- 1. "Here, of course, it is the same,
apparently, without rational explanation.
- 2. "But it's quite easy, when you
come to think of it logically, in fact.
- 3. "Doctor Grayson was never in London
at the time of the murder.
- 4. "In fact, the good doctor stayed
at a small hotel in Melksham
- 5. "on the night in question
- 6. "and then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train,
- 7. "disguised as
Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,
- 8. "making sure his arrival
was noted by the ticket inspector.
- 9. "From then on,
his plan was simplicity itself.
- 10. "Knowing it was Burton's day off,
- 11. "he had no difficulty
in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved
- 12. "and murdering Sir Mortimer
with the arrow from the astrolabe,
- 13. "which he had previously sharpened
on the stone-knife grinder
- 14. "by the scullery window.
- 15. "Remember my query
about brass knives, at the time?
- 16. "I was worried
about those metal shavings. "
- 17. "By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.
You don't miss a trick,
- 18. "but since you appear to know so much,
sir," continued the Inspector, humbly,
- 19. "I wonder if you could explain just
how the murderer managed
- 20. "to leave the body of his victim
in the middle of the tennis court
- 21. "and effect his escape without leaving
any tracks behind him in the red dust.
- 22. "Frankly, sir, we in the police force
are just plain baffled. "
- 23. St John Lord Merridew,
the great detective, rose majestically,
- 24. his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
- 25. Slowly he brushed the crumbs
of seedy cake
- 26. from the folds
of his pendulous waistcoat.
- 27. "The police may be baffled, Inspector,"
- 28. "but Merridew is not. "
- 29. "Thirty years ago, the murderer,
- 30. "was a prominent member
of the Ballet Russe,
- 31. "dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
- 32. "Though the years had altered
his appearance somewhat,
- 33. "yet his old skill had not deserted him.
- 34. "He carried the body
to the centre of the court,
- 35. "walking on his points
- 36. "along the white tape
which separated the service boxes
- 37. "and from there
he threw it seven feet into the court,
- 38. "close to the base line,
where it was found,
- 39. "and then,
with a neatly executed fouetté,
- 40. "he faced about
and went back the way he had come,
- 41. "thus leaving no traces.
- 42. "And that, Inspector,
is Merridew's solution. "
- 43. Hello?
- 44. Are you there?
- 45. Mr Wyke?
- 46. Mr Wyke?
- 47. - Who's there?
- It's me, Milo Tindle.
- 48. I think you're expecting me.
- 49. Yes indeed, so good of you to come.
Won't you join me?
- 50. Well, I have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
- 51. Here we are.
- 52. Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
I designed it myself.
- 53. Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
- 54. I must say
you're not an easy man to drop in on.
- 55. Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
I'm Andrew Wyke.
- 56. - Welcome to Cloak Manor.
- Thank you.
- 57. I found your note when I came down
from London this afternoon.
- 58. Oh, good, yes.
I hoped you'd be here this weekend,
- 59. so I pushed it through your letter box
a little earlier today.
- 60. Well, now, what will you have to drink?
- 61. - Vodka and tonic, please.
- Of course.
- 62. How are you settling in here
at Laundry Cottage?
- 63. Very well, thank you.
- 64. Using it for weekends
and that sort of thing?
- 65. Yes, that sort of thing.
- 66. Vodka,
I don't seem to have any out here. Is...
- 67. - Gin will do.
- 68. Yes, a charming little place,
- 69. Ideal for relaxations of all kinds.
- 70. Unfortunately,
I don't have time for them myself.
- 71. As a matter of fact,
- 72. I've just dictated the dénouement
of my new book,
- 73. Death by Double-Fault.
- 74. I must say it's gone extremely well.
- 75. Now then, soda, soda, soda...
- 76. Dear.
- 77. I don't seem to have
any tonic here either, it's awful.
- 78. - Here, shall we go indoors?
- Whatever you like.
- 79. Good.
- 80. Tell me,
do you agree that the detective story
- 81. is the normal recreation
of noble minds?
- 82. I'm afraid I don't know
very much about noble minds.
- 83. Is it supposed to be?
- 84. I'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
a biographer of the '30s.
- 85. The golden age
when every cabinet minister
- 86. had a thriller by his bedside
and all detectives were titled.
- 87. - Before your time, I expect.
- Somewhat. Let me carry that.
- 88. Thank you so much. Very good of you.
- 89. Yet, you know, even today,
I still set my works among the gentry
- 90. and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them
- 91. in spite of our classless society.
- 92. I imagine they do a great deal
of your stuff on television.
- 93. God forbid, I'd never permit it.
And, incidentally, it's not "stuff".
- 94. No,
television is not my line of country at all.
- 95. That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
- 96. And therefore,
no recreation for noble minds?
- 97. You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if I may so address you.
- 98. You might as well, we're all on
first name terms these days, Andrew.
- 99. Of course we are, and you and I
do need to be friendly, do we not?
- 100. How would you like your drink?
- 101. With ice?
- 102. Yes, please.
- 103. What does he do?
- 104. That's Jolly Jack Tar, the Jovial Sailor.
- 105. He and I
have a really splendid relationship.
- 106. I make the jokes and he laughs at them.
- 107. Here, mein freund,
put that behind your necktie.
- 108. - He didn't laugh.
- No, he wasn't meant to.
- 109. - I thought you were trying to be funny.
- No, you'll know it when I am.
- 110. I see.
- 111. - Cheers.
- 112. - What's this?
- That is an intensely complicated
- 113. 4th Dynasty blocking game,
- 114. I've been studying the thing for months,
but I'm still only a beginner.
- 115. I wonder if you'd mind putting that back.
- 116. It's taken me rather a long time
to get it there.
- 117. That's the centre column,
fourth from your right.
- 118. Well, now,
I understand you want to marry my wife.
- 119. Forgive me raising the matter,
- 120. but as Marguerite is away for a few days
in the North, visiting relatives,
- 121. I thought this might be
an appropriate moment for you and me
- 122. to have a little chat.
- 123. I see.
- 124. Well, is it true?
- 125. - Yes, with your permission, of course.
- Why not?
- 126. You seem to be a personable enough
young man, nicely spoken,
- 127. neatly dressed in brand new
country gentlemen's clothing.
- 128. I'm sure you won't mind me
asking you a few questions
- 129. about your background, parents,
and so forth.
- 130. My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
- 131. and my father is an Italian, who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
- 132. - In the '30s? Is he Jewish?
- No, Catholic, very devout.
- 133. Of course,
I'm not religious at all myself.
- 134. My dear boy,
you don't have to excuse yourself to me.
- 135. We're all liberals here.
I have no prejudice against Catholics.
- 136. Not even the lapsed Catholics.
- 137. In fact some of my best friends
are lapsed Catholic.
- 138. Tell me about your father,
was his name Tindle, too?
- 139. No, his name was Tindolini,
- 140. but if you had a name like that
in those days
- 141. you had to "make-a the ice-a cream-a".
- 142. He was a watchmaker
and he wanted us to become English,
- 143. - so he changed it.
- Become English?
- 144. - Was he a successful man?
- No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't.
- 145. You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
- 146. He went broke in the end.
I always told him he would.
- 147. That must make him
something of a burden to you.
- 148. Yeah, it does a bit.
- 149. He never went back, you see.
- 150. He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
- 151. And you, what do you do?
- 152. Don't you know?
- 153. I have a hair dressing salon
in South Kensington.
- 154. Casa Tindolini.
- 155. You can use that word these days,
- 156. People don't take it
for an ice cream salon?
- 157. No, the birds... The ladies seem to like
the continental touch.
- 158. - English too wholesome for them, eh?
- Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see?
- 159. We found that it pays
to provide the Latin lover atmosphere.
- 160. Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker
in the Brighton shop,
- 161. they're less sophisticated down there.
- 162. I mean to say, in London,
half of them have actually got...
- 163. Latin lovers?
- 164. And where do you live?
Above, behind or below your shop?
- 165. I lease a mews house nearby.
It's convenient and attractive.
- 166. It's Georgian, actually.
- 167. From Genoa to Georgian
in a single generation, eh?
- 168. Not bad.
- 169. But I doubt whether an 18th century
architectural gem in South Kensington
- 170. whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
- 171. She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
- 172. I understood she was already living in it,
once or twice a week at least.
- 173. I'm not mistaken, am I?
- 174. And that your motive
in renting the cottage down here
- 175. was to increase the incidence
of this bi-weekly coupling.
- 176. Is that what you've asked me over here
to chat about?
- 177. Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
- 178. If I choose to say
that my wife converses like a child of six
- 179. and makes love like an extinct shellfish,
- 180. And I don't need to ask
her lover's permission to do so either!
- 181. - Thank you for the drink.
- Oh, now, now.
- 182. I thought you were
brought up in England.
- 183. Surely you know
it's not done to be rude.
- 184. You were being rude
about a woman I'm in love with.
- 185. On the contrary,
I was reminiscing about my wife.
- 186. - It comes to the same thing.
- Things mostly do, you know.
- 187. I'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you
who'll be being rude about Marguerite
- 188. and I will be being rhapsodic,
- 189. and have quite forgotten
how intolerably tiresome,
- 190. vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent
and generally bloody crafty she really is!
- 191. Can you afford
to take her off my hands?
- 192. - Afford to?
- Support her in the style
- 193. to which she was not accustomed
before she met me, but now is?
- 194. Well, I'm not a millionaire,
but I'm not starving either.
- 195. The shop in London's doing all right,
- 196. the one in Brighton's
almost breaking even.
- 197. - By this time next year...
- This year, next year, sometime, never.
- 198. What you're really saying is
that, at present, you're skint.
- 199. - We'll survive.
- Survival is scarcely the point.
- 200. Presumably,
when you're married to Marguerite,
- 201. you'll want a place on the Riviera,
a fast car, couple of mistresses.
- 202. Presumably?
Just because you need those things?
- 203. Oh, no, just this fading mansion,
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
- 204. and only one mistress, I'm afraid.
- 205. Tea, the Finnish bird,
who runs the sauna in Salisbury.
- 206. You know about Tea, do you?
- 207. Marguerite and I have no secrets
from each other.
- 208. Not even mine, it seems.
- 209. Tea is a Grelian goddess.
- 210. Her golden hair smells of pine
- 211. and her cobalt eyes are
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
- 212. I hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde
- 213. with all the sex appeal
of a second-hand jeep.
- 214. Not so, dear boy,
you can take it from me.
- 215. Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
- 216. Mind you,
she takes a bit of keeping up with.
- 217. It's a good thing I am pretty much
of an Olympic sexual athlete.
- 218. Yes, I suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints
- 219. than on the long distance stuff.
- 220. Not so, dear boy,
I'm in the pink of condition.
- 221. I could copulate for England
at any distance.
- 222. Red.
- 223. Well, as they say in the Olympics,
- 224. "It's not the winning,
it's the taking-part that counts. "
- 225. Are you going to marry her?
- 226. Oh, no, no, no.
I just want to live with her.
- 227. So, what's stopping you?
- 228. Basically,
the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd,
- 229. whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
- 230. Now, now, don't be so innocent.
- 231. Those nicotine stained
- 232. have been camping outside Tea's flat
for the last week.
- 233. It was an insurance policy
- 234. to keep you from changing your mind
about the divorce.
- 235. How did you know
I wasn't having you watched?
- 236. Why not?
Afraid of what you might find out?
- 237. - Or didn't you think that was possible?
- Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
- 238. Of course I knew
that they'd find you and Marguerite
- 239. rutting away like crazed weasels,
- 240. but why should I pay good money
to have something confirmed
- 241. which I'd known for months?
- 242. Black.
- 243. And, if you knew,
why didn't you do something about it?
- 244. Of course, I had to assure myself
- 245. that you and Marguerite
were going to be a fixture.
- 246. You see,
I want to lose the dear girl for life.
- 247. Not just a two week Tindolini perm,
set and touch-up.
- 248. - Good shot.
- Yes, it was. Yellow.
- 249. You see,
you don't know her as well as I do.
- 250. You think you do, but you don't.
- 251. If you fail her, by which I mean
cancelling the account at Harrods,
- 252. or short-changing her on winter
- 253. she'll be back to me in a jiffy,
mewing for support.
- 254. And guilty wife or no,
she may be entitled to get it.
- 255. - Green.
- Money isn't everything.
- 256. And what if she is used to luxury?
Whose fault is that?
- 257. It's not a fault, if you can afford it,
but can you?
- 258. Knowing you to be hard up. Brown.
- 259. Has she shown any signs
of mending her ways
- 260. in these last idyllic three months?
- 261. Blue.
- 262. When, for instance,
did she last turn down
- 263. a Dom Perignon in favour of,
no offence, mind you,
- 264. the persuasive charms of Dago Red?
- 265. Black.
- 266. No, I'm not joking.
- 267. How much has this brief liaison
cost you, so far?
- 268. And that old dad of yours in Soho,
when did you last send him any money?
- 269. We have talked about money.
Often, I've told her we spend too much.
- 270. She takes no notice?
- 271. None.
- 272. A silvery laugh,
a coquettish turn of the head.
- 273. Something like that.
- 274. Well, it's to solve this little problem
that I've invited you around here tonight
- 275. and this, as they say,
is where the plot thickens.
- 276. What plot?
- 277. Whatever are you doing
with that cue in your hands?
- 278. - I was waiting for you to miss.
- Foolish boy.
- 279. Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
- 280. there was an Englishman
called Andrew Wyke,
- 281. who, in common
with most of his countrymen,
- 282. was virtually castrated by taxation.
To avoid total emasculation
- 283. his accountants advised him
to put a considerable part of his money,
- 284. some £250,000, into jewellery.
- 285. His wife, of course, was delighted.
- 286. Marguerite never told me
that you had given her any jewellery.
- 287. Nor did I, of course, it's still mine,
as well she knows.
- 288. We just thought it would be
more amusing for her to wear it
- 289. than for me to bank it.
After all, it's fully insured.
- 290. I see what you mean
by the plot thickening.
- 291. I'm glad you follow me so readily.
- 292. You see,
I want you to steal that jewellery.
- 293. Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away,
it's an admirable opportunity.
- 294. What about the servants?
- 295. I've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away
to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle.
- 296. They won't be back till Sunday night,
so, you see, the house is empty.
- 297. Cheers.
- 298. Well, what do you say?
- 299. - It sounds distinctly criminal.
- Well, of course it's criminal.
- 300. All good moneymaking schemes
in England have to be these days.
- 301. Now, the jewellery,
when it's not in the bank,
- 302. lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
- 303. Where, for instance,
would you look for it?
- 304. A good likeness, would you say?
Of course, it's 17... No, 18 years ago.
- 305. I don't think
you'd hide your safe behind it.
- 306. I've seen that in too many movies.
- 307. Good thinking! All right, then where?
Are you up to finding it?
- 308. There are certain skills
best acquired in public bars, I suppose.
- 309. - But whatever made you think?
- You and your games.
- 310. That is the only game in this room.
- 311. Very clever.
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
- 312. All you have to do is steal them,
sell them abroad,
- 313. and live happily ever after
- 314. AII I have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
- 315. Is that what you asked me over to hear?
- 316. A grotty little plot
to defraud the insurance company?
- 317. I'm sorry you found the plot grotty.
- 318. Personally, I thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
- 319. Look,
supposing I do as you say and nick...
- 320. Steal the jewels.
If I sell them under my own name,
- 321. I'll get picked up
the moment you report the loss.
- 322. If I sell them to a fence,
always presuming I could find one,
- 323. he'd carve me up,
I'd get a fraction of their value.
- 324. - Not with the fences I know.
- What fences would you know?
- 325. The finest in Europe.
Prudent, yet prodigal.
- 326. I first met them when I was researching
- 327. for The Deadly Affair
of the Druce Diamond.
- 328. Surely you've read it.
- 329. Pity. It was an absolute corker.
- 330. In any case, on your behalf,
- 331. I have already contacted
a certain gentleman in Amsterdam.
- 332. He'll treat you very well.
- 333. You won't get the full amount
for the jewels, of course,
- 334. but you'll get about two-thirds,
- 335. You'll get it in cash.
- 336. - A hundred and seventy thousand quid?
- 337. Why should this fellow pay so much?
- 338. Because he will get
what no fence ever gets,
- 339. title to the jewels.
- 340. You see,
in addition to stealing the jewels,
- 341. you have also to take the receipts
I got for them.
- 342. Now, what does
my insurance company discover
- 343. as it swings ponderously into action,
antennae pulsing with suspicion?
- 344. It discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke
- 345. sold the jewels for £170,000 cash,
but they still have to pay me.
- 346. Hard cheese!
- 347. Think it over. Take your time.
- 348. Look, I know this sounds stupid,
but have you had any experience?
- 349. I mean, have you ever
actually committed a crime before?
- 350. St John Lord Merridew
would have a pretty lean time of it
- 351. if I didn't think up any crimes
for him to solve.
- 352. St John Lord who?
- 353. - You're joking.
- What about?
- 354. Who is St John Lord Merridew?
- 355. Why, even Marguerite,
when I first met her,
- 356. knew and adored him.
- 357. He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilised world.
- 358. With a nose for smelling out evil
superior to anything on the force.
- 359. Oh, yes.
- 360. The police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they?
- 361. They never solve anything.
- 362. It's always the amateur sleuth
who knows what's going on.
- 363. But that's detective fiction.
This is fact, this is real.
- 364. I'm well aware of the difference,
my dear Milo,
- 365. but I'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
- 366. Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me...
- 367. I'm not sure that I do.
- 368. That's why it's a very difficult decision
- 369. Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
- 370. You have an expensive woman
and no money.
- 371. Yeah, but why don't you
steal the bloody jewels
- 372. and simply hand them over to me?
- 373. I should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look real.
- 374. This house has actually
to be broken into.
- 375. Then why don't you break into it?
- 376. It's a question of agility for one thing,
- 377. Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour.
- 378. Let me handle this,
you know what I mean?
- 379. Crime is my bag. I got this caper
all worked out to the last detail.
- 380. £170,000.
- 381. Cash, tax free.
- 382. It'd take an awful lot
of Tindolini's tonsorial teasing
- 383. to raise that kind of money.
- 384. All right, I'll do it.
- 385. - Where do you want me to break in?
- Oh, no, no. Not so fast.
- 386. - You've got to get disguised first.
- What for?
- 387. Well, suppose somebody saw you
- 388. Here? In the middle of nowhere?
- 389. I could hardly find this place
with a bloody map!
- 390. You never know.
- 391. A dallying couple,
a passing sheep rapist.
- 392. Besides, dear boy,
don't forget the clues we've got to leave
- 393. for the police
and the insurance company.
- 394. We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds,
- 395. or your coat button
snagged on the window sill.
- 396. No, no, no! You must be disguised!
- 397. All right, how?
- 398. Please to follow me, number one son.
- 399. You know, my dear Milo,
- 400. in the good old days, before television,
- 401. people constructed the pleasures of life
- 402. They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
- 403. They didn't just sit and stare.
- 404. Why, in this house
there was scarcely a weekend
- 405. without its treasure hunts, charades,
- 406. games of infinite variety,
make up and dress up.
- 407. There was virtually no end
to the concealment of identity,
- 408. but surely Marguerite has told you.
- 409. Actually, she never mentioned it.
- 410. It was all some time ago.
- 411. A few scenes from some of my books,
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
- 412. The necrophilic barber
of Tunbridge Wells
- 413. and the doltish pie poisoner
from the Simple Simon murders.
- 414. And here's my favourite.
Now, this really is ingenious...
- 415. Andrew, we were looking for a disguise.
- 416. Quite so, dear boy, so we were.
- 417. Now, here we are,
the old dressing up basket,
- 418. our old treasure chest of make-believe.
Let's see what we've got.
- 419. This should suit. Item, one black face
mask, one black flat cap,
- 420. a striped jersey
and a bag marked "swag".
- 421. Why not a neon sign
with "burglar" on it?
- 422. You may have a point.
- 423. One of my favourites,
the ecclesiastical house breaker,
- 424. Brother Lightfingers.
- 425. Perhaps we shall never know
the identity of the cowled figure
- 426. seen haunting the grounds
of the old Manor House
- 427. on the night of the terrible murder.
- 428. If living identity had happened.
- 429. There are those to this day
who claim to hear
- 430. the agonised screams of the victim
- 431. echoing through the chimney pots!
- 432. For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about!
- 433. Haven't you just got
an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat
- 434. and a sock I can pull over my head?
- 435. Old pair of sneakers and a sock?
Milo, where's your sense of style?
- 436. We must give our crime
the true sparkle of the '30s,
- 437. a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
- 438. Don't you feel the need
to give your old arch enemy,
- 439. Inspector Plodder, of the Yard,
a run for his money?
- 440. Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you.
- 441. A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots
- 442. and all the snuff you could want.
- 443. Groovy!
- 444. Look,
I might even do the whole thing in drag.
- 445. Kiss me, you fool.
- 446. I can fight it no longer, darling.
- 447. If you must go, don't look back,
- 448. Jesus Christ! Who's that?
- 449. So that's where you've been,
Auntie Borden, naughty girl.
- 450. - Shall we decide on the dress, then?
- No, I don't like it.
- 451. Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you?
- 452. There doesn't seem to be
a very great deal left.
- 453. We'll just have to settle for Joey.
- 454. Joey. Now you're talking.
- 455. A clown!
- 456. Can't you see it all?
- 457. The sawdust ring, the tinsel, the glitter,
- 458. The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowds.
- 459. There is Milo Tindle,
the kiddies' delight!
- 460. - Now, this is all right.
- Off with your jacket!
- 461. That's right,
your shirt and your trousers.
- 462. What for?
- 463. We don't want the police to find
any fibres from this beautiful frock.
- 464. You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
- 465. We won't take any risks, you and I.
- 466. That's right, down to your smalls.
Don't be shy.
- 467. I know a well brought up boy
when I see one.
- 468. Folds his trousers at night, huh?
- 469. Hey, slap shoes. Do you know
I've always wanted a pair of these?
- 470. Yes, my boy.
- 471. My father took me to the palladium
when I was a kid.
- 472. I might have caught on
in show business, you know?
- 473. You never know,
a lot of my friends did.
- 474. They got to the top. You know how?
They danced their way through.
- 475. You know, I guess vaudeville's loss
was hairdressing's gain.
- 476. - Talking of gain, are we ready?
- 477. Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
- 478. The grand parade.
- 479. Make way for Tindolini!
- 480. The kiddies' favourite.
Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock!
- 481. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
- 482. in the centre ring,
the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini!
- 483. - He thinks I'm funny.
- You are funny. Turn it off!
- 484. Now then,
one glass cutter for breaking in with,
- 485. one piece of putty
for holding on to the cut piece of glass
- 486. so it doesn't clatter to the ground
- 487. and awake
the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
- 488. you suspect lurks inside
and one stethoscope.
- 489. - Stethoscope?
- Safe breakers for the use of.
- 490. The theory is you tried to pick the lock
of the safe by listening to the tumblers,
- 491. you failed and had to resort to dynamite.
- 492. - Dynamite? What for?
- Safes for the blowing open of.
- 493. But you can leave all that to me.
Now, how about a bizarre touch?
- 494. Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom
impaled upon a splinter of glass.
- 495. Why not take a full page ad
in The Times
- 496. and sell tickets
for the cops to come and watch?
- 497. Pom-poms.
- 498. Well, I was only trying to lighten
Inspector Plodder's day
- 499. for him, but if you don't like it...
- 500. There is no such animal
as Inspector Plodder
- 501. outside your detective stories.
- 502. It'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
- 503. who knows his job
down to the last detail!
- 504. You can bet your bottom dollar on that!
- 505. And I can't move in this outfit!
These bloody boots are ridiculous!
- 506. But you loved them so. Do keep them
on! Can't you see the headlines?
- 507. "Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled,
where will Big Boots strike next?"
- 508. Right in the arse, that's where, mine.
- 509. All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professional
- 510. realising that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
- 511. decided to disguise his own.
- 512. Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything?
- 513. Glass cutter, putty and...
- 514. - Yes, yes, yes... I've got everything.
- And the stethoscope?
- 515. Milo, you are maudlin.
You are the complete clown.
- 516. Thank you.
- 517. Very clever!
- 518. Now,
come along with me and listen carefully.
- 519. Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
- 520. In the far corner you'll find a shed,
in the shed you'll find a ladder.
- 521. Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room,
- 522. so that you can break in
on the upper landing.
- 523. Understanding?
- 524. - Upper landing?
- 525. I suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you?
- 526. Certainly not. I don't want my footprints
in the flower beds.
- 527. - I'm not very good at heights.
- Well, don't look down.
- 528. Concentrate instead on thick bundles
of crisp pound notes,
- 529. 170,000 of them in cash, tax free.
- 530. Good luck, Milo.
- 531. Don't forget your gloves.
- 532. What a way to make a living.
- 533. Did you hear a noise, puss?
- 534. And was that a footstep in the garden?
- 535. No, no. I must be mistaken.
There it is again.
- 536. What's that?
- 537. Someone outside, prowling around
the grounds. I'm certain of it.
- 538. Now, now, now.
We mustn't imagine things.
- 539. Who would harm
a kindly old spinster like me?
- 540. The front door's locked
and the windows, too.
- 541. Hey, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
- 542. For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't
have made more noise on D-day!
- 543. The bloody glass came out,
my bloody boot got stuck,
- 544. and I fell down the bloody ladder!
- 545. Well, the bloody police must've heard it
all the way to bloody Salisbury.
- 546. I'm sorry!
- 547. Somehow, I thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
- 548. - Now for the jewels.
- Not straight away.
- 549. You're not supposed to know
where they are.
- 550. You'll have to hunt about a bit first,
disturb a few things.
- 551. If you'll be good enough to follow me
- 552. A turnstile to the bedrooms?
- 553. One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
- 554. The mistress' bedroom,
or would you know your way about?
- 555. - The mistress or her bedroom?
- It's irrelevant.
- 556. Now, Milo, where to begin?
- 557. The bottom drawer,
the trousseau drawer, the frillies!
- 558. Take them out, vandalise them.
- 559. Come on, Milo,
you're a burglar, not a lady's maid.
- 560. Don't pat them, ravage them.
- 561. Come on, Milo.
- 562. Excellent. Now, tear that.
- 563. That's better.
- 564. Now, where would
m'lady hide the trophies
- 565. of her skilled accomplishments?
- 566. Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds,
- 567. among her lace-edged underclothes,
- 568. stuffed into the false bottoms
of hat boxes,
- 569. sewn into the hems
of always the latest, had-to-have,
- 570. at-once-discarded Parisian dresses,
- 571. or perhaps secretly concealed
in the back of this?
- 572. What better safe deposit for deceit?
- 573. How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray?
- 574. The mouth that lied and kissed
and lied again!
- 575. I thought it was me who
was supposed to be doing the ravaging?
- 576. So it was. So it was.
Merely demonstrating, I was.
- 577. Be a good fellow.
Stamp on that, will you?
- 578. - Why me?
- I'm afraid if I broke it
- 579. I'd get seven more years of Marguerite.
- 580. Thank you.
- 581. - Now, where's your bedroom?
- 582. - It's my turn to demonstrate.
- My dear Milo,
- 583. having failed to find the jewels among
the lady's personal possessions...
- 584. It'd be a bit suspicious,
- 585. a professional burglar
- 586. No, on the contrary,
an intelligent burglar
- 587. would immediately look
for the next most likely hiding place.
- 588. - Which is where?
- The inevitable safe.
- 589. Just blow it open and steal what's in it.
- 590. Come on, Milo.
- 591. Right.
- 592. - What kind of charge you got here?
- Enough for the job.
- 593. I learnt about explosives for
The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
- 594. Ready? Stand by for the countdown.
- 595. Five, a four,
- 596. a three,
- 597. a two,
- 598. a one,
- 599. a blast off.
- 600. I've got it. I've got it.
- 601. What are you shaking it for?
It's a jewel box, not a maraca.
- 602. I thought it might have a secret catch.
It's locked, you see?
- 603. Well, smash it open.
- 604. Jesus, you have all the killer instinct
of a 20-year-old Sealyham.
- 605. It's a very pretty box,
it seemed such a waste.
- 606. - Dear God.
- Moses looks upon the Promised Land.
- 607. They're fantastic.
- 608. - Look at this ruby necklace.
- Never much cared for it myself.
- 609. Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
- 610. I wish my old man could see these.
He never knew what it was all about.
- 611. Sitting there, every night,
hunched over those watches of his.
- 612. Squinting his eyesight away,
and for what?
- 613. To give me an education at
a second-rate public school.
- 614. I suppose he thought he had to.
- 615. That he owed it to me
- 616. and the brand new
Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted.
- 617. Silly old bugger.
- 618. Never thought his son would be tucking
a fortune away into his pocket, eh?
- 619. Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
- 620. is something we just haven't
got time for at the moment.
- 621. Do you mind?
- 622. Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
- 623. wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
- 624. surprises the burglar,
and in the ensuing fight,
- 625. the house is sacked.
- 626. Why is it necessary
for you to surprise me at all?
- 627. Because, if I've seen
you at close quarters,
- 628. I can always describe you
to the police, wrongly.
- 629. "Did you get a good look
at the intruder's face, sir?"
- 630. "Yes, Inspector, I did.
I don't know if it was a trick of the light,
- 631. "but somehow,
his face seemed not wholly human... "
- 632. How much sacking do you want done?
- 633. A decent bit, I think.
A few chairs upturned,
- 634. ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing.
- 635. You know,
convincing but not Carthaginian.
- 636. You surely don't call that convincing.
- 637. Milo.
- 638. Let the literature fly to the four winds,
- 639. let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves.
- 640. Hey, that's my new manuscript!
- 641. Let my secretary sort it out.
- 642. - Enough?
- For a starter.
- 643. Now, let's see what accident does
to artifice, seconds out of the ring.
- 644. - What seconds? What for?
- The ensuing fight, remember?
- 645. - Hey!
- Well, you're the underdog, aren't you?
- 646. You got the support of the crowd,
haven't you? What more do you want?
- 647. - You've asked for this.
- Don't let me out.
- 648. My wife's gonna have a baby.
- 649. Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up.
- 650. This fight is fixed, remember?
This is where I take a dive,
- 651. and you knock me out cold!
- 652. - For real?
- 653. When the police come,
I'll have to show them a real lump.
- 654. Yes, I thought you'd like this bit.
- 655. You're dead right.
- 656. Now, what shall I use?
- 657. Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
- 658. There it is.
The original blunt instrument.
- 659. The poker.
- 660. - Right. Now, where do you want it?
- Now steady.
- 661. Now, don't get carried away.
- 662. It's not a murder weapon you
are talking about, you know?
- 663. - No?
- 664. We're discussing an object
from which I receive,
- 665. in the classic formula, a glancing blow,
- 666. which will raise a lump
without actually cracking the cranium.
- 667. Why don't I just
keep tapping you lightly on the head
- 668. with the poker, until a lump comes up?
- 669. Quite frankly, I've rather
gone off the whole thing.
- 670. Now, I know, you can always tie me up
and gag me and leave me
- 671. to be found by the cleaning woman.
- 672. "Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke!
- 673. "Whatever do we be doing there
all trussed up like a turkey cock?
- 674. "God bless you, sir.
You're trying out something
- 675. "for one of them creepy new books
- 676. "I know, now don't you mind me.
I won't disturb thee.
- 677. "I'll just be getting on with me dusting. "
- 678. Andrew, if I don't knock you out,
how have I tied you up?
- 679. That's a very good question.
- 680. Come to think of it,
you could always hold a gun on me.
- 681. We professional burglars
don't fancy firearms much.
- 682. We are English, after all.
- 683. You could always conquer
your Anglo-Saxon scruples.
- 684. Besides, it will be my own revolver,
which you had taken from me
- 685. during the struggle.
- 686. - Is that loaded?
- Well, of course.
- 687. What would be the use of it, otherwise?
- 688. And I think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
- 689. blowing to smithereens
the usual priceless heirlooms.
- 690. - Why?
- To lend credence to my story
- 691. of your holding it on me,
while you gagged me and tied me up.
- 692. - All right?
- Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.
- 693. Right. Now, what to sacrifice?
- 694. What about this old codger up here?
- 695. Put that down at once!
- 696. That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
- 697. given me by the
Mystery Writers of America
- 698. for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
The Slaying of Jack Sprat.
- 699. Ironically enough,
for one who would eat no fat,
- 700. he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesterol.
- 701. Now.
- 702. What do you say to the demolition
of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug?
- 703. Puzzle jug?
- 704. To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
- 705. - Very funny.
- Marguerite thought it clever.
- 706. Which ought to tell you
something about Marguerite.
- 707. Let us expose its shortcomings.
- 708. Well, you might've said good shot.
- 709. You bloody maniac!
You could've killed me!
- 710. Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke,
the demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
- 711. Now, what next?
- 712. The last tender memento
of our Venetian honeymoon.
- 713. I will not resist the temptation.
- 714. Shucks. Gosh darn,
if I ain't missed the dog-gone critter.
- 715. You hit what you were aiming for,
- 716. Now don't be peevish, Milo.
- 717. There's nothing like a little bit
of mayhem to cheer one up.
- 718. - Did you ever know Charlie Begby?
- You know damned well I didn't.
- 719. He was the very finest shot
I ever did see.
- 720. I once saw him bag six ducks
with one shot, when he was blind drunk.
- 721. The only thing was,
they were china ducks
- 722. in his auntie's drawing room. And I said,
- 723. "But Charlie, you can't do that.
It's the closed season. "
- 724. Told you he always laughs at my jokes.
- 725. Even the bad ones.
- 726. True, not as funny as all that.
- 727. There's an open season
all the year round for some creatures.
- 728. Seducers and wife-stealers,
- 729. Now, that's a bad Italian joke.
- 730. You should know,
it's your country of origin, is it not?
- 731. No, actually, I'm English.
I was born here in England.
- 732. Were you now? Actually?
- 733. Born in dear old,
- 734. who-screws-my-wife,
- 735. Sense-of-humour,
fair-play England, I mean.
- 736. Don't you believe it.
That's the way a foreigner talks.
- 737. What he really thinks in private is,
"Filthy, wet country!
- 738. "Ugly, red, cold men
- 739. "who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cool women. "
- 740. And what brought all this on, then?
- 741. - What are you doing with that gun?
- Pretty obviously pointing it at you.
- 742. I can see that, but why?
- 743. Because I'm gonna kill you.
- 744. You are gonna kill me?
- 745. Jesus, here we go again
with another one of your games.
- 746. Another one? No, it's the same one.
- 747. We've been playing it all evening.
- 748. "You're going to die,
and no one will suspect murder. "
- 749. You... You mean all that
steal the jewel stuff was just...
- 750. I invited you around here to set up
the circumstances of your own death.
- 751. The break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
- 752. the house-holder aroused,
grappled with the thief,
- 753. and gun going off during the struggle
and then the final fatal shot.
- 754. Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
- 755. - It ain't funny no more.
- It ain't, ain't it?
- 756. - Can you find a flaw in it?
- 757. The cops'll trace a connection
between Marguerite and me.
- 758. - What nonsense.
- They'll know that's why you did it.
- 759. How was I expected
to know who you were?
- 760. The law will have
every sympathy for me.
- 761. Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
- 762. Even Marguerite will
assume that you were,
- 763. after all, just an adventurer
after her jewels.
- 764. A petty sneak thief,
- 765. who, in the end, found larceny
less burdensome than matrimony.
- 766. The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony?
- 767. Wit in the face of adversity. Good!
- 768. You've learnt something
from the English.
- 769. And here's something else,
a sporting chance.
- 770. Why don't you make a run for it?
- 771. And give you the chance to shoot
me down in cold blood?
- 772. Hot blood, you mean.
But I'll tell you what I'll do.
- 773. I'll close my eyes,
and count up to 20 slowly.
- 774. That should give you a reasonable
chance. Go on, Milo, off you go.
- 775. One.
- 776. One,
- 777. two,
- 778. three,
- 779. four,
- 780. five,
- 781. six,
- 782. seven,
- 783. eight,
- 784. nine,
- 785. 10,
- 786. 11,
- 787. 12,
- 788. 13,
- 789. 14,
- 790. 15,
- 791. 16,
- 792. 17,
- 793. 18,
- 794. 19,
- 795. and a 20.
- 796. - You left them in that beautiful coat.
- Oh, my God.
- 797. Let's have you out of that car, shall we?
- 798. Those lovely boots
back on again, please.
- 799. Now, of course,
the only question left to be decided,
- 800. is where the police shall find you.
- 801. Of course, you could be Iying
sprawled over the desk in the study,
- 802. like countless colonels,
in countless studies,
- 803. or propped up in the log basket
like a rag doll.
- 804. Which do you fancy, early Agatha
Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine?
- 805. For Christ's sake, Andrew,
you're talking of a murder!
- 806. Of killing a real man!
Don't you understand?
- 807. I shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps best of all,
- 808. a real 1930s murder weapon,
the mashie niblick.
- 809. I've got one in my golf bag.
- 810. Dear, old mashie niblick.
- 811. I think you'll be found in the fireplace,
in a fair old mess.
- 812. The body lay on its back.
- 813. Its limbs, grotesquely splayed
like a broken puppet.
- 814. The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernatural force.
- 815. "My God,"
breathed the Inspector, blanching.
- 816. "Thompson, you'd better
get a tarpaulin.
- 817. "Excuse me, sir, but was
all this violence, strictly necessary?"
- 818. "I'm sorry, Inspector.
- 819. "I'm afraid I lost control of myself
when I saw him
- 820. "handling my wife's
intimate garments. "
- 821. It's too bloody elaborate.
I'll tell you what.
- 822. I think the scene
the police find is simply this.
- 823. After the fight, you flee up the stairs,
back to your ladder again.
- 824. Go on, Milo, flee.
- 825. Up you go.
- 826. Up you go.
- 827. I catch you on the landing,
- 828. and in the renewed struggle,
I shoot you.
- 829. Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo?
- 830. On the morning of his execution,
King Charles I put on two shirts.
- 831. "If I tremble with the cold," he said,
"my enemies will say it was from fear.
- 832. "I will not expose myself
to such reproaches. "
- 833. We must also
attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity,
- 834. as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
- 835. Look,
- 836. I can't give anything back, can I?
- 837. I mean, if it hadn't been me,
- 838. it would've been somebody else.
- 839. Please.
- 840. I'll go away.
- 841. You won't never hear of me, no more.
- 842. Why, Andrew?
- 843. Why me?
- 844. Don't snivel.
- 845. I must know why!
- 846. I'm amazed you have to ask.
- 847. I hate you.
- 848. I hate your smarmy good looks,
and your easy manner.
- 849. I'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
- 850. I knew you'd wear a gold charm
round your neck.
- 851. And I'll bet your chest is hairy,
and in summer, matted with sun oil.
- 852. Above all, I hate you because
you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop.
- 853. And not one of me.
- 854. A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
- 855. A jumped-up pantry boy,
who doesn't know his place!
- 856. Did you really believe
I'd give up my wife and jewellery to you?
- 857. That I'd make myself that ridiculous?
- 858. Why not?
- 859. You're not in love with her.
- 860. Whether I love her or not, I found her.
- 861. I've kept her.
- 862. She represents me.
- 863. Once, she was in love with me.
- 864. And now, she's in love with me.
- 865. And that's what you
can't forgive, isn't it?
- 866. And after me, there'll be others.
- 867. You're gonna kill them, too?
- 868. You're mad! You're a bloody madman!
- 869. And you are a young man,
dressed as a clown,
- 870. about to be murdered.
- 871. Put the mask on, Milo.
- No, no.
- 872. - Put it on.
- No, please.
- 873. Put it on.
- 874. Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself.
- 875. A snivelling, dago clown.
- 876. Farewell.
- 877. Puncinello.
- 878. Please!
- 879. Good evening, sir.
- 880. I was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
- 881. Indeed. And who might you be?
- 882. Detective Inspector Doppler, sir,
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
- 883. I'm sorry to be calling so late,
but I need to have a few words with you
- 884. on a very important matter.
- 885. Better come in.
- 886. Wiltshire County Constabulary,
- 887. That's right, sir.
I'm normally based in Salisbury,
- 888. but your local man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
- 889. Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
- 890. There's a time for humming, Inspector.
Would you care for an aquavit?
- 891. - No thank you, sir. I've had my supper.
- Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy,
- 892. or are you going to tell me
you never drink on duty?
- 893. No, sir. I always drink on duty.
- 894. I can't afford to on my own time.
- 895. Caviar.
- 896. So that's what that looks like.
- 897. I've often wondered.
- 898. Can't say I care for it all that much, sir.
- 899. Tastes like fish eggs.
- 900. Fancy.
- 901. Now, let me take that nasty taste away
with a splendid brandy.
- 902. Do follow me, won't you, Inspector?
- 903. These old antiques
are very interesting, sir.
- 904. You have quite a collection of toys.
- 905. Autometer, Inspector. And they all work.
- 906. I wouldn't have thought there was much
point in having them if they didn't, sir.
- 907. And now, as the cliché has it,
what can I do for you, Inspector?
- 908. I am investigating the disappearance
of a Mr Milo Tindle.
- 909. Do you know him, sir?
- 910. Vaguely.
- 911. He walked out of his cottage
late last Friday afternoon
- 912. and hasn't been seen since.
- 913. Really, I'm afraid
I'm not very much interested
- 914. in the migratory habits of hair dressers.
- 915. So you do
know the gentleman then, sir?
- 916. Well, I know his profession.
- 917. I think my wife has mentioned
he had a shop in London.
- 918. When did you last see Mr Tindle, sir?
- 919. Some months ago.
I wouldn't remember, exactly.
- 920. I'd have no reason to, really.
- 921. That doesn't quite
accord with our information.
- 922. I wonder if you could put some water
in this brandy for me please, sir?
- 923. In fact, two nights ago,
- 924. he told Jack Benn,
the licensee of the White Lion,
- 925. he was on his way up to see you.
- 926. Barmen are notorious opponents
of exactitude, Inspector.
- 927. Vinous gossip is their stock in trade.
- 928. Vinous, as pertaining to wine,
I assume, sir.
- 929. Very good.
- 930. And I was wondering
if there was something else
- 931. - you could correct for me, sir.
- What is that?
- 932. The impression, gained by a man,
- 933. who happened to be passing
your house on Friday night.
- 934. - That shots were fired in here.
- 935. Three, our man thinks.
- 936. - A car backfiring?
- Oh, no, sir.
- 937. I'm afraid that sort of
occurrence only comes in,
- 938. saving your presence, sir,
- 939. No, these were shots from a gun.
Our man is positive.
- 940. I see.
- 941. May I ask why you've taken two days
to come round and ask me
- 942. - about all this?
- Well, sir, these things
- 943. always take a little longer
to check out than you think.
- 944. Your local man wanted to be sure
of his facts before calling me in
- 945. and before troubling
a gentleman like yourself.
- 946. - Facts? What facts?
- Well, after our informant
- 947. had reported the incident,
we thought we'd better
- 948. have a word with Mr Tindle
- 949. to see if he could
throw any light on the subject.
- 950. And could he? The way to turn that off
is to press that stop in, Inspector.
- 951. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- 952. He wasn't at his cottage,
all day Saturday, nor all day today.
- 953. We must've called there
at least half a dozen times.
- 954. By Jove, sir.
Merridew would've been proud of you.
- 955. Your detective, sir.
- 956. That's praise, indeed, sir.
I'm a great fan of his lordship.
- 957. Are you really?
- 958. Well, you must tell me
which is your favourite.
- 959. I, myself, have always
had a special affection
- 960. for The Case of the Crucified Countess.
- 961. When we stepped inside
Mr Tindle's cottage
- 962. to make sure
that no harm had come to him,
- 963. we found this, sir.
- 964. "Urgent we talk.
- 965. "Come on Friday evening, about 6:30.
- 966. "Wyke. "
- 967. May I ask, is this your handwriting, sir?
- 968. - Yes, it's mine, all right.
- So Mr Tindle was here then, sir.
- 969. - He was.
- And was there an incident
- 970. two nights ago, as a result of which
shots were fired?
- 971. In a manner of speaking.
It was a game we were playing.
- 972. A game, sir? What kind of game?
- 973. - It's called "burglary".
- Burglary is not a game, sir.
- 974. Isn't it about time you told me,
- 975. I don't know
the seriousness of my position?
- 976. A man comes here. Shots are heard.
He has disappeared.
- 977. Now, what would you make out of that,
if you were me, sir?
- 978. An open and shut case,
- 979. but things are not always
what they seem, Inspector.
- 980. Why, in
The Mystery of the Grand Dummy,
- 981. - your favourite, Lord Merridew...
- I am waiting for an explanation, sir.
- 982. Well, Tindle arrived about 6:30
and left about an hour and a half later.
- 983. - I have not seen him since.
- And nor has any one else, sir.
- 984. But this is absurd.
You're not suggesting I killed Tindle?
- 985. Killed Tindle, sir?
I never mentioned the word "kill".
- 986. Come now, Inspector.
You can't pull that old one on me.
- 987. "Garrotted, sir. May I ask how you knew
her ladyship had been garrotted?"
- 988. "Surely, you told me so, Inspector. "
- 989. "No, sir.
I never mentioned the word garrotted. "
- 990. I am sorry you find us so comic, sir.
On the whole, what we do is necessary.
- 991. You're just doing your job
is the overworked phrase, isn't it?
- 992. Possibly, sir. Very possibly.
The overworked phrase that is, yeah.
- 993. Your wife and Mr Tindle
have been associating closely
- 994. - for some time, sir.
- I thought you'd know about that.
- 995. You can't keep anything quiet
in a small village.
- 996. Perfectly true, sir.
- 997. You're not suggesting
a crime passionnel?
- 998. I do hope. Not with Marguerite.
- 999. That'd be like knifing somebody
for the sake
- 1000. of a tablespoon full of cold rice pudding.
- 1001. I'm very partial to rice pudding, sir.
- 1002. - I find it a great standby.
- That's perfect.
- 1003. "All of you had either the means,
motive or opportunity,"
- 1004. said Inspector Doppler,
as he thoughtfully digested
- 1005. another spoonful of his favourite pud.
"But only one of you had all three. "
- 1006. Exactly so, sir, and that person is you.
- 1007. I suppose
I better tell you what happened.
- 1008. That would be helpful, sir.
- 1009. Perhaps another drink
would be helpful, too.
- 1010. I'd love another drink, sir, but I think
you'll find that the bottle is empty.
- 1011. Quite right, Inspector.
That, too, can be corrected.
- 1012. Do come with me, won't you?
- 1013. Now, as you seem to know,
- 1014. Tindle was having an affair
with my wife.
- 1015. Now, I belong to that rare breed of men
- 1016. who genuinely don't mind
- 1017. to a gentleman who plays the game
by the same rules.
- 1018. But to be worsted by a flash,
crypto-Italian lover boy,
- 1019. who mistakes my indifference
for inadequacy is altogether too much!
- 1020. You mean you couldn't bring yourself
to accept the situation, sir?
- 1021. Is that what you're saying?
- 1022. I mean, it was a situation I refused
to accept, Inspector.
- 1023. Playing the game is very
important to you, is it, sir?
- 1024. Playing the game
and games playing, yes, Inspector.
- 1025. I'm not quite sure
I see the difference, sir.
- 1026. It's perfectly simple, Inspector.
- 1027. Playing the game
is what every gentleman does.
- 1028. Playing of particular games
is my special passion.
- 1029. In a way, my whole life.
- 1030. That sounds a bit sad to me, sir.
- 1031. Like a child not growing up.
- 1032. What's so sad
about a child playing, Inspector?
- 1033. Nothing, sir, if you're a child.
- 1034. Let me tell you, Inspector,
- 1035. I have played games of such complexity
that Jung and Einstein
- 1036. would've been proud to have been
asked to participate in them.
- 1037. I have achieved flights of the mind
and flights of the psyche
- 1038. unknown in ordinary
- 1039. And I've had a very great deal
of not altogether innocent fun.
- 1040. Is there nothing
you would not consider a game, sir?
- 1041. Duty, work, even marriage?
- 1042. Please, Inspector.
Don't include marriage.
- 1043. Sex! Sex is the game.
Marriage, the penalty.
- 1044. Round and round,
we jog towards each futile anniversary.
- 1045. Pass go. Collect two hundred rows,
- 1046. two hundred silences,
two hundred scars.
- 1047. In the deep places.
- 1048. Are you saying, sir, that because
of your indifference to your wife,
- 1049. you had no motive
for murdering Mr Tindle?
- 1050. I'm simply saying, Inspector,
that in common with most men,
- 1051. I want to have my cookie and ignore it.
- 1052. That was rather witty, I thought.
- 1053. And what have we here, sir?
- 1054. It's just an old dressing up basket.
- 1055. A traditional place of concealment,
I'm sure you'll agree.
- 1056. Only of the identity, Inspector.
- 1057. In a game.
- 1058. Shall we go?
- 1059. - Shall we go?
- Yes, sir.
- 1060. Coming.
- 1061. Anyway, I thought I'd teach
young master Tindle a lesson
- 1062. for his presumption.
Test his mettle, as it were.
- 1063. You may not agree with this, Inspector,
but you take it from me.
- 1064. The shortest way to a man's heart
is through humiliation.
- 1065. You soon find out what he's made of.
- 1066. And how did you plan
to go about this humiliation, sir?
- 1067. To begin with, by convincing him that
as my wife has expensive tastes,
- 1068. and he was virtually a pauper,
- 1069. he could solve that problem
by stealing some valuable jewellery,
- 1070. which I had in my safe.
- 1071. I further persuaded him to take off
his clothes and wear a disguise.
- 1072. Appropriately enough, he chose,
- 1073. out of that basket you examined,
the costume of a clown.
- 1074. In that ludicrous outfit, he broke
into the house and blew open my safe.
- 1075. The jewels were in this box.
- 1076. Good thinking, Inspector.
- 1077. - Bravo.
- And where are they now, sir?
- 1078. I put them in the bank, yesterday.
- 1079. - On a Saturday?
- Yes, Inspector, on a Saturday.
- 1080. I drove over to Salisbury
and I put them in the night safe.
- 1081. How very provident, sir.
- 1082. May I ask what you did
after he blew the safe open?
- 1083. Tindle pocketed the jewels.
- 1084. We struggled convincingly
around the house as part of the game,
- 1085. and he was about to make off,
when I turned nasty and revealed
- 1086. the true purpose of the evening.
- 1087. This was, of course,
that I had manoeuvred him
- 1088. into a position where, by pretending
to mistake him for a burglar,
- 1089. I could legitimately shoot him.
- 1090. When you revealed your intentions, sir,
- 1091. what was Mr Tindle's reaction?
- 1092. Electrifying!
- 1093. He swallowed my story,
hook, line and sinker.
- 1094. He fell to his knees
and pleaded for his life,
- 1095. but I was implacable.
I put the gun against his head
- 1096. and shot him
- 1097. with a blank cartridge.
- 1098. You shot Mr Tindle
with a blank cartridge, sir?
- 1099. Fainted, dead away.
- 1100. So my game was over.
- 1101. It was a most gratifying one.
- 1102. You actually put a gun to his head
and pulled the trigger
- 1103. as a game?
- 1104. Call it his initiation test, if you like.
- 1105. He came here aping the gentry,
- 1106. hoping for acceptance,
but he had to be taught.
- 1107. You don't join just like that.
- 1108. There's such a thing as breeding!
The quality that breeding brings.
- 1109. It cannot be acquired.
- 1110. Of course, he failed his test abysmally.
- 1111. He may well have done, sir,
- 1112. but he also must have been put
in fear of his life.
- 1113. Such irresponsible action
warrants a serious charge of assault.
- 1114. I suppose that's marginally better
than the charge of murder
- 1115. you were contemplating
a few minutes ago.
- 1116. I still am contemplating it, sir.
- 1117. Come now, Inspector,
I told you what happened.
- 1118. After a few minutes,
he came to his senses,
- 1119. realised shrewdly
that he wasn't dead after all,
- 1120. and after only a few too many brandies,
lurched off home.
- 1121. I'm sorry you appear
to find this all quite so funny, Mr Wyke.
- 1122. We may not take
quite the same attitude.
- 1123. Now, look here.
- 1124. Why can't you see this
from my point of view?
- 1125. In a sense, Tindle was a burglar.
He was stealing my wife, wasn't he?
- 1126. Which justified your torturing
and then murdering him, sir?
- 1127. Of course not. Don't you see?
It was a game.
- 1128. - Just a bloody game.
- Bloody indeed, sir.
- 1129. I achieved what I set out to do,
and that was all.
- 1130. You may well
have achieved murder, sir.
- 1131. - No.
- I believe so, sir.
- 1132. No, I told you everything that happened.
- 1133. Would you mind
if I had a look around, sir?
- 1134. Crawl about on all fours, if you like.
- 1135. Get out your envelope
and imprison hairs.
- 1136. Gather ye blunt instruments
while ye may.
- 1137. Now, I ask myself,
if I wanted to conceal Tindle's body,
- 1138. where would I put it?
- 1139. In my good friend,
Jolly Jack Tar the Sailor.
- 1140. Very amusing, sir.
- 1141. May I ask how you did that?
- 1142. No.
Jolly Jack and I have our little secret.
- 1143. Then may I ask
how you made those holes in the wall?
- 1144. That one over there.
- 1145. And this one over here.
- 1146. - They look like bullet holes to me, sir.
- Quite right, Inspector.
- 1147. So they are.
- 1148. I understood you, sir,
say that you used a blank.
- 1149. Two live bullets to set up the trick
and one blank to complete it.
- 1150. I had to persuade Tindle
I was in earnest.
- 1151. I see, sir.
- 1152. One blank.
- 1153. Then would you
just show me please, sir,
- 1154. where Mr Tindle was
when you killed him?
- 1155. - Pretended to kill him, you mean.
- Quite so.
- 1156. Then would you show me exactly
where he was when the bullet hit him?
- 1157. I keep telling you,
it was not a real bullet.
- 1158. So you do, sir. So you do.
- 1159. Very well, then. Where was he
when the blank cartridge was fired?
- 1160. He was standing,
or I should say kneeling,
- 1161. or, more accurately, cowering here.
- 1162. About here you say, sir?
- 1163. Two steps down.
- 1164. That's it.
- 1165. Were you close to Mr Tindle
when you fired the gun?
- 1166. Very. I was standing over him, in fact,
with the gun against his head.
- 1167. You see,
it was the actual feel of the gun,
- 1168. coupled with the noise
of the explosion that did the trick.
- 1169. The traditional tool
of your trade, Inspector?
- 1170. Joke blood, sir?
- 1171. I don't think I quite follow, Inspector.
- 1172. Here. On the banisters,
- 1173. and underneath the carpet.
- 1174. - It's dry blood, sir.
- 1175. Where?
- 1176. Don't touch it.
- 1177. That's dried blood, all right.
- 1178. Some more, over here.
- 1179. Someone's been rubbing the carpet,
you see that?
- 1180. Deep in the pile.
- 1181. That's blood, sir.
- 1182. It's still damp.
- 1183. Will you explain to me
how that got there?
- 1184. I have no idea.
- 1185. Tindle wasn't wounded
or hurt in any way.
- 1186. You must believe me.
- 1187. With real bullets and real blood?
- 1188. Isn't it about time
we stopped talking about games, sir?
- 1189. Look! Look at the window.
- 1190. There, you can see the pane of glass
he cut out in order to break in.
- 1191. And down there, the imprint
of the ladder in the flower bed
- 1192. and the size 28 boots, or whatever
the hell it was he was wearing.
- 1193. Look, I can show you.
- 1194. Over the years my eyes
have been adequately trained
- 1195. - to see things for themselves, sir.
- I'm sure they have, Inspector.
- 1196. I'm just trying to point out a few facts
to substantiate my story.
- 1197. Like the blown safe
I showed you in the study
- 1198. and like the dressing up basket
you found in the cellar.
- 1199. You say that Mr Tindle
disguised himself as a clown.
- 1200. I saw no such costume in that basket,
- 1201. nor have you pointed out
that mound of earth in the garden,
- 1202. - have you, sir?
- Mound of earth?
- 1203. What mound of earth?
- 1204. That one over by the far wall.
- 1205. In the shade of that cedar tree.
- 1206. - I can't see anything.
- Well, it's there, all right.
- 1207. I saw it before I rang your bell.
- 1208. I think we'd better go
and have a look at it.
- 1209. Together, sir.
- 1210. Here we are, sir.
- 1211. Now, would you say
that had been freshly dug, sir?
- 1212. How do I know?
- 1213. It's probably something
the gardener's been doing. Ask him.
- 1214. You'll find him somewhere,
- 1215. aching for an opportunity
to slander his employer. They all do.
- 1216. For my part, I've always found
- 1217. that gardeners make
- 1218. They're slow,
they're methodical, and they're positive.
- 1219. Inspector, I've had just
about enough of this farce.
- 1220. Do you really think I'd be fool enough
to bury Tindle out here, in the garden,
- 1221. leaving all that newly turned earth
for everyone to find?
- 1222. If you weren't expecting us, sir, yes.
- 1223. In a couple of weeks,
- 1224. with a little grass seed, or a few bulbs,
- 1225. it'd be very difficult
to tell it had ever been disturbed.
- 1226. We in the police force
know just how fond murderers are
- 1227. of their back gardens, sir.
- 1228. One's as near a murderer's heart
in the garden
- 1229. as anywhere else on earth, Inspector?
- 1230. Excepting the bedroom, sir.
- 1231. I think you'll find that's still the favourite.
- 1232. There's no mistaking
whose room this is, sir?
- 1233. My wife showers.
- 1234. I bathe.
- 1235. Clothing all screwed up
on the floor of the wardrobe.
- 1236. That's not like you, sir.
- 1237. Here's an interesting monogram. I W.
- 1238. Or have I got this the wrong way up?
- 1239. M T.
- 1240. Let me see that.
- 1241. Made by Owen and Tancredi
of Percy Street.
- 1242. For Mr Milo Tindle. November 12.
- 1243. Tell me, sir.
- 1244. When Mr Tindle lurched off,
as you put it,
- 1245. did he lurch naked?
- 1246. And did he subsequently lurch naked
through the streets of the village?
- 1247. He changed back
before he left into these clothes.
- 1248. Do you still maintain, sir, that Mr Tindle
- 1249. changed into the clown's costume
in the cellar?
- 1250. - Yes.
- Another part
- 1251. of the humiliation process, I suppose.
- 1252. Then someone must have
carried his clothing up from the cellar,
- 1253. and placed them in this wardrobe.
- 1254. - I did.
- 1255. Because I thought they'd be better off
in a wardrobe
- 1256. than a dusty old cellar.
- 1257. All screwed up on the floor
of a wardrobe? Why?
- 1258. I didn't think it wouldn't be long before
he'd be changing back.
- 1259. - It's all so baffling.
- Not at all, sir.
- 1260. You threw those clothes
on the floor of the wardrobe
- 1261. because you knew that Mr Tindle
would not be needing them again.
- 1262. Ever! That's right, sir, isn't it?
- 1263. He changed back before he left
and wore them when he went away.
- 1264. I think you started this
- 1265. exactly as you say you did.
- 1266. As a game, in order to play
a diabolical trick on Mr Tindle,
- 1267. but that it went wrong.
- 1268. Your third shot was not a blank
as you had supposed,
- 1269. but a live bullet, that killed Mr Tindle
- 1270. stone dead!
- 1271. Spattering blood
on the banisters in the process.
- 1272. Then, when you realised
what you'd done,
- 1273. you simply panicked,
- 1274. like a thousand murderers before you,
- 1275. and buried the corpse in the garden.
- 1276. It was very silly of you
- 1277. not to clean the blood
properly off the banisters
- 1278. - and burn his clothes.
- I swear, Tindle left here alive!
- 1279. At the risk of appearing facetious, sir,
- 1280. you had better tell that to the judge.
- 1281. Look, there's only one way
of dealing with this.
- 1282. If you think Tindle's out in the garden,
- 1283. for Christ's sake,
why don't you go dig him up?
- 1284. We don't need to find him, sir.
- 1285. If Mr Tindle is not beneath
that newly turned earth,
- 1286. it would merely go to indicate
that in your panic
- 1287. you first thought of putting him there,
- 1288. changed your mind
and buried him somewhere else.
- 1289. - Where?
- That's not important, sir.
- 1290. He'll turn up, sooner or later.
- 1291. And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters.
- 1292. We have your note
summoning Mr Tindle here.
- 1293. Shots were heard, bullet holes made.
- 1294. Blood is on the banisters
and the carpet.
- 1295. His clothes
were hidden in your wardrobe,
- 1296. and he had disappeared.
- 1297. Who needs a body?
- 1298. Sir.
- 1299. Come along, then.
- 1300. - It's time to go, sir.
- No. I can't believe it...
- 1301. I'm afraid, sir, that I must insist.
- 1302. There is a police car
at the end of the driveway.
- 1303. I don't care if there's
a fleet of police cars,
- 1304. I'm not bloody well going!
- 1305. Now, let's have no...
- 1306. - Please, don't make it difficult.
- Christ, you're hurting my arm!
- 1307. Really, you give me no alternative, sir.
If you'll just cooperate.
- 1308. Let me get my lawyer. It's my right!
- 1309. We can make a call
from the police station.
- 1310. We wouldn't want
to do anything unconstitutional.
- 1311. Come now, sir. Don't despair.
- 1312. You may get off
with as little as seven years.
- 1313. Seven years!
- 1314. Seven years to regret
the playing of silly games
- 1315. - that go wrong.
- Spare me the sermon if you don't mind!
- 1316. It didn't go wrong,
it all went bloody well right.
- 1317. You think so, do you, sir?
- 1318. We real life policemen are not as stupid
- 1319. as we are sometimes portrayed
by writers like yourself.
- 1320. We may not have our monocles,
- 1321. or our orchid houses, our deer stalkers
or our shovel hats,
- 1322. but we are reasonably effective,
for all that, sir.
- 1323. You seem to know a hell of a lot
about detective stories, Inspector.
- 1324. Yes, I have read quite a few
in my time, sir.
- 1325. And in recent years, I have come
to believe that the detective story
- 1326. is the normal recreation
of noble minds, sir.
- 1327. Who or what the hell are you?
- 1328. Detective Inspector Doppler, sir.
- 1329. It is spelt like "doppel",
- 1330. which, as I'm sure you know,
- 1331. in German.
- 1332. And for those whose minds
run to these things,
- 1333. it is virtually an anagram
- 1334. of the word
- 1335. "plodder".
- 1336. So
- 1337. Inspector Plodder
- 1338. becomes
- 1339. Inspector Doppler,
- 1340. if you see what I mean,
- 1341. sir.
- 1342. Milo!
- 1343. The same.
- 1344. You shit.
- 1345. You all-time, knock-down,
champion bastard, Milo.
- 1346. You're too kind.
- 1347. I'm not saying it wasn't well done,
it was extremely.
- 1348. Yes, well, the thing was brilliant.
- 1349. Incidentally, you forgot
to take out your left eye.
- 1350. Now he knows I'm funny.
- 1351. Do have a drink, Milo.
- 1352. I'm sorry. Do help yourself.
- 1353. I'll have a wash first.
I'm covered in makeup and spirit gum.
- 1354. - Of course, use the kitchen.
- No, I prefer the master bathroom.
- 1355. Your very good health, sir.
- 1356. I must say,
I must congratulate you, Milo.
- 1357. It was first class.
- 1358. You sure had me going there
for a while.
- 1359. For a while?
- 1360. Well, it was quite a while, I concede.
- 1361. But I got a bit suspicious
towards the end, you know?
- 1362. You did go on a bit, I thought.
- 1363. What did you think of my performance?
- 1364. The anguish of the innocent man
trapped by circumstantial evidence.
- 1365. - It wasn't a performance.
- Of course it was.
- 1366. I had to be convincing.
- 1367. Apparently I succeeded.
- 1368. You just don't know how to lose at all,
do you, Andrew?
- 1369. All that crap you gave old Doppler
- 1370. about the gentry losing gracefully.
- 1371. Jesus!
- 1372. I told you, you did well.
It was really good.
- 1373. I loved your Inspector Doppler.
- 1374. I'm glad you view the trifling
masquerade in that light, sir.
- 1375. Your makeup was damned good.
- 1376. - You didn't do that yourself, did you?
- I am a hair dresser, don't forget.
- 1377. I do have friends in the arts.
- 1378. I suppose you sneaked...
Slipped in here yesterday
- 1379. - while I was in Salisbury.
- 1380. Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe
- 1381. and sprinkled a little sacrificial
blood onto the banisters.
- 1382. It wasn't my blood,
I know you'll be relieved to hear.
- 1383. I got it from a pig's liver.
- 1384. Thought you could've used
almost any dago wine.
- 1385. I'll have that drink now.
- 1386. - Of course.
- Gin and tonic, I think.
- 1387. Well, you richly deserve it,
my dear fellow. Come along.
- 1388. You know, I haven't congratulated you
yet on your game.
- 1389. - It was jolly good.
- You really think so? Good.
- 1390. Must say I was rather
delighted with it myself.
- 1391. I say,
- 1392. did you really think
your last moment on earth had come?
- 1393. Yes.
- 1394. You're not cross, are you?
- 1395. Cross?
- 1396. I don't understand.
- 1397. That's one of your words.
- 1398. Look, as I explained to you
when you were playing Doppler,
- 1399. I had to test your mettle to see if,
as I suspected,
- 1400. you really were my sort of person.
- 1401. - The games playing sort of person?
- 1402. - And am I?
- There's no question about it.
- 1403. Compare your experience
this weekend, my dear Milo,
- 1404. with any other moments in your life.
- 1405. Now if you're honest with yourself,
you'll have to admit
- 1406. that you lived more intensely
in my company than in anybody else's,
- 1407. not even with Marguerite.
- 1408. Now, we know what it is to play a game,
- 1409. you and I.
- 1410. That's so rare.
- 1411. Two people brought together,
- 1412. having the courage and the talents
- 1413. to make of life a continuing charade
- 1414. of bright fancies, happy invention.
- 1415. To face out its emptiness
- 1416. and its terrors by playing.
- 1417. By just playing.
- 1418. Haven't you forgotten
- 1419. the jumped-up pantry boy
who doesn't know his place?
- 1420. We are from different worlds,
you and me, Andrew.
- 1421. In mine,
- 1422. there was no time for bright fancies
and happy inventions.
- 1423. No stopping for tea.
- 1424. The only game we played
was to survive.
- 1425. Or go to the wall.
- 1426. If you didn't win, you just didn't finish.
- 1427. Loser, lose all.
- 1428. You probably don't understand that.
- 1429. Understand or not,
nothing you've said disproves my point.
- 1430. Look at the way
you chose to get back at me
- 1431. by playing Inspector Doppler.
- 1432. Simple revenge.
- 1433. Paying back in kind.
- 1434. Every wop knows about that.
- 1435. Well, is honour satisfied?
Score even? One set all?
- 1436. Honour?
- 1437. That's another one of your words.
- 1438. I know
- 1439. that you stripped me more than naked.
- 1440. I know
that you actually terrified me to death.
- 1441. I stood on those stairs, looking down,
- 1442. and realising
that my coat sleeve button,
- 1443. the banister,
- 1444. the nail on my fourth finger
- 1445. were absolutely the last things
I was gonna see. Ever.
- 1446. Then, I heard the sound
- 1447. of my own death.
- 1448. Now, that changes you, Andrew.
- 1449. Believe me.
- 1450. And I still owe you for that.
- 1451. It'll pass, it's shock, my dear fellow.
- 1452. - Here, let me give you another...
- I don't want
- 1453. an even score.
- 1454. And don't you give me any of that
"one set all",
- 1455. or "The game's the thing,
it's enough to take part" crap.
- 1456. My father just took part,
- 1457. and his father,
- 1458. and his father.
- 1459. Losers! As far back as you can go.
- 1460. Well, it stops with me!
- 1461. With me, the Tindles start winning!
- 1462. And others start losing.
- 1463. You, for example.
- 1464. Me?
- 1465. - Lose what?
- A new game.
- 1466. My kind. My rules, played my way.
- 1467. And to start it,
- 1468. I have killed someone.
- 1469. You've killed someone.
- 1470. Murdered someone. Committed murder.
- 1471. You're not serious?
- 1472. Deadly.
- 1473. It's a real game
- 1474. and a real murder.
- 1475. There's absolutely no point in playing
another pretend game, isn't that right?
- 1476. - Absolutely not.
- We're past pretending now.
- 1477. We'll leave that to the amateurs.
- 1478. The gentlemen players, like you.
- 1479. Look, Milo. I think perhaps another time.
- 1480. - It can't wait!
- All right, all right.
- 1481. We'll play your game.
- 1482. Now whom did you kill?
- 1483. Whom? Whom?
- 1484. Who, besides yourself, is the closest
to being someone you care about?
- 1485. Would it be your girlfriend, Tea?
- 1486. Possibly.
- 1487. Why?
- 1488. She's the one.
- 1489. You killed Tea?
- 1490. She, whose cobalt eyes were
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
- 1491. I closed them.
- 1492. - You?
- Yes, I strangled her.
- 1493. Right over there, on that rug,
I strangled her.
- 1494. And, yes, I screwed her first.
- 1495. You raped and strangled...
- 1496. No, not rape.
- 1497. She wanted it.
- 1498. You're Iying.
- 1499. You can't take me
with a crude game like this.
- 1500. Honestly, Milo,
I gave you credit for better sport.
- 1501. When I was here yesterday, planting
the blood and clothes for old Doppler,
- 1502. Tea showed up looking for you,
- 1503. so I pitched her a little woo,
- 1504. as you would've said in your day,
and we danced cheek-to-cheek
- 1505. to those cornball big band oldies
- 1506. I mean, who but you would have them?
- 1507. Anyway, it worked.
- 1508. She got itchy,
and I had to scratch, didn't I?
- 1509. And afterwards, she got sleepy.
- 1510. And that's when I did it, old boy.
I wrung her neck.
- 1511. She was under
that freshly dug mound of earth
- 1512. - that old Doppler took such a fancy to.
- Was? You mean, she's not now?
- 1513. No, I moved her.
- 1514. Where to? The flooded gravel pit?
- 1515. - Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory?
- It doesn't matter where to.
- 1516. The police will find her in due course,
if they haven't found her already.
- 1517. The police?
- 1518. Yes, I phoned them about an hour ago
- 1519. and asked them
to meet me here at 10:00.
- 1520. They should arrive in about 15 minutes.
- 1521. I'm sure they will, too.
- 1522. Led, no doubt,
by intrepid, downy Inspector Doppler.
- 1523. Nope. It'll be a real cop, all right.
- 1524. Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
is his name. Check it, if you like.
- 1525. I told him a lot about you, Andrew.
- 1526. I said I knew you to be a man
obsessed with games playing
- 1527. and murder considered as a fine art.
- 1528. Your life's great ambition, I said,
of which you had often spoken,
- 1529. was to commit
an actual, real-life murder,
- 1530. hide the body, then leave clues
linking you with the crime
- 1531. scattered about the house.
- 1532. Convinced that the poor,
- 1533. would never recognise them
for what they were.
- 1534. "Please, sir, Andrew Wyke can't rest
until he's committed a real murder,
- 1535. "which is gonna make fools
out of all you coppers. "
- 1536. Honestly.
- 1537. Tell that to the average desk sergeant,
- 1538. and you'll find yourself strapped
straight into the giggle jacket.
- 1539. Not so, in fact.
- 1540. I told them that if they didn't believe me,
one look at your books
- 1541. and the furnishings of your house
would confirm what I said
- 1542. about your obsessions.
- 1543. I also told them that two days ago
- 1544. your girlfriend
came to my house in great distress,
- 1545. saying that you suspected her
of having affairs with other men,
- 1546. and threatened to kill her.
- 1547. I bet they believed every word of that.
- 1548. In the end, yes, they did.
- 1549. My dear boy.
- 1550. I do appreciate that
in spite of your denials
- 1551. you've been captivated
by the spirit of games playing,
- 1552. and the need, as you see it,
to win at any cost,
- 1553. but frankly, you are trying too hard
- 1554. to be a big boy, too soon.
- 1555. Hello.
- 1556. Hello, Joyce? It's Andrew.
- 1557. Can... Can I speak to Tea?
- 1558. She... What?
- 1559. Been strangled?
- 1560. Where was this?
- 1561. When was it?
- 1562. Where was she found?
- 1563. What?
- 1564. Joyce.
- 1565. I can't understand what you...
- 1566. Look, do try to control your...
- 1567. What?
- 1568. The police...
- 1569. Asking...
- 1570. Oh, my.
- 1571. You should've believed me.
- 1572. Now, we're gonna play the game.
- 1573. In a little over 13 minutes
the law will arrive.
- 1574. It's going to be your giant brain
- 1575. against their plodding ones.
- 1576. Concealed about this room
- 1577. are four clues incriminating
you as Tea's murderer.
- 1578. Including, as a final expression
of your contempt for the police,
- 1579. the murder weapon itself.
- 1580. Now, are you ready?
- 1581. You can't make a game
out of real murder.
- 1582. We'll see.
- 1583. Now, remember,
- 1584. four objects.
- 1585. Those that you don't find,
be sure the police will.
- 1586. And they're all in plain view.
- 1587. And the first object is
- 1588. a crystal bracelet.
- 1589. - The... What?
- 1590. - I tore it off her wrist. It's inscribed...
- All right. All right!
- 1591. I know how it's inscribed.
- 1592. - Would you like some help?
- Yes. Damn you!
- 1593. So soon?
- 1594. Now, where's my list?
- 1595. - Oh, God.
- Here it is.
- 1596. "For any man with half an eye
- 1597. "what stands before him he may spy
- 1598. "but optics sharp it needs and keen
to see what is not to be seen. "
- 1599. You said everything was in plain view!
- 1600. Well, aren't I
the shifty old sly boots, then?
- 1601. You're not giving me anything
of a chance, you bastard!
- 1602. Now, think, think, think.
- 1603. It's in plain view, yet not to be seen.
An optical trick's involved.
- 1604. An optical...
A key to see what is not to be seen
- 1605. by the naked eye. It's microscopic.
- 1606. Only a fragment of it is showing.
- 1607. The traditional tool of your trade,
- 1608. Why don't you ask yourself
- 1609. how your man Merrydick,
would go about the search?
- 1610. Merridew! St John Lord Merridew!
- 1611. Calm. Keep calm.
- 1612. Think.
What are the properties of crystal?
- 1613. Hard,
- 1614. brilliant,
- 1615. transparent.
- 1616. You look through it, but you don't see it.
That's the trick.
- 1617. Now, the only place to conceal
a transparent thing,
- 1618. so as to make it invisible,
and yet leave it in plain view
- 1619. is on or in
another transparent thing like...
- 1620. Like!
- 1621. Clear as crystal.
- 1622. But I don't need to destroy this, do I?
- 1623. - She could've left it here anytime.
- 1624. Go on. What next?
- 1625. The next object
is much more incriminating.
- 1626. Here's a little riddle, which I'm sure
- 1627. one of your nannies
must have taught you.
- 1628. Two brothers we are
Great burdens we bear
- 1629. On which we are bitterly pressed
- 1630. The truth is to say
We are full all the day
- 1631. And empty when we go to rest
- 1632. I know that. I know that.
Hold on. Just a minute.
- 1633. Full all the day, empty when we go...
I know! It's a pair of shoes!
- 1634. In this case, one lady's left black shoe,
- 1635. The other, I need hardly add,
is on Tea's foot.
- 1636. God! Poor Tea.
- 1637. Poor Tea, eh?
- 1638. That's better.
- 1639. Do you know that's
the first sign of sorrow you've shown
- 1640. since you heard of her death?
- 1641. You wouldn't put it here, anyway.
- 1642. Or even upstairs
among Marguerite's shoes.
- 1643. - Too obvious.
- Such grief is touching.
- 1644. You really are the salt of the earth,
you know that, Andrew?
- 1645. By the way,
that's a clue, if you're interested.
- 1646. Salt of the earth? Earth?
- 1647. It's buried... No, you buried the other.
- 1648. Salt, salt...
Salt and pepper. Saltpeter...
- 1649. Salt water... Salt... Cellar!
- 1650. It's in the cellar!
- 1651. You're really turned on,
aren't you, Andrew?
- 1652. Even though the game you're playing
is for your own life.
- 1653. You're practically having it off.
- 1654. Shoe, shoe!
- 1655. I ask myself,
- 1656. "If I was a black shoe,
where would I hide?
- 1657. "If I was as black as your hat.
- 1658. "If I was as black as the ace of spades.
- 1659. - "If I was as black as... "
- 1660. Dirty bastard!
- 1661. You dirty son of a bitch!
- 1662. You're getting warmer,
- 1663. and blacker.
- 1664. Must be quite a new experience for you.
- 1665. I don't suppose blacks
play much of a part
- 1666. in the books you write, do they?
- 1667. Except for the odd, eyeball rolling darkie
- 1668. to take his place
alongside the swarthy yid,
- 1669. the oily Levantine
and others of their kind.
- 1670. Oh, I'm sorry it's so messy.
- 1671. It's only earth.
- 1672. From Tea's first grave in your garden.
- 1673. Not so bad.
We're up of the clock, I think.
- 1674. - Barely.
- Well, what's next?
- 1675. What do you find so damned amusing?
- 1676. What the hell are you laughing at?
- 1677. - Are you sure you're all right?
- Yes, I'm all right.
- 1678. - Jack.
- 1679. Simple minded twit!
- 1680. You've been handing me the clue
- 1681. It's Jolly Jack Tar. It's on the sailor.
- 1682. True!
- 1683. That's where it is.
- 1684. But this time,
I am not going to tell you what it is.
- 1685. All right.
- 1686. He looked disappointed in you.
- 1687. But then, it's no laughing matter.
- 1688. Or is it?
- 1689. Do that again.
- 1690. My God,
he's never winked at me before.
- 1691. I suppose the other lash
is on one of poor Tea's eyes.
- 1692. She won't miss it.
- 1693. They're both closed.
- 1694. How much more time?
- 1695. You've got about five minutes.
Hardly enough, I'd say.
- 1696. There's one more thing left, I think,
the murder weapon.
- 1697. You strangled her over there,
- 1698. - A rope, belt, scarf...
- It bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew.
- 1699. I had to pry it loose.
- 1700. You'll pay for that, I promise,
you sadistic bloody wop!
- 1701. I hope I didn't hear that correctly.
- 1702. You're certain to need more help.
- 1703. I'd hate to have to start giving you
difficult Italian clues,
- 1704. - full of treachery and double meaning.
- All right. All right.
- 1705. As several wops have remarked
from time to time...
- 1706. Was that a clue?
- 1707. Say the damn thing again.
- 1708. No. Once more, please.
- 1709. What's the time. No...
- 1710. No.
- 1711. Gold, gold!
- 1712. All gold!
- 1713. Gold scintillates?
- 1714. Glitters.
- 1715. All that glisters is not gold.
- 1716. There will always be an England.
- 1717. You strangled her
with something golden and scintillating.
- 1718. What's that? A musical clue.
Right. Now, golden notes,
- 1719. golden scales, golden... It's a chord!
- 1720. You strangled her with a golden cord,
and like everybody does,
- 1721. you hid it behind the bell pull!
- 1722. No, damn it, you didn't.
- 1723. Anything goes in olden days!
- 1724. In olden days a glimpse of stocking
- 1725. Was looked on as something shock...
- 1726. Stocking! Where do you put stockings?
- 1727. On legs. Legs! The golden legs.
- 1728. Not a golden leg in the blasted house.
- 1729. Is it in this room?
- 1730. Bastard!
- 1731. In olden days a glimpse of stocking
- 1732. Was looked at as something shocking
- 1733. Now heaven knows, anything goes
- 1734. The world has gone mad today
- 1735. I think I can hear something.
- 1736. Andrew!
- 1737. Andrew!
- 1738. What?
- 1739. They're here. The police are here.
- 1740. It looks like you've had it.
- 1741. - They're coming up the drive.
- Keep them out!
- 1742. Keep the police out?
- 1743. It's just not done, old boy.
- 1744. But still, I'll try.
- 1745. Just one more minute.
- 1746. Stall them somehow. Please!
- 1747. Remember,
- 1748. in olden days
- 1749. a glimpse of stocking.
- 1750. Mr Tindle?
- 1751. - Olden days...
- I wasn't expecting to find you here, sir.
- 1752. - Glimpse...
- Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant.
- 1753. Olden days...
- 1754. Before tights, what?
- 1755. Nylon. Before nylon, what?
- 1756. Silk.
- 1757. Well, what else. What...
- 1758. Clock.
- 1759. Stockings had clocks.
- 1760. In olden days...
- 1761. Glimpse...
- 1762. Now you see it,
- 1763. now you don't.
- 1764. It wouldn't take long to dig up, Sergeant.
- 1765. Why don't I have a go at it?
- 1766. Well, surely...
- 1767. Just let me tell him you're here.
- 1768. Andrew.
- 1769. Is it all right if I introduce
- 1770. Detective Sergeant Tarrant
and Constable Higgs?
- 1771. Yes, of course. Come in, gentlemen.
- 1772. Come in, do have...
- 1773. Or should I say, Inspector Plodder
- 1774. and Constable Freshface.
- 1775. Thank you, Sergeant.
We won't be needing you after all.
- 1776. That's all right, sir.
- 1777. Better to be safe than sorry,
that's what I always say, sir.
- 1778. - Good night, Sergeant.
- Good night, sir.
- 1779. Good night, Constable.
- 1780. Good night, sir.
- 1781. First, I suppose
you'll want to know about Tea.
- 1782. She did call yesterday
- 1783. while I was setting up
the Doppler scene,
- 1784. and I told her about the trick
that you played on me with the gun,
- 1785. and she wasn't a bit surprised.
- 1786. She knows only too well
the kind of games you like to play,
- 1787. the kind of humiliation you enjoy
inflicting on other people.
- 1788. I explained to her that I wanted
to play a game and get even with you,
- 1789. and I asked her to lend me a stocking,
a shoe, a false eyelash
- 1790. and that bracelet that you'd bought her.
- 1791. And she was happy to help,
- 1792. and so was her flatmate, Joyce.
- 1793. Would you like to phone Tea?
- 1794. She'll talk to you now.
- 1795. But then, you wouldn't have very much
to say to her, would you?
- 1796. She's not really your mistress, is she?
- 1797. She told me that you and her
haven't made it together for over a year.
- 1798. She also told me
that you are practically impotent.
- 1799. Not at all, in fact, the selector's choice
for the next Olympics.
- 1800. I warned you, Andrew.
- 1801. I don't play games for the sport!
- 1802. Particularly not games of humiliation.
- 1803. I know too much about that.
- 1804. Where are you going?
- 1805. I'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat.
- 1806. - She's not coming back?
- 1807. I live
- 1808. as I want to live.
- 1809. You know, I've been
thinking of that writer you told me about.
- 1810. And it is my opinion
that your detective stories
- 1811. are the normal recreation
of snobbish, out-dated,
- 1812. life-hating, ignoble minds.
- 1813. I'll get that fur coat now.
- 1814. You see.
- 1815. You see.
- 1816. Inspector,
- 1817. I was working in my study
- 1818. when I heard a noise in here,
- 1819. so I took my revolver,
- 1820. and I came in here
- 1821. to investigate.
- 1822. Here was this young man
- 1823. running down the stairs
- 1824. with my wife's fur coat over his arm.
- 1825. I shouted for him to stop,
- 1826. but he wouldn't pay any attention,
- 1827. but ran on towards the door
- 1828. hoping to make his escape.
- 1829. Naturally, I fired.
- 1830. I aimed low.
- 1831. Believe me, Inspector, I did.
- 1832. The most appalling thing happened.
- 1833. I shot him dead.
- 1834. That's all right, sir.
- 1835. Don't distress yourself unduly.
- 1836. A thing like that
could happen to anyone.
- 1837. I can't let you go now.
- 1838. What do you mean?
- 1839. Going about
- 1840. telling everyone.
- 1841. It's just not possible.
- 1842. Who... Whom would I tell?
- 1843. Who'd be interested?
- 1844. One person would be too many,
- 1845. Especially Marguerite.
- 1846. What are you going to do then, Andrew?
- 1847. Shoot me down?
- 1848. - Play that old burglar game again?
- That's right.
- 1849. - It wouldn't work now.
- 1850. Why not I wonder.
- 1851. Because of what really happened
after I left here last Friday night.
- 1852. What really happened?
- 1853. I did lurch home
- 1854. dazed, dirty and humiliated.
- 1855. And I sat up all night.
- 1856. And in the morning,
- 1857. I went to the police station
- 1858. and I told them what you'd done to me.
- 1859. And one of them,
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
- 1860. yes, he's real.
- 1861. He took me into a little room,
and we had a long chat,
- 1862. but I don't think
he paid very much attention
- 1863. to anything I said.
- 1864. So I thought to myself,
- 1865. "He's not gonna do anything about this. "
- 1866. No? Why not?
- 1867. You know the answer to that
just as well as I do.
- 1868. In his eyes,
I'm just some common little git
- 1869. who's been screwing the wife
of a local noble
- 1870. and got what he deserved.
- 1871. So perhaps the police won't come by
as I said they would,
- 1872. but even if they don't,
- 1873. they'd never believe
that burglar story of yours. Not now.
- 1874. So, you see, you've lost.
- 1875. You can't fool me any more, Milo.
- 1876. I haven't believed a single word
you've been saying.
- 1877. It's the truth.
- 1878. Liar.
- 1879. Phone Sergeant Tarrant
if you don't believe me.
- 1880. You come here and announce
your intention to steal away my wife.
- 1881. You pry into my manhood,
- 1882. you lecture me on ignoble minds
- 1883. and you mock the creation of my life,
- 1884. St John Lord Merridew.
- 1885. Well, they're all real bullets this time.
- 1886. The game's over, Andrew.
- 1887. I'm going home now.
- 1888. Milo, you do see
- 1889. I'm not really a very good games player.
- 1890. I mean to say,
- 1891. never play the same game
three times running.
- 1892. Andrew?
- 1893. Don't forget.
- 1894. Be sure and tell them
- 1895. it was just
- 1896. a bloody game.