Scary Movie (2026)

1. Fuego del Culo.

2. Girl, if it itches, it's crabs.

3. Hey, girl. You want some brown liquor?

4. Brown liquor don't make this pussy pop.

5. Tequila it is.

6. Here you go. Mm.

7. ¡Viva la revolución!

8. Now, that shit right there make

9. my pussy pop on a handstand!

10. So, what are you doing here anyway?

11. What do you think I'm doing here?

12. I'm starring in the opening scene.

13. Been there, done that.

14. Pick up the phone! Pick up the pho—

15. Richie? Teyana. Hi.

16. I thought it'd be easier for the audience

17. if they didn't have to read more texts.

18. Yeah, that makes sense. 'Cause you know these motherfuckers can't read.

19. I know who goes to see a Wayans Brothers movie.

20. Well, it's nice to phone-meet you

21. in this super awkward way.

22. Likewise. But I got to be honest.

23. When I seen your profile pic, a bitch almost swiped left

24. because you look mad goofy.

25. But surprisingly,

26. you know them goofy niggas got big dicks, so here we are.

27. I take you for a Jersey girl.

28. A Jersey girl?

29. Listen, I love Jersey down.

30. But I'm a Harlem girl. Born and motherfucking raised.

31. Real niggas only. Yeah.

32. Oh, so you're Black.

33. No, motherfucker!

34. I'm BLACK!

35. All caps.

36. No cap, but caps.

37. Fuck all y'all!

38. Bitch, spit them pearls back out.

39. I ain't want your shit.

40. Hello. So tell me,

41. what's your favorite scary movie?

42. Mm... I don't really do them, you know.

43. All the stupid tropes and shit.

44. Why is it always the white bitch at the end?

45. Because they know it is too hard to kill a sista.

46. Y'know what I'm sayin'? Cause if the sista can survive

47. government cheese, we can survive anything.

48. You know, it might help if you met me outside.

49. Met you outside? Boy, you is needy!

50. What's your sign? You must be a Scorpio.

51. How'd you know?

52. Good dick though. But toxic as hell.

53. Hey, is the restaurant near an alley?

54. Yes, hurry before they rob your ass.

55. Roses? Ah! Not today.

56. Cheap bitch. Heard you, ho.

57. Okay, I'm— I'm coming down the alley now.

58. I'm here. Can you see me? I'm waving.

59. No.

60. The person I'm looking at is not waving.

61. In fact, they're just staring at me.

62. Well, stare at his ass back!

63. And don't blink. Never blink.

64. You got to scrunch your lips and be like, "What?"

65. No, they're walking towards me now.

66. Hold on. Oh no, they have a knife!

67. Well, don't lead his ass over here.

68. And that's not the worst part.

69. The worst part is you know so much

70. about horror movies and yet you still

71. walked into the alley alone.

72. Yeah, well the worst part is,

73. you fucking with a New York bitch. Cuckoo!

74. Yeah!

75. Cuckoo, cuckoo!

76. Cuckoo!

77. Damn! She's on some Avengers shit!

78. Seriously, Larry?

79. I ain't recognize your bird call.

80. Thought you was going more with a—

81. That's a pigeon, nigga! Supposed to be, "Cuckoo!"

82. Cuckoo! A hawk swooping in an attack!

83. My bad.

84. Are you done?

85. What the hell?

86. Bitch, I'm Teyana Taylor. My abs got abs.

87. Get him!

88. Ow! My arm! My arm!

89. Get in there!

90. Come on, guys, we can work this out.

91. Somebody help me!

92. Do it, Larry!

93. No, no, no—

94. Hi-yah!

95. Ow! Oh, God!

96. All right, all right, all right, all right!

97. We out. Get your hardheaded ass on.

98. Welcome to New York, sucker!

99. Hey, Teyana.

100. You might have kicked my ass,

101. but you still didn't win that Oscar.

102. What you say about my Oscar?

103. Did I stutter? You lost!

104. You right.

105. But I won that Golden Globe, bitch.

106. Oh, my God! Really?

107. That's why I never watched Horror Movie.

108. It's fucking terrible.

109. Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.

110. So, you don't like parodies?

111. I'm more into Judd Apatow films.

112. You know, elevated comedy.

113. And what is elevated comedy?

114. Mm.

115. The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh,

116. but makes white people feel smart.

117. Tuesday, don't answer that!

118. It could be Ghostface.

119. Oh, come on, Elle!

120. Stuff like that only happens in the movies.

121. Oh, hey.

122. I wasn't expecting you to answer the door.

123. What the fuck? Now where is my knife?

124. Ah, here it is.

125. Hello, Tuesday.

126. Hey, miss.

127. What'd you take?

128. Just Ritalin for my ADHD.

129. Adderall for PTSD.

130. A couple of Xanax for my anxiety.

131. And your boner pills.

132. So good luck getting it up now.

133. Jesus, Sara, how many did you take? Do you want to touch it, baby?

134. Yes, but no. Okay. Come on. You know you want it.

135. Take it. Take it like a good boy. Okay. Maybe just a little bit.

136. That feels really interesting.

137. I'm about to bust a nut. Wow.

138. Hey, Jess. Sara,

139. Tuesday's in the hospital.

140. She was stabbed. By a killer— you know, Ghostface.

141. Wait. From Wu-Tang?

142. Why would Ghostface Killah aka Pretty Toney

143. aka Starky Love want to stab my sister?

144. God, Sara, it wasn't Ghostface Killah.

145. It was somebody in a Ghostface mask.

146. Oh!

147. Okay, that makes more sense.

148. Hah!

149. I ain't the one!

150. Oh!

151. Jesus, Jack!

152. What?

153. I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.

154. My estranged flat-chested half-sister

155. was nearly killed by a psycho in a ghost mask.

156. I got to go see her and make up for the past.

157. Whoa— Hey, hey, hey.

158. I'm going with you.

159. Not because I'm the obvious killer

160. trying to lure you back to your hometown.

161. I'm just the supportive boyfriend.

162. Yeah. That's all.

163. Okay, let's go. Get in the car.

164. Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.

165. I survived.

166. All thanks to my lucky penny.

167. I hate when y'all leave! Come give me a hug.

168. Ma, come on, turn off this ratchet-ass music.

169. It's embarrassing, especially for Black women.

170. It's not embarrassing.

171. I'm the cool ma everybody wish they had.

172. I'm lit! Don't forget,

173. I got practice later so I'll be home late.

174. You only made the team because you're Black

175. and those racist fucks assumed you could play.

176. Mm. It's 2026.

177. I don't think race is an issue.

178. Do you read Black Twitter?

179. No.

180. Ugh, Brad,

181. are you still dating that ho?

182. Okay.

183. Stop ho-shaming her, heiffa.

184. Just because Darrel and them

185. ran a train on her doesn't make her a ho.

186. She's not a "ho", she's "sex positive".

187. Well, I'm positive she is a ho.

188. Hey, girl! Look at you!

189. Early for Halloween, huh?

190. What you this year? Slutty schoolgirl?

191. Ho-ey ho?

192. Hi, Ms. Meeks.

193. Love the hair. Very...

194. Octavia Spencer.

195. Well, thank you very much.

196. I got to invite you over

197. and make you a little shit pie. Ooh.

198. You know what? I got to get to African American History class.

199. We're learning about slavery.

200. Come to find out, it was a choice.

201. You see that right there?

202. That's Kanye? That's right.

203. They've been teaching us wrong all this time.

204. Mm-hmm. Stay Black!

205. Bye, Ma. All right. Bye, baby.

206. Bye, Ms. Meeks. Bye.

207. Son, I put some condoms in your bag!

208. You know how they try to trap y'all.

209. Ma!

210. Okay, seriously, "Sheriff Greg",

211. you don't have to walk me to class. I'm fine.

212. Jess, there's a serial killer on the loose.

213. I'm not gonna let anything happen to my baby girl.

214. Boy! Okay? I'm a baby boy!

215. I'm sorry!

216. I'm having a hard time with this transition.

217. Okay, it's really simple. Treat me like one of the guys.

218. Okay?

219. All right. I-I can do that. Yeah.

220. - Slap fight. - Oh.

221. You call that a slap?

222. Whew.

223. What the hell did you do that for?

224. Don't act like such a bitch.

225. Bitch.

226. Yeah, not bad.

227. Who the hell lives like this?

228. Oh, honey, it is so good to see you!

229. Come in! Do you want some tea?

230. Oh, my God, Mother. You look like shit!

231. Babe, please.

232. This is clearly a woman who's run out of conditioner.

233. Oh, be careful where you walk. The whole place

234. is booby-trapped.

235. You never know when that psycho's gonna come back.

236. Come in.

237. Okay.

238. I hate this job.

239. Mrs. Campbell,

240. I'm Jack, Sara's boyfriend.

241. I've heard so much about you...

242. Uh, none of it good.

243. I have heard nothing about you, Jack.

244. I assume you're a piece of shit.

245. But how would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter

246. in, what, six months?

247. Six years, Mother.

248. And whose fault is that?

249. "And whose fault is that?" I don't know, maybe it's yours!

250. That's fair.

251. We want to learn from the horror you survived.

252. Look...

253. Scary Movie 3 and 4

254. paid me a lot of money for a girl—

255. There is nothing to learn there.

256. But if you want to talk about The House Bunny, shoot.

257. It's happening again!

258. Some asshole in a mask. We have to stop him.

259. You're not ready, lovebug.

260. I have been preparing for this for years.

261. Sacrificed everything.

262. You were a terrible mother. Come on, honey

263. we had some good times.

264. Like that Christmas I took you to meet Santa at the mall.

265. Move!

266. Hi, Santa.

267. Sorry if I don't sit in your lap.

268. You creep me out.

269. Mom?

270. Santa gave me a severed arm!

271. Be sure to thank him.

272. Is that a foot?

273. Ew, that's gross.

274. What the fuck?

275. I am sorry

276. if that's how you found out Santa doesn't exist.

277. Ugh, Mother, I need your help!

278. To heal our emotional wounds and put the past behind us?

279. Oh, God, no.

280. No, to kill Ghostface!

281. Do you have any guns?

282. I am Cindy fucking Campbell.

283. I've got millions of guns!

284. But, um,

285. none of them are registered

286. due to my mental health issues.

287. So, if you could just keep that on the low—

288. - Okay. - Oh!

289. Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

290. I didn't hurt myself on any of these spikes.

291. Oh, hey, so I spoke to Sara earlier.

292. Oh, is she coming? You know,

293. I did hear a buzzing sound.

294. So it's possible. No.

295. I meant to Woodsville, dumb-ass. Oh. Yeah, I forgot to ask.

296. Hey, Jimbo! Go deep!

297. Yeah, yeah! Throw it, throw it!

298. Oh!

299. Sweet!

300. Speaking of going deep...

301. Uh, I don't know if it's a good time.

302. Everyone knows what happens to teenagers

303. who try to make love when there's a killer on the loose.

304. Brad's right about one thing, guys.

305. Okay, Ghostface is back. We need to arm up.

306. Pepper spray, check.

307. Taser, check.

308. Butt plug,

309. double check.

310. Goddamn!

311. You just carry that thing around?

312. It's easy to hide.

313. In your butt.

314. I'm impressed.

315. What's up, y'all? I'm back!

316. Shit, son!

317. Hey, what's up, Unc? "Unc"?

318. I'm tired of you little Gen Z Alpha niggas

319. using terms like "unc" and "auntie".

320. Gaslighting and glazing and glamping,

321. trying to make my generation sound old.

322. I ain't your damn unc, nigga!

323. Shorty, you're our mother's brother, so, yeah,

324. technically, you are our uncle.

325. Oh. My bad.

326. Crazy that they let you teach here.

327. Teach? Nah, nigga.

328. I attend.

329. You looking at a proud 25th-year senior.

330. As a matter of fact, nigga, you were in my Sex Ed class.

331. Boy, you're really smart.

332. You know a lot about penises.

333. You should be like, like a veterinarian,

334. but for dick.

335. When are you finally gonna graduate?

336. By the time we do a sequel and I got to follow you little young niggas

337. to college to get my check.

338. Wait, guys. Tuesday's awake!

339. All right! Tuesday! Who the fuck is Tuesday?

340. Hey, we gotta go to the hospital.

341. You gonna take the bus home? No. The PJ.

342. Private jet?

343. Yeah. Jealous?

344. Man, you smoke weed all day.

345. Just play video games, you live-stream.

346. You literally got money doing nothing.

347. Exactly. I leave the hard work for the old heads.

348. Shit, son!

349. Still the same Shorty. Aight.

350. Check my crypto, nigga.

351. Aw, shit, I'm up three million dollars!

352. Damn, now I'm down five million.

353. This shit crazy, son.

354. Ray!

355. Sister Brenda, it's okay.

356. You heard the call of sin, yes, you did.

357. But the Lord has called on us

358. to show men such like you the way.

359. Come on, son! Come with us.

360. Come on us.

361. God see you coming. So don't cheat that come.

362. We need you to come like you never came before.

363. Come for the Father, come for the Son.

364. I'ma hold your hand and we gonna come together.

365. - God is good, man! - Yes, sir.

366. Thank you, Jesus.

367. Amen.

368. Hallelujah.

369. There you go.

370. In the name of God, let it go, Ray! Let it go!

371. Nigga!

372. Oh, my bad.

373. Last time.

374. Let's welcome a new member to our congre-gay-tion.

375. Let the people know

376. how you feel, brother. There you go.

377. I'm not gay no more.

378. Hallelujah!

379. Yes, sir!

380. I'm not gay no more!

381. Praise the lord!

382. I'm not gay no more!

383. He not gay no more.

384. I've been delivered!

385. I'll no longer date a mans!

386. Even if he's sexy as hell

387. with a big old chesteses and perky areolas!

388. Oh, yeah, you still got a secret.

389. I'll no longer carry a purse, put on makeup,

390. walk around in high heels.

391. What?

392. Red bottoms. The one with the cute little buckle

393. on the side. Those is my shoes.

394. I'll no longer go on Grindr and swipe right

395. at Black mens... Hmm?

396. white mens, Asian mens.

397. You been on Grindr? I'll no longer take trips

398. to the Philippines looking for ladyboys.

399. To Phuket. Ko Samui. Back to Phuket.

400. Then to Vietnam to see if I can get them any cheaper.

401. I thought that was for our anniversary, Ray.

402. Oh, this nigga got a lot of miles.

403. I'll no longer stand butt naked in a mirror

404. with my penis tucked between my legs...

405. dancing like the dude from Silence of the Lambs.

406. "It puts the lotion in the basket, Precious."

407. I'm a changed man! I've been delivered!

408. Shit. I will!

409. I said I will!

410. I will love a woman!

411. Womans, womans, womans!

412. You can take that "W-O" off.

413. Womans, womans, womans!

414. Mens-es, mens-es, mens-es.

415. Womans—

416. No, no. No, no, Ray. No, no.

417. Gulp, gulp, gulp.

418. Whoa, nigga.

419. Hawk tuah, hawk tuah, hawk tuah!

420. You hocking on it?

421. I've been delivered!

422. Tuesday, Tuesday.

423. Oh, my God.

424. Her face. All contorted.

425. Oh, my God, and the moaning.

426. I've been trying to get that out for an hour.

427. How you feeling, Tues?

428. Hey, what are they giving you for the pain? Is that—

429. Is that morphine or...?

430. Bitch. Let's see.

431. Oh, yeah!

432. Oh, this that good, good.

433. This that Britney Spears shit.

434. Makes me want to get half-naked,

435. dance around and juggle some knives.

436. Sara, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer look-a-like?

437. Oh. This is my boyfriend, Jack.

438. Really nice to meet you.

439. Looks like Ted Bundy to me.

440. But that ain't none of my business.

441. Mm-hmm. Mm!

442. This little stabbed-up bitch here needs some rest.

443. So y'all get the fuck out!

444. Yes, ma'am.

445. Oh, not you, Sara.

446. Why? What did I do?

447. I'm so scared.

448. Oh, Tues, you should be.

449. You've been stabbed nine times.

450. And the killer knows where you live.

451. I would invite you to come stay at my place, but

452. I don't really want that kind of juju in my house.

453. For all we know,

454. he's standing right outside that door.

455. That's comforting, Sara.

456. I thought I was gonna die.

457. I know, me too!

458. I planned your funeral.

459. What the hell? And I wrote your obituary.

460. More like ChatGPT wrote it.

461. But you're still here.

462. And I will never let anyone hurt you.

463. Oh, yum! Ice chips!

464. Oh, God!

465. Get off me!

466. Help!

467. This white girl can't die on my shift!

468. I'm a DEI hire!

469. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She was fine a second ago.

470. No! No, I'm good! I'm good! Clear!

471. Again!

472. Come on, white bitch, I need this job! Clear!

473. It's not working! Clear!

474. We're losing her.

475. Harder!

476. Oh, boy.

477. Look like there ain't nothing left

478. but thoughts, prayers and pork rinds.

479. Dear Lord.

480. Nurse Ratchett, check out the wire!

481. The Wire was the shit, baby. That's my show.

482. Drugs and that Idris Elba

483. make this coochie want to pop, pop, pop!

484. Dear Lord, please

485. accept this white bitch's—

486. Oh!

487. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

488. I'm going on break.

489. Oh, Tues.

490. I will never let anyone

491. hurt you again. Mm-mm.

492. Ooh! My bad.

493. Hello?

494. Hello, Sara.

495. Who is this?

496. Someone who knows your little secret.

497. No, no, I swear that wasn't a Nazi salute!

498. Okay? I won Prom Queen

499. and I was— I was throwing my heart to the crowd!

500. No, I'm talking about your family secret.

501. Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister.

502. Well, I had to get you to come back here.

503. Listen, if you want to fuck with me, asshole,

504. then come and get me!

505. With pleasure.

506. Help!

507. Somebody help!

508. Please, somebody help!

509. Bitch!

510. This the break room.

511. Mm-hmm.

512. We on break.

513. - Oh, God. - Preach.

514. Take that!

515. Oof!

516. Please, save me!

517. I've been saving people all day!

518. So you handle yours.

519. I'll be right over here

520. eating my falafel and my pork rinds.

521. I look like your mama?

522. - Try me now! - Break's over.

523. You're welcome.

524. It really looks like you got hit with something hard. Like metal.

525. I told you, I fell.

526. Now where exactly are we going? To talk to an expert.

527. Go away!

528. I'm so sorry to bother you. We just—

529. We just want to ask you a few questions.

530. Give me one good reason

531. why I should talk to you.

532. I'm white.

533. How white? Oh, I'm talking

534. Candace Owens white.

535. Oh. Six feet.

536. When you said expert, I assumed you meant

537. more like Neil deGrasse Tyson or—

538. Shut up.

539. I'm Sara Campbell.

540. I was attacked last night. I think you should leave.

541. I don't want to get stabbed. And I don't want Covid, okay?

542. Please, come on. Just— Let's go.

543. Just two minutes, that's all I'm asking.

544. No. No.

545. I'll give you eight minutes.

546. And another thing.

547. I got to test you for Covid.

548. Ohh!

549. Ahh...

550. You guys are good.

551. When did the work week become the "woke week"?

552. We've got Black Friday. What's next, Mulatto Monday?

553. I mean, Yellow Thursday?

554. Tan Tuesday? Come on.

555. Let me get this out of your way.

556. Oh! Sorry.

557. Oh, you, uh, have a cat.

558. I don't have a cat.

559. Gail has cats.

560. You know, she's got really nice cats. Oh, no.

561. A nice pussycat.

562. Sometimes it can be a little stinky.

563. Oh! Covid tests are done.

564. Yup! You're good.

565. You're Cindy's daughter, right?

566. Yeah. Yeah.

567. I don't know him. This is Jack. My love interest.

568. No! No, no, no.

569. Rule Number One of surviving a horror movie is,

570. "Never trust the love interest."

571. Look at him!

572. He's got that weird lazy eye, poking one way

573. and then he's drooling like a psychopath.

574. He's got that stump leg.

575. Makes him all walk weird and creepy.

576. I don't have a stump. Well, that guy does.

577. Oh, I'm looking at me.

578. Special Officer Doofy. Retired.

579. Listen, Doofy, we could really use your help.

580. No. I can't go back to that life.

581. Plus, we're in the middle of a global pandemic!

582. Okay, I hate to break it to you,

583. but Covid has been over for, like, years.

584. Hmm. Really?

585. - Yeah. - Yeah.

586. Damn it!

587. What am I gonna do with all this canned meat?

588. Get out! I don't want Ghostface to find me.

589. And don't come back!

590. It's the sound of the police.

591. Special Officer Doofy, reporting for duty.

592. Okay, just because he showered doesn't mean that—

593. No, I didn't shower.

594. I just take water from my mouth and—

595. You want some? Okay. No, that's okay.

596. Come on, Doofy. Yeah, let's do it.

597. Watch your step. Okay. I'm watching.

598. Brain freeze!

599. Sara, is your ghetto-ass mom coming

600. or can we start talking about this plot?

601. Uh...

602. Hi.

603. You came.

604. Not in, like, 15 years, honey.

605. But I did buy this new rose,

606. so fingers crossed.

607. Oh.

608. Oh!

609. Oh, my old friend!

610. You taught me how to dance.

611. How to make a high N-word pie.

612. Nigga, I'm right in back of you.

613. Shorty!

614. What's up, Cindy?

615. How you doing? My nigga.

616. Shit, son!

617. I love the hair.

618. It's very Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

619. Yeah.

620. I can't believe you thought I was dead.

621. Well, between cancer from the weed smoke,

622. your love of the McRib and racist cops,

623. I didn't think you had a chance.

624. Yeah, that's a terrible combination.

625. Hi, Cin. Stop smiling at me!

626. Shit! WorldStar!

627. WorldStar! WorldStar!

628. Hey, he's intellectually disabled!

629. That's just how he looks, you drunk honky.

630. Hey, hey, hey!

631. Don't call that white bitch a honky.

632. C'mon, have some respect.

633. I keep seeing people smiling everywhere.

634. I'm not very likable,

635. so it must be some kind of curse.

636. Hey, everybody! She's high.

637. Look what I got.

638. Non-branded gelatin shots

639. made with grain alcohol and GHB.

640. So ain't nobody sipping nothing

641. they didn't consent to like last time,

642. which I apologize. Mm-hmm.

643. Take one. I love roofying myself.

644. No, Ma. No, Mama. You sure, baby?

645. Hi, Brenda.

646. Please do not call me by my government name.

647. Call me Ma.

648. Cindy!

649. Oh, my God!

650. You dropped the tray.

651. Oh, my God, Cindy,

652. I haven't seen you in forever!

653. My God, look at you! You look the same!

654. Minus the crow's feet.

655. And your hair is so dry.

656. Oh, and your titties dropped so far.

657. Other than that, you look the exact same.

658. What have you been up to?

659. Oh, you know, neglecting my children

660. so I can prepare to kill Ghostface should he ever return.

661. What about you?

662. Well, I been mostly just getting high school kids drunk

663. in a desperate attempt to stay young

664. and keep my kids at home.

665. I always knew you'd be a great mom.

666. Oh, Cindy!

667. Should we hug? Oh, I really want to,

668. but I'm a Republican now so I'm supposed to be racist.

669. Oh, girl, I think all white people are racist anyway.

670. Come here. Okay.

671. Mm! Oh!

672. You want a shot? Yeah? Here. Oh, yes, yes, please.

673. You know, Ma, this place could be so cool

674. if you had, like, a-a beer pong table over there,

675. and maybe, like, a snack wall.

676. What you know about cool? When I was your age,

677. I was popping bottles with Puffy, Puff Daddy,

678. P. Diddy, Diddy.

679. All the Seans.

680. That didn't age well. Your momma was the freak

681. in the freak-offs.

682. Shit, son!

683. You want to see something cool?

684. I'ma show you something cool.

685. God, that's cool.

686. What are you doing?

687. What?

688. No, not like that.

689. Like this.

690. Oh, yeah.

691. I don't know why y'all acting so scared.

692. The gun ain't even loaded.

693. Shit!

694. Oh, shit, son!

695. Uh-oh. I did it again.

696. I always forget that last one in the chamber.

697. Help me move this body.

698. Yeah, you got it.

699. That was fun.

700. Oh, so, what are you doing

701. - after this? - I want to go to Cabo.

702. Oh, I love Cabo!

703. You know what?

704. I used to put cocaine up my hoo-hah and travel there all the time.

705. Well, that's because you're so smart. Yeah.

706. Oh.

707. All right. Let's get back to the plot.

708. I'm looking at you, Ted Bundy eyes.

709. Looking like a school shooter.

710. I think you the killer.

711. - Oh, me? - Mm-hmm.

712. Okay, what about Deputy Doofy over there?

713. I-I don't have a motive. You know, what's my motive?

714. You were the killer in the first movie.

715. Shouldn't you be locked up? No, I got pardoned.

716. Mostly because of the storming the Capitol, you know.

717. Oh. I got proof.

718. - This is me. And it's framed. - Oh.

719. That's a cool hat.

720. What about Jess?

721. What about me?

722. If anybody here has issues

723. that could lead to murder...

724. Okay, I get it!

725. Trans-shaming is not cool, okay?

726. They— He's just a dude. Yeah.

727. Minus the upper body strength and the dick part.

728. Hey, you don't know what I got down here, okay?

729. I do. Hey, hey.

730. Listen, what we know so far

731. is everyone who's been attacked

732. is related to the original characters.

733. He wants to kill the kids.

734. Aha! He's making a rebootequel.

735. - A what now? - Yeah. It's like,

736. a reboot and a sequel.

737. Mixes legacy characters with new characters

738. in an attempt to feed into bullshit nostalgia

739. and bring more fans to the theaters.

740. Just like last year's I Know What You Did Last Summer.

741. That's a movie? What did I do last summer?

742. I think you're talking about The Summer I Turned Pretty.

743. - Yeah. - Ray,

744. when did you get here? Oh, I been here.

745. I was just hanging out by the men's room.

746. Oh. My room?

747. Okay, so that means

748. that our killer is writing his own version of Horror Movie.

749. Okay, so according to the re-booty-call rules,

750. who's the killer?

751. I think it's pretty obvious.

752. Who?

753. You, bitch. Me?

754. Guys, I am not the killer.

755. Ghostface attacked Tues to lure me back here.

756. I think he attacked Tuesday to get you back here

757. so he could get me back here.

758. He wants to kill the OGs.

759. That was a flex.

760. Yeah, that sounds better.

761. Aw, fuck this!

762. And fuck you, Mother!

763. To your mother?

764. Hey! Don't be so disrespectful!

765. And call me Mom!

766. Or Mommy.

767. Or whatever's more comfortable.

768. All units, be advised:

769. Suspect is still at large.

770. Black cloak, white mask...

771. big-ass knife.

772. - Talk to me. - Hello, Sheriff.

773. Agent Underwood?

774. I'll give you one hint.

775. What's your favorite scary movie?

776. Well, I'm gonna go with Saltburn.

777. I mean, the member on that English guy was terrifying.

778. Ken Jeong's junk in The Hangover was a much better depiction

779. of the male anatomy.

780. Now what do you want, fuckface?

781. Well, I'm just calling to tell you

782. that by the time you get home,

783. I'll have gutted your baby girl!

784. Hey, asshole, she's a boy!

785. Jess!

786. Looking for this?

787. Let me help you.

788. I got your baby dick. Winky, winky, winky.

789. All right. Here we go.

790. What do you want, fuckface?

791. Well, like father, like, uh, son?

792. Uh—

793. I understand you're home alone.

794. Well, Dad's out, but the pool guy, the gardener

795. and the plumber are all here, asshole.

796. Look out your window.

797. ICE!

798. No! But they're the backbone of the American workforce!

799. And I'm too white to do those jobs.

800. Let's cut to the chase.

801. I'll ask you one question.

802. If you answer correctly, you live.

803. Who was the killer in Horror Movie?

804. Oh, that's easy. It was Bobby and then Gay Ray,

805. the guy who was totally into dudes,

806. even though he claimed he wasn't.

807. Classic 2000s homophobia.

808. But I got you, bitch.

809. Wrong! You forgot Special Officer Doofy.

810. Now you die.

811. Bumbaclot!

812. You should probably answer that.

813. I can literally see you trying to steal my package.

814. Oh, shit!

815. Ah, that was easy.

816. Uh, someone order steaks?

817. It's GoPuff. Hmm.

818. - Wait a sec. - Careful.

819. You wouldn't want to let in a killer.

820. You are about to identify as dead.

821. You...

822. stab like— a girl.

823. Come on, girl, hit that Ghostface Shuffle.

824. Try the Ghostface Killah Collection Bundle.

825. This is Keke West for OnlyFans Rapid News.

826. "Rapid News". You mean "Vapid News".

827. You don't even have a cameraman!

828. My equipment!

829. Excuse me.

830. Oh, my. You're—

831. Yes, yes.

832. Three-time Emmy nominee

833. for Outstanding Achievement in Sensational Reporting.

834. I was gonna say the lady from Friends,

835. but shorter and with less Botox.

836. Oh. Is that what you were

837. "gonna say"? Yeah.

838. You seriously don't know who I am?

839. - Babygirl, I am Gail— - Gail swallows!

840. Hey.

841. Hailstorm. Gail—

842. Get the hell out of my way! Oh.

843. Doofus. Hey, Gail.

844. Wow. You haven't aged a day.

845. You've aged like a million days. That's this many. Five—

846. Your fingers smell like genitals.

847. What are you doing in that ridiculous uniform?

848. Uh, I-I'm back on the case. Yeah, I'm gonna bust Ghostface.

849. Well, um,

850. tell me, Special Needs Officer Doofy...

851. Um.

852. Wow. Are there any suspects

853. in this tragic yet completely predictable incident?

854. I-I'm not allowed to say.

855. No, no, okay, no. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

856. Not— Yeah—

857. You can tell me.

858. Um, ah, oh, my God.

859. What the f—

860. Hey!

861. Remember when you used to give blowjobs

862. for sensitive information?

863. I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay? Not since MeToo.

864. Okay. Sorry.

865. I give handjobs now, but the story better be good.

866. Okay, I'll do a handjob. Let's do it. Let's do it.

867. What the—

868. I'm gonna get you. Uncle Ray-Ray's gonna get you!

869. Ray? You got my outfit,

870. you little critter.

871. Maybe weed shouldn't be legal.

872. Fuck yeah, it should!

873. Hello, Shorty.

874. You do know that smoking is bad for you.

875. Actually, weed ain't bad for you.

876. You got Vitamin T, C and H,

877. C, B and D.

878. What's the matter, Shorty?

879. You look a little antsy.

880. Maybe because there's a masked serial killer

881. sipping tea in my den.

882. Shorty, you're my nigga.

883. I mean, friend. Please, sit.

884. All right.

885. Do you want to quit smoking?

886. Well, to be honest, I tried to quit.

887. But my mother said, "I ain't raisin' no quitters."

888. So I quit quitting.

889. We could try hypnosis.

890. Bro, I don't care how many pocket watches

891. you try and wave in front of my face,

892. it ain't gonna work, son.

893. - You can't magmetize me. - Sleep.

894. Shorty.

895. Hmm?

896. What's up?

897. Tell me about your mother.

898. Damn, nigga.

899. Let's start with something light, like:

900. "Do you lick ass, yes or no?"

901. The answer's yes.

902. So what happened to her, Shorty?

903. She was coming home.

904. Her car was parked to the side of the road.

905. Someone was in it.

906. And something bad was happening.

907. Why didn't you call anyone?

908. I couldn't.

909. I had warrants.

910. You were 11.

911. I started young, nigga.

912. Oh.

913. What do you see?

914. I...

915. I see a big explosion of water.

916. It was like a Civil Rights hose.

917. Police said it was a murder/suicide.

918. She killed that man.

919. When they opened the car door, his limp body just slid out.

920. Like the green nigga in Shape of Water.

921. I just didn't want it to be real.

922. What don't you want to be real?

923. That my mother was a squirter!

924. Okay! She was a squirter.

925. All the floors in her bedroom was warped.

926. - I can't move. - You're paralyzed.

927. Now...

928. sink into the chair. Wait, no.

929. - Wait. - Sink!

930. Nigga!

931. I'm in a K-hole, son!

932. No, you're in a K-pop hole.

933. Oh, shit, son!

934. Nigga, I'm numb.

935. That's what they do in the hood.

936. Luke Skywalker!

937. That's some good shit, son.

938. That dream was wild.

939. I must've been Elon Musk high.

940. Tuesday?

941. Tuesday?

942. Bobby?

943. Bobby, what the...?

944. She's gonna die.

945. Our daughter, Sara?

946. You're probably right.

947. She's tough, but let's see her get stabbed in the gut.

948. I'm gonna die.

949. Bobby, you're already dead.

950. This hallucination is a manifestation

951. of my own guilt for being an awful mom.

952. Or it could be the shrooms I just popped.

953. You're gonna die.

954. Bitch, you ain't killing me.

955. You're gonna die.

956. Stop smiling!

957. I can't. Botox.

958. Hey! Oh.

959. This is the mental ward. Everyone smiles in here.

960. What?

961. How— Um—

962. Could you point me in the direction of the ICU?

963. Is it that way or that way?

964. Uh, visiting hours are over.

965. Oh, yes, of course.

966. The network wants me to clarify

967. that Black Friday has nothing to do with race.

968. Well, just tell that to my Black friend Benita

969. who's probably clocking someone

970. over the head at Target as we speak!

971. Right, Benita?

972. Shamone!

973. Man, you ain't Michael.

974. Michael got that Jheri curl.

975. What is that, son? Is that shellac?

976. See, people think it's shellac, but it's actually Sharpie.

977. Boy, your hair looks like fondue.

978. I just wanna dip some fruit and marshmallows in it.

979. Go on and dip. Indoo-dy.

980. Michael's got a monkey. I got a llama.

981. And he can beatbox.

982. That's Suds.

983. Yeah, he stink. But when he spit, it's bars.

984. Come on, now.

985. Fuck Michael!

986. You can't dance, boy. I've been practicing.

987. Oh! Whoa!

988. Jeez.

989. Yeah!

990. Bong! Ow!

991. I can moonwalk. Ooh, ooh.

992. Ooh.

993. Where is this nigga goin'?

994. Ow!

995. Whoo!

996. "Jermaine".

997. Coming Juneteenth, only on Tubi.

998. I'ma bootleg that shit.

999. Hello?

1000. Fuck this.

1001. I'm gonna miss you all.

1002. Oh, hell no!

1003. Think Black, don't die. Think Black, don't die.

1004. Oh!

1005. Goddamn it! Jack?

1006. Did Sara tell you to come? Um...

1007. Yeah! That's why I'm here.

1008. Not to murder you or anything like that.

1009. Then why are you wearing gloves?

1010. Would you believe I...

1011. am thinking about dressing up as O.J. Simpson for Halloween?

1012. But those fit.

1013. Look out!

1014. Not cool, bro, you almost hit a vein.

1015. I-I mean— Help!

1016. Oh, yes!

1017. Oh...

1018. Whew. I'm gonna gut you like a pig!

1019. I'm gonna...

1020. I'm gonna...

1021. What a stupid line.

1022. That is so true!

1023. What are you gonna do? Turn me into bacon?

1024. I got to get better writers.

1025. I'm laughing so hard, my ribs hurt.

1026. Wait until I stick my knife in them!

1027. I'm crying over here.

1028. I got to go

1029. - before you really kill me. - Here I come.

1030. Oh, God, I might die laughing first!

1031. Oh. Oh, shit. He's really gonna kill me.

1032. I want what they're on.

1033. I'm gonna turn you into bacon, little piggy.

1034. No, no.

1035. No.

1036. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

1037. I'm so sorry. Out of our way!

1038. Step aside. Official police business.

1039. Doofy!

1040. I like doing that.

1041. Ooh!

1042. Smile, you son of a bitch.

1043. What the f...? My psycho mother said

1044. always keep a strap.

1045. Go! Go! Okay.

1046. I'm gonna go get your love interest.

1047. I'll get your love interest.

1048. Ow, the pain, the agony.

1049. Sara, if I don't make it...

1050. Seriously, Tues, stop trying to win an Oscar.

1051. It's a horror movie, it'll never happen.

1052. Just ask Demi Moore.

1053. No! No!

1054. I got him. I got Jack.

1055. Doofy! What the fuck?

1056. The fuck? I can't help myself.

1057. It's just me and you now, Ghosty.

1058. Hm.

1059. You got to shoot them in the head.

1060. Shoot them in the head.

1061. Oof. Ow.

1062. Die!

1063. Die, you little dumb dunce.

1064. Smell...

1065. my...

1066. finger.

1067. Oh, God!

1068. What the fuck was that? Ugh.

1069. My ass.

1070. Fuck your ass! Pause.

1071. Oh, God, that's— that's my ass.

1072. - Oh, God. - Any last words?

1073. I go poopy.

1074. Oh, hell no. I ain't cleaning up that shit!

1075. I'm on break.

1076. Come on, I do the killing, not the cleaning. Ugh.

1077. What you say? Never mind.

1078. Yo, what's up, chat?

1079. This your boy Shorty.

1080. That's right, it's another Halloween-a-thon.

1081. And it's another day of me getting paid mad money

1082. for doing absolutely nothing

1083. while you stupid motherfuckers watch.

1084. And they call me dumb!

1085. I want to give a smooth shout-out to my sponsor:

1086. Angry Orchard Hard Cider.

1087. They got mad apples, son.

1088. We created a slogan! I'm a marketing genius!

1089. Aight. It wouldn't be a Halloween-a-thon

1090. without a dope guest.

1091. He's a legend in the streaming game.

1092. Give it up for Kai Cenat!

1093. We gonna break the Internet!

1094. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

1095. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

1096. Let's get serious.

1097. What brings you to the chat?

1098. You promised I was gonna be in the movie.

1099. I've been calling you. You ghosted me.

1100. Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.

1101. That's— That's my bad.

1102. And speaking of ghosted—

1103. Somebody wants to talk to you.

1104. Hello?

1105. What's your favorite scary movie?

1106. Nah! Oh!

1107. Oh, whoa, whoa! Ah!

1108. We breaking the Internet, son!

1109. What's up, my guy?

1110. You got some Angry Orchard

1111. Hard Cider in the house? You damn right.

1112. They got mad apples.

1113. Oh!

1114. Wassup?

1115. Wassup?

1116. We about to do my favorite thing:

1117. Spin the... wheel!

1118. Extreme Noodle Game!

1119. We gonna go back there with these noodles

1120. and we gonna smack

1121. the fuck out you!

1122. Then you gotta guess who did it.

1123. That doesn't even make sense.

1124. This is a dumb game.

1125. Oh!

1126. Uh...

1127. Kai. Kai. Man, what?

1128. Yeah.

1129. Wait— No, no, no—

1130. You just killed Kai Cenat. On the chat.

1131. We making history, son!

1132. Money, money, money!

1133. Oh, thank God.

1134. It's about time you guys got here!

1135. Now you're gonna get it.

1136. Oof!

1137. Hold still!

1138. So that's our suspect.

1139. Goes by the name "Shorthand". Hmm.

1140. Was the handyman at a house reputed to be haunted in 2001.

1141. Is there anything you're not telling me?

1142. That your wife hates you,

1143. you believe the Earth is flat

1144. and you voted for Trump three times.

1145. What, I was supposed to vote for the woman?

1146. Huh?

1147. I believe Shorthand is the notorious Ghostface.

1148. What that mouth do?

1149. Stop resisting!

1150. He did look pretty sketchy.

1151. They got the wrong guy.

1152. And you know that because you're psychic?

1153. No, says so on the arrest warrant.

1154. I don't know.

1155. That guy's Black. Nah, he's kinda...

1156. not that Black.

1157. Like gravy brown.

1158. Ugh!

1159. Get him!

1160. Hit him with your strong hand!

1161. Boom!

1162. Arrest him anyways. Probably did something, right?

1163. Turn off your body cams!

1164. Miss you.

1165. Poppa's here.

1166. Tupac's here.

1167. And Tekashi69 is here.

1168. Wait. Tekashi69 ain't dead.

1169. No, but his career is.

1170. True that.

1171. Can't let these old-school rappers go, huh?

1172. Kids today put "lil" in front of their name

1173. and think they got a lil talent.

1174. You should give Lil Nas X a shot.

1175. Dude really speaks to me.

1176. That nigga's hard.

1177. What you back here for, Ray?

1178. I thought you was done with Woodsville.

1179. I thought you were a northern man.

1180. I'm through with San Francisco.

1181. Is San Francisco through with you?

1182. What are you asking me?

1183. Do you have pride, Ray?

1184. I think we should all take pride in who we are.

1185. Do you like to taste the rainbow?

1186. Skittles are my favorite candy.

1187. Ray, I prayed for you.

1188. Then how come none of those prayers worked for our baby?

1189. Mr. Pickels was 18 when he died, Ray.

1190. That's old for a cat.

1191. He was packing.

1192. Now, what you want with me, Ray?

1193. I'm back, Brenda, 'cause I love you.

1194. Ray!

1195. He's so sneaky, Ray.

1196. I'm gonna get it.

1197. I got you! I got you! You got me, yeah!

1198. Oh, yes. Put this on.

1199. You sure, Ray? Yeah, girl. Go on.

1200. You wild, Ray. You make me blush.

1201. So sexy.

1202. I wish you had a beard. Hmm?

1203. Here. Take this. Oh.

1204. What?

1205. Turn around. Oh! Sure.

1206. Bend over. Uh-huh.

1207. Now drop it. Okay. Okay.

1208. I've dropped it, Ray.

1209. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

1210. Whose cell block is this? Huh, Brenda? Ray! Ray!

1211. You didn't want to share your tater tots, nigga, at lunch?

1212. Now you sharing this bootyhole, nigga. Yeah!

1213. You not in prison no more, Ray. You free now, Ray.

1214. Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah.

1215. Okay. Now you get me.

1216. My turn. Let me drop the soap.

1217. On three. One, two, three. Wait.

1218. Oops, I dropped it.

1219. Yeah! Yeah! Nigga, yeah! Okay.

1220. Like this? Yeah, nigga. Yeah, Brenda.

1221. You still freaky, Ray.

1222. Lower your voice. Make it deeper. You still freaky, Ray.

1223. Yeah!

1224. Miss Hailstorm, welcome back.

1225. Doc, I'm begging you. You got to help me look younger.

1226. These little bitches are killing me out there.

1227. They're wearing nothing but a—

1228. a sausage casing and a ring light.

1229. Trust me with this withered, decrepit, age-ravaged body,

1230. and I will make you whole.

1231. One Middle-Aged White Lady Special

1232. coming right up. Thanks.

1233. I'm gonna play a quick video

1234. on the ins and outs of the procedure,

1235. and then we'll get started.

1236. Do you wish you weren't so old and saggy?

1237. Do you wish you were younger? Sexier?

1238. Fuckable again?

1239. One single injection unlocks your DNA,

1240. creating a new, better you.

1241. This is The Stuff.

1242. Doc, this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow crap

1243. that makes you smell like her vag, is it?

1244. I like it.

1245. Wow, that's a lot of Stuff.

1246. Oh, a mask on a mask.

1247. Safety first, right, Doc?

1248. Oh, no!

1249. I'm having second thoughts!

1250. I'm gonna love and accept myself as I am.

1251. Oops. Wrong movie.

1252. - You were thinking it. - But you said it.

1253. White Chicks 2, my ass.

1254. Hey, Sara.

1255. Tuesday, I—

1256. I tried to visit you.

1257. I am sorry for everything.

1258. Especially your name.

1259. It was Taco Tuesday. I was super drunk.

1260. But I promise you, I will kill this motherfucker!

1261. - It's fine, really, we're cool. - I'm gonna—

1262. I'll pull the car around. We're good.

1263. I'm going to take you to the car!

1264. I got stabbed. I'm not deaf, you dumb-ass!

1265. I'm taking Tues away from all of this!

1266. Oh... Come on, Cindy.

1267. I tried to run, too, but...

1268. it follows!

1269. Now you're probably expecting a flashback to that movie,

1270. but it's too obscure. Yeah, and the plot is weird.

1271. You have sex with someone, give them a STD

1272. and then it haunts them in the form

1273. of their naked grandma.

1274. It's like a STD biopic.

1275. Ugh, the killer is taunting me.

1276. Why doesn't he just kill us?

1277. Uh, speak for yourself.

1278. Like, what are you waiting for?

1279. Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, sweetie. It's like this.

1280. What are you waiting for, huh?

1281. What are you waiting for?

1282. What are you waiting for?

1283. What are you waiting for?

1284. God, I wish you weren't my mother!

1285. What are you waiting for?

1286. Candyman.

1287. Candyman.

1288. Candyman.

1289. - You sure about this? - Yeah, keep saying it.

1290. Candyman.

1291. Candyman!

1292. So what's up? You got that candy, man?

1293. - I got weed gummies. - Yeah.

1294. K-nuts. - Yeah.

1295. - Shroom chocolates. - Shit, son!

1296. And what take you so long to show up?

1297. Come on, Clarence. I called you five times.

1298. Nigga, show up in three.

1299. You ain't even call me on the phone.

1300. Luckily I was walking by

1301. and heard y'all through the hole in this wall.

1302. And fix that shit. You shut your ass up.

1303. You need to go to a proctologist and get your skin looked at.

1304. Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.

1305. I look better than this nigga. Maybe on this side.

1306. Hey, ain't no time for beefing. We about to be high as fuck.

1307. We gonna party, son!

1308. - That's right. Drink up! - Hey!

1309. Hey! I love it. Look at that.

1310. You're looking good.

1311. You seen your sister?

1312. I-I can't find her since she went to that protest.

1313. No.

1314. Ray, let me guess. You are Woody from Toy Story!

1315. Nah, Brenda, that's gay. Oh.

1316. Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.

1317. "I wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't."

1318. You love that movie!

1319. Hey, Brenda! Huh?

1320. Have you seen my big old bag of candy?

1321. It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.

1322. I-It's gone missing.

1323. No, no, no, it's not missing.

1324. I passed it out to the trick-or-treaters.

1325. Brenda, that's my stash!

1326. I'm so fucking high!

1327. Whoo-hoo!

1328. I can't feel my face!

1329. I'm on that Naruto shit!

1330. Six-seven! Six-seven!

1331. Fuck.

1332. Why is she looking at me?

1333. A little disturbing.

1334. I'm here for it.

1335. Oh. Okay.

1336. Hey!

1337. Do you know how many baby seals die from microplastics?

1338. Shit.

1339. It's Ghostface!

1340. Oh, my God! He stabbed her!

1341. Not "her". My pronouns are "they/them".

1342. He stabbed "them"!

1343. I'm over 40. How am I supposed to keep up with all of this?

1344. She's not wrong.

1345. It's Karens like you

1346. that keep the patriarchy going, with their knees on our necks!

1347. Now you're playing the race card?

1348. I've had enough of her shit. "Their" shit, bitch!

1349. And to be clear,

1350. my real name is Karen!

1351. Oh, shit. This is too good.

1352. Ignore the insults.

1353. "They" don't realize we're here to help "them".

1354. Toxic masculinity

1355. and mansplaining doesn't help anybody!

1356. How is my masculinity toxic?

1357. I love women and sports.

1358. Just not together. Come here, bitch.

1359. My turn!

1360. - Me next! - They ain't ready for

1361. this!

1362. Let me at them! Me next!

1363. Fuck your pronouns. Oh, shit.

1364. Suck knife.

1365. I blame the manosphere.

1366. Uncle Shorty. What's up, nephew?

1367. Can I ask you something?

1368. Yeah, shoot.

1369. It's about, y-you know,

1370. how to go down on a girl.

1371. You talking about eating pussy?

1372. That's so cringe, but yeah.

1373. Well, maybe if you stop talking like a 14-year-old white girl,

1374. you could learn something.

1375. All right, so listen up.

1376. First thing you got to do, you got to—

1377. You got to spread them legs. You got to open it up.

1378. Then you want to use your fingers.

1379. Sometimes you can use two. Two fingers, like that there.

1380. Yeah?

1381. Now, once you get it all in there, now...

1382. you got to use your tongue.

1383. You can't be afraid of it.

1384. Yeah, lean into it.

1385. Nah, nah, nah, you doing it too fast.

1386. What are you, a lizard?

1387. You got to be gentle. You got to talk to it.

1388. "Hey there, little guy,

1389. how you doing?" Hey there, little guy.

1390. Boom! Just like rolling a blunt.

1391. All you got to do, nephew...

1392. Is hit that shit.

1393. Got it? Mm-hmm.

1394. All right, now,

1395. if you want to learn to lick ass, ask your mama.

1396. Ma!

1397. Now, this is a fantastic party.

1398. Well, thank you.

1399. You and me, we're drinking.

1400. No, I don't— I don't drink. One shot.

1401. Ma! Ma! Ma!

1402. Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! What? Come on.

1403. Okay, okay. I'll do one.

1404. I'ma do one more.

1405. Just one more. That's all you.

1406. I'm gonna have one motherfuckin' more.

1407. No, no, no, no. Maybe—

1408. One, two, three! No, no.

1409. Here. Take that.

1410. Whoo!

1411. Uh! Oh!

1412. Oh!

1413. Bitch-ass generation don't even know how to party.

1414. You feel so good.

1415. Oh, yeah.

1416. Elle.

1417. I want to try something.

1418. I-I thought you said you'd never let me peg you.

1419. What? No.

1420. Relax.

1421. I just want to taste you.

1422. Okay.

1423. Dinner time.

1424. Oh, yeah, come here, baby.

1425. Careful. My kitty is gangster.

1426. Oh! Oh...

1427. It is gangster. Okay.

1428. Slapped you so hard, you want some more. Yeah!

1429. Oh!

1430. You feel so much better than Darrel and them.

1431. Choo-choo!

1432. Get back in there!

1433. Yeah! Lick it!

1434. Yeah! Lick it hard!

1435. Finish her.

1436. Oh, my God!

1437. Just like rolling a blunt.

1438. Now all I got to do is hit it.

1439. Oh— Oof!

1440. Elle!

1441. What the fuck?

1442. Hey there. We heard tell of a Halloween party.

1443. You did now, did you?

1444. We're here to drink,

1445. play bad music, do some half gay shit.

1446. Why just half gay?

1447. Can I help you?

1448. If you just invite us in.

1449. Why you need a invitation?

1450. White folks show up to parties uninvited

1451. all the time with their little nasty-ass casseroles.

1452. Bland as shit. Y'all better start using some Lawry's.

1453. Mm-hmm. And why she got them dirty-ass feet?

1454. Look like you was walking around porn sets all day.

1455. Got them trailer park toes.

1456. Shit, son!

1457. I think you're in the wrong place. Y'all Klan?

1458. No.

1459. We believe in music and equality.

1460. How about we show y'all?

1461. It's okay, no.

1462. They gentrified the Jeffersons?

1463. Weezy's rolling around in her grave right now.

1464. You can't do this to the Black National Anthem.

1465. Boo!

1466. Nigga, you suck! Boo your ass!

1467. We worked hard on this! Take that bullshit out of here!

1468. We ain't got time for that dumb shit!

1469. Come on. Let us in.

1470. Oh, my God! They're vampires! Oh, my God!

1471. Here, take her. No, wait, wait. No, Ray!

1472. No, baby, you got this. We're not vampires.

1473. Just hard to sing with these in.

1474. Oh, girl, you know I got you. I ain't gonna let nothing happen to you.

1475. Nigga.

1476. Look, why won't ya just go to one of those frat parties

1477. where they drink until they black out

1478. and wake up with their booties hurting,

1479. not knowing what someone in a cowboy hat did to them?

1480. Yeah! What?

1481. Okay.

1482. Well, we will leave you guys alone.

1483. But we're gonna walk real slow

1484. just in case y'all change your minds.

1485. - Change your minds yet? - No.

1486. Not at all. Hell no.

1487. How about now?

1488. Fuck no! No!

1489. Yes? Hell to the nah.

1490. Definitely not! Keep walking!

1491. - Now git! - Let's go.

1492. Sara, come on! White folks

1493. is getting weird again.

1494. Guys, I think I saw an open window over here.

1495. That window's closed.

1496. Not for long.

1497. Wicked.

1498. Oh, God. Fucking idiots.

1499. Hey! Tuesday! You came back!

1500. Yeah, I left my inhaler.

1501. Honestly, Tuesday, that inhaler is the worst plot device in movie history.

1502. That's true, should've been a vape.

1503. But we're here now, so let's make the most of it.

1504. Now where them White Claws at?

1505. Sara? Hello.

1506. Get your sister and get out of there right now. Okay, hon?

1507. I am a grown-ass woman, Mother.

1508. I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.

1509. That's the house where your psycho father

1510. killed those people.

1511. Someone wanted to get you there.

1512. Which means...

1513. someone wants to get me there.

1514. Oh, my God, this isn't about you!

1515. Why are you yelling?

1516. Because the camera's so fucking far away!

1517. Wait, hold on. Are you tracking my phone?

1518. You're breaking up.

1519. Uh— Yeah.

1520. Happy Birthday!

1521. Hey, that's my car!

1522. What the fuck?

1523. Elle!

1524. I'm sorry!

1525. I thought I was supposed to smoke it.

1526. Oh, shit.

1527. Seriously? With the 12 Years a Slave shit?

1528. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see that movie, okay?

1529. I just found this thing in the shed. Jesus.

1530. Come on, bro!

1531. That's even worse.

1532. I didn't mean it that way.

1533. Some of my best victims are Black.

1534. And another brother falls victim to gun violence.

1535. Turns out race is still an issue.

1536. That's not fair!

1537. You know, Black guys usually die first in horror movies.

1538. Damn!

1539. This give whole new meaning to Dead By Daylight.

1540. Yeah.

1541. Oh. Get them, son.

1542. Goofy ass out of here.

1543. Hello, Shorty.

1544. Cuckoo! Get him, niggas!

1545. Got your silly ass! You about to be high as fuck.

1546. Nigga!

1547. Ah, shit, son!

1548. Bro, why you running backwards, son?

1549. I don't know. It's not me.

1550. Something's wrong with this.

1551. Nigga, your remote is upside-down!

1552. You're fucking high, son.

1553. - Game on, bitches! - Yeah.

1554. Oh! Wrong nigga.

1555. Black Lives Matter!

1556. Not you, Shorty!

1557. Oh, my— I need you.

1558. Whoa, what is going on? Oh, Jack!

1559. Oh, thank God you're here! Where were you?

1560. Ghostface was just here!

1561. I was just outside getting some fresh air.

1562. Stop!

1563. One of you is the killer.

1564. Elle...

1565. why do you have blood on your hands?

1566. I found Brad outside.

1567. She's the killer!

1568. I am not the killer, okay?

1569. I'm not even sex positive. I'm a virgin.

1570. No way.

1571. You've banged, like, every dude in Woodsville.

1572. Fuck you!

1573. Whoa!

1574. The butt doesn't count.

1575. Oh!

1576. Shit, she shot Ashton!

1577. Welcome to Act Three, bitches.

1578. What?

1579. What does that even mean?

1580. It's when the shit goes down.

1581. Oh.

1582. I still don't really know what she means,

1583. but I think we should run! Run!

1584. Cindy!

1585. Brenda.

1586. Cindy, they in there shooting!

1587. These kids are wild!

1588. I blame it on video games,

1589. not the liquor or lack of parental supervision.

1590. You're gonna need this. Oh.

1591. Do you have one bigger in black?

1592. Oh, wrong bag.

1593. Here. Ooh.

1594. Who are you, Joan Wick?

1595. I would've said Ballerina, but nobody saw that shit.

1596. Let's do this.

1597. Okay.

1598. Help! He stabbed me!

1599. I'm definitely not faking it. Please, help!

1600. What do you think?

1601. I think Drake lost to Kendrick.

1602. I still like Drake, but what was up with that lawsuit?

1603. That's such a bitch-ass move.

1604. About this situation.

1605. Oh, that? That's definitely a trap.

1606. She don't know we already been here, done that.

1607. Brenda!

1608. Brenda!

1609. Cindy! It hurts!

1610. Am I gonna make it? I doubt it.

1611. Oh, God, Cindy. Oh, God.

1612. Bitch, I'm not dead yet!

1613. Oh. My bad. I'm sorry.

1614. Now you go back in there and finish it.

1615. For me, Cindy.

1616. I would do anything for you, Brenda.

1617. Oh, yes! She bought it.

1618. That old ketchup trick, it don't fail.

1619. That bitch is crazy if she thought

1620. I was taking my Black ass back in there.

1621. Attention all killers!

1622. You have five seconds to show yourselves.

1623. Shorty!

1624. Bitch!

1625. You shot my favorite bong.

1626. Go find your own damn closet!

1627. Sorry.

1628. Wow, this is so nice.

1629. Brenda's been ballin'.

1630. What the—

1631. Red light!

1632. Red light, green light, one, two, three!

1633. Oh. Okay, so we're playing the hood version.

1634. Red light, green light, one, two, three!

1635. Ha! You moved!

1636. No, I didn't.

1637. Ghostface 249, eliminated.

1638. Ooh. You got some hot breath, sir.

1639. Someone's cleaning those handprints off the mirror, and it isn't me.

1640. I'll do it. Don't leave any streaks.

1641. No!

1642. I knew swallowing the clip would eventually come in handy.

1643. Who's smiling now, bitch?

1644. Hello, Cindy.

1645. Hello.

1646. Looks like you forgot

1647. the first rule of surviving a horror movie.

1648. Never answer the phone!

1649. I thought the first rule was never trust the love interest.

1650. Oh, really?

1651. Well, I'm changing the rules. How about that?

1652. New rule: Go fuck yourself.

1653. Wait, wait!

1654. Why do you hate closets so much?

1655. I told you to come out.

1656. Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot!

1657. Ironic, isn't it?

1658. You missed me, bitch.

1659. Oh, God, it's Ghostface!

1660. Didn't sound believable.

1661. You think you're John Wick,

1662. acting like I killed your dog?

1663. The dog is just a metaphor.

1664. It was about losing his wife!

1665. You sure it's not an allegory?

1666. Let us begin.

1667. Oh.

1668. Oh, that stunt girl is good.

1669. Whoa.

1670. Oh, oh—

1671. Eat a dick.

1672. Shoot him, Sara. End this.

1673. Don't tell me what to do!

1674. This isn't the best time

1675. to resolve our mommy-daughter issues,

1676. but, Sara, I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.

1677. I don't even know your sister Wednesday—

1678. Oh, Tuesday.

1679. Have to clarify that for legal reasons.

1680. But I've prepared you for this.

1681. So go on, baby.

1682. You kill him.

1683. Sara? Jack!

1684. - Sara! - Jack!

1685. - Sara! - Oh, Jack!

1686. Sara! Jack!

1687. - Sara! - Jack!

1688. - Sara! - Jack!

1689. Thank God you're okay.

1690. Because I really wanted to be

1691. the one to kill you!

1692. Ooh, take it, baby.

1693. See, I told you it was about me.

1694. No, Sara.

1695. You were just the bait.

1696. It's about her.

1697. - Fuck! - Aw.

1698. Sorry, honey. I hate being right.

1699. You should've listened to Doofy.

1700. The love interest.

1701. It just seemed too obvious, you know?

1702. Which makes you think it is not obvious.

1703. Same page, honeybunch.

1704. Right.

1705. Yeah, well, that's the twist!

1706. Now get in the kitchen. Go!

1707. Hey! Move!

1708. Okay, listen up!

1709. See, there hasn't been a great Horror Movie

1710. since the first one.

1711. We're gonna save the franchise. Go get our special guest star.

1712. Hollywood is out of ideas!

1713. Why else would there be a Scary Movie 6?

1714. But it wouldn't work with just the new characters, would it?

1715. We need the legacy characters. Oh—

1716. And there wouldn't be a Cindy

1717. without her sassy Black sidekick, Brenda.

1718. You ain't have to say "Black" with no hard "b" like that.

1719. Brenda! Didn't you get shot?

1720. Did I?

1721. Oh! Wait, I did! Ooh, look, God done healed me!

1722. Ooh, what He do?

1723. Stop dancing! All the time!

1724. Stop dancing! Everybody stop dancing!

1725. All the time!

1726. Oh!

1727. Oh. Mom! No!

1728. You called me "Mom".

1729. You care about me.

1730. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but, I mean,

1731. sure. Go—

1732. Go get Tuesday.

1733. Okay, ladies,

1734. time to stage the bodies.

1735. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Oh!

1736. Please don't do this!

1737. What? Who are you people?

1738. We're the motherfuckers

1739. that are taking over this franchise.

1740. Oh, yeah? You are?

1741. Okay! Oh, my God.

1742. That was not part of the plan.

1743. Oh, God. Shit.

1744. - Oh. - Neither was this.

1745. Wait, Ray got one of those!

1746. Whoa! Hot damn!

1747. Anthony Anderson!

1748. Yeah.

1749. And I brought my boy Kevin Hart with me.

1750. What? Shaq?

1751. That's right. On my knees I'm the same height as Kevin.

1752. And Kevin said no.

1753. Kevin Hart said no?

1754. That little motherfucker says yes to everything.

1755. Yeah, he does.

1756. But wait!

1757. There's more.

1758. Ta-dah...

1759. bitches!

1760. Ray? Shorty?

1761. Yeah, that's right.

1762. Four Black killers. Yeah.

1763. We're making history.

1764. This a new definition of Black excellence.

1765. But why would you do this?

1766. Question is:

1767. Why would you try to make a sequel without us, huh?

1768. Yeah!

1769. When the studio wanted to replace these brothers,

1770. I was there.

1771. That's facts. What about me?

1772. What about you?

1773. You were in one scene

1774. in Part 4. Oh!

1775. Yes, but I made that motherfucker

1776. Dr. Phil cut his foot off.

1777. - And he crazy now. - Yeah, he got weird.

1778. Mm. But you—

1779. Y-You see what they trying to do?

1780. They trying to pit us all up against each other.

1781. They trying to start Black on— on very Black crime.

1782. Oh. That's right!

1783. Yo, Shaq. Hey. I'm proud of you, bro.

1784. You've had an amazing career as a sports commentator

1785. since retiring from basketball. Mm-hmm.

1786. And I love The Big Podcast. Nigga, I love that shit!

1787. Even though I don't understand a word you be saying.

1788. You be on that show talkin' 'bout—

1789. "Kobe."

1790. Enough.

1791. But my point is, nigga, I love your shit.

1792. But I never got over Kazaam.

1793. Fuck all that shit!

1794. Kick his ass!

1795. Get your big ass over here! I hated that movie, too!

1796. Why did you leave the Lakers?

1797. You and Kobe would've had nine rings!

1798. That motherfucker traded me!

1799. Sha-kweel!

1800. How big is your foot?

1801. 22.

1802. Then how big is your dick?

1803. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ray!

1804. - Pause. - What the fuck

1805. you talking about? I'm doing it for the culture.

1806. What culture?

1807. - The Culture Club. Nigga! - Bro.

1808. Come on, Ray, we killing people.

1809. Stay focused. All right, all right.

1810. All right. We back.

1811. Hey, Ant, don't, don't you— don't you worry. We family.

1812. Ant, mad respect, y'all.

1813. Hey, Black-ish nominated

1814. for eight Emmys!

1815. My nigga!

1816. Well, actually,

1817. the show was only nominated for five.

1818. I was nominated for eight.

1819. Ooh. Wow.

1820. Oh, thank you.

1821. A thespian!

1822. Is that so? Eight nominations.

1823. Crazy! Yeah, man.

1824. But you never won. What?

1825. Et tu, Brute?

1826. Don't speak Spanish to me, motherfucker.

1827. This is for doing Scary Movie 3 and 4!

1828. I didn't know they fired the family!

1829. And this is for copying

1830. our Good Times episode on Black-ish!

1831. But you guys were on The WB!

1832. Nobody saw that shit!

1833. That's kinda true.

1834. What are you doing?

1835. They didn't create the franchise, you did.

1836. Yeah. No!

1837. Creating franchises doesn't make you a killer.

1838. Stealing franchises does.

1839. Scary Movie was our franchise... Motherfucker!

1840. and they stole it from us!

1841. And they started doing those bad parodies.

1842. Epic Movie. What the fuck? Disaster Movie.

1843. Date Movie. This is for Date Movie.

1844. And then the one with the little— the dude with the hooves.

1845. Nigga, that's Epic Movie. He deserves twice—

1846. Give him double stabs now. Hate that Narnia shit.

1847. He's already dead. So much blood.

1848. Friedberg and Seltzer, nigga.

1849. Ooh. No, no, no.

1850. And you, and you—

1851. Y'all went and did Scary Movie 3 and 4 without us!

1852. Nigga, I'm sorry. They offered me so much money!

1853. I-I got a new house, a new car. I got wigs that don't itch.

1854. And what about you?

1855. Well, I had a chance to work with

1856. the incomparable Charlie Sheen.

1857. That's good. He's a legend.

1858. And his dick game's crazy.

1859. You know he slept with 47,000 women?

1860. And a thousand of them women were dudes.

1861. Lucky guy.

1862. Wait, so y'all gonna kill us now?

1863. Nah.

1864. What would Halloween be without Jamie Lee Curtis?

1865. Or Scream be without Neve Campbell?

1866. That would be Scream VI.

1867. How did you guys pull all of this off?

1868. Cindy!

1869. You know how many Wayanses there are?

1870. Nigga, billions! Billions!

1871. I'm just so happy that the old gang is back together.

1872. Okay, in the middle, on three:

1873. Core Four.

1874. What? Nah, nah. We— That—

1875. That— That's corny shit. That's wack.

1876. Ooh, uh, w-what about—

1877. What about, The Young and The Restless?

1878. Yeah, or The— or The Old

1879. and then The Beautiful.

1880. Or— or The— The Cute and The Crusty.

1881. Yeah, or The Sexy and then The Senile.

1882. But we were brought in to take over the franchise!

1883. That's right. I mean,

1884. you guys are, like, 70 years old!

1885. Not in my mouth!

1886. Aw, fuck!

1887. I just dragged that one from the subway.

1888. Oh, my back hurts.

1889. Guys, guys! They're already dead.

1890. Nah! Little fuckers always come back.

1891. Oh, no. Not this time.

1892. Exactly. Come on, Ray, let's go. Let's go.

1893. Who got a match?

1894. Got one, got one! Next generation, my ass!

1895. Yeah, whoo!

1896. Sara, tell me what do to.

1897. Blow, bitch, blow!

1898. Yeah.

1899. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Should we feel bad?

1900. I mean, those are our kids.

1901. Fuck those kids! Yeah!

1902. This is our franchise. Yeah!

1903. Besides, we can do all these dramatic walkaways

1904. with the fire in back of us.

1905. But, damn, it's hot.

1906. I don't know. I kind of like it.

1907. You do, Ray? We should play firemen.

1908. You wanna dress up like a fireman?

1909. No. I want you to dress up like a fireman.

1910. Y'all feel a draft?

1911. Coming soon to a theater near you...

1912. Come to me...

1913. Count Brolock.

1914. From the studio that brought you

1915. every Black version of a white movie...

1916. I am but an appetite, nothing more.

1917. That's not what you said last night

1918. when you were sucking on my chest.

1919. The sisters may hear you.

1920. Too late.

1921. You trifling sellout.

1922. I don't know this bitch!

1923. She's trying to get me! This is entrapment!

1924. - Negro ain't shit. - Mm-hmm.

1925. Behold the Black vampire.

1926. Brosferatu.

1927. Coming this Kwanzaa.

1928. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

1929. Happy Birthday, A.S. Berger.

1930. - Something isn't right here. - Happy birthday...

1931. He's definitely Ghostface.

1932. Sit.

1933. I agree, Berger.

1934. That hand should spend the rest of its life in prison.

1935. That little hand, man. I mean—

1936. Respectfully, that thing would probably give a nice handjob.

1937. Off the chain, guaranteed.

1938. Tight grip.

1939. Make your meat look two times bigger.

1940. Yeah.

1941. I don't want a handjob from him.

1942. Let me tell you that, first and foremost.

1943. I do not want a handjob. Me neither.

1944. However, when you look at it, like a shotgun—

1945. You're done.

1946. Now, listen, we're gonna hold him, okay?

1947. Okay. It might be a day,

1948. two weeks, I don't know.

1949. I don't know how long this movie is.

1950. Like a Chris Nolan movie with farts.

1951. But what I want you to do is go in there

1952. and show him what you got.

1953. Cock it and rock it.

1954. Ah.

1955. Oh!

1956. There she is.

1957. The birthday girl.

1958. I brought a cake.

1959. Make a wish.

1960. My germs!

1961. Finger-licking good.

1962. Agent Berger, I'm just trying to give you my strong hand.

1963. No! But it's a meme.

1964. Mr. Shorthand, are you Ghostface?

1965. Here we go—

1966. Whew, that stings. It's sort of—

1967. Whoo.

1968. Okay, that hurts. Stop.

1969. Can I talk to you for a second?

1970. Yeah, o-okay.

1971. This table needs an airbag.

1972. It should—

1973. Goddamn!

1974. Whoo!

1975. I didn't think it would hurt so bad.

1976. So we got the wrong guy. Could have told you that.

1977. Why? 'Cause I'm psychic.

1978. Oh, yeah!

1979. You know, it's what—

1980. Oh, shit!

1981. Oh, God, that's how I feel.

1982. Let me tell you some—

1983. What do we do now?

1984. Back out slowly.

1985. Like my neighbor when I caught him inside my wife.

1986. Where are you guys going?

1987. They're still together?

1988. Unfortunately.

1989. Ow!

1990. Sorry, man. It's okay.

1991. We're a throuple now.