1. Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome on to the stage, Sean Lott.
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2. This programme contains very
strong language and adult humour.
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3. Thank you.
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4. Hello, Hammersmith.
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5. Thank you. Thank you for
coming out tonight, Saturday night.
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6. Excited.
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7. Definitely be here.
I've been touring for a while now.
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8. Shows have gone pretty well.
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9. There's only one place I won't go back to.
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10. That's Guilford.
Not going back to Guilford.
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11. That's a terrible blues song, isn't it?
I'm not going back to Guilford.
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12. I don't know what it is in Guilford.
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13. I don't mean they just don't like
laughing. They don't.
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14. They do smile at someone in Guilford.
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15. They look at you like
got mental health issues.
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16. You go, hello, they go,
what's matter with you?
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17. Actually, they stared at me like
they were looking out the windows
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18. of a bus replacement service.
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19. He's never seen anyone smiling out
of a bus replacement service, do you?
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20. This is brilliant.
Much better than the train,
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21. because he visits so
many different villages.
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22. They looked like my dad looked when he
found out what his pension was worth.
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23. And between fair to them, it was
the week that Margaret Thatcher died,
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24. and they're quite fond
of her in those parts.
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25. And a couple of things that I said,
a couple of the comments that I made might
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26. not have gone down in
the spirit they were intended.
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27. All I said was, all I said was,
well, hey, that was it.
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28. That was all I said.
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29. That was it.
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30. I just went like that.
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31. I didn't have a party.
I didn't have a party.
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32. Well, you wouldn't call it a party.
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33. It was drinks, nibbles,
few friends, you know.
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34. Police were called once.
That's not a party.
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35. And I had to mention a fitting tribute to
her was when they cremated her,
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36. it would be great if
they ran out of coal.
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37. That was all.
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38. I burnt myself the other day.
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39. You know when you burn
yourself domestically in your
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40. own home, you're always
really stupid, don't you?
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41. I burnt myself.
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42. I mistook the iron for the telephone.
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43. The really stupid thing is,
I was dialing at the time.
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44. And I was doing the old
fashioned ring rounds as well.
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45. So I was trying to get through the
hospital because I just burnt my ear.
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46. Lovely joke, an old victim, beautiful.
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47. Anyway, that's that bit over.
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48. I'm very good at linking it up on it.
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49. I love my wife.
I love my kids.
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50. I'm a very lucky man.
I do admit I'm a very lucky man.
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51. She's not even in.
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52. No.
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53. But there are times I do miss the old
days, you know, before I was married.
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54. I do miss the things.
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55. I think the thing I miss
most of all about being
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56. single is the songs you
sing when you're single.
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57. You know, the songs
you sing when you're just
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58. walking around your
house, start singing a song.
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59. I'm going to put the kettle on and make a
cup of tea now.
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60. I might have a biscuit or a crisps
sandwich.
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61. You can't do that when you live with other
people, can you?
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62. Because they don't want to see that.
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63. They want to think you've got your shit
together.
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64. I say I love my wife, sometimes I'm not
sure.
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65. Well, the symptoms of being in love,
shortness of breath, lightheadedness,
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66. inability to concentrate, are exactly the
same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning.
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67. So I said, I think I love you,
but should we just get the boiler service?
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68. No, I do.
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69. I love her very much, but she
upset me this last Christmas
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70. because basically she was
giving me my Christmas present.
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71. And before I opened it, she said,
oh, you do know, by the way, you do know,
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72. it's very hard to find presents for a man
of your age.
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73. And I found that quite hurtful.
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74. And if there are any men of my age and a
bit of advice, be very careful what you
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75. show enthusiasm for in the weeks before
Christmas.
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76. You show the slightest enthusiasm or
interest in anything.
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77. You're getting that for Christmas,
okay?
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78. You know, in the most innocuous comments
she can be going up to bed.
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79. You say, I'll be up in a minute.
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80. I'm just going to watch the news.
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81. Oh.
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82. He likes the news.
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83. And you'll get a biography of Hugh
Edwards.
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84. What a guy.
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85. Oh, he's never had an x-ray.
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86. I didn't know that.
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87. Once I were out walking in the countryside
and there was a bird hovering in the sky.
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88. And she said, oh, that's a buzzer.
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89. I said, no, that's a kestrel.
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90. She said, I didn't know he knew about
that.
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91. I said, yeah, little bit, stuff like that,
a little bit, a little bit.
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92. Cut to six months later, I'm standing in a
field.
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93. Could be a little bit of a glove on.
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94. Cube of meat on a string.
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95. Yeah, I'm having a great day.
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96. It's like he read my mind.
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97. I didn't do that.
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98. I didn't do that.
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99. Don't upset the greenies.
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100. Once I got a fish tank, I opened this fish
tank.
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101. I said, why?
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102. What did I say?
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103. What?
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104. Because I'd been really careful at that
point.
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105. I'd be, you know, what did I say?
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106. She said, do you remember you went in the
pet shop?
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107. You stare at the fish for ages?
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108. I said, yeah, because it was pissing with
rain.
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109. I thought about October to December.
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110. I don't say anything positive about
anything.
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111. Once I got a ferry in October.
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112. You know, ferry is an awful crap dismal
experience.
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113. This was a ferry from Holland.
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114. Really nice ferry.
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115. Really clean, you know, the food was
really good.
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116. It was really nice.
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117. And I was about to say, oh, God,
this is a nice ferry, isn't it?
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118. And I thought, oh, no, don't say that.
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119. Don't say that.
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120. Because I had this image on
Christmas morning of opening
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121. an envelope and pulling
out a golden ferry ticket.
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122. A magical VIP day out on the ferry.
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123. Helped the captain steer the ferry out of
port.
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124. Wave the cars onto the deck.
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125. Sing a song with the group, liquid motion.
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126. The other day I intercepted her.
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127. I intercepted her, ordering me some bees.
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128. I was like, yeah, what are the bees?
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129. The bees come second, the hive first,
you don't remember that.
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130. I'll just grab the phone.
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131. We don't want any bees, go away.
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132. I said, why are you ordering me bees?
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133. She said, well, you were going on about
the pli at the honeybee.
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134. You say, it's terrible.
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135. People don't plant flowers anymore.
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136. They're decked their guards.
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137. The honeybees struggling to survive.
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138. And soon when that happens, the whole of
society will collapse.
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139. You know, you're going on about it.
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140. I said, yeah, what you're mistaken there
is.
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141. I like moaning.
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142. I don't give a shit about bees.
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143. I can't tell you it's between bees and
what?
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144. I just kill anything I see.
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145. Basically, she wants me to have a hobby.
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146. She wants me to have a hobby because I
don't get a lot of spare time.
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147. But if I do get any spare time,
what I like doing is standing in rooms in
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148. the house, staring into the middle
distance.
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149. I'm not quite happy there.
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150. She says it's depressing.
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151. You know, I'm never
happier if I'm sitting on
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152. the bed, end of the edge
of the bed, in my pants.
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153. I've got one sock on, another one in my
hand.
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154. I could do 20 my socks on, but very
slowly.
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155. She wants me to have a hobby.
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156. I do have a hobby, but it's
just not considered a hobby.
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157. People don't consider it a hobby.
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158. My hobby is drinking.
I like drinking.
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159. It's not considered a hobby.
It's not considered a hobby.
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160. When I say I like to go
out and get really drunk.
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161. If you could see my little face when I
know I'm going to go out drinking,
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162. you'd just go, oh, he loves that.
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163. Look at his little face.
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164. Nobody goes fishing with
this excitement on their face.
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165. I don't do it all the time, but when I go
out to get drunk, I like to get really drunk.
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166. I like to get about four units
the right side of shitting myself.
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167. Right place to be.
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168. Now, drawing on my face, this brilliant
idea, combing my hair with a shoe.
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169. I worked out my relationship with alcohol.
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170. It's very similar to the relationship that
a moth has with a light bulb.
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171. You see a moth having
a session on the light bulb.
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172. It's just there going, bang,
bang, bang, bang.
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173. This is brilliant.
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174. Who switched this on?
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175. If you could interview a moth
after a night on the light bulb,
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176. it'd be very similar
to me with a hangover.
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177. He says to the moth,
what happened then?
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178. I'll go, oh, no, I've got it again.
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179. How'd you feel now?
I feel bloody awful.
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180. I'm covered in burns.
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181. Everyone saw me.
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182. Oh, God.
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183. Because I was the worst, wasn't I?
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184. I was the worst.
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185. Eight hours I was up there.
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186. I bloody love you.
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187. Because someone, the money do an hour,
then piss off behind the fridge.
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188. What's that all about?
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189. Do you think you've got a
problem? No. No, not at all.
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190. If you don't switch
the light bulb on, I'm fine.
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191. I could do three weeks on
a wall, not bothered at all.
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192. Usually say to
light bulb, yes!
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193. And by the way, I'm not
advocating alcoholism here.
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194. I'm sticking up for a group in society,
but I need to get very bad treatment,
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195. very bad press, which
is binge drinkers.
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196. Nobody ever says anything
good about binge drinkers.
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197. It's always really negative.
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198. Oh, binge drinkers.
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199. Look at them. Oh, I've
got such a binge drinkers.
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200. Look what they've
done to the town centre.
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201. That's what they're saying.
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202. Oh, God, look what they've
done to the town centre.
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203. We didn't ruin the town centre.
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204. Tesco's on the internet did that.
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205. Yeah, just finishing the job.
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206. You know?
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207. It's not the main problem.
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208. It's a bit like when you've
fought in a cheese shop.
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209. It's not the main problem.
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210. Or kick a dead bird.
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211. What are you doing?
It's dead. Chill out.
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212. Put a chewing gum on a mullet.
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213. No, you get really badly
treated, you know?
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214. And I'm suffered discrimination.
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215. I've suffered discrimination
as a binge drinker.
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216. I know that I've
been for job interviews.
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217. And the only reason I didn't get that job
is because I was fucking hammered.
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218. Incredible in this day and age,
isn't it?
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219. I was a bit suspicious when
they wouldn't join in the sing song.
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220. Where do you see yourself
in five years' time, Mr Lot?
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221. Pub, ha ha!
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222. They couldn't see beyond that.
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223. And the press joined in.
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224. The press are very much
involved in this, aren't they?
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225. I remember there was a picture of a girl
once in Newcastle in the city centre.
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226. She kept all her clothes
on, but for a laugh,
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227. she pulled her knickers
down to her ankles.
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228. And she was standing in the
centre of Newcastle going, way!
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229. And the headline of other
was something like, oh, God.
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230. And I remember looking at the picture
thinking, what is wrong with that?
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231. She's obviously having a brilliant time.
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232. You've got to be in a fantastic mood,
to be in the heart of the city where you live,
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233. where you go shopping, you go to
work, you meet friends, to be in life.
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234. That's a great moment in your life.
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235. I put that on my CV.
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236. There we go, happiest I've ever been.
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237. That's also the answer
to hobbies and interests.
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238. I've never met anybody who's
depressed, he's behaved like that.
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239. I never chat to anyone who's depressed at
how you feel and I feel terrible.
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240. It's a dreadful, every
decision I make a disaster.
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241. I can't see a way of muddling
through this miserable period in my life.
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242. Everything just seems dark
and hopeless and pointless.
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243. The other day I went
down to the canal.
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244. I was staring at the dark,
black water, trying to find
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245. a good reason to continue
this miserable existence.
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246. And also, you don't need
to make binge drinkers
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247. feel bad because they'll
do that themselves.
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248. If I've had a little drinky, the next day,
at least three or four times, at random
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249. moments through that day, I could be
doing something like making a cup of tea,
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250. suddenly I'll just go...
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251. What's the matter with you Sean?
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252. I just remembered something last...
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253. And the weird thing is,
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254. once you have one of those
memories, you've got it for life.
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255. For some reason, your brain refuses to
forget cringeworthy, embarrassing moments,
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256. shameful moments.
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257. You can forget the most important
information, stuff.
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258. You really need to know.
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259. You can forget all of that.
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260. But it remembers every single
moment in your life that you've gone...
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261. I had one the other day.
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262. I remember the time
I left a note out for the
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263. milkman and accidentally
I put a kiss on it.
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264. I said, why am I thinking of that?
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265. Just it's like some
humiliation jukebox to
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266. go, let's have a look
at this one from 1983.
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267. I had one at the other day.
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268. There was no reason to remember this.
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269. I was walking through the park.
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270. A beautiful sunny day, there's children
out playing, flowers are out.
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271. And I said, I remember this
date I'd been on years ago.
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272. We're halfway through it.
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273. The girl pointed out that my shirt was
buttoned up on the wrong side.
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274. So technically, I was wearing a blouse.
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275. The thing is, as I remembered it,
I was walking past a dwarf.
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276. There was a dwarf.
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277. There was a dwarf about there.
And I was about there.
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278. And I went, and I felt the need to explain
to him that it was nothing to do.
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279. That wasn't kind of Lord of the Rings,
Igor type thing.
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280. I was a bit worried.
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281. So I said, sorry, mate, I didn't mean you.
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282. And he said, what
do you want about?
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283. And I said, when I went,
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284. it was nothing to do with
Igor, Lord of the Rings.
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285. And he said, why would I think that?
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286. And now that's become
something that makes me go, eh.
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287. I tell you, actually, one thing I've worked
out, as you wouldn't necessarily reduce my
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288. drinking, but definitely
reduce trips to the pub.
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289. I believe it's a lack of banter in the
home in the domestic environment.
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290. Sometimes I'll say to my wife
something like, how long do
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291. you think we could all live
if we only eat toffee apples?
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292. You know, just putting it out there.
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293. And she'll roll her eyes and carry on
doing something worth worthwhile.
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294. Was it in the pub?
You get 20 minutes out of that?
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295. It's a bloody good question, Sean.
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296. You've got the vitamin,
you've got the fiber from the
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297. apple, you've got the energy,
glucose, and the toffee.
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298. I wanted to stick pound up
into a place, makes a carb.
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299. Mmm.
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300. Bit of a great one the
other day we were talking
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301. about, what's the filthiest
tea spoon you've ever seen?
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302. Oh, what a night.
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303. Let's have a lock in, it was brilliant.
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304. At what point does a lager
top become a shandy?
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305. Who would you rather share a sleeping bag
with us, we did the other day?
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306. You've got a choice, you've got one night
in the same bag, got Ronnie Wood from the
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307. Rolling Stones, or Jeremy
Vine from BBC Radio 2.
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308. Ronnie Wood for one night.
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309. She had a lot better response
than the one my wife had.
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310. I asked her, she turned her back to me,
walked over, looked out of a window,
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311. and her shoulders went...
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312. And she mustn't sign about, I suppose
we've got kids and it's better.
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313. You know, actually the right answer,
the people who said Jeremy Vine,
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314. that's the correct answer.
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315. A lot of people choose Ronnie,
they think Ronnie is a bit of a character
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316. and they're all the and it
don't show the character.
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317. Of course, what they're forgetting
is just how bony Ronnie is.
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318. Every part of Ronnie is a sharp,
jaggedy, pointy edge.
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319. His arse is like a piece of flint.
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320. Naked, Ronnie looks like a box of KFC when
you're throwing the bones back in, right?
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321. He's held together with bits
of chicken skin, Ronnie Wood.
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322. And it would be shaking because he's
giving up the pills and the booze.
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323. Ronnie, yeah,
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324. I've thought about this stuff,
yeah.
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325. Whereas Jeremy Vine,
tedious bastard, dull, boring,
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326. pointless man, like a
warm column of pissy air.
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327. But you get the feeling,
when he shuts his
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328. eyes, eight hours
straight through, no bother.
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329. People say to me, why are
you having a good Jeremy Vine?
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330. I say, because I hate him.
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331. It seems good reason, enough.
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332. I don't like Jeremy Vine, I tell you why.
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333. Because you know he
does that radio two show
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334. and they have these
debates on radio two.
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335. We're going to be debates today and
they're not debates, they're just ways to
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336. wind the country up, make the country an
unhappier, angrier place, don't they?
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337. Yeah.
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338. What?
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339. I think that was like, that's century
Norse.
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340. It's Jeremy Vine, I've just realised.
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341. It's Jeremy Vine, he's dressed up as a
drunken old mad cookney.
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342. I'm sneaking, I've heard about this
routine.
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343. I have
a couple of people.
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344. ?
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345. ?
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346. And then he'll just disappear into the fog
like Jack the Ripper.
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347. Yeah, you know, they have
those debates on the show and
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348. they don't, they just make
the country an unhappier place.
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349. Well, it just winds people up,
it tracks nutters to phone in.
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350. Well, they have a debate that says today,
we're talking about sex education.
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351. Some people say it happens too soon.
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352. Other people say it doesn't
happen soon enough.
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353. Are they right?
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354. Should we have sex education
in nurseries, play groups?
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355. Shouldn't teddy bears have genitals?
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356. And there'll be someone
I haven't going, what?
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357. Teddy bears with cocks?
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358. No, they're going to put
cogs on the Teddy bears.
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359. And they phone it.
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360. And they pick weird subjects to have
debate about them.
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361. They'll pick something like, you know,
there was one, there was this burglar
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362. who'd objected in court
to being called a coward.
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363. The prosecution called him a coward.
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364. He said, I'm not a coward.
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365. So they started discussing it and saying,
well, is he right?
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366. Are burglars brave?
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367. Should we admire them?
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368. Are they, are they just entrepreneurs?
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369. Sometimes they do this
trick where they leave a
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370. detail out to make a little
bomb go off in your head.
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371. It's not like, who's to blame for,
we're talking about the government.
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372. Is it the NHS?
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373. Is it the food industry?
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374. And they know loads of people at home
going, we just mentioned the fat people.
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375. Yeah.
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376. Today we're talking about binge drinking.
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377. Why do you do it?
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378. Are you sad, lonely, depressed?
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379. Do you have low self-esteem?
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380. Do you need alcohol to
enjoy social situations?
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381. And that's how I burnt my ear.
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382. I think one of the things that I'm
most known for is my inquiring mind.
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383. I think that's one of the things people
always say about me.
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384. Here comes Sean with his inquiring mind.
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385. The other day I was watching the
television.
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386. I was watching, you know, those compare
the market, compare the meerkat ads.
Copy !req
387. I was watching one of those, and I was
like, how come that's OK?
Copy !req
388. They've got a Russian,
Eastern European accent.
Copy !req
389. I come, that's fine.
Nobody objects to that.
Copy !req
390. I think, if those meerkats were Chinese,
they'd be uproar, wouldn't they?
Copy !req
391. If they came out and went, you want
cheaper cards for ads?
Copy !req
392. You go, comparemarket.com.
Copy !req
393. You're bloody area.
Copy !req
394. Whoa, what are you doing?
Copy !req
395. You can't do that.
Copy !req
396. Or they were Mexican.
Copy !req
397. If you want to compare meerkats,
compare meerkat.com.
Copy !req
398. You can't compare meerkats like my sister.
Copy !req
399. Well, really, meerkats from Africa should
be an African voice, shouldn't it?
Copy !req
400. For Chewbacca insurance.
Copy !req
401. Whoa.
Copy !req
402. What do you think you'd do it?
Copy !req
403. Stop him now.
Copy !req
404. And the reason I
mention that is because I
Copy !req
405. realised something quite
profound the other day.
Copy !req
406. I was at home, I was a bit bored.
I wasn't wearing these clothes.
Copy !req
407. I was wearing my normal clothes.
Copy !req
408. I started checking the
labels on my clothes.
Copy !req
409. I realised something like, at that moment,
I realised if I wasn't for the Chinese,
Copy !req
410. I would have been naked.
Copy !req
411. All my clothes were
made in China, everything.
Copy !req
412. Even my pants were made in China.
Copy !req
413. And they're not like Chinesey pants.
Copy !req
414. They haven't got dragons on them,
anything like that.
Copy !req
415. It's an ordinary pair of pants.
Copy !req
416. I don't know as my phone
was made in China.
Copy !req
417. My telly was made in China.
Copy !req
418. I've got an Ikea table.
Copy !req
419. I assume Sweden.
No, China.
Copy !req
420. I worked out.
I'm virtually Chinese.
Copy !req
421. The only thing I haven't got
is the way to do that going.
Copy !req
422. Hello, I'm Sean Law.
Copy !req
423. People go, what are you doing?
Copy !req
424. Oh, I think how can I possibly be racist?
Copy !req
425. I bloody love China.
I'm obsessed with the place.
Copy !req
426. I did.
I live in a pagoda.
Copy !req
427. To be honest, I don't think
you can be racist about a
Copy !req
428. country that's more economically
powerful than you anyway.
Copy !req
429. In fact, the way our economy is going,
soon it will be racist to do our voices.
Copy !req
430. Yeah.
Copy !req
431. People in Beijing go,
hello, I'm from London.
Copy !req
432. There we go.
Copy !req
433. I'm not comfortable with that.
Copy !req
434. And also, I don't think the Chinese are
bothered what accents we're doing.
Copy !req
435. All they want to know is, all they want to
know is how much shit we want.
Copy !req
436. That's what I want to know.
Copy !req
437. How much shit you want?
Copy !req
438. Much as you've got,
you got enough shit yet?
Copy !req
439. Made more shit!
Copy !req
440. No, we just used up that lot.
Copy !req
441. You just sent us, keep it coming.
Copy !req
442. We love it.
Copy !req
443. Bloody hell.
Copy !req
444. Come on, no time for sleeping.
Gotta make shit for people in West.
Copy !req
445. Can't even make their
own fucking pants.
Copy !req
446. Hang on, how are you going
to pay for all this shit?
Copy !req
447. We were going to borrow
the money from you.
Copy !req
448. It was funny, right?
We make shit, we sell them shit.
Copy !req
449. Now we give them
money to buy shit.
Copy !req
450. Well, you find funny when
I have day off in December.
Copy !req
451. Look, as you have to face facts, the
Chinese are slowly taking over the world.
Copy !req
452. They're not doing it like we try
to do in a big imperialistic sweep.
Copy !req
453. They're doing it the smart, the clever
way, slowly buying everything up.
Copy !req
454. And you'll notice subtle
differences in your lives.
Copy !req
455. Little things will change.
Copy !req
456. Like one day you'll notice there's less
prongs on your fork.
Copy !req
457. And they'll buy up all the pubs,
and all the pub names will change.
Copy !req
458. You'll still call it the white hearts.
Copy !req
459. I'm going the white heart.
Copy !req
460. I refuse to call it the infinite stillness
of water.
Copy !req
461. And you go to your greetings
card shop in a special section.
Copy !req
462. Commiserations ... and doughter.
Copy !req
463. She bring much shame on
family.
Copy !req
464. And it'll affect every aspect of our
lives, you know, affect culture,
Copy !req
465. you know, because you surrender so much
control and power to them.
Copy !req
466. I'll give you an example.
You know, Christmas crackers.
Copy !req
467. I've known for years.
Copy !req
468. We've known for years that the actual
crackers were made in China.
Copy !req
469. But I always thought the jokes,
the puns, were written in this country.
Copy !req
470. But I think they're doing
that in China now as
Copy !req
471. well, because I've pulled
a cracker this Christmas.
Copy !req
472. And I'll just say at this point,
I'm not a fan of crackers.
Copy !req
473. I've been campaigning to get rid of them
for years.
Copy !req
474. I think they're a dull, joyless,
pointless experience from start to finish.
Copy !req
475. If there was any pleasure
to be had from a cracker,
Copy !req
476. you'd have them at other
times a year, wouldn't you?
Copy !req
477. Any, just the slightest pleasure.
Copy !req
478. You know, you'd go, oh, happy birthday.
Copy !req
479. Do you want to pull a cracker?
Copy !req
480. Yeah.
Copy !req
481. Dave and Sue are coming around later.
Copy !req
482. Okay, I'll go at the off-licence.
Copy !req
483. Shall I get some crackers?
Copy !req
484. Yeah, let's get some crackers
and have a bloody laugh.
Copy !req
485. But you don't, because
they're shit, aren't they?
Copy !req
486. The cracker I've pulled this Christmas, the
bang wouldn't have made a kitten look up.
Copy !req
487. The paper hat didn't look like
a king. I didn't like a king.
Copy !req
488. No.
Copy !req
489. I like a grill chef in a service station.
Copy !req
490. On his third warning.
Copy !req
491. Do you want egg?
Do you want egg?
Copy !req
492. The toy inside was a set of miniature,
tiny, tiny screwdriver.
Copy !req
493. It was a tiny, tiny screwdriver that don't
fit anything.
Copy !req
494. I'd have preferred nothing.
Copy !req
495. Then I wouldn't have had a trip to the
bin.
Copy !req
496. But what did my head in, what ruined
Christmas, was the joke.
Copy !req
497. This was the joke in the cracker.
Copy !req
498. What did the ghost sing at the Snowman's
birthday party?
Copy !req
499. And the punch sign is,
freeze a jolly good fellow.
Copy !req
500. I think if you've enjoyed that,
you've come to the wrong show.
Copy !req
501. But anyway...
Copy !req
502. My point is, there's no
need for a ghost in that joke.
Copy !req
503. That's a superfluous unnecessary ghost.
Copy !req
504. That joke works perfectly well without the
ghost.
Copy !req
505. What do you think it's no
man's birthday party?
Copy !req
506. Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Copy !req
507. Why is there a fucking ghost in there?
Copy !req
508. Who put a ghost in there?
Copy !req
509. My theory at the cracker factory in China
now is those people writing puns.
Copy !req
510. There's a foreman walking up and down,
fellow goes, I've got one.
Copy !req
511. What is it?
Copy !req
512. What do you think it's no man's birthday
party?
Copy !req
513. Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Copy !req
514. The foreman goes, I don't like it.
Copy !req
515. Put a ghost in there.
Copy !req
516. And that's the power we've
surrendered to them.
Copy !req
517. They can just start sticking ghosts in
things willy-nilly, you know, dragons,
Copy !req
518. whatever the fact they want.
Copy !req
519. They can just, you know, imagine
you did that with other jokes.
Copy !req
520. That horse walks into a pub
and the ghost behind the bar.
Copy !req
521. Horse is thinking, I thought, I was the
novelty in this joke, you know.
Copy !req
522. I'm a beer drinking horse.
Copy !req
523. I don't know.
Copy !req
524. The absurdity of a snowman having a
birthday party.
Copy !req
525. I've left that alone.
Copy !req
526. I haven't touched that.
Copy !req
527. Where on earth is a snowman
going to live to one?
Copy !req
528. Maybe in the Arctic.
Copy !req
529. But when it snows, Eskimos are not scurry
out of their igloos and go, Hey,
Copy !req
530. it's snowing.
Copy !req
531. Let's make a man.
Copy !req
532. Now they go, it's fucking snowing again,
isn't it?
Copy !req
533. Why do we live here?
Copy !req
534. Yeah, well then.
Copy !req
535. You won't look at those brochures for
Tenerife, will you?
Copy !req
536. And all I'm saying is, all I'm saying,
we've got to think about the consequences.
Copy !req
537. We do get all this cheap stuff,
we do get this cheap stuff, but the
Copy !req
538. standard of comedy is going to go
downhill.
Copy !req
539. Maybe we should pay a
bit more and have a laugh.
Copy !req
540. That's all I'm saying.
Copy !req
541. That's literally all I'm saying.
Copy !req
542. I tell you another way of putting it,
the other day I went to buy some trainers.
Copy !req
543. In the end I settled on
a pair of new balance
Copy !req
544. trainers because they're
made in this country.
Copy !req
545. And they're a bit more expensive,
but to me it was worth it to pay those few
Copy !req
546. extra quid to be safe in the knowledge
that a kid in China is out of a job.
Copy !req
547. If I could put one child on the doll,
bloody proud of myself.
Copy !req
548. The big thing I'm having to go to the
Chinese, I'm not.
Copy !req
549. I'm just waking us up to this situation
we're getting into it.
Copy !req
550. I'm what I'm saying is we've got to take a
bit more responsibility.
Copy !req
551. Wealth creation is what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
552. We've all got to come up with wealth
creation ideas.
Copy !req
553. You know that guy Dyson, you know that guy
Dyson, he's always coming up with ideas.
Copy !req
554. You know people say everyone's got a book
in them, which I don't think is true.
Copy !req
555. I think most people haven't even got a
piece of advice in them, right?
Copy !req
556. We can all think about ways to make the
world around us a better place,
Copy !req
557. you know, come up with
wealth creation ideas.
Copy !req
558. I've come up with two apps,
big hitters, these two apps
Copy !req
559. are brilliant, they're going
to make a load of money.
Copy !req
560. The first app, wherever
you are in the world,
Copy !req
561. it tells you what the
bin collection days are.
Copy !req
562. Who wouldn't want that?
Copy !req
563. You're in Rio de Janeiro,
you've got two bags of
Copy !req
564. rubbish, don't know when
to put them out, you know?
Copy !req
565. They're leaking, so they're going all over
your dancing shoes.
Copy !req
566. You don't speak the lingo, so you're going
to put the bins out, you know.
Copy !req
567. Just go on the app, half past two Tuesday
afternoon, lovely.
Copy !req
568. Off to the carnival.
Copy !req
569. Everyone in the world
will want that app, right?
Copy !req
570. The second app is even better,
right?
Copy !req
571. If you ever look at pornography
on your mobile phone,
Copy !req
572. it tells everyone in your
contacts list, everyone...
Copy !req
573. Everyone gets a text, you know.
Copy !req
574. And people say, well, why would I want
that?
Copy !req
575. Why wouldn't you?
I bought it for you, darling.
Copy !req
576. Of course, eventually you would,
you would.
Copy !req
577. You'd be in a travel
lodge three o'clock in the
Copy !req
578. morning and go, sort it, let
them know, let them know!
Copy !req
579. Open the hotel window, shout
across a dual -carriage way.
Copy !req
580. I'm having a wank, all right?
Copy !req
581. It's an emotion, it's like crying.
Copy !req
582. I don't know what would
be worse, friends and family
Copy !req
583. getting the text, or just a
plumber you used once.
Copy !req
584. But I'm always thinking of wealth
creation, you know how HMV struggles now,
Copy !req
585. because of how we get
music, because it was
Copy !req
586. records, cassettes, CDs,
and now it's downloads.
Copy !req
587. I'm already thinking about how we're going
to get music in the future, man!
Copy !req
588. Yeah!
Copy !req
589. And I think in the future we're going to
get music in the form of a gas.
Copy !req
590. Yeah!
Copy !req
591. How hard can it be to turn music,
which is already in the air, into gas?
Copy !req
592. I'll let the boffin sort that one out.
Copy !req
593. And you'll go to HMV, you know, like
those inhalers, asthmatics have, right?
Copy !req
594. Just fill one of those up with all your
music like that.
Copy !req
595. And you just inhale it like that.
Copy !req
596. And all the music will be in your brain.
Copy !req
597. And you can play it
whenever you want.
Copy !req
598. Summer breeze, make me feel fire!
Copy !req
599. I don't want this one, how do I change it?
Copy !req
600. Blink, palm, pop the jam, pump it up,
while the beat is dumping.
Copy !req
601. And you're feeling that moving.
Copy !req
602. He's a little white bull every day,
he can't do anything, little white bull.
Copy !req
603. I wouldn't be an early adopter on it,
that's all I'm saying.
Copy !req
604. Take a while.
Copy !req
605. That's a great idea, please take these
ideas, make your fortunes, it's my gift.
Copy !req
606. I really like something amazing, I was
fitting around, looking for a radio station.
Copy !req
607. And I suddenly realised something, it's
incredible, you won't believe this, right?
Copy !req
608. But you know, there's radio stations for
every type of music, soul, jazz,
Copy !req
609. rock, reg, a pop music.
Copy !req
610. There's no radio station for scat music,
yeah?
Copy !req
611. You know, if you fancy listening to a bit
of scat music, there's no scat FM,
Copy !req
612. and you just put it on there, and you're
just like...
Copy !req
613. 24 hours scat.
Copy !req
614. All scat, no chat, yeah!
Copy !req
615. Imagine how brilliant that is, especially if
you've got guests, so you want to leave your home.
Copy !req
616. Can you turn it down a bit?
Copy !req
617. No, I like it.
Copy !req
618. Well, I'm on the subject, there's also,
there's no Yodeling FM.
Copy !req
619. I'm fascinated by Yodeling.
Copy !req
620. No, I'm a... You know Yodeling, the
Swiss Yodeling, you know when they go...
Copy !req
621. Do you like some message?
Copy !req
622. That's a way of communicating
through the mountains.
Copy !req
623. And the Swiss did that for years.
Copy !req
624. Until, of course, they discovered
shouting, and that changed their lives.
Copy !req
625. One day a fellow was going, Yodeling.
Copy !req
626. Another fellow went, step back, try
this, just try this, try it, it's an idea.
Copy !req
627. I've had it, try it, try it.
Copy !req
628. Have you seen my cow?
Copy !req
629. It's brown!
Copy !req
630. So what else been going on?
Copy !req
631. Oh, I was talking about...
Copy !req
632. Oh, I've just started believing in God as
well, just got into that.
Copy !req
633. Yeah, I've just got into it, yeah.
Copy !req
634. And actually, that's the reason I'm on
tour.
Copy !req
635. So, if you've been
enjoying the show up to this
Copy !req
636. point, after this bit, it
gets a bit messy, gee.
Copy !req
637. No, I do, I've just got into it.
I've been an atheist most of my life.
Copy !req
638. I was actually raised a Catholic,
and what's known as a lapsed Catholic,
Copy !req
639. which is their term for it.
Copy !req
640. You know, makes it sound
like every Sunday night,
Copy !req
641. as I'm getting into bed,
I go, Oh, forgot again.
Copy !req
642. Well, the truth is, I'm 14,
cycling to confession, and I
Copy !req
643. suddenly thought myself, hang
on a sec, what are you doing?
Copy !req
644. You're about to get into a wooden box and
tell dirty stories to an old Irish man...
Copy !req
645. who's never had sex.
Copy !req
646. This is mental.
Copy !req
647. You're going to tell a wanking story,
because I'm 14.
Copy !req
648. I've done a bit of wanking and some
shoplifting tops.
Copy !req
649. That's the worst things I've done.
Copy !req
650. You're going to tell a wanking
story to an old man in a box.
Copy !req
651. And you couldn't say to him, Father,
I had a wank.
Copy !req
652. He'd go mental.
Copy !req
653. He'd pull you out of the box, gone,
don't use that language in my church,
Copy !req
654. a dirty little bastard using that finty
language in my church.
Copy !req
655. Because this is the 70s, everyone's
hitting you in the 70s, like that.
Copy !req
656. BANG!
Copy !req
657. They thought it was good for you,
like red meat and smoking.
Copy !req
658. BANG!
Thanks for that.
Copy !req
659. If you bumped into Santa in the 70s,
he'd have given you a boot up the arse.
Copy !req
660. What are you doing up, you little shit?
Copy !req
661. Get the fucking bit.
You little shit.
Copy !req
662. What the fuck are you doing up there?
Copy !req
663. No, I fucking should be out there.
Copy !req
664. I fucking banged my
fucking tongue in the air.
Copy !req
665. 70s Santa was out of control.
Copy !req
666. They had to send him on a course.
Copy !req
667. He was just...
Copy !req
668. You can't do that, Santa, but he fucking
should be in bed, do you?
Copy !req
669. No, you couldn't say that to him.
Copy !req
670. You couldn't say how far that you'd have
to couch it carefully.
Copy !req
671. I'd say, Father, I let the devil encourage
me to be busy in my trousers.
Copy !req
672. I need to know what
you were talking about.
Copy !req
673. It's mental confession.
You can do anything you want.
Copy !req
674. You go to confession. It's gone.
It's like it never happened.
Copy !req
675. It's kind of like a moral etch-a-sketch.
Copy !req
676. You just go... BANG!
Copy !req
677. BANG!
Copy !req
678. BANG!
Copy !req
679. BANG!
Copy !req
680. BANG!
Copy !req
681. I'll miss it sometimes.
Copy !req
682. Like, I did something
quite bad the other day.
Copy !req
683. And if I'd gone to confession,
it wouldn't trouble me anymore.
Copy !req
684. But it still bugs me.
Copy !req
685. What I did was pretty bad what I did
was...
Copy !req
686. I was meant to unload the dishwasher,
but I couldn't be bothered.
Copy !req
687. So, I'll just put it on again.
Copy !req
688. Yeah.
Copy !req
689. Playa.
Copy !req
690. And also, the other reason I stopped
believing was Scooby-Doo.
Copy !req
691. You know, I must have watched about 500
episodes of Scooby-Doo as a kid.
Copy !req
692. Every single episode starts with a promise
of supernatural, otherworldly,
Copy !req
693. spiritual activity.
Copy !req
694. But it always ends.
That's been completely debunked.
Copy !req
695. And there's a disgruntled
former employee, you know.
Copy !req
696. With his hair all roughed, because they've
just taken his costume off.
Copy !req
697. His hair's always all over the place.
Copy !req
698. And I think what the makers of Scooby-Doo,
Hannah Bible, were trying to tell us was.
Copy !req
699. there is no God and join a union.
Copy !req
700. You know, that's my fear.
Copy !req
701. But I've just got back into it.
Copy !req
702. And the reason I got back into it was the
Jimmy Savile story.
Copy !req
703. When that broke, you know.
Copy !req
704. Yeah.
Copy !req
705. Yeah, because I
thought to myself, well, if I
Copy !req
706. don't believe in God,
he gets off scot-free.
Copy !req
707. Whereas if I believe in God, he goes to
hell.
Copy !req
708. You know, seems like it makes sense to me.
Copy !req
709. In fact, I think if you're
an atheist, what you're
Copy !req
710. saying is, you're kind of
fine with what Jimmy did.
Copy !req
711. That's cool with you.
Copy !req
712. Yeah.
Copy !req
713. In fact, if you're
an atheist, as far as
Copy !req
714. Uncle's done, you're
virtually an accomplice.
Copy !req
715. You might have been
standing next to him
Copy !req
716. holding his tracksuit,
as far as I can tell her.
Copy !req
717. I thought it was a matter of you people,
really don't.
Copy !req
718. Yeah.
Copy !req
719. And Hitler, basically, if you're an
atheist, you're a Nazi kiddie fiddler.
Copy !req
720. And I offered that to the
Archbishop of Canterbury
Copy !req
721. as a recruitment
campaign, but he didn't...
Copy !req
722. But I think the difference
between me and most
Copy !req
723. religious people is, I
don't take it that seriously.
Copy !req
724. You know, some days I'm into it,
other days...
Copy !req
725. Some days I'm aware of a veil,
other days I don't eat pork.
Copy !req
726. No, I just...
Copy !req
727. Come see, come sir.
Copy !req
728. But it's done one brilliant thing,
actually, since I started believing in God.
Copy !req
729. It's done one brilliant thing.
Copy !req
730. It's really a positive benefit in my life,
which is, I've stopped using the
Copy !req
731. exclamation, Jesus Christ, as often as I
used to.
Copy !req
732. Because I used to use it far too often,
you know.
Copy !req
733. I couldn't find my keys.
Copy !req
734. I'd go, oh, Jesus Christ,
I can't find my keys.
Copy !req
735. Or I go to the supermarket, I haven't got
a pound for the trolley, like that.
Copy !req
736. Oh, Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
737. Thanks God, nice one!
Copy !req
738. You try to starve my family?
Copy !req
739. Is this some kind of test?
Copy !req
740. Or I sit down to eat my
dinner, it's all cooked already,
Copy !req
741. then I realise there's
no pepper in the grinder.
Copy !req
742. Oh, Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
743. Now I've got to get all the little balls
out there, go over the fucking floor!
Copy !req
744. My love is shit!
Copy !req
745. Or I walk past the
radio, the news is on, the
Copy !req
746. price of stamps will be
going up from Tuesday.
Copy !req
747. Oh, Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
748. That's all I need.
Copy !req
749. That's going to cost me 60 pence a year!
Copy !req
750. Or I'll be in the shower, hang on,
that doesn't feel right.
Copy !req
751. Oh, it's fucking conditioner, isn't it?
Copy !req
752. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
753. Look what you've done!
Copy !req
754. Shut your hair for a week!
Copy !req
755. And once it's in, it's in!
Copy !req
756. There's no antique conditioner to take it
out, because you didn't invent it!
Copy !req
757. Well, I've stopped doing that,
that's good, isn't it?
Copy !req
758. It's positive in your life, you know?
Copy !req
759. It's positive to move in the right
direction.
Copy !req
760. Of course, in the religion that I've
invented, there are times where you can,
Copy !req
761. you can use the
exclamation, like if your house
Copy !req
762. is being enveloped
by lava from a volcano.
Copy !req
763. Oh, Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
764. Or you go to the Pamplona Bull Run, where
they run the bulls through the streets.
Copy !req
765. And you get a stitch.
Copy !req
766. Oh, Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
767. Oh, dear, not now.
Copy !req
768. Too much bloody tap-ass,
that's what it is.
Copy !req
769. Because they just think they're just
little plates, but you just keep eating,
Copy !req
770. don't you?
Copy !req
771. I've probably had about five dinners.
Copy !req
772. Well, you're on a plane and you see someone
trying to light their shoes, like that.
Copy !req
773. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
774. He's trying to light his shoes!
Copy !req
775. I think that's how they do it.
Copy !req
776. The light hearted wing of Al-Qaeda.
Copy !req
777. Or, or you're a centaur, right?
Copy !req
778. You're a centaur.
Copy !req
779. Come with me on this one.
Copy !req
780. You know, human from there to there,
there to there's human.
Copy !req
781. Rest of you's horse, but
you're facing the wrong way.
Copy !req
782. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
783. That would be a nightmare scenario,
wouldn't it?
Copy !req
784. Imagine just trying to eat a bit of grass.
Copy !req
785. How difficult that would be.
Copy !req
786. Oh, I've got to starve you.
Copy !req
787. You'd have to both of you, you'd have to
lie down on your side.
Copy !req
788. On the forest floor, wouldn't you?
Copy !req
789. Both of you have to lie down like that.
Copy !req
790. And the horse bit would be there,
and you'd lie there.
Copy !req
791. Just for a little snack in the day,
like...
Copy !req
792. Imagine how vulnerable you'd feel,
you know?
Copy !req
793. That's probably why they died out.
Copy !req
794. And of course, the humanie bit wouldn't
like grass, would it?
Copy !req
795. It's disgusting.
Copy !req
796. How do you eat that shit?
Copy !req
797. Can I have a curry?
Copy !req
798. The horse goes, do you want to see me
after a curry?
Copy !req
799. You've got a dilemma
there, you've got the taste
Copy !req
800. buds of the human
digestive system of a horse.
Copy !req
801. You've got a problem, haven't you?
Copy !req
802. I think that's what that routine is about.
Copy !req
803. It's about, you know, in a relationship
when you both have very conflicting needs,
Copy !req
804. trying to find a solution so you can live
together in harmony, that's really...
Copy !req
805. That's the sort of point of that bit of
material.
Copy !req
806. But like I said, I've got into it,
I've got into religion, and...
Copy !req
807. And also, I like having to go atheist as
well, because they're so cocky out there,
Copy !req
808. like, yeah, we know.
Copy !req
809. No, you don't fucking know, you don't
know.
Copy !req
810. And also, they believe
in all that evolution
Copy !req
811. bollocks, which is
obviously a load of bollocks.
Copy !req
812. Oh, got away with that one, that's fine.
Copy !req
813. No, I don't, I don't subscribe
to the theory of evolution
Copy !req
814. at all, I don't think it makes
sense, I think it stacks up.
Copy !req
815. If evolution was a continual
process, then surely
Copy !req
816. by now, bananas would
be round, wouldn't they?
Copy !req
817. Or straight, I don't know
which way they were
Copy !req
818. going, they're either
going that way, or like that.
Copy !req
819. Maybe going back round the other way,
who knows, you know?
Copy !req
820. Frogs would have made their mind up,
lake or land, time to choose, you know?
Copy !req
821. We'd have grown another thumb, definitely,
we'd have grown another thumb, wouldn't we?
Copy !req
822. Because how useful is
that, four fingers and a thumb,
Copy !req
823. it's incredible with the
dexterity you can do with that.
Copy !req
824. Surely by now, we'd have another thumb
coming out there.
Copy !req
825. So a single human hand would look like
that.
Copy !req
826. Imagine the amazing things you could do
with two thumbs on each.
Copy !req
827. I mean, obviously it'd make groping a lot
more thorough, wouldn't it?
Copy !req
828. But...
Copy !req
829. You could carry six pints and tweets at
the same time, couldn't you?
Copy !req
830. And don't tell me we're
related to monkeys, sorry, I
Copy !req
831. won't have that, don't tell
me we're related to monkeys.
Copy !req
832. No, sorry.
Copy !req
833. Because I'll tell you why, I was on a
flight recently, and the hostess...
Copy !req
834. Hostess made a request.
Copy !req
835. She said, anyone on the flight's got any
peanuts on their possession.
Copy !req
836. Please don't open them and eat them.
Copy !req
837. I said, someone on the flight
with severe peanut allergy,
Copy !req
838. your cause and a great
deal of harm and distress.
Copy !req
839. Could you imagine a monkey with a bag of
peanuts agreeing to that request?
Copy !req
840. Like another monkey goes...
Copy !req
841. That monkey would do whatever the monkey
equivalent of fuck-off is, wouldn't it?
Copy !req
842. Because they're bastards monkeys,
they don't give a shit about each other.
Copy !req
843. If one monkey's ill, his
neighbour doesn't come out and
Copy !req
844. see how he is, he tries to
have sex with his whole family.
Copy !req
845. If you could explain Jimmy's saddle to a
monkey, they'd see him as a role model.
Copy !req
846. Horrendous creatures.
Copy !req
847. We're not related to them.
Copy !req
848. And also, I've never seen an
episode of Who Do You Think
Copy !req
849. You Are, which goes right
back to the monkey ancestor.
Copy !req
850. So I'll risk my case.
Copy !req
851. I accept I'm not a scientist.
Copy !req
852. I know I'm not a scientist, but what is a
scientist?
Copy !req
853. It's just somebody who
thinks about stuff and chooses
Copy !req
854. to back up their thoughts
with evidence and facts.
Copy !req
855. Only difference between me and a
scientist.
Copy !req
856. I don't feel the need.
Copy !req
857. I'm not so insecure.
Copy !req
858. I need to back up what I say.
Copy !req
859. I just say it, damn.
Copy !req
860. And I've been forced into this position by
my children.
Copy !req
861. I've got three children, three
young children, and they ask
Copy !req
862. me questions all day long
about everything under the sun.
Copy !req
863. And I don't know a lot of stuff.
Copy !req
864. I really don't.
Copy !req
865. I don't.
Copy !req
866. I read a lot, but
usually when I get to the
Copy !req
867. interesting bit, I remember
something embarrassing.
Copy !req
868. And they ask me questions about science
and things like that.
Copy !req
869. You know, for a while I thought a house was
being haunted by my old physics teacher.
Copy !req
870. He's just going around the house going,
Copy !req
871. oooh, ask your dad about magnets.
Copy !req
872. Good use of a ghost in a joke,
I feel.
Copy !req
873. Thank you.
Copy !req
874. And they'll come up to me and
ask me about magnets and gravity.
Copy !req
875. No, I can't explain them.
Copy !req
876. But I don't like saying I don't
know beats me asking mum.
Copy !req
877. It wears away at my self-esteem.
Copy !req
878. So I just lie.
Copy !req
879. I make shit up, you know.
Copy !req
880. They'll say magnets.
Copy !req
881. You know when you go to school in the
morning and some kids are pleased to see
Copy !req
882. other kids you're not that bothered about.
Copy !req
883. That was a bit like that.
Copy !req
884. And they're happy with that, you know.
Copy !req
885. Gravity, gravity.
Copy !req
886. Oh yeah.
Copy !req
887. You know when an
apple falls out of a tree it
Copy !req
888. creates a force that
sends the birds up in the air.
Copy !req
889. Because apples are heavier
than birds as we all know.
Copy !req
890. Because birds are made of feathers.
Everyone knows that.
Copy !req
891. Solid feather right the way through.
Copy !req
892. And the earth's got a core.
That's right.
Copy !req
893. It's got a core.
Copy !req
894. It's trying to get all the apples back.
Copy !req
895. To make cider forget.
Copy !req
896. Oh god, that's right, yeah.
Copy !req
897. A verb, a verb.
Copy !req
898. I think that's an old cockney word for a
tenor.
Copy !req
899. Yeah.
Copy !req
900. Yeah, that slag owes me a verb.
Copy !req
901. George, put a verb on that horse for us,
will you?
Copy !req
902. They asked me about Velcro.
Copy !req
903. I've got this vague notion.
Copy !req
904. It's got something to do with the Apollo
missions.
Copy !req
905. I said Velcro grows on the moon.
Copy !req
906. It grows on the moon, yeah.
Copy !req
907. Basically it's moon grass.
That's what it is really.
Copy !req
908. That's why the astronauts walk like that.
Copy !req
909. I just don't know.
Copy !req
910. I don't even understand how yogurt works.
Copy !req
911. I don't understand it.
Copy !req
912. It's off and it's got bacteria,
but it's good for you.
Copy !req
913. What the frickin' what?
Copy !req
914. Dry cleaning.
Copy !req
915. I've been going to dry cleaners for years.
Copy !req
916. I don't know what the fuck they
get up to in there. I don't know.
Copy !req
917. I just go in there.
There's a funny smell.
Copy !req
918. I sort of trust them.
Copy !req
919. I don't know what shit you guys are
getting up to.
Copy !req
920. To be honest, I don't want to know.
Copy !req
921. Always my clothes come back clean.
Copy !req
922. I'll keep shtum, but doesn't smell right,
does it?
Copy !req
923. Doesn't smell good.
Copy !req
924. Look at your eyes.
Copy !req
925. They're all red round the edge,
aren't they?
Copy !req
926. The skin is peeling off.
Copy !req
927. I'd get out of here now if I were you.
Copy !req
928. Like the other day, I was putting sun
cream on them.
Copy !req
929. They said to me, how does sun cream work?
Copy !req
930. I said...
Copy !req
931. It's invisible clothes made of cream.
Copy !req
932. There we go.
Copy !req
933. Factor 20 is a t-shirt.
Copy !req
934. Factor 50 is a duffel coat.
Copy !req
935. But the questions keep coming and they get
madder and madder.
Copy !req
936. Dad, why can't we smell noises?
Copy !req
937. What?
Copy !req
938. If we can see our face in water,
can we drink mirrors?
Copy !req
939. So what I do is I just lie.
Copy !req
940. I just lie, you know, and it makes me feel
better about myself.
Copy !req
941. I'll save on university fees, you know
what I'm saying.
Copy !req
942. But it's a theory of parenting that you
should never lie to your kids.
Copy !req
943. You know, there is a theory that you
should never ever lie to your children.
Copy !req
944. Apart from Father Christmas, the tooth
theory and how hot the food is.
Copy !req
945. It's fair enough, isn't it?
Copy !req
946. They've been given you a difficult day.
Copy !req
947. It's a bit of payback.
Copy !req
948. Those fish fingers.
Copy !req
949. Yeah, they've been out for a while now.
Copy !req
950. Yeah, work away on those.
Copy !req
951. Yeah.
Copy !req
952. It's the new smacking, that's what it is.
Copy !req
953. It's perfectly legal, they can't touch
you, I've checked.
Copy !req
954. But there is a theory, apart from that,
you should never lie to your kids.
Copy !req
955. I lie to my children all the time,
one night I spoke to my daughters to bed.
Copy !req
956. She said, Daddy, are they monsters under
my bed?
Copy !req
957. And I said, yes!
Copy !req
958. All this terrible monsters under your bed.
Copy !req
959. Paul, you don't want to bump into those
fellas.
Copy !req
960. And if you put your feet down on the
bedroom floor at any point, they'll reach
Copy !req
961. out, grab your ankles and drag you under
the bed.
Copy !req
962. And they'll take you off into like a
labyrinth of turds and wasps.
Copy !req
963. And he's on duty till seven o'clock in the
morning, seven o'clock.
Copy !req
964. Seven o'clock, seven.
Copy !req
965. So, if you wake up,
quarter's seven, just
Copy !req
966. wait 15 minutes before
you come and disturb.
Copy !req
967. You know me?
Copy !req
968. In fact, I think he's coming on duty now.
Copy !req
969. Stay on the bed, stay on...
oh, get out here...
Copy !req
970. Stay on the pastor, Mr. Chiddles.
Copy !req
971. Stay on the bed, stay on the bed.
Copy !req
972. Good night.
Copy !req
973. And some people say that's not ideal
parenting, but I think it's better than
Copy !req
974. the alternative, which is to tell the
truth, isn't it?
Copy !req
975. So they say, Daddy, are they
monsters under the bed?
Copy !req
976. They say, yeah, there's no monsters under
the bed, don't be silly.
Copy !req
977. Because then they'll say, are they
monsters outside?
Copy !req
978. And if you tell the truth,
you have to go, well,
Copy !req
979. yeah, there are, but they
don't like monsters, no.
Copy !req
980. Look, ordinary men and women.
Copy !req
981. Bit like your mummy
and your daddy, I see.
Copy !req
982. They're capable of terrible things.
Copy !req
983. Anyway, good night.
Copy !req
984. If there's anyone from social
services, I don't do that.
Copy !req
985. Anyway, so I'm in
this bike shop, and...
Copy !req
986. I don't know how
else to bring it up, really.
Copy !req
987. I have my bike stolen, and as anyone who's
had their bike stolen will know,
Copy !req
988. there's no chance of you getting the bike
back or anyone getting punished for it.
Copy !req
989. We've got a very laid back attitude towards
bike theft in this country, haven't we?
Copy !req
990. We treat it a bit like they
do cannabis in Amsterdam.
Copy !req
991. I'm sure there's guidebooks
to Britain which go, hey,
Copy !req
992. come to Britain, they love
it if you steal their bikes.
Copy !req
993. Don't crazy Brits love
nothing better than
Copy !req
994. you rad off with their
brain, you bomb work.
Copy !req
995. Come to the British bag stealing festival.
Copy !req
996. And rad off in their brand new bags.
Copy !req
997. Because I regularly see
fellas riding on, they've
Copy !req
998. got one bike and they're
holding another bike.
Copy !req
999. Which they've obviously just nicked.
Copy !req
1000. But people just go, oh
look, he's nicked a bike.
Copy !req
1001. Like it's an old pastime.
Copy !req
1002. Unless he has such a
vivid relationship with
Copy !req
1003. his imaginary friend
he bought it a bike.
Copy !req
1004. I don't know.
Copy !req
1005. I'm in the bike shop, right?
Copy !req
1006. And I was attracted towards
this ladies bike, you know.
Copy !req
1007. I thought I quite liked
it, you know, like that.
Copy !req
1008. Because I like the step through,
you know, you do that, I quite like that.
Copy !req
1009. But the guy in the bike shop was going,
yeah, but it's a ladies bike.
Copy !req
1010. You should get this
hybrid multi-terrain thing.
Copy !req
1011. And we're going, yeah, yeah.
But this is nice, isn't it?
Copy !req
1012. You put that and the saddle's
lots of room on the saddle, isn't it?
Copy !req
1013. And you can put all your
stuff in that basket thing there.
Copy !req
1014. It's a brilliant bike.
Copy !req
1015. And you're going, yes,
but it's a ladies bike.
Copy !req
1016. They really pissed me off,
I didn't buy a bike in the end.
Copy !req
1017. And I can understand if I
went to miles and Spencer's
Copy !req
1018. for a vest, came out in a
basket, you know, have a word.
Copy !req
1019. So I've been using the rental bikes,
you know, the rental bikes, they've got
Copy !req
1020. all over London, they're brilliant,
those rental bikes, you know.
Copy !req
1021. The only problem is I refuse to call them
Boris bikes, I refuse to call it.
Copy !req
1022. So I go to someone's house and I say,
how do you get it?
Copy !req
1023. I said, I came on one of the rental bikes,
I said, no, I don't call them that.
Copy !req
1024. And it's just tense because
I don't see why he gets the
Copy !req
1025. credit for something he had
nothing to do with, you know.
Copy !req
1026. It's just happened to
happen on his watch, you know.
Copy !req
1027. He doesn't take the credit for other
things, is he?
Copy !req
1028. They're not called the
Boris riots, are they?
Copy !req
1029. He didn't know there was
anybody in London in August.
Copy !req
1030. Why aren't they all in Tuscany?
Copy !req
1031. I'll call them Boris bikes when I can park
one on his fat ass, like that.
Copy !req
1032. And I'm not a fan of Boris, I'll tell you
why, because he's one of those people
Copy !req
1033. who's brilliant on television, but you
don't really know what he's capable of.
Copy !req
1034. You know, I find him quite a sinister,
scary man, because he doesn't really say
Copy !req
1035. what he believes in, he's just,
I think he's capable of anything.
Copy !req
1036. And David Cameron is
very similar, he's very good
Copy !req
1037. on television, you don't
know what he's capable of.
Copy !req
1038. And the reason I mention
it is the alternative is so
Copy !req
1039. piss poor, it's going to be
one of those two, isn't it?
Copy !req
1040. Because Ed Miliband,
there's no way he could have
Copy !req
1041. Ed Miliband as Prime
Minister, it would be cruel.
Copy !req
1042. It would be cruel.
Copy !req
1043. To put him on his own in a room with
Vladimir Putin would be cruelty.
Copy !req
1044. Vladimir Putin would
just stick his fingers
Copy !req
1045. up his nostrils and start
dragging him around.
Copy !req
1046. booting him up the arse.
Copy !req
1047. Ed Miliband would get
bullied in the night garden.
Copy !req
1048. Eagle Pig will just go.
Copy !req
1049. And he's such a strange looking man,
isn't he?
Copy !req
1050. To me, he looks like a startled Hawaiian
lesbian, isn't he?
Copy !req
1051. You know, when you come across one in a
clearing, they just...
Copy !req
1052. And I think he said it, somebody
said it in a speech recently,
Copy !req
1053. and I thought it was a very
good thing about politics.
Copy !req
1054. And what they said was, they said,
we should all think about what sort of
Copy !req
1055. world we want to live in, what
sort of world you want to live in.
Copy !req
1056. I think it's a very good
question to ask people
Copy !req
1057. to help and choose who
to vote for, you know.
Copy !req
1058. And I started to think more and more about
this, what sort of world do I want to live
Copy !req
1059. in, help me choose which
political parties I get behind.
Copy !req
1060. And I realise, for example, I want to live
in a world, I want to live in a world
Copy !req
1061. where George Foreman
actually makes those grills.
Copy !req
1062. He's in a shed with loads of oxyacetling,
burning stuff, soldering kit,
Copy !req
1063. full of pozzies head round the door and
goes, George, we need more of them grills.
Copy !req
1064. We got an order here for 2,000 grills.
Copy !req
1065. You better hurry up, George.
Copy !req
1066. George goes, what do
you think I'm doing, man?
Copy !req
1067. I'm making fucking grills.
Copy !req
1068. I'm having problems with the detachable
drip tray for easy cleaning.
Copy !req
1069. But the fuck I won't clip on, right?
Copy !req
1070. You've finished this goddamn grill,
I'm going to start another one.
Copy !req
1071. Sometimes I wish I never
had the idea for making grills.
Copy !req
1072. Because I make them so damn good.
Copy !req
1073. Yeah, that's the world.
Copy !req
1074. I want to live in a world where if you put
your name summits, because you made it,
Copy !req
1075. David Beckham has to make
the pants that he sells in his name.
Copy !req
1076. Most of you were wearing a pair of pants
made by David Beckham.
Copy !req
1077. Actually, they'd probably
just have one hole for
Copy !req
1078. the leg and you'd be
walking around like that.
Copy !req
1079. Yeah, yeah, I've got these new Beckham
pants, what do you reckon they're pretty?
Copy !req
1080. I look pretty cool in them, I think,
you know.
Copy !req
1081. Sort of world I want to live in.
Copy !req
1082. I want to live in a world, this is really
interesting person to me.
Copy !req
1083. I want to live in a world where a doctor
doesn't need to get a long fiber optic cable,
Copy !req
1084. with another cable attached to it,
which they don't tell you about,
Copy !req
1085. two cables.
Copy !req
1086. You need to get two cables and force
them down your tiny little dry pea hole
Copy !req
1087. into your bladder just to tell
you everything's all right.
Copy !req
1088. It doesn't need to get two cables and
force them down, deep down inside you.
Copy !req
1089. You know, you think about all the medical
advancements have been made in great leaps
Copy !req
1090. in medical science, and we're still sticking
cables down a man's penis, you know.
Copy !req
1091. Incredible leaps have been made.
Copy !req
1092. But on that area now, let's find just
stick cables down there.
Copy !req
1093. You know, they wouldn't have
done that on the deck of the victory.
Copy !req
1094. They sawing people's legs off,
cutting them over and they go,
Copy !req
1095. should we stick the cable down there?
Copy !req
1096. No, for Christ's sake, that's... that's
horrendous.
Copy !req
1097. I want to discover something less
medieval, you know.
Copy !req
1098. They probably, everyone
goes, should we do
Copy !req
1099. something about this
cable down the cock thing?
Copy !req
1100. No, it's just man, they're
just, he's going to do
Copy !req
1101. something horrible with his
cock anyway, you know, sort of.
Copy !req
1102. You know, force two cables down what I
would never describe as a whole.
Copy !req
1103. I would never call that a whole.
Copy !req
1104. If you saw that anywhere else, you
wouldn't go as a whole there, you wouldn't.
Copy !req
1105. If you saw it on a bit of skirting board,
you wouldn't go, oh brilliant, we can.
Copy !req
1106. we can run the cables
through there, that's lovely, that is.
Copy !req
1107. That's handy, we'll
save on drilling, we'll
Copy !req
1108. just get them through
there and knock off early.
Copy !req
1109. That's not a whole thing, it is.
Copy !req
1110. Oh, you hold it straight, I'll get it in
as a bloody hole, that is.
Copy !req
1111. It's not a hole, it's a very deep crack.
Copy !req
1112. And in the process, ruin your penis,
that my penis is ruined, they ruined it,
Copy !req
1113. it's not...
Copy !req
1114. It's not immediately obvious,
over time you realise, you know.
Copy !req
1115. If I go for a piss now, it takes about
half a second.
Copy !req
1116. It's like emptying a bucket of water,
just...
Copy !req
1117. Sorry about that, do apologise.
Copy !req
1118. Normally I use the cube
because Bertrand's busy.
Copy !req
1119. But look what they did to it,
look what they did to it, look.
Copy !req
1120. You can keep tennis balls up there,
you know, it's just them.
Copy !req
1121. It's like a floppy Pringles tube.
Copy !req
1122. The other thing, all right,
another thing that's bugged to
Copy !req
1123. me, I want to live in a world
where cats respect fencing.
Copy !req
1124. You know, if dogs were jumping
round from garden to garden,
Copy !req
1125. you could have thought your
bloody dog out, what's going on?
Copy !req
1126. Jumping, ran around the garden,
scared a shit out of everyone.
Copy !req
1127. You could chain it up, like, oh,
you can't chain a cat up.
Copy !req
1128. Yes, you can!
Copy !req
1129. You could chain anything up.
Copy !req
1130. You'd get it and you put a chain on it.
Copy !req
1131. If you could put soap on a rope,
you could put a chain on a cat or a lamp.
Copy !req
1132. Anyway, you don't need to, I've invented
something, a solution, brilliant solution.
Copy !req
1133. It's a box, it's a long narrow box,
you put the cat in the box.
Copy !req
1134. At the end of the box is a hole for the
cat's head.
Copy !req
1135. At the bottom of the box is
four holes for the cat's legs.
Copy !req
1136. And it can enjoy
all of your garden.
Copy !req
1137. It can enjoy every
corner of your garden.
Copy !req
1138. And you can paint the box the same colour
as the cat, so it's not embarrassed.
Copy !req
1139. But as soon as it wants to leave your
garden, climb out, it's impeded by the box.
Copy !req
1140. And there you've got a solution.
Copy !req
1141. Because I am sick and tired of looking out
of my kitchen window, and there's a cat
Copy !req
1142. staring at me like I'm something dripping
off a toilet brush.
Copy !req
1143. I also contempt on its face.
Copy !req
1144. Looks at me like I built my home on an
ancient cat burial ground.
Copy !req
1145. He has desecrated the resting place of the
elders.
Copy !req
1146. I don't let them settle.
Copy !req
1147. As soon as I see one, literally whatever
I'm doing.
Copy !req
1148. Whatever I do, as soon as I see one,
coffee cut down like that, out the door.
Copy !req
1149. But that can be quite awkward
because I could be having
Copy !req
1150. a civilised conversation with
a neighbour I barely know.
Copy !req
1151. Just move to the area.
Copy !req
1152. Yes, no, we'd love to come
around for the barbecue.
Copy !req
1153. That's very...
Yeah, on Tuesday, yes.
Copy !req
1154. Excuse me a minute.
Copy !req
1155. Because I don't like that cat's cats do
not like that.
Copy !req
1156. To be honest, most people don't.
There's very few.
Copy !req
1157. There's very few people.
Copy !req
1158. Did you go, be over in a sec.
Copy !req
1159. In fact, I use it in traffic instead of
swearing.
Copy !req
1160. Someone cuts me up.
Copy !req
1161. I don't swear.
Copy !req
1162. If someone cuts me up, I just go...
Copy !req
1163. Because they're never sure
whether they saw that or not.
Copy !req
1164. Did I see that?
Copy !req
1165. You really get in their mind, you know.
Copy !req
1166. And after you've done it, it returns with
sort of like a cheery smile.
Copy !req
1167. Get right in there.
Copy !req
1168. Another thing, right?
I want to live in a world.
Copy !req
1169. I want to live in a world where...
Copy !req
1170. If you're a pop star, pop
singer, and you're not a
Copy !req
1171. great singer, you haven't
got a brilliant singing voice.
Copy !req
1172. You don't compensate for it by slowly
sticking your ass in my face.
Copy !req
1173. Yeah, never mind about singing.
Copy !req
1174. This is much better than any
old sing song, isn't it? Look at that.
Copy !req
1175. That's what we really came for,
didn't we?
Copy !req
1176. That's no singing,
anyone can sing
Copy !req
1177. but we cut like this.
Copy !req
1178. I'm sure there's a mathematical equation
you can do between how bad a singer you
Copy !req
1179. are and how far you need
to stick your ass out.
Copy !req
1180. Don't listen to this.
Look at this.
Copy !req
1181. If you see the pussy cat doll's life,
the only thing you don't see is the cat.
Copy !req
1182. Here we go, have a look at that.
Copy !req
1183. That's lovely now.
Copy !req
1184. Oh, that's what you want to look at.
Copy !req
1185. That's nice in it.
That's nice in it.
Copy !req
1186. Sorry, got a bit mad then.
Copy !req
1187. All I'm saying is, if you can't sing,
don't sing.
Copy !req
1188. Don't sing and try
and make up for it with
Copy !req
1189. genitals, because to
me that's not a trailer.
Copy !req
1190. As you did that with other jobs,
the first time you realised the plumber
Copy !req
1191. couldn't fix your boiler was when his
penis slapped onto the back of your hand.
Copy !req
1192. And he's standing next to you with one
button undone and his overalls going...
Copy !req
1193. Sorry, not familiar with that boiler.
Copy !req
1194. Let's check this back in.
Copy !req
1195. Come on, get the pilot light started.
Copy !req
1196. So I thought this might compensate for
your family's lack of hot water.
Copy !req
1197. Cab driver turns round and goes,
we're lost.
Copy !req
1198. Another thing right, also,
I want to live in a world
Copy !req
1199. where you're not allowed
to advertise to children.
Copy !req
1200. No advertising to kids.
Copy !req
1201. It's not on.
Copy !req
1202. People come into my home
uninvited through the medium of
Copy !req
1203. television and they wave
shiny shit in my kids' faces, right?
Copy !req
1204. And it's not fair.
Copy !req
1205. We can defend ourselves against
advertising.
Copy !req
1206. We can make judgements, choices and
decisions.
Copy !req
1207. Children can't do that.
Copy !req
1208. They can't do that because
they're fucking idiots.
Copy !req
1209. They're morals, they're
thick as pig shit.
Copy !req
1210. You put a picture of Shrek on
a bag of gravel, they want it.
Copy !req
1211. Big hammock of snot hanging
out of their chin.
Copy !req
1212. If all advertising was
door to door, if you could
Copy !req
1213. only advertise door to
door, you wouldn't tolerate it.
Copy !req
1214. Someone knocked on your door,
you haven't your door, mate.
Copy !req
1215. Can I speak to your seven-year-old
daughter, please?
Copy !req
1216. Hang her out.
Copy !req
1217. And he bends down,
ignores you and goes, look, it's
Copy !req
1218. a my pretty polypocket
mini vanity release set.
Copy !req
1219. And that spins around, that opens up,
then the message isn't there.
Copy !req
1220. And he'll let carrots and play
with your friends, aren't it?
Copy !req
1221. After a while, you go, fuck off.
Copy !req
1222. Sorry, Daddy said it again, isn't he?
Copy !req
1223. Still, you're here at
school soon enough.
Copy !req
1224. Or they will.
Copy !req
1225. Because you never think
you're the source, too.
Copy !req
1226. Yeah, it'd be great if all advertising was
done door to door.
Copy !req
1227. I'd love that, especially
when celebrities did adverts.
Copy !req
1228. Because that'd be great, wouldn't it be
walking across your hallway, the letterbox
Copy !req
1229. would flip open, and you'd hear a voice
going, Hello, it's Sir Chris Hoy here.
Copy !req
1230. Before I go cycling, I
like a ball of bram fleeks.
Copy !req
1231. Oh, Christ.
Copy !req
1232. Hello.
Copy !req
1233. Sir Chris Hoy here.
Copy !req
1234. Before I go cycling, I
like a ball of bram fleeks.
Copy !req
1235. Oh, kill me now.
Copy !req
1236. And he'd bump into other celebrities on
the street.
Copy !req
1237. Oh, hello, Kira.
Copy !req
1238. Hello, Chris.
Copy !req
1239. Hi, it's Kira Knightley
here from the films.
Copy !req
1240. Yes, I didn't think I
needed the money either.
Copy !req
1241. Anyway, I'm wearing a really tight
catsuit.
Copy !req
1242. And when I walk away, I'd like you to look
at my arse and think about Coco Chanel.
Copy !req
1243. Yeah, it's really subtle.
Copy !req
1244. It's my arse and perfume.
Copy !req
1245. Oh, who's this?
Copy !req
1246. Hello.
Copy !req
1247. Hello, Ray.
Copy !req
1248. Hello, Kira.
Copy !req
1249. It's Ray Winstone here.
Copy !req
1250. Put a bet on you, Slag!
Copy !req
1251. There's loads of markets in play now.
Copy !req
1252. Oh, who's that coming along the street?
Copy !req
1253. Oh, it's David Beckham.
Copy !req
1254. Hello, Ray.
Copy !req
1255. Man of a thousand voices.
Copy !req
1256. Hello, David Beckham here.
Copy !req
1257. Everything under the sun.
Copy !req
1258. All of it, hats, flannels, spanners,
trousers, leather bikes.
Copy !req
1259. Just buy shit, alright?
Copy !req
1260. Thank you.
Copy !req
1261. So, as you can see, it's
quite difficult for me to
Copy !req
1262. find a political party to suit
all my needs, you know?
Copy !req
1263. Because sometimes I can be left to being.
Copy !req
1264. Other times I'm quite right when.
Copy !req
1265. You know, like people talk about all the
stuff we get from America.
Copy !req
1266. I was thinking, why
don't we get to the decent
Copy !req
1267. stuff from America, like
guns or the death penalty?
Copy !req
1268. Not for murder, but definitely bike theft,
sort that out.
Copy !req
1269. You know, there's already
debate in society about
Copy !req
1270. whether they should
chemically castrate pedophiles.
Copy !req
1271. I've gone way over
the line on this one.
Copy !req
1272. I'm into liquidiser them, you know?
Copy !req
1273. You know, they're empty plinths on
Trafalgar Square.
Copy !req
1274. Put a massive liquidiser on there,
like 40 foot high, huge liquidiser.
Copy !req
1275. What a brilliant way
to start the weekend.
Copy !req
1276. It's five o'clock, it's Friday,
let's liquidiser Pido.
Copy !req
1277. It may twist the other way, I'm just
saying.
Copy !req
1278. There goes man, it's big party atmosphere,
it's Friday.
Copy !req
1279. And people are playing bands, they're
playing music.
Copy !req
1280. People are selling food, there's
protesters there, no, it's in all this.
Copy !req
1281. And it'd be like the
Christmas lights, whoever's
Copy !req
1282. number one that week
gets to press the button.
Copy !req
1283. So this week liquidiser the Pido's,
it's Maroon Five!
Copy !req
1284. I love those guys.
Copy !req
1285. And at the start, there's just a man
standing there, his glasses on,
Copy !req
1286. and obviously his spatters, trousers,
like that.
Copy !req
1287. And within a second, he's just like a
green soup, like that.
Copy !req
1288. He goes wayyy!
Copy !req
1289. And he'd be like the London Eye, you
know, loads of cities have got them now.
Copy !req
1290. You know, it'd be all over the country,
every Friday everyone's going.
Copy !req
1291. And of course, eventually we'd run out,
we'd run out.
Copy !req
1292. Wouldn't we, which would be a difficult
moment, everyone would pile into Trafalgar
Copy !req
1293. Square going... Hey, come
on, we're going to let them go.
Copy !req
1294. We haven't got any, we've run out.
Copy !req
1295. Oh, you kidding, you're joking.
Copy !req
1296. I was looking forward to that.
Copy !req
1297. I've got a friend over from Holland who
really wanted to see it.
Copy !req
1298. Now we've run out and got any.
Copy !req
1299. Oh, God, Jesus.
Copy !req
1300. He looks like one, he does.
Copy !req
1301. Look at him, look at his glasses,
get him in there, get him in, get him in!
Copy !req
1302. Or we could have to
import them from China.
Copy !req
1303. How many people you want?
Copy !req
1304. Many of you got mate, we can't get enough,
we love them, just send them over.
Copy !req
1305. And they'll come over in those container
ships, you know?
Copy !req
1306. And they'll open the
container at Southampton,
Copy !req
1307. they'll come out blinking
like Pitponies, like this.
Copy !req
1308. Where's the kids?
Copy !req
1309. Where's the kids?
Copy !req
1310. Where's the kids?
Copy !req
1311. Straight into the liquid, I was like...
Copy !req
1312. Hey, back on.
Copy !req
1313. And you may call me a dreamer.
Copy !req
1314. But I'm not the only one.
Copy !req
1315. Thank you very much, you've been a
fantastic crowd, great pleasure.
Copy !req
1316. Thank you.
Copy !req
1317. I just thought we needed a little
palate cleanser after that last bit.
Copy !req
1318. I thought there's a few
people out there, I don't
Copy !req
1319. think they managed to
visualise it properly, so...
Copy !req
1320. Lovely feeling that.
Copy !req
1321. At last I got it on.
Copy !req
1322. I noticed a few people take pictures, can't
make requests, please don't take pictures.
Copy !req
1323. Firstly, why?
Copy !req
1324. I could understand if
you were walking through
Copy !req
1325. the woods and you saw
me, through the trees.
Copy !req
1326. But people take pictures,
they end up out there on Twitter.
Copy !req
1327. I'd like it to be our little secret,
our little secret.
Copy !req
1328. I don't want to spoil the surprise for
other people, you know?
Copy !req
1329. Because this is one of those jokes,
you know, I don't want to come out one
Copy !req
1330. night and everyone goes, oh, is that a bit
of a word about that?
Copy !req
1331. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1332. This is one of those jokes.
Copy !req
1333. If it doesn't work, it's quite difficult
to move on from.
Copy !req
1334. Anyway, never mind about that.
Copy !req
1335. So, what's been going on there?
Copy !req
1336. And as you can see, the logistical
problems are just, you know, the eating.
Copy !req
1337. You know, just you lie
down, not both of you.
Copy !req
1338. And if the horse doesn't like what you're
eating, you know, if you've arranged for a
Copy !req
1339. burger to be laid down there, it can
rebel, kind of go, oh, don't eat that.
Copy !req
1340. All right, I admit, it's a knob gag.
Copy !req
1341. I started here at work backwards,
but I want to be on stage, massive knob
Copy !req
1342. waving it around, how do I do that?
Copy !req
1343. In fact, it doesn't look like a knob,
does it?
Copy !req
1344. It looks like I've been
molested by an old lady, isn't it?
Copy !req
1345. Sure, I love all your shows.
Copy !req
1346. You know, those old ladies who let their
hair down at night?
Copy !req
1347. I'm like a young girl again.
Copy !req
1348. You know, when I
started in this business,
Copy !req
1349. I had many hopes and
dreams and aspirations.
Copy !req
1350. I didn't see this coming at all.
Copy !req
1351. But, you know, it's a night mess, you
know, trying to get up, fighting off walls.
Copy !req
1352. Get off me, like that.
Copy !req
1353. Anyway, here I'll road up.
Copy !req
1354. Oh, by the way, if anyone's
been affected by any
Copy !req
1355. issues raised in this, there's
a number you can phone.
Copy !req
1356. It's been, like, quite a good channel for
a documentary, wouldn't it?
Copy !req
1357. The boy who was a reverse centaur.
Copy !req
1358. But before I go, I'd just like to thank my
wife, because I don't know what it was
Copy !req
1359. that I said that made her
buy me this for Christmas, but...
Copy !req
1360. I don't know what it was.
Copy !req