1. day after day you want.Copy !req
2. A store that one might...Copy !req
3. I hate television. It gives me headaches.Copy !req
4. You know, there's so many magnetic waves
traveling in the airspaceCopy !req
5. because of TV and television,Copy !req
6. we're losing ten times as many
brain cells as we're supposed to.Copy !req
7. Please!Copy !req
8. "The cow says blank." Three letters.Copy !req
9. Dude!Copy !req
10. "Dude." I don't know.Copy !req
11. Magnetic waves, brain cells.Copy !req
12. I don't understand the connection
between all that stuff.Copy !req
13. You know what else I heard?Copy !req
14. Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules.Copy !req
15. Oh, my God! Turn it off!Copy !req
16. - It's not working!
- It's backwards!Copy !req
17. - What do we do?
- I don't know!Copy !req
18. Oh, God!Copy !req
19. Thank God. I can't afford to get any smaller.Copy !req
20. Come on. You're beautiful.Copy !req
21. I wish I had your legs.Copy !req
22. I wish I had your butt.Copy !req
23. - I wish I had your...
- Shaved pussy?Copy !req
24. Nobody's getting Snowball.Copy !req
25. Okay. That thing's kind of scary, anyway.Copy !req
26. - I know something even scarier.
- What?Copy !req
27. Have you heard about this videotape?Copy !req
28. The one where they do it on the boat?Copy !req
29. And then in the car?
And then in the bathtub?Copy !req
30. And he's, like, "Hey, baby, I love you."
And she's, like, "Where are we?"Copy !req
31. - And did you see the...
- No. Not that tape.Copy !req
32. The one with all the scary images.Copy !req
33. You know, after you watch the tape,
the phone rings,Copy !req
34. and this really scary voice comes on
and says you're gonna die in, like...Copy !req
35. Seven days.
Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend.Copy !req
36. You were with Josh last weekend?
Oh, my God!Copy !req
37. My God!Copy !req
38. Oh, yes, I was.Copy !req
39. You ho!Copy !req
40. You know it!Copy !req
41. - This is really weird.
- Yeah.Copy !req
42. Big house, only one phone.Copy !req
43. Hello?Copy !req
44. I'm coming for you, my precious.Copy !req
45. - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, precious. Having fun?Copy !req
46. Ask her which bathroom
has a detachable showerhead.Copy !req
47. Anyway, we're just about to go to bed.Copy !req
48. No. Not like that.Copy !req
49. Well, I guess a woman
would know how to touch a...Copy !req
50. Hello?Copy !req
51. Katie?Copy !req
52. Are you okay?Copy !req
53. God!Copy !req
54. Tom, did you hear...Copy !req
55. The dogs are acting strange.Copy !req
56. Sue!Copy !req
57. What are you doing out here?
We were worried sick.Copy !req
58. What's wrong?Copy !req
59. I wonder what they're trying to tell us.Copy !req
60. And now, Washington, D.C.'s
leading morning news program,Copy !req
61. the Morning News.Copy !req
62. Good morning. I'm Ross Giggins.Copy !req
63. For our top story,
we turn now to Cindy Campbell.Copy !req
64. Thank you, Ross.Copy !req
65. There's a developing story
in Middleburg at this hour.Copy !req
66. A mysterious crop circle appeared
in local farmer, Tom Logan's cornfield.Copy !req
67. Elaborate prank
or extraterrestrial phenomenon?Copy !req
68. We'll update you
as soon as we have any further information,Copy !req
69. but, either way, it's clear something strange
is happening in that small town. Ross?Copy !req
70. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.Copy !req
71. Coming up, more news after this.Copy !req
72. - Cindy, you got a second?
- Sure.Copy !req
73. I want you to take a look at this
for that big strip-club exposé.Copy !req
74. But I'd rather stick with the crop circle story.Copy !req
75. Come on.
You know those things are just a hoax.Copy !req
76. No, I'm telling you,
I sense something about that cornfield.Copy !req
77. Call it women's intuition or ESPN or both,
but I can tell when danger's near. I just...Copy !req
78. - My eyes!
- Cindy, it's sweeps month.Copy !req
79. Ratings mean everything.Copy !req
80. People want human-interest stories,
like the one you did yesterday.Copy !req
81. The report on breast augmentation?Copy !req
82. It was just ten minutes of topless women.Copy !req
83. I mean, come on.Copy !req
84. - Wow!
- Why are these so interesting?Copy !req
85. For God's sake!Copy !req
86. People don't care about this.Copy !req
87. They want hard-hitting stories
and in-depth coverage and... And...Copy !req
88. And twins!Copy !req
89. You think it was the Kreisel boys
who cut that stuff into your corn?Copy !req
90. All I know is my crops are gone.Copy !req
91. The bank's gonna foreclose
if I can't pay the rent.Copy !req
92. I got 60 days to come up with $1.50.Copy !req
93. I'm sorry.
The last thing you needed was more...Copy !req
94. hardship in your life.Copy !req
95. Especially after what happened to your...Copy !req
96. Sheriff, I don't need your sympathy.Copy !req
97. I didn't mean to upset you, Father.Copy !req
98. Please. I'm not a minister anymore.Copy !req
99. I lost my faith that terrible night.Copy !req
100. Your faith will return,
just as sure as the sun will rise.Copy !req
101. Sounds like a long shot.Copy !req
102. Look, there's always an explanation
for all this so-called phenomenon.Copy !req
103. Maybe you're right.Copy !req
104. It was probably just the Kreisels.Copy !req
105. And when I get through with them,Copy !req
106. I doubt you'll be seeing anything strange
on this farm for a long time.Copy !req
107. You'll see.Copy !req
108. You all right, Tom? Get some rest.Copy !req
109. George!Copy !req
110. I need you back here tomorrow night
after you pick up Sue.Copy !req
111. That tractor needs fixing.Copy !req
112. Sorry, dawg. I can't help you.
I have to get ready for my show.Copy !req
113. Not that stupid hip-hop stuff again.Copy !req
114. Damn it, George, when are you gonna
do something with your life?Copy !req
115. - I got a dream!
- What is your dream?Copy !req
116. To have a dream.Copy !req
117. George, all you've done
is chase adolescent fantasies.Copy !req
118. "I wanna be an astronaut, a cowboy,
gynecologist to the stars."Copy !req
119. And now, this stupid hip-hop thing.Copy !req
120. For your information,
this hip-hop thing is gonna get me paid.Copy !req
121. I'm gonna win that rap battle
tomorrow night.Copy !req
122. Rap battle? For God's sakes.Copy !req
123. You just hate me 'cause I'm black.Copy !req
124. You don't have any faith in me.Copy !req
125. You don't have any faith
in anything anymore.Copy !req
126. So why don't you just worry about you,
and I'll worry about...Copy !req
127. Cody.Copy !req
128. You're late again, Aunt Cindy.Copy !req
129. I'm sorry. I was stuck in traffic.Copy !req
130. - Cindy!
- Brenda, hi!Copy !req
131. It's great to see you!Copy !req
132. - It's been so long.
- Too long.Copy !req
133. I've been working so hard.Copy !req
134. You know, I've had to spend
more and more time at the station.Copy !req
135. The news just keeps coming in.Copy !req
136. What was the assignment?Copy !req
137. Draw your family and friends.Copy !req
138. So, anyone new in your life, Cindy?Copy !req
139. Well, you know,
I just haven't found the right guy.Copy !req
140. I'm looking for something more
than just good sex.Copy !req
141. I know, you want commitment.Copy !req
142. No, I want great sex.
And when I meet that guy...Copy !req
143. That's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
144. You want a guy
that's gonna hit that thing hard, like...Copy !req
145. And then flip you over
and come at you from the other side.Copy !req
146. D-O-double-G.Copy !req
147. Did I say stop drawing?Copy !req
148. And then he'll look at you,
like he gonna cut you.Copy !req
149. Brenda, you're so romantic.Copy !req
150. I guess.Copy !req
151. Look, when I meet Mr. Right, I'll know.Copy !req
152. Uncle George!Copy !req
153. Hey, sweetie, come here!Copy !req
154. How are you?Copy !req
155. Go get your stuff, okay?Copy !req
156. I know you. You're Tom Logan's brother.Copy !req
157. - And you're that reporter, Cindy Campbell.
- Yeah.Copy !req
158. You did the story on our cop cycles.Copy !req
159. Crop circles.Copy !req
160. Right.Copy !req
161. So, you're here to pick up your...Copy !req
162. Nephew. Cody.Copy !req
163. You don't dress like a farmer.Copy !req
164. My brother's the farmer.Copy !req
165. I'm the rapper.Copy !req
166. For real. And here's the 6-1-1 on that.Copy !req
167. That's phone repair. You mean 4-1-1.Copy !req
168. Right.Copy !req
169. So, I'll be doing the rap battle
at the 23 Club tomorrow night.Copy !req
170. I don't believe this shit.Copy !req
171. Word. You two should come down!Copy !req
172. I be rappin', I be cappin',
I be tappin', I be flappin',Copy !req
173. I be happening. Ding, bing, wing. Yo!Copy !req
174. - Sounds good.
- Would, could, should, 'hood.Copy !req
175. Gug, mug, dug, bug.Copy !req
176. If we say we'll come,
will you shut your ass up?Copy !req
177. Okay, then. Fresh.
I'll see you guys tomorrow night.Copy !req
178. - Okay. Bye.
- Peace out.Copy !req
179. Now, who the fuck did that?Copy !req
180. Honey, what is it?
Are you having one of your visions?Copy !req
181. There's a girl with black hair.Copy !req
182. She wants to kill you.Copy !req
183. Your period starts in three, two, one.Copy !req
184. What else? Cody, what else do you see?Copy !req
185. I see a little boy and a grown woman,
but no father.Copy !req
186. - Cody.
- I see you kneeling in dog shit.Copy !req
187. What?Copy !req
188. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
189. Cody, don't you understand?Copy !req
190. As long as we have each other,
that's all we need.Copy !req
191. Cody, I know things have been tough
for you since your mom died.Copy !req
192. God, I've been so selfish.
Always putting my career first.Copy !req
193. From now on,
I'm gonna be thinking about you 24...Copy !req
194. Damn!Copy !req
195. Wait, Cindy!Copy !req
196. Honey, I'm gonna be leaving soon, so...Copy !req
197. Do you know who she is?Copy !req
198. No,Copy !req
199. but sometimes she talks to me.Copy !req
200. She's coming tonight.Copy !req
201. - Father Muldoon!
- Cindy.Copy !req
202. I'm so grateful you could come.
I've called all over for babysitters.Copy !req
203. I don't mind filling in now and then.Copy !req
204. Where is little Cody?Copy !req
205. I don't know.
He must be back in his room, playing.Copy !req
206. Anyway, make sure
Cody washes everywhere.Copy !req
207. Also, he has a little rash on his behind.Copy !req
208. Could you rub this lotion
on his little bottom?Copy !req
209. Just apply it liberally.Copy !req
210. Thank you, Father. Good night.Copy !req
211. Cody.Copy !req
212. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's getting thick up in here.Copy !req
213. Hey, look,
before we get on with the battles tonight,Copy !req
214. I got a couple announcements to make.Copy !req
215. I know y'all are gonna wanna bust a cap
in the air for your favorite rapper,Copy !req
216. but if you could please hold on
to your gunfire until the end of the show.Copy !req
217. Now, look, let's just put the safeties on.Copy !req
218. It's on the left side of the gun
above the trigger guard.Copy !req
219. Will somebody get his ass out of here?
Get his ass up out of here!Copy !req
220. All right. DJ, spin that shit!Copy !req
221. - My bad.
- Mother...Copy !req
222. Brenda, is something wrong?
You look scared.Copy !req
223. I don't know.
All that stuff you was saying on TV,Copy !req
224. I just got a weird feeling
something bad is heading my way,Copy !req
225. like when you see an Asian person
behind the wheel of a car.Copy !req
226. Cindy, after the show,Copy !req
227. if I don't end up on all fours
with some anonymous guy,Copy !req
228. or drink an ass load of CristalCopy !req
229. and have to sleep it off
in a dumpster behind the Sizzler,Copy !req
230. you think maybe you could come back
to my crib and hang out with me?Copy !req
231. I don't wanna be alone.Copy !req
232. Of course I will, Brenda.Copy !req
233. I love you!Copy !req
234. Pay my way, okay?Copy !req
235. Yo, yo, yo, George! What's up
with the man with the tightest rapping...Copy !req
236. - What's up, B? What's good?
- ... on the streets, baby!Copy !req
237. - What's good with you, boy?
- Dude!Copy !req
238. - What's good, baby?
- Dude!Copy !req
239. Finally, the white man is gonna school
the black man on how to rap.Copy !req
240. - Yeah!
- Yeah, I guess.Copy !req
241. - Word.
- How many people are here, you think?Copy !req
242. Shit.Copy !req
243. I don't know, man.
100, 200 whitey-hating, chrome-packing,Copy !req
244. ready to bust a cap in any white boy's ass
who ain't bringing that shit.Copy !req
245. - Yeah. At least. Yeah.
- Word.Copy !req
246. What's wrong, George?Copy !req
247. You ever wonder when it's time
to stop living up hereCopy !req
248. and start living down here?Copy !req
249. But what if we stop living over here
and move over there?Copy !req
250. Shit, my Aunt ShaNeequa
used to live over there, man,Copy !req
251. - but that bitch got evicted, though.
- Word?Copy !req
252. - Yeah, I'm dead serious.
- What for?Copy !req
253. - Mice.
- Mice? I thought she had rats.Copy !req
254. No, man. Rats are outside, mice are inside.Copy !req
255. Yo, but what if a mouse goes outside?
Does it become a rat?Copy !req
256. And if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?Copy !req
257. I ain't never seen no mouse outside.
That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
258. That's because it's a rat, fool!Copy !req
259. Damn. Yeah, you might've just made a fact
just now. That's some real shit!Copy !req
260. - Fellas, what are you guys talking about?
- That's hot!Copy !req
261. Yo, George, you need something?
'Cause I will do anything for you.Copy !req
262. Anything.Copy !req
263. Well, about those chrome-packing,
whitey-hating gangsters, perhaps...Copy !req
264. - What he need is a hype man.
- Word!Copy !req
265. Yeah, yeah, a-come on.Copy !req
266. You can be his Spliff Star.Copy !req
267. That's me, that's what I do.Copy !req
268. That's my job, baby. That's what I do!
You know...Copy !req
269. That's what I do.
When you a hype man, you take them hits.Copy !req
270. Now, let's get out there, man!Copy !req
271. Heads or tail, playboy, what's it gonna be?Copy !req
272. You cannot escape your fate in the streetsCopy !req
273. Okay, I count cash, you count sheepCopy !req
274. You better not sleep on the beats, capisceCopy !req
275. All right, all right, all right! That was hot!Copy !req
276. That's what I'm talking about.
That was hot, right? Right?Copy !req
277. Yo, what do we think?Copy !req
278. I thought you were both absolutely dreadful.Copy !req
279. - Ghastly.
- What?Copy !req
280. I don't know what I'm doing here.Copy !req
281. This club is totally pathetic.Copy !req
282. Everybody put your hands up.Copy !req
283. This is it. You ready, George?
It's show time, baby.Copy !req
284. - Okay.
- I just want to let you know, man,Copy !req
285. that no matter what goes on
on that stage tonight,Copy !req
286. you'll always be in my heart.Copy !req
287. That's love. That's love right there.Copy !req
288. - I love you.
- That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
289. - I love you, man. Can you feel it?
- That's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
290. - Hey, come here, y'all. Come here.
- Can you feel my love on your hip?Copy !req
291. - Can you feel it?
- I can't get around!Copy !req
292. - Okay.
- Come on, dawg!Copy !req
293. - That's what I'm talking about.
- You go out there and you rip it tonight.Copy !req
294. All right, man?
Do your thing tonight, all right?Copy !req
295. - Okay, cool. All right.
- We shouldn't have to do that.Copy !req
296. - We love each other.
- I'm gonna go bring you on.Copy !req
297. Let's do it, baby. We hyped!Copy !req
298. Yeah, all right, all right.
Y'all ready for the next throw down?Copy !req
299. To my left, we have the reigning champion,Copy !req
300. hailing from Fort Apache, the Bronx.Copy !req
301. BS 1-1-1.Copy !req
302. Some of y'all call him
"Jealous Ones Still Envy."Copy !req
303. Some of y'all call him the Don Cartagena!Copy !req
304. Some of y'all call him Joey Crack.Copy !req
305. - Stick 'em up!
- But tonight, let's give it up for Fat Joe!Copy !req
306. I gotta go against him?Copy !req
307. Give it up! Give it up!Copy !req
308. What, you think they're here to see Fat Joe?Copy !req
309. - Joe! Joe! Joe!
- Joe! Joe! Joe!Copy !req
310. No, man, they're saying, "Go! Go! Go!"Copy !req
311. Now our challenger.Copy !req
312. He's a farmer rapper, so you know
he been kicking the shit all day!Copy !req
313. Let's give it up for my man, George!Copy !req
314. That's what I'm talking about! Yeah, yeah!
Come on, everybody!Copy !req
315. - That's right.
- Put your hands...Copy !req
316. That's right. Okay, Joey Crack.Copy !req
317. You the reigning champion,
so you get to spit first.Copy !req
318. Yo, DJ, spin that shit!Copy !req
319. These guys can't be serious right here.Copy !req
320. Standing Mini-Me, AKA
"I hope he ain't the one you fight with."Copy !req
321. Hey, yo, this nigga's mad corny
And he got no skillsCopy !req
322. 'Cause he's all right
But he's not realCopy !req
323. I don't mean to hurt your feelings
But you'll never get a dealCopy !req
324. 'Cause he's all right
But he's not realCopy !req
325. You're a needle in the haystack
I'm the don, the city slickerCopy !req
326. Forget cows and milk your mom's
Her titties give ya that elixirCopy !req
327. Thought he wasn't?Copy !req
328. Bet this nigga end up
Having kids with his cousinCopy !req
329. Half-retarded
My number-one fan be likeCopy !req
330. That means Fat Joe's the man!Copy !req
331. You're a liar in denialCopy !req
332. Kill your ass quicker than I died in EmpireCopy !req
333. How dare you want to joust with me?Copy !req
334. Looking like you dying of SARS
Or mad cow diseaseCopy !req
335. You fake D-rabbit out to battle meCopy !req
336. Eight miles down the road
The farm's that-a-wayCopy !req
337. Okay. No, no, wait a minute!Copy !req
338. All right! All right! That was hot!
That was tight, Fat Joe.Copy !req
339. Yo! Now, everybody,
give it up for my man, George!Copy !req
340. DJ, spin that shit!Copy !req
341. Bitch.Copy !req
342. Ho.Copy !req
343. Now everybody in the 2-0-2Copy !req
344. Throw your hands in the air
'Cause Fat Joe is throughCopy !req
345. Now everybody in the 2-0-2
Throw 'em upCopy !req
346. Check it outCopy !req
347. I'm a white boy
But my neck is redCopy !req
348. I put Miracle Whip
On my Wonder BreadCopy !req
349. My face is pale
I've never been in jailCopy !req
350. Me and Buffy spend
Every winter in VailCopy !req
351. How many bitches have I slapped?
ZeroCopy !req
352. And Martha Stewart happens to be my heroCopy !req
353. I grew up on a farm
And I was born with no rhythmCopy !req
354. Dr. Phil's my uncle
And I like to hang with himCopy !req
355. I can't dance
I wear khaki pantsCopy !req
356. My middle name's Lance
My grandma's from FranceCopy !req
357. So maybe I'm wack
'Cause my skin ain't blackCopy !req
358. But you can't talk smack
'Cause whitey just struck backCopy !req
359. That's what I'm talking about, baby!Copy !req
360. - 2-0-2, Fat Joe is through!
- 2-0-2, Fat Joe is through!Copy !req
361. - Give it up for George!
- Yeah!Copy !req
362. That's my boy right there! That's what I'm...Copy !req
363. Oh, shit.Copy !req
364. - George. George. The hood.
- Hell, no!Copy !req
365. - Lose the hood.
- I know. We're in the 'hood now.Copy !req
366. - No, man.
- He's a dead man.Copy !req
367. You guys feeling me? In the 'hood?Copy !req
368. That's it. I'm done.Copy !req
369. Man, you can't give up rap just like that.Copy !req
370. Rap-schmap!Copy !req
371. Look, you still got it! See?Copy !req
372. Thanks for coming over tonight, Cindy.Copy !req
373. I guess I'm just going through a rough time.Copy !req
374. Brenda, you want to tell me
what's really bothering you?Copy !req
375. Well, there's something I need to...
I saw a tape.Copy !req
376. I think you should know about it.Copy !req
377. It had these really shocking images, Cindy.Copy !req
378. Brenda, it was Mardi Gras.Copy !req
379. I never drank vodka before,
and I was out of beads!Copy !req
380. No, not that tape, Cindy.Copy !req
381. Well, I guess it's just an urban legend.Copy !req
382. You watch it,Copy !req
383. and as soon as it's over,
your phone rings and a creepy voice says,Copy !req
384. "You're gonna die in seven days."Copy !req
385. And seven days later...Copy !req
386. When did you watch it?Copy !req
387. A week ago.Copy !req
388. - A week ago tonight.
- Brenda...Copy !req
389. Oh, my God!Copy !req
390. Brenda!Copy !req
391. Brenda! Oh, my God!Copy !req
392. Oh, my God, you bitch!Copy !req
393. Ketchup!Copy !req
394. You should have seen the look on your face!Copy !req
395. You got me!Copy !req
396. Brenda? Brenda?Copy !req
397. Oh, my God! Brenda!Copy !req
398. Brenda!Copy !req
399. - I can't believe you fell for that fake seizure!
- But it seemed so real!Copy !req
400. - It did, didn't it?
- And you peed!Copy !req
401. Yeah! I really sold that shit, didn't I?Copy !req
402. I just love the look on your face
when you are scared.Copy !req
403. Girl, you are too easy.Copy !req
404. I got you with the old fake hand!Copy !req
405. - Girl, you were scared!
- Well, I know!Copy !req
406. - Come on. I was just kidding.
- Well, you've taken it too far, Brenda.Copy !req
407. I'm gonna go get the rest of the popcorn!Copy !req
408. Cindy?Copy !req
409. Forget it. I am not falling for it again.Copy !req
410. Come on.Copy !req
411. Cindy, the news is on!Copy !req
412. Another little white girl
done fell down a well.Copy !req
413. Fifty black people
get their ass beat by police today,Copy !req
414. but the whole world gotta stop
for one little whitey down a hole.Copy !req
415. Cindy!Copy !req
416. The TV's leaking!Copy !req
417. Cindy?Copy !req
418. Cindy, something's wrong here.Copy !req
419. Cindy, this bitch is messing up my floor!Copy !req
420. Cindy, help me!Copy !req
421. I'm not listening.Copy !req
422. Get up, you little ugly bitch.Copy !req
423. Come on. Let me see what you got.Copy !req
424. What you gonna do? That's all?Copy !req
425. I'm whupping her ass, Cindy!Copy !req
426. Yeah! What's up?Copy !req
427. Cindy, please help me! Cindy!Copy !req
428. Okay, hang on a second. Hello?Copy !req
429. Father Muldoon here.
We're getting along famously.Copy !req
430. Thanks again, Father. Bye-bye.Copy !req
431. Brenda?Copy !req
432. Brenda!Copy !req
433. Oh, my God!Copy !req
434. Yes, yes, of course I'll tell her. Thank you.Copy !req
435. Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's dead.Copy !req
436. - I'd better tell her.
- No, no, no. I can do it.Copy !req
437. - Sue?
- Yes?Copy !req
438. - You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
- Yeah?Copy !req
439. She's dead!Copy !req
440. Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death!Copy !req
441. Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!Copy !req
442. My dog's dead?Copy !req
443. I just ran him over with the car
when I drove in!Copy !req
444. Everyone you love around you is dying!Copy !req
445. Hello, Father.Copy !req
446. Don't call me "Father."
I haven't been a clergyman since...Copy !req
447. I'm sorry about that night.Copy !req
448. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving
for that exact 20 minutes,Copy !req
449. if I hadn't drank that
exact whole bottle of Jägermeister,Copy !req
450. if I hadn't raped and mutilated
that exact mulatto hitchhiker...Copy !req
451. - Sayaman...
- ... if I hadn't been caught in thatCopy !req
452. exact motel room
with those exact two boys...Copy !req
453. Sayaman. I don't see
what any of this has to do with Annie.Copy !req
454. I'm sorry. Those were other nights.Copy !req
455. But if it had been that night,Copy !req
456. I might have missed her. That terrible night.Copy !req
457. Hey!Copy !req
458. - It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
- Annie?Copy !req
459. She was hit by a truck
and she's pinned against a tree.Copy !req
460. I don't understand.Copy !req
461. As long as the truck has her pinned,
she'll stay alive.Copy !req
462. I still don't get it.Copy !req
463. This is your wife.Copy !req
464. She broke her wiener?Copy !req
465. Look what happens to the taco.Copy !req
466. Look, I don't understand all this
fancy medical lingo. I wanna see Annie.Copy !req
467. She's split in half.Copy !req
468. You mean, like down-the-middle in half?Copy !req
469. At the waist.Copy !req
470. You mean this is the last time
I can talk to the top half?Copy !req
471. Yes. The truck is the only thing
that is holding her together.Copy !req
472. Let's say this is her bottom half.Copy !req
473. Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?Copy !req
474. I'm not sure what you mean.Copy !req
475. - Let me explain.
- Tom.Copy !req
476. Go to her.Copy !req
477. Tom, I'll need a ride home.Copy !req
478. Hey, baby. How's it going?Copy !req
479. I'm dying, Tom.Copy !req
480. Don't talk like that. The truck barely hit you.Copy !req
481. Honey, kiss me one last time.Copy !req
482. Promise me you'll never remarry.Copy !req
483. I promise.Copy !req
484. And no sex, either.Copy !req
485. I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.Copy !req
486. - No sex.
- Honey, you're not speaking clearly.Copy !req
487. - Your injuries must be awful.
- No sex.Copy !req
488. - Cruel fate to shroud my wife's...
- No sex.Copy !req
489. - ... dying words in mystery.
- No sex.Copy !req
490. - No sex!
- Poor Annie.Copy !req
491. We hardly knew her.
She'll be missed terribly.Copy !req
492. - Jesus.
- That's right, honey, go into the light.Copy !req
493. Look!Copy !req
494. Just tell George, "Swing away."Copy !req
495. Right. Swing away.Copy !req
496. Sure. That you understand.Copy !req
497. Annie? Annie!Copy !req
498. I'm sorry, dude.Copy !req
499. Don't call me dude.
I'm not a stoner anymore, not since...Copy !req
500. Goodbye, Tom.Copy !req
501. I'm so sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Meeks.Copy !req
502. Brenda was a good friendCopy !req
503. when she was alive.Copy !req
504. My sweet, sweet Brenda.
She looks so peaceful.Copy !req
505. If only God had taken us
instead of our daughter.Copy !req
506. And knowing your Brenda like I did,
I'd say she wishes the same thing.Copy !req
507. These just came today.Copy !req
508. Photos from a trip she took.Copy !req
509. - They're blank.
- Turn them around, honey.Copy !req
510. Yes, of course.Copy !req
511. - Who's this?
- That's Ralph.Copy !req
512. He's right over there.Copy !req
513. Cody?Copy !req
514. It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.Copy !req
515. Smoke all you want.
You're gonna get hit by a bus.Copy !req
516. That's not fooling anyone.Copy !req
517. - Cindy.
- George.Copy !req
518. Hey. Sue wanted to pay her respects
to her teacher.Copy !req
519. - You?
- Brenda was my bitch.Copy !req
520. Of course.Copy !req
521. Are you okay?Copy !req
522. It's just the open coffin.Copy !req
523. I can't believe
they just leave it out here like this.Copy !req
524. - George, it's a wake.
- Awake?Copy !req
525. - Brenda! It's a miracle!
- No! George, stop!Copy !req
526. I thought you were dead!Copy !req
527. Sue, your teacher's alive!Copy !req
528. - Hello?
- What did he say?Copy !req
529. I got your back, George! I got your back!Copy !req
530. I'll tell you what!Copy !req
531. Mahalik, she's alive! Brenda!Copy !req
532. - George, stop! She's dead!
- Brenda! No! We won't lose you again!Copy !req
533. Mahalik, help!Copy !req
534. Nothing!Copy !req
535. - She's not breathing!
- No!Copy !req
536. Live, damn it! Live!Copy !req
537. Don't!Copy !req
538. Live, damn it! Live!Copy !req
539. Let me open her windpipe!Copy !req
540. - Charles! Charles, stop them!
- Breathe!Copy !req
541. Someone stop them! What are they doing?Copy !req
542. Get off!Copy !req
543. She's alive! She's alive!Copy !req
544. Wake up! Brenda, Brenda, breathe!Copy !req
545. Clear!Copy !req
546. No!Copy !req
547. I got something! I got something!Copy !req
548. - That's it!
- George!Copy !req
549. That's the last time I try to bring anyone
back from the dead.Copy !req
550. George, don't get down on yourself.
I know you were only trying to help.Copy !req
551. You're a good, caring person,Copy !req
552. which is why I like you.Copy !req
553. Thanks, Cindy,
but I don't wanna screw your life up, too.Copy !req
554. The most caring thing I could do
for everyone right nowCopy !req
555. is to just get out of here.Copy !req
556. George! What about Sue?Copy !req
557. Yes. Of course. Once I get Sue, then...Copy !req
558. Wait!Copy !req
559. I could really use a friend right now.Copy !req
560. Brenda's gone, Cody resents me.Copy !req
561. And I'm caught up in something
I can't even...Copy !req
562. Oh, God, it's so hard!Copy !req
563. Well, you're beautiful
and you're pressing up against me.Copy !req
564. Look, Cindy,Copy !req
565. I know you'd never consider
going out with a guy like me,Copy !req
566. but if you're not too busy tomorrow night...Copy !req
567. - Is that a yes?
- Yes.Copy !req
568. Cindy, did Brenda ever talk to you
about a tape?Copy !req
569. She did mention something.Copy !req
570. Do you mind if I go upstairs
and look around?Copy !req
571. Yes, go. Of course. Go.Copy !req
572. Cody, I'll be right back, okay?Copy !req
573. You're getting laid tonight.
He doesn't know you're a guy.Copy !req
574. Oh, shit.Copy !req
575. Hello?Copy !req
576. What? Willie Mays?Copy !req
577. Who's gay? Hello?Copy !req
578. me now?Copy !req
579. What?Copy !req
580. - Can you hear me now?
- Kind of.Copy !req
581. - Can you hear me now?
- Yes, perfect.Copy !req
582. - Seven days.
- Seven days?Copy !req
583. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?Copy !req
584. Yes. No, wait. Monday.
That would be seven business days.Copy !req
585. - This is seven days starting now.
- So seven days to this very hour?Copy !req
586. My watch broke.
How am I gonna know the exact hour?Copy !req
587. Forget hours.
This day, seven days from now.Copy !req
588. But there's a holiday coming up.
Do you count the holiday as a day?Copy !req
589. Well, that depends. What holiday?Copy !req
590. - Martin Luther King Day.
- Then no.Copy !req
591. Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.Copy !req
592. Jesus Christ, lady.
I'm giving you seven friggin' days.Copy !req
593. I can come over there now and kill
the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.Copy !req
594. George, I don't care what you say, man.Copy !req
595. I'm signing you up for another rap battle.Copy !req
596. Mahalik, I told you.
That part of my life is over.Copy !req
597. I said the same thing
about getting with CJ's sister.Copy !req
598. - But look at me. I'm still hitting that.
- He's still hitting it, man!Copy !req
599. And she fine as shit! That's my sister! What?Copy !req
600. It doesn't matter. I'm done.Copy !req
601. So, what are you gonna do
with the rest of your life, dawg?Copy !req
602. I don't know.Copy !req
603. Yeah, yeah! Come on!Copy !req
604. Maybe my brother was right.
Maybe I should just settle down.Copy !req
605. - What's up, then?
- Mother...Copy !req
606. I got another one, y'all.Copy !req
607. Well, George, man, you can't focus
on that shit, man. Let that go.Copy !req
608. Hey, you gotta try this shit, George.Copy !req
609. - Yo, man, you got to take the lid off!
- What's wrong with you, man?Copy !req
610. - Yes, of course.
- Sorry!Copy !req
611. - Hello?
- George, something terrible has happened.Copy !req
612. I really need your help.Copy !req
613. - Cindy, are you okay? What's going on?
- George! George, you have to help me.Copy !req
614. I just watched this tape,
the same tape that killed Brenda.Copy !req
615. And then the phone rang, and this voice
said that I was gonna die in seven days.Copy !req
616. Cindy, there's no such thing
as a killer videotape.Copy !req
617. Hell, yeah, there is!Copy !req
618. In fact, I know somebody
who can definitely help you with that.Copy !req
619. - You do? Who?
- Wait up, man.Copy !req
620. I heard Jamal from 90th Street,
he watched that tape last week.Copy !req
621. - And this morning he woke up dead.
- No!Copy !req
622. How in the hell do you wake up dead?Copy !req
623. 'Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.Copy !req
624. - Wait. Just tell me who can help me.
- So you telling meCopy !req
625. that you can go to bed dead
and wake up alive?Copy !req
626. You can't go to bed dead!
Man, that shit would be redundant.Copy !req
627. - Just tell me who.
- No, it wouldn't.Copy !req
628. 'Cause you can go to bed and not be dead,Copy !req
629. and you can die but not be in a bed.Copy !req
630. But you are in a bed, man. That's how
you wake up dead in the first place, fool!Copy !req
631. Damn! That's some quantum shit
right there, man!Copy !req
632. - That's what I'm talking about.
- You should be teaching classes!Copy !req
633. - You steady dropping knowledge!
- Just tell me who can help me!Copy !req
634. - Damn!
- My Aunt ShaNeequa.Copy !req
635. Her and her man are into all this weird shit.Copy !req
636. They saw the tape
before anybody else knew about it.Copy !req
637. Matter of fact,
you should go see them tonight.Copy !req
638. - Tonight? Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
639. But who will take care of Cody?Copy !req
640. George, we're gonna have so much fun.Copy !req
641. I have some jigsaw puzzles
and board gamesCopy !req
642. and baseball cards in my room,
and this really cool model airplane.Copy !req
643. - I'm gonna go get it.
- Sure.Copy !req
644. Okay, so I made him a snack,Copy !req
645. and you can give him some warm milk
if he can't go to sleep...Copy !req
646. Don't worry.Copy !req
647. - Everything's gonna be fine.
- Here it is.Copy !req
648. I'm great with kids. Heads up, Cody.Copy !req
649. And in case of emergencies,Copy !req
650. - I left some numbers...
- I'm okay.Copy !req
651. Sorry. You okay, kiddo? That a boy!Copy !req
652. And I guess that's it.Copy !req
653. - Okay, I'm off.
- Right.Copy !req
654. You know, it's funny.
All a child ever really wants is a family.Copy !req
655. Yo.Copy !req
656. - Cody really likes you.
- He's a good kid.Copy !req
657. Yeah.Copy !req
658. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
659. - Hello?
- I know.Copy !req
660. You're Cindy. Be right with you.Copy !req
661. Aunt ShaNeequa?Copy !req
662. Bingo. But you can call me the Oracle.
And don't worry about that vase.Copy !req
663. What vase? Sorry, I didn't know.Copy !req
664. That vase.Copy !req
665. Please, sit.Copy !req
666. It was the chair.Copy !req
667. Yes, the chair.Copy !req
668. I know why you've come.
A great mystery lies ahead of you,Copy !req
669. but you must not shy away
from the challenge.Copy !req
670. Only you can be the one who will...Copy !req
671. - Orpheus?
- What, baby?Copy !req
672. Sweetie?Copy !req
673. I'm watching the game.Copy !req
674. Do you mind?Copy !req
675. The Lakers will win by 12.Copy !req
676. - So can you tell me about...
- The tape?Copy !req
677. - Yes. I watched it, and...
- The phone rang.Copy !req
678. - Right. And then this voice said...
- That you would die in seven days.Copy !req
679. - Okay, that's getting...
- Extremely annoying.Copy !req
680. - Yeah.
- Try being married to her.Copy !req
681. I catch shit about women
I ain't slept with yet.Copy !req
682. You made a copy of the tape. Let's see it.Copy !req
683. Yes, okay.Copy !req
684. ShaNeequa, can you tell me if...Copy !req
685. The tape is connected
to the crop circles and the aliens? Yes.Copy !req
686. But it's up to you
to discover how for yourself.Copy !req
687. - Look, it's a...
- Cigarette?Copy !req
688. I was going to say "lighthouse."Copy !req
689. Find that lighthouse. It's your destiny.Copy !req
690. Wait. What is that?Copy !req
691. Oh, my God.Copy !req
692. There we go.Copy !req
693. Now, baby...Copy !req
694. I knew that was gonna happen.Copy !req
695. Come on.Copy !req
696. Hell, no. Get your ass out the TV!Copy !req
697. What's wrong with you?
I'm gonna teach you not to be...Copy !req
698. - Get out that TV!
- Baby, no! No!Copy !req
699. - No! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go!
- Yeah!Copy !req
700. Come on, we gonna get another lawsuit.
Come on!Copy !req
701. She spit on me. I'll kill the bitch.Copy !req
702. You won. You won. You won. You won.Copy !req
703. - Upstairs. Upstairs.
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
704. - Down low.
- Okay.Copy !req
705. - All right.
- Baby, no!Copy !req
706. - Kill her! Is you crazy? Is you crazy?
- Baby!Copy !req
707. - What you gonna brush now?
- Cool down.Copy !req
708. What you gonna brush now, huh?Copy !req
709. You picked the wrong TV to come out of.Copy !req
710. George? Cody?Copy !req
711. George?Copy !req
712. - What happened?
- I don't know.Copy !req
713. Cody and I were playing a fun game,
and then I looked down and...Copy !req
714. Yahtzee!Copy !req
715. No!Copy !req
716. Oh, my God!Copy !req
717. - How could you let him watch the tape?
- I didn't...Copy !req
718. - Hello?
- It's me.Copy !req
719. - How you doing?
- Fine.Copy !req
720. Enjoying your last week?
I can't wait to see you.Copy !req
721. - Six days now, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
722. Well, it was great catching up,
but can I speak to Cody?Copy !req
723. Why? He didn't watch the tape.Copy !req
724. Yes, he did.
Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.Copy !req
725. Leave us alone!Copy !req
726. - Hello?
- Hello,Copy !req
727. I'm calling from Reader's Digest
with a fantastic offer for Cody.Copy !req
728. No, you're not!
You're that evil little girl from the tape!Copy !req
729. Okay, you got me.
How about I just leave a message for him?Copy !req
730. Fine.Copy !req
731. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that?Copy !req
732. Right. Okay, got it. Bye-bye.Copy !req
733. - I can't believe you let that happen.
- I know. I'm sorry, I screwed up...Copy !req
734. Listen, we can still save him.Copy !req
735. The answer to the tape,
to your crop circles, is at a lighthouse.Copy !req
736. - You think I'm crazy, don't you?
- Of course I do,Copy !req
737. but the last thing you need now
is a screw-up like me.Copy !req
738. - I'm gonna leave for good.
- Wait.Copy !req
739. Well, what should I tell Cody?Copy !req
740. Let him down easy.
Tell him I got called away on business.Copy !req
741. You'll think of something.Copy !req
742. Testicular cancer. He won't ask questions.Copy !req
743. - I knew you'd understand.
- George!Copy !req
744. Just be careful. Something weird
is going on at your farm. I know it.Copy !req
745. I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
746. Sometimes a sheep just needs
to be pushed through the fence.Copy !req
747. - What?
- Goodbye, Cindy.Copy !req
748. Sue?Copy !req
749. I can't sleep.Copy !req
750. Well, it's way past your bedtime.Copy !req
751. Won't you rock me to sleep
in your big, strong arms?Copy !req
752. There's plenty of room under the covers.Copy !req
753. It's a hot night.Copy !req
754. You don't need to wear pajamas.Copy !req
755. Where is my daughter?Copy !req
756. Are you mad? I am your daughter.Copy !req
757. No, you're not!Copy !req
758. Come here!Copy !req
759. - What did you do with Sue?
- I didn't touch her. I swear.Copy !req
760. - I don't believe you!
- Please! For God's sakes, she's a girl!Copy !req
761. You sick...Copy !req
762. Daddy!Copy !req
763. How do you like it, huh? Having fun?Copy !req
764. Tom, are you...Copy !req
765. What in the world?Copy !req
766. Look.Copy !req
767. What is that thing?Copy !req
768. I don't know.Copy !req
769. Maybe Cindy was right.Copy !req
770. Please, sir. All I need is five minutes.Copy !req
771. And I told you, Campbell,
no more paranoid on-air rantsCopy !req
772. about the supernatural.Copy !req
773. I know. This station is about sex,
violence and the weather.Copy !req
774. Yes. That reminds me.Copy !req
775. We're gonna need that "Porn Star
Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story.Copy !req
776. One hour.Copy !req
777. Meanwhile, a tornado in CharlestonCopy !req
778. threatens a clothing-optional beach
where, just yesterday,Copy !req
779. a naked couple was brutally murdered.Copy !req
780. - This just five miles from the spot...
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
781. where the last naked couple
was brutally murdered.Copy !req
782. Turning now to sports.Copy !req
783. And an evil videotape that kills anyone
who watches it in seven days.Copy !req
784. It's true. We're all in danger.Copy !req
785. - There's an alien force out there...
- Oh, no.Copy !req
786. that's trying to prevent you
from knowing the truth.Copy !req
787. - Campbell, are you insane?
- Trust me, it's a horrible fate.Copy !req
788. - Carson, I have to do this.
- Do you hear me?Copy !req
789. Correction, there really is no danger.Copy !req
790. Actually, I didn't really mean
anything I just said.Copy !req
791. Yes, I did. Every word of it.Copy !req
792. Everyone watching this
could be dead in a week.Copy !req
793. 1-3-4-19...Copy !req
794. 4-6-9...Copy !req
795. I been cleaning after this
dumb-ass cracker, Giggins, for 10 years.Copy !req
796. But I been waxing his bitch's ass for 12.Copy !req
797. Know what I'm saying, nigger?Copy !req
798. I ride that ho like your mama rides the bus.Copy !req
799. She likes her some chocolate.Copy !req
800. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outty.Copy !req
801. Peace.Copy !req
802. An evil videotape
that kills people in seven days?Copy !req
803. Alien forces threatening the world?Copy !req
804. And who in the hell is this Cindy Campbell?Copy !req
805. If what she says is true,
we're facing an unprecedented crisis.Copy !req
806. - Get me the President.
- You are the President.Copy !req
807. Good. Then I already know about this.
Let's order lunch.Copy !req
808. Sir, I think you need to go on TVCopy !req
809. and convince the people
that there is no such thing as a UFO.Copy !req
810. Don't spell in front of me, damn it.Copy !req
811. Aliens, sir. There's no such thing as aliens.Copy !req
812. - That's not quite true.
- Sir?Copy !req
813. A year ago, a UFO crash-landed
in New Mexico.Copy !req
814. - A body may have been recovered.
- "May have been"?Copy !req
815. Well, there was a terrible mix-up.Copy !req
816. It was Thanksgiving.
The body was sent down to the kitchen.Copy !req
817. They shoved stuffing up its ass,
and we ate it at a state dinner.Copy !req
818. That's the last I saw of it.Copy !req
819. No, scratch that. There were
some sandwiches made the next day.Copy !req
820. - Mr. President! Listen to me carefully.
- Agent Thompson!Copy !req
821. Back away from that window!Copy !req
822. What? Did I forget
to put my pants on again?Copy !req
823. No, sir. It's just a feeling I've been
having since the news about the aliens.Copy !req
824. - Something's not right.
- I know what you mean.Copy !req
825. Like that feeling
that something's not right.Copy !req
826. What is it?Copy !req
827. Some old Tupac, sir.Copy !req
828. All Eyez on Me. Hey, this shit is banging.Copy !req
829. Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.Copy !req
830. Hello, Cindy.Copy !req
831. I am the Architect.
You have many questions.Copy !req
832. I've been watching you for a very long time.Copy !req
833. So I see.Copy !req
834. But what is the connection between
the crop circles and the videotape?Copy !req
835. The answer is simple.
You are the eventuality of an anomaly.Copy !req
836. You are inexorably seeking
a sedulant probability.Copy !req
837. - "Sedulant"?
- Grotesquery? No?Copy !req
838. What about "contingent affirmation"?
That's got to mean something.Copy !req
839. Hey! Hey! You put cameras in my bathroom?Copy !req
840. I can't... What is this?Copy !req
841. Oh, my God. Well, it was a long winter. I...Copy !req
842. - This is an invasion of...
- Sorry.Copy !req
843. I can't help it. It's very lonely in here.Copy !req
844. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone
in a very long time,Copy !req
845. not counting myself, or this chair.Copy !req
846. I call her... Linda.Copy !req
847. Could you just cut to the chase?
I'm kind of in a rush.Copy !req
848. Why? You can always
sleep over if you want.Copy !req
849. Linda's built for two, and she vibrates.Copy !req
850. Stop it! Just tell me what I need to know!
Who is that little girl?Copy !req
851. Okay, okay!Copy !req
852. My wife and I wanted a child,
but she couldn't get pregnant.Copy !req
853. - Neither could I.
- So you adopted?Copy !req
854. We loved our daughter, but she was evil.Copy !req
855. Made the horses crazy, killed our puppies,
hid the remote, really sick shit.Copy !req
856. My wife took her to the old family farm
and drowned her in the well.Copy !req
857. I felt a simple time-out
would've been sufficient.Copy !req
858. But Tabitha imprinted her evil
on a videotape.Copy !req
859. - I never meant for it to get out, but...
- But what?Copy !req
860. I put it in the wrong box
and returned it to Blockbuster,Copy !req
861. instead of my copy of Pootie Tang.Copy !req
862. And it's been circulating
and killing ever since.Copy !req
863. Just like Pootie Tang.Copy !req
864. - But what does this have to do with aliens?
- I don't know.Copy !req
865. Perhaps Tabitha's summoning them
to kill us all.Copy !req
866. An alien invasion? I have to warn the world.Copy !req
867. It's already begun. You're too late.Copy !req
868. Oh, my God.Copy !req
869. But not too late to make an old man happy.Copy !req
870. What? What?Copy !req
871. And now, reports of lights in the sky.Copy !req
872. Glimpses of spacecraft.Copy !req
873. Possible alien sightings
being reported all over the world.Copy !req
874. Are they aliens?Copy !req
875. The first video images are coming in.Copy !req
876. Disturbing home video tonight
from a ranch outside Sydney, Australia.Copy !req
877. Watch very carefully now.Copy !req
878. There. There it is. Let's see that again.Copy !req
879. Very, very disturbing.Copy !req
880. And this just in from São Paulo, Brazil.Copy !req
881. Let's see that again.Copy !req
882. Very, very disturbing.Copy !req
883. And this just in from south Texas.Copy !req
884. Do they pose a threat?
Only one thing's for certain.Copy !req
885. We are all going to be killed.Copy !req
886. We have to board up the house.Copy !req
887. Are you sure this is necessary, Wilson?Copy !req
888. Having an awards ceremony
at a time like this?Copy !req
889. Yes, sir.
Everything must appear business as usual.Copy !req
890. The nation, while not yet panicked,
is deeply disturbed.Copy !req
891. Right. Good, let's see
if we can steer that course,Copy !req
892. keeping everybody deeply disturbed.
We don't want a panic.Copy !req
893. Very few presidents
have faced a crisis like this.Copy !req
894. I wonder what President Ford
would've done.Copy !req
895. Well, if the buck stops here,
the buck stops here.Copy !req
896. Thank you, all,
and welcome to the White House.Copy !req
897. The Mother Teresa Awards recognize thoseCopy !req
898. who have overcome the severest
handicaps and disadvantagesCopy !req
899. to help others in their communities.Copy !req
900. The young, the old, black and white.Copy !req
901. Our Native-American friends.
Hey, how are you?Copy !req
902. Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you?
Hey, how are you?Copy !req
903. Well, it is therefore my honorCopy !req
904. to present each and every one
of you with this symbol of merit.Copy !req
905. The room is secure, Mr. President.Copy !req
906. - Or is it?
- Sir?Copy !req
907. I've been thinking, Thompson.Copy !req
908. What if the aliens could
take over human bodies?Copy !req
909. They'd look just like us, or almost.Copy !req
910. I never thought of that, sir.Copy !req
911. We should be on alert
for anything suspicious.Copy !req
912. - They could be anywhere, even...
- Right here.Copy !req
913. My God. We'd never see the attack coming.Copy !req
914. - It's frightening, sir!
- Don't panic.Copy !req
915. We'll just move slowly toward the exit.Copy !req
916. At last we meet, Mr. President.Copy !req
917. It's happening. I knew it!
You'll never take me alive!Copy !req
918. She's scrambling my brain!Copy !req
919. I'll get her!Copy !req
920. No, you don't! Not on my watch!Copy !req
921. Good work, sir!Copy !req
922. Good God! The small ones have metal teeth!Copy !req
923. Jerry's Kids, my ass!Copy !req
924. Mr. President! Mr. President,
have you gone completely insane?Copy !req
925. Like a fox.Copy !req
926. We gotta talk to the one person
who saw this coming, Cindy Campbell.Copy !req
927. She knows how to defeat the aliens,
these filthy, rotten scum!Copy !req
928. You hideous creature! Get off my planet!Copy !req
929. No!Copy !req
930. - Mr. President, is everything all right?
- The exits are all blocked.Copy !req
931. I'll find one, sir.Copy !req
932. Everybody, clear!Copy !req
933. This way, sir! God, this is exciting!Copy !req
934. You're excited? You should feel my nipples.Copy !req
935. Cody? Cody?Copy !req
936. Cody, where are you? Honey?Copy !req
937. After today's incident in the East Room,Copy !req
938. the White House is now advising all citizensCopy !req
939. to board up their homes
and prepare for an alien invasion.Copy !req
940. Oh, no.Copy !req
941. And now, a News 8 exclusive,Copy !req
942. the killer videotape
you've been hearing about.Copy !req
943. - No...
- We're the only station that has it,Copy !req
944. and we're showing it all night. Very exciting.
Let's roll it again.Copy !req
945. There. Nobody's getting through
that sucker.Copy !req
946. That's great, George,
but we have to get down to the cellar.Copy !req
947. - George.
- Cindy.Copy !req
948. There's no time. Get down to the cellar.Copy !req
949. - Cody! Thank God!
- Aunt Cindy!Copy !req
950. - I've been worried sick about you.
- He just showed up about an hour ago.Copy !req
951. - I tried to call.
- No, he didn't.Copy !req
952. - Okay, but I was gonna.
- No, he wasn't.Copy !req
953. Look, Cody, the point is
you can't just run away like that.Copy !req
954. I wanted to be with George.Copy !req
955. Honey, I know you want a dad, but...Copy !req
956. Trust me, Cody, I'm not good at anything.
Why would I be good at that?Copy !req
957. Uncle George!Copy !req
958. It's gonna be okay, Cody.Copy !req
959. I'm going to die, aren't I?Copy !req
960. Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom
said about you the day you were born?Copy !req
961. No.Copy !req
962. I was in the delivery room with her.
She was having a hard time.Copy !req
963. Then you began to come out of her.Copy !req
964. And your mom screamed
and screamed in pain.Copy !req
965. She yelled, "Just kill me.
Bludgeon me with a bedpan.Copy !req
966. "Whatever you do, put me out of this pain."Copy !req
967. She was gushing torrents of blood.Copy !req
968. I have this all on tape
if you wanna see it someday.Copy !req
969. Well, finally you came out.Copy !req
970. Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself.Copy !req
971. Well, on the second try.Copy !req
972. The first time,
she snipped your penis in half.Copy !req
973. After all, she was drunk. Actually, drugged.Copy !req
974. We'd been out the night before,
celebrating Saint Patrick's Day,Copy !req
975. and she thought,
"Hey, I never tasted crystal meth."Copy !req
976. So she did just a little.Copy !req
977. - My penis?
- Yes.Copy !req
978. They sewed it on upside-down.Copy !req
979. - So that's why I pee up?
- Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey.Copy !req
980. It's on my list of things.
Right after we get TiVo.Copy !req
981. Anyway, there you were.Copy !req
982. And your mom turned to me, and she said
"Hey, you want him? Take him."Copy !req
983. Then she died. And I took you.
Do you know why?Copy !req
984. I had just lost my cat in a fire,
and I needed something to pet and feed.Copy !req
985. And I miss that cat, Cody.Copy !req
986. But I love you,
and nothing's ever gonna change that,Copy !req
987. not even the very painful death
we're about to experience.Copy !req
988. George! George.Copy !req
989. - Are they gone?
- I don't hear anything.Copy !req
990. - Don't worry, Sue. It'll be all right.
- It was Uncle George.Copy !req
991. Well, it's scary.Copy !req
992. Good work, Sue.Copy !req
993. I don't know what stupid, idiotic thing
made these lights go off.Copy !req
994. All right, there's some spare fuses
in the crawlspace.Copy !req
995. If I can get to them,
I can get these lights back on.Copy !req
996. Quick, George, grab that railroad tie.Copy !req
997. Jam it against the door.Copy !req
998. My balls!Copy !req
999. Not those! Jesus!Copy !req
1000. No!Copy !req
1001. Uncle George! I'm scared!Copy !req
1002. Sweetie, come here. It's okay.Copy !req
1003. There's something
on the other side of the door.Copy !req
1004. I can't see anything.Copy !req
1005. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1006. Can you see them? What are they doing?Copy !req
1007. They're horrible.
They're grayish with big black eyes.Copy !req
1008. Their teeth are grotesque.Copy !req
1009. - I think they're giggling.
- What?Copy !req
1010. Oh, no.Copy !req
1011. Oh, no, I think...Copy !req
1012. I think they wanna eat me.Copy !req
1013. - Help!
- Cody! Oh, my God!Copy !req
1014. George. Swing away, George.Copy !req
1015. - I'm coming, Cody. I'll save you.
- Aunt Cindy, help!Copy !req
1016. Die!Copy !req
1017. Die! You damn aliens, let him go!Copy !req
1018. You're not getting in here!Copy !req
1019. - What else you got? Bring it!
- George...Copy !req
1020. There! Had enough?Copy !req
1021. Forget it, Cody. Thank me later.Copy !req
1022. Cody. Thank God. Come on.Copy !req
1023. - Daddy! Daddy!
- Sue!Copy !req
1024. Mahalik, what are you doing here?Copy !req
1025. Hey, man, I told you the 'hood's
always got your back.Copy !req
1026. Thank God. There's two of them at the door.Copy !req
1027. - What?
- They're gone.Copy !req
1028. Good. They couldn't get in.
I hear they can't open doors.Copy !req
1029. They mastered space flight, but they
can't get through a wooden door?Copy !req
1030. Look, the cellar's the safest place.Copy !req
1031. I say all the women and children stay here.Copy !req
1032. All right, and the men,
we go outside and fight.Copy !req
1033. Right. And what's
the cut-off age for children?Copy !req
1034. Come on, come on.Copy !req
1035. Follow me.Copy !req
1036. I'm sorry. I thought I was hitting the brake.Copy !req
1037. Now, we don't have to go
through insurance, do we?Copy !req
1038. Mr. President, what are you doing here?Copy !req
1039. I'm looking for Cindy Campbell.Copy !req
1040. She may hold the key
to defeating the aliens.Copy !req
1041. Good. The Air Force is here
with those new round planes.Copy !req
1042. We don't have round planes, sir.Copy !req
1043. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1044. Wait. Do you hear that?Copy !req
1045. - Yo, what's up, George?
- CJ!Copy !req
1046. I told you, the 'hood always got your back.Copy !req
1047. And I got the boys with me.
Get out the car, man.Copy !req
1048. - Yo, who we gonna shoot?
- Y'all ready to go step?Copy !req
1049. Well, let's go do this,
'cause I'm hyped right now, B!Copy !req
1050. - I'm real hyped!
- You stepped on my shoe, bitch!Copy !req
1051. Call me another bitch again,
and I'll park your truck dead in your ass.Copy !req
1052. - Calm down, man.
- Damn, homey!Copy !req
1053. - In the cornfield.
- They're coming!Copy !req
1054. Hey, look, don't even worry about that.Copy !req
1055. Me and my boys here, we gonna
go ahead and take care of this.Copy !req
1056. Hey, yo, come on, let's start it!Copy !req
1057. If I was you, son, I'd bust this shit right now.Copy !req
1058. - Your mama!
- I got your number, too, homey.Copy !req
1059. Hey! We over here, y'all!Copy !req
1060. He ain't gonna bust nothing.
I got nuts bigger than him, ya heard?Copy !req
1061. Percival, you country-ass,
maple-syrup nigger.Copy !req
1062. Y'all want some biscuits?
You want some biscuits?Copy !req
1063. Get down! Get down!Copy !req
1064. I can't believe what I just saw.Copy !req
1065. These men died for their country.
Send flowers to their bitches and hos.Copy !req
1066. I can't break free!Copy !req
1067. Think! They must have
some kind of weakness.Copy !req
1068. I found it!Copy !req
1069. - Without their heads, they're powerless!
- Please, no. We mean you no harm.Copy !req
1070. We traveled to your planet
to find an evil little girl.Copy !req
1071. We must destroy her before seven days.Copy !req
1072. You mean you watched the videotape?Copy !req
1073. Our satellite picked up
what we thought was Pootie Tang.Copy !req
1074. That was a week ago.Copy !req
1075. And now our entire race will die
unless the girl is destroyed.Copy !req
1076. - See? They are peaceful.
- Well, if they're so peaceful, man,Copy !req
1077. why were they choking us
a few minutes ago?Copy !req
1078. That's how we say hello.Copy !req
1079. Hello! Nice to see you.Copy !req
1080. - Hello, hello.
- Hello, hello.Copy !req
1081. Well, how do you guys say goodbye?Copy !req
1082. I had to ask.Copy !req
1083. If you think that's strange,
you should see how we pee.Copy !req
1084. So we're not so different after all.Copy !req
1085. There's something about this place.
It's like I've seen it before.Copy !req
1086. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1087. This used to be their farm.
She died right here.Copy !req
1088. There's something down there.Copy !req
1089. - Push back. Follow through.
- Hey.Copy !req
1090. - Follow through.
- Yeah. You got it.Copy !req
1091. Just look at this.
Human beings and aliens working together.Copy !req
1092. We're all just one big galactic family.Copy !req
1093. Family. That's just what
I've been running away from.Copy !req
1094. Well, that's because you're an idiot.Copy !req
1095. This is it.Copy !req
1096. My wife took her to the old family farm
and drowned her in the well.Copy !req
1097. The little girl. She's frightened of the well.Copy !req
1098. Cindy!Copy !req
1099. Time to go back down the well, bitch.Copy !req
1100. - Cindy!
- No. Don't hurt him!Copy !req
1101. Cindy, you have to come outside.
The aliens aren't invading...Copy !req
1102. Don't worry, Cody. I'll save you.Copy !req
1103. Wait! Wait. Don't do this.Copy !req
1104. You don't have to be evil.Copy !req
1105. I know what happened to you, Tabitha.Copy !req
1106. I know what your mom did. That was wrong.Copy !req
1107. You were just a little girl.
And you're still that little girl,Copy !req
1108. just a lot more corpsy
and with really bad teeth.Copy !req
1109. But maybe all you need is a mother.Copy !req
1110. And a father.Copy !req
1111. - We could be...
- A family.Copy !req
1112. Thank you all.Copy !req
1113. Your love has broken the curse
and freed my soul.Copy !req
1114. - I'll never have to kill again.
- Really?Copy !req
1115. Nah! I'm just screwing with you!Copy !req
1116. I just want to tell you both good luck.
We're all counting on you.Copy !req
1117. Now it's over.Copy !req
1118. No, no, it's okay. He's our friend.Copy !req
1119. Thank you for saving our species.
Now we must return to our home planet.Copy !req
1120. Goodbye, then.Copy !req
1121. Goodbye.Copy !req
1122. Hey, congratulations, George!Copy !req
1123. You know the 'hood always got your back.Copy !req
1124. Yeah, yeah! Come on!Copy !req
1125. - Bye!
- Thank you.Copy !req
1126. George, I'm so happy. Finally we're a family.Copy !req
1127. Yeah. You, me, and...Copy !req
1128. - Damn!
- Damn!Copy !req
1129. Cindy! George! Wait!Copy !req