She's the He! (2026)

1. Hey, um...

2. I think we need some space in this relationship.

3. I, I love our thing, but

4. I need girls to know I'm available for sex,

5. and I think it looks too much for dating.

6. We can totally stay friends, but...

7. I think we need some time apart.

8. Alex, fuck off!

9. Who? Who thinks we're gay?

10. Dude, everyone.

11. Literally every person at school

12. thinks we fuck. Even Tristan.

13. And nobody fucking talks that kid.

14. - You're exaggerating. - I'm not exaggerating.

15. Remember when the vice principal

16. made us rearrange her room

17. Because “you boys have an eye for design design”?

18. Well, you do?

19. Last year, that gay senator got elected,

20. and everybody congratulated us.

21. That was a nice thing that happened

22. We just got added to the Gay straight Alliance

23. because they were short on gays.

24. What more evidence do you need?

25. Well, at least they don't know you're a virgin.

26. That's not even true. I'm not a virgin.

27. - Lucid dreams don't count. - Yes, they do.

28. - Wait mom. Not too much. - No, I'm just taking off

29. - ... the ends honey. - Okay.

30. Three... two...

31. No, bro, Mary

32. Take this all off.

33. He's really starting to look like a girl.

34. - No! - What?

35. I'm just saying, when they did

36. your circumcision, I think they sneezed and,

37. - you know, took it all off - I hate you.

38. Alex, you know he's not circumcised.

39. - You've seen his penis. - Mom!

40. - Lips closed! - College girls...

41. They're gonna love it.

42. I remember

43. I went crazy for grunge guys back in the 90s.

44. And you just forgot which bassist is Ethan's dad?

45. Really, Alex, that's the way we're going to go?

46. Your dad tried to sleep with me, so

47. I said no, because I don't like blue collar.

48. Well, lucky for you, I'm CEO bound

49. so get in on the ground floor, baby.

50. Stop! Stop flirting with mom.

51. Don't worry, baby, I don't want a husband.

52. - I've already got a son. - Whatever.

53. I don't need this.

54. My dick belongs to another anyway.

55. No lip gloss!

56. No, I said lips closed.

57. Fuck!

58. We suggest you decorate your graduation caps with

59. any fun designs that are relevant to you.

60. For instance,

61. Ethan and Alex, you might do rainbows or something like,

62. Bert and Ernie doing poppers

63. together, you know, something that feels organic.

64. Ethan, I am a pussitarian and this shit is

65. giving me an eating disorder.

66. Alex, you've never kissed a woman on the mouth

67. or the pussy in your life

68. Shut the fuck up! Don't tell anybody that,

69. this is serious.

70. If it were me, you know, I might do my

71. Wellbutrin prescription, and my cat and

72. you know my ex-wife, who I,

73. deeply respect as a friend.

74. You could have just joined theater at any point

75. and talked to her.

76. Yeah, like that was going to make me seem less gay.

77. I might as well walk around with a dick in my mouth

78. like “To be or not to be”.

79. What am I supposed to say?

80. Oh, hey, Sasha.

81. I used should think dick was yummy yummy.

82. But now that I know your pussy's on the menu...

83. Your sexuality is literally allowed to change.

84. You know that right?

85. Not at this school! Davis fucked that for all of us.

86. What does that mean?

87. Last year? Remember he lied about being gay

88. until he got really close with all of Sasha's girls?

89. Play the game Davis!

90. And at the end of the year sleepover he fucked

91. Jude Lee!

92. That's why they hate him.

93. Hey now...

94. Forest, you can't hit the gay kids

95. I am gay, Doug.

96. Well, you're sports gay.

97. Okay, there's a difference.

98. Well, then why don't you just go talk to Sasha?

99. It's literally the last week of school.

100. - What do you have to lose? - Right in the lip ring!

101. She thinks I'm gay. I can't go backwards.

102. We just talked about this.

103. She'll never believe I'm instantly

104. changing my sexuality.

105. I promise you that the moment you open

106. your mouth, she'll realize that you're heterosexual.

107. Well, you want me to lose.

108. So that's homophobic isn't it?

109. - Fuck off Davis! - Gladly!

110. Hey, this might be inappropriate, but

111. you guys know where I can get some Molly around here?

112. Oh, fuck.

113. - Fuck Jacob! - Jacob! God damn it!

114. What did I say about them homosexuals?

115. See, even when I try to talk to girls

116. I'm taking balls to the face.

117. This is why I think we can't live together next year.

118. What?

119. If people think we're gay now

120. Imagine when we're living in the same room.

121. Oh, God, we're going to be in bunk beds—

122. Alex, shut up.

123. When did this become about college?

124. You don't understand.

125. If I don't start hitting pussy

126. on my dad's timeline, my future is fucked.

127. Do you really want to work

128. at your dad's construction company?

129. No. I'm going to own my dad's construction company.

130. But apparently

131. Virgins can't own construction companies.

132. I mean, he's not wrong.

133. - Okay, whatever. - Alex, are you...

134. Are you being for real right now?

135. I love you,

136. you're my best friend.

137. And I know there's a world where I'm getting hot girls

138. and you're in my life.

139. You just need to change who you are on a

140. fundamental level.

141. Alex!

142. Wait, what?

143. You just need to change who you are on a

144. - fundamental level. - You're gay!

145. I'm coming dad!

146. Wait, Alex.

147. That's not how you end a conversation.

148. - Hey mom? - Hmm?

149. Would it be like, a big problem

150. if I was gay?

151. I'm sorry.

152. Are we doing coming out?

153. Is that what's happening?

154. No. But I don't really...

155. It's just like,

156. if everyone else thinks that I'm gay, then am I not,

157. like, clocking something or?

158. Do you feel gay?

159. - Mom, stop. - I- No, I mean

160. I mean, I'm sorry.

161. Obviously no.

162. Is it

163. Wait is this about Alex?

164. Oh fuck, no.

165. I mean, even if I was gay, it would not be for him.

166. I don't know, he's kind of handsome.

167. Mom. First of all, ew. But no.

168. Look, Ethan, I think you are an exceptional guy.

169. And how other people see you

170. That's not who you are.

171. You decide who you are.

172. The homosexual it is true at times does adopt

173. The clothing

174. or the makeup of a woman,

175. to lure members of his own sex

176. But this is not so for the transv-

177. Hey.

178. Fuck what?

179. Nothing, I just

180. I wanna stay friends still.

181. Can we do this later?

182. I'm trying to get fucking ripped right now.

183. I just, I was thinking last night. Okay?

184. And the only way that I could think, to make

185. you seem not super gay is if I was a girl.

186. But...

187. Dude what are you talking about?

188. Think about it.

189. If everyone thinks you're dating. Right?

190. And I was suddenly a girl, then that would technically

191. make you straight.

192. But I would still be fucking you.

193. Which would be fucking a butt.

194. Well you'd heterosexually be fucking a butt.

195. That's not the problem.

196. - The problem is that- - You would be trans!

197. Exactly.

198. And that's not something I can just like lie about.

199. But maybe we can lie about it.

200. No.

201. I was just saying that I can't Alex.

202. That's like really fucked up.

203. Not you. Both of us. We both pretend to be trans.

204. Think about it. This will fix all of our problems.

205. We're basically already pretending to be gay.

206. So why don't we just level up and take it one step further?

207. You're a genius.

208. I can't tell if you're being serious

209. - You being serious right now? - No you're a genius.

210. This is your best idea yet.

211. - No. - Come on.

212. - No no no no Alex. - You're a genius.

213. Alex! Alex stop! This is a bad idea.

214. Psyche!

215. Alex!

216. Hey!

217. Hey!

218. Stop!

219. Would you relax?

220. It's going to be fine. Think about it.

221. They can't do shit to us without being transphobic.

222. This plan is bulletproof, okay?

223. This is a direct path to Sasha's heart.

224. Pussy.

225. And her tits,

226. which are the pussies of the chest. Put that on.

227. Alex.

228. Ethan! Oh, fuck. You need a new name.

229. I don't think you can be a girl named Ethan.

230. Blake Lively's name is Blake.

231. Yeah, but Ryan Reynolds isn't going.

232. Oh, yeah.

233. Blake, that pussy is mine. Blake. What?

234. What do you think he's going. Oh, yeah Blake Lively.

235. That pussy is mine. Blake Lively.

236. I don't know if I was fucking her.

237. I think I would call her Blake Lively.

238. I don't care, Alex.

239. My mom cannot find out about what

240. Whatever this is.

241. She was literally transphobic last night to my face.

242. Okay, whose parents aren't fucking transphobic. It's fine.

243. We'll just tell the girls my parents are Catholic.

244. If they find out, my dad will fucking crucify us like

245. girl dicks in the wind.

246. No no no no, I'm sorry.

247. Bye!

248. Don't leave me! Fuck.

249. - They're coming. - What?

250. - They're coming! - Who?

251. - The girls! - All of them?

252. - Yes! - Fuck!

253. What did you think would happen?

254. I dunno, in my head

255. it was just Sasha.

256. - Why? - She's all I think about!

257. No! Come here.

258. I don't want the girls to see me change.

259. I don't want them to know I have a tiny dick.

260. Then what was your plan here

261. Because that seems obviously built

262. into all of this.

263. You know, I'm still growing. 3 inches out of both heads.

264. Oh my God.

265. Ow!

266. - Ladies first. - I hate you.

267. I was talking about myself

268. Please ya'll help me!

269. Bro. Bro what the fuck?

270. Oh, my God, how many tampons did you lose up there?

271. - Oh, at least two, maybe? - Forest!

272. No. Wash your hands, please.

273. Bro, vaginas are self-cleaning. I can just reach up in there.

274. No. You can't.

275. That's how yeast infections happen. You should know this.

276. Where are y'all going?

277. We're sanitizing our hands, Victoria. We don't want to

278. reach inside you with shit on our fingers.

279. Okay.

280. Well, guys...

281. Ya'll, everyone just stop okay?

282. Just let Sasha and Forest do it.

283. I feel like there's too many cooks in my kitchen.

284. I don't wanna get like

285. toxic shock. Y'all hurry!

286. Oh my God.

287. Oh, babe,

288. I think you're really gonna have to reach up inside me.

289. I need to dry my hands.

290. Just grab a towel from the shower.

291. Uh, hello...

292. Fellow women.

293. Pussy.

294. - Those whores? - Those whores are

295. starting rumors about us

296. This is so exciting for me.

297. Welcome, come on, come on.

298. Don't be shy.

299. Oh, Sorry.

300. What are your names?

301. Oh, I'm Alex, this is Ethan.

302. Okay, Alexa and Ethanette.

303. Just Alex is good.

304. Don't interrupt me.

305. So here's the deal.

306. Being a woman isn't all fun and games

307. and shaking ass and self-care,

308. especially if you're trans.

309. Okay, so if you're gonna do this correctly,

310. you need to pass like real girls.

311. Like this situation

312. going on I don't want to be a bitch.

313. But you're built like a cardboard box

314. and this Little Mermaid getup is not doing you any favors.

315. I can take it off.

316. Oh, no.

317. Honestly, you should probably wear a hoodie.

318. Forest is probably your size.

319. You can borrow one from them.

320. - Sup, player? - Not much, bro.

321. Like you guys go.

322. Come on. Okay.

323. Weird girls are the last venture

324. of pussy we gotta hit before graduation.

325. And that shit might be crazy.

326. It might have dyed hair.

327. I don't know, dude. My sister says they

328. peg guys like me.

329. So you're a transgender woman?

330. Yeah, both of us gals.

331. You're doing much better than her.

332. - Who? - Alexa.

333. Oh.

334. Don't tell her I said that.

335. Okay.

336. Okay,

337. so what kind of makeup look do you want?

338. Respectfully, I don't think I'm much of a makeup girl.

339. Every girl's a makeup girl.

340. Girls wear makeup and hate their legs.

341. And boys for baseball hats and don't wash their ass.

342. That's how it works.

343. Fuck off Jacob!

344. Look at these faggots!

345. Fantastic views.

346. We have a gender reveal.

347. - Fuck. - Fuck.

348. So, what are your new names?

349. Just Ethan is fine.

350. I'm actually keeping Alex, too. It's.

351. It's pretty gender fluid. Anyway.

352. You want some of my gender fluid?

353. Oh, he talking about bussin'!

354. Jacob!

355. Oh, and what are your pronouns?

356. We'll. We'll make an intercom

357. announcement so no one messes up.

358. She/her, he/him,

359. They/them

360. It/its

361. What are you doing? You can't be in here!

362. You can't be in here.

363. Come on.

364. I need to finish your makeup.

365. No thank you.

366. If you don't let me do this,

367. it's like you're taking something from me.

368. And that's not very “girls supporting girls”

369. Oh.

370. Do you pee sitting down or standing up?

371. I don't think you're allowed to ask that.

372. Really.

373. What's that?

374. Oh, those are for the boys.

375. They wear them every show to hold their

376. mic pack.

377. We're not saying here. The stage is Forest's deal.

378. I'm the costume room.

379. Ta-da!

380. Did you pick that out yourself?

381. Oh, no.

382. Alex just kind of threw it at me, so.

383. I want you to try something on

384. Take that bra off.

385. Sasha?

386. Hello?

387. Jesus!

388. Sorry.

389. I didn't think anyone was in here.

390. Dude, is that a potato gun?

391. Yeah.

392. Miss Beacher's having me build it for graduation.

393. She wants confetti to, like, go everywhere

394. Dude how did you get this thing to shoot?

395. Bro.

396. - Duh. Safety first. - Please.

397. Okay, damn.

398. I'm sorry. I'm so excited.

399. I haven't seen one of these in ages.

400. I tried to build one

401. when I was a kid, but I always have, like,

402. you know, turn valve thing.

403. And then every time I shot it, it would go, “eeeek”.

404. Oh, yeah?

405. Okay.

406. Well, you know, the secret to it

407. is an electric shut off valve.

408. - Dude! - For sprinklers.

409. Yeah.

410. So I just wired that to the button so it auto opens.

411. Dude, how do you know how to do electrical?

412. Well, I have to make the lights work for the shows.

413. That's that's so sick.

414. I've always wanted to know how to do this kind of stuff.

415. My dad has, like, a construction thing, but

416. he won't teach me because I'm too short

417. and I don't have a girlfriend and my dick's small.

418. It's fine though. I'm a man.

419. He's a bitch.

420. - Whatever. - You're a man?

421. - Thought you were a girl now. - Yeah.

422. That's. Fuck. He is not gonna-

423. That's going to be a tough me.

424. Want me to show you how I did it?

425. For real?

426. For real.

427. Dude.

428. Did you make this yourself?

429. Yes. Sit.

430. Please.

431. My, uh...

432. Top pick schools didn't really see my talent. So...

433. I'm just going to do the costume program

434. at the City College

435. until I make enough money to move to New York.

436. And then I'm going to corner a director

437. and sing at them and be cast in Wicked immediately.

438. That was kind of good.

439. That was going too good!

440. Okay.

441. - Oh my God. - What?

442. Your eyes are stunning.

443. I don't know why you hide

444. under all this hair.

445. Close your eyes.

446. Okay.

447. This will all be over soon.

448. No, no.

449. It's fine.

450. Question for you.

451. Yeah?

452. Are you really trans?

453. Aren't you not supposed to ask that?

454. Please. I'm part of this gay shit.

455. Okay, well, if you're, like, non-binary or whatever,

456. why are you always hanging out with the girls?

457. Because you've seen how the guys act.

458. Yeah, but not all boys are like Jacob.

459. You know?

460. No, actually, I thought Ethan was pretty cool,

461. but turns out she's not a boy.

462. Okay, well, what about me?

463. You're cooler than I thought, but once again,

464. not a boy.

465. Okay, well, now that I'm a

466. girl, can you, like, start inviting me to girl shit?

467. What is this girl shit you're imagining, bro?

468. We're not just like, sitting around

469. fingering each other all the time.

470. You should be!

471. But, like, don't you just, like, hang out too?

472. Adjustable wrench.

473. No, bro, this is a socket wrench.

474. Okay?

475. - Stupid, stupid. Fuck. - Hey.

476. How about you go grab the fake fruit,

477. and then you can shoot this when I finish up.

478. - For real? - For real.

479. Shoot. Sorry. Okay. Got it.

480. It's under the football pads and baseball bats.

481. We did “Damn Yankees”.

482. You know, baseball players don't wear

483. like, football pads, right?

484. Actors don't know that.

485. Sasha's actually having a grad party tonight.

486. You can come if you want.

487. Don't get too excited, though.

488. I'm only inviting you because I want Ethan there.

489. Totally, yeah.

490. I'll, um...

491. I gotta check our schedules.

492. Busy night and everything,

493. but, we'll probably swing by no problem.

494. I feel like that's maybe a little much.

495. Being a pretty girl is always too much.

496. That's why it makes men so mad,

497. Thank God I'm not pretty.

498. So the men will love me.

499. Bitch! Shut the fuck up.

500. Yes you are.

501. All women are beautiful.

502. - Even the ran through ones. - No, I meant that

503. I'm not like a like a “girl” girl.

504. That's transphobic.

505. Okay.

506. Take a look.

507. See, I'm actually a genius.

508. Shit.

509. I have to go to P.E. Here!

510. Let me help you out of this.

511. Okay.

512. What's up?

513. - What's that face? - Nothing.

514. You're looking at me like “eh”.

515. not looking at you, like, “eh”. I'm not thinking

516. about you. I'm thinking about me.

517. Hey, mom?

518. Do you think I look like you?

519. See, I knew it.

520. You are embarrassed of me.

521. I'm not embarrassed, I just.

522. What are you asking?

523. Are you going to be ugly like me?

524. Mom, you're literally not ugly.

525. Whatever. I'm not complaining.

526. I just- I'm just reassuring you that

527. no, you are not going to grow up to look like me.

528. And you're not going to grow up to be like me either.

529. Thank God.

530. I don't know.

531. I think you're doing just fine.

532. I mean,

533. yeah, I think I did pretty good with you.

534. You got your dad's good looks

535. and you're a good person.

536. You get it.

537. You see me, you see women, you get how shitty and awful

538. it is. You're going to be one of the good guys.

539. I mean, thank God.

540. I need to have a good man around the house, okay?

541. And I'll make dinner.

542. And then, I don't know, maybe we could watch something.

543. We could watch that

544. stupid show with weird guys that make the weird things.

545. Yep.

546. Yeah.

547. Okay.

548. Well.

549. - I'm sorry. - Don't be.

550. Yeah.

551. Damn!

552. Your mom used to be hot?

553. God, you scared the shit out of me.

554. What are you doing in my mom's room?

555. I have incredible news.

556. Okay, tell me over dinner. My mom's cooking.

557. No, no, no, no, we don't have time.

558. Also, don't tell her what we're doing.

559. What are we doing?

560. Okay, what do you think of a pussy eating human centipede?

561. A pussipede if you will.

562. I think pinkeye

563. Eye drops. Good call.

564. What?

565. What are you talking about?

566. Sasha's having a party tonight.

567. And guess who got us invited?

568. Oh.

569. No no no no no no no, you're not skipping this

570. to go hang out with your mom.

571. No no no. I just...

572. She's already cooking.

573. And I promised her that we'd watch our show.

574. So, you know, you can go.

575. That is some Norman Bates ass shit.

576. Dude, we're leaving for college soon.

577. You got to separate from this woman sometimes.

578. I know, I know, but I just.

579. I think she's in a weird place, and, like,

580. maybe she, like, needs someone tonight.

581. Okay, well, that someone could be a date.

582. We have a party to go to, and honestly,

583. if she needs dick that bad, I got a little time.

584. Stop. Time out.

585. Help me.

586. Help me take out the garbage.

587. Alright.

588. Bro, how big you think your mom's tits are?

589. I hate this bit. Stop!

590. Respectfully, respectfully.

591. I'm just wondering if I can wear her

592. lingerie to the party tonight.

593. I'm trying to look sexy.

594. Alex, can we just not go?

595. What? No, no, no, we have to go.

596. Please, dude. For me? For me.

597. Okay?

598. I just need to go to this party tonight

599. so I can talk to Sasha,

600. and I can show her how awesome and straight

601. I am. And she'll obviously fall in love with me.

602. And then next next year,

603. everybody in college is going to think

604. that I'm the guy with the hot girlfriend.

605. And you can still be my roommate.

606. Okay?

607. And nobody will think that I'm gay literally ever again.

608. It's perfect.

609. And you get to be the wingman of the century!

610. Wing-woman. Technically.

611. Come on, just put on a dress for a couple hours.

612. Nobody's going to even know.

613. It's gonna be fun, I think. Okay.

614. And then since I'm making out with Sasha,

615. you can come home, watch your stupid

616. show with your sexy mom.

617. - I guess. - Yes! That's a yes.

618. That's a yes!

619. Fuck. We need clothes.

620. Did you invite Victoria?

621. Regretfully.

622. Bro, I hate that bitch.

623. She just fucking...

624. I swear. She just, like, showed up one day.

625. She just, like, spawned in.

626. Do you think Alex and Ethan are for real?

627. Ethan's definitely a girl.

628. You should see how much she hates herself.

629. Why?

630. I dunno, like, the whole Davis thing.

631. Oh, yeah.

632. I really thought he was gay.

633. When we did Romeo and Juliet together

634. He was totally staring at Tristen's dick print.

635. Give me that.

636. Right.

637. Yo, it's freaky in here.

638. Would you calm down? Nobody's in here.

639. What about her?

640. I'll kill her. Come on.

641. Somebody died

642. and it's our lucky day.

643. What kind of girl do you want to be?

644. You could be a country girl.

645. You could be a cabaret star.

646. Ethel. Bertha, Any of these old bags.

647. Oh, Canadian tuxedo.

648. Oh, it's kind of slutty, don't you think?

649. Yeah, but what girl doesn't want to be a slut?

650. I look like my aunt that makes cheap jewelry in Tucson.

651. And you look like you'd wear it.

652. I look like I'd fucking break up a marriage.

653. Why the socks?

654. I don't wanna be an A cup.

655. That's the worst thing you could be.

656. Fuck. I'm lopsided.

657. Does that happen to girls?

658. I don't know, okay?

659. You just.

660. Va va voom.

661. Alex, Alex I don't think

662. I know my husband paid for

663. your abortion! We were sisters!

664. Do you want a wig?

665. What are you like, Gay Easter Bunny?

666. What are you doing?

667. I'm being sexy.

668. If I'm Gay Easter Bunny you're fuckin'

669. marching band, Elton John.

670. Elton John's kinda cool.

671. Help! My baby!

672. It has a full head of hair.

673. Can we be done?

674. More looks, more looks!

675. Oh, fuck. Are you okay?

676. Yeah.

677. Then more looks!

678. Can you see my balls?

679. But Mama,

680. I don't want to go west.

681. You'll be shitting dysentery

682. If I have anything to say about it,

683. - we're both going west! - But Mama!

684. Mooooo!

685. That's not the sound that unicorns make.

686. Okay?

687. What do they make? Like G-A-A-A-A-A-Y!

688. Am I tucked in?

689. Is that the phrase?

690. What?

691. You look good.

692. You know, I like them, you know, kind of freaky

693. and mentally disturbed.

694. - Do they feel real? - Should I...?

695. I mean, have you ever felt a boob before?

696. No Alex. And neither have you.

697. Like this?

698. Bro, you gotta have it in you.

699. I don't know,

700. Side! Forward! Side! Forward!

701. - Come on. - Oh, okay.

702. Now throw your ass into it.

703. What do you say when you're trying to, like,

704. objectify a woman's mental health?

705. Nothing. You don't say anything.

706. Sorry. I love all women

707. Shit, I look good.

708. I look like I'm about to coach a girls

709. basketball team to a state championship.

710. Rebound ladies!

711. Actually, you know what

712. I look like Dolly.

713. Dude.

714. Come on.

715. Hey, I knew it was you two bitches in there.

716. Mother. Fuck!

717. Davis, what the fuck are you doing here?

718. I don't know, getting my pussy waxed.

719. What are you girls doing here?

720. We're going to Sasha's. Running from Jacob.

721. - You wanna drive us? - Please.

722. - Yeah, fine. Get in. - Yes! Shotgun!

723. Be careful.

724. - Get in the car! - What are you-?

725. It was open! Sorry!

726. - Oh my God. - Sorry. Sorry.

727. - Ready? - Yeah.

728. - Do you have AC? - Shut up!

729. Josh, you're not listening to me.

730. No no no no no. Listen to me!

731. This party?

732. There's no boys here, okay?

733. There's trans girls here and there's girls.

734. You come here. I'm gonna fucking spit on you.

735. I'm gonna spit on you.

736. And I'm gonna smack you.

737. And not in the way you like you dirty bitch.

738. Okay?

739. I won't touch your dick for so fucking long if you show up.

740. I'm not even fucking kidding you.

741. Okay, Ethan.

742. It's all looking very hot.

743. And Alex is, a...

744. completely different story.

745. - I love myself. - That's totally valid.

746. It's just you can maybe love yourself

747. in a more aesthetically pleasing way

748. Whatever. Leather's for the gays, isn't it?

749. - Oh, my God, - What? I'm learning.

750. Okay, it's my community now.

751. I'm diving in.

752. Just shut up, please.

753. I mean, you're definitely not a leather queer.

754. What do you know? You're straight anyway.

755. Oh my God, no I'm not.

756. Yeah, well, what about that girl?

757. Jude Lee?

758. He's trans.

759. What?

760. Yeah, alright?

761. He came out a month into college.

762. He just didn't wanna tell the girls. So I kept his secret.

763. You let the girls hate you just to keep a secret?

764. Yeah.

765. I mean, they're only allies when it's convenient for them.

766. And I'm not going to surround myself

767. or be friends with people that are

768. constantly questioning my sexuality.

769. Yeah.

770. Anyway,

771. be careful tonight.

772. Stick together.

773. Do not trust anyone except each other.

774. You got it.

775. Okay, now get out of my car, because I have to go black out

776. with my dads and watch Funny Girl.

777. Alex, please be careful with those big fucking feet.

778. I'm trying! I'm stuck on the fringe!

779. - You gotta twist! No I know. - I'm stuck on the fringe!

780. Alex? Alex. Alex!

781. - Can you stop for a sec? - What?

782. - Let's go. Come on. - Just, pause.

783. Can we do a serious really fast?

784. I want to do a serious okay? There's seriously,

785. hot girls in there.

786. I need to do a serious.

787. I'm sorry. Fuck your serious.

788. I seriously need to get this dick sucked.

789. Welcome to womanhood, sluts.

790. And now the five merry mistresses of the

791. Rider High Barebacks in

792. First Girls Night!

793. Oh my fuck!

794. Is this is straight vodka?

795. Baby bitches don't need chasers.

796. And I'm literally 18.

797. - Pussy! - Pussy!

798. Pussy.

799. You need to learn how to swallow.

800. It's literally a female

801. coming of age experience.

802. Bro. Shut up.

803. - Not all of us suck dick.

804. She's trans!

805. That doesn't automatically mean that she sucks dick.

806. I actually fuck women all the time.

807. Oh! You're trans lesbian?

808. That's literally so special.

809. Hey, ya'll two never...?

810. Nope! That's never been true.

811. Okay?

812. Come on.

813. We've all experimented.

814. - Really? - No.

815. I literally kissed you.

816. Yeah.

817. And then you immediately pulled back, said yuck,

818. and set my whole coming out experience

819. like at least your back.

820. Don't be a salty bitch.

821. This is boring.

822. I want to see y'all kiss.

823. Seven minutes in heaven.

824. All right. Woo!

825. Come on guys, leave 'em be.

826. So...

827. I'm not going to kiss you.

828. Okay, that's not what the song was about.

829. What are you so smiley about?

830. Don't worry about it.

831. It doesn't have to do with you.

832. Oh, it doesn't have to do with me.

833. Because last I checked,

834. we were stuck in somebody's fucking truck together.

835. Okay well, it's not about you.

836. What is it?

837. I... think I might...

838. be trans.

839. Yeah.

840. You are, so am I.

841. Are you keeping up with the plan?

842. No, like in real life.

843. What?

844. Back in the theater

845. with Sasha, she put this dress on me. And

846. once I had it on, you know, something kind of clicked.

847. And that was the thing.

848. The thing that I was

849. trying to tell you earlier, that was the serious. So.

850. Are you fucking kidding me?

851. You can fucking change in front of Sasha?

852. What? No. What?

853. - Was she naked too? - No.

854. Oh my God, Alex.

855. That's my number one crush!

856. Alex!

857. Does Sasha think about me at all?

858. Can I please get a reaction to this?

859. To what? I'm heartbroken.

860. - To- Trans! - Sorry.

861. What does this have to do with me?

862. Oh my God, it has nothing

863. to do with you. This isn't what you thing.

864. That's what I was trying to say.

865. Are you still going to be my friend?

866. - Oh, bitch! - Alex.

867. Ooh, sorry.

868. Is that misogynistic for me to say now?

869. I probably shouldn't hit you either.

870. Just stop.

871. Tell me what's going to your head right now.

872. I mean, honestly?

873. This makes so much sense.

874. Every crush you've ever had is a lesbian.

875. - Facts. Facts! - Okay well...

876. Honestly, I used to think it was like, kind of like.

877. cause they kind of like dudes.

878. But this math actually makes a lot more sense.

879. Hold on, hold on.

880. I have not-

881. I have not not exclusively been attracted to lesbians.

882. Oh, do I need to pull out the records?

883. Okay. Middle school.

884. That girl with the imaginary horse she

885. used to ride around the lunchroom.

886. Oh, what was her name?

887. You know, with the basketball shorts?

888. Oh, okay.

889. Well basketball shorts aren't—

890. Don't don't directly mean lesbian.

891. Okay, well, she's dating Claudia Parker now.

892. Okay, fine. That's one.

893. You also had a crush on Claudia Parker.

894. That's two.

895. Devastating for you that they're dating now.

896. It's fine.

897. Just, sorry. Don't shoot the messenger.

898. It's fine.

899. What about Forest?

900. Forest is gay.

901. Forest is hot.

902. I mean Forest is kind of scary.

903. No, dude, Forest is actually

904. really cool.. We're like homies now.

905. Like, for real.

906. I don't think you're homies.

907. They invited me to this party! I can

908. get you into those non-binary pants.

909. - Hey, yo. Hey, yo. - Stop!

910. Gross, gross.

911. Look, I'm.

912. I'm kind of having

913. a good time

914. for, like, the first time in my life, so.

915. Could we just, like, enjoy tonight?

916. Dude?

917. Yes, that's what I'm fucking talking about.

918. - Ow that hurt. - Sorry.

919. Okay. That's the energy I like though.

920. Hey what's up?

921. Hey... girl...

922. Um, do you come here a lot?

923. This is my house.

924. Hi. Can I um...

925. Yes, you can sit down.

926. Thanks for inviting us.

927. Yeah I think we all just needed some

928. girl time.

929. Totally. I'm always looking for girl time.

930. You should get that fixed.

931. Forest!

932. - So- - So how did you

933. know that you weren't a girl?

934. Woah.

935. That's a crazy thing to come right out with.

936. No I'm...

937. I'm sorry.

938. Oh, no. Hey!

939. It's fine. Just...

940. Ask me in a different way.

941. Okay.

942. How did you.

943. How did you know that you weren't cis?

944. How do you?

945. So I thought you were always supposed to

946. have known and like

947. wanted to kill yourself and stuff.

948. Yeah.

949. I guess, I just sort of

950. woke up one day and was like, “Fuck Barbies are tight.”

951. Oh, okay.

952. - I get it. Word. - Yeah.

953. Yeah, totally.

954. I mean my childhood was like super traumatizing.

955. - Yeah? - Yeah.

956. I was Annie. In “Annie”. So.

957. - Titular... yeah. - Lotta pressure. Right.

958. Sasha put me in a dress

959. and she did my makeup.

960. And um...

961. Something kind of...

962. happened.

963. Okay, what happened?

964. Um.

965. I guess

966. I saw myself

967. getting older.

968. And that's never happened, to me before.

969. So I never really, like, thought about the future.

970. I dunno, I just realized, oh, I can maybe

971. live.

972. Like this.

973. - I don't know- - Welcome to the club.

974. It's actually pretty cool.

975. It's mostly awesome.

976. It's fun.

977. Actually it's not really that fun.

978. There's fun parts of it.

979. Cool.

980. You're so weird!

981. Caught me!

982. Oh my God.

983. - Blegh! - Stop!

984. Can you tell me about it?

985. Cause I'm like. I'm new to this.

986. Yeah. I dunno

987. if we're like the same brand of this.

988. Like...

989. Totally. Yeah.

990. Um. I mean...

991. We're both

992. maybe

993. gay?

994. - What? - Hm?

995. Oh I just, y'know I said gay.

996. Or, lesbian?

997. Oh.

998. So, like, you made that?

999. You're like multi-talented or whatever?

1000. I mean, I wouldn't say that.

1001. More like, multi-hyphenate?

1002. - For sure. - Or a visionary.

1003. Yeah. Visionary. That suits you.

1004. Thanks! I invented the duct-tape wallet.

1005. So when you're thinking about the future of yours

1006. what are you excited about?

1007. I guess maybe I have like one thing

1008. that I think about. Like...

1009. Okay. Tell me.

1010. It's kind of vague.

1011. Okay, tell me.

1012. Okay.

1013. I think about

1014. holding hands

1015. platonically.

1016. No, platonically like,

1017. I mean, like holding hands with other girls,

1018. Uh-huh?

1019. Cause, you know, like

1020. girls can do that.

1021. They can y'know be

1022. close with each other and

1023. have fun. And be hot.

1024. Okay, so you're trying to be hot?

1025. No! No.

1026. I'm messing with you.

1027. So what's the list? You can like,

1028. You can like make stuff.

1029. You can sing. You can act.

1030. - Can you dance? - Bitch what do you think?

1031. I don't see you doing much right now.

1032. Oh! I'm gonna finish this.

1033. Then finish it!

1034. Okay hoe, I got you.

1035. Drink up.

1036. Woo!

1037. Come on light weight!

1038. Fuck you!

1039. I don't know. I mean I just like the idea of

1040. you know how girls can be soft

1041. together?

1042. And you know, kind of

1043. have fun, dance around.

1044. - Oh so you want to dance? - Huh?

1045. You wanna dance.

1046. Right now?

1047. Yeah. Let's dance! Come on.

1048. What is this a dance battle? Are you dance battling me?

1049. - You tell me. - Don't want none of this.

1050. You don't want none of this.

1051. Oh, what?

1052. Yeah you can put your hands there.

1053. Yeah, that's what the girl does.

1054. Oh. Okay. Copy. Sorry. Heard.

1055. I'm new to this.

1056. Yeah, I'm aware.

1057. Oh, my God. This would be

1058. so hot if I could be into you.

1059. Okay, but how do you know

1060. if someone is interested?

1061. Huh, what?

1062. You said you wanted to dance platonically.

1063. How can you know if it's not platonic?

1064. Oh, my God, do you want to kiss me?

1065. Yes.

1066. You can.

1067. Oh my God, I promise I'm not into girls.

1068. Well, that's good, because

1069. I'm not a girl.

1070. What?

1071. Yeah.

1072. I'm a boy. This whole trans thing

1073. is like totally a joke.

1074. Are you being serious?

1075. Yeah, but nothing bad, I promise.

1076. It was not in a bad way.

1077. I mean, Ethan just did it

1078. because I have a huge crush on you, and we just wanted

1079. to come hang out.

1080. You were making all of this up?

1081. Well, no, not my feelings about you,

1082. I mean, I

1083. I'm not just some guy who's like, oh,

1084. I want to fuck you like, I, I think you're really cool.

1085. Get the fuck out of my house.

1086. No, Sasha you don't understand!

1087. Forest!

1088. They were lying. He.

1089. Ethan is lying about being trans.

1090. That's not true. No not Ethan!

1091. Oh my God, get the fuck out of my house!

1092. Now!

1093. Ethan...

1094. What?

1095. Did you not hear me?

1096. Leave. Now.

1097. Okay.

1098. Ethan.

1099. Ethan!

1100. Ethan!

1101. What possibly made you tell her?

1102. I didn't mean to, okay? It just slipped out.

1103. I was

1104. I was trying to tell her that you were telling the truth.

1105. But why?

1106. She said she wasn't into girls,

1107. and I wanted her to know I was straight.

1108. I just said the thing, but I didn't mean to.

1109. I didn't mean to, I promise Ethan, I promise

1110. it was an accident.

1111. Please go away.

1112. No.

1113. I'm sorry!

1114. Ethan.

1115. Fuck.

1116. Hi Mom.

1117. Ethan?

1118. I've had a really horrible night.

1119. So, can I-

1120. Can I just have a hug? Maybe?

1121. No. I just.

1122. I'd like to...

1123. I'd like to know what I'm looking at.

1124. If that's okay.

1125. Okay, um...

1126. - Mom? - You know what? Let's not.

1127. I don't want to fight about this tonight.

1128. It doesn't have to be a fight.

1129. Good night.

1130. No.

1131. Ethan.

1132. Fuck...

1133. Ethan?

1134. You go first. You're scarier.

1135. Well, hello there, Mr. Alex.

1136. Jacob?

1137. Sup dude.

1138. Guys...

1139. What? Don't act like I'm so scary.

1140. I'm not a scary guy.

1141. I mean, you did steal Miss Beacher's cat last year.

1142. She had it coming.

1143. Well, you shouldn't be scared of me.

1144. You're a legend.

1145. We heard about what you did.

1146. Pretending to be trannies

1147. to get into the girls lockers, bro.

1148. That's insane.

1149. Like, that's actually crazy.

1150. Dude, I don't think I would have

1151. ever had the balls to do some shit like that.

1152. Yeah, well, you know.

1153. You're gonna go down in boy history for this shit.

1154. Dude, everyone is going to remember your name.

1155. You might be even more rememborable than me, bro.

1156. And I'm the fucking quarterback.

1157. Well, I dunno about all that.

1158. Well, no, I mean, you won't, but

1159. you'll be big.

1160. Do you know where the theater is?

1161. Ethan?

1162. Oh, guys, the stuff's actually over here.

1163. Bro, we're not actually getting the graduation stuff

1164. are you fucking kidding me?

1165. Guys.

1166. Oh, guys, I don't think we should be in here.

1167. Bro, come on. We're joining you.

1168. - Joining me? - With the tranny thing.

1169. We all want to get into that locker room.

1170. Just, none of us really thought this was

1171. possible, but you proved us wrong.

1172. You guys definitely don't want to go in there.

1173. Oh, we definitely do.

1174. Oh, bro, you gotta do this one.

1175. This dress says “I fuck”.

1176. Bro, shut the fuck up. Let me pick my own shit.

1177. Oh, fuck.

1178. Oh, Jesus.

1179. What the fuck.

1180. Davis!

1181. - Oh thank God. - The fuck do you want?

1182. - Okay, listen. - Do not come near me.

1183. I heard what you did.

1184. You did the same thing.

1185. I didn't! And I told you that I didn't.

1186. Okay? Like, what is wrong with you?

1187. Okay, whatever.

1188. Listen,

1189. Jacob and the other boys, they're getting in dresses

1190. and they're going in the girls locker room.

1191. Oh, I wonder where they got that bright idea.

1192. Okay, well, it's a lot scarier when they do it.

1193. Oh, my God,

1194. can you straight guys just, like, harass women as men?

1195. That's not-

1196. Oh, that's not what I was trying to-

1197. I was just trying to get everybody understand

1198. that me and Ethan are not gay.

1199. Okay, no offense, but it turns out that

1200. she's actually a girl.

1201. What?

1202. Ethan.

1203. She's...

1204. she's trans.

1205. Like deadass.

1206. Oh shit.

1207. Yeah, she told me the other night

1208. before everything got fucked.

1209. And now I've been looking for her,

1210. and I can't find her anywhere.

1211. And I want to go to her house.

1212. Oh, can you help me?

1213. Why would I help you?

1214. Because I don't know, like queer solidarity?

1215. Not for you.

1216. I'm not gay. Ethan is!

1217. I know that you are not.

1218. You say it all the time, Alex.

1219. Okay, please.

1220. For Ethan.

1221. Okay.

1222. How can I help you?

1223. I need Dick Gobbler.

1224. Are you picking a song?

1225. Yes, I'm picking a song.

1226. They didn't wait to throw the first brick at Stonewall

1227. till they got the jukebox right.

1228. You cannot talk about Stonewall

1229. because what the fuck do you know about Stonewall?

1230. Well, I know that we need to pick up the pace.

1231. - Okay. See?

1232. See, the vibes are right.

1233. Let's go!

1234. Bro, are you fucking kidding me.

1235. That's a hate crime.

1236. Actually, this is a hate crime.

1237. Well, saying “this is a hate crime” is actually

1238. even more of a hate crime.

1239. - Bro, so deep! - Yeah, I know.

1240. Just get out.

1241. I don't think so.

1242. You know,

1243. I think we should all take off our clothes.

1244. I mean, that's what the locker room is for, right?

1245. Okay, great.

1246. I didn't know you were taking me to

1247. Racism L.A.

1248. She's not racist!

1249. I'm Italian, and I'm here all the time.

1250. Okay.

1251. Come on.

1252. Excuse.

1253. Are you out of your fucking mind?

1254. I know the kids are telling you that you're gay.

1255. And maybe.

1256. Maybe they're saying that you need to be a girl,

1257. but I think they're putting that on you.

1258. And now you're doing this because

1259. you're trying to explain why you're different.

1260. - That's not it, Mom. - You are beautiful.

1261. You're a handsome boy.

1262. And I don't understand why you want to throw that all

1263. away to be an ugly girl.

1264. - Mom! - I am not being mean.

1265. I am just telling you the truth.

1266. Because you won't be pretty.

1267. And that makes life hard.

1268. - You don't understand. - I don't want your life.

1269. I don't want to be like this.

1270. Oh, what? Sorry! Sorry!

1271. So you don't want this?

1272. You think I'm-

1273. I'm trying to have this life.

1274. I'm trying to get us out of here.

1275. And I need you to help me do that.

1276. Because I don't have options, Ethan.

1277. And you don't, either.

1278. And if you do this, if you just change everything,

1279. if you throw it away,

1280. you're thrown away your future and your throwing away

1281. mine too. And I don't

1282. understand how you can be so selfish.

1283. This isn't about me being selfish.

1284. It's not selfish for me to want to be happy, mom.

1285. Happy?

1286. What do you think you're going to be happy?

1287. Have you ever met a happy transgender?

1288. Ethan!

1289. What?

1290. Don't get mad at Ethan about the dress

1291. because it was my idea.

1292. Because I'm actually gay.

1293. This is my lover,

1294. Davis.

1295. What? Oh.

1296. Yep. Very much in love.

1297. Okay, so Ethan doesn't deserve

1298. any of your homophobia.

1299. I do.

1300. Because I'm a real-life gay guy.

1301. Alex, shut the fuck up!

1302. Guys! I know stage combat.

1303. Is that like real combat?

1304. Yeah. Except no one gets hurt.

1305. Not sure it's gonna be useful in this situation.

1306. Mom...

1307. I wish I could be happy

1308. in the body that you gave me.

1309. I wish... I fucking wish

1310. that I could do all of the things

1311. that you think I can do as a boy.

1312. But I can't.

1313. Every part of my body, my- my brain, my lungs,

1314. my fucking soul,

1315. every- every part of me wants to be understood

1316. and and thought of and seen and held as a girl.

1317. I want people

1318. to see me that way.

1319. I need it to live. Mom.

1320. And I'm terrified.

1321. I'm so scared.

1322. I'm scared about how hard it's going to be. But

1323. the not doing it.

1324. It's so much harder. Mom.

1325. It's so hard

1326. that it might kill me.

1327. I don't know if...

1328. If you want that kind of kid.

1329. I want to be your child.

1330. I just can't be your son.

1331. Sorry.

1332. I know this isn't a good time, but

1333. Jacob and all the boys are trying to force their way

1334. into the girls' locker room in dresses.

1335. - What? - Yeah.

1336. So we kind of need to go if we're gonna stop them.

1337. Okay,

1338. okay.

1339. Okay. I have a plan.

1340. Grab the “Damn Yankees” stuff. It's in the back.

1341. I think you need to stop making plans.

1342. Okay, well, this one's better, bitch.

1343. Thank God, because I don't know

1344. if you can mess stuff up more.

1345. At least I'm doing something.

1346. Okay, I'm just going to go get the stuff.

1347. Hey, you know, I actually really care about you, right?

1348. Hey.

1349. What? What do you want?

1350. Why are you still mad at me?

1351. Why do you think?

1352. I think you need to calm down.

1353. Because I will have fixed all of this in a-

1354. Fuck, like so soon.

1355. You didn't fix anything, Alex.

1356. You only started more problems.

1357. Okay, well,

1358. what I started was your gender,

1359. which I actually think is

1360. a pretty two thumbs up thing to have done.

1361. You know, my mom won't talk to me anymore because of you.

1362. Who cares?

1363. We're going to college. It doesn't matter.

1364. I care.

1365. It's my mom.

1366. If I don't have her then I don't have anyone.

1367. Alex, I don't have a family.

1368. That's not true.

1369. - I'm your family. - No, you're not.

1370. You don't do the right thing, Alex.

1371. I know that you think you're my friend

1372. But...

1373. the only person that you think about is you.

1374. And I don't want people in my life that are like that.

1375. Well, what about next year?

1376. I don't want to live with you next year.

1377. I don't want to be friends with you anymore.

1378. I think you were right.

1379. And I think we should be apart

1380. for both of us.

1381. I'm going to go help Davis.

1382. It's hot as balls in here bro.

1383. Jacob, your biceps are looking huge, man.

1384. Thanks, bro.

1385. I got this on my own.

1386. You are looking absolutely cut.

1387. The diet is for sure working.

1388. You don't have to work on my legs?

1389. I feel like,

1390. I feel like my legs are kinda mid.

1391. No, man, they look great.

1392. Like the definition here looks insane.

1393. Shut up.

1394. You sound like you're fucking!

1395. We are not fucking!

1396. You do sound like you're having sex out there.

1397. Someone find a crowbar or something!

1398. Go.

1399. Fuck off!

1400. It's Ethan.

1401. How is that different?

1402. Oh, my God, she really is trans.

1403. Stop being fucking assholes.

1404. Why would we trust you, Davis?

1405. Because Jude is a trans guy.

1406. I'm still gay.

1407. Really?

1408. Yes!

1409. You all need to get a lot better about queer identity.

1410. Now, please let us the fuck in.

1411. Name yourself.

1412. Yo, it's Alex.

1413. Sorry I ran. Saw some hotties. You know how it is.

1414. I brought a crowbar.

1415. It's locked.

1416. I'm sorry.

1417. You have nothing to be sorry for.

1418. I think I'm the one that fucked up here.

1419. I mean, I, I guess straight culture is probably

1420. the real problem, but...

1421. I think Alex is the real problem.

1422. I think you're right.

1423. Do you hate me?

1424. No, I, I actually really like you.

1425. Okay, so what are we gonna do?

1426. Alex actually has a plan.

1427. We have stuff here for

1428. you guys to fight your way out,

1429. and he's going to give us a signal when it's time to go.

1430. Okay. What's the signal?

1431. [”Time Warp” by Richard O'Brien playing}

1432. Sup!

1433. Signal!

1434. I guess that's it.

1435. Scatter!

1436. - Are those from the play? - Are those from the play!

1437. I don't know.

1438. Everybody grab some.

1439. What are you saying?

1440. Flank the gun!

1441. Okay! Okay!

1442. Yee-haw motherfuckers!

1443. Oh. Wow.

1444. Ah! Ow!

1445. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

1446. Stage combat, bitch!

1447. Damn. You're gorgeous. What up?

1448. Hello, can I help you with something?

1449. Yo what are you doing later? C'mon.

1450. You know, I'm not really involved in this at all.

1451. And I just will say, I also, loving the dresses.

1452. You guys should try it out more often.

1453. You could have been one of us Alex!

1454. I'll see titties somewhere else.

1455. I'm sorry about everything I said at the party.

1456. It's.

1457. It's fine.

1458. I mean, it's not fine.

1459. It hurt like a bitch when you said that. But

1460. it'll be okay.

1461. It was really all Alex's fault anyway.

1462. How are you okay with him?

1463. Girl, I'm not.

1464. Like at all.

1465. This is where I say something cool.

1466. Okay then, say it!

1467. Thank you.

1468. You know, I don't believe in labels

1469. but, y'know, we can see where things go.

1470. I'm just saying, you know.

1471. Oh fuck!

1472. Boys rule.

1473. Girls drool.

1474. Tampons!

1475. Aaah! Oh fuck!

1476. Shit!

1477. Oh! No! No! No!

1478. In light of recent events,

1479. we feel it is best to get rid

1480. of gendered bathrooms.

1481. Apparently we can't trust any of you

1482. with anything!

1483. So, fuck it.

1484. Use whatever bathroom you like.

1485. Who cares?

1486. Can you help me with my makeup when you're done?

1487. No, I have to do my own.

1488. I know, bitch, that's why I said when you're done.

1489. Oh, my God, why are you cursing at me?

1490. This might not be like a super good gender thing, but

1491. do you know how to tie a tie?

1492. Yeah. Come here.

1493. Are you and Alex still not good?

1494. I haven't seen him

1495. since, you know,

1496. the big fight, so.

1497. I'm sure he's just in the other bathroom

1498. getting ready.

1499. Yeah.

1500. Are you gonna leave my collar up?

1501. No, sorry. Sorry.

1502. - Hey. - Ethan?

1503. - No, it's it's Alex. - Oh Jesus.

1504. I know you like

1505. don't think that there's any men in your life

1506. now that Ethan's, like, a girl or whatever.

1507. And I know you're probably like

1508. “Oh, I lost all the other men

1509. in my life, even though I know how to

1510. suck dick.” But-

1511. Jesus! Alex!

1512. Sorry.

1513. But...

1514. I'm a man,

1515. and I can step up Mary, I, I know I like

1516. I have to go to college and everything, but I can

1517. I can fix things and I can take the trash out.

1518. Whatever you need.

1519. Okay?

1520. So don't

1521. worry about Ethan, because

1522. you got me, baby.

1523. Okay?

1524. Hon...

1525. Alex, babe.

1526. Look, I know,

1527. I know, we have our, like, fun banter,

1528. but you are 30 years younger than me.

1529. Oh my God Mary not like that.

1530. I'm being a gentleman.

1531. Okay, I guess

1532. what I came to say is just like...

1533. Don't be mad at Ethan for something she can't control.

1534. I am not mad at her.

1535. I'm...

1536. I'm. Just.

1537. I'm so scared.

1538. I don't...

1539. Nobody wants to see their kid get hurt.

1540. I, I know how

1541. how hard and painful this is going to be for her.

1542. And I just.

1543. I don't even

1544. I don't even know if I have the strength to

1545. watch her go through life with this,

1546. this burden on her.

1547. Well, for what it's worth,

1548. I've known Ethan

1549. almost as long as you have.

1550. And the last couple hours

1551. since I suggested that we do this...

1552. She's been

1553. as happy as I've ever seen her.

1554. Maybe happier.

1555. And I've seen her pretty happy.

1556. I'm pretty funny.

1557. I make her laugh a lot.

1558. But I don't know.

1559. Something's just

1560. good for her right now

1561. you know? And it's just cool to see

1562. somebody you love so happy and

1563. free.

1564. I don't...

1565. I don't even think she wants to see me.

1566. No, bro.

1567. She definitely wants to see you.

1568. Oh.

1569. Sorry, ma'am.

1570. I think you just...

1571. I think it would mean a lot if you just came

1572. and saw her graduate.

1573. I don't know.

1574. I don't even have anything to wear.

1575. All my dresses are just shit for high school.

1576. Yeah, but I'm sure you still fit in all those.

1577. Of course I fit into them.

1578. I just...

1579. They're...

1580. They're a little bit young for me now.

1581. Respectfully...

1582. If your daughter's gonna wear whatever fucking

1583. dress she wants, I think you should do.

1584. Okay?

1585. So find the hottest thing in there.

1586. Put your makeup on, put a smile on your face.

1587. We only graduate once.

1588. And let's fucking do this, okay?

1589. Okay. Go away! I'm not gonna let you

1590. - watch me change. - Okay.

1591. Gentleman, out.

1592. We have to hurry.

1593. Get in there and...

1594. Oh...

1595. Sasha! Let's go this way.

1596. Yeah!

1597. Mom...

1598. You look really hot.

1599. Well so do you.

1600. I brought her.

1601. I hope that's okay.

1602. He offered to step in and be the man of the house.

1603. Oh, no. Actually what he said was

1604. “You got me, baby.”

1605. But not in a sexual way.

1606. I'm a gentleman now.

1607. Eh...

1608. I don't want to fuck up your makeup.

1609. Right.

1610. So...

1611. Um, I should get a seat.

1612. Um...

1613. Hey.

1614. Hi.

1615. I'm sorry

1616. for everything.

1617. And I do want to fix things

1618. and not be so selfish.

1619. And I'm really sorry that

1620. this all had to happen this way, but

1621. I'm really happy for you.

1622. Thank you.

1623. You know,

1624. Pussy makes a guy crazy.

1625. - Oh my God. - What can you do?

1626. But um.

1627. You'll always be my girl.

1628. And a sexy one at that!

1629. - Oh my God! - Fellas!

1630. Ladies?

1631. Non-binos?

1632. Oh, my God!

1633. Everybody!

1634. It looks good!

1635. I'm sorry guys.

1636. I'm sure it's too little too late, but I just

1637. I'm sorry for everything. And Sasha especially.

1638. I'm sorry, but um, I'm an ally now.

1639. Nice to see you as a boy.

1640. Really?

1641. Not like that.

1642. Right.

1643. Wow. Moist.

1644. Are you sure we're okay with him?

1645. He's trying.

1646. And I think that's the best we can ask

1647. right now.

1648. Hey, bro.

1649. You want to help me fix this thing up?

1650. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

1651. You're literally drooling.

1652. No I'm not!

1653. If you and Forest are going to do long distance,

1654. you better not hurt them.

1655. We're we're literally lesbians.

1656. Long distance is different for us.

1657. So just because you're a girl

1658. doesn't mean I'm above anything.

1659. How are you going to be a bitch to me

1660. when I'm like 3000 miles away?

1661. I'm creative.

1662. Crescent wrench.

1663. Bro, I know shit now.

1664. - Yeah! - Woo!

1665. Are you fucking kidding me?

1666. Graduation!

1667. You know...

1668. No homo. But I'm really gonna miss you.

1669. It's been an honor to stand

1670. beside you these last eighteen years.

1671. And we've grown so much. But...

1672. I don't know how I'm gonna do this without you.

1673. Just because you're not in the urinal

1674. next to me does not mean you're not in my heart.

1675. - Okay? - Oh my God.

1676. I love you.

1677. I love you too.

1678. See you on the other side!

1679. Okay.

1680. Yo bitch! There's no soap in mine!

1681. Davis fucked that for all of us.

1682. What do you mean?

1683. - Oh! - Oh!

1684. Are you okay?

1685. Hey. Oh, fuck.

1686. - Sorry. - No that was great!

1687. I looked right at the lens again.

1688. You're all good.

1689. Hold on. Hold on.

1690. I would help you, but I only know

1691. how to take them off.

1692. Okay, sorry.

1693. Uh, yeah.

1694. Real women don't need shots.

1695. Whoop- ah!

1696. Meow!

1697. Okay, wait.

1698. Every time I tried to shoot, it would go

1699. YEEEEAUGH!

1700. And!

1701. Good fucking save dude!

1702. Well there's blood on the dress though.

1703. What are your pronouns?

1704. Maybe we can just borrow one of yours.

1705. Oh, I need these.

1706. Every time I would shoot it would go

1707. WEEEEOOOWEE

1708. But mama,

1709. I got this, I got this.

1710. It's kind of floppy.

1711. Like, flaccid.

1712. We're gonna need a Viagra on aisle two

1713. for this horn.

1714. And then every time I shot it, it would just

1715. GEEUUUUUUGHH

1716. So I thought your's always

1717. blah.

1718. - Is that like real combat? - Yeah.

1719. Not seeing how that'd be useful in this situation.

1720. Not seeing how that'd be useful in this situation.

1721. Not seeing how that'd be helpful-

1722. I'm so sorry.

1723. Oh, fuck.

1724. Oh my God.

1725. I think it's pretty good.

1726. It's a stick figure with tits.

1727. It's abstract.

1728. I totally nailed her eyes.

1729. You want to know the truth about this first lady?

1730. My husband would have paid for her abortion,

1731. but she prefers it down the throat.

1732. Women's rights!

1733. Oh, I'm so sorry.

1734. Okay.

1735. What the actual fuck?

1736. Fucked Jude Lee!

1737. That's why they hate him.

1738. - If you're LGBTQ- - Do we want to start o-

1739. I really liked that level of chaos.

1740. I'm not gonna lie.