She's the One (1996)

1. Cigar? No. No, I'm gonna wait till we get out there.

2. You about ready to go? Yeah, I am.

3. Where's your sister? He's in the bathroom primping himself.

4. He thinks we're going to a fashion show, I guess.

5. Come on, sweetheart, while we're still young.

6. What do you think, Dad? You ever seen such a good-looking head of hair?

7. Just get your ass moving, pretty boy.

8. Hey, tough guy,

9. don't want to start the first fishing trip of the summer with a cigar?

10. And you wonder why your breath stinks and your teeth are green, right?

11. My teeth are not green, my man.

12. Yeah, but they sure as shit ain't white— All right, come on, ladies!

13. I'm not gonna have you start the summer off with your bickering.

14. Let's go. Francis, your brother's right. Go brush your teeth.

15. Your breath's disgusting. What'd I tell you, my man?

16. I'm concerned for you, Mick.

17. I think maybe it's time for you to get focused on something, you know?

18. Maybe get a job. Dad, I got a job.

19. That ain't a job. That's an excuse to avoid reality.

20. I think it's time you thought about settling down, sinking your teeth into something.

21. Something that'll give your life some meaning.

22. Now, I'm not saying you gotta go work on Wall Street with this one,

23. but how about the fire department?

24. Or a cop, you know? Something with some benefits.

25. The way I see it is this—

26. Ever since the hairy ass incident,

27. it's like you've been out of the game.

28. You've been running away from life instead of running towards it.

29. I think it's a good time right now to turn around...

30. and start running towards life again.

31. You know what I'm talking about?

32. Can I toss this asshole overboard? Is that all right?

33. - Don't get that way with me, Mick! I'm just trying to help. - Shut up, Francis.

34. But your sister's right.

35. You need something with some stability.

36. You know what, Dad? I don't need any stability because I'm happy right where I am.

37. Big deal. You're happy.

38. You're never gonna make any real money.

39. Who gives a shit? Look at you. You make a pile of dough, and you're miserable.

40. What's that got to do with anything?

41. And I'm not miserable, okay? I'm dissatisfied.

42. That's what makes me a success.

43. Now, Mickey, there's something I've been meaning to tell you since you've been back.

44. I think you did the right thing.

45. The last thing you needed to do was get married, especially to that one.

46. The one thing you gotta remember...

47. is this is your life, not theirs.

48. You gotta do what makes you happy first, okay?

49. Taxi!

50. Hey, what the hell?

51. J.F.K., please.

52. Hey, how you doin'?

53. I'm— I'm good. I'm good.

54. What about you?

55. Where, um- Where are you flying to? New Orleans.

56. Oh, yeah? Vacation or something?

57. No. Actually, my best friend from high school is getting married.

58. It's kind of a funny story.

59. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

60. Her sink was clogged a few weeks ago, so she called a plumber.

61. This really nice guy came over to fix it,

62. and she ended up having sex with him under the sink.

63. So, now she's gonna marry him.

64. This is your best friend having sex under the sink?

65. Mm-hmm. It's good to know.

66. So, what about you? Are you married?

67. Me? No.

68. I mean, I was engaged once a couple of years ago, but it didn't pan out.

69. What happened? Nothing really.

70. I came home early one night to find her and some guy passed out on my living room floor,

71. both of them completely naked.

72. Oh, God. Did you know the guy?

73. No. All I saw was his hairy ass staring back at me.

74. But I think he may have been a plumber too actually.

75. Well, what did you do? You know, nothing actually.

76. I walked out of the apartment, got into my car...

77. and spent the next three years driving around the country.

78. Wow.

79. Well, do you have any regrets about it?

80. Yeah. Yeah, one.

81. I should have taken my frigging TV with me when I left.

82. How long would it take me to drive to New Orleans?

83. It's not that long. It's like 23-24 hours, maybe.

84. How much would that cost?

85. You could probably get a pretty cheap rental car here at the airport.

86. What if you drove me? How much would that be?

87. If I drove you in my cab?

88. If I kept the meter running, it would cost $70-80,000, maybe.

89. 80,000. Look, you could come to my friend's wedding.

90. I'm allowed to bring a date.

91. Are you serious about this? You want me to drive you to New Orleans in my cab?

92. Yeah. Come on, please? It'll be fun.

93. I really don't want to fly, and if I did and I died it would all be your fault.

94. And I don't think you want to live with that guilt.

95. My fault? Mm-hmm.

96. Wait. Tell me why you're so afraid to fly, then maybe I'll consider it.

97. I don't like planes.

98. Hi, babe. Hey.

99. You busy? A little busy.

100. Too busy to maybe, I don't know, do it tonight?

101. Do what, babe?

102. Oh, I don't know, Francis.

103. Why don't I take off my clothes, and you can do whatever you'd like.

104. Renee, come on. You know I've got to get this work done.

105. How about a little consideration, huh?

106. Well, how about a little consideration for me, huh?

107. You know, we haven't had sex for a while.

108. You know?

109. All right, listen. Okay.

110. If you're still up when I have this finished, we'll do it. Okay?

111. You know, don't do me any favors, all right, Romeo?

112. I could just as easily go into the bathroom and use my vibrator.

113. That would be a little difficult, wouldn't it, hon,

114. seeing as you don't own a vibrator?

115. Babe, what's the big deal with me owning a vibrator?

116. No big deal. You just don't have one.

117. Okay. Occasionally I need sex.

118. And for some reason, I'm married to a man who doesn't like to have sex anymore.

119. So from time to time, I like to pleasure myself with a vibrator.

120. Deal with it.

121. Excuse me? Pleasure yourself? That's rich.

122. And no, I'm not gonna deal with it, because you're my wife.

123. We have sex like normal people— in a bed, lying down.

124. We don't run to bathrooms and masturbate like animals with any friggin' vibrators.

125. Maybe you don't, but I do.

126. So, you don't wake up that libido of yours, I'm in that bathroom in about five minutes.

127. Or, hey, better yet!

128. I could go get it, and we could play with it together.

129. Okay, very funny.

130. Listen, let's get this straight once and for all.

131. We do not have a vibrator in this home.

132. Do we?

133. Yo, Franny!

134. Francis! Better go see who that is.

135. - Hey, Franny! It's me, Mickey! - I can see that. What the hell are you doing?

136. You're not gonna believe this.

137. I, uh— I got married.

138. Let us up. I want you to meet my wife.

139. What? Mickey! Congratulations! When did this happen?

140. Let us up. I'll tell you all about it.

141. Yeah, hold on a second, Mick.

142. He wants to come up.

143. Yeah, I heard. What's your problem? Let them up!

144. I would like to meet her. Honey, it's late. You're not thinking straight.

145. Hey, Mick! We're glad you're living such a romantic life, both of us.

146. But, hey, some people got some real jobs, you know, responsibilities.

147. Catch you tomorrow. Give me a call! Congratulations though!

148. Hey, fuck you, you prick. Come down and let us in.

149. Excus— I'm gonna let you into my home in the middle of the night...

150. after you don't invite me to your wedding?

151. Mickey, don't listen to him. Of course you can come up. I'll send him down right now.

152. Excuse me? What are you talking about?

153. I'm gonna let this man into my home in the middle of the night...

154. after he doesn't invite me to his wedding?

155. Oh, you're sick. Oh, I'm sick? I'm sick?

156. I'm not the one with the vibrator.

157. Listen, I find that thing, I'm gonna mail it to your mother...

158. with a nice detailed letter describing your perversions.

159. Go right ahead. Who do you think got me the damn thing in the first place?

160. Okay? She knows my pain.

161. Anyway, we were having a great time together on the drive down,

162. and I guess it was sometime after we crossed into Kentucky...

163. that we fell in love.

164. Then Mickey came with me to my friend's wedding,

165. and when we were dancing, he said, "It should have been us who got married."

166. And I mean, I just ran over, I got the priest out of the bar, pulled him onto the dance floor,

167. and he married us right there in the middle of the reception.

168. Oh. Oh! I want to get married like that.

169. Mickey, do you have any other brothers that I just don't know about?

170. Sorry, babe. Just Princess Kitty over there.

171. I think you're stuck with him.

172. That's it, huh? Is this true, Mick?

173. What can I say, man? I'm about the love.

174. Obviously. I had no idea you were such an impetuous romantic.

175. I mean, that's a pretty impulsive move you guys pulled.

176. But I'm sorry— When did you actually meet?

177. Wednesday. Oh, today's... Saturday.

178. Okay, so you were married without a best man when?

179. Thursday.

180. Oh, so you had a full 24 hours to get to know each other then.

181. Oh, Francis. No, I'm relieved, honey. Aren't you?

182. I mean, I thought they might have rushed into this.

183. Watch yourself, Francis. Okay?

184. You know what, you guys? Don't listen to Francis.

185. He's about as impulsive and romantic as a nun.

186. In fact, you know what, honey? I'm wondering why you actually didn't become one.

187. So am I, honey.

188. You don't know your brother as well as you think you do. He's actually very romantic.

189. I don't think we need to go there right now. Thank you.

190. Oh, no. Let's go there, by all means.

191. Sure. Mr. Romantic. Mr. Summer Breeze. All about the love.

192. Of course, what would I know? I'm just the brother who wasn't the best man.

193. Oh, Francis, you're gonna have to get over this.

194. Nothing to get over, hon. I'm thrilled. Couldn't be more.

195. Congratulations, guys. Romance is wonderful. We all love it.

196. It brightens the day. I just want to remind you, it don't pay the rent.

197. Okay?

198. Is he okay?

199. Yeah. He'll live.

200. This is the honeymoon suite, huh? Yeah.

201. What do you think's going on? What is she, an illegal? Pregnant? What?

202. Maybe an illegal. She looks like she's from one of the islands.

203. Yeah. I was thinking the same thing.

204. You know, I'm concerned for him, Francis. You think it'll last?

205. No shot. You kidding me?

206. Poor kid.

207. Never used up here. Always used in here.

208. Just like your mother.

209. I tell ya, I just can't believe...

210. he did it without me, frankly.

211. I should have been there. I should have been his best man.

212. He was my best man.

213. So, just for the record, it is bad luck to have a wedding without a best man.

214. Jesus. You're not crying, are you, Francis?

215. No, no. I am not interested in what they have to say!

216. I am interested in you doing what you're told!

217. Now, when you've done that, call me Ba- No! Have Ryan call me!

218. Mr. Fitzpatrick, I have Miss Davis on the phone. Yeah, yeah. Put her through.

219. Heather? Are you okay?

220. I called the office this morning. They said you called in sick.

221. I called the apartment, you're not there.

222. Are you all right? Yeah. I'm fine.

223. How's work?

224. Work's fine. Where are you? I'm at Papa's.

225. Who the hell is Papa?

226. Come on, Franny. You know my friend Papa.

227. Oh, oh, you mean Carl, the old guy.

228. I thought we agreed we were gonna call him Carl, the diaper-wearing geriatric,

229. not Papa.

230. What the hell are you doing there?

231. I slept over here last night... with him.

232. You mean, you slept with him, as in had actual...

233. sexual intercourse with this— this animal?

234. Amongst other things. That's not funny.

235. He's older than your father, for God's sakes. Francis, my father's dead.

236. My point exactly. Thank you.

237. This is very, uh— This is very upsetting.

238. I think it's extremely important that I see you as soon as possible...

239. so I can show you the error of your ways here.

240. Well, he's gonna be gone all day long.

241. You could come over to his place if you want.

242. I'm afraid I, uh, still have my pride, darling.

243. I'm not gonna meet you at this old fucker's apartment.

244. Well, I guess you won't see me today then, will you?

245. Okay.

246. What's the address?

247. Well, I hope that cleared things up for you, hon.

248. What?

249. Excuse me.

250. Don't even try to tell me sex with Grandpa was better than with me.

251. You're not in competition with him, Francis.

252. Besides, one wasn't better than the other.

253. They were just... different.

254. They'd better damn well be different.

255. He's an old man who can't control his bladder and has to wear diapers,

256. and I'm a young stallion in the prime of my youth.

257. But how was it different? Just different. Forget I said anything.

258. No, no. Elaborate.

259. I think it might be enlightening to understand how...

260. sex might be different with a fossil.

261. Okay, but don't get mad, all right?

262. I won't.

263. I faked my orgasm with you.

264. So?

265. I didn't have to with Papa.

266. I gotcha.

267. Come on, Francis. Don't be mad.

268. You wanted to know.

269. No, I, uh- I really didn't, hon.

270. Don't pull this jealous bullshit with me, okay?

271. I can sleep with whomever I want.

272. Remember? I'm not the one that's married. You are.

273. You really had an orgasm with him?

274. - Pardon my asking, Tom, but how old are you? - Sixty-eight.

275. You know, I was just wondering, more out of curiosity than anything,

276. if a guy your age can...

277. still... have sex.

278. Only when the wife gives me the okay.

279. So, you can still perform then if she says so? Sure.

280. As a matter of fact, my wife tells me I'm better now than when I was in my 20s.

281. Great.

282. That's terrific, Tom.

283. So, this apartment of ours, how long have you lived there?

284. Almost two years. Isn't it great?

285. Yeah, it is. It is. It's a little small though. But it's cozy.

286. Cozy? Yeah.

287. You know, it's funny.

288. When I took a shower this morning, there was no hot water, so I wasn't too cozy.

289. Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you— we never have hot water on weekends.

290. Really? Great.

291. You know, there's a big hole in the ceiling in the bathroom, too,

292. because this morning when I was brushing my teeth,

293. I had a nice view up some guy's boxer shorts.

294. That's Jim. You'll have to meet him. He's a good guy.

295. Oh, is he? Yeah? Jim's a good guy? Good. Good.

296. If I'm gonna be looking at his pecker every morning, he may as well be a good guy.

297. I better get going. This is where I work.

298. Yeah? Right here, huh?

299. You know, it looks actually like it might get a little chilly in there,

300. seeing as you're standing here practically naked.

301. I could run home and get you a nice, big down jacket or a sweat suit or something.

302. 'Cause that might help.

303. I don't think so.

304. I'll see you later. Bye.

305. All right. Take it easy. Bye.

306. Hey, babe. What's up? Was that him?

307. Cute, huh? I don't know.

308. I mean, I thought he kinda looked like a real jerk.

309. Well, thanks, Connie. That's real sweet of you. No, I'm sorry. I know.

310. I mean, he's probably— He's probably a really, really, really nice guy.

311. I don't know.

312. Did you have to marry him?

313. Absolutely.

314. So I guess you're gonna go to Paris with him instead of me then.

315. Well, we really haven't discussed that yet, but, um—

316. Does- Oh.

317. Oh, well, it's nice to see you're being up front and honest...

318. at the start of the relationship.

319. That's good. Hey, I've only known him a week.

320. I haven't had a chance to tell him my life story yet. Give me a break.

321. No. No, I understand. I understand.

322. However, it'll just be interesting to see how a cabdriver from Brooklyn...

323. feels about moving to Paris, that's all.

324. I mean, he'll probably be fine with it.

325. No big deal. He'll just move to Paris with you.

326. It'll never last. Believe me.

327. Nightmare when they get to know each other.

328. Maybe they were made for each other.

329. Those things can happen, you know.

330. Carol and I met right here at the beach club in 1963 by the pool.

331. That's right. On a Friday morning.

332. By Saturday night, I had her in the dunes.

333. Jesus, Ron! Oh, Jesus.

334. They don't want to hear all the details!

335. Come on. We've been together ever since.

336. - There's something to be said for that. - Enough about the dunes.

337. - So, what's going on, Franny? How are things on Wall Street? - Things are good.

338. Things are good? You're a 25-year-old kid, you make a half a mil a year.

339. I would say things are better than good.

340. I hate to spoil the illusion, Ron, but I don't make that kind of money.

341. Oh. Francis, do me a favor, please? Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

342. By the way, it's been a while since you gave your favorite father-in-law a nice inside tip.

343. Yeah, and when are you going to set me up with some of your rich friends?

344. Excuse me, you guys. My husband has some ethics. Okay?

345. He's not some sort of cheating sleazebag. Right, babe?

346. What's the matter? You don't want to share the wealth anymore, kid?

347. - It's not the only thing he don't want to share anymore. - Mom, would you please?

348. What? What? You getting greedy in your old age, Fran? Huh?

349. You know, it's really nice to come see you guys. It's a wonder we don't do it more often.

350. Honey! Hey! Hey!

351. Don't be getting sarcastic on us, young lady.

352. We're your parents,

353. and therefore, you're in no position to approve or disapprove...

354. of what we say or do, you understand?

355. Right! He's right, right, right! Really? Really?

356. Well, my analyst is just gonna have a field day with that little bit of psychosis.

357. If you two lunatics will excuse me, I'm gonna go play some tennis.

358. Her analyst? Don't ask.

359. Macrocom.

360. I'll call you Monday.

361. Hey, babe.

362. I'm gonna go to work now, all right?

363. Okay. Do you love me?

364. Yeah. Yeah. Of course I do.

365. Good, 'cause I love you.

366. Bye. Okay. All right. Take care.

367. Thanks a lot.

368. 75th and Madison, please.

369. So, 75th and Madison, huh? That's a pretty swanky address.

370. Excuse me?

371. My God. Mickey? Yep.

372. What are you doing?

373. I'm— I'm in shock, is what I'm doing. What are you doing?

374. I'm going home.

375. What about you? How you been?

376. You know, I've been good.

377. Good.

378. Everything's all right?

379. Yeah. Yeah. Everything's fine. So, what about you?

380. You look like you must finally be making some decent money.

381. You know. Still on Wall Street. Not making as much money as I'd like, but—

382. Yeah, well, you were never easy to please, right?

383. So, you know, you married yet?

384. No. He hasn't asked just yet.

385. Oh, really, huh?

386. Not that hairy ape who was sprawled out on my carpet, I hope.

387. No. Not him.

388. Yeah, well, I can't say I blame you.

389. From what I did see of him, he wasn't too pretty. A little on the furry side.

390. So, who's the prospective husband? Anybody I know?

391. No. I don't think so. He and his friends have real jobs.

392. Yeah. Right. From anyone else I would take that as an insult.

393. But, you know, you seem to forget the fact...

394. that I know how you put yourself through college.

395. Somebody had to pay for my education, sweetheart.

396. Had to bring that up, right?

397. An eye for an eye.

398. Okay, I've made up my mind. I can't go through with this.

399. If you're gonna take the television,

400. I think it's only fair that you give me back the watch.

401. I mean, it is the watch I gave you, right?

402. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

403. But, uh, like you said, the watch was a gift and the TV wasn't.

404. If I recall correctly, I did pay for part of the television.

405. I mean, it's not like you could afford it on your own.

406. Okay.

407. You want the watch? You can have the watch.

408. Doesn't really mean that much to me anyhow.

409. It's not the watch I want, Mickey.

410. Yeah.

411. Why don't we just give that a break already, okay, Heather?

412. Give it a break.

413. You mean to tell me that you actually came up here for the television?

414. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Why do you think I came up here?

415. You are so full of shit.

416. Yeah? How do you figure that?

417. You can honestly say that you don't ever think of me anymore?

418. Yeah, sure. Of course, you know, I think about you.

419. I think, you know, what could have possibly possessed you...

420. to take that dirt bag home to my apartment?

421. Come on, Mickey. We both knew the relationship was over before that.

422. I wanted a career, and you wanted—

423. Who the hell knows what you wanted? Did you ever figure that out?

424. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

425. Oh, that's right. Your brother told me. You got married.

426. What do you mean, "my brother"? Since when do you speak to Francis?

427. Well, you know, he and his friends have real jobs,

428. so occasionally I run into him.

429. Yeah, well, you know, it's, uh— it's a shame he's married.

430. You two probably would have hit it off

431. Maybe. Anyhow, I'm just sorry that you had to find out the way you did.

432. - I would have liked to have been friends. - Friends? Really? Yeah.

433. Well, you know what, Heather?

434. I don't think that would have worked because, see, I got this thing.

435. I try and keep the number of friends who, like, lie and cheat to me to a minimum.

436. Please, Mickey. Put your fucking sanctimonious bullshit to rest already.

437. Hey, I'm sorry.

438. I guess the fact that, you know,

439. I've always tried to behave like a decent human being has rubbed you the wrong way.

440. Yeah, but look where your decency's gotten you.

441. You're the only English-speaking white guy driving a cab in New York.

442. That should tell you something.

443. You know what, Heather?

444. I've gotta imagine it beats sucking dick for a living though, huh?

445. Depends on whose dick it is.

446. Hey, Jim. Hello, Mick.

447. How they hanging, man? Hanging fine. Thanks, Mick.

448. Oh, hey, babe. Hey.

449. It's frigging hot in here today. What happened?

450. Yeah. I know. We lost our electricity again, so—

451. Oh, really? Again? Great. I really love this place. It's great.

452. Just grab a beer if you want to cool off. Well, you know what, Hope?

453. I don't mean to point out the obvious,

454. but usually the fridge doesn't work if there's no electricity.

455. How is it? It's good. It's really good.

456. It's got a nice warm-piss quality to it, you know?

457. Oh, you're in a good mood, huh? So what's with the TV?

458. Oh, yeah. You like it? I figured we needed a TV.

459. Yeah, I know. It's fine. But where'd you get it?

460. I, um— It's funny you should ask.

461. I picked up, uh, Heather in my cab today.

462. I told you she had the TV,

463. so, you know, basically I told her I wanted my TV back.

464. Oh, really? And then what happened?

465. I went to her apartment, I got the TV, and I carried it out.

466. You were up in your ex-fiancée's apartment today?

467. How was that? Was it fun?

468. What are you doing, huh? I went up there for the TV. That's it.

469. Are you mad at me? No.

470. Hey, come on, Hope. All right? I mean, enough.

471. Hey. Hey.

472. If there's one thing you don't have to worry about, it's that. All right?

473. Yeah. I know.

474. I'm allowed to get a little jealous sometimes, aren't I?

475. No. No. I'm- I'm a good guy.

476. Yeah, right. I've heard that song and dance before.

477. So... she have a nicer apartment than us?

478. Well, you know,

479. she's got electricity, so that's, you know— that's kind of nice.

480. I'm jealous of them. Don't be. Please.

481. Listen, he's a cabdriver. She's a waitress.

482. They live in a fourth-floor walk-up with no electricity, okay?

483. Yeah, but do you see how they're always all over one another?

484. Bet they have sex all the time. Does he ever tell you stuff like that?

485. What? This man is my brother, but I do not ask him how often he's having sex with his girl.

486. I mean, what kind of numbers we talking?

487. Like five, six, seven times a day?

488. Listen, I'm not telling you anything.

489. Bet it's a lot.

490. Remember how much we used to do it when we first got married?

491. Yeah, sure.

492. But, honey, you know everyone's like that when they first meet.

493. Then you get into a groove. You slow down.

494. It would be impossible to keep up that level of intensity for an extended period of time.

495. I mean, you'd hurt yourself.

496. That's why your back's all fucked up, huh?

497. You're doing her, what, around the clock?

498. What kind of sick degenerate are you?

499. This is my wife you're talking about.

500. I think we have a problem with our sex life.

501. Listen, no, we don't.

502. Unlike those two animals, we have real jobs and responsibilities.

503. We don't have all day to rub up against each other.

504. Our sex life is fine, believe me.

505. Francis, I cannot remember the last time I saw your penis.

506. What? Excuse me. What kind of language is that?

507. We're in a public street here.

508. Maybe we should get some of those sex improvement tapes.

509. Or I could get that stuff from Victoria's Secret. Maybe that would help.

510. Honey, would you stop talking about this, 'cause you're depressing me, okay?

511. I told you, it's— it's a down cycle, that's— that's all.

512. What?

513. You're not familiar with the down cycle? No. No. No.

514. Wh-What exactly is the, uh— the down cycle?

515. You know, in a relationship you got ups, downs.

516. Sometimes you do it a lot, you know, like you're doing.

517. Other times, you know, not at all.

518. Ups and downs. Down cycle.

519. I feel for you, man.

520. You're a— You're a sick individual, and you need help.

521. I think maybe we should talk about our apartment situation.

522. Why? You don't like our apartment?

523. No, no, no. It's not that at all.

524. I like the fact that we never have electricity and hot water,

525. and I love the pink walls.

526. I'm just thinking- Maybe it's a little too small for two people.

527. Yeah, I know, but there's a chance we'll only be there another month,

528. and then we might be moving to Paris.

529. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean, we might be moving to Paris?

530. Why would we ever move to Paris?

531. 'Cause I might be going to school there in the fall.

532. This is Paris, France, you're talking about? Yeah.

533. The country in Europe where they hate Americans? That's not true.

534. They just don't like stupid Americans.

535. You know, Hope, unfortunately I would probably fall into that category.

536. So, wh-when do we find out about this?

537. This is a fairly important development in our life, don't you think?

538. I should find out if I get in this week. Really? That's great. Terrific.

539. You know, thanks for letting me in on this. I, uh— I really appreciate it.

540. You know, Mick, maybe your brother's right.

541. This would be the perfect time for you to run towards life.

542. Do you think this is something your little wife had in mind?

543. Don't joke about that. She's still my wife.

544. All of a sudden, he's got a conscience.

545. Listen, I think it's time we started discussing our future.

546. What about this? Do you think she'd like this?

547. Listen, I'm serious about this.

548. We have to decide where this relationship is going.

549. Obviously, it's not going anywhere, now, is it, Francis?

550. No. Obviously, you don't understand.

551. This relationship has to reach the next level,

552. and we, as a couple, have to decide what that next level is.

553. Why the sudden urgency?

554. Well, for one thing,

555. I don't like the fact that you have sex with a geriatric.

556. Well, how do you think I feel about you going home and seeing your wife every night?

557. I haven't had sex with my wife in months.

558. Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Francis.

559. Clearly, you need the practice.

560. You know, Francis,

561. if you're afraid to ask her for a divorce,

562. why don't you just have sex with her in the meantime?

563. Dad, I'm in love with another woman.

564. I don't think it would be fair to have sex with Renee.

565. Let me get this straight. You don't want to cheat on your girlfriend with your wife?

566. Yeah. I guess so.

567. Jesus Christ, Francis. Are you sure I'm your father?

568. You know, I'm gonna have to double-check with your mother on this.

569. Come on, Dad.

570. I'm serious.

571. How do you think Mom will take it? She's gonna be devastated.

572. She's been up at that goddamn church every morning praying for your brother.

573. Then she tells me yesterday I spend too much time on the boat.

574. Well, I don't even want to get into that discussion.

575. Now you're gonna get divorced. Christ.

576. She's gonna be up there with Father John 24 hours a day.

577. Thanks a lot, buddy. I'm going to have to start making my own breakfast again.

578. I'm sorry if my divorce interferes with your breakfast plans, Dad.

579. Hey, don't get all sensitive on me now, Barbara.

580. All your life you've always wanted to screw...

581. every good-looking skirt who walked by.

582. Now you're making all this money, you're probably finding you can have half of them.

583. Come on, Dad. What have you been telling me my whole life?

584. I gotta do what makes me happy first, right?

585. Besides, it's normal male behavior, right?

586. We can't control millions of years of evolution.

587. You know— You know what it's like, really?

588. It's just like you— you've been driving a '74 Buick your whole life.

589. Then suddenly,

590. you find yourself behind the wheel of a brand-new Porsche.

591. How do you go back to the Buick?

592. Yeah.

593. I guess you can't.

594. You know what, Dad?

595. I'm really doing this for Renee.

596. I'm sure she's gonna be really thrilled.

597. Thank you.

598. Thanks. Happy anniversary.

599. You really enjoyed that, didn't you?

600. They were fun, weren't they?

601. Yeah. No, they were. They were a lot of fun.

602. But they were also a $12 fare, you know?

603. Oh, they were sweet. It was their anniversary.

604. I'm very happy for them, but they looked like they could afford to pay 12 bucks,

605. whereas we, on the other hand, cannot.

606. I, II pay the $12, Mr. Cheapo.

607. Oh, really? And do you happen to have this $12 on you, by any chance?

608. No. Not right now. I'll give it to you later.

609. Great. Great. Listen, you gotta do me a favor.

610. I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but next time you ask to come to work with me,

611. remind me to say no.

612. And all this time I thought you were a romantic. I am a romantic.

613. As long as it doesn't interfere with paying the rent on time.

614. I would rather live in the back of this cab...

615. than let something like rent get in the way of our romance.

616. What do you have to say to that?

617. Okay. Okay.

618. When you're right, you're right. Jerk.

619. But speaking of backseats, I know a little place where we could park...

620. and maybe put this backseat theory of yours to the test.

621. Yeah?

622. Yeah. Let's go.

623. Oh, my God.

624. No, not yet.

625. She's been with her sister all day. I couldn't do it, Dad.

626. Hold on. I think this is her.

627. Shit. Listen, I'll, uh— I'll call you later.

628. Hi, honey. Who was that?

629. You know, uh, what's-his-face from work.

630. Oh. You're talking to him a lot lately.

631. Anyhow, your old Scott from college was talking to my friend Nicole.

632. I went to camp with her sister Patty.

633. Right. I know Nicole. She went to B.U. with Scott's brother David.

634. Anyhow, he was telling her that his divorce was just finalized.

635. - Ohh. - W-Who got divorced?

636. You know, Scott Sherman.

637. Yeah. He caught his wife boning her dentist in the shower.

638. "Boning"? That's charming.

639. Oh. Oh. This is Fatso. Four-eyed, greasy-haired Scott?

640. The computer geek tapping on the keyboard there.

641. He was not that fat.

642. He was a 300-pound sack of shit, hon.

643. Maybe to you that's not fat, but, uh, what the hell— you loved the animal.

644. Oh, that's really nice. And he was not 300 pounds.

645. He was slightly overweight. That's all. Right?

646. Renee, his tits were bigger than mine.

647. All right, all right. So he wasn't so skinny.

648. But he was a very smart, really sweet guy,

649. which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the two of you.

650. You better be sweet, you weigh 500, huh?

651. What is your problem with Scott?

652. He's just a shy, harmless guy.

653. Do you have to be in competition with everybody?

654. Well, you know what, hon?

655. If he's such a sweetheart and I'm such a creep, why didn't you marry the fat pig?

656. I don't know. If I'd known you were going to turn into such an asshole, maybe I would have.

657. Well, fat or not, guess who's got his phone number?

658. You? You have Scott's phone number?

659. - Well, you're not going to call him. - Of course I am.

660. What, you think you're the only one who's gonna marry rich?

661. I need somebody to pick up my Bergdorf bills too, sweetheart.

662. Where are you from? What are you— No! You're my sister.

663. There's supposed to be an honor code between siblings.

664. I mean, you do not date your sister's ex-boyfriend.

665. Honey, let her go out with him. What the fuck is the big deal?

666. Unless you, uh, still have feelings for the yard ape.

667. No. It has nothing to do with that. Okay?

668. This is— This has to do with respect. That's all— respect.

669. A word that the two of you obviously are not very familiar with.

670. My friend Connie doesn't think we'll last another month.

671. Why would she say something like that? She thinks you're a jerk.

672. Why does she think I'm a jerk? I don't even know this person.

673. 'Cause you haven't said yes to Paris yet.

674. Well, you haven't been accepted yet either, have you?

675. Well, I also told her about your brother and father...

676. and those weird fishing trips you guys take.

677. Hey, don't go bashing the fishing trips.

678. I mean, that's a family tradition. Those trips are sacred.

679. You don't think it's weird that your mom never goes on the boat?

680. Listen, my dad has a rule. No women on the boat.

681. You don't think that's a little strange, Mick?

682. I mean, yeah, it's strange. But that's the way my dad thinks, you know?

683. He's from the old school. Okay. So what's Fran's excuse?

684. Franny, you know, Franny— Franny's got some issues.

685. Yeah. I'd say so.

686. What are you doing getting me gifts?

687. You don't have to give me anything. It was nothing.

688. Do you like it? Yeah, of course.

689. I— I love it. Hey, what happened to, uh, the TV?

690. What, your brother didn't tell you?

691. My brother? Tell me what?

692. It was his TV. He came up here and got it.

693. My brother?

694. Your ex-fiancé was up in this apartment? When was this?

695. I don't know. A few weeks ago. Picked me up in his cab.

696. You didn't want to share this with me?

697. Jesus, Franny, since when do I have to tell you anything?

698. Wait, wait, wait.

699. So my brother came into... your bedroom and... took a TV?

700. That's it?

701. No. Actually, I tried to get him in bed, but he wasn't interested.

702. That's very funny. You know he's married now.

703. Picked up some psycho waitress...

704. and, like, married her in his cab or some shit like that.

705. I know. You told me.

706. Sort of surprising move coming from Mickey, don't you think?

707. It would have been nice to see some of that impulsiveness when we were together.

708. What the fuck does that mean?

709. Nothing.

710. Hey, Fran. What are you doing here?

711. What, I can't come by and see my big bro? Yeah, sure.

712. Jesus Christ.

713. What a fucking dump.

714. Hey, uh, like the pink walls though.

715. Finally, uh, comfortable with that part of yourself, huh?

716. You can't just come in, sit down and keep your mouth shut, right, moneybags?

717. That would just be too difficult for you, huh? I'm sorry.

718. Forgot Mr. Summer Breeze is so "sensitivo."

719. Hey, I like the, uh— I like the TV.

720. How'd you— How'd you swing that one, man?

721. I thought that you two were broke, or-

722. Yeah, yeah, we still are, but, um—

723. You actually won't believe this. I picked up Heather in my cab.

724. And, you know, we got to talking, and she said she still had my old TV

725. So, you know, I went up to her place and, uh, you know, took it.

726. It was kind of strange seeing her again, you know?

727. So you went back and took your TV?

728. Well, you see it sitting there, don't you?

729. You didn't feel like a loser?

730. Wh-Why would I feel like a loser?

731. Oh, I don't know.

732. Three years go by, and you scurry back for a TV?

733. It's like admitting you're a failure and you can't afford a new TV.

734. How the hell do we have the same blood pumping through our veins?

735. You really think I give a shit what Heather thinks about me? I mean, come on, Franny.

736. So, did... you fuck her?

737. Did I— Did I what?

738. While you were up in the apartment, did you— did you put it to her?

739. What- What do you think? I'm some sort of degenerate?

740. You think I'm some sort of immoral skell who cheats on his wife?

741. Listen, I don't cheat on my wife, okay?

742. Oh, so— so you didn't fuck her?

743. It just dawned on me, Franny. You haven't fully evolved yet, have you?

744. Mick, come on. I mean, you almost married this woman.

745. Then you're going up to be alone in her apartment to get a TV.

746. I don't buy it.

747. What do you want to hear?

748. Do you want to hear that I had sex with her? Would that make you happy?

749. All right, yeah. I did her. I did her on the kitchen table. We did it on the couch.

750. We even did it on the frigging TV. It was beautiful.

751. You would have been proud of me. Play all the games you want to play, Mick.

752. But I'm a man. I know what I know.

753. Oh, you know what you know.

754. Listen, you know, Franny, I— I don't need this shit from you, okay?

755. I don't need you to come over to my apartment and bust my hump.

756. Why don't you just do me a favor and get the hell out of here, okay?

757. Sure, I'll— I'll do you that favor.

758. Don't hurry back, all right?

759. Fuck.

760. I'm sorry, Mick.

761. See, I get so guilty about this fucking divorce.

762. I shouldn't feel guilty about that, right?

763. No. No. You shouldn't.

764. What you should feel guilty about though...

765. is fucking that other woman for the last six months.

766. That's what you should feel guilty about.

767. Tom, if you were single, would you date your brother's ex-girlfriend?

768. I don't have a brother, Mr. Fitzpatrick.

769. But if you did, is that off-limits?

770. I'd have to say that only the lowest of the low,

771. a real scumbag, would date his brother's ex.

772. There's a code between siblings.

773. Thanks, Tom.

774. Thanks.

775. She's beautiful, isn't she?

776. Yeah. Yeah, she really is.

777. You know she got her acceptance letter today?

778. Yeah, I know. She showed it to me.

779. Mm-hmm.

780. You better go with her to Paris.

781. Because it's bad enough that you broke my heart when you swept her off her feet,

782. and I am absolutely not gonna let any man hurt her again, okay?

783. Broke your heart? How did I manage to break your heart?

784. I mean, when did I meet you— five minutes ago?

785. My heart belongs to Hope. I love her.

786. You love her? Yeah.

787. Do you guys have some sort of special relationship that maybe I should be aware of,

788. seeing as, like, I'm married to her, maybe?

789. She didn't tell you about that?

790. No. No, she seems to, uh, have forgotten to mention it actually.

791. Oh, oh, no, no, no, nothing— nothing like that.

792. Nothing... sexual or anything.

793. Good. That's a- That's a good thing.

794. Mmm. Um, but who knows?

795. I mean, maybe one day, if I'm lucky, you'll let me share her with you.

796. Hmm.

797. Hey.

798. Yeah. Your friend Connie here, she, um—

799. she claims you guys have a—

800. like a— some sort of special relationship or something.

801. Did she ask if you would share me?

802. Yeah. Yeah. She— She asked about that.

803. Well, what do you think of that?

804. Well, you know, I mean, to be perfectly honest,

805. the idea of, you know, two women at once seems like—

806. you know, like a pleasant way to spend an evening.

807. But, you know, of course, not if one of the girls were my wife.

808. I don't want to do it with anyone else, so, you know.

809. So, yeah. No.

810. You better believe you don't wanna do it with anyone else.

811. But you and her— I mean, you guys actually never...

812. consummated, you know, this love that she speaks of?

813. No.

814. Well, it does paint a pretty mental picture, doesn't it, right?

815. I mean, I hear it's very popular in— in Paris.

816. The whole ménage à trois thing is French, right? I mean, is it?

817. Yeah. Don't get too smart there, funny man.

818. So, are you gonna come?

819. To- To Paris? I don't know. You—

820. You're definitely— I mean, you're serious about going through with this?

821. Yeah.

822. Yeah, well, then I guess I gotta go, right?

823. I guess so.

824. So you're really gonna move to Paris?

825. Yeah. I guess it looks that way. Wow.

826. Well, I bet you didn't count on that when you met her, huh?

827. I don't know, Fran, you know? I mean, I'm—

828. I'm starting to feel confused about this thing, you know?

829. What, are you kidding me? I don't know. You know what?

830. It's like I don't even know this girl.

831. I mean, she's got these weird friends, she loves this dump we live in,

832. and now, all of a sudden, she brings up this moving to Paris thing and—

833. You remember our little discussion about when I went over to Heather's that day?

834. Yeah.

835. I mean, I don't know. That's got me freaked out too.

836. A part of me wanted to hate her, and part of me wanted to—

837. I don't know. There was a weird connection, you know?

838. We almost got married a few years ago.

839. Mick, come clean. You fucked her.

840. Franny, don't start, all right? Hey, Mick, come on.

841. You're talking about a weird connection here.

842. Wh-What, are you still in love with her? No, it's nothing like that.

843. But what? I mean, did she say that she's in love with you, or—

844. No. I'm just saying it was weird, you know, seeing her again. That's all.

845. I mean, it was nothing. Forget I said it.

846. Yeah, I can meet you there.

847. 46th and 8th. All right.

848. Nice spot you picked here.

849. Yeah, well, you know, I, uh, figured it was safe.

850. Don't flatter yourself, Mickey. I'm just here to talk.

851. Okay. Why don't we talk?

852. Well, I was thinking about how I, um, treated you a few weeks ago,

853. and... I just wanted to apologize for that...

854. and for that night.

855. Yeah, well, it was a long time ago, right? I mean, it happens.

856. So, you think we can be friends?

857. Yeah. Yeah, sure. We can be friends.

858. And you know, I'm sorry, too, about bringing up, you know,

859. the whole, uh, college tuition payment plan thing, you know?

860. Sort of fun seeing one another again, huh? Don't you think?

861. I mean, I don't know if I'd call it fun,

862. but, uh, you know, certainly interesting.

863. You know, I've been thinking a lot about you...

864. since you came up that day,

865. and I don't know,

866. I was sort of thinking maybe things could have been different.

867. - Maybe we made a mistake. - We?

868. Hey, all I did was come home in the middle of the night...

869. to find you and, you know, gorilla boy in your birthday suits.

870. Okay. So I made the mistake.

871. But I mean, did you have to run off like that, never to be heard from again?

872. Yeah. I mean, what did you expect me to do, jump in and join the party?

873. No.

874. I don't know. Maybe give it another chance.

875. What? And- And- And break up this beautiful new friendship?

876. I'm not about to do that.

877. Besides, you know, um,

878. I'm married now, you know, so—

879. I'm gonna get out of here.

880. ♪ Well, you know who I am ♪ Bye.

881. Your mother told me he's still giving you that down-cycle nonsense.

882. Thirty-two years your mother and I have been married,

883. I don't think we've hit a down day, let alone a down cycle.

884. All right. Great. Mom, would you just make him go away, please?

885. Yeah, really, Dad, that is disgusting. What's disgusting?

886. That's true love, young lady. Please, spare us!

887. I'm gonna spare you. I'm leaving. I know when I'm not wanted.

888. Good. Thank you. And hello, could we please not talk about my sex life anymore?

889. Is that possible, please?

890. Oh, excuse me, but playing with a vibrator...

891. does not qualify as having a sex life.

892. Why does she know that I have a vibrator? She's your sister.

893. Look, honey, maybe you should take him to see a doctor.

894. All right, look, Mom, don't start with me, please. No, it could be physical.

895. Maybe he's having a problem with his— What kind of problem?

896. You know, getting an erection.

897. Mom, come on! I'm warning you. Well, it's possible.

898. Maybe he's gay.

899. All right. Francis is not gay.

900. Molly's right. He could be. You never know.

901. He's always been a bit of a dandy.

902. You— Excuse me. This is my husband we're talking about here, okay?

903. Listen, honey, here's what you do. What?

904. Get yourself some of that Victoria's Secret stuff. It worked for us.

905. If he doesn't want you then, maybe he is gay.

906. Okay. Dad, look, okay? My husband is not a homosexual, okay?

907. Yeah, but he's definitely under suspicion.

908. What— What are you talk— What is that supposed to mean? "Under suspicion"?

909. Well— No! This is just a stage!

910. I'm sorry. I looked pretty damn good in that thing,

911. and he barely even looked at me.

912. What did I tell you? He's definitely queer.

913. I know. I think you might be right.

914. Call his father and tell him about it. He'll get it out of him.

915. So, are you? Dad, I told you.

916. I'm in love with another woman.

917. You're my father. How could you say that to me?

918. Franny, I just want to let you know I'm okay with it.

919. If you are or you aren't, it's all right with me. I'll always love you.

920. Thanks, Dad, but I'm not gay.

921. What do you think? Hell, I don't know.

922. Renee called and told me the story. It sure as hell sounds like he could be.

923. He says he isn't, but you kids are all so fuckin' nuts, it wouldn't surprise me.

924. I don't think you have to worry about it. If anybody would know, I would. He's not gay.

925. Mickey, the kid wears cologne, for Christ's sake.

926. Get the hell out of here. I mean, come on, Fran, you're kind of prissy.

927. I mean, you like cooking, clothing and furniture.

928. And I mean, you wear that friggin' cologne, so, you know—

929. Oh, that's brilliant, Mick. That makes me gay?

930. No, I'm just saying, some people might read you as less than straight.

931. And if you are, I'm your brother, and I'll always love you, sweet boy.

932. H-Hold on a second, okay?

933. J-Just stop and give me a minute here...

934. and look at this maleness.

935. How could you possibly think I'm gay?

936. Because you don't look at me anymore, let alone touch me.

937. How many times do I have to remind you?

938. If you mention that goddamned down cycle one more time,

939. I swear to God, I will cut that maleness right off, okay?

940. It's just not natural for you to not want to have sex with your wife...

941. at least once in the last three months!

942. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why is it my fault?

943. Maybe it's your fault! Did you ever think about that?

944. What? Excuse me? How would this be my fault, huh?

945. I went out there and I bought all that lingerie crap,

946. and you didn't even look at me!

947. Was I not working that night?

948. I'm sorry. Do you remember this at all?

949. Baby, maybe— maybe you've got a problem or something.

950. I mean, do you think you're impotent? What?

951. No.

952. Well, maybe—

953. maybe you caught some, like, disease or something?

954. Oh, yeah. That's it, babe. Syphilis.

955. Okay, Francis, look.

956. Honey, if you're a homosexual, you can tell me, okay?

957. I will understand. I won't be mad.

958. But you gotta talk to me.

959. Listen, will you cut it out with the homosexual business?

960. It's getting me all skeeved out every time you say it.

961. Fine. You want to know what's wrong?

962. I'll just come right out and say it. Please! I would.

963. I'm in love with someone else.

964. I want a divorce.

965. What?

966. Since when?

967. Just a few months.

968. Who is he? Enough with that, okay?

969. It's a she. She's a woman.

970. She's a beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated woman.

971. Hmph.

972. What does that make me?

973. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like— It wasn't a comparison.

974. Listen, don't cry. I'm not crying.

975. I'm leaving.

976. He's not gay. He's seeing another woman, and he wants a divorce.

977. I need a cigarette.

978. Well, I guess you can go ahead and send her your vibrator.

979. She's gonna need it.

980. Your father scares me. I don't think he likes me.

981. Hope, I'm telling you he likes you, okay?

982. Just the other day, he was telling me how sweet he thinks you are.

983. I don't know. There's just something I don't like about her.

984. She's kind of stuck up, don't you think? No, not at all.

985. She's shy with new people, that's all.

986. I don't know. He seemed to get upset when I told him I don't talk to my parents anymore.

987. You're being paranoid. The guy hated his father and didn't speak to him for years.

988. What kind of a person cuts their parents off? She said they were really mean.

989. Don't give me that load of horseshit.

990. Nobody was a meaner son of a bitch than my old man, but I was there for him until he died.

991. So he doesn't think I tricked you into this?

992. Granted, he thinks we're nuts, but he said,

993. "As long as you're in love, who cares what anyone else thinks?"

994. You didn't give a shit what anybody else thought, did you?

995. You ought to hear what people are saying. Who's saying anything?

996. Your poor mother thinks you got this girl pregnant. She's just waiting for that announcement.

997. Dad, I knew her for 24 hours before we got married, okay?

998. I didn't have time to get her pregnant.

999. And your brother and I think she's an illegal.

1000. She's using you to get a green card. Really? She's from Vermont.

1001. Vermont, my ass. She looks like she's from one of the islands.

1002. Yeah. Maybe Rhode Island. Hey, don't get smart with me, wiseass.

1003. You leave this to me. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this one.

1004. Hey, Mr. Deluca.

1005. Hey, Mickey! How you are you, huh? Good, good.

1006. Fine. Come to buy a drill for your dad's birthday, huh?

1007. Yeah. How did you know? Your mother was in this morning.

1008. She told me all about it. She's a fine-looking woman.

1009. - Who's a fine-lookin' woman? - Your mother! She's beautiful. Bellissima!

1010. Your father, he don't know how lucky he is. Me? I'm not so lucky.

1011. My wife— 42 years of marriage—

1012. she has no love for me.

1013. Ah, well, that's for another time.

1014. - How you gonna pay for this? - Just put it on the old man's tab, all right?

1015. You take care of yourself, Mr. Deluca, all right? Fine.

1016. Nice to meet you. Ciao. Arrivederci.

1017. Oh, hey, Mickey, Mickey! Say hello to your mother, huh?

1018. No, wait, now. Wait a min—

1019. Damn it.

1020. You really are a jackass, aren't you? Dad, I had to tell her.

1021. Yeah, you had to tell her in the middle of my birthday dinner.

1022. Now she's gone up to see Father John. She probably won't be back here for three weeks.

1023. You're gonna find my laundry on your doorstep, buddy.

1024. Why is she so upset? She didn't even like Renee.

1025. In case you've forgotten, moron, as a Catholic, you're not supposed to get divorced.

1026. You're supposed to live unhappily and lie to one another for the rest of your life.

1027. Wait a minute, buddy. I don't give a shit what you say out there,

1028. but when you're in my house, you're not gonna start bashing the church.

1029. What are you getting so upset about, Dad?

1030. I mean, you don't even believe in God.

1031. Doesn't mean I stopped being a good Catholic.

1032. Excuse me. I need a moment.

1033. I'm gonna go talk to him.

1034. That's not a good idea, Hope.

1035. You had to bring up the divorce during dinner, right?

1036. Hey, don't blame this all on me, Mick.

1037. She was complaining he spends too much time in the boat anyway.

1038. This guy's 60. He wants to spend the rest of his life on that boat, he should be allowed.

1039. What about Mom? Should she sit around here and wait for him?

1040. It's his life, Mick.

1041. Are you okay?

1042. Yeah.

1043. I'm sorry about that in there.

1044. Me and the missus haven't been seeing eye to eye these days.

1045. Well, 34 years we've been together. I guess things change.

1046. So, uh, Mickey tells me you kids are moving to Paris.

1047. Yeah. I'm going to the Sorbonne. How come?

1048. For my PhD. Oh.

1049. Yeah, you look French— uh, European.

1050. Or, uh, maybe from one of the islands.

1051. Oh, yeah? What islands?

1052. Oh, I don't know.

1053. So, where are you from? Vermont.

1054. Oh. So you're an American citizen? Yeah.

1055. Good.

1056. You know, it's funny. Mrs. Fitzpatrick— my wife—

1057. She found out Mickey got married, she was understandably upset.

1058. She thought it might be some sort of shotgun wedding,

1059. seeing as we've never seen you before.

1060. So there's nothing you want to tell me?

1061. No.

1062. 'Cause if you are pregnant, I mean, that's fine.

1063. I always thought it'd be nice to have a few grand kids running around the house.

1064. Thought maybe Franny and Renee would give me a few,

1065. but that didn't work out.

1066. What about you? Thanks, but, no, I'm not pregnant.

1067. Oh! Good, good.

1068. And you are an American citizen? Last time I checked.

1069. Yeah, yeah. I thought so.

1070. Tell me where you got it. Why?

1071. Francis, just tell me where you got it, okay?

1072. I told you before, it was a gift. Yeah, yeah. I know that.

1073. From who though? What's the big deal? It's a watch.

1074. The big deal is it looks a hell of a lot like a watch I used to own, okay?

1075. What does that mean?

1076. Just tell me where you got the fuckin' watch, asshole, all right?

1077. I don't have to tell you anything. Listen to me, Francis.

1078. That watch on your wrist is my old watch.

1079. When I went to get my TV from Heather, I gave her the watch.

1080. Now you're wearing the watch. What I want to know is, why are you wearing my watch?

1081. Okay. Heather gave it to me.

1082. Yeah, no shit, Dick Tracy. What I want to know is why.

1083. Listen, Mick, it's a long story.

1084. I should've told you before.

1085. I should've told you before, but... I didn't know how.

1086. Yeah, you've been having a lot of trouble lately with that, haven't you?

1087. The woman I've been seeing... Is Heather.

1088. My Heather?

1089. No. My Heather.

1090. You're having sex with my Heather, my ex-fiancée, that bitch who broke my heart?

1091. I love her, Mick. No, you don't.

1092. Yes, I do. Let's get this straight, okay? You do not love my ex-fiancée.

1093. Can you understand that?

1094. No. You get this straight. I'm gonna marry her, Mick.

1095. You- What the fuck are you talking about, you're gonna marry her?

1096. You don't even know her, you fucking moron! What the hell's going on here?

1097. You know why this skell is leaving Renee? 'Cause he's screwing around with—

1098. with Heather, the whore.

1099. Don't call her a whore. I'll call her whatever the fuck I wanna call her.

1100. You're my brother, man. What the hell are you doing?

1101. What do you got to say for yourself, Francis?

1102. Fuck him. I know why he's really pissed.

1103. Don't even go there, bitch.

1104. I should kick your ass for calling my girl a whore.

1105. Oh, now she's your girl. You hear this?

1106. Yeah, she's my girl, and I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass.

1107. How do you like that, Mr. Loser-Cab-Driver- Can't-Afford-A-New-TV?

1108. All right, ladies! Okay, let's take this outside. Come on.

1109. I hope you realize how stupid you all look.

1110. You're grown men. You're supposed to be brothers.

1111. Sorry, Hope, but sometimes this is the only way you can solve these things.

1112. Okay, girls.

1113. Uh, I'm not gonna fight you, Fran. I know that, Mick.

1114. I'm gonna beat you. You're gonna bleed. Shouldn't take long.

1115. We gotta do this? I mean, with the gloves and everything? Are we in fifth grade again?

1116. You should have thought of that before you called her a whore, tough guy.

1117. He's right. Now, come on. No punching below the belt, no kicking.

1118. And, Francis, no biting.

1119. All right. Let's go. May the best man win.

1120. Twenty-five fucking years I've been waiting for the day...

1121. I'd be bigger, tougher, stronger than you.

1122. When you go down, it's gonna hurt, baby.

1123. I'm gonna kick your fucking ass. Are you ready?

1124. You ready to be humiliated in front of your new wife and your father?

1125. You are an ugly bitch. I pity you.

1126. Great punch, Mick. You always did have a great right.

1127. Come on, Dorothy. It's all over.

1128. Hey. Hey.

1129. How you doing? Not bad.

1130. What happened to you?

1131. I told Mickey about us.

1132. One punch?

1133. It was a cheap shot.

1134. Hey, Hope, this had nothing to do with Heather, okay?

1135. This had to do with me and Fran.

1136. You know, he's tried to turn our entire lives into a competition.

1137. That was just another way of him saying, "Fuck you, Mickey. I won."

1138. I don't buy it, Mick. Something else was going on there, and you know it.

1139. Listen, Hope, you know, I don't know what to tell you, all right?

1140. I mean, that's what it was about.

1141. I'm gonna go take a shower.

1142. Does it hurt? No, no. It's fine.

1143. Listen.

1144. I've got something for you.

1145. What's this?

1146. Will you marry me?

1147. You have to get divorced first, Fran.

1148. Well, yeah.

1149. Sure, but, well, this will be like a pre-divorce,

1150. pre-engagement engagement ring.

1151. Open it.

1152. Fran. You didn't have to do this.

1153. Come here, you poor little thing.

1154. So?

1155. Why are you doing this?

1156. Because I love you.

1157. Can I have some time to think about it?

1158. Yeah.

1159. I'm not going anywhere.

1160. You know, Mick, I gotta side with Hope on this one.

1161. You had no reason to be pissed at Franny. Are you kidding me, Dad?

1162. Hey, don't think for a second I can't still knock you on your ass, okay?

1163. Sorry, but, I mean, you know what Fran was up to.

1164. My entire life he's been pulling crap like this with me.

1165. Let me tell you something. You're no different.

1166. You wouldn't have been standing out in the backyard with the gloves on if you were.

1167. And if you don't believe me, let me refresh your memory.

1168. Little League. You're 12, he's 11.

1169. He's pitching, you're at bat.

1170. He's got a full count on his big brother, his idol.

1171. If he strikes you out, he's the hero.

1172. What does he do?

1173. He throws you a meatball right down the middle.

1174. If you take it and go down looking, you make Franny the hero.

1175. But you swing away.

1176. Hey.

1177. So, how we doing?

1178. You tell me.

1179. Well, you know, I want to apologize for the other night.

1180. I think this whole thing is crazy and stupid, but it's like—

1181. You know, I'm- I'm a little confused.

1182. So, how's your friend Heather?

1183. I wouldn't know.

1184. Well, look, Mick, I've been doing some thinking,

1185. and, uh, who were we kidding?

1186. We only knew one another for a few hours.

1187. There's no way that was gonna work, right?

1188. I mean, I don't know if I'd say that.

1189. It's just, you know, when you brought up the whole Paris thing,

1190. it kind of threw me, you know?

1191. I don't know. You're using that as an excuse.

1192. We both know what's really going on here.

1193. I'm leaving for Paris on Monday,

1194. and I think it's best if I go alone.

1195. I mean, you sure about that?

1196. No, but I've made up my mind.

1197. What did he say? Not much.

1198. Did he fight for you? No.

1199. Not really. Oh.

1200. What are you gonna do about Paris? You gonna go alone?

1201. Yeah.

1202. Hey, Fran. Hey, Mick.

1203. What are you doin' here?

1204. What? I can't come by to see my little brother?

1205. So? So, what happened, huh?

1206. Out of the thousands of women in Manhattan, you just happened to fall in love with Heather?

1207. Mick, that's not how it happened.

1208. We both work on Wall— We run in similar circles.

1209. Oh, Jesus. Give me a break, Fran.

1210. Do you think I'm a moron? I'm your brother, man. What were you thinking?

1211. You just had to go after her, right? It wasn't like that, Mick!

1212. What is your problem anyway? You still in love with this woman?

1213. Is that why this bothers you? No, it has nothing to do with that, okay?

1214. We're not in competition anymore, Fran.

1215. Look at your life, man. You won already. All right?

1216. You got the big apartment, you got the nicer clothes.

1217. You're Mr. Big- Swinging-Dick-Around-Town. What more do you want?

1218. Maybe he just wants to be happy.

1219. Oh, to be happy. Really? Oh, that's— that's great.

1220. Who am I to get in the way of this— What was it?

1221. Happiness?

1222. Franny obviously hasn't told you yet.

1223. Told me what?

1224. Well, your brother's asked me to marry him.

1225. Great. Great. That's terrific.

1226. Hey, congratulations.

1227. Thank you.

1228. Hey, are you out of your fuckin' mind?

1229. Don't start with me, Mick. I love her.

1230. No, you don't, okay? You don't love her because she's unlovable.

1231. Oh, so you didn't love her, now?

1232. Yeah, I did, but that was a long time ago,

1233. and I was a stupid jerk-off who thought he could change her.

1234. I don't wanna change her. That's 'cause you don't know her, Fran.

1235. Oh. Oh, I don't know her. Okay.

1236. Franny, listen to me, all right? I mean—

1237. I didn't want to have to tell you this, but if you're gonna marry this girl,

1238. there's a lot about her you should know.

1239. Drop it right here because there's nothing you can say...

1240. that's gonna change the way I feel about her, okay, Mick?

1241. Listen, Franny, don't be so sure about that, all right?

1242. When she was, um- When she was in college, she, uh-

1243. You know, she paid her way through school by, you know—

1244. She was a— She was a call girl.

1245. What do you mean, "a call girl"?

1246. I mean, you call a service, they send her over, she does her thing.

1247. Whoa. Whoa. What are you saying? Like a hooker?

1248. No. No, not like a hooker. She was a hooker.

1249. You are so sick, Mick. You would stoop to this level.

1250. Franny, come on. You think I'd make something like this up?

1251. Get the fuck out of here! Because the only reason you're saying this...

1252. is 'cause you don't want me and Heather to be together!

1253. No. I'm saying this because I'm your brother.

1254. I don't want you to find out after you're married.

1255. I'm sorry, man, but it's true.

1256. She's a hooker?

1257. I knew she was seeing some other guy, but... what the fuck?

1258. Mickey, I can't marry a hooker.

1259. Hey, come on, Franny. It's not that big a deal.

1260. It's not like she's a hooker anymore. Not that big a deal?

1261. Mickey, you're my brother.

1262. How could you keep this from me?

1263. I-I-I got to— I got to get some air.

1264. Listen, tell her— t-tell her I—

1265. Fuck. I don't care what you tell her.

1266. Where's Franny? He, um—

1267. You know, he's not feeling so good all of a sudden. He went out to get some air.

1268. You told him?

1269. Yeah, well, he is my brother, right?

1270. But you always said you didn't have a problem with that.

1271. I still don't, but, you know,

1272. if he's gonna marry you, I think he's got a right to know, right?

1273. Yeah, well, we'll see what he's really made of, I guess, huh?

1274. What the hell you talking about, Father?

1275. She left this morning, said she was going up there.

1276. I just came from the church. She isn't up there now.

1277. In fact, I haven't seen her at mass for six months.

1278. Hey, John, better start mixing a little more water with that wine.

1279. She goes to the 8:00 mass every morning.

1280. She's up there praying for the boys.

1281. Not in my church, she doesn't.

1282. Lucky I didn't kill that little shit!

1283. So, what's with Dad? He's half in the bag. He's acting crazy.

1284. So, what happened today? Mom left him this morning.

1285. She'd been going up to Deluca's hardware store every day and-

1286. Oh, I can't even stomach it.

1287. Screwing around with Mr. Deluca.

1288. Oh, my God. Mom and Deluca? Asshole!

1289. That's disgusting.

1290. Dad goes up there today- They're in a back room.

1291. You should have seen it. It was ugly.

1292. Dad gave the guy a horrible beating.

1293. Christ. What about Mom? I mean, where'd she go?

1294. She went up to church to pray for Dad.

1295. Pray for me, my ass! She's the one who's gonna need prayers now!

1296. Man.

1297. Tommy, do I look as good as I think I do?

1298. Very handsome, Mr. Fitzpatrick.

1299. - How's the hair, babe? - Um, still there, sir.

1300. It's gonna be a good day, Tom. Good day indeed, my man.

1301. First day of the rest of my life.

1302. Making some changes, babe.

1303. Heather, what— what's going on here? I'm leaving.

1304. No, forget that. You can't leave.

1305. Listen, I'm in love with you. I still want to marry you.

1306. I'm sorry, Francis. Here's your ring.

1307. I can't marry you.

1308. Why not?

1309. Because Papa and I were married this morning.

1310. What the— One day you say you're gonna marry me,

1311. the next you're running off to marry the old man.

1312. He loves me. Of course he loves you!

1313. You're a beautiful young woman. He's got one foot in the grave!

1314. This is not because he makes more money than I do. No.

1315. Don't tell me this has anything to do with the sex.

1316. Certainly didn't help matters much.

1317. And you know what, Franny? He didn't care about my past.

1318. Oh, he doesn't care about your past.

1319. Well, maybe that's due to the fact he doesn't know you were a hooker.

1320. He was my best customer.

1321. Thanks for the memories. You've ruined my life!

1322. Hello? Renee?

1323. Hello, Francis. What can I do for you?

1324. Listen, this is very hard for me to say,

1325. but I- I feel—

1326. Listen, I know I made a mistake.

1327. I know I've been selfish and thoughtless and self-concerned,

1328. but I'm gonna change.

1329. I want the chance to do the right thing.

1330. I want you to come home. I miss you.

1331. I'm gonna pay more attention to you.

1332. I want the chance to make it work again.

1333. Will you come home?

1334. I mean, come on, Francis.

1335. What do you want from me here, huh? I don't think so.

1336. You know, a day late and a dollar short. You know what I mean?

1337. You know, and quite honestly, uh,

1338. I don't think I could survive another one of your down cycles.

1339. Hey, Carol. What's doin'? Hi. What are you doing here?

1340. I'm, uh, looking for Hope.

1341. She here? No. Mm-mmm. She's not.

1342. You know maybe where she might be?

1343. 'Cause, uh, I want to talk to her, you know, before she goes.

1344. Look, Mick, you fucked up, all right? You're a jerk.

1345. You broke her heart just like I told her you would.

1346. Why don't you just get out of here?

1347. All right. Um, do me a favor, okay?

1348. I mean, tell her that I, uh— tell her that I came by...

1349. and, you know, that I want to see her before she goes.

1350. Okay?

1351. And tell her that I, uh— tell her that I miss her.

1352. Mick was just here.

1353. Well, what did he want?

1354. I still say he's a prick, okay?

1355. But... he did sound upset...

1356. and he did say that he missed you.

1357. And he said he wants to see you before you go.

1358. So maybe you should go by and see him or something.

1359. Tortilla Flats.

1360. Uh, hold on a second.

1361. It's Mick's dad.

1362. Hello?

1363. I blew it. I blew it, man.

1364. I had the greatest woman in the world, and I blew it.

1365. Hey, you don't know from blowing it, pal.

1366. I had the perfect wife.

1367. I screwed it up.

1368. No, you didn't, man.

1369. I had the perfect wife.

1370. But you're right. You did screw it up for me, so thanks.

1371. I owe you one.

1372. You know what, Mick?

1373. If you really think about it,

1374. all this is, uh, entirely your fault.

1375. Oh, really? How do you, uh— How do you figure that?

1376. Well, if you never, uh, met and got involved with Heather,

1377. where would we be now?

1378. It's an interesting theory.

1379. I hope you didn't hurt yourself coming up with that one, all-star.

1380. I just— I mean, I still can't believe that you wanted to marry her.

1381. I mean, you really— you are a— a confused and demented soul.

1382. It's— It's very upsetting to me, you know, as your brother.

1383. Oh, me? Confused?

1384. Hey, listen, pal, I'm not the fool who's gonna let his new bride...

1385. go enjoy a wonderful honeymoon in Paris without him.

1386. What, do you think I don't want to go?

1387. You know, she said she didn't want me there, so...

1388. what am I supposed to do?

1389. Well, you want to get married without a best man?

1390. Pay the price, pal.

1391. By the way,

1392. remember, it's six hours ahead over there.

1393. Sorry.

1394. Yeah.

1395. Why don't we give this to the bartender, huh?

1396. It's gonna get nippy out there, boys.

1397. And this is probably gonna be our last fishing trip of the season.

1398. Franny, sit down a minute, will you? I wanna talk to you kids.

1399. You know,

1400. seeing as we're all sitting here...

1401. crying in our beers while our women are out living their lives, I—

1402. I got to thinkin' that maybe I got to apologize to you guys...

1403. for all the rotten advice I've been giving you.

1404. Come on, Dad. Don't be so hard on yourself.

1405. - You don't have to apologize to us. - Yeah, I do.

1406. I did it for both of you though. But look at you.

1407. You're a fuckin' mess, and I'm partly responsible.

1408. I don't even know what to tell you.

1409. First time in my life, I'm at a loss for words.

1410. What do you think's gonna happen between you and Mom now?

1411. I don't know.

1412. We had a down cycle. We just couldn't get out of it.

1413. I told you. It happens.

1414. Hey!

1415. Enough of this horseshit. Come on. We gonna go fishing or what?

1416. You know, this isn't gonna be so bad, boys.

1417. Long as we got each other, we'll do fine.

1418. Deirdre, are you coming?

1419. - I-I don't think I'm gonna make it today, Dad. - Why the hell not?

1420. Because Hope's going to Paris tomorrow,

1421. and I'm— I'm gonna go with her.

1422. All right. Well, can't make it fishing, maybe you can help us load up the gear.

1423. Hey.

1424. Hi.

1425. What are you, uh— What are you doing here?

1426. I don't know, really. Your dad called to invite me fishin'.

1427. Yeah? What about, uh— What about Paris?

1428. What about Paris?

1429. You, uh— You still think you want to go alone?

1430. Mick, come on.

1431. I didn't come to Brooklyn this morning to go fishing with your father.

1432. You see, Hope? All these years he's been ignoring my advice.

1433. Now he's finally wising up.

1434. Come on, Mickey, get your ass in the boat!

1435. Give me a hand.

1436. Hey, Mr. Fitz. Don't you think I should drive?

1437. I think maybe we should take this one step at a time, honey.

1438. English - US - PSDH