She's the One (1996)

1. Cigar?

2. No No, I'm gonna wait till we get out there

3. You about ready to go?

4. Yeah, I am

5. Where's your sister?

6. He's in the bathroom primping himself

7. He thinks we're going to a fashion show, I guess

8. Come on, sweetheart

9. While we're still young

10. What do you think, Dad?

11. Have you ever seen such a good-looking head of hair?

12. Just get your ass moving, pretty boy

13. Hey, tough guy

14. don't want to start the first fishing trip of the summer

15. with a cigar, huh?

16. And you wonder why your breath stinks

17. and your teeth are green, right?

18. My teeth are not green, my man

19. Yeah, but they sure as shit ain't white...

20. All right, come on, ladies!

21. I'm not gonna have you start the summer off with your bickering

22. Come on, Mickey, let's go

23. Francis, your brother's right

24. Go brush your teeth, will you?

25. Your breath's disgusting

26. What'd I tell you, my man?

27. You know, I'm concerned for you, Mick

28. I think maybe it's time for you to get focused on something, you know?

29. Maybe get a job

30. Dad, I got a job

31. That ain't a job

32. That's an excuse to avoid reality

33. I think it's time you thought about settling down,

34. sinking your teeth into something, you know?

35. Something that'll give your life some meaning

36. Now, I'm not saying you gotta go work on Wall Street with this one,

37. but how about the fire department?

38. Or a cop, you know?

39. Something with some benefits

40. The way I see it is this

41. Ever since the hairy ass incident,

42. it's like you've been out of the game,

43. you've been running away from life,

44. instead of running towards it

45. I think it's a good time right now to turn around

46. and start running towards life again

47. You know what I'm talking about?

48. Can... Can I toss this asshole overboard?

49. Is that all right?

50. Hey, don't get that way with me, Mick!

51. I'm just trying to help

52. Shut up, Francis

53. But your sister's right

54. You need something with some stability

55. You know what, Dad?

56. I don't need any stability

57. because I'm happy right where I am

58. Big deal

59. You're happy

60. You're never gonna make any real money

61. Who gives a shit? I mean, look at you

62. You make a pile of dough, and you're miserable

63. What's that got to do with anything?

64. Hey, and I'm not miserable, OK?

65. I'm dissatisfied

66. That's what makes me a success

67. Now, Mickey

68. there's something I've been meaning to tell you

69. since you've been back

70. I think you did the right thing

71. The last thing you needed to do was get married,

72. especially to that one

73. The one thing you gotta remember

74. is this is your life, not theirs

75. You gotta do what makes you happy first, OK?

76. Taxi!

77. Hey, what the hell?

78. JFK, please

79. Hey, how you doin'?

80. I'm... I'm good I'm good

81. What about you?

82. Where, um Where are you flying to?

83. New Orleans

84. Oh, you on vacation or something?

85. No Actually, my best friend from high school is getting married

86. It's kind of a funny story

87. Oh, yeah?

88. Yeah

89. Her sink was clogged a few weeks ago,

90. So she called a plumber

91. And this really nice guy came over to fix it,

92. and she ended up having sex with him under the sink

93. So, now she's gonna marry him

94. This is your best friend having sex under the sink?

95. Mm-hmm

96. It's good to know

97. So, what about you? Are you married?

98. Me? No

99. I mean I was engaged once a couple of years ago,

100. But it didn't pan out

101. What happened?

102. Nothing really

103. I just came home early one night

104. To find her and some guy passed out on my living room floor,

105. both of them completely naked

106. Oh, God

107. Did you know the guy?

108. No All I saw was his hairy ass staring back at me

109. But I think he may have been a plumber, too, actually

110. Well, what did you do?

111. You know, nothing actually

112. I walked out of the apartment, got into my car,

113. and spent the next three years driving around the country

114. Wow

115. Well, do you have any regrets about it?

116. Yeah Yeah, one

117. I should have taken my frigging TV with me when I left

118. How long would it take me to drive to New Orleans?

119. It's not that long

120. It's like 23-24 hours maybe

121. How much would that cost?

122. I don't know You could probably get a pretty cheap rental car

123. here at the airport

124. Well, what if you drove me?

125. How much would that be?

126. What do you mean? If I drove you in my cab?

127. If I kept the meter running,

128. it would cost you, I don't know, $70-80,000 maybe

129. $80,000

130. Look, you could come to my friend's wedding

131. I'm allowed to bring a date

132. Are you serious about this?

133. You want me to drive you to New Orleans in my cab?

134. Yeah Come on, please?

135. It'll be fun

136. I really don't want to fly,

137. and if I did and I died, it would all be your fault

138. And I don't think you want to live with that guilt

139. - My fault? - Mm-hmm

140. Wait, wait, wait

141. You tell me why you're so afraid to fly,

142. and then maybe I'll consider it

143. I don't like planes

144. Hi, babe

145. Hey

146. You busy?

147. A little busy

148. Too busy to maybe, I don't know, do it tonight?

149. Do what, babe?

150. Oh, I don't know, Francis

151. Why don't I take off my clothes

152. and you can do whatever you'd like?

153. Renee, come on You know I've got to get this work done

154. How about a little consideration, huh?

155. Well, how about a little consideration for me, huh?

156. You know, we haven't had sex for a while

157. You know?

158. All right, listen OK

159. If you're still up when I have this finished,

160. we'll do it, OK?

161. You know, don't do me any favors, all right there, Romeo?

162. I could just as easily go into the bathroom and use my vibrator

163. That would be a little difficult, wouldn't it, hon?

164. Seeing as you don't own a vibrator

165. Babe, what's the big deal with me owning a vibrator?

166. No big deal You just don't have one

167. OK Occasionally, I need sex

168. And for some reason, I'm married to a man

169. who doesn't like to have sex anymore

170. So from time to time, I like to pleasure myself with a vibrator

171. Deal with it

172. Excuse me? Pleasure yourself?

173. That's rich

174. And no, I'm not gonna deal with it

175. because you're my wife

176. We have sex like normal people in a bed lying down

177. We don't run to bathrooms

178. and masturbate like animals

179. with any frigging vibrators

180. Ah, well, maybe you don't, but I do

181. So if you don't wake up that libido of yours,

182. I'm in that bathroom in about 5 minutes

183. Or, hey, better yet!

184. I could go get it, and we could play with it together

185. OK, very funny

186. Listen, let's get this straight once and for all

187. We do not have a vibrator in this home

188. Do we?

189. Yo, Franny!

190. Francis!

191. Better go see who that is

192. Hey, Franny! It's me, Mickey!

193. I can see that What the hell are you doing?

194. You're not gonna believe this

195. I, uh I got married

196. Why don't you let us up?

197. I want you to meet my wife

198. What? Mickey! Congratulations! When did this happen?

199. Let us up I'll tell you all about it

200. Yeah, hold on a second, Mick

201. He wants to come up

202. Yeah, I heard

203. What's your problem? Let them up!

204. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

205. I would like to meet her!

206. Honey, it's late You're not thinking straight

207. Hey, Mick! We're glad you're living such a romantic life

208. The both of us, but, hey, some people got some real jobs,

209. You know, responsibilities Catch you tomorrow

210. Give me a call! Congratulations, though!

211. Hey, fuck you, you prick

212. Come down and let us in

213. Excus... I'm gonna let you into my home in the middle of the night

214. after you don't invite me to your wedding?

215. Mickey, don't listen to him

216. Of course, you can come up,

217. - And I'll send him down right now - Excuse me?

218. What are you talking about?

219. I'm gonna let this man into my home in the middle of the night

220. after he doesn't invite me to his wedding?

221. Oh, you're sick

222. Oh, I'm sick? I'm sick?

223. Hey, I'm not the one with the vibrator, huh?

224. Hey, listen, I find that thing,

225. I'm gonna mail it to your mother

226. with a nice detailed letter describing your perversions

227. OK, you know what? Go right ahead

228. Who do you think got me the damn thing in the first place?

229. OK? She knows my pain

230. Anyway, we were having a great time together on the drive down,

231. and I guess it was sometime after we crossed into Kentucky

232. that we fell in love

233. Then Mickey came with me to my friend's wedding,

234. and when we were dancing, he said,

235. "It should have been us who got married"

236. And I mean, I just ran over,

237. I got the priest out of the bar,

238. pulled him onto the dance floor,

239. and he married us right there

240. in the middle of the reception

241. Ohh Oh!

242. I want to get married like that

243. Mickey, do you have any other brothers

244. that I just don't know about?

245. Sorry, babe

246. Just Princess Kitty over there

247. I think you're stuck with him

248. That's it, huh?

249. Is this true, Mick?

250. What can I say, man?

251. I'm about the love

252. Obviously

253. I had no idea you were such an impetuous romantic

254. I mean, that's a pretty impulsive move you guys pulled

255. But, I'm sorry, when did you actually meet?

256. Wednesday

257. Ohh, today's Saturday

258. OK, so you were married without a best man when?

259. Thursday

260. Oh, so you had a full 24 hours to get to know each other then

261. Oh, Francis

262. No, I'm relieved, honey Aren't you?

263. I mean, I thought they might have rushed into this

264. Watch yourself, Francis, OK?

265. Yeah You know what, you guys? Don't listen to Francis

266. He's about as impulsive and romantic as a nun

267. In fact, you know what, honey?

268. I'm wondering why you actually didn't become one

269. So am I, honey

270. You probably don't know your brother as well as you think you do

271. He's actually very romantic

272. I don't think we need to go there right now Thank you

273. Oh, no Let's go there, by all means

274. Sure Mr. Romantic Mr. Summer Breeze

275. All about the Love

276. Of course you're right What would I know?

277. I'm just the brother who wasn't the best man

278. Oh, Francis, you're gonna have to get over this

279. Nothing to get over, hon

280. I'm thrilled Couldn't be more

281. Congratulations, guys

282. Romance is wonderful We all love it

283. It brightens the day

284. I just want to remind you

285. It don't pay the rent

286. OK?

287. Is he OK?

288. Yeah He'll live

289. It's right here

290. This is the honeymoon suite, huh?

291. What do you think's going on?

292. What is she, an illegal? Pregnant? What?

293. Maybe an illegal

294. She looks like she's from one of the islands

295. Yeah I was thinking the same thing

296. You know, I'm concerned for him, Francis

297. You think it'll last?

298. No shot You kidding me?

299. Poor kid

300. Never used up here

301. Always used in here

302. Just like your mother

303. I tell ya, I just can't believe

304. He did it without me, frankly

305. I should have been there

306. I should have been his best man

307. He was my best man

308. So, just for the record,

309. it is bad luck to have a wedding without a best man

310. Jeez, you're not crying, are you, Francis?

311. No, no, no! I am not interested in what they had to say!

312. I am interested in you doing what you're told!

313. Now, when you've done that, call me ba...

314. No! Have Ryan call me!

315. Mr. Fitzpatrick, I have Miss Davis on the phone

316. Yeah, yeah Put her through

317. Heather?

318. Are you OK?

319. I called the office this morning,

320. they said you called in sick

321. I call the apartment, you're not there

322. Are you all right?

323. Yeah I'm fine

324. How's work?

325. Work's fine Where are you?

326. I'm at Papa's

327. Who the hell is Papa?

328. Come on, Franny You know my friend Papa

329. Oh, Oh, you mean Carl the old guy

330. Listen, I thought we agreed we were gonna call him

331. Carl the Diaper-Wearing Geriatric, not Papa

332. What the hell are you doing there?

333. I slept over here last night

334. with him

335. You mean, you slept with him as in had actual

336. sexual intercourse with this... this animal?

337. Amongst other things

338. That's not funny

339. He's older than your father, for God's sakes

340. Francis, my father's dead

341. My point exactly, thank you

342. This is very... This is very upsetting

343. I think it's extremely important

344. that I see you as soon as possible

345. so I can show you the error of your ways here

346. Well, he's gonna be gone all day long

347. You could come over to his place if you want

348. I'm afraid I, uh, still have my pride, darling

349. I'm not gonna meet you at this old fucker's apartment, OK?

350. Well I guess you won't see me today then, will you?

351. OK

352. What's the address?

353. Well, I hope that cleared things up for you, hon

354. What?

355. Excuse me, don't even try to tell me

356. sex with Grandpa was better than with me

357. You're not in competition with him, Francis

358. Besides, one wasn't better than the other

359. They were just different

360. They'd better damn well be different

361. He's an old man who can't control his bladder

362. and has to wear diapers,

363. and I'm a young stallion in the prime of my youth

364. But how was it different?

365. Just different Forget I said anything

366. No, no Elaborate

367. I think it might be enlightening to understand how

368. sex might be different with a fossil

369. OK, but don't get mad, all right?

370. I won't

371. I faked my orgasm with you

372. So?

373. I didn't have to with Papa

374. I gotcha

375. Come on, Francis Don't be mad

376. You wanted to know

377. No, l... I really didn't, hon

378. Don't pull this jealous bullshit with me, OK?

379. I can sleep with whomever I want

380. Remember? I'm not the one that's married

381. You are

382. You really had an orgasm with him?

383. Pardon my asking, Tom, but how old are you?

384. 68

385. You know, I was just wondering,

386. more out of curiosity than anything,

387. if a guy your age can still have sex

388. Only when the wife gives me the OK

389. So, you can still perform then if she says so?

390. Sure

391. As a matter of fact, my wife tells me

392. I'm better now than when I was in my 20s

393. Great

394. That's terrific, Tom

395. Hey, so, um, this apartment of ours,

396. how long have you lived there?

397. Almost two years Isn't it great?

398. Yeah, it is It is

399. It's a little small though, you know?

400. But it's cozy

401. - Cozy? - Yeah

402. You know, it's funny

403. When I took a shower this morning, though,

404. there was no hot water so I wasn't too cozy

405. Oh, yeah I forgot to tell you

406. We never have hot water on the weekends

407. Really? Great

408. You know, there's a big hole in the ceiling in the bathroom, too,

409. because this morning, it was funny,

410. I was brushing my teeth, I had a nice view up some guy's boxer shorts

411. That was real nice

412. That's Jim You'll have to meet him

413. He's a good guy

414. Oh, is he? Yeah? Jim's a good guy? Good Good

415. Well, I guess if I'm gonna be looking at his pecker every morning,

416. he may as well be a good guy

417. I better get going This is where I work

418. Yeah? Right here, huh?

419. You know, it looks actually like it might get

420. a little chilly in there,

421. seeing as you're standing here practically naked

422. I could run home, you know, and get you a nice big down jacket

423. or a sweatsuit or something, you know?

424. 'Cause that might help

425. I don't think so

426. I'll see you later

427. Bye

428. All right Take it easy

429. Bye

430. Hey, babe What's up?

431. Was that him?

432. Cute, huh?

433. I don't know

434. I mean, I thought he kinda looked like a real jerk

435. Well, thanks, Connie

436. That's real sweet of you

437. No, I'm sorry

438. I know, I mean, he's probably...

439. He's probably a really, really, really, nice guy

440. I don't know

441. Did you have to marry him?

442. Absolutely

443. So I guess you're gonna go to Paris with him instead of me then

444. Well, we really haven't discussed that yet, but

445. Does... Oh Oh, well, it's nice to see

446. you're being upfront and honest

447. at the start of the relationship That's good

448. Hey, I've only known him a week

449. I haven't had a chance to tell him my life story yet, all right?

450. Gimme a break

451. No No, I understand I understand

452. However, it'll just be interesting to see

453. how a cabdriver from Brooklyn

454. feels about moving to Paris, that's all

455. I mean, he'll probably be fine with it

456. No big deal He'll just move to Paris with you

457. It'll never last Believe me

458. Nightmare when they get to know each other

459. Maybe they were made for each other

460. Those things can happen, you know

461. Carol and I met right here at the beach club in 1963 by the pool

462. That's right

463. On a Friday morning

464. By Saturday night, I had her in the dunes

465. - Oh, Jesus! - Carol: Jesus, Ron!

466. They don't want to hear all the details!

467. Come on

468. We've been together ever since

469. There's something to be said for that

470. All right! All right! Enough about the dunes!

471. So, what's going on, Franny?

472. How are things down on Wall Street?

473. - Things are good - Things are good?

474. You're a 25-year-old kid, you make a half a mil a year

475. I'd say things are better than good

476. I hate to spoil the illusion, Ron,

477. but I don't make that kind of money

478. Oh

479. Oh, Francis, do me a favor, please?

480. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, OK?

481. And by the way, it's been a while

482. since you gave your favorite father-in-law a nice inside tip

483. Yeah, and when are you going to set me up

484. with some of your rich friends?

485. Excuse me, you guys

486. My husband has some ethics, OK?

487. He's not some sort of cheating sleazebag

488. Right, babe?

489. What's the matter?

490. You don't want to share the wealth anymore, kid?

491. It's not the only thing he don't want to share anymore

492. Mom, would you please?

493. What? What?

494. You getting greedy in your old age, Fran? Huh?

495. You know, it's really nice to come out here and see you guys on the weekends

496. I mean, it's a wonder we don't do it more often

497. - Honey! - Hey! Hey!

498. Don't be getting sarcastic on us, young lady

499. We're your parents,

500. and therefore, you're in no position to approve or disapprove

501. of what we say or do, you understand?

502. Right! He's right, right, right!

503. Really? Really?

504. Well, my analyst is just going to have a field day

505. with that little bit of psychosis

506. If you two lunatics will excuse me,

507. I'm gonna go play some tennis

508. Her analyst?

509. Don't ask

510. Macrocom

511. I'll call you Monday

512. Hey, babe

513. I'm gonna go to work now, all right?

514. OK You love me?

515. Yeah Yeah Of course I do

516. Good, 'cause I love you

517. Bye

518. All right Take care

519. Thanks a lot

520. 75th and Madison, please

521. So, 75th and Madison, huh?

522. That's a pretty swanky address

523. Excuse me?

524. My God Mickey?

525. Yep

526. What are you doing?

527. I'm... I'm in shock is what I'm doing

528. What are you doing?

529. I'm going home

530. What about you? How you been?

531. You know, I've been good

532. Good

533. Everything's all right?

534. Yeah Yeah Everything's fine

535. So, what about you?

536. You look like you must finally be making some decent money

537. You know Still on Wall Street

538. Not making as much money as I'd like

539. Yeah, well, you were never easy to please, right?

540. So, you know, you married yet?

541. No He hasn't asked just yet

542. Oh, really, huh?

543. Not that hairy ape who was sprawled out on my carpet, I hope

544. No Not him

545. Yeah, well, I can't say I blame you

546. I mean, from what I did see of him, he wasn't too pretty

547. A little on the furry side

548. So, who's the prospective husband?

549. Anybody I know?

550. No I don't think so

551. He and his friends have real jobs

552. Yeah Right

553. From anyone else, I would take that as an insult,

554. But, you know, you seem to forget the fact

555. that I know how you put yourself through college

556. Somebody had to pay for my education, sweetheart

557. Had to bring that up, right?

558. An eye for an eye

559. OK, I've made up my mind

560. I can't go through with this

561. If you're gonna take the television,

562. I think it's only fair

563. that you give me back the watch

564. I mean, it is the watch I gave you, right?

565. Yeah Yeah it is

566. But, uh, like you said, the watch was a gift,

567. and the TV wasn’t

568. If I recall correctly,

569. I did pay for part of the television

570. I mean, it's not like

571. you could afford it on your own

572. OK

573. You want the watch? You can have the watch

574. Doesn't really mean that much to me anyhow

575. It's not the watch I want, Mickey

576. Yeah

577. Why don't we just

578. give that a break already, OK, Heather?

579. Give it a break

580. You mean to tell me that you actually

581. came up here for the television?

582. Yeah Yeah, I did

583. Why do you think I came up here?

584. You are so full of shit

585. Yeah? How do you figure that?

586. You can honestly say that you don't ever think of me anymore?

587. Yeah, sure Of course, you know, I think about you

588. I think, you know,

589. what could have possibly possessed you

590. to take that dirtbag home to my apartment

591. Come on, Mickey

592. We both knew the relationship was over before that

593. I wanted a career, and you wanted

594. Who the hell knows what you wanted?

595. Did you ever figure that out?

596. Yeah, you know what, as a matter of fact, I did

597. Oh, that's right Your brother told me

598. You got married

599. What do you mean, "my brother"?

600. Since when do you speak to Francis?

601. Well, you know, he and his friends have real jobs,

602. So occasionally I run into him

603. Yeah, well, you know, it's, uh,

604. it's a shame he's married

605. You two probably would have hit it off

606. Maybe Anyhow, I'm just sorry that, you know,

607. you had to find out the way that you did

608. I would have liked to have been friends

609. Friends? Really? Yeah

610. Well, you know what, Heather?

611. I don't think that would have worked, actually,

612. Because, see, I got this thing

613. And, uh, I try and keep the number

614. of friends who, like, lie and cheat to me to a minimum

615. Please, Mickey

616. Put your fucking sanctimonious bullshit to rest already

617. Hey, I'm sorry

618. I guess that fact, that, you know, um,

619. I've always tried to behave like a decent human being

620. has rubbed you the wrong way, hasn't it?

621. Yeah, but look where your decency's gotten you

622. You're the only English-speaking white guy

623. driving a cab in New York

624. That should tell you something

625. You know what, Heather?

626. I've got to imagine

627. it beats sucking dick for a living, though, huh?

628. Depends on whose dick it is

629. Hey, Jim

630. Hello, Mick

631. How you hanging, man?

632. Hanging fine Thanks, Mick

633. Oh, hey, babe

634. Hey

635. Frigging hot in here today What happened?

636. Yeah I know

637. We lost our electricity again, so

638. Oh, really? Again? Great

639. You know, I really love this place It's great

640. Just grab a beer if you want to cool off

641. Well, you know what, Hope? L...

642. I don't mean to point out the obvious,

643. but, uh, usually the fridge doesn't work

644. if there's no electricity

645. How is it?

646. It's good It's really good

647. It's got a nice warm-piss quality to it, you know?

648. Oh, you're in a good mood, huh?

649. So what's with the TV?

650. Oh, yeah You like it?

651. I figured we needed a TV

652. Yeah, I know It's fine,

653. but where'd you get it?

654. I, um, it's funny you should ask

655. I... I picked up uh, Heather in my cab today

656. And I told you she had the TV,

657. so, you know, basically I told her I wanted my TV back

658. Oh, really?

659. And then what happened?

660. Well, I went to her apartment,

661. I got the TV, and I carried it out

662. You were up in your ex-fiancee's apartment today?

663. How was that?

664. Was it fun?

665. What are you doing, huh?

666. I went up there for the TV That's it

667. Are you mad at me?

668. No

669. Hey, come on, Hope, all right?

670. I mean, enough

671. Hey Hey

672. You know, if there's one thing you don't have to worry about,

673. it's that, all right?

674. Yeah I know

675. I'm allowed to get a little jealous sometimes, aren't I?

676. No No I'm... I'm a good guy

677. Yeah, right

678. I've heard that song and dance before

679. So

680. she have a nicer apartment than us?

681. Well, you know,

682. she's got electricity, so that's, you know, that's kind of nice

683. I'm jealous of them

684. Don't be Please

685. Listen, he's a cab driver

686. She's a waitress

687. They live in a fourth-floor walk-up with no electricity, OK?

688. Yeah, but do you see

689. how they're always all over one another?

690. Bet they have sex all the time

691. Does he ever tell you stuff like that?

692. What? Granted, this man is my brother, but I do not ask him

693. how often he's having sex with his girl

694. I mean, what kind of numbers we talking?

695. Like five, six?

696. Seven times a day?

697. Listen, I'm not telling you anything, OK?

698. Bet it's a lot

699. Remember how much we used to do it

700. when we first got married?

701. Yeah, sure

702. But, honey, you know everyone's like that when they first meet

703. Then you get into a groove You slow down

704. It would be impossible to keep up that level of intensity

705. for an extended period of time

706. I mean, you'd hurt yourself

707. That's why your back's all fucked up, huh?

708. You're doing her, what, around the clock?

709. What kind of sick degenerate are you, OK?

710. This is my wife you're talking about

711. I think we have a problem with our sex life

712. Listen, no, we don't

713. Unlike those two animals, we have real jobs and responsibilities

714. We don't have all day to rub up against each other

715. Our sex life is fine, believe me

716. Francis, I cannot remember the last time

717. I saw your penis

718. What? Excuse me

719. What kind of language is that?

720. We're in a public street here

721. Maybe we should get some of those

722. sex improvement tapes, you know?

723. Or I could get some of that stuff

724. from Victoria's Secret

725. Maybe that would help

726. Honey, would you stop talking about this

727. 'cause you're depressing me, OK?

728. I told you, it's...

729. It's a down cycle, that's... that's all

730. What?

731. You're not familiar with the down cycle?

732. No No No

733. Wh-What exactly is the, uh,

734. the down cycle?

735. You know, in a relationship

736. you got ups, downs

737. Sometimes you do it a lot...

738. you know, like you're doing

739. Other times, you know, Not at all

740. Ups and downs

741. Down cycle

742. I feel for you, man

743. You're a... You're a sick individual,

744. and you need help

745. Well, you know, I think maybe we should talk

746. about our apartment situation

747. Why? You don't like our apartment?

748. No, no, no It's not that at all

749. I mean, I like the fact

750. that we never have electricity and hot water,

751. and, I mean, I love the pink walls, you know that

752. I'm just thinking

753. I don't know, maybe it's,

754. like, maybe a little too small for two people

755. Yeah, I know, but there's a chance

756. we'll only be there another month,

757. and then we might be moving to Paris

758. Whoa, whoa, whoa

759. What do you mean we might be moving to Paris?

760. Why would we ever move to Paris?

761. 'Cause I might be going to school there in the fall

762. - This is Paris, France, you're talking about? - Yeah

763. The... The country in Europe where they hate Americans?

764. That's not true They just don't like stupid Americans

765. You know, Hope, I think unfortunately

766. I would probably fall into that category,

767. so, wh-when do we find out about this?

768. I mean, this is a fairly important

769. development in our life, don't you think?

770. I should find out if I get in this week

771. Really? That's great Great Terrific

772. You know, thanks for letting me in on this

773. I, uh, I really appreciate it

774. You know, Mick, maybe your brother's right

775. This would be the perfect time

776. for you to run towards life

777. You think this is something

778. your little wife had in mind?

779. Don't joke about that

780. She's still my wife

781. All of a sudden, he's got a conscience

782. Listen, I think it's time we started discussing our future

783. What about this? Do you think she'd like this?

784. Listen, I'm serious about this

785. We have to decide where this relationship is going

786. Obviously, It's not going anywhere, now, is it, Francis?

787. No Obviously, you don't understand

788. This relationship has to reach the next level,

789. and we, as a couple,

790. have to decide what that next level is

791. Why the sudden urgency?

792. Well, for one thing

793. I don't like the fact that

794. you have sex with a geriatric

795. Well, how do you think I feel

796. about you going home and seeing your wife every night?

797. I haven't had sex with my wife in months

798. Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Francis

799. Clearly, you need the practice

800. You know, Francis

801. you're afraid to ask her for a divorce

802. Why don't you just have sex with her in the meantime?

803. Dad, I'm in love with another woman

804. I don't think it would be fair

805. to have sex with Renee

806. Let me get this straight

807. You don't want to cheat on your girlfriend with your wife?

808. Yeah I guess so

809. Jesus Christ, Francis

810. You sure I'm your father?

811. You know, I'm gonna have to double-check with your mother on this

812. Come on, Dad

813. I'm serious

814. How do you think Mom will take it?

815. She's gonna be devastated

816. She's been up at that goddamn church every morning

817. praying for your brother

818. Then she tells me yesterday

819. I spend too much time on the boat

820. Well, I don't even want to get into that discussion

821. Now you're gonna get divorced

822. Christ

823. She'll be up there with Father John 24 hours a day

824. Thanks a lot, buddy

825. I'm probably going to have to start

826. making my own breakfast again

827. I'm sorry if my divorce interferes

828. with your breakfast plans, Dad

829. Hey, don't get all sensitive on me now, Barbara

830. You know, all your life

831. you've always wanted to screw

832. every good-looking skirt who walked by

833. Now you're making all this money,

834. you're probably finding you can have

835. at least half of them

836. Come on, Dad

837. What have you been telling me my whole life?

838. I gotta do what makes me happy first, right?

839. Besides, it's normal male behavior, right?

840. We can't control

841. millions of years of evolution

842. You know... You know what it's like, really?

843. It's just like you... you've been driving

844. a '74 Buick your whole life

845. Then suddenly,

846. you find yourself behind the wheel of a brand-new Porsche

847. How do you go back to the Buick?

848. Yeah

849. I guess you can't

850. You know what, Dad?

851. I'm really doing this for Renee

852. I'm sure she's gonna be really thrilled

853. Thank you

854. Thanks

855. Happy anniversary

856. You really enjoyed that, didn't you?

857. They were fun, weren't they?

858. Yeah No, they were They were a lot of fun,

859. but they were also a $12 fare, you know?

860. Oh, they were sweet It was their anniversary

861. Well, I'm very happy for them, but you know what?

862. They looked like they could afford to pay 12 bucks,

863. whereas we, on the other hand, cannot

864. I'll pay the $12, Mr. Cheapo

865. Oh, really Oh

866. And do you happen to have this $12

867. on you by any chance?

868. No Not right now

869. I'll give it to you later

870. Great Great Listen, you gotta do me a favor

871. You know, I don't mean to sound like a jerk,

872. but next time you ask to come to work with me,

873. remind me to say no

874. And all this time I thought you were romantic

875. I am I am a romantic

876. But you know what it is?

877. As long as it doesn't interfere

878. with paying the rent on time

879. Mick, I would rather live in the back of this cab

880. than let something like rent

881. get in the way of our romance

882. what do you have to say to that?

883. OK OK

884. When you're right, you're right

885. Sure

886. But you know, speaking of backseats,

887. I do know a little place

888. where we could park and maybe, you know,

889. put this backseat theory of yours to the test

890. Yeah?

891. Yeah

892. Let's go

893. Oh, my God

894. Yeah

895. She's been with her sister all day

896. Hold on I think this is her

897. Shit

898. Listen, I'll, uh, I'll call you later

899. Hi, honey Who was that?

900. You know, uh,

901. what's-his-face from work

902. Oh You've talked to him a lot lately

903. Anyhow, your old Scott from college

904. was talking to my friend Nicole

905. You know her I went to camp with her sister Patty

906. Right I know Nicole

907. She went to BU with Scott's brother David

908. Well, anyhow, he was telling her

909. that his divorce was just finalized

910. Ohh

911. W-Who got divorced?

912. You know, Scott Sherman

913. Yeah He caught his wife

914. boning her dentist in the shower

915. "Boning"? That's charming

916. Oh Oh This is fatso

917. Four-eyed, greasy-haired Scott?

918. The computer geek tapping on the keyboard there

919. He was not that fat

920. He was a 300-pound sack of shit, hon

921. Maybe to you that's not fat,

922. but, uh, what the hell?

923. You loved the animal

924. Oh, that's really nice

925. And he was not 300 pounds

926. He was slightly overweight,

927. that's all, right?

928. Renee, his tits were bigger than mine

929. All right, all right,

930. so he wasn't so skinny,

931. but he was a very smart, really sweet guy,

932. which is a hell of a lot more

933. than I can say for the two of you

934. You better be sweet, you weigh 500, huh?

935. What is your problem with Scott?

936. He's just a shy, harmless guy

937. Do you have to be in competition with everybody?

938. Well, you know what, hon?

939. If he's such a fucking sweetheart

940. and I'm such a creep,

941. why didn't you marry the fat pig?

942. I don't know If I'd known

943. you were going to turn into such an asshole,

944. maybe I would have

945. Well, fat or not,

946. guess who's got his phone number?

947. You? You have Scott's phone number?

948. Well, you're not going to call him

949. Of course I am

950. What, you think you're the only one who's gonna marry rich?

951. I need somebody to pick up

952. My Bergdorf bills, too, sweetheart

953. Wh-Where are you from? What do you know?

954. You're my sister

955. There's supposed to be an honor code between siblings

956. I mean, you do not date

957. your sister's ex-boyfriend

958. Honey, let her go out with him

959. What the fuck is the big deal, anyway?

960. Unless you, uh,

961. still have feelings for the yard ape

962. No It has nothing to do with that, OK?

963. This is... This has to do with respect

964. That's all: Respect

965. A word that the two of you

966. obviously are not very familiar with

967. My friend Connie doesn't think we'll last another month

968. Why would she say something like that?

969. She thinks you're a jerk

970. Why does she think I'm a jerk?

971. I don't even know this person

972. 'Cause you haven't said yes to Paris yet

973. Yeah Well, you haven't been accepted yet either, have you?

974. Well, I also told her about your brother and father

975. and those weird fishing trips you guys take

976. Hey, don't go bashing the fishing trips, all right?

977. I mean, that's a family tradition

978. Those trips are sacred

979. You don't think it's weird

980. that your mom never goes on the boat?

981. Listen, my dad has a rule

982. No women on the boat

983. You don't think that's a little strange, Mick?

984. I mean, yeah, it's strange,

985. but that's the way my dad thinks, you know?

986. He's from the old school

987. OK So what's Fran's excuse?

988. Franny, you know, Franny... Franny's got some issues

989. Yeah I'd say so

990. What are you doing getting me gifts?

991. You don't have to give me anything

992. It was nothing

993. Do you like it?

994. Yeah, of course

995. I... I love it

996. Hey, what happened to, uh, the TV?

997. What, your brother didn't tell you?

998. My brother?

999. Tell me what?

1000. It was his TV

1001. He came up here and got it

1002. My brother?

1003. Your ex-fiancé was up in this apartment?

1004. When was this?

1005. I don't know A few weeks ago

1006. Picked me up in his cab

1007. You didn't want to share this with me?

1008. Jesus, Franny, since when do I

1009. have to tell you anything?

1010. Wait, wait, wait

1011. So my brother came into

1012. your bedroom and

1013. took a TV?

1014. That's it?

1015. No actually, I tried to get him in bed,

1016. but he wasn't interested

1017. That's very funny

1018. You know, he's married now

1019. Picked up some

1020. psycho waitress, and, like,

1021. married her in his cab

1022. or some shit like that

1023. I know, you told me

1024. Sort of surprising move coming from Mickey, don't you think?

1025. It would have been nice to see some of that impulsiveness

1026. when we were together

1027. What the fuck does that mean?

1028. Nothing

1029. Hey, Fran What are you doing here?

1030. What, can't come by and see my big bro?

1031. Yeah, sure

1032. Jesus Christ

1033. What a fucking dump

1034. Hey, uh, like the pink walls, though

1035. Finally, uh, comfortable with that part of yourself, huh?

1036. You can't just come in, sit down,

1037. and keep your mouth shut, right, moneybags?

1038. That would just be too difficult for you, huh?

1039. I'm sorry

1040. Forgot Mr. Summer Breeze is so "sensitivo"

1041. Hey, I like the, uh,

1042. like the TV

1043. How'd you... How'd you swing that one, man?

1044. I thought that you two were broke, or

1045. Yeah Yeah, we still are, but, um

1046. you actually won't believe this

1047. I picked up, uh, Heather

1048. in my cab, and, you know, we got to talking,

1049. and she said she still had my old TV

1050. So I, you know, I went up to her place

1051. and, uh, you know, took it

1052. It's kind of strange seeing her again, you know?

1053. So you went back and took your TV?

1054. Well, you see it sitting there, don't you?

1055. You didn't feel like a loser?

1056. Wh-Why would I feel like a loser?

1057. Oh, I don't know, uh, three years go by,

1058. and you scurry back for a TV?

1059. I mean, it's like,

1060. admitting you're a failure

1061. and you can't afford a new TV

1062. How the hell do we have the same blood

1063. pumping through our veins?

1064. You really think I give a shit

1065. what Heather thinks about me?

1066. I mean, come on, Franny

1067. So'd you you fuck her?

1068. Did l... Did I what?

1069. Well, you're up in the apartment Did you

1070. did you put it to her? You bang her?

1071. What... Wh-Wh-What do you think?

1072. I'm some sort of degenerate?

1073. You think I'm some sort of immoral skell

1074. who cheats on his wife?

1075. Listen, I don't cheat on my wife, OK?

1076. Oh, so

1077. so you didn't fuck her?

1078. L-l-It just dawned on me, Franny

1079. You haven't fully evolved yet, have you?

1080. Mick, come on,

1081. I mean, you almost married this woman

1082. Then you're going up to be alone in her apartment to

1083. get a TV

1084. I don't buy it

1085. What do you want to hear, all right?

1086. I mean, do you want to hear that I had sex with her?

1087. I mean, would that make you happy?

1088. All right, yeah No, I did her

1089. I did her on the kitchen table

1090. We did it on the couch

1091. We even did it on the frigging TV It was beautiful

1092. I mean, I think you would have been proud of me

1093. Hey, play all the games you want to play, Mick,

1094. but I'm a man

1095. I know what I know

1096. Oh, you know what you know

1097. Listen, you know, Franny, I... I don't need this shit from you, OK?

1098. I don't need you to come over to my apartment

1099. and bust my hump

1100. Why don't you just do me a favor

1101. and get the hell out of here, OK?

1102. Sure, I'll

1103. I'll do you that favor

1104. Don't hurry back, all right?

1105. Fuck

1106. I'm sorry, Mick

1107. See, I get so guilty about this fucking divorce

1108. I shouldn't feel guilty about that, right?

1109. No No You shouldn't

1110. What you should feel guilty about, though,

1111. is fucking that other woman for the last six months

1112. That's what you should feel guilty about

1113. Tom

1114. if you were single,

1115. would you date your brother's ex-girlfriend?

1116. I don't have a brother, Mr. Fitzpatrick

1117. But if you did,

1118. is that off-limits?

1119. I'd have to say that only the lowest of the low,

1120. a real scumbag,

1121. would date his brother's ex

1122. There's a code between siblings

1123. Thanks, Tom

1124. Thanks

1125. She's beautiful, isn't she?

1126. Yeah Yeah, she really is

1127. You know she got her acceptance letter today?

1128. Yeah, I know She showed it to me

1129. You better go with her to Paris, all right?

1130. Because it's bad enough that you broke my heart

1131. when you swept her off her feet,

1132. and I am absolutely not

1133. going to let any man hurt her again, OK?

1134. Broke your heart?

1135. How did I manage to break your heart?

1136. I mean, I just what, when did I meet you, five minutes ago?

1137. My heart belongs to Hope

1138. I love her

1139. You love her?

1140. Yeah

1141. Do you guys have some sort of special relationship

1142. that maybe, you know,

1143. I should be aware of,

1144. seeing as, like, I'm married to her?

1145. Maybe, you know

1146. She didn't tell you about that?

1147. No No, she seems to, uh,

1148. have forgotten to mention it, actually

1149. Oh, oh, no, No, no, nothing... nothing like that

1150. Nothing

1151. sexual or anything

1152. Good That's a... That's a good thing

1153. Um, but, who knows?

1154. I mean, maybe one day if I'm lucky,

1155. you'll let me share her with you

1156. Hmm

1157. Hey

1158. Yeah Your friend Connie here,

1159. she, um

1160. she claims you guys have a

1161. like a... some sort

1162. of special relationship or something

1163. Did she ask if you would share me?

1164. Yeah Yeah, she

1165. she asked about that

1166. Well, what do you think of that?

1167. Well, you know, I mean, to be perfectly honest,

1168. the idea of, you know, two women

1169. at once seems like, you know,

1170. like a pleasant way to spend an evening

1171. But you know, of course

1172. not if one of the, you know, girls were my wife

1173. You know, I don't want to do it with anyone else,

1174. So, you know,

1175. so, yeah No

1176. You better believe you don't want

1177. to do it with anyone else

1178. But you and her... I mean, you guys actually never

1179. consummated, you know, this love

1180. that she speaks of?

1181. No

1182. Well, it does...

1183. It does paint a pretty mental picture, doesn't it, right?

1184. I mean, I hear it's very popular in... in Paris

1185. You know, the whole ménage a trois thing is French, right?

1186. Yeah Don't get too smart there, funny man

1187. So, are you gonna come?

1188. To... To Paris?

1189. I don't know you... you're definitely,

1190. I mean, you're serious about, you know,

1191. going through with this?

1192. Yeah

1193. Yeah, well, then, I guess I gotta go, right?

1194. I guess so

1195. So you're really gonna move to Paris?

1196. Yeah I guess it looks that way

1197. Wow Well, I bet you didn't count on that

1198. when you met her, huh?

1199. I don't know, Fran, you know?

1200. I mean, I'm

1201. I'm starting to feel confused about this thing, you know?

1202. What, are you kidding me?

1203. I don't know You know what?

1204. You know, it's like I don't even know this girl

1205. I mean, she's got these weird friends,

1206. she loves this dump we live in,

1207. and now, all of a sudden,

1208. she brings up this moving to Paris thing

1209. I don't know, you remember our little discussion

1210. about when I went over to Heather's that day?

1211. Yeah

1212. I mean, I don't know,

1213. that's got me freaked out, too

1214. You know, I mean, part of me wanted to hate her,

1215. and part of me wanted to

1216. I don't know, there was a weird connection, you know?

1217. I mean, we almost got married a few years ago

1218. Mick, come clean

1219. You fucked her

1220. Franny, don't start, all right?

1221. Hey, Mick, come on

1222. You're talking about a weird connection here, I mean

1223. Wh-What, are you still in love with her?

1224. No No, it's nothing like that

1225. But what? I mean,

1226. did she say that she's in love with you, or

1227. No I'm just saying it was weird, you know?

1228. Seeing her again That's all

1229. I mean, it was nothing

1230. Forget I said it

1231. Yeah, I can meet you there

1232. 46th and 8th All right

1233. Nice spot you picked here

1234. Yeah, well, you know, I, uh,

1235. figured it was safe

1236. Don't flatter yourself, Mickey

1237. I'm just here to talk

1238. OK

1239. Why don't we talk?

1240. Well, I was thinking about how I, um,

1241. treated you a few weeks ago, and

1242. I just wanted to apologize for that

1243. And for that night

1244. Yeah, well

1245. It's a long time ago, right?

1246. I mean, it happens

1247. So, do you... you think we can be friends?

1248. Yeah Yeah, sure

1249. We can be friends

1250. And you know, I'm sorry, too,

1251. about bringing up, you know, the whole, uh,

1252. college tuition payment plan thing, you know?

1253. Sort of fun seeing one another again, huh?

1254. Don't you think?

1255. I mean, I don't know if I'd call it fun,

1256. but, uh, you know, certainly interesting

1257. You know, I've been thinking a lot about you

1258. since you came up that day, and

1259. I don't know,

1260. sort of thinking, uh, maybe things could have been different

1261. Maybe we made a mistake

1262. We?

1263. Hey, all I did was come home in the middle of night

1264. to find you and, you know, gorilla boy, in your birthday suits

1265. OK So I made the mistake,

1266. But, I mean, did you have to run off like that,

1267. never to be heard from again?

1268. Yeah I mean, what did you expect me to do?

1269. Jump in and join the party?

1270. No

1271. I don't know

1272. Maybe give it another chance

1273. What... and... and

1274. and break up this beautiful new friendship?

1275. I'm not about to do that

1276. Besides, you know, um

1277. I'm married now, you know,

1278. so

1279. I'm gonna get out of here

1280. Bye

1281. Your mother told me

1282. he's still giving you that down cycle nonsense

1283. 32 years your mother and I have been married

1284. I don't think we've hit a down day, let alone a down cycle

1285. Mom, would you just make him go away, please?

1286. Yeah, really, Dad, that is disgusting

1287. What's disgusting? That's true love, young lady

1288. Please

1289. spare us

1290. I'm going to spare you I'm leaving

1291. I know when I'm not wanted

1292. Good Thank you

1293. And, hello, could we please not talk about my sex life anymore?

1294. Is that possible, please?

1295. Oh, excuse me, but playing with a vibrator

1296. does not qualify as having a sex life

1297. Why does she know that I have a vibrator?

1298. She's your sister

1299. Look, honey, maybe you should take him to see a doctor

1300. All right, look, Mom, don't start

1301. No, it could be physical

1302. Maybe he's having a problem with his

1303. What kind of problem?

1304. You know

1305. Getting an erection

1306. Mom, come on I'm warning you

1307. It's possible

1308. Maybe he's gay

1309. All right

1310. Francis is not gay

1311. Molly's right

1312. He could be You never know

1313. He's always been a bit of a dandy

1314. You... Excuse me

1315. This is my husband we're talking about here, OK?

1316. Listen, honey, here's what you do

1317. You go and get yourself some of that Victoria's Secret stuff

1318. It worked for us

1319. If he doesn't want you then, maybe he is gay

1320. Dad, look, OK?

1321. My husband is not a homosexual, OK?

1322. Yeah, but he's definitely under suspicion

1323. What are you talk... What is that supposed to mean?

1324. "He's under suspicion"?

1325. Well

1326. No! This is just a stage

1327. I'm sorry

1328. I looked pretty damn good in that thing,

1329. and he barely even looked at me

1330. What did I tell you?

1331. He's definitely queer

1332. I know

1333. I think you might be right

1334. Call his father and tell him about it

1335. He'll get it out of him

1336. So, are you?

1337. Dad, I told you

1338. I'm in love with another woman

1339. You're my father

1340. How could you say that to me?

1341. Franny, I just want to let you know I'm OK with it

1342. If you are or you aren't, it's all right with me

1343. I'll always love you

1344. Thanks, Dad

1345. but I'm not gay

1346. What do you think?

1347. Hell, I don't know

1348. Renee called and told me the story

1349. It sure as hell sounds like he could be

1350. He says he isn't,

1351. but you kids are all so fucking nuts, it wouldn't surprise me

1352. I don't think you have to worry about it

1353. If anybody would know, I would He's not gay

1354. The kid wears cologne, for Christ's sake

1355. Get the hell out of here

1356. I mean, come on, Fran, you're kind of prissy, all right?

1357. I mean, you like cooking, clothing, and furniture

1358. And, I mean, you wear that frigging cologne, so, you know

1359. Oh, that's brilliant, Mick

1360. That makes me gay?

1361. No, I'm just saying

1362. some people might read you as less than straight

1363. And if you are, I'm your brother,

1364. and I'll always love you, sweet boy

1365. H-Hold on a sec, OK?

1366. J-just stop and give me a minute here

1367. And look at this maleness

1368. How could you possibly think I am gay?

1369. Because you don't look at me anymore,

1370. let alone touch me

1371. How many times do I have to remind you?

1372. If you mention that goddamned down cycle one more time,

1373. I swear to God,

1374. I will cut that maleness right off, OK?

1375. It's just not natural for you to not want to have sex your wife

1376. at least once in the last three months!

1377. Whoa, whoa Why is it my fault?

1378. Maybe it's your fault! Did you ever think about that?

1379. Excuse me?

1380. How could this be my fault, huh?

1381. I went out there,

1382. and I bought all that lingerie crap,

1383. and you didn't even look at me!

1384. Was I not working that night?

1385. I'm sorry Do you remember this at all?

1386. Maybe

1387. Maybe you've got a problem or something

1388. I mean, do you think you're impotent?

1389. What?

1390. No

1391. Well, maybe

1392. maybe you caught

1393. some, like, disease or something

1394. Oh, yeah That's it, babe

1395. Syphilis

1396. OK, Francis, look

1397. Honey, if you're a homosexual,

1398. you can tell me, OK?

1399. I will understand I won't be mad

1400. But you got to talk to me

1401. Listen,

1402. will you cut it out with the homosexual business?

1403. It's getting me all skeeved out every time you say it

1404. Fine You want to know what's wrong?

1405. I'll just come right out and say it

1406. Please! I would

1407. I'm in love with someone else

1408. I want a divorce

1409. What?

1410. Since when?

1411. Just a few months

1412. Who is he?

1413. Enough with that

1414. OK?

1415. It's a she

1416. She's a woman

1417. She's a beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated woman

1418. Hmph

1419. What does that make me?

1420. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that

1421. It wasn't a comparison

1422. Listen, don't cry

1423. I'm not crying

1424. I'm leaving

1425. He's not gay

1426. He's seeing another woman, and he wants a divorce

1427. I need a cigarette

1428. Well, I guess you can go ahead

1429. and send her your vibrator

1430. She's gonna need it

1431. Ohhhh

1432. Your father scares me

1433. I don't think he likes me

1434. Hope, I'm telling you he likes you, OK?

1435. Just the other day, he was telling me how sweet he thinks you are

1436. I don't know

1437. There's just something I don't like about her

1438. She's kind of stuck up, don't you think?

1439. No, not at all I mean, she's shy with new people, that's all

1440. I don't know

1441. He seemed to get upset when I told him I don't talk to my parents anymore

1442. Now I know you're being paranoid,

1443. because the guy hated his father, and he didn't speak to him for years

1444. What kind of a person cuts their parents off?

1445. I don't know She said they were really mean

1446. Don't give me that load of horse shit

1447. Nobody was a meaner son of a bitch than my old man,

1448. but I was there for him until the day he died

1449. So he doesn't think I tricked you into this?

1450. Granted, he thinks we're nuts, but he said,

1451. "As long as you're in love, who cares what anyone else thinks"

1452. You didn't give a shit what anybody else thought, did you?

1453. You ought to hear what people are saying

1454. Who's saying anything?

1455. Your poor mother thinks you got this girl pregnant

1456. She's just waiting for that announcement

1457. Dad, I knew her for 24 hours before we got married, OK?

1458. I didn't have time to get her pregnant

1459. And your brother and I think she's an illegal

1460. She's using you to get a green card

1461. Oh, really? She's from Vermont

1462. Vermont, my ass She looks like she's from one of the islands

1463. Yeah Maybe Rhode Island

1464. Hey, Don't get smart with me, wise-ass

1465. You leave this to me

1466. I'm going to get to the bottom of this one

1467. Hey, Mr. Deluca

1468. Hey, Mickey How you are you, huh?

1469. Good, good

1470. Fine Come to buy a drill for your dad's birthday, huh?

1471. Yeah How'd you know?

1472. Your mother was in this morning

1473. She told me all about it

1474. She's a fine-looking woman

1475. Who... Who's a fine-looking woman?

1476. Your mother!

1477. She's beautiful Bellissima!

1478. Your father, he don't know how lucky he is

1479. Me? I'm not so lucky

1480. My wife...

1481. 42 years of marriage...

1482. she has no love for me

1483. Ah, well

1484. That's for another time

1485. Hey, how you gonna pay for this?

1486. Um, just put it on the old man's tab, all right?

1487. You take care of yourself, Mr. Deluca, all right?

1488. Fine

1489. Nice to meet you

1490. Ciao Arrivederci

1491. Oh, hey, Mickey, Mickey!

1492. Say hello to your mother, huh?

1493. No, wait, now

1494. Wait a min...

1495. Damn it

1496. You really are a jackass, aren't you?

1497. Dad, I had to tell her

1498. You had to tell her in the middle of my birthday dinner

1499. Now she's gone up to see Father John

1500. She probably won't be back here for three weeks

1501. You're gonna find my laundry on your doorstep, buddy

1502. Why is she so upset? She didn't even like Renee

1503. Hey, in case you've forgotten, moron,

1504. as a Catholic, you're not supposed to get divorced

1505. Yeah, you're supposed to live unhappily

1506. and lie to one another for the rest of your life

1507. Hey, wait a minute I don't give a shit what you say out there,

1508. but when you're in my house,

1509. you're not gonna start bashing the Church

1510. What are you getting so upset about, Dad?

1511. I mean, you don't even believe in God

1512. Doesn't mean I stopped being a good Catholic

1513. Excuse me

1514. I need a moment

1515. I'm gonna go talk to him

1516. That's not a good idea, Hope

1517. You had to bring up the divorce during dinner, right?

1518. Hey, don't blame this all on me, Mick

1519. She was complaining he spends too much time on the boat anyway

1520. This guy's 60 years old

1521. He wants to spend the rest of his life on that boat, he should be allowed

1522. Yeah, what about Mom?

1523. What should she do, sit around here and wait for him?

1524. It's his life, Mick

1525. Are you OK?

1526. Yeah

1527. I'm sorry about that in there

1528. Me and the missus haven't been seeing eye to eye these days

1529. Well

1530. 34 years we've been together

1531. I guess things change

1532. So, uh, Mickey tells me

1533. you kids are moving to Paris

1534. Yeah I'm going to the Sorbonne

1535. How come?

1536. For my PhD

1537. Ohh

1538. Yeah, you look French

1539. Uh, European

1540. Or, uh

1541. maybe from one of the islands

1542. Oh, yeah?

1543. What islands?

1544. Oh, I don't know

1545. So, where are you from?

1546. Vermont

1547. Ohh

1548. So you're an American citizen?

1549. Yeah

1550. Yeah

1551. Good

1552. You know, it's funny

1553. Mrs. Fitzpatrick... my wife...

1554. she found out Mickey got married,

1555. she was understandably upset, you know?

1556. She thought it might be some sort of shotgun wedding,

1557. seeing as we've never seen you before

1558. So there's nothing you want to tell me?

1559. No

1560. 'Cause if you are pregnant,

1561. I mean, that's fine

1562. You know, I always thought it'd be nice

1563. to have a few grandkids running around the house

1564. Thought maybe Franny and Renee would give me a few,

1565. but that didn't work out

1566. What about you?

1567. Thanks, but, no, I'm not pregnant

1568. Oh, OK

1569. Ah, God

1570. And you are an American citizen?

1571. Last time I checked

1572. Yeah, yeah

1573. I thought so

1574. Tell me where you got it

1575. Why?

1576. Francis, just tell me where you got it, OK?

1577. I told you before It was a gift

1578. Yeah, yeah I know that From who though?

1579. What's the big deal? It's a watch

1580. The big deal is it looks a hell of a lot

1581. like a watch I used to own, OK?

1582. What does that mean?

1583. Just tell me where you got the fucking watch, asshole, all right?

1584. I don't have to tell you anything

1585. Listen to me, Francis, that watch on your wrist is my old watch

1586. When I went to get my TV from Heather, I gave her the watch

1587. Now you're wearing the watch

1588. What I want to know is why the fuck are you wearing my watch?

1589. OK

1590. Heather gave it to me

1591. Yeah, no shit, Dick Tracy

1592. But what I want to know is why

1593. Listen, Mick, it's a long story

1594. I should've told you before

1595. I should've told you before, but...

1596. 'Cause I didn't know how

1597. Yeah, you've been having a lot of trouble lately with that, haven't you?

1598. The woman I've been seeing

1599. is Heather

1600. My Heather

1601. No My Heather

1602. You're having sex with my Heather?

1603. My ex-fiancée

1604. That bitch who broke my heart

1605. I love her, Mick

1606. No, you don't

1607. Yes, I do

1608. Let's get this straight, OK?

1609. You do not love my ex-fiancée

1610. Can you understand that?

1611. No You get this straight

1612. I'm going to marry her, Mick

1613. You... What the fuck are you talking about? You're gonna marry her?

1614. You don't even know her, you fucking moron!

1615. What the hell's going on here?

1616. You know why this skell is leaving Renee?

1617. 'Cause he's screwing around with Heather

1618. the whore

1619. Don't call her a whore

1620. Hey, man, I'll call her whatever the fuck I want to call her

1621. You're my brother, man What the hell are you doing?

1622. What do you got to say for yourself?

1623. Fuck him

1624. I know why he's really pissed

1625. Don't even go there, bitch

1626. I should kick your ass for calling my girl a whore

1627. Oh, now she's your girl You hear this?

1628. Yeah, she's my girl

1629. And I'm gonna kick your fucking ass

1630. How do you like that, Mr. Loser-Cab-Driver-Can't-Afford-A-New-TV?

1631. All right, ladies!

1632. OK, let's take this outside Come on

1633. I hope you realize how stupid you all look

1634. You're grown men

1635. You're supposed to be brothers

1636. Sorry, Hope,

1637. but sometimes this is the only way you can solve these things

1638. OK, girls

1639. Uh-uh I'm not gonna fight you, Fran

1640. I know that, Mick

1641. I'm gonna beat you You're gonna bleed

1642. Don't worry It shouldn't take long

1643. We got to do this?

1644. I mean, with the gloves and everything?

1645. What, are we in fifth grade again?

1646. Oh, you should have thought of that before you called her a whore

1647. He's right Now, come on

1648. No punching below the belt, no kicking,

1649. and, Francis, no biting

1650. Let's go

1651. May the best man win

1652. 25 fucking years I've been waiting

1653. for the day I'd be bigger, tougher,

1654. stronger than you

1655. When you go down it's gonna hurt, baby

1656. I'm gonna kick your fucking ass

1657. You ready? You ready to be humiliated

1658. in front of your new wife and your father?

1659. You are an ugly bitch I pity you

1660. Great punch, Mick

1661. You always did have a great right

1662. Come on, Dorothy

1663. It's all over

1664. Hey

1665. Hey

1666. How you doing?

1667. Not bad

1668. What happened to you?

1669. I told Mickey about us

1670. One punch?

1671. It was a cheap shot

1672. Hey, Hope, this had nothing to do with Heather, OK?

1673. I mean, this had to do with me and Fran

1674. You know, he's tried to turn our entire lives into a competition

1675. That was just another way of him saying,

1676. "Fuck you, Mickey I won"

1677. Well, I don't buy it, Mick

1678. Something else was going on there,

1679. and you know it

1680. Listen, Hope,

1681. you know, I don't know what to tell you, all right?

1682. I mean, that's what it was about

1683. I'm gonna go take a shower

1684. Does it hurt?

1685. No, no

1686. It's fine

1687. Listen

1688. I've got something for you

1689. What's this?

1690. Will you marry me?

1691. You have to get divorced first, Fran

1692. Well, yeah

1693. Sure, but

1694. Well, this will be like a pre-divorce,

1695. pre-engagement engagement ring

1696. Open it

1697. Fran

1698. you didn't have to do this

1699. Come here, you poor little thing

1700. So?

1701. Why are you doing this?

1702. Because I love you

1703. Can I have some time to think about it?

1704. Yeah

1705. I'm not going anywhere

1706. You know, Mick,

1707. I got to side with Hope on this one

1708. You had no reason to be pissed at Franny

1709. Are you kidding me, Dad?

1710. Hey, don't think for a second

1711. I can't still knock you on your ass, OK?

1712. Sorry But, I mean, you know what Fran was up to

1713. My entire life he's been pulling crap like this with me

1714. Let me tell you something You're no different

1715. You wouldn't have been standing out in the backyard

1716. with the gloves on if you were

1717. And if you don't believe me,

1718. let me refresh your memory

1719. Little League You're 12, he's 11

1720. He's pitching, you're at bat

1721. He's got a full count on his big brother...

1722. his idol

1723. If he strikes you out, he's the hero

1724. What does he do?

1725. He throws you a meatball right down the middle

1726. If you take it and go down looking,

1727. you make Franny the hero

1728. But you swing away

1729. Hey

1730. So

1731. how we doing?

1732. You tell me

1733. Well, you know, I want to apologize for the other night

1734. I think this whole thing is crazy and stupid

1735. But it's like

1736. you know

1737. I'm... I'm a little confused

1738. So, how's your friend Heather?

1739. Wouldn't know

1740. Well, look, Mick

1741. I've been doing some thinking and, uh

1742. who were we kidding?

1743. We only knew one another for a few hours

1744. There's no way that was going to work, right?

1745. I mean, I don't know if I'd say that

1746. It's just, you know, when you brought up the whole Paris thing,

1747. it kind of threw me, you know?

1748. I don't know

1749. You're using that as an excuse

1750. We both know what's really going on here

1751. I'm leaving for Paris on Monday,

1752. and I think it's best if I go alone

1753. Um, you... you sure about that?

1754. No, but

1755. I've made up my mind

1756. What did he say?

1757. Not much

1758. Did he fight for you?

1759. No

1760. Not really

1761. Oh

1762. What are you going to do about Paris?

1763. You going to go alone?

1764. Yeah

1765. Hiya, Fran

1766. Hey, Mick

1767. What are you doing here?

1768. What, I can't come by to see my little brother?

1769. So?

1770. So, what happened, huh?

1771. Out of all the thousands of women in Manhattan

1772. you just happened to fall in love with Heather?

1773. Mick, that's not how it happened

1774. We both work on Wall Street

1775. We run in similar circles

1776. Oh, Jesus Give me a break, Fran

1777. What, do you think I'm a moron?

1778. I'm your brother, man What were you thinking?

1779. You just had to go after her, right?

1780. It wasn't like that, Mick!

1781. What is your problem anyway?

1782. You're still in love with this woman?

1783. Is that why this bothers you?

1784. No, it has nothing to do with that, OK?

1785. We're not in competition anymore, Fran

1786. Look at your life, man You won already

1787. You got the big apartment,

1788. You got the nicer clothes

1789. You're Mr. Big-Swinging- Dick-Around-Town

1790. What more do you want?

1791. Maybe he just wants to be happy

1792. Oh, to be happy Really?

1793. Oh, that's... that's great

1794. Yeah, well, who am I to get in the way of this... What was it?

1795. "Happiness"

1796. Franny obviously hasn't told you yet

1797. Told me what?

1798. Your brother's asked me to marry him

1799. Great

1800. Great That's terrific

1801. Hey, congratulations

1802. Thank you

1803. Hey, are you out of your fucking mind?

1804. Don't start with me, Mick

1805. I love her

1806. Hey, hey No, you don't, OK?

1807. You don't love her because she's unlovable

1808. Oh, so you didn't love her now?

1809. Yeah, I did, but that was a long time ago,

1810. and I was a stupid jerk-off who thought he could change her

1811. Yeah, well, I don't want to change her

1812. That's 'cause you don't know her, Fran

1813. Ohh Oh, I don't know her OK

1814. Franny, listen to me, all right?

1815. I mean

1816. I didn't want to have to tell you this,

1817. but if you're going to marry this girl,

1818. there's a lot about her you should know

1819. Drop it Because there's nothing you can say

1820. that's gonna change the way I feel about her, OK, Mick?

1821. Listen, Franny,

1822. don't be so sure about that, all right?

1823. When she was, um

1824. When she was in college, she, uh

1825. you know, paid her way through school by

1826. You know, she was a

1827. She was a call girl

1828. What do you mean "a call girl"?

1829. I mean, you call a service,

1830. they send her over, she does her thing...

1831. Whoa Whoa What are you saying?

1832. Like a hooker?

1833. No no, not like a hooker

1834. She was a hooker

1835. You are so sick, Mick

1836. You would stoop to this level

1837. You think I'd make something like this up?

1838. Get the fuck out of here!

1839. Because the only reason you're saying this

1840. is 'cause you don't want me and Heather to be together!

1841. No I'm saying this because I'm your brother

1842. I don't want you to find out after you're married

1843. I'm sorry, man, but it's true

1844. She's a hooker?

1845. L-I knew she was seeing some other guy, but

1846. What the fuck?

1847. Mickey, I can't marry a hooker

1848. Hey, come on, Franny

1849. It's not that big a deal

1850. It's not like she's a hooker anymore

1851. Not that big a deal?

1852. Mickey, you're my brother

1853. How could you keep this from me?

1854. L-l-I got to... I got to get some air

1855. Listen, tell her

1856. T-Tell her I

1857. I don't care what you tell her

1858. Where's Franny?

1859. He, um

1860. You know, he's not feeling so good all of a sudden

1861. He went out to get some air

1862. You told him?

1863. Yeah, well, he is my brother, right?

1864. Yeah, but you always said you didn't have a problem with that

1865. I still don't

1866. But, you know

1867. if he's gonna marry you, I think he's got a right to know, right?

1868. Yeah, well,

1869. we'll see what he's really made of, I guess, huh?

1870. What the hell you talking about, Father?

1871. She left this morning,

1872. said she was going up there

1873. I just came from the church

1874. She isn't up there now

1875. In fact, I haven't seen her at Mass for six months

1876. Hey, john, better start mixing a little more water with that wine

1877. She goes to the 8:00 Mass every morning

1878. She's up there praying for the boys

1879. Not in my church, she doesn't

1880. Lucky I didn't kill that little shit!

1881. So, what's with Dad?

1882. He's half in the bag He's acting crazy

1883. So, what happened today?

1884. Mom left him this morning

1885. She'd been going up to Deluca's hardware store every day

1886. and

1887. Ohh, I can't even stomach it

1888. Screwing around with Mr. Deluca

1889. Oh, my God Mom and Deluca?

1890. Asshole!

1891. That's disgusting

1892. Dad goes up there today...

1893. They're in a back room

1894. You should have seen it It was ugly

1895. Dad gave the guy a horrible beating

1896. Christ

1897. What about Mom? What? Where'd she go?

1898. She went to church

1899. to pray for Dad

1900. Pray for me, my ass!

1901. She's the one who's gonna need prayers now!

1902. Man

1903. Tommy, do I look as good as I think I do?

1904. Very handsome, Mr. Fitzpatrick

1905. How's the hair, babe?

1906. Um

1907. still there, sir

1908. It's gonna be a good day, Tom

1909. Good day indeed, my man

1910. First day of the rest of my life

1911. Making some changes, babe

1912. Heather, what... what's going on here?

1913. I'm leaving

1914. No, forget that

1915. You can't leave

1916. Listen, I'm in love with you

1917. I still want to marry you

1918. I'm sorry, Francis

1919. Here's your ring

1920. I can't marry you

1921. Why not?

1922. Because Papa and I were married this morning

1923. Wh-What the...

1924. One day you say you're gonna marry me,

1925. the next you're running off to marry the old man

1926. He loves me

1927. Of course he loves you!

1928. You're a beautiful young woman

1929. He's got one foot in the grave!

1930. This is not because he makes more money than I do

1931. No

1932. Don't tell me this has anything to do with the sex

1933. Certainly didn't help matters much

1934. And you know what, Franny?

1935. He didn't care about my past

1936. Oh, he doesn't care about your past

1937. Well, maybe that's due to the fact that

1938. he doesn't know you were a hooker

1939. He was my best customer

1940. Thanks for the memories

1941. You've ruined my life!

1942. Hello?

1943. Renee?

1944. Hello, Francis

1945. What can I do for you?

1946. Ahem

1947. Listen, this is very hard for me to say

1948. But l... I feel

1949. Listen, I know I made a mistake

1950. I know I've been selfish and thoughtless

1951. and self-concerned

1952. but I'm gonna change

1953. I want the chance to do the right thing

1954. I want you to come home

1955. I miss you

1956. I'm gonna pay more attention to you

1957. I want the chance to make it work again

1958. Will you come home?

1959. I mean, come on, Francis

1960. What do you want from me here, huh?

1961. I don't think so

1962. You know, a day late and a dollar short,

1963. you know what I mean?

1964. You know, and quite honestly,

1965. uh, I don't think I could survive another one of your down cycles

1966. Hey, Carol, what's doing?

1967. Hi

1968. What are you doing here?

1969. I'm, uh

1970. looking for Hope

1971. She here?

1972. No Mm-mmm

1973. She's not

1974. You know maybe where she might be?

1975. 'Cause, uh, I want to talk to her,

1976. you know, before she goes

1977. Look, Mick

1978. you fucked up, all right?

1979. You're a jerk

1980. You broke her heart just like I told her you would

1981. Why don't you just get out of here?

1982. All right Um, do me a favor

1983. I mean, tell her that I, uh,

1984. tell her that I came by and, you know,

1985. that I want to see her before she goes

1986. OK?

1987. And tell her that I, uh,

1988. tell her that I miss her

1989. Mick was just here

1990. Well, what did he want?

1991. I still say he's a prick, OK?

1992. But

1993. he did sound upset

1994. and he did say that he missed you

1995. And he said he wants to see you before you go

1996. So maybe you should go by

1997. and see him or something

1998. Tortilla Flats

1999. Uh, hold on a second

2000. It's Mick's dad

2001. Hello

2002. I blew it

2003. I blew it, man

2004. I had the greatest woman in the world

2005. and I blew it

2006. Hey, you don't know from blowing it, pal

2007. I had the perfect wife

2008. I screwed it up

2009. No, you didn't, man

2010. I had the perfect wife

2011. But you're right,

2012. you did screw it up for me

2013. So, thanks I owe you one

2014. You know what, Mick?

2015. If you really think about it,

2016. all this is, uh

2017. entirely your fault

2018. Oh, really?

2019. How do you, uh

2020. How do you figure that?

2021. Well, if you never, uh,

2022. met and got involved with Heather

2023. where would we be now?

2024. It's an interesting theory

2025. I hope you didn't hurt yourself

2026. coming up with that one, all-star

2027. I just, I mean, I still can't believe

2028. that you wanted to marry her

2029. I mean, you really...

2030. You are a confused

2031. and... and demented soul

2032. It's... It's very upsetting to me,

2033. You know, as your brother

2034. Oh, me?

2035. Confused?

2036. Hey, listen, pal, I'm not the fool who's gonna let his new bride

2037. go enjoy a wonderful honeymoon in Paris without him

2038. What, do you think I don't want to go?

2039. You know, she said she didn't want me there, so

2040. what am I supposed to do?

2041. Well

2042. you want to get married without a best man?

2043. Pay the price, pal

2044. By the way

2045. Remember, it's six hours ahead over there

2046. Sorry

2047. Yeah

2048. Ahem

2049. Why don't we give this to the bartender, huh?

2050. It's gonna get nippy out there, boys

2051. And this is probably gonna be

2052. our last fishing trip of the season

2053. Franny, sit down a minute, will you?

2054. I want to talk to you kids

2055. You know

2056. Seeing as we're all sitting here,

2057. crying in our beers while our women are out living their lives,

2058. I

2059. I got to think that maybe

2060. I got to apologize to you guys

2061. for all the rotten advice I've been giving you

2062. Don't be so hard on yourself

2063. You don't have to apologize to us

2064. Yeah, I do

2065. I did it to both of you, though

2066. Look at you You're a fucking mess,

2067. and I'm partly responsible

2068. I don't even know what to tell you

2069. First time in my life I'm at a loss for words

2070. What do you think's gonna happen between you and Mom now?

2071. I don't know

2072. We had a down cycle

2073. We just couldn't get out of it

2074. I told you

2075. It happens

2076. Hey

2077. Enough of this horse shit

2078. Come on We gonna go fishing or what?

2079. You know, this isn't gonna be so bad, boys

2080. Long as we got each other,

2081. we'll do fine

2082. Deirdre, are you coming?

2083. I don't think I'm gonna make it today, Dad

2084. Why the hell not?

2085. Because Hope's going to Paris tomorrow,

2086. and I'm going to go with her

2087. All right Well, can't make it fishing,

2088. maybe you can help us load up the gear

2089. Hey

2090. Hi

2091. What are you, uh

2092. What are you doing here?

2093. I don't know really

2094. Your dad called to invite me fishing

2095. Yeah? What about, uh

2096. what about Paris?

2097. What about Paris?

2098. You, uh, you still think you want to go alone?

2099. Mick, come on

2100. I didn't come to Brooklyn this morning

2101. to go fishing with your father

2102. You see, Hope?

2103. All these years he's been ignoring my advice

2104. Now he's finally wising up

2105. Come on, Mickey, get your ass in the boat!

2106. Give me a hand

2107. Hey, Mr. Fitz, don't you think I should drive?

2108. I think maybe we should take this

2109. one step at a time, honey

2110. }}