Sean Lock: Purple Van Man (2013)

1. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on to the stage, Sean Lott.

2. This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

3. Thank you.

4. Hello, Hammersmith.

5. Thank you. Thank you for coming out tonight, Saturday night.

6. Excited.

7. Definitely be here. I've been touring for a while now.

8. Shows have gone pretty well.

9. There's only one place I won't go back to.

10. That's Guilford. Not going back to Guilford.

11. That's a terrible blues song, isn't it? I'm not going back to Guilford.

12. I don't know what it is in Guilford.

13. I don't mean they just don't like laughing. They don't.

14. They do smile at someone in Guilford.

15. They look at you like got mental health issues.

16. You go, hello, they go, what's matter with you?

17. Actually, they stared at me like they were looking out the windows

18. of a bus replacement service.

19. He's never seen anyone smiling out of a bus replacement service, do you?

20. This is brilliant. Much better than the train,

21. because he visits so many different villages.

22. They looked like my dad looked when he found out what his pension was worth.

23. And between fair to them, it was the week that Margaret Thatcher died,

24. and they're quite fond of her in those parts.

25. And a couple of things that I said, a couple of the comments that I made might

26. not have gone down in the spirit they were intended.

27. All I said was, all I said was, well, hey, that was it.

28. That was all I said.

29. That was it.

30. I just went like that.

31. I didn't have a party. I didn't have a party.

32. Well, you wouldn't call it a party.

33. It was drinks, nibbles, few friends, you know.

34. Police were called once. That's not a party.

35. And I had to mention a fitting tribute to her was when they cremated her,

36. it would be great if they ran out of coal.

37. That was all.

38. I burnt myself the other day.

39. You know when you burn yourself domestically in your

40. own home, you're always really stupid, don't you?

41. I burnt myself.

42. I mistook the iron for the telephone.

43. The really stupid thing is, I was dialing at the time.

44. And I was doing the old fashioned ring rounds as well.

45. So I was trying to get through the hospital because I just burnt my ear.

46. Lovely joke, an old victim, beautiful.

47. Anyway, that's that bit over.

48. I'm very good at linking it up on it.

49. I love my wife. I love my kids.

50. I'm a very lucky man. I do admit I'm a very lucky man.

51. She's not even in.

52. No.

53. But there are times I do miss the old days, you know, before I was married.

54. I do miss the things.

55. I think the thing I miss most of all about being

56. single is the songs you sing when you're single.

57. You know, the songs you sing when you're just

58. walking around your house, start singing a song.

59. I'm going to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea now.

60. I might have a biscuit or a crisps sandwich.

61. You can't do that when you live with other people, can you?

62. Because they don't want to see that.

63. They want to think you've got your shit together.

64. I say I love my wife, sometimes I'm not sure.

65. Well, the symptoms of being in love, shortness of breath, lightheadedness,

66. inability to concentrate, are exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning.

67. So I said, I think I love you, but should we just get the boiler service?

68. No, I do.

69. I love her very much, but she upset me this last Christmas

70. because basically she was giving me my Christmas present.

71. And before I opened it, she said, oh, you do know, by the way, you do know,

72. it's very hard to find presents for a man of your age.

73. And I found that quite hurtful.

74. And if there are any men of my age and a bit of advice, be very careful what you

75. show enthusiasm for in the weeks before Christmas.

76. You show the slightest enthusiasm or interest in anything.

77. You're getting that for Christmas, okay?

78. You know, in the most innocuous comments she can be going up to bed.

79. You say, I'll be up in a minute.

80. I'm just going to watch the news.

81. Oh.

82. He likes the news.

83. And you'll get a biography of Hugh Edwards.

84. What a guy.

85. Oh, he's never had an x-ray.

86. I didn't know that.

87. Once I were out walking in the countryside and there was a bird hovering in the sky.

88. And she said, oh, that's a buzzer.

89. I said, no, that's a kestrel.

90. She said, I didn't know he knew about that.

91. I said, yeah, little bit, stuff like that, a little bit, a little bit.

92. Cut to six months later, I'm standing in a field.

93. Could be a little bit of a glove on.

94. Cube of meat on a string.

95. Yeah, I'm having a great day.

96. It's like he read my mind.

97. I didn't do that.

98. I didn't do that.

99. Don't upset the greenies.

100. Once I got a fish tank, I opened this fish tank.

101. I said, why?

102. What did I say?

103. What?

104. Because I'd been really careful at that point.

105. I'd be, you know, what did I say?

106. She said, do you remember you went in the pet shop?

107. You stare at the fish for ages?

108. I said, yeah, because it was pissing with rain.

109. I thought about October to December.

110. I don't say anything positive about anything.

111. Once I got a ferry in October.

112. You know, ferry is an awful crap dismal experience.

113. This was a ferry from Holland.

114. Really nice ferry.

115. Really clean, you know, the food was really good.

116. It was really nice.

117. And I was about to say, oh, God, this is a nice ferry, isn't it?

118. And I thought, oh, no, don't say that.

119. Don't say that.

120. Because I had this image on Christmas morning of opening

121. an envelope and pulling out a golden ferry ticket.

122. A magical VIP day out on the ferry.

123. Helped the captain steer the ferry out of port.

124. Wave the cars onto the deck.

125. Sing a song with the group, liquid motion.

126. The other day I intercepted her.

127. I intercepted her, ordering me some bees.

128. I was like, yeah, what are the bees?

129. The bees come second, the hive first, you don't remember that.

130. I'll just grab the phone.

131. We don't want any bees, go away.

132. I said, why are you ordering me bees?

133. She said, well, you were going on about the pli at the honeybee.

134. You say, it's terrible.

135. People don't plant flowers anymore.

136. They're decked their guards.

137. The honeybees struggling to survive.

138. And soon when that happens, the whole of society will collapse.

139. You know, you're going on about it.

140. I said, yeah, what you're mistaken there is.

141. I like moaning.

142. I don't give a shit about bees.

143. I can't tell you it's between bees and what?

144. I just kill anything I see.

145. Basically, she wants me to have a hobby.

146. She wants me to have a hobby because I don't get a lot of spare time.

147. But if I do get any spare time, what I like doing is standing in rooms in

148. the house, staring into the middle distance.

149. I'm not quite happy there.

150. She says it's depressing.

151. You know, I'm never happier if I'm sitting on

152. the bed, end of the edge of the bed, in my pants.

153. I've got one sock on, another one in my hand.

154. I could do 20 my socks on, but very slowly.

155. She wants me to have a hobby.

156. I do have a hobby, but it's just not considered a hobby.

157. People don't consider it a hobby.

158. My hobby is drinking. I like drinking.

159. It's not considered a hobby. It's not considered a hobby.

160. When I say I like to go out and get really drunk.

161. If you could see my little face when I know I'm going to go out drinking,

162. you'd just go, oh, he loves that.

163. Look at his little face.

164. Nobody goes fishing with this excitement on their face.

165. I don't do it all the time, but when I go out to get drunk, I like to get really drunk.

166. I like to get about four units the right side of shitting myself.

167. Right place to be.

168. Now, drawing on my face, this brilliant idea, combing my hair with a shoe.

169. I worked out my relationship with alcohol.

170. It's very similar to the relationship that a moth has with a light bulb.

171. You see a moth having a session on the light bulb.

172. It's just there going, bang, bang, bang, bang.

173. This is brilliant.

174. Who switched this on?

175. If you could interview a moth after a night on the light bulb,

176. it'd be very similar to me with a hangover.

177. He says to the moth, what happened then?

178. I'll go, oh, no, I've got it again.

179. How'd you feel now? I feel bloody awful.

180. I'm covered in burns.

181. Everyone saw me.

182. Oh, God.

183. Because I was the worst, wasn't I?

184. I was the worst.

185. Eight hours I was up there.

186. I bloody love you.

187. Because someone, the money do an hour, then piss off behind the fridge.

188. What's that all about?

189. Do you think you've got a problem? No. No, not at all.

190. If you don't switch the light bulb on, I'm fine.

191. I could do three weeks on a wall, not bothered at all.

192. Usually say to light bulb, yes!

193. And by the way, I'm not advocating alcoholism here.

194. I'm sticking up for a group in society, but I need to get very bad treatment,

195. very bad press, which is binge drinkers.

196. Nobody ever says anything good about binge drinkers.

197. It's always really negative.

198. Oh, binge drinkers.

199. Look at them. Oh, I've got such a binge drinkers.

200. Look what they've done to the town centre.

201. That's what they're saying.

202. Oh, God, look what they've done to the town centre.

203. We didn't ruin the town centre.

204. Tesco's on the internet did that.

205. Yeah, just finishing the job.

206. You know?

207. It's not the main problem.

208. It's a bit like when you've fought in a cheese shop.

209. It's not the main problem.

210. Or kick a dead bird.

211. What are you doing? It's dead. Chill out.

212. Put a chewing gum on a mullet.

213. No, you get really badly treated, you know?

214. And I'm suffered discrimination.

215. I've suffered discrimination as a binge drinker.

216. I know that I've been for job interviews.

217. And the only reason I didn't get that job is because I was fucking hammered.

218. Incredible in this day and age, isn't it?

219. I was a bit suspicious when they wouldn't join in the sing song.

220. Where do you see yourself in five years' time, Mr Lot?

221. Pub, ha ha!

222. They couldn't see beyond that.

223. And the press joined in.

224. The press are very much involved in this, aren't they?

225. I remember there was a picture of a girl once in Newcastle in the city centre.

226. She kept all her clothes on, but for a laugh,

227. she pulled her knickers down to her ankles.

228. And she was standing in the centre of Newcastle going, way!

229. And the headline of other was something like, oh, God.

230. And I remember looking at the picture thinking, what is wrong with that?

231. She's obviously having a brilliant time.

232. You've got to be in a fantastic mood, to be in the heart of the city where you live,

233. where you go shopping, you go to work, you meet friends, to be in life.

234. That's a great moment in your life.

235. I put that on my CV.

236. There we go, happiest I've ever been.

237. That's also the answer to hobbies and interests.

238. I've never met anybody who's depressed, he's behaved like that.

239. I never chat to anyone who's depressed at how you feel and I feel terrible.

240. It's a dreadful, every decision I make a disaster.

241. I can't see a way of muddling through this miserable period in my life.

242. Everything just seems dark and hopeless and pointless.

243. The other day I went down to the canal.

244. I was staring at the dark, black water, trying to find

245. a good reason to continue this miserable existence.

246. And also, you don't need to make binge drinkers

247. feel bad because they'll do that themselves.

248. If I've had a little drinky, the next day, at least three or four times, at random

249. moments through that day, I could be doing something like making a cup of tea,

250. suddenly I'll just go...

251. What's the matter with you Sean?

252. I just remembered something last...

253. And the weird thing is,

254. once you have one of those memories, you've got it for life.

255. For some reason, your brain refuses to forget cringeworthy, embarrassing moments,

256. shameful moments.

257. You can forget the most important information, stuff.

258. You really need to know.

259. You can forget all of that.

260. But it remembers every single moment in your life that you've gone...

261. I had one the other day.

262. I remember the time I left a note out for the

263. milkman and accidentally I put a kiss on it.

264. I said, why am I thinking of that?

265. Just it's like some humiliation jukebox to

266. go, let's have a look at this one from 1983.

267. I had one at the other day.

268. There was no reason to remember this.

269. I was walking through the park.

270. A beautiful sunny day, there's children out playing, flowers are out.

271. And I said, I remember this date I'd been on years ago.

272. We're halfway through it.

273. The girl pointed out that my shirt was buttoned up on the wrong side.

274. So technically, I was wearing a blouse.

275. The thing is, as I remembered it, I was walking past a dwarf.

276. There was a dwarf.

277. There was a dwarf about there. And I was about there.

278. And I went, and I felt the need to explain to him that it was nothing to do.

279. That wasn't kind of Lord of the Rings, Igor type thing.

280. I was a bit worried.

281. So I said, sorry, mate, I didn't mean you.

282. And he said, what do you want about?

283. And I said, when I went,

284. it was nothing to do with Igor, Lord of the Rings.

285. And he said, why would I think that?

286. And now that's become something that makes me go, eh.

287. I tell you, actually, one thing I've worked out, as you wouldn't necessarily reduce my

288. drinking, but definitely reduce trips to the pub.

289. I believe it's a lack of banter in the home in the domestic environment.

290. Sometimes I'll say to my wife something like, how long do

291. you think we could all live if we only eat toffee apples?

292. You know, just putting it out there.

293. And she'll roll her eyes and carry on doing something worth worthwhile.

294. Was it in the pub? You get 20 minutes out of that?

295. It's a bloody good question, Sean.

296. You've got the vitamin, you've got the fiber from the

297. apple, you've got the energy, glucose, and the toffee.

298. I wanted to stick pound up into a place, makes a carb.

299. Mmm.

300. Bit of a great one the other day we were talking

301. about, what's the filthiest tea spoon you've ever seen?

302. Oh, what a night.

303. Let's have a lock in, it was brilliant.

304. At what point does a lager top become a shandy?

305. Who would you rather share a sleeping bag with us, we did the other day?

306. You've got a choice, you've got one night in the same bag, got Ronnie Wood from the

307. Rolling Stones, or Jeremy Vine from BBC Radio 2.

308. Ronnie Wood for one night.

309. She had a lot better response than the one my wife had.

310. I asked her, she turned her back to me, walked over, looked out of a window,

311. and her shoulders went...

312. And she mustn't sign about, I suppose we've got kids and it's better.

313. You know, actually the right answer, the people who said Jeremy Vine,

314. that's the correct answer.

315. A lot of people choose Ronnie, they think Ronnie is a bit of a character

316. and they're all the and it don't show the character.

317. Of course, what they're forgetting is just how bony Ronnie is.

318. Every part of Ronnie is a sharp, jaggedy, pointy edge.

319. His arse is like a piece of flint.

320. Naked, Ronnie looks like a box of KFC when you're throwing the bones back in, right?

321. He's held together with bits of chicken skin, Ronnie Wood.

322. And it would be shaking because he's giving up the pills and the booze.

323. Ronnie, yeah,

324. I've thought about this stuff, yeah.

325. Whereas Jeremy Vine, tedious bastard, dull, boring,

326. pointless man, like a warm column of pissy air.

327. But you get the feeling, when he shuts his

328. eyes, eight hours straight through, no bother.

329. People say to me, why are you having a good Jeremy Vine?

330. I say, because I hate him.

331. It seems good reason, enough.

332. I don't like Jeremy Vine, I tell you why.

333. Because you know he does that radio two show

334. and they have these debates on radio two.

335. We're going to be debates today and they're not debates, they're just ways to

336. wind the country up, make the country an unhappier, angrier place, don't they?

337. Yeah.

338. What?

339. I think that was like, that's century Norse.

340. It's Jeremy Vine, I've just realised.

341. It's Jeremy Vine, he's dressed up as a drunken old mad cookney.

342. I'm sneaking, I've heard about this routine.

343. I have a couple of people.

344. ?

345. ?

346. And then he'll just disappear into the fog like Jack the Ripper.

347. Yeah, you know, they have those debates on the show and

348. they don't, they just make the country an unhappier place.

349. Well, it just winds people up, it tracks nutters to phone in.

350. Well, they have a debate that says today, we're talking about sex education.

351. Some people say it happens too soon.

352. Other people say it doesn't happen soon enough.

353. Are they right?

354. Should we have sex education in nurseries, play groups?

355. Shouldn't teddy bears have genitals?

356. And there'll be someone I haven't going, what?

357. Teddy bears with cocks?

358. No, they're going to put cogs on the Teddy bears.

359. And they phone it.

360. And they pick weird subjects to have debate about them.

361. They'll pick something like, you know, there was one, there was this burglar

362. who'd objected in court to being called a coward.

363. The prosecution called him a coward.

364. He said, I'm not a coward.

365. So they started discussing it and saying, well, is he right?

366. Are burglars brave?

367. Should we admire them?

368. Are they, are they just entrepreneurs?

369. Sometimes they do this trick where they leave a

370. detail out to make a little bomb go off in your head.

371. It's not like, who's to blame for, we're talking about the government.

372. Is it the NHS?

373. Is it the food industry?

374. And they know loads of people at home going, we just mentioned the fat people.

375. Yeah.

376. Today we're talking about binge drinking.

377. Why do you do it?

378. Are you sad, lonely, depressed?

379. Do you have low self-esteem?

380. Do you need alcohol to enjoy social situations?

381. And that's how I burnt my ear.

382. I think one of the things that I'm most known for is my inquiring mind.

383. I think that's one of the things people always say about me.

384. Here comes Sean with his inquiring mind.

385. The other day I was watching the television.

386. I was watching, you know, those compare the market, compare the meerkat ads.

387. I was watching one of those, and I was like, how come that's OK?

388. They've got a Russian, Eastern European accent.

389. I come, that's fine. Nobody objects to that.

390. I think, if those meerkats were Chinese, they'd be uproar, wouldn't they?

391. If they came out and went, you want cheaper cards for ads?

392. You go, comparemarket.com.

393. You're bloody area.

394. Whoa, what are you doing?

395. You can't do that.

396. Or they were Mexican.

397. If you want to compare meerkats, compare meerkat.com.

398. You can't compare meerkats like my sister.

399. Well, really, meerkats from Africa should be an African voice, shouldn't it?

400. For Chewbacca insurance.

401. Whoa.

402. What do you think you'd do it?

403. Stop him now.

404. And the reason I mention that is because I

405. realised something quite profound the other day.

406. I was at home, I was a bit bored. I wasn't wearing these clothes.

407. I was wearing my normal clothes.

408. I started checking the labels on my clothes.

409. I realised something like, at that moment, I realised if I wasn't for the Chinese,

410. I would have been naked.

411. All my clothes were made in China, everything.

412. Even my pants were made in China.

413. And they're not like Chinesey pants.

414. They haven't got dragons on them, anything like that.

415. It's an ordinary pair of pants.

416. I don't know as my phone was made in China.

417. My telly was made in China.

418. I've got an Ikea table.

419. I assume Sweden. No, China.

420. I worked out. I'm virtually Chinese.

421. The only thing I haven't got is the way to do that going.

422. Hello, I'm Sean Law.

423. People go, what are you doing?

424. Oh, I think how can I possibly be racist?

425. I bloody love China. I'm obsessed with the place.

426. I did. I live in a pagoda.

427. To be honest, I don't think you can be racist about a

428. country that's more economically powerful than you anyway.

429. In fact, the way our economy is going, soon it will be racist to do our voices.

430. Yeah.

431. People in Beijing go, hello, I'm from London.

432. There we go.

433. I'm not comfortable with that.

434. And also, I don't think the Chinese are bothered what accents we're doing.

435. All they want to know is, all they want to know is how much shit we want.

436. That's what I want to know.

437. How much shit you want?

438. Much as you've got, you got enough shit yet?

439. Made more shit!

440. No, we just used up that lot.

441. You just sent us, keep it coming.

442. We love it.

443. Bloody hell.

444. Come on, no time for sleeping. Gotta make shit for people in West.

445. Can't even make their own fucking pants.

446. Hang on, how are you going to pay for all this shit?

447. We were going to borrow the money from you.

448. It was funny, right? We make shit, we sell them shit.

449. Now we give them money to buy shit.

450. Well, you find funny when I have day off in December.

451. Look, as you have to face facts, the Chinese are slowly taking over the world.

452. They're not doing it like we try to do in a big imperialistic sweep.

453. They're doing it the smart, the clever way, slowly buying everything up.

454. And you'll notice subtle differences in your lives.

455. Little things will change.

456. Like one day you'll notice there's less prongs on your fork.

457. And they'll buy up all the pubs, and all the pub names will change.

458. You'll still call it the white hearts.

459. I'm going the white heart.

460. I refuse to call it the infinite stillness of water.

461. And you go to your greetings card shop in a special section.

462. Commiserations ... and doughter.

463. She bring much shame on family.

464. And it'll affect every aspect of our lives, you know, affect culture,

465. you know, because you surrender so much control and power to them.

466. I'll give you an example. You know, Christmas crackers.

467. I've known for years.

468. We've known for years that the actual crackers were made in China.

469. But I always thought the jokes, the puns, were written in this country.

470. But I think they're doing that in China now as

471. well, because I've pulled a cracker this Christmas.

472. And I'll just say at this point, I'm not a fan of crackers.

473. I've been campaigning to get rid of them for years.

474. I think they're a dull, joyless, pointless experience from start to finish.

475. If there was any pleasure to be had from a cracker,

476. you'd have them at other times a year, wouldn't you?

477. Any, just the slightest pleasure.

478. You know, you'd go, oh, happy birthday.

479. Do you want to pull a cracker?

480. Yeah.

481. Dave and Sue are coming around later.

482. Okay, I'll go at the off-licence.

483. Shall I get some crackers?

484. Yeah, let's get some crackers and have a bloody laugh.

485. But you don't, because they're shit, aren't they?

486. The cracker I've pulled this Christmas, the bang wouldn't have made a kitten look up.

487. The paper hat didn't look like a king. I didn't like a king.

488. No.

489. I like a grill chef in a service station.

490. On his third warning.

491. Do you want egg? Do you want egg?

492. The toy inside was a set of miniature, tiny, tiny screwdriver.

493. It was a tiny, tiny screwdriver that don't fit anything.

494. I'd have preferred nothing.

495. Then I wouldn't have had a trip to the bin.

496. But what did my head in, what ruined Christmas, was the joke.

497. This was the joke in the cracker.

498. What did the ghost sing at the Snowman's birthday party?

499. And the punch sign is, freeze a jolly good fellow.

500. I think if you've enjoyed that, you've come to the wrong show.

501. But anyway...

502. My point is, there's no need for a ghost in that joke.

503. That's a superfluous unnecessary ghost.

504. That joke works perfectly well without the ghost.

505. What do you think it's no man's birthday party?

506. Freeze a jolly good fellow.

507. Why is there a fucking ghost in there?

508. Who put a ghost in there?

509. My theory at the cracker factory in China now is those people writing puns.

510. There's a foreman walking up and down, fellow goes, I've got one.

511. What is it?

512. What do you think it's no man's birthday party?

513. Freeze a jolly good fellow.

514. The foreman goes, I don't like it.

515. Put a ghost in there.

516. And that's the power we've surrendered to them.

517. They can just start sticking ghosts in things willy-nilly, you know, dragons,

518. whatever the fact they want.

519. They can just, you know, imagine you did that with other jokes.

520. That horse walks into a pub and the ghost behind the bar.

521. Horse is thinking, I thought, I was the novelty in this joke, you know.

522. I'm a beer drinking horse.

523. I don't know.

524. The absurdity of a snowman having a birthday party.

525. I've left that alone.

526. I haven't touched that.

527. Where on earth is a snowman going to live to one?

528. Maybe in the Arctic.

529. But when it snows, Eskimos are not scurry out of their igloos and go, Hey,

530. it's snowing.

531. Let's make a man.

532. Now they go, it's fucking snowing again, isn't it?

533. Why do we live here?

534. Yeah, well then.

535. You won't look at those brochures for Tenerife, will you?

536. And all I'm saying is, all I'm saying, we've got to think about the consequences.

537. We do get all this cheap stuff, we do get this cheap stuff, but the

538. standard of comedy is going to go downhill.

539. Maybe we should pay a bit more and have a laugh.

540. That's all I'm saying.

541. That's literally all I'm saying.

542. I tell you another way of putting it, the other day I went to buy some trainers.

543. In the end I settled on a pair of new balance

544. trainers because they're made in this country.

545. And they're a bit more expensive, but to me it was worth it to pay those few

546. extra quid to be safe in the knowledge that a kid in China is out of a job.

547. If I could put one child on the doll, bloody proud of myself.

548. The big thing I'm having to go to the Chinese, I'm not.

549. I'm just waking us up to this situation we're getting into it.

550. I'm what I'm saying is we've got to take a bit more responsibility.

551. Wealth creation is what I'm talking about.

552. We've all got to come up with wealth creation ideas.

553. You know that guy Dyson, you know that guy Dyson, he's always coming up with ideas.

554. You know people say everyone's got a book in them, which I don't think is true.

555. I think most people haven't even got a piece of advice in them, right?

556. We can all think about ways to make the world around us a better place,

557. you know, come up with wealth creation ideas.

558. I've come up with two apps, big hitters, these two apps

559. are brilliant, they're going to make a load of money.

560. The first app, wherever you are in the world,

561. it tells you what the bin collection days are.

562. Who wouldn't want that?

563. You're in Rio de Janeiro, you've got two bags of

564. rubbish, don't know when to put them out, you know?

565. They're leaking, so they're going all over your dancing shoes.

566. You don't speak the lingo, so you're going to put the bins out, you know.

567. Just go on the app, half past two Tuesday afternoon, lovely.

568. Off to the carnival.

569. Everyone in the world will want that app, right?

570. The second app is even better, right?

571. If you ever look at pornography on your mobile phone,

572. it tells everyone in your contacts list, everyone...

573. Everyone gets a text, you know.

574. And people say, well, why would I want that?

575. Why wouldn't you? I bought it for you, darling.

576. Of course, eventually you would, you would.

577. You'd be in a travel lodge three o'clock in the

578. morning and go, sort it, let them know, let them know!

579. Open the hotel window, shout across a dual -carriage way.

580. I'm having a wank, all right?

581. It's an emotion, it's like crying.

582. I don't know what would be worse, friends and family

583. getting the text, or just a plumber you used once.

584. But I'm always thinking of wealth creation, you know how HMV struggles now,

585. because of how we get music, because it was

586. records, cassettes, CDs, and now it's downloads.

587. I'm already thinking about how we're going to get music in the future, man!

588. Yeah!

589. And I think in the future we're going to get music in the form of a gas.

590. Yeah!

591. How hard can it be to turn music, which is already in the air, into gas?

592. I'll let the boffin sort that one out.

593. And you'll go to HMV, you know, like those inhalers, asthmatics have, right?

594. Just fill one of those up with all your music like that.

595. And you just inhale it like that.

596. And all the music will be in your brain.

597. And you can play it whenever you want.

598. Summer breeze, make me feel fire!

599. I don't want this one, how do I change it?

600. Blink, palm, pop the jam, pump it up, while the beat is dumping.

601. And you're feeling that moving.

602. He's a little white bull every day, he can't do anything, little white bull.

603. I wouldn't be an early adopter on it, that's all I'm saying.

604. Take a while.

605. That's a great idea, please take these ideas, make your fortunes, it's my gift.

606. I really like something amazing, I was fitting around, looking for a radio station.

607. And I suddenly realised something, it's incredible, you won't believe this, right?

608. But you know, there's radio stations for every type of music, soul, jazz,

609. rock, reg, a pop music.

610. There's no radio station for scat music, yeah?

611. You know, if you fancy listening to a bit of scat music, there's no scat FM,

612. and you just put it on there, and you're just like...

613. 24 hours scat.

614. All scat, no chat, yeah!

615. Imagine how brilliant that is, especially if you've got guests, so you want to leave your home.

616. Can you turn it down a bit?

617. No, I like it.

618. Well, I'm on the subject, there's also, there's no Yodeling FM.

619. I'm fascinated by Yodeling.

620. No, I'm a... You know Yodeling, the Swiss Yodeling, you know when they go...

621. Do you like some message?

622. That's a way of communicating through the mountains.

623. And the Swiss did that for years.

624. Until, of course, they discovered shouting, and that changed their lives.

625. One day a fellow was going, Yodeling.

626. Another fellow went, step back, try this, just try this, try it, it's an idea.

627. I've had it, try it, try it.

628. Have you seen my cow?

629. It's brown!

630. So what else been going on?

631. Oh, I was talking about...

632. Oh, I've just started believing in God as well, just got into that.

633. Yeah, I've just got into it, yeah.

634. And actually, that's the reason I'm on tour.

635. So, if you've been enjoying the show up to this

636. point, after this bit, it gets a bit messy, gee.

637. No, I do, I've just got into it. I've been an atheist most of my life.

638. I was actually raised a Catholic, and what's known as a lapsed Catholic,

639. which is their term for it.

640. You know, makes it sound like every Sunday night,

641. as I'm getting into bed, I go, Oh, forgot again.

642. Well, the truth is, I'm 14, cycling to confession, and I

643. suddenly thought myself, hang on a sec, what are you doing?

644. You're about to get into a wooden box and tell dirty stories to an old Irish man...

645. who's never had sex.

646. This is mental.

647. You're going to tell a wanking story, because I'm 14.

648. I've done a bit of wanking and some shoplifting tops.

649. That's the worst things I've done.

650. You're going to tell a wanking story to an old man in a box.

651. And you couldn't say to him, Father, I had a wank.

652. He'd go mental.

653. He'd pull you out of the box, gone, don't use that language in my church,

654. a dirty little bastard using that finty language in my church.

655. Because this is the 70s, everyone's hitting you in the 70s, like that.

656. BANG!

657. They thought it was good for you, like red meat and smoking.

658. BANG! Thanks for that.

659. If you bumped into Santa in the 70s, he'd have given you a boot up the arse.

660. What are you doing up, you little shit?

661. Get the fucking bit. You little shit.

662. What the fuck are you doing up there?

663. No, I fucking should be out there.

664. I fucking banged my fucking tongue in the air.

665. 70s Santa was out of control.

666. They had to send him on a course.

667. He was just...

668. You can't do that, Santa, but he fucking should be in bed, do you?

669. No, you couldn't say that to him.

670. You couldn't say how far that you'd have to couch it carefully.

671. I'd say, Father, I let the devil encourage me to be busy in my trousers.

672. I need to know what you were talking about.

673. It's mental confession. You can do anything you want.

674. You go to confession. It's gone. It's like it never happened.

675. It's kind of like a moral etch-a-sketch.

676. You just go... BANG!

677. BANG!

678. BANG!

679. BANG!

680. BANG!

681. I'll miss it sometimes.

682. Like, I did something quite bad the other day.

683. And if I'd gone to confession, it wouldn't trouble me anymore.

684. But it still bugs me.

685. What I did was pretty bad what I did was...

686. I was meant to unload the dishwasher, but I couldn't be bothered.

687. So, I'll just put it on again.

688. Yeah.

689. Playa.

690. And also, the other reason I stopped believing was Scooby-Doo.

691. You know, I must have watched about 500 episodes of Scooby-Doo as a kid.

692. Every single episode starts with a promise of supernatural, otherworldly,

693. spiritual activity.

694. But it always ends. That's been completely debunked.

695. And there's a disgruntled former employee, you know.

696. With his hair all roughed, because they've just taken his costume off.

697. His hair's always all over the place.

698. And I think what the makers of Scooby-Doo, Hannah Bible, were trying to tell us was.

699. there is no God and join a union.

700. You know, that's my fear.

701. But I've just got back into it.

702. And the reason I got back into it was the Jimmy Savile story.

703. When that broke, you know.

704. Yeah.

705. Yeah, because I thought to myself, well, if I

706. don't believe in God, he gets off scot-free.

707. Whereas if I believe in God, he goes to hell.

708. You know, seems like it makes sense to me.

709. In fact, I think if you're an atheist, what you're

710. saying is, you're kind of fine with what Jimmy did.

711. That's cool with you.

712. Yeah.

713. In fact, if you're an atheist, as far as

714. Uncle's done, you're virtually an accomplice.

715. You might have been standing next to him

716. holding his tracksuit, as far as I can tell her.

717. I thought it was a matter of you people, really don't.

718. Yeah.

719. And Hitler, basically, if you're an atheist, you're a Nazi kiddie fiddler.

720. And I offered that to the Archbishop of Canterbury

721. as a recruitment campaign, but he didn't...

722. But I think the difference between me and most

723. religious people is, I don't take it that seriously.

724. You know, some days I'm into it, other days...

725. Some days I'm aware of a veil, other days I don't eat pork.

726. No, I just...

727. Come see, come sir.

728. But it's done one brilliant thing, actually, since I started believing in God.

729. It's done one brilliant thing.

730. It's really a positive benefit in my life, which is, I've stopped using the

731. exclamation, Jesus Christ, as often as I used to.

732. Because I used to use it far too often, you know.

733. I couldn't find my keys.

734. I'd go, oh, Jesus Christ, I can't find my keys.

735. Or I go to the supermarket, I haven't got a pound for the trolley, like that.

736. Oh, Jesus Christ!

737. Thanks God, nice one!

738. You try to starve my family?

739. Is this some kind of test?

740. Or I sit down to eat my dinner, it's all cooked already,

741. then I realise there's no pepper in the grinder.

742. Oh, Jesus Christ!

743. Now I've got to get all the little balls out there, go over the fucking floor!

744. My love is shit!

745. Or I walk past the radio, the news is on, the

746. price of stamps will be going up from Tuesday.

747. Oh, Jesus Christ!

748. That's all I need.

749. That's going to cost me 60 pence a year!

750. Or I'll be in the shower, hang on, that doesn't feel right.

751. Oh, it's fucking conditioner, isn't it?

752. Jesus Christ!

753. Look what you've done!

754. Shut your hair for a week!

755. And once it's in, it's in!

756. There's no antique conditioner to take it out, because you didn't invent it!

757. Well, I've stopped doing that, that's good, isn't it?

758. It's positive in your life, you know?

759. It's positive to move in the right direction.

760. Of course, in the religion that I've invented, there are times where you can,

761. you can use the exclamation, like if your house

762. is being enveloped by lava from a volcano.

763. Oh, Jesus Christ!

764. Or you go to the Pamplona Bull Run, where they run the bulls through the streets.

765. And you get a stitch.

766. Oh, Jesus Christ!

767. Oh, dear, not now.

768. Too much bloody tap-ass, that's what it is.

769. Because they just think they're just little plates, but you just keep eating,

770. don't you?

771. I've probably had about five dinners.

772. Well, you're on a plane and you see someone trying to light their shoes, like that.

773. Jesus Christ!

774. He's trying to light his shoes!

775. I think that's how they do it.

776. The light hearted wing of Al-Qaeda.

777. Or, or you're a centaur, right?

778. You're a centaur.

779. Come with me on this one.

780. You know, human from there to there, there to there's human.

781. Rest of you's horse, but you're facing the wrong way.

782. Jesus Christ!

783. That would be a nightmare scenario, wouldn't it?

784. Imagine just trying to eat a bit of grass.

785. How difficult that would be.

786. Oh, I've got to starve you.

787. You'd have to both of you, you'd have to lie down on your side.

788. On the forest floor, wouldn't you?

789. Both of you have to lie down like that.

790. And the horse bit would be there, and you'd lie there.

791. Just for a little snack in the day, like...

792. Imagine how vulnerable you'd feel, you know?

793. That's probably why they died out.

794. And of course, the humanie bit wouldn't like grass, would it?

795. It's disgusting.

796. How do you eat that shit?

797. Can I have a curry?

798. The horse goes, do you want to see me after a curry?

799. You've got a dilemma there, you've got the taste

800. buds of the human digestive system of a horse.

801. You've got a problem, haven't you?

802. I think that's what that routine is about.

803. It's about, you know, in a relationship when you both have very conflicting needs,

804. trying to find a solution so you can live together in harmony, that's really...

805. That's the sort of point of that bit of material.

806. But like I said, I've got into it, I've got into religion, and...

807. And also, I like having to go atheist as well, because they're so cocky out there,

808. like, yeah, we know.

809. No, you don't fucking know, you don't know.

810. And also, they believe in all that evolution

811. bollocks, which is obviously a load of bollocks.

812. Oh, got away with that one, that's fine.

813. No, I don't, I don't subscribe to the theory of evolution

814. at all, I don't think it makes sense, I think it stacks up.

815. If evolution was a continual process, then surely

816. by now, bananas would be round, wouldn't they?

817. Or straight, I don't know which way they were

818. going, they're either going that way, or like that.

819. Maybe going back round the other way, who knows, you know?

820. Frogs would have made their mind up, lake or land, time to choose, you know?

821. We'd have grown another thumb, definitely, we'd have grown another thumb, wouldn't we?

822. Because how useful is that, four fingers and a thumb,

823. it's incredible with the dexterity you can do with that.

824. Surely by now, we'd have another thumb coming out there.

825. So a single human hand would look like that.

826. Imagine the amazing things you could do with two thumbs on each.

827. I mean, obviously it'd make groping a lot more thorough, wouldn't it?

828. But...

829. You could carry six pints and tweets at the same time, couldn't you?

830. And don't tell me we're related to monkeys, sorry, I

831. won't have that, don't tell me we're related to monkeys.

832. No, sorry.

833. Because I'll tell you why, I was on a flight recently, and the hostess...

834. Hostess made a request.

835. She said, anyone on the flight's got any peanuts on their possession.

836. Please don't open them and eat them.

837. I said, someone on the flight with severe peanut allergy,

838. your cause and a great deal of harm and distress.

839. Could you imagine a monkey with a bag of peanuts agreeing to that request?

840. Like another monkey goes...

841. That monkey would do whatever the monkey equivalent of fuck-off is, wouldn't it?

842. Because they're bastards monkeys, they don't give a shit about each other.

843. If one monkey's ill, his neighbour doesn't come out and

844. see how he is, he tries to have sex with his whole family.

845. If you could explain Jimmy's saddle to a monkey, they'd see him as a role model.

846. Horrendous creatures.

847. We're not related to them.

848. And also, I've never seen an episode of Who Do You Think

849. You Are, which goes right back to the monkey ancestor.

850. So I'll risk my case.

851. I accept I'm not a scientist.

852. I know I'm not a scientist, but what is a scientist?

853. It's just somebody who thinks about stuff and chooses

854. to back up their thoughts with evidence and facts.

855. Only difference between me and a scientist.

856. I don't feel the need.

857. I'm not so insecure.

858. I need to back up what I say.

859. I just say it, damn.

860. And I've been forced into this position by my children.

861. I've got three children, three young children, and they ask

862. me questions all day long about everything under the sun.

863. And I don't know a lot of stuff.

864. I really don't.

865. I don't.

866. I read a lot, but usually when I get to the

867. interesting bit, I remember something embarrassing.

868. And they ask me questions about science and things like that.

869. You know, for a while I thought a house was being haunted by my old physics teacher.

870. He's just going around the house going,

871. oooh, ask your dad about magnets.

872. Good use of a ghost in a joke, I feel.

873. Thank you.

874. And they'll come up to me and ask me about magnets and gravity.

875. No, I can't explain them.

876. But I don't like saying I don't know beats me asking mum.

877. It wears away at my self-esteem.

878. So I just lie.

879. I make shit up, you know.

880. They'll say magnets.

881. You know when you go to school in the morning and some kids are pleased to see

882. other kids you're not that bothered about.

883. That was a bit like that.

884. And they're happy with that, you know.

885. Gravity, gravity.

886. Oh yeah.

887. You know when an apple falls out of a tree it

888. creates a force that sends the birds up in the air.

889. Because apples are heavier than birds as we all know.

890. Because birds are made of feathers. Everyone knows that.

891. Solid feather right the way through.

892. And the earth's got a core. That's right.

893. It's got a core.

894. It's trying to get all the apples back.

895. To make cider forget.

896. Oh god, that's right, yeah.

897. A verb, a verb.

898. I think that's an old cockney word for a tenor.

899. Yeah.

900. Yeah, that slag owes me a verb.

901. George, put a verb on that horse for us, will you?

902. They asked me about Velcro.

903. I've got this vague notion.

904. It's got something to do with the Apollo missions.

905. I said Velcro grows on the moon.

906. It grows on the moon, yeah.

907. Basically it's moon grass. That's what it is really.

908. That's why the astronauts walk like that.

909. I just don't know.

910. I don't even understand how yogurt works.

911. I don't understand it.

912. It's off and it's got bacteria, but it's good for you.

913. What the frickin' what?

914. Dry cleaning.

915. I've been going to dry cleaners for years.

916. I don't know what the fuck they get up to in there. I don't know.

917. I just go in there. There's a funny smell.

918. I sort of trust them.

919. I don't know what shit you guys are getting up to.

920. To be honest, I don't want to know.

921. Always my clothes come back clean.

922. I'll keep shtum, but doesn't smell right, does it?

923. Doesn't smell good.

924. Look at your eyes.

925. They're all red round the edge, aren't they?

926. The skin is peeling off.

927. I'd get out of here now if I were you.

928. Like the other day, I was putting sun cream on them.

929. They said to me, how does sun cream work?

930. I said...

931. It's invisible clothes made of cream.

932. There we go.

933. Factor 20 is a t-shirt.

934. Factor 50 is a duffel coat.

935. But the questions keep coming and they get madder and madder.

936. Dad, why can't we smell noises?

937. What?

938. If we can see our face in water, can we drink mirrors?

939. So what I do is I just lie.

940. I just lie, you know, and it makes me feel better about myself.

941. I'll save on university fees, you know what I'm saying.

942. But it's a theory of parenting that you should never lie to your kids.

943. You know, there is a theory that you should never ever lie to your children.

944. Apart from Father Christmas, the tooth theory and how hot the food is.

945. It's fair enough, isn't it?

946. They've been given you a difficult day.

947. It's a bit of payback.

948. Those fish fingers.

949. Yeah, they've been out for a while now.

950. Yeah, work away on those.

951. Yeah.

952. It's the new smacking, that's what it is.

953. It's perfectly legal, they can't touch you, I've checked.

954. But there is a theory, apart from that, you should never lie to your kids.

955. I lie to my children all the time, one night I spoke to my daughters to bed.

956. She said, Daddy, are they monsters under my bed?

957. And I said, yes!

958. All this terrible monsters under your bed.

959. Paul, you don't want to bump into those fellas.

960. And if you put your feet down on the bedroom floor at any point, they'll reach

961. out, grab your ankles and drag you under the bed.

962. And they'll take you off into like a labyrinth of turds and wasps.

963. And he's on duty till seven o'clock in the morning, seven o'clock.

964. Seven o'clock, seven.

965. So, if you wake up, quarter's seven, just

966. wait 15 minutes before you come and disturb.

967. You know me?

968. In fact, I think he's coming on duty now.

969. Stay on the bed, stay on... oh, get out here...

970. Stay on the pastor, Mr. Chiddles.

971. Stay on the bed, stay on the bed.

972. Good night.

973. And some people say that's not ideal parenting, but I think it's better than

974. the alternative, which is to tell the truth, isn't it?

975. So they say, Daddy, are they monsters under the bed?

976. They say, yeah, there's no monsters under the bed, don't be silly.

977. Because then they'll say, are they monsters outside?

978. And if you tell the truth, you have to go, well,

979. yeah, there are, but they don't like monsters, no.

980. Look, ordinary men and women.

981. Bit like your mummy and your daddy, I see.

982. They're capable of terrible things.

983. Anyway, good night.

984. If there's anyone from social services, I don't do that.

985. Anyway, so I'm in this bike shop, and...

986. I don't know how else to bring it up, really.

987. I have my bike stolen, and as anyone who's had their bike stolen will know,

988. there's no chance of you getting the bike back or anyone getting punished for it.

989. We've got a very laid back attitude towards bike theft in this country, haven't we?

990. We treat it a bit like they do cannabis in Amsterdam.

991. I'm sure there's guidebooks to Britain which go, hey,

992. come to Britain, they love it if you steal their bikes.

993. Don't crazy Brits love nothing better than

994. you rad off with their brain, you bomb work.

995. Come to the British bag stealing festival.

996. And rad off in their brand new bags.

997. Because I regularly see fellas riding on, they've

998. got one bike and they're holding another bike.

999. Which they've obviously just nicked.

1000. But people just go, oh look, he's nicked a bike.

1001. Like it's an old pastime.

1002. Unless he has such a vivid relationship with

1003. his imaginary friend he bought it a bike.

1004. I don't know.

1005. I'm in the bike shop, right?

1006. And I was attracted towards this ladies bike, you know.

1007. I thought I quite liked it, you know, like that.

1008. Because I like the step through, you know, you do that, I quite like that.

1009. But the guy in the bike shop was going, yeah, but it's a ladies bike.

1010. You should get this hybrid multi-terrain thing.

1011. And we're going, yeah, yeah. But this is nice, isn't it?

1012. You put that and the saddle's lots of room on the saddle, isn't it?

1013. And you can put all your stuff in that basket thing there.

1014. It's a brilliant bike.

1015. And you're going, yes, but it's a ladies bike.

1016. They really pissed me off, I didn't buy a bike in the end.

1017. And I can understand if I went to miles and Spencer's

1018. for a vest, came out in a basket, you know, have a word.

1019. So I've been using the rental bikes, you know, the rental bikes, they've got

1020. all over London, they're brilliant, those rental bikes, you know.

1021. The only problem is I refuse to call them Boris bikes, I refuse to call it.

1022. So I go to someone's house and I say, how do you get it?

1023. I said, I came on one of the rental bikes, I said, no, I don't call them that.

1024. And it's just tense because I don't see why he gets the

1025. credit for something he had nothing to do with, you know.

1026. It's just happened to happen on his watch, you know.

1027. He doesn't take the credit for other things, is he?

1028. They're not called the Boris riots, are they?

1029. He didn't know there was anybody in London in August.

1030. Why aren't they all in Tuscany?

1031. I'll call them Boris bikes when I can park one on his fat ass, like that.

1032. And I'm not a fan of Boris, I'll tell you why, because he's one of those people

1033. who's brilliant on television, but you don't really know what he's capable of.

1034. You know, I find him quite a sinister, scary man, because he doesn't really say

1035. what he believes in, he's just, I think he's capable of anything.

1036. And David Cameron is very similar, he's very good

1037. on television, you don't know what he's capable of.

1038. And the reason I mention it is the alternative is so

1039. piss poor, it's going to be one of those two, isn't it?

1040. Because Ed Miliband, there's no way he could have

1041. Ed Miliband as Prime Minister, it would be cruel.

1042. It would be cruel.

1043. To put him on his own in a room with Vladimir Putin would be cruelty.

1044. Vladimir Putin would just stick his fingers

1045. up his nostrils and start dragging him around.

1046. booting him up the arse.

1047. Ed Miliband would get bullied in the night garden.

1048. Eagle Pig will just go.

1049. And he's such a strange looking man, isn't he?

1050. To me, he looks like a startled Hawaiian lesbian, isn't he?

1051. You know, when you come across one in a clearing, they just...

1052. And I think he said it, somebody said it in a speech recently,

1053. and I thought it was a very good thing about politics.

1054. And what they said was, they said, we should all think about what sort of

1055. world we want to live in, what sort of world you want to live in.

1056. I think it's a very good question to ask people

1057. to help and choose who to vote for, you know.

1058. And I started to think more and more about this, what sort of world do I want to live

1059. in, help me choose which political parties I get behind.

1060. And I realise, for example, I want to live in a world, I want to live in a world

1061. where George Foreman actually makes those grills.

1062. He's in a shed with loads of oxyacetling, burning stuff, soldering kit,

1063. full of pozzies head round the door and goes, George, we need more of them grills.

1064. We got an order here for 2,000 grills.

1065. You better hurry up, George.

1066. George goes, what do you think I'm doing, man?

1067. I'm making fucking grills.

1068. I'm having problems with the detachable drip tray for easy cleaning.

1069. But the fuck I won't clip on, right?

1070. You've finished this goddamn grill, I'm going to start another one.

1071. Sometimes I wish I never had the idea for making grills.

1072. Because I make them so damn good.

1073. Yeah, that's the world.

1074. I want to live in a world where if you put your name summits, because you made it,

1075. David Beckham has to make the pants that he sells in his name.

1076. Most of you were wearing a pair of pants made by David Beckham.

1077. Actually, they'd probably just have one hole for

1078. the leg and you'd be walking around like that.

1079. Yeah, yeah, I've got these new Beckham pants, what do you reckon they're pretty?

1080. I look pretty cool in them, I think, you know.

1081. Sort of world I want to live in.

1082. I want to live in a world, this is really interesting person to me.

1083. I want to live in a world where a doctor doesn't need to get a long fiber optic cable,

1084. with another cable attached to it, which they don't tell you about,

1085. two cables.

1086. You need to get two cables and force them down your tiny little dry pea hole

1087. into your bladder just to tell you everything's all right.

1088. It doesn't need to get two cables and force them down, deep down inside you.

1089. You know, you think about all the medical advancements have been made in great leaps

1090. in medical science, and we're still sticking cables down a man's penis, you know.

1091. Incredible leaps have been made.

1092. But on that area now, let's find just stick cables down there.

1093. You know, they wouldn't have done that on the deck of the victory.

1094. They sawing people's legs off, cutting them over and they go,

1095. should we stick the cable down there?

1096. No, for Christ's sake, that's... that's horrendous.

1097. I want to discover something less medieval, you know.

1098. They probably, everyone goes, should we do

1099. something about this cable down the cock thing?

1100. No, it's just man, they're just, he's going to do

1101. something horrible with his cock anyway, you know, sort of.

1102. You know, force two cables down what I would never describe as a whole.

1103. I would never call that a whole.

1104. If you saw that anywhere else, you wouldn't go as a whole there, you wouldn't.

1105. If you saw it on a bit of skirting board, you wouldn't go, oh brilliant, we can.

1106. we can run the cables through there, that's lovely, that is.

1107. That's handy, we'll save on drilling, we'll

1108. just get them through there and knock off early.

1109. That's not a whole thing, it is.

1110. Oh, you hold it straight, I'll get it in as a bloody hole, that is.

1111. It's not a hole, it's a very deep crack.

1112. And in the process, ruin your penis, that my penis is ruined, they ruined it,

1113. it's not...

1114. It's not immediately obvious, over time you realise, you know.

1115. If I go for a piss now, it takes about half a second.

1116. It's like emptying a bucket of water, just...

1117. Sorry about that, do apologise.

1118. Normally I use the cube because Bertrand's busy.

1119. But look what they did to it, look what they did to it, look.

1120. You can keep tennis balls up there, you know, it's just them.

1121. It's like a floppy Pringles tube.

1122. The other thing, all right, another thing that's bugged to

1123. me, I want to live in a world where cats respect fencing.

1124. You know, if dogs were jumping round from garden to garden,

1125. you could have thought your bloody dog out, what's going on?

1126. Jumping, ran around the garden, scared a shit out of everyone.

1127. You could chain it up, like, oh, you can't chain a cat up.

1128. Yes, you can!

1129. You could chain anything up.

1130. You'd get it and you put a chain on it.

1131. If you could put soap on a rope, you could put a chain on a cat or a lamp.

1132. Anyway, you don't need to, I've invented something, a solution, brilliant solution.

1133. It's a box, it's a long narrow box, you put the cat in the box.

1134. At the end of the box is a hole for the cat's head.

1135. At the bottom of the box is four holes for the cat's legs.

1136. And it can enjoy all of your garden.

1137. It can enjoy every corner of your garden.

1138. And you can paint the box the same colour as the cat, so it's not embarrassed.

1139. But as soon as it wants to leave your garden, climb out, it's impeded by the box.

1140. And there you've got a solution.

1141. Because I am sick and tired of looking out of my kitchen window, and there's a cat

1142. staring at me like I'm something dripping off a toilet brush.

1143. I also contempt on its face.

1144. Looks at me like I built my home on an ancient cat burial ground.

1145. He has desecrated the resting place of the elders.

1146. I don't let them settle.

1147. As soon as I see one, literally whatever I'm doing.

1148. Whatever I do, as soon as I see one, coffee cut down like that, out the door.

1149. But that can be quite awkward because I could be having

1150. a civilised conversation with a neighbour I barely know.

1151. Just move to the area.

1152. Yes, no, we'd love to come around for the barbecue.

1153. That's very... Yeah, on Tuesday, yes.

1154. Excuse me a minute.

1155. Because I don't like that cat's cats do not like that.

1156. To be honest, most people don't. There's very few.

1157. There's very few people.

1158. Did you go, be over in a sec.

1159. In fact, I use it in traffic instead of swearing.

1160. Someone cuts me up.

1161. I don't swear.

1162. If someone cuts me up, I just go...

1163. Because they're never sure whether they saw that or not.

1164. Did I see that?

1165. You really get in their mind, you know.

1166. And after you've done it, it returns with sort of like a cheery smile.

1167. Get right in there.

1168. Another thing, right? I want to live in a world.

1169. I want to live in a world where...

1170. If you're a pop star, pop singer, and you're not a

1171. great singer, you haven't got a brilliant singing voice.

1172. You don't compensate for it by slowly sticking your ass in my face.

1173. Yeah, never mind about singing.

1174. This is much better than any old sing song, isn't it? Look at that.

1175. That's what we really came for, didn't we?

1176. That's no singing, anyone can sing

1177. but we cut like this.

1178. I'm sure there's a mathematical equation you can do between how bad a singer you

1179. are and how far you need to stick your ass out.

1180. Don't listen to this. Look at this.

1181. If you see the pussy cat doll's life, the only thing you don't see is the cat.

1182. Here we go, have a look at that.

1183. That's lovely now.

1184. Oh, that's what you want to look at.

1185. That's nice in it. That's nice in it.

1186. Sorry, got a bit mad then.

1187. All I'm saying is, if you can't sing, don't sing.

1188. Don't sing and try and make up for it with

1189. genitals, because to me that's not a trailer.

1190. As you did that with other jobs, the first time you realised the plumber

1191. couldn't fix your boiler was when his penis slapped onto the back of your hand.

1192. And he's standing next to you with one button undone and his overalls going...

1193. Sorry, not familiar with that boiler.

1194. Let's check this back in.

1195. Come on, get the pilot light started.

1196. So I thought this might compensate for your family's lack of hot water.

1197. Cab driver turns round and goes, we're lost.

1198. Another thing right, also, I want to live in a world

1199. where you're not allowed to advertise to children.

1200. No advertising to kids.

1201. It's not on.

1202. People come into my home uninvited through the medium of

1203. television and they wave shiny shit in my kids' faces, right?

1204. And it's not fair.

1205. We can defend ourselves against advertising.

1206. We can make judgements, choices and decisions.

1207. Children can't do that.

1208. They can't do that because they're fucking idiots.

1209. They're morals, they're thick as pig shit.

1210. You put a picture of Shrek on a bag of gravel, they want it.

1211. Big hammock of snot hanging out of their chin.

1212. If all advertising was door to door, if you could

1213. only advertise door to door, you wouldn't tolerate it.

1214. Someone knocked on your door, you haven't your door, mate.

1215. Can I speak to your seven-year-old daughter, please?

1216. Hang her out.

1217. And he bends down, ignores you and goes, look, it's

1218. a my pretty polypocket mini vanity release set.

1219. And that spins around, that opens up, then the message isn't there.

1220. And he'll let carrots and play with your friends, aren't it?

1221. After a while, you go, fuck off.

1222. Sorry, Daddy said it again, isn't he?

1223. Still, you're here at school soon enough.

1224. Or they will.

1225. Because you never think you're the source, too.

1226. Yeah, it'd be great if all advertising was done door to door.

1227. I'd love that, especially when celebrities did adverts.

1228. Because that'd be great, wouldn't it be walking across your hallway, the letterbox

1229. would flip open, and you'd hear a voice going, Hello, it's Sir Chris Hoy here.

1230. Before I go cycling, I like a ball of bram fleeks.

1231. Oh, Christ.

1232. Hello.

1233. Sir Chris Hoy here.

1234. Before I go cycling, I like a ball of bram fleeks.

1235. Oh, kill me now.

1236. And he'd bump into other celebrities on the street.

1237. Oh, hello, Kira.

1238. Hello, Chris.

1239. Hi, it's Kira Knightley here from the films.

1240. Yes, I didn't think I needed the money either.

1241. Anyway, I'm wearing a really tight catsuit.

1242. And when I walk away, I'd like you to look at my arse and think about Coco Chanel.

1243. Yeah, it's really subtle.

1244. It's my arse and perfume.

1245. Oh, who's this?

1246. Hello.

1247. Hello, Ray.

1248. Hello, Kira.

1249. It's Ray Winstone here.

1250. Put a bet on you, Slag!

1251. There's loads of markets in play now.

1252. Oh, who's that coming along the street?

1253. Oh, it's David Beckham.

1254. Hello, Ray.

1255. Man of a thousand voices.

1256. Hello, David Beckham here.

1257. Everything under the sun.

1258. All of it, hats, flannels, spanners, trousers, leather bikes.

1259. Just buy shit, alright?

1260. Thank you.

1261. So, as you can see, it's quite difficult for me to

1262. find a political party to suit all my needs, you know?

1263. Because sometimes I can be left to being.

1264. Other times I'm quite right when.

1265. You know, like people talk about all the stuff we get from America.

1266. I was thinking, why don't we get to the decent

1267. stuff from America, like guns or the death penalty?

1268. Not for murder, but definitely bike theft, sort that out.

1269. You know, there's already debate in society about

1270. whether they should chemically castrate pedophiles.

1271. I've gone way over the line on this one.

1272. I'm into liquidiser them, you know?

1273. You know, they're empty plinths on Trafalgar Square.

1274. Put a massive liquidiser on there, like 40 foot high, huge liquidiser.

1275. What a brilliant way to start the weekend.

1276. It's five o'clock, it's Friday, let's liquidiser Pido.

1277. It may twist the other way, I'm just saying.

1278. There goes man, it's big party atmosphere, it's Friday.

1279. And people are playing bands, they're playing music.

1280. People are selling food, there's protesters there, no, it's in all this.

1281. And it'd be like the Christmas lights, whoever's

1282. number one that week gets to press the button.

1283. So this week liquidiser the Pido's, it's Maroon Five!

1284. I love those guys.

1285. And at the start, there's just a man standing there, his glasses on,

1286. and obviously his spatters, trousers, like that.

1287. And within a second, he's just like a green soup, like that.

1288. He goes wayyy!

1289. And he'd be like the London Eye, you know, loads of cities have got them now.

1290. You know, it'd be all over the country, every Friday everyone's going.

1291. And of course, eventually we'd run out, we'd run out.

1292. Wouldn't we, which would be a difficult moment, everyone would pile into Trafalgar

1293. Square going... Hey, come on, we're going to let them go.

1294. We haven't got any, we've run out.

1295. Oh, you kidding, you're joking.

1296. I was looking forward to that.

1297. I've got a friend over from Holland who really wanted to see it.

1298. Now we've run out and got any.

1299. Oh, God, Jesus.

1300. He looks like one, he does.

1301. Look at him, look at his glasses, get him in there, get him in, get him in!

1302. Or we could have to import them from China.

1303. How many people you want?

1304. Many of you got mate, we can't get enough, we love them, just send them over.

1305. And they'll come over in those container ships, you know?

1306. And they'll open the container at Southampton,

1307. they'll come out blinking like Pitponies, like this.

1308. Where's the kids?

1309. Where's the kids?

1310. Where's the kids?

1311. Straight into the liquid, I was like...

1312. Hey, back on.

1313. And you may call me a dreamer.

1314. But I'm not the only one.

1315. Thank you very much, you've been a fantastic crowd, great pleasure.

1316. Thank you.

1317. I just thought we needed a little palate cleanser after that last bit.

1318. I thought there's a few people out there, I don't

1319. think they managed to visualise it properly, so...

1320. Lovely feeling that.

1321. At last I got it on.

1322. I noticed a few people take pictures, can't make requests, please don't take pictures.

1323. Firstly, why?

1324. I could understand if you were walking through

1325. the woods and you saw me, through the trees.

1326. But people take pictures, they end up out there on Twitter.

1327. I'd like it to be our little secret, our little secret.

1328. I don't want to spoil the surprise for other people, you know?

1329. Because this is one of those jokes, you know, I don't want to come out one

1330. night and everyone goes, oh, is that a bit of a word about that?

1331. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1332. This is one of those jokes.

1333. If it doesn't work, it's quite difficult to move on from.

1334. Anyway, never mind about that.

1335. So, what's been going on there?

1336. And as you can see, the logistical problems are just, you know, the eating.

1337. You know, just you lie down, not both of you.

1338. And if the horse doesn't like what you're eating, you know, if you've arranged for a

1339. burger to be laid down there, it can rebel, kind of go, oh, don't eat that.

1340. All right, I admit, it's a knob gag.

1341. I started here at work backwards, but I want to be on stage, massive knob

1342. waving it around, how do I do that?

1343. In fact, it doesn't look like a knob, does it?

1344. It looks like I've been molested by an old lady, isn't it?

1345. Sure, I love all your shows.

1346. You know, those old ladies who let their hair down at night?

1347. I'm like a young girl again.

1348. You know, when I started in this business,

1349. I had many hopes and dreams and aspirations.

1350. I didn't see this coming at all.

1351. But, you know, it's a night mess, you know, trying to get up, fighting off walls.

1352. Get off me, like that.

1353. Anyway, here I'll road up.

1354. Oh, by the way, if anyone's been affected by any

1355. issues raised in this, there's a number you can phone.

1356. It's been, like, quite a good channel for a documentary, wouldn't it?

1357. The boy who was a reverse centaur.

1358. But before I go, I'd just like to thank my wife, because I don't know what it was

1359. that I said that made her buy me this for Christmas, but...

1360. I don't know what it was.