1. 'Once upon a time,
in a town not far from yours,Copy !req
2. 'there lived a real fast guy.Copy !req
3. 'His life was fast.
His friends were fast.Copy !req
4. 'Even his food was fast.Copy !req
5. 'But he was still
not satisfied.Copy !req
6. 'He wanted to share
his fast philosophyCopy !req
7. 'with someone else:Copy !req
8. 'a beautiful girl.Copy !req
9. 'The trouble was
she was in the arms ofCopy !req
10. 'another man.'Copy !req
11. Whoops!Copy !req
12. Good luck, honey.Copy !req
13. - What are we gonna do, Janet?
- It's all right, Brad.Copy !req
14. Everything's gonna be
all right.Copy !req
15. Well, how about that?Copy !req
16. Wasn't that terrific?Copy !req
17. And now for,
well, certainly...Copy !req
18. my favourite part of the show...Copy !req
19. - and I sincerely hope yours at home.
- Get the whole crowd.Copy !req
20. - Our regular in-depth discussion...
- Dressing room. Right here.Copy !req
21. with Judge Oliver Wright,Copy !req
22. Denton's leading
social scientist.Copy !req
23. - Judge Wright?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
24. Did you enjoy
our anthem?Copy !req
25. In a way.Copy !req
26. I detect a note
of reticence.Copy !req
27. Are you perhaps
one of those amongst us...Copy !req
28. who feel this emotive form of presentation
is overly manipulative?Copy !req
29. Well, Betty,
there are many waysCopy !req
30. that the spider
may catch the fly.Copy !req
31. There are
monetary inducements.Copy !req
32. - Hi, Brad. Hi, Janet. Come for Marriage Maze?
- 'Extortion.'Copy !req
33. Seduction.Copy !req
34. I'm exhausted working on this documentary
for Farley's new show.Copy !req
35. - Hmm?
- 'Blackmail.'Copy !req
36. - Farley Flavours, our new sponsor.
- Oh.Copy !req
37. - Whoo.
- 'Prejudice.'Copy !req
38. I tell you, Janet,
that guy's as close as we'll comeCopy !req
39. to a successful man
in this town.Copy !req
40. - 'And lies.'
- 'Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright.'Copy !req
41. And now for
a commercial break.Copy !req
42. Okay, kids, let's hear
the five Fs for today.Copy !req
43. - "F" for...
- Farley!Copy !req
44. - "F" for...
- Flavours!Copy !req
45. - "F" for...
- Fabulous!Copy !req
46. - "F" for...
- Fast!Copy !req
47. - And "F" for...
- Five!Copy !req
48. 'First and foremost,Copy !req
49. 'Farley Flavours'
fabulous fast foodsCopy !req
50. 'feed and fortify families
for a fabulous future.'Copy !req
51. 'Stand by for Marriage Maze.
Strike Denton Dossier.'Copy !req
52. Thank you so much, Judge Wright,
for another wonderful interview.Copy !req
53. Judge Wright? Oh, come on, Betty.
First names surely.Copy !req
54. Oh. Oliver. You're so tolerant.Copy !req
55. Time for a coffee break
before you rush off?Copy !req
56. I'd love to, that is if you don't mind
being seen with an older man.Copy !req
57. Why, Oliver.Copy !req
58. Since Ralph and I separated,
maturity is something I look for in a man.Copy !req
59. - Hi, Ollie.
- Hi, Betty.Copy !req
60. - Hi, Betty.
- Hello, Neely.Copy !req
61. You keep up that
high standard of interviewCopy !req
62. and I'm gonna have to include you
in Farley's documentary.Copy !req
63. You're so probing.Copy !req
64. A free thinker.Copy !req
65. Everything's free there.Copy !req
66. - Hi, Betty. The usual?
- Plus one.Copy !req
67. There you go. Hi, Max. Hey, you gonna
be watching Marriage Maze?Copy !req
68. - Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour.
- Yeah.Copy !req
69. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
70. - This could be a major step forward for him.
- Yeah, a leap in the dark.Copy !req
71. I better go check on the Bert.
Otherwise...Copy !req
72. - Right.
- Good luck.Copy !req
73. Okay.Copy !req
74. 'And here to bring your just dessertsCopy !req
75. 'and a recipe
for a perfect marriageCopy !req
76. 'is that gorgeous gourmet,Copy !req
77. 'tossing the uproarious
salad of life,Copy !req
78. 'Marriage Maze host,
Bert Schnick.'Copy !req
79. 'Three seconds.'Copy !req
80. - Hoopla, Denton!
- Hoopla, Bert!Copy !req
81. Thank you. Welcome.
Thank you.Copy !req
82. Before we start I want to say one or two words
about tomorrow night's great new show...Copy !req
83. The Faith Factory Sh...Copy !req
84. And as a matter of fact,
we have in the studio audience tonightCopy !req
85. the host
and his lovely cohost.Copy !req
86. Give a big hand, please,
to Ralph HapschattCopy !req
87. and the vivacious
Macy Struthers.Copy !req
88. Hey, Ralph!Copy !req
89. Let's get a camera in there,
for heaven's sake.Copy !req
90. - Over the moon about that commercial, Macy.
- Thanks, Bert.Copy !req
91. Got a good show lined up
for us tomorrow night, Ralph?Copy !req
92. You bet, Bert!Copy !req
93. Good! I'm gonna be there!
Ain't we all, viewers?Copy !req
94. 'Macy Struthers with my husband.
God, I must've been blind.'Copy !req
95. Still, the weaker the man,
the dumber the blonde.Copy !req
96. Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors
sitting in the audience there?Copy !req
97. 'What an ideal couple they are.Copy !req
98. 'You know, more than anyone else in Denton,
they represent the old values.'Copy !req
99. Ike would have
been proud of them.Copy !req
100. And now, would the first couple who seem
to have made a hash of their marriageCopy !req
101. and cooked their goose,
step this way, please!Copy !req
102. - You!
- That's us, Brad.Copy !req
103. Come on. What's cooking up there?
Come on down, you guys.Copy !req
104. Let's feel you.Copy !req
105. - I'm not going, Janet.
- You've got to. Everyone's watching.Copy !req
106. Face the cameras.
Face the cameras.Copy !req
107. Now introduce yourselves.Copy !req
108. - My name is Brad...
- I'm Janet... Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
109. I'm Janet Majors,
and this is my husband Brad.Copy !req
110. Hey, Brad, we've been hearing some
bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?Copy !req
111. - Haven't we, Janet?
- Uh, yes, he needs help.Copy !req
112. Help? Let's face it, Janet.Copy !req
113. Brad's an emotional cripple.Copy !req
114. 'I know, I know.'Copy !req
115. It looks like Rest Home for
this stupid old marriage, eh?Copy !req
116. Tell me, Janet.
'Do you watch Dentonvale?Copy !req
117. Uh, yes, I've caught it
once or twice.Copy !req
118. That's right. DTV's
most popular hospital seriesCopy !req
119. featuring those perennial favourites,
Nation and Cosmo McKinley.Copy !req
120. Neuro-specialists
par excellence.Copy !req
121. I recommend, if you
pardon my French, Janet,Copy !req
122. that you send Brad
to them for treatment.Copy !req
123. Oh, uh, well, I know he's a little boring,
but neuro-specialists?Copy !req
124. - That sounds a little drastic.
- It's no use pussyfooting around, Janet.Copy !req
125. We have to cut quick and deep.Copy !req
126. McKinley? McKinley?Copy !req
127. - Bert brought them over from Europe.
- Oh?Copy !req
128. They had a very popular series together.
It's still rerun in a lot of countries.Copy !req
129. - You must have seen them in Dentonvale?
- No, I never watch that.Copy !req
130. I'm afraid there's only one
solution. Isn't there, folks?Copy !req
131. One, two, three.Copy !req
132. Dentonvale!Copy !req
133. Hoopla!
Don't go away!Copy !req
134. We'll be right back to see
if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.Copy !req
135. Great.Copy !req
136. Congratulations. I think
you've made a wise decision.Copy !req
137. - But... But I...
- Janet?Copy !req
138. - I'm not going.
- What do you mean, you're not going?Copy !req
139. You'll ruin the show.
Bert's made all the arrangements.Copy !req
140. But I don't
need treatment.Copy !req
141. 'But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?'Copy !req
142. Doesn't he?Copy !req
143. I am sick of being humiliated by you!
Bert's right. You're going.Copy !req
144. 'It looks like Brad
and Janet Majors have a big decision to make.Copy !req
145. 'Here's some more prizes
to amaze here on Marriage Maze.'Copy !req
146. - 'Just look at this.'
- ♪ RefrigeratorCopy !req
147. 'Living on a knife edge?'Copy !req
148. 'Now it's back to Marriage Maze. And for
those of you who are Dentonvale watchers,Copy !req
149. 'here's our
surprise guest.Copy !req
150. - 'And here's Bert!'
- Hey, folks! It's Ricky from the Rest Home.Copy !req
151. - Hey, Bert.
- Hey, Ricky.Copy !req
152. I've come for Mr. Majors.Copy !req
153. Brad will learn how to care
in the surgical chair.Copy !req
154. - Nothing serious, I hope?
- Oh, no. Just a routine checkup.Copy !req
155. Just a routine checkup,
eh, viewers?Copy !req
156. 'Come in.'Copy !req
157. 'Well, Bert's done it again.Copy !req
158. 'Another rocky marriage
is headed for intensive care.'Copy !req
159. The subject is committed.Copy !req
160. As are we all.Copy !req
161. 'Dentonvale.Copy !req
162. 'The arrival.
Introducing Brad and Janet Majors.'Copy !req
163. Ah, Mr. And Mrs. Majors.
How wonderful to see you.Copy !req
164. I'm Doctor Cosmo McKinley,Copy !req
165. and this is my sister
and colleague,Copy !req
166. Dr. Nation McKinley.Copy !req
167. We understand you've been
going through a rather trying time.Copy !req
168. Well, yes, we have.Copy !req
169. Now listen. There's...
there's nothing really wrong with me.Copy !req
170. Janet and I haven't
been getting along too well latelyCopy !req
171. and I've had a little...
a little trouble...Copy !req
172. - Oh, Brad.
- Ooh.Copy !req
173. - Does he do this often?
- No, he's never done this before.Copy !req
174. Good.
Then there's still hope.Copy !req
175. Lots and lots of hope.Copy !req
176. If anyone can help Brad, we can.Copy !req
177. - Well, he does need help.
- Nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.Copy !req
178. - Oh, that was real short notice
because the other models...
- Attend to Mr. Majors, Nurse.Copy !req
179. There are just one or two formalities
that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.Copy !req
180. A contract to be signed.Copy !req
181. Oh, could I do that
later, please?Copy !req
182. Of course you can, Mrs. Majors.Copy !req
183. Sign the contract tomorrow.Copy !req
184. Ouch! Mrs. Majors.
Just one or two details.Copy !req
185. Does Brad have any living relatives...
any blood relatives?Copy !req
186. - No, he doesn't. Could I take care of this later?
- Of course.Copy !req
187. Why did you tell me
not to sign now?Copy !req
188. Well, that way you
get the first day free.Copy !req
189. 'Here's Bert, that eternal showbiz wiz,Copy !req
190. 'with a family connection
in the 30-Second Quiz.'Copy !req
191. As Janet's parents,
this should be really easy.Copy !req
192. About Brad's family?Copy !req
193. Your last clue is...Copy !req
194. mental instability.Copy !req
195. You have 30 seconds.Copy !req
196. Mental instability?Copy !req
197. - He was adopted, you know.
- Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten.Copy !req
198. Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited
craziness when they married.Copy !req
199. I said to Janet,
"What do we know of his parents?"Copy !req
200. - Which leads us to...
- 'This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert...Copy !req
201. 'which is a delirious stay in
that evergreen series Happy Homes,Copy !req
202. - 'with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.'
- Infantile regression?Copy !req
203. - You got it!
- I got it!Copy !req
204. - She got it! She got it!
- I got it!Copy !req
205. I got it!Copy !req
206. She got it!Copy !req
207. Congratulations. Congratulations.
And it's Happy Homes...Copy !req
208. to Harry and Emily Weiss
of Denton.Copy !req
209. Aha.Copy !req
210. I got it! I got it!Copy !req
211. She got it! She got it!Copy !req
212. In one.
Infantile regression.Copy !req
213. Our speciality!Copy !req
214. - Your speciality.
- I can't wait to begin on him.Copy !req
215. Really, Bert, I don't know what
we'd do without you.Copy !req
216. I must confess...Copy !req
217. the decision to have Brad committed
was not strictly my own.Copy !req
218. No, of course.
There's Janet.Copy !req
219. But if she was
so keen on getting him in here,Copy !req
220. why wouldn't she sign
the contract?Copy !req
221. No, it wasn't Janet
exactly.Copy !req
222. - It was, in fact, your new sponsor.
- Sponsor?Copy !req
223. - Dentonvale has been sold.
- Sold?Copy !req
224. Dear old Bert's
settled everything.Copy !req
225. Ja, you endorse
his Faith Factory...Copy !req
226. - and he endorses your research.
- He?Copy !req
227. How dare this person take
advantage of my weakness!Copy !req
228. I don't think he intends
to go that far.Copy !req
229. - Oh, my poor baby.
- Oh, Mom, it's Brad.Copy !req
230. I know. I know, baby.
He's gonna get all the help he needs.Copy !req
231. - But in the meantime, look. For you.
- What is it?Copy !req
232. They call it a new look
at an old favourite.Copy !req
233. I copied it from
The Window on the World show.Copy !req
234. - The Far East meets the Midwest.
- Mom...Copy !req
235. It's just what
the doctor ordered, I know.Copy !req
236. - Come on in. My favourite show's just started.
- What show?Copy !req
237. Dentonvale.Copy !req
238. 'Love starts in the home,Copy !req
239. 'and where better to
find this than in today's Happy Homes.Copy !req
240. 'With guest star,
Janet Majors.'Copy !req
241. 'If you're sick of having
the goodness boiled away out of your coffee,Copy !req
242. 'replace that old perk of yours with
a coffeemaker of prestigious distinction.Copy !req
243. 'And be the envy of all
with a coffeemaker that says it all.'Copy !req
244. 'Oh, thanks.'Copy !req
245. 'When that man of yours comes in from
the big outdoors with a burning thirstCopy !req
246. 'that only Lake Michigan
could satisfy,Copy !req
247. 'make sure there's a cold can
of Krautmeister Light in the icebox.Copy !req
248. 'He'll thank you for it.Copy !req
249. 'And he'll thank Krautmeister.'Copy !req
250. For crying out loud, Emily.
Leave her alone. She's not a kid.Copy !req
251. - Well, I wanted to see her in it.
- It's really very nice.Copy !req
252. The material is imported.
Taiwanese.Copy !req
253. Damn it, Emily.
She's not interested.Copy !req
254. What are you trying to do,
Harry, start an argument?Copy !req
255. Don't you want your daughter
to look pretty?Copy !req
256. Who's she got
to look pretty for?Copy !req
257. - She's got a husband.
- She's got a weirdo!Copy !req
258. I've never been able to afford the time
to have a nervous breakdown!Copy !req
259. - Oh, poor Brad.
- Thank God he was born an orphan.Copy !req
260. It would have killed
his parents.Copy !req
261. And thank goodness he hasn't ended up
like that Slepstrini boy.Copy !req
262. What are you talking about?
Danny Slepstrini's a chip off the old block.Copy !req
263. I played 18 holes of golf
with his father just last week,Copy !req
264. and Hank says that Danny's moved
to New York to... better himself.Copy !req
265. He moved, all right...Copy !req
266. when they found him at the back of
Wilson's Bakery... naked...Copy !req
267. with 15 other men.Copy !req
268. Mexicans.Copy !req
269. I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs
that need doing outside!Copy !req
270. - You shouldn't have said that.
- But why?Copy !req
271. Your father doesn't
like Mexicans.Copy !req
272. 'Your father doesn't
like Mexicans.'Copy !req
273. What a meal!Copy !req
274. Scrumptious, meine Liebling.
I insist on the recipe.Copy !req
275. Coming from a gourmet,
that's praise indeed. But... secrets.Copy !req
276. Oh.Copy !req
277. With Fast-Food Farley at the helm,
it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.Copy !req
278. Farley is already
a TV winner as we shall see.Copy !req
279. Dentonvale will run forever
now that his interestCopy !req
280. has embraced mental hygiene.Copy !req
281. Our field.Copy !req
282. I'm convinced there's
some kind of conspiracy.Copy !req
283. - Conspiracy?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
284. Well, that's
a little far-fetched.Copy !req
285. Oh, I don't know.
Remember Lieutenant Orpheus?Copy !req
286. He disappeared into that underworld series
and never came back.Copy !req
287. Sounds like my husband.
He never came back either.Copy !req
288. Not after Flavours gave him a commercial break.Copy !req
289. Oh, yes, Farley Flavours.
You know, I find it remarkableCopy !req
290. that his Faith Factory is being financed
by an entire nation's indigestion.Copy !req
291. Who do you think gave
you the next episode?Copy !req
292. So that Janet will
be free to front lineCopy !req
293. the new Faith Factory show.Copy !req
294. - We're the experts.
- Who trusts experts?Copy !req
295. Why Janet?Copy !req
296. Everyone loves
the girl next door.Copy !req
297. Particularly Farley.Copy !req
298. So it seems.Copy !req
299. Come in.Copy !req
300. - Oh, hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
301. - Hi.
- I just came to give you this.Copy !req
302. - Thank you.
- Hi!Copy !req
303. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
304. We'd better get going.
Tomorrow's the big one, and Farley expects.Copy !req
305. Oh, you bet.Copy !req
306. - I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.
- Good-bye.Copy !req
307. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
308. - Oh, Ralph.
- Yeah?Copy !req
309. - Shove it!
- Oh, you shove it too, Betty!Copy !req
310. Alimony is just
another word for rape.Copy !req
311. Conspiracy is right.Copy !req
312. - The Denton Dossier is...
- Closed.Copy !req
313. 'Dentonvale.Copy !req
314. 'Special guest star,
Janet Majors.'Copy !req
315. - Janet!
- I've come to see Brad.Copy !req
316. That's out of the question.
He's sleeping like a baby.Copy !req
317. - It's you we're concerned about, Janet.
- Yes, Janet, how are you?Copy !req
318. - Are you happy?
- Oh, I'm happy.Copy !req
319. There are countless people
in this world, Janet,Copy !req
320. who believe
that they're happy.Copy !req
321. But they only think
they're happy.Copy !req
322. Oh, well, that doesn't
make any sense.Copy !req
323. This might, Janet.Copy !req
324. And a big Denton welcome
to my new delegation.Copy !req
325. This is Farley
and I'm here with the score.Copy !req
326. We're going to package
and sell some mental health to the nation,Copy !req
327. with my dream
of the girl next door.Copy !req
328. I just love home movies,
don't you?Copy !req
329. Time's tight, Janet.
Do it right, Janet.Copy !req
330. Until tomorrow night...Copy !req
331. Janet.Copy !req
332. Well, Farley Flavours
is fairly flattering.Copy !req
333. But I want to see Brad.Copy !req
334. The question is, Janet,
does Brad want to see you?Copy !req
335. - Quite frankly, he hates you.
- What do you mean?Copy !req
336. Brad is harbouring deep feelings of hostility
towards you, Janet.Copy !req
337. - Towards me?
- It's classical.Copy !req
338. Almost a textbook case.Copy !req
339. Oh, no!Copy !req
340. That's an extremely
negative response.Copy !req
341. Yes, Janet. Leave
the crying to Brad.Copy !req
342. Is it because
I'm becoming too popular?Copy !req
343. On the contrary, Janet,
he wants to see your ratings soar.Copy !req
344. He needs a woman of
exceptional desirability.Copy !req
345. So, you see, Janet,Copy !req
346. you can help us
to help him.Copy !req
347. Maybe I can.Copy !req
348. 'Stand by for Faith Factory rehearsal.'Copy !req
349. I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.Copy !req
350. We'll probably be replaced by an hour
of fashion tips.Copy !req
351. - Now, Betty, don't overreact.
- Overreact?Copy !req
352. You're the one with
theories about conspirac...Copy !req
353. - Oliver?
- Yes, Betty?Copy !req
354. Are you spoken for
this evening?Copy !req
355. All right, you guys.Copy !req
356. An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut
on Good Morning Denton.Copy !req
357. By the time we unveil
Farley's Faith Factory show...Copy !req
358. we'll have all earned
our beauty sleep.Copy !req
359. - Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?
- Home?Copy !req
360. Home.Copy !req
361. This is the nerve centre
of operations, Janet.Copy !req
362. You must stay here tonight.
That way we can all be togetherCopy !req
363. when Mr. Sun paints us a new day
with his golden brush.Copy !req
364. And you can "peep in"
on Brad in the morning.Copy !req
365. Morning?Copy !req
366. Are all the beds
made up?Copy !req
367. Oh, yes! I've plumped up
all the pillows, changed...Copy !req
368. - Then lock up for the night.
- Okay!Copy !req
369. Clever of you to find this spot, Betty.Copy !req
370. It pays to know
your way around, Oliver.Copy !req
371. I thought the Home of Happiness would
give your theory a new perspective.Copy !req
372. A stately
pleasure home indeed.Copy !req
373. Oh, I adore
Coleridge Taylor.Copy !req
374. As a matter of fact...Copy !req
375. "It is an ancient Mariner...Copy !req
376. "and he stoppeth
one of three.Copy !req
377. "By thy long grey beard
and glittering eye...Copy !req
378. "now wherefore
stop'st thou me?"Copy !req
379. Oh.Copy !req
380. "He went like one that hath been stunned,Copy !req
381. "and is of sense forlorn.Copy !req
382. "A sadder and a wiser man,Copy !req
383. he rose the morrow morn."Copy !req
384. Does this bird belong to you?Copy !req
385. Janet?Copy !req
386. Are you decent, Janet?Copy !req
387. Hoopla, Bert!Copy !req
388. Nice to see you up and about.Copy !req
389. - Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
390. Care to join me
in an on-set snack?Copy !req
391. Good morning.Copy !req
392. I wanna see Brad.Copy !req
393. Look at yourself.
You're beautiful.Copy !req
394. The most desirable creature
that ever walked.Copy !req
395. Oh, if only Brad could have found it within
himself to say those things to me.Copy !req
396. He will, but it's up to you
to reawaken his feelings.Copy !req
397. Farley's given you
that chance.Copy !req
398. You can use
the Breakfast Show...Copy !req
399. to knock Denton dead.Copy !req
400. Do you really think so?Copy !req
401. Everybody needs you.Copy !req
402. - Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say?
- Hmm?Copy !req
403. - What'll I wear?
- Ah.Copy !req
404. - Et voilà!
- But how?Copy !req
405. Good morning, Denton. Rise and shine.Copy !req
406. She'll be here any second now.
So let's give her a great big hand.Copy !req
407. Come on now.Copy !req
408. Oh, Janet, I can't tell
you how excited I am... for you.Copy !req
409. We've got the band
and dancers and dry ice standing by.Copy !req
410. Betty Hapschatt is indisposed,
so Macy will have to do the introductions.Copy !req
411. I don't need introductions.Copy !req
412. The fabulous, the golden...Copy !req
413. the very wonderful...Copy !req
414. - I knew it!
- ♪ Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, JanetCopy !req
415. - I knew it!
- ♪ Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet, JanetCopy !req
416. Star, star, star, star,
star, star, star, star.Copy !req
417. Ah!Copy !req
418. Janet! Janet!Copy !req
419. Janet!Copy !req
420. And you can see
and hear Janet tonightCopy !req
421. on Faith Factory, brought
to you by Farley Flavours.Copy !req
422. All right, Janet.Copy !req
423. - You were far out.
- Terrific.Copy !req
424. Out of self
came selflessness!Copy !req
425. You revealed yourself,
the real you, the secret you.Copy !req
426. - And you liked what you saw, didn't you, Janet?
- Well, I must say...Copy !req
427. - How's Brad?
- Well, if he caught my act, he'll be lookin' good.Copy !req
428. It seems I'm his medicine,
so we're off to give him another spoonful.Copy !req
429. Check you later, Betty.
I gotta freshen up.Copy !req
430. Hey, how about that?
Janet was a knockout!Copy !req
431. - Thank you.
- Yeah, she was terrific.Copy !req
432. - Sexy!
- What?Copy !req
433. At the same time fresh,
untouched, you know.Copy !req
434. - Hey, how's Brad?
- He's fine.Copy !req
435. Lucky dog, with a pretty girl
like that for a wife.Copy !req
436. Yeah, he sure is.
No sugar. Thanks, Kirk.Copy !req
437. Well, I'll sugar his daughter's...Copy !req
438. Coffee, Kirk.
I'm dying for it.Copy !req
439. R.I.P., Betty.
You're off the air.Copy !req
440. What's happening here?
Janet's on the Breakfast Show...Copy !req
441. Brad's committed
to a nowhere series, and we've been...Copy !req
442. Written out?Copy !req
443. 'Dentonvale.Copy !req
444. 'The Mission of Mercy.Copy !req
445. 'Starring the increasingly
popular Janet Majors.'Copy !req
446. Hi, Mommy.
Hi, Daddy.Copy !req
447. Hi, Brad. I've just come to
tell you how fabulous I am.Copy !req
448. Janet, where's that
lovely dress I made you?Copy !req
449. Oh, Mac just whipped up
this little crowd-pleaser.Copy !req
450. Well, you're
practically naked!Copy !req
451. I can't wear anything under it, Daddy.
It would spoil the line.Copy !req
452. My God, Janet. How can you say such things?
Look at Brad. Look what they've done to him.Copy !req
453. - Ah. Janet's parents?
- Are you the doctor?Copy !req
454. - Yes.
- There's gonna have to be an investigation.Copy !req
455. - There are regulations about this sort of thing.
- It's for his own good.Copy !req
456. - Hoopla, Janet!
- Bert! Sweetheart! Oh, it's fabulous!Copy !req
457. - What's going on here?
- You're wearing your black.Copy !req
458. - Yes, of course.
- I adore that colour.Copy !req
459. Patient was in great danger
of doing himself a mischief.Copy !req
460. We only want what's best for him.
As parents, you must understand.Copy !req
461. No. No, I don't!Copy !req
462. Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like
a turkey. There are drugs to keep him quiet.Copy !req
463. - We used them. All of them.
- And none of them worked?Copy !req
464. - No.
- Then double the strength.Copy !req
465. - We did.
- We know our job.Copy !req
466. We also know how you feel.
We're not strangers to confusion.Copy !req
467. - 'We're not confused.'
- 'Well, I am, goddamn it!'Copy !req
468. You trust Brad
with this crowd-pleaser?Copy !req
469. Ooh.Copy !req
470. Aha!Copy !req
471. Look at that!
Bert Schnick's dancing!Copy !req
472. - Bert can see!
- Macabre, isn't it?Copy !req
473. The blind<
leading the blind.Copy !req
474. - Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.
- Thank you.Copy !req
475. - We're all really excited about tonight.
- Oh.Copy !req
476. - Oh, do I get one of those?
- Oh, yes, yes, of course you do.Copy !req
477. Janet? Janet? Janet?Copy !req
478. Janet! Janet! We want Janet!Copy !req
479. Oh, really?Copy !req
480. Macy, why don't you take Janet
and help her freshen up before the rehearsal?Copy !req
481. Surely.Copy !req
482. Ralph. You promised
me an introduction.Copy !req
483. Later, Francine.Copy !req
484. Frankie!Copy !req
485. Bert, could you spare
a moment?Copy !req
486. Of course.Copy !req
487. Janet! Janet!
We want Janet!Copy !req
488. - Janet! Janet! We want Janet!
- Janet, a quick word.Copy !req
489. Could you tell our viewers what exactly you
will be representing tonight?Copy !req
490. - Sanity for today.
- Wow!Copy !req
491. And that's the word
from Janet Majors,Copy !req
492. DTV's newest star.Copy !req
493. Okay, guys, let's move on.Copy !req
494. - How's Brad?
- He's a wreck.Copy !req
495. - Check. The quacks are willing tools?
- Ah, the quacks are fools.Copy !req
496. You know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet
one or two favours.Copy !req
497. It's time to check
with Flavours.Copy !req
498. Shoot.Copy !req
499. Is there anything else
you'd like, Janet?Copy !req
500. Yeah, a new carpet.
I hate the colour. Don't you?Copy !req
501. It's only one night, Janet.Copy !req
502. - Don't forget who we're doing this for.
- Who?Copy !req
503. Brad.Copy !req
504. You know, I'm getting awfully sick of hearing
about that emotional cripple.Copy !req
505. I've got a lot going for me, you know.
I'm going places. I'm gonna be someone.Copy !req
506. I'm gonna win my way
into the lives and hearts of the peopleCopy !req
507. even if I have
to kill to do it.Copy !req
508. I'll make the pathetic
little crumbs love me.Copy !req
509. I don't even know why
I'm wasting my time here with you.Copy !req
510. I should be with my people.Copy !req
511. 'Janet! Janet! We want Janet!'Copy !req
512. Janet! Janet!
We want Janet!Copy !req
513. Janet! Janet! We want Janet!Copy !req
514. Janet! Janet!
We want Janet!Copy !req
515. Janet! Janet!
We want Janet!Copy !req
516. Hey, Janet!Copy !req
517. - Girl, you're great!
- Oh, thanks.Copy !req
518. - Hi. My name's Frankie.
- Francine!Copy !req
519. And I think you're beautiful.Copy !req
520. Hi, I'm Brenda. This is my brother Oscar,
and this is our friend, Glish Davison.Copy !req
521. Janet, we really enjoyed doing
the Breakfast Show with you.Copy !req
522. This is Janet.
She's a phenomenon.Copy !req
523. I think you need
a little rest.Copy !req
524. You've got a big night
ahead of you.Copy !req
525. Your clothes are real neat.Copy !req
526. 'Reminder. Wardrobe check...'Copy !req
527. 'We want Janet!
Janet! Janet! We want Janet!'Copy !req
528. Aren't they great?Copy !req
529. But getting back
to Faith Factory,Copy !req
530. all in all, it looks
like an exciting new series for us.Copy !req
531. Yes, and an attractive financial
prospect for Denton.Copy !req
532. - And fashion-wise?
- What did I tell you?Copy !req
533. Well, I can just say that Faith Factory
will be introducing a new lookCopy !req
534. that will show off one or two old faces
in an exciting new light.Copy !req
535. - Really? Sounds interesting.
- Did you hear that, Oliver?Copy !req
536. Yes, Betty. But the false
promise of a new dawnCopy !req
537. usually leads to
a most bloody sunset.Copy !req
538. No, I don't know what Janet's next move
will be, but you can be sure of one thing.Copy !req
539. - It all starts right here.
- Thank you.Copy !req
540. And that's the word
from Ralph Hapschatt...Copy !req
541. and Macy Struthers.Copy !req
542. 'Janet! Janet! We want Janet!Copy !req
543. 'Janet! Janet!
We want Janet!'Copy !req
544. - Oh, Oliver!
- Hmm?Copy !req
545. What are we going to do?Copy !req
546. Care to indulge?Copy !req
547. - Indulge?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
548. - In a little, um, masquerade?
- 'Final reminder.'Copy !req
549. - Oh.
- 'Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.Copy !req
550. 'Wardrobe check for
Faith Factory medical outfits.'Copy !req
551. 'Dentonvale.Copy !req
552. 'Parental predicament.'Copy !req
553. Oh, Harry,
what are we gonna do?Copy !req
554. I don't know, Emily.
I'm worried.Copy !req
555. Maybe I could wear
those black leather brogues.Copy !req
556. Too flashy.
They'll clash with the new outfits.Copy !req
557. It's all right, Brad, dear.Copy !req
558. Have another sedative.Copy !req
559. We'll miss you
on the show tonight.Copy !req
560. Don't worry, Brad.
I'll be back.Copy !req
561. - What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?
- Mmm.Copy !req
562. I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.Copy !req
563. Face it, Janet.
Brad's an emotional cripple.Copy !req
564. - Quite frankly...
- He hates you.Copy !req
565. 'Time's tight, Janet.Copy !req
566. 'Do it right, Janet.Copy !req
567. 'Until tonight...Copy !req
568. 'Janet.'Copy !req
569. I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.Copy !req
570. I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.Copy !req
571. 'Janet, Janet! We want Janet!Copy !req
572. - 'Janet, Janet! We want Janet!'
- Janet? Janet?Copy !req
573. Wake up, Janet.Copy !req
574. You've got guests.
You can come in now.Copy !req
575. - Hi, Janet.
- How are you feeling?Copy !req
576. Who are you?Copy !req
577. - The band.
- Do you have any friends?Copy !req
578. Sure.Copy !req
579. You won't have soon.Copy !req
580. What are you called,
your band?Copy !req
581. Oscar Drill and the Bits.Copy !req
582. Betty, it's imperative we get Janet
out of Farley's fast fingersCopy !req
583. and Brad out of that hellhole before
they both disappear forever.Copy !req
584. I don't mind
telling you, Oliver...Copy !req
585. I'm not looking
forward to this.Copy !req
586. If only I could
place that name.Copy !req
587. - McKinley.
- There was a president.Copy !req
588. President?Copy !req
589. Past presidents.Copy !req
590. Betty, this is
beginning to add up.Copy !req
591. Really?Copy !req
592. What'll I pin this on?Copy !req
593. Faith, Betty.Copy !req
594. But make sure it's your own.Copy !req
595. In a hurry, Mr. Flavours?Copy !req
596. There's a little lady
he doesn't wanna keep waiting.Copy !req
597. - And a date.
- Who with, Mr. Flavours?Copy !req
598. The past.Copy !req
599. - Oh, Brad.
- He's an emotional cripple, remember?Copy !req
600. - Oh, Brad.
- He's an emotional cripple, remember?Copy !req
601. Even he wouldn't like
to see you like this.Copy !req
602. Ralph, I need a final statement from her,
and if I don't get it, there's gonna be trouble.Copy !req
603. - Later, Neely, okay?
- Ralph!Copy !req
604. How is she?Copy !req
605. Well, come on.
Farley's expecting her any minute.Copy !req
606. You guys get your asses
in front of those cameras,Copy !req
607. and try and earn yourselves
a reputation, okay?Copy !req
608. Well, move!Copy !req
609. We just wanna ask
a few questions.Copy !req
610. These are for you, Janet.Copy !req
611. They'll make you feel
a whole lot better.Copy !req
612. Yeah.Copy !req
613. Amateurs.Copy !req
614. - 'Give us a "J"!'
- 'J!'Copy !req
615. - 'A!'
- 'A!'Copy !req
616. - 'N!'
- 'N!'Copy !req
617. - E!
- E!Copy !req
618. - Give us a "T"!'
- 'T!'Copy !req
619. We can't hear you!Copy !req
620. - Give us a "J"!
- J!Copy !req
621. Oh, my God.
Character actors.Copy !req
622. 'Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
623. 'the studio band will soon<
be here to entertain youCopy !req
624. 'in anticipation of tonight's
premiere tapingCopy !req
625. of Farley Flavours'
Faith Factory.'Copy !req
626. And so if you're a follower
of exotic trends in fashion,Copy !req
627. you'll find plenty to keep
you going here tonight.Copy !req
628. And, naturally,
feeling the excitement,Copy !req
629. and not wishing to stick out
like a sore thumb,Copy !req
630. I had to get a little outfit
of my own together.Copy !req
631. And this...Copy !req
632. is it.Copy !req
633. 'Ladies and gentlemen...'Copy !req
634. to help get you in the mood
for Faith Factory...Copy !req
635. DTV proudly presents
Denton's own...Copy !req
636. with a suburban
garage sound.Copy !req
637. Let's hear it for
Oscar Drill and the Bits!Copy !req
638. Oh, Oliver.Copy !req
639. This is one time charity
didn't begin at home.Copy !req
640. 'One, two, three, four!'Copy !req
641. Whoo!Copy !req
642. To a family reunion.Copy !req
643. - Breakin' out!
- ♪ Breakin' outCopy !req
644. And she represents everything
our customers want.Copy !req
645. Innocence...Copy !req
646. decency...Copy !req
647. and the illusion
of a happy ending.Copy !req
648. Oh, jolly good, Mr. Flavours.Copy !req
649. And behind her image,
take-away therapy will thriveCopy !req
650. under the capable hands
of two great ethical intellectsCopy !req
651. operating on the frontiers
of medical science.Copy !req
652. - Huh? Huh?
- Mac and Nation.Copy !req
653. Mac and Nation.
Yes. Great work.Copy !req
654. And under
the firm guidanceCopy !req
655. of a great survivorCopy !req
656. in the treacherous
sea of diplomacy,Copy !req
657. our own Bert Schnick.Copy !req
658. Huh?Copy !req
659. - Now let's get this show on the road!
- Hey!Copy !req
660. Mr. Flavours, may I have a moment
of your time?Copy !req
661. Sure thing.Copy !req
662. We've heard rumours that you're going to
unveil more than just a new series tonight.Copy !req
663. - Is this true?
- Absolutely correct.Copy !req
664. Could you tell us
a little more about it?Copy !req
665. Well, let just say...Copy !req
666. we're planning on putting sanity
back on the national menu.Copy !req
667. And how does local girl
Janet MajorsCopy !req
668. fit into the scheme of things?Copy !req
669. Very...Copy !req
670. nicely.Copy !req
671. Brad?Copy !req
672. And he's resented you
all these years.Copy !req
673. - And Janet?
- She represents everything he was denied.Copy !req
674. Oh.Copy !req
675. 'By satellite, Farley Flavours' Faith Factory.'Copy !req
676. Ladies and gentlemen...Copy !req
677. Denton's own,
America's pride...Copy !req
678. the world's example...Copy !req
679. Janet, the sensation
of the planet.Copy !req
680. We bring you
Miss Mental Health.Copy !req
681. Isn't she lovely?Copy !req
682. Mommy and Daddy
love you, baby!Copy !req
683. - She walks in beauty.
- That's my little girl!Copy !req
684. 'Attagirl, Janet!'Copy !req
685. 'We love you, baby!'Copy !req
686. 'We all love Janet.'Copy !req
687. - Who do we love?
- 'Janet!'Copy !req
688. Janet!Copy !req
689. The dress Janet's wearing has been given
by Crème de la Crème Modes of downtown Denton,Copy !req
690. and we've been asked that you take note of
the individual styling and exquisite tailoring.Copy !req
691. This is just one of the many
gifts so freely and generously given to Janet.Copy !req
692. The first of, we hope, many.
Miss Mental Health.Copy !req
693. Ladies and gentlemen,
the president.Copy !req
694. The president's here!Copy !req
695. Zoom in there.Copy !req
696. Hi, I'm Irwin Lapsey,
president of Lapsey Autos.Copy !req
697. And I'm holding
in my hand here some keys.Copy !req
698. Keys which I would like to give to the little lady
who's being so honoured here tonight.Copy !req
699. And I want to tell you.
If she takes these keysCopy !req
700. she will find that
they fit something.Copy !req
701. And what that something is,
is an almost brand-newCopy !req
702. ultra-deluxe,
eight-cylinder convertible,Copy !req
703. complete with radio, tape deck,
washable seat covers and many, many extras.Copy !req
704. And it's all hers
for absolutely free.Copy !req
705. Well...Copy !req
706. Janet's absolutely speechless,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
707. But here's someone
we do want to hear from.Copy !req
708. A firm favourite
of yours and mine.Copy !req
709. You've revelled in his recipes.Copy !req
710. You've marvelled at
his marriage guidance.Copy !req
711. The all-knowing,
and now, all-seeing...Copy !req
712. That's right!Copy !req
713. Bert Schnick!Copy !req
714. There. Down there. Come on, Betty.Copy !req
715. Bert, you're beautiful!Copy !req
716. - Hoopla, Denton!
- Hoopla, Bert!Copy !req
717. - Thank you. Welcome.
- What's cooking, Bert?Copy !req
718. I'll tell you what's cooking,
buddy, and I'll tell you too, you guys.Copy !req
719. She made the blind see,
and it was a gift.Copy !req
720. Who was the gift from?Copy !req
721. - Let's hear an "F" for...
- Farley!Copy !req
722. - And another "F" for...
- Flavours!Copy !req
723. My friends!Copy !req
724. And you are all my friends.Copy !req
725. My friends, tonight we are taking
the first step of defianceCopy !req
726. and starting something
that will grow so bigCopy !req
727. that the whole world will
reverberate with its sound.Copy !req
728. And wherever our sloganCopy !req
729. "sanity and vanity"Copy !req
730. is uttered,Copy !req
731. it will be linked
incontrovertibly with this night,Copy !req
732. this station,Copy !req
733. and this...
beautiful face.Copy !req
734. Huh? Come on!
This way!Copy !req
735. It's a crazy man!Copy !req
736. - Seducer!
- And who are you, sir?Copy !req
737. - Your twin brother and your accuser!
- Brad.Copy !req
738. Arrest that man!
He's committed to our care.Copy !req
739. I never signed your contract.Copy !req
740. He's not going anywhere.Copy !req
741. To revenge your twin,
you tried to abuse her.Copy !req
742. A ridiculous accusation!Copy !req
743. You force me to refuse her.Copy !req
744. - Then why did you choose her?
- Because of you, sir.Copy !req
745. Take no notice of him.
He's mad.Copy !req
746. I'm as sane as you are.Copy !req
747. - Saner!
- And he was only with us for one day.Copy !req
748. They should be sent
to the Danube at dawn.Copy !req
749. What?Copy !req
750. Just memories.Copy !req
751. We'll edit the tapes.
It'll never see airplay.Copy !req
752. Um, I hope Mr. Flavours
will accept apologiesCopy !req
753. on behalf of all of Denton
for this unfortunate incident.Copy !req
754. It seems everyone wants
to be related to the great.Copy !req
755. Damn right!Copy !req
756. No offence. No offence.Copy !req
757. On the contrary, this is a perfect example
of what we're here to combat.Copy !req
758. Out! Out!
Out! Out!Copy !req
759. Out! Out! Out!Copy !req
760. Out! Out! Out!Copy !req
761. Out! Out! Out!Copy !req
762. Out! Out! Out!Copy !req
763. Out! Out! Out!Copy !req
764. Out! Out! Out!
Out! Out! Out!Copy !req
765. Out! Out! Out!Copy !req
766. Do you see? You see, the way we got rid
of that dirty little dishCopy !req
767. is the way we're going to put
the rest of our house in order,Copy !req
768. including the upstairs!Copy !req
769. Ah, yes, yes.
Miss. You, yes.Copy !req
770. Would you come up
and help us to inaugurate...Copy !req
771. Farley Flavours' Faith Factory, transmitting
from coast to coast and continent to continent?Copy !req
772. - You are Miss... Miss...
- Macy. Macy Struthers.Copy !req
773. Macy Struthers!Copy !req
774. Who loves you, baby?Copy !req
775. She let me down.Copy !req
776. She let us all down!Copy !req
777. Shut up, Emily,
and listen to a success story.Copy !req
778. This could be worse
than the old series.Copy !req
779. In the old series,
we never had a convertible.Copy !req
780. And remember,
sanity todayCopy !req
781. is a springboard to
the hygienic tomorrow.Copy !req
782. Now will you follow meCopy !req
783. down the DTV trail
to Dentonvale?Copy !req
784. Thanks, honey. They bought it.
Now out of the way. That's right!Copy !req
785. I can't stand it.Copy !req
786. Everything good always
happens to other people.Copy !req
787. And fast-food giant, Farley Flavours
has just given Miss Mental HealthCopy !req
788. what can only be described as
an official kiss of approval.Copy !req
789. And the crowd
are loving itCopy !req
790. as they follow her down
the Dentonvale trail.Copy !req
791. Hey, look!
They're havin' a party.Copy !req
792. Come on, you guys.
We're gonna miss out on the action.Copy !req
793. 'Hurry! Get in there!'Copy !req
794. 'The sun never sets
on those who ride into it.Copy !req