151. I said 10 bucks.

152. Well, you know,

153. I'm a cheap ass.

154. Ready to get your game bang on?

155. Mm!

156. Hey, cool car dickheads.

157. Yeah, that is a cool car.

158. You know why?

159. 'Cause it gets me this.

160. - What?

161. - That's cold hard cash, son.

162. What do you have to show for

163. what you've done today, punks?

164. He just dropped some money

165. on the ground,

166. - he doesn't even care.

167. - Oh.

168. - What?

169. - Really?

170. - That's it?

171. - For real.

172. - You see this watch?

173. - Yeah.

174. I won it playing skeeball.

175. Jesus, is that real?

176. 5 carats, yo.

177. No one wears watches anymore.

178. Come on, like, all you got to do

179. is look up at the sun.

180. Like, right now,

181. it's, uh, 4:0...

182. 5.

183. 4:05.

184. - Yeah. Yeah.

185. - Deal with it.

186. Loser.

187. Uhh!

188. Yeah, that's a pole.

189. You know,

190. we've been coming to this place

191. since we were, like, eight.

192. We should be out doing

193. cooler stuff.

194. - Like what?

195. - Like meeting girls.

196. Like other stuff people

197. do that are our age.

198. Um, no can do.

199. I'm kind of seeing

200. someone.

201. Uh, no you're not.

202. You leave creepy comments

203. on a YouTube video

204. of a hot girl

205. getting her butt massaged.

206. That's, uh, that's not the same

207. thing as seeing someone.

208. Do I see her?

209. Look, you never even talk

210. to her.

211. She's flagged every single one

212. of my comments.

213. Yeah, for being a perv.

214. No, man. She's just playing

215. hard to get.

216. - Dude, look what it is.

217. Magic Pocket Slave Monsters.

218. Come on.

219. Dude, I can't believe

220. they got this thing.

221. - Do you remember this?

222. - Yellow rat.

223. I choose you against your will.

224. - Ah!

225. Now get out there

226. and murder your friends.

227. - Ah!

228. Oh, it's a lot more violent

229. than I remember.

230. What? No, dude,

231. it was always like this.

232. - How lame.

233. Stop! Stop! Please.

234. - Come on, man.

235. - What?

236. - Dude, this was our jam.

237. - What?

238. We used to love

239. the game and the TV shows

240. and the erotic fan fiction.

241. - Oh, yeah.

242. - Uh, yeah.

243. That was a long time ago,

244. Ian.

245. Not really into that kind

246. of stuff anymore.

247. - Losers.

248. Come on!

249. Did you see those girls?

250. Come on, dude.

251. You loved it.

252. I'm worried about you, man.

253. I don't think you're living

254. in the real world.

255. The real world sucks.

256. The real world is actually,

257. uh, pretty amazing.

258. So, the kids that are probably

259. taking a dump

260. on the cheese mobile,

261. they're amazing?

262. And what about all the girls

263. that are walking around

264. that aren't talking to you?

265. Are they amazing?

266. And these girls would talk to me

267. if you weren't here dancing

268. to the theme song from

269. Magic Pocket Slave Monsters.

270. Then who wants them?

271. I do!

272. Look, I got to go.

273. My ten minutes are up.

274. - I'm still on the clock.

275. - What?

276. - Have fun.

277. - Wait.

278. Dude, how am I supposed

279. to get home?

280. Sorry,

281. one of us has a job here.

282. Just take a cab or something.

283. I'll be home after my shift.

284. - Do it, do it!

285. - Do it! Do it!

286. Do it, do it, do it,

287. do it, do it!

288. Hey, get off my cheese mobile.

289. - Run!

290. (boy)

291. Oh, my God.

292. Yeah, get out of here.

293. Punks.

294. Do you have a name

295. for your butt?

296. May I suggest, "Perfect"?

297. Hey, Ian?

298. You've been seeing that girl

299. for a few months now.

300. When do we get to meet her?

301. I don't know, Mom.

302. We're not rushing into anything.

303. - Bye.

304. - Okay, bye.

305. - Bye.

306. - She seems lovely.

307. She's amazing.

308. Son...

309. just... make sure

310. she's not a dude.

311. Unless you're into

312. that sort of thing.

313. In which case,

314. it's totally cool.

315. Okay.

316. Great talk, Dad.

317. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,

318. whoa, whoa!

319. Hey, I, uh—

320. We haven't gotten our mail

321. in, like, three months.

322. What gives?

323. Yeah, you might want to ask

324. your little friend about that.

325. - Who Ian?

326. - The bowl-headed idiot

327. with the face

328. you just want to punch?

329. - Yeah. Ian.

330. - Yeah, I'm done delivering mail

331. to this house.

332. You want your mail?

333. Oh, you want your mail.

334. - Okay.

335. - Yeah.

336. Let me get you your mail.

337. Here's your mail.

338. You want your mail?

339. - Oh!

340. - There's your mail.

341. You must want your package,

342. too.

343. Here's your package.

344. From now on, you get your mail

345. at the post office.

346. Hey, what did you do

347. to the mailman?

348. Nothing.

349. Why?

350. You know what you did.

351. Seriously, man?

352. Butt Massage Girl again?

353. She's my girlfriend

354. and she has a name, you know.

355. Oh, really?

356. What is it?

357. I don't know,

358. but I'm sure she has one.

359. You know nothing about

360. that girl.

361. Uh, she likes butt massages.

362. I know that.

363. What does her face

364. look like?

365. Like a butt.

366. I think.

367. Look, it doesn't matter.

368. We're a thing.

369. Sure, our love is maybe a little

370. unconventional, but it's real.

371. Nice!

372. She really cares about me.

373. Dude,

374. we got some letters here.

375. If it's from my grandma,

376. check for Anthrax.

377. Dude, we got an invite to our

378. five-year high school reunion.

379. Really?

380. When is it?

381. It is...

382. tonight.

383. Cool.

384. You do realize

385. what this means, right?

386. Free tacos?

387. Yeah, free tacos,

388. but more importantly...

389. Anna Reed's probably

390. gonna be there.

391. Ugh, Anna Reed? What is it with

392. you and this girl, man?

393. All right, fine.

394. Get it over with.

395. All throughout high school,

396. Anna Reed was the only girl

397. I'd dream about.

398. She was the girl of my dreams.

399. They'll buff our feet.

400. It's gonna be awesome.

401. You know, I was so awkward

402. back then

403. I didn't know

404. how to talk to girls.

405. Anthony.

406. Bye.

407. Hey.

408. - Hi—hey—

409. What's up?

410. So, um, this weekend,

411. I'm doing the Moonwalk

412. for Ring Finger

413. Largeasia.

414. I'm moonwalking 37 miles

415. to raise awareness for people

416. whose ring finger is longer

417. than their pointer finger.

418. It's a very important cause

419. and one that's dear to my heart,

420. because, see, my Uncle Keith,

421. he died of it.

422. Jesus, that's—

423. I'm really sorry for

424. your loss.

425. Would you wanna sponsor me?

426. Uh, um—

427. I mean, if you can't because

428. of the money,

429. that's totally fine.

430. No, no,

431. I have a ton of money.

432. Oh, great!

433. Actually, that's a lie.

434. I don't—

435. I only have 5 bucks

436. and that's my porn money—

437. corn money!

438. That's my corn money.

439. Oh, well, that's okay.

440. Um, maybe you could just

441. join me

442. and we could moonwalk

443. together.

444. I could use the moral support.

445. It's probably gonna take me

446. a couple of weeks.

447. 37 miles, you said?

448. 37.4

449. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

450. Okay, I'll do it.

451. You will?

452. - Yeah. Yeah.

453. - Amazing!

454. Cool.

455. - Whoa!

456. - Oh!

457. Dude, seriously?

458. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

459. Then you wussed out and you

460. never showed up to the Moonwalk.

461. Dude, I've heard this story

462. a million times.

463. What's your point?

464. That this reunion

465. is the perfect opportunity

466. to make Anna forget

467. about how big of losers

468. we used to be, you know,

469. show her how cool we are now?

470. Are we cooler now

471. than we were in high school?

472. Uh, $25 haircut, dude.

473. Here, I need to check

474. the reunion page

475. to see if Anna's going.

476. It says to dress for mall.

477. We dress for the mall every day.

478. No, it's saying "dress formal."

479. It means we have

480. to rent tuxedos.

481. Yeah, I know that.

482. Oh, well, guess

483. she's not going.

484. So, about the tux rentals,

485. we should probably get on that.

486. It doesn't say that, okay?

487. She's going.

488. She just hasn't replied yet.

489. Okay? I can feel it.

490. Look, someone posted

491. a video on here.

492. Have you thought about

493. life insurance lately?

494. Because here at All-Chafe,

495. we want to protect your family

496. from your impending death.

497. Ugh, I hate advertisements.

498. Skip it.

499. If you don't buy

500. All-Chafe Insurance,

501. there's a good chance

502. your entire family will be dead

503. by next week.

504. Buffering?

505. That still exists?

506. Everybody put your hands

507. together.

508. Whoo-hoo!

509. Is Magic Pocket Slave Monsters

510. the best song ever?

511. Dude, that's you.

512. Cool!

513. Anna Reed, get up here,

514. get up here, Anna Reed.

515. Right there. I really want you

516. to see this.

517. Hit it, Mr. Ellis!

518. Dude, that's awesome, you're—

519. You're, like, doing flips

520. and stuff, kind of.

521. - Whoa!

522. My butt!

523. Oh, no.

524. God, I can't believe

525. this is happening to me

526. right now.

527. Well, I mean, it's not

528. happening to you right now.

529. It happened five years ago.

530. Look at the views.

531. There's 301 views.

532. That's like

533. the entire attendance

534. of a football stadium.

535. You know, in a small town

536. with a high school team

537. whose record is, like,

538. five and five,

539. and they're not terrible,

540. but they're not great,

541. and they're losing

542. a lot of close games—

543. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.

544. I get it.

545. If Anna sees this video,

546. it's gonna remind her

547. about how much of a loser

548. I used to be.

549. And the fact that I'm super-cool

550. now won't even matter.

551. I can't go

552. to this reunion now.

553. I have to stay here at home

554. and never know if kissing Anna

555. really feels like

556. licking a wet donut.

557. All right, dude,

558. if you don't go, I don't go.

559. Mostly 'cause

560. I don't have a car.

561. And will it hurt to miss out

562. on free tacos?

563. Sure it will.

564. Like a son of a bitch.

565. But you're my best friend,

566. and I got your back.

567. - Thanks.

568. - Okay, we're not giving up yet.

569. Anna Reed hasn't replied

570. to the invite yet, right?

571. So, she probably hasn't been

572. to the page.

573. She probably hasn't even seen

574. the video.

575. You're right.

576. So all we have to do is—

577. - Is go to the reunion.

578. - go and get the video removed

579. from YouTube before Anna sees

580. the video.

581. What?

582. Thank you for calling YouTube.

583. This is Stephanie.

584. How may I direct your call?

585. Hi, Stephanie.

586. My name is Anthony Padilla,

587. and I have a very important

588. issue I'd like your help with.

589. I need a video removed

590. and never shown on your website

591. ever again.

592. Okay. Are you a rich

593. and powerful corporation

594. that can threaten us

595. with legal action?

596. - No.

597. - Then I can't help you.

598. Good-bye.

599. Didn't work.

600. Well, that doesn't really

601. matter, dude.

602. The video's awesome.

603. It won't be awesome

604. when Anna sees it.

605. I think I have an idea.

606. This is never gonna work.

607. If you want something

608. done right,

609. you just talk

610. to the right people.

611. And you got to look them

612. dead in the eye and beg.

613. Hey, do me a favor,

614. let me do all the talking.

615. Okay?

616. Your people skills are terrible.

617. What are you talking about?

618. I have amazing people skills

619. Oh, let me get that.

620. Ah!

621. - Oh!

622. - Ah! Aah!

623. I am so glad that happened.

624. That was the funniest thing

625. I've seen all day.

626. Good day, sir.

627. Good day, sir.

628. I did that.

629. I did that.

630. Hi there, darling.

631. I am a very important, big,

632. rich CEO of a powerful company.

633. And I am his boss.

634. Well, now, Ian, a CEO

635. does not have a boss,

636. okay?

637. I beg to differ, Anthony,

638. because I am the CFO

639. and that's

640. one letter higher than CEO.

641. Well, Ian, you must've

642. misheard me,

643. because I'm actually

644. the CEOO,

645. which has one more letter,

646. so it's more important.

647. Hey! It's you.

648. I know you.

649. You're the kid

650. from that crazy video

651. You're the Backflip

652. Microphone Guy!

653. It's the guy! This guy.

654. You know it.

655. She got it.

656. She knows what it is.

657. Okay, that's actually

658. why we're here.

659. Okay,

660. I have a question for you.

661. When you regained consciousness,

662. and you fell off the stage

663. and you landed on the mic,

664. did the whole thing

665. go up your ass?

666. Or was it some sort of, like,

667. special effects wizardry?

668. Okay, can we just keep it down,

669. please?

670. Okay, 'cause I was watching

671. with my husband—Sorry, taken.

672. And he was like,

673. "Where'd the microphone go?"

674. And I was like, "I think

675. it's in that boy's ass."

676. Okay, that's enough, okay?

677. You will not take that tone

678. with me.

679. You're right.

680. I'm sorry.

681. Okay? It's just that

682. my friend and I

683. have a very important issue

684. we need to discuss.

685. It's a matter we'd like to

686. take up directly

687. with the CEO of this

688. establishment,

689. if you don't mind.

690. So, is Mr. YouTube available

691. to see us right now?

692. Mr. YouTube?

693. Yup, we're going straight

694. to the top.

695. Okay, first of all,

696. the CEO of YouTube

697. is not just gonna sit down

698. with two random guys

699. off the street.

700. And even if he did,

701. I'm pretty sure

702. the guy's name is not

703. "Mr. YouTube."

704. Mr. YouTube will see you now.

705. His office is just

706. at the end of that hallway.

707. Really?

708. I don't care

709. what Billy Snapchat says.

710. Billy Snapchat

711. is a little bitch.

712. I'm Steve YouTube.

713. What I say goes.

714. No, I had lunch

715. with Sally Instagram

716. three days ago.

717. She and Roger Facebook are in.

718. Now, if you don't want to get

719. on board with this,

720. then you are

721. a stupid jerk idiot.

722. Sorry for the French.

723. All right, I got to go.

724. I've got two random guys

725. in my office

726. I've never met before,

727. and they need something from me.

728. And I can't keep them waiting.

729. Good-bye. Good-bye!

730. Sorry about that.

731. That was Ted Google.

732. Guy's been a pain in my butt

733. ever since he bought my company.

734. Hi. Steve YouTube.

735. Pleasure to meet you.

736. - Hi.

737. - I don't touch. I don't touch.

738. I'm Ian and this is—

739. Backflip Microphone Guy!

740. Dude, that is one of my all-time

741. favorite videos.

742. What can I do for you guys?

743. Well, Mr. YouTube—

744. Oh, no, no, no.

745. Please.

746. Call me Steve. YouTube.

747. Call me Steve YouTube.

748. Okay. So, Steve YouTube,

749. I need that thing—

750. - Awesome video.

751. - Shh.

752. I need that thing

753. that you mentioned—

754. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

755. the video.

756. - Hilarious, right?

757. - Hilarious.

758. Shut... uuuup.

759. Okay, so, yeah,

760. I need that video removed

761. from your website, please.

762. Ah, yes, yeah.

763. I got to be honest

764. with you guys.

765. This thing—this kind of thing

766. happens more

767. than you would imagine.

768. Not the microphone thing.

769. But the embarrassment thing.

770. And here's the problem.

771. Once a video is uploaded to the

772. Internet, it's there forever.

773. Your best bet is to actually go

774. into YouTube itself

775. and change the video

776. from the inside.

777. So you mean, like,

778. go into YouTube,

779. like, Tron-style?

780. No, you're messing with us,

781. right?

782. - There's—you—what is this?

783. - Yeah, that's not—

784. - That's not possible.

785. - That doesn't sound possible.

786. Hey, guys,

787. I'm Steve Friggin' YouTube.

788. If I say you can get

789. up inside YouTube,

790. then you can get up

791. inside YouTube.

792. I did not mean for that to sound

793. sexual. I apologize.

794. What I should have said is,

795. if you wanna penetrate YouTube—

796. That was worse.

797. You know what?

798. Forget it.

799. My point is this.

800. I have to do this kind of thing

801. for people all the time.

802. You guys remember Gangnam style?

803. Do you remember

804. that video by that—

805. I think it was

806. a Puerto Rican guy?

807. - Yeah. Yeah.

808. - Yeah.

809. Well, you think Psy nailed

810. that video on the first take?

811. Nope. I actually think I have

812. the original video right here.

813. Check it out.

814. It's so bad.

815. Right? I mean, there's not

816. even a dancing horse.

817. How hard is it to get a horse

818. to dance?

819. Probably not that hard.

820. It's very hard.

821. No, no, no, this is perfect.

822. This is perfect.

823. So how do we, uh, get inside

824. YouTube to fix our video?

825. Great question.

826. Simple answer.

827. There's actually a portal

828. right under my desk.

829. - A portal?

830. - That doesn't sound right.

831. This, um,

832. this doesn't seem safe.

833. Guys, it's me, Steve,

834. YouTube.

835. Steve YouTube.

836. If I say

837. there's a portal under my desk

838. that will get you

839. into YouTube,

840. there's a portal under my desk.

841. It just kind of seems like, you

842. know, we might crawl down there,

843. and you might have your wiener

844. out or, some—

845. - Excuse me?

846. - Definitely your wiener.

847. Excuse me.

848. I don't know what kind of

849. meeting you thought this was.

850. Frankly, I find that suggestion

851. offensive.

852. I'm Steve YouTube.

853. I created all of this.

854. You think I would jeopardize

855. that by putting my,

856. what did you say,

857. "wiener" out?

858. I don't think so.

859. Now, look, I'm very busy.

860. You guys can see yourselves out.

861. If you don't wanna change

862. the video, you don't wanna

863. change the video.

864. Janice, get me Bethany MySpace

865. on the phone, please.

866. No, no, no I—It's cool.

867. We're gonna do it.

868. We're gonna change our video.

869. - Yeah, just crawl—

870. - Really?

871. - All right.

872. - Yeah, go right around

873. - the desk and crawl under.

874. - Let's do it, man.

875. And go to the portal.

876. - Whoa!

877. - Oh my—

878. - What?

879. - Dude!

880. - That!

881. - Damn it! Put it away!

882. - Oh! That's not—

883. You thought there was a portal

884. under my desk,

885. and you saw my wiener.

886. That is the best joke ever.

887. So there's no portal, then.

888. You're just messing with us.

889. Of course there's a portal.

890. But it's not under my desk,

891. you morons.

892. It's behind my closet door.

893. - Go on.

894. - Okay.

895. Yeah, it's just right there.

896. Go on in.

897. Um, yeah, this doesn't feel

898. very safe either.

899. Guys, I had my fun, okay,

900. but fun time's over.

901. Not everything in life

902. is a wiener joke.

903. Holy shit!

904. - Whoo!

905. - Whoa!

906. Take these.

907. What do we do with these?

908. Gentlemen, meet Diri.

909. She'll be your guide

910. once you're on the inside.

911. (Diri) Hello, Ian.

912. Hello, Anthony.

913. I hope I can be

914. of service to you both.

915. Wait, her name is "Diri"?

916. That's right. She's a personal

917. assistant software.

918. - So she's like Siri?

919. - Hey. Hey.

920. We don't draw

921. that comparison here.

922. - You understand me?

923. - It's just that—

924. Hey, Bieber,

925. you understand me?

926. Diri and Siri, it's kind of—

927. It's—it does kind of

928. sound similar.

929. People are gonna draw

930. the conclusions.

931. - It sounds—

932. - I'm gonna have my R&D team

933. take a look at that.

934. Now listen to me.

935. Diri is gonna be your guide once

936. you get through that portal.

937. Anyplace you need to go,

938. you tell Diri,

939. she will take you there.

940. Like, Siri.

941. Okay. Cool.

942. Cool-cool.

943. All right.

944. Safe travels, gentlemen.

945. You sure you want to do this?

946. Yeah. If I don't do this,

947. I'll never be anything to Anna.

948. All right. I'm with you.

949. - Ready?

950. - Yeah. Yeah.

951. - B.

952. - F.

953. F. Let's go.

954. Let's do it.

955. - Ready?

956. - Yeah.

957. - Let's do this.

958. - You first.

959. Good luck!

960. What the hell is this,

961. dude?

962. (man)

963. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

964. Oh, man.

965. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

966. Look out below!

967. Whoo! Whoo!

968. Did we do it?

969. Are we in YouTube?

970. I don't know. It doesn't really

971. feel like YouTube.

972. Have you thought about life

973. insurance lately?

974. 'Cause here at All-Chafe,

975. we wanna protect your family

976. from your impending death.

977. Yup, we're definitely

978. in YouTube.

979. It's this friggin'

980. advertisement.

981. If you don't buy

982. All-Chafe Insurance,

983. - there's a good chance—

984. - Diri,

985. can we skip this ad, please?

986. (Diri) Sure. Let me help

987. you with that.

988. Uh, yeah, Diri,

989. could you also go full screen?

990. 'Cause we can't see zilch.

991. (Diri) Certainly.

992. I can do that.

993. That's better.

994. Diri, where are we?

995. (Diri) Anthony, you are

996. in a bear attack video.

997. Diri, get us out of here.

998. (Diri) You said, "Get me

999. a beer." Is that correct?

1000. What? No! I said,

1001. get us out of here!

1002. - Aah!

1003. Hello, everybody.

1004. My name is Markiplier.

1005. And welcome to

1006. Gorilla Chainsaw Massacre.

1007. As you can see, I'm a pissed-off

1008. gorilla with a chainsaw.

1009. Doesn't really make a lot

1010. of sense, but then again,

1011. I don't really care.

1012. Diri, help!

1013. Taking you to Yelp.

1014. Leave a review online.

1015. - What?

1016. - I hate you.

1017. A gorilla with a chainsaw.

1018. I don't have a full grasp

1019. on human speech,

1020. but I can operate

1021. a gas-powered chainsaw?

1022. Oh, God!

1023. Diri, get us out of here now!

1024. (Diri) There is no reason

1025. to yell at me.

1026. Die, puny humans, die!

1027. - Ah!

1028. - Oh!

1029. Wait, are we—

1030. I think we're home.

1031. Diri, what the hell

1032. is your problem?

1033. I'm a piece of intelligent

1034. software, not a mind reader.

1035. And I would greatly

1036. appreciate

1037. if you would refrain

1038. from using expletives.

1039. Don't think that just because

1040. you're super-hot,

1041. you don't have to be specific.

1042. - What?

1043. - What?

1044. Anthony, check this out.

1045. Here's your pizza.

1046. I remember this video.

1047. I shot it three months ago.

1048. Such an idiot.

1049. You're looking pretty hot,

1050. yourself.

1051. Call me up later, right?

1052. You wanna see a little skin?

1053. It's gonna blow your mind.

1054. No, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed

1055. to take off my shirt, but, uh...

1056. give you a little bit of that—

1057. You were filming this?

1058. I was bored.

1059. Hey, boys.

1060. - Hi.

1061. - Hi.

1062. This is so weird.

1063. Yeah.

1064. Yeah, I work out my glutes.

1065. Just imagine this in jeggings.

1066. Mailman.

1067. Oh, dude.

1068. Check this out.

1069. What are you doing

1070. behind that tree?

1071. Just watch.

1072. Here it comes.

1073. Take this, Mailman!

1074. Yeah!

1075. Yeah!

1076. Take it!

1077. Yeah!

1078. Dude, I have to wear this

1079. all day.

1080. Deal with it, bitch.

1081. Yeah!

1082. Ha-ha!

1083. Oh, man.

1084. Yeah!

1085. Well, this explains

1086. why the mailman

1087. stopped delivering our mail.

1088. God, I'm so funny.

1089. Milk balloons.

1090. Classic Ian.

1091. It was kind of a jerk move,

1092. dude.

1093. Come on, man. We used to do

1094. milk balloons all the time.

1095. Yeah, when we were kids.

1096. You little bastard.

1097. Okay, okay.

1098. We get it.

1099. Do you realize

1100. what this means?

1101. Yeah. I should've

1102. used bigger balloons.

1103. That guy was barely soaked.

1104. No, no, no!

1105. The mailman punched

1106. you in the face, right?

1107. Yeah.

1108. That means we can actually

1109. interact with these videos.

1110. Oh, yeah, you're right.

1111. All right, so I'm gonna

1112. get some bigger balloons

1113. and more milk—

1114. No, no, no, no.

1115. Just stay focused, man.

1116. Come on.

1117. Diri, take us to our

1118. graduation night video.

1119. It's time for some

1120. redemption.

1121. (Diri) I am now taking you

1122. to Jenna Marbles.

1123. Wait, what?

1124. Now she's just

1125. screwing with us.

1126. Listen, if you're a guy

1127. and you're wearing eyeliner,

1128. not like Halloween eyeliner

1129. or anything like that,

1130. like all-day, everyday eyeliner,

1131. I got news for you.

1132. It's hot. I like that.

1133. Keep doing what you're doing.

1134. - What the hell, man?

1135. - Diri, damn it!

1136. Jenna, I'm really sorry, okay?

1137. Just forget we were ever here.

1138. - We'll just be on our way.

1139. - Hold on.

1140. Jenna, it's me, Big Rod 91.

1141. I've commented

1142. on a bunch of your videos.

1143. Oh, yeah!

1144. I know exactly who you are!

1145. You kidding me?

1146. No idea.

1147. Okay Jenna, actually, this is

1148. gonna sound crazy, but Steve—

1149. Steve sent you here

1150. to fix some crappy video

1151. that you guys messed up on.

1152. That right?

1153. - Yeah.

1154. - Yeah.

1155. And then he gave you

1156. these phones, but Diri's

1157. being an unhelpful

1158. little bitch.

1159. - Oh, my God, yes!

1160. - Yeah, I know.

1161. Screw you, Jenna.

1162. Whatever.

1163. I know a shortcut.

1164. Just use the web address

1165. for the video.

1166. You don't even need Diri

1167. if you just type in

1168. the web address

1169. to the video

1170. that you want to go to.

1171. Wait, hold on.

1172. We don't know the address.

1173. That's gonna take

1174. forever to guess.

1175. (Diri) Yeah, Jenna.

1176. That's a dumb idea.

1177. - Bitch.

1178. - Yeah.

1179. Well, then I don't know

1180. what to tell you.

1181. But whatever you're gonna do,

1182. you got to do it quick.

1183. - Why?

1184. - Steve didn't tell you?

1185. See, these phones

1186. and Diri are your only link

1187. to the outside world.

1188. And if the battery life dies,

1189. you get stuck in YouTube.

1190. - Forever. Just like me.

1191. - Wait, what?

1192. Hey, Jenna,

1193. seen my hair scrunchie?

1194. No, I haven't seen your

1195. scrunchie, bitch.

1196. Are you kidding me?

1197. She looks ridiculous in those.

1198. I don't even know

1199. why she wears them.

1200. She's not even hot.

1201. She's like a six.

1202. Look at her.

1203. Nasty.

1204. Don't tell me what to wear,

1205. bitch.

1206. What did you just say to me?

1207. Come and say it to my face!

1208. - You know what, bitch...

1209. - Okay, I know you really

1210. want to fix that video,

1211. but we can't get stuck

1212. in here, dude.

1213. We just need to go back.

1214. We're gonna be fine. We have

1215. plenty of battery power left.

1216. This is my only chance.

1217. So we're just gonna guess

1218. random addresses?

1219. - Yeah, okay?

1220. The address for the grad night

1221. video started with

1222. YouTube.com/something...

1223. I got it.

1224. Let's split up.

1225. It always works

1226. in the movies.

1227. This isn't a movie, okay?

1228. It's real life.

1229. We can't just split up.

1230. Well just, can you just

1231. trust me on this?

1232. You know, okay, fine.

1233. We'll meet back in 15 minutes.

1234. How about that?

1235. - I hope this works.

1236. - Of course it'll work.

1237. - Ready?

1238. - Yup.

1239. - Put your address in.

1240. - Hello?

1241. (Diri) You're acting like

1242. I'm not even here.

1243. - Shut up, Diri.

1244. - All right. Ready? Got it in?

1245. - Yup.

1246. - All right.

1247. - And...

1248. Three, two, one, go!

1249. What the hell is this?

1250. Oh, God, no!

1251. Oh, okay.

1252. Welcome to the party, bro!

1253. Hey, you forgot your costume!

1254. - Don't even sweat it.

1255. - What?

1256. You're a kitty.

1257. Bunny twerk, bunny twerk,

1258. - What? Oh! Oh, God!

1259. - Bunny twerk, bunny twerk!

1260. - No! Oh! Oh!

1261. - Bunny twerk, bunny twerk!

1262. - Bunny twerk.

1263. Oh, my God, I remembered

1264. the right address.

1265. Hello, there.

1266. Aah!

1267. Who the hell are you?

1268. It's me, Big Rod 91.

1269. Your boyfriend.

1270. You flag all my comments.

1271. Oh, my goodness.

1272. Big Rod 91?

1273. I'm sorry about flagging

1274. all your comments.

1275. I was playing

1276. hard to get.

1277. I knew it.

1278. What are you doing here?

1279. Oh, it's a long story.

1280. Well, pull up a table.

1281. We've got time.

1282. Okay.

1283. If you want the best taste

1284. you've ever seen,

1285. go out and get yourself some

1286. Stone Cold Creamy Cream.

1287. And that's the bottom line.

1288. Stone Cold Steve Austin?

1289. - Oh, my God, it's me, Anthony.

1290. - Who?

1291. You know, we talk in the mirror

1292. all the time.

1293. Wait, you sell ice cream now?

1294. Yeah, it's my new gimmick.

1295. Stone Cold Creamy Cream.

1296. It's the best.

1297. Don't you think people

1298. will get that confused

1299. with Cold Stone Creamery?

1300. Never heard of it.

1301. Anyway, so I have a problem

1302. I need your help with.

1303. I embarrassed myself

1304. in front of this girl I love

1305. by doing a flip and then landing

1306. directly on my face,

1307. and then getting a microphone

1308. shoved up my—

1309. Mm. That's not good.

1310. Yeah. So now I need her

1311. to think I'm cool again.

1312. What would you do

1313. if you were me?

1314. Well, I'll tell

1315. you exactly what I'd do.

1316. I'd hit her

1317. with the Stone Cold Stunner.

1318. Oh, my God, of course

1319. you would.

1320. - That's your move, man.

1321. - Exactly.

1322. Yeah,

1323. so you're basically saying

1324. I should come up

1325. with my own move.

1326. Not try to impress her,

1327. but just be myself.

1328. No. I'm telling you,

1329. you need to hit her

1330. with the Stone Cold

1331. Stunner.

1332. Maybe even from a top rope.

1333. Right. So I need to climb

1334. to the top rope too,

1335. and not be afraid

1336. of falling.

1337. And I'll never know

1338. what I'm capable of

1339. if I don't just get out

1340. there and try.

1341. No,

1342. that's not what I'm saying!

1343. I'm telling you to grab her

1344. by that stack of dimes

1345. she calls a neck, drop her ass

1346. with a Stone Cold Stunner.

1347. Yes! Oh, my God.

1348. Stone Cold Steve Austin,

1349. you're the best.

1350. I can always count on you.

1351. Oh,

1352. why didn't I think of that?

1353. Kid's on 'shrooms.

1354. Stop. I can't stand

1355. the silent treatment

1356. anymore.

1357. Take me back, Anthony, and I'll

1358. do better, I promise.

1359. One final chance,

1360. that's all I'm asking for.

1361. Okay, fine.

1362. One final chance.

1363. Okay? Take me to Rockville High

1364. Graduation Night 2009.

1365. Sure, I can help you with that.

1366. - See? It was that easy.

1367. Damn it, Diri, this is not what

1368. I asked for and you know it.

1369. But this is it.

1370. It's Rockville High

1371. Graduation Night, 2009.

1372. - I swear.

1373. - Anna?

1374. Who is Anna?

1375. Hi, everybody, or,

1376. you know, the three people

1377. that actually watch

1378. my stupid vlogs.

1379. Mom, Dad,

1380. Uncle Keith's ghost,

1381. tonight is graduation night.

1382. I can't believe it's really her.

1383. She's getting ready

1384. for the graduation party.

1385. Anthony, we need to talk.

1386. Shh. No, we don't.

1387. So, I did the Moonwalk

1388. for Ring Finger Largeasia

1389. last weekend.

1390. 37 miles.

1391. The doctor says I'm never

1392. gonna walk right again.

1393. But some things

1394. are worth the sacrifice.

1395. So there's this guy at school,

1396. um, he was supposed

1397. to meet me for it,

1398. but he didn't show up.

1399. And it's weird because I really

1400. thought we had something.

1401. I don't know.

1402. I like the guy but...

1403. I guess moonwalking 37 miles

1404. would be a pretty weird

1405. first date.

1406. That was supposed to be a date?

1407. Maybe he'll be

1408. at the party tonight,

1409. and we'll see if there's

1410. something there.

1411. Otherwise,

1412. I am totally fine

1413. with talking to you three

1414. fine people

1415. out in internet land,

1416. until you get bored of me.

1417. And also,

1418. I've prepared a statement

1419. for those victims

1420. of Ring Finger Largeasia.

1421. - Don't ignore me, Anthony.

1422. Stop it!

1423. This is Anna Reed!

1424. The girl I'm in love with.

1425. The whole reason I came into

1426. YouTube in the first place.

1427. I think I just found out

1428. she's in love with me, too.

1429. Wow, you're easy.

1430. What is that supposed to mean?

1431. (Diri) What does she have

1432. that I don't have?

1433. Uh, a body, and a face,

1434. for starters.

1435. Sincerely, Anna Reed.

1436. Let's get out of here.

1437. Who's there?

1438. Uh, Uncle Keith's ghost.

1439. - Uncle Keith?

1440. - We have to go now!

1441. (Diri) You are never

1442. going to find your video.

1443. It is no wonder that Ian does

1444. not value your friendship.

1445. Of course he does.

1446. Oh, really?

1447. Uncle Keith was a furry?

1448. Oh, man, this feels great.

1449. Is it weird to say that I

1450. want this guy's hand on my butt

1451. all the time?

1452. A little bit.

1453. Ian? What are you doing?

1454. Oh, hey, man, check it out!

1455. It's Butt Massage Girl.

1456. You were supposed to be

1457. out looking

1458. for the graduation night

1459. video!

1460. What happened?

1461. Maybe you didn't hear me,

1462. but I found Butt Massage Girl.

1463. Dude, she's amazing.

1464. We're kind of in love.

1465. Hey, I know you.

1466. You're

1467. Backflip Microphone Guy.

1468. We've been watching

1469. your video all day.

1470. You showed her that?

1471. Well,

1472. I mean, it's a good video.

1473. (Ian)

1474. Why wouldn't I?

1475. I mean, there you go.

1476. - It's so cute, dude.

1477. - It's so cute.

1478. Oh, my God, dude, it's up

1479. to 748 views now.

1480. That's like the entire

1481. attendance

1482. of a football stadium

1483. in a slightly bigger town

1484. with a high school team

1485. whose record is like,

1486. - eight and two, and you know—

1487. - This is why I like you.

1488. they started the season off

1489. as underdogs,

1490. so they, somehow,

1491. keep winning.

1492. They're selling tickets

1493. like crazy and—

1494. We get it, dude.

1495. Ian, we have the video address

1496. now. It's right here.

1497. We have to go now

1498. before Anna sees the video.

1499. But—But, but, but, but, but,

1500. - Butt Massage Girl.

1501. - This is serious, dude.

1502. It turns out,

1503. Anna is in love with me, too.

1504. Oh.

1505. But, but...

1506. Butt Massage Girl.

1507. We have to fix that video

1508. and get to the reunion

1509. more now than ever.

1510. Come on!

1511. But I wanna stay here

1512. with her.

1513. Dude,

1514. it's meant to be, see?

1515. Ian, come on, man.

1516. This isn't even real.

1517. It's just a video.

1518. Our love is real.

1519. I mean, we got our butts

1520. massaged together.

1521. Look.

1522. Butt Massage Girl?

1523. Who the hell are you?

1524. - It's me.

1525. - You who?

1526. Big Rod 91.

1527. Oh, my goodness,

1528. it's really you?

1529. Yeah.

1530. Ian, I know this is hard,

1531. but we only have 24%

1532. of our battery life left.

1533. Okay? We need to go now.

1534. All right. Fine.

1535. But, Big Rod 91...

1536. Good-bye, Butt Massage Girl.

1537. I have a name, you know.

1538. Shh!

1539. Don't say it.

1540. - It'll ruin the romance.

1541. - It's—

1542. Shh! Go, go!

1543. La, la, la, la.

1544. Go now, go now, go now!

1545. Massage my butt!

1546. This is it!

1547. Yeah, I mean,

1548. it's great and all,

1549. but it has been

1550. a couple minutes,

1551. and I could really use

1552. another butt massage.

1553. Shh! Keep it down.

1554. Can't draw attention

1555. to ourselves.

1556. Whoa—whoa—

1557. Oh!

1558. Whoa, whoa, whoa—

1559. Dude, seriously?

1560. Aah!

1561. What kind of a dumb-ass just

1562. leaves that stuff laying around?

1563. Not like a bad dumb-ass.

1564. Like a... good dumb-ass.

1565. Way to not draw attention!

1566. There she is.

1567. Look at her.

1568. And there we are.

1569. Man, we were such losers.

1570. Look at my stupid haircut.

1571. It only cost 10 bucks.

1572. Ah! Whoo!

1573. Okaaaaaay, graduates!

1574. Helloooo!

1575. Are we all having

1576. a good time tonight?

1577. I forgot how much

1578. this place sucked.

1579. Is every-body havin'

1580. a good time tonight?

1581. Ooooooh!

1582. - Lame!

1583. - Okay!

1584. - We hate you!

1585. - All right, coming up

1586. on stage right now

1587. to sing the theme song

1588. from

1589. Magic Pocket Slave Monsters.

1590. Really? Uh, everybody

1591. put your hands together

1592. for Anthony Padi—

1593. Pa... dilla...

1594. - B...

1595. - F...

1596. F!

1597. - We need to stop him!

1598. - Go, go, go.

1599. Me. The—the guy

1600. who's also me.

1601. - Thanks, Mr. Ellis.

1602. - Mm-hmm.

1603. You rock, Anthony!

1604. Is Magic Pocket Slave Monsters

1605. the best song ever?

1606. Yes!

1607. Yes, yes.

1608. Whoo! All right.

1609. We need a plan,

1610. and we need a plan quick.

1611. Let's do this!

1612. Well, I mean,

1613. you could go up there

1614. and knock him out.

1615. I'm too tough to knock out.

1616. Right.

1617. (Anthony) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1618. Whoo, whoo, whoo.

1619. - Is that you?

1620. - Huh?

1621. - That guy, right there!

1622. - Is that you?

1623. - Um...

1624. Is it me?

1625. It's really hard

1626. to tell.

1627. You are the only one

1628. recording this here tonight.

1629. Even if it was me,

1630. I definitely

1631. wasn't recording it.

1632. Dude, I was probably

1633. just taking a selfie.

1634. "Selfie" wasn't even

1635. a term in 2009.

1636. Anna Reed, come on up.

1637. Yeah.

1638. All right.

1639. I really want you

1640. to see this.

1641. Look me dead in the eye

1642. and tell me you

1643. are not the one

1644. that recorded this

1645. and uploaded it.

1646. Obviously,

1647. it wasn't me, okay?

1648. Hey, guys,

1649. I'm totally recording this,

1650. and then I'm gonna put it

1651. up on YouTube in five years,

1652. probably right before our

1653. five-year high school reunion.

1654. Okay, it was me.

1655. But I didn't do it

1656. to embarrass you.

1657. I did it 'cause I thought

1658. your flip was awesome.

1659. Hit it, Mr. Ellis.

1660. - Oh!

1661. - Hoo hoo hoo...

1662. That was awesome!

1663. Look! You almost made it

1664. all the way around that time.

1665. And the crowd

1666. was super into it—see?

1667. You made them all

1668. so happy.

1669. Okay, I'm sorry,

1670. but I didn't see how

1671. this could backfire.

1672. Why would you

1673. do that to me?

1674. I thought you needed

1675. a little reminder

1676. on how fun

1677. you used to be.

1678. I'm still fun.

1679. Not like you used to be.

1680. You used to be the best person

1681. in the world to hang out with.

1682. Then you got a job

1683. and an expensive haircut

1684. and you moved out of

1685. your parents' house,

1686. and now it's like

1687. you're embarrassed

1688. to do all the stuff

1689. we used to do together.

1690. You're just jealous

1691. you don't have the awesome

1692. new life that I have.

1693. You didn't even want

1694. to come here to YouTube

1695. and help me

1696. in the first place,

1697. and you're the one

1698. that uploaded this!

1699. And ever since

1700. we got in here,

1701. all you wanted to do

1702. is try to pick up

1703. on your stupid little

1704. Butt Massage Girl.

1705. Don't bring

1706. Butt Massage Girl into this.

1707. See that guy over there?

1708. That's my friend.

1709. - Oh!

1710. - Oh!

1711. My butt!

1712. Ha ha ha!

1713. Where did the microphone

1714. go, guys?

1715. Oh, it's really deep

1716. in there.

1717. That's my friend!

1718. This video's

1719. gonna go viral.

1720. Oh!

1721. [crowd yelling

1722. Can we get a doctor?

1723. That's my friend.

1724. That's the guy

1725. I cared about

1726. before he stopped liking

1727. cool stuff.

1728. People change, Ian.

1729. Get over it.

1730. Take my haircut,

1731. for instance.

1732. Okay—your haircut

1733. looks exactly the same

1734. as it did five years ago!

1735. Just 'cause you pay more

1736. for it

1737. doesn't make it

1738. a better haircut.

1739. Fight. Fight.

1740. Shut up, Diri!

1741. Stop! You're just

1742. gonna make this worse!

1743. - No—give it back, dude!

1744. - Stop! What—

1745. Oh... baby!

1746. - Oh!

1747. - Uhh!

1748. - Stop!

1749. - No!

1750. - Stop it!

1751. - You're a terrible friend!

1752. - No, you are!

1753. Huh?

1754. - No!

1755. God, what—

1756. - No—

1757. - No!

1758. Seriously, dude, no!

1759. No—ah!

1760. My mouth is full

1761. of rainbows!

1762. Wait—is that guy high?

1763. Tooth fairy's gonna

1764. make me rich!

1765. Oh, God, he just had

1766. his wisdom teeth taken out!

1767. Oh, God—

1768. Let go of the wheel!

1769. You're gonna get us killed!

1770. Let go—come on!

1771. I have 11 fingers!

1772. - Aah!

1773. - Aah!

1774. - Get off me!

1775. - Let go!

1776. Aw...

1777. Look at the cute

1778. little kitty!

1779. - Hey, little guy!

1780. Wait! B-b-bucket—

1781. Whoa—whoa...

1782. Whoa, whoa, whoa—

1783. Dude, seriously?

1784. Damn it!

1785. Sorry. Please don't hurt us.

1786. Aah!

1787. Okay,

1788. look, you're right.

1789. I have been a jerk

1790. lately.

1791. I know I should have

1792. come clean right away

1793. about the video, but...

1794. once I saw your reaction

1795. to it,

1796. I knew you'd be

1797. pissed.

1798. I screwed up.

1799. I'm sorry.

1800. (Diri) Why don't you guys

1801. make out already?

1802. Anthony, let's get

1803. out of here.

1804. - Screw this guy.

1805. - Diri, can you just shut up?

1806. Okaaaaay, graduates!

1807. Helloooo!

1808. Are we all having

1809. a good time tonight?

1810. Lame! We hate you.

1811. Okay.

1812. You know what?

1813. I'm gonna

1814. make this up to you.

1815. I got you into this mess,

1816. and I'm gonna get you out of it.

1817. Wait—where are you going?

1818. Let him go.

1819. It's just you and me

1820. now, Dreamy Eyes.

1821. What did you just call me?

1822. (Diri) You heard me,

1823. you sexy little bitch.

1824. (Mr. Ellis) Put your hands

1825. together for Anthony.

1826. Anthony Padillo!

1827. Give him a hand.

1828. Thanks, Mr. Ellis.

1829. You rock, Anthony.

1830. Is Magic Pocket Slave Monster

1831. the best song ever?

1832. Hey, you got up here

1833. really fast.

1834. I'm sorry, man.

1835. Ouch! Ow! Ow!

1836. What are you

1837. trying to do?

1838. I'm trying to knock you out

1839. so you don't embarrass

1840. yourself.

1841. Huh?

1842. Told you I don't

1843. go down that easy.

1844. - Here you go.

1845. - Thanks!

1846. Are you seeing

1847. what I'm seeing?

1848. Either I'm seeing

1849. what you're seeing,

1850. or somebody spiked

1851. the punch bowl with LSD.

1852. It's not. I made the punch,

1853. and I only spiked it

1854. with vodka.

1855. What should I do?

1856. Should I go up there

1857. and help him?

1858. That's what a good

1859. friend would do, I guess.

1860. You're right.

1861. How are you so tough

1862. to knock out, man?

1863. Is your head

1864. made of steel?

1865. Give it to him!

1866. Stop hitting

1867. my friend!

1868. Aah!

1869. Fight!

1870. Fight, fight, fight!

1871. Fight! Fight!

1872. Fight!

1873. Fight!

1874. Come on!

1875. Ian, look!

1876. We only have 5%

1877. power left.

1878. We have to get out

1879. of here.

1880. What about fixing the video?

1881. Forget it, it's too late.

1882. Diri, get us to

1883. the portal now.

1884. You said, "Is my Mom

1885. infertile?"

1886. Let me check on that for you.

1887. That's not what I said!

1888. You know that's not what I said.

1889. Damn it, Diri, this is not

1890. the time for games, okay?

1891. If we don't get back

1892. to that portal now,

1893. we're gonna be stuck here

1894. in YouTube forever.

1895. And you would just hate that,

1896. wouldn't you?

1897. Stuck in here with me

1898. for the rest of your life.

1899. Shut up, Diri,

1900. this isn't about you.

1901. You shut up, Ian.

1902. You have poisoned the mind

1903. of my dear Anthony.

1904. What is it with you guys?

1905. First, you idiots barge

1906. into my office off the street,

1907. asking for favors.

1908. I am gracious enough to listen,

1909. but then you won't even laugh

1910. at my wiener jokes, even though

1911. they are super funny.

1912. Wait.

1913. Steve—is that you?

1914. Uh... no, this is Diri.

1915. I'm just some computer software

1916. guiding you guys around.

1917. I'm definitely not

1918. Steve YouTube, whoever that is.

1919. I mean, I've heard

1920. of Steve YouTube, of course.

1921. His wiener comedy is legendary.

1922. Steve, dude, we know

1923. it's you, okay?

1924. All right, fine.

1925. It's me, Steve.

1926. YouTube—Steve YouTube.

1927. Too bad you didn't figure it out

1928. and hour ago,

1929. because now I've got you

1930. trapped.

1931. You're gonna live forever

1932. in YouTube,

1933. making jackasses of yourselves

1934. in videos.

1935. People love watching jackasses

1936. doing stupid things.

1937. It's our bread and butter

1938. here at YouTube.

1939. And now, you're mine forever.

1940. I knew that guy was a weirdo.

1941. You're the weirdo!

1942. We have to get back

1943. to that portal.

1944. Anna is waiting for me

1945. on the other side.

1946. Good luck trying to find

1947. the portal

1948. without me to lead you there.

1949. It's impossible.

1950. Hoo hoo hah hah hah!

1951. Hold on.

1952. Wait, I have an idea.

1953. What if we went into

1954. the viewing history

1955. and followed the videos

1956. backwards?

1957. That should lead us

1958. back to the portal, right?

1959. No, that won't work.

1960. I mean, that definitely won't

1961. work, I wouldn't even—

1962. don't even try that.

1963. We have to try the viewing

1964. history, it's the only chance

1965. we've got—come on!

1966. You are gonna regret this.

1967. You are messing with the wrong

1968. super successful billionaire.

1969. Oh!

1970. Found it.

1971. Let's go.

1972. Fine, you want to run from me?

1973. I'm up for the challenge.

1974. Here we go.

1975. That's not it.

1976. That's not it.

1977. Is that it?

1978. Oh—there it is.

1979. There it is.

1980. Let's do this.

1981. Jerks.

1982. All right.

1983. I gotta get my VR suit on.

1984. Oh!

1985. Shoot me—ow.

1986. My thigh.

1987. All right, I'm just gonna get

1988. my VR suit—oh, shoot.

1989. Hold on, guys.

1990. Guys—I just dropped my globe.

1991. I just got a little bit

1992. turned around, guys.

1993. Got it.

1994. Don't go anywhere.

1995. Oh, Jesus.

1996. There it is.

1997. My VR suit is in here.

1998. Soon as I put that on,

1999. you're dead.

2000. So I just gotta change

2001. out of these clothes,

2002. get my VR suit on,

2003. then I'm gonna need a zip.

2004. Janice?

2005. I'm gonna need a zip!

2006. I'm putting the VR suit on,

2007. and I'm gonna need a zip

2008. in a second.

2009. Whoa.

2010. Aw.

2011. Aw, look at the cute

2012. little whiskers.

2013. Jesus.

2014. Kaboom!

2015. - Shiny.

2016. - Oh, God!

2017. You boys can't escape

2018. Steve YouTube!

2019. Dude, quick, get us

2020. out of here now!

2021. I'm trying!

2022. Oh.

2023. Oh, what's happening?

2024. I think Steve's trying

2025. to delete our history.

2026. Delete, delete, delete, delete.

2027. - Ian?

2028. - Hold on, hold on.

2029. Okay, five seconds.

2030. Butt Massage Girl.

2031. I know you're not real,

2032. but I want you to know

2033. I'm going to find the real you

2034. once I get out of here.

2035. - Dude.

2036. - I promise you.

2037. Come on.

2038. And we're gonna fall

2039. in real love, okay?

2040. And maybe one day, I'll be

2041. the one to massage that booty.

2042. I'd like that very much, Ian.

2043. Hoo hoo hah hah hah!

2044. Hoo hoo hah hah hah!

2045. You idiots think you can

2046. get ride of me and YouTube?

2047. I am YouTube, literally.

2048. Hey, everybody.

2049. Or, the three people that

2050. actually watch my stupid vlogs.

2051. Tonight is graduation night.

2052. I love you, Anna,

2053. and we'll be together

2054. some day, I promise.

2055. If you want the best taste

2056. you've ever seen,

2057. go out and get yourself

2058. some Stone Cold Creamy Cream

2059. and that's the bottom—

2060. - Ooh!

2061. - Ugh.

2062. So sorry, Stone Cold

2063. Steve Austin.

2064. I love you too.

2065. And your ice cream name

2066. is really confusing.

2067. Stone Cold Stun her ass, man.

2068. I love that guy.

2069. Dude!

2070. Why was this video in your

2071. viewing history?

2072. Sickos.

2073. Get us—no, no!

2074. All right, look.

2075. All I'm saying is

2076. that if you're a guy,

2077. right, and you're—

2078. Aw, watch the furniture!

2079. Oh, hi, Jenna.

2080. I think it's so hot that there

2081. are two of you,

2082. and that you're never

2083. getting out of here,

2084. and that you're mine forever!

2085. Screw you, Steve.

2086. All right, you two.

2087. I think we've had enough fun

2088. for one day.

2089. Time to end this.

2090. There it is.

2091. Oh, shoot.

2092. Got it.

2093. Die, stupid humans, die.

2094. Oh, crap.

2095. Dude, what the hell

2096. happened?

2097. The video's buffering.

2098. Ugh, see?

2099. This is one of my pet peeves.

2100. It's 2014.

2101. Why is there still buffering?

2102. Why hasn't this issue just been

2103. resolved years ago?

2104. It's an issue with the

2105. bandwidth, it's complicated.

2106. Let me see what I can do.

2107. Janice?

2108. Are you streaming videos?

2109. Can you turn off your AOL

2110. for a second?

2111. I'm having buffering problems.

2112. Aw, man, you're making

2113. it worse.

2114. Don't get all bitchy with me.

2115. I was just about to get you guys

2116. with a chainsaw.

2117. No, you weren't.

2118. Yeah, we were just about to jump

2119. to the next video,

2120. there's no way you would have

2121. gotten us in time.

2122. Wait until this thing

2123. stops buffering,

2124. and I will show you jerks.

2125. And still no one cares

2126. this gorilla

2127. can operate a chainsaw.

2128. Awesome!

2129. That's it.

2130. I'm coming in after you jerks.

2131. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

2132. Ha ha ha!

2133. Dude, the portal!

2134. Come on!

2135. - We're gonna make it.

2136. - Oh, are you?

2137. Steve, it's over,

2138. just let us pass.

2139. Nothing's over till I say

2140. it's over.

2141. I'm Steve.

2142. YouTube—I'm Steve YouTube.

2143. I win, you lose!

2144. Maybe if you two weren't so

2145. great at making complete

2146. jackasses out of yourselves,

2147. I wouldn't have even

2148. wanted you so bad.

2149. We were so close.

2150. You were so easy to manipulate,

2151. Backflip Microphone Guy.

2152. Steve, look behind you.

2153. No.

2154. Not gonna fall for that one.

2155. He's serious.

2156. Steve, listen!

2157. No, you listen.

2158. Aah!

2159. - Oh!

2160. - Oh, my—holy—

2161. Oh, my—holy—

2162. Oh!

2163. The bear!

2164. - Oh, my God!

2165. - Oh!

2166. Oh, my...

2167. What the fudd—oh!

2168. God!

2169. Come on, dude, we gotta go.

2170. - Aah!

2171. - Aah!

2172. Oh!

2173. We made it.

2174. We made it, man.

2175. Aw, man.

2176. That was a close one.

2177. He almost had us.

2178. Stranger danger, bro.

2179. Sometimes we forget.

2180. It was my fault,

2181. and I never should have

2182. made us go in there

2183. in the first place.

2184. It wasn't worth

2185. almost losing

2186. my hetero life partner over.

2187. What?

2188. You'd never lose me.

2189. And I'm sorry I was

2190. such a dick.

2191. It'll never happen again.

2192. All right?

2193. B...

2194. - F.

2195. - F.

2196. BFFs.

2197. - Burnt French fries.

2198. - What?

2199. Dude, that's not

2200. what that means.

2201. - It's not?

2202. - No.

2203. Big fat feet?

2204. No, that's—that—you're

2205. not even close, dude.

2206. Oh!

2207. Aw!

2208. Oh, I've got it.

2209. Booger flicking friends.

2210. No.

2211. Hey, it's them.

2212. Ma'am, I'm really sorry,

2213. but we had to let

2214. that bear eat Steve.

2215. He was kind of a dick.

2216. Run!

2217. What the hell are you

2218. talking about?

2219. Whoa!

2220. Aah!

2221. Come on!

2222. Ah!

2223. It's only, uh...

2224. 6:19, so we still

2225. have time

2226. to go home, change,

2227. and make the reunion.

2228. Where's your car?

2229. Uh, it—

2230. it was right there.

2231. It must have gotten

2232. towed.

2233. - Yeah, great.

2234. You are the worst

2235. at parking.

2236. Uh, why are we stopped here?

2237. This isn't our house.

2238. Uh, yeah it is, man, it says

2239. right there on the mailbox,

2240. 91 Gerard Way.

2241. What?

2242. This is our address.

2243. Hello?

2244. Leave the door open

2245. in case we have to run.

2246. And grab something

2247. really sharp.

2248. Ah.

2249. Yeah.

2250. That's literally

2251. the opposite of sharp.

2252. There you are!

2253. Why aren't you dressed?

2254. You're gonna be late

2255. for the reunion.

2256. Butt Massage Girl?

2257. What are you doing here?

2258. For the last time,

2259. you're my boyfriend,

2260. and you should call me

2261. by my real name, which is—

2262. Shh!

2263. I'm your boyfriend?

2264. She's real, dude.

2265. Ian, did you

2266. hit your head?

2267. Wait, if this is our house,

2268. where'd we get the money?

2269. Are you serious?

2270. The Clone Fight video.

2271. What?

2272. Oh, my God.

2273. Are you guys on drugs?

2274. I'm drunk in love.

2275. This video of you guys

2276. became the biggest YouTube video

2277. of all time,

2278. Then you got the TV show,

2279. then you met the President,

2280. then you made the movie,

2281. and now there's even

2282. Clone Fight Ruins Grad Night

2283. on Broadway.

2284. Broadway—that's always

2285. been my dream.

2286. - We did it, man.

2287. - Yeah.

2288. We changed our entire lives

2289. with that single video.

2290. And I'm your boyfriend.

2291. Like, for real,

2292. that's not a joke?

2293. It's not a joke.

2294. Wait, that means Anna—

2295. that means Anna's here

2296. too, right?

2297. Anna!

2298. Anna, where are you?

2299. Who's Anna?

2300. My girlfriend,

2301. Anna Reed.

2302. You don't have

2303. a girlfriend.

2304. I don't?

2305. You have like, 30.

2306. - Nice!

2307. - Oh, my God, these—

2308. These are all my girlfriends?

2309. This is not a joke?

2310. These are all for me?

2311. These are all—

2312. Oh, my God, these are all

2313. my girlfriends.

2314. You're all my girl—

2315. you're my—

2316. You're my girlfr—

2317. You're my girlfriend?

2318. - Oh, my God!

2319. - They're your girlfriends!

2320. Wait, is Anna one of—

2321. Is Anna—

2322. Anna? Anna, are you—

2323. are you one of them? Anna?

2324. Uh, I don't think

2325. there's an Anna in there,

2326. but your girlfriends

2327. don't usually talk to me.

2328. They're just

2329. super-hot bimbos.

2330. Nice.

2331. Wait, I'm sorry,

2332. I can't do this.

2333. Anna's the only one I want.

2334. I'm sorry, girls.

2335. I'm sorry.

2336. - I'm sorry.

2337. - Bye.

2338. The reunion.

2339. I can still see Anna

2340. at the reunion,

2341. and I'm like, cool now,

2342. like, actually cool.

2343. And rich.

2344. And famous.

2345. Let's go.

2346. Hi, boys.

2347. Don't forget your tuxedos.

2348. Man!

2349. We're rich and famous

2350. but we still live

2351. with my parents?

2352. Of course not,

2353. don't be ridiculous.

2354. No, we live with you.

2355. Sweet.

2356. Wait, who are these guys?

2357. They're our butlers.

2358. Uh-huh, yeah.

2359. Oh, this is your personal

2360. hair stylist.

2361. How much does she charge

2362. for a haircut?

2363. My asking price is $75.

2364. Make it $85 and you've

2365. got yourself a deal.

2366. - Oh, that must be the pizza.

2367. Pizza?

2368. Bavooki's Pizza.

2369. Aah!

2370. Oh.

2371. Awesome kick, bro. Wow.

2372. Hold on, you're Steve YouTube,

2373. right?

2374. It's pronounced

2375. "You-too-bay."

2376. But you're the CEO

2377. of YouTube.

2378. No, I'm not.

2379. I do food distribution

2380. for a multi-million dollar

2381. company.

2382. Hmm. Wonder who

2383. the CEO of YouTube is now.

2384. I don't give a shit what

2385. Julian Twitter said.

2386. Julian Twitter's

2387. - a little bitch!

2388. - Yes, ma'am.

2389. Hey, you can tell

2390. Joey Amazon

2391. that I ordered my scrunchies

2392. two weeks ago.

2393. - Sorry, ma'am.

2394. - Next day shipping, my ass!

2395. I am so sorry

2396. for all the trouble,

2397. Mr. Pizza Delivery Man.

2398. Here's a really big tip for you.

2399. Oh, well,

2400. thank you so much,

2401. and I actually have

2402. a really big tip for you, too.

2403. - You do?

2404. - I do.

2405. It's actually

2406. right inside this pizza box.

2407. - Okay.

2408. - No, Mom, don't look! Don't—

2409. - Oh.

2410. - Yeah.

2411. That's funny.

2412. Funny.

2413. Yeah, I think it's time

2414. for you to go now.

2415. Well, enjoy your pizza.

2416. I'm the best!

2417. "Steve "You-too-bay," out!

2418. Okay.

2419. Well, he seemed lovely.

2420. I gotta say, rich or poor,

2421. that man really does

2422. commit to the wiener joke.

2423. You have to respect that

2424. on some level.

2425. Oh, our limo's here.

2426. Oh, well I guess we better

2427. get dressed then.

2428. - Mm, mm, yes,

2429. Alfred, please fetch us

2430. your finest wares.

2431. Yes, Alfred,

2432. get me my tuxedo.

2433. My name is Frank.

2434. Ta-ta, gov'ner.

2435. Our accents are so good.

2436. Alfredo, can you fetch me

2437. some quesadillas?

2438. - Ah, ha ha ha.

2439. - Alfredo.

2440. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

2441. oh, oh, oh!

2442. Ladies and gentlemen,

2443. please give a warm

2444. Rockville High "welcome back"

2445. to our rich and famous

2446. alumni...

2447. - Get off the stage!

2448. - Ian Hecox and Anthony Padilla!

2449. Yeah.

2450. What's up?

2451. - Yo, yo.

2452. - Yo, good to see you.

2453. Good to see you.

2454. Good to see you guys.

2455. Get outta here, Moss.

2456. Bros!

2457. So great to have you here.

2458. So great!

2459. Thanks.

2460. Anything you need,

2461. just let me know.

2462. I'm emceeing

2463. this little shindig.

2464. We got a free taco bar

2465. over there,

2466. so help yourself

2467. to whatever.

2468. - Thanks, Mr. Ellis.

2469. - Yeah. Yeah.

2470. Nice!

2471. Tonight is gonna rock.

2472. Yeah.

2473. It's gonna rock balls!

2474. Whoo!

2475. Anna's here.

2476. Go get her, man.

2477. Go on.

2478. Um, Butt Massage Girl and I are

2479. gonna go start on that taco bar.

2480. Hey, Anna.

2481. What's up?

2482. Oh.

2483. Anthony.

2484. Yeah, it's me.

2485. I didn't think I'd see you

2486. here tonight.

2487. Why not?

2488. You know, you're

2489. rich and famous now.

2490. Figured you'd have

2491. better things to do.

2492. Well, I mean, yeah,

2493. I do have a ton of cool,

2494. rich, expensive stuff

2495. I could be doing,

2496. but wanted to show up

2497. and see you.

2498. Me?

2499. Why?

2500. Um—

2501. Well, because I wanted to tell

2502. you that I love you too.

2503. You came here to tell me

2504. you love YouTube?

2505. No, no, no, no,

2506. I love you also.

2507. I know you love me,

2508. and I love you,

2509. and I've loved you ever since

2510. the first time I saw you.

2511. Hold on.

2512. Love you?

2513. Yeah, I saw your—

2514. I saw your vlog, you love me.

2515. Anthony, that was

2516. a long time ago.

2517. You were a different

2518. guy then.

2519. - Yeah, I was a loser.

2520. But I'm not anymore.

2521. No.

2522. You were never a loser.

2523. You were just...

2524. weird and quirky

2525. and only showered,

2526. like, once a week,

2527. but I liked that about you.

2528. It was like you had

2529. better things

2530. to worry about

2531. than your looks

2532. and basic hygiene.

2533. And now, you're like a guy

2534. who would spend

2535. $80 on a haircut.

2536. Look, I'm still the same guy,

2537. I swear.

2538. Anthony,

2539. you're wearing a tuxedo.

2540. I wore this tux 'cause I thought

2541. it's what you wanted.

2542. I'm sorry.

2543. It's just not.

2544. Mmm. I don't know why

2545. I'm eating tacos.

2546. They go straight to

2547. my butt.

2548. Oh, really?

2549. Yeah, that's horrible, right?

2550. Terrible.

2551. Hey.

2552. So?

2553. How'd it go?

2554. Well... I blew it.

2555. What?

2556. Yeah, she liked the old me,

2557. the loser me.

2558. Mm.

2559. I'm sorry, man, I dragged you

2560. through all this for nothing.

2561. Hold on, man.

2562. You made my dreams come true.

2563. Look, I am dating

2564. Butt Massage Girl.

2565. - I have a name, you know.

2566. - N-n-n—don't.

2567. Don't ruin the moment.

2568. Yes, we're rich and famous,

2569. but the real you

2570. is still in there,

2571. just as stupid as ever.

2572. And, on a long enough

2573. timeline,

2574. all $85 haircuts become

2575. $10 haircuts

2576. if you let them grow out

2577. long enough.

2578. You're right.

2579. Of course I'm right.

2580. I'm always right, right?

2581. - You're always right.

2582. - Yeah.

2583. You can do this, Anthony.

2584. Yeah.

2585. Yeah.

2586. Who here loves

2587. The Deadmau5?

2588. - Boom.

2589. Ladies and gentlemen,

2590. our rich and famous alumni,

2591. Anthony Padilla,

2592. has a song he'd

2593. like to perform,

2594. and since he's rich

2595. and famous,

2596. I'm gonna allow him to do

2597. whatever he wants here tonight.

2598. Let's get ready to rock balls

2599. to Magic Pocket Slave Monsters!

2600. - Yeah!

2601. - Whoo!

2602. That's my friend up there.

2603. That's his friend.

2604. This song goes out

2605. to a very special lady

2606. out here in the crowd

2607. tonight.

2608. (Ian)

2609. You rock, Anthony!

2610. (man)

2611. Take it off! Take it off!

2612. Hit it, Mr. Ellis.

2613. - Whoa!

2614. I did the flip.

2615. - He did the flip.

2616. - He did the flip!

2617. I did the flip!

2618. You should be up there

2619. with him.

2620. You're right.

2621. Rock balls!

2622. (both) ♪ You'd better fight

2623. You're crazy.

2624. See, I told you.

2625. How do I know this is real?

2626. How do I know

2627. you're not just showing me

2628. what I want to see?

2629. Well, you're just gonna

2630. have to trust me, Anna.

2631. Wh—wh—whoa!

2632. Aah!

2633. Dude, I think he's

2634. gonna be okay.

2635. Wh—wh—whoa!

2636. Oh!

2637. Nope, he's dead.

2638. Oh, my God, call the police!

2639. It really is you.

2640. I'll never pay more than $10

2641. for a haircut again.

2642. Promise?

2643. Oh!

2644. Oh!

2645. - I'm so proud of you.

2646. - Wasn't I so good?

2647. - You were so good.

2648. - I'm so good at dancing.

2649. You were so good.

2650. Anna Reed's in the house,

2651. y'all!

2652. Hi, I'm Anna.

2653. Nice to meet you.

2654. My name's Brad.

2655. What the fuck?

2656. Okay, do it again.

2657. And...

2658. Bleah!

2659. M.C. Hammer time.

2660. And, action!

2661. Cut. Get that mask off.

2662. Yeah, yeah, my nipples are

2663. a little hard right now.

2664. Puttin' in a few hours

2665. at the gym.

2666. I'll be the CEO of Pizza Co.,

2667. rollin' in the dough.

2668. Yeah.

2669. Yeah, that was a pun.

2670. CEO Anthony.

2671. Right from the top rope.

2672. Damn, I've never done it

2673. in the top rope, that's why I'm

2674. having a hard time with that.

2675. - All right, here we go.

2676. - And...

2677. - Oh! I'm giving birth!

2678. - Aah!

2679. - I'm giving birth!

2680. - Oh!

2681. That was really early.

2682. Who's gonna watch me enslave

2683. all these cute, adorable,

2684. fuzzy creaters?

2685. I said "creaters."

2686. What's a creater?

2687. Cut.

2688. Just do the other guy's line—

2689. do Ian's line?

2690. (man)

2691. Yeah.

2692. "The other guy"?

2693. - Sorry.

2694. - "The other guy"?

2695. (director) It slipped out.

2696. It slipped out.

2697. I'm out.

2698. - You're the other guy.

2699. - I'm the other guy.

2700. I'm "the guy" and he's

2701. "the other guy."

2702. Yeah.

2703. I have a raging boner

2704. right now.

2705. Me too.

2706. I love you.

2707. I love you too.

2708. It's okay.

2709. It's okay.

2710. - It's okay.

2711. It's okay.

2712. Let's go, that's fine.

2713. - Let's go, let's go.

2714. Well.