Shrek the Halls (2007)

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Mike Myers as Shrek (voice) • Eddie Murphy as Donkey (voice) • Cameron Diaz as Princess Fiona (voice) • Antonio Banderas as Puss in Boots (voice) • Cody Cameron as Pinocchio / Three Pigs (voice) • Conrad Vernon as Gingerbread Man (voice) • Aron Warner as Wolf (voice)

The Christmas tree isn't the only thing green in this new holiday classic. Shrek is back and trying to get into the spirit of the season. After promising Fiona and the kids a Christmas they'll remember, he is forced to take a crash course in the holi...

United States of America • Adventure • Fantasy • Animation • Comedy • Family

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. All clean.

2. He sees you when you're sleepin' He knows when you're awake

3. What are you doing here?

4. - And what are you talking about? - I'm talkin' about Santa Claus!

5. Only 159 days left till Christmas, so you better be good.

6. I'd better be good? How 'bout this? You better be scarce. Now go on.

7. I don't care about Christmas.

8. Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

9. - Donkey! - 51 days left till Christmas.

10. Get your butt in gear and get your marshmallows,

11. because without marshmallows, sweet potatoes are nothin'!

12. Enough! I don't care about any of this nonsense.

13. Now shoo!

14. OK. But don't say I didn't say I told you so.

15. Smashing through the snow And laughin' all the way

16. It's finally here. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! Got everything ready?

17. - No. - You haven't trimmed stockings

18. or hung your chestnuts or roasted the tree?

19. - Or figgified your puddin'? - Donkey!

20. Will you get it through your head?

21. No one here gives a hoot about Christmas!

22. A white Christmas! How perfect.

23. And it's our first one together as a family. Isn't this exciting?

24. Oh, yeah! How 'bout that?

25. There's somethin' Shrek needs to...

26. Don't ruin the surprise for her, Donkey.

27. Surprise? Oh, I love surprises!

28. You're the best. Come on, let's go make some cookies.

29. OK, you a dead man. You know that?

30. Hold that thought. I'll be right back.

31. Good, you're still open.

32. No, we're closing now. Merry Christmas.

33. Wait, wait, wait! I need your help. I have to make a Christmas,

34. and I have no idea what it is or how to do it!

35. Why didn't you say so? That's super.

36. I know all about Christmas, and I've just the book.

37. Christmas for Village Idiots. It's all spelled out. See?

38. One, decorate house. Two, the stockings by the fireplace.

39. Step three, the Christmas feast.

40. - What's that? - Step four? The Christmas tree!

41. The tree goes inside the house?

42. Anyway, step five, the telling of the Christmas story.

43. This is the step that says I created the perfect Christmas

44. for my perfect family perfectly. Family by the fire,

45. everyone cozy and warm. Happy, happy. Voila!

46. - Sure. - Long story short,

47. it's all right here. It's no problem.

48. - Perfect. - I mean, how hard can it be?

49. - I didn't get the eggnog! - Closed? What do you mean?

50. - Dwight the Knight action figure? - Marshmallows!

51. Sweet potatoes are nothing without marshmallows!

52. Bye-bye. Have a super Christmas.

53. Honey, is that you?

54. Fiona! What are you doing up so early?

55. - Are you OK? - I'm all right.

56. What are you...? Are you decorating?

57. - Yeah, that. Surprised? - Yes.

58. Well, this is our first Christmas together as a family,

59. and, you know, I just want to make sure that it's perfect.

60. Shrek, I think... it's beautiful.

61. - It's passable. - It's horrible!

62. - Donkey! - They usually toilet paper and run.

63. Whoever did this means business! Get rid of all this

64. and get tinsel and doilies and ribbons

65. and some plastic reindeer.

66. What is it you wanted today?

67. It's Christmas Eve! I've brought you a little somethin'.

68. Go ahead, take a couple. I bought plenty for everybody!

69. Isn't that... nice.

70. Well, thanks for stopping by for that brief visit, but as you can see,

71. there's a lot of work to do.

72. Just like him to wait till last minute.

73. Don't worry, there's one thing I know, it's Christmas.

74. He's gonna want help, advice, and he's definitely...

75. Actually, I think what he really wants is a nice family Christmas.

76. Oh, a family Christmas.

77. Yeah. It's the first one with the kids.

78. Don't say a word. I know exactly what you mean.

79. I got a lotto do now, so I better get movin'.

80. Thank you, Donkey! And Merry Christmas!

81. All right. Merry Christmas!

82. Love and joy come to you and to me some waffles too

83. Donkey's right. It's Christmas Eve.

84. How am lever gonna get this done in time?

85. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

86. And we're going to do it together, so come on.

87. Everything looks so good!

88. Nice job, honey.

89. Well, we all did it together.

90. Now what would the perfect Christmas be without a Christmas story?

91. 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

92. Not a creature was stirring... What?

93. - Merry Christmas, Shrek! - Oh, not you!

94. We're hereto smother you with Christmas love!

95. Absolutely not! Bad Donkey! Go home!

96. How are you gonna have Christmas without family?

97. - Seasons greeting! - Happy Holidays!

98. - Merry Christmas! - A nice surprise!

99. Oh, yeah.

100. OK, I will assume the position.

101. - I am the joy-filled swine! - Yay, for the season of love!

102. This is where Christmas stockings go. You can't be hanging laundry up!

103. Donkey! Don't touch anything.

104. How we gonna roast chestnuts on this little bitty fire?

105. He)!' baby, you mind?

106. - Oh, boy! - This way, gents.

107. That was our supper!

108. Hey!

109. Did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven?

110. - Where are we going to put it? - I don't know.

111. - Let's put it over here. - No, that is not with the feng shui.

112. Come on, everybody, let's dance!

113. - Occupied! - It's me. Shrek?

114. - Yes? - Come back to the party. Please?

115. I don't think that'd be such a good idea.

116. Come on. It's not that bad.

117. OK, I know you're not a party person, but...

118. But what? This is not the kind of Christmas I had in mind.

119. They're our friends, Shrek. They all mean well.

120. - How many babies did Fiona have? - She has babies?

121. - I don't know. - I better get back to the house.

122. Surprised we have a house to go back to.

123. - Are you coming? - I can hardly wait.

124. Finally!

125. Look at him go!

126. Excuse me! Excuse me!

127. Excuse you for what?

128. I don't feel very good.

129. - I feel better now. - A chocolate chip!

130. Sweetheart?

131. Mind if I cut in?

132. Don't stop believing

133. Up and down the boulevard

134. I am a little Christmas angel!

135. Hey there, my sweeties.

136. Would you like Daddy to finish the story for you?

137. Yeah?

138. The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

139. - while visions of sugarplums... - Were you tellin' 'em

140. The Night Before Christmas? That's the best Christmas story ever!

141. - I'm the best teller ever! - Donkey...

142. I got it committed to memorization!

143. - Gather round! - Donkey! Wait!

144. I'm supposed to tell the Christmas story.

145. 'Twas the night before Christmas and I spent all the day

146. Finishin' up on my Christmas display

147. Now, missin' all this would be nothin' but tragic

148. So just follow me and I'll show you the magic

149. Now, out in the yard in a glorious clutter

150. ls a spectacle there that'll make your heart flutter

151. With 20-foot cheese balls and a big eggnog fountain

152. And yodelin' elves on an ambrosia mountain

153. A stage where acrobats jump, leap and prance

154. And honor the day through interpretive dance

155. But just when you think the display is complete

156. The Christmas parade comes right down the street

157. With holiday floats all in silver and blue

158. With sugarplum fairies and a reindeer or two

159. There's a baton-twirlin' snowman all happy and perky

160. Magical peacocks and a dancin' roast turkey

161. And right when you think that you've just seen it all

162. Comes a huge waffle Santa that's 50 feet tall

163. Ho, ho, ho!

164. With syrup and butter the sight just amazes

165. As it's flanked by a choir all singin' his praises

166. - Donkey. - Santa?

167. - Donkey! - Santa!

168. Donkey!

169. Very inappropriate, amigo. Please, allow me.

170. - Oh, Puss, not you too. - In my homeland,

171. we tell a very different tale of the Santa Nicholas.

172. He's not made of waffles.

173. This Santa was suave He was nothing like that

174. The Santa I know was a hot Latin cat

175. He was dressed all in fur from his head to his paws

176. And he stood there heroic A real Santa... Claws

177. Red are his boots

178. - And so is his cape - Olé!

179. His sword is a cane that tastes like crab cake

180. He wears a fine belt and a leather cravat

181. And there's a cute fuzzy thing which hangs down from his hat

182. I have shamed myself.

183. - Olé! - All right, everybody,

184. if you leave now, you can beat the holiday traffic.

185. Phooey with all your sunshine and lollipops!

186. Where I come from, Christmas is a nightmare.

187. 'Twas the night before Christmas and the prettiest sights

188. Were my sweetheart beside me in the bright Christmas lights

189. until they got home.

190. When they looked at the car door handle, and they found a hook!

191. Gingy, cut it out! You're really givin' me the creeps!

192. Oh, come on, I was just teasin'.

193. Come here, you.

194. Gingy, I couldn't stay mad at you.

195. What was that?

196. Oh, no, you don't. I'm not fallin' for that again.

197. No, I'm really, really seriously not kidding.

198. Gingy!

199. Suzie!

200. No! No! No!

201. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

202. - That's not how it goes. - You weren't there!

203. All right, everyone, I've had just about enough!

204. All I wanted was a nice Christmas with my family.

205. That's exactly why we're all here! Come on, let's finish tellin' my story.

206. No, Donkey, that's not what I meant. And get out of my chair.

207. - Hey, what's this? - Donkey, let go of the book.

208. - Why are you whisperin'? - I'm not kiddin'. Give me the book!

209. - Heimlich! - Ja?

210. - No, Heimlich! - Oh, ja!

211. My eye!

212. Stop, drop and roll, Shrek!

213. - Somebody get some water! - I got it!

214. Don't worry, Shrek, everything is under control!

215. Oh, boy.

216. - The tea is ready. - Out!

217. I want everybody out of my house right now!

218. Well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas!

219. And if you think I'm gonna give you a present now, you are sadly mistaken!

220. You want to give me a present? Then go away!

221. - That's all I wanted! - Fine! I'm going!

222. Good, then go!

223. You go and have yourself a merry Christmas.

224. - Ebenezer Shrek! - And a "Bah, humbug" to you too!

225. - We could come to our house. - We have plenty of schnitzel.

226. Now maybe we can...

227. Fiona? Where you going?

228. Shrek, you just kicked everybody out on Christmas.

229. Well, that wasn't Christmas. That was chaos!

230. Look, I know it didn't go like you wanted.

231. What I wanted was a perfect Christmas for me and my family.

232. - That was our family. - You call that a family?

233. That was a natural disaster!

234. On Christmas, that's how it works. Yes, it was crowded.

235. Yes, it got a little out of hand.

236. - Fiona, they lit me on fire! - Shrek...

237. I had everything under control until they showed up

238. and ruined my Christmas!

239. - Your Christmas? - I mean our Christmas.

240. For you, and the babies.

241. Christmas is not just about you or me. Or even the babies.

242. You just don't get it.

243. I have to go. I need to apologize to our friends.

244. Fiona, wait.

245. I don't understand why Shrek had to be so mean and cranky.

246. We were tryin' to do what you wanted!

247. - What're you talking about? - What you said this morning.

248. You and Shrek wanted to have a big, noisy family Christmas.

249. I said it was our first Christmas together as a family.

250. Right. That's me and everybody else.

251. Then he lost his temper like that.

252. You know, Donkey, none of us really asked Shrek what he wanted.

253. I must agree with the Princess. And you, were no Christmas angel.

254. - I don't remember askin' you anything! - Donkey.

255. I'm sorry, Princess. You're right.

256. - Still, Shrek didn't have to be so... - What?

257. Pigheaded? Stubborn? Mean?

258. Well, maybe I am all those things, but I'm an ogre, OK?

259. So here's the thing.

260. I'm sorry you took getting kicked out of my house the wrong way.

261. No, wait. What I meant to say is

262. I know you're just trying to be helpful in your irritating fashion...

263. Ay, caramba!

264. Some people can't help being annoying.

265. - Shrek! - Look,

266. I shouldn't have lost my temper.

267. - Apology accepted. Let's eat. - Wait a minute.

268. There's somethin' more to this. Come on, what's goin' on?

269. Look, all I wanted was to make this perfect for my family,

270. but I don't even know what Christmas means.

271. The thing is, this is my first Christmas too.

272. Hold up, Shrek! You mean that you never had...

273. - No. - Not even one?

274. - No! - You mean no chestnuts,

275. no Santa, no presents, no stockings?

276. - No nut cakes? - Donkey!

277. No, none of that.

278. Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.

279. Ogres don't celebrate anything.

280. Oh, man, now I'm all emotional.

281. - Come here, gimme a hug! - All right, that's close enough.

282. OK, all right, I just... guess I got... a little

283. excited about Christmas and all the presents and mistletoe

284. and everything, and I forgot that it's...

285. It's about us all bein' together, and I'm... I'm sorry, Shrek.

286. I know, Donkey, and... and I'm sorry it ended up in a great big fight.

287. Christmas is all about big fights.

288. My mama used to say, "Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries."

289. Usually that someone's me.

290. There is no right way to do Christmas. You just do it.

291. Ja, with schnitzel!

292. - And eggnog! - And cheese!

293. - And family. - Yeah. And family.

294. So despite the fact that you drive me crazy at times...

295. Yes, Donkey, I'm lookin' at you.

296. It would mean a lot to me if you'd all come back and join us.

297. OK, I guess I deserved that.

298. Don't push your luck.

299. They got you good, Shrek!

300. That wasn't even funny! Who did that?

301. Well, that's the last of the spare blankets.

302. Sorry, but this is my spot. I never get the good spots, so I specifically...

303. So we are pigs, pigs in the blanket, ja?

304. - Ja. - Ja.

305. - This is funny then, ja? - Ja, ja.

306. - This is funny. - Ja.

307. - Yep, that's a good one. - Good night, everyone.

308. - It's time for lights out. - We can't go to sleep yet.

309. We haven't heard a bedtime story. Right?

310. Shrek, yeah!

311. All right. All right.

312. Don't need this.

313. OK.

314. 'Twas the night before Christmas

315. Not a swamp rat did creep

316. As mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep

317. Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop

318. For 'twas sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop

319. Yet who was arriving to help this lost cause?

320. The foul, the vile and handsome Ogre Claus

321. Hey. How's it goin'?

322. He looked all around and scratched at his beard

323. And said...

324. And said...

325. This place is worse than I thought... feared.

326. So he grabbed up his belly and screwed up his face

327. And let loose a...

328. That transformed the place

329. With a gleam in his eye his work here was done

330. And then to the babies he gave one by one

331. A festering bottle of stinky swamp juice

332. And for mommy a kiss and a good Christmas goose

333. Four hundred twenty five degrees, 20 minutes per pound.

334. Then digging a finger inside of his nose

335. And giving a nod up the chimney he rose

336. And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

337. "Smelly Christmas to all, and to all a gross night!"

338. Ho, ho, ho!

339. Ho, ho, ho!

340. - Ho, ho, ho! - Santa?

341. Ho, ho, ho!