Scary Movie 4 (2006)

1. Help! Help!

2. - Am I dead? - You're not dead.

3. - You've been taken against your will. - Kobe?

4. Who is that?

5. Dr Phil? What the hell's going on?

6. I don't know. I was doing a show on teens with abandonment issues,

7. and suddenly I woke up here.

8. Man, those kids are gonna be pissed.

9. Hello, gentlemen. You don't know me but I know you.

10. You both play games with other people for a living.

11. But today, you play a game for your lives.

12. Right now you are both breathing in a deadly nerve gas.

13. You have 120 seconds to reach the antidote

14. or you die.

15. Oh, God! We've gotta get out of here!

16. Let the game begin.

17. There.

18. Hit the metal arm with something.

19. There.

20. Damn it!

21. - Sorry. - Shaquille,

22. I'm not angry at you, but we are one minute away from death.

23. Just shut out the "no" voice. Own your success.

24. Just make the damn basket!

25. - What the hell was that for? - You hurt my feelings.

26. Your feelings? To hell with your feelings. Everybody with their feelings.

27. "I'm obese."My kid's a brat." "Help me, help me."

28. Just shut up! Why can't I fix anyone? I'm so dumb and worthless.

29. - Mama was right. Mama was right. - Hey, hey.

30. Pull yourself together. You're a brilliant doctor.

31. - Not exactly. - What?

32. I just tell people to "get real". I'm not even a psychologist.

33. I'm an electrician.

34. I failed you, Shaq. I failed you.

35. - Boo ya! - Yes!

36. Thirty seconds left.

37. - This'll never work. - Of course,

38. he wants us to cut through our feet.

39. You go first.

40. Bullshit.

41. Yeah. You're probably not man enough.

42. I guess your mama was right.

43. Never! Who's the coward now, Mama?

44. Candy from a baby.

45. - Oh, my God! - I did it! We're saved.

46. - What's wrong? - Wrong foot.

47. Motherf...

48. No one believed, in the early years of the 21st century,

49. that our world was being watched, the way a man with a microscope

50. might scrutinise the creatures in a drop of water.

51. Yet across the gulf of space,

52. a terrible evil prepared to unleash itself

53. upon an unsuspecting human race.

54. You're up early. Come back to bed.

55. Come on.

56. Please.

57. Hello? Hello?

58. Tom!

59. I know you missed me. Oh, I missed you too. God, you look great.

60. I wanted to come by to thank you for setting up that job interview for me.

61. This... isn't a good time.

62. I need something to keep me busy now that Cody's out of the house.

63. He just turned 11. I enrolled him in military school last year.

64. It's supposed to be a great programme.

65. Boy, kids, you know, they just grow up so fast.

66. So I heard that you were dating again. Knowing you, I bet she's brainy.

67. - "Quixotic". - Ninety points!

68. Whoo!

69. You know, your work with the elderly really inspired me, Tom.

70. I mean, they have so much to teach us and we have so much to teach them.

71. You know, ultimately they really are just like us. Only older.

72. Anyway, I'm hoping that a new career

73. will help keep my mind off of bad memories.

74. I'm sure you have memories too. He's the kind of person you never forget.

75. Sometimes I wake up in the night wondering where he is.

76. And then I remember.

77. I know you miss him too, but it's really been hardest on me.

78. I'm rattling on, but if you don't vent your emotions

79. they just well up inside and burst out.

80. The harder you try, the harder it all gets.

81. - Until you can't shake it off anymore. - Ah! Whoa!

82. It's like you're carrying around this enormous burden.

83. Sometimes your problems get so big you can't wrap your head around them.

84. - And then what do you say to yourself? - Jesus!

85. Yes, you can turn to religion, or family and friends,

86. but in the end, you're in agony.

87. - Yah! - Maybe that's why I want to be a nurse.

88. I'm just so in tune with everyone's emotions.

89. I've always had a knack for being...

90. Oh, my...

91. Ryan, go home. You've worked 16 straight hours.

92. Come on, I need the overtime.

93. Don't worry, OK. I'm wide...

94. Ryan, what are you doing?

95. That was gold bullion.

96. Oh! Not the monkeys!

97. Damn it, Tom, what the hell happened back there?

98. Come on, Ed, that coulda happened to anyone.

99. Oh, yeah? You know what your problem is?

100. As soon as the going gets tough, you give up.

101. - You're right. I quit. - Ah, you don't get it, do you?

102. You could be the best, if only you'd see things through.

103. - I don't know. - Give me a break.

104. What can I tell you, Ed? I guess I'm no good.

105. Maybe I don't have what it takes.

106. What are you talking about? You secured that tricky H-500 unit.

107. Oh, come on, that was easy.

108. Tom Ryan. Haven't seen you in a while.

109. Well, I spend every waking minute of my life operating a crane.

110. God, I hate my job.

111. Yo, Tom! Where you been?

112. - Mahalik. - C.J., this is my boy Tom Ryan.

113. We used to work together down at the docks.

114. - Tom, how's the family? - You remember Marilyn?

115. - Your wife. How could I forget? - She dumped me.

116. Yeah, I know. I slept with her a few times.

117. - What? - Me too.

118. You guys talking about Marilyn? Great lay.

119. My pops introduced me to her.

120. Since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose.

121. - Half the time, I feel like a zombie. - Don't joke about zombies.

122. - That shit is real. - Yo, you know LaShanda on 120th Street?

123. Yeah.

124. She heard a zombie going through her trash.

125. - Next morning, she turned up missing. - Uh...

126. What? OK, back up. How in the hell do you turn up missing?

127. Nobody knows where you are when they realise you ain't there.

128. - Guys, I'm trying to... - So you're telling me

129. you can appear and disappear at the same time?

130. No, you can't do both at the same time.

131. - The bitch ain't David Copperfield. - Guys...

132. No, but you can be gone from one place and show up somewhere else.

133. When you turn up, you're not missing. When you're missing, you never turn up.

134. Unless you a zombie.

135. Damn! That's some plausible shit! You should blog about that.

136. - I'm gonna put that on MySpace. - You do it then.

137. Tom, know what you need to do? You need to get away from all this.

138. - You need to take a break. - Oh, I don't know.

139. No, he's right, man. You should come fishing with us one weekend.

140. Me and Mahalik found this great spot last summer.

141. Yeah. Great spot.

142. Hey.

143. You cold?

144. - A little bit. - Huh.

145. - Hey. - Hmm?

146. Look, man, I'm not on the down low or nothing, all right?

147. Oh, that's cool, man. Me neither.

148. Hey, what you doing?

149. Relax. I'm just trying to grab some nuts.

150. - C.J.? - Hmm?

151. - What are you doing? - I just want to eat some penis.

152. - Huh? - See? Peanuts.

153. Ooh, baby.

154. - Yeah. We caught a lot of fish. - Yeah.

155. Black cod.

156. - Damn. - Tom, I don't want you thinking...

157. I hope this won't affect your opin...

158. Why do that when it's the first time we've met?

159. - Late again, Tom. - Hey, Marilyn.

160. - I thought you were moving. - It's all I can afford right now.

161. You took everything except my name.

162. No, the judge granted me that yesterday.

163. You're now officially Horace P. McTitties.

164. I'm sure your new husband is pleased.

165. He's a good man. A provider, unlike you.

166. - You never cared about our children. - That's not true, I'm a great dad.

167. Kids.

168. Dad?

169. - Hi, Dad. - Hey, Rachel.

170. How's it going there, uh, princess?

171. It's locked.

172. - Hey! Let me help you. - I should do that.

173. - No problem. - I don't mind.

174. - Nor do I. - Fine.

175. I'll see you on Tuesday.

176. Hey, Marilyn.

177. It's a good look for you, being pregnant.

178. I'm not pregnant.

179. I didn't mean... I'm sorry.

180. If you wanna make things right, start with our kids.

181. You're right. Those kids are all I have in this world.

182. Well, the kids and my car.

183. Mr Koji. Looks like we need someone new for the Norris account.

184. Again? Every day we don't have someone looking after this woman, I lose money.

185. - What happened to last girl? - Yoko. Take a look.

186. Holy shit! Someone put a towel under her or something. Christ.

187. It's the Norris house, Mr Koji. They say it's cursed.

188. There's no such thing as a curse.

189. Don't be ridiculous. Those just old wives' tales.

190. I need someone there today or I'm in big trouble.

191. Hello. I'm Cindy Campbell, I'm looking for a job in home healthcare.

192. I was recommended by a family friend, but unfortunately... My God!

193. Don't mind her. She slip and fall. You my new best employee.

194. - Ready to start today? - It's so fast. I don't know.

195. Trust me, you're gonna love this job.

196. I show you. We can be there in ten minutes.

197. Come. Come.

198. Mr Koji?

199. Hello?

200. Oh, my God!

201. OK. Let's get you up and...

202. - Oh! - OK, come on.

203. Here we go. Oh, I'm sorry.

204. There you are. I see you've met Mrs Norris. She catatonic.

205. Yes, I was just trying to get her back up on the bed.

206. I was afraid she'd be hurt.

207. I just saw her lying here on the floor.

208. Of course. I help. You grab her legs, I grab her arms.

209. Mrs Norris, I'm here to take care of you.

210. Yes, I'm very happy to meet you too.

211. See, this job perfect for you. Let me show you rest of house.

212. Right this way.

213. So, what do you think?

214. I don't know. There's something strange about his house.

215. A presence.

216. A presence? Don't be silly. Nothing wrong with this house.

217. It's funny. I always dreamt I'd live in a house like this with my husband.

218. But I guess that's all just in the...

219. - ... past. - Who wants to see upstairs?

220. It's a nice neighbourhood, close to schools and shopping.

221. Hardwood floors. Passed almost every inspection.

222. Big backyard. Goes back 100 feet.

223. There's a garden on the other side...

224. And in here is the bathroom. Very big, very...

225. nice.

226. It is nice. It seems like it'd be a great place to work.

227. I just can't shake this feeling of evil.

228. Evil? That's crazy talk.

229. Do you know about the people who lived here?

230. People? No, nothing about people. I don't remember anything.

231. Did something strange happen in this house?

232. Strange? Don't be silly. This house perfectly normal.

233. I'm sure you're right. And yet, it's as if someone's watching us.

234. - Mr Koji? - That was me.

235. Just excited about hiring you.

236. Very, very enthusiastic.

237. We offer medical and dental, and two weeks' paid vacation.

238. I am hoping you can start today.

239. Maybe get in a whole week. You perfect for this job.

240. It a wonderful opportunity for you.

241. Is there something you're not telling me about this...?

242. I was... dirty.

243. So...

244. the job?

245. I'll take it.

246. Get your glove, I'm in the backyard.

247. Robbie, come on. Let's go.

248. That's not how you're gonna get through to him.

249. Look, Rach, this is guy stuff. You gotta trust me.

250. All right, Robbie, you ready for the Tom Ryan express?

251. Yeah. Maybe one day I can grow up to be just like you.

252. All right, I know I let you kids down,

253. but you have no idea how hard it is to be a father.

254. Well, when you start, let me know.

255. - Are you OK? - My eyes. My eyes.

256. Oh, much...

257. better.

258. - I'm so sorry. - Oh, that's OK.

259. I've taken balls to the face before.

260. Hi, I'm Cindy Campbell, your new neighbour.

261. Tom. Tom Ryan. Do you live here all by yourself?

262. Well, I'm taking care of Mrs Norris,

263. but, yes, for the first time in my life, I'm on my own.

264. I know that feeling. It wasn't always that way.

265. No.

266. You thought you'd found your soul mate.

267. Yes.

268. And then one day, you come home

269. and find your so-called soul mate in bed with a complete stranger.

270. Well, not a complete stranger. Sammy Sosa.

271. Sound familiar?

272. No. Not at all.

273. But I do know what it's like to be in that much pain,

274. and the worst part is you have to suffer...

275. - Alone? - It looks like we have a lot in...

276. Common.

277. - We already finish each other's... - Dinner.

278. sentences.

279. Well, maybe all we really need is a friend.

280. I'd like that. Well, I'd better get back to Mrs Norris.

281. It's time to put her catheter in

282. and then I've got to scrub in between her fat folds.

283. I've got to lance her boils. I've got to open her up and...

284. colostomy bag and mop up the drool.

285. That's wonderful.

286. - I'll see you around. - Definitely.

287. OK.

288. OK, Mrs Norris, time to dig out that doody bubble.

289. Ow! Ooh!

290. Mrs Norris?

291. Have you noticed anything strange about this house?

292. Yes. Yes.

293. - No? - Yes!

294. You're probably right. I guess I'm just being silly.

295. Just relax.

296. Here we go. OK.

297. Oh, you poor thing, you don't have to be scared.

298. I'm here to take care of you.

299. You know, I think you and I are going to be wonderful friends.

300. I do. That's right.

301. Just relax. Let's get in those ears.

302. OK. All right.

303. That's right.

304. That feels good.

305. OK.

306. You love this, don't you?

307. It's nice and warm. Feels good, doesn't it?

308. Oh, my God!

309. I'm so sorry.

310. Robbie.

311. Come on.

312. Let's toss the old pigskin.

313. I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there. Are you all right?

314. - It's OK, my throat cushioned the blow. - Thank God.

315. I lost my temper. My son's...

316. - What's wrong? You look scared. - Nothing, it's just...

317. There's something going on in this house.

318. - Last night I saw a face. - Did it have a nose?

319. - Yes. - That does sound like a face.

320. And then there was this weird hand in the shower,

321. and this horrible thing on the stairs.

322. I can't go through this all again.

323. Oh, I get it. There's some other guy.

324. You still love him, don't you? I wish you both the best.

325. Wait.

326. You don't understand. It's painful to talk about,

327. but you deserve to know.

328. I was married once.

329. - Get out the way, bitch. - Don't call me no bitch.

330. - You ain't shit. - Shut your ass up, Snow Ho.

331. Well, actually married twice.

332. My husband and I were living our dream.

333. Ladies and gentlemen, your challenger, Cindy Campbell.

334. Stay loose. Remember your training, keep your focus.

335. Think, "Where's the next punch coming...?"

336. After 20 fights, I was undefeated.

337. Only one fighter stood between me and the belt.

338. We got this chick. She's nothing.

339. Tiffany Stone.

340. Cindy, listen to me. I know you're scared, but I believe in you.

341. - You can win this. - And if I do win, George,

342. - you'll tell me what my nickname means? - Yes. I promise.

343. OK, now, just stick with the jab, lead with your right.

344. Watch your footwork.

345. Let's go.

346. Whoa, you do that one more time, I'm taking a point off. You hear me?

347. I've got it, I've got it! Dude, check it out.

348. I can't take it anymore.

349. And that's when I lost my cool and made the biggest mistake of my life.

350. Cindy, no!

351. Look, a nickel.

352. No!

353. George! No!

354. If I hadn't have thrown that punch, none of it would have happened.

355. - I blame myself for it all. - As well you should.

356. But, Cindy, the past is the past.

357. Maybe you oughta think about your future.

358. If I'm ever going to love again, it has to be somebody who'll be there for me.

359. I don't have a great track record in that department. Ask my son.

360. I have. What's a cock-monger?

361. That's not important. What matters is I've let a lot of people down.

362. - I should go. - Wait.

363. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy.

364. But something about you makes me wanna try.

365. - What's happening? - I don't know.

366. Why is the sky so dark?

367. Why's the wind moving towards the storm?

368. Why don't any of us have dryers?

369. I've never seen clouds like that before.

370. - You OK? - Yeah.

371. Can you believe that thunder? That storm is so fierce.

372. - I've never seen anything like it. - Me either.

373. Imagine being out there.

374. That last one sounded really close.

375. Don't worry, lightning never strikes the same place twice.

376. - Where's Rachel? - I thought she was with you.

377. There you are.

378. OK. That's it. We're fine.

379. That last bolt of lightning smelled like a...

380. Giant turd.

381. Yes, the lightning.

382. I'll go look for Robbie.

383. Turn it in again, see if it'll start.

384. What's going on? The car's just not working.

385. Start.

386. My bowels have stopped moving.

387. - Why? - How's it going, Marvin?

388. Car was just working, now it's dead.

389. - Try changing the solenoid. - Good idea.

390. Ah! Death to America!

391. Aw, shit.

392. Kill him!

393. Run!

394. Beautiful outfit.

395. Thanks.

396. Where's your ride, G?

397. Hello.

398. Harroh?

399. Hibachi Benihana teriyaki?

400. Nagasaki Okinawa Hokkaido Yokohama.

401. Karate judo sumo samurai?

402. Nissan, Honda, Mitsubishi, Subaru.

403. Hara-kiri tsunami. Kamikaze banzai.

404. Yamaha Nikon. Casio Aiwa.

405. Minolta Hitachi Seiko Toshiba.

406. Buddha! Shiitake kimono!

407. Tempura sushi sashimi...

408. Fujitsu!

409. I can't read that.

410. That's better.

411. Come on, honey. Let's go!

412. Robbie, Dad's home.

413. What is it? What's going on?

414. Talk to me. What's happening?

415. - There's no time to explain. - Alien attack!

416. Well, actually, that about sums it up.

417. Fill this up with food. We're leaving in 60 seconds.

418. My ass.

419. Penis.

420. We gotta go.

421. - Cindy. - Tom.

422. - Where you going? - Someone's out there.

423. Someone who knows a way to stop this. You wouldn't understand.

424. - I understand. - Come with me.

425. I'd like to, but my kids...

426. I guess this is goodbye.

427. When this is all over, promise me you'll find me.

428. That you'll never forget me.

429. You won't give up until I'm back in your arms.

430. Alive?

431. - Yes. - I promise.

432. Goodbye, Cindy.

433. Hey, wait.

434. A solenoid. For luck.

435. - Marvin, did you put a solenoid in? - Yeah, I got one from that crackhead.

436. - Get in. - Why should we?

437. Because you're my responsibility now, and like it or not, I'm all you've got.

438. Hey. Hey.

439. Hey, what are you doing?

440. - Get in the car, Marvin. - Tom, stop joking around.

441. Get in the car, Marvin, or you're gonna die.

442. OK, fine.

443. No, wait for me to...

444. - Still locked. - Why are you reaching for the...?

445. - What do you mean? - Right, on three.

446. - You counting now? - One, two, three, open the door.

447. - OK, on three. - One, two...

448. Three.

449. - Don't do that. You're annoying. - Still locked.

450. - I'm going on three. One, two... - Don't count when I count.

451. - I have a problem. - What?

452. Turn your mouth sideways. You look at me, I lose count.

453. - You crazy? One, two... - Two.

454. - Three. - Don't do it at the same time.

455. - You said three. - Go on four. Can you count?

456. - Your three or my four? - There's only one three.

457. - I'm trying to get in the car! - Do it on four, I count to three.

458. You said three... You do it on three or I do it on two?

459. - I heard three. - You have to do it on four!

460. - Why go on four? - You gave me four first...

461. - I count to three first! - You stole my four!

462. I gotta wait now? You want the black man to wait?

463. - Do what you want. - That's what I've been doing!

464. Why would you reach for it when I say three?

465. - That's what this is about! - Do I still go on four?

466. When I say three. You don't worry about four. You got all the time in the world.

467. You can go home, watch television and come back, and then open the door!

468. - Fine. No. No one. - One...

469. I'm out! No, thank you I'll take the next one.

470. Does that work for you?

471. - Jesus. - Attitude.

472. Seriously, I'd rather be dead.

473. "A girl had a pet duck.

474. She fed and took care of her pet duck.

475. But one day, the duck got loose and ran away from the girl.

476. The duck ran down the road and kept running,

477. until he found a pond."

478. Mr President, we've just received word the planet is under attack by aliens.

479. Uh-huh. OK.

480. Sir, they've already wiped out some of our cities.

481. If nothing is done, they'll kill us all.

482. I see. Well, I'll handle that in a minute,

483. but right now, I need to find out what's happening with the duck.

484. Sir, with each passing moment, more people will die.

485. The people are gonna die regardless, but this duck still has a fighting chance.

486. I've read the story before, Mr President.

487. The duck dies.

488. My God! That's horrible.

489. Mr President, the aliens. We're under attack.

490. You mean all of these children's parents could be dead?

491. Kids!

492. Kids, please. It's not as bad as it seems.

493. They didn't die alone, they died with all the other people you love.

494. - Even Santa Claus? - No, of course not.

495. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.

496. Just like the Tooth Fairy, completely made up.

497. Easter Bunny, never existed.

498. The female orgasm.

499. Wait and see what happens when you try to find it.

500. What's wrong, your parents all getting divorces?

501. I can give them a little advice, if you like.

502. Oh, I forgot, they're all dead.

503. Let's go on to another story, Rumpleforeskin.

504. Stiltskin, sir. We have to get you to the White House.

505. I just don't get kids. Remind me to sign that abortion bill.

506. Yes, sir.

507. You may leave through the exit doors

508. or the gaping hole in the side of the plane.

509. We appreciate you flying with Southern Coast Air. Thank you.

510. Hello?

511. Hey, that's mine. I found it.

512. - Cindy? - Brenda?

513. Oh, my God. It's been so long.

514. Yeah. Too long.

515. - I thought you were dead. - Oh, I thought you were dead too.

516. What are you doing? Were you on this plane?

517. No, I'm trying to get a good story. I'm a reporter now, I work for local news.

518. Wow, you're really doing well for yourself.

519. I was on assignment. Take a look at this.

520. Here's Detroit.

521. And here's Detroit after the attack.

522. Oh, my God.

523. The attack was devastating.

524. It's over, Cindy, humanity has lost the war.

525. No, no, there's still hope.

526. I have reason to believe someone here has the answers.

527. Maybe even a way for us to fight back.

528. Come on. It'll make a great story.

529. Maybe. But how are we supposed to get there? None of these cars work.

530. Wait, see if this works.

531. Hey, I got the last working car in New York!

532. This is how I roll, bitches! Ha-ha!

533. You're right. That worked pretty well.

534. I...

535. Look at all the injured.

536. It's so sad.

537. big-ass rat, man. Oh!

538. - That sewer took forever to fix. - I'm gonna need a hot bath after all...

539. What the hell happened here?

540. - Zombies! - Damn!

541. Let's go.

542. Don't let 'em bite you!

543. Good news: they can still feel electricity.

544. Grandma? The zombies have got my grandma!

545. Die, Grandma! Die! Die!

546. I loved you!

547. - Mahalik? - Look what they did to my grandmama!

548. That woman raised me from birth.

549. Hey, he's got a car. He's got a car.

550. Give us the car! Get the keys!

551. This isn't my car. I would, but I can't. It's not my car. It's not my car.

552. Don't worry, kids, the doors are locked, there's no way they can

553. build a robot out of chocolate, but that's common sense. Oh, waiter.

554. - Daddy! - Kids!

555. Why?

556. Well... Get back!

557. Get back.

558. Give me the gun, I'm taking the car.

559. What do I do about him?

560. I don't want the car, I just need a gun.

561. No way I'm giving up the gun. I want the car.

562. So, you need a gun and you want a car.

563. - What do you want? - Well, I've never owned a knife.

564. OK, let's all switch on three.

565. One, two, three.

566. - Is this right? - I don't think so.

567. Dad, they're taking the car.

568. Yes, well, uh, let's keep going.

569. What? That's it? You're giving up?

570. Yeah, that's right, I'm giving up. You want a hero, go find someone else.

571. Why?

572. Let's go.

573. Now, let me get this straight.

574. The girl hugged the duck and then it dies?

575. Mr President, the nation is under attack.

576. Get me Homer Landskirty.

577. You mean Homeland Security?

578. Sir, this woman was an eyewitness to one of the attacks.

579. - What can you tell us? - They're indestructible.

580. The clothing was burned off everyone's bodies.

581. There were naked people everywhere.

582. - Were you naked? - No.

583. Thank God, some good news at last. Get her a souvenir.

584. Lil' Kim. Lil' Kim got my sandwich.

585. Look out, Russell Crowe's got a phone!

586. R. Kelly, don't pee on me.

587. My lovely lady lumps!

588. - Where are we? - I'm not sure.

589. But I think we're close. It's supposed to be near mile 62.

590. - Is something wrong? - No, it's just...

591. I met this guy.

592. And I wonder if he's safe. Oh, you'd love him, Brenda.

593. What's his name? I might have already loved him.

594. - Tom Ryan. - Yep, did him.

595. - Big, fat Chinese guy? - No. No.

596. But he is the kind of guy I'd like to share the rest of my life with.

597. Cindy! Look!

598. - What is this place? - I don't know.

599. But the boy's father's in there. We'll have to sneak our way in.

600. - We won't blend in dressed like this. - Brenda, look.

601. - He's a wonderful boy. - Yes.

602. Ezekiel? Ezekiel, where are you?

603. Ezekiel, shall we have a foot race?

604. No cheating.

605. - Ah! - Oof!

606. That's him.

607. He's cute.

608. Friends. Friends.

609. Do not fear the noise of Those Of Whom We Do Not Speak.

610. There is a truce between our village

611. and the creatures beyond our borders.

612. Now, who would like to say grace?

613. Uh... Ezekiel.

614. Pee-pee.

615. Pee-pee and vagina!

616. Amen.

617. Oof!

618. - Father? - Holly.

619. For what purpose do you interrupt the celebration

620. of the domestic partnership of Mordecai and Hoss?

621. The guards caught two outsiders near the cabin.

622. Who are you?

623. I must speak with you. I was sent by your son.

624. Don't be ridiculous. I have no son.

625. That's not true! I know who you are. I've seen the pictures.

626. - I was young. I needed the work. - No.

627. In Mrs Norris' house.

628. I didn't know whose house it was.

629. They drugged me. Never mind that.

630. You're outsiders.

631. The council will decide your fates.

632. The question of the outsiders is now at hand.

633. But first, Martha, have you some tidings?

634. Nathaniel Winston and Alice Smith have informed me of their intentions.

635. He intends to have sex with her as soon as possible.

636. She intends to put up a mild fight and then give in.

637. - Amos, something does trouble you? - Mmm...

638. We now have a majority of those who wish to say "I'm"

639. instead of "I am".

640. - I'm for that. - I am against it.

641. Silence. We have more important matters to discuss.

642. I fear that the presence of the outsiders

643. will attract Those Of Whom We Do Not Speak.

644. If you talk about Those Of Whom We Do Not Speak,

645. have you not spoken of that about which we do not talk?

646. Do not speak of that of about which we talk of not speaking...

647. about.

648. Elder Hale, we should welcome the outsiders among us.

649. Jeremiah, ought not your tongue be held?

650. I am sorry, Elder Hale,

651. but sometimes my tongue wiggles beyond my ability to control it.

652. This is a problem with which I have had much experience.

653. Maybe I could help him in a room in which there are no others.

654. Or you can all watch, I don't give a shit.

655. After this, how about you take your thing of which we do not speak,

656. and slide it up in my place in which I like...

657. Silence.

658. The elders will consult.

659. Much better.

660. I'm not in my house, am I?

661. No.

662. Outsiders, we have decided to let you stay with us,

663. so that you'll be safe from Those of Whom We Do Not...

664. Or Don't.

665. Speak. But now that you are a part of our village, understand this:

666. You may never leave.

667. No! No!

668. How did your son die? The fate of the world is at stake!

669. - You know what to do. - Was it you? Did you kill him?

670. This is some shit up with which we will not put!

671. - I'm for that. - I am against it.

672. This village isn't what it used to be.

673. Just hours after the devastating alien attack,

674. world leaders have gathered at the United Nations.

675. In this, mankind's darkest hour,

676. the human race has turned as one to the wisdom and leadership

677. of the president of the United States.

678. Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.

679. - Go get 'em, tiger. - They mean you, sir.

680. Oh, yes, of course.

681. So an Indian, a Frenchman and the pope are all on a plane.

682. The pilot says, "Hey, are any of you not circumcised?"

683. So the pope lifts up his robe and says,

684. "Shut up, stupid, you don't even speak English."

685. The Israeli asked the Japanese guy to open his eyes,

686. but the man says, "I'm not squinting, crazy Jew. You sold me cheap glasses."

687. What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit?

688. The Belgian drinks wine but the dog shit smells good.

689. On a serious note, I'm here today at the, uh, un,

690. because Earth has been attacked.

691. We may have found a way to fight back.

692. My military advisors at the Pentagram have managed to do the impossible.

693. They have captured one of the alien heat-ray guns.

694. The heat ray destroys the body, leaving behind nothing but clothes.

695. Our engineers have managed to reverse the polarity of the weapon

696. in the hopes that it can now be turned against the alien invaders.

697. Now, where were we?

698. Ah, yes. We expect the alien shields will be vulnerable

699. to this reconfigured weapon.

700. People, please.

701. Please, please.

702. People. Now, I know that this new technology may seem frightening,

703. but I believe that deep down inside, this heat cannon is our best chance.

704. Let me give you a demonstration.

705. Let's see if this thing is plugged in.

706. It's not a very pretty sight. Everything's loose and flapping around.

707. Look at this little pink thing.

708. Someone get lubricant. We'll slather it around in here.

709. Harper. Good God, these people are all naked.

710. Have you no shame? Have you no decency?

711. Sir, you're naked too.

712. I am? I thought this was a wrinkly leather coat.

713. - Sir! - These aren't buttons?

714. - No. - I've been pulling this like a zipper.

715. Mr President, please.

716. There goes that duck again.

717. - Yo, man, you see this red weed? - No.

718. - Dad, how much further till Mom's? - I don't know.

719. I'm not sure how much longer I can carry your sister.

720. I've been walking this entire time.

721. - Then who the hell is...? - I'll pay you.

722. - Stay close, Rachel. - Dad, look!

723. - Hey, hey, you guys! I want to help. - Robbie!

724. Oh, no.

725. Don't move. Stay right there. I'll be right back.

726. Hey! Hey, you guys! I want to help.

727. Awesome!

728. Wait!

729. - Are you crazy? - No, they'll pay for half my college.

730. Kick-ass!

731. Robbie.

732. - Yes! - What's the matter with you?

733. Hey, look at that guy. This is so cool!

734. Robbie!

735. Robbie!

736. Rachel! Rachel!

737. Little girl, are you alone?

738. You need to come with me. I'll keep you safe. Right, kids?

739. - Do you have a brother? - Get away from her.

740. Run away, kids!

741. Toward the tripod if you have to!

742. Don't go, I've got a Ferris wheel and a chimp and a big soft bed.

743. We can all get in it.

744. No!

745. Not my real face! Not my real face!

746. Over here.

747. Follow me to safety. Ow!

748. Follow me to safety.

749. - I don't know about this. - I'm an excellent judge of character.

750. That's it. Oh, Brenda. Yes!

751. You did it!

752. You have learned quickly and produced splendid butter.

753. Are you sure you've not churned before?

754. We don't call it churning where I come from.

755. The scourge is upon us.

756. Pee-pee! Vagina! Ooh!

757. Ooh!

758. - Quick! Into the cellar. - No.

759. This is the cellar. That's the cess pool.

760. Damn it!

761. Hey!

762. You're not monsters.

763. Old Lady Henderson?

764. And Pigface Joe.

765. - What happened? - It is Henry.

766. He has suffered a heart attack.

767. Brought on by this knife.

768. - Who did this? - It was Ezekiel.

769. Henry, you need a hospital.

770. It's not too late, we can help you.

771. Perhaps you could start by not leaning on the knife.

772. Do not be concerned for him, Cindy.

773. We have sent our most qualified villager for medicines.

774. I am so dead.

775. Please, leave me alone with Cindy and Brenda. I have much to tell them.

776. Listen carefully to me.

777. I am not long for this world.

778. - Pussy. - Brenda.

779. What? 50 Cent got shot nine times, he's still walking around.

780. Tell me, Henry, who killed the boy? Was it you?

781. No. I loved him and his mother very much.

782. I should have been with him when he died.

783. - It was horrible. - What happened? You must tell me.

784. They went to a boxing match.

785. It was a Women's Championship title fight.

786. And there was a terrible accident.

787. Oh, my God!

788. Only in America!

789. All this time I've been searching for his killer,

790. when it was me, Brenda. It was all my fault.

791. Henry, your son told me that if I found his killer,

792. I would know how to defeat the aliens.

793. And he was right. Don't you see?

794. All you have to do is... Ah!

795. Who the hell let his ass out of jail?

796. His brother, the sheriff.

797. Fuckin' A.

798. - There you go, sweetie. - We're gonna die, aren't we?

799. Hey, nothing's gonna happen to you.

800. - I haven't lost anyone yet. - You've lost Robbie.

801. Except Robbie.

802. None of that matters now. What's important is I'm here with you.

803. Try and get some sleep, OK?

804. Sing me Lullaby and Goodnight.

805. I don't know that one.

806. Sing me Hushabye Mountain.

807. I'm sorry, Rachel, I don't know that one either.

808. Hey. Come on in.

809. Have a seat.

810. - My name's Oliver. - Tom. Tom Ryan.

811. I found this place. Plenty of food.

812. Along with two freshly killed busybodies upstairs who "owned the place".

813. We could stay here forever. Are you afraid?

814. - Of course I'm afraid. - I'm not.

815. I've been around death plenty.

816. I used to drive an ambulance in the city.

817. But, apparently, I wasn't a very strong driver.

818. It seems I was killing more people than I was saving.

819. Something about that siren got me excited. The wham...

820. and the carnage.

821. But this is different. This is a war.

822. No, it's an extermination.

823. It's no more of a war than there's a war between men and maggots,

824. or dragons and wolves,

825. or men riding dragons throwing wolves at maggots.

826. Can't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

827. These aliens must have a weakness.

828. I heard that the Japs killed a few of them over in Kikkoman.

829. - Kikkoman. That's a soy sauce. - Right, yeah. Low sodium.

830. What I'm trying to say is you and I should be fighting these things.

831. We should be coming from underground.

832. We'll have to bury ourselves first, but it'll be worth it.

833. Cool breeze, no sun block, worms.

834. When we build our tripods, they'll have four legs.

835. I gotta show you something.

836. We'll tunnel up from behind and scare the piss out of them.

837. Wish we had some shovels, don't you?

838. Dad.

839. Daddy!

840. Rachel!

841. Rachel!

842. Rachel!

843. What's the secret, Brenda? What am I missing?

844. Please! More fake monsters?

845. Help! Help!

846. Help! Help! Oh!

847. I promised I'd find you, didn't I?

848. Where are we? What is this?

849. Some kind of basket attached to the tripod.

850. Jesus!

851. I know. It's horrible.

852. Why? What are the aliens gonna do to us?

853. I don't know, but they're taking everyone. Young, old, rich, poor.

854. Chingy.

855. Daddy!

856. - Rachel! - No!

857. - Help! - Tom!

858. - Am I dead? - You're not dead.

859. - Brenda! - Cindy!

860. Hey. Could be worse.

861. Do you wanna switch?

862. OK.

863. Brenda, look!

864. I don't believe it. The aliens killed a dinosaur!

865. Hello, humans. Welcome to the inside of the command tripod.

866. Where's Rachel? What have you done with her?

867. All in good time, Tom. But first, I want to play a game.

868. The devices you wear will trigger in 60 seconds.

869. The switch on the wall behind Cindy will disable them.

870. But where is the key? I'll give you a hint, Cindy.

871. Let the game begin.

872. I... I don't get it.

873. OK. Maybe this will help you see.

874. You want me to...

875. cut something?

876. That should be obvious, yes.

877. No.

878. No. God... The key is behind your eye, OK?

879. Zoltar, get in here. This one's gonna do it.

880. Fake eye.

881. Bad bar fight, '96.

882. Oh. Oh, I hope this doesn't come between us.

883. Of course not.

884. Is it too late for me to try this on?

885. Silence. The game is not yet over.

886. - Rachel! - Daddy!

887. - Robbie. - Daddy!

888. The only thing keeping your children alive, Tom, is you.

889. Well, we had a good run.

890. Ha!

891. - Weren't expecting that, were you? - On the contrary,

892. I was counting on it.

893. I call it the Nutcracker.

894. Why?

895. Oof! Of course.

896. Tempura sushi sashimi...

897. Oh, my gosh. Of course.

898. Follow the blood. Henry was his stepdad.

899. - You're the little boy's real father. - Where did you even meet her?

900. It was spring break in Cabo. So what? I blended in.

901. Seriously, who gives a crap?

902. What's this?

903. Ooh!

904. Enjoy your purple nurple, Tom.

905. Please. Your son wouldn't want this.

906. His soul walks the Earth because of the pain you're causing.

907. No. I have crossed a galaxy for revenge.

908. But it's my fault. Let the others go.

909. Oh, I don't think so. Look upon him as he writhes...

910. Hey, Cindy! Look, I'm on TV, y'all!

911. Check it out. I wanna give a shout out to all my peeps.

912. Have you lost your mind?

913. No one... pimp-slaps... Brenda.

914. Zoltar, help.

915. This is some bullshit.

916. I know you hold a grudge against humanity for your son's death...

917. A wet willy!

918. Killing us won't bring your boy back.

919. No, you will all pay for what you have done.

920. Besides, I've already built this thing.

921. When the trap closes on you, it will lock the chain in place.

922. Your children will be saved, but you will suffer a terrible death.

923. Can you hang on to the ones you love?

924. You have 60 seconds.

925. - No. - Don't worry, kids.

926. I won't quit on you.

927. It's OK to let go, Dad. All you ever had to do was show that you loved me.

928. And show me what it means to be a man.

929. And show me that I could love again.

930. We forgive you, Dad.

931. The spikes, they stopped!

932. - Kids. - Daddy!

933. Are you sparing our lives?

934. Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes real courage to forgive.

935. The invasion is over.

936. - And? - And I guess I'm sorry or something.

937. Like you mean it.

938. OK, I'm sorry for killing millions of people. Whatever.

939. Wait! Where's Brenda?

940. What? We're at peace now, I was just sealing the deal.

941. Come on, Brenda, let's go.

942. Bye, Zoltar! Don't lose my number!

943. Tell me you didn't catch something.

944. Nah, it's cool. She said she was a virgin.

945. We are so fucked.

946. Mommy!

947. Thank you.

948. Hey, look, kids, Grandpa.

949. No, that's my new husband.

950. I think it's romantic. The way love can find anyone.

951. And so love triumphed in the end

952. and the invaders were destroyed.

953. For this world, our world,

954. is the world of men.

955. We have earned the right to live here.

956. And as long as we love, humanity will prevail.

957. Each of our enemies has failed in their quest to defeat us.

958. Each has been undone by their own nefarious plans.

959. Among all worlds, across all galaxies,

960. we stand above, we stand alone.

961. None can threaten our existence, none can challenge our spirit.

962. And why? Of all the qualities that make us unique,

963. it is love that is our greatest strength.

964. And because of love, mankind...

965. Thank you. Hello and welcome to the show.

966. We have got a very special man with some very special news.

967. He's in the building. The man who saved the world.

968. Put your hands together for Tom Ryan!

969. - Yes! - My best friend.

970. Wow.

971. That's it? OK.

972. - So, you're in love. - I am. I'm in love.

973. He's lost it. The boy's lost it.

974. Whoo!

975. - You are adorable when in love. - Thank you.

976. - Tell us all about her. - She's great.

977. She's really terrific. So it's complicated.

978. You were saying that she's complex, I guess.

979. Shut up.

980. - Ow! - You're insane. Tom Ryan is insane!

981. - I'm insane! - Are you happy?

982. I'm so happy. Hey, look!

983. Whoa!

984. Tom, OK, you've got balls.

985. Yeah! Shoe.

986. I love Cindy Campbell! And I can jump on things!

987. Whoa!

988. Yeah! Wowee! Wowee! Wowee! Wowee! Wowee!

989. Wowee! Wowee! Wowee! Wowee!

990. Um, OK, Tom, isn't Cindy here?

991. I know she's here. Cindy, I know you're in the building.

992. Cindy! Cindy!

993. - Yeah, let's bring her out right now. - I love this woman! I love this woman!

994. Ah! Oh, God!

995. Oh, God! Oh!