1. Hello, my name is Sean Anders.
Screenwriter and director of Sex Drive.
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2. Hi, John. I didn't see you there.
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3. - This is John Morris.
- Screenwriter and producer of Sex Drive.
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4. - Welcome to the unrated...
- Uncircumcised...
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5. edition of...
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6. - ... Sex Drive.
- Sex Drive.
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7. How many times has this happened to you?
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8. You purchase an unrated DVD to view
with your friends. Only with your friends...
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9. Only to find that you got the same
old movie with a few extra curse words,
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10. and maybe an additional tit or two.
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11. - What a jip.
- And how...
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12. Not this time.
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13. That's right, John.
On this unrated DVD we promise you,
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14. the viewer,
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15. a genuinely wacky, zany
and unrated viewing experience.
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16. - We promise...
- Plus, we promise more tits.
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17. Bare tits like these.
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18. These tits are good.
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19. Plus, more cock, like this.
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20. That's good cock, John.
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21. That's right, John, and that's not all,
we promise lots of additional scenes,
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22. takes and other bullshit
that will make the movie way too long.
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23. And this means a lower standard
of filmmaking for you,
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24. - the viewer.
- The viewer.
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25. So, if you've never seen Sex Drive before,
please, for real,
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26. do not watch this version first.
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27. Watch the real theatrical version
and then come back and watch this one.
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28. Why?
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29. Yes, because this version
of the movie is going to suck.
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30. Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice you.
I have this exact same tribal tattoo.
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31. Mine's one my... It's on my back.
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32. But actually I have a town car outside
if you wanna go see...
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33. All right.
Why don't you do one more?
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34. We open up against Michigan
in two weeks.
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35. Coach's got me hitting the bench
pretty hard.
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36. Shit. How much is a lot?
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37. One... No, two.
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38. I'm putting up three hundy.
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39. Well, let's see, Tasty.
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40. Wow!
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41. Um...
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42. Wow, you're really pretty. I've never seen...
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43. No, stop it, stop it.
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44. Don't be so fucking desperate.
Come on, be a dick. Be cool.
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45. Don't be
a pussy. Tell her she's an ugly skank.
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46. Yeah.
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47. Not bad.
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48. I've seen better.
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49. Yeah, whatever.
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50. Coach's got us running two-a-days,
so I gotta bounce.
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51. Miss Tasty? How did you get here?
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52. Shh!
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53. lan, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20,
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54. so if you want a ride to work
you better get your poop in a group.
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55. - Okay, I'll be right down.
- No. Now, Clay Aiken.
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56. - All right.
- No, now, homo.
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57. - Just give me a minute.
- No, no, no, no. Now, sissy.
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58. - Just...
- No, now, chode-stroker.
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59. Now, ball bag.
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60. Hey...
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61. - Ow! Cut it out.
- Hurts, doesn't it?
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62. Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.
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63. Hey, Big D, sorry. Go back to sleep.
You're golden.
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64. - You, get your ass up.
- Give me a minute.
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65. What're you doing under there, huh?
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66. What're you doing?
You're firing off your skin pistol?
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67. Come on, get up. What are you hiding?
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68. You got a big fattie under there, don't you?
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69. Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too.
What the F?
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70. Your little brother's sleeping
not ten feet away. Jesus Christ!
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71. Good. My boys are all here.
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72. - Dad, lan's free...
- Can it, Rex.
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73. Your pop's got a bombshell to drop,
so ears open.
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74. Last night,
your old man popped the question.
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75. Show them, Karen.
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76. I'm so happy.
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77. Hey, way to go!
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78. lan, you wanna get off your duff
and come over here and give Karen a hug?
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79. Um...
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80. - Yeah, lan, come on. You're being rude.
- Can we do that later?
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81. - Damn it, lan, get up...
- No, no, honey. It's okay.
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82. We have to give him time
to get used to the idea.
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83. lAN'S DAD: Karen?
Are you okay?
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84. lAN'S DAD: Karen? Karen, honey?
You okay?
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85. Sweetheart?
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86. What smells like jizz?
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87. Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!
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88. Come on, get in. Get in!
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89. You suck!
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90. Okay, seriously.
Quit being such a fag and get in.
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91. (SINGING) Never go doWn
So let's get it up
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92. lan, I'm gonna ask you a question,
and I want a straight answer.
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93. - You queer?
- What?
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94. - God damn it! I knew it!
- I didn't say anything.
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95. Exactly. If someone asks you
if you're a pole smoker,
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96. you just deny it, straight off.
No pause, no farting around.
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97. Rex, I'm not gay.
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98. - Dad thinks you're gay.
- What?
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99. - You're breaking the old man's heart.
- No, I'm not. I told him I'm not.
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100. lan, you're 18,
and you've never had a girlfriend.
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101. That's how people wind up getting gay,
you know.
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102. I don't think that's really how it happens.
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103. Is that not how it happens?
So tell me how it happens, expert.
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104. Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.
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105. Hey, what do you like better,
the shaft or the balls?
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106. - That's gross.
- You like them both, don't you?
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107. It's like, sometimes like, Tuesdays you want
the big, old fucking shiny-ass cock,
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108. and Wednesdays and Thursdays
you're on to the balls.
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109. - I don't know why you're talking about it.
- You can't choose, can you?
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110. That's a tough one.
You love it and you're obsessed with it.
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111. No, you are. You keep talking about it.
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112. Why're you smiling at me? I'm serious.
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113. Don't fucking smile at me. You know
I'll knock you out of this goddamn earth.
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114. What does it taste like?
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115. Like, right when you take your mouth off
and it's like kind of
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116. like you can almost see your reflection
in that fucking cock.
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117. Smack you in the face with it a little bit.
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118. - You don't like that?
- I don't eat...
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119. Just cut. Just like, shiny fucking stiff,
hot vascular mushroom head.
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120. Yeah, yeah.
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121. Look, every guy's got a fantasy
about another guy,
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122. but you got to bury that shit way down.
This is America, God damn it.
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123. There is...
There is a girl that I've been kind of...
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124. All right, I'm listening.
Where'd you meet her?
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125. On the... Online.
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126. What? For fuck's sake, lan,
don't you watch Dateline?
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127. She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude
who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.
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128. But you'd love that, wouldn't you?
'Cause you're a homo.
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129. Hey, lan. Try not to come home any gayer
than you are now.
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130. Seriously, though. You're a fag.
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131. Hey, don't look at me like that.
I'll punch you in the goddamn throat.
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132. (SINGING) Hey
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133. What's your favorite song?
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134. Maybe we could hum along
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135. Well, I think you're smart,
you sweet thing
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136. Tell me your name,
I'm dying here
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137. Got you where I want you
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138. Yeah
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139. - Hey, Becca. How are you?
- I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.
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140. (CHUCKLlNG) Hey, Becca.
Looks like you had a long, nasty night.
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141. - Ron and lan want the four-one-uno.
- Whatever. You guys are gross.
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142. - I'm not gross. I didn't say anything.
- Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?
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143. - No, Becca, I did it yesterday.
- Please, lan.
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144. I love you so much.
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145. Hello. This is a coupon for six free...
No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.
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146. - Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen.
- Thanks.
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147. You're welcome. Sorry.
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148. Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?
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149. - It's just past the movie theater.
- Thanks, man.
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150. Yeah, real funny.
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151. Free donuts, free coupons.
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152. Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?
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153. Well, you look nice.
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154. You know, sweetie,
there's still time to have your boobs done
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155. before my wedding.
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156. Darren and I already discussed them,
and he said he'd pay for it.
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157. I mean, he's a dentist,
so it's totally not a big deal.
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158. Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?
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159. Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?
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160. Oh, no. I was just hoping
you could slit my wrists for me quickly.
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161. My husband killed himself last Christmas.
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162. I am so sorry. I was just...
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163. Hello. This is a coupon
for six free donuts. Donuts?
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164. Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.
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165. Hey, sweetheart, listen.
Please don't take this the wrong way,
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166. but your whole trying too hard thing,
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167. it's just coming across as needy,
you know?
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168. And I think you're better than that,
Kimberly.
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169. - But all I was saying was that...
- Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?
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170. I mean, Christ,
I'm out buying him clothes right now.
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171. He's 18 years old.
I don't have to do that shit anymore.
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172. Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry,
I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.
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173. Well, it's official, Lance,
your mom's still bat-shit crazy.
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174. What? You're telling me
she doesn't shit-talk me?
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175. No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.
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176. All right. Let me give you some advice,
Lance, all right?
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177. Don't ever get married.
Just an endless parade of horseshit.
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178. And whatever you do, man,
always wear a rubber. Christ.
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179. Nice. Always classy.
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180. Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like...
Come on, dawg.
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181. Hey, sir. I've got something yummy
for your little girl.
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182. Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!
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183. - lan? Oh, my God, dude, what happened?
- lAN: I don't know.
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184. ls there a cock and balls
on the front of me again?
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185. - Like a little tree trunk.
- lAN: Thank you.
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186. Oh, my God.
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187. - Whoa. You look pretty.
- God, shut up, lan!
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188. What? I'm just saying,
you usually dress so... You look nice.
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189. lan, why do you got to work the mouth
when you talk to us?
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190. - Yeah, lan.
- Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.
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191. Hey, that girl you work with, Becca,
you gonna bring her to my party tonight?
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192. - Yeah, I asked her. She said no.
- Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.
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193. That's what you say about everyone.
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194. She made you wear
the fucking costume again, right?
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195. - You know, I don't mind...
- Dude, if you told her to fuck off,
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196. she'd be two knuckles deep right now
daydreaming about your big black cock.
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197. lan, do not listen to him.
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198. Okay, girls want a nice guy
who's gonna treat them well.
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199. - Really?
- Yes. Really.
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200. Look, all I'm saying is
everybody wants a challenge.
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201. - Everybody wants...
- What they can't get. I know, I got it.
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202. Do you get it? 'Cause I mean, it feels like
I'm teaching you to walk sometimes.
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203. - That shit does not work.
- It works on you.
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204. No, it doesn't.
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205. Felicia!
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206. Balls! I got to go.
Evil cousin's spending the weekend.
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207. - Pretty cousin?
- lan, she's the anti-Christ.
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208. - She's still super hot.
- Fuck you, too. See you.
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209. So what happened with Becca?
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210. You been doing like I told you,
being a dick?
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211. Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick.
I'd say... No, not really.
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212. I mean, you know,
I've sort of been practicing
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213. your whole being-a-dick thing
with this girl I met online.
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214. - And I get it, but I just...
- Thanks.
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215. I don't think I could do that for real.
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216. Dude, sure you can.
I believe in you, you know.
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217. You just got to stop worrying
about being the good guy all the time.
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218. I mean, okay,
look at Andy and Randy over there.
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219. You think they care
what women think about them?
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220. They could give a fuck.
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221. - What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?
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222. Hi. I'm collecting for
the underprivileged children of Ecuador.
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223. - Would you like to help?
- Not really.
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224. - We don't have any money.
- No jobs.
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225. You wanna party?
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226. Um... I'm kind of working right now.
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227. - When are you done?
- Yeah, what are you doing after?
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228. I have a church thing tonight.
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229. - Kick ass, we'll come.
- Yeah, where is it?
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230. ls there gonna be
more hot snatch like you there?
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231. Those guys are total nards.
They never get anywhere.
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232. That's just 'cause they don't know
how to close.
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233. But they're ability to open
is fucking heroic.
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234. - Do you wear thong underpants?
- Do you want us to take our shirts off?
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235. - What color bra are you wearing?
- ls your mom hot, too?
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236. Are you into me?
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237. - Where do you live?
- What color car do you have?
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238. - Where do you live?
- What's your address?
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239. - Do you want us to come over?
- Do you like pizza?
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240. We've been to a motel.
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241. - Fuck off, donut.
- Rex, it's me.
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242. What the fuck is this all about?
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243. I broke the key off of our locker.
I couldn't get my clothes out.
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244. Stow that shit in the trunk.
Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.
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245. (LAUGHlNG) You suck.
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246. Becca? Hey.
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247. Wow, I didn't know
that you were coming over.
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248. Cool. I didn't even know
that you knew where I lived. I mean...
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249. - Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.
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250. - So...
- Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...
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251. I broke my key off
and Ron let me borrow the...
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252. Anyway, so this is great.
You changed your mind.
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253. Now, the party, it doesn't start
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254. - for a few hours.
- Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.
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255. - Dylan?
- Yeah. Is he here?
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256. - My 14-year-old brother Dylan?
- Yeah.
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257. Nice underpants, lan.
- Snap! Dang, that was funny.
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258. You know he's 14, right?
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259. Laura, Cindy, this shit is totally gratuitous.
I love it.
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260. - Hey, congrats. Good to see you.
- Hey.
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261. Is this the plan?
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262. lan, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here.
Get off your wallflower ass.
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263. - Are you smoking cigars now?
- Yes.
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264. - Hey, Lance. Tight party.
- Okay, rude.
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265. You can see
I'm having a conversation here.
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266. Now, I'll be with you
in a few minutes, okay?
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267. - Thank you.
- We're sorry.
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268. - Don't apologize to her.
- I'm sorry.
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269. Don't apologize to me.
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270. Hey, I'm gonna go see
who Felicia's talking to.
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271. No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?
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272. I know you guys are BFF and all that shit,
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273. but tonight's about getting that dick
a little daylight.
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274. Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart,
where you going?
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275. Come here, we're not done. Get in here.
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276. - You know my boy lan?
- Yeah. No. I don't know.
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277. - You used to be on my paper route.
- Okay, sure. My mom likes you.
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278. Fucking A your mom likes lan. Look at him.
He's a big, bright crimson king. Right?
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279. You know what else?
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280. lan is a bust-ass virgin.
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281. I'm so sorry.
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282. Don't let that deter you from fucking him.
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283. Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked.
I got into the University of Wisconsin,
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284. and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine,
'cause that's where...
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285. - Are you gonna go to college?
- University of Boulder.
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286. It's a great party school.
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287. You know, I read that they have
a really great astronomy program.
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288. I don't know if that's
what you're going there for or...
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289. Because it's really high elevation,
and you can see the stars really well...
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290. Planets.
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291. Wow! A little tip action there.
That's really suggestive.
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292. I'm not saying that
you're gonna do that on my, well...
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293. You can just stick with my finger
if you want 'cause this feels great, so...
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294. You're really good at that.
That's really wet. Two...
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295. lan! Dude!
- I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?
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296. Hello. Hello?
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297. - Hey!
- Hey! What up?
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298. - What are you doing in there, man?
- What're you doing out here, man?
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299. - I asked you first.
- Nothing.
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300. No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt,
so then I had to...
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301. - I thought you had, like, a girl in there.
- Yeah, right. I wish.
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302. So, okay.
So, are your parents, like, still going
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303. to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?
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304. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They all take off in the morning.
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305. Okay. Awesome.
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306. 'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts,
so, I don't know,
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307. you think, like, maybe I could hang
at your place this weekend?
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308. Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something.
It'll be fun.
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309. Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
Hey, I have a secret.
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310. - Okay.
- But it's like a girl secret, so...
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311. - Can you handle it? Are you sure? Okay.
- Yeah.
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312. Hey, Dibits, fuck off.
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313. Okay, so l... Oh my God, this is so lame.
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314. - Look at you acting like such a girl.
- I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.
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315. I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.
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316. Yeah? Well, who is it?
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317. Come on, you know me better than anyone.
I bet you know who it is.
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318. Come on, guess.
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319. Um...
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320. I think I know.
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321. I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you.
You're so easy. You're so easy!
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322. - You're my best friend.
- I know, and you're my best friend.
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323. That's why it's funny that we would kiss,
because we wouldn't.
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324. So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?
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325. Um... Nobody.
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326. - Nobody?
- l... I was kidding, too.
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327. - That is funny.
- It's hilarious.
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328. - That is so funny.
- That is so funny.
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329. Oh! l...
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330. - You got...
- Yeah.
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331. - All right. So...
- Hey!
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332. Okay.
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333. Harsh.
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334. Well, come on, lan.
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335. You know what? I'm good. I'm just gonna...
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336. lan, come on, baby. Don't be shy.
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337. No, thanks. It looks like
you got your hands full there, so...
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338. Sure you don't want to
get in on this, bro?
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339. No, thanks, man.
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340. It looks like you fellows
got it all under control.
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341. So I'm just gonna skedaddle.
You all take care now.
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342. Lindsay, say hi to your mom.
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343. All right. See you later, buddy.
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344. lan. Dude, where you going?
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345. Shit.
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346. (CHUCKLES) Hey, Goldie, scoot over.
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347. - Hey, babe, you wanna party?
- I'm at a party.
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348. You should pee on us.
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349. Why don't you take a picture, lan?
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350. Yeah, and post it on
Totalfuckingawesomeness.com.
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351. Backslash-we-rule!
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352. Where'd you come up with that?
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353. - Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
- You just did.
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354. - Can I ask you another question?
- You just did again.
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355. - What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?
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356. Nice hair. It'll look even better in my crotch.
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357. - Dude, where you going?
- Come on.
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358. What's going on?
Something troubling you? Be a buddy.
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359. - I'm... All right, all right.
- You got to get over the monkey.
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360. Where do you guys get the confidence to,
like, hit on every girl you see?
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361. - 'Cause we're the shit.
- Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.
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362. - So where's Felicia?
- Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.
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363. - She's in...
- Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?
Copy !req
364. We're just friends.
Copy !req
365. - I'm uncircumcised.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
366. - I'm into you and I'm hard.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
367. - Hey, I was born to fertilize.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
368. - I'm a firefighter.
- GlRL: Fuck off!
Copy !req
369. Wait, I thought you took her to prom.
Copy !req
370. Yeah,
but it was a just-friends kind of thing.
Copy !req
371. You should bang her. We would.
Copy !req
372. Dude, we would bang her so hard.
Copy !req
373. We would take that ass and just...
Copy !req
374. Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you
if you're not into it.
Copy !req
375. Yeah. Hard.
Copy !req
376. - With our dicks!
- Yeah, our dicks are huge.
Copy !req
377. You could see them from space!
What's up?
Copy !req
378. - What's up?
- Hey, do you have a phone number?
Copy !req
379. You don't. Okay.
Copy !req
380. I'll call you from nationals.
Copy !req
381. Say it.
- You're my little donut girl.
Copy !req
382. - Bye, sexy.
- Yo, lan.
Copy !req
383. - You want to smell my finger?
- Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
384. Are you sure you got the right hole?
Copy !req
385. Kids.
Copy !req
386. Awesome.
Copy !req
387. Hmm... '69.
Copy !req
388. Whoa.
Copy !req
389. Don't puss out. Be cool.
Copy !req
390. I don't know.
Copy !req
391. That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!
Copy !req
392. Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.
Copy !req
393. Holy buckets.
Copy !req
394. She wants me to give her the D.
Copy !req
395. (SINGING) Well, honey
Copy !req
396. What ya got, Mr. Mans?
Copy !req
397. I got a lot of money
Copy !req
398. I don't see no keys in my hands
Copy !req
399. I just Wanna nasty girl
Copy !req
400. NoW tell me, is that nasty girl you?
Copy !req
401. Do you like What you see?
Copy !req
402. Could you be my nasty girl
and let me do that dirty dance With you?
Copy !req
403. I can love you long time
Copy !req
404. (SINGING) I like 'em all in shapes and sizes
Copy !req
405. And it don't make no difference to me
Copy !req
406. If you're short, tall, big or small
Long if there ain't no big surprises
Copy !req
407. Chances are you'll suit me to a T
Copy !req
408. Love beef.
Copy !req
409. Terry, phone call.
Copy !req
410. Dude, weren't you in my gym class?
What is it? Egan?
Copy !req
411. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Jordan.
Copy !req
412. Right. Whatever, scrotch.
You can't get your fist pregnant.
Copy !req
413. Russ, man, check it out.
Yo, look who's buying jimmys.
Copy !req
414. You want these gift-wrapped, Egan?
Copy !req
415. Just ring it up, man.
Copy !req
416. Karen, let me have that for you.
Copy !req
417. Dad, what did you do with my helmet?
Copy !req
418. lan, honey,
I made you some tollhouse cookies.
Copy !req
419. I'll just leave these here for you.
Copy !req
420. I'll get them later.
Copy !req
421. There's $40 in the cow for fun money,
Copy !req
422. so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.
Copy !req
423. Anytime. It's your home now.
Copy !req
424. Oh, dear.
Copy !req
425. - Dude.
- Hey.
Copy !req
426. What is going on with you?
You bought rubbers?
Copy !req
427. - How did you know that?
- It's on Russ Miller's blog.
Copy !req
428. Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.
Copy !req
429. What's the deal? Dude.
Copy !req
430. She wants me to meet her tonight
at the Big Boy in Knoxville.
Copy !req
431. This is a fucking written invitation
to your dick from the lnternet.
Copy !req
432. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
433. Seriously, dude, pack your shit.
We're going to Knoxville.
Copy !req
434. No. Stop it. Put these back.
Copy !req
435. This is the type of girl who has...
Copy !req
436. She has it shaved into a landing strip.
Copy !req
437. I can't deal with a landing strip.
Copy !req
438. Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean,
she could have anything under there.
Copy !req
439. There could be a little Hitler
or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.
Copy !req
440. But I'm guessing this chick is baby fresh.
Copy !req
441. You know, she doesn't even want me.
She wants him.
Copy !req
442. I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.
Copy !req
443. I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.
Copy !req
444. Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.
Copy !req
445. Maybe. But what if she's not?
Copy !req
446. You know, I mean, look, you've already
opened, and I could help you close.
Copy !req
447. We just need one thing.
Copy !req
448. lan, just look at this.
I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,
Copy !req
449. she's gonna drop an egg right there
in the Big Boy parking lot.
Copy !req
450. Hey, lan, come give me a hand with this.
Copy !req
451. Here. Strap that end down. Tight.
Copy !req
452. - The cord's too short.
- Put a little sack into it, powder puff.
Copy !req
453. - All right. Thanks, little brother.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
454. - Hey, lan.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
455. Did I hear something
about you wanting to borrow my car?
Copy !req
456. No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.
Copy !req
457. You sure?
Copy !req
458. You're my little brother, lan.
All you gotta do is ask.
Copy !req
459. Okay.
Copy !req
460. Could I use The Judge this weekend?
Copy !req
461. Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive
The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.
Copy !req
462. Let's go, Dad.
- What a dick.
Copy !req
463. You should take his carjust on principle.
Copy !req
464. What do you want me to do, you know?
Copy !req
465. I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it,
since I don't even know what that means.
Copy !req
466. What are you doing?
Copy !req
467. No. Lance, no! Put it back.
Did you just hear him? Please.
Copy !req
468. Come here, we're gonna have a talk.
Copy !req
469. She's only nine short hours away, okay?
Copy !req
470. We're gonna head down there tonight
and you're gonna put a dent in that shit.
Copy !req
471. lan's gonna treat it like it's meat
that needs tenderizing.
Copy !req
472. With his dick instead of a hammer.
Copy !req
473. You can pound it till it bleeds.
Copy !req
474. Yeah, it's just a fucking girl's mess,
and then we're gonna be...
Copy !req
475. - What're you doing?
Still rolling.
Copy !req
476. Who's gonna pound on it? Say it.
lan's gonna pound on it.
Copy !req
477. We're back tomorrow
before Rex even knows the car is gone.
Copy !req
478. Now, listen, these girls at Madison are
gonna be fucking at a college level.
Copy !req
479. I need you ready for that.
Copy !req
480. Wait! Put it... Put it back.
Copy !req
481. Back here.
Copy !req
482. For God's sake. You two rump rangers
couldn't wait five minutes?
Copy !req
483. Shit.
Copy !req
484. - Shit!
- Fuck!
Copy !req
485. I told her she could stay here this weekend.
Copy !req
486. Dude, what the hell?
Why are you driving Rex's car?
Copy !req
487. I thought me and...
Copy !req
488. - Are you bitching out on me?
- No.
Copy !req
489. - No.
- No.
Copy !req
490. Good. Well, then where are we going?
Copy !req
491. Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.
Copy !req
492. Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.
Copy !req
493. Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.
Copy !req
494. Dude, what the fuck?
Copy !req
495. - I don't want her along.
- Really?
Copy !req
496. You don't want to bring Yoko
on your sex trip?
Copy !req
497. Yeah, no shit.
She's always cock-blocking you.
Copy !req
498. No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
Copy !req
499. Okay, twat blocking.
Copy !req
500. Professor.
Copy !req
501. When will you
be coming back?
Copy !req
502. No, tomorrow.
Copy !req
503. When?
- No. Bye! God.
Copy !req
504. You guys
drive safe now. Bye!
Copy !req
505. So, what's in Tennessee?
Copy !req
506. My grandma has got some cancer.
Copy !req
507. - Grammy K?
- lAN: She's fine.
Copy !req
508. She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.
Copy !req
509. It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?
Copy !req
510. - It's foot cancer.
- She's got a little foot cancer.
Copy !req
511. She'll be hopping around in no time.
Copy !req
512. So what's she doing in Tennessee?
Copy !req
513. Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass
cancer center there.
Copy !req
514. - Yeah.
- Yeah, it's like... It's famous.
Copy !req
515. - Yeah.
- So if you ever get any cancer,
Copy !req
516. you should totally check it out.
Copy !req
517. I would.
Copy !req
518. So you want l-80 East and then
65 goes all the way through lndiana.
Copy !req
519. - So how's it feel?
- lAN: What?
Copy !req
520. I don't know, breaking the rules,
talking some shit, driving The Judge?
Copy !req
521. It feels pretty good.
Copy !req
522. (SINGING) I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw
Copy !req
523. I'm in the prime of my life
Copy !req
524. Let's make some music, make some money
Find some models for wives
Copy !req
525. This is our decision
To live fast and die young
Copy !req
526. We've got the vision
Now let's have some fun
Copy !req
527. I said, yeah, yeah, yeah
Copy !req
528. This dude wants to race.
Copy !req
529. Let's go, ladies.
Copy !req
530. Lance! Cut it out!
Come on, you don't know who's in there.
Copy !req
531. Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve
McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car.
Copy !req
532. I refuse to be embarrassed by a car
that looks like a Trapper Keeper.
Copy !req
533. I am not racing in my brother's car.
Copy !req
534. Holy shit.
Copy !req
535. What the hell is that?
Copy !req
536. Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.
Copy !req
537. And a chalupa!
Copy !req
538. Medium Coke!
Copy !req
539. Go right!
Copy !req
540. Turn the wipers on!
They are on.
Copy !req
541. They're not working!
Copy !req
542. Please, don't yell at me.
I'm doing the best I can.
Copy !req
543. - Winnebago!
- lAN: Where?
Copy !req
544. Winnebago! Winnebago!
Copy !req
545. Oh, my God, are you all right?
Copy !req
546. Yeah, nobody offer to help.
I got this under control.
Copy !req
547. - Are you all right?
- Do I look like I'm all right? Fuck!
Copy !req
548. You know what might make you feel better?
Putting 40 on pump two.
Copy !req
549. Hey. You okay in there?
Copy !req
550. God damn! My back teeth are snorkeling.
Copy !req
551. Sweet relief.
Copy !req
552. You got the shy bladder?
Copy !req
553. - Yeah.
- Damn.
Copy !req
554. Paruresis. That's what they call it.
Copy !req
555. Let me tell you something.
I didn't catch your name.
Copy !req
556. It's lan.
Copy !req
557. Let me tell you something, lan.
I had it something fierce.
Copy !req
558. You can do it, lan. You can do it.
Copy !req
559. Go running down by your sister.
Copy !req
560. Excuse me, ma'am, that was my pump.
Copy !req
561. Yeah? You move your meat,
you lose your seat. Hmm.
Copy !req
562. Logan, do not eat that.
You will fuck up your appetite!
Copy !req
563. Damn.
Copy !req
564. Listen, Reba.
Copy !req
565. if you value the rest of your teeth,
you will shut off that pump.
Copy !req
566. So I tells my daddy, "You know what?
You're not the boss of me.
Copy !req
567. "Not you, not Angie,"
that's that girl I was telling you about.
Copy !req
568. "And sure as hell not this bladder of mine."
Copy !req
569. Well, he looked at me,
and you should have...
Copy !req
570. lan. Where you going? Don't give up.
Copy !req
571. Jesus. I've been pissing for an hour.
Copy !req
572. - Another one for the collection.
- Cool. Thanks.
Copy !req
573. What?
Copy !req
574. It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.
Copy !req
575. Lance, what are you doing?
Copy !req
576. Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,
Copy !req
577. because I'm just trying to show
another human being a little compassion.
Copy !req
578. And my dick.
Copy !req
579. It's okay, baby. Just let those tears fall.
Copy !req
580. You know why?
'Cause our love will dry them up.
Copy !req
581. Love will keep us alive. Just like that song.
You know that song?
Copy !req
582. That's our song now.
That song represents our bond.
Copy !req
583. Don Henley's words represent our love.
Copy !req
584. What have you got?
Copy !req
585. Hey, kid, where you from?
Copy !req
586. - I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago.
- Are you two married. No?
Copy !req
587. - No, we're just friends. We're amigos.
- You make a good couple.
Copy !req
588. She's pretty. Marry that girl.
Copy !req
589. See my lady and I here,
we've been married forever.
Copy !req
590. And I tell you she was gorgeous.
Copy !req
591. The first day I saw her,
I said, "This is gonna be my wife."
Copy !req
592. And you know what? It happened.
Copy !req
593. I tell you,
that was a very good year for corn.
Copy !req
594. Made lots of money.
Copy !req
595. I fixed my 4X4 and bought my lady
a sexy French lingerie.
Copy !req
596. Boy, those were the best six bucks
I ever spent.
Copy !req
597. You kids want to help yourself
to a can of Purple?
Copy !req
598. - Purple sounds great, lan. Purple?
- Yeah, I can go...
Copy !req
599. Say, the boys still hanging?
Copy !req
600. - You ever had a peppermint fatty?
- No. Let's have that.
Copy !req
601. See how that shoe fits.
Copy !req
602. Oh my God. Do you have a degree in this?
Copy !req
603. You know that thing,
when runners say they break the wall?
Copy !req
604. You know, and it's all good after that?
Copy !req
605. I feel like that
when my dick's in your mouth.
Copy !req
606. It actually says Purple Soda.
Copy !req
607. Bad boy.
Copy !req
608. You like him, don't you?
Copy !req
609. - What? Who?
- Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?
Copy !req
610. Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.
Copy !req
611. I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.
Copy !req
612. Brandy!
Uh-oh!
Copy !req
613. Brandy! Shit.
Copy !req
614. - Howdy.
- Howdy.
Copy !req
615. Mr. McBroom. Ma'am.
Where the fuck's Brandy at?
Copy !req
616. - You ever hear of a rolling brown-out?
- No. Let's try it.
Copy !req
617. You bleach that.
Copy !req
618. Wait. No, no, no, no! Nothing brown!
Nothing brown! Nothing brown!
Copy !req
619. What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?
Copy !req
620. No, but I'm gonna
pummel his ass real good.
Copy !req
621. There you go. There you go.
Copy !req
622. Hey!
Copy !req
623. I have to go to church.
Copy !req
624. Come on, baby! Open the goddamn door!
Copy !req
625. All right, this is not what it looks like.
It was a project for school.
Copy !req
626. Purple Soda!
Copy !req
627. Wiener!
Copy !req
628. Ow!
Copy !req
629. There you are.
Copy !req
630. Come on, come on.
I do not want to die naked.
Copy !req
631. Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
Copy !req
632. Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!
Copy !req
633. I'm gonna ask you this just one time.
Did she give you the nugget?
Copy !req
634. Hey, hold on!
Copy !req
635. Come on, man, she's not worth it.
Copy !req
636. She's just gonna shit all over you.
Trust me.
Copy !req
637. - She touch your butthole?
- No, no. Jesus, no!
Copy !req
638. - Let's see!
- I thought she was a man. I'm gay.
Copy !req
639. I'm gay as hell.
Copy !req
640. Eat bat, dickhead!
Copy !req
641. Holy shit!
Copy !req
642. lan just killed that guy.
Copy !req
643. Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?
Copy !req
644. Look, I have my insurance card.
I'm sorry. We're from out of town.
Copy !req
645. I couldn't see you through the corn.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
646. Where the hell's the road?
It feels like left.
Copy !req
647. I told you we didn't have time for this,
Copy !req
648. - but all you care about is your stupid dick.
- lan.
Copy !req
649. And you leave us out there
with her mom's weird soda.
Copy !req
650. - lan.
- And her dad's balls in plain view...
Copy !req
651. lan, lan, whip a shitty!
Copy !req
652. Motherfucker!
Copy !req
653. Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!
Copy !req
654. Oh, my God, lan, amazing driving.
Lance, you suck!
Copy !req
655. Where the hell are we?
Where are the Google maps?
Copy !req
656. - They're in my pants.
- Which are?
Copy !req
657. In the trailer.
Copy !req
658. Mmm-hmm. Great.
Copy !req
659. Shit. I got gum in my bush.
Copy !req
660. Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can
show us back to the highway.
Copy !req
661. - lan, do not pick up a hitchhiker.
- Don't worry, I won't.
Copy !req
662. No, no, no.
Copy !req
663. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
664. Hey! Thanks for the lift, man.
I've been out there for hours.
Copy !req
665. Not one car. Can you believe it?
Copy !req
666. - Listen, sir, we didn't...
- You're good people.
Copy !req
667. - Guy, you're not wearing any pants.
- Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
668. Right on.
Copy !req
669. Let's go. We better go.
Copy !req
670. Hey, you got my stuff.
Copy !req
671. Hey, real quick, guys,
what's the story of the girl?
Copy !req
672. - I'm 25 years old.
- I don't know what he's talking about.
Copy !req
673. I got nothing. There's no bars.
You know, it probably just needs water.
Copy !req
674. Got any in the trunk?
Copy !req
675. Hey, sweetheart, men are talking.
We got this one.
Copy !req
676. Yeah, thanks,
but this happened to my brother's car once
Copy !req
677. - and you just piss in the radiator.
- Really?
Copy !req
678. Yeah.
Copy !req
679. Oh, God! Damn it!
Copy !req
680. - Are you okay?
- Fuck. Yeah.
Copy !req
681. That's a lesson learned.
Copy !req
682. You can watch,
if you're into that kind of thing.
Copy !req
683. Wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen
your dick enough for one day.
Copy !req
684. - lAN: Do you hear that? There's a ringing.
- Your loss. It's like razor blades.
Copy !req
685. What? There's ants down here. FYl.
Copy !req
686. All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.
Copy !req
687. Okay. Go away.
Copy !req
688. Dude, seriously? Still?
I thought you got over this shit.
Copy !req
689. You're a grown man.
Copy !req
690. (WHlSPERlNG) Flowing river, gentle stream.
Flowing river, gentle stream.
Copy !req
691. - Yo, stage fright, how're we doing?
- Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.
Copy !req
692. Excuse me.
We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.
Copy !req
693. - Why?
- We just do.
Copy !req
694. I'm sorry. I just took a squirt
a couple of minutes ago.
Copy !req
695. You want me to shit in it?
Copy !req
696. - We'll get back to you on that one.
- All right.
Copy !req
697. - I'm telling you, I could shit right now.
- Awesome.
Copy !req
698. Our new friend's got nothing left
in the tank.
Copy !req
699. What?
Copy !req
700. No. Guys, come on.
I don't have the aim that you do.
Copy !req
701. Every drop helps so much.
Copy !req
702. Hey, look what I found in my bag.
Copy !req
703. Thank God.
Copy !req
704. - No!
- What the fuck are you doing?
Copy !req
705. You all just wait 20 minutes
and I'll top it off for you.
Copy !req
706. Could be ten.
Copy !req
707. Fine, fine. Okay.
But if any of you pervs peek,
Copy !req
708. I swear to God it will be
your last conscious act.
Copy !req
709. Shit.
Copy !req
710. You kids need some help?
Copy !req
711. Hi.
Copy !req
712. Are you okay?
Copy !req
713. Yeah, I'm great.
I just beaved a family of four.
Copy !req
714. Try it.
Copy !req
715. All set?
Copy !req
716. Look, I'm sorry, sir,
but we can't give you a ride.
Copy !req
717. I'm gonna say this once.
Copy !req
718. You unlock this fucking car,
or God is my witness,
Copy !req
719. I'll stake you all to the ground,
Copy !req
720. cut you open and let the dogs get at you.
Copy !req
721. Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
722. Bye-bye.
Copy !req
723. Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Copy !req
724. What happened?
It's stuck.
Copy !req
725. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
726. That didn't work out like you planned,
did it?
Copy !req
727. You know what? Mostly I'm disappointed.
It shows zero character.
Copy !req
728. I know, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
729. And you're a dick.
Copy !req
730. You're a dick. You know what, ma'am?
You're a dick, too.
Copy !req
731. - Here's that pee you ordered.
- Roll them up.
Copy !req
732. - There you go, Tex.
You're soaked with pee.
Copy !req
733. Quick car wash?
Copy !req
734. - God!
Gross.
Copy !req
735. It smells like beefjerky. You know?
Copy !req
736. It's just got like that sour sweetness.
Copy !req
737. How can nobody go down a road
for an hour and a half?
Copy !req
738. Why did they even make this stupid road?
Copy !req
739. It's so hot out here.
Copy !req
740. Ow!
Copy !req
741. Oh, my God, your head.
Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.
Copy !req
742. Yes. It hurts.
Copy !req
743. - What is that?
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
744. Wow.
Copy !req
745. That is so beautiful.
Copy !req
746. Need some help?
Copy !req
747. - Yeah, but no offense...
- Right, 'cause I'm Amish,
Copy !req
748. so I wouldn't know anything
about your '69 GTO Judge.
Copy !req
749. 455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi,
something like that.
Copy !req
750. Weird, that thing must have fallen
straight from space.
Copy !req
751. Well, good luck with the future ride,
spaceman.
Copy !req
752. Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.
Copy !req
753. Wow!
Copy !req
754. Okay.
Copy !req
755. What are you doing? Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.
Copy !req
756. - What?
- Come on.
Copy !req
757. You don't know how far we have to walk.
Those are your only pair of shoes.
Copy !req
758. You know what? You're probably right.
God, you're so sensible.
Copy !req
759. But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?
Copy !req
760. I should.
Copy !req
761. I can't believe you just did that.
Copy !req
762. So he met this chick on the lnternet,
which is sketchy.
Copy !req
763. The lnternet?
Copy !req
764. Yeah, it's like a series of computers
that are connected through...
Copy !req
765. Computers?
Copy !req
766. A computer is like a big calculator,
you know, with the screen.
Copy !req
767. I'm just busting your balls, man.
I know what the lnternet is.
Copy !req
768. - Okay.
- You ever heard of Rumspringa?
Copy !req
769. Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.
Copy !req
770. No, it means "run wild." It's an Amish
tradition where when we turn 16,
Copy !req
771. we can go live like you heathens
for a while.
Copy !req
772. You go nuts, party for months or years
till your folks start hassling you,
Copy !req
773. and then it's back to the Stone Age.
Copy !req
774. But if you're on Rumspringa,
what's with the buggy?
Copy !req
775. Oh, no. I'm not. Not anymore.
Copy !req
776. I probably shouldn't even be
talking to you but...
Copy !req
777. I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.
Copy !req
778. - Sometimes I just miss the world.
- What do you miss the most?
Copy !req
779. You know, I miss sarcasm.
It's mostly lost on my people.
Copy !req
780. Oh.
Copy !req
781. And gambling. Went to Vegas once.
And buttfucking.
Copy !req
782. Have a lot of nice memories there.
Copy !req
783. I hear that.
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
784. Buttfucking.
Copy !req
785. Wait, are we talking about dudes?
Copy !req
786. - No.
- Okay. Then yeah.
Copy !req
787. I mean, unless that's what you're into,
and then, whatever.
Copy !req
788. - It's not.
- No?
Copy !req
789. No.
Copy !req
790. - Not into dudes.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
791. - How old are you?
- Old enough.
Copy !req
792. How old are you?
Copy !req
793. This is gonna happen.
Copy !req
794. It's gonna happen
whether you fight it or not.
Copy !req
795. So I kind of want you to fight it.
Copy !req
796. Cut.
Copy !req
797. - All right. Now you.
- No way. Forget it.
Copy !req
798. Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.
Copy !req
799. Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country
to go to...
Copy !req
800. To visit your grandma? Whoa!
Copy !req
801. So anyway, we're there and she's like...
Copy !req
802. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
803. Like, she won't stop crying.
Copy !req
804. - That's the funniest thing, too.
- I know.
Copy !req
805. I know, I was with this stripper in Vegas,
and I was like, "you want this?"
Copy !req
806. So she's like, "Yeah, I want it, I want it."
Copy !req
807. And I was like,
yeah, this gets hotter by the second.
Copy !req
808. "What're you crying about?" She's like,
"... wanted to be a doctor."
Copy !req
809. And I'm like,
"Yeah, you're a fucking Ph.D. of cock."
Copy !req
810. - Yeah.
- Yeah, exactly.
Copy !req
811. And then coercing my load
out on to the crying face.
Copy !req
812. Vegas in general is just... Good times.
Copy !req
813. You can get a blowjob for $10.
Copy !req
814. Or for free if you meet the right girl
and tell her "I'm on Rumspringa."
Copy !req
815. "What is this blowjob that you speak of?"
Copy !req
816. "Your techno music beguiles me."
Copy !req
817. Let me put it in your butt.
Copy !req
818. You know, when you cut your foot on
a piece of glass,
Copy !req
819. - don't think I'm gonna carry you.
- You know what? I will be fine. Okay?
Copy !req
820. - I was born barefoot.
- Hey! Wait!
Copy !req
821. Hey! Stop!
Copy !req
822. Have a nice walk, shit-birds.
Copy !req
823. Oh!
Copy !req
824. Hey, lan, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.
Copy !req
825. What up, English?
Copy !req
826. There's no service out here.
Copy !req
827. - I can't even tell her I'll be late.
- Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.
Copy !req
828. You don't want to come off as desperate.
Copy !req
829. I'm driving nine hours.
How am I not coming off desperate?
Copy !req
830. - We had shit to do.
- Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?
Copy !req
831. You blew your head gasket.
That's not good.
Copy !req
832. - Shit.
- Don't cry. We can fix it.
Copy !req
833. - Really?
- Yeah, really. We're good at it.
Copy !req
834. - Yeah?
- Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,
Copy !req
835. but it's an impressive thing.
Copy !req
836. - Yeah. We'll fix it.
- Wow, that'd be cool.
Copy !req
837. Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?
I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
Copy !req
838. - Wow.
- Wow.
Copy !req
839. - Thank you.
- Yeah. You're welcome.
Copy !req
840. That's what you say
when people do nice things for you.
Copy !req
841. You know, there's a pretty big shindig
shaping up next door
Copy !req
842. if you guys want to hang there
while we work on it.
Copy !req
843. Take it easy while we do all this for you.
Copy !req
844. - Does he have an attitude?
- No, he's fucking with you.
Copy !req
845. Okay.
Copy !req
846. Just relax, man.
I got a good feeling about this, you know.
Copy !req
847. You're gonna party with the Amish.
Copy !req
848. Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be
one kick-ass quilting bee.
Copy !req
849. What's up, man?
Copy !req
850. - Hey.
- No f-ing way!
Copy !req
851. (SlNGlNG) When I'm home alone
I just can't stop myself
Copy !req
852. - This is insane!
- I know.
Copy !req
853. Signing off, "I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better With a pen"
Copy !req
854. I'm all right in bed, but I'm better With a pen
Copy !req
855. The kid Was all right, but it Went to his head
Copy !req
856. Thank you, guys, very, very, very much.
You guys fucking rule, man.
Copy !req
857. Dude. Don't even bother.
Your game is not gonna work on that girl.
Copy !req
858. What do you know about girls?
I've never even seen you with a girl.
Copy !req
859. I'm gonna go check on the car.
Copy !req
860. Yeah, fuck it. Let's dance.
Copy !req
861. - Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize.
- Come on. Don't be hating.
Copy !req
862. Fine.
Copy !req
863. So at this point,
her panties are off,
Copy !req
864. but I'm still apprehensive
about her husband being there,
Copy !req
865. 'cause he is just staring at me.
Copy !req
866. Whoa! Hey, what is this?
Why are the seats out?
Copy !req
867. lan, do you know anything
about fixing these old Pontiacs?
Copy !req
868. I don't care, okay?
Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just
Copy !req
869. - put them back in there. I don't want...
- lan, you've gotta calm down.
Copy !req
870. Do you know any breathing exercises?
Copy !req
871. Because you are right on the verge
of a freak-out.
Copy !req
872. You don't know my brother, okay? He's
gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters.
Copy !req
873. What? He's gonna what? With what?
Copy !req
874. Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early,
and he's gonna walk into the bank,
Copy !req
875. stand in line, change a 10,
Copy !req
876. find my ass and just fuck it
with a roll of fucking quarters.
Copy !req
877. Yeah, witness sucks!
Copy !req
878. We've got to get that guy laid tonight.
Copy !req
879. ls your sister still a slut?
Copy !req
880. Check it out. It's totally working.
Copy !req
881. You're the best wing-man ever.
Copy !req
882. She's in, she's in. Watch this.
Copy !req
883. Rumspringa! Whoo!
Copy !req
884. - I took a wicked digger.
- Yes, you did.
Copy !req
885. I think you may have had a little too much
to drink. Maybe you should...
Copy !req
886. Maybe you should shut your face hole
'cause I've only had one beer ever.
Copy !req
887. - First day of Rumspringa?
- Rumspringa!
Copy !req
888. - Uh-oh!
- Oh!
Copy !req
889. Hey.
Copy !req
890. - All right. Okay. You good? All right.
- Aw! You guys are so nice.
Copy !req
891. Don't let her step in it.
Copy !req
892. I love you guys 'cause you're awesome.
Copy !req
893. 'Cause you're awesome.
Copy !req
894. Let's just find a safe place to sleep it off.
Copy !req
895. What? What's wrong with you?
Copy !req
896. - Yeah, what's your problem, bitch?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
Copy !req
897. Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.
Copy !req
898. - It's Lance, right?
- No.
Copy !req
899. I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl
and you're out here.
Copy !req
900. Wrong.
Copy !req
901. Come on, Leesh, just drop
the hard-ass thing for two minutes.
Copy !req
902. You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.
Copy !req
903. - God, I'm such an idiot.
- Look, there's something about Lance.
Copy !req
904. Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.
Copy !req
905. Just promise me
you won't ever be like Lance.
Copy !req
906. What is wrong with us?
Let's go have some fun. Come on.
Copy !req
907. - No. No.
- No?
Copy !req
908. Come on, we're young, and we're Amish,
and it's Rumspringa.
Copy !req
909. Rumspringa!
Copy !req
910. lan, you little cock-sucker!
Copy !req
911. Ah!
Copy !req
912. Leesh, you're so stubborn.
Look at your feet.
Copy !req
913. They are fine. All right?
Copy !req
914. Hey. What's the plan?
Copy !req
915. I might as well find a phone and call Rex
Copy !req
916. - so he can get on with killing me.
- What about visiting your grandma?
Copy !req
917. Yeah, dude. You been putting off
visiting your grandma for too long.
Copy !req
918. - It's about time you visited Grandma.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
919. Lance, you know,
I really do want to visit my grandma, but...
Copy !req
920. Dude, I really can't stress enough how
much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.
Copy !req
921. You know, I visit my grandma sometimes
two or three times a week,
Copy !req
922. and it is always a pleasure.
She's just a delight.
Copy !req
923. What am I supposed to do?
Copy !req
924. Our transportation is all over the floor
of that barn.
Copy !req
925. Hey, Mary!
Copy !req
926. Hi.
Copy !req
927. Wow, you look beautiful.
Copy !req
928. Oh, please.
Copy !req
929. I mean, seriously, you wearing that,
churning some butter. Sexy.
Copy !req
930. So I had the best time with you last night.
Copy !req
931. Yeah, me, too.
Copy !req
932. So you got my number.
You're gonna call me, right?
Copy !req
933. No.
Copy !req
934. "No." You're funny.
Copy !req
935. I mean, Lance, I really like you,
but Rumspringa's over for me.
Copy !req
936. - So...
- Rumspringa!
Copy !req
937. Sorry.
Copy !req
938. You fixed it?
Copy !req
939. Yeah, we hit a few snags,
but she's banging like a champ now.
Copy !req
940. Man, I don't even...
I don't even know what to say here.
Copy !req
941. You know, I don't really have much...
Copy !req
942. Oh, no, we're good. We're good.
Copy !req
943. I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor,
that's a gift.
Copy !req
944. Man, you're too... Here, thanks.
Thank you so much.
Copy !req
945. - You're welcome.
- Thank you, it's really cool.
Copy !req
946. It is. You know, I mean,
Copy !req
947. if you felt the need to reciprocate
in some way,
Copy !req
948. I mean, there's a lot of chores
that need to be done around here.
Copy !req
949. Yeah, no, the only thing about that is
we're kind of behind schedule right now.
Copy !req
950. Yeah, but, I mean,
we could totally come back.
Copy !req
951. - We could hit you on our way back through.
- Okay.
Copy !req
952. Yeah, you should.
You should really get on the road.
Copy !req
953. I mean, you got a smooth-running
vehicle now, you know, 'cause we fixed it.
Copy !req
954. - Yeah. No, but it's... So we're good?
- We're good. Yeah, technically.
Copy !req
955. I mean, we fixed your car for free,
and you're leaving.
Copy !req
956. So I'd say that makes us dead square.
Copy !req
957. We'll come back. I promise.
Copy !req
958. - I'm looking forward to that.
- Hey, no, seriously, we will.
Copy !req
959. Okay. We'll all hold our breath
till you get back.
Copy !req
960. On three, guys. Three, two...
Copy !req
961. My stomach's killing me.
Tell me if you see a rest stop.
Copy !req
962. You know, I really feel sorry for Mary
Copy !req
963. because her lifestyle is keeping her
from being happy.
Copy !req
964. And that's no way to live.
Copy !req
965. Lance, don't you know your little theory of
"People want what they can't get."
Copy !req
966. That's all she is. lan, gas station.
Copy !req
967. No. Felicia, this is different okay,
because she changed me.
Copy !req
968. You know, I'm a butterfly now
because of her.
Copy !req
969. Because when I'm with her,
I was like a spiritually whole human being.
Copy !req
970. And if you don't believe that,
you can suck my dick.
Copy !req
971. Fuck. I know you didn't take my car, lan.
Copy !req
972. 'Cause you're a big, giant pussy.
That's right.
Copy !req
973. I'm gonna lift up this door
and my big fucking glorious bitchy Judge
Copy !req
974. is gonna be sitting right there
gleaming at me,
Copy !req
975. or I'm gonna have the fucking
neighborhood squirrels eat your asshole.
Copy !req
976. Want some of this?
Copy !req
977. He took my fucking baby.
Copy !req
978. Cocksucker!
Copy !req
979. Shit!
Copy !req
980. Hey, Knievel, what say you get
your bike out of the fricking road?
Copy !req
981. (SINGING) Hey! Hey!
Copy !req
982. All ocupado, sport?
Copy !req
983. Sounds like
someone's got one in sideways.
Copy !req
984. Gents.
Copy !req
985. Well, looks like we're up.
Go on, get in there.
Copy !req
986. Oh!
Copy !req
987. Am I getting a signal?
Copy !req
988. Tasty, I got sidetracked last night.
Copy !req
989. I had to party with some new homies.
Copy !req
990. Tonight, 8:00 p.m. at Big Boy.
Copy !req
991. I'm worth the wait.
Copy !req
992. Yes!
Copy !req
993. No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!
Copy !req
994. Hello? Little buddy? Hello.
Copy !req
995. Spooner. Spooner. Spooner.
Copy !req
996. Was that you screaming in there?
- I don't want to talk about it. Ever.
Copy !req
997. - Where's Felicia?
- She went to get corn dogs.
Copy !req
998. Can you believe
the girls around here, man?
Copy !req
999. But, man, where am I ever gonna find
another girl as cool as Mary?
Copy !req
1000. You like it?
Copy !req
1001. - What about Felicia?
- What about her?
Copy !req
1002. - She's into you.
- Yeah, no shit. Get in line.
Copy !req
1003. What is that?
She's not good enough for you?
Copy !req
1004. Felicia's awesome,
Copy !req
1005. but the obvious statement to make here
is that you like her.
Copy !req
1006. - What? No, l...
- You're shocked. You can't believe it.
Copy !req
1007. - This bombshell. Come on.
- You know, she's not into me anyways.
Copy !req
1008. Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter.
I still... I could never do that to you.
Copy !req
1009. Okay, but you do know
that she's not into you, right?
Copy !req
1010. - Yeah. Well, maybe you don't know.
- No. No, no, I'm gonna stop you.
Copy !req
1011. There's no maybe. Okay?
And I'm saying this as your best friend,
Copy !req
1012. but never. Never fucking ever. You know?
Copy !req
1013. Because you guys are friends.
Copy !req
1014. You know what every girl
I've ever banged had in common?
Copy !req
1015. I wasn't friends with any of them.
Copy !req
1016. And usually they have awesome tits,
but not always.
Copy !req
1017. Sometimes you get that bronze medal,
you know?
Copy !req
1018. Real simple.
Climb the rope, hit the bell, win a prize.
Copy !req
1019. Hey, there, Bilbo Baggins,
there's no height requirement.
Copy !req
1020. Why don't you step up
and win your girlfriend a prize?
Copy !req
1021. We're not... She's not my girlfriend.
Copy !req
1022. - What about your other girlfriend there?
- Nice.
Copy !req
1023. All right, come on, lan. You can do it.
Copy !req
1024. Come on, you're almost there!
You're almost there! Go, go, go!
Copy !req
1025. Winner! Winner! Winner!
Copy !req
1026. - That was awesome.
- How the hell did you do that?
Copy !req
1027. We had one of these at Cub Scout camp.
I kind of mastered it.
Copy !req
1028. Yeah, you think you're hot shit?
Copy !req
1029. - Lolly?
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1030. Hey, hey, hey, ass.
Copy !req
1031. Hey. What's your secret?
Copy !req
1032. You just...
if you keep your shoulders down...
Copy !req
1033. - No coaching.
- What?
Copy !req
1034. No coaching there, Lombardi.
Read the sign.
Copy !req
1035. No coaching.
Copy !req
1036. Cheese and rice!
Copy !req
1037. Oh!
Copy !req
1038. - Thanks. I'm Sandy.
- I'm lan.
Copy !req
1039. - Hi.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1040. - Consolation prize?
- Wow! Thank you so much.
Copy !req
1041. You know, my dance team's performing
over at the tent in a couple of minutes.
Copy !req
1042. You guys should come watch.
Copy !req
1043. - Actually, we were just about to go.
- That sounds super fun. He'll be there.
Copy !req
1044. Great. See you.
Copy !req
1045. Dude, that girl reeks of sex.
Copy !req
1046. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1047. Hey, Harry Potter,
take you and your girlfriends out of here.
Copy !req
1048. What are you looking at, Ellen DeGeneres?
I will crush you.
Copy !req
1049. That's right. I'm not afraid to hit a lady.
Copy !req
1050. (SINGING)
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Copy !req
1051. Why don't they just let me live?
Copy !req
1052. I don't need permission
Copy !req
1053. - Do we really have time for...
- Hey, hey.
Copy !req
1054. You have to stop doing that to him.
Copy !req
1055. - Doing what?
- Twat blocking.
Copy !req
1056. I'm not twat... Doing that.
Copy !req
1057. Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!
Copy !req
1058. Come on, girls,
let's help me get some fellas up in here.
Copy !req
1059. - lan.
- Oh, no. Please.
Copy !req
1060. Get up there. Come on.
Copy !req
1061. Come on!
Copy !req
1062. In the back! In the back!
Copy !req
1063. Yeah!
Copy !req
1064. Come on, two more, two more!
Copy !req
1065. Yeah!
Copy !req
1066. Dude, turn around.
Copy !req
1067. Look at this fine crop
of handsome fellas I got here.
Copy !req
1068. But before We get doWn to business,
Copy !req
1069. there's a young Woman here
Copy !req
1070. Who Would like to share her story
With these young men.
Copy !req
1071. - Kristy, you ready, baby?
- Okay.
Copy !req
1072. So, last year I was at a dance
With my boyfriend.
Copy !req
1073. He Wanted to go to his car.
Copy !req
1074. So I did.
Copy !req
1075. So we were both naked in the back seat
and We started having oral...
Copy !req
1076. Yeah!
Copy !req
1077. Daddy likes that!
Copy !req
1078. Excuse me!
Copy !req
1079. Excuse me!
Is this tragic story turning you on?
Copy !req
1080. This courageous young lady pours
her heart out and this is getting you hot?
Copy !req
1081. It's time for you to pledge. Right noW!
Copy !req
1082. Boy, you need this more than anybody.
Copy !req
1083. Hey, keep a wrinkle in it, captain.
Copy !req
1084. I can't believe you took
a fucking abstinence pledge with a hard-on.
Copy !req
1085. It's classic.
Copy !req
1086. Look, I didn't even know what she was
talking about. That doesn't count! Okay?
Copy !req
1087. - lan! Hey!
- It gets better.
Copy !req
1088. I am so proud of you!
Copy !req
1089. Get away from me. Is that what you do?
Copy !req
1090. You go out and you lure little dorks like me
into your little no-having-sex club?
Copy !req
1091. lan, it's not like that at all.
Copy !req
1092. Just go away. Now.
Copy !req
1093. - I would've eaten your asshole, you know.
- Really?
Copy !req
1094. - Oh, man.
- Wow.
Copy !req
1095. You can keep your stupid
flipping lollipop, anyway!
Copy !req
1096. - You are dead, psycho-virgin!
- No, no!
Copy !req
1097. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
1098. Hey, are you sure you want to get
dental work done in Floater, Kentucky?
Copy !req
1099. Dr. Teddescoe will be with you present-like.
Copy !req
1100. - Thank you.
- Welcome.
Copy !req
1101. Fine, okay, you were right.
My feet are killing me,
Copy !req
1102. and I never should've tossed my shoes.
Copy !req
1103. No, come on.
I love that your shoes are in that tree.
Copy !req
1104. I do. That's premium Felicia.
Copy !req
1105. Felicia Alpine.
Copy !req
1106. Oh.
Copy !req
1107. - So what'd you do to her?
- Hmm?
Copy !req
1108. Smack her around a little bit?
Copy !req
1109. She gets out of line, you pop her one?
Copy !req
1110. - No. No, sir, l...
- I got you. I'm just teasing you, man.
Copy !req
1111. We have fun.
Copy !req
1112. - He didn't, though, did he?
- Hmm? Mmm-mmm.
Copy !req
1113. Blink twice if you feel you're in danger.
Copy !req
1114. Be back in a couple minutes.
I'm gonna wait for that to numb up.
Copy !req
1115. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1116. Hands to yourself, O.J.
Copy !req
1117. lan, you know the other night
at Lance's party?
Copy !req
1118. - Was I there?
- No, come on.
Copy !req
1119. Here.
Copy !req
1120. I mean, you know the only reason is
because I don't want to ruin our friendship.
Copy !req
1121. Totally, I mean friendship is awesome.
Good call.
Copy !req
1122. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.
Copy !req
1123. - You won't.
- What are you thinking about?
Copy !req
1124. - What are you thinking about?
- I asked you first.
Copy !req
1125. You got a little loogie.
Copy !req
1126. I'm gonna go see if Lance...
Copy !req
1127. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1128. Go. Go.
Copy !req
1129. Um, I'll take these as well.
Copy !req
1130. They're not for me. They're not.
Copy !req
1131. - Heads up.
- What's with you?
Copy !req
1132. I'm thinking maybe we head back home.
Copy !req
1133. What? Why?
Copy !req
1134. Well, Felicia and I were talking in there,
Copy !req
1135. - and we kind of had a moment.
- Oh! Oh, did you guys have a little moment?
Copy !req
1136. - Yeah.
- You're a moron.
Copy !req
1137. Fuck you. We've talked about this.
Copy !req
1138. Look, we're almost there,
and I'm not letting her do this.
Copy !req
1139. We're going to Knoxville,
and you're getting your nut.
Copy !req
1140. No, I'm not. I'm not.
Copy !req
1141. No, I'm gonna text Tasty,
and I'm gonna tell her I'm not coming.
Copy !req
1142. - lan, get in this car.
- I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
Copy !req
1143. Shit, where's my phone?
Hey, you got a new smile.
Copy !req
1144. You have my phone. I didn't know...
This is for you.
Copy !req
1145. Mmm! A message came in.
Copy !req
1146. Your grandma says she's really excited
to see you.
Copy !req
1147. And something about her hot,
shaved pussy.
Copy !req
1148. Must be the cancer talking.
Copy !req
1149. All right. Good deal.
We're going to Knoxville.
Copy !req
1150. (SINGING)
All I've got is frustration, frustration
Copy !req
1151. I hate this vacation
Copy !req
1152. So, give up, give up
Give up, give up
Copy !req
1153. I've got to get aWay from here
It's killing me just thinking 'bout
Copy !req
1154. Frustration, frustration
I hate this vacation...
Copy !req
1155. lan, you're going the wrong way.
Copy !req
1156. - We're going home.
- What?
Copy !req
1157. Please, do not turn around
because of me. Okay.
Copy !req
1158. - Yeah, no shit.
- I'm dying to see Ms. Tasty.
Copy !req
1159. This is going to be hilarious.
Copy !req
1160. A hundred bucks says she has a wiener.
Copy !req
1161. Look, I said we're going home.
I don't want to talk about it.
Copy !req
1162. I knew you'd find some way
to fuck this up for him.
Copy !req
1163. (LlSPlNG) Me? You two are fucking scheming
behind my back.
Copy !req
1164. - No, we're not.
- Okay. You stole Rex's car.
Copy !req
1165. You drove halfway across the country.
Copy !req
1166. This must be what you want to do.
So do it, chicken shit!
Copy !req
1167. - (LlSPlNG) Fucking A, chicken shit.
- Fine! You know what?
Copy !req
1168. I'll turn the car around, I'll flip a bitch,
and I'll go pork somebody. Right now.
Copy !req
1169. I'll be that guy. Is that what you want?
Copy !req
1170. - Be that guy! That guy rules.
Sounds awesome.
Copy !req
1171. - That would make me so happy.
- All right. All right. Fantastic! I'm doing it.
Copy !req
1172. Watch out, lan! Fuck!
Watch it, lan!
Copy !req
1173. Whoo!
Copy !req
1174. - lAN: You like that?
- Did your fucking balls just drop?
Copy !req
1175. Holy shit, lan.
Copy !req
1176. - Oh, man, it's this douche again.
- You want it? You got it.
Copy !req
1177. - Hold on to your pantyhose.
- Okay, we gotta work on your banter,
Copy !req
1178. but otherwise, this is awesome.
Copy !req
1179. - You're losing him.
- No, I got him. I got him.
Copy !req
1180. - Jesus, lan! Not so close.
- God damn it!
Copy !req
1181. No way, man! You're dead.
Copy !req
1182. Sorry. He's all right.
Copy !req
1183. This guy's fucking dangerous!
Copy !req
1184. Where is he? Talk to me, dudes.
Copy !req
1185. Right up our ass. He's in our ass.
Copy !req
1186. He's tagging out.
- Ladies!
Copy !req
1187. lan, look out!
Copy !req
1188. Oh! Oh!
Copy !req
1189. God damn it.
Copy !req
1190. What were you doing, man? Shit.
Copy !req
1191. Dude, take it easy. This wasn't your fault.
He jumped right in front of you.
Copy !req
1192. Just shut up, Lance. Of course it's my fault.
Copy !req
1193. Now, come on, man,
this possum's not gonna fuck you.
Copy !req
1194. We gotta go find Ms. Tasty.
Copy !req
1195. He's suffering, Lance. I'm not gonna
leave him here by himself. Okay?
Copy !req
1196. Okay. You're right.
Copy !req
1197. We gotta help him.
We gotta call a vet or something.
Copy !req
1198. lan, look at him.
There's not a lot that we can do.
Copy !req
1199. You may want to cover your eyes,
sweetheart, there could be some splatter.
Copy !req
1200. - What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm gonna take him out of his misery.
Copy !req
1201. They don't make little wheelchairs for him.
He's done, man.
Copy !req
1202. Fuck you, Lance.
God, you don't even give a shit about him.
Copy !req
1203. I'll do it.
Copy !req
1204. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1205. All possums go to heaven.
Copy !req
1206. Uh... lan. It... I think it's still...
Copy !req
1207. Shit.
Copy !req
1208. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1209. lan, I'm so sorry, it's...
Copy !req
1210. Oh, God! Jesus fucking... God damn it!
I'm trying to do the right thing here.
Copy !req
1211. - He's really hanging in there.
- God! Fuck!
Copy !req
1212. You know, Jamie Lynn Spears' baby
has got to be about a year old now.
Copy !req
1213. I can't believe she had a fucking baby.
Copy !req
1214. How was I supposed to know
it was an endangered possum?
Copy !req
1215. You know, the vet said there's actually
a good chance he might pull through.
Copy !req
1216. You better hope so, mister. Get in.
Copy !req
1217. Lock up cell B.
Copy !req
1218. We are in jail.
Copy !req
1219. Okay, listen, you have got to be cool,
'cause if they see you shitting yourself
Copy !req
1220. they're gonna fuck with us.
Copy !req
1221. Hey! Hey, ladies.
Copy !req
1222. Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down
before me and you have a problem?
Copy !req
1223. How about you just chill out, man?
Be cool.
Copy !req
1224. - All right. We good?
- Yeah, we're good.
Copy !req
1225. - Excuse me.
- Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...
Copy !req
1226. You should've seen the look in his eyes.
Copy !req
1227. His heart was breaking
for this poor little thing.
Copy !req
1228. Shit, that boy lan don't seem
like he got no balls at all.
Copy !req
1229. Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some
over a suffering critter?
Copy !req
1230. I think that's real sweet.
Copy !req
1231. Well, I say this Lance,
he sounds like a real hunk of man.
Copy !req
1232. The only way you can keep his kind around
is to get his babies up in you pronto.
Copy !req
1233. But he got no respect for bitches.
Copy !req
1234. Shathayd's right. No respect for bitches.
None whatsoever.
Copy !req
1235. You love lan, don't you, baby?
Copy !req
1236. Well, it's just we've been best friends
since we were really little,
Copy !req
1237. and I don't know, he's the only person
I can really talk to, you know?
Copy !req
1238. You give your heart to that boy,
Copy !req
1239. and you can toss that "friendship" right out
the motherfucking window.
Copy !req
1240. When I was a girl, my best friend was
a fella named Creighton McDaniel.
Copy !req
1241. We used to stay up all night just talking
and laughing and carrying on.
Copy !req
1242. Then one day I got it into my head
that we ought to be more than friends.
Copy !req
1243. So I tell him I love him.
Copy !req
1244. What happened?
Copy !req
1245. We dated for a few weeks.
Copy !req
1246. Then he met a gal over in Wofford.
Copy !req
1247. We still talk from time to time.
Copy !req
1248. But it was never the same between us.
Copy !req
1249. Baby. Come here.
Come on, now. Come on, now.
Copy !req
1250. You know you need a hug.
Come on, honey.
Copy !req
1251. Cuddle up.
Copy !req
1252. Dude.
Copy !req
1253. - What?
- Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.
Copy !req
1254. Yeah, I am.
Copy !req
1255. - And that guy's looking right at your dick.
- Atta-boy.
Copy !req
1256. - Look at you. You're a new man.
- No, I'm not.
Copy !req
1257. Dude. You stole a car, ran over a hillbilly,
Copy !req
1258. you got arrested, you got in a prison fight.
Copy !req
1259. See Duane, he was there.
Copy !req
1260. And I mean, you really beat
an endangered species to death today.
Copy !req
1261. That's got to count for something.
Copy !req
1262. And now you're in here in jail pissing
like a big dog in front of all the perverts.
Copy !req
1263. I mean, there's only one thing left.
Copy !req
1264. Yeah, well, that's out.
I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.
Copy !req
1265. Dude, when we get out of here,
just tell her you got pinched.
Copy !req
1266. She'll think that's bad-ass,
because it totally is.
Copy !req
1267. Lafferty, Nesbitt, your bail has been posted.
Copy !req
1268. Really?
Copy !req
1269. - Time to go.
- Shit!
Copy !req
1270. - What?
- Rex.
Copy !req
1271. Oh.
Copy !req
1272. All right, this is it for us, Duane,
Copy !req
1273. but, you know, back to what we were
talking about earlier,
Copy !req
1274. I don't give a shit what Denise says,
Copy !req
1275. I think there's still room for somebody
to write the great American novel.
Copy !req
1276. So take that for whatever it's worth, buddy.
Copy !req
1277. Hey.
Copy !req
1278. Mary!
Copy !req
1279. Wait. Wait. How did you find me?
Copy !req
1280. Well, I called your cell phone,
and then someone answered here.
Copy !req
1281. - That's awesome. Okay.
- Are you okay? Why are you in jail?
Copy !req
1282. I mean, there's a number of charges,
Copy !req
1283. but the most prominent ones
were animal cruelty
Copy !req
1284. and the assaulting the officer.
Copy !req
1285. But it's not nearly as bad
as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.
Copy !req
1286. - Okay.
- Okay. Wait right here. Okay.
Copy !req
1287. - Teddy.
- Lance, my man.
Copy !req
1288. - You guys got my stuff?
- It's gonna be a few minutes.
Copy !req
1289. All right.
Copy !req
1290. - Your daughter still selling those cookies?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1291. You find me that wallet, I'll buy one.
Copy !req
1292. - That'd be nice of you.
- How is she now?
Copy !req
1293. I'm just fucking with you.
I don't need one more charge brought.
Copy !req
1294. (SINGING) You can't know, oh, no
You can't know
Copy !req
1295. HoW much I think about you, no
Copy !req
1296. It's making my head spin
Copy !req
1297. Looking at you
And you are looking at me
Copy !req
1298. And we both know what we want
Copy !req
1299. So close to giving in
Copy !req
1300. lan, don't do this. No,
don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.
Copy !req
1301. Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.
Copy !req
1302. So what if you're a virgin?
God, lan, it's just sex. It's not...
Copy !req
1303. No, Felicia, it's not about the sex.
It's not. I'm weird.
Copy !req
1304. I'm the only virgin I know.
I need to get this done
Copy !req
1305. so everyone can just stop
freaking out about it.
Copy !req
1306. Look, I know you don't approve,
but I'm sorry, I just...
Copy !req
1307. I'm not going home a virgin.
Copy !req
1308. Then, sport, fuck me.
Copy !req
1309. What?
Copy !req
1310. Sport, fuck me and not some stranger.
Copy !req
1311. We're friends so you know
you're not gonna get some, like,
Copy !req
1312. crabs or genital warts
or some pussing thing that's coming...
Copy !req
1313. Wow, Leesh. That's hot!
Copy !req
1314. You know what?
Copy !req
1315. I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever
than lose it on pity-sex.
Copy !req
1316. - I'm not talking about pity-sex.
- Then what are you talking about?
Copy !req
1317. I don't know. Sex.
Copy !req
1318. It doesn't have to mean anything.
It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.
Copy !req
1319. Ah!
Copy !req
1320. Leesh, you know what?
Fuck the friendship!
Copy !req
1321. I'm sorry, I just can't do it.
Copy !req
1322. I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to
about your boyfriends anymore. I can't...
Copy !req
1323. I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up
in the middle of the night,
Copy !req
1324. and you're gonna cry to because
Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.
Copy !req
1325. And maybe I'm just being selfish here,
but it is not enough.
Copy !req
1326. Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door,
and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex
Copy !req
1327. with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully
female person that I met on the lnternet.
Copy !req
1328. Unless you've got something better
to say to me.
Copy !req
1329. That's what I thought.
Copy !req
1330. Cyclops.
Copy !req
1331. - How'd you find me?
- You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?
Copy !req
1332. Come here.
Copy !req
1333. (SINGING) Burn that mother down, y'all
Copy !req
1334. Burn, baby, burn
Copy !req
1335. Disco inferno
Copy !req
1336. Burn, baby, burn
Copy !req
1337. Burn that mother down
Copy !req
1338. Come on, Rex, wait. The girl...
The one I told you about from the lnternet.
Copy !req
1339. She's right across the street, Rex.
She wants to do it with me and everything.
Copy !req
1340. Like I give a shit!
Copy !req
1341. Get your shit, queer-bait!
We're going home.
Copy !req
1342. Okay. Okay, fine.
Copy !req
1343. Now!
Copy !req
1344. It probably wouldn't have changed
Copy !req
1345. all these feelings
that I've been having lately anyway.
Copy !req
1346. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1347. I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings,
Copy !req
1348. curiosity about men.
Copy !req
1349. Oh, shit, lan!
Copy !req
1350. I think you might be right.
I think I might be getting gay.
Copy !req
1351. God damn it. Fuck!
Copy !req
1352. But I just haven't had
any luck with girls, Rex.
Copy !req
1353. No way! No way my little brother's
taking it in the chili ring.
Copy !req
1354. All right, you take the car,
Copy !req
1355. and you go bang the female woman
like the good Lord intended.
Copy !req
1356. You've got one hour!
Copy !req
1357. - lan.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
1358. Fill up the tank, would you, buddy?
Copy !req
1359. - Tank is at a little low. Yeah, thanks.
- Right.
Copy !req
1360. Hey, man. You looking for somebody?
Copy !req
1361. Ms. Tasty.
Copy !req
1362. MS. lan?
Copy !req
1363. Oh, my gosh! Hey.
Copy !req
1364. I was sure you were standing me up.
Copy !req
1365. - But here you are. Look at you.
- See you.
Copy !req
1366. You look a little different than your picture.
Copy !req
1367. Yeah, I know. I lost a lot of weight
'cause I had the runs... The flu.
Copy !req
1368. Well, you're mighty cute,
and your car is really pretty.
Copy !req
1369. Why don't you take me for a ride?
Copy !req
1370. So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?
Copy !req
1371. - How about I tell you after?
- Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
1372. Works for me.
Copy !req
1373. (SINGING) ... below the ocean
Where I wanna be
Copy !req
1374. She may be
Copy !req
1375. Way doWn beloW the ocean...
Copy !req
1376. - No, Mary, wait.
- What?
Copy !req
1377. - What's wrong?
- Nothing. I mean...
Copy !req
1378. Nothing, I just... I really like you,
Copy !req
1379. and I don't want to ruin this. You know?
Copy !req
1380. But, hey, maybe you could come
to Chicago and we could hang out
Copy !req
1381. - and take it a little...
- No.
Copy !req
1382. Lance, it doesn't work like that.
Copy !req
1383. And, I mean, if I don't go back,
I'm gonna be shunned.
Copy !req
1384. I could never see my family again.
Copy !req
1385. - This Amish thing is a real motherfucker.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
Copy !req
1386. - lan.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1387. I think we should take our clothes off.
Copy !req
1388. Wow. Really? Right here?
Copy !req
1389. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1390. No one's around for miles. Come on.
Copy !req
1391. Okay.
Copy !req
1392. - What do you think?
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1393. That is one of the better sets
that I've seen today.
Copy !req
1394. I appreciate your honesty.
Copy !req
1395. They're nice.
Copy !req
1396. Really?
Copy !req
1397. You're fit.
Copy !req
1398. - You're so sweet.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1399. I think we should
take your clothes off now.
Copy !req
1400. Yeah, maybe we should.
Copy !req
1401. - I don't play football!
- Okay.
Copy !req
1402. l... I really don't.
I mean, I don't really even watch football.
Copy !req
1403. I mean, I got all that stuff
from Friday Night Lights,
Copy !req
1404. which is a show. It's also a movie
starring Billy Bob Thornton.
Copy !req
1405. - I don't know if you saw it, but...
- lan.
Copy !req
1406. What? You think everything in my profile's
the God's honest truth? No.
Copy !req
1407. Now, come on, take your clothes off.
Copy !req
1408. Look, there's this girl...
Copy !req
1409. lan, this can be our little secret.
No one has to know.
Copy !req
1410. Now come here.
Copy !req
1411. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do this with you.
Copy !req
1412. I'm kissing you,
and I'm thinking about somebody else.
Copy !req
1413. No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say.
I mean, she's not even...
Copy !req
1414. Oh, no, no, no.
Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.
Copy !req
1415. It's not a reflection of...
You're so pretty, like...
Copy !req
1416. You're laughing.
Copy !req
1417. Just take your fucking clothes off, asshole!
Copy !req
1418. Look, I'm sorry, okay.
I don't mean to lead you on here,
Copy !req
1419. and I'll give you a ride home,
but I don't think that... What the fuck?
Copy !req
1420. What's up with the bandana, dude? Huh?
Copy !req
1421. What're you, a Gap model?
Copy !req
1422. - Do you have any jacks?
- Yup.
Copy !req
1423. - I win.
- Again.
Copy !req
1424. Yup.
Copy !req
1425. - All right, just take your shirt off.
- Okay, good.
Copy !req
1426. You were right, lan. '69 Judge.
You were worth the wait.
Copy !req
1427. - Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car!
- And good luck with the lady friend.
Copy !req
1428. Fuckface!
Copy !req
1429. Felicia. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1430. Oh, Bobby,
you were so awesome back there.
Copy !req
1431. - Love you so much.
- Cool.
Copy !req
1432. Hey, you know, I was thinking, do you
always have to flash them the twins?
Copy !req
1433. You know, I mean, I do got a gun.
Copy !req
1434. - Oh, baby, you know they're only for you.
- Okay, cool.
Copy !req
1435. Now, listen. I got another car coming
any minute now, okay?
Copy !req
1436. - Got it.
- So take me back to the Big Boy
Copy !req
1437. - and get this goat over to Luis.
- Right.
Copy !req
1438. And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!
Copy !req
1439. - I fucking told you.
- I know where it is.
Copy !req
1440. And if you do good,
momma's gonna take real good care of you.
Copy !req
1441. Really?
Copy !req
1442. You mean the thing I like well?
Copy !req
1443. Yeah, just want to make sure we're talking
about the same thing here.
Copy !req
1444. The pepper grinder.
Copy !req
1445. Pepper grinder!
Copy !req
1446. Pepper grinder! Yeah.
Copy !req
1447. Hi.
Copy !req
1448. - Hey, boys. You finally made it.
- What's up, Ms. Tasty?
Copy !req
1449. What's up? What's up?
Copy !req
1450. - Damn, you're hot as fuck.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1451. - We brought beers and rubbers.
- And some lotion for your tits.
Copy !req
1452. - It's not a marathon.
- It's a sprint.
Copy !req
1453. - Bang. Yeah.
- In chicks.
Copy !req
1454. You Felicia?
Copy !req
1455. I'm Bobby Jo.
Copy !req
1456. Hi.
Copy !req
1457. I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick.
I mean, seriously, what are the odds?
Copy !req
1458. Oh, yeah! More of that.
Copy !req
1459. So, wait, you do want to party?
Copy !req
1460. With us?
Copy !req
1461. Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.
Copy !req
1462. Fuck! I can't fucking believe this.
Copy !req
1463. Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!
Copy !req
1464. - Who the fuck are you?
- Holy fucking fuck-balls!
Copy !req
1465. Okay, my bad.
Copy !req
1466. Now, I thought you were someone else,
all right?
Copy !req
1467. You done fouled up my ride,
so I'm gonna have to take yours.
Copy !req
1468. Fuck that shit.
Copy !req
1469. Here you go. Pulls to the left.
Copy !req
1470. What the fuck, dumb-ass?
Copy !req
1471. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1472. Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1473. Hey, highlights, back it up.
Copy !req
1474. Bite my dick, asshole!
Copy !req
1475. Ow! What the fuck you do that for?
Copy !req
1476. - Lance? What the fuck is going on?
- That's the son of a bitch I was looking for!
Copy !req
1477. Hey, guy. How'd you...
Copy !req
1478. - Found your computer maps, douche-bag!
- Okay.
Copy !req
1479. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
1480. Boat show,
you and your boyfriend bring it in here.
Copy !req
1481. I don't need no trouble right now.
Copy !req
1482. Let's go. Bring it in.
Copy !req
1483. - Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that?
Who?
Copy !req
1484. - That!
- That's Felicia.
Copy !req
1485. She was hiding in the back seat,
no biggie.
Copy !req
1486. Fuck! She heard everything then.
Copy !req
1487. - Hello!
- Damn, you're right.
Copy !req
1488. Come on, darling.
Copy !req
1489. - Shut up!
- Now, take it easy on the hair.
Copy !req
1490. - Get down!
- Hey, hey, come on.
Copy !req
1491. - All right, all right.
- lAN: Take your hands off her!
Copy !req
1492. Stop shooting our car.
lnconsiderate.
Copy !req
1493. Please! No!
Copy !req
1494. - All right. Get back, man.
- lan?
Copy !req
1495. Everybody just be cool.
Copy !req
1496. - Felicia, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Copy !req
1497. lan, give me the goddamn gun
before you shoot your dick off.
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1498. - Rex, I got this.
- lan!
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1499. God damn it, Rex, I got this!
Do not fuck with me! Not now!
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1500. Ease it back, man.
That donut ain't fucking around.
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1501. Hands where I can see them.
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1502. - lan, dude, you're working the mouth.
- I don't give a shit!
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1503. Okay. All right, sorry.
You're doing so good. Proud of you.
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1504. I mean that. I don't say it enough.
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1505. - Tasty and you...
- Bobby Jo.
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1506. lan... Over there. Slowly.
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1507. All right, you, corn-fed, you can
punch my friend Lance, but just once.
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1508. - Dude! What the fuck?
- You nailed his girlfriend.
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1509. - Not exactly. I mean, it was...
- And he came all this way.
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1510. All right. All right, fair enough.
Just not in the nuts.
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1511. - Oh, shit!
- Okay. Okay, all right.
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1512. What a punch.
I think my kids are gonna be retarded.
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1513. You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude.
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1514. - Yeah, you got a little...
- Thanks. My ears are ringing.
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1515. Stop it! I'm warning you!
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1516. Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.
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1517. Whoa!
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1518. - Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude.
- I'll shoot you in the leg.
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1519. Suck his cock, lan.
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1520. - You serious?
- Do I look serious?
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1521. I don't think you got the plums, boy.
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1522. God!
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1523. Oh, fuck.
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1524. Okay. Okay.
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1525. Anybody can shoot someone
in the leg, dude.
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1526. - Give me the gun!
- Jesus, man, what do I got to do?
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1527. Don't move, asshole,
or you're a fucking stain.
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1528. Okay.
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1529. Holy shit, lan. Right on!
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1530. Where do you think you're going, cunt?
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1531. Cat fight!
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1532. (SINGING)
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
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1533. Damn you, whore!
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1534. I've forgotten What I started fighting for
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1535. Fuck you!
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1536. And if I have to craWl upon the floor
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1537. Come crashing through your door
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1538. Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
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1539. Drop the weapon, donut man!
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1540. Okay, put your hands on your head!
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1541. - Both hands, asshole!
- lAN: I can't move the other arm.
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1542. - Who said that? Who said that?
- I can't move the other arm.
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1543. Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.
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1544. The big Mexican won't go down!
Take the shot!
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1545. - Holy shit.
- Jesus!
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1546. Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?
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1547. He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.
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1548. Right there. The blond, in a belt for a skirt.
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1549. Anything else?
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1550. Oh, yeah,
apparently there's a guy named Luis,
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1551. and he has a chop shop
at 5th and Crescent!
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1552. - Thanks.
- We were just banging that chick in our car.
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1553. - Yeah, you mentioned that.
- Yeah, super hard.
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1554. The boy did have some plums.
He had some plums.
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1555. Hey, this is Rick.
He's played arena football.
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1556. - Hi. I'm Mary.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
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1557. That's a weird little dude you got there.
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1558. Are you guys hungry?
Is this place open 24 hours?
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1559. Thank you for coming for me.
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1560. What were you doing in the back seat?
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1561. Nothing. I was...
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1562. - You were stalking me.
- No, I wasn't. L...
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1563. Okay. Yeah, I was stalking you just a little.
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1564. I just... I knew you were gonna do
something you were gonna regret, and l...
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1565. Felicia. Why can't you just say it?
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1566. - Why can't you?
- Well, I asked you first.
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1567. Fine. I'll say it.
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1568. - You love me.
- Fine.
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1569. You love me, too, then.
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1570. (SINGING) Life is beautiful
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1571. But it's complicated
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1572. Thank God.
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1573. We barely make it
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1574. You fucking heifer.
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1575. - You fixed it!
- Yeah.
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1576. Don't lean on it.
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1577. I guess you get to live.
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1578. - lAN: You guys are amazing.
- Thanks.
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1579. Let's talk seriously for a second.
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1580. I figure with the parts and labor,
you know, out the door... 4,200.
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1581. Oh. Um...
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1582. - It's just a round number.
- Yeah. No, I didn't really...
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1583. I don't know what to...
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1584. (LAUGHlNG)
I'm fucking with you, lan. We're good, man.
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1585. - Wait, I mean, you're serious?
- Yeah. I'm serious. We're good. No worries.
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1586. - You sure?
- Yeah, of course.
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1587. - Thank you, man.
- It's what I live for,
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1588. fixing other people's shit for free.
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1589. Yeah.
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1590. - Hey.
Straight home, pussy!
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1591. - Dude, we got to go.
Fucking piece of shit!
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1592. You go on ahead.
I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish.
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1593. Dude, what are you talking about?
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1594. I don't know, a little hard work,
fresh air, missionary position.
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1595. It's a man's life.
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1596. - Sounds pretty good, you know.
- Yeah, it sounds...
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1597. Come on, Lance. Get serious.
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1598. Come here.
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1599. I gotta tell you, I'm impressed.
I'm proud of you, you know.
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1600. You held out for a good one,
the one you wanted.
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1601. And you fucking made it happen.
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1602. But, please, I'm begging you,
go take that girl to visit Grandma.
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1603. - All right.
- And when you do, don't...
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1604. - Lance, I got it.
- Yeah?
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1605. Yeah.
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1606. Okay. I think you might.
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1607. - See you.
- Bye.
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1608. (SINGING) Well, no, no, me, I never worry
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1609. Because, me, I never try
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1610. And I never care to hold onto
What I just couldn't kiss goodbye
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1611. - Are you sure you're ready?
- Yeah.
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1612. All right, well, come on, take them off.
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1613. Let's do it.
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1614. Yeah!
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1615. Oh, shit!
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1616. What the fuck!
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1617. Give me that fucking shoe...
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1618. You know what? Fuck you!
I want a divorce.
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1619. A few weeks later,
I Was Felicia's date to Tiffany's Wedding.
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1620. But this time,
it Wasn't a just-friends kind of thing.
Copy !req
1621. And Rex did make my life hell for a While.
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1622. But that Thanksgiving,
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1623. We finally found out
What's been up his ass all these years.
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1624. I'm gay! And, so, that's it.
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1625. By Christmas,
my dad got used to the idea.
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1626. And Rex is actually
a pretty great guy these days.
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1627. Yeah, noW he only uses the Word faggot
during rough sex.
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1628. Karen and I want you to have this,
for Christmas.
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1629. - Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.
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1630. A juicer.
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1631. Oh, my gosh! That's so awesome.
Wow, I gotta get some fruit.
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1632. Wow!
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1633. Thank you, thank you.
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1634. Dylan knocked up Becca
and had to take my old job.
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1635. Let's see, what else?
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1636. Oh, Andy and Randy finally got a girlfriend.
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1637. And on New Year's Eve,
Felicia and I finally visited Grandma.
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1638. Again?
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1639. Damn, yes.
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1640. - Felicia, you want to do this?
- Yes.
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1641. Oh, that was awesome!
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1642. - Hey, boys. You get some rest?
- Thanks, man. Thanks for fixing the bus.
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1643. - A pleasure.
- Yeah, thanks for fixing our bus.
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1644. - Appreciate it.
- Thanks for playing that show for us, too.
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1645. - Yeah, no worries.
- It was a nice five-song set.
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1646. Yeah, what do you guys typically...
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1647. I assume you get compensated
very well for that.
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1648. - Must be a good living.
- Yeah, we do. I mean...
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1649. Yeah, you know, l...
Gosh, if I was really to calculate
Copy !req
1650. what you'd lose if this bus
couldn't have gotten back on the road,
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1651. if you couldn't have gotten to your shows,
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1652. I imagine all those weeping teenage girls
outside, "l need to dance."
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1653. Could we send you some pictures?
We don't really have cash or anything.
Copy !req
1654. - Some autographed photos?
- Or we could give you CDs.
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1655. Yeah, we've got a lot of use
for that around here.
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1656. There is a lot of work
that needs to be done around here.
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1657. - You guys are some strapping young lads.
- I don't know if we're really built for that.
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1658. - Yeah.
- I can hear you.
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1659. I'm just saying,
you guys put in a 20-minute show,
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1660. - we spent all night on the bus...
- Yeah.
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1661. I mean, that was a lot of work.
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1662. We could maybe try
to write a check later on,
Copy !req
1663. or like I said,
we could send you guys some CDs.
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1664. City folk are always trying to solve things
with money.
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1665. It's the spirit of the community
around here.
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1666. Lord, please bless this Fall Out Boy.
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1667. Keep him safe on the road.
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1668. Help him to aspire
to the heights of Jon Bon Jovi.
Copy !req
1669. - Help him to...
- Thanks.
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1670. - Okay, thanks, man.
- Thanks, man. We gotta roll.
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1671. - Amen.
- We gotta roll, man. Thank you very much.
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1672. All right, boys.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
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1673. I loved your penis on the lnternet,
by the way.
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1674. - Fucking asshole!
- You're a dick!
Copy !req
1675. Say my name and his in the same breath
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1676. I dare you to say they taste the same
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1677. Let the leaves fall off in the summer
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1678. And let December gloW feel flames
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1679. Brace myself and let go
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1680. Start it over again in Mexico
Copy !req
1681. These friends, they don't love you
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1682. They just love the hotel suites, noW
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1683. I don't care What you think
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1684. As long as it's about me
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1685. The best of us can find happiness
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1686. In misery
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1687. Said, I don't care what you think
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1688. As long as it's about me
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1689. The best of us can find happiness
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1690. In misery
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1691. Oh, take a chance,
let your body get a tolerance
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1692. I'm not a chance,
but a heat Wave in your pants
Copy !req
1693. Pull a breath like another cigarette
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1694. Palms up, I'm trading 'em
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1695. Trading 'em
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1696. I'm the oracle in my chest
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1697. Let the guitar scream like a fascist
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1698. Sweat it out, shut your mouth
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1699. Free love on the streets
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1700. But in the alley and I ain't that cheap, noW
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1701. I don't care What you think
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1702. As long as it's about me
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1703. The best of us can find happiness
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1704. In misery
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1705. Said, I don't care what you think
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1706. As long as it's about me
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1707. The best of us can find happiness
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1708. In misery
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1709. Said I don't care just what you think
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1710. As long as it's about me
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1711. Said I don't care just what you think
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1712. As long as it's about me
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1713. Said I don't care, I don't care
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1714. No, I don't
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1715. I don't care, I don't care
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1716. I don't care
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1717. I don't care What you think
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1718. As long as it's about me
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1719. The best of us can find happiness
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1720. In misery
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1721. Said I don't care what you think
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1722. As long as it's about me
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1723. The best of us can find happiness
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1724. In misery
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1725. Hi. I'm Amanda Crew, professional actor.
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1726. You know in all the teen unrated DVDs,
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1727. you never really get to see
the star's naughty parts.
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1728. Well, that is gonna change today.
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1729. That's right. Take a seat,
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1730. maybe close the door
so mom doesn't come in.
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1731. Get all ready. Looks good.
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1732. Here we go.
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1733. Suckers!
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1734. This is serious matter.
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1735. Run for your life.
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1736. Oh, shit! You know what?
We see the fake balls on the table there.
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1737. All right. We'll shoot another. Cut.
Cut.
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